#and bc of this im dreading work extra like......my to do list....

[pirunika]

girls when they wasted their off days sleeping when they had plans to do stuff n b creative or w/e:

[mooodyblue]

Heyyy I haven’t been on here in so long but I literally stalk your acc bc I love love love your writing and you were always so nice to me. Anywho! I was wondering if I could request a fluff piece w/ big daddy Elvis? I have endometriosis and I was wondering if you could write something where the reader is really struggling during her period and Elvis takes care of her. Thank youuu 💗

thank you! ❤️ i wasn't fully aware of what that all entailed, so i tried to do my research. hope this is okay!! thank you for the request <3

pairing: 70s!elvis x afab!reader

wc: 711

-> masterlist

there's always a specific time during every month that you dread more than anything, and it's the forever–non–ending week of your period. everyone's periods were different, some dealt with pain, some didn't. you, on the other hand, were met with the most god, awful crippling pain every single month. 

elvis knew how badly you struggled with your period, he always tried to give you all the comfort he could even if you tried to brush it off. when you first got together, it wasn’t something he fully understood. he knew what periods were, of course. but yours was much more different. 

he wanted to take you out to the memphian today since a few movies had come out that he wanted to see, maybe bring a few of the guys along with him. the sight of you crippled up in bed made him change his plans immediately and he wasted no time cancel. today would be all about you and your comfort instead.

“baby?” he said softly, shuffling over to the bed and crouching to meet with you eye leveled. you tangled up in the comforter, curled up with a tired look on your face said enough. “that time of the month?” 

a soft mhm left your lips, your own arms wrapped securely around your stomach. 

“poor thing.” he muttered, bringing his hand up to brush the hair out of your face. “y’wanna jus’ stay in bed all day?” another mhm came from you in response. “not a problem at all, honey. y’need anything?” 

talking was so tiring in the moment, you didn't even want to move. “‘just you.” you mumbled. 

he chuckled, pressing his lips against your forehead. “i know, i know. you’ll get me in just a minute, baby. im gonna get ya a few things ‘n i’ll come back up here alright?” you whined in response, clutching at your stomach at the shooting, throbbing pain. he frowned, “oh, baby. alright. i’m gonna hurry.” he kissed you one last time before standing back up and heading downstairs.

elvis reached the bottom of the steps, eyes scanning around graceland as he mentally wrote himself a list of things to bring upstairs. he had pads upstairs, the good ones. he had the money, he wasn’t going to buy you cheap anything. oh, but duh, a heating pad. he grabbed one out of a cabinet before heading to the kitchen, rummaging through for snacks or anything that may make you feel better.

“you need something?” he heard from behind him, meeting eyes with mary. 

“oh, uh….well…” he rubbed the back of his neck, “it’s that time of the month for—”

“i’ll bring ‘em some tea and some food.” she smiled, patting his back. “what they need right now is a massage and your presence, i’ll take care of things around here.”

elvis let out a sigh of relief, “appreciate ya. don’t wanna do the wrong thing.”

“trust me, you won’t.” 

he headed back upstairs with a hot water bottle and a heating pad, walking into his bedroom where you were still huddled up in bed. “alright, darlin’. mary’s comin’ up with some tea, i’ve got a whole lotta heat and this water bottle is about ready to burn my hands off.” 

you sat up with a groan, wiping at your eyes as you pouted at him, “elvis–”

“i brought a heating pad too. y’think double the heat might work on those cramps?” he asked, ignoring you. “i have extra pads in the bathroom, if you need more—i’ll have someone make a run ‘n get you some. y’need painkillers? i got the strong—”

“elvis.”

he looked over at you, raising his eyebrows like he did something wrong. 

with a hot water bottle ready to be against your back and a heating pad on your lower stomach, you pouted at him. “you didn’t need to do all of this….”

“but, i did. i want you to be comfortable, baby. i hate that y’all gotta go through that every month.” he frowned. “is there something else i can get you? just say the word ‘n i’ll go get it.”

you thought for a moment, “well….you did forget one thing…”

“oh!” he got ready to head out the bedroom again, “what is it?”

“you.”

[let-it-rip-bear]

Any fic recs? :)

oh yes

an unorganized list of The Bear fic recs; most are gen just cuz im not a big shipper

nighthawks (5131 words) by arbitrarily Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Sydney Adamu & Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Sydney Adamu, Richard "Richie" Jerimovich, Marcus (The Bear TV 2022), Neil Fak, Tina (The Bear TV 2022), Gary "Sweeps" Woods Additional Tags: Character Study, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Season/Series 01, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Canonical Character Death, Unresolved Romantic Tension Summary:

The work continues; the work begins.

Sunday Special (2073 words) by LearnedFoot Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Sydney Adamu & Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Sydney Adamu & Richard "Richie" Jerimovich Characters: Sydney Adamu, Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Richard "Richie" Jerimovich Additional Tags: other characters make appearances too, Friendship, Found Family, Christmas, Post-Canon Summary:

The Bear stays open for Christmas.

the trap (5957 words) by bartonbones (@bartonbones) Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto & Natalie "Sugar" Berzatto Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Natalie "Sugar" Berzatto, NYC Chef Additional Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, a meager attempt to supply some h/c in this ao3 tag bc im getting desperate, Minor Injuries, Verbal Abuse, im legally required to tell you to not do the first aid depicted in this fanfiction, One Shot Summary:

You need to fucking be better at this, Chef says.

Yes, chef, he says.

Get better at this.

Yes, chef.

Calling out orders. Hands. Plating with tweezers and holding his breath. Wiping plates. It’s funny because before this, he’d think that it's a mistake you’d only make one time. He’d think getting shoved and screamed at and sent home to shake apart and wonder if you’re wasting years on your life on a thing you fucking suck at would be enough to remind you not to forget to wipe a plate again, but the truth is that it’s not, that nothing is, the truth is that it’s a fucking trap. He’s always going to forget something again.

OR: How Carmy got that scar on his hand.

I Cannot Put My Thumb On When I Went So Numb (1517 words) by neonsandwich Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto & Richard "Richie" Jerimovich Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Richard "Richie" Jerimovich, Michael "Mikey" Berzatto (Mentioned) Additional Tags: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Implied/Referenced Suicide Summary:

Carmen’s meds stopped working.

Carmen had known that for weeks, months even. His meds had been steadily decreasing in effectiveness for a while, but there was always something more pressing going on in his life than trying to schedule an appointment with his doctor, much less enter the process of trying to find a new antidepressant and dealing with the potential side effects from that. Carmen would just deal with the dread and extra self loathing at night and maybe the occasional suicidal thought. It wasn’t like he was going to act on those thoughts anyway, not after Mikey.

he said only sundown, sundays, christmas (2117 words) by hyacinthdreams Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Sydney Adamu, Natalie "Sugar" Berzatto, Richard "Richie" Jerimovich, Michael "Mikey" Berzatto Additional Tags: implications/references to suicide, implications/references to ptsd/grief, Dysfunctional Family, Character Study, No Beta, the Berzatto family, Atheist Character Summary:

carmen berzatto somehow screwed over the guardian angels in his life enough that he was going to a wedding, a funeral and a kid's birthday party all in one week, (bad things only came in cases of three or some shit like that, right?) all while trying to make sure his restaurant didn't go up in literal and metaphorical flames.

or

a study in carmy

ghosts and empty sockets (20510 words) by bartonbones Chapters: 4/4 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto & Natalie "Sugar" Berzatto, Sydney Adamu & Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto & Michael "Mikey" Berzatto Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Natalie "Sugar" Berzatto, Sydney Adamu Additional Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Sibling Love, Found Family, Nightmares, Eating Disorders, sort of...mostly just whatever carmy's got going on with his stomach issues, Self-Esteem Issues, look. he's a miserable little guy and it's my job to write about the misery of little guys, Grief/Mourning, shrimp boy carmy real, pre carmen/sydney if you squint, a lot of handwaving over timeline and career details dont acknowledge it pls, Yearning Summary:

"Again, their breath moves together, only instead of a sigh of relief it holds still, caught in their throats. They seem to both acknowledge a door half-open, a window just cracked. Sometimes it’s like this—working on the Bear, talking about Mikey when they have to, when they mention the money or the inspiration or the afternoons Carmen has to plan around in order to attend the AL meetings.

They are always on the edge of talking about it. Sometimes Carm feels it like a lighter, finger pressed down flat, letting all the gas out, never making a spark. It never catches, it never burns, but it’s there, fucking up the ozone layer or some shit like that. He’s always fucking up something."

OR: After months of hard work, The Bear is nearing opening, with a inaugural write-up in the Tribune to go with it. The only problem is: Carmy can't talk about the restaurant without talking about Mikey, and he can't talk about Mikey without talking about himself.

Close Enough (1678 words) by bloodinthecut Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto & Richard "Richie" Jerimovich Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Richard "Richie" Jerimovich Additional Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Takes place after ep 8, Carmy is Not Okay, And we love to see it acknowledged Summary:

Richie is in the passenger seat. This is not by Carmy’s choice.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you skippin’ family, again,” he said as they finally closed up, chucking his keys at Carmy’s head and barely missing his eye. “You’re driving. I can’t get caught up in any more shit after that assault nonsense.”

In which Richie confronts Carmy after everything.

Salve: something that soothes or consoles (20764 words) by ouroboros_ontology (@eroticwound) Chapters: 6/? Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto & Richard "Richie" Jerimovich, Sydney Adamu & Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto & Natalie "Sugar" Berzatto Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Richard "Richie" Jerimovich, Natalie "Sugar" Berzatto, Sydney Adamu, Michael "Mikey" Berzatto, always haunting the narrative tbqh, mrs. berzatto, Marcus (The Bear TV 2022), Pete (The Bear TV 2022) Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dissociation, Hand injury, Grief, carmy is the boy on fire of my dreams, Multiple Perspectives, Angst, Post-Finale, Touch-Starved, Burns, Emetophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, corpse description, Canon-typical Cursing Summary:

Despite the money in the cans, Carm's still been off. Worse, maybe.

Or an accident in the kitchen puts everyone on the same page.

Yes, Chef/No, Chef (4991 words) by WatchMyFavesSuffer Chapters: 3/3 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, New York Chef (The Bear TV 2022), Richard "Richie" Jerimovich, Michael "Mikey" Berzatto Additional Tags: Angst, Panic Attacks, Emetophobia, Verbal Abuse, Cooking, The French Brigade System, Fine Dining, Self-Esteem Issues, maybe hints of eating disorder (depending on how you look at the vomiting thing), mild body horror (in carmy's head), Perfectionism, black swan vibes, Whiplash (2014) vibes, Pre-Canon, Noma era, author watches a lot of cooking shows Summary:

“What the fuck is this?”

“Grilled branzino, Chef.”

“Wrong. This is dogshit.”

“Yes, Chef.”

Noma-era flashback, feat. abusive head chef, heavy Carmy angst, and a lot of kitchen jargon.

Bear Market Blue (4094 words) by threesmallcrows Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Bear (TV 2022) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Sydney Adamu/Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto Characters: Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto, Sydney Adamu Additional Tags: Eating Disorders, Past Sexual Abuse, Depression, Carmen "I'm straight up not having a good time" Berzatto, Character Study, Anxiety Summary:

In the intake room, he says to the nurse, “I mean I work in a kitchen for chrissake. I eat all the goddamn time.”

[iraprince]

i saw your advice on breaking down tasks to be so small that you can handle them, any advice for when the task of breaking down a task feels too big? specifically i am in my first semester of college and im about 4 weeks behind in one of my classes and its stressing me out so bad i cant do any of my homework now. thanks

hmm... i have LOTS of experience with being behind on stuff lmao and have only started making breakthroughs on it recently. i’ll try to list some stuff that has been helping

1. no more “should.” you’re not allowed to say “should” anymore. “i Should be doing my homework” when you’re doing whatever (laying in bed being sad, scrolling tumblr, whatever) is not the helpful mantra you think it is. it’s just a guilt trip. instead you have to figure out how to give REASONS why you should do it. for me, that’s framing it as beneficial to me. “it would be in your best interest to go do the work you’re behind on. you’ll feel better if you do some of it, you’ll feel less guilty, and you’ll be able to enjoy your leisure time instead of just feeling Dread.” 

2. deciding on a plan has been helpful for me. what i’m working on getting caught up on right now is patreon rewards. it got to the point -- and i’m embarrassed even saying this -- where i owed almost ONE HUNDRED doodles!! (aaagh! what the fuck!!!! isn’t that fucking awful?) that is a disgusting number! that’s so fucking scary! i felt overwhelmed when it was HALF of that and felt like i was just standing there frozen watching the number go up and up and up. what finally snapped me out of it was i sat myself down and tried to spend as much of a day working on the stuff i was behind on as i could. i found out i can get about 10 of these done, if i work all day on them and don’t fuck around too much. so, hey, actually... if i get ten done per work day, i’m caught up on all 100 of them in 10 work sessions, which is about two weeks if i give myself two days off per week. that’s... literally not so bad, right? breaking it down into “you will finish this by X if you do Y amount per day,” instead of just frantically saying “YOU’RE BEHIND! IT’S LATE! CATCH UP AS FAST AS YOU CAN GO GO GO, WORK AS MUCH AS YOU CAN UNTIL IT’S DONE” is so much less scary and feels DOABLE and makes me feel like i have things under control.

3. BUT, you don’t just have the stuff you’re behind on. you have other new stuff you have to do too. you can’t just put all that on hold while you do the stuff you’re behind on, or now you’re behind on the new stuff too! i saw someone (i can’t remember who, i’m sorry) give advice that says even tho the urge is to do stuff in the order it came to you (the older the task, the sooner you do it), actually the only way to keep your head above water in cases like this is to do the stuff you have to do TODAY first, then use EXTRA time after that stuff is done to work on the stuff you’re behind on. to put that into my example, the stuff i have to keep doing day to day is.... i have to make enough money for the month. so i spent the first two weeks of this month doing commissions faster than i normally do, and made enough money to feel Safe, so that i felt like that part was Done, and now i’m using the second two weeks to catch up on stuff. if i’d tried to put the stuff i was behind on First, i would’ve been in a way worse situation this month and i might have fucked myself over.

4. communicate about stuff you’re behind on! explain stuff to your professors! i’m so bad at this. i was bad at this in school, and until recently i wasnt as good abt it w my patrons as i wanted to be. it’s because it feels embarrassing to say “im fucking up and it’s taking me a long time to get to this, i’m sorry.” but doing that reflects better on you than radio silence, no matter how it feels. you don’t look stupid and irresponsible for being honest about being behind on stuff - you look irresponsible if you just suddenly clam up and refuse to admit that you need time and that you’re working on it. it’s better to be as open as you can, and it makes you feel less like you have to Hide, which in my case just makes me freeze up again

that’s kind of all i’ve got rn bc i’m still figuring it out myself, but this is the stuff that’s made it easier for me

[ghostly-smiles]

So i finally finished the main storyline of fallout 4. Here are my thoughts. And BTW this isnt a criticism and im not being a critic bc i hate critics. These are just my thoughts as I played the game. Some SPOILERS ahead btw even though the games 4 or 5 years old

So I LOVED fallout 4. I know a lot of people hate it and criticise it for its flaws and its definitely got some. The story could be better. Obviously it was reversing the roles of our lovely fallout 3 but it didnt feel quite right. I felt there should have been more to the story than just avenging your spouse and finding your son. Even though Shaun being used as a genetic sheep for the synths was interesting I was hoping it was more related to Nate and Nora (something about family lineage or something to do with Nates military service). I think almost everyone I saw agrees that the story could be better. Nevertheless I still enjoyed it. Another thing is I wish there were more unique quests. I know theres millions of settlement quests from our very own sunshine preston garvey and its a great way to level up or get extra caps (or get the minutemen ending. Which is what i went with my first playthrough.) But part of what made fallout enjoyable to me was the interesting and unique quests even if they werent part of the main story, but had their own story. Whether it be involved in factions or quests you find in the wasteland. Not that fallout 4 doesnt have any of those, just dont have a lot (like New Vegas has an abundance of different quests). And this is also my first playthrough- so im sure i missed some things. Either way I did enjoy most unrelated- story quests. I get that a lot of the game too is building settlements etc and honestly I LOVE that aspect bc I think worldbuilding stuff is so neat but at some point I wish there was just more quests to do. I wish the Karma system was still on there too. Sure it makes it easier to be an asshole and all. But it was a good way to keep yourself aligned. And lastly as everyone says- i wish the dialogue was more unique.

On a different note. My favorite part of the game was the COMPANIONS. I cannot express how much I love the companions. They are so fun to have. Nick (god i love nick), Hancock (I went into this game knowing he was the first i would romance), and Deacon have been my top three. I love the work that went into each design and backstories. I wish they all had a personal quest to complete. Especially Hancock- they could have easily done a quest about his brother. Hell even dogmeat should have a quest. (Rex in new vegas did!). Codsworth too (More should been done with codsworth I feel like. It makes me sad for him.) It would definitelt had more if they each had individual quests yknow. And I love the affinity meter, as well as companion comments in situations (makes me want to hear more.) Bc it just a satisfying element to the game. Another thing I loved was the radio. It had a fantastic soundtrack in this game (i mean they all do but i especially loved diamond citys radio). And Lynda Carter? Never knew she was an amazing singer. I loved the scenery and the concept of the glowing sea. And thank god for animal friend. I admit I didnt like it at first bc having to pacify them first irritared me and sometimes it wouldnt work if companions started shooting them first. But now that they added mirelurks and deathclaws into the list of animal friend helps A LOT. I do genuinely like the new concepts they added into the game. Albeit the commonwealth doesnt feel as unsafe and dangerous to roam like fallout 3 did (I dreaded going out in the wastes in fallout 3 bc of it). Theres more i want to write about what i like/dont like about the game but ive gone on long enough

In a nutshell. I love it. I think its great game to play despite its flaws. Compared to the other fallouts its definitely not the best. It definitely has flaws and could use a little more work. But all the games do. So yeah. When i get extra money im gonna get the dlcs so excited for that.

[smireyac]

fuck this year man u dont even get cute emojis in the title this time

so lemme just start by saying fuck 2020 

now that we’re on the same page, lets get into it

so i dont have to explain all the reasons why this year sucked bc u just need to google 2020 and there will be a million reasons why it was TOTAL FUCKING GARBAGE...... usually when so many people collectively say a year sucked ass, i can be like “oh it wasnt *all* bad for me, personally” haha not this year!!! 

its super fucking depressing to look at how hopeful and positive i was about 2020 a year ago..... ofc there was no way for me to have known it would all go to shit but i still really appreciate the tone i had set... reading over the previous reflections and seeing how harsh and negative i was @ myself made the softness of last years post super refreshing.... 

now i said i dont *have* to explain all the ways 2020 was shitty, but i am gonna explain the biggest reason this year was shitty for me, personally..... it might seem really small in comparison to the ways 2020 was shitty as a whole on like a global scale? but really the biggest reason 2020 sucked ass was i didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends in real life for 9 out of the 12 months of the year.... and really it was like the first week of march that shit hit the fan so like really it was only 2 months that we got to see each other....... if u rmbr p much every previous retrospective post ive made, there was a big emphasis on friends..... ive come to realize that im actually a very *extra*verted person??? despite my overall shyness and homebody attitude, i would always choose to hang out with people over being alone so stay-at-home orders FUCKING SUCKED??? when we all thought it would be over in a couple weeks, maybe a month it was fine?? hey its a good time to draw or catch up on that reading and/or writing i said i was gonna do maybe even start learning to drive?? it’ll be no big deal THEN it wasn’t over in a month and it wasnt gonna BE over anytime soon and no one important was doing anything about it and its an election year and black lives have always mattered and yet everything is so uncertain and

[inhale]

[exhale]

this year was..... a lot...... too much in fact

in 2018, i had said that i watched vox’s video on the year in 5 mins and cried... if i watched this year in five minutes, i dont think i would be able to breathe...... 

SO instead of making myself CRY..... lets try to think about any GOOD things that happened and think about what we can do to make 2021 good for ourselves:

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

-i *didn’t* lose my job!! sad that so many others cannot say the same but im trying to make myself feel *better* not WORSE so i got to keep my job and i actually work more hours than before so!!

-i actually *did* learn to drive this year!!!! and im pretty good at it??? for someone that just started this year anyway?? i probably *would* have my DRIVER’S LICENSE right now if it weren’t for a surge in cases in a certain STATE that i happen to live in......... but w/e its fine i get more time to practice and im ~~**DEFINITELY**~~ going pass my test and get my license ~whenever it is that i can reschedule my dmv appt~

lmfao its so funny that last year, i was absolutely *dreading* learning to drive but i so fucking get why everyone was like ‘you need to learn how to drive’ i legit love it so much???? ive always been a car person but that was like purely for the aesthetic but now that i can drive im just....... WOOOW this really is what freedom feels like.... like ik that public transportation is amazing and i will always champion it but nothing beats being purely in control of your destination.... i also wanted to buy myself a car for my birthday even tho i couldnt really drive yet but then sien had to fix smthg on her car and it was EXPENSIVE AF and my mom was like “u dont need to buy a car yet” so i put the brakes [haha] on that... but soon... once i get my license,,, then i will have u my love................. so with that being “my most serious goal of 2020″ im glad i did it

-i was one of lucky ones and got unemployment when i couldn’t work so i have a lot of money saved in the bank??? pls no one steal my identity i wanna use that money to buy myself a car and/or for when we move out 🤞🤞 we’ll just have to wait and seeeeee....................

-i had mentioned playing dnd last year too and thats been going STRONG as hell thank goodness....... we couldnt keep playing in person but when we moved it to online, not only did we actually get to hang out a lot more, we made more friends??? introduced new people to the group?? its so good and in fact probably the only thing that kept me even a little bit sane this year...... 

-this is more of an honorable mention than an accomplishment but im this 🤏close to catching up with critical role and thats partially thanks to the pandemic lmao sooooo ??? 

aaaaaaand thats p much it lol i didnt really accomplish any of my other goals bc reasons................. but!!! as cliche as it sounds, with a light at the end of the tunnel, im confident that i can turn that all around this year.... so if 2016 was the year of change, 2017 was the year of getting used to shit, 2018 was the year of getting *too* used to shit and 2019 ended up being the year of friends, 2020 was the year of absolute shit and it doesn’t fucking count....... i learned a lot this year, biggest lesson of all is that life is short and if i were to have died at any point last year, what the fuck would i have to show for it??? so usually i end up giving a theme or name to a year after its done but this time im determined to make 2021 into what i want it to be SO i am declaring this year, the year of our lord 2021, the year of new experiences!!!! what the fuck does that mean you ask? well ill tell you!!! im gonna try new things this year!! make a very pointed effort to do things outside my comfort zone?? and for my goals this year, im going back to my old way of making a huge list of stuff u wanna do and seeing how much i can actuallly accomplish!! now i said theres a light but we really dont know when all this shit will end and life will go “bAcK tO nOrMaL” so whos to say ill get to accomplish any of it? at the same time, there are plenty of stuff on the list that i can do within the pandemic set parameters so!! lets see this list!!

2021 GOALS:

[check boxes bc there is no plain box emoji lmao]

☑️ read new books!! i’ll keep last years goal bc i didnt meet it and i have good reads now which tells me i just need to read 1.5 books a month to reach that goal!! huzzah!

☑️ watch new shows and new movies b4 u end up watching shit you’ve already seen a million times... i bought an old planner for 2020 instead of 2021 by accident but i hope it will help keep track of the movies/shows along with the books too!

☑️ listen to new music!! this years spotify wrapped was garbo it only had like 3 albums and a bunch of other shit i always listen to so i gotta fix that lmfao

☑️ write new stories!! i am comforted by the shit ive been writing for the past like 7 years but if my screenplay class taught me anything its that there are a lot of stories to tell and i got so many ideas floating around in this noggin!! instead of an arbitrary word count, why dont i say write idk 3 new stories, start to finish, in whatever medium idc screenplay, short story, comic, twine WHATEVER!! do it!

☑️ eat new food!! lmao this one seems the most silly to me but ive never had indian food, ive never had [not really anyway] korean food, i want to find new restaurants and eat new food!!! yum!

☑️ go on a road trip!!

☑️ visit some place ive never been before!!

☑️ go on a hike??

☑️ go to mexico again

☑️ ride a scary rollercoaster you previously wouldnt have

☑️ go to a club

☑️ get silly drunk fr 

☑️ FUCK IT go on dates!! self date friend dates sister date cousin dates R- Romantic... dates ??? FUCK IT!!! YEAH!! DATE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!

☑️ learn to use blender

☑️ animate something 

☑️ make a big painting

☑️ cosplay ???? AHH

☑️ learn to roller skate lmao u bought the skates and were so excited for them!! 

☑️ go somewhere SUPER DARK and go see some real stars!!!! 

☑️ and to top it all off, throw the airbnb house party that we’ve been talking about for MONTHS lmao 

hmmmm,, i think thats a good enough list for now ?? another thing i wanted to accomplish.... that im scared to speak into existence bc then i cant back out of doing it...........and it doesnt align with the whole “new” spirit of 2021 but.......... i want to like start making apartments for rent????? like i want to have something of it to show by, if not the 8th anniversary then by the end of the year HHUFF THERE I SAID IT......... no turning back now.......... 

alright its almost midnight on.... whats this? its already jan. 1st??? lmao yeah fuck it i didnt keep up with anything i normally did this year who cares i made up the rules i can break them too lol  

so yeah 

we’ll see what this year brings us,,,,

hoo boy

[yoitscro]

Ramble time again, lol

My brain has felt “stuffed” for last few months and I think I’m starting to figure out why? Maybe. I mean, outside of the obvious ADHD and depression. It’s more so that it’s felt stuffed over the last two years, actually.

I had some projects that, within the last year, have fallen back from where they should/should’ve been. The next reanimate should been worked on at this point, the pesterquest dub should be half way, meenahquest had to be revamped to the point that i may limit it to either myself or a VERY small team...so on.

I’m choosing to not listen to anyone who claims it’s because the pot finally boiled over with how much I carry. Yes, I do A LOT, more than I should, but I tend to feel a bit hurt if anyone suggests that me being overwhelmed is solely on me and not, like, outside factors. It feels ignorant and slightly one-upping on me for no reason, and like, I’m not going to take that well, lol.

My run of projects was fairly well before that and it isn’t just because I finally bit off more than I could chew. It’s because 2020 set EVERYONE back. It consisted of me being an essential worker during the midst of the pandemic, on top of being one of the many black people in America that were stressing to hell and back. Also, I’d been trying to (still) get over overall trauma that’s come from having a falling out with some ex-Homestucks that decided that publicly trying to stomp out a black person in the beginning of February was some kind of heroic justice. I also still have to live with my mom...which is, alot.

It’s been a mix of things that’ve left me, more so than usual, feeling angry, fatigued, sleep deprived, anxious, depressed, and semi-suicidal (I say semi because having a fear of pain has only had me at most to think about the most painless way to go versus...doing anything. also i still have too many things i wanna do. too many people i still care about for these...rhetorical scenarios. which. still isn’t good).

I guess you could say there’s a lot more going on that maaaaybe just maybe puts projects on the back burner, reasonably so, and well, I’m never one who’s taken well to salt being put in my wounds.

(I remember someone I once considered a friend suggesting that I go to therapy, or asking if I looked into it, despite ignoring the fact that they’d been one of the people that, if not had given gossip to others*, then at least knew that I was being singled out and didn’t do anything to help or at least provide understanding. They in fact felt annoyed that it was getting worse and I was talking about it so much as a sign of help versus actually caring, or at least telling me directly that they didn’t want to hear more, which, while still callous, would’ve sucked less.

*they told me they didn’t and got offended that i even asked, overly defensive, and in the back of my mind I thought about how I was told by another party that they were specifically the one that shared stuff from a private server. though i held my tongue cus that would’ve gotten more people involved...)

(It also sucks that I literally got into HStwt, the time of bad times, the month following when my ex-best friend ghosted me and left me severely depressed in the winter of 2018, but I digress. I’ll save that for another ramble)

I think my recent head stuffiness has more so contributed to the fact that after years of connecting myself to the HS fandom, 6, and overall to fandom throughout my life, I’ve finally found the confidence and skills to want to make something original. Not only that, but to do some other things, such as having time practice in other art medias, overall doing art studies with a pencil, etc. Even doing things outside of my creative outputs, like exercising, or watching an anime or playing a game I wasn’t able to get into two years ago because I was worried about a zine schedule when I wasn’t working or at minimum doing doodles on the side.

Work still doesn’t help. This year I clocked in at 100 hours in two weeks once. It was dreadful.

I also got deep into a new fandom which...hasn’t actually happened SINCE Homestuck. But funny timing, lol.

I guess where I can say that I am now is...hm.

I’m still trying to figure things out. I have projects to finish, and I still have HS ones I wanna do...but I potentially need to diminish the list so I’m not long terming this stuff. I have some big ones I wanna do, and at least one more SAHCon year, two if I feel like having a 5 year con. 

I also wanna try to work or either very small teams, or just not work with anyone for project stuff. I love working in collabs and the mutual benefits, but it can be stressful on relying for certain things, and, I’ve been accused of using people  for clout or so one too many times for my liking.

I have to look at these original ideas I wanna try, some of which like I said requires me to practice certain things that project fatigue won’t allow.

And then, two glaring things to keep in mind:

I’d like to go to college at some point, community, potentially next fall? It gives me time to get some of these hefty things out of the way before I start struggling with math, lol.

Secondly, I really wanna quit my job. I’ve only been dealing with it for 3+ years because it’s not minimum wage nor is it food services -- I can work on my projects on the go. I’m making this journal during my Sunday shift right now!

But it’s gotten suckier with new management, and I’ve never worked with benefits. I think my goal is to just work as long(er) as I can to earn a certain amount of money, and then some time before going to school in fall, I’d take some months of a break. Not only to work creatively in piece with no extra stress, but to get some of these projects done before I scoot my boot.

Honestly, the idea of having a free Saturday again and doing art next to a window sill while listening to youtube commentary seduces me. And if I were to chop down my work load, I’d feel even happier.

Anyways, I guess this was just another vent. I haven’t been able to get any creative work done today bc these thoughts were spinning around in my brain, but I had to write them down so I could also organize what I should do first. 

Apologies to that one anon long ago that got sad that Im not longer silly or whatever <:””((((((