#and edward is super shit at it. the absolute worst.

[camelspit]

dying like a man and drawing the cullens :)

(list of fun little details below the cut)

they all have matching friendship bracelets! (something something the stars on them represent how they sparkle and how abnormal and dangerous they are and thats what brought them together)

jasper and rosalie matching spiky bracelets!!

edwards sweater is loosely based on a painting I vaguely remember him mentioning in midnight sun

emmet and roaslie wedding rings <3

jasper and alice have matching necklaces and braids !!

emmets crocs and edwards sensible loafers.

jasper, alice, and rosalie have matching nailpolish

jasper's eyes are slightly darker than the rest, since he's been in the group the shortest amount of time

silly gold lines in their hair to match the eyes!!

emmett eggs...

little heart in edwards hair because hes a special little loverboy <3

[unpopularvivian]

My Ttte Designs (Toby):

Headcanons:

Shy, gentle, nervous but wise and extremely caring towards others. Is one of Sodor's oldest but finest engines.

Human age is 54 while his actual age is 121.

He and Henrietta are married for 30 years while he and Edward are married for 10 years.

Disrespect one of his loved ones, especially if it's Henrietta, and he'll sent you to your grave.

Has a super close bond with the humans of Sodor and sees them as this one, big, loving family.

Even though he's prone to panic in certain situations, he has the patience of a god and is very good at handling emotional problems. His compassion and empathy makes him very popular with engines and Sudrians.

Loves jazz, romantic music and electro swing.

Is the Harold Hutchins to Gordon's George Beard and they're best friends because I said so. He acts like the heart of the duo while Gordon acts like the brains. These two will do anything from becoming wingmen for each other to trying to figure how to use the internet.

He doesn't have too many people that he hates but if you manage to be one of those people; Then congrats! You're officially one of the worst people to ever live on earth!

Bisexual and transgender (Ftm). Has top surgery and his scars are kinda faded. Scars are double incision and are curved. (I swear, if ya'll are ever drawing him shirtless and you incorrectly draw his top surgery scars, I am going to break into your house and break all of your limbs-)

Street-stupid as fuck and doesn't understand modern society that well.

Has PTSD, depression and separation anxiety. Extremely fast-moving water, great heights and loud sounds all give him shivers down to his spine because they're all part of events that he used to be in. Sometimes, he feels disconnected to the rest of the world and doesn't have any motivation to do anything. And about his separation anxiety? Try separating Henrietta from him and he'll be missing her instantly.

Loves to bake and cook food. Is a god at it. (Unlike Edward-)

Has 4 adopted children: Mavis, Percy, Phillip and Pluto.

I like to imagine that he used to have a stupid long ahoge that he unfortunately lost during his younger years. It hasn't grown back ever since. RIP random ahoge, we'll miss you. 😞

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair-"

PRIVATE HE'S AFRAID OF COCKROACHES!!!!!

(USING SHE/HER AND THE NAME "TABITHA" FOR THE NEXT FEW HEADCANONS. TW: MENTIONS OF DEADNAMING, TRANSPHOBIA, HOMOPHOBIA AND DEATH)

When Tabitha was first built, she was devilish, tomboyish daredevil who took over the quaint little world that she lived in by storm. She had two older brothers who she bonded quickly. Tom, who was the middle child and was fun-loving and Leonard, who was the oldest and acted as the voice of reason and discipline.

In her old tramway that was located nearby on a pretty little coastline, Tabitha met two tramway coaches named Henrietta and Hannah. She got along quite well with Hannah due to their chaotic personalities but butted heads with Henrietta because of her more reserved demeanor. (What Tabitha doesn't know that she's going to get married to Henrietta someday hehehoho)

However, Roger, a very bratty and absolutely shit tram engine bullied the two all lot. (Ya'll probably who I'm talking about) And not only was he spoiled and jerkish, he was also extremely transphobic and homophobic towards Tabitha, often calling her many slurs and derogatory nicknames. But the haughty steam tram would soon meet his end when he was crushed to death. What the others didn't know that things would be way worse....

During a cheerful and calm day, Tabitha was working with her two brothers as usual along with Henrietta. Out of nowhere, a large boom filled the air with terror and doom as an disheveled old man, wearing shattered goggles, was driving a gigantic tank as cannons were blasting everywhere, destroying trucks and houses. Leonard immediately took his then-sister's hand and started sprinting towards the other direction with Tom and Henrietta following in hot pursuit.

Bullets sliced through the smoky air as the screams of dying people and engines filled the atmosphere with dread and hopelessness and just as the crazy old man was about to shoot Tabitha, Tom suddenly went in front of her, surprising the lunatic and causing him to miss and have the bullet hit the ground instead. But, the bullet ended up ricocheting a piece of shrapnel straight towards Tom's face and pierced straight through his eye, killing him instantly.

And went the young tram thought that the worse has been over, a shriek of pain echoed through the sky as Henrietta dragged Tabitha to a safe place. Turns out that Leonard had acid poured on his face by the old driver for refusing to let him kill Tabitha.

The next day was the funeral for Tom and Leonard, the sky was a cloudy grey as rain poured onto the ground like bricks hitting pavement. Nobody make a sound except for the anguished cries of Tabitha for she just lost the people that she loved the most. Ever since, the poor tram hasn't been the same.

(TOBY, IN HIS AWKWARD TRANSITONAL PHASE)

Started using he/him and the name "Tobias" that Leonard give to him. Shortened it to "Toby" because he didn't like being called by his full name.

Wore awkward brown suspenders, a white buttoned up shirt and had shiny black loafers. (Man, he was really wearing the loser fit wasn't he) Later got a fuzzy homemade oak-colored sweater made by Henrietta for him as a gift when he worked on his own little tramway.

Easily scared, very jumpy, frightened and extremely shy toward others. Only communicated in whispers. (Not too unlike to his wimpy CGI persona!)

Was pretty neutral on liking flowers but ended up loving one of them, roses, after Henrietta put one on his head during one of their dates.

You thought that Edward was his bisexual awakening? Ha! Edward was only his bisexual REAWAKENING. His actual first bisexual awakening was when he met a fellow blue lorry whose name was Alec. Unlike the rest of the lorries and trucks that were assholes, Alec was mild-mannered and polite and had a pleasant conversation with Toby, who the latter caught feelings for him. However, because homophobia was at a dangerously high stake during that time, Toby had extreme feelings of internalized homophobia and avoided Alec when ever he could. (Poor him, it looks that Toby couldn't catch a break)

Toby and Henrietta literally got married when Toby tried to propose her but failed horribly, only to find out that Henrietta was also going to propose to him as well.

His bond between his driver and firewoman started to grow since the two were a couple themselves and would give relationship advice to Toby whenever he had trouble with Henrietta.

[ludwigplayingthetrombone]

OFMD fix-it Epilogue

Decided to make an epilogue as a thank you! wanted to try and write some fallout from the reunion. takes place over about a week. tw for blood and stede saying something self harmy. Thank you all again for the incredible response to both parts ;w;

Part one Part two

Stede: Edward! [ed gasps for breath]

Ed: What are you doing? Stede: [screams] cHRIST, Ed, Warn a man! Ed: You don’t get a warning when you’re being a dickhead. Why were you running around and lifting shit

Stede: Settled a crew dispute! I didn’t want to disturb your rest, so I took care of it. Everything’s- oh. Ed: Stede! Stede: I’m fine, really! Ed: Yes, I believe you, man bleeding and drenched in sweat! Stede: I don’t want to just sit on my ass while everyone else busts theirs. Bit of a bad start to co-captaining again, y’ know. Ed: Better than a fuckin’ dead one! You saved their asses, so let them handle it

Ed: Let me handle it Stede: It’s my mess. Why should you? Ed: Thought we agreed we both fucked up. This isn’t about the gash, is it?

Stede: Sitting idle is making me...anxious. I...I have this feeling something bad is going to happen. This all went way too well. I feel like the proverbial shoe is about to drop. Ed: You think you’re the only one feelin’ like that? I’m the reason you’re laid up; what with the stabbing and all. Also, this was ‘went too well‘? Scared to ask what the worst case scenrio was in your depraved little mind. Stede: Truth be told, the stab was for my peace of mind as well. Hopefully as cathartic for you as it was for me. Ed: [horrified silence] Things are... super weird right now, but-... Before shit went sideways, Lucius was telling me about the wonders of self care. Stede: Oh no, I feel fantastic! Absolute bliss, believe me! It’s just...

Stede: But of a novice with this, genuine courtship, let alone the pirate kind! No clue. Plus I didnt facror in the wound-. Perhaps I’m overthinking Ed: hmm Stede: Hard to believe, I know. Ed: If you’re uneasy, I can back off a bit Stede: Not from being with you. The opposite actually. I’m scared I won’t be able to treat you how you truly deserve. If I could shoulder your trauma for even a moment, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d do anything really.

Stede: Sometimes I recall the hurt in your eyes when I first returned, and it forms a pit in my stomach. That’s all. Ed: I’m terrified, Stede. Never thought I’d find something like this. Someone who sees the me I hid for so long. I’m in the same boat as you this time. I’ve never done... all this before either. Feeling ‘n shit

Ed: No plan. Have no idea how this’ll go. It’s exhilarating, amazing, mortifying, sometimes i wanna throw up- I feel FUCKIN’ ALIVE!

Ed: You feel it too, right? Stede: Of course, my GOD, man Ed: Then, you being on this ship is enough, Stede. Knowing you’ll be here to peel me off the ground and put me back together. That’s all I need. And I’ll keep your fancy ass alive everytime you rip open your guts. Stede: Well, that just won’t due for someone of your caliber. Bare minimum really. After all,

Stede: I’d be dead many times over by now without you Ed: Yeah, you would. Ridiculous man. Stede: I think you fancy a ridiculous man

Ed: Yeah, think maybe I do. No one’s ever gonna take him away from me again. Including the lunatic in front of me. FANG! Come fix up captain bonnet. And strap him to a chair so he stays put [stede sighs]

Stede: If you can believe, not my first stint being tied to a chair Lucius: Oh, I believe pretty easy

Stede: Focus, Lucius. I have to nail this rebrand Lucius: I’m sorry, I can’t see anything else you’d be. Maybe grow a mustache? Stede: Now there’s an idea!

Lucius: Yeah, you’d look very dilfy Stede: Dilfy? Ed: Why are you one the floor? Stede: Oh! Welcome back! Needed a change of texture! How’d it go! Ed: Boring. Gave up instantly.

Ed: Crew’s back, go irritate Izzy. Lucius: Perfect. I hate third wheeling you two specifically. Ed: Hey Stede: Well, this is a familiar angle Ed: It’s a good angle! Stede: I concur!

Ed: How’s the stitches? Stede: Ship shape! Ed: Good man. Bummed you missed the raid? Stede: A little bit Ed: You wanna cause some havoc?! Maim some people? Stede: More of perhaps managing the maiming, but yes! Share in the camaraderie!

Ed: Brought you stuff. Stede: Really? [muffled] oh lovely!

Ed: Thought you could build your public closet up again. Whatever you dont want, i’ll throw in the rec pile Stede: This wouuld look beautiful on you. keep this one. Ed: Me? These are for you, nut. Stede: Of course you! Always wanted someone to share this passion with! Even more fun when you acquire fine things together.

Stede: Only made finer by being worn by you. Ed: These are for you too

Stede: [choked noise] I thought looting books wasn’t piratey? Ed: Notice I put them in a bag and didn’t replace. Stede: Some of these are great finds! Impeccable taste as always. Ed: Meant to do that. Totally didnt just throw shit in a bag and run. Just that good

Ed: We gotta fill these shelves again with cool shit. Plus, you gotta read to the crew at night. They really miss it. Been filing complaints for days

Ed: The balls on you to kiss Blackbeard on the cheek. Unheard of! Stede: One could say, balls for days

Ed:See? Left yourself wide open! Could have easily nicked your liver Stede: Was that your real plan all along? Ed: Most coveted liver in the seven seas. Blackbeard has to have it. Stede: You could have just asked

[aruthlessblackthorn]

Twilight and ACOTAR Pipeline

So I had this thought the other night in the shower (where people do the most thinking, ofc) and it occurred to me that ACOTAR is the new Twilight. Let me explain:

In 2008, when Twilight was the shit everyone ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert, anyone who made an ounce of criticism was considered a hater. I remember at the time how intense the drama got between fandoms when they’d start arguing over if Edward was good for Bella, or if Jacob was. There was so much beef that no sensical argument could be made. It’s kind of like how the ACOTAR fandom is now. 

I consider myself an international super spy. I joined an ACOTAR Facebook group a few months ago because I wanted to be nosy (and frankly so my friends and I could make fun of the cringe. It was very cringey) though lately I actually enjoy being a part of the group. Not because I like ACOTAR, but because it’s a repetitive pattern from 2008. The majority of the people in that group cannot have a debate over this series without getting emotionally upset. There is the term ‘Tamlin Apologist,’ which is coined for anyone who makes an argument on Tamlin’s behalf. If you criticize anything Feyre does or Rhysand, you’re considered an idiot. And do not get me started on Nesta. She is a hot topic in that group, and people either love or hate her. Rarely is there an in-between. 

I’m not going to say where I stand on these topics, other than I’ve always watched from the sidelines when these arguments go down. It’s always so intense, and sometimes I see the worst takes imaginable. People go to the ends of the earth to defend their favs who may have committed SA, or refuse to believe that’s what it was. I’ve seen people write about how they were disappointed with Rhysand and his actions in ACOSF, and then a swarm of people start a collective hate train against the original poster. It’s absolutely bizarre. 

In 2020, Twilight had a massive resurgence with the return of smeyer and her releasing Midnight Sun, which is Twilight from Edward’s POV. How I feel about the book doesn’t matter here, (though I will say it was awful. Edward was not painted in a good light) but it kickstarted new conversations, new covers for the original books, and a repurposed joy over watching the series from the beginning. People pulled their Twilight merch down from their attics and re-decorated their rooms. The only difference this time is the maturity. Now we can recognize the problems in the series. Jacob imprinting on a newborn child, Jacob kissing Bella without her consent, Edward manipulating Bella in New Moon and lying to her in Eclipse. Honestly, the first half of Breaking Dawn was just a mess of issues. Not to mention the domestic abuse theory when you look at the whole timeline from Charlie’s POV. And most of all, the cultural appropriation of the Quileute tribe throughout the whole saga. The way the werewolves were depicted as angry brutes (just look at the way Jacob’s personality changes in New Moon. He goes from sweet and gentle to enraged and predatory). 

I say ACOTAR is like Twilight because I believe after its hype has died down, people can look at this series and truly understand the critical flaws of it, even if it is a favorite of theirs. I still love Twilight, but I recognize it has major issues. Smeyer said she is either writing- or plans to write- a book on Jacob and Renesmee. That’s going to be a huge problem if she decides to make them fall in love (because that can always change). I will have issues with that and so will many others. One thing that I already find interesting is that Rhysand is already being criticized because of how SJM wrote him in ACOSF. People are seeing him when he’s not being described from Feyre’s perspective. People are taking issue with romanticizing Rhysand’s toxic behavior. They are drawing the patterns from the first book to the last. I can only hope that down the line these issues aren’t erased, and that they’re still prevalent topics. It is the same how people can criticize Twilight now, while still loving the series. 

I think part of the issue with the ACOTAR fandom now is how attached many are to the books. How they cannot process a criticism without it feeling like a personal attack. No one is attacking you for loving the books. We are freely expressing our thoughts on a book that we didn’t have the same relationship with. Critical thinking and deep analysis is not the same as trashing. 

This was a random rant I felt like dropping because it’s been on my mind for a little while. Wanted to get these ideas out while they’re still fresh. What do you guys think?

(Also, I totally spent time writing this out instead of working on an article for work)

[wiihtigo]

24, 42, and 49 for the last character you were thinking of/searched for

24. Ship(s) that makes you cringe.

dickbabs SWEEEEEEEEEEP

its actually incredible to me that i was completely neutral on barbara and dick as a couple before the current romance arc involving them written by TOM TAYLOR (<-enemy) in the current nightwing run. The thing is that i think theyre cute as a couple but only when theyre batgirl and robin. I think it was like a cute kid crush thing that they grow out of. and even though thats my ideal dick and barbara in birds of prey were pretty cute too (especially with the added comedy of dick gnawing off his arm with jealousy because he thinks ted kord is stealing his girl when in actuality. Um. hes not.)

dickbabs vs dickory is such a stupid ass team jacob vs team edward argument but its becoming increasingly harder not to want to shoot them both with missiles whenever i see them now. and that has to do both with what dc is doing to my girl barbara and also tom taylors writing right now is obviously him trying to own the haters and its so embarrassing and cringe. which is sad bcuz oracle and nightwing are two of my absolute favorite gotham heroes (well bludhaven for dick. yknow what i mean)

42. What’s a fandom trope you hate?

i resent bea being reduced to boosters sassy third wheel to his and teds relationship especially since its like my favorite thing that booster and bea are like funhouse mirrors of eachothers mental illness. like why does booster get all the fun in being fucked up and crazy. beas crazy too! did you see what she was doing with sigrid nansen! beatora has so little fancontent in comparison to boostle but both relationships have a lot of parallels with eachother...(listen i know my tags ratios are uneven as well but i promise i have more in the back)

49. What’s [x]’s worst character trait?

hmm well on the topic of barbara gordon, and i need to preface this with saying that i dont hate this about her i actually think its awesome and interesting. I dont hate any of my faves worst traits its what i love hte most about them....

I love that shes straight up not very good with kids. Shes good buddies with tim because hes a super genius little boy so he can hang with her on her intellectual level. but barabara gets frustrated easily and impatient when people arent as smart or as capable as her. and i think thats awesome and really interesting. shes not cruel by any means and im thinking specifically of her mentorship of cassandra cain in batgirl 2000. throughout the whole comic they have a very close sisterly bond as barbara, as oracle, mentors her in being batgirl. For anyone who doesnt know cassandra, she cant read and is non verbal most of the time. when she does speak its in short or one word responses and a lot of times she copies what she hears on tv or mixes up words in her inner monologue. Here she needed to read a kill switch phrase to stop a robot from fucking shit up, but she cant read what it says and barbara snaps at her.

this causes a rift in their relationship for a long time and they dont speak for a lot of it. to be fair barbara here was uunder a ton of stress and was operating on like 1 hr of sleep and she did apologize but this really hurt cassandra and she didnt accept her apology (right away)

while reading this does hurt its one of my favorite barbara moments because its like. shes multifaceted bitch. her snapping at her in this way makes sense and is believable for her as a character. barbara has her strengths and her weaknesses and I just think putting herself at the level of teenagers is one of her weaknesses that i think is really interesting

[piers-wifey]

Imagine going to the amusement park with the S.T.A.R.S. Squad

Because it's funny and y'all can't stop me

- Chris, Jill, Joseph and Forest love rollercoasters and such. They're literally just there for the rides

- They also hold competitions to see who can handle the most rounds without getting sick

- Rebecca loves to go on the Ferris wheel. It's her favourite attraction. She loves the coziness and the amazing view

- Brad also prefers the Ferris wheel over the rollercoasters. Mainly because his weak stomach gets the better of him every time he goes on one

- But Forest still somehow managed to convince poor Brad to go on the worst rollercoaster with him and Joseph. Needless to say that it almost ended in a disaster for the people in and around the ride

- The poor guy barely made it to the next trash bin. Edward and Richard practically had to carry him there

- Wesker will just sit somewhere, drink at least two litres of coffee and just pretend he doesn't know any of them (what a party pooper. But given that he's surrounded by a bunch of super sized children also valid af)

- Forest and Richard are the ones that win the most prizes. Forest at the shooting range and Richard at the claw crane

- Both are accused of cheating, because they're so good. Forest didn't cheat, Richard did. (How? That's between him and me)

- Richard and Forest give away all their prizes to the children. Except for this 5'1" tall teddy bear, which is a 'little' souvenir for Bridgette

- "The Dads", aka Barry, Kenneth and Enrico, always make sure that the others eat and drink enough. Especially Barry tends to 'baby' them a little too much

- Joseph and Chris had a little play fight near a water ride attraction where Chris accidentally plunged Joseph into the water. Wesker had to help him out, because everyone else was losing their shits

- Everyone, except "The Dads" and Wesker, went into the haunted house attraction. It was Jill's idea btw

- Brad and Joseph were screeching like a bunch of banshees. The latter had even pushed Richard in the zombies direction, yelling: "Take him!" before he ran out of the house with an equally terrified Brad on his heels

- Edward almost punched one of the actors out of reflex

- The others actually enjoyed the spooky experience

- To calm everyone's nerves, and to show the young folks how cool he can be, Barry suggested they all go for a ride on the bumper cars

- Unfortunately for everyone, the bumper cars are Jill's favourite ride. As soon as she sits in one, she goes absolute apeshit and starts chasing her victims

- Brad was almost yeeted out of his car, because of the impact (Homeboy really needs a therapist after this eventful day)

- The only person who isn't scared of her is Chris. He and Jill actually enjoy crashing into each other. And they often team up (They're both batshit crazy. Wesker! Come pick up your children!)

- At the end of the day, everyone was exhausted and happy to get home again. Especially Wesker, who had vowed never to go on any trips with his crew ever again (We'll see about that, buddy)

***

Tag list: @thatgoblin @ravenrune @mirandawesker @eviltothecore13 @dagrans @aurorapink10 @albertweskerxchrisredfield @sevythebeanqueen @that-one-random-simp @liliththebaroness

[flying-elliska]

So I finished watching The Sandman yesterday and damn ! What an experience ! (This is getting long I have a lot to say.)

It felt like nothing else I've seen and watched in a long time. Never read the comics but I've always loved a lot of Neil Gaiman's stuff, the cool fantasy mixed with gritty dark modern/historical reality mixed in with deep philosophical exploration is just next level, and here it just feels so trippy and engaging. I love fantasy but these days the stuff we get often feels like it's afraid to push its audience intellectually.

Usually I am not a big fan of stories where the main characters are gods or other overpowered/immortal beings because it often makes the stakes seem meaningless, either so low or ridiculously high and detached from reality - but it's sidestepped here by a) focusing on Dream at a time of uncommon vulnerability b) giving him enough flaws so that he's often his own worst enemy c) giving some thought to the awful loneliness such beings must experience and d) most of all introduce a lot of very compelling human characters (and make them go through a lot of danger). I think this is what Doctor Who did at its best too, not focusing on how badass and incredible and mysterious and badass and at the center of everything the Doctor is, but focusing more on the companions and their very human problems, the timelessness of the titular character serving to put them into dizzying perspective. They do that here too a bit, seeing human lives through the perspective of Dream and Death and their siblings - so small and frail and miserable in so many ways and yet so important and trying so hard - makes you feel everything so keenly. I spent most of ep 6 crying like a little baby, which is what I love about great stories.

The actors are incredible and so well chosen and it has so many iconic scenes. I had so many moments where I wanted to pause and go !!!!!ACTING!!!!WRITING!!!!! BOOM!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!! It's also full of hot people having sexual tension with each other. Dream is great, like yes he's a pasty brooding guy that looks like he walked out of 2012 tumblr's horny collective unconscious but he absolutely sells the whole eternal anthropomorphized embodiment of dreams thing, he's got the mystique, the super expressive eyes and the long coat, he's what Edward Cullen wishes he was. He's got the range - terrifying, proud, emotionally constipated, lost, compassionate, badass, cold bastard, bedraggled hissing wet cat, confused, alien, heartbreakingly vulnerable. Incomprehensible scary beautiful eldritch creature that still cares about humanity somehow and also guy with head so far up his own ass you want to slap him a little bit (respectfully). With a Batman voice that actually works. It's great.

Then you have Johanna Constantine - instantly fell in love. I know she's a composite of characters but she's got the backstory etc and like John Constantine is a character I love but he's also exactly the archetype I wish we had more as female characters (wlw especially) - messy, morally ambiguous, rough and tumble, charming rogue who's also kind of a bastard but also deeply caring on some level, with a haunted past, an anti-authoritarian attitude, and also obvs bisexual - so I wasn't aware she was in this and like. My God. Amazing. I wish she was in it more and I hope she gets her own show that would be <3 <3 <3

And Gwendolyne Christie as Lucifer - at first I was like huh she's very soft spoken it's a bit strange but then you get to see the simmering menace and power behind it and it's like, holy shit !!!! of course a being so powerful wouldn't need to yell and posture. And the contrast between her blue eyes and angelic blonde curls and the fact that she is so statuesque and tall works so well too like. Incredible. Her contest of wills with Dream is one of my favorite moments of the show, it gave me chills. If she becomes a main antagonist at some point that's gonna be so cool. Then you have Death, who has paradoxically such a lovely presence, she lit up every scene she was in, her interactions with Dream were so touching - episode 6 as a whole is so special, so gentle after the horrors of ep 5, even though it touches on very dark and heavy subjects. And Hob! Who wants to keep on living and figures out Dream just wants a friend !!Matthew the crow! Rose!!! I could keep going because there are a lot more fascinating wonderful characters, there's so many of them that just !!!!!! The antagonists are great, too.

It's also very casually queer. Counted 13 queer characters that have lines and personality and somewhat of an impact on the plot that has nothing to do with their queerness, which is awesome. Now, people's mileage may vary on this, because a lot of these characters are either terrible people and/or have terrible things happen to them, but that's also what happens to the straight characters, so. You have some that venture into harmful cliché territory - the gay serial killer who kills the men he hooks up with, the untrustworthy non human nonbinary character antagonist, the lesbian who commits suicide - but I think the way it's done kind of sidesteps that. The Corinthian is kind of a fascinating example because like, yes he's horrible but the reason he kills has nothing to do with any gay self loathing, he's an eldritch abomination with teeth for eyes that eats people's eyes because it's the only way he gets to feel human which is both horrifying and weirdly poignant, his wanting freedom from his creator is an understandable motive, and he's framed as stylish and kind of cool and the serial killer top dog, which is not usually the sort of framing you get in homophobic movies lmfao. I think gay people should get to be evil in stories, as long as it has nothing to do with their queerness. Still. It's kind of a lot. It has some positive queer characters - Johanna is an anti-hero but still one of the good guys and she gets to kiss a woman on screen - but, hm, it could stand to have more. Feels kind of a bit 90s in there still. I think Dream and Hob should kiss next time and also can we please have a cool lady I can ship with Johanna that doesn't immediately die in a horrible way that would be nice <3

It's not a perfect show - the structure of the season feels very episodic and dislocated - does make sense considering the source material - every episode seems to go in a different direction, ep 2 in particular kind of dragged and I found the three last episodes worked a little less well, like the dream vortex as a threat was a little out of nowhere. But this is also what makes the show interesting, in a way - it has a lot of melancholic, philosophical scenes that are not there to necessarily advance the plot (the character development of the MC maybe) and that felt like they were there just to be there, and there was something so pleasant about that, like not everything needs to be building tension and crazy cliffhangers and obsession with plot. Sometimes you are just there to enjoy and reflect. It's refreshing. I love how so many of the episodes are insane in a completely different sort of way. Ep 5 is straight up horror bottle episode that makes you think about the nature of truth and lies and dreams and cynicism, ep 6 is a poetic, melancholy fable about death and time and the meaning of life and what it's like to be immortal, ep 3 has Johanna (<3), ep 4 has that insane confrontation with Lucifer, the last eps with the cereal convention go into weird absurdist noir territory plus touching story about family, like !!! there is just SO MUCH it's a treasure trove

There is a lot of tonal whiplash though, going from the serial killer convention to the stuff with Abel and Cain that honestly felt kinda naff, to the funny BnB with the drag queen host and Barbie and Ken and - that stuff is difficult to make it work, and the vibe is important, and honestly I don't think the vibe was 100% there, which brings me to my main criticism :

WHY!!!!! do all Netflix shows look so grey and flat and kind of desaturated ! what is going on !!!! I already had this issue with Shadow and Bone, which I overall loved, and others like First Kill - it's so frustrating because you have a show like this with incredible writing and acting and what could be a truly next level atmosphere but then the aesthetics are just kind of. decent. serviceable. sometimes cool, but too often boring. it's nowhere near as psychedelic and wild and imaginative as it should be. there are some very cool sets and shots, indeed, but like. Like!!!!! It honestly took me some time to warm up to the show because the intro scene takes you to the land of Dreams and it looks like a Walmart Disney castle plonked in the middle of random hills, like hello ? My dreams don't look that bland so this took me way out of it. Where is the drama ! The rolling fog ! The wonder and beauty !! It's too clean ! Too airbrushed ! (Kind of wish it was set in the 90s honestly). Dream's palace hall looks like a discount Hogwarts with the color palette of a dentist's office. They could have done so much more with the hotel at the cereal convention. The directing also felt kind of meh, tbh. But I suspect that's less the fault of any people working on this and more about general conditions at Netflix and like I said before : grrrrrrrrrrr. I mean it's a lot less bad than Amazon's Party City version of Tolkien but still.

I had to have something to bitch about lmao but overall, amazing show, so worth the watch, glad to see it's doing well because honestly it HAS to be renewed, it's just too iconic not too. hope they go harder on the vibe next time. gonna go read the comics in the meantime <3

[palmtreepalmtree]

Alright friends, this is my very rare theater review. I was tempted to do this in my typical Worst Movie on Netflix Right Now style, but honestly, the theater industry has taken a real serious beating through the pandemic, and I love theater people (even if I don't love theater), so the last thing I want to do is really smash hard on people who are working so hard to get up on their feet and put out something for people.

That said---OOF---Pretty Woman: The Musical is decidedly not good. Now that I've said that, let me throw out a bunch of caveats and disclaimers. As I alluded to above, I do not love theater and I do not love musical theater even more. I know some people find the immediacy of theater thrilling - I find it deeply uncomfortable. Also, years ago someone pointed out to me the absurdity of stopping to sing in the middle of the French Revolution, and you know, yeah. It's a reductive and unnecessarily dismissive perspective, but I can't fucking unsee it, so here we are. Also @lspoon who I have much respect for does like this, and she does like musicals, so this take might just be firing real wide for people who actually like musical theater and may love this.

Back to Pretty Woman: The Musical. I have never seen such a crass blatant cash-grab as this. If you like the movie Pretty Woman, then just watch the movie. The whole move to stage, and music and dancing, adds absolutely nothing to the story. The best dialogue (most of it actually) is lifted whole cloth from the movie. Nothing has been reimagined or reinvented. It follows all of the exact story beats. And honestly, I rolled my eyes SO HARD at the things they did change. SPOILER: instead of Edward rescuing Vivian at the end, she punches out Stuckey herself. GREAT JOB! SUPER IMAGINATIVE! DEFINITELY SOLVED ALL OF THE PROBLEMATIC STUFF IN THE ORIGINAL MOVIE WITH THAT SMALL CHANGE. GOLD STAR!

The music was written by Bryan Adams - and me being a lady of a certain age, I sort of expected to respond to it more. In the second act there's finally a memorable song that reminded me so clearly that Bryan knows how to write a male love song. But the rest of the music is so whatever. Maybe if I listened to this a lot on spotify it would breed a comforting pop familiarity. But it's otherwise forgettable. In the second act, there's also a brief clip from the opera they attend which I think is La Traviata, and honestly, it's almost jarring in that it reminds you OH this is what original, creative music sounds like. That's not a reaction that you want your audience members having.

Also, can I just say that I'm totally over the trend of having a black woman step forward in music numbers to sing circles around the main performers and then step back again. It's like we're treating black woman singers like an instrumental flourish, like a fucking sax solo. Give me a fucking break.

Last note - the worst part about this show is how fucking awkward the intimate scenes are. They are done almost exactly as they are done in the movie, so again, if you know the movie, you know when to expect it. But it's still so fucking jarring. Like you're watching this musical, then all of a sudden, you're like OH YEAH, she's a hooker! Like... how is this... FUCK you guys, is this a cute musical people are bringing their kids to? I'm so confused. And HOLY SHIT if I already found the immediacy of theater awkward, you better believe it's awkward when she's dropping a pillow down on the floor so she can go down on this guy. Like... damn.

I know my prudish tendencies have gotten worse the older I get. Like I don't even like that much sexual stuff in my movies anymore. I get taken out of the story - I just think like these are actors and it must be uncomfortable for them to perform this, and why do I need to see this? What is this doing for me in a non-porn context? Anyhow, that's probably a longer rant for another time.

I genuinely like the movie Pretty Woman. It's problematic as hell, sure, but it's probably one of my comfort movies. I think Julia Roberts is super charming in it, it's romantic (in ways it probably shouldn't be but whatever just let me have this), and so I know it really well. I don't think that did me any favors watching this musical. If you don't know the movie or the story maybe this will all seem fresh and fun to you. For me, I just wanted to go home and watch Edward and Viv in private, leaving me to my little inappropriate piano sex fantasies alone, as the Goddess intended.

[captain-yeet]

The Worst Timing (Felix x Fem!Reader)

Summary: Keeping things to yourself is hard when your father reads minds. How do you successfully keep the secret that you're in a relationship with your family's sworn enemy?

Word count: 1.9k 

Warnings: NSFW; local man goes down under + edging, swearing, second-hand embarrassment

Author’s Note: Spicy times getting interrupted, I’m a sucker for that. Might make this a two-parter if people like it 🥺👉👈

Privacy in the Cullen household wasn’t always a given, especially with having a mind reader for a father.

Being the adopted member of Edward and Bella Cullen's strange family, you grew up knowing off the bat that your new family were vampires - gifted vampires at that - from very early on. Now that you were a legal adult and out of school, your parents and family were worried about a certain Italian governing force of vampires paying them a visit in regards to your mortality.

They didn't know however, even with your aunt's foresight, that they already knew that you were of the age to be turned. Aro had left that up to fate's hands.

Well, fate's hands being his trusted executioner, who's hands were very much occupied right now with gripping onto whatever part of you he could as the two of you kissed each other with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

"What-what if someone walks in on us?" You half asked half whined into your boyfriend's mouth.

Felix simply laughed, quietly, moving his lips from yours to your cheek. "I have very good hearing, sweetheart, if anyone's approaching the house I'll know."

Luck smiled upon you when you were born. While you didn't share the same blood of Bella, you happened to have a gift that was very similar to hers - the gift of being able to block specific thoughts and memories from someone's mind. You found out while talking with your adopted sister Renesmee one day, she tried to show you something you'd rather not know about with her gift, and your mind and body shied away from it. So much so, her projected memories couldn't get into your head.

Which led you to the helpful discovery that not only could you block Renesmee from from projecting thoughts into your mind at-will, but you could do the same with your dear old dad about your very secret Volturi boyfriend.

You'd been very sneaky, both you and Felix, at working around your family's multiple gifts to stay hidden. Today, your parents and sister were out, leaving you to your own devices. Originally you planned on sneaking Felix into your room but the two of you only made it as far as the living room.

Felix took your chin in his hand and made you look him in the eye; his own were almost pitch black from how dilated his pupils were, the ring of blood red that you'd grown so accustomed to barely visible. "Now relax, mi amore. I've got you."

His words made you feel secure.

With one arm hooked around your waist and the free one reaching down to work on what you assumed was the buckle of his belt, he turned the two of you around, leading you forward towards him. Kissing you again, you heard his pants hit the floor as Felix fell back towards onto the couch behind him, bringing you down on top of him.

You adjusted yourself so you were straddling him, your thighs on either side of his hips. Shifting your weight a little to each side, a jolt of arousal struck you as he grabbed hold of your hips and thrusted upward, his own arousal plainly obvious.

 “These,” Felix growled, reaching up for your shirt, “need to go. Now.”

 “Take them off yourself.”

To drive your sassy retort home further, you grinded against him, keeping eye contact. It gave you pleasure to watch him lose his focus, his eyes rolling to the back of his head mouth half open.

If anything, the fact that you, you, could drive a vampire wild was only turning you on further, your ego growing bigger by the second.

You didn’t have long to enjoy your smug pride at giving Felix pleasure however as you felt one of his hands move to your leg and the other staying firmly at your hip; then in the blink of an eye, you were on your back and the sound of cloth being torn caught your attention.

 You pouted up at Felix, who tossed the remnants of your now ripped shirt to the side. “I liked that shirt, y’kno- hey!”

Ignoring you, Felix easily tore off everything you were wearing waist down with terrifying ease. Throwing more torn material aside, his eyes travelled up and down your exposed body with growing lust... and a smugness of his own.

Not letting up on the fact he just ripped your clothes, you tried to glare up at him. “I liked those too.”

Felix chuckled darkly. “I’ll buy you new ones.”

 “Even that exact shirt?” you pressed, raising your eyebrows. This man brought out a bratty side to you that you didn’t know existed, and deep down you both secretly liked it.

Felix, even though he'd ever admit it, loved how bratty you got sometimes.

He rolled his eyes, moving off the couch to pull you to the other end of it. “I have money, now relax my dear Y/N.”

Cocky bastard, you thought to yourself.

Completely at his mercy, your boyfriend - or rather, your mate - admired you with nothing but pure adoration in his eyes. "You have no clue just how absolutely breathtaking you are to me," he said softly, slowly getting on his knees. Felix kept eye contact with you, which felt a little intimidating but also it aroused you.

Before you could open your mouth to respond you gasped as a pair of cold lips brushed against your inner thigh, placing loving kisses trailing up further and further, closer to where you needed it most.

"Felix," you whimpered, wiggling to try and get any friction where you needed it.

"I know, baby," he assured you, "let me make you feel good."

And finally, you felt his tongue make contact with your sensitive core. The moan that left your lips was as sinful as it was needy, leaving you a whimpering mess on the couch.

Felix was an attentive lover, making good use of his mouth and fingers to bring you closer to climax. You could do nothing more than buck against his tongue as he fucked you with it.

"Felix I'm - I'm gonna -"

To your dismay, he pulled out as you began to pull him in closer. His mouth covered in your own wetness, he flashed a grin at you as he rose from his crouched position. "Not yet. I want you to come when I want you to."

You sighed impatiently, feeling like you needed to cry in frustration. So, you bit your lip, trying to contain yourself.

Taking pause, Felix was suddenly at your side, scooping you up into his arms and carrying you. "If you need me to slow down, I can," he offered, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. “If I’m being too much...”

"You're fine," you assured him with a weak smile, "I'm just... I am, well..." you broke eye contact and stared blankly at his chest as you mumbled the next few words to leave your mouth. "I just really need to come."

He deftly opened the door to your room, chuckling at your words. "You will, I'll make sure of it, cara mia."

"You sound so sure of that," you teased as Felix lay you back onto a bed - your bed. He'd carried you into your room.

"Tease," he growled.

"And you're an incubus."

That made him snort. Felix closed his eyes, shaking his head briefly. "Only for you."

Stepping back, Felix rid himself of the shirt and boxers he wore.

Now, looking at him, you assumed he'd be big. 6'7 and built like a heavyweight champion, physically he was intimidating. Bigger than average. And boy were you correct in that assumption.

Felix wasted no time in lining himself up with your cunt; being completely soaked from what he did to you on the couch, it made it a little easier for you to take him.

Pants and moans filled the room, neither of you holding back with the sounds you were making. For you this was bliss; you couldn't imagine anything better than Felix, nothing would ever compare.

It didn't take long for you to build your climax up again. Felix could tell by how much more ragged your breathing had become.

"That's it sweetheart," he praised you, feeling his own release build up as he watched you come undone beneath him, "come for me. I want you to come for me, baby."

His words coaxed your impending orgasm along, and you wordless cried out, grabbing his shoulders and digging your nails in as you rode it out.

The sensation of your nails digging into his back brought along his own orgasm, a feral snarl ripping through his throat. You heard something snap just behind your head as Felix's thrusts slowed down.

The two of you stayed like that for a moment, the only sound in the room being your erratic heartbeat and breathing.

The post-sex bliss was that; blissful. Being in his arms, you felt like you were home.

Until the bliss was brought to an end.

"Y/N?" An urgent voice called out from somewhere in the house.

Your dad.

So much for Felix’s super hearing.

Locking eyes with Felix with nothing other than the shared expression of "oh shit," he deftly rolled off you, his boxers back on in a flash as you darted up from your bed to lock your bedroom door.

"Y/N Cullen answer me!" Edward's sharp voice boomed from the hallway, coming closer.

"You smell that scent too right, dude?" A second voice called out.

Uncle Emmett.

You looked back to Felix, who now at least had some of his clothes on. He gave you an apologetic look, throwing you the nearest article of clothing near him; a long shirt dress.

You quickly padded over to him and he cupped your face, stroking your cheek reassuringly with his thumb as your door began to rattle. "Go," you whispered, pointing toward your bedroom window.

"You better put that on," he replied, eyeing the door warily.

You fumbled with the dress, shoving your arms through it and quickly pulling it down over you.

Luckily for your chastity, the moment you were decent, your door came barreling down, hitting the floor with a loud thud as your father and uncle burst into your room. Their eyes widened when they saw who you were with.

"Oh shit," Emmett shouted, eyes wide looking between you and Felix.

"You motherfucker," Edward snarled in a deadly quiet tone of voice, his eyes locked solely on Felix.

You turned back to Felix, who was as tense as a spring. "Go, now!"

"I love you Y/N," he said urgently, his gaze flickering to the window.

"I know," you replied hastily. You had to buy him time, a window to escape out your actual window. You vaguely acknowledged the sound of your uncle shouting "What!?" at Felix's words.

So, you grabbed a nearby chair and launched it at the two of them.

Edward caught the chair easily, tossing it gently to the side to turn the full intensity of his glare onto you. "You, young lady, have some explaining to do. What was that... that monster doing in our home?"

You turned around, and saw the window wide open, Felix nowhere to be seen. You hoped he'd run far enough to where he could avoid your family's wrath.

Despite the clear trouble you were in, you couldn't help but giggle at the tonight of him running half dressed through the woods.

[mightkinsquidwardidk]

Random quotes I found on Pinterest as Gotham characters???

These quotes aren't mine :)

Penguin: "I consider it a true tragedy and failure that we, as a human race, have let lavish masquerade balls go out of fashion."

Jerome: *is sad* some random shiny thing with no function or monetary value half buried in the dirt at the bus stop. "Oh ho HOOOO."

Harley: "Why aren't there friend pick up lines. Pick up lines to make friends, like, hey that's a cute dress, you know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual."

Post-spray Jeremiah: "Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire."

Jim: "Life hack: if someone makes a racist/sexist joke, say, with total seriousness, I don't get it, can you explain it. Then watch them crash and burn."

Galavan: "So what do you guys have planned for valentine's day?"

Barbara and Tabitha: "Murder."

Galavan: "That's the spirit."

Some random teacher talking about Jonathan: "One time, we got a new kid in fifth grade and he walks right in, sticks his hand under the stapler and staples his hand. He just looks at the teacher and goes I'm going to the nurse and leaves."

Edward: "Struggle with depression would almost seem to imply that I am bad at depression when I am, in fact, very proficient at being depressed."

Ivy: "You'll understand when you're older. I am older and I understand absolutely nothing."

Post-spray Jeremiah: My neutral expression makes me look like I'm in a bad mood, which is convenient because it's usually true."

Jerome: "At my funeral, there is going to be a closed casket and then it will be opened to reveal that I am not inside. Instead, they will turn on the ceiling fan and my lifeless body will swing around the room while the Space Jam theme song is playing in the background." *Hours later* "Nevermind, my mom says I can't do that."

Edward: "Would like to apologize to my haters for being an absolute snack."

Post-spray Jeremiah: "My brother tried to pick up a banana to make it look like he was talking on the phone but all the bananas in the bunch came with it and he just looked at me and went I guess it's a conference call."

Harley: "A++ recovery."

Jeremiah: "Don't encourage him."

Barbara high as a kite: "I'm going to make a Youtube video entitled shit all men say and it will consist only of the phrase but not all men say that. And then I'll wait for men to stare at their keyboards in utter distress as they contemplate the paradox of their intense desire and desperation to inform me that not all men say that. I will break them."

Ivy: "Sorry, I have Bubonic plague. I can't hang out tonight."

Harley: "Aw rats."

Jerome: "This is my How the Grinch Stole Christmas oc, the Gunch. He's the Grinch's brother but he has a gun. His theme song is called "holy fuck it's the Gunch."

Pre-spray Jeremiah: "Everyday is leg day when you're running from your problems."

Some college student: "Confidently submits worst essay Professor Crane has ever graded."

Jonathan: "Students, you have no idea how high that bar is. I had a student who plagiarized from a yaoi hentai site. There's no going back from that one."

Same student: "Fuck dude, there's sure not."

Harley: "How can lawyers argue without crying?"

Harvey Dent: "I am a lawyer and let me tell you it gets super close dude."

(I edited this quote a bit.)

Random circus member: "today these two twins in the circus were hitting each other with pencils and Lila glared at them and said could you try to be a little more mature? One of them screamed taxes and punched the other kid in the face."

Harley: "I hate it when people ask me to explain my thought process. Like hell if I know!"

Selina: "What do you do for a living?"

Bruce: "I exist against my will."

Post-spray Jeremiah: "Earth's boring, it's time to mix things up a little,"

Bruce: "After the year we just had?!"

Jeremiah: "Politics bore me but Yellowstone's super-volcano intrigues me."

Jonathan: "What's going on in that head of yours?"

Harley: "Nothing I want to be apart of."

Literally any version of Jeremiah: "Y'all ever postpone an outfit? Sometimes the public just isn't ready.

[theclockworkmonk]

Out of the Mouths of Babes - Chapter 1

Read on AO3 here

Prompt:  “Uncle Ron said something about Harry knocking Ginny up, but I don’t know what he means,” Teddy said.

Ron was still huffing grumpily as he stepped forward and pushed the door of their flat open for Hermione, so she wouldn’t have to adjust Teddy in her arms. His gracious show of chivalry clashed hilariously with the sour look on his face.

“Honestly, Ron,” Hermione laughed, shaking her head at him, “One would really assume you’d be used to it by now.”

“I have gotten used to it!” he said defensively. “I keep getting used to it, over and over, but then they just keep getting worse! If you want to snog your girlfriend, snog your girlfriend, if you want to talk with your best mate, talk with your best mate, but it’s downright rude to try to do both at the same time. But was there a single moment today where they weren’t draped all over each other? No! I don’t even want to think about what their hands might have been doing under the table. I mean, shit… ”

“Ron!” Hermioned hissed harshly, quickly covering Teddy’s ears.

But it was too late. “What’s shit?” the three-year-old asked innocently. Hermione shot Ron a murderous glare.

“I’ve told you Ron, for once in your life, watch what comes out of your mouth! Teddy is at a stage in his development where he’s very observant and curious.”

“What’s curious?” asked Teddy.

“That just means you’re growing up to be the most clever boy in the world!” Hermione told the toddler sweetly. She lifted up his shirt and blew him a raspberry, causing him to erupt into giggles. She put him down and he ran off to sit on the sitting room rug and start playing with the toys they had brought out before taking him today.

Ron was still grumpy as he plopped down on the sofa and watched Teddy absentmindedly. In hindsight, Hermione saw that she should have given him some time to cool off between ending their double lunch date with Harry and Ginny and picking Teddy up from Andromeda, to give her a night off to spend with other adults unencumbered. But if they had delayed at all, Harry would have jumped at the chance and taken Teddy himself. He was always using his role of godfather to indulge his martyr complex, but Hermione had steadfastly reminded him that Ginny was off for the first time in weeks after the intense conclusion to the Quidditch season, and she deserved to have her boyfriend all to herself.

Hermione sighed as she sat next to her fiancé on the sofa, leaning her head against his shoulder. “You have to remember, Ron, that Harry is still learning how physical affection works. He grew up without anyone ever touching him except to control him or hurt him. It’s called being touch-starved, it’s a real phenomenon in psychology. It’s understandable if he over-corrects in the other direction and doesn’t understand that public displays of affection come with boundaries.

She turned her head to look at him kindly, but found him giving her a deadpan frown.

“Seriously, Hermione? Not everything is related to something you read in a book once but somehow remember years later. This has nothing to do with Harry’s Tragic Backstory, they get more and more handsy because they know that it drives me up the wall, they’re just fucking with me.”

“What’s fucking?” asked Teddy.

“Sorr— Ow!” Ron helped as Hermione elbowed him hard in the side.

“Behave yourself,” she told him. “And don’t sell Harry short, that is not why he does it.”

She settled back into leaning against him, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

“....That is absolutely why Ginny does it, though,” she added, making Ron snort with laughter.

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, content to just watch Teddy play with small smiles on their faces.

“Thanks for volunteering us to take him,” Ron said softly into Hermione’s ear. “Having him around, this time of the year….it helps.”

Hermione nodded somberly. “I know what you mean.” The next day was May 2nd. Three years to the day since the Battle of Hogwarts.

Hermione sniffed as she felt all-too familiar tears threatening to break free again. “Being around someone so young, someone who won’t ever remember how bad things had gotten, who would only know the new world we fought for. It reminds us that none of them died in vain.”

“Yeah,” Ron agreed quietly. “I think the rest of the family feels the same way, they always get super clingy with Vic this time of the year. Me too, I’ll admit.”

“Oh yes, I’ve definitely noticed that,” Hermione nodded. “Even more so than with Teddy, since she’s a Weasley. She represents your family’s survival and healing, I suppose.”

Hermione chuckled at something she remembered. “The worst of them all is your mother. She’s really been cranking the doting up for Victoire, and between you and me, it’s driving Fleur absolutely mad.”

Ron sat up a bit to face her, smiling mischievously at the gossip. “Oh yeah?”

Hermione nodded and smiled back. “She won’t say anything until she figures out a way to phrase it passive-aggressively instead of bluntly, but Fleur is clearly feeling smothered by the pressure of being the mother of the only grandchild.”

Ron’s smile faltered a bit, and the same grumpy mood he had when they returned home seemed to return.

“Well, she probably shouldn’t worry,” he grumbled. “If my best mate and my sister keep being as insufferable as they are, it’s only a matter of time before Harry’s knocking Ginny up—”

“Ron!” Hermione growled angrily, shooting Teddy a sideways glance, but fortunately he seemed too busy playing with his toy dragons. She breathed a sigh of relief, then started giggling.

“What on Earth makes you assume that?” she asked him incredulously.

“Hermione, if they can’t control themselves in the middle of a sodding café, what makes you think they can when alone in their flat?”

Hermione snuggled back up to him, pouting her lip playfully. “Well if that’s the case, why them and not us? I’d like to think that we’re similarly…. out of control at times…” she slowly brought a hand to rub up his thigh. Then, suddenly, her eyes narrowed dangerously, she stood up, and put her hands on her hips.

“Unless you’re saying that you’re just not as attracted to me as Harry is to Ginny?”

Ron just raised a skeptical eyebrow at her. “You’re trying to trap me because you think I’m adorable when I’m nervous, but you have to be less transparent than that, love.”

“Shoot, it was worth a try,” laughed Hermione, sitting back down.

“You know that I meant that you would never allow that to happen,” pulling her close again. “You can’t even make noncommittal plans for drinks in a pub without triple-checking your schedule and giving it a color-coded entry in your planner, there’s no way you’d ever let something as important as…. that just slip your mind. But you know how reckless those two are, is it really hard to believe they would neglect the Contraception Charm once?”

Hermione bit her lip thoughtfully. “No, I really don’t think so. There are some things that Harry and Ginny do take seriously, one of them is family, they wouldn’t be blasé about it. And don’t be so disgustingly modest,” she said, lightly swatting his leg. “I am not always meticulous, you know damn well you’re capable of turning me into a scatterbrained piece of goo.”

She wasn’t looking at him, but she could feel Ron grinning proudly at that.

“Oh yeah?” he murmured in her ear, and Hermione felt goosebumps erupt on her neck. He pulled her closer and Hermione felt herself blush scarlet as he whispered all sorts of things he planned to do to her to prove her right.

“What’s knickers?” asked Teddy, who apparently had very good hearing. Hermione blushed harder than ever as she elbowed her fiancé again.

It was after dark when Ron and Hermione finally stepped through the fireplace of the Burrow. They could hear the large, loud gathering in the kitchen before they saw it. They found Andromeda talking and laughing happily in the kitchen with Molly, Arthur, Bill, Fleur, George, and Charlie, all drinking either tea, firewhiskey, or some combination of both. But as pleasant as the evening had been, she still beamed when she saw her grandson running towards her.

“He wasn’t too much trouble, was he?” she asked apologetically as she scooped the toddler into her lap.

“He was a delight!” said Hermione cheerfully.

“Yeah, this kid stuff is easy!” said Ron dismissively. “And yes, that’s a git thing to say, feel free to saddle us with him until I regret it.”

Andromeda laughed and thanked them again. After Ron and Hermione returned home through the fireplace, Teddy rested his head on Andromeda’s shoulder. He was clearly very tired and was starting to get fussy.

“Well,” Andromeda sighed, “I guess I should get this one home. Thank you so much for having me, all of you.”

But then, Teddy spoke up in a sleepy voice.

“Grammy, what’s knocking up?”

There was a loud crash as Molly dropped the teapot onto the kitchen floor. Fleur gasped dramatically, Bill coughed and sputtered on his firewhiskey, while George just erupted into laughter.

Andromeda pulled the boy off her shoulder and looked at him sternly. “Edward Remus Lupin, where did you hear that?” she asked.

“Oh, I believe we know where” Molly growled as she flicked her wand to levitate the shrapnel on the floor and started to reassemble it into a teapot, “I honestly don’t know where these sons of mine got such foul mouths. I have half a mind to go after Ronald and remind him that he’s not too old for me to wash his mouth out with soap. I am so sorry, Andi.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” said Andromeda. “Harry can swear just as well as any Weasley.”

She addressed Teddy again, more gently this time. “Go on, Teddy, where did you hear those words?”

“Uncle Ron said something about Harry knocking Ginny up, but I don’t know what he means,” Teddy said.

The kitchen of the Burrow had never before fallen so quickly, completely silent. The only sound was another crash as Molly dropped the teapot again.

[jasperwhitcock]

this was highly requested by no one here is twilight characters’ favorite ariana grande song:

bella swan: nasty she is boppin to this track don’t wanna wait on it / tonight i wanna get nastyyyy defines her life but ghostin is also her fave except she absolutely skips bc it hurts

edward cullen: pov he literally sobs his tearless cries to pov thinking about the bottlecap and rosalie at night is so sick of hearing a guttural OOOH in between sobs after the i wanna love me (ooh) the way that you love me (ooh) he thinks of bella eating her mushroom ravioli like this squirrel and loses his shit

emmett cullen: dangerous woman is his shit he liiiiives for the dangerous woman era and dangerous woman makes him feel super sexy and powerful the track comes on and he’s like

rosalie hale: knew better / forever boy this is her favorite track bc of its duality she gets that fuck them i don’t need them i know my worth vibe but also that ok i will make an exception for one (1) man bc he’s a himbo and i like that vibe

jasper hale: jasper doesn’t listen to ari he listens to like kid rock and blake shelton or something

alice cullen: although she really identifies with just like magic she is a pete davidson interlude bitch bc i thought you into my life / look at my mind

esme cullen: esme is an og ari stan forever she wants the oldies and tattooed heart is her shit do not try to tell her positions is better than yours truly she will not stand for it

carlisle cullen: he loves the deep cuts but side to side will always be his jam bc his wife always got him walkin side to side

jacob black: honeymoon avenue is his guilty pleasure track but if you ask him he’ll say he loves boyfriend bc he’s into those 90 vibes which is why postions deluxe is his fave ari album to put on in the garage but better off is his top played ari song

seth clearwater: be alright is his SOOOONG he knows the choreo and everything. eventually leah learned it too even tho she never planned to and it’s their party trick to perform it but leah needs a few shots before she agrees to do it

leah clearwater: leah’s a fake smile stan and also a shut up stan. she didn’t really care for ari before but seth got her into ari and ari’s her pop guilty pleasure and makes her feel empowered

sam uley: sam sings god is a woman in the shower when he thinks emily’s out and once she came home and found him screaming ari’s high notes at the top of his lungs and died laughing she keeps hinting at the story in front of everyone else and everyone wants to know the story but she’s yet to betray him he’s v embarrassed but he plays it off by singing it horribly for her to make her laugh

emily young: emily loves throwback 90s jams like she’s a big mariah stan and she’s also into R&B so she loves tracks w that influence like my hair and worst behavior but right now main thing is on repeat. her fave deep cut is break your heart right back tho bc she also loves 80s divas like diana ross which she sings ari’s part and sam sings childish gambino’s part

paul lahote: paul loves both the 34+35 single and the 34+35 remix and he knows all the words

jared cameron: jared loves moonlight bc it’s not his and kim’s song but it’s his and kim’s song once for an anniversary he sang it for her and he is NOT a good singer it sounded terrible but kim and jared were too busy sobbing thru the performance to care but he still gets flamed by the boys for his tone deaf reindition there’s a video somewhere but emily won’t let them circulate it

embry call: embry is a top hits bitch he loves into you and 7 rings but break free is his mf jaaaam but u know what he also really vibes with thank u, next

quil ateara: quil vibes with R.E.M it’s one of his most streamed songs on spotify and needy makes him CRYYY. quil and embry love listening to ari in the car together

[edwardsmate4ever]

The Phone Call

Note: This outtake is a companion piece to Chapter 4 of Visions Interrupted, but it can be read as a standalone too. What happened when Bella called Rosalie in Breaking Dawn?

 Read it on AO3 or FFN, or just read it here! 

The Phone Call

Emmett POV

   “I might be...pregnant.”

 I listened to Edward get on the line, his voice panicked as he questioned Carlisle whether such a thing was even possible.

 Bella’s pregnant? Damn, son, what?

 First thing that crossed my mind was whoa! Edward must have some super spunk or something. Was he some kind of undiscovered sex god? No fucking way. That kid was a hundred and he never even kissed a girl until Bella. He had absolutely nothing on me. If anyone was a sex god; it was definitely Emmett McCarty Cullen. This whole concept was kinda blowing my mind. Maybe Edward didn’t have to be a sex god, maybe any male vampire could do it. Maybe I had super spunk too, and if Rosalie were human… Could I have done that to her?

 But Rosalie wasn’t human, and I couldn’t knock her up. A baby was the only thing she ever wanted in the world. And now, of all people, Edward was getting one. My girl was not going to be happy about this. Turning around to look where she stood behind my seat on the couch, I saw a motionless statue. Her face was a mask, but her stillness told me everything I needed to know. This wasn’t just angry Rosalie. I knew how to handle angry Rosalie. No, this was the face that scared me. This was jealousy and rage and hurt all rolled into one, and I never knew exactly what to do when she got like that. My girl was roiling[1]  inside, and when she came back to herself, she was liable to bolt any second.

 When he hung up the phone, Carlisle turned to look at the four of us. The look of panic on his face rocked me to the core. This man was unshakeable, and here he was, completely at a loss for what to do. The others felt it too, and my anxiety spiked with all of theirs before I felt Jasper try to calm us. He wasn’t that effective though since he was just as fucked up over this revelation. We all stared at each other for a few moments before Rosalie sprang to life. She crossed the room, heading for the door. “I’ve got to get Esme,” she murmured before taking off at a run. I was pretty sure that was an excuse. I knew she was hurting and she wanted to be alone. But I also knew that even though she always said she wanted to be alone, sometimes she actually wanted someone to hold her and tell her everything would be all right. I was pretty sure this was one of those times, so I followed her out the door.

 I caught up to her quickly, and when I was a few yards away from her, she turned and fell into my arms. I clutched her to me, wrapping her up in one of my famous bear hugs. Pretty sure I’d hugged everyone in my family this way at least once when they felt really low, so I knew from experience it would help. And it did; her body went slack against mine, and she wept tearlessly on my shoulder. I buried my face in her hair, my own still heart in my throat.

 Having her own family was what Rosalie was longing for when she died, and that desire held strong into her second life. How many times had I desperately wished I could give her everything she wanted? It was damned hard knowing I could never fill that hole in her life, that it would eternally hurt for her. The fact that Bella was going to experience what she so desperately wanted was devastating. She already didn’t like Bella for choosing to give up her humanity. On top of that, now she was going to get the only thing Rosalie ever wanted and could never have.

 Pulling back from her, I swiped away her phantom tears with my thumbs and brushed her hair away from her face, bringing my hands back around to gently cup her face. “Rosie,” I whispered. “Let’s leave. We don’t have to stay here. We don’t have to watch.”

 My girl inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled, steadying herself, and I could feel the last of the tension leave her body. “Yes,” she said. “That’s perfect. I think we should leave immediately. They’ll understand if we disappear.”

 I nodded. They all knew what this would do to Rosie. They’d probably encourage us to go. Crooking an eyebrow at her, I offered, “Denali?”

 “At first, yes,” she said, nodding thoughtfully. “But then let’s find a place we’ve never been and go there.”

 “I love it,” I assured her. This was going to be awesome. Get away from all of this, just the two of us. As much as I enjoyed Bella’s presence in our family, the girl brought a lot of drama with her everywhere she went.

 As she gave me a shaky smile, her phone began to ring. It was a jarring and unexpected sound at that moment, and it startled us both. She reached into the back pocket of her jeans and read the caller ID on the screen.

 “Edward?” she exclaimed. “Why the hell is Edward calling me?” She sounded pissed off, and frankly, I kinda felt that way too. Unfortunately, it wasn't that weird to imagine Edward rubbing this in her face in some way. Sometimes that teenage assholery just came out of him, I think without him even realizing it. At least, not until it was too late. Edward was capable of some pretty cruel shit, but I didn’t think he would sink that low. This was probably really important if he was calling her now, when he knew goddamn well she would be upset.

 “Aren’t you going to answer it?” I prodded.

 She huffed. “I can’t imagine I want to hear anything he has to say.”

 “Just answer it, Rose. If he’s calling you now, it has to be important.”

 Knowing I was right and hating it, she flipped open the phone, pressing it to her ear, and begrudgingly answered, “Hello?”

 “Rosalie?” The voice was definitely not Edward’s. “It's Bella. Please, I need you to help me.”

 She wanted Rosalie’s help? Our gazes locked, and my girl’s eyes were just as wide and shocked as mine were. “What do you need, Bella?” she asked warily.

 Bella’s voice was hurried and whisper-quiet. I had to really focus to hear her end of the call. “Please, Edward’s afraid. He thinks it's bad, that it’s going to hurt me. He wants to kill our baby. He'll do it too—Carlisle is on his side. I want to keep it, Rosalie. The baby is good—I feel it. I know I can count on you to understand.”

 Rosalie’s eyes widened even larger which I really didn’t think was possible. But her eyes never left mine. I watched as fear turned to resolve, pushing aside all doubt and confusion. “Yes, Bella,” she said firmly. “I'll help you. You can count on me.”

 “Thank you,” Bella whispered with reverence, then she quickly said, “I've got to go," and the line went dead.

 Slowly, Rosalie closed her phone and slid it carefully back in her pocket. Our eyes were still locked and I'm sure my doubts showed in them. I didn't like this. It wasn't going to be good for my girl's psyche. “Rosalie, we were leaving...”

 “I know, Emmett. But weren’t you listening to Carlisle and Edward’s phone conversation a few minutes ago?”

 I shrugged and shook my head. “No, I was distracted by Edward’s super spunk.”

 She rolled her eyes like a champ, but a smile crept onto her face. She couldn't resist my dumb jokes; no one could. It was my superpower.  She quickly sobered though. “Seriously, Emmett. They were talking about aborting it. They think it’s a demon or something. They want to kill that baby, and I won’t stand by and let it happen. Bella wants me to help her keep it. She knows I’m not afraid to stand up to them. I won’t let them strong-arm her.”

 “But babe, you hate her.”

 “We’re not friends, and I don’t like her. But this isn’t about Bella and me, or about me trying to get back at Carlisle and Edward, this is about standing up for someone who can’t stand up for themselves. Standing up for something I wholeheartedly agree with, and she knows that. She didn’t call me because we’re BFFs. If she wanted that, she would have called Alice. What Bella wants is to keep her baby, and she knows I will protect this baby at any cost.”

 “But Rosie, what if this isn’t really a baby?” I tried reasoning with her. “I mean, I don’t know if a human and a vampire can have a real baby.”

 Rosalie shrugged. “If Bella thinks it is, that’s good enough for me.”

 I was really afraid this whole experience was going to break my girl, but she was committed. I knew better than to think she would be swayed. Still, I tried one last-ditch effort. “Edward will fight you. Carlisle will too.”

 “No, they won't, because I have you to protect me.”

 “Of course you do, babe,” I said and wrapped her up in a hug so she wouldn’t see my face ‘cause I wasn’t so sure I wanted to fight them on this. I thought they were probably onto something with this whole monster thing. No way did that petrified, rehydrated vampire spunk create a baby like Rosalie and Bella were thinking it would be. Edward’s spunk was from 1918 and vampified! That can’t be a good thing.

 “Come on. Let's tell Esme,” Rosalie said, pulling away and grabbing my arm, unaware that I was having a crisis of morality over here. “She'll be on our side.”

 Only I wasn't so sure I was on her side. As we ran to the cottage, I did my best to compartmentalize my emotions. I had to put the scared and nervous feelings in a box, and pull out the strong and stoic bodyguard persona. I wasn’t used to covering up my emotions. No point with an empath in the house.

 Empath, telepath, fortuneteller—all the gifteds thought they owned the place. And the worst part was that the two of us and Carlisle and Esme encouraged their egos by being lazy and relying on their gifts too much. Me and Rosie felt like second-class citizens in our own family a lot of the time. That was one of the reasons why we honeymooned so often and for so long—it was just more relaxing not having to watch everything we said, or did, or felt, or thought even.

 Now, instead of getting away and feeling every fucked-up emotion that Rose had every right to feel, she was going to have to gracefully face it all head on. Although, I supposed it was possible there really was a baby inside Bella, and if Rosalie was able to help Bella keep it, maybe Bella would let her help raise it. And that was it—the light bulb moment. I knew then that was the reason Rosalie agreed, as painful as her emotions were. Because in the end, there was a chance Rosalie would get her wish, the baby she always wanted. Even if Bella had to die for her to get it. And I was going to have to stand by and support them, no matter what happened, whether it sat well in my stomach or not. I loved Rosie and only wanted her happiness. After the circumstances of her human death, she needed to be able to trust me fully if our relationship was ever going to work, and I always told Rosalie I’d do anything for her. But this? This was tough to swallow and went against everything my head was telling me was right. My head knew this was wrong, but my heart was dedicated to my Rosie, and I would stand by my vow to give her the world, even if I didn’t like it.

 The cottage was in sight and Esme stepped out to meet us, a smile on her face that quickly faded as she took in our dark expressions.

 “What’s going on?” she asked, worry clouding her normally easy tone.

 Rosalie just laid it out on the table. “Bella’s pregnant, Edward wants to kill it, but she wants to keep it.”

 Esme’s mouth dropped open. “Pregnant? How?” Then she gasped, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. “Oh! You don’t think she and Jacob…”

 “Wow, Esme. I’m surprised you took it there,” I praised her, holding my hand up for a high five, which she did not return, leaving me hanging.

 “You’re worse than Emmett. Too many soap operas and reality shows,” Rosalie teased her. “But seriously, no, Edward’s the father. He and Carlisle want to take it out of her. But she called me, Esme. Bella stole Edward’s phone and called me when she had a few minutes alone. She asked me to help her protect it. She's afraid of what they'll do.”

 Esme gasped again with shock and she looked like she might faint if that were possible. But when I saw that same resolve I saw in Rosalie’s eyes forming in Esme’s face, I knew Esme was on ‘our’ side. She was thinking baby, not monster, just like Rosalie. The possibility that it was anything other than a baby probably never even crossed her mind.

 “Will you help her?” Esme asked Rosalie.

 “I told Bella I would, and I will. It's her choice, not theirs, and I’ll fight for her right to carry this baby. Will you help me?”

 Esme stood up straighter, her chin jutting forward. “Of course I will.”

 “Do you think you can convince Carlisle not to abort?”

 “I do.” No hesitation. Of course not. Carlisle would do anything for her, just like I was doing for Rosie.

 “Perfect. We have to act like nothing is up when we get back to the house. Edward doesn’t know she asked for help—it was a covert move. We have to act like there’s nothing amiss.”

 “No problem.”

 Apparently, I wasn’t going to be consulted. It was clear that my opinion didn’t matter. They never once even looked at me as they plotted. I was a man, so I had no say in this. I was only needed as a shield, and that’s what I’d be. Anything to make Rosie happy, to get her the only thing she ever wanted. What kind of mate would I be if I didn’t? Still, my conscience was eating at me, not sure what this thing was going to end up doing to Bella. She was pretty fragile. What if she ended up dying? What would that do to my brother? Would he hate me forever for standing by my mate? This shit was fucked up, and the only thing clear to me was how long we’d been gone.

 “Ladies,” I interrupted. “We should probably get back. We’ve been gone a while now. We were only supposed to be telling you what happened and bringing you back. The phone call took some time.” I didn’t mention Rosalie’s breakdown, and she shot me a grateful look.

 “Well, if anyone asks, we’ll say I got upset, and you two had to talk me down. That sounds like a plausible explanation for why we’ve been gone for a while, doesn’t it?” Rosalie and I both nodded. “Good, let’s go then.” With that, the three of us raced off to the main house to face whatever came next, bound to protect what some of our family was bent on destroying.

 Extra special thanks to @palmofafreezinghand for being an awesome beta for this and VI

[writteninvisibly]

A Reunion Of Sorts

A/N: :) SDB-verse my beloved

"Heads up!"

Bea looked up just in time to brace for the pizza skin spiraling toward her, left hand going up to spin the dough around, catching it and placing it on the screen. "You asshole."

Ada grinned and budged toward her just close enough to be heard over the oven without shouting across the store. "Check out the guy at Table Three. Could he be staring at you any harder?"

She snorted, shaking her head and saucing the pizza. "Yeah, whatever."

"Seriously. You should just tell him to take a picture, it would last longer."

Bea rolled her eyes, looking up finally to see the guy sitting at Table Three staring at her intently, but when she made eye contact with those piercing green eyes, he flushed and looked away.

"I dunno. He's kinda cute." There was something about him that seemed… familiar, but she just couldn't place it.

"You should give him something to look at. Put on a little show for him."

Bea shook her head and smacked Ada on the ass. "You mean like that?” A grin spread across her face as the other girl jumped and laughed loudly, quieting to snickers as the guy looked up again. “You are so annoying.” She glanced at him again, tongue pressed to the roof of her mouth as she thought. "I feel like I should know him for some reason, he seems super familiar."

"Weird. You should ask for his number, maybe give him a little somethin' somethin'."

"I hate you. You're the absolute worst. Also I'm so not single."

"Um, hey."

Bea's eyes shot up to see Table Three Guy standing in front of her. She wasn't single, but God he was hot. "Hi, how can I help you?" She gave him her best bright grin and customer service voice, confused when he grimaced slightly.

"Um. Bea?"

She blinked, surprised at the sound of her own name. "... Yes?"

"I'm, uh. Crap. I um. I wasn't expecting you not to recognize me. I'm, um? I'm Harper. Harper Edwards? We, um."

Bea's jaw dropped. "Harper?! Holy shit! You're lying. You’re lying to me. Oh my god how are you?!"

He smiled sheepishly, and oh, there goes Bea's heart. "Yeah, um." He cleared his throat and scratched at the back of his neck. "Yeah, I've been good. Just graduated with a double major, so it's nice to have that under my belt."

"Congratulations! That's great!"

"Yeah, uh. So what are you doing in town? I wouldn't, uh. Expect to see you here."

"Yeah, well. Leona and I, we live just outside of town? We never really… went anywhere. We liked it here, so we didn’t really see any reason to leave.”

“Oh.” His shoulders slumped a little bit, a tiny spark of hope fading just a little.

Bea’s heart hurt. She’d missed this stupid kid. She’d missed him so much, and-

She has a girlfriend! No matter how much she missed Harper, she had a girlfriend at home who was so hot and sexy and whom she loved very much. She had a girlfriend, and-

And her very hot and sexy girlfriend whom she loved very much had told her, late one night as they were curled up together in bed, years ago, that sometimes she thought about what it would have been like if Harper had been open to polyamory, and god wasn’t that something to think about....

Later. She would think about that later, at home with Leona, right now, she was going to find out how to reconnect with her high school boyfriend.

“Hey.” She pulled her phone out of her pocket and handed it across the counter to Harper. “Give me your number. Your mom told me you changed it, and I could never remember to ask her for it. We have to hang out sometime, catch up on everything.”

He eyed the phone warily, hesitant as he reached out to take it, typing in her password without a second thought. His adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed at the sight of Leona smiling brightly from the phone’s homescreen. “Sure thing.” He swiped through and opened the contacts app, knowing better than to open anything else. A flash. A memory, laughing, swatting Bea away and holding her phone up in the air, keeping it away from her as she jabbed at his side, trying to get him to fold. It hurt, his heart. An old ache, one he’d thought had healed by now. But it was fine. It was fine. “How are you guys doing, by the way?”

“Oh, you know. We’ve got some apple trees, a little strawberry patch. Leo likes to make jams for the farmer’s market.”

“No chickens?”

She grinned, bright and heartstopping.

Harper rubbed at his chest carefully, trying to tame the rhythm pounding behind his ribs.

“No chickens. Leo tried to convince me, but as you well know I have a very firm stance. We compromised with a dairy cow. She’s still little, we didn’t get her that long ago, but I’d die for her.”

“What did you name her?”

His eyes were soft as he asked the question, and Bea’s foot began tapping the floor, trying to release some of the tension seizing her body. “Bubba. She’s a cutie. You should come over some time, we can introduce you!”

“Yeah, well. Give me a text, I guess. I, uh. I’d better get going, I promised my mom I’d help her do some cleaning around the house.”

“Totally. I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah.” He gave her a small smile, waving to the girl standing behind her as he turned to go and pay his bill.

“Are you kidding me?”

Bea waited until her heart stopped pounding before turning to Ada, eyebrow raised in a question. “What?”

“Girl. What the hell was that?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” She cleared her throat and squinted at the order screen, disappointed to see it empty, nothing waiting to distract her from that moment.

“Yes, you do. Did you know that guy?”

“Uh. Yeah, yeah I did. That was, uh. That was my… ex.”

“WHAT?!”

Bea winced, shoulders creeping toward her ears as she cringed away from the noise. “Can you not?”

“You dated that guy?!”

“In high school, yeah. I haven’t seen him in… years.”

“No no, we’re not moving past this. You dated him?! That guy? Mr. ‘Perfect-Stubble-Lumberjack’ that you just talked to?”

“Yeah. What’s the big deal?”

“Okay, I was joking earlier, but genuinely. You have to hit that. That guy was practically screaming ‘I love you’ with those stupid big green eyes of his. And he was hot. If you don’t get down and dirty with that guy, I will never forgive you. Never.”

“You’re fucking dumb.” Bea busied herself prepping an order of breadsticks, needing something to do with her hands. Some way to get rid of the tension riddling her body. “I’m not single, dude.”

“Well I am. What’s his name?”

“Fuck off. Ada.” Bea grabbed her arm, jaw clenched. “I’m serious, that guy… I just- he’s- please. He’s not your type, I promise.”

---

“Good morning.” Bea stepped through the door with a sigh, pausing to drop a kiss on Leona’s forehead as she passed through the living room on her way to the bathroom.

“Good morning.” Leona laughed softly and turned into the feeling, eyes following Bea’s retreating form with a smile as she dogeared a page in her book. She tucked her legs up underneath her, turning in the armchair to watch as Bea splashed water on her face, taking her hair out of a braid. “How was work?”

“Tragically slow.” She gave her a strained smile over her shoulder before hesitating, fingers stilling in her hair. “I, uh… I saw Harper today.”

“Edwards? Like, your ex?”

“Yep. I guess… I guess he’s in town. He said he graduated just recently with a double major.”

“In what?”

“Dunno.” She shrugged.”I was so busy focusing on the fact that I didn’t recognize him at first, I didn’t think to ask.”

“Hmm.” She set the book aside and rose from the chair, drifting over to give the other girl a kiss. Her nose wrinkled. “You smell like pizza.”

Bea snorted and pinched Leona in the side. “Jerk.”

“Well how was he?”

“Good, I think. I mean, he seemed good. He, uh. He grew up a lot, he’s got, like, almost a beard going on now, so that’s… That sure is… something.” She stepped away to start the shower and strip off her shirt, grimacing as a cloud of flower rose once it hit the floor. “God, I smell gross.” She rested her head on Leona’s shoulder, making a noise of protest and wriggling away as the other girl tried to stroke her hair. “Stop, I’m all sweaty.”

Leona rolled her eyes and felt around behind her for the counter, hopping up and letting her heels bump against the cabinet. “So what about it?”

Bea shrugged, eyes pinned to a spot on the floor, distant. “I dunno. Just thought it was interesting I saw him.”

“Uh huh. And there was absolutely no ulterior motive in telling me about it?”

She blinked, refocusing, and looked up at Leona to pout, “Can’t I just tell my girlfriend about the things that happened at work today just because I love her?”

“Well, no, you definitely can do that. But you can also tell your girlfriend about how you saw your ex-boyfriend that you’ve somewhat regretted breaking up with from day one at work, and how suddenly you’re a little more distant than usual, and not in the way you usually are just from coming home tired.” She drew her legs up, folding them underneath her and leaning back against the counter, ducking her head in an attempt to make Bea meet her eyes. “So? Do we wanna try this again, but this time you actually tell me what you’re thinking?”

“I don’t know what I’m thinking.” Bea sighed and slid down the wall, drawing her knees up to her chest, eyes unfocused like her brain was moving a mile a minute. “I don’t know what to tell you, I really don’t.” She squeezed her eyes shut, scrubbing at her face, before looking up at Leona. “Leo, I didn’t recognize him. He goes away to college for what, three,1 four years, and then when he comes back, I don’t even know what his face looks like anymore? That boy was my best friend in elementary school, and then we dated for a year and a half, and then he went off to college, and now I don’t even know what he looks like. What the fuck.”

“Honey?”

“Yeah?” Bea’s eyes had gone distant again without her even realizing it, and when she blinked back into focus, Leona had a small smile on her face, but her eyes looked… sad.

“The shower’s warm.”

“Oh. Right.” She didn’t move for a long moment, taking a moment to reorient herself, trying to convince her body to stand.

“Need help?”

She hesitated, trying to communicate the stand up command to her legs before sighing and giving up. “Yeah, please.”

“Come here.” Leona hopped off the counter and held out a hand to her girlfriend, pulling her to her feet and slipping her thumbs through the belt loops above her hips. She pressed a gentle kiss to Bea’s bare shoulder, humming softly as the other girl rested her forehead in the crook of her neck. “You know I love you, right? No matter what?”

“I know.”

The answer was soft, barely loud enough to be heard, but Leona tightened her hands at the other girl’s waist all the same. “Okay. Go get in the shower, I’ll make you some food, and then once you’re done we can talk about this some more, alright?”

“Okay.” Quiet again, almost like Bea couldn’t make her voice any louder. She sighed and drew back slightly, giving Leona a kiss, swaying just a bit as her eyes closed. “I’m fucking exhausted.”

“Yeah, seems like it’s been one of those days.”

Bea laughed, a noise that sounded like it startled from her chest, her eyes opening. “It’s certainly been a day.”

Leona smiled, then swatted at her, “Get in the damn shower, you’re wasting water.”

“Okay, okay! I’m going! Jeez.”

She smiled and stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her and leaning against it with a sigh. She rubbed at her eyes, thinking about bright green eyes and strawberry blonde hair, and the boy that had been a part of her girlfriend’s heart for as long as she could remember. If nothing else, this was certainly going to be an adventure.

Taglist: @aeolus-x @ellfewritings

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Why So Jaded? Chapter 2

And here we go, part 2. In case you missed it. Part 1 AO3 FFN 

Chapter 2

A decade can be a long time.

That much time can change a person, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse and sometimes it just makes you grow up, mature you and give you perspective.

A decade ago, Bartholomew Maximillian Pine aka Buddy Pine- had built an empire fueled by his hatred and resentment for Supers and more importantly Mr. Incredible. He had become successful, powerful, on a scale beyond imagination. His creations helped topple governments, weaponize vast armies and made him more money then he could ever hope to spend in a thousand lifetimes. And with Mirage by his side, he had it all at the relatively young age age of 21.

A decade ago, Violet Parr was coming to terms with her powers, was coming into her own and finding her footing in life. She was learning to bear the load that all Supers carry.

But a decade can be a long time.

In a decade, you can see the empire you built be turned against you in a flash before it's dismantled into pieces that can never be put back together again and the people who you thought you could trust turn on you then leave you and realize their own agendas before you found yourself trying to start over and rebuild with some of the pieces you had managed to scrape together. No small feat and one made harder by extensive injuries, in not just a physical sense, but a mental and emotional and physiological sense as you attempt to rebuild yourself just as much as you rebuild your empire. Letting go of old grudges and hate in an effort to accept change and the present in order to have a future. And that is where Buddy Pine had currently found himself.

And a decade can be a long time.

In a decade you can see things that make you question yourself, your morals, your loyalties, your career and sense of right and wrong. Make you resent the burden placed on you by your parents, by your siblings and peers, your superiors, by everyone around you, and worse, make you resent the very ones who put that burden there. You got to see first hand how the world was rarely black and white and everything was a shade of gray and how even when you want to do the right thing and try to do the right thing, no good deed goes unpunished. You're struck and reminded over and over again by how profoundly fickle it all was. And how you can rise to popularity one moment and fall the next, like the waves of the sea, rising and falling and rising again as cycles began anew and how even the most altruistic super has their price. And more importantly, what yours was. You learned who your true friends were, as well as your enemies. And most importantly that the only one you could truly count on was yourself when you get pushed past your breaking point several times over and who you needed to pull you back from the edge over and over again. You become jaded and disillusioned yet worldly and discerning from your experiences and recognize patterns and cycles remarkably well. When you see enough shit go down and get covered up and how when people are wealthy and powerful enough, or hell, even talented, famous or important enough they can get away with literal murder if not atrocities that would make God himself shudder. You learn that justice was a joke but vengeance was attainable if not valid and very understandable, if not sympathetically so. Which can sadly- make you even more valuable and sought after and you become the best at what you do, even when you had no intention of being so. Until you realized you didn't have to play by anyone's rules except your own, in fact, you didn't have to play their little game at all and sometimes the smartest thing was to walk away when you had had enough and your sense of self preservation was the biggest instinct you cultivated in yourself and was sometimes the only thing that kept you alive.

That's where Violet found herself now. Not necessarily at a crossroads, but simply a spot on a map. She had been pulled back into this Super world a little over a year ago but it was supposed to be her last job. It was supposed to be an easy one, a babysitter post for a genius, billionaire playboy that had taken Buddy's place in the weaponized technology field. Only the big difference was Buddy did this all on his own, while her current employer had bought some of the pieces of Buddy's empire and was very much at the powers that be- beckon call and he was a master at catering to all of them so that he had no governmental resistance or interference world wide. So that the only ones in his way was his competition in his various markets from technology, science, medicine and most lucratively- weapons and while his ego was huge, it wasn't as haughty as Buddy's had been and if Violet had placed a bet, she would say he was a low grade Super himself, only his power was the charm and disarm anyone and gain their trust and help them feel safe so they turned vulnerable and honest and even she was not completely immune to him and his powers. It's how he learned who her true identity was and was able to get to know the real her as well as he did, or more importantly, as well as he thought he did. But for every take, there is a give because she in turn, got to learn more about him than anyone else did and thus, bred their closeness that they both got to enjoy and Phillip had sworn on his life and the lives of his family, that he would never betray her as long as she never betrayed him.

Phillip Edward Sebastian the Fifth was a European Aristobrat who had turned his family's modest fortune but grand history to his absolute advantage and with smart investing and playing the stock market, he had used that modest fortune to turn it into unimaginable wealth and power and was now on the cutting edge of all things weapons, electronics, medicine and far beyond and he had asked for Violet in particular because of her history with espionage, corporate and otherwise and the like. He was willing to pay her 15 times more for her services as his handler than he had offered anyone else and in just the short year she had been working with him, she had risen through the ranks, and was now not just as his right hand woman and personal assistant and she was a one woman security detail who he trusted with his life, his privacy, his confidence and confidentiality because of her skillset and ability. And once her own bank accounts swelled to the point that she used her former mentor's own financial staff to make sure that even in the worst case scenarios, her safety nets had safety nets and she had back up plans for her back up plans and contingency plans for her contingency plans several layers deep and learned to buy stocks in what he bought and sold what he sold on her own since he never hid that information from her and through that alone, she was one of the more independently wealthy Superheroes and she ensured that not just herself but her family would be safe and taken care of, which, in the grand scheme of things, was all she ever wanted and cared about. So she was happy and content, for now. That's why Violet could easily retire after this job. Plus she still collected her super hero paycheck. She wasn't the only one getting two paychecks for the same work, if not multiple checks.

And Phillip had always been the ideal employer, sure he had his own trust issues and paranoia, not to mention, his own daredevil antics and recklessness. But he respected her boundaries because she respected his and their relationship worked as beautifully and seamlessly as it did because they respected each other and Phillip treated her better than he treated everyone else because he knew that Violet, ultimately- didn't want or need him or his money or power and didn't ask too many questions because she didn't need to know the answers and kept her personal life very separated from her work life and didn't judge and kept her opinions to herself as closely as she kept her head and her wits. Which were all things he respected, admired and even adored and their relationship even blossomed enough to include certain "benefits" and Violet was the only one who could use Phillip as her personal fuck toy without the hassle and mess of a committed, monogamous romantic relationship and that kind of emotional entanglements even though Phillip still held out hope that at the end of her "servitude" she would stay with him because he had grown to rely so much on her and it would take a team of a hundred people to do what she did for him and do it as flawlessly as she did.

Before this job, Violet had disappeared in the far east- Hong Kong specifically, with a large city of over seven million, it was easy to disappear into but easy enough to spot agents from a mile away. She figured her superiors spent at least a million dollars trying to find her and once they did, they made her an offer she couldn't refuse and found, and named, and gave- her price, as their most highly sought after and paid agent. She was 24 now and would retire in just two more years at the age of 26 into a very comfortable life as a multimillionaire. But even she had to admit, the urge to do Super work had been getting to her while she had disappeared before The Agency had tracked her down since she had been 'in the wind' for over a year after a particularly brutal assignment gone to shit. But saving people and being a hero, even an invisible one, was an itch that most Supers, even when under ban, was impossible not to scratch. Her father was living proof of that. But she had learned from her parent's mistakes. She had learned to be careful. But being careful and playing it safe, while inherently easy for her, was getting mundane. She had taken up a few hobbies, learned a few languages along with some invaluable skills so that she could, in theory, go anywhere and support herself and blend in with any crowd and she was lucky that while she was in Phillip’s employment, she could still do a few hero jobs of her choice on the side and Phillip’s technology had made those jobs a breeze. But she was smart enough to not become dependent on any of the technology provided to her, either by The Agency or Phillip.

Invisigirl tapped on a screen as she flew her secret spy plane back to Spain to contact her employer, Mr. Phillip Sebastian.

"Do you have a report Vi?" Phillip asked.

"Yes, Mr. Pine himself has taken the nanochip, just like you predicted and is on multiple cameras doing so, he took both baits so I'm now en-route to you." Violet answered as she took off her mask and tied her hair up, revealing flawless makeup under the mask as her lipstick changed from an ultra violet to match her suit to a soft dusty rose on her pouty lips.

"What are the chances that he will follow?" Phillip furthered.

"At this point, medium to high." Violet estimated with a shrug as the plane achieved the proper altitude for a transatlantic flight.

"Excellent. Well we have him dead to rights, so he's as good as ours anyway." Phillip grinned victoriously as he rewatched the feed.

"So hopefully that objective can be fulfilled sooner than later," Violet assumed.

"We will talk about that when you get back, see you in a few hours." He placated.

"Understood," Violet said as she closed the channel since the plane was on auto pilot. She wanted to get changed into civilian attire and hopefully get a chance to relax and possibly take a nap before she would have to play babysitter again as she popped a few pills of very high level painkillers that would make Oxycodone look like children's Tylenol.

Meanwhile Buddy had made his escape and had arrived back at his compound, a different island this time since the 'authorities' literally blew up the last one. But while Buddy was getting a bit desperate, he wasn't stupid. He installed the nanochip into an ordinary laptop that wasn't connected in any way to the internet in case there was some kind of signal embedded. Fifteen seconds later he found himself staring at a melting piece of trash on fire before he put the fire out.

"And that's why we don't just hook things up into the system." He muttered aloud as he retrieved the other nano chip, the one that was on the left, he had taken both, just in case she was leading him astray. He picked up the dead computer with thick work gloves and simply dumped it into the trash and retrieved another, turning it on and repeating the process. This time, it worked perfectly.

"Well, it appears you didn't steer me wrong, this time," he mused as he retrieved the nanochip and put it into his system. Since the 'incident' aka him almost being completely shredded by a jet engine, his ability to create new technology had been hindered greatly. But he could reverse engineer anything and make it better, and that was his intention now. Once he had all the specs down it would be difficult to put the nanochip back along with another dummy one but not impossible.

Except when he came back a week later, it was a trap. The moment he opened that safe, there were more guards on him than he could count coming almost out of nowhere. He was immediately detained in a holding cell in the basement of the building and stripped of all his gear but thankfully they still let him keep his original clothes on.

Buddy wondered who would be coming, would it be the local police? The FBI? The CIA? He ended up waiting a few days when Phillip Sebastian came in himself.

"Good morning Mr. Bartholomew Maximillian Pine, I understand that you like to go by "Buddy" less formal." Phillip greeted formally with a smug smirk on his handsome face.

"Good morning Mr. Sebastian," Buddy mirrored warily as he looked down to see the hairs on his arm raise as if the static electricity in the room was getting charged as he wondered if Invisigirl was with Phillip, in fact he would bet on it as he glanced at the space around Phillip to see if he could see any distortions and he couldn't see any but he could sense her the way he could sense Mirage in the past, the way she had taught him to anyway, and realized Invisigirl was so close to him, he could reach out and touch her if he tried but he got the sense she had an invisible weapon targeted at his head and knew that if he attempted to, he'd be dead by the time he made contact with her. His heart still stung at Mirage's betrayal which had hurt him the worst and when he was seen how she married some other billionaire playboy, it had dumped his ass into one of the worst depressions of his life and almost completely broke him, but the lessons she taught him were invaluable and he was finding himself grateful for them right in this moment.

"Mr. Pine, you are either really smart or really stupid, you had the nanochip, why didn't you just keep it? Why risk putting it back?" Phillip inquired curiously.

"I need a lawyer," Buddy answered firmly.

"Why? You're not under arrest. The authorities haven't been called, however if you don't cooperate with me I will be forced to contact them but for now, let's leave them out of this." Phillip said dismissively.

"What do you want?" Buddy asked wearily.

"I want you to work for me, not against me." Philip answered simply.

"I refuse to work for anyone but myself." Buddy defied.

"Are you sure you don't want to reconsider? You would have your own lab and assistants and an unlimited budget, you could set your own hours and have some say so in your own salary and have access to all the compounds and technology you could ever dream of." Phillip proposed. "You would even earn a high percentage of all sales of whatever you create in collaboration with SEB Enterprises, you'll even get press for IRize and all your other little corporations, shells or no and more opportunities for your collaboration with me and my company and all of my associates and other collaborators, of which we share a surprising amount of them." Phillip generously offered.

"So what's the catch?" Buddy asked with a subtle tilt of his head in Invisigirl's direction and just barely registered the feel of his hair brush up against something. She was right next to him and his gut feeling told him she had a weapon was pointed at his head as he felt her withdraw just a little to keep from getting too close.

"You will have to work for me for a minimum of 3 years. You will stay on campus at all times unless accompanied by a security detail and you will be monitored at all times in all things." Phillip informed him solemnly. "So it's either this or some high security super prison for 20-life. Because the evidence against you is pretty damning." Phillip specified.

"Can you give me some time to think it over?" Buddy inquired.

"Of course, take all the time you need, simply knock on the door when you've made a decision." Phillip replied as he got up and left the room as Buddy watched the hairs on his forearms lay back down before another meal was delivered to him, this time it was breakfast. At least Phillip knew how to treat a guest. Even a detained one, because Buddy wasn't in shackles and was being fed decent food at least and his little one room cell, while bare, was surprisingly comfortable.

Three hours later Buddy knocked on the door and a few minutes later Phillip came in, ready to hear his answer.

"I'll do it, however I have a few conditions of my own." Buddy started and was pleased to see Phillip nod.

"I want everything in writing, I want my criminal activity erased." Buddy began.

"Of course, my lawyers are writing our contract up as we speak and any and all evidence against you and IRise will be destroyed and dissolved within the hour. Anything else?" Phillip reassured him.

"I will only work for you for two years, no more," Buddy specified.

"Five years then because you want to negotiate the time frame. Or that 20-life in a super max prison." Phillip countered.

"Ok fine, three years it is." Buddy huffed.

"Agreed." Phillip said as he held out his hand for a handshake. Buddy took it and shook firmly as he could have sworn he heard a huff nearby. The two left the room and walked to an elevator where a secretary was waiting for them. Her hair up in a bun and her gray business jacket accentuated her tulip skirt with patterned hose and killer heels along with a pair of glasses that helped her see things most eyes could not as she used her stylus like a pen.

"Everything is ready Mr. Sebastian, the notary is already in conference room 12A." She informed him as she continued to work on an electronic pad diligently.

"Excellent, thank you Ms. Parr," Phillip replied in thanks before turning to Buddy. "Mr. Pine, I believe you already know my colleague and associate Miss Violet Parr." Phillip gestured before getting on the elevator that opened once they approached.

Buddy had to do a double take, he hadn't recognized her, she was standing right in front of him and she might as well have been invisible at first. However, now that he really looked at her and took notice, she was stunning. Like just...knock out gorgeous, should have been a model herself kind of beautiful. Even she could effortlessly rock the sexy assistant look but now that he saw her, he couldn't quite make himself look away. She was gorgeous even with glasses and just as breathtaking out of her suit as she had been in it and most likely, just as lethal. And just like that, those butterflies were back in his stomach, fluttering away.

"Yes, we are already too well acquainted," Violet answered as she stepped on the elevator herself, standing on one side of Phillip, using him like a shield between her and Buddy as she continued to work on her tablet and actively ignored him.

"Well I don't know about that," Buddy answered with a smirk before he could feel static electricity instantly build within the elevator as the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck rose again. Ha, he got her tell.

"Easy," Phillip warned Violet, his tone surprisingly gentle. Violet exhaled in a huff and Buddy felt static electricity lull, the rest of the ride was in silence, the only sound, their breathing and the dinging of the elevator. Buddy noticed her breathing was noticeably huffy and almost labored while Phillip's was calm and even until they reached the twelfth floor before Violet was the first to cross the threshold before the doors fully opened, walking quickly while Phillip walked in tandem with Buddy as Phillip subtly studied Buddy's reactions to Violet.

Violet led the way to the conference room, she tapped her ID card against a reader and the door opened, revealing a notary and three lawyers, one of them being Buddy’s. All sitting at the table in the middle of the room with stacks of paperwork around them as Buddy was allowed to have some private council with his own lawyer who basically confirmed that it was either this or super max prison before they sat down to negotiate more terms of the contract.

Buddy wasn't an idiot, he read each and every single line on those contracts before signing them.

And it took four hours, a bottle of scotch, lunch and a whole variety of snack and dessert trays.

Violet looked like she wanted to die of boredom despite playing a game on her tablet for most of it and couldn't get out of there fast enough when it was all over, signed and notarized by everyone. Another assistant came to escort Buddy to his new 'apartment' which had already been filled with his things that were taken from his new compound while Phillip and Violet retreated to Phillips office.

"Well I am so glad that didn't take too long," Violet drawled sarcastically as she crashed on the comfy couch in his office after kicking her heels off. Phillip chuckled as he tossed her a bottle of water from his mini fridge in his desk and smiled when she caught it with ease.

"He's still smart, he wanted to make sure I wasn't taking him for a complete fool," Phillip countered as he took a long pull from his own water bottle as he idly watched her stretch and relax as she reclined on his couch in a very unladylike pose, with her feet up on the arm of the couch. But he loved the fact that she felt so comfortable around him and could just be herself rather than the super secret agent she felt she had to play with him. She could just be when she was alone with him and he liked it that way. No pretenses or anything like that.

"Do you think he'll honor the contract? Or do you think he'll run the first chance he gets?" Violet inquired.

"Oh I think as long as you're around, he'll stay right here. He looked at you at least a dozen times an hour, every move you made, he tried to catch." Phillip began as he glanced at Violet who had rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Speaking of which, I have a new assignment for you, I want you to be the liaison between him and I until the end of your contract." Phillip proposed.

"Hell no," Violet immediately spat as she gave him a dirty glare.

"Oh come on, all that means is you see him once a day for only a few minutes all the days we're stateside. Make sure he has everything he needs to keep him focused and relay messages back and forth," Phillip specified.

"That's what email is for." Violet retorted.

"But email is so impersonal," Phillip playfully argued in a mock complaint.

"That's exactly it, I don't want to have to deal with him any more than I absolutely have to. He did try to kill me as a child. What kind of monster purposefully kills kids? I'll tell you. Him. He's that monster. He tried to kill me, my family and kidnap Jack..," She began to go into a seething rant.

"And take over the world, yeah I know, I was there- but, that was a lifetime ago, clearly everyone involved has changed. I mean you saw him, the man is just one failed attempt away from completely imploding. And the fact that he was desperate enough to steal from me himself says a lot." He reminded her, keeping her from going into her full blown rant because he didn't want to rearrange his office...again.

"I still don't understand why he would stoop that low," Violet admitted as she thought that over again.

"I think he lost a spark ," Phillip conjectured. Violet raised a curious brow at his choice of words. "Writers and artists have muses, engineers have sparks." Phillip explained as he came over and sat on the couch with her before he nestled her head into his lap so she could look up at him.

"But if he's lost his spark, he's no good to you, it's been a decade, surely if he was going to get his 'spark ' back, don't you think he would have gotten it back by now?" Violet questioned.

"He's searching for it, pretty hard, I've been keeping him under surveillance for the last several years once he was recognized by my software. A man can only tinker so long." Phillip soothed as he began to pet her head to calm her down further.

"So he's either going to find it with you or die trying," Violet guessed.

"Exactly, besides, I know your past with him makes this especially hard and I am so proud of you for doing your best to put that aside and try to be professional and not kill him where he stands right now. But it's you who will have the last word in the matter. It's you who will get to decide if he lives or dies after his contract is up and inherit everything he has when we're done with him. Why do you think that contract included you as his heir apparent? Because once he dies, you and your family will get due recompense for everything he's done, he owes you and your family that much at least. You can put your big girl panties on and suck it up for two years. Then you get to spend that third year devising all the ways you want to torture him to death if you still want him dead after." Phillip soothed her as he started to pet her head, letting his own super ability lull her into a peaceful state, which worked extra strongly when he was able to touch her as she rolled over and faced him and took a deep, cleansing breath and mulled it over as she simply closed her eyes and soaked up this attention from him before she seemed to come to her own decision.

"You know, if I didn't know any better I would think you were an evil mastermind," Violet teased with a smug grin as she opened her eyes and tilted her head to look up at him.

"Hey now. Keep it to yourself, Edna hasn't finished my super villain suit yet," Phillip countered teasingly, causing Violet to glare at him, unimpressed by that dig. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding," Phillip placated with his hands up in defeat.

"You better be, ass," Violet grumbled.

"So will you take the job or not?" Phillip asked.

"You're going to have to up my salary again, make it worth my while." Violet insisted.

"I'll match his salary 200% as your bonus salary as long as both of you are in my employment- for the "suffering" of having to deal with him and be our liaison. And to really sweeten it, how about….oh, how about I give you a percentage of whatever he touches." Phillip offered.

"Twenty percent," Violet started.

"Ouch, no, I'm thinking 10 at the most," Phillip frowned.

"Fine, fifteen, same as Mr. Pine's percentage." Violet rebutted firmly.

"Deal," Phillip agreed. "And you start now," Phillip stipulated as he offered his hand for a shake and by now Violet knew that his handshake was as good as any contract, even one written in blood before he leaned down and kissed her sweetly.

"Fine," Violet caved before gave his gut a light playful punch that was barely a tap which made him recoil and hold his gut like she had really sucker punched him as his face scrunched up in pain which caused her to laugh which in turn made him beam a proud smile at her.

"And I want it in writing by the time I get back." Violet insisted.

"Of course," He nodded in agreement.

"And you still owe me dinner because lunch sucked." Violet reminded him as she slipped back into her heels before going down to a different lab and got the appropriate hardware for Buddy and made her way to Buddy's floor, using her key card to get to the floor, since his floor wasn’t shown on the elevator and she had to press two floors and press her keycard to the reader to get to it. She thought it was ridiculous that he would have more than a bed and a lab let alone an entire floor full of equipment and an apartment that rivaled most penthouses but Phillip wanted to give Buddy every opportunity to succeed by making sure he stayed comfortable.

She came into the lab to see him already at work. She knocked on a countertop to make her presence known so as not to startle him.

"How come you couldn't do that before?" Buddy asked wryly as he looked over at her as he was still putting things away in the lab section of the floor.

"Because you weren't supposed to know I was there. We have a few details we need to discus Mr. Pine." Violet began as she watched him pause and turn to face her to give her his complete attention before he started walking towards her and joined her at the island.

"First, you are never to address me as anything other than Ms. Parr and you will always conduct yourself in the utmost professional manner when dealing with me or any other employee, partner or associate of SEB Industries. I am your liaison to Mr. Sebastian himself so if there anything in particular that you need regarding your living and your work you can tell me. These are yours, your phone has been cloned into this before it was put to sleep, you can retrieve it once your contract is up." Violet stated as she held up the phone and the tablet before putting them down on the counter and sliding them towards him. "My number is under speed dial one and is only supposed to be used in emergencies and for vital business needs and inquires during reasonable business hours. And I swear to God if I get any flirtation from you or heaven forbid dick pics, I will personally cut your dick off and shove it down your throat and watch you choke on it before I throw your body into another jet engine turbine and feed your remains to the rats in the subway and then inherit everything you have and sell it off at auction to the highest bidder. Any information mining or manipulations by you will be met with the same treatment. Is that understood?" Violet specified as her gaze bored through him with a look that if it could kill, he would have been dead already.

"Yes Ma'am." Buddy nodded with a gulp.

"Now, while at SEB Industries we suggest little to no contact with the outside world other than of course the contact with various associates and colleagues to complete projects. However SEB does understand that there are certain 'needs' that only the outside world can satisfy." Violet explained as she cleared her throat and fought not to shudder and gag when she said 'needs'. "And those will be handled by the appropriate liaison which is not me. And that proper liaison is Leslie, she's on speed dial 2 who will also take care of anything outside of the normal business hours. Now, is there anything in particular you need or want at this time? Perhaps dinner?" She offered as she noticed the time.

"Dinner sounds great, as long as you will eat it with me," Buddy answered hopefully but she narrowed her eyes as he felt the static electricity build up again for a moment before she simply took a deep breath.

"Unfortunately I have prior engagements, but you do have access to a full kitchen in the apartment side of this floor that should be well stocked, and if it is lacking feel free to create a grocery list and I will have an assistant fulfill it. We also allow take out to be delivered although anything you receive will be subjected to inspection and scans. But there is a drawer next to your fridge full of menus of all the restaurants who deliver here or you could order something online. Do you understand the terms I have dictated?" She explained as explicitly as she could and as calmly and as professionally as she could because she had to swallow all the anger and rage she felt towards him down for now because it was her job. But if he dared cross the line, she had no qualms about ending him where he stood.

"Yes," Buddy confirmed with a nod.

"Do you have any questions?" Violet obligatorily asked.

"Are you free for dinner tomorrow?" Buddy asked before he saw her slip her metaphoric mask on more tightly.

"No. Good day Mr. Pine, good luck with your work," Violet coldly replied before turning and leaving her heels clicking in her wake.

Buddy smirked and went back to work. His own plan was working well.

[callunavulgari]

Year-In-Life | 2020

Or that annual New Year’s meme where I talk about what the year was like to live through. And since this is 2020 the read through below features: a whole lot of depression, frank discussion about losing my cat, and pictures of my face.

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? Lost my best friend. I lost a hamster when I was about ten, but other than that, I’ve never lost a pet before. Losing Mal was the worst thing about an already awful year. I have lost family members that I have mourned less than her. I am still fucked up about losing her, and probably will be for a long while yet. 

Things that I haven’t done before - 2020 edition - consists of extreme depression, global pandemics, wearing a mask if I’m not either at home or in my car, having covid, being in the ER twice in one year, cutting all carbs and losing sixty pounds, spending a weekend in Vegas (in January, obvs), gambling (and winning over a thousand dollars), and probably a lot of other things that I’ve blocked out. But it’s always going to be the year that I lost Mal.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Apparently, according to 2019 me, my resolutions were to lose weight and quit smoking. Which, strangely enough, I actually did. Who knew that going to the ER for heart issues at the age of 30 would scare me into switching some things up.So, yay! I kept my resolutions.

Resolutions for 2021 - lose the rest of the weight. End goal is only another 50 pounds away. Write something original if you can, but don’t stress if you can’t. Heal. Be happier. Breathe deep. Don’t do something you’ll regret.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? One of my coworkers had a kid earlier in the year, but nothing since.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Mal. 

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? No countries this year, because that is illegal. I did go to Las Vegas in January though, before the year turned into an absolute shitstorm. It was actually really wonderful, which I wouldn’t have expected out of Vegas. We watched our friends get married on the High Roller. Ate a lot of very good, but very expensive food. Gambled a bit and actually won money. Saw two Cirque du Soleil shows - the Beatles and water one. Saw the Bellagio fountains and maybe cried a little about it. It was really nice.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? Well, I didn’t get a ring and we didn’t get a house, but we also made the decision to not do that this year. We did however, get a better president, so that was nice. In 2021, I would like a little more serotonin and a little less anxiety. And I’m not gonna say a damn thing about a ring.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 20th, 2020. Any other dates don’t fucking matter. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I lost a ton of weight and quit smoking, hopefully for the last time. Covid didn’t kill me. I didn’t kill me. I know that sounds bad, but it was a really, really horrible year.

9. What was your biggest failure? I don’t know. Not being able to save her? Not knowing that the heart abnormality had gotten that bad? Not getting her on clot busters the minute we took care of the thyroid problem.  10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had Covid near the end of October and had regular illnesses a couple times throughout the year. I went to the ER in May for heart-related problems. And I’ve had debilitating headaches every single day since Covid, so. Yes. 11. What was the best thing you bought? We rescued a new kitten approximately four days after we lost Mal. It was too soon, I think, and if I could have done it again, I may have waited longer. But BMO was incredibly depressed after she passed and had basically stopped eating, so we were desperate. But I can’t regret getting her. She’s been the little bit of sunshine we’ve had since October.  12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I don’t know. Everyone and everything sucked this year. 13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? I don’t know, mine? I’ve come a long way this year in terms of weight loss and smoking and holding it together, but I’ve also sunken into the deepest hole that I’ve possibly ever been in since September. I will always be deeply frustrated by Nick’s mother and my mother, so that’s not really new. Everything sucked. Hopefully 2021 is better.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bullshit medical stuff. Turns out that two ER trips, countless doctor visits, and dental fuckery is really expensive. I did also go slightly crazy and bought Nick too many gifts this year, but in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t bad. Also planning on buying a relatively pricey comforter as soon as I’ve confirmed that I haven’t gotten it for Christmas. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I am going to be completely and totally serious when I say that I don’t think I’ve experienced true excitement since about February. I did get a very intense, brief spike of serotonin when I saw the new Dragon Age and Mass Effect trailers. But like. I don’t know. That’s kind of it. 

Okay, no, that’s a lie. I was happy to lose the weight I did and was super proud of myself and my health was phenomenal, but then Mal happened and covid happened and it’s hard to see the good things that happened this year when I feel this fucking horrible right now.

16. What song will always remind you of 2020? Toss a Coin to Your Witcher (because yeah, that was this year, fuck). Teeth. Don’t Get Me Wrong. The Untamed theme. Well, the entire Untamed soundtrack. Dance Monkey. We Won’t Be Falling. Promare soundtrack. Own Me. Into the Unknown. Monster. Waving Through a Window. Eurovision soundtrack. 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? So much more depressed. Which says a lot, because 2019 was not super great. ii. thinner or fatter? But hey, on the plus side my answer to this question is finally thinner. iii. richer or poorer? Probably around the same. Or maybe poorer? I had a lot in my savings last year that I had to dip into because of medical shit. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I’d done... anything. I wish I was allowed to leave my house without worrying about infecting myself or others. I wish that I had gone to the park more. I wish that I’d travelled. I wish that I’d written more. I wish I’d cooked more. I wish I’d worked out. Spent more time with my cat.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? God, I fucking wish I’d spent less time in my apartment.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? I don’t know. Nick’s family wants to have a big gathering since his grandpa might not be around next year? But the idea of that makes me super flinchey, for obvious reasons. I mean, I’m reasonably sure that the antibodies are still in our system, so we have a smaller chance of infection, but fuck. Also, large gatherings have been giving me anxiety, also for obvious reasons. 21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? I hope that we’re staying home. I want to make pirozki and spend the transition into the new year on my couch, maybe playing a video game, maybe napping. 22. Did you fall in love in 2020? Still love him. He got me through this year. I don’t think I could have done it alone. 23. Best month for you this year? January through March was not horrible. I can’t remember a definitive good month of the three, but January was Vegas, which was really good, so lets go with that.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2020? The Untamed (live action and anime), The Magicians, Guardian, various Watcher Entertainment segments, She-Ra (season 5!!!), The Haunting of Bly Manor, Over the Garden Wall, Leverage, Motherland: Fort Salem...

My favorite being The Untamed, hands down. Obviously.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think I have enough energy for hate at this point. I’m just tired.

26. What was the best book you read? Favorite was probably a tie between Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth, which works out well since they’re part of the same series. I really, really loved this series and am kind of sad that I have to wait until 2022 to get the third part of the trilogy. Top ten below, because why not.

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant

The Lost Future of Pepperharrow by Natasha Pulley

Something to Talk About by Meryl Wilsner

The Invisible Life of Addie Larue by V.E. Schwab

Return of the Thief by Megan Whalen Turner

Written in the Stars by Alexandria Bellefleur

The Last Sun (and it’s sequel) by K.D. Edwards

The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Toss a Coin to Your Witcher has singlehandedly escorted me through 2020. Basically all the songs listed a couple questions up were my favorites of the year, but the Untamed soundtrack was probably my favorite. Promare soundtrack was also bomb af.

28. What did you want and got? Nick’s mom bought us nice bookshelves when we moved into the new place.

29. What did you want but didn’t get? A lot of things. Namely, I wish Mal was still with me.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Promare, 100% Most of the other movies I watched were all rewatches. I watched My Neighbor Totoro, Onward, Knives Out, Emma, and that Eurovision movie. They were all pretty swell.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I wrapped presents on the living room floor and watched Last Christmas, which I thought was just a rom-com Christmas movie but surprised the hell out of me at the reveal that her love interest was dead the whole time? Like? That came out of left field. We then had a very quiet lunch at the Lantern, the Chinese place we go every year, and ducked into Oakland Nursery and Barnes and Noble long enough to grab some plants and books. I also got to see the Easton Christmas tree from across the street. It was snowing and honestly, a really pretty day. Oh, also I had to go to the dentist. That was less fun.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I’d been able to keep Mal. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? I wore a lot of comfortable work appropriate clothes and pajamas. My clothes don’t really fit me anymore since I lost all the weight, but I refuse to buy more until I’m actually at my goal weight. 34. What kept you sane? Nick was very helpful every time I had an anxiety attack and/or broke down crying. It could have been a lot worse, probably, but I literally cannot wrap my mind around that right now. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Every single actor in the Untamed live action is unfairly gorgeous, especially Wang Yibo and Xiao Zhan. Also, Henry Cavill was a shockingly good casting for Geralt and needs to be grimey all the time because he is a LOT more attractive when it looks like he hasn’t showered in three weeks. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 20156789 2020—– This has literally been my response since 2015. Here’s to hoping that it won’t be my response in 2021. Also, children in concentration camps? Lying to the public about the pandemic? The race riots that happened earlier in the year? Literally everything else? This year has been fucking awful. 37. Who did you miss? Mal. Myself when I’m not feeling like this. 38. Who was the best new person you met? Annie. New coworker, delightful lady. If the pandemic was not a thing I definitely would have already gotten drinks with her after work.

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: Uh. Annie is a delightful person and brought me and Nick food when we were wasting away with covid. She also gave us toilet paper when we ran out after all the assholes in the entire country bought all the toilet paper in March/April. 

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year:

This is me in like... February? I think? In public. Without a mask. I have lots of pictures of me in January, but all of them have someone else with me.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year:

Taken on my birthday, snatched just outside the doors of Barnes & Noble with the Easton tree across the street. Note the mask dangling from my ear.

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Okay, so like. Two things. One- I had a meal in Vegas, that was fucking amazing. Actually I had a couple of those. Let me see if I can find pictures. Okay, so below are the two best meals I have eaten this year. The top is a butternut squash and pistachio ravioli, which came with this sweet butter sauce and it was so. fucking. good. Like, I have craved this thing since January. The bottom is the beef wellington at Gordon Ramsey’s Hell’s Kitchen. Which was... overpriced, but admittedly still delicious. I could have lived off that damn ravioli though.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? My birthday was actually pretty okay, all things considered. The snow was magical and I felt solidly okay for most of the day. Other than that, all of the nights in Vegas were great.

44. What are you excited for next year? So, the message to me from 2019 me for this question is about how I was really sad on December 26th of 2019 and that I hoped that 2020 would be the year that we “seized life by the horns or whatever” and like. Baby. 2019 me. I realize your depression was valid, but holy fuck, my sweet summer child it got so much worse. Though, I guess technically I did seize life by the horns for a bit. And then September hit like a bag of bricks.

Anyway, I am cautiously optimistic and hopeful that the transition of power to Biden goes smoothly. I’m hoping that things get better and not worse. I’m excited for several books, movies, and games, but mostly, I’m hoping that things are better. 

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: My message from last year was this:

“I feel like my message from last year is fucking taunting me. Legit though, this is not the worst thing you’ve ever been through. You have a boyfriend who loves you, two wonderful cats that better not fucking die anytime soon, and like, I don’t know, working ovaries. A job. A car. An apartment that has a kind of shitty kitchen and a bath tub that might as well not exist, but is still an apartment! Which is more than some people have!”

Thanks 2019 Heather. It got worse. (Though admittedly, and knock on fucking wood, but 2019 me is right. It could technically still get worse. But I have hope that it won’t.)

My valuable life lesson in the year of 2020: Life sucks. Keep your head on straight. Mourn your dead and love your living like you’ll never see them again. Live life like you could die tomorrow. And don’t take the little things for granted. 46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: I am going to make it through this year If it kills me - This Year, The Mountain Goats

(2018 me apparently quoted Singing in the Rain. 2019 quoted something sad and pretentious. 2020 me is just tired and clinging to life by my damn fingernails.)

First Fandom of 2020: January of 2020 seems to have been solidly The Magicians, The Witcher, and The Untamed. Favorite Main Character of 2020: Wei Wuxian, fuck. Favorite Villain of 2020: Wei Wuxian, fuck. Close second if that doesn’t apply - Xue Yang. Favorite M/F Couple of 2020: Does Parker/Elliot/Hardison count? Because them, holy fuck. Also, female!Byleth/Jeritza. Favorite F/F Couple of 2020: Catra and Adora!!!!! Ahhhhh!!!! Er. Also, Harrow/Gideon.  Favorite M/M Couple of 2020: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji. Close second is probably Ryan/Shane. Fandom That You Never Expected To Get Into: Honestly, probably the Untamed. I’m not usually crazy about live actions, but fuck, it was good. Fandom That Made An Unexpected Comeback: Buzzfeed Unsolved/Watcher. Also, in the last month I have been all over Mark/Damien(/Sam) from the Bright Sessions because I just listed to Neon Darkness. Fandom That Inspired The Most Crack: Yeah, idk. There’s crack in every fandom. Last Fandom of 2020: Buzzfeed Unsolved. And honestly, I’m still not out of The Untamed.  Favorite Fandom of 2020: Definitely the Untamed. Dipping into the Witcher was also nice.