#and by spooky I mean that I think nationalism is a plague on all our houses

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

What do you think Napoleon would feel about the Le Pens? Like I know he’d hate their guts but the extent 👀

God fuck the Le Pens. I feel dirty thinking about them. (Though weirdly funny that Marine kicked her dad out of FN. Like you know you’re too deep down the rabbit hole of fuckery when Marine kicks you out. [and yeah, of course it’s all part of her image cleaning up gimmick. Wherein I’m sure she thinks the same as him, but is trying to “soften” the image of the party. And, based on the last election, it’s working. So that’s horrifying.]) All this to say: fuck the Le Pens; white supremacy etc. 

Anyway - assuming we’re still going for “Napoleon from 1815 woke up August 22, 2020″ base for our thought experiments here. 

Overall, yeah he’d think them short sighted, idiotic, and would probably have some elegant-yet-crude insults for them in Corsican. Let us take a brief, and not at all comprehensive, stroll down the Le Pens (and FN by default)’s terrible policies. Then I can scrub my brain out because they are absolutely foul people. 

behind a cut because it’s long. 

Economics: First off, Napoleon and I are the same in that we neither know anything about economics. He did not have a firm grasp on how the economy worked. Which I sympathise with, because it seems very fake and made up. 

Anyway, he did a lot of modernization, raised taxes, created a lot of public works programs to stimulate the economy and improve connectivity (gotta build all the roads and canals. Actually though, as a public infrastructure keener, I support this). He did lay the foundation for the centralized bank of France. (Something Biddle would get all hot and bothered over. Nothing sexier than centralized banks.)

Napoleon also introduced a whole loan system for businesses to try and keep them afloat and improve local industry. He was keen on protecting property rights, um, tried to regulate the currency to protect it against inflation. Idk, he did other things that I’m not going to get into. 

Comparing Napoleon’s hot economic takes from 1815 to 2020? A bit hard. So I’m going to guestimate on this. 

I think, once he understood how the world functions now, he would be pro-globalization and the various free trade agreements that are in place (CETA, PCAs etc). He might disagree with details therein, but the broad philosophy is one I think he’d support. 

I don’t know if he would be pro-single currency. I suspect he might be anti-the Euro, while still supporting the broad intents of the EU. 

He would support a strong public sector - so government controlled postal service, utilities, schools etc. In that, and the anti-Euro view, he would align with Marine, at least. Not sure about her POS father. 

No idea what his views on the Havana Charter would be. Probably mixed. 

EU: I’ve touched on this before, I think Napoleon would be pro-EU, over all. He’d just think France should be the hegemonic power. Why isn’t France making all the decisions? This is dumb. Who does Germany think they are? Etc. Therefore, he would disagree with the Le Pens who think the EU is the anti-christ and the cause of everything bad that ever happened in France (I exaggerate, but they do blame the EU for a lot of things so you know, it’s not that much of a stretch).

Immigration: This is where they would diverge significantly. Like apples and moldy toast kind of different. I’ve touched on Napoleon’s immigration policy before, so I’m not going to wade into it again. But yeah, needless to say Napoleon would be like “let everyone come. They want to come to France? They are French. More is better. The end.” 

The only thing is, he was very pro-assimilation. Not really into the “patchwork quilt” approach to the philosophy (and implementation) of multiculturalism. Which, to be fair, is a very modern view and not something I would expect anyone from 1815 to agree with, or consider a general good approach to dynamic, multicultural societies. 

But yeah, the Le Pens whole moratorium on immigration, hatred of anyone foreign, that would be an anathema to Napoleon. He would vehemently disagree with that stance. Napoleon believed alloys were stronger. You took different people, boiled them down, and melded them into a unified French identity. That was his Hot Take on the matter. Again, pro-assimilation, which is an inherently conservative stance by 21st century standards, but a very average stance by early 19th century standards. His immigration and citizenship views were overall liberal for the time. 

Indeed, the whole creation of a unified French identity was in its infancy during his life. He contributed heavily to it, but for his lifetime, identity was strongly linguistic and regional. You’re Gascon before you’re French, you’re Basque before you’re either French or Spanish, that sort of thing. 

And of course, his views on this were heavily informed by his own experience and identity as a Frenchman and how it was received, or not, by his own people, as well as other monarchs and countries. (Tsar Alexander liked to brag that he spoke better French than the Emperor of France. And I believe the Times once called Napoleon a “Mediterranean mongrel.” Charming. So, he had a fun and exciting adventure in European class, ethnic and racial politics of the early 19th century.)

Napoleon would also disagree with the Le Pens that citizenship and nationality are indivisible. He was into the whole “if you decide you are French then you are French, no matter which side of the Rhine you were born on”. 

Secularism: They’d actually probably mostly agree on this. In that religion has no part or place in government and there should be a clear and strong separation of church and state. 

The banning of religious clothing, though, I don’t think Napoleon would support that. I would argue that he’d think it infringed on personal rights too much, and he was keen on protecting those. Like, his policy towards integrating France’s Jewish population was to try and assimilate them, yes, because he viewed everything as being consumed by the monolith that was the French Empire. But he wasn’t like “no wearing a tallit or kippah.”

Abortion: Guys, Napoleon is a culturally Catholic man from 1815 who thought women’s crowing jewel were her children and that France really needed to increase its overall population. I think we can all figure out what his views on abortion would be. Marine is pro-legality of abortion, but she personally is like “it’s eViL and a serious MoRaL IsSuE” etc. 

Gay Rights: Napoleon’s whole political approach was to bring in the people on the margins and normalize them (assimilate; one of us, one of us) as a means to increase the base of the population who would support him. As he viewed marriage as a strictly secular, civil ceremony, and not a religious one, there could be a possibility of slowly talking him around to it. That said, he also viewed marriage as a declaration of intent to make many babies (for his army). I don’t think he’d be pro-queer couples adopting, no matter what. So, who knows. 

That said, he wasn’t like “lock up the gays”. And as gay marriage is established in France currently, I don’t know if he’d be pro-abolition since it’s mostly a popular/accepted law and he was all about that sweet, sweet public approval rating. 

So if he came around to it, it wouldn’t be for altruistic reasons. At the same time, he wouldn’t be like “make it illegal”. He was very “w/e just show up to work on time Cambaceres, jesus.” (Cambaceres: It’s midnight, sire. This isn’t normal work hours. Napoleon: SAYS WHO???) 

Women in Politics: Well he’s obviously 100% against that. Ladies belong at home with the bebes. Le Pens, obviously, aren’t. Though Jean, I think, is like Trump where he’s pro his daughter being in politics (until she chucked him out of FN), but he would expect his wife to be a Proper Housewife. That weird conservative man thing about the role of wives and daughters. 

-

There’s my fly-over guestimation of Napoleon v Le Pens

It’s very, very hard to figure out what Napoleon, a man born in 1769 and died in 1821, would think about politics, economics and society in 2020. I tried to gauged based on his broad, philosophical views and how he acted as ruler. But he was also someone who was very analytical and would be capable of understanding the world as it is today and the realities that are in place. He might find them off putting or bizarre (ladies as heads of states?? what about your children??) but he was an imminently pragmatic man who would look at a situation and go “alright, this is the reality of the system and society I am now in” and would adjust himself accordingly. 

In the end, trying to figure out how a man from 1815 would react to today’s politics is very difficult, if not outright impossible. His understanding of what liberal meant, what conservative meant, etc. were so different to our understanding that I would never place him in one camp. He had changing, dynamic views, and that would be reflected in his understanding of politics in 2020. 

Overall, I think he would disagree with a lot of the stances of the Le Pens. Would he hate them? No. Because Napoleon didn’t really hate people based on their political views. He saw too much of the Revolution to go for extreme personal reactions to political stances; also he was too much a pragmatist and understood that you never know who might be an ally in the future. 

Napoleon might look down on the Le Pens, he might find them personally disgusting, he might view them as stupid (honestly, he’d probably just think they’re dumb and quickly move on), but he wouldn’t hate them. 

-

Because this is tumblr, I must now declare my political stance because I was too calm in most of that assessment. 

1. Fuck the Le Pens & Front Nationale 

2. Nationalism is spooky and I am always suspect when it comes up in political discourse in the year of our lord 2020 

3. I am bi and non-binary, which isn’t actually a political stance (or a personality), but tumblr is Like That so I thought I’d include it. 

4. I support: lgbtq rights; trans rights; universal health care; easy and open access to education; improved access to education at primary school levels (because that’s a huge impact on people); ACAB; separation of church and state; prison reform/some form of abolishment - I’m still thinking through my views on this and how it should be approached; land back; Aboriginal and Treaty Rights; immigration; no more kids in cages jesus christ; don’t drink bleach; democracy is good, punch fascists etc. etc. 

[theparanormalperiodical]

The Real Story Behind The Babadook (2014), And 17 Weirdest Bogeymen From Around The World That Might Be Hiding Under Your Bed Right Now

Strange times we live in.

It’s a Saturday night, and I’m hauled up at home eating a vegetarian lasagne whilst my mother asks me for the 37th time why I’ve decided to give up meat, when really, if there was no global pandemic, I’d be hauled up at home eating a vegetarian lasagne whilst my mother asks me for the 37th time why I’ve decided to give up meat.

It really is a strange time we live in.

But, in my attempt to protect the vulnerable groups in society and halt the spread of the latest Twitter hashtag in its tracks, I decided to catch up on the horror films hadn’t found the time to press play on just yet.

So, a bucket of popcorn and some mild trauma later, I could finally join in the conversation about The Babadook.

6 years too late.

Nevertheless! Once I’d emotionally recovered, I finally had my Sex And The City moment. No, not the ones with feminism that would make Emilline Pankhurst perform the equivalent of a Viennese Waltz in her grave - the one where Carrie sits in her NYC apartment and thinks about men at her computer.

“I couldn’t help but wonder: could the Babadook be based on a true story? ”

Unfortunately, I discovered that the Babadook is based on the concept of the boogeyman, an urban legend that has a greater global reach than Covid-19. 

So, to distract you from the global pandemic with the threat of a creature lurking under your bed and waiting to snatch an ankle, I thought I’d let you in on the reality behind this queer icon.

First, let’s talk ‘bout The Babadook.

It was one of the biggest hits of the 2010s, combining the classic trope of creepy children with the classic colour palette of depression. Our story follows a single mother and her son who begins to be visited by an imaginary creature fresh from the pages of a children’s book.

With spiky talon-like hands, a cloaked figure, a jaw crammed full of teeth, a face paler than that time you bought that foundation on a whim in TK Maxx - all crowned with a dusty hat - the Babadook the child was seeing certainly had a sense of style.

The child, Sam, begins to create intricate traps and weapons designed to stop the Babadook, all the while the book predicts the mother’s rather dark future. It becomes clear that the Bababook is preying on the mother and essentially possessing her, a diagnosis that is confirmed when the mother attempts to kill Sam.

She then regurgitates a black inky substance evocative of ectoplasm, and is released from its grip. 

The film ends on the happy family feeding the Babadook as it lives in their basement.

This indie horror - once it had finished polishing the 5 awards on it’s mantelpiece - might have woven a intricate plot deviating from the simple basis of international man of mystery James Bond The Boogeyman, but the basis still sticks out more than that wardrobe in the corner of your bedroom you’re now highly conscious of.

Simply put, the Babadook matches the basic concept of the boogeyman:

There’s some weird, dark creature that knicks kids and eats ‘em if they wander alone or don’t go to bed or misbehave. Just like Krampus, the bogeyman is a legend propagated by parents to convince kids to stay in line.

That being said, the mythical creature isn’t the only inspo behind this cinema-hit.

Specifically, the brains behind the film, Jennifer Kent, claimed it was about a deep-rooted fear we all have: that of going mad. On top of this, it seeks to show parenting from a real perspective.

The film focuses on a single mother as she faces one of the most difficult challenges in life: she loses her husband whilst going to give birth to her son, and then has to raise him alone. But that is not all.

Kent also spoke of a real encounter with the bogeyman. 

Basics, her bestie’s son was being plagued by an imaginary monster, so she pretended to talk to it to calm his concerns. Sure, this tale might not have kickstarted the real terror engaged with in this movie, but it invited us into the reality behind the bogeyman.

But beyond this, the movie also detracts from the Babadook, and instead looks for the primal instincts in the mother - it looks for the bogeyman within us all.

That’s right - the real horror that was inside us all along.

Yawn.

But the thing is, it also brings up hell of a lot of paranormal activity that is remarkably accurate to theories of the supernatural.

      Let’s start with the introduction of the Babadook.

He arrives in the form of a creepy children’s book no one’s seen or heard of. Armed with a chilling nursery rhyme and an aesthetic last seen in 2007, the Babadook follows the basic principles of a basic haunting: ghost does spooky stuff, ghost spooks humans, humans invite it in following the consent laws of the universe by interacting with it, ghost spooky powers intensify.

This begins with the book itself. Although the film doesn’t consider if he is a paranormal being aligning with the concept of demons and spirits (etc.), this book follows the concept of haunted objects.

By opening the book and reading it - or, interacting with it - they invite in the Babadook. And when she tries to destroy it, it crops up again, fully intact and conveniently lying on her doorstep.

No ‘sorry we missed you card’ needed.

This closely follows the theory of the haunted object, something more on-trend than tutting at empty shelves in the grocery store. Haunted objects have a habit of failing to be destroyed, and by engaging with them, such as not asking permission for taking a picture of a haunted doll, you enter communication with them.

From there, you’ve basically consented to a full possession. The object is a vessel for a spirit or a demon until a new, better, breathing vessel can be found.

You can find out more about this here.

I can’t find anything about haunted books specifically online, but as a variety of haunted objects exist, from bunk beds to boxes, I’m sure there’s potential for it.

     Next is the eventual possession of the mother.

One of the most dramatic moments we witness is when the mother coughs up this black bile which represents the removal of the Babadook. This bears a striking resemblance to ectoplasm, a white liquid often released by those experiencing intense paranormal activity.

When mediums experience a trance-like state, they supposedly release a fabric-like or thick substance that darkens as physic energy is intensified. It allows those in the supernatural realm to interact with the physical realm, and for spirits to represent themselves to the audience of a seance.

This film was one of the first to explore the potential paranormal explanations behind the bogeyman, and give some basis to a beast that has haunted communities since the beginning of time.

Speaking of the beast…

Who is the bogeyman?

It’s sometime in the 1500s.

We are in the middle of a small country called England, struggling to make ends meet between the near constant famine, the anxiety of being cursed by a witch, or some war with [insert european nation that may or may not exist anymore].

Either way, when we aren’t trying to spell everything with an ‘e’ at the end, we are being taunted by hobgoblins.

These pesky beasts made their name in tormenting Englishmen, playing pranks on them or simply just being foul.

Hobgoblins are the OG bogeymen, or are the first we can trace back to recorded sources. But they were no means the last. And they were by no means the only ones in the world.

As a simple definition, the bogeyman is a mythical creature that makes sure kids are staying in line, and was made up by parents. The thing is, the bogeyman features in every culture that has ever been created.

And given the realm of the paranormal explored so far on this blog, perhaps your local Babadook isn’t so out of the question.

The bogeyman has always claimed a rather vague existence, representing a non-specific terror that has even extended to just ‘being the devil’ in some cases. The origins of the name are no different: ‘bogge’ comes from middle english, meaning ‘something frightening’ or ‘scarecrow’.

It has even been interpreted to mean ‘goat’ which can be traced to relations to the devil.

Appearance wise, the bogeyman has several broad features that stretch across cultures. Standard features include sharp teeth, talon or claw-like hands, hooves for feet, and even bug-like features. The Babadook might have shared in a few of these #basic-bogeyman traits, but it’s not all about looks.

How does his personality fair?

The bogeyman can pick between three personality types: something that punishes misbehaving children; one that is just violent for the hell of it which includes stealing kids, and eating them and/or taking them back to hell; or one that protects the innocent.

“So what you’re saying is, this is a vague looking creature with a vague personality with vague ambitions that is made up by parents who are tired of their kids interrupting their vague post-marital sex?”

Okay, fine, the bogeyman bears little resemblance to the basic concept of the bogeyman. But this is what makes him the international man of mystery. It’s the regional divergences between each nation’s own Babadook that makes this creature quite so peculiar.

You see, I assumed the bogeyman would be a universal concept draped in more black clothes than a kid that was in the throes of that scene where Edward leaves Bella. 

Turns out that there’s actually a band of bogeymen which can be specified by their not-so-casual racism and genitalia.

But as the 195 countries dotted across the globe have fostered their own child-eating monster, I thought I’d cut to the chase and fill you in on the world’s weirdest bogeymen.

*Rolls up sleeves of Team Edward hoodie*

     The Sack Man

Making his cinematic debut in The Nightmare Before Christmas, the Sack Man is the international symbol for the bogeyman. Whether he himself is draped in sack-like materials, or is lugging one around with him, Hombre Del Saco uses his luggage to capture and carry naughty children away to, uh, somewhere.

Most popular in Latin countries and Eastern Europe, the Sack Man is the most well travelled bogeyman on this list.

     Babaroga

The original inspiration behind the Babadook - note the similar name - Babaroga is a resident of Serbia and its neighbouring countries. However, the mood board for the Babadook’s inspiration stopped there.

Babaroga literally translates to “old woman with horns”.

And this pensioner spends her time finding children, putting them in a sack (how original), bringing them to her cave, and eating them. Or, to shake things up, she pulls childrens through small holes in the ceiling.

     El Coco

When he’s not featuring in lovable Disney hits, El Coco is snatching kids that don’t get to sleep when they should. With nursery rhymes detailing the legend - a chilling similarity to the Babadook - spanish-language countries across the globe are versed in reportedly seeing a coconut-like face hiding under their beds.

With a brown hairy face and body, and glowing red eyes to match, this famous humanoid might be closer than you think.

“Que viene el Coco y te comerá” 

 - A line from the traditional Spanish nursery rhyme.

     The Mamma

Pakistan gets its fair share of attention on the news cycle, but aside from the war going on, no one has ever noted the rather peculiar beast haunting the nation’s young women.

The Mamma isn’t the mothering being the name suggests, but is a large ape that lives in the mountains and only comes to the civilised world when in need of a young girl. Once he’s kidnapped ‘em and taken ‘em back to his cave, he licks their hands and feet so they can’t escape.

I have a strong feeling that what happens next to these innocent women isn’t as silly as someone licking your feet.

     La Tulievieja

Bringing together the award-winning aesthetic of The Ring and the naseau-inducing aesthetic of Cats, La Tulievieja is Panama’s warning for naughty children. Legend has it she is a spirit cursed by God for drowning her child.

The thing is, God’s curse was, uh, confused. Her monstrous form consists of acne scarring, long hair, claws for hands, a cat’s body and a farmyard animal’s hooved feet. On top of that, she also looks like the child she drowned.

Yep, confused.

     The Jersey Devil

Most countries suffer from multiple bogeymen - here in the UK, for example, we have 12 varieties - and America is no different. The Jersey Devil is actually one of 4 variants, and, like La Tulievieja, is also confused.

Fresh from the jaws of New Jersey, this beast has a horse’s head, bat wings, hooves, and a snake’s tail. First spotted in the 18th century and then again in 1909, it is believed that this legend was actually manufactured as a real estate hoax to coax residents into lowering their selling prices.

You might be able to deny the existence of this beast, but the Cipelahq (a large owl), the Long Black Being that makes a habit of slithering round like a snake, and Bloody Bones (a dancing skeleton and a separate skull) have yet to be disproven.

     The Copperpenis Owl

Hungary has 3 different bogeyman, and most fit the description of the international beast: there’s one with a sack, there’s one which is just a-bit-beasty, and then there’s the giant owl with a penis made of copper.

I personally feel a Babadook with rose gold genitalia circa 2013 might have detracted from the overall feel of the film.

     Ijiraq and the Qalupalik

Iniut communities also follow beliefs in the bogeyman, and probably focus on them more than others because if you wander off in the Arctic you will either get mauled by a bear and die, or freeze.

And then you’ll die.

They actually have 2 resident bogeymen. There’s the Ijiraq, a shapeshifter that kidnaps kids. You know, pretty basic bitch stuff. And then there’s the Qalupalik who is slightly more spooky.

This is a mermaid laden with green skin, long fingernails, and ratty hair that carry babies away in amauti (pouches or sacks for carrying kids) and bring them to live in their underwater world.

     Butzemann

Remember when I mentioned that thing about casual racism? It’s a bit of grey area, ironically.

Germany’s very own bogeyman is known as The Black Man.

(You can see my point.)

That being said, this probably doesn’t actually refer to the colour of his skin as most Germans during the Middle Ages hadn’t actually seen anyone from the African continent. Instead, his outdated nickname was actually down to his preference for dark corners.

The closet, under the bed, in forests during the early hours... If it’s spooky, you’ll find him here.

     Babau

Germany isn’t the only country with politically incorrect bogeyman. Italy has its very own Black Man, a mysterious figure which often features as a black man (gasp) or a black ghost. Only this entity has no legs.

The Marabbecca on the other hand is specific to Sicily, and mirrors the mythology of the Inuits.

Don’t play too close to the water, kids, or a Marabbecca will swim up and drag you to your watery grave!

     The Kropeman

Our final iconic bogeyman isn’t like the other girls, even if his fellow Luxembourgian monsters are. There’s yet another Black Man, and there’s something about an uncle, but it's the Kropeman which has me sleeping with the lights on.

Under the streets of this small country roams a man with a long hook.

When he’s not busy dodging rats in the sewers, he’s grabbing kids by their nose via the hook, and dragging ‘em down into the storm drains.

So - which one is hiding in your closet?

(Aside from the queerness your inner 14 year old hasn’t fully unleashed yet like a big bisexual dragon spewing flames of gender-neutralness.)

(Don’t worry, I’m fine.)

Are you a whore for horror? Passionate about the paranormal? Do you want to see a new real ghost story every day? Then you have to follow this blog.

Read this post next!

[thosemarriedmediums]

TAH Transcript: #25 Beyond Belief-Rosemary’s Baby Shower

No copyright infringement intended. Special thanks to the folks on the Thrilling Adventure Hour wiki! 

[Can be purchased on the thrilling adventure hour patreon]   The previous episode is She Blinded Me With Seance (TAH #20).

The next episode is Love Love Me Doom (TAH #32).   Read under the cut: 

And now, coming to you from Hollywood Los Angeles California America it’s the nation’s favorite new time podcast in the style of old-time radio: the Thrilling Adventure Hour. 

Recorded live at Largo at the Coronet in Hollywood California America; tonight’s episode Beyond Belief Rosemary’s Baby Shower. Starring Paget Brewster as that married medium Sadie Doyle. Featuring Janet Varney as Donna Henderson, Mark Gagliardi as Carlysle Ravencastle, Craig Cackowski as his Renfield and Chris Hardwick as Count Desmond Cross. Narration by Hal Lublin. Music by Andy Paley & the Andy Paley Orchestra.  

 SPOOKY INTRO MUSIC 

Spooky Hal: And now it’s time to send the little ones to dreamland and set your radio’s dial to spooky. Bolt the doors, lock your windows, and steel yourself for mysterious suspense in this evening’s final feature: Beyond Belief.  

Meet Frank and Sadie Doyle; the toast of the upper crust, headliners on the society pages and, oh yes, they see ghosts!    

Frank: Who cares what evil lurks in the hearts of men? 

Sadie: Unless evil’s carrying the martini tray darling. 

 CLINK FX 

 Spooky Hal: Join Sadie Doyle as she walks beyond belief in tonight’s dark episode: Rosemary’s Baby...Shower. Our story begins in the very heart of darkness: Detroit, Michigan. 

 Carlysle Ravencastle: Attend me minion! 

Renfield: Yes Master. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: As I woke upon the dusk and took to the pidge mine eyes beheld and my ears beheard portance.  

Renfield: Portance, master? 

Carlysle Ravencastle: An owl backwards flew. The crickets, nocturn’s metronome, performed in hosanna in the russet moonlight. If mine understanding of these omens is true then the end draws neigh.  

Renfield: How master? 

Carlysle Ravencastle: A child is born of unholy union. I must away eastward to enact my part in that which follows for I am Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight.  

Spooky Hall: Meanwhile at an upper westside brownstone, a baby shower is soon to begin. 

 SFX DOORBELL 

 Sadie: Donna dear, Sadie’s here. 

Donna: [out of breath] Sadie! You’re early! 

Sadie: [oof] Well there was less traffic then anticipated darling, apparently the weather’s put people off the roads. 

Donna: What weather? 

Sadie: Well it’s raining frogs darling. Well more of a drizzle really. 

Donna: Ha well, my point is you’re early! 

Sadie: Oh Donna darling I’ve forgotten. You can’t open the door at all what with you a vampire and the sun’s still out.  

Donna: Mhm. It’s unlocked Sadie. 

Sadie: Then I shall let myself in. Stand back all vampires. 

 SFX DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING 

 Sadie: Olly-olly-oxenfree! The door is closed the nasty ole sun won’t roll around you here no more. Let’s take a look at you. 

Donna: Oh ta-dah!  

Sadie: Oh Donna darling look at how pregnant you are! You’re absolutely glowing! 

Donna: [scoff] Yeah, glowing as a house! Let me show you to the bar.  

Sadie: Mother of the year. Tell me Donna does the baby take after you or its father?  

Donna: Oh it’s a girl. 

Sadie: Oh that’s wonderful! 

Donna: I’ll say! 

Sadie: But not what I meant. Is baby girl Henderson a werewolf like her father or a vampire like her mother? 

Donna: Well she’s definitely got some werewolf in her. 

Sadie: Wha- how can you tell? 

Donna: Well during a full moon she kicks like a karate guy but she’s got some vampire in her too. 

Sadie: So you’re drinking blood for two? 

Donna: She’s a b-negative girl, just like her mommy.  

Sadie: [pleasantly surprised] Well I’m b-negative! 

Donna: [laughs] I know! And I’m dying for a drink. 

Sadie: [chuckle] It’s the same for me darling, let me pour two martinis. 

 SFX DRINK POUR 

 Donna: Oh, no martini for me Sadie. Vampire for one and uh, “glowing” for two. 

Sadie: Oh did you think I was pouring one for you Donna? No, [laughs] that’s adorable. No, I just like to clink before I drink!  

 SFX DRINKS CLINK 

 Sadie: Ooh! 

 SFX DOORBELL RING 

 Sadie: That must be the girls. 

Donna: N-no I don’t think so, the sun hasn’t gone down. I don’t think you ought to answer that door Sadie.  

Sadie: Tosh darling stay back. 

 SFX DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE 

SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO 

 Carlysle Ravencastle: And who art thou, Liquor stinker of-er? 

 PIANO STOPS 

 Sadie: [groan of disgust]  

Sadie: Donna was right, you are not the girls. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Far from it. 

Sadie: Not so very far but sounds (?). 

Carlysle Ravencastle: You would mock my voice? 

Sadie: ...And your parasol.  

Renfield: I shall see to your parasol master.  

Sadie: Master, eh? Sadie. Waggles. Eyebrows. What’s your story, pale, bald, and pointy? 

Donna: Psst. That guy’s a Nosferatu Sadie. 

Sadie: Nosferatu? Wha-is that what it sounds like? 

Donna: What does it sound like? 

Sadie: A leftover scrabble rack played as a bluff.  

Donna: What is that? 

Sadie: [slowly] Nosferatu - would be a, a double word score… that’s 24 points! [chuckles] 

Donna: Yeah a Nosferatu is a-sort of a vampire. 

Sadie: Oh, the sort that carries a frilly parasol?  

Renfield: [clears throat] The master’s parasol protects him the dread sun and it is the least frilly in his collection. 

Donna: [chuckles] Typical Nosferatu. 

 SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO 

 Carlysle Ravencastle: I am no mere Nosferatu, I am Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight. I alone sired Dos Vampere Nosferatus of the Great Lakes region. Our teeth are the sharpest, our skin is the palest, our eyes are the blackest! The night is my domain!  

 PIANO STOPS 

 Sadie: Well, I’m Sadie Doyle; girl husband to Frank Doyle. My nose is the cutest, my glass is the emptiest, my buzz is the fading-ist, the bar is my domain. 

 SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO 

 Carlysle Ravencastle: Mere human! Turn not from Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight, rather,  

  THRALL SOUND 

 Carlysle Ravencastle:  KNEEL BEFORE ME IN THRALL! 

 PIANO STOPS 

 Sadie: Did you-did you think of all of your name by yourself? There’s so much of it. 

Donna: Hmm? Oh! Sadie all Nosfuratus have those kinds of names. There’s one in my coven’s book club goes by Maryella Unpleasant Princess of the Maelstrom. Heh. She could stop a clock, the face on that one.    

Carlysle Ravencastle: How is it that you resist my thrall? 

Sadie: Oh. Who me? Oh, I don’t thrall darling, not in this outfit. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are powerless to resist! 

Renfield: Yes, powerless! 

Sadie: And what’s your name darling? Guy who’s its dark husband of the poor manners did not introduce you. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Do not address my Renfield. 

Renfield: Do not address his me! 

Sadie: Well I’m charmed Mr. Renfield.  

Donna: No no his name isn’t Renfield Sadie. Renfield is, maybe industry slang for the human agent of a vampire. 

Sadie: Oh. 

Donna: Mhm. 

Sadie: Do you have a Renfield Donna?  

Donna: [scoffs] Nah they’re kinda a status thing. I-I ain’t that kind of showy. 

Sadie: Hm. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Enough! Where is the child? 

Sadie: What child?  

 SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO 

 Carlysle Ravencastle: Born of union unholy, bespoke of in auguries and foretokens, the harbinger of what is to come. 

 PIANO STOPS 

 Donna: I mean, auguries and foretokens, who is this guy?  

Sadie: I-do even you understand the words coming from your gnarled little mouth? 

Renfield: Master, master look! Look to her belly. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: [gasp] Wait, are you pregnant?  

 Are you!? 

Donna: As a house. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Is yours a union unholy?  

Renfield: Is it?! 

Donna: [offended gasp] Now if you’re asking what I think you are it’s none of your business pal! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Could it be that the harbinger is as yet born? Were the auspices untrue!? 

Renfield: Were they!? 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Did I misapprehend them? Crickets hosanna. Moon russet. Owl backwards... 

Sadie: Owl backwards. [sarcastic] Wow! Wow wow.  

 SPOOKY BACKGROUND PIANO 

 Carlysle Ravencastle: NO MATTER! As I shall from your womb steal my prize. 

Donna: [gasp] 

 SFX DOOR OPENING 

PIANO STOPS 

 Count Desmond: Hold, Carlysle Ravenclaw! 

Donna: Door! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: [screams] 

Donna: [yelling] Sun! Sun! Sun!   

DOOR CLOSE SFX 

 Count Desmond: Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: And it’s Ravencastle-  

  [overlapping] 

Renfield: Ravencastle!  

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ravenclaw is a Hogwarts house. 

 Count Desmond: Shut up you Hufflepuff! 

Sadie: Who- Who is-Who is this now with his own very pretty little black parasol? 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Count Desmond Cross! 

Sadie: Well if you know so much what is he doing here? 

Count Desmond: Did you think you would return to my city and with impunity threaten a member of my coven? 

Sadie: Me? 

Count Desmond: No, not-not you. Him! You! Be silent! 

 THRALL NOISE 

 Sadie: I-I be tipsy. Clink!  

    SFX CLINK 

 Donna: Sadie this is Count Desmond Cross, the, the head of my local. 

Count Desmond: Say is that a Renfield?  

Carlysle Ravencastle: Gaze upon my minion Count Desmond Cross and feel your blush of envy! 

Count Desmond: Wow a Renfield! I was thinking of getting one but the [quietly] payments. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: You simply must. 

Count Desmond: I know, it’s so expensive now. The interest alone! 

Sadie: [clears throat] 

Donna: [laughs] 

Count Desmond: Adorable! Adorable! 

Donna: So [clears throat] uh what are you doing at my baby shower Count Cross?  

Count Desmond: There are omens about, portance; a crow roared like a lion! In the park, rosebushes bloomed with tulips. 

Sadie: Oh oh! It drizzled frogs! Is that an omen? 

Count Desmond: Maybe. But traditionally that’s more of a plague. Could be some mummy business or an ogre wedding sometimes you know... 

Sadie: [laughs] 

Donna: Desmond this party was supposed to be you know -ladies only-. 

Count Desmond: Child my presence requires no invitation! What with your unborn being born in what’s called an unholy union.  

Carlysle Ravencastle: [gasp] I knew it! 

Renfield: He did. 

Count Desmond: Being that you have lain with a werewolf-  

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ewwwwwww. 

Renfield: Ugh. 

Count Desmond: I know.  

Renfield: That’s gross.  

Donna: I- 

Renfield: That’s totally gross. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: (?) 

Donna: I- 

Carlysle Ravencastle: How does he even?  

Sadie: Dave is the darling-ist werewolf.  

Donna: Oh stop.  

Sadie: Darling honestly, you’d lay with him given your druthers.  

Carlysle Ravencastle: I would not. 

Renfield: He totally would.  

Sadie: Darling, no. 

Count Desmond:  Now usually unholy union refers to when a prince of darkness takes a human bride but something like this happens and it’s 50/50 so you-you know, you wait on the omens which in this case are pointing to a harbinger. 

 SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC 

 Carlysle Ravencastle: And mine hands shall sculpt this ominate clay to a being of perfect destruction. I shall throw him on a potter’s wheel of innasty bastardry and fire him in a kiln of dismay! The resulting depravity vase will serve to hold the flowers that are this world and the waters that are chaos. Forever and a day! 

 PIANO STOPS 

 Count Desmond: Are you done now? This will not stand! Donna is of my coven. This baby is mine by the unholy right of dibs. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Do you think I have traveled low these many dales to arrive here to be cowed by you Desmond Cross?! 

Sadie: [giggles] Dales. 

Count Desmond: I-  

Sadie: [laughing] 

Count Desmond: I think that is just what you have done! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: You! Will! Be! Cowed! 

Count Desmond: Oh no sir you shall be cowed! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: No  

Desmond and Carlysle at the same time: you will-  

[overlapping] 

Count Desmond: You ought to be cowed! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: you are stewing in my cow at the moment! 

Count Desmond: Who’s gonna be cowed? This guy! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are so cowed! Cowed! 

Desmond Cross: Cowed! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: You are rippling with cow! 

Sadie: Gentlemen- 

Desmond Cross: Cowed! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Cowed! 

 Sadie: gentlemen, please! This is a baby shower. It’s not a place for gentlemen nor fighting and especially it is no place for fighting gentlemen. Now the two of you go outside or Sadie Doyle shall roll up her sleevies. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: None command Carlysle Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight. We shall duel for dominance over this child to be.  

Sadie: You and I. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: No! I shan’t fight a woman.  

Sadie: [chicken noises] 

Count Desmond: Shall we duel by proxy Carlysle Ravencastle? 

Carlysle Ravencastle: (?) Coward. 

Count Desmond: And with what pawns do you suggest we duel? Demons? Raves!? Don’t say c.h.u.d.s it sounds like a much better fight then it actually is.   

Carlysle Ravencastle: I invoke the right of Orna Thou. 

Donna: [gasp] 

Renfield & Donna: Oooo.  

Count Desmond: Really? [chuckles] Orna Thou? 

Sadie: Wha-wha-what did he do now? 

Donna: Usually when vampires duel by proxy they summon a demon but by vampire law if you invoke the right of Orna Thou before a duel it means they gotta use a proxy that’s right here in the room. 

Sadie: Vampire law...I would not watch that show.  

Carlysle Ravencastle: I shall duel via my Renfield. 

Renfield: Master?  

Carlysle Ravencastle: Silence! 

Renfield: Yes master.   

Count Desmond: Uh, I guess I’ll take the boozy sass-mouth. 

Donna: Me? 

Sadie: No. No. Choose again.   

Count Desmond: No? There is no no when there is THRALL!   

THRALL NOISE   

Sadie: Oh. Well then, I have an ever so good idea. 

Count Desmond: What is this now? 

Carlysle Ravencastle: She won’t thrall. I tried earlier and- 

Count Desmond: That is the darn-dest thing. 

Carlysle Ravencastle: I know quite! 

Count Desmond: Thrall must be rusty. 

Sadie: Donna, darling, dear.  On the topic of thrall and on the heels of my promise to roll up my sleevies-  

Donna: Mhm.  

Sadie: what do you think of the following? [whispers] 

Donna: Oh! Oh! And then and then [whispers] 

Sadie: Oh yes yes! But only if I [whispers] 

Donna: Okay! Okay! Let me see. Hey fogleroy! I got some thrall for you right here! 

 THRALL NOISE 

SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC 

 Carlysle Ravencastle & his Renfield: [giggling] 

Carlysle Ravencastle: You dare try to thrall Carylse Ravencastle Dark Husband to the Midnight!? I place you in thrall! 

Donna: [yells] You better not! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Ooo! You are strong.   

Donna: I am pregnant! And you come in here with a frilly parasol, a-a human accessory and way too much eye make-up trying to steal my baby? I will show you some thrall mister! 

 THRALL NOISE 

 Carlysle Ravencastle: I shall show you some thrall! 

Donna: Thrall! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Thrall! 

 [overlapping] 

Sadie: Donna! Thrall! 

Renfield: Go Master go! 

Sadie: Thrall! Thrall! 

Donna: [strained grunt] 

Renfield: Thrall her! Thrall her! 

Donna: [whimper] 

Renfield: You got this one Master! 

 Count Desmond: This is highly irregular, I mean this battle isn’t even proxy! Perhaps I should help her. I’ve got some thrall right here! 

Donna: And don’t you dare help me! 

Count Desmond: [monotone] Yes mistress.  

Sadie:  Oo! Donna you thralled the Count! Heh. 

Donna: Yeah, did I? 

Sadie: [monotone] Yes mistress. Oo oh Donna oh you thralled me.  

Donna: [surprised gasp] 

Sadie: And I was simply previously unthrallable! 

Donna: [excited laughter] It’s probably these hormones! I- did I-, did I thrall the guy I was trying to thrall in the first place? I- 

Carlysle Ravencastle: [monotone] Yes Mistress.  

Donna & Sadie: [sigh of relief] 

Donna: Good. Good. Now-now get your pasty husband of the midnight keister the heck outta my house! 

Carlysle Ravencastle: Yes Mistress. -Wait what am I doing!? I’ve never been enthralled nor shall I remain- 

Donna: [cuts him off] Less lip over there!    

THRALL NOISE   

Carlysle Ravencastle: [monotone] Yes mistress. I’ll just take my parasol and go.  

Donna: No no no no no. Leave the parasol buster!  

Carlysle Ravencastle: But it is the daytime... 

Donna: [chuckles] Yup! Enjoy it.  

Renfield: Masters, huh?  

  SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC 

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE SFX 

EXPLOSION SFX 

Carlysle Ravencastle: [SCREAMS] 

 Sadie: A dramatic end to a dramatic fellow Mistress.  

Donna: Oh! Oh gosh, uh. Sadie, I remove you from my thrall. 

Count Desmond: And me? I wouldn’t mind not being in thrall if that would be cool with you. 

Donna: Eh. 

Count Desmond: Fair.  

Sadie: [sigh of relief] Oh good. Oh darling thank you. I think I’ll have a drink. Oh who am I kidding? I know I’ll have one. [laughs] 

Donna: You know I think I’ll join you.  

Sadie: Donna dear, glowing. 

Donna: Oh that wasn’t the kind of drink I meant. Come here Renfield. 

Renfield: Me? 

Donna: You as b-negative as you look?  

Renfield: Please don’t make me your drink.  

Sadie: Clink! 

 SFX BOTTLE SMASHING 

 Renfield: Oh please please don’t toast against my forehead. 

Sadie: Oh. Too late! [laughs] 

 SPOOKY PIANO MUSIC 

 Spooky Hal: A happy birthday after all for the arrant child as Donna Henderson proves a mother’s love conquers even the gravest foes. 

 WORKJUICE INSTRUMENTAL 

 Brian Stack: This has been the Thrilling Adventure Hour Podcast. If you like what you’ve heard please leave a comment on Itunes. The Thrilling Adventure Hour is written by Ben Acker and Ben Blacker and directed by Aaron Ginsberg. Special thanks to Joel Spence, Barre Duryea, Jesse Honig and me Brian Stack. For show dates, photos and more information visit ThrillingAdventureHour.com. From the oral tradition to the aural tradition, one of the many fine distinctions available from the Thrilling Adventure Hour.