#and for the people who never wanted any part of it to begin with and are having to suffer for your community's systemic upfuck

[13tinysocks]

My Dead Girlfriend

The GDA scrambles to recoup losses. Relationships begin and end- badly.  [Invincible Variants x reader]

TW: I dunno. It's! Uhm! Ref, you shouldn't say that!

[Part one]  [4]  [Ao3] [6]

5 * Godspeed, Kid [8k]

"You broke my heart, 

I hope you die,

Emptier than how I feel inside,

And when you lay your head to rest at night I hope that you,

Never fall asleep when you think of all the things you do."

Plate Glass Apology - Apes of the State

        "He's not even gonna see it." Your nosy co-worker says. 

        "It's the principle." You say, pouring the milk slower, getting to the bottom of the pitcher where the thick foam sat. "Can't work up the guts to say something so," your words ebb as you delicately shake the pitcher, letting a glob of foam sit atop the caramel latte, "I'll do this until he notices." With a flick of the wrist, you strike the glob through. Leaving a heart of milk foam you hide under a white lid. 

        "Black Americano, London fog, and a caramel latte for Nolan." You push the drinks out all at once. A teenage boy slides off a tall chair at the center table in the lobby. You avert your gaze as he grabs the order, muttering thanks. You watch him walk away, feeling heat in your cheeks and butterflies in your belly. 

        He slides into the chair, passing out drinks. Not taking the lid off the cup, not noticing again. It's whatever, you're too scared to say what you want. Too shy. What were the chances anyway? Cute boy and a yearning barista? 

        His brick wall of a father catches your eye. Mustache twitching up at you before he turned to his son. He speaks low, so low you can't hear.  "I think that girl likes you, Mark." 

        Mark stiffens, going bright red. "T-there's no way you know that."

        Nolan sips his Americano. Nothing close as good to the real thing, but passable for a peaceful morning with his family. "Oh, I know."

        His mother laughs into her palm. The order printer spits out a ticket, you get back to work. 

        At some point, your manager sets you behind the register. The Saturday mid-morning rush is killing you. Understaffed, flooded with orders. The customers keep coming with no end in sight. You're the only cashier, and the people are getting impatient. 

        You can feel the waves of contempt wafting off everyone behind your current customer. Some middle-aged nobody who was currently driving you insane. "I want something hot, no, cold, wait, mmm, maybe hot." You make recommendations. "It has to be keto. Are any of your syrups gluten-free? What's the calorie count per squirt of syrup? Do you have sugar-free milk?" You try and try to steer her in the right direction but she won't listen. The line is growing and honestly, you want it to move so you can talk to the boy in line. Holding his cup, blushing, looking at his feet, then at his parents for moral support. 

        You shouldn't do it. Using your powers in public was a terrible idea, it always was. People don't much like mind-fuckers. You'd been demure using them. Controlling people wasn't right, it felt icky. You were determined to be good and very, very normal. 

        But you have no choice. She's not shutting her fat lip and you wanted to flirt. 

        You lean forward past the register, whispering, "You're gonna get a black coffee. Gonna love it so much you'll tip me twenty bucks. Then you're never coming back."

        Her eyes glazed. "One black coffee, please."

        "Coming right up!"

        He's two customers behind. You get them out of the way. Lean on the register, like you're too cool for fast food- or is it fast coffee? 

        He sets the cup down, looking anywhere but at you, "Tell me if I'm being weird or crazy or whatever but uhm..." He lifts the lid. The heart had melted into the latte. Oh, he hadn't seen it, had you just forgotten the caramel syrup? He didn't actually want to talk to you. 

        Across the cafe, his father loudly cleared his throat. 

        Mark forced himself to make eye contact. "Uh. I just wanted to say this is like, the best latte I've ever had and I uhm- wanted to give you something." He fumbled with a scrap in his back pocket. Pushing it into the tip jar. You see numbers hastily written on the back of his dad's receipt. Then he's flipping open his thin wallet, "I'm also gonna actually tip too don't worry, I'm not that full of myself."

        Your fingers fish the number out the jar. "This is more than enough for me." The words hit him like a mallet. He almost jumps out his shoes. Horrified a girl actually flirted with him.

        And that's how it started. A nudge from Nolan turned into texting late at night about shitty minimum wage jobs. Turned into his mom driving you to the theaters, to a first kiss for you both, after seeing a terrible adaptation of a comic book. Turned into wanting to go to college together, you'd never even thought about college before. Turned into him saying he'd help you figure out the money situation. You lived alone as a teenager, circumstances, life and powers you didn't tell him about. Turned into a single job for Machine Head, offering enough money for tuition.

        The funny thing was, Mark gave you his number the same day you caught Machine Head's camera eye. Hell, in the same five minutes. He'd been right behind the lady you'd hypnotized. Came up to the counter when the rush died two hours later. Long after he'd left, come back just to give you a sleek business card. His number, the address of his high rise suite.

        "If you ever wanna actually do something with your life." He'd said. And with him and Mark, you actually started to consider it. 

        ***

        He's leaned over her body, bandaged and still. Pulse slow but strong. Leg in a sling hung off the ceiling. His new mask resting on the edge of her bed. Not looking up when Cecil walked in, followed by you. 

        "I already told you, I'm not leaving her." He says. Back moving as he speaks. So much wider than when you knew it. Voice deeper, matured, and so tired. 

        "Yeah, yeah, they could come busting down the door any minute to kill her to get at you." Cecil says, "But I just hit them with all I've got and they're fine, Mark. So please, turn around and talk to us."

        "No."

        Cecil turns to you, jutting his jaw toward Mark. Telling you to talk. You already know your powers won't work on him. You were still weak from Narcan. Exhausted from being passed around and almost dying. So God forgive you if you don't speak with good faith.

        "You're pathetic."

        At that, he whips around. Brows twisting. "Who-" He stares, taking seconds to process, too long. You're almost unrecognizable. No light in your eyes. No teenage awkwardness. No smile. "If you're bringing her out to convince me, the answer's still no." He turns back to Eve. You're not important enough to look at longer than twenty seconds. There was none of the barely contained want you saw in the alternate Marks, no immediate recognition. 

        Your fists ball. You were just a chess piece of Cecil's to him? 

        "He almost fucking vaporized me with nukes and they're fine." You would play the role of pawn just fine. Your anger at the situation was genuine, leading you right into Cecil's trap. "If that won't work, nothing will. The planet needs you."

        "Then Eve needs me more than ever." He says hollowly.

        You want to vomit. All over him and his puppy-dog eyes. All over her and her pretty face, and altruistic personality- always thrown in your face on the news. 

        It had nothing to do with the current happenstance but it comes ripping out of you.

        "Do you even care that you ruined my life?" He doesn't respond. You want to hit something. Break someone's bones. You remember Seventeen falling to the ground dead. The swirl of emotions you felt. You think if you did it again, there'd only be one emotion. 

        You go on, watching for a reaction. A shoulder slump, a sigh, anything. "I owed Machine Head after the job because I didn't deliver. You threw me in jail. He protected me. I owed him more, and if I didn't pay up, he'd kill me. Do you even know what I had to do? Did you ever think about it? I never even got to finish High School, Mark!"

        He doesn't flinch. Braced for a lashing. You realize then and there. He'd must've known you'd gone back. He worked for the GDA long enough for someone to fill him in. Flew over the city all the time. Knew people who knew people. He'd have heard it through the grapevine at some point. He'd only come looking the once. Maybe thinking to himself in his stupid puppy brain that you were better off without him. That you could make your way in the world. That you didn't want to see him and weren't totally drowning and in such desperate need of saving.

        "Look at me." You try to grasp for power that doesn't come, you could make him, but you can't. Your lips wobble. Cheeks burning with humiliation. Not only because he wouldn't look at you but Cecil was there, witnessing the whole thing. You turn your mind to something more pressing, another thing that makes you so angry you want to rip off heads. "If you're gonna fuck the planet over, have the decency to look at me and tell me you're not helping."

        His head dips. Leaning closer into Eve's orbit. "No. The answer's no. I can't leave her."

        He won't look at you. You're nothing but an unimportant memory. Something in you breaks. The onslaught of Marks you didn't even know cared about you more. But what had you been expecting from him? Hope for a romance re-lit? Hope to have the balls to kill him? You don't know.

        You hold back tears. Force your quavering lip into a hard line. "Fine. You won't do shit? I will." Cecil looks at you, brow raised as if he wasn't wanting for one of you to step up.

        "I'll figure it out." You tell him as you storm out the room. Unable to hold the tears any longer. 

        ***

        You're gone. Gone. Blasted to dust. Dead, again.

        He knew the trap was coming, but he couldn't stop it and save you at the same time. He thought he could be stronger, faster, but that damn noise got him. Made his ears pulse and bleed even with the noise cancellation device in his suit. Hell, part of him hoped since the others seemed to care so much, maybe they'd stop the bombs.

        Now he's in the pit that used to be an island. Ocean water roaring down the ledge. Looking for pieces of you. But there is nothing but water and rock.

        He checks his tracker, coming to his senses after minutes of reeling. Your dot doesn't appear. Your vitals no longer showing in the corner of his lenses. 

        He wants Angstrom to appear. Wants to rip that engorged brain off his scalp. He should've known it was a ruse, a sick joke because you were dead everywhere but here, and no way in hell would he- or any of them- be so lucky as to hold you again. 

        Angstrom doesn't come. Nor do anymore bombs. The planet is out of defenses. 

        One by one the Marks give up. Speeding off the to nearest city to level or person to kill. Blaming this world for false hope. Leveling it more than it already had been. Suppose that's what Angstrom was planning. For that, he'd kill the bastard whenever it was time to meet at the rendezvous.

        ***

        There is nothing to do but wait. Cecil withheld the remaining heroes in safe houses across the globe. The ones that didn't listen, the ones that thought letting the Invincible's scourge the planet was stupid, never came back. Cecil's plan was simple, wait for it to be over. He'd tried taking them down one by one, tried en masse, tried everything but only a handful fell. The remaining were too much for any defense the planet had and the real Invincible wasn't lifting a finger to help. 

        So Cecil made every other hero follow suit. Biding his time. Waiting to launch the rescue missions rather than offense. 

        He did things where he could. Trying to contain. Remotely launching tear gas specially compounded to fuck up a supe, but of course it did nothing to Viltruimtes. Playing that awful sound that made Mark weak. Except most speakers on the planet couldn't play it at the correct pitch, so the most it did was cause a minor annoyance before the speaker was smashed.

      Psycopomp watched as you avoided everybody. As you went unpunished for your crimes, many of the same things she'd done, but shit. Making people do as you said was just immoral. At least with the dead, they couldn't feel or even know what was happening. 

        Cecil wanted Psychopomp to help. To zap her into areas under attack for her to raise the re-dead re-animen. She refused because he let you walk free. 

        Then he'd laid it on her like this, "There's only a handful of people on the planet left with a chance of killing any of the alternate Mark Graysons. She took one out single-handedly, that's not for nothing. Listen, if you help us we can think about opening an investigation on (Y/n) but as long as this lasts, we need her." 

        Psychopomp agreed. Glazing over the word think. She was sent into the field, one disaster after another raising the dead undead. Watching them get killed again and again. Being zapped back to the GDA just to be sent somewhere else in the next five minutes, rinse, repeat. 

        Day one was bad, day two was worse, and on the dawn of three the destruction started to lull. Cecil lost more employees than he'd thought possible. The hospital wing keeping Eve alive was down to three staffers working round the clock. They'd drop of exhaustion any moment and they'd all be fucked because Mark, the real Mark, would be so angry he'd finish the destroying the planet before his alternates could.

        Then there was you. 

        Hovering around the remains of the GDA headquarters like a ghost. Useless because you didn't understand military strategy. Petty gangwar bullshit didn't apply anywhere here. Nowhere else to go because there's nowhere to go, as if Cecil would let you leave anyway. Keeping you around as a last resort, plans tumbling around in his balding head. Nothing solid enough. 

        So he let you wander, let you have time alone in the one working bathroom, washing your body with hand soap and mineral thick water. Didn't bat an eye when you pulled the armor off a guard's corpse. Even down to the white tank top undershirt and shorts he wore under. Least you had the decency the put the guy's hands over his dick.

        Cecil wasn't blind or stupid. You dressing yourself in the black and green armor of a GDA solider was no coincidence. There were plenty of dead lab techs to take normal clothes off. 

        You looked for nearly an entire day for a pulse rifle that was fully loaded and still shot. Most of the dead guards fought for their lives before being cut down. You could shoot, but had no idea how tech this advanced was reloaded. Hell, just holding the rifle felt awkward compared to your six-shooter. It wouldn't be enough and you knew it. But you didn't know what else you could do. 

        You practiced firing, using guns with less ammo. It was the only thing that felt useful to do. The only thing that felt right, because marching into the hospital wing and shooting Mark wasn't an option.

        The last of the engineering staff reverse-engineered the remnants of the cuff they'd broken off your ankle. Barely. The signal was spotty, and his location was never exact but they had an estimate of where one of them was at all times. 

        It rose alarms when his signal was stopped above the Grayson household. Cecil cut to the closest working cameras he had, which happened to be real close since he had dozens of eyes on the Grayson's since Nolan went rogue. 

        The tracked one wasn't alone. Hovering over his childhood home was Mark, Mark, Mark, and Mark, and a handful more Mark's. They were speaking so far from the nearest micro-mic the sensor could barely pick up the words.

        "--s taking him so lon-"

        "How is he late? He--  -teleport."

        "Stop whini--"

        You push off the wall. You'd been waiting. Watching. Hoping a handful of them would group up again and you could kill Mark over and over and over. All you could think about these last two days was Mark. His back toward you. How long it'd taken him to recognize you. The memory of meeting at your shitty job. The anger boiled you alive. Made you stupid enough to stay with the GDA and not move into a safe house. Though Cecil never suggested you did. Part of him hoped you could do something.

        Their conversation carried on. You moved to Cecil's side, pulling the dead guard's helmet over your head. "I'm going." Your tone leaves no room for argument.

        He should argue. You're barely a real adult. So much to live for. So easy to kill in a Viltrumite's hands. But he doesn't, because he knows you killed one of them, you could kill more. Rest and rage have fueled you with diesel and you're ready to light the match. 

        "Are you sure?" Donald turns from the screen, monitoring the Marks. "There's no guarantee we can get you out once we send you in." The teleporter was fixed for a few hours, but sending in all those re-animen for the bombing? Fucked it over again. The first few times they sent out Psychopomp, she was fine, but the last trip went bad. You vaguely heard she refused to go back out into the field. That the teleporter didn't work when it was supposed to, that she got hurt by one of them.

       But at least she found Caligula while running for her life. Fuzzball came bounding up to her, happy to run beside her. She was smug when she'd come back despite shaking and being paler than an eggshell. Caligula sometimes came to you for love, but it wasn't enough to heal the chasm that'd opened in your chest. You shooed him away, no love to give. Psychopomp took the role of mommy dearest.

        Fine by you. 

        You weren't actively suicidal, just angry. Spiteful. In your wildest dreams, you thought of people praising you for bravery. Cash prizes and a penthouse. Everyone knowing Mark didn't go to the final confrontation, but you had. He let you go alone so he could be sad at his girlfriend's bedside. 

        Then again, you didn't give two horse shits about saving the planet. You knew you wouldn't live to see glory and that was fine. You wouldn't know how to live with glory. To uphold a shiny new hero status. You were bad and couldn't conceive of any other way you could be. 

        "I'm sure." You tilt your head toward the teleporter, "Are you going to let me go or not?" 

        Cecil's scarred lip twitched. "It's a death sentence." His words weren't meant to convince you away. They were a warning label slapped down for legal reasons.

        "I know." You made your way to the teleporter. The men trailing behind you. 

        You look back at the screen. The Marks chatter on. You let the rifle rest on your knee while your hand goes to your pocket.

        "You should know drugs like that don't actually enhance powers." Cecil nods to your soldier pants where you'd stuff the last two bottles of codeine atop your phone, wallet, keys, other odds and ends. As if you'd need them where you were going. Old habits, they say.

        "They do for me." Your foot hovers over the teleporter edge.       

        "We've done extensive testing on drugs combined with powers. Enhancements are always from a placebo." Donald says, robo jaw clinking. 

         You don't want to believe him, but you do. Because the 'power-up' was never consistent. You drop the bottle back into your pocket. Just another thing you had hoped for that wasn't true. "Well, thanks for ruining the placebo."

        "Doesn't help anyone if you overdose," Cecil says gruffly.

        A wry smile ticks your lip under the gray-tinted visor. "You saying you believe in me?"

        "You're the last chance we've got, so I have to." He can't see but you roll your eyes.

        Your foot comes down on the teleporter platform. You turn to the tech running the thing, "Get me close enough to shoot but not close enough to immediately die." They nod. 

        "Hey!" Her voice cuts the room, the finality of the moment. Psychopomp weaves around Cecil and the techies. Right side of her supersuit torn away. Banadages wrapped tight around the stump that came a few inches off her shoulder. Entire arm gone. You hadn't noticed, so lost in your own head.

        "You said there'd be an investigation." She says before Cecil tells her to go lay down. The medical staff barely saved her life yesterday. 

        "I said I'd think about it." Cecil says, waving to a tech to get started on powering up the teleporter. 

        She snarls, rearing on you. "So what? You're just gonna leave on some suicide mission before telling me where my brother is? Like it'll make up for all the shit you've done? You a hero now?"

        You blink slowly at her. Unbothered because so much worse had happened these last days you couldn't bring yourself to care. Around you, the machine rattles and glows. 

        "Tell me!" She snaps. 

        "If he wasn't dead before, he's dead now." Not an admission, by any means, but enough for her to put the puzzle pieces together.

        Just before you're zapped away to your early grave, Cecil says, "Godspeed, kid."

        The light around you apexes. You can't see anymore. "Fuck you."

        You hear her voice, not letting you get the last word in, "No!"

        You're shoved backwards. A hand on your arm. Then you're both gone. Leaving Cecil to care for the cat, already winding around his legs.

        ***

        Back-first, you hit the pavement. Head cracking against the ground. Armor absorbing the blow. 

        Psychopomp peeled herself up wobbily on her one arm. Shoddy supersuit no match for the unpaved road.

        She's going to scream questions about her brother. Going to call their attention to you. You do what needs to be done-  crack the side of her head with the rifle's butt before she can even open her mouth. Her eyes roll back as she goes limp on top of you. You look to the sky and find nothing. Carefully, you slide out from under her and begin to walk that painfully memorable trip to the Grayson household.

        You'd recognized it immediately on the GDA screens. Remembered making out on Mark's bed. Dinner with his family. Texting him while you were in the same room, giggling about it.

        The world around you is ashes. Most of the fires already gone out, all the houses eaten up. You withhold a, "Jesus Christ." Keeping the gun's muzzle tight to your body. You wonder from where Cecil watches. 

        You peak around the corner of LeBolt Street and Green Drive. Sure enough, the last house on the left stands on its last white legs. Car gone from its driveway, making you remember Debbie. You liked her, hoped she wasn't dead even though her son was a prick. 

        Above the ruin, they wait. You can't hear their conversation. You count, one, two, three... eleven. Fucking eleven. You took down one because the others were distracted, but distracting ten to remove one? Seemed impossible. 

        You were afraid, not in the traditional 'oh shit I'm going to die' sense, because you had felt like that for the better part of five years and it was easy to tune out. The feeling that filled you was more final, a righteous 'I need to kill at least half these people before I go to hell'. You figured it was best to start small, experimental. You hide in charcoal rubble and fire a single blast into the curbside in front of your hiding spot. 

        "Oh great, somebody left a survivor." Mohawk bitched, "No wonder he won't come, he's too afraid someone else is gonna see his fucked up head."

        Some of them snicker, most don't.

        "I've got it." A voice says, "Gotta work out the kinks in my back still, think that kid actually knocked a disc loose."

        "Who cares, just do it." Someone snaps.

        He's at the curb in a flash. Falling on his haunches, flicking at the still smoking debris. His swim-capped head gleaming from the distant sun's glow. "Alright guy, come out. I've got worlds to take over and I really-"

       You dare not speak for fear of being heard even at a whisper. Your arm comes out, fingers beckoning. He'd been looking in your direction. Lazy smile playing on his lips before the control sunk it's claws in.

        He hobbles over and crouches in front of your hiding spot.

        Before, you'd have drunk codeine and given it the credit but now? Credit was given to the rage this place brought you. Walking around this very block, talking about nothing and everything. Hope for the future. Mark's back to you. 

        You point through the charcoal of the shuddered window you'd been hiding behind. His eyes follow, landing on Scars. Your finger goes to your throat, crossing it in a slow, deliberate line. Kill him.

        You wish there was a universal gesture for 'come back when you're done so I can tell you to murder these other freaks'  but there wasn't. Unless he knew ASL, which you highly doubted.        

        He blasts off the ground. The shudder falls and you barely duck out of the way before it could pin you to the ground. You find another hiding spot to watch from.

        Someone already murmuring, "Took you long enough," at his return.

        Knowing these freaks, they'd jump on Swimcap the second he attacked. He'd be the one who wound up dead. Sex offense poster boy would be a nice bonus. Then they'd come, searching for what drove Swimcap kill crazy. You'd use them to kill each other. Make the last one standing snap his own neck- if you got that far, if your power didn't drain.

        Scars opened his mouth, "I didn't hear a scr-" His teeth clacked shut on his tongue. Blood filling his mouth as he's shot a mile into the sky. You watch Swimcap shoot up after him. Your puppet got above Scars head before he could regain his bearings and balled his fists over his own head before bringing them down on Scars' chest. He came back down to Earth like a meteor, smashing the remnants of the house. Sending shockwaves through the busted neighborhood.

        Swimcap flew down, feet extended, aiming to sever Scars head from his neck. Scars catches him by the ankles, rolls, and slams Swimcap  facedown into the foundation of the house. "Fuck's wrong with you?" He doesn't wait for reply, climbing atop the other version of himself, letting fists rule. 

        The others lower in the sky, curious. 

        "You can't double cross me, I was going to double cross you." Scars snaps between blows.

        Swimcap finally regains his bearings, catching one fist then the other. Four teeth knocked out of his mouth, blood vessels burst in his eyes, the lenses of his cap broken. Scars catches the look in his eye, the glaze of control before a knee slams into his dick. Swimcap gets on top.

        You lean forward. Smiling like it was the best movie you'd ever seen.  

        A fist is raised. Then grabbed by a red glove.

        "We're supposed to be working together, not killing each other." Omni-Mark says. 

        Scars sneers, "Like we weren't going to turn on each other at some point."

        Swimcap brings his free fist down. Snapping Scars head to the side. 

        "Stop it." Omni-Mark says, "Or I'll be forced to act on the aggressor."

        "I can handle this myself!" Scars hands come up to either side of Swimcap's head. "He just surprised me!" The muscles in his arms bulge, veins on his hands pulsing as he presses and presses and presses. Swimcap's jaw ticks, goes unnaturally to the side, eyes go redder, bleeding tears before they pop out, dangling on his cheeks. Then the top of his head pops up, brains squirting up in a pressurized blast. Chunks landing on the front of Omni-Mark's suit, much to his distaste.

       Scars shoves the body off, not minding the blood. Omni-Mark lets his limp wrist fall, holds out his newly freed hand to help Scars up. He slaps it away. "Didn't need your fucking help."

        "Really?" Mohawk's scratchy voice calls down, "Cuz it sure looked like you needed it to me!"

        "Shut up." Scars says.

        Together, the landed pair rejoin the group in the air. 

        "Any idea why he did that?" One of them asks.

        Looks and shrugs are shared. "Guy blew his load too early, I guess." Mohawk says. A minute passes. He speaks again, "Seriously, what's taking that guy so long?"

        "This would pass a lot faster if you'd shut up," Emperor says.

        "He knows he can't deliver on his promises anymore." The bald one looks from version of himself to version of himself. "He's scared shitless."

        "No way he can't deliver me more universes." Scars spits. 

        "Don't act like you weren't losing your shit when she died." Mohawk jerks in the air. Tense all over. Waiting for someone to come at him so he could hit something hard as he could.

        "I think it was fitting." Scars tone is all confident sarcasm, but he won't look at anybody. "Bitch deserved it."

        Two of them look at each other. A Mark in his old blue-yellow uniform, no mask. The other in what looked like a tracksuit with a fluttering mask covering his face. Puzzlement crossed between them.

        Mohawk was on him, fists twisted in the bottom of Scars mask. "I was gonna kill you eventually, but I think now's a great fuckin' t-"

        "Dregs! Dregs, you bitch! Where the fuck are you!?" Screeches through the neighborhood's exposed bones. So many of them go rigor mortis stiff. Then the sound comes again, "(Y/n)! I know you're here!"

        You peek out of your hiding spot. See Psychopomp shambling down the street where you'd popped into existence. Blood streaked down her pallid forehead. A snarl on her thin lips. 

        She's stupid. You think. She's suicidal. You think. She wants to get me killed.

        She throws her head back, "Come out!"

        Phantom is the first on top of her. Grappling her hard by the shoulder and stub. "(Y/n)? You said (Y/n)? You said (Y/n) is here?" Desperation pierces through the modulator. That of someone teetering on the edge of an endless chasm. 

        "Who-" She tries to slap his hands off and finds she can't. She switches gears, fighting not an option. She'd already seen what happened back in New York with the other contingencies. Remembered just who had ripped her arms off before Mercy healed them. Her voice held a quiver, "Yes, did you see her?" 

        "Obviously not." Emperor lands beside her. "You said she's present?"

        "We came together." Psychopomp breathes out. A nervous sweat shone on her cheeks, like she finally realized what she was doing. "Knocked me out and left."

        Jesus Christ, she'd switch sides if it meant getting at you.

        Lensless is next to touch down. "Uh, I saw those bombs go off like, right in her face. She's dead. You just know you can't escape without us catching you. I mean, shit, I'd do the same thing but-"

        In goes a breath, out comes a hateful scream, "Dregs!"

        You don't budge. She ruined everything on purpose. Most of the Marks had come from above the house to swarm around her. Only three remain above the house, impassively watching. The maskless one, the tracksuit wearer, the white-clad warrior. Eyes in the sky. If you even put a finger out of your hiding spot, they'd see. It was best to stay put, make her look crazy, let her die, then resume the plan.

        Except Phantom had sensors in his lenses. A sensor he used to scan the area, quickly picking out the outline of your crouched form behind a wall. He was on you. Tearing off the GDA helmet before you could attempt to shove him off. 

        It was you. Oh God, it was really you.

        The helmet falls out of his hands. He hugs you quick, almost imperceptibly so, before the other versions of himself round the corner with Psychopomp in tow. 

        "Stay where you are." The command is for them, not her, as if it'd work anyway. You had no idea how long they'd hold. You're not coming off Narcan so probably more than a millisecond. No longer than forty-five seconds at best.

         You dip down, snatching the helmet, pulling it back on over your head. But they'd all seen. The helmet was a matter of protection and anonymity of emotion. Protection that'd do little against them but still, it was something.

        The collective paused. Marks stiff, most of them anyway. A few seem unaffected, just waiting to see what would happen. Blood is already starting to pool at the top of your nasal passage.

         Psychopomp prowls closer, stopping when she sees a gun the size of her thigh cradled in your arms.

        "Where is Digby?" She demands. Ah, the whereabouts of her heroine skinny brother. That old chestnut.

        You watch the Marks for signs of a cracking hold. Look at Psycopomp, pale with yesterday's bloodloss. And run. 

        You can't deal with all of them at once. This was a one-by-one operation. You needed, "Cecil!" To get you the fuck out of dodge. You needed to regroup. Come back later. Not have Psychopomp fucking ruin everything.

        But the teleporter light doesn't consume you. You are not saved.

        You are grabbed from behind almost soon as your legs started pumping. Arms tight around your midsection. Pulpy eyehole pressing to the side of your visor.

        "Jeez, you're slow." Lensless says.

        "Let go."

        He does. But your control on the others had gone. They could converge on you whenever they wanted and "Cecil, God damn it," won't, "help me!"

        Help doesn't come. Rescue doesn't come. 

        Scars laughs, wiping bloodstains off his suit to little avail, "You're on your own. He never comes if it means his own neck." Just like Cecil had warned.

        Psychopomp moves through their ranks. Not accepted in, but so insignificant there'd be no point in killing her. They all had to wait for Angstrom anyways. 

        "Where is he, Dregs?"

        You're on your own unless you convince her to work with you. "Last our guys saw, he fell into the lava pits when Invincible fought Doc Seismic." You lie through your teeth. The first thing you could think of while tying in Invincible. 

        "Bullshit!" She calls. The Marks frame her back. Watching. Curious about you, your life, your enemies, your petty human squabbles. "He couldn't be in Washington, he couldn't drive."

        Crossed arms tensed over a red-white chest. "Keep speaking to my wife like that and your other arm is gone." 

        Psychopomp looks. Visabily shaking at the Omni-Man impersonator's presence. 

        You ignore him. "Machine Head sent him to do mule work there to pay off his debts." You go on, rolling with the story. "Best not to tell you so you couldn't bail him out again." 

        Her eye twitched. "I was the last person who saw him alive in New York, Dregs. Don't lie after you said that cryptic shit at the GDA. Don't I deserve to know- don't you still care about me a little bit?"

        No, but you don't say that. Instead, you pivot, "If those motherfuckers behind you don't die right now there'll be no justice system to help you find out what happened."

        Mohawk cackles, "Hah! That's so code for she killed that guy!"

        "Is it?" Psycopomp asks. 

        "Don't listen to them." You insist, fingers tightening around the pulse rifle. "They destroyed the planet, Psych. Don't be stupid. Work with me here."

         "If the planet's already destroyed, how is she going to take you to court? 'S better if you just get revenge right now." Scars grins. Knowing exactly what buttons he's pushing. 

        You have to tell the truth. Make her so blind with hatred that waiting years for supe-prisons to be rebuilt just for you to rot didn't even seem like an option.

        "Alright, fine." Your breaths come short and humid under the visitor. You're not sure you should be saying this. Before it'd definitely get you killed for sharing confidential business information, but Machine Head was out of the picture so who was going to punish you- God? "Digby's somewhere in the Colorado River." At that, her face falls, a single tear slipping hot down her cheek. His death had always been a suspicion, no evidence, no confirmation. No CCTV. Nothing. All set up by Machine Head's men. But now it was confirmed, after two years of searching, wondering. 

        "So he's..."

        "Dead, yes."

        "And you..."

        The sorrow is morphing, unstable, but in a state so fresh and raw you could mold it to your advantage. The only card you had left to play. "I had to. You know how our line of work is. If you want to kill me, I get it but if you want the actual privilege of doing me in yourself- help me deal with these assholes first." You knew the undead civilians would do nothing to them, but a minor distraction was the best thing you could pull out of this situation she'd forced you both into.

        She blinked. Tears coming faster, faster. "You..."

        You see one of their fingers twitch, wondering when he should step in. 

        "You can't kill me if they do first, Michelle." Her name is a slap to the face. Only passed about in private, such as your apartment air mattress. Anger reddens her. She's shaking her head, mentally trying to ward off your manipulation. Hands are flexing now. 

        "Kill you? What? No, babe, I'm here to take you home." Mohawk says loud and clear for all to hear. Taking a mallet to your plans.

        "He's lying." You say. "You saw that one," you nod toward Emperor Shoulder Pads, "had me by the throat. He's trying to trick you." Except you didn't think he was. 

        "You made me do it." Shoulder Pads replies. "But I wasn't going to k-"

        "Shut your mouth." You turn back to Psychopomp, desperate, "These people are not our allies or enemies of an enemy. They are going to finish the job and kill us both if you don't do something." 

        And Psychopomp saw right through your flimsy manipulation. "You're scared of what I'm going to do to you."

        She wasn't listening. You had to go in, hard, unnecessarily brutally honest. Full-on nuclear blast.

        "I didn't have to tell him to kneel." You say, telling the truth to her for once, "He knew he was screwed. You knew how deep in debt he was to Machine Head, but you just kept letting him use. Telling yourself he'd quit before he overdosed. He knew he'd never be able pay and never be able to stop." Her hands come up and start to glow. You hoped those zombies would be pointed anywhere but at you. "He wanted to die. He knew he couldn't give his daughter a good life and knew Shelly was too religious to abort."

        "Shelly-" She says, dimly remembering his brother's girlfriend. Remembering she hadn't seen her in years. The last time she saw her was with Digby. For awhile she blamed Shelly, then there was you. Machine Head. A tip from a friend. "-Was pregnant?"

        "Oh shit." One of them says. You don't look to see who.

        "Five months." You supply. "She didn't want to die but she walked in, couldn't be helped."

        "You killed my niece?" It was more a question than a statement.

        "Machine Head would've killed me if I hadn't, Michelle."

        "You killed my brother!" Her fingers curl, as if sucked in by the light vortexes of power in her palm. "My family!" The only she had left.

        Mouths twist into smiles and horrified frowns at your cruelty. 

        You don't know where to aim the pulse rifle. At them or her. "You can kill me when this is over. Fuck, throw me in the slammer even."

        "I don't give a shit about justice!" The houses around you stir with dead residents coming to life, "I'm going to fucking kill you- now!"

        "Listen!" You were losing control of the situation. Once the action started, you weren't sure you'd be able to escape. 

        "No! Jail isn't enough! I've seen what you can do. I've been there to see the kinda shit you make people do. There is something wrong with you, and you just need to die." She can't stop crying.

        The first of the undead shamble out of their broken homes. They aren't slow. On you in what feels like moments. You're forced to turn to fire green blasts into their heads. Stepping out of the way of their still reaching hands when they fall. 

        "God- Jesus- Damn it." You elbow, pistol whip, kick, and shoot at the growing horde but it's too much. You'll be overwhelmed soon. "Stop being stupid. They'll kill you." 

        They look like they will. Phantom surges forward to save you but is grabbed by the ankle by Scars.

        "I want to see this." He says.

        Phantom forces himself still. He must not reveal how deeply you'd infected him. So he watches, waiting for things to be dire enough to actually justify jumping in. As do the others, who felt that tickle of desire to play hero. 

        Some, Mohawk, Scars, Lesnless, watch because it's so nice seeing you kill. There were other approving glances, but so quiet and unnoticeable you didn't catch them in your panic.

        "I don't care! I don't fucking care!" The buzzed hair atop her scalp seems to bristle at the sight of you still living. Her palm glows brighter, extending her reach much as she can with the bloodloss. "Die! Just die!"

        No amount of coaxing will do it. You made a bet and lost. You had to take whatever winnings you could still scrap.

        You let decrepit hands hit the body armor. Forcing yourself through the crowd of gored families. Whacking heads and shoulders to make a clear lane for you to aim- and fire. The first shot is taken by a women with no eyes. She goes down. More zombies surge to block your shots. 

        The Marks twitch with nervous energy. Thinking of jumping in, but uneasy to show their weakness for you in front of the others. Deciding if you're not out in ten more seconds, they'll do something.

        You take a breath, steadying as your line of sight crowded with the dead. Their teeth gnawing at your arms and ankles. Weak fists at your back. And shot, once, twice, thrice through the bodies until the fourth blast goes through Michelle's head. Spitting her face from the top of her lip to her buzzcut. 

        Michelle hits the ground. Brains splattering on the pavement. Her minion's grip and teeth loosen. 

        Arms scoop under your knees, support your back faster than you can breathe. Taking off before you can think to scream. Shooting toward the clouds. The rifle falling out of your hands.

        He couldn't take it anymore. Seeing you covered in blood. Seeing you holding that weapon. You weren't supposed to be like that. Supposed to look like that.

        "I thought I lost you." You feel the rumble of his chest. Black and blue carbon fiber suit rubbing against your body armor. You have to force your head up against the sudden G-force. Mask covering all but the horror and relief in his tone. You can see the shell of your mask reflected back in those blue lenses. 

        You don't think just speak, "Let me go."

        He does. Involuntarily. Mortified that he did. Unmoving, waiting for your next command but you drop so fast, scream so loud, it never comes. He watches as you plummet five-thousand feet.

        "Catch me! Catch me now!" No one could hear you over the whistling of the wind. 

        All that fighting. Days of angsting, building up their deaths in your head. Only to kill one, then yourself on accident. Way to go, idiot.

        You see a white flash. Feel yourself stop. Your body jerks against the suddenness. Head snapping back, whacking against a solid arm. You are gone, nothing but black swimming unconsciousness. 

        "She's fine." You hear him say, Mark for sure, but in a tone you hadn't come to know. "To my understanding, humans can not withstand sudden changes in atmosphere."

        "Let me see! I wanna see if she's still breathing." Mohawk, definitely. "Hey, dickhead! You almost fuckin' killed her! You happy up there!? Yeah, you better stay away from me, pussy."

        "She is." The new Mark says evenly. 

        Another comes to volley. "We should get back to the rendezvous." 

        Green light penetrates past your closed eyes. Making them twitch and flutter open just in time to see him step into existence. Red lights screwed into his supermassive brain. Metal welded to his body. Power pooling at his feet, sustaining himself in the air. "No need." Eyes, one brown, the other milky with blindness, slide to you, "The location doesn't so much matter, as long as we have the guest of honor."

[illuminetic]

Some thoughts about Mel King, Kingdon, autism, and sexuality under the cut.

So I can't help but get a little peeved by this because it's personal for me — as an autistic woman who loves sex yet often gets infantilized by people who know me in real life because I'm supposedly so 'cute' and 'pure' — but GOD. I cannot stand when I see comments from people about Mel King being so 'sibling coded' with Langdon. And the thing is, I understand not everyone will ship them, and that's not a problem at all. I have a life outside of the internet so I don't really care in that deep a way lol. And I don't even entirely blame people who say they're like siblings, because Patrick Ball DID said he felt that way about Taylor and that was how he kind of conceptualized the Mel/Langdon relationship to begin with. But at the same time, I just feel like a lot of the 'omg they're so siblings!' chat is based in the belief that Mel can't be sexually desirable to a man who is traditionally handsome in the way Frank Langdon is. Or people are uncomfortable imagining Mel might have sexual desires or a sexual life at all, with Langdon involved or otherwise.

And then also there's this fine line too of some people saying they head-canon Mel as asexual and/or aromantic — and it's like. I'm not necessarily pissed at that or think it's a problem, because we all want representation and project our own traits onto characters to better understand ourselves or draw comfort. And again — I've heard that apparently Taylor Deardon said that's a valid interpretation of the character. And it is! But it's also like. Oh. So we're completely de-sexualizing the autistic girl. Cool. That makes sense — she's a little socially awkward and nerdy so of course she's not interested in sex! And even if she was interested in all that icky stuff her handsome coworker would never be into sex with her omg that would be so weird they're so siblings coded!!

Idk. This is nuanced — because again, if you're asexual I would never want to say it's wrong to conceive of Mel that way. We're all just playing barbies in our heads with our blorbos, I get it. I'm literally projecting my own sexuality onto Mel because I relate to her, so I guess I've actually just entirely talked myself out of being angry at all lol. So to any and all asexuals who headcanon Mel that way, keep doing you.

It's just a personal annoyance for me more than anything to see comments that imply Mel is a non-sexual being, as someone who sees myself in her a lot and also happens to really like sex. I feel like, because of the social cues I miss sometimes, and the way I am at work and in my personal life with friends and stuff — I am constantly fighting against the belief that I'm somehow 'innocent' or 'naive' when it's like. bud. I've literally had the kinkiest sex. I go to a sex club fairly regularly where I have sex with and/or in front of strangers. In fact, I'd argue part of the reason I like sex so much — and particularly kinky sex — is BECAUSE of the autism. I've noticed, from my time being in the community, that the kink world is filled with people on the spectrum lol. Makes sense — kink is all about rules and structure, controlled and safe (yet intense!) physical sensation. All things that attracted me to the lifestyle because I'm autistic, and the straightforwardness and clarity of communication about sex in the kink community felt like such a god-damned relief to me after struggling to have a sex-life out there in the neurotypical world.

Anyway. Long story short I'm just saying it's absolutely Frank who is the vanilla one in the Kingdon relationship. He's been married for years to someone I assume was probably his college girlfriend. 'Kinky' for him is breaking out the fuzzy hand-cuffs for anniversary sex or something, maybe some light spanking thrown in idk.

To end — I need someone to write a fic where the Pitt-crew plays never-have-I-ever during a night out, and Mel gets shit-faced and has to put down all her fingers before anyone else because there's so little she hasn't done. People keep throwing out more and more outrageous things, eyes going saucer-wide, and Mel's ears are burning but also she just keeps putting fingers down, throwing back shots, and raising a scornful eyebrow at anyone who dares to doubt her or make some comment like 'but Mel you don't seem like that type at all!!'

And Frank is. Sitting there quietly vibrating. Horny as hell. Having some thoughts and feelings about the fact that he knows Mel owns a strap now.

[shizuturnspages]

May I please request scaramouche and childe with a darling who runs away on their wedding day because she is terrified of them and just wants to live an independent and peaceful life away from the fatui? How would they react ?

The Runaway Vow

Synopsis: You thought if you stayed obedient, quiet, and didn’t struggle, they'd eventually let you live your life. But when the wedding bells chimed and the Fatui watched on with eerie reverence, your soul screamed. You ran. You didn’t look back. You only wanted freedom. But monsters like them don’t take rejection well. Pairings: [Separate] Yandere Scaramouche, Childe x Reader

Scaramouche – The Broken Doll's Rage

The silk of your wedding dress fluttered behind you like a ghost of the life you were meant to live—fragile, immaculate, and utterly suffocating. The palace the Fatui built for the occasion had high walls and higher expectations. Scaramouche had insisted on the finest details: imported Mondstadt wine, Liyuen gemstone embroidery, Inazuman cloth, Snezhnayan orchestras. And yet, every opulent choice was a lock on your cage.

You had been silent too long. Obedient too long. You smiled through your dread, hoping he’d grow bored and forget the vows he claimed would "bind you together for all eternity."

But the truth was: he never intended to let you go.

The moment you disappeared, panic didn't take him—rage did.

“She ran?” Scaramouche’s voice cracked in disbelief as he stood in front of the shattered mirror you had used to sneak out through the servant hall.

You didn’t even leave a note.

“Where was security? Where was everyone?” His shriek echoed off the marble walls, wind, and lightning beginning to stir around the palace in unnatural tremors. He tore through the corridors, tearing down flowers, silk, and anything painted in white.

“She was mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.” His voice grew more distorted with each repetition. You weren’t just a bride. You were his proof—his proof that someone could love a "puppet" who had no heart. He had worked so hard to appear kind, patient even—biting down every violent instinct, every twisted urge just for you.

And now? You’d thrown it back in his face.

“Fine,” he muttered, voice dangerously calm. “Let’s not pretend anymore. I’ll rip the world open if I have to.”

The sky darkened with a storm that bore no weather pattern—only his rage.

He would find you.

He would carve your name into fate if he had to.

And when he did, you’d learn: a doll doesn’t let go of the only warmth it’s ever known. Not even if it breaks that warmth apart in the process.

Childe – The Smile That Didn't Reach His Eyes

Childe’s wedding smile was sharp.

Not out of joy—no, that smile was for the people watching. The Fatui agents. The Tsaritsa’s court. Everyone needed to believe this was a perfect union.

You had been quiet lately. Withdrawn. He thought it was nerves.

Maybe a part of him knew. Maybe that's why he kissed you on the forehead the night before and whispered, “You’d never run from me, right, darling?”

You had smiled, and lied: “Of course not.”

The ceremony was full of pomp. Soldiers in polished armour. Snezhnayan nobility. A chilling orchestra that rang out in victory.

But when the violins reached their crescendo and your cue came, the aisle was empty.

And Childe’s heart stopped.

The guests began murmuring. Fatui agents subtly reached for weapons, unsure of what this meant. But Childe didn’t speak. He stared down the aisle as if you’d simply been delayed. As if the vision of you in white would appear at any moment.

She’s coming. She’ll walk through that door and smile like always. She wouldn't—

The double doors remained closed.

He left the altar.

His knuckles were white.

He didn’t need to ask the agents stationed by your quarters. He already knew.

And the first thing he did was order them not to chase you.

“No,” he said calmly, brushing imaginary lint off his lapel. “I’ll handle it. Myself.”

The guests were dismissed. The music ended. The palace quieted.

Then he snapped.

Furniture shattered, portraits ripped from the walls, an entire courtyard frozen and crushed under his fury.

And yet, even in that rage, he whispered your name with something heartbreakingly tender.

“Why’d you run, love?” he murmured to the cracked wedding ring in his hand. “Wasn’t I good to you? Didn’t I give you everything? All I ever asked for was you. Just you.”

He wouldn’t let anyone else search. Because if anyone touched you, if anyone even looked at you, he couldn’t be responsible for what he'd do.

He’d find you himself. And when he did… he’d cry. He’d scream. He’d kiss you like you were glass and then shatter you anyway, just to glue you back together.

Because if you were too afraid to stand beside him at the altar, then he’d find a way to kneel at your feet and make you love him back.

Even if he had to break everything else to do it.

[asha-mage]

Something I've been thinking about a lot since Goldeneyes is Perrin's line "Not a solider among us and yet you are the only one afraid to die" to Padan Fain and how it really captures the Two Rivers broader place as a Vietnam allegory, something that easily could have been lost in the show.

In the books Jordan writes the Two Rivers' struggle with serious parallels to the Vietnam war. A pair of outside forces- the Whitecloaks and the Trollocs- march into a foreign largely rural area both intending to occupy it for their own aims. And while the Trollocs are their out of simple fear and the promise of violence, the Whitecloaks are, in theory, there on the justification of a broader idealistic struggle.

And yet the Whitecloaks face a constant crisis of morale, as the murky politics and unsound tactics of the occupation create doubt, and the increasing violence carried out in the name of vaguely defined goals and uncertain outcomes erodes their sense of moral authority. This is worsened by 'allies' such as Padan Fain, who commit gleeful war crimes of such excessive cruelty they unsettle even the pretty flexible sensibilities of the of the Whitecloaks....while also carrying the official sanction of the Whitecloak leader, and operating nominally towards the same goals. While the Whitecloaks do help against the Trollocs to a limited degree, it is clearly not their intended priority- as Perrin notes their help seems almost accidental, and in a way it is. On the surface their there to fight Shadow, but in reality they are not here for anything of the sort. Both groups are here to try and lure Rand out, for the Shadow so that they can psychologically torment him in the hopes of breaking his spirit, and for the Whitecloaks so that he be used as a pawn in Niall's efforts to unite the Westlands under his rule- which means for the most part terrorizing innocent people and focusing on inconsequential battles like book banning and hunting Aes Sedai, instead of doing anything meaningful to actually help anyone. Dain ultimately realizes this (or at least enough of it) which is root of his crisis of faith, which he resolves mostly by drinking and tormenting himself, because this runs so counter to what he has been raised by his father to believe about the Children of the Light and their purpose.

It's also this combination of factors that lead to the Two Rivers uniting under Perrin- who carries out what amounts to a guerilla war against the Trollocs and the Whitecloaks both. Using superior knowledge of the terrain and a quickly constructed network of support from farmers and other locals, Perrin launches a series of highly successful ambushes and raids meant, not to win any open battles, but to inspire fear and make the task of actually holding the Two Rivers impossible for either group.

And this works because ultimately the Whitecloaks aren't committed to the conflict. It's one thing to use the threat of force to bully small groups into compliance- it's another to take and hold miles of farmland and in the face of popular opposition- common men and women who want nothing more then to be in left in peace and live their lives. It's a bloody, draining mire that saps the morale of the Whitecloaks, even despite their deeply ingrained indoctrination, and in Dain's case even begins to erode his faith in the ideals the Children stand for. Their not their to bring the Light to the Two Rivers, their there because of a calculation made in a room none of them have set foot in- a piece on a chess board carelessly tossed out without regarding for their humanity, to do bloody work judged necessary by a politician with an agenda utterly divorced from the lived reality of the people he is presiding over.

The Two Rivers folk have everything to loose and as a result nothing to fear. They will never stop struggling, and ultimately the Whitecloaks and the Trollocs can not outlast their determination- they fear dying more then they want whatever their is to gain out of scouring the Two Rivers.

[linkspooky]

CHIHIRO IS NOT A HERO

So once again it's time to make a post where it seems like I'm hating on everyone's favorite character. Chihiro is a pretty unique main character, and unlike the main characters of most revenge centered storylines a lot of time goes to developing Chihiro's soft side. He spends the first arc trying to protect a child, in the auction arc he gives up the tool of his revenge to protect Hakuri and even goes out of his way to lecture Hakuri's father for abusing his son. There is a lot of humanity and depth to Chihiro's character and a lot of people use that to ignore the darker parts of his character.

At the same time Chihiro is a mass murderer with a body count in the hundreds at this point. One redditor has the count at about 203 people and it's probably only grown since then.

Chihiro slaughters people en masse without the slightest hint of hesitation or remorse. They're all crimminals yes, low level mooks for the Samura organization or servants of the Sazanami family or whoever Chihiro is fighting this week but that's still 200 human lives. And I'm pretty sure not every single one of the people Chihiro killed kicked puppies every single morning, drank, then went home to beat their wives and children.

Over two hundred people who could have turned a new leaf and done some good for the world if they had lived, who probably had family members or loved ones are all dead and the only reason that we don't really feel this number is the story never really stops to dwell on them. Imagine if Chihiro beheaded one of these guys and then it launched into a five chapter flashback about how this man was just hard on money because he went through so much misfortune in life and he needed money to pay for his wife's cancer treatments, and then in the last chapter of the flashback as the man dies it cuts to the doctor pulling the plug and letting the man's wife die because he wasn't there to make the payment.

If we got to see the story from any of the hundreds of faceless people that Chihiro killed, then Chihiro would kind of come off looking like an asshole but we don't really see that because the story is mostly centered on Chihiro. This is what I mean when I use the term "Protagonist-centered Morality", it's always good to try to pay attention to the way that the story uses framing to support or question the protagonist's actions.

One of the first secnes in Kill Bill is the Bride killing a little girl's mother in front of her, as revenge for what the mother Copperhead did to her years ago. If the story were told from the point of view of the little girl rather than the Bride, the daughter wouldn't care about the Bride's motivation she'd only be focused on avenging the death of her mother. The same way that the Bride can't see that she is actively creating a new victim by depriving a child of a mother, to pursue her own path of revenge.

"Protagonist-Centered Morality" is a term I use when a story wants us not to question the morals of a protagonist, so they tend to cheat using perspective or framing to make it so the protagonist is always in the right. In the example above, you don't really question the Bride's action of killing Coppheread because her daughter never shows up again.

However, I think Kagurabachi is aware of protagonist centered morality and has been trying to subvert it from the get go. The narrative is just attempting to use subtler methods to call out the fact that Chihiro's revenge is not moral or just, and also is incredibly short sighted.

This begins even in the first arc of the story, where Chihiro is forced to acknowledge that while he believed his father created the enchanted blades as tools used to protect others, someone else could interpret those swords as just tools for death and destruction.

The fight ends with Chihiro being forced to agree with the remorseless killer that yes, these swords which Chihiro had always told himself his father created to protect others and defeat evil are ultimately just killing tools.

Chihiro has to accept a point of view that is contrary to his own, and has to conclude that their point of view is equally as valid because despite the fact that Chihiro personally knew his father and knew his father's intentions in creating the swords what he created were nonetheless weapons of mass destruction and it's easy to see how a complete outsider can only see these weapons as what they were created to be... you know... weapons.

Chihiro until this point didn't want to deal with the morality that if you are going to make a weapon, you usually intend for that weapon to be used to kill someone else. Which is something his father even tried to stress upon him up until he died.

The story doesn't have a problem with protagonist centered morality, in fact as I'm highlighting above the very first arc the story is asking the question "How are you any different from this remorseless mass murderer, huh Chihiro?" However, Chihiro himself suffers from a case of protagonist centered morality. Or you could call it egocentrism. Or just plain old fashioned self-righteousness.

Regardless, Chihiro despite being a character who exists in a morally gray place, killing hundreds of people to get his hands on the magical swords so they won't be used to hurt even more people - Chihiro himself has a very black and white sense of morality. In spite of the fact Chihiro is using these powerful swords to rip hundreds of people limb from limb in the most brutal fashion possible, he answers with a simple "These swords exist to defeat evil and protect the weak."

I will give credit never does Chihiro see himself as aligned on the side of good. From the first chapter onward he aligns himself on the side of the monsters, he is an insane person, he is an evil fighting a greater evil.

At no point does Chihiro ever claim that his actions are good, but he does think they are justified. Which are two different things. Chihiro is never on the side of angels, he says multiple times he believes he will be going to hell after all of this is done, however despite knowing what he is doing is wrong he can willfully justify all the people he has killed to himself. He believes deep down that his actions still fall in line with defeating evil, and protecting the weak.

The moments that Chihiro hesitates are when he is not able to see his enemies as an absolute evil to be slaughtered. Chihiro chides himself for feeling empathy for the other members of the Sazanami family and hesitating because he could understand how much they desired to live up to the expectations of their father.

This is a good thing, it's Chihiro's empathy that leads him to occasionally put his revenge aside to help people like the little girl in the first arc and Hakuri. It's this humanity that the story stresses over and over again that makes him a likable character, but for Chihiro seeing any humanity in his enemies is a problem because he needs to be able to do whatever is necessary in order to destroy evil.

Which means Chihiro can't fight unless he sees his enemy as an absolute evil that needs to be exterminated.

This is of course something which the story the story challenges Chihiro on in every successive arc, but it is also his central and most damning flaw. Chihiro narratives his pain in order to cope. He grew up on hearing the story of his father and the men who fought the war wielding the enchanted blades as heroes. He immortalizes his dead father in those stories.

This has led Chihiro to construct a story where he is the protagonist, fighting evil. He may not be the good guy, but the guys he is fighting are still an unquestionable evil that needs to be exterminated for the good of everyone. In spite of the fact that Chihiro is one mass murderer, hunting down other mass murderers Chihiro still tries to divide the world into good and evil, the innocent and the guilty. If he can justify what he's doing as fighting evil then he doesn't have to stop and question his own actions and keep following his revenge story right to the end.

There's a scene in the new Daredevil show where the Punisher, famed revenge based Marvel anti-hero is surprised that the cops are a huge fan of him and have started shooting performing executions of criminals in his name. Despite the fact that the Punisher's entire character and motive revolves around him dubbing himself judge, jury and executioner of whatever criminal he has decided to kill he is surprised that the cops would take after his example. That's basically Chihiro's entire character in a nut shell.

Chihiro does step by step accept other people's points of view even when they contradict with his own all the way from the first arc, but it also always ends with: "Yeah, but I'm gonna kill you anyway."

Even when Chihiro acknowledges the humanity of the people he's fighting against, the only way he knows how to deal with the situation is to cut them down with thicker bloodlust. There's no peaceful resolution or de-escalation in Chihiro's world, he is trying to break the cycle of violence with even more violence.

It reminds me of one of my quotes from Critical Role.

My friends, I have just taken an audience with the Raven Queen who has snuffed any hope of my redemption, for which I am truly grateful. With new clarity, I can finally see my life as a series of compounding, poor choices. There was nothing I could've done to save my family, yet I still sold my soul in search of vengeance. Later I allowed Ripley to leave, knowing full well she was a greater threat to the world than the Briarwoods would ever be. I traded the world's safety for the belief that I could murder my way to peace; that if I could be a greater horror, it would bring my family back. Once this lie was shattered I scrambled to find a solution, to make a deal, to undo my mistakes and balance the scales. I now understand that there are no scales, there is no redemption, and no ledger that judges me good or evil. I am free to simply be myself and live with the terrible mistakes I've made.

Chihiro believes the lie that he can murder his way to peace and mind, that if he can be a greater horror than the horror he's experienced then he can somehow right the wrong of his father's death.

Chihiro does entertain the idea that he is not much different than the enemies he's fighting over and over again, but he always falls back on a similiar justification.

Hiruhiko is the opposite of Chihiro in a way. Chihiro was raised by a loving father with stories of his father's heroism in order to give him ideals to aspire to. Hiruhiko is a child assassin, who committed his first murder at a young age raised with absolutely nothing else, just a tool who sees no meaning in life or death.

Yet, at the same time they are both children who's childhoods were taken away from them. They are children who were once innocent but have been now groomed into murderers. They are children who experienced a horrific violence at a young age that make it impossible for them to go back to a normal life. They are children who don't even know what it means to go to school, or to hang out with friends.

Hiruhiko can see this similarity between them while Chihiro doesn't, because again of the way they are inversions of one another. Hiruhiko has nothing, no ideals, no close friends, so he seeks them out. He wants friendship because he's never experienced that before in his life. He seeks out something other than death and destruction, connection with a human being even if he can only understand it through the lens of death because that's all he knows.

On the other hand Chihiro is someone how has friendship, and connections to other people, he has love in his life that he deliberately chooses to ignore in his pursuit of revenge. Chihiro has that love and throws it away because it makes him a better killer, and that is why they are opposites. We all make fun of the "every day I wake up with fresh hatred" quote, but that is literally what he is doing. Chihiro is deliberately stamping out any empathy he might feel for his enemies at every opportunity so he can continue cutting them up into hundreds of pieces.

It's all the more alarming because Chihiro is willing to amend his viewpoints. He is starting to question on some level that maybe the people he thought were heroes weren't heroes after all, and he is listening to Samura who says that no matter what his actions are he's going to hell because killing is an absolute wrong. In fact what he respects about Samura is that he was willing to go to hell in order to do the right thing and protect other people.

However, the point remains that Chihiro doesn't really know any way to peace other than slaughtering his enemies. The thought of de-escalation, or healing never even occurs to him. Even Chihiro's respect for Samura's resolve to go to hell for his sins ignores the fact that maybe Samura can be forgiven. Maybe he can turn over another leaf and work to right his wrongs rather than just going to hell forever and being tortured for his sins. Chihiro is so wrapped up in this narrative of justice and punishment for both himself and others he's completely forgotten that forgiveness and healing exists.

Even Chihiro's current stance that he knows that he is a bad guy and will be going to hell for his murders but he intends to take the rest of the bad guy's with him is incredibly toxic and paralleled by Samura himself.

Chihiro's morality is probably the closest to Samura's right now, the man willing to sacrifice both himself and the other sword wielders for the greater good of preventing another nuke from dropping. However, as righteous as Samura is he is also literally blind.

Samura's belief that if he kills all of the sword wielders and then dies himself, going to hell with the Hishaku will be the utlimate good he can achieve with his life ignores the feelings of his daughter. Samura walked all over his daughter's desire to stay with him, deliberately abandoning her and then erasing all memory that he ever existed from her.

It underlines what I'm trying to get at, there may be a certain amount of selflessness in Chihiro and Samura choosing to walk to hell in order to punish the evil of the world but there's no love or empathy on that path. If you choose the path of revenge, then there's no redemption for you or your enemy.

While Chihiro's line of thinking has progressed to Samura's thinking, that he is not a hero, that murder is evil and what he's ultimately doing is evil to serve a perceived greater good he still does not see any alternative pathway he could take besides walking the road to hell.

However, even if Chihiro and Samura were able to accomplish their goals and the only people they sacrificed in the end were themselves that still wouldn't be a good thing because you can't end the cycle of revenge with more revenge. That cycle is just going to keep cycling. You can't murder your way to peace.

This is shown to us in the horrible secret of the war that Samura was made aware of but Chihiro has not yet.

The the people who invaded japan weren't actually monsters to be eliminated but a nation full of people who surrendered, and who were then mass murdered after signing a peace treaty.

This is the extreme to where Samura and Chihiro's logic of becoming evil to fight evil leads. If there's no surrender no chance for a peaceful reconcilitation or an understanding of both sides, then the conflict is just going to keep escalating until one side completely wipes out the other.

And this is where I'm going to use my famous powers of clairyvoyance for a prediction.

This kid right here who's shown cowering in his mother's arms right before the peace treaties were signed. I am goign to bet that this kid is still alive and that he's actually Yura. The big twist we're going to build up to during the confrontation between Yura and Chihiro is that Yura is the last surviving member of that island nation that was wiped out, and his current plans are revenge for what happened to his people.

At that point whose revenge is right? Or maybe, just maybe... the point is revenge is never right.

[mocchiixxx]

Words in Ruin Series # | 02 : Yoon Jeonghan 😇

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Idol Life Realism, Slow-Burn Reconciliation

Warnings: Hurtful words, emotional vulnerability, soft guilt spiral, crying

Summary: Jeonghan snaps under the weight of stress, saying things he never meant to the one person who’s always been gentle with him. But when silence replaces your usual warmth, he realizes some words cut deeper than he ever intended and this time, sorry has to be more than just a word.

💌😇💌

The clock read 1:14 AM.

You sat curled up on the couch, a throw blanket around your shoulders, half a drama playing on the TV you weren’t really watching. Your eyes kept flicking to the door. Again. And again.

You didn’t even hear the key turn— just the sound of it shutting, and Jeonghan's familiar footsteps trailing into the apartment.

“Hannie?” you called out softly, standing.

He glanced up, startled, as if he didn’t expect you to still be awake. His face was pale under the hallway light, his hair tousled, the air around him heavy.

“You’re home late again,” you said gently, careful not to sound accusing. “I was getting worried.”

He exhaled sharply, tossing his bag on the floor without care. “I’m not a kid. I don’t need someone watching over me all the time.”

You blinked.

The tone.

He'd never spoken to you like that before. Not even during your few minor disagreements.

“I’m not trying to watch over you,” you said, fidgeting with your fingers. “I just… it’s been three straight weeks of you coming home past midnight, barely eating, and sleeping for what? Three hours, tops? I’m worried, Hannie.”

He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’m fine. It’s just work. We’re all going through it.”

“I’m not doubting that,” you said, trying to stay calm. “I just want you to take care of yourself. You’re tired, and I—”

“God, Y/N, can you stop?” he snapped, eyes narrowing. “Why does everything have to be about me? You hover like it’s your full-time job.”

You froze.

Your heart dropped, the words lodging deep like tiny glass splinters.

Jeonghan immediately looked away, jaw tight like he was already regretting it— but he didn’t take it back. Not yet.

You stepped back slightly, the silence thick between you.

“I wasn’t hovering,” you said, voice small. “I was… caring.”

Something in that sentence cracked his composure.

“I didn’t ask you to,” he muttered, but even he knew it was cruel.

You didn’t respond this time. Just nodded faintly, turned around, and headed for the bedroom. Your hand lingered on the doorframe for a second longer than necessary before disappearing behind it.

Jeonghan stood there for a beat.

Then two.

Then—

“Shit,” he breathed.

He immediately followed you into the room a few minutes later, guilt trailing him like a shadow.

You were sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away, wiping your cheeks.

“Y/N,” he said softly, not sure how to begin. “I— can we talk?”

You didn’t say anything.

He crossed the room, crouched down in front of you, eyes wide and full of shame. “I shouldn’t have said that. Any of it.”

Your eyes finally met his. “Then why did you?”

His lips parted, but he hesitated. “Because I’m an idiot. Because I’ve been bottling everything up like always. Because I hate burdening people— even you.”

You stared at him, brows furrowed. “You think love is a burden?”

“No!” he said quickly, shaking his head. “No. Never. It’s just… when things get too much, I pretend I’m okay until I’m not. And tonight, I snapped. But you didn’t deserve that. You were being kind, and I was being—”

“Cruel,” you whispered. “You were cruel, Jeonghan.”

That made him flinch.

“I know,” he whispered. “I hurt you. I saw it in your eyes the second the words left my mouth. I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back.”

He reached out carefully, brushing your hand with his. “I just… didn’t want to fall apart. And I think deep down, I knew that if you looked at me like you were really worried, I wouldn’t be able to hold it together.”

You didn’t speak for a moment. Then, “Why wouldn’t you let yourself fall apart… with me?”

His throat tightened. “Because you’re the only peace I have. I didn’t want to taint that with all the chaos I’m carrying.”

You finally met his eyes. “But I want all of you, Jeonghan. Even the tired parts. Even the messy ones. You don't need to protect me from your storms... I just want to be your umbrella.”

Jeonghan let out a trembling breath, reaching up to cup your cheek. “I’ve never deserved you. But I swear, I’ll try to be someone who does.”

You closed your eyes at the warmth of his touch. “Just promise me next time, talk to me instead of shutting down or snapping.”

“I promise,” he said without hesitation. “Even if the words are ugly, I’ll say them before they rot inside me and hurt you again.”

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, and he buried his face into your neck, holding you tighter than he had in days.

“I love you angel, never forget that.” he whispered kissing your neck gently and burying his face to it even more, affectionately.

You smile and kisses his head before replying, “I love you too, hannie.”

In that quiet embrace, Jeonghan let go of the weight he carried and picked up something gentler in its place... you.

Taglist: @babycaratdeul @viacb97

[freezerbnuuy]

I wrote a guide on my main blog on writing SimLit a while back, but I figured I'd amend it to make it more suitable to Tumblr and post it here as well.

Please note, that there is no one way to write SimLit; creative work is always subjective. You do not have to do everything in this guide, obviously- just focus on the bits that apply to you and what you want to write. This is a gathering of my own ideas, the way I do things, and other options as well. Depending on your writing style, some of this will be more relevant to you than other bits will. This is both for the challenge players and the people who write stories with little basis off anything going on in the game.

I have made a story / challenge-planning document that you can read about here that will give you a place to put all your ideas!

The fun part...sort of...is coming up with all your rough ideas. Things to think about are:

. Where you'll put your story: The most popular place for SimLit these days seems to be Wordpress, but there is always Blogger and LiveJournal as another option for a place to put your story. Tumblr is a great place for stories that are more picture-based and less textual, or if you plan to only have dialogue for your story text. Have a look at what different platforms have to offer to see what suits you.

Whilst I would say Blogger is a bit harder to properly customise than Wordpress and you have to rely on custom templates made by other people and some HTML editing if you want a nice blog template, it is very generous in terms of picture limit. To my knowledge, any image under 2048 on the longer width won't count toward your Photo space (as of 2025).

. Narrative or Gameplay-Driven: Some writers will write commentaries to go alongside images of challenges they're doing. Some write commentary for their general gameplay. Others use Sims solely as a way to 'direct' a story they've come up with themselves instead. Others make comics. Some do a mix of various things... Have a think about what kind of story you want to do. It might even change halfway through writing, you never know!

. Genre: You won't always have an easily-defined genre for your story, but you might have some ideas. Romance, Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Horror, Family...the options are more or less endless. 

. Custom Content: If you use CC, it can help to look for CC you might need for your story- whether that's poses, CAS items or Build/Buy items. 

. How you will plan your story: Some SimLit authors write entirely around the game and don't pre-plan anything (brave people you are going by the seat of your pants, I used to do this but now I could never), but others like to plan story points and character notes beforehand. There are plenty of ways to plan your story, whether that's jotting ideas in a notebook or on a word processing document. There is one I already made linked at the beginning of this section.

There are also programs like Scrivener designed for writers to plan stories (it's not free, though). It depends how in-depth you need to plan things out before you write. With me, it really depends. Some story ideas, I have most of the plot planned in my head from the get-go. Other times, I only have a rough idea and have to go from there.  

. What challenge you will do: If you want to write a commentary/story around a challenge, look for one you'll find fun first. Long or short? What rules will you change or omit? How much will you let the challenge and game drive the story? Will you be writing commentary, or will you be writing in a narrrative-type style inspired by what happens in the challenge?

. Rough plot / character ideas: Write down any plot or character notes that immediately come to mind, even if you don't know if you will use them. Anything that comes to you straight away is a good place to build on later and should be jotted down whilst it's still fresh in your mind.

. How you will write your story: - Commentary VS. Narrative: Will you write a commentary around your screenshots/gameplay, or will you write it in the style of a prose-like story? You can also mix both of these approaches in various ways.

Or do you want to go about it in a different way? Maybe you could use your screenshots to make a comic-style story. Another option is to possibly have something like an epistolary novel (written almost entirely in letters) or even a 'scrapbook story' (a story told in multiple ways with multiple artifacts- letters, newspaper clippings, phone calls, almost anything).

- Tense and Viewpoint: Will you write in past tense or present tense? Will you write in third person, or first person? How many different characters' viewpoints will you have if you write in first person? (...Or are you like me, and will accidentally switch between tenses throughout the whole story?)

. Themes: It's good to think more in-depth of what themes will appear in your story. Family bonds, friendships, relationships in general, dealing with various aspects of life, prejudices, overcoming fear...the list goes on forever. Whilst I personally don't like reducing stories to tropes, tropes are always a place to start if it works for you.

. General length: Do you want to ideally write a short story, or something longer? This won't always be something you'll have in mind straight away, but that's fine. 

. How much to plan and when to start: It's up to you how much you need to pre-plan and when to start writing, but I don't start writing until I'm at a point where I know that the story can be resolved. I don't start writing straight away, in case I end up with a story I somehow can't finish. 

. Upload frequency: You won't always stick to this, since most of us are busy, sad and tired adults- but it's good to try and think about how often you want to upload chapters. Are you aiming for weekly, monthly, or just whenever you manage to get a chapter out? What I will say is please TRY NOT TO STRESS about schedules. If your readers are impatient that's their problem and they can wait until you're ready!

. Gather inspiration: Whether it's authors, shows, films, art, music...anything that gets you in the right mood and frame of mind for what you want to do. Moodboards are sometimes a good idea as well for collecting inspiring pictures. Make inspiring playlists of songs that get you in the mood for the story or characters.

. The sliding scale of 'Utopia' and 'Dystopia': On a scale of 'Paradise' to 'Hell-hole world', what's the rough state of the world in your story like? Maybe it isn't that simple, but it helps to have an idea if it's thematically relevant somehow.

. Any messages or lessons: Are there any messages you hope to get across in your story, or anything that a reader may be able to learn from it at all? Not always the case with every story, and this is not the sort of thing that you'll do intentionally. For my own story, it's very much just a snapshot of history so there isn't really much of a defined moral to the story.

This is geared more towards people who are writing mostly story-driven SimLit, since commentary and gameplay-driven stories often don't require any sort of major world-building. That, and the challenge you are doing might already have the worldbuilding situation laid out for you, like the Apocalypse Challenge or the Alien Adoption challenge, but I'll build on this a bit too.

As someone who has been Game Master for DnD and Pathfinder, I'm used to fleshing out worlds, building on lore and the like- and being a Game Master often requires you to do it on the spot sometimes. For me, it's good to have some level of lore and world-building written out. I like having a certain set of 'rules' to stick with, mainly to help keep consistency of the universe's 'rules'. This is especially important with my Magic Universe since the magic system needs a level of consistency I have to try and stick to. (That said, I have occasionally changed tiny less-significant bits of lore as I go...shh...don't tell anyone!)

But where do you start with such a thing? First off, this isn't something you have to do in massive levels of detail (unless you want to!).

Here's the general way of how I do things. Feel free to pick and choose which bits will apply to your story; you don't have to pre-plan every little last detail about your world if you don't need/want to.

--Starting with the already-established relevant worlds and lore--

I almost always start out with the 'official' stuff first. You can find this in-game, in item and world descriptions, in trailers, and on Sims Wikis. Sims isn't the most lore-heavy game for obvious reasons, but now and again you've got something to work with. It all depends on exactly what you're writing about, and how much your story will revolve around the actual Sims universe. 

--Seeing what I want to keep from the already-established worlds and lore, and what to get rid of--

I don't keep everything all of the time, and it's unlikely you will either. Sometimes your idea is better, or fits better with what you've already got in mind. Or perhaps the Sims 'lore' behind the thing is too comical and wouldn't fit a slightly more serious story.

--Start stealing ideas! (Go careful though)--

Writers worry way too much about originality, but everyone takes little bits of ideas off each other all of the time- everything is inspired by something. That, and in my opinion there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing a story that’s a ‘love letter’ to a genre with all the tropes and cliches you can think of. 

So gather up some inspiration and see what ideas others have; have a quick read of SimLits that are similar to your idea. Look at the lore behind shows or video games that are the same genre as you are writing. Think about your favourite shows, films and video games as well. Or even look at the official Sims forum or Tumblr to see what people have done with worlds, premade characters and the like. On the official forum, there are a lot of ‘What have you done with…’ threads where people discuss what they have done with premades and in-game places.

One thing I tend to focus on the most when worldbuilding, is the sort of socio-political aspect of the world. 'But why does everything have to be political?', you say, but everyone's life is governed by social and political ideas - some more than others, so for me it's what makes up a big chunk of the worldbuilding because of how much it influences the characters living in that world. That, and a few big historical events I tend to think of as well to flesh the world out. If this sounds like something you feel like delving into, then here's some ideas:

NOTE: Some of this won't apply to your world or focus, so just ignore the stuff that isn't relevant to your story.

--Events in history leading up to your story--

This will depend entirely on what you story is about, but events to think about are:

. Inspiring figures from the past: For example, if you're writing about vampires, are there any in history who are still iconic to this day? What made them iconic?

. Any miscellaneous important events? My more specific ones are geared more towards conflict, but there's always going to be important events that happened that stay with people that happen in the world and they aren't always going to be bad. (Yes, the author of Divided really did just say that.)

.Changes in laws and/or major attitudes towards groups: Were there any rules or legislations that came into play that completely shook the world of your story?

.Conflicts: Wars and other major conflicts in history will linger around for years and years in various ways

Modern society 

This is looking at your present day in the story in more depth. This can help you with characterisation as well- how has modern society affected your character and their development and current attitudes? 

. Attitudes towards certain groups: Who or what is celebrated in society? Who has to deal with negative attitudes and why? How are people choosing to fight back, positively or negatively, against positive or negative change? Is there any prejudice at all, or is your world almost entirely accepting of different types of people?

. General morale: How happy are the different groups of people in your world? Is there still need for change, or are people more or less okay with the way things are? Is there an imbalance in the welfare of different groups and why?

. What's/who's popular: From people to events relevant to the story you're trying to tell, what's popular and well-known? Are there any events or people that are causing change or debate that might be addressed later?

. Fashions: It helps to think about what's fashionable in your universe sometimes, but maybe that will all depend on what kind of CC you can get a hold of.

. What the future holds: What ideas do people have for the way things may change as time passes?

-

Magic, superpowers, or other power systems

If your story has some kind of system of 'special' power- magic, or superhero powers, certain chemicals, powers granted from deities or the like- it's good to have some rough idea for how they work:

. Is this power innate? Can it be learned? Is it within the person, or is it an outside source of some kind?

. Is this power a finite or infinite source? Is it a physical object, is it ethereal/energy, a chemical, etc?

. What limits are there to the use of this power? When can it/can't it be used? What downsides are there to using this power (illnesses, magical overcharge, death, etc)? What consequences are there for overuse of the power?

-

Beliefs and belief systems

Your story might have some sort of 'collective' belief systems- common superstitions, or religions like Sims Medieval’s Jacoban or Peteran faiths, or maybe even cults. If so, it's good to outline those, though the amount of detail you'll need for it will depend on the kinds of beliefs and the story you're telling.

. What are the core / defining rules / lessons /ways of living of this belief?

. What actions/attitudes etc are rewarded, and what attitudes are frowned upon? What rewards and punishments are there for such things, if any?

. How has this belief system affected other people outside of that belief system? What do 'outsiders' think of the belief and the people that practice it?

. Are there any key figures in this belief system? Are they real objects/people, metaphysical beings, or are they not real at all? 

. Are there any specific meetings or practices etc. associated with this belief? 

. Do people of this belief own specific special clothes or objects? What significance do they have?

IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: When it comes to world-building, ALWAYS go careful when using any real-life cultures, beliefs or events outside of your own culture etc- especially those of marginalised groups. Try to do your research as thoroughly as possible.

To avoid potential upset or misrepresentation, I either rely on fictional creations or keep things vague. For example, I'm using the lore behind the Sims Medieval's Jacoban and Peteran religions in an upcoming story to avoid making a fictional religion that people might mistake as a parody of an existing one.

Do any research you need to do

Once again, how in-depth you go depends on how far you want to go- how realistic you want it to be, how historically-accurate you want it to be...Sometimes it's good to just have enough to get a rough idea of something to add on to. For example, if you're doing a historical story, it might be worth just seeing what big events happened, social taboos, etiquette etc. just to get a feel for the rough world of your story. For anything that isn't an important topic, I'm not bothered if it's inaccurate. For example: if it turns out the soft background science of something in my work is a bit wonky, I don't entirely care. However, for serious subjects like mental health etc, I always make sure to get a good idea of what I'm doing before I write it. If I get it wrong, I could end up spreading massive misconceptions and that's the last thing I want to do. -

World-building towns and cities

Not everyone's story is going to have a huge deal of focus on this sort of thing, and additionally to the top you might want to go even further with building onto what's already given to us. So here's some other things that might be worth thinking about if you want to do a bit of extra fleshing-out for the game worlds. When I say 'individual world' I mean the actual playable worlds on their own as opposed to the ts4 worlds altogether at once. If you're doing a challenge and the challenge has worldbuilding aspects, like Alien Adoption Challenge or the Apocalypse Challenge then that is a brilliant thing to give you some level of a framework for some aspects of your story's world.

. Rough population of the individual world etc.

.Landmarks and their significance

.Tourism, what do other people like to do whilst they're there

.What sorts of people tend to live there

. What the individual world is known for the most, what puts them 'on the map', so to speak

Characters are my main focus as both a writer and a reader. I can have a good story with great characters and a thin plot, but a story with a great plot and boring characters is never going to interest me. They can also be difficult to come up with ideas for. Here is a rough idea of how I come up with characters, and how I build on pre-made characters.

Some people have written 'character interviews' - these can sometimes be helpful. You fill them out from the characters' point of view, or from a third-person perspective but about the character. The 'Marcel Proust' character interview is a great one to use, since it asks questions that will no doubt be relevant to both the character and the plot later on. Some of them have questions about favourite food, colours etc. but for me, this is more often extraneous than not. Then again, knowing too much about your character for some people is better than not knowing enough.

My own character 'interview' is here. It's technically not an interview and is just a list of things to consider about your character. You may get some use out of it.

First off, before anything: think of what to base your character on, roughly. Think of the traits of people you know or have known, think of aspects about yourself. Of course, we can't forget basing characters off of your favourite fictional characters! 

If you are writing a premade character, and you're unsure on what to expand on, first off look at their in-game traits, any information provided in trailers/promotional material, and then look at fan theories and ideas about the character. Those are good places to start if you're using a premade Sim.

As well as specific characters, think of your favourite traits, archetypes, and development types as well. One of my favourites is the downfall of a character, a tragic character whose constant screw-ups land them in a deeper and deeper mess. Even better when they start going off the rails a bit as well. I also love characters who struggle with others' kindness, who learn to let themselves be loved over time.  

Then you can get to outlining them.

The basics about your character

. Name: Is there any meaning behind this name in-story? Did the character choose it themselves or is it their birth name? What nicknames do they have, if any? Which do they like, and which do they hate? (Names don't have to have meaning. I only use meaningful names in certain contexts- most names are just names I like, names that just fit for some reason, or that a character's parents thought sounded nice). 

NOTE ON NAMES: If you want an authentic name for a character from a specific time period, look at census records for the country if they're available or see if you can find articles on people from that country and time period. You can also Google naming conventions, as they can change within a country over time as well. I also recommend avoiding baby name websites or baby-related websites when you want authentic names for characters that aren't English or American. It's best to find blogs written by people from that country. Sometimes travel blogs for the country will sometimes talk about names, authenticity and such. Sometimes Wikipedia has lists of names as well, but it's worth double-checking any info found there.

. Rough description: Height, rough weight, colours of skin/hair/eyes, the general 'vibe' of their attire or a more in-depth description. Anything notable about them, like specific jewellery, clothes, tattoos or scars/other injuries?

. Identity: This could be anything from where they grew up, gender, race, sexual orientation, or if they are an occult sim or some other made-up species or race. How has their identity affected their life? Do they face any prejudice or mistreatment for any of it at all, or does it give them more of an advantage over others?

. Family: People in a character's family, whether blood family or found family.

.Beliefs: What they do (and maybe don't) believe in.

. Protagonist or antagonist: Not always this black and white for every character, but good to think about your character's rough place in the story. Of course, one can become the other as the story progresses.

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Character-defining aspects 

. General personality traits: You can use in-game traits and Randomise to give you ideas, or you can think of your own personality traits for the character.

. Upbringing: What it was like growing up for them. Who was good to them? Who wasn't? How have these people and experiences shaped who they are today? How was the world different growing up to what it's like now? Does the character mourn the old ways of the world or do they like the change?

. Social class: How has this affected their life?

. Education: Might also connect with upbringing here- how was school/university etc. for them?4

. Goals/dreams: Almost everyone has a goal, even if they never achieve it. Even if it's just getting out of bed to make breakfast and then getting back in again.

. Social life: Extrovert, introvert or somewhere in the middlle? What do they do when they hang out with friends etc?

. Fears: What are they afraid of? What do they do to avoid that fear, if anything?

. Any conditions, illnesses, or neurodivergence: (ONCE AGAIN, go careful when writing things like this and do research where it's needed.) How have they affected the character's life and their outlook in general? How does it affect how others percieve them, if it does at all? If applicable, what caused them?

. If not that, then general physical/mental health: How well (or not) does the character look after themselves in these ways? What do they do for self-care and distraction?

. Likes and dislikes: People, things, events, hobbies...What makes them happy and what makes them want to punch a wall? 

. Character 'flaws': Flaws don't necessarily have to be absolutely-horrible things, it can be just things that can hold the character back in some way. Some things that characters may overcome in a story might not necessarily be flaws as well- for example, introversion isn't a flaw (I wish writers would stop treating it as one), but possibly some characters may seek to try and 'come out of their shell' socially a little. Most characters have some kind of flaw or personality 'aspect' to overcome or learn to deal with, but the best kind of character flaws are the ones that actually get in the character's way in the story. The joy is in seeing how the character overcomes these flaws...or even how the character gives into them more and more as the story goes on. Wretched excess is fun sometimes!

. What they're good/bad at: Where do they excel, where do they need a little practice, and what are they absolutely terrible at?

. Any special ablities or powers: What can this character do? What are the limits of this power? How do they feel about this power? 

. Things they are known for: Whether by friends, family, colleagues or the world. What are they known for? What do people like and dislike about them?

. Ideas for development: How do you (at the moment) see the character changing? If you have any ideas for it, who or what will help to influence that change?

. Relationships with other characters: How they do (and don't) get along with other established characters, and maybe why. -

Things to think about character-wise when writing your story

Once you get to writing your character, here's a couple of things that it helps to think about- though some of it is more relevant if writing in the first person.

. What your character does and doesn't notice: How do they approach the world around them? What sort of things do they notice first in their surroundings?

. Manner of speech: Formal, or informal? Do they have any mottos, catchphrases or words they use often? Do they speak about feelings a lot? Do they lie, and how often? Sometimes what isn't spoken can say as much as what is spoken.

. How they socialise and deal with others: Do they overthink things in discussion? Do they pick up on social cues? Do they often over-analyse the actions of others, or do they let everything go over their head? Are they confident in socialising, or not? Maybe their out-of-dialogue musings are complex, but they keep to not revealing much in their speech.

. How they cope with negative emotions: Do they break down, or blame others? Or do they power through it?

. In connection to some of the above points, think about your character both from the outside and inside: How do others see them? How do they think they come across to others? How do they come across to themselves? And finally, who are they really on the inside?

An important aspect to think about especially is character motivation. I've written this one separately from the bullet points since I think it's especially important given character motivation will play a major part in driving the plot along, as well as relationships with the other characters. This might not be something you'll have a solid answer to until you start writing, but it's good to have some starting ideas.

. In the broadest and simplest sense, what does your character want? Money, fame, honour, redemption, happiness, revenge...Have a think about what it is that they strive for deep down. (If you're struggling for ideas, maybe it might help to look at the in-game Aspirations, or maybe even the Traits will give you some ideas).

. How far are they willing to go to get it? Are there limits they won't go to in order to get what they want? Or are they willing to step on whoever's toes? This might be a change that occurs over the story, that's always an interesting concept. Seeing the well-behaved character slowly and gradually challenge what is acceptable...

. Who, or what 'kickstarted' this motivation? Some people just naturally come to want something, maybe as they grow up and/or their general interests, hobbies etc. change. Some motivations are brought on by events, though. Maybe harm done to a loved one motivates them to seek revenge, or something they did in their past motivates them to seek forgiveness or redemption for their actions. 

For challenge players, you can always define your characters through funny commentary, I always like seeing that. One story had one generation founder constantly break the fourth wall and be the only one who realised they were in a game and it made them stand out in a comical way.

 Let me start off by saying: Plot is my weak point. I struggle to organise ideas when both reading and writing, I always have done. As usual, for plots it's best to think of your favourite plots from stories or a 'stock plot' like The Hero's Journey, Wretched Excess etc. It's also good to think about any potential plot points that come to mind straight away, so then you have starting points and can fill in the gaps- this is generally what I do. And honestly, I don't think it's that bad to re-use themes and plot pieces sometimes. Sometimes it works better to stick with what you're familiar with, than it is to try a thousand things at once that are new or different to you.

Do you see yourself as a 'plotter' or a 'pantser'? I'm a bit of both, though I'm leaning towards more of a plotter now. I wish I could write everything by the seat of my pants, but sadly I can't. 

The way I initially began planning for a longer, more in-depth story is by making a table in a word processing document that is one column wide, with loads of rows. Just one giant row of loads of columns. Each box in this table will be for specific notes, and the order of these notes in the planning table goes like this:

. Title ideas/preliminary ideas: What it says on the tin, and the very, very first ideas for the story.

. Rough story ideas: Any ideas that come to me in the pre-planning stage go here. Ideas for anything at all- screenshots, scenes, lines of dialogue, anything!

.Background information to be aware of: Any relevant lore or research goes here. Sometimes I keep story research in a separate document.

. Previous story points to be aware of: Any previous characters or events to be aware of to aid in consistency.

. Current plot threads: Keeping track of plot threads that need to be resolved in some way, to help prevent plot holes.

. Character info: Character information in varying levels of depth. At this point, this usually only covers main characters.

. Character Development:  This almost always changes halfway through, but this is my plan for how characters will change as the story goes on, and the events and characters that will be catalysts for that change.

. Backstory: Character backstory goes here instead, to keep things organised.

. Ideas for future chapters: Any ideas at all for upcoming chapters, no matter how vague. This also includes things that absolutely have to happen later on.

. Story ideas: Various boxes, all of which have more detailed story ideas. At the moment these are defined by specific events, and these are just for the direction of the story.

. Chapter (X): The main story planning, with one box for every chapter. This is where the story starts to be sorted by chapters as opposed to just events. Things always get swapped around during the writing process: Some things get moved until later, moved to happen earlier, or omitted/changed entirely.

The general idea as I'm going, is that each chapter has to move at least something forward. We learn something new about someone, a character's actions have changed something or caused a consequence, a character has learned something, etc. Somehow things have to be different from the beginning of the chapter to the end of the chapter and that is generally how I go about it. Whilst a lot of people frown on whole chapters that 'info-dump', for some stories it might be necessary- especially for futuristic or alternate history stories where the author will need some filling-in on the general state of this unfamiliar world.

Again, how much you want to/need to plan depends on what you're doing. Nowadays I write narratively, and the game has little bearing on the actual story.

If you're going with a gameplay or challenge-driven story you probably won't need much planning, if any at all.If it helps, it's worth doing what you can to create associations of some type within your planning- whether it's symbols, bold/italic, colour-coding, anything. That might aid you in keeping important bits of the notes tied together somehow, whether it's done by scene, character, important plot points etc.

It may help to highlight important bits as well in your word processor, so you can easily find things you know you have to go back to soon. I sometimes do this since I easily get lost in my own notes...

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Other Planning Ideas

. Starting from the end: It might be easier to go backwards if you come up with your ending before your intro. You can always start with your end point, and then figure out how you got there. 

. Mind-maps: If a massive list of boxes doesn't sound ideal, it might help do a sort of mind-map or flowchart. This is better if you are the sort of person who'd rather take in small bite-sized pieces at a time. You could have one mind-map for the beginning, middle and end, and then do little branches off for different events. And then from those branches, possibly add more for other details surrounding that specific story event, or things to remember for later on down the line. 

. 'Snowflake method': Put simply, it's writing down a simple plot point or idea and then continually expanding on it until it's at the level of detail you need for your plan- the way a typical snowflake's points branch out. As a random example: - Dave goes to get some cheese. - Dave has discovered a monster in his kitchen, and it demands a block of cheese or Dave's life. Terrified, Dave goes out to get some cheese to appease the monster. - A monster that can only live off of cheese is used to eating the bits of dropped cheese off Dave's kitchen floor, but Dave has decided to do more cleaning now his girlfriend is moving in. Desperate for survival, the monster has escaped its hiding place, demanding a block of cheese from Dave for its survival. If Dave does not supply cheese, he will be killed by the monster.

. 'Five-part narrative'/Pyramid: Breaking down your story into the five main parts of most stories: - Exposition: This is mainly setting up the world of your story - the setting, the main goings-on in the area, the characters we will be following throughout the story, and also the driving point which sets the main characters ahead doing plot stuff. - Rising action: The rising action is generally the part where the characters' antics, or possibly something caused by the world around them, sets stakes higher and puts more pressure on them. Perhaps the character has made a grave mistake. People could be after them. Or perhaps some kind of natural disaster has caused massive issues for the character. How will they come to navigate all of this? - Climax: The rise up to the 'turning point' or the height of the drama in your story. Maybe your character finally has some kind of breakdown, their actions have led them into the worst situation possible, but good can arise from this...or your character can just keep going down the slippery slope. - Falling Action: This is generally the process of gradually resolving all that has happened during the story. Maybe the main characters have realised their mistakes and aim to solve them, or perhaps your characters have overcome the main antagonist, or possibly made peace with them somehow. - Denouement: The resolution to the story, or at least where the characters end up. Then again, who's to say that everything will be resolved by the end if you want to make a series rather than a one-off? And who's to say the resolution will be a clean pretty one?

. For the challenge/game-driven writers: It helps to make notes of anything that happens in-game that could become a plot idea. Whether it's something from a mod, Lifestyles, Sentiments, or other autonomous actions- anything that gives you idea for a potential relationship change, conflict or story point, jot it down and maybe you can build on it later. If your Sims end up with positive or negative Sentiments for each other, then maybe it could be fun to come up with a reason why they feel that way.

My biggest piece of advice is: If you are stuck with what to do next in a story, let the game do some of the storytelling for you if you need to. Look at what happens autonomously, Likes/Dislikes, traits, anything caused by mods that add story depth to the game, Sentiments that people have for others etc. You probably even have mods that actually add some real depth to the game that you can go off of. It's a great way to help you get new ideas. It's gotten me through a lot of brick walls in the plot.

. Do not use ChatGPT or any generative AI! The whole point of creative writing is the CREATIVE part and neither of these are at all creative. Don't bother writing a story if you can't be bothered to do the writing.

. Be sure to try and use content warnings for aspects of the story that may need it. You can use the trigger tags and can warn in chapter headers. You can't catch everything, of course you can't, but it's a helpful way to help a reader decide whether or not it's worth getting into a story, or whether they may want to skip a page or chapter. My own story has a lot of potential triggers so I warn about them as much as possible.

. Portrayal is not automatically endorsement. Your story does not have to be entirely morally-pure and neither do your characters. Not every story is about the perfect people who do no wrong and somehow manage to tick every box on how to be the perfect Leftist. You also don't have to provide disclaimers on the fact you are not okay with what's being portrayed, but you can do so if you want to save your own skin.

. Do not worry too much about word counts. Some people like to keep an eye on word counts, but make sure you're not letting it dictate your entire workflow. It's great to have goals to keep you going, but to let them define your work entirely can get stressful. If you miss your goals, don't beat yourself up about it. 

. Use online generators if necessary! Names, plot points, rough plot outlines, there are generators for everything online. They are there both for fun and to help you get a starting point, and you are NOT cheating for using them! No other writer ever does absolutely everything themselves. We all get ideas from somewhere, so there's absolutely zero shame in using generators for ideas and such. 

. Do not get hung up on looking for writing advice. I know, I just gave my advice and yet I'm saying this! Over the years I've looked at so many writing advice blogs, and almost all of it has been useless to me in the long run. Most of my learning has been from reading others' writing, and I have also learned from other kinds of art as well- films, pictures, etc. Do not rely too much on one person's style or advice. It's no good wanting to be someone else, and take that from someone who's been super jealous of loads of creators over the years. Whether it's art or writing, I've learned more from looking at others' art than I ever have from people who've told me how to do it.  On top of that, don't let others' advice dictate what you do too much. After all, people are so quick to label absolutely anything as 'bad writing' these days. Continuing on from this point...

. Do not let others' writing advice become super-strict rules. Including my own! The problem with some people and their advice, is that they tend to think their way is the only way, for everyone. And as I mentioned earlier, people are quick to slap the latest cool 'smart writer's term on anything. Remember when Mary-Sue/Marty-Stu started off as an overpowered character who never faces consequences, but then seemingly became any character with supernatural powers and/or unnatural hair and eye colours? Remember when we got taught 'said is dead' in primary school, and then authors and Internet writers suddenly became obsessed with it to the point where you were terrible for using 'said' at all?

All of those writing blogs demanding complete originality when every conceivable story is inspired by something, subconsciously or otherwise? Getting thrown overboard for using clichés? The same three authors being used as a style model? It's great to take inspiration from other people, but don't think that others' writing advice is always 100% going to improve your writing because as I have said ad nauseum throughout this whole thing- art is subjective. Even if the advice-giver is an excellent author that's been published 1205 times, that doesn't necessarily mean their way is the only way for everyone. My likes and dislikes are not ultimate. Neither are theirs, and neither are yours. Write the clichéd character, add the cool thing because it's fun, use 'said' all of the time, enjoy yourself.

. Also worth adding that just because someone writes their writing 'advice' in an incredibly harsh or 'my way is the only way' manner, it doesn't mean they're 100% right and that you should change how you do things because a bored stranger on the Internet thinks they're the last word on how to create things. You are not going to please everyone, and that's fine. And let's face it- some people are never pleased. Ever. Don’t write to please these types of people, it’s not worth it. I've come across them plenty of times in the past on creative websites, and I've fallen into the trap of trying to do what they say because they must be right, right? And really, why should I? Why should anyone?

Don't fall into the trap of feeling like you have to do what the angry man on Wordpress told everyone to do. Maybe these types occasionally have something good to share, but you should only use writing advice you find genuinely helpful to you.

. When it comes to doing research on things like stereotypes or tired archetypes / plotlines for certain marginalised groups, be aware that everyone has a different opinion on what is harmful and what isn't. You cannot write a character of any experience that every single person will agree with or consider to be a sympathetic portrayal. One man's good representation is another man's problematic.

You are also occasionally going to find some people writing these portrayal guides who will consider every experience out of their own individual one to be wrong (I've come across plenty of 'how to write autistic characters' guides where the autistic writer is convinced their experiences are the only kind of 'proper' autistic experience... and we are all very different people in reality!). Try to get a rough idea from multiple sources and go from there.

. In addition to the above: Go careful where you get your research/advice from. I will happily admit when I don't know what I'm talking about sometimes. Other people, not so much. Go careful who you choose to do any research from. On top of that, when you are looking for advice specific to a culture or identity, most of the time it's best to find things written by people who are actually a part of the group. It's good to be as thorough as you can.

. Be imperfect. No-one is a perfect writer, though some certainly think they are! Perfectionism is common, but in my opinion it holds people back a lot of the time. Don't stress too much- SimLit is meant to be a fun hobby.

. Always aim to finish your work. Even if you have to pull a plot point out of your backside to do it, try to finish everything where you can. I have only ever discontinued one story, and that was only five chapters into it. If you're having trouble, don't be afraid to leave a project for a while. I find in the meantime, I come up with new ideas. Sometimes a necessary distance to a project is needed to see it in a different light, and then any issues can be (hopefully) figured out.

. Don't get caught up in the 'reboot loop'. It's a dangerous game, to constantly want to re-do your work. I'd know - I have a personal project that's been rebooted over 10 times and still not completed that's been a work-in-progress since almost 2014. Don't get caught up in it otherwise you'll never finish anything. If there's something you don't like, assess first if it's best to just move on with the story despite it. In connection to my above point, I'd rather a story be finished badly, personally, than not finished at all.

. Do not get put off by low reader numbers or lack of comments. It's part of the creative process- either you'll get feedback or you won't. People nowadays tend to go for shorter stories either due to not having time, language barriers are also a thing that can put people off a longer prose-based story, or due to the modern age trying to make everything as succinct as possible - and like I said earlier, a lot of people are tired busy adults and likely won't have time.

Some things are also typically more niche than others.

Do not publicly whine or guilt-trip people over lack of feedback or attention. There are always going to be times where lack of attention to your work will get you down, and in my eyes, that's a good sign to take a break from it until the passion for creation comes back to you. Otherwise the story will likely suffer for it as will your wellbeing.

. Do not get put off by negative critique. Critique can be helpful, but let's face it, many people often don't know how to write a good or useful critique and a lot of people nowadays want to be a edgy, feisty caustic critic, might as well say it. Even if someone is nice about it, your first reaction might be ‘owch’.

Keep the useful critique in mind, bin the rest. You don't need to change anything about your story, at the end of the day nobody can force you to do that - but it's also not healthy to ignore absolutely all critique completely. Sometimes others' ideas can be helpful. Sometimes.

. Jarte - A free fancier version of Wordpad that I use for note-taking and plot-planning.

. My planning document and character questions linked earlier.

. MyNoise - If you like background noise to focus but music isn't for you, these are various noise machines. It includes chanting, white noise, natural sounds (thunder, rain etc), bar ambience and much more. There's an amazing selection.

. Writing Plot Prompts and Generators - A bunch of generators for plot-related events. Rough plots, possible things that could go wrong, ideas for how characters meet and general writing prompts. 

. Character Generator - A bunch of character-related generators that will generate all sorts of ideas- from rough descriptions, to in-detail outlines, to causes of death, and a separate generator for ideas for LGBT+ characters as well.

. Evernote- a free (with paid options) note-taking app for mobile and for PC. It allows you to create to-do lists, clip whole web pages, screenshots, articles PDFs and bookmarks - great for storing research or other important things! You can also sync your PC notes with your mobile ones so you always have a space to dump your ideas wherever you come up with them.

. Random Town Name Generator - with some fun tidbits about town naming in general.

. Fantasy Map Generator - for the super-world-builders!

I hope this has given you something of a starting point, or has otherwise given you something else to think about. Happy writing!

[dudududuumaxverstappen]

Comfort - Lewis Hamilton x fem. Reader

Reader is an art dealer/curator in this one. Lewis returns to the hotel room after the qualifying in Bahrain…

"Did you have a good time?" Lewis asks as he walks past the bed you’re sitting on, not even deigning you a glance and you can already hear it in his tone that something is off. His shoulders are slouched, his whole posture like a heavy weight is resting upon him. You have seen parts of the qualifying and for a moment think that this is what causes his sadness but—

"Eating and … flirting with this prince or whatever he is," he huffs.

Your brow furrows of its own accord. You place your book down and sit up straighter, looking at him.

"Flirting?" you repeat silently and give your head a shake. "Who would I have been flirting with?"

Eventually, he turns to you, a frown adorning his handsome face. "Don’t act like I‘m stupid, Y/N." He gives his head a shake, followed by a humourless laugh. "On top of everything … I‘m so done with this day. Just give me some space, okay? I‘ll take a bath."

You‘re shocked to say the least. You have no idea what he‘s talking about. While he was qualifying today, you went out to have dinner with a some clients in Bahrain — people interested in the latest art you‘re dealing with. That was it. Work and no flirting and how would Lewis even know?

You know he asked for space, and you want to give him exactly that, but you can’t, knowing that he was already upset from qualifying and now also with you.

You can’t let that happen, especially since there’s no reason for him to be upset with you.

Slipping off the bed, you slide your feet into the hotel slippers and silently make your way over to the bathroom, hoping to find it unlocked. Which you do.

Carefully, you walk inside, unsure of how you even start. You want to make your point clear that nothing had happened, but knowing how sad he is you don’t want to upset him even more.

Your eyes find him easily in the lush bathroom, sitting in the tub, and your heart shatters into a million pieces at the sight of him.

His hang hangs low, arms braced on his knees, hands folded, shoulders lifting with deep inhales. It hurts so much to see him like this, and your lower lip begins to quiver. Quickly, and no longer so silently you make your way over to him, sit down on the edge of the tub and place your hand on his shoulder.

He flinches a little, from surprise, and tips his head back. His eyes are red, but he‘s not crying anymore…

"What were you talking about earlier?" you ask softly and brush your hand along his shoulder. "I really don’t know. It was just a dinner with—"

"Didn’t you see all the videos? The photos he posted? Dinner with the most beautiful girl from all of Monaco."

You’re flabbergasted and left speechless for a moment. "I had no idea … and why … why would he do that? It was a meeting simply to discuss a piece of art he wanted to buy, as I told you. I … I‘m so sorry."

"And why did you sit so damn close to him? Any closer and you could have sat right on his lap—or his dick!" He throws his head back with a deep sigh, knocking it against your thigh and the tub wall.

Your hand is still on his shoulder, and you squeeze softly. "Don’t take all your anger out on me, it‘s not fair. I wasn’t sitting closer to him than to any other client. We needed to discuss art I showed him on my tablet, that‘s it. It was never my intention to hurt you."

Rolling his head to the side, he presses his cheek against your thigh. "It wasn’t fair, you’re right." His lips press softly against your skin. "But it feels like I‘m losing everything. Driving … it‘s like I no longer have the same control over the car like I onced used to have. And now … you."

"Lewis…" you whisper and kiss his forehead, lips just hovering above his skin as you continue, "you will never lose me. Never, do you hear me. The ring you put on my finger should always remind you of that." You kiss him once again.

"And driving … you‘ve been with Mercedes for over ten years. You adapted to the cars you drove, the engineer‘s instructions and explanations, now you’ve joined a new team and everything is different."

Lifting your hand, you brush your thumb over his cheek. "Lewis, it takes time. No star has ever fallen from the sky, and you will find your rhytm and get to know the car. Just give it time."

A soft, sad laugh slips thrpugh his lips. "You always know exactly what to say, huh?"

"I guess that comes from being married to the most intelligent man I‘ve ever met."

You lean in closer, but before you can continue, Lewis beats you to it. "I‘m sorry for what I said and I don’t want you to give me space. I want you close. Always, right by my side."

"I know." You stroke your thumb across his cheek again. "I will never leave your side."

So, this is my first time writing a one shot for this fandom and aah I‘m nervous🫨

[jywllkr]

DR S3 P2 LEAKS

a long analysis about Jay's character. w/pictures

this is going to be a bit messy cuz english isn't my first language,,, but fuck thattt.

what irks me about that last Jaya scene from the leaks is when Nya told Jay she thought she saw his old self—and that she was wrong

knowing the fact she doesn’t even know what happened to him after the Merge, or what he went through before he shattered whatever was left of his goodness, all while dealing with amnesia alone

we can all agree on how the way the ninja, Nya and Lloyd in this case, keep trying to shove the image of who Jay used to be onto someone who’s clearly not himself anymore,,,it's just a bad move overall

We still don’t know why Jay left the Administration. he didn’t just leave, he escaped

the thing about the Administration is that;

the Administration knew who Jay is on a personal level (they were searching for him specifically)

Jay doesn’t want anyone there knowing he’s the elemental master of lightning

and then he was clearly upset with the Administration right after he wasn't involved with them too

Jay is absolutely sure that the Administration, the one he naively trusted at first, lied about something. lied to such a degree that he was visibly upset. and another thing we know about his state during his time there, according to Bonzle, is that his heart just wasn’t really in it

that already tells us a lot about Jay’s position here. remember, he still had his goodness during all of this. the fact that he left must mean he found out the Administration was doing something seriously wrong, and he didn’t want to be a part of it

then Ras came along, again, during the time Jay still had his goodness. Jay genuinely thought Ras was a good guy and ended up believing the Ninja weren’t thanks to his manipulation

now that he left Ras shattered and betrayed, he probably stopped believing there’s any good in people at all. add some major trust issues into the mix

and as far as the lore of this franchise goes, one of Jay’s core traits is that he dislike lying—especially after Season 6. bro literally judged Nya for telling a white lie to Arin’s parents.

I’m kinda guessing here, but Jay’s probably testing the waters with Nya and the rest of the ninja, trying to figure out whether they’re actually safe to trust or not

So far, he’s been extremely blunt about what he thinks,,,he doesn’t exactly lie to the ninja. despite how mean sounding most of them are, Jay is just being bluntly honest

It’s sad to see this “silly” scene on its own, because Jay genuinely believes he never had any goodness to begin with

probably because his first memory was working in the Administration, a place he ended up escaping from for some unknown or bad reason, and he was stuck there for who knows how long

and also because he trusted Ras. the guy he thought was a good person/better than the administration

So, a little conclusion: the obvious reason why Jay only thinks about himself and not others right now is because this kind of thing has happened to him way too often

If he’s going to lean on other people, he needs to see two things

that they’re being truthful

that they’re not trying to force him into being someone he’s not

and as of now, the ninja fail both of those checks—so Jay’s nowhere near ready to believe in them

a little thing I wanted to point out too,,,,Jay left the group right after they were at the Spectral Land’s Monastery. It’s pretty odd because he could’ve left when they were waiting for Sora and Arin to come back from the junkyard. but he didn’t

the reason he probably stayed with them was just to make sure they arrived there safely, knowing how dangerous that place is. and why he wants to go there willingly?

he probably wants to see some truth from the ninja themselves when he’s not involved with them (since we’re all guessing this is Jay following Nya in this scene)

and he might be picking Nya because he’s drawn to her the most, even if he realize it or not

last but not least

I couldn’t stop thinking about this one scene from episode 3 because it went straight to Jay’s picture (who ironically enough is the only one smiling in the picture) when she explained the main core of the ninja. being selfless and caring about people

it was all now shown in the series that Jay’s core personality is still there despite being shattered. being absolutely terrible at jokes and playing video games are two of them

so the question is,,, is there more to Jay that we haven’t seen yet?

POINTS THE OBVIOUS 👆

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oh also. this part??? I bet you is a foreshadow

anyways yea,,, sorry if my writing's hard to digest. I'm no writer or whatever, but I need to yap about this

[swiiivet-screamathon]

Addendum: What does the Sage of Truth skin tell us about Shadow Milk?

Hi, yeah, noticed a uh, mistake, of mine lmao

In the og post I mentioned that I wasn't certain what the Sage was about, as it surely wasnt the past and was unlikely to be the future

but turns out thats quite obviously his silhouette right there

So assuming that this isnt some fabrication from Elder Faerie and is indeed proper canon, that's a flashback, not a reconstruction

That the Sage of Truth is Canonically Pre-Beast Shadow Milk, we can then more confidently start making assumptions and deductions with that groundwork

Now I still hold my ground from the original post that they are very very similar to each other, and having picked at his character thoroughly through my own writings I can decently confidently say that the Character of Smilk has never changed, the only thing Beast-ifying did for him was change his Worldview

He is still playful "Well, well, well! Are we ready for some tomfoolery?" "Now now, I'm not like those other academics." "Time for some real DRAMA!" "Ugh, come on! Why do you refuse enlightenment?!" "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" "Aright, let's put your knowledge to the test!" "A Fount of Knowldge. A-who could that be?!"

He is still cheeky, condescending at times "Think! What if all yoru life is a lie?" "Do I really need to spell out everything? Come on, think!" "Oh no, you got tricked? (Blows raspberry) Well, TOO BAD!" "Why does everyone try so hard to hide their ignorance? Tsk!" "If I told you I'm a liar, would that be a lie...?"

He still holds his beliefs with confidence "The Cookie of Truth? That's-a-me!" "Hope is nothing else but a cheap trick of the mind!" "The Truth is born in dispute." "We all live for some spicy drama, amirite?" "Admitting your ignorance is the first steps towards the Truth!" "A tiny droplet of deceit can bring down a might empire." "The key to the greatest theorem is often... pretty small!" "Truth is... the world is built upon lies." "I can always find an answer. Even if it means "no answer"." "A blade's edge is what seperates Truth from Deceit." "The more you know, the less you know!" "The arts, academia, technology, magic... Truth exists everywhere!" "The Truth reveals itself through creation!" "Hogwash, rubbish, BOLONEY! I will not tolerate any!" "See the Truth, and you shall know all!"

He still performs theatrics "Let the show BEGIN!" "Let the show begin!" "Why the looooong face?" "Tis I, your humble jester, here to brighten up your mood!" (Done through sing-song) "The arts, academia, technology, magic... Truth exists everywhere!" "Well, well, well! Are we ready for some tomfoolery?" "A WOLF!!! HELP! A WOLF! ... He he..."

He still likes showing off and being center of attention, people finding him specifically important and making himself important "Excuse me? I'm so sorry to disturb you... But I'm still THE MAIN CHARACTER here!" "There you are! Time for some magic!" "Welcome, folks! Ready for some giggles?" "Who's hungry for knowledge? (Oh!) Come 'ere!" "Whoah, PAL! You don't wanna get on my BAD side!" "Ooooh, are you proposing a debate? Alright, but no backsies!" "Fool me once? Crumbling to see you try!" "Think I'm wrong? Very well, present your case!" "You want in on a scrumptious little secret, mm?" "Ah, the origins of magic! Buckle up, you're in for a ride!" "Raise the curtains! The show begins...!"

There's also a belief that these desires are natural that I didn't mention last time "Ever told a lie? Then we're pals!" "Craving for the Truth is as natural as simply existing!"

And a very curious part to me, is that he indulged in creative works, like, at all, "Art can heal the soul!" "Playwright, poet, actor, and sage! All is MOI!"

I'll elaborate on that in a minute

Like at no point does any of Sage's dialogue ever come across as something that'd be out of character for Smilk, although he might not say those exact words in that order, he's not speaking with the intonation or intention of someone like Cacao and he speaks his words. As a person he has not fundamentally changed. At most he's become more theatrical and a little less... demeaning? Not holding others to a standard. Because unlike Sage where he wanted others to try to value the Truth and was disappointed when they wouldn't-- Smilk is confident that you are a liar, that everyone is a liar, so has no reason to be disappointed when you tell the truth because the moment you spoke a lie, something he believes everyone to have done, then you are permanently labelled a liar, you will almost certainly already have his mark before you ever met. But that's not exactly a character upheaval by any means.

The only thing we're really missing from Sage is the loneliness and anger that riddles Smilk, but given he doesn't demonstrate it either in the overworld its hard to make any judgements on how Sage feels, if he's either joyous to have followers or if he feels isolated for having no one on his level intellectually, if he's really just a chill guy now and doesn't ever get angry or if he does have specific triggers that send him into violent outbursts and we just happen to never encounter them-- any comment beyond "they seem to differ in this aspect" would just be assuming, not deducing.

So, what other information can we garner if so far the only difference we've found is that one believes in the Truth and the other Deceit?

Well we can start with a pretty basic exercise, their differences in behaviour physically.

With Smilk the more physically intensive the task the more upset he is about doing it, with the easier jobs he seems considerably more bored. The one time he stands on solid ground is when he's hammering, where he exerts the absolute least amount of effort possible with the tiniest tool out of all the ones he uses. The only one he enjoys is the one he can be theatrical with, demonstrating to at least some capacity, (though canonicity questionable given this is on kingdom grounds and not in the story) that he's willing to do things for others if it means he gets to do what he wants. He'll absolute shill for you if it means he can go hogwild w it lol.

Sage comparatively has normal sized tools and puts in reasonable effort when doing all the tasks, seeming either neutrally pleasant with most of the intensive activities whilst enjoying the easier ones considerably. He also stands on solid ground for almost half the tasks, implying less of a need to rely on his flying abilities compared to Smilk. Given his only unique expression being calm that also happens to mirror Smilk's perfectly (Leaning back, cross-legged, leaning on the other arm) is when watering flowers. It thus becomes possible to deduce that he might find watering flowers relaxing, possibly even in the present day, and that there's another reason that has nothing to do with watering of why he's seemingly not interested in the activity in present day.

It also brings up an interesting question, if we know that Sage is Smilk in the past, canon and all, then who is the other guy? The guy I claimed to be the Fount of Knowledge?

And I would still argue that to be the Fount, and I would still argue that Sage is not the Fount.

A key part of their differences is Sage's lack of hair eyes, the only eye iconography in their actual design is on their hat and staff, neither of which do a whole lot of blinking in any capacity. And given that the hat has both closed and open eyes I don't think it's too wild to say that the connections between him and eyes are superficial at best, nothing beyond most of our own assumptions when it comes to truth and lies, that you keep your eyes open to see the truth of the world and close them to hide from the truth, so him being the representative of knowledge would of course have both facets available to him, not that much deeper than that.

There are a couple things we can automatically deduce from the very little we know of the Fount:

He Had at some point swapped from White to Black clothes. The whiteness of his hair had lessened and it's now its 3 pronged state, it still has the galaxy pattern that the sage does and the gradient seems to stay darker for longer. He still has the forehead symbol. He at some point swapped the Souljam's placement off his chest and onto his staff. Eye iconography is stronger but has not yet adorned his hair. The elements are important somehow as they show up in the bg. During this time he still had followers but they one by one 'ate the apple' and abandoned Fount's teachings to embrace lying. His staff is still a key.

The only thing I feel confident in deducing is that this is just before the beast-ening, this is what he looked like the final days before he too succumbed and chose the path of the beast. And although less confident I feel confident enough to deduce that something actionable happened between Sage & Fount, and I think whatever that was is the cause of the hair split, the cause of the eye iconography becoming more prevalent and most likely the cause of everyone abandoning his teachings; though if I try to argue that further we leave analysis and enter headcanon so lol.

And a final piece to note, is that they both have access to the other-realm, shown in their rabbit idle, although Sage has some gold streaks in theirs. Which although not inherently notable as I'm like, a little confident that it's just the Souljam's externalized land, "bigger on the inside blue box rock", I do find it mildly notable though because either he got it from the witches, implying that such a power would in some capacity help them out when it comes to managing the world, creation and/or his ability for knowledge-- Or as a fresh cookie he decided to gain that power through other means somehow, how he would do that I'm not particularly confident, but I don't think that detail should be overlooked at all.

Getting back to thing I mentioned earlier, the strangeness of Sage participating in the arts, is from a thing I noticed that made me actually write this thing, its been sitting in my drafts for ages lol.

And that's a connection between all the beasts' understanding of their own virtue and something that consistently trips them up about it, something I had accidentally laid the groundwork for.

Sbice from day one was heralded for his combat, change has always since he popped out of the oven been defined by slaughter, which as I pointed out in part 1 is not the only way change exists. Moving to a new place is change, having a child is change, even just tiny things like hanging up a new picture up on the wall is change, none of these things have anything at all to do with death but are all still changes in someone's life. But Sbice never got that aspect of his virtue.

Mystic granted wishes for everyone in the name of volition, or, well, not everyone, not those who were cruel and evil. Volition still encapsulates those people, they still enact upon their own volition to be terrible, awful people. Someone chose to assault a guy, another chose to shoot a stranger, a third chose to torture an innocent; these things all still fall under volition. But Mystic couldn't handle that.

And my hypothesis as to why he's the Sage of Truth is that he believed knowledge was synonymous with the truth, that lying wasn't knowledge-- but it is. If I tell you the world is shaped like a bowl of spaghetti you now know that information, its not the truth but you still know that I told you that. Truth is also not objective in any way, time is relative, gravity is relative, our perspectives are relative, our lives is relative, the truth will and does change depending on dozens and hundreds of factors. I could tell you that it is false and untrue if I say the statement "I am a cis man." but that is true for someone who's actually a cis man, someones truth is not everyones truth. Which is why his participation and respect for the arts is so interesting to me, because they are inherently a fabrication of truth, within the world of the art anything can be true, but it's almost never, ever true for the real world. Even stuff like auto-biographies or documentaries will inherently be skewed by the fact that you're just taking a portion of existence, a tiny sliver of it, that inherently removes infinite amount of context which is required to define 100% of the media as "true"-- But the type of art he consumes are stage plays, a medium that's inherently deceitful by a mile, because a lot of the time it asks the audience for things that aren't real, you apply your suspension of disbelief when watching a play. The actors say they're in a castle when really they're on an elevated wooden platform, there are no castles in the vicinity, and that king you're speaking to certainly has no royal credentials I'm aware of! So what gives? Is my hypothesis flawed and there is no problem Sage trips over? Not quite-- I think the case is that he's in the same boat as Mystic, knowledge is good! But not all knowledge. Theaters and Media in general are consensual lying, you go there expecting to be lied to, and those lies are often the whole appeal of going. But non consensual lies, which still fit under the definition of knowledge, thats no good-- We can also take the deductions backwards too, we know that Smilk believes that 'all lies work best with drops of truth in them' and 'truth can be dismantled and ruined if a single drop of deceit is inlaid', he believes that because that's the lesson he learnt as the Sage, that his truth wasn't good enough to stand on its own, that fact by itself isn't won't convince anyone ... Or, well, the reason why he learnt that lesson was because of other cookies, as they abandoned his teachings to pursue the sweetness of deceit, his truths stopped mattering, fewer and fewer cared about them anymore, they weren't as good as the lies that were told. He focused so hard on the importance of truth and fact with some indulgence in the arts that the rest of knowledge was neglected, leading cookies to search for that instead. One must accept all knowledge, but Truth is all that mattered to Sage.

There's not else a ton of note what I can tell, the bond story still isn't particularly relevant unless we really want to fanfic some "Pv has lived through the same cycle of history since the dawn of cookie-time" or an alternative "Pv is a standin for a real past figure without being the literal figure but smilk is the literal figure of smilk" but that's insane for an analysis who's trying to asses facts lmao

So given all the info that was presented in part 1 and now with this Sage information, what can that tell us about Smilk's Redemption possibilities?

It doesn't give us a ton to work off of, since redemption isn't a circle, it's very unlikely that a redeemed Smilk would just be Sage again, they'd probably look different from one another.

It does give the implication that the more gold accents Smilk gets the more "good" he is but shhh thats just patterns not deductions lmao.

What it does mean is that its incredibly likely that the lesson Smilk has to learn to be redeemed is the exact same lesson that Pv learnt, that both are important; you cannot abandon deceit and lies, it's a part of existence, being conscious and having autonomy-- plus his students and listeners abandoning him are proof that trying to abandon it once more will simply repeat history. But of course you cannot abandon the truth either, existing in a world without truth is impossible, its one of those ideas thats impossible to imagine, same as 'imagine nothing, no not blackness, actual nothing', facts are facts of existing, things just are, a rock will exist, space will exist, atoms will exist, those are all facts and truths of the everything. Although as discussed in the part 1 he absolutely hasn't at his core abandoned truth, in this very addendum I explained that he recognizes the importance of truth in lies, someone who has denounced truth completely wouldn't believe such a thing, so given he's clearly swimmin in the deceit sauce and believes in the value of truth what gives? What he has to learn is why the truth is so important to fight for to begin w, lies are comforting and sweet, they alleviate your fears and solve your problems, what does the truth have in it that makes it good, that makes it worthwhile? Because without an answer to that question it automatically makes deceit seem like the better choice, there's reason to fall for it, and none for the truth. He will never recover if he doesn't figure out the answer.

And yk what, since we're at the end of the post I'll indulge a bit and go on a wild tangent-- If I'm comparing them anyways why not go on a wild tangent and demonstrate the reasoning as to why I always draw Smilk w disembodied limbs-- It has literally nothing to do w Smilk redemption but if we're going deep dive into Sage then why not lmao

Though first lets tackle the easier out of the two, demonstrating is his neckless-ness

Don't get scared about his stretched head I took 10 tries to get a clear enough screenshot I'm not tryin again lmao

If simply seeing him plop his head off isn't proof enough for you, it's a magic trick or somethin, heads not really detached at all times-- well then technically I can't prove that outright, but I can say it'd be strange if that was a spell he was pulling off every single second he lives, leading me to question whether the difference is semantics at that point anyways lol

Given what we know of cookies who show their body/head connections clearly, both old and new cookies, it is shown that the head tends to sink in just a little bit into the body, having the shoulders come out from the theoretical lower jaw of the cookies

And to me I just don't see that like, at all on Smilk's outfit, if I were to imagine what he'd look like taking off the ruff I don't think the shoulders would go that high, because w/o the souljam being in the way we'd be able to see his entire head, it doesn't go that far down; I see picture 1. And especially if we believe picture 2 to be correct and it does indeed connect, meaning the shoulders have to raise up through the thickness of the ruff, I believe it would then make complete sense if when Smilk detached his head we would see his body through the neck hole, it has to be big enough to fit his entire fat neck after all. But it doesn't, it just shows roughly where the neck hole should be, but not only does it not show the body in any capacity it's also by far too deep to fit his neck in, that hole depth is for someone with a neck as tall as people, not a species like cookies where saying they have a neck at all is dubious at best.

Hopefully no doubts here? I don't think this should have to be headcanon at all or even somethin I have to prove, but if ya wanna analyse ya gotta back your stances up.

Now then, what about those hands?

(Me lookin through my sources finding him do a hairflick might be the best thing to come out of this addendum lmao)

What I could find this is every single instance where we should be able to very clearly see the arms got into the ruff, and there's 2 things I need to prove.

That the ruff is indeed hollow to the same capacity the the neck ruff is, where we would actually see the arms at all in the first place, and that it isn't simply a stylistic choice.

We'll get to the second part of that after, because the first part is trickier to say for certain to me. All of the images except for 2 shows a reasonable amount of "That hand is not connected to an arm, I should be seeing that arm if it was" to me, but nothing really definitive as proof of much of anything. The two in question are these ones.

(The right image is control, if we should view anything as a "definitive" design it should probably be that one)

Top left looks like in any reasonable sane universe there should absolutely be an arm poking through to some capacity, his hand is too far away from the ruff to all the explanation that the ruff is simply hiding the arm like it's possible to argue in most of the other images.

The bottom left one however is, strange-- It is art from the game so dismissing it outright feels incorrect to do, but that's still not his design? His arm ruffs don't curve inwards like a cone like that, it can be up in the air what that slightly darker blue tone is inside the ruff but that tone definitively does exist like, at all lol, so why it wasn't drawn in that instance is alluding me.

If that's not conclusive enough, which fair, we can tackle the second question; perhaps it is just stylization after all, so how do they treat similar scenarios? Smilk ain't the only sleeved character who holds something after all.

This is what I can tell every cookie that applies for our question

Cookies that have long enough sleeves and big enough objects to hide the arm in the first place that are holding objects with their hands wrapped behind the object, and it seems that there are a lot of "there r no rules" here.

Match, Pearl & Pomegranate being the least helpful as they don't have revealed hands at all

Alchemy, Clover, Velvet, Snow & Sapphire all have their arms/hand connections visible, although harder to spot on some than others

Cacao, Choco, Onion & Herb have objects that are too big to be able to see anything anyways

Cotton can be hard to tell but every time she puts her lamp down she shows that she has her arm out at all times

I misinterpreted Prune's design there, he doesn't wear sleeves he wears gloves, so duh do we get several perspectives of his arms showing, they're not hidden in any way after all lol-- I also misinterpreted Yam's design, it looked like it was a hollow void the same as Smilk's but it seems that it was just an attempt and really bad failure at perspective, that's supposed to be a glove/gauntlet but because of the perspective fail it now looks like it's much much wider than it actually is

Mint has an even worse case of disembodied hand than Smilk does but it does very much seem to be a strange perspective issue rather than it missing completely

Our closest matches imo are Frost Queen, Affogato, Cream Puff, Rebel, Vampire & Pure Vanilla, Pvs already being disqualified because his hand shape is drawn differently, unlike the half circle the others get he gets this slanted raindrop shape, implying the arm perfectly adequately. If we look at even a single piece of art for them though, and uh

Whoops, I can see some arms in those arts, although rebel looks like he got a third elbow lmao-- all duds there

Or wait, hold on, Vampire isn't there... What's that supposed to mean op?

Well apparently it means that Vampire has like, 4 pieces of official art and exactly 0 opportunities in any of his sprites to show off his arms in any manner, he always holds his glass the very exact same way or his hand is just barely peeking out from the sleeve. It never looks obviously wrong like it does w Smilk, it doesn't ever give the impression that beneath his sleeves we would find a lack of wrists and other extremities-- Mguy just needs an event sometime soon ig lol

So given all of our examples for how CRK handles this type of character design, unless Vampire wants to disprove us somehow I don't think there's a strong enough argument to say this is within their m/o, and that Smilk should in some capacity have their arms shown

And finally, why I brought this up in the Sage section at all, is because of 2 points, one regarding to each limb lol

The first is what made me think of it in the first place, that Sage replaced the juggle animation with a new one, so now the only evidence to the disconnected head is the same body proportion issue that was mentioned previously, but making any conclusions from that would be jumping too large of a hurdle I think-- though I wouldn't call anyone out if they came to the conclusion that if asked Sage couldn't juggle his head because it's thoroughly attatched

For me though the hands feel more compelling

To me that looks incredibly obvious that it makes complete sense that Sage's hand continues under the sleeve, and the thing that's cutting it off is not a vague nebulous space but it's the lineart, the fact that the lineart color is the same color as the inside of the sleeve is what makes it look like it disappears prematurely but recolor the linart to be a distinct color and it will look like it makes complete sense

The closest angle we have with the same posed hand is that surprised one, that hand is not bent it is stretched out. The lineart of the ruff and the strange void thing are not the same color, those two things should be two distinct planes of the object, that hand should continue up to the lineart if there was an arm to connect to.

I rest my case ^^

And also for funsies the puppet looks like it has arms better than any present day Smilk's do lol

(warning the keep reading section is really really long -- also bestie logged into the pc vers of tumbrlr just so i could ensure i got this written out how i wanted lmao)

ok i recognize that this might be a contentious subject given how my for you page has been, so just like mini warning i am very fragile & scared so pls dont be too mean if you disagree w me here lol

but i just have to write about it in a fashion that like, anyone can read about it? the thoughts are holding me in a chokehold and i need to be let free so let me vent lmao

ever since i rejoined crk w the intent of dissecting its story i wanna see when they fix the gaping plot hole w white lily lmao i've been writing out my complaints & strange things i've noticed, but one of the things i wrote there is about this subject:

I think out of our current known beasts, Shadow Milk has the highest possibility of being redeemed.

i'll immediately mention that I recognize my bias, i like the guy, i think he a goofy feller who chews the scenery really really hard and is in love w his own voice cause he has so much charm in his way of speakin, so ofc that automatically has to be taken account when i write this up, but i make this claim from the facts i know of with reasonable assumptions based off the facts, or at least i am trying to-- if it's any assurance I also like handsome jack & springtrap but think redemption is off the table for them, this is not coming from "i want every character i like to be a good guy" i do genuinely think it's possible. i also very much know "i just wanna" is not a valid argument lmao-- also quick mention I haven't finished chap 3 of oddessy or the dragon book, so if im missin info you have to wait for an addendum lol

anyways, i think the easiest point is to mention the contrast between him & the other beasts, as to prove why he's the most likely I have to adequately demonstrate why i think the others arent as likely, and I think it will also be decent framework to the rest of my conclusions

the one I think has absolute negative chance of being redeemed is Burning Spice, because no part of him to me seems like he ever wanted to or presently want to be his original virtue. I genuinely think if he never had the virtue thrust upon him he would've never accepted it at all ever; he was one of the first cookies so he got the title of Change, not because he was particularly specially suited for it.

Even in his very own description it mentions he was hailed as a hero because of how much he fought, he has for all of his life only wanted to fight, and used the virtue as an excuse and justification for his actions from the very beginning, one that he sort of believed in to some extent, otherwise he would've never kept any civilization alive ever at all, but he wouldn't have been so gungho about combat for all of his life if he truly believed in change, one who did represent it would recognize that the cycle of life and death does not have to be perpetuated by violence or combat, nor does all change have to involve the death of another.

He also has his past the most secretive out of the 3, the only hint i noticed of his past displayed in the present day was the single mural that we saw the flashback through, which the only way we saw the flashback at all was through the souljam, meaning only his other half had ever the chance of learning what he was like back in the day and no one else. The only way you would even know that the mural is about the past is the 6 arms (since the rest of it depicts cookies burning up into ashes, Sheese describes it as looking like a carnage after all) which is something im not sure if present day sbice can do, but it also doesn't strike me as something the citizens would assume means he was originally a virtue either, it'd probably just be read as sbice being far more powerful than they think of him as.

I don't think he should've ever gotten the title of a virtue, I don't think if given the choice he would've accepted the virtue, and I don't think he ever 100% believed in the virtue and from day 1 has used it as an excuse to satiate his desires.

Speaking of his other half, i dont think there's any universe where Gheese would ever forgive him either, if she won't even forgive one of her best friends for something she shouldn't blame her for I'll try to not get hung up on lily too much sry lmao, required her paradise to fall to war and even then barely got convinced and that he physically mutilated her? There's no way she would ever look past Sbice's actions in a million years, which isn't a great habit to have if you want to redeem someone. So yeah, I think Sbice is off the table as possible candidates lol

Mystic is a different story from Sbice, and will probably end up being the second most likely, including the unreleased beasts.

I've got no idea how they're gonna make sloth into a villain, girlie who does nothin and can't bring themselves to do anythin at all doesn't really feel like someone who can cause much of a fight, and depending on the definition of sloth you're workin w you can attribute it to resting, which is important to any fighter. But especially since their original virtue is happiness I'm presuming sloth is going to be presented very similarly to Gheese's paradise, one w lavish existence, having all your needs met, drowning in fulfilment and no one has to struggle, because surely that leads to bliss-- which still doesn't make me read them as a villain to me, which yk, makes redeeming pretty pointless?

And mr Silence is uh, idk..? What the deal is? I don't read solidarity as a virtue or silence as a sin, i think tumblr knows more than most the benefit of silence actually lmao-- takin the quickest of googles to recheck my definition of solidarity ig its supposed to be unity? so like, teamwork? ig mby the more plain wording of the guy is virtue of Communication and then beast of Not Communicating, which ig I can see how that could make the girlie a villain if its done deliberately, which makes redemption I think at least a little less likely than Mystic but more likely than Sbice.

Anyways!! Tangent ahoy! Point is, I think Mystic is second most likely to be redeemed lmao

Both Smilk & Mystic has the same thing in common that makes me think that they're the likeliest to be redeemed: the continued belief in a 'good', non-beastly trait.

(I should preface that I saw Mystic's story as it was released, but I am rechecking through the logs just to make sure I'm not bein a blatant dumbass, but I might've missed somethin by skimming through the logs)

With Mystic though she doesn't have a ton of connection with Volition in the present day but she does have some-- compared to the past which is the inverse where she mostly had a connection w it but did waver, but only by a very slight amount, one that comes along with every idea of 'freedom': the dissonance between free action vs humanity/personhood. But in this situation unlike a lot of other examples its become her achilles heel. Some people's free will is to assault, murder, harass, maim, damage, rob, whatever else, and hell her (probably) supposed friend Sbice was most likely one of those people.

So what was the answer to deal with the people who were violent and cruel? She took their volition away, she wouldn't give them their wish, her method of displaying her virtue, completely going against it.

(if you want to argue that she did not choose to not grant their wishes but was instead physically unable because of her cocooning then she would still be making a choice to not fulfill her virtue for all cookies which was her goal, but i dont think that's that case anyways)

It's difficult to encapsulate how I believe she viewed her own virtue, I think she fully believed in the virtue in principle, the idea of free will is a good thing after all! Taking away people's free will is a bad thing! But the moment it had to be played out in practice it all fell apart for her, showing that she never really truly believed in it as a real concept along w its consequences, only the image of it, what she wanted it to be, not what it truly was

No, what Mystic wants is Cacao's virtue, Resolution, one of the earliest mentions what I can tell is Haetae pitting his & her resolution against each other, but it's something brought up time and time again, and something she displays over and over. It's something I saw about when the chapter was being released, she's really bad at the whole Apathy thing,

(I am running against the 30 image mark constantly, I have to trim this down, sorry lol, keep on reading to understand my formatting, also sorry if some of the order is incorrect I'm not double checking the chronological events of all these quotes beyond my first check before I had to remove the screenshots, I'm just trusting me from a couple hrs ago lol)

??? (Mystic): It is my purpose to protect Cookies with my unwavering willpower and lead them to Paradise. I enclosed myself in a cocoon for the sake of my followers. And yet the world seen from inside the cocoon was far from pure... Cookies putting their own green first, pushing and shoving to have their own wish fulfilled before anyone else...Witnessing this, my heart grew forlorn and empty. At first I believed this emptiness would crumble my dough, but my enclosed cocoon remained strong and intact throughout the ages. Time comes and goes as Cookies are baked and crumble once again... But I learned how to overcome time itself simply by being me. Just as I was one step away from becoming the Leavened One... Someone spread a false rumor that my cocoon was full of treasures. Mystic Flour Cookie: The cocoon was cut open with one slash of a sword. "Fake immortal," they said, just like you. ... What do you think of my story? Does it not make you feel... like everything is futile? No matter how strong your resolve is, no matter how hard you try, this world will never change. *** Mystic Flour Cookie: My soul jam, come to me. Return to your rightful owner. *** Mystic Flour Cookie: At last, I am complete. I can feel the force of Volition within. Mystic Flour Cookie: Return to nothing, as if you never existed in the first place. This is the world of perfect apathy... that I've been dreaming of. ***

she has desires/dreams of her own, hell she wants her souljam more than anything, the whole reason she was in the cocoon was for her people, one of the first things she says after bein released from the cocoon is a story where she reiterates her purpose & explains the reason she didn't kill herself was because of her resolution. the story itself is dumb as well, she concludes that everything is futile because, checks notes, some guys enacted upon their own volition? that story should be one that enforces your virtue not prove it doesn't work

bestie goes from "resolution? who's she? a worthless cause?" to "that resolution is mine actually" in like 2 sentences, she's a perpetually ideologically conflicted char

She explains a little bit as well in the beginning, how she came to the conclusion, one that once again doesn't go against her own virtue: that when one desire is met, you don't just cease to exist and will probably want more things ever in your life, which is the premise of volition? If you didn't have free will you wouldn't have the option to gain new desires, you couldn't achieve things you want w/o having the capacity and freedom to want, this whole ordeal is a part of the print, yet she takes it as a reason to believe everything is meaningless and nothing will change, revealing she's really lost the plot because she is looking insanely zoomed out lmao

as established later on, she sees every action as meaningless in the wake of infinity, but that would be more equatable as antithetical to volition, as the ability to make choices requires a timeframe, but it's not antithetical to apathy, as you can very much see infinity in an apathetic light but that is a choice you're making, ironically. You can see infinite as wonderous, as scary, as aspirational, as most emotions really-- personally i see infinity as worth fighting for, i think immortality is pretty neat, and frankly i dont think thats very apathetic of me lol

idk if you realized this mystic, but you're not asking for apathy *and* the removal of volition in any these sentiments, youre actually asking for complacency, which doesn't have to be antithetical to apathy but they're very close siblings, as you can be happy with what you have, ie not apathetic, and not want anything more, ie complacent, but because mystic doesn't realize any of this they act like apathy will solve the problem of bad people doing bad things, so will use the power of resolution to ensure that her idea of apathy, total death and later the acquisition of the souljam, will be enacted, because that's totally very apathetic of her /lh

Her belief in apathy is as strong as an emo teens belief in edgyness and dark eyeshadow, and has as much of a backbone as one of them. She doesn't truly fully believe in her apathy at all, no matter whatever she says otherwise, but she believes she has completely lost her belief in volition, even though she hasn't given all said previously. Apathy sounds like the closest answer to her loss in belief but the two ideas really have incredibly little relevance to each other in any intrinsic matter, the opposite of volition isn't anywhere close to apathy, in fact they aren't even antithetical, you can choose by your own will to be apathetic and not care, you can choose to lock yourself away, you can choose to value other things over emotion & desire-- all she is is a girlie who's pissed because bad guys exist and will use their free will to do bad things, thats it, it has nothing to do with apathy, she simply chose to see the world in that manner.

The only thing she does that's anywhere close to doing anything antithetical to volition is taking the people's choice away in living w her pale ailment, the victims didnt exactly choose to keep on living after all, but that seems more like a happy accident rather than something she would actually align with if she was truly Apathy, if she was apathy she would've just stayed in the cocoon, it doesn't matter what everyone else does, it doesn't matter what they think, it doesn't matter what i do, it doesn't matter if i live- a truly apathetic character couldnt bring themselves to act upon the idea that everyone should be as apathetic as themselves, because you would care then! it's very similar to my description of sloth, Apathy can't be a villain, so the way she's a villain is by being one of the most passionate and resolute people around whilst waving the flag around that she's totally apathetic guys trust me bro

also two rq mentions, firstly when mystic shows the kingdom w/o cacao she shows choco's subjects being devoted & choco choosing not only to be a leader but a good one at that & grieving his late father, she is truly incapable of imagining a person who's not driven by volition & resolution to some capacity, or at the very least if you want argue this is fabricated to specifically undermine cacao's resolution and not a depiction of what she thinks will realistically occur, she doesn't think apathy on its own is a convincing enough argument leading her to need to launder her ideology, which really is a great example of her believing it's inherent validity huh?-- and secondly that chippy didn't turn to futility or apathy when he got wooshed heh

(one thing im genuinely unsure about is how real these dustings are, they seem like they were just imagined up by mystic, but i forgor lol)

i've yapped way too long about someone who isnt smilk in a post about smilk lmao, but finally tldr, i believe she is a character who never commited to anything yet put her whole pussy into acting like she did lmao, she believed she was the virtue of volition yet folded when it actually displayed the reality, deciding to instead hold onto her idealized false version of it up to this day, and she claims to believe that she has achieved enlightenment and subsequently apathy yet cannot stop being resolute for 2 whole seconds lmao-- i don't think mystic has the capacity to return to being the virtue of volition, since she doesn't believe in it in a practical sense anyways and it'd be really really hard for them to justify why you should let ppl do assault, but I do think she can become a sister believer of resolution, she can't stop displaying her resolution through her conviction to apathy after all, no matter how much she insists otherwise. i also wouldnt be surprised if they gave instead a synonym, virtue of conviction or somethin heh

Even cacao realizes her, pity, her anxiety, her childishness, everything impossible to be whilst trying to be apathetic, she never succeeded in what she preached and it's blatantly obvious that's the case

feck, speaking of him, i should also talk about cacao shouldnt I? i'll try to be quick-- Cacao is not a man of incapability to forgive like Gheese, as long as you're not a threat to what he's resolute about he's generally fine, especially since he has also shown capacity of recognizing when he himself is in the wrong, it would for sure take a while and a third party would definitively be needed since i'm not sure if we've ever seen him change his mind w/o bein heavily pushed to do so, but in no way do I think w enough evidence that she means no harm would he not accept Mystic if she were to try to redeem herself, but she would probably have to do a lot to prove that to him before he would forgive and he'd watch from afar to see her actions

ok, finally, lmao, the smilk part, i'll try to make it longer than the mystic part so i dont feel like ive wasted your time w her /j who am i kidding all of this is a waste of time im an amateur in analysis and writing and also autistic idk any shit lol im just hopin im coherent and not inherently nonsensical

you might've noticed that as I wrote about the two previous beasts I've laid down the groundwork for some requirements, for features I believe are necessary for the possibility of redemption for any of these characters, which to speak plainly here:

They should have either elements of their previous virtue present in the current day or have the capacity to embark on the path of a new virtue.

Their belief in their beastly aspect should not be absolute and either be depicted as wavering, contradictory or partially believed in.

They should have the capacity to believe they are wrong and thus capable of learning to any degree.

The other half of their soul jam should not permanently reject them.

And uh, if you don't see where I'm going with this, yeah I think that is completely and unabashedly true for Smilk ^^ time to try to adequately prove it lol

Rightio then, how should I tackle this... have them all go down in order ig? or eh, i'll swap the last two, i think that makes it easier to explain, very well then

Coming back to this a little later this absolutely barely works lmao, I'm mostly just making a ton of sub categories that hopefully I can string into somethin coherent lmao, I'll try to make it sensible lol

... It seems I have reached the image limit....

Ok problem solving time, all quotes displayed like this are all quotes directly found from the game, I don't have the energy to source which chapter it is from as I haven't for any of the screenshots lol, but know that unless stated otherwise they are all found within the quest logs menu thing, hopefully thats a good enough middle ground, cause I have 0 energy to figure out how to work around the image limit, if there is a workaround-- I'm gonna reduce the redundant repetition of names since this text block doesnt have the same restrictions as the game does and to differentiate large walls of separate quotes the segment will end with a *** ... + when one of those separating lines of elipses occurs means some dialogue in the same section was skipped, as it's either filler or irrelevant to the point im making, i am trying to not source even more than i have to yk lol

As a final reminder before entering the Smilk section, ofc he fuckin lies, he lies a lot lmao, but a big part of what I'm going to be saying is that he does not lie all the time. I will sometimes put things into sections you might disagree w their authenticity in regards of truthful sentiments, if he is clearly lying about a subject that the quote is being categorized within, then the category probably isn't about assuming absolute truth is coming out of his face hole, it probably matters to the grander themes and messaging of the entire story lol.

They should have either elements of their previous virtue present in the current day or have the capacity to embark on the path of a new virtue.

Light of Truth...?: I govern all Truth and Deceit of this world. What you mistake for the power of Truth is but a cute tiny droplet in my limitless ocean of Knowledge. So! What am I?! Need another hint? I thought you would've solved my little riddle by now! Pure Vanilla Cookie: The one who governs all Truth and Deceit... The Master of All Knowledge...? Light of Truth...?: RING DING DING! *** Silverbell Cookie: It's all a lie! There's no way that His Majesty protected the seal for such selfish reasons... Wizard Cookie: Shadow Milk Cookie is the Cookie of Deceit. Of course he's full of lies! White Lily Cookie: He's not simply making up obvious lies, but weaving in threads of truth to his story... *** Fortune Teller Cookie: ... The lord of this tower is a Cookie all-knowing. Space and time intertwine in a myriad of reflections here. For in the realm of Knowledge, there is more than one truth. *** Shadow Milk Cookie: Ahem, rise and shine! Daydreaming again? Do understand, I'm not mad. I'm simply disappointed. For you fail to see the truth. THIS is not an other-realm. ... It's time to accept the truth you like so much, Pure Vanilla Cookie. *** Shadow Milk Cookie: The Truth... How do I put it? It has a rather ugly countenance. Some Cookies prefer the safety of a sweet lie, afraid to stick their head outside, to the cold reality. Others? They find a twisted pleasure in weaving deceit for their own benefit. I know exactly what you're thinking. BEEN THERE, so to speak! My boy, the universe once was but an open book to me. Time and space unfurled before my eyes. Truthless Recluse: Perhaps, it's not an easy task for those who haven't witnessed the majesty of Truth and Knowledge. *** Shadow Milk Cookie: Look at this fallen seeker of Truth. Your mind is like an open book!*** ??? (Sapph): The great Shadow Milk Cookie, Archmaster of all Knowledge and Deceit there is, played a genius stroke by leading our reckless foes right into his trap in the spire! ... And now, I invite you to sit back, relax, and forget about the boring notions of Truth and some such! Instead, join me tonight on our fantastical, magical journey...*** Shadow Milk Cookie: Ah, Cookies! They just love a good gossip, don't they? Something to gnaw on, truth or not. Black Sapphire Cookie: Excellently said, My Lord! A droplet of Truth in a concoction of Deceit works wonders! Soon, this world will kneel before you, Master Shadow Milk Cookie!*** Black Sapphire Cookie: Knowledge and Lies have existed since the very genesis of these lands. Master Shadow Milk Cookie's power is truly beyond all measure and comprehension! Shadow Milk Cookie: Lo and behold! I shall purge the darkness of the unknown and illuminate your future!

This point is the biggest reason why I thought he could ever have a redemption all along, because HE WON'T STOP TELLING US THIS IS THE CASE, he LOVES the truth, he LOVES knowledge, the only way to tell the truth is to know things, and the only way to lie is to also know things, a baby cannot lie, they don't know shit lol-- lying inherently and intrinsically is a distortion of knowledge automatically requiring his virtue to be a part of the equation, and smilk cannot shut up about how much he knows that to be true. He will preach the virtue of truth (this ones important dont gloss over it lol), he will choose to tell the truth, he will admit that he isn't lying, he will make his own truth. At no point did Sbice want abundance, and there was a single point where Mystic even admitted that she had a grain of volition within her and all other cases were accidental, but he will just. not. stop. mentioning. truth.

Pure Vanilla Cookie: I realized that my power and his... They are like two sides of the same Coin... What do I do? *** Light of Truth (Smilk): I am the Light of Truth. And the truth is... Your dreadful adversary and I. We might not be much different after all. One and the same... *** Pure Vanilla Cookie (Interspersed w Smilk): Truth and Deceit... Like two sides of the same Coin... Perhaps, those dreams are merely a trick to confuse me... A product of my power resonating to Shadow Milk Cookie's presence... ...!!! No, impossible!... Or is it?... Even so, he and I are different. Shadow Milk Cookie and I are different! And yet... that custodian's riddle... It was too easy... And this place... it feels oddly familiar. Ever since I gained my Soul Jam, I've come across so many questions without answer... I wonder... Did the Fount of Knowledge feel this too? All this doubt and confusion? Like I do? Pure Vanilla Cookie...?: All the roads I have ever taken... All the roads you have ever taken... They all lead to Him. Pure Vanilla Cookie: These are not my words! Once the Fount of Knowledge: You and I are bound... ... You will see.*** Pure Vanilla Cookie (Smilk): Knowledge, Deceit... Maybe they are not that different. ... Pure Vanilla Cookie...?: Oooh, looks like we have an expert in the audience! Shadow Milk Cookie: Very well, go ahead. Prove me wrong! *** Light of Truth...?: Why, you've said it yourself! We are like the two sides of the same coin! *** Shadow Milk Cookie: I know exactly what you're thinking. BEEN THERE, so to speak! My boy, the universe once was but an open book to me. Time and space unfurled before my eyes. You... You are merely following in my footsteps. ... Oh but it's inevitable. In the end, you will become... me! And it's gonna feel good!***

[That entire section lol ^] Gingerbrave: Phew! Pure Vnilla Cookie will play White! Shadow Milk Cookie: Huh? That doesn't seem right... Are you sure? Wizard Cookie: What?! That's cheating! Shadow Milk Cookie: Aren't we like two peas in a pod? I get that a lot! Heh. Sometimes it's hard to tell us apart! *** Truthless Recluse: I think I'm beginning to understand him. And... it fills me with fear and self-loathing.*** Shadow Milk Cookie: Oh, we are one and the same now! Meet the other Cookie of Deceit, Pure Vanilla Cookie!***

It is also repeatedly emphasized w PV & Smilk specifically, not any of the other beasts what i recall, that they are two sides of the same coin, unlike the other pairs who although are both representative of their respective virtue are incapable of existing with one another, these two are both aspects of knowledge and they need each others traits to exist as a whole, there can be apathy w/o resolution and there can be destruction w/o abundance, but there cannot be lies w/o truth and truth w/o lies is pretty antithetical to humanity, autonomy & consideration, which at least I think are decently important for ppl who, yk, give a shit at all, like pv lol. They both on separate instances deny it whenever it starts hitting just a smidge too close to home, but it's a theme that runs continuously throughout the entire story.

Shadow Milk Cookie: But then... a particularly wise Cookie, who had seen the truth of this world, appeared in his kingdom. Smart Cookie: And she said, "I've seen the truth of this world! It needs the strength of the Five Great Cookies to exist!" ***

I'm not sure if this is the best category to put it in, but since I mentioned the coin thing here I'll mention it here too, Smilk likes truth tellers and truth knowers, to at least some extent, someone who fervently believed otherwise I think would struggle to admit otherwise. I take that observation specifically off a video I saw a while ago, an acknowledgement of a strange behavior, that a conservative guy made a parody newshow of leftists based entirely on lying and struggled to stick to the bit, since the conservative doesnt believe trans ppl to be real and are just one gender pretending to be the other, you would then believe that the newshow that lies all the time would disagree and claim that they arent just pretending, but that would require for just a moment that the conservative guy has to say w his own words that trans ppl arent just pretending, and since the belief is so vehement that they are just pretending they cant for a second do what they believe to be lying and thus end up making the lying newsshow accidentally trans validation. Although I very much think Smilk to be physically capable of making such a lie, if he does indeed believe all these truthers to be foolish idiot morons, I don't think he could psychologically get himself to admit that.

And finally a little bit of a catchall of him generally displaying otherwise 'heroic' traits, stuff that could be compiled in that 'new' virtue, even if they are, ofc, twisted in some capacity, usually pretty heavily-- I'm well aware we're talkin about Smilk here dw this isnt me tellin me he's the good guy all along lmao

Shadow Milk Cookie: Shadow Milk Cookie couldn't forgive the foolish king for how unjustly he treated the Five Great Cookies! And so... He decided to dispose of the foolish Kinch and save his comrades! ***

Saving your friends and disposing of the villain is usually done by protagonists of all media, so why be a hypocrite for him?

Shadow Milk Cookie: Those False Heroes were nothing more than petty thieves. They stole the powers of the Five Great Cookies, who had been sealed away so unjustly, and used these powers at (a?) whim! ***

Ik this is gonna be shockin, but stealing is usually bad lol and being locked away unjustly is a decently common trope for heroes, even Gheese got that experience later on lol

crk on a couple occasions has believed the opposite idea, that lying is having your eyes closed and the truth vice versa, but for the characters of Smilk & PV it's the opposite, the man with his eyes closed at all times is the man who speaks the truth, and the one who has a heavy open eye motif is the liar, so any instance of either doing the opposite is worth considering. A different post made by someone i do not have the capacity to go check on, made me really really think about what that is, and although I don't think my answer is airtight, I think it is because of trust & the choice. In the same vain that cats will close their eyes around those they trust, if you believe something to be true then closing your eyes to not see any possible distortions of the truth is you choosing to trust that what you know is real. That's why way way back when mr was Healer Cookie, he didn't know the truth, and had to be shown it, because a blind fold isnt having your eyes closed voluntarily, his eyes were closed so he could not get new information until he took them off, but the truth wasn't real as the (metaphorical) ones who put them on him had an agenda. With deceit, which already is heavily associated as a choice anyways, is you choosing to take in new information about the world, all information, truth or not, your senses also being inherently biased, and you're not trusting at all. Again, I'm not fully confident about this interpretation, but I do at the very least feel like it has something to do with volition (teehee).

And the final point on this case, I'll get into the sage skin a little later, I think it needs the context of all the points for me to say the words in a coherent manner, but when you tap on him with his skin he will close both his eyes, indicating he is a truthful figure, and default Smilk will wink at you, one eye closed, the other open, he is both truth and deceit, he is to this day the virtue of knowledge

Their belief in their beastly aspect should not be absolute and either be depicted as wavering, contradictory or only partially believed in.

This section has sort of been made obsolete because of previous one, that Smilk cannot just shut his face about how much truth means to him, but I'll try to collect all the instances he just outright tells the truth here, w what I believe to be no caveats, manipulation or distortions. And I only mean sections that he could obviously lie, ofc if he's just expositing plainly or sentences w no comparable false equivalence then I'm not adding those, this isn't a dump to add all of his dialogue in one spot lmao. "..." is hard to make a lie out of lol

Shadow Milk Cookie: You may be celebrating your little victory for now... But heed my words! We have finally risen. Do not think that you can hold us back. ... Pure Vanilla Cookie: ...Shadow Milk Cookie's lies... always have a grain of truth in them. His last words sounded like a warning to us... Perhaps, they were truthful after all. ***

I'll move this section down from the previous category though, since this is the biggest instance of him displaying his antithesis to his beastly nature. The thing that is absolutely most interesting in terms of the idea that Smilk is just fully a believer of the truth specifically, is the chess game. The chess game is the peak point of why this has held me on such a chokehold. I'll summarize the game here for ya, once you read later into this whole text you'll know why I choose to not rely as heavily on quotes.

Besides Brave noticing that it's a big chess board, it is then established that "Each move is like a stimulating conversation, unfolding one step at a time!", which boy don't you know it lmao. The special rules of this version of chess is listed out, the most important one for this section is:

You surely have to realize how big of a deal this is? right? That the beast of deceit, who supposedly should fully have given up on knowledge, be a full believer of lies and intrinsically oppose the Light, chose on his own to play a game with no lies, exclusively with the truth involved, for the sake of gaining knowledge? He's just returning to his Fount days here, the only difference is that he's a bit more of a maniac but that doesn't inherently devalue his connection to his past and mirrored virtues, he's fully and completely demonstrating that not only would he be capable of reform in theory, but that he doesn't even need reform in his belief, he still believes in knowledge and he still believes in the truth, why the hell else would he employ tactics he wouldn't believe in? The entire crux of his own fall is his lack of conviction and self confidence on his own end, and this shows clearer than any scene that he fully still believes in his old virtue, and we know the reason he fell all those days ago into the beast is because Cookies rather choose the sweet, savory taste of Deceit over the harsh reality of the Truth, not because he himself stopped believing in it, abso-fuckin-lutely does it make sense that he never ever shuts up about Truth, because he hasn't given up on it, it's integral to his current believed ideology after all.

Cough, anyways, there's more to the chess scene lol.

He then does his first act of cheating ever, all of his previous acts of deceit technically hasn't broken any rules, implicitly or explicitly, and then possibly argues that he sees Pv as the same as him.

Once the missing chess pieces are acknowledged and the gang gets turned into them, curiously Smilk Points out that they volunteered and wasn't forced by Smilk, which also curiously was a point mentioned earlier this chapter where Pv on his own accord went to the spire. He's starting to point just straight up facts, another word for truth, he's doing it for a point he wants to make later, but it's interesting that the first time he does it is when he was the peak of his villainy, ie peak deceit, so therefore had no reason to speak the truth yet did it anyways and the second time when he's the most Fount he'll ever be this entire chapter.

Shadow Milk Cookie: Let's get this game going! You gotta tell the truth, only the truth, and nothing but the truth! Or your pieces won't move!

He begins with what he believes will be an easy question for Pv, what is a lie? Answered as "... The antipode of truth." Which we can't inherently take as a fact, not in our current state at least, we've got no way of knowing if this is some sort of cosmic entity controlling the board or if Smilk is determining what is the truth, but I think it's easier to assume that it's his belief, especially since it'd be inline with his other conclusions. The second question is however a lot more interesting, what is the truth? which is answered as "The only right thing that must be protected." and that is right, and as we just moments prior established, odds are the answers are what Smilk believes, Smilk agrees with this answer, he also believes that truth is the only right thing and must be protected. This is extraordinarily close to being an outright admission that he's not even a beast, he has no stakes in deceit, he doesn't believe in deceit, it's not right and it shouldn't be protected, he's most likely firmly in team Truth, but because he is so caught up in, ironically, his own game, he doesn't even realize that he's done such a blunder. If you think that interpretation takes it too far, then at the very least what factually did happen is that he was laughing, finding this exercise fun and kept playing, what he didn't do is disagree, or call the board wrong, or say that the board is lying. The next question is probably the closest we get to confirmation that he is controlling what is and isn't truth here, as Pv answers the question he believes to have understood which causes the piece to move but then stop in its tracks to indicate a wrong answer, if he had misunderstood the question and Smilk wasn't in charge I don't think the piece would've jammed in place like that, but Smilk's intent is to prod at Pv, so making the process as painful as possible is a part of that goal.

He is absolutely ecstatic about truly catchin Pv in a lie, he's been pretty quiet or hostile up until this point, and he seemed unsatisfied with the river situation, but here, he truly, legitimately and fully caught him in a lie, for the first time. And then proceeds to be a bad winner about it lmao, but importantly is in love with the possibiltiy that Pv might not know the difference between right and wrong, which, once again, ironically, is happening to him this entire match lol

Shadow Milk Cookie: Ah, what a thrilling game! Looks like I have the upper hand! He he he he he!

Mans is lost in the sauce lol. When he notices the souljam reating he pivots into talking about White Lily, which really seems to affect Pv poorly to Smilk's excitement, and then once again goes at it from the angle that he's not at fault, that this is actually all Pv's fault. Where he then just says the funniest thing huh.

Shadow Milk Cookie: In the end, it all comes down to a very simply conclusion. If the so-called "truth" were the only right thing, it would've granted you the power to overcome all the odds you've been up against! Whose fault is it?

Don't tell Smilk which category this is in, or the words he said like 3 paragraphs ago lmao, he'd be fuming right about now xddd

As Pv admits that he agrees, that he is weak and is all at fault, Smilk bursts into laughter and starts taunting Pv, absolutely adoring watching him fall further and further. But then does another really funny thing.

Shadow Milk Cookie: If I was able to bring you down so easily... That makes me your Truth, doesn't it?! Yours and everyone else's! ... And so, the ultimate Deceit becomes the ultimate Truth! Now that's right up my alley!

Smilk go 5 seconds in this chess match not being your own antithesis challenge level impossible lmao.

He then repeats an idea he said in one of the first chapters, something that because I've organized this poorly that I don't think y'all know about yet, that Smilk wants to control Pv, and that pv and just relax and follow his command. Smilk with his final question pulls out his testing of the waters, what he truly believes in, going full project blast canon lmao-- Since he believes his endeavour of knowledge was futile, that his sharing of the truth was landed on deaf ears, perhaps his own vision was incorrect all along, was his entire purpose, his life? A lie? And that filled him w supposedly enough regret to get him to beastify. So now he believes he has put Pv through the same feelings, the same disappointment, the same futility, the same disproving, that he must also regret his whole life now. But he reacts unexpectedly, he starts laughing, to the confusion of Smilk, where Pv starts to just cheat..... Which Smilk LOVES, he LOVES it SO much, the projection being completely and utterly dodged doesn't matter at all, because Pv is becoming more like him!! He is clearly embracing deceit!!! He is far more than overjoyed at this moment, the loudest and most excited his own entourage has ever seen. He admits that he thought Pv still had more resolution, but this here showing proved otherwise and commends him for the act, adoring that Pv is fulfilling his potential and using his own tricks.

I really, really hope that I've at least a little bit conveyed how much this entire game revealed Smilk's full hand with this game, seemingly entirely beneath his very own nose: he displayed he still believes in truth and knowledge, that he doesnt believe in deceit, that he views himself as the ultimate truth, that he's torn down his own defences around Pv a fuckton, and I'm not sure if he event knowingly told a single lie during the entire match, just prodded the guy and faked a single coin. If anything at all killed his chances to win as a villain it was the chess game, it undermined his power internally and externally a huge amount, and he never recovers it again.

The other half of their soul jam should not permanently reject them.

(ie, the pv analysis also included in here lol)

Pvs change into acceptance is definitively most obvious at the very end, and I'll ofc show my work even if everyone knows it, especially if you follow the smilk tag and are the likeliest to read this lol-- but it did not begin at the end, nor is it exclusive to the latest chapter, there has been drips of it earlier.

Shadow Milk Cookie: Out of these false heroes, which ones is only half a Cookie? ... Gingerbrave: None of them! Shadow Milk Cookie: WRONG!!! ... Pure Vanilla Cookie: The right answer is... All of them. Shadow Milk Cookie: ..... RING DING DING!!! Did you hear that?! A correct response from our sharp audience! My my, I'll let you advance to the next round!*** Shadow Milk Cookie: Out of these three Cookies... Who is the biggest liar? ... Pure Vanilla Cookie: The biggest liar is... me, Pure Vanilla Cookie. ... Pure Vanilla Cookie: ... It's correct, isn't it? Shadow Milk Cookie: Unbelievable! You got it right again! RING DING DING!!! That Pure Vanilla Cookie knows his thing! I'm impressed, I must say!... Indeed, what is pure, unquestionable truth if not deceit...?

PV is always the one to answer all of Smilk's og quiz questions correctly (the ones he's allowed to answer at least lol, and the one that he wasn't allowed to answer was answered "wrong"), which not only establishes that they are to some capacity on the same wavelength from the very start not just because smilk is in the souljam lol so it isn't a result of his very pleasant stay at his tower /lh but also each time Smilk not only respects the answer, he also ignores the previously established (unquoted) punishment in favor of Pvs correct answer on the first one and on the second one compliment him, establishing at least some sort of report for Smilk to recognize

Also wanna take a quick moment on that second set of quotes, to further re-establish that 100% truth cannot exist w/o lies, and to elaborate to make me not seem insane here lmao, it's the same principle as "history is written by the victors" or however the phrase goes, objective truth does not necessarily equate to described truth, nor does a telling of truth automatically mean that the entire truth is revealed since that is quite difficult to do, whatever information you omit will change the way the information is ingested by the audience, and it doesn't have to be the case of lies by omission to our perspective either, you can describe you playing with your kid on a playground, a fully true statement, but you omitted that it was raining when you were outside, the omission I'd be hard-pressed to call a lie personally but it changes the story quite drastically. And even if you don't agree w this sentiment, at bare minimum that's the world that crk has established in these chapters to be true, and I think it is inferable that Smilk would find those omissions to be lies.

(Read aloud by pv): And thus did the all-devouring heart of darkness fall into slumber... The Beast-binding Rituatl of the Witches demands a great wisdom and even greater sacrifice. It much be conducted by someone who is ready to pay the price. This power lies hidden, far and out of reach, for you are forbidden from meddling with magic beyond you ken. Now, The Spire of All Knowledge stands without a master... where all knowledge began, and there it shall remain, as long as there is light. You who dares lay hand on the forbidden knowledge! After many a hardship, may you find the answer your seek... Pure Vanilla Cookie: The master of the Spire... It's about Shadow Milk Cookie, without a doubt. He could be there... Awaiting me... Without a doubt, having gained a physical form, he will pose a much greater threat... Our encounter can't be avoided. No matter if I fear it or not. The Beast are regaining their former power. All the more reason to face them and put and end to their evil. For the good of all Cookies, of the entire world!

The book planted specifically to trick the gang to go to the spire instantly gets snuffed out by PV, he notices instantly that the tower is Smilk's and its likely to contain the man himself, he goes not because he's tricked as Capple believes and relays in her overworld dialogue w smilk, but by his own volition (teehee)

At no point does he get legitimately tricked by Smilk specifically, all the times he does get tricked they're not by cookies with the eyes that are shown in the portraits to be a consistent feature or the flashbacks where the eyes are always eventually shown-- all the pain he goes through is either his own resolution (teehee) to be kind or his kindness being taken advantage of, but he is always in tune w Smilk

Bit annoyin to put the entire interaction down so there's the entire section lol [04 Young Shepherd Cookie], but the entire one of the wolfherd (which I don't think is Smilk, as explained earlier) is an example of him bein taken advantage of, he prioritizes kindness over being suspicious of the kid even though he has already acknowledged they are surely in Smilk's domain-- but once the kid is established to be safe & help is offered Pv then doesn't say a word and generally just acts surprised at the story, until the very end where the gang is talking amongst themselves recognizing that they've been tricked, First Strawberry, then Gingerbrave, then Wizard... But not Pv, he implicitly establishes to the team that kindness is more important than the lying, and recognizes internally that this is Smilk's presence in effect.

The story after is one that can be interpreted as Pv lying, cookie is dying before him, and he tells the cookie what I would argue to be ethical lies, which is that the cookie will be fine. The absolute last thing you want a dying patient to do is give up, you need them to follow your orders, and you need them to believe it will work, because if they don't that's just a self fulfilling prophecy and they are much more likely to go kaput. He suspected that it might be too late but not for a second did that stop him from trying, but since this was an artificial situation to begin w nothing was going to work, ofc. And once Pv finds out that this is another (non Smilk performed) trick and that his kindness has once been taken advantage of, he once again reinstates that kindness is more important and keeps wanting to help the cookie out.

And the final one after, the one with the towerkeeper, is harder at least for me to determine, keeping one of his eyes closed automatically puts him on the sus meeter as a truthful speaker, the way he presents his question as a riddle instead of a quiz yet formats and phrases his question the exact same as Smilk, praising Pvs answer, but also Pv not seeing through the trick if it was performed by Smilk, at most I'd argue that he may be the third closest connection Smilk has but that's very much flimsy and unbiased heh (unrelated but idk why white lily leaves except exclusively to make the story less crowded lol)

Pure Vanilla Cookie: We must look carefully for any clues on the ritual. ... Apple Faerie Cookie: Oh yes... It's as if everything we knew... was wrong! Pure Vanilla Cookie: Let us not jump to conclusions. Perhaps, it's another test... We must keep searching. ... Perhaps, it's a trick to make us stray from our path.

Pvs order of priority the moment of entering the spire is Kindness - Searching for the ritual, then Suspicion - is this another trick, then Confirmation - yes this is a trick, im recognizing this is a stretch which given the experiences w the wolfherd and the dying cookie is decently consistent w how he reacts to non smilk made lies

Pure Vanilla Cookie: The Light... of Truth...? This is... the Dark Side of the Moon... Another dream. ... ... What are you saying? Are you not... my guiding light? Light of Truth: Do not doubt me, Pure Vanilla Cookie...! I am the Light of Truth. Your old friend. All this time, I've been illuminating your path. Fore a long, long time... Even when you were smaller than your Cream Lamb.

Tbh to be frank idk what happens here lmao, he should be fully aware that the light is compromised and even recognizes that this is the moon, so absolutely smilk's influence here... yet he still believes the light to not be smilk...? But at least i think its reasonably inferable that the moment that the cream lamb is mentioned thats when Pv suses stuff out, I really dont know with this one gang, if ya wanna use this as the bullet to shoot my analysis down there's not much I can argue lmao

(The cards): Fshh... Gingerbrave: Huh? What are these cards? They have peculiar markings on them...! Pure Vanilla Cookie: These are tarot cards. Fortunate tellers use them to read someone's future.

Also I don't think Smilk pulls any tricks that Pv himself isn't previously aware of, the moment recluse in the inn brings out the tarot cards Pv immediately knows what they are, I don't think Pv was at all confused what chess was about lol

Fotune Teller Cookie: This way! ... Follow me, now! We're Safe. They won't reach us here ... ... No wonder. After all, this is the Spire of Deceit. Here, have a Jelly. Gingerbrave: Huh... Whoah! Thanks! But we have no time! We need to save our friend! Fortune Teller Cookie: No. You must go back. ... Don't you understand? You cannot win the battle against the Beast of Deceit. ... You'vebeen deceived by someone you trusted. You couldn't see the illusions of the Spire for what they were. So, tell me. How can you save your friend? ... ... If there's still a friend to save. *** Fortune Teller Cookie: Wait. ... I must ask one last question. Does your resolve remain strong? Are you sure you won't regret your choice, come what may? ... ... Follow me. You will only meet more foes down this path. I will show you a safer road.

Now when we're actually in the spire, we can also keep a closer eye on the fortune teller, since we know that he and Pv are on in the same, and we're not going to go into any details as to why teller cause we're instantly going to get into weird timey winey shenanigans lmao. The first what we see of teller once entering the spire is exclusively kindness, he is terrified of the beast but his priority is getting the people out of there. But once the gang absolutely refuses to follow his word, his kindness shifts, if he cannot ensure their safety, he will at least help them to the best of his ability.

Pure Vanilla Cookie: This place... Looks different but feels the same. As if it has revealed its true colors. I must get back to my friends. ...?! These portraits... They all depict Shadow Milk Cookie! They all look different, but it's unmistakably him!*** Pure Vanilla Cookie: This must be Shadow Milk Cookie when he was still called "The Fount of Knowledge"... Everyone is looking up to him. But there are some Cookies who chose... to deny reality. They rejected the bitterness of the world in favor of the sweetness of Deceit... He must have walked a solitary path... ***

Further establishment that the instant Smilk tries to pull off any trickery, although these just bein portraits and not him literally, Pv will instantly snuff it out. And also that enforcing that they're on the same wavelength, that once again when it isn't hittin too close to home he will relate to Smilk.

In the entirety of 18, 19 & 20, he immediately fights back against Smilk, multiple occasions pointing out that he's not telling the truth, being resolute (teehee, ok ill stop lol) in his own self, in a very few occasions faltering for just a step but then immediately regaining his ground. He's not stoic and he is struggling yes, but he has 3 things he believes in and he's not going down yet heh.

Also the next one 21, I'm not super confident if this fictional section lets Pv have any autonomy? But if we assume he does he once again prioritizes kindness over smilk/his tricks, as he heals a cookie even if it means smilk knows his location, he will 100% risk a fight or even dyin if it means he can save at least one other cookie.

And then we get the teller decrying how they never change and turning into recluse scene, or well, sorta, but shh we're not talking about the time travel its weird lmao-- where I mostly just want to mention the connection to the earlier point I made, the shaky interpretation, that the "reason" he turned into the recluse was because he had his eyes open to all the lies, he didn't close his eyes to the lies and let them in, clouding his judgement.

And now we've finally entered the latest chapter, where I should immediately apply our framework that we have to view the entire chapter through:

I'm letting this one tick down my image count, because it's that important. It's admitted at the very end, that this whole recluse thing was an act all along, that he tricked smilk, because Smilk can never lie to Pv and have him not notice it, that image I sent earlier? The one where pv is looking into the mirror and sees smilk? I think thats what he means when they "became one" and knew that smilk was lonely, so yes, before the fall, he knew-- He was still very fragile, very fickle, it wasn't like he was stoically going through the experience, very little would've convinced him to give up, but he knew there was a light to go towards and take advantage of, that tiny light was enough to keep him trucking, to keep him lying, to keep his resolution. I should also make it clear why I think the "becoming one" was that scene and not the scene where he becomes souljam of deceit x2, since I believe that's the scene that most people will assume that is referring to not the one I believe it to be, and tbh... i don't really have facts facts to back either of them up, neither of them sound like good candidates for being the scene, I don't think becoming 2 can be automatically instinctually argued as becoming 1 lol, hell idek what the (unquouted) "I saw your records." is referring to, but all I can do is present my case why it makes more sense for Pv to have been acting the whole time, instead of truly having given up and only the last couple minutes did this specific spark of hope work and not one of the dozen other ones.

So, with that down, once we go to the first part of the latest chapter, is that we know the consistent behaviour for Pv is to instantly snuff Smilk out, when Smilk is not involved he will go in the order of Kindness > Suspicion > Confirmation, his entire full and complete motivation + light at the end of the tunnel is his friends, his goal is to make smilk let his guard down (+ presumably make it out alive), and if at all possible in the slightest; befriend smilk. Alright? We're on the same page? Final chapter time heh. I will be going through the entirety of it in a summarizing fashion, adding in my own reasoning for the claim I made earlier and will quote things whenever I think it establishes things, instead of just the quotes being contextless.

First ep doesn't include any Pv, but it shows Smilk being more brazen w his lies, no longer are they sprinkled w truth, this ep is pretty much peak "villain", yes, even more villain than him gettin 2 deceit souljams, he is relishing in his first major step in victory, a footnote I make later in this diatribe because I cannot order these points to save my life, is that Smilk has long wanted Pv in his clutches, before Pv entered the spire did he intend to capture Pv.

So in ep 2 o with that accomplished he is joyous and flaunts his power to Pv. Pv however is silent and Smilk immediately tries to pry out information from him, guessing what could possibly be on his mind. Pv however has incredibly little interest in being swayed by the power display and nagging, his interest lies is solely within his friends, as although not directly confirmed word for word it seems after Pvs 'goodbye', his absolute rock bottom, Smilk took the gang away, the fear of them being harmed once again awakening Pvs kindness, even for only the tiniest smidgeon, I gotta reiterate this is incredibly fickle, if Smilk were to go hard on Pv rn he would probably give up entirely, the light can just barely rarely get Pv to act in accordance to pre-recluse in its current state. His plan to deceive Smilk isn't in process yet, he's mostly just processing what's happening to him and mostly letting his impulses guide him through the events. Smilk enjoys plucking the obvious weakpoint of Pv, but once again Smilk's nagging isn't his friends, so he doesn't really bother with it. Since Smilk is actively plucking said string, weakening that light, when he brings them out Pv doesn't respond, leading Smilk to poke a little further. A timeskip occurs where Smilk "toys" with the gang, whatever that means, and establishes that the only reason any of the gang is alive is due to his non-violent desires, where he then gets distracted ig? And grabs Pv, threatening to grab the souljam, Pv immediately recoiling and supposedly going to claim that its his, and since he's mostly on autopilot and Beat To Hell Mentally he gets pretty pissed, so Smilk's prodding finally gets an answer he likes out of Pv, but fully believes there is more boiling under Pvs skin so prods further to get him to lash out further. The gang interrupts trying to assure Pv to keep on fightin, and whilst Sapph tries to threaten them further with the legacy of Smilk, but that doesn't deter Brave at all. Smilk decides however to take the moment to, I think enter the souljam? Where he notices how unstable it is, who would've thunk it ikr, where its then established that his plan probably only extended to the recluse stage, after having a little bit of fun w recluse he would then take the souljam and move on, but because of how fragile it is he gets curious, where he then decides to see how far down he can go, the very next sentence admitting he changed his mind from whatever it was before.

They're then all taken to the river, where they just explain that truthtellers drown and those who "embrace deceit" don't, woot exposition lol. Pv however havin been rallied by his friends moments before being sent here but also still being pretty pissy snaps back, establishing his own autonomy, wherein Smilk does a wonderful job immediately undermining the tiniest pushback he got lmao. Oh I should probably mention its the choice of him or his friends right? So yeah, kindness wins out, without a word he chooses himself and heads straight into the river. And as we know earlier, his friends is the stated reason why he got out of the river, and I believe once he gets out of the river, after maybe hearing all of the confident blabberin from Smilk and definitively the blasted hoorays from after he re-emeges, is when he gets his plan to trick Smilk is in action.

His eyes being closed the moment he emerges from the water has nothing to do with that conclusion, just btw /j, lh

I do think he did hear what they were saying when he was under the water, as asking "... Are you satisfied now?" directly replies to their previous disappointment, in finding him just drowning instantly to be anticlimactic, with the ensuing excitement as I previously explained ensures. And just to make it a little clearer, I believe this is the moment where he sets his plan to deceive Smilk, yk, perhaps, oh, idk, he "embraces deceit" and that allowed him to complete the requirements laid out by the river?

The chess scene is where things get really, really intersting for Smilk, but I think I'm going to put that in the earlier section, and leave any Pv relevant parts here. So yes since you're reading the finished product you would've already known my dissection of the chess game, teehee.

As the rules get explained and Wizard questions the "No lies" rule, Pv seems to be implied to be physically repulsed by the idea, but doesn't say anything, since Smilk notices that he doesn't want to play the game. The coin gets flipped, the coin is rigged, Smilk goes first. Ik I mentioned this quote earlier in the two sides of a coin section, "Aren't we like two peas in a pod? I get that a lot! Heh. Sometimes it's hard to tell us apart!", but I want to elaborate a tiny bit on the point, because this is the first time we ever see Smilk cheat, which yes I talked about earlier but this is about Pv lol, he deceives and lies, but he hasn't ever broken any implicitly or explicitly stated rules before this point, so I think it's one of 3 options, the least meaningful one is that he is talking about how they look similar, you simply mistook my face for Pv's how silly of you, or the two remaining options, that Smilk also sees Pv as a cheater or re-enforcing previous information where he believes Pv to be the biggest liar in the world, and tbh I think it's probably a mix of both. Afterwards the comment about the lack of chess pieces arises, and ofc the friends get turned into pieces, which he doesn't seem to react a ton to either. Though if I can extrapolate a bit farther than I think is reasonable for the claim I've made, I think he is just paying attention to what Smilk is saying, as we also know that Pv knows, that Smilk is full of suspicions, so if you want to trick the master of lies, you really need to know what he truly believes in. Now he no longer is just defensive and trying to protect his own resolution, he is now trying to calculate what Smilk's truth is, which in turn makes him sturdier-- But ofc only like, by 1% maybe, he ain't recovering for a while lmao. Pv says his first words this entire ep when he answers Smilk's proposed easy question, what is a lie. And then the second answer also doesn't bring a ton of insight into Pv, but the third does, as its designed to provoke Pv. The original question is "How do we judge what is right?" which gets instantly contorted into absolute nonsense, mans a weasel here lmao, and it instead turns into a question of "When you blew up the souljams (I think is what happened) for what you believed to be the greater good, would you do that again?" to which Pv denies, leading to the piece getting stuck some more.

It seems the implied answer is that because Pv adamantly and continuously refuses to give another answer, Smilk and then continuously get free moves, though the first thing we see is him being quiet some more. Though his souljam (wherever it is lol) is physically reacting in some manner, as once again it is reacting to his friends. After having been mostly quiet this entire match, and only showing much of any stronger emotion by being surprised at Smilk's weaseling but quickly regained his composure, he finally snaps at Smilk again, when White Lily, his best friend, is brought up, and havin to think about her really aint makin him feel too good lol. But after being nagged about it by Smilk he seems to snap out of it, and returns to quiet fuming. Smilk pivots then once again, to establish a point he has been making, which is that everything is Pv's fault, which Pv has now seemed to have caught up on as Smilk's intention, as he replies "... You're right. Perhaps... It's entirely my fault..." with a totally not suspicious annoyed expression on the model, which causes Smilk to immediately burst into laughter and ecstatic. He goes on this tirade about how pathetic Pv is, that he's not the cookie of deceit and how Smilk is not the ultimate truth, but Pv as usual doesn't say much. Smilk then at least sounds like he pulls out his trump card, since Smilk has now thoroughly broken down Pv's perception of truth so that in turn obviously means Pv's point of existance, yk, truth, as pointless and a lie in of itself, shouldn't Pv regret his life for having followed this false ideology? But Pv here has his own ace card to play, noticing the weakness in Smilk's ideology Pv refuses to answer, if he's the cookie of deceit now, which as established earlier, means they can cheat, that means Pv can now cheat, and proceeds to immediately save his friend from immediate peril whilst laughing maniacally to hide the true intent of his actions. This act seems to have taken the wind out of him and he spends the little while recovering whilst Smilk is laughing harder than ever before. After recovering from his laughing fit he commends Pv for not being foolish and surprising him. Unbeknownst to Smilk, he is revealing his own hand, that Smilk is lowering his guard.

Now with the chess game over, Wizard seems awfully eager for the next activity, where we immediately get a great quote from Smilk.

Shadow Milk Cookie: Cookies fear what they don't understand. Always so quick to fill that void with the first thing that fits their belief system! Anything, really!

Given that's entierly true for Mystic, reasonably true for Sbice and technically true for Smilk, I have a feeling I might know at least a little bit how the other two beast's will work lol. Once again, the story repeats, game is introduced, this time it's cards, and friends get in trouble, whoopsies. This time however Pv has had enough, accidentally regressing the upper hand he had gotten from the previous game, whoopsies lol, where he snaps at Smilk to stop involving the friends, and that this is between only them-- he couldn't contain his desire for kindness, and seeing them threatened so often was getting to him too much. Smilk with this reveal of weakness keeps his cards (teehee) incredibly close to his chest, getting more reinforcement that the friends are the ticket to his broken jam. This game along with the chess game is also all about telling the truth, and if they "lie", whatever that means for tarot cards, they get shredded for it. I saw someone like yesterday talk about how interesting the cards answers were, but I'm running on the finest fumes Adhd can give, so I don't remember any of that whatsoever lmao; they should probably be a neighbouring post if this guy doesn't get shadowbanned for being a billion words long. The cards then threaten to do bodily functions cookies shouldn't be able to do but we aren't going on that tangent either lmao. Smilk places all the upset cards out, and asks Pv to pull out the desired cards, who initially refuses but quite quickly folds (teehee, feck I said I would stop that lol) and picks some anyways, where the gang loudly try to rig the cards, to which Smilk just finds cute & pathetic. It turns out that by the force of some kind, most likely Smilk himself, the terrible unfortunate cards are consistently drawn every single time for Pv who doesn't react much, and after trying over and over he decides to instead draw for himself, which then something physically occurs to Pv? I'm not sure what he just hurks over for a second and then doesn't get followed up upon lol. After Smilk rigged his own tarot cards, he then lets Pv try again, to the absolute befuddlement of his entourage, but Pv doesn't accept the offer, not wanting to let Smilk win. But since Smilk for some reason really wants Pv to practice the cards he doesn't go very hard on his prodding this time, instead throwing out some empty threats and focusing on pivoting to showing Pv his room so that he can totally go practice his tarots in there instead, of course establishing that escape is no option. And the final panel is Pv being confused about something, but I'm not sure if it's because of Smilks handing of cards over to Sapph or if Capple is that loud in her anger.

I'm gonna skip most of the Capple drama, I'm mostly confused why the writers wrote her that way? I don't really read it as out of character inherently but it's just, weird? Why'd you do that lol. But the duo does talk about how weird it is for Smilk to behave this way. Also not sure what that really tells about any of the people involved, but Smilk has not informed the duo adequately how he feels about Pv, so they just think he's emotionally no different than any normal cookie, instead of, yk, pining /lh,

After that weirdness occurred, Smilk threatens to murder Capple, so ngl I'm not gonna guess they've got a great personal relationship together.

Then just. filler I think? I'm not sure why we learn the functions of deceit, it doesn't really seem pertinent. Might just be crk wanting to throw in some ideas they had idk lol

Some more filler but then jumpscare Smilk has a curiosity he wants to fulfill, since this entire time his actions could be in theory completely dictated by his very presence, yes? So what happens when Smilk isn't around, will Pv crack?

Pv however, believes he still has the upper hand, he's now in that final step of that plan, he has to make Smilk believe that he won, but that does mean being technically mean to his friends, which he does apologize for later heh. He doesn't actively aggro his friends though, he just keeps emphasizing his "loyality" to Smilk, with a pertinent point being.

Truthless Recluse: I think I'm beginning to understand him. And... it fills me with fear and self-loathing. Wizard Cookie: Shadow Milk Cookie thinks he made you join his side! He thinks he's won! Truthless Recluse: ... He is not wrong.

Besides him describing Smilk's innermost feelings almost to a T, when your own friends tell you to your face your plan is working, I think you're doin an alright job w your deception lol, He goes on a long monologue about how much he doesn't care and how he's the greatest liar ever. However, something goes awry, really awry, in fact, it wasn't just me analysing the scenes who noticed, the friends in fact noticed Pv's behaviour. They start questioning his character, which instantly breaks Pv's character, and then they list out all the actions Pv has committed to keep his friends safe this entire time, whilst struggling to find the words as he has no good answer as to why he would've saved them if he truly, genuinely, didn't care for them anymore, if they really meant nothing to him, if he truly gave up all the way back, why are any of his friends alive right now?-- they bombard him with the truth of his actions, where he then gives up trying to talk back. After a long pause he instead brings out the tool he knows that Smilk, will enjoy, the tool that will cement his connection with Smilk, that neither party will be able to tell him that he's lying right now, the tarot cards, and seals his friends away.

Sapph comes in to collect them, where Pv acts his cruellest, for the first time actually dismissing his friends completely, which I absolutely can see the argument that this is proof that he truly doesn't care about them. I would however argue that Pv was overcompensating, he knows he will never harm them, and so far that has been entirely within his control, Smilk so far has never harmed the gang directly so Pv has had plenty of proof that turning them in will likely not endanger the gang, keeping the gang around would also harm his deception extraordinarily so, super mega so, it might genuinely completely ruin his entire trick, if he showed any mercy at all in the slightest to his friends might tip Smilk off that his kindness has been growing as time has gone on, not diminishing, but because of their grilling of him he was terrified of the possibility, so like i said i believe, he overcompensated, surely there's no way Smilk thinks I'm lying if I had no interest at all whatsoever in the slightest of accepting their offer. I am so mean and evil, Smilk won't suspect a thing and my friends won't be harmed.

Smilk, which I believe was implied to be floating outside of the window spying on Pv, knows that "he failed to get his friends to leave", so twists that into Pv now missing his friends, and proposes a solution, one that Pv can already tell what said solution is. Smilk is excited once more that Pv is becoming more like him, not only does he use the same tricks, not only can he now do tarots, but he now knows what games they're going to play.

Then they just, participate in the game, Brave accidentally spoils the ending by saying he knows their friends wouldn't turn on them, I wonder who that could be about /lh. Smilk starts prodding Pv again, who wordlessly rolls the dice. After a couple rounds Smilk comments on how boring this game is, and Pv explains that they've basically got infinite resolution, which is either a really bad play by him, or Pv's intimate understanding that Smilk's guard is so low that he knew that Smilk would do exactly what he'd do, which is brush it off and ignore it. The mistake that truly happens though is not limited to Pvs, the friends call out to him and tell him to stay determined, and Pv trying his best to keep his stoicism his souljam struggles to lie the same, leading to Smilk noticing that the string can still be plucked, and decides to see what happens if it snaps.

Smilk has to some capacity restrained the gang, expressing tiredness from their lack of appreciation, imposing the power over his land, reiterating his strength, all to turn to Pv, and ask him instead for a solution to these pesky cookies, who asks what he wants him to do, but Smilk insists that Pv should have to make the choice, surprising Pv. Which then leads to Smilk revealing the optoins, as usual, kill the gang or give over the souljam. This is admittedly one of the only points of contention with the claim I made ages ago at this point lol, how would he change the color of the souljam if he wasn't really losing his truth here, the biggest stretch I could give is that he's not abandoning his truth, he is instead prioritizing deceit. He is building up to this moment after all, he knows that Smilk is currently at his lowest defence right now, so convincing him he is an ally through becoming the thing he knows Smilk wants, becoming a cookie of deceit, seems like a logical thought process for him to have, I just, really don't know if that'd convert the color of his jam though lol, maybe its excusable enough that it only converts halfway. He then hands over the half white souljam over to Smilk, who immediately pulls the rug under Pv, because he is pissed off at the gang for being such a nuisance this entire time, and he also knows that its the remaining tether between Pv becoming exactly like him, and off the tower they go, devastating Pv.

He pleads for answers, but Smilk just taunts him, and brings back the ace from ages ago, he's been planting the seeds for Pv to believe that Smilk is innocent after all, this is him cashing it in. He reveals his guard wasn't actually that low, and that he had noticed the fact the gang are still alive. I'm not sure how to describe the intent of his diatribe, ig just quoting it doesn't hurt, he's snappy about it at least.

Shadow Milk Cookie: What was it? Your petty self-righteousness? Foolishness? Sense of Guilt? What was it that made your Soul Jam ring like a thousand bells?! Oh, I couldn't stand this annoying sound of whatever was left of your feeble will that kept resonating and resonating throughout the entire place!

The reason why idk how to describe it is because he then shifts over to gleefulness, where he explains the transition from simply wanting the soul jam to wanting to see what happened when he prodded him. Pv however, instantly picked up on what Smilk was putting down, and instantly repeating exactly word for word what Smilk wants to hear. He then shows the souljam is now completely white, which since it has been in the hands of Smilk and we know the souljam can change colors if the beast gets a hold of it I see no reason why that isn't a good enough explanation to cover the rest of my back lol. Pv however, still wants his shiny rock please and thank you, because he's still enacting his plan, his souljam is his, because it is now the souljam of deceit.

Truthless Recluse: Is this what you wanted? Or is it even better? Instead of one Soul Jam of Knowledge, you will have two Soul Jams of Deceit. And me, forever by your side.

Mans knows exactly the words Smilk wants to hear to a T, mans gauging how correct he was in his reply lmao, also mans says "we are meant to be together" and smilk does :D. Oh and also reiteration of his desire to control Pv. Pv also instantly checks how much power he actually gained from either himself converting a little bit to deceit or having smilks powers infused into the souljam after holding onto it lmao. After smilk gets like a minute to brag Pv immediately has won, his plan succeeded, Pure Vanilla Cookie successfully tricked Shadow Milk Cookie.

Smilk, realizing what has just happened, goes through a lot of stages of emotions, first dismay that he cannot control his other realm, then anger at Pv, specifically regarding that he was tricked, making him sound very hypocritical I wonder why he would be hypocritical what about his character would indicate that he would be bothered by being tricked i dunnooo /lh, then almost uncontrollable rage as he demands the souljam where he rushes pv with anger, then surprise, and i believe for a final moment awe, then pv decides to stab his souljam which is a choice for sure lol. I think the way I would read it requires us to tangent into his awakened form, so uh, tangent time.

Pv's awakened form is all about recognizing the importance of truth and deceit, thanks for coming to my ted talk. ok well no in seriousness the most important part is that he has smilk's eyes in his cape thing, both opened and closed ones, an absolute shitton of his design takes from smilk, his room has keys to smilk's locks, he has moon decorations that are smilks theme whilst he also has sun ones for pv, he has scrolls which is in both his Sage & Fount outfits are important design elements. His awakened form also has a couple lines that signify the importance of both truth and deceit, "You can learn a thing for(?) two from Deceit", "Truth and Deceit may be inseperable...". There are also far more dialogue than pre awakened of his desire for friendship & connection for others, since it only has 2 compared to awakened's 7, friendship, determination and resolution are the primary things that made him awaken into compassion.

There we go, tangent over, with that established, since he stabbed his souljam, do we think it could possibly be direct symbolism that he's breaking the original meaning of his souljam, that it's not just the souljam of truth, but the souljam of both truth and deceit, as both are important to him now? Just a thought? Maybe possible sorta? Anyways back to the rest of the ep lol, he goes through anime transformation sequence where he goes through every aspect of his life, sploshes through milk, then gets ribbons of the yellow/white of truth and the dark blue/eyes of deceit, really hammering home that both aspects are intrinsic to his existence as awakened. He then gets his memories fixed, he describes them being fixed to some capacity as his choices, so regaining the autonomy that smilk so badly wanted but could never once from start to finish ever manage to control. Smilk responds accordingly by calling him a traitor, where Pv's first words to smilk is (paraphrased) "I will embrace deceit, I will accept doubt, everything holds answers, don't you agree mr knowledge man. we can be poggies together duder" which smilk is not a fan of whatsoever, "A lie shall vanquish a lie!" Which is just a description of what he did lol. I think I hit my tired mark, Ill try to stay coherent

Next ep is filler resolution from the first ep

Then Smilk is pissed, but pv doesnt care, his nr 1 action is kindness after all, and especially now when he has awakened and embraced deceit he can see through smilk even more than he already could, he has no reason to fear smilk whatsoever, smilk just laughs in his face to pvs confusion, smilk recognizes his power imbalance and tries to take advantage of that the friends are dead, but teller came back and saved them, leaving smilk with no leverage at all anymore, he is lesser than pv in every single way now, then pv explains how there can be 2 pvs, pv prevents one of the tarot cards but i still dk what any of those cards mean so cant help you there on what he's on about, they fuse together into one, and then smilk comes in pissed cause no one is paying attention to him, he so desperately is clawing for any kind of upper hand

but pv just, isnt phased by it whatsoever, once again because he embraced deceit he is twice the cookie smilk is, and reaches out to smilk, he tries to gain the upper hand again but it doesnt work, pv explains that friendship poggies which smilk finds dumb. Pv then asks why did you do all that shit today, im simply curious dude, smilk tries to mask, pv sees right through it cause of the aforementioned records which told him that smilk was ecstatic when the souljams touched tips i mean deceit, smilk realizing his truest feelings is just bein splayed out for everyone to se shuts down further, but pv pushes through and tries to find common ground, but as someone who has had everyone turn their back to him and then spent lifetimes lying shockingly struggles w friendship, so this connection shit is so inane to him he cant help but just break out into laughter and desperately claw at reasons why it wouldnt work, that he already has his spire, and pv must just be dumbass, but pv aint havin none of it, if you truly didnt give a shit you wouldnt have done all of this effort bestie, but smilk doesnt like that pv is still right so tried once again to flat failure to gain the upper hand, where we then return to all the way back in the beginning, we finish off the loop, pv explains how they became one, and he could sense how lonely smilk was, which smilk reacts violently too, this is hitting insanely close to home and he'd rather not have him keep airing out his feelings please and thank you, pv does not, "Yes, Shadow Milk Cookie. No one else but me can truly understand you. We share the same Soul Jam. We can understand each other like no one else can. You don't have to be lonely... I'm right here. Please. Let me be your... friend.", which for the first second ever this entire ep, doesn't reveal his secret feelings, doesnt accidentally get brought to the surface, but truly cracks his defense, even if its only the tiniest of cracks, Smilk hesitates at the notion, he thinks about it, genuinely, for just a mere moment, which as you can imagine he doesn't like that it just happened and becomes violent again, raising his defenses a billion times as all petulant bullies do and screams his head off and we bonk him heh. pv still outclasse smilk, he has his powers, there is nothing smilk can do that pv cant do, so smilk is at most just bein a whiny baby here, so pv tries again to connect, but smilk is, lets say, not in the right headspace for this conversation, and is rude lol. He then runs away and the first thing pv says is functinoally "ill get to see him again :)"

Now, after aaaaaaaaaallllll that, what have we learnt about pv and his likelihood of forgiving smilk? I at least feel like the odds are the he has already forgiven smilk, that smilk doesn't actually have much that needs to be forgiven as pv was playing along and that he will choose kindness every time. yeah im gonna say its probably decently likely that pv's biggest lesson in practice is determination, he will persevere because his friends are always worth it-- and no intent of not extending his compassion to someone he has already embraced and intimately understands.

also ik it's irrelevant cause it's not talking about the facts, but remember when i mentioned way back at the beginning of the post that I made comments about the stories in discord?

That was my live first reaction to the story at that point, so unless I'm a massive untrusting moron, I think at least I can say there's reasonable precedent to believe that he wasn't at least intended to have truly 'fallen'.

...

...

Okay FINE I'll talk about why the time travel is weird lmao. It's cause it's not time travel xd I think its the grandfather paradox in play? Because if they are indeed the very same Pv, then their endgame shouldnt be capable of changing, there should be no "real" failed recluse and then our awaken pv, they should both be failed or both be awakened, it turns out im too tired to explain how the order of events works, but pv cant get awakened w/o teller, and teller cant know to go to awakened when there is no awakened yet, yes i did write this all in one night thats adhd for you, so the couple options that are available are:

It's an AU not timetravel, meaning all Teller scenes are irrelevant to any analysis of Pv, they lived different lives, it is irrelevant.

It's entirely made by Smilk to trick the gang, which makes the least amount of sense cause he would've then knowingly constructed his own downfall given he should have knowledge of the awakening if past, present and future all were taking place at the same time.

Or the one I find the likeliest, its an externalization of Pvs doubts manifested, it was never real and wasn't any time travel, that explanation was a lie like most parts of the tower, but his fears are real, and in a space that represents the multitude perspectives of truth, so literally just like Mystic, his Resolution and Apathy separated, but also like Mystic the Apathy part is really bad at doin their job and was actually really passionate about their friends lmao

Now let me live in peace ignorin the stupid time travel some more lol

They should have the capacity to believe they are wrong and thus capable of learning to any degree.

Shadow Milk Cookie: What's happening... Why am I not regaining my power...? The guardian is gone... So why is the blasted tree still standing? Why doesn't Pure Vanilla Cookie... obey?! ***

This isn't evidence of him actually acknowledging that he is wrong in the moment, but it's the foreshadowing of his conclusion, as you surely know by getting to this point lol. He continuously gets presented one lesson over and over and over: Lies cannot modify truth, and it cannot control it. It can manipulate the way knowledge is framed, but it does not modify the truth in any way. And although this lesson will be hammered in more once the foreshadowed part comes around, it's absolutely not a sentiment that's meaningless once you've completed the latest chapter heh.

I'm rapidly losing my capacity to be coherent, but the entirety of Pv's ascension is fighting everythin he knows about, he got tricked, he underestimated truth, he became weaker than pv, he lost to this gang, his spire got destroyed-- the question here is now when that has all been smashed, will we get to him in time or is he just going to reinforce his desperation to repair his status, though given pv's acceptance of deceit i dont expect whatever reperation occurs is not going to be particularly weak to a guy who goes 'yeah well im everything you want to be and i want to be your friend'

Felt like there should at least be an honorable mention for the times where Smilk really starts showing their desire to keep Pv around pre-latest chapter, that once again this wasn't a final minute thing. I should extra elaborate that does not mean that all of these are healthy, appropriate or even definable as 'not bad'. This is mostly the toxic part of toxic yaoi lmao

Shadow Milk Cookie: Eugh, I see you're still so deadfully, painfully, unbreaably... "you"!!!... Thinking much about me these days? ... Pretty cosy, innit? Makes you feel right at home! Why don't you stay for another day? Or... FOREVER! Sit back, relax, and watch my sinister plans unfold from the comfort of your very own prison! Oh? What am I saying? Silly little m! You've always been here, and you always will be! *** Shadow Milk Cookie: Indeed, all this time, you've been my most treasured marionette! ***

And the very final section, is there any evidence contradictory to his ability to be reformed? Is he particularly stubborn about something that would hinder his ability to change his perspective?

And I mean, besides throwing a childish tantrum at the end because he got scared of intimacy? Ig there's one,

Shadow Milk Cookie: Cookies fear what they don't understand. Always so quick to fill that void with the first thing that fits their belief system! Anything, really! Ahh, that would make Knowledge simply the collective agreement on the strongest beliefs, wouldn't you agree? Allow me to demonstrate with these cards.

Which yeah, is pretty antithetical to the idea of knowledge as a virtue, well done smilk you've got 1 whole argument as to why you might struggle with redemption, I'll let you know in 5-10 business years whether that out-stumps all the rest of this dissertation lmao.

My tired gang finishing up last section, don't see naything else that's antithetical to truth or knowledge having popped up at all

Now with all of that out of the way, phew-wee, we can talk about the skin a little bit. We know the skin isn't his Fount of Knowledge time, cause first of all the sage is never referred to as that lol, but secondly they don't look alike, the reason I mentioned the hiding of the past thing on the other two is that Smilk proudly shows off his past and deliberately brings Pv to it, so we know what the fount looks like, and it ain't the sage

So if not the past, what then? Tbh I'm not super confident, if I wanted to be a giddy lil fangirl I could argue that it's the future, that it is what redeemed Smilk will look like, that as the story progresses we will more and more see Smilk, though in all honesty it does just feel like an AU version, he does say "They cookie of truth? That's-a-me" which, yk, wasn't his og virtue and probably won't be his redeemed one either, the story told within talks of a recluse that doesn't exist, the one in the main questline never talks about any mountains, it just feels like a swap au, nothing more. Whatever the option though, I still want to make some inferences, though I do very much recognize that because we don't know who Sage is to the canon that all of this is pretty baseless, but since we're here anyways, why not lol.

The biggest inference is that Truthful Smilk & Present Smilk aren't all that different in behaviour at all "Do I really need to spell out everything? Come on, think!", they're both cheeky "Now now, I'm not like those other Academics", they're both playful "Ooooh, are you proposing a debate? Alright, but no backsies!"-"Think I'm wrong? Very well, present your case!", they both have their convictions "Admitting your ignorance is the first step towards the Truth", they both tease "Why does everyone try so hard to hide their ignorance? Tsk!", they sing-song "The arts, academia, technology, magic...Truth exists everywhere!", both really want to show off their stuff "There you are! Time for some magic!"-- like the only practical difference between the two in their character is what they're believing in, the only other thing i can think of is that sage tends to just make statements a lot more often, thats it. So, going on quite the decent limb, I don't think he needs a full personality or character rewrite to still work as smilk.

Finally, after 12 hours of straight grinding on this: In conclusion, do I think he's currently redeemed, as I'm a bit scared to post this so I feel the need to assure my stance? No, I don't, nor was that my claim. Do I think it will inherently make it a better story if he was redeemed? Not inherently no, but I think it absolutely can be a good story, I don't think it's doomed to fail or doomed to inexplicably ruin the characters involved automatically. By saying I believe he can be redeemed and to some capacity would like to see it, am I excusing all his terrible/abusive behaviour that i skipped over for this analysis as I believe it to be irrelevant to my case? One of us has the wrong definition of redemption then if you think that to be what I'm saying lmao, cause what I'm aware atoning for your sins and crimes are required to be redeemed, a whiplash "I tried to murder you and then suddenly two seconds later I'm nice now" is a bad redemption story at all times and has nothin to do w smilk-- ofc it'd require growth, recognition, self reflection & consequences, ofc his past behaviour would have to be atoned for in whatever way the victims see fit. Do I think I am undermining Pv's experiences/trauma regarding Smilk if he were to be redeemed? Not only do I feel like i adequately listed out the reasons why I don't think he present day canonically doens't hold a grudge towards smilk in the slightest, i would also not think smilk or any of the beasts to be redeemed w/o their other half also accepting them. Do I expect crk to handle the redemption in a good way? No lol

[deangirlsstuff67]

Her Biggest Fan Part 3

Jensen Ackles x Reader

Summary: Who doesn't love a good fantasy or escape from our normal lives. When Y/N started this online adventre she never dreamed it would land her smack dab in the path of her favorite actor. Is there a chance this fantasy might become reality? And will the reality live up to the fantasy?

Warnings: fluff, talk about divorce, talk about trauma, language, soft Jensen, a little sexual innuendo

Authors Note: Here you go! I love that y’all are loving the hell out of this story. Don’t worry smut is coming !! I wouldn’t leave you guys hanging :) I love Jensen and his family. This is purely fiction and for entertainment purposes only.

Catch up with part two here | Masterlist

—————————————————————————

Jay: So can I ask why you started doing OnlyFans sweetheart?

You’re relaxing on the back deck tonight, watching the horses graze in the west pasture. Today was busy around here. Your kids came home from their dad’s house, you had your friends and their children over for a fire and BBQ. There is nothing that beats a beautiful summer evening hanging with friends.

Now the kids are tucked into bed after video chatting with your ex husband to say good night and you are finally enjoying nothing but the night creatures making noise as you decompress.

Jensen and you have been chatting all day. He’s up here in Canada filming again. I guess that means he can text more often without having his wife asking questions.

The more you talk, the more you two are becoming closer. It’s a surreal feeling considering you’ve never met the man a day in your life.

Me: At first it was for fun honestly. I am single, get bored easily, and needed the extra money anywhere I could get it. I had done it once before when I was still married, that didn’t end up going well in the end. This time around I didn’t have anyone looking over my shoulder or getting jealous constantly about something that didn’t matter in the end so I figured why not. Any side hustle I can start that can make me some extra money to throw at the life I have, I’ll take.

Jay: So the ex didn’t enjoy it?

Me: In the beginning he did. He got all the videos and photos sent to him and he even was in some of them. Helped pick out outfits. That best friend he’s with now, she was doing it with me and that was when they started getting closer and cheating on me. If I had to guess he was afraid I would do what he was already doing to me.

Jay: Ah, so it was his guilt playing with his jealousy. I guess I don’t have much room to talk.

Me: I’m going to say your situation is different. You guys are just staying together for show not so much because one of you is still holding onto hope for the marriage.

Jay: No, I don’t think many people will see it that way of it ever gets out though.

Me: People judge what they don’t know. I have a question?

Jay: Shoot!

Me: Does Danneel know about me?

There’s a long silence between it showing that he read the message and any sort of response. You’ve been thinking about it for a while now. Their marriage might be over, but they were still married to one another, how was that affecting her?

Better yet, what did that mean for you? Was she going to come after you or blame you for something. Or was she completely fine with it? There are a lot of questions now that you know who he is.

You wish you could talk to your best friend about it. Problem is you haven’t told her who Jay turned out to be. It’s not that you think she wouldn’t believe you, more that you don’t want to throw him under the bus. Jensen and you have been developing a good foundation for a deeper connection between you, while you know your best friend wouldn’t say a word, you still feel like you shouldn’t say anything without his consent.

Especially considering who he is and what he’s currently going through. Divorce is rough as hell without some woman running her mouth and it getting out to the world.

Ding.

Jay: Yes, she knows that I’m talking to someone and you make me smile. Like I said it’s complicated. If we are around family or friends we have to act married and happy. That also means I can’t be on my phone texting this beautiful country girl who brightens my day no matter what. However, when it’s just her and I in the house she asks about you. I give general answers and try to keep the personal stuff at bay. Dee actually badly wants to speak with you, she’s asked for your number many times.

Me: I’m sorry what? She wants to talk to me?

Jay: Haha does that sound weird? It’s not I swear. She started to notice a difference in my behaviour when we started getting close and was curious. For a year now Dee actually has had a boyfriend herself. We talk about their relationship once in a while. We never separated on bad terms, but there was a long period where it was just weird to be around each other and having to act in love still kinda sets us on edge. Before I met you, I tried to avoid her as much as possible. Still do but we are slowly working on a friendship again.

Me: No not weird. It's what my ex husband and I try to do as well. His girlfriend happens to get in the way alot and makes it more difficult, we do try our best though, there are days when it's a cage match because she has meddled and we take it out on each other. Nothing is gonna be perfect, but if you can find a way to accept and co parent with minimum conflict, not only does that help your mental health with divorce but it benefits your kids as well.

This conversation is getting deeper than you pictured for tonight. You've noticed that has been happening more and more since he sent the photo last week.

Assuming he feels like a giant weight has been lifted from his shoulders now that he no longer has to hide who he is from you. Being able to be complete honest has a relaxing effect on ones soul in the end.

I'm glad he trusts me enough to be this honest and relaxed with me.

Well you would enjoy a romantic relationship with this man, the solid foundation you have been building through these last few months has been just as amazing if not more so.

Jay: You're pretty smart you know that. I got a million questions for you pretty lady, I can honestly say I've never met someone like you.

Me: I ain't nothing special Jay. Just a single mom who lives on a farm and trying to figure out how to live this life in my new normal.

Jay: You don't give yourself enough credit sweetheart, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

Me: You're sweet Jay.

-- Incoming FaceTime From Jay --

Oh fuck off right now, seriously.

Reluctantly you answer the call. It's both extremely tempting to see him "in person" per say but also nerve racking as hell. Come on he is Jensen fucking Ackles, even if I have had emotional conversations with him and made him cum over and over again, this is still scarier as fuck.

The call loads and your screen is invade by a beautiful green eyed man standing in the kitchen of his trailer, eating. Smiling at you with his signature childish grin as he waves hello.

Chuckling at the man in front of you, "Hi Jay."

"Hey Darling." He grabs the phone off the counter and moves to the bed, laying down with a grunt.

"Long day I take it?"

"Lots of fight scenes today. I enjoy it, but I'm getting too old for this shit."

You can't stop the laghter that bubbles up from his comment. Jensen gives you his best bitch face, "awe that's so cute, you're trying to look mad."

"So sassy in person ain't ya sweetheart."

"You don't even know the half of it big guy. For the record you aren't old, you're lie whiskey... get betters with age."

"I go down just as smooth too," sending you a flirty wink before softly chuckling.

Fuck me, this man is something else.

"Oh look at you with those one liners. You look exhausted. It's late here, I'm guessing it's late there as well."

Rolling onto his side, "yeah it is. I had an urge to see you in and talk to you instead of texting. Seeing you right now makes losing sleep completely worth it."

"I'm glad you called, however I am saying you are going to bed. No fighting."

Smiling softly he lets out a yawn, "no fighting, good night baby girl. I'll talk withh you tomorrow."

You sign off and head inside to get ready for bed yourself. The new development of this relationship has you floating on cloud 9.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist:

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[lettertoelxse]

"Wishes Don't Come True (Except When They Do)" — a bkdk oneshot

Katsuki doesn't really believe in birthday wishes or maybe he does… but he's greedy when he makes them either way.

Available to read on AO3!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/64999198

CW: 🔞 making out, frottage

Birthdays are kinda strange.

People say they’re special but they’re mostly just weird because you do a bunch of shit that you don’t normally do.

When he's little they’re loud and filled with family members he knows well and not-so-well. Cousins and the neighborhood kids come to play. Izuku hangs the closest (that part isn’t strange at least), holds onto his arm excitedly when they bring out a cake on fucking fire. Then there’s the weirdest part.

They say to blow out the candles and make a wish. Well a wish is supposed to be something you want. So he wishes to be a hero. He’s greedy though, so he also throws that his parents got him that All Might action figure he asked for into the wish.

He’s a kid so he can’t be a hero yet, and his parents got him a different All Might figure than the one he asked for (which he still likes), but obviously wishes don’t work.

…

In middle school they’re still fucking loud, even though he fights his parents on the idea of a party.

He pushes away family members that want to pinch his cheeks and scoffs at others who complain about his crappy attitude. Some people from school come over. They just eat cake and play games.

Izuku isn’t there, but he mutters a quiet, “Happy birthday,” to him in the hall. He does it every year, long after the term ‘friend’ becomes a silly title to describe something that never existed long enough to actually be anything tangible. He doesn’t realize he’ll miss the words when they’re gone.

When they tell him to make a wish this time, he knows they're useless. Wishing will never get him anything that he could work for, and it can't bring someone something that they weren't born with. So he doesn't wish when he blows out the candles.

…

In high school it becomes the complete opposite. He spends his birthday at the beginning of what's technically his second year in the quiet of his dark room, flipping through news articles on his phone and jotting down coordinates. He doesn't even have any idea what the date is besides the red numbers on a piece of paper counting how many days it's been since Izuku left.

How many days Izuku has been on his own.

There are papers with scratchy notes of all the things he wants to say. They're crumpled and scribbled on and some divulge into mean and angry ramblings. The rain outside makes him hate this time of year. Especially when he knows there’s someone out there wandering in the cold all alone. He tugs at his hair and throws written letters at the wall. It's dreary and silent. And his birthday passes.

He wishes to find Izuku safe.

…

He thinks his third year will be the same.

He expects it to be quiet but in a different way this time. His classmates revel living in a world where they’re not waiting for something to jump out of the shadows at them. In some ways he feels the same, there’s a part of him that is grateful to be alive for another birthday. Another part of him is greedy, feels a gnawing in his gut for something more. Not for his birthday though.

His parents call him and make him promise to come home to celebrate on the weekend and that’s fine. It’s nice. He doesn’t expect a knock on his dorm room door and teary eyes that sparkle like emeralds.

Izuku blubbers a mess of sad nothings, “I didn’t want to bother you, I thought you might’ve left, I missed it last year. I’m so sorry. Happy birthday, Kacchan…”

He does his best to soothe him, but it’s not really his strong suit. All he can do is pat the other’s shoulder and try to convince him that everything’s fine. But broken words make him buckle to Izuku’s outpour of emotions.

“I’m just glad you’re still here Kacchan.”

The wetness in his own eyes catches him off guard, has him pulling Izuku to his chest. He holds Izuku close with his one arm in working condition and hugs him for the first time in who knows how fucking long, because he knows exactly how he feels. To just be grateful to have the other. “I’m glad you’re here too, Nerd.”

His birthday is quiet, but in a gentle way.

In a whispered promise between two people who have been friends—or something else that doesn’t really have a name—for their entire life. Two people who have been together for so long, it’s hard to imagine any other possibility.

He wishes that he can be good to Izuku this time.

…

He learns that birthdays can be different no matter what point of life you’re in.

His next one is loud and lively, like they were when he was a kid. His classmates make him come to a get-together now that they've graduated. They have dinner and sing to him. He finds that he actually doesn’t really mind it that much, especially when Izuku is by his side and holds onto his arm while he blows out his candles.

He doesn’t hate the idea of making a wish anymore, but he also can’t think of anything grand to ask the universe to grant to him. So he wishes to have another moment like this again.

…

The following year his birthday is on a weekday.

He makes plans to meet some friends on the weekend and to go to dinner with his parents, but he spends the day working a long patrol shift. He thinks he’ll go home and rest, and the day will come and go. Instead, when he finishes his shift and exits the agency building he finds a familiar head of fluffy green hair waiting outside.

Izuku nearly drops the bag he’s holding on the sidewalk covered with cherry blossoms when he sees him. “Kacchan, happy birthday!”

Katsuki leans close to peer in the bag. “What’re you doing here, Nerd?”

“Um well, Kirishima told me you were working. I thought you’d maybe be busy with them or something, but he said you weren’t doing anything." Izuku snaps his mouth shut mid ramble and looks at him with hopeful eyes. He says softer, "So I figured it was late and you probably didn’t have dinner yet… Or cake.” He held up the bag with a shy smile.

“Didn’t ya have classes today?”

Izuku shrugs and nods. “Well yeah, I did.”

No sense of self preservation as always, forever putting everyone else first. Katsuki sighs, “I figured you would be busy.”

“Not too busy for your birthday!”

Katsuki knows better than to argue with him on something like this (and he’s maybe a little bit happy that he came) so they go back to his small apartment together, spend most of their night eating and watching a movie. The comfort of his company is soothing. Katsuki savors it.

At some point Izuku gets up to bring him the small cake with a candle burning on the top. He laughs when Katsuki begs him to not make him sit there while he sings the entire song, but he does agree and tells him to just make a wish then.

Katsuki searches bright eyes that watch him patiently. He’s a little too far away even though there’s not much space between them on the loveseat sofa.

There are things Katsuki wants.

He wants to be a hero, wants to be a hero with Iuku, wants to own an agency alongside him, wants to finish this damn suit he’s been working on even though the end seems so far out of reach. He wants all of it and then some.

He’s greedy.

But Katsuki has plans for these things, some long and with no finish line in sight, but plans nonetheless. Hard work can get him all of them. He’s certain of it. And a wish won’t change that.

But there’s one thing that maybe he wishes for. That he longs for. He feels a little dirty asking the universe to grant it to him, but it’s the one thing in his life he’s not exactly sure how to work for. One thing that he hopes, if only a little bit, would for once just naturally sway in his favor.

So he looks into green eyes with freckles and plush lips. And he wishes.

The room is only lit by the dim lamp beside the couch. “What did you wish for, Kacchan?”

He keeps his gaze locked with the other’s. “You know the rules, I can’t tell ya.”

Izuku leans closer, with a curious glint sparking in his expression. “You think it won’t come true?”

He shrugs, honestly thinks it probably won’t either way. His hands twist together in his lap.

Scarred hands set the cake aside on the coffee table without looking away. “C’mon, please tell me? I wanna know what Kacchan wants more than anything.”

He shrinks away when Izuku presses closer. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“Everyone wants something,” Izuku reasons.

Izuku leans so close that Katsuki can feel the heat from his body, and his walls crack a little. He lifts his head again to look at him. He doesn’t think he can say it out loud even if he wanted to.

Surprise washes over Izuku’s expression and then something else he can’t read.

He whispers into the small space between them with an alternative, “I’m glad you came, Izuku.”

His gaze narrows but he nods. “Me too.” His fingers brush over Katsuki’s wrist, slow and gentle. “I wanna spend more birthdays with you.”

He swallows the words rising in his throat.

Me too, more than anything.

His breath is warm when he leans closer still, other hand sliding over Katsuki’s shoulder. “What do you want, Kacchan?”

He threads his fingers into the front of Izuku’s university sweatshirt and tugs him a smidge closer.

You. You. You.

Fuck he wants—no needs—Izuku more than he needs air to breathe right now. (He's pretty sure he's not getting oxygen anyway.)

Izuku moves like he can read his mind, inches closer until their chests touch as he pushes Katsuki back against the couch.

The sound that escapes from his throat is way closer to a whine than he'd like to admit, but Izuku basks in it, a smile playing on his lips. “Can I grant your wish, Kacchan?”

His voice is small, not certain that he really wants Izuku to hear it. “Please.”

He does hear him though, and it's all the confirmation he needs. Izuku closes the distance between them to press their lips together. It's soft and sweet like the icing on the forgotten cake.

It's gentle and exciting like small hands on his arm while singing happy birthday. It's like a promise to show up every year, every day no matter what happens. It's like relief to know Izuku is here with him and not anywhere else. It's comforting and safe like being enveloped in a long overdue embrace.

It's hopeful and exciting because he wants this, wants Izuku to stay close and keep being by his side. And after all these years Izuku wants to be close to him too.

It’s like coming home.

His lips move against Katsuki's like silk. They touch and brush against every inch of them like he's tracing the shape and curves and making a permanent imprint of them. Katsuki chases them when they stray too far to the corner of his mouth or when the touch becomes too featherlight, unwilling to let go of this feeling.

His heart flutters like strong beating wings in chest at the closeness and the absurdity that this is all really happening.

When Izuku moves above him, his body is pliant, just for him. He shifts to straddle Katsuki with his knees on either side of his hips and hands gripping his waist—adjusts him so they both fit. He still clings to the front of Izuku's shirt to make sure their lips stay together. He nips and pulls when he tries to separate for a moment. There’s a soft, amused huff against Katsuki's lips once he’s situated, then he licks once. Twice.

Katsuki meets him the third time with parted lips and a twisting pull at his shirt to get him closer. Like the sweetheart he is, Izuku complies, explores and tastes Katsuki like he might disappear if he doesn't do it right this second.

And he moves in closer, closer, closer.

Katsuki gasps when Izuku's hips press to his own. A piece of the puzzle he didn't really realize was missing. His heart hammers in his chest like it means to break through his ribs. It feels like a lot. Izuku covers every inch of him like waves crashing over his body in the ocean. Sparks crack on his palms without warning.

He retreats his hands from the front of Izuku top with a fearful coil in his gut, but Izuku only laughs breathily against his lips, thinks it's a lighthearted threat instead of an involuntary reaction.

He looks so good, so hot, with his eyes half lidded and a string of spit connecting their lips. From the way Izuku's eyes search his face, he thinks he must look as dazed as he feels. “Kacchan is so pretty.”

He doesn't get to voice his surprise because Izuku kisses him again like his life depends on it, tongue pressing to his and teeth biting at his lips. His hands are still held limply in the space between them. A warning to Izuku sits unsaid in his throat, so he just clenches them into fists, but he doesn't expect the drag of Izuku rolling his hips down against him, slow and purposeful.

His breath stutters and his hips buck forward to press closer. There's sparks popping in his closed palms but it feels like his whole body is going to ignite from the way his ribs creak and give into the pressure from his heart.

Beep.

Izuku's entire body freezes at the familiar notification sound for Katsuki's heart alarm. His eyes are wide in shock when he grabs the forgotten phone on the table urgently.

“Izuku.”

There's already tears brimming in green eyes as he looks at the notification. Katsuki is certain that it's a heart rate warning, which isn't really that big of a deal. At least not anymore, not like when it was imperative for him to keep his heart steady until he was fully recovered. It always freaked Izuku out though, especially when he was the one reminding Katsuki to calm down when he got too worked up.

“Hey, I'm fine.”

His fingers grip the phone tighter, not listening.

Katsuki grabs Izuku's wrist holding the phone to get his attention. “Come back, please.”

Finally green eyes lift to meet his again and it only takes a moment before relief covers his features. He looks over Katsuki’s face and then his hands, watches the rise and fall of his chest. A realization dawns on him. “I did this to you.”

He's is ready to assure him that he did nothing wrong until he catches the smirk pulling at Izuku’s lips.

“I make Kacchan’s heart race,” there’s a teasing mock to his tone.

He presses his palm to his eyes. “On second thought, you can go.”

Izuku whines, “No…” There’s a pause before he speaks a little more seriously, sincere. “What did you really wish for?”

Katsuki risks a peek at him through his fingers. “What do you mean?”

“When you blew out your candle.”

Katsuki wrinkles his nose. “You, Nerd. Where the hell have you been for the last seven minutes?”

Izuku blinks like he wasn’t expecting that. “I just didn’t think that was really… You couldn’t think of something more—I dunno.”

“It’s the only thing I don’t know how to work for.” He has to avert his gaze when he forces out the truth.

A chaste kiss presses to his lips suddenly and Izuku whispers against them, “That’s because I’m already yours. Always have been.”

His throat is too tight to form any coherent words.

“I guess that means you wasted your wish.

What an absurd thought, an awful notion to even consider.

Fingers card through Izuku’s hair and slide to the back of his neck to tug him closer into another soft kiss. “Never. I’ll keep wishing for this for the rest of my life if I have to.”

“Hm. This.” Izuku presses his lips to Katsuki’s and then to his jaw, cheek, temple, nose, peppering kisses all over his face. He only pulls back when Katsuki gets antsy and shakes his head a little to stop him.

They’re silent for a long moment, just rejoicing in each other. The warmth shared between them. All the moments, good and bad, that led to this one. The way the world seems to have spun for how ever many fucking billions of years, just so they could be together right now.

The feeling swells to something overwhelming in Katsuki. He has to say it or it’ll rip him open by force to lay the truth bare. The silence is broken, “I love you, Izuku.”

Tears finally fall from green eyes that have been shimmering in the dull light. Always such a fucking cry baby. But Katsuki’s vision blurs as Izuku cups his cheek and whispers a vow back to him, “I love you so much.” He wipes at the wet falling on Katsuki’s cheek with the back of his hand and then kisses it like he’s going to make the pain of a wound go away. “Happy birthday, Kacchan.”

He’s so happy and feels so content beneath Izuku’s gentle loving touches.

But he’s greedy.

He leans up to kiss one of Izuku’s tears away and he makes another wish on it. It’s not a birthday candle but he knows it’s at least twice as special. So he asks whatever wish granter apparently exists out there to grant him one more. Just this once.

He wishes for every birthday to feel like this for the rest of his life. To have the most special person in the world’s eyes on only him. To feel loved. To feel like coming home.

Because maybe wishes come true sometimes.

[sadmailman-02]

Is privacy important to you?

So recently, I've seen an uptick of people interested in privacy regarding electronics (phones, pc, what have you). When I say people, I'm referring to non-techy people, like myself. I know my way around my computer and can do some basic troubleshooting for hardware/software, but beyond that, I'm sort of helpless. I don't know anything about hacking or cybersecurity and the only coding I can do is some html. I'm below a novice haha. So, if you're that sort of person, then maybe this could be of interest to you. What I am about to discuss involves no coding or really any in depth knowledge regarding technology. You don't have to be Elliot Alderson for this.

>Why does privacy even matter?

The answer to this question will vary from person to person. I, for one, do not like the idea of any corporation hoarding my data to sell or store or do fuck all with. If this does not bother you, I'd consider asking yourself if you're comfortable with, let's say, something like Google knowing everything about you. And I mean everything. Suppose that doesn't bother you, then okay. Maybe think about how it would feel if your classmates or coworkers knew what Google knows about you. Corporations also extend to governments because they're jerking each other off, so something to keep in mind. And individuals, people like you and I, work for these entities. And these people can abuse your data. For any reason.

Your data is a tool for them to control you. You might not realize it until it's too late. I'm being a little vague here because this point alone could be an entire wall of posts.

Additionally, something to consider is the level of privacy that you may require. If you are someone who attends public protests or is part of some sort of organization that criticizes your government, you are at risk of potential scrutiny or harassment. Obviously, but I mean specifically from a lack of privacy practices. Maybe from your government or somebody who opposes your views, etc. And depending on how you've been communicating about these gatherings or communities, you're potentially putting others at risk as well. If you're one of the people who's in charge of organizing or playing a large role, some of the methods I will be going over will likely not be enough to protect you. Activists and journalists need a different level of privacy that I can't begin to match.

Listed below are some videos that I watched that really helped me to understand why this is important.

“I Have Nothing to Hide” – The Dangerous Myth About Privacy

Is it impossible to be private online? (Eric's channel has been very helpful for me personally because his explanations do not alienate the tech illiterate)

>So...Where do I start?

Luckily, there are small steps you can take to prevent some information about you from being hoarded. And I say some, not all. Unfortunately, the only way to completely avoid all of this is to live out in a cabin in the middle of nowhere and never use the internet ever. Which I can assume you don't want because you're reading this on a website right now! You will have to make some compromises for some of these options, and if you can't replace all of these and only some, that's fine. Most of these can be adjusted in just a few minutes, if that.

General

Oh my god, stop using chrome. I'm serious, please stop. If you are using chrome to read this, close out of this and download firefox. or brave or chromium or whatever. I use firefox, and the second you download firefox, download ublock origin. Ads on the internet are completely out of control. Firefox is not foolproof either, other add-ons can provide not just a more private experience, but also a much smoother one. ClearURLs removes tracking elements from urls. And it's open source. There are a few others, but I don't know everything lol. There are VPNs you can use, but I only ever use one if I'm away from home and using the Wi-Fi at work or something.

Stop using google search engine. In firefox, you can set something else by default. I just use duckduckgo, but there are alternatives. You can also turn off the ai bullshit. Find one that works best for you and your needs.

Email. So this is one I have not moved yet. I still have gmail for my youtube account. I also have to use gmail for my university. I do have a protonmail, though, that I've been slowly moving over to. This could be an easy fix for some people, while impossible for others. This is something that I am willing to compromise on. Again, you can't have it all with how things are set up. I'm sure there are some ways to circumvent this, but I am not aware of it. For things like drive and docs there are also some alternatives, but I don't use drive all that much, so finding an alternative isn't that pressing for me. There's proton drive, which functions similarly, and several paid options, but I'm trying to keep this process free for people just starting to be privacy-conscious.

Signal is a good messenger especially if you're moving from something like facebook messenger, instagram, whatsapp, whatever. It's end to end encrypted and pretty modern (so stuff like emojis, reactions, voice messages) You do need a phone number though, but again, better than just whatsapp. More people are moving to it now, so you might have an easier time introducing friends to it.

Cellphone

Alright, so this is going to depend on a few factors, mainly whether you have Android or iOS. I had an iPhone for a long time, up until last year. I was never an Apple fanboy, it's just what I had, but I wasn't deep in the ecosystem by any means. I've always used a Windows computer, so I didn't have a Mac or apple watch or whatever. I had an ipad but sold it to a friend last year because I transitioned to using my Wacom full time on my PC. I only say that because if you like your apple products just keep in mind that while you are secure (apple does have great security), you may not be private. iOS is closed source, so it's more difficult for third parties or hackers to get your data, but apple has it. And apple can do whatever. Also, you are limited to the ways you can customize your phone.

I will link a video on someone who discusses privacy on iphone but aside from the few things I listed above I can't really help you much further than a few other points. Sorry.

A brief guide to privacy for iPhone

If you have an Android based phone you are in luck. Most Android phones allow you to put a different os on your cellphone since you can access the bootloader (unlike iphones) BUT your phone in most cases has to be OEM unlockable. Phones from carriers like Verizon aren't able to be unlocked because Verizon is weird and kinda treats their consumers like shit lol. I own a Google pixel 9 and I will admit I splurged on this phone by buying it brand new. It was on sale, I got a bonus at work and hey what can I say... Also my iphone 12mini was shitting itself so it was time for a new phone. The money must have been burning a damn hole in my pocket. In retrospect though, the smarter thing would have been to buy used or an older model. Which I will be doing in the future. Back on track though.

You're probably scratching your head here: if he was just complaining about google why the hell does he have a Google phone?

I'm glad you asked, hypothetical voice in my head.

Grapheneos is a os that is only available on Google pixels (I believe from 6 onward). What it does is basically degoogles your phone. So removes google services. And the thing is, you can redownload these services but refuse network permissions and limit what they can and cannot do or have access to. Or tweak settings that you would not otherwise have access to. You have control over your device and it actually somewhat feels like your device. It's easy to install...like, modding a ds takes longer than installing graphene on your phone. Here is a video that I watched that goes over specifics and installation.

Here is the grapheneos website

For non google phones there's calyxOS but I have no personal experience with it. But both of these OS give you back some ownership on your device by letting the user control how their cellphone functions and not a company. Also, it can help your phone feel a little smoother because it removes a lot of proprietary apps that companies like Samsung add to android. If your phone can't be unlocked, then start by switching to alternative apps and delete as many proprietary apps as possible. Watch this video on fdroid.

Remove face ID if you're able and remove fingerprints as well. It might be a bit inconvenient but it's much safer. I understand that these may be great accessibility tools for some so just do what you can. Turn off location when you're not using it. With graphene, you can give map applications your approximate location, not your exact location. There are also map options that can be disconnected from network, and you can save routes, but I use public transportation and really need to see when my bus is going to arrive. My cities bus app is so shit sometimes. Again, another example of compromising that is going make you ask what's important to you, and if you're willing to risk your privacy for it.

If you watch most of these videos, you'll hear a lot of these points are going to overlap.

I was considering discussing what you can do for your PC, but I'm a complete noob. I've been using Linux mint for a little bit now, and I avoid the terminal most of the time because I'm a little baby. Even still, I recommend getting away from windows if you're able. Especially if you have a windows 10 computer since Microsoft is dropping support this fall iirc. Linux mint is super beginner friendly and much lighter on your computer, so even better if your PC is older.

Some videos that might help you decide if Linux could be a good alternative for you.

Switching to Linux: A Beginner’s Guide

Why Linux is Better Than Windows 11

Linux Mint 22: Excellent Distro for Windows Users

Linux Mint for Gaming (2025) | Linux Gaming Setup (for Beginners) Pt. 1

This privacy stuff can go so deep and you'll feel kinda crazy lol. Once you learn about what people can do with this data, and read about how people's lives have been ruined by it getting into the wrong hands, it'll never leave your head. But it's important to start small. And start sooner rather than later.

Social media was something I considered discussing but I think it could be added to a later post since this is kinda long already. I hope this is somewhat helpful, I tend to ramble a lot of the time. If you're someone who is a bit more savvy than I, then please reply with any info that you think could be important. But remember that this post is for basic beginners who are just now learning about this stuff so keep it simple. Thanks for reading!

[freak-accident419]

playing cards

Derek Danforth x GN!Reader

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | More parts coming soon

Summary: As Derek gets drunk, he spots a rather attractive person he feels desperate to spend the night with. Consequently, you were tasked with helping him sober up so he wouldn't be so foolish when approaching her.

Word Count: 4.4k

Content: gender-neutral reader, angst, Mickey angst, fluff, drinking, throwing up (brief mention of the texture), Derek's mommy issues continues, reader and Derek get closer

Ao3 Link

-

"Huh?" You nearly scoff at Derek's abrupt proposal.

"It's five o'clock somewhere," he reasons, beginning to sit up on the bed with an eager smirk.

"Uh, yeah, actually, it is," you huff, looking down at your wristwatch, "it's literally five here."

"Okay, great, even better," he says, immediately getting up from the mattress, "let's go."

"Wait, hold on," you interject, stopping in front of him. "There's no way you're getting blackout drunk at a time where you're supposed to be keeping up a good reputation! And, what, especially in front of those investors, who, conveniently, are also on this boat! Derek, you're going to blow your own cover!"

Derek gave your words the smallest amount of thought until he shook his head dismissively. "That's why... You can keep an eye on me."

What the hell.

"Seriously? You drinking your ass off is one thing, but leaving me out of it? That is so unfair!" You exclaim angrily. "This was your plan, and the only person being tortured in this deal so far is me! I always get the short end of the stick! Jesus Christ, Derek, have some, what, consideration? I'm bending over backwards for this bullshit, and you don't have any decency to advocate for me!"

Derek was always frustrating. Hell, you never really knew how you were still friends with him because somehow, you two just made it work. He was a shameless product of nepotism; he went from eating baby carrots to caviar off of the same silver platter ever since he was born. He was arrogant, selfish, inconsiderate, and an overall pain in the ass. He would boss everyone around him, regardless of age or role, unless, of course, they were his mother.

But he was barely his mother's son. As respectable and graceful as Jessica Danforth was, he was the complete opposite. Unlike her, he couldn't last a meeting without rudely interrupting somebody, so who's to say he could lead an entire nation? Derek was difficult, and that was that. It was like walking on eggshells trying to deal or negotiate with him, even if it was the most mundane, simple thing. Yet you were still best friends with him, yet you agreed to this overcomplicated deal to help him. Really, it was tricky to pinpoint why exactly you still dealt with his bullshit. Hell, the only thing you could seem to truthfully admit was that he wasn't so much of a bad person.

Sure, he had his whole phishing scam business. That wasn't excusable. But Derek always had his ways of showing his care for others, even if a few are unethical. He wasn't 100% malicious, nor a sociopath. The point is, even after all this, he cares about you and the people he loves. It's not an amazing quality, as it should be an inherent trait in a human being. But for Derek, it's a start.

Still, you were pissed as hell.

"Fine, fine!" He huffs, taking in your words. He should've felt bad for you, he should've felt guilty, but when it came to situations like that, he couldn't exactly read the severity or the implications of his own actions. "You can drink with me."

You sigh as Derek was still not understanding it, mostly because he had always been very dense. "No, I don't w—"

"Then what the fuck do you want?" He interjects, eyebrows furrowing. "You want to drink, you don't want to drink—"

"I want you to be responsible," you say harshly, watching his lips form quickly into a frown. "The whole reason, the whole fucking reason why we're here, why I'm here, in the first place, is because you wanted to prove to your mom that you're 'good now' and that you deserve every penny she gives you. And if you can't even follow your own plan, then this is all pointless. It's bullshit."

Finally, Derek consciously absorbs your reasoning. He was still stubborn about it, but he, for once, wasn't going to be a big asshole while knowing he was in the wrong. He hated how you were always right, and he especially hated whenever it felt impossible to argue with your logic.

"I won't drink too hard," he says in defeat, his volume lowering, "you can drink with me, no babysitting. We're on vacation, we can play it off that way. No hard drinking, no hard drugs in front of anyone, and I won't seem like that guy who took a belly shot off a stripper from weeks ago. Does that sound good?"

You didn't exactly want to scold him either. You weren't his parent, but he could be so childish at times that it's impossible to treat him like an adult. So now, with him making that compromise to accommodate to your wishes, it felt so artificial; unsatisfying when he gave in. Because all you felt like at this moment was, well... his parent.

"I'm just advising you," you exhale, sitting back down on the edge of the bed. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm not your mother. I'm just... I'm just saying, it's probably not good to go crazy tonight if you don't want to get caught by Wallace or your mother. But you know what?... Do whatever you want. I'm kind of exhausted, so I'll probably just shower and hit the sack."

Derek pursed his lips, observing your current beaten state before shrugging slightly with a sigh. "Alright. Uhh, I'll be at one of the bars, probably meet up with the rest of the guys." You simply just nodded at his words. "And Y/n... You know you're always welcome to join us. I'll pay for your tab, it's whatever."

You nod again, watching him get ready to leave the room.

Of course, there's been a lot of tension that the two of you never got to release on each other. Just always brushing it off with humor and playing it off as "playful banter." It was frustrating, though; you having to deal with Derek's recklessness, him having to deal with your responsible rationality. You were each other's anchors, which was what made your friendship worked—or at least you thought.

The problem was having to be in this role where you had to pretend to be his romantic partner. You hated the lack of authenticity. Even knowing you had to fake it, even knowing it was fake, you hated how this was a lie. But you didn't know what made you feel worse; having the public think you were dating your best friend or the fact that this kind of relationship would always be impossible that it can only ever exist as a lie.

No, that's ridiculous. You didn't see him that way, of course, you would never date him. It was just insulting to you, that's all. Dating you shouldn't be so painful to lie about. Dating you shouldn't feel so condescending. You would be a great partner, you thought. And that was definitely your problem with this entire plan. Nothing else.

***

As Derek left the cabin, leaving you to take a shower, you decided to explore the ship afterwards, just for the time being. As your footsteps would gently meet the lavish planks of the deck, you spotted a familiar figure looking out at the ocean in a reflective fashion.

"Mickey?" You ask, standing beside him after realizing who it was.

"Oh. Hey, Y/n," he smiled weakly at you, looking back at the faint horizon line where the sky met the sea.

"How are you feeling?" You inquire, considering what happened in the past between him and Derek.

"I'm fine," he shrugs, shaking his head dismissively. "Seriously, it's not a big deal."

"I know," you remark, placing your hands on the railing as you stood on the edge of the ship with him, "but... I don't know, you've been so quiet. It's just... The friend group's never been the same ever since."

Mickey ponders at your words, feeling a wave of guilt, and then exhaustion. "It's not like I, um, like him anymore," he mutters, barely looking at you. "It's just, uh... I guess I'm just... offended? Like... Would it have been that embarrassing to be seen with me, y'know? I mean, I know I'm not perfect and, hell, invest too much in crypto, but... it's not like he's any better than me. But he constantly acts like it, which is fucking frustrating."

You frown as you listen to his perspective, sighing to yourself. You couldn't disagree, he was a hundred percent right. "Derek's a dick," you huff, "honestly, it's surprising how all of us, at one point, are able to stand it. But... You know him. He's afraid of intimacy. Real intimacy. He's too afraid of getting too close to someone, too afraid of disappointing anyone. He thinks it's better to leave first so that he doesn't get hurt."

"So then I should get hurt?" Mickey scoffs, looking at you now.

"No, it's just... I'm not excusing his actions. What he did was completely idiotic. All I'm saying is... he's a moron. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Derek's just... not exactly the standard for dating or the arbiter of who's a good partner, so... you're not as unworthy as he might've made you feel."

He pursed his lips, face contorting in contemplation. "It's just... I feel so used. I know, I knew it was a fling and there was nothing else to it, but... One of the things he told me was that we couldn't... be anything more because he didn't want to be seen dating a friend of his, or someone who doesn't come from a rich family, and..."

That was your exact concern.

"He's only doing this because his money's at risk. That's all," you reply softly, "there is no other motivation bigger than losing his money for him to fake date one of his friends, let alone me. It has nothing to do with you. I promise you that."

Mickey shrugs, disregarding your words. Not maliciously, just... unconsciously. Then you realized it was much more of an internal struggle. He needed direct closure from Derek himself. "I'm gonna go get a drink," he nods at you kindly before walking away, "thanks for this..."

As you watched him leave, you frowned to yourself, feeling the exhaustion of today's events finally catch up with you. Hell, you needed a drink too.

Motivated to search for one, you turned your body around, facing away from the view of the ocean. Suddenly, your eyes trailed to the empty lounge chairs on the deck with their corresponding tables. A box of Capri-Sun was just sitting there, unattended.

Huh. Change of plans.

***

The alcohol burned his throat as Derek took a swift, smooth swig, hearing the laughter and shouts of his friends around him. This was probably his fifth damn shot ever since the group occupied a colorful bar in the cruise ship. Soft music played in the background as they all sat in a cushioned booth.

"I can't believe Y/n isn't here," Rachel huffed in disappointment, looking around the space as if you would pop out of thin air.

"Yeah, well they're a fuckin' lame-o," Derek slurs, swishing his empty shot glass around, "why are they so serious? They've never been so uptight before. It's so annoying."

"Maybe because you put them in a position where they have to be your partner?" Trevor raises an eyebrow, sneering playfully. "No offense, dude, but I feel like anyone would feel humiliated if they had to date you. Again, no offense."

Derek shot him a menacing glare while everyone else laughed at him.

"I stand by that," Connor cackles, elbowing his friend, "being romantically involved with the country's nepo-brat himself? Says a lot about your self-respect."

"Shut the fuck up." The said nepo-brat retorts as he feels his head throbbing. He wasn't actually upset, however, despite his enormous ego. Even as his friends weren't so far from the truth, he could easily handle their targeted jokes. Unlike a large sum of people, they surprisingly didn't befriend him for his money. After all, they had several things in common: being rich, being educated, and being grade-A assholes.

"Hey, Danforth," Trevor pipes, shoving him obnoxiously, "hot chick, three o'clock."

Derek looks in the direction he was told, only to see a tall, gorgeous woman around his age, sitting on a barstool while mingling with her friends. Of course he was never new to her level of beauty, as he's hooked up with all types of people in the past. So no, her looks weren't the reason why he felt so desperate now. Truthfully, it's been a long time since he's gotten some. Ever since this whole fake dating arrangement, Derek had never gotten the time or chance to get into bed with someone enticing, or just anyone at all. He was always a fan of pleasure, a big fan of one-night stands. And right now, he was craving one.

"Fuck," he groans, strongly motivated to push through the drunken migraine he was experiencing. "I gotta... go talk to her..."

"No, dude," Trevor huffs in amusement, trying not to burst out into laughter, "you're way too drunk, you'll scare her away."

Derek frowns, unappreciative of his friend's deliberation. "I swear to fuckin' god, Trev, if I don't bang at least one goddamn person on this boat—"

"Relax," he chuckles, massaging Derek's left shoulder, "I'm just saying, you should sober up first. Not too sober, obviously, but you need to be well aware enough to make smart choices. Like, I know you'd fuck up the whole you and Y/n thing and someone's gonna find out." Derek nods as he listens to half of the things he heard, eyelids growing heavy. "Go back to your room, Y/n can sober you up, and when you're ready, you can come back and screw this girl."

Derek's thoughts were hazy and ran slowly in his brain like traffic. He couldn't focus on any of the steps instructed to him, nor did he feel inclined to comply.

"Hey, you know something?" Rachel chimes in, "there's this one thing you always do whenever you're way too drunk to function. It's almost, like, a signal for when you should stop drinking for the night."

"Oh, yeah!" The rest of the group exclaimed in a discordant manner, all laughing at the inside joke Derek wasn't yet aware of.

"What?" He furrowed his eyebrows curiously. "What do you mean, what do I do?"

"Basically," Connor chuckles, "we always know you're far too gone whenever you propose doing a flip. You say that every fucking time you're too drunk. Not when you're buzzed, not when you're tipsy, but every single time you're absolutely hammered. I swear, every time you're, like, 'watch me do a flip' or some stupid shit like that."

"No way," Derek grumbles in refusal, not recalling any memory of him saying those things, "I don't do that." To be fair, however, he wouldn't even remember anything from the times he was too drunk. Therefore, he couldn't even be a credible source for his own experiences.

"Uh, yeah, you do! Every time!" Rachel cackles with a wide grin. "One time, we didn't stop you because you wanted to do a skateboard trick, and you absolutely ate cement, man. We even got that on video!"

Derek groans in embarrassment, feeling his migraine grow. "Whatever. One more drink," he grumbles before a knowing smirk appears on his lips. Everyone around him scowled, watching him down more liquor, even if he was far too deep in intoxication.

"Hold on, one more," he giggles shamelessly, as he quickly finished the previous drink.

***

"Derek?" You huff in surprise as you hear the door swing open, seeing your friend stumble back into the suite.

"H—" before he could even say one word, he rushed to the bathroom to throw up in the toilet. As he fell on his knees, his hands gripped the poor, porcelain seat of the toilet. You followed him immediately, placing your hand on his back in deep concern.

"What the hell?" You gasp, "dude, how much did you drink?"

Derek coughed out the last bits of vomit, staring straight at the toilet bowl and the floating chunks that left his stomach, furrowing his eyebrows. "Where does flushed shit go on a boat?" He mumbles distractedly, failing to answer you. "Does this go straight into the ocean? That's so messed up..."

You roll your eyes anyway, having been accustomed to his drunken mannerisms. This actually wasn't the first time you dealt with him like this, which probably made you harsher than anyone would've been in this scenario. "Why would you care about what's messed up or not? You literally run one of the most immoral businesses in the world."

"Yeah, well, doesn't look like you're doing anything to stop me," he scoffs bitterly, looking up at you in the eyes, "having said that, you're just as bad as me."

You hated whenever he brought this up to refute you. How you never bothered turning him in, never bothered telling anybody. But was that not your moral obligation as his best friend? Were you supposed to get him caught or keep his criminal life private? Why did you seem to prioritize him over the thousands of vulnerable people in this world?

"I'm fucking with you," he smirks humorously, while you knew damn well he wasn't kidding. "I need to... sober up. There's this... chick at the bar I wanna hook up with and I can't risk anything, so... just need to be more conscious or whatever bullshit Trevor said. Can you help me?"

Immediately, you disapproved of it. "That's a terrible idea," you retort. "If anyone finds out about this, you'd be deemed a cheater. I don't care who you sleep with, but the purpose of this trip—"

"I'll make sure she keeps it a secret. Pay her, even," he says, his squinted eyes pathetically trying to meet yours, "Come on. Help me."

Why did you even bother?

"Fine," you sigh, standing up from your knees to flush the toilet.

The two of you sat quietly on the edge of the bed as you handed Derek some water. He gulped a substantial amount after muttering a thank you.

"You know you can't truly 'sober up' that fast, right?" You scoff. "You'd have better luck sleeping it off."

"But I have her right where I want her. It's a filthy one-night stand, not a perfect meet cute," he grumbles before taking a second glance at you. A foil juice pouch was in your hands as you ripped off the attached straw. "What is that? Holy shit, is that a Capri-Sun?"

You nod, poking the pouch's hole with the thin yellow straw. "Yeah."

"Where did you get it?" He asked with a sudden deep interest.

"I just... found some lying on a table on the decks, it probably belonged to some kid," you shrug casually.

"You stole it?" He huffs in shock, not expecting you, of all people, to do such a thing.

"Derek, think about the kinds of people who can afford this cruise, okay? Upper class families. I'm sure whoever it is, they'd be okay with a few missing Capri-Suns," you scoff. "I can promise you this, dude, it's not as bad as stealing money from old people." Clearly, you couldn't help but constantly bring it up. You had always felt bitter about it the moment he told you of it.

Derek pouts before groaning, sinking down towards you to lay his head on your lap. You were only slightly taken aback, as this was a common habit of a drunk Derek. But it was always surprising to you nonetheless, since you never really knew when he was going to do that. "It's not like... I'm evil, you know?" He mumbles bashfully.

You raise an eyebrow at his quiet words, letting him continue.

"Of course it's fucking unconventional and immoral and whatever. But the thing is... I'll never make the amount of money my dad did when he was still alive. And you're telling me I have to follow in his footsteps? That's ridiculous, for me, at least," he huffs. "Especially for me, actually."

You didn't know what compelled you to do so, but your hand landed on his head, feeling his soft curls between your fingers until you could feel his scalp. You were nearly petting him. And you hated it because ultimately, it confirmed your sympathy for him. You genuinely almost felt sorry for him. So what else were you supposed to do anyways?

Derek felt his heart tighten at your touch. It was all too familiar. Too much like his mother's. But he didn't want to think about it like that, not when it was you. "Everyone used to expect so much of me, even before Dad died. Until they learned that all I could do is disappoint. Now everyone expects the very least of me, which, fair enough.

"Danforth Enterprises has been slow, especially ever since I took the position. And I'm supposed... I owe something to my mother. I owe everything to her. And if all that money could... get her to be president, get her to think I'm a successful CEO, then... that's just... That's why I do it. I just... was far too gone. I'm in too deep now."

Derek felt a sting every time you stroked his head. It was horrible, it was as if he was back in his mother's grasp, when everything was much simpler, when he wasn't seen as such a failure. When a damn drawing of the private helicopter in crayon was the best thing he ever did in her eyes. When did he become such a disappointment now?

"It's shitty," you sigh, your own voice grounding him. It was you. This was your hands, your touch, not his mother's. The same voice that belonged to the smile that greeted him in his freshman year at MIT. You. "That doesn't excuse it, and I'm sure you know that. But... You're being too hard on yourself, Derek. I'm sure your mom would've appreciated it if you genuinely worked hard and show that you earned that position. The extra flashy money obviously never worked."

He hated being scolded. Being told what to do. But somehow, your words were a comfort to him instead. Maybe he was this vulnerable because he was intoxicated, but that was rarely ever the case.

The one thing he knew right now, though, was that it was your hands, your fingers, your touch, your voice that embraced. Not his mother's. And for that reason, he loved it.

"Can I have some of your Capri-Sun?" He asks coyly.

"You shouldn't have any sugary drinks when you just threw up," you advise.

"You're just gatekeeping it," he grumbles, shutting his eyes.

A soft chuckle leaves your lips as you continue to scratch his scalp. Derek felt his heart rush at the sound.

"You have a nice laugh," he mutters.

You paused your hand movements on his head, stunned by his words. "What?"

"I like your laugh," he confesses quietly, opening his eyes and fidgeting with his fingers. "It's nice." Then, he nudged your body with his head as a plea to resume your touches.

You continued playing with his hair curiously. He's never acted like this around you. Ever. What changed?

"Th—"

"And I mean it," he adds, closing his eyes once again in contentment, "you're great. I'm sorry for getting you caught up in all of this. It was never fair to you."

You sigh softly at Derek's admission, feeling the curly strands of hair beneath your fingertips. "Thank you," you mutter appreciatively.

"I know I said I'd make it up to you with Fiji and money, but... that's probably not enough. Maybe I'll be a 'yes-man' for a week. I dunno. Something like that," he reckons.

You felt so warm right now. You weren't sure what it was. Either a metaphorical would-be-disaster of a feeling or the fact that Derek's head was resting on your lap, giving off heat. And while you could admit that you enjoyed the feeling, you realized you might've distracted him from his initial goal.

"Come on, buddy," you sigh, trying to prop him back up, removing his head from your lap, "I think by the time you walk back to the bar, you'd be all ready for her."

"Oh, right. Oh yeah," Derek huffs as he also remembers the whole point of coming back to the room so early, "yeah. She's, uh, she's so not ready for this." He chuckles weakly, gesturing towards himself.

You pat his shoulder in a friendly manner, establishing the extent of your relationship. Friendship, rather. "Give 'em hell," you smile softly, helping him get up before he walked by himself towards the door.

Once the door closed behind him, Derek stood in the hallway, feeling unsure of himself. He felt lost, and it wasn't just because of the alcohol. He began to retrace his steps, vaguely remembering the face of the woman at the bar. Yes, she was pretty, but... for some reason, he just didn't want to go through with it. Which was insanity, because Derek never passed the chance to screw an attractive person. It all just felt so different, all of a sudden. Like there was a consequence and that it mattered. Like it just wasn't right to do.

He wanted to go back into the room with you.

He didn't care about the woman at the bar.

He really didn't want to admit it, really, but all he wanted was to be held by you once more. Just for a little longer.

And there was only one excuse that could help him get away with it.

Your eyes shot up as you hear the door burst open once again, seeing Derek stumble more messily than before.

"Hey, wait. Before I go... watch me do a flip!" He smiles widely, purposefully slurring his words.

In your perspective, Derek definitely wasn't sobered up enough to meet with that girl he was talking about. Surely, the flip nonsense would signify he was way too drunk to function. It was something he's always done that you and your friends noticed. Finally, you concluded that he could barely sober up in time before the night ended, having to stay with him like this, which was exactly what he wanted you to think.

Rolling your eyes with a slight grin, you scoff. "Come here," you groan, watching him come back to you. You handed him a Capri-Sun, finally, as you two sipped the juice in contented silence. And soon enough, his head was back in your lap as your hands were back in his hair.

[creating-by-starlight]

Me, every time anyone says anything about "waiting for The One God has for you"/romantic soulmates/etc: Stop, stop, stop! Why are we implying that everyone has a soulmate when everyone does not have a soulmate? God's going to get nasty letters saying "Where's my soulmate? Why haven't I found my soulmate?" and do you want Him to have to deal with that? I don't think so! Stop spouting heresy being so silly!

[leori-the-unlearned]

the way digimon does conflict/drama between two characters who should be or are close: chef’s kiss <3

the way sonic idw handles creating conflict/drama between two characters who should be or are close: *wilting flower*