#and every single one is titled like. the time TUMBLR USERS made a JOKE???????????? and it is So Annoying

[pregstiel]

if i see one more "youtuber with a tumblr account makes fun of tumblr users" video recommended to me i will start to kill and bite

[maxsmusicmacrology]

Artist Profile: Toby Fox

Many of you may be most familiar with Toby Fox as “the guy who made Undertale”, or maybe as “the guy who made Megalovania”. The latter is actually a surprisingly useful way to think of the man, as the journey of Megalovania is wound very closely to the journey of Toby Fox. Just trust me on this part.

In the mid 00’s, Fox was a teenager frequenting Starman.net, a popular forum for the game EarthBound and the other titles in the Mother series, under the username “Radiation”. He created two ROM hacks of the game, releasing the first one in 2006, but his much more successful and influential hack was the EarthBound Halloween Hack, a submission to a 2008 Halloween-themed competition run by Starman.net.

After Fox rose to popularity, he went on to say that he’s not very proud of the hack, and in a deleted 2016 tweet he referred to it as a “bad rom hack with swears”. Having played through it, it’s an apt description- several of the fights are incredibly unbalanced and the villain drops a few slurs- but I don’t believe the hack should be entirely written off either.

In 2008, hacking new music into EarthBound was incredibly difficult, so both composing original music using the EarthBound soundfont and getting it to play in the game was an impressive achievement. While the game certainly has the usual Halloween aesthetic, full of pumpkins and zombies and ghosts, the real horror of the game is psychological, creating a much more fascinating story than a traditional halloween slasher. The final villain is consumed by grief after the death of his son and the estrangement of his wife, becoming a broken man who turns to violence— which are the exact same themes that would later be explored through Asgore when Fox would go on to make Undertale.

Anyway, this was the first and original appearance of Megalovania.

In 2009, Andrew Hussie launched his webcomic Homestuck on mspaintadventures.com, his fourth and final work to be published on the site. It ran until ending 2016 (with Epilogues launching a few years later), and is best known for having possibly the worst fandom in modern history until people started losing interest in 2013. Its second most notable characteristic is how heavily it embraced its online medium, including not just text and images but also gifs, animations with music, and even little interactive games. Over the comic’s seven year run over 500 pieces were written as part of Homestuck’s discography by a variety of artists, and while only a few dozen were included as part of the comic, all of them were made available online through Bandcamp under the Homestuck umbrella.

Toby Fox joined the music team in 2010 with two contributions to the comic’s fourth album, and from there he went on to be their most prolific contributor. From 2010-2016 Homestuck published roughly 90 of Fox’s songs, and he also hosted and managed a contest that led to nearly 60 fan contributed pieces being published. After Homestuck ended, Toby Fox went on to be one of the composers for the various spin off titles: Hiveswap Act One, Hiveswap Friendsim, and Pesterquest, so it seems he has no intent to leave the Homestuck universe anytime soon.

Undertale’s soundtrack was highly praised through its use of leitmotifs (and trust me, I’ll be talking about that plenty later on), but some of his tracks written for Homestuck make even better use of their motifs and reach some fairly complex heights. This video goes through Descend, which ended up during a critical moment during the early comic, and lists the twenty seven songs sampled during.

Of course, these aren’t just empty motifs for fun. The characters introduced thus far all have various themes associated with them, each motif bringing to mind the characters, their factions, and their histories. This is musical storytelling done through completely instrumental songs, and it is fantastically done. Several of his tracks do this, Jade’s medium entrance theme Umbral Ultimatum samples three songs she’d already appeared in, and his final track for the comic’s main run was a glorious melody of several prior battle themes.

Anyway, in 2010 he published the second appearance of MeGaLoVania, which was used during the [S] Wake animation and appeared on a 2011 album.

In 2012, Toby Fox contributed to an EarthBound fan album called “I miss you”, organized by bandcamp user sleepytime Jesse. He contributed four tracks, including Fallen Down (which would later feature in Undertale) and a remix of Megalovania. This isn’t a major milestone in his career like his EarthBound hacks or Homestuck, but I think it says a lot that he loves EarthBound and its community so much that he’d compose songs for a small fan album.

In 2015, Undertale came out and took the internet by storm. Like it or hate it, it was everywhere you looked for a while, from every gaming channel covering it to endless quoting on Reddit or Tumblr. Fox made the majority of the game himself, which of course includes making the soundtrack. There are a total of one hundred and one songs, and it would not surprise me if every single one of them (except Megalovania) was tied to all the others through some web of samples, remixes, and motifs.

Oh yeah, the third version of Megalovania is here, once again featuring as a final battle theme.

Once again, Fox uses motifs expertly as a form of storytelling. Let’s take a look at the track ASGORE, which is entirely created from other songs. The opening is bergentrückung, the intro theme that plays before the battle starts. That flows into Heartache, the battle theme of his ex-wife Toriel, showing that even after she left him, she’s still important enough to be part of his main theme. It also includes the Game Over theme, guiding the player to remember that it was his voice encouraging to continue playing when they failed, urging them forward only to reach him, as well as Undyne’s theme, who looks up to and idolizes him without knowing the truth of who he is.

The entire game is like this. If the player decides to turn evil, they gain a genocide motif that appears in some of the genocide-only bosses. The true final boss is foreshadowed through His Theme during important moments. Undyne and Alphys end up dating in the true ending, and in the genocide run Undyne resurrects herself from the brink of death while Alphys’s melody plays.

Fox’s music makes itself special by being so connected. His songs call back and call forward to other songs, making each of them important in some way or another. The Homestuck and Undertale soundtracks feel holistic, they’re not just “songs that happen to be written by the same guy”, they’re united soundtracks where every song has a greater meaning than just the scene they play over. Hell, even the Homestuck and Undertale soundtracks reference each other, and not just through Megalovania. Another Medium from the latter soundtrack samples Doctor from the former, and the final battle theme Collide samples Death By Glamour.

He’s currently working on his new game Deltarune, the first chapter of which (and its soundtrack) are available for free on PC and various consoles. The music already slaps, and I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Anyway, the fourth and (as of now final) version of Megalovania was included into none other than Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, added into the game alongside a Sans costume for Mii fighters.

This, in my opinion, is nothing short of incredible. Toby Fox went from a Nintendo fan who made a “bad rom hack with swears” for a game he liked, and now his music is appearing in one of the largest gaming franchises of all time. Shoot for the stars, everyone.

I think this is the part where I’m supposed to give a track listing, but come on, you’ve been reading. 90 Homestuck tracks and 101 Undertale tracks, plus everything before and after and in between. Fortunately, his page on the Undertale wiki has his entire discography listed, so I’m going to take the easy way out and link that.

https://undertale.fandom.com/wiki/Toby_Fox#Discography

He has done and has planned a few other projects, but I think the right place to end off is by mentioning his contribution to Pokemon Sword and Pokemon Shield, the Battle Tower theme. This is notable not only for being an awesome song that he composed for a massive franchise, but because it samples one of his early contributions to the Homestuck fandom. I am of course talking about The Baby Is You, an “opera” he wrote as a fan contribution to protest forum rules, which was subsequently banned from even being mentioned on said forum. Not only is this another example of all Fox’s projects fitting in with each other, it’s also a nearly decade-old callback to an obscure edgy joke he made and then hid as an easter egg (or an afikoman for you Jewish folk) in an official Nintendo title.

And I think that’s beautiful.

[janiedean]

Bro the Queen thing was just for a laugh lol let gay people make jokes

bro, if you had said ‘let gay people make jokes that make them sound like four year olds that just found out kindergarten exists’ I could have taken you seriously, but since you still can’t get into your thick performative activist heads that it’s not funny for anyone except maybe the three of you, I’ll explain you a few brief facts:

one: ¾ths of queen are straight so assuming they wouldn’t understand song they wrote and played (beyond somebody to love) already shows that you haven’t thought this joke through;

two: freddie mercury made a goddamned point to not make his sexuality a selling point or the only part of him people would be interested in when listening to his *music*, so your dumb jokes are something he would most likely fucking hate;

three: sorry to break it to you, but with all the sales queen had, going statistically, I can assure you more than half of their fanbase is straight, so congrats on assuming millions of people don’t get the bands they like;

four: music is an extremely subjective thing that tells different things to different people regardless of the original target of the song. I’ve seen articles titled ‘how I, a lesbian person, realized springsteen’s music wasn’t just for male cishet middle-aged guys’ in which people said that to them, a song that’s blatantly about a guy who killed someone and hightails it out of town and hopes that the border patrol doesn’t stop him, felt like it was about wanting to leave somewhere you had to stay in the closet and felt suffocated because you couldn’t come out. now, that’s nowhere near the original meaning of the song, but if for the lesbian author that related on that level… who the hell am I to make posts like ‘lesbians don’t understand springsteen songs’? spoilers: no one;

five: one reasons queen actually made it big was that their songs are actually very much relatable on a bunch of different levels and as I explained some ass who made jokes about how *straights* wouldn’t get I want to break free (written by a straight man btw but I see that now at least y’all are having the decency to pick songs that freddie wrote to throw shade at the straights TM, huh?), just that ONE song can be relatable for, FOR EXAMPLE, people with depression, people stuck in a phase of their life they hate, someone getting over a bad relationship and lgbt people who want to come out. and the lyrics to I want to break free are hardly extra complicated or difficult or obscure. of course then you have borap which no one still understands and freddie refused to explain but like… it’s IT CAN BE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT regardless of whether their lyrics are obscure or the entire contrary. that was what made queen sell the number of records they did - because they make songs people can relate to, genius;

six: the fact that your ***joke*** assumes straight people can’t in any way shape or form conceive a life where they feel like they’ll be forever alone and no one will love them or they will never find a relationship says all about how **funny** it is because it implies dehumanizing an entire category of people and assuming they don’t have feelings or can’t conceive what y’all go through, which then turns into People On This Hellsite sending straight people TM the worst kind of bullshit and vile anons just because since we have no feelings and we’re supposed to take all your dumb unfunny jokes then it’s fine. idk, since I’ve been here according to you I should have laughed at:a) people telling me at thirty I was too old for anything and I should look for a husband and get married already;b) people telling me I was a homophobe/half of this dumbass website blocking me on sight for informing y’all that straight women find men sexually attractive as a general rule - no, really;c) someone telling me once that they hoped I’d find someone I would trust implicitly and give all of myself to in bed just to have them tell me the moment after we’re done that I was ugly and unlovable and I deserved to die alone;e) being called a bitch/homophobe an insane amount of times for pointing out that straight women who don’t look standard attractive have issues;f) people questioning why I went to therapy because I happen to relate to a character in a straight ship that they hated and the reasons why I went are Issues That Character Has.that was just the first six instances I could think of because they were personal but I assure you, your rhetoric about straight people TM being dehumanized aliens who hate y’all isn’t helping literally anyone;

seven: as someone who has fucking struggled with years with the issues the somebody to love narrator has (I did look at the mirror and felt horrible/almost cried when I was a teenager, I did wake up each morning feeling like shit for half of my time in uni, I’ve been struggling with managing initiating contact with other people since high school fucked me up in that sense, I’ve been told that I could never be attractive enough to find someone who’d love me and that I was too brainy or ugly or extra or threatening for men to even look at me and so on) and who has always found that song immediately relatable which is why, surprise surprise, out of all the songs freddie mercury wrote on his own for this band - not counting the march of the black queen but that’s another story - somebody to love is absolutely my single favorite and has always been since the second I heard it, because to me it was relatable at seventeen and it’s relatable now, the moment I read that fucking ****joke**** I literally felt a bout of vomit rise up in my throat, my stomach closed up and for a second I felt like crying as your joke was implying that my straightness disqualified me from understanding/liking a song I’ve loved and felt deeply for half of my life, but I suppose that doesn’t mean anything in comparison to the fact that you **gays of tumblr** need to have a laugh at the expense of 85% of the planet and not, idk, homophobes? no, you never say HOMOPHOBES COULDN’T UNDERSTAND QUEEN or whatever the fuck it is, you say straight people can’t. if you don’t see where the fuck is your problem I’d advise you to really go back to kindergarten because usually you realize that other people have feelings at about that age and I have a feeling that if this is your reasoning for saying I should shut up and have a laugh at my own expanse, well, you’re just an asshole;

eight: newsflash, bro, some people use music to cope with just about anything. I’m not the only person I know who has a fairly damned visceral personal relationship with the music she listens to, to the point where I can do the art is not the artist thing np with just about any media except music - I can watch a movie made by a person I despise or whose political views I despise, if I think it’s a good movie, I can’t physically listen to music from people I despise or whose political views I despise. heck, every time my local rock music station airs current lynyrd skynyrd’s music I mute it because their lyrics make me want to hurl and I actually do like the melody half of the time, but I can’t listen to them. and I know people who are way worse than me about this. if you show up basically telling me (or whoever else) that bands we like and helped us through whatever fucking shit life threw at us are now Not A Thing We Can Like Or Understand Anymore you’re being an asshole and for a thing that makes no sense because the beautiful thing about MUSIC in general is that everyone finds the music they like relatable for different fucking reasons even if it’s the same artist and your dumbass attempts at **gatekeeping** bands that existed since before you were born and straight people listened to since before you were born and whose records they bought before you were born is honestly just so fucking ridiculous and really kindergarten-level that if that is what you need to have a laugh I advise you to develop some sense of humor, because you sure as hell ain’t got one.

good enough for you? your joke wasn’t funny. deal with it e stacce.

also: I’m fucking done giving a shit about what kind of dumbass jokes at the expense of **straight people** y’all think is cool to make on here. are we oppressed for being straight? sure af not. but since most straight people on here are actually allies and support your rights and uh, are also human beings that aren’t just useful when you need someone to reblog your info posts informing us that ***straight people can reblog!!! :)))*** underneath after having reblogged your fucking jokes ten minutes earlier, I really don’t give a fuck about your need to have a laugh at the expanse of other people’s feelings and I’m going to reblog all the people telling you that y’all ain’t funny until my fingers fall off.

ps: did you send this message also to the pansexual user who called that dumbass OP on their bullshit before I did? just for science.

pps: grow the fuck up, it’s been time since years and y’all have about played all of your ‘it was just a joke’ cards a hell of a long time ago.

[honeypiehotchner]

dancing on my own -- part one

This is a Rob Benedict/Original Female Character fic, so it’s not in the Reader style you’re probably used to. It’s in first person, and her name is Sarah Williams.

I’ve never posted fics on tumblr before, so this is so new to me. Don’t be shy!

This story is also on AO3! Same title, just QuickCharade as the user. Or by this link. If I’m being honest, I update more frequently on there than usual. I’m hoping I will get better at updating both here and on AO3 at the same time.

Words: 2,547

Summary: Sarah Williams and Rob Benedict used to be absolutely inseparable. Until he started dating. Which, he is definitely allowed to. Only it’s starting to seem like he is doing it to get her attention.

Warnings: mentions of alcoholism (it will be a bigger part of the story, so if it makes you at all uncomfortable, this might not be the story for you), mentions of anxiety, loads of angst. Stay safe, my lovelies.

Seeing him with someone else is not supposed to hurt me like this. He is allowed to date people. He is a grown man, for Christ’s sake.

I’m a grown woman. So why am I so upset by this?

I avert my eyes when he kisses her, the action too intimate for even my pining, self-loathing ass to watch. I fiddle with my fingers, my nails freshly done just yesterday. It was my way of pampering myself before this weekend because convention weekends are never easy with my anxiety. But they’re especially not easy when Rob suddenly decides to bring the woman he’s seeing.

A light touch on my shoulder has me looking up from my hands. My face splits into a grin when I see it’s Briana, and she’s holding a cup of coffee with my name on it.

I nearly squeal from excitement, having not seen her in a month or longer because we’ve both been working like crazy. I hug her tightly around the neck, closing my eyes to savor this moment. She gives the best hugs, if you ask me.

“I missed you. Don’t ever let me get a job ever again.”

She laughs loudly, kissing the side of my head. “You’re sweet. But you have to work.” She hands me my coffee. “But maybe try landing a job closer to me next time? I missed you, too.” She teases me, but I know there is some seriousness in her tone.

“I’ll try,” I nod. “It’s not my fault my hometown has become a filming hotspot.”

“Speaking of, I need details!” She pulls out one of the chairs, plopping herself down in front of me.

“Well, it’s a movie, so that’s different. I’ve never done one before this.”

“That’s exciting, though!”

“Yeah! And it’s nice to be close to home. I’ve had my parents on set one day, and had to babysit my sister the other day because school was out but work wasn’t.”

“Wait. Isn’t she like…15?”

I nod, chuckling. “She is. I think she wanted to come see her big sister on set and just didn’t want to admit it.”

“Mm, that makes more sense,” she smiles.

There’s a lull, and I can practically hear Bri’s next question, so I quickly fill the silence. “It’s really nice,” I blurt. “I’m working with a lot of my friends who aren’t from the city so it’s nice to show them around. I think one of the AD’s called me ‘Atlanta’ for a good week and a half and it just caught on.” I pause to laugh. “It’s so weird working from home, basically. I have my own place, but like, if I wanted to I could go to my parent’s house. It’s weird, but I know I missed it. Being in Vancouver those three years was hard.”

I was on Supernatural for a good three seasons. I’m not anymore, but my character is also dead, so who knows. Anyway, since I was recurring for that time, I stayed in Vancouver. I went home on the holidays, obviously, but when I had a boyfriend for one of those years we stayed up there and visited his family on holidays. He’s out of the picture now, hopefully doing a lot better, but part of me misses him. Which is why it is a very good thing I have this job in Atlanta, near my family to keep me grounded.

I then make the mistake of letting my eyes linger on Rob and his girl (girlfriend? Or just a date?) for longer than two seconds. Briana immediately twists herself around in her chair, waving to the happy couple as they walk out of the green room, hand in hand, the lovesick aura practically rolling off of them.

And when Bri turns back around, her face is nothing but sympathetic. “How’s the crush doing?”

I chuckle at her blunt wording.

Rob and I��it’s a weird situation. We only ever see each other in person on these convention weekends, but each time we are attached at the hip – or used to be. We understand one another, despite how cheesy that sounds, and something about us literally clicked the first night we met. And we’ve been best friends since. Or, until he started dating.

We used to text and FaceTime probably every single day. He would update me on Louden Swain business, I would update him on my auditions. We’d talk about our days, rant about how neurotic we are, and laugh at each other’s crazy adventures from the day. But then he started dating, and our talking sort of slowed to random bursts. I’m lucky if he texts me first once every two weeks or something, or if he replies to my text within a week. I got tired after a while and stopped texting first, but there’s a part of me that still misses the friendship we had. And his random “how are you doing” texts every couple weeks don’t help my getting-over-him process either.

“Judging by the look on your face, I’d say not too good.”

I lift my head, try to play it off. “What?” But the look Bri gives me lets me know she doesn’t buy one second of that. I sigh. “He’s never…brought one to a convention, you know?”

When I say Rob started dating, I mean, he started dating. It seemed like every time we got the gang together for dinner or drinks (or both), he had a new girl. And if we saw her for two get togethers in a row, it was a miracle. But we never saw one for more than two. And he never brought one to a convention.

This is his work. He always told me he was worried about a relationship because he does so much – Louden Swain touring and making new music, his acting career that is still very much alive, performing and mediating at these conventions nearly every single month – that he doesn’t want a relationship to get in the way. Or for the person to not understand what he does.

“Maybe she won’t stick around for the whole weekend.”

I gasp. “Bri!”

“What?” She laughs. “Fine, but I am serious. She seems sweet, but…not like Rob.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Well she’s not supposed to be just like Rob.”

“No, I mean, they seem—they’re like opposites of each other.”

“You know what they say,” I laugh weakly, “opposites attract.”

“I’m trying to empathize here and you’re making it really hard.”

I laugh loudly then. “Well I’m trying to move on!”

“No you’re not.”

I glare at her. She glares back, but more playful, mocking me. I try not to smile.

“You could always throw him some hints.”

I scoff. I think I threw him enough. “Are you forgetting when I called you that night? Remember? I literally told him I could try and prove him wrong when he said he didn’t see himself in a stable relationship.” I pause, shaking my head. I was an idiot. “I told him before he made conclusions like that, he could at least give me a chance.”

“I do remember that…”

“Okay. So I am not going to go after him again because he’s taken. That’s ridiculous.”

“It’s not as ridiculous as it seems.”

“I am not going to be a homewrecker!” I laugh. “You’re crazy.”

“Oh, you’re only a homewrecker if they’re married.”

“Not helping.”

“I’m not asking you to be homewrecker. I’m just saying they don’t seem too serious.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Too serious?”

“As in serious enough for him to turn down someone else.”

“Bold of you to assume he likes someone else,” I chuckle.

She gives me another look. “You don’t see the way he looks at you.”

“And I don’t want to,” I fire back. “Look, no more. We’re done talking about this. He’s going to be happy with her – or someone else, for all I care.” I push a strand of hair out of my face. “I need to focus on being happy with myself while he’s busy ignoring me.”

Bri frowns. “How are you doing?”

I look down at the cup of coffee in my hand, now realizing I haven’t drunk from it yet. I decide to take a sip before answering her. As usual, it scalds my tongue.

“I’m better, I guess. Sober for three days,” I joke.

“Are you gonna be okay tomorrow?”

Oh, the Saturday Night After Party (we just call it SNAP). “Yeah…” I pause. “Watch out for me anyway?”

She nods. “Always. And hey, three days is a start.” She pauses, resting her hand on my arm. “If you don’t want to come to SNAP tomorrow I understand. Hell, we can have a no-alcohol in the room rule—”

I shake my head. “No, no don’t. It’s okay. I’ll be alright.”

She grabs my hand, squeezing tightly. “Okay. I’ll watch out for you.”

I smile. “Thank you.”

“And hey,” she pauses, waiting until I’m looking in her eyes, “if you need a girl night with some ice cream and sad movies, say the word. I’m all for it and I’m sure Kim and Ruth will be onboard, too.”

I squeeze her hand. “Thank you. But I think I’ll be okay.”

“Hm,” she narrows her eyes. “We’ll see. Ice cream and cuddling sessions are hard to turn down.”

I laugh. “I know, I might take you up on the offer – minus the sad movies. I’m tired of being sad.”

“Deal,” she nods.

The conversation is interrupted by the band coming into the room with Rich following behind. Briana and I stand, both of us not having seen Rich or the band at all yet this morning. Hugs are shared before Rich looks around, his eyes confused as he glances between Bri and I.

“…where’s Rob?”

I shake my head, trying to play off the tug in my heart at his name. Stupid. “He…left like fifteen minutes ago. I don’t know.”

“Left with…?”

“His flavor of the month,” Bri snickers.

I nudge her shoulder, trying not to laugh. “I’d be mad if that wasn’t kind of true.”

Rich bites back a smile. “I hate that it is. My best friend, a hot mess when he’s single and now worse when he’s trying to date. Anyway.” He leaves to find Rob, dialing his number on the way out the door.

+++

My panel flows easily with Bri at my side. Thankfully since she was here early, she didn’t mind accompanying me. I’ll be with her, Kim, and Ruth tomorrow for our ladies’ panel, but my solo was supposed to be today. Until I told Bri I was nervous, and she “crashed” the panel with my forgotten cup of coffee…and decided to stay.

Thankfully I don’t have any photos or anything today; that’s all tomorrow. We spend the rest of the afternoon talking about karaoke (and boys).

We’re mostly alone in the green room the whole time. The band is also there, causing some impromptu jamming sessions since Rob has been nothing but MIA today when he’s not supposed to be onstage.

When he does return, it’s for lunch, and he returns with his girl. Who we learn is Lily.

“Hey, nice to meet you,” I smile, waving to the insanely beautiful woman. “Oh, I’m Sarah, by the way.”

“Sarah,” Lily grins, “I’ve always loved that name. It’s nice to finally meet you!”

I chuckle nervously, telling her the feeling is mutual, but she continues talking.

“Rob has told me so much about you! I swear sometimes he likes you more than he likes me,” she teases. Or her tone is teasing. But Rob looks far from comfortable and “comfortable” is the last word I would use to describe myself right now.

But I play it off. As always. “All good things, I really do hope.”

“Oh, definitely,” she assures me.

I nod. “Good.” I offer a smile in their general direction, which Lily returns, but Rob is too focused on his half-eaten pizza to even say anything in response.

I toss my napkin down on my plate, making eye contact with Briana – our secret code for, “I’m going to get some air, I need you to come with,” which she immediately nods.

I almost announce my departure, but everyone seems too engrossed in their own conversations to care. So instead I turn and walk toward the green room doors. And instead of waiting until I left, Briana is hot on my heels as I stumble out of the doors, face red from embarrassment and heart throttling itself against my rib cage.

“She’s heard all about me? What the hell does that even mean?”

“I know,” Bri tries, her hand resting on my shoulder.

“He has time to talk to her all about me, but not text me back? Fuck!”

“Come on. Outside.” She steers me toward the exit doors. “You need fresh air.” She pushes open the doors, dragging me behind her.

“I need him to stop messing with me!” I cry, throwing my hands in the air. “He speaks to me like we’re best friends – fuck, like there’s something more or I would’ve never suggested it – and then he drops me for girls left and right? And then he has the time to tell her about me? The fuck does he think he is?”

“I know.”

“I mean, what does he gain out of this?”

“I don’t know.”

“And then he just sat there! He wouldn’t even acknowledge the fact that he apparently has time to gush about me, but not time to reply to my damn text and tell me whether or not he wanted a fucking seat at the premier!”

“What?”

I scoff. “Oh, yeah. We did a best friend screening, stupid, or whatever, but the director wanted to. We’ve done family ones, he wanted to do a best friend one. You were out of town, so was everyone else, I thought, “Hey, maybe this will give us a chance to reconnect,” but he never fucking replied. He read the message and left it. Not a damn word.”

“Sarah…”

“I don’t know what’s happening.” I can already feel the lump forming in my throat. “It’s like— I don’t even know what it’s like.”

“Hey…” She doesn’t say anything else, just gathers me in her arms and rubs my back. I inhale and exhale shakily, my entire body shaking from frustration. I wish I could walk in there and just ask him what his deal is. Ask him why he feels the need to do this to me.

But then I wonder to myself why I am even letting this get to me. I need to quit reading so far into things. That’s my problem.

“Okay,” I push back from the hug, taking in another shaky breath. I wipe at my cheeks, laughing without really meaning to. “I’m letting him ruin my pizza.”

Bri laughs. “We can steal an extra box and go up to my room if you want.”

I shake my head. “I’ll be okay.” I pause. “Can we stop by the bathroom first? I need to pee and make sure I don’t look like I just cried over a stupid boy.”

She chuckles, linking her arm with mine. “We can. Let’s go.”

Tags: @itsfunnierin-enochian Let me know if you want to be tagged!

[icecat62]

Ask Ask Ask

Ask Ask Ask ;) Send me a # 1 - Who was the last person you texted? - My boyfriend. 2 - When is your birthday? - April 28 3 - Who do you want to be with right now? - My daughter. 4 - What sports do you play? - Ice hockey, but it’s on hold right now because of a knee injury. 5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? - My mom. 6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? - Disturb’s The Sound of Silence. 7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? - Nightcrawler from the X-Men so he can teleport me home. 8 - What do you feel right now? - Content. 9 - What chocolate is your favorite? - Aero bars. 10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? - 4 11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? - To read Sherlolly based posts. :) 12 - Who is your favorite blogger? - I have a lot of favorite bloggers, but my favorite vlogger is Kosdff of Team Kaliber. 13 - Where do you want to be right now? - Right where I am. 14 - What do you want to be in the future? - Financially stable. 15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? - Two days ago due to finances being so crappy and worrying about my future. 16 - Are you happy? - Even with all the financial issues, I am. 17 - Who do you miss? - My dad every single day. He died close to six years ago. 18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? - Parts of it. 19 - What was the best thing you were given? - A divorce from the piece of shit I made the mistake of marrying. 20 - Who was the last person who called you? - My daughter. 21 - What is your favorite dish? - Not really a dish, but I love burritos. 22 - Who is your bestfriend? - My boyfriend is one, another is a friend from since I was four. 23 - What is your biggest regret? - Getting married to a piece of shit user. 24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? - No, but he cheated on me our entire marriage. It was a joke. He only married me because of financial reasons. 25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? - My daughter. 26 - Name someone pretty. - My daughter. 27 - Who was the last person you hugged? - My daughter. 28 - What kind of music do you listen to? - Classical, rock, dance, alternative rock. 29 - Are you over your past? - Some of it yes, other parts I’m still mulling over. 30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? - My ex. 31 - What kind of person do you want to date? - Lucky to be dating him now. 32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? - Thank God no. 33 - From whom was the last text message you received? - My boyfriend. 34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? - Jeans all the way. 35 - How’s your heart? - Physically 100%, emotionally it’s 95%. 36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? - Nope (popping the p). 37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? - My boyfriend. 38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? - I say it all the time. I call him a cheating loser piece of white trash shit. :) 39 - Do you have any phobias? - Spiders. I love to look at them, but don’t let them touch me. I also am afraid of flying. 40 - Did you try to change for a person? - My ex and no matter how much I changed he kept wanting me to be even more different than I was. Fucker. Glad I’m still me after all of his shit. I was stupid to try and please that trash. 41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? - My time, my loyalty, my friendship. Monetary items mean so little to me. 42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? - Fuuuuuccckkkk no. 43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? - Good. 44 - Name someone you can’t live without. - My daughter. 45 - Describe your dream date. - Sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend, the two of us playing our favorite video games. We’re nerds. :) 46 - Describe your dream wedding. - Never getting married again. 47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? - None, because my boyfriend tells me how much he loves me every day. I don’t need expensive flowers that will die to show me that. 48 - Have you ever been kissed? - Yes. 49 - How long is your longest relationship? - 27 years. 50 - Do you regret your past? - Well yeah. See all the comments about my shit marriage. 51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? - Hell yeah. :) 52 - Have you ever cried over someone? - Yes. 53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? - Yes. 54 - Are you a crybaby? - No. 55 - Do people praise you for your looks? - Some do, some don’t. 56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? - My piece of shit using ex. 57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? - Yes. 58 - Do you like getting hurt? - No. 59 - Does anyone hate you? - I’m sure my ex hates me. 60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? - No. 61 - What hair color do you prefer? - Ginger/red. 62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? - My teeth. They need work. 63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? - My family/relatives and my boyfriend. 64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? - When I was in my late teens and early twenties I thought about it a lot. So glad I didn’t. 65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? - Graduated, so no. 66 - Can you live without internet? - Hellllllll no! 67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? - I can’t remember the titles of the songs so I’ll just skip this question. 68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? - I don’t cry a lot. 69 - Are you a crybaby? - No. 70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? - No. 71 - Are you a KPOP fan? - No. 72 - Do you study hard? - I did. 73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? - Yes, myself during that sham of a marriage. 74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? - Yes. 75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? - Yes. 76 - Did you have an accident last year? - No. 77 - What kind of person are you? - Loyal, honest, thrifty, giving, defender of so many things. 78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? - Yes, but I would only take a life in defense. 79 - Have you ever been jealous? - Yes. 80 - How can you prove your love to someone? - Love insn’t something you should have to prove. I learned that from my shit marriage. 81 - What are you thinking right now? - I’m going to play Overwatch after I post my responses. 82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? - I have no idea and am too lazy to check. 83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? - None because my memories make me who I am and I like who I am. 84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? - I can always find the words to express my feelings. 85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? - Lol. At hockey I was a pro at taunting. :-D 86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? - Sure I have. 87 - Do you have trust issues? - Somewhat due to my asshole ex. 88 - Are you broken-hearted? - No. 89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? - My daughter. 90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? - Pain is a part of life, just like joy, so yes. 91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? - Not all the time. I try to forge my own path. 92 - Who do you want to marry? -Never getting married again. I’ll live with my boyfriend and be in a partnership. 93 - Do you believe in destiny? - No. 94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? - Yes, with my current boyfriend. 95 - How do you look right now? - A mess. My hair needs cutting in the worst way. 96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? - Psssst. 97 - Have you found your true love? - I found someone who shares so much that I love, so if it’s that, then yes. 98 - What should you be doing right now? - Posting this so I can go play Overwatch. 99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. - Rob. 100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? - Yup

[theartfulmegalodon]

Just a personal vent from a few years back

I’m not normally one to post much personal stuff on the internet.  I don’t generally bare my soul or seek validation, which is not to say that I judge or begrudge those who do.  I actually get quite a bit of satisfaction from reading the varying accounts of others’ experiences, being able to learn about how others have navigated their worlds, their different perspectives and priorities.

But I know Tumblr here is a place that is happy to absorb and regift the ramblings, rants, and other therapeutic vents from its users.  This is one of mine.  It’s a story based around my mother, and it’s why I’d rather not go home for Christmas anymore.  Perhaps it’s something that you can relate to, or commiserate with.  (If instead you’d rather only bother with me for my art, I’ll hopefully be posting some soon.)

I’ve never been as emotionally invested in the same things my mom is, and when I was transitioning to adulthood, and there was friction, in which she started the scolding and blaming, my natural tendency was (and still is) to be stoic and somewhat retreat emotionally.  My mother is the opposite, though.  She perceives any conflict or disagreement as a personal attack, and my lack of emotion when she ranted at me told her I clearly must not care about anything, and WHY COULDN'T SHE MAKE ME CARE?!  Additionally, our whole family, including my mom, has the resting bitch face (like, seriously small frowny mouths) and so I never stood a chance of making her believe otherwise. We've gotten far better at communicating in recent years, but I think mostly it works best long distance, over the phone where she can't read my face or body language and decide I must be annoyed or dismissive or criticizing her.  And there are still moments that are sprung on me out of nowhere. I've spent every single Christmas with my mom and mom's side of the family.  When off at school, and then having moved states away now, I still traveled home to have Christmas there.  My birthday also happens to be two days before Christmas, which has meant in the last decade that my birthday dinner often ends up getting planned for me so as best to accommodate the other family who'll be there; where they would want to go, and where would be convenient for them and their schedule.  It's also often combined with my grandmother's, which is a few days after X-mas. 

So a few years ago my mother told me "I thought we'd eat at [this place] for your birthday, will that work?" with the understanding that I can't really say no.  And it was fine.  Dinner with my mom and my grandparents.  But it's not what I would have chosen, and I was hardly the focus of the evening.  But I am an adult, and I understand the importance of keeping things running smoothly during the holidays, keeping everyone stress-free, and giving my grandparents their due attention as well.  That's all fine.  And maybe my mood just wasn't effusively happy at the time, but I was, y'know, fine. 

But then dessert comes around, and my mom will not shut up about hers.  She must have said "This is really good" about a dozen times.  "No, I mean really, this is REALLY good."  So, a little annoyed but trying to sound like I'm joking, I say, "Oh my god, if you say it's 'really good' one more time..." She frowned and did that playful-non-playful "Ohhhh, come on," and started sort of jab-punching me in the arm, clearly annoyed I was ruining her good time.  But those punches actually hurt (the woman was right next to me in the booth) and reflexively I said, "Ow!  Stop it!" And somehow that was it.  That did it.  Me losing my smile and calling her on hitting me was enough for her to close down entirely.  Her face like a thundercloud.  Her lips pinched in the mother of all offended pouts.   She barely spoke the rest of the meal, and as we left the restaurant she just stomped off (not unlike a child) back to her car, leaving me to say good night and thanks to my grandparents.  They just sort of shrugged at her behavior and gave a little sympathetic wave, but didn't say anything.  So they went their way, and I went back to mom's car.   She started driving for home in absolute silence, but for the radio, which I think she switched on to discourage talking.  It was playing Gershwin’s American In Paris, I believe, something I recognized but couldn’t place at that moment.  After a few minutes of it playing, I set out to traverse the minefield that was engaging my mother in that mood and asked if she remembered the name of the song.  She spat out the three word title, and then her mouth returned to the Pinched Frown of the Emotionally Wounded.  We continued to sit in silence with the weight of this sudden melodrama filling the car.

She’d been doing this for years, though.  Far more often when I was younger, a teenager, or in college, and I didn’t have the perspective then to see it for what it was.  I couldn’t track the pattern of her emotional outbursts, couldn’t see their source.  When she told me I didn’t care, I couldn’t always argue with that, because sometimes I didn’t. I did of course feel like a horrible daughter for not behaving the way she wanted, for upsetting her by apparently being selfish and callous and inconsiderate.  But even then I could tell that these emotional dam bursts of hers weren’t just caused by me.  I always had that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I was being scolded (sometimes screamed at, usually cried at) unfairly.  However, for all those years, I didn’t know what to do about it.  I just weathered it, and waited for it to pass.  When she’d cried herself out, she’d usually apologize for losing it at me, but as she hugged me she would make me promise that I would change, that I would try harder, be less selfish, etc.  And I always did.

(Bear in mind that I was in every other respect NOT a problem child.  I attended school without fail. I had excellent grades, in honors and AP classes.  I was pursuing my artistic education seriously.  I had no problem friends; in fact I had very few friends at all.  Those I had were friendly, respectful people.  I never dated.  Never touched so much as a cigarette.  And I never had the slightest interest in alcohol, much less any mind-altering drug.  I didn’t party.  I didn’t go out.  I didn’t even drive.  This was true even through college.  I was, in every way I can think of, the least problematic teenager a mother could ask for.)

As the years went by, and I spent less and less time at home, these outbursts, these conflicts between us, would happen less often.  Our time apart made the heart grow fonder, perhaps.  And I liked to think she was mellowing with time, that perhaps we were approaching a level, mature playing field.  And then, in my very late twenties, this birthday dinner happens. 

And time enough had passed for me to have looked back on this pattern of behavior and see it more for what it was.  So I poked the landmine.

I said something basic, like, “What’s wrong?”  The landmine exploded: out came a torrent of accusations and hurt feelings.  The floodgates opened: the tears started almost immediately.  She had felt truly, deeply attacked.  I could just be so mean, sometimes, so hurtful!  She was having such a nice time, and then I apparently just turned on a dime and ruined it.  I just didn’t understand, she said, how hurtful I can be, and how unpredictable!  I could be so sweet one minute and then so ugly the next!  And I don’t even realize I’m doing it!  I just say the most insensitive things and then act like I don’t even care!

Yes, she was was saying this about me.  Sensing a theme?  So I called her on it.

I was sick of it by this point.  For the first time I could really see how absurd her words sounded.  I finally didn’t feel as though her description of me, or the situation, had any base in truth.  And for the first time I argued with her.  While she sobbed and raged (truly worrying while she was driving, by the way) I spoke to her calmly but sternly that she wasn’t making sense.  That she had decided on her own what I must have been thinking and feeling, and that she’d gotten it wrong.  I hadn’t attacked her.  I’d been momentarily frustrated.  I hadn’t declared her a witch.  As I told her how I’d actually been feeling, and that I hadn’t intended to ruin any kind of mood, nor had I been all that upset about it, she argued.  She could tell from my face! she said.  She just knew!  I flatly argued back.  After all, I’d only been truly annoyed when she’d started slugging me in the arm at the dinner table.  This had clearly been her way of fighting back after I’d sent the first volley, as it were.

I also told her I was tired of doing this.  Of her doing this.  That this overreaction was absurd and based on nothing.  That it was crazy to say I was the one who changed moods on a dime when I wasn’t the one who’d gone silent for the rest of the meal and stormed off in front of her parents because I’d said something a little harsh out of frustration.  I know, I know, that telling someone who’s having an emotional meltdown that they’re being irrational and overreacting is probably not the best way to get through to them, but believe me, by that point I was taking a stand for my own emotional health.  I refused to be bullied anymore into believing I was the bad guy.  As I recall, I did my best not to make it seem like I hated her, or that she was bad or evil for having these meltdowns, but I hope I made it clear that I wasn’t going to sit there and take it anymore.

I apologize for the length of this post.  I didn’t set out to write an essay.  To wrap up, the evening ended subdued and exhausted, like the limp remains of a burst balloon.  Mom went to bed, and I wondered what the next day would be like.  The next morning - Christmas Eve, mind you - she emerged from her room, gave me a big hug, apologized for the meltdown, told me how much she loved me (something she’s never failed to do), checked to see that I accepted her apology (I did), and then put on a smile.  We then began the day with good cheer as though absolutely nothing had happened the night before.

I understand my mother better than I used to.  I know that so much of the friction that’s come between us has come from the stark difference in how we each handle conflict.  I know that her emotions run high in unpredictable ways and that she knows this as well.  But for my entire birthday evening, a night which should have been smiles and warmth, I was tasked once again with weathering my mother’s irrational meltdown, directed at me, with a huge knot of tension in my chest as I tried to be the calm, collected one.

I know that many, many of you out there have been, or know others who have been pressured to feel responsible for parents’ emotional health.  In small degrees, you get stories like mine, in which I know at the end of the day that my mother truly does love me, and I’ll never be without an ally in her.  In big degrees you have all-out abuse, which I am grateful to say I’ve never truly experienced.  But I shared with you all as a cathartic exercise, and I say to those many out there who know this feeling intimately, you have my empathy, my sympathy, and my heartfelt good wishes.

(And also my gratitude that you read this monster.  You are gems, every one of you.)