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moonyasnow · 28 days ago

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The ways in which my OCs are neurodivergent

Bc this is a legitimately big part of who they are as people and I'm not gonna let you forget! My OCs are neurodivergent, some of them mentally ill, and I'm very open about that fact; I really LOVE talking about it actually ^^

I love sharing things like this, especially bc just normalizing stuff is a big step toward wider acceptance of it! And as an autistic person with ADHD, Tourettes and BPD, my own perspective is just so neurodivergent to a degree where I don't really know how to write characters who aren't at least somewhat neurodivergent

Plus...way too few people seem to be actually aware of what a lot of these things actually entail for the people who actually are/have it :,) So wherever I can, I wanna work to try to change that!

Edit:

@babyghoul138 CRAP I FORGOT TO TAG YOU FOR VERONICA—

Tomoe

She's autistic.

You might not be able to see it easily, because she's very good at masking it, but she is.

But you can still see it very clearly when she starts talking about history! Because once she starts, she gets so overwhelmed with excitement about being able to share everything she knows of one of her favorite things in the world that the mask just sorta falls off.

That's a big reason why she's always wanted to be a history teacher; to be able to share that excitement with others, and have an excuse to talk about it and teach others all her favorite historical facts every day.

Btw I'm saying 'is autistic' instead of something like 'has autism' because there is no way to separate the person from the autism, if that makes sense. Autism makes up so much of who an autistic person is (the way we think, the way we grow up, the things we like and are drawn to, how we interact with others on a fundamental leve, etc) that there would be nothing left if you 'took away' the autism.

Irina

She has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Since idk how much the general population knows about BPD, here are the symptoms (taken from helpguide.org)

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

The way it manifests in her is she has the 'Discouraged' subtype

There are 4 commonly recognized subtypes: Discouraged, Petulant, Self-Destructive and Impulsive. They come from which of the symptoms of BPD a particular person with it shows more prominently.

For irina, this means that she suffers more from the symptoms of 'fear of abandonment', and she directs all her negative feelings inside at HERSELF rather than at others. For this reason, this kind can also be called 'quiet' Borderline since it can be hard to tell it's there at all with no outward signs

The Discouraged Subtype is most often characterized by: Avoidant, depressive or dependent behaviors, an intense- sometimes even crippling- fear of abandonment, and always directing negative emotions inward and believing they are at fault. Can also be desrcibed to be operating in 'abandoned child' mode; wanting to do anything to avoid a percieved abandonment.

What specifically causes BPD isn't 100% known, but it's thought to be a mix of childhood experiences and genetics.

I'll talk more about the 'childhood experiences' part in Veronica's part, so here I'll discuss the 'genetic's part...

For example...

I hadn't actually thought about it until a while ago while discussing it with a friend, but It's VERY likely that Irina got, or was at least at a much higher possibility of developing BPD because of her father.

Because looking at the things he did...he'd fit into at LEAST 7 of the symptoms.

All he ever did was either go out drinking and doing drugs (impulsive, self-destructive behavior with no regard for his own health or safety) or stay home watching TV. Both, I think, could very well be an example of that 'chronic feelings of emptiness' thing; he wanted to find something to fill the void with.

I also think he sometimes just bought random stuff he thought was cool, both as another example of that emptiness, but also of the thing with constant shifting self-image.

And unstable relationships, mood swings and explosive anger... There's an OVERABUNDANCE of evidence for that.

Spike

Like I said, I'm not 100% sure about Spike yet... I don't think he's ENTIRELY neurotypical though...

I don't think it's autism...

I'm thinking maybe some sort of learning disability? A few SYMPTOMS of ADHD???

...I don't know...

But there's SOMETHING here...I can just feel it

Junia

Is autistic, has dyslexia and dyscalculia

Her dyslexia and dyscalculia are pretty straight-forward. She has a lot of trouble reading: to her, letters, and numbers too, always just refuse to stay still on the page, shfting and jumping around so much it makes most texts illegible to her. Even though she tried to learn to read...she barely can.

Which lead to all her peers making fun of her when she was a child, calling her stupid for not being able to read or do math.

She's never been super good at reading the room; she can usually discern whether the mood is positive or negative, but not much else. And only really if people are being honest. She can pick up on individual people's moods pretty well though. At least, unless they're actively TRYING to hide it.

She learned to read people's emotions pretty ok because she's very empathetic, and also because her mother's expression was often a sign of if Junia had done something 'wrong' or 'weird' again...and she wanted to make her mother happy, and do things 'right.'

She's quite gullible, and trusting, always believing people have good intentions. She's a bit more cautious than, say, Kalim, because her mother always told her not to trust strangers so easily. But when someone is in front of her, and being nice to her, she just feels bad thinking they could be suspicious, so it doesn't take too long for her to start to become more comfortable around them.

It's happened before that people she thought were her friends were just her 'friends' to make fun of her behind her back.

Often, her trains of thought make no sense to others around her.

She's always liked things other thought of as 'weird'. Like for example having a huge love of flowers- almost all of which don't even grow underwater- and cats- which DEFINITELY don't live underwater. But also things people consider 'scary' like horror! Whenever she's seen a big monster in a story, she's never been scared of it, instead seeing it as a friend.

Because people have always struggled to understand her, and called her weird, she's always felt like an outsider, even when she was surrounded by people. So she feels more at home with monsters, and cats, and most things that AREN'T people. And monsters in particular, because they can understand what it feels like to be different.

In fact, when she was little, she dreamed of marrying a monster, thinking what good friends they'd be.

She doesn't really 'mask'...it's more that she's just silent more often than if no one had ever reacted negatively to her openly being herself. Because of the weird looks she used to get when she spoke her mind, she just...doesn't, anymore. At least, not unless she considers someone her friend.

As an example, she feels comfortable speaking her mind, no matter how 'weird' it might sound, with the rest of the Pop Music Club. Probably because Kalim is likely very similar to her in that regard, and Lilia kinda is too, since fae have a different way of thinking than most non-fae people. It's mostly just Cater who sometimes has trouble understanding what she's thinking or what she means.

Lisle

He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Info from mayoclinic.org, again, since they're basically my best friend when it comes to this stuff

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them.

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy.

Narcissistic personality disorder affects more males than females, and it often begins in the teens or early adulthood. Some children may show traits of narcissism, but this is often typical for their age and doesn't mean they'll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder.

Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can:

Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.

Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.

Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.

Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.

Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.

Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.

Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.

Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.

Take advantage of others to get what they want.

Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.

Be envious of others and believe others envy them.

Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.

Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they view as criticism. They can:

Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special recognition or treatment.

Have major problems interacting with others and easily feel slighted.

React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.

Have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior.

Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.

Withdraw from or avoid situations in which they might fail.

Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.

Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure."

Lisle is, again, say it with me now, just pretty good at hiding all of this, to the point where most people don't realize this is what's going on in his head. He himself had no idea about it.

I think, after his Overblot, he'd be made to go to therapy of some kind, where he'd start to find out more about this and his own troubles in his personal relationships with others.

I don't think his fundamentally selfish mindset would ever really change; it's just part of him. And since he still does treat people pretty well, for Lisle, it's not exactly something that's TOO much of an issue.

Veronica

Also has Borderline Personality Disorder

She has the 'Petulant' subtype. For her meaning the symptoms that manifest stronger in her are the 'explosive anger'

The Petulant subtype is most often characterized by: Passive aggressive behaviors, directing anger outward, a feeling that it's the world- not the person- who is at fault, unpredictable moodswings, and a need to feel in control.

She feels constantly angry, at both the world AND at herself, often with no clear cause or reasoning.

I'm only just now, after reading through a lot of stuff I wrote her saying as part of other fandom settings, am I realizing just how…I guess 'mellow' Veronica currently is compared to what she used to be when she was younger?

Like… look at these quotes:

"Why do you care? What, is it a crime to read a book now?"

Veronica becomes angry "You— you think I hadn't thought of that? I can't! That's why I fucking asked you in the first place! Ugh, just, forget it! I'll go read a book about it or something." And she storms away.

This was her attitude all the time, on a regular basis, with EVERYONE. Talk to her, no matter the topic, and it's very likely you'll be yelled at, with her taking everything as having insulting or malicious intent, which also handily ticks off the 'feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality' symptom.

She was always just— so angry. Angry because she couldn't really trust anyone but herself, so she was always stuck in 'defense' mode. So now that she actually has friends she trusts and respects, who trust and respect her too, and she has her brother back, it's like she feels more safe.

And she definitely swore way more before NRC, even though she still swears a lot now. Credit to Vil for that.

It really goes to show what a good support system and learning to better manage that anger can do for people with BPD.

And now, for the thing about 'childhood experiences' playing some part of it... Though first- I do think it could be possible that her mother having a few traits of it, such as intense emotions, could also be part of it for Veronica.

But for people with BPD, when it comes to trauma, it's thought that a disruption in attachment at an early age could cause it For Veronica...take your pick, really.

Losing her parents, then her brother, and then her father... Any one of them could have brought about SOME of it...so just imagine what all three of them, along with the disorienting experience of basically being 'thrown out of the nest' before she was ready- being sent to that school halfway across the country, where she knew no one and nothing was familiar to her, after having gone through so many already traumatic losses...and then add to that her original teacher having provided her no comfort.

Victor

Has SYMPTOMS OF Antisocial Personality Disorder

According to the medical website Mayclinic.org:

"Symptoms of antisocial personality disorder include repeatedly:

Ignoring right and wrong.

Telling lies to take advantage of others.

Not being sensitive to or respectful of others.

Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or pleasure.

Having a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated.

Having problems with the law, including criminal behavior.

Being hostile, aggressive, violent or threatening to others.

Feeling no guilt about harming others.

Doing dangerous things with no regard for the safety of self or others.

Being irresponsible and failing to fulfill work or financial responsibilities.

Adults with antisocial personality disorder usually show symptoms of conduct disorder before the age of 15. Symptoms of conduct disorder include serious, ongoing behavior problems, such as:

Aggression toward people and animals.

Destruction of property.

Lying and dishonesty.

Theft.

Serious violation of rules.

Antisocial personality disorder is considered a lifelong condition. But in some people, certain symptoms ― particularly destructive and criminal behavior ― may decrease over time. It's not clear whether this decrease is a result of the effect aging has on their mind and body, an increased awareness of the impact that antisocial behavior has had on their life, or other factors."

Though I would add that, the fact that Victor actually has a very good sense of what is and is not societally appropriate is why I only said he has SYMPTOMS of it, since I'm not a doctor, and thus wouldn't know if that would or would not make him applicable for a diagnosis.

Artemisia

Is autistic, has ADD (like ADHD, but the MIND is hyperactive rather than the body), anxiety, and depression

As her ADD pertains, she has a habit of getting lost in her thoughts quite often. Or a book. She has difficulty focusing on multiple things at a time, and can feel overwhelmed if there's a lot that needs to be done. But so long as she just decides to pick ONE thing to focus on, it usually winds up ok, though it does make her stressed.

The anxiety is mostly SOCIAL anxiety, and for a pretty clear reason, that being her past experiences WITH people. But still anxiety, so I think it counts.

Depression... It's something she's struggled with since she was pretty young.

Shutting yourself into your room for years on end with nothing to do each day except read books doesn't exactly create the best conditions for good mental health.

She's legitimately had suicidal thoughts for many years, since she thought she had no reason to live. She never tried anything, though, because she just didn't want to. For her it more manifested as a lot of escapism through books. That or just sleeping for a whole day.

It's started to get a bit better now though. More stable. Now she has friends like Idia, Silver and Sebek. Idia knows exactly what all that stuff feels like, Silver tries his best to understand despite not having felt them himself, and Sebek tries to get her to do more stuff outside of her room. So she has a lot of supportive people around her, and she's grateful for it.

Because she doesn't want to keep feeling like that...she does want to feel ok.

She's never been good at understanding the emotions of other people. She can understand simple expresssions, but not automatically. It's a bit stilted, like someone who didn't grow up learning a specific language learning to read it; it's a manual process, instead of an automatic one. And since she's unable to pick up on things unless they're expressed in words, she ends up not knowing

She's always been completely unable to understand subtext unless she has it spelled out for her. She's also thus very bad at knowing when she's being lied to. She's so used to living in a world of only her- and she's the type who always tells the truth no matter what, and to her it's just a foregone conclusion that it's the good and rational thing to do- that others being capable of deception isn't a thought that enters her mind often. At least, not when she herself is involved.

Even if she sees a discrepancy in the things someone said and did, she always assumes they must have just misspoken, or made some other mistake, or not realized it. She assumes there has to be a reason for it.

It just doesn't come naturally to her to think someone could be operating in bad faith.

She also has a lot of sensory issues. Her senses of touch and hearing are VERY sensitive. One of the reason she doesn't like crowds is because she kinda has no 'filter' for her ears-- she hears EVERYTHING around her; the ticking of the clock, the humming of the lights, and the conversation on the other side of the room. None of it ever becomes 'just background noise' to her.

And she can't stand it when most people, even those she likes, touch her. She always refuses to shake people's hands because her sense of touch is so sensitive that it often ends up overwhelming her and making her uncomfortable. This also leads to her being unable to wear an item of clothing unless the tag has been removed, because otherwise how uncomfortable it feels is all she can focus on.

Tagging @angelwishess BC ANGEL MADE ME DO THIS-- /hj

#🌻tomoe #🐰irina #🥊spike #🐚junia #😇lisle #🐝veronica #🩸victor #🦢artemisia #moony's ocs

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f1nalboys · 1 year ago

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Hiiiiiii I love ur Randy stuff so like…. What if Randy and reader were trying out role playing their fav horror characters (reader as final girl, Randy as the slasher) but he keeps calling out reader for being ooc, so reader gets annoyed and makes them switch roles. And Randy is like,,,, INTO it 🫣

anon. anon..... u r the love of my life i fear we are to be married in three days time bc omggggggg THIS REQUEST DID SOMETHING TO ME...... thank you. anyways i rlly hope you like this!!!!! i had sm fun writing it hehe >:) and maybe perhaps ill do a part two for this later on but for now hehe

Randy Meeks x GN!Reader

WORD COUNT: 1482

WARNINGS: nsfw, roleplay (killer/victim,) predator/prey dynamics, knife play, degradation, dom!reader, sub!randy, dry humping, premature ejaculation, implication of oral (reader recieving), lot's of 'victim's and 'slut's are said, mention of having a safeword but it's not used, sorta kinda proofread yall know me at this point

“They wouldn’t do that!” Randy’s voice calls out again, back to his usual tone with a hint of annoyance. You pause, grinding your teeth as you turn around. You had just reached the front door of the cabin you and Randy had rented for the weekend for your little roleplay and he had dropped the act in an instant, huffing from behind you. His mask is off and held in his hand at his waist, his eyes narrowed. “You should’ve run up the stairs.”

“Randy, c’mon-”

“I’m serious! Why would you run outside?”

“Because that’s what I’d do if a masked killer was chasing me!” You huff, tugging at the pajamas you were wearing. “Are you sure you even want to do this? You say you want the whole ‘thrill of the chase’ and then keep stopping to tell me I’m fucking it up.” Randy sighs, walking over to you and wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you in close to him.

He kisses your forehead. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m being a dick, I know.” You hum, agreeing, and he snorts. Taking a deep breath, he pulls back from you and shrugs. “Maybe I’m just not gonna be able to get the vision out of my head… I don’t know, let’s just… stop for the night, okay?”

“No, no, I want to do this with you,” you say, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. You stare at him for a moment, your mind searching for a solution, when an idea hits you. Your soft smile turns slightly sinister as you reach down, taking the mask from him and running your finger along the white ghostly face. “I have an idea… if you’re up for it.” You say quietly, looking up at Randy.

He cocks an eyebrow at you, noting your change in demeanor. “Alright… I’m intrigued. Can’t tell if I’m more scared or turned on by your smile… I think it’s sexy how scary and cryptic you’re being.” You snort at his words, rolling your eyes. “So… what’s your idea, baby?”

“Let’s swap places. You’ll be the sexy guy home alone…and I’ll be the killer.” You palm him, the fabric of both his jeans and his costume impeding most of your touch, but you get the desired result; Randy groans under his breath, eyes fluttering closed for the briefest of moments. “That way you can be the perfect victim for me, won’t you baby? Get your adrenaline running… get the chase you’ve always wanted… but you’ll just be the one getting chased.”

You can see the gears turning in his head as he considers it, his eyes flicking upwards towards the ceiling before he shrugs. “Fuck it, why not.” Randy takes a slight step away from you and pulls the costume off of him, bundling it up and passing it off to you. He watches with an eager smile as you pull the robe over your clothes. “Might need this,” he hums, passing you the large hunting knife and the sheath from his belt, and you grin, holding it tightly before you pull the mask onto your face. “You look sexy.”

Grinning, you tilt your head to the side in silence. Randy’s eyes have a flicker of recognition of you taking your role seriously. He gives you a wink. “Right, right. Silent killer, only taunting when they’re ready…” He looks around the dim cabin and shrugs. “Wanna start back up where you and I left off, then?” You answer by slowly pulling the knife from its sheath, the blade bright against the dark background. Randy turns on his heel and runs, bolting up the steps. You follow quickly, hot on his trail.

Randy puts up a pretty good fight. He’s faster than you and he dives into the character of ‘final boy’ with ease, kicking you off of him when you finally catch up and grab ahold of his shirt. He curses, breaking character to reach over to you and ask if you’re alright. You respond with a slice of the knife, grazing his arm.

He yelps, stumbling back onto his ass as he clutches his arm, staring at the thin cut across his arm before you jump on top of him, pushing him onto his back and pinning him to the floor. “Get off me!” Randy says, struggling underneath you, but the sight of the blade waving in front of his face causes him to still. You sit back onto his stomach, your legs on either side of him. Carefully and silently, you drag the tip of the knife down his face.

“Pretty little Randy,” you coo, an edge to your voice he had never heard before. “So desperate to get chased around and fucked, right?” He swallows heavily, flinching away from the knife as you drag it along the side of his face. His lips part, ready to say something, wincing when you dig the knife into his cheek a little harder. “Don’t fucking talk.” You fix the mask on your face, allowing you to see a bit better, before you remove the knife from his face. Scooting backwards, you grind against his clothed cock and laugh cruelly at the bulge you can feel. “You’re getting off on this, aren’t you?”

Randy shakes his head, his cheeks flushing, but he can’t deny the way he lifts his hips to grind against you harder or the small gasp he lets out. “N-No, I’m not,” he says, his voice catching at the end as you grind down against him harder. “Fuck, fuck, o-okay…” Randy swallows hard, closing his eyes. “I kinda am.”

“Isn’t that just pathetic.” You hum, setting a slow pace against him. The movement of your hips was driving him crazy, whimpers spilling from his lips despite his best efforts to hold them back. “Aww, is it feeling good? Your heart’s beating like crazy,” you say as you lay your hand flat against his chest, the knife in your other hand coming to rest against his neck. “I can feel it. You know what else I can feel?”

“Wh-what?”

“How much of a slut you are.” You leer, digging the knife into his neck, just enough to scare him. Well, scare a normal person. Instead, Randy’s eyes shut and he lets out a loud groan, his hips sputtering slightly against your still-grinding hips. You grin, tilting your head again. “See? Only a dirty, disgusting, depraved whore would like this. Bet you’re close, too, aren’t you, Randy?”

He shakes his head, gulping, his eyes still squeezed tight. “M’not, fuck, I’m not close.”

“No? So if I stopped, you’d be alright with that, then?” You question, purposely slowing your hips down. Randy whines, shaking his head despite the threat of the blade, and you grin. “See? You want me to keep going so you can cum in your pants with a knife to your neck.” You grind down harder, rolling your hips, biting your tongue to keep from moaning. You had to pretend you weren’t into this just as much as he was.

Randy's eyes roll into the back of his head as he cums in his jeans, his hips thrusting upwards to gain even more friction against you. “Fuck,” he pants as you finally slow your hips down, still positioned on top of him. He blinks up at you, letting the mask come into focus when he laughs, reaching up and pulling it off of you. “That was fucking amazing. You did way better at being the killer, honestly.”

You snort, leaning down to kiss him briefly before sitting back up. “You don’t think we’re done, do you?” You ask with a tilt of your head, your smile growing at the confusion on his face. You drag the tip of the knife down his chest gently, wetting your bottom lip with your tongue before slipping the blade under his shirt and slicing. Randy flinches at the sound of the cutting fabric, his heart hammering in his chest.

“What the hell are you doing, Y/N?” He asks, looking down as he watches you trail the knife over his stomach to his freckled chest. “C-come on, knock it off.”

“You know what to say to get me to stop,” you say harshly, though your eyes are a little softer, searching his fear-filled eyes to see if he needed a break. When he doesn’t respond with the safe word, you grin, standing up. “Stay fucking still,” you grunt, putting the knife inbetween your teeth as you pull your shorts and underwear off, tossing them to the side before settling back down over his lap. “Be a good little victim and do what I want and maybe, just maybe,” you coo as you slide up his body, hiking your costume up over your hips, and it’s clear by the glint in his eye that he understands what you want. “I’ll let you live."

#b does ft13 #f1nalboys masterlist #f1nalboys writing #f1nalboys works #scream #scream 1996 #scream 1997 #scream 2 #randy meeks #randy meeks x reader #randy meeks x y/n #randy meeks x you

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tuxedokit · 5 months ago

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Tell me everything about Della Duck 👀

ILL TRY MY BEST BUT I WILL MOST CERTAINLY NOT SUCCEED!!!!! SHE IS SO COMPLEX AND VAST AND I wanna kiss her on he mouth I MEAN WHAT WHO SAID THAT

ok SO!!!! heres the tuxsys / luna infodumps about della duck post!!! this is my interpretation, uhhh yeah lets go

shes donald ducks twin sister, and mother of huey, dewey and louie duck. she is described as persustent, headstrong, bold... she would never let people tell her she couldnt do ghings just cause shes a girl. shes a pilot as well

shes not present in her sons lives, at least up until their canon ages of roughly 10 years old. in the older canons, it is simply left there, however eventually in one comic it was expanded upon and revealed that she is on the moon! i believe in this continuity she has no idea 10 years have passed, and is shown in one to only believe herself to have been away for 15 minutes. truly tragic, considering no one has the heart to tell her.

in ducktales 2017, thats where my expertise shines cause my autism show, she haunts the narrative for the entire 1st season, and is presumed to be dead. at the end of the season, it is revealed that her disappearance caused a major rift in scrooge and donalds relationship, with them going no contact from before the boys hatch up until the shows pilot. also, like before, shes on the moon. idk why im talking so formally.

the second season we finally get to meet della and she fucking rules. she reminds me of my mom personality wise, which computes to me as that is a woman who never got an adhd or autism diagnosis and very likely needed one. shes silly, shes brave, shes impulsive, shes reckless. she learned her uncle was making her a surprise rocket ship and stole it for a joyride before it was done. roughly a week before her kids hatched. i have thoughts about that, but thats for later or maybe another ask.

ANYWAY. evidently, stealing an unfinished rocket ship is a Bad Idea; it gets swept up in a cosmis storm and she crashes on the moon. her leg is pinned under some debris of her ship, and she is forced to amputate it. keep in mind she is Completely Alone. then she spends the next ten years, still alone, slowly trying to find a way home to her kids. she has a picture of her, scrooge, donald and the eggs taped up the the wall and she drew what she thinks her kids might look like on the back of it. she went from building SOS signs to trying to rebuild the ship herself (teaching herself ROCKET SCIENCE in the process)

shes in rhe final stretch and then she meets moon aliens who have been here the whole time and also have a thriving society and all the materials she would need to rebuild her ship. because of course theyve been right there the whole time. sure. ten years of solitude and theres been guys here the whole time. at least one of them is a hot butch like twice her height?

the moonlanders help her rebuild her ship and she finally gets to go home and see her family. donald is sent away until the finale because they dont want me to be happy /j fr tho the twins reunion was underwhelming but its wtv i can cope

the reunion of della and scrooge is magnificent though!! along with her meeting her kids <333 they spend a few scattered episodes briefly exploring how she missed so much of their lives and ultimately doesnt know how to be a mom, but theyre a family and theyll work to figure it out. they make like... 2 brief nods to how she spent a decade alone on the moon, but judging by the appearances of younger della in flashback stories, it seems as if shes nearly completely unaffected (i call bullshit but wtv. ill write it myself)

uhhh yeah! theres a LOT of details i didnt touch on this is just a brief synopsis

ALSO!!!! i think shes an aromantic lesbian AND shes my wife bc wheeeee

#tuxsys talks #ducktales #della duck #duckverse #uhhhhh #i could talk about delluna (based dysfunctional yuri selfship) but ill save it :]#i also left a LOT of details out cause i cant infodump the wntire plot of ducktales i am not that powerful yet #anyway!!!!! my adventure wife!!!!!#ducktales spoilers #JESUS CHRIST I WAS YAPPING #SORRY THIS IS LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS FJSKGJDKBF #I STILL HAVE SO MUCH I COUKD SAY TOO GJDNCNDN F

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oatflatwhite · 8 months ago

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Absolutely feel free to not answer but I was wondering how you grew more comfortable being aro/ace? I’m 22 and ace (maybe aro too idk) and I recently ended an on again off again relationship and I am questioning if I ever felt anything towards him in the first place. Im kinda scared bc I love romance but idk if I’ll ever experience it? I wish I was as secure as you seem to be. Thank u in advance 🙂

hey anon :) thank you for reaching out! it's a really hard feeling to come to grips with so i hope i can help in at least a small way.

id'ing as aroace has been quite the journey for me. i've known i was ace for the longest time, but there was a period of several years where i denied even that (thanks 2016 tumblr discourse). eventually i realised that certain feelings would just never happen to me and that was ok - because i could still have romance, right? well!

i think it was around 2021 i kind of thought hold on. i've lived 23 years on this goddamn earth and don't think i've ever had a real romantic feeling/urge for someone who wasn't a fictional character/someone i didn't "force" myself to like because everyone in high school has crushes, right? so i thought about it and just went oh. oh! and it almost felt as though a weight came off my shoulders. like, yes, i was fucking bummed to realise i would probably never fall in storybook love. but there was this sense of a burden i could unshoulder because suddenly i wasn't beholden to the need to find that love, you know? i could just. be me. and even though it might make me sad sometimes, it's enough.

since then i've been up and down about it, absolutely. i even had a brief period last year where i convinced myself i actually did like this guy in real life! through a comedy of errors i realised that romance in my head was fine but any kind of real life interaction in that vein made me sick to my stomach fr lol. (for real! he had to drive me home in my own goddamn car bc i felt so ill.) i still get upset about it sometimes too. i mean, all i write is romance. i read and watch a lot of romance too. romance is every fucking where and it is so ingrained to be a part of everyone's lives that to try and distance yourself from it in order to feel more comfortable not feeling it is. virtually impossible.

where i am right now, 26 years old, 10 years into my ace journey and about 3 into my aro one, is here: i like my life. i love my friends. i can't force myself into a feeling that i will never have. and maybe at times i will be lonely and sad about it, but building a community has helped so much. whether that's with other aro/ace people, or just your friends or family or anyone else you trust with this. because romantic love =/= personal fulfilment, happiness, success. we've just been told it does. it just takes work to make yourself believe otherwise.

and it's ok to be sad about it. but even if you feel lonely, you're not alone.

also, because i'm nothing if not a girl who loves a bibliography, i would recommend checking out these sources:

loveless by alice oseman

ace: what asexuality reveals about desire, society and the meaning of sex by angela chen

this essay by k.a. cook

and pinging a couple blogs with some good aro resources, though i'm sure there's more out there! @aroworlds @arowitharrows

#anon #answered #ace tag #<333

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billysjoel · 3 months ago

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apologies in advance for the following rant that you really don't have to read if you don't want to.

my parents have been raising my nephew since he was just over a year old and he'll be 7 in march. i had to move back in with them in early 2023 bc of my medical and financial issues. as he gets older, the more violent, disobedient, mean he gets, and his outbursts and tantrums are nightmarish at home and at school.

a couple weeks ago, they were finally able to meet with a doctor (he already has a good pcp and has recently established with a psychiatrist) and he had a full day of testing. he's already been diagnosed with ADHD. they got the results today, which confirmed that. in addition, he's also on the autism spectrum, though i don't really know to what degree yet. but he also has dmdd and after checking it out on nimh, it fits him to a t. but jesus christ, don't read the treatment section unless you want to feel hopeless.

it's a newer disorder, first in the dsm in 2013, and listed is cbt or medications, none of which are specifically for dmdd. i looked at a few reddit posts from parents of children with the disorder and it's exactly what we're dealing with and the outlook feels so bleak. his frontal lobe is underdeveloped, so he's unable to regulate emotions the same way other kids of his age are.

and the real kicker? my sister tricked her boyfriend of 3 months at the time into getting her pregnant, telling him she was taking her birth control when she wasn't. she has borderline personality disorder but won't seek treatment for it and every direct result of her actions is always someone else's fault in her eyes, so she refuses to take accountability for anything. and she smoked pot for the entire duration of her pregnancy, claiming that it HELPS brain development 🙃

in summary, if i 1) wasn't dealing with multiple chronic illnesses, 2) wasn't so close with my parents and grandparents, and 3) didn't have severe anxiety, i would pick up and move so far away from all of this. i'm sure a lot of this sounds insensitive from the outside, but i don't mean it to. i know none of this is his fault, but the fact of the matter is that his behavior takes a massive toll on my own mental health because it's quite literally constant. loud, violent outbursts, one right after another over the most miniscule triggers. yelling, screaming, swearing, hitting, throwing, kicking, etc. if he doesn't get precisely his way. and my parents are trying and they love him dearly, but they're also not very consistent, which makes me fucking nuts.

i just. i don't know what to do and it doesn't look like there's a ton that can be done. he's tried so many meds already and the one that seemed to help for a while is starting not to and he's gotten even worse. i dread him coming home from school each day and literally count down the hours until bed time. and even then, he'll get up multiple times after they put him to bed for no reason and then throws a tantrum when they tell him to go back to bed.

however bad you think it might be, i can guarantee you it's worse living with it. i'm not being dramatic. he's a nightmare to be around and he's hurt teachers and other students, not to mention how rough he is with my parents. he has an iep and hopefully this testing and results will open more doors for help at school, but apart from math, he couldn't be less interested. all he wants to do is play on the playground and then disrupts the classroom when he doesn't get his way. he's thrown chairs, hit other children, made them bleed, etc. and again, i feel like i have to state that i know this isn't his fault, that he's not doing these things on purpose, but something's gotta give, right? i'm exhausted and miserable and i can only spend so much time holed up in my bedroom, and even then, my door has to stay open enough for my cats to get in and out, and you can hear everything downstairs even at a normal volume, let alone screaming. we only have one vehicle because mine got repo-ed after i lost my job and before my long-term disability got approved, so i can't just leave the house any time i want, plus that'll be even less of an option once winter comes.

i hate it here, basically.

#ramblings #does this make me seem like a terrible person? 😭

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justtopostmyfic-blog · 2 years ago

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hii Mew @parknights : whumpy h/c casual imagines!

"boy, man, baby" (parker/jess + dad roman) Parker gets seizures, not graphic. And later he tries to vomit but can't, so no puke described.

Pp is lying in a hospital bed in a fetal position, he was admitted after he got knocked out by real toxin gas. Jess escaped unscathed and has just arrived at his bedside where he's mostly conscious now. ...

"I feel weird." Parker whines twice within a few minutes.

"Weird how, cub?" Jess asks him after the second time, sounding very worried and a little exasperated. Everything looked normal on the monitors.

Parker doesn't know how to articulate what he's going through, he has never felt this way before. Grey-tinged aura, and like the room and Jess are zooming in and out. He swallows dryly against his nausea and just shakes his head defeatedly.

5-10 minutes pass. Parker closes his eyes and tries his hardest to calm down and get some rest. Jess sees the familiar "11" lines around his tightly knit eyebrows slowly relax, and her whole body starts to relax too along with his face. He must be feeling better, she thinks.

Her worry fades and it feels a lot more tranquil. She strokes his hair and shoulder to help calm him further and lull him to sleep.

Suddenly, his whole body goes limp and then he jerks uncontrollably in a seizure. His eyes roll back in his head, he's drooling, and Jess gets alarmed and terrified and yells for the nurses.

After the docs dose him with anti-seizure meds, Jess is wracked with guilt that she didn't listen to Parker or help him sooner. But all his vital signs on the monitors looked stable when she was with him before the seizure, how could she have known?

When she's allowed to see him again, he doesn't blame her at all ofc. He just wants her to hold his hand bc he's so exhausted and scared. Her fingers do the tightening around his limp ones because he's too tired to clasp back. The nurses had placed a puppy pad under his face and he can't help it as he drools intermittently. Jess cleans his face with her free hand whenever that happens.

// The docs say Parker can be discharged the next day, but he needs someone to stay with him 24/7 for the next week. Parker calls his dad, and ofc Roman will stay with Parker at his apartment while he recuperates.

// Maybe some others in the team were also exposed to the toxic gas, but they could be discharged the same day and were cleared to go back to work the next day. Could be because Parker got exposed to a higher dose, or because he is older and more frail. Parker spends many moments awake wondering that same thing himself.

// the theme is (which i will demonstrate below lol): Roman is sorta comfortable with his own mortality (he lives in a senior facility, hello! He thinks to himself). But he has never, before this, considered that his son might get deathly ill before him. He has also never considered that his (youngest?) boy is an now old man too.

Roman has to come to terms with Parker and his dangerous occupation as an NCIS detective, and it sucks to think about. (If Parker was a navyman, he would have been honorably discharged long before this age.)

// day 1: Parker wakes up as Jess gets ready for work, and he sees her out the door as she leaves (and kisses him). Roman has prepared breakfast and Parker eats a little bit before he goes back to bed. Roman is reminded of when his son was 10 years old on school break, and his beloved bride Iris was still around.

Parker sleeps through lunch, he's really wiped out from the seizure 2 days ago. Roman watches a matinee movie on low volume and feels bored and lonely. He likes to needle Alden and it feels like he's alone in Alden's apartment again. He checks on his boy, still sound asleep.

Jess gets home, Alden wakes an hour later. The 3 of them eat a simple dinner. They watch some TV after cleaning up, but Parker falls asleep halfway through a show.

The anti-seizure meds that Parker has to take for the next few weeks make him lethargic and docile. It's kinda cute, like a dopey puppy, but Jess is glad it won't be forever. She misses Alden with his assertiveness, pep and vigor. As her eyes meet Roman's over Parker's slumbering form between them, she can tell he feels the same way, in his own way.

// day 2: Roman and Alden take a little late morning walk. Roman can see Alden's energy is flagging, so he pretends he wants to sit and then turn back. Alden agrees to it, he knows what his dad is doing.

Later in the day, the two Parkers bake a tasty old-fashioned cake! They have quite a nice time together, and Parker is pleased to surprise Jess when she gets back. They even bake enough for her to take to work the next day!

Jess is the one who ends up doing the surprising. She texted him a few times throughout the day and since she knows he's more alert today, she brings home his favorite neapolitan pizza for them all to share and a six-pack of no-alcohol beer.

Parker is thrilled! He's been going a little stir-crazy with domestic life, and Jess knows his fave foods and how he kinda misses a cold beer now that he can't have any with his anti-seizure meds for now.

Parker chows down one and a half slices, which is less than his usual but Jess is happy to see him like this. He looks so content, like a stuffed cat who swallowed the canary. Roman looks content in a different way too, she catches him beaming at his son.

"You gonna finish that?" Jess jokes lightly. Parker shakes his head as he grins at her, so she swipes his half-slice off his plate and eats it.

They decide to play Uno tonight. Parker is pretty happy and rambunctious as he sips his no-alcohol beer. (He told them not to hold back on his account, so Jess has some wine and Roman a thimble of whiskey.)

A few games in, Parker gets quiet. Jess notices that, then checks on the wall clock that it's 9:20pm. Around the same time that Parker unceremoniously fell asleep in front of the TV the night before.

"Park, you tired?" She asks.

Parker shakes his head and slurs "n-no..." as he tries to stand. He stumbles and drops his hand of cards which spill on the small table and floor. Jess rushes up to catch him by his armpits so he doesn't fall or hurt himself.

Parker's fist tightens around the back of her pyjamas shirt as he clutches on. "I... bathroom..." He struggles to keep his feet under him, and the two of them awkwardly shuffle to the bathroom. (More like she drags him as he drags his feet.) From the way he's trembling against her, Jess has a pretty good idea that he needs to drool or vomit.

When they make it to the bathroom, Parker flops on all fours in front of the toilet and leans heavily against it. It's scary to see him look like a very drunk person and lose coordination of his limbs. Roman follows closely behind them, and Jess sees her own fears reflected in the elder Parker's face as they take in the sight of Alden now.

They decide quickly that Roman will stay with Alden while Jess calls the doc and asks whether he needs another dose of meds or to go back to the hospital, bc she knows his doc.

Parker is drained from kneeling over the toilet and drooling and panting and after a few long minutes, he stumbles back gracelessly, landing on his butt to sit and catch his breath.

Roman is beside his son, and he rushes to cup the back Alden's head just before it slams into the lip of the clawfoot tub. He still has paternal instincts towards his youngest boy-- and he always will.

Alden cracks his eyes open in gratitude and he sees his father's concerned face. "Mm okay," he tries to reassure his dad. Roman's face furrows even more with worry, maybe his muttering didn't come out as Parker intended.

It's not comfortable for Roman to crouch over like that for too long, so after checking that Alden doesn't get any paler or worse, the older Parker kinda contorts himself so he sits on the edge of the bathtub, all the while still keeping his hand as a shield on the back of Alden's head.

Sitting on the thin, curved lip of the bathtub is far from comfortable too, but it has to do. He's not leaving his son in this state for even a sec. Roman very gently positions Alden so that his boy is leaning his back against Roman's shins and his tired head is cradled in Roman's lap.

When Alden was a boy learning to walk, he and Iris babyproofed the home (again) and made sure there were no sharp edges at Alden's height. Now, six decades later, Roman is doing the same thing for different reasons.

"Doc says to keep an eye out. We only have to go to the hospital if there's a seizure." Jess conveys solemnly, but she's relieved.

"Musta been th' beer." Parker jokes weakly, some of his strength coming back.

Roman swats his shoulder lightly. Jess fixes him with a mock-stern look then chuckles at his confused face.

(they both love their old cub/ young bub so much)

A long while later, they get Parker settled in bed in the recovery position. All of them are exhausted and still on edge. They know there's still a possibility that Parker could have a seizure later in the night.

Jess walks out of their bedroom to head to the kitchen one last time and she almost runs into Roman in the hallway headed for his room.

"We'll leave the bedroom door open tonight okay?"

Just in case. So you'll know if something happens.

Roman nods in agreement and he steps towards Jess to give her a tight hug. "Thank you." In spite (Because) of all the stress tonight, it feels like they've grown closer, bonded over their love for Alden.

In the kitchen, Jess sees the bundt cake that Parker had proudly and carefully wrapped up after dinner. Oh yeah, she was supposed to take that into work tomorrow, but not if something bad happens to Parker tonight.

She returns to the bedroom and put a glass of water at each of their bedsides. Jess thinks quickly, and then she also discreetly pulls the trashcan close to his side of the bed. Parker doesn't see her doing it because he's curled up facing her side of the bed: still boneless in the recovery position, and also like he's waiting anxiously for her to come to bed too.

"Sorry I ruined our night," Alden mumbles after she has laid down in bed facing him.

"Hey Park, you didn't ruin anything. Except for maybe my winning streak." She soothes, then switches to joking. A surprised chuckle bubbles up in his chest against her palm, and it's the best thing she's heard and felt all night. (The hug with Roman felt pretty nice too. In a different, mutually comforting way!)

#whump fic #alden parker #old frail sick and cute #he looks like a grumpy hedgehog

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crowtrobotx · 1 year ago

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Thank you all for your amazing support related to the spontaneous rage quitting of my job lol.

I have a lot of support IRL and afar and I feel incredibly fortunate for that. I talked to my mom today and I was frank about the truth that ever since my dad died, even though it was years ago now, I’ve been thinking about how I spend my time - and of course, by extension, what I did for a living. And how I feel that even though I’m sure they didn’t mean it, a lot of the pressure I felt as the only child of two financially successful adults led me down a path where I felt like I had to at least replicate or exceed that, even to the detriment of my physical and mental health. Being friends with a lot of folks who have found financial success also didn’t help my deep rooted feelings that I needed to tie my value and worth to what I was able to produce and perform. And yes, I know the people who love me care most that I am happy. But I lost sight of that partially because good old ~capitalism~ and partially bc of mental illness.

My dad hated his job in the end. He was miserable and coming home every day ranting and raving about the conditions he was in and his boss’s expectations. And then one day he suffered a freak medical event, with no warning, much younger than his mother or his father were when they passed and when I sat there in the hospital, alone and holding his hand while the heart monitor slowed to a halt, it fundamentally fractured something in me. And then a few months later I found out I had something wrong with me, something that might completely disable me one day or make my ability to do the things I love that much harder. And I’m only sorry that it took me this long to realize how much time I was wasting and sacrificing.

Anyway. That’s a lot of words to say: if you’re struggling to let go of something right now that’s making you sad or mad or otherwise weighing you down, as scary as it is: let this be your sign to free yourself. Move on. You will be okay.

#cw death #I am feeling very emotional and probably will for a while just fyi #sorry not sorry lol. this may not be the last overly weepy post.

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dogmatik · 2 years ago

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under a readmore bc its long and pretty boring, just a unfinished day in the life type thing with billy and stu. cannot for the Life of me find the fic that inspired stus weird dead-shit photography, but ill keep looking and link it when i do.

There’s a polaroid of a squirrel on Stus messy desk. The thing looks pretty much the same as it would any other time, except its laying on the asphalt with all its little legs spread wide. There's a smear of red next to its nose, but other than that, it looks like the little creature could hop up a tree any second. Billy picks up the picture, finding another underneath. Same squirrel, different angle, same sleeping-with-its-eyes-open look. Billy remembers when he first saw Stu’s weird photography. They’d been around 12, Stu’s parents got him a polaroid for his birthday, and he took pictures of everything. There were some of his family, friends at school, trees at the park, but there were some others too. Stu had this dumb Transformers binder full of images. There were a lot stuffed in the back pocket, and Billy has never been very concerned with the privacy of others.

Stu had come back to his room with some goldfish to find Billy in the middle of his bedroom floor, surrounded by square pictures of dead raccoons and dried up little birds. “You’re such a freak.” Billy had said, eyes trained on an especially unfortunate cat.

“Wanna do Leprechaun 2?” Billy hears Stu ask behind him, the sound of VHS boxes being shuffled. “We’ve watched that like 4 times this week.” “Still got it for a couple days.” more shuffling, Billy sets down the photograph of the squirrel and plops into the chair at Stus desk, watching the other boy rearrange his collection of tapes. “Is that Brainscan?” Stu pauses, tracks Billy's eyes. He holds up the tape. “Yeah, you wanna watch it?” “I thought that was a rental too.” “Nah, bought it. Randy came over to watch it like, fifteen times. Kid loves this movie!” Billy rolls his eyes. “He would.” Stu sets it firmly in the “No” pile, and keeps shuffling. “April Fool's?” Billy thinks for a second. “Sure, I’ll go make popcorn.” Stu starts switching tapes. “Coulda done that while I looked!” Billy doesn't acknowledge him, just heads down the stairs to Stu’s kitchen. The house is quiet, empty but for the two boys. Stu’s parents are always on some trip, or business thing, or generally anywhere but home. Stu doesn't complain much, being so used to it. Billy appreciates it, always good to have a place without somebody's parents around that isn't the mall or school. Stu’s pantry is always full, popcorn and soda and junk, what you’d expect leaving a 17 year old alone with two weeks of grocery money. Billy snags some jiffy pop, sets the stove on and wanders the kitchen. He’s been coming to the Macher’s since grade school, knows where they keep the big popcorn bowls and butter.

He knows where the knives are too, and not for the first time this week, hell not for the first time tonight he wonders what Stu’s face would look like if he came upstairs with a knife instead of snacks. He’d think he was joking, probably. Make some dumb joke about teenagers being left alone making bad choices. He wonders how fast Stu would catch on, how long it’d take for that ever-present grin to slip. Would he fight him? He’d probably try to take the knife, and he just might be able to. He hasn't wrestled Stu in years now, but he's always been bigger. Clumsy maybe, but that wingspan might just be enough to compensate. He thinks that makes it better, more exciting if there's a fight. He’s never drawn blood from a person before, even in scraps with the neighbors’ kids over who’s turn it was to do whatever they spent their afternoons doing. Or jokes about his mom he took too seriously. He’s pretty sure Stu would put up a good fight, the thought makes his pulse quick. Billy realizes he's spent too much time fantasizing about blades and chokeholds when he smells something burning. He whips around to find the popcorn billowing dark smoke, goes to grab the handle just as the fire alarm starts its shril ring. Over it he can hear “Billy?” from up stairs, followed by lots of thumping. The handle sends a white hot pain through his palm, and he has just enough time to throw it into the sink. “What the hell man!” Stu sounds angry, but mostly just looks surprised. “Get the fucking alarm will you?” Billy snaps, and even after Stu clambers onto a chair and turns the damn thing off, Billy can still hear it in his skull. He’s turned on the tap, the fire sputtering and hissing under the spray. “Why'd you burn the popcorn?” “Like I did it on purpose?” Billy leans against the counter, looks at his palm. There’s a streak of white across it, the skin turned bright pink at the edges. “You okay?” Stu asks, softer than Billy thinks he’s ever heard him. Sorta like when he’s talking in the library, but calmer. Stu’s never been able to sit still, never been able to keep quiet. Billy remembers being annoyed by it, but mostly jealous. Jealous because even when he did laugh too loud in the library, or thump into some fragile shelf, people mostly just laughed. They gave him an endeared head shake and sent him off to expend his energy elsewhere. Billy never got to let go like that, always one too many grimaces or scoffs away from being sent to detention or his fucking room.

Billy looks up, watches as Stu’s bright blue eyes shift from his face to his palm. “We should get some ice for that.” Stu pulls open the freezer, pushing aside french fries and nuggets to get to the ice packs at the bottom. “It’s fine, doesn't even hurt.” Billy says, but takes the ice pack once it's wrapped in a dish towel. “Seriously man, what gives. You been like, super spacey.” There’s a popcorn kernel on the floor, half popped, blending into the light tiles. He’s pretty sure he can smell singed skin, but maybe that's just him being morbid again. Billy’s pulled roughly from his thoughts by Stu snapping in his face “Earth to Bill!” He says, and Billy slaps his hand away “Fuck off Macher, I just forgot about it. There wasn't an actual fire, was there? I’ll open the windows and it’ll be like nothing happened”. “Man, that's not the point! You been weird all day. Not even the fun weird. You okay?”

Billy hates that. Such a stupid waste of time question. When's he ever been able to answer honestly?. People like him can't, not unless they wanna get locked up in some padded hole somewhere. “I don't know. Probably.” Billy answered, more honest than he meant. Stu looks at him like he gets it, this serious expression on his face, like the one he gets when he's real focused on landing a trick on his skateboard. Then he grins, all teeth, and turns to leave the kitchen. “I got an idea! C’mon kid!” Stu yells from the garage door, and Billy’s stunned enough to follow.

Stu’s parents are some of the few people on the planet who actually have useful junk in their garage. All power tools and fishing equipment and snow gear. Billy thinks about the rubbermaid bins in his parents shed out back, baby clothes they're never gonna touch again and tchotchkes pushed on them by a dead relative. Billy’s fiddling with a golf club when Stu emerges from further in the garage, some hard case in his hand. “Check it out! My mom got me this for Christmas. Not time yet, but what she don't know won't hurt her.”

#stuilly #billy loomis #stu macher #scream 1996 #scream movie #billy/stu #i think billy is a bizarre little bastard and i think stu probably likes that #i imagine ppl put up with stu more cause hes funny. ppl think hes harmless. billy is handsome and has a sorta wry humor but generally seems #to come off as arrogant. so power tripping authority figures dont generally let him slide as easy.#also i think billys always had a sadistic streak. lots of blood on that boys mind. stu too but he hides it better #like billy spaces out and imagines wild shit. stu helps his dad with dinner and tenderizes the meat with a little too much zeal #any way point is billy is more obviously weird but srus just as much of a freak 2 me #lov them<3 #murder boyfriends

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thedreadvampy · 2 years ago

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I am so tired 😭 not like sleepy tired I'm just like

I don't know I think. I don't really need a lot from anyone. I have built a lot of my life around not needing a lot from anyone bc if you need someone then a) that traps them with you and b) you're pretty fucked if you can't rely on them being able to help

that's not to say I'm some sort of lone wolf John Galt island btw. obviously I need people. I have very often needed help with fairly basic things like eating, leaving the house and having shelter. On this I'm pretty good at asking for help, I've lived a lot of my life very reliant on the help of other people. But I try to avoid being in a situation where I need one specific person to help me, if it's an actual survival need I try and have at least a couple of backups before I ask the first person.

(something that does alarm me is that I do have a couple of exclusively load-bearing people just now. like people who if they weren't there I wouldn't have a second option built in. I guess that's trust? but it's also a lot of pressure to put on them)

so like I have spent a lot of time trying to build myself into a position where people can be unavailable to me or say no to me and I will be fine. I'm not going to die of it or go insane or get hurt. I can be relied on to feed myself, go to work or deal with taking a day off, to manage my bills, to get home safely on my own, to protect my physical safety and look after myself if I get ill, to deal sensibly with stuff going wrong or with a crisis...basically, left alone I Will Manage.

(sometimes managing might look like asking for very specific help like 'could I stay on your sofa tonight?' or 'can I come grab your keys cause I'm locked out' or 'i have covid can you leave 6 mangoes and a 2 litre of water outside my door?' or 'can you come get me because I can't leave the house' but those are always. Options. Not the only choice. If the answer is no I will figure something else out and it will be fine)

But like. What I'm finding a lot more. And I think this is maybe a symptom of being a few years into post-traumatic mode rather than constant crisis and instability. Is that I still don't need things from anyone but I'm very much more aware of how much I want from people. Like I want attention. I want love. I want to be looked after in the way that I have made it my life's goal not to need. I want to like. Be able to fall back and have someone else catch me instead of having to set up my own safe landing and several contingencies.

but at the same time these are wants and not needs. and needs should always take precedence over wants.

Like if I'm going to be fine but a bit lonely if I don't see person X, but someone else is in immediate physical danger of they don't see person X, then obviously person X should go see that other person. If I want sympathy and support from person Y because I'm a bit grumpy but they need my support because they're in crisis like, obviously that interaction needs to be about them. Somebody's survival needs are the priority. If an interaction isn't a survival need then it's a nice-to-have and you can ask for it and expect it from people who love you when they have time but you've got to be ready for that to not be a possibility.

but the difficulty is like. ok so a) I have put my eggs in the not-needing-any-one-specific-person basket, meaning I have worked hard to build strategies meaning very few bits of support are fully load bearing, and b) I'm out of crisis. weird. but other people aren't.

so that means that put simply. I want. Other people need. I will always get by on my own if I have to and not everyone will. I very rarely have a need that I can acknowledge both is a need and can only be fulfilled by a specific person.

so if you're paying attention you will notice that means: I am not ever going to be a drop-everything priority. If something else comes up I'm always going to say 'no you should go look after them/yourself' and mean it even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want you to stay and look after me, bc I know that I will be fine, just temporarily sad about it. Like I'm never going to be in a position where I feel able to ask to be cared for in a way that takes energy away from looking after yourself or other people bc I do not need it. I will manage. I have always managed and anyway things are more manageable now than they've ever been.

but at the same time like. I'm coming to really resent this about myself. I resent that I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself and parenting myself and that I'm constantly balancing other people's needs against my wants. I constantly want to throw myself on the ground and scream and cry and demand attention, like I want to let go completely and fuck up and leave it to other people to catch me, but I can't because that's not fair.

like I want to have needs. I want to be the priority and let myself be the priority. I want to be in dire straits such that people have to put me first or lose me. but like. It doesn't work like that. I've been in extremely bad situations, I've been in near constant crisis for like 20 years, and I've never been able to feel like I'm in a bad enough situation that looking after me should be a priority for anyone because I've always felt like it's on me to drag myself through it and figure it out.

And I have! I've done that! Not without damage but like I'm 30 and I'm still here and I did that. I had help along the way (shout out Alex you fucking lifesaver) but I made that happen.

but in some ways that's uhhhhhh worse? bc I know I'm right that if nobody looks after me I will be ok. I know I'm right that I can manage my own survival even when it feels impossible and even at times when nobody is available to help me. and if that was true when I was much closer to the edge then how can I ask to be prioritised now, when things are pretty much stable and safe for me and very much not that for most of the people around me?

but like. I am so fucking tired. I have been carrying the whole of my own weight and a bunch of other people's non-stop for decades and not been able to let go of any of it and I want so much to put it down. but I don't know how and anyway. it's a want. not a need. and needs come first.

(and it's haaaaaaard because ultimately the problem is with me. I don't prioritise me, and I actively push back when people try to look after me, so I don't think it's anyone's fault but mine. I have decided I can manage and other people can't (and that's pretty narcissistic and self-aggrandizing tbh). so like. If someone asks 'is it ok if I go look after X instead of staying with you' the answer of always gonna be yes. if somebody doesn't ask that but I know they're worrying about X I'm always going to gently encourage them to go deal with X. so I make it very hard to look after me or prioritise me bc ultimately I do think that prioritising me over other needs is almost always the wrong call. It's at the very least internally consistent but it's a very lonely place to be.)

#red said #don't. worry about this this is a VERY long ramble #just gotta put it into words so i can get on with things #im having a day off work BUT bc I'm a responsible adult and it's been getting me down #i know that the best thing i can do for myself is clean the rest of the flat #ie i gotta JORDAN PETERSON VOICE clean my damn room #bc the dust is like. 3mm thick. and it's getting to me

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ankhisms · 2 years ago

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have surprised myself with how much ive been able to get done today altho i know ill be hit with exhuastion soon enough, rambling under the cut about things having mixed emotions but not all bad really

so my room in our house isnt really exactly my own room, its the room with the eletric box, water heater/softener closet, furnace filters, and the washer and dryer. its always been this way so im used to like not really ever having a space thats mine and mine alone but i wont get into that. anyway any time the seasons change (or often on my parents whim and never without any warning) we have to get to the water heater closet and the furnace filter so my room has to be torn apart to get to them. my bed is pushed up against the water heater closet so its like i sleep right next to a door so the bed has to be moved. anyway this is usually a very jarring and upsetting thing since it usually happens without warning or telling me and i have everything i own just moved without being told or warned. but today i decided to take agency in this and i was the one who moved the bed and moved all my things so my dad could get in and turn on the water so we can use the outside hose to water things.

ive been meaning to really deeply clean and sort like, everything i have and everything in my room for probably half a year now and to see what i might want to give away/keep and reorrange things and just like take stock of things for the HOPEFUL future where i can move out and be having my real own space yknow. i finally started this process and it felt good to get everything down and to really deeply dust, ive also been meaning to properly wash old stuffed animals of mine bc i love my stuffed animals dearly but some of the ones i had when i was younger are very clearly showing their age so i looked up tips and instructions on hand washing old stuffed animals and i tested it out on two ones that dont mean as much to me to see if it goes ok before trying to wash ones that i absolutely dont want to ruin and it went well! i definitely can feel myself starting to get tired and having more pain as i write this but im still happy with how much i cleaned and sorted along with washing my sheets/pillows/blankets

the thing that makes me have mixed emotions is that what ive also been meaning to do is.... take down and get rid of the things that were drawn by/given to me by the old long term friend who just suddenly cut me off with no warning or explanation and then only messaged me one more to weirdly say "well im hanging out with my new friends and theyre so cool and great" and not responding to me begging him to tell me what was going on or if i had done anything wrong and wanting to talk things out. we were long distance internet friends for over 10 years so i have a lot of drawings and books hed given me and i didnt really get to taking down a lot of drawings but i sorted through one book in particular, he used to do this thing where hed give me a comic book and hed put in sticky notes in a lot of pages with his thoughts on them. so i went through the pages and took out all the sticky notes one at a time since i want to give the comic book to someone i know will like it. and it was a very... weird feeling. taking them all out. i had read the notes and the book when he first gave it to me but now reading them it felt like.. more bitter than sweet but there was still sweetness there. i recognize looking back that i had rose tinted glasses on for the majority of our relationship and it was probably more toxic than i realized and i often blamed myself for harmful things he did. not at all saying hes a bad person or anything btw i just think we both were very damaged kids from abusive homes and i was probably toxic in ways i didnt realize as well im not without blame here but its weird to realize that our friendship wasnt as healthy as i thought it was. but reading those notes as i took them out it was like... he wrote these at a time where i know he loved me and considered me his close friend and i felt the same. and i still love him. the love i have for anyone, especially a close friend, does not just disappear. it stays within me and is not wasted. but it certainly feels like a weight on my chest in this moment.. i keep thinking, what happened? what changed? he didnt even give me this book that many years ago, maybe three or four at the longest. what happened to make him decide to cut me off like that? i dont know, and i know im not going to get closure. so i just have to hold the love i still have and let it ache but then i have to let go and continue trying to live

i dont know how soon im going to have the opportunity and resources to be able to leave my home situation, its become increasingly obvious to me that its not something i can achieve on my own for a multitude of reasons, i know ill need help and i try to remind myself that im not alone in it and that its not impossible for me to get to a safe environment where i dont feel scared and like a cornered animal. for now i feel good about my decision to try and make my living space feel nicer for myself, although im aware that it never really feels like my own space nor does it ever fully feel safe i still am trying to make jt more comfortable for myself while im here and i feel proud of myself for that

anyway thanks if you read this all, i hope youre doing well mwah

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pctaldrunk · 2 years ago

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ok ok bio drops lumped together and in bullet form bc i anticipate them to be decently short

A direct descendent of one of the ancestral N.ie zongzhus - a cousin or else a little sister of a branch of the previous generation. Old enough and important enough in main timeline to be called “Gugu” by most out of respect at least. Shaoxi grew up to be keeper of ceremonies, a task inherited from her mother - that is, a designated bearer and living library and relic of N.ie sect tradition to pass down to the future generation in the event that a master of the house cannot do so himself, a failsafe that proved across history, given the propensity for many of the sect’s leaders to die young - to be useful.

At a young age, she was apprenticed to be a disciple to a Buddhist nun, and spent half of her time outside of Q.inghe at the temple where her master lived. There, she learned martial arts as well as scripture and the art of war - her master being a strict and eccentric old woman who taught through hardship and more ascetic cultivation practices. Shaoxi found it challenging but - fun. She enjoyed going up against her teacher and eventually outsmarting her. She learned to wield a cudgel - which eventually paves the way for her to modify her saber into a mounted crescent moon blade (or a guandao).

When she was fifteen it was determined that her master could no longer find anything else to teach her, and it would be best to return her to her sect full time. So she did return. Her cultivation is mid-level, largely - only slightly above average, and generally stabilized with her study of buddhist scripture. Her advantages are in skill alone.

To the end of her duty as a keeper of traditions - she cannot leave the ancestral home permanently. Therefore, anyone she marries has to marry into the family instead. Their child will likely bear her family name and carry on her duties as she carried on her mother’s. It made marrying - unexpectedly difficult for her, but she thought nothing of it. Mischievous, vibrant and impish in what appears to be a charming way - she’s never short of suitors but none of them particularly serious. She sees it as fun, mostly.

She travels a lot, meeting many people, and making many friends on her travels - a spirit that seeks freedom, but she always returns to Q.inghe for periods of time to see how things are faring, and because in her heart it will be home forever. There’s steel in her bones and she’s fiercely protective of her family.

No one really knows how old he is or what he used to do - nor does a search turn up anything. He seemed to have no one and belong nowhere. One day, the young man simply showed up at Q.ishan, and became a guest disciple - Yuanzhou rose quickly enough through the ranks, given his aptitude in poisons and, more importantly - the workings of the human psyche - and became a member of a more intimate circle relatively quickly. After all - it seemed as though his compass merely skewed toward whatever was favorable for him at the moment, and all he cared about was his work - the concoctions he developed, the studies he managed to conduct on human nature, and he was undoubtedly - brilliant.

He enjoys living well also. One can never tell what he’s thinking just by looking at him, as he adopts, in general, a friendly and easy going demeanor. A frivolous, handsome youth with impeccable manners who prefers the finer things in life. Well - in truth, he likes to think that’s just his personality, and it is. Generally he bears no ill will to anyone - he’s merely too curious about how people react to calamity and other stressful situations. He has no compass for himself - doesn’t know what he insists on, lives life mildly and largely without goal. And so he wonders what other people might live for, might die for.

This is why, when the stirrings of war first begins in the cultivation world - he decides it’s time to retire. The war seems to him to be - foolish, mad. A fruitless and pointless endeavor, of which he knew he was not interested in. He doesn’t know what he’s interested in - but certainly not this. Perhaps he was just too lazy for it. For all the strategies and games, it was mostly killing - not particularly mentally stimulating.

So he leaves. Goes by whatever name he fancies at that moment, and lives a lazy and still frivolous life. Sees patients when he’s getting tight on money and generally - wanders a bit aimlessly. Still - one might find him where the trouble is. He tends to be sitting at a nearby table drinking the finest tea while looking - without disguising it in particular, of course - curiously at wherever the trouble is coming from.

#bio drops #blog psa : nothing here to hold me. no one that I owe. funny how a boy can grow #((i will clean these up and slap em in docs as soon as i...have a brain cELL LMAO))

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caelfyrekin · 1 month ago

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bored so lets do one of these except i just answer them all here:

1. old scars / future hearts - all time low

2. nostalgic cartoons in general ig but scooby doo came up first in my mind

3. writing for sure! i enjoy multiple creative outlets + writing lets me explore things in different ways than art or edits

4. my favorite feeling is probably just being relaxed which doesnt happen often bc anxiety haha

5. i guess through art and writing? creativity helps me with a lot of things

6. i love fall scents! or lavender... or vanilla... or rain... i like a lot of candle scents oops

7. i feel most like myself when im alone actually im an introvert with no friends atm

8. a nostalgic texture? probably plushies tbh even though i still have a lot of them but a well loved fluffy plushie gives me good vibes

9. the first thing that came to mind was winning an art contest simply by painting an actual picture (i was quite young) to win a giant colorful fish plush

10. i honestly dont remember :(

11. comfort items for me are plentiful... i love all my plushies of course + i rarely take off my rings

12. cats, hugging one of my big plushies, chilling under my weighted blanket, good smells (see 6)

13. well i only have a shower currently + its not very relaxing half the time unfortunately but im not a bath person either really

14. uhhhhh i ordered some patches for a project + some other stuff? idk i like packages theyre fun

15. pasta, pizza, or just cheese in general tbh

16. more art or sprite edits !!! i just need inspiration tbh

17. when im sitting down + a cat just wants to be on/up against me

18. im not sure, id like to think id feel most myself at the age i die because ive been working towards that my whole life but if i get too old i might miss being more able to do things??? but being nonhuman makes me question whether ill ever truly feel like myself in this lifetime

19. a love letter? i dont think so lol

20. when i was getting ready to go off to college for the first time, i sat on the front porch of my childhood home eating an ice cream sandwich + hanging out with my cat who was rubbing all over me + being super sweet (love you ty gyrr, you were the best buddy)

21. tea please!!! especially black tea or chai (pumpkin spice chai is so good)

22. "i dont want to be here" is my current playlist on spotify -- dont worry i made it for when i was getting dental work done

23. i have but it was from my dad so it doesnt count (also i hate most flowers tbh)

24. dont have a best friend currently

25. i dont know that i believe in souls but if i did have one + it did have a color it would probably be like the move dark pulse in pokemon s+v (kind of black/purple/red)

26. i would live in iceland with a bunch of shelter/rescue cats! potential future friends would maybe be welcome to at least visit

27. hate it, grew some flowers once or twice as a child, but i really fucking hate gardening

28. some of my sprite edits probably lmao

29. if you are kind/respectful to me, i will show the same courtesy. strangers i tend to just avoid tbh social anxiety is mean

30. my hobbies are generally various forms of creativity, but range from homestuck sprite edits to painting/repainting objects to fanfiction writing to collecting/displaying merch from fandoms i enjoy

✨soft asks✨

What song makes you feel better?

What is your go to comfort show?

Reading or writing? Why?

Whats your favorite feeling?

How do you like to take care of yourself?

What’s your favorite candle scent?

Who do you feel most like yourself around?

Whats a fabric/texture that’s nostalgic for you?

Best childhood moment?

When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? (or just felt really good afterwards)

Do you have a comfort item? Tell us about it!

What calms you down?

Bath or shower to relax?

Whats something upcoming that you’re excited for?

Comfort food?

What’s something you want to create soon?

How do you feel best loved?

What age in life do you think you’ll feel most yourself at?

Have you ever written or received a love letter?

Tell us about a memory you hold close to your heart.

Tea, Coffee, or hot cocoa?

Name of your favorite playlist?

Have you ever received flowers?

Who is your bestfriend?

If your soul was a color, what would it be?

If you could live anywhere with anyone you want, where would it be and who would you bring?

Do you like to garden? Have you ever grown something?

What are you proudest of?

Are you a kind person?

What do your hobbies look like?

#caelfyre talks #ask game #oops sorry op #dont mind me i just like answering questions

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nathank77 · 24 days ago

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12/22/24

2:37 p.m Added to Significantly/Changed I wrote an essay.

I did leg day today. I did squats and this other calisthenic added on to what i normally do. It was a nice workout. I've been stretching recently in the stretching cage. Working on my trap a lot. I had to do my legs bc I def had an effective workout...

My trap is probably 95% healed... I might do it tomorrow. Sometimes I think it's 100%, I'd rather be safe than sorry... I wasn't even doing my back more than once a week for a long time and my traps got insanely big very quickly. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

My biceps hurts and my forearm on only one side. My abs are fine. I actually didn't do any dumbbell exercises on arm and chest day.. I did all machines to maintain proper form. I did lift 40 pounds on just biceps though... I mean maybe that's why. I'll work around it if it hurts tomorrow.... maybe I've been working out so much I've been working around delayed onset muscle soreness... maybe I should do that instead of letting it hurt lol

But yea I'll figure it out tomorrow. My rib cage is starting to show a little and I can feel it. That's a first since basically childhood other than when I was super skinny when I was with cecile.

I can see that dip where my V is going to be when I get nice obliques. My hips are starting to be just skin. Im surprised how effective strength training can be with weight loss. The scale isn't moving... but my stomach is starting to be a thin person's stomach.. I still got a pouch though but it migrated to the center of my belly lol

I got a good hip flexor workout too. I did seated knee tucks.. and the squats. I did this calisthenic where you sit on a box and then stand and just keep doing that. God that killed. I did it until I couldn't stand anymore. I sat and I was stuck lol

I'm excited to do abs tomorrow and work around my bicep that should hopefully be fine by tomorrow. And maybe do my back..

I shaved my face and head today so I'm ready for Christmas. I still don't know what to do about that... do I stay with my mom or go to my dad's? Idk..... the blood has been on my mind still.. but getting less traumatic...sorta... her face got fucked up. Not really fucked up. But it's hard looking at her.

And Idk what to do about Christmas. I wouldn't need more xanax to sleep to stay home on Christmas day but I'll need it both the day before Christmas eve and Christmas eve if I go to my dad's. She will actually be sitting here alone. I do want to see my siblings, dad and Lori on Christmas...

I'm really confused by this and I have mixed feelings. Don't I deserve to see my siblings and my normal family and be around a Christmas tree and have a Christmas dinner and not be around fucking stupid Riley and feel safe and be able to eat??? But then I leave her alone. Idk what to do. She isn't making me feel bad about it at all.... truly... but I feel awful about it anyways.

Idk what to wear to my dad's for Christmas eve. I got all those nice clothes out of that one storage unit skye had me go through a few months ago. I mean I got my orange under armour shirts and a few other nice shirts. I got a bunch of buttons ups and vests and ties. It was a really clean one. I didn't have to go through some guys fucking underwear for that one. I got A LOT of nice clothes from that one. I mean I got my 3 pairs of dickies in different colors. Unfortunately the dress pants didn't fit me... maybe they would now but they are long gone.

I was thinking about wearing a dress shirt and a vest over it with a tie... and just my dickies and high tops bc I'm Nathan fox and yea that's who I am lol or ill just wear a hoodie and a t shirt.. I worry that I'll stain the clothes it's one of my biggest problems... I have decent clothes I won't wear unless I'm not going to eat... bc what if I ruin my nice clothes?? Idk. I sorta want to dress nice. I never see people. I have virtually no reason to ever wear those dress clothes. I always wanted to wear a vest over a button up and look nice and I could...

That Nike hoodie i got from the last storage unit is really nice.... really really nice. Almost new. And I love the color it's green like army green. But I mean i don't want to wear it bc what if I ruin it? It isn't black... I got a blue Adidas ones. It's nice but not amazing. It's thin. I'm going to keep asking my sister bc yea I'm poor enough to decide going through someone's underwear is worth it to find a few treasures...

I like the snow boots. I wish I could buy my own... but I mean i know they were a win... I know they are expensive... but if I could buy my own I wouldn't be worried about posion ivy being on them ...

My poison ivy obsession has gotten so bad i think it's on everything even things Riley never touched...if I don't know where it's been.

I also got a pair of Jordan and a pair of Nike black high tops. Both the boots and Nike high tops are 10.5 i mean tbh I think the Nike high tops are too big... the boots i actually think are a perfect fit funny enough... id need to wear them more to know for sure... but they actually seem to be perfect..

I got jordans too in prob a 9....the Jordan's fit very comfortably but they are kinda not worth keeping bc of condition..... it makes me want a pair of Jordan's though. Considering their condition and how fucking comfortable they are... also they do look nice... all high tops... nice styles..but like hundreds... probably bc they are comfortable... huh?

If I actually quit smoking... I'm going to be disgusting with shoes... I already rewarded myself. You don't even want to know how many shoes i bought myself. Let's just say that shoes are no longer a problem... yes I need like a pair of running shoes... and a pair of boots... maybe a pair of dress shoes.. but high tops... umm i do not need any lol going to 3 cigarettes a day deserved a fucking reward.

Speaking of I got to worry about cigarettes soon. I can probably make it 5 days max with what i have.

I haven't told anyone I'm getting hearing aid and I'm really scared to mention it.. idk how people will react about it. I'd rather tell them, than have them notice and bring it up.

I've been thinking about my dad recently. And especially bc of Christmas with my mom.. both my parents are getting older. My dad is losing it a little with the storage units... his basement which is half finished cause they are adding an extension to it is FILLED with storage unit stuff... Mike was such a cunt about saying i need to ask my dad if I could stay there when I kept saying you dont get it I've been to their house they actually DONT HAVE ANY ROOM for me.

I want to talk to my dad more. I don't want to leave my mom alone... idk what the right decision is.

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