#and even then i feel that i wont be able to ever actually make money off my art

[sanguine-squid]

it sucks so much dick that ill have to work for the rest of my life and i wont have time to make art

[lavenders388]

Heyyy could you maybe write some nam-gyu(player 124) fluff like hes only nice to you and otherwise cold so he doesn’t seem week in front of the other players, there’s barely any nam-gyu fics😭😭

Thank youu💗💗

~Only For You~

★🎸🎧⋆｡ °⋆ Nam-gyu x reader headcannons

requested 💌

a/n i LOVED this idea so much i thought i would do headcannons instead so i can write more little scenarios and get more into it:3

<3 throughout his past promoting clubs he would try and act cool/nonchalant sometimes in a rude way with his customers and/or employees, and he learned acting that way left people wanting to learn more about what he was promoting/respect him more and so it ended up becoming like his work attitude in order to make his club events more successful. he explains all of this to you in the beginning of your relationship, reassuring you its just for the money and he doesn't actually stand by anything he says or does and wouldn't ever. when you join him at his promoting nights he would refuse to act that way to you even if it was in front of someone super important:3

<3 going off of the first one, i think nam-gyu would prefer that you don't come with him to any clubs. first mostly because he doesn't believe that that type of environment is super safe for you and he doesn't want to risk you doing any substances/getting addicted to anything; and because he doesn't want you to see how he acts in front of the people he's trying to get business from. he thinks that you're better than the type of people he hangs around those nights as well as he just doesn't think you to deserve to have to see that side of him!

<3 he is super soft and kind to you in private, ever since he met you he started to prefer that side of him and dislike the feeling of having a fake, boisterous personality in order to gain the respect of people he's trying to sell club tickets to. he's a lot more introverted and kind when the two of you are in private and he really starts to prefer staying in with you over going out all night.

<3 one of his favorite things is coming home to you after working and being able to completely abandon his day and everything that came with it and just be himself and relax with you. he absolutely melts into you and loves the energy you give off. lets you know how much it means to him everyday!

<3 he uses substances a lot to uphold his extroverted, cool guy persona because he eventually gets exhausted of all of the late nights pretending to be someone he isn't and finds that using is really helpful even though he knows its not a good thing. this is also something he begins to want to stop doing when he meets you:)

<3 he really wants to stop his club promoting life for a more simple life with you where he can just be himself and not do so much overextending, but worries that he wont be able to find a job that pays as much as promoting does for him. he wants to be able to spoil you and doesn't think it would be right for him not be able to do that financially. he doesn't want you to have to work at all unless you want to, let alone be anywhere near the breadwinner of the household.

<3 he ends up going to the games after hearing the prize amount because he sees it as like a forced detox in a way; like he'll be away from any substances and he wont have to deal with any promoting stuff, and then hed have the opportunity to make a ton of money for you.

<3 you also get the card and want to join the games in order to pay off both of your debts and have a decent start at a new life together. you agree to do it together and use the winnings to pay everything off and buy a nice house and even start like a little coffee shop together or something:)

<3 during the games his persona becomes a lot more amplified because instead of doing it for his promoting he's doing it for a ton of money as well as for the both of your survivals. he also starts going through withdrawal from the stress of the games as well as if he had been using before he went there. this adds to his motivation to fit in at all costs when he sees what thanos has in his cross necklace. he doesn't like that you have to witness any of this but he likes that it ensures your safety being part of thanos's group. he makes it clear to thanos that you're with him for the games and nothing can change that.

<3 he reassures you that his behavior with thanos is nothing more than his need to win the games for the two of you, as well as ensuring your safety within a group. he lowkey makes fun of him with you in secret to make you feel better!!

<3 he compartmentalizes the other players as just people in his way of providing you the life you deserve; that them losing is just the two of you getting closer to winning and safely going home. the pills help him a lot with this; he knows that humanity and kindness might ruin his chance of winning for you, and showing mercy for the other players would result in thanos loosing respect for him. he knows that sticking with him will be of great assistance in winning, and he'll do anything to preserve that unless its something to you.

<3 if thanos starts to say something gross or mean to you or about you, nam-gyu shuts that shit DOWNNN! but in a very calculated way to not make him question their allyship. he'll say something like "lets respect the ladies." trying to sound joke-y but still meaning it.

<3 during mingle that man does not let go of you for a single second. even if it means not going with thanos he lets his demeanor fall a bit if it ensures you stay with him and make it through the game.

<3 when the fighting breaks out he does whatever it takes to protect you. especially after getting them pillz from thanos he purposely loses all sense of feeling bad for his actions because it just insures your safety even further. before he does it he reassures you its for your safety and because he wants to give you the life you deserve, and he means it when he says he'll do anything to give you that. "please just trust me baby, this all for you. for us." he says to you as he leads you to safety before lights out. "if you need me call for me and ill be here. i love you."

<3 when you get scared during the games and in moments like that he allows his demeanor to soften even if people are watching him. he wouldn't want the last thing you remember him doing to be him not being himself and being sweet to you. se-mi notices but thinks its sweet, especially because shes doing the same thing as him; faking it to thanos to be in his group.

<3 inside and outside of the games all he wants to do is protect and provide for you and he would do whatever it takes<3

[pjackk]

Extremley Urgent Action Needed

Hi everybody i hate to to it but im in a realy bad spot and ive been pretty much bummed out really badly lately and lots of people on here are actually being really bad to me constantly and telling me lots of mean shit all the time and im pretty much in a super bad spot because im mentally fucked up badly right now and the theres some some holidays and shit comign up and i dont give a fuck about heaven or hell cuz my life is fucked anyways and going to shit so i dont know how it could really get worst but i pretty much want to treat myself and practice self care by making the right choices for me and getting shit that i really want as a gift to myself since nobody else will ever get me free shit since im a societal freak and a piece of shit apparently and something i really want is a Cast Iron Money Man

So the great part about the guinness Stout moneyman is that on top of making me enjoy my life for once in my fcking life if i had him it would teach me how to save my coins and put them in a safe place so they dotn keep falling down the drain because whenever im counting my pennies and other brown or shiny colored coins its always in the sink cuz thats the only place not filled to the brim with stupid shit i keep finding LOL i keep finding shit on the ground and in the trash and its often interesting as fuck shit like a stick that would be realy goood for turning into a weapon if needs to be if i was attacked from every angel a great way to fight them and a perfect advantage to have is to have the range advantage so if the thieves and other bandits were coming at me with knives and shit i would be able to bash them with my stick and maybe break there bodys while im at it and i could legaly say i killed them to defend my self and all my other shit so anyways theres tons of shit everywhere and since i just throw away my dishes when im done with them because they are way to dirty and beyond even the level to get it cleaned no more cuz shit is dried on there and wont come off if i make it wet i just gie up so that means theres never shit in my sink exept for the coins when im counting them but the big problem is i dont have a money man made out of cast iron to keep my coins safe so they fall down the drain and when i try to pop them up by dumping oil in the drain and using gargage disposal switch it just crunches them up and shoots fragments into my glasses and always breaks my glasses so i always have to get new glasses since they are always breakign whenever i lose my coins but the big problem is since i dont have my coins no more since they all get all torn up and shit its super hard to afford new glasses or food at all even though i dont technicaly have to eat its always fun to eat yummy shit so please consider to send me money to help muy shit as fuck mental get better and invest in my prosperity i promise u it will trickle down to u and u will benefit from my well being im actually working on a new CD right now with dope as fuck music but its realy really hard to be creative when i dont want to get out of bed because im always hung tf over from drinking a shit load of top notch gin a the pub all night and feeling super depresed basicaly my Guinenss beer Shaped money man would be a perfect way to solve my problems let me know if u want to help by clicking the beer above and giving me money to spend on my cast iron money man

[densewentz]

I have a lot of feelings about season 2 obviously, mostly that it was brutally fantastic, but it really serves to highlight the main difference between Crowley and Aziraphale's understanding of loss. long angsty analysis under cut

Because Crowley already knows what it is to lose Aziraphale. I mean really lose him. He fell to the floor in the burning heart of the bookshop thinking Aziraphale was dead and gone. We get to see in fantastic living color how broken it leaves him. He's forced to spend time wallowing in the hopelessness of it before Aziraphale is miraculously back. Then cut to heaven during their ruse, where Crowley is standing there in the flames with Gabriel grinning maliciously in his face, telling the love Crowley just got back to shut up and die. If that scrap of prophecy hadnt found them, if they hadn't been quick enough, clever enough, Crowley would have lost him again. For Good. For Ever. That entire scene, from the cropped cut of Crowley twisting Aziraphale's wrists in their bonds all the way through to the end, Crowley is in a visibly barely contained rage. He's quiet, and still. These are the beings that have been tormenting his love for centuries, who tried to take him away once already and want to take him away from Crowley again. And it boils in him in the same combination that makes terrified dogs Bite. And we see the lasting effect that fear has on him throughout season 2. It drives almost every interaction Crowley has with other characters, particularly in his vehemence that Jim!Gabriel not be anywhere near Aziraphale. Crowley is able to word for word quote that moment back to Jim!Gabriel mostly unprompted because I guarantee its just been repeating in his head since the archangel showed up in the bookshop. He needs Aziraphale safe in that desperate and agonized way you can only feel if you already know what its like to lose them. And the entire season he's combating the fact that the biggest threat to Crowley's love is sitting in his livingroom and Aziraphale keeps handwaving Crowley's trauma away.

Which brings us to Aziraphale. Aziraphale who has never had to experience losing Crowley. His demon is always there just on time, always at his shoulder and on-call. Aziraphale has no concept of the depth of Crowley's grief during the time Crowley thought he'd died in the bookshop, and no idea the damage Crowley's incognito trip to heaven had on him. And then parallel Aziraphale's part in the ruse. Yes, he's playing at being cheeky Crowley, but I'd bet all my money most of that was just Aziraphale relishing in doing what he loves to do: Dramatizing. Watch his scene in hell compared to Crowley's in heaven. Aziraphale is having a blast. To him its a stage production, a clever trick he gets to play. Michael pours 'Crowley' a holy water death bath and it just makes Aziraphale grin because he knows it wont work. He plays it up, wings the water at the demons, makes silly demands, asks the angel who would have killed Crowley to bring him a towel. It's a joke to Aziraphale, because he never even seems to consider (as Crowley obviously does) the reality that if they hadn't swapped places Crowley would be dead. That Michael came grinning down to hell to destroy him. Forever destroy him. And Aziraphale even giggles about it to Crowley on the bench. Aziraphale has no reference or context of what it would be like to actually lose Crowley, it'd be unheard of, so he never processes what could have happened in the way Crowley does. And we continue to see that ignorance crop up in season 2. His dismissal of Crowley's fears as being silly, the way he never once seems to worry for Crowley's safety even with the other angels and hell minions in the room. Michael and Beelzebub are right there. The two who would have seen Crowley turned into nothing. But there's just not the awareness of the threat to Crowley (or himself, but thats another problem) that Crowley inversely possesses. And it all boils down to the simple fact that Aziraphale has never ever lost Crowley. Until now. And you can see it beginning to process post-kiss. You can see it in Aziraphale's face as Crowley dons his glasses and turns his back on Aziraphale for real. This is going to be the beginning of Aziraphale learning what it is to lose his love, and its going to be absolutely heartbreaking yes, but also completely necessary to his growth.

There's that wretched little saying "you don't know what you've got until its gone". Crowley's learned that lesson the hard way already. I guess now its Aziraphale's turn.

[prettyrealm]

itzy yuna as a bestfriend

overall:

first of all, yuna wants her bestfriend to be super pretty and attractive, she does her very best to provide emotional support to others so she wants someone who can handle her trauma dumping and provide heavy emotional support in return, she tends to hold herself accountable in her friendships and takes them very seriously, she won’t neglect you, she’s not the type to leave you on read for long periods of time and she’ll make sure you two don’t spend too much time apart even if she’s extremely busy. she wants to be there through everything and hold onto you through ups and downs, she wants the friendship to feel meant to be, but at the same time, she’s very guarded and holds herself back as she’s been betrayed by a friend before and fears it happening again. she’s the type to continue listening to your troubles, even if they’re “annoying.” Like, if you keep going back to your shitty ex knowing you shouldn’t, but still keep needing to vent, she will listen to you genuinely. she’d pretty much be happy to help you through any emotional mess. she also has a problem with lying to keep her friends happy though, like she won’t tell you to straight up dump your trashy ex if she thinks it’s hopeless anyway.

strengths:

she will be the #1 most comforting person to talk to. “everything is gonna be okay” and many compliments. she’s very good at saying what you want to hear. she won’t say anything to hurt you. she’s the type to not give advice at all actually and will let you do what you want and support you through your good and bad decisions. she won’t push her opinions onto you. she’s a big spender. let’s say there’s a super expensive and fancy restaurant that she wants to go to, if she knows you can’t afford it, she’ll pay because she wants to share that experience with you. she may even have sort of a motherly vibe, she wants to take care of her friends for a long time. she wants to be in almost constant communication and won’t ever make you feel unheard. if she’s on tour or working a lot she’ll be sure to text you whenever she can. extremely willing to do things she doesn’t like as long as her friend does, “if you like it, I love it.” If you’re yuna’s bestfriend you will genuinely feel loved by her.

weaknesses:

she’s not much of a girl’s girl - at all, she’ll listen to your problems, but she’s secretly judging you hard and may even vent to other friends about you even if she isn’t telling you directly what she thinks, romance >> friendship - as much as she’s there for her friends, her love life will always come first, she definitely makes herself come across a lot nicer than she actually is to your face, she tends to build up resentment and won’t ever communicate - she gossips instead, (considering her love life comes first, if she’s dating, she would 100% be complaining about her besties to her partner), she’s a very big liar, she really wont ever tell you what she’s really thinking. she’s shallow - she wants her friends to be young and pretty like her, she’s okay with earning more money than you, but you have to be on the same level of her socially and appearance wise.

what type of friendship does yuna want?

she wants a bestfriend that has the same beliefs as her (if she’s religious, she could prefer friends to be of the same religion), she likes being the one people feel they need to go to, she wants to be able to ask anything of you and for you to just do it. like, if she says “hey, l need you to make a fake account and stalk my ex on instagram” or if she needs you to lie to someone for her she needs to know she will be able to ask you to do that, she needs a lot of reassurance that you’ll stay by her side and not leave or betray her, compliments and saying nice things to each other is super important to her. I think to her, friendship is more about feeling emotionally happy in the moment, so her actual opinion of you and your actions doesn’t matter, therefore honesty and being up front isn’t that important. it’s about making each other feel good when you’re together, and feeling supported when you communicate and need each other. to yuna, that takes precedence over everything else.

[hadtomakethisbs]

womanhood

to be born a woman, seems like one of those punishments, where until its too late, you won’t know it’s a damning.

we’re raised with the belief that life will be sparkly tiaras, pink dresses and being a princess,

living in a “castle” (your husband’s home), being free all day, just cooking and singing and dancing and playing with your children, as if the only worthy challenge is going to work

when one of those tasks is unpaid ungrateful labour with long unending hours, and the other seemingly exempts you from all other tasks, youre served hand to mouth, as if you’re the embodiment of God

doesn’t matter if its YOUR house and YOUR children and maybe yes you can bring the roti from the kitchen yourself, or take your own towel before you shower

and it doesn’t matter even if she does all this to utter perfection, your children are fed, taught and asleep when you get home, (maybe you play with them after work and oh that deserves a fucking lifetime award, because of course you were so exhausted and still take out the time to spend quality time with your children, how sweet), but oh if she gains a little weight making your child, growing a literal human being, maybe she becomes less interested in your little(definitely) bedroom activities, maybe she’s fucking exhausted from being the maid, then she’s a bad wife.  But even if she cant have children or god forbid she doesn’t want to, cos how dare she? then she’s selfish, she’s selfish to not bringing unthinkable pain to her body to not change her life irrevocably, but you’re not selfish when you force children out of her and yourself into her, when you’re never around to feed them milk or dress them or buy the clothes or even buy the milk.

maybe she isn’t even all this, maybe through ALL of it she remains the beauty she once was, the sweetheart, but now that’s boring, that’s dull, the old ball and chain, now that modern girl from the office starts to look lovely, and interesting and outspoken, everything your wife isn’t

everything you strangled out of your wife, everything you never let her be, but in her its beautiful and wanted, if she catches you she’s wrong she’s the prude she’s the hag, she never even tried to be interesting, and if the new one fathoms to say no to you, (an unthinkable conclusion, that she perhaps didn’t want to fuck a married man with children, from her workplace), then she’s the bitch, who does she think she is, just because she wears pants and shirts and not a pallu over her head, she thinks she’s better than me? Just because she’s better than my wife doesn’t mean she’s better than me. It’s a lose- lose for both women, if they fight its like watching two death row convicts fighting who will go on the electric first, and if they don’t its just like watching two death row convicts.

maybe one day she’ll see a dress and it’ll be a little pricey but it’ll represent every bit of freedom she never felt, and shell think that maybe he’ll feel she deserves this for everything she does and he’ll say where is your money. What do you mean I should use MY money to buy this, for you who does nothing, and maybe in a parallel universe shell say it back, where is MY money, my money for the times I clean your house(how can it ever be her house), I cook your food, I buy the ingredients, I bring your medicines(because he believes he’s more educated, when she’s rejected that medical school offer in turn for the varnmala( that turned out to be a leash) or likely that he actually is more educated and she’s only a 5th grade pass at age 20, ofc she should bring his medication and be able to keep his health in check), did you pay me for all that? But alas, she wont say it and he wont understand it and that dress will remain on the plastic woman, who might still have more woes than the average man, because lets not forgot those statues that were groped, that they make sure that even the stone structures, have no life in them, we must send the message, that life can always be snuffed out whether you’re made of skin or marble.

You must say, that it’s the 21st century, she can get a job, she can live her dreams, yes of course, when she puts infinitely more effort than her male counterparts, when she maybe fights with her family, leaves her house and gets ostracised by society, she’ll get that degree, get that job, but then shell see her first pay check and it will be a handful of pretty pennies as if it’s a practical joke, she’ll look around and see the boy who always came to her for help in school and hell be holding a bag of cash, while smiling and laughing and telling her with full conviction that if you want to earn more, just be better. Be better than what? Than you who I taught basic algebra to, or shall I smile more at the boss so he notices me? Shall I dress better and talk sweeter even if the other person is spewing garbage, shall I ignore when your team members stare at me as if I’m in a dingy lane? Shall I work longer hours and then pass those very lanes in the middle of the night, alone? Where more of you can undress me, but now not only with your eyes but your hands?

But no I can’t complain, I should learn the martial arts at 3, not to win championships, because who’ll watch them anyways, but to defend myself while simply existing in my hometown, on the train or on the street or on the bus, but no if they’re five and I’m only one, I should dress better, like a girl from a good household, so men from those same households, can defame me? I should carry pepper spray, I should simply not be out alone at those times, but wait, you said I should, I never did. And when something unthinkable happens and my face is streaked with blood, you’ll conveniently forget it was your idea, your men and your city, ill be behind the wooden bars of the court, forced to prove what my scars already show, and even if I prove it, ill never live safely again, as if I ever was

But no even if I surpass all this, and by being the best of the best of the best, I’m finally alongside the mediocre man, at the top of the pyramid, forgetting that they did always like us buried under it. So, then I’m selfish again, for being the same “husband” the man is, maybe even better, but to them she’s a bad mother, because if woman behave like the “good” fathers, they’re the worst mothers.

If I do everything and I live with the broken society that made me, as I am and what I am, the pain still persists, were simply born with it, the week before the period, the week after the period, the cramps, the blood loss, the mood swings, the depression, the cravings, the bloating, the migraines, and if you’re abnormal, (these are normal, and leaves are not provided, but you are somehow also impure to enter you own kitchen, the only place they usually banish you to), if you’re abnormal, you faint, maybe you die, and when in 30 years it all slows down, you’re hot always, hormonal always, you’ve lost your hair, you’ve lost what makes you you. Its an endless cycle embedded into our very being, the luckiest of us, with money, freedom, a mind, education, beauty, still have the sheer pain, it almost seems petty to complain even if your insides are being torn out, and twisting and your mind is a jungle on fire, that’s still the best option. Keep in mind the “best” option still includes being stared at in the street, in public transport and even when you’re in your car, catcalling, following, leering, groping, grabbing, hitting, but yes this is at best. Because for you it’s an incident, a possibility that may not happen more than once, but it will happen once, as goes the way of our lives. But yes this is still at best, because in your car you only look through your window, and feel violated, but by the law you aren’t, by the people you aren’t, you share your live location when you are returning home after 9, “just in case”, when you go on first dates, if you get to go on those anyways, because sometimes your first date is your wedding night and he’s much older, and maybe you couldn’t even pick him out of a crowd (don’t go in a crowd) . but yes, this is still at best, because you live in your guarded apartment building, with your family, so the fear is only in your mind, not on your body. But is this really a lucky situation to be in? a golden cage is still a cage, and the diamond shackles, you wear as bracelets will still cut as much as the knife against her neck because she back answered her husband.

You know when in a gameshow there’s a circle full of doors, around you and some are pushing you into the water and some have a reward behind them, being a woman is when, those doors are all on a cliffs edge, and each and every one will simply fling you off of the mountain. And even if you pick none, you’re still trapped between them, where other horrors await you.

[justplaystupid]

Ok

I've chewed on it. Here's what came out:

the ghoul bois is my bois. I was dead cold when I heard they'd be deleting the backlog off of yt. that got mythbusted and I sighed in relief.

The prof.'ll still be there (thank fuck). Shane making baby noises on the walkie and ryan noping tf out will still be there for me. Thank. Fuck.

Am i sad that I'll not get to watch the stuff on yt anymore as it releases? Yes. Painfully so.

Will I be able to subscribe? Fuck if I know. Hopefully, but not for the forseeable future, unless I get real fucking lucky real fucking fast.

But (now that I was able to chew and digest through the big feels) I get it. I've been a "professional" translator for about 5 yrs. Freelancing. Dealing with big companies, paying us what they wanted when they wanted. If they really liked your work you'd get an email about an hour before the rest of the mailing list. Along the other hundred (min) others in that "shortlist". I was fighting against others for the peanuts I was offered, taking money from others, competing for the privilege to be underpayed whenever they decided to pay. And it rots your soul.

Point being I get it. And I'm not mad anymore. Not even disappointed. I'm a bit sad because i wont get the new stuff, and if I ever get to actually support my fave creators, it's a bit of a list, and I do have some priorities, but if and/or when I can, I will.

I wish Ryan, Shane, Steven, Matt, Lizzie, Annie.... The whole gang nothing but the best. They'll be in my thoughts, They'll be in my heart. I'll be unhealthily rewatching Puppet History. And maybe someday I'll manage to pay for the sub. And the longer it takes me, the vaster the backlog to catch up to will be.

I love them.

Un jour je serais de retour près de toi.

[exoulisis]

Murderer James W. Rodgers was put in front of a firing squad in Utah and asked if he had a last request. He replied, “Bring me a bullet-proof vest.”

somethings happened to me

ive been feeling disgusted by writing. ive started hating it. this worries me

i dont think ive ever made it this far on a singular project. its like my brain is repelling me away because its a new record for me.

i have to push. and thats hard because it’s writing

its hard because im against my own brain but my brain is responsible for producing the ideas for my writing.

it’s like begging your worst enemy for some money.

if you’re here then you are a witness of the first ever time i tried when it got hard. when i really didnt want to do it. when i started hating it.

i dont even care if im losing passion for writing or if im burnt out or “writers block”. i dont care about any of it. i MUST go on.

ive gotten so far. i cant quit this now. i cant slow down now.

its so easy too. i just write about random things that come to my mind. i just write about my feelings, i just vent to nobody.

if i can’t even do that then what can i do?

this medium account is teaching me what discipline feels like. its teaching me what LIFE feels like.

are you really here?

i haven’t seen you in a while, reading this.

im losing God again. i dont even know how or why at this point. He just fades from me. i need to recommit myself to prayer and scripture i guess.

it saddens me so much.

because i know ill never be good enough for Him

i know ill never be able to stick with Him forever because ill always lose Him

it breaks me

it breaks my heart

it makes me hate myself because im not allowing myself to live

im not allowing myself to have the only thing in the entire universe thats real and not out to get me

im sorry

but how could God make it so hard for me?

He knows how weak i am

wait i cant do this now. i cant ask questions about God here because i have to ask Him directly. i cant pray in here because He said not to. i need to pray in private, in secret, alone.

but i am really just so so so so sorry to Him

because i know Hes there but im drowning down here

im drowning on this earth

in all the things of this earth

the work the stress the sadness the emotions

wont He pull me out of the bridge ive jumped off?

please

but i have to swim to His lifeboat first

and i dont know if i can because im just so weak

sad violin noises

i need Him

i need Him

i need Him

but im just

so

weak.

i think i love Him. i really think i do

do i secretly like drowning?

because i just want someone to love me. i want people to have a reason to care about me. to nurture me, to give me things.

i just want a hug

i want to be destroyed so that people finally start listening to me. instead of just waiting for their turn to get what they want

i want to breath my last breath in this water. just so my feelings are finally validated. by the ones standing at my grave and the ones looking at the news report saying “I wish I could’ve helped him”, the ones with tears saying “Why did I fail to understand him?”

i just want to be given a chance to be understood

nobody understands you until you show them why they should’ve understood you

imagine sad piano playing as someone gains awareness of all your problems and emotions and trauma. without you needing to convince them or show them evidence and text messages and security camera footage and call people

what would they do?

i dont know if they would hug me

or hit me

hit me and say “Everyone has these types of issues you disgusting egomaniac”

so then it wouldnt be sad piano. it would be the hero finally triumphing the villain

am i the villain here?

but all i want to be is broken

shattered into a million pieces and everyone rushes over to piece me back together

but im actually alone and i dont even have the strength to pray to God because i barely even believe in Him anymore

how can i believe in Him if i dont even believe myself

how can i trust Him if i cant trust the vessel

this is my temporary euphoria for the day

“just do your best because thats all anyone can do”

so whats the point

whats the point

id do my best and get successful and then what

im just here but its dimmed

i want it erased i want it gone

i dont want makeup i want accutane

stop telling me to do what worked for you because you didnt even realise what you were doing

and for that im so, so jealous

because you’re free because you cant see the prison bars, you can just mingle in the cell believing you’re free to leave whenever

but its too late for me to live in that paradise because i know too much honey

imprisoned in my own thoughts

i love you though

im lost and you’re trying to pull me back on the right path but your right path ends in a cliff but the cliff is invisible to the naked eye

the flowers bloom in beauty and they die

can i take anything with me to death?

i don’t want to obtain the next step in your instructions

i dont want to buy things for one dollar and sell them for two

its all bland and flavourless

its all fleeting

only one thing is forever and that thing is the possible existence of a God

i don’t care if im living in obscurity so stop saying that

i dont care if you’re even Napoleon

i don’t even wanna be a writer or poet because once i choose it its over before it started. we can’t choose what we want to do we can only do what we want to do. choosing ruins the electricity and choosing ruins the reasons we choose

but i dont want to bold my own text i want someone to do it for me

i dont want to work i want to write

i dont want to write i want to be free

i dont want to be free i just want to know what i want

i dont want you anymore because i dont want to lose you

im fine staying at the shore

but is the shore sadder than the swim back?

you can iron your clothes but you can never iron ceaselessness

that crinkle stays and will always be apparent

you can hide it with accessories but you will still brush against it time to time

and you’ll be despaired once again

or is it just me who has no accessories to use?

and i thank God every day that He wont give me any because its the only thing keeping me afloat

is being stuck under the water

i like this

the “Save and Publish” button is the only thing ive found that validates my despair

or can you help me?

God I thank you

for this despair because its what makes me feel alive

can you feel that?

even without a musician caressing instruments you can still feel joy, you dont need them

but i do

because when i have that in my ear i dont have any space for me to hate myself because i don’t have space to think

i dont have space to binge or make more and more mistakes and hate myself even more

its just silent. its just stoic

i don’t know how to love myself

i don’t know how i could love someone who drowns in their own misery, seeking attention and validation while rejecting real change.

i mooch off others, indulge in instant gratification, and push away those who try to help, all while resenting myself and my situation.

i obsess over my own misery because i have nothing greater to focus on.

im stuck in nihilistic paralysis.

wait a second

wait a second…

i feel like i have deep wisdom, but ive been tricking myself all this time

there’s no point on working hard because it’ll fade and only bring us temporary satisfaction

but stagnation is worse than struggle

okay but we’re gonna die anyway so why even build things if i can stay at the baseline

but the fact that life is temporary makes it valuable, not pointless. we should make the most of it right?

but but but-

NO

we dont need a reason to do things

we just need to do the things that give meaning

it’s discovered through action

but thats not enough to break my cell bars.

but what are you afraid of?

you dont have to have it all figured out

why do you seek validation?

because i just want someone to understand me

so..

why can’t that someone be yourself?

[richardsphere]

Daddycop Reaction

BIAS DISCLAIMER: Ok so im going into this episode in a slight state of agitation. Cause i just finished Werepapa's which was explicitly about Adriens right to self-determination. Had his girlfriend explicitly murder him in a way that further devalues the value of his life in the narrative (cause he isnt even in the scene he gets murdered in. He doesnt even get to know his girlfriend is completely able to just kill him) and failed to have him either break free of his literal prison, or decide for himself that Nathalie was his mom and Paris was his home (as those decisions were made by Marinette instead of him) Basically: Im coming into this episode knowing that its gonna focus on making Sabrina the best girl ever (possibly even show her shrugging off Lila's akuma) so it can redeem her from the Chloe-days and justify making her a member of the Herosquad. And i come in knowing that its most lilkely gonna shove Chat under the bus to accomplish her cool-ness. Im coming into this episode with some degree of bias against this episode cause every episode in the season so far has been mistreating adrien and has romanticising the hell out of the mistreatment. On the one hand having an episode that wont textually be about mari's relationship with Adrien will hopefully be a relief. As at least any mistreatment is unlikely to be romanticised or whitewashed with a "but i did it out of love". ---

Ok so i love the little "you'd tell me if something was wrong" scene from Roger.

oh no... Marinette is an Astrology-girl now. Also the idea of counting your kisses is weird right?

you know what, as weird as this set-up is. I am thankfull for the "special authorisation and I got a professional firemarshal to do it" line. Dont try this shit at home (or at least without a permit) sort of deal.

Ok i like sabrina's decision to help here. Its a nice little moment and it emphasises the "permanent heroes can willingly do small volunteer stuff without Ladybug being a controllfreak" thing. I'm actually starting to somewhat buy the idea that the heroes are now being trusted with their powers, rather then merely entrusted with their safekeeping. (which is a meaningfull distinction, though it might not sound like it)

So i rewatched that scene a second time just to be sure, Sabrina just jumped that building didnt she? then why does LB always bother with the yoyo-pull and cat with the baton-grow-push when they can just jump onto the roofs. Like im definitly being a pedant, but that feels like a minor inconcistency. They wanted her to be able to do the same things LB and CN did, and realised a throwing ball isnt a usefull tool in this instance and just made it a jump. Le Chat Noir Caberet-poster as an easter egg. Cute. (looks old enough im betting its public domain, but even if it weren't that'd definitly be licensing money well spent) --- I feel sorry for Sabrina that Mari left. But on the other hand, if i were in this situation, without Sabrina explicitly saying she was gonna come back and that I should wait for her... i'd probably thank her for taking 1 problem of my plate and fix the other problem myself. (does open some questions about how i'd figure out which garage my Hypothetimobile is at now though cause the repairman needs to be paid and i assume Sabrina isnt doing that out of her own pocket) --- Nice to see the girls hang out together. Some notable redesigns: Zoe has SS-Harley Quinn-hair. I dont like it (it feels like it's invoking a character way more vibrant and wacky then Zoe is, and also from a way darker incarnation of said character then ML would ever tangle with) Rose's eyeblush... its fine when she's shot from the waist-up close-on. I was honestly really worried when i saw her in the intro cause it looks offputting there. Milene, i like the wacky and i do not miss the faux-dreads. They you feel a lot less "60's interpretation of a hippie anachronism" and a lot more modern now. Kagami is carefully bland as always. (that isnt an insult, she is deliberately designed to look like a focus-group tested thing cause it ties to her story) not much to say about the rest. --- Zoe reaches out. Its nice to see someone besides Marinette get to be one reaching out. (both in that it undercuts marinette's perfect-sainthood and in that having it be the one character that didnt suffer under Chlobrina reduces the "remember to fix your bullies"-ness) Adrien cancels the date because he's a voice of reason, meanwhile Marinette un-cancels the date cause's she's the voice of obsession.

I like their hesitance. Oh for a second i thought it was gonna be "favour for a favour", like some kind of "you forgive Sabrina, you get to keep your boyfriend"-thing they were gonna do. (which i would have loathed). But Zoe thinks Mari somehow picked up on the question she wanted to ask, and everyone else thinks that Zoe told Mari her on the gardenpath and is trying to convince them cause Zoe convinced her. Its actually a rare case of a credible misunderstanding. and unlike most misunderstandings in this show, it manages to be cute rather then cringe-inducing. Adrien shoots down Mari again, cause he's still the voice of reason. Mari weirded out by the Sabrina hug. The use of the siren on the car is definitly unlawfull. but we're clearly playing it for cuteness/parental caring, and it works.

i shudder to believe it. this episode is actually well constructed and seems to be genuinely respectfull to all parties involved...

---

Why are there leaves inside mari's room? cute party-prep scene, Alya spots the thread that something is way off about the decorations. "this is a DISASTER" right in Sabrina's face...we're back to the cringe.. --- Onto the Sab-kuma scene. I dont know how to feel. On the one hand, Sabrina was the character that originally got done so dirty that she not only didnt have an akumatised design (invisibility powers) but didnt even have an on-screen akumitisation (Vanisher starts in-medias-res). And Miraculer was more focussed on Chloe then Sabrina. So i think that cheating her out of a shot at a cool-ass villain design feels like we're once more making her unimportant. On the other, having her resist the akuma is a good way to signal her redemption. but then, the fact that a side-character like Sabrina can now snap out of akuma's, while Adrien's been akumatised twice with no ability to resist feels like Adrien is catching a bit of a stray bullet here. Also catching a stray bullet? Lila now feel like a less credible threat. It took Gabriel seasons to have an akuma resisted, this is lila's fourth or fifth episode and she's already getting no-selled by a sidecharacter. And while his akuma's didnt threaten to go stray until Markov and Gigantitan, Lila's threatens to go stray in ilustrhater. The show is outright failing at making her the "worse hawkmoth". In the end. I think that her inclusion into the friendgroup could have worked without her resisting the akuma instantly. Maybe akumatise her, but have her realise mid-akuma that she doesnt want to hurt them and de-akumatise herself? or just big post-akuma party. I think they could've made both of those work without de-valuing the concept of akumatisation as a threat. --- PIDGEONMAN! HE LIVES! we have missed you pidgeonman.

oh no... did they seriously just. "I love being a distraction", given and said plain-voice. They're really trying to respond to backlash against adrien's constant under-utilisation as nothing but a disposable meatshield by having him verbally state (non-sarcastically) that he loves it. Like it'd be one thing if he just said "on it", or some generall aquiescence to her plan, but this feels like a forced inclusion to placate the audience. "see, we wrote him to be fine with his constant misuse and lack of inclusion into the plans. He said so himself in a single throwaway line". --- See its scenes like this that made me hate the Volunteer line. (which as an aside. I need to state, i dont dislike what they were trying. putting an explicit anti-authority "cops IRL only exist to protect the rich" message into your childrens superhero show is always gonna be clunky, and I apreciate the attempt. They needed to respond to Bob somehow.) I get this is meant to be Marinette supporting Sabrina against her insecurities, but combined with the (i think its 3 counting NY) times that she's Vetoed Cat's retirement, and the way she sidestepped Alya's refusals in the past... it creates a subtext that makes her seem like she doesnt know what the word "NO" means. --- Wait... Bark goes from Choker/Dogleash to a button on her ribbon? That feels less like "camouflage form" then it feels like its shifting into a different accesory alltogether. And we're off to the garage (didnt expect it to make a return in the episode. Also i feel like the show used to put more effort into making the heroes struggle to find out which object they're after. Like Mari sees this and just insta-jumps to the conclusion its the car with no real proof.)

im gonna admit i dont understand refering to people by their current suits. Its one thing to refer to the suits by name, but refering to the person by the suit-name when its not their default will always feel weird.

so... why did we go to the garage if we were just portal+cataclysming this. We could've cataclysmed it anywhere. And when did Sabrina realise that Mari needed voyage specifically. There was no alusion to the horse. --- "your new look is awesome" no it isnt. Remember how i said Milene feels less like a 60's anachronism now? This look is more anachronistic then her previous look and feels like a 70's-era TV nerd character. Her old design (partly due to the tips she must've gotten from Chloe) looked more confidant then this one. I think its the hair, her old straightened hair seemed artificial, but artificial in that "i take care of myself" way. This is more natural, but in a "im so certain im gonna look bad, why even bother" sort of way.

Especially that all the other girls at the lunch-table (sans kagami) have redesigns featuring some pretty blatantly dyed bits of hair? her old design with the flawless-straight would've fit into her new clique more then her new design does.

--- Zoe bullying scene. I dont like the Cockroach thing... it channels alternate universe marinette.

[thesweetestdevotion]

do u think trump will ever be assasinated or taken out the way other presidents were? like whats his outcomes going to be like for this coming year and was his attempted assasination a distraction / hoax or preplanned to take him out? thanks v much again!

Trump General Reading for 2025:

(ive been wondering this too, so im glad you asked lol)

Assasination:

Was it planned?: The Lovers Reversed, Seven of Swords, The Empress Reversed, The King of Cups Reversed, Seven of Coins

Immediately I’m getting that it wasn’t planned, or at least not in the way suggested here. I see an energy of displeasure, unhappiness, of a promise broken. the perpetrator came out as the king of cups reversed, and this tells me that there was a deep discontented feeling within him. Especially when the lovers and empress also came out reversed. there was something that made the perpetrator feel betrayed, maybe a decision made by trump? Or something that trump promised that did not pan out in the way this person wanted. I think this led him to sneak around and plan out this whole thing, but it was definitely on an individual level. I dont see this person being connected to anyone else. actually its almost like he’s severed form others, I see him as a figure standing in a dark room, alone. I think he was someone who was extremely angry and felt betrayed, it may have had to do with his ideals differing from trumps at some point, and also trump disappointing him. Though i see that this attempt inadvertently led to benefits for trump, what with all the fanfare and attention he got from it.

Will it happen again?: Ten of Swords Reversed, Ten of Cups, Knight of Pentacles Reversed, The magician, King of Pentacles Reversed, Four of Cups reversed

I don’t think something like this will happen again, at least if it does it wont be in the same way that happened in the past. I see trump has been strengthened by not just his survival, but his win of the presidency and the support he gained due to it. Trump right now is very well protected by those around him. If you ask me i think he may be safer than he was in his first presidency. though i see this protection is conditional. I think trump has promised many people many different things and if he fails to act or does something that displeases the people around him he will be more vulnerable. I see right now he’s like a valuable pawn, that is not acting on his own interest but rather the ones of the people who have supported and protected him. I see him being pulled in all sorts of directions, which i don’t think he minds. trump seems like the type of person to not necessarily be personally invested in a specific outcome, rather he follows where the money and power is. I think he’s happier this way, doing the things other’s want from him and in turn benefiting from their power and influence. He feels very empowered right now that’s for sure.

His outcomes for the next year (2025): The Hierophant Reversed, Two of Coins, Queen of Cups, Five of Wands, Eight of Swords, Judgement reversed, Seven of Wands reversed, Ace of Wands

I see him reaching a stalemate at some point?? It’s like he’s gonna have trouble balancing two sides at once, and this will lead him to be a bit stuck. Someone, probably a woman but mostly a feminine energy will step into the picture, and this will lead him to be conflicted in a choice he needs to make. I think this will lead him to be heavily criticized by some people and it could even lead to a battle between the interested parties of this situation. I think he wants to please too many people at once, especially this queen of cups, and I see him taking a route that is not ‘traditional or just doing something that is out of the bounds of normality for a president to do. That being said this is something trump does quite often so its not too strange coming from him. I just see him being able to win whatever battle this is, he somehow always comes out on top its actually insane. But i also see him not doing the things we expect him to do, or backing out of certain plans? In nit sure what those are because i feel heavy all of a sudden and my neck started to ache. I think whatever this future looks like its heavily protected at this time. Though i think he’s gonna surprise a lot of people, on both sides of the political spectrum, this year.

I really want to o see what this energy is. Perhaps ill do a follow up reading after some months pass by! I hope this isn’t too messy, or looks like I’m a trump supporter or something 😭 i like to remain neutral when I’m doing my readings, but i hope i dont come off as sympathetic bc I’m literally not lmao 💀 lmk if you have any questions!

[yourbigendergremlet]

Here is a bunch of rambles ive vollected over a few months instead of posting them in seperate posts

Feeling dysphoric about my face not being masculine, putting my hair down because it makes me feel masculine, i hate hair in my face, all my headbands to hold my hair back have bows on it, rip off the bows, wear is like a sweatband

Manly ✨

Even if i was ever gonna come out to my family as bigender, they wouldn't just say it is terrible, they would just tell me that im making no sense because i am still female, a part of me is still that, but they just wouldn't get that a part of me is also male, they would just say it was a tomboy. If they continue to misgender me, they aren't exactly wrong because i am still female so calling me she/her is still not wrong so i cant get that angry about it

Feeling dysphoria? I just made a new album in my gallery and copied any images that made me feel like a guy into there and named it "i am a big strong beautiful manly man"

Felt like a guy today but went to church and was gonna sit in the mens side but then felt extremely uncomfortable so i went to the women's side but i also felt uncomfortable with myself there and aaaagh

Me making braclets with my pride flags but my family dont know that thy are pride flags because they dont know the bigender and genderfluid flags 😎

Complaining to my little brother about our mum not letting me buy men's clothes and freely shopping in the men's section with him because he has not yet been tainted by our parents and older sister's views and feeling amazing even though he still knows nothing about lgbt stuffs

Me thinking of a plan to ask my little brother what his views on the lgtvs are but descreetly so that if he doesnt like it he wont tell mother 0.0

Conversation switches to "lgbt people bad", me goes completely silent 0.0 me: "haha yeah thats weird..." when talked directly to desperately trying to switch topic while not outing myself

My sister wants to try new nail polish but already has some on so asks my little brother to do it on him, parents being like "nooo he's a boyyyy" and my sister being like "yeah guys wear nail polish now tho but he still isnt gonna be able to be a girl" and me being there like "yeah, he can put on nail polish" and internally screaming that guys can be girls if they are aaaa

Hahaha internalised transphobia :D for a while there

Me: am i actually genderfluid or am i actually bigender? Am i faking it? Am i pretending to relate to genderfluid and ftm trans people? Am i only just female and male or am i non binary also a bit??? Am i duel weilding my genders or am i fluctuating between them right now i have no clue??????? Is that why im feeling like thisssss???

Me going out somewhere, analysing how guys walk and act differently to girls and taking mental notes

Walking two steps like how people say guys walk and feeling absolutely on top of the world before going back to normal

Hoping im being subtle in trying to lower my voice so my family dont question it (and horribly failing at being subtle why is lowering your voice a bit so hard??)

Tumblr recomending me a suspicious amount of transgender posts before i had started properly questioning my gender or even thought about it

If i was a AMAB, being bigender would be so much easier becuase it's easier to just wear a skirt or dress and look distinctly feminine and then wear other stuff and look distinctly masculine but as a AFAB when you wear male clothes you still look female but who just bought something from the male section instead of looking like a guy

My mum speaking arabic and using the masculine versions of words for me as a joke but me internally pretending that she is using my correct pronouns 🥲

Me considering getting the school trousers so i can wear that sometimes instead of my skirt but also its my last year and no point spending money on uncomfortable trousers ill never wear again if its only for one year

So in church, women wear something called an isharba which is a headscarf meant to cover your hair to be modest.

Ive noticed that on days where im feeling like a girl, i can wear the isharba theoughout the mass but on days where im feeling like a guy i feel very uncomfortable wearing it and dont usually wear it in the mass. On some days i can wear it on and off throughout as well. It's intresting how my gender also effects something like wearing a head scarf, but i guess it can also be kinda like skirts in that sense? It was also a very subconcious feeling and even when i wasnt aware of what gender i was that day i would sometimes feel uncomfortable

Some days i feel more comfortable with the label bigender, and sometime im more comfortable with the label genderfluid and it's weird

Today im feeling more masculine, but also not fully so im more between he/they. But also there is a small twinge of feminine but only a small amount.

So i dont really feel like he/him, but i dont like they/them for myself, but then also im not he/she because there isnt a lot of she in me but im not he/him because i dont feel fully like a guy.

Im not none of them because i am all of them but to varying degrees to the extent where im not comfortable with any of the pronouns no matter how they are balanced. Idk? Are people just not meant to refer to me when i feel like this????

A very specific feeling i want to experience is wearing a dress while looking like a boy, i really want to have the feeling of being a cis boy wearing a dress so much

I didn't realise how important having facial and body hair was to me until my mum and sister kept saying that i should shave it. I really really love my body and facial hair and i really want even a small beard but my mum and sister made me shave my tiny moustache hairs and unibrow for christmas and tried to get me to shave my leg and arm hair and i feel super dysphoric without it being there anymore

That moment of delusion where i pretend to myself that the soft fabricy present my sister got for me was a binder and fantasise about it but its just a jumper in reality

My sister was talking about starfield and how stupid it was that you could put pronouns "why not just have it male and female lol" and i tried to laugh along but really just could not make it sound energetic and i felt kinda sick

Ive recently had the epithany that as a bigenderfluid person i am still allowed to be a femboy or a tomboy and that being feminine doesnt necessarily make me a girl that day and i am still a guy and-

[clockworkreapers]

How will the main 6 be in a universe where the hemospectrum got swapped (rust become the highest while fuchsia the lowest)?

Hmm Iv done a blood swap before where I flip their blood colors but haven’t ever actually thought about a full social spectrum flip. Also I have a lot of questions on how that would work population wise is- like now are rusts are more rare and live longer and are more durable and fuchsias are abundant and live a short amount of time and are weak?

Just questions with the social swap but I’m going to say everything swaps then including all the biological stuff besides like mental powers and shit that relate to blood.

Sauron: he’d be royal and part of a very small circle right? So he’d have a lot of power and probably be a lot more emotional and softer since he’s allowed to be and people care about his well-being. Less afraid of the world around him but still enough for his anxieties to creep in when it’s “how do people view me, am I doing a good job.” He really wouldn’t have had as much bad luck growing up or in his adult life cuz the consequences for his actions would be so much lighter, less scars less mistrust of other trolls, less damage to his psyche. He’d still have his mental issues though, having depression and anxiety because your brain chemicals are fucky wont change if your social status does.

Falmea: see if she had none of the experiences and saw none of the shit she did growing up as one of the lowest social classes she would be so different. She’s still be brash and loud and very hot headed because that’s just her personality but the violence and the anger she harbors wouldent be there cuz she doesn’t need to fight to survive she doesn’t need to be the tough badass bitch that will fuck you up if you cross her. She’s probably be also way more oblivious to how the world works cuz well her life is going fine, she’s be the energetic entertaining outgoing loud friend at parties who can do whatever she wants.

Cyrusk: he would very likely stay military for the rest of his life get up in the ranks maybe even become one of the top ranks and get most of his time off just directing and organizing other trolls. He’d be pretty damn happy, higher social class im guessing he’d get more help for his disabilities so he’d get a much better prosthetic for his leg and his eye and left ear so he wouldn’t be half blind and def. He’d be a lot more comfy but maybe a bit more prone to indulgence and parties cuz he’s still an extrovert who really likes company.

Cybele: well she’s olive so she won’t much change being just bumped up like the equivalent of jade I guess? Hey maybe that means she can finally be a nurse! She’d absolutely love to be able to help people more, no matter how dirty the job is or how long helping people is always very rewarding to her the amount of work doesn’t matter. Both other than that I don’t think she would change at all.

Majell: she would be higher low class right? She’s probably be a bit less proper and a lot more aware of social issues cuz as much as Majell tries to understand and is part of that ecosystem she usually has a lot more power even then and can be a bit oblivious. If it’s flipped however yeah she is going to get that first hand experience, she’d likely try to push against it more strongly be more outspoken, more actively trying to make a difference in the system.

Helstm: He would be a lot different his core personality would still be there he’s still be a bit standoffish hed be a lot more “willing” to listen to people and do what he’s told cuz he’s have less grounds to just do what he wants. He’d be a lot more grown up personality wise because he would need to mature faster. I feel like because of that he’d have a much higher work ethic and probably be even more of a natural macgyver because he won’t have access to the expensive stuff. Without all his money and anything to his name or social status.

[modstarfell]

Any favorite headcanon about your favorite characters? 👀

you have no idea what you've just unleashed. read more becuz. its a lot. i love a lot. mostly gals. but like. i love a lot. theyre who youre more likely to see me write for anyways naturally kdjfngkjn

only doing bb, drdt, dra here to make it easier and not that long... if sent another ask i'll try and do more muses from the others i write for

akeru having a small tattoo on her ankle because it's one of the few 'safest places' for her to have one.

kana; kana and kanjiro being childhood friends despite the odds of how they grew up and talking via walkie-talkies

kanjiro; has a cd player thats burned with old convos so when kana gets super busy (she helped with this btw!!) hes able to listen to her voice and not feel so isolated while training on his own since he didnt really have anyone friend wise outside of kana (collided with previous hc)

arei; i've been obsessed with the idea of her letting her hair down to purposefully tease people that have been staring at her a little too long (in a joking way if theyre already friends) but also she just ends up making like a billion tiny braids with her hair when shes bored... doesnt tie it though, so they all fall out real quick

veronika; as much as she *loves* horror she loves toying with peoples hearts via writing even more. watching how they react to her writing and feeding off it to make it hurt much more in an angsty fic or something. also ocasionally despite her love for lolita fashion; will dress down if she wants to avoid people once in awhile.... she looks nearly entirely different!

akane; literally where do i start??? i have so much for her... but i think my favorite would have to be ironically her not being able to read properly. i mean it's never really said if she went to school school or not; and it's possible utsuros luck reunited them easily anyways... but also having this girl boss of a character and then one flaw; cannot read kjndfgkjn

also the relationship i created with her and shobai even if unintentionally. it started off as a way to include him in the story properly (and not just 'mikados errand boy' type of thing since. obviously my story is different.) but it really grew on me and i hold it close to my heart!

kizuna; it would have to be her giving her classmates free nail painting sessions for the funsies of it, jokingly saying she expects payment but she never actually does! shes accepted her reputation but it doesnt mean she wont have fun with it from time to time

minako; birthday celebrating. making sure to always celebrate kizunas birthday even if theyre struggling with money, if things are tight that month. always makes it work. always sits and has the 'best birthdays ever' even if it's something smaller. with the type of household they come from; you'd rarely expect any sort of birthday to happen outside of a big money purchase as a gift and thats it but no. minako will go to actually attempting to celebrate with a birthday and a girls day.

utsuro; my entire rendition is basically one big headcanon/hj but... picking one for him..... hmmmmmm... it would have to be that he's a terrible cook actually. i've talked about it before a few times i know but its another silly to me for no reason. if you want something more newer i haven talked about....... despite being 'bored with everything and everyone' he's followed along to being info dumped to by akane and the kidsTM... had tries to do their hobbies all at least once. some went better then others......... still physically weak noodle

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 6.2.2025

just feeling like giving up completely today. feeling completely unworthy of everything and utterly alone. its horrible to be this depressed in june. i feel like im never going to recover from this. this doesnt feel like any kind of life worth living. my seasonal depression is just going to come back and i will have never recovered in the first place and it really will kill me this time.

theres no reason for me to live. the only reasons i can identify are other people and i just dont see the point in that. but i feel so complacent in my suffering too, like i'll never be abke to illustrate to anyone how bad it really is or actually plan to end my life or anything.

going to another iop feels pointless too. they all just tell you the sme things. they all just want to keep you alive so you can pay them and honestly id just rather die. death is all thats waiting for me at the end of life anyway so i might as well be ready for it. i dont fear death at all, i wish that it would come to me, im tired of trying to find a way to make this life worth living.

i feel absolutely nothing. im empty inside. i dont know how to feel worthy of anything. im never going to become anything. the only thing i was meant to do is die. thats really how it feels. theres nothing else.

im supposed to print out my resume and apply for jobs today, but theres no point in doing that. i dont want to it feels like a waste of time and gas driving to different places. i guess i dont have anything better to do with my time but it is a waste of gas money.

maybe i'll do it. maybe i'll call different dispencaries and ask if they're hiring. i feel like im never going to get a job, im just going to be a jobless loser or work in fast food my whole life. and maybe thats fine. why does that have to be such a shameful thing. i just feel like the world doesnt want me to be a part of it, theres no place for me here.

theres no reason for me to keep going. im in so much debt im never going to be free, i might as well die. i dont know what anyone wants from me. im so depressed and embarrassed and tired of explaining and justifying myself to people. theres no reason to keep going.

i know i have friends who care about me but even that leaves me feeling empty and im just tired of fighting. im tired of trying to make something more out of my life. theres nothing for me and there never has been.

i dont want to see my therapist again. she doesnt help me feel better or seen or heard or anything thats supposed to be the point of therapy. i dont understand and im just completely failing at recovering i want to give up entirely.

i hate therapy. i hate my meds. i hate waking up every day. i hate trying to fill my time with things. there's no reason to continue. im alone and i'll always be alone and there's nothing better waiting for me, and im so angry that anyone is expecting anything of me. im just tired and i want to be done.

i dont think i'll ever get a job, i think somehow im going to die soon. maybe in a car accident. that would be the best way to go. everyone would be sad but it would be something they could accept. something will happen while im driving some day and it wont be anyones fault and everyone will be able to move on and it will all be over.

i dont want to exist. its a prison and a punishment i didnt ask for. im tired im tired im tired. i hope i die soon. i hope something changes soon. but what do i deserve. nothing. nothing. nothing. a car accident death and a bare minimum funeral. i dont even care what happens afterwards. i dont have any last wishes i just want it all to be over. i have nothing to express. nothing that i care about. theres nothing.

literally im just sitting here in my bed thinking about how im better off dead and theres nothing i can do. my sense of hope for myself that i had when i was younger has worn off. i can talk to my friends and not be alone but that doesnt change much besides that someone else knows how i feel. i dont want to make someone else feel responcible for me like that.

i guess its all fine i just feel completely empty and apathetic and like i have nothing left to offer to anyone and no reason to do anything. i feel completely paralyzed and like i dont know why im here. just disconnected from everything.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

to hear the lyrics of eventually right at the moment when i was doubting moving out of this city, worrying about how much im going to miss this life, my family and friends, everything ive built for myself here. to confirm for me that its true, i will be happier, so much happier, and it was written in the stars and is no longer in my control.

i sat there as the numbers passed by, 333, 444, 333, 888. i watched as two cockatoos graced the sky and perched right up above me, as if to say hello and greet me. to let me know, god is telling you yes. to see so much beauty all at once, and still feel the wrongness in my being here. because i am too big for this place. no matter how beautiful it is, there is more to be found, seen and created elsewhere.

all in a short moment of me stepping out of the home ive known all my life, to see so much truth. the freedom of knowing my shadow side. the magic and relief of knowing i dont have to fear the sides of me ive been avoiding and running from for so long. side stepping. rejecting. i am magic. loving women is magic. pure magic, and excitement, and feelings ive never felt before, that are scary, because theyre so overwhelming and rushing and electric. i would much prefer a woman to a man. theyre pretty, and ethereal, and wise, and cheeky and funny and flirty and everything i ever wanted and never got from the men in my life. why would i deny myself that bliss? deny Them? because the more i accept my whole self, the more i see the truth thats been right in front of my for a long time now. i am magnetic. I AM MAGNETIC. to everyone. i dont even have to try, people are drawn to me. men and women alike. and there are many, if i simply made the move, theyd run off with me on any adventure i asked them to. anyway. i wont be too prideful. but its true, i have been a little blind, and its fair enough - ive been completely terrified. its a scary reality, but times have changed. and i already know the feeling of being a minority, whats another oppressed demographic to add to the list? queer, brown, and a woman. stronger than you could imagine.

i think im having a mild reaction to the serum i put on. i cbf taking it off.

randomly i was craving almonds tonight. ive had a big day, 9-5 and a 6-9 to follow up. i made sure to eat before i left but my stomach wants more. also, my stomach is cramping. either the dairy or gluten i ate today. most likely the dairy.

i just want life to be easy when i move away but i think thats asking for too much. i know im going to have to grind, and i can, and i will and i love that. i just want to know ill always have enough. to be stable. to be able to buy the things i need when i need them, work wear, a little self care gift, a lazy fast food treat, or festival/concert tickets. thats all. the things that matter to me, personally, the most. and of course for emergencies, god forbid something happens back home. the thing is, my soul has already left this place. i am ready to leave, and money isnt going to stop me. i will always have enough. i will make this happen. i will make this happen, because i deserve it. i deserve freedom. and my parents deserve respite from me, my resentment and anger that might not go away until i am separated from them. when i am able to let go of it all, and accept them as they are, whether or not they change their ways, or begin to see me as a real person and grown adult. or i am able to see that they do, and its all been in my head the whole time. idk. ugh.

ive been dreaming of adventure since i was a little girl. and for the first time, im faced with an idea that actually truly meets those expectations. and i am in a place that is mentally and emotionally ready for that rollercoaster. and all i want is to take that risk and do it, because is that not what life is about? its the only option now. i went through the depression, i wanted to end it all. but i dont get that option anymore. because i got out. and i refuse to ever not value my life again. god was so angry with me for that. and he wants me to be more grateful now, and i will be. i will live my life for the ones who wont get to. and i will live my life for me, the version of me that wanted to give up so many times.

here i sit, my stomach cramping, cold feet, and a head full of hope and dreams. im going to grind until i cant anymore. this is going to happen. THIS IS HAPPENING. and now i have to set it all in motion, before i back out.

goodbye, old me. hello, magic.

[argent-sz]

It's like it never happened... im grateful to live in a world where i can feel sunshine and eat fruits

All the bruises, all the burns, cuts, injuries on the daily...

I miss making knives and selling them and stuff, but i still cant believe i really went through those things. People have killed themselves from less...

It was one mantra i kept repeating myself: "If i dont do it, nobody will" so i better do it by all means necessary.

It turned kind of hopeful one day, to "who will?"

Nobody. Nobody came to help me. It was all me. And I'm proud of surviving that, but i shouldn't've had to go through that. I didnt deserved it.

Ive gained a bit of weight ever since, i actually have some fat on me now compared to whatever boney ass i was running as back then. Ugh. So skinny. So weak.

Can you believe i lost 68 pounds by sheer stress and struggle? I even suffered a form of heart attack, it was awful. It hurts differently. I wasnt long for this world for a moment .

I could've pulled the trigger, spend some time in jail, leave 2 kids motherless, pull some strings and get in contact with some military contacts who were law-savvy, get out easy 6 months. But i didnt,

I reapplied for college a few months ago, and my classes start next month. I'm kind of nervous, its the dreaded classes i've been dragging since my second quadmester back when i was enrolled originally.

Its been 4 years without any academic schedule, im afraid my brain got sanded down by the desert (aha haa), and that i wont be able to bounce back...

This time around i only got 3 classes to worry about instead of the 7 i used to carry because i wanted to finish college quickly. Boy... that ended so badly.

Now that i dont play on pc as often nowadays, and that tf2 is essentially done, i dont think i'll have any big distractions this time around ...

Im still scared though, online classes fucking sucked ass in the covid era and that made me want to escape to begin with, it was perfect... i could work and earn some money for myself until every fucking thing went downhill.

I dont have nightmares about the desert anymore, but every once in a while i freeze up and remember some dire shit that leaves me disoriented. I dont have a professional diagnosis but i think thats ptsd good thing my body can act on its own when practical problems arise in a whim.

Ive been meeting with some old friends, i got introduced into a new friend group and overall been having a good time with them, i am thankful for them.

I should write my testament, or do it or something. My mind is afraid to die, but i gotta live for those who cant. Its easy to say i'd die for you but its harder to life for.

I like chocolate... i like hamburgers, i like doing little drawings on notebooks, im alive and so are you, I love you and I'lltalk to you tomorrow. Stay safe