#and guess where that comes from!! this godawful man who knows nothing about art and hates all stylization with a passion!!

[returntotheground]

you know, i thought i hadn't let my dad's constant criticism of my art sink in as a kid because i pretty much always responded to his awfulness by doubling down on whatever he criticized but. uhhh. now that i'm trying to get back into art i'm realizing that doesn't seem to be true

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #292

“dear god, let’s make this fucking clear: dear god, there’s nothing that i fear”

What internet browser do you use? Chrome. What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) Mom just grabs the Great Value jugs. Do you have a job? No. Are you full-time or part-time? N/A Are you watching TV right now? No. Or are you listening to music? Yeah, "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy. Such a great song. Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? No. I would NOT survive in jail. When's your birthday? February 5th. I cannot fucking believe I'm almost 25. Thoughts on kids? Too impressionable for me. Even with my niece and nephew, I feel like every single word I say just like... stamps into their brains, and what if I say something that negatively affects them? I feel like it's my responsibility as an aunt to be a fountain of wisdom when I'm definitely not. I just get nervous around kids. Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents? I wouldn't call it a "punishment," but when I skinned the everliving fuck out of my knees and Mom was patching me up while I was just sobbing away, my dad literally roared "SHUT UP!" from my parents' bedroom, and it's stuck with me forever. Honestly, I think it may be a root in my extreme fear of men yelling. Worst punishment from Mom, probably this time where she smacked the shit outta my arm as a kid and left a clear handprint for a while. Are you the type who is completely against abortion? Why? No, I am firmly pro-choice, despite being pro-life most of my life. I don't feel like writing a moral essay, but basically, I absolutely cannot agree with forcing a woman to carry a human they don't want for whatever reason for nine fucking months, endure one of the most traumatically painful things known to man, and then properly and adequately care for that child. That is such a huge fucking responsibility that should be forced upon *nobody*. "But adoption!" Yeah, go tell that to the thousands of children waiting on you. This is leaning on exactly what I said I wouldn't do, so moving along. Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? "I’ve read some books that were phenomenal, but I wouldn’t necessarily go so far as to say that they 'changed my outlook on life'." <<<< This was Johnny Got His Gun for me. Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? No. What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered? I would fucking freak. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, but I honestly do want at least one, primarily with a deep black and then some nice grays and neutral colors. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yes. Are your nails always painted? Quite the opposite. What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? I honestly don't really decorate because I just don't have the motivation, but Halloween is the best. Were you popular in school? Nope. Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion? BANANAS, dark sodas (like Coke or Dr. Pepper), peanut butter can... It's hard for me to tell much now because I have chronic heartburn and am medicated for it. Works great, so I don't experience this much. Is there something you intend to buy in the near future? Yes. Once my tattoo is done (I'm setting the appointment the next time we leave the house, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), what I have left is going towards Venus' new terrarium. She really needs a 40 gallon. Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? I was the art kid, and family still insist I should be an artist. What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have? Omg, Roman has so many. He nuzzles me all the time, will collapse into my hand to pet him, he insists on being the little spoon at bedtime (no, really), he literally tries to groom me with his teeth, licks my face... He is just a doll. My little buddy for sure. Now onto Venus. She loves to chill next to me in bed or find a cozy place under the covers, and omgggg does she love to slither around the bed doing the periscope thing. So curious. What's the screensaver on your computer? I don't have one. What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I am WEAK for nice shoulderblades/muscular shoulders ok. What’s the sexiest thing about a girl? I am an ass bitch and I will not hesitate to admit it ayyyyyeeeee. Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021? Nobody. Who was the last person to send you a message on social media? My sister Misty. She's planning to surprise Mom (her stepmom, anyway) by showing up in a few weeks with her fiance and all her kids she's never met but desperately wants to. My mom is the only "real mom" she's ever had, and she just feels so bad that she has a by now teenage daughter (among three other younger ones) that has never met her "grandmother." It's just an expensive and long trip, but Misty's finally called it enough and is just driving down here with everyone. Mom is going to fucking sob. ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? Nice timing for this, since her fiercely anti-mask bullshit is all I can focus on about her lately... but there are good things about her. She truly is a very loving, passionate woman that, just like me, feels deeply and expresses it. What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown? Does grimacing count from a sudden bodily pain? Have you smiled at any point during the last hour? Yeah. I'm watching the VOD of Arin Hanson playing Kingdom Hearts 2 for charity, and he went on a total fucking laughing fit. His laugh is so precious, so I just couldn't stop grinning. What was the last thing you consulted Google for? Ensuring "grimace" was the right word for my former expression, even though I was pretty positive it was correct... I don't know if anyone's noticed, but my English skills are degrading, particularly in spelling. It's concerning me. I was an English whiz my whole life up to now. My only guess is it's related to how godawful my memory is also declining. So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? No. When was the last time you were on a carousel? Probably not since I was a teenager being goofy with Jason or somebody. What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? I have a picture on my dA of a beautiful elephant walking RIGHT by its fence at the zoo. It was pretty amazing, considering just how incredibly immense their enclosure is. Have you ever played Halo? No, it's not my kinda game. Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine? Oh, I'm positive I've read sections while in waiting rooms of various places. When was the last time you had a pillow fight? I have no idea. Realistically it was probably w/ Jason since that sounds like some cute playfighting thing we'd do, but I don't remember a particular instance. Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: "Retail works. The horror stories my mom has on the daily is absolutely ridiculous. People can be so incredibly rude." <<<< I absolutely agree with this; what friends and strangers alike rant about is just depressing. Nobody, especially those working through a goddamn pandemic that's killing thousands, deserves the disrespect that comes their way. Have some goddamn decency and know half the issues you bring up to retail workers isn't even their damn fault. Ohhhh, I could rant about this. In your own words, define what the word sexy means. So you mean like, what I think is considered sexy, not just the general definition? If that's the case, uhhh. Self-confidence (but absolutely not arrogance) is very attractive to me as a bitch who lacks it entirely, as well as good manners, being outgoing, and just... charm. I don't quite know how to describe that "charm" other than I'm really drawn to people who are unique and happy with it and just seem to have an aura about them that feels good to be in. What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live? I'm going to look at this question as if you're asking about my state and not general location because 1.) there ain't shit here and 2.) I'd prefer to keep relatively where I live quiet on the Internet. Looked it up and apparently NC's biggest tourist bait is the Biltmore Estate. Never been there myself, but it'd be pretty dope. Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? I'm in my own home and pjs, who the fuck wears underwear with that criteria lmao. Are you any good at volleyball? NOOOOOOOOO. I went to a volleyball camp thing once when I was younger and that shit hurts the hell outta your hands. I didn't stay long. Have you ever had a water balloon fight? Why of course. Do you think some babies are ugly? Quite honestly, probably most, especially newborns. Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I do; going there was one of the most exciting possible things to me as a kiddo. Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? Possibly. I mean they sure are pretty successful and well-known. Do you love stuff-crusted pizza? Eh, it's not my preference, but I'll eat it. Do you apply lotion after you bathe? No, but I really should, given how dry my skin is. What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? I'd like to not think about this. Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? Lol definitely not. I think at least one on my older channel hit 1k somehow???? It was a birthday gift I made for someone. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? lol I already have one there. At some point I'm getting it covered, though. Do you like Robert Frost poems? I do! Do you go to church every Sunday? I never do. Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year? No, I don't play that game. You want me or you don't, so I'm not wasting my time on your uncertainty or just our lack of stability for whatever reason. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Absolutely writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? ?????????????????? i don't?????????????? care???????????????? they're not my tits??????????????? What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I don't know. I avoid trying shit on like the plague. And then it ends up being too big/small. I wonder why. Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes? I've only ever fallen asleep naked once, and accidentally at that, so I really don't remember how I felt about it? Consciously though, I would feel very, very vulnerable so don't have plans to when I have my own place. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? HAHAHA Y'AAAAAALLLLLLL THIS WAS DEADASS THE ONLY LUCID DREAM I'VE EVER HAD LMAOOOOO Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? My short-term memory is absolutely atrocious, like to the point it seriously affects my ability to get shit done. You can give me something that needs to be done and I will forget in a heartbeat. Now, my long-term memory is astonishing. I can remember many things from my childhood in incredible detail. Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before? Did you need to have surgery for it? I've had a concussion or two. I can't remember which. I didn't need surgery. Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve? Yeah: chronic depression, crippling social anxiety, generalized anxiety, avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD, bipolar II, and I think that's it. My head's a mess and a half. What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? About to the small of my back; how it is now, which is pretty much shaved on the left and fades to near my chin on the right. I actually got it cut last month; we've gone to a family friend for years whose shop is just an extra building by her house and very rarely has more than two clients in it. We had masks on, of course. At what age did you start getting gray hairs, if you happen to have any? I don't have any. Somehow, given my stress level at all times, haha. What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it? It's too short to style. I don't use any products in it but obviously shampoo. Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way? Probably my mom. I think she was in a rotten mood for one reason or another and just being snappy and generally rude. Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? We do; it's by choice, and it'd be immensely ignorant not to where we live considering it literally gets picked up with the other garbage. Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day? I've never tried carbonated water, and flavored water rarely works for me due to artificial sweeteners giving me beastly headaches. So I'll just take really cold, filtered water. Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? I had to call the ambulance for my mom right before her cancer was discovered because she was literally immobile and in ungodly pain. When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? At my old college, as the newspaper photographer, I took some artsy pics up there. I will probably forever worry that leaving school resulted in the biggest career opportunity slipping through my fingers through that newspaper. Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? I guess about the normal amount you'd see in the country. Some dangerous animals live here, sure, that's probably everywhere, but you very rarely see any. Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? For suicidal thoughts and one attempt, yes. Have you ever experienced a panic attack? Ahhhh, do I know those well. Thankfully, it's been a long time since I had an all-out panic attack. Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID? Nope. Well, besides being a vet, which I haven't wanted to be since I was a kid. Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? No. Because it's apparently a fuckin hoax or not as bad as the government wants us to think. Fucking cretins. Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree? Artificial. Real ones aren't worth the money nor mess. What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn? Caramel corn. Do you drink oat milk? No, but I'm interested in at least trying it. The dairy industry is absolutely repulsive if you look into it, and I'd love to do what I can to take as little part in it as possible... even though I am a dairy fiend. I seriously wish I could go vegan, I am just WAY too picky for it. Do you love thrifting? Oh fuck yes. I've been very few times in my life, but I'mm all about it. Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic? I do find it visually appealing; I like the flow of similar letter height. I never do it for "serious" things, but on places where it's "for the aesthetic," it's likely that's how I'll write something. Do you say “mood?” Way too much lmao. Do you own fairy lights? No, though I would like them if it wouldn't look stupid in my room. Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? ... I didn't know glass straws were a thing. I have a handful of metal ones though, but I always forget I have one in my purse when I go out... Have you made a TikTok? No. Do you own airpods? No. Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I don't believe in a planet's position or whatever having any effect on people. Do you make life choices based on astrology? Definitely not, considering I don't believe in it to begin with. How many pairs of converse shoes do you own? Maybe like, five? Number of jeans in your closet: Zero. What accent do you have? Not really any, but sometimes I sound kinda southern with specific words. Do you have a big butt? Yo I got a Hank Hill ass, so no. Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? In my past relationships, yes, I assigned our anniversary to memory. I don't really... know why, like it doesn't really matter how long you've been together, I just do. Have you graduated? From HS, yes. I dropped out of college three times lmao. Rihanna or Lady GaGa? Ohhh, not sure. Maybe GaGa, but both ladies have songs I love. "Disturbia" doess beat all of her songs, tho. The fuckin BEAT. Do you use fake eyelashes? Never tried 'em. Which was the last book that really captivated you? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. What makeup brands do you use? I'm not loyal to any, really. I would be if I could afford expensive shit, but yeah, that ain't my life.

[lilyswritings]

Hold On To Me / Part II

Author’s note: WOW! The feedback to part 1 was so overwhelmingly positive, I just had to make another part! Sorry it wasn’t sooner, but I’ve been at art camp for the past 3 weeks and then travelling ever since! There isn’t a TON of Steve x Reader in this one, but I wanted to set up the plot and the relationships a bit more BEFORE we get to the juicy stuff (like No Man’s Land yeeeee) 

Summary: You joined this godawful war alongside your brother and his best friend. As a female pilot, already under stress due to your gender, the war became too much, ripping away everything you loved - but Steve was always by your side. Then he disappeared, and you had nothing left. So when he turns up out of nowhere with a stunning warrior goddess by his side, there are mixed feelings that arise. But you cannot let yourself get distracted by feelings that may or may not be reciprocated - there is still a war to be won.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

Steve Trevor x Reader

   The towering iron structure that is the train station looks exactly the same as it did the last time you were there. There are young men in uniform march past you, each with a suit that reminds you all too much of the way your brother used to prance around proudly in his flight suit. You find your hand clutching Steve’s jacket as he guides Diana and you through, your eyes falling to the floor as you watch the soldiers march off to the front, singing merrily as they stride past. You look back up once you begin to board the train.

   Your eyes flick to the side, seeking out Diana’s, whose face has morphed into one of grief as the wounded soldiers pour onto the platform around you. You can’t help but feel sympathy for her, as you know she’s never seen anything like this. 

   “It’s awful.” She mutters.

   “That’s why we’re here.” Steve replies, and when he looks down at you with words still hanging in the air, you force yourself to rip your gaze away and set upon finding the boat you’ve hired. 

   The rest of the journey passes as a blur - you haven’t been back on the battlefield since you gave up your badge, and you never planned on coming back to the fields of violence and desolation. As Diana reacts to everything anew, you set yourself on just putting one foot in front of the other, setting a steady pace as your small group heads through the chaos to meet with Chief. 

   “You doing okay?” After a long while of walking in silence you’re surprised when Steve sidles up next to you, leaving Diana to talk with Sami. 

   “Fine.” You mutter, but catch his raised eyebrow and knowing blue eyes. “Okay, not fine. They all look like him, Steve. Every one of them. It’s like I’m still waiting for him to stagger home.” 

   He nods, clenching his jaw and letting his eyes fall to the floor, and you know you aren’t the only one suffering the loss. “You shouldn’t have come.” He says, and you shake your head, a strand of hair falling out of your bun. 

   “You know that wasn’t an option for me, Steven.” You mutter, and he leaves the conversation, noting the sky beginning to turn orange as the sun sets over the battlefield around you.

   When you finally arrive at his campsite, a small bubble of joy bursts in your heart at the familiar form outlined by the orange glow of the flames. 

   “You’re late.” Chief states, stoking the fire, and you can’t help but smile in comfort at the familiar voice. 

   “Cowboy sneak attack, Chief.” Steve replies, and when Chief turns away from the fire you jump at him, enveloping him in a hug. Everyone greets him, until he gets to Diana, who introduces herself and everyone begins to settle in.

   “I thought you said you were never coming back.” Chief says, as the other boys toast their beers, and you shrug. 

   “I didn’t think that I would. I didn’t think I could.” You can’t seem to find anything else to say, but it doesn’t seem like Chief needs anything else. He simply nods, handing you a mug of warm tea, and you thank him as you sit down on a small rug near the fire.

   A short while later, the campsite has fallen quiet, save for the crackling of the fire and the distant thunderous sound of German planes above. Chief sits and idly stokes the fire, Charlie and Sami have already fallen asleep, and Diana is sat a few steps away from Chief, discussing the sounds of the planes. Steve hands you a short blanket and you nod graciously, your eyes drifting over his face as the fire casts shadows that accentuate his dimples and jawline. 

   When you meet his eyes again you realize he must have noticed you staring, and you duck back into yourself, spreading the blanket over your torso and shutting your eyes firmly. Luckily, it doesn’t take you long to fall asleep, your mind already slow and tired from the long trek and the shock of Steve being alive. But when you do fall asleep, you wish you hadn’t closed your eyes at all.

   Everything is fine - the air is clear, Andrew is laughing erratically at one of Steve’s dumb remarks, your pilot’s badge sits on your chest and solidifies your position in this world - that is, until you catch sight of the German turrets aimed directly at the airspace the three of you occupy. You barely register the glint of metal before something flies in front of you, taking the fire and bursting into flames.

   “Look ou-!” Your brother’s voice shouts, cut off all too suddenly as static replaces his voice on the line. 

   “ANDREW!” You scream into the headset, watching as your brother’s plane spirals down in a cloud of smoke and flame. Suddenly, it’s as as if you no longer control your body. You angle your plane and begin to dive towards the blue water after his, when Steve’s voice comes on the other line.

   “Y/N! We have to get out of here!” He shouts, and you shake your head even though you know he can’t see you, hot tears marring your vision. 

   “He could have-”

   “There’s no way he survived! If we stay here much longer we’ll be shot down too!” Steve shouts, and you spots his plane hovering around yours, covering you from German fire. “We have to go.” He says, voice solemn, and you let out a cry of despair.

   “LET ME SAVE HIM!” You scream, your eyes fixated on the spot in the water where you’d seen Andrew go down. “Steve, let me save him!” 

   Something is shaking you, hard, and through the haze of the memory you realize that it is not the grief wracking your body, but something solid - hands, possibly, holding onto your shoulders and-

   When you wake up, gasping, words dying on your tongue, you realize everyone is awake and Steve is hovering over you. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” He murmurs, and you swallow heavily but nod anyways, cheeks ablaze with shame as you watch Charlie stomp off into the distance due to something else. 

   “Who is Andrew?” Diana asks from across the fire, and the name almost makes you start sobbing again, if not for you grounding yourself and clenching your jaw, taking deep breaths like you’d practiced with Steve.

   “My brother. He was my brother.” You force out, and you watch the recognition and pity dawn on her face. Suddenly, the fire is too hot and there are too many people around you. “I’ll find Charlie.” You say, standing up hastily to stomp away as well.

   “They see ghosts.” You hear Chief behind you but force yourself not to turn around, to keep walking in the direction Charlie went. When you find him, he looks up, geared to start shouting, but seeing your face he simply scoots across the log slightly and makes a space for you to take, which you do.

   The silence is comfortable, the two of you sharing a moment of serenity until something dawns on you and a short, unhumorous laugh falls from your mouth. 

   “We really are doing this, aren’t we.” It’s a statement, not a question, and the Scotsman chuckles as he nods.

   “You can bet your ass we are.” He confirms, accent thickly coating his words. “You know, your brother would be so proud of you.” 

   You smile at his words, fingers fluttering up to the silver dogtag around your neck that you’d received after his death. “You think?”

   “I know he would. And I know someone else is proud of you, too.”

   You furrow your eyebrows, glancing back at camp when you catch a glimpse of Steve’s eyes boring into yours, and suddenly you know who Charlie is talking about. Your heart sinks as you think of the only other woman in the camp, the one Steve (and the rest of the group) are obviously enamored with. 

   “Yeah. Like another brother, I guess.” You say, and Charlie nods, causing your hopes to diminish even further. You know Steve doesn’t think of you in that sense, and you know even if he did you wouldn’t have a chance.

   “Goodnight, Charlie.”

tags list: @theclonewarss @deanilostmyshoe @ly--canthrope @heyitsjaybird @alexx-in-wonderland123 @whaledenwtf @friceaurelia07 @theflashrunner 

[imaginetonyandbucky]

On one of incorrect quotes blog I found this dialogue: Bucky: In 20 years, I guarantee you, I will be Tony's second husband. Tony: What happened to my first husband? Bucky: Nothing you can prove. Could you write a story with this dialogue?

Nothin’ you can prove.

Author note: Hi! I’m the new author/artist, wyvernfire! (Though you are likely to find my fandom works over at getmcfucked, haha.) This is my first fill for this blog. I adored this prompt and had to snatch it up. Hope I did alright!

[AO3 Link]

“I'm serious, Stevie.”

“I know you are,” Steve said, but he had that stupid little grin that meant he absolutely did not know how serious Bucky was. “I'm sure you'll be very good for each other.”

Bucky scoffed. “No shit. I'm not marrying him on a whim.”

“You're not even dating him yet,” Steve pointed out oh-so-helpfully.

(mobile users watch out for the readmore!)

Smug (not so) little punk.

“What, you think I won't?” Bucky challenged. “I'm going to date the shit out of him.”

The carrots on the cutting board didn't stand a chance. One of the orange circles flew off under the force of the blade and Steve caught it, popping it in his mouth happily. Bucky spun the blade to flick another piece of carrot-y debris at his friend. It hit Steve square on the nose, which cheered Bucky up considerably.

“What's his favourite flower?” Bucky tried to sound casual.

Steve snorted. “A bouquet? You're gonna buy the billionaire some flowers?”

“It's a classic courting gift, Stevie.” Bucky slid the carrot slices off the cutting board and into the food processor next to him, then reached for the bananas. They looked weird. Long and a little too pale yellow, but Steve had assured him that bananas had just changed since the 40s. Something about a fruit plague. It was weird. He started slicing them too. “You don't buy flowers for your pal, you buy them for your gal or your fella. It's romantic. A big giant 'I want to date you’ sign. Can't be misinterpreted. You remember that time with Masie?”

“Who?” Steve scrunched up his nose.

“That little brunette gal you liked. Got her a bracelet and--”

“She thought it was a swell birthday present,” Steve grumbled, looking suddenly glum. “Thanks for the reminder.”

“No problem,” Bucky grinned. “I know you got memory problems n’all that. What with the old age and--”

“Thanks, Buck,” Steve growled. Bucky laughed.

Apparently deciding that he could actually be helpful for once, Steve lifted himself off the bar stool and cleared away the banana peels, chucking them into a flat green bin that had 'Compost’ scrawled across the top in Bruce's handwriting.

“Remind me again what sparked this interest?” Steve asked, and the tone was a little off.

Bucky frowned. “Why?”

Steve shrugged, grabbed a kitchen towel and wiped off his hands. “Curiosity.”

“Curiosity killed the cat,” Bucky warned.

“But satisfaction brought it back,” Steve said without missing a beat. “So spit it out.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes at Steve trying to figure out where the rigid posture and puffed out chest had come from. He mentally went over their conversation again, not finding anything that should've stepped on the man's toes but with Stevie? Who knew. Might be another one of those future things he'd have to research.

Well, in for a penny…

“Communal shower at the gym,” Bucky said with a wolfish grin. “Timed it juuuust right. That ass is a work of art.”

There it was. The disapproval that had been simmering since the topic had been broached. Bucky took a deep breath, trying to smooth down his instinctively raised hackles, and maybe not start a fist fight in the kitchen. It was only his second week in the tower, after all. No one needed to know how many issues between he and Steve got resolved by playing Bloody Knuckles. Yet, at least. Just seemed impolite.

“So you want to sleep with Tony,” Steve clarified in that same tone he used as Captain America.

Bucky rolled his eyes so hard it actually hurt. “No, I said I wanna marry him. Clean the gunk outta your ears.”

Steve frowned. “And you decided this based off of his ass?”

“Yep,” Bucky said, popping the 'p’ loudly. “Work of art.”

Steve's frown deepened into a full on disapproving scowl. “I don't think that's a good idea, Buck.”

“Oh?” Bucky widened his eyes with surprise and batted them as innocently as someone with a world class kill count feasibly could. “Why's that?”

“Tony's… been through a lot,” Steve started carefully.

Bucky nodded, the perfect picture of active listening, sliding the banana slices into the food processor and screwing in the plastic lid until it clicked.

“He may have a reputation for sleeping around but--”

Bucky turned on the food processor, drowning out the rest of Steve's sentence. The blond stammered mid-word then tried again.

“But he's actually quite sensitive--”

Bucky turned the food processor up from Grate to Grind, still watching Steve with wide patient eyes. Not much good came out of the whole Winter Soldier thing, but his poker face was solid. Steve squinted at him, trying to figure out if he was doing it on purpose. Bucky blinked back.

“And I think,” Steve practically shouted over the noise, “that stringing him along for sex would hurt him pretty bad. He's a good man--”

He pressed the Liquify button, willpower being the only thing keeping unrestrained glee off of his face. Steve's mouth snapped shut and he glared. Bucky bent his knees a little, leaning over to peer at the orange-y mush spinning around inside the food processor. He pretended to inspect it for a couple seconds before nodding approvingly. He pressed the off button.

Steve looked like he was ready to strangle him.

“Sorry Stevie, were you sayin’ somethin’?”

Steve puffed out a breath of air and honest to God closed his eyes and counted. Incredible. If only he'd picked up the skill in the 40s when he couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

“I'm saying that Tony is a good friend, Buck. He was my first friend when I woke up and…” His eyes gentled, looking down at the kitchen flooring. “I would hate to see him hurt. That's all.”

Bucky took the mixing component off the processor's stand and upended it slowly into the shiny metal mixing bowl that sat under a high powered mixing tool. Kitchen appliances these days were insane. He tapped the side, making sure to get all of it before putting the plastic in the sink.

“And I know you, Buck,” Steve said, that godawful 'please don't disagree’ undertone as blaringly obvious as the bright blue plaid stretched across his chest.”I know you can be a charming son of a bitch when you want to be--”

“Damn right.”

“--and if you pull Tony into a romantic relationship…” Steve floundered. “He puts his whole heart into things, is all. Even if he doesn't show it often.”

Bucky nodded slowly, considering. He pulled the fridge door open and grabbed two eggs, cracking them each into the mixing bowl before tossing the shells in the sink. He thought better of it then, fishing them out and shuffling towards the compost bin. Steve obligingly opened the lid for him, then handed him the towel after he rinsed his hands. He leaned against the sink, taking the time to make sure to get all the gooey bits out of the metal divots in his fingers.

Steve continued with a half smile. “So if you're just after a lay, I'm just saying that maybe he's not your best bet. Make sense?”

“Sure, yeah. Makes perfect sense.”

Bucky pulled a container of flour from one of the cabinets and carefully measured out two cups before dumping it into the mix. He could practically hear Steve's suspicion behind him as he worked and tried not to grin, adding a pinch of salt to the batter.

“Plus, folks these days don't make such a big thing outta casual sex,” Steve pushed his way through the sentence and the blush was audible. Jesus. “There are all these, uh. Apps.”

“That right?” Bucky said, because he couldn't help himself. “Apps?”

“Yeah,” Steve coughed. “Nat showed me. There's uh, Tinder, Grindr, uh--”

Bucky snorted, unable to hold back his laughter any longer. Steve spluttered to a stop, eyes wide and face red, spitting out protests as Bucky turned the mixer on high to drown out his words. The irritation that settled into Steve's face still hadn't changed from the first time Bucky had pulled his sorry ass out of a back alley dumpster. All righteous anger and pride.

He flicked the mixer off and pulled the motorized apparatus back away from the bowl. He let the batter settle as he fished around for a flat spatula, seizing his prize with a triumphant grin and waving it at Steve's face before getting to work scraping the less mixed batter around the sides the bowl into the center. Guess even with all the fancy equipment some stuff still needed to be done by hand. Pity.

Nah, Bucky thought with a smile. Tony could probably fix that.

He glanced over his shoulder and sure enough Steve was still staring at him petulantly.

“I mean it Buck,” Steve warned. “Don't hurt Tony.”

Bucky turned to face him fully, leaving the spatula in the bowl. He tilted his chin out challengingly, and gave Steve his best appraising look. Like expected, Steve didn't even flinch. Idiot.

“Yeah?” Bucky said. “Or what?”

Shock flickered over Steve's face, followed by disbelief, rage, and then finally suspicion.

“The hell do you mean 'or what?’ Or I'll kick your ass, that's what.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “See you're missin’ somethin’ vital here, Stevie.”

“Yeah? And what's that?” Steve's eyes widened as soon as the words were out of his mouth, quickly morphing into a sharp glare. “The helicarrier don't count, Buck. I wasn't fightin’ back. I still think I could kick your ass--”

“No you couldn't,” Bucky said blandly. “Couldn't in ‘42, and that ain't different now. I don't care if you moved a hundred weight classes. You're predictable as shit.”

Steve let out an offended sounding noise but Bucky cut him off.

“But that ain't what you're missin’. I mean, you are missing common fucking sense apparently, but that wasn't what I was getting at.” He paused in his improvised lecture to start digging through cabinets for a baking pan.

Lots of cookie sheets, a couple cupcake tins, did they not have a--oh, there it was. Bucky's metal hand clinked around the side of the bread pan as he pulled it free. Steve was still going on about how he had plenty more experience now or some shit, like it could at all compare to seventy goddamn years of professional assassinations. He grinned. Some things never changed.

“Steve. Stevie,” Bucky interrupted, raising an eyebrow at his friend. “Deep breaths, pal.”

“I don't have asthma anymore, Buck--”

“You're still turnin’ bright pink.”

Steve scowled something fierce. “Y’know what, Buck? Go right ahead. Sleep with Tony. But don't expect me to help or support you in this. It's cruel and I can't believe you would--”

“Stevie, Jesus Christ, would you take a goddamn breath for a sec? Lemme speak.”

Steve crossed his arms over his chest, somehow managing to look just as annoying as he had in the 40s. Bucky fought off another grin. It was hard to stay mad when he was finally stable, finally able to participate in this insane future world he found himself in. Living the impossible where Steve was taller than him and they both recently celebrated their hundredth birthdays.

Same future where a man in a metal suit could soar through the air, leaving birds in the wake behind him.

“You seem to be forgetting that part where I said I'm gonna marry him,” Bucky mirrored Steve's pose, meeting his gaze evenly. “I ain't exaggerating.”

Irritation left Steve's face slowly, but the suspicion was still there. And honestly, it was a little relieving to be suspected of toying with someone's heart rather than stabbing it. Felt more normal.

“I don't get it,” Steve finally said. “You said you made this decision when you--”

“Communal showers, yep,” Bucky nodded, affirming. He chewed the inside of his cheek a little, doing a little suspicious staring of his own. He sighed loudly. “You really gonna make me talk about my feelings right now?”

“Yep,” Steve said evenly, popping the 'p’ extra loud in his best imitation of Bucky.

What a punk.

He groaned loudly, scuffing his feet on the floor as he moved, taking his sweet time dumping the batter into the bread pan. Steve could just sit there and wait. It wasn't like they were getting any older.

When he finally slid the pan into the oven and set the timer Steve had slid back over to the kitchen stools, perched there and waiting like an overgrown and judgmental bird.

“Well?”

Bucky scowled. He stalked across the kitchen, stopping at the sink so that he could stare Steve down properly, and let the humour leave his face. He sure as hell wasn't going to be having this conversation twice.

Steve flinched, looking behind Bucky towards the door. He opened his mouth, “Uh, Buck--”

“No, you want me to talk feelings? Let's talk about my goddamn feelings,” Bucky snapped.

Steve winced.

“Tony ain't just a mechanic with a suit. Sure, it's incredible, like somethin’ outta those sci-fi books I used to get. I mean, a guy flying outside of a plane on its own is something for the records, but he makes it look graceful. Effortless. And it is for him,” Bucky shook his head, reaching down into the sink to flick bits of debris down the garbage disposal. He didn't want to see Steve's reaction yet. “Everything is. That mind of his is somethin’ else, Stevie. But it doesn't stand a chance against his heart.”

Steve's eyes widened more, and he glanced at the door behind Bucky again. Bucky snapped his fingers to get Steve's attention back on him, feeling marginally more satisfied when Steve cringed and obliged.

“I dunno if you all just got used to it, or if there's somethin’ I'm missin’, but he pours his whole goddamn soul into the Avengers. And I don't just mean funding.” Bucky stepped to the side to open one of the closer cabinets and gestured to all the various and weird cereals, snacks, and internationally imported treats that were stocked in meticulous order. “He takes the time to know you. Figure out how to turn a tower into a home. I know for a fact some of this shit was discontinued, and Nat's weird chips are definitely illegal by FDA standards. But that doesn't stop Stark.”

A small smile crossed Steve's face and maybe he was finally getting it. Bucky closed the cabinet and shook his head.

“Thing is, Stevie, the world can't be saved. No matter how ready your heroes are, no matter how good your tech is. You put one fire out and it starts another.” He held up a placating hand before Steve could interrupt him. “I ain't sayin’ that that means it ain't worth tryin’. But it's just a fact of the business. For every Captain America, there's always gonna be a Winter Soldier.”

Steve's smile faded into a pressed grim line. So Bucky pushed past it.

“Tony does it anyway. He ain't got powers, ain't got enhancements, nothin’. He's just a guy with a suit. An awesome suit, but,” Bucky conceded a little, “no obligation. And he still goes into it just like you lot do. But he goes in with his heart wide open.”

The blond’s eyes watched him thoughtfully, still occasionally seeking the door, but calmer.

“And I ain't sayin’ that you all don't care. M’not. Just that there ain't nobody on this horrible planet that still goes into hell with his heart as open and vulnerable as Tony does.” Bucky shrugged. “Don't gotta be close to the guy to see it.”

Steve nodded slowly. After a minute or so, his eyes found Bucky's again. “So you're serious about him then?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Christ, Stevie. I sure think so.”

Steve laughed a little, looking considerably more at ease. That whole 'fight me’ vibe had simmered and faded, leaving curiosity glittering in his eyes. Or trouble. Probably trouble.

“And you're gonna marry him, huh?”

“Yep,” Bucky said, popping the 'p’ extra loud. “So you better get on board, Rogers.”

“Oh, you got a plan now?” Steve grinned. “Know his favourite flowers yet?”

Bucky snickered. “I'll figure out the plan along the way. Tell you what though. In ten years? I’m gunna be Tony Stark’s second husband.”

Steve was giggling again in that way that only meant trouble. Bucky tried to look exasperated but his smile probably gave him away.

“What, punk? What’re you laughin’ at--”

“What happened to my first husband?” said a cheerful voice behind him.

Bucky froze. Steve's laughter was now generously peppered with wheezes and snorts. Of course. Of course.

Fuck it.

Bucky turned around and gave Tony his most charming grin. “Nothin’ you can prove.”

He held up his hand over his shoulder and Steve high fived him instantly. Good to know Rogers was on board, at least.

Tony laughed, a little under his breath, and shifted his weight back and forth. Like he was nervous. Bucky tilted his head and waited. Eventually those big brown eyes were back on him and the grin he'd seen plastered all over magazines and TV screens couldn't have held a candle to the one in front of him. Bucky's heart gave a traitorous little thump.

“Yeah, alright. I'll bite,” Tony said with a nod, looking genuinely pleased. His brow quirked just a little. “Favourite flowers are red Columbines. Remind me of something I'm pretty fond of. You’ll know it when you see it.”

Bucky nodded, biting his lip to try and keep from grinning like an idiot. “Red Columbines. Got it.”

“You can pick me up at eight on Friday,” Tony informed him, trying to keep the playfulness off his face and only barely getting any traction. “Wear something nice. You know what, just let Nat pick it out for you.”

“Aw, you don't think I could charm you all by myself?” Bucky asked and thanked every deity he could think of (including Thor) that his voice didn't wobble. “And here I was going to put on my best hoodie and everythin’.”

Tony laughed again and Bucky couldn't help the way his grin widened.

“Friday. Eight o’clock sharp. Don't be late,” Tony said, wavering a bit where he stood.

“Anything for you, doll,” Bucky winked.

Tony gave an embarrassing little giggle snort that Bucky would treasure for the rest of his goddamn days, then turned on his heel and left the kitchen. Bucky didn't need to look behind him to know that Steve was grinning.

“I did try to stop you,” Steve offered, not even able to get the words out without laughing.

“You're such a punk.”

Steve laughed at him some more and Bucky didn't bother trying to hide the dopey smile on his face.

“Though, he was probably coming to the kitchen to get food, not be proposed to,” Steve pointed out. “And I don't think he's consumed anything that isn't coffee in a couple days.”

Bucky's smile dropped off his face and he whirled around to check the timer. Fifteen minutes left of baking. Fifteen minutes to school his expression into something that wasn't gag worthy.

“I'll make sure to bring him some fresh carrot-banana bread. He likes all that healthy shit, right?”

“Mhmm.” Steve nodded.

“Good,” Bucky said, leaning back against the counter and trying to catch his breath. His heart was still hammering away worse than it had in years and he couldn't get enough of it. The dizzy feeling spread down to his knees as he realized Tony hadn't exactly said no to the whole accidental marriage proposal.

Well then. Ain't that somethin’.

“Good,” Bucky said again, the grin back in full spread. “Maybe I can cut down the plan to four years.”

Steve laughed and Bucky barely noticed.

[builtinadaygames]

Scratch the itch: what I played last month #2

Hi, I'm Kevin Beissel and I make games under the name Built In A Day. I also lurk on Twitter @builtinadayKB and have a space shooter on itch.  This is the second itch game post I've done, you can read the first here.  I'm including this preamble from the first post since it lays out the ground rules:

The purpose of this post is to cover some of the free games on itch.io, from a developer and fan perspective.  I'd like to make it a recurring series, maybe a monthly breakdown but who knows.  Like Douglas Adams said, the best part of deadlines is the great WHOOSHING sound they make while flying by.

Before we get to the games, I just want to clarify why I'm doing this and what I hope it accomplishes.  So here's the what, why and how:

The WHAT

Discuss free games available on itch.io

I've got a list of profiles to check out, but please send along any recommendations.

There are no restrictions on genres.  The whole point of this is to be curious and ask questions.  So no dumb rules like "No walking sims" or "No puzzle platformers", which would prolly eliminate half of the available games anyways.

The WHY

I want to become a better developer and playing experimental/small/art/trash games could help.

Getting an audience is hard and getting constructive feedback is even harder.  I can't help the devs covered in these posts with the former but maybe I can with the latter.

The HOW

There is no rating system.

There is no alter ego here, these are not 'angry' reviews.

These aren't even really reviews.

The goal is to focus on the design choices that were made and discuss the reasoning behind them.

I don't really care about being right, I don't really care about sounding smart ("Yeah, no shit" the reader grumbles), I don't really care about agreeing with you.  I'm more interested in looking at the hierarchy of ideas (to borrow a phrase) that form game design.  By working at the ends and working in the middle we can find out more about it, right?

Enough with the formalities, let's get started.

Profile: Bedstuck (@bedstuck)

Game: White

Genre/Style: action, wave-based brawler, melee combat

I've been seeking out lots of action games lately and 'White' has a lot of the things I'm looking for in this genre.  You play through waves of enemies, with a black-and-white art style and fast-paced melee combat.

The visuals are immediately appealing, with great character design choices and fluid animations.  The art style manages to be simple but expressive (it was made for a jam in less than 17 hrs).  Looks like a cool ink based style, like a comic book.  One of my all time favorite movie fight scenes is from 'Book of Eli'.  The opening fight scene is under a bridge and shown only in silhouette, much like the style here.

Spoilers for 'Book of Eli' real quick, so skip to the next paragraph if you haven't seen it:  I saw that movie opening night and took a lady friend to it.  It was our first date together (sadly it was also the last) and she had wanted to see 'the Lovely Bones', that godawful looking Peter Jackson snoozefest, but I'm occasionally charming and persuasive so we saw 'Book of Eli' instead.  After the movie we're walking out to the car and I ask her: "Pretty crazy how his character was blind for the whole movie, huh?" and she goes "What do you mean?"  In her defense, she thought it was weird and boring, but it's still made explicitly clear at the end that the main character is blind, yet she somehow missed that.  None of this pertains to the game 'White', but that's what happens, man.

The combat is intuitive but challenging.  It is melee-based, so you have to get good at timing your jumps and slashing in the correct direction to get the airborne enemies.  There's a dash ability that is crucial for getting to wave spawners and taking them out quickly.  Using the jump and dash abilities in concert has so much potential, both offensively and defensively.

The enemy behavior is nicely varied between melee and ranged types.  There's some square enemies that shoot smaller squares.  At first I thought they might be targeting the player, but after watching them for awhile my guess is that they are based on some randomized pattern.  If they all targeted the player with each shot then even a small amount on screen would be deadly.  Not sure I'm right about this, but my first instinct would have been to target the player; based on what I'm seeing here, the random pattern is a better choice.

I was able to beat the easiest difficulty setting (health regens), but only got to wave five on normal (no health regen) and wave four on original (one hit kills you).  Of course balancing difficulty is a notoriously hard task and, while I hate a challenge in real life, a challenge in a video game is actually appealing.  The tiers of difficulty make sense here and ramp up nicely.  But don't get me started on the "tears" of difficulty, we've all been there.

===

Profile: Hempuli (@ESAdevlog, hempuli.com)

Game: Baba Is You

Genre/Style: Puzzle

If you grew up reading Roger Ebert movie reviews (you know, the ones that were scrawled across the cave walls), you're prolly familiar with the kind of review where he refused to talk about any plot points after the first act, so as not to spoil the joy of seeing it unfold for yourself.  He would go on about the atmosphere, the performances, latent/manifest content and other such things, but would not spoil the mechanics of it.  I'll have to use that format for 'Baba Is You', because you're better off finding out for yourself.

Each level has a set of obstacles and hazards that block the goal.  There are three-word phrases placed in the level as well, and the phrases can be rearranged to create new types of interaction.  For example, "wall is stop" could be changed to several things.  That's all I'll say, because the solutions and the mechanics of it all are so much fun that any more would spoil it.

If you enjoyed something like 'Stephen's Sausage Roll' or if you're a fan of NES/pre-NES visual styles then you should find something to like here.  Just a great concept, superb puzzle design, fun aesthetics, wonderful "eureka!" moments, a must play for puzzle fans.  Hmmm, can I do some more 'pull quotes' or is that enough?  It's a white-knuckle thriller, like nothing you've ever seen, if you play one puzzle game this year make it this one, a non-stop thrill ride, edge of your seat entertainment, breathtaking, gripping, an ending you won't see coming, Harrison Ford has never been better.

I guess you could describe this writing style as "talking to yourself", since this is clearly not written for an actual audience.  But it's important to differentiate between "talking WITH yourself" and "talking TO yourself".  There's a pretty big difference.  Who else am I supposed to talk to?  I'm the only one here, right?  Maybe this writing style is better known as "non-sequitur internet bullshit".  Hey, if Mark Prindle is retired, who else will keep the spirit alive other than yours truly?  Who else?  Maybe this giant peach over here, this giant peach that is wearing a top hat and a monocle, perhaps he can.

But yeah, please do check out 'Baba Is You'.  It communicates its ideas clearly, introduces new elements in a fair manner and controls easily (thank you for the 'undo' button).  I'm usually pretty harsh on puzzle games, put this is great work.

===

Profile: Managore (@Managore, daniellinssen.net)

Game: Walkie Talkie

Genre/Style: side-scroller, level-builder, chat room

Every once and awhile you find something that really comes "off the top rope", so to speak, and conceptually 'Walkie Talkie' does just that.  It is side-scrolling level-building platformer presented as a chat room.  The levels are messages that users type in and most keyboard characters have preset behaviors.

So using the right set of symbols a user can create a solid platformer level, with ramps, moving platforms, turrets, bouncing boulders, disappearing platforms and other hazards.

The game's creator has gone through and marked some levels with a heart, and those are worth checking out for sure. But it's also fun to scroll through and look for random goodness, and some users are good at pointing out fun levels.

I'd recommended plugging in your X360 controller, since keyboard input was a bit tricky.  Even with a controller the movement gets a bit wonky, but two things: this was made for a jam and I'm unbelievably picky about platformer controls, so perhaps I'm overstating this.  And even if I'm not, this game is still worth playing for its conceptually audacity alone.

I was a day one fan of 'Mario Maker' and still enjoy it to this day.  But some of those levels are prone to cutesy bullshit, especially levels using names that scream "Hey, play this because its Pokemon themed!" and pointless levels based on Rube Goldberg-meets-auto-runner non-gameplay.  While 'Walkie Talkie' has plenty of useless entries, that's the result of having user generated content and not the result of authorial missteps.

And like David Mamet once said: "Everyone makes their own fun.  If you don't make it yourself, it isn't fun.  It's entertainment."  Of course, David Mamet has said a lot of things, many of which suck.  'Walkie Talkie' doesn't suck tho, far from it.  Unless you mean it sucks in all the praise, which is true, just really poorly worded.  

===

[ghoultyrant]

Madoka: Rebellion

So I finally watched Madoka: Rebellion because some people insisted I would actually like it and have my concerns about its awfulness addressed if I watched it.

These people were badly mistaken.

Massive spoilers, of course.

As with my FoZ notes, [bracketed text] is notes I added in after the original writing, taking into account information from later in the movie.

---------------------

So wait, in Fixed-Verse, anyone can Witch out? (Yes I know they're called 'Nightmares' now. You know what I see? SUPER WITCHES) WHAT THE FUCK MADOKA. [We’re not actually seeing fixed-verse, so it’s not as dumb as I thought]

It took more than fifteen minutes for the plot to start going anywhere.

What is Kyoko doing in the same school in the same year as Madoka and Sayaka? She's more Mami's peer, so even if she was going to the same school she should be in a year above. THIS IS NOT HOW CAUSALITY FUCKERY WORKS. [”But Ghoul Tyrant!” I hear you say. “It’s supposed to be wrong like that because It’s All Just A Dream!” Sure. Fine. And Kyoko is still in their school in their year at the end of the movie because?...]

Oh: and of course we have 'fanservice'. Kill me. [It’s far, far more common than these notes might lead you to believe, as I was not going to note down every goddamn individual instance]

… why are the transformations in the Witch art style? (With a million panty shots fuck everything forever) I note we get a split-second Witch-word cut during Sayaka's one. Then Homura's did a Witch-word cut with, like, silent film surroundingness. Twice. [Taking into account later events, this is actually somewhat competent foreshadowing]

… they call themselves the 'holy quintet'? Really?

THE WITCH IS EL KABONG I INSTANTLY FORGIVE... some... of the horribleness.

Why are we doing the Cake Song. [Knowing what’s actually going on doesn’t make this any more sensical] Why are we 25 minutes in and I still have no clue what's going on?

It took thirty minutes for Kyoko to actually eat and talk at the same time. Kill her now, Homura, she's clearly a pod person!

“I came, I saw, Mitakihara”. Cute.

FINALLY, not quite 40 minutes in we get Homura going “I remember the past, no one else does”. No, sorry, the scenery porn wasn't interesting enough to hold me for the first third of the movie.

I keep wondering if the extreme closeups on Homura are supposed to look like Witch art style as a hint or if it's a coincidence they failed to notice. [At this point I’m pretty sure it’s an ill-thought-out coincidence, as they also do it with Madoka’s eyes at times]

Goddammit, no, punching a button in timestop shouldn't un-timestop the windows. And what kind of lunatic would design windows so high up to open like that at the push of a button anyway? [Answer: Homura, apparently]

The thing that's crazy-making about Fake Mitakihara City is that the real thing is such an insane collage of nonsensical and/or improbable architecture that what parts are “crazy because Labyrinth” and what parts are “crazy because Mitakihara City” is difficult to parse. So when weirdness is supposed to be a hint... er... how am I supposed to tell?

Okay, so I thought Mami and Homura's mega fight sequence was pretty dumb when I happened to watch it in isolation on Youtube, but now I know how it starts, and it goes from “dumb” to 'Dumb with a side helping of the Idiot Version of Just As Keikaku.” [Why did Mami have an invisible ribbon on Homura when she timestopped? What made her that paranoid about Homura? Oh, you wanted your story to make basic sense? You poor fool, you’re watching Rebellion. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here, because there’s no fucking quality or sense here. Ever]

Wait, why did I just hear a Pokeball release sound? [Charlotte made it]

Let me expand on this fight sequence being dumb: I thought it was... like, occurring in a post-apocalyptic town or something, when I watched it on Youtube. Okay, sure, now I know Homura thinks everything is fake so WHOO COLLATERAL DAMAGE GO! So... why's Mami recklessly tearing apart everything, beyond “it looks cool shut the fuck up and enjoy our five billion yen lightshow”? Also, why did Homura re-initiate timestop, given it does nothing to help her in this (utterly retarded) fight? And frankly the choreography is awful, as you spend the first half with no way to get a coherent idea of what's actually happening beyond that they're Shooting At Each Other A Lot. The second half is easier to follow, but makes even less sense as a fight scene, with the bit where they keep trying and failing to shoot each other in the head from point-blank being probably the best example of how Cool But Nonsensical Shit is happening because fuck you enjoy the spectacle!

It was neat to break up the monotony the first... five or so times we were viewing people through reflections or whatever. At this point I'm starting to think whoever headed the art of this movie had an actual psychological problem, though.

I would like for events to at some point progress because the characters make some kind of sense and are working toward actual goals, rather than spouting cryptic nonsense or fighting or whatever because lol. Kyoko and Homura trying to leave the city and it failing is so far the only time anybody has done anything that really made sense.

Dog drug reinforcement? The fuck, crazyland DDR?

Okay, I'll admit, the bus slamming into the ground out of the sky got a laugh out of me. Good on you Rebellion. I legitimately liked... a 0.5 second sequence. I'm over an hour in. Congrats.

No, I'm sorry. This “Isolation Field” bullshit doesn't explain jack. It's a copout. “We're supersciencers, ergo we can make a field that blocks out what amounts to a god and/or law of physics.” No. A million trillion times no. This isn't even a lampshade, as the movie clearly intends for me to take this nonsense seriously.

Oh, and it's one-way! Except when it isn't! Hold up, stop, even if I accept this utter and total bullshit, it fails under the weight of its own bad writing anyway. Who would Homura invite in first? Madoka, you utterly godawful writer. Who is 'the Law of Cycles'? Fucking Madoka. Fail. Terrible. Nonsense. I don't have words for how much I hate this crap.

No, saying “well, you see, Madoka could only come in as a victim and not as the semi-omnipotent Law of Cycles” via Kyubey is not an explanation. Kyubey doesn't know shit. He knows he doesn't know shit, or else he wouldn't be doing the fucking experiment! So having him make random baseless assertions the audience is supposed to accept without question doesn't fucking work because we know he doesn't know that for a fact. In the anime, we could accept that he was an authority figure/expert because he was talking about shit that had been occurring for thousands of years, and it only really broke down once Madoka made her wish and Kyubey was suddenly just the writer talking directly to Homura/the audience, at which point I could basically pretend he's just the most convenient voice actor to play the role or some such vaguely reasonable crap.

Here though, we have several essential plotpoints simultaneously hinging on “I am ignorant! SCIENCE TIME!” that are then being explained by him with “I know everything. Trust me.”

No. This is like the definition of bad writing, and nothing prior to this point has gotten me invested enough in the story to overlook what a colossal fail this is on every level.

One hour and fifteen minutes in, with 40 minutes left to go. The remaining 40 minutes better be the best shit I have ever seen. [Spoiler: Not even slightly]

THIS IS NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS ON ANY LEVEL. “We don't know this thing exists. It has clearly observable effects, which we know for sure are happening, albeit we don't know its actual mechanism” is what Kyubey should be saying. Not “Oh man this 'law of cycles' thing is a mere hypothesis with no evidence!” I hate this movie.

Kyubey: “Gosh darn all you illogical people.” ← the most illogical being in the universe in this movie.

Now, I'd like to like that we're watching a Witch attacking someone with the Witch as the protagonist, except so far it's been lame and primarily been an excuse to draw Weird Symbolic Shit. There's bits that I like... but only bits. And what the hell is with Kyubey just reappearing somewhere nearby each time he 'dies'?

Okay, I like Kyubey being freaked out by Sayaktavia. Congrats, two times I've actually liked a tiny fraction of the movie.

Sidenote: imagine that every third line or so I instead said SUICIDE METAPHOR INTENSIFIES. Yes, really. [The original anime was kind of bad about its suicide metaphor subtext not being very sub. The movie is far, far more blatant]

GAME OVER. RETURN OF GANON RISE OF HOMURA

So why exactly is the movie condemning Homura rewriting reality to... do... something... vs praising Madoka for rewriting reality to do away with Witches? What has Homura even done that is so contemptible? Why am I supposed to agree with this awful narrative? Oh no, her wish was ‘selfish’ vs Madoka heroically sacrificing herself for the benefit of everyone. And? Has anyone actually had their life made worse? What has she even done, beyond bring Madoka back into humanity and rewrite history to flip some things around? I mean, she even says she intends to destroy all the Wraiths! She’s doing something noble, for sure, so, again: why am I supposed to conflate her with Satan?

And why am I supposed to care, given nothing at any point made even dreamlogic sense?

Also, Kyoko is still in their goddamn class in the 'real world'.

This movie is dumb. This movie is just “look, a bunch of artists were given billions of yen to draw whatever they wanted, and then I guess some writer tried to pretend it made sense?” If you want to watch visually interesting stuff and never, ever have it make any kind of sense -okay, occasionally make some symbolic sense- then okay cool this is a decent movie.

Otherwise?

What the fuck this movie is awful.

Okay: the stinger ending having Homura dancing to Kyubey's corpse? Made me laugh. Seeing Kyubey horrified? Also made me laugh. CONGRATS FOUR WHOLE MOMENTS I KIND OF ENJOYED IN THIS HOUR AND FIFTY-EIGHT MINUTES.

THAT'S LIKE MORE THAN A MOMENT OF NOT-AWFUL EVERY THIRTY MINUTES.

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Having slept on it, I've realized I have still more criticisms.

Audio: Back in the anime, I wasn't necessarily a fan of how any given episode used the music available to it, but the music was fantastic on average. I actually had one of the credits/Witch battle tunes as my background music for reading for a while there, that's how good they were on their own. Rebellion continues the trend of putting its music to questionable use, only now the music itself is fairly forgettable and boring. The best stuff tends to be riffing on established 'Madoka music', and even then it's merely okay, not actually engaging in its own right.

I touched upon this indirectly when covering the Mami/Homura fight, but the choreography is weaker in general. The anime had its weak moments, but it also had some great moments, like how it handled Homura's “teleportation”. Rebellion is just... weak, other than it's occasional questionable 'gotcha' moments.

After the Mami/Homura fight, Sayaka swoops in to save Homura and jabber at her a bunch. This is not any kind of natural flow of events, it just sort of happens without an actual explanation. I didn't like the scene when I was watching the movie, but I was sort of half-expecting it to make sense somewhere down the line, particularly with Sayaka indicating she's more in the know than she 'should' be, but no, it just... is a thing that happens, because.

Similarly, why is Charlotte Bebe the only Witch to act as Goddoka's right-hand woman aside from the bizarre case of Sayaka apparently being able to... tap her Witch powers?... even though Madoka's wish prevented Witches from occurring in the first place? What is any of this crap?

Why was Homura able to entrap a 'piece' of Goddoka at all?

If the Incubator's retarded Isolation Field blocked out all outside forces, why does gravity apply? Why does light apply? Why does, you know, myriad physics apply? Oh right I'm applying critical thinking to a retarded plot device. How foolish of me to expect the story to make even the slightest bit of sense. I might then be able to derive some enjoyment from the movie, and that would clearly be a mission fail.

I just. I have no idea why there are people who watched this movie and went “This is a good movie and I enjoyed it” instead of “This is a terrible movie on pretty much every level and I will make sure everyone everywhere forever knows it isn't worth watching even if you're a fan of Madoka.”

I have difficulty imagining it even if I turned my brain off and just took in the wacky art. I have difficulty imagining anyone, anywhere, deriving any enjoyment from it at all in any manner ever.

But people have, somehow.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa