#and have at least one peaceful night
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Shhh he's FINALLY getting a good night's rest
#he's so cute#i love him#dear god let this man sleep#and have at least one peaceful night#arthur morgan#arthur morgan fanart#rdr2#rdr2 fanart#red dead redemption community#red dead redemption 2#doodles#art#my art
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The Beatles reading through their script for A Hard Day’s Night, 27th February 1964 - part two (part one)
#hey I have a question#how can john look so sweet in the first one and so sexy in the last one#I mean#I simultaneously want to snuggle him up in a blanket and [redacted]#no wonder he created lifelong obsessions#look at them pretending to be able to read#someone get john his glasses#or at least take the cameras away so he can wear them in peace#john lennon#paul mccartney#george harrison#ringo starr#the beatles#a hard day's night#february 1964#it was sixty years ago today#javelin's gifs#javelin's gifs: fave
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one day I’m actually going to grab everything I went through last year and pour it into a raritwi breakup fic where they don’t get back together and I don’t do my usual thing where I hint there’s hope for them
And I think that will probably be a very emotional and good fic but also it’ll probably be incredibly crushing more than anything Ive ever done so honestly maybe we should all be grateful I haven’t written it yet
#I’ve been listening to JP Saxe’s ‘A Little Bit Yours’#and i can feel it clawing at me#‘all i do is get over you and I’m so bad at it’#‘maybe if I’d said the right things it never would have gone this way’#‘but maybe that’s the problem cause I still kinda think it was up to me’#‘when I never could have made you stay’#rarity moves away from ponyville because everything is twilight#and she sees twilight just lock it out block it out put it away in a box and move on#and rarity can’t#and she tries#and tries#and a thousand miles away#in the dark of the night#the silence staring her down#she has to live with the idea that twilight got over her like that#that twilight probably already let go long long ago#and yet rarity is there knowing still she’d kill if twilight asked her to#and there’s no victory in that#no poetry or muse#no beauty#it’s just sad and pathetic and a masochism and so self centered#to cling to the hope that twilight still loves her or needs her when she knows it’s not true and it never will be#and the element of generosity wonders when her core got twisted#when generosity and caring and giving became erasing yourself for some pony else#and maybe one day it’ll stop#maybe one day she’ll be fine#but for now#she quietly makes peace with a simple fact#that even if twilight sparkle isn’t hers anymore and never will be again#at least for now rarity is still a little bit twilight’s
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It has been thunderstorming nearly every night since I moved here, should I consider that a bad omen ..
#tai talks#maybe i just dont remember my childhood as well as i thought because i know its not STRANGE to have thunderstorms in the summer#but EVERY night?#i mean i lived on the west coast for the last idk 5 to 7 ish years and i never once encountered a thunderstorm 😫#rain yes not storms 😒 i hate thunderstorms so bad bro#i do remember there being at least a couple bad ones every summer when i was growing up#ugh i hate thunderstorms so bad just let me sleep in peace please
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It seems like you really like the IT book( it 1986), so do you remember Eddie Corcoran’s story from chapter 6. Because like his chapter is for real one of the most heartbreaking chapters in the whole book and he’s like so underrated for no reason. Soooo like what’s your opinions on him and other little interesting thing like that lol.
:)
oh my GOG tbh i think eddie corcoran's death is straight up the most horrifying part of the book. like if u put a gun to my head and said "what part of IT 86 do u find the most stomach churning" THATS IT RIGHT THERE. no one ever really talks abt it by 90% of the fandom on here is movie based and they dont FUCKING include it for some godawful reason (i can understand the 1990 ver not including it specifically for censorship reasons, since it was the 90s and also made for tv and ALSO cut to 3hrs lol) but like. the fact that it wasnt in the movies is criminal tbh.
but i digress.
as for opinions and such regarding the corcoran boy.... i mean, we get next to nothing abt him. what we know is a) his stepdad is an abusive piece of shit b) he had a younger brother that he seemingly cared about deeply (SOBS) c) his pos stepdad killed his baby brother (LIKE ACTUAL BABY. A 4YO???? FR????) d) his death was horrific. theres a little bit more but but but i havent reread that chapter recently so some of it is certainly escaping me. i wish there was more about him as an actual person, but i also understand that w the book already being a billion pages long there is only so much small details that could actually be included, and the history of derry and main story obvs will trump this specific smaller story--but like, fr, i want to know more abt eddie. we know he was terrified of the thing from the black lagoon (fair) and obvs holds a lot of fear and anger and guilt regarding dorsey's death, we know hes abused, we know how he dies. its a weird paradox of being very close to this character (in terms of his pov at the time, being in his head and all just like w any of the main losers) and being extremely removed (we know nothing abt his internal life beyond what his abuse brings out). which. frankly it's somewhat genius bc, yeah, abuse DOES tend to stifle the actual personality/interests of the person being abused and DOES like literally fuck w the brain chemistry and processessing of a child (source: happened to me lolololol), but its also heartbreaking that all we know him as is One of The Missing. he can never be more. its fucked.
soooo . this got away from me. sorry if it makes little to no sense ill just do a small bit on my thoughts summarized HERE:
i wholeheartedly agree that eddie corcoran's death is like. the worst part of the story. listening to it makes me legit sick to my stomach in a way NO OTHER PART OF THE BOOK DOES. LEGIT. and i think the main reason for that is while cosmic horror space clown spider thing is fake, duh, and more obviously used as a stand in for trauma and specifically for childhood trauma and the lasting effects that it has on our psyche, eddie's death is REAL. dorsey's death is REAL. we see, in grusome, up close detail, the actual consequences of abuse and how it destroys people's lives--specifically children's. we see how the complacency of those around such families (eddie's mom, the teachers, the principal, the town of derry at large) contributes to the horrific mistreatment of the most vulnerable, and how NONE OF THEM suffer any consequences for their lack of action. the section ends with eddie's mother getting access to his savings, which amount to less than 20$. to do so, she has to have him legally declared dead, EVEN THOUGH THEY DO NOT HAVE A BODY. AND THAT'S FUCKED. SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO MAKE SURE HE'S FUCKING DEAD BEFORE SHE DOES THIS, DOESN'T WANT THE CLOSURE, DOESN'T WANT TO LAY HIM TO REST, DOESN'T WANT A PLACE TO VISIT. I CAN'T. like obviously we see themes of abuse and neglect in the whole book, that's the whole point, but eddie's story is different. there is no winning. there is no escape. you can't spin it into a better life.
he's a kid, just like any of the losers, but to the universe, he's not 'special,' so his death doesn't matter. he could have been swapped in with any of the other characters--fuck, he literally shares the name of one of them!! and yet he's not, and because of that, he doesn't matter. his death effects no one. the only positive is that it reopens dorsey's case, and even then, the reopening of his brother's death almost entirely sweeps eddie under the rug. the town of derry turns away, and when the truth of dorsey corcoran's death is revealed, the shrug, go so very sad, and wipe their hands of it. just another child death at the hands of an adult monster, just another day.
#richie answers#maladaptivedaydr3amer#im so sorry i dont think i actually answered ur question at all#i tried:/#i have so many thoughts abt this book but nowhere to put them so anytime i try to write them out its just AGHH#if i was still in hs i could write a pretty damn good essay abt this book im certain of it. alas i am now 23 and stupid.#maybe one day ill write an analysis that makes sense. but today is not that day#but yes dear friend i hold eddie corcoran's story very close to the chest#i dont really have hcs regarding him. maybe i should change that. but for now i am simply really fucking sad abt it#esp him just hanging out in bassey park in the middle of the night..... i get it. my stepmother used to kick me out of the house during#arguments and i would just end up wandering around for hours until she finally unlocked the door at ass o'clock at night and let me in. it#was peaceful but the fact that i HAD to do that to get away from her and that she did it in the first place is fucked.#sleeping in the park would have been a repreive tbqh. so. eddie. eddie. eddie. im so sorry eddie......#i wish more people on here were talking abt the boook i NEED to talk abt the book but i also NEED someone to talk abt it w#otherwise i make no sense ever at all. not that i do anyway but its at least a little easier!!!#thank u so much for this ask i have been DYING to get all of this out. thank u thank u thanku#if u ever want to ask me more abt the book PLEASE DO. this applies to anyone. but esp u my good friend maladaptive.#ok richie out bye bye my hands hurt lol#IT 1986#IT Stephen King#Eddie Corcoran#<-tbh idk how his name is actually spelled. i listen to the audioboook ive never actually peeped the correct spelling lol
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 16: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)
Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should offer to help the travelers with their broken wagon.....
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After much internal deliberation (and some zoning out staring at butterflies), The Adventurer decides it would be best to offer his assistance. Technically, he IS still following his goal of not getting distracted, because theoretically it would make his journey much faster if he were able to catch a ride on a carriage. So really, this is all an ultimate big brain genius strategy for maximizing efficient travel.. Or, at least that sounds like a good enough justification to him.
Gathering up all of his social courage, he approaches one of the travelers fiddling with a broken wheel near the far end of the carriage and meekly asks if there's anything he could do to help.
The man was so focused on his task, he seems initially startled to look up and find someone near him. "OH..! Oh, uhh.. help? With the wagon?", he smiles pleasantly, gesturing towards a few wooden boards that are just out of his reach, "Sure, kid. If you could just hand me th-"
"Apologies, but we actually won't be needing your assistance, stranger." A taller man, surprisingly almost matching the stature of the Adventurer, suddenly slinks out from somewhere behind the carriage, sternly placing himself like a barrier in front of the man working on the wheel. Wheel Guy nervously averts his eyes, making himself smaller, silently resuming his work.
The Adventurer tries his best to maintain composure against the weight of the tall man's bitter gaze, but can't seem to muster much of a response "Aeughh,,, uh… b-but, h- Bu--HHHh,,?.."
"Look, disregard whatever my father told you, he's old, never has any clue what he's talking about. It'd be best for you to simply move along." ('Father'? They don't look alike at all, and seem to be nearly the same age..)
"W-well.. he.. he didn't really tell me anything, I me-hhH,,.. I mean, I literally just got here, s-so...."
"Good. Even more reason to be on your way."
Placing a gloved hand firmly on his shoulder, the tall man begins to motion the Adventurer away from the wagon, but a strange noise interrupts, echoing from inside. Perhaps some sort of animal sound? Or a person faintly yelling about something? Or… both?
"WH-wHggg… whAT was t-that???!!" The Adventurer immediately stops in place, pausing to listen as the tall man keeps trying to push him ahead.
"I didn't hear anything, stranger."
"No, t-there.. was dEFinitely, UHH, a-"
"Likely something in the forest."
"Wh--aah... d.. do you think it was an animal?"
The tall man continues a dramatic struggle to 'subtly' drag him further down the road, whilst the Adventurer mindlessly digs in his heels, too distracted to even notice he's being so strongly prompted to leave.
"Many animals do, indeed, exist within forests. This should not be suprising."
"...It's just.. ..eughh… s… so weird…"
"I assure you, it is not."
"I-it really sounded like.. like it came f-from insid-"
"Yes, from inside the forest. Now, please, if you would.."
The noise interrupts again. It's definitely someone, or something, in some sort of distress.. And definitely from inside of the cart.
"wHoAAGH, aa!!! T-tHat's NOT from the f-forest, that-"
The tall man fully just shoves him now, sending the Adventurer toppling across the dirt, clumsily rolling and landing just past the other side of the carriage. A mother and young child who seem to be part of the traveling group simply stare down at him with empty blank gazes, wholly unconcerned about helping him up.
As the Adventurer fumbles back to his feet (still confused as to why he was even pushed in the first place), the tall man looms by the carriage, diligently watching to ensure that he leaves.
"Travel safe, stranger."
Despite his initial obliviousness, the Adventurer begins to piece the situation together as he stares back at the man, now fully convinced something suspicious might be going on...
…What should he do next??
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~
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Additional Information
the adventurer's current main quest: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has
#paventure posting#poll#polls#choose your own adventure#ERM.. ... hee hee... yes.. alas.. it has been like two months since the last one lol#IT'S SUMMER!!!! how can anyone function in the summer..? It's literally 83F in my room indoors right now at this moment at NIGHT#I'm about to go to sleep.. who can sleep in an 80+ degree room comfortably?? ghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#Really no hope of productivity at all from like June - September basically... EVIL.. and also the spring this year had some heat waves so#AUGhh... my nemesis the Summer.. Or moreso capitalism is my nemesis for worsening climate change and also keeping people in such#economic inequality that cheap apartments with terrible ventilation get made and people cant afford air conditioners and etc. etc.#but ALSO... the summer... grrrr.. 'Heat' you will never be famous.. you will always be lame nasty and so forth..#ANYWAY.. also sorry this is another blurb that's longer. The text is always longer when there's actually spoken interactions lol#I know I'm not very good at this style of writing (especially when rushing with these) so I always feel kind of awkward having really long#sections people will have to slog through or etc ghbjhjh but.. I don't really know how it make it shorter. the interaction#is just the interaction. certain things must be said and conveyed. peace and love on planet orth.#Ough it's been so long I almost forgot to draw his injuries lol.. in-world it's only been what like.. a day? since he got into a fight with#that mysterious cloaked person who was tracking him to steal the egg. I also always just forget how to draw him in between breaks#hopefully his hair and stuff doesn't look too different. They're meant to be really quick sketches anyway but still.. you at least want him#to be recognizable lol#ANYWAY.. another update from the Son.. what is he up to on his little traveles...
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putting on mtt offical themes and fanmade theme songs and group songs when i sleep all so when i fall asleep and dream i can see them and see what theyll be like and then i wont have to think of them 24/7 through my day when i can just think of them during night. this possibility could either end up in me getting killed by them so gruesomely that i wake up traumatized or i wake up happy and satisfied from a restful night of trio dream time
#least deranged murder time trio fan#everyday i whisper to the world. make the murder time trio real please#it would absolutely be terrible for me. it would be bad for EVERYONE#but i just NEED to see them#i NEED to see what they would look like. sound like. interact with eachother#i unironically do this like every other night accidentally. bc i listen to their themes a lot#so when i put on loop and then get eepy i dont have energy to turn loop off. and its lowkey relaxing#you wouldnt expect someone to fall asleep to fucking red megalovania but I DO. I DO.#it hasnt worked yet to my disarray. i dream almost every night and not once has the mtt appeared in my sleep#CMON NIGHTMARE PUT THEM IN MY WILLING MIND. IDC IF YOU MAKE THE DREAM NEGATIVE#lowkey questionnaire is genuinely so peaceful to sleep to. its nice and quiet so you get the comfort of horror sans but also can sleep#makes me feel like im right there man.... dressed in a ragged purple dress and a missing arm..... looking at the axe about to kill me#anyways UGH i say this every othe week but i need the mtt to kill me. i know theyd do it quickly too#they wouldnt care enough about me to put me through torture and suffering thankfully. so they could be the angels i already praise them as#also if i have one wish in life its to see the trio bickering and laughing over my dead body as i bleed out#or is that my death wish. either one man i just really like them a tad#my friend and i have watched up to 0.3 pt 2 of underverse ‼️‼️‼️ shes about to get to 0.4#i cant WAIT to see her reaction when ink betrays everyone. she really likes ink so far. shes an ink fan#it KILLS me (haha PUN) to try and hold back on spoilers but i must#anyways soon shell get to see killer's first appearance in underverse im gonna hype him up so much#she also hates nightmare. probably because i told her once that i wrote him killing a cat. but also she just thinks hes an ass#i was like hes serving his purpose thats exactly what he wants. he WANTS you to hate him..... youre just feeding him your negative energy#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au#eepy.... feel eepy...... its late. spent time outside today surprisingly
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turning all the lights at the blood bank bench on like I'm a lizard bc I'm freezing and didn't bring a jacket bc it's fucking ninety outside !!
#sitting in the back corner bc i am the Weird New Girl No One Wants To Talk To.#i can read in peace but i also tried really hard to be a real person and make friends w my coworkers ...#two of them do like me but theyre on vacation so im stuck with one who is neutral at best to me and one who actively hates me#at least i just have tomorrow and then I'll be on nights#the night girls seem nice#and eventually I'll be by myself on nights so i won't have to worry#but. it sucks!!!#they liked me when i was a student or so i thought.....#idk. i am suffering from impostor syndrome i think.#like. this really is the rest of my life huh?#sitting in the corner and being ignored when i try to join conversations?#vent
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-Happy New Year!💛✨
#I hope everyone can have a 2023 filled with good things. health. happiness. love. peace and all the best!#that I love each one of you and I hope to be here until the end for y'all :]#I hope I can stay with the one I love. hope 2023 is better. hope that there aren't too many deaths and not even so much stress..#that I hope that this year is better. that it is filled with joy at least in most of the good times.#that we all can enjoy and live a very good new year!#love y'all. stay safe. hope you guys are having a wonderful day/night and also hope a wonderful new year for all of us💛#mel creator#happy new year#new year#happy new year 2023#happy 2023#mel loly#art#i'm mel and this is my blog✌️#my art blog#my art#my art <3#art mel#my art style#my oc character#scheduled post
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On a bright note today i saw : - one cat (in passing as i was in the bus : it was black) - a magpie (either reckless or supremely unconcerned about the fact that the bus was upon her and she kept HOPPING as she crossed the road instead of like. flying away.)(get this. she was... jaywalking) - lots of dogs ! pretty colored ones with eyes white as ice - a big black heron flying up above
And i did : - buy vegetables and fruits at the market - get my blood taken, got the results, won't die tomorrow apparently (real reading of the results will have to wait on monday or tuesday) - find good (well i hope. we'll see in time) new shoes for nature/long walking. not a fan of the plastic-instead-of-usually-in-metal bits, but they felt really comfortable and fitted to my feet which is rare - listened to live music ! saw a lot of people having fun. it was quite nice
#3615 my life#trying to rentabilize my last two days of holidays...#i'm not rested at all#but i have two new pillows since yesterday and i didn't even agonize hours before buying them#(also because i bought the too and at least that way i can find which one is better for me and have a second one for guests / reclining)#trying the second one tonight...#i don't have pillow case of the right size for them which also change the feeling. the harder one too ensconsed was harder as a result#i slept ok but it wasn't full peacefulness of the face (which lives half into the pillow as i sleep)#but this means the soft one which i feared was too soft to use by itself and not crick my neck#might actually be the perfect way to have a “middle hardness” effect between the soft and hard one#i will not have gotten to sleep before midnight a single time in those holidays. bad look for my 'get your night cycle right again for july
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Bauni really said "father your team is shit" and decided to not watch the end of that. And she's right
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father grimaldi: forgive me, lord, for i have sinned. constantine: — understatement of the bloody century, that is. father grimaldi: the chapel is closed to the public! who are you? how did you get in here . . .? constantine: did you know vatican city has the highest per-capita crime rate of any nation state in the world? i'd have thought a touch of breaking and entering's pretty much par for the course around here.
so #1, an undeniable slay.
#2, how long do we think he was sitting in the confessional booth waiting for the guy to wake up from ellie's fake vision quest. like an hour? checking his light, practicing his Big Reveal Pose TM? he probably brought a book with him and just shoved it underneath the seat cushion when it was time to show off.
#3, knowing how intensely he studied & continues to study in order to teach himself magic at such an absurdly advanced level without any teachers to formally guide him? and how that level of dedication would absolutely carry over into researching a mark / making sure he had every corner of a confidence scheme nailed down pat? i like to imagine that the day before this meeting was spent with his severely under-caffeinated ass parked at a public library computer, squinting at articles for 'most important things to know about vatican city before you travel' or 'top 10 little-known facts about vatican city' and using the back of his boarding pass to take notes on what would be the best throwaway line to blow off all the usual questions with.
also, he probably woke up still in his travel clothes less than two hours before this scene and had to hustle to get suited up in time for his Dramatic Apparition. the demon blood was boiling so bad in that chapel that it was giving him a killer migraine. he didn't get breakfast so his stomach was growling the ENTIRE time. but all that meant was he had plenty of room to eat UP the runway and that's EXACTLY what the fuck he did.i'm
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#always torn in half between 'john is a freaky little weirdo who just Knows Things and Picks Up Vibes and it usually works for him'#and 'john is the most Normal Dude in the whole london occult scene he just works w/ magic like a grad student prepping for finals week'#and you know what? the answer is always 'Both. Both is good.'#also on the one hand i'm truly obsessed with the idea of john just?? Always having a bunch of weird trivia available w/ his eidetic memory#like he read about the apostolic palace once in a book when he was with the peace convoy and his brain latched onto it forever#and it just Happens to become convenient later on and this happens VERY often and no one ever really knows how he does it#but there is a real real charm in considering that he's still Just A Guy beneath all the layers of false confidence and mysticism#still someone who had to work to get to where he is now and who will always have to work to Maintain as well#i like the mental image of him pacing around his temporary digs with index cards and drilling all the necessary details for the scam#or him and ellie getting blasted the night before and dramatically playing out their Big Final Confrontation to iron out all the beats#you just Know they were laughing til they cried workshopping shit like 'MY OLD ADVERSARY! WE MEET AGAIN!' and 'DO YOUR WORST HELLSPAWN!'#still trying to keep straight faces the day of the fake fight while drastically improvising to try and throw each other off their game#idk!!! i always enjoy the Strange and Off-Putting things about him but all of the Really Really Human stuff is also just. so so precious#we always get to see The Myth The Legend as shaped by the errors of The Man. but especially in later years actually SEEING The Man gets rar#all this to say that for every perfectly executed and properly horrifying loom out of the shadows with a glimmer of his freaky glowing eyes#there is always at LEAST half an hour or more practicing angles + expressions + mood lighting in the mirror going on behind the scenes#and that is very very special to me!!!!#( headcanons. ) I'M JUST LIKE THE BASTARDS I'VE HATED ALL ME LIFE.#( visage. ) AND I'M A BASTARD.#sched.
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someones really out here lighting fireworks at 2:37am. girl what are you doing
#when im at my moms place i feel like i live in the best most peaceful place ever (despite the lousy neighbours)#but when im at my dads i feel like ive been dropped directly into a storm or something#theres always people walking about during the day and at night theres a lot of people going out to the bars near our building#so a lot of random stuff ends up happening really late at night#its fun in a way but also kind of bothersome?? like the one employee at one of the bars who has built in speakers in his car#and the speakers are like top grade speakers too so when he blasts them at 3am for no reason its EXTRA annoying#at my moms we had the one guy who would spend the whole morning every sunday fixing up his car#and hed put classic metal music loud enough that you could hear from your apartment but bc it wasnt the same top grade speakers the guy#at my dads block has you could only vaguely hear the music echoing so it was actually really nice#to me at least. im sure someone was bothered by it in some way#i really like both neighborhoods though. even though my moms landlord sucks i really like living there#i have. many stories from my dads neighborhood too. funny stories. weird stories.#like the cup filled with mmisterious yellow liquid (i called it schrodingers cup bc you couldnt tell if it was piss or beer unless you#went over to it and sniffed it/tasted it and ofc noones gonna do that)#theres the time i saw some random thing in the grass football field we have near here and went over to it very excitedly#and i was with my partner so i talked to him like ''LOOK DAN A RANDOM EMPTY CHOCOLATES BOX WHATS IT DOING HERE!!!!!''#and he answered me with ''you know this is probably a marker for some kind of drug dealing'' and i was. very shocked.#hmmm the time i went out with my friends to the suppermarket to buy ingredients for lunch#and we ended up lazying around under some random block and these cats came over to us#and we played with them it was very nice#the time i went out to get coffee with my partner and we sat down in the benches and i picked out a cool bottle cap from the floor......#im getting really sad reminiscing now. i miss my friends so much. i miss my partner so much.....#((it hasnt been that long since we met we literally went out on saturday but i still MISS THEM bc i love them all so much.........))#we should go out again this week... maybe i could even go on and outing just me and my partner#we could grab coffee together again..... maybe ill even get coffee instead of panicking and just getting a brownie like the last time...#i dunno. anyways. living the teenage dream. etcetera. sorry this blogs supposed to be exclusively loserposting about my hyperfixations but#i like talking about my life and shit. ill get back to churning out posts about my silly anime men in a little bit i promise.#talk
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:^)
#🌙.tbd#start of the year n yk i already fucked up#last night i slept nearly 4 n today has been.. a mess already to say the least#but i think it'll be even more pathetic of me to let my shortcomings hinder me#even if it hurts i will and definitely will challenge myself to get back up even higher#but.. i really do mean it when i say humans being yk. social beings r my weakness#i mean it's weird bcs one cld consider so many aspects of humanity to be weak but they also make us strong n#it's a bit too much at times for my sensitive self#anything to do with other ppl is just my weakness. i just can't be enough for it in a way#it hurts when there's always so much i'd love to tell my friends n family but i just can't seem to.. yeah#i crave authenticity so much it hurts. i'm so sick of this world n how#yk all the dishonesty that exists. all the facades n fake bs n everything. i hate it so much#when i just.. want to live like myself. to just be free from all those restrains n barriers to living more meaningfully#n i could just write. yk maybe when i turn 18 i'll really try to write very lengthy letters of what the people in my life mean to me#i really just. want to give that. for no particular reason other than i really want to bcs i really mean it#sometimes i hate how sensitive n emotional i am. how it hurts me n ends up hurting others n tears me even further apart#but then perhaps it's.. in a way when it's not Too much. it's smth special in this world with so much hate n lies n pain n injustice#emotional ppl who r intelligent as well rlly have a special place in my heart.#ahh.. i rlly don't know what i'm writing anymore i feel so bad n so helpless w my incapability rn#life is of the journey. of how we overcome our sufferings. of memories n people. of hope. of love and peace.#but even though yk overcoming pain n sad stuff adds more meaning to yk ^^ yh it's still..#i don't know how to say it right now. bcs there's sm pain that rlly. shldn't have happened? so much injustice..#but more than that pain the reason why humanity is so special to me is how we learn to live yk n yh#' maybe theres virtua in emptiness but still i drown in distress ' that lyrics rlly comforted me. that whole song#virtue* 😭 wahh my tears have dries i'll shower in a bit n. someway somehow i'll find my way. do things better. so long as i move forward.#there's no hope for something better if no future exists.#so as long as we all keep living. i think that's enough#n life isn't meant to be lived by just one person so.. i'm rlly gna do my best. i'm gna do better.
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can't sleep
#slept terribly last night can i please get some rest. please#coworker misgendered me yday and i think this guy rly dislikes me. it's mutual but i have reasons that are not shitty#my reasons = he misgenders me and gives me the creep#his reasons = ? i'm trans ? he's a weirdo and not in a good way ?#but now i keep thinking abt it and abt how lots of ppl assume i'm a woman#that doesn't feel nice especially after years on t. like mostly i've made my peace with it it's whatever i'm not a very masculine person#and i don't even want to be#but sometimes i wish i could wear nail polish and talk the way i talk and have the mannerisms i have and all that without ppl thinking i'm#a woman. like i'm not. i'm not fucking anything please stop assigning me genders#it's so frustrating being nonbinary sometimes. even the least uncomfortable of the binary options ppl insist on labeling me with is#uncomfortable and feels wrong#and i know. i know. this is just how the world works. ppl assume you're one or the other. i have to deal with it#and i do mostly but sometimes i get so frustrated by it bc it's just. it hurts me that it's this way and it feels so constrictive#also my mum misgendered me too today and she didn't even correct herself so that was the nail in the coffin of my feeling bad#man it's been almost exactly 8 years since i came out to her (it was on coming out day)#i can't believe she can't try a little harder#maybe i want too much bc things are better than they were but is it really too much to ask that she stops misgendering me altogether#then again talking about trans things with her has never gotten less uncomfortable so i guess she's just. never going to be truly#comfortable with my transness and i can only be grateful things are better and not ask for more#that sucks tho. i know many have it worse but i'm just tired#strangers misgender me my family misgenders me coworkers misgender me too sometimes like. when can i stop living with the woman label#forcibly put on me. i don't want it. there's nothing wrong with it but it's NOT me so i don't fucking want it#i'm sad. i don't want to feel like this forever
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forgot to text my stepdad happy fathers day and now my mum is mad at me LOL
#in my defence. i already have a father. who i sent a card and gift to and texted. bc hes actually present as a father figure in my life...#sorry i forgot abt the other one but like. the only time i ever talk to him is the annual birthday texts we send each other#its fine i sent him a text anyway it only takes 30 seconds. ik my brother wont tho cuz he hates that guy sjfkfj#dunno why my mum is in our gc asking both of us why we didnt do anything as if my brother would EVER have willing contact with him#anyway.. off to bed#meant to do smth this evening but i was so sleepy after dinner.... had a good wank and then accidentally fell asleep for half an hour#just getting up to brush my teeth and hopefully i can sink straight back into that i was feeling so cosy and peaceful#bao turned out pretty good this time btwww i had some bbq pulled pork w them (from lidl but it wasnt bad LOL)#maybe ill do them again next weekend. shame i cant do them on a weekday bc i dont have time to prove the dough after work#unless i made it the night before and left it in the fridge... hmm#well anyway i have leftover bao for lunch tmr too so yippee#ah what a day. well at least i feel okay now. hope this week is better than the last 🥹#goooodnight <3#.diaries
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