#and everyone knows about the biggest YouTubers from back then even if they didn't actively watch them

[farawayfromthemoon]

cmon Berlin you can do better 🥲

[boyfhee]

⋆ NOW WE DATE ! · psh

CHAPTER SEVEN · ruin our friendship

SYNOPSIS · everyone knew you were sunghoon's biggest fan— or so you claimed to be— it didn't take a scientist to guess after your nonstop gushing about him during enhypen's debut. now, they didn't know you found him 'so babygirl' not until you accidentally tweeted it on your main.

warnings · food mentions + written part under the cut ( 1.02k )

the weverse live went smoother than expected. 

well, it’s not like you had been anticipating some sort of commotion or whatsoever, but you did expect random bouts of awkwardness every ten to fifteen minutes because first, both you and sunghoon lie slightly towards the introvert side of the myers-briggs type indicator; and second, you both are aware of everything that has went down between the two of you in past two to three days. moreover, being awkward is natural when you’re meeting someone for the first time— which is not exactly true because you did meet sunghoon at the backstage of music bank from nine months ago when iris and enhypen were promoting their respective albums, but if greeting each other in hallways counts as meeting people then you probably have already met three-fourth of the industry. 

“i kind of imagined you as someone who prefers vanilla or something, instead of chocolate,” and you certainly didn’t expect sunghoon to take you out of ice cream just three hours before midnight. 

“i like all the flavours but nothing tops chocolate,” you say before eating another spoonful from your cup. “i even did a commercial for melona as a kid, although it’s not chocolate. you can still find it on youtube, i guess,” singing wasn’t really your forte, unlike acting. you’ve had quite an active childhood from the ‘job’ point of you, for you always had a few commercial shoots here and there every few months. your career as an actress didn’t blow up until after you had debuted in iris. even as a childhood actress, you only had minor to second lead roles except one in ‘crushed,’ which accounts for your first main role and also is the drama that brought you into the spotlight before debut. 

you feel sunghoon smile as he unlocks his phone to switch to another playlist— it’s for both of you since one of his’ airpods is with you and listening to music while having ice cream sounds like a perfect date, as friends, of course. though, you’d be lying if you claim your heart didn’t do a little something when sunghoon offered you his airpods. “why did you ask me to get ice cream with you, though?” 

“i just wanted to spend some time with you,” a pause. you stop on your way, albeit a few steps ahead of him, turning around to look at sunghoon’s flustered face that was adorned by the dim streetlights. a series of silence follows, a string of fluttering gazes along with heartbeats that could be heard clearly if they get any louder. before you could say anything, sunghoon stuffs his phone back into his pocket out of panic. “wait— don’t get me wrong. i mean, you’re cool and fun to be around so, you know— please don’t misunderstand,” 

and a soft chuckle falls off your lips. “jeez, hoon, you’re all good,”

the comforting silence never leaves, it’s rather amusing to the two of you. considering everything that has happened so far, from your silly tweet to him assuming you’re dating jaemin and everything that he ends up blabbering in front of you, anyone would end up getting awkward. fortunately, that isn’t the case for him. perhaps, the heavens are on his side, and maybe that is all he needs to muster up the courage to say his next words. “to be completely honest, ice cream was an excuse because i was sort of hoping we’d get to know each other better,” 

“yeah, i’d love that,” your voice isn’t much louder than a whisper, but you know your words reached him anyway. the smile dancing on his face holds numerous tales, if one could notice closely. “by the way, you still didn’t tell me the thing that could potentially ruin our friendship,” 

“i did, didn’t i? i texted you,” 

“and you want me to believe that?” you scoff, remembering his response. even if it was supposed to be a coverup, you did find yourself too stunned to react at that moment. “i mean, i won’t judge you for the things you like to be called and all, but we both know what you said back then was a lie,” 

another pause, another session of silence trailing around along with the slight tension lingering in the air. you look at sunghoon and he’s looking anywhere but at you. one second, his eyes are on the ground. the next, they’re traversing places with his lips pressed into a thin line. it’s when you realise how difficult it is to read his expression, an exasperated sigh falls off his lips. “okay, i think i’m being annoying, so i won’t force you, even though i’m—”

“you’re not annoying. also, i don’t think i’m ready to tell you so wait for me till then, and i promise i’ll tell you when the right time comes,” and it’s embarrassing how easily his words can fluster you. “besides, i don’t want to ruin our friendship yet,” even if you think you have a faint idea of what he might be hiding, you’d dare not get ahead of yourself because at the end of day, you and sunghoon are just friends. sure, you do like him a little more than friends but you’re almost convinced that it’s just a silly little celebrity crush. it’s not the first time you’re fawning over a celebrity, even if it’s your first time being so crazily interested in someone, but you like to think it’s a stage between strangers and friends, and nothing more. 

“oh, by the way, um, there’s ice cream on your lips,” he points the corner of his mouth with his index finger, hoping it would give you an idea, but when you miss the spot after a couple of attempts, assorting to your phone’s front camera to get a clearer look, sunghoon finds himself taking the tissue from your hand, proceeding to wipe the ice cream off your lips himself, completely and terribly unable to hide the blush on his cheeks. and the moment you tried to tell yourself that you aren’t in love, is when you realised you already were. 

PREV · NEXT · MASTERLIST

n : need me a sunghoon, like rn .... also visgenes...visions + engene....iris and vision? yk u see w ur iris and ability to see is vision do u see the vision here bc that's the best i could come up with

[kinniie00]

HEY BUDDY :D !!! lion, maine coon, american shorthair, tiger, cougar, and fishing cat !!

HIIII!!! 👾

This is so many omg

Lion - I'm probably most proud of how far I've come over the last few years, I went through a lot and am still learning to live with some of it. It's definitely shaped a bit of who I am now, but I'd like to think I have grown from it and carried it with me rather than living in that dump forever :) AND MY FRIENDS IM SO SO SO PROUD OF THEM AND HOW MUCH THEY'VE DONE AND I WISH THE BEST FOR ALL OF YOU :((

Maine Coon - Honestly I'm not too sure how others would describe me, or even how to encapsulate my personality into one word--I'd like to say I'm energetic but I also have my moments of not being as much, I'm nice but I know I can be a bitch, I'm a lot of things but I'm really unsure of what word could describe me, plus I don't remember any good descriptive words rn :') (I'm so tired)

American Shorthair - I have many things that comfort me, id say my friends are my biggest comfort, as cheesy as it is. My friends remind me I'm not alone and have reasons to keep going, even when it feels impossible. I also often tend to latch onto games and streamers/YouTubers for comfort (a big one is hermitcraft!! :D), many of the people I watch now are people who practically raised me and I love them dearly. Another few smaller things that I find help comfort me are things like music, tea, or small things like animals (my cat!!!) or stuffed animals :3

Tiger - Another one that I'm not entirely sure how to answer :( "Being cute and being mine" -☀️ I think I went through the 5 stages of grief trying to come up with something that's all you're getting, oh yeah and my worst is probably the fact that I'm indecisive or like impulsive idk

Cougar - Hehehe fandoms 😇 Definitely undertale, fnaf, and sanders sides in the later years. I was (unfortunately) an aphmau kid back in 2015 but that was more watching her content and less fandom stuff. The undertale and fnaf ones definitely didn't ever stop, I got really into sans aus back during covid and relied on all three of those fandoms for comfort during the quarantine too. Sanders sides definitely helped me over the years before and during covid, it was definitely a rough time in my life as I was learning new things about myself and others around me, and it helped me so much with learning how to be me and accept myself as I am. As for a fandom I'm really active in now, id say the one I'm most active in is Hermitcraft (so surprising!!! 🙀) I got super into it back in season 6 when grian joined because I watched his content before he joined, and now I watch most of the hermits, I do tend to focus on a few each season while watching the occasional stream/video from the others though! I also listen to the imp & skizz podcast, and I find it rather comforting when I'm stressed, I love the hermits so much and they've definitely helped me so much without even knowing :) (and the fandom is so silly I love everyone)

Fishing Cat - I have so many I'm definitely going to forget some, I love learning new things and it's led to many hobbies that I do and will probably get back into in the future! :) I do crochet, it's something I have been learning since I was really young but couldn't get the hang of it for the longest time because my mom had a hard time teaching me it since she's left handed, I love reading, I read all kinds of things from old novels & poetry, romance and mystery, to nonfiction and sci-fi, I enjoy reading anything as long as it can keep my interest, and I loveee getting reccomended books (even though my to-be-read list is SO long), I like small crafts like jewelry making but it hurts my hands (especially the more intricate ones like fancy necklaces, bracelets, earrings), i love gaming, its a big part of who I am seeing as I grew up doing it, and even though i dont it as much anymore I still enjoy it and love playing games with my friends!! I enjoy drawing, but it's stressful because I'm not great at it and am way too perfectionistic over it. I used to paint but I never got too good at it and never had proper supplies, it was very fun though and I'd definitely get back into it sometime down the line. I listen to a lot of music, and watch youtubers/streamers. I like to go on walks, but with some of my health issues I don't go on them as often (I definitely will do more this summer though!!) and hanging out with my friends and animals. I plan on getting into sewing and possibly cosplay sometime so that will be fun to learn! I love creative hobbies, despite how stressful they can be when they don't go how I wanted it to :) I love seeing things I'm able to make evolve and get better and I get better at doing it, and I love consuming information and seeing people be people!!

I'm so sorry this is a lot of yapping even for me 😭

[lexsang]

Could you recommend sources about sanguinarian vampirism? I tried to look for it but most recommend books seem to be published by sketchy/charlatan authors and it makes doubtful if they are genuine or not (besides some of them have very prejudiced views towards sang).

Videos, podcasts, articles, sites or books are all welcome recommendations and I would be very grateful if you had them.

Thank you very much!

(Sorry for how long it took for me to get back to you, the past few weeks have been hectic to say the least, but I've been thinkin about this ask since you sent it) My main issue with the vast majority of content on sanguinarian vampirism out there is that it is made by people who are just interested in vampires, and have no actual experience living through the things we live through. They often times come off as halloween-spooky, and inauthentic, with an emphasis on shock factor for an audience that doesn't understand that we really do actually exist.

Books are definitely not the place to look from my experience if you're interested in learning about sanguinarian vampirism. They are one of the best places if you're wanting to learn about psychic vampirism or vampiric witchcraft, but they're not for the blood drinkers.

Videos can be good learning material, but I haven't seen any on sanguinarianism that aren't just people talking about their experiences in the community, and it can get fairly full of unnecessary drama and zero useful info quick. I used to watch videos from the creator below, though I personally didn't get much out of them, but that may not be the case for you. Most of the videos are on psychic vampirism, but there are a few on sanguinarianism if I'm remembering correctly.

With Podcasts, I'm sure there are a number of one offs on paranormal podcasts if you look hard enough, but the time is most likely not worth it. The link below is one of the best I have seen, a series of great interviews with real vampires (I was lucky enough to be one of them, though that's not why I suggest this series), and the second is a youtube channel called Coffin Lounge (I would link, but youtube is being weird), which could be good, but I don't now yet. I have only listened to a little bit of the first episode, and it is more goth community centered than vamp, but there may be good stuff since since each episode is with a new guest.

Sites are the best bet so far, with forums being one of the best places to look imo.

Sanguinarius.org and their connected forum, VCMB.org were where I first realized I wasn't alone, and wasn't crazy. The biggest benefit of forums like this one, is that you are, without a doubt, listening to real people's experience, and seeing real vamps figure it out for themselves. There is so much information in the VCMB, even though it isn't very active anymore, the experiences are still there.

theredcellar.com has also been a personal favourite for ages. It is full of plenty of articles that focus on the medsang perspective, and it is home to some really down to earth vamps who are all wonderful. They also have a forum, as well as a discord that is linked on their site.

The absolute best teachers, however, are just regular old vampires. You will learn more in a few hours than you could hope to learn in months from articles and the sporadic info online by sending someone a message and asking if they have the capacity to answer your questions. Whether you are an awakening vamp looking for advice, or just interested in the real, visceral experience that vampires live through, most are kind and willing to share. Everyone's experience is different, and speaking to multiple people will help you realize just how colourful and varied the world of vampirism is.

And if you are a vampire, I know that this is cliché, but experience is a great teacher. So much of vampirism, from what I've seen and experienced myself, is about trying to run away from the vampiric experience, and be as human as possible. It has stopped being about that for me. Manage your health of course, and don't go without feeding for too long if you can help it. Take the substitutes you need to take to control the beast when you need to take them, but feeling those cravings instead of fleeing from them is a great way to become more familiar with vampirism. No one will be able to tell you more about your vampirism than yourself. Learn to meditate in those moments of hunger. You are a vampire, it's ok to allow yourself to be just that from time to time.

I hope this was helpful! Please feel free to ask if you have any more questions, I'm more than happy to help if you feel that I can :)

[mintmoth]

Hi! I'm a super big fan of your art, everything is so pretty and amazing and I just wanna consume it every time I see one of your comics or illustrations. I just wanted to ask (cause I looked around a lil but didn't see anything covering this, if I missed it so sorry haha) what art program/tablet do you use to draw? Also, do you have any tips for beginning artists? I'm trying to get into drawing but I'm not too sure where to start TwT

AAAAA 😭😭 you're too sweet!! Thank you so much!

Also omg personally I use an iPad with the program/app procreate on it to draw!

I'm gonna put everything else under a read more since I got a little wordy oops

Honestly if I were to offer any beginning artist tips I think the biggest one is to just have fun. I know it sounds silly but really like just have fun and don't worry about what you're drawing being perfect or exactly what you had in mind or anything like that. As long as you're having fun and doing your best and not stressing about what you're creating you'll find yourself wanting to draw and create more- and it's within time and persistence that your skills develop

Also while it's good to draw every day since you do need to actively draw more to improve, don't stress about making sure you do! Just go at your own pace and draw when you feel like it!

I think I stress both of these points since they're things I've been working on and struggling with off and on too, realizing I don't have to be constantly drawing and that what I do draw doesn't have to be perfect, and honestly my comics have been a great exercise in letting myself make things "imperfect"

Relating to actual drawing skill sets, I do think that doing figure drawing is incredibly important since learning anatomy is crucial to drawing, even if it's not the most fun thing. Really if you see someone in a cool pose- typically real life photos- if you just try to see the shapes the human body makes and just loosely sketch a messy version of where their body shapes are can help. You don't have to break them down super basically like some tutorials do, unless that helps you! Everyone draws differently so there's no Right Way to do anything. Here's some examples from some I did a while back! I used highlighters since it made it so I couldn't erase, so I had to be more purposeful in my lines, but you can use any medium you want!

And don't worry if it doesn't look exactly like the photo you're drawing from- you're learning!

Another thing is that references are your friend, looking at things and figuring out how to draw them is incredibly helpful so don't be afraid to look up anything you're trying to draw for help

Something I used to do specifically for learning, was looking at photos or even pieces of art I thought were cool and then trying to draw something how I saw it, to understand someone else's use of shape and form. These were things I kept in sketchbooks to just figure out how to draw things like hands and feet and legs, using real life and other's works as a reference to teach myself

Then later while drawing on my own, if I couldn't figure out how to draw something I would go back to my own references and practices to help myself by using my own referenced art as a reference- here's a whole page of hands I drew a couple years ago while looking at photos of hands and also some art (uhhh I believe it was from GinjaNinjaOwO on youtube- if you DO post anything you've referenced poses or elements from, be sure to credit the original artist you've taken reference from!)

You can see I've got a lot of mistakes and scribbles and wonky forms- because I was just trying to understand the shapes and practice drawing hands on my own time, this wasn't anything I had ever drawn with the intention of posting lmao

But! You can do this for any kind of thing you're trying to learn, from arms to facial shapes to hands- just learning what kind of shapes and forms bodies or anything else you're trying to draw take

As far as the side of what kind of stuff to USE to draw, really I'd say to not be afraid of pencil and paper, I know digital art can have a nice and clean polish to it, but especially if you're learning it's really nice to just have a sketchbook (any kind work, just find paper you like! I've been using dot grid notebooks lately!) and a pencil or pen or really anything you feel comfortable with, that you can just loosely draw with and use whenever you like

For digital hardware while I do LOVE the iPad, I know they're pricier and not everyone jives with them, so I'd recommend drawing tablets by the brand Huion, since I've had a great time with them in the past when I used my laptop with Paint Tool Sai, which I also highly recommend as a drawing program, but keep in mind you can use anything! I have a friend who makes AMAZING works just using mspaint lmao

Honestly! In the end, like I said, just focus on having fun and drawing things that you want to without worry for being perfect or 100% anatomically accurate or anything. There's fundamentals that are the best base to build off of but never stress too much about it. Have fun creating! 💙💜

[claudemblems]

People on AO3 and YouTube and Discord have been giving me so much love and support lately that my heart just wants to explode??? Genuinely it blows my mind how kind people are even to someone they've never met 🥺 They go above and beyond to help and encourage me and it makes me emotional 😭

I was talking in my discord about how I'm struggling financially and that's why I'm trying to get monetized on YouTube (I just wanted to let everyone know the reason why. I feel like it's good to be transparent with your audience) and one of my subs gave me $21 😭 I legit started crying. I didn't even ask, he just said he enjoys my content and my community I've built. This is the biggest donation I've received so far. I cried KDNKSNSKSBS

And the reason I've been a little less active on here is because I'm working hard to hit the 500 YT sub milestone since you can now get memberships earlier. I've got about 64 more subs to go so I'm pulling all the stops to get people to sub! I'm posting 3 times a week, I made a discord server, and I'm streaming.

Finding a regular job has just been discouraging and I suffer from so much anxiety that I wouldn't be a good fit for the jobs in my area. For now I'm focusing on getting memberships and I'm considering going back to school, at least so I can get some financial aid. I'm still keeping an eye on internships and remote work tho (stop rejecting me for having no experience 😭)

But yeah! I still want to write but I'm posting three times a week to YT rn so I haven't really felt relaxed enough to write things 😓 BUT I'm working on more parts of my Azul fic because I got comments on AO3 of people looking forward to more chapters :3

That was long-winded, but I wanted to share my excitement and why I'm not on here 24/7 like usual LOL. I hope I can learn to balance doing both writing and content creation 🥰

[harborpointeblvd]

I Watched Every GMMTV BL Series part 3/?

2016/2017 2018

2020

2019 feels like a turning point. Like, this was the year they decided to try making good series. I know I didn't have great things to say about the older series, but I generally go into a series wanting to like it and I tend to be pretty forgiving.

FYI, I know some of these names have multiple spellings. I'm just using whatever spelling was used in the subtitles on YouTube.

He’s Coming to Me - 2019

After dying on his twenty-second birthday, Med (Singto Prachaya) remains as a ghost in the cemetery. He relives his death every night in his dreams, but can’t recall any of his life. After many years with no human visitors, Med is visited by a boy named Thun who can seemingly see and hear him. Years later, Thun returns as a university student (Ohm Pawat), and proposes that Med live with him so they can solve the mystery of Med’s untimely death.

This drama was so close to being perfect. Ohm gave a great performance. Singto was so much better in this than in SOTUS. It had a healthy balance of drama and comedy, without the drama ever feeling forced. I just felt a little let down by the ending. Spoilers ahead.

So, I was fully prepared for a sad ending. And as much as I love a happy ending, this was a rare case where I felt like a sad ending would have been better. Giving this impossible romance a miracle happy ending felt like a copout. It felt like fanservice. Like they set out to tell a new and interesting story, but didn’t have the guts to disappoint anyone with a sad ending. And then I'm the one left to grapple with the logistics of dating a ghost. But my biggest problem with the ending was that they fucking solved the mystery behind Med’s death and then just forgave his murderer who has been living free of consequences for twenty years and absolutely no one has a problem with it.

Not even trying not to look like a lunatic.

Theory of Love - 2019

Third (Gun Atthaphan) and Khai (Off Jumpol) are third year film majors in university and best friends. Third has harbored secret feelings for Khai for three years, but Khai is a serial dater and (supposedly) straight. Khai constantly takes advantage of Third’s loyalty, unaware of his true feelings. After repeatedly having his feelings hurt by Khai, Third decides to get over him once and for all. But when Third tries to take a step back, suddenly Khai is ready to take a step forward.

I think…I liked this series? I mean, like, I was ready to throw hands every 40 seconds, but that means I was invested, right? I liked Third, but he’s such a pushover I wanted to strangle him. Gun is an excellent actor, but just because he can cry on command doesn’t mean I want to see him do it for twelve episodes straight. Khai is an asshole, not just as a love interest, but as a friend. I don’t think I’ve ever actively rooted against a male lead so hard. The side pairings are kind of forgettable.

Anyways, Third mentions the movie Flipped several times, and despite having seen the movie and loving the book as a kid, it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that this series is just doing Flipped. I have to say, I’m a sucker for the unrequited love switcheroo premise. Which is probably why I like Theory of Love maybe more than it deserves. But I'm not as bad as Third, whose favorite movie is Flipped.

Me trying to get through all these shows.

Dark Blue Kiss - 2019

A sequel to Kiss Me Again (2018), following Pete (Tay Tawan) and Kao (New Thitipoom). After three years together, their relationship is still a secret from almost everyone, including Kao’s mother. This causes insecurity in Pete, especially after Kao starts to tutor his mom’s boss’s son, Non (AJ Chayapol). Torn between helping his mom and placating his boyfriend, Kao decides to continue tutoring Non in secret.

It’s hard to explain, but the way this drama tiptoed over that line into overdramatic hit an angsty sweet-spot for me in a way these dramas rarely do. I’m gonna mark this one down as a guilty pleasure, because despite Pete being an absolute red flag, I loved this series. It was hard to watch Kao dig himself into a hole, but it’s easy to see why he did, because Pete is completely unreasonable from the start. And why, because he felt threatened by some baby-faced high school kid? AJ looks like a toddler in this series. A seven foot toddler who I want to punch in the mouth, but a toddler nonetheless.

Minor spoiler here, Non’s ending felt unresolved. As much as I hated that little punk, seeing him being dragged off by his abusive, homophobic dad was not in any way satisfying.

I am happy to report that you do not need to watch Kiss Me Again to follow this series. It was good to see the whole group of college friends return, since they were one of the few parts of that series I enjoyed. The side pair is also two returning characters from Kiss Me Again. If you tend to like side pairs, you’ll probably like them, but I’m generally indifferent to side pairs, so they were fine.

*dramatic violin*

Soulmate - The One. Like he was created for me, specifically. Sugar Daddy - He may not have it all, but he knows how to spoil me. Friend With Benefits - Despite my better judgment, I went and caught feelings. Second Lead - All my friends love him, but I don’t feel the spark. Overeager Pursuer - Tries to be cute but just gets on my nerves. Vindictive Ex - It’s like he’s punishing me for knowing I could do better. Love Rival - Literally what did I do to deserve this? -

[creepy--claws]

[● Tales from today

I missed my least favorite class huzzah fuck art class so much

The entire point is to learn about shit, but we were not taught fucking ANYTHING about watercolor beforehand omfg.

So yippee fuck that class to hell and back I don't like it at all.

I managed to get to auto somehow (power of speed) and somehow within 20 minutes, so much bullshit went down

We got:

My friends found this big ass tire outside with oil in it and told me to get in. If there wasn't a shit ton of oil, yes I would have, but it was like. Filled with oil. And then I recieve my daily dose of hugs when suddenly I AM LIFTED INTO THE FUCKING AIR AAAAAAAA

This is the ultimate betrayal, anyways

The broom we use all the time to do things around here turns out to be taller than me. Luckily, we can fix that in 2 seconds with a saw.

History was fun today, I learned about an event that killed a bunch of people and was not tied to the activity at all lmao. And then English comes and I didn't know we had to be in a different class so thank goodness we figured that out just in the nick of time

My English teacher took pity on us because we had this big ass test to do, which is why I missed first period, and we get to just chill. I decided to waste my time watching Devil May Cry related shit on YouTube when suddenly everyone has collectively decided to play among us.

Now here is where I start having a breakdown

1: Someone turns to me and says "hey you should play Among Us with us" because he noticed that I wasn't playing along with them. I declined because I'm not the biggest fan of the sussy imposter game tbh, but that got me to be l Iike "Huh. I suddenly don't feel like being alone." So I get up and decide to talk to my teacher who is really epic and cool and awesome.

2: She tells me that apparently there are people who want to work with me but don't think I want to work with them. Now here's the thing. I present myself as dark as I can and close myself off because tragic anime backstory reasons (trauma) so people don't bully me. NOW THAT MIGHT HAVE WORKED A LITTLE TOO WELL AND NOW I REALIZE THAT PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO BULLY ME LIKE THEY DID IN 2017 SO THAT GOT TO ME EMOTIONALLY-

3: Every Wednesday (except for today because she had things to do) my English teacher has these cool meetups at break where people can come and hang out and talk to each other, and 2 of my friends from auto actually go there. I state that I might attend and my teacher says "Yes, please come next Wednesday if you can, we want you there"

I am gonna cry how is this possible

I have spent a majority of my life either being mistreated or left on my own, and I developed into this stone hearted bitch who is like "I am better off alone, eventually all my bonds are bound to break and I will end up walking this world alone again. It's better to be on your own than tormented by those who surround you." NOW I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THAT PLAN-

LlIke yes I have small groups of friends, but I felt like those friendships would wither away eventually. Soon I would continue my path alone and simply brush off anything I felt about the people who have since left me like I usually do, but after that one period today. Maybe life doesn't always have to be so dark. Maybe my friends don't want to simply leave out of nowhere one day. Maybe my friends are actually my friends this time, and not just here for a small time before they leave again.

Yes this sounds dramatic as fuck but like. When you've lived my life of being socially outcasted or mistreated by people you thought you could trust, of course being hit with the realization that you don't have to keep being alone is going to get to you. Of course this is real life and I won't just change in the blink of an eye and suddenly be more outwardly to everyone. I will have to develop into doing that, but even then, I think I'm gonna keep being a little more reserved, but I will try to be less intimidating to others. I can't read people's minds, so I always assume the worst of what people think, but I've come to realize that not every smile is a smile of mockery. Sometimes people are just nice.]

[enhypia]

JS ; exes

exes answers questions with the choice of drinking instead of answering

pairings: park jongseong x gn!reader

genre: angst, mild fluff

words: roughly 1.7k

masterlist ⸺ series masterlist

~guides and warnings~

italics - reader speaking

bold - jay speaking

[enclosed] - interviewer speaking

italicized bold - both reader and jay speaking

[enclosed bold or italics] - question (depends on who's speaking)

heavily inspired by: rec.create lie detector games, cut truth or drink

warning: contains and mentions of !!! drinking, swearing, neglect, breaking up

i don't promote underage drinking, save your livers

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

hello, i'm (y/n)

and i'm jay

we're (awkward eye contact)

uhh we're exes

[you guys were invited here today as exes for a fun little drinking game, you guys were aware of that right?]

yes

yup

*interviewer shuffles awkwardly

sorry it's just, our friends were the ones who signed up for us

yeah, we just found out about it three days ago

[but are you guys still okay with doing this?]

we're okay

just give us a few minutes to get used to environment

*(y/n) chuckles

[okay, for this game, questions will be asked and if you refuse to answer, you drink, it's that simple. are you guys ready? should we start?]

*jay nods

ready as i'll ever be

[how long were you guys together?]

we were together for almost 3 years

[how long have you guys been broken up?]

about a year and a half now

[who broke up with who?]

i did they did

[why did you break up with him?]

so this was all a year and a half ago okay? no coming for jay, he's grown, we've grown

thanks?

you're welcome

*jay laughs

uhh.. it just really reached a point where i felt neglected in a way? and it was just tiring? i kept thinking 'do i deserve this treatment?' and i hated that i was doubting everything, including his feelings. so i just said let's talk about it and then yeah we split up

*jay drinks and (y/n) laughs

sorry sorry

nah i just needed that

[okay, how about we officially start the q&a portion between the of you now?]

*both nod and played rock paper and scissors to determine who gets to ask first, jay wins

*he picks up a card and facepalms after seeing the question

goddamn

should i be scared?

not sure, but you might opt to drink though

[do you blame me for what happened to us?]

oh my god *(y/n) laughs

i know right

so we're unpacking emotions today? okay noted

you can just drink if you're not comfortable with it

i'll drink but i'll still answer, might ease your mind no?

*jay couldn't stop his head from nodding

*(y/n) drinks

i admit that i blamed you at first, but then i got to thinking that it wasn't just you, i was also at fault too since i never really vocalized what i felt? i just let it build up until it reached the point where you couldn't do anything about it anymore, and i couldn't too.

yeah but it's more of my fault since i felt something was wrong but i just brushed it off, i brushed you off.

....

shot?

*jay smiles slightly and both raised their glasses to cheers before drinking

we were both at fault and i don't blame you, jay. i hope you stop blaming yourself

*(y/n) smiles softly then picks up a card to stop any reply they might get from jay

god why are these questions so heavy? it wasn't like this from other episodes

*jay and crew laugh

okay, hit me

[what's your biggest regret about our relationship?]

what the fuck

SEE ?!

*both laugh and jay drinks

okay, next question

no, i'm answering

[we won't stop you but just reminding you both that it's okay not to answer if you drink]

the alcohol releases the unhinged-ness

in other words, this is really just us using the alcohol to actually say what we feel

i think you already the answer, and it's that i didn't do anything about us even if i felt something was wrong. i just kept on focusing on my career that i reached a point where i brushed everything off as nothing. and in the end, while i got the success i wanted, somehow i also feel like i'm on the losing end really.

*(y/n) drinks making jay laugh

what? it's my first time hearing all this !

it was a rough break so

omg is this our closure ???

*jay's eyes widened

and it's filmed ?!?!

*everyone laughs

couple goals *(y/n) does a hashtag

oh wait *(y/n) looks at jay

exes goals *both do a hashtag pose

*they laugh, ignoring the sting in their hearts

okay, okay moving on

*jay laughs again

is it a heavy one again?

nope

[do your friends hate me?]

*(y/n) bursts out laughing

please 😭

we have the same friends

we share a lot of mutual friends

that's why there was like tension for a month in the friend group because no one knew what to do

i'm sorry you had to endure all that friends

remember when they literally made an organized schedule to hang out where we wouldn't see each since the break up was still fresh?

yeah like i got heeseung on tuesdays

and i got him on thursdays

😭😭😭

we love them though, they did their best to console us both

thanks guys <33

*(y/n) picks up a card

goddammit

[do you think we could've actually worked out our problems?]

i think it's unfair that i get a lot of heavy questions

i have the power of god and anime on my side today

i think we could've, if i just had taken the actual time to reflect and sit down and talk, we could've worked it out.

*(y/n) slaps jay's arm

i told you, stop blaming yourself

k

*(y/n) rolls their eyes

*jay picks up a card and

oh

what?

*he is stuttering guys, he is fidgeting

[do you wish we were still together?]

oh

yeah

.....

*both drink

i mean-

*jay has been paralyzed, he did not expect (y/n) to answer

i'm happy where i am right now, maybe there are moments of weakness that the thought crosses my mind but i don't dwell on it too much. i think we're both still learning and growing.

*jay doesn't want to think about the fact that (y/n) never said a clear yes or no

*(y/n) picks up a card and groans

please just drink to this

why?

[what do you think of me now?]

....

drink.

no?

why?

because-

why?

i'm answering

why?

i want to?

no.

right now i'm just really proud of you.

*WORLD PAUSE, (y/n) is malfunctioning

it's a little sad that i didn't get to witness a lot of it but i promise i watched from afar and i'm so proud of you. like it makes me feel lighter in a way? knowing that you're still going and pursuing your dreams. it just made me at ease that -

*(y/n) drinks, looking very much like snow white's apples

are you blushing?

jay i will kick you

*he laughs and pinches (y/n) cheeks making them redder, (y/n) slaps his hands away

i won't hesitate bitch

how about you huh?

[what do you think of me now?]

*jay you should know not to tease too much or else it'll bite you back

i think you're absolutely amazing.

*jay could only blame himself

i am in constant awe and there's this pride that i have in me whenever i see you thriving. it's weird because i thought i'd be bitter about it, but since i knew of your goals and how passionate you were, all i felt was pride. it did hurt a little that i couldn't go "that's my baby!" anymore.

*alert! jay's ears are red and it's spreading to his cheeks and neck

okay next question!

*he quickly picks up a card making (y/n) burst out laughing

everything i said was true though.

hajima. stop. pause. i'm not listening

*(y/n) laughs at flustered jay

this is the last one.

[question for both: if you could tell me anything, what would you say?]

sheesh

same

rock paper scissors? loser goes first

*jay wins

*(y/n) drinks

can you turn around for this one, like don't look at me.

*jay followed

i want to say that,,,, that it's not your fault for putting your future first. it kind of stung since you made me feel like i wasn't a part of it but i know that wasn't your intention. i understand your actions and i don't blame you. if i was in your position i probably would've been the same. i'm sorry that i didn't try harder, like you said we could've made it work but i just got so tired, i hope you can forgive me for that as well.

okay i'm turning around as well, your turn

*(y/n)'s eyes are glassy, but jay doesn't need to see that

i want to say that i'm sorry for neglecting you. i feel like you're tired of me saying sorry but that's really all i could do. i forgive you by the way even if i don't get why you're apologizing to me. i also want to say that, it wasn't you. it sounds cliche but you weren't the reason i became like that, it was me. it was never you. so please don't blame yourself for anything. please don't question your worth because you were more than enough.

yah i didn't want to unpack that

well i still know you and i was given the chance to say it now so

*(y/n) turns around wiping tears, jay is sniffling

i need a drink damn

*(y/n) pours a shot and jay as well, both drink after clinking their glasses

[you guys good?]

*both looks at each other and chuckles

we're good

i can't believe we have to thank our friends for setting this up

*jay groans

[care to answer one last question that is in everyone's minds' right now?]

oh god

is it what i think it is

[will we see you guys be featured again? maybe exes to couples again?]

let's drink!

*both take one last shot and waves to the camera

*(y/n) shrugs and jay winks

bye~

»————-　♡　————-«

bonus: youtube comments (peep last one)

masterlist ⸺ series masterlist

a/n: i was planning to post this sooner but my pharma prof suddenly dropped a 6-page activity lmao rip, im scheduling the timestamps i forgot to post last update sorry sorry. my angst skills are subpar forgive me but i tried my best. i hope you like this one too !! jake's will be uploaded next ! please look forward to it <33

[lokiondisneyplus]

Director Kate Herron calls from her childhood bedroom. She's staying at her parents' home in Southeast London for the summer, having spent the past year apart due to the pandemic and directing her latest series, Marvel's Loki. "It's so surreal seeing the show go out," she says over Zoom, "and being in the room that I was last in as a teenager."

Loki's first three episodes have seen the God of Mischief (Tom Hiddleston) team up with Agent Mobius (Owen Wilson) and the all-powerful Time Variance Authority to track down a fugitive Variant of himself: A female Loki that goes by Sylvie (Sophia Di Martino) who's set on blowing up the Sacred Timeline and, with it, the MCU as we know it.

"My dad, bless him, he was never into Marvel before, but now he's obsessed with it," she says. "When I got the job, he started watching his way through the films, and he's got all these different YouTubers that he now watches for theories, and he tries to get spoilers out of me. He's like, 'What does it mean?!' and I'm like, 'Dad, I can't tell you!' It's very sweet, but very funny."

Now, with three episodes left of the season, she's bracing for their first family viewing experience. "I might not be able to, though. I might be like, 'You have to watch it by yourselves and then we can talk!'" she laughs. "Wait to hear the Loki theme and be like, 'Oh, I can go downstairs now.'"

In the meantime, Herron fielded all of ET's midseason questions about making Loki's bisexuality canon in the MCU, flexing more of his magic than ever before and why Sylvie isn't really Lady Loki or the Enchantress.

We are halfway through the season. Outside your parents, how has the reaction felt so far?

It's been amazing. We had these big ideas in it -- like, about free will and good and evil -- and wanting to [know that] if we're going back in with Loki because he's so beloved, that it's going to be a good story for that character, but some fresh terrain. I think the response has been pretty joyous and it's just so fun seeing what people are liking, what people's theories are. I couldn't be more happy, to be honest.

Being someone who appears pretty online and active on social media, how deep are you going into reading what people say and diving into those theories and all that?

I definitely read a lot of them -- I don't comment on them -- but I used to love Lost and Game of Thrones, and I was on Reddit, commenting, like, "Ooh, maybe it means this or means this," and I think that's the fun thing with our show, right? Our fans are so smart and it's fun seeing what they're getting right and what's not right but is very interesting. The Easter eggs they dig up are always amazing to me. Some of them we put in there, and I'm like, "Well, let's see..." and I'm like, "Oh, they found it!" So, it's really fun tracking it online. It's very weird directing something where you know every frame will be [screen]grabbed by some fans because they're looking for stuff.

I loved your tweet about why it was important for you to confirm that Loki is bisexual in the show. Not really reveal -- because he's bisexual in the comics -- but make that canon. Talk to me about having those conversations with Marvel.

I think it was something very important to everyone. And I felt like, OK, how can we acknowledge this? We have aspects of the story that are there, so how do we build this into the story so it feels earned in the moment? I didn't want it to feel like we were just wedging something in, but we had this beautiful scene where these two characters are being really raw and really honest about who they are, and I was like, "Well, it is a part of who he is and who they are." For me, talking with Michael [Waldron] and Bisha [K. Ali], it just felt like it was the right moment for that line. This episode is really beautiful for me, because it's these two characters getting to know each other, so in that sense, it felt like the right place for that conversation to happen. And I thought it was done really beautifully by the writers.

Obviously, like I've said, it's very personal to me, and I said it was a small step in some ways -- because obviously, he's just talking about it -- but in the bigger scale of things, I'm like, oh no, it's massive actually. If I saw that when I was 10, it would be really big for me. It's been really nice getting comments from people online. Some people were like, "It helped me actually talk about how I feel to my family and helped me come out." And I thought, "Well, if it helped one person do that, then it's worth it."

This is the MCU's first lead character who is openly queer. Did you know that? Were you aware of how big a milestone this would be?

Yeah. Well, in some senses, yes, and in some senses you're never sure, right? Because [Marvel is] so secretive about all their other projects. [Laughs] For me, I was like, I'm telling Loki's story, it's a part of who they are and I just want to acknowledge it. It's canon in the comics and if we can make it canon in the films, that would be amazing. When I came on board, I was like, if there's a way to do this, it would mean a lot to me and, I'm sure, a lot of people. But it was very welcomed, and I think we're all very proud of how we did that.

This may be getting into spoiler territory that you aren't able to talk about, but acknowledging one's sexuality is one important part of representation, seeing it play out through relationships is another. Can we expect to see any further exploration of what it means for Loki to be bisexual in this show?

I'm trying to think how to answer your question. [Laughs] I would say in our story, this is how we acknowledge it. But I hope that that paves the way for deeper exploration.

We're halfway through the season. What were your biggest goals in these first three episodes?

I think the biggest one was obviously, the Loki we're with in this story is on a completely different path, so it was tracking his character in the sense that he basically sees this amazing arc that the other Loki had gone on across the MCU movies, he sees that he reconciles with his brother, but that wasn't him in that moment. He's watching a different version of himself. But seeing that moment and seeing that he has room for growth and change is really interesting with our Loki, because he's in a very different headspace. So, it was tracking, what's familiar about this character from the Loki that we've seen over the last 10 years go from villain to antihero? And what is going to be completely different and completely different sides to this character that we get to now dig our teeth into? That was something really important to me and to Tom and the writing team, and it was really fun unpacking that and what his identity means.

The other challenges, honestly, were just setting up the TVA, because it's outside of time and space and giving that a grounding and a reality and making that feel like a whole new exciting corner of the MCU. That was a big responsibility, and I was really excited by that. And then you have the bigger arc of the story, but you also knowing it's going out weekly on TV. So, how are we going to track this week by week. Where are we leaving the characters and what are we leaving for the audience? Something we always thought about was we knew there'd be discussion week to week, so it was like, "Where are we going to give them certain bits of information across the show?" We wanted to provoke conversation and discussion about even just things like free will, you know?

I will say about the TVA, I'm basically a human Miss Minutes stan account. I think she's the baddest bitch in the MCU. I watch every Miss Minutes fancam that pops up on my Twitter feed.

She's incredible! What I love about it is that she's in our first episode and she actually used to come out of the presentation that Loki watches -- she came out on the screen -- but it was too crazy. We were like, "OK, we can't do that in the first episode. We'll do it in the second episode!" But what I love about her is that we're seeing the TVA through Loki's eyes and it's, like, the status quo, right? And if our status quo is a Southern-talking, Roger Rabbit-style clock, the show is going to probably get quite weird. I think that's what I love about her. And obviously, Tara [Strong] is awesome. Yeah, Miss Minutes is a lot of fun.

You talked about exploring who Loki is and could be. He's always had an arsenal of powers, but in this series, you really get to explore and define what his power set is. What were those conversations like?

That was something else, coming in, I was so excited about. We have six hours of him, let's see some more magic. Because across the comics, he's super powerful, and for example, in the last episode, that's what was so exciting to me about that, the oner at the end of episode 3 was that I've seen a lot of oners but I haven't seen one with magic. So, I was like, let's put loads of magic in there! We get Loki using his telekinesis and his magic blasts and then also Sylvie, as well, and her powers.

For me, it was exciting getting to bring those in in a way that pushed the story forwards. Because I get it, when he first lands in the TVA, they can't use magic, so I know if I was watching, I'd be like, "What? No magic?!" But I think that's the fun thing is, we still have three episodes to go and also it was fun to put him on Lamentis and see him using his powers in different ways. It was definitely something important to me and the team, was to get to show a little bit more of him. But across the films, you can only do so much. Now we have six hours, so it felt like, of course we have to delve into that more.

I don't know if you saw this on Twitter, one of my favorite reactions to episode 3 was someone tweeted a screenshot of Sylvie screaming and her hands glowing and wrote, "she did the meme!!"

[Laughs] That's great!

We've now officially met Sylvie, and we're starting to piece together that this may be sort of a hybrid character of Lady Loki and Sylvie Lushton, the Enchantress. Are you able to confirm that you pulled from both to create your Sylvie? Or is that something that's to be further revealed?

I would say there's more to be delved into. One thing I would say is, like, she's different to the comics. Like, she's a unique character, but obviously, there's things that have been pulled from. I think for her character, she's on the run and she's called Sylvie and she's dyed her hair. The blonde that we associate with Sylvie is played in that sense, but it makes sense for her character within our story. But I would say deeper than that, yeah, there's more to be revealed about her character to comes.

The main thing I would say is: Lady Loki in the comics is a very different character to our character, obviously. I love that character and I think she's got a very different journey. But our Sylvie is a female Loki, in that sense -- because in episode 1 and 2, they know it's a Loki they're tracking -- but I think that's part of the discussion. It's almost like Loki -- as in Tom Loki -- he's like, "Wait, how much of my life have you got? Who are you?" And I think that's the real question is, who is she? So, we will discuss that as the show goes on. Why does she not like being called Loki? What's her past? Where did she come from?

Tom and Sophia have such great chemistry, but how challenging was it for you and Michael and Sophia and the writers to create a character that essentially has to match up with our Loki, who's had however many films to become the fan-favorite character that he is?

It starts in the writing. Because she's a unique creation, and that was exciting and I was intrigued where they were pulling from with the comics. I was like, OK, that's cool. Beyond that, I think it's casting it. Sophia is an incredible actor. I've worked with her before. She has this fire in her and she brings this amazing vulnerability to all her characters, but she's also, like, so funny. It's just, so many of these things she always brings, I was like, they're so Loki. So, I was like, "We've got to get her to read!" And we were just all blown away by her read of it.

She definitely can hold her own. That's the other thing, as well. I know her, and I was like, she will hold her own. I know she will. Because she's going against Tom's Loki and that's such the fun thing about them. Even just on the train, where it's the end of the world and Loki's solution is, "I'm going to have a party and I'm going to have a drink. I'm going to have a lovely time." And her solution is, "I'm not going to have a glass of champagne, thanks. I'm going to focus on the mission of getting off the moon." Those little differences is what's quite fun about them to me. How are they different, and how are they the same?

Was there something you got to do as a director in these first three episodes that you had never done before that you were especially excited or nervous or both to tackle?

I suppose so much of the show, right? Because I've done a lot of drama and a lot of comedy, but they were like, "Here you go! Here's the reins to this massive, genre-driven piece where you have to set up a new corner of the MCU and you're going to have this beloved character." There was a lot to carry. But I'd say in terms of something I was excited about, only because Kevin Feige was teasing me, when we filmed the big oner at the end of episode 3, I was really inspired in the writing, because it sounded like you were really with the characters. I love doing long takes anyway and I remember thinking, "Oh man, this sequence feels like the one that we should do as this oner," because I want the audience to feel like they're with Sylvie and Loki in this moment, and it's also a moment where you finally start to see an apocalypse and it feels more real, because you're seeing the horror and the terror that's going along with that.

For me, that was exciting, but the really cheesy bit that made me so excited is they had these foam rocks that fell on people, but it felt like real movie magic to me. I was so obsessed with the rocks. I was like, "Oh my god. This is like real, big Hollywood filmmaking." And I remember Kevin Feige was like, "You can take a rock home, if you want," and I was like, "Oh my god!" So I have this rock. It's in bubble wrap now, and I'm going to unpack it when I move into my place. But that's probably honestly the most excited I've ever been. [Laughs] I was just so excited by the rocks. Oh, and also, I remember when we were at Roxxcart and Tom gets thrown into those robo dogs, I was obsessed with the robo dogs. He was like, "I think this is the happiest I've ever seen you." So, those are my favorite moments on set. The foam rocks and the robo dogs.

Somebody's going to come into your flat in the future and there's going to be a shelf with just a rock and a robotic dog on it.

Mhmm! And I'll be like, "Yeah, guys, I did something." [Laughs] They'll be like, "What is this...?" But the foam rocks are genuinely amazing, because they look like real, heavy rocks, but they're so light. I was so fascinated with them. I was so excited. I made a lot of low budget stuff before this, so it was a big deal to me.

My favorite part of the first three episodes is the Kate Berlant cameo. How did that come to be?

Basically, I love comedy and my producer, Kevin Wright, does as well, and we were trying to think of people that could be fun. We've got Josh [Fadem] in episode 1, and that was a miracle. I just spoke to her about the part and was like, "This is a very small role, but if you're interested, you're very talented and you're so funny." And she was like, "You know what? That sounds really fun. Renaissance faire? Yeah, I'll come do it." So, it was very kind of her to come down and do that for us. She's so funny, man. She's so funny.

Do you let her riff at all?

We did. We have a lot of alts and a lot of very extended bits of her talking to the Minutemen. I think there's one where she talks about a bird show at the faire. She's so funny. I was very flattered and grateful that she did that for us.

I'm going to start the #ReleaseTheKateBerlantCut campaign. I want a whole episode of her alts. Or she can be the new Stan Lee and cameo in every MCU project. Before I let you go, if you had to choose one word to tease these upcoming three episodes, what is that word?

Hmm. I thought of one word, but then I'm like, it's spoiler-y, so I can't say that. [Laughs] Oh, one word. Exciting? I have to say "exciting," because I can't say the other one I wanted to say!

[beautifulpatternoflife]

So recently I hadn't been active on Tumblr and youtube for a really long time. My mental health took such a toss and I was having such anxiety and depression I didn't feel like working. I was also researching alot of mental health issues which include ADHD because I always had the symptoms even when I was a kid. Turned out I really had learning difficulties as I grew up. Especially dyscalculia even though I never got tested for it. And Dyslexia. But most importantly my working memory is dysfunctional. I forget things as soon as I get distracted. So it's not ADHD but looks like it because of my working memory. And it's sucks big time. I sincerely gave all the tests which resulted in this and am relieved to know am not at fault for failing throughout school. I was bullied alot and am just thankful I didn't turn into one myself. My mother is my biggest supporter in terms of my memory problem. She reminds me to do things all the time and is much more patient than my father in understanding how I perceive and articulate my feelings. I have a hard time understanding metaphors and sarcasm. I can't tell if someone is joking or not or making fun of me so I end up having rejection sensitive dysphoria. I don't know if it's just an ADHD thing or it applies to other neurodivergent as well. But I feel what I feel and most days am depressed about it. But all I've felt since the test results came out is relief that now I know what it is and am willing to work on it and reduce my anxiety and depression to a minimum when it comes to my mental illness. My relationship with music is mixed feelings. For easy pieces that I learnt, I am okay and I enjoy it. But as soon I have to maintain a rythym it's not free flowing and my anxiety gets in and tells me you are going to slow or too fast or my teacher tells me that. Don't get me wrong, my teacher is good. But she doesn't get me the way my mom does. She knows I can't cope with accompanying instruments. It's alot of responsibility being on beat. I lose it because of my inability to understand anything number related. Same happens with tabla classes. I forget which taal has how many beats, when is a clap and where is silence, how many divisions are in which composition. My therapist told me to talk to them about taking my hobby less seriously where it becomes relaxing and stress free and enjoyable rather than have to work so much that it feels like torture to my neurodivergent brain. I also suffer from bad vision and I am a photographer and that stupid meter on the side of the camera where you fix it according to your power of the eye does not work. So I have to make guesswork of my photographs wether they are focused or not. Most of my photographs have always been underexposed because my eyes are photo sensitive. I was also diagnosed with migraine last year and too much exposure to bright light triggers it.My therapist is really proud of me for doing all of it for years and also graduating with a photography degree despite my issues and I can't help but test up with pride for myself. I look back at it all as a big achievement despite failing throughout school. I am not asking for sympathy, but I just wanted to talk about it. Since everyone's coping mechanism is to do tint rants and storytelling here on Tumblr. It's a nice community. And I feel welcomed. Thank you for listening. Much love to you all.

[path-of-my-childhood]

Taylor Swift: ‘10 things you didn't know about ME!’

By: Roisin O'Connor for The Independent Date: May 24th 2019

Speaking to the British media for the first time in three years, the pop star, arguably the biggest name in music, reveals to Roisin O'Connor the unknown stories behind her latest hit single

Taylor Swift has shared a number of details about her hit single “ME!” ahead of her appearance on The Graham Norton Show.

The pop star spoke exclusively with The Independent about the track, which features Panic! At the Disco frontman Brendon Urie and is the first single from her forthcoming seventh album. In a review, The Independent said the song heralds a “bright new era” for Swift, suggesting that the new sound appears to “signal a time – at least one she intends on practising – of positivity and acceptance”.

“The world is a dark enough place, she seems to say, without another album despairing at the state of it,” it said. ”She’d rather let the light in, instead.”

“ME!” broke a number of music industry records upon release, including the biggest 24-hour debut on YouTube. The video contains several clues about more new music, including references to the album title. Read our Q&A with Swift, below, for her thoughts on “ME!” along with insights into what to expect from TS7.

There are so many musical references in the video – which did you draw particular inspiration from? I watch a lot of films and I’ve always loved musicals. With this video, I wanted it to be sort of a love letter to romantic, epic musical films, but always with a weird eccentric twist. Some of it was inspired by big Disney films, or classics like Singin’ in the Rain (or in this case, singing in a monsoon of fluorescent pastel paint). The love story between the two main characters in these films tends to be very performative, and that’s exactly what I wanted Brendon and my dynamic to be. Demonstrative and showy. Dramatic, but never taking itself too seriously.

What other pop culture references do you think people might have missed in the video? I wanted to channel Pattie Boyd in the Sixties scene because I adore her. Two glasses of wine and I’m immediately yelling about how much I love Pattie Boyd. I also liked the idea of flipping some old romantic stereotypes, like how a man would make a grand gesture in the street for a girl up on a balcony to make it up to her. Instead it’s me and a bunch of bad ass women in business suits doing the wooing. Then he tries to win me back with a few clichéd lady traps like flowers and a ring. But I’m like no, nah. But he hands me a cat? Okay, he must know me.

What made you want to work with Brendon Urie on the song? Brendon is the kind of performer I’ve always been in awe of. Endless energy, creativity and the desire to evolve every time he makes something new. You also never hear anyone in the industry say anything other than “he’s the nicest, loveliest person.” He’s actually got so many great qualities it’s almost obnoxious. 

How many seconds was it before you decided to adopt Benjamin Button (the kitten from the ME! video)? I think for the sake of being extra, I’ll say 13. You know when people say ‘I saw him and I just KNEW’ when they meet the one? Yeah I walk around saying that about a cat.

How many clues are there to the album title in the video? I think you see it once and you hear it twice.

When did you learn to speak French and what made you want to include it in the video? I’ve always loved the French language. I think I probably love the French language as much as any non-French speaker can. I wanted to have a nod to that and to the language of love. I also wanted to drop a few hints in the dialogue of the argument.

What was the main or most important message you wanted to send to fans with ME!? I wanted them to see that I’m heading in a different direction musically than they’ve seen in the past few years. This song was to change expectations and be a bit of a palette cleanser before they hear more of this new project. Plus, the chorus just makes me happy and lifts my mood when I sing it. I never want to be presumptuous, but I hoped it might do the same for someone who’s having a s***ty day.

Have you ever wondered about whether your clues are too well-hidden or do you trust your fans’ detective skills enough that they’ll get there eventually? I trust them to eventually unravel all of them, even if it isn’t until they hear the full album. That’s how I designed these clues, so that different ones would reveal themselves over time. I know this makes me sound like a frustrating, magical elf making people guess my name or something. If the fans tell me they’re not having fun with it anymore, I swear I’ll stop!

How long has this song been in the making? Because there are references that link as far back as 2012... I wrote the song this past winter, but I’ve known for quite a while what I wanted this album to look like, feel like, and evoke. I wanted it to be like the sky looks after a storm. Colorful, calm, somehow more beautiful than it ever had been before.

ME! is a song that seems to try and brush away cynicism about being a bit silly and just having fun – was this a message you were really intent on sending to fans, maybe especially in 2019? Absolutely. It seems like everyone is trying to be so cool and over everything and ready to criticise whatever people make. I mean there are even articles like “Here’s how Twitter feels about _______!” and people are actively being as scathing as possible or taking the piss out of everything because they get attention for it now. I wanted to put out something that, by nature of it being so buoyant, was actually the opposite of what culture is doing right now. Will it work? I don’t really care. It’s just fun to sing about being in a good mood for a change.

[kogo-dogo]

I looked at your favorite character top 5 thing and there's the one character you said was your ''problematic fave''. And I've heard of that game before because I saw somebody play it on Youtube once, I think the second one, and I was just curious about the character. Torque?? Because it seems like such a bad game and he didn't seem to have much personality but you seem very attacked so I was wondering if maybe it was worth looking into the series or something. I like old games.

I am so sorry that I said a week ago I’d answer this, Anon. I have so many thoughts about this probably-actually-one-dimensional character because I’ve had sixteen years to pick apart every scrap of info that exists about him. And overanalysis of fictional men is, at this point, my primary hobby.

First of all… eh. I won’t say to definitively not look into the series, but I would encourage you not look into the series. It’s one of those things that’s aged like an open bottle of two-buck chuck and I can tell you right now that it wouldn’t be as palatable in 2020 as it was in 2004. As much as I love Prison is Hell (the first game) and as much as I get what they were trying to do, they messed a lot of things up and it wouldn’t translate well to modern times. This is especially true for Ties That Bind. Oh my god, do NOT play Ties That Bind if you’re easily offended.

It’s fascinating to pick apart, though, even if it seems extremely basic on the surface level, and part of the reason I like Torque so much is because he’s a very interesting character to crack open and inspect. I know he probably Isn’t That Deep, but he’s interesting, figuring him out is a puzzle because of the way storytelling is carried out, and if he’d been handled better, would probably still be remembered beyond “quiet dude in a game Youtubers occasionally play on Halloween.” He’s really an unfortunate casualty of that era of gaming. It’s surprising he was handled with any dignity at all.

Spoilers are to follow, but it’s for the best. Now you don’t have to play the game.

First, a disclaimer: The Suffering games do work on a morality system, where you can get good or bad endings based on how you treat other people. The game is heavily designed to favor the good ending, and most people I’ve spoken to have agreed the good endings are likely canonical considering how much you’d miss while playing neutral/evil. So, we’re going with the “Good Aligned Torque is Canon” angle.

Okay. Now.

- Who is Torque? 

This guy.

Torque is, in essence, what happens when you take every tired trope of a horror movie villain and flip it around on its head. He’s a severely mentally ill inmate convicted of murder (while it’s never outright stated what mental illnesses he has, it’s pretty obviously a mixture of DID and schizophrenia), he never speaks (at least not in the present; he does have scant dialogue in flashbacks in the second game; it amounts to maybe eight words total), and he is… freakishly strong. Beyond that, there’s very heavy evidence that he’s somehow supernaturally inclined. 

The difference is that, instead of being presented as the villain, he’s the hero. He’s not just the hero, he’s basically one of the very few competent people in the games. Nobody treats him any different than they would anyone else, the game doesn’t go out of its way to underline that he’s some kind of “monster,” and even when the most monstrous of his alters presents itself (The Creature, who we’ll discuss later), people are just kind of like, “Oh, well that was different” and then move on with their lives.

He is a character who could very easily take the place of Jason Voorhees, and instead of being given a machete and told to kill everyone he comes across, he’s given a fire ax and a voice in his head that tells him to take care to think about how much other people are struggling and that maybe, being that he is probably stronger than them, he should put forth the effort to get them someplace safe. 

- Okay, but, like… WHO is he? Character-wise?

If you want his backstory, it’s actually one of the best parts about him and one of the few things that Ties That Bind expands upon correctly. To summarize, he’s a victim of the state that fell through the cracks, pieced his life back together, and then ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

To be more long-winded: He was a troubled child with psychiatric problems who lost both of his parents in a car accident. With no living relatives beyond his parents, he was placed into the Garvey Children’s Home, where the conditions were less than ideal. A mixture of strain, trauma, loneliness, and desperation prompted his brain to divide up into three: himself, Blackmore, and The Creature. Then, left to navigate life and his own mental health on his own, he ended up falling in with some very bad crowds.

He became a drug dealer. He got in a lot of altercations. He was in and out of prison. This only stopped when he met his wife and became a family man, and began to consciously put forth the effort to right himself. He had two sons, had everything under control… and then ended up in prison again when the guy he used to work for on the streets hired a man to come pay him a visit at his friend’s bar and press every last one of his buttons until he snapped. He wound up in prison, his wife divorced him, and everyone assumed he’d end up back to his old tricks.

Except… he didn’t go back to being a drug dealer. He got a job at a gym instead. He stayed on the right track. He started reconciling with his ex-wife who, right before the events of the first game, moved back in with him. 

This didn’t sit well with the men Torque used to run with, especially not the guy he used to work for… so a hit was ordered on him and his family. He wasn’t home when it was carried out. He walked in, found his wife and kids dead, and passed out in his apartment from the shock, where the police found him after receiving a tip.

He was bloody. He was disoriented. He was known to be a repeat offender. They pinned the whole thing on him and, after a very unfair trial, he was sentenced to death.

The first day he arrives in prison--located on scenic Carnate Island--the ground opens up and monsters begin sweeping over the land. Convenient.

- Wait, this bitch has alters?

Yeah. This… isn’t really a part of the game that’s handled well, but it’s interesting. There’s a lot of weirdness going on with Torque (remember that supernatural bend I mentioned?), and one of the two is… well, I’m not sure he’s an alter at all.

First, there’s Torque himself who is just a short-tempered, easily frustrated, but generally reasonable guy who really just wanted to keep his head above water. Secondly, there’s The Creature, a defense mechanism and literal monster that is incapable of communication and rears its head whenever he feels threatened. Physically threatened, generally, which resulted in The Creature being a bit violent. Torque has a pretty extensive arrest record and most of his arrests seem to revolve around “punched a guy at an inopportune time.”

Blackmore is more complicated, because he isn’t really clear. You see, there’s a snippet of dialogue in the second game and a lot of environmental storytelling that indicates that Torque is supernaturally gifted somehow (something he likely inherited from his mother), and that some of his mental illnesses are actually paranormal interference. Blackmore is the biggest gray area, because while he is presented as an alter, he… very much defies that. 

He’s presented as a presence that Torque experiences externally and that only he can see (not really uncommon; Torque hallucinates pretty frequently throughout the game), but he also seems to be aware and consciously trying to control Torque. When that fails, he settles for trying to find a way to take over Torque’s body permanently. He’s capable of actually getting in physical altercations with Torque, but at the same time can hijack his body to do things he wouldn’t normally be able to do. He honestly smacks more of something Torque is possessed by instead of something his brain came up with itself, made all the more obvious by the fact that the final battle in the second game is literally Torque and Blackmore beating the everloving hell out of each other after Torque consciously realizes that nobody can perceive Blackmore but him.

But at the same time, that guy that Torque worked for that ordered the hit on his family? That’s Blackmore. There’s a lot of talk about how nobody has ever seen Blackmore (indicating he only communicated via writing or phone or what have you), and it’s all… very, very stupid. It’s one of those things in TTB that made me throw up my hands and go, “Well, sure. Okay. Let’s just do that, then. That makes perfect sense thanks.”

(I do not like most of Ties That Bind.)

- Okay, so he’s supernatural somehow?

Mm-hm. Again, it’s never explicitly stated, but heavily implied through some dialogue from my second favorite character in the game (DR. Q.L. KILLJOY, MOTHERFUCKER) and just the way the story plays out. 

Carnate Island erupts with a bad case of monsters the second Torque sets foot on the island. A prologue you unlock after you beat the game once reveals that Torque actually hallucinated the first game’s end boss before he even saw it, indicating he has some precognitive abilities. The sentient spirits of both games know who Torque is and take a special interest in him, and plenty make allusions that they’re “more alike” than he thinks. Blackmore is very clearly paranormal in origin and seems to even be able to command the monsters in some way. 

Hell, Dr. Killjoy even implies at the end of the first game that Torque is somehow making all of this happen and, only by tackling the root of his problems, can he make everything stop.

While there’s never been an active fandom for this game, I used to associate with a small group of fans, and there was actually a lot of discussion/disagreements about whether Torque actually had any form of psychosis or if maybe he had latent psychic abilities he couldn’t control. Seeing things all the time, causing things to accidentally happen that nobody would believe; it’d be easy to be chalked up with a disorder when there’s no way to know or prove what you’re experiencing is Real Shit.

- Why do you hate Ties That Bind so much?

Because of the way it improperly handles a bunch of mental health stuff that the first game wisely didn’t actually touch on much beyond acknowledging the fact that This Guy Are Sick.

Prison is Hell makes it very evident that Torque has psychiatric problems but never dwells on it overmuch. There’s even an entire chapter of the game that takes place in an old asylum with an early 1900s alienist ghost (DR. KILLJOY) trying to diagnose and “treat” Torque, and it still is mostly hinged on the horrors of old-timey treatment of mentally ill patients than anything about Torque. That and Dr. Killjoy’s misguided good intent (that dude deserves a whole essay of his own, to be honest).

Instead of hammering it home that he has Issues and deciding to talk too much about Issues, it just treats Torque like a human being. Your main goal is getting off the island and saving stragglers along the way, all of which react to Torque just the same way they would to anyone. COs will either be authoritative or condescending. Fellow inmates will be suspicious but more likely to work with him. Everyone is always gracious for his help, and nobody makes any odd remarks about anything weird he does (barring when The Creature shows up; then, they just remark on, “DUDE HOW IN THE FUCK?” because you find out, later on, that all they see is Torque getting in fist fights with things twice his size and winning).

Torque is just Torque. He just do what Torque do.

Ties That Bind then goes barreling into a bunch of tired tropes and tries to make a convoluted twist ending, and then there’s the whole matter of the secret underground organization that wants to capture Torque and have been working with Blackmore and you end up fighting a helicopter and some SWAT-looking motherfuckers and… they try so much harder to be edgy and gritty and it’s really fucking stupid.

The only good things you get out of it are some further snippets into Torque’s backstory (appreciated), the return of Dr. Q.L. Killjoy (always welcome), and a set of monsters known as Gorgers (they make purr-gle sounds when they eat and I love them).

Oh, and Consuela. She is mentioned in the first game and actually shows up in the second, and I can respect any woman who gets captured by an evil paramilitary organization and, immediately upon being rescued, takes the biggest gun she can find, looks you dead in the eye, and says, “I’m going to steal a fucking boat, drive it straight into a warzone, and rescue my goddamn husband. You with me or not?”

She is literally some female parallel to Torque and my headcanon is they are bros.

- Anything else?

Yeah. The soundtrack for the game is pretty awesome and ended up inspiring some other music in a couple of other video games of the time (Mortal Kombat: Armageddon immediately comes to mind). They actually rigged up some pretty cool contraptions to make unique sounds and ambience using shit like scrap metal and garbage, and the results are pretty fucking cool.

Favorites of mine are the boss themes for Hermes, and Dr. Killjoy, with Dr. Killjoy’s being my absolute favorite of all of them. The main theme of the game is pretty great, too, and is probably the most iconic of all of the songs on the OST. I’ve even heard it used in stuff where I doubt people knew what the hell The Suffering was, lol.

[hardtoswallowtruthpills]

Jenna Marbles Didn't "Do Blackface"; Here is How Cancel-Culture Broke the Internet’s Adult in the Room

On May 31, 2020 Jenna Marbles, a well known Youtuber with about 20.3 million subscribers tweeted out in regards to African American’s rights to life and the Black Lives Matter movement. Marbles stated that “This is not a political issue, this is a human rights issue.This is systematic racism and oppression at the hands of law enforcement in our country. We want justice and we want change.  It shouldn't have happened once and it should never happen again.This is not a discussion”. Almost a month later, though, Jenna Marbles released a video on her Youtube channel vaguely titled “A Message”. Her subscribers would come to find when watching this video that Marbles was officially quitting YouTube over messages she had received asking her to address videos that were made in 2011 and 2012 for their “racist” content, as well as asking her to apologize. Marbles obliged, officially ‘canceling herself’ as some have said. Most of her fans are concerned about the break that Jenna Marbles is taking from the internet. Most even begging her not to leave Youtube permanently, but, there are bigger issues within this whole debacle that are being overlooked.

 Mainly, how did we get to the point where the current generation (which yours truly is a part of by the way) is so sensitive, that we harassed, intimidated, and bullied potentially one of the biggest voices on Youtube for the Black Lives Matter movement off the internet for an indefinite amount of time?

Don’t worry dear reader, you probably are wondering what could have possibly caused such a thing. Well, as most media outlets will tell you, Jenna Marbles quit youtube, and in turn the internet, because of accusations of her “doing blackface”. Surface level this sounds bad, doesn't it? It almost seems like her getting driven off the internet by a vocal minority almost seems expected, but remember, this is only surface deep. There's a whole bunch of stuff under the surface that needs to be unpacked, stuff that exposes why those who went after Marbles are, to put it lightly, hypocritical, or if you want it put bluntly, full of it. All of them though, have gone too far. Dear reader, this is a prime example of how the cancel-culture we have created is toxic slacktivism that gets us nowhere, and diminishes real world issues, and inevitably has broken one of the internet adults in the room.

The video that Marbles addressed in her apology that brought on the blackface accusations was one in which she did an “impression” of Niki Minaj. Here's the thing though...she was overly tanned at the time, filming in low lighting, and was wearing a cheap, acrylic, neon pink wig. With all factors combined, it becomes clear that none of this was “blackface” as the slacktivist warriors claim, it was just really bad filming technique. At the end of the video, Marbles even claims that it was “just a joke and that she loves and respects minaj”. We see in this clip one the wig is off, that Marbles was a spray-tan junkie at the time, which was common for girls in their 20’s about a decade ago.

Marbles also went on to apologize for a rap video she did, once again about a decade ago, for an original song called “Bounce on that Dick”. The rap was about toxic masculinity and the misogyny that toxic masculinity encourages. The lyrics express how men constantly brag about penis size or their attempts to sexualize women is ingrained in society's toxic notions of sexuality and masculinity. In this video Marbles, done up as a stereotypical asian man raps "Hey Ching Chong Wing Wong, shake your King Kong ding dong,". In her apology she admits it was racist and wrong and that she has privated the video because of the hurtful stereotype it portrays. Still though, it is being used against her even after apologizing.

Marbles also goes on to mention some of the other private videos on her channel. Claiming that she herself found most of them to be expressions of the internalized misogyny she held within herself back then. All of the videos she mentions in her apology have been privatized instead of deleted, showing in a way that Marbles is not going to pretend like these things didn’t happen, but she is also actively making sure that the videos cannot offend anyone anymore. 

For context, all of the videos that she discussed were around 8 to 10 years old as of this year. Meaning that in the oldest videos, Jenna Marbles would have been 22. Most 22 year olds at the time made mistakes, Jenna Marbles is not an exception to the rule, especially since the internet was becoming a vast place where anyone and everyone could express their thoughts and opinions. Sadly though, it seems this vocal minority that took it upon themselves to harass Marbles for an apology in the name of social justice think that just because she is a public figure, that at 22 she should’ve seen that in 10 years, this would come back to haunt her. The social justice slacktivists that seem to think they have done good in this world also forgot that in 2010, that was the humor of the time. Jenna was participating in humor that, back before cancel culture was really a thing, was considered harmless. She was doing impressions right along Shane Dawson’s Shanaynay, a Ghetto caricature that frequently appeared in videos on his first channel ShaneDawsonTV, or NigaHiga’s fake infomercials that would sometimes contain Ghetto or Gangster impressons and over the top asian impressions. Jenna was right there in terms of misogynistic or sexist stereotyping becoming a joke with Smosh, which compared a “Just Dance” game character to “A Skinny Ron Jeremy”, or comparing soft McDonald's fries to what the penises of men with erectile dysfunction would look like. Needless to say all of these creators couldn't see a decade into the future. It was acceptable to joke about these things back in the day in terms of Youtube culture. Since everyone in 2020 is now overly sensitive to decades old content, though, it is enough to get a creator “canceled”, even if they have shown significant improvement over those 10 years.

This vocal minority deliberately targeted Marbles, and pulled up videos from her past back up in an attempt to find something, anything problematic with her. Mind you, this is someone who’s most exciting, recent content was hydro-dipping a pair of crocs, acid washing old sweatshirts, and throwing a birthday party for her greyhound, complete with treats for the dog, and a  framed picture of Jerry Sinfeld as a birthday gift. Those who contacted her about her past and demanded an apology are directly responsible for what happened. They can claim it was Jenna’s choice to leave as much as they want, but would Jenna have made this choice if she weren’t harassed and bullied to the point where she felt her very existence on Youtube was hurtful? Would she have walked away if she weren’t scared that anything she could possibly say would inevitably offend someone? Most likely, the answer here is no. Instead of educating, or politely correcting past errors in private direct messages, these people decided it was their god-given right to demand an apology for videos that were made 10 years ago. They know that these videos and mistakes don't reflect the Jenna Marbles we all knew for the past 3 years, the one that actually changed and grew from it all.

These people seem clueless that their crusade for clicks and apologies they can turn around and deny under the guise of “the creator not meaning it” are diminishing every aspect of real-life issues and movements. If this continues the way that it is, if Smosh, or NigaHiga, or Shane Dawson are next in line for the cancel-culture call out machine. If they’re next to be accused of deliberately offending people, and when they apologize being told what their intentions were by internet strangers, who’s going to be there when they need big creators to back up their cause the most? The answer is nobody, nobody with a platform will be there to support them.

These people seeking to call out and cancel big name celebrities and public figures for their “racism” are ultimately going to hurt the Black Lives Matter movement. If anyone, celebrity or everyday citizen were on the fence with their support and they saw the Jenna Marbles fiasco, do you think they would be willing to support these movements? Especially in the case of Jenna MArbles, who openly defended the group before the accusations and cancelling began? They probably would be running for the hills. When we let people get away with being toxic, we are complicit in cancel-culture, If we are calling someone out for something that happened a decade ago, if we feel the need to air out their dirty laundry, without first addressing that the ones doing the aring out may have their own dirty laundry, then we let hypocrites get away with their hypocrisy. If you honestly support the Black Lives Matter movement, you would understand that change comes through education of the self and others, through protest, through showing those in power that we will no longer stand for their oppression of the minority. What does not bring about change is liking comments that harass people for mistakes made a decade ago, by canceling anyone over these mistakes, by driving a woman away from a platform where millions could’ve heard the message that she was trying to spread because of the entitled and toxic personality that these people seem to possess. All of this is driving people away from a social justice movement that is trying to bring about change, and is silencing those who are trying to be heard. Those who participate in this kind of toxic cancel-culture, are making movements like the Black Lives Matter movement an utter joke to those who are trying to understand, or worse, those who like life the way it is, who like their privilege, and want movements like this to be undermined.

In the end, it should be believed that those who called Jenna Marbles out OWE her an apology. Your toxicity drove away a proponent to a movement that could have made a difference. You made a woman who has continually educated herself over the last decade up and leave because you refused to believe that change was possible. These participants also OWE an apology to their closest Black Lives Matter chapter, for they need to understand how much their participation has diminished the message and work of those trying to actually make a difference. Maybe after this experience, they will realize that making a change doesn't happen through cyber-bullying. Perhaps, these people who participated in the cancel-culture that drove away Jenna Marbles will realize that they haven’t done anything to better themselves until they pick up a book from a Black author, or actually take to the streets and march for what should be a basic human right. Besides, maybe marching will also give these people a long-needed lesson on how it feels to have your speech repressed, and how discouraging it is when others won’t listen to what you have to say, just like how they did not listen to all of those apologies they demanded get thrown their way.

For now though, sadly, we get to live with the ramifications of the actions of a few. As long as Jenna is off the internet, there is one less platform bringing the much needed attention to a much needed movement. So, thank you cancel-culture, you silenced someone who has grown and was using their privilege to speak up for the good of those who cannot speak for themselves by claiming they were the very thing they were speaking out against. We all hope you're proud of what you did, that you feel superior for bullying someone. Since you like to cause ramifications like this to come to be, we hope that you ride off this high for a long time, specifically so you leave the rest of those using their platforms and privilege for good alone.

[machimachilegends]

Disclaimer: Duelists within the anime severely lack in Spell-based Monster Removal, Spell/Trap Destruction, Effect Negation and Continuous Spell/Trap cards that prevent the opponent from performing certain actions since cards are notably more difficult to obtain and faith/morale play a bigger role than luck/deck-building with an abnormal Battle Phase fetish.

Therefore, this list ranking the strongest antagonists in Yu-Gi-Oh! Anime so far will sparsely discuss the flaws of each character's Deck. If you have any questions about my list or want my personal thoughts on anything Yu-Gi-Oh!, feel free to ask. I have nothing but time!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Z-ONE

Has Level 10 Fairy-Type monsters he can normal summon regularly that are impervious to destruction by battle and card effects by normal means with minimal chances of being damaged.

The effects his Timelords possess range from shuffling your opponent's entire GY back to the Deck, dealing 2000+ effect damage instant Life Point recovery should he take damage. The only issue with Deck is the reliance on attacking and average use of one Timelord at a time. While his Continuous Traps over time will eventually disable the opponent from targeting his Timelords and allow him to exceed 20,000 ATK in a flash, his best play is his biggest weakness.

I could go all day explaining the other effects he has after a successful battle, but just know it's essentially a lot of shuffling cards back, returning cards back and burn. He only has one monster that can deal battle damage and that's about it.

And since he still needs to attack, akin to everybody else lower on the list, this is nothing each protagonist and most rivals can't get over, especially in their respective series, despite popular belief saying otherwise -- when Judai can equip Neos with Rainbow Veil or Light Laser to wall you, you know you messed up somewhere.

Zarc / Z-ARC

Fusion, Synchro, Xyz- and to a lesser extent Pendulum barely mean nothing to this guy and his stupendously powerful dragons. Having access to arguably the best Monster Type in the game both in anime and real life, with the added benefit of being Pendulum-based, many fans have very good reasons to hype him up as unbeatable prior to Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V's end.

His ultimate monster Z-ARC boasts and grants immunity to the monster effects of the aforementioned Extra Deck Monsters, in addition to the inability to leave the field by normal means similarly to Z-ONE with a whopping 4000 ATK minus the Battle damage immunity.

It may seem underwhelming at first, but this is only the tip of the iceberg. While Zarc cannot mend the course of a Duel through the Battle Phase, he does possess various ways of demoralizing his foes:

His opponents cannot add cards to their hand outside of the Draw Phase or else their effects will be negated and destroyed.

He can negate the effects of Fusion, Synchro and Xyz Monsters and drain them of their attack by performing the same summon on their Turn, with some of them capable of inflicting effect damage, and each dragon that resides in his Extra Deck has other effects ranging between dramatically exceeding their original ATK or mass removal.

His Supreme King Gates translate battle damage and effect damage into Life Points, while the servants in his Main Deck can protect Z-ARC from attacks and act as an unnecessary extra piece of armor amongst other cards.

And did I forget to mention through Astrograph Sorcerer Z-ARC's summon cannot be negated, which almost guarantees the defeat of his opponents with massage effect damage?

I know it all sounds amazing, but truth be told other than the initial summon of Z-ARC, his Deck is very very fragile in the grand scheme due to how susceptible his Deck is to common Monsters, Spells and Traps' targeting and non-targeting effects that have debut throughout the series.

Recall, since most of his cards only work so long as he controls Z-ARC, while someone like Z-ONE may get trolled by Harpie's Pet Phantasmal Dragon or The Regulation of Tribe once in a blue moon, just call-in Dark Necrofear or Destiny HERO Plasma and it all goes downhill from here.

Dartz

As the practical incarnate of the Orichalcos, Dartz features a Deck revolving around its use. Monsters, Spells, Traps: The whole damn Deck.

While most people would like to focus on the Great Leviathan's lack of built in resistances, despite being an INFINITE ATK point monster that essentially prevents you from losing to any form of damage, this slithery-fuck that required countless souls for its revival planned to be summoned with all three layers/forms of the Orichalcos to be in effect. How else did you expect to acquire 10,000+ Life Points to get the dark thing out? Soul Absorption?

To put sum things up, layer one cannot be destroyed (possibly can't be negated, activation-wise), grants all monsters you control 500 extra ATK, practically enables you to treat your Spell/Trap Zones as extra Main Monster Zones and any monsters summoned there cannot be attacked so long as you have a Monster Zone filled, and if-need-be you can move monsters from the Main Monster Zone to the back, although those last two effects go underused.

Layer two takes all the effects of layer one and stacks it with a 500 Life Points gain for every monster you control once per turn and the ability to Tribute a monster you control to destroy an opposing monster.

Still not convinced these layers do much, well how about layer three? Once again it all stacks with the bonus on straight up telling your opponent "No" when they try to affect any of your monsters with a Spell/Trap Effect instantly negating and destroying them on a whim.

Now, we know the glaring hole in all this is the fact Monster Effects can still put in work, but if it's destruction based, you'll be putting all your time into the monsters leading up to the Great Leviathan.

A little sucker (Kyutora) that absorbs that would be inflicted at any time to fuel a stronger golem-like figure (not Gigas but Shunoros) in the Deck should it ever die with a base ATK of whatever was absorbed and two arms that will always be 300+ in ATK or DEF against an opponent's monster (Aristeros & Dexia), a jerk flame gargoyle that will force one of your opponent's monster back in Attack Position and motherfucking Timeater.

Generally speaking, he comes off very mediocre until you realize all he really needs is Mirror Knight Calling to dominate. With those Mirror Knights in conjunction with the Orichalcos he instantly assembles an army of tokens that can battle any monster and come out victorious, since their strength will always match the opposition and survive destruction by removing a single mirror counter that is generated by Mirror Knight Calling at the end of every Turn.

Simply put, he's someone that only gets better with time, unless he has Geh (The Great Leviathan) out. Then he has a solid chance to lose instantly, then again, if he didn't win on the Turn he summoned it, he deserves to lose seeing how he is milling 10 cards per attack from his Infinite ATK monster.

In many ways Zarc is just a better Dartz. For a guy like this, one Gemini Summoned Magical Reflect Slime + protection is all you need.

Don Thousand

Similarly to Z-ONE he comes off very unfair, except he's an offensive behemoth with control over the Overlay Network, opposed to defensive paragon with relative one-shot capabilities like the others. His Deck can be summed up without much need to go into effects, especially with how little we actually see.

Bluntly put, he will start his Turn spitting out 1 through 4 Number Monsters with the same gimmick of doubling their ATK after each attack, easily allowing him to exceed 8000 points of potential battle damage with a built-in Rank-Up play that deals even more lethal damage, essentially making him the true FTK antagonist looming in the back.

Should both attempts fail, he will fall on Number C1000, but that monster really means nothing to any character that possesses no "C" monsters. Rather Number iC1000 is what you really wanted to see. A walking win condition that basically tells your opponent, if you don't attack me, a 100,000 ATK monster you instantly lose the Duel. The only problem here is it can't negate two attacks, and the effect only applies so long as it stands.

Unlike some of the powerhouses higher on the ladder, he at least has Counter Traps, so there's at least some merit why you rarely see YouTubers try to script any Duels with him. Linear af.

I would say the true problem with his Deck/power as a Duelist is the fact he uses a Field Spell to kickstart his FTK's which means any bro like Bastion Misawa could play Curse of the Forbidden Spell and he's a goner. Like, here me out, at least Dartz can still play the game without the Orichalcos.

Bohman

Now, at first I thought Bohman was going to end up stronger than Z-ONE with the blanket Monster Effect negation he had on his Hydradrives when Dueling Blue Maiden, but that turned out to become more nothing more than a dream.

Bohman lacks proper negation for LIGHT & DARK Attributes essentially made Bohman's Deck a very unfocused beatdown strategy like many of the Duelists of the week characters in Link Swarming form, basically trading Majesty's Fiend for Five-Headed Dragon + Wind-Up Rabbit on crack playing dice.

Ignoring his use of Master Storm Access, it's not so much his Hydradrives suck or OTK/FTK potential isn't there- because it is, it's more so everything he does against Playmaker outside of switching dragon heads or rolling some dice (which only sucks irl) can be done better by everyone on the list:

Over 5000 ATK just cause? Check.

Can dominate Battle Phase procedures more than normal? Check.

Inherently prevents adversaries from dealing with monsters via built-in effects? Check.

Can summon more than one powerful monster per turn/Duel if need be? Check.

Safe from most damaging effects? Check.

Counters most of his generation? Check.

Benefits from his opponents' plays somehow? Check.

He's a jack of all trades and master of none but making attributes change with a die. Why he doesn't run DNA Transplant but Half Shut will forever be a mystery in the same world Revolver acquires Imperial Order for the sole purpose of stopping Judgment Arrows.

It sure is a good thing most protagonists/rivals use LIGHT & DARK Attributes over EARTH, WIND, WATER & FIRE or this man would be at the mercy of so many characters. Poor Yusei though.

Nightshroud

Nightshroud's strategies are the utmost straightforward with how it plans to win. Activate Darkness, Set Darkness 1 through 3 + Zero & Infinity, use various Darkness monsters to peep at your Set cards and/or organize them however you like before activating everything between Zero & Infinity.

Darkness 1 destroys up to 3 card your opponent controls based on face-up Darkness traps.

Darkness 2 increase the ATK of one monster you control 1000 to 3000 based on face-up Darkness traps.

Darkness 3 deal 1000 to 3000 per activation based on face-up Darkness traps.

Each of these are Set and randomized in the zones via Darkness (Field Spell) after activation between Zero & Infinity, which means in 2 Turns if the correct Darkness monster is on the field, that's a clean ceiling of 6000 effect damage if Darkness Neosphere is present.

Through these various Darkness Traps controlling the cards present on the field at a time makes it easy to disrupt characters from summoning their strongest monsters via Contact Fusion, Synchro, Xyz and Link Summoning, making the monsters he pumps up through Darkness 2 like Darkness Destroyer game enders via Battle Damage, which would make many come to the conclusion he should rank higher on the list. The main problem with Darkness is he doesn't showcase any further Spells/Traps and anything like Denko Sekka can shut him down in an instant.

Nightshroud's combo is highly susceptible to card destruction, despite boasting some of the finest at his best and other than that poor RNG styled Field Spell.

To cut things short, anything that can't be destroyed by Traps or benefits from destruction will only have to worry about effect damage or higher ATK. And considering how badly Nightshroud needs to go first, he's not only the slowest boss character but has the worst matchup potential, especially against other bosses.

Please don't tell him about Legendary Six Samurai - Shi En or Naturia Rosewhip OR Mister Alister's hmm... I don't know... Oh yeah! ROYAL DECREE!!!

I would say he has it the worse, but it's understandable since he- outside of helping others mend the darkness in their hearts never created/announced anything notably new mid Duel. Very respectable for a skeleton man.

[lizzybeth1986]

"In sandy soil, when deep you delve, you reach the springs below; The more you learn, the freer streams of wisdom flow." - Kural 396, Thirukkural, Thiruvalluvar.

Hana's first truly individual scene in Book 3 follows the pattern that a number of her diamond scenes have followed: learn from Hana, use her skills, get her insight to gain an advantage. These scenes are usually my favourite, because often Hana gets to give us an insight both into courtly life and into her inner mindscape.

The Cordonian Waltz scene gives us an insight into her broken engagement, the Moonflower Scene into her dilemma between staying true to herself and not being able to let go of her parents yet, and the Patisserie and Champagne scenes allow us to view her at different phases of her journey towards self actualization.

The Polo scene is, likewise, meant to improve the MC's skillset and provide her with an added edge in the next day's fundraising match. As is the case with dancing, baking, modelling, ice-skating and dressage, polo was one among the many skills Hana learned in order to bag a noble suitor. Skills whose uses she is beginning to question now.

Polo Moves

Playing polo for Portavira is not entirely about winning a match - it's about putting up a show worth watching for the crowd. This is a benefit match, meant to raise funds for the disaster-struck area, and it doesn't matter so much who wins or loses as it matters that people get their money's worth watching it.

Hana's gift does not lie simply in knowing how to impart skills, but in knowing which skills to impart. She understands the context of this match and what is truly important - she anticipates the needs of their audience and helps the MC deliver accordingly. Her polo lesson is as much about artistry and performance as it is about winning this match.

Hana imparts three important pieces of advice that will help us gain an advantage during the match: one focussed on the game aspect, and the other two on entertaining the crowd.

"Watch the line of the ball" helps the MC figure out how to ensure that she strikes a goal and wins. Her advice that "you can only cross [the ball's] path if there's no chance of someone running into you, or if no other players have the right of way" becomes effective in the match when the MC races Maxwell to the ball, understanding that if she distracts him adequately (either by mentioning a corgi or a dance party) she can earn sole right of way and score for her team. This allows the former Queen Regina, who is mostly silent the rest of the match, to compliment the MC on her skills ("what a play!").

The half-pass is primarily a well-known and often-judged dressage move, and a very challenging one. Unlike the easier leg yield - where the horse is bent only slightly away from the direction of travel - the half-pass is seen as more advanced, requiring greater balance, engagement, and collection from the horse. Denise Cummins, in her website The Thinking Equestrian, describes the half-pass thus: "The half-pass is not a trick. It is a skilled movement that requires the horse to have the proper muscle development and agility".

Essentially, Hana has managed to teach the MC an immensely difficult - and risky, were it a different horse (the MC's personal steed, if she has bought it, is a Derby champion and has proven to be skilled enough for dressage routines) - skill in the course of a single night.

Teaching this dressage move benefits the MC and her horse into two ways: it allows her horse to wow the crowd, and the "diagonal motion" ensures she reaches the ball before Neville does. The half-pass is more about the agility of the horse than it is about the grace or skills of the rider, so teaching her this move allows the crowd to "applaud [the horse's] elegant gait".

The other secret move that Hana passes on is one of her own invention: the windmill. She exhibits this skill when the MC asks her if there are moves she - and not just her horse - can exhibit to win over the crowd. Hana acknowledges that "riders don't usually do anything showy" but nevertheless has the perfect trick up her sleeve:

I think this tells us a lot more about Hana's intuition and perceptiveness than it does about her polo-playing skills. While yes, this move is largely a mark of her creativity and initiative, it also shows us her ability to go above and beyond the game itself to think of what could entertain the audience. For the windmill is a move that was clearly invented to be a crowd-pleaser, to draw attention to the player. This is a move that relies as much on dramatics and showmanship as on timing, allows the MC to look good, and is easy for the crowd to do as well.

If one opts for this diamond scene and gets the additional option of exhibiting this move, it results not only in the crowd enjoying it but also emulating it. Dozens of people are described "mimicking the 'windmill' with handheld flags and anything they can find at hand". Hana definitely knows what the people on the stands are looking for in a match, and is able to mould her skills to deliver just that - and in this lies her biggest gift. I will elaborate on this in a later section.

Skills and Passions

Before I go into the crux of this section - which is what Hana knows vs what interests her, I'd like to look back at a very interesting point Liam made about Hana in his Diplomacy diamond scene:

Hana's a tough one. She's clearly had the kind of lessons I'm giving you now, and then some. Her posture's almost always polite and attentive...but when she feels strongly about something, you can sense her real feelings even before she speaks up. Her eyes grow darker and more serious.

While the book does not explicitly mention her eyes, there is a clear change of tone when Hana is talking about skills she has picked up, versus things she is passionate about. Compare, for instance, the way she speaks about ice skating to piano:

(Screenshots from the Abhirio YouTube channel)

Throughout the books, we see Hana adopt a largely neutral stance about things she has learned but isn't entirely interested in (ice-skating, traditional dancing, baking, dressage, modelling, polo). In these scenes, the moments where she does show joy in the activity include her friends. Dancing becomes more appealing to her when she's competing with Maxwell, cooking and baking when she has someone to pamper with her food. She confesses to enjoying polo more after teaching the MC.

With the activities she loves doing, however, Hana is more involved, more expressive. She shows a range of emotions and is a lot more talkative on the subject of playing piano, or books, or flowers, or tasting good food.

None of these sequences mention her eyes much, but you can differentiate by her reactions what she loves and what she does not. She becomes emotional while talking about her connection to music (specifically piano), gazes in wonder with the MC as the moonflower unfurls, whispers excitedly and conspirationally about reading Wuthering Heights in secret, and does a 'happy dance' in her seat at the simple joy of tasting a french fry dipped in her milkshake. When Hana is excited about the things she is doing, she seems to be a different person altogether.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Prior to her journey in Cordonia, Hana had always assumed that the skills she was pushed into learning were all she would need. She had expectations to fulfill, she had a future mapped out for her, and her aim in life amounted to that future becoming a reality and her life as the wife of a nobleman being set. Because she grew up with the notion that her needs were deterrents to her aim, rather than an aim in and of itself, it never really occured to her to think any differently.

Which was why she was unable to properly answer Peter when he asked her if she loved him. Which was why she constantly assumed that no matter how many Pinstop boards she made, her wedding plans would happen the way her parents wanted it to happen. Because she spent long enough believing what she wanted didn't matter, it took her a while to even be able to discover what she wanted, much less articulate it.

Hana's background made her acquisition of skills that would appeal particularly to aristocrats essential. As a woman who has some Cordonian noble blood in her (through her mother) but may be at a disadvantage because she may not have a title of her own, her parents' expectations had always been focused on ensuring a marriage to a titled, reputed noble who could not just look after Hana but provide her the kind of status and stature in society that (I'm guessing here) her mother may have lost in marrying a foreign businessman. They were clear about the direction they wanted Hana's future to go in, and prepared her only for that kind of future.

In the old, hierarchical Cordonia, perhaps Hana would have been well prepared enough. A Cordonia where she was expected to be the perfect hostess and giving wife all rolled in one, where her skills would equip her for the occasional court activity and increased possibilities for hosting. But post the Homecoming Ball, there has been a phenomenal shift: she is in a position of power at court (even more so if she is marrying the MC), in a country torn apart by civil strife and filled with citizens who do not feel safe and are therefore wary of the monarchy's ability to protect them. The skills she learned were meant for activities suited to court and an aristocratic home, but what matters now is what she has to offer outside of court.

For the first time Hana has to now think of what she can give to the country that has given her refuge and a sense of freedom, and she is now confronted with how little her upbringing has actually prepared her for this. Cordonia's well-being is incredibly important to her, and now more than ever she needs to prove to herself - as much to everyone else - that she can be an asset.

Some of her skills do come into use: particularly her penchant for negotiation and now her proficiency with polo, but how long are her particular talents going to prove useful and at what point will Cordonia see how ill-equipped she feels, with regards to handling this situation?

I would argue that even within this, it's possible to see that she has gifts beyond just the things she has learned. As I have specified earlier, this scene not only highlights how talented a polo player she is, but also that she has an eye for what will appeal to people and encourage them to get involved. She has oftentimes managed to help the MC secure allies by paying attention to the other person's needs and passing that information on to the MC (funnily enough, in all of these instances it is Hana who does the research and coaches the MC, and it is largely the MC who reaps the benefits and gets the credit). While this may not seem like a skill in and of itself, it is a pretty strong foundation for other, newer skills that she can use to help Cordonia.

Hana is often seen measuring her usefulness, and her skills, by whatever goal she has set herself out to achieve. She considers herself a failure when - despite her talents - she is unable to get/sustain a match. Right now her goal is to be a useful citizen, to help Cordonia out of its crisis, and this doubt manifests itself in this question: "Are the skills I have enough to save Cordonia? Am I enough?"

Romance

(The first two screenshots are from @kennaxval s playthrough, and the third is from the Abhirio YouTube channel)

As with Liam's Diplomacy scene, most of the romance emerges from the MC's choices rather than as a part of the default narrative.

The romance options are interesting, particularly in terms of timing and placement. All three of them revolve around the MC's desire to be a little playful, to distract Hana and get her to relax when she overthinks. The MC balances her out: she is playful to Hana's serious, gut-instinct to Hana's strategy. She gets Hana to think beyond the logistics of the activity and to enjoy what she's doing.

However, there is one problem.

The above options present themselves at a crucial point in the conversation between Hana and the MC, where Hana is unsure about what she'd like to try out if she could choose to do something she loves. In both the LI and non-LI scenarios, the "full-time best friend" is given as a choice. This makes plenty sense in the non-LI playthrough, and very little in the LI one because "best friend" doesn't even begin to cover what Hana represents to her fiancèe now.

The major problem here lies more in what has been left out in this scene. So far, Hana's future in both playthroughs have remained largely the same. Like Drake, she may acquire a title when she marries the MC. Unlike Drake, she doesn't get the opportunity in the narrative to ask questions about her future position as duchess, which is strange considering that it is so extensively analyzed in the Drake LI playthrough.

In Drake's playthrough, they discuss his upcoming new position as a Duke, his discomfort in being part of the nobility that had shunned him for so long, his need to be taken seriously in court as the MC's future husband, what he wants to do with his title, his need to provide for and protect his future wife and children. There are a number of stumbling blocks in his way, the biggest being the class barrier and how the court sees him.

Hana's marriage to the MC has, in contrast, only been discussed in the first two chapters, where she worries that she is imposing her desires and dreams on the MC and not adequately listening to her partner. This would have been perfect, had the MC not become a duchess and was not such a prominent political figure in Cordonia.

Ideally, Hana's playthrough should involve discussions on what her marriage to the MC should entail. This would include the following:

1. In what ways has her training prepared - and not prepared - Hana for this role?

2. In their first conversation with Neville and Rashad, the MC has the option of promoting Hana's advantage as a suitor primarily by extolling her skills as a hostess and housewife. Very little mention at this point is made of Hana actually running an estate. This is an arrangement that I'm sure Hana and the MC will never adopt in their marriage, considering Hana wants to be more involved, and the MC sees her as an equal in their relationship. It is not entirely clear whether there is a distinction, given that the only aristocratic women we have seen are largely heirs to their estates - Adeleide, Madeleine (to her county Fydelia), Emmeline, Olivia.

3. Shouldn't we have a discussion, then, on how her skills will translate into running their estate? What can she do to make Valtoria better than what it was earlier? How will they manage to run things and revive this duchy? What are their plans?

4. In keeping with her potential future crisis point, why do we not see Hana giving us a clear idea of whether she can run the duchy or not? Like Drake, her future is uncertain if she does not marry the MC, so both their efforts are channeled towards helping Liam and/or Cordonia. If they are married to the MC, both Drake and Hana face differing conflicts with regards to becoming landed nobility. Both deserve to be discussed in depth.

5. With reference to the above option list given, why can there not be an option for "duchess"? Why is she still "professional best friend", when Hana's closest friend in their circle is the MC herself, and their relationship involves a bigger role once they get married?

6. What Hana can do for Cordonia as a Duchess is also a question that needs to be raised in the story. It would still fit in with her overall narrative arc, but it would also present different issues and avenues compared to what she can do as a member of the MC's court.

Overall, I feel that while Hana has an interesting character arc in this book overall, it isn't being explored as extensively as it deserves to be, and doesn't seem very different from a non-LI playthrough of her story.

Sources:

"How to Ride a Half-Pass", by Denise Cummins from The Thinking Equestrian website.

Special thanks to @kennaxval and the Abhirio YouTube channel (@abhirio) for screenshots from their Hana-centric playthroughs.