#and for a day my phone didn't want to connect to the wifi (like the last time)

[hunsa-jars]

Hhh

I'm alive, hi

[sluttyminghao]

Seventeen x Phone Sex

95 line - 96 line - 97 line - 98+99 line

♡ word count: 1.1k ♡ genre: smut - 18+ only ♡ a/n: here is the 96 line version! i hope you guys enjoy! shoutout to @bf-wonu and my friends at @svthub again for helping with this!

Junhui: This man would be insanely giggly every single time you suggest phone sex or have any conversation that leads up to it. He’s going to not be anywhere close to dominant, and may, in fact, become a little more submissive just because he doesn't know what way the conversation will end up going. Jun is going to be very whiny and tell you what to do, but he’s going to be edging himself for god knows how long because he’s addicted to your voice. Every single time you moan or whine out when your fingers touch your sensitive body, it sends a lightning bolt of want and need through his body and only makes him speed up his own hand movements. “You sound so pretty like this, wish it was me that was getting those noises out of you instead though.” I think he’s also the type to have like…a pillow he uses to fuck himself into or a fleshlight of some kind because he just needs to have his cock enveloped in something and hear your voice whilst simultaneously fucking into a fleshlight or a pillow? It would immediately send him over the edge. When he’s feeling dominant, however, i think he would definitely take action in telling you what to do, but would never tease you because he’s holding on for dear life with his own orgasm. He knows what you want and when you need it, so would get you to the edge super quickly.

Soonyoung: He’s definitely very impulsive when it comes to phone sex. You could be at home doing some work and all of a sudden he’s texting you like crazy and calling you a hundred times, and when you finally answer he’s heavily breathing and fucking himself up into his hand. Even though you can’t see him, you know exactly what’s happening and ask him what he’s been thinking about, only for him to retort back with some of the filthiest images either of you could think of. “Was thinking about how I tied you up the other day and your body looked so perfect and ready for me…and then also was thinking about that one time i made you cum so much you passed out” He would definitely also be the type to do video calls as well, and as soon as you pick up you know you’re in trouble when you see how he’s angled his phone just perfectly so that you can see every inch of him, and it gets you going immediately. Soonyoung is very “no thoughts just need to cum” and would be spouting orders for you left and right while he jacks himself off like he’s insane. He’d be telling you to strip for him, get your tits out and play with yourself until you’re both cumming, but he makes you wait until he’s about to cum so you can cum together. Immediately afterwards, he would send you photo proof of how much he came just so you know what you’re in for when he gets home.

Wonwoo: If there’s one thing everyone can agree on with Wonwoo, it’s that his deep voice would instantly have you cumming. He is definitely on the more dominant side when it comes to phone sex, he loves being able to guide you through with a stern voice, letting your whimpers and moans hit his ear in just the right way that his cock twitches. When he’s in the mood, you can tell because his voice drops at least an octave and grows raspy, which only lights the lust fire in your belly and drives you crazy. He would spill the filthiest phrases, telling you how bad he wants you and every single position he wants you in, as well as how much he wants to fill you up with his cum. He’s also definitely the type to play mind games with you, tell you that you can cum and then say things like “oh did I say you could cum? I didn't mean to, oops, now i guess you’ll have to make it up to me” or “if you didn’t cover your fingers then you didn’t fuck yourself hard enough”, and also loves using those toys you can connect to over wifi where he can control the vibrations and movements of said toy. He would make you cum so much with the toys that you grow so sensitive and he only draws it out even further for you, making you so sensitive to the slightest touches and vibrations have you moaning and clenching. His raspy voice wouldn't help either, especially so when he tells you he wishes your hand or mouth was wrapped around his cock rather than his own hand and he’d cum a lot, it’s splayed all over his thighs and abdomen and then also is wishing that you would be the one to clean it up for him. You’re just his good little whore, after all.

Jihoon: With Jihoon, it’s very common to have sex over the phone given his constant desire to want to be in the studio. He would probably have a schedule where he calls you like once or twice a week later at night, probably when he’s at his most frustrated when he’s producing or writing, and just lets his frustrations flow in the form of mutual masturbation. He wouldn’t be overly dominant or submissive, but rather just goes with how he’s feeling and how frustrated he is. If he’s been struggling for a while, he would probably go a little more dominant, and if he’s doing alright, he’d be pretty neutral. With how often you guys have sex over the phone, he would pretty much know exactly what to do and when, really has it down to a pinpoint on how well he knows you, down to your breathing patterns when you’re getting close to your orgasm. He would also be pretty easy to come undone as well, given that you can push his buttons hard enough. If he’s frustrated, you want to get him off in as little time as possible so that he can focus again. If he’s chill, then you can drag it out and edge him for a while until he finally snaps and switches to dominance. I think he’s not one to talk dirty often, and would only use it on the odd occasion where he’s feeling more dominant than normal. He’d be very careful with his wording but manages to speak fluently in dirty talk when he’s in the mood, calling you his good little slut and whore and getting you over the edge and getting you moaning which in turn, gets him to cum all over his thighs.

[perplexingluciddreams]

friday we moved house. here is some things that happened. not all in order because my sense of time is bendy.

i did swing on morning of move day. i watched The Bloody Irish DVD. and part of Celtic Woman Emerald DVD. both with Lisa Lambe. (very important special interest).

mum said say bye to old room. i had a long look at it to say goodbye. i remember when it used to have a pink wall and butterfly wallpaper. and furniture in different places. different bed.

then 2 hour car journey!

at new house we got there before the moving trucks. so no furniture. and no heating for a while. so was very cold.

new house is big. much bigger than old house. mum and dad showed me around. even after days i still feel a bit lost... it will take time to learn.

i was so tired so i lie down on the floor and mum put hoodies under my head as pillow. and blankets over me. i had snacks and listen to my "fills brain just right" playlist of safe songs. then when my bed gets here, i went to sit in my bed.

[Image description: Ezra lying on his back on the floor. a few hoodies and a white cushion under his head. he is covered with blankets. he has his hood up and two teddies, one under each arm. his AAC device is on the floor next to him. his phone lays on his chest. his face is covered with a purple blob. end ID.]

[Image description: Ezra lying on his side on the floor with teddies cuddled to his chest. the same white pillow under his head and his phone in his hand. his eyes are closed. end ID.]

i told mum i feel safe and happy at the new house. and mum told dad. and dad came to me and said i gave him "sweaty eyes" (crying a few happy tears because he is glad i feel happy and safe). dad barely ever cries!

friday i had pasta for dinner out a weird bendy measuring container. we couldn't find bowls. but we had forks luckily.

no Internet since friday. the Sky people messed up and cancelled our Internet!! 😡 it was supposed to be monday we get wifi. we have to wait until the 6th of january. mum got me more mobile data.

i used my mobile data to do duolingo, check fitbit app, and check tumblr every so often. i saved posts to my drafts to reblog later. now that i have more data (thanks mum!) i will post all those reblogs.

i watch lots of DVDs. beauty and the beast. DVD was so glitchy from so much use in the past! Belle is my favourite princess since i was little. because she loves books and reading like me!! i watched that film so so many times over and over. almost couldn't watch it this time from so much video AND audio glitch! mum asked if i want a new copy, i said yes please :D

then sleeping beauty and maleficent (in that order). flash gordon, half of tinkerbell (got bored of it), tangled, the jungle book, muppets, the incredibles. camberwick green, bagpuss, mr benn, cult kids classics.

and of course i have watched my Celtic Woman and Lisa Lambe DVDs several times each! they are safe.

and read kindle. i got new books - Saxon Stories series by Bernard Cornwell. it is a long series so mum bought the first 6 for me (they came in a bundle together). these books is what The Last Kingdom is based on! so i hope for more Brida 🤞🏻, she is my favourite!! 😁

i listened to some Alex Rider audiobook too! i figured out how to connect headphones to kindle. sometimes (often) my brain goes on a tangent louder than the audiobook. i have to rewind lots. but i like it!

and i play games on phone. and listen to downloaded music on Spotify.

there was almost a disaster (aka meltdown). because no swing! friday night didn't sleep well. body restless and very stimmy. tense with buzzing energy.

then after dinner on saturday my body got super restless and antsy. and started pacing up and down the long corridor of upstairs. because just HAD to move. couldn't control it. couldn't stop it.

used to happen like this a lot, before i did swinging regularly. in school corridors, around bedroom, walking outside just keep going on and on and on, can't even control direction, my body just goes. even when i am exhausted and aching and legs feel like they are not there anymore. i can't stop it.

same with rocking and swaying and spinning and hitting wrists on hips. and slamming body into walls or bed or furniture. and shaking and flapping hands and arms (often at same time as i walk). all stims just out of control bursting out of me. so much dysregulation.

often would get worked up more and more and end up in meltdown. or sometimes get "lucky" and tire myself out so much then can't move for hours. still felt intense awful inside, but at least not have meltdown AND get in trouble told off punished for meltdown behaviour.

anyway, this time dad saved the day and put (temporary) swing up in living room. from the metal things up high! while i waited mum helped divert my path to my room and helped me stay rocking on my bed instead of pacing. then i did proper big swing. and calmed down. and slept really well that night. crisis averted. swing prevents so so many meltdowns!

[Image description: two pictures of Ezra in his swing. it is a hammock style swing. the first is from further away and you can see where the swing attatches to a metal beam high up. in the first image, Ezra slumps to the side a bit and looks down to his left. in the second picture, Ezra smiles but doesn't look at the camera. he is wearing black headphones. end ID.]

my legs muscles got so tight and sore from the pacing. and from bigger house means more walking. especially sore left (weaker side). my usual walk is quite shuffle-y and slow with short steps, but it was even more like that! and even more dragging left leg than usual.

since i was little i wish to be able to walk more. walking was always hard. tiring, painful. but instead of getting more with time, it got less and less. harder and harder. everything got harder. it is frustrating. i want my body to do so much more. and it is just not able.

i will get a wheelchair assessment here. don't know when. and mum and i talk about walking frame (posterior walker) possibility, to help walking around house. mum says she will ask the wheelchair people because they will know.

stairs are another challenge. bedroom upstairs, swing downstairs. stairs are huge hard work for me. it is possible, but exhausting. painful. especially painful on top of muscles already sore and fatigue from pacing. and few times a day for even a few days, means i get super much fatigue face flush. and sore aching body. drains ridiculous amounts energy. worry about crash.

i go down stairs sometimes sitting on my bum. but sometimes standing and go down one step at a time, always left foot (weaker) first. then for going up it is opposite, right foot (stronger) first and pull a lot with my arms on the banister. but already i crawled up the stairs a couple times. whichever way i do it, it is a huge workout for my whole body. at first i got help going with stairs, but last few times i did it on my own! i feel proud.

mum will call the stairlift people soon. but i don't like stairlift ☹️. even though i need it to be able to use precious energy for nice things (that is how mum says it). i just wish my body would do what i want and not have fatigue and pain like this. also much worry about stairlift makes even stronger "barrier" threshold.

when i can do it with my own body, i get less stuck. because it is more like follow a motor path. there is still a threshold, but my momentum can (usually) carry me over. if stairlift is there, it creates a point where i have to physically stop and change my action/task. that is where i am more likely to get stuck. and stairlift also has a bunch of steps to the task of using it. so if i can't even think of the steps or the order, i can't do it. and if that means i need help - it has to first occur to me that help is an option, occur to me that it is possible to ask for help, think how to ask, ask, and so on.

don't know for sure how it will be, but worry about all that.

bath is also different. harder work. mum keeps routine and order the same though. that helps. it is hard that it is different.

lots of things are a bit different. lots to get used to. water tastes different - at the old house the water was very very soft, here it is harder. it makes juice taste different. and lots of other small things. they add up.

sister came on tuesday night! she was at university but now she will live with us at this house. because it is close to her university. her bedroom is directly across the hall from mine.

i am very bored from lack of wifi. and from not able to get to swing as often. swing is my only physical outlet and my only way to get enough stim to regulate. and need a LOT of swing every single day to stay regulated. have to use so much of my limited energy to swing to avoid meltdown. i am really trying to be good. trying not complain. don't want to be any more a bother.

but i really like the new house. and hope hope hope 🤞🏻 with time it will get even better and better. 😊👍🏻

[evenshadow]

Vultures \\ a tropical gothic horror

Content Warnings: Death, Bugs, Blood

Excerpt below the cut.

Desperate to be anywhere but home, recently disgraced doctor Emily Fayne arrives at the wifi-free tropical wellness resort of Monte Descanso, a renovated Spanish fortress on its own private island. Amenities include sandy beaches, guided spelunking tours, special health juices, and swarms of vulture bees prowling the jungle in search of rotting flesh.

From the first night Emily can tell that something isn’t right. She’s seeing things that can’t be there, some of the other guests are acting strange, and their signature wellness drink, the elixir, that makes her feel too good to believe. Still, it’s easy to put it all down to jet lag and stress when staying means getting to go late-night skinny dipping with the resort’s hot yoga instructor, Jessa.

When Jessa goes missing a few days later, Emily must team up with eccentric treasure-hunting divorcee Phillipa to discover what happened. They begin to suspect that Jessa’s disappearance is connected to the disappearance of sailors on the island in the 1700’s, and that the cheerful resort owner, Harmony, knows more than she’s letting on.

Excerpt

Someone was knocking at the door and she should answer it. 

She got up at the third knock, hoping it would be Philippa with some of her smuggled contraband. She'd have to ask her to get her source to bring in bread and chocolate next time- the booze just wasn't cutting it. Emily threw a fuzzy robe overtop of her old oversized t-shirt, and looked through the peephole. 

Jessa was standing there, wearing the purple sportsbra and leggings she had been this morning at yoga and a wide, unflinching smile. 

Emily's hand went to the deadbolt immediately to let her in, but something stopped her. Before they'd gone into the cave, maybe she could have written it off, but she was tired of telling herself that her eyes and her ears and her whole body was lying to her. Something was wrong. 

She hesitated at the chain. 

The knock came again. 

"Hey, it's me! Jessa! Come on out, there's something I want to show you."

Her voice sounded hollow, like it was coming from far away. She pulled back from the door and looked through the peephole again, only to jerk backwards. Jessa’s eye was pressed right up against the peephole, making it look wide and distorted like a whale's. 

Whatever Jessa wanted to show her, Emily didn't want to see it. 

She took a couple of steps back from the door, trying to process while her mind was in a screaming panic, hide-under-the-covers mode. 

Jessa knocked again. "Come on, I know you're in there. You can't be tired yet. You have to come see this!"

There was no way she could actually see inside the peephole, right? Jessa couldn't see her inching backwards, going towards the phone. For all Jessa knew, she was downstairs having a midnight snack or holed up in some corner with Phillipa trading tall tales. 

Emily didn't know what she would say if she picked up the phone and got through to reception. ‘Help, my friend isn't my friend and she wants me to come outside?’ That seemed useless. Unless...

The Jessa at the door knocked louder. "Emily! Emily? Emily!"

Emily picked up the phone, and dialed 0 for reception. 

Sylvie's cheery voice was on the other end of the line. "Good evening, Emily. What can I do for you?"

She knocked again. Once, twice. It grew into a constant sound, her knuckles on the door without pause. 

Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.

"You guys have land lines, in your rooms, right?" Emily whispered into the receiver. They must have phones somehow. This wasn't a prison or a reality show where people had to be expected to stand in line and wait to talk to their mothers. "Can you connect me to Jessa? It's important. I know you're probably not supposed to do that but..."

The tapping was still going. She- it- whatever - was still there, just outside. 

"I mean, we’re not supposed to…”

“Please. You can take away my phone privileges if I abuse it. It’s urgent.”

There was a sigh on the other end of the line. “Fine, but just for you. It’s against policy. Is there something wrong?"

Yes. Yes yes yes. 

"No." Emily knew she should have elaborated, but she couldn’t think up a good enough excuse while her mind was seizing in panic.

"Okay. Hold for a moment."

Some calming flute music with ocean sound effects started playing and Emily had never hated the flute so much in her life.It felt like an age, but was only thirty seconds or so, before she heard another voice on the end of the line.

"Hello?"

It was Jessa's voice, as far as she could remember. Some part of her brain was fracturing trying to reconcile the idea that she was hearing Jessa's voice from two places at once. 

Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.

"Are you somehow outside my door right now?"

"No."

[azimuthalcoquelicot]

hey i just noticed you're doing flappy dragons every day??? awesome??? and i don't play it a lot so idk if it's in the games order but if it isn't, how do you pick the order? (love the art btw :3)

thankyou! As for how I pick the order,

I don't.

I find it hard to draw something when it's too planned out. There are a few ways I go about it.

Certain events or special days i usually have a dragon planned e.g. Noelyx for Christmas, Huooo for new years eve

I have a few ideas, like i wanted to do a mandela drawing and i thought a plant dragon would be good for that since mandalas often have plant patterns, and one day i went 'todays the day i make a mandela colour in thingy' and picked Sylvetrose for it right before i started drawing.

For Wokura I drew the background first not really thinking about the flappy challenge and just wanting to do practise on perspective, and then somewhere during the drawing went 'i could add a flappy dragon to this' and then picked Wokura because I was having a lot of fun playing as it at the time.

For Memphara and X-M3T30R I saw the 'i didn't know they were stackable!?' leopard meme and then chose cat-like dragons to draw over the top

Most of the time I open up a blank page in clip studio and then I open a canvas which has about 18 references from the wiki on it (after I've drawn a few of them and the amount of dragons i haven't drawn gets smaller I'll replenish it and grab more mostly at random) and just pick a dragon that i feel like drawing in the moment.

Or I'll have a focus of something i want to practise, backgrounds, anatomy, lines, lighting, colours; Or a style i want to try to replicate aspects of and then pick a dragon for that.

The canvas of references makes it easy because i don't have to connect my laptop to the wifi and google the reference, or reference from my phone with the game open if I want to draw at 11pm on a Wednesday, I can just copy the layer with the reference over to the blank canvas and start.

I'm thinking about recording a speed paint soon that'll include my whole process

This whole challenge started because i was recording speed paints as background footage for a video essay i was going to do on the game, and the variety and flexibility of the term 'dragon' in general (which I'll still probably make) and then ran out of space on my computer from the recordings and had to delete them :,) I was just left with the images, and my impulsiveity, so i started the challenge.

Xian Xi (day 8) was the first dragon I actually drew FOR the challenge. I was supposed to be doing YouTube and not Tumblr, but my living situation has changed quite recently and I wouldn't've been able to do YouTube anyways, so it worked out ig. (I'm ok now btw)

I am worried when I get closer to the end of this that I'll struggle to get the inspiration to draw when I only have a few dragons left to draw butttt I'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

Thanks for asking!

i only kinda proof read this, so there are probably lots of bad grammar, spelling mistakes etc. so thanks for reading my maybe somewhat hard to read babbling

[pbandjesse]

My back is hurting me so bad right now. And everything smells bad. Being pregnant is hard! It isn't all bad but I do feel like I'm getting to a point where it's going to keep sucking and only get worse. At least I consistently feel baby now. That's a nice thing. It feels more real every day.

I did not sleep well. I got up a ton to pee and to drink water in my never ending battle against how dry everything feels. Mom ordered me a better humidifier so hopefully that helps after it gets here tomorrow.

I woke up at 9 and didn't feel amazing but I tried to shake that off. I sent James a picture of something to both make them laugh and let them know I was awake but I didn't realize that were laying on the floor at the end of the bed so hearing them laugh so close was a nice surprise.

I went to get dressed and James made the bed. I didn't wear my planned outfit but wore these pants because it's easy to get my injections when I wear them. And I did feel cute.

James offered to make me a nice hash for breakfast. And I hung out on the couch and had that. Sweetp was being super lovey today and that was really nice. He's a good boy.

After breakfast we would head out to go to target. The plan was to look at maternity leggings and a tank top. I am starting to really struggle with bottoms. Even these pants, the waist band hurts after a while. I have some tights I can still wear but the newer ones I got last winter are just a bit to constraining.

So maternity leggings. I didn't want to buy them online so I could try them on and target is the only place I knew to look. We had pretty alright luck.

I would end up with two pairs of flared bottoms yoga pants and one regular width legging. The leggings are just fine but I loved the yoga pants so much I got two they are just super comfortable but also felt really flattering.

I was struggling still to look and think but James was a very good support. We went to look at tank tops next. These are actually basically sports bras. I had planned on getting two of them but I decided to just get one for now. I got a size larger then I normally would because being squeezed at all is uncomfortable for me. But this seemed fine and if I like it I will get a second later on.

We would look at the oreos and each chose a pack. I got mega stuffed. James got toffee. And after going to the body wash section and smelling all of them I got one I can use as bubble bath that I'm pretty pleased with.

We waited in line with a baby in front of us who was learning to wave. It was very sweet. James keeps saying how excited they are for baby and it's still hard for me but I get more excited when a baby smiles at me.

We went home after that. And we would have a few hours until we had to go to my rhumatologist appointment. James would go for a bike ride. Though it was to wet and foggy for anything intense. They just wanted to stretch.

And while they were gone I did my nails and put away my new leggings. I would also wake Crabcake up to rinse him in warm water and give him some food. He ate all the lettuce and some of the pico I put in there. It was nice to see him. I can't wait until he's awake more often, I miss him!

As I was putting more water in the fish tank I heard James outside. They were helping a delivery driver who's phone wouldn't connect to data. They both came inside to use our wifi for a minute. I thought it was very kind of James to do that.

We had some time still. James made lunch. I had some Oreos. And laid in bed so my phone could charge. And around 220 we would head back out.

It wasn't the worst or best appointment. I got the medical assistant that I don't like all that much. She didn't ask me any of the questions and barely talked to me. The blood pressure cuff hurt and my blood pressure was slightly elevated. But I think it was because of me being uncomfortable.

The injections also really hurt today. I think I'm just slightly sensitive today but still. It wasnt my most favorite time.

I finished up though and made my next appointment for January. The receptionist is always super sweet to me and asked me all about baby and that was really nice.

And then I met James down at the car. They had gotten us some groceries. And made dinner plans with the Fulwilers. We would leave our house around 530.

So we could go home first. Which was nice. I was able to charge my phone and rest my back for a little. Being in the car seems to make it hurt worse. But so does sitting and then standing or standing and then bending. Things are just becoming really tough.

We left again though. Back out into the world. And it would be nice to see the Fulwilers. Anne and Tucker got some work done on the house because they are going to be selling in the next few months. And they both looked healthy. Charlotte would come too and she told us all about how bad her students are (affectionate tone) right before break starts.

They ordered pizza. Had a bit to much stuff on it for me but I dissected them and they were fine. I wasn't that hungry anyway.

I was enjoying the company. Talking about Christmas plans and everything. It was nice. I was feeling alright. Though my back was hurting worse and worse as the evening rolled on.

I could barely enjoy when Anne brought out military photos of her father and Charlotte putting on his winter formal blues. I was just hanging out, crouched in the living room, because sitting and standing had become to much.

But James recognized I was struggling. And after offering Charlotte a ride home (she declined, gotta get those steps in), we headed home.

We just got back now. And I'm going to take a shower and try a heating pad. We're going to watch call the midwife and just spend some time together. It will be nice.

And tomorrow it's back to work. I have an event in the evening. And I'm hoping to have energy for some studio stuff. I just hope it's a good day.

For you too! I love you all! Goodnight!!

[piglinmyfeet]

Personally, I'd like to admit that I was not having a good time on Friday at the time of Joel's hermitcraft announcement

See, Friday is my second longest college day of the week (9:15-16:00) but like almost 4 hours of that is empty space so whatever

However, I generally cannot use Tumblr or anything while I'm there because my phone is shit and kills itself whenever I try to connect to that places WiFi, and also that place is on a hill so the signal is really shit (but literally everything's on a hill in this shitscape of a city) so it's pretty hard to use mobile data

So basically I was going back and forth between reading my book and testing my mobile data to get on Tumblr

And then it does work, and I look on Joel's tag and I see people talking about him being on hermitcraft but the images won't load because the signal is so bad and I have to wait another like 3 hours before I can get somewhere with a good signal and see what's going on

(for the record, I could've just walked down the hill where the signal was better, but I took my coat that day and it was too sunny to wear but it's also heavy and annoying to carry and also I'd already been to town and come back and I was sweaty and I didn't want to)

(also this is UK college which is 16-18yo, not America, I am an A-level student)

[daydreamgoddess14]

Life After Richmond pt. 5

MASTERLIST

A Jason Sudeikis multi-chapter RPF w/a reader insert OFC. No use of y/n l/n.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5 - Final Chapter

Mexico was hot. Laura had found a gorgeous hotel right on the beach with views and tequila to die for. She’d diligently kept her Instagram followers up to date, which also included Beth and Brett. She’d posted a handful of pictures of their first couple of days - a selfie of the two of them with margaritas in hand, Callie on a sun lounger with her head in a book, the view from their room… On their last full day they'd spent the morning on the beach, Callie in the water and Laura in the sun. As Callie walked back up the beach to their spot, Laura snapped a photo, and wolf whistled.

"Wooo, look at you. Holy crap babe you look great - look at that?!" She held the photo up to Callie to approve. "Raquel Welch eat your fucking heart out." She posted it straight away with exactly that caption, alongside a few more she'd taken in the latter half of the week. Without her phone, Callie had no idea what Laura had actually posted throughout the week, but she trusted her regardless. Saying goodbye with one final cocktail, they made their way to the airport in a cab. Callie retrieved her phone from the depths of her bag and brought it to life. She'd loved her disconnected week, but she wanted to find out how the final days had gone on Ted and how Beth had been. While they got coffee, Callie let the airport WiFi bring her phone into the present day. There were only really her favourite 3 people to catch up with. A string of messages from Beth, usually off the back of seeing Laura's photos, a couple off Brett, and just the one from Jason. She replied in the order she'd seen them, Beth first, and then Brett. She opened the message from Jason, short and to the point, 

'Fucking hell babe, are you trying to kill me?'

She frowned, and replied first before opening her social media. 

'What's up? Just catching up. I have no idea what's going on?'

As Instagram opened up, the algorithm brought her most popular followed accounts to the top with the content she'd missed. Greeting her at the very top of the timeline was her own bikini picture. She scrolled through the others Laura had posted, liked them, and commented on them. She showed Laura Jason's message while they waited to board.

"You idiot, he's seen your hot bikini pic - isn't it obvious?" Callie hadn't considered that. She didn't think he had Instagram, but then again she also thought he didn't have Twitter so her track record was not great. 

"Oh wow, you think?" Laura nodded emphatically. 

"For sure. Message him again." Callie brought up their message chain and looked expectantly at Laura. 

"And say what maestro?"

"You're the writer." Laura snorted. Callie thought for a while. 

'Ah. All caught up now. My back burned that day, should have put more sunscreen on.'

'You're funny. You should probably bump Laura from the next trip if she's not going to help you with sunscreen.'

'I think I will. Let me know if you can think of a suitable replacement.' 

She took a quick selfie of the two of them, still wearing sun hats and glasses, and sent it off with her reply.

'Boarding for home now, will call later or tomorrow. No idea when I'm supposed to land. Hope you haven't missed me too much.'

'Laura's Instagram has been a lifeline.'

She shook her head and switched her phone back off. 

New York was significantly cooler than Mexico. After nearly 3 weeks away, Callie spent the morning doing laundry, catching up on missed emails and refilling her fridge. She joined the scheduled call with Brett and Jason, they'd all missed calls from each other over the previous two days and hadn't been able to properly catch up. 

"Look at those freckles!" Brett laughed as soon as Callie’s video connected. 

"It's the sun! I haven't seen it for so long." She grinned. "How was it finishing Ted?'

"Awful, I think I'm still dehydrated from all the tears. And not seeing him every day is worse than I expected." Brett pointed as Jason's video joined the call. 

"You're not still crying are you? I'll see you tomorrow, you can have another hug." Jason offered, "Hey Callie, good trip?"

"Really good. I think I've missed my calling as a tequila aficionado."

"It's good to have you back. Not that we did much work while you were gone."

They spent a good couple of hours catching up before Brett had to leave for another meeting while Callie and Jason stayed in the call. 

"How's LA?"

"Not bad, I prefer Brooklyn but the kids are here so that makes it better. You catching up with your New York guy now you're back?"

"Nope." Callie popped the 'p'. "I broke it off before I left for Mexico. He wasn't surprised, it's not like we were anything serious, he'd still been seeing other people so… there's that. I just didn't want to disappear completely without saying so."

"I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"Are you?" Callie asked outright. 

"No.” He admitted truthfully, “I'm sorry you didn't find what you were looking for."

"Hmm. I don't think I knew what I was looking for." They fell into silence for a minute. "I need to head off actually."

"Another date lined up already?"

"Only with Laura. I'm giving her my abstract for the next book. Not the one I'm writing now, the next one after that."

"Wow, that's planning ahead."

"It's just an idea for now, we'll see how it goes." 

"I can't wait to hear about it. I have to go too, I'm getting the kids from school."

"Speak to you soon?"

"Of course. Nice to have you back."

Callie fell quickly back into her usual work rhythm, dividing her time between her part written book, the plans for the next one, and the work on the show. She and Jason had resumed their back and forth calls and messages, with time difference having a much lesser impact. With only a week or so before he and Brett were due back from LA, Callie was working flat out. She picked up her phone as it rang and propped it against her tea mug so she could continue typing. 

"Hey, you busy?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Apple Dan wanted to confirm our next meeting. Is two weeks today OK for you?"

"I don't know if two minutes from now is good for me to be honest." Callie snapped. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm just stressing with this deadline on the first draft chapters for the book. I've got no fucking hot water in the apartment, the landlord has no idea when it'll be fixed so I'm having to go the the gym every day, which is taking time I don't fucking have right now and it’s absolutely disgusting, I swear people are fucking animals-"

"Hey, hey woah, stop. It's OK. Go to my place - my neighbour with the green door has a spare key. I'll call her now and let her know you're coming. Stay there as long as you need to. Just pick a room, my housekeeper was there earlier in the week to check it over so make yourself at home." Callie fumbled to pick up the phone. 

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am. I'm not back for another…four days? Five days, I think. If your place isn't sorted by then, you can just stay at mine for longer and I'll stay out of your way while you're on Laura's time."

"Oh god, thank you so much. You're a fucking hero."

"It's really nothing."

"No, it's everything, it's perfect. I owe you big time."

"Get some stuff packed, I'll call my neighbour now."

"Thanks babe, love ya."  Callie hung up the phone and immediately dropped it. Fuck. She grabbed it back up and called Laura without a second thought. 

"Hiii! You ok?"

"Noooo. I just told Jason I loved him."

"Sorry, what?"

"He told me to go to his apartment and stay there cos I was so stressed over the hot water thing and then I went to hang up and it just fell out of my mouth like I was saying bye to you, or Beth. It was just completely…"

"Natural. Because you do love him, he's literally your best friend who did something really nice for you, and of course it was your automatic and natural response. Don't overthink it, he probably didn't even notice." Callie wasn't so sure about that, but she hummed and conceded with Laura before putting some things in a bag. She took an Uber with her stuff the few blocks to Jason's and knocked at the house next door. She vaguely explored the house without being too intrusive, trying to find the guest bedroom. She closed the doors on the kids' rooms so she didn't disturb anything in them, and found the guest room right across the hall from Jason's. She hovered in the hallway between the two doors for a second, eyeing up the bigger bed, but common sense won out and she dropped her bag in the spare room. It was like pressing a big magic button. 

Removing the underlying stress of her apartment issues suddenly unlocked Callie’s productivity. She sat at the kitchen island that she had last shared with Brett and Jason and she drafted outlines for the next book, edited and re-edited her first draft chapters of the new book, and worked hard on tying up the loose plot points that she’d been working on for the show. For three full days she sat from 8am til 6pm and worked, she took an hour each in the morning and afternoon to go for a walk around Jason’s neighbourhood, took some bakery cupcakes to his neighbour to thank them for arranging to let her in, and filled his fridge. Each evening, she sat with a glass of wine and picked a movie from his outrageous collection. By the fourth day, she started pulling on a story thread for the show which had come from nowhere. She missed her morning break, ate lunch while standing in front of her laptop and made voice notes when she went for a walk in the afternoon. She didn’t stop to watch a movie, instead she put You Got Mail on in the background. By 11pm she was asleep on the sofa with her laptop still resting on her stomach. 

Jason saw the lights on from the street, he wasn’t sure whether she’d still be there, the last he’d heard she was trying to find out whether the water was back on at her apartment. Since then, he’d been on an earlier flight back to New York so hadn’t seen an update. The house was quiet when he entered so he stayed silent. He peered around the sitting room door to see Callie laid out on the sofa wearing his hoodie and a pair of pajama shorts. The end credits of You Got Mail were rolling and her laptop looked as though it was about to slide off her stomach to the floor. He reached her just in time to catch it and put it down safely. She stretched out, causing the hoodie to rise up but she didn’t stir at all. He ran his fingers through her hair gently.

“Callie? Callie baby, time to wake up.” she batted his hand away and frowned in her sleep. He took her hand and kissed her palm. “Cal?”

“Jason?” She mumbled in her sleep, rolling to her side to face him.

“It’s me, time to wake up and get into a real bed?” Her eyes fluttered open and she looked blankly at him. She took a couple of blinks to wake up and reached out a hand to brush across his stubble, the Ted mustache had been taken over. She looked completely confused.

“Are you really here?” she whispered.

“I am. You ok?” she snatched her hand back and sat up quickly, shaking off the sleep.

“How come you’re here? I thought you were back tomorrow. Have I missed a day?”

“I got an early flight. Why are you working so late?” He helped her up off the sofa and she stretched out the aching muscles.

“I got carried away with a storyline.” She handed him a beer from the fridge, “I can go back to my apartment tomorrow.”

“That’s good. So I umm… I came back because I was worried about you. I finished my last meeting today and didn’t want to wait for the flight tomorrow.”

“It’s been a much better few days. I submitted my chapters so I’m clear of deadlines now for a few weeks. Plus the water is fixed.” There was an odd silence and a strange nervousness radiating from Jason which was also beginning to engulf Callie. “So, I’m gonna go to bed. Then I can get out of your hair tomorrow so you can settle back in.” She finished her beer and put the bottle in the recycling box.

“I’ve missed you.” He said quietly as she reached the doorway. “Not hearing from you while you were away was so weird and then Laura was posting those photographs and you looked…” his eyes moved from her to the ceiling, “god Callie, you look so perfect. Then. Now. Every single day. I quit. This push and pull? This game? I’m cracking first, I quit.” Callie’s eyes grew wider. She cleared her throat a little. 

“I’m so much braver when there’s an ocean or a fucking phone between us. I can almost forget that… you take every breath from my body. When you’re there, in front of me, it’s like I can't speak or think. You trip me up every time. I fumble the bag.” She hesitated. “Believe me, you won a long time ago. Brett, Laura, Beth, they’ve been calling me out on my bullshit for months. I just keep getting in my own way.” She fell away to a whisper. She looked at the floor unsure of herself. The silence was deafening. She closed her eyes to blink back tears and as they refocused on the floor, Jason’s sneakers came into view. She looked up, shocked to see the boundless love in his eyes. Callie finally, finally, met him in a searing kiss.

She buried her face deeper into the pillow, hiding from the sunlight. She could feel Jason pressed against her back, breathing softly into her hair and unbothered by the opened blinds. Even in sleep, his hands were everywhere. Callie sighed contentedly. Somewhere across the room, a phone rang. She was all set to ignore it and go back to sleep, but Jason groaned with a low rumble and she suddenly felt anything but sleepy. He left her side briefly to get the phone and answered with a deep, sleepy voice.

“Yeah?”

“Oh… It’s Laura. Is Callie there?” Jason moved the phone from his ear to look at it. Definitely not his.

“Your phone babe, not mine.” He went to hand it over but she pushed it back towards him, rolling over to face him.

“Tell her I’ll call her later, I’m sleeping.” He smirked.

“Uhh, she’s busy, Laur. She’ll call you later.” He hung up and pulled Callie close,

“I said sleeping, not busy.” She pointed out.

“Sleep is for the weak. I’ve waited too long for you to let you sleep.”

~~~~~~~~

FIN

[echologname]

Phone addiction and ADHD

Phones give a mind numbing constant stream of a dopamine high like doom scrolling. If you're sucked into this habit for hours on end every day, it can mess up your brain's dopamine regulation and then everything that's not your phone seems dull, not as stimulating and boring, so all you want to do is go back to that rush, and pick up your phone again.

With someone with ADHD, the brain already struggles with dopamine regulation for focus and motivation and so, I think we're especially susceptible to phone addiction and the repercussions are perhaps more pronounced than a neurotypical person.

I've definitely noticed a concerning change with my attention span. I didn't get a smart phone until I was 19 and as a kid, reading books was my favorite thing to do, now it's like when I sit down to read, it's like I have to uncomfortably force myself to read a page or two and I start wanting to pick up my phone again because it's so much more stimulating. I don't have to have any patience, any song, show, book, movie or thing I want to learn about is all instantaneous. I've never had issues with impulsivity, poor decision making and poor time and money management (at least minimally), but when my brain has become so used to being relaxed and used to "imaginary" money just disappearing and objects appearing at the door a day later, is an unprecedented dopamine addiction.

My phone is great when I use it MINDFULLY not MINDLESSLY. I find I actually find more enjoyment from my phone when I'm intentionally doing something specific like drawing, reading or listening to music. Getting sucked into a doom scroll or WAY off track, just makes me feel dull, and sad that I let it happen for the umpteenth time.

For the past few years, I've experimented with finding activities to replace phone time. I got a Sony ereader Pocket Edition ERS-300. Why get an old device made in 2009 when I could have gotten the latest Kindle? I didn't want something with wifi or ads, so, I prioritized simplicity and I miss devices with tactile buttons for sensory purposes. I got a handheld radio to use before bed and when I wake up instead of being on my phone. I also got into retro gaming because it's better than being online and on social media. I decided to take up origami again like when I was a kid as well as baking, playing with my dogs, drawing, crafting...etc. At first it was difficult to remember what I did for fun as a kid, what did I do before my smart phone? I'm glad I'm figuring it out though.

The best thing I can do right now is make my smartphone "dumber," like turning on greyscale, uninstalling distracting apps and only leaving the necessary "tools" and turning on Do Not Disturb. Basically make it boring. I did order a Light Phone II (I couldn't get my childhood flip phone to connect to modern cell networks), so when it arrives, I'll see if that helps since keeping my phone in "boring" mode seems to be a struggle to stick to. It's like I'm so used to it being stimulating, I feel like it SHOULD be that way, I expect it to and being boring feels wrong but I guess that's just another symptom of the hold it has on me.

I realized I had a genuine problem when I spent like 8 hr on my phone then sat down in bed and I felt like I didn't know how to exist without me staring at it. Like a substance addict's brain being buzzed and never satisfied without the thing that makes it feel that way.

This has been a genuine issue for me and my ADHD sister as well, so, I'm just making this about my experience and I hope to support anyone who might be dealing with the same issue.

[sofiadragon]

Why is planning a trip to Disney World with my Mother in Law, who has stage 4 cancer and must take all the grandbabies to Disney before she's too sick, more work and stress than when I was a regional manager opening a new store location.

Disney Genie+ is the worst idea anyone has ever conceived. This mix of first-come fisrt-served and gambling mechanics is absolute insanity. Stare at your phone all day rather than get immersed? We don't need another reason to be looking down instead of interacting with our families on vacation. People who pay for and game this system win short wait times on rides. People who don't get much, much longer waits to accommodate the gamblers. Defunctland made a video about fast passes that says everything I could want to say far better than I can ever say it. Why yes I will just ride the merry-go-round 47 times, that little AI dot has life figured out.

I wish those magic bands ran off a local park-specific infrastructure connection instead of a bluetooth connection to a phone app. Not wifi to the internet but to a LAN. No phone connection needed, they really don't need to be on the internet. Tag into a lightning lane using a kiosk or tap point, it vibrates when it is your turn. Let the phone be optional once you start your day unless you need to change your plans. Don't make the magic band vibrate the whole time the fireworks are going off, like an insistent toddler saying "look at me! Look at me!" when we all want to be looking up. Oh, I hope they "fix" that before we go.

But the mad planning for reservations at the character restaurants and special events/activities 60 days before the vacation is the actual worst. Look, I'll take first come first serve, I'll get up at the crack of dawn for my family that's fine, but let me put in a ranked choice for what I want to do that day and all the other days of my trip before it goes live and give me one of them if possible. Maybe 3 choices per day in a ranked list, (#1 dinner with Snow White on any day, #2 build a lightasber the day we go to Hollywood studios, etc.) and then you get one of those assigned by an AI between midnight and 7am Florida time before things go live. People who put something down as their #1 get first crack at that thing, with some random lottery thrown in. Then it's a free for all race for every other thing you want to reserve based on who has the fastest internet if you want more. Give people with slower connections half a chance at getting to see Snow White (only 1 dinner service per day for my kid's favorite character, with a VERY swanky and pricy prix fix menu) and then if you really didn't want that third string choice or if things changed since you set it up, you cancel and try to get something else in that t-60 days scramble. At least everyone will get something automatically off their planning list, and as people change their plans something might open up you can squeeze into (just like they already do, because some people grab 3 sit down meals a day and cancel the ones they decide not to go to the week or day before.)

It's ten days until my MIL and I wake up at dark o'clock to have a digital black friday stampede through the reservation procedure. I need some fairies on my side to get this done.

[whitesandbrowns]

Day 1

1/100 | 17.07.23

Woke up around 6 today. Worked out. Though almost killed myself doing basic beginniner level day 1 workout. My arms are still paining. And i didn't even finish a whole pushup. Ugh.

Had some toast for the breakfast. I watched ruby's video while having breakfast. She is that one person who always makes me wanna do anything in my life with more passion and love towards it.

Then started working. Had good time at work mostly. Had weekly team meeting today as its monday. I am happy to see some progression over packaging design thing. I think we will be able to close it this week, at least from my side.

A tremendously funny thing happened to me today. I dont even know what to call it. So i was working at home till late noon, so after that i thought let's go to my fav cafe to have some mint tea and just work there. So i packed literally everything, went there and then i realized i didnt have my phone there. I left it at home as it was on charging.

But i was like, its okay, the cafe Still has the wifi. I dont need to worry much. I hardly use my phone anyway. But my dearest luck, had different plans. Even the wifi was not working there that time. The owner knew me so she was kind enough to offer her own hotspot but it also didn't get connected. The amazing bad luck i had. And meanwhile all of this, i already had ordered tea so i could not do anything but just wait for the tea to get its flavour and cool down a little bit so i can drink it. But i tried to stay calm and sketched out the cafe, did not turn out like i wanted to but i still did pretty good. Will share it tomorrow

I got home and studied for a while on tangible interaction design and as part of the example there ws this marble answering machine and i absolutely loved the idea. I havent even started the course yet but i can tell for sure how amazing it is going to be. I think i ak gonna finish these courses only as of july. And from august i will start preparing according bhanu's calender.

In my break time i saw this kid on youtube short and immediately fell in love with the parenting. I know for a fact she i gonna grow up to be an amazing person. Kudos to the parents who understands it is an individual they afe raising and not just some part of their own which they need to protect and pamper. Kudos to the kimonomom

and then i mostly slept and skipped dinner as i was not hungry. Thought went out to have ice cream with my dad before going to meet my grandma. She is not so well right now but i hope she gets well soon and gets stronger than ever.

Came home and had a call with my boyfriend while i did a little work and then focused on him, and had a great time talking to him.

Then i did some face massage with gua sha and jade roller. I didnt take a shower today because didnt feel like it. I hope i wake up early tomorrow. Root for me, will ya?

I think this day was overall not as productive. I felt sleepy for most of the part, i need to come up with better sleep routine but other than that, all good. I am happy. Confident. Hopeful.

See you guys tomorrow.

Love,

K

[duskkit]

Along different lines but roughly the same sentiment:

I was thinking, last night as I tried to get to sleep, about how nice single-purpose devices are. Devices that aren't meant for internet browsing and all the varied uses that come with it, even if some of them do technically have the capability. Things we don't even think of when we say 'device', even.

It's rainy lately, and there's an occasionally leaky section of roofing in the bedroom that should have been fixed after last year's wet season, right along the same ceiling beam that the wires for the overhead light are attached to. I've been keeping the wall switch off because I don't want to risk water finding its way to a powered wire.

I don't have an overhead light, but lanterns are great. My flashlights kept flaking out, last year, but there's a great electric lantern that I've got now. It shines reliably and can be collapsed down into itself-- a little bit to block off some of the light, or a lot to shut it off when I'm done with it. It makes sure I don't trip getting into bed, provides a gentle light if I want to read for a while, and hangs from the doorknob when I leave the room for the day.

What got me on this line of thought: I don't have a way to tell time in my room, currently. I don't have a smartphone, my laptop is not great for carrying room to room (not actually heavy or unwieldy, just chronic pain), and there hasn't been an analogue clock on the wall in nearly a decade. The wall switch turns off the whole room's power, including the alarm clock. And... when was the last time I saw an actual watch?

Not a smart watch that has a screen and internet connection, but an actual watch with a second hand that goes tick-tick-tick? An actual watch that tells the time well if you know how to read it, just the time, using the whole of its face instead of shrinking it to hide between six or twelve other distracting functions?

To be fair, I might not know if half the population of my city wore watches every day. I didn't go out much even before covid times. But honestly, I bet it's not near 1% of people who wear watches ever, these days.

My elementary school, I think in second grade, gave me a cheap watch and lessons on how to tell time. A friend in middle school gifted me a pretty silver and pink one for a birthday, that I unfortunately haven't seen for years. I never noticed anybody wearing a watch to high school-- we all had phones, it would have been redundant. But I think it's a loss, that people don't consider watches much anymore.

And... I had an E-reader for a while. Nook simple touch with glowlight, or something like that. It was smaller and easier to transport than a laptop, but unlike a phone, still large enough hug to my chest like I might a really good book. Its screen did not rely on bright light to display, so that wasn't a constant battery drain when there was outside light to read by, and even when the internal lighting was on, it could be set way dimmer and gentler than any other computer screen I've ever seen. It could connect to the internet, but it didn't need to, my dad would collect stories on his computer and transfer them on by USB cable. The most WIFI access I'd give it would be a minute or so after a daylight savings time change, or a particularly long while without charge, to give the clock a chance correct. For a long time, I could get weeks or even months of use from a single charging. Read before school, during lunch break, after school, by sun or room lighting; and then read in bed by its internal lighting. Hours a day of reading, for years... until the times the Nook would run out of charge got close enough together (after a few replacement batteries, each harder to source and failing faster) that it didn't seem worthwhile to keep using it. I had my own laptop by that point, anyways, and browsing the internet directly was more efficient for finding new stories.

When I get sick, though, there's often this point where headaches or nausea make computer screens impractical. And, especially now that my chronic pain makes reading a paper book challenging, I really miss the much gentler screen of my Nook. It was great for times like that. But last time I tried to charge it, it took about an hour to even get out of complete shutdown mode, let alone to a level usable not still plugged in...

A smartphone or a laptop is a portable light, and clock, and E-reader, and much more. But there's a lot to be said for devices that, instead of trying to be (or trying to pretend to be) one-size-fits-all and every-purpose, simply do one thing, or a few things, very well in exactly the way the particular owner needs. For me: a lantern to light my way, a watch for compact portable time-keeping, an E-reader with gentle light for those times when I'm too sensitive to movement or stimulation for other forms of entertainment. (At least, hopefully I'll have that whole collection at once someday.)

Internet devices are so much more fragile, too, than ones that are mostly self-contained. At least user interface wise. Individual apps and the overarching operating system change all the time, often not positively. Whether the updates mean to protect against security exploits, to make a change the programmers think most people will like, or to include more ads, there's a decent chance at some point something you liked will get lost along the way. Such as, a lack of ads. More ads is never appreciated, but much more common than less ads. But also... some feature that only 20% of people use regularly, replaced by a related but not interchangeable feature somebody thinks the other 80% of people will find more useful? Hope you're not part of the 20% who relied on the way things were before...

smartphone storage plateauing in favor of just storing everything in the cloud is such dogshit. i should be able to have like a fucking terabyte of data on my phone at this point. i hate the fucking cloud

[kikipops117]

Book reports, anyone?

(I've gotta give some loopooong context first so skip this block of text if you wanna get to the action of my words or if you dont want your opinion of me to sour cuz im gonna be brutally honest and not mince words about what drove me to this point :.)

Because of my crusade to spend less time on the internet, I read more books in 2024 than I have cumulatively in years. And it altered my brain chemistry. In a good way. Maybe "healed" is a better word for it.

I know I am not alone in the camp of people who got out of high school and suddenly became starved for the drive to read. Devouring books as if I needed them to breathe was a hallmark of my childhood, and it was scary how easily I just fell into quitting and didn't even notice it. As a kid, I would finish a book and felt as if I'd lost a limb until I found another story to jump into. But I stepped out of my childhood bliss and into grown-up care, and it's like one day I woke up and didn't need to breathe anymore. I became an adult without holding on to what used to be a load-bearing facet of my life. Sure, I'd occasionally re-read the classics (LOTR and Hunger Games mostly), but I didn't pick up anything new, and I didn't want to. All the while, my screen time crept higher and higher.

The only thing that opened my eyes to what was, by all evidence, a phone addiction, was the sudden realization that I could no longer be content inside my head. I needed overstimulatuon to feel at ease. I needed tiktok on in the background while I ate, worked, exercised. I started writing again, and when I instinctually reached for my phone and told myself no, I got irritable and fussy like a smoker being cut off from their nicotine. I would watch movies on my phone and during slow moments I would literally swipe up on habit, trying to get a hit of dopamine from something shocking and fast, only to realize what I'd done and feel all kinds of shame and embarrassment. Something needed to change.

In 2023 I decided to try to read more. It went okay, I was able to finish 2 or 3 books, but I didn't cut off my internet addiction. I was living alone in a house with no wifi. My only connection to the internet, my friends, news, was social media. My screen time got worse and worse as I packed my reading ajd writing so tightly between my scrolling sessions that I had little time for anything else, and my brain was asphyxiating.

In 2024, Akane and I moved into a house together, and because she needs internet to function, we got wifi. A first for me in almost 4 years. Up until that point, all of my writing had to be done on my smartphone. I had a little Bluetooth keyboard I'd hook up to it, and I literally wrote two rough drafts for novels purely on my phone. So to be able to write from the comfort of my laptop with my phone on silent across the room felt liberating. As if I'd written the prior two novels under the oppressive thumb of an abusive overseer who so graciously allowed me just enough free time to think for myself so long as I paid my dues by scrolling for hours on end once I was put of steam. I was so codependent on short-form content and staring at my phone. My cell was like my only lifeline to my faraway friends (during the pandemic I was forced to move somewhere remote and at least 300 miles in any direction from any friends). It was also my only key to my greatest passion, which is writing. I couldn't just turn away from it! That would be like asking a fish never to breathe water again, but leaving him in the tank to tread with his gills above water.

Encouraged by my newfound freedom from my phone, I decided this year to do something drastic. I had a tiktok page (not the one you will find under my name now, btw,) that was like my video journal to all the hoopla that goes on in my life. I had a few thousand followers and a few million likes and views. It was doing really well and it was on the up. I decided to delete it. (I'm ashamed to admit that it was only this past month that I found the courage to remove Instagram from my phone as well once I found myself sneaking back into reels in order to get to short-form content. I'd kept Instagram because I told myself that I needed to keep up with the lives of my friends. Then I realized that I already spoke every day to my closest circle via text and I was kidding myself if i thought I needed insta to stay close to them.)

With the section of my brain usually devoted to processing endless tiktoks suddenly freed up, I found myself pondering a new writing project. This was unlike anything I'd worked on before, and it was the first concept I'd had in years that sparked such intense excitement and passion. I began writing and found the process easier than ever. But as I went, I became acutely aware that I had ZERO comp-titles for this project that I wished to someday query. (For those who don't know, a comp title is a preexisting book or work that is comparable to your project. When you are looking for an agent or publisher for your book they want you to give them a list of comp titles so they know what your target audience is going to be and how best to market it.)

I didn't have any comp titles because I hadn't read anything in years. And years. How could I dream so much about entering the space of authors when I'd neglected that world for so long? That would be like Ariel wishing to walk on land all of her life but never exploring ship wreckage or breaking the surface to talk to Skuttle.

Additionally, I found myself writing in a way that felt repetitive. Why did everything sound the same? Why was I leaning on a handful of descriptors and metaphors? Because I couldn't remember how books were supposed to feel. I believe it was Stephen King who said that the best advice he can give to authors is to read? Well, I knew then that I needed to read.

But I felt intimidated.

I'm not into "spicy" reading, and the only exposure I'd had to the literary space for the past several years was what I occasionally brushed up against online on Booktok. It was hard not to feel like the entire culture around reading had turned into fairy porn while I was away, lol. Which is not bad! But that's not what I want to write about or read. So I was uncertain where I should start. I can't exactly remember what I did, but I an pretty sure I Google something stupid like "best fiction novels of the past 5 years" and decided to start there. I got my hands on Project Hail Mary, Tress of the Emerald Sea, and This Woven Kingdom.

People often use an analogy to express how easy it should be to pick up where you started on a hobby. "It's like riding a bike! You just don't forget!" Well, I've never related to that stupid analogy because it took me forever to learn how to ride a bike, me being an anxious amd clumsy kid, and after I finally figured it out when I was eight, two weeks later I shattered five bones in my foot while tripping over a dog and had to spend the summer in a hard foot cast. By the time I was finally free, I'd completely forgotten how to ride a bike and had to start the whole scary and traumatizing process all over again.

That's kinda how I felt this past year. In a fit of binging, I tore through Project Hail Mary and Tress, and went on to Yumi and The Nightmare Painter and it was so stinking hard! Even though I was obsessed with the story, I still had to put it down for long periods of time and it took me a while to finish it. It wasn't until this past summer when my sister came to visit and suggested I read, of all books, Twilight, that something finally clicked into place.

Okay. I know what you're thinking. Please don't judge. Hear me out.

I've never read Twilight. My sister was obsessed with them when we were girls but I was into other things. But the movies were a regular occurrence in my house and I went with my sister and mom to see all of the movies in theaters (except for Breaking Dawn part 1. I didn't see that one, so when I went with them to see part 2 I was MAD confused the whole time lol)

When my sister came to visit this summer, she wanted to do a Twilight movie marathon and I was all in. The movies remind me of simpler times, and we had a ball watching and laughing as adults with fully developed frontal lobes and a soft spot for nostalgia.

When she left, she told me I needed to read the books so we could better commiserate and I finally folded. I hopped on Thriftbooks (not a sponsor but I ADORE thriftbooks and would love for them to hmu someday lol) and I was able to get all 4 books for like, $20 with one of the sales they put on.

I read the first book and wow. I will withhold my opinion on it for now (you'll understand why later). I didn't want to jump right into the second book, I needed a pallet cleanser. But I was really loving the nostalgic feeling I got from Twilight. It kept me reading so avidly because the story was not intimidating and there was a sense of comfort and familiarity mixed with the newness. So I decided to pursue that line of thinking and read something that would give me the same feeling.

ENTER THE HALO BOOKS.

If you've found my trashy side blog, then you know by now how obsessed I am with the halo video games (CE, 2, 3, ODST, Reach, and Red vs Blue specifically). My sister read a few of the books when we were kids but I never did. I have dyslexia, and it was REALLY bad for me when I was little. It took me until 5th grade to start reading for fun, and I decided as a kid that I didn't want to deal with all of the science stuff in the Halo books when I could be reading about drsgons and wizards and junk.

So I'd never read the books despite my adoration of the games, and the series felt like it would be the perfect mix of nostalgia and intrigue to get me into it.

I was not anticipating the sorrows™️

I read the Fall of Reach and was devastated, of course. But I was obsessed and had to keep going. So I read The Flood next. Also heart wrenching. I needed a break from all the sadness and read New Moon (twilight 2) and once again, mixed with so much nostalgia and frustration with the characters lol.

This brings us up to the present day.

In search of something that wouldn't be so heavy as the Halo books and so infuriating as the Twilight books, I decided to read Interview with the Vampire this past week, with zero context about the content or tone of the book. I chose it simply because I love vampires and the book I'm writing is about a vampire and when researching the best works of fiction about vampires, Anne Rice's works are in the top list of contenders.

I cracked open my Thriftbooks copy of IWTV on Wednesday, and I finished it late last night. I couldn't put it down. I. Am. Obsessed. The prose. The story. The way that it made me uncomfortable at times, the way it totally should, and made me just swoon with how stinking pretty the writing is. I love the introspection, the exploration of morals and purpose. I am going to digress here because the purpose of this blog post is not to review IWTV but suffice it to say, I loved.

I finished reading late last night and felt the feverish need to share my feelings with SOMEONE. obviously I'm a little late in the game for this book though. It came out in the 70s. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to put my thoughts on what I'm reading somewhere. I am an avid journaler, but I give her a play by play as I'm reading. The eloquence of IWTV felt almost like I was reading a book for a literature or philosophy class, it was so gorgeous and explored such themes. So naturally, my train of thought arrived at the conclusion that I needed to write a book report.

That is why I wrote this long blog post. Because I am here to tell you that I am going to start writing little baby book reports on what I read! Because I want to!

So, if you're interested to know what I'm reading these days and how i feel about it, then you're gonna be fed because I'm cooking. I have found more lasting dopamine and joy in reading books this past year than I ever did scrolling or posting on tiktok. I've felt a stronger connection with my sister, mom, and friends as we talk and gush about what I've been reading. I finish a reading session, and I feel like my mind is invigorated, not numb. I'm inspired to imagine and think and create, as opposed to the bitter addiction that scrolling trapped me in that kepy me hungry to consume. Never ending. I can chronical my entertainment with narrative start and finishe, which satisfies and inspired in a way that hours and hours online can never replicate.

If you're looking for a sign to do as I've done, then please consider this it. And consider me an ally along the way, because it was hard. But so so rewarding.

That's all! :) thanks for reading

[buckevantommy]

in primary school (age 10-ish) i remember touch screen technology being the coolest sci-fi thing that was in the near future and i couldn't wait. They soon came out with ipods - which were cool, but not touch screen. In high school folks had indestructible nokia bricks, flip phones, and those keyboard slide phones that looked like mini gaming consoles. i remember the first generation iphone and the first touchscreen ipod around the same time I remember the new (last?) Harry Potter book coming out and lunchtime was weirdly quiet because everyone had their noses in the book wanting to finally read the story but also wanting to finish first. i remember bringing high school assignments into school on floppy disks - we're talking mid 2000s - because usb drives were quite new and too expensive. not many people had touch phones by the time i finished high school but if they did you knew their families were rich. only rich families and tech-loving people had ipads. laptops were still expensive and not something every student had, again just the rich folk and computer science kids. i remember going for walks wearing a certain hoodie/cardigan with a pocket big enough to hold my CD Walkman. i remember walking to my local video rental store - Blockbuster or Video Ezy or that independant place that had the coolest vibes - years before i could drive to rent part 1 of a tv series, season 1 part 1 with the first 4 of 12 episodes in one dvd case. i remember not being allowed to rent ma15+ or r18 movies. i remember having to do battle around the tv at certain times bc different family members wanted to watch different things and we only had one tv - a staticky, bulbous thing, not a flat screen and not a smart tv bc they didn't exist yet - bc there were no streaming services in australia yet - ipads still weren't really an affordable thing yet so people watched dvd movies on desktop computers and laptops and portable dvd players and dvd players plugged into these non-smart tvs. 

i remember finding the workarounds to burn dvds. i remember whittling down playlists to fit music onto burned blank cds. i remember refusing to pay $2.99 for a song on itunes and instead browsing the sales at the local Sanity or JBHIFI store for certain artists compilation albums and unfolding the poster art to pin to my wall or read through the lyrics booklet. i remember the old printers that were slower but didn't rely on wifi and bluetooth and they always worked. i remember the cosmic screech of dial-up noise on the landline phone - yeah the one attached to the wall and with a curly cord connecting the reciever - if someone was using the internet. i remember MySpace and its customisation long before Facebook took on and eventually became the untraversable hellscape it is today. i remember Youtube before the ads. i remember the early days of social media and as everything got good for a while before they all started emulating the censorship shitstain that is Tiktok. i remember playing snake on my Nokia brick and the ringtones made via button tones.

i remember roadtrips of gazing out the window long before parents gave an ipad to each kid in the back seat. i remember bringing physical books on roadtrips and long train trips bc smartphones and ipads didn't exist or, again, were only for the rich families. i remember LayBy being a very grown up thing for people with credit cards (re:parents) long before Afterpay existed. i remember using cash to pay for everything including bus fare when i forgot my paper school pass that lived in that little wallet with the plastic window. i remember using a payphone to call friends and home because i ran out of texting credit. i remember waiting to be picked up from an after school sport of weekend game by a parent with a previously agreed upon time and place bc i didn't have a mobile phone. i remember pocket-sized digital cameras and memory cards. i remember when GoPro became a thing. i remember going somewhere new for the first time and not knowing much about it bc Googling It wasn't always possible - we got our information from stories and visitor brochures bc few places had websites let alone social media pages and you couldn’t look them up online if you were on the road. 

i remember yearning for the near future where personal tech became real and then accessible; but personal tech has brought problems along with its entertainment value and multi-tool features. i remember feeling lonely and broken as a kid and a teenager bc i didn’t have access to online communities; but online is still no replacement for irl social interaction. i remember wishing there was more media for my interests and relatability; and now i’m flooded with choice in numerous streaming services that promote bingeing (fast! now! consume!) while mistreating creators and hoarde content to hoarde gold. i remember wondering how other people lived their lives day-to-day bc i was curious and bc i needed hope that i wasn’t alone but also that it could get better; now social media is raising generations of young people with neurosis to share every day of their lives and training all generations to consume content in fast-paced bite-size pieces as we doomscroll and numb ourselves to irl experiences. 

i remember all of this and i’m 30 fucking 3 years young. 

[pbandjesse]

We are driving back home. The memorial service was thankfully more about supporting each other. I did not cry. If I think about it to hard I might. But I made it through a day that could have been a disaster but worked out because I made it happen. Im only a little proud of that.

I did not sleep great. I fell asleep easier then expected. But woke up with James's alarm and I couldn't fall back asleep. I was anxious about the day. I would get up at 7 when my brother texted me and I had to ask James to handle that while I got ready.

I would feel alright. A little absent of myself. Like I look in the mirror and I'm not connecting to my own eyes. That happens sometimes. But I tried to look good and was happy with my face and hair. The trim I gave myself last night I think helped.

James changed our sheets while I finished getting myself together. Then we hugged and I was off.

I forgot to bring any breakfast and I didn't want to stop anywhere. I also forgot the keys to the art building. But I was not interested in going inside. So I just didn't. I would make it work when I got to camp.

It was a nice drive. And I got there right before 8. And I got to be helpful right away because there was a guy at the bottom of the hill who was lost.

He was there to reseed the field but it was literally his third day and he was a little confused and wasn't given enough info. So I'm glad I was able to help. Once I got parked at the art building I walked down to the office and got Heather on the phone and she told me to send him to the feild. And I was able to help him figure out how to get his truck over there. We walked the feild together and I opened the fence.

While I waited for him to drive around I went to see if we had cake left in the freezer. Which we did so I was excited for breakfast cake. And then I called the doctor's.

They were really nice about it and changed my appointment to 1. So I could stay at camp until 1230. They were really chill about it. Which would be surprising later when I found out that everyone who normally comes on Monday came today because of the holiday (including me) and so they had twice as many patients as normal. And we're training two new injection people. So it was quite a day and I appreciate how kind they were getting my appointment changed.

I would help lawn guy move all the astroturf and collected any sports equipment I could find. And let him know I would be on the porch if he needed anything.

I went down to the office and set myself up at the table. I used my phone's hotspot since I couldn't get on the wifi with the door locked. But that's fine. I ate my, still mostly frozen, cake and worked on my laptop.

I finished tightening up a few things in my lesson plans and making sure the supply list was good to go. I would start making a list of where the tribes were speaking about are on the continent so I could circle that on the different maps. So each program will have a visual for where they are speaking about. Which I think will help them figure out what different natural resources would be available.

Heather would show up around then. She said we need to get me an office key. I'm not to worried about it. I will probably be more worried when it's cold out. Though I was really sweaty and was happy to get some AC.

Heather would help me get on the wifi and showed me how to scan things to my laptop. And then would spend the next hour working on my maps.

Lou, Alexi's dad, would come to talk to Heather about horses. Continues to forget who I am but remembered James. Handsome Jimmy as he call them. We talked about his granddaughter who is maybe going to Temple. For field hockey. So I got to talk about the nice things about philly. That was fun.

I would take a walk to the art building with the extra key. I put away the stuff I brought. And then took a walk to the nature center but it was locked. Heather likes my idea about the snail tank but we need to find the key to the building. Joe probably had it but he wasn't around. Maybe tomorrow I'll figure that out.

Heather would have me start collecting some emails. Which was not as straight forward as I was expecting. But I got some at least. And once I was at a good stopping point me and Heather went on a walk to woodlands.

We would write a list of things that I could work on down there. Painting. Creating. Cleaning. Moving furniture. It was nice to talk through the projects and the spaces. I'm pretty happy about it. But I was also starting to get slightly a little stressed about needing to leave for my appointment.

We would finish up exactly on time though. We got back to the office. Where Elizabeth and Alexi were and I said hello and then goodbye!

I stopped to fill my water and then I drove the 40 minutes to the rhumatologist. I got there 1 minute before my appointment.

Not that it mattered. They had my paperwork at the bottom of the pile, because I'm the last one usually. And they would get me back quick. But I could hear everything. And that's when I heard that they were crazy busy and backed up. So I would have a wait. About 49 minutes. Ah well.

The nice lady came and did my injections though and they hurt a bit today. But it's fine. I was glad it was done. I made my appointment for next month. And was out the door before 2.

I stopped over at the Dunkin and got munchkins to share with James. And then home.

When I got back to the house I was excited that there were packages. The screen protector came for my tablet. And a new dress I ordered. And a book. I found James trying to iron their shirt but the iron wasn't actually on so that was funny.

I got overheated trying to put the screen protector on. But I did my best and it's mostly correct. I'm just glad it's safer now. I was super sweaty though.

So I took a shower. And got dressed again. James made me a bagel. And I had an hour to just sit and calm down before we had to be on the road again.

We left at 345. And it wasn't a bad drive at all. We didn't have to deal with any traffic. We weren't driving directly into the sun. I was anxious but only a little. I brought my knitting and completed one square. We passed Jess's exit and we waved. We arrived in the town at 530.

We went to Wawa for gas. James felt weird that someone pumped our gas. But that's just jersey. And then we went inside and got sandwiches to eat in the car.

I was mostly just focusing on being with my husband. And that I was looking forward to hugging my family. I couldn't handle the other emotions. Those are very deep and I can't focus on them or I'll fall apart.

When we got to the funeral home I was convinced we were in the wrong place. There were a lot of people and I didn't recognize anyone so I was sure I messed up. And then my mom and my brother weren't answering me so I was sure I messed up.

But thankfully Steve would pull up and my parents and Felicia were with him. Everything was alright again.

And it was a lot of people. Sabrina's friends. Audrey's friends. AA people. Bikers. People in memorial sweatshirts. Which the turnaround in having that made was impressive.

We went in the line to see all the pictures of Sabrina. I forgot how dark her hair was when she was younger. Seeing all the pictures of her with friends. She looked so grown up.

Hugging everyone helped. Audrey and Nadine both kept saying thank you to me and James for coming. For driving so long. But honestly the only thing I could say was I wish I didn't have to be here. I wish this didn't happen. But there wasn't a chance I wasn't going to be here. I moved things to make sure I would be. It was important.

There was no service. I am glad. I would have lost it. Instead it was just everyone talking and supporting each other. It was good to be around all the people who loved Sabrina. And I particularly loved talking to my brother and Felicia. And I missed them both and it was just so nice to talk to them. The little moments feel so important. I am very worried how swollen my brother's hands were. He might have an infection from slamming his hand in a door and also poison ivy?? I hope he sees someone.

I also was glad to be with my parents. To talk to my aunt Nadine and uncle Dave who I love so much.

There was a lot of hugging. A lot of laughing. We were being as ridiculous as we normally are when we are all together. The Lentzs don't know how to now start talking about things that are probably not appropriate. We can't stop laughing when it's probably not appropriate. We supported each other by not talking about it but talking about everything else.

I enjoyed hearing about who was who from mom. And I told Nadine they need to come visit us. They went on a not great bus tour through Baltimore so I hope we can give them a better tour soon!!

But then it was time to go. The memorial was slowing down. People were leaving. We had many hugs. Nadine gave me a rose form the large bouquet. Me and Sabrina shared that middle name. I will dry some of the petals. I'll frame them.

Me and James got in the road. And we are about half way home now. I am going to finish my sandwich. And listen to this podcast. And try to just think about the good stuff. I love Sabrina and I will keep her in my thoughts forever.

I hope you are all taking care of yourselves. I love you all. Goodnight my friends. Until next time.

[ourceliumnetwork]

it's been 15 years since i learned my biofamily didn't actually want me around.

I'd gone off for two weeks away to be a counselor in training at a summer camp. The intention was the potentially try and get hired for the full summer the next year, so it was a good trial run to see how i did far away from my support system for a long period of time. I was 17. I had just gone through a really rough breakup right before i'd left, and i'd been dropped off by my mother - our first time being just the two of us for longer than 3 hours since... maybe since my sister had been born, 14 years prior.

I cherished that car ride with my mother. I was really stoked about it and I thought we were having a great time. It's important to note i'd been away from home for a week or so at a time previously. I'd done sleepaway camp and i've never seen my parents get teary-eyed at dropping me off anywhere. They weren't the most emotionally-vulnerable people i already knew, so it didn't surprise me but like. A little regret and pre-missing wouldn't have hurt but like. We didn't do that as a family - that was a thing I felt alone and expressed on my own time. Expressing it to my family just made them make noises of agreement at me and then try and redirect me to how much fun i was about to have - distraction from my pre-homesickness i guess?

About 3-4 days prior to leaving, i'd been unceremoniously dumped in the middle of a documentary, he then made out with me, and then stayed until dinner was ready which took a whole monopoly game, and then STAYED FOR DINNER before leaving immediately afterwards. i was not in a great place emotionally, but my parents hadn't even noticed i'd been broken up with even when i went and sat on the couch and cried during Ghost Adventures because that had been my first ever shot at a romantic relationship and i was convinced i'd blown it. I was 17 and figured i'd lost my one and only shot at being able to get married and have kids and settle down like a Proper Girl is supposed to do. It was a 2 week "relationship", it's okay i was a slightly delusional 17yo as it was, not to mention all the patriarchy and religious crap i'd absorbed, on top of the worship of capitalism's ballsack.

this is to set the stage for how those two weeks away from everyone i knew would go.

i had a phone with one of those slide-out keyboards (this was just slightly before smartphones took off), and that was my ONLY connection to the outside world. I could technically access facebook, but the wifi in the dorms we were staying in were spotty. I didn't have money for food outside of what was provided during when the campers were on site. So on the weekend between sessions I was surviving off of poptarts from the vending machine while EVERYONE ELSE went to a waterpark together.

including the other counselor in training.

I was EXTREMELY alone for those two weeks.

I was very excited for my time away from home to be done. I wanted to go back to my room, i wanted to be in my space and talk to my friends on my computer because that was the only place i had friends. I wanted my mommy who'd left me there two weeks ago to come back and pick me up and hold me and tell me i existed and was worthy of love. I wanted my dad to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay and that it wasn't my last shot at happiness.

I was the last to be picked up. I was so excited I rushed out on my bad knee, sprinting towards them and launched myself into their arms.

They weren't ready, and quickly disengaged from the hug, teased me for being so excited, teased me for the tears I was feeling well up. Teased me for a speech pattern i didn't know i had but they'd picked up was from me in the interim time and were doing it with sly smiles and joking nudges back and forth for a LONG while before they clued me in on why they were doing that. like. Possibly not until after our lunch.

and I learned i wasn't wanted. I was a joke to my whole family. They talk about me negatively behind my back. And only negatively. They didn't miss me except the ways they could make fun of me.

I'd been gone for two weeks with no money and no support. I came back and nothing changed from that status quo for a while.

I never got hired at that camp the next year. When my application was rejected it hurt, but i also couldn't fathom going away from a summer to be rejected by my peers again and then come home to people who gave zero shits about me.

The next year I went many states away to live with my mom's cousin as a live-in nanny and do an internship at a graphic design company. I had money and more support and love in Louisiana than I'd ever found in Virginia. I never wanted to leave, but i'd already been signed up for classes at the local community college that next year back home, so I had to go back.

My parents weren't even in town to come pick me up from the train station. It was my sister and my Nana who came and got me and they were both irritated by the drive and the wait. No one was excited that I was home again.

I didn't feel missed upon coming back home until I was living with my big-E Ex and i'd gone off to be a counselor at the new camp I'd finally found friends in - it was my third or fourth year, but the first with us living together. I can speculate the actual reasons why he missed me, but the fact of the matter was that he wrapped me up in his arms when i came back and said it hadn't been the same when I was gone.

I didn't have someone miss me like that again after I left him until I met my current partner and we started talking in 2020. I moved away from Virginia to Michigan two years later to join them up here, and my parents didn't care about anything in my life until i wasn't in the same state anymore. they barely cared now that i was out, but it was enough to throw me for a loop.

Where was this interest and need to know how i was doing 15 years ago? where were you? If I'd missed you and you came to visit me and I'd run up to launch myself into your arms, would you have caught me? would you have cried? would you have held me until you absolutely had to let go because you had to go?

they wouldn't have. because it wasn't about me. they didn't miss me. they wanted to look like Good Parents. and by that point, almost 15 years later, I was done.

It's been almost a year since I cut them off more or less successfully. there was a brief allowance of breakage in the no-contact rule for my grandfather passing earlier this summer. I'm.. still working through that fucked up relationship and my feelings about it, but that's not the point. I don't think they'd be excited or happy to see me, because they never were. I don't think it's changed. I think i could be gone for ten years and they'd never miss me.

I think they think they do. but they just miss knowing what to talk about behind my back.