#and considering he's mostly in that place...

[arbitrarykiwi]

Hii!! I love your writing sm so can i request a reader x thanos and nam-gyu (but mostly nam-gyu hehe) where they are like really close friends like before the games, they always used to hang out at eachothers apartments, smoked weed and all that shit. And when reader went to the games without telling anyone and she saw nam-gyu and thanos and they got really mad at reader for not telling them where she was going (even tho they did the same) but then became like rlly protective over reader throughout the games.

(I’m so sorry if it doesn’t make sense, i’m really bad with english but i tried my best 😭)

FIRST OF ALLL THANK YOU FOR MY VERY FIRST REQUEST?!

OUUU this is so fun?!!! I read smoke weed with Thanos AND Nam-gyu and was IN!!

I made definitely it pretty much straight up Nam-gyu x reader x Thanos, def more centered to Nam-gyu though! I just got too excited 😩 so you got your two boyfriends malewives

I hope you like it 🫶😩😩🫶

Warnings: 18+ drug usage, weed smoking, some mildly spicy parts, two boyfriends!!, all yall are in debt, proof read but prolly got spelling errors, in a universe where thanos and nam-gyu are besties before the squid games, probably ooc thanos and nam-gyu, i cant think of anything else.

You’re not sure exactly what your relationship with the two of them was. You never cared to ask. But fuck was it so nice.

You suppose you could say you were dating Nam-gyu, you’ve known him for a while, hanging around the same group of people, eventually ending up becoming friends with benefits- then more. You’ve gone out on dates, done many things that have exceeded the “friends with benefits” label but have never gone to call it anything. And you knew neither of you were seeing anyone else…

Well no one else besides Choi Su-bong, or Thanos as he prefers to be called. He came into the picture shortly after you and Nam-gyu have been seeing each other. The best friends they were, they had to just share something as sweet as you.

It was odd. In a good way. You never thought you’d find yourself in this situation. And you didn’t mind it one bit.

They were like your two boyfriends. Though Nam-gyu makes it very obvious you were with him first and he was being gracious to share you with Thanos. The wild purple haired rapper would happily agree, finding this a more than favorable situation. It was the one thing Nam-gyu knew he had over Thanos.

They were strangely, overprotective, spoil you (in more ways than one), and after a night of partying or promoting that sleazy club- they always returned to your apartment.

Always returned to you. Always found themselves in your bed- sandwiching you between them as they pass the blunt back and forth over you- taking turns to shotgunning the smoke into your mouth. Hands gripping your jaw or throat to guide your face back and forth between their kisses.

And you loved it.

When they would practically bust down your apartment door in a pill induced haze, four hands fighting with the key you gave them to unlock it- it wasn’t going well considering they were both tripping in ways you never cared to imagine. Both of the needing to get their hands on you, to feel you- you’d meet them at the door, pulling it open to be bombarded by their groping hands and excited kisses.

And after multiple hours, and multiple rounds in positions you’ve only dreamed of- you always found yourself entangled in a sweaty mess of limbs passing the blunt over to the two of them as they came down from their highs.

“Always so good f’us.” Thanos mumbled from his spot lying on your stomach, arm splayed over your torso, keeping you pinned to the bed, placing light kisses over the bruises Nam-gyu left on your skin.

“I know… isn’t she just perfect… n’ she’s all ours” Nam-gyu would respond, placing opening mouth kisses along your neck, one of his hands placed over your breast, just kneading the flesh as if it was his own personal stress ball. They often talked like that- as if you weren’t there, just gushing to each other about how much they adore you (or how well you take both of them).

When you’d have a hard day at work, telling both of them you’re not feeling up to hanging out, just wanting to go home alone and go to bed, they would pick the fucking lock on your apartment, breaking in to make themselves comfy on your bed.

When you’d come home exhausted- not even realizing the lock was picked because they locked it behind them- and walk across your living room, down a hallway and open up your bedroom door, head lifting from the floor seeing two people you didn’t expect to be there in your bed- You’d scream, dropping your stuff.

You’d gather yourself, seeing them both shirtless on your bed, both leaned over a rolling tray that’s in between them, working to roll blunts.

Thanos is stopping to hit his vape as he places the ground up weed into the wrap, tattoos on full view. His hair is messy, but it’s not spiked up- instead it’s down in its natural state, a slight wave to the strands.

Nam-gyu even has his glasses on- something he knows you love and beg him to wear more. His hair tucked behind his ear as his ringed fingers work on his own blunt. When he wraps it, his tongue comes out of his mouth to lathe across the wrap of the blunt to seal it.

It’s a beautiful sight. Truly. But did they have to scare the life out of you?!!

“Woahhh! Easy there beautiful!” Thanos would say, sitting up from his spot on your bed, hands thrown up in a mock defensive position. They’re both giggling, find your scream and reaction to them oh so enjoyable. “Calm down baby, s’just us.” Nam-gyu would echo, holding out the finished blunt to you. “You said you were havin’ a rough day. Figure we could make it a personal night.” He hums.

You let out a sigh, your heart still racing. You glare at them angrily, clutching your chest. But it doesn’t stay long, you loosen up, shoulders dropping and nodding with a pout. A personal night is just what you need. On rare occasions you didn’t share a blunt between the three of you, three blunts would be rolled- one for each of you.

You kick off your shoes and pull off your jeans before crawling on the bed. They move the rolling tray, and you plop down on the bed face first in between them. You inhale, the scent of both of them stuck on your sheets. Their hands immediately begin to run up and down your back and arms, feather light touches calming you down.

“You guys suck for breaking in here.” Your words are muffled by the pillows of your bed. They both laugh, Nam-gyu leaning further down, hand moving up to brush your hair back. You turn your face to him, playfully glaring at him. He just scoffs at your attitude, leaning down and placing a kiss on your lips. It’s soft and sweet, just what you needed after a long day.

“But ‘s just what you needed, huh?” Thanos says, leaning over you to begin peppering kisses along the back of your shoulder and down your back. He moves back up, your head turning to look at him and nodding. “Mhm…” you mumble out in a tired sound. He leans down, connecting his lips with yours- same as Nam-gyu, though his kiss is a bit more rough.

When he pulls away you flip yourself over onto your back a smile spreading across your lips as you look up to both of them looking over you, pupils already blown and eyes red. “Oh you fucks!! You started without me!”

“Sorry sweetheart, can’t help it…we had to sample the product before we came.” Nam-gyu says with a drugged out smile. You roll your eyes and playfully shove both them back while you sit up. “Whatever! Y’all are losers!! Now give me my blunt.” You tease, holding out your hand.

Thanos provides you with the blunt, placing a kiss on your knuckles as you retract your hand. You place the blunt to your lips, turning your head towards Nam-gyu who holds the lighter. He scoots closer, cupping his hand around the end of your blunt to shield your face, lighting the end.

They both sit back as they watch you take your first inhale. The smoke fills your lungs with a comforting heat, pouring out of your mouth in thick swirling trails. When you put the blunt back up to your mouth, taking a drag, the cherry lighting up in a vibrant red-orange, the both lean into you, each with a blunt hanging from their lips.

The ends of their blunts come into contact with yours, and as you continue to inhale- their blunts begin to spark and ignite. They pull back, inhaling their own fill of the weed they bought.

So there you’d be, in just a tank top and panties, both your doting male companions curled up on the bed on either side of you. Nam-guy’s head was laid on your right thigh while Thanos was laid on your left thigh.

With the hand that’s not bringing the blunt to your mouth, you’d have it brushing through their hair. You’d have to switch which hand you’re smoking with every so often as they would complain if you’d been neglecting them for too long (it would only ever be a couple minutes, they just can’t get enough of your attention!)

Other nights you found yourselves up late into the night, each doing your own thing just simply enjoying the presence of one another.

There was one hot summer night, it was so hot you were only wearing a pair of shorts and a cut off shirt of Thanos’ that you borrowed. You had three fans going in your room yet it never seemed like enough.

You were partially propped up on your bed, resting on your elbows and the inside of your knees, your head at the food end of the bed, leaning over the edge to play with Nam-gyu’s hair while he sits on the floor.

Nam-gyu was sitting with his back to the foot of the bed, legs stretched out in front of him, his finger working rapidly against the joysticks of the controller that he held in his lap, his eyes trained on the video game his was playing. He wouldn’t admit it but it was hard to focus with how nice your fingers felt playing with his hair. Nails lightly raking against his scalp as you brush the dark strands back and out of his face, fingertips brushing against his ears every so often causing goosebumps to erupt over his arms despite the hot temperatures of the room.

Thanos wasn’t absent. He was situated behind you, back against a pile of pillows so he could sit farther up on the bed rather than against the head board. He scrolls lazily on his phone, his legs spread a little so you were situated nicely against him, your legs over his, your ass nestled nicely against his lap. He uses your ass as a shelf, propping his wrist up as he aimlessly taps through his apps. His other hand is under your shorts, just resting against the flesh of your ass, squeezing the flesh softly every once in a while- he really just loved to touch you.

You’d stay like this for hours, sometimes Thanos would send you a video, your hands would depart from Nam-gyu’s hair for a moment to grab your phone and watch what he sent- laughing along with him at the video. When you’d put your phone down and turn back to Nam-gyu you’d see he had paused the game and tilted his head back to look at you with a frown.

It would only make you giggle, scooting forward a bit to lean over the bed to grab his face and place a kiss on his forehead, mumbling an ‘you’re so needy’ before returning your hands to his hair- and he resumes the game.

And you wouldn’t trade it for the world.

However….

You knew running with them and the crowd you found yourself in even before you were entangled with them, it was never a safe option. Too often you heard them complaining about the debt they found themselves in- doing nothing to stop it and even making it worse with lavish parties and binges.

You yourself found yourself in hot waters, trying your best to both help them and keep yourself afloat. It wasn’t easy, all three of you were in debt. You really, really cared for both of them, but neither of them were on the best path. You couldn’t speak much better about yourself. Regardless, bills were unforgivable and work didn’t pay well. If you had all the money in the world you’d pay everything off and build a house for the three of you in some far off secluded area away from the world that was out to get all of you.

So of course when a strange, well dressed man with a brief case offered you a large amount of money to play a child’s game in the subway late one night- you couldn’t say no.

You played and played, losing more times than you can count. Repeating the same cycle of throwing the paper square, winning a few rounds before eventually having a hand collide with your cheek. And when he eventually called the game, even after your cheek is bruised and you’re begging to play again, he simply hands you brown paper card and bows- packing up his brief case with the colorful origami squares.

Before he leaves, he promises that more money, even more than you won with that game, will come if you call that number on the back of the card.

You sat in that subway for hours, missing your bus to just sit on the metal bench. In one hand you held the large sum of money you won- it would definitely help you but it wouldn’t do anything to touch the amount of debt you were in.

You return home, thankful they were both passed out in your bed. You smile to yourself, looking to them in the bed. They’re both just in boxers, very obviously having fallen asleep on opposite sides of the bed but had migrated towards each other, in a tangle of what you would call cuddling- but if you told them that what they were doing they’d definitely deny it.

It’s a sweet secret you keep to yourself. Your boys. It was just what you needed after coming home from what you just experienced. You silently shed your clothes, putting on one of Nam-gyu’s shirts, the fabric swallowing you.

You crawl into the bed, trying your best not to wake them. You settled into between them, they both stir- sleepy mumbles and acknowledgment of your presence coming out of their lips. It’s like second nature to them as they curl around your form.

Nam-gyu’s arm falls around your torso, squeezing your waist. He settles his head right in the crook of your neck, nuzzling his nose along your flesh, placing a light kiss as he falls back asleep. Thanos is rested against your breast on the opposite side, arm resting on top of your stomach, right under Nam-gyu’s.

A smile spreads across your face, your eyes feeling heavy. You fall asleep quickly, the warmth of both their bodies enveloping you in a heavenly wave of comfort. The worry of debt could wait just a bit longer….

But eventually you called that number. You needed anything to help you keep yourself afloat. And after a very cryptic phone call with an automated voice, you’re given a pick up location and a date and time.

You enter into the limousine cautiously, were you really about to do this? The looming threat of eviction and debt that seems to keep rising pushes you forward. You take the handle into your shaky hands and open the black door. The interior is just as luxurious as the exterior.

You settle into the seat, body stiff and heart racing. When your eyes settle to in front of you. You see a golden piggy bank. You can hear your heart beat in your ears, your leg is bouncing anxiously. You can’t even focus on what the pig that’s seemingly a speaker is saying.

“Are you sure you’d like to continue?” The sentence brings you back out of your haze. You swallow thickly and nod. You curse to yourself, the fucking piggybank can’t see you. “Y-yes.” You croak out.

It’s silent for a moment. Almost like the golden pig is contemplating your answer. Then there’s a fog filling the car. You’re panicked, eyes wide as you inhale the gas. What the fuck did you get yourself into?

It’s not long before your eyes are heavy and whatever type of gas that was knocks you clean out.

————/————

A loud tune playing on what sounds like over head speakers is causing you to groan and stir. Your eyes open but are soon shut back, blinded by the large florescent lights that line the ceiling of where ever you are. You groan, sitting up. You open your eyes again, squinting them and looking down to try and adjust to the light.

You’re on a bed you see. It’s high up. It looks over what seems like hundreds of other beds, hundreds of people beginning to wake up like you. You see they’re all in matching track suits, all sporting different numbers. You furrow your eyebrows, confused. Your memory was foggy but you knew you were going to join some games for money- and this was not what you were expecting.

You look out over the room, it’s a large warehouse like area. Bricks and various drawings line the walls. You kneel, trying to get a better look. Up front there’s a raised area, almost like a stage. There also seems to be only three doors in this large room. One large one behind the raised platform of the room and two smaller ones level with the ground on either side of the raised platform. None of them had handles.

Seriously, what the fuck did you get yourself into?!?!

You watch as people begin to file out of the beds, congregating in the center of the room, exchanging confused and uneasy glances at their new roommates. If you weren’t so on edge you would have thought this was neat, like a social experiment of abnormal gatherings and you were the onlooking researcher. But you weren’t the researcher, you were also one of the guinea pigs stuck in the experiment.

You stay put, figuring it’s best to stay back as the majority of people decent into the middle of the room. Your eyes dart around anxiously, trying to take in every last detail of the brick prison you’ve woken up in.

Your attention is drawn back to the podium when the large door opens, multiple masked guards walk out, in pink tracksuits with shapes on their masks. This is so fucking weird. You thought to yourself. They begin to explain why you are all here- that you all called that same number.

You watch as someone calls out, angrily shouting about how they were drugged and basically kidnapped. You hear murmurs of “yeah”’s fall out of other people’s mouths, agreeing with the stranger.

From the high bunk you found yourself on you, looked at the guards, standing stoically as the hundreds of individuals begin to angrily talk over each other. Yelling out to the guards about belongings and being stripped naked to be put in these track suits. You didn’t bother to chime in, already feeling weird enough about this situation you woke up in, you did not need more attention on you.

That’s when a familiar voice pipes up. He’s arguing with the guards. Over shoes of all things. Your eyes dart over the crowd hoping you wouldn’t see what you thought you would….but you did….purple hair.

It can’t be him. You think to yourself. You’re hoping it isn’t, there’s plenty of other people who have purple hair. But when the guard retaliates by playing a video on the large screen behind them, your heart drops.

“Choi Su-bong, player 230…” you don’t even hear what else the guard says, your eyes are trained to the screen watching your purple hair partner hit his vape.

So it is him…

Your eyes dart down to the bright purple hair in the sea of players. Next to Thanos, leaning up against his back over his shoulder is Nam-gyu. You can tell it’s him. Your heart drops…they’re both here. They both played that same game you did, more than likely getting slapped, then getting drugged and eventually ending up exactly where you were.

You were pissed. Was it irrational? Yes, you made the exact same choice they did. But you were the voice of reason in whatever relationship you three had, they promised you they wouldn’t do anything dumb- yet here they are. It’s dumb for you to be here too but hey! You’re the angel out of the three of them, you deserved to do something dumb.

You were about to make your way down the stairs, to haul yourself through the sea of people to scold them but when the guard at the podium says your name- throwing the video of you getting slapped and your debt amount to the mass of players- you know you’re fucked.

You can see the way both of their shoulders fall, the way both of them tense up. Then they’re both rapidly looking around, you know they’re about to scold you. You swear to yourself, of course all three of you signed up for some sketchy game after getting slapped by some creepy salesman. Just your luck.

Your eyes widen like a deer in headlights when you realize Nam-gyu has spotted you. It’s like a sniper looking down the scope at their target. You can see him nudge Thanos, pointing you out to the purple haired man.

You know you’re about to get reamed.

They both look at you, it’s a strange mix of relief, worry and anger. You’re literally frozen like a kid who got caught sneaking cookies in the middle of the night- thinking that if you freeze on spot you won’t be able to be seen.

The crowd begins to mumble to each other, a mix of hushed whispers and angered shouts. You see them begin to push through the crowd and you sigh- you know you might as well accept your fate. If you were in this strange place in this very unique situation- at least you’re with them. You make your way down the metal stairs, eyebrows furrowed- thankful you had them here but pissed off that they went ahead and gambled again- sure you’re a hypocrite for doing the same thing….but that’s different. Right?

When you get to the bottom of the metal stairs, white sneakers hitting the concrete floor they’re shoving past the last wall of people and walking quickly towards you. You begin to open your mouth to scold them but Thanos is picking you up off your feet and pushing you into the corner of the room- under the metal bunks and away from the other players.

Nam-gyu is right behind him, a scowl on his face.

They didn’t know what was going down here in this place you all found yourself waking up in, but they knew they didn’t need these other people here spying in on your relationship. They were both narcissists at heart- they wanted to keep up appearances.

You’re caged into the wall, looking up at them defiantly, trying to keep your look of anger as they tower over you.

If it was any other situation you would have found it hot- the way they look over you, both glaring down at you with a look of disappointment and and the usual hunger they have when they look at you. But you’re so mad at them. You can’t believe they did the same thing you did. You also didn’t even know the extent of Thanos’ debt, you can only imagine what Nam-gyu’s was, and there they were, obviously having gambling away with the same creepy subway salesman to have made it here.

It doesn’t matter that you did the same thing.

They’re both equally as angry. For one you were in the subway alone in the middle of the night, as evidence from the video the guards played- something they hated you doing. One or both of them would show up to accompany you to where ever you needed to go like guard dogs. Why didn’t you text them to ask them to come with you like you normally would when you had to go somewhere?

And for as much as they knew about you, you kept your debt private. So the fact you were even here- they now knew you obviously were in the same shit they were in. They both were irritated you didn’t tell them, they would have helped you (even though they literally didn’t have the money to).

You look to their jackets. The numbers 124 and 230 stitched to the patch of the jacket. You look down at yours 014. You wonder if the numbers had anything to do with who called that damned number first- securing their spot in this game earlier. If it was…you apparently called in first.

It seems the stare down ends when you all speak at once, the tension finally reaching its boiling point

“You dumb motherfuckers!”

“Are you stupid?!”

“Señorita! Why are you here???”

You all kind of stand there for a second after all speaking hushed angry whispers. All sharing a similar look of anger. “You went to the subway alone at night!?” Nam-gyu begins to scold. “You were all on our asses about gambling and look- there you were gambling and getting slapped in the subway!” Thanos says, his tone angry but his voice is still in a hushed whisper.

You immediately turn to Thanos, shoving an accusatory finger to his sternum, “I’m not the one 1.19 billion in the hole.” You seethe. That seems to shut him up, obviously angering him even more but he just clenches his jaw.

“Okay, well you’re obviously in debt too if you’re here” Nam-gyu begins trying to defend both of them. You whip your head towards him, your look is enough to kill a man. He is faced with the realization that a lot of your debt probably stems from being with them- being around them. They both don’t have the best lifestyle and neither do you, hell you were running the same game they were when Nam-gyu met you, you were tripping at a club when he first met you- you weren’t exactly a saint. Nam-gyu always thought you could do better than that, than them. But you never ran from them, sure you were way less wild than when he first met you, but you still kept around the same people and surrounded yourself with the lifestyle.

Nam-gyu can speak, instead he surges forward, pulling you into him and wrapping one arm around your waist- the other cradling your head against his chest. He didn’t like knowing that you went through the same process he did with getting into this situation. He didn’t like knowing that he was part of the reason you were here. He didn’t like knowing you were now stuck in this same prison of unknowns that they were. You didn’t deserve it.

You’re squished against him, head facing towards Thanos who’s still staring at you disapprovingly but it’s so much softer than before. You make a useless attempt at frowning at him, although your cheeks are squished under Nam-guy’s hold- making it look like an adorable pout.

He smiles, it’s a small one- but a smile nonetheless, reaching over to smooth out your hair and cup your cheek- the same one he witnessed you getting slapped on by that salesman. “Can’t believe he touched you like that…” He mumbles, it’s a low growl.

“You’re so fucking stupid for coming here….” Nam-gyu mumbles, his words harsh but you can tell it’s because he’s genuinely worried, his mind replaying that dammed video those guards blasted on the big screen. “I’ll kill that sleazy fuck who did that to you..” he says, his hands shaking against you as he keeps you cradled against him.

You let out a huff, pulling apart from Nam-gyu to lightly shove his chest, then turning to Thanos to do the same. “I’m stupid?! You two did the same thing!! After I told both of you to quit wasting your money- which encompasses gambling on some kid game and coming here!” You huff out looking between both of them.

“Baby, we just wanted to get some money f’us.” Nam-gyu says, hands coming up to cup your cheeks, squishing them inwards. His voice is sickeningly sweet, you know he’s trying to con you out of your anger, manipulating you how he wanted to get his way. And it works

“You’re both schtill so dumb n I’m schtill mad.” You hiss, words slurred by Nam-guy’s hands. Your eyebrows furrowed and lips turned into a pout- although it’s a sorry excuse for one with the way his hands are pressing your cheeks together. The two men laugh, it’s a precious sight truly.

So mad at them but still so adorable, like an angry little kitten. “Mhm…bet you are you lil’ minx.” Nam-gyu coos at you with a wide grin on his face- you can’t help but to ease up, the feeling of his twitching hands holding your face and his wide smile makes your heart swell.

“You also pulled the same dumb fuckin move though, princess.” Thanos says, his voice scolding but he’s smiling along with Nam-gyu.

The guards up front are beginning to say something about signing a waiver to continue to play, the players beginning to line up.

“So just stick by us n we’ll keep ya safe. With all three of us here we will make so much money.” Nam-gyu sings to you in a sickly sweet tone that you know is going to make you lose your anger. You can’t stay mad at him for long.

But you’re still about to protest- yes money sounds amazing but being drugged to get here, stripped of your clothes and put into matching tracksuits- something isn’t right. Nam-gyu shuts you up by placing a kiss on your lips. It’s slow, making your knees weak, making sure you feel every inch of his lips. And when he pulls back Thanos takes his place, kissing you, it’s a soft but eager, your mind going blank with kisses from both of them. Any retaliation you could think of was washed away by their lips- which is exactly what they wanted.

“C’mon princess, go sign it so we can all win big and get these games on the road.” Thanos says pulling away and pushing you lightly out in front of them. Nam-gyu places a light slap on your ass before following directly behind you.

The two of them walking so their chests practically touch your back. And when you go up and sign the paper, they cheer you on from the crowd.

It’s impossible for anyone to get near you in the games without the two of them, one over each shoulder judging the person to see if they’re good enough to be near you. With your two guard dogs protecting you, you three are unstoppable.

[starfleetshrimps]

pet peeve of mine in ds9/garak fanfic: when people try to tell me that all the bajorans on the space station hate garak. like no. he runs a tailor shop that is still in business, and isn't even the only tailor's shop on the promenade--that can't all be due to passing merchants, especially because he was running the shop way before the wormhole was discovered and the station became a transportation hub in the first place! also we see him interacting with regular civilian bajorans in public AT LEAST once (which considering his overall screentime is impressive) and the interaction is anything but hostile. sure--KIRA doesn't like him, but kira is a somewhat special case and she also KNOWS HE'S REALLY A SPY.

i think we get too caught up in the "oh that's garak, our resident cardassian intelligence agent, he kills people" of it all that we forget we only know that because we're the audience. Zurpo Zurd who lives in the habitat ring level five with his girlfriend and works as a cashier at Spacely Spockets doesn't know the guy who sold him his newest g-string used to be second in command of the most ruthless network of spies and undercover operatives this side of the quadrant, he just knows that the guy was nice and offered to take his pants in a little at half-price. Granted Zurpo doesn't know what full price is, but surely this lovely gent wouldn't lie to him about that.

anyway my point is not ALL the bajorans hated garak. im sure many of them did! for being a cardassian! but only those who are in need of an obsidian order agent actually know that garak is one--which is not that many in the grand scheme of things. It's just that the poeple who are in need of an obsidian order agent tend to be the most interesting, and therefore the show is mostly focused on them.

Zurpo doesn't know. Zurpo doesn't have to know. Zurpo is fine not knowing.

[atangledfate]

Dawn was happy to just focus on her work, and considering how stretched she was right now. She really did need to focus. It was when the original Dawn, #1 was in the main hall at a desk doing very little. It required her to spread her focus across so many points that it was effectively multi-tasking in a way. She had to take in all that information from every copy so she could effectively control them. Thus putting her under alot of mental strain. Nothing compared to the war of course but, still not something she'd done in a long while.

So when the Scorpion approach she almost didn't notice but her eyes drifted up. She smiled as she knew she should, despite not really liking GUN. Mostly for things she heard and the recruiters who wouldn't leave her the hell alone. But they were there to help even if his attitude was shit--- boy she could already tell Altriss and this guy would not get along.

She took the Vials from him even if she'd already given Tangle the antidote made by Altriss. It would have the same effect she guessed since, Altriss altered the chemical makeup of his venom to be an anti-venom for the blowfish toxin. But no need for her to mention any of that.

" You must be the GUN agents, yes we've prepared those who can be moved in east wing. #11 can you show them to the ones who are ready to be moved? "

One of the other mouse nurses with an 11 on her outfit nodded and placed a cart of supplies to one side. Hopping to take the assistants to the transfer wing.

" If you'll follow #2 she'll take you back to see the Doctor, he's with a patient right now. So knock and announce before you enter "

She handed the doctor and the assistant's temp badges for the doors at the infirmary. While Number two came from the back and held the door open for the Doctor. Leading him back to the more injured patients where Altriss was treating a burn victim. Luckily he was mostly done by the time the GUN Agent arrived. Altriss was in the hall grabbing another patients chart, his tail swaying already annoyed with there presence--- but help was help.

" Hmm, GUN i assume... are you a doctor? or just here to help with transfers..."

"Not that it needs to be said, though I'd say just try to do the best ya can." Twist couldn't say he had much more to say at this point as it would now be down to this doctor that G.U.N is having come in. Best to cut the chit chat anyway so he could focus on patching up the minor injured as best he could. The lemur only knew the basic's after all so best to focus and make sure he doesn't screw up.

An average height scorpion Mobian could be seen walking down the hallway with three other's walking behind them. His shell was a dark red with a black streak that went up to their stinger and they wore a lab coat. Soon he approached Dawn. "Here you go," he said while handing Dawn a few vials. "I had this prepared ahead of time. An antidote to anyone under the effects of Mimic's poison and some extra in case you wish to make more." Seems he was well informed.

"These are my assistance's and shall aid you in getting people to the transport unit. Direct them as you see fit. Now, where is the doctor I will have to be dealing with?" He seemed to have no interest in actually helping, and if anything it appeared as though this was an annoyance to him.

"Oh, and my assistances brought some more medical supplies if you need it. I'm can only guess you must be running low." At least that's what he guessed based on all the information he was given about all the injured here. "Now, let's try to make this quick. My main focus was on make certain preparations to have Surge transferred for her arrest as I'm more of a scientist than a doctor, though I am skilled in both."

[suzukiblu]

Jon and Martha, professional soulparents for WIP Wednesday please!

“Do think we passed a food truck or two when we came in,” Jonathan says, looking back over his shoulder with a considering squint. “One was a barbeque place and one was . . . eh, what were they, Ma, them Vietnamese sandwich things? On the crunchy little baguettes?” 

“Bánh mì, I think Clark called ‘em last time,” Martha says. “Or . . . mi bánh, maybe? One or the other. Oh, and there was another truck down the street a little ways selling pizza, too. Have you tried any of those before, Conner?” 

“Uh, pizza. I don’t think I’ve tried the other stuff, though,” Superman says, though he definitely hasn’t, because he hasn’t eaten enough things yet to actually forget what any of them were. He’s mostly just trying to think “Conner” again. It still doesn’t work. Not even a little bit does it work. He didn’t really think it would, but . . . 

Just–they gave him a name. He feels like he should at least try to figure out how to use it, if they . . . if they thought to bother. 

He should, right? 

Martha and Jonathan both say it a lot easier than he knows how to, though.

[geoviki]

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

I’ve seen a lot of posts recently which rightly cry for help in working out the timeline these days.  Ever since June of last year, starting with chapter 443 (Haircuts), it’s been really hard to determine where the newest chapters fit in any timeline.  Even my analysis may not be correct, so if you have other ideas, please share!  I took a close look and came up with these:

Four Distinct Timelines:

Third year of middle school, boys are 15 (chapters 51-445, except special chapters)

Zhan Zheng Xi’s first year of university when Jian Yi returns – guys are 18-19 (chapters 1-50)

Christmas and Chinese New Year of He Tian’s return, ZZX is finishing uni, guys are 21-22 (Xmas special chapters, chapters 452 to present, chapter 462 and possibly 415 and 438; (in China, New Year activities last 2 weeks))

Post-age 22, guys are settled in their relationships (chapters 446-451, various Special Chapters, and much single-panel art).

The Breakdown:

Chapters 1-50 are a series of short, unconnected comics and single panels that are set during and after JY’s return.�� ZZX notes that JY disappeared the second day of high school.  JY says he was kidnapped and taken to a remote island, but ZZX doubts this.  ZZX is at university, and JY is repeating an unnamed year at high school.  One scene shows them leaving a public drinking date, so they’re over 18, but it seems to be early in ZZX’s uni days, so they’re probably 18 or 19. 

Chapter 51 begins a long flashback to the 3rd year of middle school, when the guys are about 15.   Chapter 445, Mo Guan Shan’s shut down of She Li posted July 1, 2024, is the last chapter from the school years so far. 

Not yet shown is exactly when HT leaves, but it’s assumed from other context to occur before high school, roughly when JY also disappears.

Between chapters 51 and the current chapter are many special chapters that depart from the school timeline.  They’re often written for Chinese holidays and stand alone.  One exception is the series of Christmas chapters written between 2017 and 2023.  These are set on a single Christmas day and the immediate days following and show HT’s return from his long absence overseas.  Three consecutive New Year’s chapters may show different days from the same New Year that follow the end of the Christmas chapters. 

The Christmas chapters, followed by Chapter 452, begin a new timeline.  HT is recently back from overseas and is earning his own money with a new unnamed business.  MGS works on cars as a new apprentice at a luxury car modification shop (though he was taking out trash from somewhere else in the first Christmas chapter; maybe that was his last day?)  ZZX seems to be in the final months of university and interviews for an entry position at a firm.  He’s living at home.  JY’s life is not yet described, but he not earning money to rent a place, so he may be a student as well.  The guys are probably around 21 or 22.

Chapters 446-451 have no obvious timeline clues.  Based only on MGS boldly wearing an assortment of earrings and a common orange cap, I’m guessing they’re probably set in the future beyond the latest chapter 452 timeline when their relationships are more settled.

I haven’t dared consider the single-panel art, mostly set in the more distant future (my “settled relationships” timeline).  In these, we can see that HT and MGS have developed a highly sexual relationship, and JY and ZZX are more romantic than demonstrative.

Here are the special chapters that I grouped into where I think they fall on the timeline.

[sillylilsquid]

Saviour Hyun Ju x reader✨

warnings: reader is described as afab, death/typical squid games summary: when you met the tall, strong woman in the games you never expected her to save your life, let alone you to save hers. *2.4k words hope you enjoy!! ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Standing in the bathroom you stared at yourself in the mirror seeing the blood splatters drying on your skin. You quickly turned the water on and tried as hard as you could to scrub it off, feeling your eyes burning with tears. When you accepted the handsome salesman’s offer of joining these games you had not expected to witness a massacre. Your hands shook as they gripped the side of the sink while trying to calm yourself down. A few other women had come and left the bathroom and their eyes lingered, but no one stopped to ask if you were okay–of course they wouldn’t, this place was a matter of life or death, every person for themselves.

 Back in the dormitory you sat hugging your legs on the uncomfortable bed while you ate the small meal they had provided. You were thankful for something, not realizing how hungry you were until the smell hit your nose. Your eyes shifted around the room at the remaining players, seeing how some of them had grouped up and made acquaintances. Pulling the thin blanket up to your chin you tried to force your tense body to relax and allow yourself some much needed rest. Even when the lights faded out you found yourself unable to actually rest; you were tossing and turning all night, only getting a few minutes of sleep here and there. You were already awake when the lights flickered on signaling it was morning already. Stretching your arms you soon stood up and adjusted your jacket, brushing your messy hair away from your eyes.

Before you knew it was time for the second game–you were terrified. You had heard a man during red light green light exclaiming that he had played these games before, but you knew there was no point in asking him because either way you were screwed. Shuffling out of the dormitory with everyone throughout the colorful hallway you mostly kept your eyes down. The guards eyes burned holes through you even through their masks. Upon entering the room your eyes were immediately drawn to the two rainbows on the floor, and you laughed. People stared but you didn’t care. You laughed because how could they paint rainbows on the floor knowing people would be shot and killed, blood splattering all over them in just a few moments. Standing off to the side from most of the other players you listened as the voice instructed you to form into groups of five. Now knowing it would be a team game you felt your heart race so rapidly you feared it might burst out of your chest. How were you supposed to find a team? What game would you even be playing?

The sight of people beginning to group up made the urge to vomit greater and greater. You tried asking a couple groups, but they turned you down for a handful of reasons: they already had enough members, or because you were a woman. It infuriated you. The ticking of the clock down second by second scared you even more, because you knew if you didn’t find a team soon you’d be dead without even getting a chance to participate in another game. Even though you had voted X, you didn’t want to die without even a chance at winning. 

You considered giving up and just asking a guard to put you out of your misery. Maybe if you begged on your hands and knees they would do it quickly and painlessly. A few seconds later you saw a tall woman standing with a group and as you counted you realized they were missing one person. Now’s your chance. Quickly you made your way over to them, reaching up to gently tap the taller woman on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” you spoke, your voice small and weak. It embarrassed you that you sounded so feeble in this moment, now is not the time to be shy. “May I join your team?” you asked as you looked at the other members. There was a female with a kind face who looked to be around your same age, an older woman and a man who you presumed was her son by the way they held onto each other. The tall woman turned, looking down at you–literally. It surprised you to have to slightly tilt your head up just to meet the gaze of her eyes. She was muscular but still soft around the edges which gave her a strong, beautiful presence in the dreary room. “We needed one more player.” she explained with a nod, that made you smile.

You quietly thanked her and stepped a little closer to be with the group. You introduced yourself and repeated everyone’s names as they told you in hopes you’d be able to remember them. Last to introduce themselves was the tall woman, she hesitated for a moment before speaking up. “I’m Hyun Ju,” she said as she tucked some of her hair behind her ear. Her voice surprised you, not thinking it would be as deep as it was but it held a hint of femininity that made your knees weak. She was beautiful–no, she was absolutely gorgeous. It made your cheeks heat up and made your heart flutter with a different feeling of nerves. Quickly you looked away from her when you heard the voice begin to explain the games. You tried to keep yourself from staring at Hyun ju but found yourself randomly drifting over her.

The five of you picked which game would best for each player, and soon enough it was your turn. You were terrified. Linking arms with everyone made the realization that this might be your last game even more prominent in your head. As you guys began to play you all fumbled a bit, but it ended up being okay because you soon were crossing the finish line. You all screamed and cheered, hugging each other in excitement as well as relief. Soon you were being ushered back to the dormitory to wait for everyone to finish playing. 

You started to walk towards your bunk when a hand touched your shoulder, then soon dropped from its place. It made you freeze in your spot, slowly you turned around to see Hyun Ju. “You can come sit with us.” she said, nodding towards where your group were all hanging out. You swallowed trying to think of an answer, an excuse maybe? Hesitantly you nodded, stuffing your clammy hands into your jacket pockets. Hyun Ju patted the spot next to her and you shyly sat down. You remained silent and just listened as everyone talked among themselves; they mostly talked about their lives outside of the games and what they planned on doing when they left. If we even live to make it out of here, you thought to yourself. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The night went by smoothly; you ate your dinner with your new found group of friends and ended up sleeping in their spot so you weren’t by yourself. It made you feel good to be included with them and you expressed how much you appreciated it. Though for most of the night you were silent, only speaking when spoken to. After using the restroom and refreshing your hair as best as possible you soon followed the crowd to the next room. Seeing the round platform and rooms your anxiety spiked. Hearing the rules for the mingle game scared you. You weren’t fast, you weren’t strong. How were you supposed to get into a room quick enough and fight off any one that tried to stop you? You were surely doomed this time.

As the platform stopped spinning and the high-pitched voice called out a number you just stood on the platform, not evening trying. Part of you thinks it's because you’re in shock, but another part of you knows it’s because you’ve begun to give up on the idea of getting out of this hell. A strong hand ripped you out of your thoughts and pulled you into a room, and as you looked around you realized it was Hyun Ju and her friends. You stood there huffing as you tried to catch your breath when Geum-ja pulled you into a tight embrace. You hadn’t realized it but tears began to stain your face as you stood there silently crying, with your arms at your side in complete shock. Hyun ju’s hand gave you a gentle squeeze on the shoulder before turning to leave the room as the door unlocked. You went to follow everyone but froze when you saw all the blood on the ground. The metallic scent sent a wave of nausea over you and you swallowed to keep yourself from throwing up your breakfast. “Keep your eyes up,” Hyun ju’s voice murmured in your ear. She wrapped her arm around your shoulders and began to lead you out of the room. You walked with her and instinctively leaned into her side. Her body felt firm and strong against your own. Returning to the platform you stayed glued to Hyun ju’s side even when her arm dropped from your shoulders. 

The next time the platform finished spinning you were alert, realizing Hyun Ju wasn’t going to just let you stand there and be killed. She cared for you–or at least you wanted to believe that was the reason she saved you. You all ran into a room, quickly turning around you saw Young Mi had been knocked down. Hyun ju had turned to run and grab her when a man rushed in, pulling her in with him. She banged at the door as it locked and you heard Young Mi calling out for her, and you saw Young Mi’s eyes at the door. The reality of what was about to happen kicked in, and when you heard the gunshot and saw her tiny body fall slowly to the ground you rushed over to Hyun Ju. This time it was you who consoled her, wrapping your arm around her shoulders to pull her to you. “I’m so sorry.” you whispered in her ear, though you knew it was pointless. It wasn’t your fault, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

The last round of mingle began and you watched as Hyun Ju stood on the platform with her eyes trained on the floor. Her head seemingly hung in shame, her hair falling in her face. “Two players!” the voice called out, and you hesitated for a moment and when you realized Hyun Ju wasn’t going to move you took her much larger hand in your small one. Tugging her as best you could you pulled her off the platform, through the sea of people and tried to look around for a room. Your eyes found an empty one and you ran as fast as you ever had before, still tugging Hyun Ju behind you. As soon as she was in the room with you, you slammed the door shut. You put all your body weight against it trying to keep people out even though you knew it was locked and no one could enter. 

The time buzzed, signaling the clock had run out and if you were one of the unfortunate people to not be in a room you’d soon meet your end. You turned away from the window, not wanting to see the shooting first hand. Your eyes looked over at Hyun Ju to see she was already staring at you. Nervously you went to speak trying to explain why you saved her, scared that she would be mad. When you opened your mouth to speak you found Hyun Ju stood almost flush to your body, and she reached out and placed her hand on the back of your neck, pulling you into a kiss. It took you off guard at first but you soon shut your eyes, your lips moving in sync with hers. The sound of the door unlocking it caused you two to pull apart from each other. Breathless Hyun Ju pulled you into a hug, her hands resting on your lower back. “Thank you,” she whispered in your ear, her lips brushing against your earlobe. You swallowed nervously and nodded, not trusting your voice to speak.

Hyun Ju pulled away and you looked up to see a small, sad smile on her face along with tears welling in her eyes. It made you sad to see her so upset–you could tell her and Young Mi were close. “I’m sorry–” you started to say but were quickly cut off by another kiss, this one shorter but just as soft as before. “Don’t.” her voice was more stern yet you heard it waver as she tried to compose herself. She turned to walk out of the room and you followed like a lost puppy, having to run a little to catch up with her much longer stride. You two fell into rhythm walking together back to the dormitory and as you climbed the stairs she reached out, grabbing your hand and entangling your fingers together. The action shocked you but you gave her a smile to show you were okay which she happily returned. “Thank you, y/n.” she repeated. “You saved my life, and you don’t even know me.” You laughed quietly and shook your head. “I really like you, I can't let you die.” you teased without even realizing what you had just admitted. Your cheeks burned red, but she leaned down to place a kiss on your forehead. “I like you too, and maybe once we get out of here we could hang out.” she suggested, and you saw her cheeks turn a slight pink color. Seeing her get shy and nervous made your heart swell. You nodded at her suggestion and as you two stepped in the dormitory you squeezed her hand. “I’d love that.” you answered, pulling her into a tight hug, you spoke, “You saved my life too, thank you.” Hyun Ju bent down to press one last kiss to your lips before walking with you towards your group.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Who do you think Epic met first between Color and Delta?

If it was Delta, do you think Color would get paranoid, jealous or upset about Delta having other friends (he doesn't really, just acquaintances)? Would he feel that at first Epic is a threat to his stability?

How would they (mostly Delta/Beta) handle this?

I usually tend to think that Epic met Delta first, and introduced him to Color later on (probably worried about causing Color to feel overwhelmed or trapped with too many people in one spot too early), but I was talking with @toffeebrews on Discord awhile back—when I was making this headcanon—and had the thought that, Color doesn’t know Epic, but Epic saw Color around in Sugar’s (Lust’s) bar a few times.

They never talked to eachother, and Color never saw or remembered Epic being there, but it was an awkward first meeting you can imagine.

As for if Color would be paranoid, jealous or upset, I think so, yeah. I’d imagine that the security he felt with Delta, that likely took awhile to build, would start to waver; and now suddenly everything Delta does and says, or doesn’t do or say, feels—to Color—like he’s going to leave, or that Color is starting to “fade” from existence again, being forgotten again.

Which might be particularly devastating, if Color thought that Delta would never do that to him. Couldn’t.

Considering how we all know Color feels his emotions intensely and—according to himself—can’t control them, is known for his intense anger, explosive emotional outbursts might be likely. However, this is Delta. Someone very, very important to him.

Color has also said he likes the Patience soul in particular because it makes him calm. Not tells him to be, not helps him to be, makes him calm.

We also see in some of the Othertale comics that Color is the type to “go for a walk” and “need space” when his emotions start becoming too much—so he’s at least self aware enough on that front.

In this case however, in his and the souls’ eye, maybe they think Color can’t handle being alone again, being left behind again. They all can’t handle it—they’d rather die. Again.

So I’d imagine that if Color’s emotions—especially his anger—ever start to become “too much” or “bad and wrong,” Patience will make Color unnaturally calm. Eerily so, and in sharp contrast to his behavior earlier. It doesn’t actually stop whatever emotions Color was feeling; it’s just something stopping the dam from breaking and flooding, either at that moment or at that place.

Because it doesn’t want Color to “make” Delta leave them with his emotions, and possibly, doesn’t want Color to hurt himself—hurt them all—as a result of his emotions.

I’d imagine there’d be a lot of internal criticism, guilt, shame and disgust about feeling “wrong” and “bad” emotions on Color’s end. Other souls could make this worse, such as Justice having its own black-and-white sense of justice, Patience disapproving of anger and impatience, and Kindness wanting people to not be “mean.”

Integrity likely could become critical and judgmental as well, if Color ever does or says anything that goes against their morals, values, and rules (assuming they have those in place at this point in time); but only if Color does that. I doubt Integrity is type to place ideas of “good” or “bad” on emotions, feelings, or thoughts—or at least, not to the extent that Color and Justice do.

I feel like Integrity is much more likely to advise Color into just being honest—both with himself, and with Delta. To encourage Color to ask for what he needs, or to ask for something to stop.

It could all lead to Color neglecting himself and his emotions, seeing himself as something evil and tainted for even having them at all, but it still doesn’t stop the growing fear, hurt, and anger—which Color is likely to try to deeply suppress or take out on himself internally, while outwardly either overcompensating or withdrawing and shutting himself off if that fails.

If whatever Delta is doing or saying, or fails to do or say that makes Color feel forgotten, belittled, abandoned, or rejected, continues to persist, it’s possible that’s when Color will have an intense, explosive outburst.

Especially if Color feels like Delta is doing it knowingly and purposefully—because then it shifts from blaming himself, to making it harder to do so and potentially starting to blame Delta or even Epic—only able to see the absolute worse in Delta and/or Epic.

Potentially a lesson for Color to learn to be more communicative about what’s going on inside his head and what he’s feeling.

Ebbebw I hope that made any sense my brains been all over the place lately I’ll probably try to talk more about delta & beta later (or delta and beta fans can add on themselves)

[storges-oranges]

hi clem! i really like your writing so far and i was wondering if i could request smth for touchstarved 👀 recently i’ve been wondering what vere would be like with the sweetest fucking spouse/partner u have ever met. like they might be more angelic then kuras 💀 (honestly i wonder abt all the li’s)

Hey hi hello! Thanks for the kind words! Really appreciate them! I had alot of fun with this but idk if this is what you had in mind, they're mostly a bit angsty , but I hope you like it!

🌸It's hard to imagine Vere with a sweet partner, unless they're rather strong willed. Which you would have to be to deal with him in general. I think the best possibility would be what Dracula and Lisa from castlevania have. Even then, I imagine it would take an eternity for him to come around.

The start of such a relationship would be rocky for sure. I think he would take such a personality as a challenge. He's seen wanna be mother Theresas before, and he knows their resolve crumbles at the slighest hint of danger or when they realize helping the fallen in a place like Eridia takes more than half thought out platitudes.

He would expect you to be the same and pull the usual antics; cornering you in alleyways, baring his fangs or his bloodsoaked claws ect... And turn around each and everytime expecting the looks of fear, disgust before he could proudly prove to you that your own deeply held convictions are a lie. Oh how delicious would the look in your eyes be.

Imho the best way to react to those antics is either indifference or mild annoyence. Why? Well for one it's not like he can go on a killing spree without the permission of the senobium(except for feeding, but I'll consider that a separate thing for the sake of this lxhdhsb), so his displays of violence were mostly confined to dangerous soulless wandering the alleyways. And two because it pisses him off. What? You're not gonna call him an unredeemable abomination? Well that's just not fair. How is he supposed to have his fun now?

His disappointment annoyance morphs into curiosity, then derision. You're not the Wretched creature that runs the clinic in lowtown, you're far easier to kill. Surely you know that right? No one takes those silly little values seriously. If you want to break your curse you'll have to grow a spine.

Yeah sorry, but it would take him a while, years maybe, to fully accept that part of who you are.

When he does though, I think he would develop a bit of a protective streak. He'll never stop pestering you about helping people who clearly wouldn't spit on you of you were on fire, but the remarks would grow less biting and more affectionate.

You might even convince him to do an act of charity here and there but that's where he stops. Having someone who genuinely cares is... nice.

It's a nice thing, and he doesn't have alot of those.

🌸I cannot write this man as anything other than a toxic menace so; Leander resents that part of you. To be precise, he resents that it's not just for him. Part of him is touched by your gentleness and perhaps he tells himself that keeping you under his thumb is the easiest way to preserve your light. But he cannot help the burning pit of envy in his stomach whenever he sees you share thay same light with others. Not that he ever shows it. If Leander has any say in how things turn out, you'll never know the extent of his obsession or how short a leash he wants to keep you on. It's all manipulate mansplain manslaughter with this guy. Some people who have been particularly greedy for your time find opportunities they'd never dream of and are never heard of again.... Weird.

He's not above intentionally getting hurt and then running to you for pampering. Loves it when you fuss over him, loves the hint of worry in your voice as you chastize him for being so careless. Loves loves loves loves LOVES the way you touch him so gently. As if he could break under the lightest touch. As if you could break him. And its so earnest its adorable. Might hiss in faux pain just to have you cup his cheek and murmur "sorry". How kind. How cute.

He's never letting anyone else have you.

🌸Ais would also, much like Vere, be skeptical about your mother Theresa vibes. But he wouldn't be too much of an ass about it. I think the aspect he would crave most from such a partner would be total recognition and acceptance.

The sea spring is a curse in and of itself, so many souls sharing too few bodies and its easy for your own consciousness to be lost in a see of others. And it, in turn, can lead to a loss of autonomy (and identity) thats difficult to deal with. Ais understands that better than anyone, and he strives to give that sense of autonomy to others where he can. Thats why Vere likes him so much imo. It would make sense thats its something Ais himself would appreciate in return.

An angel to him then, would be someone who can tell him where the hivemind ends and where Ais begins. And then love the complicated, temperamental, monster-who-came-from-the-shroud Ais. He is not so different from the soulless, and being seen but rejected might be worse.

To get clarity on who he is, to have his identity redefined and given to him without being encroached upon and on top of it all loved? That would be true companionship. The end to his isolation.

Also not above getting hurt and asking to be pampered. It says in his bio that he likes bar fights. I like to think that it's beacuse it silences the cacophony in his head and the pain reminds him its his body. That he is in still in there, mostly because he feels the pain more than the rest of them.

Being pampered by you serves the same purpose. You love him. You are taking care of him. No other mind is the recipient of this love. He knows he is alive because he can feel the touch of his beloved.

To quote one of my favorite books "The God of small things" by Arundhati Roy:

[...] her body existed only where he touched her. The rest of her was smoke.

The parts of Ais's body that you leave untouched are smoke.

As for the " This is the skin of a killer Bella" duo, well.

🌸Mhin cannot have feelings for you because such a kind person is a beautiful, fragile thing. They have destroyed many beautiful, fragile things. They won't let you be on that list.

It will take a very long time until they somewhat trust that having you around is not a death sentence for you. But a key aspect of being in Mhins life as a lover is figuring out how to reassure them because they are afraid.

What if whatever solution you came up with fails?What if their curse has some other terrible aspect they didn't know about because they haven't been this close to anyone since it befell them? What if your curse and theirs interacted and something happened to you? What if -

You might tease them for being a worry wort, despite their cool and moody exterior chastizing you will take their mind off the anxiety for a second. Tasking woth sharing the food at the local soup kitchen would also help.

Truth is, they would feel a bit embarrassed by their own single mindedness. You are so much weaker than them, but here you are, doing everything you can to help others, even at the detriment of your own quest for a cure. And they..... are doing what, exactly? Loitering by the Senobiums gates?

Be careful not to let their mind wander too long, lest their self deprecating nature take the upper hand.

🌸Kuras hates himself too much to let himself be happy as well. He believes that he doesn't deserve half of what you give him, even before you guys get together.

And I don't think you guys get together before a long long while. I think that you would dane around it. You would help around the clinic, offer food to the residents of lowtown ect..... And that work would bring you together.

At this point in his life Kuras is likely at the end of his rope so he would be to let you linger around him. Let these budding feelings grow and take root.

He can ignore the voice in his head that calls him unworthy as long as there is plausible deniability. Fingers brushing as he passes you your favourite coffee mug.Your breath on his cheek when he bends down so you can whisper something in his ear. Your knees bumping under the table in the cramped space of the clinics kitchenette. Your hand in his as he helps you navigate the crowded streets of lowtown.

It's almost enough, which means there is restraint, which means there is pain. So it's ok. He's not indulging. He knows he doesn't have the right to and he is not.

The problem, of course is that there is pain on both sides. Of course you wouldn't let his reasoning fly. Of course you don't believe he is a corrupt existence. Of course you love a Wretched being like him.

And of course he can't let you ruin yourself like that for him.

I will be upfront dear reader, you will love him for decades before Kuras lets himself love you back. Your insistance will win him over evantually, but centuries of guilt won't magically disappear. Certainly not when Kuras feels you are too good for him.

It is with Kuras that I most clearly see a mariage happening. The years you do get are pure marital bliss and Kuras's only regret is that he lost so much time with you being stubborn.

That a being as short-lived as you could be so kind will mark him forever.

[flawssy-227]

All I Do - Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: All Joel does, is think about you OR Joel asks you to move in.

pairing: Joel miller x f!reader

word count: 1.4k

warnings: no outbreak au, Sarah mentioned, kissing, established relationship. fluff

note: 18+, I will always do my best to leave the reader description as vague as possible (albeit female, but I am a woc, so will also always have woc in mind in my writing) lmk what you think

masterlist

Joel wasn’t sure when he had fallen head over heels in love with you, but lately it was all he could think about. How wholly, deeply, and emphatically he was in love with you. Looking over at your sleeping form, you were damn near angelic. Your lashes brushed against your cheekbones and your lips made the sweetest shape while you dozed. How did he get so lucky? He’s even more surprised you feel the same way about him. That you’ve practically moved in with him and Sarah. That was something he needed to make permanent, he thought. Why were you even keeping your place if you were here every weekend. He wasn’t a religious man, but he had considered lighting a candle to pray you would always feel that way.

He wasn’t even looking for a relationship when he met you. After things with Sarah’s mom ended years ago, he had tried to date, mostly from Tommy and Maria’s urging, but things never felt right. Usually, if anything, his dates would end up with hollow and empty sex. But he never felt an emotional connection. He would never admit it to Sarah or Tommy or his mom, but late at night, he would crave intimacy, connection, another person to just do life with. And then he met you.

It was Sunday morning and Joel was up, watching as the sun made its ascent to the top of the sky. He watched as blocks of light danced across your skin, the heat from the sun causing you to wake up slowly. The little full body cat stretch you did when you woke up naturally was the most endearing thing Joel had seen, something that made his heart flutter when he thought of you. At this point, all he did was think about you.

You finally opened your eyes when you were done stretching, humming when you saw Joel was still in bed with you. Usually he was up before you, showering or helping Sarah with breakfast. You pushed to sit up with him, shifting so you could shift your weight against his and placing a small kiss against his shoulder.

“Good morning, handsome,” you offered, voice cracking from hours of sleep.

Another thing he loved, he thought. How you sound when you first wake up.

Joel instinctively reached for your hand, bringing it up to his lips for a light peck.

“Missed you.”

Now you were laughing, the sound making Joel smile widely and the feeling waking you up a bit more.

“You missed me?” you question, wondering how he could miss you when you literally hadn’t left his side for the last 8 hours in bed, and the 5 or so before that when you had watched a movie and had dinner with him and Sarah. “We’ve been together for the past 12 hours, babe.”

Joel just looks at you and shrugs. “Doesn’t count if you were sleeping for most of it.”

You hum softly at the notion of him missing while you were sleeping. “Joel Miller. The big sap.”

The grunt Joel makes is his attempt at sounding unlike the big sap he definitely is. He couldn’t help it though, outside of Sarah, you were all that mattered to him. And frankly, he was tired of spending so much damn time apart.

“Can ya blame me?” Joel asks, shifting his body so he’s leaning over you, effectively caging you in between his strong arms.

You playfully roll your eyes at him despite that familiar pull in your lower belly. “You’re ridiculous, Joel.” You both knew you didn’t mean it, even if he was being a little ridiculous, it still made your heart warm. You started to let your hands trail up and down the arms that were still caging your body in, sighing dreamily. 

“Not bein’ ridiculous,” he huffed. “We spend far too much time apart, darlin’.” Joel looked into your eyes, nothing but devotion between the two of you, and leaned down to let his lips meet yours. The kiss was sweet and gentle and Joel made a delighted noise at the way you tasted. Even first thing in the morning you were heavenly. Add it to the list.

He pulled away and cleared his throat, moving to sit back next to you. He scratched his jaw and looked out his bedroom window, the sun continuing to rise. You frowned, noticing the shift in his mood and leaned to face him.

“What’s wrong?”

His eyes met yours again, softening slightly which made your heart beat faster, those subtle changes you couldn’t help but notice every time he looked at you.

“Just thinkin’.”

“Uh-oh.”

Joel grunted and rolled his eyes at that. “Hilarious darlin’.” He looked deep in thought, but you just grinned, loving to tease your boyfriend just a bit. When he was silent for a beat too long, you figured maybe this wasn’t a teasing occasion.

You smiled softly, reaching over to cradle his face. He leaned in closer, letting his hand trace down your waist to lay possessively on your hip. You breathed him in, loving the way your scent and his intermingled while you slept, heavily mixed in the sheets and surrounding the both of you.

You kissed him gently again, unable to help yourself but forcing yourself not to get distracted by his lips. “Seriously Joel, what’s on your mind?” you pressed, always wanting you and him to have open communication. He could come to you for anything without fear of judgement.

You could tell he was nervous but you stayed patient, knowing whatever it was, he would open up when he was ready.

“I really did miss you,” Joel whispered, tightening his grip around you. “I miss you all the time. I was- I was thinking you should go ahead and move in here, if you want.” He looked in your eyes, trying to gauge your reaction. You met him with silence, wanting him to continue.

“We just… talk everyday, all day, and you have your place so I get that you wanna be there, and you should if you’re still payin’ rent. But I figure we’re already in love and even though you spend every weekend here, it ain’t enough for me anymore. All I do is think about you. When I wake up I wish you were here. When I come home from a long day at a site, I just want to curl up with you on the couch.”

Your eyes shined with unshed tears. You wanted to melt into a puddle at Joel’s words. You knew he was in love with you, it only took a few weeks of dating for him to confess, much to your glee. You also knew that over the last few months, the love you two shared had grown into something much deeper and intimate. It was something you had never felt before with anyone else. You knew it was special. You were ready for more in your relationship, but you didn’t want to push him too fast. He never really said it, but you could tell he still had some leftover trauma and trust issues from Sarah’s mom–who could blame him?

You were still silent while thinking about how damn in love with him you were, making him shake his head with regret. “Or-or not. Is it too soon?”

You shook your head no, smiling against wet tears that you couldn’t contain. “No, not at all, baby,” your grin completely took over your face. “Not too soon. I just can’t believe you’re so obsessed with me.” Tears were still escaping your eyes, but your teasing tone was back, making Joel huff out a sigh of relief. “I would love to move in with you, Joel. My lease is up next month, anyway.”

He let out a displeased sound at that. “Really? I don’t remember you mentionin’ that.”

“Didn’t wanna put too much pressure on us,” you shrugged. “It’s still so early.”

Joel held you a little bit tighter. “It’s early, but it’s different with us, yeah? Wanting to be with each other more isn’t a bad thing.”

You nodded at that, falling into a comfortable silence as you remained cuddled in each other's arms.

Joel groaned, shifting to get out of bed, mumbling something about starting a pot of coffee before you reached for him, leaning up to press another delicate kiss to his lips. He dreamt of this, having someone like you in his bed, in his heart; someone who he could share life with. He nuzzled into your neck, breathing you in as if he hadn’t spent hours as close as humanly possible next to you.

“Joel,” you sighed, pressing your lips to his neck. “I missed you too.”

[rosesvineyard]

WAKE UP!! the willscuella children just got dropped!!

EEEEEEE look at these cheeky little sillies!! lore and headcannons underneath!! <3

(mostly about Javier's and Bill's parenting, since I can't fit everything about GJ and Aluzio here, so I'll do it in another post!! :D )

☆

Giulia-Jane and Aluzio are about the same age as Jack M, albeit a few months younger, with GJ being the eldest twin. after the VDL gang broke apart, they just sorta.. showed up. they are biologically Javier's and Bill's-- considering they look exactly like them, and with the amount of paranormal shit in rdr2 and rdr1-- it isn't exactly all that impossible.

Javier and Bill were still pretty much on the run during this period of time after the gang fell. at some point, they found the strange two twins, who looked around the age of three or so-- and since they couldn't just leave them there, they took the kids with them.

the main idea wasn't to get too attached to the little rascals and to try and find some place to drop them off... but at some point, that backfired. all because those two kids reminded Bill and Javier too much of their own childhoods-- too much of themselves. plus, it was hard not to grow fond of the toddlers if they were the ones feeding them and sleeping next to them all the time.

Javier always had hoped to be a father eventually, in some shape or form. to him, the kids were like a blessing and a sign to keep going.

they didn't even have their own identity at the start, so Bill suggested they name the girl Giulia-Jane after Javier's sister and Bill's sister. it was a nice gesture, but it sure did drive the guilt and regret deeper into Javier's heart. they never really talked about it after that, of course they didn't.

Aluzio's name wasn't given much thought, but Bill liked the way it sounded with Elijah, so it certainly was a good combination to choose.

after one particular big explosive argument, they decided to rack up enough (stolen) money to provide for GJ and Aluzio, and get a piece of land in the middle of nowhere in Mexico.

onto parenting; Javier had a vague idea on how to raise a functioning person. He had his mother and sister to go off as food influences in his life-- while his father was overworking himself with intense labour. Javier adores GJ and Aluzio, showering them with words of love and affection, since familial love in his culture is shown more outwardly. still, he'd be the one to sit them down and set firm ideas, teaching them right from wrong. and if either of them misbehaved, he'd make sure they'd learn from it. Javier never thought to raise his voice so often at the twins, since he himself never really enjoyed it when he was younger. those uncomfortable memories of being cornered by his father screaming in his face never really sat with him right. so if he started yelling, someone really fucked up. Javier is also the one getting the twins durable, clean clothes and making sure they're fed every night, since he never wants his kids to go hungry and starve like he had to in America.

As for Bill, he didn't have any good role models in his life. His mother died in childbirth and his father was always drunk and never really in his right mind. he had Jane, but back then she was far worse than he was in terms of.. bad behaviour. still, Bill would try his best with raising GJ and Aluzio, trying to do all the things he wanted to do with his own dad when he was young, because, unlike his father, Bill's better than that

he's not a man of sentimental words, so Bill was always the one expressing his love through physical affection. he became a lot more gentle with his burly hands, probably thinking he'd accidentally shatter GJ like a plate 💔 he'd also go out of his way to get things he'd think his girl and boy would enjoy, also making lots of jokes to make the kids happy, even if it was at his expense. fuck it, he even learned how to braid GJ's hair in a traditional Mexican style with ribbons because he wanted her to be happy. even if he didn't really understand the cultural significance, he still did it because he loved her. honestly, Bill's just awkwardly trying his best.

to have people actually depend on and need him was such a foreign concept to Bill, that he wanted to try his hardest and fulfill those needs.

nothings perfect though, because even in domesticity, the Williamson-Escuella family is not safe from regret.

GJ is rarely called by her full name by her parents, and that's because it hurts too much. so instead Bill calls her 'Sweetpea' and Javier calls her 'Mija'

they just hope their son doesn't make the same mistake as they did.

ARGHH PLEASEEEE I'd love to answer any questions or requests about GJ and Aluzio!!!! please give me any more ideas if you have any!!

hell, I'd be happy to receive any willscuella asks in general, thank you for reading!!! <3

[theawkwardanglophile]

My Headcanons For Tim's Houses

I was so thrown for a loop with Tim's new house in 7x04. I fully expected them to create a set that looked like Tim's S4 house. And maybe the owner of that house didn't want them to copy it? I have no idea how all of that works (but also, why wouldn't you want your house to be Tim Bradford's house? Anyways....)

So, I spent time trying to rationalize within canon why we've seen 3 houses. Here's what I came up with. Again, this is all my own speculation:

1st House (S1 & S2): While the scenes with Rachel in Tim's bedroom aren't confirmed to be the same house as the 1x07 cold open, it definitely feels like they could be, and that's always been my assumption. I believe it was the house he shared with Isabel. Maybe when Rachel decided to move to New York, it really got him thinking. He considered moving across the country but knew that wasn't the right choice. But perhaps he figured instead of making a giant move like that, he could at least make a small move and get out of the house that undoubtedly had painful memories from his marriage falling apart.

2nd House (S4): My headcanon now is that this one was a rental. He moved quickly in the 2-month span of S3, and this house has the least amount of decor in it. Which, yes, goes with the sleek, minimalist look of the house, but after seeing the 3rd house with all its knick-knacks and busier decor, it's interesting the middle house has none of that. I just wonder if the second house was always meant to be a stepping stone, so he just never bothered to do much with it. This one is probably my fave mostly because of just how fresh and bright it is.

Another thought that just came to me is he didn't have a spare bed to offer Lucy in 4x01, which could be because he'd just moved, or could be because it was just a 1-bedroom rental.

3rd House (S7): My headcanon is he bought this after he and Genny sold their childhood home, and after he got into Metro. I think Lucy not only helped him pick out the house, both thinking one day it would be theirs, but she helped him decorate as well. The yellow throw pillows?! Come on. She helped him take all his knack-knacks out of storage and found a place for them, making it seem a lot more like the first house. I'm not totally sold on this new house yet, but it seems homey and lived-in, more than the previous one, and I'm curious what else we're going to see happen in it.

Feel free to share any thoughts you have!

[ghostlymarauder]

Okay, so, Epic made me obsess over the Odyssey so much that I finally decided to read it (don't ask me why I hadn't read it before, I honestly don't know), therefore, I'm now able to see what things were left out from the musical and even what things were made out.

So, in this essay, I will (and I mean that literally, I'm going to yap about this till I have nothing else to say) talk about each of the sagas—except for the Troy saga, I haven't read the Illiad yet, don't come at me—and the differences between Homer's Odyssey and Epic: The Musical.

This will not be in any particular order, I'll just mention stuff as I remember and/or read it.

For starters, something I find interesting are the songs Suffering and Different Beast, given that the paragraph that both songs are based on is incredibly short and doesn't mention any siren pretending to be Penelope nor does it mention Odysseus crew cutting the sirens tails and letting drown in the ocean.

Furthermore, in the Odyssey, Circe tells Odysseus about the sirens and tells him exactly what he has to do to survive them (this happens when they go back to Circe's island to bury Elpenor) (yes, the one who died for being too drunk). And what she tells him is that all of his crew has to put wax on their ears, and he has to get tied up to the mast.

So, it's honestly impressive that Jorge was able to make what I consider to be two of the greatest songs in the musical (the entire Thunder Saga is absolutely amazing) based on a tiny teeny paragraph with little to no detail.

On that same note, there's also no mention that Odysseus chooses the men that are going to die at the hands of Scylla, but he does keep the information that Scylla devours at least six men out of every ship to himself.

The musical also avoids the entire Phaeacians thing, and I suppose that's a logical decision given that most of the time Odysseus spends on Scheria is used so Ody can tell the Phaeacians all of the things he'd gone through. But, interesting enough, the whole "the rage of Posedion: the sequel" thing doesn't happen against Odysseus but against the Phaeacians (he turns the ship they used to take Odysseus to Ithaca to stone).

Also, when Odysseus wakes up in Ithaca, the first thing he does is talk to Athena, and she's the one to tell him about the suitors and all that's happening in his palace. Which reminds me that, in The Challenge, Penelope mentions the suitors don't know she unthreads the shroud, but in the book, they find about that at the start, even before Telemachus leaves to Pylos.

Now, on a different note, you what I find funny? Polites, because in the books he's alive by the time they arrive to Circe's island, but in the musical that motherfucker (who I love) dies at the hands of Polyphemus. WHICH TALKING ABOUT POLYPHEMUS.

In the book, they don't spend a couple of hours in the cave—they spend days in the fucking cave. Days in which Polyphemus used different members of Odysseus crew as dinner. And, he doesn't really say he mixed lotus in Polyphemus' wine (mostly because in the book the lotus-eaters island and the cyclops island are two different places) but he does give Polyphemus a shit ton of wine until he's essentially black out drunk.

Generally, the Cyclops part in the Odyssey it's much more gruesome than it is in Epic (which I guess it's logic)

Now, talking about something a little bit different, in the Odyssey there doesn't seem to be mention of a second wind bag (mentioned in Dangerous, though it's not really a second wind bag). Also, Odysseus encounter with Charybdis happens before he gets to Scheria, right after his men die during a storm produced by Zeus after Eurylochus and the rest kill the cows of the Sun God.

Which, talking about the godforsaken cows, Odysseus says, and I quote, "This cows were immortal, they were the Sun God's friends", but in the Odyssey, Homer doesn't tells us that the cows were immortal. Instead, the remains of the cows were somewhat cursed by Zeus, so they'd moo even while they were cooking them.

If we talk about The Underworld Saga, there's a couple of interesting things to mention—firstly, Odysseus not only talks with Tiresias, Elpenor and his mom, but he also talks with Achilles, Heracles and Agamenon. His conversation with Achilles is particularly important because this Achilles explicitly tells Odysseus he would rather be alive and honorless, than dead and praised.

Heracles, on the other hand, it's not really the actual Heracles, but a spirit akin to an illusion or imprint of Heracles.

Also, Odysseus doesn't really goes to the Underworld, not in the way Heracles goes to the Underworld when he goes to get Cerberus out. But it's an evocation to the death at the doors of Hades' house. Which reminds me, when Odysseus sees his mother, he goes to hug her, and when he can't do so because she's an spirit, he says he thinks it's Persephone making him have this hallucinations.

Now, when it comes to the lyrics of the songs The Underworld, No Longer You, and Monster, I believe Jorge kept everything pretty accurate. Because when Odysseus says that all he hears are screams, it's pretty close to what happens in the Odyssey, given that Odysseus is surrounded by the ghosts of hundreds of people. And, well, Monster happens because Tiresias essentially tells Odysseus that his crew is doomed because of the actions they'll commit.

After they escape Scylla, Odysseus tries to keep his crew from going to the Sun God's island, given that both Circe and Tiresias insisted he had to go there, but Eurylochus talks him into doing otherwise. When they get there, they spend a couple of weeks trapped, and as long as they have food, they leave the Sun God's cows alone, but as soon as food becomes scarce, Eurylochus talks Odysseus' crew into killing some of the cows.

Though, on the other hand, when they're given the wind bag, and his crews opens it, I don't recall anything specific mention that Eurylochus is the one to convince them.

EDIT 1: As I said, I knew I'd have more shit to yap about sooner than later.

I just wanted to mention that Odysseus and Telemachus' first encounter happens before they go after the suitors, when they're at Eumaeus' place. Similarly, the whole thing of the suitors planning to wait for Telemachus to arrive and kill him before he comes back to Ithaca happens pretty much at the start of the book.

On that same note, I think in the musical, it's never really mention where does Telemachus goes on his 'diplomatic mission', but he goes to Pylos to visit Nestor (who later instructs him to go visit Menelaus in Sparta).

I think that, for now, that's all I have to say about the differences between the Odyssey and Epic, but count on me having more shit to yap about in a few days.

Also, just to let you know, I'm in no way saying these are mistakes, and I'm aware that plenty of these were conscious decisions made by Jorge to help the narrative of the musical, I'm just pointing the differences I've found because I find it really interesting.

[aperrywilliams]

Satellite Call. Part II: I Wish I Could Do More (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

------------------ 

Author Masterlist | Series Masterlist

------------------

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader.

Words count for this part: 4.1k

Series summary: Your world crushes when Spencer is arrested. Between finding a way to get him out and keeping you afloat, there is something else you need to focus on, too. And even when you thought things couldn’t go worse, a tragedy makes you question if you can make it through.

Part II summary: While Spencer is transferred to Milburn, you must be strong and find a way to get him out, even if you're hurt by what he did. Some news could make this even more difficult.

Series warnings: ANGST (with CAPS). 18+ (MDNI). Some heavy topics will be discussed and shown here. Prison arc, but mostly from Reader's perspective and Emily’s. More detailed under the cut.

Spencer lies to his wife. Drug consumption (against their will). Pregnancy symptoms. Spencer is in jail for more than three months. Hospital visits, doctor’s info dumping (not accurate). Alcohol consumption. Arguing. Strong language. A lot of crying. Emotional breakdowns. A car crash happens (as in the CM storyline). Character dies. More hospital things. Miscarriage. More angst. Depressing symptoms. Mourning. Self-doubt. Suicidal ideation, and almost consummated. Emily is everyone’s emotional support.

---------------

You couldn't sleep that night. The mere thought of Spencer in a cold cell, alone, disoriented, and scared, makes you sick. You had been talking to Emily late into the night, trying to figure out legal options. She assured you she had an excellent lawyer who could defend Spencer and that they could visit him the next day to give him the news.

As planned, you and Emily arrive at the police station early in the morning. After a routine check, you are allowed into the cell block. Emily tells you to go first while she waits for Fiona, Spencer's new lawyer.

The moment he sees you, Spencer rushes to hug you. You hug him just as tightly, resting your head on his chest.

"Are you okay?" you ask, muffling your words in Spencer's old cardigan he is wearing. It gives him some kind of normal semblance, considering the circumstances.

"Yeah. I'm okay," Spencer says, kissing the top of your head.

His voice tells you he is everything but okay. You are sure he didn't sleep, the same as you.

When you part of your embrace, Spencer doesn't want to let you go, clasping his hands in yours. Inspecting your face, he knows there is something you need to tell him, and you don't know how.

"What is it?"

You sigh, tightening the grip of his hands.

"The FBI decided they won't support you legally. They refused to provide a lawyer to take your case."

"What?" He lets go of your hands, surprised by the news you are giving him. "But why? I didn't do anything!"

"We know, but you made that trip without your FBI passport and didn't tell anyone. They won't take responsibility for it." As you see Spencer starting to hyperventilate, you rush to explain Emily's plan.

"Hey, Spencer. Listen to me. It doesn't mean you won't have a defense, okay? Emily is here too, and she got a lawyer for you. They will be here in a minute."

"But - but I don't have money to afford a lawyer. I - I spent a huge amount of my savings on my mom's treatment."

You didn't know that. That's another thing Spencer hasn't shared with you in the past months. He notices your expression after what he just said. He can see the betrayal in your eyes, even if you want to mask it for his sake.

"We'll manage." It's the only thing you can say, keeping your voice steady. Spencer sighs and grabs one of your hands.

"I know it's not fair for you. Please, tell me what you are thinking; tell me what you are feeling. Tell me everything that I deserve to hear."

What are you really thinking and feeling right now? It's a mix you can't decipher yet, but this is not the time or place to try to figure it out.

So you act as if he didn't say anything and try to divert the subject.

"Emily and Fiona will be here in any minute. Fiona is your lawyer's name. Emily told me she's good-"

"Baby-" Spencer calls you, but you continue with your rant, letting go of his hand.

"Her credentials are pretty impressive, to be honest. Emily handed her your file already, so-"

Spencer knows you are deflecting, so he cut you off.

"Can you stop for a second, please?"

And you do. Spencer's frustration is very clear in his voice, although as the words leave his lips, he retracts immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to snap."

You keep looking at him. It's not you're annoyed or angry. It's not difficult to understand Spencer's anxiety about all of this and the compel to explain himself before you. But you don't know how to deal with it either, so you think being proactive might help. Help to focus on the important, leaving behind the storm blowing inside you.

Spencer can see you're holding back. He wants you to talk to him, but since you arrived, the conversation has only focused on him, and you don't seem keen to change that.

You are considering switching subjects again, but what can you talk about that isn't the obvious topic? Before you dwell much on it, Spencer spares you the decision.

"So, you say she'll be here soon?"

"Yes."

"Will you stay?"

"No. By protocol, Fiona must talk to you alone. Also, you must tell her everything in detail. Even the things you haven't told me."

Spencer might be in a vulnerable position right now, but he's still a profiler and, beyond that, your husband. He can read your subtexts better than anyone.

"You are still mad."

It's simple and accurate, but you don't want to acknowledge it, much less address it.

"Can we focus on the important here?" You don't deny it, but you prefer not to talk about it.

"And you think how you feel is not important?" Spencer asks, eyes scanning yours.

"It's not important when the one locked here is you, and we have to use all our energy to get you out."

Spencer knows you are right, but he also knows you're hurting because of him.

"Not a million 'I'm sorry's' will change where we are now, and it is very cynical of me to ask you for this, but please, don't leave me in the dark. I want to know what you are thinking and feeling. Although you believe the priority is focusing on my case, that's not the only thing that matters to me."

You take in his words for a moment. You know he's genuine, but the clench in the pit of your stomach makes it difficult to push away your anger. All this situation is unfair, and you don't know how to deal with your emotions.

"You're right. Nothing will change where we are now. That's why I'm trying to focus on the practical things. I can't even process what I'm feeling right now, so don't ask me something you didn't do, and I can't do either."

What you said is not much in words, but it's heavy enough to make Spencer's head hang low.

Spencer knows he's a hypocrite asking you for something he didn't do: talk to you when it was needed.

"I'm so sorry," he mumbles, stepping closer to you. He wants to hold you, but you are shaken enough, plus you are starting to feel nauseous, so you step back.

"Baby," he repeats, and before you can reply, Emily and Fiona enter the room.

Emily quickly notices things are tense between you two.

"We can give you some more minutes," she offers. But you brisky refuse.

"It's okay. You guys need it more than me," you say, now looking at Fiona. "Nice to meet you, by the way. I'll leave you at it."

Spencer calls your name, and you turn to him with apologetic eyes. "I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise. We can talk about that later, okay?"

And before anyone in the room could say anything else, you leave.

You feel suffocated, and your feet don't move fast enough to get out of there. Your breathing quickens, and you start to feel like the walls are closing in around you. Luckily for you, the exit is only a few more meters away. Once you're out of the building, you crouch down and start to inhale and exhale hard. Over and over again. Your breathing is getting controlled, but you get a horrible nausea that makes you empty your stomach in a corner of the sidewalk.

You considered staying and waiting for Emily, but you decided to go home instead. You messaged her to let her know when she had news.

That same afternoon, Emily calls you and gives you details about the legal strategy Fiona will pursue while the team is instructed to look for evidence to exonerate Spencer. The arraignment will be the next day, and Fiona will try to get Spencer out on bail. That gives you some hope, although, in terms of the investigation, you're all still in the dark.

It doesn't help that the judge denies Spencer’s bail the next day. Neither the evidence of his impeccable previous conduct nor the arguments about his contributions to the FBI convince her to give Spencer bail, so she orders his incarceration in the Milburn correctional facility until his trial, which will take place in three more months. You can’t believe it. No one does. It breaks your heart to see Spencer’s face when he looks at you before being cuffed and whisked away from the courtroom. He’s scared, and you can’t do anything about it. Spencer tries to mask it, mouthing an ‘I love you’ to you. You do the same, trying to keep your tears at bay.

Never in a million years would you have imagined something like this. Still in shock, you can barely hear the encouraging words of Fiona and Emily, who begin to formulate a new plan for Spencer. Helplessness overwhelms you, and not wanting to listen anymore, you excuse yourself and walk toward the exit of the courtroom. You are not sure why, but there is no reason to remain stunned in the same place, either.

This time, it’s  Rossi who finds you sulking as you sit on the stairs of the building entrance.

“The kid is strong, you know that, right?”

You look at him when he sits by your side.

“He is. I know,” you sniffle. “But he needs more than strength right now. He needs us to prove his innocence, and here I am. Crying and doing nothing to help him.”

“And we’ll prove his innocence. But one step at a time. Today, we lose, and it’s okay to dwell and cry, to get up tomorrow and keep fighting.”

Rossi is probably right. After all, he is the one with the most experience in life. But it is hard for you to see how to continue fighting when you feel like you have been losing battles for days.

You take David’s advice—one day at a time. Exhausted, when you get home, you plop on your couch and try to digest everything. You cry and curse, but at the end of the day, you just hope the next day could be better.

When you arrive at the BAU in the morning, Emily calls the entire team into the conference room. On the round table, you see a pile of papers while Penelope is already sitting, working on a laptop.

“Okay, we need to assume Scratch is behind Nadie Ramos's murder. We need to figure out how he knew her,” Prentiss starts.

“She wasn’t his target. It's circumstantial due to her connection to Spence,” JJ states. Tara nods.

“True. But it can’t be a coincidence we’re talking about someone connected to alternative medicine and plants. The same Scratch uses them to make his drugs.”

All give some ideas on how Scratch could be related to Spencer’s case, but even when they have good hypotheses, there is something that doesn't fit you.

“What are your thoughts?” Stephen asks you when he notices you’re the only one who hasn’t said anything yet.

“Why Spencer?” Your colleagues' attention is on you now. “I mean, it could have been any of us. If Scratch already targeted us, why Spencer, and why now?”

“He had messed with Hotch and Tara by now. I guess he will try to get us one by one,” Luke answers.

“Yeah, but isn’t it inconvenient for him to expose himself like this? I mean, he didn't do this alone,” you argue.

“I don’t think that bothers him. He likes the attention and will do anything to get it. This time, it is the kid who is in the middle,” Rossi concludes.

You’re not so sure, but you don’t have any evidence to refute your teammates. You also feel that maybe you’re being a bit paranoid saying this is especially against Spencer, so you don’t keep pushing and leave the team to bounce their theories.

Two full days pass, and you don’t have anything to prove Spencer’s innocence. The team keeps the same approach settled the days prior, and you’re getting impatient. That, and the lack of sleep, gets you irritated. It's something all can see, but they don’t have the heart to call you out.

Emily has to do something after you yelled at Penelope in front of everyone after she came with nothing about Scratch's supposed partner, and two seconds later, you started to cry disconsolately, asking her for forgiveness.

“You need to go home. I won’t tell you the reasons because you already know them. We need you with fresh eyes. Spencer needs you with fresh eyes,” your boss reminds you. Of course, you want to argue with her, but she is right. With no words, you nod and grab your stuff from your desk.

Emily is right; you need to find a way to keep your shit together. It's hard, you tell yourself, but you have to try. The next morning, you’ll visit Spencer at Milburn. It’s the first time they will allow him to see someone that is not his lawyer.

Sleep doesn't come so quickly that night, but at some point, exhaustion wins the battle, and you fall asleep.

You don’t remember if you were dreaming or not, but still, in a haze, you feel your stomach churn and then some horrible nausea. That’s what fully wakes you up. Jumping from the bed, you run to the bathroom to empty your guts.

Jeez, not again. You have been cautious not to eat something that could make you sick. But to be honest, you haven’t been eating much the past few days due to stress. Maybe your nausea is also due to that.

When the uncomfortable feeling dissipates, you peak at your clock and realize it's time to get up. After brushing your teeth, you jump into the shower.

You've been to different prisons around the country many times. Sometimes, with Spencer himself, interviewing inmates. Some of them being the worst scum the world has to offer. And now, in front of Milburn correctional, the irony isn’t lost on you.

The visiting room is full of people waiting for the time when the prisoners can enter and sit in front of their visitors. After the sound of an old buzzer, a gate opens at the back of the room, and one by one, the prisoners begin to enter. They are all dressed in that orange jumper that already bothered you before but that you will now learn to hate even more.

You spot Spencer, and your stomach tightens. His gaze meets yours, and he gives you a shadow of a smile.

“Hey,” you mumble as he sits in the chair in front. Separated by an acrylic glass, you can’t touch each other. That’s the rule, and you already hate it.

“Hi,” Spencer greets back, biting his lower lip. For him, it's so good to see you, but not like this. Your last encounter didn't end well either, so Spencer is worried about how to talk to you.

“How are you holding on?” You are direct; it is not useful to ask how he is doing in a place like this. Spencer shrugs.

“They let me read. It's not that bad.”

“Have you been sleeping?” You have a list of checkup questions to assess Spencer's current state.

“Not that much. But it's okay, you know I usually don’t sleep that much.”

Before your next question leaves your lips, Spencer speaks.

“I love you,” he whispers, and you are left speechless. It’s the cue Spencer needs to keep talking. “And I hate every minute I can’t be with you. I fucked up, and I know you want to focus on my defense instead of talking about how you feel about this.”

“Spencer-”

“It’s okay,” he rushes to say. “I’m going to respect that. But I want you to know I do care, and you don’t have to spare me anything for my sake.”

Your eyes fill with tears, and some start to run down your cheeks. You can’t help it. The knot in your throat begging to be untied.

“I - it’s like-” you try to collect your thoughts as you wipe your tears. Spencer only wants to jump the glass to wipe them himself.

“It hurts, Spencer. It hurts that I can’t do more to help you. Yeah. I’m mad at you for not trusting me. I’m mad at myself for not being enough for you to trust me. I love so fucking much, and it scares me because I’m not thinking clearly, and I should be working to catch the son of the bitch who puts you here.”

Your rant finishes with you out of breath and hiccuping. “I’m sorry, I just spilled-” You want to apologize, but Spencer calls your name to catch your attention.

“Baby, it's okay. It's okay to let that out. You need to. And I’m here to listen to you. I would never judge you for telling me what you are feeling. I love you so so much. I know you are doing your best, and I wish I could be more helpful, too. After all, I‘m the one who left his guard down.”

“What can I do, Spencer? How can I help you? I feel so lost right now,” you admit, and Spencer understands perfectly your frustration.

“The only thing I dare to ask you is to keep loving me. Please. To know you are here and that you love me gives me a reason to go on. To fight.”

“There isn’t a universe where I don’t love you. I’m your wife through thick and thin,” you tell him, voice full of emotion.

It is raw and utterly true. Spencer’s glassy eyes are evidence of how your words hit him in the best way possible.

“I love you,” he mutters, resting his palm on the glass. You mimic his gesture to match your palm with his.

“I love you, too.”

The visit ends not much later, but you can discuss the lack of progress in the investigation and how important it is that Spencer remember more details of his days in Mexico. This will give you a clue about who Scratch’s partner can be.

You go home with a bittersweet taste. Seeing Spencer and talking to him is the sweet one, but the lack of good news is the bitter one.

In the afternoon, you call Emily to tell her about your visit to Milburn and ask for updates. While you do so, your stomach reminds you how little you have been eating in the past few days. Between the bug you think you had and the stress, your last meals haven’t quite achieved the minimum nutrient requirements. So, after an inner struggle, you go to the kitchen and cook something better than tea and crackers.

You boost some energy into your system and use that to do some of the house chores. The place is kind of a mess.

That's why at night when you let your head hit the pillow, you’re fast asleep in a matter of minutes. And unlike the days prior, you dream.

-

You and Spencer are sitting side by side on the jet, discussing the last case you closed—coincidentally, your first case as a BAU official member. ‘How is it that she didn't notice any signs of being pregnant? I mean, your body changes; you should notice it at some point,’ you argue, talking about the unsub wife, who didn't know she was expecting until the day she gave birth. ‘It’s not that uncommon. The known symptoms of pregnancy can include missed periods, tender and swollen breasts, nausea or vomiting, increased urination, fatigue, and food aversions or cravings. However, each woman's experience with pregnancy can vary significantly, and not everyone will experience all of these signs. Plus, some of those symptoms can be related to other health affections, such as stress, digestive issues, or even blood imbalance like anemia.’ ‘Why do you know a lot of things about those things? The last time I checked, none of your PhDs were related to an MD.’ ‘I like to know about a lot of things. And I read a lot.” ‘I can tell.’

-

You wake up startled from your dream. Why did your brain trigger that specific memory right now in your dream? Sitting on your bed, still panting from the sudden wake-up, you go to recheck.

It does not take you much time to connect the dots. Fatigue, morning sickness, mood swings, food aversion. When was the last time you got your period?

Fuck. Fuck. And fuck.

You jump from the bed, pacing in your room. No. It can’t be.

But after a quick trip to the pharmacy at five in the morning and three pregnancy tests later, you get your answer: the three came positive. You are pregnant.

What will this mean in the vast aspects of your life? In this timing and these circumstances?

You don't have answers. You don’t have anything at hand to help you think clearly, so you decide to go to the person who maybe can see this from a better perspective: Emily.

When Emily opens the door, she looks already concerned that you’re knocking on her door at 6 AM, and her worry worsens when she sees you crying.

“Hey, what is it? Why are you crying? What happened?” As every question leaves Emily’s mouth, she rushes you inside her apartment and makes you sit on the couch.

You feel like you're having a hard time breathing, but you close your eyes and do your best not to collapse on your friend’s floor. Emily moves quickly and goes to the kitchen to grab a glass of water with some sugar to calm the nerves. After you take some sips, Emily holds the glass and leaves it on the coffee table. Now, with her full attention on you, you know she needs answers.

“Emily, I’m pregnant.”

Without any prompting, the words leave your lips. And it still feels so foreign to you. Even if the three pregnancy tests on your bathroom counter can confirm it’s something real. It’s your reality right now.

Emily is silent, not because she doesn't know what to say, but most of all because she wants to gauge your reaction and know your thoughts about it. Your face is unreadable, though.

“Are you sure? Did you check with a doctor?”

She thinks it’s a cautious question, considering everything that has been going on, and it could be a false positive.

“Not with a doctor. But three different tests say I’m pregnant. Em, what I’m going to do?”

“Okay. Let’s see,” your friend prompts. “First of all, we need to get you checked. The past months have been rough, and we need to know how your health is. Then you can think about what to do.”

You still can’t wrap your head around the idea of being pregnant. But when the doctor confirms you are, it becomes real. Fortunately, Emily is by your side when this happens because you’re sure you have fainted without anyone to ground you there.

“How are you feeling?”

Emily returns with you to your apartment after the doctor’s appointment. She’s handing you a mug of tea while you’re tuck-sitting on the couch, hugging your knees.

“I don’t know. I mean- I don’t know,” you confess as Emily joins you on the couch.

“It's okay if you don’t know yet. You need time to process it.”

“Do I have time to do that? Knowing Spencer is in jail and - and this,” you look at your still non-existent baby bump. “And this is happening? What am I going to do?”

“It’s not ideal, but you need to think this through. I can’t tell you what to do because it’s your choice.”

Your choice. And the less you want to do is to decide big things these days.

“At least tell me what you think. An insight can help here.”

Emily contemplates her answer for a moment.

“Okay. Have you had this conversation with Spencer before? The kids thing?”

“Yeah. We agreed that, at some point, we want to. I guess that's why we haven’t done much to prevent it.”

That's the thing. It's not that you both were actively trying, but the fact that it is happening now? It's not the best timing.

“Well, if that's the case, just know I’m here to support you. Whatever you decide to do. I’m not going to judge you. No one will do. Not even Spencer, okay?”

You know Emily is telling the truth, and you appreciate her support, although you still don’t know what your choice will be on this. The only thing you‘re certain right now is how complicated everything has turned out.

---------------

Previous | Next

---------------

Series Taglist: @strawb3heart @lunaryoongie @bwlol7

[sunsetcougar]

…eh fuck it, here’s definitely my most controversial Hazbin Hotel opinion and why I think it.

I don’t Adam and the exorcists are entirely in the wrong, and I don’t think Charlie is entirely in the right.

Let me explain before you go at me. Buckle up, this is a long post.

Hell is a horrible, horrible place. That’s just a fact. The worst of the worst people end up there. Rapists, murderers, child molestors, genocidal dictators, etc. It’s the place for awful people.

Heaven is the place where a lot of those people’s innocent victims would end up. Those raped and murdered, killed for amusement or because someone hated them for no good reason, who suffered because of the awful people who eventually end up in Hell.

In Heaven, the monsters who hunted and haunted them in life can’t get to them anymore. They’re safe, able to live out their eternal existence in peace and safety while those monsters…

Get to continue being monsters. Is Valentino suffering for his what he’s done? Alastor? Vox? Zestial? All of these people who did things in life so awful that it earned them Hell now get to just… continue being awful. Forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and- you get the point. There’s no true punishment for them, because they’re such rotten people that Hell is like Heaven to them.

The longer they get to run amok, the more power and souls they can obtain. They can get stronger, and stronger, without anybody putting a cap on it. I think the angel’s fear of what could happen if those sinner’s endless hunger is turned towards Heaven is misplaced, because they’ve already shown us what they are.

Now, think about Adam. Think about being the First. The First Man, the First Human, the Father of Humanity, the one Made in God’s Image, and the First Betrayed. The First Heartbroken. The First to Watch His Child Die at the hands of one infected with the Sin that the angel he had once trusted and the first woman to betray him had let into Paradise.

He gets cast out of Eden, has to learn to survive in a world where anything could kill him and his family when he’d never known pain or hunger or cold or grief before. He grows colder, harsher, because he can not afford to be soft anymore.

He lives, he dies, he goes to Heaven. Finally, his reward. He can lay back and watch his descendants flourish as he rests.

Except… wait. That’s not what happened.

He is the First, which means he has to witness everything.

The invention of beautiful, wonderful things. Electricity, penicillin, fireworks, embroidery, space travel, books, painting, math, cars, so many incredible things. Fuck, he got to watch his descendants fly to the moon! Now they’re trying to get to Mars!

But alongside all the good, is so. Much. Pain. Genocide, poison gas, torture, the witch hunts, the atomic bomb, rape, trafficking, species he named and loved in Eden driven to extinction to satisfy that damned hunger that can never. Be. Sated.

For thousands of years he’s had to watch as more and more of humanity reached Heaven, and even more went to Hell.

If you were in his shoes, would you not be tired? Numb? Angry? Greiving? Would you not despise the ones who took paradise from your family?

I think there’s a lot more to him than the shallow image we’ve seen. There has to be. He is the First after all.

So I don’t think he and the exorcists are entirely in the wrong. I think that while there’s definitely a lot of fucked up shit they’ve done and I’m not excusing it, that ultimately yeah, they were mostly in the right. And really, is it not a mercy to some of the souls they’ve killed? Ending their eternal suffering?

Charlie has stated that it is her belief that all sinners can be redeemed, and it’s my opinion that that ideology is flawed. Because all means all. Every single one. Every cannibal, every serial killer, every rapist, every genocidal dictator, every. Single. Monster. I don’t think she has bad intentions, but I do think that she’s naive. I don’t think she’s really considered the fact that if they were redeemed than their victims who reside in Heaven then have to live with the monsters they thought they were free from for the rest of eternity.

It’s no wonder Adam doesn’t treat her seriously. She’s lived around 200 years compared to his 10,000+. To him, she must seem like a child who hasn’t grown up enough to realize that her fantasy world of sunshine and rainbows is unrealistic. She is the spawn of the two people who damned humanity, now trying to put monsters with their victims.

No wonder he was angry. No wonder he wanted her dead. No wonder he looked almost relieved when he realized he could rest now, that the weight of his children’s sins is no longer on his shoulders.

[post-apocalyptic-fantasy-au]

4

[previous] [next] [first]

Tango awoke much slower this time, and in bursts, like the tide washing in. The process sped up once he realised he was waking up, and he carefully cracked his eyes open.

Then immediately closed them again with a groan as the bright lights of the lab attacked him. Even after 150 years, he still forgot about them most mornings.

"You're awake!" a voice said, and Tango frowned. That wasn't Cub. Nor was it Doc. Or any of the other scientists that paid him regular visits. "How are you feeling, man?"

He managed to crack one eye open a little bit to see...

Definitely not a scientist.

There was a pair of yellow-irised eyes set into a round, scarred, sun-dark face and topped by a crop of thick brown hair. When his eye managed to focus a little more, he was able to take in the male's figure. Short and stout. A dwarf, he realised. He'd read about them, and Doc had told him stories of a dwarf he'd known in passing before coming to the palace, but he'd never met one himself.

Tango realised he was staring and looked away. Slowly, he opened his other eye to take in the room.

He wasn't at the lab, that was for certain.

The memories came back in a rush, then, leaving the lab and getting sick and passing out. Panic clutched his chest for a second, before he forced himself to focus on the room to push it out.

The room was cosy and big, the ceiling tall - the dwarf could have stacked three times in a room this height and still have plenty of headroom. It seemed to be made mostly of wood, which struck Tango as a supremely bad idea, and was decorated in soft yellows and greens that accentuated the sunlight streaming in from the large windows. The sofa - besides which he was lying - was off-white and covered in soft cushions and blankets. The floor beneath the blanket he'd been laid on was tiled.

He remembered the dwarf's question and mentally scanned his body. He had a horrible, vaguely familiar headache, he could feel a bruise on his hip where he'd fallen, his knees stung in a way he'd never experienced before, and his legs were aching. But it didn't hurt nearly as much to breathe, though each breath still sent stabbing pains to his throat, and he was no longer fighting the constant urge to sneeze and cough. All things considered, he felt a lot better than he would have expected.

"Alright," he mumbled, pressing a hand to his forehead in an attempt to dull the pain.

Slowly, he became aware of his wider environment. There were noises coming from a room nearby, clattering and hissing and what sounded like the occasional clip-clop of hooves, similar to Doc's when he wasn't wearing shoes. And, above it all, laughter and chatter. When he focused, he thought he recognised Zedaph's voice.

"Tango?"

He started and looked around to face the dwarf again. "Hm?" Distantly, he wondered how the dwarf knew his name.

"I asked if you're hungry." The dwarf frowned at him. "Are you sure you're doing alright?"

"I'm fine," Tango told him. He managed to get his hand under himself and pushed up so he was sitting. Then he groaned and pressed his hand back to his head as the movement made it pound.

At that moment, Torchy flew in through the door the noise seemed to be coming from.

"Tango!" he called, relieved.

"Torchy!" Tango held out the hand not waging active warfare on his headache, and Torchy landed on his arm.

Without any preamble, the dragon scurried up his arm, planted himself firmly on Tango's face - blocking his vision entirely - and breathed a steady stream of fire at Tango's head. The headache eased significantly. Tango sighed, removing his hand to place it on the floor behind him so he could rest his weight on his arms. Torchy quickly ran out of fire, he stocks still depleted after helping him before, but by that time the headache had been mostly soothed.

"Thanks, buddy," Tango murmured, pressing his forehead against Torchy's chest, before the dragon repositioned himself to Tango's shoulders.

"Clever dragon you've got there," the dwarf commented.

"Yeah," Tango agreed. He reached up and scratched Torchy behind his horns. He cast his mind back, trying to figure out the last thing he could remember. He could vaguely recall Torchy blowing flames on his head, but why had he-

Oh.

"You put me out," he whispered. That was why his head was pounding, and why Torchy had spent himself lighting him again, and why he'd dreamed of the one and only other time his flames had been put out.

"I'm so sorry, we didn't know! If we had, we never would have-"

Tango shook his head, trying to silently communicate that it was fine - he didn't quite have the energy to speak too much yet. It was his own fault: he should have told Torchy all those hundreds of years ago what happened when his flames died. He should have warned him. Truth be told, he couldn't even remember why he hadn't. He was sure it was a very good reason, though.

Tango cleared his throat, winced at the pain, then asked, "How long have I been out?"

"Just the night, and most of the morning." The dwarf's yellow eyes widened as he realised something. He chuckled a little. "Oh, where are my manners? I'm Impulse!"

"Impulse?"

"Skizz chose it," the dwarf - Impulse - shrugged. "I think it suits him more than me, but he likes it, so-" Another, sightly sheepish, shrug.

At that moment, someone announced loudly, "I hear voices and bring lunch!"

Through the same door that Torchy emerged from came three people: a tall male with bright blue eyes, scars covering almost every visible inch of his pale skin and the brightest smile Tango had ever seen; a strangely familiar centaur female with red curls, a brown coat and a white tail who was clearly the reason for the tall ceiling; and Zedaph.

Zedaph flew right over to him, and when he got close enough for Tango to make out his face, he could see the faerie looked worried.

"Was it my fault? It was that medicine, wasn't it? I shouldn't have given it to you!"

Tango managed a chuckle, waving a weak arm in dismissal. Zedaph landed on the edge of his shoulder and, with a nudge, Tango convinced Torchy to move up a little to make more room for Zed.

"How're you feeling, Top?" the tall male asked.

Tango frowned. "Top? My name is Tango." He'd thought they knew that already. Impulse certainly did.

"Oh, he knows." The centaur rolled her eyes a little, but her mouth was tilted in a fond smile. "Skizz has dubbed you 'Tango Top'. I'm afraid it's a terminal diagnosis."

Something about her voice tickled something in the back of his head, something he was too confused to unwind at that moment.

"Uh..." Tango glanced at Impulse for support, but the it was the tall guy - Skizz - who answered.

"It's a nickname, dude!"

"Oh." Tango had never had a nickname before. He had only the vaguest knowledge of how they worked. He knew 'Doc' was only a nickname, but that was the extent of his experience with them. He always thought a nickname had to mean something, but 'Tango Top' didn't make any sense at all, as far as he could figure.

Skizz and the centaur were each holding a plate towered high with some sort of flat bread-looking thing.

Unbothered by Tango's lackluster response, Skizz said to the centaur, "Let's get these on the table, Gemmy."

"Yep!" Together, they crossed to a large table on the other side of the room. Tango counted eight chairs of various heights and shapes around it.

And, hearing her voice a second time, he realised with a jolt why she seemed familiar.

"Gemmy?" he said, before he realised he was speaking.

She looked up, then giggled a little. "Just Gem. Gemini, technically, but everyone calls me Gem. Gemmy is another Skizz-ism."

Another nickname. This one, at least, made sense. "Gem, then. You brought me here?"

"Yes." She seemed apprehensive, like he might be upset with her for some reason.

"Thank you," he said, and meant it. The thought of lying unconscious out in the open for even a second terrified him.

"Don't thank me yet." She giggled again, nervously this time. "It was my idea to put out your fire."

"You were trying to help. You didn't know."

Relief dragged her shoulders down, and Tango was glad. He hated people worrying over him.

While Skizz and Gemmy finished setting up at the table, Impulse asked him, "Do you know what medicines work for you? Human or otherwise."

Tango shrugged and admitted, "I've never been sick before." He shook his head to clear it, and immediately regretted it when it made the world spin. His claws dug into the tiles behind him to hold him steady. "But I'm not sick. It's just allergies. I'm fine."

Impulse and Skizz shared a look, and he could tell they didn't believe him.

But, instead of pushing it, Skizz asked, "Think you can eat?" as he came over to him.

Tango didn't know what those things at the table were, but they smelled like heaven and he was starving. He thought he could probably devour both plates by himself. Swallowing would hurt, but it would be worth it to fill his stomach.

He nodded, and Skizz held out his hand to pull him to his feet. Tango hesitated, eyeing that hand, then instead braced a hand on the sofa to heave himself to his feet. Immediately, he swayed, nearly losing his balance entirely.

"Woah, dude!" Skizz caught Tango's arm, holding him up so he didn't collapse. "Take a minute to breathe."

"I'm fine," Tango insisted yet again, flinching out of Skizz's grip and leaning against the sofa for balance.

"You keep saying that," Impulse pointed out.

"Because it's true."

Skizz protested, "You nearly just splatted!"

"Nearly knocked me off in the process," Torchy grumbled.

Zedaph, who had gotten shaken from his perch, was now hovering above Skizz's shoulder. "You, my friend, are a long way from fine."

"I'm just hungry." He'd be back to normal once he ate a bit, he was sure.

He braced himself, then pushed off the sofa. He managed to make it all the way to the table without stumbling and fell heavily into the nearest chair.

A pause, and then the others came to sit down as well. Gem and Impulse both had special chairs: Impulse's was taller to allow him to reach the table, and Gem's was little more than a cushioned platform on the floor. Skizz sat on a normal chair like Tango's, and Zedaph simply sat on the table.

Tango watched as the others started adding the flat round things to their plates. Uncertainly, he copied their motions. Then it started getting difficult.

Skizz started adding so much sugar to his plate that Tango thought it should probably be outlawed, Impulse spread some kind of thick, dark brown substance over his, and Gem was pouring an almost-clear liquid over hers. He glanced at Zedaph, hoping to find some sort of hint as to which was the right thing to do, and instead found him somehow shoving an entire circle into his tiny mouth at once.

Immediately distracted, Tango watched as the faerie swallowed, barely chewing. For a second, he seemed significantly larger than normal, before he returned to his normal size and fell backwards on the table, arms spread wide, panting.

"How do you like you pancakes, Tango?" Impulse asked, pulling his from the horror of Zed's eating.

Tango looked up. "What?"

"Can I pass you anything?" Impulse gestured at the collection of jars and bottles and bowls in the middle of the table.

"Um." He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what most of the choices were, let alone which he wanted on his... pancakes, had Impulse called them?

"Have you never had pancakes before?" There was a teasing giggle in Gem's voice, like she thought he was joking.

Tango's flames grew stronger as heat rushed to his face. "No," he admitted.

Immediately, Gem's grin fell, replaced by shock. "Oh."

The three of them shared a glance, then Skizz pushed the bottle Gem had used towards him. "Here, you feel like a lemon sort of guy."

Tango accepted the bottle and, remembering how Gem had only shaken a little bit onto her pancake, he started carefully pouring. When he was satisfied, he folded it carefully, the same way they had. He did his best to ignore the way they were all watching him as he lifted the pancake and took a tentative bite from the corner.

The instant it was in his mouth, Tango forgot to be embarrassed. The pancake was the best thing he had ever tasted. Fresh and warm and real - he would be surprised if there was a single artificial ingredient inside. The lemon he added brought a touch of sourness into the mix, allowing for a wonderful burst of flavour. It was the polar opposite of the weird, nutritious mush he normal ate.

His next bite was bigger, and the one after that even bigger. In seconds, the entire pancake was gone. He sat back with a sigh, unable to stop his grin.

"Good, right?" Skizz was beaming. "That's the Gemmy touch!"

Gem chuckled, pleased. "Wait till you taste Impulse's soup. Unbeatable."

"It's not that good," Impulse shrugged, flushing and waving the compliment away.

"No, don't do that," Skizz scolded. "It's amazing, dude!"

"Want another?" Gem offered Tango one of the plates.

Tango blinked. "I can have more?" This, too, was a foreign concept to him.

"Of course!"

Tango grabbed a second pancake, and Impulse passed his spread over.

"Try some chocolate spread, see what you think."

So Tango spread it on, folded it and tasted. Somehow, impossibly, it was even better than the lemon pancake. Sweet and a little sticky, thick in his mouth, coating his sharp teeth and tongue with the deliciousness.

"Oh, wow," Tango couldn't help but exclaim, before he devoured the whole thing even faster than the first.

Impulse chuckled, giving Skizz a look. Skizz huffed playfully, grinning. Tango wasn't sure what had just happened between them, but he couldn't bring himself to care as he happily licked chocolate spread from the hidden corners inside his mouth.

"Where are you from, Top?" Skizz asked.

Tango hesitated, unsure how much he was allowed to say. No one had explicitly told him not to tell people about the lab, but he'd heard Doc complain about how frustrating it was to not be able to tell his husband about his work. He knew it was meant to be a secret.

"The city," he said eventually.

"The city?" Gem gasped. "Homios?"

Tango shrugged. He didn't know what it was called. "The one with the palace."

"You lived in Homios?!" Impulse looked simultaneously impressed and afraid. "And you weren't killed by the humans?"

"Killed?" The humans wouldn't do that: they'd taken care of him, raised him. Void, they'd made him! Why would they want to kill him?

"The king hates Vis," Skizz explained. His eyes were far away, not seeing the room. "Those he doesn't try to kill, he captures or sells."

Impulse put a hand on Skizz's shoulder.

He thought of Cub's words. "All Vis being held against their will." Had he been held against his will? How many others were there? Were they experiments, like him? Had they been made in the lab, or captured, like Skizz said?

"There's a reason we stay away from that place," Impulse said, reaching to his other side to take Gem's hand.

His eyes settled on them, the small, mismatched family. Skizz, his hand resting on Impulse's, still on Skizz shoulder, his eyes still a million miles away. Impulse, looking between Gem and Skizz, determination mixing in with the fear still tinging his features. Gem, holding gently onto Impulse's fingers, warmth in her eyes, as she watched Skizz and Impulse carefully.

He'd never had this, he realised. It was clear Skizz cared for btoh Gem and Impulse. When Impulse smiled over at Gem, Tango could practically see the warmth radiating from in his gaze. Gem was watching the two males like she'd doing anything to remove the pain they both wore like a badge of honour, and when Skizz finally returned to the here and now and grinned at them, it was with an affection so deep Tango didn't have a word for it in English. He knew it in Dragon, though, because Torchy had said it to him once, a couple dozen years ago when he'd nearly died from an experiment gone too far.

He knew Doc and Cub cared for him, knew they tried to keep him happy and relatively safe, but he also knew it was largely because of how valuable he was to them. Doc had a kid of his own, he knew, and Cub could never stay put long enough to commit to anything; he was constantly going off travelling for days or weeks at a time, finding new things or races. They had their own lives, and Tango wasn't a part of them.

But he saw these people, sharing looks and touches like they were nothing, and it was so clear how intertwined their lives were. They needed each other, not in the way Tango needed the scientists to bring him food and water, but in the way Doc had talked about his daughter needing him at home.

Something hurt in his chest, and he swallowed it down, tilting his head to lean it against Torchy's. He was all Tango needed. He was all he'd ever needed, and there was no reason for that to change now.

The lingering taste of the pancakes had turned bitter.

Tango sighed and pushed to his feet, drawing all their attention back to him. The sudden movement brought his headache back full force, but he managed not to wince.

"I should get going."

Skizz was on his feet in an instant, hurrying to Tango's side to catch his arm in case he collapsed again. Again, Tango pulled away from his touch, pressing a bracing hand on the table instead.

"What's up, buddy?" Skizz asked.

Impulse didn't stand - he was taller on his stool. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," Tango said, starting to feel a bit like a broken record (he'd heard that from Doc, and had no idea what it was referring to). "I just- I should get out of your way, and I need to keep moving anyway. I need to get to the Subsol Woods."

"The Subsol Woods?" Gem got to her feet somewhat gracelessly. "What do you need there?"

Tango wasn't sure the answer to that. A home? A next step? Some sort of purpose? A family, like the one they'd built here? He didn't know.

When he didn't answer, Impulse offered, "Okay, well, how about this. You stay until you're healthy again-"

"That means," Skizz interrupted, "you can walk in a straight line without help, you stop flinching when you move your head, and you don't like like you're about to be sick after standing for a few seconds." He finished with a pointed look at Tango, who was indeed feeling very shaky.

"Right," Impulse agreed. "You stay here until then, then we'll take you to the Subsol Woods. It's been a while since we've visited, anyway, it'll be good to see Cleo and Grian again."

"And all the others, of course," Gem teased.

"Of course." Impulse shrugged nonchalantly, not taking whatever bait Gem had just thrown. "And you can see Pearl."

Gem took on exactly the same casual indifference that felt fake somehow, mimicking Impulse's shrug. "Of course."

"Perfect!" Skizz turned his bright grin on Tango. "Is that a deal?"

Tango simply stared at him for a second, then sighed. "Fine. Deal."

Skizz whooped, and Gem and Impulse laughed at him, and Tango flinched at the noise. Still, he couldn't help smiling a little.

A much larger part of him than he'd ever admit hoped he healed very, very slowly.

[previous] [next] [first]

[twnkttank]

I’m an underweight skinny dude a few months into my journey of getting huge mostly because of your blog

It’s interesting how I even wasn’t into muscles and enjoyed being small until I found your blog and something changed in my mind, I just regret not starting my muscle journey earlier

Hey bro, relatable as fuck. I actually started writing a response to this earlier but it just got so long. I wonder how it's going for you, those newbie gains starting to burst in? Man I hope so.

Thanks for telling me, I fucking love that I helped awaken you, and thanks in advance for turning another twink into a bulging tank, one by one making the world a better place. As I said relatable af -- wish I'd started earlier myself.

When I was in hs and even after, I appreciated being "slender" and cute, all that. Not even BS -- it's awesome to be a cute innocent twink and part of that is how it feels as the musclelust first confuses you, sucks you in, spreads in you, grows in you... and then MUTATES you. Grows you. Unleashes the beast in you. Your fear of what'll happen to you turns to excitement -- can't fucking wait to see what i'll become. But, you're still you. This was always you, both the twink and the tank. At least, I am always both.

I wish I'd started tanking up earlier too. I couldn't take my mind off huge guys and imagining myself as one -- but it terrified me, I hid it from myself, blocked sites that could've helped me explode earlier. I was on a sports team and I actually sabotaged myself in workouts, afraid that once I started to grow I'd be so intoxicated I wouldn't want to stop.

It's a fear that's half valid. Yes starting to grow changes you and your priorities. FUCK it feels good. But, you're an adult. It's a childish fear -- an idea that you won't have control. Bro, you always have control. Not that it's easy (heck I have severe ADHD lol) but you DO always have a choice. If you want to stop the process and not explode into a beautiful fucking tank... you can. At any point. Question is do you want it to stop, bro?

I'm grateful af for things that helped get the ball rolling.One thing that really got the ball rolling in my corruption (or more correctly, correction) was, when I was 20-21, watching one of my friends go from an awkward lanky dude to a cocky fucker as his once loose shirts became tighter as he swelled up with mass. I couldn't stop thinking about what he was doing to himself. It was ugly I thought, but I wanted it, which terrified me. He actually probably noticed, there was one time while we were studying and kind of goofing off he whispered in my ear that I should fucking get big already, he could tell I wanted it. For a whole day after that I was completely unable to stop thinking about it (believe me, I tried), and I caved and rushed to the gym and tried to lift, you know BIG (I failed my sets, it was cute in hindsight, and a huge moment for me -- I wouldn't have done something that actually stupid if I didn't want it badly).

The internet also helped save me from my self sabotage. Thanks a ton guys, a lot of you who post, and/or exploded yourself. I'd still try to sabotage growth: I'm too busy, blabla. On the other, I figured out how to slyly convince myself to make sure I started to get what I needed: I would actually go for it in lifts, because it'd be "cute" to be toned (lol.); I'd start chugging protein powder, it would keep me from getting 'fat' by killing hunger. Creatine would help me focus. And then one day I saw it in the mirror. Still small af but when you come from total twink the first time you see muscles literally bulging out of your skin, even small ones... you feel fucking huge.

I'm feeling my pecs now as I rate this and gosh it feels so great. The way every size feels a bit different. It's a fucking journey. Hope more guys get to experience it. Hope yours is going well bro! If you are reading this and considering starting trying to get big -- dude, I ask you, please just give it a try. Some guys, really it is genuinely not for them? And you know what they do? They simply decide to stop, it's that easy. And others are so fucking grateful 5 years later as they feel all the awesome mass they worked to bestow upon themselves. Get huge bro.