#and driving people to take such extreme actions as getting an abortion

[official-virtual-hug-dealer]

Whenever I see someone posting about banning abortion, just one question comes to mind:

What do you propose to make sure that no one should be desperate enough to do something drastic like that?

[dfortrafalgar]

a quick message

hi, i wanted to bring something up real quick. i got a message in my inbox a few days ago that made me pretty uncomfortable, too uncomfortable to answer it in public, but i still wanted to say something after giving it some thought

regarding IMLY

i am pro choice. i always have been. and in no way shape or form did i want this fic to be some sort of pro-life symbol because that's not who i am. i am pro choice which means i believe that women have the right to decide what to do with their own bodies. if a woman wants to have her tubes tied, get an abortion, or get a hysterectomy, then that is HER decision. if a woman decides she wants to be child free, that is HER decision. and i am a huge advocate for that. being pro choice coincides with my feelings on adequate access to reproductive healthcare and education for women. these things go hand-in-hand to me.

i also wanted to bring up the subject of natural birth real quick. i do not think c-sections are "cheating." a c-section birth is just as much a birth as a "natural" (vaginal) one.

this fic is the ideal for ME, not the standard. i understand that most twins are born via c-section, and i understand that some women decide not to have children after undergoing miscarriages. these are all things that fall under the pro choice mindset. this fic came from a personal place for ME, and i just happened to share it on the internet

if i was put into the situation where my fertility treatment led me to having twins and the best course of action was a c-section, then i would chose the c-section, but that wouldn't be MY first choice. for some women, that IS their first choice. for some women, a vaginal birth is their ONLY choice. do you see what i'm getting at here?

also, im bisexual. i do not think that heterosexual marriages and families are the Societal Standard. lesbian women can have babies. gay men can have babies. trans men can have babies. no matter how one goes about having a child, it is POSSIBLE. if you have a uterus and the capacity to get pregnant, it is your body and your choice and your life to live.

im honestly a bit heartbroken. again, i'm not going to post this ask because it made me extremely uncomfortable, but i want to make all of this very, very clear, and i am very sorry if this fic left anyone with a sour taste. that wasn't my intention.

additionally, i am sorry about my silence as of late. i have been working frequent and long hours at my job and have switched back to drawing more frequently rather than writing, but i have been working on EVERY request that i have gotten since turning off my inbox asks. i haven't forgotten about any of them (i literally have them written down in multiple places to remind me). i've said it before, writing is not my full-time priority. it's a hobby, and the only reason it was more frequent throughout march, april, and may was because i was going through extreme art block. a part of me wishes i didn't open requests because i have a guilty conscious and operate like im running a drive-thru (which is also what i do for work tbh), but people have been super sweet and trusting me with your stories is an honor, and i PROMISE i have not forgotten about them

sorry about this long-winded post out of nowhere

take care, and i'll be back soon. i promise

[good-beanswrites]

oomph i know i'm definitely really early with this ask (changing time zones for vacation is weird o.O) but I was thinking about it over the past few days

for the lights, camera, sing your sins au, are the interrogations somewhat scripted where the prisoner knows what to say and Es is mostly just reactions or questions to that? I feel like we've talked about this but I have forgotten jandjnf o.O

because all i can think about is Es getting beaten up or close to tears in the first voice dramas and man if it's scripted, i feel bad for the prisoners who have to do this to es o.O

Hi Mug :D No worries, a slightly late reply because I was on vacation too haha! 🍂

And I mean it's whatever works best in people's minds, but I always pictured there being very little scripted, actually! I'd hoped that everything was as natural as possible. The prisoners just have to make the little shift to act as if they did follow through with the murder instead of talk about how close it came -- other than that, everything that happens is the characters' honest questions, answers, and reactions.

When explaining the no-violence ban to everyone, Fuuta and Kazui (and later Amane) tell Jackalope how they would think during their interrogations. Jackalope instructs them all how to act in order to stay consistent with the barriers/losing strength stuff. I think the only explicitly scripted action is Mikoto's violence, since Red admits he may resort to that if Blue felt threatened. Jackalope tells him to get to the point of violence no matter how the interrogation goes, as it's necessary (to proving Mikoto's situation, to driving home the central ideas of Mikoto's case, to reveal Milgram's process and 'limits,' etc).

And yeah, it definitely tears him apart to actually do it -- he has to verify that Es signed up for this several times (which they did), and it still takes a lot of resolve to follow through with hurting an innocent kid like that. I imagine that's one of the reasons he's not really upset that Kotoko surprised everyone by intervening: he felt so guilty about the attack and was grateful someone came in to stop it.

Although it wasn't physical pain, Mahiru is also really upset that she brought Es such emotional strain. She thinks it's cruel to fool them into feeling bad for her when she's okay, and it takes a lot of reassurance from the others to convince her it's for the sake of the experiment -- every part of the process has toyed with everyone's emotions, she's not a terrible person for doing so.

Whether in the middle of the trial or the final executions, I think any characters who die next trial will also feel awful for making Es mourn for them when they're still alive. It's not all one-sided guilt, though. It's balanced by anger/sorrow towards Es for condemning them to death in the first place because of their decisions. Any time they get too caught up in thinking "I'm so cruel for tricking them like this," they have a moment of "well, they did specifically order my death, so..."

When I'm looking for a pure fix-it, I'll let those emotions go pretty easily <3 But unfortunately my writer ass is never free from The Themes asdfsdf and sometimes I still get caught up in the project's major focus -- not only is Es facing the original Milgram dilemma of choosing whether or not to follow authority, but now the prisoners are faced with the exact same decision. Do they physically/mentally hurt this child "for the experiment?" Because someone in authority told them to? They're doing this to prove a point about justice and fairness, but where should they draw the line? At what point is it not for the greater good and they are just causing more harm?

I think I mentioned it before but in this au the prisoners are extremely motivated by the promise that this experiment will help others like them. Yuno wants to make a statement about society's views on abortion and sex work. Muu wants to make a difference for bullying victims. Kazui hopes to be a voice for all those who have had to keep theirs quiet about something. Mikoto hopes his story creates more awareness and acceptance for people who are usually terribly stereotyped and feared. Kotoko wants to bring to light the problem of corruption and what can be done about it, and so on. In the end, they can always justify causing a little emotional/physical harm because they are doing it for a good reason.

[n0nsensew0rds]

I would respect these arguments if people actually held some kind of real conviction and weren't just playing deranged games of Gotcha!

Here's the difference:

The purpose of driving is transportation. While there are risks (as is endemic with life), you are not going out on the road into an environment where other drivers are intentionally trying to hit you and your goal is to not get hit. This is why collisions are investigated and it's a crime to hit another driver.

The purpose of sex is reproduction. You are intentionally participating in an extremely specific action that is meant to result in reproduction. The purpose of sex is pregnancy. You can take measures to mitigate that from happening but no form of birth control is absolute, you are always (barring abnormalities or age) putting yourself in a position that is specifically intended to result in pregnancy.

And before anybody gets cute, the anon is obviously talking about a consensual encounter. I understand the arguments about a non-consensual encounter, even if I don't agree with them. But there is absolutely no excuse to have an abortion when you are fully in control of your sexual activity. You don't want kids? Don't have sex. It's not that hard.

"Did you consent to that sexual encounter?Then you consented to the possibility of pregnancy.You don't get to kill somebody just because you don't want to take responsibility for your actions."

Did you consent to drive to the grocery store? Well then you can't go to the hospital after you get into a car accident. By consenting to drive you consented to the injuries of the car accident.

That's you. That's what you sound like.

No, that's your dumbness interpretation of a very straight forward concept. Tell me, how does getting in a car accident create new life?

[anamericangirl]

I’m gonna be outright with you: I don’t agree with what you’re posting.

As much as I can disagree and try to debate you on dying website tumblr dot com, my attempts will just make you buckle down on your already existing beliefs more. I’m not asking you to change those beliefs. I want to know WHY you have the perspective that you do on topics like abortion, gun rights, anything that comes to your mind in modern-day late 2022 politics.

WHY do you believe what you do?

- curious leftist

First off I want to say I am sorry it took me so long to get to this and I hope you're still around to see it. I recently started a new job and have gotten backed up on asks so it's been taking me some time to get to them but I really appreciate you being respectful and I wanted to take the time to give you a decent response.

What drives most of my opinions are the foundational beliefs that all human beings have intrinsic value and all human beings have human rights and both the lives and rights of all people need to be protected. The other main thing driving my opinions is my dislike and distrust of the government. I fundamentally believe the bigger government gets and the more power you hand over to it the worse things will be for the average American and I think the dangers of big government can be seen all throughout history and several countries around the world today.

So when I start to look at individual topics, wherever I land always goes back to those foundational principles.

Abortion: I am strongly pro-life and very much hope that one day abortion will be banned from conception at the federal level. This is because, like I said, I believe all human beings have intrinsic value. Also, all human beings have the right to life just by nature of being human. We have more scientific proof than ever before that the unborn are living human beings from the moment of conception and I do not think it is ever ok to kill an innocent human being. And that is what abortion does. It ends a pregnancy by violently and intentionally killing a human baby, which is a violation of that baby's right to life and an action that would be considered a brutal crime at any point outside of the womb. There really is no debate in science about whether or not the unborn are human beings. The only debate is whether that human life has value and deserves to be protected and I believe it absolutely does. Every human being, from the moment they exist, has the right to life and we don't have the right to kill innocent people because we find them inconvenient (as a side note, abortion is also extremely harmful for women. Nothing good results from it). I hope one day for abortion not only to be illegal but also unthinkable.

Gun rights: Very pro-2A and gun rights. This also goes back to my belief that human lives have intrinsic value and the right to life. Having the right to life means that people have the right to protect their lives and also their property however they see fit. Guns are the most effective self defense tool in existence. Yes, they can be also be used to cause great harm but they save far more lives than they take every single year. Guns are a great equalizer when it comes to self defense. If a large man attacks a small woman that woman doesn't have to worry about outrunning or physically fighting off her attacker if she has a gun on her. And without guns, we have to rely on the government for protection, which they famously suck at. I mean we just have to look at what happened in Uvalde. Cops standing around for over an hour inside the elementary school while children were slaughtered right down the hall. So yes we can call the police if we're in trouble but sometimes they get there after the assault and sometimes when they get there they don't help. Also, private citizens with guns have a better record of stopping mass shootings than law enforcement does. The other reason I'm 2A is because that right is what enables us to protect all of our other rights. Governments who go after your right to bear arms will go after your other rights once they have unarmed you. If you look at tyrannical governments throughout history they typically begin with the disarming of the citizens and it's a dangerous game to play to trust that our government "would never do that."

Now for the stuff that just comes to my mind - I'll try to keep it brief because I've got a lot of opinions right now lol

Illegal Immigration: I wholeheartedly support immigration and don't begrudge anyone who wants to come here. I want anyone from any country that wants to come here and pursue the American Dream to be able to do so. But we have to have immigration laws and those laws have to be followed. We can't just allow people to flow in across the border and start living here. Otherwise we don't have a country. We have to protect our borders. Illegal immigration hurts legal immigration and there are a lot of children that get trafficked through illegal immigration. Massive illegal immigration, like we have at the southern border, is incredibly harmful. I don't have a problem with anyone coming here, they just have to do it legally.

Gender identity: personally I believe there are only two genders which are male and female because that’s what biology tells us, but I don’t care what anyone wants to identify as long as people don’t force me to participate in their ideas about gender and sexuality that I don’t subscribe to through compelled speech. And keep all of this away from children and biological men should not be allowed to compete in women’s sports.

That’s mostly what’s coming to my mind at the moment but feel free to reach out if you have any more questions or want more thorough explanations on anything!

Thanks again for disagreeing respectfully and asking why I believe what I do instead of just writing me off as some sort of bigot. I really appreciate it!

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

For each member of the Cullens, what do you think it would take for them to realize the extent of how unhinged Edward is and what do you think they would do about it, if anything?

Well, we’re going dark places today, aren’t we?

Alice

Alice is already fully aware of what Edward is, she simply doesn’t care.

There are visions that Alice misses, Edward thinks Alice misses the vast majority of Biology due to being hyper focused on Jasper (and likely missed the school massacre that Edward was seriously planning) but there is a lot she doesn’t miss.

Every time Edward thinks about how great it’d be to smash Mike Newton’s head like a watermelon, every time he considers devouring Bella, every time he enters her room unannounced to stare at her while she sleeps unawares, the time Edward considers genocide of the Quileute Tribe because of Jake’s telling Bella a story he doesn’t even believe, Alice knows.

It changes nothing for her.

She roots for Edward and Bella’s relationship, not because she knows for a certainty it will work out, but because it might. And that slim might, where Bella Swan might survive and become Edward’s lover as well as her own Barbie is worth everything they put Bella through to get there.

Also damningly, Alice cares very little for how good Edward is for Bella just as she cares very little for Bella period. Bella is Alice’s excuse to party and a dress up toy, but Alice will cut contact with her to a) please Edward b) prove a point to Edward.

Worse, Alice will take Bella to Italy, a city where she knows Bella will be killed with a 90% chance upon entry, on the slim chance that they might prevent Edward’s suicide. Yes, she vaguely explains the risk Bella’s taking, but she doesn’t say it in clear terms nor does she waste much time arguing.

Edward is far more important to Alice than Bella.

What I’m getting at is, thanks to her gift, Alice is intimately aware of just what Edward is capable of. She doesn’t care. And yes, there’s something to be said that Edward, more often than not, does not act upon these futures and he shouldn’t be condemned for choices he does not make. However, he does make some of them, and Alice knows.

There’s nothing I think Edward could do to either inform her that she was gravely wrong in how she perceived him or drive her away. Alice would be disappointed he’s thrown the family into such disarray but most likely would try to steer him away from whatever choice would cause such a rift.

She would aid, abet, and enable him because that is what will keep the Cullens together. Which is something Alice very much wants.

Carlisle

Carlisle lives in a river in Egypt, the water is made of double think. There are strong hints that Carlisle’s family is not quite as gung ho or altruistic about the diet as he is. Instead of being appalled, Carlisle quietly lowers his standards, and gives enthusiastic applause when Edward does things like choose not to brutally murder the serial rapist who nearly raped Bella. This is big growth for Edward! He also takes measures like sending family members who have accidents to their victims funeral, in the hopes that something, maybe, might make them see humans as people worthy of life.

If you asked him though, he’d talk about how amazing his family and the Denali are for the diet, and how he’s so proud to be a part of this community that values human life. LOOK HOW MUCH THEY VALUE IT.

When it comes to Edward, I think Edward holds a special place in Carlisle’s heart. He was not only the first person he turned, but Edward left and came back, to Carlisle this signaled that he’d found meaning and purpose in preserving human life. More, Edward... is very good at hiding what he is and is desperate that Carlisle above all others never see it.

Rather than have a conscience, most of the time, what stops Edward from “you name horrific action” of the day is the thought of “What would Carlisle say?” 

My point being, from the outside, especially to Carlisle, Edward truly does look like a noble soul. There are... flags, but they’re easily ignored or written off as issues with Edward’s emotional maturity.

Where Carlisle starts getting concerned is with Bella. Edward leaves for Alaska, great, Carlisle’s proud he was able to make that decision and know his limits. ThEn EdWArd CoMeS BaCK.

Edward comes back, in a week, nothing has changed, and he refuses to leave. Carlisle talks to him, Edward’s thinking he’s better than Hamburger and he can’t let her win, what he actually says to Carlisle is something along the lines of “I can’t run from my fears” Carlisle does an upside down smiley face then says, “Yes, you can, please do” And Edward doesn’t.

Things with Edward and this girl get progressively weird, but Carlisle is very proud that Edward sees the value of human life and not murdering a girl for being nearly hit by a van (this is how low Carlisle’s standards have become), and then Alice goes, “Oh, by the way, Edward is in love with this girl!”

Carlisle just sits there, “Alright then” and quietly puts aside his dreams of moving to a town where Edward doesn’t eat Bella Swan.

But I’m getting off track, this isn’t about canon where Carlisle can explain Edward’s actions away as noble but extreme, emotionally immature, and misguided.

Eating Bella’s not enough. Carlisle will see this as a tragic accident, something he foresaw, but something he assumes will haunt Edward for eternity. And, as it will haunt Edward for eternity (though not for the reasons Carlisle assumes) there will be nothing to make Carlisle question Edward’s character. He was young and foolish to think his limits were endless, but this was a tragic accident.

And it’s something, that in canon, Carlisle is hoping won’t happen but expects with helplessness.

I think there are a number of things that could do it. Had Edward eaten Biology, had he decided to defy Volturi law by eating Saint Marcus’ Square, but staying closer to the realm of possibility...

Had Edward forcibly aborted Bella, murdering her and her child in the process, or else if Renesmee didn’t have her gift, and Edward murdered her after her birth (assuming Jake didn’t get to it first).

Those actions cannot be excused away nor cannot be seen as tragic accidents. They are premeditated and evil, and yes evil is a strong word, yet here we are. This is Carlisle staring in the face of madness.

And that’s what it will take.

If Edward cheats on Bella, then while Carlisle is sad and disappointed, affairs happen and passion fades. More, Edward and Bella married awfully young and barely knew each other, this perhaps isn’t surprising.

If Edward eats a human Bella on the day she’s supposed to be turned, in very suspicious circumstances right at the last minute. Carlisle will know, deep down, but never allow himself to believe it. He’ll think Edward is utterly devestated and had let his guard down on that last day in anticipation of Bella’s turning.

This though, there’s no denying this.

I don’t believe Carlisle can kill Edward. Murder is not in his nature, and more, Edward is so dear to him. And now that this has happened, Carlisle would blame himself in part because surely, the human Edward Masen would never have become this. 

He’d likely reach out to Aro. Eclipse has happened, but not Breaking Dawn, and more everything is in question. He has to know the truth from a man who has seen Edward’s very soul. He goes in person, likely tells Edward his plans, and Edward rages but that doesn’t stop Carlisle.

Rosalie (more on her below) would never forgive Edward, ever, she is done. She and Emmett likely go with Carlisle to Volterra to hear the truth of what Edward is. Esme stays behind with Edward, torn in half, but unable to leave his side in this time of crisis. With that, her and Carlisle’s marriage completely dissolves on the spot. Alice stays with Edward as well, which means Jasper does to, though this likely starts the gears in head and he begins to contemplate leaving his wife. Though I imagine he won’t act for some time.

By the time Emmett, Rosalie, and Carlisle reach Volterra the coven is broken.

If Bella survived, if Edward murdered Renesmee while she was out of commission for three days, then I imagine she too goes to Volterra. Not for truth, but so that Aro can murder her, because there’s no point in living anymore.

Emmett

It would have to be beyond the pale extreme because Emmett gets more hints than most of the family (i.e. Carlisle and Rosalie).

Edward doesn’t really confide in Emmett, per se, but he does say some pretty damning things on their hunting trip in New Moon and give off varying vibes of crazy. Rather than realize that Edward, perhaps, is dangerous, Emmett only gets the feeling that Edward might not be alright in the head. Mostly, Emmett doesn’t want to think about it.

So he gets to listen to Edward raving about how Bella could be crushed by a meteor, wondering why Edward even cares when two days ago he didn’t give a flying fuck about this rando tasty human.

To Emmett, Edward has been laughing madly to himself for days, is now a  paranoid wreck, and is starting to creep him out but... Maybe if he ignores it, Edward will go back to normal?

Not helping is that Emmett doesn’t care about human life. He’s constantly telling Edward to treat himself and eat Bella, in a manner that suggests he vicariously wants to live through the delicious experience (as well as get Edward to calm down). 

If Edward eats Bella, Emmett will slap him on the back and say “Good job, bro!” If Edward eats Bella after the whole “love” thing, well, that’s weird, but, uh, “Sorry, bro?” If Edward murders all of Biology...

Then Emmet might do a double take and think, you know, maybe something’s not right with Edward.

I think he’d suggest he and Rose take a very long vacation and wait for things to calm down. Hoping that, if he ignores this, it will go away and Edward will return to a... saneish person.

What Rose thinks is a different story.

Esme

There is nothing on this planet that could tear Esme away from Edward. Esme’s purpose in life, the thing that gives her joy each morning and each night, is her family which you can condense down to Edward: the best and brightest of all of us.

We see it in canon.

The day after Edward decides he’s in love he acts like a lunatic. The car smells like Bella, as he kidnapped her for a ride home (Bella did not realize she had, in fact, been abducted. Edward does for two seconds then says to himself, “No, no, this is--completely necessary. I’M A MONSTER”

Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett get to ride home in this Bella smelling car. Edward keeps laughing, like he’s in an opium den, it’s fucking weird. Edward offers no explanation, the car always smells like Bella, what are you talking about?

Edward then skips to the piano, giggling to himself, and sits down to compose. An action he hasn’t done in years. He’s still grinning and giggling to himself, by the way. Alice joins him at the piano, being equally cryptic and weird as usual. For some reason, Rosalie leaves the room in complete humiliation and shame. This is never explained to anyone watching.

Esme is sitting in the room, taking this all in, and thinks nothing. Instead she smiles, at beautiful Edward, and asks him to play the song he composed for her. She’s so glad to see him filled with joy again. She tells him that he is the best and brightest of all of them.

Esme later gives Edward her pretty much express permission to eat Bella if the girl is causing him such pain and misery. Luckily for Bella, Edward’s in love. So he passes on that and assures Esme the most wonderful thing has happened, he is in love.

My point being, Edward could drop the corpses of the students he murdered in Biology so he could more efficiently eat Bella at Esme’s feet and she wouldn’t blink. It wouldn’t even process for her. Esme would continue carrying on as Esme, nothing changing, while the rest of the family stares agog at the city Edward just murdered.

There is nothing Edward could do or say that would ever change Esme’s mind and she will always treat him as her favorite child.

Jasper

With his gift, I imagine Jasper suspects. Edward loathes Rosalie, despises him, and his feelings for others are... strange. He holds indifference and contempt for mankind and when it comes to Bella. Woof, what a cocktail.

He has no proof though, but I imagine if the smallest thing comes into his lap, that suspicion would become a certainty.

As for what he’d do, it’s hard to say.

I think, in most scenarios, he’d look the other way. Yes, Edward is a monater, but Jasper to is a monster if for different reasons, he has no room to judge. More, Edward is in many respects the heart of the Cullens, far more than Japser himself is. If Jasper goes causing strife, making accusations the others may or may not believe, then the coven could collapse.

This place, these people, are what Jasper thinks he’s been searching for all his life. For the first time, he knows peace, and is trying to live a life where he doesn’t persist in agony every time he succumbs to eating. Jasper is not going to risk that falling apart, even if he finds Edward unpleasant.

And if Edward keeps it to himself, or if the occasional human is the victim, then that’s a price Jasper is willing to pay.

Jasper might actually get concerned when it comes to Bella. For all Bella’s not very close with him, he holds her in very high regard. He nearly devoured Bella, and she forgave him, she forgave him his monstrously brutal past and has never flinched from him. She is a reminder of what humanity can be and why it’s important.

If he realized the threat Edward is to Bella, not just in eating her, but on a level much darker than that, then he might start to act and would probably try to get Bella to leave while she could. However, he also likely knows Bella would never listen, because she doesn’t see what Edward is and nothing would convince her otherwise. Not to mention, as soon as Jasper knows, Edward will plot against him so that no one in the family will ever listen to a word he says.

Not to mention that Alice, of course, must know and doesn’t care. That will be quite the blow to Jasper taking any action.

Barring extreme circumstances, Jasper does nothing, he just watches and waits to see what the others do.

Rosalie

For all that Edward doesn’t bother to be nice to Rosalie, and is ready to lay into her at a moment’s notice, he’s very dear to her. He is, in all regards, her brother and she cares for him deeply as she does the family as a whole.

Rosalie has no idea what he truly is and it would take a lot for her to accept it. More, unlike Carlisle, although she prizes human values and tries to hold herself to human standards her morals have slipped enough that she genuinely advocates murdering Bella Swan in her sleep so that Rosalie won’t have to move.

Murdering Bella won’t be enough, Rosalie will see it as the accident that could have been avoided if Edward hadn’t insisted on being a fool. 

I think, for Rosalie, the best way to drive it home would be a sexual crime. Had Edward forced Bella’s abortion in Breaking Dawn, that would have done it. First, it’d be such a messy, bloody, affair at that point and would look like a horror show (which means Edward’s more than likely to eat Bella in the process). Second, this would be Edward taking the child that Bella wanted, tearing it from her and murdering it, and performing the most vile action that Rosalie can likely even contemplate.

I don’t know what she’d do, I don’t think Rosalie’s capable of killing Edward, she cares for him too much, even after something like this. However, I think she would make an ultimatum to Carlisle “either he goes or I go” and then would never speak of Edward again, he’s dead to her.

[set-phasers-to-whump]

i just thought it didn’t rain in california

whumpee: eddie diaz

fandom: 911

hi! this fic is for @rogue205​ who requested a car crash into water w a kinda self-sacrifice thing. that is a simplification of the idea but yeah there’s a car crash there’s drowning there’s lots of stuff. i played it a bit fast and loose with the prompt bc that’s where the story took me but hopefully it’s ok anyways! i hope you enjoy and also i am so sorry this took forever. also idrk when this is set but at some point after s4. title from this life by vampire weekend

It’s one of those rare dark and stormy nights in LA. They’re coming off a fairly easy 24-hour shift, and Eddie’s thoughts are tending in the direction of a nice hot shower and a movie with Christopher. He settles in behind the wheel of his truck and is about to turn the key in the ignition when there’s a knock on the window. 

He rolls it down. Buck gives him a little wave, dripping wet in the rain. 

“Miss me already?” Eddie jokes. “What’s up?”

“Any chance you could give me a ride home? My car won’t start and I don’t really wanna try and fix it in this weather.”

“Sure,” Eddie agrees, unlocking the doors. Buck walks around the car and slides into the passenger seat, flashing him a smile even though he’s absolutely soaked. There are raindrops on his eyelashes and his hair has gone slightly curly from being damp. Not that Eddie is paying attention to that sort of thing. Definitely not, he tells himself, starting the engine. 

The drive to Buck’s place is slower than usual, thanks to the frankly torrential storm. There actually isn’t a ton of traffic this evening, but with how slowly everyone is driving, the roads are backing up quickly. Finally, though, some of the traffic starts to thin out, and Eddie can drive at a more respectable speed as they begin to approach the river. 

“Wow,” Buck says quietly, his face pressed to the window, breath fogging up the glass. Eddie takes a quick look and finds himself staring down at the usually calm and fairly shallow Los Angeles River, now absolutely roaring along, the water dark and angry and dangerous. “Lucky we didn’t get any calls about people falling in,” he remarks, hitting the brakes a bit as the person in front of him slows down. 

“Other stations might have,” Buck points out. “I haven’t seen it this bad in years.”

“Let’s just hope nobody gets hurt tonight,” Eddie says. It’s a futile hope and they both know it, but it gives him some peace of mind to put the statement out into the world. 

An especially loud clap of thunder makes the both of them jump. Buck huffs a laugh, and Eddie can’t help joining in. A sudden, unexpected wave of happiness washes over him, simple and pure, and for a second he thinks this is it, I’m going to say it, I’m going to do it - 

And he opens his mouth, maybe to say it, maybe to abort at the last second, but never gets the chance either way. Seemingly from out of nowhere, a car slams into them, pushing Eddie’s truck straight into - and then over - the guardrail. The truck flips. Buck shouts. Eddie hits the brakes, as though that’s going to do anything. They hit the water head-on, plunging into the roaring current with enough force to knock Eddie’s forehead against the steering wheel. The blackness swallows him faster than the water swallows the truck. 

--

He wakes quickly, to a sharp tap on his cheek. He experiences a single second of confusion, rapidly replaced by the need to get into action. The truck is sinking and getting tossed around down the river at the same time, the headlights bouncing crazily through the dark water, which is steadily filling the truck. It’s only beginning to cover the seats, so Eddie knows he hasn’t been out too long. 

“You good?” Buck asks. It’s extremely relative, but he’s alive and not hurt, so Eddie nods. “You?”

“Fine.”

They don’t have a lot of time. Eddie tries the windows, which refuse to open. 

“We’re gonna have to break them,” Buck says, opening the half-flooded center console and finding one of the three bright orange glass breakers Eddie keeps in his truck. “Can you get your seatbelt off? I got mine but yours wouldn’t unbuckle. Might be the angle.”

Eddie tries his seatbelt and finds it stuck. Buck wordlessly hands over the glass breaker, grabbing a second one from the glove compartment. Eddie uses it to cut through his seatbelt, the process taking what feels like years. When he’s finally free of it the water has risen to chest level, and he can feel himself starting to panic. 

Buck must be able to tell, because he says, “it’s gonna be fine, we’re almost out.” Eddie forces the panic down. He knows Buck’s right. They’ll be fine. They’re together, aren’t they? There’s safety in numbers, safety in Buck…

“Eddie?”

He shakes his head, willing his mind to clear. He might’ve hit the steering wheel a little harder than he’d thought. “I’m good. We breaking the windows?”

“On three,” Buck agrees. They both raise the pointed ends of the glass breakers. “One, two, three!”

Buck’s window shatters with a crash, and water begins flooding into the cab. Eddie’s tool, on the other hand, has somehow managed to bounce off the glass. He raises his arm to strike again as the water reaches his chin.

“Eddie!”

“Go, Buck, I’m right behind you!”

There isn’t time for Buck to do anything except nod and push himself out the window. He disappears almost immediately. Eddie takes a deep breath as the water fills the rest of the truck, completely submerging him. 

He isn’t panicking now. Maybe he should be, but he just isn’t. He tries the glass breaker again, but his speed is hampered by the water, and the tool again bounces harmlessly off the window. No problem, he’ll just go out Buck’s window instead. 

He’s nearly there when something happens - he doesn’t know what, exactly. There’s a horrible, distorted screeching of metal, and the truck shifts and tumbles in the water, Eddie tumbling right along with it like clothes in a washing machine. 

When the movement stops, he’s so dizzy he can barely see straight and his leg has gotten wedged beneath a seat. He pulls on it, expecting it to come free. It doesn’t. The panic returns now, in full force, and he strains desperately against the confines of his own truck, feeling his leg get scraped and cut but still not moving. It’s no use. He’s trapped and he knows he can’t hold his breath much longer. He thinks of the well. This is somehow better than that. He’s been through this once in real life already (and hundreds of times in his dreams). He knows it. And Christopher - Chris will be okay because he’ll have Buck, who will also be okay because he’ll have Chris. Eddie is grateful, above all, that Buck has gotten out. Buck is safe (Buck has to be safe) and this means that his two favorite people, the two people he loves the most in all the world, are going to be okay. He’d rather be with them, of course, but it’s enough knowing that they’ll have each other. He tries one more time to free himself. His leg still won’t move. His lungs lose the battle with his brain, and he breathes. 

--

A moment or so earlier

Buck’s head breaks the surface of the water. He coughs, sucks in a deep breath, then looks expectantly around for Eddie. There are flashing lights and shouting voices, but no sign of his best friend. 

“Eddie!” he screams, as loudly as he can. “Eddie!” 

Nothing. He swims against the current, looking below him into the inky black water for any sign of the truck, of Eddie. 

Nothing. “Eddie!” Water splashes up into his mouth and he coughs. He’s shaking, he realizes, somewhere in the back of his mind. From cold or fear, he doesn’t know. “Eddie!”

Nothing. It’s sickeningly familiar. He can almost feel the impossibly heavy weight of Christopher’s glasses around his neck. Not again, he thinks, pleading with the universe. Please, not again. 

Someone grabs him. He opens his eyes - he’d closed them? - and asks, “Eddie?” because who else can it be?

But it isn’t Eddie. “Are you okay, sir?” asks a firefighter from the 144, pulling Buck into a rescue boat. 

The familiarity of the firefighter, the boat, kicks Buck’s brain back into action. “Evan Buckley, 118. I’m fine. My partner, Eddie Diaz, he’s still in the water. Maybe still in his truck, I don’t know. I should have - he said he was right behind me, but -”

“We’ll get him,” says the other firefighter. 

“Let me help.”

“You know I can’t let you do that. Let our paramedics check you out. We’ll find him, Firefighter Buckley.”

They’re already at the edge of the water, which has risen so high that it’s getting close to the top of the channel - they can’t be more than 5 feet below the road. Dimly, Buck recognizes that he doesn’t really have another choice, and he lets himself be hauled up out of the boat and onto dry land. 

What feels like an eternity later, he’s sitting on the back of an ambulance with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a paramedic looking him over. She isn’t talking to him except when necessary. Buck can’t decide whether he appreciates this or hates it. 

Suddenly there’s a flurry of activity. He shoots up from his position, nearly bowling over the unsuspecting paramedic. He searches frantically until - there, just where he’d been hauled over the top of the channel, someone else is being pulled up. 

He’s there in a second, the paramedic close on his heels. She gently moves him aside and joins her coworkers, surrounding an unmoving body lying on a backboard. 

It’s Eddie. There’s a livid bruise on his forehead and the left leg of his pants is all but gone, the skin underneath red and raw and bloody. He’s way too pale and he isn’t moving. 

Buck stands there, blanket still around his shoulders, soaking wet and shivering fiercely, staring down at the paramedics as they administer CPR. He looks at them, at Eddie, thinks I should be doing something but doesn’t know what. Absurdly, he thinks that he should push them all aside, perform CPR himself, as though this will make a difference. But he doesn’t move. Just stands there and watches as someone else breathes for Eddie, as someone else breaks his ribs in the hopes of keeping him alive. 

Someone needs to call Christopher, he thinks suddenly. Chris and Carla, and Tía Pepa, Eddie’s sisters, Abuelita, maybe his parents, the 118…too many people to think about all at once. Chris is the most important, of course. Someone has to call Chris. 

Just then a firefighter - the one who’d rescued him, Buck recalls - comes up and stands next to him. “We’re doing everything we can,” he says. Buck knows. “Is there anyone we should call?”

At first his voice is barely a whisper. “Ch - his son, Christopher. He’s with Carla, his caregiver.” He rattles off her number from memory. “Is he -” he starts to ask, even though he knows the answer the other firefighter has to give. 

He doesn’t get a chance to answer, anyway, because suddenly Eddie is back. He’s coughing up mouthful after mouthful of water and starting to shiver so hard it looks painful and Buck shoves himself in between two paramedics, dropping to his knees next to Eddie, still choking up all the water he’d swallowed. Buck wants to say something but finds he can’t speak. He grabs Eddie’s freezing-cold hand instead, holding on for all he’s worth. The paramedics kindly work around him, loading Eddie into the back of an ambulance and beginning to check him over, Buck never once letting go of his hand.

Neither one of them has stopped shaking when they reach the hospital, though Buck is feeling marginally warmer thanks to the three blankets the paramedics had piled atop him in the ambulance. Eddie is still largely out of it, but fully conscious. He walks with Eddie and the paramedics to the doors and for once doesn’t stop and turn around when he’s met by a delegation of doctors and nurses.

--

Half an hour later, he’s sitting beside a sleeping Eddie, the both of them fully dried off and warm. Eddie is okay - he has a mild concussion, some scrapes and bruises, and two broken ribs. He’ll have a sore throat for a little while, but otherwise shouldn’t feel any lasting effects from his drowning. Because he’d drowned. Buck can’t get that one word out of his head. He can feel the guilt settling down on him like a heavy, familiar blanket. He’d almost lost Eddie, just like he’d almost lost Chris, and again it’s his fault. If he’d just stayed in the truck with Eddie when his window hadn’t broken, if he hadn’t listened when Eddie’d told him to go…

Then we might both be dead, pipes up a voice in the back of his head that sounds suspiciously like Eddie. 

Maybe, Buck allows. Or maybe we’d both - 

“Quit thinkin’ so hard. ‘S giving me a headache.”

Buck nearly falls out of his chair. “Eddie!”

Eddie gives him a smile, tired and small but genuine. “You okay?” he asks, then coughs, then winces. Buck passes him a paper cup of water, which he eyes warily before slowly drinking. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Think I asked you a question first.”

“Of course I’m fine,” Buck says. Because you’re fine, he doesn’t say. “How are you?”

Eddie seems to seriously consider the question, for once. “Sore,” he says, eventually. “Tired. But okay. Where’s Chris?”

“He and Carla are on their way. Technically visiting hours are almost up, but lucky for you I can be very convincing,” Buck says, finally allowing himself to smile in return. “The doctor says you should be good to leave tomorrow, by the way. They just wanna observe you overnight.”

Eddie doesn’t look too pleased about the second piece of information, but his smile widens at the mention of Christopher, and for a few seconds they lapse into a comfortable silence. Eddie lets his eyes flutter closed, though Buck can tell he’s not asleep. Buck, for his part, stares at Eddie and hopes that he’s not being too obvious about it. He thinks, now, that he might stare at Eddie forever, half out of a desire to make sure he doesn’t get hurt again and half out of a desire that he’s not quite brave enough to name.

Eddie’s still just a touch too pale, though he looks a good deal better than he had before. His hair has dried messily, sticking out in every direction. The bruise on his forehead is a deep shade of purple, and if Buck looks close enough he can see the bumply texture of the steering wheel on it. The ghost of his earlier smile is still on his face, soft and open. Even here, or perhaps especially here, beneath the hospital’s harsh fluorescents with the raw feeling of fear still buzzing in the air, Eddie is beautiful.

You love him, says the voice in the back of Buck’s head, sounding like Maddie this time. 

I know that, he thinks. He’s my best friend. 

You know what I mean, Maddie’s voice insists. 

He does know, of course - it might be Maddie’s voice but it’s his head - but what exactly is he supposed to do with that now? He can’t very well tell Eddie, hey, I think I’m in love with you while Eddie is in the hospital because Buck couldn’t do enough to stop him from getting hurt, again. 

“Hey.” Eddie opens his eyes, and Buck snaps himself out of his thoughts. 

“Do you need anything? How are you feeling?”

Eddie actually laughs. Rarely has Buck heard a better sound. “I’m alright, Buck. I promise.” He pauses for a second before continuing, his voice turning serious. “Look, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, okay? I made you think I was right behind you and then I wasn’t, and I know how bad it must’ve been for you to get out of there and see I wasn’t with you. I just -”

“Eddie, stop, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine, I should’ve stayed with you until you got out too, I should’ve tried harder to get back to you -”

“Hold on, no. Buck. If you had stayed with me we might both be dead. It was my decision. That’s not on you.”

“Eddie, you almost died.”

“I didn’t. And neither did you. That’s all that matters.”

Buck can see the logic behind this, at least. “You’re alive,” he agrees. 

“You’re alive,” replies Eddie. 

I love you, Buck thinks. 

“I’m in love with you,” replies Eddie.

Wait. “What?”

All at once, all of the missing color, plus a lot more, floods back into Eddie’s cheeks. “Sorry, I - well, maybe I’m not sorry, I love you, I do, but if you don’t -”

“I do.”

Eddie looks at him (or maybe Eddie still hasn’t stopped looking at him). His face is still so soft and so open and so full of love and he looks exactly like he always does but somehow Buck hasn’t seen it before, not like this, not now that he knows and god, he really just wants to kiss Eddie and then pull him impossibly close and never let go. 

“How’s your breathing?” is what he ends up asking, which is decidedly not the most romantic way to ask someone if they’re up for a kiss. 

Eddie, however, gets the point. “Good enough for a kiss, I think,” he says. “Assuming that’s what you’re thinking?”

In response, Buck leans in, one hand pressing into the uncomfortably hard hospital mattress, the other cupping the side of Eddie’s face. The kiss is soft and gentle and fairly quick, but it leaves them both nearly breathless all the same. When they pull away Eddie is still smiling, and he leans forwards and rests his head against Buck’s collarbone. “I love you,” he whispers. “A lot.”

Buck rests his cheek atop Eddie’s hair. “I love you a lot, too.”

“Dad!”

Chris comes clattering into the room, Carla hot on his heels. “Hi, boys,” she says, as Buck and Eddie separate. If Buck’s not mistaken, there’s a hint of satisfaction in her voice. “I see you’re doing just fine.”

It’s Buck’s turn to blush. He sits back down in his chair as Chris and Eddie hug. Carla gives him that all-too-knowing smile. His face heats up even more, but he smiles right back. 

“Buck!” Chris has made his way around the bed and now flings himself into Buck’s arms. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he says, his face buried in Buck’s shoulder. Buck holds onto him a little tighter at that and mentally tells himself to keep it together. 

“Can we have a sleepover tonight?” Is the next thing Chris says, with all the slyness of an eleven-year-old who knows full well what the answer to his question is going to be but who is going to ask anyway. 

“Not tonight, buddy. Your dad has to have a sleepover here -” Chris pulls a face that is startlingly familiar, the same face Buck had used on the nurse to convince her to bend the visitation hours so Chris could still come by tonight “- but how about we have a sleepover tomorrow, once he can go home?”

Chris nods happily, then settles himself down into the chair next to Buck’s. “Are you gonna stay here with Dad tonight?”

Buck looks to Eddie, then to Carla. Both of them nod. “Yeah, I am.”

Chris looks satisfied with this. Just then, the nurse stops by and informs them that, with the exception of Mr. Buckley, they need to be going. Chris and Carla each hug Eddie and then Buck before making their way to the door. Just before they step out into the hallway, Chris turns around. 

“Hey Buck?”

“Yeah?”

Chris smiles at him, and it’s all Carla. “I forgot to give Dad a goodnight kiss. Can you do it for me?”

Eddie makes a very undignified sound. Carla looks a second away from doubling over and exploding in laughter. Buck, for his part, simply stands up, leans down over Eddie, and presses a chaste kiss to his lips. “Goodnight,” he whispers, resting their foreheads together for a brief second. He then turns back to Chris, raises his eyebrows. Chris positively beams. 

He and Carla leave the room for real this time. “Night, Dad. Love you! Night, Buck. Love you!” Chris calls. “See you tomorrow!”

“Love you, too,” Buck and Eddie return, nearly in unison. They watch Chris and Carla until they disappear around a corner, at which point Buck turns to Eddie and says, “perceptive kid.”

Eddie grins - Buck can’t remember the last time the both of them smiled this much - and says, “it’s one of his many strengths.”

“Such as persuading me into a sleepover,” Buck adds. “By the way, are you okay with that? Chris just seemed so excited, but if you’re not up for it -”

“Buck. I’m up for a lot more sleepovers than just tomorrow.”

“Yeah?”

Eddie nods. “Starting now.” He scooches over in the bed as much as he can. There’s still barely enough space next to him for even the smallest of people, but Eddie is determined. “Come on, you can fit.”

“I doubt that,” Buck replies, but he’s already wedging himself in, exceedingly mindful of Eddie’s injuries. 

They end up smashed together, one of Buck’s legs hanging over the guardrail, Eddie more than halfway on top of Buck, a little bit too warm, a little bit too aware of the way the bed creaks rather ominously beneath them. But even like this they fit together in a way that feels right, their hands clasped like they had been in the ambulance. 

“I love you,” Buck says, and it’s barely been an hour but he doesn’t think he is ever going to get tired of saying those words. 

“I love you too,” Eddie whispers back. “Goodnight, Buck.”

“Goodnight, Eddie.”

thanks for reading!!! anyways i don’t know shit about the la river but it does exist and it does get super high in the rain sometimes so. yeah. idk about if they would need to drive over it or not but whatever this is fantasy land. i hope you enjoyed this fic!!! love u all <3

[heknewwhoyoureallyare]

This dance that he did in this video is almost the exact same replica of how he get laid every night. Even the costuming in this video are exactly right. Complete with the backward cap on to show his bad boy status to the world. Let me explain to you about the meaning of this sacred dance: First he walked into a random dodgy bar without any shirt on, only with his black shorts and sneakers, and the backward cap of course.

All bad boy and cocky, while smiling at the bouncer who will then give him respect and letting him in. After he get in, he walked up to the random hottest slut that he sees in that place. He then started to perform his mating ritual by doing his Pec bounce dance at the hot fine piece of ass and the big tits of his choosing. The bitch who tried to be an upstanding respectful good citizen of the society, will pretend that she is disgusted by it (even though, in reality it drives her wild and crazy! Crazy horny that is). She then turn around and show him her fine piece of ass, and bouncing it up and down a little bit, as a retaliation to his pec bounce. All the while pretending to talk to her real ‘friends’.

This Man who got so impressed by her hot bouncy juicy ass started to ask her a for a dance, by only using his fingers. He doesn’t say much only “come here girl” but judging by his body language, he was very commanding about it.

The cumdump who is allready horny because of the pec bounce that he did, can’t resist those killer smile and dominant attitude anymore and accept his invitation to a dance right away, (despite of her jealous friends objection). The two lovebirds then started to grind on each other in the middle of the dance floor, with her twerking her ass on his big dick and him grinding his big fat cut cock in her bum, with only a few fabrics that separated them and their intimate parts from each other. This public show of an affection, has ignite the excitement and intrigue to the emotion of the other people around them, at the bar. The other bar customers then starting to tell each other about what a beautiful and cute couple they really are. Which makes her ‘friends’ even more jealous.

The Bad boy then beginning to realize that bullying is about to be happen. He then realized that his immense charisma, his beautifully sculpted body, his killer smile, handsome face, and his bad boy attitude has led these beautiful but jealous bitches to start putting down his even more hotter and more physically pleasing in-the-eye sexual partner for the night. Their method of bullying is, by calling her demeaning words that are associated to women, for example ‘slut’ and ‘skank’. You know the word that only men are allowed to use in the bed with his sexual partner of his choice? The one to spice things up? Anyway these ratchet bitches try to slutshaming her and making her feel guilty for being with him. They are also trying so hard to make her fight her own sexual urges as a woman, which is her basic natural instincts for reproduction. This type of behaviors is very wrong and extremely toxic in the eyes of this particular Alpha. So just like a real true Alpha out there, this Man quickly take an action to this situation, and save the day. Like a Commanding Soldier helping a civilian at war, or a White Knight saving a maiden from a Dragon/Evil Witches. He then asked her if she would like to join him to go to somewhere else but here. Under the reason that he has a special gift for her. A very special gift!

The Superhot Slut who is beyond horny right now, say yes to whatever he said and start following him around to the street, while at the same time ignoring her used-to-be-friends/bitches say. Our protagonist Alpha Hero then took her to his place, which is practically a dirty room apartment full of jockstraps, huge ass television, some gym equipment, Gangster movie posters, Football equipment, Dirty Dishes, Unwashed Clothes, HP laptop and gaming console. He basically taking her to his Mancave. Naturally The Woman should feel grossed out about this, but for some reason this room awaken The True Essence of Womanhood in her. It gives her a sense purpose, to make her, to want to clean this place and help her Man to have a better and a more convenient life. She also can’t help to smell the arousing aroma in this apartment. The smell of Manliness. The smell of stingky, intoxicating, but protective aroma that can only be found in Alphas room.

The Alpha then say to his Lovely Fuck Meat, “Are you ready for the special gift that I’m about to give you?” The Woman just nodded shyly, he then dropped down his short pant and show her his big fat 10 inch cut cock. The Woman than open her mother in admiration, she never seen such a beautiful cock on such a beautiful man before. The Man then say “I’m sorry I forgot to tell you” The Woman then ask “what is it?” The Man then replied “I’m poor”. The Woman then felt confused and ask him again “so”. The Man then give her The Most Naugthiest Baddest Boy smile that he can ever give and said “I’m poor so I can’t afford some condoms right now, I guess we just have to fuck without protection tonight” say the Man slyly. The Woman start gigling, she become very shy at the presence of his huge amount of confidence. She just said “Can you pull out though?” The Man said “probably, would you care to find out?”

3 hours later The Man is Fucking her Vagina in the most gruesome way as possible. Punching his big fat long cock inside her pussy reaching out to her guts. She allready cum more than 10 times allready because of this, but he have not cum even once. He just got hornier and hornier every minute. When she ask him if he’s tired yet, he just flex his bicep and said “I’m not easily tired” and continue fucking her Doggystyle position. Eventually The Woman felt very tired, she couldn’t take it anymore and she just ask him to cum allready. Feeling pity to this beautiful but exhausted broad, he gave her two choices for this matter, either he cum in her back, but then they would never meet again, or he get to cum inside her pussy and into her stomach and then they can exchange phone numbers for more free fucking session in the near future. The Woman then ask him what if she become pregnant, of which he replied “Bitch than I just have take you to the abortion clinic! I don’t give a shit about any baby, I just want you to respect my seed..” The Woman who hated his personality, but is highly impressed by his big fat long cock, his stamina, and his fucking skill can’t pass up the chance to fuck him again in the future. She then choose the second option, and he started to poured cum all over the inside of her unprotected stomach. He really is such a kidney tickler. After he finished fucking her raw, he went outside fully naked to get some drink and check on his phone. When he came back to his room she allready fell asleep prettyly in his bed. He then take a photo of her using his Iphone and send it to his all boys Whatsapp group friends that called “The Bang Boys”. Where him and his male alpha friends posted all of the photos that the girls that they just bang out, but made promised to each other to never leaked any the photos to anyone outside the group. Any rule breaker will be severely beaten.

Below the photo of this woman, he type the caption “My Conquest for today boys, I made her to take all of my seed for tonight!” The Boys then start cheering him and showering him with lots of admiration, compliments, and congratulations. She really is a trophy fuck. When The boys ask him how did he manage to get such a fine speciment of a woman into his bed. He made this dance in the morning to teach them step by step guide on how to pick up girls his way. The dance has become sacred for the ‘The Bang Boys’ ever since.

[engelkeijsers]

Hey, I don’t know how many of you know this already, but LGBT+ rights have been violated in Poland for years now. Last year in July there was a pride parade in BIałystok, where people got beaten up for just participating and threatened with violence, and the gay flag was burned. During that time, there was also an incident, where a couple brought dangerous explosives to the pride march with plans to stop it and likely hurt or kill the people attending. They were only charged with attempted assault and were sentenced to 12 months in jail each, since under the Polish Constitution there's no such thing as a hate-crime on LGBTQ+ people. Later on the same year (2019), 1/3 of the whole country has declared itself an anti-LGBT zone/LGBT free zone. For months now, the rightist media and the main political party PIS (Prawo i Sprawiedliwość, which is Law and Justice in English) constantly call us an ideology and say how we want to destroy the Polish tradition and demoralize the children with our “deviations”, all that on national television and public appereances. At some point in the year, there was an installation of a giant rainbow in Warsaw. It was set on fire by homophobes, then it got rebuilt and set on fire again. Not long before this year’s election (which hapened in June) president Andrzej Duda, a member of PIS, introduced to the people a document called Karta Rodziny (more info about that here and here), signed it and announced it would be the end of the “LGBT ideology propaganda”. Also, this year a popular polish rigthtist anti-abortion and anti-lgbt activitst Kaja Godek has made a statement on public television, that "Gay people want to adopt children, because they want to molest and rape them”. For this statement she got sued by a group of gay people, who were (obviously) hurt by her words. She was deemed innocent, because the people that sued her couldn't prove they were gay and therefore couldn't prove they were personally hurt by her words. This incident alone proves that not only the public, the media and the government are against us, but also the "independent" courts. In this year’s election (mentioned above), Andrzej Duda was re-elected. His beliefs, as you could probably already tell, are extremely homophobic, but he’s not the only one in our government. Other polish politicians have said very hurtful things about the LGBT+ community; for example, Polish deputy Czarnek has said that LGBT has the same roots as Hitler’s national socialism. In some of Polish cities, mostly the big and popular ones, homophobic and and pro-life trucks are driving around, proclaiming that LGBT+ people are pedophiles and want to sexualize kids in schools (because we wanted sexual education). Poland is considered the most homophobic country in the EU.

Now, after all of this information you’re probably wondering where I’m going with all this, it didn’t happen recently after all. And you’re right, the last thing mentioned above was two months ago (which isn’t long, but isn’t ‘recently’ either). But this was just an introduction to what’s happening right now, at this moment.

Recently, Margot (Małgorzata Szutowicz, an LGBT activist; she/her pronouns) from StopBzdurom (eng: StopTheNonsense) organization was charged for vandalizing a car (which belonged to a Polish anti-LGBT organization) and for hanging rainbow flags on monuments as a form of protest against the blatant homophobia. She was arrested a few times and charged also for “violation of religious feelings”. A few days ago, she was put into 2 month pre-trial detention. Three days ago, Margot walked to the cops to be volountarily arrested but they didn’t take her. Instead, two hours later they made a scene and took her using force, without a warning. When the rest of the protestors surrounded the scene and started blocking the police cars, cops started using violence and arresting random people. Polish left wing deputees were with the protesters, covering them from the police with their own bodies and were getting law attorneys for the arrested protesters. The law attorneys however weren’t let to talk to those people until 1:30am. In Polish television, the journalists while talking about recent events were continously misgendering Margot by using her deadname and wrong pronouns.

The best way you can help right now is by educating yourself, your friends, family and mutuals on what’s happening in Poland right now, signing petitions (links below) and just checking on your polish LGBT mutuals and friends, they really need your love and support.

LINKS TO PETITIONS:

Abolish current anti-LGBT laws and protect LGBT people in Poland, call the EU to intervene

Ban acces to all EU funding programs to businesses operating in polish LGBT-free zones

We're under attack in Poland

EU: Stand with Poland’s LGBT communities

hold polish president andrzej duda accountable for hate speech against lgbt+ community

PETITION TO THE EUROPEAN COMISSION

PETITION TO MAKE SAFE ABORTION LEGAL IN POLAND

Also, if you want to donate, do not donate to change org. IF YOU WANT TO DONATE, DO IT HERE:

miłość nie wyklucza

stop bzdurom - fund for lawyers, more wild actions, and stickers

darowizna lambda warszawa

Please reblog and spread the news, so more people can know about this!!

[stormyreadingsxx]

Tarot Suits

As an infophile (at least how my astrology chart describes me), I've found that I love sharing, consolidating, and using the information I've amassed in a strange life. Heavy on the Virgo and Gemini placements, it seems I've gathered a LOT of knowledge along the way (although how useful it is remains to be seen). It was a book that explained in depth to me what all the planets in our charts mean, their positions amongst each other, and how one Gemini sun Libra moon could completely differ from another with different house placements. The way Co--Star throws it all in our faces, sometimes too much data is overwhelming and does the opposite of informing any of us.

Sometimes, corroborating information is exactly what I need. Just like there are four elements that govern every astrological sign of the Zodiac (water, fire, earth, and air), there are four suits to be found in our Tarot decks. Wands, Cups, Pentacles, and Swords. Each one relates to a certain aspect in everyone's lives, bodies, spirits, and emotions. Like I am bound to my earthy, grounded, and stable nature, what the cards mean starts with their suit and number.

Each card number and court member have their own general themes and meanings. This is expanded on by whatever **suit **they fall in. People have a tendency to hope for the profound guidance of the Major Arcana cards when they get readings (like Death, The Sun, Judgement, etc...) to give them a sign and explain their next steps. But, given all the information that can be found in our Minor cards, they can turn out to be an astute and enlightening reading just the same.

Wands

"Wands describe your spirit, motion, and action. When this suit comes up, it's time to do something!"

Think of the fire signs you know (if you know any). I'm a firm believer in needing all the pieces of our cosmic puzzle for it to start holding water, but in personal experience they are are exactly how one would think. Live-wires. Sometimes impulsive, maybe loud. Passionate. Never a dull moment, usually a fun time (people crave this energy or to let loose with them often). Usually saying exactly what was meant.

If you let a fire dominant person handle your deck before a reading, don't be too surprised if some Wands fall out (Pentacles and Swords drop for me constantly as a Virgo sun, moon, AND Gemini rising). Aries, Leos, Sagittarius all come to my mind in movement. They've made the decision, maybe the deliberation wasn't long outside of the moment. But they are always in action, and as someone who lacks this fiery initiative in my own makeup, I kind of love it (in an anxiety-inducing way).

Their energy and ways are often primal. It may not be so easy for you to express yourself at times, but for most of this suit it can be guaranteed. The suit of Wands is about inspiration, passion, strength, and determination. What drives you? What are you willing to do to go get it? These cards are all about what make you tick, but they can also point out the presence of illusions, tricks, and maybe self-deception. As can be expected, both sides of the spectrum lay waiting there.

This element is masculine, powerful, and in line with fiery Mars energy. Fire is hot, wild, unpredictable, and energetic. It can be creative in helping us to cook food or build tools, or it can be destructive, like a devastating bush fire or house fire.

“Should a Tarot reading be predominantly Wands cards, you can be sure that you are seeking solutions to issues that are based mainly in the realm of thought, or that are in the first stages of development.”

These cards are not limited only to people with flaming zodiac signs in the charts, rather they take a look at what motivates and energizes one’s soul.

Cups

“Cups describe your emotions and relationships. When this suit comes up it’s time to listen to your intuition!”

If Wands were flames, then Cups are their equal and opposite reaction: water. Fire yields transformation, and water sure can too. But the feisty element was about action. Water-holding Cups are all about how we feel on the inside. How we process these emotions and go throughout our every day lives. Wands hold a distinctly masculine energy, but our friend water here brings a feminine power into play. Stable. Cleansing. Purifying.

Our emotional consciousness is very important, especially when it comes to relationships, feelings, and our connection to this world and everything at work. In movement and in flow, water is still something that creates power in a different way. A person in control and in the knowledge of their own feelings holds a quiet power, one that is often appreciated.

“Cups Tarot cards indicate that you are thinking with your heart rather than your head, and thus reflect your spontaneous responses and your habitual reactions to situations. Cups are also linked to creativity, romanticism, fantasy and imagination.“

If the deck is speaking to you in Cups cards, maybe you are seeking relief or resolution to interpersonal troubles. Perhaps expressing yourself or how you feel, or maybe a more love related matter. It is always important to pay attention to your deck’s tone for the day and what they have to say. Often times, cards may not sync up with your current situation but a situation a few weeks/months in the future.

Pentacles

“Pentacles describes your material world, body, and finances. When this suit comes up, listen to your common sense!” 

Ah, ruling a large part of my personal domain, earth signs (and maybe Virgos in particular) can have a bit of a ‘loss’ mindset. ‘What do I need?’ ‘What can I do?’ My VIrgo is most often in the fourth house (of homes and family ties). I like to nest, hoard things that I or someone else may need in the future, and focus on having what I need. The Pentacles encompasses the tangible things in life. You don’t have to be materialistic to realize things, to a certain extent, matter.

Pentacles, like Cups, is a divinely feminine and responsible element. Are you prepared perfectly the night before a trip or do you wing it? Make plans out of the blue or prefer to hyper schedule instead? I can speak for my virginal sign when I say I am at my best and happiest when prepared and helping someone else be prepared. The Suit of Pentacles Tarot cards deal with the physical or external level of consciousness and thus mirror the outer situations of your  health, finances, work, and creativity. They have to do with what we make of our outer surroundings – how we create it, shape it, transform  it and grow it. On a more esoteric level, Pentacles are associated with  the ego, self-esteem and self-image.

To have a lot of these earth messages come to you, it means you’re grappling with extremely real obstacles and things in your way. Have confidence you can overcome them!

Swords

“Describe your thoughts and state of mind. When this suit comes up, it’s time to make a plan and let go of worry!”

Swords I probably pull more than Pentacles for myself (which is interesting since as a Gemini rising I apparently present as an air sign, first not the neurotic earth sign I truly am). Who are we without our beliefs? For the death penalty? Against it? Abortion? Space travel? Our lives shape what we believe in and our stances for or against things. What we think and where we draw the line differentiates ourselves from another. Swords are all about the fine line between good, bad, and our own inner dialogues.

“Swords are often double-edged and in this way the Suit of Swords  symbolizes the fine balance between intellect and power and how these  two elements can be used for good or evil. As such, the Swords must be  balanced by spirit (Wands) and feeling (Cups) to have the most positive effect.“

If you find a deck speaking to you constantly in Swords, you may be fighting a mental battle (guilty LMFAO). Struggling with decisions you can’t bear to make or maybe arguing against your own nature, Swords may ask you to wrangle the ego inside of yourself to BE your best self. Taking action is important and necessary, but remember that each action has a consequence. Likely good and bad ones.

When I get Swords, I try to stop and think what they could be about.

[minervacasterly]

~No Other Way: Mary’s Failed Escape Attempt~

As things between Lady Mary and her half-brother, King Edward VI got progressively worse, her imperial cousin, Charles V took action. He sent imperial ships that were disguised as merchant ships to England. The plan was to take her away from England and use her as a figurehead to intimidate Edward VI and his council. However, like every other escape plans, these failed.

“On the evening of Monday, 30 June 1550, three imperial warships arrived off the coast of Essex. Further out to sea, they were supported by four larger vessels. This little fleet, commanded by the Dutchman Cornelius Scepperus, had encountered a flat calm. The next day one of the ships made its way to Stansgate and a small boat, with two men in it, rowed ashore. They claimed to be grain merchants and took with them a sample of their corn, but when they got ashore they found things unnervingly quiet. There was no one to meet them and they were obliged to return to their ship without having spoken to any local people. They had, however, been observed, and by quizzical eyes. People living around about, especially in the small port of Maldon at the head of the Blackwater estuary, knew of the rumors and wondered about the true motives of these Flemings who had materialized overnight. They were not convinced that the grain vessel was alone or that it had become with innocent intent. Though there was a long history of problems with Scottish pirates plundering the imperial merchant fleet, which might explain the need for an adequately defended ship, something about this vessel seemed wrong. The real purpose, they feared, was altogether more sinister. Nearby at Woodham Walter the Lady Mary had been in residence since early May. Her confrontation with the government was well known and the possibility of her attempting to flee England had been all the talk in this part of Essex for weeks. It was hard to keep anything secret in a large household, where people came and went and not everyone was trustworthy, even if they seemed devoted. Yet few people could have anticipated quite how the enterprise would finally be abandoned. The saga of Mary’s abortive attempt to escape from England to what she hoped would be a secure haven in the Low Countries was well documented at the time. It has elements of almost surreal comedy: disguises, frantic attempts to keep something secret of which the authorities were well aware and the final, complete deflation of Mary’s refusal to seize the chance when offered. At its heart was a troubled woman under severe strain, who entertained the fantasy that creeps into the minds of many people who are stressed almost beyond their mental resources–that running away offers a simple solution to all their difficulties. It is less the act itself which matters, more its contemplation. Perhaps this explains the contradictory nature of Mary’s behaviour in the summer of 1550. A woman who had shown remarkable fortitude over so many years could not, for a time, cope with yet another assault. To call this weakness would be a harsh judgement of Mary, who could not forget the past … Charles V also thought long and hard about whether, in agreeing to Mary’s repeated requests that he should furnish her with a means of escape, he was doing the right thing. As always with the emperor, his doubts about the wisdom of the enterprise were partly inspired by an uneasiness about whether he would actually be doing his cousin a service and partly overshadowed by political considerations. Aside from the hazardous nature of getting her away by ship, once gone she became financially dependent on him and could not serve his purpose by acting as the rallying force of principled opposition in England. He was also preoccupied with his preparations for leaving Brussels, which he did at the end of May, to go and take up residence at Augsburg. Ill and unhappy, beset with costly wars and rebellious subjects, this weary man who was losing his grip on his vast empire must have found Mary’s troubles little more than a minor irritation. His instinct, and his instructions to Van der Delft, pointed towards calming Mary down and persuading her to temporise. Eventually, he reluctantly agreed to help her. The plan for Mary’s flight was put together over a two-month period between May and July 1550 and the princess was very much its moving force. She had convinced herself that not just her religion but her life was in danger. This was the answer she gave to Van der Delft, when he pointed out to her that, if the king died, her absence could deprive her of the crown and would probably ensure the triumph of religious change for good: ‘If my brother were to die, I should be far better out of the kingdom; because as soon as he were dead, before the people knew it, they would despatch me too; there is no doubt of that, because you know that there is nobody about the king’s person or in the government who is not inimical to me.’ The problem with following the emperor’s advice on temporising was that her own, grim experience told her quite the reverse: ‘I fear I may tarry too long,’ she said. ‘When they send me orders forbidding me the mass, I shall expect to suffer as I suffered once during my father’s lifetime; they will order me to withdraw thirty miles from any navigable river or sea-port, and will deprive me of my confidential servants, and, having reduced me to the utmost destitution, they will deal with me as they please. But I will rather suffer death than stain my conscience.’ Her suspicion of the council was profound. They were ‘wicked and wily in their actions and particularly malevolent towards me’ … Mary had given some thought to the details of her escape. Van der Delft acknowledged that the first plan developed was Mary’s idea and he believed it could be made to work. Or perhaps it would be truer to say that he hoped it would work, because it relieved him of involvement, and the thought that he might be compromised alarmed him. Like Mary, he had a regard for his own personal security and that of his family. His desire to be of service to the princess was tinged with growing anxiety, especially as he was ill and arrangements were already in hand for him to leave England himself. The essence of Mary’s scheme was that she should be as close to the sea as possible, to facilitate her escape by water … Royal lady as she was, Mary did not initially contemplate going alone. She wanted with her ‘four of her ladies whom she trusts more than the rest’ (interesting to note that she evidently had reservations about some of them) plus Rochester himself and two unnamed gentlemen, one of whom was ‘very rich but would willingly give up all that he possesses to follow my lady to a place of safety’. Apart from these people, Mary would take nothing with her ‘except her rings and jewels. The plate she uses belongs to the king,’ wrote the ambassador, ‘as, I suppose the tapestries and other furniture do.’ Van der Delft said that no one apart from himself, his secretary and Rochester knew of the princess’s plan. Whether that was true or not, it involved too many people to be practical. Then the possibility of a boat being procured in England evaporated. The month of May came and went with Mary still in Essex and still exhorting the ambassador and his master to help her leave. Matters stalled when the government introduced restrictions on all movements at night, so that ‘no roads or crossroads, no harbours or creeks, nor any passage or outlet’ escaped the vigilance of ‘good folk who had something to lose’. This was a reference to the possibility of further summer uprisings like those of the preceding year, but a secondary motive for the council may have been to restrict Mary and frustrate her possibility of flight. The plan that was finally put into action took shape after Charles V had left Brussels and was approved by him on 25 June. Its driving force may have been his sister, Mary of Hungary, the regent of the Low Countries, who was more inclined to make decisions and take action. She also wanted to ensure that any repercussions were minimised, particularly in the event of failure. This meant waiting until Van der Delft had left, so he could not be implicated, and it also required that his successor, Jehan Scheyfve, a man of whom the regent did not think much, was kept completely in the dark. Thus it fell to Jehan Dubois, secretary to the imperial embassy in London, to take on the burden of managing the revised escape plan. He was more than equal to the task; in fact, he carried out his part of it in exemplary fashion. But it did not succeed. The emperor foresaw difficulties when he gave his sister his guarded approbation. All concerned should be aware of the need for flexibility and not try ‘to reckon the thing too exactly from day to day, as if the sea were a fixed and invariable factor, permitting such undertakings as may be carried out on land’. He thought that there was inevitably some danger and that speed was vital, or the details might leak out. ‘As for disguising our cousin,’ he wrote, ‘I will leave that to those in charge … but no disguise need be used as to whether or not I knew of the undertaking, and it will be better to be quite open about it … for we have the best of reasons and have done all we could to protect our cousin’s person and conscience … and holding back as long as possible from this extreme measure, which it has now become imperative to resort to because of the attitude adopted in England.’ Charles was evidently not given to cloak-and-daggery and he was determined to put the blame on Edward’s councillors. He was more concerned that the pursuit of Scottish pirates, the pretext for his ships being in English waters, could lead to difficulties if the ambassadors expected from Scotland at any time arrived in Brussels before the ships set sail. In the event, none of the difficulties foreseen by Charles V happened. The reason Mary did not leave was straightforward. She had changed her mind. Or, put another way, when faced, at last, with the opportunity to go, she could not bring herself to do it.“

As before, Mary was faced with a difficult choice. She could have left and enjoy moments of bliss. But these would pass in time. She probably remembered the lessons in history. Although she had the fighting spirit of her Trastamara grandparents and Tudor grandfather, she knew that it would be a huge gamble to run away and then attempt to take the throne. Not to mention, the people who still believed in her. Many of them would still support her, but returning back wouldn’t be easy. Everything her enemies had accused her of, would start to ring true, and she could end up the same way as La Beltraneja, de la Pole and other pretenders who fled to foreign countries for protection and when they tried to come back to claim what they viewed was rightfully theirs, they failed. And then there was also the more personal aspect of this: her mother had refused the easy way out, clinging on to her title of queen and asking Mary to obey her father but also to persevere. This was one of her most harrowing trials where the end lesson was: she was on her own and could trust no one but herself and rely on her unwavering faith to see her the coming struggles.

Source quoted: The Myth of Bloody Mary by Linda Porter. For more information on this failed escape, I also recommend H.F.M. Prescott’s biography on Mary, The Spanish Tudor. She doesn’t have a favorable opinion on Mary but the biography is repleted with plenty of details and and this is one subject that she expands upon.

[maryellencarter]

So Twitter is full of noises about the thing in the White House being on dexamethasone, which is apparently a "heavy steroid", and people discussing all the side effects and how important it is to be careful with corticosteroids and how significant it is that a doctor would pull out such a metaphorically big gun. This post is not actually about politics, but I am realizing that a medical incident in my life was a whole fucking lot weirder than I knew at the time.

I think the year was 2010, but it may have been 2008 or 2009. Some of you know that I barely remember 2010, which also partly explains why I'm just realizing this was so weird. I was living with my emotionally abusive family and had not yet realized I was queer. Early in the year, I had had a major physical collapse due to four and a half years of extreme physical and mental stress, starvation, emotional abuse, and general aggressive neglect (see also "Remodel of Doom"). No doctors, because that was not my bio-family's way. I was walking with a stick and got too shaky to stand if anything slightly stressful happened, including "2 seconds of an action movie soundtrack on the TV". I also had undiagnosed PCOS, resulting in high testosterone, a definite beard, and chest hair, and was genderfluid but had not been able to acknowledge it even to myself due to religious brainwashing, resulting in an uncomfortable ping-ponging between a desire to appear cis-female or a general indisposition to do any such thing.

So due to the beardliness (the extreme shakiness and general collapse was not acknowledged), I was taken to an endocrinologist. There was something odd about this endocrinologist. I don't remember the specifics, whether he was just new in town, but I have a vague notion that the dealings were somehow under-the-table. If it was 2010 I'm doing well to remember the name of the dexamethasone, but I have a strong visual memory that his name wasn't on the sign out front and he was seeing patients in someone else's office (which could totally have an innocent explanation), and a vague notion that we had been recommended to see him through the same weird anti-medical... I'm not sure if "black market" is too strong a word, but the same network that had gotten us in touch with the Amish people who sold a camphor-and-turpentine concoction we were using instead of actual medicine to prevent my brother from needing his toe amputated. (Long story, some other time.)

So, as I was saying, I was brought to this possibly rather fishy endocrinologist. I was not encouraged to talk, which was normal for my bio-family (@camshaft22 is still trying to get it through my head that I'm allowed to have an opinion on my treatment). I was exhibited to the endocrinologist, and also to a dietician who talked uselessly about portion control like almost every other dietician I have seen.

Of course, the correct medical treatment for PCOS is a course of hormonal birth control. This was of course strictly forbidden by my bio-family's fundie beliefs as SUPPORTING THE ABORTION INDUSTRY; our primary selection criterion for any medical professional was "refuses to prescribe anything with any possible birth control effect under any circumstances whatsoever", (although an exception was made for the reflexologist / iridologist / really spectacularly well-meaning quack who sold St John's wort, presumably as he included sufficient warnings about it being dangerous to pregnancies), and we would drive far and wide to access fundie medical care on the rare occasions that Epsom salts, mysterious Amish remedies, and generally waiting for our immune systems to work didn't fix something.

So, getting back around to the beginning of the story, I was prescribed dexamethasone. Not, as is apparently the normal medical standard, a one-week or two-week course. There was no plan to taper me off it. I was supposed to take it *permanently*. After two months supposedly my beard would fall out and not grow back unless I were to discontinue the dexamethasone.

I obediently started taking the dexamethasone, because hey, I was a brainwashed kid. (I was actually early twenties, but the brainwashing included not thinking of myself as having any autonomy or ability to make decisions. These were the people who had me convinced I was a dangerous psychopath and could not be allowed out of their control, which is also another story for another time.)

Anyway, after a week or two, the aforementioned extreme shakiness and overstressed condition plus the *permanent course of heavy fucking corticosteroids* had me feeling like an eighty-year-old with Parkinson's. I was constantly trembling all over, couldn't stand up without my stick, felt like I was on the verge of another massive breakdown. This sense-memory is why I am fairly confident about putting this incident in 2010. I was a fucking wreck.

So, being as I had discovered the Internet during the five-year Remodel of Doom (having had to spend my days at the library in order to have access to indoor plumbing, *also* a story for another time), I began googling. I read carefully through the dexamethasone page on Wikipedia. I discovered exactly no evidence that anybody remotely reputable had ever used dexamethasone for hirsutism. (Googling *now*, I find a study from 1998 indicating that if you're also on antiandrogens like spironolactone, the medicines trans ladies use to suppress their beardliness, low-dose dexamethasone can help you stay less beardly for longer after you go off both pills. But 2010 Google plus a tortoise with no experience in identifying reliable sources led me to basically Wikipedia.) All I could find that had any bearing on gender or sex at all was that dexamethasone was sometimes given off-label to pregnant women who were considered at high risk of having intersex babies, to try to make the fetus turn out Cis Girl instead of "onoes we must cut off your baby's clitoris because it's too big and looks a little too much like a dick".

So, based on the fact that I was not pregnant, not a fetus, and in retrospect not on *any actual antiandrogen treatment*, I decided to carefully taper myself off the dexamethasone. (Wikipedia warned about the dangers of going off dexamethasone suddenly.) Which I did, and luckily suffered no particular ill effects, and never saw the weird possibly-unlicensed endocrinologist again. But that was a hell of a thing to have happen, and the prevalence of dexamethasone in the news reminded me of it.

[solacekames]

(This is a great serious study with a lot of data, which is the only way to fight this online disinformation shit. 

I’m already accustomed to us Japanese-Americans being almost completely unable to have online public conversations because we get trolled to the point of nausea by creepy fetishists, fakers and just plain racist trolls. But it could get worse. It IS getting worse. 

While a lot of the article may sound very “water is wet” please don’t be dismissive of it. It’s very important.)

Members of vulnerable groups such as the Latino, Muslim, and Jewish communities are being disproportionately targeted online with disinformation, harassment, and computational propaganda — and they don’t trust big social platforms to help them, according to new research by the Palo Alto–based Institute for the Future’s Digital Intelligence Lab shared exclusively with BuzzFeed News.

Researchers found that online messages and images on platforms such as Twitter that originate in the Latino, Muslim, and Jewish communities are co-opted by extremists to spread division and disinformation, often resulting in more social media engagement for the extremists. This causes members of social groups to pull away from online conversations and platforms, and to stop using them to engage and organize, further ceding ground to trolls and extremists.

“We think that the general goal of this [activity] is to create a spiral of silence to prevent people from participating in politics online, or to prevent them from using these platforms to organize or communicate,” said Samuel Woolley, the director of the Digital Intelligence Lab. The platforms, meanwhile, have mainly met these complaints with inaction, according to the research.

Woolley said he expects strategies like fomenting division, spreading disinformation, and co-opting narratives that were used by bad actors in the 2016 election to be employed in the upcoming 2020 election. “In 2020 what we hypothesize is that social groups, religious groups, and issue voting groups will be the primary target of” this kind of activity, he said.

The lab commissioned eight case studies from academics and think tank researchers to look at how different social and issues groups in the US are affected by what researchers call “computational propaganda” (“the assemblage of social media platforms, autonomous agents, and big data tasked with the manipulation of public opinion” — i.e., digital propaganda). The groups studied were Muslim Americans, Latino Americans, moderate Republicans, immigration activists, black women gun owners, environmental activists, anti-abortion and abortion rights activists, and Jewish Americans.

In one example, immigration activists told researchers that a “know your rights” flyer instructing people what to do when stopped by ICE was photoshopped to include false information, and then spread on social media. A member of the Council on American-Islamic Relations said the hashtag related to the organization’s name (#CAIR) has been “taken over by haters” and used to harass Muslims. Researchers who looked at anti-Latino messaging on Reddit also found that extremist voices discussing Latino topics “appear to be louder than their supporters.”

Jewish Americans interviewed by researchers said online conversations about Israel have reached a new level of toxicity. They spoke of “non-bot Twitter mobs” targeting people, and “coordinated misinformation campaigns conducted by Jewish organizations, trying to propagandize Jews.”

“What we've come to understand is that it's oftentimes the most vulnerable social groups and minority communities that are the targets of computational propaganda,” Woolley told BuzzFeed News.

These findings align with other data that reinforces how these social groups bear the brunt of online harassment. According to a 2019 report from the ADL, 27% of black Americans, 30% of Latinos, 35% of Muslims, and 63% of the LGBTQ+ communities in the United States have been harassed online because of their identity.

BOTS

While bots were generally not a dominant presence in the Twitter conversations analyzed by researchers, automated accounts were used to spread hateful or harassing messages to different communities.

Tweets gathered about the Arizona Republican primary to replace John McCain in the Senate and his funeral last year showed that bots tried to direct moderate Republicans to america-hijacked.com, an anti-Semitic conspiracy website. (It has not published new material since 2017.) Researchers also found that Twitter discussions about reproductive rights saw anti-abortion bots spread harassing language, while pro–abortion rights bots spread politically divisive messages.

Researchers used the Botometer tool to identify likely automated accounts, and gathered millions of tweets based on hashtags for analysis. They combined this data analysis with interviews conducted with members of the communities being studied. The goal was to identify and quantify the human consequences of computational propaganda, according to Woolley.

“The results range from chilling effects and disenfranchisement to psychological and physical harm,” reads an executive summary from Woolley and Katie Joseff, the lab’s research director.

Joseff said people in the studied communities feel they’re being targeted and outmaneuvered by extremist groups and that they don’t “have the allyship of the platforms.”

“They didn't trust the platforms to help them,” she said.

In response to a request for comment, a Twitter spokesperson pointed to the company's review of its efforts to protect election integrity during the 2018 midterms elections.

"With elections taking place around the globe leading up to 2020, we continue to build on our efforts to address the threats posed by hostile foreign and domestic actors. We're working to foster an environment conducive to healthy, meaningful conversations on our service," said an emailed statement from the spokesperson. (Reddit, the other social platform studied in the research, did not immediately reply to a request for comment.)

Joseff and Woolley said more extreme and insular social media platforms like Gab and 8Chan are where harassment campaigns and messaging about certain social groups is incubated. Ideas that begin on these platforms later dictate the conversation that takes place on more mainstream social media platforms. “The niche platforms like Gab or 8Chan are spaces where the culture around this kind of language becomes fermented and is built,” Woolley said. “That’s why you’re seeing the cross-pollination of attacks across more mainstream social media platforms … directed at multiple different types of groups.”

Co-opting

Researchers found that several of the communities studied are dealing with hashtag and content co-opting, a process by which something used by a group to promote a message or cause gets turned on its head and exploited by opponents.

For example, immigration activists interviewed for one case study said they’ve seen anti-immigration campaigns “video-taping activists and portraying them as ICE officers online, and reframing images to represent immigrant organizations as white supremacist supporters.”

Those interviewed said the perpetrators are tech savvy, “use social media to track and disrupt activism events, and have created memes of minorities looting after a natural disaster.”

The researchers found that messages initially pushed out by immigration activists were consistently co-opted by their opponents — and that these counter-narrative messages generate more engagement than the original, as shown in this graphic representing one example:

“In all cases but one a narrative was consistently drowned out by a counter narrative,” the researchers wrote.

Another case study about Latino Americans gathered data from Reddit. It found that members of r/The_Donald, a major pro-Trump subreddit where racist and extremist content often surfaces, were hugely influential in organizing and promoting discussions related to the Latino community. By filling Reddit with their content, as well as organizing megathreads and other group discussions, they drowned out Latino voices. Researchers also wrote that trolls have at times impersonated experts “in attempts to sow discord and false narratives” related to Latino issues.

Old Tropes

The specific disinformation identified by researchers was often connected to long-running conspiracies or false claims. The case studies about online conversations about women’s reproductive rights and climate science found that old tropes and falsehoods continue to drive divisive conversations.

In the case of women’s reproductive rights, researchers studied 1.7 million tweets posted between Aug. 27 and Sept. 7 last year to coincide with the timing of the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing. The two most prominent disinformation campaigns identified were false claims about Planned Parenthood. One false claim was that the founder of the organization started it to target black people for abortions. This is based on a deliberate misquote of what Margaret Sanger actually said, which was in fact to warn against people thinking the organization was targeting black Americans.

“Recurrence of age-old conspiracies or tropes occurred across many of the case studies,” Joseff said.

Key to the spread of hate, division, and disinformation online is inaction from social media companies. Many of those interviewed for the studies said that when a harassment campaign is underway they have nowhere to turn, and the tech giants don’t take any action.

“There is just so much, it can't be a full-time job,” the director of a chapter of CAIR told researchers when asked about muting or blocking those who send hateful messages.

When platforms do take action, they sometimes end up banning the wrong people. One interview subject who participates in online activism related to immigration issues said that Twitter removed the account of a key Black Lives Matter march organizer last June.

“Subsequently the march was sent into disarray and could have been avoided would major voices of social rights activist organizers have been present in the conversation,” the researchers wrote.

The case studies also identified the fact that algorithms and other key elements of how social media platforms work are easily co-opted by bad actors.

“Their algorithms are gameable and can result in biased or hateful trends,” the executive summary said. “What spreads on their platforms can result in very real offline political violence, let alone the psychological impact from online trolling and harassment.” 

[noregretsjust-love]

When a pregnancy is terminated, people who are pro-life will call it murder, stating the child “did not have a choice”. That someone else was making a choice for them.

Well...

When a child is killed in a school shooting, an adult with a gun made a choice to end the life of a child; not the child.

When a parent chooses not to vaccinate their child and their child catches, and possibly dies, from a preventable communicable disease, the parent made the choice for their child; not the child.

When the same parent, mentioned above, chooses not to vaccinate their child and their child passes along a disease to an immunocompromised child who dies, a parent’s choice resulted in the death of the child; not the child.

When a parent chooses to vaccinate their child and their child becomes vaccine injured, a parent made that choice for their child; not the child.

When a child is brought into an unstable home environment, is neglected and abused and ends up dying, the abuser made the choice to end the life of the child; not the child.

When a child is extremely medically fragile and sick, and the parents decide to sign a DNR, even if they discuss with the child, by law, the parents are making the decision for the child; not the child.

When a child dies in a car accident after being hit by a drunk driver, the driver’s choice to drive drunk resulted in the death of a child; not the child.

My point is, all these abortion bans are not about protecting the life of the child in totality. Every single day children die or are hurt because of the actions of an adult. Adults make decisions for children all the time (both good and bad). If protecting unborn children was truly the only reason behind abortion, everyone who calls abortion “murder” and talks about “innocent babies” would be for universal health care, better education, comprehensive sex education, access to free birth control, paid maternity leave, increased government financial support for children born into poverty, stricter sentencing for child abusers and rapists, reduced access to firearms, a reformation of our foster care system, etc.

You are allowed to think abortion is murder, you are allowed to be against it; you are also allowed to be for it. No matter your stance, please deeply consider why you feel that way and if your reasoning truly aligns with your actions. Educate yourself. If you truly want to reduce abortions, banning them has been proven not to be the way to do it. If you say “adoption is always an option” take a good look at the cost of adoption and the state of our current foster care system and see what you can do to help reform it. If you say “she should have kept her legs closed and used birth control”, look up the failure rates of birth control and how many people get abortions due to failed birth control. Education is power and until we are all truly educated on what works and what doesn’t, we will never make progress.

[lilbasedqueen]

story of my fucking life

First off I wanna start by saying my intention on putting this all out in the open isn’t to tarnish whatever pedestal some people might hold Adam upon. I should’ve have seen from the beginning that he was nothing but a literal walking garbage can.

Adam and I met in September of 2015, at Jamba Juice. He was my manager at the time and not shortly after he quit and I took his job. Somewhere down the line (maybe 5 months) I met and stupidly started dating Adams roommate. This OF COURSE made Adam jealous, because he saw someone have something he wanted, someone who at the time didn’t want him back. Anyway, that shit DID NOT work out, if I ever met anyone WORSE than Adam, it’s Joe. Don’t ever fw a Taurus who’s also a recovering addict, it don’t work. No matter how hard I tried to help him, he never wanted it, never accepted it, I’d bet all the $ in the world he relapsed.

After things ended between Joe and I, I would still talk to and hit up Adam, mainly because he sold me weed. Now at this time, Adam had a girlfriend who he had moved out here from Hawaii and was living with him in the apartment that eventually became ours. I’m not exactly sure what the reasoning was for her leaving, but something made her go back home and thats when Adam and I started messing around. I should’ve took the fact that he so willingly cheated on this girl he was SOOOO IN LOVE WITH as a huge red flag but apparently I’m just as stupid as he is.

February 2016 was the first time Adam and I had sex, when we officially started dating and when I should’ve seen the signs of his narcissistic, emotionally abusive ways. When we first got together it was all about sex drugs and alcohol. I’m not gonna go deeeep into it, cause some stuff really is better left unsaid and unknown, but we spent the majority of almost everyday together drunk and high. We’d drive out to lake mead, Nelson’s landing, state line and back, intoxicated. I had become so infatuated with this BOY who gave me free weed and took me wherever I wanted, I got undeniably caught up in the moment and never once thought about how things would be down the line.

Fast forward to April 2016, my 22nd birthday. That night was when everything started going wrong. My debit card got stolen out of my wallet by someone I thought of like family, someone I trusted. That person, you know who you are, I will never EVER forgive them. Anyway, after that happened, I lost my bank account and all my money with it AND THEN Adam and I came home one day to find the apartment emptied of almost everything, roommates gone. They just packed up and left and I assume it was because of me. Joe was still living there even after Adam and I started dating, talk about awkward. So after these guys moved out and the other fucked me over, it was just Adam, Cloud and I, in a three bedroom apartment we couldn’t afford.

I had started working, Adam had gotten fired from his job. It was just us living off an 8.50/hr paycheck every two weeks.We could hardly afford to eat, but eventually Adam got a job at a restaurant as a server and things were starting to look up...until I first caught him hitting up girls/older women off of Craigslist sex. This continued throughout the entirety of our relationship, while I was pregnant, while I was in labor, and after. He spent the past three years only caring about himself and his shrimp dick.

So, after my first initial catching him talking to bitches, he got his phone shut off and eventually pawned it to pay rent...but somehow he was still managing to meet girls (through his job). I realize how much of an idiot I was and am, for not leaving, for believing his lies of changing, for falling in love with him. He’s become far to comfortable, and any chance he got of me leaving the house, he’d bring a girl up into our room, into our home. We went through about 8-9 roommates before we ended up on our own, and every single person would tell me the same thing: “He doesn’t deserve you.” At a point we had 6 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment, Adam and I had broken up, he broke up with me ONLY so he could fuck a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL in our house.

Let’s jump ahead, to September 2017, when I found out I was carrying this bum ass niggas baby. My initial reaction was fear, I had never EVER EVER wanted to be pregnant, especially by someone like him, but I was...and I couldn’t even get the pregnancy terminated which was my first choice. How shitty dos that sound? I so badly wanted away from this dude I was gonna have a whole ass abortion to do it. I was 24w pregnant and had only 3 months to completely GROW UP. I had to stop smoking, and drinking, which I had been doing up until the day we found out. Adam and I made a pact that if I couldn’t get high or drunk then neither could he...y’all could imagine how well that worked out. We were now living with his brother and his girlfriend, Adam was working at Carl’s Jr. and WAS STILL CHEATING ON ME WITH CRAIGSLIST WHORES. I just could not believe his thought process, what type of dude cheats on their pregnant girlfriend?! At this point, I was so far along in my pregnancy it was almost like I HAD TO STAY, he made me believe that everything would be different once that baby was earthside.

March, 2018. Zander was born in December and was now three months old. Hold onto your seats cus this where shit gets JUICY. So by this time we had moved out of his brothers house and into a real house, with my friends mom. Adam was now working at Levis, since he just up and quit Carl’s Jr. He was finally making decent money, working good hours to help and PROVIDE for his family like a man should. A friend of his had gave him this cheap ass Obama phone, since he didn’t have one, so that I could call and text him when needed. He hardly ever used that phone to contact me, but instead he again WAS FINDING PPL OFF CRAIGSLIST TO FUCK. Me being the curious cat that I am, I went and looked in that phone to see just who he was talking to and again this is when I should’ve left. Adam was now not only cheating on me with FEMALES, but this dude was LEGITIMATELY hitting up other guys. He was texting someone named Alex, who I at the time assumed was a girl but me being the spy that I am, I put that phone number into my phone and it popped up on Snapchat AS A DUDE!!

So, the year went on and our relationship at this point is nonexistent. I harbored so much hate and anger and resentment toward him I had absolutely no tears left to shed over him and his disgusting ways. By August of 2018, we had moved out of the house, and into the co do we are still currently in. He was at Levis from May 2017 until November, fired yet again from another job. In December he started working at FedEx, and my health was the worst it had ever been. I wasn’t eating, hardly sleeping, my headaches were completely incapacitating me, I couldn’t care for myself let alone my child. I was alone at night from 5-11 while he went to work at FedEx, alone and in pain and left to care for a baby.

Three days before Zanders first birthday, I woke up at 4am on Thursday morning, got out of bed and fell to the ground, where I started having a partial seizure, awake and aware of every going on, unable to move or speak. I was completely STUCK on the ground almost the whole entire time while I waited for my dad to pick me up and take me to the ER. I was in the worst pain of my life, and honestly wished I would’ve just died so I did t have to feel like that anymore. I was brought back to surgery around I think noon, came out around 2pm. Anesthesia is a HELL OF A DRUG, that shit is so crazy bro, almost as crazy as all the shit I put up with.

You’d think after having BRAIN SURGERY, your boyfriend would do anything he could to make life easier for you but shit just went back to the way it always has been. I was the one cleaning, taking care of the baby, cooking, taking care of the dogs. I JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL FROM BRAIN SURGERY and it was back to how shit had always been. All things considered I was feeling better, but it was shitty having your significant other not give a shit about you or your health. Dude could hardly be bothered to visit me in the hospital I had to BEG him to come see me.

Now, we jump ahead to today...2019 and I’ve again caught him on CL hitting up people. At this point Adam is again UNEMPLOYED, hasn’t had a job since March. We haven’t paid Mays rent, can’t pay bills or buy food because he uses MY ebt card as if it’s his. Now, I say people because at this point I have no clue if it’s guys or girls he’s trying to talk to. I had about two other more times where I saw gay stuff that rose my suspicions as to whether or not Adam like boys...I mean I hook up with girls so what’s to be embarrassed about? Right now is May 23, 3 days ago I was on my email on MY PHONE, checking emails like anyone else would, when I saw yet again something from Craigslist. Emails exchanged since JANUARY up until now, between Adam and another guy, talking about stuff they’ve done, Adam asking him if he wants to suck his dick again, and if they can smoke. I realize one reason for his actions is Adams extreme addiction to cannabis. He hits up people online to ‘party and play’, who tf ever thinks their baby daddy is a closet homosexual? People say you can’t be addicted to weed but I assure this nigga is an addict. When he’s not high he’s grumpy and rude and takes everything out on everyone but once he smokes his whole mf mood changes.

I literally feel like my whole last four years of my life is a movie. Who the hell finds out their boyfriend cheated on them with MEN? lol wtf bro, is this even real? But yes, it is, so very real and so very much my life. Adam and I broke up two days ago, and unfortunately for me, I got no where else to go. So for all of you who constantly ask me if I’m okay, if everything’s alright, NO IM NOT OKAY, no everything’s not alright. My life is a fucking prison, and I have nowhere to go to escape him and his absolute toxic ways.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #199

“mama, just killed a man; put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he’s dead.”

Who is the nicest person you’ve ever met? I dunno, I've truly met so many. How about the meanest? Literally my former best friend, all things considered. I too often ignored her overwhelming ratio of bad versus positive traits. She was an absolute witch when entirely unnecessary to most she met, and even to those she did like, she could be extremely rude and just. Yeah, mean. Do you prefer sugar cookies or peanut butter cookies? Hmmm, probably sugar. Chocolate chip cookies or Oreos? Chocolate chip. What is on your mouse pad? I don't have one. Who was the last person to yell at you? Mom. Why did they yell at you? I don't recall, I just know it was her. What was the last thing you spoke to your mom about? I can't remember. It was as she was leaving for work and nothing major. Where was the last place you took a train to? Never been on a train. What is your favorite sleeping position? What about sitting? Sitting, idk. But I sleep like, kinda on my stomach but twist to my side with my arms positioned up like a fetus' or something. My legs are just kinda just splayed out or bent a bit beside each other. When is the last time you felt appreciated for something you did? Had to be something with Sara when she needed some comfort. Do you ever call friends just to have a casual conversation with them? I don't willingly call anyone. I've texted/messaged friends at random though. Are you the type of person who gets straight to the point? Not really. Do you enjoy playing board games? No. Are there any movies you are wanting to see? The new How To Train Your Dragon, ahhhh! Probably gonna see it with Sara when she comes. Who was the last contact you stored into your cell phone, if you have one? Probably VR. What was the last song you sang along to? Uhhh something by Powerwolf in the shower. Are you a fan of the band Taking Back Sunday? Never heard 'em. Nachos or tacos? I hate tacos, but nachos are literally the best. Do you think Kurt Cobain was assassinated? This is a conspiracy I'm not really educated on. *shrugs* I barely ever rule shit out now after going down the conspiracy theories rabbit hole. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Not at all. Does it annoy you when people wish away their lives? I'm guessing you mean just wish for things instead of taking action towards achieving them? Yes, it does. Wishing isn't gonna do a damn thing for you. Have you ever lived with somebody with truly repulsive habits? No. Do you tend to say things because they’re appropriate not because you mean them? No. I've probably done it, but not enough to recall an occasion. What was the last thing to perplex you? Some conspiracy theory in Shane Dawson's new series I thought was pretty far-fetched. I've already forgotten it. What was the last thing to fascinate you? Another theory in the same series mentioned above lol. It was about the fires in California. Do you ever have really good dreams, and then the whole next day, you’re in a really good mood because of that really good dream? No. What’s the last thing you bought at the mall? A book. What are you listening to? "Fire & Forgive" by Powerwolf. Have you ever wanted to go to the moon? Not really. Is your favorite author the author of your favorite book? No. What are you looking forward to the most? Settling down comfortably with Sara with nice jobs, pets we love, a house we feel is perfect for us, and just. Yeah, all of that. ;v; What’s the last CD you bought? I haven't bought one since Hollywood Undead's "Swan Songs." Is that your favorite cd by that artist? I'm not too familiar with their albums, but I think? What food do you eat the most of? Idk, really. Meats? Some form of bread? What food do you not eat enough of? Vegetables. If you HAD to look like someone else, but could choose who, who would you choose? Probably Suzy Hanson. I'm gay as all fuck hell for that sweetheart. What’s something you’re proud of yourself for? DEDICATING TO THE PROCESS OF RECOVERY. Think of your favorite band… if you got to talk to ONE person from that band, who would it be, and why them? Ozzy because he is my granddad, savior, and most importantly, spirit animal. Have you ever seen someone get a tattoo done? If so, what was it? Did they cry or were they in a lot of pain? Yeah; it was a watercolor feather with "ohana" written on it. She didn't cry, nor was it excruciating. What do you like on hot dogs? Ketchup and mustard. Favorite sport team? I'm biased towards the Carolina Hurricanes because of Dad. Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? No. Have you ever lived with someone who was a total slob? Yup. Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? N/A Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? Yeah, or close to it. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? No. What’s your opinion on lottery tickets? Waste of money, or no? A waste and a risk for addiction. What are some things that make others cry, that don’t make you cry at all? Well, this is hard. I cry at pretty much anything moving. Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? No. Can you run in heels? I highly doubt that. My balance is bad as it is. Do you think anyone has given up on you? I'm sure Colleen has. When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? Today, but literally most days on FB anyway with my stepmother and abortion. Do you pay your own cellphone bill, or do your parents pay it for you? Dad pays it. Have you seen every Harry Potter movie in theaters? No. Have you ever been pregnant? No. Would you ever drive a hearse for your car? Fuck yeah I would if I could decorate it some. What snacks do you usually take to the beach with you? I haven't gone to the beach consistently enough to known. Do you like to eat tomato soup along with your grilled cheese? No. Have you ever watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer? No. Do you have thick or thin hair? Thick as all fuck. If you have thick hair, do you get it thinned when you get it cut? I get it like, tapered so the ends aren't so abrupt. If you have thin hair, do you wish it were thick? N/A What kind of shoes do you normally purchase? Converse or Vans. Did you like Pokemon or Digimon when you were younger? Pokemon was and still is everything. Do you sleep with your hair up or down? It's too short to go up, but I didn't when it was long. When you go swimming, do you put your hair up or down? ^ Do you do any special workouts to stay in shape? I've started doing some yoga exercises and push-ups everyday to try to get IN shape. If you’re a girl, do you have big hips? Too big? I'd say they're fine. Is there a day you’d just like to forget? Which one? The day I ODed. Girls, do you think you look good in dresses or not? I haven't worn a dress since my sister's wedding three years ago... and I looked awful. Have you ever taken a pottery class before? No. What is the one stereotype people label you as most? Don't really hear those nowadays. Who makes you the most angry in your life right now? My last fucking school. How many times have you seen Star Wars? Be honest. Literally once, and I hated it. It was incredibly uninteresting. Do you like flowers? What’s your favorite kind? YEAH. I love orchids and dahlias. How many grades have you failed in your life? None. Do you own a car? Who provides your insurance if so? No. Are you someone who can easily keep a secret? Yup. When was the last time you painted something? December, a painting for Sara. Who was the last female you hung out with? My mom. When is the next time you’re going on vacation? Hell if I know. Are you currently renting out your own apartment? No. Have you taken anyone’s virginity? No. Have you ever had anyone drop off animals at your house and what kind? No. Have you ever made your boy/girlfriend choose between you and someone else? No. Do you remember when some of the Walmarts had a McDonald’s in them? Our neighboring town still has one. When was the last time you were somewhere that offered free Wi-Fi? I dunno. What color are your curtains and are you satisfied with this color? Maroon, and yes. When was the last time you were stung by a bee and what kind was it? Last year by a bumblebee. Do you know anyone personally who had their house burn down before? Yes. What’s your favorite kind of potato chip and are they cheap to buy? Hm. Maybe classic... or cool ranch. Who was the last male you hung out with? My dad. Are you self-conscious? You have no idea. Do you tend to get sick more often in the wintertime? If not, is there a certain season that you get sick more often in besides winter? No. I rarely ever get sick. Do you find yourself being more of a germaphobe when you’re in public? Uh, duh. What is the worst thing you’ve seen in a public restroom? Blood under the seat. And I mean quite a bit. I usually check under them now after that event with Colleen. Nerdy question time. If you were in a more medieval time period, would you prefer to excel in might, magic, or finesse? MAGIC. Do you have an friends from foreign countries? Are they online friends or foreign exchange students? Or perhaps you have some from both? Online friends. Have you ever studied how your last name originated? Yeah. What is one recipe that you would like to learn how to make? Hell, a lot. I need to know how to cook period. How many hours can you go after a meal before you are hungry again? Does the time vary off how big of a meal it was? Depends on what I ate. Can be like... 4-5 hours or I can fast and go beyond 16. Really varies. What was your favorite Backstreet Boys song? HUNNY don't DO THIS. Oh Lord. I really don't think I can pick. I know back then it was "The Call," though. Favorite *N Sync song? Probably "Bye Bye Bye." Which of those two bands did you like best? Backstreet Boys. *heart eyes drool emoji* Do you learn choreography easily? I was okay back in dance, but I doubt it now. My memory and focus have declined. What is the theme of this year’s wall calendar? Idk, Mom hasn't changed it yet. Do you believe that Jesus will come back in your lifetime? I don't believe that concept. Do you still have your favorite toy from when you were kid? Apparently no; asked Mom recently outta curiosity, and I was VERY surprised. I don't know how I ever could've gotten rid of him. Which do you do more: read books, spend time online, or watch television? Guess. What do you do the most when you’re online? Listen to/watch YouTube. Is your 2019 off to a good start? Eh, I suppose. What color is your winter coat? I don't have one. What’s your favorite candy to receive on Halloween? Reese's. Do you think you’re too old to go trick-or-treating? Well, according to society. Do you have a bobblehead? If yes, what does your bobblehead look like? No. Were you afraid of heights as a child? No. What’s the strangest thing you’ve wrapped a present in? Nothing odd? Can you read in the car? I don't know if I've ever done that? Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Would you ever take a solo road trip? Nah. What is the most fascinating part of nature? Shit dude, idk. There's so much. Evolution, maybe. When did you last go to the library? What book(s) did you check out? Couldn't tell ya. Have you ever gotten in trouble for running up your phone bill? Nope. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don't plan to any time soon. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? Very fast. Do you believe in the concept of global warming? It's 2019. "Concept" my ass. Have you ever worked in retail? Never again. Are you even a little bit racist? No. Were you more fond of swings, monkey bars, or seesaws as a child? Swings. Do you believe in a near-future apocalyptic event? We can't predict that. A meteor could fuck us tonight, or the supervolcano in Yellowstone could erupt the next time I blink. May not be for thousands of years. Do you have a chandelier in your home? No. Do you have a bar with stools? No. Don’t you love American Horror Story: Asylum? I didn't watch it. When’s the last time you blew some bubbles? No clue. Are you self conscious about your nails? Not too much. Which pair of pants that you own are your favorites? Why do you like them? Pretty much all I have are yoga pants and leggings that all look the same... Now if I can include pj pants, the soft, black, white, and lilac Jack Skellington ones I have. They're comfy. Have you ever had any kind of dangerous addiction? What’s this addiction? No. Are your parents still married, divorced, or split up? Like this decision? Divorced. And I mean, any person would wish their parents were together ideally, but just with how mine always fought and just constantly seemed angry at each other, I'm glad they are. Are you a Jeffree Star fan? Or no? Do you think he’s awesome/dumb? I love that alien. His personality is so bubbly, he cracks me the hell up, and he's gone through so much growth. Are any of your favorite shows too dirty for television? Which ones? No. Are there any colorful quilts in your room? Which ones are colorful? No. Do you own a guitar? Specify. Which brand of guitar do you own? I do, but I don't recall the brand; I don't play it anymore. I just know it's black and white. Are you a monogamous person? Or do you hate commitment? Monogamous. Who was the last person who was rude to you? Idk, probably Mom. Have you ever met someone in person that you first met online? Yeah. Have you ever taken a test to see if you are colorblind? No. Who do you know who is dyslexic? Idk. Describe your dream wedding in five words. Small, memorable, gothic, emotional, and sincere are a few words I can think of. Is weed legal in your state? No. Have you ever thrown up in class? In kindergarten, I believe. What is something that you used to be ashamed of, but now you’re not? Mmmmm I dunno. OH ACTUALLY, for quite a while I was embarrassed of liking Pokemon for yeeeaaars because at that time it was seen as "weird," but now like. Give me everything Pokemon. Have you ever held a newborn baby? No. Are a ton of your Facebook friends getting married and having kids now? Yes. I sometimes forget we're at that age where it's kinda normal. What’s the last supernatural thing that happened to you? Idk. If you’re a Christian, how long have you known the Lord? N/A Do you live in an apartment, condo, dorm, or house? A house. Do you have a sibling with the same first initial as you? Well, it's his nickname. Do you ever eat kids’ food (as in, meals made for kids)? Hell yeah, give me that fuckin nachos Lunchable. Do you remember pre-school? I have vague memories. How old were you when you made your first friend? Two. What is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating? The Incredibles 2, probably. What is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “That book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)? It's game over if you recognize my Markiplier tattoo lmao. Do you refer to yourself by any sort of fan nickname (Belieber, Little Monster, etc.)? I will always be a GMM mythical beast, fucking fight me. What sort of situations make you feel most self-conscious or inadequate? Are there any people or places that just make you want to crawl into a hole? If you can’t think of anything specific, can you remember the last time (or any time) you felt this way? When I'm in a position where it's my responsibility to be knowledgeable, hence why I've struggled so immensely with work. Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? I use Ozzkat like, everywhere, and it's my fave. Are there any cities near you that you’re afraid to go to because of the crime rate or its other bad reputations? Yes. Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? Ha, yeah. Can you remember the last thing you thought and subsequently thought, “wow, I really shouldn’t be thinking that”? PTSD and OCD alike give me intrusive thoughts occasionally, so. How long does it take you in the morning to fix your hair? It takes just a few seconds to wet my hand(s) and go over the back where it usually sticks up like crazy. My hair is otherwise short enough where I have to do like... nothing. Have you ever been in a situation where you had to be around your ex everyday? No. Do you prefer kisses on the nose, cheek or forehead? Cheek. Have you seen someone recently you used to talk to, but don’t anymore? No. Do you prefer a lot of ice in your drinks or just a little bit of ice? None. I don't like it to water down my drink, and even with water, I worry about one/some small ones going down my throat. Well, in margaritas it's obviously fine, just because it's so fine. Which condiment (ketchup, mustard, etc.) do you use the most of? Ketchup or honey mustard. Would you ever flirt with somebody in front of your parents? With my s/o, sure, just not if it's even mildly sexual. Have your parents ever questioned your virginity? Yeah. Have you ever spent over $100.00 on an article of clothing? What was it? FUCK no. Do you think your parents know things about you that you don’t want them to? Mom might. I doubt Dad does. How many of your friends play World of Warcraft? I think Sam still does, maybe Alex, and then I have a number of acquaintances exclusive to the game. Actually Girt might too... maybe. I just know he keeps up with the lore. Are caterpillars more cute or disgusting? CUTE. Would you rather receive roses or sunflowers? I'd appreciate either, but I prefer roses as flowers. Is your dad bald? No. Surprised honestly; he's in his mid-50s, and while it's gray, there's no less of it than there's always been. Who is the most boring or dullest person that you know of? Uhhhhhhhh I dunno. How long do you have until your birthday? Three days y e e t Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes. Do you remember the name of the first bar you ever went to? Never been to one. Were you of age? N/A When was the last time you wanted to do something, but couldn’t? With how Sara's been such a flirt lately, I deadass wanna pin her to a wall and go ham. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't for the sake of avoiding a headache and getting dizzy. Anything you might be giving up on soon? In the back of my mind, every once in a while lately, my hope's dimmed for photography, but I just refuse to give up. Have you ever made any kind of video? Yeah. Have you ever taken someone back after they’ve cheated? Hell no. How many living grandparents do you still have? One. Is there a garage or carport attached to your house? No. Have you ever stayed in a hotel without your parents or older relatives? No.