#and gotten some gd therapy

[littlerosetrove]

I think the show is going to start doing better by Eddie in upcoming episodes, and I desperately hope I’m right. Some critical thoughts incoming because I just want better for Eddie.

My focus of this post is about Eddie being in a romantic relationship, although there are absolutely so many potential storylines to delve deeper into with Eddie. Trust me, I know. 

I do get why Eddie was with Ana, I do. That man was still repressing so much trauma for starters, and (even now) Eddie was also feeling pressured by society and his upbringing to “give Chris another mom.” It was something Eddie felt like he should do. And hooboy does Eddie still need to work on issues surrounding things he often feels like he “should” do. We all know that Eddie stuck it out with Ana far longer than he should have (Ana is guilty of this two, cause it takes two to tango). An apt description for Eddie is that he’s “the architect of his own misery.” ← Idk who originally said this phrase, but I got it from @yramesoruniverse, and it’s true. 

Speaking of misery. No matter how the show tried to paint it as something cute and good, there is nothing actually good about Marisol and Eddie. Let me explain and bear with me. 

Let’s be real. The show during 6B treated Eddie’s loneliness and his subsequent desire to date as a joke. Maybe not 100%, but even 1% is too much. That montage of Eddie going hiking, playing golf (??), and hanging out at a fucking country club (?????) to find a date? That was played for laughs. 

Now at one point, Eddie had a genuinely great heart to heart with Bobby. I can’t recall their conversation exactly right now since I haven’t rewatched season 6 since it aired, but I know Bobby basically said Eddie should find someone who will sit with him during the hard times (please correct me if I’m wrong).  

But then the show tried to frame Eddie running into Marisol - someone he met on a call - as this spark, this magical moment. Let’s remember that in season 6 Eddie was wistfully reminiscing on his and Shannon’s beginning and called it magic. And so again, the show tried to say, “Hey look! Eddie bumping into Marisol (no last name) is meant to be. This is magic!” Then we jump into season 7 where we’ve gotten no development on Marisol still, and zero development on their relationship, unless you want to call Eddie admitting to using Marisol as a babysitter as some development. Hell, we don’t even know how Chris feels about her. With all of this in mind, to me this just looks like Eddie had grabbed onto the first person he could so he wouldn’t be lonely. If the show wanted us to care an iota about Marisol or their relationship in any capacity, they would have. But they haven’t. And that’s just heartbreaking for Eddie. All they’ve given Eddie is a surface level, nothing of a relationship. 

It’s clear Eddie and Marisol are going to break up in 7x7 at the latest, and… for what? 7x5 will definitely have to do some backfilling on where and why their relationship isn’t going to work (it doesn't appear Marisol will be in 7x6). Even still, what was the point of it all?? Before anyone says it, yes Eddie is allowed to date, even casually, but GD there’s been nothing to grasp onto, you know? No reason to feel even remotely excited or happy that Eddie’s dating, specifically not with Marisol (and the actress is a shitty person) who ffs doesn’t even have a last name. Just having two attractive people in the same room does nothing for me, sorry. 

To try and conclude this, this *gestures at everything I just said* is why I want better for Eddie and Ryan. I really really hope we’re going to get something of substance for Eddie as a character. Yes it’s been great to see Eddie so much happier in season 7 (thanks to therapy, though he needs more, and Buck and Tommy lbr), but, and to stick with the relationship aspect of it all, I want better for Eddie. Idk if Eddie will have or needs someone like Tommy for himself, or if Eddie is just going to work on himself before the next relationship he’s in will be Buck. We’ll have to wait and see, but yeah…. Eddie just. deserves better. 

(this post was inspired by a recent conversation I had with @elvensorceress)

[evilautist]

got me a medical encyclopedia from 1972 (reprinted 1978, ISBN 0 14 051 048 6) and its wild

its nowhere near as bad as some other books ive gotten my hands on, especially considering it was written in the 70s as opposed to straight up vile shit like 'idols in the house' (written/published in 2002, ISBN 0-9634307-1-8) ive no conclusion to draw from this post aside from the obvious, i just thought the diction and choices of subject were kind of fascinating

cw for ableism, eating disorders, homophobia, racism, intersexism and sexism, but heres a few notes and quotes from it

'creative men are seldom ideal husbands' (this is in reference to the idea that artists are often promiscuous and/or gay, how they made this connection, i've no clue)

'it would be absurd to call everyone who has such feelings, even if they lead to homosexual acts, a homosexual'

'tics most often affect insecure children'

the book refers to triple x syndrome as 'super-female's (in general the book is very out dated with its terms, still calling intersex people hermaphrodites and the likes)

'it has become easier for a young woman that she is designed for childbearing' (this is on a section about anorexia of all things)

'quarantine is now seldom rigidly enforced' (gd i wish it was more rigidly enforced maybe then covid would be over)

in general the book treats depression, schizophrenia, and autism very alike, especially the latter two- the language used is very dehumanizing and are both defined in the book as a lack of response/emotions

'electroconvulsive therapy is sometimes used. it is not as dramatically helpful with schizophrenia as with severe depression'

lobotomies are referred to as 'leukotomy' and the section on it has this to say; 'people who have had it have altered personalities: they tend to be irresponsible. but most of us would rather be carefree than suicidal' some of the casual remarks on what we now acknowledge as horrific procedures is chilling

vitiligo is described as 'unsightly, especially on a naturally dark skin', which is... a choice. and a bad one.

theres a thing here called 'malta fever' and i just find that funny

in general the book is suffers from its fully alphabetical format, dividing the book into sections would have been much better because going from contraception to corn is quite the whiplash

the book makes casual use of words like 'civilized countries' and 'western medicine', which isnt surprising but is still annoying

on a section of chinese medicine there is the line 'they saw the importance of cleanliness (which is by no means obvious)' like speak for yourself stinky

[fookinstevienicks]

i think a lot of y’all forgot (or never acknowledged) that this was buck’s subconscious, not an actual alternate universe

like, were some of the choices ick? he fixed bobby? his absence means eddie lost his son? yeah, that’s self-centered as hell

idk if y’all have noticed tho, but one of the running themes of evan buckley’s character is that sometimes he thinks the world revolves around him and he’s a catastrophizer. if bad shit happens it’ll be the worst shit and it’s his fault. coma hen even acknowledged it so he knows it! *that’s what that was about*

like, *obviously* in the real world that’s not what would have happened. bobby would have either relapsed and lost his job or relapsed and gotten better and kept his job. dead bobby is a streeeetch. eddie would have just quit being a firefighter if he had to, or figured out another childcare solution. that was about a fear that eddie had that was communicated to buck bc they’re friends. coma buck is catastrophizing like crazy

and describing eddie as angry? yeah, there’s issues there, but most of those issues are being projected because of how fandom and fanfic tends to treat his character. let’s not pretend that eddie did not canonically join a gd fight club after losing someone he loved, literally nearly killed a dude, and ended up in therapy about it, okay? an eddie in a 118 that isn’t such a nosy ass family isn’t going to open up to them the way it’s taken real world eddie *five fucking years* to do, so to outsiders he’s just going to be That Angry Guy

did i want more eddie in the episode? well that man is my number 3 main behind Hen Wilson and Athena Grant so obviously. do i think there should have been more eddie in the episode? yes, actually. i think this would have benefited from being a two parter tbh. they should have cut down a lot of the unearned redemption of the gd birth parents (both buckley and han editions) since they were never going to have them apologize or hold themselves accountable. but also *we all knew this show was always going to treat them that way*

and none of this, btw, required post-mortem interviews and intensive analysis. i almost never read post-mortems and haven’t read any for this episode. it’s just... consistent with his character so far and therefore didn’t even ping my radar.

christ, as much as i hate to admit it even the treatment of his parents is consistent with his character, i just don’t like it and wish he’d learn he deserves better. like, yes, this show does a lot of stupid, inconsistent shit. i just don’t think there was as much of that in this episode as y’all are claiming

[bayale]

HELP A TRANS DISABLED GUY MOVE OUT OF AN ABUSIVE HOME

I didn’t want to use tumblr’s buzzwords as a way to get my post attention, but at this point I’m desperate and running out of time.

Ask any of my friends, but my name is Nate, and I’m currently stuck in an abusive household and being threatened to get kicked onto the streets, despite working as much as I’m able to through my disabilities.

I haven’t even been able to afford therapy, and I’m currently in the process of applying for disability.

If anyone could find it in their hearts to try and donate to my paypal which unfortunately has my deadname attached to it, even a few dollars per person would be so gd helpful in helping me save up for a studio apartment to get the hell out of here. I don’t have anywhere else to go, and where I live is NOT safe for me to be in anymore.

I hate asking for help, and I’ve even gotten a hate anon claiming I need to just ‘work’ instead of begging people for money, but at this point I don’t have a choice.

My paypal is kaylasurber@aol.com

PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CHOOSE ‘sending to a friend’ or whichever, so that it sends correctly!

If you can’t donate, please please PLEASE reblog this so that it can be signal boosted to get me some help.

[i-ran-away-without-a-map]

@jenlog I ain't having an argument in the notes cause it's a pain in the ass. I don't know why you didn't just tag me in a normal reblog or post if you wanted to discuss things.

Anyway, this is the link to the article you provided: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/2749479

I took the time to read that and I can only say one thing: read the damn comments on that, from fellow academics. They back up what I was also gonna say: it's a very flawed analysis. It has the strength of numbers of participants, but it lacks proper data analysis, it fails entirely to account for already existing mental health issues in the participants, and it is extremely vague with the details of what exactly the patients reported (aka the so called "gender identity conversion therapy" could very well be anything, from an actual form of gay conversion therapy to their therapist advising them against taking hormones, and neither of those options suggest the actual practice of such a thing as "gender identity conversion therapy"). Also, the people who participated in writing this study already assume that "gender identity" is an actual thing, which is a whole other debate that they fail to even take into account, not even as a statement like "for the purposes of this study, we are working off the assumption that gender identity is a real psychological trait" or something along those lines; that in itself is extremely dishonest, and doesn't help the credibility of this source much.

Here is comment one in its entirety, for reference:

"September 27, 2019

Not all therapy is conversion therapy

Julia Mason, M.S. M.D. | Calcagno Pediatrics

As a pediatrician, I am very concerned with the probability that we are prematurely and permanently medicalizing many young patients who suffer from transient gender dysphoria (GD). 

Multiple studies confirm that only a small minority (15%) of childhood-onset GD persist; GD persistence may be even lower in the novel segment of adolescent-onset GD--a poorly understood group of primarily female patients, which has become the predominant presentation in the last 10 years. 

Many of these patients’ distress has resolved with the help of ethical forms of non-affirmative therapy, which allowed them to ascertain the reasons underlying their GD. Conversely, a great many have been harmed by quick affirmation, which often led to hormonal and surgical interventions they later regretted. (https://www.piqueresproject.com; https://www.reddit.com/r/detrans/)

Turban et al allowed a number of study limitations-- including convenience sampling and failure to control for mental illness, a key predictor of suicidality--which should make any savvy reader wary of accepting the study conclusions about the harms of therapy aimed at alleviating GD. 

In addition, the authors failed to mention a key methodological flaw. The researchers limited their survey to a sample of persons identifying as transgender (a term that lacks clinical specificity), rather than including all persons who have suffered from gender dysphoria (a DSM 5 diagnosis). As a result, the study is not generalizable to the larger population of persons with gender dysphoria (GD). The number of persons who at one point suffered from GD but no longer do far outnumbers those who have persistent and consistent GD and thus identify as transgender. 

Without access to ethical exploratory psychotherapy (which the authors appear to incorrectly conflate with unethical conversion therapy), patients suffering from GD have only one option: permanent treatment with hormones and surgical interventions. Given the many known, and as yet-to-be discovered risks of puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones, the irreversibility of sex change surgeries, and the increasing numbers of young people expressing regret about choices made during what turned out to be a transient phase of their identity formation, it’s critical to ensure free access to all ethical forms of therapy.

CONFLICT OF INTEREST: None Reported"

I found this one to be very well worded, but the other two are equally informative and all three can be found by scrolling to the bottom of the link you've provided, and pressing the read more options.

To put it bluntly, this is a shaky study at best. Academic studies all follow certain guidelines, and while there are of course differences between types of studies and the subject the study is made for, I'm familiar with reading psychology type studies since I'm a psych student myself, and immediately I can point out that this would not have gotten very good grades. It states its point repeatedly, often without any clear link between its reaffirmed hypothesis and the actual data gathered. Here's a thing about studies: they're real hard to make for several reasons, but one of them is that data gathering is hard, and data interpretation is harder. You also don't always wind up being right in your hypothesis: sometimes you're right, sometimes the results are inconclusive, and sometimes your hypothesis was wrong. You need to write that down, that's the conclusion part, and it's absolutely mandatory. You're not supposed to twist data to fit your hypothesis, or to purposefully keep your data analysis vague. This article has overall poorly analysed and interpreted data, quite an aggressive writing style (it drives its conclusion on repetitive statements more often than not), and the three comments (which by the way! function as peer reviews, since they are written by fellow academics) do a very good job of explaining its weak points further, so I suggest anyone who has some time to kill, give both the article and the comments a read, since it was actually pretty interesting, especially if you're currently a psych, med or sociology student, since it gives a very good practice on both how to spot the weak points in an article, and it can also be an exercise of what questions you should ask yourself as you read an article.

Overall, thanks for the evening read my dude, but if you're genuine about your interest in such studies, I suggest you check out those comments (the reason why articles are peer reviewed is so that dishonesty, purposeful or accidental flawed data interpretation, or personal biases can be spotted), and try to learn how to spot poorly made articles, since those aren't gonna be very helpful for any actual research.

[ygsneglectedchild]

YG Treasure Box  - Episode 1 rant

If you bothered to backread my blog and just by looking at my URL, you would know that I have a Love-Hate relationship with YG Entertainment and by extension, the ghoul on the 7th floor that is Yang Hyun Suk.

 That means that I have no problems pointing out the shitshow that’s YG post-2ne1 and while we’re in the middle of Big Bang’s enlistment period. However, I do have a problem with Kpop fans who DO NOT have a clue about the history of YG Music, Artists, or Company, who just like to shit on YG Entertainment for the sake of bigging up their favs. If you’re looking for a blog like that, this ain’t it sis. 

That being said, here’s a detailed account of YG TREASURE BOX Episode 1 in my eyes.

EPISODE 1: Introduction to the MNET Evil Editor that YG Hired

First of all, a petition for YG to stop using GD songs for his survival. I know they slap but using them for shows is like a punch in the gut. 

Exhibit A aka The only exhibit you need:

The episode started with a nice tour of what will soon be YG’s old HQ or The House that Big Bang built with the trainees’ hopes and dreams as the voiceover in the background but mostly Choi Hyunsuk because he’s talkative AF and he’s a true YG stan. 

There’s a clip of YG employees entering YG building and my initial thought is Who among these bitches come to work to tell Hayi, CL, Dara or Suhyun that “Nope.. we don’t have plans for you at this moment.”

Then we move on to the casting meeting.. and let me tell you this. That snake Yang HyunSuk (gonna call him hereafter as YHS) already has his own picks, but he had to throw in a platoon of trainees to keep the show interesting because why? He feeds off our tears and fear, that’s why.

All meetings that were featured on this show could have been an email tbh (and we wonder why our favs take a whole year to debut.. YG’s too busy doing meetings) same as the one that Jennie was in.

Bang Yedam drew first blood as the first guy they introduced. He should have been a fixed member from the start, and should not have been part of the voting. His skill level is in the extremes compared to the new guys that were scouted to be eliminated AKA Team B. More on that later... but anyway, the coaches at YG did a really good job with Yedam in making sure that what he lost in range due to puberty, he gained ten folds in technique and style.

Here’s a math problem for ya: The show humble-bragged about how much they spent per trainee on Team A. It’s USD 100,000 per year. How much did they spend on Byounggon & Seunghun? 

Next trainee to get his intro is Kim Junkyu. Like most YG elitist, I didn’t bother to watch Mixnine in full so I had no idea that he was made a sacrificial lamb on Mixnine. The sequence of him being so helpless, just going through the motion of training even if he clearly is at wit's end, is heartbreaking and very stressful. Then his therapy session was shown and it broke my heart. It honestly made me wonder if they had a therapist in Kim Jinwoo’s trainee days... because I see in Junkyu what I saw in Jinwoo during WIN, and look at Jinu now. Speaking of Jinwoo, YG said he’s looking at visuals on this show but sir... sir... when you have visual powerhouses such as T.O.P, Kim Jinwoo, Eun Jiwon (tbh.. you can all fight me..), the twins Yunhyeong and Chanu, the Kwon twins and more... you need to get your eyes checked. 

Team B was introduced next and damn, they were so raw Gordon Ramsey had a heart attack. 

Team B is the sacrificial lamb of this show/ They have visuals, rap and some vocals here and there but they were RAAAAW.. except for Jihoon, he’s like the war veteran that was recruited to train the privates.. that didn’t sound right. 

I didn’t realize that it was Jihoon who was on the YG vs. JYP episode of Stray Kids. He was a cutie then.. he’s still a cutie now.

Ooooh, YG has a Taiwanese trainee and I was happy for this guy because he was just so happy to be there. 

They showed how street casting is done.. if anyone approaches me with like that, I will scream. They also showed two trainees being let go to give way to Ha Yoonbin and Park Jihoon. I do not believe that it was a coincidence that they just added that two.. they had to make room. Showbiz, am I right? The old Team B’s looked scared when Yoonbin and Jihoon came but in all honesty, they are the two of the five who have greatly benefited from this show: 

Park Jihoon - The comeback kid

Ha Yoonbin - The new kid on the block

Haruto - The VIP heir.. from Watanameh to Watanabae

Choi Hyun Suk - The one who got shitted on the most after Sunghun. 

Kim Junkyu - Extreme makeover YG edition (in hair and in confidence)

Runner-up: Jeongwoo - He would have gotten in anyway because he sang really well and YG clearly likes him as he’s the reincarnation of the Still Alive Daesung (see what I did there) Again.. more on my lists later

Let’s move on to Treasure C aka YG’s next Team A aka YG version of NCT Dream tbh. They are damn talented and should not have been added as a whole team. YG should have just added the standouts. Kim Jong Seob of Kpop Star should have sat this one out as his voice is still in its cracking phase and let him stew and in his cocoon til he becomes a beautiful butterfly.

Team C is just so pure but when they perform, lawd.. I am just in awe. They are so talented.

The episode ended with YG shitting on all of his Korean trainees to introduce Team J on the next episode. Betch.

 All in all, this episode should have been 10 minutes shorter if they cut out all the meetings, castings and honestly, trimmed down the list of trainees

If you have questions for me, send them through, if you have comments, violent reactions and opinions.. send them as well if you must.

[malicemismanager]

What do you think it would take to get the Avengers to go to therapy?

A miracle? XD

No, but seriously. That would be no easy task, I think, given the particular kind of issues they all have. Now, keep in mind I have not (and most likely will not) seen Endgame, and reject basically everything that happened in IW and Ragnacrap, so I’ll be interpreting from the characterizations and events before that. Bare with me, this is going to get long.

First off, you’d have to get them to admit they have a problem in the first place (or at least to do so aloud), which most of them might not for various reasons ranging from denial to not wanting to burden others. I think the closest we’ve gotten was Steve talking to Sam, Nat talking to Steve, and Tony talking to Bruce (which I am still very salty over how they turned that into a joke, but that’s… a whole other post it’s way too early for), and well, none of them are psychologists, so… Yeah.

If you manage to get them to admit they have a problem to anyone outside the inner circle; then you’d have to convince them to actually… talk to someone qualified about it. Tony is probably the closest one to getting there (if you ignore the shitty “joke” in IM3 anyway (I did say I was salty, didn’t I)); I think with a bit more time and some careful persuasion from the right people, he would do it.

Steve… ehhh… maybe Sam could talk him into it? Eventually? I dunno what, if any, internalised bias he may possibly have against therapy - I’d have to do research and I haven’t had my coffee - but I think his biggest obstacle is that, while a large part of what drives him is the need to help others, he has a very hard time letting others help him. Which is honestly pretty typical of people like him. But, yeah, if you can convince him to stop fucking moving for two gd seconds and get him to see that getting help would enable him to better help others; I think you might get him to do it.

Natasha… No. Nope. I honestly can’t see a scenario in which Nat willingly goes to therapy and is actually honest and open enough for it to be effective. Her trust issues have trust issues. Which is understandable, of course, given her background. That and, before the beginnings of it we saw in CA:TWS, she didn’t really see herself as enough (if any) of a person to really need help like people do. Nat has some… interesting views of herself, almost all of which were purposefully instilled in her in the Red Room, and getting past that is… hard. Getting past that enough to turn off the ‘someone’s trying to get in my head DANGER! DANGER!’ alarms and actually go to therapy? I don’t know. A lot would have to happen first.

Clint. Hmm. I really don’t think he’d be particularly comfortable the idea of someone ‘getting in his head’ again, even if you manage to make him see it’s not like That. Maybe Laura could convince him, I dunno. It would take a lot of work, tho. Clint is stubborn, and he has a very bad habit of keeping going when he definitely shouldn’t.

I think Bruce would probably dodge the question like a pro. There’s a lot in his past that would make anyone angry and, well, therapy ain’t always pleasant. He’d have a very understandable fear of hulking out in the middle of a session, which would be… bad. He also is quite used to having to fend for himself in a lot of ways, and I think it would be hard to get past that. Pressing the issue too much (read: bringing it up more than twice) would be counterproductive, too; I think it would feel too much like giving up a choice, and he has precious few of those in his life. There’s also the fact that Hulk would probably take that as an attack on him, and convincing him otherwise… Well, good luck with that. XD

For Thor, well, you’d have to explain to him the concept and purpose of therapy first of all; I sincerely doubt they have that on Asgard. Actually getting him to go? I think he might be the hardest one to convince. From what we’ve seen of Aesir culture, they are… really bad with mental health in general, let alone mental issues. And Thor, in particular; he needs to be the one who has it together, at least enough to fight. Thor takes his role as protector of the realms very seriously, and I think he’d take the mere suggestion that he might possibly need help as a personal attack on his capability to do that. Part of it would also be related to Loki. As far as Asgard is concerned, Loki went mad. Full stop. They don’t really look any deeper than that, and just write it off as weakness on his part, even the few who know more of what actually happened. And I think Thor would be a tad sensitive to the (perceived) insinuation that something could be wrong with his mind, too.

Wanda, you’d have to convince that therapy is both an available option, and one she’s allowed access to. If you can do that, I think she might be the most open to the idea. There’d be a bit of an issue with getting her to feel safe enough to trust a stranger, given what happened the last time she did that, but once that trust is established, I think she’d be okay with it. The actual sessions wouldn’t be any easier for it, of course, given the kind of issues she needs help with, but I think she would seriously try to make it work.

Sam, well, he’s been through this before. He knows it helps. He knows it ain’t easy, but he knows it’s necessary to be able to function after the shit he’s lived. In fact, I headcanon that, at least before going into hiding, he was already talking to a therapist pretty regularly.

For Rhodey, I… don’t really have a good enough feel for his character to have an opinion. Maybe convincible? I dunno. We don’t really see very much of him, do we? It’s unfortunate.

I’m… not really counting Vision here. Not because I don’t like him or anything, but who can really tell how the hel his mind works? Is there anyone even qualified to help him with anything he might need? I dunno, man. I dunno.

For not-technically-Avengers-but-I’m-including-them-anyway:

Scott, I think, would be okay with it. He’s a pretty chill guy, and it’d be setting a good example for Cassie in a way that is not ‘don’t make the same mistake I did’, which I think is very important to him.

Bucky’s… probably another hard Nope. I think he’s had enough people in his head to be pretty turned off to the idea of therapy. The only way I could see it working out would be with a lot of very careful effort after Shuri deals with the whole ‘HYDRA programming’ thing, and a very extensive background check for the potential psychologist. I still think it’s very unlikely, though.

I’m putting Peter here because technically he did turn Tony down. Keep in mind that I have not seen FFH either, so if anything there contradicts this; that’s why. It would be tough for him, I think. Not because he’d be very opposed to it - I think he and May could possibly have gone to some therapy after Ben died - but because it’d be hard for him to separate the troubles that come from his civilian life and what comes from being Spider-Man. If you can find a psychologist able to deal with an actual secret identity, you’d have more success, but I think it’d still be pretty hard for Peter to trust them. Given the reason Peter keeps his identity secret is to protect the people he loves, and the loss he’s already suffered in that department; I really don’t see him taking any risks without a damn good reason.

Loki… He’d be harder to convince than Thor, with the added bonus of possibly ‘agreeing’ to it only to deliberately sabotage it because he has horrible coping mechanism. The combination of Asgard’s culturally ingrained ableism, the way he’s been treated his entire life, his own self-loathing, and the frankly horrifying trauma he’s been through in recent years… Yeah, there’s not a lot of ways I can see it working out in any way that would actually be helpful. Like Nat, Clint, and Bucky; I think there would be quite an ordeal getting him to let his guard down enough to let someone into his head, especially considering the kind of assholes that have been in there lately. The best bet, I think, would be actually getting him to let you in first. Loki craves connection, recognition, affection - everything that has either been conditional or outright denied to him his whole life - even if he would never admit it. Getting him to agree to therapy would involve making him see and accept that he’s not completely alone, that it’s not him against the universe. That somebody actually gives a shit. Then it would be a matter of getting him to take it seriously, because again, Asgard sucks at mental health. If you can manage all of that, he’d probably agree a bit easier than Thor would, if only because part of his unfortunately messed up mind would very likely convince him that if he doesn’t, you’ll leave him like everyone else has. But, hey, therapy itself would probably sort that out eventually, right? … Right?

I’m… gonna stop now. I did say this was gonna get long, didn’t I? I have a lot of thoughts okay. Nobody asks me these things. >_>

[seven-oomen]

First, I swear I’ll explain about the picture in a minute.

Next, it’s totally okay, I understand completely.  I, too, am prone to being a total space cadet sometimes.  My top skills are remembering/thinking of things when I’m in no position to act on them (composing review questions while at work, thinking of phone call I forgot to make while driving, realizing I didn’t show my mom the sonogram my friend sent me right as I fall asleep, etc.)  Really, I’m just happy finding others to talk about this stuff with who seem to appreciate and enjoy it as much as I do. :D

Omg, I’m SO EXCITED to see the necklace turn up, however that happens!  And as someone who 90% of the time also uses drinkware featuring superheroes and other nerdery for their alcohol, I very much approve Derek’s choices, whether it makes it into the story or not.  I also enjoyed both versions of the chapter flashback, but the first was definitely more “Oh My…”, and the redo more straight up fluffy and adorable. 

And I love all that stuff in the ideas tag!  With Corey there’s so much potential stuff that can be done with someone with those types of powers.  I admit I don’t know too much about exactly how his are supposed to work. his powers are due to genetics and not outside forces in this, could it perhaps be connected to how Gerard has been able to do some of the things he’s done?   (Could the wolves track him while invisible in the show?)  And oh, my God, that is a total Moon Moon moment (resisting the urge to make a comment about why Ian was trying to fit a ball in his mouth).  I choose to believe that Noah and Chris coordinated to trick Peter into doing that and managing to get it on camera.  They threaten to make it part of the family Christmas card.  Peter only agrees if they make it so that all the pictures used embarrass everyone equally.  Which is where some of the BTS type stuff could come in.  (My lord, they are all such dorks.  I mean, I follow Ian, Linden, JR, and Hoechlin on Insta and or Twitter, so we been knew, really, but still. XD )  And I’m all for any plot points or incidents that allow Lydia to showcase just how awesome she truly is.  Also, I will never turn down an idea that involves puppy piles and cuddle puddles.  I’ve been in this fandom too damn long not to have developed a deep-seated love for damaged characters getting the affection and comfort they deserve.

I’m so glad you’re enjoying the examples of my often questionable musical tastes. ;D  I think I first heard that song on an anime music video (for LOVELESS I think, of all things), and I was just like “well this is catchy as hell”.  As someone whose musical tastes are all over the gd place, I like to imagine they all have some genre that they’re secretly a fan of but don’t want to admit to because it might clash with their grunge-y punk image (the other two totally know anyway.)  Speculatively I’d say boy bands for Peter, bubblegum pop/pop-punk for Chris, and classic (read: dad) rock for Noah, but I welcome other opinions. 

And jsyk, it really makes me happy to know that my reviews are helpful for more than just story ideas.  Which partially brings me to the picture I’ve attached.  I work in a pet supply store, and the item on the right is a dog toy we carry and every time I look at it, all I can think of is how much it reminds me of Deucalion.  Like, I can’t not see it at this point.  And nobody I work with would have the slightest idea what I’m talking about, so I finally made this so that I could share it those that might get why it’s so funny to me.  So here it is.  And if you are still in need of things for distractions, here is a list of some random incidents that have (mostly) occurred at my work in the last few days:

1) Someone left a 4 Iron in one of our shopping carts along the far wall of the store.  We have no clue where it came from, we aren’t anywhere near any kind of golf or sporting goods store.  (I checked and there was no sign of blood on it, so no one was ditching a weapon on us or something.)

2) I walked into our warehouse and asked “why does it smell like sparklers in here?”, saw a coworker standing looking out the back door, and walked over to see that there was a car on fire about a block away in another parking lot.  (The fire department was already on scene putting it out, it looked like it started near the front driver’s side tire?)

3) A child ate one of the fancy dog treats we have on display (luckily that one is mainly yoghurt and peppermint extract), and then try to drink from the fountain we have set up for any dogs that come in.  I don’t think mom ever noticed.

4) We now carry a special, highly filtered, and ph-balanced (and overpriced) bottled cat water (no really), that seems simultaneously like a brilliant idea (because UTIs), but also somehow one of the whitest things I’ve ever seen (and I say this as a white person who grew up basically middle-class).

5) One of the smoke alarms in my apartment started doing the dead battery warning beep at around midnight Sunday night.  I unfortunately was out of the size I needed to replace it, so I just popped out the one that was in it.  Turns out it’s also hardwired, so that did nothing.  It beeped the entire night.  I would have gotten worried about my neighbors, but they had one that they let beep for like a week back in Feb, so I decided I didn’t care.  When I stopped to buy a replacement I also ended up buying two bags of candy with the justification that they were on sale and I might need them for the next chapter.

6) Our pet bathing area re-opened, which meant we finally got a visit from one of my fave canine customers.  His name is Jax, he’s an American Akita, and he is a gigantic, sweet, bear of a dog.  Seriously, he comes to about my hip (I’m right around 5'4), weighs around 190lbs, and is a beautiful dark brown/black brindle all over.  He is also one of the most calm, chill dogs I have ever met (he’s been coming in for years), and I love to watch other people react to seeing him for the first time.

7) While searching around my music files and Spotify for suggestions, I got distracted and ended up treating my neighbors to an impromptu concert that consisted mostly of 00s divas and 60s bubblegum pop (oddly, a lot of Herman’s Hermits and Ohio Express has a very similar vibe to Bowling for Soup, to me at least), because I had headphones in, and didn’t realize I’d started singing along for…a while.  I did consider apologizing for that, at least, but ultimately decided to just ignore that it happened.

Anyway, I hope you are feeling a bit better now, and that some of the weirdness that is my life at least provides some entertainment.  And that the therapy session at least feels like something you think will help in the long run, even if it sucks massively right now.  I’m so proud of you for going, and sticking with it (I know so many who need to who don’t, for whatever reason).  It is hard, and exhausting, and I am always awed by those that are determined to see it through.  (Sorry if any of that comes across weird.  My automatic supportive defaults tend to be humor and awkward sincerity, and I always worry that one will come across as the other and vice versa.  Social anxiety is a hell of a drug.)  So, I’m gonna go ahead and wrap up the verbal flailing for now, please enjoy whenever you see this tomorrow (I think?  I’m terrible about keeping track of that sort of thing.  Also, how is most of Europe just one time zone?!  …anyway…)

Ok, I need to find out where I can get that crocodile/Alligator. for uh, for Mo...

Yeah for Mo.

(It’s for me, I would totally buy a dog toy if I thought it looked adorable.)

I definitely toned that scene down, though I kept some necessary exposition where Chris thinks on what happened between them. Might include some teenage raunchiness later, as someone pointed out to me, Peter would definitely be like that, as would Noah (probably). Chris would definitely be more reserved, he barely got a sex education aside from abstinence. ( Because I don’t see Gerard as the type of person who’d give his son the talk, honestly.)  

And as someone who also drinks alcohol in superhero or Halloween glasses and mugs, I had to throw Derek’s very mature choice in there. Batman mug stays XD

I’ll admit, that was exactly what I was thinking with Corey’s power and how I could use it in the story. So I’m curious to see where I’ll go with it eventually, but yeah, that’s on my idea list.

.. must resist Ian & JR ballsy jokes.. you are not twelve Ben.

I am.

I really am. A twelve-year-old in a twenty-nine-year-old body.

I bet Ian wanted to prove what he could fit in there. He wanted to show some ballsy moves. It’s practice for-

Okay, I’ll stop.

And they are the biggest dorks, I follow Ian, JR, Colton, and Holland on and my lord, they’re such dorks. Definitely following Linden now too though. hehe.

I can see them trying that trick with Jackson, Malia, Ben, and Scott as well. Scott just falls face first and tries to fit a tennis ball into his mouth. Ben just looks at the tennis ball, figures that ain’t gonna fit and balances it on his face instead. Malia opens her mouth, notices the camera coming out, and just poses while smiling at the camera. Jackson though pretends to not understand what he has to do until Chris shows him how it’s done and then Jackson quickly points to Chris and while Noah films it laughing his ass off.

They make an awesome Christmas card with all of them doing something with that tennis ball.

Speculatively I’d say boy bands for Peter, bubblegum pop/pop-punk for Chris, and classic (read: dad) rock for Noah, but I welcome other opinions.

SO MUCH YES.

Also, Nickelback for Chris & Never gonna give you up. They're guilty pleasures. I would also like to suggest for Peter, either the Spice girls or like the Vengaboys. Gets him going but only when he’s alone at home and he’s wearing headphones. Because God forbids someone else hears it too. And I kinda wanna say Baby Metal for Noah. Idk seems like that might fit him and it’s hilarious to think about. Some headcanons don’t need to make sense.

Also, just for shits and giggles.

Caramelldansen in English and Swedish. 

Makes these dads (and Melissa and Derek) move and dance around the new house like crazy, Ben joins in, because of the funny voices. 

The teenagers are mortified.

MORTIFIED.

This made me so happy, 

3) A child ate one of the fancy dog treats we have on display (luckily that one is mainly yoghurt and peppermint extract), and then try to drink from the fountain we have set up for any dogs that come in.  I don’t think mom ever noticed.

I feel like that’s basically toddler behavior. Also, Ben did this at some point. One hundred percent. He walked into the pet section at a store and started eating the dog treats. Chris didn’t notice, Peter did, asked him about it and went; well, it’s probably not toxic for him, so whatever. He did film it. Noah and Chris yelled at him.

4) We now carry a special, highly filtered, and ph-balanced (and overpriced) bottled cat water (no really), that seems simultaneously like a brilliant idea (because UTIs), but also somehow one of the whitest things I’ve ever seen (and I say this as a white person who grew up basically middle-class).

That is the whitest shit I’ve ever heard. And yes I’m white too from lower middle class. But still...

But maybe that’s because I live in a country where I can drink tap water so that’s what Mo gets in his fountain.

And your stories made me smile my friend, every single one. <3 thank you for sharing these.

I wish I had funny ones really. Only one I can think of is some of my customers I run into as a tech support guy.

Customer calls me to tell me they don’t have internet. I ask, “Where’s your modem and how is it plugged into the network?”

Customer: It’s still in the box I received it in.. it’s wireless..”

Me: 

Cue ten-minute argument on how it’s not wireless like that and how he needs to install his modem... yeah. People and technology...

But anyway, I’ll stop rambling now because it’s 1 am here and I need to go to sleep again.

1 am is in the Amsterdam/Berlin timezone where I live in.

That is 6 pm in NYC

And 4 pm in California.

So I am 7-9 hours ahead of the US, to give you an idea about timezones.

[lovesarangfirst]

Destiny::GD::Part 34::Loss of Words

[GD POV]

All GD could remember was riding in a vehicle down the road when there was an explosion. The ringing in his ears and smoke in his lungs were his last memories. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since the accident but he woke up to a busy Jooyeon rearranging some flowers on the hospital nightstand. She had bags under her eyes and no make up on today. She must have been worried.

“Jooyeon?”GD groaned. His throat was dry.  “Oppa!”She gasped as she dropped she was doing,”How are you feeling?!”

She hit the nurse calling button and quickly grabbed on of GD’s hand. GD didn’t deserve her. As soon as the explosion happened, GD’s life didn’t pass through his mind. Images of Hyorin did. And she wasn’t the one in his hospital room. 

“Water, please.”GD said with a hoarse voice.  Jooyeon quickly poured him a glass and handed it to him with a warm smile on her face,”I’m so glad you’re awake. The doctor said he wasn’t sure when you would.” GD sipped on the water, feeling grateful, and asked,”How long was I unconscious for?” Jooyeon looked over at a calendar above the night stand, counting the days quietly before she finally answered,”3 weeks.” “Wow.”GD laughed awkwardly,”What’s the prognosis?” Jooyeon took her seat next to the bed,”You’ll be fine. You can perform again after some physical therapy but you’re being medically discharged from the Army.”

GD groaned again. Some idiot netizens were going to post some bs where GD wanted to be injured to get out of the Army, he knew those comments were going to come.

“Other than the dry throat, how are you feeling?”Jooyeon asked again. “Okay I guess.”GD admitted,”At least the best I will be for a while.” “That’s good!”Jooyeon said excitedly,”When you’re released from here I’ll be at your apartment all the time to take care of you.” GD felt guilty again.  “Yeah listen...Jooyeon,”GD started, feeling even more guilty for what he was about to say since she was taking care of him. “Yeah?”She smiled at him as he noticed the couple ring they had bought the day he left on her finger. This wasn’t the right time.  “Uhh, can I use your phone? I should let the company know I’m okay.”GD quickly said. “Oh, Tae Hee oppa is outside, I’ll go get him.”She informed before she ran out the door. (This is not going to go well.)

-skip-

He knew it. Jooyeon had trashed GD’s living room after he broke up with her. He had been released from the hospital and Jooyeon had helped him back to his apartment but he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He thought she would be somewhat understanding since he told her some things about how his relationship with Hyorin ended, but that is not how it went down. Jooyeon had visited him everyday after he schedules and even cancelled them so she could be there when he woke up. So he stood there and took all the hitting and screaming as she let her frustrations out.

“She doesn’t even love you oppa!”Jooyeon howled,”She’s been dating Super Juniors Eunhyuk ever since you left pabo!” 

GD froze. She was dating someone? He should have known she wasn’t going to wait for him. Hyorin was a strong female but when he heard 24/7 say she would take time to herself before he left for the Army, he guessed it gave him some false hope.

“Even so.”GD sighed with a heavy heart and monotone voice,”I can’t give you false hope either Jooyeon.”

More cursing and screaming followed as she trashed GD’s living room before she finally left. Exhausted, GD moved some stuff off the couch and sat down. 

“Ah!”He groaned as he held his side.

He must have sat down too fast and hard. His ribs were still bruised so he needed to be careful. As GD looked around his living room he noticed a Rilakkuma bear in the corner. He must have forgotten to get rid of it when Hyorin and he had broken up. She had gotten it for him when he was sick one time while she took care of him in the apartment. As he starred at it he suddenly had the the urge to see her. (Fuck it.) Regardless if she was single or not, he had to see her.

GD put on his best dress clothes and headed out the door as he called Tae Hee again.

“Hyung please grab me a bouquet of roses please and meet me at the company car garage.”GD quickly requested. “For Jooyeon? Do you want a card to say anything?”Tae Hee asked. “It’s not for her, just hurry please.”GD rushed,”Thanks.”

GD got into his lambo and sped down the road. (I’m coming Hyorin.)

[whatdidijustwrite]

Long Way to Go: Damien 2

Synopsis: MC reaches out across the web to find someone to talk to about Alex and how much he misses her while he struggles to raise his eldest daughter. He finds it in a single dad living in his old hometown of Maple Bay…

GothDad123,

I met my wife in college. We’d been paired up for a lab and I counted myself lucky- she was easily the smartest of the entire class and hey, easy marks. I was completely wrong- she did not let me do what I want like I thought and instead made me work hard for our marks, even when I got my roommate (who had been very hot) to try and charm her.

I respected her after that, and we got talking a bit. We didn’t start dating until she came out as trans to me, not wanting our relationship to begin without me knowing. I was fully accepting and we ended up dating throughout college. We got married (or as close to it) after college and almost right away debated kids. We both loved the idea so we got a close friend of ours to agree to carry the baby, mixing our sperm and having our daughter.

My wife was brilliant. She played piano, could debate any political question, had a thousand ideas under the sun. She’d gone to school for business, opened a hardware store with her brother. I took over the paperwork side, and we were… we were very happy together. We were thrilled when we legally got married. Our daughter was our flower girl.

My wife never liked staying still and was constantly trying new things, hence her many, many, many DIY projects.  She was the one to turn the hardware store into a chain, opening up other locations in surrounding cities. She was so happy with it all.

It was a car accident that killed her. Just a random accident. She was driving home from work when someone ran the red light. Instant death they told me, she didn’t suffer.

But we’re suffering now. My daughter’s getting better but… it feels like everything is crashing down on me. I tried therapy but quit when the woman made remarks about my wife I nearly punched her for.

I’m not sure where my head is anymore. I’m just taking it one day at a time, but… it feels like that might not help me in the long run.

-PandaFather

Damien read over the message once more, feeling his heart ache for the man.

Loving your spouse for years only to lose them so suddenly, and then to deal with bigots who don’t understand a damn thing.

Lucien was busy with yet another project he’d found- something similar to the patio furniture. A desk, made out of crates and plywood, painted black once he was done. But they did have dinner together before, and Lucien had asked after the man, curious as to why he hadn’t responded back yet.

Damien had figured the man was trying to think of what to write. After all, it was a subject most would shy away from. But he had still reached out to him. To him. Damien, the goth IT worker.

Damien bit his lip, rubbing at his chin in thought.

How best to reply… how best to convey��

-0-

PandaFather,

Your wife sounds like she was the most amazing woman in the world. You were blessed to have her in your life.

I cannot offer much to comfort you. I have been told I speak of death far too much for people to be comfortable, that my fascination with it concerns people.

But I do know that someone who shares your love would never want you to break down completely. The therapist was an awful person, but perhaps seeking out another one might help? If you do not think so, do not do so- forcing it would only make things worse for you in the end. Therapy is in the end, a selfish choice. It is for you to get better, not for anyone else.

Taking it one day at a time is the best choice now, but as you said, make sure it continues to be.

-GothDad123

Edited: Here is a link to sheet music for your daughter. I believe she may find the song perfect for melancholy moods.

The sounds of haunting piano keys filled the small house as Amanda let loose on the sheet music her dad had gotten from the guy who was messaging him.

M.C. listened to her play, eyes closed softly. It was almost as if Alex was back, playing her music on the keyboard she’d gotten before it died a nasty death a week before the accident in the form of Alex accidentally flipping it over while… otherwise engaged with M.C..

Opening his eyes, M.C. rubbed at them, thinking of GD (Amanda’s name for him) and his reply.

It was things he’d heard before- other than the therapy bit. He’d never heard it put like that, but god it made so much sense put like that. Therapy was for himself, to get better. It was so he could be selfish, not selfless.

He wanted to get better. He wanted to talk about his feelings, he’d admit. He knew he needed help. Alex had been a rock for him, struggling with his various issues, and losing her… it had hurt. It had hurt so much.

Sighing, M.C. looked over the list of LGBT friendly therapists he’d gotten from the internet. Some were in his area, some did skype sessions.

Maybe it would work out.

-0-

GothDad123,

Panda (my daughter) will not stop playing that song. Over and over and over again. She adores it, so thank you but I might go crazy from it soon enough.

I’ve been looking into therapists again. I found one who looks pretty promising, so I’m making arrangements. She’s an LGBT friendly therapist who helps with transitions, but she also helps with those experiencing loss, so let’s hope.

How is your son doing? Is he enjoying the new furniture he built? I know when my wife built ours we ate outside like all the time until it got to cold to do so.

Here’s another link for him if he’s getting bored.

-PandaFather

“Another message from PF dad?” asked Lucien, upon spotting the grin on his dad’s face.

“Quite… and PF?” Lucien shrugged, shoving in some macaroni into his mouth. Damien chuckled, putting his phone down. “He sent another link if you’re interested.”

“YES!” Lucien said, grinning. “What is it?” Damien eyed the half-eaten pile of vegetables and Lucien groaned but obeyed the wordless command. Damien smirked and waited until they finished their supper- eating outside of course given Lucien had to enjoy the furniture he built, much like PandaFather’s wife had- before he opened the link.

It was full of spice rack ideas, one of which involved taking old fashion casserole dishes and turning them on the side.

“Cool!” Lucien said, grinning at the pictures. Damien chuckled. His son was looking much happier then he had been before, getting all of his anger out through crafts apparently. It was a nice sight, to see his son so happy again.

“We’ll see what we can dig up in the thrift store, shall we?” Damien asked his son who nodded eagerly.

“Can we also like send some stuff to his kid? More music?” Lucien asked. “As a thank you, right?” Damien blinked in surprise before he nodded, grinning.

“Why, I think we shall.”

-0-

PandaFather,

I am glad you have decided to seek out more therapy. I hope it will do you well. I am also pleased your daughter enjoys the music I sent her, though I understand the frustration of the same song being played over and over again. My son particularly enjoys doing that.

My son expresses his thanks for the new project idea you have sent him as well. He’s very eager to start it up. I feel you have created a monster, though I believe it’s better then him picking fights every few days with kids in his school.

Here is a few links to some more music sheets for your daughter, as a thank you from my son.

-GothDad123

“You and this guy are talking a lot, huh dad,” Amanda said, watching her father read whatever it was that was on his phone.

“More or less kiddo.” M.C. agreed. “He’s helping- and he’s sent more music for you so…” Amanda pumped her fist in glee.

“Sweet. But dad, what do you know about him? I mean, you’re kinda friends right?” Amanda asked. M.C. blinked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… like I get you need help and stuff, but like you told me friendship was a two-way street and that all parties need to communicate so…” Amanda trailed off as M.C. frowned.

Well… she wasn’t wrong.

“I… huh. I think you might be right kiddo. I’ll ask him a few questions about himself, how bout?”

“Sounds good to me pops.”

-0-

GothDad123,

Panda has been playing her new songs over and over again but there’s more then one so yay. It’s nice to hear. I still haven’t gone to meet my therapist yet but she is willing to skype our sessions so I don’t need to drive two hours out one a week.

I realize now I’ve been kind of a bad corresponder. I haven’t asked you anything about yourself, though I do know you do have a fascination with death. So… what are your favorite things? Do you have a favorite band? Have you ever been married?

My daughter wishes to ask if you or your son enjoy strawberry ice cream.

Here is a few more links for your son.

-PandaFather

Damien looked over the projects sent over, deciding to keep two to himself until Lucien was a bit older. The other two- a bookshelf made out of a ladder, plywood and crates and a table made out of similar material- were easy enough for a ten-year-old to do.

He was more surprised by the questions about himself. He hadn’t expected that. Most of the time, people tended to focus on themselves more then they focused on others. And with PandaFather so recently having experienced a great loss… he felt it odd that the man would reach out more, but well, people deal with loss in different ways.

Humming, Damien considered the questions. He didn’t want to lie to PandaFather but he was also uncertain of what he should tell him. He didn’t want to push that far… but he didn’t want to hide who he was.

What should he write?

-0-

PandaFather,

I’m glad your daughter enjoys her new music, and that you are able to meet your therapist in a way that is more convenient for yourself.

As for your questions, well, I enjoy gardening, animals and the Victorian Era is very much a pleasured area of study as you must have observed from my penname. I very much embrace the goth lifestyle and deeply enjoy the various attributes of it. I listen to a range of goth music, though my favorite music tends to be classical violin music or piano music. It’s a lovely set.

I have never been married no. My son was the result of a one night stand, though he has never been a mistake. I have had a variety of relationships but none that have stuck around long enough for marriage to be in the cards.

My son and I do in fact enjoy strawberry ice cream. The both of us are vegetarian though not vegan and ice cream is very much a pleasured treat.

Thank you again for the projects, here is a few more songs she may enjoy.

-GothDad123

M.C. tapped his fingers as he waited for his therapist to appear on screen, feeling nervous and worried. Unbidden his father’s words of men needing therapy being sissies and weaklings came to mind though he shoved them right out of said mind.

He was not going to go down that road, thank you.

When the screen flicked on, he made a mental note to reply to GD as soon as he could. Maybe it would help.

So… ages.

Amanda is thirteen. Lucien is ten. I’m putting MC and Damien at like 36 for MC and maybe 34 for Damien?

Also- when I was eight I was helping my dad put up fences and build stuff. As long as it’s proper supervision, it’s fine. Damien might let Lucien do like painting and stuff by himself but the heavy stuff no.

 Hope you all enjoyed this!

[smilesandcurls]

09 October, 2017

So I fell off the wagon, didnt remember to write about my weekend. I've decided to put a reminder on my phone to do my entries into my new "journal", life journey. Because, it only dawned on me this morning how much I need this to work, and more importantly work effectively.

My subconscious, coinciding with my body lets me know when something is wrong, I've come to realize. I was irritable all day today; sweaty palms and just a general uneasiness and unfocused throughout. Throughout the day, my primary thoughts was my if its a gd idea to have my therapy/counselling ever restarting is something I'd like to do, how's my baby sister ( who's actually 17 years old ) and my mother getting into it, this threesome idea my boyfriend is pushing and my closest friends Kenlyn, Keane and Jerry, and, ofc my severed relationship with people who used to be dearest to my person, my twin sister Alisha and Yokell, who used to be one of my BEST FRIENDS and maybe even an unproclaimed lover a few years back. Ive also been thinking about doing a nude photoshoot, oh, and of course this peculiar and honestly totally unnecessary "relationship", or lack thereof, with a girl by the name of........ We'd just call her Kay. These ideas seemed to plague me of recent days for you obvious reasons.

Therapy/counselling and I have a "comme ce comme ca" type of relationship. For those of you who may read this and isn't aware of what that means, it means "so so" in French. I've never seen the used for it as I was under the impression it was unneeded and counterproductive. I also have a lot of bad connotations and memories related to such. Personally, I've looked at it from all angles and as much as I think because I'm now, finally, open to it it may work, however the universe is trying to tell me something; every time I've scheduled an appointment for the past month something goes wrong, usually with my therapist and/or her family, and we have to reschedule. Since the month began I haven't been to session, however, I was doing peer counselling with some old friends for two months prior to moving into a more personal setting and I must say, it did help. I don't know if its the fact that I was speaking to a friend or someone I looked up to that took the pressure off my thoughts and opinions, or if it just felt like I could finally find genuine Guidance and objectiveness but I did open up a bit, mostly about my relationship with my boyfriend, which was falling apart at the time and about my relationship with my mother. Until those session, I wasn't aware that my relationship with my mother and my boyfriend became synonymous. My first thoughts about restarting is what about journalling my thoughts and experiences and I have, maybe, 2 session a month OR maybe I should just continue peer conselling maybe now, with my actual best friends and not persue personal counselling at all. Having two session a month may be best in my opinion as I would have already thought things through and I'd have another party to either validate my thoughts or show me where my thought pattern may be unhealthy and wrong. Someone who would allow me the space I need to feel and think through issues without the pressure of immediately finding a solution, which was a large issue my boyfriend and I had until recent. I truly feel like I'm at a place where in capable of dealing with my issues mostly in my own, with the help of someone to help navigate my thoughts and feelings until I'm capable of doing both on my own, if the day would ever come.

My mother and baby sister have had a pretty wishy washy, mostly the latter, for as far as I could remember. She was never "a favourite" of my mother's, they rarely ever agreed on the same things and their attitudes towards each other is, and always has been truly disgusting. However, as of recent years, its truly gotten worse, which I never thought would happen because of primarily two reasons, my mother is an adulterous whore and she doesnt pay much, if any attention to Azariah at all. Let me first say, my mother, according to many therapists and research of done via the internet and her mental medical history, has a personality disorder. Which one or two or more, is up for debate. Personally, I believe she may have split personalities with acute bipolarism and she may even be schizophrenic. So, truly, I've come to realize,many times, her actions and what she says isn't her own fault. My mother has struggled with relationships since her and my father got divorced and has since self sabotaged many if not all of her relationships since then. And this relationship, she has had with my "stepfather" for the past 8-10 years have been no different. She's cheated on him with multiple men, and she hasn't been able to ever trust him fully since they've been together. Their relationship falling apart wasn't entirely her fault, as he was always absent, and dismissive. They've recently called it quits and since then our family has basically fallen apart. I, however, am grateful for this as it has caused my biological father and I to become closer and maybe even mend a bit of our issues and my mother and I have also reconciled our broken relationship. Azariah hasn't been able to do this with either of our parents, she hasnt entirely emotionally developed over the years and truly isn't capable of reconciliation due to this. This also serves as the reason why she hasn't been able to forgive my mother for her failed relationship with our "stepfather", whom, if I didnt mentioned, she's very fond of and quite literally refers and thinks of him as our one ans only father figure. She's extremely attached to him and has taken his side in the breakup, being even more volatile to mom. Because of this, she now lives with my twin sister Alisha, who eeveryone knows is a bad influence on her. We were trying to get her to live with me but because of my "alliance" with my parents she's being resistant which is making this process of custody a lot harder and emotionally draining on myself. Everything is extremely hazy with everyone's relationships within out strange family as of recent apart from my relationships with everyone, with the exception of Alisha and my "stepfather". I have generally good relationships with everyone, communication wise anyway. Maybe its best if they don't speak to each other in depth until she's healed herself from the many years of neglect and miscommunication with mom because its proving to be toxic, their conversations that is, as of now.

This threesome. God help me. My boyfriend has been pushing this as of recent, for the second time. Maybe its because we're "okay"/ "better" now that he thinks its okay to bring this back up again but I'm not ready for this yet. Right now, I'm just healing, or trying to anyway, from the hurt of the past few months between him and I, also, from the rest of my life with my parents. I've put everything and everyone's wants and needs before my own and thanks to him and counseling I've realized I need to put my needs first for a while to be the best version of myself I can be. I feel dismissed by him bringing this up again, it just feels very selfish for him to do this at this point. I should mention, him and I are in an open relationship so I'm sure the next thing I say would come as a shock to you all now, but my thoughts are, if he wants a threesome so badly, he could rounds up some other bitches and leave me out until I'm ready to move forward with this idea. Granted, I did entertain this idea previously because I did want to please him and at that point I felt like it was the only way I could think of but I'm thinking of me now and that's not gd for me at this point. I'd never stop him from doing what he truly desires so I understand if he chooses to move forward with it but at thus point, I'm not open to this idea until I've healed from the emotional and psychological abuse of the past few months with him.

Truly, one of the greatest joys in my life are my amazing friends who've stood with me since we've formed these unions. There's honestly not much I could say on this other than. I love them and I truly do need to be better people and friends to/for them. Especially Keane, my truest companion. I truly would more than likely be anorexic and maybe even insane without him. I owe him EVERYTHING I am and have. Not to discredit ANYTHING my boyfriend has done for me, because without him I'd also be much worse, psychologically weak being the main thing. My boyfriend has done everything I could ask, and more of any partner I've ever had and I'll more than like continue to live my life trying to repay him in anyway I can, which is, as I've realized extremely unhealthy thinking, which is why we ended up with so many issues in the first place. He is truly the most extraordinary person in my life without a doubt but he/we have our kinks as any other couple does. My friends deserve nothing less than the best, regardless of if thats me or someone else and I truly hope that if its not me they go out and find it regardless of if it hurts me or not. And that also goes for my boyfriend.

Alisha and Yokell. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them as much as I love them. Alisha, my twin sister, and I haven't seen eye to eye or even been friends for about 5 years now. She's had two children and is only 19 and I haven't been able to accept this of her to this day, which, more than likely, is half of the anger I have towards her. She was in an abusive relationship for about 4 out of the 5 years her and I have had issues. In my opinion, she's a younger version of my mother, minus the adulterous whore part. Ive made my peace with our relationship never reconciling and even the fact that she may never be grateful to me for all I've done for her growing up. I've extended my hand to her on numerous occasions to fix things but I do think its for the best that we don't have a relationship. Its only going to be filled with animosity. Yokell on the other hand, my unproclaimed lover, as I've mentioned him prior, don't have a relationship anymore due to the fact that he was/is madly in love with me and I'm in love with someone else, my boyfriend who's a friend of his for years prior to my knowing either of them. The issue at hand is ever since he essentially asked me to choose between him and my boyfriend he's been terrible depressed, according to popular belief of course, and is terribly reclusive. I've been struggling to accept that thus is no fault of mine but I do believe I am responsible. Maybe if I'd told him I had feelings for him when I first discovered them things would be better, maybe if we actually had a conversation about everything or even just try to figure what is neat for us both we wouldn't be here. I truly believe I neglected him and the entire situation as I never really reached out to him past that "ultimatum" he gave me out of respect for my current romantic relationship. I've been trying to figure out if I should try to be a better/bigger presence in his life but there truly is nothing I can do really other than be in skl more often or message more and hope he responds. Unfortunately I don't know if I'm even prepared to do this at this particular point in my life.

I honestly wasn't happy with myself or my body until I started modeling, hence the thought of a nude shoot being considered. A final step to acceptance of myself in every flaw and imperfection I may have. I've already ran the idea by my boyfriend, who has yet to respond, and I'm ready for this to happen but I won't do it if he's uncomfortable but I do truly want to do this. This isn't only for my exterior but for my mental and psychological health. I've grown tremendously over the past few years and I'm proud of where I am. I'm in the right environment to go only up from here in every aspect of my life and I'm proud of myself.

My boyfriend had this odd encounter with Kay a few months into our relationship in that she was throwing her at at him and when he was about to act on it she pulled out and freaked out because not only did she have a boyfriend but she saw me as a friend. Ever since then she's totally avoided me until, I'm guessing, she made peace with it with her partner and herself, and has yet been being excessively "buddy buddy" with me as if nothing happened. I truly am not upset the situation itself,between her and my boyfriend, however, you CANNOT play me like that. LEAVE ME OUT OF THE SITUATION. DO NOT TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME AFTER YOU WERE BEING FRAUDULENT. Anyway, I've been battling with myself and my boyfriend as to if I should "make and issue" of it or not. I'm truly fed up of her constantly trying to push a friendship with me. Its getting old and I'm losing my cool. I'd rather she just leave me alone and pass me like a bus but she isn't facilitating this and all I'm left with is being abrasive and rude towards her. I wished someone would just speak to her before I do because it would be nasty. I've thought maybe I'm over reacting, which I possibly am, but, I'm at my wits end and I'm truly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up.

In conclusion, I've realized based on today I've become much better dealing with my anxiety as I didn't reach for my anti anxiety meds during the day. However I did find another way to deal with these issues, I surrounded myself with friends and activities throughout the day, especially after work. I went to a football game, I had a friend over with my room mates of course, always showering me with affection and we played cards and watched movies until really late. I couldn't sleep well however, which is something I need to work on

[jaxon75v457551-blog]

Daniel Holland, M.D.

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