#and ghost’ll enlist the help of roach

[eiraeths]

i remembered why i was looking at 09 soap’s journal. throughout the pages lays endless trials and numbers, goals to achieve and ways to get better. its methodical and written down to obsessive detail. he’s always been about bettering himself and making sure he never has to rely on people. it’s not a pride thing and never has been. there’s a line about price saving him that says, ‘how many times can someone save your life before it’s no longer yours,’ (or something along those lines i don’t have the journal pulled up rn) the lines are riddled with guilt and a ravenous hunger because he hates feeling useless and he feels he has to be independent (while simultaneously being so dependent on people) like he is a people person yes but not this sunshine incarnate persona he puts on, no, he’s smart. he’s very fucking smart and uses it to figure out what lies under people’s skin, how they think and how it influences their actions.

all of this boils down to him not having anywhere to put down the excessive energy when he’s medicaled out. he knows soldiers’ and carnage following the path of war, it’s where he’s comfortable. now all of it is gone, out of reach and he’ll never get back to the field again. an overactive mind means he’s seeing things that aren’t there. he’s misreading intentions and veiled by his paranoia to the point it’s setting back his progress to recovery. he doesn’t know where to draw the line anymore, doesn’t know how to separate soap from john. he hasn’t been a civilian in years and he’s struggling so damn hard. he can’t help but think for what? all of that for what? all the long nights spent honing his body and skills for nothing. now he’s stuck in a body he’s outlived with nothing to show for it but a pension that won’t even last long enough for him to live off of more than a few years.

hmmm i want to write soap medically discharged and having to learn how to be a civilian again