#and glad in a lot of ways that it's not a pharmaceutical that is the only thing that helps

[drferox]

The ✨Joys✨ of Kesimpta

(With a medium amount of sarcasm).

Kesimpta is a monoclonal antibody named Ofatumumab which targets the B cells of my immune system to discourage them from demyelinating my spine and brain. It’s a very targeted therapy, these artificial antibodies only target one protein, and yet the side effect profile continues to be an interesting and unpredictable experience.

But firstly: does it work? Yeah, pretty well so far. Minimal progression, actually some improvement across most symptoms, and I will willingly trade the one day a month or so of side effects I have to endure for the medication that will hopefully keep me functional as long as possible. I will probably never go back to performing surgery, and there are bad days here and there, but the burning arm pain doesn’t happen anymore and the numbness is generally restricted to just hands, not the whole limb.

The side effects though, they have been… interesting. They’ve certainly lessened over time as I adjust to the medication, but it’s such a random grab bag of effects.

You get warned when you start this medication that it will cause a bit of a headache, so to take some Panadol. But what happened for me:

First two hours after the injection - nothing happened at all

Then the migraine came, plus heavy fatigue.

Then the shivering started, I had chills so bad that I was filling hot water bottles with boiling water to hug in my bed, because it was the only way I wouldn’t tremble constantly.

Then came the gastro signs, while I still had the chills.

Unrelenting insomnia approximately 12 hours after the dose.

The chills dissipated overnight but the nausea continued the next day, plus dizziness and exhaustion.

And I got to do that once a week for the first few doses, so I was pretty much non functional other than keeping myself alive at that point.

Over time, the side effects have been steadily less and less though. If I’m a little bit unwell in some way before a dose, the Kesimpta will exaggerate the symptoms, and I try and time the dose so I can sleep through most of the nausea and headache. I’m usually a bit off balance for most of the day, not enough to be a fall risk but aware enough that I am not right enough to drive and definitely shouldn’t climb a ladder.

But I still get these completely bizarre mood swings. I can go from being okay to crying over a sad thought in about 20 minutes, over no meaningful stimulus. I’m watching myself react this way and just have to ride it out, but there’s no way I could go to work on a medication day. People will think I’m insane or on a recreational drug.

So I have to take the day as a scheduled maintenance day.

Being on this medication has made me very glad for the Medicare system we have in Australia, and the pharmaceutical benefits scheme which subsidises the cost of a lot of medications through the government.

Without these systems, Kesimpta would be costing me about $2.5k per month. As it is now, it costs me about $60 a month, delivered, and I get a handy little ap that reminds me when my dose is due, and will send me an email or text message if it thinks I’ve missed a dose, steadily getting more frequent so that I will get a text message every hour as a reminder if it thinks I’ve forgotten.

[biteofcherry]

Hi Eva! I’d like to enter the babe lottery! Figured I’d throw my own wild card out there with Lloyd😈 (I’m so sorry to my poor baby loml Jakey🥺)

✨✨✨

"Oh god, what's wrong with me?" You groaned, closing your eyes and resting your head against the wall.

"I don't think there's something wrong with you per se," your friend coughed to mask her laugh, "but with your pussy surely."

You opened your eyes to glare at her. She was a good friend, but also terribly delighted with your misadventures and suffering. Though you understood why she had such a blast at the moment, since you it was ridiculous even in your own eyes.

The company retreat was an eye-rolling concept in itself, especially considering that you were a private security company, often dabbing in blackops. You weren't working for some insurance firm, or pharmaceutical one that allowed their employees to act like college students on spring break.

But it since it was happening you kept close to your little IT team, feeling most comfortable around them and knowing that you all will stray away from the wild parties and stupid actions others could start.

You had your own silly antics, ones especially initiated by Jake. Who was a sweetheart and you suspected he had a crush on you (half of the team often gave you pointed looks about that).

Then, unexpectedly, your resolution to have your introverted kind of fun crumbled to pieces. Because Lloyd Hansen approached you.

With that playful smirk under his mustache, he goaded you to join his team for the party at the top floor of the hotel. You'd probably refuse, if it was anyone else inviting you.

The problem was that you wanted Lloyd to fuck your brains out six ways to Sunday.

He wasn't a man you should ever be interested in. He was a known psychopath, egoistic narcissist, lethal and brutal in his ways. He was also tall and built like sin, with the perkiest ass and hands you dreamed of having on your body.

It wasn't your reason that made you agree. Not even suddenly found want to party with the rowdy crowd.

It was your horny pussy that hoped to get railed by him at least once.

Not entirely void of wariness, you dragged your friend along with you. When you entered the top floor, the party seemed to stretch not only through the all-windows restaurant, but also corridors leading to two presidential suits.

You laughed at your friend when she squealed at the sight of the chocolate fountain. She ran straight for it. You were about to follow, sending nods of acknowledgement and smiles toward familiar faces from the other departments.

Before you reached your friend, however, a body blocked your way. Your gaze lingered on a wide chest then slowly dragged upwards, to the handsome face with a glow of sinister glee.

"I'm so glad you made it, Pumpkin." Lloyd grinned. "Here you go-" he thrust a glass of pink drink into your hand- "Hope you like raspberry flavor."

"Umm," you bit your lip nervously, using both hands to hold the delicate glass.

"It's just to help you relax a bit," Lloyd nudged you to the side, steering you away from the line of two loudly laughing men.

With a tentative smile, you brushed your lips against the rim and took a sip of the drink. It really tasted of raspberries. And quite a lot of gin.

Lloyd smiled at you and with a hand pressed to the small of your back, he guided you down the corridor, away from the masses.

"I'm not that stressed," you told him. "I'm just not much of a drinker."

"That's okay. One is enough. We won't force you to drink more." His words sounded reassuring, taking off some of the pressure, but there was something about his choice of words that seemed unsettling.

Then Lloyd pushed you forward still, standing right behind you and pressing his chest against your back. Heat ignited in your body at the contact, melting away a tiny voice of worry that you were somewhat trapped.

"Hey, Pronge!" Lloyd called out as he opened the door of the suite. "Come taste this sweetest Pumpkin."

[pineapple-psychic]

i made a pjo/psych crossover

thanks to @autism-criminal for enabling me

Shawn Spencer, son of Hecate

henry and hecate hooked up once; thinking maddie finds out and its part of the reason for the divorce

this means shawn has real psychic powers!! yay!!

because hes a child of a titan, not a god, less monsters came after him so he was doing good until 18, when he ran away

him and gus looked out for each other :] bc of course henry cant see the monsters (and didnt know abt camp halfblood)

Burton 'Gus' Guster, son of Apollo

because pharmaceuticals and the god of medicine

absolutely HATES snakes. worse than dead bodies

i think itd be really funny to give him both the natural healing and the plagues powers because that would give him such a crisis

gus tries to go to college, but without the additional protection its more dangerous so he doesnt finish before asking shawn for help

shawn tells him abt this camp he found and whoo! shawngus in new york! (ik santa barbara is The City on Psych but listen theyre in pjo now)

Carlton Lassiter, son of Ares

this is mostly because of his obsession with guns, landmines, and the civil war

basically the only ares kid who gets along with athena kids. probably wishes he was one

and of course he HATES magic because it doesnt make sense so bam instant rivalry with shawn

part of the reason he doesnt get along with his mother is because of being lied to about his parentage, cause his stepdad is a dick and he wouldve been glad to know they werent related

Juliet O'Hara, daughter of Athena

pissed off at her parentage. she loves athena but she hates knowing that shes related to frank and not her mom

gets along great w lassie cause he may be an ares kid but hes not incredibly stupid like most of them

hates spiders of course

she joined the camp rather early in her life, because frank knew about the camp and she wanted to get away from him. ironic huh

Chief Karen Vick, child of Athena

they left the camp when they could to become a police officer up to chief, then returned to help Chiron out as a co-camp director because Mr. D does absolutely nothing

this way them and juliet are half siblings :D

Woodrow Strode, unknown

kinda just showed up one day

no one knows if hes a demigod or like a sighted mortal but he is just there

lives in the woods

hangs around the hades cabin a lot because death. also the Vibes

Busby 'Buzz' McNab, son of Demeter

can you imagine him tending to the gardens?? all 6'7 of him??? yes

also because buzz. bees. plants. demeter

i have basically no notes on him sorry

anyway im so wise. take my word as law (joking. do not do that)

[drdemonprince]

Thinking about the way I was treated by my own vocational specialist (i forget how that anon worded it, but that what they called him in the practice i go to) got me thinking. Do you think there's a specific unwillingness to understand... how to phrase this... the type of people psychiatrists would label as "mentally unstable" in some form or another? My psych asked me how much weed I smoked during a session and I found out that in his report he wrote "6 bowls." Now don't get me wrong, I'd find that to be a lot... if it were true. I said I smoked six times a day and he asked what I smoked out of, to which I correctly responded: "A Bowl." He asked no other clarifying questions. In the sessions afterward he minutely focused on why I smoked so much weed, instead of on the symptoms I was reporting. He asked if I felt dizzy and lightheaded, I responded "Well yeah, but that's because of the POTS diagnosis right?" (They were side effects of the medication I was taking- as I'd later come to find out. Thx webmd my beloved) He said I should stop smoking so much weed. I tried to explain that weed was the only thing that took the edge off my chronic pain. He said I should take over the counters, even though with the meds he prescribed me even an NSAID could kill me. I dunno, I didn't mean to dump all over your inbox, but I just feel there's this... commitment to misunderstanding people in need in the "mental health industry." And another question I might pose would be: "Why do we vilify self-medication with now legal substances when pharmaceuticals fail so much of the time?" (Also I got off that medication and am doing much better now that's it's Finally out of my system.)

That's what most of the clinical psych PhD students I came up with were like: zero life experience, rich, predominately white, predominately private school kids, acutely uncomfortable with drugs, disability, or difference, so judgemental the one girl in their program with tattoos got ostracized, assured of their own authority to issue judgement, deeply invested in the godliness of the pathology model, and only aware of real-world issues in the terms of what they had seen on Law and Order SVU. That was how they were when they entered the program. Their clinical training didn't make them any better. Theirs is a population that speaks for the prejudice of the near-highest and most isolated and naive (violently naive!) sectors of society. Glad you got away from it.

[wistfulwisp]

Hi katie i love ur content but i do wanna tell you... some of it gets super close to anti pharmaceutical holistic medicine and anti modern medicine and it's not your fault if blogs intend their posts as such, but pls be careful that you remain critical of the things you rb because some of them have like.. new age/manipulative dogwhistles imho

Hi there! First of all, I wanted to say thank you for sending such a well written and thoughtful message to me. I’m really glad that you took the time to write this and to ask me something like this because I don’t want people to be scared or weary of bringing things up like this. I like to try to create an open blog where people can ask me questions about really anything they want and know that they will get a thoughtful and critical response back.

This is actually a topic that really interests me, and the more that I thought about this ask that you sent me the more I realize that I do actually have a lot of thoughts on modern medicine versus non-modern medicine. One of the things that I don’t really ever talk about with anyone is that I was actually born addicted to opioids and to spend a lot of time being weaned off of them I think that that plus having drug abuse in my household has changed the way that I see medical treatments for me personally? I don’t really talk about it with anyone because the very few times that I’ve actually opened up about it. It’s been almost immediately weaponized and used against me so I’ve just stopped sharing it with people, but I do think that it’s actually relevant here. I live with someone that’s actively against modern medicine, but I often don’t share her views either. A lot of that I think stems from her fear of illness.

I think that modern medicine should be accessible to everyone. I think there should be multiple options for everyone and easy ways to try out new medications without jumping through a million hoops. I think it should be easy and cheap if not free. I think if you find a medication that works well for you the government should be paying for that — it’s a right. I know governments have it in their budgets 🙄 are you kidding me?

But, I’m also someone that believes in the power of yoga, and meditation. I’m someone that uses tarot as an emotional regulator. I’m someone that says soup has healing properties and means it. Part of that is believing in the power behind those actions (saying “soup has healing properties” is much more magical than saying “food is fuel, you should eat to feel better”). And, part of it is the loverboy in me that thinks there’s peace in the rain and that sitting outside in the quiet connects you to all the little creatures whispering in the wind. This, in itself, is healing, and I mean it.

Most importantly, I think that these need to be in balance in order for their benefits to be reaped. You can’t rely on either one alone, in my opinion. Just because they give you different things. And, that idea of everything in moderation is kind of where my values lie in most things (this doesn’t include all the slimy goblin-like homophobes or transphobes or anyone that falls under that umbrella).

I’ve learned that the majority of the blogs on tumblr I’ll be disagreeing with, because most of them hold their beliefs to such insane extremes that I can’t possibly get behind them. Even the positivity blogs I reblog from — that isn’t possible all the time. “Staying positive” isn’t possible all the time, yk? My values are much more of a shade of grey than most blogs on here represent. Most informative blogs, anyways.

So I guess the takeaway here is that I’m always critical. The things that I share on here I see with a critical eye. It’s my job as a human that lives in this world to embrace and question the world I live in, because both are forms of loving life.

I actually really like conversations like this, and really enjoy when people send this stuff in so feel free to — you or anyone else. And, usually the blogs I reblog stuff from I don’t even see. I usually filter through tags instead of cruising on blogs (although my mutuals I check in on). So, usually the blog I’m reblogging something from has a completely different take from me, and I’m interpreting a less extreme version of their take lol.

Also, thanks for sticking around! Love ya right back :) I hope this answered any concerns you have and clarified my stance.

EDIT: if you want to follow me on a platform where I express a lot more of my actual views, I’d recommend tiktok. I don’t make TikToks but honestly if enough people followed me on there I could see myself making some. I mostly repost stuff but I find there are people on there that articulate my thoughts better than the blogs run on here.

[hope-ur-ok]

♦️TW, continuation of the addiction talk including my story♦️

Hey just wanted to thank you for how educated and compassionate your response was to the anon about 'what about us who never got addicted, where are our flowers' (I paraphrase lol).

Because I'm in recovery. I come from a long line of alcoholics, almost a third of my cousins had to go to rehab, like we have a book on our family history and at least 5 generations had people with alcohol problems because way back then they had repeat criminal charges and their defence was'i needed it'. So I knew this and have never had a drink in my life. But after an injury that lead to permanent disability, I was given pain killers and other pharmaceuticals to try and cope with my symptoms. I was so careful because a lot of my cousins have also been addicted to pills and heroin, so I knew it was a risk... But they stopped working, so I started taking more and more trying to get any relief that never came and sure enough, I got addicted. I quit cold turkey because I was too ashamed to ask for help (which was very dangerous and even when I was hospitalised for the withdrawal symptoms I still didn't say anything about the pills - heads up to anyone - NEVER go cold turkey and never lie to drs in hospital, they don't care and you'll save money on the tests they run).

Anyway, I take my recovery so seriously that I live in constant pain and have tried heaps of natural things and have a committed routine that helps (but not like narcotics can lol) and when I had surgery I initially refused pain killers for aftercare. That was a big mistake, and I ended up having them but my mother rationed them for me and I only took 3 pills, when they said I'd need 4 a day. It was a longer recovery than if I took the medication and hurt like hell. I have had to go to the emergency room and tell them 'i can't breathe from the pain but please don't give me narcotics'. It is horrible. I don't know where to buy pills illegally, but drs are still willing to prescribe them for me even though on the front page of my history says I was previously addicted and built up complete tolerance to narcotics. I've had drs say 'oh but it was this medication... How about trying this other one?' even though they are the same class of drugs. 💀

I don't talk about my issues and keep them really private, but I just really appreciated your response, so thank you 🥲💜💜💜💜

Hi, I want to say that I am so proud of you, the fact that you have managed to get and stay clean despite the struggles you face is amazing. I can't imagine how hard that recovery from surgery was without enough stronger pain relief, you should get a million awards for the strength you showed with that. I probably rewrote that response half a dozen times cause I wanted to make sure it came out right, and I still wasn't sure I did it justice so I'm glad to know that I didn't make a complete mess of it.

[nochi-quinn]

campaign 3 episode 51: like a fucking fiddle

I am Afraid

sam riegel has never played a video game in his life

dslkjfskl he has to read all the disclaimers for the audio-only people

oh nooo

laura you're the main character how could you

"polishing the knobs"

I got distracted playing with my moon lamp

I can theoretically make it red but eh

the monitor I'm watching on trends warm so the lighting tonight is gonna be fun for me

do we need a deep dive on fcg right this fucking instant

donna noble voice: sometimes you need someone to stop you

poor laura

she probably had so much tea that day. or that weird chinese cough syrup they seem to swear by

stop spending all your spells on sending

"that wasn't an accident"

ira's gonna kill xandis and gank the ship

like I'll be very happy to be proven wrong but magic 8 ball says Unlikely

"sam did a lot of pharmaceuticals before this game"

threaten ira with nana morri

sam suffering for his art

sam's gonna fuck with laura about her voice all gd night isn't he

am I the only person old enough to remember Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot

I'm a simple bitch, I hear "three-pronged claw" and I think Doctor Loboto

someone get him some tinfoil

him leg too big for him got-dam robit

"how do I see - " "take the glasses off"

samuel

damn, nobody can talk tonight

okay where's the bioshock au fanart

they're ALL gonna fuck with laura about her voice

ashley

sam's fuckin gas can

"traveler's garments" they're all wearing green cloaks

NATURAL 20 OF FUCK OFF

oh shit

dunamis bunny

oh somebody finally commented on the warder/water thing

notohan

not the "son"

oh that's not great

ngl I dozed off until everybody yelled @ initiative

I am saving my attention span for when the moon hatches

"wiz kids exists!"

this can obviously only end well

"I'm going to then shit"

rapidly hiding and scarfing food OR me playing breath of the wild

"massive explosions" found caleb

oh NICE

NOT NICE

it was a good idea tho

PROJECT CHICKEN LITTLE

[puts xandis in a bubble]

pls no break ryn

NO BREAK RYN

not the Guess I'll Die

who left the robot unsupervised

HEY

PUT HIM DOWN

"uh-oh-regard"

UH-OH-REGARD

CAN WE HAVE A KEYLETH PLS

we need the Marisha Convergence

every time with the petrify and the arms

I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER AN AIRSHIP PLEASE

HEY WHAT

HEY W H A T

PUT TIME BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME

YEAH

godDAMMIT

LET US HAVE NICE THINGS

"and that's when scanlan shorthalt arrived" listen I'm still crossing my fingers for kiki to bring grog

fcg! buzzsaw!

oh thank GOD xandis booked it

correct response

fucking reddit atheist bro

MATTHEW

that was a hair you didn't need to split

oh cool now I'm crying

"looks important, better push everything"

WHERE KIKI

IS KIKI??

KEYTEOR???

KEYTEOR!!!

MARISHA CONVERGENCE

NO

matthew

sir

matthew you have to drive home with her

HE

THE BOY

he's gonna be in so much trouble with his mom

BUT

liam piecing his brain back together in real time

"he's just so attractive~"

I need this animated. vax as described in the dalen's closet one-shot but animated

nooooo he was so close

god there's not even half an hour left what happens

MONKEY

"let a monkey end this"

WEREWOLF OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE

okay that was a good line, I'll give chetney that one

godDAMMIT

like a bird off a windshield

hey I hate it

god I'm so glad my kid's off school tomorrow, no way I sleep after this

noooOOOO

they fucked with keyleth to draw her in bc they knew it'd bring vax in??? is that what fucking happened???

HEY MATT WHAT THE FUCK

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR GROG

oh we have LAURA book-on-head

that's never good

somebody get liam a goddamn fainting couch

they just got fucking BLASTED

is robit on moon???

they're on WILDEMOUNT???

what the FUCK

okay I mean this very legitimately somebody get liam a bottle of water and a blanket. like shit.

somebody get ME a bottle of water and a blanket.

[bellewintersroe]

USHFJFJF NO WORDS CAN EXPRESS MY JOY FINDING AN ACTIVE BoB BLOG, YOUR WRITING IS AWESOME!

My first time properly requesting a ship (romantic and platonic if that’s possible?) I’ll try my best to keep it concise!

My pronouns are she/her. I have straight, dark black hair that grows a little over my shoulder and dark brown eyes that only shines under really bright light.

I’m an MBTI type INFP, enneagram type 9w1– though on topics of interest I could become highly analytical and slightly more willing to engage in debates.

Though I am an introvert, if I am faced with an unfamiliar environment without knowing anyone, I will initiate conversations with people if they pique my interest (usually I talk to one person, really, I’m pretty reserved still). Initially I’ll usually express curiosity (and soft-spoken to the extreme level, I sorta have anxiety 😭)

I pretty much have a golden retriever energy and am really fond of joking around once I grow fond/smitten with someone. I try my best to actively be open-minded. I also ramble a lot about things I’m interested in, say, a character in a book I finished recently.

My hobbies are drawing, reading, and listening to relaxing music! My favourite season is probably autumn.

I am fluent in 2 languages (English + Vietnamese) and am learning French and German fundamentals.

Currently I am gearing towards biochemistry in general, but if I can, I would love to work in the pharmaceutical field or the medical field, as I enjoy helping people get back on their feet (directly or indirectly I haven’t quite figured out yet).

Thank you for your patience! I sort of went off on my own there for a bit, I hope it’s enough info! 🎉

ahhhhh thank you so much for your request!! I’m so happy there’s so many of you enjoying these! Thank you for the amount of detail in this <3 <3

I ship you with… Warren ‘Skip’ Muck!

First of all, I feel like Skip would be in complete awe of your eyes. Let’s say you meet one day in Toccoa, it’s a beautiful day, but it gets a whole lot better when this tall, dirty blonde haired man accidentally bumps into you.

he doesn’t do it on purpose, but he’s sooo glad he did, and when he takes a step back to apologise, he’s suddenly lost for words when you’re just gazing back to him all beautiful and your eyes are GLOWING in the Georgian sunlight.

”oh my god have I just bumped into an Angel or?” I don’t think Skip would physically be able to hide his attraction/ crush from you. Even if you were good friends for a while, his feelings would be so obviously out there.

he’d probably recognise how intuitive you are, I feel like Skip can be the same; so when he notices you speaking more often about topics you’re passionate about, he purposefully brings things up to have a debate/ find a way to speak to you.

thinks you’re soooo super duper smart and agrees with you on literally anything. He’s a liberal man, wants to hear your opinions / intuitions on absolutely everything and anybody.

Can tell when you’re a little anxious and supports you through this, cheers you on even if you’re just having a conversation with somebody. “It’s okay, babe, carry on.” Or, “I’m listening, babe.”

Feel like he’d call you babe more than he would your own name. You’re his babe.

So proud of you, shows you off all the time.

‘Yeah well my girl speaks TWO languages, and she’s that smart, she’s gonna save all your sorry arses one day’.

he’s SO proud of you, like the feeling is overwhelming, loves showing you off, talking about you and your accomplishments.

would seriously be your biggest supporter and number 1 cheerleader.

I feel like Skip can’t get enough of you, you’re so smitten and he can see that himself, he loves cuddling and having you to himself when you finally get some alone time.

deffo admires tf out of you, you’d glance down and he’d gaze up to you with this gentle smile and eyes literally sparkling.

the golden retriever energy deffo shows in your relationship, you’re so excited to be with each other, and you both grow that comfortable I feel like you become a pair of weirdos that have all these inside jokes and gags- nobody else understands.

I think you’d be the perfect person to support him after the war (let’s pretend he was just wounded OKAY). He’d need the mental support and you’d offer that endlessly with so much encouragement and understanding.

your curious nature means you’d always get to the bottom of his sadness/ low moods. I doubt they’d last for long though, if you talk to him about something you’re interested in, legit anything at all, he’s smiling like a dork in your direction.

listening to relaxing music together, especially closer towards nighttime / before you go to bed would be such a therapeutic routine for you both.

Probably tries to draw whatever you have/ copy it just because he knows it makes you laugh. He BOTCHES it, even though he’s tried his hardest.

these probably end up on the wall or the fridge and let’s say Luz or someone comes to visit theyd probs be like; “I didn’t know you had kids?! What a shit drawing!!”

its all fun and jokes. Your relationship would be so fun, and so full of consistent love.

[kyrodo]

Lupyraster. Had another long visit with him since Choskey was asleep. Admittedly I'm glad I had the chance to cause normally Choskey eats up all the time I might have spent visiting people in vr. We had a cuddle session. Lupy was experiencing heavy side effects from the antidepressant he's taking.

Similar to lightfostpaw, other than taking psychotics, he also experiences Phantom Sense. I don't know to what severity per say. I know light is highly sensitive to pain in vr. But it seems milder for Lupy. And he doesn't have the same kind of social anxiety that light has that prevents him from cuddling. In fact cuddles and pets in vr seems to be the one thing that keeps him afloat emotionally.

He's not much of a gamer I don't think even though he's very knowledgeable about making them. He spends most of his time in vr like light does. That or whatever discord he's in.

After today he said I was very pleasant company for him. We talked about all kinds of things, like his pharmaceuticals, like red's migraines and adhd, my utah experience very lightly, phantom sense, etc. He has a soft spot for cats. He feels "homeless" even when he's home and treats where he's living like just a place to exist more than anything. Similar to how I felt when I was in UT.

He moves a lot for work reasons. He's not tied to any particular state. He gets more social interaction out of vrchat than anywhere else which isn't surprising honestly. His dosage side effects are a constant issue and it makes him barely responsive later in the day. And the thing he values more than fighting his depression is having the energy to actually do stuff. The side effect makes him super drowsy and unable to speak long sentences.

He has a soft spot for cats. Hearing my cat noises makes him melt. He has some kind of gaming group and friends, but they all seem young. He is probably very grateful for some company on the same level. People likely look up to him because he's a good listener, but me and him are closer equals in terms of experience. And I have a lot of understanding for the pharmaceuticals issue, phantom sense, and adhd through knowing Red and Lightfost.

He highly values my company. I've been a good listener, I'm very patient. There were several moments I was thinking about visiting a couple other people like smallclone, mad mittens, etc but I chose not to. Because it did remind me of my cuddle sessions with Choskey before we got together.

We have an easy time talking to each other. He's hard of hearing but I expect it and I work with it. I have not been shy about talking about Red or Choskey. He really likes my pets and noises. Finds my fur to be relaxing to the touch. He's very good at giving pets because of his phantom sense.

Most of all I can help him relax while he's undergoing the crash. Moreso than anyone ever has I would imagine. My repertoire of cat noises is fully developed and I offer deep conversation that is stress free and more age relevant. He really enjoys my petting too.

In some ways I wish I had met him before Choskey. He's more like Red. Responsible, handy and resourceful, knows his stuff. Just lonely and depressed. I can get along really well with him. Even though his side effects are bad enough he can't talk while crashing, this is some of the most coherent talks I've had with anyone in vr and he's very responsive to gentle pets. I do feel he and Red would have been able to converse on a level I knowledgeably can't. I kinda like him, like every visit with him has been extremely rewarding, but he'll be a very good friend to have.

[coeursetcolores]

Alfyn, the Apothecary: Chapter 2

WARNING! Spoilers ahead for Chapter 2 of Alfyn’s story in Octopath Traveler!

Alright! Time to destroy our hopes of making a difference in the world with the harsh reality of the pharmaceutical business!

I swear, if this story kicks the life out of my sunshine boy...

Well, we made it to Goldshore at the right time! There’s a sickness going through town! And our boy Alfyn’s on it!

His first patient is a little girl! Again. Oh well, he’s on the case!

...Well he would be. Seems another apothecary’s here. One with very suspicious sounding voice clips....

Time to leave little Ellen then. Our sweet boy will continue on his way.

And to Ellen’s mother, ma’am! I was just trying to help! And there’s nothing wrong with being scruffy! Geez!

What a simple chapter! Now onward to...

...No one bought that, right?

Yeah, we got plenty more to cover. Especially about possibly one of the most twisted characters in this game; and frighteningly, one you could see in real life.

Let’s talk about Goldshore first. We’ve made it to the retirement town! Beautiful beaches and a district for the wealthy, you can just see millionaires flocking here to spend their last days. The water blends beautifully with the sand pixels, making use of the 2d-3d presentation. The sand looks great too, great job on the layering. I also like detail of the cliffs cutting into the bricks on the steps, it really sells the coastal vibe. And the sparkles simulating the shimmering reflection of the sun tie it all together. The city itself is simple, even in the fancier district. Just content to let the beach take center stage. This does make the church seem out of place, clashes with the tone. Still nice. Though, you’d think a town this fancy would clean up that boat wreck at the shore...

Alfyn continues to be a sweet boy, nothing new on that front. I am glad I got to see him figure out stuff on his own: he observed Vanessa’s behavior and while he believed her at first like everyone else, once he saw her act in a way contrary to how she was at first, he became suspicious and investigated thoroughly. It’s important to balance his kindness with his intelligence.

I like that this chapter doesn’t just demonize wanting money. Sure, more value is placed on love like the moral goes, but money is acknowledged as something necessary to survive. Love and helping others is great, but you need to support yourself while you’re at it. The problem is when you let your desire for money override your conscience.

Of course we end up having to cure a sick little girl after all. Who is poor. And was sick before this. All to show how depraved someone would have to be to not want to treat her. Hopefully her mom will be more grateful now...

Okay. Did not expect Ellen to say that.

The Caves of Azure were actually kind of pretty, especially the boss room. I really liked how the emphasis on blue worked, and how the lighting hit it.

Vanessa Hyzel...is a scarily realistic villain. Seeming to cure illness, only to give the patient a new one...Hiding behind a facade of charity to build believability so there’s less of a fuss when she overcharges...This could and does happen in real life. Scam artists are everywhere. And we don’t have a lot of Alfyns to stop them.

WAIT, SHE EXPERIMENTED ON KITTENS?! SHE’S GOING DOWN!

Of course she’s a summon boss. Well, at least she explains why they’re there!

Dang. That was cold, Alfyn. I underestimated you. I knew we couldn’t let her get away, but I didn’t think he’d drug her. Okay, he’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

Yeah, I deserve an apology! Not all scruffy drifters are bad guys, ma’am!

The ending was sweet. It’s nice to have your efforts appreciated, even if you only get seashells from some little girls. But, okay! Getting money in this game is not easy, but I’m not poor! And grown-ups can cry! Everyone has feelings! And you’ll get there Alfyn. You’ll be just like your hero.

Maybe even better.

As for the other’s thoughts on observing a pandemic:

H’aanit: It’s nice she appreciates how good he is with kids. It’s good for work! But she will smile when she feels like it, thank you.

Olberic: It’s nice to see someone whose work is fighting praise someone who works in healing. And I’m glad Alfyn doesn’t criticize Olberic for being someone who’s caused a lot of injuries. They both respect each other and share a determination to hone their crafts. It’s nice.

Cyrus: Dang it, Alfyn! Have some more faith in yourself! You’ll get there! And you’re already doing a good job! ACCEPT THE PRAISE!

Tressa: Way to get our hopes up, Tress. Don’t come at me with that sentimental stuff, we got a party to feed! Okay, I kinda like the mushy, value can’t always be measured in money.

Therion: ...Alfyn, you’re scaring me. How does a conscience get pricked? What does he need to be careful about, Theri? I think he has more of that stuff!

Primrose: You just defended crying, Alfyn. Now you’re trying to look tough in front of Prim. Make up your mind. But yeah, he’d be a great father. One day.

Ophilia: ...’Kay. TMI, don’t need to know about your nervous itching, or where it is, but okay. We’ll keep the praise to a minimum. Even if it’s well-deserved.

Now we go to Saintsbridge!

...I don’t trust that name. Kind of ominous.

But maybe that’s why they need an apothecary?

[cosmique-o]

My back aches terribly hours ago but I find as I'm lugging around my bookstacks that I have a Dover Thrift Edition of G.K. Chesterton's Favorite Father Brown Stories. From Wick of Peedee Wah (that's how it goes, yeah?):

Father Brown is a fictional Roman Catholic priest and amateur detective. He features in 53 short stories by English author G. K. Chesterton, published between 1910 and 1936... Father Brown is a short, plain Roman Catholic priest, with shapeless clothes, a large umbrella, and an uncanny insight into human behaviour. His unremarkable, seemingly naïve appearance hides an unexpectedly sharp intelligence and keen powers of observation.

OK, so - it doesn't sound life-changing. Especially in 2023 (or am I saying that as some all encompassing cope for collective inadequacies?). I sure do talk about things in the context of 2023 a lot - usually in a joking, possibly sarcastic manner - a part of me thinks it is because - let's be honest - 2023 is one of the worst numbers ever discovered, or invented, or... Uh, found? Is found different than discovered? You bet your butt it does, and it is a sad state of affairs to see things so.

I have a vague memory bubble up with almost caustic vigor and boiling chaos. I think about a little festival held in Hamtramck years ago, and my very drunk 50-year-old friend insisting to dance with my roommate ("That's what you do... and she's like a fuckin' daughter to me! It's like a daddy daughter dance to music. That's what people do.") Getting all pushy and violently unaware of his state, the utter foolishness and desperation, my roommate seeing this (with her boyfriend next to her - who in all fairness should have just tipped my buddy on the shoulder or something and he would have just fell over and asleep - no fight neccesary. I am glad they're no longer together). My friend was so apologetic, in a 3D way - I felt a bit bad for him - he is a slave to many things. He was molested young, made an enormous amount of money and his ex-wife simply obliterated his entire stash, she took him for everything through the courts as he slipped into terminal obesity, terrible habits and, supposedly, a brain that is so "unique and damaged and overstressed" from, uh, drinking Milkwaukee's Best and smoking huge joints all day. He says the doctors want to pay him out big time, but he rattled off some garbage apocrypha about, jeez - I dunno - I know he said MRI machines will mess up your testicle(s) and sperm production. And that they're just too dang clausterphobic.

He is a great friend - I genuinely love the guy. I feel bad about insisting that he make drastic life changes over the years. I'm not sure he needs to, or it would help. He's had a rough life. He's got his beers and gigantic joints and a curmudgeon girlfriend... and two sons. And a granddaughter, who he has seen once. Son #1 distracted him with the baby while Son #2 ransacked $80k (eighty-thousand) in rare coins. They are both tremendous gambling addicts and I told him he needs to go nuclear. Sadly - to use that term a bit too much, SADLY! - he will just rattle off nonsense about karma, paying it forward, the Universe settling all its books eventually and realizing he needs to square things up and.... sadly... consider getting his adult grown thief sons in court. He should lock his door. He let's so many people in, and they steal from him and act unsavory and basically that entire - let's say, five block radius? - it is a veritable circus, a semi-ajar if not low-key open-air drug market that leans heavily towards pharmaceuticals. Genetic freakshow oddities go around to senile doctors and they see which one is far gone enough to simply ask "So what would you like?" or "Here, take these Oxycodoes, some deaf guy left them here and I don't know what the hell do to with them."

I tell him, take three, put on your favorite comedy and order some gratuitous food. Don't be lazy. Write down your abstracted, far-out inquiries - ask questions. Answer them later. Note takers have a natural aversion to reading their own notes later - myself included. I have a good fifty notebooks over the past 15 (fifteen) years. Woof. I have no clue if they're "good," but they must certainly be interesting. And I'd love it for others to find them interesting. That'd be really terrific and helpful. Well, let's just say terrific for now.

One more thing. A question - why do men hate each other? Not even in the Joe Rogan alpha-monkey shpiel. Why do they bring out the worst in each other? Why do they all seem jealous of me? I don't mean that narcissisticly. They just have this angry face of regret and longing when I am dominating the conversation or simply just doing my own thing. I think they're afraid of a lot of things. I fear nothing. I just really don't want to die - and I have that feeling I'll outlive everyone I know that deserved it. The types who tried, and put effort into learning how their bodies work. What diet is for them. How much exercise a day.

And then their genes give them a heart attack before their first grey hair grows in. Yeah. Their genes. Must be, right? Yeah?

[sheliesshattered]

Good lord I hate stretching. Every bit of it is obnoxious and boring. Especially the bit where it’s the only thing that really actually helps with the chronic pain, but only if I spend significant time on it every single fucking day.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Serious question. RE the article about ASD and ADHD in genomes, I was excited at first but then got very nervous. I recognize you might not have an answer to this. Are they researching this so as to “cure” ASD and ADHD, or to genuinely learn more about these ways of existing?

This is often a really difficult question to answer because it almost never is explicitly stated anymore, and becomes a game of "follow the money".

In this case however! Spectrum news is typically a reliably well informed source for news on autism research, to the point that I sometimes allow myself to be lax with my fact checking! In this case, the article I shared by Spectrum was a news write up, and I admittedly did not take the time to do my own review of the study it is reporting on (until now) because I trust spectrum's reporting.

I'm actually really glad I did so. Spectrum's reporting appears to be an accurate representation of the study results! However as an autistic clinician with a research background I find the details elaborating on those results to be incredibly intriguing and am now caught up in wondering about how these findings tie into the genetic disorder ACC which also results from this same genetic milieu (not a biogenetacists term, just mine) as ADHD and ASD, albeit far more rarely. It makes me wonder about the implications of ADHD as one disorder, ASD as a second, AuDHD (as I have seen it amusingly called in layman's terms) as a third, and ACC as a fourth subgroup of genetic expression. They did not control for or discuss ACC in this paper though (few do, that's the curse of rare genetic disorders) so I will have to be left to my wonderings alone.

That said, your question is whether the study itself is coming at this research from a perspective of neurodiversity or of cures. I didn't see any contributer or funder names that immediately pinged as Cure Based Care, and an initial search for these names online brings back a variety of international genetics advancement players. These can be dicey because while many genetic advancement researchers and their funders are basically just "knowledge for its own sake" kind of people, plenty are there for the eugenic implications of what can be done with that knowledge. It can be hard to sort them apart from each other without a fair amount of digging and several more languages (at the medical level) than I currently speak. However, I also saw at least a few people whose specialties were in ADHD including one who trains mental health professionals like myself on the newest evidence-based recommendations (he also does work in schizophrenia care research which makes a LOT of sense and is somewhat reassuring for me gicen the context of this study).

The primary funders seem to be pharmaceutical companies, which doesn't scream "cure based care" to me as Pharma companies are rather notorious for rejecting cures even where they are a great idea due to profit concerns.

The TLDR here is that while I don't see anything that rapidly pinged as concerning to me about the intentions behind this study, I am prepared to be educated on anyone/anything in this paper that indicates otherwise because I am admittedly underprepared to rabbit hole enough to confirm with certainty that none of these pharma companies are A Problem TM.

If anyone wants to read the study for themselves (Spectrum's link is paywalled behind academic subscription services), check it out here!

https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2021.05.20.21257484v1.full-text

Anyway, this was a great question to ask and while it's sad that so many of us assume there's good odds of research about us coming from a eugenics angle, I really think more people should know how to (and consistently utilize) the kind of follow up digging that the question inspires!

[pocket-luv101]

Marigolds || Chapter 1

Fandom: Genshin Impact Ship: CynoNari

Summary: Cyno is a Jackal of Death who delivers souls to the afterlife. However, his latest task is to protect a young girl during the last year of her life. He wants to keep his distance but he falls in love with her father, Tighnari. Tighnari vowed to protect Collei when he adopted her, even against a death god. (Modern Fantasy AU)

(Ch.1) ||

“Did you have fun with Amber today, Collei?” Tighnari sat next to her bed and placed a glass of water on the nightstand. She silently nodded and swallowed her medicine. Her expression was solemn and he could see that it wasn’t from the bitter pills. “Your condition has gotten better and you were able to use knitting needles today. Maybe, one day, you can visit Amber’s house. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

Due to Collei’s rare illness, she couldn’t exert herself and she needed expensive medication. Yet, she tried to continue forward with a brave smile. She was the strongest child he met and he wanted to give her a better life by adopting her. Before Tighnari opened his flower shop, he was a doctor in the pharmaceutical industry. He didn’t like their practises but he was glad his knowledge could be used to help Collei. He cared for her like a daughter.

“Tighnari, do you think I’ll be able to see the fireworks on New Year’s?” Her voice was small when she asked the question. She usually hid her uncertainty behind a smile but, with Tighnari, her honest emotions appeared. His heart tightened with sympathy and he wanted to comfort her with a hug. Tighnari stopped himself because he knew how complicated her past was.

“You’ve made a lot of progress already and your eleazar has slowed to a manageable state. New Years is five months away. I’ll close the shop and drive you and Amber to watch the fireworks. I’ll ask Yoimiya for the best places to watch them too.” From his time as a doctor, Tighnari knew that it was better to be realistic but he wanted Collei to be hopeful for the future. “We’ll plan out the details once it’s closer to New Years. For now, get some rest”

“Goodnight, Tighnari.” She said and laid down on her bed. He repeated the words to her and pulled the blanket over her. He left the room and quietly closed the door behind him.

Tighnari was tired but he didn’t go to his bedroom immediately. He made his way down the stairs to the humble flower shop beneath their home. It was his nightly routine to count the flowers and ensure that the doors were locked before going to sleep. They lived in a good neighbourhood but he couldn’t be reckless with Collei’s safety.

As he reached the bottom of the steps, a soft glow from the marigolds caught his attention. The purple colour stood out against the yellow petals. The lights were off and he couldn’t think of anything that it could be. A mixture of fear and curiosity filled Tighnari. He cautiously walked to the marigolds on display and searched for anything that could make the violet light. Tighnari picked up a wilted marigold among the bouquet and he felt an invisible force against his hand. He strained his eyes against the light.

The violet light flickered slightly and he could see the outline of a claw. His heart dropped and he took his hand back as if the marigold had burned him. He turned sharply and he found a tall man standing next to him. Tighnari couldn’t see his face behind the jackal mask he wore. He didn’t know how the man could enter his shop without triggering the alarm.

He instinctively swung his fist at the stranger. The jackal didn’t expect him to punch him and the force of his attack made him stagger back a few steps. Tighnari grabbed the broom and then he placed himself between the man and the stairs. He didn’t fully understand the situation or how the man broke into the flower shop but Tighnari was determined to protect Collei.

“I called the police before I came down here. They’ll be here soon so I suggest you turn yourself in with only a trespassing charge.” Tighnari lied. He hoped the man would believe him and leave without fighting. “If you don’t go, the police will be the least of your problems.”

“You can see me?” He asked and his brows furrowed. The man looked past Tighnari to something over his shoulder. Tighnari worried that Collei had woken up and he turned around to warn her. The stairway was empty but an overwhelming sense of dread filled him. “They’re here for the girl.”

A white furred jackal jumped through Tighnari’s body and bounded up the stairs. He chased after the creature even as his mind was still racing to make sense of the situation. The jackal ran quickly and it seemingly disappeared at the top of the staircase. He mentioned a girl so Tighnari ran to Collei’s room and he threw open the door.

The jackal stood at the foot of Collei’s bed but it wasn’t growling at her or Tighnari. It bared its fangs at a large snake in the corner of the room. The snake was taller than the height of the room and it needed to twist its body to loom over them. The large dog leapt forward and sank its hand into the snake. The sound of fighting pulled Tighnari out of his shock and he ran to Collei’s bed. He intended to carry her away from the jackal and snake.

Suddenly, the room became deathly silent.

He looked over his shoulder to the jackal standing over the corpse of the snake. Their eyes met and it slowly crossed the room to them. With each step, the dog’s shape changed until a man was in front of him. He held a spear and it dragged against the wood floor. Tighnari hugged Collei protectively and glared at the man. He thought it was strange the noise hadn’t woken her but he thought it was better she didn’t see the dead snake. A part of him hoped the entire night was a strange nightmare.

“What are you?” Tighnari asked. He didn’t take his eyes off the spear that the man held. A million more questions flowed out of him. “What was that snake you were fighting? How were you able to transform into a jackal? What do you want with Collei? I won’t give my daughter to you. Who are you?”

“How can you see me?” He answered Tighnari’s question with one of his own. The man appeared equally confused with their situation as he was. They watched each other carefully, waiting to see who would attack first. Tighnari placed one hand on Collei’s head and reached for the glass on the nightstand. With a quick flick of his wrist, he knocked the glass away with his spear.

To the man’s surprise, Tighnari hurled a thick book at him and his mask fell from his face. He had reached for the glass as a distraction so he could use the book as a weapon. The man was able to parry the book easily. He stabbed the spear inches from Tighnari’s feet and the silent threat made Tighnari stiffen. However, he didn’t attack him. The man knelt down in front of him.

“You’re a brave human but you don’t need to fear me. My name is Cyno and I am a Jackal of Death.” He told him. Cyno let go of his spear to lessen the fear he could see in Tighnari’s green eyes. “My duty is to protect her until it’s time to deliver her soul to the other side. When a human approaches death, monsters will come to devour their souls.”

“Protect her from monsters like that?” Tighnari glanced at the snake. The mythical creature contradicted the strict world of science he knew but he couldn’t deny everything he saw as a dream. Then, Cyno’s latter words sank in. “You’re going to take her to the other side like the Grim Reaper? Collei is sick but she’s not going to die.”

“I’m sorry.” Cyno didn’t know what else to say. He was invisible to humans and that allowed him to keep his distance from them. He couldn’t allow his emotions to affect his work. This was the first time he was confronted by a human’s grief. “You still have some time with her. Though, that advice may be pointless. My master requires I erase the memory of any human who sees me.”

“How long does she have to live?” He asked. Tighnari didn’t expect a death god to answer him truthfully but he still felt disappointed by Cyno’s silence. He let go of Collei and stood in front of Cyno. “How many years do I have?”

“My master told me that is the first question humans will ask us. It was your second question. I cannot tell you when you will die or how. It will interrupt the cycle of—”

“I don’t care! However many years I have, give some of them to Collei. Even if it’s just five months, seeing the fireworks with her friends will let her pass away without regret.” Tighnari was a proud person and he didn’t like leaning on emotional pleas but he promised Collei that she would see the fireworks.

“I cannot grant your wish. If my master knew I was speaking with a human, he would punish both of us. Cherish the time you have left with your daughter. This is the only compromise I can give you.” He said. From their brief interaction, Cyno knew that Tighnari wouldn’t accept his answer. “Maybe it will be easier for you if I erased your memories of this night.”

He lifted his hand and brushed his fingers over his soft cheek. The scent of marigolds circled them and a fog settled in Tighnari’s mind. Despite his efforts to stay awake, his eyes drifted closed. Cyno caught Tighnari before he could fall to the ground. He looked down at the man in his arms. At first glance, others would assume Tighnari was thin and weak. He had to admire his bravery when he argued with him. It was clear that he cared for his daughter.

Cyno recalled Tighnari’s willingness to trade his life for Collei’s. Unfortunately, he couldn’t grant his wish even if the laws of the world allowed him. Tighnari’s remaining time was shorter than hers.

Tighnari sat up in his bed, his mind still spinning from the previous night. He looked around his room but he couldn’t remember going to sleep. The last thing he remembered before falling unconscious was the man with white hair. He wanted to call the man a dream but everything felt far too vivid. Cyno’s words echoed in his mind and haunted him. My duty is to protect her until it’s time to deliver her soul to the other side. You have a few more months with your daughter.

His time as a doctor should’ve taught him how to cope with death yet Tighnari couldn’t accept fate so easily. While Cyno hadn’t told him how Collei would die, Tighnari reasoned her eleazar could be the cause. Her condition had been improving so he was surprised to learn that she could possibly die soon. There wasn’t a cure for eleazar though. Perhaps, he could adjust her treatment and give her a few more months to see the fireworks.

He threw off his blanket and marched to the living room. He could hear the clatter of cooking from the kitchen and he followed the sound. Tighnari found Collei in front of the stove. She happily greeted him. “Good morning, Tighnari! I knocked on your door but you didn’t wake up. I thought I should start breakfast first. This morning, I felt strong enough to cook! Isn’t that good?”

Tighnari didn’t answer her immediately. His focus was on Cyno standing in the corner of the room. Their eyes met and Cyno lifted a finger to his lips. “Collei cannot see me. She’ll become suspicious if you speak with me.”

“It’s good to hear that you’re feeling better. You can start eating first, Collei. There’s someone I need to speak with in my office.” Tighnari told her before he stepped into the hallway. He was glad that Cyno understood his words and followed him outside. They walked to the end of the hall where Collei couldn’t overhear their conversation.

Cyno leaned against the wall and studied Tighnari’s unique eyes. “You can still see me and I assume you remember last night as well. It’s strange that my powers don’t work on you. That makes my job more difficult. You might not trust me but I only wish to protect Collei’s soul.”

“I believe you.” His words surprised Cyno. He kept himself hidden from humans but he understood their fear of death all too well. Most humans would reject and fight him. Tighnari reached up and slipped the jackal mask off his face. “If you wanted Collei’s soul, you would’ve taken it last night. You protected her from that snake too. I have to thank you for that.”

“It was my duty.” Cyno’s flat tone appeared indifferent but a subtle warmth grew in his chest.

“I have a proposal for you, Cyno. Let’s work together so Collei can watch the fireworks.” To negotiate with death was fool hearted but Tighnari needed to try. “I’m human so I can’t protect her from monsters like the one from last night but there are things I can do with my knowledge of medicine. We can give her time. Together.”

“Do you truly believe you can change her fate?”

“I want to try.”

Tighnari had a determination that almost made him believe that it was possible. Silence stretched between them as he waited for Cyno’s answer. With a sigh, he said: “I will continue protecting her and I won’t stop you from trying to save her. However, when her time comes and nothing has changed, I will be forced to take her soul away.”

“Thank you.” Tighnari let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. While Cyno didn’t agree to change fate for him, he was glad that there was still a chance to help Collei.

“You should return to the kitchen before Collei gets worried and sees you talking to the wall.” Cyno said and nodded towards the kitchen. He could see that Tighnari was still tense so he added: “It smells like she’s making eggs. It’s an egg-cellent way to start the day.”

“What?” Tighnari thought he misheard Cyno for a minute. It was unlikely that a Jackal of Death would tell a joke after such a solemn conversation. “Never mind, we’ll talk more later.”

[fanmoose12]

Have you ever done like a high school aged au except Levi and Hanji are penpals?

so levihan here aren't exacty penpals and it's a high school!au, but this idea has been living in my head ever since i received your ask so i hope you enjoy this fic, anon, because i dedicate it to you <333

As cliche as it sounded, but Hange never thought that her life was gonna be this way.

When she finished her journalistic degree, when she graduated from university on top of the class, everyone kept saying, "A bright future is ahead of you, Zoe. The whole world is at your fingertips..."

And Hange had believed them, Hange had expected it too. Uncovering the truth, saving people with the might of her words, making the world a better place one article at a time. Hange couldn't wait to get started and make her dream come true.

And then...

And then every serious newspaper turned her application down, not ready to give a chance for someone with a lot of skills and even more brains, but not enough experience, and then her pride got in the way, and so she didn't wish to settle for some local, small newspaper, refusing to waste her degree and years of hard work on some mediocrity.

And now, here she is - working as an advice columnist for Sina's Gossip.

Not a place Hange ever thought she'd end up at. Not a place she would have ended up at, if she had a choice. But she didn't have that choice, had taken it away herself when she refused offers from more respectable newspapers and didn't get a job at the place she had aimed for.

The magazine isn’t large, small enough for Hange not to know about it at all prior to receiving the job offer. She wouldn't have looked at that job offer twice, would have dismissed it immediately after seeing the name Sina's Gossip written on top, but as chance had it, she scrolled through the letter and saw the name at the end.

Erwin Smith.

The Erwin Smith, a local star who had disappeared from public eye some years ago. And now Hange knew where he had gone to.

He was only in his thirties, and already made a name for himself after he uncovered a conspiracy at the local pharmaceutical company. Just like Hange, perhaps even more so, he had a bright future ahead of him. But suddenly he quitted his job and founded his own magazine.

Hange would be lying if she said she wasn't at the very least a little bit intrigued at Erwin's sudden change of course.

That's why she agreed to a meeting with him. And that was her mistake.

Because Erwin turned out to be handsome, intelligent and charming to the point of ridiculousness. He smiled, spoke a few flattering words and next Monday Hange was already on her way to Sina's Gossip, where she started off as a mere copy editor.

It's been three years since that fated meeting, and Hange is still here, now promoted to an advice columnist. And, despite it not being what she dreamed of, despite working at a gossip magazine she used to despise... She likes it here.

She likes the people she works with, and she likes people she works for.

The letters people send her, asking for an advice or sharing their grievances, Hange likes them too. Enjoys reading them again and again, mulling over each word, looking at presented problem from each angle and doing her best to come up with the best advice possible.

Perhaps it's a simple wishful thinking or whispers of an ego she still hasn't lost, but Hange likes to think she helps these people. Solves their problems, guides them through trying times. Or brightens their day, at least.

She's not saving the world like she dreamt of, but she's making it a better place - or strives to, at least. Sometimes people she helped write her again, thanking for kind and wise words. Hange takes huge pride in that. The job pays well, enough for her to rent a small apartment and live comfortably, but it's these sincere words of gratitude that she treasures the most.

And what makes her hold onto her position in Sina's Gossip even more is the people that work alongside her. Erwin is a kind, if a little dorky man. And he gathered a team of similar people. They're all experts in their respective fields too, Erwin went through great lengths to get them all aboard.

When Hange just started working, the prospect of meeting new people made her more than a little bit nervous. As much as she liked other people and enjoyed getting to know them, getting along, truly belonging somewhere was always a problem for her. Too loud and too weird, she was usually an outcast.

But not at Sina's Gossips.

There, almost right from the beginning, ever since she walked through the glass sliding doors and met a tall man who started sniffing her, she knew she would feel right at home.

In the end, she wasn't wrong. The employees of Sina's Gossips became colleagues, then friends and then family.

She loves them all, even the grumpy midget who opens the door to her office without knocking, his face showing no ounce of friendliness or joy.

But— he's holding a cup of coffee in his hands, and even if Hange were truly annoyed, she'd forgive him just for that.

"Four-eyes," he says, a greeting and complaint at the same time. Hange lets it slide too. Levi hands her the paper cup with coffee, and it's still hot, almost burning her fingers. Lifting the cup to her lips proves that the coffee is black with three sugars, just as Hange always takes it. For that, she's ready forgive Levi any possible sin. "Are you neglecting your work once again?"

"No," that is an offence worth pouting, and Hange does exactly that. She wasn't neglecting anything, how could he even think about it. She's just been staring in the distance for... Hange glances at the clock on her computer screen... For almost ten minutes now.

Alright, maybe, Levi wasn’t completely wrong about that one. Not that Hange will ever admit it to him.

“Did you check the letters I send to you then?”

Hange blinks, a little startled. Letters? It’s the letters day already?

Another quick glance to her computer screen tells her that yes, it’s Tuesday and the letters day already.

Levi takes a seat at the other side of her desk with an irritated grumble. “I sent them to you last night, you ass.”

Hange snickers at the profanity. For an editor, Levi possesses a surprisingly foul mouth.

“I’m checking them now,” she bites her lip, opening the mail. Right beneath advertisements and notifications from her social media, there is a letter from Levi, just as he said there would be. Hange opens it, downloading the archive. As soon as she clicks on it, her eyes light up in anticipation. She starts scrolling down, swiftly going over each letter.

A father who doesn’t know what to give his estranged son for his tenth birthday…

A woman who is worried that her sister is dating a gangster…

A strange man who lost his pet lobster…

A teenage girl who isn’t sure what she wants more – to move to another city to the university of her dreams or stay at her hometown with her best friend and boyfriend…

Hange greedily drinks in every word, hurrying to get to the bottom. What if there is a letter from him…

Levi interrupts her by kicking her leg under the desk.

“I’m glad you finally decided to pay attention to your work,” he pauses, his scowl deepening. In her head, Hange finishes his sentence for him – but now, I want you to pay attention to me. God, Levi is just the cutest. So endearing and precious, and he tries to hide it so hard. Nothing gets past Hange, though. “But I didn’t come here to stare at your deranged smile.”

Obediently, Hange shifts her gaze from a screen to Levi, staring at him with a hand beneath her chin. “Why did come here then?”

“You have a meeting this Friday, remember?”

A meeting, meeting… It takes Hange a long moment to catch up with what Levi is talking about.

“A meeting!” she yells, when it dawns on her at last. She snaps her fingers, grinning at Levi. “Of course, a meeting, with that guy from, mm…” she frowns, tapping her forehead. “From Monkey Island?”

“Money Island,” Levi corrects, but he does so with a hoarse chuckle, and Hange mentally pats herself on a back.

After all, who doesn’t enjoy making their attractive co-workers laugh? Especially if they’re just as broody as Levi?

“Do you remember his name at least?”

“Zeke Yeager, right?”

“Right,” Levi nods, and it could be Hange’s imagination, but his face becomes just a little darker, and his voice just a little gruffer.

Hange’s senses start tingling…

“Do you know each other?”

And, yep, there it is – Levi purses his lips, turning his head to the side to mutter a quiet curse. “We’ve graduated from the same university.”

In what world that is a reason enough for such apparent dislike? Hange longs to know more, find out every possible detail.

Levi sees that desire reflect on her face, and sighs. “He’s an asshole,” he reveals. “Who loves his asshole little brother.”

It doesn’t explain much anyway, but Hange feels like it’s the best she can get out of Levi. She decides to surrender and quell her curiosity, just this once.

“This is the only reason why you came? To remind me about the meeting? I have an assistant for that, Levi.”

Lifting his thin eyebrow, Levi gives her a long look. Hange struggles not to fidget under it. What has gotten into him?

“You really don’t remember,” Levi shakes his head, his disappointment more than transparent. “Four-eyes, Berner is on a sick leave. Had been for three days already.”

Oh, right… that’s why no one answered when she yelled a greeting upon entering the office. That’s why she forgot about the letters day. And that’s why she was staring in the distance for almost ten minutes.

She awkwardly giggles, rubbing her neck. “It just slipped my mind.”

“Lots of things do,” Levi rolls his eyes. “Don’t forget about meeting with Yeager, though. He’s an asshole but—”

“But an important man,” Hange finishes for him. She knows that, can hardly forget about that, since Erwin is so adamant at reminding her every time they cross paths at the office. “I know, I know, that interview is important just as that Zeke is. It can make our magazine more popular and blah, blah, blah.”

“Not only our magazine,” Levi sharply retorts. “It’s a chance for you too, Hange. Don’t ruin it.”

There is an uncharacteristic intensity in his voice, one that turns Hange speechless.

It’s a surprise that Levi knows about her ambitions at all, of course, she told him same as she told practically every person she came across. One day, I’ll show you, I’ll show you all just how great I can be. But it’s a surprise Levi not only knows, but remembers about it. It’s a surprise that he seems to care whether she truly achieves her dreams or not.

“Do you wish to come with me?”

It tumbles out of her lips without a second thought. But just as her mouth starts moving, Hange realizes that she truly wants it, wants to have Levi there with her. As a moral support, if nothing more.

Levi doesn’t answer her right away. His eyes narrow, as he mulls it over with his hand on his chin.

“Zeke doesn’t like me,” he mutters. “I will only make it worse.”

“Or you will make it better,” Hange winks, pressing her elbows into the desk to lean closer to Levi. Now that she knows what she wants, she doesn’t hesitate to apply a bit of pressure. “Maybe, he secretly likes you.”

Levi scoffs, crossing hands on his chest. “I doubt it.”

Despite his curt answer, Hange knows that she is close. Levi is almost ready to break. To ensure that, she decides to play a little dirty. “Levi,” she tilts her head and pinches her eyebrows, sticking her bottom lip out. Her puppy eyes aren’t that impressive, not nearly as good as Nanaba’s, but, for some reason, they seem to always work on Levi. “Pretty, pretty please, will you go with me?”

Levi curses, and that’s how Hange knows that she won. “If I end up destroying your whole career, four-eyes,” he points a finger at her. “That’d be your fault.”

“If you ruin my career, that means I’ll stay here with you forever. Won’t that be splendid?”

He doesn’t say anything, but his face seems pensive, thoughtful. Something in Hange’s heart pangs at that.

“Are you going to Nanaba’s place this Sunday?” she asks to change the topic. And distract herself from the strange feeling Levi’s expression provoked.

“No,” Levi answers. Hange grins.

Levi always says no, always tells them that he won’t let them pull him into their shitty shenanigans again, always swears that this is the last time he dragged their drunk asses home.

And yet, he shows up time and time again. He complains, calls them idiots, drunken fools and disgraces to society, but he still shows up. If that’s not a sign of true friendship, Hange doesn’t know what true friendship is.

“Can’t wait to hang out with your broody mien, shorty!” she exclaims, laughing when Levi flips her off. “Don’t forget your gloomy attitude!”

“And don’t you forget about letters I sent to you,” Levi stands up, throwing his paper cup in a trash bin next to Hange’s desk. “You have two days to answer them all.”

“I know, I know,” Hange waves him off. “I don’t need you or Moblit to tell me how to do my job.”

Levi raises an eyebrow at that, looking overly skeptical. “Two days,” he dryly reminds her before leaving her small office.

For a moment more, Hange continues staring after him with a fond smile on her lips.

Back to work, Zoe, she shakes herself and returns her attention to the computer screen. Her mail is still opened there, and Hange scrolls down to the end, searching for a username she hopes will pop out.

Almost near the end, it does, and Hange can’t keep in a quiet squeal of delight.

wings_of_freedom@gmail.com

The username is a bit ridiculous, pompous even, so Hange opts for a shorter and, in her opinion, more accurate one – lover boy.

Every two weeks without a fail, that same user sends Hange a letter, asking for an advice. They all wary in everything, but the subject – a person the lover boy has a crush on.

What do I do to become closer to her, what is the best way to make her smile…

Each and every letter, without a fail, brightens Hange’s day, no matter how shitty it was. The care, affection and love that radiate from these letters melt her heart and strengthen her belief that the world is truly a wonderful place if kind-hearted people like him still live here.

Apparently, romance isn’t quite dead yet.

Gripping the edge of her chair to at least try and conceal her excitement, Hange eagerly opens the letter and starts reading.

Thank you for your last advice, as always, it helped.

We’re growing closer, at least, it feels like we do. However, there is another problem that I hope you can help me with.

Admittedly, I’m not very good with my words. I never know what to say to tell the others how I feel, and sometimes I can come as rough and rather rude. It’s a fault of mine I had ever since childhood, and, truth be told, it never bothered me much.

But with her… it’s a bit different.

She can take a joke, and I know she doesn’t really mind my manner of communicating, but, still, I wish I could show her just how much she truly means to me. Sometimes it seems like she doesn’t quite realize it. Doesn’t really understand just how amazing and wonderful she is.

I know that the subject is not exactly ordinary, but your advices helped in the past, and I believe it will help this time too. Even if it wouldn’t, it’d be interesting to read your opinion on that.

Thank you in advance.

After finishing the letter, Hange starts rereading it, rubbing her forehead in thought. The lover boy is right, the subject isn’t easy at all. The lack of details and context complicates things even further.

A lot of people struggle at communicating what they feel, and it’s especially true about romantic feelings. But different people struggle in different ways.

Someone like Moblit, for example, is open enough with his affection, but he’d stutter to death sooner than confess to someone.

Someone like Erwin can charm pretty much anyone. His carefully crafted words and easy, handsome smile do all the job for him, but his words are crafted just a little too carefully and his smiles come a little too easily, and, as a result, he only rarely comes off as truly sincere.

And then there is Levi, whose walls are higher than skyscrapers and mightier than a fortress. But once you get past them, once you invest enough time and effort to break them down, you’ll find a gentle, caring man, who just isn’t used to showing his true feelings.

Hange can only guess what type the lover boy is.

Sighing, she decides to leave his letter for now and deal with it after she finishes with the rest. Somehow she feels that finding a lost lobster would be much easier than dealing with that particular dilemma.

***

A couple of busy days, filled with Erwin's warnings - Hange, remember the reputation of our agency rests on your shoulders, Nanaba's cheerful encouragements - you can do it, Hange! you'll charm the guy in no time, I know you will, Mike's horrible jokes - if you can't charm him, just ask Levi to punch him, that might do the trick too, and Moblit's frantic remindings, spoken over the phone in a throaty voice, later Hange and Levi arrive to the café Zeke had chosen for their meeting.

“It looks fancy,” Hange whispers to Levi, eyeing the entrance with a slight pout. “I didn’t know it’d be so fancy.”

“That’s Zeke for you,” Levi grunts. “Fancy asshole.”

“R-right,” suddenly every single precaution Erwin had told her come back, more frightening than ever. “Let’s just get this over with.”

The inside of the café seems even fancier, and Hange spares a longing look at her attire – an over-sized yellow pullover thrown over a light green plaid shirt with a brown khakis and worn-out converses. It’s not something one would call professional or stylish, not that she owns anything much better… but now Hange wishes she at least combed her hair.

She doesn’t know what Zeke looks like, hasn’t bothered with looking him up, since Levi is accompanying her, but she easily spots him even without Levi’s help.

Just as the café’s entrance, just as its interior, Zeke looks fancy. He’s not overdressed, in his dark green shirt and light cardigan he is all but casual, but damn, he is one of the leading journalists at the magazine called Money Island, and it clearly shows.

Levi wasn’t wrong about the fancy part, but he also failed to mention that Zeke is handsome. Extremely so. Blond and bearded, he is not exactly Hange’s type, but, well… there are exceptions to every rule.

Not just attractive, but, apparently, Zeke is a gentleman too.

He rises from his seat as soon, as he sees Hange, a blinding in its brilliance smile curving his thin lips.

“Hange Zoe,” he greets and eagerly shakes her hand. “I’m so happy you’ve come.”

The smile doesn’t leave his face, doesn’t even diminish, but his eyes narrow ever so slightly, when they land on Hange’s companion.

“I didn’t know you’d bring a friend.”

His voice is friendly, if only a little surprised, but his eyes are colder than they’d been before.

“It’s our editor,” Hange pats Levi’s back. “Levi—”

“We’ve met before,” Zeke’s still showing that same smile, but there is just enough frost in his voice to tell Hange that there is no secret affection between him and Levi.

“I’m glad Hange invited me to trail along. It’s nice to see you again, Zeke.”

Levi doesn’t bother hiding his sarcasm or schooling his expression in something more amicable. Hange rolls her eyes and kicks him as soon as Zeke turns around.

Will it kill you if you try to act a little friendlier? her gaze asks him.

I warned you about this, Levi’s huff answers.

Oh, well. At least, he didn’t call her four-eyes in front of Zeke. Clearly, that’s an improvement.

Hange sighs and sends a quick prayer that this meeting won’t turn into a complete disaster. She sits down in a booth across from Zeke and hopes that her smile will be enough to counter any possible tensions.

“The strawberry cupcakes are exceptionally good here,” Zeke notes, when a waitress bring them menus.

Without looking up from a menu, Hange nods. The prices in this café are much higher than she is comfortable with. She’d never bring her friends here, but, well… Zeke isn’t a friend, so Hange swallows down her discontent and orders herself a coffee with a strawberry cupcake.

She doesn’t even like strawberry cupcakes.

“Let’s start, shall we?” Zeke says after three of them receive their orders.

Hange takes a sip from her coffee – it’s honestly not that good to be so pricey – and tries to look composed and professional.

Truth be told, she doesn’t know why she is here. An interview, Erwin told her, but why would anyone want to interview her? She’s not a celebrity – not an actor or an artist, she’s a journalist, who works for a small, local magazine.

Why would a person like Zeke and a magazine like Money Island be interested in someone like her?

“I’ve prepared a small list of questions…” Zeke takes out his tablet, turning it on. “Are you ready to begin?”

“Yes,” Hange says, smiling when she feels Levi’s calf press to hers in a silent encouragement.

“So tell me more about yourself – your hobbies, talents outside of work…”

It starts easy like that, and Hange loses herself in her ramblings so much that she doesn’t notice that Zeke isn’t taking any notes.

But after a few trivial questions – what do you like about journalism, what made you choose this career path, what are subjects you’re most passionate about – everything gets just a little bit stranger.

“What are your greatest strengths?” Zeke asks, then follows it with, “What are your greatest weaknesses?”

Where do you see yourself in five years? What’s your dream job? Do you consider yourself successful?

One question after another tumbles out of his lips, and soon Hange realizes.

It’s not a simple interview, it’s a job interview.

A confused look Levi sends her confirms her suspicion.

“Mister Yeager?” Hange calls after a question about how she prefers to be managed.

“Call me Zeke,” he retorts charmingly.

“Zeke,” she forces a smile and hopes it doesn’t look too fake. “I don’t wish to appear rude… but what is the meaning of this? I thought you wanted an interview for your magazine?”

“It’s more for me than Money Island,” Zeke confesses. “I wish to get to know you better.”

Beside her, Levi tenses. Amongst the noise and clutter of the café, Hange can almost hear the sound of his teeth gritting. She doesn’t spare a glance in his direction, too busy gawking at Zeke.

“May I ask…” she clears her throat, feeling too far away from her comfort zone. “…Why?”

“Sina’s Gossips is a fairly small magazine,” Zeke begins, his voice as sugary as a strawberry cupcake before Hange. “But it became ten times more popular after you started working there. Clearly, you have a lot of potential, and something tells me that advice columnist is not your dream position. So I thought you’d be interested in my offer.”

“Your offer?”

“To change your workplace.”

“But I have no experience in the finance area.”

“I’m willing to give you a chance,” Zeke says graciously. “You’ll have to be approved my by superiors first, of course, and then you’ll need to undergo a bit of training...”

Hange can’t help but frown. “I can’t just abandon my previous position like that.”

“I’m not asking you to. Not now, at least.”

“So what exactly it is that you want?”

It’s Levi who asks, and his low, almost menacing voice startles Hange. She turns to look at him, but his face is as guarded and neutral as it always is.

Zeke raises an eyebrow, his expression curious as he studies Levi. But when he shifts his attention back to Hange, the same handsome smile is already plastered on his lips. “I want to offer a collaboration project. We can use your platform to let people ask things, not about their everyday struggles, but to ask you for an advice about their finance related problems. Our magazine can advertise it, and this will help to expand both yours and ours audience. And…” Zeke pauses, lowering his voice just a fraction. “It will give us a chance to see if you’re up to the job at Money Island or not.”

“I…” it’s a lot to take in, and, naturally, Hange struggles to find her own words. That’s why she’s so grateful when Levi decides to step in.

“We have to discuss with our boss first. Then we can give you a definite answer.”

There is an edge to Zeke’s smile that tells Hange exactly what he thinks about Levi’s interruption. However, it disappears instantly, in a blink of an eye. With his features much more relaxed, Zeke waves a waitress over and asks to bring them a bill.

“I’ll be waiting for your answer,” he says as he stands up. “I enjoyed our time together, Hange Zoe. And I know our companionship will bring me just as much pleasure. I hope we’ll keep in touch.”

He leaves after that, but Hange isn’t yet ready to go. She pushes the cupcake around the plate, mulling it over.

“What do you think?” she asks Levi after five minutes of silence.

“What do you think?” he shoots back, and Hange scoffs, kicking him under the table.

“I asked you first.”

Levi doesn’t answer immediately. He stares at her for a long moment, and there is something in his eyes, something Hange can’t quite understand the meaning of. She wants to know, though, almost asks him, but then Levi breaks the eye contact and slumps back in his chair.

“You’ve always wanted to do something more, right? It’s your chance, Hange.”

“And…” she swallows a heavy lump in her throat and briefly wonders where it had come from. Levi is right, that what she always wanted. Then why she is so hesitant to even entertain the idea? “Do you think I should take it?”

“It’s your chance,” Levi repeats.

He stands up and wraps his hand around her elbow to push Hange up too. His touch is too careful, almost gentle, and the confusion inside her continues to grow.

“Let’s go back to work,” he says, and adds in a voice so quiet, Hange almost misses it. “You did well, Hange.”

***

Hange goes to find Erwin as soon as they return to the office. She doesn’t tell him about the second part of Zeke’s offer, about the possibility that she’ll soon leave Sina’s Gossips and all of its employees, and focuses only on their future collaboration. Erwin listens to her frantic retelling with a calm, attentive face. He agrees to Zeke’s offer without much thought.

“That is,” he hastily adds, “if you wish to proceed with it, Hange. I don’t wish to force you, so if it’s not something you’re interested in...”

“No, no,” she shakes her head and hopes that the smile she forces on doesn’t look pained. “I’ll be happy to work on this project.”

Is she truly happy, though? Hange isn’t sure anymore.

***

She spends the whole evening and most hours of night thinking about it.

She goes to the Money Island’s website and reads most of their recent articles. She googles the most prominent employees and reads about them too, every bit of information she can get her hands on.

When the sun is starting to peek out from the horizon, Hange looks up Zeke. She finds out he has his own youtube channel, where he talks – no surprise here – about finance.

Being rich is easy

God, even the name of the channel reeks of arrogance.

But Hange has to admit – Zeke is good at what he’s doing. His pretentious manner of speaking and his apparent habit of scratching his ear is a little irritating, but he talks with confidence and ease that shows just how much knowledge and experience he has.

His videos are engrossing and his articles are, without a doubt, extremely well-written.

Hange likes Zeke, finds him interesting enough, but what he talks and writes about… she can’t help but think that it’s a bit too dull for her taste.

And it’s ironic, it’s foolish, she should be on a cloud nine from the opportunity presented to her. Hange feels like she would have been on a cloud nine… Three years ago.

But now she has a job she loves and people she loves working with. Should she really leave it behind just like that? Can she?

Then again, can she leave behind a dream she nurtured for as long as she could remember? Can she forget about every ambition and desire?

She doesn’t find an answer to that in the evening, it doesn’t come to her during the night.

And Hange can only hope that she’ll be able to answer it when the time comes.

***

But, instead, Saturday comes, and Hange forces these thought out of her head.

She wants to forget about her doubts, and with Nanaba’s fingers in her hair, a bottle of cold beer in her hands and Mike’s deep voice in her ears, forgetting about everything else is surprisingly easy.

They’re at Nanaba’s summer house, gathered around a brightly-lit brazier. Hange is warm, relaxed and content. Mike’s story about some fisherman from his hometown is a little boring, but Nanaba remedies that fault by whispering sarcastic comments to Hange.

When Mike’s thrilling tale is finally over, Erwin clears his throat, attracting everyone’s attention.

“In case some of you didn’t know, Hange had a very peculiar meeting yesterday…”

“Right,” Nanaba’s grin is too wide and gleeful for Hange’s taste, and when Nanaba fixes her eyes on her, Hange involuntarily squirms. “Very peculiar indeed.”

Knowing but not liking where this is going, Hange leaves the warmth of Nanaba’s lap and moves away. This action brings her to Levi’s side, and he tenses, but doesn’t protest which Hange takes as a sign that she can become a little bolder and lean on his shoulder.

Perhaps, he’ll shield her from Nanaba’s curiosity. Although, Hange has to admit that it’s highly unlikely. No one can stop Nanaba if she gets curious about something. Hange always admired that about her. Not now, though.

“So tell us, Hange,” Nanaba slowly begins, her eyes glinting in the light of the fire. Hange takes a quick survey, and confirms that, yep, everyone is looking at her. Apparently, Nanaba is not the only who is curious. “Did you have a good time?”

“Well, Zeke’s offer looks promising, and that project certainly is intriguing…”

“God, leave that boring stuff to Erwin,” Nanaba rolls her eyes.

Mike agrees with her by adding, “Not everyone here is as nerdy as you two.”

“Exactly,” Nanaba nods. “We want to know more about Zeke. Is he handsome?”

Perhaps, it’s the beer or the warm atmosphere or the fact that everyone – including Levi – is looking expectantly at her, but Hange chuckles and says, “Very much so. Not in the way our fearless leader is,” she salutes Erwin with a bottle, enjoying the slight blush that appears on his cheeks. “But he’s still attractive.”

There is pure wickedness in Nanaba’s gaze, when she leans a little closer to Hange and asks, “Is he as handsome as Levi?”

Hange chokes on her beer. Her eyes water as she coughs it out, her throat is sore, but with the help of Levi’s gentle pats, Hange manages to get her breathing back under control.

She glares at Nanaba as soon as she straightens out, but then remembers the stupid question and feels color rise to her face. She can blame it on a coughing fit. Probably. Hopefully.

“It depends on one’s preferences…” she mumbles, hating how weak her voice sounds.

Nanaba is merciless, though. “What’s your opinion then?”

It takes Hange more than a moment to gather enough courage to sneak a glance at Levi. Their eyes meet, but for no more than a heartbeat. Levi looks away instantly, his hands clenching into fists.

Hange decides to be honest then. Her gaze still fixed to Levi, she murmurs, “No, Zeke is nearly not as handsome as Levi.”

Nanaba coos, Mike guffaws and Erwin simply smiles, like that is exactly the kind of answer he expected.

Levi doesn’t react at all, but Hange is still pressed against him and so she feels – he relaxes considerably.

Hange relaxes too, and moving closer to his ear, she whispers, “Hey, help me get revenge on Nanaba.”

The look in Levi’s eyes is positively evil, wicked enough to send a shiver down a spine. Hange feels that shiver acutely, but… not because it scares her. Truthfully, it has a diametrically opposite effect on her.

“With great pleasure, four-eyes.”

“Oi, Nanaba!” Hange calls. She doesn’t know what to say next, finds it hard to concentrate with Levi so close to her, but she trusts he’ll back her up.

As always, he doesn’t disappoint.

“Is that your lipstick on Mike’s neck?”

There is no lipstick on his neck, Nanaba isn’t even wearing one, but they both panic and they both exchange quick glances. It’s enough of an evidence to make everyone laugh.

Mike is smiling, as he pulls Nanaba closer, tucking her under his arm. “We really suck at being discreet, aren’t we, Nana?”

“That we are,” she agrees with a smile as gentle and loving as Mike’s. “I guess there is something we want to tell you then.”

“About damn time,” Erwin shakes his head. “Do you know how many times I’ve caught you making out in the supply closet? I was getting tired of keeping quiet about it.”

“You didn’t keep quiet about it,” Levi grumbles. “Every time you caught them you ran to tell me.”

“And then me,” Hang gleefully adds.

Nanaba and Mike groan in unison, their faces red as tomato.

“We have the worst friends ever.”

Hange laughs. She very much begs to differ.

***

Beers and constant laughter very soon make all of them sleepy. That’s how Hange finds herself sandwiched between Erwin and Mike on a bed in the guest room, and though there is enough space for another person to fit in, Nanaba claims the master bedroom, and Levi takes one look at them and retires to the living room, sprawling over the couch.

In Erwin and Mike’s arms Hange feels safe and content. Her previous doubts take a seat back and let her enjoy the night with her friends. Thankfully, sleep comes to her that much easier than it did last night.

It doesn’t last for long, though.

The sun still isn’t up, but the world isn’t dark anymore, when Hange wakes up from her slumber.

Erwin is snoring into her ear, but there is a vacant place to her left, where Mike used to sleep. It’s not hard to guess where he had disappeared to, and Hange allows herself a small smile at the expanse of her friends’ happiness.

She doesn’t feel like sleeping anymore, so she throws one blanket over Erwin and snatches another one, wrapping it around her shoulders. With her feet bare and still dressed in a pajama shorts and Mike’s t-shirt that almost reaches her knees, she leaves the room and goes downstairs, walking outside. She takes a seat at a porch swing and draws a slow, deep breath, taking in the beauty around her.

The world is only starting to wake up, and grey color is more prominent than anything else, but there are just enough soft shades of purple, blue and pink to make up for it. Nanaba’s house sits just at the edge of a clearing that leads to a small lake, and the morning brings thick streak of fog that spreads over crystal surface.

It’s beautiful enough to take her breath away, and Hange loses herself in the calm, gentle feeling that finds its way inside her.

That feeling is strong enough to hide the sound of soft footsteps that approach her. Hange notices someone else’s presence only when the swing starts moving. She startles, her head darting to the side, but relaxes instantly, when she sees Levi’s sharp profile. He’s holding two cups of steaming tea in his hands, and hands one cup to Hange.

“Thank you,” she smiles, inhaling the sweet aroma of tea. It tastes just as sweet as it smells, she realizes after taking the first sip. Then, she turns her attention back to Levi. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“No, I usually wake up at this time. Insomnia,” he says, and, right, now Hange remembers something-something about Levi sleeping not nearly enough for a normal human being. “Heard that you woke up and decided you might want a company.”

“How did you know that it was me who woke up?”

Levi gives her a short glance before shrugging and returning his gaze back to the scenery in front of them. “Your steps are different,” he answers, like it explains everything.

It does explain everything for Levi, Hange muses. He works in a strange, obscure way, so very different from other people. That’s why Hange likes him. That’s why she feels so comfortable with him.

Perhaps, it’s a fault of a dim, morning light or, perhaps, it’s her own sleepiness that changes her perception, but Levi looks a little different, softer around the edges. Because of it, Hange allows herself a small indulgence and moves close enough for their shoulders to touch.

Just a fraction, barely an inch, but she feels Levi move closer as well.

All of it – the colors merging on a horizon, the fog that makes everything look almost ethereal, the sweet tea made by Levi, Levi himself – fuse together to create an impossibly light, gentle feeling that very rarely visits Hange.

In that moment she feels happy, so happy that not even a brief thought of what’s going to happen if I leave is enough to ruin that mood. She simply drowns that pesky doubt down with tea and turns to look at Levi.

“I’m so lucky to have met you all,” she reveals to him in a quiet voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy before.”

Levi stares at her, and there is something in his eyes, something fierce and at the same time vulnerable that Hange can’t quite understand. She isn’t sure she wants to, not now, at least.

“Let’s stay like this,” she says, almost a plea. “At least, for a little while.”

“As you wish,” Levi agrees easily as though… as though whatever is it that she wants, he’ll get her.

The thought is both comforting and terrifying. Comforting, because it means he cares about her, because it means she’s not alone anymore.

And terrifying, because it makes her happy, and Hange isn’t sure she’d be able to part with that happiness, when the time comes.

***

No matter how much Hange wants to prolong that fuzzy feeling and stay in that small bubble with her friends, all too soon the weekend ends. Monday comes and with it arrives a new wave of responsibilities.

But not only responsibilities return – Moblit does too, and as soon as she sees him, Hange hugs him close to her chest, laughing when he starts complaining that she squeezes him too much.

“It’s been too quiet without your nagging!” Hange pats him on a back, smiling from ear to ear. “And you’ve missed one hell of a party! We’ve been sleeping so peacefully without your snores.”

“You like my snores,” Moblit argues, and he is right to do so. Moblit’s throaty snores lull her to sleep better than any lullaby. Besides, cuddling with him is always a delight, his tummy softer than any pillow. “And I’ve heard about that party already,” he continues with an almost sly look. “Nanaba told they found you and Levi getting cozy on a porch.”

Hange huffs, turning away from his knowing look. “I see Nanaba’s obsession with gossips is infectious.”

“It’s Sina’s Gossips we’re working at. Love for gossip is the requirement to get a position here,” Moblit jokes, and Hange shakes her head with a low chuckle.

Moblit’s been absent for just a week, but it was enough to make her miss him like crazy. She’s glad he is back. And more than anything, she wants to chat some more, but the work doesn’t wait.

She contacts Zeke as she drinks her first cup of coffee, and not even five minutes pass before he schedules another meeting with her.

There is no need for your editor to join us this time :)

Hange isn’t sure what irritates her more – Zeke’s apparent dislike of Levi or the stupid emoji.

However, Erwin’s words ring in her ear, yet another reminder that this is important, Hange, we can’t afford to blow this off, especially not with a man like Zeke on board. So she replies him with a stupid emoji of her own, and, gritting her teeth, adds that she is looking forward to their meeting.

Then, not wanting to repeat her last mistake, Hange checks the place Zeke has invited her to. This time it’s a restaurant, and a flashy one at that. The time he sets the meeting for – seven pm – is another hint that it is not a casual meeting, and therefore she needs to wear something better than her usual clothes.

She isn’t sure she can pull it off all by herself, though, and she isn’t sure there is at least one item of clothing in her closet that can be classified as fancy, so Hange asks Nanaba to help.

Nanaba agrees instantly, her eyes brightening up at the prospect. She promises to come over at the evening of the meeting with Zeke, bring some new clothes for Hange and pick up something classy.

At five pm sharp, just two hours before her meeting, Nanaba shows at Hange’s place, holding two large packages.

She doesn’t come alone, and with wide eyes Hange watches how Mike, Moblit and Levi trail inside her apartment after Nanaba.

“Erwin couldn’t make it, because he’s old and boring,” Nanaba cheerfully informs her. “But he asked to send him pictures of every look I’d pick for you.”

“Has anyone told you how wicked and vile you are?” Hange asks her with a glare that could almost rival Levi’s.

“Mike makes sure to tell me this regularly,” Nanaba flippantly replies. “Now go and get changed! We don’t have all evening.”

It takes five changes of clothes to finally find something that satisfies Nanaba’s fashion sense and doesn’t make Hange feel like she’s out of her element.

She is dressed in a dark brown suit with a black shirt underneath, and after Nanaba makes a controlled mess out of her hair, Hange has to agree – she looks very good.

“Let’s show you to the boys,” Nanaba whispers before taking a quick photo for Erwin. She pushes Hange into the living room, where Mike, Moblit and Levi are already waiting for her, all of them nursing a bottle of beer. “We’ve got yes from Erwin!” Nanaba cheerfully announces after checking her phone.

“That’s a definite yes from me too,” Mike nods in agreement.

“You look so handsome,” Moblit says earnestly, despite his shy smile.

Levi doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t tear his eyes away from Hange either. As she waits for his verdict, Hange wonders if the desire to change her look, because Levi obviously doesn’t like it, is simply stupid or downright pathetic.

“Levi,” Nanaba glowers at him, when the silence stretches for far too long.

Hange wants to deflate the tension with some joke, but then Levi clears his throat. “Not bad, four-eyes,” he says, making her heart stumble. “Go get that stupid monkey.”

Hange wants to hug him, so, so much, but she’s afraid to ruin the suit, so she settles on thanking him with a bright, happy smile.

Levi’s expression softens like that is all the thanks he desires.

“Continue making heart eyes at Levi, and you’ll miss your little meeting, Hans,” Nanaba whispers.

Hange hopes the red on her cheeks will be interpreted as anger, but Nanaba is right – she has to hurry, all this effort would be in vain if she arrives even a little too late.

“C’mon,” Mike wraps an arm around her shoulders. “We’ll give you a lift.”

Hange smiles, feeling so grateful – to all of them. She wouldn’t be ready for this evening if it wasn’t for Nanaba, she probably wouldn’t get that deal with Zeke if it wasn’t for Levi, her column wouldn’t be so successful if it wasn’t for Moblit’s assistance and Mike’s constant help, she wouldn’t have this job, this family if it wasn’t for Erwin who decided to hire her.

They all wish her luck one last time at the entrance of the restaurant. Nanaba and Moblit fruitlessly try to peek inside and get a glimpse of Zeke, when Levi wraps his hand around her wrist, dragging Hange aside.

“It’s Tuesday,” he says matter-of-factly.

More than a little confused, Hange blinks, then nods in affirmative, she knows it’s Tuesday, she’s not that disorganized.

“It’s Tuesday,” he repeats, tilting his head just so.

It is only then, to Hange’s shame, that she finally understands what he means.

“The letters, right?” she grins, proud of her own quick-wittedness. It took her only a moment to guess.

“I sent them over already. If you won’t be too exhausted after the meeting…”

“I’ll check them out as soon as I get home,” she promises.

There is nothing else to say, nothing else to do but walk away from Levi and inside the restaurant, where Zeke is probably waiting for her. Still… Hange is reluctant to leave. There is something between her and Levi, something almost tangible, and it keeps her glued to his side.

This feeling, it grows bigger, harder to ignore, until—

Until it disappears, when Nanaba tugs at her hand. Hange allows her friend to pull her away from Levi, stopping just for a second to turn around and wave him goodbye. Levi’s face is set in the usual scowl, but his gaze softens, and it fuels Hange with determination and resolve.

She looks around and, encouraged by her friends’ unwavering support, steps inside the restaurant.

***

Just as Hange predicted, Zeke is already there. When he notices her approach, he stands up and with a dazzling smile and pulls a chair for her.

“Hange Zoe,” he all but purrs. “You’re absolutely ravishing tonight.”

His words are too sweet, Zeke himself is too sweet to seem genuine, but Hange gives him a smile nevertheless. His compliment doesn’t succeed in making her heart race like Levi’s quiet ‘not bad, four-eyes’ did, but it still pleases her.

She doesn’t believe he truly means it, knows that Zeke uses flirting to get something out of her, but, oh well… if a man like Zeke Yeager wants something from her… isn’t it already fluttering?

“I took a liberty to order for you myself, if you don’t mind,” Zeke says.

Hange does mind, not that she can express it now, after Zeke already ordered. That’s exactly what he was counting for, Hange can very well see it – in the slight curve of his mouth and an amused shine in his eyes.

“As long as the meal is delicious,” she murmurs slyly.

Zeke laughs, and Hange mentally congratulates herself. Erwin would be so proud.

Speaking of Erwin…

“My boss agreed to your offer, he’s very interested in it and hopes…”

“Hange,” Zeke cuts her off with a wave of his hand. “We have work email to discuss things like that. Delicious food, beautiful night… why don’t we simply enjoy it? We can talk about work later.”

Hange frowns, looking at the man before her intently. For the life of her, she can’t comprehend what does he want from her.

“You’re a journalist with bright future ahead of you,” Zeke says, like he knows what exactly Hange is thinking about. “I want to help you succeed, but, aside from that, you’re an intriguing person. I simply wish to get to know you better. Is it so bad?”

Either she really sucks at reading people, or Zeke is that good of an actor, but… he seems genuine enough. Hange struggles with keeping her suspicion.

Before she can give him an answer, their food is brought in. The plate before Hange looks more expensive than she could probably afford, and she is pretty sure she won’t be able to even pronounce the name of a dish, but she takes a first bite, and… can barely resist a moan.

It’s good, really good – spicy but not bitter, and just crunchy and juicy enough.

“Is it delicious?” Zeke quirks an eyebrow, smug and amused.

The dish is so tasty, Hange can’t find it in herself to snap at him. “It’s perfect,” she confesses, sending another slice into her mouth.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it, to be honest, I was quite nervous about your reaction.”

Zeke doesn’t look nervous in the slightest, but if he’s so dead-set on playing a gentleman tonight, Hange can indulge him.

“So what exactly do you want to know about me?” she asks, pouring wine in both of their glasses.

“Ah, right,” Zeke pushes the glasses up his nose. “The first thing I’m interested in…”

***

They spend the whole dinner talking, jumping from one topic to another. Despite his arrogance, Zeke is an interesting man, he knows how to entertain and engage his companion, and so very soon Hange loses herself in conversation with him.

Time flies fast, and when they stand up from the table, Hange is shocked to discover that it’s almost ten in the evening.

Zeke remains a gentleman till the very end, and after paying their bill, he drives Hange home. He stops just outside of her apartment block, and when he turns off the engine, Hange knows she is ought to say something.

“I had fun. Thank you for the evening.” She says, and she means it. She doesn’t feel nearly as happy as when she is with her friends from Sina’s Gossips, but Zeke proved to be a good company. Hange is looking forward to working with him.

“I should be the one thanking you,” Zeke tilts his head, ever the charmer. “I’ll see you again?”

“Sure,” Hange agrees and gets out of the car. “Good night,” she yells into his open window and then hurries up the steps to her apartment.

Exhaustion sips into her bones the moment Hange crosses the threshold. She kicks off the shoes and takes off the suit, trudging up to the shower. Once she is clean and fresh, she falls onto her bed and gets under the blankets. Only then, Hange remembers her conversation with Levi.

With the last bit of her energy, she takes the phone into her hands and unlocks it, going immediately to the mail. She isn’t awake enough to read all the letters, so she just quickly scrolls through them. A thank you message from a man who found his lobster… a distraught mother who doesn’t know how to communicate with her son… a middle-aged teacher with a mid-life crisis… Hange scrolls further down, until she sees a familiar username.

She smiles and opens the letter.

Good day, and thank you again for the last advice. Admittedly, I was a bit skeptical about it, “trust that she knows you well enough” seemed just that side of too easy, but I think she does know me well enough to see through my rude exterior. What’s more, I think she knows me well enough to see things I don’t even wish to show her. I can’t yet decide if that’s a good thing, or a terrifying one.

Alas, there is another problem, one that bothers me constantly.

Without getting too much into details… there is a chance she might leave the company we both work for. I know it might not seem that awful, we can still remain friends even if we don’t work together, but… I’m afraid we’ll drift apart when she leaves. Without common ground, without our friends bringing us together, she wouldn’t have a reason to talk to me. Maybe, she wouldn’t even want to.

But that’s not the thing that bothers me the most. She hasn’t yet decided if she wants to leave or not, and, as much as I am reluctant to let her go, I… I wish she follows her dreams, even if they tear us apart. But she’s perceptive, and, as I’ve mentioned before, she knows things about me that I very well try to hide. So what if she learns about my reluctance? What if it somehow influences her final decision?

I don’t wish for that to happen, whether she stays or she leaves, I don’t want to be her reason for either.

Because if she grows to be unhappy about that decision… I don’t think I’ll be able to take.

I… don’t think I’ve explained my point clear enough, maybe, because it’s not clear enough in my mind too. However, as always, I put my trust in you.

You haven’t left me down before, after all.

Thanks for bearing with me. Hopefully, it’s not the last time.

Hange groans in frustration, as she comes to an end of the letter. Here she was hoping to receive some sweet news from her lover boy, but he presented her with another dilemma instead. And one that is so similar to hers too. Maybe, it’s a sign, a way of universe telling her… something. The message is not yet clear enough.

Perhaps, with a little time, she’ll be able to decipher it. But as for now, Hange decides, putting the phone on top of the bedside table, the only thing she really, really needs is sleep.

And, thankfully, it comes to her easily.

***

The next day Hange dives deep into work and stays in the depth of articles, lectures, textbooks and letters from readers for entire two weeks.

In almost everything, Zeke is the one to assist her. Email exchange, video calls, personal meetings… because of all that, Zeke seems to be constantly by her side.

He invites her to his company, organizes the tour around the offices, introduces her to every employee. They’re nice, Hange supposes. Overly politely and unnaturally friendly, but that’s to be expected from total strangers.

Zeke shows her his office – a big room with glass walls and large window that overlooks the city. It drives to a point just how different their newspapers are. It almost makes Hange self-conscious about inviting him to her own office. Thankfully, Levi is there to chase away any discomfort.

As soon as Zeke gets inside their office, Levi is there, glaring at him like he’s trying to burn a hole in his head.

“As Hange’s editor, I’m here to oversee your work with her,” he explains, and proceeds to critique everything Zeke does.

Zeke’s habit of scratching his ear makes him look like a monkey and his beard makes him look like a homeless person, his voice makes Levi’s head hurt, his cologne stinks, he talks too much and works too little, his jokes aren’t funny and his remarks are unnecessary. Levi finds a way to insult everything about Zeke.

Hange would have reprimanded him, she did a few times, but she can’t deny that Levi’s hatred is… kind of funny. It’s petty and childish, but at the same time hilarious to the point that Hange has to constantly bite the inside of her cheeks otherwise she’d be laughing at his jabs like a mad person.

Still, Zeke is an important business partner and her possible colleague, so…

“Please forgive Levi for his… lack of professionalism,” she tells Zeke when Levi leaves to bring them tea. Just moments before Levi had called Zeke ‘an insufferable snob who doesn’t give a single fuck about people around him’, so naturally, Hange feels that apology in an absolute necessity this time.

“Don’t worry, I’m not offended,” Zeke smiles, and it looks just that side of arrogant, reminding Hange about Levi’s words and making her feel like maybe, his assertion of Zeke isn’t entirely wrong. “His reason for acting like that is perfectly understandable. When one stands between a man and his… well,” Zeke trails off, staring at Hange enigmatically.

His what? Zeke is standing between Levi and… what? Is it the reason why they don’t like each other so much? Is it something that happened in the past? Or is it a recent development?

Hange wants to ask, but the moment for this is lost, when Levi comes back, holding a trail in his hands.

“I spat into your coffee,” he says to Zeke with the most deadpan expression. If Hange didn’t know Levi a little better, she’d believe that he actually did it. But Zeke isn’t fooled so easily, so he just wolfishly grins and thanks Levi in a sweet voice. Levi swears under his breath and then turns to Hange, murmuring, “Yours is with three sugars.”

“Just as you like it,” Zeke sing-songs, and Hange can’t stop laughter from bubbling out of her throat at the sight of pure hatred on Levi’s usually indifferent face.

“Let’s get back to work,” she says, still chuckling.

Thankfully, they both listen to her.

***

When Zeke leaves to return to his own office, Hange breathes out in relief. She stretches her arms and sprawls out her long legs beneath the desk with a pleased hum. Working with Zeke is satisfying enough, but with just Levi around, she feels much more at ease.

“So,” she nudges his foot with her leg. “What’s up with you and Zeke? What is the source of a drama?” and, remembering Zeke’s previous comment Hange adds, “Did he steal your crush or what?”

Levi looks affronted. He glares at Hange, hands crossed on his chest and a slight pout curving his lips.

Hange thinks he’s going to tell her to fuck off, almost expects him too, but this time, Levi surprises her.

“Remember my cousin? Mikasa?”

Of course, Hange does. How could she ever forget Mikasa, the only person in this world with a scowl as scary as Levi’s?

“Well, Zeke has a little brother, a brat named Eren.”

Hange nods, she vaguely remembers Levi mentioning some brother, and, more than once, Zeke had bragged to her about Eren, his darling sibling.

“He and Mikasa are friends, and my idiot cousin has been pining after him for years.”

Hange has some troubles imagining a pining Ackerman, and she briefly wonders what Levi would act like, if he had been pining after someone. Can he even pine?

“Eren had been an asshole to her, even made her cry once, so...”

“So?” Hange prompts, practically at the edge of her seat.

“So I decided to teach him a lesson. I wanted to scare him a bit, but it kinda backfired when Zeke spotted the two of us. I wasn’t going to punch him or anything, but apparently that’s how it looked.”

“And?”

Levi sighs. “And Zeke did what he could to protect his little brother.”

“He punched you?” Hange’s eyes are wide, as she tries to imagine that particular scene. Zeke is so much bigger than Levi, if he had punched him… Hange suddenly feels very angry.

“No, although I wish he did. It happened just outside of our university, and so Zeke had me reported to the dean. Something about assaulting a minor… it almost got me expelled.”

“What a fucker,” Hange growls, her fist clenching involuntarily. She knew just how hard it was for Levi to get into that university and pay for the classes, and to think that he nearly got expelled because of something so stupid…

“It was an asshole move, I agree. But a part of me actually understands him.”

“Huh? Why?”

Hange can’t even fathom a reason to defend what Zeke did. She knows she would never forgive him for that. It doesn’t seem like Levi has forgiven him either, but he understands him? Hange doesn’t think she would be as gracious.

“Do you have a sibling, four-eyes?” Levi asks. “Or a cousin?”

“No.”

With a thoughtful expression, he hums. “That’s why you don’t understand.”

His answer confuses Hange. And at the same time, it intrigues her. She knows that a bond between siblings is a special one, and as an only child, she can’t grasp the meaning of it. Levi seems to cherish his relationship with Mikasa, even if he always calls her a brat and complains about her bad manners. It must be nice to have someone, a friend that lives with you in the same house. Hange can’t exactly imagine it, but she acknowledges the importance of it anyway.

“But enough of this,” Levi says, bringing her out of her thoughts. “Your collaboration with Zeke is almost at its end. Your article will come out in a few days, have you decided what are you going to do next? Have you already told Erwin that Zeke offered you a place at his newspaper?”

“I haven’t.”

She doesn’t quite know how to approach this conversation. What’s more, she doesn’t quite know what her decision is. Money Island is an opportunity that shouldn’t be ignored, Hange doesn’t want to ignore it. A resignation letter that is hidden inside the desk's drawer is a testament to this. It will give her career a boost she always dreamed of, and Hange can’t let it just slide past her. She isn’t going to, probably, but… she is reluctant.

“We still don’t know if our collaboration will turn out to be a success or not,” she adds, an attempt to justify her indecisiveness. “Maybe, Zeke wouldn’t want to do anything with me, if we fail.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Levi rolls his eyes, apparently refusing to even entertain this idea. “The article will be a success. And you’ll do great at that job.”

Hange snickers in an attempt to lighten up the mood, to distract Levi from her unease. “Sounds like you just want to get rid of me.”

“It’s your decision,” Levi doesn’t deny, not confirm her comment. It sets Hange just a little further on edge. “What I want doesn’t matter whatsoever.”

His words sound familiar, strangely so, but Hange refuses to think about it any further. The words might sound like those from the lover boy’s letter, but the context is different. Levi and him are different. And whoever lover boy is devoted to, Hange is sure that she and that person are different too.

“I’m starving,” Levi stands up, a bit too abruptly, but Hange is too lost in her thoughts to take note of it. “Let’s steal some food from Mike.”

Hange smiles, grateful for the offer, and stands up to join Levi. “I saw Erwin bring yoghurt today.”

“We need to hurry then,” he grabs her hand, quickening her stride. “Otherwise Nanaba will steal it before we even have a chance.”

Hange laughs and eagerly follows after him.

***

When the article finally comes out, it turns out to be a glaring success. Both newspapers gain new audience, a number of newcomers bigger than Erwin had anticipated.

Everyone is happy and proud of Hange accomplishment. No one is surprised at her success.

Mike, Nanaba and Moblit all but run into her office, interrupting each other in their haste to congratulate her.

Levi is the last one to approach her. He wears an unusually open, almost happy expression.

“Told you’d do great,” he murmurs.

Hange knows she shouldn’t do it, knows that Levi won’t enjoy it, his aversion to invasion of his personal space is proverbial, but… Hange accomplished a lot, right? She deserves a little celebratory gift.

With that in mind, she shortens the distance between them and goes in for the tightest, squishiest hug she had in a while.

Levi grunts his protest, but doesn’t object further. In a move that sets Hange’s heart ablaze, he wraps his arms around her too.

Hange likes hugs, receives lots of them – at parties, she often cuddles with Nanaba and Mike, sometimes falls asleep with Erwin holding her close, and Moblit always gets too clingy when he has a little too much to drink. She enjoys embracing her friends, but a hug from Levi – perhaps, Hange tries to reason, because it is such a rare occurrence – makes her brim with unbridled happiness.

***

After the short, but very much enjoyed celebratory hug, Hange invites her friends to get celebratory drinks.

The evening is great, it is filled with pleasant conversation and so much laughter that Hange’s stomach starts to ache from it. The evening is great, could have been perfect… if Hange could forget about the resignation letter that is hidden inside her desk’s drawer.

It is a little after midnight, when they leave the bar and call it a night. But while everyone else heads to their homes, Hange decides to come to the office.

Almost wistfully, she turns on the computer. The first thing she sees is the time and the date, displayed at the bottom of a screen, that tells her it’s the early hours of Wednesday.

The second thing she sees is a notification that Levi sent her a letter.

Right. It’s letters day. Perhaps, the last one for her.

Hange opens the mail, her eyes instantly searching for the familiar username. She doesn’t find it.

She goes through the whole archive again, this time much slower. Still nothing. Then – what if third time is a charm – she scrolls down to the bottom once more. And…

No luck.

It’s the first time in a while that Hange doesn’t receive a letter from the lover boy. It can be a good thing, she supposes. Maybe, the lover boy finally confessed and his beloved stayed with him. Maybe, that’s why he doesn’t need her advices anymore. Or, maybe… Maybe, she left. That will explain the absence of the letter too.

It’s just a letter, from a total stranger at that, but Hange feels sad. Her eyes water as she stares at the computer screen.

She can’t help but wonder – did lover boy’s beloved know about his feelings? Did she decide to leave anyway? Or was she none the wiser about the extent of his affections towards her? If so, did she regret leaving him behind?

Would Hange herself regret leaving her job and friends?

She’s not sure. The worst thing about regret is that it doesn’t appear until after you’ve already done something.

Maybe, she will regret it, maybe, she won’t. The only way to find out is to keep moving forward.

With a heavy heart and tear-streaked face, Hange takes the resignation letter out of the drawer.

***

When she breaks the news to Erwin, he is not at all surprised. He’s not even angry or disappointed, he doesn’t ask to reconsider. A part of Hange wishes he did. That would give her an excuse to stay.

His smile is sad, but at the same time it’s proud. He thanks Hange for three years of hard work and wishes her the best of luck.

“When you’ll get rich and famous,” he says as he wraps his arm around her. “Think of us sometimes, even if briefly.”

Hange’s answering laugh sounds more like a sob. “How could I ever forget all of you?”

Erwin chuckles and wipes away her tears. “You’re a star, Hange, don’t you ever doubt it.”

***

Her last day at work ends with Hange getting shit-faced at their favorite bar. Everyone else is just as drunk as she is – Nanaba refuses to let go of her arm, Mike keeps asking her to call him every day, and Moblit has already cried for three times.

The only semi-sober ones are Erwin, who has to show up to shareholders’ meeting tomorrow morning, and Levi, who is an abnormal human being that alcohol holds no power over.

In the end, he is the one tasked to bring Hange home.

For the entire of their ride to her apartment complex, Hange does her best to behave. She breaks down as soon as they get inside.

Apparently thinking that forcing her to shower would be too much of a bother, Levi leads her straight to the bedroom.

Hange doesn’t fight it, too exhausted to do so, but when Levi starts tucking her in, she grabs his wrist.

“Levi,” she says, and the amount of alcohol she consumed earlier makes it easier to not give a fuck that her voice sounds almost pleading. “Levi, what do you think about me leaving?”

Levi has said nothing on the topic throughout the whole evening. And, while he has given her a hint about his stance on it before, and it probably wouldn’t matter at all, since she is going to leave anyway, Hange still wants to know.

“I told you before,” he doesn’t pull his hand away from her grasp, if anything he moves a little closer, sitting at the edge of her bed. “My opinion doesn’t matter.”

“It matters,” Hange assures. “To me, it matters.”

“It shouldn’t.”

“Do you want me to stay?” she looks deep into his eyes, but be it the influence of alcohol or the absence of her glasses… she can’t read him at all. “If you really do, maybe—”

“No.” Levi cuts her off sharply. “No, Hange, there is no maybe. It’s your decision, and my feelings can’t become your reason.”

Again, the words are familiar, but Hange is drunk. Hange is filled with alcohol and conflicting emotions and lingering doubts. Besides, she’s too lost in the intense look inside Levi’s eyes to make sense of anything else.

“Good night,” Levi whispers, pressing his lips to her forehead in a feather light, achingly gentle kiss. “I hope you will be happy.”

He leaves just before Hange thinks of asking him to stay.

***

Hange swears to stay in touch with everyone at Sina’s Gossips, and she fully intends to keep that promise, but then— then the work gets in the way.

Her first week at Money Island is all but a blur. There is so much to do, so much to learn, and Hange gets lost in it almost immediately.

She stays in the office after hours, she works during weekends, every waking moment is essentially spent on trying to make sense of it all. The employees of Money Island help, which Hange is immensely grateful for, and she is no stranger to working after hours, but… what made her power through it before is not there anymore.

After two weeks she spends on her new job, Hange can’t deny it anymore – her new position is boring.

All these numbers, charts, net worth, stocks options, so on and so forth… it’s so dull and tiresome, it sucks all of Hange’s enthusiasm and inspiration.

That thrill, that excitement, it isn’t there anymore, there is no passion to fuel her, no purpose worth pursuing.

At least, her new colleagues are nice enough. However… Hange can’t help but compare them to her old ones.

Pieck is funny and kind, but not nearly as kind as Nanaba. Porco’s jokes, no matter what he thinks about them, aren’t as hilarious as Mike’s, and watching the development of his relationship with Pieck doesn’t give Hange the same thrill as Nanaba and Mike’s relationship did. Onyankopon is so polite, and he’s always ready to help, but he isn’t as endearingly awkward and cute as Moblit. Her new boss, Magath, isn’t half the man Erwin is. And Zeke… Zeke doesn’t even begin to compare with Levi.

Hange wants to like them, she really does, but all this work leaves little to no time to hang out with her friends, and their absence makes her more unwilling to connect with the new colleagues.

Out of sheer stubbornness, Hange continues working for another two weeks, hoping that maybe, with just enough time, she’ll get her spark back.

She is in the middle of writing another article, something about yet another failing company, when her phone pings, announcing a notification. Taking it a sign from above that she needs to take a break, Hange looks away from the computer screen and redirects her attention to the phone.

The notification announces a new letter, to her personal account. Intrigued, Hange opens it and almost squeals when she sees the username.

wings_of_freedom@gmail.com

Hange stares at it for a long, long moment. The letter isn’t redirected as it usually was, meaning… the lover boy knows her personal mail address, or…

The lover boy is someone she actually knows.

Not sure which one is more improbable, Hange opens the letter. It’s an unusually short one.

It’s been almost a month since she left. I still miss her every damn day. Do you have any advice how to stop it?

In that moment, everything clicks. Every coincidence and conjunction, every moment she felt like she could connect to the lover boy, every time his dilemma perfectly reflected her own. The fact that he knows her email address and the fact that he mentioned one month, precisely the amount of time that passed since she left Sina’s Gossips… there are too many seemingly random things that together create a clear enough picture.

Hange rereads the letter again, just to make sure that it’s real, just to make sure that she isn’t imagining it, that it isn’t wishful thinking.

It doesn’t seem like it is, Hange doesn’t believe it is, and a realization forces a surprised, happy laugh out of her throat.

It takes her but a moment to set her mind, and then, Hange closes the word document with an article, not bothering to save it. She opens another one right after that, and starts writing what will be another resignation letter, this time addressed to CEO of Money Island, Theo Magath. When she finishes, Hange opens powerpoint and proceeds to make a presentation that consists of almost eighty slides.

Perhaps, not her best work, but Hange is confident it will suffice.

She doesn’t bother waiting for Magath to come back from his meeting to give him a letter. She bumps into Zeke just as she exits the small office they gave her, and she thrusts the resignation letter into his hands before he can pull her into one of his endless, mostly one-sided conversation that serve mainly to stroke his ego.

When he takes a look at the letter, Zeke seems regretful, but— not at all surprised.

“I hoped you’d stay with us for a little longer…” he confesses with a slow shake of his head. “But I guess we can’t do what we don’t love.”

“I’m sorry,” Hange says, a small compensation.

“Don’t be,” Zeke waves her off, as easily and smoothly as he does everything else. “However, if you ever decide to go on a date with someone taller than a middle-schooler…”

Really, even Zeke knows? Is she that oblivious?

“You’ll be the first one to know,” Hange laughs, feeling lighter than she did in weeks.

Without wasting anymore time, Hange ducks into her office, grabs what little things she brought here and then rushes to small, not at all impressive, but so dearly loved building of Sina’s Gossips.

Just before entering, she stops and looks up at the front door. Finally… she feels at peace.

A moment is all she allows, before she walks inside.

Her first stop is Erwin’s office, where Hange plugs a USB and starts her presentation before Erwin can even ask what she’s doing here. It takes absolutely nothing to convince him to give her position back, but it does take the whole eighty slides to make him at the very least consider her new proposition – a new segment where Hange will be observing local news. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and a promising one at that.

“But I still need you to take care of the advice column,” Erwin warns just after he surrenders to Hange’s enthusiasm that slowly starts to come back to her. “Mike is quite terrible at it.”

“Consider it done, chief!” Hange exclaims with a quick salute.

Erwin smiles and stands up to embrace her. “Then, Hange Zoe, welcome back to Sina’s Gossips.”

Hange is smiling so much, she worries that her face might break.

After Erwin, she runs straight into Nanaba’s arms. As they embrace, Nanaba laughs, then cries, then laughs again.

“God, Hange, I’m so happy you came back,” she says, wiping her tears. “I was this close to dying of boredom.”

“You don’t know boredom until you’ve worked in finance, Nana.”

They laugh in unison, and Hange’s heart is full of affection, when Nanaba wetly kisses her cheek.

Just before stopping at Moblit’s desk, Hange heads to break room and is lucky enough to find Mike eating a sandwich there.

Hange steals it with a delighted laughter, instantly taking a huge bite.

“Never thought I’d miss someone stealing my food,” he shakes his head with a big smile. “But here we are, I guess. It’s good to have you back, Hans.”

At first, Moblit doesn’t actually believe she is real. He rubs his eyes and squints at her, tentatively touches her arm, gives her another once-over, and whatever he noticed – perhaps, it’s her mismatched socks – convinces him that he isn’t seeing things.

And then gathers her in his arms.

“They made me work with Levi,” he whispers into her shoulders. “Please, don’t leave me again.”

Hange laughs – she does it a lot today, compensating for that month she spent feeling sorry for herself – and pats Moblit’s shoulder.

“Speaking of our favorite shorty, where is he?”

“In his office, probably brooding as always. Since you left, he’s been doing it more often. ”

Hange thanks Moblit with a quick peck on his cheek, and then she is moving again, now heading to her final destination.

The inside of Levi’s office is dark, and awfully quiet. The only sound is the click-clack of the keyboard and the only light comes from the computer screen. It further highlights the dark circle under his eyes and the overall paleness of his face.

Hange clears her throat to get his attention.

Levi’s eyes snap to her, widening almost immediately. There is an ocean of questions, ready to spill from his lips, but Hange doesn’t give him a chance to voice any of them.

“So there is this guy, he’s been sending letters to me since forever. He’s so sweet, a true romantic, and, well, his letters were kinda the highlight of my week,” she pauses to take a quick breath, and continues. “And I’ve been rooting so hard for him, you know? I wanted him to get together with that sweetheart of his, but I also felt like she was kinda oblivious, if you get what I’m talking about. Perhaps, not completely blind, but with a vision poor enough to miss what is right in front of her. Or, perhaps, she always has her head up in the clouds and the guy is a little short, so it’s easy to miss him? And-”

“So you’ve figured it out then?” Levi interrupts her. His calmness makes Hange more nervous.

“I have.”

“Only now?”

“Yes.”

“Hm,” a ghost of a smile dances around his narrow lips. “Completely blind then.”

Hange huffs, but she can’t resist a smile of her own. She takes a step towards his desk, hopping right on top of it.

“Just so we’re clear,” she touches his forearm, slowly moving her hand up to his shoulder. “You weren’t my reason to leave, Levi. And you aren’t the reason I’m staying. But,” she leans in, hoping that Levi is not as stupid and she is, and he gets the hint that she wants him to lean closer too. “You’re the reason I decided to come back. And for that, I can’t thank you enough.”

Hange closes her eyes, when Levi gently cups her cheek. With bated breath, she waits to feel his lips on hers.

Her lover boy doesn’t disappoint, and the gentle, loving kiss makes her head spin.

After a short moment of bliss, Levi pulls away, and Hange has to forcefully stop herself from chasing after his lips. He smirks at the dazed look in her eyes, and Hange just has to retaliate.

She strokes the skin of his cheek with the most tender of touches, shortening the distance between them with tantalizingly slow speed. Just when they’re less than a breath apart, Hange whispers, in a quiet, endlessly soft voice, “You know, Levi, wings of freedom is a really stupid username.”

Levi pushes her off the desk for that, but it’s still worth it. Even more so, since he catches her right in his arms.

And then her lover boy kisses her again. And again, and again, until her heart is so full of love that she can’t even find it in her to get angry at Mike, who snaps a picture of them and runs away to tell everyone the news.

“They’ll be gossiping about that for weeks,” Levi grumbles.

Hange laughs, smoothing the crease between his eyebrows. “Well, it’s Sina’s Gossips we’re working at. And didn’t you know? Love for the gossip is the requirement to get a position here.”

[stevenbasic]

“Hi Dr J, I’m glad we finally get to chat…”

Holy shit.

——

Earlier that day, I’d been told at the front desk that there was a lady from Evolution Pharmaceuticals on the line, and that she’d like to speak with me. Aubrey had always been good about screening out the sales pitches, the irate patients, the people with whom I really never needed to actually talk. So that she was pulling me aside for this call told me that this one might be something I should probably take...

But - ugh. No. I didn’t want to. This had been a long day, a long week so far - and it was only Tuesday! God, the past few months had been more and more exhausting, humiliating and emasculating with each passing hour. And the more I learned, the more it seemed that this company was at the heart of my troubles. Yes, it offered the opportunities of great financial rewards for the practice with this clinical study trial in which we were going to be participating. Since Jeanette, my previous Office Manager, had left, the mismanagement of the business had us in dire straits. Without the money from Evolution’s study and the “Lean In” grant from the women’s advancement group, I’m not sure we’d still be afloat. So, yeah, maybe I should have taken the call.

“I’ll call them later,” I told Aubrey, and grabbed the films I needed for my next patient.

That had been three hours ago, before my little hallway meeting with Melissa. Since then Gianna - some woman who’d wanted to speak to me about the trial - had called two more times. Left messages. Really wanted just fifteen minutes of my afternoon. Needed to speak with me. I refused each call.

Finally done with patients, sitting in my office at the end of the day as darkness crept in from outside, I sighed as Brittni from the desk buzzed me. She said that Gianna was on the line again. “Can I transfer her?”

“No,” I replied on the intercom, noticing that a little green light had blinked to life on the camera I had clipped to my monitor. I hadn’t seen it before, this light. In fact...when did I get a camera on this computer?

“Tell her I'll call tomorrow...” I finished.

I had set back to finishing some patient notes on my desktop when, suddenly, my screen flashed to black. For a quick moment I thought - oh no, a crash - but then a new, unfamiliar window appeared, and my mouse pointer began moving on its own accord. What the…? The window went full screen and next thing I knew I was in a video chat with-

“If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were avoiding my calls…” the woman onscreen spoke, laughing casually as she tossed her hair...

“oh, uh…” I was immediately agape. This was who’d been trying to call me all day??

“Anyway...Hi Dr J, I’m glad we finally get to chat…”

Holy shit. This girl was gorgeous. Look at those tits.

As I stared, still shell-shocked and speechless from having my computer hijacked out from under me by a bosomy corporate careerist, she went on to introduce herself as Gianna Albertini, from the clinical trials department at Evolution Pharmaceuticals. She explained how excited she and her team was to get the study off the ground at the practice. Things had been fast tracked at the FDA, they were just waiting for some rubber stamps, and everything looked very promising for their product. She apologized for not being able to meet in person, at least for a while. “I’m on some new retroviral treatment, and they have me quarantined at home,” she explained with surprising nonchalance, “yadda yadda yadda…”

Finally, after a good several minutes of watching her talk - and she held my attention easily, her rack possibly rivaling Melissa’s - she let me get a word in edgewise. I was still confused by how in one moment I was working on my patient charts, and then in the next I was in a video chat. “H-how did you…?”

“Sorry,” Gianna laughed, casually waving away any privacy concerns I was currently about to voice, “I had to remote in, take over your desktop. I really needed to speak with you.” Beyond the blatant intrusions tactics she was obviously willing to employ, there was something in this woman’s eyes, her demeanor, that was making me more and more concerned as the conversation - such as it was - continued. She may have been acting relaxed and friendly, decidedly informal, but there was a seriousness just below the surface that even I could see, even through the screen, and even in the face of those enormous tits. “Plus, maybe it’s actually better we do it this way, rather than on the phone,” she said, as she sat up nice and straight, “So we can see one another’s...smiling faces.”

Gahh...

As she got down to brass tacks, this young woman went on to describe to me some of the details of the new wings in our building into which the office would be expanding, how much more space we and Evolution be acquiring to fulfill the needs of the trial, and when it would all be ready. “Construction is ultra-fast tracked,” she said, “should be done within a few weeks.”

Weeks?? I marveled, silently incredulous. I’d seen the plans; it was a huge project. I’d figured months, if it ever really got done at all. But, the teams did seem motivated, and there were a lot of them, working day-in and day-out, all through the night. Maybe, perhaps? Could they pull it off in weeks?

We also talked about the structure of the trial, what it would involve day-to-day, and the long-term forecast. Evolution seemed ready to set up permanent shop with a clinic in the building, by taking over much of the lease of the new space, with the study just the first step in the door.

“You’ll be listed as the lead investigator,” Gianna explained, continuing on to detail the ins-and-outs of the trial, “but don’t worry. We’ll have plenty of people in place. You really won’t have to do too much, or deal with anyone at the main office. You’ll be reporting just to me...”

“r-reporting to you?” I asked, trying to ignore the impressive bosom which filled the screen, cowed me. That had taken me back a bit...'reporting to her'? I had noticed something in this young woman’s tone, through our chat, that led me to believe that she and I possibly had different views as to the, uh, hierarchy of this whole thing. I was the doctor around this place, and had gotten used to expecting a little respect, being top of the food chain. She, on the other hand, maybe had other ideas.

“That's right,” she said, “we’ll do these chats once a week, more if I feel like we need it. I’ll expect a report from you every day, but again don’t worry. It’s basically something you just have to sign, the girls will do it all. Our other providers will be handling most of the work with the patients in the study, entering data, keeping the FDA happy, blah blah blah. Maybe we’ll ask you to go in and talk to, examine a few of the subjects, just to keep things interesting for you.”

If I hadn’t felt totally emasculated and marginalized, my authority crippled by the horde of women who’d apparently taken over my practice recently, this was the clincher. It would appear that for this study I was going to be not much more than a coddled figurehead, a token man of straw, expected to satisfy the whims of some half-rate pharm company and this woman, at her beck and call. No way!

“I’m going to have to insist on directing care for, uh, the trial subjects,” I asserted, finally getting a moment to exert my will, “they will, technically, be my patients.”

“Oh, of course!” Gianna replied, smiling and throwing her hair over her shoulder, “Allowing for some oversight from the other providers we’ll have in place, you’ll have lots of medical-decision-making to keep yourself busy!”

What did she mean, ‘oversight’?

“They’ll be different than your usual patients, the subjects that we’ll be bringing in for the study, but I think you’ll like them,” she continued, trying to reassure me, “maybe a younger crowd, and of course all female. But in general all you’ll have to do is sit back and watch the money coming in.” She sat, looked into the screen for a moment, in thought. “Though I guess we have some people there handling that for you, too, hm?”

That gave me pause, made me rethink the litany of arguments that were beginning to boil up in my throat. I’d seen some of the paperwork, quickly, as it had moved past my desk for my signatures. It involved a lot of money for the practice. Like, a lot of money. I thought of my bills, my expenses, what I still somehow owed on my student loans. If Sheryl wasn’t going to be there to provide for me, help me pay these things…

If any of it remained, there was obviously some pride I was going to need to swallow.

“S-speaking of money,” I began, “what's my compensation going to look like?“

Something about my question, something about how I was holding myself, made Gianna smile again and then sigh, a sigh that told me she knew something I didn’t, I couldn’t help but think. With that she leaned in, her eyes locked on mine through the camera, and a shiver went up my spine. “Oh don’t worry, Dr. J,” she spoke, “you’ll be well taken care of...“

===================================

Muchos Gracias to long-time friend, supporter of the story and behind-the-scenes ninja Antares for helping me assemble these clips.

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