#and coughing so much that ppl think he needs a hospital bc he wants to seem human

[monachopism]

poll time we need to get this settled

[lesbixch]

i was reading someones post on sayaka here and i generally agreed w it but i wanted to write my own thoughts on sayaka, reading her as a young girl who... fundamentally hates herself. like i think ppl dont notice that she doesnt like herself in the beginning of the story and they think it comes out of nowhere. but her self hate motivates literally everything she does in pmmm. i think people miss that the cause effect structure here, thinking that sayaka does things and that makes her hate herself. to me it is more that sayaka hates herself, therefore she does things to punish herself, to self harm, to self sabotage, and occasionally scrambles to do something for other people to try to drown out that self hate - which of course rarely works. not very coherent, but heres 5 points under the cut

discussion of suicide self harm and depression tw

1. in the background of pmmm, sayaka has known kyosuke since they were little. presumably she started liking him bc he was good at violin and she.... probably wasnt. she was kinda sorta friends w him but not really, and pmmm (and hitomi) make it very clear that she has struggled w confessing to him. this already hints at her not having high self esteem. when she tries to make him feel better after his accident, she brings him CDs to listen to in the hospital. im reading into it but i genuinely dont think sayaka thinks of herself as interesting enough to just TALK to kyousuke while hes there. she NEEDS another thing to take the attention off her - music - to even interact w him. she doesnt think that her presence, her being there as a FRIEND is going to cheer him up all that much. like she brings up music as a conversational topic and physically brings CDs for kyousuke to listen to enough times that HE starts interpreting it as some kind of cruel joke shes playing on him. this to me is a sign that she does not like herself, and she doesnt understand why other ppl would like her as a person either, unless she was doing something for them.

(theres also smth to be said abt how much of her crush on kyosuke is bc she likes HIM as a person, rather than his talent, or after his accident, the idea that she can help him and feel useful herself. in some sense she tries to use him to feel valued and not hate herself. it doesnt work)

the important part here is that theres already signs that sayaka doesnt like herself, she doesnt have much self esteem, and she attempts to boost her self esteem by doing things for other people.

2. so sayaka doesnt really like herself. in the early eps, she talks about how unfair it is that people like her have a safe life and are offered a wish while many others struggle without having the same opportunity. extrapolating here, you can make the argument that sayaka doesnt like herself and doesnt think herself deserving of the happy safe life that others want so much. to be offered a wish on top of it feels like yet another thing to hate abt herself. she doesnt deserve a wish! she has not suffered enough to get a wish! shes guilty over it! shes safe, shes well fed, she has a roof over her head, and her self hate warps her mindset in such a way that she thinks of being offered a wish not as a happy fortunate event, but as something that reveals that she is stupid. she quite literally frames her caution around making a wish as being stupid and naive.....

there isnt really the language about 'deserving' in this scene, thats me reading into this a lot, but i do think later eps fit the same general theme. sayaka is a hero of justice fighting witches to save other people, but do other people deserve to be saved? (cough cough ep8 train scene). does she deserve to be saved? does she deserve to have a happy life? does she deserve to try a relationship with kyousuke? does she deserve to have madoka as a friend? does she deserve to be treated with kindness/pity by kyoko? i'd argue that the wish conversation in ep2 sets up these series of questions about what sayaka deserves pretty well. this scene, this early on, tells us that sayaka already feels guilt at being safe and okay. why should she be happy or safe when other people suffer. it just takes a little more self hate to push her into "i dont actually deserve to be happy or safe", which drives her self harm self hate spiral later.

3. sayakas attempts desperately to feel better abt herself by doing things for other people. early on she takes on the role of madokas protector, driving homura away with the fire extinguisher and promising to beat homura up - mami laughs and is like Anyway if something happens ill be there to protect you, which sayaka gets upset at. its played for laughs, and yet, if we take seriously the way that sayaka builds her self esteem up as a protector (of madoka, of kyosuke, of the people, of justice), it does smart a little. of course sayaka would be inclined to become a magical girl if it means she can protect others, which mami implies she cannot quite do as a regular girl. later sayaka wants to help mami - she brings a bat to a witch fight - and fails to help mami in any way in ep3. her helplessness, her guilt, her self hate all factor into her decision to become a magical girl. only then can she truly protect people right? only then will she be actually worth something, will she deserve to be alive?

now that ive argued my point that theres seeds planted early on that sayaka doesnt like herself, doesnt have self esteem, thinks of herself as worthless if she doesnt do things for others - it casts all her later actions as self sabotaging and self harming, and purposefully so, even if sayaka may not call it that. she takes the actions she takes bc she doesnt like herself, and it fuels her self hate, and she spirals into more and more self destructive actions in turn.

4. sayaka is weak as a magical girl - kyoko shows her that - and she is no longer needed by kyousuke, so her attempts at helping and protecting people fail to make her feel better. if shes weak, she cant protect people, and thus shes worthless. if she wishes for kyousuke to be healed, and he doesnt know, he wont thank her, and he wont like her, and he wont need her since the healing is already done. because sayaka fundamentally hates herself and thinks herself worthless, one act done to help someone isnt nearly enough to make her love or even value herself. especially when she can never be recognized for it.

(hitomi fits in here too - she will never know sayaka outright saved her in ep4, and sayaka will never get recognition or gratitude for it. instead, from sayakas POV, hitomi will basically betray her for it)

and heres where the spiraling/cyclical hate kicks in. she hates herself, so she thinks it selfish and horrible to ask for recognition/gratitude/being liked back in turn. but because she hates herself, she needs external recognition, gratitude, being liked back in turn to feel better about herself, to not feel worthless. she hates herself, so she doesnt talk to kyousuke at all (she doesnt deserve it), but not getting his attention, recognition, gratitude, kindness etc also makes her hate herself. she cant win, bc she cannot let herself win.

when hitomi brings up kyousuke, sayaka feels a burst of regret for saving her, and it fuels her self hate yet again - magical girls cant wish death on people!! she cant accept hitomis compromise to allow sayaka to confess first, bc she is ashamed of being a soulless husk. but she cant just accept that hitomi and kyousuke might get together bc... she wants to be needed and liked by them, especially kyousuke. she doesnt want to be a burden, a third wheel, a forgotten worthless friend. she wants to be special to someone, namely kyousuke. she wants to be needed and liked this desperately bc... she hates herself. huh! everything seems to come down to sayaka hating herself at the root of it !! she sabotages herself bc she hates fundamentally herself!!! if there is an option for sayaka to be better, she refuses it because she doesnt deserve to feel better, even if she wants to be better on some level - bc she hates herself !!!!!!!

relatedly, at any point in time, sayaka can ask for help from homura or madoka (or at least try), but she refuses to, bc she thinks she doesnt deserve it. she hates that she is weak enough to need help, it makes her hate herself more. kyubey plays on this by talking abt how much more powerful madoka would be as a magical girl than sayaka, and sayaka starts feeling resentful and jealous, and that fuels her self hate even more. i interpret the scene in ep8 where she lashes out at madoka as partially her resentment boiling up, but also partially a cry for help. she cannot ask for help the regular way, she can only do so in this indirect "well if ur so powerful why dont u take my place and suffer for me huh???" way, and it still fuels more self hate - this time not bc shes weak enough to be asking madoka to bail her out, but bc she purposefully hurts madoka. we can also interpret this scene as sayaka purposefully lashing out to drive madoka off bc she doesnt deserve to be with madoka anymore - a hollow husk, weak, worthless, and now feeling jealousy and resentment and not just self hate but hate towards hitomi, kyousuke, madoka. she could never deserve madokas kindness.

5. sayaka kind of knows shes self harming. shes def aware of it even if she wont admit it to other ppl. like i think she very purposefully does things that will hurt her bc, at her very core, she believes she deserves to hurt. she fundamentally hates herself and so will hurt herself and sabotage her relationships. she doesnt deserve to be safe, she doesnt deserve to not hurt, she doesnt deserve happiness, she doesnt deserve other peoples kindness. ive seen people frame it more as her blundering into yet another thing that spikes her self hate, and i just disagree with that. ive used the word purposefully in this post a bajillion times bc i think to a large extent sayaka is very cognizant of the actions shes taking. she knows being w madoka and asking for help would be better in the long run, but she purposefully doesnt do it. its self punishment, its self harm, its self sabotage so she gets even worse. its penance, and her wrongdoing is existing in the first place.

she actively and purposefully destroys her relationships, and refuses help. its an active choice, and she knows she will feel worse bc of it, but bc she hates herself and thinks herself undeserving, she carries out all these choices and actions. i think when people dont think deeply on this, they feel like sayaka is acting stupid bc "why doesnt she just do X, shes acting so stupidly" etc. but in sayakas mindset everything shes doing is crystal clear. there is no way other than to make herself suffer more and more.

its bc its framed as a willful, purposeful descent into suicidal depression that i see sayakas depression as one of the most meaningful arcs to me. i think when you are mentally ill and severely depressed, all her actions make intuitive sense. she starts out not liking herself, and everything onward is just her fueling her own self hate. thats how depression functions. it feels irrational on the outside and completely rational and sensical to the person carrying out these actions. her mindset is severely warped ofc - im not even gonna get into how her blackwhite thinking abt justice and fairness factors into this - but it makes sense to her. she doesnt see this as "i am depressed and i hate myself and i am getting more and more suicidal", but more so as "oh. im a worthless shell of a person who has never deserved anything! i cannot let myself strive for happiness in life". sayaka is not bumbling into this as a hapless victim, shes charging into suicide bc she cannot see a way out, and she cannot let herself see a way out. shes wallowing, shes punishing herself, shes sabotaging herself to the point where she wants to die more than she wants to live, and where she curses the world as a witch more than she wishes for something as a magical girl.

so much of madoka is abt agency to me, and that includes sayaka. im not saying depression is a choice, but self destruction IS - this is reflected in madokas own apotheosis/deification/enlightenment, whatever u call it. its again a question abt whether u would make a choice (or a wish) without knowing fully it entails. would you commit suicide if you knew things would get better? if you knew that you werent worthless, if you could believe it? i (maybe wishfully?) like to believe that sayaka gets to know this in rebellion - that there is a way for her to exist without constant pain and self hate, that living isnt something that is deserved but something that everyone should have, that she has people who care for her - and it makes her much less self destructive in turn.

[wooahaes]

Hmmm maybe joshua, hanahaki au? 😽

oooh... tbh i think i'd straight up just go for a joshua prequel for cause you're my flower.

this is probs gonna get long so uh. tw for angst + illness depictions via hanahaki + hospital mentions + also suffocation mentions (via the flowers). if you skipped the seungkwan fic, you should probably skip this too.

like. you know how it ends, sure, but i think there's a lot to say about joshua meeting reader in their sophomore year of college and falling for her (altho i can easily go back and change details to make this gn!reader) since there's not the full story in the other fic. i think it'd be a slower thing than illustrated of joshua slowly falling until he's in love. he decides to go ahead and act by asking you out, and you turn him down because you only ever thought of him as a friend. he accepts it with a smile and says that he hopes this doesn't damage your friendship at all: he still cares about you, and it isnt your fault he fell for you. just a very clear 'you aren't responsible for his feelings, it's his job to deal with them on his own.'

except he goes home and starts feeling... off. jeonghan comes back to their apartment and joshua coughs up flower petals, and both just immediately know whats going on. i dont remember if i said what joshua's flowers were? i don't think i did. maybe chrysanthemums since they mean death in some places in the world. jeonghan tells him he needs to see a doctor, joshua says he will.

and then he just... never does since he knows getting the flowers removed means he'll stop caring about his friend. he won't be able to love you at all if they're taken from him. he thinks, still stinging from rejection, that he'd rather die than live without you in his life. he told you that he wanted to stay friends with you, how was he supposed to turn around and tell you 'lol nvm, i can't see you ever again'??? he can't.

not all cases are fatal. joshua knows this. he just hopes he'll be lucky. he stays your friend and hides the petals well, because he just can't lose you. it eats him up inside to hear you talk about some dick you like (not out of jealousy--joshua has told you over and over that the guy you're crushing on is an asshole, but you claim he's always been nice to you, and he genuinely fears for you).

jeonghan fights with him. he calls him an idiot, and tells him that his mom keeps begging him to say something??? to find a way to convince you? she's tried so hard to get him to see a doctor, and she tells him she'll be flying back from the US to see him and help him through everything. it breaks him a bit when jeonghan tells him what she said: that she can't lose her son.

just. joshua angst. hes deeply conflicted between his love for his mom and his friends and the guilt he feels over this happening all because you didn't love him back, which isn't even your fault. he reads online where some ppl talk about how they hated the other person because of the flowers putting them through hell, people who did recover well, people who didn't... jeonghan comes into his room one night and takes his phone, setting it aside before curling up with him and telling him he has to take care of himself or he'll die. his mom doesn't want to lose her son. he doesn't want to lose his best friend, either.

he wakes up in the middle of the night coughing up flowers, climbing over jeonghan to make it to the bathroom in time. the buds are getting bigger, and he just stares at them with wet eyes bc it hurts so bad. and deep down, he thinks he should just accept it. he's the one who fell for you. it's his own fault for not loving someone who loved him back.

things get worse. you catch him coughing up petals (and an actual flower, but that much you don't see) one day, before it gets bad, and you confront him about it. he tells you outright that he didn't want you to feel guilty because it isn't your fault. you remind him that it is, and he only tells you that he could never hate you. you tell him he should because you don't love him back the way he deserves to be loved. you wish you could, at least to stop his suffering. you tell him that as much as you do love him as your friend, you'll make things easier for him and let this be the last time the two of you see one another. you've been planning on transferring to a different school for a while. you weren't sure how to tell him since you didn't want him to think it was because of this--you just had better scholarships there and the program was better for your major. but since the two of you don't share any classes anymore, you'll stop seeing him entirely. with one last hug, you tell him to please take care of himself and that you do love him (still not in the way that would fix this).

he goes home and probably just kind of breaks down in his kitchen after telling himself that he's completely fine. that this is good. but he can still feel shit in his throat, and he drops a glass, and it all just kind of comes crashing down around him. he texted jeonghan on the ride back about what happened, and he said he'd be home in a few minutes but he'd stop and grab him something sweet from the store. just as a tiny distraction from how much he's hurting. he sinks down onto the floor as he lets himself cry the way he needs to, everything just kind of coming to a crescendo.

and then he just realizes he can't catch his breath anymore. he reaches for his phone, trying to breathe. the door opens and he hears jeonghan call out for him, only to hear him scream his name before immediately pulling out his phone. the paramedics are on the way, and jeonghan is doing the best he can, guided by the person on the phone to help him. by the time they arrive, he's passed out and they're already working to clear his airways and making the call for an emergency procedure.

when joshua wakes up fully (coming in and out of consciousness for days bc fucking ouch), its to the sound of his mom talking to the nurse taking his vitals. he rouses, and the nurse is gentle before leaving to get his doctor. his mom cries and hugs him tight, calling him stupid for the first time since he did something dangerous as a child. but his limbs feel heavy as lead, and he tries his best to hold her and apologize.

when the doctor starts to ask questions, joshua realizes that... he doesn't remember anything about the person he fell in love with at all. not their name, the way they look, etc. and jeonghan has to be the one who steps in and tells him that the person isn't in his life anymore. its not unheard of for joshua to not remember anything about the person he fell in love with, but it isn't exactly common. they'll check back with him in a few days since he's staying for observation until he can be released: sometimes patients wake up not remembering, but remember more over the following days.

and he doesn't. joshua begs jeonghan to tell him something while his mom is out of the room (to get a proper meal--after joshua begged and jeonghan reassured her that he'd stay until she came back). so jeonghan agrees to tell him the basics: he met someone. he fell in love. they rejected him. and then he came home and began coughing up petals, and refused to get help to the point where jeonghan came home and found him collapsed on the floor. all of it gives him a headache, but he's thankful to have a little piece of his story back with him.

uh idk where i'd go from here. i'd probs leave jeonghan's story out and unwritten for a reason, but i'd maybe end it off a few years later with joshua getting the call from seokmin asking if he could convince his friend to go through with it bc he remembers enough about the suffering he went through. and joshua agrees without a second thought, not wanting anyone else to go through what he did.

[vakariansmonocle]

wish my brain wouldn't seethe for days on end about shit but also I have no way to vent things bc I don't have a therapist and I don't have a partner who is emotionally available for this shit rn (which is not me upset w/ them it's just a Fact)

like I wish I wasn't sitting here pissed off that I have to continue to defend myself constantly about being sick and being in immense pain or having to explain every fucking detail of my goddamn menstrual cycle to someone who is beyond the base line connection of being my in law, a fucking stranger just so I can have some semblance of understanding and fucking empathy for what's happening

I shouldn't have to constantly defend my fucking existence of being in pain and mental unwellness just because I "don't do enough" or "always have a reason to not do things" all bc someone has a partner that doesn't allow them to rest and expects her to do everything around the house like bro that's not my fucking problem. maybe refuckinevaluate the relationship your husband has with any fucking responsibility around the house beyond a JOB HE LITERALLY BARELY NEEDS TO DO ANYTHING FOR

sorry I spent most of my life pushing through every illness and pain I've ever fucking had to take care of myself and my partner is like hey I can help now and let's me rest, sometimes forces me to rest bc I have ALWAYS pushed through it even if I was puking my guts out even if I could barely breathe like jfc

Ive had to defend myself like this MY WHOLE LIFE bc ppl thought I was exaggerating it

my mom didn't think I was actually as sick as I was until I was barely breathing and begging to go to the doctor and then got mad at me for being so sick despite the doctor being like hey you're very close to pneumonia so if it doesn't ease up with these meds go to the hospital or you'll die

I'm so fucking tired of having to defend and over explain myself for EVERYTHING I do I'm TWENTY EIGHT I WILL BE TWENTY FUCKING NINE IN JUST A FEW MONTHS AND I AM STILL HAVING TO FUCKING DEFEND MY FUCKING EXISTENCE AND WHY I CANT DO SOMETHING AND STILL BEING ACCUSED OF DOING NOTHING EVEN THO I DO SO MUCH THAT I DONT WANT TO DO OR STUFF THAT MAKES ME SICK OR THINGS THROUGH MY PAIN OR ILLNESS

I've been sick for two fucking weeks bc I haven't had a fucking chance to properly rest; I've been so sick I've nearly puked from coughing multiple days. I've been so dizzy I have to sit down and not move. I couldnt walk to the kitchen without having to rest my lungs.

I'm so tired lmao I'm so fucking tired like sorry I exist and I'm chronically ill and have perma damaged lungs and if I'm not in constant pain I wanna fucking die on a good day lmao

every fucking parental figure in my life can choke on a fucking peanut and suck a fuck actually

not doing enough. take it up the ass of your misogynistic fucking husband and your fucking victim guilt tripping fucking complex I'm not your child and fuck your feelings actually

[bangtanxm]

Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Kim Seokjin | Jin Characters: Kim Seokjin | Jin, Jeon Jungkook, Kim Namjoon | RM, Park Jimin (BTS), Kim Taehyung | V, Min Yoongi | Suga, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope Additional Tags: how to even categorize.., reverse... fake... sugar daddy au?, terrified fake sugar daddy jeon jungkook, supremely confident fake sugar baby/professional competitive eater kim seokjin, daddy kink goofs but no actual daddy kink, subversion of tropes? hopefully?, sidepairs bc hi it's me, Eventual Smut, Humor, Angst, buddy this shit got angsty, mentions of emotional abuse/brief domestic violence/ generally shitty dads, but the bad guys get what's coming to them, Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn Summary:

"I guess," Jungkook pauses momentarily to inhale a deep, bracing breath, "I would just want you to come to my work events and laugh at my jokes and don't correct people if they imply that we're doing it."

"Having sex, you mean," Jin clarifies gently, and Jungkook chokes on air. If his face was any redder, Jin would insist on taking him to the hospital. Jungkook clears his throat, obviously trying to play off the strangled, choked sound as a casual cough.

"Yes. Doing... sex."

(Hedge Fund wunderkind and Certified Awkward Gay Jungkook needs a sugar baby to show off at work, and Professional Competitive Eater and Objectively Beautiful Human Jin just wants to stop working shitty side-jobs. Fake Sugar Daddy AU. A trope and a half.)

Dear Author, this fic was chosen by our bookclub members and recommended for this months theme “slow burn”. Below the cut you’ll find their comments on why they loved your wonderful story!

“I love a good concept for fic, and a face sugar dating  au sign me up!!! honestly this is one of my all-time favourite fics, cos its not only funny and entertaining but it has so much heart!!! like i just love the vibe of the fic, and i wish i could keep reading it forever. Plus the characters are so like-able and feel so human. Also jinkook holds a special place in my heart, and jk being all shy in the beginning and jins confidence is an unmatched pairing!!! EVERYONE JUST READ IT, ITS SO FUCKING GOOD, okay im done now sorry…" [@tinysweetscrown​]

“I read this a while ago, and also everything else by minverse… Everything they write is gold, the character construction, the dialogue, the relationship/chemistry, the humour, the plots…just everything. Fake Sugar kept me up at night with its brilliance and originality, i couldn’t get enough of jin and jungkook’s relationship, but also all the other members’ interaction and storyline. It’s expertly written and i sincerely think everyone should read it, if they have not already.” [anon]

“Aaaaaah i love this so much!!! I absolutely love the characterisation of jin!!! I find it very refreshing! In some ways it’s completely /jin/ yet in others it’s such a nee and fun way of describing him (the fact that hes a competition eater absolutely sends me its just. So! Jin!) i also love jungkook!!! Tiny gay babie kook having to impress ppl he doesnt want to impress and getting competitive over that dindjdjd once again i could genuienly see it happening! And oh boy oh boy am i excited to see how this story pans out! The little appearances by the rest of bangtan as well i love it! It all flows very naturally and none of the cameos feel forced or anything. AND JIMIN UDJDJDJD I LOVE HIM. the fact that hes just a chaotic brat having dumpster sex and causing trouble oh my god im still crying jsbsjsnjs.” [anon]

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

[lcvebitcs]

oh boy... hi ppl, i’m DORIAN & i’ll be bringing quite a few muses into the mix --- so read below the cut to know tf i’m up to if u dare !

this is MICHAEL

one of the originals, this boy is messy af... he’s also kind of sweet but don’t trust that. don’t this no hoe.

he lives surrounded by girls. I MEAN LITERALLY. i think he has a fanclub or w/e, wherever he goes they follow him around & he’s just chillin’ & listening to music w his earphones on

so, backing up a little --- michael is the strongest & eldest sibling of the original vamp!fam. but he actually doesn’t like showing off, he hates fighting. he likes human, he likes vampire, werwolves... ok so he does have a bias against witches but tf one of them CURSED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY SO THAT’S TO BE EXPECTED

he loves his siblings to death, even if he’s not sure how to express this properly

STORY GOES, his father aka papa original had three wives, his mother was the first wife and she wasn’t all too happy to have to put up w other 2 hoes

she was ... not excited to be a mom. she didn’t want the thing. but the thing was there.

all the moms used their children to kind of gain Attention 👏

his father did not like him very much either. michael was a bit of a rebellious child, and because of that he’d often get ‘punished’. he’d also get double punished bc whatever his siblings did wrong he’d claim it was him so they didn’t have to go thru that

for most of his childhood his mom didn’t want him to socialize with the other children bc they were um.......... a nusiance *cough* but he did anyways & she scolded him for that

since he had no time to play, he learned how to do a lot... he can play a lot of instruments, though his favorite is the violin. he knows a lot about a lot.

at some point he was like i DONT WANNA STUDY I WANNA PLAY W THE OTHERS

and his mother threw him in a fucking lake bc how dare u talk back u lil shit

he almost drowned... it was not fun

michael’s not a big fan of lakes. or water in general

i mean he’s cool w showers but that’s about it.

because he had an........... unusual ;;;;;;; relationship with his mom in the past, and because he learned she had an affair with his uncle when he was v young, he started to think ‘hey... maybe love doesn’t exist and ppl just screw other other’ not to mention he was involved with a lot of girls at that same time. he doesn’t understand love. he thinks it’s a big fat lie and that’s it. just an illusion. he’ll get mad if u try to tell him otherwise or laugh it off.

he mistakes passion for lust and lust for love. it’s all scrambled up in hid head.

he helped his mom to kill his own father, but i’m not gonna lie he was pretty excited and upset he didn’t get to rip out his throat. michael will usually refer to him as ‘that old man’, never by name oops.

but then again, he also plotted w his siblings to kill his own mother so yk.

after awhile he started to think she didn’t love him as she claimed, and instead only liked to manipulate him, so they orchestrated a plan. he was to relieved the final blow, but he held back at the time and the injury wasn’t fatal. he pretty much fled and has been keeping his distance from everyone since.

he loves roses, but he hates white roses. red roses mean passion and love whereas white roses mean lack of it, so he thinks.

he loves his fedora. he never takes it off unless he’s totally at ease.

although he has had a lot... i mean A LOT of girlfriends, when he gets bored he just moves on w/o explanation. love is a foreign concept to him.

overall i say he doesn’t like being alone for long periods of time, but it’s hard to see him in a bad mood because michael is very good at concealing his emotions

he’s a very upbeat person, at least he portrays himself that way

he hates his eyes because they’re the same as his father

......he thinks killing is like a love declaration or whatever. a proof of love. i don’t... i don’t wanna be inside his head. it’s a dark place. no thank u sir.

that’s it. that’s my fedora wearing, violin player, hedonist son.

play w him carefully, he bites.

BLOG HERE

this is SIENNA 

she’s a witch, always been... ever since she was a lil bean. but she didn’t & still doesn’t know till this day.

when she was just 8 years old she was sleeping safe & sound when a vampire broke into her home, sliced up her parents and ate them.

horrified & still in shock, her cat started to tug at her ankle & guided her to the closet where she hid with him.

she survived the night, waited for her cue & dashed off into the woods

she almost froze to the death but was found in the morning by the cops. she was sent to the hospital than to an asylum & diagnosed with schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, depression & paranoia. they assumed she killed her own parents & ofc no one believed the ramblings of an 8 year old about monsters.

she was released under the care of her aunt when she was 16. she brought her to live here, where believe it or not, young sienna found her old friend, mr.midnight. her cat and most dear friend. not to mention... only friend.

thing is, she’s clairvoyant & able to enter the spirit world. when she touches people she sometimes gets these really ugly flashes, of blood and mayhem. she doesn’t understand it but she tries to warn them anyways... sometimes it’s about something they did, or are planning to do, or something that’ll be done to them.

because she channels a lot of negative energy, she does get depressed.

she works at the flower shop, though she just makes the designs, and usually isn’t allowed to interact w the clients bc she scares the crap outta them

she’ll say WEIRD STUFF AT RANDOM TIMES

ppl dont like that

she’s got really long, dark hair. large eyes. very doll-ish, but very reserved. she usually tries not to wear black or red because it reminds her of death

she likes to spend her time in the woods, she’s growing a small garden of black roses somewhere.

she talks to her cat all the time so ... yeah. she can’t hear him for reals, but i mean, she doesn’t have a lot of ppl to talk to... so it’s sort of a ‘pretend’

sometimes she visits the graveyard and starts to put roses in the abandoned graves bc she feels sad for them.

she also talks to her parents tombstones ... i’m sad

oK i think that’s it

excuse me while i cry

BLOG HERE

this is PANDORA

my only human babe. she doesn’t know shit about supernaturals lurking around, and would probably be 120% done if she figured out

so panda is like this religious girl. smol child full of light and hope, everything sugary sweet. tries to be kind even tho some people don’t deserve it

but at heart, i’d say she’s strong. she’s scared of love, of opening herself up to people. she’s reserved, shy, doesn’t approach others unless they seem like they need help.

very strong-willed. she’s the daughter of the local pastor who is also a hunter. she doesn’t know this and if i’m being real would not approve if she learned, because whether someone’s supernatural or human that’s still killing

pandora struggles with being nice to people but standing her ground. she’s not very confrontational. having people walk all over her makes her sad, of course, but she tries not to let this get to her. everyone’s hurting in their own way, so she’s not judgemental.

her older sister rebelled against the goody-two-shoes family and got addicted to drugs and ran away from home. she could never understand this, because the truth is that her sister couldn’t deal w all the lies anymore, she figured out what her father was up to and went off the rails. it’s been a couple years, but pandora still heartbroken about this, because she’s now lost two people she cared about and there’s nothing she can do.

her step-mom is lowkey abusive. not physically or anything, but she’s not a nice woman. pandora’s mom died, but pandora never learned how or why, just that she shouldn’t ask question. she doesn’t know much about her, but she does have a half-burnt picture of her mom holding her as a baby that she carries around in her necklace.

because she feels her life is so... small. her world is so tiny, she tries to explore other worlds through books and movies, music... anything that’ll make her fly away from this earth for awhile is welcome.

she absolutely loves hearing stories & will drop everything she’s doing to hear someone telling her an interest tale.

she’s young and naive, she doesn’t have a lot of freedom & grew up quite sheltered, so she doesn’t understand how the world works very well.

she also has like this tarantula as a pet bc... idk why she has weird taste i effing hate spiders. get margot tf away from me pandora I DON’T LIKE IT

she just likes collecting bugs. it’s a hobby of hers, she’s not grossed-out easily i guess ??

so this is my smol human child

love her pls ok