#and comparing all the silences she spent with Jesse as her partner that were so comfortable to this Decidedly Uncomfortable One™

[rai-knightshade]

Not me going back through my Mentions and realizing I never reblogged this with a new sentence from my one main WIP like I meant to 😱😱😱 thanks for the Tag though Dean, sorry I'm late! 😅😅 So to make up for it... Have waaaayyyy more than a sentence cause I want y'all to have Context™.

From Chapter 2 of the Big Damn Jeca Fic:

As the silence stretches on, it feels.... Awkward. It's an honest-to-god Awkward Silence™. And you hate it.

(...)

(...there were some days when just sitting with Jesse in complete silence was the most comfortable you'd felt all day. Somewhere along the way, you just... Assumed it would always be that way, and you forgot how awkward silence could be. But now Jesse's a stranger (he was always strange, but never a stranger), because it's been two and a half years, and you don't know how to break this suffocating silence because you don't know Jesse, even as a friend, and you just-- It sucks. And you hate it.)

And now, for some no-pressure tagging of my own: @lizartgurl @wanderingnightingale @samblerambles @umbreonwolfy and anyone else currently writing literally anything! Consider yourself tagged!

Last Sentence Tag Game

RULES: Post the last sentence you wrote (fanfic / original / anything) and tag as many people as there are words in the sentence.

Thanks to @missflufffanfics for tagging me!

This is for a Gale x Gwen (Single Mom!Tav) one shot I'm chipping away at.

"Honestly, the amount of running he had grown accustomed to since the crash would have been frightful even a month before."

Tagging: @kittttycakes, @leighsartworks216, @any59, @can-of-pringles, @interwebseriesfan24, @auroramagpie, @jo-harrington, and anyone else who wants to join in.

[electrictoes]

When It Hits

For @dailysvu’s Sonny Carisi Week

Day 5:  “Are you okay? Relationship: Amanda Rollins  / Sonny Carisi​

Read on AO3

It had started out like any other Tuesday did these days. 

6am wake up; Amanda’s hair in his face; rolling over to silence his alarm just as Frannie started barking from the living room. Amanda’s lips on his shoulder as she got out of bed; she showered first, got dressed and took Frannie out for her morning walk before the girls were up - the morning routine is a little easier with a second pair of hands. The girls were eating breakfast when she got back and he had a coffee waiting for her. She gave him a kiss that was part thank you, part good morning, and Jesse giggled from behind her cereal bowl.

“And what’s so funny, little Miss Rollins?” he asked, making Jesse giggle harder.

“You kissed Mommy,” Billie said, as though it was the first time. He kissed Amanda again, just for their audience, then pressed exaggerated kisses to the top of each girl’s head before going back to the bedroom to get dressed for the day, the sound of their laughter following him down the hall.

Amanda took Jesse to school while Sonny dropped Billie at daycare; she had clung to his leg when he said goodbye - a phase she’d been going through - the daycare staff were used to this kind of thing, but he still felt guilty as he backed out of the room with her calling to him. He promised he’d see her that night, and he didn’t know then that he wouldn’t.

He sat through a morning meeting with Hadid and a handful of other ADAs, took the new case files she handed him and bit his tongue at the size of his pile compared to some of the others. Hadid caught his look, “It’s nothing you can’t handle, Counsellor.”

Ben Crosby leaned over, holding a file out to him, “This is Detective Rollins’ case,” he said, clearly hoping for an excuse to palm it off now that he’d given up trying to ask Amanda out.

“And I gave it to you, Mr Crosby,” Hadid said, “It’s open and shut.”

Sonny was glad not to be given even more work - it might have been Amanda’s case but he had more than enough on his plate. He’d taken the stairs down to his office, dropped the case files onto his desk and set to work - he had a lot of reading to do before he even got started on trial prep.

He spent the rest of the morning tied to his desk working through the case load, making calls, chasing witness testimonies, and only stopped when his cell phone rang, Amanda Rollins on the caller ID.

“Hey,” he said, dropping his pen to the desk to focus on the conversation, “What’s up?”

“This new case,” she sighed into the phone, “I need to rain check lunch.”

Now that he and Amanda lived together it was less disappointing to miss out on having lunch together than it used to be, but he’d still always rather eat with her than alone, “Okay,” he said, “You gonna eat?”

“I’ll get something later.”

“You won’t,” he argued, “Five years in that squad room together. I’ll bring somethin’ over.”

“You don’t have to,” she said, but he could hear the smile on her face through the phone. He could also hear Kat in the background; he couldn't make out her words but he doubted it was anything complimentary.

“I will,” he said, “I’m goin’ to the deli. And text me Kat’s order - Fin’s too if he wants anythin’.”

“See you soon,” she said. He returned the sentiment, believing it at the time.

Sonny walked from his office out to a deli a block away from the courthouse, one he and Amanda had started going to years ago, back when they were still partners in the professional sense. It was a familiar walk, cutting through side streets, and he didn’t need to pay attention to the route; he was answering emails from his phone, hoping to extend his lunch break little when the car hit him.

It happened so quickly he didn’t know what was happening until he’d already hit the ground, pain searing through him as he landed face down on the sidewalk.

He heard the car backing away and saw it drive off down the street as though nothing had happened - he heard approaching footsteps, someone saying, “Are you okay?”, and he tried to push himself upwards but his arms felt weak, the rest of his body heavy, and he dropped back down. His phone had fallen from his hand when the impact had happened, and he could see it lying a few feet away, out of reach. He heard a second voice say they’d dial 911 and he gave up trying to move; his head had hit the ground with a dull thud and his thoughts were beginning to swim, his vision darkening.

He blinked back into consciousness with an EMT kneeling over him, asking his name, but his thoughts were all out of order, he was trying to piece together what had happened. “I didn’t get the plate,” he said, then groaned at the pain forming on his lower right side.

“Don’t worry about that now,” the EMT said, trying to get him to look at her, “You’re okay. What’s your name?”

“Sonny,” he bit out through gritted teeth, “I need to call-”

“We’ll call your next of kin when we get you to the hospital. We’re gonna move you now Sonny, and it’s going to hurt.”

He wanted to protest - he knew there were other things to think about - the car, the driver - he was on the sidewalk, the driver didn’t stop. It couldn’t have been an accident. He needed to remember. Had he seen the driver? He wasn’t even sure what kind of car it had been. The ache in his ribs worsened every time he opened his mouth, and he was in no position to raise any viable objections as the EMTs gently rolled him over and carried him into the back of the ambulance; his leg searing with pain with every movement. He raised his head enough to look down and almost passed out again at the sight of bone poking through his skin.

“You’re okay,” the EMT said again as he dropped his head back down. In the back of the ambulance, his stomach churning, his thoughts whirring, and his head throbbing he couldn’t focus - the lights overhead blurred in and out and he closed his eyes against the harsh fluorescence. “I’m just going to give you some pain relief, Sonny, okay?” the EMT said; he wasn’t sure if he responded, but after a moment he felt a needle in his arm, and he let himself drift away again.

The next time he awoke he was in a sterile, white hospital room, monitors beeping beside him and, much to his surprise, Hadid standing at his bedside looking out of place and like she’d rather be just about anywhere else. He glanced just beyond her out of the window; the sky was darkening - he didn’t know how long he’d been out but it must have been several hours. Sienna would have picked Billie and Jesse up by now; he was supposed to be home with them. He shifted, pushing himself upright and biting back a jolt of pain in his side. His leg was heavy as he tried to move it and he looked down to see it was weighed down with a cast from just below his knee all the way to his toes.

“Are you okay?” Hadid asked, breaking him from his thoughts.

“What are you doin’ here?” he asked, then corrected himself, “I mean-”

Hadid held up a hand, shaking her head, “They got your ID badge from your jacket, called the office.”

Sonny frowned; that didn’t answer his question, and Hadid must have realised that because she continued, “I spoke to Captain Benson and she’s going to let Detective Rollins know as soon as she gets back to the city. I’m sure she’s already on her way.”

“You didn’t have to stay,” Sonny said, caught extremely off guard by his boss hovering next to his hospital bed.

“It didn’t seem fair to let you wake up alone. And your HR file doesn’t have any family contacts in it.”

“Yeah,” he shrugged, “No sense in worryin’ them if somethin’ happens.”

“Like this?” Hadid said, “It was a hit and run; the police are going to want to speak to you.”

He nodded, “I know. It- I don’t think it was an accident.”

“It does seem like you were targeted,” Hadid said, crossing her arms across her chest - Sonny thought he saw something like guilt in her eyes; it was a strange experience, this humanising of Vanessa Hadid. She was his boss; if a case she'd given him was the reason he’d ended up here she probably felt responsible.

“It’s not your fault,” he said, “Could be anythin’. An old case, something from organised crime even. And I’m okay.”

“I’ll tell the doctors you're awake,” Hadid said, “I’ll let you rest. I’m not expecting to see you in work for a while,” she told him; she gave a brief nod and then left the room.

Minutes later he was distracted from his thoughts by the appearance of the doctor - she explained his injuries to him - compound fracture to his right tibia, four broken ribs, and a concussion from smacking into the concrete head first. “You’re a lucky man,” she said with a smile.

“Oh, I feel it,” Sonny said jokingly - and then he meant it, because he heard Amanda’s voice out in the hall asking for him - fraught with worry and impatience, and he realised - not for the first time - just how lucky he was. The doctor turned her head towards the door.

“Someone special?”

He nodded, “Yeah. Can I-”

“I’ll let her in.”

Even with her face lined with worry, her hair thrown up haphazardly and the weight of a long day on her shoulders, Amanda was still a sight for his sore eyes - he held a hand out towards her as she came into the room and she was by his side in an instant, gripping tightly to his hand, her other reaching up to his face, thumb tracing the bruising across his cheek.

“Dominick,” she whispered it like she was grateful she got to, “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” he assured her, “I’m not lookin’ my best but-”

She shook her head, laughing even as tears formed in her eyes and she pressed her lips to his, “What happened? I was worried when you didn’t show up for lunch, and then we had to go out to New Jersey and-”

“Hey,” he placed his left hand on top of hers on his cheek, “It’s okay. I’m gonna be just fine.”

Amanda nodded, pulling away and sitting in the empty chair beside his bed, furiously swiping at the tears under her eyes - a futile endeavour as more began to fall, “So, what happened?”

It was two days before they let him out of the hospital - two days of lying in that bed feeling sorry for himself; bored out of his mind because Hadid wouldn’t even send him work he could do remotely. He spoke with detectives assigned to his case - two old school cops, inches from retirement with little to no interest in what he had to say until they realised this was probably connected to an SVU case they could bounce right back. No threats had been made, no one else had been hurt. Amanda, Fin and Kat had trawled through his pending case log, trying to see who might want to knock him out of action, but nothing stood out. They’d have to play a longer game on this one - and he’d have to keep his eyes off of his new phone - his old one all but destroyed flying several feet down the sidewalk and landing with a crash that put a deep crack right through the photo of Amanda and Billie he had set as his lock screen - as he moved around the city.

He wasn’t worried about being targeted again - firstly because he was probably going to be stuck indoors for the next couple of weeks - or at least not venturing out alone - and secondly because he knew it was only a matter of time before SVU found out who was responsible.

Amanda picked him up from the hospital on Thursday afternoon, and walked patiently alongside him as he tried to master his new crutches; she only made one invalid joke, and it was a good one so he let it slide.

When they got back to her apartment building he was more grateful than he’d ever been that her building had an elevator. And grateful that almost all of his belongings had migrated over here, too, because his building’s elevator had been about to be installed since before he’d moved in two years ago.

A chorus of delight greeted him when he followed Amanda into the apartment - a Jesse-made banner hanging behind the couch, balloons bouncing around the room - their friends making themselves at home amongst his and Amanda’s things, and in the middle of it all two very excited little girls who came running towards him, only to be stopped in their tracks by their godmother before they knocked him completely off balance. He gave Liv a thankful smile before he looked down at the two of them.

Billie stepped towards him, curling her arms around his uninjured leg and gripping tightly to the fabric of his pants. “Stay now,” she said firmly, and he reached down to stroke her hair, leaning awkwardly on one crutch - Amanda was by his side, balancing him out like she always did - a little more literally this time.

Jesse stood beside Liv, her eyes wide as she looked at the cast on his leg, her voice catching as she whispered, “Are you okay?

He would’ve crouched down to her height if he could have, but he settled for giving her a warm smile, “I am now,” he said, “Did you make me that banner?”

She nodded shyly, still not approaching him, and Amanda reached out an arm to her, “How about we help Uncle Sonny over to the couch and you can sit with him?” she suggested, and Jesse nodded, still biting her lip.

With a little help extracting Billie from his leg - Kat risking the wrath of a two-year-old who’d missed her godfather to lift her into the air - he managed to make it over to the couch, propping the crutches up against the side as he sunk back into the cushions, relieved to be home at last.

Things wouldn’t be back to normal for a while - he’d be stuck in the cast for six weeks, trying to negotiate with Hadid over when he could get back into the courtroom - the case would be investigated, they’d find out who hit him, and why - he’d prosecute them, or someone else would. Then they could get on with life - and maybe the doctor was right about just how lucky he was - even with his leg propped up on Amanda’s coffee table while Billie screamed in his ear and Jesse curled sadly into his side - it was worth it to see Amanda watching on with so much fondness he would’ve kissed the smile right off her face if he could get across the room.

[maydaygirl-save-our-ships]

Lake’s New Normal (A Fanfic)

Summary:

After Lake escapes the train, she’s invited to live with the Cosay family. But after escaping the mirror world, traveling through a supernatural train, and fighting for her life, is she really able to live like a normal teenager?

She’s not sure, but she’s willing to fight every day to make this life her new normal.

AO3 Link

Chapter 4: Nightmares

Lake found herself standing in a familiar hallway. To her left was a family photo hanging on the wall. In the picture, Jesse and Nate were standing in front of their parents. Mr. Cosay’s arm was around his wife’s shoulders, his other hand resting on Jesse’s shoulder as they posed in front of the Disneyland sign. 

Lake wondered what she was doing out here in the hallway. She remembered going to sleep in the guest room last night, and now she was standing in the hallway as morning light seeped in through the window. Had she sleep walked out of her room? 

The air around Lake felt unusually cold compared to the temperature in the Cosay’s house last night. Perhaps someone left a window open? Lake didn’t mind the cold, but it was uncomfortably familiar, even though she couldn’t quite place why.

Movement caught Lake’s attention as Jesse’s bedroom door opened and he stumbled sleepily out of his room. He didn’t seem to notice her as he turned down the hallway, away from her.

Lake moved to follow him. She had only taken a few steps before her face smacked hard into an invisible force. 

She stumbled backwards in confusion. Slowly, she reached out a hand, her palm resting on an invisible wall. 

No… She shook her head. No… this can’t be happening!  

She pressed harder against the wall, pushing against it with all of her weight, but it didn’t move.

No, I can’t be here! I escaped! 

“Jesse!” she shouted as loud as she could. She pounded her fists against the translucent barrier, which she suddenly recognized as the mirror in Jesse’s hallway. Jesse didn’t make any indication that he had heard her. She watched as Nate came up the stairs and Jesse stopped to talk with him.

“Did you miss me, Sliver?”

No…

Lake turned as fast as she could, but she was too late. Sieve launched himself at her, his hand gripping firmly around her neck, pressing her backwards against the mirror. He glowered down at her, a look of pure hatred in his eyes.

“H-How...” Lake barely managed as he struggled desperately against his grip, using all of her strength to try and pull his hand away. “How are you alive? You were-”

“Killed?” Sieve finished for her. “By you?”

“No, I didn’t-”

He pressed her harder against the mirror. Had she been human, her neck would have snapped. 

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t know what would’ve happened,” he snarled. “You knew exactly what that deer would do. You killed me, just like you killed Mace.”

“I-I had no choice!” She clawed against his hand, trying to pull each individual finger off her neck, but he was as solid as stone. 

“Didn’t have a choice? You could have continued to be a reflection. You could’ve accepted what you are. Instead, you killed Mace. You killed my partner!”

“Please, let me go!” She kicked his legs, but not even her strongest kicks seemed to phase him.

He sneered down at her. “Why? So you can live in the prime world? Do you really think you deserve to be there? You? You’re not even a person, and even if you were…  even if you were more than just a worthless Sliver, you wouldn’t be a good person. You’re selfish, cowardly and a murderer.” Sieve looked over her shoulder at Jesse. “You don’t deserve that Prime’s affection.” He looked back down at her, his eye’s narrowing. “You don’t deserve to live.”

The sound of his sander reached her ears and Lake let out a sob. She couldn’t do anything. She could barely move, she couldn’t fight. 

“You’re done running, Sliver. You’re done pretending to be something you’re not. You’re done existing.” He lifted the sander above her head.

“No!” She screamed, struggled frantically. “Jesse!” 

He plunged the sander towards her face and she closed her eyes-

Lake bolted upright and gasped for air. 

She scanned the darkened room for any sign of the Flecs. The light from the window illuminated the mirror on the back of the door, reflecting her terrified face. Fear gripped her chest as Lake dove for cover. 

She landed with a loud thump on the floor next to her bed. The blankets, which had tangled themselves around her limbs, fell along with her into a heap on the floor. 

Breathing raggedly, Lake buried her face in the carpet, trying to gain her bearings. Sieve’s words echoed in her mind, and she tried to push them out with her own mantra.

I’m safe, I’m safe, I’m out, I’m a person… I’m a person… 

But she didn’t feel safe, curled up on the floor all alone. She felt incomplete, broken, like a cracked reflection unable to represent the full picture. She didn’t feel like a person.

And for a moment, as she sat sobbing alone in a strange room, she worried that maybe Sieve had been right.

Jesse was startled awake by the sound of a heavy thump. His first thought had been of Lake. The noise had come from the room next to him, which was Lake’s room, and there were only a few objects heavy enough in his house to make a noise like that.

Instantly awake, Jesse threw off his covers, dashed to her room, and twisted open the door handle. 

Fear constricted Jesse’s chest when he saw Lake’s bed was empty. He waited a moment, his own heart beating loudly in his ears, and then he heard a soft noise coming from the floor next to the far window.

“Lake?” He rounded the bed to see Lake on the ground curled up in a small ball with blankets tangled all around her. Her body shook with broken sobs. “Lake!” 

He fell on his knees beside her, barely able to think straight. Was she hurt? Was she okay? 

“Lake, it’s me,” he said, reaching out to touch her shoulder cold. “What happened? Are you okay?”

When Jesse’s hand timidly touched her shoulder, Lake froze, her muffled sobs subsiding. 

“Jesse?” Lake asked in the smallest voice he had ever heard from her.

“Yes, it’s me. It’s okay, I got you.”

Lake struggled with her blankets, which were tightly wrapped around her arms and legs. Jesse helped her get her arms free, and when she turned to face him, she lunged towards him, wrapping her arms around his middle in a tight hug. Her weight knocked him backwards and he barely managed to stay sitting upright. 

“Whoa, Lake!” Her hug was almost crushing his ribs, and Jesse only now realized how much she normally held back when she hugged him. 

Jesse wrapped his arms around her as she buried her face into his chest. He could feel her shaking in his arms as tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

He had seen her face down the Flecs and terrifying creatures from the train, but he had never seen her like this. It scared him. 

Jesse helplessly began rubbing circled on her back, unsure of how else to comfort her. 

How could he even begin to comfort the strongest, most fearless girl he knew?

“It’s okay,” he promised her in a low voice. “It’s okay, you’re here. You’re safe. You’re off the train, you're safe.” The words came tumbling out of his mouth before he could think about them. But somehow, he knew they were the right thing to say.

After a few minutes of holding her and rubbing her back, Lake’s crying began to subsided. Her body still shook in his arms, which worried him, but her breathing was starting to return to normal.

Lake leaned away from him and wiped the tears from her eyes.

“S-sorry” Lake apologized, her voice horse, and her eyes downcast. “That was so stupid.”

“It wasn’t stupid,” Jesse denied. “Are you okay?”

Lake shook her head, still refusing to look at him. “It was just a dream. I should have realized, but it was so realistic... Then I woke up and saw myself in the mirror and I...”

Lake trailed off as she glanced over to look at the large mirror hanging on the door. 

“This is so dumb,” she said with a scowl. “I’m off the train, I shouldn’t be afraid of reflective surfaces anymore. What’s wrong with me?”

“Hey.” He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You spent months avoiding reflective surfaces, and this is your first night off the train. Give yourself a break. You can’t expect to adjust to it all at once.”

Lake sighed. “I know, I know, you’re right.” She leaned into him slightly and Jesse quickly picked up on the non-verbal cue that she wanted another hug. He wrapped his arms around her once again and rested his head on top of hers. 

“I’m sorry I broke down like that,” Lake’s apology was muffled into his shirt. “I probably freaked you out. I have no idea what happened. I’ve had bad dreams before, but I’ve never reacted like that.”

“It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re okay now.” 

And she did seem okay. At the very least, her shaking seemed to have finally stopped.

After a long moment of sitting in silence together, Lake pulled herself out of his arms, looking exhausted and more than a little embarrassed. When Jesse first met her, Lake wasn’t a physically affectionate person, and it had taken a while for her to become comfortable taking his hand and accepting his hugs. However, despite how close they had become, Jesse had never seen her cling to him like that. It worried him, almost as much as it seemed to have embarrassed her. 

“Sorry I woke you up,” she muttered as she slowly got to her feet. She sat on the edge of her bed, still not looking him in the eyes. 

“It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re okay.” Jesse got to his feet as well, but sensed that she needed her space, so he walked towards the mirror hanging on the door. “Maybe we can do something about that mirror.” Jesse opened the bedroom door and walked into the hallway. 

“You don’t have to,” he heard Lake protest behind him. “Really, it’s fine. It just surprised me.”

Jesse found what he was looking for in the hallway closet and brought it back into Lake’s room. He unfolded the dark blue blanket. It was a sheet for another bed set that they weren’t currently using. He tucked the top of the blanket over the mirror and let it hang over the rest, completely covering it. 

“There,” he said. “Now the mirror won't surprise you if you happen to have another nightmare.”

“Thanks…” Lake said in an unusually small voice. “That actually helps.”

Jesse smiled, but he had no idea what he should do next. He wanted to stay up all night with her, making sure she was okay, and be there to wake her up if she had any more nightmares. However, from the way she was blushing, he could tell that if he suggested that, he would only embarrass her more. 

“I think I’ll be okay now,” Lake said. “I’ll try and get some rest with whatever dignity I have left.” 

“If it makes you feel better, when I first got on the train I had really bad nightmares,” Jesse said. “I had these dreams that I would keep getting lost and would never get back home.”

“Really?” Lake asked, finally looking him in the eyes again. “I don’t remember you having any nightmares.”

Jesse chuckled and scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, that’s because as soon as I started traveling with you... I don’t know… I guess I just started to feel better, and the nightmares stopped. Even though you weren’t my friend in the beginning, just having you with me really helped.”

“It does make me feel better that I’m not the only one,” Lake admitted. “Thanks, Jesse.”

Jesse smiled and placed a hand on the door handle. “No problem. If you need me or have any more nightmares, I’m right next door, okay?” 

“Hopefully this is the end of both our nightmares,” Lake said. “I’m ready to leave the train behind us once and for all.”

Jesse agreed, but when he closed Lake’s bedroom door, he couldn’t ignore the heavy pit settling in his stomach. Lake wanted to forget everything and make a new path as quickly as possible, but Jesse had the impression that it wouldn’t be so easy to leave the past behind.

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I hope you guys like this chapter. I had a difficult time with writing this one and getting the nightmare the way I wanted it, but I felt like it was really important to explore Lake's nightmare and the fears she is struggling with. I feel like it's well-established fanon that Lake had nightmares, so I feel like I would have been missing something vital if I didn't include it in this fic (and it also fits in with the rest of the narrative I'm creating for her). I hope you all like it even though it was difficult for me to write. Let me know what you think of this chapter!

Support me on my Ko-fi if you would like (link on my blog)