#and even though I recognize that this friendship is becoming toxic and unhealthy I can’t give you up

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[sopstvena]

Do you have any advice how I can be more resilient? For example, every time someone says something bad to me, or something bad happens that makes me feel sad or angry I completely break down and cannot deal with it in a healthy way, I think I'm not emotionally stable that way and just end up crying for hours. That's something that happens often like at least once a week. I would like to be more resilient and be able to think through my problems and find practical solutions. Any advice?

Firstly, I want to encourage you to go to therapy if you can afford it.

Secondly, I want you to know that emotional resilience is a skill, and like any other skill, it can be developed. It's best to do this with the help of a skilled professional who can help you develop an appropriate strategy for coping and moving forward (especially since you're experiencing emotional breakdowns on a weekly basis) but if you can't do so at the moment, there are some things you can do yourself to build (emotional) resilience.

However - and this is important - not all of the things necessary for developing resilience will be within your control and I believe it's important to accept this. We can change and control many aspects of our life, including how well-adjusted we are, but we'll never have absolute control over our life. You can be the calmest, most positive person in the world, if you're forced to spend every day with hostile, mean-spirited people who poke and hurt you on purpose, it will be next-to-impossible not to be affected by them. So, aside from going to therapy, try to remove yourself from stressful/traumatic situations and get away from negative people. If this is your family or job/colleagues, make it a priority to move/find another job.

In the meantime, here are some things you can try:

Practice self-acceptance. Even if you become the strongest, wisest person you know, you will fail occasionally and life will knock you down from time to time. This is inevitable, so it's best to practice self-acceptance and realize that the waves of sadness, grief and doubt are normal no matter how overwhelming and painful they might feel. The important thing is to persevere through them as they eventually do subside. They can also teach you a lot about life, other people, and yourself. For example, when something bad happens and you break down, you always come out the other end eventually, don't you? Remember this the next time something unpleasant happens.

Set proper boundaries and practice assertiveness. Your worth as a human being is inherent, meaning it's not dependent on your grades, how well you can please your family, how much money you make, your relationships, etc. You have the right to pursue your ambitions and go your own way, even if that way is very different from the one your family and friends have decided to take. Realize this, embody it, and set boundaries accordingly. In most cases, other people do not know what's best for us, only we do. So have the courage to trust yourself and to defend your principles not only from other people but your self-doubt as well.

Take care of your body. If you're able to exercise, do so regularly. Do not underestimate your body's effect on your mind (and vice-versa which is why it's best to have a positive or at least neutral attitude about life). Focus on strength training and becoming stronger in general as this will allow you to feel more confident in your body and its capabilities. Often, a broader sense of self-confidence will follow. The food we eat can also make or break us, so prioritize healthy, wholesome foods.

Surround yourself with supportive people. We are social creatures so it's normal and healthy to be at least somewhat affected by what others say about us (it's only unhealthy to allow strangers to have this power over us). You cannot choose your family and often colleagues, but you can choose your friends, so choose them carefully. Cut out toxic people from your life, including family members if possible, and work on developing friendships with genuine, supportive and compassionate people. Trust, it's better to be alone in life than surrounded by negative, jealous individuals who bring you down. If you're a young woman, I'd also recommend making friends with older, wiser women.

Move towards your goals. Set some small, sensible daily/weekly/monthly goals and commit to them. No matter how small, these accomplishments will enable you to slowly move towards your goals. But perhaps more importantly, they will also allow you to recognize your own strength and capabilities when you commit to a task.

Consider journaling. Writing down your thoughts and feelings about difficult situations can help you see them from a different perspective - more objectively - especially if you make it a point to reread your journal the next day/week. Journaling is also an opportunity to meditate on positive aspects of your life, including the things you're grateful for. You can also use it to remind yourself why you're doing what you're doing in life, to strengthen your vision.

Lastly, please remember to acknowledge the negative feelings during the hardships in life, do not try to run away from them; they're normal and are nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, we ALL go through them from time to time, you are not alone. The important thing, I think, is to keep things in perspective and try to think rationally as much as possible. The world is not out to get you, even though it might feel like it at times. You do have the power to change, improve, build and rebuild.

[anticallouts]

Is bringing up old stuff a friend did to hurt them even though they were going through a rough time and has changed since then callout culture? I've done this repeatedly with an old friend out of rage over her past actions and I wanted to pass my hurt onto her because I couldn't see her for anything than her past actions and ended up believing that she was incapable of change.

that's not callout culture, no, but it is being a shitty friend. it's also a red flag for abusive/manipulative tendencies, since many abusive relationships involve that kind of dynamic. (constantly bringing up past mistakes, making the victim feel guilty and obligated to make up for those mistakes to an excessive extent, making the victim feel like no one else would put up with their mistakes except for the abuser, etc.)

i'm definitely not saying you and your friend are in an abusive relationship, those are far more complicated than one single worrying behavior. however, i am saying that that behavior is unhealthy and unproductive and it needs to stop if you two want to remain friends. unfortunately, if you two can't work it out and the friendship has too much emotional baggage to stay stable, it needs to end peacefully rather than fester and become toxic to you both.

allow me an anecdote, if you will.

my best friend/queer-platonic partner and i nearly ended our relationship a couple years ago over something like what you're describing. he became friends with and started hanging out with a group of people who loudly, proudly, and openly bullied me and my other friends. it created a lot of tension as i tried to understand why my best friend was cozying up to antis, and it became harder and harder to defend him to my other friends as we all faced the brunt of the abuse being hurled at us.

now, my qpp had his reasons for doing what he did. as it shook out, he was trying to infiltrate the group so he could be a good influence and try to get some people out of that mindset. but that didn't mean that what he was doing wasn't hurting us. eventually i had to come out and tell him that if he didn't stop hanging out with those people, then he and i would have to part ways. we lived together at the time (and still do) so it wasn't as simple as blocking him on discord and being done with it. i'm actually very glad for that. it forced us to have a heart-to-heart about our feelings and my pain and his motivations, and at the end of it he decided to stop associating with and supporting the bullies because our relationship was more important and he didn't want to keep hurting me.

does that mean he never hurt me? does that mean he didn't willingly pal around with antis who were personally harassing me? no. but he listened to me when i told him what he was doing was hurting me, and he changed his behavior.

now, years later: i don't bring it up anymore except on occasion, in passing, usually as a joke. there's some distance from the incident and it's not as painful anymore. i don't hold it against him. when we argue - which we still do, as every couple does - i don't bring it up to wield as a weapon against him. to do so would force us both to constantly relive that horrible period of time where we almost lost each other.

you don't have to forget what your friend did or said and how it hurt you, but if you can see that she's changed, you need to let it go. if she's never formally apologized, you could ask for one as closure. if she has, accept it and forgive her and move on with your lives.

(you should also apologize for your behavior, even if she hasn't called you on it yet. you fully recognize that what you're doing to her is hurtful and yet you continue to do it, you know that's wrong.)

i wish you both peace and luck.

[reoflite]

Why Forrest Gump is the movie we need

I wanted to step away from the more serious posts I’ve made recently to talk about a movie that I love. Sadly, it took several years for me to appreciate this film for what it is. As a child, I remember hearing my grandmother say it was a “stupid” movie. I carried this with me until early adulthood, when I began developing my own opinion about things. While I’m disappointed that it took me so long to see the film, it doesn’t take away from the impact it left on me. 

I found that I had a lot to say about a movie that’s flirting with 26. Tom Hanks is...well, he’s just downright incredible. I am going to do my best to segment this post in a way that isn't overwhelming. 

Tom Hanks: Let’s start with the obvious. His performance in this movie is something to be remembered. His 1995 Oscar win for his work in Forrest Gump confirms this. He nails everything, from the body language, down to the overall language of Forrest. At times, I forgot I was watching Tom Hanks. He made Forrest real for me. I recognize this section might look short to some, but he offers such a performance that you would need to see it play out on screen. 

Jenny: A lot of people don’t like her character. She’s hard to digest, I get it. But then, consider all that we see her go through. She suffers horrific sexual abuse at the hands of her father, thus destroying any sense of trust she can ever hope to build with another human being. This person, in theory, should have been the one person that was made to protect her. Instead, he scars her for life. She copes by falling in and out of toxic relationships. She abuses drugs (they try to use this alongside the idea that it was the 60′s/70′s, and it’s what everyone was doing, but I disagree). When we experience her drug use, although maybe a bit more subtle, it’s used as a tool to numb, to free. Eventually, she gets her shit together. Carrying a part of Forrest propels her to a healthier and more fulfilling life, though it’s short. Jenny, in my mind, is the saddest part about this story. 

Jenny and Forrest, together: A lot of people hate the idea. Again, I get it. You can make the argument that Jenny treats Forrest poorly. She is what I call a semi-colon in his life for a while. There isn’t any finality in her presence for most of the movie. She’s there one minute, then gone the next to continue another part of her journey. Forrest loves her unconditionally, despite her leaving him when she feels too pulled in. We see the push-and-pull of their relationship at various points; Forrest declaring his love for her in an authentic but simple way. It requires no show or elaborate moment, because it’s simple: He loves her. It’s very likely she loves him throughout the film, but she’s doing what she thinks is best by staying away from him. She sees herself as a black hole, waiting to suck in whoever comes near her. She doesn’t want that to happen to him. 

Understanding the complexities of childhood sexual abuse and the impact it has on forming meaningful relationships isn’t for the faint of heart, but it’s worth exploring when looking at this film. Jenny is a damaged soul. Forrest is a pure soul, one that has a lasting impact on those he comes across. I don’t believe in the idea of anyone needing to “fix” anyone in a relationship; that’s unhealthy. Instead, I think Forrest offers her the balance love - true love - she has missed for most of her life. Up until their final few scenes together, Jenny’s motto has been to run when things get scary. In Forrest, she finally finds someone she doesn’t have to run from. 

Forrest himself: We are introduced to Forrest when he’s a child. He has trouble walking. He’s a little slow. As much as I hate using that term, I think it’s OK here. Still, he’s inquisitive. He possesses an eagerness to understand those around him. His childlike naivety in the earlier parts of the film is charming. 

He has given an undesirable set of circumstances in the beginning. Everyone around him acknowledges this as fact except Forrest. He doesn’t view his seeming lack of intelligence as a burden. Instead, he maintains a sense of positivity through it all. He uses his talent of speed to enroll in college. He seems to be up for the adventure of the Army following college; and yet, there isn’t a sense that he is without direction. The opportunity presented itself and he took it because...why not? 

It’s here that he meets Bubba, someone that he finds brotherhood in. They are not the same. They come from completely different walks of life. Still, they relate on a level that’s difficult to achieve for characters that are literally written to end up together (as friends or something more). 

Following his completion of basic training, we see he and Jenny cross paths. We are led to believe this is their first time meeting after graduating high school and college. This particular scene is great for both characters. Forrest “rescues” Jenny from the stage - men harassing her - and she establishes clear boundaries. It is, perhaps, the first and only time we see Jenny establish these boundaries in the entire film. There is a comfort with them that she is able to do this, even if it’s not in favor of Forrest during this particular time. 

Perhaps one of the best lines in the film: “Forrest, you don’t know what love is.” This line sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Whether Forrest does so intentionally is unclear, but it’s done with such a subtlety that I did not initially catch it as a younger watcher.

Forrest and...everyone else: Going back to, “You don’t know what love is.” Let’s look at the events following this line, shall we?

Forrest saves his brothers during the raid in Vietnam, even after suffering injury himself. Ultimately, he’s looking to save Bubba, but we can’t talk about this scene without acknowledging that he saves everyone in his platoon that he can. He risks life and limb without a second thought

Lt. Dan treated Forrest poorly, for a lot of reasons. Like Jenny, he was damaged, but in a different way. His ego and “stolen destiny” prevent him from forming a heartwarming bond with Forrest, but Forrest doesn’t seem to let this stop him from helping him when he can. The bond of brotherhood from combat motivates him. Let us not forget that Forrest is just a decent human being, and Lt. Dan is in a position where he needs friendship. Forrest recognizes this at some level and offers his friendship throughout the film. One of my favorite scenes is when one of Lt. Dan’s friends (the two women from the bar) calls Forrest stupid. Lt. Dan immediately steps in and defends him. Later in the film, Forrest offers him a job on the boat he bought. Why? Because he promised him he would

Forrest’s relationship with his mother isn’t shown enough, in my opinion. At the beginning of the movie, we see her defend him. She does things for him that many might judge, but ultimately, she wants him to have the best life possible. It’s what mothers do! Eventually, she succumbs to old age. It’s unclear how old she is when she dies, but he cares for her. He pauses his life to give her a comfortable end to her life. We literally see him jump out of a boat to go be with his mother for her final days. This boils down to a mother-child bond that is difficult to break, but one that I find to be very touching

Back to Bubba. Sweet, dear Bubba. He doesn’t make it to the other side of the war, despite Forrest’s best efforts. His family is left reeling. Bubba’s mother has worked as a servant, much like her mother, and her mother’s mother. After Forrest invests in Apple, he hits it big. In keeping his promise to Bubba, Forrest gives Bubba’s mother and siblings half of his earnings from his fishing business, and money from his investment in Apple. He helps build a new church for Bubba’s family to worship. His attachment to Bubba doesn’t die with him; rather, it’s strengthened after his untimely death

Back to Jenny. As mentioned before, she’s in and out of the film. Her impact on Forrest is noted throughout the film, however. He writes to her almost every day (even though his letters are returned). They go for a long time without seeing each other. Following his return from service, Jenny is in an abusive relationship. Forrest sees her boyfriend hit her. This is perhaps the only “negative” side of Forrest we see throughout the film. Of course, I’m referring to Forrest beating the living daylights out of her boyfriend (whose name I don't care enough to remember). I think most of us would act similarly.  (Side note: “Sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party,” might be my favorite quote from anything ever.) They separate once more, and Forrest continues on with his life. He offers her a safe space when she visits him. More importantly, toward the end of her life, he offers her the comfort of a loving and fulfilling relationship

Truthfully, I could expand on a number of other reasons why I love this movie so much, but I think I highlighted some of the more profound moments here. Honorable mentions include Gary Sinise’s performance. I am less attached to his character, but I admire the positive steps he took in his life to become a better person. Forrest’s mother has a profound impact on Forrest, but in my opinion, this isn’t expanded on enough. 

I’d be curious to hear your opinions on the movie. 

[afriendtokilltime]

Okay, fine. Let’s talk about parasocial relationships.

The term “parasocial” has been making the rounds as a very very smart sounding thing to say. It not only establishes that you know an unusual and complex word, but also that you are too smart to fall for marketing tactics, and that you are much too cool to show enthusiasm for anything!

So, what’s a parasocial relationship? It’s a one-sided relationship with a celebrity or fictional character--the entire relationship takes place in your head. You’re reading this on tumblr, which means you have lots of parasocial relationships. You’re very parasocially popular! Maybe you even have one with me. (Probably not, I stopped posting for a long time, so we probably don’t parasocially know one another at all.)

I first encountered this term being used as an inherently bad thing, something to avoid, as though the term referred to the negative version of itself. What I saw was not people explaining why it can be harmful, but speaking as if we all know it is (the way you’d use “alcoholism”).

I see people carefully watching themselves to make sure they aren’t engaging in a “parasocial relationship,” or referring to a behavior they don’t like as “borderline parasocial relationship behavior.” But, there is no such thing as “relationship behavior” other than closing the psychological distance between yourself and another person. “Parasocial relationship behavior” is doing this, but it’s one-sided. You get closer, and they do not. That’s it. That’s the only thing. Does that mean building a shrine to Kristen Stewart? Does it mean crying with joy at Hbomberguy’s Mermaids/Donkey Kong stream? Does it mean writing a 100k fanfiction about Hermione Granger, Vampire Slayer? Does it mean buying a David Bowie CD? Does it mean begging the show writers to finally make that queerbaity relationship canon? Does it mean killing the president? You decide! 

Becoming psychologically closer to people and characters is not inherently unhealthy, whether they know who you are or not. How you treat them and respond to that closeness, and how they choose to cultivate closeness, can of course be unhealthy...but so can reciprocal relationships.

What’s weird to me is that we generally seem to be aware that there are bad and good (healthy and unhealthy) relationships. I have a good relationship with @randomshoes because we support each other, are interested in each others’ success, spend quality time together, and communicate well. If I was to stalk her or kill a president for her, or if she was to abuse my trust and take all my money while falsely assuring me she loved me, our relationship would be somewhat less healthy. 

So, what’s so bad about parasocial relationships?

They don’t actually care about you and they are taking your money.

If a marketing team/a celebrity uses these relationships to prey on vulnerable people, that might be an abusive relationship...in the other direction. If I manipulate a friend I know out of her money, I’m the bad guy, right? But if I’m famous, and she’s 16, and I knowingly manipulate her out of her money, then she’s the bad guy, because teenage girls are dumb and they should feel bad for ever liking anything, forming identities, feeling attraction, or basically being uncool and childish in any way.

It is definitely a good idea to remember that transactions are a part of how art is usually consumed, and not to express your affection or deep identification with an art/artist by spending lots of money on tee shirts that depict them. However, even this type of interaction can be encouraged in a healthy, positive way.  Patreon seems to really make people mad, but it’s not the worst system for artists who Live in A Society and don’t happen to have any lembas laying around. “I’ll pretend to love you so you can make me a millionaire” seems kinda gross but “I appreciate that your support helps me continue making the art you love” kinda sorta does not.

Some people go too far and commit heinous crimes because they expect their parasocial affections to be reciprocated.

Those crimes would be heinous even in an already reciprocal relationship. (I  already mentioned this, but if I committed terrorism for my very real girlfriend who knows exactly who I am, that would probably make me no better or worse than Hinkley.)

You’re an isolated loser and need real friends.

Okay. Anybody pouring all their energy into one relationship is probably not doing life correctly, regardless of how parasocial that relationship is. But this is a point on which I simply do not agree. People engage in these behaviors regardless of how wide their friend circle is. If not with celebrities, then with fictional characters, or even historical or political figures (think more “little father” than “senator” though what you do with that Bernie Sanders picture in your room is between you and God). Oh speaking of God, relationships with religious figures might arguably have some similarities and speak to the same human tendency, but there is of course the difference that Justin Bieber doesn’t know who TF you are, but God does.

Uh, sorry, you didn’t address my point. Forming parasocial relationships stops you developing real relationships.

I actually think it encourages reciprocal socialization. I didn’t have many friends growing up. When I met two other kids who were obsessed with Harry Potter, we bonded over that, making up our own characters (next generation type of BS...still better than the book 7 epilogue), and this formed the basis of a friendship that lasted basically my entire pubescence. These parasocial relationships are generally part of a broader interest, and interests and hobbies help you meet people, break the ice, and uhm...form real relationships.

It’s not just interests, though. I was hardcore into dinosaurs as a kid. Literally every child likes dinosaurs, but that didn’t help me form any new friendships. The other reason I think parasocial relationships lead to better real relationships is...practice. You are engaging in social behaviors, whether or not you’re any good at them, whether or not you succeed. This is what’s required to learn any new skill, but it’s generally discouraged.

You don’t just learn about how to socialize, you also learn about yourself. You develop a sense of identity and learn what you like and dislike by associating yourself with favorite characters.

Children and teens often imitate their behaviors, and though that can be a bit annoying (why yes I do have the Spanish Inquisition sketch memorized but thanks for repeating it to make sure I got it), it also helps them figure out what kind of people they want to be (maybe you want to be funny, so you over time learn that what made Monty Python so funny was surprise, surprise and fear, and you develop comedic timing). Knowing what kind of person you want to be is important.

Right, but it’s selfish. You keep calling it “one sided” which it literally is. There’s no checks on your behavior.

Right. I think that’s good, though? I think it’s good for people to sometimes do selfish things. I think it’s good to cultivate parasocial relationships because they are a way to self-soothe, and get your own needs met, without burdening others. We are social creatures, and we absolutely need relationships, but nobody owes you a relationship. Nobody owes you affection or love. Having a way to cultivate that for yourself is actually incredibly valuable.

It’s worth commenting here that I think my strongest parasocial relationships are probably with characters I’ve made up myself. They are “a part of me” in that they are always there in my life, but unlike some writers, I do not base characters on myself or see them as reflecting specific parts of me. I relate to them in the same way I relate to Harry Potter, except that I was the one who made them up initially, and books I write about them can be published and I can make money off them. (On some theoretical plane of existence.) It’s pretty clear that I am the one doing all the work on both sides of this particular parasocial relationship, but it doesn’t feel super different to me than the fact I very intensely relate to certain characters not made up by me. I don’t conceive myself dating one of them, like I don’t have a Dorothy L. Sayers thing going on, but I don’t really think it would be wrong if I did.

What do you mean not being a burden on others? What about toxic fans putting pressure on creators?

Yeah...that’ll be in the “unhealthy relationship” category. But, okay, I guess where I am ending up here is I do think it’s good to recognize parasocial relationships exist and talk about them, because it reminds you that even if a relationship is not reciprocal, you do have responsibilities. If the other person is real, that means they are only human, and even if you have no choice but to stan, you should give them some breathing space. The Shinji Ikari ContraPoints in my head can be my super close friend, but if I expect the real Natalie Wynn to give me any more energy than she already does to her entire audience by making the awesome videos I enjoy so much, I’d be really rude, demanding, and honestly not worthy of her friendship if it was “real.”

Parasocial relationships are relationships which means, just like with reciprocal ones, you have to not be a dick. You have to respect the other person and recognize they are a human being separate from you. Even with characters, Harry Potter can’t be hurt by anything weird and demanding you do, but Rowling could, and so could other HP fans, so respect is still important. If it’s not already clear, I strongly disagree with people who suggest fanfiction is disrespectful, so.

If you understand that your relationship is abstracted, and that you do not deserve any kind of reward for all the energy and love that you pour into it...then enjoy your parasocial relationship, because it is absolutely normative, human, and can bring great joy and meaning into your life. In fact, almost all of what I just said applies to reciprocal relationships, too.

[commodorecliche]

I'll be honest I'm not into He Tian/ Mo since so much of it from early on has been very physically abusive and i get that most of the fandom disregards that as "boys will be boys" but for me personally it's not an appealing relationship. But honestly you do you @ the people who are into that. I'm just gonna stay 10 miles away from it.

like... my biggest issue isn’t even that it’s such a toxic relationship (and let’s be honest here, it is toxic and unhealthy as it stands right now). my real issue is how so many fans reacts to the ship and say that clearly unhealthy behavior is cute and romantic. 

(buckle up kids, this post got long. i ramble a lot about them as characters and their relationship and their motivations) If you wanna skip all that, just read the last like... paragraph. 

like there’s literally nothing wrong with shipping and enjoying a toxic ship. nothing at all wrong with that. we are allowed to like things that are less than pure. we all have things that we like that are wrong/dark/problematique/whatever. but at the same time, i think it’s important that we are able to recognize that toxicity and not romanticize it just because we personally like it. i think it’s important to go “hey, I like this ship. It’s not healthy right now, it’s pretty toxic, maybe it won’t be in the future, maybe it will improve. but I recognize right now that it is unhealthy, and I still like it. and that’s okay.”

again, there’s nothing wrong with that!! human beings like dark things. it’s just how we are. but just because someone likes horror movies doesn’t mean it’s okay to go out and murder people. it’s important to go “wow, i love this fictional murderer! but i know that murder is still wrong.” just like we, as a fandom should say “hey, i love this fictional ship! but i know that they’re dysfunctional, toxic, and very unhealthy right now!”

but this fandom doesn’t really do that. in fact, it would seem that many aggressively don’t do that. many in this fandom will be outright rude to anyone who dares to say that tia/nshan’s behavior isn’t cute/romantic, will argue aggressively with anyone who says that mo is obviously uncomfortable and not just blushing cause of ‘gay panic’ or whatever. and that’s really unfortunate. because like i said, just because something is unhealthy doesn’t mean you can’t like it??

every single unhealthy, toxic, abusive thing he tian does to mo is seen by many fans as “cute” and just he tian “showing how much he cares”. mo’s constant discomfort at the things he tian does is, at best, ignored, and at worst, misconstrued. for example: a while back someone posted a picture set of the times mo was “blushing” because of he tian - but really it was just a picture collage of all the times that he tian has done something weird/unwanted/creepy and has made mo aggressively uncomfortable. 

and the things that are abusive (like the physical violence) just get swept under the rug by many fans. like, holy hell, he tian threw mo off of a bridge and into a creek. and the fandom just kind of ignores it and INSTEAD decides to focus on the panels after that scene in which he tian jumps down into the water and lifts mo out of the water as if it’s the cutest thing in the world he could’ve done. nevermind that he tian literally threw him off a bridge. he tian going down to ‘help’ mo doesn’t change the fact that he tian was the one who threw him off the bridge in the first place. (and let’s be clear of the reason why he tian threw mo off a bridge: it was because mo threw his phone and bag into the water. but the reason mo threw he tian’s phone and bag was because he tian had tons of creepy photos that he had secretly taken of mo. that’s not cute. that’s creepy and stalkerish. it’s a huge invasion of privacy to just take tons of secret photos of someone and mo is visibly unnerved by it. no wonder mo threw his phone and bag off the bridge! if it were a girl that he tian had done that to?? he would have been CRUCIFIED by fans. but because it’s two guys, somehow it’s cute now? 

my point is that... he tian and mo have a lot of problems. a LOT. but the fandom just doesn’t want to acknowledge it, opting instead to pretend that this relationship is okay and good as it stands right now. and what really sucks about that is that because of the fact that they are so dysfunctional right now, that means that they, as characters, have a huge opportunity for growth. they’re in a pretty bad place right now, but that means that they can only really go up. but we need to recognize that we’re sitting at the bottom of the barrel right now with this ship. and this fandom needs to recognize that they have to grow out of what they currently are in order to ever progress into something better.

there’s nothing wrong with liking this ship. i want to emphasize that again. because seriously, i mean that. i like tia/nshan. i have high hopes for the ship (even though OX continues to disappoint me. always one step forward, ten steps back with their progress it seems. that gets extremely frustrating when you think some progress has been made in their relationship and it just reverts back to toxicity but i digress). but i recognize that just because i personally like this ship and want them to eventually be happy/normal, that doesn’t mean the ship is without problems. it’s got loads of problems. and i’m just not sure why so many fans elect to ignore that fact? it’s shocking to me what this fandom will call cute or romantic. and maybe that’s my age speaking. i know many fans of this manhua are younger and just might not realize that this unhealthy behavior and not “cute” and don’t realize that this behavior will eventually have to stop if he tian and mo are ever to become something healthy.

now for some character analysis that no one asked for but that i am gunna type up anyway: 

right now, he tian and mo are 15-16 years old. they’re bratty, angry teenagers dealing with a lot of crap in their lives and neither of them have really had... great role models or easy lives that would lead to them being well-adjusted human beings. i think, given those circumstances, some of the unhealthy behavior they show makes sense. a lot of it can, i think, be chalked up to 1) their age and 2) their backgrounds. 

he tian is aggressively (and i mean AGGRESSIVELY) possessive and protective and i think it stems from the fact that he grew up learning that if you wanted something and wanted to keep it safe, you had to physically demand it and cling to it. but at the same time, he tian also grew up rich. let’s be real here: he’s spoiled. and he’s very accustomed to getting what he wants. it’s not a stretch to see that mentality extend to people he wants. and what he wants right now is mo. and he just kind of... does whatever he wants and whatever he thinks is necessary in order to exert control over mo and keep him close by. because he wants him, he wants to “protect” him (in his own weird way). and so he goes about showing this heavy affection in an extremely unhealthy and abusive way, complete with unwanted sexual advances, stalker tendencies, physical aggression, and manipulative behavior. i think... he believes his motivations to be good (because in his head he definitely cares for mo and wants to help him), but the way he goes about it is literally awful. again, if this were a girl instead of mo, we’d all be telling her to RUN. 

mo is a little harder to peg just because we still only know snippets of his past. but obviously, he’s had an absent father, he has had to become extremely self-reliant, has never wanted to depend on anyone or “owe” anyone anything. he was ostracized by his classmates when he was young: after going through an extremely traumatic experience (the restaurant scene, and then his father going to jail), his classmates branded him “bad” and not someone who could be trusted. mo then found friendship in the only place he could - with the other outcasts, and fell into the gang. every friendship mo has ever had has been toxic and physically aggressive and controlling. i mean, fuck, she li stuck dirty, dull thumbtacks into his earlobes as punishment for him standing up for another gang member. mo seems like he’s aching to have an actual sense of Self. he tian is... just another ‘friend’ who’s hurtful to him and is controlling over him. not to mention, we have no idea about mo’s sexuality. he obviously seems to have some deep rooted self-hatred and homophobia (the kid freaked out about getting a shot at the hospital in his buttcheek for god’s sake and then had a nightmare in which bullies at school said sexually aggressive things to him because he got a shot in his buttcheek). but at the same time he’s also obviously got some kind of... weird... i don’t know how to say it because it’s not affection, but... perhaps fascination with he tian. i’m not sure. because in his dream, he tian is the one that comforts him. and later on we see that mo even goes to help and ‘comfort’ he tian when he’s having nightmares too. but he’s also still aggressively uncomfortable with the things he tian does around him and the things he tian forces upon him. 

it’s just... it’s complicated.

and because of that, right now you can’t say that their relationship and the things they do to each other are cute... or happy... or well-adjusted... or even a relationship. right now, really all we have is a deeply dysfunctional acquaintanceship that is being progressed by... control and manipulation. and yes, i have high hopes that... mo will find his sense of self and will discover what he feels and what he wants. and i have high hopes that he tian will realize how he’s behaving and will come to understand that the things he does are not... good or kind... especially to someone you supposedly like and want to protect. and i mean, maybe we’re seeing a little bit of that? i mean, in the last couple chapters, we saw mo willingly asking he tian for a pair of black studs, that’s a pretty big forward motion, and mo being willing to tag along with he tian to go get them. he tian didn’t force him to climb the wall and skip class (definitely a departure from his usually forcefulness), mo went willingly. so... maybe right now we’re seeing a little development. but... like i said, OX tends to go... one step forward and ten steps back with them, and i’m afraid that the next time we see them interacting it’s going to be something violent or forceful or insulting or stalkerish. so, i just don’t know. 

but... really the long and short of it is that i wish more fans would look at tia/nshan and say “i like this ship but i recognize that it’s not healthy currently”. because that’s the truth. 

[nayeon-sadly-owns-me]

Due to common request, I have decided to do another breakdown but this time it will be of Stormy’s Fool's Gold . This will be split into two parts as it is very long because of the content it is going over.

I do not claim to have any of this be correctly what Stormy had intended but I do try my best. There will be grammar mistakes of course. I do hope you enjoy reading this though. 😊

If you get anything out of this, I want to provide evidence for why Sana’s attachment is unhealthy and why Nayeon isn’t a bad person for being able to provide Momo the happiness that she needs. If you don’t agree, then by all means it won’t hurt my feelings if you skip this : )

Spoilers beyond this point

We begin with a crying young Sana. She’s young enough to still be in the developmental stage of having to learn how to manage and control emotions. Enters in a young Momo who has no care in the world other than wanting to drink non-toxic glue and show off her Barbie sneakers. It’s interesting to point out that Sana’s crying probably saved Momo from a hospital visit or even death if she managed to swallow most of it.

This scene shows how well their dynamic is. Sana unintentionally saves Momo from herself, meanwhile Momo manages to unintentionally take away Sana’s need to cry at everything. It’s only natural that they end up sticking together, figuratively and literally thanks to Momo’s gluey fingers.

They’re a match made in sweet chaotic-matrimony. Sana gets an impressive house ban at the mere age of 6 just because they can’t contemplate the mess they made with ice cream. It is harsh to punish children because of a situation like this because they truly do not know. In their mind, the mess will be cleaned up by the time they leave the room because that’s how it usually works.

This ban leads to Momo staying at Sana’s house regularly to the point of being able to refer to Sana’s parents in a family manner.

However, it is here that a potentially unhealthy attachment develops on Sana’s part. Think of it like, a child being allowed to sleep in a parents bed every night without being forced to sleep on their own. They are unable to cope without the parent and become solely dependent on them. You might be thinking “What are you talking about?? Having a best friend is healthy???”.

Yes, having a best friend is very important for the social development process, but only having one friend by choice hinders them from being able to understand other perspectives and learn valuable lessons.

For now though, they make each other happy and that’s enough.

In playing pretend, Stormy made an interesting word choice by claiming that Sana is naturally the captain or the leader in other play situations. This perfectly sums up their friendship because Momo will follow what she does to the ends of the earth if it means making her happy. Think back to the scene that talked about Momo bringing an inedible cake and presents each year because that is what Sana wants. We never get a mention of what Momo wants.

(Fool’s Gold/Gold Dust parallel #1- Momo dreams of the stars.)

The scene of Sana getting revenge against Jaebum for simply making Momo cry, shows how clever she really is when she puts her mind to it. Her devotion to a happy Momo trumps any guilt for the act or even getting an entire class in trouble. All she takes away is that the stunt made Momo happy enough to kiss Sana’s cheek (Thus starting their “Totally-platonic-not-romantic-at-all” kissing of all kind).

An interesting thing to point out, is that the kissing began and ended with Momo. More on this later.

Another act of proof about Momo’s unconditional love for Sana would be redecorating her room to give it enough of a glow to relieve Sana of her fear of the dark. She thinks far enough to including a torch simply if she leaves the room and its dark. It’s pure and utterly adorable how Momo does whatever she needs to do in order to make Sana feel safe.

In return, Sana takes care of Momo because the poor girl needs somebody to look after her.

We get our first glimpse at a jealous Sana, it’s a very innocent jealousy though that comes from realizing other people know who Momo is too.

As somebody who has now spent quite a while studying children’s behavior and how it can reoccur later on in life, it’s hard not to point out how these early scenes contribute to Sana’s heartbreak.

It’s innocent, how much Sana prioritizes Momo and how she feels insignificant if she doesn’t get it in return. It’s not so innocent when these feelings grow and manifest later on in life.

Nether less, Momo knocks the valentine cards to the floor and prioritizes Sana’s because she knows that’s what’s going to make Sana happy. They’re both still happy and content with each other.

By the time Sana is 10, her jealousy of others showing Momo attention has grown to showing it physically. Any 10-year-old might feel grossed out at the thought of their best friend kissing someone, but marking said kisser as their mortal enemy because of it is a little much. I remember always supporting my friends in their “dates” and never feeling jealous.

Instead of acknowledging the idea that she should calm down because she might be a little ‘overprotective’ she picks the option to fight about the moral obligations she felt about kicking Jaebum. To pacify Sana, Momo kisses her. This is the first sign that their feelings aren’t exactly equal. While Sana’s heart is beating fast and she can’t talk- Momo does it with no hesitation or appearing the least bit phased. Why? Because Momo doesn’t see the big deal in kissing her and moves on quickly. Meanwhile, it means everything to Sana.

“They don’t bring it up, don’t talk about it, but Sana certainly doesn’t forget, even if Momo does.”

It takes Sana until she is 11 to be able to decide that she is ready for a friend that isn’t Momo. My opinion is that Momo could have made friends, but why do that when she is already making Sana happy. A happy Sana is a happy Momo after all.

Jeongyeon is the missing piece of the puzzle in terms of the SaMo dynamic. They’re so focused on each other’s happiness that they miss out on the times that they need to be more on earth. Jeongyeon plays a key role in keeping them out of trouble but allowing them to be themselves at the same time.

It also shows just how obvious Sana’s feelings for Momo are. How? Because she doesn’t treat Jeongyeon the same as Momo. She treats her as much of a friend that she is excited to get to know more about. It’s already early signs of being a much more balanced, healthy relationship.

The skate park scene makes me understand why people are so keen to believing that Momo returned those feelings. She is the one to make sure Jeongyeon wasn’t looking at them before kissing Sana briefly. I interpreted this as Momo doing the one thing she knows for sure how to do, and that’s make Sana happy. If kissing Sana will keep her from crying then she’ll do it as many times as she has to.

It becomes a thing about them, that they kiss. This aspect of them makes my job harder because it can totally be used to justify Momo’s underlining feelings towards Sana. I just don’t think that is the case and I’ll continue this when we get to later scenes.

We do get context on the fact that Momo has no interest in dating or marrying a man. Because of her close intimate relationship with Sana, it’s actually pretty common that she says she’ll marry her. She hasn’t met anyone remotely interesting in comparison to Sana after all. Even the gummy ring flashback showed how Momo interpreted marriage as a binding of two people- completely skipping over the love aspect because love is a concept that can’t be easily understood at the age of 7.

It’s at 12 that she is taught that what makes marriage special is that it’s about being with the person she loves. This is all thanks to an awkward dinner conversation in which her homophobic mom is clearly hyperfocused on the fact that her daughter’s friendship with Sana is not “normal” and can become “immoral”. Bullshit that I don’t agree with, with every fiber of my being but that is how her character is.

Momo’s mom clearly resents Sana because of the notion that if Momo does end up gay (which she is) then it will be Sana’s “fault”. A reputation that darkens the mother’s perspective of her to a large degree.

It’s only natural that Momo defends her, thus stepping out of line for the first time. She keeps the event and her punishment a secret from Sana because she knows that it will upset her. This is the first time we see that Momo prioritizes Sana’s happiness over own. She chooses to kiss the girl, openly showing that it is a tool to distract her from asking questions about Momo’s own well-being.

Even when she is rejecting boys (something Sana detests for obvious reasons) she is still focused on making sure Sana is happy by holding her hand. I’d like to point out that Sana has never had anyone pursue her of any kind. She really is that obvious.

When we spend a lot of time online or in our own world, we forget how cruel the world can be. Jeongyeon recognizes that and provides the protection that keeps them safe. She is not only the lame but entertaining friend but also the one who will keep them safe.

Like I’ve talked about previously, Momo is a self-sacrificing person in regard to Sana. She doesn’t talk about her feelings because she views herself as a beacon of happiness that shouldn’t go out. It’s when Sana is 13 that she starts to express her dissatisfaction with hearing Momo say she is “fine” when she clearly isn’t.

(FG/GD parallel #2 Momo’s parents forgetting about her to some extent)

This leads to Momo becoming very ill at the expense of her parent’s neglect. It’s also a revelation for Sana that if Momo can keep this a secret then what else has she kept?

Momo knows how much Sana cares about her, so when Sana comes in to scold her, she stops her. She puts blame onto herself and shines a golden light onto Sana by claiming that she was right. She is feeling guilty for keeping her feelings to herself. In the grand scheme of things, it pushes their friendship forward. It makes Sana realize that she can’t ignore what Momo feels even if the girl says she’s fine.

Sana wears her emotions on her sleeve, that has been obvious since the very first scene of this fic. It becomes common sense to Momo that a kiss can be the thing that makes things right. It’s gone from a fun thing to a more serious endeavor. This was their first genuine kiss that wasn’t a peck. Momo wants Sana to know that she won’t do it again, and this is how she shows that promise.

It’s an intimate scene that shows how much they care for each other. They are each other’s soulmates. That’s what makes it soul-crushing to watch Sana fall for Momo. Up until this point, any reader can think that Momo must be falling for her too. That is how normal fic clichés work. If you should know anything about Stormy, it’s that she tries to avoid following the norm.

It is broken by the angry display of Momo’s homophobic mother. She forces Sana out of bed in what can be considered to be child abuse behavior. The mother must be still seething from the lecture she got from Mrs. Yoo. Blaming her bad parenting on Sana because anything that goes wrong with her daughter must be her fault somehow.

By the end, we get the fact that Sana has decided that no one can care about Momo the way she does. The innocent affection has now begun to turn less innocent through this rough encounter.

In Asian culture, being rude to a parent is something unthinkable. It shows how high she thinks of Momo when she apologizes and doesn’t feel the least bit guilty. In fact, she feels more agitated that she has to in the first place. It’s an upgrade from pouring paint in Jaebum’s shoes, and not a very good one.

(For anyone caring- Tweedledee is Sana and Tweedledum is Momo)

Something to point out, Momo apologizes for ruining the Dirty Dancing signature dance move. She continues the trend of being the one to blame herself for anything that goes wrong with Sana. Minus Sana taking the blame for the ice cream at Momo’s parents house. It’s a brush away moment, but significant nether less.

We’ve now entered the years where denial begins to play a role in their relationship. Before that stage though, there must be a period of obliviousness. Someone might say that at 14, a person should be well aware of their feelings by then. Well, when you’ve grown up with someone and live in a homophobic world, you can convince yourself otherwise.

It also doesn’t help when your best friend kisses your face the way Momo does to Sana. Stormy does an excellent job at showing how confusing Momo’s antics can be. Have I mentioned that it’s hard to justify my previous statements because of this? Well it is.

Leave it to Jeongyeon to disrupt the moment. This leaves Sana moving away in a panic, clearly affected by the kiss like the day Momo first kissed her. Momo continues to act unaffected and moves on like it was just a casual thing. Because to Momo it is a casual thing.

The dreaded boarding school scene happens and it’s hard not to root for Sana to follow her impulse and sign up too following Jeongyeon. It’s clear that Sana’s parents are rooting for her and Momo when they let her follow Momo without any further arguments. They always were the cool ones though. Whether their cool parenting style had any negative effects on Sana’s development is up to your interpretation though.

Boarding school gives them the freedom that they never had. It also gives them the freedom to meet new people. We begin to meet the other 6 members through introductions and shenanigans that bring them all together. Although they have more friends than ever, Sana still finds her mind stuck on Momo alone.

Momo, on the other hand, finds herself instantly smitten with Nayeon. Whether Sana wants to admit it or not, she is ultimately threatened by Nayeon’s presence and chooses to dislike her like she was with Jaebum.

Their innocent kisses have now turned into full on make out sessions. Sana is still oblivious to her own feelings but is able to unknowingly satisfy them with kissing Momo. We do not get any context on what Momo is feeling (something done completely on purpose). My idea is that is has something to do with her want to feel something, whether it is to be wanted or to simply be with Sana. Theres no indication behind her motives as to why she takes kissing further.

All we get is that there is passion between them that never gets addressed. They’re exploring their sexuality with each other because it seems so perfectly ideal. Why kiss or have sex with someone who isn’t your favorite person in the world? We know it can’t be all innocent based on the fact that Momo apparently ripped Sana’s shirt open, breaking 5 buttons. (Im so proud of her)

It’s not innocent when there is marking and moaning involved either. We know though, that they’re extremely into it. The question is, are they into it for the same reasons. Well the answer isn’t simple. With Momo moaning her name and holding her so shes basically riding her thigh- it’s extremely easy to get caught up in the momentum of going SHE LIKES HER. GOD WHY WON’T SHE REALIZE IT. It’s so frustrating to argue against because it feels so right in the moment.

Leave it to Jeongyeon to walk into it again, but also leave it to her to believe that it really is platonic making out and refusing to believe that there really isn’t something there. (This is from Ultraviolet)

For the third time, we get a shell-shocked, hormonal Sana who wants to make it look like nothing happened. Momo continues to act like nothing is out of the ordinary. She doesn’t understand why they should act like anything is weird about it because it’s the thing that they simply just do. In concerns to everyone else, it is not just something that people just do. That’s why it’s hard to grasp and understand why Momo may not feel anything for Sana. She just simply likes making Sana happy and liking the way Sana makes her feel.

We know it’s not as serious as Sana makes it out to be when Momo is able to openly joke about it like it’s nothing despite the fact that they haven’t told anyone about their thing ever.

What Jeongyeon doesn’t believe is that it’s completely platonic and can tell that it means more to Sana. After all, Sana had a pretty noticeable reaction. That’s my reasoning as to why Jeongyeon holds her back so tightly when Sana gives her an apologetic hug. It’s a way of saying “Tell me when you’re ready”. Although Sana doesn’t understand this yet.

This scene in the botany club plays a role in providing substance for Nayeon and Momo’s scene later on.

We finally get to a first temporary love interest for Sana, Eunha. Who catches Momo and Sana playing a ‘platonic’ game of slapping each others buts and trying to get a reaction out of each other. The first glance that the two share is intriguing. It’s something Momo supports of completely as she encourages it by leaving them alone. It’s the first time we watch Momo practically give Sana to someone else and no hesitation.

It’s further supported by the fact that Momo is glowing with pride at knowing that Sana and Eunha are a thing now. There are no bad feelings compared to how Sana would feel if the situation was reversed. It’s here that I really got the feeling that Momo really doesn’t see Sana in that way. It’s not her being oblivious to her own feelings. Of course, you don’t have to agree with me.

Even Jeongyeon questions it because she thinks that Momo has to have feelings for Sana too if they platonically kiss as much as they do. Momo knocks it down by showing her complete enthusiasm towards the aspect of Sana dating with no hint of sarcasm or ill-will.

We get more context on Jeongyeon’s feelings for Bona, who is her roommate. We get a piece of information that Momo is still waiting on her own special girl. Cue Nayeon knocking on the door of course. The only thing I regret about this fic is that we didn’t get more of Nayeon before her and Momo became a thing. Instead, we get to watch Momo develop a crush on a girl that we had only heard bad things from (aka ultraviolet where her and Jeongyeon are mortal enemies) up until this point.

Of course, even when Sana is supposed to be ecstatic about being with Eunha, it feels empty like something is missing. Even when Eunha makes a comment about how she thought they were sisters makes Sana and Jeongyeon crack up. They are anything but sisters.

Things begin to break for the two when Eunha asks her to go all the way with her, but Sana realizes that she can’t. She isn’t Momo. That spells the end for their relationship. Eunha is fed up with being number two when it comes to who Sana pays attention to. She makes the interesting comment that Sana isn’t even sorry about not paying attention to her because Momo is involved.

Everything comes alive again when she kisses Momo though. Everything is good until it isn’t.

Sana wants more whether she realizes it or not. Even if that little push comes from a wet dream about her best friend that she totally doesn’t have a lot of feelings for.

Regardless, they continue on in their Summer adventures. Sana is troubled by her dreams and Momo has to figure out how to get her out of her own head without being too invasive. So she settles for ice cream.

The ice cream shop is owned by a lgbt+ ally who convinces herself that the two must be dating because of how they treat one another. Although Momo wants to argue back that they aren’t a couple, because they’re just best friends, Sana whole-heartedly agrees that they’re very happy together. Because what would their world look like if they really were a couple? We get to see though, that Momo doesn’t feel that same happy feeling that Sana gets to feel. Even if they got free ice cream out of it.

Sana doesn’t know how Momo feels. She never asked. It plays into the ‘there is hope’ aspect that is really tragic to read about. They haven’t talked about it, about any of it. So, when Sana has to keep her hormones in check, she has no idea if Momo is struggling too. In fact, I wonder if she ever even considered the possibility of Momo not feeling the same way.

Sana is so wrapped up in her own feelings, that she neglects Momos. It’s one of the first signs of an unhealthy attachment.

Their entire “friendship” is a gray zone that I doubt many of us could actually understand. If you think I can say something clever as to why Momo tries to turn Sana on during an animated movie- you’re wrong. I got nothing. Im just as puzzled as you are. These are the moments where it really does feel real for them both. That’s what makes the ending seem so promising.

They want their first to be with each other and everything continues to feel very right.

The situation that I talked about before with Sana trying to get her feelings in check without knowing Momo’s, has changed. It’s a change that is going to break Sana later on when she realizes that sex did mean different things for each other.

She believes that there is something between them, so when Nayeon comes in- it devastates Sana to find out that she isn’t the one.

Until then, Momo is still all of Sana’s and vice versa.

Theres a harsh realization that Sana is in love with Momo. It’s a feeling that many of us has been there. It’s a reason why so many of us rooted for Sana to get her girl by the end of it and why the ending was so heartbreaking. Because sometimes the girl doesn’t get the girl. It’s not because they weren’t good enough for each other, it’s because it wasn’t meant to be. But it’s harder to resist rooting for the one who was in your shoes before.

She does what many of us have done, she shoved her feelings to the back of her mind and decided that it would be an issue for another day. Because Momo is next to her and that’s all she needs (or so she convinces herself).

We get reminded how easily Sana can get jealous, even if it’s from Momo playfully flirty with Tzuyu. As much as Sana would deny it, she doesn’t like seeing anyone with Momo who isn’t Jeongyeon at this point.

Sana gets that soft reminder to her subconscious though that Momo has to be hers because why else would Momo beg her to fuck her on a trampoline. It doesn’t sound remotely comfortable. It’s such a soft and loving scene that it HAS to mean that they’re destined to be together. It could be just so easy for them to just talk and be together. It just isn’t that way.

We get another brutal reminder of how harsh the world is when Eunha and her goons are in the same board game club as Sana and Momo. It’s only natural that Eunha and her gang try to fuck with Sana anyway they can because they believe that Sana had led her on. Doesn’t make it right of course.

It especially doesn’t make it right when said fucking around entitles to trying to out SaMo and make everyone in the room acknowledge the fact that there HAS to be something going on between them. Because everyone, including themselves, conveniently ignores it.

Sana continues her habit of covering for the two, conveying a master response by playing pretend that they are in the game via request of Eunha. Momo happily agrees because how can she question Sana. This leads to everyone else playing in, ruining Eunha’s chance at revenge. It was a cheap trick that didn’t work.

Sana would be ecstatic if it weren’t for the fact that Momo later becomes occupied with miss Im Nayeon. A girl who isn’t Sana. When Sana gets her attention, Momo is dazed and taken back. A state that she has never been in with Sana before even when they were caught making out.

Sana feels that ping of jealousy.

(FG/GD reference #3 She’s forgetting something important)

[lesbian-ed]

(Please make this anonymous and maybe it’d be good to put this under a read more, because it’s quite long? I’m sorry about that. Thank you so much in advance.)

Hello, awesome mods. I’m sorry, but I just want to vent. I hope that’s okay? I’m a lesbian in my 20s. I’ve been aware that I’m same sex attracted since I was 12 (thought I was just bi at the time), and when I think back to my childhood, there were MANY thoughts and feelings  and situations that now make me think OMG THERE WERE SO MANY SIGNS. But anyway. My 1st gf was the 1st girl I developed major feelings for. She was my best friend in middle school.

After so much confusion and inner turmoil, I confessed to her and came out to her. I just wanted to let her know how I felt, I didn’t want to pressure her into a relationship if she was straight. I expected the friendship to fall apart, but I just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I really wanted to let her know I loved her.

We sorta kinda dated and became intimate, although it was nothing official? At least, not to her. To me, it was so real and important to me, but I always felt like it wasn’t that important to her.

She would still openly flirt with guys in front of me, she would still develop crushes on guys, etc. It was definitely confusing. I kept falling in love again and again, all she would have to do was kiss me, and I would be convinced everything was fine. We even had sex.

But she even said to be it was all an experiment for her, that she didn’t feel as strongly as I did even though she still loved me as a friend, and would make me feel horrible, saying she wishes she could be in a relationship where she can hold hands and not feel like everyone was staring. I didn’t feel fear or shame, but it was apparent she did. People at school would come up and ask if we were dating, and before I could say yes, she vehemently said no. It was heartbreaking.

She also became colder and colder, excluding me from friend gatherings and gossiping behind my back. This relationship couldn’t last.

When I finally got tired of just being an experiment and not feeling like the love was mutual, I broke up with her. And suddenly, all the coldness and indifference she felt towards me changed. She was livid. She turned all our friends against me.

In just the 2nd year of high school, I had lost all my friends and support. I was already a big outcast at school, so the very few people who did like me all collectively decided to ignore me.

The same friends who all said “Wow! Your’re bisexual? That’s so cool! All the scene kids are bisexual, so you’re automatically awesome!” suddenly changed their tune to “Uh, my mom doesn’t want me hanging out with you anymore. She’s afraid I’ll become a gay, too.” Or some homophobic bullshit like that. I was a pariah at my school. It is still difficult to talk about it. To me, losing all my friends like that at such a tender age fucked me up badly. I ended up becoming a recluse.

During my time as a recluse, I met this woman online. I was around 16 or 17, she was in her mid-twenties. I was beginning to feel more and more that I was a lesbian. This woman confided in me, we talked a lot, became close. She would tell me all her deepest, darkest secrets. Of her claiming to be a closeted lesbian in a small town like me, of the sexual abuse she had to endure, of her cousin dying in a car crash, of all her adventures in Germany, how worldly she was.

One night, she drunkenly called me on skype. My heart fluttered. She said I was her number 1. That same night, still drunk, she confessed her feelings for me, and I reciprocated. It is embarrassing to admit, but this woman became my world. She was a goddess in my eyes. I never felt so immobilized by love. And she took advantage of that, again and again. She only showed affection when she was drunk. She constantly invalidated my feelings. She belittled my fears and anxieties. Made fun of them, too. Something I’d never even imagine doing to her, with her troubles.

She would lose her temper with me all the time. I hate to say this, but I really think it’s true: She emotionally abused me. She would only talk about herself. She would go for days ignoring me. When I tried to make new friends my age, she would become jealous and accuse me of cheating. All the while, she would go out to bars and party and even go vacationing with her ex boyfriend. I was supposed to be mature and okay with that. Expressing my own jealousy was bad.

She would want to roleplay sex online, but when I saved every paycheck just to go meet her, she told me she felt nauseous just holding my hand or hugging me. Idk if I should have felt it, but I felt so horrible. I didn’t blame her, but I blamed myself big time. All I wanted was her happiness. There’s way too much to unpack; all in all, it was a toxic, unbalanced, unhealthy relationship. Terrible.

Whenever I would try to break away or cut off the relationship, she would do a complete 180 and act all romantic, mail me gifts I never asked for, etc. But then just after one week of being all lovey dovey with me, she’d go back to being callous with me. Never apologized to me. But I always felt like I had done something wrong. Idk.

I would always want to hear about her worries and problems, but when I wanted to talk about something troubling me, she’d insult me or not take me seriously. She often told me to turn off my emotions. “Just turn it off.” Her voice still haunts me sometimes.

When I finally, finally felt strong enough to truly break free from her and never reply and delete all contact info, it was incredibly liberating. And I felt like I could finally be myself after 4+ years. I’ve also had to do a lot of rediscovering who I am, because for all those years I felt I had to walk on eggshells and creative this perfect persona that would appease her.

She ended up marrying some guy. Here I am, now. 4 years have passed since then. I just. It’s hard. I live in a rural conservative town.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find a girlfriend who loves me and is good for me? I don’t know.

Not too long ago, I got stuck in some bad mental state where I felt so lonely and broken, I just really wanted to increase my probability of getting to be with someone. So, I tried very, very hard to be straight. I tried to get myself to like men. I tried to reconcile with the thought that I may not have a choice. But I am so thankful to say that I pulled myself out of that scary mindset.

Still. I’m scared I’ll always be alone. I don’t have any doubt in my mind that I’m a lesbian, and even feel pride, but I can’t see myself being happy? At least I won’t be trying to lie to myself or others, or hurting myself, but it still feels lonely.

I don’t ask for any miracle or advice, but I just wanted to share my story with someone? I’m sorry. I really love this blog. Thank you for taking the time to read all this.        

Please don’t apologize. You have all the right in the world to vent about this. And we’re there with you, I promise, we feel your pain.

You’re so so so brave and admirable, I can’t even imagine having the courage that you needed to have to get out of those relationships. I can’t even imagine being this strong.

I know those thoughts will be there, but I can promise you, none of what happened is you fault, none of it. Those women were despicable people who used you, the friends who abandoned you were pieces of shit too, none of it was your fault in any way. 

I’m so proud and happy for you that you were able to get out of those relationships. So so so fucking proud, and that you were able to remain true to yourself and still recognize that you’re a lesbian despite the shit you’ve gone through. Believe me, you should feel that pride.

Have you ever seen a therapist about this? It’s tricky, but if you can afford it (and are lucky to meet with the right one) it might be huge help on how to deal with all of this. If not, there are internet resources and articles written by therapists on how to deal with this. Some of it might help you deal.

I understand the loneliness and being scared that you’ll never find actual love, I’ve been there, I am there in some ways still, but it doesn’t have to be forever. Just think of it this way, statistically there has to be someone out there who is just the right person for you. Statistically, not every woman you will ever meet will be a demon, there are bad people out there but you’ve known them already, you know how to spot them and know to avoid them now. I understand if it scares you, but just try to get out there and meet other lesbians, even through the internet, many of us have our own horror stories, I promise you’ll find many women who’ll understand you. 

You’re the most amazing and strongest woman. Sending you all my love and hugs, I promise you, you can do this, for lesbians many times it’s about finding and creating our own happiness in a world that’s hostile to us. And that is hard, but we’ve always done it, and we’ll always will. 

Mod M :D

[greetings-from-the-suffer-puppet]

age doesn’t matter.

I’m fifteen years old, and American. Next year, I will be eligible to get a learner’s driving permit, have a relationship with an eighteen-year-old, and go on testosterone. These are things where age is a deciding factor.

But those aren’t what this post is about.

This post is about what happened to me between the ages of nine and thirteen, because there’s this misconception that toxic relationships are dependent on age. 

I’m not talking about abuse. We’ve all heard of child abuse cases, we’ve all heard about poor living conditions. Those affect people of any age.

We hear about teenagers whose families are great and who live in good homes, but who end up in bad situations anyway - teenagers who are old enough to make their own, fully informed decisions. Not kids. Children are supposed to be protected from that. 

I was a child when I entered the relationship that has left me with permanent trust issues and triggered the upswing of my depression. I was nine. 

So was the girl that hurt me.

I don’t want to undermine the horror of domestic abuse or abusive relationships. That’s not what I’m telling this story for.

I’m telling this story because everyone assumes that an abuser has to be an adult, or at the very least a teenager. Thirteen-year-olds don’t go on the news for physically abusing their crush. Eleven-year-olds aren’t reported to the school administration for emotionally abusing a “friend”.

Except when they are.

This is a true story. I wish to any higher power that I was making this up, but I’m not. This has scarred me, and I’m going to carry the impact of what happened for the rest of my life.

I’m not putting this under a read-more, but I am putting warnings so you can decide for yourself whether to read on or not. 

Warnings for bullying, depression, self-loathing, mentions of self-harm/thinking about self-harm, suicidal thoughts, manipulation, toxic/unhealthy relationships, and... and emotional abuse. 

I’ve never called it that before. 

To the people who were involved, if any of them ever find this:

I haven’t forgiven you. I hope I never will. 

When I was nine years old, a new girl came to our school. I’m going to call her S. 

She had six outfits to her name that she wore in different combinations. She always smelled strange and even though we didn’t share classes, I knew she wasn’t terribly smart. As a whole, the sixty kids in my grade either ignored her or directly bullied her. 

I pitied her. So did my friend J. So, a few months into the school year, we made a deal to attempt to befriend her. 

We treated the idea like a job. Neither of us actually liked her - there were reasons no one wanted to be around her - but we pitied her and no one else was willing to make the effort, so we kept at it. 

And then J quit. Literally. She went up to me and said “I can’t. She’s so awful. I can’t do this anymore.”

The two of them hated each other’s guts for the next two and a half years.

I didn’t give up.

I should have. I really should have. But I was young and I still believed that people were mostly good. I still trusted that anyone I met on the street was more likely to greet me with a smile than a threat.

I kept talking to S. I kept hanging around with her. I listened to her. I sacrificed time with my real friends for her. 

All the school’s anti-bullying videos were circulating and I myself was watching my sister be invited to things I was passed over for. I was sympathetic. I wanted this girl to be helped, and it was clear that no one other than me was going to do it.

The summer came and passed, and I went back to school no wiser about the pit I was slowly sinking into.

I was ten years old, and suddenly S was in all of my classes. I no longer had an escape. 

My best friends were no longer in my classes. My sister had never once been in a class with me at that school. My only friends that year that I could still see on a daily basis were J - yes, the J who S considered her mortal enemy - and two other girls, mutual friends of J and I. We’ll call them N and E.

Every day, I went to school and S was there. Every lunch, she followed me. Every recess, she dogged my footsteps. Every bit of time I had to be with my real friends, she would try to steal.

At some point she handed me a tourist-shop shell. She’d written “FRIENDSHIP” on it in black Sharpie. 

“Keep this with you,” she told me. “It’s to show how good friends we are!”

I put it in my backpack. I never found it after that. When I told her I couldn’t find it, she yelled at me and pouted. I apologized again and again. She told me we were still friends, so I was forgiven. 

Please remember that I was ten. I didn’t see the red flags going up. I didn’t know what to look for.

Even now, five years later, I’m still going back over those memories and recognizing things I didn’t at the time. I had never even considered the creepiness of that shell until my cousin compared it to her experience with a stalker ex-boyfriend. Here, have this token of affection... and if you ever tarnish it, you’re tarnishing our relationship, and you need to beg for forgiveness.

My depression was kicking in. My self-loathing was at a new high. I was going home and taking stock of all the things in my house that could kill me. I was in no shape to fight back against what S was doing to me.

I didn’t even realize that I needed to.

Things got worse.

S and J never stopped being at odds. They had screaming matches, hurling insults at each other whenever the teachers weren’t around. I was constantly treated to barrages on the other whenever I was in earshot of one of them. They’d fight, and it would fall to me to mediate.

It wasn’t an easy choice to make on who to support, though. J wasn’t a good person either. She was selfish and bossy and cruel; she was all the worst parts of becoming a teenage girl in a five-foot three-inch package. (Of course, the height absolutely lessened my intimidation of her. Of course. Not like she was the only girl taller than me in our grade, or that she’d taken scissors to my favorite shirt the year before without my permission, while I was wearing the shirt. Not like she was constantly demanding attention or insulting other friends. Not like she looked down her nose at me whenever I wanted to read something she didn’t like.) In fact, at some point during that year I and N confronted J about her behavior, essentially saying “You’re being awful and we’re not going to be your friend until you get your crap together”. (E, who’d never liked the drama, lurked quietly behind us.) 

I really was stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

It wasn’t an easy choice. S was clingy and off-putting, but J was arrogant and shallow. But J had N and E on her side - girls who had their flaws, but were leagues better than my other options - and so when it came down to it, I was on her side.

I think that made S more angry. It makes me wonder if she’d have still done what she had, if I’d come down on her side more often.

At some point that year, I did something immensely stupid.

The school had an event, and I met S’s mom for the first time. S wasn’t there, but my sister and my mother were.

We got to talking about S. S had told her mother about me, of course. I was still the only friend she had - sure, my sister and her friends were kind to S, but they were kind to everyone - and she was clearly excited as hell to have me.

“Your daughter’s kinda clingy,” I said, ten years old and buzzed on sugar and feelings things I didn’t understand. “Like... she goes way overboard. I get that I’m the only friend she has to talk to, but it’s... it’s a lot, you know? I wish she’d lay off a little. I barely have any time to spend with my other friends.”

My sister and mother acted like I was crazy for saying that to S’s mom. I’m not going to say they were wrong. 

S approached me the next day. “My mom said you told her I was clingy? That you wanted me to leave you alone! I know she’s lying. She lies all the time. You didn’t say that, right?”

“No, I didn’t,” I said. (I still wonder what might have happened if I’d told her the truth.)

“I knew she was lying,” S said. She was smiling at me. I could see my friends behind her across the playground. 

“Uh-huh,” I said.

I didn’t know what I was doing at the time. I was ten. The only ten-year-olds who learn these things are the ones who come to school with bruises.

I know what I was doing now, five years on.

My mother had set up meetings with one of the teachers at the school to talk about the situation with S and J. It helped to talk, but nothing changed.

I’d told my sister and my mother and to other friends. Mom could only be there at home, and my sister and friends were in other classes. They couldn’t help me. 

The school had done nothing. My family couldn’t do anything. My friends couldn’t - or wouldn’t - do anything, either.

I was reaching out to the only source I had left: the mother of the child causing my problems. Deep down, below conscious thought, I knew that if I could get S’s mother to take my side, her daughter would have to leave me alone. 

But that’s not how it went. S’s mom didn’t take my side, and I didn’t stand up to S by telling her the truth.

So it went on.

That summer was the summer I discovered fanfiction.

Suddenly, the internet exploded with possibilities. Suddenly, I could hide from my problems by diving into interpretations of my favorite fictional characters. 

Fanfiction was one of three main escapes I had from S and J that year.

The other two were special school programs. AMP picked a few kids from sixth grade who passed their tests and dropped them into a middle-school class on Pre-Algebra, skipping sixth-grade math entirely. TAG piled a dozen kids from various schools into a bus every other day and sent them to another school for a few hours to explore other aspects of education.

S was in my classes again, but that didn’t matter. I was only in school half the time, and even then, we were on different levels of the curriculum. I had to see her often, but she rarely had the time to speak with me.

My best friends - my real friends - were in my classes again too. A couple were even in AMP and TAG with me as well. 

Sixth grade was off to a far better start.

S realized she was losing me, I think.

I wasn’t quiet about the fact that I was going to a private school for the next chunk of my schooling. After this year, I was never going to see S again. 

She was louder that year. She yelled at J more. She got into more fights.

I kept pulling away. I wasn’t out of the pit yet, but I’d been thrown a rope and a whole bunch of people were pulling me up.

The final straw came in the spring. It seems so small and petty, now, as a teenager who’s seen how terrible humanity can be, but S writing “I hate [best friend’s name]” was the cruellest thing I’d ever seen her do.

She could do what she wanted to me, and I’d take it. But insult my friend, and I was done. 

I stopped approaching her (not that I’d had to since fourth grade; she always barreled toward me whenever she saw me). I stopped talking to her. 

(I started pulling back from J, too. I was tired of friends that weren’t worth my effort.)

That left S standing at a crossroads.

She could accept the inevitability of change - we were going separate paths and she’d crossed a line I couldn’t forgive her for - or...

Or she could cling harder, and cross a line so extreme that I’d never considered the necessity of drawing it. 

Every year, a pair of jugglers performed at my school. The graduating sixth graders (eleven-year-olds) would perform as well. I finished my act, went offstage, and circled around the auditorium to stand in the back and watch my friends perform.

I don’t know where S came from. She was just... there, suddenly, next to me, grabbing my arm.

“Can you come to the bathroom with me? There’s something I need to tell you.”

I don’t know why I said yes. I shouldn’t have said yes. I should have pulled away and walked away and left her there. 

But I didn’t. I said, “Okay,” and followed her into the girls’ bathroom.

Five years on, I believe that I wasn’t really thinking that night. If I’d been firing on all cylinders, I wouldn’t have done what I did. I wouldn’t have gone along with her and I would have recognized the marks for what they were and I would have fucking left without spilling my soul out to someone taking advantage of me.

But I was tired and jittery from my performance, and I’d had a lot of candy, and I was feeling like being kind. 

(And people wonder why I’m the cynical, sarcastic twin. What the hell has kindness gotten me in the past few years?)

She pulled up her sleeve and said “I’m cutting myself.”

She didn’t warn me. She didn’t say it shamefully or tearfully or like a challenge. She said it... bluntly. A fact. 

(It wasn’t a fact.)

It wasn’t a cut she showed me. It wasn’t even a damned scar.

It was a bruise.

For gods’ sakes, it was a bruise. I was eleven, not four, I knew the difference between a bruise and a cut, but - 

...but I believed her. 

I don’t know why. There is no explanation I can offer you for how my brain accepted her bald-faced untruth. 

If that was all that happened in that bathroom, I might have been okay. Shaken and startled, yes, but the therapy I’ve been attending for the past year and a half could have dealt with the aftershocks of that moment.

But that wasn’t all that happened in that bathroom.

I’d been dealing with my depression for two years by then, entirely by myself. Never once had I told anyone about the voice in my head that constantly told me all the ways I was a bad person, or the sometimes urge to take one of the knives from our butcher block and find out how much pressure it would take to split my skin, or the list of ways to die that ran through my mind on days I’d done badly in school.

Abruptly faced with someone whom I believed to experience the same thing, how could I keep quiet?

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“I promise.”

I came home. Went to bed. Went to school. Went to TAG. Tried not to cry on the bus home. Got off the bus and fell into my mom’s arms, sobbing out the (edited) story of what happened that night. 

(My mom wouldn’t know about my depression for another two years.)

My mom called the school. In another week or two, I was called to the principal’s office for the first time in my life.

I stood up from my desk with the classroom gaping at me in shock. I walked out without a word or a backwards glance.

The principal said a whole lot of words in that meeting.

Most of them don’t matter.

The only thing that matters was the point of the meeting, the message she rambled over in sentence upon sentence instead of the four words she could have used.

“S lied to you.”

She was eleven. So was I.

She was so desperate to keep me by her side that she’d shown me a bruise she’d gotten from falling off her bed and told me it was a self-inflicted wound. 

She was so desperate to keep me hers that she claimed to be doing one of the most horrific things someone can do to themself, and managed to pick the one thing that would resonate with me the most.

She’d figured out by then that it was pity that kept me with her. What better than self-harm to induce pity?

For so long, that was what I focused on taking away from this. The betrayal. The lie. The desperate clinginess - damn near bordering on obsession - that made me feel like a favorite doll instead of a person.

But my trust and my faith in people weren’t the only things that S ruined that night. 

For the first time in my life, I had told someone about the darkest parts of me. For the first time in my life, someone knew about the voice in my head and the pit in my stomach.

And it was someone who didn’t deserve my secrets.

I did my best to avoid S after that.

She kept approaching me, though.

She never once apologized. All she ever said about the matter was “Why did you tell?! You promised you wouldn’t tell!”

I graduated. I never saw S again.

But that’s not the end, because with my luck, of course I run into the same kind of shameless manipulator two years later in my new school.

[twelvebyseventyfive]

Flaws in wine? What about flaws in people?

As many readers know, my latest book was on wine faults. Titled Flawless, it examines the different wine faults one by one, and tries to put them in context. Ultimately, my goal in writing this book was to have a more nuanced debate on faults in wine, especially because many ‘fault’ compounds can be good in one context and bad in another, and the absence of faults doesn’t make a wine good or interesting.

But what about faults in people? This would make an interesting book. Maybe I have missed a trick here? We are all flawed, in many ways, but we strive to be good humans (well, at least most people do), and to be self-aware about our own flaws, and try to work on them a bit, at the same time realizing that while we’ll never be perfect, this doesn’t stop us being loveable.

So, here’s my take on a few human flaws, in no particular order. And this is by no means a complete list. Can you add any more?

  Selfishness This is at the core of most problems in any human interactions. To use a viticultural metaphor, it’s the trunk disease of the human soul. It’s a particularly corrosive fault, because it eats us up from the inside and diminishes our humanity, if we allow it to take root. The core problem with selfishness is how we see ourselves in relation to the world around us. We behave selfishly because we think we are somehow better than those around us, and more deserving. Our interests come first, and we take more than we are entitled to.

We are probably all born a little selfish, but it’s a trait that we need to shed. Often, having children beats any residual selfishness out of us – at least, if we are good parents – because this forces selflessness on us. We have to give to our children, and the act of caring for them softens our heart (and tires us out), and we learn that it is truly better to give than to receive, and that we are not the centre of the universe. I think it’s the daily discipline of putting others’ interests first and saying no to selfishness that is the path to happiness. Allowing selfishness to take root in us and grow is certainly a path to great unhappiness and an inner deadness that will eventually consume us.

Jealousy Jealousy is really really bad, and we must do all we can to avoid it. The moment we get a jealous thought, we need to kill it. Because, just as selfishness does so effectively, jealousy will eat us up, and do grave damage both to our state of mind and our close relationships.

This is the truth: you have been dealt a hand of cards, by your genetics, the date and place you were born, and the family environment you were born into. Some people get dealt a much nicer hand than others, and there’s nothing you can do to change this. But you must remember two things: you are not defined by those cards, and you can do a lot to change your fate and destiny – it is not fixed. There will always be people smarter than you and people richer than you and people more beautiful than you, and modern communication reminds you of this all the time. [In the past you could have been the smartest or prettiest in your village, but now everyone is comparing themselves on a global scale. It’s not very helpful.] But remember, also, that our society over-values certain traits, such a youth, success and a certain notion of attractiveness, and this is quite unhealthy. You need to remember that you are unique, and special, and that everyone is of equal value, no matter what society says. I think there are two antidotes to jealousy. The first is gratitude: being thankful for what we have. The second is to stop all these harmful comparisons with others. We need to celebrate our uniqueness. And when it comes to jealousy in romantic relationships, this has to be knocked on the head. Trust your partner. If they aren’t trustworthy, then leave them. [If you can; I know it’s not always possible.] But don’t be hyper-vigilant of their relationships and friendships with others, especially on social media. This can never end well.

Meanness Some people are generous. Other people are quite mean. And the amazing thing is that often people who are mean aren’t aware of it. Try being generous: it’s a much nicer way to live. It starts a flow: the more you give, the more resources you seem to have. That’s been my experience. Meanness often stems from a mindset of not having enough – a false idea that resources are somehow limited. It’s a mindset that seems to affect decision making more generally, and people who live in meanness are generally poor in business, and end up having loveless relationships. Their hearts are cold. Don’t be mean. Live generously. Give creatively. We can be prudent with our money and manage our finances well, but we must beware straying into meanness.

Judgmentalism Do you find yourself judging other people? Are you very critical? Well, you should stop, of course, but there is something useful you can learn from dissecting your judgemental thoughts. Judge others gently, with lots of grace, because ultimately we would like to be judged gently in return. In truth, you cannot hope to know the internal state, motivations, or intentions of others, so you should refrain from being too critical of them. They might be under extreme pressure, or have had a brutal childhood, or just have had a very bad day. And don’t be one of those hate-filled people who join in Twitter mobs, attacking other people. It’s not very nice. What can we learn from our judgmental tendencies? Well, often, we are hardest on traits in others that we struggle with ourselves. Our judgemental thoughts are like a mirror: when you punish something in other people, are you subconsciously punishing yourself? It’s not always the case, but it often is.

Cynicism We can’t be bright, optimistic and naively cheerful all the time. Satire is a very valuable form of comedy, for example. And it’s appropriate to be questioning and wordly wise. But there are some people who are bitterly cynical, and it gets a bit toxic after a while. Cynicism is a form of negativity, and like salt and pepper on your food, it’s good in small doses but spoils everything if you apply too much. Don’t let negativity and cynicism become your default position. Try to see the best in situations, and in other people. Think the best of others until you are proved wrong.

Entitlement Entitlement is ugly, but feeling entitled can be an easy trap to fall into, especially if you are successful, or wealthy, or highly educated, or beautiful. You can begin to believe that you are special, and that you deserve more than others. More respect, more money, more resources. Entitled people think that other people are there to serve them. They think that queues are for losers. They expect the red carpet treatment. They think that the rules don’t apply to them. It’s not nice.

Greed I guess greed is related to entitlement and selfishness. It’s the practical manifestation of these flaws, and the cause of many of the problems in the world today. Let’s slice the cake more evenly.

Narcissism So many of these faults occur together, don’t they? A bit like wine faults. Narcissism is self-obsession, where we see ourselves as being at the centre of the universe, and where we find it very difficult to see things from the perspective of those around us – or even to care terribly much about the lives of others. Narcissistic people are often grandiose and entitled, and they aren’t all that nice to be around. The best way to deal with them is just to stroke their egos and keep them happy. Then everything is fine. If you are narcissistic, you probably don’t realize it, because as soon as people realize it they usually do something to stop it.

Egotism Egotism shares much in common with narcissism. Egotistical people see and feel everything as it relates to them. Many media people often have large egos because they are used to hearing others tell them how good they are. Egotistical people deal very badly with ageing because they can’t bear to think of a world without them. They fail to see that the world was doing fine before they were born, that they are here for a brief time, and that it doesn’t end well for any of us. We all age, and this is a normal part of life. And death is a normal part of life. We have to recognize that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, that we live our life in seasons, that we take the baton and then pass it on to the next generation, and then we leave the stage. Watch the Lion King, egomaniacs: it’s the circle of life. Watching the way celebrities fight the ageing process by surgery and punishing exercise routines is a great display of the futility and ugliness of egotism. Egotistical people also hate challenges, and if you cross them (or they are under the impression that they have been crossed), they can be very vindictive. They need lots of stroking and badges of success to make them tolerable to be around.

Regret Do you have a time machine? No. No one does. So stop dwelling in regret: it will freeze you and stop you moving forwards. The only regret that is allowed is the temporary state of regretting an action that then leads to positive change. Once an action is done, it can’t be undone, although it is possible to strive to ensure a regrettable action is not repeated. Many people, though, make their emotional home in regret and it becomes a prison from which it is hard to escape. If you are filled with regret, the antidote is to re-cast your narrative using the foundational truth that nothing is wasted. All the experiences you have had, good and bad, have helped forge the you of today. There’s a lovely Japanese term – kintsugi – referring to the way a pot is repaired with gold leaf. The broken pot is a work of art, and is very beautiful. Life is difficult and we have all faced challenges, and we will face many more in the future. We are like the broken pot: if we allow the troubles and pain to be redeemed by processing them in a healthy way, then we can be repaired – and as people we will ne richer and more beautiful than before.

  from Jamie Goode's wine blog http://www.wineanorak.com:/wineblog/uncategorized/flaws-in-wine-what-about-flaws-in-people For Fine Wine Investment opportunities check out Twelve by Seventy Five: http://www.twelve-by-seventy-five.com/

[russellthornton]

Toxic Love: 13 Ways It Can Harm You Permanently & How to Get Away

Being in a really unhealthy relationship can actually hurt your psyche for good. Find out how to get away from toxic love and remain whole and healthy.

It’s never easy to admit that you’re in a harmful, unhealthy relationship. In fact, it’s so difficult to face that most of us are in denial about it for a very long time. We don’t want to admit that toxic love has leaked into our lives so we just go about our day as if nothing’s wrong.

But that’s super unhealthy and can have lasting harmful effects. When you ignore the negativity in your life, you’re not preventing it from taking hold. Instead, you’re actually allowing it to dig its claws deeper into you and take control.

How to know if there’s toxic love in your life

First, you really have to be open to the idea that your relationship may be harmful for you. If you don’t acknowledge that, you’ll never see the problems. Then, you really need to think about how you feel around that person.

Are you drained or are you excited and content? Does your temper increase or are you pretty calm and patient? These things, among many others, are major signs your relationship is unhealthy.

Think about the way they treat you and if you’re proud to talk about the things they do for you. Do they brag about you and support your goals? Or do they insult you and make you feel worse about yourself? I think you can determine which is toxic and which is healthy. [Read: 18 critical signs of an unhealthy relationship]

How toxic love can permanently or severely damage your psyche

You might think it’s not a big deal if your partner picks on you from time to time. And while certain teasing is cute and fun, other comments could end up hurting you a lot more than you think. Here are some ways toxic love can derail your mental health in long-lasting or even permanent ways.

#1 It can increase your anxiety. When you’re in a toxic relationship, anxiety runs amuck. You’re constantly overthinking your own behavior and that of your partner. You never want to upset them and make them angry so you’re worried about what you’re doing all the time. This can have lasting effects and you could end up living with that anxiety long after you’ve ditched that toxic person. [Read: What it feels like to experience anxiety in a relationship]

#2 You’ll become more insecure. In a toxic relationship, insecurity is increased immensely. Your partner is continuously making you feel as though you’re not enough.

When you’re repeatedly put in that mindset, your brain will start to think it’s true. And the worst part is that it’s easier to become insecure than it is to build up that confidence again. Meaning, the effects last a very long time.

#3 You may harbor trust issues. Not being able to trust people is a major issue. If you can’t trust others, you won’t be able to form solid friendships or even other relationships. And since toxic love creates huge issues with trust, it’s just one of the lasting effects of such a negative relationship. [Read: How to get over trust issues]

#4 You can become depressed. Depending on how severe your relationship is, you can become depressed. Many unhealthy relationships separate you from your friends and the things you enjoy in life.

You’ll also have bigger issues with trust and insecurity and those things can easily cause you to become depressed. And depression is no joke. It’s a serious matter that can impact nearly every aspect of your life.

#5 Your job can suffer. If you’re depressed and struggling with life in your relationship, that’s almost guaranteed to bleed over into your work life, too. That means your career can suffer greatly and you may not be able to advance or have the job you truly desire, all of which can impact your future in major ways.

#6 Your health can decline. Because you can fall into depression and have anxiety, your health can suffer. You’re more likely to get sick and have to take off work because your immune system can be compromised with excessive anxiety and depression. [Read: 18 emotions you shouldn’t feel in a healthy relationship]

#7 Your other relationships can be ruined – for good. I bet your friends and family have already made their distaste for your relationship known. If that’s the case and you didn’t see the problem before, you probably grew apart from them.

This is very common with toxic love. Your other relationships can sometimes be permanently damaged because of your inability to see clearly in the relationship you’re in.

#8 Future romantic relationships could be jeopardized. If you don’t think your current relationship could ever impact your future ones, think again. Toxic love can be a major problem in your love life down the road.

Allowing someone to continuously make you feel awful will make it more difficult to trust others and form deeper connections later in life. [Read: How your first love can affect your future relationships]

#9 You can become overly negative. When you’re in such an unhealthy relationship, negative will become your new norm. And that alone will cause major problems in your friendships, your work life, and with your general outlook on life.

#10 You may end up feeling as though you don’t deserve love. This might be the worst impact toxic love can have on you long-term. When people are in unhealthy relationships, they’re often meant to feel as though their partner loving them is some special thing.

Their significant other can manipulate them into thinking their love is rare and they won’t get that love from anyone else. This can make a person feel like they don’t deserve love and, as a consequence, stop pursuing love in all forms. [Read: A real-life example of accepting the love you think you deserve]

How to get out of toxic love

If you’re ready to face the fact that you’re in an unhealthy relationship and you want to get out before things get too bad, here’s how you can do it.

#1 Reach out to a support system. You may not be getting along with your friends and family, but they’ll always be willing to help you get away from something awful for you. And if you still have a healthy relationship with all of them, that’s even better.

Talk to them and let them know how you’re feeling. They can offer you solutions and just be there to help you get through a really difficult time. [Read: How to let go of a relationship that’s bad for you]

#2 Talk to your partner. If you don’t feel safe doing this by yourself, have someone in your support system go with you. Tell them you can’t be with someone who’s so bad for you and then leave. Don’t allow them to try and get you to stay.

If the relationship is bad enough to be affecting your life in such a negative manner, you can’t even work things out. You need to just step away from the relationship and end things for good.

#3 Get professional help if you need it. If you were in a negative relationship for too long, you may have some lasting effects. You might not be able to work through things by yourself and that’s perfectly okay. Seek professional help in the form of a therapist or psychologist so you can start healing.

[Read: How to recognize and end toxic relationships]

Toxic love can mess up your life more than you think. If you’re afraid you might be in an unhealthy relationship, get away before you can’t fix what’s been broken.

The post Toxic Love: 13 Ways It Can Harm You Permanently & How to Get Away is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

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How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships and Be Yourself Again

Toxic relationships come in many forms, physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal and even emotional abuse. Sometimes the toxicity is almost subtle. But if you constantly feel controlled, manipulated or berated, then you may need to do some introspection. Toxic and abusive relationships are more common than you may realize. In fact, one statistic claims 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a partner. And that’s just in a single year [1]. More troubling, 43% of college women experience violent and abusive dating behaviors but 57% say they don’t always know how to identify it. And an incredible 58% say they don’t know how to help a friend in a bad situation.

In an even more unfortunate twist, many people who experience abusive relationships don’t think their relationships are abusive because they may not be getting physically assaulted. Yet for those who do manage to recognize the relationship they are in is a bad one, the impact the toxicity had can be a lingering one. The cruel words and treatments of an abusive partner can trick the victim into believing they are worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, and more. They can even begin to believe they deserve to be mistreated and fall into relationships that mimic the abusive behavior.

Why it should be fixed:

Abuse should never be tolerated. Period. And yet only 33% of teens who experienced a violent relationship actually told someone about it. This shockingly low statistic is not helped by 81% of parents refusing to believe teen dating violence exists. And that’s the other thing: Over 80% of parents feel they would definitely know if their child was being abused in some way, yet only 58% of those parents were able to identify warning signs. A lack of recognition from loved ones can further push you to believe you deserve to be mistreated. And it isn’t true.

Yet the side effects are chilling. Check out these facts from loveisrespect.org:

Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications by putting the victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.

Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STI.

Half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape attempt suicide, compared to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys.

It’s clear the effects of having an abusive and toxic relationship seriously and harshly impact the victim, even if they are able to leave the abuse. And even if you have experienced a toxic relationship and feel you successfully moved on, you should ask yourself if you truly have.

How to Identify a Toxic Relationship:

Before trying to get back to your truest self and move on from a toxic situation, it’s important to identify the warning signs that you are in one to begin with.

Narcissism: If your partner is uber obsessed with him/herself, it will be impossible to ever feel like a partnership. This doesn’t mean your partner loves to take selfies, but rather extreme selfishness when it comes to their own talents and the need for admiration.

Drama, Drama, Drama: If you are in a toxic relationship, you may find yourself more stressed out than you’ve ever been and feeling that your life is incredibly complicated. Remember that a healthy relationship improves your life. All relationships (healthy and otherwise) come with occasional drama, but if it’s consistent, take note; it may be a bad situation.

You just can’t seem to do anything right: Do you ever feel like you’re always being told that something you did was wrong? A toxic relationship can cost you your sense of self worth and success. Don’t waste your time!

Their jokes are anything but funny: When your partner teases you, do you get the sense they are actually saying cruel things to you behind the mask of humor? Teasing in a relationship is fine, but when the teasing seems more like bullying, it may be time to step away.

You no longer recognize yourself: If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you may realize you’re acting strangely to those around you. Maybe you’re more quick to anger, or your drinking/smoking habit has increased. Perhaps your work has really become lackluster but you don’t care to improve upon it. This is a big red flag that you’re in a toxic relationship and it is having a terrible effect on you.

How to get out and get help:

Getting out of a toxic relationship is often times not easy, but it is necessary. So many of us feel like we need to be in a relationship, but that isn’t the case. In fact, feeling completed only when in a relationship is a sign of codependency. And that isn’t healthy. And if you’ve been reading this as a single person and yet you identify with the words, know it is possible to be in a toxic relationship that isn’t romantic. If your mom is constantly telling you you’re overweight or not successful, you’re in a toxic relationship with her! No matter who you find to be toxic in your life, it’s crucial to get out before you lose all sense of yourself.

Accept you are in denial.

We all want to believe we are happy, but sometimes we aren’t. And often times, it’s not your fault. If you feel depressed or depleted after spending time with a certain person, go back through the warning signs. If they all line up, recognize that you need to get out.

Heal.

When you get out of a toxic relationship, you often feel emotionally damaged. Make a list of the things you used to love about yourself. Can you claim those same things now, or did that toxic relationship convince you those traits weren’t attractive? Surround yourself with positive people who inspire you to love your true self again.

Kelly McDaniel, author of ‘Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex and Relationship Addiction says the following:

The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

Stop all contact! Period!

Any kind of breakup (healthy, toxic, romantic, non-romantic) is hard. And we often feel the need to hang on to some kind of friendship with that person. Even if they were abusive, we want to reach out on occasion in a friendly text so they know we don’t hate them. Why? This is one of the worst things you can do if you are trying to overcome a toxic relationship’s hold over you. Many abusive and toxic people have a sweet side. This is often what causes us to think they can change, or that it wasn’t really that bad. But don’t be fooled into reengaging. Do whatever it takes to strive for zero contact [2].

Expect more drama.

Unfortunately, in today’s world of social media and instant gratification, breakups tend to come with a lot of shade from the ex. This can sometimes mean being made out to look like the bad guy, even though you may have been dealing with abuse. While this can be so heartbreaking, it’s important to remember that you know the truth.

Don’t give in and look like “the crazy ex,” but do surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. Remember that you did what you needed to do for yourself, and any argument you encourage based on lies will only cause the toxic person to persist. Block them on social media, block their number and don’t give in to the drama. You’ll never be able to truly overcome the experience if you allow yourself to look at the continued abuse every day.

Force yourself to overcome!

For some people, writing a letter to the person you want to let go is helpful. Obviously, you don’t want to send the letter! In fact, you can burn it or even bury it to signify the end of the relationship and gain closure. Pour out all the feelings and words you wish you could say and end the letter with acknowledgement of release. Try: I release you across all space and time. Thank you for helping me learn and grow.

Don’t ever tolerate it again.

Perhaps most importantly, don’t ever allow yourself to be mistreated again. When you’ve experienced a toxic and/or abusive relationship, you walk away knowing what to look for. If you find yourself dating someone who reminds you of that person, recognize the pattern you may be falling into and do what you need in order to get help and walk away.

If you are in the U.S. and need help identifying whether you or someone you love is in a toxic relationship, text loveis to 22522. You’ll receive a response from a peer advocate who can answer questions you may have.

To speak to someone, call 1-866-331-9474.

If you or someone you love has been driven to consider suicide after a toxic relationship, please know there are people who care. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-272-8255. For anyone outside the United States, click here to find help in your country.

Featured photo credit: William Stitt via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]^Love Is Respect Org: Dating Abuse Statistics[2]^Psychology Today: Three Steps for Getting Out of a Toxic Relationship

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How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships and Be Yourself Again

Toxic relationships come in many forms, physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal and even emotional abuse. Sometimes the toxicity is almost subtle. But if you constantly feel controlled, manipulated or berated, then you may need to do some introspection. Toxic and abusive relationships are more common than you may realize. In fact, one statistic claims 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a partner. And that’s just in a single year [1]. More troubling, 43% of college women experience violent and abusive dating behaviors but 57% say they don’t always know how to identify it. And an incredible 58% say they don’t know how to help a friend in a bad situation.

In an even more unfortunate twist, many people who experience abusive relationships don’t think their relationships are abusive because they may not be getting physically assaulted. Yet for those who do manage to recognize the relationship they are in is a bad one, the impact the toxicity had can be a lingering one. The cruel words and treatments of an abusive partner can trick the victim into believing they are worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, and more. They can even begin to believe they deserve to be mistreated and fall into relationships that mimic the abusive behavior.

Why it should be fixed:

Abuse should never be tolerated. Period. And yet only 33% of teens who experienced a violent relationship actually told someone about it. This shockingly low statistic is not helped by 81% of parents refusing to believe teen dating violence exists. And that’s the other thing: Over 80% of parents feel they would definitely know if their child was being abused in some way, yet only 58% of those parents were able to identify warning signs. A lack of recognition from loved ones can further push you to believe you deserve to be mistreated. And it isn’t true.

Yet the side effects are chilling. Check out these facts from loveisrespect.org:

Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications by putting the victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.

Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STI.

Half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape attempt suicide, compared to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys.

It’s clear the effects of having an abusive and toxic relationship seriously and harshly impact the victim, even if they are able to leave the abuse. And even if you have experienced a toxic relationship and feel you successfully moved on, you should ask yourself if you truly have.

How to Identify a Toxic Relationship:

Before trying to get back to your truest self and move on from a toxic situation, it’s important to identify the warning signs that you are in one to begin with.

Narcissism: If your partner is uber obsessed with him/herself, it will be impossible to ever feel like a partnership. This doesn’t mean your partner loves to take selfies, but rather extreme selfishness when it comes to their own talents and the need for admiration.

Drama, Drama, Drama: If you are in a toxic relationship, you may find yourself more stressed out than you’ve ever been and feeling that your life is incredibly complicated. Remember that a healthy relationship improves your life. All relationships (healthy and otherwise) come with occasional drama, but if it’s consistent, take note; it may be a bad situation.

You just can’t seem to do anything right: Do you ever feel like you’re always being told that something you did was wrong? A toxic relationship can cost you your sense of self worth and success. Don’t waste your time!

Their jokes are anything but funny: When your partner teases you, do you get the sense they are actually saying cruel things to you behind the mask of humor? Teasing in a relationship is fine, but when the teasing seems more like bullying, it may be time to step away.

You no longer recognize yourself: If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you may realize you’re acting strangely to those around you. Maybe you’re more quick to anger, or your drinking/smoking habit has increased. Perhaps your work has really become lackluster but you don’t care to improve upon it. This is a big red flag that you’re in a toxic relationship and it is having a terrible effect on you.

How to get out and get help:

Getting out of a toxic relationship is often times not easy, but it is necessary. So many of us feel like we need to be in a relationship, but that isn’t the case. In fact, feeling completed only when in a relationship is a sign of codependency. And that isn’t healthy. And if you’ve been reading this as a single person and yet you identify with the words, know it is possible to be in a toxic relationship that isn’t romantic. If your mom is constantly telling you you’re overweight or not successful, you’re in a toxic relationship with her! No matter who you find to be toxic in your life, it’s crucial to get out before you lose all sense of yourself.

Accept you are in denial.

We all want to believe we are happy, but sometimes we aren’t. And often times, it’s not your fault. If you feel depressed or depleted after spending time with a certain person, go back through the warning signs. If they all line up, recognize that you need to get out.

Heal.

When you get out of a toxic relationship, you often feel emotionally damaged. Make a list of the things you used to love about yourself. Can you claim those same things now, or did that toxic relationship convince you those traits weren’t attractive? Surround yourself with positive people who inspire you to love your true self again.

Kelly McDaniel, author of ‘Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex and Relationship Addiction says the following:

The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

Stop all contact! Period!

Any kind of breakup (healthy, toxic, romantic, non-romantic) is hard. And we often feel the need to hang on to some kind of friendship with that person. Even if they were abusive, we want to reach out on occasion in a friendly text so they know we don’t hate them. Why? This is one of the worst things you can do if you are trying to overcome a toxic relationship’s hold over you. Many abusive and toxic people have a sweet side. This is often what causes us to think they can change, or that it wasn’t really that bad. But don’t be fooled into reengaging. Do whatever it takes to strive for zero contact [2].

Expect more drama.

Unfortunately, in today’s world of social media and instant gratification, breakups tend to come with a lot of shade from the ex. This can sometimes mean being made out to look like the bad guy, even though you may have been dealing with abuse. While this can be so heartbreaking, it’s important to remember that you know the truth.

Don’t give in and look like “the crazy ex,” but do surround yourself with people who love you and care about you. Remember that you did what you needed to do for yourself, and any argument you encourage based on lies will only cause the toxic person to persist. Block them on social media, block their number and don’t give in to the drama. You’ll never be able to truly overcome the experience if you allow yourself to look at the continued abuse every day.

Force yourself to overcome!

For some people, writing a letter to the person you want to let go is helpful. Obviously, you don’t want to send the letter! In fact, you can burn it or even bury it to signify the end of the relationship and gain closure. Pour out all the feelings and words you wish you could say and end the letter with acknowledgement of release. Try: I release you across all space and time. Thank you for helping me learn and grow.

Don’t ever tolerate it again.

Perhaps most importantly, don’t ever allow yourself to be mistreated again. When you’ve experienced a toxic and/or abusive relationship, you walk away knowing what to look for. If you find yourself dating someone who reminds you of that person, recognize the pattern you may be falling into and do what you need in order to get help and walk away.

If you are in the U.S. and need help identifying whether you or someone you love is in a toxic relationship, text loveis to 22522. You’ll receive a response from a peer advocate who can answer questions you may have.

To speak to someone, call 1-866-331-9474.

If you or someone you love has been driven to consider suicide after a toxic relationship, please know there are people who care. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-272-8255. For anyone outside the United States, click here to find help in your country.

Featured photo credit: William Stitt via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]^Love Is Respect Org: Dating Abuse Statistics[2]^Psychology Today: Three Steps for Getting Out of a Toxic Relationship

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