#and even then i feel that i wont be able to ever actually make money off my art

[thedevotionaltour]

anyone else ever remember how they are gonna end up in some dead end soul sucking job instead of the actual career they wanna pursue because they are far too unskilled for it. just me. awesome.

[sanguine-squid]

it sucks so much dick that ill have to work for the rest of my life and i wont have time to make art

[pjackk]

Extremley Urgent Action Needed

Hi everybody i hate to to it but im in a realy bad spot and ive been pretty much bummed out really badly lately and lots of people on here are actually being really bad to me constantly and telling me lots of mean shit all the time and im pretty much in a super bad spot because im mentally fucked up badly right now and the theres some some holidays and shit comign up and i dont give a fuck about heaven or hell cuz my life is fucked anyways and going to shit so i dont know how it could really get worst but i pretty much want to treat myself and practice self care by making the right choices for me and getting shit that i really want as a gift to myself since nobody else will ever get me free shit since im a societal freak and a piece of shit apparently and something i really want is a Cast Iron Money Man

So the great part about the guinness Stout moneyman is that on top of making me enjoy my life for once in my fcking life if i had him it would teach me how to save my coins and put them in a safe place so they dotn keep falling down the drain because whenever im counting my pennies and other brown or shiny colored coins its always in the sink cuz thats the only place not filled to the brim with stupid shit i keep finding LOL i keep finding shit on the ground and in the trash and its often interesting as fuck shit like a stick that would be realy goood for turning into a weapon if needs to be if i was attacked from every angel a great way to fight them and a perfect advantage to have is to have the range advantage so if the thieves and other bandits were coming at me with knives and shit i would be able to bash them with my stick and maybe break there bodys while im at it and i could legaly say i killed them to defend my self and all my other shit so anyways theres tons of shit everywhere and since i just throw away my dishes when im done with them because they are way to dirty and beyond even the level to get it cleaned no more cuz shit is dried on there and wont come off if i make it wet i just gie up so that means theres never shit in my sink exept for the coins when im counting them but the big problem is i dont have a money man made out of cast iron to keep my coins safe so they fall down the drain and when i try to pop them up by dumping oil in the drain and using gargage disposal switch it just crunches them up and shoots fragments into my glasses and always breaks my glasses so i always have to get new glasses since they are always breakign whenever i lose my coins but the big problem is since i dont have my coins no more since they all get all torn up and shit its super hard to afford new glasses or food at all even though i dont technicaly have to eat its always fun to eat yummy shit so please consider to send me money to help muy shit as fuck mental get better and invest in my prosperity i promise u it will trickle down to u and u will benefit from my well being im actually working on a new CD right now with dope as fuck music but its realy really hard to be creative when i dont want to get out of bed because im always hung tf over from drinking a shit load of top notch gin a the pub all night and feeling super depresed basicaly my Guinenss beer Shaped money man would be a perfect way to solve my problems let me know if u want to help by clicking the beer above and giving me money to spend on my cast iron money man

[headspace-hotel]

so, in regards to your recent posts on kane-tucky and usa food industry, do you / how do you keep active hope and not slip in into apathy and "looking out for my own" get out of dodge mentality? im having a hard time articulating this, but what makes you not curl up into a shaking mess in anger resentment and a deep desire for change that likely, if ever, wont happen in our lifetime.... any advice is appreciated

The short answer is "getting out and doing stuff in the real world, educating, volunteering, whatever is within your ability"

I will add that "looking out for your own" is not...bad. Like I don't know precisely what you mean by this phrase, but it's actually very important to come to terms with the fact that your impact is strongest where your feet touch the ground, and you have a responsibility and relationship to the people immediately around you, the place immediately around you.

This has not been a popular opinion of mine in the past, but...you can't and shouldn't care about literally everything on the planet. There is of course huge global disparity with access to resources and aid networks, and the largest communities we belong to are: all of Earth and the whole human species.

However: your level of agency is so low with issues that are happening on the other side of the world from you, compared with issues that are happening in your home town. And we're seeing people just get completely burned out from compassion fatigue without ever doing shit because the global responsibility is pushed on us and the local responsibility is not.

I hated my hometown for a decade. In high school I wanted so badly to leave. It's one of those desolate-feeling towns that's developed enough for a shopping center and big chain retailers but not enough to have a sense of community or a single bookstore. I've never been able to place myself precisely along the urban-rural spectrum because I feel isolated from even isolation: there's nowhere to go that doesn't feel razed by human development, where you can't hear the noise of traffic on roads, but it's all cattle pastures, sprawling storage facilities, auto parts stores, big, empty churches. One wrong turn will put you in a dark valley where there are rotting, derelict trailers on cinder blocks hidden back in the woods, and this place has that same feeling of "nowhere to go."

And I felt paralyzed by everything bad happening around the world and the fact that I was just one person, and I had gotten the horrible impression that the only thing I could do about anything was vote and donate money to links I saw online. The worst lie the internet taught me was that in saving the world, nothing matters except Power, Money, and an unclear third category that involves throwing bricks at cops.

But I touched grass. And the weeds taught me something. Do you see the parking lots, the harsh pavement and gravel and brick? I saw. I was surrounded by this landscape of brutal, totalitarian surfaces, impermeable concrete locking the soil away. But in the cracks in the surfaces, dandelions, purslane, and spurge were thriving.

I observed that the spurge stretched out like a shaggy rug and padded the concrete surfaces. The old leaves of the dandelions, as they withered, caught bits of dirt as it flowed into drainage ditches after rains. Soil was forming, and the sprawling structure of the early weeds seemed specially adapted for the task. In older cracks, more plants moved in; I found a wild ruellia blooming in a paved road, an evening primrose. And in some places, seedling trees.

Have you seen what happens when a sidewalk is left unmaintained for years? It disappears. The roots slowly buckle and break it into pieces, and it vanishes beneath lush leaves and moss. A tree growing in a crack in concrete will slowly pry the slab apart.

This is how my IRL rewilding project got started—just pulling plants from the pavement cracks, raising them in pots. I was surprised and awed at the resilience of the plants. I found little trees in concrete with at least two years' growth on them, that had survived being mowed down multiple times.

The weeds changed my viewpoint on the world forever. Up until that point, certain facts about power and politics and money had seemed like law, but I'd suddenly seen that there was a deeper magic.

The dandelions' survival made it possible for others to survive, which in turn made even more life flourish. They could not demolish and remove the concrete and pavement, but they could overcome it by refusing to be destroyed, because the power to take care of each other is in their nature.

People have made fun of me for telling others to go plant a tree. I think culturally we have this ingrained dismissal of things like that due to the twee, cutesy associations of "tree hugging" environmentalists, except in this instance it's because planting a tree is pointless in light of something something systemic issues, not because climate change isn't real, or...whatever reason people have for finding environmentalists cringe. (That is kinda sus now that I think about it.)

And I'm not saying planting a tree will fix climate change. I'm saying that something in my brain had broken and planting a tree unbroke it.

Go outside. Touch grass. Do the work in the immediate community you belong to, in the place you are in, where you have the best and most impact. We have the power to take care of each other, and that power grows stronger the more we are cared for.

The internet is a good place to share information, but that's fucking it. The real stuff, the stuff you can touch with your hands, the stuff that will heal despair, is out there in the real, touchable world. You need to see and feel what you are doing. Don't just give help—accept it. The power to take care of each other is in our nature, and by nature we can give more when we thrive as a result of others' care.

I hope this helps.

[densewentz]

I have a lot of feelings about season 2 obviously, mostly that it was brutally fantastic, but it really serves to highlight the main difference between Crowley and Aziraphale's understanding of loss. long angsty analysis under cut

Because Crowley already knows what it is to lose Aziraphale. I mean really lose him. He fell to the floor in the burning heart of the bookshop thinking Aziraphale was dead and gone. We get to see in fantastic living color how broken it leaves him. He's forced to spend time wallowing in the hopelessness of it before Aziraphale is miraculously back. Then cut to heaven during their ruse, where Crowley is standing there in the flames with Gabriel grinning maliciously in his face, telling the love Crowley just got back to shut up and die. If that scrap of prophecy hadnt found them, if they hadn't been quick enough, clever enough, Crowley would have lost him again. For Good. For Ever. That entire scene, from the cropped cut of Crowley twisting Aziraphale's wrists in their bonds all the way through to the end, Crowley is in a visibly barely contained rage. He's quiet, and still. These are the beings that have been tormenting his love for centuries, who tried to take him away once already and want to take him away from Crowley again. And it boils in him in the same combination that makes terrified dogs Bite. And we see the lasting effect that fear has on him throughout season 2. It drives almost every interaction Crowley has with other characters, particularly in his vehemence that Jim!Gabriel not be anywhere near Aziraphale. Crowley is able to word for word quote that moment back to Jim!Gabriel mostly unprompted because I guarantee its just been repeating in his head since the archangel showed up in the bookshop. He needs Aziraphale safe in that desperate and agonized way you can only feel if you already know what its like to lose them. And the entire season he's combating the fact that the biggest threat to Crowley's love is sitting in his livingroom and Aziraphale keeps handwaving Crowley's trauma away.

Which brings us to Aziraphale. Aziraphale who has never had to experience losing Crowley. His demon is always there just on time, always at his shoulder and on-call. Aziraphale has no concept of the depth of Crowley's grief during the time Crowley thought he'd died in the bookshop, and no idea the damage Crowley's incognito trip to heaven had on him. And then parallel Aziraphale's part in the ruse. Yes, he's playing at being cheeky Crowley, but I'd bet all my money most of that was just Aziraphale relishing in doing what he loves to do: Dramatizing. Watch his scene in hell compared to Crowley's in heaven. Aziraphale is having a blast. To him its a stage production, a clever trick he gets to play. Michael pours 'Crowley' a holy water death bath and it just makes Aziraphale grin because he knows it wont work. He plays it up, wings the water at the demons, makes silly demands, asks the angel who would have killed Crowley to bring him a towel. It's a joke to Aziraphale, because he never even seems to consider (as Crowley obviously does) the reality that if they hadn't swapped places Crowley would be dead. That Michael came grinning down to hell to destroy him. Forever destroy him. And Aziraphale even giggles about it to Crowley on the bench. Aziraphale has no reference or context of what it would be like to actually lose Crowley, it'd be unheard of, so he never processes what could have happened in the way Crowley does. And we continue to see that ignorance crop up in season 2. His dismissal of Crowley's fears as being silly, the way he never once seems to worry for Crowley's safety even with the other angels and hell minions in the room. Michael and Beelzebub are right there. The two who would have seen Crowley turned into nothing. But there's just not the awareness of the threat to Crowley (or himself, but thats another problem) that Crowley inversely possesses. And it all boils down to the simple fact that Aziraphale has never ever lost Crowley. Until now. And you can see it beginning to process post-kiss. You can see it in Aziraphale's face as Crowley dons his glasses and turns his back on Aziraphale for real. This is going to be the beginning of Aziraphale learning what it is to lose his love, and its going to be absolutely heartbreaking yes, but also completely necessary to his growth.

There's that wretched little saying "you don't know what you've got until its gone". Crowley's learned that lesson the hard way already. I guess now its Aziraphale's turn.

[prettyrealm]

itzy yuna as a bestfriend

overall:

first of all, yuna wants her bestfriend to be super pretty and attractive, she does her very best to provide emotional support to others so she wants someone who can handle her trauma dumping and provide heavy emotional support in return, she tends to hold herself accountable in her friendships and takes them very seriously, she won’t neglect you, she’s not the type to leave you on read for long periods of time and she’ll make sure you two don’t spend too much time apart even if she’s extremely busy. she wants to be there through everything and hold onto you through ups and downs, she wants the friendship to feel meant to be, but at the same time, she’s very guarded and holds herself back as she’s been betrayed by a friend before and fears it happening again. she’s the type to continue listening to your troubles, even if they’re “annoying.” Like, if you keep going back to your shitty ex knowing you shouldn’t, but still keep needing to vent, she will listen to you genuinely. she’d pretty much be happy to help you through any emotional mess. she also has a problem with lying to keep her friends happy though, like she won’t tell you to straight up dump your trashy ex if she thinks it’s hopeless anyway.

strengths:

she will be the #1 most comforting person to talk to. “everything is gonna be okay” and many compliments. she’s very good at saying what you want to hear. she won’t say anything to hurt you. she’s the type to not give advice at all actually and will let you do what you want and support you through your good and bad decisions. she won’t push her opinions onto you. she’s a big spender. let’s say there’s a super expensive and fancy restaurant that she wants to go to, if she knows you can’t afford it, she’ll pay because she wants to share that experience with you. she may even have sort of a motherly vibe, she wants to take care of her friends for a long time. she wants to be in almost constant communication and won’t ever make you feel unheard. if she’s on tour or working a lot she’ll be sure to text you whenever she can. extremely willing to do things she doesn’t like as long as her friend does, “if you like it, I love it.” If you’re yuna’s bestfriend you will genuinely feel loved by her.

weaknesses:

she’s not much of a girl’s girl - at all, she’ll listen to your problems, but she’s secretly judging you hard and may even vent to other friends about you even if she isn’t telling you directly what she thinks, romance >> friendship - as much as she’s there for her friends, her love life will always come first, she definitely makes herself come across a lot nicer than she actually is to your face, she tends to build up resentment and won’t ever communicate - she gossips instead, (considering her love life comes first, if she’s dating, she would 100% be complaining about her besties to her partner), she’s a very big liar, she really wont ever tell you what she’s really thinking. she’s shallow - she wants her friends to be young and pretty like her, she’s okay with earning more money than you, but you have to be on the same level of her socially and appearance wise.

what type of friendship does yuna want?

she wants a bestfriend that has the same beliefs as her (if she’s religious, she could prefer friends to be of the same religion), she likes being the one people feel they need to go to, she wants to be able to ask anything of you and for you to just do it. like, if she says “hey, l need you to make a fake account and stalk my ex on instagram” or if she needs you to lie to someone for her she needs to know she will be able to ask you to do that, she needs a lot of reassurance that you’ll stay by her side and not leave or betray her, compliments and saying nice things to each other is super important to her. I think to her, friendship is more about feeling emotionally happy in the moment, so her actual opinion of you and your actions doesn’t matter, therefore honesty and being up front isn’t that important. it���s about making each other feel good when you’re together, and feeling supported when you communicate and need each other. to yuna, that takes precedence over everything else.

[kwnnys]

— main 4 fasting for the first time!

hcs : g/n reader a/n : for my muslim brothers nd sisters 🙏🙏 reader is muslim and asks the boys to try fasting w them for ramadan :D

— stan marsh

quite intrigued when you first bring it up, also pretty hesitant to try it

"wait so like- no food or water? for a whole day? are you sure I wont die..."

but with a little bit convincing, stan will eventually agree!

he starts off strong and confident 💪 bragging to the group and telling them all about fasting

but that confidence slowly dies as the hours pass... and poor boy gets so tired

he knows you said that while fasting that you should be as productive as possible, but hes just so tired and drowsy he cant help it 😭

he tries to play basketball with his friends, or even doing his homework. but he just can't focus on anything

he ends up sleeping the rest of the day till iftar

he apologizes and feels so bad 😓, but you tell him its fine since its his first time

I dont' think he'd do it again the next day or anytime soon, but maybe give it a few years and he might be able to fast all 30 days :D

— kyle broflovski

like stan also very intrigued and curious

he'll ask you alot of questions and take a few notes, before ultimately agreeing

hes a little nervous at first, but you manage to ease him with some words of affirmation!

tries to just distract himself for the whole day. studying, chores, video games, etc.

he doesn't make a big deal about it, but is definitely suffering on the inside

tbh the hardest part for him isn't the actual fasting, but not being able to swear or be mad (especially considering kyle has a short temper) 💀

cartman definitley takes advantage of this and calls him every name in the book. also purposely eats infront of him.

"hey stupid jew. look what I've got, a chocolate cake. you want some? oh wait, YOU CANT!" "...I swear to god cartman."

almost broke his fast cause of him. 😭

but anyways, he manages to successfully finish his fast!

he would do it again, maybe in a few days if you asked.

— eric cartman

when you first tell him about fasting and ramadan, he'll literally be SO flabberghasted.

"wait wait wait, so you're telling me you can't EAT or even drink WATER for 30 days? you trying to get me killed or something?"

it'll take alot of convincing to get him to fast with you

alooot of convincing.

but when he eventually agrees, he will be SO dramatic about it and overexaggerates everything

"oh my god, I think Im dying. tell kyel.. I hope he gets cancer.."

refuses to go to school or even get out his room

liane gets very concerned about him, and'll constantly ask you if he'll be okay and won't die

you assure her that its completely fine, especially considering he ate almost half the fridge during suhoor.

he talks to his stuffed animals to try and cope.

tried to secretly eat a piece of candy while you weren't looking 💀you'll have to keep a close eye on him if you want him to actually finish his fast.

he'll definitely hold a grudge against you the whole day and refuse to talk to you.

but don't worry, you make it up to him by taking him to kfc for iftar 😋

bro literally ordered half the menu and gobbled everything up in a matter of minutes.

safe to say he won't be fasting again anytime soon. or ever again,

— kenny mccormick

the only one in the group who manages to fast with little to no problem

kenny doesn't usually eat much food anyway, so hes all down

the hardest part for him is not being able to have 'dirty' thoughts or look at porno magazines 💀

the guys probably don't even notice that kennys fasting since they know kenny usually eat till you or he brings it up

cartman also takes advantage of this and tries to get him to break his fast with money. (which fails cause you're there to shut him off)

doesn't really have a change in his routine or life, he just does what he normally does

you're surprised by how easy hes taking it tbh

when its time for iftar, you decide to invite him over your house to eat :D

hes shocked at all the food you had prepared by you and your parents, and extremely grateful too

that day he had the biggest meal for the first time in probably a few years 😭

definitely took home some leftovers after for his family.

overall he'd definitely wouldn't mind doing it again! especially if it means being able to go to your house to eat again.

[mayonaka-mizu]

a bit of self reflection…

i feel so confident that for the first time in my life i’m gonna be able to lose the w3!ght. i’ve tried on and off my ENTIRE LIFE and it’s never stuck.

but now i have the tools i need to do this right.

- i’ve had years of therapy

- i’ve finally been diagnosed and medicated for ADHD, which not only helps suppress my appetite but has greatly increased my impulse control! this means logically thinking through what f00ds im gonna eat is a whole lot easier and im not just b!nge!ng because i can’t control myself. the diagnosis has also helped me get a better understanding of how my brain works and what works for me. i have never been more in tune with myself than i am now.

- i have grown and changed so much over the last few years. i have finally proven to myself that i am capable of positive change, having that knowledge makes me feel confident that i wont give up or fall back into old habits like i always did in the past. i know i can change!

- i am finally properly medicated! i have antidepressants which also act as anti-anxiety, and i have ADHD meds. im more focused than i’ve ever been, and im more emotionally secure and regulated that i’ve ever been. i can still have bad days but like 97% of the time i am absolutely chilling and having a great time being alive. i no longer have any reasons for emotional eating! and when hard times do come up, i am able to work through it on my own and not turn to something to comfort me (besides, like, my bf- but he’s not f00d so it’s fine)

- i have dismantled my previous views about food from growing up and i found the root of why i 0ver3at. this has allowed me to find ways of avoiding that and still getting the same satisfaction as i would from 3at!ng (i.e. texture, why a high volume is so satisfying to me, etc.)

-i buy my own groceries now! i go f00d shopping on my own time and, while i do still live at home, im an adult so no one monitors what im 3at!ng, when, or what f00d im even buying bc it’s my own money. 5 days out of the week im at work for 9-10 hours a day so most of my day is spent not even being around f00d. if i don’t bring anything to work then i don’t 3at anything at work, it’s easy!

i have successfully worked through all of the root causes that caused me to get to where i am now, and for the first time i am attempting 4n4 with all these tools. i know i am EXTREMELY lucky to have had all these opportunities at my disposal, i know therapy and medication isn’t always an option for everyone, so this is by no means a “this is what you need to do to succeed” post because i still haven’t actually succeeded. but all these reasons are motivators for me. since i’ve worked through all root causes there is absolutely no excuse for me to not do this successfully. if i can’t do this, i have nothing else to blame it on other than my self discipline and work ethic. all of my excuses are invalid now, they have all been addressed. so if i can’t do this than that means i deadass just didn’t work hard enough. and that would fucking suck, right?

[justplaystupid]

Ok

I've chewed on it. Here's what came out:

the ghoul bois is my bois. I was dead cold when I heard they'd be deleting the backlog off of yt. that got mythbusted and I sighed in relief.

The prof.'ll still be there (thank fuck). Shane making baby noises on the walkie and ryan noping tf out will still be there for me. Thank. Fuck.

Am i sad that I'll not get to watch the stuff on yt anymore as it releases? Yes. Painfully so.

Will I be able to subscribe? Fuck if I know. Hopefully, but not for the forseeable future, unless I get real fucking lucky real fucking fast.

But (now that I was able to chew and digest through the big feels) I get it. I've been a "professional" translator for about 5 yrs. Freelancing. Dealing with big companies, paying us what they wanted when they wanted. If they really liked your work you'd get an email about an hour before the rest of the mailing list. Along the other hundred (min) others in that "shortlist". I was fighting against others for the peanuts I was offered, taking money from others, competing for the privilege to be underpayed whenever they decided to pay. And it rots your soul.

Point being I get it. And I'm not mad anymore. Not even disappointed. I'm a bit sad because i wont get the new stuff, and if I ever get to actually support my fave creators, it's a bit of a list, and I do have some priorities, but if and/or when I can, I will.

I wish Ryan, Shane, Steven, Matt, Lizzie, Annie.... The whole gang nothing but the best. They'll be in my thoughts, They'll be in my heart. I'll be unhealthily rewatching Puppet History. And maybe someday I'll manage to pay for the sub. And the longer it takes me, the vaster the backlog to catch up to will be.

I love them.

Un jour je serais de retour près de toi.

[fcknstar]

hi hi, can you do more dating Harry Osborn headcanons for tasm 2 Harry?

,, love me "

harryosborn x reader

a.n : sorry for being very inactive, i got some requests and m working on it.

warnings :

**lowercase intended**

meeting you has to be one of the greatest gifts hed ever received

younger him would pray for the most beautiful girl to be in love with him, to find him someone like him

" oh god, if youre there please hear me out. mom told me about soulmates and its like this pair being meant to be together and i want to find mine. i want her to be pretty and be like me so that we have alot of similarities. “ harry prayed hard and hoped to find someone that was meant to be his. after a few years, harry prayed again. “ so i learnt that we cant choose who our soulmates the way we want them and should just accept them with open hearts, so id want to find my soulmate before anything bad happens to me or her…or him? i dont know. god, please open both of our hearts when we cross paths. “ 

harry believed in the read string myth which originated in japan. harrys mother would constantly tell him about finding soulmates and it intrigued harry. despite seeing and hearing his parents fight and quarrel day and night, harry was determined to find love which can reverse a curse which he didnt want to run in the family. 

when harry first met you, he found you annoying, someone who was tad bit cheery for his liking. over time hed grow fond of you. which ended up in you dating him.

id like to think that you have a part time job as a barista at a cafe down the block. harry would often often visit you and have a drink, while watching you work. 

hed love to drop his things and just look at you. he is often afraid that the day when he has to leave, he wouldnt be able to fully look at you, so hed spend most of his time looking at you. if not, spending time with you. 

harry enjoys having you hold him, or vice versa. he needs to have some contact with you.

he is very understanding, and doesnt like to create fights because he didnt want you to suffer the way his mother suffered. 

despite harry knowing that youd like to be your own independent person in terms of money, hed most likely slip an extra hundred or so in your wallet, in hopes that its enough.

harry wont force you to do what he wants you to, he knows youre a very independent person. if you want to work, that salary is only to be used for your needs and wants. this doesnt mean that he wont shower you with money, which is very often.

harry knows you like korean and spicy food. hed start to learn how to have a higher spice tolerance, but wouldnt mind to spend extra to order takeout from different restaurants. 

saying that hed treat you like a queen is an understatement. harry would give you all the love that you deserve, would worship every part and inch of your body.

if youd say that youll “ never know how love feels like “ hed make it his own mission to shower with immense amount of love. this can be vice versa.

hed be open to helping you order or ask if you were too scared. but hed be very very proud of you even if you took a small step out of your comfort zone. 

correct me if im wrong but harrys the type to pul your chair closer to his because he feels the need to protect you and be near you 24/7

hes secretly vv possessive

when he saw he'll always be with you and watching you, he actually means it. he has eyes and would constantly have them to report back to him

talking to a guy? harrys jealous. make any physical contact? harrys burning with fury. catches you or the guy you are talking to make eye contact? he would want to stomp right in your conversation. 

being possessive doesnt mean hes insecure in his books. he just hate the thought of someone having you in their heart.

[yourbigendergremlet]

Here is a bunch of rambles ive vollected over a few months instead of posting them in seperate posts

Feeling dysphoric about my face not being masculine, putting my hair down because it makes me feel masculine, i hate hair in my face, all my headbands to hold my hair back have bows on it, rip off the bows, wear is like a sweatband

Manly ✨

Even if i was ever gonna come out to my family as bigender, they wouldn't just say it is terrible, they would just tell me that im making no sense because i am still female, a part of me is still that, but they just wouldn't get that a part of me is also male, they would just say it was a tomboy. If they continue to misgender me, they aren't exactly wrong because i am still female so calling me she/her is still not wrong so i cant get that angry about it

Feeling dysphoria? I just made a new album in my gallery and copied any images that made me feel like a guy into there and named it "i am a big strong beautiful manly man"

Felt like a guy today but went to church and was gonna sit in the mens side but then felt extremely uncomfortable so i went to the women's side but i also felt uncomfortable with myself there and aaaagh

Me making braclets with my pride flags but my family dont know that thy are pride flags because they dont know the bigender and genderfluid flags 😎

Complaining to my little brother about our mum not letting me buy men's clothes and freely shopping in the men's section with him because he has not yet been tainted by our parents and older sister's views and feeling amazing even though he still knows nothing about lgbt stuffs

Me thinking of a plan to ask my little brother what his views on the lgtvs are but descreetly so that if he doesnt like it he wont tell mother 0.0

Conversation switches to "lgbt people bad", me goes completely silent 0.0 me: "haha yeah thats weird..." when talked directly to desperately trying to switch topic while not outing myself

My sister wants to try new nail polish but already has some on so asks my little brother to do it on him, parents being like "nooo he's a boyyyy" and my sister being like "yeah guys wear nail polish now tho but he still isnt gonna be able to be a girl" and me being there like "yeah, he can put on nail polish" and internally screaming that guys can be girls if they are aaaa

Hahaha internalised transphobia :D for a while there

Me: am i actually genderfluid or am i actually bigender? Am i faking it? Am i pretending to relate to genderfluid and ftm trans people? Am i only just female and male or am i non binary also a bit??? Am i duel weilding my genders or am i fluctuating between them right now i have no clue??????? Is that why im feeling like thisssss???

Me going out somewhere, analysing how guys walk and act differently to girls and taking mental notes

Walking two steps like how people say guys walk and feeling absolutely on top of the world before going back to normal

Hoping im being subtle in trying to lower my voice so my family dont question it (and horribly failing at being subtle why is lowering your voice a bit so hard??)

Tumblr recomending me a suspicious amount of transgender posts before i had started properly questioning my gender or even thought about it

If i was a AMAB, being bigender would be so much easier becuase it's easier to just wear a skirt or dress and look distinctly feminine and then wear other stuff and look distinctly masculine but as a AFAB when you wear male clothes you still look female but who just bought something from the male section instead of looking like a guy

My mum speaking arabic and using the masculine versions of words for me as a joke but me internally pretending that she is using my correct pronouns 🥲

Me considering getting the school trousers so i can wear that sometimes instead of my skirt but also its my last year and no point spending money on uncomfortable trousers ill never wear again if its only for one year

So in church, women wear something called an isharba which is a headscarf meant to cover your hair to be modest.

Ive noticed that on days where im feeling like a girl, i can wear the isharba theoughout the mass but on days where im feeling like a guy i feel very uncomfortable wearing it and dont usually wear it in the mass. On some days i can wear it on and off throughout as well. It's intresting how my gender also effects something like wearing a head scarf, but i guess it can also be kinda like skirts in that sense? It was also a very subconcious feeling and even when i wasnt aware of what gender i was that day i would sometimes feel uncomfortable

Some days i feel more comfortable with the label bigender, and sometime im more comfortable with the label genderfluid and it's weird

Today im feeling more masculine, but also not fully so im more between he/they. But also there is a small twinge of feminine but only a small amount.

So i dont really feel like he/him, but i dont like they/them for myself, but then also im not he/she because there isnt a lot of she in me but im not he/him because i dont feel fully like a guy.

Im not none of them because i am all of them but to varying degrees to the extent where im not comfortable with any of the pronouns no matter how they are balanced. Idk? Are people just not meant to refer to me when i feel like this????

A very specific feeling i want to experience is wearing a dress while looking like a boy, i really want to have the feeling of being a cis boy wearing a dress so much

I didn't realise how important having facial and body hair was to me until my mum and sister kept saying that i should shave it. I really really love my body and facial hair and i really want even a small beard but my mum and sister made me shave my tiny moustache hairs and unibrow for christmas and tried to get me to shave my leg and arm hair and i feel super dysphoric without it being there anymore

That moment of delusion where i pretend to myself that the soft fabricy present my sister got for me was a binder and fantasise about it but its just a jumper in reality

My sister was talking about starfield and how stupid it was that you could put pronouns "why not just have it male and female lol" and i tried to laugh along but really just could not make it sound energetic and i felt kinda sick

Ive recently had the epithany that as a bigenderfluid person i am still allowed to be a femboy or a tomboy and that being feminine doesnt necessarily make me a girl that day and i am still a guy and-

[cheval-grand]

i was gonna vaguepost this because it's really dumb but actually no. i want to talk about this because it's been the highlight of my week since my cat passed away (he was 22, couldn't be helped, but still hurts a lot) which is that Raleigh, the horse youtuber behind RaleighLink just made the most ironic mistake ever

basically TL;DR the girl whose entire internet career was built on destroying and humiliating people for not being entirely educated on proper horse care...didn't do good enough research on moving her horses, and they paid some consequences. I feel bad for her horses, but the irony is so, so delicious.

she just moved her horses to florida. like. just did that. and posted a video a week ago about how terrible it went. like. as a floridian whose had horses...lmao! lol! rofl!

she talked in the video about how she didnt see anyone talking about the issues she had with her horses after they moved and went on to list...some seriously common issues. like. maybe ive just been surrounded by extremely ambivalent horse people my whole life, but EVERYONE around me my whole life has talked about the biggest issues for moving horses even AROUND florida being

the bugs. you have to both check that the barn/area you're moving to isn't completely overrun with bugs and that some horses just wont be able to handle the bugs, mentally and/or physically. Bug repellents and treatments do NOT work here and the winters don't get cold enough to kill them off so if your horse can't handle bugs or you can't find a sufficiently bug-free boarding, you're screwed.

the grass. even if you're just moving a county over, you never EVER let your horse just into a pasture to bare graze. The richness of the grass varies between areas because of how florida is laid out so you dont let newly moved horses graze without at least an extremely restrictive muzzle or else you're risking colic from the grass change alone

do NOT. EVER. move your horses during the summer. its the worst heat imaginable. bugs in full force. dry spells that make the ground hell to walk on, then rain spells that flood entire pastures. and you're putting the stress of moving on your horse too?

and like. even if you decide to stick your head in the ground and ignore everyone else around here (understandable) you can ask a vet here and they will tell you this. like. for free.

plus, i am willing to bet major money from the fact that she mentioned putting her horses on a 50-acre barn and looking for horse properties that she was looking to move to Ocala, AKA the horse capital of the world. Which would be even funnier considering that the website for the county actually warns about some of these things when moving your horse there too.

basically what im gleaning from this is that she didn't consult with any florida horse people, any florida vets, or even do a deep enough search online for some extremely common issues, and her horses are, no surprise, having reactions to the bugs, and I suspect the grass too, as well as the sweltering heat of mid summer because of it.

again, i feel really bad for her horses, but the fact that THE PERSON who built a 300k+ youtube audience on attacking people for anything from actual horse abuse to simple beginner mistakes has...made a beginner mistake, is so hilariously ironic to me.

[clockworkreapers]

How will the main 6 be in a universe where the hemospectrum got swapped (rust become the highest while fuchsia the lowest)?

Hmm Iv done a blood swap before where I flip their blood colors but haven’t ever actually thought about a full social spectrum flip. Also I have a lot of questions on how that would work population wise is- like now are rusts are more rare and live longer and are more durable and fuchsias are abundant and live a short amount of time and are weak?

Just questions with the social swap but I’m going to say everything swaps then including all the biological stuff besides like mental powers and shit that relate to blood.

Sauron: he’d be royal and part of a very small circle right? So he’d have a lot of power and probably be a lot more emotional and softer since he’s allowed to be and people care about his well-being. Less afraid of the world around him but still enough for his anxieties to creep in when it’s “how do people view me, am I doing a good job.” He really wouldn’t have had as much bad luck growing up or in his adult life cuz the consequences for his actions would be so much lighter, less scars less mistrust of other trolls, less damage to his psyche. He’d still have his mental issues though, having depression and anxiety because your brain chemicals are fucky wont change if your social status does.

Falmea: see if she had none of the experiences and saw none of the shit she did growing up as one of the lowest social classes she would be so different. She’s still be brash and loud and very hot headed because that’s just her personality but the violence and the anger she harbors wouldent be there cuz she doesn’t need to fight to survive she doesn’t need to be the tough badass bitch that will fuck you up if you cross her. She’s probably be also way more oblivious to how the world works cuz well her life is going fine, she’s be the energetic entertaining outgoing loud friend at parties who can do whatever she wants.

Cyrusk: he would very likely stay military for the rest of his life get up in the ranks maybe even become one of the top ranks and get most of his time off just directing and organizing other trolls. He’d be pretty damn happy, higher social class im guessing he’d get more help for his disabilities so he’d get a much better prosthetic for his leg and his eye and left ear so he wouldn’t be half blind and def. He’d be a lot more comfy but maybe a bit more prone to indulgence and parties cuz he’s still an extrovert who really likes company.

Cybele: well she’s olive so she won’t much change being just bumped up like the equivalent of jade I guess? Hey maybe that means she can finally be a nurse! She’d absolutely love to be able to help people more, no matter how dirty the job is or how long helping people is always very rewarding to her the amount of work doesn’t matter. Both other than that I don’t think she would change at all.

Majell: she would be higher low class right? She’s probably be a bit less proper and a lot more aware of social issues cuz as much as Majell tries to understand and is part of that ecosystem she usually has a lot more power even then and can be a bit oblivious. If it’s flipped however yeah she is going to get that first hand experience, she’d likely try to push against it more strongly be more outspoken, more actively trying to make a difference in the system.

Helstm: He would be a lot different his core personality would still be there he’s still be a bit standoffish hed be a lot more “willing” to listen to people and do what he’s told cuz he’s have less grounds to just do what he wants. He’d be a lot more grown up personality wise because he would need to mature faster. I feel like because of that he’d have a much higher work ethic and probably be even more of a natural macgyver because he won’t have access to the expensive stuff. Without all his money and anything to his name or social status.

[xl012v]

Vent

I just think if she let me be completely in control we wouldn’t have Any issues. I feel like she just cant live or function without me because after we left each other she only got worse. And its possible this is true because we were very codependent on each other. I should WANT to see her thrive on her own and be independent but instead I feel abandoned

I feel like if she just let me think for her and decide who she should associate with, she’d be better off. I know logically though that I’d just be hindering her progress as a Good Human Being. She needs to learn from her mistakes. And the proof of that is just that after all this I’ve realized she has zero conflict resolution skills and maybe it’s because I’ve sheltered her for so long. I think shes responsible for herself and her actions but I wonder if I had some part in this

She just confuses me so much because I’m willing to stay with her even if she hurts me and shes said she wants to and I’d literally give her everything shes ever wanted if she just stayed with me. I’d improve myself I’d let her abuse me but the moment I make one mistake and promise to do better shes got her foot out the door already. I wish there was someone in this world who would forgive me for all I’ve done and just love me as I am. I just want a second chance honestly, but I’ve accepted I wont ever be getting that.

Shes taken advantage of my bpd and my willingness to give up all autonomy but then when she offers to take verbal abuse ONCE and I tell her I wont be verbally abusing her, I’m suddenly the bad guy. We were both given the chance to take advantage of each other at some point in this relationship, and yet she was the only one out of the both of us who actually took that chance to do it. Then she even tried to blame me as if me being hurt by her was my fault. I’m just too easy to take advantage of. This is why dating someone who doesn’t understand bpd pisses me off. I eventually came to my senses and told her off but yeah she blamed me, and it was nearly impossible to get her to apologize

Every time I put her on a pedestal I have to remind myself that she isnt as kind or caring as I remember her to be. I’ve given her everything and I gave up all my money and energy and time and privacy to her. To the point where I didnt have any friends after exiting a relationship with her. Even a month or two after we broke up I spent almost $200 on her and she was still acting like a brat about it and almost COMPLAINING that I wasnt satisfying her still. I’m fucking insane I don’t know what my issue is

I feel like everything would be okay if she just stayed with me but I know it isnt true. She needs to be on her own for a bit. Shes too immature for me and I even think some of her personality traits are Extremely unattractive. To the point where I’m nearly traumatized by people like her (Mostly just people who refuse to communicate properly, I already had trauma with this because of autism but shes made it ten times worse). Now I think people who can’t communicate or make decisions are unattractive and they even scare me. I feel like I might accidentally hurt them and never know. But I wonder why shes been so bad with our falling out. Why and how have I handled it so well? I can only guess that I’m just used to having to move on quickly from hurting and being hurt. I hate these feelings so I focus more on conflict resolution and finding solutions so I can make all the pain stop. I think if I was able to feel guilt the same way a neurotypical did, I would’ve killed myself by now

[modstarfell]

Any favorite headcanon about your favorite characters? 👀

you have no idea what you've just unleashed. read more becuz. its a lot. i love a lot. mostly gals. but like. i love a lot. theyre who youre more likely to see me write for anyways naturally kdjfngkjn

only doing bb, drdt, dra here to make it easier and not that long... if sent another ask i'll try and do more muses from the others i write for

akeru having a small tattoo on her ankle because it's one of the few 'safest places' for her to have one.

kana; kana and kanjiro being childhood friends despite the odds of how they grew up and talking via walkie-talkies

kanjiro; has a cd player thats burned with old convos so when kana gets super busy (she helped with this btw!!) hes able to listen to her voice and not feel so isolated while training on his own since he didnt really have anyone friend wise outside of kana (collided with previous hc)

arei; i've been obsessed with the idea of her letting her hair down to purposefully tease people that have been staring at her a little too long (in a joking way if theyre already friends) but also she just ends up making like a billion tiny braids with her hair when shes bored... doesnt tie it though, so they all fall out real quick

veronika; as much as she *loves* horror she loves toying with peoples hearts via writing even more. watching how they react to her writing and feeding off it to make it hurt much more in an angsty fic or something. also ocasionally despite her love for lolita fashion; will dress down if she wants to avoid people once in awhile.... she looks nearly entirely different!

akane; literally where do i start??? i have so much for her... but i think my favorite would have to be ironically her not being able to read properly. i mean it's never really said if she went to school school or not; and it's possible utsuros luck reunited them easily anyways... but also having this girl boss of a character and then one flaw; cannot read kjndfgkjn

also the relationship i created with her and shobai even if unintentionally. it started off as a way to include him in the story properly (and not just 'mikados errand boy' type of thing since. obviously my story is different.) but it really grew on me and i hold it close to my heart!

kizuna; it would have to be her giving her classmates free nail painting sessions for the funsies of it, jokingly saying she expects payment but she never actually does! shes accepted her reputation but it doesnt mean she wont have fun with it from time to time

minako; birthday celebrating. making sure to always celebrate kizunas birthday even if theyre struggling with money, if things are tight that month. always makes it work. always sits and has the 'best birthdays ever' even if it's something smaller. with the type of household they come from; you'd rarely expect any sort of birthday to happen outside of a big money purchase as a gift and thats it but no. minako will go to actually attempting to celebrate with a birthday and a girls day.

utsuro; my entire rendition is basically one big headcanon/hj but... picking one for him..... hmmmmmm... it would have to be that he's a terrible cook actually. i've talked about it before a few times i know but its another silly to me for no reason. if you want something more newer i haven talked about....... despite being 'bored with everything and everyone' he's followed along to being info dumped to by akane and the kidsTM... had tries to do their hobbies all at least once. some went better then others......... still physically weak noodle

[bbarican]

july 30, 2023; 7:21 pm - life updates

hi, tumblr! its been a minute ~ how are you guys? isnt it so weird that july just decided to be a blip and is now over like it never actually happened even though it was a super busy month? either way, im here to update ya'll on how ive been and other things and if youre interested, just keep reading along; either way, i love you!

family:

bittersweetly, wala na kaming bisita sa bahay; ang weird kasi my mom pointed out na we had visitors nga pala ever since may, thats a lot of time to have people over at your house and to not have privacy; it is sad though to have the house this quiet again but i, glad for the memories we all made over the course of everyone's stay

i treated my mom to a mani pedi session yesterday and it was really nice and relaxing; i finally got my nails done again and im so happy!

other than the aforementioned, we dont have a lot going on except the fact that we're going to a lunch buffet on saturday so atleast we have something to look forward to

im just really excited for the rest of the year and what that holds for me and my family

personal life:

im in a much better headspace and i am truly grateful for whatever or whoever helped me along the way

july was tough kasi i kept pushing myself to my limit without really noticing and again its very bittersweet kasi a part of me is super proud na i can actually juggle so much but at the same time my mind was not doing okay

but im glad im better now; maybe it was just a bad and busy week but i know for a fact na hindi lang yun yung week na ganun sa buong buhay ko so atleast now i know i can actually handle it

i finished reading happy place by emily henry already and i love that book so much; it being about people around my age made it all the more relatable + its super funny + it hits a little too close to home knowing that im the same as the protagonist; overall, its such a great book and i wish i could read it for the first time ulit

been trying to download bumble again pero literally my phone wont let me kasi it always prompts me to fix my payment method sa apple id which is totally fine btw but it always ends up being in error so i just take that as a sign na downloading bumble is just gonna be a waste of time anyway

i need to buy clothes kasi 1.) i wanna invest in them (again, my mom has a point na i need to stop repeating my outfits as much as i do) and 2.) i have an event to go to on the 11th ata so i need to dress up for that

i also want to sell some of my stuff kasi day by day i just keep realizing na i have so much stuff and instead of throwing them away, might as well make some money out of them

work:

im relieved that work is better now; not as busy, but busy enough to keep me on my feet without actually killing me mentally

i love my officemates; i love how the board takers are back and that the noise is back too

na approve na din kaagad yung revisions namin for our community library project which means we get to go to ikea already and purchase the stuff we wanted to for the project

feels kinda weird din talaga to not have been able to go to the office for a week cause of the weather kaya tomorrow im really gonna push myself to go kahit na alam kong uulan parin kasi i just know im gonna be lazy as fuck if i dont go to the office nanaman

regarding our team building, again, im not so keen on pushing through with it this august kasi 1.) its raining, 2.) mahal na since we're booking for the same dates, and 3.) again, i have no idea what our budget is to begin with so its really hard to plan anything anyway

and yeah, thats it for my life updates ~ im beyond excited for august, so here's to making the last day of july super fun and productive and memorable in whatever way it could be

ingat kayong lahat especially since for sure uulan parin this week!