#and comforts me so much <3 christmas break soon so ill be here more too

[taegularities]

i fell asleep in the middle of answering an ask and like.. i think that's my cue to go to bed :')

[showrunnerihardlyknowher]

26 for the prompts? perhaps w the cat n mouse lads :3 (also look danny i did it i sent a prompt are u proud)

I...actually don't remember what the prompt was for this one, but I'm 87% sure it was "I'm not that scary, am I?"

So fine since y'all keep asking for 'em, here's more of the cat and mouse bois. Shoutout to @gabbydafurry and an anon for finally giving them names.

--

“C’mon.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“I said no.”

“I’ll make pollo asado for dinner, we can eat it together while we watch!”

Aaron sighed and rubbed his hands against his forehead, trying to ease the dull throb that had yet to wane over the past two days. His headache certainly wasn’t being helped by the constant badgering of his...roommate, for a lack of better words (as well as being a title so eagerly self bestowed by the cat in question) but much like many of their other interactions, his resolve was starting to wear thin. Usually, he was able to hold his ground for at least a week until he was bribed into giving the other some type of social interaction with the promise of his favorite foods. Today, however, the poor mouse just wanted a moment’s peace free from knocking on the walls or calling through the cracks until he answered, and if that meant watching some stupid movie then fine.

Plus, Lucas did know how to make some incredible Mexican food.

“...fine,” Aaron conceded after a pause, the pressure behind his eyes giving him a sharp pang before fading to its usual ache, almost like his own body was projecting how horrible of an idea this was.

As soon as the mouse slipped out from behind the curio, he came face to face with the massive grin of the cat mere inches away from the opening. Seeing the grin only split wider when he was fully in view of the other normally would have instinctively sent a shiver up his spine, it was kind of difficult to be intimidated seeing how Lucas had strangely contorted his body to lay on the floor between the curio and the bookcase. Most cats seemed to be fairly flexible, so it probably wasn’t too uncomfortable for him to be so bent and curled up, but he definitely lost some of that hunter’s prowess with his back twisted sideways and one leg leaning against the shelving.

In a flash, Lucas had managed to untangle his strange positioning to instead be crouched on his knees, now looming over Aaron in a way he wasn’t sure he would ever get used to. He flinched back when his hand started to reach out towards him, fully intending to scoop him up to dizzying heights without a second thought, but the appendage stopped just short of touching him at all. Instead, he dropped his hand palm side up and waited, smiling all the while. At least he was getting better at remembering Aaron’s explicit request to not be grabbed without permission, though he did always apologize with a sheepish look and some little treat whenever he forgot.

Once Aaron climbed onto the awaiting hand that radiated a delightfully intense warmth into his already aching muscles, Lucas was already jumping up a chattering a mile a minute about how much the mouse was going to love the movie he picked out, how dinner would be ready soon, how he wasn’t expecting him to actually agree to watch a scary movie with him since he never seemed like the type who would be into that sort of thing but--

“It’s a scary movie?” Aaron interrupted, the noise finally registering beyond the headache. Truthfully, he tuned a lot of what the other said out for almost every conversation, not that it ever seemed to make a difference. Yeah, sorry, I’m a bit of a chatterbox, he admitted once, but it’s less weird talking to someone who doesn’t respond than to talk to yourself, right?

Debatable.

Lucas tilted his head and snorted. “Uh, yeah? That was one of the first things I told you about. You know that one actress who’s in almost every one of those Christmas movies we watch, who’s always the jealous best friend?” Aaron has no idea who he was referring to given that he never absorbed anything from those stupid romance movies he was boarderline forced to watch, but nodded anyways, “Right, this is supposed to be her big break out role, or something. It’s the first thing she’s doing as a lead actress, and you know, good for her! I’m glad she’s getting out of that typecast she’s been in forever. Horror probably wouldn’t be my first choice for her, but I guess since she has those singing vocals it could carry over to being a scream queen. Kind of like when--”

And Aaron was out of the conversation again.

Lucas continued to drone on about the actress’s entire film career, or at least that’s what the mouse was assuming he was doing when he occasionally zoned back in to pick up a stray word here and there. The headache he had been staving off to the best of his ability was starting to come back with twice as much force as it often did in the later days. He probably could have just asked the other for some aspirin, maybe even some cold medicine as that was no doubt what this bout of illness was turning into, but asking the cat for anything was always out of the question. Of course, Lucas tried to sway him numerous times into thinking it most certainly was not and that he could always ask for whatever he needed, never to his avail. Aaron was indeed willing to prolong his suffering if it meant not having to stomach the dreadful embarrassment that would come to being indebted to the feline, no matter how insignificant.

Unfortunately, he was only setting himself up for failure in thinking this “agreement” would be providing him any sort of relief. His headache was treading dangerously close into becoming a full fledged migraine and the flashes of light and screams from the television would not be doing him any favors. His only saving grace was that, after he had been settled on the couch and Lucas scampered off to get the dinner he promised, the cat turned off every other light possible to, as he put it, really get them in the spooky mood!

The smell of the food was delicious and nauseating. His stomach both wanted and revolted at the idea of anything filling it, which would only serve to worsen his headache no doubt. Damn it all, he wanted to throttle both himself and this illness, the first for agreeing to watch this stupid movie when he was already feeling under the weather, the second for preventing him from getting his half of the deal. These movie-dinner dates deals were the only reason Aaron continued to stick around, even if he thought the torment of being forced to watch awful romcoms in exchange for a hot, homemade meal was a little unfair. No, that wasn’t entirely true, Lucas was a freaking culinary genius as far as the mouse was aware. It was a wonder why he wasn’t majoring in a cooking field.

“I’m not hungry right now,” Aaron lied when Lucas had asked why he wasn’t eating. “I’ll try some later.”

The cat looked at him strangely before shrugging. “Alright, just let me know. If you don’t like it, I can always make you something else.” There he goes again, offering things he knows the other can’t accept. At least he could let it slide this time as he had no appetite to think of any other dish.

Lucas finished his own meal in silence, completely fixed on the television as the opening scene carried on, introducing the canine main character that Aaron did, in fact, vaguely recognize. This was fine, he figured, the dark apartment coupled with a painfully slow movie, a warm body moving to curl up behind him as it so often did during these deals, he could probably get a few moments of real rest in before the credits rolled. As much as he loathed to admit it, the cat was actually rather...comfortable to be forcefully cuddled by. He wasn’t like other movie goers that needed to make a comment on every character’s decision, steady breathing and the occasional purr helping the mouse slowly relax.

That relaxation was cut short as soon as the romcom actress tore her tiny avian neighbor to shreds by the end of the first act.

Aaron had hardly been paying attention to the storyline up until this point, something to do with the girl being bitten and experiencing insatiable hunger lately. The sudden carnage of the otherwise trusting little prey creature made both of them flinch in surprise, though Lucas was quick to laugh it off. From then on the mouse’s unwavering attention was glued to the screen, but not by his choice. A chill ran through him each time she claimed another unsuspecting victim, always a prey animal, and ripped them apart with her teeth and nails like a starving animal. The way the tiny’s incredibly realistic viscera was slurped into her bloody mouth made him queasy, all too easily imagining himself in their shoes.

Eventually, her hunger became too strong and she began attacking fellow predator species as well. Ripping into throats and soft bellies was far messier than snacking on a tiny creature in three bites, making her feast all the more gory. While the violence still unsettled him, it was a touch more bearable now that he couldn’t picture his own body being mangled between the teeth of a predator he thought he could trust. Speaking of…

The mouse gulped and risked a glance behind him at the other who had hardly moved, save for a few jolts and snickers whenever a particularly good jump scare managed to startle him. It didn’t go unnoticed that every time Aaron had physically reacted to a sudden screech or attack, the cat would curl just a little bit tighter around him, hiding a laugh behind a rumbling purr. He wanted to believe this was meant to be an act of comfort and not something equally as nefarious as the canine plotting her next kill. Regardless, Lucas was equally transfixed on the movie, except he seemed to be enjoying every minute of the horror aspect. His tail would flick in interest during the high tension scenes, even more so when a chase sequence was underway. It made sense, considering that was his favorite game to make Aaron play.

Whatever the case may be, the mouse couldn’t help but be unnerved tenfold that the other had the audacity to enjoy a fictional movie he was interested in seeing. The last thing the mouse wanted was for Lucas to get any more ideas when it came to chasing him around the apartment, much less awaken any sort of primitive instinct to maim his prize after it had been captured. To this day, it remains a deep seated fear in the back of his mind that every time the cat cupped his hands over him, his teeth would be quick to follow. Natural instincts were hard to shake for a reason when it came to prey animals such as himself, he could only hope the same wasn’t true for predators.

His imagination was running rampant, enough so that he completely missed how the movie ended. Something about a cure, something about being put down, whatever. The only thing on his mind was the morbidly hilarious thought that if Lucas were to go feral like the canine, would he eat him raw or would he cook him up in another fantastic dish?

Aaron jumped when Lucas moved to sit up behind him, only now registering the credits scrolling across the screen. He stretched a bit, the quickly fading warmth that had been surrounding the mouse making him realize just how tight the other must have been snuggled around him. How did he not notice?

“Wow,” Lucas said, pursing his lips. “That...was one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.”

That wasn’t the reaction Aaron had been expecting him to have, but it was certainly better than to hear him go on about how it was a brilliant masterpiece. He got up to flick the lights back on, still laughing as he recounted each poorly written scene and cheesy effects. “I mean, oh my god, right? The mail man saved everyone? Seriously? I actually feel bad for making you watch that, you totally have dibs on the next movie night.”

He turned around to look at the mouse who was still huddled tight on the couch, wide eyes glued to the screen even if it was just names moving along with ominous background music. Lucas gave him another quizzical look, smirking.

“C’mon, even you have to admit those tinies had zero survival instincts. Like, who goes up to a rabid dog and asks for directions? I get suspending my disbelief and all, but they could have made it just a pinch realistic. This is so going to tank her acting career…” The cat shook his head and moved closer to the couch so that he stood right in front of the television, finally drawing the other’s attention to himself. “Hey, you hungry now?”

Oh, absolutely fucking not. An hour and a half of being tensed up gave no relief to his aching muscles and now that the lights were back on, so was his pounding headache. His stomach rolled, the nausea a mix of dizziness and disgust from the special effects. He didn’t even want to think about food, he didn’t want to be out in the open anymore, and he most certainly did not want to spend another minute in the cat’s company right now.

“S-sure…” Aaron finally squeaked out. He just needed Lucas out of the room, distracted somewhere so he could make a break for it. In some instances, he would have just darted off whether the cat saw him or not, but that always resulted in a game of chase that had a 50/50 success rate, the other loving it anyways. All he wanted was some peace and quiet to rest up and heal and not think about how easy it would be for the other to bite off his head whenever he felt like it.

Lucas stood there for a minute, studying him, and just when Aaron genuinely feared he was going to pounce, he flashed an innocent smile. “Cool, just give me a couple minutes to get it heated up.” And with that, he disappeared into the kitchen.

Aaron decided to be bold and waste a few precious seconds of his head start to collect himself. Deep down, he knew he was being ridiculous. Lucas had been nothing but kind to him. Aloof, but still kind all the same. But as a prey animal that spent the better part of his life living in walls and stealing to survive, trust was a risk he simply couldn’t take. There was hardly any benefit to keeping up this con if the end goal was simply to eat him. For all he knew, though, Lucas was nothing more than a merciless sociopath that was willing to milk every ounce of fear he could before chowing down. A sociopath obsessed with romantic comedies and wore an apron when he cooked and had begged Aaron for two months straight to tell him when his birthday was so that he could make him a miniature cake.

...okay, so maybe Lucas wasn’t a sociopath, but that didn’t mean he was trustworthy. Evolution gave him sharpened fangs and agile reflexes for a reason and the mouse was not about to find out what it was like to be on the receiving end of those one day.

With his head as clear as it was going to be for the time being, sans the dull throb behind his eyes, the mouse finally pushed himself up to make his way over to the couch arm. Slowly, as to not overwork his stiff joints, he climbed his way down to the floor and skittered under the couch for a little extra protection. Strangely, he noticed that he didn’t hear any noises coming from the kitchen just up ahead and when he stopped by the doorway, he couldn’t see anyone either. Losing track of the massive cat should not be possible, especially considering this was a one bedroom apartment and there was literally nowhere else for the feline to go without coming back through the entryway. Aaron should have taken it as a blessing, but of course he couldn’t leave well enough alone.

He proceeded to be daring and come out from under the couch completely to peek into the kitchen, confirming it was empty. Again, that shouldn’t even be possible for Lucas to slip out without having to directly pass the living room to go somewhere else. Unless he had, which would mean Aaron missed him somehow. He had been in quite a deep thought process on the couch...but he could have sworn he was only collecting himself for a minute!

The answer became glaringly obvious when the mouse took a few hesitant steps back and turned to retreat under the safety of the couch, only to come face to face with Lucas. He damn near jumped out of his skin, slamming his back against the wall in an effort to gain another inch of distance between himself and the face taking up his entire view. Really, this was nothing too out of the ordinary for the cat, he loved to sneak up and pounce whenever the opportunity presented itself and Aaron wasn’t too obviously close to heart failure. What made his heart stutter, however, was the fact that Lucas didn’t look like...well, Lucas. There was no smile, no warm eyes, no words being talked a mile a minute about nothing.

No, there was just a frowning cat with his ears pinned back and pupils slit, stalking closer with a terrifying rumble in his throat.

Instinct overtook him as soon as he saw the other’s lip twitch, trying to dart under the couch for safety and having his path immediately blocked by a hand being slammed down, claw out. Aaron couldn’t even yelp, the bile in his throat threatening to turn into vomit if he idled around too long. So, he didn’t. Instead, he turned on his heel and scampered in the opposite direction with the cat hot on his trail. He very nearly dodged a swipe, Lucas hissing that his blow didn’t land while Aaron only tried to speed up his sprinting. They circled maybe half of the living room, the mouse weaving under furniture while the cat knocked into them in an effort to jarr his prey into taking a misstep.

It worked, unfortunately, when Aaron took a sharp turn at the bookshelf and caused Lucas to clip it with his shoulder. The small bump did nothing to deter the cat on his hunt, but the two books that came tumbling down were enough to make the smaller skid and trip to avoid being squashed under the novels. He ended up twisting his ankle awkwardly, stumbling flat on his face while the momentum of his running made him roll twice until he landed on his back. Despite being winded and the additional pain in his leg, he knew there was no time to waste, trying to pull himself. It was too late, though. The cat was already on top of him, hand coming down to pin him under his palm while only his head poked free from between his fingers.

That cold, terrifying face came nearer, eyes tunnel visioned on its prize. Oh God, Aaron would give anything to have the other Lucas back right now. He’d watch a thousand sappy movies, do a date night for every meal, actually move into his bedroom like the cat had suggested he do a dozen times. He wanted...fuck, he wanted his friend back. What he thought was his friend, anyways. Not this killer, not this predator who was baring his teeth and was now mere inches away from biting off his face and--

The growling above him broke off into a snort shortly before turning into a full blown laugh. Aaron wasn’t sure when he had closed his eyes in preparation for his certain death, but when he dared to open them and blinked away the budding tears, he saw that smile he had been wishing for again. Kind and warm, just like eyes, and it was like Lucas had never even taken the form of a starving hunter in his life. Like he hadn’t been moments away from devouring his beloved roommate.

“Oh, come on,” he howled with laughter, “You can’t be serious! That movie actually scared you? I mean, I thought you looked a little freaked out by it, but wow!”

The movie...so this...this wasn’t real. Lucas was just pretending, just playing a prank on him. He thought that the movie had simply wound him up and made him jumpier than usual, no different than watching a zombie flick and popping out from behind a bush at your friend later on.

Except it was different. It was different in the fact that zombies aren't real, but predators are. Predators didn’t need an excuse to go feral and maim and consume their tiny cohabitants, they simply could by the laws of nature. And yes, it may be illegal and have several laws in place to protect prey species, but if no body was ever left behind, who could say if foul play was involved? That was the whole plot point in the otherwise dull movie they sat through together, the reason why the woman was able to avoid suspicion of her sickness by feeding on tinies that could only be reported missing at most.

Lucas’s laughter had tapered off, still clearly enjoying himself. “Alright, note to self, no more horror movies.” Finally, he released Aaron from under his hand to sit back on his haunches. “Man, I really didn’t think you would scare that easily, especially from a B-movie like that. Anyways, are you actually ready to eat now? I put your stuff in the oven so it would reheat better, but it should be done by now….Ronnie?”

Aaron hadn’t moved an inch since he was originally pinned, not even after the hand had been lifted off of him. He just stared up blankly at the cat, trembling and wide eyed, unable to do anything as the rapid succession of events sunk in. The cat’s humor died down a little, smile hesitating.

“Hey, look, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist, you know?” He shrugged a little sheepishly. “You didn’t even notice when I came back so I thought...I don’t know, it was funnier in my head. I almost broke character and started laughing before you ran!” With still no verbal response, Lucas reached out a hand. “Aaron? You good? Come on, I’m not that scary, am I?”

The reaction he got probably wasn’t what he was hoping for with Aaron suddenly scrambling to push himself away from the outstretched hand that might trap and tear apart his limbs. He gave a sharp squeak, managing to find his footing only to come crashing down as soon as he took the first step, his ankle noticeably swollen by this point. His cry of pain was muffled into a desperate grunt, trying so hard to drag himself away as a last ditch effort to avoid the same fate as the bird and the squirrel and the mole in the movie.

Lucas gasped. “Oh, Ronnie, your leg!” Both hands were reaching for the mouse now, aiming to cup around him and scoop him up before they surely put him out of his misery. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I didn’t...oh my God, I hurt you.”

Yes and no. In truth, Aaron had been the one to hurt himself by making his body move in ways it physically shouldn’t. But that didn’t change the fact that Lucas had shown his true colors. Perhaps in hindsight, that wasn’t a fair assessment, as he really did think he was playing a harmless little joke on a skittish friend. The pain came from knowing that the cat could turn feral, though, no matter how genuine he was being. There was still clearly an instinct within him, one that knew how to hunt and bare his teeth and hiss, one that knew deep down where they both ranked on the food chain. It hurt in knowing everything he thought about his friend, everything that kept him from really letting down his walls like the other so desperately wanted, was right. Cats and mice were not friends.

“Get away from me!” Aaron shrieked when the hands came too close. Though they withdrew quickly, he didn’t bother to watch if they would move again as he forced himself up to stumble back to his nook behind the bookshelf.

“Aaron, wait!” It was a fruitless request and Lucas knew it as he didn’t even try to stop the mouse from disappearing behind the furniture back into the walls. It would only make matters so much worse. “Aaron, please, you’re hurt, just...at least let me help you. Please. I...I’m so sorry! It was an accident, I promise!”

The cat shuffled closer, leaning down in hopes that the other could at least hear his pleas better, could hear how sincere he was trying to be. “I would never hurt you, Aaron. You’re one of my best friends. Look, it was a stupid prank and I’m an asshole and I’ll never do it again, just please come out. Just let me know if you’re alright?”

It didn’t matter how hard or for how long he tried, Aaron was long gone within the walls.

[writingwithacupoftea]

Comfort Blanket

Summary: It is up to Tommy and Y/N Shelby to keep the family together after their Mother’s death. They discover along the way that sometimes a comfort blanket is an object and other times it’s a feeling...

Word Count: 1891

Prompt: “There’s no place for us to sleep at night.” (part of @smallheathgangsters​ 1k followers party 💜)

A/N: This ended up being way more festive than I anticipated but, hey ho, it’s less than 3 month til Christmas now! I’ve also definitely taken some liberties with the whole pre-series story and ages and stuff but oh well. I’ve wanted to write a piece based on the blanket in this gif for a while now, so this prompt just worked perfectly for it! 

Congratulations again, Leah, on the 1k milestone - it’s so well deserved, and here's to 1k more 🥳 I hope you and everyone else enjoys my little contribution to the celebration ❤️

(gif by @nofckingfighting​)

The Shelby clan had never known darker times than the months following their mother's death.

Their father was more absent than ever before. Arthur Shelby Junior was still hopelessly trailing around after him. John had fled to Martha's house, seeking comfort in her arms. Ada was distraught, and everyone had given up trying to guess what her next move would be, for entering her teenage years had made her even more unpredictable than ever anyway. Between looking after Finn and working as much as her brother would allow, Polly was permanently exhausted.

Tommy felt like he was drowning alongside his mother, burdened with the responsibility of trying to look after his family as best he could whilst grieving.

That left Y/N. Born just a year after Tommy, she was the one he turned to when he needed a break. Whether it was to cry and mourn the loss of his beloved mother, or taking charge when all Tommy wanted to do was sleep after a long day's work, Y/N was always there. She picked up the pieces for all of her siblings, and was the oil that kept the cogs of the machine turning.

One night, Tommy and Y/N found themselves alone in the parlour, relishing in the moments of quiet that had fallen after the rest of the family had gone to bed. It was at these times that the pair confided in each other, whether it was their own news or that of their siblings.

Tonight, so far, they had sat in silence. But Y/N knew that Tommy would tell her something soon, and also knew that Tommy would be able to sense that she had something to tell him. It was all a matter of who would speak first.

"I don't know what to do, Y/N/N." Tommy had taken the leap this time.

"Don't know what to do about what?" Her brother's confession had surprised Y/N: Tommy always had a plan for everything.

"I'm doing everything I can to provide for us all and it's still not enough, even though I've taken every fucking job I can find. The lock on the door is still broken from when Dad came home drunk the other night, and the window next to Finn's nursery hasn't been mended yet from when John accidentally smashed it with his ball. Polly's had to take all of the spare blankets for him so that he doesn't get sick. We can't afford to buy any more. There's no place for us to sleep at night. Not somewhere that's safe and warm, anyway."

Y/N sighed. "First of all, Tom, and this is important, so you'd better fucking pay attention to me." Y/N was pleased to see that he let out a slight laugh at that. "You're doing an amazing job at all of this. We're all so grateful for everything you're doing, even if I'm the only one that will actually say it out loud. We couldn't ask any more of you, Tommy.

"Secondly, I may be able to help you – now, don't get mad!" Y/N added this last part hurriedly, having seen Tommy's eyebrows quickly shoot up. Taking a deep breath, Y/N broke the news. "Harry has given me a job...as a barmaid in the Garrison."

"What?!" Tommy jumped out of his seat, looking down at Y/N in disbelief. "Are you out of your mind? If you think I'm going to let you work there with all those drunk idiots every night, then you'd better think again."

"If you think you can tell me what I can and can't do, then you'd fucking better think again, Thomas," Y/N retorted, as her brother began to pace up and down the room. "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm an adult now and can make my own decisions. Anyway, I've worked everything out and I have a plan to put to you."

Tommy sat down again, not taking his eyes off his younger sister.  

"You're working yourself into the ground, Tommy, and quite frankly we can't afford for you to be ill, so you need to get some more rest." The man in question opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off immediately by Y/N. "I want you to give up a couple of your jobs – some of them only pay a pittance, whilst my wage alone would cover that and a little more. I want you to put more time and energy into building up our Dad's business. I've got this feeling that it could become so much more, and you're the one that will make it happen, Tommy, I just know it!"

The second eldest Shelby brother sighed, his head falling heavily into his hands. He had to admit, Y/N's plan sounded incredibly tempting. But still, doubts invaded his thoughts, namely his concerns over his sister working in the Garrison of all places and the question of what if it all failed? What if they ended up in a worse position than they were in now?  

With two words from Y/N, however, he was convinced: "Trust me."

"Fine. We'll give it a go on one condition – if any of those fuckers at the pub ever, and I mean ever, give you any bother whatsoever, you tell me straight away. Alright?"

Y/N smiled softly at her brother, pleased with the outcome of their conversation. "Alright," she whispered in agreement, reaching over to grab his hand.

"Thank you, Y/N." Tommy's voice broke through the silence, his sincerity as clear as day.

"We're going to be alright, Tom. One day, we won't have to worry about everyone being safe and warm in their beds. It might take some time, but we'll get there eventually."

Tommy nodded, almost imperceptibly, before slowly getting up to make his way to his own bed, only stopping to place a gentle kiss to his sister's forehead.

All they could do now was pray that Y/N would be right once again.

***

About a year later, their prayers were beginning to be answered.

Business at the betting shop was flourishing, and the Shelby's were gaining more respect by the day. It was all illegal, of course, but all that mattered to Tommy and Y/N was that enough money was rolling in to look after the family.

As Christmas drew nearer, their house was beginning to feel more like a home again for the first time since their mother passed. Fires roared in the hearth at night, they had finally been able to make the repairs that the house so desperately needed, and the family seemed to be happy.  

The future looked brighter for the Shelby clan, and it was a sight that Y/N was overjoyed to have before her. Her plan had worked, the dark circles beneath Tommy's eyes were melting away and her Christmas present for him was finally ready.

Despite Tommy's arguments that she didn't need to stay on at the Garrison anymore, Y/N had decided to keep her job there. Surprisingly, she'd discovered that she was rather good at bar work and had been immensely satisfied when her brothers had entered the pub on one of their 'check-ups' on her to witness her chucking a couple of drunks out onto the street by the scruffs of their neck. Y/N liked earning her own money, rather than relying on Tommy, and it meant that no questions were asked about how she was spending it.

Most of her wages had gone towards Tommy's present, and Y/N could only hope that he liked it. The closer and closer that it got to the big day, the more Y/N began to doubt it. But she'd put too much work into it to turn back now.

She had decided against leaving it under the tree, not wanting anyone to be ridiculed for it, and instead kept it a secret in her room. So, on the night of the 25th, Y/N padded down the stairs to meet Tommy alone in the parlour.

"I thought you'd be in bed by now." Tommy was smiling up at her from his seat on the sofa.

"You know I'm always too excited at Christmas to get much sleep." Her brother rolled his eyes fondly at Y/N's reminder. "Anyway, I have one more present to give out."

Tommy's brows furrowed in confusion. "But we all opened your presents earlier, Y/N/N?"

"Yes, yes, I know – you don't need to make this any more embarrassing for me than it already is!."

The man in question chuckled, holding his hands up in surrender.

Y/N sat down next to her brother, and handed him the carefully wrapped package. "Happy Christmas, Tommy," she said, gently. As he began to open it, Y/N's nervous rambling automatically began. "Now, if you don't like it, just tell me. I won't be offended! I can find something else to do with it. It's not really your colours, now I think about it, and - "

"Y/N do you want me to open this or not?" Tommy snapped, but his eyes were full of fondness for his younger sister.

"Yes," Y/N replied, meekly.

Tommy pulled away the last of the wrapping to find a thick patchwork blanket, which was clearly handmade. Speechless at the thought and care put into the gift, he asked the only question that was running through his head:  "Why?"

"I wanted to give you something special to say thank you for everything you've done for us since Mum died. Also, I'm not stupid, you know." At Tommy's confused expression, Y/N elaborated. "Nearly every morning before we got the house fixed up, I used to wake up with double the amount of blankets on top of me compared to how many I went to bed with. Your blankets, Tommy, when we barely had enough to share between us all in the first place. So I wanted to make you one myself that is yours and yours alone.

"You said to me once that we had nowhere to sleep at night that was safe and warm, but you created that place for us, for me. I know we've got plenty of blankets in the house now, but I just wanted to try and give you that same feeling of comfort that you gave to me." She stopped talking at that, suddenly aware of how long she had been going on for.

Tommy held the warm fabric in his hands, his thumb tracing the messy stitching which held each patch together, trying to blink away the tears glazing his eyes. "I love it, sweetheart. Thank you."

A relieved smile lit Y/N's face, but it was quickly replaced by a loud yawn. She gently rested her head on Tommy's shoulder as she curled her legs up on the sofa, and he wrapped his arm around her.

"Happy Christmas, Tom," Y/N mumbled sleepily.

"Happy Christmas, Y/N/N," Tommy replied with a smile.

Moments later, Y/N's breathing had evened out and she had fallen into a deep slumber. Tommy's eyes flitted between her sleeping form and the beautiful blanket on his knee.

Maybe he could share his blanket with his sister just one more time...

[theyarebothgunshot]

Damn, Gunshots, you got me.

More hints:

1. The first poem ever posted on Alma's account mentions not only Alma and their partner grow older but also their love (the way I interpret it) so to me it means maturity but also long-term relationship that actually changed over time.

2. In the same poetry we have a mention of scientific funfact and it is a Misha thing to do.

3. Second poem, here I'm on the fence but here's what we find out: Alma visits their partner' place but it could be associated with something else, a partner and this relationship is something more that's happening there.

4. I'm not going to elaborate on "a drawn bow without the arrow" since it could mean so many things, I do the same things a lot, some images happening in my head. But it is interesting.

5. Mentions of distance, and they seem to be far away from each other a lot, around Christmas etc.? Why aren't they together then? Or at least closer?

6. Poem posted on December 30 2018 gives ME a feeling of a change coming and they were to announce their last season soon. Some things will change but they'll still be around.

7. "Just as you'll forget me for another woman" Alma, why are you so sure? Who is she?

8. Poem posted on January 11, 2019 - don't get me started on freckles but also some of the way Alma mentions science?? Gets me.

9. January 13 - something will end

10. January 17 - it just sounds like Misha speaking to us (yeah, I know it's not very valid)

11. January 31 - that one makes me think. Because if we remember the break-up theory and how Misha was doing back then it seems like he was broken but then they came back to each other and now Jenmish would be stronger than ever. It seems the same relationship on the Alma account BUT ìt doesn't have to be tho, I'm switching topics too, sometimes I just remember people.

12. February 3 - we know what's up with the last season.

13. February 18 - nothing valid but it just... I see Jensen Ackles in this. I see.

14. February 20 - what makes Alma so sure the love is ill-fated?

15. April 15 - Gunshots, do you think it could be related to the break-up theory?? Also, again, long-term, changing-over-time relationship.

16. July 27 - "apple tree" *GUNSHOTS* "sunrise" *GUNSHOTS* "your smile" *GUNSHOTS*

17. September 4 - throwback to point 1 - they can't make their relationship public anywhere and it must be extremely hard for a long-term relationship. And there has to be a reason.

18. October 27 - this whole poem SCREAMS Jensen and Misha filming season 15. And their culture.

19. January 3 - something's supposed to end for them but Alma believes it will give THEM the beginning. Also it's extremely comforting.

20. March 26 - goddamn parrot.

21. April 26 - SEVEN WEEKS. STAYING IN A STRANGER ROOM. MOVING OUT OF IT. LOVE IN THE TIME OF COVID-19. SHOOT ME IT WILL HURT LESS.

22. June 24 - is it true the Alma theory started spreading around that time? Because something recently made me believe Mish is still lurking around here (hi Mish, I'm sorry)

23. June 29 - falling and flying, huh?

24. The last one - I'm on the fence with that date but I feel like it's written about one's memory, it's a throwback. "The darkest of my rooms" somebody's been changing them. Also Alma has never been this colourful before so it gives me a hope. Somebody mentioned a stranger's drawing shown on Misha's instagram around New Year's Eve showing similar technique and colours - maybe he got inspired.

25. I feel like Misha followed Alma pretty fast, possibly too fast for Alma to blow up. He's been there since the beginning.

26. Handwriting differences? I feel like handwriting could change sometimes in a small ways; or maybe it's just me my handwriting is really unstable and the way it changes made me think of Misha and Alma. That's how it happens usually.

This could mean many many things and is a very very big tinhatting but for me putting all the things together... seems to make sense. Also Alma sounds like they've been through a lot and I want to hug Alma whoever they are.

Why it makes me nervous? Because Alma has been through a lot and if it's Jenmish... I can imagine it's a hard situation to manage.

Also Alma come back some of us need to know your relationship status

thank you so much for this analysis, anon. i don’t have anything to say to it all, really, except for the fact that you make some valid points. i did notice something through this journey on alma’s ig page, but i am gonna post it seperately because otherwise this post will get too long. 

i personally don’t know when the “alma is misha” theories started, because i’m fairly new. if it was around that time.... then that’s very loud. 

also, im sorry to ask something of you yet again, but im curious as to why you believe misha is still lurking on here? did something happen?

[tlou-1]

Joel Miller x Reader (Home) - Chapter 19

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6| Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13| Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 

Chapter 19 - It’s the night of the winter dance and bonds are beginning to heal

“Do we really need to go this evening?” Joel moaned from the sofa, he had his feet rested upon the coffee table as he lowered his reading glasses to give you a stare. 

“I know, I know. I wish I hadn’t said we would now that you are on patrol tomorrow but we can make a brief appearance” you shift his feet from the coffee table and gesture for him to get up and get ready. He groans and rolls his eyes before making for upstairs to changes, “Thank you” you call to him

“But I ain’t dancing” he calls back. It had become a bit of a tradition to attend the winter dances but between Joel having patrol pretty early and having to put Patrick in the nursery centre for a couple hours, you would much prefer a quiet night. 

You had been searching for Patricks favourite toy, dino the dinosaur that Ellie had gave to him on his birthday. He took it everywhere with him and would refuse to leave the house tonight without it. You had searched all the cupboards, between the sofa, under the sofa. You started pulling things out of your and Joel’s jacket pockets followed by your backpacks. You were in the front pocket of a bag when you felt something cold and metal but it wasn’t in the shape of a gun, curious you pulled it out. “What the fuck?” You exclaimed as you pulled out a grenade. You scream at Joel to get down that stairs, “What’s wrong?” He calls panicked but finds you standing wide eyed with the metal explosive in your hand. 

“What the hell is this doing in our house?” You shout at him, he laughs slightly and scratches the back of his head which makes you even madder. He can see the fury growing in your eyes, “It’s a dud, darlin I found it back at the firefly hospital. It’s just a dud” he says calmly taking it out of your hand and placing it back in the bag. “How do you know it is? Have yous tested it?” You ask with your arms crossed. Joel quickly tries to change the subject and get you out of the house “Come on now we don’t want to be late”. 

The church looked the same as it always did for these sorts of things, a few fairy lights and what ever Christmas decorations could be found lying around, tinsel, paper chains made by the children. Joel stayed true to his word, neither of you were up for dancing and were quite happy to stick to the back of the room, Joel nursing his one drink for the evening. You were still mad at him and had shouted at him to hand that thing into Maria tomorrow. 

“Neither of you going to join in tonight?” Tommy asks pointing towards the floor. You and Joel both look over towards the floor, you both clock Ellie dancing with Dina. She hadn’t spoken to either of you since Patrick’s birthday. Looking at her and Dina you could defiantly sense there was something between them, you could see Ellie always looked at Dina in that way but it was beginning to look like Dina was looking at her in the same way. 

“Not tonight Tommy, you know I have got patrol first thing tomorrow” Joel brushes off his brother.

“Yeah I know cause I am going with you but you don’t see me making excuses” Tommy continued. “I got a few years on you little brother, maybe in time you will appreciate a good nights sleep” Joel dismissed him once again, an involuntary laugh escapes you causing them both to look at you.

“I am so glad my wife finds my ageing state so amusing” Joel teases crossing his arms, you are about to apologise to him when Tommy begins to insist you dance since you wouldn’t be on patrol tomorrow.

“Tommy I’d really rather not” you begin to protest and look too Joel for back up but he lifts his arms up as if he wasn’t going to get involved. You roll your eyes, plant a kiss on his temple before allowing Tommy to pull you onto the dance floor. Thankfully the song is almost over as soon as it began, that’s when you start to hear the commission.

“Just what this town needs, another loud mouthed dyke” you hear a voice yell and Ellie shouting back. You are making your way towards the situation when Joel is already in Seth’s face pushing him out of Ellie’s way.

“Hey! Get the hell out of here” He says sternly putting himself between Ellie, Dina and Seth. It wasn’t often people in Jackson saw this side of Joel these days but god he could have this look on his face that would truly frighten anybody. You are standing at his side when Maria pulls them apart to defuse the situation. 

“What about them?” Seth asks trying to push back towards Joel, “How about you just worry about yourself Seth” you hiss standing firmly. 

Joel eases up as soon as he leaves and turns his attention to Ellie “You all right kiddo?” He asked but before he could barely finish Ellie turns right back to him

“What is wrong with you?” She snaps. Part of you wanted to intervene but your instincts told you it was better not too, you stood behind Joel watching the scene unfold. 

“He had no right-“ Joel begins and again is interrupted.

“And you do?” She asks, everyone is watching at this point and then Ellie says cruelly “I don’t need you fucking help Joel”. The words were sharp, cruel and Joel’s expression made it hard for you to watch anymore of this. Your husband looks around and notices all the eyes on him. 

“Right” says quietly and turns to leave the room. You’re arm tries to brush his as he leaves to comfort him but he just keeps walking. You go to follow him but before you do you turn to Ellie quietly so no one could hear “Jesus was that really needed Ellie? He only wanted to help”. 

“Joel! Slow down” you shout to him, you had been running to try and catch up with him but the snow was slowing you down. He eventually stops to let you catch up but doesn’t turn around. “Hey” you say softly reaching for his hand when you finally reach him, he goes to keep walking but you hold him back and pull at him to try and get him to look down at you. “You going to talk to me cowboy, hmm?” you question in a hushed tone. When Joel turns to look at you, you can see his glazed eyes are sorrowful and the lines around his face look deeper than normal, it was painful to see him like this. You squeeze his hand tightly, “Let’s just pick up Patrick and get home” he sighs and you both beginning walking again.

Joel carries an already sleeping Patrick in his arms all the way home. His son seemed to have calmed him down slightly and being careful not to wake him gave him something to focus on but when you got home and had put Patrick down you both sat outside on the back porch. 

“Joel I don’t know what to say” you sigh as he passes you a mug of hot coffee. 

“What can you say darling? She is never going to forgive me and that’s just it” he shrugs and sips his coffee. He for once just looked defeated by it, he always seemed to just keep going with the flow but for once he seemed to really think this was it for them both. 

“There was no need for her to be so -“ you struggled to finish the sentence, cruel? Harsh? Unfeeling? It felt difficult to say but the looking at Joel’s face in that moment those were the words that sprung to mind. 

“Why don’t you play something?” You ask him and he happily obliges giving his mind and hands something to do. 

There was a creak of wood half way through the song, Joel stopped playing and you both looked to see Ellie making her way across the porch sheepishly. “Hey” Joel says softly as he sets down the guitar. 

“What are yous drinking?” She asks leaning against the railing.

“Coffee” Joel replies. Ellie asks where you could have got it, it’s true it wasn’t the easiest thing to find. 

“Uh, those people that came through last week. A little embarrassed as to what I had to trade to get it but it’s not bad” he explains. You gesture for Joel to go stand with her and you quietly head into the kitchen, they deserved to talk alone but you couldn’t help but listen to the conversation. There was so much quiet in between each time one of them spoke and Joel’s voice so usually confident and assertive had grown quiet, skittish even. You couldn’t deny there were a few times you wanted to go out there and chime in, explain to Ellie her life was more important than her death but you sat in your seat and took another sip of your coffee. 

“If somehow the lord gave me a second chance at that moment I would do it all over again” you heard Joel say his voice more intentional. A long pause followed again, “I don’t know how I could ever forgive you for that… but I would like to try” Ellie says. You hear Joel’s breathing in and out through his nose and he swallows back his emotion “I’d like that”. His voice breaks as says goodbye to her. A few moments later you hear the back door open and close and he is standing in the door way of the kitchen. You give him a soft smile and put your hands out to him, he sets his mug down and takes them. You press a soft kiss against his knuckles and pull yourself up. You wipe away the few tears on his damp cheek, “Come on, let’s get to bed. You have an early start tomorrow”. You both slept soundly for the first time in a while. 

You awaken to the noice of Joel getting ready for Patrol a few hours later, it seemed wrong to be asking him to go out after only getting a short amount of sleep. 

“Sorry Darin, I didn’t mean to wake you. I was trying to be quiet” he whispered clothing the wardrobe. It made to smile slightly, Joel always tried to be quiet but a man his build, winter boots and old wooden floors were not a good combination. 

“It’s alright. I just wish you could get back into bed” you say snuggling into his side of the bed, it was still warm and smelt like him. He sighed, it was obvious he would rather be in bed too, “Ill be back later, probably 10”. 

“I hate patrols in winter. You be safe out there Joel Miller, hear me?” You say sternly to him, you couldn’t help but remind him every time he went out on patrol without you. 

Joel makes his way to you and sits on the bed “Yes mam, always”, kisses you softy and leaves. You heard the front door close and fall asleep for a couple hours. 

[thesassenachswiftie]

Lover - Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

Read on AO3

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12

Summary: Claire and Jo go Christmas shopping; Claire gets a call at work that Lamb’s in the hospital in Boston where she fears she will need to spend the holidays without Jamie. In short: angst, but make it festive.

" This won't go back to normal, if it ever was It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because 'Cause I have to

Ooh-ah, you'll get better..."

CW: cancer, hospitals, illness of a loved one,

Notes: First of all, if you’re still here, thank you for reading, and thank you for bearing with me as I took a small hiatus. Hopefully I will be getting back to a more regular posting schedule, but work is really draining right now and it’s hard to find enough hours in the day to do everything. 

As you know, each Chapter of this fic is based off a Taylor Swift song by the same name. This one was particularly difficult to write/approach because I actually haven’t listened to this song in over a year. In early Summer 2019, a tumor was found on my grandfather’s brain. This was also the summer I discovered Outlander, and the summer Taylor Swift released Lover. The day after Lover came out, I broke down sobbing in my apartment listening to this song and thinking about my grandfather, knowing his condition was worsening. That night, I recieved the call that my grandfather had passed. He was the kindest, purest soul and I write this chapter in part as a tribute to him. Many of the experiences Claire and Lamb share are based on my own experiences with my grandpa that summer, and this version of Lamb is very much based on my Grandpa Jim. 

That being said, you may want to grab a box of tissues before reading, but hopefully not all your tears will be sad. I’m hoping to post again before Chistmas, but in case I don’t Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays--and Happy Hanukkah to any Jewish readers I may have--here is a Hanukkah present for you!

 Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”  

         “All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuu” the sounds of Mariah Carey rang out throughout the small boutique gift shop in the heart of the village of Northport.

           “Good God, we’re only a week into December and I swear I’ve already heard this song three hundred times. I’m not exaggerating either. Two hundred and eight-four at the very least.” Jo scoffed exasperatedly.

           “Are you complaining?” Claire asked in reply. “It’s a great song--a classic really.”

           “Do you know how many incredible, amazing, beautiful, jolly Christmas songs there are in existence?” Jo was gearing up for one of their famous rants, “Yet, the radio stations only ever play the same eighteen songs, I swear!”

           “It must be more than eighteen.”

           “Fine. Twenty. Take this song for instance: Ingrid Michaelson has the most hauntingly beautiful cover of it--do you ever hear it? No! You only ever hear Mariah!”

           “I, for one, like Mariah!” Claire interjected, playfully defensive.

           “Who doesn’t? But she’s not the only powerhouse female vocalist out there! I’d just like to see a little diversity in my holiday music, is that so much to ask?”

           Claire giggled. Her best friend always had an opinion on everything and she loved them all the more for it. “Do you think Jenny would like this candle?” Claire unscrewed the lid a locally-made jar candle, taking a sniff before placing it under Jo’s nose. It smelled like Lavender and Sage with just a hint of Eucalyptus.

           “Does Jenny keep a lot of candles around, with all those children?” Jo chuckled back. “It does smell nice though.” Jo had only met Jenny a couple times when visiting Claire, but they had a knack for reading people and Claire was glad to have them along as a shopping partner.

           “I suppose candles aren’t really her thing. Jenny seems very practical, but I don’t know what she would need that she doesn’t already have, and Jamie’s been no help!”

           “I think you’re on the right track with the self-care/relaxation vibe, but maybe not something the children can use to burn the house down. What about an artisanal lotion set?” Jo inquired, gesturing at a nearby display.

           “Oh that might work!” Claire took a squirt from the bottle labeled ‘tester’ inhaling deeply as she rubbed it between her palms. “Ooo that’s nice, I would appreciate this if I were a hardworking mother.”

           “If things keep going the way they are with your man, LJ, you might just be before you know it” Jo made a lewd gesture with their hands, raising their eyebrows to make it clear exactly what they were implying.

           “Jo! You’re terrible” Claire shrieked, smacking her friend playfully on the arm. Besides, not much of that happening these days if you haven’t noticed, Jamie is literally across the ocean.”

           “Well, at least you can’t get knocked up from phone sex,” Jo replied. “What are you getting him anyway? I’m thinking something lacy and strappy, with little bows on it of course, to be festive. There’s a place down the street that might have something like that.”

           “Hmm” Claire exhaled. “We’ll see.” Claire knew lingerie was definitely going to be part of Jamie’s Christmas gift, one she would be most excited for him to unwrap. God, she missed him. It had been over a month and they were settling into a routine, video chatting every night, sweet texts back and forth throughout the day, the occasional phone sex when they were both sick with desire for one other--but nothing was the same as the feel of their bodies pressed against each other in the heat of the moment, chasing each other’s climax. Claire couldn’t wait to be reunited with him in every way.

           It was two days before Christmas break, only a few days left until Claire would find freedom for the next ten days and, most of all--the comfort of Jamie’s arms. Claire was sitting in her school nurse’s office, inhaling deeply during the first quiet moments she’d had all week. There was an uptick of student visits in the past couple weeks--a few were legitimate concerns tied to cold and flu season: students whose parents sent them to school when they weren’t quite well enough, overachievers who wanted to maintain their perfect attendance dragging themselves to school despite their bodies protestations. Most of her patients however, were suffering from something much more insidious: the eagerness to start their winter break early by skipping their classes. This time of year the air of the school felt different, students and teachers alike were burnt out, apathetic, and ready for a break. This attitude in the students fed into the teachers’ attitudes--overworked with the end of the marking period, trying to squeeze in Christmas shopping and decorating between grading. Claire did not envy Jo nor any of the other teachers during this time, but their exhaustion was so palpable in the air of the school that she was starting to feel it too. By tomorrow, most teachers would be shutting their doors and playing a holiday film, giving up on instruction all together--hopefully that would make for a quiet day for Claire. Really, if she could just get through the rest of the day it would be smooth sailing until Christmas--until Jamie.

           Her silent musings were broken by the blaring sound of her office phone. She was expecting a teacher, calling to send a student down, but instead it was the school clerk, Glenda. “Hi Nurse Beauchamp, we have an outside call for you, it seems like it may be a personal call so if there’s any students with you we can send someone down to watch them if you’d like to take it privately here in the office.”

           Claire's heart sank to her stomach. What could it be? She took a deep breath and swallowed to brace herself before replying “last student just left.”

           “Alright, I’ll transfer you now.” The click of the call transferring sounded through the phone.

           “Hello, this is Miss Beauchamp”

           “Hello Miss Beauchamp, I’m Tammy, a nurse at Mass General we’re calling because you’re listed as the emergency contact for Quentin Beauchamp” a nasally voice croaked through the phone speaker--the voice was impersonal like that of a cashier saying “have a nice day” for the thousandth time, not fitting of a potential harbinger of death.

           “Yes…” Claire replied, nervously, questioningly.

           “Mr. Lambert was admitted this morning after showing signs of cognitive distress. An initial cat scan shows a mass on his brain. He’s currently undergoing testing to see if it’s cancerous.”

           Claire’s lungs felt like they were about to collapse. Lamb had been diagnosed with prostate cancer several years ago, but had been able to live with it through treatment. Claire also knew that cancer was insidious and could spread throughout the body rapidly and without warning. She knew it was very likely that the mass was cancer. She tried to find her medical professional voice, but a diagnosis was different when it was someone you loved. Instead, she croaked out, “when will you know?”

           “We should have the results by tomorrow. He’ll stay here overnight for monitoring and we’ll decide whether to admit him long term from there.”

           “I’m on Long Island, should I drive up?”

           “I’m afraid it’s too soon to tell, it could be nothing, but--” Claire cut her off, knowing exactly how bad it could be.

           “I understand. I’ll drive up this evening.”

           “Alright, he should be back in his room by then, he’s out getting his tests done now. It’s room 713 when you get here.” Claire wrote the number on a bright blue sticky note on her desk as the nurse spoke. “Have a nice day Ms. Beauchamp”

           “Hmm” was all she could reply, as if she could possibly have a nice day. She hung up the phone, and finally let the deluge of tears she’d been holding back free.

She allowed herself to cry for a few minutes to get it out, but she knew she had to get to Boston as soon as possible. She picked up the phone again and dialed the main office.

“Hi Glenda, it’s Claire. I need to take the rest of the day off--I have to go to Boston, my uncle…” she couldn’t say it out loud for fear of unleashing the tears again “Is Principal Gowan there, I need to let him know.”

“Oh Nurse Beauchamp, I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if you need anything. Mr. Gowan’s in his office, I’ll transfer you to him now, if he doesn’t answer just pack up your things and go, I’ll take care of it”

“Thanks Glenda, I really appreciate it”

----------

           After getting the ok from her kind and understanding principal, Claire rushed back to Jamie’s apartment, hastily packed a bag (likely forgetting several things), informed Jenny where she was going--which was met with sympathy and genuine concern--and hopped back in the car for the journey to Boston. She entered the hospital doors several hours later, the buttons of her coat were tangled in her hair as she rushed, breathless, to the front desk to receive her visitor’s pass.

           When she arrived at Lamb’s room, he was asleep. She didn’t want to wake him, but she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze to let him know she was there before settling into the armchair beside him to await his awakening. He looked so frail and small in the hospital bed, not at all like the strong, spirited man who had raised her. He had left the television on--some sports channel was playing a highlight reel of various golfing moments. No wonder Lamb fell asleep. Claire was staring at the screen, but her thoughts were elsewhere: worried about Lamb, wondering if she’d remember everything when she hastily packed, wondering what the future held. Would she have to spend Christmas in this hospital room? A golf ball soared across the Scottish Highlands on the screen. Jamie. Jamie was coming home Christmas Eve, she was supposed to pick him up from the airport, supposed to spend her holiday break with him, experience her first Hogmanay with the Murray family, be surrounded by love and laughter and family. Lamb was supposed to be fine, he was supposed to take the train down, spend Christmas with them. Every plan they had made was shattered into a million pieces. Would she even be able to see Jamie? She thought about the presents she’d bought for him, not yet wrapped, piled in the closet but definitely not hidden, especially considering it was his apartment. Of course he’d understand--she could tell him where they were, but the magic of unwrapping would be lost, it would feel entirely unsentimental. It was bad enough that she felt her gifts weren’t sentimental enough--what could she possibly get him to show how special he was to her? How could she communicate that with an object? If she were a painter she would paint him a painting, if she were a songwriter she would write him a song, but she was simply Claire, and practical gifts were all she knew. She had purchased a cozy blue sweater to match his eyes and keep him warm in the brisk London winters, a cool multi-tool the size of a credit card that would fit in his wallet and help him solve a variety of problems, a protective case for his phone, and a box of artisanal beef jerky.  She had also procured a complicated piece of lingerie with a big red bow across the chest for him to unwrap the night of Christmas, which she knew he would enjoy. Everything was thoughtful enough and mostly practical, but she longed to be able to give him something truly special--a grand gesture to match her feelings for him. Claire glanced back at her uncle and immediately felt guilty being so selfish. I hate to make this all about me. Lamb always had a knack for helping her realize what was important when life’s situations overwhelmed her. She needed him for perspective, but how could she talk to him about this? How could she tell him how she felt? She knew it was wrong, but she was mad at him for getting sick so close to Christmas. Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there’s no you? The tears were welling up in her eyes as she watched her most beloved uncle sleep--hooked up to machines, pale and listless in the hospital bed.

           Claire slipped into the adjoining bathroom to try to compose herself--she didn’t want her uncle to wake up and see her upset, she knew he would try to comfort her, to be the rock he always had been for her. She was here to be his rock this time, she needed to stay strong for him. She looked at herself in the mirror, telling herself it was going to be ok--her uncle was strong and he’d been fighting a long time--he’d continue to fight. Soon you’ll get better. She had to convince herself it was true, pretend it wasn’t real, it wasn’t so bad. She knew it was a delusion, she could see it all over her glass face when she looked in the mirror. She was genuinely afraid that this could be when she lost him, if not physically right away, he could be lost mentally. She’d been hoping for years he would get better, but now it seemed he’d taken a turn for the worse. She took a few deep breaths and offered up a prayer. She wasn’t usually religious, but they say desperate people find faith, so she decided it was time to try. God? Jesus? Whoever is up there. I know I don’t much deserve anything from you, I’m not sure I’m exactly on good terms with you, but I’m inclined to believe you care and you are good. Besides, I’m not really asking anything for myself, not really. I just pray my Uncle is ok, I pray he gets better. He has to. Please don’t take his brilliant mind away from him. Please let him be ok. Please, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever it takes to help him. Just please, please, don’t take him away from me. I need him. Please let him get better. Please let him get better. Claire continued to repeat the words like a mantra as she returned to her bedside chair. She stared at the collection of orange bottles on the tray table. Please let them help him get better. Please let him get better. Please, please, please let him get better.

           Claire had no idea how long she sat there, repeating those words to herself, but her silent appeal was interrupted when a nurse entered the room to check her uncle’s vitals.

           “Hi, I’m Brenda, I’ll be the nurse on duty tonight.” Brenda erased a name on a small whiteboard in front of the room and replaced it with her own.

           “I’m Claire, I’m his niece.”

           Brenda had made her way over to the other side of the bed and was checking the monitors beside the bed, making notes on the chart in her hand. “I hate waking them up, but I’m going to have to.” Claire was glad that she was much kinder than the nurse she had spoken with on the phone earlier—had that really been earlier? It seemed much longer since that phone call. “Excuse me, Quentin? Sir?” Brenda gently nudged his arm to awaken him. Lamb’s eyes fluttered open and he looked disoriented, Claire watched him carefully hoping that his disorientation was solely from being awoken mid-sleep and not from any neurological damage.

           “Hi Uncle Lamb” Claire stammered, hoping she sounded cheerful anyway.

           “Claire! My girl! You came all the way to see your old uncle!”

           “Of course I did! How are you?” she replied warmly.

           “Oh, I’m fine, they’re taking good care of me here.” Lamb’s voice sounded genuinely content and Claire felt comforted for the first time since the hospital had called her earlier that day.

           “Hello sir, my name’s Brenda, I’ll be your nurse tonight. I just need to ask you a few questions and check your vitals.”

           “What is your name?”

           “Quentin Lambert Beauchamp”

           “Good. When is your birthday?

           “March 23th, 1939”

           “Good, and who is the president?”

           “Well, unfortunately…” both Claire and Brenda giggled at how Lamb began his sentence. Claire was well aware of Lamb’s opinions of the current president of the United States, and was glad to see he hadn’t lost his sly sense of humor or his disdain for the man.  She was also glad he knew who the president was, hopefully his mental capacities were more promising than the worst-case-scenario her mind was conjuring.

----------

           Claire stayed by her uncle’s side for the rest of the night, only leaving the room twice, once to find something to eat from a vending machine, and once for her nightly call to Jamie. She allowed herself to break down when talking to Jamie, sobbing over the phone. Jamie did his best to comfort her through the speaker, desperately wishing he could be there for her in person. Claire wished the same, longing to curl up in his strong embrace, and bury her swollen face in his chest. She couldn’t bring up the fact that she might have to spend Christmas in Boston. She was enough of a mess without facing the reality that they wouldn’t see each other, and when Jamie promised they’d see each other soon at the end of their call, Claire hung up quickly as another wave of emotion overtook her and she buried her face in her hands to cry some more.

           The next morning, the doctor came in with Lamb’s results. Claire grasped Lamb’s hand, unsure of who was holding onto whom for comfort as the doctor explained that the mass on Lamb’s brain was in fact cancerous, but it was still relatively small and had been caught early. He explained that they could operate on it and remove it, however there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t come back or that they’d be able to get it all out. It was moments like these where Claire desperately wished she was already a surgeon, that she could feel in control of the outcome--though could she operate on her own uncle? Would she be able to hold her hand steady enough to do a good job? No, perhaps it was best left to the veteran surgeons in Boston.

           After discussing all the details and options with the doctor’s, Lamb decided to go through with the surgery. It was scheduled for the day after Christmas and Claire resigned herself to the sobering fact that she’d be spending the holidays in the hospital. As the florescent hospital lights lit the room with an unnatural glow, Claire couldn’t tell him she was scared. She had to stay strong, she had to keep it together and remain positive and supportive.

           ----------

           Claire spent the next few days devoted to her uncle, rarely leaving his bedside. Lamb had forced her to spend the nights at his apartment, which was probably for the best. She wasn’t sleeping well to begin with and the recliner at the hospital was only making matters worse. Claire was present and doting on him from morning to night though, helping her uncle order his meals, assisting him when he needed to use the restroom, adding and removing pillows and blankets as needed, or anything else he needed or wanted. Lamb had been moved to the cancer floor, and the window of his new room had a nice view of the Boston skyline. Lamb was making the best of a bad deal, he bragged about his ‘luxury accommodations’, he cracked jokes often, he liked the nicer nurses, he ordered extra dessert with all his meals and was in generally pleasant spirits. Claire could see the cracks in his cognition though. Sometimes he would change the topic he was discussing mid-sentence, and he couldn’t seem to keep time straight. Whenever anyone would mention Christmas, he would act surprised to know that it was coming up, and at one point he hinted at Claire that she might just get those roller skates she wanted for Christmas, a gift she had not asked for since she was eleven years old. He didn’t seem to know what year it was or how old Claire was. He did know who Claire was though, and for that she was thankful. He also knew who the president was whenever the nurses asked, always beginning his answer with a short preamble to make known his disdain.

Before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Claire couldn’t hide the sadness she felt on her face. She was glad to spend the evening with Lamb, but she had been looking forward to her first big family Christmas. She had filled in Jamie about Lamb’s condition and her subsequent stay in Boston over the course of their phone calls that week. She had also describe the Christmas gifts she had purchased for the Murrays, Jo, and Lamb, so Jamie would know the rest were for him. Jamie had agreed to put the Murrays gifts in gift bags and distribute them for her. They were meant to exchange family gifts that evening, the morning being reserved for Santa, and Claire was heartbroken to be missing out. In a matter of hours, and for the first time in two months, her and Jamie would be on the same continent, yet they wouldn’t be able to see each other. There was no way Claire could get into the Christmas spirit under these conditions. The hospital, despite being modestly decorated, was not the most festive atmosphere. Even a troop of Girl Scouts caroling their way through the hospital halls did nothing to assuage the weight of losing everything Claire had been looking forward to for the past two months.

           “What’s a matter, my dear?” Lamb asked, showing genuine concern for his niece.

           “It’s nothing, I’m fine, I promise, I’m just wishing things were different today.”

           “Why today? Is it something special? I can’t seem to remember.”

           “It’s Christmas Eve. You were supposed to come to Long Island and meet Jamie. We were going to spend the holiday with his family.”

           “Yes, I remember, that’s today? Oh dear, I haven’t gotten your gift yet I’m afraid.”

           “That’s fine, Lamb, I’m afraid I left your gift at home, so we’ll have to do that part later. We can take a raincheck on gift exchanging. I was just really looking forward to you getting to know Jamie.”

           “I’m sure I’ll meet the lad soon; he seems really special to you.”

           “He is; I know you’ll like him.”

           “I already do.” He patted the top of her hand and turned his attention back to the sitcom on the television, providing humorous commentary to try to cheer Claire up.

----------

It was late Christmas morning. Uncle Lamb was napping again and Claire had switched the television to the Hallmark Channel--usually her guilty pleasure this season, today it was simply reminding her of how her Christmas was proving to be less than magical. For her there would be no Christmas kisses, no magical snowfall, no saving the small town family business or learning to love Christmas again. All that awaited her this Christmas were fluorescent lights, beeping monitors, and nurses visiting every 6 hours to check her uncle’s vitals. This Christmas would be decidedly the most un-magical she had ever experienced. She had had her share of unconventional Christmases in the past, in fact, she never really was a Christmas person, but it had started to feel special to her when she was living in New York. This Christmas though--this was one she was looking forward to more than ever before. Claire spent most of the morning crying, grieving over all she was missing. She should have spent the morning curled up in Jamie’s arms, watching the children open presents. She could picture the Murray’s living room, trashed with colorful wrapping paper from end to end, each child in their own private world fascinated by their latest favorite toy, Jenny and Ian beaming through tired eyes.

Claire was surprised Jamie hadn’t called her to fill her in on the details yet. He had called yesterday when his plane arrived--groggy and jet-lagged, his communication skills were not the most eloquent, but he tried his best to make her feel better. She hadn’t heard from him at all this morning though, not even a Merry Christmas text. Surely the jet lag would have woken him up as early as the children, and they must have been done opening presents by now. Claire tried to rationalize that Jamie was just spending time with his family, but she couldn’t help feeling hurt and ignored. She thought she was important enough to him that he could take a moment away from his family to at least text her, or to find some way to make her feel included from afar. Had his feelings changed in their months apart? Did coming home to a messy apartment turn him off? Did she find his Christmas gifts and come to think she didn’t care enough to get him something more thoughtful? She thought about calling him, but a mixture of pride and fear kept her from acting first, not to mention she couldn’t stop crying over these sappy Christmas movies.

Suddenly, a voice from the doorway rang through the room, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” Claire looked up in confusion, momentarily unable to comprehend her surroundings and the disruption that had just entered them. Santa? No. The tall figure filling the door frame was dressed like Santa, beard and all, but the unmistakable Scottish burr gave away his true identity. If Claire hadn’t already been crying, she certainly was now. Jamie was standing in the doorway, dressed in a Santa suit, carrying a large, blue IKEA bag overflowing with wrapped presents and what appeared to be Christmas decorations.

“What?” Claire could hardly believe he was there, she rose from the chair and the couple met in the middle of the room for a hearty embrace. Claire buried her face in the soft, fluffy suit covering Jamie’s chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Perhaps the setting wasn’t a snow covered street in a small town, but this was her own Hallmark movie moment--and to be honest, those Hallmark guys had nothing on James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. Jamie held her close, and tight, planting kisses in her curls and whispering softly to her.

“I’m here, mo nighean donn.” He caressed her shoulders with his thumbs, not releasing his embrace in the slightest, breathing in her scent, trying to absorb her fears and pain.

All of the commotion had awoken Uncle Lamb and after witnessing the couples’ embrace for longer than was comfortable, Lamb loudly cleared his throat to remind them of his presence in the room.

“Uncle Lamb!” Claire unfolded herself from Jamie’s embrace, keeping one arm around his back. Jamie sheepishly pulled the fake beard down around his neck to reveal his face and removed his Santa hat, clutching it tightly in the palm that wasn’t holding Claire. “This is Jamie, my Jamie. Jamie, this is my Uncle Lamb.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad it’s not Santa Claus, or we’d have a lot of explaining to do to the lad!” Lamb chuckled back.

“A pleasure to finally meet you, sir.” Jamie reluctantly released Claire from his grasp to step beside the bed, extending a firm but gentle hand to Lamb. “I’m sorry it’s not under better circumstances.”

“Pleased to meet you as well, lad” Lamb replied, patting Jamie’s hand with his before releasing their handshake. “And don’t you worry about me, I have the best nurse there is taking care of me.” Two sets of proudly smiling eyes met Claire across the room.

“Oh I dinna doubt it for a second. Your niece is a rare woman.”

“Glad to see we’re in agreement. Now what’s all that?” Lamb gestured towards the large tote discarded near Claire’s feet.

“Aye, I thought I’d bring you two a bit o’ holiday cheer.” Jamie pulled a large cardboard box from the bag and extracted a small tabletop Christmas tree from it, unfurling each branch carefully and placing it on the countertop across the room, plugging it in to reveal fiber optic lights changing colors dreamily. “I usually insist on my Christmas trees being more, well, alive, but under the circumstances this’ll have tae do.” Jamie and Claire spent the next half hour or so festooning the room in garlands and placing tiny ornaments on the small tree. Claire tried to ignore that more than half of the bag was filled with brightly wrapped gifts, not sure whether she was hoping they were all for her, or hoping that they weren’t. After all, she didn’t have anything to give him and she didn’t know if he had looked through his gifts yet nor if he had appreciated them.

While they decorated, Jamie filled Claire and Lamb in on the events of the last few days. Jamie had called Jenny to tell her not to bother picking him up from the airport. He had planned on renting a car there and driving straight to Boston. Claire could hear Jenny’s voice loud and clear through Jamie’s imitation “ya clotheid! Have ya gone daft? Yer barely able to form coherent sentences amidst the jet lag from yer Christmas Eve flight, and ya wanna drive five hours tae Boston in that state!?! Claire willna appreciate ya ending up in a ditch on the side of the road as a Christmas present ya eejit!” Jenny had made a fair point, and Jamie had agreed to sleep at home and left shortly after he awoke that morning, staying only long enough for the children to open their stockings, and to watch their faces alight with surprise at the sudden appearance of piles of presents under and around the tree.

“I’m glad you took Jenny’s advice, but most of all I’m glad you’re here.” She embraced him again. “You didn’t have to do this though, Jamie, I know how important your family is to you.”

Jamie stepped back and lifted Claire’s chin with his thumb, looking into her eyes. “You are important to me, Sassenach.” he replied, with a sincerity that penetrated Claire’s heart. Claire responded by kissing Jamie chastely on the cheek, knowing her uncle was only four feet away--politely trying to ignore them and watch the television which he had flipped to an all-day marathon of A Christmas Story on repeat. Jamie’s welcome intrusion broke up the monotony of hospital life and seemed to give Lamb a better sense of what day it was.

“Now that we’ve got the place looking good and festive, I believe it’s traditional to exchange gifts on Christmas day.”

“Jamie, it’s too much, I--”

“Oh? Thought they were all for you, didja Sassenach?” he teased. Claire blushed. Of course; she hadn’t really--but who else would they be for? Surely Jamie wouldn’t spoil Lamb, a complete stranger to him, quite so much, and no one else was there. She looked dumbfounded as she tried to come up with a defense but Jamie stopped her. “Dinna fash, Sassenach, Jenny wrapped your gifts for me and Lamb before I could see and I bought them along too. She thanks ya for the wee lotions, by the way.”

“God bless Jenny! That woman is a Saint.” Claire also silently thanked God that she had left the present she was planning on wearing for Jamie that evening in her dresser drawer, that was not a gift she wanted Jenny to see, and was definitely not something she wanted him to be opening in front of her uncle.

The three exchanged gifts, save Lamb, who had nothing to give but smiles and approval for the young couples’ thoughtful gifts. Jamie was genuinely appreciative of Claire’s gifts, although she kept insisting that she hadn’t finished shopping and there was more to come; to which Jamie humbly rejected, claiming it wasn’t necessary. Jamie’s gifts to Claire were thoughtful and meaningful, the most touching ones being a print of a painting of the rose garden he had ordered from the Botanic Garden’s gift shop and a bracelet engraved with the words perennis amor, which caused Claire to tear up and embrace him tenderly in spite of her uncle’s presence.

The three enjoyed the rest of the day thoroughly. A Christmas Story played in the background and they laughed and shared stories with one another. Jamie was a born storyteller and Lamb was elated to have a fresh audience to recount his many adventures to, so conversation flowed naturally between them, with Claire occasionally interjecting. Claire mostly just sat back and admired the two men who were most important to her, filled with joy that they were getting along, that Jamie was there, that it was Christmas. For the first time in several days she had hope and peace. She was surrounded by love in that hospital room as well. She had all the things Christmas was said to bring, and for that she was grateful. Jamie had made her greatest Christmas wishes come true without her even asking and she felt lucky to be alive.

The hospital staff served their version of Christmas dinner for the small family, and while Claire was sure it paled in comparison to whatever Jenny had made, it was quite delicious, especially considering it was hospital food. Jamie ate in the armchair next to Lamb at Claire’s insistence, since the two were deep in conversation, and Claire sat in the chair on the other side of Jamie, taking in her magical Christmas scene, better than any Hallmark movie could depict.

After dinner, Jamie was fading fast, listening to one of Lamb’s stories with heavy eyes.  She took one of the spare blankets and covered Jamie. “Looks like you’re still not over your jet lag”

“Hrmmphh, I ‘spose not.”

“Do you want me to go get you a coffee? I doubt the cafe downstairs is open today, but there’s a cappuccino vending machine a few floors down that isn’t terrible.”

“Aye Sassenach, that’d be bonny. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“None at all, my love, I’ll be back soon.” Claire squeezed his hand before leaving the two men alone.

Jamie listened to her footsteps down the hall, and waited until he heard the ding of the elevator before he cleared his throat to speak frankly to Lamb. He sat up straight in the chair to ward off the sleepiness, having a few important things he wanted to say before Claire came back.

“Lamb, I need you to know, Claire is the most important person in my life. I love her sae much and I’d do anything for her.”

“I’m glad to hear that, I can see how happy you make her. She lights up when you’re around, it comforts my old heart to see.”

“I need you tae know, I’m very serious about her. I ken we haven’t been together that long, but I know--I know deep in my wame that I’m meant tae be hers. I want ya to know that I intend on spending the rest of my life making her happy, and while I havna bought a ring or ennathing yet, I wanted to ask yer blessing” Jamie paused for a moment before adding, “just in case.”

“Of course you have my blessing, son. I couldn’t be more glad to know that Claire will be so well cared for after I’m gone, truly.” Both men looked somber, knowing full well that this could be their last conversation, hoping dearly that it wasn’t. Claire returned with three cappuccinos in hand, surprised by the mood in the room.

“Everything alright, gentlemen? Don’t tell me Ralphie shot his eye out!”

“Och! Everything’s fine, Claire! I’m just tired is all, I’m sure this wee cappuccino will cure me in no time!” replied Jamie, eagerly taking a cup from Claire as she set another on Lamb’s tray table. The rest of the evening was quiet as Jamie took a nap, while Lamb and Claire watched A Christmas Story more intently then they had all day. Claire didn’t want to leave him alone so early on Christmas so she let Jamie nap until Lamb was asleep soundly for the night. The sense of joy she had felt all day was still present, but the nagging worry she felt about Lamb’s coming surgery was starting to settle in as well. Claire woke Jamie gently and Claire whispered softly to Lamb that they’d return in the morning, squeezing his hand before the couple quietly left the room.

----------

They walked out to Jamie’s car, since he still had his stuff packed in it, but Claire drove them back to Lamb’s apartment where she’d been staying. The cappuccino was helping Jamie stay coherent, but he was in no state to drive. They were quiet on the drive home, but kept their hands locked between the seats, grateful just to be in the presence of one another.

When they arrived at Lamb’s apartment, Jamie was so tired, he didn’t even want to brush his teeth, let alone do any of his usual nightly routines. However, he had spent the morning sweating in a polyester Santa suit over his clothes, and although he took it off shortly after his surprise arrival, he felt in need of a shower. Claire showed him where the bathroom was and made sure he had everything he needed, and got herself ready for bed.

Jamie showered quickly, not bothering to wash his hair, and only cleaning the parts of his body where any stench would be most concentrated, figuring the water would take care of the rest. A few minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, ready to collapse into bed, but not before embracing his sorcha. He scooped her into his embrace and she buried her face in his bare, firm chest, warm from the shower. He smelled clean, and fresh and most of like Jamie. “I’m so happy you’re with me, Jamie. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re here.” the emotions of the day hit her again and her voice caught at the end of her sentence as tears filled her eyes once again. Jamie kissed her forehead softly, down to her nose, and landed on her lips, giving her the firm, passionate kiss they’d both been longing for all day--and for months before that.

“Mo cridhe.” Jamie breathed when they separated. “I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll no’ leave you alone when ya need me.”

“Oh Jamie” Claire was still crying, “I’ve been so worried. I’ve been trying to stay strong for Lamb, but I feel like this won’t go back to normal--if there ever was a normal with him. I’m scared he’s going to get worse, or--” her sentence dissolved into a fit of sobs, which she tried to stifle on Jamie’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to stay strong when you’re with me. I’ll be here to help you shoulder the burden. I’ll be here to soak up your tears. There’s two of us now, Claire.” He pressed a kiss into her curls. “You can feel your feelings now, mo cridhe. Lay your cares on me. Come now, let’s get ya tae bed. I’m no’ sure how much longer I can stand myself.”

Claire fell asleep wrapped safely in Jamie’s embrace, free to be herself fully. Free to be vulnerable she felt safe, she felt loved, she felt comfortable, and most new to her--she felt she had the hope and strength that she could carry on, no matter what was to come. She slept better than she had in weeks, secure in the embrace of her eternal love.

End Notes: Thanks again for reading!! By the way, the Ingrid Michaelson song Jo mentions is hauntingly beautiful and you should listen to it. Also, I hope you liked Jamie's surprise. This was going to be a lot more angsty of a chapter but Jamie refused to let Claire suffer and had other plans. I know this was full of a lot of emotional ups and downs, and hopefully we can all find some comfort in the fact that just because Christmas/the holidays may look different for a lot of us this year, it can still be special, and there's still light, joy, love, hope, and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness.

[macorni]

Talk To Me

  Ship: Moceit

Date I wrote this: 12/10/20 (December 10th, 2020.)   

  Mini-Fic                                TW: Arguing, crying, self-harm in a way, unhealthy coping, and swearing. Just Janus Angst.                                                janus angst

Word Count: 2023 

Janus felt as if the world was ending, his best and only friend broke up with him (meaning they're no longer friends) after a misuse of words during an argument, Janus covered his mouth and laid on his bed to soften any cries and to be at least comfortable The argument was silly and useless, Janus recently gotten back from another discussion with the Light Sides and Remus was there waiting for him, "You might as well be another Virgil." Remus told him, Janus raised a brow, "What is that supposed to mean?" Remus rolled his eyes, "It means you're going to friend them and leave me alone, even if you say you're not leaving, as Virgil once said, 'I will not leave.' But we all now know that was a lie. So, are you gonna leave as well?" Janus was taken back by that statement.

"What? That is prosperous! No I will not." Janus gritted through his teeth, he hated to be compared to that emo. He felt a bit of himself die when Remus said, "You're a liar, how am I supposed to know, Deceit?" Now, Remus knows Janus's name, so it hurt to be called 'Deceit' when he's not Deceit, he is Janus. He didn't want to be only seen as Deceit, just how Remus didn't want to be seen as only 'Intrusive Thoughts' but he kept his mouth shut about that statement, "I don't lie all the time, you should know that, but again, you're a monster, not logical." Janus felt the words slip through his mouth. It sounded so sour and harsh but in such a careless tone. It sounded like nothing at all. Remus's breath fastened, and Janus slapped his hand over his mouth afterwards, it was a very loud silence, "Remus, I- Uh- I-" Janus stuttered but Remus interrupted, "No no, if that's how you feel then so be it." Remus snapped, going to his brother, leaving Janus alone.

That leaves Janus here, in present, sobbing on his bed. He didn't mean any harm but he speaks too fast, and words cloud his mind like air pollution and the words fall out like a waterfall. He shouldn't be crying, he didn't get hurt, Remus did. This was so fucking selfish and stupid. He gasped for breath but it seemed as if his lungs gave up on him, eyes watering and burning. He can't lose his one and only best friend, no, not again. He can't lose anyone else- first "O"(Orange Side who left to god who knows where when they were teens), then Virgil, and now Remus? Not to mention Roman will definitely tell everyone else and everyone will hate him more.

Janus shuttered at the thought. He can't handle emotions well, he tries to hide the bad ones, but he rarely laughs at anything at all anymore. He watched an 15 minute vine compilation and laughed- more of a soft huff- three times. Janus has breakdowns pretty often but he doesn't tell anymore or wants anyone to know, so when he does, he takes the anger and confusion out on himself, example being: He hits him, sometimes the head, or stomach, or the legs. He holds his breath until he is about to pass out. He scratches at the covered scales. He also rips up old photos, to the point where he makes 2x copies of the same picture because he will rip it eventually.

He decided to head to the library in the mindscape, or the light mindscape. The dark sides don't have much, which includes a library which Janus hates. He waited until he was presentable, tidied up his outfit, and then started to venture to the library. He'll definitely see Logan. Janus walked into the library and sure enough, blue boy was there reading a book about philosophy during the Ancient times and up to the 1980's. Estimated 500 pages from the looks of the thick dark green book with golden text on it saying, "Philosophy Throughout The Ancients to 1980's." with a smaller text with the author.

Janus disregarded the man, Logan and him we're on neutral terms, though Logan found it frustrating when Janus would deceive the others as him, and Janus found it frustrating when Logan would constantly lie about how he felt. Logan noticed the yellow side wandering by him, "Salutations, Janus." Logan greeted and Janus gave him an awkward wave, "Hi." Janus walked to a Psychology area and grabbed the books labeled, "Understanding Emotions." "Opening up." "Life Advice." and "How to deal and help with mental illnesses."  Janus sat down at a small table, 3 tables away from Logan, and began to read the first book, "Understanding Emotions."

Janus read for about an hour before Roman and Patton entered to hangout with Logan. Roman's face twisted in disappointment when he saw Janus sitting down, Patton smiled, he didn't mind the snake after the previous Sanders Sides episode, not counting the Asides. "Salutations, Roman and Patton." Logan told the two, waving. "Hi Logan!"  Patton smiled widely and Roman responded with a simple yo. The 3 we're relatively loud but Janus liked some noise then none. Silence was sometimes so violent, it drove Janus insane, being left alone in your thoughts. Patton decided to talk to Janus, and made his way to the other side, sitting down across from him.

"Hi Janus!" Patton smiled, "Hello Patton, do you need anything?" Janus asked, not many people willingly talked to him. Most hated him, including himself. "Nah, I just wanted to chat. We never chat outside of discussions, I want to know you better." Patton explained, Janus was taken back from his kindness, even if he didn't sense it, he convinced himself it was a lie, "Oh okay, I'm not very interesting, just a fair warning." Janus smirked, Patton giggled a little, "Everyone has some sort of interesting piece of them." Janus shrugged,  "I'm kind of ordinary. Besides appearance wise." Janus continued to read, "Whatcha reading?" Patton tried to read it upside down, and failed miserably, "A book about understanding emotions better." Janus told him, "Ooooh! Neat!" Patton moved next to him, leaning over and reading along.

"You should read funner books." Patton suggested, which triggered Logan's grammar sense, "Patton, 'Funner' is not a word, it is pronounced 'More fun.'" Logan said loud enough for him to hear, which caused Janus to chuckle, "Sorryyy!" Patton said fast, "I would but I don't feel like it has a educational benefit for the next crisis." Janus said honestly, "For someone who was people to self care and do what they want- if it's not dangerous- you really don't take your own advice, do you?" Patton explained, Janus paused, "W-Well that is because I don't feel as if I need it. I need to be doing my work and learning more. I gotta help Thomas, ya know." Janus found the right words to say. "You don't feel as if you need it?" Patton said, more quietly, Janus nodded. "I actually have a question, could you help me?" Patton asked, "Uh sure." Janus shrugged, looking away from the tan pages to the freckled boy, "Could you help me choose what gift I should get Remus for Christmas?" Patton whispered, not wanting Roman to hear, Janus nodded.

The two went to Patton's room, "So, Remus would most definitely hate a more colorful makeup pallet- since he does a lot of Special Effects Makeup." Janus suggested, "Ohh, thank you!" Patton smiled, writing that down. Janus got up to leave but Patton grabbed his arm which in response, Janus flinched and pulled away a bit, "Uh, yeah?" Janus asked, "Can we talk?" Patton asked, Janus sat down, nodding. "Have you actually been taking care of yourself?" Patton asked, Janus hesitated, "Uh, of course." He lied, "Janus, I saw your books. Are you okay?" Patton asked, as if he actually cared, which was way to absurd and unrealistic in Janus's mind. The words stung, does he actually want to know? Janus has so many questions, "Hey, I won't tell anyone anything, talk to me." Patton grabbed Janus's hands in a soft manner, smiling. Janus felt tears prick, "You don't really care, do you?" Janus asked, forcing the tears back down, "Pitying me?" Janus assumed. The light blue side shook his head, "No, I really do care," Patton started and Janus looked away but Patton took one of his hands and turned his face turns him and cupped his cheek in the same hand, "just talk to me, I'll listen." he finished.

Janus felt a single tear stroll down his face, nobody ever wanted to listen, he know he shouldn't but he does anyways, "Emotions confuse me. I don't know how to help them or react. Whenever something bad happens, I get obviously sad, and I began to cry too much or too little. And when I don't know what to do, I break down. I don't know how to.. stop breaking down. I always end up hurting myself or breaking some valuable. You're probably annoyed now, I'll shu-" Patton shushed him, "No no, rant to me, I like the sound, I like your voice." he smiled, lovingly, which made Janus confused on why he cared, "If you insist.. I can't talk to anymore or be my own self because I am too scared of being even less likeable, and if I open up too much it'll scare people away, make them uncomfy, or I'll be too much and they leave me. I-I just feel so lost and I do no good, even when I try. Maybe me leaving all together would help everyone, including Thomas. Having no denial or deceit may be good, but the bad of having absolutely no self preservation could do. I feel like him on auto-pilot now." Janus couldn't stop talking but Patton didn't mind.

"Sometimes, I feel like I'd be better dead. I mean, in the long run I'd be helpful if I just went awa-" Janus got cut off by a bone- crushing hug from Patton, "Just lay down, okay?" Patton suggested and Janus did, he laid down on the bed and Patton laid down too, the two facing each other. Patton wrapped his arms around Janus's waist and pulled him closer, and Janus wrapped his arms around Patton's neck, Janus's head resting in the crook of the others neck. "..See, just stay like this.. You'll feel better soon."

Janus felt the tears just pour from his eyes, he sobbed onto Patton knowing he'll never feel this type of love again. Patton rubbed circles into his back, Janus was so vulnerable, anything could just hurt him right now, a shaking, sobbing mess. Patton never knew Janus held in so much, he didn't know one of the 2nd most serious side held so much pain within, he knows that Logan is going through it too. "P-P-Please don't t-tell anyone about t-this.." Janus said in between sobs, gripping onto Patton and his shirt, "I wont ever tell anyone, promise." Patton said softly. They stayed like this for at least 15 minutes, then Janus stopped crying, he was just shaking.

"We can stay like this for awhile.." Patton told him, noticing the boy still shaking, "S-Sure." Janus repositioned himself so he was laying on his right side and Patton cupped him, rubbing his chest. "Cute." Patton told him, "Uh-huh, ssssssso cute." Janus lightheartedly said and rolling his eyes in a playful manner, and hissed, Patton giggled at this hiss. Janus took off his hat and threw it onto Patton's desk chair. "Thank you ssssso much, Patton." Janus smiled.

"No problem."

- Minific by m.acorni

[anogete]

In Between

Hi, folks.  I’m sorry I have nothing to offer as far as fic goes.  Things have been... ::sigh::  You know, I don’t know what things have been.  Not good, not bad.  Just... things.  I wanted to talk--get things out of my head--this morning, but I realized I don’t have a person/outlet who can accept these things right now.  So, I will put them here for anyone who cares to read them.

1) My car blew up.  Well, the engine did.  I was on my way back home with groceries last Saturday, and I lost all ability to accelerate and brake.  So, I puttered out on the side of the road and waited to be saved.  The issue may be covered under the warranty so I had it taken to the dealership.  They’ve had it for a week and still don’t have answers for me besides an offer to lend me a car for free until they can figure out what to do with my car.

2) This deserves it’s own point, though I almost included it on the first point.  I’ve never bought a car without my grandmother.  She was under five feet tall and had a tendency to wear sweat pants and Christmas sweaters year-round.  She smoked Winston Lights and carried a purse covered in rhinestones.  The car salesmen didn’t know what hit them because she wasn’t at all the sweet old lady who would roll over and accept their first offer.  She was hard to read and she wouldn’t give an inch.  She also wouldn’t tell them what she was willing to pay.  No counter offers from her; she’d just tell you to “do better.”  Anyway, she worked her magic when I bought all three of my cars.  When I realized the problem with the engine was serious and might require me getting a new car, I went into a mental tailspin.  Yeah, yeah, I was worried about fitting it into my budget and all that, but mostly I couldn’t seem to cope with buying a car on my own without my grandma there to hold my hand.  I’m almost 39 years old and the thought of doing this without her had me sobbing in the floor.  Except, I didn’t realize my tailspin was due to my grandmother at first.  At first, I just thought I was incapable of handling stress.  Maybe that’s still accurate.

3) While we’re talking about expensive-ass shit, I knew the air conditioner and furnace on this house needed to be replaced sooner rather than later when I bought it last February.  It looks like the time has come.  I managed to find a nice man with very odd hair (think a longer version of the Prince Valiant hair-do, but bright white) through my boyfriend’s dad.  He does this for a living and said he’d give me a discount and do for $5,000 what other places were telling me would cost $9,000.  So, that’s happening next week.  I have the money, but the idea of writing a $5,000 check makes me want to puke.  Ugh.

4) The days are running together.  I’m working from home.  I can’t complain, though.  I’ve got it better than most.  I’m alone all day.  I have a library with a desk.  I can go downstairs and make tea or lunch in my own kitchen.  I’m getting paid my full salary with bonuses.  I can pretty much make my own hours.  The company I work for is taking the pandemic seriously and has told us that we can all work from home until we feel comfortable returning to the office.  Their timeline for “normal” is months.  I don’t think I’ll be back in the office until late summer, if that.  Those who want to return are permitted to, but they can’t use the public areas (kitchen, conference rooms) and have to abide by some strict safety requirements.  And they can choose when and how often they go into the office, working the remainder of the time at home.  So, better than most.

5) I’ve been doing this social distancing thing since March 19th.  It’s not difficult for me.  On good days I’ll exercise (I have a Peloton) before logging into work around 9am.  On not-good days (which seem to be more often than not), I’ll skip the exercise and just log into work early.  Work keeps me busy and I spend a decent amount of my day on the phone with clients.  I go to the grocery store once a week, but I order for pickup.  Someone else does the shopping for me and loads it into my trunk.  This is nothing new.  I’ve been shopping that way for years.  Now it’s just harder to get my usual pickup slot because everyone else has joined the party.  I do miss taking a break from work and leaving my office to grab a coffee and sit outside on a bench downtown.  I guess I could do that outside my own house, but it just doesn’t feel the same.

6) A few months ago, a husband and wife who are clients came in to meet with me at my office.  They’re in their 80s and both were having trouble walking.  They parked in the garage next door and couldn’t find the elevator to exit.  I walked over and escorted them to our office building.  They were both struggling with walking and the wife (Rose) had been fighting lung cancer for a couple years, so I suggested they wait outside and I’d valet their car once we were done.  The thought of making the trek to their car alone was painful to me because it was a monumental struggle for them to walk down a hallway.  Their daughter-in-law called me two days ago.  Rose passed away two weeks ago.  The husband, a former literature professor for a university, was in the hospital with four broken ribs because he’d fallen shortly after Rose’s passing.  He was a Jewish child in Nazi Germany during the war.  He’d told me stories about hiding from the Nazis, surviving off of tree bark and whatever he could find in the forests.  He also jokingly told me that he’d live until he was 120.  Now, it looks like he won’t survive the year.  He and Rose would tease each other all the time, but you could see all that love between them. Whenever I’d call him, he’d ask me in that wonderful accent to wait while he got “the boss” on the phone as well.  Rose thought it was silly that she was “the boss,” but she humored him.  You know, they’re shorties, too.  Five foot, nothing.  Just like my grandma.  Hearing that Rose was gone and Dr. (he’s a PhD) was likely soon to follow just broke my already fragile heart.

7) Fragile heart, huh?  Yeah.  After the car situation and the realization that one day I’m going to have to do big life things without having my grandma to help me, I was feeling pretty raw.  But I’ve been trying to be responsible and do things I’ve been putting off lately.  So, I gathered up all those medical bills from Ferguson’s illness last September.  (Ferguson was my soulmate little chihuahua mix that I had for over 13 years.)  I had pet insurance on him and hadn’t bothered to make the claim because I couldn’t handle it.  But it’s been almost a year so I pulled out the invoices, which were over $2,000, and logged into the website and starting inputting the info to file the claims.  The little box asks for a description of why I took him to the vet.  And answering that question just brought back all that shit like a wave.  I remember reading this nice description of grief and how it is like waves.  At first they’re big and they knock you around and you can’t breathe.  But over time they get smaller and you learn how to navigate them.  Still there, but manageable.  Filling in that box resulted in a bit of a tidal wave that knocked me on my ass.  My boyfriend came home to find me sobbing at my desk like a lunatic..  He’s... not so good with emotional shit.  And I usually keep it bottled up so that no one knows what’s going on inside me.  But some days...  Some days it just overflows.  So, after confirming that nothing terrible had occurred and that I was reliving September 2019, he slowly backed out of the room to leave me with my grief-wave.

8) I want to be one of those succulent people.  You know, the ones who have succulents lining their windowsills.  The dining room and kitchen windows are full of this oddball little plants.  The boyfriend hates it, but I told him he’d have to deal.  I’ll die on this hill.  I’m a succulent lady.

9) I’ve been reading memoirs or, rather, memoirs through collections of essays.  I don’t know if it’s the mental state I’m in or if social distancing has got me subconsciously reaching out for life beyond my head, but I can’t seem to read much else.  I loved Liz Phair’s Horror Stories.  I’m reading The Book of Help by Megan Griswold right now.  I’m determined to procure a signed copy of What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Blacker by Damon Young.  He did a virtual event for a local bookseller recently and they have signed copies available for purchase.  I just need to muster up the will to call them and ask them to hold one for me.  The little snippets of their life and experiences via these memoirs through essays bring me some measure of comfort.

10) I tried to watch Euphoria on HBO.  I managed to make it through the first episode, but I don’t think I can watch more.  I can’t relate, but that normally isn’t a necessity for an enjoyable story.  Maybe it’s just too depressing for me right now.

11) I binged Dollface on Hulu and wish I had more to watch.  Parts of it hit me hard.  I’ve always had trouble maintaining friendships, period.  But maintaining friendships while in a relationship has been damn near impossible for me.  Just like Jules.  Except, I’m not nearly as cool or gorgeous as Kat Dennings.  And I have no friends in this city to go back to.  Just friends at work. 

12) I haven’t worn makeup for 2 solid months.  I’m starting to miss it.  I found old selfies I’d taken in which I don’t recognize myself.  Did I ever look like that?  I must have since here is photographic evidence.  I look like shit now.  I’m forever in yoga pants and a hoodie with half-wet hair from the shower.  Maybe putting on a pair of jeans and a cute shirt and some makeup will make me feel like a human being again.  Maybe I’m not doing as well as I thought in quarantine.  Huh.

13) I hope you all are well.  If you’ve sent me a message, I’m so sorry for not responding.  My mental state has been delicate lately and the silence from me has nothing to do with your kind words.  I promise I read and treasure and appreciate anything that is sent to me.  I’m also sorry for having no offering of fic or a promise of something to come.  I haven’t written since last summer.  It’s been almost a year.  I guess I’m in a dry spell.

14) Since I’ve been struggling with loss/grief lately, I’ll leave you with a quote from Philip Pullman, taken from his novel The Amber Spyglass.  It’s about death, I suppose.  Or maybe just a transition to something else entirely.  It’s nice to think of my grandma and Rose and my sweet, sweet love of a dog falling in the raindrops and riding on the wind through tall grass.  If it wasn’t raining, I’d take my computer outside right now.

“Even if it means oblivion, friends, I'll welcome it, because it won't be nothing. We'll be alive again in a thousand blades of grass, and a million leaves; we'll be falling in the raindrops and blowing in the fresh breeze; we'll be glittering in the dew under the stars and the moon out there in the physical world, which is our true home and always was.” 

[captainmeowvelwrites]

You Times Two (Ch.1)

Pairing: Marinette/Ladybug | Adrien/Chat Noir Words: 4080 Summary: Ladybug knew this was necessary. She was the Guardian. He had the Cat Miraculous. But when his suit evaporated in a glow of pale green, she sure hadn’t expected him to have something far more precious: her heart. Cross-posted: AO3 and FFN

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | ...

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Chapter One

A Parisian night is many things.

Still isn't one of them.

Nor is silent.

And forget about dark.

At least, not from Ladybug's point of view. Air whistled past her eardrums, muffling the animated chatter from nearby eateries as she swept off steel lampposts, over puffing chimneys, across bustling streets.

With a graceful flip, her feet pecked the pavement just shy of the Pont d'Iena, the bridge that bowed before the Eiffel Tower. A nearby tween prodded her blonde friend, propelling an excited finger in Ladybug's direction. She sent them a smile and a merry salute, then launched off the pavement and onto the nearest lamppost.

The Seine River was languid as always, vivid city lights painting a blurry masterpiece upon its surface. Her reflection joined the canvas, a flurry of red as she zipped over the velvety water.

Just as she reached the Eiffel Tower, an array of lights burst to life upon its iron shell, sparkling like her living room at Christmas. At its peak, beacons shot streams of pale blue out into the night.

She pursed her lips, squinting up at the iron behemoth. It must've just hit nine o'clock, given the light display happened on the hour. She flicked up the screen on her yoyo. According to her Kitty Tracker, he hadn't moved. An uneventful patrol, it seemed.

Luck was usually in her favour, but she wasn't so sure this time around.

Chewing on her lip, she hurled her yoyo toward a nearby beam and began the familiar ascent. After a few leaps and swings, she was perfectly poised upon the russet brown fence that wrapped around the summit of the Eiffel Tower. The expansive view of Paris made it an ideal patrol point.

Chat Noir was perched upon that very same fence, gazing out at the shimmering sea of lights below. His cat ears perked up the second she appeared and in an instant, a smile split his lips. His torso twisted as he faced her from the waist up. "Why hello, Ladybug!" He threw his legs over the railing and onto the ground, his tail swaying behind him. The evening breeze tousled his hair as he bowed. "And here I was thinking the Eiffel Tower couldn't shine any brighter." He peered up at her from through his blond bangs, a glint in his eyes.

With a roll of her own eyes, she dropped from the fence. "Silly kitty," she giggled, shaking her head. "You didn't need to stand up just for me."

That only earned a wider grin from her partner, but she chose not to comment. Instead, she crossed her arms, propped them atop the railing and surveyed the city below. "Anything to report?"

With a sigh, Chat leaned against the same railing, mirroring her posture. "Other than a whole lotta nothing?"

She nestled her chin in her palm. "A quiet night, huh?"

"Very." He drummed his claws against the railing, the dull clink of metal meeting her ears. "Usually, I'd be itching for something to do, but after everything that happened last week…"

She hummed in agreement. "A little peace and quiet is a welcomed relief, that's for sure."

Silence washed over them. The whistles of the wind, the whirr of evening traffic, the occasional car horn; it all seemed louder in that moment of quiet.

Ladybug had grown accustomed to intermissions of silence here and there, spritzed amid banter and chit-chat on the evening patrols they sometimes shared. Usually, it wasn't awkward in the slightest.

In fact, it was calming.

But tonight was different, for there was a reason she'd interrupted his solo patrol.

She knew it. He knew it. And they were both eager for her to elaborate.

If only she could find the right words. Or rather, re-find them.

Like a dreaded school speech, she'd rehearsed this moment with Tikki all week. At least twenty times if her ever-patient kwami hadn't been teasing about keeping count.

It seemed silly, really.

Chat was her partner. She knew he'd bear no ill will over her decision. He rarely did. And on those odd occasions that she did upset him, he always bounced right back that very same day. So why was this so hard?

"Hey, LB?"

Her eyes shot his way, fingers digging into her palms.

"While we're on the topic of last week, there's… something I've been meaning to tell you." His voice was oddly soft, a tone he reserved for his rarely-seen serious moments.

Were those times all that rare lately? Sure, he still cracked puns and sent cheeky remarks her way, but he'd toned the flirting down tenfold. Goodness, he hadn't called her M'Lady in over a week—she almost missed it, a thought she would never give voice.

Chat's hand settled atop her fist, and her fingers relaxed beneath the comforting weight. She didn't miss the pair of green eyes that were now set on her, or the way thought hazed their depths.

He was gathering his words, she realised.

So she let him.

She turned to the sprawling metropolis ahead, glittering like a jewel that ought to be treasured and this time, she let herself enjoy the view, rather than survey it.

Maybe half a minute ticked by before Chat spoke up, his eyes fixed on the vast cityscape. "I know being Ladybug is hard work. You're under a lot of pressure every single day and there's almost no one you can talk to about it." Then he looked at her, his face softening. "And now that you're the Guardian too… well, I can't even imagine how much pressure you must be under." A smile formed on his lips. It was small and delicate, woven from solace rather than joy; it warmed her, calmed her, made her feel a little less alone in all of this. Just like the slightest squeeze he gave her hand, still beneath his own. "I guess all I want to say is that I'm here for you, always."

Tears throbbed behind her eyes as she tackled a wide-eyed Chat, and soon felt the comforting weight of his arms around her too. "I know you are," she whispered into his shoulder, voice breaking. "Thank you, Chat Noir."

Another silence drifted over them and this time, it was warm and calming and just like she remembered. Her arms around him, and his around her, might've had a part to play—not that they'd admit that aloud.

To her surprise, Chat was the one to end the embrace, complete with a strained cough into his right fist. Yup, something was definitely up with him lately.

Her arms twisted behind her back, while the front of her foot pressed back and forth into the ground, as though that'd smudge away her theories on why he's been so withdrawn.

A veil washed over his masked face, any traces of unease now replaced by a cheeky smirk. Cue the puns in three, two, one— "So, what brings mew here on this fine Parisian evening? At the tail end of my patrol, might I add." His back was against the railing, his palms pressing upon its iron top for support. "Something on your mind, LB? Or did you just miss this pawsome kitty?"

"Actually," she drawled, toying with one of her pigtails, "there is something."

Just like that, laughter faded from his eyes. "Oh?"

To Ladybug, the ground was suddenly very interesting. "I've been meaning to talk to you about it all week, but I just… I guess I don't know how to say it?"

"Well, sometimes there is no right way to say something." He placed his hands atop her shoulders, his soft smile making its way to his eyes. "Sometimes you just have to come out and say it."

"It's just that"—she glanced away for one thought-gathering moment—"I don't want to upset you."

"I can never stay mad at you, Ladybug." He winked. "You should know that by now."

A sigh slid from her lips, dispersing just a fraction of her nerves.

Well, here goes.

"This past week, I've thought a lot about my new responsibilities. I've been trying to figure out what kind of Guardian I need to be." She refocused her gaze on his own, and for a moment she felt like her suit had scattered from her skin, exposing the bumbling girl beneath. "Basically, there's one thing I know for sure. I need to keep tabs on the whereabouts of every Miraculous."

His eyes widened, so briefly she'd have missed it if she'd blinked.

"Are you saying that…"

She shied away from his gaze, rubbing her left bicep with her right hand. It took way longer than it should've to manage a measly nod. "I… need to know who you are."

"R-Really?" He shot upright, eyes twinkling, an ear-to-ear grin blooming on his face. "That – That's great!"

But his face fell when he took in her posture; the way her shoulders hunched, her stare rising no higher than his feet.

That's when he realised the reason for her concern: this would be a one-sided thing.

"Oh."

She turned away from that face – that deflated look she knew was coming – and brought a quaking hand to her chest. "I'm… I'm sorry, Chat. I don't have a choice."

His hand was on her shoulder, light as a leaf, and he carefully turned her to face him. "But you're the Guardian." He was smiling, but she was sure she'd caught his lips twitch. "Don't you kinda… y'know… make the rules? What if something happens to you?" He gripped both of her shoulders now, as though afraid she'd float away unless he held her down. "If no one knows who you are…"

She shook her head. "If I reveal my identity to you, there's no taking that back." Any certainty she'd had seemed to have thrown itself over the railing the second she'd seen that dang look on Chat's face. "I… I need more time. I need to be sure it's the right thing to do." She didn't even know who she was trying to convince at this point.

He eased a sigh through his nose, smiling gently. "I understand, Ladybug." This time, it was him who pulled her in for a hug, brief as it was. "You know I'll always support whatever decision you make." He held a hand up to his mouth and cleared his throat, half-hiding a smirk; she braced herself for what followed. "So"—he leaned well within her personal bubble, only for her to place a finger on his nose to push him right back out of it—"I should probably warn you, there's a very real chance you'll fall for my unrivalled charm and devilishly good looks."

Her smirk in that moment mirrored his own. "I doubt that'll happen, but thanks for the warning."

The spark in his eyes only proved he wasn't done. "Hey, we're a long way up,"—he shrugged with fake indifference—"and last I heard, ladybugs don't always land on their feet."

She held her nose high. "Well, Kitty"—laughter lined her voice—"I don't know what documentaries you've been watching, but I can assure you that this ladybug always lands on her feet!"

He leaned in close. "Remind me of how we met again?"

"Just drop the clown costume, Kitty Noir," she said, flicking his bell.

"As M—err, the lady commands."

When he glanced at his feet, pink pinching his cheeks, Ladybug wasn't sure if his stutter or the anticipation was to blame. In any case, he seemed to recover quickly.

Straightening to his full height, Chat exhaled a slow, shaky breath as his eyes scanned the summit of the tower, ensuring they were alone. "Okay," he said, more to himself than to her. "Here goes…"

Ladybug showed him a smile of reassurance. Inside, however, her heart thumped hard and fast, each beat echoing in her eardrums. He was her partner. Knowing who he was wouldn't change that. And off the top of her head, she couldn't even think of a guy she'd be disappointed to find behind the mask. At least, not from the list of guys who were actually kind enough to be—

"Claws in."

When his suit evaporated in a glow of pale green, she hadn't expected it to take her every coherent thought along with it. Her eye twitched. Or had that been her lip? At this point, she was almost convinced her everything was spasming.

If one compared her brain to a single thing in that moment, it would be the dreaded, ear-shredding sound of a struggling dial up connection. Or maybe a nuclear explosion, detonating in her brain, its shockwaves rattling around in her skull, turning its contents to complete and utter mush.

"Adrien Agreste," he announced with a bow, his lightly tanned hand flicking out with polished flare. Adrien peered up at her with those gorgeous green eyes, that stunning smile, his… his beautiful everything.

Returning to full height, his thick, silver ring – his Miraculous – caught the light of a few nearby wall lamps as he extended a hand. "Pleased to officially meet you, Ladybug." He nodded toward a black creature with round, bright green eyes, who'd nestled lazily across his shoulder, stretching like a lithe cat. "You've already met my kwami, Plagg."

At those words, Ladybug snapped out of her stupor, only to stumble straight into a string of stutters.

"… A… A… Adrien?"

She could've sworn she heard Plagg mutter something suspiciously akin to, "Here we go."

If her ears really hadn't been failing her, Adrien must've been ignoring the comment. All he had to say was, "Yup, that's me-ow!" before he glanced at his outstretched hand, then back to her, and his brows creased.

"You're… You're… You're Chat Noir…"

It was a statement, not a question—and it slapped her hard across her rapidly reddening face.

The line between his brows deepened as he gave his outstretched hand a lingering look, then dropped it to his side. His eyes sunk down and to his left. "Is… that okay?" A few seconds later, he dared to recapture her gaze, a ghost of a smile on his full lips. She could've sworn a hint of pink had crept across his cheeks.

Ladybug shot ramrod straight. "No! I mean yes! I mean – you're perfect. Uhh – This is perfect. Us together is perfect – as partners… who lime kite—crime fight!" She dropped her head and groaned, sure he could no longer tell where her cheeks ended and her mask began.

"So, uhh…" He bit his lip, his hand sliding behind his head to rub his neck. "From your reaction, does that mean we maybe… know each other?" His eyes gazed into hers, outshining every single light in the city around them.

"Know… each other?" The phrase floated from her lips, a direct contrast to the shrill squeaks of her next words. "What?! No!" Her hands slapped her cheeks as some sort of giggle-groan hybrid squeezed up her throat. "I just… I just snow – uhh – know you from the – err – modelling! I… I mean… the… you! You're a famous model, right?" Another giggle. "Your – Your face is all over Paris! I'd be crazy not to know you." Her chest tightened. "As – As a famous person, that is. Not as a real-life friend. I… I mean, not that you aren't my friend because you're Chat Noir and he's—you are totally one of my bestest friends and – and, technically we have met as Ladrien – erm – Adrien and Bug Lady—Ladybug!"

Adrien blinked twice. "So," he drawled, tilting his head, "we don't know each other then?"

"Yes!" In that moment, the white of her eyes completely encased her blue irises. "I mean no!" She gripped her scalp. "I mean – Yes, we don't know each other in real life!" Her arms slapped firmly to her sides as she glanced left and right, avoiding his gaze. "Err – Not that I could tell you if we did, but, well… I mean, that doesn't matter because I've totally never met you before as a pavilion—civilian!" She gripped her yoyo, desperate to busy her quaking hands. "And like I said, even if we glad—had, I could tell you – I mean, I couldn't tell you, but that doesn't matter because we never have—" She threw her hands in the air for added emphasis, only to regret it within a millisecond.

Out of the corner of her eye, something small and red went flying over the handrailing. And she was sure she'd glimpsed Adrien's and Plagg's green eyes follow the item when it had slipped from her hand and made its descent toward the ground far below.

Her eyes crept down to her hip, praying her clumsiness could spare her even a sliver of mercy tonight.

Alas, no such luck.

She looked up at Adrien and Plagg, revealing a pained grin. Maybe she was just seeing things, courtesy of her near-hyperventilation, and maybe – oh please, maybe – the thing Adrien and Plagg had been staring at had been nothing more than a pigeon.

"Ladybug, why don't I carry you down there to grab your—"

"NO!"

His eyes flew wide as she leaped back so swiftly she might've just broken the barrier of sound.

"I… I mean, no spank you!" Her life flashed before her eyes. "No thank you," she wheezed, clenching her eyes shut as though that would help force the words through her lips. "But – But I'll just – uhh – walk… down… the stairs. Because there's nothing spicer—nicer than a late-night troll—stroll down the Eiffel Tower." She swung her arm out in front of her and said, "Am I right?"

By the look on Adrien's face, it was clear her word vomit had his brain spinning with endless questions, but he must've realised asking them all now was a lost cause. That didn't stop him from asking her at least a couple, both currently relevant.

"But what if someone finds your yoyo before you do?" He rubbed his chin, watching her. "Could something bad come out of that?"

"Oh, that?" She waved a dismissive hand. "Pfft! Noooo! It'll be fiiiine! Even if shum run – fun lum – someone does find my toto before me, all I've gotta say is spots o—" A squeal shot from her mouth and she half-expected her suit to scatter in a flash of blinding pink. A single, frantic onceover assured her that that wasn’t the case, and she heaved a sigh. "Err – What I meant to say was… I'll just de-France – de-transform and I'll drab my yoyo back next chime!"

"Are… you sure you're okay?" He took a carefully placed step forward, reaching for her shoulder. "You seem—"

"I'M FINE!" Ladybug practically screamed, lunging out of his reach. His face dropped along with his shoulders and guilt twisted her stomach in knots. "Uhh… What I mean is… I'm just tired is all – uhh – but… but not too tired for a depressing—refreshing walk down Paris' tallest building!" She straightened, like something had captured her interest. "And—oh. I think I just – uhh – heard my earrings creep!" She tapped her right ear twice. "So I'd better – y'know – go." With a cough into her still-trembling fist, she shuffled toward the stairwell, past an elevator that – to her dismay – was not for public use. "Gue-Guess we'll chat later, Chadrien – Adrien!"

"Sure, I'll…"

Ladybug was already halfway to the stairs.

"… see you… at… patrol tomorrow…"

Only once she was on the stairs and out of earshot did Adrien glance at his kwami. "Plagg, did she seem a little… off to you?"

Plagg zipped off his shoulder to float in front of his face. "A little?" He snorted, waving a dismissive paw. "Now where's my cheese? I'm starving!"

Adrien shot him a look. "Really, Plagg? Ladybug just found out my secret identity and all you have to say is that you're hungry?"

"Starving, not hungry," Plagg pointed out, crossing his arms. "There's a difference, you know—" His green eyes lit up at the generously portioned, cream-coloured morsel now between Adrien's thumb and index finger, partly encased by a thick layer of rind.

Adrien flung it in the air and watched the way Plagg dove for his dinner, like some kind of wild animal. When it came to cheese that description really wasn't far off, if Adrien was honest.

The sound of desperate chewing was muffled by the myriad of thoughts that raced through his mind. He trudged toward the railing, opting for a more poignant view than a maze of iron bars. This time, when he leaned against the railing with criss-crossed arms, it was cool against his now-bare skin, and he shivered.

"You know," he said after a time, "I feel like she reminded me of someone." He tapped his chin, pursing his lips. "But I just can't figure out who."

If Plagg hadn't been floating, he might've just jumped. "Uhh, yeah," he stammered, whirling around Adrien to plop down on the railing. "She reminds you of Ladybug. Duh!"

Adrien shot Plagg a sideways glance, arching a brow. "Didn't you just say she seemed more than a little off?"

"That was before I savoured the deliciously potent delicacy that is Pont l'Eveque." He pressed his paws together, sighing wistfully as he stared out into the night. "I wasn't myself then," he whined, throwing his paws out in front of him for added emphasis. "And I make no sense when I'm hungry."

Adrien flashed a wry smile. "Don't you mean starving?"

Plagg shot his nose in the air. "The cheese is still digesting!" He scoffed. "Smart aleck."

Adrien rolled his eyes, chuckling.

"Seriously, though." Plagg hovered directly before his chosen. "I'm sure she's just tired – like she said!"

Adrien smiled weakly, and stared out at the concrete jungle that bustled below, where small cars weaved through lamppost-lined streets, their headlights illuminating the many pedestrians that dotted the sidewalks like ants. "Yeah," he eventually breathed. "Maybe you're right, Plagg."

---

Ladybug zipped down the narrow stairwell, two shaky steps at a time. The safety barrier that surrounded her, a criss-cross of metal wires, rattled at her fingertips, and the metal stairs clanked beneath her every stride, ringing out into the Parisian night.

"I'm calm," she chanted like a mantra, one she'd started maybe three hundred steps ago. "I'm calm. I'm calm. I'm completely calm. Irrevocably calm. Undeniably calm." Her tense body told another tale. "Like, if calm and composed could have a baby, I would be that baby." She balled her fists out before her, holding her chin up high. "I've got this. Yeah."

A thousand steps later and she was convinced she'd thrown the last of her luck over the ledge along with her yoyo. The elevator at the summit of the tower was for private use. And now the public elevator that joined the two observation decks to the ground was, of course, out of order. While that meant the Eiffel Tower was quieter than normal for a Thursday night, it also meant she had to continue the rest of her trek by stairs.

So naturally, she was now stuck behind a very slow – and very curious – tour group. They kept stealing backward glances at her, before whispering in their neighbour's ear. Something about a "fake in a cheap costume", she thought one person had said.

Any other night – literally any other – and she would've been all smiles and rainbows and unicorns.

Tonight?

Not a chance.

The only thing on her agenda right now was to get home stat. It was the only safe place for her imminent mental breakdown. And at this rate, she feared her frenzied thoughts would fire from her lips like a violent shockwave before she even reached the ground.

"Wow!" the tour guide – Francois, if she'd heard correctly – exclaimed with no preamble. "Look over there, folks!" He brandished a large hand, speckled with age-spots, at something past the wired barrier. "There goes one of Paris' superheroes, Chat Noir." The entire group skidded to an agonising halt, their gasps of awe and murmurs of excitement floating through the air. "We see him and the real Ladybug almost every day. The Eiffel Tower seems to be a favourite patrol spot of theirs—no doubt because of the marvellous view!"

A groan squeezed up Ladybug's throat as she slapped her forehead, and proceeded to drag that same hand down her steadily flushing face.

"I am. Completely. Calm."

[silversoulstardust]

wolfstar secret santa

Merry christmas and happy holidays! This is for you, @ms-stony for @wolfstar-secret-santa . I decided to carry on an abandoned project and incorporate a little bit of accidental confession and a family unit with Harry. I hope you like it! :) 

**********

“When this is over, we’ll be a proper family.” – Sirius Black to Harry Potter, Order of Phoenix

I took this line to heart and made it happen. A canon divergent where nobody died in the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange at the Ministry of Magic. Harry was back home to his godfathers on winter break and learned how they fell in love.

************

 It was a calm wintry night at the Lupin-Black household at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. Harry was back from Hogwarts for the winter break and the house became more lively than usual with just the two of them; Remus and Sirius. They had their warm soup, fresh sourdough bread and roasted chicken with gravy for dinner and everyone ate till they were full; stomach heavy with food as they filled each other with stories they had missed. Remus didn’t want to discuss the Order too much during this good time, so it was mostly Harry talking about his adventures and shenanigans he was up to with Ron and Hermione. A professor that he was; Remus interjected once in a while and gave Harry a warning shot when his story was about them doing something that were borderline endangering themselves, but Sirius always came into Harry’s defense. “Ah come on, Moony. Live a little. What’s life without a little risk? Isn’t that right, Harry?”  And the boy nodded with excitement at Sirius’s statement. He smugly smiled in Remus’s direction as he stuffed himself with more chicken. Remus shook his head, helpless, but there was a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. It was like having James with them all over again. His logic was outnumbered.

Afterwards, Remus made all of them a steaming mug of hot cocoa topped with marshmallow and he made sure to put a little extra marshmallow for Harry. The boy had gone through traumatic and abusive childhood at the Dursleys, Remus was adamant to make him feel welcomed and loved in his household. It was Harry’s first time returning to this place for holiday after Remus had properly moved in and he wanted to make Harry feel at home. He settled on the couch in front of the fireplace and set the mugs on the coffee table, pulling out the book he’d been reading. Like a magnet, both Sirius and Harry brought their own reading material and settled around Remus. Sirius had his head on Remus’s lap, lying on 2/3 of the couch whereas Harry sat on the ottoman, looking through an old photo album he had already seen few times before. Remus held his book up with one hand as he had another of his mindlessly caressing through Sirius’s tuft of black hair. They sat quietly like that for a while, enjoying each other’s company in comfortable silence with the sound of fire cackling in the background. Harry observed alternately between the two adults, looking like he was ruminating something in his head but yet to come with words to express it. Soon enough, he cleared his throat for attention.

“Hey Remus, I was wondering about, about something,” Harry’s hands held up an old photobook from Remus’s Hogwarts years. He could see a couple of photos of Lily and James at school, the Marauders line up, James’s quidditch practice, Lily and Remus beaming with pride showing off their prefect badges with a little smudgy handwriting that read ‘nerds’ scribbled at the bottom. At the bottom most left corner of the album was a photo of young Sirius Black and Remus Lupin with arms around each other’s shoulder in a half hug stance, head pressed against one another, blissfully smiling into the camera that their eyes appeared closed. “I’ve always heard stories about how mom and dad fell in love and got together, but I don’t think I’ve heard about…. yours and Sirius.”

The book Sirius was reading slipped on his face with a loud thud at the question. Remus who was clearly caught off guard by Harry choked on his own spit.

“What makes you think we’re together, Harry?” teased Sirius as he peered over the book. “We could just be an unnaturally close friends, you know. The kind that don’t mind living together, sharing beds and sometimes arguing like old married couples.”

Remus rolled his eyes with affection.

“Oh come on padfoot, I might be as dense as a brick wall sometimes,” exclaimed Harry with vigor, “but I can also see there’s something more than just friendship here! Okay maybe Hermione had to point it out at first. But I also saw how you guys look at each other and I would never look at Ron that way. I’ve seen it in couples at Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop before they snog each other into oblivion.”

Sirius barked with laughter. “Well we didn’t want to scare you off and make you uncomfortable, Harry. We plan to tell you when you’re older.”

“You must understand that it is not an easy subject to broach, Harry,” added Remus as he closed his book and stuffed it on the side of the couch. He continued running his fingers through Sirius’s hair. “Most people would avoid ‘the talk’, and even in muggle world they’re still scared to discuss and accept it. We have come a long way for sure, but bigotry, sadly, still exist. There’s this popular phrase they use – God said Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

Sirius huffed, but did not comment further.

“Well I’m not most people, am I?” Harry looked up; his burning gaze locked with Remus’s. “I’m your godson. Your best friend’s son.”

Remus felt warmth enveloped him with the acceptance. “You really are your parents’ son, aren’t you Harry? Lily was the first person who knew about us back in Hogwarts and she was so thrilled.”

“James was a little stunned to know about us though, right Moonbeams? Can’t believe we’ve been snogging in secret under his nose for the entire year before he accidentally caught us in a broom closet when he tried to hide from Filch,” Sirius grinned at the memories.

“That’s right, that was in our sixth year,” added Remus nostalgically. “But you actually made your advances at me earlier than that.”

“What did he do, Remus?” Harry sat forward, turning to face Remus to listen to his story intently. He put down the photo album in exchange for the cocoa drink in his hands to keep warm, sipping it from time to time. “Nothing too, er – explicit, please.”

“On our third year, Sirius actually let it slip that he liked me.”

Sirius hoisted himself by the elbow and frowned at Remus. “No, I did not! We didn’t secretly fu – date each other until our fifth year and didn’t make it Marauder official until sixth.”

“Calm down, Pads,” Remus pushed Sirius’s head back on his lap. “Yes, that’s the fact, I’m glad you haven’t forgotten despite Akzaban,” – Sirius winced at the mention of his twelve years wrongful imprisonment as Remus continued – “I’m talking about Christmas eve.”

“What Christmas eve?”

“Well it was on our third year Christmas eve, when we were the only one left in the common room of Gryffindor Tower. Initially all of us were planning to stay over the holiday together, but James’s mother suddenly fell ill, and Peter’s parents tempted him with imported exotic food for Christmas dinner. They bailed on us at the last second. Only you and me left then, and I too contemplated on going back home to my parents but I knew you would rather stay alone in school than going back to this house –“ his eyes wondered along the length of the ceiling and around the room, “ – to Walburga and Orion, to your parents. So I stayed to accompany you.”

“How noble you were, Messer Remus,” Sirius closed his book and put it aside as he pushed himself up to sitting position facing Remus. “But I don’t recall this memory.”

He chuckled. “I doubt you would. You were sick and drowsy half the time. Have you no recollection at all?”

Sirius scratched his beard, frowning. “No. I didn’t do anything bad to you, did I?”

“On the contrary, I was the one who did you harm, Sirius,” he patted Sirius’s hand and left it there. “You suddenly came down with flu that very evening but refused to go disturb Madam Pomfrey because you said she’s human and need holiday with her family too, so I gave you muggle cough syrup my mother had packed for me at the beginning of the year.”

“And?” Harry exchanged curious look with Sirius, equally excited to know the rest.

“And, well, let’s just say, you should be glad you’re not a muggle. You see, probably because your body is not used to it, the medicine had more affect than just drowsy. It made you braver, more honest, more raucous than usual. Like a drunkard. It turned off your brain filter for a couple of hours before you succumbed to the drowsiness and slept through the night.”

“Hmmm. And what did I do in that few hours, Moony?”

“You took down one of Gryffindor’s wall flags and put it on as a cape, climbed on the furniture in the common room as you declare to the world that you’d protect me and the marauders against animals, aliens, wizards and muggles alike, even if you had to die while doing so. You tried to fight the lion statue in the common room using a ruler, Sirius. All because I was laughing at your antics too much and stumbled against the poor statue, you thought it was hurting me. Imagine you stabbing a stone with plastic ruler until it bent and break. You cried because your sword was broken. It was sweet of you, really.”

Sirius was giddy with laughter. Remus continued his story. “When I managed to pull you away, you turned to look at me, face inches away from my own. You stared into my eyes and went still for a moment, told me you like me more than you like warm soup on winter evening, assured me that I’m the most beautiful person on earth, squished my cheeks and ….well, we kissed. It was more of a quick peck on the lips, but we were thirteen years old then and it was a big deal. But you were …under the influence of cough syrup. I was happy it happened but quick to dismiss it. I’ve never told a soul about this until now. And to think about it, I probably slowly fell for you after that incident, eventually became completely besotted in our fifth year.”

Sirius laced their fingers and raised it to his lips to kiss Remus’s knuckle. Remus was slightly nervous at the openly displayed affection he was having with Sirius in the presence of other people, but he realized how silly it was to think that way as Harry was impassive to the action, draining the last of his hot drink in the cup. “You were closer with James since the beginning, Sirius, but with me… after that incident I noticed how protective you were of me. Probably without you realizing it. Always up for a dog fight with people who teased me at school. It was you who always stayedback to watch over me after a nasty transformation. Last one to go and first one to arrive around the full moon. Patched my bloodied body and learned some spells from Madam Pomfrey to mend simple wounds and broken bones. The first to suggest to the others to learn a branch of difficult magic and transform into animal to ease my transformation. Even before we were involved romantically, you’ve always been looking after me.”

“And I’ll do it again in a heartbeat,” Sirius cupped his cheek. “Harry, close your eyes lad.”

After being certain that their godson had closed his eyes, Sirius pressed his lips against Remus’s, soft and gentle but with firm assurance. His warm hands slid down Remus’s neck and further down to pull him closer by the collar of his jumper as the kiss deepened. Remus mirrored him and did the same, crumpling Sirius’s shirt in his hands. It was Harry’s loud throat clearing that they broke apart, slightly ashamed for losing control in front of a kid. Harry peeked in between his fingers to see if it was safe for him to open his eyes again. “Please save it for later Moony, Padfoot. When I’m dead asleep and can’t hear a thing.”

“Well,” Sirius tried to sound casual as he straightened his shirt, “if there’s one thing that’s changed since then, is the fact that I no longer dread to be here in this house on Christmas holiday. I have a family now,” he beamed alternately between Remus and Harry, sounding terribly fond.

Harry was taken aback by Sirius’s words but was quick to snap out of it. He couldn’t contain his joy shot up from his seat, depositing himself on the couch between Remus and Sirius. The boy threw both of his arms around their shoulders and pulled them close, grinning from ear to ear. “That’s right, we’re a family!”

In the time of an impending war loomed over them, Remus couldn’t thank Merlin enough for his stroke of luck to have had Harry and Sirius in his life. All the darkness he went through in his life felt worth it now that he was here in this moment with them, like the presence of light at the end of a tunnel.  For a first time in a very long time, he look forward for the future; to more time with Sirius, with Harry. Remus echoed under his breath; a smile stretching across his face.

“A family.”

[bangtanscenariosblog]

Masterlist (March 11th 2019)

Request me all the scenarios you want! :) ♥

Scenarios:

Fireworks - Rap Monster fluff.

I will color your sky - J-hope angst.

Let me love you - J-hope angst-fluffy-philosophical

Lose control - Jimin smut.

Love you to death - Jungkook fluff

Rewind - SUGA angst and philosophical.

Speak it up - Rap Monster angst and fluff

Stuck in his hurricane - Jimin hot and fluff.

This is what I wanted to tell you - V fluff.

You’re a work of art - Rap Monster angst and fluff.

You only love once - Jungkook fluff

Sequel scenarios:

Jin fluffy one: Follow me.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

Jin historical-cultural-angst-fluff: Only one - Only one (sequel)

J-Hope and Jimin angst and fluff: Foolish Feelings. Part 1 - Part 2 coming soon

Requested scenarios:

A smile like his father’s - J-Hope angst- fluff

Braid your hair - V fluff

Can you smile - V angst and philosophical with Jimin as a second character.

Can you smile (alternative version) - V angst-philosophical-fluff (still with Jimin.)

Childish fights - Jungkook fluff

Did you know I meant it? - J-hope angt-fluff

Don’t change - Jimin angst-fluff-philosophical

Fake lies - Jin angst-super fluff-a bit philosophical

First - V fluffy smut

How much did you miss me? - SUGA fluff

I’ll be standing by your side - SUGA angst

I’ll protect you - Jimin angst

Imperfect life - Jin angst- super fluff

Insane driver - Jimin fluffi

Insecurities - SUGA angst- fluff

Jealousy consumes you - Jungkook angst-philosophical-fluff

Just once - SUGA fluff

Kid’s like love - V fluff

Light; take me away - V fluff- angst- philosophical

Morning kiss - V fluff

Mute - V smut

Not that lovable - SUGA angst - fluff - philosophical

Our passionate weakness - V fluff - angt -philosophical

Photographs - V angst-fluff

Rainy day - V fluff

Recall - Jin angst and fluffy in the end

Rude - Jimin angst- smut

Someday seems impossible - Jungkook fluff

Warm hugs - Jimin angst-fluff

Warm whispers - SUGA fluff-angst-philosophical-smut

You’re beautiful - V philosophical-angst-fluff

Song Requested scenarios:

How you got the girl - V angst (based on How you get the girl by Taylor Swift).

Slave to our hormones - V fluff (based on War Of Hormones by BTS).

So close yet so far - Jungkook angst- fluff (based on the For You mv by BTS).

Special scenarios:

I mean the opposite (Jimin’s 21st birthday)

Not ready yet (Jungkook’s 19th birthday)

New love (Rap Monster’s 22nd birthday)

Pray for humanity

Spiritualism (Halloween scenario)

Christmas Day (For Christmas)

Imatexts and quotes

Basically for the imatexts I have made, since they are pictures posts, you gotta “search on the blog”. Just search “imatexts” or “imatext” and if you scroll down, you’ll find all of them!

Their type of…

Kisses

Hugs

Reactions

Dating a gender fluid (without gifs)

Hurt during sex (NSFW)

You don’t want to marry them

You being feminine

You being ill

You’re a drummer and can do V’s voice

You’re more attractive than before

You’re drunk and cry at a party

Someone’s flirting with you

You being scared after seeing a scary movie

You don’t want him to meet your parents

You being dominant (NSFW)

Your hair being fluffy

Starting a dance battle between the members for you to judge

You sleeping with a plushie

You being embarrassed after two members had some skinship

You sneaking into their dorm

You both being horny (NSFW)

You being insecure about your weight

You doing too much sports

You cooking with their moms

A stranger kissing you

You accidentally facing their intimate part

You trying some clothes on in the fitting rooms

You singing for the first time

BTS asking you out to prom

Staying late at school (written)

You dodging their kisses

You having an origami collection

Other requests

Rap Monster’s type of girl

Which BTS member would date a black girl

Which BTS member would date a non-asian girl

Which BTS member would date a 00 or 01 liner

Which BTS member would date a 98 liner

Which BTS member would date a 97 liner

How would Jungkook date a short and loud girl

Here, you can find every single daily preference I have made from now on. I upload a preference everyday and I also take requests for them. If you wanna request me one, please tell me the member you’d like and the plot.

Here they are, enjoy reading!~♥

#1 Falling asleep in front of a movie

#2 Napping after work

#3 Playfully making your bed

#4 Ice cream date

#5 Woke up by a kiss

#6 Jealous Jin

#7 Babysitting help

#8 Midnight snacks

#9 Hot hugs

#10 Brain Dots

#11 After school surprise

# Cheering you up

#12 Periods cramps

#13 Stare game

#14 Hot chocolate kiss

#15 Jealous of your male best friend

#16 Scared of storms

#17 Scared of spiders

#18 Kiss cam

#19 Playing video games

#20 Horror movie

#21 Unexpected kiss

#22 Ordering pizze

#23 Study support

#24 Lunch date

#25 Introducing you to his friends

#26 Nail polish kisses

#27 Cinema date

#28 Chocolate bar

#29 Studying kisses

#30 Bowling date

#31 Vacation ride

#32 Cuddling day off

#33 Push ups

#34 Forbidden diet

#35 Changed homescreen

#36 Nap on his knees

#37 Waiting room

#38 Taking the underground

#39 Home after a tiring day

#40 Accidental skype confession

#41 Bless you

#42 After-shower routine

#43 Water bottle

#44 New hair cut

#45 Waking up on a Sunday morning

#46 Just dance

#47 Surprise visit after your shower

#48 Late night Skype

#49 Receiving your scholar books

#50 Changing contact name

#51 Going back home at night

#52 Music festival date

#53 Kisses; stress reliever

#54 Spending your birthday (and Jungkook’s birthday together) (Requested)

#55 Protecting you from the rain

#56 He randomly knows your name at school

#57 Exchanging glances in class

#58 Parrot

#59 Note into your locker

#60 No longer your seatmate

#61 Taking the bus after a long day

#62 Missing him to sleep

#63 Snapbacks

#64 Struggling to stay awake

#65 Basketball game with your boyfriend

#66 Falling asleep on a rainy night with your boyfriend

#67 Feeling low because of your look

#68 Staying up late to study

#69 Being cold so he warms you up

#70 Too lazy to get up to go to work so he gently wakes you up

#71 Missed the bus

#72 Having a good time with your boyfriend while watching a basketball match

#73 Shy bathing time

#74 Playfihting because of your wet hands

#75 Learning to us chopsticks

#76 Ill

#77 Restaurant date

#78 Running motivation

#79 Carry you to bed

#80 Finishing your homework earlier

#81 Can’t find your glasses

#82 Schoolmate staring at you

#83 Attempt to make you smile

#84 Sporty date

#85 “Perfect date”

#86 Studying pause

#87 Bike riding

#88 Legs tickling

#89 Airport meeting (Requested)

#90 “I don’t need make up” (Requested)

#91 Come over on a Saturday night (Requested)

#92 Bubble gums

#93 Lazy day in bed (Requested)

#94 Dancing with Namjoon

#95 Your best friend helping you to go through your heart break

#96 Surprise picking up (Requested)

#97 Late phone call and silly conversations

#98 Cheerful text

#99 Pregnant announce (Requested)

#100 Wedding propose (Requested)

#101 Cheating rumors (Requested)

#102 Taking a pic of you but you feel insecure

#103 Tying up his ties

#104 Jealous and protective when you leave the house

#105 Cold

#106 Mental breakdown

#107 Twisted ankle

#108 Cute when…

#109 Men in the street

#110 Drunk in love

#111 Jealous crush

#112  Emperor

#113 First date

#114 Craving for kisses

#115 Cheesy halloween

#116 Comforting boyfriend

#117 Drunk with stranger

#118 Break up

#119 We could (based on Do I wanna know by Arctic Monkeys).

#120 Master (NSFW).

#121 Shattered

#122 Just a lifetime

#123 Ditch class

#124 Confidence

#125 Meet again

#126 Pretty hot though

#127 Even more tomorrow

#128 What would you do?

#129 You like me, don’t you?

#130 Possessivity

#131 Your most prescious dream

#132 Be your last

#133 Not born to fight

#134 Feel the same

#135 Close enough

#136 Unexpected kiss

#137 Stress relieving session

#138 Run

#139 “You’re the one that’s annoying!”

#140 “I will think about it.”

#141 Cheater

#142 “I am not sick!”

#143 Uninspired

#144 Bakeries

#145 Christmas ice skating

#146 Sky is the limit

#147 Protective brother

#148 Torture

#149 Psychotic boyfriend

#150 Supportive father

#151 Routine

#152 Garlands

#153 Holidays

#154 Art teacher

#155 Revelation

#156 Awkward firt kiss

#157 Shamefuly attracted

#158 Hard to concentrate

#159 Serious when it comes to you

#160 Have a nice day

#161 Still can’t get enough

#162 Steamy atmosphere

#163 Plushie gift

#164 How much do you love me?

#165 Sexy teasing

#166 You so love hate him

#167 I don’t care what you think about your beauty

#168 Not as a friend anymore

#169 seems like I forgot this one, oops! Sorry x

#170 Couple silliness

#171 Surprise meeting

#172 Art project

#173 Play fighting

#174 Scared of love

#175 The little surprise

#176 Meeting family

#177 Love is a cycle…

#178 Garden of Eden

#179 Massage session

#180 Cart race

#181 Touch our dreams

#182 What’s your wish?

[39haru-bom]

50 Questions Tag

I was tagged by @janarine - thank you 😄heheh.

I’ve never done anything like this before, so I hope I’m doing it right! Sorry if I mess up somehow.

1. What takes too much of your time?

Animal Crossing (New Leaf). I think I’m spending too much time on my town right now...

2. What makes your day better?

Talking to my best friend, she always cheers me up heheh. Writing, listening to music, and doing something music related too.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

I haven’t done much today, but my sister just baked a cake and let me try some, so that was pretty sweet.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

Yumenosaki. It’s really the only fictional place I can think of that I’d like to go to tbh. There’s this kid I go to school with that’s basically Tori anyway.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

Eh, sometimes (I think). People say I am, but sometimes I don’t think anything I say makes any sense. I do like to help people out though!

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Anxiety.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

I don’t think so. But I do have a lot of very dark and vivid dreams.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

Definitely Stray Kids. Not only their music and lyrics inspire me and help me get through things, but also them themselves - idk I look up to them a lot.

Bolbbalgan4/BOL4 and SHISHAMO influence me a lot musically as well.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Nope. I mean, I’ve had a crush before, but I wouldn’t call it love.

10. What’s your dream date?

I’m not sure, but maybe either something at home where it feels cozy, or maybe at a cafe? Idk I just really like cafes.

11. What do others notice about you?

Maybe my height? I used to have teeth that stuck out, but now I’m just pretty average.

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

Biting my lips. I really hate that I do this.

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Referring to the person I used to have a little crush on - yes, we’re pretty good friends.

I’m pretty sure anyway.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

None. I don’t think much about dating.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

There are around 3500 on my main playlist. I’m always listening to music, and I’m always adding more.

16. What instruments can you play?

I’m learning to play ukulele. I really like playing it heheh, and I’m going to start writing my own stuff soon I think.

I was learning guitar, but I lost interest and had no patience for it.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

I have more memes and reaction images saved on my phone than anything else (whoops). But putting those aside, I have a lot of pictures of Mika Kagehira. But if we’re talking about real people, I’d say Stray Kids - Hyunjin, Felix and Chan to narrow it down.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

I definitely want to visit Italy and see where my family comes from! I really want to learn more about my family and Italy.

19. What is your zodiac?

Libra! ♎️

20. Do you relate to it?

Yeah? Sometimes I guess.

21. What is happiness to you?

I’m not very good with words or my thoughts, but happiness to me is enjoying and embracing what you have, whether it be people, objects, or anything else, and accepting yourself? Enjoying the nice moments you have with people maybe. I guess that’s basically my take on true happiness.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

Hmm, maybe a little bit right now. But I’m trying to stay positive for those around me.

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

I had this really good friend a couple of years ago. She always looked out for me, made sure I wasn’t alone in class, etc etc. it was a bit hard for me to sit with her sometime though, seeing as she was in that more “popular” group of people. I started sitting with other people after a bit because I thought that it’d be easier on her, but I still regret not talking to her about it first. I’m not very good with communication. We don’t talk anymore and that kind of makes me a bit sad, but that’s my fault, and I know that. I’m trying to become a bit better now, and it’s taught me to take other people’s feelings into consideration (I believe that people are in your lives sometimes to reach you something, so I guess this is one of the things that she has taught me).

24. What’s your favourite store?

In general, Big W 😂 because I always find myself wanting to go there for some strange reason. Either that or Temt or QBD Books.

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

I guess it depends on the situation, but ultimately it’s a person’s own choice whether or not they want it, it’s not my position to tell them yes or no.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Yes! I’ve always had an idea of what I wanted to be on it, but recently I’ve started to write one :)

27. Do you have a favourite album?

I don’t really have a favourite album, but to name a few that I really like are any of Stray Kids’ albums, MCR’s The Black Parade, and Broken Iris’ “The Eyes of Tomorrow” (sorry it takes me back to my “emo” days).

28. What do you want for your birthday?

I don’t really want anything in the aspect of presents, but I’d really like to have dinner with my family. I really like to spend time with my family.

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

A lot of people think I’m the shy nice girl, which I guess is true-

Until I get comfortable with you, then I’m really hyper and loud heheh.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

Well, I’ll be turning 16 this year. I don’t know what age I seem like to people right now, but I know that when I was younger I looked a lot older than what I was.

I was always really tall for my age, but I think now I’m not that tall in comparison to some girls in my grade.

31. Where do you keep your phone while your sleeping?

I usually keep in one of my drawers next to my bed. I don’t like to keep it right next to my head while I’m sleeping, but I like to have it close to me incase I need to write something down, especially if I get an idea for something I’m writing.

32. What word do you say the most?

Definitely “like”. I always say “like, uh” a lot, and also “you know?”, although that’s two words.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

As of right now, maybe 17, maybe 18? I think I’m still a bit too young to date anyone older than that, but when I’m a bit older, a 3-4 year age gap would be fine I guess.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

I’m not sure. Maybe 15? I don’t think I’m really ready for dating anyway... lmao.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

My family and friends when I was younger used to say that I should be a model? But I think they were just being nice. I also think it was because of how tall I am.

I also was told once or twice that I should be a nurse, since I care a lot for people I guess. I don’t think I have a real interest in the medical field though, I think all of my interests lie in the creative sort of field.

With that being said, my dream job is actually to be a florist :)

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

I don’t really have a favourite genre, or a specific genre I listen to. I listen to lots of different genres in lots of different languages, as I like to keep an open mind- I‘m really interested in other cultures and countries, especially their languages as I find many languages very pretty.

But if I had to narrow it down, then maybe indie and punk rock?

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I’m going to be 100% honest-

Hands down, I’d stay in Australia. I’m sorry, I just really love my country. It’s my home after all.

But if I had to choose another country, then maybe Italy or Japan?

38. What is your current favourite song?

There are too many songs that I absolutely love.

But my absolute favourite song is Awkward Silence by Stray Kids. It always makes me happy somehow whenever I listen to it.

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I started this blog almost a year ago to try and make friends that are into the same things as me, but unfortunately due to my anxiety and nonexistent social skills I could never bring myself up to speak to anyone.

I started posting and reblogging things on here not too long ago though, so I guess that’s when I finally started using this blog.

40. What are you excited for?

I’m going to America in a couple of months. Although it makes me extremely anxious, I’m kind of excited for it still.

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

I’m 50/50. Sometimes I chat people’s ears off, but then sometimes I like to listen to people and people always say that I’m a good listener. I guess it all depends.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

I did some unfinished homework. I’m on school break right now so I’m trying not to be lazy for once.

43. What do you want for Christmas?

I literally just want to spend time with my family heheh, I don’t ever really have anything to ask for for Christmas or my birthday.

44. What classes do you get the best grades in?

Japanese. It’s the only class that calms me and gives me sanity (usually), so I’m actually able to focus for once.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

8. I’m feeling pretty all right, since school holidays just started, but for some reason I constantly feel stressed and worried, and I’m always tired since I get hardly any sleep. But my plan is to

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

Hopefully I’m a florist heheh.

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

I’ve never had a love related heartbreak, but the first time I ever felt my heart shatter was in year 4 when I was told my great grandmother passed away. I was really close with her and I still miss her a lot.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

I’ve never really thought about this. Should I be? Whoopsie.

Maybe late twenties? I’m not sure.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

There were MANY things I wanted to be when I was little.

I wanted to be a figure skater, ballerina, model, preschool teacher, nurse, police officer, artist of some kind, writer, singer, actor, dancer, and the list goes on. But I really regret not working towards being a figure skater when I was younger, I really wish I was one heheh.

50. What do you crave right now?

Proper sleep.

I’m tagging @kyoko-yuuki :)

I only have one person to tag, don’t have many mutuals lol.

Sorry it took me a bit to finish it, I’m not really good with a lot of things :P

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #193

“i’m stronger than i ever knew; i’m strong because of you.”

What’s one item the dollar store is good for? Candy. What’s the last thing you made out of construction paper? A "cover" for Sara's first V-Day present. What’s the last thing that inspired you? I'm not sure, really. Probably some video. Are you a daredevil? No. What’s one thing you are lazy about? Cleaning. Do you prefer tea to be cold or hot? Tea is a no from me. Do you ever get annoyed by the stupid decisions characters make in books? Not really annoyed, seeing as making mistakes is sometimes a necessity to the plot, but I'm more like, "no one would ever do that irl," especially in the horror genre. What’s one thing that’s annoying you about the book you’re reading now? N/A What’s the most boring thing about your life right now? You would almost assume I'm under house arrest because I can never leave my fucking house. What could make your life more interesting? Being in school, have a job, or have Sara live here. Name someone you know who is truly happy. My nephew. He's only two, but. I have never seen a happier human being. Do you have trouble letting friends go when you need to? It depends. Do you have trouble letting things go? Depends as well. How cluttered is your apartment/house/room? My room's decent, but the majority of the house is kinda messy or just unorganized. Do you have any antique furniture? No. What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a purse? Idk, certainly not much. Where would be the most fun place to do a 24 hour challenge in, do you think? Probably an amusement park. Would be creepy as fuck at night too, and I'd liiive for it. What’s something you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t got around to yet? A lot... like resume studying German. I haven't decided to yet because I question the real usefulness of it; I want to go to Germany, but that may never happen, and I could probably manage just enough with what I know. It may end up just being wasted time and effort. What was the best class trip you have ever been on? 5th grade visit to the zoo. Did you have your own room as a child? No, I shared it with Nicole. Maybe Ashley was with us for a while before being given her own room? Idr. Have you ever shared a room? See above, then with Jason in the old apartment. If so, was having a roommate hard for you? As a young kid, Nicole and I liked sharing a room, but as I especially got older, I really wanted my own. With Jason, no. Do you own a lot of clothes that don’t fit you anymore? Yes, some I hope to shrink back into or are just stored for nostalgia. Where do you donate old clothes? Goodwill and some other place idr. Do you enjoy antique stores? Oh. My. God. Yes. What are five things you inherited from your mom? Somewhat slower metabolism I think, depression, are seasonal allergies genetic?, height, and hair thickness. What are five things you inherited from your dad? PACING, this little short huff-ish laugh thing he does at the end of some sentences, no common sense whatsofuckingever, and enjoying games. Do you enjoy grocery shopping? Noooo. Do you enjoy clothes shopping? Only at stores I like, and if I don't have to try things on. Do you own footie pajamas? Omg nooooo, haven't since I was a kid. They had to be so uncomfortable. Which America’s Got Talent Golden Buzzer performance was your favorite? I haven't seen/remember enough. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? I did religiously until Sharon left. If you were to host a '90s party, which 3 shows would you like to run? That '70s Show, Full House, and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. What was your favorite thing you collected as a child? Webkinz. I was that one kid who had dozens. Whose house was your first sleepover at? My first best friend, Brianna's. If you had a daughter, would you allow sleepovers? Of course with girls, but I probably wouldn't allow a boy to stay overnight until she was at least 16 due to the risk of her getting pregnant. Which do you like better, your first name or your middle name? My first. What are some ways that pop culture has helped you learn historic or scientific facts? Oh, video games and TV shows definitely have. There must be plenty of other things, but. Blanking. Have you ever had a job in which you felt that you had nothing to do? What was the protocol in that situation (e.g., surfing the web, taking on the job of co-workers, or pretending to work)? If you have not, do you think it would be lucky or unlucky to have such a job? N/A; I wouldn't enjoy an extreme lack of work, but definitely some time to like wander around the Internet and such. Having too little would be super boring, and I'd feel very unproductive. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I felt horrible when I found out Mom's been legitimately uneased before because of how loudly I can scream at Bentley and/or Teddy when I'm really pissed. I've been working on it since then. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on you with gifts.) Above all, I need to be reminded that you love me, that you're not leaving (unless of course there's good reason to), AND THAT MY ILLNESSES AREN'T BECOMING TOO OVERWHELMING. As well, with how I physically am now, I need to know that my weight doesn't bother you. That's all I can think of atm. When you are having a hard time emotionally, what are some of the telltale ways that you act out or that your personality reflects your struggles? I admit I speak before I think and can be very snappy and sarcastic. I become extremely pessimistic and cry easier than I already do. My stability in general is very fragile when I'm struggling. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? WEANING. I never would've survived dropping soda (for the time I did) if I hadn't weaned down. Well, quitting meat cold turkey during my vegetarian phase was easy, but most things, I'd still say weaning. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? I wouldn't want huge dogs due to so much energy, nor would I want arachnids or insects. Or fish because they bore me so it just feels like a total chore to clean the tank. I wouldn't want most birds due to all the noise. Also not interested in blood pythons, as they're notorious for being aggressive. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? Yup. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? I don't think so for either. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Achieve complete financial comfort. If I don't, after how I've grown up, I will be borderline (if not seriously) devastated and disappointed in myself. I also put immense pressure, an amount I know is unhealthy, on myself about losing weight, and if I don't achieve that, I don't know what I'd do. I've worked and still work so hard to. If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? In the beginning of mine and Jason's relationship, it was casually mentioned I didn't want children while he did, but we didn't worry about that at the time as we had a long time to figure that out. I later decided I wanted kids together, anyway... Would you ever believe I wanted three back then???? If you have favorite names or names picked out for your children, where did you learn of the names or when did you fall in love with them? I can't remember where I heard Alessandra, but I immediately thought it was gorgeous. I fell in love with Damien because of fucking Mayor Damien from Who Killed Markiplier? Yes, I would absolutely name my son after a Markiplier character, fight me about it. What is one item that you have recently been coveting? Do you think that you will actually get it? Why/why not? A new laptop more than anything... and soon. Dad's working on it as a Christmas + birthday present. Do you still have both of your parents? They're alive, but divorced. Do you like being sensually bitten? UGGGHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. If you wear eyeliner, what color do you use? Only ever black. How many colors are in your hair right now? One, but with natural highlights and undertones. Do you have your full license yet? No. Working on it. Are you into gory movies? If the gore is a realistic amount. Have you ever been locked in a room forcefully without anyone knowing? No. Do you have the same color eyes as your mother? No. Does your significant other boss you around a lot? No. Have you ever been drunk? If so, do you get drunk regularly? No. Do you consider yourself a loner or a social butterfly? A loner, but I'm sincerely trying to branch out at least some. Have you ever been put to sleep for surgery? Yes. What is your favorite online smiley face to you? I like ;v; but rarely use it because people can't seem to decide if it's an extremely happy and teary face (what I see) or a sad one???? What is something that freaks you out no matter what? OH GOD thought of this because I passed a video of a pregnant sphynx on FB today. I. Cannot. See a fetus moving from the outside of its mother's stomach. It absolutely, thoroughly horrifies me to the point I may scream. It's one of the million reasons, if not the main reason, I never want to be pregnant and why I say pregnancy would likely traumatize me, especially feeling it. Are the lights in your room more dim or bright? I'd say my ceiling lamp is a tad dimmer? Do you take a lot of photos? No. I'd take far more "photography" pictures if I actually had things to and a way to get around... When you were little, did you think band-aids healed everything? Maybe? Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? A completely unrealistic one. I just missed my period one month, I guess out of stress, a change in meds, something like that, and I was panicking that it was a pre-cum pregnancy, even with protection (aka, thin underwear, which sperm can't travel through). I was an anxious mess until my period did come around. Anxiety is fun. Do you have freckles? If so, do you enjoy them or hate them? I don't. Where do you download music from? YouTube. Do you have a laptop, desktop or both? A laptop. If you have a job, do you work with any of your friends? Do you like that job? N/A When did you last look in a mirror? Last time I was in the bathroom. What are you most known for? Probably that I'm very reserved and anxious. What was the last movie you bought for yourself to watch? I don't think I've ever bought a movie myself. If you have any animals, do any of them live in the house with you? They all do. Would you rather have curly or straight hair? Straight. What is one thing you think is gross about the human body? Sweating. Ever make a friendship bracelet for someone? As a kid. Would you say you have extreme morals? "Extreme" seems a bit far, but I have rather strict ones. What have you been made fun of for the most? I've been teased by so many people, family especially, about how I stay on the laptop or am on my phone, and I fucking hate it. Seriously, don't bring it up. I have reasons. Do you watch any television shows from other countries? I don't watch any TV shows currently. Who is your most favorite television/movie villain? Television... probably a character I can't say as their position of being a villain is a massive spoiler of the show. Or Fullmetal Alchemist's Envy, especially in Brotherhood. Movie, Dark Alessa from the first Silent Hill. Have you ever been stabbed by something? A pencil. Maybe other things. Well, do piercings, tattoos, or shots count? How many pillows do you normally sleep with? Two. When you have chocolate, do you eat it room temperature? Or are you like me and stick the bar into the fridge first? I like it room temperature. Chilled doesn't sound all that appealing. What’s the most shocking thing that’s happened in your part of town? Idk, maybe a murder or something? Are there any constellations you recognize just by looking at them? The Little or Big Dipper, idk which is which. Which insect do you find the most beautiful? Butterflies! Do you like gardening? If so, what do you grow? No. Do you enjoy puzzle games? If so, which one’s your favorite? Yeah, probs Sudoku. What is a job you would never in a million years want to do? Teaching, to name just one. What’s the weirdest building in your city? *shrugs* Do you recognize friends’/family’s vehicles by sound? No. Which Disney villain is your favorite? Probably Scar. Or Hades, I loved his character. Which possession would you not want to inherit from a relative? I dunno. Fancy china or some shit I'll never use or break. Is there an ex you think about every day? You know... maybe Jason. Tiny things will trigger quick memories/thoughts about him a lot of days, maybe actually most, I guess as a PTSD thing. He played such a huge part of my life and drastically changed it, so it's hard not to. I don't give him deep thought or anything and they're typically emotionless; just for example, if I heard Motionless In White, my head would immediately connect them to him as his favorite band, then the thought's over. AND I JUST WANNA SHARE BECAUSE I'M PROUD AS FUCK that today was our anniversary date, and this is the first year I feel zero pain or attachment to it. Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? No. What's the worst thing you have ever said to anyone? Probably some evil shit I said in that letter to Dad. Who was the last person to text you before you went to bed last night? Sara. When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? I talked briefly with Girt a few days back. Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? Jason did. Who was the last person to annoy you? My stepmother with the stupid political shit she shares on Facebook. I love her a whole lot, but oh my god. I regret even adding her. Do you have any text messages that you don’t want other people to read? I wouldn't be mortified or anything, but there's some I want private nevertheless. Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time? The laundry room, the first room of the house from the backdoor. There's no AC in there, and because there's a draft with the door, it gets cooooold. What is something that you fear will happen to you in the future? (Also Why) I won't be financially stable. That's all I've known so far, and the stress of it is unbelievable. What criminal (dead or alive) would you like to sit down and talk to and why? None. What is the most interesting documentary have you watched? Meerkat Manor. :') Where is your brother? In Tennessee. Last person you cussed at? At? Not in the presence of? Uh, I think I playfully called a friend/family member a bitch at some point? When did a parent last tell you, you couldn’t do something you wanted to? I was craving a Sonic shake a couple days ago, but Mom didn't wanna drive out that far with low gas. Last time you took a picture? A few days back. Our camellia bush is blooming now, and some of the flowers are falling, and I visualized a beautiful shot looking down at one, but no matter what I did, the damn camera wouldn't focus just enough. This is such a frequent problem that I think something may be wrong with the lens. I cannot wait for new ones. Next time you will see the last person that made you cry? Who was it? Myself, so, lol. Next person that will call you? Likely my dad about our laptop hunt. Last person that was at your house besides family? A delivery guy. How many friends do you have? I don't know who are really my old friends, friends, and true friends nowadays. Few. When were you born? 11:20 or 11:30 A.M., I forget. Who are you closest to in your family? Mom. What program on your computer do you use the most? Chrome. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? Not unless I was in some sort of freak accident. What is your favorite breed of dog? Akita inus or Saint Bernards. Are you a fan of anime? Yeah. What is your favorite kind of cookie? Soft chocolate chunks. Ahhh. Where is your favorite city? I don't have one. Do you get bored easily? Very. What grosses you out the most? The most? Oh man, idk. Probably seeing bones clearly broken and at gnarly angles, or strange bodily shit like botflies being pulled out (I physically refuse to watch things like that), and giant pimple/cyst popping is fucking disgusting. I do NOT understand how some find it satisfying. Or, as mentioned earlier, seeing fetuses move from the outside. Have you ever been to the circus? In elementary school. I don't remember it. What’s the longest word you know? Uhhh, "brobdingnagian?" Do you use teeth whitener? No, but God knows I want to. Do you think war is an acceptable way of solving problems? NO. NO. NO. NO. Were you a bad child when you were younger? No. What is your favorite type of exercise? Swimming. Do you live near any volcanoes? No. Name one word that you always have trouble pronouncing. Almost everyone points out how I put a "d" in "breakfast" after the "k." I have to consciously think in order to not. Tell me something about yourself that you don’t normally tell people. The fact I enjoy RP. Do you have any songs that seem to fit your life perfectly? Perfectly, idk. Have you ever tried “planking”? Oh wow, I forgot about that fad. The exercise form of planking, yes. Do you trust yourself with big responsibilities? Usually not. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? So there's this local dessert place I go to exclusively for their ice cream called "campfire delight" that surpasses any ice cream I've ever had. Out of basic flavors, vanilla. How many people have you truly fallen IN love with? Two. Where was your mom born? Somewhere in New York. Have you ever seen your siblings naked? Well duh as kids. As teens/adults, I think I've seen Ashley like once. Now Nicole, she has no shame and used to walk without a care into the living room to grab clean clothes lmao, and she never cared if I needed to come into the bathroom for whatever if she was in there after she got out of the shower. What can always make you feel better no matter what? Show me that video of Mark witnessing for the first time that "nasa peepo" shit lmao. I will at LEAST smile. What did you last order from a restaurant? A double cheeseburger and fries. And what restaurant was that from? McDonald's. Did you ever really believe in the tooth fairy? Yes. Would you ever get your legs waxed? Likely not. Are you listening to music right now? "Roots" by In This Moment. When was the last time somebody hit on you? lul Sara yesterday, I think. Was the last person you met a male or female? Uhhh who was the last person I met. I really don't know. Which one of your friends do you feel most comfortable around? Sara. Do you own a map of the world? No. Who did you last spoon with? Sara. Does your family eat dinner together? No. When eating string cheese, do you dive right in or just peel it? I don't like string cheese. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Nothing works for me. Do you know how to take screen shots on your computer? Yeah. Do you have a blister anywhere on your body? No. Do you remember what your last fortune cookie said? No, but I think I recall thinking it was stupid. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. What do you think of off-brand soda? Doesn't bother me. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Usually hot. Do you grit your teeth a lot? No. Do you like to swing? Ye. How about jumping on a trampoline? Haven't done that in years, and it would probably wreck my knees. Do you have long arm hair? No. Is your hair healthy? Very. How often do you wash your hair? I have to every time I shower unless I want it greasy, so every other day or sometimes one more. Do you love Family Guy, or hate it? It doesn't bother me. Do you like kids? I don't hate them, but being around them long enough tests me. How often do you like to have sex? Sara and I aren't at that point yet, so I can't really say. If I'm still the same, Jason and I did so every few days, and if I didn't see him in like, almost a week, I'd definitely want it. Do you throw shit under your bed? No. Do you like Dairy Queen? Sure. Have you ever actually drank warm milk? Ew, no. Do you prefer to have milk when you eat cakes/cookies? Every once in a while for cookies. What is your preferred brand of chocolate? Ohhhhhh I can't remember its name. It's one of the "fancier" kinds. Do you like white chocolate? No, too sweet. Are there any movies/shows you’ve seen so many times you’re sick of them? I don't think so. What about songs you’ve heard so many times you hate them? Not hate. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah, as a kid, and here in the South, there's also this tasty treat called snow cream that you make with fresh snow. Are there any metals that turn your skin green? Silver. Do you know anybody who gets feminism confused with misandry? BOY DO I Do you talk to your pets? Seriously curious, does anyone not? When you do, is your tone different from when you talk to humans? Usually. Do you like using terms of endearment? Yes. Describe yourself with 3 fictional characters. Okay so I'mma actually think here... HA FIRST I am the Actual Eric Derekson, Max Caulfield (tho I give myself just enough credit that I am not that cringey), and Katniss Everdeen, if I remember her well enough (and I only read the first book/saw the first movie). Are there any numbers you dislike for any reason? No. Do you own/wear any jumpsuits? No. Have you ever adopted a stray? (Cat or dog) Cats, plenty. What’s a movie you think more people should see? Idk. Do you read about any mythology? (Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptian, etc) Haven't since high school, but I'm very interested in it. If you do, do you have any favorite gods/goddesses? Maybe Artemis. Do you think it’s prettier when the moon is full, or a crescent? Full. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Does the Kennedy Space Center qualify? Have you grown to dislike your first email address? Lol, I'll admit it's embarrassing when I have to give it out. Have you ever gotten angry at an employee and complained to the manager? No. What songs bring back happy memories for you? "Closer" by The Chainsmokers, "Leavin'" by Jesse McCartney, "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen, "All Time Low" by Jon Bellion, "Caroline" by Aminé, "I'm Not A Vampire" by Falling In Reverse, a few Billy Joel songs, a lot of old Train songs, "Let Me Hear You Scream" by Ozzy... a lot. Are there any smells that bring back happy memories? Probably? Oh, pancakes and sausage or bacon cooking, for one. I just remember the occasional times as a kid Mom would make breakfast.

[bryanllamado]

How the Quarantine Affected Me

Hi there, reader slash blog visitor! We’re down to the last week of November and soon, it’ll be the Holiday season. I recently celebrated my birthday and I’ve seen people flock to malls. But as much as I delight in seeing ~some things~ go back to normal, it also bothers me how people seem to have forgotten that there is STILL a pandemic. Don’t get me wrong– I still want to celebrate Christmas, but in a safe manner. It also makes me anxious that people will be too comfortable “going out” as soon as the holiday rush sets in. How will Christmas in the #NewNormal be celebrated?

For today’s entry, (as seen in the title) I’ll be talking about how the quarantine affected me. I wanted to write this entry weeks ago, but I don’t think I’m in the right headspace to do so. So yeah, in this entry I’ll be listing down some of the changes that I have observed in me ever since the quarantine started more than 8 months ago. It’s so unlikely for the majority to be stuck at home and far from the old way of living that we all had. What’s even more saddening is that we don’t know when this will all end. *shrugs*

As soon as WHO declared ‘it’ as a global pandemic, classes in the local areas were initially suspended. I had a bad feeling about it and so I took home all of my teaching resources and started working on the quarterly exams and final grades. Eventually, the school year prematurely ended without a formal culmination – no graduation, year-end event, etc. The summer (which did not seem like an actual summer) began soon after and the quarantine protocols became stricter and stricter. It led to the temporary closure of establishments, loss of jobs, and sadly, the increase in the number of cases.

With that being said, let me give you my list of the changes this 9-month long quarantine has brought me.

The Quarantine Made Me Socially, Morally, and Politically Aware.

During the years prior, I had this constant discomfort with bad governance and ill-conceived policies. Once a law or a public servant steps over one or any of my values, I would feel the need to express my opinions but I would also be too afraid to stand up for it as some people may tell me that I’m too young to get involved. But now that I’m an adult and a teacher by profession, I feel the need to speak up – not only for me, but also for those who can’t speak for themselves. Furthermore, if I can amplify their voices and use my platform to raise awareness, I will.

I’ve been constantly disheartened by the things that happened while we were under a strict quarantine– workers lost jobs, people got arrested, businesses shut down, and frontliners got sick. It’s plain to see that the pandemic response of the country was derailed from the get go, and you can tell it by the lack of massive testing, insufficient contact tracing, and faulty protocols. Now, here we are– still stuck in our homes and the risk of getting sick is still there. The situation could have been better had we employed preventive measures– flight bans, medical solutions, and isolation among others. The elected officials owe the public a competent leadership and comprehensive plans.

The Quarantine Made Me Check My Privileges

Yes, you read it right! Talking about privileges, I, for one, did not come from an affluent background, but I have always had my needs in check– tuition fees, new clothes from time to time, 3 or more full meals per day, and a quite comfortable home. I may not have all the things I want, but I’m definitely privileged compared to other Filipinos who suffered severely since the lockdown started. I acknowledge that fact, so as soon as donation drives surfaced, I started donating small amounts to certain causes. If I can spend money on shopping and pricey drinks, I definitely have the money to support those who are in need.

With the recent typhoons that hit the country, I became very vocal on social media about how I support relief operations and donation drives. I may not be personally there to help, but I know I can still provide assistance from afar. Despite my efforts to support these causes, this does not mean that I did not experience financial difficulties during the ECQ. Just like what I said, the school year prematurely ended in March, but I believe we were supposed to work until the first week of April. I know that my struggle is nothing compared to what other people experienced, and that’s the reason why I’m using my privilege for good.

The Quarantine Made Me Process My Emotions and Assess My Mental Health

If you’re someone from my circle, you would know that I’m an escapist. I hate facing problems, addressing my emotions, and dealing with confrontations. It does not mean that I’m in denial of the problem, it’s just that I despise addressing them because what’s the point? People care but not enough to apologize or change the behavior that hurt me in the first place. Or at least that’s how I used to think. The quarantine helped me process my emotions and I went through some of the deepest scars that I used to cover up. It was liberating, but emotionally exhausting as well.

I’m still an escapist, but I use escaping for better reasons this time. I use it as a thinking time, a processing period for me to realize where I went wrong and how I want to solve situations. I have gotten over my “what if’s” and “could have been’s” over the lockdown. I’ve made peace with my past, and I’m currently dealing with what’s in front of me– my present demons. I needed that release, and the quarantine gave me sooo much time to do it. I must say that I’m handling things better, and even if I escape the situation, I come back with a definite solution in mind.

The Quarantine Made Me Decide that I’m Too Old for Some Things

TikTok? I don’t know her. HAHA! Let’s go to something light and quite positive this time. I know there have been A LOT of trends that came up when everyone was stuck at home, and I’m quite horrified by the things that people can do out of boredom. Oh well, most of friends have succumbed to the craze. Then, there’s me– the one untouched. HAHA! I just decided I’m too old to dance in front of my phone, take a video of myself, and share it on that app. Can I just say how hard I cringe at myself in videos? Ugh. #nevertried lol

The Quarantine Made Me Rest and Take a Break from the Old Normal Lifestyle

Quite frankly, I used to splurge a lot on food during the old normal, which I still do, but now it’s in moderation. Aside from that, I shopped regularly and buy unnecessary things to compensate for the times when I felt like I lacked in material things. Isn’t it so unhealthy? But how was I supposed to know at that time, when I was working so hard day and night, and the only thing that validates my hard work is when I see my hard earned money go somewhere? In this case, it goes into food and shopping items. *insert my friends’ constant advice for me to stop spending*

Looking at it now, the way I used to “live” was so unsustainable. A friend used to say, “You never know when the next economic crisis it going to happen.” And it just did, right at the start of the new decade that we were all looking forward to. It made me realize how valuable money is, and that it should be in places where it will grow in quantity and in value. But here I am, once again, circling back to the old lifestyle. I guess it’s me searching for a sense of normalcy and validation as I’ve been working from home for the past 4 months. All I can say this time is “send help.” *note sarcasm*

So there, this is where the list ends… for now. We’re still stuck in quarantine so I guess the list will go on until we fully win against this pandemic. I’ve been so busy lately that I didn’t even realize how near Christmas is. Well, the rush is slowly setting in, and the guidelines for the Christmas celebration for this year was already released a couple of days ago. Let me remind you to stay safe and vigilant all the time. Practice social distancing as much as you can and stay at home unless it’s for essential business. I know we are all craving for the usual Christmas celebrations like Simbang Gabi, Christmas carols, and parties.

But trust me, we’ll all have that when this is all over. For now, we’ll have to celebrate in the #NewNormal way. We may not be rejoicing in the same manner, but the reason to make merry is still the same. This may not be a good year for some, but there is something good and something to be thankful for if look enough to find them. Or actually, we don’t have to look elsewhere. The mere fact that we are still here, thriving despite being under challenging situations, is enough to be thankful for. Advance merry Christmas everyone and don’t forget to wear a mask!

Till the next entry!

Bry. x 112120

[frilly-axolotl]

Six Kind of Love

AGAIN!

So, because it’s taking me so long to write even the next chapter, I haven’t much hope of getting the extras out (mainly centred on Chris’ and Phichit’s story) any time soon. I figured I would just create a little post here for those of you who follow me here :P There are other things, such as Otabek’s story, that will definitely be in the main story, so I won’t talk about those.

Might be a long post, so see under the cut for a basic explanation of how Chris came to live with Viktor, and a little about how the Chris/Phichit relationship develops.

Chris is only 15 when he’s bought by Isaak and Matvei. He was a young dancer attending local competitions in Switzerland when he was caught, which just so happened to be where Isaak and Matvei were vacationing. This effectively ties up a loophole that some of you may not see yet XD 

He is only with Isaak and Matvei for around 6 weeks when Matvei (who has since been demoted) is called into a meeting with Mr. Nikiforov (Viktor’s father) at his home. Isaak tags along and brings Chris so he’s not bored waiting for Matvei to finish in the meeting. This is where Viktor and Chris meet for the first time. Viktor is 17 at this point, and is just coming inside after having a fun time with Makkachin (who is still young) outside. He hears Isaak, and he hears Chris’ protests, and decides “NOT IN MY HOUSE”. He kind of pulls off a petulant teenager thing by saying something along the lines of “everything in my house belongs to me so I’ll take him until you leave”. It’s honestly a load of BS, but Isaak is hardly gonna argue with Mr. Nikiforov’s son, is he? Especially not when Viktor’s bodyguard, Yakov, is looming in the doorway.

Thus, their friendship kind of begins. They don’t see each other often at first, because Isaak stops going to Mr. Nikiforov’s with Chris after the first time Viktor takes him away. But then Viktor asks his dad if he can just MAKE Isaak and/or Matvei bring Chris, which he does because Viktor’s dad can never say no to Viktor and is pretty disgusted with slavery himself. So every time Matvei comes over, so does Chris, and he and Viktor spend time just watching movies and playing video games. You know, doing things friends do. They communicate mostly in French as this is Chris’ mother tongue and Viktor wants to improve his skills in the language, but sometimes in English just ‘cause. For a while, this seems like it’s enough. In fact, for two years, this feels like enough.

But then one day, there’s a party. Everyone is there. It’s only around 3 days after Chris and Viktor have last seen each other. And Viktor learns just how harsh Isaak is with Chris after the two of them have been hanging out (though Isaak doesn’t know they’re just hanging out). And he’s sickened. Even more sickened when he sees firsthand how Isaak treats Chris, but there’s nothing he can do because this isn’t his house. At least not right away.

Midway through the party, Viktor storms up to his father and demands that the man buy Chris for him, because enough is enough, he can’t keep letting this happen to his friend. Mr. Nikiforov wants to say no, because Viktor, you can’t let your heart bleed for every slave you see. There are going to be a lot of unpleasant things you see in this job, slavery being one of the more tame things. If HE bought every slave he felt bad for, he’d have a house over-flowing with people. But Viktor, now 19, begs and cries and promises he’ll never ask for anything like this again, because this isn’t just ‘some slave’, this is Chris, this is his friend.

Mr. Nikiforov drags Isaak and Matvei aside, writes a check for triple what they paid for Chris, and tells them Chris won’t be going home with them that night.

Chris moves into Mr. Nikiforov’s house with Viktor as soon as the party ends. When Viktor turns 22, they move out and into Viktor’s own property. For Chris’ 20th birthday, Viktor takes him out and gets him a fluffy white kitten, and at night, they go to a strip club as per Chris’ request. The next day, Chris declares that they need to set up a pole somewhere because he wants to try it out after seeing it last night. Viktor slyly remarks that it couldn’t POSSIBLY have anything to do with the handsome bartender whose name was Musumi, right?

Chris starts working out and training hard. It’s not easy given his status, but he and Musumi have a brief relationship that lasts around 6 months. The pole-dancing (and the subsequent job he got where Musumi works because of his talents) helps him reclaim his confidence and his sexuality. It’s important to note that Chris doesn’t actually get paid for his job (unless he’s getting tips), but he does it because he likes it. After Chris and Musumi break up, Chris continues to work there (two nights every two weeks), and the pair of them remain on good terms.

Fast-forward a year. Chris is given the option of staying home or joining Viktor and his father in America to handle some foreign business affairs. Chris is PUMPED for America, baby. It’s all well and good, they have fun until the business starts.

That’s the night Chris notices all the Thai kids being escorted through the docks in cuffs. He catches the eye of one of them, a small boy who looks young, whose eyes are wide and terrified. Chris’ throat closes up, he tells Viktor he feels sick. Viktor glances over too, feeling just as ill. There’s nothing they can do though.

Then the boy Chris locked eyes with escapes, somehow. The slavers are all shouting at each other in English, and they catch the escapee within seconds. The boy is babbling in his own language, Chris sees the knife drawn from twenty feet away, he panics, and Viktor calls out telling everyone to STOP. Viktor approaches the group, asking how much they’d take for the runaway right now. They shove the Thai boy hard right into Viktor’s arms and take not a penny, because they don’t want this kind of wild behaviour from their slaves.

The boy - the CHILD, Chris realises - isn’t much older than Chris was those years ago. He’s terrified, apparently doesn’t speak a word of English, and can’t understand it much better. He keeps his arms wrapped around himself, eyes fixed firmly to the ground, as Viktor guides him around with a gentle hand.

When they all get back to the hotel, a spacious suite on the top floor, Viktor digs out some of his own pyjamas for the new kid. Mr. Nikiforov shakes his head as he and Yakov sit down to enjoy a glass of wine. Viktor orders room service and tries to give the boy food, but the boy eyes it warily and doesn’t touch it. Viktor re-covers it and leaves it on one of the bedside tables. When Viktor shows the boy the bathroom and the shower, the boy slams the door in Viktor’s face and locks it. Chris feels a lump in his throat.

The Nikiforovs and Yakov go back out to finish dealing with business, leaving Chris alone with the new boy. Chris has the genius idea of using his phone to translate into Thai. The translations are shaky, but it seems to get the message across, because the boy showers and comes out of the bathroom an hour later dressed in Viktor’s too-large pyjamas. Chris has already peeled the covers back on one of the beds, and is tying on his phone to suggest the boy might like to sleep, but the boy is already IN the bed and has yanked the covers up over his head. All Chris can see is a shaking lump.

The lump is talking. It’s mostly in Thai, but he hears a couple of words in English. “Home” and “please”. There’s a word that sounds a lot like “meh” Chris keeps catching, and he’s sure it means “mother”, and he can’t help it when he sits down next to the boy.

It takes a long time. Almost all night. Chris uses Google Translate to the best of his abilities to discover that this boy is named Phichit and he is barely 16. Chris tries his best to reassure him, but with the language barrier, it’s hard. When the Nikiforovs return, Phichit is terrified all over again, and Chris finds himself sliding beneath the sheets alongside him, holding his hand and trying to comfort.

Phichit doesn’t trust Chris at first, but at the same time, he latches on. Never leaves Chris’ side even after they’re all back in Russia. Viktor invests in English lessons for Phichit, and bless him, he’s a fast learner. Through a combination of the lessons, watching movies, reading books, and real conversations, Phichit pick up the language easily.

As time goes on, Phichit starts to come out of his shell. He goes from being timid and nervous to being loud and bright, energetic, affectionate. Chris cares for him deeply, which is something that will develop into something else when Phichit is older. Viktor takes Phichit home to Thailand to see his mother. Chris goes too. Phichit is scrolling through YouTube one day when he first discovers hamsters. By next month, he has five of them.

Phichit becomes a light for Chris when Chris has bad days. When Phichit is 21, the pair of them become something more. It’s Christmas day (something that Chris insisted they all celebrate, even if it’s not the done thing in Russia OR Thailand). It’s kind of an accident. A little too much champagne, Phichit being just a little too bright, and Chris showing a little too much skin. Their kiss, though, is innocent. Sweet.

It continues like that. Sometimes they get a little friskier, but most of the time, things remain PG-13. They’re taking it slow, neither wanting to push the other. And they’re keeping it quiet. In their lives, when Viktor knows every single little thing, it’s nice to have this secret just for them. They’ll tell him one day.

For now, though, they have two new residents - both with the same name - to worry about.

[advancewars2]

Was tagged by @alkalinerock for a 50 questions thing. These take long as fuck on mobile so I likely went to bed after making this

1. What takes up too much of your time? Not doing health things or active hobbies like learning to draw or music

2. What makes your day better? Any of the above things getting done.

3. What is the best thing that happened to you today? Just hung out with a couple buds, watched anime and some DC movies

4. What fictional place would you like to go? Gonna be real, most fictional places don’t seem too fun when you think about them for more than a minute. Although I guess a village in like stardew valley or animal crossing would be chill even though I’m not huge into those games.

5. Are you good at giving advice? I want to think I am for how much I talk but I have never seen my advice followed or have someone say it worked. I would honestly prefer no one followed my advice.

6. Do you have a mental illness? Don’t know if adhd counts but I got it. I have been off meds for it for years now and can function good in school and work it’s just getting a handle on focusing my free time that is my latest challenge. I really want to get in better shape and manage proper hobbies but it so much easier to get caught in idle watching or scrolling.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Yes! No demons though

8. What musician inspires you the most? He’s not one of my favorites but I think Childish Gambino. I remember watching his sketches when I was in middle school and he was just on YouTube and then seeing him grow through every medium that I loved into a fully realized artist and actor.

9. Have you ever fallen in love? Negative

10. What’s your dream date? Something that’s just fun for me and the specific person I’m with. Like some people have museum energy, late talk energy, night on the town energy etc. depends

11. What do others notice about you? It may seem weird but a compliment I’ve gotten often is that I smell nice which is reassuring and worrying cause my smell is the thing I’m the most self conscious about. My sense of smell is abysmal, I’ve been in sports and band for most of my life, and I work in a meat room so I have a lot of chances to smell rank as hell.

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? When we kept bottled water around I chewed the plastic caps. I’ve always chewed ice but at least that melts.

13. Do you still talk to your first love? Where she at?

14. How many exes do you have? 0

15. How many songs are in your playlist? I don’t really have a single playlist. Just a bunch of albums but Spotify says like 2000 + songs which I’m sure isn’t accurate cause I remove stuff

16. What instruments can you play? Just trumpet and I don’t feel like I’ve applied myself enough in the time I’ve had it.

17. What do you have the most pictures of? My pets I think

18. Where would you like to go before you die? I don’t really know

19. What’s your zodiac? Virgo

20. Do you relate to it? I don’t think anyone can. They’re so broad in their definition and scope that I’ve read so many things about them that I say “yeah that’s me” until I realize “literally everyone would want to say this about themselves”. We are the most biased in our own favor when we least expect and the scary part is when we are trying to be unbiased we are cruel to ourselves.

21. What is happiness to you? A web of support

22. Are you going through anything right now? Just trying to graduate and general 20 something anxieties

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? The problem here is I am pretty far beyond a lot of my decisions that I would call bad that changing them now would alter a lot of good things about myself and my life. Regret is not a feeling that stays with me for long unless I hurt someone.

24. What’s your favorite store? Movie and record stores

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? Choice

26. Do you keep a bucket list? Not really

27. Do you have a favorite album? Madvillainy

28. What do you want for your birthday? My friends to come to the cookout I’m having and me being willing to cook for it

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? I don’t have a way of knowing this. Most people’s only first impressions of anyone are “this is just a person” or “I don’t like them”

30. What age do you seem according to most? Older than I am by like 2 years but I still get carded???

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? Floor

32. What word do you say the most? Not a clue

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 30. I’ll say older ages but I don’t think anything meaningful would come from a gap that big

34. What’s the youngest you would date? My age or older.

35. What job or career would you say suits you the most? A thing that bothers me the most is that I’ve done a good job at most jobs I’ve had and would honestly just want something that’ll keep me busy during the day and focus me while also allowing me to live comfortably.

36. What’s your favorite music genre? I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of so many of them

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? Idk. Whole worlds kind of nutty and not knowing a native language scares me (fuck right off England I’m not going). I think I’m fine here.

38. What is your current favorite song? Jesus forgive me, I am a Thot by JPEGMAFIA

39. How long have you had this blog? Like 6 years

40. What are you excited for? To make progress toward getting career ready and really starting my adult life. Wanna try new stuff

41. Are you a better talker or listener? I try to listen but I always worry I’m stepping on peoples talking points or circling the convo back to me so I’ll say I’m a better talker.

42. What was the last productive thing you did? Put gas in my car

43. What do you want for Christmas? My bills paid and maybe a record or a nice hoodie

44. What class do you get the best grades in? After middle school I kind of just slipped into maintaining a steady pace of average in every subject.

45. On a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling rn? 8

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? Maybe living in a new city. Definitely doing something in my field. Maybe I would’ve gotten bold enough to try and really break into entertainment.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Have not experienced that yet

48. What age do you want to get married? No clue. I really don’t like formalities and I would hope whoever I end up with feels the same.

49. What career did you want to have as a child? Marine biologist

50. What do you crave right now? Just organic conversation with friends. I’m going back to school soon and some are already moving away for grad school and life.

This was fun. Don’t wanna tag anyone cause this a long but you can say I tagged you and maybe I’ll read yours!