#and even if that means eating the souls of her godlike children who

[bragganhyl]

ngl these "which eoran god is/isn't problematic" polls make me wanna rant about Magran but I don't have the braincells rn

edit: i did end up ranting in the tags whoopsie lmao

[monstrousgourmandizingcats]

animorphs!

the first character i ever fell in love with:

Rachel "a lot of Yeerks and goyim stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them" Berenson, although I loved Eva "Genesis 3:15" Marcosmom by proxy even before I started reading because she was the first character the friend who pitched the books to me gushed about.

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not:

At first I thought Edriss 562/Visser One, the Yeerk whose host Eva is, was kind of iconic in a gaslight gatekeep girlboss sort of way, but after reading the side story from her POV, I've concluded that she's the fucking worst and deserved everything she got.

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not:

I haven't really lost interest in any Animorphs ships yet!

my ultimate favorite character™:

Again, Rachel.

prettiest character:

Rachel and Eva. Also Taylor, the slightly-older, evil, Yeerk-infested doppelganger of Rachel who tortures Tobias in book 33.

my most hated character:

Probably Edriss 562, although the Ellimist takes a strong second place for being the most malignly useless ostensibly-benevolent godlike being I've encountered in fiction since the useless dragon from Merlin.

my OTP:

Rachel/Tobias aka Queer and Different Heterosexual Relationship (For Real This Time) aka Canon-Typical Zoophilia, which I wasn't expecting to like at all but fell for incredibly hard and fast. It helps that I'm processing some of my own gender and ethnoreligious shit through Tobias's discomfort with his body and his human relationships, so I'm reading some of what my younger self went through psychologically and spiritually into the ship as well.

my NOTP:

I ran across someone claiming that the horrifying Edriss/Eva/Peter/Nora situation is the sort of thing that could be solved by polyamory and I'd rather eat glass than give any quarter at all to that incredibly fucked-up notion.

favorite episode:

N/a but my favorite book is probably 19, the first one with Aftran in it.

saddest death:

I mean. Rachel. There's not much competition here since most of the other deaths are of either much less important characters or villains. It's sad in a meta way, though, that Jake spends the entire series motivated by saving his brother, but ends up ordering Rachel to just kill him along with his Yeerk.

favorite season:

N/a.

least favorite season:

The books I hate most are The Ellimist Chronicles and the Civil War one, which have the exact same problem: both stitch together two plots that are individually fine in a way that has morally repellent implications.

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate:

"Hate" is a very strong word but I think there's a reluctance to acknowledge some of the awful stuff Ax does and believes in favor of reducing him to the more-than-usually-literal cinnamon roll angle.

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave:

I've spent half this post gushing about a character who's a risk-addicted sadist and has entire plotlines revolving around her attempts at coming to terms with this fact about herself. Guess.

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave:

I'm choosing violence by saying this, but Cassie.

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship:

Not a specific ship, but Esplin 9466/Visser Three has an Andalite fetish that I am convinced would be just as obvious as Gul Dukat from DS9's Bajoran fetish if these weren't children's books.

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship:

This is where I'm at with both Jake/Cassie and Cassie/Aftran.

send me a fandom and i’ll tell you…

[sergeant-angels-trashcan]

eleanor shellstrop, secret winchester

given her age she’s a little older than Sam which means Eleanor and Sam are MIDDLE CHILDREN. She considers herself the Oldest Sibling because she does, jerkoff, and if you have a problem with that you can eat her farts!!!

she inherited the important Winchester gene to repress repress repress.

she’s a TERRIBLE hunter, she HATES it, but she is excellent at remembering random connections between hunters. She’s like imdb for for hunters. 

Chidi hosts ethics classes for interested supernatural beings. Meg is his best student. 

Bela is alive because I say so and always tries to get Eleanor to work with her. She also tries to seduce Tahani three times a year. 

Garth and Jason are BEST. BUDS.

Pillboi becomes part of the hunter’s network sourcing blood and organs for creatures who don’t want to murder humans. This means he has a bunch of incredibly dangerous supernatural beings with a vested interest in his well being. Pillboi might date Benny at some point.

Sam is constantly trying to get Eleanor to TALK about her FEELINGS, like, fork off, man! Just because we share a dad doesn’t mean we’re FAMILY.

Michael to Sam: i was totally rooting for you to take over hell. it’s so exciting to meet you! like meeting royalty that isn’t racist or imperialist. so not like meeting royalty at all.

dean: what the fuck is jeremy bearimy

sam: this broke me. the dot over the i.

getting drunk and swapping Traumatic Childhood™ stories with her brothers and realizing that they have a lot in common, actually, and maybe they aren’t as terrible as she thought

she and Sam bond over striking out on their own

Adam is the only one of them who had even SLIGHTLY a normal childhood and he’s just like. guys you all need therapy. 

SAYS THE DUDE WITH AN ARCHANGEL AS HIS COPILOT, Eleanor says

she and dean watch Venom together and have this slow-dawning realization that THIS is what Adam and Michael’s relationship is, WHAT THE HELL

going to bars and having competitions over who can get the most numbers

eleanor giving dean the Talk about liking dudes

at some point just yelling at him that he loves cas, now would dean PLEASE get his head out of his ash and DO something about it, we are SO TIRED of your heteronormativity, dude!!!

“if I can finish college you sure as fork can” and she dumps a bunch of nontraditional student info on Sam

Eleanor helping during investigations because “i’m a world-class liar, baby!”

she and Sam also bond over their hatred of clowns

teaches Sam some signs that she knows but they’re all VERY suggestive and she doesn’t tell him that. She’s got your back, Eileen

Eleanor flirting with Billie, accidentally has a threesome with her and Rowena

Dean making her elaborate shrimp dishes when she’s sad (usually when Chidi has to go lecture somewhere)

Eleanor: I’m an Arizona dirtbag but YOU are serial killers. I’m gonna be the velociraptor of this family.

(has big “a TRANSFORMER is the scribe of god???” “that’s megatron” energy)

She and Jason ask Sam for HYPOTHETICAL legal advice

for some reason can’t use her nephilim powers until after she dies and comes back

#WinchestersNeverDie

she doesn’t really use them for anything except shrimp and margaritas and pranks

is Jack’s vodka aunt

he just BEAMS every time he sees her

teaches Jack normal human behaviors since NONE of his fathers are even remotely normal

“oh my god, NO Jack, don’t return your cart to the cart corral. leave it in the parking space. that’s what humans do.”

she’s helped a demon through an existential moral crisis. jack’s soul stuff? not a big deal. she’ll walk him through it.

loans him some of her powers so maybe he doesn’t even need to use his soul

“this kid is too nice. satan is your dad. be meaner, jack”

“this is my cousin, the son of the devil, who uses his magical godlike powers to right the wrongs of the world. i am the child of gabriel, the angel who explained shirt to people, and i use my magical godlike powers to manifest a never ending supply of shrimp”

“are we SURE i am not lucifer’s child?”

Gabe: nope kiddo you’re mine

Gabe: this sarcasm-fueled trashbag is my daughter and i love her very much

they go cop tipping on weekends which is where they flip over cop cars

you know those posts that talk about Gabe being Jesus’ dad? That

Eleanor: i’m sorry the FUCK do you mean JC is my BROTHER

Eleanor, five hours and a panic attack later: are there any other famous siblings I should know about????

Gabe: well we don’t talk about Rasputin

Sam: i’m sorry WHAT

she never meets soulless!sam which is good because pre-death Eleanor and soulless!sam would have been like. ponzi-scheme and bounce to bermuda with the money types

Crowley proposes to her once a month

also the height difference between her and her brothers is VERY important and hilarious

she’s yelling at Sam about something and Dean picks her up and stands her on a table so she can be eye to eye with him

[thestarbornpilgrim]

Okay Okay

You all want my full theory, so as a good blogger I will provide. Tell me if I run off course. And no one tag me with the timeline, I am well aware of the the timeline. What I am theorizing does fit into the timeline. So lets begin.

So we are aware of the Megabird. God, or creator, call them what you will. A creature of light. It gifted the light to the first of its creation, is also aware that the promised land was a lot easier to get through and the only way to be reborn, as mentioned in the first part of the timeline.

But we are also aware that at one point, immortality or god-like power was reserved only for the elders and that for those who could not make it through the promised land, death was final. This is noted in the time during the “Dark Stone Era.”

And name one player who hasn't at least heard of the king and the prince. Now all this is connected, so bear with me.

Assuming my theory is correct when you are reborn, you are reborn as a youth, no matter what age you go through. It seems as though the Ancients didn't migrate to the promised land to be reborn until they age. (See image below) For the sake of theory, in the beginning, that was part of their life cycle ritual. You grew old, and if you aged, you were granted access to rebirth through the promise land door. However, if you died before your time, you were not reborn. Pretty simple.Now, you have the prince who seems to have survived several centuries without aging, but their is no mention of him being reborn. Judging by the images as well, you aren’t allowed to be reborn and yet he has not changed. Meanwhile the ancestors are aged, tall and grown, perhaps ready to Migrate. 

The Elders then take their place at each of the realms. Including the prince, who is granted a throne in Eden as king. 

Proof that the prince is one of the elders is in some of the concept art as well. (Look at baby princy)

As we know from the timeline, Megabird has created a balance, a chance for people to live their lives, have children, grow and share, and yes, even die. They are eventually reborn to start a new life. And judging by this culture, as well as many other cultures who share reincarnation beliefs, you may have been reborn as animals and plants too. So keep that in mind. This what I meant by Megabird; sure, they may not be perfect. But they seem to be an entity of balance, fairness, and wisdom. 

Mind you, there isn't flight during this time either, at least not by their own power. All the traveling is done one foot, and as the creators mentioned and revealed, there are and perhaps are even more villages in this world. Meaning people settled, people ate, people lived. 

Okay, how we doing? Still here? GREAT!Let’s keep going!

Now to why the elders may be broken, and yes even dead. The Elders are obsessed with immortality find a way to cheat it, giving themself godlike powers.  Unlike what is believed to be in the timeline, I believe the Elders came before and corrupted the king. 

So why.

Because they thought they had the right to. It’s mentioned that the Elders think they better then Megabird, separating themselves from its worship.

Note how all the Elders match the above colors, not only in death but even in life. When shown in nonspirit form, it is revealed that all of them match the dark opposing colors of the light. Aka Megabird. Often in myths, legendary characters are torn down by their hubris, which isn’t surprising as they considered themselves “Godly” with the dark stones. But it’s a little more than that.

There is another color, rarely mentioned and rarely even seen throughout the game. Red

Red seems to represent anger and aggression. And it is well noted that Eden has gone beyond corruption. It is swarming with dangers, including red crystals that suck up your light and the red beams of the Krill or Dragons that eat your light.

The king (Once Prince) Became furious, angry. Why? Well, remember those trials last season? And remember Anubis? And remember how I mentioned that if you died before your time, it was pretty much final? 

Anyone who has gone through the trials knows the mural. They know the mural and the prince featured at the end, but they must also remember this:

(Credit here X) Notice the blue bodies, the ones not moving? Remember how Anubis is the god of burial? What if the prince went through the trials and several of his friends and instead of coming out with them, he came out... alone. Coming out of the trials he is crowned the soul king of Eden, and the corruption begins.

As mentioned in the timeline, the Dark Stones Corrupt. The prince wearing the dark stones as a child is more easily corrupted. The colors are a huge signifier of what side the people are on, which is mentioned in the concept art as well.

The prince, realizing that death is final, facing unspeakable dangers is broken. His innocents shattered and making him even more susceptible to the dark stone. The trials are nothing more than a haunting nightmare. One he can't rid himself.

Infuriated, and broken hearted he goes to find answers, traveling to the realms, angrily destroying that which keeps the elders alive as each of them refuses his wishes. They selfishly hoard their immortality while realizing that the children would die in horrific ways. For what?  Finally, reaching the priest in the Vaults. 

It is mentioned to be a place of hope of wisdom and, of course, kept secrets. He fights with her, trying to find a way to bring back his friends, but she refused to delve into the secret. Perhaps knowing that if he does, it could tip the balance further, destroy her, destroy the elders, who are already suffering due to their broken dark stones. He doesn't accept her answer or forced calm. Instead taking the information by force. Eden is his realm, and soon after leaving the vault, it becomes as corrupted and as inhospitable as him. 

He is trying to bring back his friends; he will get them. But in the process, he tips it too far. Destroying Eden and all the people who are there. Killing all current life and plunging the promised land and the world into silence except for the monsters corrupted and stirring.

Megabird was horrified by this and his attempt. The prince has destroyed the cycle of life and death, leaving an empty world with its most loved creatures gone. Yes, the prince gets his wish, his friends returned to life... in their own way.

As memoryless, motionless, winged lights.

The Megabird then creates a new creature, with the cycle broken and the world in chaos. The only way to bring balance is to create creatures who can collect and remind their past spirits and send them home. The curse of the winged lights is now used to fuel the new creation of their world. While the Elders, including the prince himself, are cursed to relive the last moments of their mistakes over and over again. An echo, a mere shadow of their former grandeur. The prince is trapped within the eye of his anger and corruption, afraid, lost, and eternal.

This leads to the final section of the game, the area where you embrace the light. Huddling and alone in the dark, hesitant at your offer to accept them. And yet another winged light. Giving his light to you and all who visit as eternal retribution for his mistake.

And Cut!

[dweemeister]

Best Animated Short Film Nominees for the 93rd Academy Awards (2021, listed in order of appearance in the shorts package)

NOTE: For viewers in the United States (continental U.S., Alaska, and Hawai’i) who would like to watch the Oscar-nominated short film packages, click here. For virtual cinemas, you can purchase the packages individually or all three at once. You can find info about reopened theaters that are playing the packages in that link. Because moviegoing carries risks at this time, please remember to follow health and safety guidelines as outlined by your local, regional, and national health officials.

Continuing with one of my favorite Oscar-time traditions, here is an omnibus review of this year’s Academy Award nominees for Best Animated Short Film. This is an older category than many might believe to be, with some of the first nominees and winner including ‘30s and ‘40s fixtures: Disney’s Silly Symphonies, Warner Bros.’ Looney Tunes, MGM’s Tom and Jerry and Happy Harmonies. These days, the category tends to be more democratic (perhaps not so much this year), but certainly more experimental. Here are the nominees, as they appeared in the order of how they appeared in the short film packages released to theaters and virtual cinemas in the United States:

Burrow (2020)

Burrow, directed by Madeline Sharafian (story artist on 2017’s Coco, writer on Cartoon Network’s We Bare Bears), is the eighth in Pixar’s SparkShorts series, in which Pixar’s junior animators craft a short film on a limited budget and timeframe. This is the film that played in front of Soul for those lucky enough to view that film theatrically. This dialogue-free, hand-drawn film stars a young rabbit, looking to dig out and furnish her own home – complete with a bathroom-disco (or something like that). Her best-laid plans, however, seem dashed when she keeps digging and running into other animals’ underground abodes in this area. Not that these animals seem to mind the intrusions too much. The rabbit, so anxiety-driven in her eagerness to project a picture of self-assuredness, soon realizes that these nearby animals she fears to have disturbed are all neighbors, a community ready to lend a paw for the newcomer.

Sharafian credits her sense of impostors’ syndrome when first working at Pixar as the film’s primary thematic inspiration. With only a bare number of lines, the rabbit expresses a vast array of emotions, endearing the audience to her self-dramatization and youthful insecurity. Drawn flatly but nevertheless suggesting some depth, the cutaway animation depicting the burrow neighborhood recalls Richard Scarry’s books and other such colorful ensemble illustrations found in children’s picture books. Burrow is a worthy addition to Disney/Pixar’s animated short film legacy, despite the lack of innovation and obvious low-budget appeal (it uses the third movement of Mozart’s Oboe Concerto as its soundtrack), and seems like something that could have been made during the heyday of Silly Symphonies or Warner Bros.’ Merrie Melodies.

My rating: 7/10

Genius Loci (2020, France)

From the Latin term meaning “the spirit of a place”, Adrien Mérigeau’s Genius Loci is the most difficult, abstract film of this year’s slate of nominees. Genius Loci stars a young black woman named Reine (Nadia Moussa), a solitary soul who embarks upon, while walking the streets of Paris at night, an existential revelation. Reine, who is supposed to be babysitting her nephew that evening, decides to have a small adventure instead. She will find this experience and this Parisian neighborhood disorienting and chaotic, in many of the ways that life in a sprawling metropolis can be. The film’s sound mix clangs, whispers, vibrates, and echoes into Reine’s soul, injecting feelings of harmony, but mostly those of displacement. The distant rumbling of traffic is subliminal here, crescendoing and decrescendoing to control the film’s tension. Throughout, Mérigeau provides a fragmented narrative (do not fixate on the plot) and the protagonist’s intangible, occasionally abstruse, narration. Spiritual and existential loss colors Reine’s ambling, as well as a sense of modern France’s racial otherizing that makes the city feel unwelcoming, if not antagonistic.

Mérigeau (background cleanup on 2009’s The Secret of Kells, art director on 2014’s Song of the Sea) collaborated with Belgian comic illustrator Brecht Evens (production designer on the excellent Marona’s Fantastic Tale from 2019) for the film’s dumbfounding backgrounds, as well as storyboarding the changes in aesthetic as Reine continues her journey through Paris. Marona’s influence is felt keenly throughout Genius Loci – from the lack of recognizably human figures among strangers to Reine and the ever-changing color scheme. Unlike Marona, Genius Loci commits to watercolors (or computerized animation meant to resemble watercolor paints) during the film’s entirety. The watercolor animation serves to loosen the character animation and the backgrounds’ definition, and serves as a paragon of expressionist animation. Genius Loci will bewilder audiences, challenging them to understand Reine’s painful attempt to find belonging and solace in a place that disallows such reflection.

My rating: 8.5/10

Opera (2020, South Korea)

Opera, directed by Erick Oh (an animator at Berkeley-based Tonko House, which crafted the 2014 nominee The Dam Keeper), is an independent South Korean/American production that owes more to Sandro Botticelli and Hieronymus Bosch than anything ever seen in animated cinema. This is a cinematic fresco teeming with activity, intended more as interactive art than for a movie theater. The setting is a pyramid filled with souls living, laboring, luxuriating, dying. As the camera pans downward from the godlike or prophet-like figures occupying the top, it later zooms outward, all timed alongside a day-night cycle. Opera’s story is that of human history, distilled in eight minutes of repetitive activity. The design of Oh’s film is as a museum installation – projected on a wall or the ground (the only instance Opera has been screened as such was at the Ars Electronica Animation Festival in Linz, Austria) – that loops continuously, and, if one looks closely enough at the pyramid’s sections, there are loops within the film’s loops. If viewed in a museum, Opera does not pan selectively as it does if projected in a theater or a home media screen.

Pieced together in between Oh’s other film projects over four years and a pandemic, Oh and his animators (some of whom participated voluntarily, without pay) concentrated on different sections of the pyramid at a time, synchronizing the action in a specific section to match the surrounding areas – and, ultimately, the film as a whole. Opera contains intricacies impossible to realize on first, second, third viewings. Even in its limited, virtual cinema form, it engulfs the viewer in its hierarchical animation, the intentionally simplistic character animation serving to universalize the drama of its beings’ existence. It is rapturous art, the sort that defies description, and undoubtedly will echo across Oh’s subsequent films.

My rating: 8.5/10

If Anything Happens I Love You (2020)

For some American viewers, I imagine that this title alone has already spoiled the film’s content even without seeing any footage. A Netflix production directed by Will McCormack (co-writer on 2019’s Toy Story 4) and Michael Govier (bit roles in American television), If Anything Happens I Love You is the only nominee in this category directed by individuals with no background in directing animation. McCormack and Govier met at acting school; acting remains their primary profession. Without dialogue, the film opens with two parents eating dinner at opposite ends of the table. They seem aloof, their minds elsewhere. The background is spare, with only a jumble of pencil sketches making sense of any barriers enclosing them. Flexible, animated silhouettes appear from their bodies – sometimes arguing vigorously with each other, at times shadowing the person and attempting to call their attention. Grief overhangs their household, expressed through a largely monotone palette, minimalistic designs and backgrounds. The background artists exclude any detail unnecessary to the story.

Written and crafted in collaboration with (so as to not spoil the film, I am about to opaquely write about this film’s intentions) a prominent, deep-pocketed political non-profit so as to shear the film of any thematic excess, If Anything Happens I Love You has, unlike its fellow nominees, broad support among certain prominent actors in Hollywood. Laura Dern is the executive producer and various actors – including Chelsea Handler, Rashida Jones, and Lesley Ann Warren, among others – have openly contributed or advocated for this movie. The visualization of the parents’ pain, even without dialogue, brings the viewer into a space unfathomable to most, unbearable for those who know too well. The use of the King Princess song “1950” meshes awkwardly with what is being portrayed on-screen at the time. But the character animation – McCormack and Govier’s experience as actors endows the couple with indelible humanity – and its visual discipline carry the film to its heartbreaking conclusion.

My rating: 8/10

Yes-People (2020, Iceland)

Icelandic film Já-Fólkið (Yes-People) is the epitome of cheap European computer-generated animation. Directed by Gísli Darri Halldórsson (a former Cartoon Network Studios character animator), Yes-People – the Best Icelandic Short winner at the 2020 Reykjavik International Film Festival and the Children’s Choice Award winner at 2020’s Nordisk Panorama – is a largely aimless movie following the zany lives of the people who live in an apartment complex. That is all I have to say about the film’s narrative. The sketches it draws in each character’s life always feel disjointed and disconnected from all the others – save one scene of the elderly couple fornicating loud enough for their downstairs neighbors to hear. Halldórsson describes his film as a mosaic of personalities, but even a mosaic has a thematic consistency that unifies its disparate parts.

The desaturated colors of Yes-People are meant to resemble old photographs. As much as I respect what Halldórsson is aiming for, the results make the film look muddy, half-rendered – like a knockoff Pixar short from the early 1990s. Inspired when Halldórsson described to some of his Irish friends about the different tonal meanings of the word “Já” (“hello” in Icelandic), Yes-People only has one repeated word of dialogue throughout: “Já”. Is this supposed to be funny? Philosophical? I am not sure; and I am not sure the film knows it either. Reading some of Halldórsson’s interviews following his Academy Award nomination, he mentions that the film’s positive response from Iceland and Scandinavia might be culturally specific, as opposed to other parts of the world. As to what those cultural differences might be that prevented me from liking this film, I hardly have a clue.

My rating: 6/10

^ All ratings based on my personal imdb rating. Half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found in the “Ratings system” page on my blog (as of July 1, 2020, tumblr is not permitting certain posts with links to appear on tag pages, so I cannot provide the URL).

For more of my reviews tagged “My Movie Odyssey”, check out the tag of the same name on my blog.

Three other films played in this package as honorable mentions: Kapaemahu (2020; 7.5/10), The Snail and the Whale (2019; 6.5/10), and To: Gerard (2020; 6.5/10).

From previous years: 85th Academy Awards (2013), 87th (2015), 88th (2016), 89th (2017), 90th (2018), 91st (2019), 92nd (2020).

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 5 (Cont.)

Tsubasa ruminates about her current situation in her Symphogear Brand Safety Capsule of Absolute Dunces.

“aight ive done seen the light lemme at that sweet, sweet taco bell”

Meanwhile, some old ass politicians rumble about Relics.

“im old.”

But they immediately get fucked up in a nasty car accident.

As it turns out, the Americans were waiting to intercept these old crones to steal The Goods.

And holy fuck are they are American. Personally, I feel the writers of Symphogear watched Die Hard and immediately went “these people are fucking animals”. That’s just me, though.

“ooh ouch oh mmm ouchie ouch oooo ouch”

They tear into these people with an almost machine like efficiency.

These people don’t fuck around. There’s a strange surreality around it given that this is honestly pretty accurate to how brutal special operatives can be, but the Japanese accent they have in their English voices is... a bit jarring.

“IM BACK FROM THE MALL, YA’LL”

“oh god she’s back”

“ah, ryoko. as per your lingo, quote, ‘i like your new gucci boots... bitch’ was that good? im not fond at cursing at women unless its a mutual training session”

Genjuro alerts that the Minister of Defense for Japan has just been assassinated.

“shits bad”

Conveniently... Ryoko’s phone was broken. In her defense, it’s 2012. Battery life didn’t have the bragging rights it had now for phone.

“i personally use a razer flip phone. those will never go out of style!”

Ryoko manages to show them the box the Americans were trying to get. Suspiciously...

There’s a bloodstain on it.

So the main struggle right now is that the Bad Guys(tm) want to get their hands on Durandal, which is a completed relic that is hidden away miles underneath the school in the 2nd Division Labs.

This musty, old, shitty sword has immense power. Almost Godlike.

“hey why dont we just use the sword to beat up the bad guys”

The sword was handed from the EU to Japan for Japan to safekeep, and in exchange to forgive some of the loans the EU owed Japan should the EU economy collapse.

How topical.

“i read a lot of beserk and honestly im pretty sure someone beats up the bad guys with that dumb sword”

“listen nerd, we’re not doing that dumb weeb anime shit. we’re taking this sword to a vault to the bottom of parliament.”

“thats right. who needs anime when you’ve got nicholas cage.”

And so, they plotted to deliver this dumb sword tomorrow.

Ryoko logs into Runescape.

Fun fact: Fulcanelli is a reference to this dude, who was a French alchemist whose identity nobody really knows. Alchemy is a concept that will come up during GX that has no relevance whatsoever during these first 2 seasons except in some passerby jargon. This as just a cute thing I wanted to point out.

You know, that’s a pretty sexy sword upon closer examination.

“thats the dark souls of swords”

“ah! a fellow gamer! im glad that you too partake of the souls of darkening. would you like to play a two player match somtime, fellow Gamer?”

“I would genuinely rather eat shit for the rest of my life!”

The scene ends. Alright, where are n-

Oh God we’re back to this bullshit. Okay then.

Miku, reasonably, is upset that her wife is gone for several hours for increasingly sketchy reasons. Much like an estranged wife going to see her “tennis instructor” for “private tennis lessons” in the “safety of their house, which has a tennis court”, Miku is worried that Hibiki is a liar liar, pants on fire.

Nose the size of a wire.

Hibiki, feeling the fear of God, quickly bails this increasingly tense situation.

Miku is suffering, and so am I with this hamfisted writing.

“you didnt even try the cookies i made out of frustration for you. i designed them all after me with increasingly angrier faces”

“im too young for a divorce. fuck, those cookies smelled good”

Hibiki decides to not sweat it anymore, opening a magazine and WHOA WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DONT REMEMBER THIS WHEN DID HIBIKI GET HER HANDS ON THIS OH MY GOD

“HELL NO IM MARRIED THE DEVIL CANNOT TEMPT ME”

Hibiki closes it up to reveal the relevant part of this magazine.

This is subtle, but it’s basically a vehicle to explain how things are covered up for Symphogears. Ogawa walks in, talking about how this headline was his doing.

“i wasn’t joking when i said we were literally the NSA”

Hibiki is happy that Tsubasa has been freed from Metaphor Limbo, having escaped the Water Metaphor Dimension back into real life.

“she literally wont stop talking about taco bell and honestly its killing me inside”

“shit ill get her some”

Ogawa does some schpiel about teamwork and asks Hibiki for an idea on what to do with Tsubasas image even though he’s supposed to be the manager and it’s just general prattle.

Everyone gets briefed about the delivery. Ryoko’s soccer mom van sticks out like a sore thumb. Nobody on the Lydian campus asks why there are 5 cars outside the building with men in suits and fucking Hibiki standing there with them why are these children so fucking incurious.

“this feels like the world’s most important weed delivery, but im going to deliver the SHIT out of that weed”

“hibiki please its not weed”

“ALRIGHT FAM LETS DELIVER THE SHIT OUT OF THIS WEED”

Big thick black cars surround Ryoko’s tiny vehicle as they all drive in unison to the drop point.

No fucking around here. The weed must be delivered.

The weed? Secured as shit.

“its not fucking weed it’s a goddamned french sword okay god”

“ROAD’S LOOKIN’ A-OKAY FOR OUR WEEEED DRIIIIIIVE”

PSYCHE, NO IT AINT. ROAD’S CRACKING UP HARD. COMES APART, CAR FUCKING EXPLODES!

“oh my god we seriously arent fucking around here those guys are fucking dead”

“bruh you never delivered weed before? that shit happens all the time”

“anyway grab on to something ‘cause we’re gonna initial d this shit”

“i thought we were delivering WEED not SUSHI”

“WEED... SUSHI... IT’S ALL FUCKING METAPHORS, HIBIKI. AND WE’RE GONNA DELIVER EM!”

“now ORDER UP, MOTHERFUCKER”

Every car is destroyed.

Ryoko flips the car like nobody’s business.

“ryoko! the kansai drift was too strong!”

“your delivery’s late, pal. that’s gonna have to come out of your tip.”

“jokes on you! you already paid the tip beforehand online!”

“oh, we’re going with pizza jokes now? is that what we’re doing? yeah, sure, whatever”

Unfortunately, Chris ordered her pizza with meat, extra crispy.

“FUCK, i cant see anything. now i don’t know if they have the weed- i mean, the sushi- er, the pizza- god i hate all these JOKES”

RYOKO SUMMONS A FUCKING SHIELD OUTTA NOWHERE WHILE HIBIKI’S KNOCKED OUT COLD

“yo hol’ up a moment did this pervert manage to summon a shield”

“are- are you able to fight the noise? are you fucking kidding me? this entire time when literal children were fighting these battles, you literally could have fought back effectively? are we but mere playthings to you? is this really the bullshit im seeing?”

“uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i can only make shields. piss shields, out of piss”

“that is absolute fucking bullshit”

“but i believe it.”

Hibiki has primed her fists and is about to show how much she’s improved combat wise, which is actually a lot.

Nevermind, she tripped again. Turns out, Symphogears fight in heels constantly, which is absolutely fucking horrifying. Hibiki realizes this, and then

FUCKING BREAKS THE HEELS LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS.

AND THEN SHE WRECKS SHOP WITHOUT BREAKING A GODDAMN SWEAT

“oh shit how the fuck did she improve this quickly”

The suitcase where the sword is stored opens up. That means it’s activating.

Immediate fear.

“alright bruce lee you mightve mastered a thousand kicks but you better change your gameplan because im about to realign that pretty little face of yours”

“thank god you kicked me. needed you to get closer so i could kick your ass, after all”

The fucking suitcase, I shit you not, pops open immediately with the sword flipping to the sky like a bad Gmod toy as it suddenly stays floating, perfectly still.

“ive officially lost track on what the hell is happening”

The sword just floats there, as a sword does.

“you know how many fried turkeys i can cut open with that bad boy? that shits mine now.”

Chris goes to get it.

“fuck you! im going to slice HONEYBAKED HAMS with that sword!”

Hibiki intercepts it and takes the sword.

Now Hibiki becomes a proud Stand owner, having acquired the power of The World and stopping time at will.

“oooooh holy shit”

Hibiki, now channeling the power of Durandal, feels the raw strength of a completed relic all through her body.

Real spicy stuff running through her veins.

The power unleashing itself into a raw stream of piss skyrocketing into the stratosphere.

“the pizza has been delivered... all according to plan...”

“...she was right. honeybaked ham was the superior meat to slice...”

Hibiki is channeling a power source so ancient, so powerful, that through using her as a conduit, the sword actually finishes itself into its full, completed form.

Holy shit, Hibiki.

Goddamn. That’s a really sexy sword, actually! Pretty nice...

...oh.

You’re not looking so hot, pal...

“why is it that every opponent of mine can literally asspull all this garbage and im stuck here looking like a bad kamen rider villian getting my ass kicked every time. its not fair.”

Ryoko looks extremely hyped for this event. Maybe a little too much so.

“MAN FUCK THIS NONSENSE IM PUTTING AN END TO THE SUPER SENTAI POWERUP”

“O-OH FUCK- uh, i didnt say that. totally swear. you uh, keep doing that. yeah. aha.”

“SLICED...”

“...HONEYBAKED...”

“oh god. oh god. im sorry. im sorry. im so sorry. oh fuck im so sorry. honeybaked ham is better. fuck turkeys. fuck drumlegs. fuck any sort of fried meat. honeybaked ham is better please im begging you dont vore me or slice me in half IM BEGGING YOU OH GOD”

“...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!”

“ham..... mmmmm... honeybaked ham....”

“WHO YELLED ABOUT HAM? god, im hungry now.”

Hibiki wakes up from it all after passing out, expressing a power of magnitudes unheard of, as if it were all a bad dream.

“YEAH THATS RIGHT WE HAD TO DELIVER THE WEED PIZZA AND I WANTED HAM AND- THE SWORD, YEAH! THE SWORD!”

To her disappointment, amongst this wanton destruction, no ham was found. Ryoko clues her in that Hibiki just single handedly completed a relic, and though the entire place is a mess, the mission wasn’t a complete failure. They’ll just have to return the relic back to base, now the entire location is, conveniently, destroyed.

“yeah yeah. the weed made it. the sushi made it. the pizza made it. what didnt we deliver today?”

“...”

“singing really does make you hungry, huh?”

[savedfromsalvation]

CHRISTIAN CANNIBALS

An argument of why Christians are cannibals (and possibly vampires) from Christianity's own perspective

by Jim Walker (an ex-cannibal)

Originated: 07 January 2003Additions: 10 July 2006

How many Christians realize that when they eat that wafer and drink the wine during communion service that they, in effect, practice cannibalism by the partaking in the eating of human flesh and blood?

I certainly did not know that when I underwent communion in my religious days. It sounds so innocent and benign; "Communion" imparts the concept of sharing thoughts and feelings, or so I thought. Oh how the priests fooled me. They used other obscure terms too, like "Eucharist" and "Sacrament of the Last Supper." At no time did a priest or deacon explain to me that I would share in the communal eating of the human flesh and blood of Jesus.

Cannibal: A person who eats the flesh of human beings.

Since Jesus represents an actual human being, and I ate him, that made me a cannibal. And if you have ever undergone communion, then you too fall into that category.

The Church tricked me and turned me into a cannibal!

Not only did I drink blood and eat flesh, but they made me do it in front of a statue of a bloody corpse hanging by nails on two pieces of lumber, a representation of the human whom I had just eaten. (Imagine eating a hamburger in front of an image of a freshly slain cow.)

The Church indoctrinates cannibalism at an early age. Here we have a priest putting pieces of raw human flesh into the mouths of children.

While Popes and priests visit foreign countries, they also make sure to spread their cannibalism.

Did this priest tell this child that she would eat human meat before putting a slice of it into her mouth?

When I discovered the shocking realization that I had eaten human flesh, and drank human blood I felt like vomiting. Where in the world did this morbid practice begin, I wondered. I reread the Bible for clues. Could that explain the mystery of the empty tomb of Jesus (Luke 24:3)? Did the disciples eat him?

Several Christians tried to console me by explaining that Communion only represents the symbolic eating of flesh, not the real thing (I later discovered that many Protestant Christians don't believe in the literal eating of Jesus, although some do). I felt relieved for awhile until other Christians told me otherwise (virtually all Catholics and Episcopalians believe in the literal interpretation). I began to do a bit of research for myself from the Catholic Church's own position. My stomach began to churn again as I discovered what communion and the Eucharist really means.

Communion

Communion, or "Holy Communion" as the Church officially calls it, means the actual reception of the Sacrament of the Eucharist. As the Catholic Encyclopedia puts it, "For real reception of the Blessed Eucharist it is required that the sacred species be received into the stomach. For this alone is the eating referred to by our Lord (John 6:58)."

So you can't just put it in your mouth and spit it out. Oh no. You have to make sure you swallow it into your stomach!

I looked up the Biblical chapter in John 6 and found this diabolical revelation:

Then Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. (John 6:53-55)

Egads, I thought. Jesus really wants them to EAT HIM! It would make perfect sense if the disciples did eat his dead corpse. Of course you wouldn't want to admit your cannibalism to the unbelievers and you'd have to explain the missing body to the authorities. You might say something like, "He is not here, but is risen..." (Luke 24:6). Yeah, right, that's the ticket.

If the disciples did eat Christ, it may have looked something like this.

Eucharist

Eucharist describes the name given to the "Blessed Sacrament of the Altar," (older religions also used blood sacrifices to an altar. Some used virgin humans, bulls, lambs, etc.). The Christians use it to mean an actual sacrifice by Jesus where they truly believe the bread and wine turns into the actual corporal flesh and blood of Jesus Christ. Christians also use other titles such as, "Table of the Lord" (Mensa Domini) or the morbid term, "Lord's Body" (Corpus Domini).

From the Catholic Church and as far back as the pronouncement from the Council of Trent, the quintessence of the Eucharist means that "the Body and Blood of the God-man ARE truly, really, and substantially present."

Here we have a community of Christians lining up to eat and swallow the uncooked flesh of Jesus in what Christianity calls the "Blessed sacrament of the Altar" or better known as the 'Eucharist' during a ceremony of communion. Looks innocent, doesn't it? Not at all the image of cannibalism as usually depicted in folklore.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (1992), stresses the centrality of the Eucharist to Catholic life:

The Eucharist is 'the source and summit of the Christian life.' The other sacraments, and indeed all ecclesiastical ministries and works of the apostolate, are bound up with the Eucharist and are oriented toward it. For in the Eucharist is contained the whole spiritual good of the Church, namely Christ himself, or Pasch.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, No. 1324

So if you practice Catholicism, and wish to remain a Catholic, you must honor the connubiality of the Eucharist. Not only does it mean eating the flesh and blood of Christ as a sacrifice, it means a union with the gore:

In the Eucharist the sacrifice of Christ becomes also the sacrifice of the members of his Body. The lives of the faithful, their praise, sufferings, prayer, and work, are united with those of Christ and with his total offering, and so acquire a new value. Christ's sacrifice present on the altar makes it possible for all generations of Christians to be untied with his offering.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, No. 1368

Moreover, you must never deny the priesthoods power of consecrating the flesh and blood:

If any one shall say that in the New Testament there is no visible and external priesthood nor any power of consecrating and offering the Body and Blood of the Lord, as well as of remitting and retaining sins, but merely the office and bare ministry of preaching the Gospel, let him be anathema.

Council of Trent, No. 961

Note: anathema means cursed, a malediction on your soul.

So how does bread and wine turn into actual flesh, you may ask? The Christians believe it comes from the concept of transubstantiation.

Transubstantiation

According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, Hildebert of Tours (~1079) probably first used the term transubstantiation and the Church later adopted the practice in the Fourth Council of the Lateran (1215) and the Council of Lyons (1274), and finally, the Council of Trent (1545-1563).

Transubstantiation basically means, the transition or conversion of one thing into another in some aspect of being. Turning water into wine gives one example of transubstantiation, and turning bread into flesh and wine into blood gives another. Transubstantiation, however, doesn't just describe a simple conversion of one thing into another but a substantial conversion (conversio substantialis). Transubstantiation differs from every other substantial conversion in this, that only the substance gets converted into another.

[Advice to the Church: Before converting the wine into blood, why not also transubstantiate water into wine? No need for expensive grape orchards, harvesting, or processing because Jesus would do the entire conversion for you for free. That way, you could give (or better yet, sell) bottles of wine to your congregations (you could call it "Jesus Juice"). You could establish Catholic wineries around the world! Just imagine the new converts you would get and, oh how your coffer cups would overflow. Just a thought.]

In the Eucharist, two extremes of conversions occur, namely the bread and wine as the terminus a quo, and the Body and Blood of Christ as the terminus ad quem (before and after). In other words, the substance of the bread and wine departs in order to make room for the Body and Blood of Christ.

Transubstantiation, as a conversion of the total substance, is the transition of the entire substance of the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ, comes as the express doctrine of the Church (Council of Trent, Sess. XIII, can. ii).

This theophagy (god eating) of course did not come first from the Catholics but had occurred throughout pagan religions long before Christianity. The notion that eating another living human being lies at the belief of absorbing his nature into his own, thus becoming, in some sense, more godlike, similar to the even more primitive belief that eating one's enemies makes one more powerful.

No true Christian should doubt it. Eating that wafer and drinking the wine in Church actually means truly and really eating human meat and blood. In fact, it's the entire body: eyes, brains, gall bladder, spleen, rectum, penis, testicles, etc. Everything. If you've ever watched the TV program, Fear Factor, that's nothing compared with eating the components of an entire human body. According to the Council of Trent, if you deny the Transubstantiation, then you are accursed (anathema). You will also get to spend eternity in hell.

Bon appetit!

For the full reading of this official Church doctrine from the Council of Trent, click here.

How does transubstantiation work?

So how does transubstantiation actually work; what process does the Church use to transform bread and wine into human flesh and blood (and guts, etc.)? Apparently this remains a deep Church secret. However, we do know that the priests make verbal incantations, pass smoking incense about, and pray a lot during a rite they call "Offertory" (Offertorium). Apparently the actual transformation occurs during the Prayer of Consecration, by which the bread and wine cease to be bread and wine, and are converted into the flesh and blood of Christ. At just what miraculous moment during the prayer it turns into human flesh, I haven't a clue and I suspect the priests don't either. Apparently Jesus does the actual conversion, but I haven't discovered the method of how the priests know when this occurs or what test procedures they use to insure that Jesus made the transubstantiation (what if Jesus got lazy that day or just decided, enough is enough?).

In any case, by the time the priest places the wafer into your mouth, you can rest assured that you are actually eating Christ's meat. (It tastes like chicken.)

We do know that an industry exists to make the bread and wine. For example, S&M (I kid you not) stands as one of the companies that make official communion bread for the Church:

If you don't know what S&M means, in colloquial terms it stands for sadomasochism or the practice of sadism (sadistic) and masochism (subjecting oneself to abuse or physical pain).

Now I doubt that this company's name means or intends a connection with sadomasochism, but it seems an appropriate term if you consider what the eating of human flesh means to the recipient or the giver of one's own flesh. I cannot think of another word than sadomasochism to better describe the act of consciously eating the flesh of a human from another person (a sadistic act) who willingly gives them their flesh and blood to eat (an extreme masochist act).

Frankwright Mundy & Co. Ltd. sells communical sets. They even offer briefcases and shoulder bags for carrying around the flesh and blood of Jesus. What next, I wondered; will they one day build fast food outlets where a Christian can get Jesus meat anytime of day? McJesus? Christ-In-A-Box?

Vampirism

Not only did I eat human flesh in my communion sacraments, but I also drank the "actual" blood of Jesus. Doesn't this make me a vampire also? Although vampires supposedly suck blood instead of drinking it, this seems an insignificant distinction. On the contrary, the drinking and the whole swallowing of blood as opposed to sucking seems to me a bit more bloodthirsty if you ask me.

If you consider the folklore surrounding vampire stories and compare them with the beliefs of Christianity, the claims appear similar. Vampire myths (see Dracula) and Christianity both believe that by drinking human blood, you will live forever. Actually Christianity goes one step further by requiring the eating of human flesh along with the blood (John 6:53-55). And of course you're also eating the penis of Jesus (does that make one gay, I wonder?) and the small and large intestines of Jesus, and the bladder of Jesus, etc. Only by this cannibalistic act can you achieve "eternal life."

Consider also that vampirism and their drinking of blood and immortality represent fiction, whereas Christians actually believe their communal drinking of blood and eating of Jesus' corpse will earn them eternal life. Doesn't this, at the very least, put Christian vampirism in a more deleterious light than fictional vampirism?

Note that the actual Dracula (not the fictional one) lived as a Christian. Click here for more information. No doubt the real Dracula thoroughly enjoyed his communal ingesting of human blood.

Addiction?

Now I don't know why just one eating of flesh and drinking of blood won't get you to heaven, but I've yet to get a good explanation of why Christians need to eat flesh and blood every week. This continual practice of ritual cannibalism and vampirism brings up even more pressing questions about this gruesome practice. Does the act of communion lead to habitual use or an addictive need for more flesh and blood? Consider that Christians have done more to promote bloody wars throughout history than any other group, and their insistence on evangelizing every human on earth to their faith, should non-believers fear that the Christians might turn them into human flesh eaters too?

(

Click to enlarge

)They start this addiction at the earliest possible age. For the first communion, they actually give a reward for remembering their first cannibalistic act, usually in the form of a certificate. (You'd think the promise of everlasting life would serve as enough reward.) Note that nowhere in the certificate does it say that you've just eaten the human meat of Jesus.

Here we have a Christian boy eagerly awaiting his fix of Jesus' flesh. (Note the extra large portion.)

Christian Cannibalism and vampirism continues into elderly life.How many glasses of Christ's blood has this woman drank over the years?

Another concern involves the length of time of transubstantiated bread and wine. Just how long does this conversion last? We now know that you must swallow it for its effect to work, but at what stage does it turn back into naturally digested bread and wine? Does it remain transubstantiated even after digestion? Does it ever reconvert? If not, consider what this means as we move our bowels. Should we not treat the remains of Christ as sacred, just as we do the remains of the bodies of dead saints? Perhaps we might consider a better form of elimination of the excrement made from our Redeemer than just thoughtlessly flushing Him down the toilet.

I find the practice of sacred cannibalism disturbing and potentially life threatening, regardless of how many of the addicted faithful tell us it will give us everlasting life. I humbly make the following proposal: that the FDA and the CDC get involved in the study of the composition of the Transubstantiated bread and wine and the narcotic or addictive effects they may impose on the human body.

I hope that I have alarmed you enough to contact your local law enforcement office and state representative about this pressing matter. If you and I don't do it, who will?

Conclusion

Even if you still stubbornly cling to the belief that the Eucharist represents only a symbol of eating flesh and drinking blood, that still makes you a cannibal, if only a symbolic cannibal. If you partake in communion as a metaphorical representation of eating Christ's body, then that still makes you a metaphorical cannibal. You simply have no easy out of this predicament as a symbolic cannibal sits as a subset of cannibalism.

You might also want to question the metaphorical or symbolic stance because if the Eucharist presents metaphor, then what does that say for Jesus himself and what Jesus directly says from the Bible about eating his meat? Metaphorical also? How do you distinguish between metaphor and reality in the Bible when it treats all doctrines equally as the inspired words of God? Would you object to the title of Symbolic Christian or Metaphorical Christian? If you consider yourself a metaphorical or symbolic Christian, then you still fall under the label of Christian just as a symbolic cannibal falls under the label of cannibal.There simply exists no way out for a Christian to escape the cannibal label, except of course to exit Christianity entirely. I did just that and by doing so, I escaped cannibalism along with all the other nonsense. I wrote this article as satire but if you live as one of the millions of faithful that believe in the Bible and the doctrines of Christianity then you must take this article as a serious argument.

Sources:

Catholic Encyclopedia

Holy Communion

The Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist

Offertory Rite The Council of Trent The Thirteenth Session

[wildlingknight]

So like I wrote this stuff down around September 2017 with the intention to write a fic about it (I might still do that when I have more time) but it’s just sitting and festering in my drive so I’ll put it here for now and build on it when uni is done. It’s a super long post but I did put a cut in.

There’s a whole bunch of mind vomit stuff here:

 I was talking to my discord group about things that could have been added to Botw because I’d gotten to a point in the game when I’d done mostly everything and was just putting off facing Ganon because I didn’t want it to end. So I came up with gods and spirits that you might meet in random places and sometimes they have quests for you or something. Taken directly from the server:

“This isn't really a hc more a random idea but what if there were time specific places on the map in botw? Like I just found  place on the side of death mountain called shadow hamlet ruins, what if you go there and it's just some ruined houses with a meteor wizzrobe in any other time but on the night of a new moon there's like creepy shadows that kinda come out of the wood work and shadows of the ruins and they don't exactly attack you but make you super uneasy and circle you a bit and it's like the people who lived and died there as a result of the calamity, like we know it corrupts the living but what if it doesn't let the dead rest either?

Like there are places all over hyrule that are just places until you visit them on a specific night or day or when certain parameters are met and you have a unique little event happen like a person you wouldn't meet any other time with items you can only get from them or maybe the dragons rest somewhere and you can just stumble across them, or more spirits and godlike beings who you wouldn't come across any other time apart from this one random spit of woodland halfway up the dueling peaks on a night where it's raining you come across an ethereal glowing woman or something who watches over the plants and mushrooms like glow like her, and you can't really interact with them because we are insignificant to them, they are so indifferent to us with our mortal comings and goings that the most we can hope for is a glimpse of them, just to make the world feel even more alive than it already does

I think Link is more aware of them because he is goddess chosen, goddess touched, and he's a gentle and pure soul who they in turn are drawn to, I like that he has a connection to them through having being dead but I personally like to think they're a bit afraid of him, he was brought back through science like magic without the godesses interference or hands, that shouldn't happen he died and by all means should have stayed dead but here he is, wandering hyrule saving people and dragons and riding gods across plains and placating giant mechanical creatures that will only listen to him, in their eyes he's a fucking monster or demon

And they know you don't piss off a demon who denied death so they're cautious but curious in equal measure”

And then neatened up and made less mind vomity:

Ruins

On specific nights- different for each ruin- the ghosts of the people who lived and died there during the calamity come out on the night they were wiped out. Different for each place depending on how close they were to castle and what the actual cause was, e.g. castle town would have been hit first and hardest by the Calamity itself so that would get spooky on the night of Zelda’s birthday every year. If they are fairly far away from the castle e.g. Shadow Hamlet ruins on the far side of Death Mountain, it would be a different night and they would feel different due to the nature of their deaths, such as being wiped out by monsters fuelled and powered by the Calamity. They don’t attack but most travellers accidentally come across them and fear for their lives saying ruins are haunted at night so they try to avoid them, preferring to go to living villages or taking their chances with monsters out on the roads or in the woods. When Link (and later Zelda) enter the ruins on the specific night they act up the spirits hiss and circle him and lament their passing in groans and wails but they do not come close because he is light and they cannot touch him. He died for them and Zelda cried for them, they are Goddess chosen and Goddess touched.

Lesser Gods and Spirits

Found all over Hyrule, again during different specific times when certain parameters are met.

A lesser Goddess who watches over plants and mushrooms that glow with the same ethereal light as her- can only be found where they grow in abundance, like the pillar in Kakariko on a rainy night during a new moon, and also conversing with Cotera the great fairy there.

A giant stag with two faces who watches over the life and death of animals, seen all over Hyrule as long as there’s a moon showing, so not on cloudy nights. Eyes like miniature galaxies and coat the colour of moss, fur appears to be made of grass and hooves of wood and several times the amount of antlers normal deer have that are white like bleached bone and strung with what looks to be pearls.

A woman with long black hair, horns like a Lynels and the face of a wolf who’s snout ends turned up like a Moblin’s, with three eyes that constantly glow like the reflection of a cats at night and who’s mouth doesn’t move when she speaks in a growl and smoke and sparks emits from her open mouth over her lolling black tongue- the Mother of Monsters and she hates Link.She doesn’t attack him when he meets her but she is unkind to him and she growls and snarls at him, threatening to curse him and his children’s children for as many of hers he has killed. Found in Akkala in Rok woods and Tempest Gulch most commonly but also occasionally other places, can take the form of a monstrous wolf when the need to escape arises.

A child made of water that swims with the fish, watches over everything that lives and breathes in water. The Zora refer to them as ‘The Child of Nayru’, and offer to them to keep the fish they eat good and plentiful. Seen by Link on the banks of the Rutala river when he stops for a drink after tackling the Rucco Maag shrine. Ripples like water constantly so it’s difficult to pin down specific features or gender, and voice is almost gurgling sounding

A giant scarab beetle, white and iridescent, often seen in the desert around Dragon’s exile and known to Tera, the great fairy at the Gerudo Great Skeleton, the god of all insects. (There’s a joke going round Hyrule that Beedle is the god of all insects.)

The spirits that are just going about their work are cautious but curious about Link. Usually they are indifferent to mortals, their everyday motions and wants insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The Calamity was a tragedy, but nature still goes on so they can’t afford to abandon their work.

Link and Zelda

The Gods are frightened of them. Link died and should be subject to the laws of all living things but here he stands, blemished but alive, and yet it was not the Goddesses who chose this, it was without their aid, a magic forged by man. Instead he wanders, alive and well, helping who he can, man and spirit alike, Dragons take notice of him, Gods allow his burden upon their backs, abominable machines who listen to only him, at his command. And Zelda isn’t dead either, they should be dead, they had their time, had their chance. They carry too much light within them it hurts the spirit’s and god’s eyes to look upon them.

Once while I was playing with my friend we were talking about the koroks and I came up with a hc on how they’re born I guess:

“Maybe they're branches that fall off the deku tree when they start to rot because hes old as balls so I bet he loses branches like old men lose hair and then because of like forest magical bullshit they become the new children of the forest and they grow up to be like Hestu and it takes thousands of years for them to reach like 'maturity' but when it's time for the deku tree to die one of the korok will take his place but all those who grow to maturity before he dies go out into the lost woods and set up root and become the ogre trees”

And then because I like to hurt them while they’re all sleeping:

“I'll just leave this here for when y'all wake up, what if the reason Wild likes to eat so much is because he is trying to fill the void of loneliness left behind after his friends in the army start treating him differently after he becomes the chosen one and because of Zelda's initial dislike of him then after he wakes up from the shrine of resurrection he doesn't know why he's so hungry all the time until after he starts remembering zelda and then realises he's doing the same thing, trying to fill the void left in him after losing everyone he loved and half his memories and having to wait until he's strong enough to see Zelda again”

Enjoy!

[fox-and-benedict]

[Fanfic, 100% Orange Juice] Free Lunch

Series: 100% Orange Juice / QPverse Words: 1705 Characters: Aru, Krilalaris, QP, Syura Originally posted: February 13, 2017 (blogspot version) A/N: Apparently this was a joke Valentine’s story. I basically forgot all about it.

Even in a world full of mythical beasts and godlike battle-maidens who could strike down the unworthy with only a few sparse clusters of glittering bullets, there was one rarity greater than any other: the legendary 'free lunch'. Aru knew this. She knew that other, less savoury things often masqueraded as free lunches to trap the unwary, like a mimic assuming the form of a treasure chest before it gobbled down a greedy adventurer. But then bunny in red was, well, in the red, and a lunch she didn't have to pay for in cold, hard cash might be worth the price extracted. “So, Aru,” Syura began, assuming her businesslike smirk. “I assume you want to know why I invited you for lunch today.” “I want you to tell me what you want so I can refuse outright before we start negotiations,” Aru replied grumpily. “That's why I like you, Aru. You always cut straight to the chase. Oh, Krila, if you're hungry you can eat the rolls.” Krila, although bemused at being summoned by a girl she rarely interacted with, needed no encouragement. The lady in black was also, perenially, in the red. Cleared of any obstacles to her moral dubiousness, Syura adopted her most businesslike voice, which was not particularly businesslike at all. “What I want in exchange for this lunch is very simple. From you, Aru, I want information. Specifically, how far you've gotten with QP. And Krila... well, I don't actually know what I want. I felt sorry for you, I guess. Just try to act like a normal person long enough to gossip with me about my best friend's love life, and we'll call it square.” Krila nodded vigorously. “I shall make the attempt, but I warn thee, the mantle of banality may be too great for my dark soul to –” “I'll take it. Aru, you can start.” Aru glowered, and tapped her index finger against the pristine white tablecloth. “The answer is nil. We're friends. We were hungry at the same time and place. We ate lunch together. She paid. The end.” The waiter arrived, brandishing breadsticks and condiments. Krila seized upon them with a force that might well have been demonic. Aru had never before seen a girl consume an entire breadstick without chewing, but she was pretty sure it broke public indecency laws. Aru and Syura looked at each other. “Krila,” Aru said quietly, “Has anybody ever told you that you should consider performing at birthday parties?” “With the right audience, I think we – I mean, you – could make a lot of money,” Syura added. “Of course!” Krila said, squeezing her doll close to her chest. “I have performed my Dark Shadow Boundary Dance on numerous occasions. All I require is a sacrifice of tiny sausages and chunks of cheese, impaled on the same length of unholy wood.” Aru decided that Krila was an utterly innocent babe and, as a gesture of mercy, decided to omit certain words in the last sentence from her memory. After a moment of bemused silence, Syura returned to the point at hand. “But you went for lunch together! There was a time, a date, two pretty women that I most definitely don't feel attracted to on any level. There must be details, and they have to have been scandalous. All details are.” Aru looked around the crowded restaurant, at the linens and the candlesticks and the happily besotted couples surrounding their table, and began to worry about a number of things. Her stomach, however, continued to growl, and she settled for just appraising the nearest convenient escape route rather than fleeing immediately. “What am I supposed to say?” she asked, holding her palms up. “The food was good. The company was good. We talked about socks. She has radical opinions on socks that I don't necessarily agree with and wouldn't want to repeat around innocent children.” She broke off to look meaningfully at Krila, before continuing. “I don't really know what details you expect me to have, or how they could be anything interesting.”Syura heaved a deep, indulgent sigh, like a teacher about to bestow a valuable lesson upon a wide-eyed schoolchild. “Well, there's the question of what restaurant it was, and who picked it. Remember before you answer that I'm buying you lunch.” Aru groaned. There was the leverage she had been expecting. If Syura decided she didn't want to pay, Aru didn't have the funds to cover it. She'd have to dine and dash, and as an upstanding citizen and as a business owner who understood the true weight of the transgression, she couldn't allow herself to do it. Her hands were tied. But, she thought, there was a way out. If she simply ate as many complementary breadsticks as she could, she could leave before the meal was served and still not be a bad person. It was a risk, since if she ate too many breadsticks and stayed she would ruin the value proposition of the meal by not being hungry, but it was a gamble she was willing to take. “We went to that little tavern place by the market. The one where you sit on barrels instead of chairs. QP suggested it,” she answered at last, trying to sound as defeated as possible. If she seemed like she'd lost, she could maybe get away with being sparse with the details and Syura would assume there was nothing else to tell. She quietly stuffed a breadstick into her mouth. Krila's eyes widened. “Oho! I happen to know that those barrels are in fact casks of dark essence, in which swim the Serpents of the Braided Venom Willows. You have my respect for surviving such a trial, as does the Holy Beast Maiden.” “Krila, I don't know what you just said. I just heard a string of nouns,” Syura said cheerfully. “But what I do know is that that place is super romantic.” Aru looked at the candlelit dinners being dispensed around them, and wondered if, like the average videogame character, Syura just didn't have the equip slots necessary for a sense of irony. “What did you eat?” “I had braised vegetables. She had steak.” Aru ate another breadstick. “Ugh. That's so unfair. She should be, like, a ball of dough by now. You get meat, or you get sweets, one or the other. And if you get both, you get fat,” Syura groused. Krila, upon hearing sweets and steak being discussed in the same sentence, began to drool. “Did she try and make out with you?” With the most absolute calm, Aru picked up her glass of water, took a hearty swig, and immediately sprayed it back out. “Such commitment!” Krila murmured. “I guess it's true what they say. A true artist makes their own opportunities rather than waiting for opportunities to show up,” Syura nodded. Aru, having achieved the required dramatic effect, set her glower to stun. “Don't you think that question skipped a few steps? You could have asked if we held hands, or gazed deeply into each other's eyes, or anything, but you went straight to making out?” Syura shrugged. “Go big or go home.” “I agree! What would you rather face, Rabbit of Crimson Moons: a dragon, or a really big dragon?” Krila asked. “Right now I'd rather go home. I've had enough breadsticks to make this worth my time,” Aru said, standing up. Syura's mouth hung open in a little gasp as she leapt to several conclusions, all of them wrong. “She did, didn't she? Did she have dog breath? I bet she had dog breath. You should carry some mints around in case she tries to kiss you. I know I do.” Aru groaned, attracting suspicious looks from any number of surrounding lovebirds. “That is, in order, wrong, probably wrong, and really weird. I'm leaving.” “Waitwaitwaitwait!” Syura gasped, lunging over the table and catching hold of Aru's sleeve. The candle wobbled precariously and would have toppled, but for the timely intervention of Krila. With a speed and clarity that she had clearly purloined from a ninja, she shot out a hand and seized the candlestick. Unfortunately, she squandered any kudos from her endeavour by suddenly realising that not so very far from a sword, and immediately attempting to wield it in the name of the forces of darkness. “Aru, I'm sorry. Listen, I probably pushed you too far, but... I just wanted to do the romantic gossip thing, like in all the VNs I read. I never get the chance to, because my best friend is QP and she's totally like a dense RPG protagonist when it comes to romance.” “I agree with you there. She's like a dwarf star. You just can't avoid getting caught in her gravitational field.” The two looked at each other and, for a moment, smiled. Krila stole a candlestick from another table and began dual wielding, finally living her lifelong dream of leveling in the rogue class, so that one day she could prestige into an assassin. For a brief moment, the world was at peace. The chef, having heard the commotion, marched out of the kitchen with her kitchen knives in hand; Aru recognised her as Natsumi, and briefly marvelled at how small the world was. The knives began to fly, and the world returned to the natural order of things. *** “Hi, Aru! I came again today. Hey, what happened to your face?” QP, her face full of concern, pointed at the band-aid on Aru's cheek. The bunny winced, and searched for an excuse that didn't involve being violently ejected from a restaurant with two weirdos. “I cut myself shaving,” she said, studiously looking in any direction apart from QP's. “You shave?” QP asked, blinking. “My legs, yes.” QP's brain worked for a moment, before filing the anomaly under 'too much effort' and continuing on the path of the conversation she had planned on having. Aru noticed her fiddling with the hem of her dress, and felt her own heart sink. “Sooooo, um, I don't know if you know this, but there's a rumour going around that you and Syura were eating together at a romantic restaurant, and I just wondered...”

[lefthanded-sans]

Am I the only one that feels sad when Asgore says that he misses his son? I mean, not because he's talking about Asriel, but because he's ONLY talking about Asriel. I don't know, that just feels like a crude disregard for Chara. He never mentions missing his other child as far as I remember. I know Chara was adopted, but wow, they were still his child. Just hurts me that he talks about his son but never even mentions them.

I just want to see my wife. I just want to see my child.

It truly is an interesting and poignant line, isn’t it? Asgore mentions missing his wife and one kid, rather than both Asriel and Chara. Since Asgore is talking earlier about the death of his son Asriel, it almost seems as though he’s skipping out on Chara, which would be sad indeed!

That said, I don’t believe that this line suggests that Asgore loved Chara any less than Asriel, or thinks any less about Chara than Asriel. I think that text within Undertale suggests Asgore loved both kids dearly.

Asgore loving both Asriel and Chara

Other dialogue within Undertale mentions that the Dreemurrs deeply cared about both of their children. As Frisk is walking through New Home, in fact, the monsters state:

Monsters: The King and Queen treated the human child as their own. The underground was full of hope.

While it is true that technically Asgore could treat the human as his own, but not love the child as his own, I doubt that would be the case for Asgore. It seems as though that would contradict Asgore’s personality as we see him act through the rest of the game. Asgore is a character with a great amount of sympathy and acceptance. He treats every monster in the underground with notable kindness. Even after fighting with Frisk and losing the fight, we see that he in fact wants to adopt Frisk and start a happy family:

Asgore: Human… I promise you… For as long as you remain here… My wife and I will take care of you as best we can. We can sit in the living room telling stories… Eating butterscotch pie… We could be like… Like a family…

A hopeful smile comes over Asgore’s features as he says these words.

This quote shows the nature of Asgore’s loving character. Asgore believes that, by adopting Frisk and returning to his old wife, he can return to the happy days he now misses.

So if Asgore believes he can find that amount of happiness in creating a family with adopted Frisk and Toriel, then it seems he would have had happiness with adopted Chara, too, and would have loved the human as he loved Asriel. So I bet that Asgore not only treated the human child as his own, but loved the human child as his own, too.

More evidence for Asgore loving Chara as his own is seen later in New Home, too:

Monsters: The kingdom fell into despair. The king and queen had lost two children in one night. The humans had once again taken everything from us.

This mentions that the king and queen lost two children. Chara is categorized as one of Asgore’s offspring, suggesting that Asgore considered Chara his own child just as much as Asriel. Chara was not a second-class kid, but truly considered one of the Dreemurrs.

Why, then, did Asgore simply mention one child instead of two when he says he misses his wife and kid?

Why Asgore mentions Asriel but not Chara

I think, if we look at the broader context of the quote, it can be explained with good sense.

There are two main texts to look at. The first is the narrative of New Home.

Monsters: The kingdom fell into despair. The king and queen had lost two children in one night. The humans had once again taken everything from us. The king decided it was time to end our suffering. Every human who falls down here must die.

The reason why this is important is that, while both Asriel and Chara died, what is being emphasized is the war between humans and monsters. The war between humans and monsters causes the humans to take everything away from the monsters, leading them into despair. Asgore reacts to the suffering and despair by declaring war on humanity: the humans took his children from him, and so he will kill the humans to free his people and end their suffering.

But the thing is, only Asriel was specifically killed by humans. Chara died from poisoning. As far as we know, Asgore never learned that Chara was poisoning themselves to try to save the monsters. From Asgore’s perspective, Chara died from poisoning and Asriel specifically died at the hands of the humans.

Now let’s go to the present quote when Asgore says he misses his wife and kid. When Asgore talks about his sadness for losing Asriel, this is all in the context of the war between humans and monsters. It makes sense for Asgore to mention Asriel his son specifically when he talks to Frisk… because what Asgore is doing right now is continuing the war with humans. He’s reminded of his son because it was Asriel’s death that was caused by humans, and Asriel’s death that made Asgore decide to fight humans. So now that Asgore is fighting Frisk, a human, he’s going to specifically remember how his son died.

In fact, that’s what Asgore himself says:

Asgore: I remember the day after my son died. The entire underground was devoid of hope. The future had once again been taken from us by the humans.

Even the wording is similar to how the monsters talked about Asriel’s passing in New Home. It mentions the future being taken away from them by the humans, the underground being devoid of hope, and the passing of the king’s son. They’re parallel quotes, almost. This is an intentional harking back to that past event where Asgore decided to wage war with humans… this is Asgore thinking about how that past is leading him to the present, standing before Frisk, in battle.

So I don’t think it’s that Asgore doesn’t miss Chara. I’m sure the Dreemurrs mourned both the passing of their son and their human child. But Asgore is specifically being reminded of Asriel when he’s fighting with Frisk and continuing the war between humans and monsters. Chara isn’t relevant right now because, as far as the king knows, Chara didn’t die from the war between humans and monsters. But Asriel’s death is relevant, so that’s the death that is brought up here in conversation.

Asgore might actually have mentioned both kids in this quote

Last, if we look at Asgore’s complete quote in the scene he says he misses his wife and kid, we can actually find a viable interpretation in which Asgore mentions sorrowful feelings for both Asriel and Chara.

This is the full quote with context about Asgore’s missing family. I am bolding the really important text that I will use to make my point:

Asgore: I remember the day after my son died. The entire underground was devoid of hope. The future had once again been taken from us by the humans. In a fit of anger, I declared war. I said I would destroy any human that came here. I would use their souls to become godlike… …and free us from this terrible prison. Then, I would destroy humanity… And let monsters rule the surface, in peace. Soon, the people’s hopes returned. My wife, however, became disgusted with my actions. She left this place, never to be seen again. Truthfully… I do not want power. I do not want to hurt anyone. I just wanted everyone to have hope… I cannot take this any longer. I just want to see my wife. I just want to see my child.

Even if this quote is just about Asriel, it’s all in the context of what I talked about above: Asgore is hurting specifically about the consequences of his choice to declare war on humans because the humans killed Asriel. But we can also potentially see this quote as Asgore mentioning both of his deceased kids.

First, Asgore mentions the day his son died. So that is a remark about his feeling remorseful about Asriel. Asriel is obviously his son. But his second comment, “I just want to see my wife. I just want to see my child” does not mention a gender for the child. “I just want to see my child” could be a mention of the non-binary human Chara.

It might make sense for Asgore to mention missing his wife and then Chara because, even though Chara is dead, it’s possible that Toriel took Chara’s body with her at the same time she left her husband. Flowey suggests that Toriel took Chara’s body in the Genocide Route:

Flowey: How did you get back to the RUINS from here…? …wait, I know. She must have taken you when she left. And decided to give you a proper burial rather than… Hanging out in the basement forever.

Since Asgore is talking about Toriel leaving him in the quote above, it might make sense for him to say he misses his wife and Chara, whose body was also taken from him at the same time. Asgore cannot see the body of Asriel since that turned to dust, but he could see his living wife and the coffin of his deceased human child.

In which case, Asgore might be saying here he misses both kids!

[refusemyreality-blog]

The Word of the Year

To start this is not a false story. It’s fake. 2017 allows me to repurpose this word. Here’s why I will:

For four years, I’ve been interviewing my sister while she was living and dying with cancer. She died on my birthday 2017. 

She permitted me to write about what we talked about. Ostensibly, I have her husband’s permission. But what she really wanted me to write about was her life so her two children would know her and remember her.

The night she died it became clear I had to limit, maybe even stop, writing publicly about my dying sister and about burying her, unless I wanted to lose members of my family. Writing about trauma and family stuff uncovers all the unhealed soul wounds we carry from growing up. 

So while I was fulfilling promises that I made to her, to bury her and write about her, inasmuch as her husband and kids benefited, it all cracked open.

My birthday weekend, I executed what had started two years earlier. I buried her. That is to say, I carried out her burial plans, which I’d  helped her talk about with all those who thought a natural burial was weird. A few weeks before I’d helped her husband pick a plot and negotiate as a natural a burial as a poor family can afford -- still cheaper than cremation, btw.-- I ordered her plain wood coffin.  My husband and I transported it across state lines the Friday before Halloween. (Drive the speed limit, hubby. The police will never believe this is not a colossal prank.)  I helped obtain and file the death certificate. I orchestrated washing and wrapping and preparing her body. 

I could not have done that alone. I had my husband, her husband, some siblings. We took heat for this burial.  

This is like “Weekend at Bernie’s” dripped off a couple of tongues with a condescending tone. Don’t you get the insult, the para-language inflected. My bro-in-law shrugged it off. He’d just lost his wife. He didn’t need to “baromet” the implied “this is tacky and low-class.” So I took the brunt of it because I was the face of the process. 

Burying someone green and inexpensive is “not natural” by our family’s new upper middle class standards.  It’s not what we do... any more. We clawed our way out of the trailer park. We can pay for someone else to do it. Proper middle class people snot through boxes of tissue and “celebrate life.” We pretend that is an universal, classy approach to death.. Until we all evolve to immolate our bodies and then strap our children with what to do with the ashes. That’s the new middle class way.

It’s hard to admit you grew up trailer trash when now you rub elbows with the hoity-toity classes in the capital, in your company, in your church, at your alma mater or with your administrators. 

“Fake” took on a new meaning in 2017. According to NPR (losing you there, aren’t I? Dead give-away that I’m not a good tumblr.), “fake” now means “I refuse your reality.” 

The lines in most memoirs risk bleeding truth and “fakeness.” Memoirists should aim to true, but anyone can reject that reality.

 I tried writing true this year, but it hurt people I love. They needed to refuse my reality, because, hey, I was writing about our dead sister and how we grew up living trailers, wearing hand-me-downs while eating home-grown or donated food. We have some family secrets and a fundy religious background that is a bit whack-a-do.

But what is truth when it comes to one person’s memory? When Pam Houston (see the book Cowboys Are My Weakness) taught my non-fiction workshop, she defended the deliberate and accidental alteration of details in memoir for the purpose of story telling. My ethical side, which thinks it’s godlike and sits like a ten pound gargoyle on my shoulder, wanted to gnash her up and spit her out.

I want to write the real me, as Mary Karr praises in The Art of  Memoir. But the real me fits this description (that Mary wrote of me, because she is psychic or intuitive though we haven’t met yet.) 

Unless you’re a doubter and a worrier, a nail-biter, an apologizer, a rethinker, then memoir may not be your playpen. 

The conflict between my writing and my disposition leave me with these choices: Quit writing to placate the objections. (This would be to lie about who I am what gives me life.) Write on and piss them off. Or go under a pen name and work this shit out until I have achieved another principles of Karr’s, which is to say I should be curious, exploring my inner mind, my doubts, my failings, interpretations through what happened. This is more about sorting my junk out than dishing on others.

This story is truth from inside my guts: subjective, limited. You’ll get my version vetted by those who know me enough to call my crap if I make stuff up or remember it badly. Sorry for the warped version of fact checking. 

I think it’ll be fair to allow my snarkiness through. On the surface, I’m judgmental and super-righteous. My kids tell me “Yeah, mom, we know, you did all the things right.” What they don’t know, what others don’t remember is that I’m paralyzed at the thought of being judgy, wrong, unkind or a stumbling block. At least, the penitent in me is. Like I said, the superficial, immediate and reactionary me is not. She’s usually riffing on the room and deliberately warps the events with voice to make someone snort their drink through their nose. Later she wonders why she said that and if people think she’s mean.

So, here begins the story of ...