#and every single therapist I've had will be like okay! same time next month? sounds good!

[bonesandpoemsandflowers]

One young buck I know, blue collar and Latino, went to therapy due to being justifiably very stressed about everything (deported parent, shit wages, unstable home life) and the therapist asked him some variant on intent to harm (no) and do you have access to weapons and because he didn't come from the kind of background where therapists go easy on you and you've been coached to lie because everybody you know goes to therapy and everyone openly talks about how they lie except they don't even consider it lying it's just the context for how things are done--

anyway he said something like "well, not me but all my homies are strapped," and he was involuntarily committed and lost his well paying oil field job and generally had a hellish time and lost years of life progress. and was, you know. depressed and traumatized by the experience.

so yeah, useless at worst...if you're the right class and race and gender and you talk good. otherwise? all bets are off.

i do think therapy recommenders on here wildly irresponsibly downplay its potential risks lmao starting obviously w/ the threat of psych and criminal institutionalisation which is structurally inherent to the patient-physician relationship but also the maybe more mundane risk of simply receiving treatment that is bad for you and counterproductive. i do not know where the idea came from that therapy is 'at worst useless'. at worst it fucks you up majorstyle

[wizardsaur]

I've been struggling a lot lately. Which is fine. This is tumblr and I'm allowed to be myself on here.

I'm self diagnosed autistic, please don't come at me about this. The story's kind of funny, but I've been repeatedly peer reviewed by a over a dozen formally diagnosed autistics - in vastly different scenarios - and they all tag me within 20 minutes. Up to this point, I've managed life with whatever brain spicy... and nowadays, I feel like I have my needs met most of the time.

Which is to say, I was okay never getting diagnosis for it I live in the US and Ableism is a massive fucking problem here. I advocated, I stood with my folks. And I was proud to be a support for folks with higher needs than me.

Something is different about me, and I thought for sure I knew what it was. I figured I'd just have to work harder than all the normies for a "Normal" life. I was willing to make that work.

But now... my body doesn't stop hurting. An old friend, the first "pretty sure you're autistic" friend and I had gotten back in touch lately. I truly wanted to be friends again, because our lives kinda fell apart at the same time way back when. We didn't get a chance to really be friends, we were just sad in the same close knit circle.

So I asked her, "You have this disorder, right? This set of disorders that tend to exist together for some fucking reason..... can I give you a list of shit that's been happening lately, and you tell me if I'm crazy?"

My symptoms, as well as a million other little symptoms that put me in the: "I'm pretty sure I have hEDS and POTS, because this has been my entire life.... it's just NEVER been this bad before."

I'm starting to need mobility aids, I'm slowing down. I need to wear braces now, and I can't keep acting like that isn't the case. It's been getting bad since like, late June - and then something clicked when I tried to quit my job.

My boss is a dick and I'm an overworked overachiever. I tried to walk out quit on him, out of the blue. When we were already understaffed, I might add (and had been, for months). I got back from a road trip Sunday, and went back to work - hoping things would be better..... and it was still a shitshow. Wednesday, I decided I was leaving on my day off - Thursday.

The motherfucker got me to stay. I made a 50 year old man cry, and he got me to stay. It was desperate, and it sounded so sincere, and he promised things would change... it's been a month. His supervisor shows up next week, and her higher up too. I stayed. I believed him....

Saturday night, I'm moving slow. Everything hurts like it did on the road trip. But now it's worse, and nothing's going away like it used to. And suddenly, I remember- things aren't supposed to hurt all the time. The usual amount of pain, is no pain.

Monday at lunch... I couldn't hold a fork. I ugly cried in the break room. A customer passed me to get to the bathroom and hugged me - I don't know her name. I'm 27. I was sobbing in a stranger's hug for a minute. (Whoever you are, if you see this, thank you.)

I went to the doctor, and have been taken seriously about my hEDS & POTS concern ever since. It's only been a few weeks, and I hope I'm not jinxing it... but. Doctors and therapists have heard me, and replied: "How did you not face this sooner? That is very likely your issue. Let's direct you to the right resources."

Which is WILDLY FUCKING DIFFERENT from every single other experience I've ever read or heard from anyone else. Maybe for once, things will work the way they need to. The way they should in a perfect society. And either I'll get diagnosed as hEDS with POTS, or I won't and we can find out what the issue really is. Because I'm in chronic pain, and it fits the bill unnervingly well.

The wild thing, is my life tends to completely shift gears every yea or two- over a few weeks. In absolutely bananas story ways. I had an apocalypse vision once, lost everything a month later.

I can't help but wonder if there's some big Universal Life Test built into this experience. But I moved my altar. And I'm finishing a journal. I feel like next month will be the start of my Real Adult Life. It's hard to explain. I'm very lucky to be having a Good Side to this whole situation.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 43 - watching notes

The sun is setting on this show for me and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet 😔

(As if I will! Ha. Imma blog about nothing else the next ... probably years)

Last time on Sophie watches the untamed: We're still in the restricted section. The twin love-struck idiots of lan and wwx found the Collection of turmoil and suspect Jin Guangyao of intentionally bringing about Nie Mingjue's qui deviation.

As much as I love the "hihi. Wwx is wearing his boyfriend's underrobe" aspect of this, I also like the visual incorporation of lwj's colour scheme into wwx's clothes. (Not just through the undertone, his black tone also has slight grey seam.) It's as if now that they are finally fully committed to each other, wwx is displaying it for all the world to see

Jin Guangyao tore out a page to hide the evidence. That's not how to do that!!!

My heart is breaking for Lan Xichen. He looks like a man standing on a train track and watching the light speed towards him in horror while he's unable to move away

Feels like exactly no one on this show is getting their happy ending

*thinks about yi city and cries forever*😭😭😭

"Wangji, Jin Guangyao,in my eyes, is a totally different person from how you and other people see him." And we all know that lwj knows exactly what that's like

PARALLELS! 😭

(Sorry, I have a thing for those)

And lwj looks so pained

Thinking about it, it's now the man lwj loves against the man lxc loves (in whatever way. I still ship them. Not sure if its "canonically" romantic though). They can't both be right, so ... one of them is going to get their heart broken

Great, first the Yunmeng brothers, now the lan brothers are breaking my heart 🥺

Lwj says he's visiting "Grand Master", that's Lan Qiren right? What happened to him anyway? Haven't seen him in ages

I love how, even though it is wwx's word against jgy's right now, lan Xichen is still genuinely kind towards wwx

The whipping scars! I hadn't even thought about those anymore 😳

I'm probably going to get my heart ripped out soon, but before that

"You are not qualified to talk to me."

Sickest. Burn. Ever.

Also, no disrespect to the actor, but that's a backpfeifengesicht if I've ever seen one

(Backpfeifengesicht: "German compound word for a 'face that should be slapped'. Ex:. When GWB smirks on TV, my German friend Uwe tells me that he sees a 'Backpfeifengesicht'." Urban dictionary)

He went to burial mount after wwx was killed??? 🥺🥺🥺

I've noticed something with lwj. When he's distressed, he won't look people in the eye or not even at their faces, just in their very general direction. To me it seems like he almost... can't? Any thoughts on that? Cause I'm intrigued but I can't think about it too much right now cause I'm already writing half an essay in this commentary again 😅

Oh fuck YOU Jiggy!!!

Holy shit ... holy shit

Lan Wangji 🥺🥺🥺

He fought against everyone?

This is how he showed his grieve???

He went to the place wei Wuxian had called home and ... what? Protected or ot so they wouldn't desecrate it? To search for him? To ... what?

Oh god, Wangji! 😭

That image... I'm speechless. It's so powerful

He's half-mad with grieve and kneeling in the ruins of his dead loves home, having fought himself to exhaustion and I'm... not okay 😭😭😭

He had to repent for THREE YEARS??

Oh no, you don't

Holy ...

Holy shit

How can my heart break and be so full at the same time 💔🥺

Lan Wangji ... my love

I'm ... so proud of him and yet so sad

Here he is at his lowest, finally standing up to the orthodoxy he knows to be wrong

This is inhumane 😳

The corporal punishment of the lan sect always was but THIS

Fuck them

Or Lan Qiren specifically

That's his nephew. How can he even look at himself?

"Eradicate evil. Establish laws. Than goodness will be everlasting."

IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!!!

WHAT EVEN IS "GOODNESS"? WHOSE VERSION OF GOODNESS? DEVINE EVIL! HOW FAR REACHING INTO THE PRIVATE SVERE SHOULD THUSE LAWS BE? DOES IT STOP AT "DON'T STEAL FROM PEOPLE OR AT "DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE AT DINNER"?

what I'm saying is: there are about 200 ethical question ls being raised by this rule alone!

And now lan Wangji had 3 tears to contemplate them

Wwx asking "why would he bother ...?" BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!

Ohhh! We're getting their parents' story 😱

Oh this IS a Lan episode 💙

So another Lan falling quickly and never looking back?

I'm sensing a pattern here 🤨

Wait what?

Let me get this straight:

Their father loved a woman who DID NOT love him back and then killed one of his teachers

(And I hope we find out why. That sounds like there is a REALLY interesting story there)

Then he takes her to cloud recess and DESPIT HER NOT LOVING HIM, marries her, fathers two children with her (um... how voluntary was that????) locks her up (as punishment for the murder?) then locks HIMSELF up and then fucks of and leaves his children with their uncle

What kind of disaster human being was their dad????

Did he do the right thing WHEN HE MARRIED AND PROBABLY RAPED A WOMAN WHO DIDN'T LOVE HIM???

NO!!!

The fuck kinda question is that ??

If you have to marry her against her will and then lock her up, guess what? That's not love, that's wanting to possess someone

I hope that maybe the connotation is different in the og Chinese,but I'm not holding out much hope

That explains why Qiren is such a lovely character through 😒

But god, my heart breaks for lwj and lxc :'(

Little Lan Wangji!!! 🥺🥺🥺

Oh darling ...

Oh no ...

Look at him look at his crooked little headband😭😭😭

He went there every month!!!

Oh Wangji 💔💔

Stubborn, steadfast, loving Wangji!

That seals it. I KNEW why he was my favourite character

He isn't so passive all the time, because he feels too little! He feels entirely too much!!! 😭😭😭

And that explains why lwj was so worried about wwx's demonic cultivation harming him!!! 😭

Oh god, it was such an old hurt for him. I had no idea 🥺🥺🥺

All of these characters need a therapist

Lxc playing the flute to what ... deal with his emotions? Express his grieve? Remeber their mother? (And god, do I want to know more about her!!) Either way, It's making me tear up 😥

"It's so difficult to determine others personalities depending on our perspective." Welcome to the human condition, my friend 💙

And that's love

I ... wish I could show you my face right now

I'm smiling through tears right now

It's so utterly beautiful

He looks so vulnerable here! With his hair (almost) down

And given what we've just learned, that's remarkable!!!

He closed himself off became the immovable stone-faced second Jade of Lan and yet, somehow, wwx wormed his way into his heart and sure, both of them needed to overcome a lot, but here they are, vulnerable and open,not letting their parent's fate decide theirs

I'm... *sniff*

I can never get enough of lwj with his hair like this!!

It's so domestic, so soft

And look at his face! 😭

And mister "alcohol is prohibited" is now serving it 😭

Oh my god this scene is so beautiful

I'm speechless

Was the second flute Jin Guangyao as well?

At this point I'm just expecting more plot-twists

He looks so young! 🥺

Both of them are exhibiting so much growth in this episode!! Wwx realising that the fact that the cultivation world had always looked for a scapegoat and that he himself was just the most convenient target, that it's not to any personal failing of his, that's HUGE!

And I'm so proud of him :')

Lwj starting to play in the distance :')

This is so utterly peaceful

My heart is bursting 😭😭😭

The music, the scenery ...

Also, both thinking they have a clean conscious!!! 😭😭😭

Again, it's them holding the same morals that's important! I cannot tell you how happy that makes me!

(But wwx still cannot drink like a normal person :D)

The contrast to lxc sitting alone couldn't be starker 😔

Wait, why are there puppets at burial mounds again?

Are we going back to burial mounds? I'm weirdly excited 😅

Aaand Jin Guangyao just proved to them that he's lying. Poor Xichen

Yup, I'm pretty sure his heart just snapped in half

Little Apple!!! I've missed him 😁

Gosh, they're laying it on thick with the domestic husband bliss this episode and I'm here for it.

I love lwj's soft smile when he looks at bunnies so much!! 🥰

Bunnies, bunnies everywhere

It's the invasion of the bunnies

Who ever is the show runner *banging pots and pans together* IT'S GAY!! cab you all hear me? These two love each other! It's G - A - Y!!! Gay!!!

Probably

Lwj's shocked look when wwx says that he's not popular with little animals, as if to say "how dare they!" :D

Holy shit ... HOW MANY SCENES CAN THEY INCLUDE IN THIS EPISODE THAT MAKE THEM LOOK SO GODDAMN MARRIED???

Is wwx sitting side saddle?

Wwx plays wangxian :')

He finally remembers how lwj recognized him :')

Sneaky, show, very sneaky :D

Wwx about to casually steal some melons, lwj *wordlessly takes out money* ^^

MIANMIAN!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!

I'd given up hope that we'd see her again!!!

I'm so happy I could burst!!!

Lwj's little exasperated head-shake before he stands up from crouching behind some hay 😂

Aww, look at her family! 😍😍😍

She build her own live :')

And look at this badass woman protecting the ones she loves!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WEI WUXIAN??? You don't remember her???

You better remember my wife!!!

Aaand another freeze frame. But I'm willing to forgive it because THIS EPISODE WAS SO GODDAMN BRILLIANT!

It made me realise why I was so drawn to lan Wangji as a character. Of course he is mu favourite character! He ticks every single box

Let me explain. My favourite characters almost always share the following characteristics: seems either cold and distant or ethereal and aloof, as if they are above such puny human things like feelings™️(bonus if they're actually not human and their argument is "I'm [insert species]. We can't feel [insert emotion they are definetly feeling very strongly]"). then, over the course of the story, we (along with they themselves because they were in denial) discover that it's not that they feel too little, they feel entirely too much. They're a sea of emotions so deep that the surface is calm, but don't you dare be near them when the storm is coming because all hell will break loose. (extra bonus point if that storm involves them rebelling against the oppressive society they were born into and adhered to until then because they realise their consciousness won't allow it any longer.) afterwards they realise that making themselves vulnerable once in a while is actually a good thing and they proceed to fuck the Rebel™️ who they've secretly been in love with the entire time, a feeling they only now allow themselves to act on

The last part sadly isn't always canon, but who has ever had time for that?

You know what this episode made me realise most of all? The Lan sect are just as human as the rest of them. In fact, they seem to be especially prone to acting rashly on strong emotions. (I don't remember the exact story, but didn't the founder of the Lan sect also have some kind of tragic love story?) It should be obvious, but the impression you get is that they are so detached from their wants, so rigorous and disciplined in their righteousness, that they are almost super-human. But no. Thise 3000 and some rules? They weren't born out of some enlightened mind that had the secret of live figures out, they're a crutch. Abiding by them without question rids one of responsibility to make even the tiniest moral choice for oneself. But that won't work because a) they're bounty to contradict each other at some point and b) that's not how human beings work. They're messy and unpredictable and beautifully complicated. The way Lan Qiren choses to apply them, he completely disregards that. At that point, the rules aren't there anymore to grant a harmonious society, but simply for their own sake. (Or maybe as a wall to hide behind)

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose

I think this liveblog has been the longest so far. I'm sorry for going on so many tangents, but lwj's backstory hit me really hard. I hope you guys weren't too bored 💚

(I also apologise for the mountains of typos that probably accumulated in this post. I'm too tired to check.)

[lunalullylove-blog]

Life begins except for everyone else I've been alive for 30 years.

I wish I could go back in time. To my teenage years, when my mom and dad were getting divorced and I could tell my teenager self that "it is okay to want to be a girl in fact you are a girl, it is okay to let her out now".

Well that teenage girl was trapped, she wanted out but the only ways I would allow her to be outside was when I played games online back when that meant Ragnarok Online or WoW.

Being a girl online felt right to 15 year old me. I loved when people treated me like a girl. I would never pretend to be a girl, I would just act naturally and it was always the case. Obviously things started to get bad psychologically speaking.

I would go to school and be bullied for having girly preferences. I stopped wanting to go to school, fortunately I met a couple of people along the way that allowed me to get through it all, but just barely.

The routine was pretty much set in stone for my brain. Go out, do whatever, come back as fast as I could, log in. That's when anime and Forums became more popular. YouTube was still very recent too. Not too popular here in Brazil still.

I've met a lot of people that would accept me the way I was. A young naive girl stuck in a boy's body, trying to ignore that fact. Around the 2006s there was no positive talk about trans people. We were either crazy or perverted men prostitutes.

Even the internet wasn't as mature back then.

Well my mom married a second time to her childhood friend and my dad just left the picture entirely.

That's when the shit got really bad. I had no permission to be myself in the house. Not because of my mom, but my stepfather. He was someone I didn't know. Someone I wasn't fully comfortable around. Plus he hates Japanese pop culture and was a homophobe.

I know, it sounds like a horror story. Well, that's because it was. I was pressured to find a job, to study and join a college. I had to pay for the college however. With 19 I tried to suicide the first time. I was a mess.

My mom asked my uncle if he could give me a job, so I took it. "It's the best for me" I would chant to myself as I boarded the packed bus for my daily an hour and a half commute.

There the work was maintenance assistant so I pretty much did everything they asked me. Of course being an uninformed person, my superior would make fun of me for being girly. I had to endure it for 2 years. I snapped one day and went home crying. I had no idea exactly why, my brain was in a state of turmoil. Nothing made sense. I had to try to fit in - I was told by my parents. College wasn't different. I gave up and made depts.

I had some relationships that ended in disaster because I was always sad, I barely spoke a word, I was extremely emotionally dependent. That was around 2010.

I became a robot. I parrot of society. I couldn't tell at the time but I was basically trying so hard to live a life as someone I wasn't that to this day I still have blanks.

I closed myself to my feelings and the girl was buried alive under those feelings of hopelessness and fear. She began to fade from my memory alongside my memories of me playing house with my cousin, or me being the girl in every other situation I had the chance when I was a child.

...

It's 2015, I'm 26 years of age working at a game publisher (I know right?? ♡). Still something was wrong. I lost interest in waking up early after 3 years working there. I'm fired. At the same time my girlfriend breaks up with me.

I am now leaving in a cubicle, with no way to pay the expensive rent. I have no one to support me emotionally. I'm lost.

I hang myself with a belt. Fortunately the belt buckle broke and I was tossed back onto the horrible bed.

I had to tell my mom that I had lost the job again. She took me in once again. But this time I was broken. My stepfather at this point is stuck to a wheelchair due to his multiple sclerosis. My mom has to work and take care of him. Having me home was bad and I knew it would be really bad.

At first she supported my therapist and psychiatrist. I started taking meds to treat my now diagnosed ADHD. It got better, I was developing more sense of self, the decluttering of my brain was progressing. I could see it but there was something missing.

3 years living with my mom, unemployed, depressed and needing expensive medication. That's when I saw her hand again. Her beautiful hand sticking out of my brain clutter. With my therapist, we got her back on her feet, shook off all that dirt and I was complete. I found myself within.

I wish that was all, the big quest began because although my mom was supportive at first, her husband and her are now pressuring me to go out, to work in anything to afford the HRT. I'm still depressed however. I fear leaving my room, I hate my image in the mirror. All the body hair. I'm someone I don't recognize.

It honestly feels like waking up. It feels like a time travel. One day I was a cute little girl dressing up and having fun, the next there's some guy looking back at me in the mirror.

I recognize those eyes, lips, nose... But it's all wrong. Where are my breasts? When did this became big? Why do I have the sexual desire of a guy???

I can't go out like this. I don't have a single girl's clothes in my wardrobe.

I wish mom would understand that HRT is the treatment. At least to aliviate my dysphoria. I can't go to find work looking like this. I can't.

I'm stuck now. Hearing my mother tell me she had enough of me being home doing whatever on my PC. She wants me to find a job. But I can't go out without feeling like I'll suffocate in anxiety.

Brazil is a funny country. It's beautiful. Progressive in some areas but absurdly regressive in others. To top things off with a cute little bow... even though I'm told by my mother that I'm not looking for work, I actually am. Just so I can afford my undies and makeup not to mention the HRT.

In Brazil, the worker's laws are very punitive towards the employer. Which leads to most establishments to hire one person to perform multiple functions.

The paycheck isn't big either. If you convert to US dollars, minimum wage as of the writing of this post is around $350 a month.

It would probably be fine still. I would probably struggle to work an entire month to get that much but at least I would be able to pay to start the HRT which in turn would increase my selfesteeme to keep working.

One day maybe even move over to the US. Which was another recovered dream of mine.

Anyways... this is really long. I thought I wouldn't be able to write about this... It's probably hard to read since most of my memories are still a mess.

With love.

Luna Duarte

Ps: This is face app. I look like a zombie irl.