#and got to work producing her first album. the centre point of the album‚ and her first single‚ was to be Mississippi Delta; there wasn't
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Infinite list of favourite lyrics: 229/?
Bobbie Gentry - Ode to Billie Joe (1967)
"And Papa said to Mama, as he passed around the black-eyed peas:
'Well, Billie Joe never had a lick of sense; pass the biscuits, please.
There's five more acres in the lower forty I got to plow'
And Mama said it was a shame about Billie Joe, anyhow.
Seems like nothin' ever comes to no good up on Choctaw Ridge
And now Billie Joe McAllister's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"
[...]
"Mama said to me, 'Child, what's happened to your appetite?
I've been cookin' all morning, and you haven't touched a single bite.
That nice young preacher, Brother Taylor, dropped by today
Said he'd be pleased to have dinner on Sunday - oh, by the way
He said he saw a girl that looked a lot like you up on Choctaw Ridge
And she and Billie Joe was throwin' something off the Tallahatchie Bridge'"
#favourite lyrics#bobbie gentry#ode to billie joe#1967#jimmie haskell#ode to billy joe#<- as this fairly regularly gets styled‚ tho Billie is correct and the spelling that appeared on the label originally#i overuse the term but i really think it's unavoidable here: this song is an absolute masterpiece of narrative songwriting#Gentry's ambition had only really been to work as a lyricist; she recorded this as part of her first demo‚ singing the songs herself#because it was cheaper than hiring a singer for the sessions. the demo grabbed the attention of Kelly Gordon at Capitol‚ who signed Gentry#and got to work producing her first album. the centre point of the album‚ and her first single‚ was to be Mississippi Delta; there wasn't#much interest in the Southern gothic tinged tale of secrets and 'unconscious cruelty' (as Gentry dubbed it) of Ode‚ and it was regarded#with little interest by Gordon (when arranger Haskell asked him what instruments he should add to Gentry's stripped down vocal and guitar l#the producer replied curtly that it didn't matter because nobody would ever hear it). Ode was assigned as b side to Mississippi Delta as#almost an afterthought‚ but this was the era in which US radio djs frequently chose which side of a single they wanted to play and the#unanimous decision was Ode; here was something special‚ a dark and tantalising mystery of a song obscured by the humdrum idle conversation#of an unthinking family. it ignited a kind of obsessive curiosity among listeners‚ desperate to find out what exactly the unnamed singer#and Billie Joe were throwing off the bridge‚ why did Billie Joe take his own life‚ why do the singer's gamily clearly not know about#their obvious relationship? Gentry‚ for her own part‚ resisted all attempts to glean further information about the actions of her song's#protagonist. she rightly tried to steer interested parties back towards what is arguably the real horror of the song‚ that unconscious#cruelty; a family that can eat and chatter and squabble even as they discuss the suicide of a boy they've known all their lives‚ even as#the clearly affected girlfriend of the boy (their own sister and daughter) sits in dumbstruck silence‚ unable to articulate her feelings#the original cut of the song ran more than 7 minutes and had to be mercilessly hacked down to fit a 45 single suitable length. no one had#expected much of anything from the song but it was to catapult Gentry to almost instant stardom; the forthcoming album was retitled after#the song that was now its focus; Ode went on to top the Billboard Hot 100‚ won a clutch of grammys and ended up selling more than 3 million#copies worldwide. Gentry had captured the imagination of a nation and beyond‚ but her success was tempered by legal challenges (from#producers demanding greater royalties) and a general dissatisfaction with her newfound stardom: it would last a little more than a decade#and include her own tv shows‚ more awards and smash hit singles; then just as suddenly as she'd shot to fame‚ Bobbie retreated from it#retiring from both the business and from public life. she hasn't made a public appearance since the early 80s‚ nor does she grant interview#but so what? if she's happy? i hope she's happy. she left us enough great music to enjoy. let her have her peace and quiet
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Top five music albums of the 2010's :3
Oh god I have to actually think about what came out in the 2010s. Uhhhhhhhhhh
1. Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino by The Arctic Monkeys: This is one of the first times I really excitedly bought an album and listened to it as a cohesive artistic piece, rather than just as background music or something I got with family. It is one of the few albums I let take up the very limited storage on my phone, and it is the first album I was interested in enough to research its meaning and concept. 10/10
(Uhhh okay I gotta go look up some other albums I'll be back.) [Exit stage right]
[Some time passes.]
Okay I'm back and I have reviewed albums.
2. Unearthing the Sentience by Beyond Flesh: So first off, I discovered this album this year through a friend of mine, and I absolutely love it. It's a technical death metal producer duo that released this and another album (the other one came out in 2020 and so doesn't count for this :/). It is entirely instrumental, but each song is so distinct. It'll introduce a concept, put a few spins on it, then tie it all together in a beautiful conclusion. The songwriting methodology honestly reminds me of Super Mario level design (as laid out by GMTK on youtube) in its expressive focus. Half of the duo, Juan Carlos Hernández, has genuinely become one of my favourite artists of all time. I have not yet had the pleasure of exploring his whole discography, but what I have thus far listened to has been extraordinary. Every piece is an imaginative journey that I delight in being swept up in. If you want to enrich your musical tastes a little more, you can find more of his work spread out across a few different bandcamps (his dungeon synth/ambience/fantasy works, his doom metal project, and his other works) or check out the occasional work posted to his tumblr at @imsobadatnicknames2. The works are entirely prolific and delightful, and this album in particular has been one of few that's started me getting into more metal. 11/10
3. Transgender Dysphoria Blues by Against Me: I also found this one this year, and it was recommended through another friend. Amazing punk music about being trans (and other topics, of course). I had shown great interest in punk culture and aesthetic approaches, but this was a really good deliberate foray into the music itself that resonated with me personally (I'm a trains). The album was released after the singer and frontwoman came out as a trans woman, and it heavily centres her experience in doing so in a way that is really provocative and heartfelt. Some of the songs seem, I guess the word is insecure? In a way I don't really resonate with, but I guess that's the point, isn't it? The first two songs, Transgender Dysphoria Blues and True Trans Soul Rebel, have been permanently etched into my heart. I also really like Paralytic States. Really good to listen to as a full album. 10/10
4. Morning Coffee Chillhop Lo Fi Electronic Mix by Various Artists: "But wait!" I hear you exclaim. "That's not an album, it's just a youtube lofi mix!" Yes. Anyway, this mix has been my absolute favourite since I first heard it, and it really kickstarted my exploration of lofi. Like before this I was checking it out, but upon hearing this, I was well and truly hooked. The first song overlays audio from a tv scene (I think it's twin peaks?) about rewarding yourself every day, ("Every day, give yourself a present,") and it's a lovely sentiment to begin an album a mix on. the use of additional audio throughout is typical for lofi, but it is used to great effect here to elevate the music it's played over rather than obscure it while rendering each song distinct. It was also the first time (or at least most memorable time) I heard something like that. I do not know the name of a single song on this mix, and if I ever lose access to it, I will kill everyone within a five kilometer radius. 10/10
5. Starbomb's Self-Titled Debut Album: This is a comedy album around video games composed of several Game Grumps members, and I bought it as a teenager and listened to it front to back maybe more times than I got a good night's sleep. I'm not really into Game Grumps anymore, and now I kind of tend to skip NSP (other Game Grumps-adjacent band) when it comes up on older playlists of mine. But like, I couldn't un-memorize this thing even if I wanted to, and it is somehow one of like 6 albums still on my phone (Tranquility Base was unwittingly bought on Google Play Music and did not outlast its end) even since getting a new phone. Even the Caravan Palace album, while it's still on my device, didn't soundtrack my teenagedom nearly as pervasively, and it does not stand out as much as the other entries here (you should still listen though). I can sing along flawlessly to every track, and it is lovingly catalogued by that dorky teenager I carry in me as I keep growing through adulthood. It's my alarms sometimes. I want to rate it lower, but I have loved it too entirely for too long. 10/10
Surprise Bonus Play!!!!!!!! (Woa!) (Honourable Mention)
6. Greatest Hits, Vol. 1 by The Flaming Lips: This one is maybe cheating a bit as it's a greatest hits album, but whatever. I initially bought this on impulse as a gift for a friend for his birthday (I bought myself one as well), and I fell in love with how silly the song names and premises were. We all loved it, and had a blast listening to it via his playstation, then later in the car when we went camping together. I genuinely did not realize that it might be a somewhat well-known band before I saw the inclusion of one of their songs in the game Hi-Fi Rush. (Hint: They are very well-known. They have many awards and a long history. Their discography has its own wikipedia article seperate from their main article. I didn't know any of this until I came to wrote this.) I especially like "She Don't Use Jelly," which aside from being very funny, also implies a delicious toast recipe which I wholeheartedly recommend everybody try. 10/10
#also these aren't really ranks so much as the order I though of them in#music#musicposting#albumposting#Asks? Answered.
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3 "Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia
writers Scott Cutler, Anne Preven, Phil Thornalley
"Every 90s kid comes of age three times: Eighteenth birthday. Twenty-first birthday. The day they find out Natalie Imbruglia's version of Torn is a cover."
ELF POINTS (11 points)
Part of the UncoolTwo50 project, marking the best singles from 1977-99.
If a song is recorded, and nobody ever hears it, can it be covered?
Written for Anne Preven and her band Ednaswap, and recorded by local stars Trine Rein and Lis Sørensen, "Torn" is indelibly associated with Natalie Imbruglia.
The song was co-written with Cutler and Thornalley, who'd already contributed most of the songs for Johnny Hates Jazz's first (and last) album. Thornalley had previously produced the Thompson Twins, XTC, The Cure, and Duran Duran. Anne Preven wrote the lyric, which might explain why it has faint echoes of Poplish, the international language of hit music.
Scott Cutler is to blame for the tense, fretful sound. Thornalley explained, "I feel Scott would have scientifically manipulated the entry to the chorus so it resolves on the major note of the scale – teasing the notes in the bars before to draw out the tension. The ear wants the melody to land on the pleasing A of F major, but is held back by singing the B flat till the last beat." One semi-tone down, till the very end.
youtube
Ednaswap were active in 1992, and performed "Torn" live with a grunge sound. It takes a leap to imagine the familiar words to a scuzzy background, and at a much slower tempo, but I reckon it works. Poul Bruun, an A&R man, absolutely loved the tune, and was responsible for the Scandinavian covers. And then Natalie Imbruglia got hold of the song.
Thornalley again. "We worked hard, recording and re-recording her vocal for days, trying to find the best expression from her voice. If she sings out too much, pushes too hard, then her beautiful breathy tone is lost. We would try out phrases with added blue notes to try to capture the lyrical mood. So not a one-take wonder, a studied and contrived performance. I guess her skills as an actor helped with the patience needed to put up with my demands."
Unlike Trine and Lis, Natalie captures the bittersweet heartbreak at the centre of "Torn"; it's a vocal to compare with Lisa Loeb (qv). This relationship is gone, finished, kaput, over. And it hurts like anything, and Natalie absolutely conveys this emotion with every little quiver of the voice.
She's helped by the arrangement, trimming the instrumental break from 20 bars to 8. With of-the-time backing beats from Zero 7, and background singing from Katrina Leskevich of The Waves, "Torn" was very much the cool thing. And it fell into the paths paved by Alanis Morissette (qv), Sheryl Crow, and many more.
Championed by Richard "Dogsby" Park, "Torn" went straight into high rotation at BLOB in Birmingham, Crapital FM, Crackly Atlantic 252, Virgin Quarter Past Twelve, Soft Rock 100.7 Heart FM - and eventually, grudgingly, to One! Efff! Emm! Sold a million copies by the end of the year, another quarter-mill in '98. Radio loved it, and continues to love it - "Torn" was the most played record on radio in 1998, and around number 150 for 1999, in the top 30 for the 2000s decade, number 42 for the entire 2010s, and still gets 1250 spins a week - of my top 50, only Rick Astley gets more.
What's the enduring appeal? Mostly, that Natalie conveys the emotion like the high-quality actor she is. It's an awesome song, which works in many styles. Natalie absolutely nails the vocal mood she wants, helped by those little changes to the orchestration. And the video, with Jeremy Sheffield and a fixed camera, an apartment being furnished and dismantled, that hoodie, and Natalie's angry dance in the final guitar-wah.
vimeo
Natalie Imbruglia continued to make music - "Big mistake" from Left of the Middle would probably be in my 50 if I didn't limit it to one single per album. Although 2001's White Lilies Island was a bit undercooked, "Shiver" from Counting Down the Days is another top-drawer performance. More albums have followed in the last few years, and I wouldn't be too surprised to hear Natalie got the big New Year's Gig on BBC1 some year.
If I'd written this list in 1999, "Torn" would be on it, a great song that spoke to a lot of people. A quarter-century later, "Torn" is still on my list, still one of the first names down. Deserves the Eleven Points! and third place.
Also… "The reflex" from Duran Duran made number 55; "You take me up" from Thompson Twins, "Lullaby" from The Cure were longlisted; XTC and Johnny Hates Jazz were passed. Katrina and the Waves had "Walking on sunshine" and "That's the way" in the longlist, where we find Sheryl Crow for "Run baby run".
#natalie imbruglia#torn#1997#airplay hit#ednaswap#unexpected cover versions#heartbreak#one of the 50 greatest songs of the late 20th century#uncool two 50#uncooltwo50#pop music#20th century#1977-1999
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BTS Reaction || You’re An Idol And Faint [Request]
[BTS X Gender Neutral Reader]
Seokjin:
Your manager was walking around backstage telling all of your members to get into their starting position,
"Is your boyfriend here?" Your maknae asked coming over to you for help on her zipper, you turned her around while you did the zipper up on her dress.
"Jin and I are just friends." You lied as she turned around to face you once again, everyone knew you were dating but you had to keep up the friends act in front of reporters and fans since it was written within your contract to forbid you from dating for at least another year yet,
"Is he here?" You rolled your eyes at her and pointed out through the small curtain to the front row, Jin was sitting in the centre waiting for you along with the rest of BTS. It was your comeback stage meaning you and your group had been training for months for this and it was finally happening,
"Starting places!" Your manager snapped at everyone she seemed a lot more stressed than you did at the moment considering you were the one running on 3 hours of sleep from the last two days but you were used to the late nights you'd been like this since your trainee years.
"You okay?" The second oldest of your group asked as you stood in front of her ready to start your opening lines, the microphone on your head wobbled as you nodded in an answer to her.
"I'm fine, you guys ready?" The music began and the curtains lifted, you sang your lines as best as you could before moving to the back and continuing the dancing.
Jin watched from the front row with a giant smile on his face, he was always so proud of you and your group for doing what you did, you were one of the best in the industry and he always expressed his love for your music.
"Jin stop dancing," Jimin chuckled, if he gave anymore hints that he knew the brand new choreography it would more than obvious that you were dating.
"Do they look okay to you?" Yoongi asked noticing you as you stumbled a little, you were looking a little confused next and before they knew it you were on the floor at the back of the group, the music cut and the curtain dropped.
"Y/N!" Jin screamed not caring about paparazzi or fans seeing his display, all he cared about was finding out if his partner was okay after going down like that
(X)
He'd rushed backstage to find you being carried into an ambulance and demanded that he got to go with you, he wasn't about to let anyone stop him. He either went in the ambulance or he made it clear he'd find another way there.
"How are you feeling?" Jin asked when you woke up a few hours later, you'd been in and out of it all night since you got to the hospital. It scared the hell out of Jin seeing you collapse the way you did.
"I'm okay, what happened on the stage? Did we finish?" You rushed to sit up in the bed but Jin pushed you to lay back down telling you not to worry about any of that right now,
"You're going to make it up another time, right now you need to rest. Your maknae said you haven't been sleeping." You shook your head trying to pass it off as if it was nothing but it wasn't nothing, it was a huge deal especially in the industry where things could go wrong due to the lack of sleep.
"Why haven't you been sleeping?" You knew Jin would never drop it so you were going to have to talk about it sooner or later,
"I've been stressed, I know it's stupid. I trained for this, I'm the leader of a diverse group of 12 people I should be good at this but-"
"Don't do that, don't blame yourself. You should be getting help with the group, they can't expect you to manage alone." You sighed as he took your hand in yours trying to comfort you in any way that he could,
"I'm sorry, the comeback was coming up quick and I guess I just forgot I had to sleep." He kissed the top of your hand and promised he would do his best to make sure you were getting the rest you deserved from now on.
Yoongi:
This was the first time that you were going to be presenting on the MCountdown show since you debuted, your group were performing later as well so you'd been up to your neck in practice, along with working on your new comeback album. You were presenting alongside Hyunjin today and you were both getting along great backstage and on stage,
"Y/n? These just came for you." Hyunjin said as he held up a card in his hand, you took it from his grasp and opened it to see a message from Yoongi inside.
"Waiting in the usual spot, good luck?" Hyunjin was reading over your shoulder so you playfully jabbed him in the side when your stomach growled loudly. You hadn't eaten a single thing all day thanks to your tightly packed schedule.
"You hungry? They have something back-"
"They're on a diet." Your managed quipped looking up from her phone for the first time in the last two hours of sitting there doing nothing. Hyujin gave her the side-eye before you reassured him that it was fine and you'd just grab something back at your dorm room later. You knew Yoongi was going to be waiting for you backstage in his usual spot, he would stand watching you whenever you had a performance, he'd stand where you could see him and he could see you clearly enough without being spotted.
"On stage please!" The producer called out clapping his hands together taking you and Hyunjin jump up and go towards the main stage. You caught a glimpse of Yoongi in his suit as you went up onto the stage, taking your microphone and plastering the giant fake smile across your face.
"Hi! Welcome back to Mcountdown! Today we have a lot of special performances from Stray Kids, BTS, TXT, and Lovestruck!" You said clapping your hands as you announced your group name.
Yoongi smiled his bright gummy bear smile as he watched you presenting the show but there was something wrong, whenever the camera panned off of you you would hold onto Hyunjin. The lights seemed to be bothering you a lot more than they usually would and you were swaying in place.
"Next up we have TXT with 'Can't You See me." The camera cut away to the boys on the other stage and the second you were free you stumbled into Hyunjin holding onto his arm for dear life as you felt a wave of dizziness hit you out of nowhere.
"Y/n?" His voice seemed distant as you began to fade out of consciousness.
"Y/N!" Yoongi yelled right before you fell down onto the floor, the microphone slipping out of your hand and hitting the floor creating horrible feedback through the audio systems.
(X)
Yoongi held onto the muffin you were picking from as you stared at him, the producers and medics had brought you backstage after you fainted and told you it was the lack of food in your system causing you to pass out.
"It's the new diet, I promise I'm eating enough I just forgot to eat during my time period today." You told Yoongi who was red in the face from anger but it wasn't directed at you, it was to your manager who claimed that the diet was to stick despite this happening to you.
"Y/n is fine the way they are!" You'd heard him yelling when you first woke up on the sofa with Hyunjin by your side.
"I'll have her sued, or fired, anything." He ranted to you as he handed you some more of the muffin, you kissed his cheek thanking him for doing this for you and promising him that everything would be okay, diet or no diet you were going to eat what you needed to prevent this from happening again.
Hoseok:
The company you worked for were making sure that you wore long sleeves to cover up your arms, you had a large tattoo down your left arm and it was against their policy to allow you to show it during concerts - although your fans had seen it plenty of times and adored the tattoos on you your company was just following protocol.
"You look like you're about to drop," Hoseok said as you came off stage for a small intermission, your Maknae and eldest member were both talking on the main stage while you switched into another outfit.
"It's hot out there," You tried to laugh off the fact that you were getting dizzy, you should have been used to this by now. The long shirts were nothing usually but that was in your practice studio not on stage with all of the lights scolding down on you while you worked hard for your fans.
"Take this," He handed you a small fan he was using backstage along with a bottle of water and you headed off to get changed into yet another long sleeve shirt, this was one thicker than the rest, Hobi looked worried when you passed him on the way back to the stage.
"Are you guys ready!?" You yelled talking to fans while the rest of your group went to go and get changed,
"You guys are going to love the next one, it's a sneak peek at the next album." You laughed softly telling them that they were the most spoiled fandom, you glanced over to the Maknae who was rushing back onto the stage with her microphone in hand. It was a slower song, one that you'd dedicated to the fans for being so loyal with you all so it didn't involve any dancing thank goodness but the lights were still making it hard for you to breath.
"3...2...1..." The music began softly in your earpiece and you held the microphone to your lips as you began to sing softly along to the lyrics that you'd all written together.
Fans screamed as you sat back against the floor holding your microphone up to your head as you tried to push through it, some of them thought you'd gotten so sad over the lyrics but everyone else could clearly see you were fighting passing out on the stage, Hoseok stared at the stage managers who were all in a debate about what they were supposed to be doing right now.
"Get them off the stage! They're going to pass out!" He ordered loudly, he knew that he had no control over them but he had control over what happened to you, the love of his life and he wasn't about to let you get hurt or worse on stage.
(X)
"Hobi I'm fine," You whispered as he tried to put a wet cloth on your forehead yet again, you were back at your dorms with the rest of your group putting out a personal statement of apology while your fans were rioting. They were in full rage about you wearing long sleeves and demanding that you got to wear something you wouldn't get too hot in on stage, that it was unfair to single you out the way your company were doing.
"You passed out-"
"Only for a couple of minutes, it was too hot." You mumbled not wanting to be babied anymore than you were but the whole group had done nothing but baby you since you got off stage and were continuing to do so now.
"Hobi please, just get into bed and cuddle me?" He nodded and put the wet cloth away so he could get into the bed behind you and cuddle you to sleep.
Namjoon:
It was no secret that being an idol and being in the public eye had its ups and downs, you were experiencing a lot of the downs lately as you came under fire from tabloids accusing you of taking drugs and performance enhancers on stage to make you seem better. As a soloist it was hard and you were struggling to keep yourself calm most days, if you were in a group it would have shifted onto something else far quicker than it was but you were alone throughout all if it except for your fans and Namjoon - your boyfriend who had done nothing but defend you since the bullshit stories came to light. Your company were in the middle of a battle against some magazines to sue them for slander but it didn't stop since more stories were being made up daily.
"You okay?" You ignored the stylist who was working on your face, you knew it wasn't her fault that all of this was happening but you were angry at everybody around you. Namjoon was standing in the doorway watching as you got up, you were performing for a small show tonight and it was your first show since the stories came out,
"You need to calm down before you go out there," You knew he was right, being angry on stage was not going to fix anything. It would only increase the stories but you couldn't help it, on your way into the venue paparazzi had done nothing but accuse you of taking more drugs, demanding that you hand yourself into the police and just admitted everything you'd been doing...which was nothing.
"I'm fine," You lied faking a smile in his direction and heading over to your stage manager who was telling you all of the details you needed to know for the show. Where to stand, what cameras to look at and where you had to finish in order for everything to go over smoothly.
"Performing their new comeback single Y/n y/l/n!" The audience clapped and you smiled at them going on and introducing yourself before the music started. Namjoon watched closely as you tried to focus on the singing rather than the small row of people in the front yelling abuse at you, they weren't happy that you were there and giving a small performance since they believed the rumours to be true. The song was coming to an end and your heart began to thump as you realised that they were going to keep doing this all of the time, they were going to get angrier and angrier no matter if the stories were true or not.
"Are they okay?" Someone asked out loud, Namjoon watched in horror as your eyes began to roll back and you stumbled towards the exit of the stage without finishing the song.
"Y/n?!" He panicked rushing over to you as you passed out in his arms, he called for someone to get a medic while he tried to get you to wake up.
(X)
The medic sighed as he went over with you what could have happened if you weren't careful,
"I told you not to go on stage angry," You stared at Namjoon daring him to say he told you so again and he shut up.
"The media is going to have a field day." You groaned pulling the blanket over your head as you sat on the sofa in one of the changing rooms backstages. He wrapped his arm around you promising that he would find a way to stop everything from happening but it was impossible. You'd seen the video and if you weren't you, you would think you'd been on drugs as well by the way your eyes rolled back and you stumbled.
"Your company will work it out, they'll spin it around and tell them it was due to the copious amounts of stress you've been under." He was good at this, trying to comfort you when you knew something bad was going to happen. You laid your head on his shoulder as you tried not to think of all the stories that were bound to come out about the performance.
Jimin:
This was your first fan signing back after taking a couple of months away due to your anxiety, all of your fans were supportive of this and were excited to see you back with the rest of your group. Your boyfriend - Jimin - had even come out to see you, he was waiting backstage of course not wanting to make the fan sign all about him,
"Is it true he came out to come and see you?" A fan questioned as you started singing his book, you looked up at him and smiled.
"Yeah he came out this morning, it was such a shock." He took your hand in his and smiled brightly at you, telling you how much you inspired him to keep working towards his goals in life and how seeing you talk about your mental health so openly with the fans inspired him to open up to his family.
"I'm glad I can help, thank you." You whispered watching as he walked over to the next member, you greeted the next fan who was just as happy as the last one that Jimin had come by for moral support,
"We love that you're back, we missed you." You started tearing up as she said it, you wanted to lean across the table and hug every single fan but it was against the company policy to do so, so you held their hands as long as you could before they moved on.
"A small song from our lead vocalist!" The leader of your group said pointing at you, you were wearing a stitch hat on your head and holding onto a dancing flower.
"Sure," You laughed looking around the group asking what song they wanted to hear from you and they all suggested Promise by Jimin since he was the one backstage. You tried to remember your breathing exercises as you waited for some music to start playing, you'd been fine up until this point and it was as if the Maknae could sense what was happening, she took your hand in hers and began singing along with you. But all of the eyes staring back at you was starting to play with your head, you stumbled on the words before your heart began racing.
"Oh no." Jimin whispered watching as he knew what was about to happen,
"Someone go and get them-" It was too late you were stumbling backwards into the fansign table as the anxiety attack started to cause you to pass out. Jimin ignored the managers as he ran out onto the stage to see if you were okay, fans were screaming to get you off the stage and make sure you got some rest.
(X)
Fans had been sending positive messages through twitter and instagram since you got back to your dorms with the group and Jimin - who hadn't left your side since getting you off the stage.
"You were supposed to take it easy," He whispered as he drew circles into the lower part of your back to try and calm you down,
"I thought I was fine, my anxiety was okay but then-"
"All the eyes, the people screaming?" You nodded and let out a small whimper but he just wrapped his arms around you tightly not wanting you to get upset over something like this. It was going to get easier for you but you had to take it easy, you had to take your time and try to go with the flow instead of rushing to make yourself feel better.
"Your fans understand that you need time, just take as much as you need." He whispered as you yawned, the passing out and anxiety attack had made you incredibly tired so you nodded along to what he was saying before laying your head down on his chest to get some sleep.
Taehyung:
You were panting heavily as you rushed off the stage to get changed into the next outfit for the next routine you were doing, it was your final concert of the season and you and your group were going as hard as you could to make this work out great for your fans who seemed more sad than excited. It wasn't as though it was your final ever goodbye, it was just a goodbye for now while you all took a year off to get some well deserved time off. Taehyung was watching front row, he wanted to watch from the fan point of view instead of backstage, everyone knew you were dating anyway. Your company saw no reason to hide the relationship since you had been together for years and it was stable enough to survive something coming at it from the tabloids.
"This is the final song of the night guys," You said sadly as you walked back out onto the stage in shorts, and a black laced sleeved shirt, the crowd booed as you said it and you laughed along with them as you went onto a speech about how it wasn't going to be forever, just for now.
"We wrote to you guys a song to enjoy while we have some time off, we hope you like it. It's a little on the slow side compared to what you're used to but I'm sure you'll love it all the same." The piano began playing softly over the speakers and Taehyung smiled, he'd been with you in the studio when you came up with the lyrics. Each verse, chorus and pre-chorus was devoted to the fandom and how you were always going to be there for them, no matter the time or day. It was the best way you could have connected with them under everything that was going on,
"Y/n hasn't drunk a single thing on stage, I hope they're drinking when they're off stage." Taehyung heard one of the girls behind him say, he'd noticed it as well and usually, he would be the one backstage reminding you to drink before going back on but he wasn't there.
"Maybe they are, I'm sure they're fine." He heard a male voice say back to her but now that it had been pointed out to him Taehyung couldn't unsee it, you looked a little dishevelled as you tried to keep up with the lyrics. You walked back to lean onto a speaker that was on stage and your fans knew instantly that something was wrong, but it was you and Taehyung watched as you powered through the urge to pass out.
(X)
"You're not going back out there." Your manager snapped as you tried to get up to go out for the final goodbye to your fans but no one was going to let you, the rest of your group had already explained why you weren't on stage and that you were taking the right actions to rehydrate yourself and get better,
"When was the last time you drank anything and don't give us any excuses." Taehyung stared at you waiting for an answer, he knew he'd sounded harsh but you had to make sure you were taking care of yourself.
"This morning when I woke up, I had a cup of tea-"
"I told you to always take a bottle of water everywhere you go, and the stage is full of them why didn't you just-"
"I forgot." You cut him off and he sighed taking your hand in his and trying to remind you all of the important reasons why hydrating was important, especially under the giant stage lights and screaming fans. You could have had a serious accident instead of just a small fainting stage.
"I'm sorry, I promise to try harder." You whispered to him as he handed you a cup of water with a metal straw inside of it.
Jungkook:
You'd been training for the move for weeks and it was finally the day you were going to do it on live TV in front of everyone.
"Are you sure you can do this?" Jungkook asked, his voice laced with worry at the thought of you doing something that could seriously hurt you but you'd done it a million times and promised him that it was easy.
"ArE YoU SuRe YoU cAn Do ThIs?" You playfully mocked but stopped once you saw how seriously worried about it he was, it was the ending move for the dance number you were doing and it would be there for every performance of this song you would have to do.
"Sorry baby, yes I'm sure." You reassured him kissing his cheek as you heard your group name being called out, you were due on stage and didn't have time to put his mind at ease anymore than you had already tried to.
"Trust me!" You yelled as you walked away from him going out towards the stage. Jungkook was going to be watching from the side of the stage like he did every other time you performed on the show. He was always there to support you unless he was away on tour and couldn't make it back in time for something.
"This is it!" The choreography said excitedly to Jungkook as they both watched you closely, you were on your back ready to do the kickflip up onto your feet. The beat dropped and you kicked up landing on your feet and stumbling a little, you nailed it though and the music cut as the cameras moved away. As soon as the cameras dropped so did you, your body hit the floor and Jungkook screamed rushing over to you to see what was going on.
(X)
"It was nothing, I got up a little too fast." You said as Jungkook walked into the room, the medic that was on site had just come by to check you over.
"It looked awesome though!" Your maknae yelled but stopped once he saw the death glare that he was getting from a worried-looking Jungkook,
"I thought you could do it-"
"I did do it." You corrected him taking a sip of the water in front of you and staring at him, he didn't look happy that you were trying to get out of having this conversation with him.
"Look. I got up too quick from the kick but I'm fine, the medic said I should take it slower next time and it'll be fine." You told him but he was still going to worry about it every time you did the move, scared you'd do what you did just then and pass out you could read his facial expressions so easily so you took his hand in yours to reassure him that everything would be fine in the future but it wasn't going to stop him from worrying about it. Nothing would he loved you too much for anything to happen to you.
Tagline:
@writingdreamsnottragedies @snowy-meowl @jooniesdarlingdimples @lynnthevirgo @lyoongx @mitzwinchester @fan-ati--c @callingmyangel @rjsmochii @kneel-begyourpardon @taestannie @innersooya
#bts#bts x reader#bts x you#bts x y/n#bts reaction#bts reactions#seokjin#seokjin x reader#kim seokjin#jin#min yoongi#yoongi#yoongi x reader#suga#jhope#jung hoseok#hoseok#hoseok x reader#kim namjoon#namjoon#namjoon x reader#park jimin#jimin#jimin x reader#kim taehyung#taehyung#taehyung x reader#jeon jungkook#jungkook#jungkook x reader
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Niall Horan: Live at The Royal Albert Hall
While some may argue that too few artists have done their bit to raise awareness for the people of the music industry who since March 2020 have been forced to stop practicing their profession, one artist who has stepped up to the plate is singer-songwriter and former One Direction star, Niall Horan. Joining forces with the crew-led organisation, We Need Crew, on 7 November 2020, the singer welcomed fans from around the globe to bear witness to a one-off performance from the eerily empty Royal Albert Hall, with all profits going to his touring family and technical entertainment charity, Backup.
In the lead up to the livestream, Horan could be found on almost every television network, promoting the show and explaining why the performance required the attention of all music lovers. In his own words: “I’m putting on this gig to raise awareness of the immense value they bring to an industry enjoyed by so many and do something to help them and their families. I ask all my fans to support them with me and buy a ticket if you can, and I encourage all artists to do the same.”
With several weeks passing since both artist and crew took over the RAH, TPi caught up with the crew behind the project and to get their thoughts on this very special event.
PRODUCTION ORIGINS…
“I remember it was a Monday morning when I got the call from Karen [Ringland] and Alice [Martin], who explained the concept of We Need Crew,” reminisced Ant Carr, Head of Production for Modest! Management. Both founders of We Need Crew explained to Carr that the goal of We Need Crew is, in association with #WeMakeEvents, to raise money for touring professionals who have fallen on hard times due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
“What really appealed about their organisation was that it was created by crew, for crew,” Carr said. “Around the same time, I was having conversations with Niall, who had already seen a few peers doing livestream performances, and we discussed the idea of performing in an iconic venue to raise awareness for the plight of the industry.”
With these two conversions in mind, Carr began to pull the pieces of would become Horan’s streamed performance together, as well as a big launch for the We Need Crew campaign. Carr and the rest of the Modest! team got to work reforming his touring family, whose album cycle had been stopped prematurely in March 2020.
“We were in LA when everything began shutting down,” stated Carr, who explained how he and the rest of the crew were in their last few weeks of promo before heading into rehearsals for Horan’s world tour. “We were finishing up a week on James Corden when the announcement came that the borders were due to be shut, so we all had to head back to the UK pretty quickly.”
After several months with no work, both Carr and the rest of the crew were all enthusiastic about getting back together to put on a very special performance. “In many ways, it was like we had never been away,” explained Production Manager, Andy Colby. “There was a part of me that thought it might have been a bit strange with it being so long since we worked together, but 30 minutes into the first rehearsal at SW19, it was like we had just got off the plane from LA.”
Colby was one of many familiar faces from Horan’s touring family who got the call to help with the livestream, alongside several technical suppliers including Wigwam and midnight:lights. KB Event provided a Megacube Artic for rehearsals in SW19 along with a Tech Kit for the show, oversaw by Lead Driver, Steve Crawley. Pulse Films and promoter, Driift were brought into the fold to make the event a reality.
In total, some 127,000 tickets for the performance were sold to 151 countries. “The response we had from fans was fantastic,” enthused Carr. “The funds raised are going to be able to help a good number of touring crew and their families and we kept this in the forefront of our mind in all aspects of the show.”
Carr was also quick to complement the attitude of the man in front of the camera. “Niall was very involved in every step of the process. He really gained a full grasp of the situation and during the promotion of the show, he really wanted to educate the public, and his fanbase, about what was going on in the sector.”
SETTING THE STAGE…
A few weeks from the broadcast date, a small group visited the Royal Albert Hall to make a start on planning how the show would come together. Lighting and Show Designer, Emma Bull and Director, Paul Dugdale led the creative vision. The livestream began with Horan performing a song on the piano on the venue’s stage, before walking down to the centre of the room to play the rest of the show in 360° in the centre of the hall. A top priority for the visual team was putting both Niall and the venue in the spotlight.
Bull elaborated: “Although several dance shows utilise the centre of the room, Paul’s Dugdale’s suggestion to do this for a music act felt fresh and was a strong starting point for the design,” she noted. “Having Niall and the band in the centre gave us a few options to really show off the building and take advantage of the fact the whole space was empty.”
One of her design ideas to make use of the space was to fill the empty boxes of the hall with lights. “It really ‘shined a light’ on the fact that there was nobody in the space,” she commented.
Aiding her in both the programming and running the show was Richard White of midnight:lights. “In total, we built 114 bespoke plinths for the audience boxes,” he stated. “On these sat a combination of Robe LED Beam 150s and Robe Spiiders.” The arrangement of these fixtures and boxes created a 360° backdrop of the central stage, with fixtures focussed into the room as well as back on themselves to flood the boxes.
The other key lighting elements included three Robe BMFL Robospots for keylight, which were placed in the venue’s gallery level. “We kept most of the control of these at the console with it being a 360° shoot,” stated White. “We were then able to shift the keylight/backlight across the fixtures as the camera tracked.” Around the central stage, the lighting team deployed SGM Q2s to provide some glowing footlights, along with Litepanel Gemini Softlights for Niall’s microphone position. “From the beginning, I knew I didn’t want there to be any rigging or trussing in the shot,” explained Bull. “We didn’t want anything to distract from the key elements of the shot – Niall and venue – to produce a clean look.” This is also why the visual department moved away from the idea of a backdrop and instead showed off the immensity of the famed venue.
Aiding both Bull and White in their endeavours was Lighting Programmer, Dan Young. In the lead up to the show, both Young and White spent several days in the previs suite at midnight:lights using Syncronorm Depence² to plan the show. “I have worked with both Dan and Richard several times and they have a great understanding of my aesthetic,” praised Bull. “I like things to be quite static in terms of colour palette with refined looks.” During the show, White oversaw the key lighting with Young programming all the moves. This gave Bull the freedom to act as a go-between between both the lighting and the stage to ensure the integrity of the design for the broadcast.
“The main challenge for this show was to provide consistent lighting over the different shooting styles,” mused White. “On one hand, we needed to have soft beauty lighting for close-up shots and steadycam work, but we also needed to make sure that the stage was physically as clear as possible for all the wide room shots and overhead wire-cam.” To add a level of accuracy, most of the live show was programmed to timecode because the visual team were situated outside of the room during the shoot.
LIGHTS, CAMERA, LIVESTREAM…
Jim Parsons was brought in by Pulse Films to assume the role of Producer. “By the time I got involved, the concept had already been fairly well developed by Emma Bull and Paul Dugdale,” Parsons began. “From my side, it was a case of getting all the video and visual elements and working out some of logistics of how we’d get the event to the finish line.”
Parsons has collaborated with Horan several times over the years. “The fact he came from the TV world means he has much more of a grasp than many of his peers of what goes into this style of performance and how to connect with fans through a camera,” he enthused.
Speaking a few weeks after the event took place, Parsons reflected on what he and the team achieved with the livestream. “We always knew we had an opportunity to do something different with this show,” he commented. “The end resulted was big and beautiful, but it was still ‘live’. It had the feel of a real show and didn’t come across prescriptive or dull.”
Parsons went on to describe the collaboration between himself and Driift, having worked together several times during 2020 on shows for Kylie Minogue and Sleaford Mods. “Ric Salmon and the rest of the Driift team are the kind of broadcasters I really like collaborating with in that they just let you get on with your work,” stated Parsons plainly. “They were obviously interested in the initial conversations and in the creative, but once it was all in place, they left us to it.”
Driift CEO, Ric Salmon offered his two cents on the project. “The fact that Niall ended up selling 127,000 tickets for the event is such a huge achievement, made all the better as it was all for such an amazing cause,” he stated. Unsurprisingly, 2020 was a busy year for Driift as the company offered livestreaming solutions for several artists. “There are almost too many benefits with this format of show,” stated Salmons while discussing the progression of livestreaming solutions that have only expanded in the past few years. “As we move forward, I think you’ll find more people opting for this style of event over, say, music videos,”
Parsons described what it was like working in the RAH. “It’s a beautiful venue, but we have all seen it thousands of times and there’s no denying that making it look different is quite a challenge. So, hats have to go off to the visual team for making this livestream look so unique.”
A Luna Remote System Junior 5 Telescopic remote compact dolly on a circular track along with a Dactylcam Pro point-to-point wire camera system captured the magic of the livestream. The spanned the periphery of central stage to present virtual audiences with a 360° view.
Camera Supervisor and joint Owner of Luna Remote Systems, Dean Clish discussed what it meant to be involved in such a prestigious show. “It was an honour to be involved in Niall’s show,” he commented. “It was for such a great cause and it’s always good to be in the Royal Albert Hall – you can’t go wrong with such a beautiful location.”
He continued to discuss why the camera selection was ideal for this type of performance. “The Junior 5 and the Dactylcam Pro are perfect for this kind of shoot because of the need to socially distance and, of course, with this sort of intimate production, they are both really unobtrusive and discreet systems,” he explained. “We’ve rigged the Dactylcam in the Royal Albert Hall before. It’s a brilliant system to use in there as you can really capture the essence of the hall from a height, in flight, in a way that you can’t with static systems.”
SOUNDING OUT…
The production brought back the audio double act of FOH Engineer, Matthew Kettle and Monitor Engineer, Joe Campbell to oversee the mix for the livestream and the band on stage. Having started working with Horan on his first solo album cycle, Kettle gave an overview of his time with the artist. “I didn’t really know what to expect before I’d heard the debut record and, as I was more known for working with rock music, I wasn’t sure I’d be the right fit,” he commented. However, with Horan’s solo music citing influences including Fleetwood Mac and Bruce Springsteen, the Engineer explained how it had been a fruitful partnership over the past three years. “Niall is really quite involved with the audio production and often during rehearsals will listen to the mixes to get a feel of what is being produced.”
Having been put on a hiatus since the tour’s cancellation in March, Kettle described what it was like to pull the pieces back together for the tour. “It’s really quite a different process producing a mix for a livestream compared to a live show,” he mused. “I have always had massive respect for broadcast engineers as it is such a different craft. When you’re mixing live in a venue, if anything goes wrong, you can fix it for the next performance. However, with a broadcast, everything is under much more of a microscope and under a great deal of scrutiny. Not only that, but you only have one shot at a show.”
Kettle explained that once he and the team entered rehearsals, they soon found their rhythm. “The approach to mixing was not too dissimilar to what we had already been working on for the tour. Just like the visual department, we didn’t want the production to be too flashy, aiming to simply reflect the intimacy of the performance without too much embellishment,” he commented.
For this reason, both Kettle and Campbell virtually replicated their audio setups they had planned to use for the world tour, featuring two DiGiCo SD5 consoles for monitors and FOH, along with Shure Axient Handhelds with Sennheiser 2000 Series IEMs, d&b audiotechnik wedges and a V-Series for side fills.
The console setup was not significantly different from the touring configuration, with multiple inputs from various SD-Racks in different parts of the stage and performance areas going to the broadcast SD5, all connected by an Opticore loop and shared with Campbell’s SD5 in monitor world. “The SD5 is my favourite console in the world,” said Campbell. “I love it and, because DiGiCo products are well proven and rock solid reliable, we rarely have to include them directly in what we do.” Cambpell was initially concerned in the lead up to the show, having not touched a desk since March. “Thankfully, Wigwam had kept the desks in pristine condition – so much so that our show files were even still loaded on the desk from the tour. This saved a great deal of time in rehearsals and certainly made it easier to get back into the saddle.”
Campbell was keen to replicate the same stage setup for Niall and the band. “During the tour, although he uses IEMs, I still have a wedge and side fills just in case he wants to take out his ears to hear the crowd,” he explained. “Even though it was a livestream with no audience, I wanted the show to feel as familiar as possible for him and the band.”
Despite a relatively “meat and potatoes” band setup, Campbell had just under 100 inputs on his desk – the result of several reverb returns and an elaborate talkback system. “Each one of the band members have a talkback mic so throughout the performance they can talk to one another and me,” he noted.
Meanwhile, Kettle’s ‘FOH’ position was slightly further away, setting up in a corridor off from the main hall. “Wigwam prepared an acoustic treatment kit so I sat at the desk with several studio monitors to mix the show and then sent my audio feed to the Pulse team,” stated Kettle. “Before going into the RAH, I was concerned with how the room would react with no audience in there to dampen the sound, but from the first sound check it sounded fantastic.”
Discussing Wigwam’s involvement with the project, Tom Bush commented: “We were all extremely proud to be supplying Niall’s livestream, especially as it was addressing the We Need Crew and #WeMakeEvents funds and highlighting what goes into putting on a production with the unseen and behind-the-scenes rolls.”
Bush went on to explain the approach to this type of performance: “A slightly different thought process can be needed – the standard positions for mixing, for example. The package wasn’t too dissimilar to the one we had ready for the world tour, so we had a good starting point. A few additions and tweaks were needed to adhere to the show setup, but Matt and Joe’s attention to detail made sure the process was smooth. The need for trucks full of PA hasn’t been required yet, but soon hopefully. We currently have a few livestreams pencilled in that we’re all looking forward to.”
#WENEEDCREW…
Looking back at the slew of 2020 livestreamed performances, Niall Horan stands out among the crowd, not only for its aesthetic, but because of everything it represented – not to mention the sizeable pot of funds it raised for the live events industry.
As we enter a new year with the live events sector entrenched in the clutches of the COVID-19 pandemic, the hope is that more musicians will follow in Horan’s footsteps to shine the spotlight on hardworking crew members that are so often out of sight and mind to the average live music lover. In the meantime, more information regarding the We Need Crew initiative can be found on www.weneedcrew.co.uk
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2011 pt.II
July 1st:
Selena's new film Monte Carlo is officially released in theatres and Justin tweets out his support:
Justin: "Everyone go see @/selenagomez movie #montecarlo in theatres NOW"
*tweet here (x)
July 11th:
Justin and Selena are spotted/joined by fans singing karaoke at Lucky Strike Lanes in LA - one fan tweeted he was partying with the couple.
The two took to the microphone for an impromptu duet of Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow’s “Picture” and shared a kiss after their performance.
Videos later surfaced (x)
July 13th:
Justin and Selena attend The ESPY Awards together held at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles.
July 17th:
Justin and Selena crash a wedding in Malibu, California
TMZ reports:
According to our sources at the wedding, Justin and Selena were strolling on the beach when they heard Justin's song "One Less Lonely Girl" playing at the reception -- inside the historic and shi shi Adamson House.
We're told Justin snuck up on some guests -- who predictably OMG'd and LOL'd -- and then hopped on the mic, saying: "We just crashed it. We heard a party so we decided to just come. So let's party."
They only stayed for about 10 minutes to pose for pics -- including some with the happy couple -- and then bolted.
youtube
July 20th:
Justin visits Selena at a Hollywood studio while she rehearses for her upcoming tour
July 22nd:
Justin and Selena are spotted together shopping on her birthday - he posted a photo of the two on Instagram and tweeted:
“Happy Birthday @SelenaGomez gonna be a special day.”
*tweet here (x)
instagram
July 24th:
Selena's We Own the Night World Tour begins tonight in Costa Mesa, California - Justin surprises her at the show and joins the stage to perform Justin Timberlake's Cry Me A River
He later tweets that night:
“@selenagomez u did great tonight. proud of u”
*full performance video here (x)
July 26th:
Justin and Selena are photographed out for lunch at Hooters in Burbank, California:
“Justin and Selena came in at about noon for lunch,”
“They were both really polite and signed a few autographs. They were both super-friendly and made the most adorable couple!”
July 28th:
Justin attends another one of Selena’s shows with friend Sean Kingston in Boca Raton Florida.
He posts a photo to his Instagram wearing her tour merch
*article here (x)
August 2nd:
Rumors began circulating that Justin and Selena may have broken up after a YouTube video went viral declaring that Selena found flirty texts Justin sent to his ex Jasmine - E!News later shot this down
Selena performs in Atlanta Georgia and Justin’s friends Alfredo and Carin attend the show. Justin tweets:
“ATL show @selenagomez love tonight! @alfredoflores and @carinmb are in the building i heard. #Beasts!”
*E! article here (x) / tweet here (x)
August 6th:
Alfredo posts a photo of him, Justin, Selena to Instagram captioned: “swimming with the boys :)” while Justin adds a photo of himself to Selena’s Instagram
August 7th:
Justin and Selena attend the 2011 Teen Choice Awards together and were super affectionate throughout the entire ceremony - Justin danced through Selena's performance of Love You Like A Love Song and cheered her on as she accepted her 5 awards
youtube
August 13th:
Justin and Selena are spotted in an Apple Store in Rosemont Illinois, while she's in town for tour
August 18th:
Justin and Selena attend a pool party and are photographed kissing - Justin also uploads a photo of the two on instagram captioned:
“my babbyyyy”
instagram
August 19th:
Justin and Selena are photographed as they picked up a smoothie from Smoothie King in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where she performs later that evening on tour
During Selena’s soundcheck performance in Philadelphia, a fan shouts out asking for her phone number, Selena replies:
“I don’t think my boyfriend would like that”
*full video here (x)
August 20th:
Selena had “JB” written on her right hand and “I love you” on her left wrist during her concert in New Jersey
August 21st:
Justin and Selena are spotted walking in Hershey Park theme park, in Pennsylvania
August 23rd:
Justin and Selena are photographed out and about with Alfredo, Ryan and Kenny in Toronto, Ontario
August 25th:
Justin announces that he would be releasing his first Christmas album and second studio album later in 2011 -
His manager Scooter Braun and vocal producer Kuk Harrell confirmed a week later that Justin had collaborated with Sean Kingston and Taylor Swift and had also worked with producers The Messengers.
August 28th:
Justin and Selena attend MTV Video Music Awards together where Selena was a co-host for the pre-show - Selena interviewed Justin in the arrivals hall at the awards ceremony where the two were very affectionate sharing kisses, Selena telling Justin:
'Thank you so much. Thank you for hanging out, babe.'
Justin also hugged Selena onstage as he accepted the award for Best Male Video
September 2nd:
Selena watches while Justin plays basketball and cheers in the background
*video here (x)
September 9th:
Justin talks with Women's Wear Daily for an interview and mentions that he's dating Selena:
WWD: You told one of the kids earlier that you’re still friendly with Selena.
JB: She’s amazing. She’s my girlfriend right now.
WWD: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
JB: [Visibly counting] Well, by 25 or 26, I want to see myself, like, married or start looking for a family. I want to be a young dad. I want to be able to have done what I wanted to do — to be successful, to do a movie or whatever. But if the time is right, I definitely want to be married by 25.
One thing — I’m not looking to get married now.
*full interview (x)
September 10th:
Justin and Selena spotted out for lunch in Las Vegas, where Selena performs that evening - they later attend the shows after-party with DJ Taf
September 14th:
Justin and Selena visit the old-set of Wizards of Waverly Place
September 15th:
Justin and Selena attend “The Abduction” premiere at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Los Angeles - Selena gets boo’d (?) by fans as she walks the red carpet.
September 16th:
Justin are Selena are photographed having lunch and doing a bit of shopping at a mall in Los Angeles
September 17th:
Justin and Selena are seen arriving to LAX Airport departing to Atlanta - later that evening, they attend Georgia Music Hall of Fame with Usher and Justin performs and was honored with the Horizon Award at the 33rd Annual Georgia Music Hall of Fame Awards.
*article here (x)
September 18th:
Justin and Selena went to watch the Atlanta Falcons play the Philadelphia Eagles at the Georgia Dome. Justin tweeted photos of themselves kissing on the way to the game.
While leaving the game, Selena is filmed slapping Justin, suggesting they may have been fighting
instagram
*full article here (x) full video here (x)
September 19th:
Selena attends The Jay Leno Show where she performs Love You Like A Love Song. Justin came to support Selena and was photographed with her backstage
Selena has a cute interview backstage with Bryan following her performance, Bryan points out that Selena brought Justin:
Selena: “I did. He’s sweet. Everybody’s taking pictures with him right now,”
After her interview, the camera flashes to Justin chatting with Simon Cowell. Before the couple say bye to Simon, Justin grabs Selena’s hip and tells Simon:
Justin: “I’ll look after her.”
*full article here (x)
September 20th:
Justin uploads a photo of him hugging Selena while deplaning a jet onto Instagram.
Justin and Selena are also spotted in the park taking staged photos with 6 babies (?) in which Justin also later uploads to his instagram captioned:
"Brangelina 2.0 hahahahahaha"
instagram
instagram
September 21st:
Justin and Selena attend LA Zoo together
September 23rd:
Selena and Justin are photographed on a PDA filled beach stroll in Malibu California
*Daily Mail article / photos (x)
September 23rd:
Selena and Justin attend Demi Lovato’s concert together held at the Nokia Centre in Los Angeles
After the show, Justin surprises Selena by renting out The Staples Centre arena for a private, exclusive dinner date and movie screening of Titanic:
"The teen supercouple arrived at the empty, 20,000-seat arena, where the lights had been dimmed; on the court floor was a table set for two with candles.
After the meal — steak and pasta, catered by the Lexus club — the couple enjoyed a private screening of Titanic. (The "Baby" singer apparently got the idea from the Adam Sandler flick Mr. Deeds, in which Sandler's character surprises his girlfriend, played by Winona Ryder, with a similar gesture at NYC's Madison Square Garden.)
And TMZ reports that Bieber paid nothing for the big date: The Staples Center comped the evening as thanks for Bieber's recent sold out concerts there."
*UsWeekly article here (x) *justin's tweet (x)
September 25th:
Justin’s best friend Alfredo posts instagram photo of him, Justin, Selena on private jet:
"BOOM BOOM POW! @/JustinBieber @/SelenaGomez -- see the creeper?"
*alfredo's tweet / photo (x)
September 28th:
Selena joins Justin in Franklin Tennessee on the set of his music video shoot for a song off his upcoming Chrismtas album, Under the Mistletoe.
Justin tweets:
“video shoot today for christmas album. #mistletoe”
September 30th:
Justin begins the Latin American leg of his My World Tour, beginning this evening in Monterrey Mexico and concluding October 19th in Caracas Venezuela.
Selena was judging a Disney Channel show with Sean Kingston when she met Ben Baller, the man who made Justin's grill. According to Ben, Selena wasn’t too stoked about meeting him originally, but then she concocted an idea to prank Justin, which he wrote about on his blog:
“Selena says ‘ohhhh I don’t like you! you’re the one who made Justin’s grill huh?’ I said yeah….. does he wear it?’ Selena said ‘YES! he definitely wears it! (stone face towards me) and I’m thinking to myself like damn…. she’s actually really sweet though, I can tell lol… so She says let’s play a prank on Justin…. and I agreed (why not right?) let’s take a pic and then send the guys the pic and under it say ‘guess who’s getting a grill?'”
“I didn’t say it was a joke or anything… a few hours later, I get a text from Justin saying ‘call me’ and I’m like…. damn, he’s gonna be mad or tell me to take it down….”
“He says ‘cmon bro. is she really getting a grill? (I’ve talked to him enough on the phone to know his voice and different sounds, from regular to really happy) and he was definitely concerned like ‘please say it’s a joke’…. so I’m thinking to myself, like damn, I know in the last 3 hours he’s had to have talked to his girl and he had to ask her…. I can’t believe she’s really stringing this little prank along for so long…. she’s really cool for playing the joke for real! haha”
*article here (x)
October 3rd:
Justin was seen looking for Selena in the airport in Rio de Janeiro because there was an issue with her visa.
Selena had some difficulty getting into Brazil because she didn’t have the correct visa
October 4th:
Justin and Selena take a helicopter ride while exploring Rio de Janeiro, Brazil before he takes the stage tomorrow.
An insider tells told Hollywood Life:
'Justin and Selena are staying at the Copacabana Palace in Rio de Janeiro, which is considered to be the most exclusive hotel in Rio.'
'They are staying in a Penthouse Suite which includes one bedroom with a king-sized bed, a living room, a mini bar and two marble bathrooms with a separate bathtub and shower.'
*Daily Mail article / photos (x)
October 5th:
Selena joins Justin backstage before he takes stage and poses for photos, while Justin tells a reporter he calls Selena “Mamacita” during an interview
After the concert, Justin and Selena were seen out for dinner, clubbing at Copa Club and kissing in the backseat of the car on their way back to the hotel
*DailyMail article here (x)
October 6th:
Selena and Justin are spotted by numerous fans around town before Justin’s second show this evening - that night, Selena joins Justin on stage and they perform Selena’s song Who Says together.
Justin tweeted earlier in the day:
"had a lil fun last night in RIO….show #2 in RIO is 2nite….got some very special guests with me 2nite #mistletoe"
*justin's tweet (x)
youtube
October 7th:
Justin and Selena are photographed boarding their plane as they leave Rio de Janeiro
October 9th:
Justin speaks with New! Magazine for an interview and admits he loves Selena but insists they have no plans to move in together because of their busy careers:
"I wouldn't be with somebody if I wasn't in love,"
"Everybody can see she is hot and that's great, but there is so much more to her than that. She makes me laugh and she puts up with my practical jokes. She has really strong family values as well. We were both raised by our moms in single-parent households, and that's given us a lot of the same family values in life."
"At the moment we're so busy, it's pretty much hotel rooms for me for most of the year. She could be in one part of the world and I could be in the other. We are just a young couple who are enjoying spending time with each other. But we both took time off last month and it was just really cool to be able to spend time together and just do normal things like go to the beach and have dinner together."
*full article here (x) and (x)
October 9th:
Justin gives a radio interview with 97.5 Fanatic Philadelphia:
Interviewer: What’s up with you and Selena man?
Justin: Well she’s on tour right now, so yeah.
Interviewer: Is this an official hookup?
Justin: Y‘know, I like to keep some of my private life to myself.
Interviewer: Well it’s already out there.
Justin: I know I mean it’s pretty obvious, but I don’t really like to talk about it.
Interviewer: I got you, you wanna keep it a private relationship - but how’d you swing that? It’s tough to get that break through line.
Justin: Yeah I know, I was pretty shocked myself. She’s very beautiful.
Interviewer: So how’d you make the approach? Did someone put you two together or what?
Justin: We started as friends like 2 years ago, so we were just friends for a long time - that’s how it happened.
October 12th:
Selena tweets a photo she added to instagram, of her eating Tim Hortons in Canada:
“Canada.. I missed you. But @justinbieber misses you more.”
*selena's tweet here (x)
October 17th:
Justin's song Mistletoe, the first single off his Christmas album, is officially released - Selena posted a photo of the song to her Instagram captioned:
“Finally it’s out.. Did y’all buy it?”
October 18th:
Justin performs the last show of his My World Tour this evening in Carasova Venezuela
October 20th:
Selena and Justin are spotted walking around The Forks shopping area in Winnipeg, Canada. Selena has the night off from her We Own the Night World Tour, but has a performance in the city tomorrow.
Insiders confirm that her and Justin are staying at the luxury boutique hotel Inn at the Forks in Winnipeg.
That evening, Justin again rents out an entire movie theatre for a date with Selena -he arranged for a screening room at the SilverCity Polo Park Cinemas to be kept empty so he and Selena could watch Real Steel' in private, and also rranged for pizzas to be delivered to the cinema for him and Selena to feast on during the movie.
A source at the venue said: "They made sure to keep everything really under wraps and private. He was really polite and they both thanked everyone before they left."
Justin uploads a photo of him and Selena in the theatre to Instagram captioned "me and my besty watching a movie"
*full article here (x)
instagram
October 21st:
Selena plays at the MTS Centre this evening in Winnipeg Manitoba, while on her We Own The Night World Tour.
Her and Justin stopped by Winnipeg's D'Arcy's Animal Rescue Centre for a visit and played with the dogs for over an hour - there were rumours that Selena took a pup with her
Justin and Selena are spotted by various fans throughout the day while out exploring Winnipeg, including Tim Hortons, and Speedworld Indoor Kart Track along with friend Ashley Cook
*full article here (x)
October 22nd:
Justin takes Selena to a hockey game to watch his favourite team, the Winnipeg Jets, from a private suite at the MTS Centre wearing matching jerseys with their names emblazoned across the backs. According to onlookers, they spent most of the game kissing and cuddling one another.
After the game, the two physically took to the ice both wearing Jets jerseys - after circling the ice a few times holding hands, Selena didn't skate much at all, preferring to watch Justin take shots at net.
*full article here (x)
youtube
October 24rd:
Selena is in London, Ontario for her We Own The Night World Tour and was seen carrying puppy Baylor around backstage before her concert wearing a Baylor University sweatshirt.
*photo here (x)
October 24th-October 29th(?):
Selena’s tour continues through October 30th in Canada and Justin remains with her for most of the dates - sometime throughout this period, they visited and spent time with Justin's family and are photographed together carving pumpkins and eating pie.
October 25th:
Its been reported that Selena and Justin have adopted a puppy together from D'Arcy's ARC while in Winnipeg, Canada:
“I was told that [Selena] was missing the dogs that she has at home,” the shelter’s CEO told People. “I wasn’t expecting her to adopt a dog while she was on tour.”
*full article here (x)
October 27th:
Justin sat down with Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush while promoting his new Christmas album, “Under the Mistletoe,” and chatted about Selena’s new puppy and their private movie theatre date
Baylor:
“She saw this dog, and she fell in love with it. She was like, ‘I need to have it!’ We just went to the shelter just to look around. Turns out, she brought one home. It was kind of like she just saw the dog, and it kept going to her, I don’t think the dog really likes me that much. I think he’s on tour with her right now,”
Movies:
“If I go into a movie theatre and everyone’s not looking at the movie and looking at us, it’s kind of like awkward, I’m looking at the movie and everyone’s looking at me. It’s like I’m the movie or something.”
*full article here (x)
October 28th:
Justin appears on Jay Leno and talks about Selena - she is in attendance and her and Justin pose for photos backstage
November 1st:
Justin’s Christmas album “Under The Mistletoe” is officially released today - he begins shooting the Fa La La Music video with Boys II Men and Selena joins him on set posing for photos together.
Later that evening, a tabloid story about Justin began circulating online:
A 20-year old woman named Mariah Yeater has filed a paternity suit against Justin on October 31st, alleging that he fathered her child after a brief backstage tryst at Justin’s October 2010 L.A Staples Centre concert. The paternity suit was reportedly filed on October 31st in a California court.
*Mariah Yeater article here (x)
November 2nd:
Justin on appears on On Air With Ryan Seacrest to promote his new Christmas album “Under The Mistletoe” and he mentions Selena's newly adopted dog Baylor
He also later appears on POWER106 FM during his “Under The Mistletoe” promo, rapping an Otis freestyle referencing Selena:
“my girl says I’m perfect she just loves an imperfect person perfectly, personally I think she is perfectly perfect"
Later that day Justin tweets alluding to the Mariah accusations:
“all the rumors...the gossip....Im gonna focus on the positives....the music."
*POWER106 video here (x) tweet here (x)
November 3rd: '
Selena was photographed arriving to LAX Airport in Los Angeles, heading to Belfast to meet Justin, and was all smiles.
Meanwhile, the Mariah Yeater rumours have not settled down whatsoever as the tabloids continue and Mariah continues to give interviews
*DailyMail article here (x) AnythingDiz photos here (x)
November 4th:
Justin gives an interview to Today Show to dismiss Mariah Yeater’s claims and says he's never even met her:
“I would just like to say that none of those allegations are true.”
“I know I’m going to be a target, but I’m never going to be a victim,” Justin added.
“It’s crazy, because every night after the show I’ve gone right from the stage right to my car. So it’s crazy that some people want to make up such false allegations.”
A statement released by Justin’s publicist on Wednesday said his lawyers had not seen the suit reportedly filed by Yeater, but said:
“it’s sad that someone would fabricate, malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false claims. We will vigorously pursue all available legal remedies to defend and protect Justin against these allegations.”
Rumors begin circulating that Selena and Justin have split in light of the Mariah Yeater allegations - late Friday afternoon, it was reported Selena had dumped Justin in the wake of the scandal.
*Today Show article here (x)
November 5th:
Justin and Selena have not split up, a rep for Selena told Access Hollywood and USWeekly on Friday night.
A source close to Justin also shot down rumors of the split on Friday night, telling Access that there was no truth to the rumors and the couple is still heading to Europe together this weekend for the MTV Europe Music Awards in Belfast where Justin will be performing at the show while Selena will be the host.
*AccessHollywood article here (x) UsWeekly article here (x)
November 5th:
Justin and Selena wave to fans as they arrive together at the Merchant Hotel in Belfast, Northern Ireland.
Later that evening, Justin and Selena are later photographed together hand-in-hand arriving at the MTV Voices Dinner.
"Justin and Selena could not keep their eyes off each other for the whole night," a dinner source told Us. "They were very much in love and didn't show any signs of stress or strain in their relationship."
Justin, who was receiving an award for his charity work, tweeted after the event:
"I know what it is like to not have alot...so it feels great to be in a position to #giveback. thanks to everyone helping me"
*photos here (x) UsWeekly article here (x)
November 6th:
TMZ reports from sources directly connected with Justin that he will happily take a DNA test in two weeks when he returns to the United States to prove he is not Mariah Yeater's baby daddy -- and after that, him and his team are going after her in court.
Selena hosts the MTV Europe Music Awards in Belfast, North Ireland this evening while Justin is set to perform at the event. After the ceremony, they attend LMFAO'S after-party and are photographed together at the event
*TMZ article here (x) photos here (x) / tweets here (x) (x) (x)
November 7th:
Justin and Selena are photographed after their private tour of Chelsea FC’s football ground in London on Monday morning
It's been reported that Justin gifted Selena $27k diamond bracelet and surprised her with it just before she took the stage to present at last night’s MTV EMA’s
*full article here (x) photos here (x)
November 8th:
Justin and Selena stop by NRJ Radio station Paris, France for an interview while Justin is promoting his Christmas album
Later that afternoon, Justin and Selena are photographed together hand-in-hand after a lunch date at Paris's L'Avenue restaurant
And that evening they were photographed on a dinner date
*DailyMail article (x) dinner photo (x)
November 9th:
Selena and Justin are photographed shopping while in Paris
Justin posts a photo of him and Selena on Instagram at Disneyland Paris with the caption:
“thank god above for my very own christmas love”
November 11th:
Justin and Selena hold hands as they head back to their car after visiting a television studio in Madrid, Spain
Selena has been joining Justin on his European promo tour for Under The Mistletoe.
Selena tweets that her puppy Baylor is sick and needs surgery.
*full article here (x) tweet here (x)
November 12th:
Selena and Justin are spotted leaving KISS FM Radio station together in London
*DailyMail article (x)
November 16th:
Selena’s music video for Hit The Lights is officially released and premieres on VEVO
TMZ reports thatMariah Yeater officially dismisses paternity lawsuit:
"The suit was quietly dismissed late last week and Mariah Yeater's lawyers, Lance Rogers and Matt Pare, have withdrawn from the case.
As we first reported, Justin not only planned to take a DNA test when he returned to the U.S., he was going to sue Yeater and her lawyers for making a bogus claim. And, as we reported, Justin's lawyer, Howard Weitzman, called the attorneys and informed them a suit was looming.
The paternity lawsuit left Mariah Yeater open to a possible charge of statutory rape, because Justin was only 16 years old at the time of her claims."
*TMZ article here (x)
November 17th:
Justin does the radio interview circuit today while in New York City in promotion of his album Under The Mistletoe:
Justin sits down with 92.3 NY for a radio interview and was asked about Mariah Yeater's claims, getting serious with Selena, and what Usher thinks of them.
They first speak about Mariah Yeater and the texts she sent her friend begging him to erase evidence/text messages that admit her son's dad is someone else, promising to give him a cut of the action when she gets paid.
*full video interview here (x)
Justin sat down for an exclusive interview at the Elvis Duran Morning Show at Z100 Studio where they replayed him an interview he gave back in 2009 saying while he thought Selena was pretty, he didn't *like* her.
Justin, blushing, tells Elvis:
"My life is pretty good right now, and she's just another blessing”
*full video interview here (x)
Justin appears on The Breakfast Club Power 105.1 for an interview and talks about his Staples Centre date with Selena and how that came about
(the interviewers are pretty inappropriate to him the entire time tbh)
*full video interview here (x)
November 17th:
Mariah Yeater sent a text Wednesday to a friend, begging him to erase an incriminating text in which her mom says someone OTHER than Justin Bieber is the baby daddy, and then promising to give him a cut of the action when she scores a payday.
*TMZ article here (x)
November 20th:
Justin and Selena attend The AMA’s together in Los Angeles and walk the red carpet, arriving and departing to and from the event in a white vintage Packard Super 8.
UsWeekly reported Justin serenaded Selena during AMA rehearsals:
"At one point Justin even sang 'I Feel Good' a la James Brown. They were totally adorable. They were snuggling in between takes, and he was serenading her! They look as in love as ever."
Selena and Alfredo were filmed dancing during Justin's performance
*DailyMail article here (x)
November 21st:
Justin and Selena went out for breakfast at iHOP, the restaurant where they were first spotted holding hands last December, with their one year anniversary right around the corner — they smiled for the cameras as they walked hand-in-hand out of the restaurant in Los Angeles.
“Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez had breakfast here at about 11 a.m. They were here for about one hour. They both seemed very happy and hungry. Selena had the double blueberry pancakes and Justin had two fried eggs, two waffles, bacon and potatoes. They left a very generous tip that was double the amount of their bill and said Happy Thanksgiving before they left!”
*full article here (x)
November 22nd:
Justin is photographed in the audience of Taylor Swift’s concert in New York City where he watched Selena and Taylor performing “Who Says” together
*photo here (x)
November 23rd:
Justin appears on The View to promote his album and he talks about Selena
*full video here (x) timestamp 2:33
November 23rd:
Justin appears on The Late Show with David Letterman and talks about Selena
*full video here (x) timestamp 8:45
November 25th:
Justin plays “Who Says” on Sirius XM while he was DJing songs “he was grateful for in 2011” (aired on the 25th)
November 25th:
Justin and Selena spent Thanksgiving in Selena's home town, Dallas, Texas, with Selena's family.
They went to watch The Muppets at the Landmark Magnolia Pictures Theater, after spending Thanksgiving with Selena’s family.
“It was just the two of them, they watched the movie with the general public. They were both incredibly polite and low profile.”
“Not too many people realized they were there because they came into the screening while the trailers were running,” the insider explains. “It was dark and people didn’t see them. When they came to the theatre complex, they were both holding hands. They looked really down to earth and very happy!”
November 29th:
Fans spot and photograph Justin and Selena hugging and walking around in Utah with Jaden Smith.
The three of them were later photographed by fans ice skating at Park City Mountain Resort, which later a staff member confirmed the photo was taken there:
“Jaden was doing some crazy one-legged stuff, I guess he really thinks he is the Karate Kid. They were laughing and joking with each other. Justin joked with Selena and tried to do a doubles routine at one point. It was all very playful. Everyone was in super great moods.”
*full article / photos here (x)
November 30th:
Selena stops to take photos with fans while ice skating, where you can see Justin in the background - the fan later posts it to instagram
December 6th:
Justin and Selena were spotted leaving Los Angeles airport earlier today and landed in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
They were joined by Selena’s mom and stepfather Brian and on route to Selena’s friend Shannon Larossi’s beach side wedding ceremony.
*full article / photos here (x)
December 7th:
While waiting for Selena’s friend’s wedding, Justin and Selena hit up the beach in Cabo San Lucas Mexico and were spotted jet-skiing
*full article / photos here (x)
December 8th:
Selena and Justin attend and are photographed at Shannon’s wedding where Selena was one of the bridesmaids - she and Justin were photographed kissing on the beach
*full article / photos here (x)
December 9th:
Justin and Selena got in more tanning by the pool in Cabo before jetting off to D.C for Justin’s Christmas in Washington performance in Washington
*full article / photos here (x)
December 10th:
Justin and Selena are photographed arriving at Washington National Airport for Justin’s upcoming Christmas In Washington performance at The White House - the two stayed for 3 nights in the Presidential Suite at the Four Seasons Hotel
Justin and Selena visit and surprise the kids at Children's National Medical Center in D.C.Washington - Jacqueline Bowens, Executive VP of External Affairs of Children’s National Medical Center tells HollywoodLife.com exclusively:
“The kids loved them! It was a surprise for them. Justin spent quality time with all of the kids, talked to them, took pictures with them and sang to them. These are kids who are suffering from a range of illnesses such as cancer, blood disorders, orthopedic issues. None of them wants to be in the hospital…so they were beyond happy when Justin and the others arrived for their surprise visit!”
December 11th:
Justin and Selena are spotted out and about in Washington D.C before Justin is set to perform for the president.
Later that evening, Justin performs at the annual "Christmas in Washington" taping at the National Building Museum in Washington, D.C. - although Selena didn’t appear in any of the official event photos, she was spotted in the audience and took photos with fans
*full DailyMail article here (x) / full CBS article here (x)
December 12th:
Mariah Yeater’s ex-boyfriend speaks out, saying Mariah lied to seek $50k pay-day. In an exclusive jailhouse interview with RumorFix, Robert Powell says:
“She lied. We were both homeless and living in Oceanside [California] and Mariah was trying to make some quick money.”
So he says she made up the story and sold it to a tabloid for $50,000.
“She just picked him, because she thought he was famous and all and thought she could get a lot of money by telling the magazine Justin was the father. She just saw him as an opportunity to make a lot of money.”
*full article here (x)
December 14th:
Justin and Selena were seen leaving an event at L.A. Live with Ashley Tisdale in Downtown Los Angeles.
*photos here (x)
December 17th:
Justin and Selena attend Power 106 LA's Cali Christmas bash - Justin joined Drake on stage to perform "Trust Issues" during the show.
Selena abruptly left the venue and headed to be with her family after she received news of a family emergency.
*full article here (x)
December 18th:
Selena’s mom Mandy has tragically suffered a miscarriage - Selena has cancelled her concert after her mother sadly suffered a miscarriage. Citing a family emergency, Selena rushed to her mom, Mandy’s, side to comfort her.
*full article here (x)
December 20th:
Justin visits Selena and her mom Mandy in the hospital - the family are in mourning after Selena’s mother reportedly suffered a miscarriage the week prior
*DailyMail article here (x)
December 30th:
Justin and Selena are spotted at Hooters (not confirmed)
December 31st:
Justin and Selena are both in New York for each of their own work obligations where they are set to perform at - Justin performs in Times Square for 'New Year's Eve Rockin' Eve' and Selena joins Demi Lovato for MTV's live New Year's Eve special.
They meet up after each of their gigs for Justin's private NYE Party
*EW article here (x) / NYE party article here (x)
#jelena#selena gomez#justin bieber#jelena timeline#jelena masterpost#taylor swift#demi lovato#jaden smith#alfredo flores#scooter braun#Youtube#Instagram
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Bin AU Headcanons
Part II of the (〃ω〃) 500 followers! unwritten-headcanon amnesty (some given in response to AO3 comment questions, and others given unsolicited, lol), this time for Out of the Bin and Into Your Heart and from me to you, my heart to yours
Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian
Pre-Wei Wuxian’s first arrest, Lan Wangji was quietly volunteering as general legal aid (helping old migrants with their internet/other service contracts, helping women with their domestic violence paperwork), and then Wei Wuxian gets arrested at a protest and Lan Wangji is not there and he doesn’t know this area of law so he signs up to get involved with Activist Legal Support the next day.
Relatedly: Lan Wangji’s approach to helping Wei Wuxian has always been to turn up, do what needs to be done for Wei Wuxian to achieve his goals and then silently leave again. So when the two goobers eventually move in together (and are finally fully in each other’s space, and fully across each other’s movements), Wei Wuxian goes through a period of constant realisations like “Oh, Lan Zhan, you’re the one who’s been doing this? This as well?! THAT, TOO???”
Pre-fake dating, Lan Wangji knows that Wei Wuxian won’t keep any gifts given by secret admirers, but will shamelessly accept anything that Lan Wangji gives him outright as a friend (”friend”). He derives a petty satisfaction from that, and so has responded more than once to a gift-incident by giving Wei Wuxian a corresponding gift of his own:
So if he heard about the gift socks, he’d go out and get Wei Wuxian a pair of novelty There’s No Planet B! socks, which Wei Wuxian would naturally wear both immediately and proudly with his shortest pair of 4/5ths pants. (And Lan Wangji would stand next to him and somehow radiate smugness without making any change to his expression.)
Needless to say, Wei Wuxian has received a lot of Lan Wangji chocolate (chilli, fairtrade), lunches (homemade, nutritious) and other small items.
Wei Wuxian never even considers the possibility of not putting all his fake-dating eggs into the Lan Zhan basket. And also never stops to think about why that iss.
In re kungfu practice: when sparring against normal people, Lan Wangji does annoyed-leg-sweeps because of “I’ll bring you down every peg to the floor” reasons he’s too well-bred to voice.
Past recipients of this treatment have included:
Wen Chao,
Xue Yang at his most obnoxious
Jin Zixuan when gossip about his comments in re Jiang Yanli not being pretty or successful enough to date him (”I can’t believe my mum set me up with someone so mediocre”) is at its height.
This is pre-Wei Wuxian onstage-punch. That comes during the second round of gossip.
With Wei Wuxian (and only Wei Wuxian), however, it’s always leg sweeps and pinning, which is because of ... “irritation”.
The Phoenix Mountain Reserve photo has been Lan Wangji’s favourite shot of Wei Wuxian since it was made publicly available, but he couldn’t use it as a wallpaper for obvious reasons.
Then he agrees to the fake-dating, sees how far Wei Wuxian was going to take it and realised: chansu!
At some point during the fake-dating, Wei Wuxian escalates from the phone entry of Oppa to calling Lan Wangji “Oppa~!” in real life, and then from there to a full “Oppa! Saranghaeyo~!” with the arms-on-head love heart.
After n iterations of this, Lan Zhan responds with a mirror arms-on-head love heart and a deadpan “Saranghaeyo.” with his face still like (• _ •) and it’s an instant, supereffective K.O. for Wei Wuxian.
Every so often, when another one of his romantic overtures has soared right over Wei Wuxian’s head, Lan Wangji considers Jin Zixuan’s over-the-top demonstrations of affection and thinks (bleakly) “...Jin Zixuan got a singing telegram. Must I also resort to a singing telegram? ; _ ; “
In re: the concert hip-hop number, shirtlessness is the goal all along:
A-Qing (who is also a troublemaker on Lan Qiren’s radar - as soon as he receives the form that says that she and Wei Wuxian will be working together, his spidey senses start tingling) has been constantly referencing it throughout all their practices like:
“Well, because you’ll be shirtless, you’ll have to make sure to-”
“Yeah, that’s a great idea, totally do that, but remember that you’ll be shirtless too, so-”
Even Song Zichen and Xue Yang know about it and have been visibly bracing themselves for the dress (or undress, lul) rehearsal
Wei Wuxian has missed all of this because of his amazing tunnel vision.
Speaking of Song Zichen and Xue Yang, while they’re having their Moments:
Xiao Xingchen is swanning around like “But do you think the performance had artistic integrity? A-Qing, I’m a little worried that the choreography didn’t do full justice to the abilities of all our members! I hope they don’t think I’m hogging the limelight!”, taunting them with his half-nakedness while he earnestly tries to make sure that all the other dancers are comfortable and happy with the final arrangement
A-Qing fully notices the heart-eye beams shooting over from the wings (and fully notices the same heart-eye beams shooting over during various practices), briefly thinks about saying something to put the two losers out of their misery (because Xiao Xingchen is not the special level of oblivious that Wei Wuxian is), but then thinks ... nah.
During practice back-painting, Wei Wuxian is so focused on Not Looking that his mistimes his ~sexy stretch~ and gets it in precisely when Lan Wangji has turned his back to get the towel, so it really is all for nothing, RIP.
In the reprise back-painting session (and there definitely is one, what with Lan Wangji’s love for marking and the fact that Chinese calligraphers usually sign their name on their work), the levels of both shamelessness and trolling shoot through the roof on both sides:
Wei Wuxian suddenly feels the need to do a lot more whimpering and moaning, and his flinches of “surprise” and wriggling to “get comfortable” suddenly happen a lot more in the hip area than they did before.
Lan Wangji does a lot more touching of the skin he’s about to paint to “warn” Wei Wuxian that the brush is coming (do warnings have to be quite so ... lingering? Only Lan Wangji knows), discovers a sudden need for wrist-pinning to “hold Wei Wuxian still while he works” and his blowing on ink to get it dry suddenly gets a lot more ... sensual ...
Lan Wangji is the teacher that all his babies are always proposing to. They lOvE him with every inch of their tiny baby hearts, and after they get together, Wei Wuxian watches on with a knowing nod, like “My fam, I getcha. Gege will support you in expressing your feelings and we can ALL win!”
Wei Wuxian doesn’t know it, but he has a group of grannies and grandpas wringing their hands over his happiness, too: It’s all well and good that he’s seeing the Lan boy now, but when are they gonna get married, huh? HUH?! WHAT’S THE POINT OF SAVING THE PLANET IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA FILL IT WITH BABIES, WEI WUXIAN???
So once they officially start dating, Wei Wuxian steps into the Cultural Centre like “Ah, our fresh new romance! Even after all this time of fake-dating, I’d better give people some transition time to get used to this new state of affairs!”
And in the background, 73 aunties and grannies are thinking “Look how behind schedule you are, Wei Wuxian!” (because it’s definitely his fault, and not Lan Wangji’s). “Where are the babies? WHERE ARE THE BABIES??”
The wedding advice Wei Wuxian got from the grannies during Mianmian’s wedding prep is liberally flavoured with real life anecdotes like:
“Don’t be like XX’s son. He made the mistake of trying to skimp on the dowry - so disrespectful to people who’ve poured so much love and energy into raising a daughter - and it poisoned the entire relationship.”
“That venue is no good - YY’s daughter had her reception there, and we all had diarrhoea after eating the prawns.”
(And Wei Wuxian is like: “How can you retain all of this bullshit detail about every wedding the Cultural Society has ever witnessed, but still not know how to say the phrase ‘Excuse me, what time is the bus coming’ in English?!”)
Mianmian definitely also gets strong-armed by her excited mother into some glorious(ly terrible) Chinese-style studio wedding photos (with industrial-strength airbrushing and wedding costume changes that span many cultures and many Chinese time periods).
Mianmian swears to never let Wei Wuxian get his grubby hands on that album, on pain of death.
But then her parents host something, and Wei Wuxian goes, and right there, hanging in their living room, is a floor-to-ceiling calendar, featuring Mianmian and Mian-man dressed as Chinese emperor and empress (because Mianmian certainly didn’t want it in her house, but it came with the package.)
Wei Wuxian makes a noise that Mianmian previously thought only dolphins could produce, and proceeds to take SO MANY photos with his phone.
At some point after Mianmian’s wedding, Lan Wangji comes out of the shower to find:
1 pair of pyjama bottoms waiting for him on the bed; and
Wei Wuxian in the corresponding top (which doesn’t cover his butt after all, but whatever, he’s committed), shooting him a double-thumbs up and wearing an expression like 8D!
(And Lan Wangji decides it’s not worth fighting and just goes with it.)
Lan Qiren
Lan Qiren is totally the kind of parent who never boasts about his children directly, but will listen politely to you telling him about how your son scored 86 in his maths examination, and wait for you to obligation-ask about his kids before casually saying, “Oh, Wangji? He scored full marks” and smiling thinly.
He’ll add “Sounds like your son worked really hard” for extra fuck you value if you were being particularly obnoxious.
The greatest tragedy in his parenting life is realising that if your children are The Best, it’s only possible for them to marry down.
His initial feelings regarding Wei Wuxian dating his nephew can probably be summed up as: “Wei Wuxian, I did not lovingly raise my precious Lan Wangji just to give him to you!!!”
(The problem is that his nephew (inexplicably) likes Wei Wuxian so much, mumblegrumble.)
For weeks after The Resentment of Lan Qiren, every time Lan Qiren sees Wen Ning, he shakes his head sadly to himself and mutters “What a shame, what a shame.”
When Wen Ning responds with a slightly panicked “?!”, Lan Qiren just pats him on the shoulder, like, “No, no, it’s not you. We can’t choose our relatives. And isn’t that the greatest shame in the world?” - and then DOESN’T EXPLAIN ANYTHING.
And after many bouts of thinking and rethinking still lead him to the conclusion that Wei Wuxian is the best choice in comparison to all the other available options, Lan Qiren may or may not visit Cangse Sanren’s grave to burn some incense for an excuse to stand there and offer a sullen, “You fukken got me again, you bastard. I can’t believe you.”
He doesn’t know who he hates more:
Wei Wuxian for being himself and yet still the best choice
Cangse Sanren for not letting being dead stop her from continuing to be a thorn in Lan Qiren’s side
Wen Ruohan for being undesirable enough to disqualify the only valid competitor
The other parents for failing to produce children who are better than Wei Wuxian
(Like: Surely it can’t be that hard if he (+ his brother + his sister-in law) managed to produce two)
So he settles for hating everyone.
For his next birthday, Lan Xichen sends him a box of blood-pressure-lowering supplements.
Lan Qiren is like “!!!” but he still takes them because just because his nephew is being impudent does not mean there is not also a Need.
In re 3zun:
Lan Qiren goes around determinedly Not Thinking about Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao. Every time his eyes approach something he doesn’t want to see, he just turns his head like NOPE.
He eventually realises that he and Wei Wuxian have this in common and that Wei Wuxian is therefore his most valuable ally - both in terms of having someone to pivot to and have very loud, very enthusiastic conversations about anything else whenever the 3zun do something they don’t want to see, and also having someone to commiserate with about Not Wanting to Know. (But because they’re them, they alternate between teaming up for self-preservation and using their mutual weakness to take petty jabs at each other.)
"-If two of them are dating, then where does that leave the third one?!"
"RIGHT? Imagine finding out that they were silently pining away, forced to third-wheel for their unrequited love and best friend - unrequited LOVES AND BEST FRIENDS? What would you say to that?!"
"That's not even considering which one the third wheel would be - I honestly don't know which option would be the worst, they're all terrible."
"I'm almost ready to say that I'd rather they all be dating each other, except then I'd have to think about how that would work, dynamic-wise, like - who calls the shots? Do you think Nie Mingjue is domineering all the time, or do you think it’s a public front, and he then goes home to be dominated by-"
“STOP.”
Even before 3zun get together (both Lan Qiren and Wei Wuxian have chosen to Never Know when this is), Jin Guangyao is throwing out suggestive comments left and right and then immediately whipping out his (◔◡◔✿) face for anyone’s double-take:
50% to test the waters of public sentiment before he makes a move and it actually becomes his problem
50% because he’s a troll who likes dominance displays
Knowing this factoid, one of Wei Wuxian’s mental 3zun Dynamics possibilities features Superdom!Jin Guangyao, but he does his best to avoid thinking about that.
After Lan Qiren mentally accepts Wei Wuxian into the fold:
He still internally responds to at least 50% of the things that Wei Wuxian does with “Why, that little shit”, but it’s also implied that Wei Wuxian is their little shit now.
And for Lan Family! Qiren, this means: If you shit on him, WE shit on you.
“Shufu”
Lan Qiren definitely Notices when Wei Wuxian calls him that, but it Doesn’t Do to make a fuss.
He probably has a conversation with Lan Xichen sometime around the first family dinner that goes:
LQR: You've noticed that he's still calling me 'Uncle Qiren' like we're nothing to each other.
LXC: ...If you want him to call you Shufu, should you perhaps not mention that to him?
LQR: What? No, he should already know these things!
And then after the wedding:
LQR: Your brother's boyfriend is finally acting like one of the family. LXC: Haha, oh my.
Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan
Although their mothers have been friends for ages, Jin Zixuan grows up in a different city, so they don't see each other growing up. The Jins later move for Jin Zixuan's high-flying corporate job, Madam Jin joins the Culture Society at her friend's behest and immediately falls in love with Jiang Yanli as a daughter-in-law.
After a lot of cajoling (in both directions), she gets them to agree to one date, which is a disaster (I have more headcanons about this but they won't fit in here)
Jin Zixuan has a lot of money and zero sense of proportion, which does not generally result in tasteful things. (Where Jiang Yanli is concerned, his desire to keep up a "cool" image is completely overpowered by his desire to please, so that doesn't help either. Like a golden retriever who wants people to think he's a cat.)
After they get married, Wei Wuxian sometimes thinks about the peacock's peacocking rituals, like: "It's good that he's gotten more reasonable now that they're married - no, wait, what if he hasn't gotten more reasonable, but there's just no one around to see it because they're married?!" and never gets brave enough to ask his sister about it.
After Jin Ling's birth, Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng (and maybe even Jin Zixuan) get locked in an ongoing battle for Jin Ling's affections. Jiang Yanli is the clear favourite, as she should be, but they all want to be #2, and their constant jostling is how he ends up with no chill despite being raised by one calm mum and one aloof (but secretly disaster) dad
But because Jiang Yanli is around, he's very polite about it: the kind of kid who barrels in screaming blue murder, skids to a halt and says "Auntie", and then tears out screaming blue murder again
Wei Wuxian tones it down a lot after he and Lan Wangji adopt A-Yuan because he’s got better things to do, but it’s still A Thing (during visits, A-Yuan spends a lot of time in Auntie Yanli’s lap being gently fed things while his dad and shushu yell at each other over the top of his cousin’s head)
Lan Xichen and Jiang Yanli
Initially brought together by their brothers, they now meet up for regular, peaceful, wholesome tea-dates where they discuss the lives of their mutuals and gently exchange advice (and strategies on how to keep their angry-angry parent/proxy-parent's blood pressure down.
Whereas Jiang Cheng gets closer to coughing up blood with every year that passes by without Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji getting their shit together, Lan Xichen and Jiang Yanli take the more optimistic view of "Look at how well-prepared we are, we've just run another year ahead of schedule!"
Dinner Crew
Jiang Cheng has been the unwilling audience to years of Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji’s bullshit.
If asked, he would say: “And you wonder why I’m so angry?! What do you mean ‘dating’, you’ve been fucking married for the last five years!” but no one ever does :’D
Every so often, he thinks about how happy their sister is about the dating situation because she doesn’t know that it’s fake, and he grinds his teeth because why can’t he also not-know!?
To this, Nie Huaisang says, “If we didn’t know we couldn’t help!”
And Jiang Cheng replies, “WE’RE NOT HELPING ANYWAY, LOOK AT HIM!!!”
Meanwhile, Jiang Yanli continues to gush about how happy she is for Wei Wuxian and all Jiang Cheng can do is laugh really unnaturally because he has to “Be strong, Jiang Cheng! Be strong for A-jie! ╥﹏╥”
He goes to read the comments on the Society Facebook after the fujoshi conversation, and gets so angry at all these people who are like “Ah, their love is so beautiful!” that he has to uninstall his Facebook app, and go and shout into a cupboard somewhere.
The non-Wei-Wuxian members of the dinner group have set up a separate chat to act as a support group, where they all go to:
Wail and gnash their teeth after Wei Wuxian does something particularly dumb
Scheme ways into getting Wei Wuxian to get a clue
Console one another when someone’s brave attempt at getting Wei Wuxian to face the truth fails miserably (because while they play by the rules of ‘what a normal human would do’, Wei Wuxian lives by the principle of ‘lol norms are for losers’.)
Relatedly: for every resigned Nie Huaisang face or enraged Jiang Cheng face that Wei Wuxian notices, there are at least three desperate-yet-silent exchanges that he doesn’t.
Wen Ning is always really optimistic about it, nodding encouragingly like “He’s gonna get it - he’s gonna get it! - oh no, he’s not gonna get it. Oh. Oh no. Ó╭╮Ò”
Wen Ning always has at least one small child hanging off him at all times when he’s at the Cultural Centre because they know he can always be bullied into playing with them and they think he’s great.
Past bullshit dinner group projects have included Getting Jiang Cheng a Date and Making a Picture out of Jin Guangyao’s Forehead Dot While He’s Sleeping
(In re the forehead dot, they end up settling for making it bigger every time he nods off during a movie night at Nie Huaisang’s house, and Nie Mingjue comes home to what’s basically a Japanese flag on Jin Guangyao’s forehead and is like ಠ_ಠ)
Future dinner group projects include providing Wei Wuxian with support for Grand Plans like Getting Along with Uncle Qiren and providing Jiang Cheng with unwanted support for things like Workshopping Jiang Cheng’s List of Partner Requirements
A-Yuan
After A-Yuan’s adoption, Wei Wuxian and Lan Qiren redouble their efforts in Can we divorce an in-law?! because although they couldn’t save themselves from being related to Jin Guangyao, for their PRECIOUS BOY--
Therefore, when A-Yuan is five or six and starts to sound out how he’s related to people and why:
A-Yuan: So if Jin-yeye is Uncle Guangyao’s dad, then that makes him my-
Wei Wuxian: NOTHING!
Lan Qiren (springing up from the other side of the room): NOTHING!
Lan Xichen: lol
At around about this same time, Wei Wuxian, who is never gonna stop trolling Lan Qiren about ruzhui until the day he dies, runs A-Yuan through the “You see, my son, my family is not so well-to-do, and since your Uncle married into the Nie family-” talk, and then proceeds to reference it at every opportunity:
1: Despite A-Yuan almost certainly not asking, and
2: despite (/especially because of) Lan Qiren shouting “DON’T TEACH HIM WEIRD THINGS!” in the background.
(Lan Wangji probably lets it happen or encourages it because he thinks it’s funny)
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SlipKnot Histrory
[This was from a french blogging website, post original publish in 2009. I think it’s instresting; All credit goes to the original poster. Posted linked at the bottom of this post.]
[Post copy and pasted below]
Note: This is a long hauled description of events; it shows how fate has brought Slipknot together and how this makes Slipknot more than an everyday band; the music is their life not just a ploy for fame. Slipknot are hard core expression and emotion that WILL rock the music industry! They are a band with an undying passion! Slipknot formed in the year of 1995 as a result of the work of Paul, Shawn and Anders Colsefni (ex-vocalist). (They had originally played with the idea of making a band as early as 1993 and even began writing songs; however the project fell through when Shawn became busy with his welding occupation.) These three along with guitarists Donnie Steele (ex- Body Pit guitarist) and Quan Nong began practising under the name of Meld. However, at some point Quan Nong left, this time is uncertain, but is expected to be following the first six practices due to his following of a more Alternative/Punk style. Following his departure the band started anew, with a project named, "The Pale Ones". During this period Shawn (a.k.a Clown) was the lead drummer. Paul was determined to get Joey involved with his new project, despite failing to receive his interest in earlier projects such as Body Pit. Paul met up with Joey at Sinclair's where Joey worked nights, there he tempted Joey to watch rehearsals within Anders' basement. Joey reluctantly agreed and despite missing two rehearsals due to work priorities, eventually made it down to the basement to view a practice session. This basement, was "largely, open spaced", not only was the area so small and cramped but for soundproofing the members used carpet samples and scraps from a nearby pet grooming centre, these made the whole basement smell of Cat piss. The first song that Joey heard them play was a song known as "Slipknot", followed by "Gently" and "Fur". Joey soon realised that he had to be in this band and soon began to play the drums; pushing Shawn onto percussion. A band had formed. Within the cramped basement new songs were being turned out by the minute, including titles such as "Killers Are Quiet", "Bitchslap", "Do Nothing", "Confessions", "Some Feel", "Part of Me" and "Tattered and Torn". Paul, Shawn and Joey also began to meet up at Sinclair's to discuss ideas and plans for the future. Here they planned everything, here they decided the rules that define the current Slipknot. 1. "We do not answer to anyone" 2. "We do not worry about trends" 3. "We play what we want" 4. "We would not allow people to have any sort of influence on the band" Shawn and Joey also decided that the band would require three drummers to provide a hardcore audio assault. Shawn wanted a drummer to the left and right with one at the back controlling it all, creating a wall of power, a fist layer... . Joey plays the main set and as a result is the main drummer who holds the band together. Shawn is the "Total Power Drummer" and is all aggression. The third element of percussion was often performed by Anders. Within Sinclair's Shawn and Joey also realised that the band would need another guitarist. Josh formerly of Modifidious and Inveigh Catharsis was called and he soon added himself to the band. Now there were six. Soon the band decided on a new title for themselves, they toyed with the name of "Pyg System" however agreed on the more simple name of "Slipknot", the title of their first song. The people of Des Moines knew that a new band was forming and they knew who was in it. However no one had heard or seen them. Soon a small performance was given, the band suited in Kiss styled makeup, fitting the music perfectly with the green glowing lights. This spawned the idea of the masks. This idea evolved and following discussions and Shawn turning up to a practice wearing his legendary Clown mask, the sextet decided almost unanimously, with the exception of Donnie, that masks should be worn. Joey came fully equipped with his moulded and expressionless Kabuki Mask and despite difficulty within practices the idea took off, the whole anti-image appearance which fitted so well with their rule of ignoring trends had a great appeal. Soon Shawn contacted Mike Lawyer, due to an interest in recording some studio work. Mike got an engineer/producer of his named Sean Mcmahon to meet up with them during a practice session. Sean, not only stunned by the wolf skin attire of lead singer Anders, was also blown away by the sheer sound of Slipknot. The band soon started work on their first project, dubbed, MFKR. "Mate Feed Kill Repeat". The band grabbed every available moment to practice, perform and record within the SR Audio Studios, customising the room with posters, lights and many other objects. Many happenings occurred around this studio, including the drawing of corpses on the road outside and a performance in the nude by Joey. Sean Mcmahon: "I was contacted by former members of a band called Body Pit to check out their new band at their rehearsal space. I did. I was Floored! That band was Slipknot." Within February of 1996 a great change occurred within Donnie Steele; he found God. He realised that he could not be within such a band as Slipknot with the beliefs he held and as a result withdrew himself from the group, the others respecting his descision. At this crucial point in time a new member was called up; a former member of Joey's band Modifidious, his name was Craig. He had been recommended by Jordison. During his arrival the MFKR album was already in its mixing stages. The mixing of MFKR was anything but smooth. Each song being remixed many times. Strain was added by different view that each member held and things often got intense. Not only was their problems with the mixing but the band was also unhappy with the mastering that was done on the CD, hence they insisted that Sean should do it. Slipknot's first major show in which they would unveil themselves to the people of Des Moines became booked for the 4th April 1996 at the locally known meeting place pronounced, "The Safari". On the day's arrival the room was packed with 200 people. The band arrived in Joey's car and each member sported their individual garments. Paul with a wore wrapped around his head, weaving in and out of his piercings, Josh showing off an executioners hood while Craig had placed pantyhose on his head. Joey and Shawn each used the masks they had always worn, the Clown and Kabuki. Before the band began to play Joey began to incessantly shout, "I need a little Christmas in my drink" repeatedly with each new phrase increasing in volume, energy and power. The band then slammed into their debut song, "Slipknot". By Slipknot's second performance at the club Paul had found a new "Pig" mask. Within this show the band played with another band named, "Stone Sour", Corey Taylor was the lead singer. The band played a total of seven shows at the club in one month alone. The band carried on playing their shows which were much more "insane" than we see these days (taming of the media,etc...), rather than the same uniform jumpsuits and regular masks the band played in different things, for example Shawn rented out a large purple "Barney" suit and others wore Nun dresses and even ballroom dresses or a Little Bo Peep outfit. The shows were really dark, underground and scary however they still carried an element of humour. The shows would start with strobe lights flashing and a sample from Craig, usually of a mad laugh and "ice cream" man chimes, Shawn would drop a power saw to create a series of sparks to fly over the crowd. Joey still felt that the band was incomplete. He wanted more; a different sound and a greater variety. Craig was promptly shifted onto samples, leaving an empty vacancy. Hence Mick arrived. MFKR was eventually finished on Halloween, 1996. The party had began and 400 people turnt up. The album was sent out to many people and a person named Sophia at a local station managed to hear it and liked it. This lead to the arrangement of Slipknot's appearance in the local battle of the band's contest. The on air tournament that spanned across several weeks soon began with the individual heats. Slipknot faced Corey's band; Stone Sour - they won. Slipknot also defeated "Maelstrom" and "Black Caesar" who came second. Slipknot conquered all. This was one of the band's highlights that fuelled them to their current stardom. The money from the win helped fund the heavily in debt band's new projects and demos. By this time several record companies had investigated the band, one of these being Roadrunner who felt that they should not pick up Slipknot due to their thought that the vocalist required more melody. This rejection continued and no where could they be signed. Sophia became their first manager due to her contacts and love for this new band. Things then seemed to get worse; Shawn bought the Safari which took time away from the band despite being a good investment. The band could no longer play in Anders' basement and things were falling apart. There were often tensions between Joey and Shawn and "Slipknot" had no where to play. However they still managed to make it onto the bill for the local "Dotfest" in June. There they played to the largest crowd in their history, a crowd of 12 000, containing many industry people. Not only was the sound dodgy and kept going out but the crowd began to throw chicken bones on stage. At the show Slipknot came out throwing Tampons into the crowd and had several "gimps". This was the first and last time for the "gimps". The gimps were Frank with a gas mask, Lanny with tribal markings in liquid latex, Greg covered with liquid latex and a ball gag in his mouth and Greg's friend Slick Rick in a latex hood. Slipknot had the original idea of having a professional stunt man, Rick, come out dressed as Shawn and then Shawn would come out and set him on fire. They had all the things to do it (for a long time it set in the cooler at Safari) but the city would not issue the permits to perform it so the event had to be abandoned. The set ended with them being cut off and an almost riot breaking out as Andy cut open his arms and tossed CDs over the fence to the fans. Joey quit. But he reconsidered and came back. Some good things did come out of this though, their performance left a mark, they made new fans and most importantly they discovered Sid Wilson (even though they did not speak to him). Slipknot looked for the success they were not getting and decided to enlist Corey Taylor of rival band Stone Sour, to join the line up. Joey, Shawn and Mick confronted him with the an ultimatum at his work place, "The Adult Emporium". They said, "Join the band or we will kick your ass!" Slipknot provided an opportunity not present in Stone Sour; the band could go places. The music over image policy also appealed. Corey began practising with the band and the first lyrics he wrote were to be used in the song, "Me Inside". This was a very experimental move and everyone was wondering how it would turn out. This change resulted in Anders being pushed back to percussion and back up vocals. Soon this new breed of the Knot performed a show; it turned out it was a charity event for a local hospital. The Safari was packed to the brim. Corey came out wearing a large amount of makeup that gave a dark appearance, this was added to by two latex crosses marked over his eyes. Despite this excitement the show was riddled with technical problems and was the show that resulted in Joey's nickname, "Superball". Their next show was on 17th September, again at the Safari. This show was a great improvement however nearly a year on from the MFKR release an announcement was to be made. Just before Slipknot were about to storm into their final song, "Scissors", Anders made an announcement, "This will be my last show" he stated. This stunned both band members and the audience. Following this sudden change the band returned to the studio to re-record the songs on their untitled second CD - minus Anders' vocals. Of these songs included, "Gently", "Do Nothing", "Slipknot", "Tattered and Torn", "Me Inside", "Carve", "Coleslaw", "Scissors", "Windows" and "May 17th" a song written by Shawn. To cope with Ander's departure a new member was brought in, he was named Greg a.k.a Cuddles (a tattooist @ axiom piercing). Cuddles was extremely insane and very much like Slipknot's DJ, Sid. He would smash up the sets and even throw his drum kit into the crowd. Cuddles joined the band despite warnings from family and friends and he is also responsible for the tribal "S" tattoo on Anders' leg. Cuddles had previously drummed for the "Havenots" a band which Joey and Paul had been in. Cuddles is the naked guy in the MFKR inlet. Cuddles played his lst show in the Summer of 1998, he was the only member of Slipknot to be sacked, this was due to his lazy attitude towards the band. He moved to South Dakota and started up the tattoo parlour, "The Ultimate Prick", this has since been shut down. Following Cuddles' departure there was one show in Malibu which took place wile auditions were occurring, hence there was a replacement and that was Brandon, he played one show and wore the "liar" mask. One night Joey and Shawn checked out a clan named "The Sound Proof Coalition" at the Safari containing the DJs, A-Rock, Loodachris, Phase II, Rek, Sub Two, Iniversoul and Starscream. Starscream, a.k.a Sid Wilson introduced himself to them and told them they rocked at Dotfest, Shawn said they needed a DJ, Sid said he was the man. Following pestering by Sid he was allowed to view a practice and following a session of head butting it was decided he was fit to be part of the group. Auditions were being carried out for a Cuddles replacement, these auditions brought about a person named Chris Fehn, he had seen the band played and had previously asked to become a roadie. He was soon added to the group, despite being put through a vigourous ordeal. This included his initiation test commonly known as the secret track on the self titled album. Soon after this event Slipknot came up with the barcode, number and coverall ideas. A new song was also written; it was called, "Spit it Out". Slipknot now had offers flying in from mainly internet reports. However the band really wanted Ross Robinson to work on the project and he was contacted through Sophia. Robinson checked out the demo tape and flew into Des Moines to view a practice session and a live show. After watching the practice (which very few are aloud to see) he knew the band would go far. Ross not only felt the vide of the music but the vide of the passion; a passion he himself had felt. This was the beginning of a wonderful creation. He then saw Slipknot perform live at the Safari on 2nd February 1998. Word soon got back to Slipknot that he was willing to record the album, label or not. Ross later signed them onto his own label, "I am recordings". Ross then got in touch with Roadrunner and the band publicly signed to Roadrunner Records outside of the Axion Studio (tattoo parlour) in Des Moines. Following a call on the 23rd September, Slipknot drove out to LA to begin the recording of their album. The band practised solid for a week and soon began the recording that left the band sore. They then travelled upto the legendary Indigo Ranch to carry on the recording. To add a necessary expression to this music, Ross got Corey to explain his lyrics to all the other members, so they could "feel it". This took the music to a higher level; it made it raw expression and emotion, it added an element not seen before. Despite the many changes that had occurred within the Knot, another was to occur. This time it was Josh's time for departure, he left due to "family life" and would not have been able to cope with the extensive touring that lay ahead. The band knew instantly who they wanted to replace him, the Atomic Opera star, Jim Root. Jim originally said no to the offer due to his desire to stay true to the band he was currently working in. However after a bad show he called Shawn and essentially joined the band.
Original Post: slipknotmetalmusik. skyrock. com /2381521055-slipknot. html
[spaces are only there because tumblr is being buggy]
#slipknot#slipknot history#sid wilson#joey jordison#paul gray#chris fehn#jim root#craig jones#shawn crahan#mick thomson#corey taylor#yeah its instresing i like it#fun to read
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wildflower pt.2 - calum hood
a/n: am just gonna keep writing bc im so invested in this cute story HAHA
summary: after a nasty breakup, Karla Rivera finds herself working as one of the new producers/songwriter for 5SOS. She had no intention to fall in love right now, but one conversation struck a chord with her. In between producing a smashing album and writing hit singles, Karla finds herself entangled in the arms of a man who she never thought she’d end up with.
Karla wakes up in an unfamiliar setting, until she realises that she was in the beach house for the writing session. It was still dark outside, but she decided to get out of bed, pulling a hoodie over her head and padding out of the room. She was making her coffee when she noticed Ashton in the balcony practicing yoga and she joins him outside, the sun just beginning to peak over the horizon. He finishes up with his hands to heart centre, and rolls up the mat before joining Karla.
“Had a good sleep?” He asks and she nods, still not awake enough to give a proper response. They both watch the sunrise over the horizon, a comfortable silence between the two of them. Calum wakes up soon after, and he instinctively looks for Karla, finding her and Ashton on the balcony.
“G’morning” He greets sleepily and they both mumble a greeting back. Calum plops himself between Ashton and Karla, earning a smack on his head from his bandmate.
“There are so many fucking chairs and you got to choose this one that’s already occupied??”
“It’s cold!” He snuggles up next to Ashton to prove his point and the two start play fighting. Karla only shakes her head and laughs before escaping the two boys. The rest of the gang all wake up later, and they work on more songs through out the day. They find themselves working on a couple more songs, and both Calum and Karla seem to have an unspoken chemistry while writing the lyrics. He finishes the sentences she’s unable to and she replaces his words with ones that convey the message better. It was like watching two best friends, just that they’ve only met two days ago and Calum was slowly falling in love with her.
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“Okay my girl’s waiting, I’m leaving!” Luke announces and bounds out the door before anyone could protest. They were in the middle of writing another song, but since Luke left, they all decided to call it a day. The boys were all meeting their significant others tonight except for Calum and he decides that he wants to spend some time getting to know Karla. He searches the house for her, and finds her in her room with her notebook in her hand. He knocks softly on the door and she looks up at him, a soft smile gracing her lips.
“What’s up?” Karla gestures for him to enter the room, and makes space for him on her bed. He feels a bundle of nerves form in his chest. She looked gorgeous even in her oversized sweater and shorts that it made his heart flutter. Get it together, Calum.
“The rest of the boys are going on dates with their girlfriends tonight so I thought maybe we could have dinner together if you don’t have plans?” She raises her eyebrow at him and he thinks he fucks up.
“I mean its only if you want, you can do what-“
“Slow down, tiger” Karla laughs at how distressed he seemed, closing her notebook and leaning forward on her elbows, “I would love to have dinner with you.” Calum grins stupidly at her and in the moment he leans towards her as well, their breaths fanning each others faces. He braces himself with his hand on the bed just next to her thighs, and he watches her eyes travel from his eyes to his lips. One of his hands traces her jawline and Karla finds herself melting at his touch. He looks at her lips, then into her eyes again.
“Can I?” Karla nods and he presses his lips onto hers. Her lips felt soft against his, they both moved in rhythm and she finds her hands playing with the hair on the nape of his neck. She smiles into the kiss like she’s never felt happiness before and their teeth both clink against each other. Calum pulls back first, his hands resting on top of her waist. He just looks at her and she admires him as well, fingertips tracing the lines on his face. He was falling so quickly, especially for someone who’s been anti-relationship for awhile, it felt like he was falling into and endless pit. Karla notices the falter in his facial expression and she tips his head so they’re meeting eye to eye.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Is this too fast for you?” He mumbles. Karla shakes her head, then shrugs, “maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.”
“Yeah I broke up with my ex only a month ago and never thought I’d feel again. I was hurt and a huge mess, but then I came here, into a room full of you guys and I felt all sorts of things.” Calum smirks at her and she pushes him back a little.
“Head out of the gutter, Cal.” His nickname rolls of her tongue with ease and it sets a smile on his face. She looks at him as if he has a screw loose, grinning at her for no reason.
“What?”
“You called me Cal.”
“Uh huh, everybody calls you that here.”
“That was your first time saying it.” He laces his fingers through hers.
“Do you want me to keep doing it?” She presses a kiss on his knuckles. He nods, “Yeah that would be nice.”
#5sos#5 seconds of summer#5 seconds of summer fic#5 second of summer imagines#calum hood#calum hood fics#calum hood imagines#luke hemmings fic#michael clifford#ashton irwin
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I have been unbelievably busy for all of 2020 so far. Starting a new job and crunching to finish an old one, it's been very good but it has also meant that I haven't had the downtime I'd have liked in order to write long screeds about when drums sound good in songs so my December and January playlists unfortunately never got finished. They will exist as 'lost' playlists in the grimelords canon where you will simply have to listen to them and have your own thoughts about the songs instead of having your judgement clouded by me saying things like 'this sounds nice' and 'I love when the guitar goes woo-eee'.
You can listen to them here:
December https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4crPEVSPwftPpWl14xUrXF
January https://open.spotify.com/playlist/25MP7onYLCwWRYBIi0u3yc
As far as this, my February playlist goes: It's great! It's two and a half hours. The songs sounds nice and the guitars go woo-eee. I was worried I wouldn't be able to listen to as much music with my new job but it turns out I'm listening to more than ever which is extremely nice. Please enjoy, and if you'd like to subscribe to this playlist please do so here: https://tinyletter.com/grimelords
Listen to this playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ZraEZOeS6qvVxfnz3AJS9
Ballad Of The Skeletons - Allen Ginsberg, Paul McCartney, Phillip Glass and Lenny Kaye: I had a dim childhood memory of this 1996 Hottest 100 funny skeleton song that my sister randomly brought up this month and was was shocked to find out that somewhere deep in my brain the part where the electric chair skeleton says “hey what’s cooking???” was still stored. I was also shocked to find out that the funny skeleton song I remembered from when I was a kid was actually a collaboration between Allen Ginsberg, Paul McCartney and Phillip Glass and was an unexpected hit on MTV and Triple J in 1996 for an as yet unknown reason.
I Can Go With You - Sam Burton: This song came up in my Discover Weekly, and I was so excited to listen to more of this 70s singer songwriter I've never heard of before who has no doubt had a long and illustrious career and was shocked to find out that not only is this song from 2020, it is also the first and so far only release by Sam Burton and his debut album is coming out sometime this year. I love how plain it is, and the first time I heard it it made no impression on me until a couple of hours later when I realised I was humming the melody to myself. It has this decepitive simplicity to it, and it sounds like a song you've always known which is really about as good a compliment as you can give a song. I also love this statement from him: “I was writing a song a day for 30 days as a personal challenge to myself. I Can Go With You came near of that practice and I considered it a throwaway at the time. After recording most of the album I still needed a couple more songs and decided to throw it on and we recorded it live followed by two others. When I listened back it ended up being one of the tracks I was happiest with on the record.” I love when artists are asked about songs and they have no divine inspiration to relate, just a process of daily work where they're like "well, I wrote it, like I always do. Did the chords and the words and everthing just like normal. I write hundreds of these things and this one came out pretty good. I don't know what else to tell you."
Wild Dogs - Colter Wall: This is a song by Billy Don Burns who you can probably expect to see on this playlist next month, and who as I understand it is one of these 'real' country guys that have been around for a million years and only ever had success when other people sang their songs. So it's very nice of Colter Wall to continue that tradition for him. I love the way this song takes the metaphor to a place of almost uncomfortable literalism, a tryst metamophising into something private, bloody and feral. The subtle way the lap steel whines slowly along in the background before stepping out and taking centre stage once the song picks up steam near the end is a marvel too.
Tom's Diner - Suzanne Vega: I had a live version of this randomly recommended to me by youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkYPge6ZKSQ and it made me see this song that I'd always been sort of aware of in a new light and really properly appreciate it for the first time. Somehow I'd never noticed the last verse where it moves from literalism to memories, and of course that's sort of the moment that ties the whole song together. What I really appreciate about the acapella arrangement is that it feels like this is a song that's existed a million times before but she's the first person to actually write it down and record it. Everyone's made up a little dishwashing song or a little walking song, reciting some to-do list in your head. It's an entire genre that exists under people's breath for a few minutes and gets immediately forgotten.
If You Don't Know Now, You Never Will - Drugdealer: I could have sworn this was a Tobias Jesso Jr song. I really just assumed it was until I looked at the credits. It's such a nice song though and I'm glad this sort of 70s californian vibe is making a quiet comeback because it is just uniformly pleasant and it's nice to hear these sorts of arrangements, with the accenting violin runs and things like that. All the extra decorations and ornamentations that have sort of disappeared.
Crimson Tide - Destroyer: I absolutely love this new Destroyer album because it just feels like such pure uncut Destroyer. I’ve always thought of him as a sort of 400 year old vampire lounge singer who is just amusing himself at this point and so the cover art has really confirmed my suspicions on that front. The lyrics through this whole album are so good, the sort of stream of consciousness strangeness like ‘when lightning strikes twice the funeral goes completely insane’ that takes a on such gravity because he sings it with complete deadpan seriousness.
Truth (feat Alicia Keys and The Last Artful, Dodger) - Mark Ronson: I didn't really give this album a chance when it came out but ever since I found out Alicia Keys is good now (Time Machine) I've been looking for more good Alica Keys work and found one here. The Last Artful, Dodger is one of the worst artist names I think I've ever heard but she absolutely kills it on the way she says biiiiitch so I'll forgive it.
Surf & Turf - Boldy James + The Alchemist: Alchemist's production on this whole album is so incredible. He really just lets Boldy go and doesn't get in his way like good production should. Especially on the opening verse where Boldy James sticks with that loping flow for so long in 3s over 4 that matches that arpeggios in the beat, it's just a perfect harmony of rapper and producer.
Fat Mac - Duke Deuce: Misogyny in rap is a real issue that nobody seems really allowed to talk about because it's obviously very complicated, and this song some real classic 'stay in the kitchen' type woman hating in it and is basically incredibly callous and cruel throughout. However this beat is hot and there is also a part about a third of the way through where he says "fuck her till that pussy fart" and then makes a big fart noise, so.
Set It Up (feat. Trina) - Kamaiyah: I only found out about Kamaiyah's fantastic 2016 album A Good Night In The Ghetto about two weeks before her new one came out so I've been on a real Kamaiyah hype for a little while now. She's just fantastic. I love this song because I love the part where Trina seemingly out of the blue threatens to piss in my mouth. The first time I heard it I said 'wow!' out loud.
Come As You Are - Greg Phillinganes: There's something going on with the pop math in this song that I just can't put my finger on. It feels for all intents and purposes like this should be a hit. The melody is great. The big synth voice is great, it's got extremely fatty bass. It's great! But something about the structure of it is just off, it's got too many sections or something. Which kind of makes me love it more really.
Devotion - Pure Bathing Culture: What surprised me the most about this song is the secret shredding happening throughout. It feels like a sort of clean and cool guitar that hasn’t existed in the wild since the Lethal Weapon soundtrack and it adds such an energy to this already completely wonderful song.
Paper Cup - Real Estate + Sylvan Esso: The production on this song is just so beautiful. The violin melody and the pillow soft synths really add such an extra dimension to it. The tone on everything really. The guitar in the solo. Every time I listen to this song I just want to listen to it again because it goes down so smooth.
Mark Zuckerberg - Nap Eyes: I’m a very big fan of the way this song transitions from a sort of TMBG novelty song halfway through into a lonely and beautiful thing instead. It’s like he got distracted and wandered off in the middle of his set but the camera followed him. I also haven’t heard a lyric in a long time that made me bark laugh so instantly as “And what does he do with all that sand? He collects sand right? I think I read that somewhere. Seems innocent enough.”
Viking Hair - Dry Cleaning: I fell in love with this band immediately on hearing this song. The way the spoken lyrics sit in a place of almost coherence, dipping between mysterious phrases and earnest admissions feels like Life Without Buildings for a new generation. I love the feeling of a huge crush at the centre of this song that comes through achingy in every single word, even when she's talking about abandoned refrigerators.
LeBron James - Do Nothing: This is my number one song this month I think. I've listened to it every single day and I cannot wait to see what this band does once they've got more than a couple of songs out. It's my absolute favourite kind of lyrics: the kind that sounds like you just wrote down every one-sided phone conversation you overheard on the bus and then the music is some halfway point between Black Midi and Franz Ferdinand. What else do you need!
Can I Receive The Contact? - The Spirit Of The Beehive: The Spirit Of The Beehive's album is one of the best I heard this month. The way the production incorporates sound collage and samples without diluting the immediacy of the songwriting is really something special that feels hard to pull off in a rock context but sounds effortless through this whole album. The way this shifts at the end into the odd time section is so great and really the way the whole album flows like one long track is just amazing. Please listen, I'm obsessed.
An Air Conditioned Man - Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever: There is so much space in Rolling Blackouts songs. They just go and go, sitting in this great jam space without feeling shaggy. The tempo across the album stays pretty consistently at this breezy, upbeat, driving speed that makes it feel like as soon as one song ends the next one just picks up exactly where it left off. It almost feels like a studio confines them and they'd be better off just recording their album live at a show where every song can go for 8 minutes like it wants to.
Leak -Truth, yesnoyesnoyes- - Boris: I got to see Boris and Merzbow this month, which was a great treat for me but it was also at a seated theatre venue which was a very strange choice. Sitting down and clapping politely as Merzbow pressed the screaming button feels odd, like being at an 1800s World's Fair show about the wonders of electricity or quite literally like being the guy in the chair getting blown away by the speakers in the Maxell ads. I bought earplugs for the show but ended up pulling them out for the last three songs or so to properly experience it, and it was fucking great. Something I was thinking about after the show is that it's interesting how Boris mostly have clean vocals, and really approach metal as an idea from and angle that's more shoegaze than Slayer. Aside from the immense volume, there isn't a lot about their music that I would describe as agressive, even most of what Merzbow added to the set was just extra feedback frequency noise, not atonal agression. I don't mean this in a trve kvlt way, more like it's interesting how they've taken the aesthetics of metal and refined them into pure amplifer worship, in their words, by either playing straight drone, or just playing normal hard rock at inhuman volumes. Boris are very good is what I'm saying, and I can't wait to listen to more of their extremely large discography.
Nameless Streets - Defeater: I've never really listened to much hardcore and I'm not really sure why. I've listened to Defeater's first two albums to death though so maybe it's time to branch out. What I love about this song, and this band in general is the vocal delivery. In a lot of agressive music from metal to screamo, because the agression and emotion is always sitting at a 10 the nuance can get lost and it becomes a sort of white noise, but Defeater have a nice way of backing off musically and vocally here and there to let the hard hits really hit hard. The outro to this song is also some absolutely world class snare work, building a tension bed in the simplest way thats relieved when the rest of the band comes crashing back in.
Boys In Town - Divinyls: I love the true desperation in this song. The trapped in a small town, surrounded by fuckers stress that gives way in the second half to just screaming "get me out of here!!". I am also interested in the evolution of the phrase 'too much, too young' and would like to know whether this song is referencing the song by The Specials, and if the Defeater song on this playlist is referencing this song or The Specials song, or if all three came up with it independently. It's a simply enough phrase, I suppose they could have. Who cares, really.
Body By Crystal - Spike Fuck: Come on a journey with me and imagine a world where Alex Cameron makes good music. That's Spike Fuck! The sort of burned out, past their prime singer desperate for a hit in any sense type of character - except actually put together with some heart and emotion and not an 80s comic book writer's understanding of human lows. I cannot wait to hear more from Spike Fuck.
Rogue Wave - Aesop Rock: It is something of a marvel how consistently high quality Aesop Rock's work is. For all his verbosity and expansive vocabulary he seems to never veer into white guy rap god flexing for the sake of it. Even a song like this that's 3 minutes of dense verses with nothing resembling a hook doesnt feel exhausting, it just feels like a series of extremely pleasing words and images like "take it where the warlocks lock horns, soda pop, popcorn / top notch gore set to Bach over fog horns" that makes my brain go "nice".
Momentary Bliss (feat. Slowthai and Slaves) - Gorillaz: I love the strange rollout Gorillaz are doing for this album, building the tracklist one song at a time. It's a nice way to force close listening, especially in songs with odd structures like this. I love hearing how different prouction changes Slowthai's approach; on this and Deal Wiv It that he did with Mura Masa it feels a lot brighter than anything on Nothing Great About Britain and there's a playfulness in his flow that comes through accordingly. Gorillaz are always moving around musically but I love how much of a live band feel this has compared to the more studioy sound that killed their last album for me.
We Will Always Love You (feat. Blood Orange) - The Avalanches: I am so excited at the possibility of a new Avalanches album already, and this is the perfect song to have as a lead single because it functions more like a teaser. Like 'would you like an hour more of this kind of beautiful, loving dream?'
Tar Sequence - Lalo Schifrin: I found out a little while ago that the local news theme when I was growing up was actually this song from the score to Cool Hand Luke, and according to a bunch of other guys in the youtube comments it was the local news theme for a lot of stations across America as well. The scene is of a prison road gang working under the blazing sun, and I'm sure someone could write a thinkpiece about the soundtrack to the nightly news, and really the platonic ideal of news themes in general stemming from the score to a scene about prison labour. But not me! I'm just going to write this little post and say we all owe Lalo Schifrin our lives for inventing the sonic pallette of kung fu AND the news, which is an incredible achievement whichever way you slice it.
When You - Tha Pope: It's a little bit of a shame that footwork is 'over' now but I suppose that's the way of things. The intro to this song is an absolute all timer for me. The delay soaked tag, the extended organ lick and then a total gear shift into this shrieking vocal sample that sounds like something has gone wrong but is revealed in actuality to be the centre of the whole track. I absolutely love Pope's little adlib at the start, and halfway through when he brings it back - it injects some real humanity into this cacophonous, volatile song and lets you know someone's done this on purpose, they've not just turned every dial to 10 and pressed play.
Jonny/Jonny (Reprise) - Faye Webster: I am absolutely in love with the tone of Faye Webster's voice and especially the way she slowly slides up to the note at the end of every line in the verse. This is a song that belongs to the great genre of songs that sound like they were entirely written and performed while laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling. The reprise here comes back at the end of the album and I love it so much. It feels like a Sex And The City monologue set to music, an underexplored genre I'd definitely like to hear more of.
Holes - Matt Berninger: Matt Berninger of The National covered Mercury Rev's Holes for a series of charity 7"s that Planned Parenthood are doingand I really love his take on it. It's a difficult song to cover because it is so beloved, and I think he does really well to not smooth out the arrangement into any sort of easy listening version. The rumbling piano and the extra vocals that mirror the original saw sound near the end are just wonderful. The part that always breaks my heart in this song is the "bands" line at the end and he really does it perfectly without being overdramatic.
Ta Aro - Nadia Reid: I love the way this song is just soaked in tension and potential energy. She has a beautiful way of holding a note just past the edge of her breath, like when she sings 'glory hallelujah' or 'I am stronger' and in the wordless refrain that just draws me in. Then the way it all closes in on itself and shadows close in at the end while it swells to this beautiful thunderstorm of sound. Just great.
Purify - Neurosis: Someone had a tweet a while ago that was like 'listen to a new album every day in February and write about it' and I thought 'fuck it why not' and started doing that. I kept a little note in my phone of every album I listened to that I'd never heard before, and I ranked them out of 5 so I could remember which ones I liked. I ended up listening to 49 new albums which surprised me, and it was surprisingly easy to do as well so I've decided to keep doing it in March as well. Highly recommended. A nice side effect of constantly searching for new things to listen to is it's given me a chance to hear bands that I've always heard about and know the name of but never actually listened to for one reason or another, which is how I got to Neurosis. It's nice to hear this kind of industrial 90s metal that I'd only ever previously heard in Tool from another angle, and it is especially nice to hear bagpipes in a drone metal context - a thought I'd had independently about a week before hearing this album and was glad to have willed into existence before me.
Shallow Sun - Real Estate: Time! I love a song about aging that mentions specific years and ages so you can count along on your fingers. '25 in 2010... so he was 24 when they put out in their first album.. 39 in 24.. so he's... 35 now.. and i'm 28... which means I'm... 3 albums behind..'
Quand Vas Tu Retrer - Melody's Echo Chamber: I'll listen to any song in 5/4. It is simply groovy. This song is so beautifully textured it feels like you can just get completely lost in the sound while the groove moves it along.
Living Through Another Cuba - XTC: I think I've posted this song on one of these playlists before but fuck it, the more time passes the more I think this might be one of the best songs ever written and a complete and total encapsulation of the cold war mood. The absolute maniac resigned powerlessnes on full display, screaming and shouting about pullings fins from an atom bomb and the absolute certainty that even if the world isn't destroyed this time it'll all come around again soon enough anyway.
Time - U.S. Girls: I am a huge proponent of the long song at the end of the record as a concept, and really I believe every song should be the long song at the end of the record if at all possible. This amount of colour in this jam is just incedible, it never gets weighed down or waylaid it just keeps moving though an ever shifting kaleidoscope and I absolutely love it. It also reminds me of Los Bitchos who were on one of my secret lost playlists from December so it's nice to have their vibe represented here at least. This song also interestingly ties into a thought I was having this week about the limits of music wherein time is the only immutable constant. In all of life music is an inescapable constant of course, but in music especially compared to visual art or written art, time is an inexorable force. You simply cannot bend time in music, a song or performance will always have a duration that will define it, short or long, which cannot be muted or played with in the same way that rhythm or tonality can. 4'33" is a good example of that, being devoid of everything except time. When there is nothing, there is still time. Canyons of time.
Bad Magic - Weyes Blood: I got to see Weyes Blood a couple of weeks ago and I feel extremely blessed that I did. She's just amazing. She played this song solo as her last encore, and she's in a sort of interesting position of blowing up majorly on her fourth album so people (myself included) weren't overly familiar with her older stuff. So when she said 'this is a song called Bad Magic' everyone clapped politely and one woman right up the back screamed "oh my GOD??" which is the kind of personal, just for her, singular experience I'm always here for. Hearing this song for the first time in that setting has really made me fall in love with it. The thing that's always alienated me a little abot Weyes Blood's earlier work, and the thing she changed so dramatically on Titanic Rising is the structuring of her songs. Titanic Rising embraces pop songwriting so wonderfully where her earlier work was so much shaggier and harder to access as a result - but in this song I love it. This song is meandering and long and wanders around in circles and I'm here for every second of it.
Listen to this playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ZraEZOeS6qvVxfnz3AJS9
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This segment features artists who have submitted their tracks/videos to She Makes Music. If you would like to be featured here then please send an e-mail to [email protected]. We look forward to hearing from you!
Emily Kate
Toronto-based recording artist, Emily Kate perfectly bridges the gap between country and pop with her unique sound and lyrical storytelling. Pulling from real life experiences, her music conveys relatable thoughtful messages weaved with fresh, soulful melodies. Her meaning filled lyrics coupled with her warm sound is often described as Kelsea Ballerini meets a motivational speaker. She has just released her new EP All In. “These songs have taught me how to love myself, feel inspired, chase my dreams, have fun and grow as a person,” says Emily. “They've been my reminder and helped me through heartbreaks, insecurities, and now they get to be yours. All In features a track which I wrote the morning after a fun night out. This upbeat song is about going out with friends and meeting someone who takes your breath away. Its lyrics are a twist on the common saying, you had me at hello, and instead, this song is about someone having you ‘The Whole Time.’” Listen below.
Emily Kate · The Whole Time
Jordana Talsky
Jordana Talsky is a singer-songwriter and vocal looper who fuses multi-genre influences into her own sound. She accompanies herself by voice with a Roland Boss RC505 loop station. Her ethos is to incorporate digital means into live performance in an organic way, and with the loop machine, she creates a choir on the spot with no pre-recorded parts. Her new single ‘Oh Yeah,’ represents a moment of awakening, like when you remember something you had forgotten about a dream that all of a sudden comes back in a flash, a moment to stand outside of yourself and contemplate, embrace, and inquire of your life. “It takes work, all the time, to choose not to look away and to be honest with ourselves,” says Jordana. “These moments, delicate and challenging, are insights into our authentic selves, that may offer a fresh vantage point from which we can choose to heal and evolve. Inspirational, fun and harmony-rich indie-pop, ‘Oh Yeah’ is about listening to your inner voice and taking faith in the spark you uncovered deep within you.” Listen below.
Jordana Talsky · Oh Yeah
Nimkish
To fully immerse in the multitudes of rising queer Indigenous star, Nimkish, is to honour the past, look ahead to the future, and bask in the resplendent present all at once. The Vancouver-based artist is fearless in her lyricism, confronting anti-Indigenous racism and colonial violence alongside other hard subjects like anxiety, grief and heartache. To the great tradition of singer-songwriters healing through their music, Nimkish brings a bright-eyed aim to flourish in all she has experienced. Nimkish’s lyrics give affirmation to past pain while living in the moment. To some it may sound like escapism, to others it may sound like moxie-driven R&B-pop pulsing through the club. What’s certain is her fortitude — she’s on a mission, combining the coolness and creativity of the TikTok generation with the lucidity and confidence of a grown woman. Nimkish’s anthemic new single, ‘YSB,’ features ASCXNSION and is about the need for healing, freedom, and to be heard. "’YSB’ is about the need for healing, freedom, and to be heard,” explains Nimkish. “Are you listening? Do you hear me? Am I screaming out into nothing? This song is about feeling like you can't get ahead, and specific issues that we as Indigenous women work through on a daily basis. Our generation has been left to deal with trauma and we are continually fighting for equity. It can feel exhausting to constantly try to be truly heard. I wanted to go deeper on this project and write about real shit. What we have created is anthemic, resilient, and confrontational, despite the vulnerability that it took to write about our lived experiences. This release is about showcasing Indigenous excellence and the need to amplify our voices. Our time is now – the future is Indigenous.” Listen below.
NIMKISH · YSB (feat. ASCXNSION)
Tana
Tana is an artist, writer and a topliner with charge and a unique flair for lyrics and melody. Her rich and diverse views on gay culture, have strongly influenced her musical and personal journey. Tana’s music is unapologetic, revolutionary, and liberating. At heart, Tana is a true artist, and is inspired by many things around her - people, sexuality, her heritage (being half Italian and Nigerian), the city she grew up in, and the LGBT community. She places diversity at heart and aims to make music that relates to the masses, whilst pushing her creativity at all times. Her array of influences create new ideas and sounds that break traditional boundaries. Think Halsey & The Weekend. She has just released her new single ‘Bad Habits (Keep On Coming)’. Tana says of the track: “I wrote ‘Bad Habits (Keep On Coming)’ over lockdown, and it’s about wanting to grow from a toxic relationship. I found myself holding onto flaws and limitations that really effected my personal growth, and writing about it helped me recognise these issues and learn from this experience.” Listen below.
Love Crumbs
Love Crumbs is a folk-rock and Americana group based in Massachusetts. Known for blending poignant lyrics with evocative vocal storytelling, their nostalgic, timeless, heart-on-sleeve sound harkens to a bygone era. They have just released their new single ‘Ellipses’. “The track is about trying to connect with someone and not being able to despite the best of intentions,” says Mike. “It's about the things that aren't said or are left unsaid. It's about a meaningful relationship that ended kind of suddenly. The person was typing to me (as evidenced by the "...") but I never got to hear their response. Closure isn't something that someone gives us, in the end. It's something that we have to come to on our own. The sonic influences for me on this track, probably in particular the chord changes in the verses are Neil Young, the pre-chorus Tom Waits. I wanted to stack Ali's vocals because it has an unreal sound (not occurring naturally, similar to Royals by Lorde) that can work in the right context.” Listen below.
Love Crumbs · Ellipses
Anniee
Anniee is an electronic artist and theatre composer based in Montclair, NJ just outside NYC. As a vocalist she has performed in a variety of styles and genres. Recently she has turned her attention to producing synthwave and retrowave tracks with modern and minimalist vibes. She has just released her new track 'Lonely Wolves'. "'Lonely Wolves' is moody and driving, with retro vibes and a modern sensibility—an intense journey exploring breakdown in relationship," says Anniee. Listen below.
Anniee · Lonely Wolves
Leah Rose
Emerging pop songwriter and producer Leah Rose has released her debut single ‘Goodnight’. The melancholic hue of ‘Goodnight’ arises from the sentimentality of a writer reflecting on a landscape they no longer exist in. The song was written and recorded in lockdown and is a prime example of how an artists’ time in isolation can result in the inevitable dissection of their past. Sonically, ‘Goodnight’ was inspired by artists such as Lorde, The Weeknd and Charli XCX. Leah Rose is a Cork-born artist who has spent the last 5 years based in Dublin. She spent much of that time honing her craft, finding inspiration in lyricists such as Alex Turner and Lana Del Rey. Strong imagery and colour play a huge role in Leah’s songwriting. Growing up with artists for parents meant that Leah was exposed to a range of visual art forms at a young age. She strives to create art not only through music but through her artwork, photography and overall visual aesthetic. “I see my songwriting style as atmospheric and somewhat abstract,” she says. “I love being able to use music as a tool to materialise the things I see in my mind. So when I write a song I try to place the listener right in the centre of my memories and daydreams”. Listen to ‘Goodnight’ below.
Leah Rose · Goodnight
Felyce
Felyce's alt-pop root influences shine through on her shuffling and atmospheric alternative Pop/R&B new single ‘Skin’. The Paris-based singer-songwriter Felyce shares the struggle she faced accepting the color of her skin while growing in France. Getting away from slow tempos, ‘Skin’ offers an energetic but still dark ambiance. Felyce wrote and performed ‘Skin’ and she worked with professional arranger Nicolas Lassus to make the song what it is now. She said in statement: "I wrote 'Skin' thinking about that beautiful story I heard once. A young black girl wondered why her skin was so dark and her mother told her the reason was because the sun loved her too much. That story really stuck with me". Born and raised in Paris, she spent most of her time between stage performances and school until high school when she put most of her focus on studying while writing her first full songs on the side. Felyce graduated from university in 2016 before starting a short career in HR but she realized that music was the only career for her and began learning production the next year while working on her debut EP Fear which dropped in 2018. She's been steadily releasing singles and crafting her sound since; embracing her formative influences, including British pop music acts like Sam Smith, Robbie Williams, Birdy, and American pop acts such as Lana Del Rey or Banks. Listen to ‘Skin’ below.
Kenzie Webley
Kenzie Webley has been writing songs since she was 13 years old but only started recording last year just before lockdown. Her new single 'Loveable' is out now to coincide with her finishing her A levels. Her debut album is almost finished and she already has the songs written for her second album! 'Loveable' tells the story of a couple arguing in public after a night out. It's from the perspective of someone who recognises their own culpability in the events. Listen below.
URARTA
URARTA’s new EP consists of four tracks centred around the issues of standing up for yourself and others, respecting the planet’s boundaries and looking out for your own. Musically, the band has its heart in punk, but simultaneously flirts with genres such as post punk, alt-rock, noise, Goth and indie. The lyrics are in English and in the dialect of Skåne –the southern part of Sweden where the band also has its geographical base. URARTA consists of Monica Richter (vocals), Ketty Hagmann (bass) and Tove Lorentz (drums). Listen to the song ‘D.I.Y’ below.
Vol 2: Vi Fick Fel Adress by Ursäkta Röran
#submission saturday#emily kate#jordana talsky#nimkish#tana#loe crumbs#anniee#leah rose#felyce#kenzie webley#urarta
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The Andy Bird Diaries
The penniless Englishman who seduced Madonna"
PART ONE Exclusive by Alice Fowler.
The letter was and, heartfelt, and surprisingly vulnerable especially when one considers that the writer is perhaps the most famous woman on the planet.
'I will never get over you,' it said. 'You have touched me in an unfathomable and unexplainable way. 'You say that there can be no love without trust and I couldn't agree more. But you mistrusted me long before I behaved in an untrustworthy fashion. 'All of this just perpetuated more negative and reactive behaviour in both of us. We went to our corners and drew our swords. 'The irony now is that I'm alone completely. Alone with my thoughts and my memories. I have so many fond memories of you in my house and, m fact, they we the happiest memories of my life. It is so very hard to let go of them. 'I wish so many things. I wish that we were together and happy. I wish that we'd had a child wish that you were feeling fulfilled, artistically and creatively you have such a brilliant mind I wish I wish, I wish...' 'Most of all, I wish you happiness and peace in your heart and mind. Please know that you are my last thought before I go to sleep and my first thought when I wake up. 'My love for you is profound and immense. Confusing and mysterious. I long to put my arms around you.'
These were the words that Madonna wrote to the man who was the last great love of her life before her marriage to film maker Guy Ritchie a dreamy impoverished Englishman named Andy Bird. They came towards the end of their tumultuous 18 month affair. For Madonna, Bird followed a long list of high profile partner's including Sean Penn and Warren Beatty, pop singer Prince and John F Kennedy Jr. But as her letter suggests, this anonymous figure stirred deeper feelings in her than any of his celebrity predecessors. Indeed, had fate taken a different twist, perhaps Andy Bind rather than Guy Ritchie might have followed Seen Penn as Madonna's second husband. Certainly, but for a harrowing abortion that we will return to later, he would now be the father of Madonna's child. Few would recognise Andy Bird's name today. Yet his relationship with Madonna spanned a crucial period in her life, ending in bitter arguments around the time she met Ritchie. At the start, they were blissfully happy. The lyrics of Madonna's song Beautiful Stranger To love you is to be part of you, I've paid for you with my tears, And swallowed all my Pride - were inspired by Andy Bird.
Extraordinarily, Madonna, wealthy, ambitious and famously astute lost her heart to this charming drifter who slept on friends' sofas. It was an attraction of opposites the material girl and the man with nothing; the health conscious singer and the chain smoker; the glamorous star and the face in the crowd. But together as we are about to discover, their life ran a rollercoaster course from the heights of emotion to arguments about Bird's sweaty feet (she would make him disinfect them before he came to bed). The affair wrenched this unassuming figure from the provinces born in Birmingham, the son of an accountant and an educational social worker to the centre of a very different and dazzling world. Bird came to know the private Madonna: the woman who would sing snatches of opera as she cooked Pop Tarts for breakfast, whose hopeless driving would cause havoc on the roads, who gave him clothes that ware invariably the wrong size. To learn the inside story of their relationship - as we will do during this exclusive Mail series, which continues on Monday - is to gain an entirely new insight into the world's most scrutinised woman. She emerges as a far more tender and attractive figure than previous accounts have suggested.
Over the coming days, we will discover the truth about that abortion which left them both drained and distraught; their extraordinary life together with Sting, Stella McCartney and some of showbusiness's greatest names and the very public clash in which Ritchie scuffled with Bird at a London bar. Until now, Bird has never talked publicly about his love for Madonna. He has shrunk instinctively from the public gaze. The reason he has chosen to speak out now, he says, is to put right the many inaccuracies which continue to be written about him. By telling the truth, he hopes, he can draw a line under the past and move on. It is not a task he finds easy. At times, as we talk, he squirms with reluctance. That Madonna should fall for this likeable, irresponsible man far younger than his years, is the greatest surprise of all.
Madonna, after all, is famed as a manipulator, renowned for her need to control - most notably in her affair with Carlos Leon the handsome fitness instructor seemingly picked out to father her child. Lourdes, then cast aside. Perhaps the clearest sign of the depth of Madonna's feelings for Bird is that she found it impossible to discard him in the same way, He was her 'beautiful stranger' and for many months, even after she had met Guy Ritchie, impossible to let go. They met in the summer of 1997 through a mutual friend. Alek Keshishian the moviemaker, who had directed Truth or Dare: In Bed With Madonna, the film of her 1990 world tour. Andy was 32 seven years her junior and living a bohemian life in London's Notting Hill. A former art, student, he was Involved on the outer edges of the film industry, working as a runner for production companies and creating film scenarios of his own. He earned money sporadically, sleeping on friends' sofas for weeks at a time, and wrote a script for an off-beat comedy that he showed to an American film producer he met In London. The American agreed to fly him to LA, using her surplus air miles to try to develop the project.
The week before he was due to leave, Andy went to see Keshishian in Paris to talk about his LA trip. Alek was well known in Hollywood, with no shortage of contacts. 'On a couple of occasions he let slip: Oh I know someone who'd likes you,' Bird recalls. 'He said it was someone I'd really get along with, but he never mentioned who it was. He's the kind of person who knows everyone and likes to show off the fact. 'While I was there, he was on the phone and suddenly said: 'Andrew, say Hello to Madonna, 'Why he did it I still don't know. 'Anyway, I took the phone and said "Hello to Madonna and there was a little giggly voice at the other end. Though he knew Alek was a friend of Madonna, Andy was still unsure whether he really was talking to the singer. It could just have been some strange joke. 'But we chatted for a bit and by the end of the call she seemed like a really nice person, whoever it was I was talking to. The conversation ended with her saying: 'Tell Alek to give you my numbers in L.A'
It seems extraordinary for a star like Madonna to give me her telephone number so freely. Perhaps, says Andy, Alek had already mentioned him to her. He took the number, and. on the Eurostar back to London, decided to find out if they were real, 'I rang up and said: Hi, how are you doing?' and she said 'I'm practising yoga,' or whatever. 'I remember thinking she sounded sweet. She's got a very nice phone voice; quite low and soft. There was a connection between us.' By now there was no doubt he was talking to Madonna herself. 'I suppose other people would have found it really weird to be taking to her, but somehow it didn't feel that strange,' says Bird. I just thought I was speaking to a girl I was getting on really well with. I was speaking to the person, not the icon. 'To start with, we just chatted about Alek. But she also was making an album with the producer William, Orbit, whose work I really admired, and I was very Interested in that.'
Even though Andy hadn't been looking for a relationship, one soon started to develop. 'We spoke several more times. It ended with us talking for a couple of hours a day on the phone before I even got to LA. She was flirty - she's a very flirty person, and I just flirted back, I asked her: 'Do you want me to bring you a present when I come over?' She said; 'Yes some of those waffle biscuits they sell on the Portobello Road.' 'Our conversations, were a first-thing-in-the-morning, last-thing-at-night kind of deal. There was certainly a degree of intimacy at that point. By the end we were actually saying, 'I miss you'" when we hadn't spoken for a few hours. There was a genuine keenness to meet.'
Back in London for the few days before he left for LA, he made no secret of his strange new friendship. My phone would ring in a bar, and it would be Madonna saying 'How are you?" My friends were a bit surprised and it was a big joke for five minutes, but after that they got used to it,' Perhaps his friends were too anxious to seem 'cool' to exhibit mere excitement. Whatever the explanation, Andy admits this lack of interest was one of the reasons why, later, he was unprepared for the frenzy of attention when their relationship became more widely known.
Full of anticipation, he flew to LA and went to stay with his producer friend. The next day, he called Madonna. 'It was three clays before we eventually met up. I was a bit nervous. I met her at this photographer's studio where they were shooting a cover for Rolling Stone magazine, 1 had to wait outside because I couldn't smoke in the studio. 'I had a Safeway bag with her biscuits from Portobello Road in it. I was wearing a fake-fur coat a mate had given me. At that stage I was into wearing ripped?up clothes and holding them together with tape. 'After 20 minutes I was called in. She war hiding behind a curtain. I think her first words were: "Hello, you!" My first impression was: 'Isn't she tiny?' She had very long, blonde Goldilocks-style hair at the time, and she was dressed all in black. 'We chatted for a bit, and then we got into her car and she drove us to a dinner party she'd been invited to.' Madonna, it appeared, was nervous, too. 'She reversed into a wall as she was turning round, She was screaming: "'Andy, I hit something I think I probably swore - but it was only surface damage' he adds wryly. The dinner was informal. 'Everyone was in the kitchen, sitting on benches. Even so I felt a bit like a fish out of water, because I didn't know a soul, including her. People always ask questions when they don't know you, and I hate being asked questions. 'Somebody asked: 'Where do you live in London?' Madonna piped up 'He's a sofa surfer' because she knew I slept on friends' sofas. We were teasing one another from the outset.' Madonna seemed to be testing his reactions, checking out if he could really handle the prospect of a relationship with her. 'We were driving back after the dinner and she said: 'Shall I drop you at a hotel, because that's what I usually do with my dates, or do you want to come back to mine and call a cab from there?' 'It was all very flippant so I just said: 'I'm bloody going to yours.'She made some coffee and called a cab. I think we kissed.'
By then we were feeling at case with one another. We'd spoken so much already that a lot of barriers had gone down.' Andy also had his first glimpse of her LA home, an old Spanish-style house, filled with antique furniture and paintings. It was, he says, stylish but understated - a place where a guest could feel at home. 'It felt very natural, not at all forced. And she wasn't at all Madonna-ish, in a predatory way. She was warm and affectionate and womanly. She's really very normal: a lovely, traditional, sweet person. 'There was no problem being alone with her. I was more worried about getting back and waking up my producer friend to borrow some U.S. dollars to pay the taxi.'
Next evening, the two went out to dinner alone, at a restaurant near Madonna's studio. This time it was Andy's turn to tease her. I remember saying to her: "Kindness costs nothing," when she got fed up with waiting for a table and snapped ever so slightly at the waiter. 'Funnily enough, she seemed to think I spouting 'from some fount of knowledge. For me it was just a proverb, but perhaps in California it sounded like a deep spiritual insight. 'And after all, it was only our second date. We were hanging on each other's every word.' That evening. Andy mentions in passing, was also one of the few times he paid for dinner. In the excitement of a new relationship, such disparities - her vast wealth, his total lack of it - seemed not to matter. Perhaps, I suggest, it even added to the romance. In hindsight at least. Andy thinks otherwise. 'She's very much a realist: she probably saw it as problematic but chose to ignore it,' he says frankly.
Already the relationship had developed a sexual spark. 'It was brilliant: warm and exciting but quite gentle,' Andy remembers. 'We were holding hands, she was taking my arm, pretty much from the outset. 'It all seemed very natural. I'm a romantic anyway, and she's got a very big heart.' When he arrived in America, Andy had scant knowledge of Madonna's life. 'I knew she had a daughter, but what her name was I didn't know. 'I was aware she'd had relationships in the past, but none of them was an issue. I'd kind of separated Madonna as a pop star from the person I was with. 'You get so wrapped up with the person that their past really doesn't matter. We were in the throes of becoming infatuated, falling in love. 'The magic that goes on inside you when just sitting in a traffic jam can be brilliant, because you get to spend time with that person. That's probably why I was oblivious to the whole fame issue.'
Perhaps, for Madonna, that ability to see her as a normal person was the clue to Andy's appeal. In him - in contrast to so many hangers-on, she may have felt she'd met a man who valued her purely for herself. Whatever the reason, within the space of a week, Andy Bird and Madonna became lovers. Was he nervous, I ask, and Andy looks mortified. 'It wasn't like that. I was having a relationship with a woman called Madonna. I was no more nervous with her than I've been with anyone, before or since. She was an individual I wanted to share a closeness with.' He pauses, looking wistful. 'It was quite a soulful thing.'
So who really is this Englishman who captured Madonna's heart. When I first speak to Andy Bird, by telephone, his voice is deep and laconic: the kind that might, indeed, suggest romance. When we meet, he is more shy and diffident than I expect. He is tall, with long dark hair swept back from his face, and striking green eyes. But at 36 he displays an unhealthy pallor, honed on a diet of Diet Coke and Marlboro cigarettes. Later, when he shows me a photo of himself with Madonna and Lourdes, I am surprised by how much brighter and healthier he appears, the intervening years you sense, have left their mark on Andy Bird.
His parents, he says, were middle-class mavericks who left the city to start a new life in the Warwickshire countryside when he was two. They kept pigs and lived their version of The Good Life. At school - first a local primary, then a nearby prep school, followed by a comprehensive Andy was an unacademic student, spending most of his time 'messing wound with friends in bands'. After school, he went to London to study design at Kingston Polytechnic. When he left, he drifted. Good-looking and easy-going, he began modelling, his trip to America was partly financed by a fleeting appearance in a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial - and made karaoke videos. Affable and relaxed, he made friends easily 'I was meeting lots of different people, going to trendy bars, being put on the right guest lists,' he recalls. By the time he had met Madonna, he had, he says seriously, 500 friends. His social life revolved around fashionable restaurants such as 192 in Notting Hill, his gym on Portobello Green and the Met Bar, where he was friends with the manager. Many of his friends were connected to the media. It should have been obvious that, when he began a relationship with Madonna, there was no chance of it staying secret. Five hundred 'friends' were ready to sell information to the newspapers. To Andy's surprise if no one else's - his old, bohemian existence would blow up in his face.
Back in the autumn of 1997 though, Notting Hill felt far away. Andy was in LA caught up in a burgeoning love affair. Madonna was working in the studio, finishing her best-selling album, Ray Of Light. Andy spent almost every night with her, staying at her house in Los Felix. Quickly Andy's life fell into a routine. In the morning, he and Madonna would wake up early and takes it in turns to make coffee. Then, while she practised yoga for a couple of hours, he would play with Lourdes - Lola, as her mother called her, or 'set up meetings on his still unrealised film project. In the evenings they would meet for dinner, sometimes at the tiny macrobiotic restaurant 'really good and cheap' and maybe watch a film. He also spent time with the rest of the household: Daisy the maid, Lola's nanny Clara, and Manual the gardener. When I meet Andy at a hotel in England, he swiftly befriends every waiter; in LA, though he was dating a superstar, his behaviour was no different. He rented a Dodge pick-up and often would meet Madonna and follow her in his car. It was a rapid introduction to one of his new girlfriends surprising quirks - her terrible same of direction. 'I'd only been there a short time, but I'd still work out we were going completely the wrong way,' he remembers. 'Following her was a nightmare. You'd be at traffic lights, and out of nowhere she'd edge her way across the lanes and in the lane for turning left, and there was no way you could follow her. It's ironic really somebody with so much direction in their life not to have a clue where they were going.'
While he struggled with her driving, Madonna would try to get him to wear new clothes. 'She's given quite a lot of stuff by designers and fashion companies, and so a black velvet suit showed up that, thankfully I didn't fit into. Then there was a velvet double-breasted coat all Dolce & Gabbana that was too big. 'It was a bit like getting presents from your granny at Christmas things you'd wear for a couple of days just to please them, and then forget about.'
For the most part, though, the couple enjoyed their new found closeness. 'For both of us there was a real sense of familiarity. You know, when you feel you've met somebody before.' says Andy. 'My feelings were strong, and so were hers. There was a powerful physical and emotional attraction between us. 'There was also a sense of vulnerability the way there is when you meet someone new. She would ask my opinion on a lot of things. 'At that time, Lola was less than year old. Madonna was unsure about motherhood what was normal and what wasn't. I helped out as much as I could.' In the beginning, Andy had intended to go to LA for just three weeks. In fact, swept up in the passion of a new relationship, three months passed before he begun to think about coming home. That November, Madonna was visiting Britain to prepare for the release of Ray Of Light. Andy was short of money and starting to feel homesick. They decided to come to London together, as a couple. Andy came over a few days before her 'It was brilliant to be back. I knew I'd missed my friends, but I'd been in such a cocoon I hadn't realised how much,' he says.
Three days later, Madonna's private jet landed at Luton airport. Andy picked her up in a Range Rover with blacked out windows. 'It was great to see her again. She was staying at a house in Tregunter Road, close to The Boltons, one of the most exclusive areas of South Kensington. It was a kind of unspoken assumption that we'd be there together' For a day or two, no one knew about it. Then Andy took her to a friend's birthday party. Next day, he says ruefully, everything went crazy: their relationship was front-page news. 'It was just awful.' Andy remembers, shrinking into his chair, 'My phone rang incessantly; stories were being written about me. I was being followed. 'One of the red-top tabloids printed a number for anyone who knew mystery man Andy Bird to call. There was even a phone in on Radio 1 for people to say what they thought about Madonna's latest choice of boyfriend.'
For Andy, the media onslaught was a total shock. I knew they'd all be interested in her, but I didn't really think they'd care about who she was dating. 'I know it sound, ridiculous now, and I was obviously being downright stupid but 1 just perceived me as being me and I knew her as somebody else my girlfriend.' Surely Madonna herself must have known what would happen? 'You would have thought so, but I don't think she wanted to acknowledge the fact it might have a detrimental effect on us, or on me. 'Also, after 15 or 20 years in the spotlight it becomes normal, I imagine. It only became an issue after my reaction to it. It made me really withdrawn. 1 felt paranoid. I hadn't realised I would care what anyone wrote about me, but it really did upset me. 'Most hurtfully, says Andy, he was labelled a 'wannabe'. 'The implication was that the only way I was going to get fame and success and some semblance of a career was by hanging about with Madonna. That hurt my pride a lot.' The differences between them, which in America had hardly mattered, were rammed in their faces in Britain. At the same time, Andy was still trying to treat Madonna like any other girlfriend. He took her to friends' flats in West London. 'Most people were fine, but some were horrified at the idea of this superstar coming into their homes. 'No! It's filthy!' they'd say. 'You mustn't come!' 'Others went wild with excitement and you'd think: 'For God's sake, calm down.' Madonna, he says, was charming add polite I think maybe she felt like a novelty, being wheeled about. I think she quite shy in a certain way. But she was my girlfriend and I wanted her to meet my friends.'
Andy was also keen to introduce Madonna to his parents, Horace and Kathleen. 'I wanted to show her another side of me, to show her where I grew up. I didn't envisage spending a lot of time with them; just introducing her and going for a country drive perhaps. 'I rang my parents and said please don't make any more effort than you normally would," and they were fine.' On a Sunday afternoon, Andy drove Madonna and Lola to the large house his parents built 30 years ago near the village of Clifford Chambers in Warwickshire. With its wide, pitched roof and adjoining garage, it looks like the kind of house stockbrokers retire to. The three of them arrived late. 'It took us ages to get out of London because we were having to sort the baby out and deal with the paparazzi waiting outside our house. 'And, of course, Americans only drive at 50mph, so me doing 90mph down the motorway isn't go down very well at all. 'We didn't actually get there until 4pm, and when my parents opened the door they were dressed in their best clothes. They saw my face and said: 'This isn't for you we're going to a drinks party. We can only stay 20 minutes.' My mum said to Madonna something like: 'Oh, let me give you a kiss because I always kiss Andrews girlfriends.'Then she got the baby photos out: 'Here's Andrew naked in the sink at three months old.Few families you imagine, would have reacted so calmly to a pop icon sitting on their sofa. Andy's, he explains, is different: 'They hardly watch TV and don't read tabloid newspapers. I suppose you could say the whole cult of celebrity has passed them by 'They were at their ease they're very down to earth people They were more worried about being late for their drinks party than anything else.' There was, however, one unexpected hitch. A paparazzi photographer had followed them from London and was waiting outside the house. 'That made it very difficult,' says Andy, still indignant at the intrusion. 'We had to close the curtains so he couldn't see in.' Andy was angry most of all with himself, for bringing his parents into the public eye. All the same, he adds, he eventually took the photographer a cup of tea and some homemade cakes. 'I felt sorry for him' he explains helplessly.
Next day, he was shocked to find the visit was a major news story. I still had no idea that my parents' house would be on the front page of one of the tabloids. When I saw that, I realised the whole visit was a mistake. I didn't want to involve my parents in all that.' For both him and Madonna, the strain was starting to tell. 'I was starting to withdraw into myself. She could tell I wasn't happy. 'We tried to make light of it, but the situation had changed. It did get to me, and I didn't handle it very well, I was frightened to answer my phone. My stomach churns just talking about it, 'We still really cared about each other, but I was becoming much more aware of how difficult life would be with her. She was frustrated that this stuff upset me. At one point she said to me 'Oh Andrew you love me, but you hate my life.'That was completely true. But what do you do in that situation? I still loved being in her company. I thought the papers would get bored. But I wanted my freedom back.' Late one night, when their visit to London was close to an end, he went for a drive on his own. 'I needed to forget about the whole situation. 'I was questioning everything. I'd begun to feel that perhaps I really was this no-hoper everyone said I was. I didn't want to end the relationship, but I had to prove I wasn't just trying to ride on Madonna's coat tails.' Finally, after driving for many hours, Andy made his decision. He would not go back to America with Madonna, but stay in London and rebuild his life. He hoped their relationship could survive; if not, he would have to accept it.
When he got back to Tregunter Road, Madonna was waiting for him. 'She wanted to knew where I'd been for all this time. 'I just said: 'Listen I've been thinking and I've get something to tell you.'Before I could say another word, she said: 'Well, I've got something to tell you, too.'And that's when she told me she was having a baby.' The pregnancy was totally unexpected 'We were careful.' says Andy, his voice a whisper. 'I was numb, shocked, happy, panicked, sad, tired. I was looking into her eyes, trying desperately to see how she felt. 'When you're really fond of someone, there's a part of you that's happy in that situation; another part that thinks 'Oh no.'It was very early days in our relationship, and I was beginning to realise events were running me, not the other way round. 'I was full of self?doubt anyway, because of all the things being written about me in the newspapers. I wasn't sure I should even be allowed to father a child. I was in a tumultuous state, but trying my hardest to be calm.' His main concern was for Madonna. 'When someone tells you that kind of news, your overwhelming sense is to know how they are. A man feels that even more keenly, because it's something that goes on in the other person's body and you are completely cut off from it.' He pauses, looking helpless. 'I wanted to do the right thing,' he says. 'Whatever that was.'
Daily Mail - 21 January 2002
"The penniless Englishman who seduced Madonna"
PART TWO Exclusive by Alice Fowler
Madonna was pregnant and the timing could hardly have been worse. It wasn't that she didn't want another baby, it was no secret that she was keen to provide her only daughter, Lourdes, with a brother or sister. But November 1997 simply wasn't the right moment. Her relationship with the unborn baby's father, Andy Bird, was just three months old. And already their passionate affair, Madonna's last great romance before her marriage to Guy Ritchie, was under enormous strain.
Andy, a charming English drifter whom she'd met through a mutual friend, was finding the publicity surrounding their unlikely liaison impossible to live with. Virtually penniless, and a stranger to the public eye, he'd been sucked into a world that was utterly alien to him. As we saw on Saturday in the first part of this series, his very indifference to fame had enabled him to stir deeper feelings in Madonna than any of the celebrity lovers of her past. Later, she would describe her memories of their times together as 'the happiest of my life'. For once, it seems, she felt sure that her boyfriend valued her for herself, rather than her public image. But was he the right man to father her baby? Could their relationship survive the worldwide attention that her pregnancy would attract? The events of the next few days were to be pivotal in Andy's life and Madonna's.
'I wish that we were together and happy she wrote to him later, when the relationship finally began to unravel. 'I wish we'd had a child.' On the night that Madonna learned she was pregnant, Andy was driving through London on his own. He wanted time to think about his future and had made up his mind not to return with Madonna to America when she left to promote her new album. Ray Of Light. Instead, he intended to stay in Britain and hide from the glare of the media. If that meant the end of their relationship, it was a risk he was reluctantly prepared to accept.
But before he could reveal his decision Madonna stunned him with her own momentous news. 'I don't think she was sure how she felt,' he remembers. 'She was experiencing the same turmoil I was. Everything about the relationship was in flux'. They had little chance to talk on what was the last night of her stay in London 'We were packing, getting everything done, there were people calling up. We weren't alone, there were nannies and assistants, and her friends coming over to say goodbye. For Andy, already questioning every aspect of his life, there was no one he could turn to for support, I couldn't tell a soul, because I didn't know whom I could trust. I didn't even tell my parents.' Instead, next morning, he and Madonna flew to Miami.
For Andy all thoughts of staying behind in London had evaporated. They spent a few quiet days together at Madonna's three?storey Twenties house in Coconut Grove, next to Sylvester Stallone's estate. For a while, the pregnancy increased their closeness. But, for Madonna in particular, pressures were mounting. 'She was working very hard,' says Andy. 'She'd just finished Ray Of Light and was preparing for the videos. She had a Vanity Fair shoot coming up with Mario Testino the top photographer, and Dolce & Gabbana, had made all these clothes specifically for the shoot. 'There's no getting out of things like that. And they take forever.' They talked about what to do about their unborn child. 'I wanted to support her in her choice, whatever it was,' says Andy. According to the line pedalled by one of Madonna's most recent biographers that choice was made for her. In this version of events she had a miscarriage in her seventh week. The same biographer even repeats claims by Madonna's friends that Andy Bird knew nothing of her condition until after the event. The facts are rather different and sadder. For a few days, the singer wrestled with the decision. In the end, she had an abortion. 'I felt terrible. Absolutely terrible,' says Andy, with painful emphasis. Even now he is unable to talk about a loss so personal he refers to it only as 'the event'.
For them both, it sounds a lonely, desolate time. 'We didn't even have that much time to talk together' he says quietly. 'She had to go to New York for a tribute to her murdered friend Gianni Versace, but she wanted me to go back to her house in LA to get things ready for when she joined me in a few days. 'I felt estranged from everything, and I assume she did, too. It was terribly sad. We were deeply upset. 'Perhaps it would have helped to sit down together, without even talking, and to share a closeness. But long, shared silences don't work the same way on the telephone. They're just long silences and I do remember quite a few. I tried to be supportive, though whether I succeeded is another matter.'
On his own, he felt an overwhelming sense of loss. I wanted to be able to compensate in some way for what had happened. But at the time I was flat broke, I didn't even have a credit card. 'I couldn't arrange for a bunch of flowers to be delivered to her, let alone arrive with one myself. I felt guilty about that as well.' Why didn't he ask Madonna to fly him to New York so they could be together? 'I didn't want to impose on her,' he says awkwardly, 'I wanted to be able to do these things without asking her permission. Perhaps, after such a traumatic event, neither was behaving rationally, but was there not, for Andy at least an element of relief at avoiding the responsibility of becoming a father? 'After three or four years, yes,' he says honestly. 'At the time, not even remotely.' In the past, Madonna had undergone other abortions, including one in 1990 when she began pregnant during a short-lived relationship with the bisexual film extra Tony Ward. The foetus was unhealthy and doctors advised her to terminate the pregnancy.
Throughout her 30's, the singer had given public hints of her hopes of another child. By the time she became pregnant by Andy she was 39. It is not hard to imagine why, this time, Madonna was so devastated by the choice she had made. When she returned to LA from Miami, she and Andy tried in vain to recapture the happiness of their first three months. 'It was coming up to Christmas, and I was very pleased to see her and Lola (her nickname for Lourdes),' he remembers. 'But things were never the same after that. The innocence in the relationship had already started to disappear. We couldn't go back, no matter how hard we tried.' Andy, normally laidback and gentle was becoming increasingly volatile. 'I was going to ridiculous lengths to keep out of the headlines, trying never to appear in public with her. 'But she had to do all this work: the organisation of the album and the promotional tour. My moods were very up and down, and it was difficult for us to get time together.'
In February, he decided to move out of Madonna's and rent an apartment of his own, in a part of LA known as Venice Beach. 'She was about to embark on a tour around America and Europe, and I didn't fancy the prospect of staying in the house on my own,' he says. He also wanted more autonomy, to arrange his life as he wanted, rather than constantly fitting around hers. It sounds like the beginning of the end of the relationship, but that is to underestimate the strength of their bond. Through the months that followed, as Andy tried (without much success) to establish a career as a Hollywood screenwriter, he and Madonna continued to share a deep commitment.
For Andy's birthday on February 3 the first they had spent together. Madonna threw a surprise party. 'We went to my favourite restaurant just off Hollywood Boulevard, and when we walked in I saw this huge table, full of people I knew. 'She had called up all the people I knew in Los Angeles and asked them to be there. 'Just as I sat down, two friends of mine from London - Ben and Martina walked through the door. They were the manager and assistant manager at the Met Bar, one of my favourite hang-outs in London, and she'd met them when we were in Britain. She'd paid for their flights and put them up at the Mondrian hotel, one of the best in the city. 'It was a really lovely thing to do. She knew how homesick I was. 'Martina and I were pretty close and Madonna watched us hugging and kissing each other. On our way home from dinner she turned to me and said: "Why do you like me, Andrew, when Martina is so stunningly beautiful?' It's quite sweet to think that somebody like Madonna could feel a little bit insecure and admit it.
But as Andy says it just goes to show that she's a thoroughly normal person.' For Valentine's Day that same month, she bought him a silver Swiss Army knife from Tiffany with 'Birdy be my Valentine' inscribed on it. 'Which I subsequently lost,' adds Andy, looking sheepish. With money he had saved he bought her a Tiffany necklace, with a tiny diamond. 'I used to joke with my friends, 'What do you buy the woman who has everything?' but she was actually really easy to buy presents for. She was always really gracious when she received gifts.'
Andy, meanwhile, was living a life of extraordinary contrasts. On impulse he had bought a battered 1971 Chevrolet Impala coupe. Because it broke down so often, he got to know the owners of a garage in Santa Monica. Soon, he got a job helping out there, to supplement his income from 'bits and pieces' of film work. With Madonna, meanwhile, be was attending some of the glitziest premieres and events in Hollywood - even though, to avoid the cameras, he usually joined her only at the parties afterwards.
Parties like that are work to Madonna, 'he says. 'Deals are done there, and she is brilliant at networking. Occasionally, we would catch each other's eye and have a quick chat but most of the time I just let her get on with it.' When she presented the Best Song statuette to Celine Dion at the Academy Awards, Andy missed the event itself but went to the famous post-Oscars party given by Vanity Fair magazine. 'She'd gone on ahead but had given me the passes to get in. It was great turning up at this fantastic restaurant, behind a line of presidential limousines, in my ridiculous old car.' At the party guests were given cookies decorated with the cover of the magazine in icing. It was meant to be the ultimate going-home present, a sign they had been at the most coveted social event of the year. Andy typically, was unimpressed 'I got very hungry, an I ate mine,' he says, looking mischievous.
On nights on the town like this he would rub shoulders with stars such as Jack Nicholson and Arnold Schwarzenegger. 'I was always trying not to stare,' he says. 'I remember seeing Tony Curtis, whom I'd watched in Some Like It Hot and Spartacus. It was a shock to see a really old man with a well built platinum blonde on his arm.' He met Madonna's friend, Stella McCartney, the celebrity designer, a couple of times 'a lovely girl' and quite often saw her close friends Sting and Trudi Styler. His happiest times, however were spent at home with Madonna and her daughter Lourdes. 'In some ways, Madonna's a very ordinary woman who enjoys doing ordinary things,' he says.
'Like eating liquorice sticks, watching videos in bed or reading the newspapers over breakfast and not saying a word. 'A lot of people see Madonna as being quite an unhappy moody figure, but she spends far more time being happy than she does being sad. When she wants to, she can have a great sense of humour about herself. 'She used to send herself up by calling herself a creamy smooth pop icon goddess and then she would sing opera when she was heating up Pop Tarts for breakfast. 'A lot of the time we would spend playing with Lola or we'd go on family outings to Disneyland. That was probably the most fun we had, being together like a normal couple with a child. 'She got so much joy from her daughter. Just watching Lola trying to run in the park with her little legs flailing about, would set her off laughing. Nannies would take Lola over to the studio when Madonna was recording and she would take at least a couple of hours out to play with her.
I remember the first time she ever spent a night away from Lola. She had to go into the desert to shoot a video and she was so tearful at being apart from her daughter. 'I stayed at the house with Lola and the next days a car was suppose to take her out to the desert to meet her mother but it broke down. 'Madonna was just distraught she was in a state of panic until the car finally arrived and she could see Lola was safe.' Andy also met members of Madonna's family, including her brother Christopher and her father, Tony Ciccone, who owns a vineyard and winery in northern Michigan. 'He's a lovely man, very down to earth. I remember him talking about special varieties of grape that grow under heavy snowfall. 'One Christmas she bought him some piece of irrigation equipment because that was all he wanted. That's how star-struck he is.'
Madonna spoke little of her mother who died of breast cancer when she was five. 'Everybody knows she lost her mother when she was very young, and I can't even imagine how traumatic that must have been for her,' says Andy. 'I think there is probably an element of that loss in some of the lyrics she writes. You can sense it in her work. 'Her mother was deeply religious and quite passionate about the shrine at Lourdes, which is why Madonna gave that name to her daughter.'
With a flair for art and style, Madonna had many friends in the world of fashion, including the designers Donatella Versace and Stefano Gabbana. 'Because she was quite influential in launching Dolce and Gabbana by wearing their clothes in her videos, they look after her very well,' says Andy. 'At their studio in Milan they have a mannequin with her measurements and a bootmakers last in her shoe size. Vans would regularly turn up at the house with rails of their clothes for her to choose from.' Even so, not all her clothes were from designers. 'She could wear the tattiest pair of jeans and still look good in them. Often she'd walk round the house in just a Hennes vest and look fantastic. She once said to me if she didn't do what she did, she would love to have been in fashion journalism. She is very creative.' There is affection and admiration in his voice; Madonna's, he says often, is a lovely woman.
Yet, for Andy at least something had changed. For all the happy times they shared together, and his growing fondness for Lola, the differences between them, those that had first surfaced in London only to be pushed aside were becoming harder to ignore. Andy's self confidence was suffering, trying to develop film projects of his own, he felt he was only taken seriously as Madonna's boyfriend. 'I felt cheap in a way, that I'd got where I was through no merit of my own. 'When opportunities were offered. I didn't take them. I was suspicious of everyone.' Madonna, who had encouraged Andy's career was disappointed at his lack progress. 'I think she thought I had to have a career within that world in order for us to continue a successful relationship. 'Her work is so important to her, and she needed someone whose career was equally important to them. She's very driven, and she ended up wishing I was more driven, too.'
At the start of the relationship, Andy's lack of money had never seemed a problem. Now, his pride became an issue. Simple things, such as Madonna's effort to make her unashamedly scruffy lover wear new clothes, made him angry. 'I eventually bought myself some smarter outfits, but not until we'd been seeing one another for quite a while. I'd hate to think of myself m someone who can be bought. We were fighting more: such as 'Where are my socks?' - 'In the bin' - 'But they've got months left in them.' Our relationship was gradually breaking under the strain of all the things I didn't like about the situation. 'It was changing me: I certainly wasn't the person she had met. I knew I didn't belong in LA. I felt like, a child among a group of adults. And Madonna was changing, too. As time went on, she was less ready to look at the problems between us in a rose-coloured way.' Both recognised the pressures they were under 'I'm so sorry that you were threatened by my career and fame and past,' wrote Madonna sadly to Andy, later in their relationship. 'I wish I could erase all the bad memories between us and go back to LA before we left for New York and London. Before we both got scared.'
The passion that remained between them led to fierce, arguments. 'That in itself can almost make a stronger link between you, because you become locked in battle,' says Andy. 'Everything was heightened.' It was clear the situation could not go on. Finally, Andy decided to leave LA and return to London. Even then, their relationship continued, in angry phone calls and long, heartfelt letters. Neither could let go completely. It was not until late 1998 that the situation began to change.
By then, as we will see tomorrow, Madonna had met the man who would transform her life once more: a little known film-maker named Guy Ritchie.
Daily Mail - 22 January 2002
"The penniless Englishman who seduced Madonna"
PART THREE / FINAL Exclusive by Alice Fowler
Andy Bird remembers clearly the moment his girlfriend Madonna first set eyes on Guy Ritchie. There was, he notes carefully, a 'chemistry' between them. Ironically it is the very word he uses to describe the start of their own extraordinary love affair, just a year before. Bird, an unassuming and virtually penniless Englishman, who was scratching out a living as an aspiring film screenwriter, had been introduced to her through a mutual friend. A sexual spark was struck, and he suddenly found himself the boyfriend of the most famous woman on the planet. It was one of the most unexpected but tumultuous affairs of Madonna's amazing life.
As we have already seen, in this series, she was carrying Andy's child within three months. But although he stirred profound feelings in the singer touching her more deeply than previous celebrity lovers such as Warren Beatty and John Kennedy Jr, Andy was unable to cope with the constant blaze off publicity in which she lived. Uncertain of their future together Madonna aborted their child. And by the time she met Ritchie in the summer of 1998 she and Andy were living apart. Madonna was in the US with her daughter Lourdes (known as Lola), promoting her album Ray Of Light. Andy was in London, resuming his bohemian life in Notting Hill. His first job when he returned was to work on the door of his old haunt, the Met Bar in Mayfair, not surprisingly, the fact that Madonna's boyfriend was working as a glorified bouncer instantly made the papers.
'I was flat broke.' he explains shrugging apologetically 'The manager was one of my friends, and I needed the money.' His relationship with Madonna continued in long, fraught phone calls and letters in which they tried to make amends for the rows. 'It's Mother's Day, and I have just put Lola to sleep,' wrote Madonna in one typical letter. 'The past few hours I've been distracted with thoughts of you and our last conversation. 'I hate to fight with you especially around Lola. I hate it when you call me names. The whole time we argue, all I really want to say to you is that I wish you were here and I was looking to your eyes. 'It's been so long since we've seen each other - and nothing would make me happier. But we never seem to get to tenderness because you we still so angry with me. You save your tender words for Lola and it hurts me so.' Both of them feIt anxious and insecure.
When the newspapers discovered that Andy was back in London, they labelled him 'broken-hearted Andy Bird' and were quick to speculate that Madonna had moved on to other men. Andy says: 'I read one report that Robbie Williams had been having dinner with her. In fact, it was all down to some over-zealous public relations person, met they'd never even met. 'But when you're on the other side of the Atlantic, you think: 'What the hell are you doing?' It would frustrate her that I would suddenly start quizzing her about stuff in the papers.' Madonna had questions of her own. 'She knew I'd recovered if not all then certainly some of my anonymity. To a certain extent I could run around and do what I wanted to do. If I'd have wanted to have an affair, I could have done. 'There was hostility on her side.' How would I know if you were doing anything?'she would say. It wasn't really jealousy, but it was definitely uncertainty.' Did they stay faithful to one another? 'I can only speak for myself,' says Andy. 'But yes, I did. The trust in the relationship had pretty much disappeared by then, but not because we'd started having other relationships. It's just that when you're arguing all the time, you do lose your trust.'
Despite the tensions, neither was prepared to give up on each other - or as Andy puts it, 'concede defeat.' Almost every other weekend he would fly to the U.S. 'I'd spend two or three days In New York, then fly back to London for a couple of weeks. It sounds glamorous but it wasn't at all. It was actually quite laborious. 'We couldn't really communicate. By the time we'd be getting used to being with one another again, it would be time for me to leave. 'Madonna was still very helpful, she paid for the flights far more regularly than I did. But you have to be very solid to continue a long-distance relationship and our foundations were really non-existent.' At times, the affair seems to have descended into farce. 'There was always an issue about how smelly my feet were, especially when I was travelling backwards and forwards to New York. When I got to her apartment and took my shoes off, Lola would be going, 'Pooh! Stinky Andrew!' Madonna used to make me wash my feet before I got into bed, with hydrogen peroxide, which Americana use as antiseptic.
'Her apartment in New York had a balcony overlooking Central Park, with a big urn on it. Once. I ran out there in my stockinged feet to have a cigarette, and took my socks off and put them in the urn. 'I got a call from her three weeks later saying Lola had been pointing at this urn saying "Stinky Andrew" because she'd found my socks. That kind of thing was very funny. But I think I as beginning to stretch Madonna's sense of humour somewhat.' Yet - remarkably, perhaps - a deep well of affection remained as Madonna's letters show. 'We haven't spoken for a week and it makes me very sad, but there's nothing I can do, so I'm sending you this note and some music I'd like you to listen to,' she wrote after one argument. 'I think of you so often when I listen to music. I feel it's the one thing we have that has not been tainted is a love of good music. 'You have a very good ear. The fact is there is nothing you wouldn't be good at, given the right circumstances. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you have so much talent and creativity inside you. It just needs to be manifested. 'You have so much to offer the universe I look forward to seeing into your heart. You are still so deeply embedded in my heart.'
Sometimes she would send Andy touching presents. 'After one bout of arguing, she put together a lovely little parcel for me, with a scented candle, some magazines, a little picture Lola had drawn, a letter and a CD,' he remembers. 'Occasionally, she would send money. That would make me feel pretty rough, and I'd invariably give it away. But I suppose she wanted to help and show she cared.'
For weeks the relationship waxed and waned. 'Just when I thought I couldn't take any more, something would happen to give us breathing space for the next round. She'd write me letters and I'd write to her. 'We'd be breaking up all the time, maybe not talking for a few days. Then we'd call each other up, or send long faxes. There was never a point when it really ended.' This was the stormy, uncertain background against which Madonna first met Guy Ritchie another handsome Englishman, also involved in film-making, although with rather more success than Andy Bird. The singer had come to London for work, and had been invited to a barbecue at the Wiltshire home of Sting and his wife Trudi Styler. Trudi was a close friend of Madonna and was also involved in Ritchie's new film, Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels.
For Andy and Madonna's, the day of the barbecue had started badly. She was keen for him to come with her, while he wanted to see some of his friends. 'I was heading home after seeing her at her hotel when she rang me on the mobile, asking if I was sure I didn't want to go,' he remembers. 'I wasn't keen because I was still wearing the clothes I'd had on the night before and was hardly dressed for barbecue, but I agreed to go with her. 'Her chauffeured Mercedes people-carrier picked me up on Pack Lane and I just jumped in next to the driver. Madonna - who was in the back with one of her assistants and Lola - interpreted this as a snub. 'It wasn't meant that way at all - but things went downhill from there. By the time we got to the party we were hardly speaking to each other.
'Trudi introduced us both to Guy and I could see a chemistry between him and Madonna. They looked good together - they kind of fitted. There was an instant interest and they started chatting straight away.' When they all sat down for dinner Madonna wanted Andy to sit next to her. Instead, he sat at the other end of the table with Lola. At least sitting next to Lola, I knew we wouldn't have an argument. Madonna ended up sitting next to Guy and they seemed to be getting on really well. Surprisingly, perhaps, Andy insists he felt no jealousy. 'There didn't seem to be anything to be jealous about. I'd seen that they'd hit it off at the start but now they were just two people at a party, chatting away like everyone else.
To this day, Andy insists that he knows nothing of how Madonna's relationship with Ritchie developed over the following months. But by March 1999, when he next met Guy, his own relationship with Madonna was over and Ritchie had very obviously taken his place. Their chance encounter at the Met Bar was to generate sensational headlines suggesting Ritchie had flattened his supposed rival in an ugly brawl. But that's not how Andy Bird remembers it. 'I was there with friend, and he was, too,' Andy says. 'We ended up having a chat. It was very loud and we went to have a talk about things in the lobby, which was quieter. 'I suppose I was saying 'no hard feelings', which was obviously a one-sided sentiment. Probably I said something derogatory about her, or about her life. Whatever it was, he suddenly pushed me over. 'It was out I nowhere - I was sitting on a chair and he pushed me off. But it wasn't the big brawl that some people have claimed.' Wisely, Andy did not respond and returned to the bar, while the doormen threw Ritchie out.
Why, though, did Guy react so violently? Perhaps he saw Andy as a threat, or at least a thorn in his side. Bird remains mystified by the scuffle, but refuses to speak harshly of the man who displaced him in Madonna's affections. 'Who knows what Madonna might have told him about me?' he says. 'But it wasn't like I was standing in his way. I wasn't in touch with Madonna by this stage and I don't think I even had her phone number. 'He clearly had - and has - very strong feelings for her. He'd had a drop to drink, and love can make you do silly things,' Possibly, Ritchie was simply aware of how intensely his girlfriend still cared for Andy.
In the months after Guy and Madonna met, she had continued to see Andy regularly. For her 40th birthday in August 1998 - not long after her first meeting with Guy it was Andy whom she flew but to be at her side. 'I went over to New York for a week and we had a couple of days together at her apartment,' Andy remembers. 'Then she chartered a small sea-place to take us from Manhattan to this gross Hugh Hefner-style mansion in the Hamptons that she had hired for her birthday. 'There were the two of us, her brother Christopher, her assistant, plus Lola, the nanny and a couple of friends. Then we were joined by about 30 people at the mansion and we had a lovely dinner party. 'We played silly party games and everyone seemed to have a great time. Her masseuse came along and gave everyone massages as her present to Madonna. 'After dinner, we went into this huge cinema that was in the mansion and watched the new film of The Avengers. But it was so awful that I went off into the video library and came back with In The Heat Of The Night, with Sidney Poitier, which everyone enjoyed.' At the time, Madonna was deeply influenced by Memoirs Of A Geisha. Arthur Golden's compelling novel about the eroticism and exploitation of a Japanese geisha. Back in London, Andy had bought an antique kimono for Madonna and a smaller one for Lola. 'I also got a huge chunk of silvercoloured metal and, with a friend of mine, carved her out a huge silver heart, which I took over for her. It must have weighed more than a house brick and she seemed to appreciate it. 'But we still had an argument, even on her birthday. I wasn't feeling well and kept disappearing to throw up, and she accused me of being ill on purpose to spoil her birthday.'
For months the arguments dragged on. 'One of us would slam the phone down and ring back just to slam it down again,' says Andy. 'She changed her numbers, I changed mine. It was almost like a competition, neither of us wanted to admit defeat. Neither of us was very good at saying sorry and we would never admit to being in the wrong.' For Madonna, Andy's whole approach to life was the easy-going, impulsive style that had helped bring them together in the first place - was wearing thin. 'I'm irresponsible in fundamental ways, which did become an issue' he concedes. It was about whether I could say to Madonna: 'I can look after you.' That was important, Madonna may have grown up looking after herself and everyone else around her, but I think she does want to be looked after. 'Not looked after financially, necessarily - that would be a daunting task. But to have someone who at least contributes to the household, who organises things, takes responsibility for things. 'Even if you can look after yourself particularly well, as she can, you want that.'
Certainly, Madonna had always been frustrated by Bird's laid back attitude to his career. In Guy Ritchie she found a man whose ambition matched her own.' But it was also a matter of emotional commitment. The truth is, with seven years between them, Andy and Madonna may simply have wanted different things. 'I think she was looking for a caring, stable relationship. I know she wanted another child, but I knew that I wasn't ready to become a parent.' Had fate run a little differently, it is conceivable that Madonna could have ended up marrying Andy Bird rather than Guy Ritchie. But Andy remains sceptical - even if they'd had a child, he says, it would not have made a difference. 'We would still have broken up. There were serious difficulties. Having a child wouldn't have changed our personalities, it ought have made us a little less headstrong but I don't think, ultimately, we would have stayed together. The relationship might just have lasted a little longer, that's all.'
Indeed, looking back, he is unsure how deep their feelings really were. 'In hindsight I'd have to look deep inside me to say we fell in love. 'It's very difficult to quantify those feelings when you're in the moment, whether it's infatuation, or desire, or love. But I don't really think we were in love.' It's a difficult claim to accept when you look back at Madonna's letters to Andy, where she talks of a love she describes as 'profound and immense' add tells him, 'I will never get over you.' The evidence, indeed, appears to entirely contradict his self-effacing verdict. But then, even though he has chosen to tell his story, Bird is a touchingly diffident man, determined not to exaggerate his role in Madonna's life.
In July 1999, over two evenings, they saw each other for the final time. Madonna had flown to London and was staying at the exclusive private members' club, Home House. Out of the blue she phoned Bird and invited him over, after seeing Guy Ritchie earlier that evening. 'I don't know why we saw each other then,' Andy says. 'Maybe it was just so that we could, in some kind of way, say our goodbyes to each other. The chemistry was no longer there. 'The anger still flared up because we are a couple of fighters, but our feelings had changed. The passion that had been there at the beginning of our relationship had gone by that stage. 'We had dinner together and chatted about what we had been doing, I can't remember what our last words were that night, I remember the emotions more than the words. There was resignation and a certain amount of sorrow, but no regrets that it hadn't worked out between us. 'She's certainly not one for regrets, She's very forward-looking and positive, as you can see from what she's achieved in her life.'
Even then, Madonna could not part from Andy completely. She called him the next day and arranged to meet him for dinner at a restaurant called Bali Sugar in Notting Hill. 'We actually got on much better that time. She had just got back from staying at Donatella Versace's place on Lake Como, and she'd bought a video camera with her so I could see where she had been staying. We had a pleasant conversation and then she went back to Home House, packed and got on a plane that night. Even then, we couldn't say we would never see each other again and we spoke subsequently on the phone. 'I was supposed to go over to Miami for her birthday the following month but it was at the height of the season and I couldn't afford the £800 for the flight. 'She was saying things such as 'If you really loved me you would find the money and I was saying, if you really loved me you would understand my situation.' So we didn't see each other again. I think we were both exhausted and had finally ground each other down.'
That Christmas, Madonna wrote to him one last time. 'It was just before she and Guy announced her pregnancy, She just said 'Hi, I hope things we OK with you. Lola still mentions you occasionally. Maybe we should meet it would be nice to have a chat about things.' Andy did not respond. 'It didn't really warrant it. It was just a few words on a Christmas card. She sent it to a restaurant I used to go to, and I only got it a month and a half later.' By then, he explains, the moment had passed: the world knew she was having a baby. 'I felt she was opening a new chapter in her life. By that stage, I definitely had as well.' How did he feel, after the loss of their own child, hearing Madonna was pregnant with another man? It didn't affect me,' he says evenly. 'By then, my head was somewhere else. Already it seemed another life. 'I did feel pleased for her. And from the little bits of information that filter through to me I understand they we very happy.'
It seems an odd coincidence that, after Andy, Madonna should go on to marry another Englishman. Andy, however says he saw little sign of a hankering for English men. 'She was married to Sean Penn and had a long relationship with Warren Beatty, and there's nothing remotely English about them. 'Since she and Guy got together, she's probably discovered quite a lot of nice things about England. But I don't think she was looking for an English husband.' While Madonna has found happiness with Ritchie - and given birth to a son Rocco - Andy has stepped back into the shadows. Today, he has another, happy relationship. He has grown up, it seems, in the past few years. Even now, his phone still rings with people wanting to talk to him about Madonna.
There have been some false suggestions that he is planning to write a book about his experiences, in fact, he hopes that by telling his story in this series, he can draw a line beneath the whole episode and get on with the rest of his life. He has, he says fervently, few regrets. I can look back and categorically say Madonna's a lovely, lovely person. But I definitely wasn't the right person for her, add she wasn't for me.' In the end, the contrasts that once seemed so alluring tore the relationship apart. Then love was at its best, an extraordinary fairy tale. Sadly, as with most real-life fairy tales, there could be no lasting happy ending.
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2020
Failed party, money in drawer, communicate, move house, move boxes, drive in van, walk to shops, buy noodles, think it’s the end, see whole bus of soldiers in Beijing, new area, walk in darkness, think about leaving, leave, think its temporary, in taxi, post stupid photos, check and check again phone, think people with goggles on my plane are over reacting, take off my mask to eat, keep taking off to loosen, arrive back in London. Tube. Cold. Pub. Party at WeWork. Exhibition at Dulwich Gallery. Farringdon. Drugs and drinks. Brockley, South east London. DJ. Ethiopian food. Morley’s Peckham. Walking on the River. Photographer friend’s house. Canal cycle. National Gallery. Car crash, Dalston. Omar Souleyman. Corsica Studios. Meet girl, back to my friends, back to hers, sex. Morning up to mum’s best friends birthday, Covent Garden restaurant. In a van, Sunday roast. Chisenhale Gallery. arebyte Gallery. Getting worse in China, seems nice and easy and calm in England. Camberwell beers and more. Second-hand book shops, Charing Cross Road. Courtauld. Leafed through a book about a man who lived his entire 86.5 years in East London. Still talking to the same girl back in China. Both believe I’ll be back soon. Chicken wings. West London, meal. South London pub. DJing somewhere inside. Kent, see grandma. Rave, Bermondsey. Friends from Israel and Germany arrive. More drinks, more drugs. Mixing friends. Gay bar in Bethnal Green for old friend’s birthday. Acid, confused and hilarious. Tate Britain. Serpentine. Cranes on the bridge. Liverpool Street film screening. Feels shallow, but good. Begin regular E Pellici sojourns. Primrose Hill with Dad. Beer festival with Keaton and co. Peckham, school friend’s house, bad vibe. More drinks, more drugs. Working on first music compilation with Slowcook and Fafa. Begin watching all of the Studio Ghibli movies. Watching Breaking Bad. At some point have huge argument with my brother, it went like this: He came home from work and I was sitting watching Breaking Bad, he asks, “Have you been like that all day?” I either took it in the wrong way or picked up on a sly dig. It was probably me, but at this point I was pretty self-conscious and worried about going back to China and whether or not I would have a job back there. Was getting surprisingly pissed off with my brother mentioning his work, felt like an affront to me. Weird. He goes crazy (he has a short fuse), punching a wall, ready to fight me. My mum is pretty upset. A few days later I go into his room and try to patch things up. Turns into a deeper chat. He feels like I haven’t been a good brother to him, he gives the example of not looking out for him on his first days of school. I say I’m sorry, it’s because I’m a bit scared and insecure. In retrospect I regret a little laying so much weakness on the table, seems his interactions/ways of acting around me have changed a bit. Still not sure how I feel about it all. Considered getting a gold tooth with Matthew. Play with cats, enjoying them more and more. Rave in Dalston, good music from Asia and beyond. Looking at magazines. Not doing much work at all. Being out and about instead. Go to Norfolk. It’s beautiful, but get way too drunk on first night, sick everywhere, wake up naked in sick. Massive fucking shitshow. Majority of people there have no choice but to act weirdly around me now, which is understandable. Still some nice aspects. One girl there surely hates me a lot. Tate Modern. Art stuff by self is good. Corsica Studios, semi-art, semi-music event. Mr. Bao for first time of many. Radio in Tottenham. Take drugs. Pubs. Drive to Asda with brother to stock up on food. It’s March and the reality of the pandemic is hitting. More canal cycling. First and only group chat on Zoom. BH Funk. Probably have taken cocaine and messaged one of three or four girls numerous times by now. If there’s one, in the cold light of day, horrible and disgusting thing I’ve done too much this year it’s this. Incessant messaging of poor girls that I know will react (although increasingly they don’t, I manage to alienate even close friends in this way). Southbank and The Mall with Nick. Reading about Wuhan. List of good texts. Continuing to do some writing. Making WeChat posts for guī WeChat, including mix series and miniessays. Greenwich park with Matthew. Grime quiz online. Delivering food regularly for my mum’s school. Hackney Marshes with Luan. Epping Forest with Mum and Dad. By this point probably have woken up feeling sorry for myself in Ludo’s flat, after untold amounts of alcohol and cocaine. Online rave. Beijing artists only mix. Go to Switzerland, pass through Italy on the way. Its breath taking, the mountains, the expanse of scenery, not used to it. Climbing up mountains with no one around. Rolo and Patrick and Rita smoke too much weed. I really, really, really still hate smoking it. Feel a bit annoyed how long we spend sitting around while they smoke, but this is way outbalanced by the uniqueness of where we are and the beauty all around. Producing more and more, actually getting somewhere. Cooking more and more food. Reading more and more, like: Black and British, The Corrections, Real Fast Food, Bass, Mids, Tops, Zadie Smith, Olivia Lang, Graham Greene, JG Ballard, Monica Ali, Mo Yan, Jenny Zhang, John le Carre, Naked Lunch, Nabokov, Bukowski, Zora Neale Hurston, Wiley, Bitcoin, Murakami, Judith E. Butler, The Painter of Modern Life, Maupassant, Chekov, Video Art, Gravity’s Rainbow (couldn’t finish), Anaïs Nin, The Net Delusion (couldn’t finish), The Establishment and how they got away with it (couldn’t finish), Roddy Doyle, The Secret of Scent, General Intellects, Women In Love, The Intelligent Investor, Lyndon Johnson. Victoria Park more often than I can remember. To Chrissy’s house. Mile End Park. Very regularly sitting on the river in Wapping. Bring the chessboard and play Ludo sometimes, people smile and look at you differently when you’re playing chess and drinking beers versus just sitting and drinking beer. I May Destroy You. Industry. The beautiful wide expanse of Hackney Marshes. My incessant quest to reach 1000 followers in Instagram. More cycling, and I hate to say it but it really was: Here there and everywhere. Margate with my Dad to see my grandma in hospital and saw the Turner Prize exhibition. Light blue like scrubs, the sky and sun felt eternal. Swimming in dirty water. Make a DJ mix of old 2000s Road Rap. Eat cheese in Peckham. Cycle along the canal north, keep going and going through Tottenham, past Enfield keep going, it’s mad how quickly it becomes quiet fields on all sides, arrive to some kind of lake, swim and then back to the centre of town. Outside a Hawksmoor church in Shadwell ate chicken with Karim and Ludo. DJing. From my bedroom window saw a big crane in the middle of the night sitting on the canal. Begin developing the second DCCY compilation this time with BULLY magazine. Go to a house in an old school in Camberwell. Discover new secret riverside spots in East London. Finally give up my apartment in Beijing. Mile End park. Cycle further and further East to a pedestrian bridge I didn’t know existed. Get onto the beach and into the Thames water. Interview Akito. Begin writing more, after few months of wiling away the summertime. My friend Emmy gets married in Rwanda, I give him some money as a wedding gift which he tells me he used to buy his wife’s dress. Protests in HK always on TV. Get more into finances, crypto and trading, and just saving in general. Had sex with an old friend. Now meeting a girl I first knew years ago in Beijing. More secret river spots. Keaton has his baby, Noah. More times on Hackney Marshes. Barbican conservatory. Watching more films, try to watch all the films of some directors including: Jia Zhangke, Bong Joon-ho, Edward Yang, Wong Kar-wai, Apichatpong Weerasethakul. Decide to watch all of the infamous lauded series, go through Breaking Bad, The Wire and The Sopranos. Go to the seaside for a few days, camping also. Henry Wu album launch in a car park in Bermondsey. Go to visit Keaton’s baby for the first time. Good photography exhibition at Photographer’s Gallery. Go to Wallace Collection again. August. Go to Berlin. Swimming in Berlin lakes until I get an ear infection. It makes me drowsy and lethargic, but still seems to spend all my time cycling around the city. On one night cycle for hours to a rave on the outskirts of the city. Like a lot the abandoned airport in Berlin. Oh yeah, vaping. Found a dead bumble bee. Speak with Nevin about projects. Write a piece about the future of the art world for a magazine being started by Nevin’s friend in Canada. Go to Lithuania. Walk around Vilnius, get too drunk by myself. Get to the Curonian Spit and Nida, beaches and new friends. For the Nightlife Residency project. For a short while life is like on a desert island of new food, new people, new locations, quiet and new meaning. Go to the Russian border on the beach. Cycle to the road boarder and get stopped by the police. Go nude on the beach for the first time. Sauna, sand dunes and forests. DJ out for the first time in ages, this time with Nono. To Kaunus and try nice and stodgy Georgian food for the first time. Hackney Wick back for party. Meet a ginger girl online and go on a date. Wallace Collection again. Free beer and pizza. White Cube. National Gallery, Titian. On BBC Radio London with my Dad. Riverside beers. Saw a lost swan near my front door. Meet Keaton near his work, one of many times. Making more and more music, getting better. Decide I need more organisation and clarity, put everything I’ve done on a blog. More or less long since given up on my job at M Woods. But don’t really begin looking for anything new because it’s still sunny. At some point I start getting benefits money. Go to see La Haine in the cinema. Someone blocks me on WeChat because of me. Some pub somewhere. Sunday walks and breakfast with my parents. Go to an exhibition in Woolworth Road with Muzi. Realise how nice it is to run to Victoria Park along the canal. Vicky Park in general. Dinners at friends’ houses. Museum of London. Walking with Michael in some countryside near London, surprising how quickly things turn green. Break onto a pier in Wapping with Jack. Battersea Park. Tate, Bruce Nauman. Old Street Weatherspoon’s with Keaton, drugs. Central London cemetery. Chinese in Camberwell. Chinese in Aldgate. Italian in Camberwell. More and more exercise, running, weights and yoga with my brother. Sadie Coles. Nick, Central London. Gucci Mane. Hampstead Heath more because Ludo and his flatmates are nearby. Ludo’s now house more for days and nights of you guessed it. Borough Market more, with Emma. Alexandra Palace walk and famous sandwiches after. Tate Britian new lights. More time at Muzi’s. Signing up for cycle courier. LYL Radio show. Shave head. Take acid and it hurts my stomach. Camden Arts Centre with Muzi. Christmas party with friends. Birthday. Cake with Muzi, presents and Indian takeaway from family, walk in Vicky Park with Ludo and Karim plus battered sausage and chips. Christmas at home nice and warming meal. Evening to Ludo’s place with more friends. Boxing day with Matthew, pints and then more at his house in Peckham all night long. Next day is tough! Giant turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey curry. Buy first NFTs. New Year’s Eve stay in at Muzi’s, one drink and a cake.
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A bit of fun...
An Interview from village magazine. 2005
A model life
Monaghan-born Caitriona Balfe was recruited shaking a charity box outside a Dublin shopping centre. Now she is Ireland's most successful international model. Based in New York and the darling of some of the world's top designers, she talks to Ailbhe Jordan
It’s just after five on a Tuesday evening in Soho. Streams of harassed-looking people scurry in both directions along Spring Street, seeking escape from the mayhem of midweek Manhattan in the form of the nearest taxi or subway station.
Nobody but me seems to notice a tall, thin young woman leaning against the wall of a grey building. We have never met in person and a curtain of long, tousled brown hair obscures her face as she flicks through a notebook, but it’s definitely her.
Since Derek Daniels of Assets Modelling agency spotted her six years ago collecting money for charity outside the Swan Shopping Centre in Rathmines, Caitriona Balfe has quietly strutted her way to the upper echelons of the fashion industry.
Nineteen years old and intent on becoming an actress at the time, Balfe modelled part-time in Dublin for a year until a visiting scout from Ford Modelling agency asked her to work for them in Paris. She decided to take a year out from her drama course at the Dublin Institute of Technology to pursue the opportunity.
In her six years as a model, Balfe has strutted down the catwalk for every big name from Gucci to Marc Jacobs. Vogue are big fans too; the fashion bible has put her on the cover of its US, French, German, Spanish and Italian editions.
After Paris, Balfe moved to Milan, where she became the darling of Dolce & Gabanna, who still hire her to work exclusively at their spring and autumn shows. Three years ago, she moved to New York to work for US based Elite Modelling agency. One of her first castings was for Cuban-American designer Narciso Rodriguez, who was so impressed, he made her his muse.
Balfe is, without a doubt, the most successful international model Ireland has produced.
On this evening she looks up and smiles, revealing a heart-shaped face, with sharp, pixie-like features and bright blue eyes. Wearing not a scrap of makeup, she looks younger than her 26 years. Her complexion is pale, clear and spattered with light brown freckles.
She is around 5ft 10”, but seems smaller because of her narrow, thin frame. Dressed in a loose, taupe-colored top, skinny blue jeans that are not as tight as they should be and red flats, she personifies that casual glamour look to which all the downtown hipsters aspire.
She suggests we go to Balthazar, a French Bistro beloved of New York models and celebrities.
As we walk, she assumes a posture so elegant and so straight it looks as though she is leaning backwards slightly.
Balfe’s family comes from Tyvadet, a small town in Co Monaghan. Her accent is neutral from years of living abroad, but every now and then, the Monaghan dialect peeps through – when she says “cool”, for instance, which she says a lot.
Weekend reservations at Balthazar are nearly impossible to make if one is not famous and has not booked at least a couple of weeks in advance.
“Go on ahead,” she says, holding the door open. The hostess directs us to a small table at the window. Balfe glides into her booth without pushing the table out first. “I’m going to have some cake,” she says, lowering her voice.“I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday, so I’ve basically been eating soup all weekend,” she adds quickly, touching her jaws with both hands.
“I was supposed to go to LA today, but I cancelled that because my face was still a bit swollen.”
Conversations between any two people renting in New York City inevitably turn to apartments and – more importantly – locations. Balfe lives in Greenpoint, a trendy Polish neighbourhood in Brooklyn. “I was about three years in the city but I love Brooklyn,” she says.
“It’s just really cute. It’s kind of European, like most of the streets are all mom and pop stores, there’s not one McDonalds. They’ve got all cute little vegetable stores, there’s a meat market and a fish market.”
She pauses to take a sip of coffee.
“We’ve got the ground floor of a building. Its got like a back garden and a basement, which is really cool. My boyfriend has his studio in the basement.”
The boyfriend she refers to is Dave Milone, a guitarist with the band Radio4, who are releasing a new album in New York this week.
“I’ve been with him for three years, he’s from New Jersey,” she says rolling her eyes as New Yorkers often do at the mention of their neighbouring and, in their opinion, less cosmopolitan state.
“It’s a bit of a cliché, I know, a model and a rocker. It’s good though.”
At 26, Balfe has said she considers herself to be one of the “grannies” of the modeling industry.
“Of my five really close friends whom I started with, there’s only one whose still modeling,” she says.
“The rest have gone off to college or have real jobs. I still feel like I’m at college,” she says, stirring her coffee and putting the spoon down on the saucer with a loud clink.
“When I see some of these younger girls who are starting at 17 or so, it’s like being at school, you know. You’ve a bunch of girls who are like, teenagers and of course everyone’s like: ‘is she doing better than me?’ and all that. I was a little bit older when I started, I was 19 and I never really experienced that. I mean, you’re always going to come across a bitch but there’s nothing you can really do about that. I’m getting older now and it does feel weird when you come across someone who tries to intimidate you in that really high school way. It’s like: ‘why am I feeling insecure because of this?’ And it’s funny, because it’s all based on weight, it’s like: ‘you put on a few pounds,’ or something stupid.”
At this point the desserts arrive.
“I feel like the girls are getting very skinny again,” she says, following the movement of the plate with her eyes as the waitress places it in front of her.
“When I started it was like, a lot of the Brazilian girls were around, it was all about being voluptuous and I think in the last couple of seasons there’s been a lot of really, really skinny girls again. I mean, you can tell when somebody doesn’t eat, you can tell by the big rings under their eyes or when they’re kind of quiet, they’re whole personality is kind of...” she slouches down and drops her tongue out in a display of lifelessness.
She picks up her spoon and digs it into the cake, then turns the plate around and spears the scoop of vanilla ice-cream that is perched on top.
“I’ve always been thin, you know?” she says, while her mouth is full.
“My aunts and uncles will be like, ‘oh do you eat?’ but I’ve always been lucky that I can. I eat more than Dave. I go through very, very sporadic, once-in-a-blue-moon fits of going running and stuff, but I’m so lazy. When shows are coming up I just do some exercises at home and maybe not have so much chocolate cake the week before. A few more salads, that kind of thing.”
Next week, Balfe expects to be working in LA for a couple of days, from where she will fly to Miami for a photo shoot, before returning to New York on Sunday to do a shoot for Spanish Vogue.
“It sounds glamorous, it’s not though, it really isn’t,” she says, holding another spoonful of cake up to her lips.
“I am moving towards retirement now – from this,” she continues. “Every year I’m asked and I’m like, ‘oh another year or two.’ But, if I’m still doing this at the end of the next two years, somebody shoot me, please. I mean, it’s really good and it allows me to live a good life. I’m building a house in Monaghan, I can do stuff like that. I can set myself up for the future and stuff. But being an actress was the thing that I always wanted to do. Before I ever started modelling.”
Balfe has not yet found her perfect role, but played a convincing seductress in 2002 when she modelled for lingerie company Victoria’s Secret during their catwalk show, an annual TV spectacle that that has propelled models like Gisele Bundchen and Heidi Klum to international fame.
“Oh God, my poor Da,” she groans, cradling her head in her hands.
“I think it was the Sun or the Mirror back home had this headline: ‘Garda’s daughter goes und-y-cover.’ I wondered what I was doing in there, this pasty little Irish girl amongst all these Brazilian goddesses. I’d gotten a spray tan and they put full body make-up on me but I was 10 times whiter than anyone there. It took very little clothes and quite a lot of champagne to get through that one.”
She shakes her head, smiling at the memory. “Its funny you know? Normally when I’m out, I don’t really dress up. It’s amazing how people will absolutely not even notice you until they hear the word ‘model,’ and then they’re like: ‘Oh.’ And I’m like: ‘what?’ Two seconds ago, I was nothing, you know?”
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Crowd Pleaser
Interview by Nigel Farndale, Photography by Ellen Nolan Taken from The Sunday Telegraph - July 31, 2005
Sharleen Spiteri used to be a shy boyish hairdresser who got called 'son' a lot. But then she grew up into a famous, flirty pop star who knows 'how to be a woman' and regularly gets proposed to on stage. What went right? By Nigel Farndale In a noisy London bar Sharleen Spiteri is hearing voices. 'Sorry' she says, distractedly turning round in her seat. 'I keep hearing someone say, "That's Sharleen from Texas."' That must be the curse of being a public figure in a public place, I suggest. 'No, it's the curse of my bloody hearing. I can separate sounds really well. Too well. In the studio I have to listen to a mix from about three rooms away. My nickname within the band is Radar.' This seems quite brave of her band. Radar was the nerdy one with the glasses in M*A*S*H. Spiteri has a reputation for being a loud, feisty, broken-nosed, leather-jacketed Glaswegian. I'm surprised they dare call her anything other than 'boss', or possibly, given that she also describes herself as looking androgynous, 'sir' Today she is not wearing the black leather jacket, but black jeans are in evidence, and a black top, and these complement the 'Sharleen Spiteri look': dark, blunt-cut hair that she has to flick constantly from her dark, sultry eyes. But that is not to say she looks intimidating, or is lacking in warmth. She has big, puffy lips for one thing, and she is wont to chew on these coquettishly. And she is chatty. Very, very chatty. 'I can be a bit of chatterbox,' she warns redundantly. 'It was a habit I picked up as a hairdresser.' That was when she was 17. It was meant to be a temporary job before taking up a place at the Glasgow School of Art, but she found she enjoyed it and would have liked to keep it up had she not, on a whim, auditioned for a new band being formed by Johnny McElhone, a guitarist with Altered Images. The five members of the band - all the rest are men - decided to call themselves Texas, after the Wim Wenders film Paris, Texas. Spiteri and McElhone wrote 'I Don't Want a Lover', a bluesy number featuring a Ry Cooder-style slide guitar, and it went straight to the top of the charts. This was unexpected, so much so that Spiteri hadn't even given up her £2-an-hour hairdressing job. Their success looked shortlived though, as two follow-up albums flopped, but then, nearly a decade later, in 1997, came the album White on Blonde, a mix of dance, rock and soul which produced one hit after another: 'Say What You Want', 'Black-Eyed Boy', 'Halo', etc. Now, at 37, Sharleen is a regular on rich lists and Texas have sold some 20 million albums worldwide. 'My band is very aware I am the front person,' she says, talking rapidly in her Scottish burr. 'They knew that when they joined. I told them, "The attention will come to me and you won’t seem as important, so just accept that and don't feel paranoid about it." Bands break up when egos come into it.' Spiteri and McElhone still write all the songs - they have a new single out this month - and such has been the closeness of their partnership for the past 20 years, you have to wonder whether their actual partners feel jealous. Spiteri has been living in Primrose Hill with her boyfriend Ashley Heath, a fashion journalist, for the past decade. They have a three-year-old daughter called - and, remember, we're talking about pop stars here - Misty Kyd. So: does Ashley get jealous? 'I wouldn’t think so, but that is a question I can’t answer. I spend a lot of time with Johnny and as well as working together, we are best mates. But Johnny's wife is also one of my best mates. And Ashley sees a side of me that Johnny never sees, especially as we have a child together.' Even so, it must be odd for Ashley to see men holding up placards at Texas concerts, as they do, declaring their love for Spiteri and even proposing marriage. Doesn’t that bother him? 'You're probably better asking my dad that question!' Her father works for her; he is in charge of the lighting when Texas is on tour. When Spiteri was growing up, though, he was a captain in the Merchant Navy. 'He did three months on, one off. It seemed normal at the time. We were quite chuffed about his job. It seemed glamorous. I remember the massive walk-in fridges they had on his ships. My dad was cool. He smoked weed and shit, and was a bit of a hippy.' He could be a disciplinarian, though. 'I had to be home by nine during the summer holidays and one night I was late so I ran through the park and went straight into a tree and broke my nose. I got home with my nose bleeding and my dad just said, "You're six minutes late and you're in for a week." I wasn’t even allowed out in to the garden.' That's called imprisonment, I point out. 'Yeah, but it taught me a bloody lesson.' Has wealth and fame changed her relationship with her parents? 'No. I was always close to them and I still am. I'll take my mum out to dinner with my girlfriends and we'll have a giggle and a laugh.' Are these the starry girlfriends one reads about in the society pages? The Madonnas, the Stellas, the Gwyneths? 'Nooo. My best friends are Gilleen and Raggy. They are ma girls. They are like ma backbone. We're the three witches. We look after each other.' Does she divide her friends into celebrities and non- celebrities? 'No, no, no. Not at all.' But surely celebrities find it easier to relate to each other because their circumstances are mutually abnormal, that is why they tend to flock together? 'I don’t think of it like that. I've met these people through work, as it were, and being in a place they would be. Just because you are both famous, it doesn't mean you are going to get on. Trust me I've met a lot of famous people I don't like. Really don’t like.' And the ones she does like, how easy is it to go from superficial encounters at starry events to deep friendships? 'I met Stella [McCartney] first, many years ago when her dad was doing a TV special and I was invited to sing on it. We just clicked and drifted into friendship. She invited me to one of her shows in Paris. I invited her to one of my shows. I thought she was cool, she thought I was cool. We got on well together as two women. It wasn't at all starry.' And Madonna? That friendship, I gather, wasn’t even a matter of them bumping into each other. Madonna summoned Spiteri for an audience. 'Madonna just rang up and said, "Do you want to come to dinner?" and it was either a yes or a no and I said, "Yes." That's just an easier way for her to meet people she thinks she might want to meet, because there is always such a fuss around her when she is in a public place, What can I say? I enjoy her company, her conversation. She's lovely.' She has some glamorous male friends, too: Tom Ford, Ewan McGregor and Thierry Henry among them. The last-named announced the birth of her daughter to the world by scoring a goal for Arsenal, then lifting his shirt to reveal the words, FOR THE NEWBORN KYD. Has parenthood had an impact on her social life? 'To an extent. You have to think about babysitters. I'm always thinking, "Oo, it's 11 o'clock. I’d better get to bed because I'm up in the morning at seven with Misty"'. Spiteri rummages around in her shoulder bag and produces a photograph of her Aryan looking daughter. 'My mother is German and her blonde hair and blue eyes have jumped a generation to Misty. My grandmother's French, my grandfather's Italian, so I'm a bit of a mongrel.' Children of the rich and famous have a habit of growing up dysfunctional, does that worry her? 'Look, I know Misty's going to grow up very lucky. She's already got privileges. She went to bloody Live 8, for God's sake. At three years old! But I think about how Stella grew up to be so normal despite having such a famous father and I don't worry. For me, more than anything, I hate bad manners. I just want Misty to have good bloody manners and to understand what it means not to have everything you want.' The McCartneys sent their children to state schools in order not to spoil them; will Spiteri do the same? 'No. It's partly because I think it will be easier for Misty not to become the centre of attention if there are other children at the school whose parents are pop stars. It will probably help that Misty has the surname Heath.' Does Spiteri think she might change her name to Heath at some point, too? 'I don't know. Marriage is not a big issue in my life. It's neither here nor there for me. It's not for feminist reasons. I don't want to be "the future woman" or anything. I just don't care enough about all that.' She may not be the woman of the future, but does she think of herself as 'a working mother'? 'I'm completely hands on. At night I'm normally the one who puts Misty to bed. But I do have a nanny. I wouldn't want to have Misty hanging around the studios.' Does she feel guilt as a mother going out to work? 'No, but I cry more easily than I used to. You become more emotional. But I don't feel guilty, because I know Misty is well looked after. If she wasn't happy, I'd give this up in a second. In fact, I keep thinking that's what I might do anyway: run off to the country and breed chickens. And I would love Misty to have a brother and a sister.' As we talk an unexpectedly pragmatic side to Spiteri emerges. She turned down modelling contacts for Calvin Klein, and even the Nicole Kidman role in Moulin Rouge, it transpires, because she didn't want to compromise her image as a serious musician. 'I thought, if I do a movie, I may be rubbish at it. I know I'm good at this, though. Music. And this is what pays my bills.' (I'm tempted to remind her of David Brent's opinion of her alternative job prospects in The Office - 'We're both good in our own fields. I'm sure Texas couldn't run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn't do what... well, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that, even back then - probably what spurred them on'- but think better of it.) So, she's sensible with money? 'I'm not stupid with it. I don't know what I'm worth, to be honest, but I do make sure I know what is happening with my money I don't know how much time I have left doing this and I don't want to end up middle-aged and having to sell everything.' I ask if Spiteri worries about ageing: might she consider cosmetic surgery when she is older? 'Never say never. I was supposed to have my nose fixed for medical reasons when I broke it, because the gristle has grown in the way and I sometimes find it hard to breathe. The only reason I never did was I was worried it would effect my singing voice.' Does she use her looks to manipulate people? 'Am I a flirt, you mean? Of course. You've seen the photographs of me. You've seen the videos. I know how to be a woman. I don't manipulate people with it, though. I have a look, but I'm not beautiful. I'm androgynous. I think I look better now, though, than I did when I was younger. I grew into my face. As a kid I was skinny and geeky-looking, not an attractive child. None of the boys ever fancied me. I was always the mate. It was a bit gutting.' Was there a moment when she recognised that men did fancy her, after all? 'I don't know what they do find attractive. I think I look a bit strange, to be honest. I hide under my fringe and I have a big nose and a big mouth. I know my big mouth is a good feature and I do use it. But there's no point having a nice mouth if you're not a nice person, so I try to be nice. It's complicated, attractiveness. I don't even know for sure what I find attractive in a man.' Given that she thought she was unattractive as a teenager, did she feel self-conscious standing up on stage as an 18-year-old? 'I couldn't look at the camera. I was awkward and I knew I looked like a boy. Even in Texas, at the beginning, I used to get called "son" a lot. I'd get on buses and the driver would say, "That's one-twenty, son." She's more complicated than she seems at first, this Sharleen Spiteri: a self-deprecating rock star; a bohemian friend to the stars who likes to have a quiet game of Scrabble on the tour bus after a concert; a mother who worries about her daughter's manners, and makes financial plans for the future. More confusingly, she seems to have been a painfully shy teenager who became an extrovert, first as a chatty hairdresser then as a rock star. I'm confused, I say. How does that transition work, exactly? 'Well, I was fine on stage because I just became immersed in the music and blocked everything else out. And being chatty with strangers as a hairdresser was fine because they were one-on-one relationships. But I had been very shy at school, in a group, you know. I found it difficult to communicate with a class I felt I had nothing in common with. I was interested in music and art and being a goth. The other girls were only interested in pulling boys and drinking wine down the Goldfish Bowl in Loch Loman. I look at people with complete confusion when they talk about school being the best years of your life. I hated it.' Spiteri is less vain and egotistical than I expected, and I am pleasantly surprised when she insists on paying for our drinks. Afterwards, as we walk round the corner to her record company to watch her latest video, she tells me that there are some days when the paparazzi will follow her car and take pictures of her popping to the corner shop for milk 'and I hate that. Hate it.' And even when she turns up for a formal event and there are photographers waiting outside 'the palms of my hands start sweating and I can't breath and I think, 'Why am I doing this?"' Yet in her new video her lack of self-consciousness is remarkable. Indeed, she spends most of the time writhing around provocatively. 'Oh yeah,' she says, when I point this out. 'It was an easy one to film, that. I was on my back most of the time. Like I said, I do know how to be a woman.'
Dress by Louis Vuitton. Stylist: Cheryl Konteh. Hair: Raphael Salley at Streeters. Make up: Sam Bryant at Holy Cow
Text originally posted on texasindemand.com
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another attempt at blogging
i started this tumblr a couple years ago at the same time kate did. i can’t remember why—i’m sure tumblr was in the news again for some reason. i guess it was before the great porn purge. i was talking about blogging again this week with my friend daniel, and i woke up this morning and he had sent me a blog he wrote on a new tumblr account early in the morning, so to continue my regression to the early 2010s, i too have rebooted tumblr, given it an era-appropriate name, and decided to give it another go.
the problem with having a newsletter is that i don’t think anyone wants to hear from me in their inbox daily, so i’ve become very precious about the things i write there. it feels like it has to really matter. i like blogs because they’re disposable and can be dumb and not your best writing. how many two-graf tumblr posts did i write in 2011 that were just thoughts i idly had during a statistics lecture? anyway, here’s the first blog, they won’t all be this long probably.
When I think about eventually looking back at this year I think about what I want to remember from it. I will remember the first week of March. I’ll remember the last birthday party I attended in person at Branch Ofc, a perfectly serviceable Crown Heights bar that was very full of people. I’ll think about that night and how I showed up to the party with a Ziplock full of homemade salted chocolate chip cookies in my purse, how I shared them with a table where the birthday-haver and their friends sat. Breathing in the same air as the four dozen other people crammed into the bar. I can’t imagine it now. I like Branch Ofc because it is unpretentious without pretending to be a dive, unlike Sharlene’s, which tries too hard to mimic the aesthetic trappings of an authentic dive bar but is really just a normal Park Slope bar. Branch Ofc is just a bar where you can buy drinks, and it was an eight-minute walk from my old apartment. It used to be a bar with a photobooth and Big Buck Hunter but I think both of those are gone now.
For a few days in March, it felt like people were preparing for a snow day. Everyone was slightly more on edge than giddy—but only slightly. “WFH but make it a coffeeshop” I saw on someone’s Instagram story, a selfie with four of their friends coworking somewhere in Bushwick, completely nullifying the point of a work-from-home edict. I ran into my friend Maddie at the renovated Key Food on Nostrand the next week. Maddie, her roommate and I were in the aisle with the Pop Tarts and the Oreos. “I feel like I should get those?” we asked each other, pointing at junk food. I wasn’t wearing a mask or gloves; nobody was. Some guy wearing a Cornell University Sigma Chi tshirt walked by us with the largest bag of dried beans I’ve ever seen in my life slung over his shoulder. That was a man who had never soaked dried beans in his life. I wonder if he ever ate the beans. We were a bunch of idiot 20-somethings blindly grabbing for cans of soup and Fritos for the end of the world. What were any of us doing there? Why was it imperative that day that I make and freeze a lasagna? Maddie’s roommate had fresh lasagna noodles from Eataly she wasn’t going to use before she left for her parents’ house, and she said I could have those. She brought them over for me and I idly wondered if you could get Coronavirus from someone else’s fresh pasta noodles or if the heat of the oven would kill the germs. I made my lasagna.
I’ll think about how March-to-May is just one long gray blurry streak in my head. I baked, I got into running, I said “running with a mask? No thank you, no more running for me,” I got a job, I felt bad about getting a job when everyone I knew in journalism was getting laid off. I did a lot of Zoom Zumba. At first I slept terribly, and then I started sleeping too much, and then I stopped sleeping again at some point during that stretch. There was a novelty to suddenly being inside all the time that made it feel like an excuse to get “really into martinis.” I got really into martinis. Then I stopped drinking for a couple months. Remember “Zoom happy hours”?
The thing I use most as a means of setting apart different eras in my head is the music I used as a soundtrack at the time. I rang in the 2014 new year in my cute apartment on Westcott Street in Syracuse with my college boyfriend, drunk and blaring Cold Cave, before we walked down the street to Alto Cinco and got Mexican food and passed out. It was my senior year and I only had a few more months of living like this and I loved the small life I’d built for myself there. Of course, it couldn’t stay. When we broke up a year and a half later after he moved to New York, where I had been living for most of a year, I walked around the neighborhood near the Myrtle-Wyckoff stop, close to where we were living together, listening to Mitski’s 2014 album Bury Me At Makeout Creek. I sat in Maria Hernandez Park and watched a bunch of kids play Red Rover. I didn’t especially want to go home because I hadn’t taken an escape route into account when we broke up and somehow timed it out so that things ended after the first of the month, leaving me with three-and-a-half weeks of continuing to share an apartment with someone whose heart I had just broken. In retrospect it’s clear to me that I had just outgrown a relationship with someone five years older than me who hadn’t grown up at all, but I hear that Mitski album now and all I think about are the cold early April days of 2015 when no place and no person felt like home. There’s a line in First Love/Late Spring, by Mitski, where she sings “胸がはち切れそうで,” which translates to something like “My chest is about to burst (with grief).” My advice to recent college graduates moving to New York is to simply not do anything the way I did it.
So when I think about 2020, I do not want to associate any music I previously had fond memories of with this year. This is unfortunate because every musician I like who produces sad music has nothing but time on their hands now and they’ve all come out with new songs and albums. My recently played selections on Spotify look like a cry for help: Phoebe Bridgers, Bright Eyes, even Tigers Jaw.
On Saturday I couldn’t sleep in. I woke up at 5:30 and watched the sun appear through my bedroom windows. I kept rolling over, trying to sleep again, but it was futile. Eventually I got up and got dressed, and left my apartment on foot. The walk into lower Manhattan is a few miles from my new place in Fort Greene. I walked west on Fulton, and then down Flatbush. It would have saved me ten minutes to take the Manhattan Bridge, but I’ve always regarded it as the ugliest of the bridges to cross on foot or on bike—last fall, I would walk home from Ben’s apartment over the Manhattan Bridge, and it was just so grey. You get an okay view of Dumbo, I guess, on the walk east, but it isn’t much to look at. When I got back to the Brooklyn side on those walks, I’d get on the A at High Street and take it back to Nostrand instead of walking the last couple miles.
So I chose the Brooklyn Bridge this time. It was as busy as you’d expect it to be in a non-pandemic event. Instagram boyfriends took pictures of their girlfriends, who took off their masks for a few seconds for the right shot. I saw a couple taking engagement pictures in front of the lower Manhattan skyline. It felt so normal, pedestrians and bicyclists squeezing past each other at the narrow points.
I was listening to Saint Cloud, the Waxahatchee album that came out a few months ago, turning it over and over in my brain like a rock you pick up at the beach and end up carrying with you on a long walk. The album, outwardly, has this gauzy blue-sky Americana vibe but when you listen to the lyrics of some of the songs it feels like peeling back layers of skin until you hit a raw nerve ending. Every song feels like a eulogy for this year. “You might mourn all that you wasted/That’s just part of the haul,” Katie Crutchfield sings on Ruby Falls. I got to the title track, which closes out the album, as I ascended the bridge. When you get baaaack on the M train, watch the cityyyyyy mutaaaaaaate, she sings. I guess she’s singing about New York. Is there another M train somewhere? I don’t know. I’m going to think about this stupid year whenever I listen to this album, I thought.
I got off the bridge at City Hall, surveyed the ongoing occupation movement there and the literal dozens of cops that had seemingly been deployed to stand there and, at best, do nothing. I walked down Centre Street, eventually winding through the little park by Baxter Street where two adults were playing ping pong, which felt like a socially distanced sport, all things considered. I walked down all those side streets in Chinatown as the sun struggled to break through the oppressive clouds. I walked by Nom Wah, past the salon Polly taught me will give you a very good $12 blowout, past that annoying bar where the bartenders are dressed like scientists, past the place where Kate and I got our auras read on her birthday in January, and ended up at Deluxe Green Bo. I ordered my spicy wontons in peanut sauce and ate them right there, the hot plastic container burning my knees as I sat on the sidewalk.
Afterwards I walked by all my favorite places—the skatepark under the bridge, Cervo’s, Beverly’s (RIP), Little Canal, Jajaja, the Hawa Smoothie near the East Broadway F. The skaters were hanging out in Dimes Square. Everything had changed but standing outside Kiki’s, it felt for a second like almost nothing had. It was almost a normal Saturday on Canal Street. The sky stayed electric blue until I got back to Brooklyn.
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