#and every time I've been walking around | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kaleuh · 4 months ago

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Day 189: List everything you like about yourself, and explain why. What makes you unique?

Eh. I don't really think there's anything stand-out unique about me. But I do love my eyes and always have. If I ever have a kid I hope they get those—green "with sunflowers in the middle" (it's central heterochromia) I also like that my left eye has a freckle in the iris.

Speaking of freckles! My face freckles started coming back! I was at the beach yesterday and I was only out for a little over an hour, and even the Mailman noticed it! They come back with the sun. I was gonna go out today to get some more, but I was really tired so I'm gonna go with my sister tomorrow.

Uhhh I like my figure! I like outdoor activities and have a pretty healthy relationship with food. I like my hair (both my natural light brown and my dyed blonde!) I don't have the worst skin in the world either. I have a birth mark shaped like Mickey Mouse on my thigh. (Erhm.. a cutie mark, if you will..)

I like that I'm optimistic! Even if I'm not feeling it I'm still hopeful and try to give that to other people. I think I'm funny too I guess!!!!

I guess I kind of talked to The Mailman about this yesterday? I don't really think I have "uniqueness." I think I did in my early 20's, and even before that, but I just don't really think about myself that way anymore. Not to be a bummer! I just feel kind of silly trying to separate myself from anything other than a person trying to live and get by. I feel common, which is still way better than feeling negative. I can't really say what makes me "uncommon" anymore—I feel unearnedly conceited trying to ~*~snowflake~*~ myself to be honest ahaha.

I am (allegedly) "a bright light." (If I put everything nice The Mailman says I'd be writing this all day and you'd be reading it for even longer.) I've been told a have a strange aura? If those are real? Someone else once told me I had a "sprout" (?) growing out of my head? Spiritually? Another weird aura thing I guess? I love Pikmin. I've been told my soul is "from the fae realm" and that this is "my last soul cycle here before I ascend" or something idk a village priestess told me that but I also paid her $50 for a reading, so. Something to do with 'starseeds' but I don't remember it that well. I had That Big Thing Happen when I was 21 but blahblahblah don't I ever talk about anything else.

I did get explicitly told that I have a "very unique energy" last year but that could really mean anything as far as insults or compliments go. I also have no idea what anyone means when they say things like that.

#Kayla's 365 Day Challenge #honestly there has been something that i've been curious about ever since i moved here #there's this weird shop on main street that's ALWAYS closed #its really really uncharacteristically small #like Way smaller than the other shops #and every time I've been walking around #i'm always like #what is going On in there #it's got a weird symbol on it and a weird name and it's a 'healing sanctuary'#but i've NEVER seen anyone go in or out #all that weird stuff people said about me was in my early 20's so i have been curious about getting a second opinion for a laugh #i'd take The Mailman but I think i'd be too embarrassed to bring anyone #i probably won't since I'm retired and no longer suffer from Main Character Syndrome but I DO think it would be fun

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nostalgicfun · 1 year ago

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This is probably Too Niche, but to the vivid dreamers out there: do you ever get nostalgic for a place from your dreams that isn't real? I have recurring locations in my dreams that just. don't exist. And I find myself thinking about them or having "memories" about them even though they don't exist and never have. But they're real in my heart even though I'll never go there.

(tell me about these places in the tags, I'm so curious)

#the house along the highway with all the junk around it that I walk up to but never get to go in #the lake with the houses around it where I walk out onto the little fishing pier and watch the swans every time #the alternate version of the trails at my mom's house where a stream green with algae runs along the railroad tracks #the big mall where most of the lights are off and many of the stores haven't been restock in a long time and there's a creepy thrift store #and I know malls (esp abandoned malls) are common in dreams but this is the same one every time and I'm aware of that in the dream #a yellow victorian house with lots of trees and a fence out front. there's a park nearby. I've always been older in this dream #and it's always MY house. and I'm always so surprised I live there in a self-aware kind of way. I long for that house so bad.

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dawnthefluffyduck · 3 months ago

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I drew this explanation post for why I was completely inactive for a week, but then felt too anxious and drained to post it, and subsequently disappeared for a second week

Two main blog drawings and one side blog wip later, I remembered I made this and still think it's funny, so even though I stopped being dead (TM) I still wanted to share lol

Brief series of events at work

^^^old, but I'm still taking it easy so posts on both this blog and my alt will continue to be scattered for now

#so for those of you that don't know; i have moderate combined scoliosis #my entire back is always at least a little strained so i have to really watch my physical activity #but i live in Tennessee where we have the lowest federally allowed minimum wage #so in order to pay for college i have to work in a package distribution company because it's the only place that pays well/has a scholarshi #I'm in the small package dept thankfully (bc spine)#but for the last three months one specific manager kept sending me out to a different area with the heaviest packages in the building #when i first disappeared it was because i was having trouble walking and using stairs lmao #I complained to that manager and it seems I'll be in smalls again for the foreseeable future; so I've had time to recover and am better :D #every day i didn't post after that was due to anxiety and a low social battery BUT I'm getting slightly better on that front too #i have been *very* aware of my spine lately though #the last time I got an xray was ten years ago and i wonder if it's changed since then... not that i can afford a new xray lol #also can i just take a space to complain about the US not using the metric system #so many packages have kilograms ONLY and i have NO frame of reference for that since we don't use kilograms anywhere else #''ooh wow 70 is a big number but surely it can't be that baD- HOLY SHIT THAT'S 154 POUNDS'' <- me all the time #at this point I myself will just switch to metric and make life harder for both myself and life around me out of principle

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kuromi-hoemie · 4 days ago

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hhhh talking about my writing was fun but 30 tags is not enough.. yes i have 3 major influences but i have minor ones too.. it is a lovechild of my favorite things.. writing is so fun and i have no self control or a concept of pacing myself i will sit there for 16 hours and get hit with every status effect but by god does it all just flow out of me. I've always been a music person yes but i also used to write a lot into early adulthood until The Incident™

but i am ready 2 jump back into it. i think comics are a great middle ground between the two mediums so i don't get As into writing bc i kind of started going crazy last time 🫡 i can take a more structured approach to it that forces me to pace myself and think about it differently. i love art.... i love making things i love knowing how to do things i love knowing how to play things i love having so many creative outlets, even if i don't do a lot of them regularly lol. it is enriching 😳 and nice to know that it's always there to come back to when u want.

#if u want the tea my imagination at the time was like i could space out and straight up just be another person POV doing every little #thing as if i were them for hours and the experience would come together without having to even think about it.#different times/places/contexts/conversations etc. forced 2 to to my mom's lil cult meetings for 2 hours twice a week #i would opt to do these imagination exercises instead to rly put myself in a character's perspective. every step‚ stumble‚#riding in a carriage together for the entirety from point A to B etc. WELL i was working on a horror anthology somewhere 18/19 #(that had a small local following 🫶🏾) and it its concept was like the Twilight zone but a lot darker. it was called interdimensional #and the main recurring character never actually shows up in the story. they r an omnipresent god of death who exists everywhere but #exists outside of our realm‚ and it picks random people to reveal itself to as a symbol. it can be apparent or just in passing that #the entry's MC sees it in‚ it will appear on something somewhere and once it's brought up it's a cue to the reader that this person #has just been sent to an alternate reality that leads towards their inevitable death. for the character nothing ever changes immediately #but the different starts to creep its way in‚ as does death's approach at its crescendo but the path's i took to get there were 😨#and after enough entries i started to see the symbol irl and hallucinate some other stuff from my stories and it really scared me #and made me stop 🫡 but i think in retrospect i just went too hard on the imagination exercises and wished i tried cultivating it instead #give myself time to settle and get in control.. but alas‚ she has not written seriously since. to this day it still flows out of me if #i just sit down to do it‚ but i don't think I'm at risk of something like that happening again anymore :3 so yeah ♡⁠ i am learning how to #draw and trying not 2 force it bc i want it to b fun as a little journey for me and i look forward to the day i can come back to actively #writing again too 🫶🏾 i miss it but i also want to b able to draw ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა #learn the hard thing first then do the stuff that comes naturally.... i also want to get back into music sometime but clearly i got a lot of #other stuff to work on 💀 i burnt myself out on it learning too many things and not having enough fun with it anymore‚#but i have a better healthier with art these days and i know it'll be great to come back to when I'm ready 😌💕#i have been considering getting an acoustic or bass guitar tho 🧐 the beauty of physical instruments.. they're just there ready 2 go..#I've been doing mostly digital the past few years‚ when i was making music. it was also rly hard to when i was w my ex ૮ – ﻌ–ა #that's a whole other rant lol. but ugh digital is like u gotta set it up u gotta make space and then u gotta be in one spot the whole time #i just wanna lay in bed and vibe or something yfm.. walk around maybe idk. do something less structured.#maybe.. hm. hmmm 🧐#I'm going to guitar center lol c ya ✌🏾 getting a bass and amp and maybe a guitar too depending on the price

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fitzrove · 8 months ago

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Its ok maybe if you look up the lyrics to was für ein grausames leben and read them in english you will be okj<3

#[gnawing and biting]#ashjdjgjg i think i don't want to live in vienna after all #i'm by nature an easily depressed person and in some places it's too easy to make your life revolve around dead people and death at large!!#i had a lot of fun on my trip but i also had some terrible times #mostly the part where i was sick #one thing that i think would pose a major issue long term is the insanely narrow opening hours for supermarkets - in germany many stay #open until 10 pm. closest one to my hotel in vienna closed at 7:30 pm...#also i just can't deal with big crowds and tourists in my living environment full time dhhfhfgh i always need to be somewhere away and #voluntarily go into the tourist parts only if i want to #like how in cambridge it was insane in the center but i would walk 30 minutes every morning from by the train tracks :') a nice quiet #residential street and i could shop at the local sainsbury's and only go to the historic city centre when i felt like it and could prepare #so like i have to live in a quiet area but within reasonable distance of (and with good transport to!) a more exciting busy area #but um yeah now i have to awkwardly tell everyone irl that i've been talking about it to that i don't actually want to do it anymore xD #it's ok i still want to live Somewhere Interesting with historical stuff...#if i manage not to have a mental breakdown that is ahshhdjdkf #i like my current town a lot :')

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yuelun · 9 months ago

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.... I just really want her to be real. I want it more today than I did yesterday, and I'll want it even more tomorrow. And I worry about it, but I also have such a strong gut feeling. I just, I really want her to be real.

#[ ooc. ] wherever her spirit may be among the countless grains of sand and specks of dust between the harbor and the mountains…#[ /makes all of the dramatic hand gestures. ]#[ i've been going crazy and i'm losing my mind. i feel like monica geller walking into a messy house. ]#[ and the messy house is genshin's lore scattered all over the place. ]#[ it's terrifying to look at because it's so much and it's everywhere; but it's also so very riveting to unravel in every possible way. ]#[ and i'm losing my mind but i'm also having the best time and i just really adore her to the moon (haha) and back. ]#[ i'm also getting really tired of so much (all) of the fanart making her out to look so very young. stop it. look at her /here/. ]#[ does she look /young/? ]#[ ok but back to me losing my mind: /LOSING/ my mind. help me. i need to just-- dive into a hole where i write her. ]#[ instead of diving into the mariana trench of endless lore pits that has sea creatures in it that we've never seen before. ]#[ but also guys. GUYS. ALCHEMY!!! /ALCHEMY/ FINALLY. ]#[ and natlan is coming. and the resurrection arc/plot. and and and and. /shakes the air around her manically. ]

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butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway · 1 month ago

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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day #but i could probably pull it off for brief stints #a week on a week off or something #get an extra two hours a day that way #and then of course there's my old go to #i could just stop eating or taking care of myself #lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else #and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out #in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble #i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time #but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it #on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much #maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in #if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds #god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me #i've been doing this so long now #feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year #and that was the first time too lmao #i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings #my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN #i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min #then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back #then make dinner for the family #then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day #then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower #and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm #that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious

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neverendingford · 9 months ago

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#every time a character does the whole “talk softly and reassure the dangerous person” thing while also walking ominously towards them ughh #it drives me absolutely nuts. like. you're trying to talk them down from paranoia while you're threateningly walking towards them?#someone does that to me and I'm shooting them at least in the leg or stabbing with whatever makeshift spear I've manufactured #anyway. criminal minds is getting real annoying with the whole pathologizing of people.#like. guy shows signs of being very good at torturing people and they go “ah yes.. a pure sadist” or whatever the fuck #I get that it's shitty crime drama stuff but still. ugh.#I just. I fucking hate when people take the obviously wrong route when talking to mentally destabilized people.#like. people are shit at talking to suicidal people. are shit at talking down irrational fears. people are shit at talking down paranoia.#I hate how people don't fucking know how to interact with freaks I hate how people don't know how to interact with me #everyone acts on their own level without understanding what it's like in any way #and so everyone just projects their own reality onto you without performing any sort of empathy or exercising any sort of understanding #and I want to scream so fucking loud #you're all living in a cotton candy world and your words disintegrate in my humidity #and it's so fucking lonely #and my mind has been clear this past week. the autistic need for pressure satisfied by this prescription pushing on my brain #and I can feel the cogs turning. the wheels and pins and linked gear trains and drive shafts and traction band motors.#all the parts of my brain churning around and I can't get close because the heat from my motor makes my hood hot to the touch.#I burn your hand as you try and press your palm against my flanks.#only think saddle and tack make contact. strict guidelines and harsh rules to govern me.#when I am free I buck and I shift gait and I drag you under too-low branches #also. compared to Hannibal I can basically listen to criminal minds as a podcast. none of the visuals really contribute anything to the show #like. feels very shallow

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stillfruit · 2 months ago

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i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!

#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this #i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked #so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage #could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better #my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real #otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking #spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc #what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active #so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible #without spiking my hr to zone 4 #so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything #i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards #outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is #i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me #based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not #some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works #but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again #because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now #i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog #but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less #i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis #so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important #this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty #shit talking

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chickenstrangers · 1 year ago

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genuinely feel like i've forgotten how to rewatch things just like as a comfort show. every time i've rewatched a show recently it takes me at least 3 times as long to watch because i have so many thoughts and need to write them down and reflect on them and screenshot everything

#not complaining i like meta whether or not i actually end up writing it #but i've been stuck on episode 8 of not me for a week because every scene keeps being back to back one of the best scenes of all time #and i need to stop it and take a walk #thinking about the way the nature of art and activism and hopelessness #and yet the unstoppable drive of humans to do something about it #and how the camera moves & captures its subject and how it exposes them and how they look at each other and recognize something in eachothe #i have cried THREE times this episode about the CAMERA work #every time i rewatch things my brain goes into essay mode #because the first time watching i was just bingeing most of the time #it is much less stressful this time around with how bad they are at all their plans tho so that is a nice thing for me #rambling rambles

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buoyantsaturn · 2 months ago

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I don’t know why but I’m thinking about baby driver au and it has me smiling like an idiot on public transportation

believe me I think about baby driver au all the time. this message in the solangeloweek server is on my mind 24/7

will: nico took showed an inch of skin and I swear I almost swooned. what is this, some Jane austen novel? I'm gonna get a flash of his ankle and they're going to have to send me away to the seaside for my health

#every day i think of what i could have done to improve that au and the biggest things I've been able to think of are #nico wearing driving gloves to 1. enhance his own perceived coolness and mysteriousness and 2. to hide more burns #and also Nico having severe nerve damage and since he drives around all the time nobody would notice but on the off chance that he has to #walk or stand a bunch he uses mobility aids <3 #also i should've done more about Will being afraid of paps and stuff but that was less important than enemies to lovers #ask #ember #baby driver au #this au single handedly convinced so many people that this is the plot of the movie baby driver which is not true

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starlene · 3 months ago

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starting to feel really complicated about the upcoming Finnish production of Moulin Rouge!

#like. on the one hand I'm of course looking forward to it #but on the other hand. well. it's just that this is hardly my first rodeo.#I've seen some of my all-time favourite productions being redone by other theatres before and they're never as good #(with the possible exception of the Karlstad/Jönköping Les Mis I guess)#(but that was all about Alex being my fav + Philip Jalmelid delivering the most out of this world rendition of Stars I'll ever hear)#and then I'm just very prejudiced against the theatre that's staging the Finnish MR!#with one notable exception every musical I've seen on their big stage has felt... just a little bit soulless to me I guess #maybe it's just because that stage is so big and it always feels like theatre set up in an airplane hangar #or maybe it's because the type of audience they attract almost always gives off a certain slightly detached vibe #or maybe it's something about the way they work itself #or maybe it's all three!#but I'm a little worried that though it's by the same director the Finnish MR! experience simply won't compare favorably to the Swedish one #and then there's the weird feeling you get when it comes to these things... or at least *I* get when it comes to these things #if I'm right in my premonitions and I'll walk out thinking it doesn't hold a candle to the Swedish production that is #inevitably Finnish people are going to love the Finnish MR! and praise it because it's a good production no matter what #so then I'll be stuck in that weird mood #where I'll feel like everyone around me is watching the shadow and I'm the only person who's been outside the cave to see the Real Musical #and I know it's stuck up and silly to feel that way! and yet #oh man. just please let me see the u/s Zidler and I'll be too happy to even compare the rest of it to Stockholm #anyway!! I guess this is something I'll need to work through myself as a musical fan before I go see it #also maybe some fanart of the Swedish production? I've honestly been too exhausted the entire spring and summer to even think about that #but I'd like to draw something #maybe one day?#Moulin Rouge! posting

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cuntwrap--supreme · 4 months ago

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My dog has been having senior moments, such as randomly forgetting what she's doing or trying to walk into a street, and I've been calling her "Mr. President" when it happens.

Like, "No, Mr. President, we can't walk into oncoming traffic. That's how we get killed!"

#it makes me sad that she's so old. and it's only in the past couple months that she's been doing this.#she's still overall very physically healthy. we go on walks almost every day and as long as she wants to.#and she eats well and takes vitamins and her teeth are kept clean and her claws trimmed and her coat clean #but she's slipping a little mentally #she's 11 which is old as hell for a dog her size. the vet said golden retriever mixes (which is what i assume she is) usually live to 10.#and she's not even started going white too much. just around her snoot and a little on her paws.#so when i take her in the vet always assumes she's like 6 #but I've had this crusty old lady since shortly before i was even legally an adult #and I'm scared for when she does die because my other dog dying damn near made me commit suicide #and like I've said. I've had her a lot longer.#if she were a person she'd be going into middle school. like.#and she's had her share of weird health things. she's had a thyroid issue since she was 4. she has a weird skin condition.#she's had a couple surgeries and has scars from being attacked by random dogs (not my fault. she's well trained)#she's fallen a couple times recently but the vet says that's normal for her age #she went blind then wasn't blind and is going blind again #her hearing is starting to get shit too #I'm just so worried about her. this dog is a person to me. she's more real than my family in my mind.#and my cat is cool and all. but she's not a people. she's just a cat.#i guess the best i can hope for her is she lives the rest of her life comfortably and can die peacefully in her sleep #i think I'd completely come unglued from reality if i lost another dog to surprise everything cancer #but that's what I'm most scared of #because it came on so quickly and no one caught it despite me being that person who takes their dogs to the vet over a cough #she's sleeping right now and making goofy ass dog dream sounds. and i know i won't hear that any more sometime soon.#dog #old dog #senior dog #clio #joe biden mention

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vvelegrin · 4 months ago

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another funny thing is how every single thing produced or written by a doctor on something that is not commonly diagnosed is like, come on, we're trying!!!! remember that we're trying!!! if a doctor doesn't have the information you need, it's not necessarily their fault, they're working with whta they have :(((( come oooonnnn, it's probably that doctor's birthday, he's just a little doctor birthday boy. you're going to be mad at him on his birthday? wow. did you know every doctor was born on the same day so when you are mad at one you're mad on ALL of our birthdays? we're trying!!!! remember that we're trying!!!! we don't have the resources!!!! and we're not going to look for them <3

#i wished i lived in this fantasy world where the active resistance of doctors wasn't completely destroying my life #where it was just a matter of not knowing and not active hostility #it's one thing for a doctor to be like oh hm i don't know let me try looking into this or referring you to someone who might know #but 90% of doctors i've dealt with have been like lmao suffer and didn't try anything or refer me anywhere #and even if they DO that they are punished. my current psychiatrist(s) does so much and gets swatted down at every turn #and to be clear the last 10% here tried one (1) thing (basic metabolic workup) and then when it showed nothing were like #okay you are fine 🙏 bye #i do not have very much love for doctors and sorry to bitch about that all the time but as an offshoot of my last post #i cannot complain around my family because then it's like uwu 🥺 did you tell the doctor you have a dog. did you tell him you have a dog.#did you tell the doctor you have a dog this could be a dog allergy did you tell him that you--#shoutout to the doctor who was helpful and then decided that he was done and just going to prescribe claritin #and then didn't even bother to do that when i went by the pharmacy #not that it really matters i already did antihistamines but it was a good try <3 #should we throw a party <3 should we invite the nurse that when i burst into tears said nothing and just walked out <3 #he at least humored me and ordered some more testing but only after making it clear that i was stupid for asking and that he was humoring m #got some of the results back and surprise surprise it's very autoimmune #health

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skullzy20 · 7 months ago

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I am not exaggerating when I say I live with one of the worst cishet men I've ever met in my life and its horrible

Pretty big vent incoming in tags, just a warning. Feel free to scroll past /gen

#sorry i. need to vent #he is genuinely one of the most ignorant; stubborn; and absolutely manchild of a man I've ever seen #I'm not fucking lying when I say he gets pissy and shouts and complains about EVERYTHING #and I don't mean just occasional shouting and getting loud #whenever he's upset. its /loud/. very loud #first time in my 5 years of knowing him I had enough and snapped back at him because he was yelling at me-#-bc I supposedly do absolutely nothing around the house and I take horrible care of myself and dont care about anything #at least in regards to the house #and complains about why I'm deciding not to go to college and that he got a job at 15 while he's literally #in his mid 40's #so.#like.#I told him I'm still 18 and I dont want him to boss around my entire fucking life but he brought up the excuse again of-#-him doing all the shit I SHOULD be doing by his words when he was 15 #first of all. like. to get things straight; we are not related at all not even in the slightest #he's my mothers bf; I don't know why he gets so pissy at me about MY life of all things #like Jesus Christ shut up challenge impossible #yeah I had a fun (/s) moment earlier where I went to clean my dish and he started to snap at me about how I-#-walk past the dishes every day while they're piled up and I should do them. meanwhile. they're literally not mine. ever #I get it yeah but. whatever. he kept going onn and on and on and got even more upset with me literally not saying or doing anything to-#-provoke him more #Ig he just doesn't know that!! wow!! I do actually care about my life and future!!!!#and that getting a job is not that easy or the same as it was 30+ fucking years ago!! wow!! who would've guessed!!!!#Like genuinely i am literally trying to get a job rn and shit and have been stressing horribly about it for literal YEARS #but yeah ignore that I guess ok sure buddy #god sorry i.. really hate him. a lot #I dont like to hate on people really; esp if im accustomed to them. but him. he. no <3 #I will say I hate him w my full chest #vent #negative post

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screambirdscreaming · 8 months ago

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ok this is a long fucking shot but does anyone out here know anything about. Allergies but rather than having itchy runny-nose symptoms you just feel systemically like shit. Like fatigue, nausea, vague headache, moderate-to-severe excercise intolerance, that sort of thing. But correlated to like, pollen exposure. Or just air quality in general?

The best ballpark diagnosis I have is asthma, but I've never actually had An Asthma Attack so I don't know if that's.... right. And even if it is, I can't really find good research or resources on managing systematic effects of asthma at this like... non-acute, non life-threatening severity.

Sometimes with weird medical shit like this, there's information that exists if only you can find the right keyword to search.... maybe somebody's got something?

Or even just, it'd be nice to hear if anyone elae deals with this and I'm not, like, completely insane*

*for this. other insanity unspecified.

#every day for the last week I've woken up and my immediate first thought has been #Ugh i wanna take a nap #Not even like “i didn't sleep enough I want to sleep longer”#But like. I need a completely different kind of sleep. That makes me rested.#In a way that neither sleeping or any type of restful activity or non-activity I've tried has accomplished.#fatigue is stupid!! It sucks!!#And every time I have had a bit of energy I've immediately totally overdone it and fucked myself up #Because I'm BORED I'm TIRED of being too fucking tired to do anything!!#Finally just put together today that it might be the same goddamn allergies that always get me #At this time of year.#After going outside to walk around in the sun and look at plants (always good for my brain)#And getting lightheaded and short of breath #So that's super cool and completely unhelpful. I already take daily allergy meds #And they help! But only so much #I've tried an inhaler and corticosteroid spray but the side effects suck #So it's just. Untreatable unless it gets bad enough for the side effects to be worth it I guess?#I feel like I should be more grateful it's not more severe.#I know a lot of people have it worse.#But it's frustrating also to be stuck in a place where it's not bad enough to *do* anything about #Ugh sorry this is very long and self-involved #And i will possibly delete it in a minute #I just gotta yell into the void here

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