#and basically the state won't help me because other people are willing to keep me from dying in a gutter

[faery-snow]

I'm fucking boggled, man. $10k/month for NOTHING??!!!! Do you know how hard I've worked just to make $2k/month??!!!!!! Now I'm disabled and fucking unable to work and living completely on the charity of friends and family. If I could have a mere $1k/month...my god, I could have a little bit of a life again. Like, holy shit. What rich bastards are living on $10k/month and suffering 😅

actually for fusies, let’s make it a poll

original post for context:

[drdemonprince]

also a good-faith question: what do i tell some of my friends who are terrified of the collapse of the current system for like, survival reasons? like in ways that mutual aid and community support can't really help.

i was trying to explain all this stuff to my friend the other day who is on government support and needs a lot of intensive, expensive medical intervention to live, and she accused me of being willing to sacrifice disabled people for the sake of ideological purity but like, i wasn't saying she doesn't deserve to live, but that she doesn't deserve to live more than palestinians do? and that she also doesn't deserve to specifically live on stolen land. and like, there are palestinians who also could really use those medical treatments that she has the privilege of accessing, why does she deserve them more?

she said she can't afford to not care about the election results because if anything happens to the aca or medicaid, or if anything happens to the medical supply chains, then she's fucked. like, yeah, but same goes for all these people our country is oppressing??

i feel like i just didn't explain this well and i want to give her some other stuff to read.

Great question! I think when people believe that all social care systems will collapse without the government, they are buying into a very colonialist idea that human beings are at their most basic level selfish and irresponsible and won't care for their communities. This is not the case! Thousands of years of human history prove this not to be the case, and so do the behaviors of humans right now during moments of crisis.

Look to the people of Gaza -- they are not leaving their disabled behind. People are sacrificing all that they have to care for their elderly relatives, neighbors, and friends. The only reason that disabled people in Gaza are dying is because the region is being deliberately deprived of resources by Israel. If aid were let in and the Palestinian people were free, they would feed their hungry, treat their sick, supply insulin, teach children, and perform everything that we currently in the US rely upon the government to supply.

Another example of this can be found in how humans respond to natural disasters. Rebecca Solnit's book A Paradise Built in Hell is a beautiful read on this, following numerous real-life disasters across the globe. In every case, people did not riot and pillage or dissolve into violence--- they formed stable encampments, doctors and pharmacists worked their jobs without pay, cooks made food without expecting a wage, everyone pooled their resources and looked after one another.

We also see examples of this when other governments have fallen -- and all governments eventually do! When a nation-state ends, life doesn't end. People keep going to work to make the medicine and put on the leg casts and wash physically disabled people's bodies and make the food. People WANT to feel useful, helpful, included, and looked after, and they will do these things without being forced to by an authoritarian power structure. We see this in the campus encampments and the incredible outpouring of generosity they are experiencing too.

It is quite common for a person to mistakenly believe that the government is all that is keeping our social order working, and that we are all just one moment away from violent chaos and deprivation without it. But that really isn't true. Even without the government, we will still have the *people* who understand how food production and logistics work, the *people* who research and test the drugs, the *people* who watch the children and nurse the elders and fix the roads and butcher chickens.

Without the alienating, exploitative economic structure we currently have, it would actually be EASIER and more efficient for us to take care of one another with these skills, because our time wouldnt be wasted on bullshit jobs that don't contribute to society.

There are lots of great readings about all of this on the Anarchist Library, but I recommend starting with David Graeber's books! Bullshit Jobs, then Debt the first 5000 Years, then Utopia of Rules, then Dawn of Everything. Bullshit Jobs is the easiest read.

[viewsbourg]

Breaking the silence ( Shinybeyzer / Mc )

⚠disclaimer⚠

Do not witch hunt or harass shinybeyzer / shinymc / any other aliases they go under . Many things I will claim later on in the post can only be alleged as a lot of evidence has been lost from the deletion of my old discord account ( 0rbrot#5083 ) , their deletion of their old blog ( Shinymc ) , and their deletion of the current blog ( Shinybeyzer ) . this post will contain passages about manipulation , emotional abuse , and mentions of suicide and self harm . Everything detailed below is my own experience and it may vary between people

TLDR at the bottom

this will be the last time I talk about this unless this somehow manages to outrage me more . but I feel like this whole ' goodbye letter ' is just the pure embodiment of manipulation .

Here is their final letter to me .

it starts off by guilt tripping me , ' you can block me ' as well as the later part where ONCE AGAIN they assume that I hate them , or that I'll forget about them .

guess what ? I'm never forgetting you . I would never forget someone who manipulated me for 4 years and drove me near insanity just from the sheer amount of times I needed to repeat that fact . Then gauging the fact that I " sent her away " as if I hadn't warned them hundreds of times that I would cut them off if they kept going .

Then they pull the sympathy card . " I won't hate you " . No shit , you're right , you have no reason to , I'm not the one who made your life the way it is , I'm not the one who enabled it either . The reason the truth hurt so much is because you're living in god damn denial . the truth hurts , yes , but if you never face it , you'll only keep digging your grave .

once again , assuming I'll be outraged . that I'll ask them to never talk to me again . Basically just saying this to ask me to prove them wrong , but you know what ? you're right this time . Never talk to me ever again .

and finally , they definitely weren't the bad person in this situation , see ! they're wishing me happy pride month ! ! how sweeeeeeeet ! ! ! /s .

Sorry , the first part was rather emotional . But I've got a lot of things I want to provide now that this person has left tumblr , again .

it's rather hard to provide withstanding evidence for emotional manipulation , as it is a gradual thing and difficult to prove with as few screenshots , but I'll still try my best .

I've been friends with Shiny since late 2019 ( 4 years ) , we met through the AF / PR community ( now Stars Align ) On discord , most messages still being there , mostly being a relatively positive friend ship until 2021 ( below ) where they were chased out of the community for being hyper - sensitive to jokes and criticism and not being willing to listen to others ( will bring up later ) .

before long , I was greeted with a long message detailing about how I was their only friend left , and how much they loved me and needed me in those trying times . Unfortunately I have no evidence to provide so feel free to not believe me on this one .

Our relationship turned sour quick as we'd argue regularly . I set my boundaries straight and refused to blindly accept them without criticizing them for their actions at the time . this continued on relatively often but I never paid mind to it . but it only got significantly worst .

Their manipulation tactics :

they will claim that they have suicidal thoughts and need your help

they will claim nobody else accepts them , they will bash themselves for their looks and / or state of being ( unemployed , living with parents )

they will claim that they have no other friends despite being them having many readily available to use as a speaking vessel whenever you intend to block them

A lot of evidence for the claims above have been unfortunately lost from our earlier conversations and may not be evident at first , once again , i apologize for being unable to provide full proof for all of my claims .

All these actions are used to gauge your sympathy , or to pity you into caring . If you do not reciprocate , they will :

They will exaggerate your words . ( ex : We should stop being friends ➞ You hate me and want me to die )

They will assume that you dislike them because of X reason ( their words : being ugly , having no friends , etc .)

Double down and claim to go cry , self harm or kill themselves .

They will ignore your points in favor of the above .

their selfishness : Shiny is an incredibly selfish person , even if you are there in their time of needs , they won't treat you better than a stranger . Despite the superficial amount of support they give you , they don't want to treat you like a person with their own thoughts , or even care about what others need / want .

[ These conversations happened while I delayed a roleplay mission from a discord server I and friends created to roleplay fighting missions . They god mad that I wasn't willing to upload the mission until the members of the group got a hang of the concept of role playing , as some were new to it ]

[ Below : this is just childish ]

3 . they will never change .

They might tell you that they're in a horrible position , and that they're way of living everyday on their phone is bad , but don't let that fool you , they don't want to change .

Despite telling you they're changing or that they've changed , their behavior has remained the same for the 4 years I knew them . You might say " ooh well , changing these fundamental and integral parts about oneself is quite difficult and requires a lot of willpower " . That's true ! That is difficult . But you know what's not ? Working 20h a week

Despite this , you might tell yourself that you can still help them . Put their life back together , fix them , even . But I'm sorry . I have not observed any change in their behavior except for short moments where they act nicer while still making excuses to avoid changing .

Miscellaneous :

Things that belong a bit everywhere .

[ Below : refusal to change ]

[ Below : " Evil Self " ]

[ Below : Sheer breakdown and respectful response . ]

[ Below : " They go easy on me , but you don't " , referring to how I told them to get help . ]

TLDR : Shiny is a selfish , manipulative , abusive , controlling , lazy and childish 23 year old . And from my experience , they only need friends to justify themselves and validate their actions blindly . They do not desire to change despite constantly insulting themselves for the way they are . And finally , they manipulate and emotionally abuse their friends for the benefits without reciprocating the feelings in any meaningful way beyond telling you so .

But actions speak louder than words . And so far , I've only heard silence .

hello ! this is possibly the only edit i will make in regards to this situation , since theyve returned and my post has gotten a lot more attention . i posted this edit in reposts but i'd also like to add it here for simplicity's sake

the edit :

I honestly believe the original post is outdated , and written in a time where i was incredibly upset and hadn't yet had time to process any of it .

Though most of it still stands true , I want to stress that this was my personal perspective of my situation at the time . I never got to detail a lot of other things since at the time I just cobbled whatever I could to try to Express my frustration .

If you can , please find other sources as well to form a more conclusive opinion of the matter .

As well , my post / this thread will only ever detail what's happened between me and her during the years 2019 - 2023 . I do not wish to interact with them further . I also will not be updating it since it's no use digging something from the grave , if they say theyve changed , use your personal judgement for that , not information I have to provide that dates months if not years old .

As well as well , do not harass anyone who associates with shiny either . People are entitled to their own decision so being friendly with shiny is absolutely none of your business .

( added from original ) I'd also like to express that you should be allowed to want to be friends with shiny , but please be mindful of the way they interact with you , do not feel obligated to stay their friend just because of XYZ . A friendship should be mutual , one where both benefit , you should feel equally valued as how much you value shiny . if you feel like you are only getting frustrated , or feel unable to help them no matter what you do , its okay to tell them when you want to end it on the spot .

Thank you !

[trances-and-tentacles]

Hi, it's the rat girl. Wasn't letting me ask from that blog so I had to use Anon. Basically for ADHD I've found that working with the stray thoughts and lack of focus rather than working against it can prove really useful. For me if I have a 'tist/file/scene where I'm suggested to feel blank, empty, or where a lack of thoughts is focused on, it won't work as well for me. Instead, 'tists that encourage those thoughts and lack of focus can be really helpful. IDK if you're working more from files or with an actual 'tist, but when I drop people who have ADHD I tend to use phrases like "you don't need to concern yourself with any thoughts that might drift through that pretty head of yours. Your mind can drift from thought to thought, but here beneath that all I need you to do is listen to the sound of my voice." A lack of focus doesn't actually really cause problems when it comes to getting dropped I've found, since your ears and brain are still processing whatever the tist/file is saying. What does tend to cause problems, at least for me, is *thinking* that my stray thoughts are causing me to not drop enough. It usually goes something like "I'm enjoying this drop, this is nice!" > "Hmm, I'm kinda hungry, I wonder what I'll eat after this." > "Oh god I'm thinking too much and not listening" > "Fuck I'm fucking this up, aren't I? My brain won't shut off" Etc. and then that anxiety keeps me from being able to enjoy the calm droppy feelings that I was experiencing at the start. However if the tist preempts that and states that it's *okay* for my brain to wander and that my subconscious can still listen and obey, I end up having a great scene and session! Realistically because of how my brain works I'm never gonna hit that completely blank slate state that some people talk about, but I can get the same effects if I'm really deep and my brain is slowly going from one thought to the next, especially if the tist or file has already stated that this is normal and natural and shouldn't impact the quality of the drop. It is completely 100% possible for someone with even extreme levels of ADHD to drop and have really good hypnotic sessions, it just requires a little extra specific work on the part of the tist, or files that work well with ADHD. I don't want this to get too long, but I could genuinely talk about this for hours. Basically it comes down to: 1: Believing that you can drop regardless of your lack of focus or other ADHD related symptoms. Believing you *can* drop and being willing are half the battle. 2: Having a tist who will work with you and preempt anxieties you might face. 3: don't fight against your ADHD, work with it. Your brain is more active and hyperactive, so trying to shut down those thoughts is fighting against the tide. Instead try to focus more on working alongside those thoughts, or more effectively, beneath them. 4: Trying and re-trying to figure out how things work with your brain. It took me a while to learn how to drop properly, and what worked for me might not work for you. Hypnotism is deeply intimate and personal to each individual and that's what makes it so fun and special! 5: Have fun with it. Even if you don't get as deep or blank as you'd like, learning to appreciate and lean into the good feelings you *do* get will help you get to that deep state of acceptance, in a roundabout way. Idk if any of this was helpful or sensical, but I really hope you're able to get where you want to be and enjoy trance! It's such a special thing, and everyone deserves to feel safe and blank and happy. You got this!

thank you!!! The stray thought anxiety chain is EXACTLY what i experience and it's one of the main things that makes it hard for me to trance. I really crave the blankness/emptiness feeling but haven't gotten that close to it and i find that i pull myself out really easily.

I will definitely keep these in mind next time I try hypnosis with my partners, we all have ADHD and I've been under for them before once. I'll probably show this to them if that's ok :3

anyways, this is really reassuring and i can't wait to get back into hypno more, as I'm gonna have more free time soon

[mistress-of-vos]

Hi Mistress :> Do you have any Jean-Paul headcanons you’d be willing so share? (Or JeanTim, if the mood strikes you 🫣)

Hi, there!!! ❤️💛

I have many many Jean-Paul, Tim and JeanTim headcanons, so I have decided to list a few of them here, focused on the ones related to how I think their relationship would be (most of the time):

Jean-Paul headcanons:

As I stated in my latest post, I picture Jean-Paul as kind of French. I like to go with the usual canon where he was born in Switzerland (inside the order) and Ludovic took him to Gotham. However (and inspired by Dan Watters), I picture Jean-Paul spending most of his childhood and teenage years in France, educated by priests and nuns. He can get a summer in Spain or Italy when I feel generous.

Still on this, I imagine JP having certain accent and speaking tone that fall as "french man who has spent too much time speaking english". He needs to focus in order to suppress it (and usually can't do so when he's around Tim).

He has been drinking wine since he was 16, and smoking since 18. Is he proud? No, but he's hardly going to quit when you consider he's a supersoldier.

I usually change his computer science degree for a programming or engineering one, but mostly to adapt him to modern times (plus, he gives me engineer vibes I'm sorry)

This isn't a headcanon as much as the way I adapt him, but I basically copy Slade Wilson's supersoldier nature, as Jean-Paul's origin is way too scifi for the Batman mythos.

JP's a geek AND nerd. Loves LOTR, Dungeons and Dragon, comics, videogames... He's also a bit of an anime fan, but won't say so out loud.

Despite everything, Jean-Paul is religious, and attends church quite frequently. That might not help much with his daily, terrible, catholic guilt.

He has a love-hate relationship with his long hair, and truth is that he only keeps it long because Tim said he liked it and well...

And finally going into JeanTim territory: JP has always liked petite black haired people. If you picked all his partners and crushes, 90% of them look like Tim. In JP's defense, he had already developed "a type" way before meeting Tim

JeanTim headcanons:

They roleplay as Batman and Robin/Catwoman quite often. Very often.

Dick loathes their relationship. Tim constantly needs to stop Dick and JP from punching each other and open old wounds.

Damian is the one who finds JeanTim logical. Two warriors dedicated to Gotham are dating? 'Wow, must have been a surprise, father!'

JeanTim both have horrible schedules due to being vigilantes, and if it weren't because of their two cats meowing in hunger, JeanTim wouldn't get up before 10am. Never.

Jean-Paul took (back) a job at WE if only to be able to see Tim during those hours.

Yes, they have slept together at the office.

And the batmobile.

And the common showers at the batcave.

It's easier to ask where they haven't done it yet.

Tim has a choking kink, whereas Jean-Paul, worrying as he is, prefers to stick with kisses and hickeys, constantly afraid he will hurt Tim.

It took them ages to get together. Partly because Jean-Paul died, came back, then Tim not-died and came back, and then Gotham was a mess for like - an eternity. It wasn't until Jean-Paul came back from Europe that they started flirting and eventually dating.

Luke was who suffered the most while JeanTim got together. He was two "failed attempts at getting those two together" away from burning something down. Preferably Jean-Paul.

Lonnie is their second most loyal hater. Jason is a close third, rivaling with Ra's al Ghul, who huffed at the news and argued that "One day, Timothy will stop playing with that golden retriever"

JeanTim shouldn't have kids, but they will, because the narrative hates them.

Jean-Paul asks Tim to marry him barely eight months in their dating. They marry before Dick or Bruce do, which is a constant thing Alfred brings up when speaking about commitment.

In retrospective, however, Jean-Paul and Tim both have been thinking about getting married even before dating, so... Yeah, that.

Have you seen how loyal big dogs will attack anyone who looks ugly at their owner? That's Jean-Paul with Tim. And it's so obvious that it didn't take long for Gotham criminals to pick up that Azrael and Red Robin were definetely together.

JeanTim as team at undercover are the worst. They always end up leaving and going to a room rather than father information. But how could JP even resist to Tim in a bunny costume?

Tim's main nickname for JP is "Angel", and JP's main nickname for Tim is "Chaton" (kitten)

Tim Wayne-Drake headcanons:

Tim has been openly queer almost since becoming Robin. Don't ask him about his first four crushes, though. He won't answer.

While JP has a longer bed-partner list, Tim is the one with a heavier past regarding serious relationship. Jean had just one proper dating, but plenty of one night stands. Tim had few to none one night stands, yet many long, painful relationships.

In the same topic, Tim carries more traumas and insecurities born from complicated relationships. It takes JP a quite to convince Tim that he's not leaving.

Tim also drinks and smokes, but has to do so with moderation due to losing his spleen. He's trying to quit for real, but fails constantly.

Tim, being openly queer and comfortable on his gender, crossdresses in a daily basis, and wears makeup, heels and nails everyday. Yes, that includes when he's using an Armani suit for a WE meeting.

As a rich kid, Tim learned to play the piano. Nowadays he only plays when alone, or when Jean-Paul is with him. It's an intimate, childish sentiment that fills him up when he plays, and he doesn't want to taint it with his current life.

Tim wears his mother perfume sometimes, and even sprays it on his pillow when feeling lonely.

His father's cologne, in the other hand, is sprayed on coats too big for Tim that he wears on winter.

Tim has a sweet tooth, but loves eating spicy foods even if that means burning his tongue (and yes, perhaps certain eco terrorist had something to do with that...)

When burning in fever due to the clench, Tim had a shameful thought that always came back to haunt him: "If I live, if I grow up, I want to marry a man like Jean-Paul"

Hope you had some fun reading, anon! 💚

[a-weird-cryptid]

Me, watching Reddit digging it's own grave:

So, Reddit is kinda killing itself now and many people migrate from Reddit to Tumblr because of that... Especially from r/169 (rest in peace). And I've seen so many people talk about their experience and many older Tumblr users posting guides on how to navigate Tumblr.

I've started posting on Tumblr as well as Reddit at around the same time, a few months ago, even though I have been on both sites for longer than that.

And here's the truth:

1.

Many of the "Tumblr guides" posted might help to get a basically, theoretical understanding of this social media site, but practically it's a whole different story. They're useful, very helpful and needed to understand how likes, reblogs and similar work, but can only get you so far. Everything else usually comes over time and by experience.

Though finding answers to specific questions is as good as impossible, unless you already have a wider reach. There's no such thing as r/help on Tumblr. The best thing you'll find are, again, guides provided by other Tumblr users. Other than that, you're basically on your own. Especially at the beginning.

2.

Tumblr isn't bad, but it's not Reddit. It's not even close to Reddit. They're two very different platforms with very different communities, people, purposes and functions.

If you're a Reddit refugee hoping Tumblr to become the perfect, 1:1 replacement, I'm very sorry to disappoint you. They are many things Tumblr can't replace. Which isn't necessary a bad thing, but it's something that needs to be called out and brought to attention.

Reddit is based of individual communities with their own rules, etc. What you personally have on your profile doesn't play a huge role. Your comments and posts are usually completely independent from each other, because you post them into specific, seperate subreddits. Reddit a forum site.

Tumblr on the other hand is based of individual, unique blogs, most of which don't have any directly stated rules and multiple mods to make sure said rules aren't broken. Your personal blog and profile is very important because none of your posts are entirely independent. Tumblr is a blogging site.

Saying that your blog is equal to a subreddit is an overstatement. They're two entirely different things. Subreddits are usually made of thousands, anonymous people, meanwhile Tumblr is more based of a small, more personal community. Usually surrounding some blogs of others and yours.

You most likely won't get as much hate and harassment as you might have on Reddit. But you also won't get as many deep dive discussions and seemingly endless conversations in the comments either.

3.

Finding and reaching specific communities here is basically a gamble. Sometimes you win, often you loose.

On Reddit, all you have to do in order to find, join and talk to specific communities and like-minded people is clicking on the search bar and typing in something you're interested about. Then click on the subreddit you like, "join" and congrats, you're part of a community now. On Tumblr it isn't that easy.

You need to constantly or at least actively participate in specific communities in order to find any. And in order for them to find you. Only making a few posts about one Fandom, topic, whatever won't cut it. Passively scrolling through what others have posted won't cut it either. If you see something you like reblog it.

Tumblr isn't really made for deep dives into very specific topics you like. It isn't made for serious discussions, interesting conversations or similar. If you came here looking for those things, you most likely won't find them.

However, if you just want to be silly, shit post and have a fun time doing your own thing without much judgement, then this might be the perfect place for you. And if you're very interesting in one or two specific topics (especially fandoms) and are willing to dedicate most of your blog to it, then you're more or less guaranteed to have a fun time. Keep in mind that Tumblr is mostly fandom and not communities in general based.

Personally, I really hope that Reddit can get it's shit together again, because it has so many unique things Tumblr, again, simply can't replace. And it's that uniqueness and those differences that lead me to having a way better time on Reddit than on Tumblr. It sucks that Reddit is digging it's own grave.

[sukimas]

tell me about YOUR favorite touhou character that is Not within the Yukari Zone of Influence

well that's pretty difficult! if aya counts then it's her (failgirl) but i think proposing shikigamihood to someone probably puts them in your zone of influence. mamizou probably counts too thanks to her methods of getting to Gensokyo and the plot of FS.

so let's go with Suwako. world's cutest ornery grandma. i think that the ancient gods in Touhou are really interesting conceptually, but most of their characters are pretty flat (besides Eirin). Suwako's a really interesting one, however, though she's less ancient than some examples. She's got this interesting "conservatism by default" thing going on (see "ornery grandma" earlier) where she refuses to change, but she's basically accepted the world around her changing without her input. Contrast with Kanako, who wholeheartedly embraces change- they make a good duo when one considers the Joumon/Yayoi transition. Suwako has been there, culturally, for so long that she's not even distinctly Japanese in terms of her viewpoints (or her name- doubtless Suwako wasn't the original, since Suwa uses Chinese loaned syllables in its pronunciation and Proto-Japonic was brought by Yayoi settlers in the first place). She might not have changed as a person since Japan wasn't Japan at all! Contrast with the Watatsukis, Kaguya, and Eirin, who have much more culturally Japanese (and Chinese) influence, despite being far older in terms of their self-conception. (Obviously they weren't actually around millions of years ago, except retroactively due to weird Touhou causality. Suwako's been worshiped this whole time, though.) My girl's been through a lot.

Anyway, this stick-in-the-mud-ness contrasts a lot with her general attitude towards other people, where she personally loves trying new things and meeting those who she hasn't met before. She won't hang around them necessarily- she is as fickle as a grain harvest- but she's always willing to at least give things a go. It is interesting that through the Mishaguji she's associated with harvests, though, as from what we know, pre-Yayoi Japan didn't really go for the whole farming thing. That makes the rest of her personality pretty easily understandable- her original nature was really just a curse god! So when she's basically a jackass to everyone, that's just because they're not keeping her appeased. She's probably used to that sort of thing. Japan has some pretty strong negative associations with the earth- being an extremely tectonically active continent, with lots of volcanoes and earthquakes, prior to farming, the earth was more likely to harm you than help you. (You see this culturally in a number of places beyond Touhou- see my other most prevalent obsession for a rather salient example!)

Of course, it's not like she's a tsunami god or anything- the earth can help you, even if you aren't a farmer. It holds you up and stones pave your home. We have tons of examples of Joumon era pottery- that's the earth, too. But the earth's nurturing nature is a lot more frail in such a state- you've got kind of an anxious peace with it, more than anything. Suwako is similarly unpredictable, and the less momlike of the Moriya shrine gods. But it's not like she's incapable of acting as Mother Earth sometimes- she likes to provide Sanae with advice and comfort in her own weird way. She's pretty multifaceted like that.

As for the frogs, I think they're cute. All gods should have at least one weird obsession completely unrelated to their divine jurisdiction, and I love amphibians.

[delucadarling]

And yes, I do need to ask about every Barbie ship :D

2, 12 and 51 for Barbie/Ava

22, 38 and 50 for Barbie/Mason

3, 17 and 28 for Barbie/Felix

14, 31 and 42 for Barbie/Nate

21, 26 and 44 for Barbie/Kira

Holy smokes anon. EXCITING.

Obligatory OTP Asks

Barbie/Ava

2.) What would they do if the other woke in a manic state after a nightmare?

Barbie suffers night terrors pretty often after the Murphy incident. She had them before as well, being prone to stress and anxiety as she is, but it's 10x worse once the events of Book 1 kick off.

All Barbie would want is for Ava to hold her close, stroke her hair, and promise she'll be okay. Eventually, once they sort their shit out, that's exactly what would happen. Before that, Barbie still seeks Ava out, but doesn't want to talk and doesn't want Ava to touch her. She just wants to be in Ava's presence. Ava allows this, and probably makes Barbie a warm drink if Barbie won't make one herself. This usually leads to Barbie falling back asleep in an armchair, or some other spot near wherever Ava's spending time.

When Ava has nightmares, Barbie's very unsure about what to do. She's way out of her depth when it comes to comforting other people, even as much as she wants to do it. She'd ask Ava what she wants, what would help. Ava's prone to denying she wants anything at all, but eventually I like the idea that Barbie reads to her. A silly book that Ava would never pick up on her own, but that Ava can't help getting absorbed into when it's Barbie reading it.

12.) Do they have many heated arguments? How do they smooth things over?

Oh yeah, definitely. Barbie can be very set in her ways, as can Ava, so when they agree on something it's GREAT. If they disagree on something, it leads to arguments over things no one else would even think to argue about. It's really tough at first, but they also love each other, so they don't want these arguments to be fights.

Two rule-loving autistic queens sit down to decide what steps to take when an argument is going too far, agree on the steps, and put them into motion over every single disagreement they have.

(Smoothing things over usually includes make up sex for Barbie, it's hands down the easiest way she's found for letting dumb shit go.)

51.) What’s a non verbal way they say I love you?

I think they're both big on just doing things for one another to make their lives a little better.

Barbie has a stash of 20 shirts, the exact same brand and style that Ava likes, in a few varying colors. When one of Ava's shirts wears out, Barbie just puts a new one in her closet.

Ava stays on top of Barbie's physical needs. Food, drink, comfort. She keeps a bag of trail mix in one of her pockets at all times. She keeps an extra pair of gloves as well for when it's cold, which she pretends aren't there just for Barbie.

They're both big on physical touch with one another as well. Barbie likes to place a kiss to Ava's jaw and Ava will press a hand between Barbie's shoulder blades in small moments between moments.

Barbie/Mason

22.) What reminds each of their partner?

Barbie: [at the grocery store]

Barbie: Everything reminds me of him...

Mason: [walking into town]

Mason: ....I should call her

I'm throwing the rest of this under a cut because it's getting long y-y

38.) Who is more sexually experimental? Who's more vanilla?

Mason is definitely more experimental, but Barbie's not vanilla exactly. In fact, I've had a good time with the thought that their sex life is so good at it's most basic, they've pretty much only ever had missionary sex for the first few months of sleeping together. It's only when they realize Mason's never eaten Barbie out and Barbie's never jerked him off that they go "We need to broaden our horizons."

Beyond that, Barbie's a curious person, definitely willing to try most anything once. She's got a checklist of things she wants to try in her personal organizer, and a list of things Mason wants to try.

50.) Who's more likely to do something out of spite?

100000% Barbie. Spite takes too much effort for Mason. Barbie would, in fact, be hella tempted to sleep with someone else before she and Mason get together, particularly after the Haley's Bakery incident where he said they're just fuck buddies. The idea of her actually going through with it only to have major remorse when she sees how it truly hurts Mason's feelings....Delicious. I love mess. I love her panicking and trying to figure out how to fix it.

Barbie/Felix

3.) Do they wear the other’s clothes? (sweatshirt, bandana, necklace, etc.)

Barbie's taste leans more heavily toward classy, femme, and elegant. So she wouldn't be tempted by most of Felix's wardrobe. She would definitely pilfer a scarf on occasion though. What she would greatly prefer is him giving her something as a gift she could wear. A necklace, a bracelet, or even a pair of socks.

Felix cannot be kept out of Barbie's clothes though, I stand by this. She buys very nice, high quality stuff and sometimes a baby blue blazer is exactly what he needs to pull of his outfit! And he also likes all the headbands she uses to keep her hair back when she's doing her skin routine.

17.) Who's more likely to pull the other in by the waist and kiss them passionately?

They're pretty tied here I think! Felix is more spontaneous about it, while Barbie's a bit more purposeful.

28.) What are there thoughts on pet names? Do they have any?

I think "my dove" is something Barbie would call Felix. Her soft hearted boy. My love, my darling, and sweetheart are others, but she tends to reserve the use of pet names for private moments.

Felix would spout off all kinds of saccharine and silly pet names, to make her blush, to make her laugh, and to make her roll her eyes. She says ABSOLUTELY no to 'doll' (it's OLD and it wasn't funny when it was new!!!).

Barbie/Nate

14.) How do their personalities compliment each other? How do they clash?

Barbie and Nate are pretty well matched! They both value academics, research, having a plan before acting, and having a touch of luxury in their day to day lives. They're also both HORRIBLE HORNY BASTARDS.

The way they clash though is Nate keeps a lot to himself. He really values his privacy, and he has a tendency to think he knows what's best for Barbie, regardless of her own thoughts on the matter.

Barbie's nosy as hell and can't stand not knowing something, it eats at her and eats at her (she ALWAYS chooses to look up her LI in Book 3). She also prides herself on her intelligence and ability to make measured decisions, so she does not take being patronized very well.

31.) Can they sit side by side without touching the other or are they handsy? (lacing fingers, touching knees, etc.)

Absolutely not. They're always touching somehow, whether it be holding hands, crossing ankles under a table, or having a hand on one another's hip/lower back.

42.) What's their favorite type of weather to enjoy together? (getting snowed in together, watching thunderstorms, etc.)

There is an appeal to Barbie in particular to the weather being sooooo terrible that there's just no choice but for her and Nate to get snuggled up somewhere and wait it out u_u

I imagine Nate likes this just as much, but he also likes mild days where he can take her out for a nice walk around town.

Barbie/Kira

@crownleys and I are both very tickled someone wants to hear about our girls! We have, in fact, spent quite a lot of this morning and afternoon talking about them as ex-wives who get back together during the events of Book 1/Book 2

21.) Who would get into a fight to defend the other's honor? Who tends to the other's wounds?

The answer is Kira in both instances! Barbie would fight for Kira's honor, but she's far more likely to bitch someone out or bust someone's windshield versus get into a physical brawl. Kira's not quick to brawl, but when Bobby's involved...well, all bets are off.

As for tending wounds, Barbie's got a fear of blood bad enough that she'll pass out from enough of it. If Kira's got a paper cut or something small like that, Barbie's happy to clean it up and put a bandaid on it for her. Anything that's dripping blood though, she can't look.

26.) What are their vices?

Keep in mind, I'm not Kira's creator, so I am not the definitive authority on all of this, but this is what I take away from all of mine and Crownley's chatter.

Kira's a workaholic, always looking for a new way to prove herself worthy of notice, kindness, love, etc. She's also a sucker for expensive antiquities.

Barbie's an ex-smoker and she still struggles against the urge to smoke at times. She's been known to falter in times of great stress.

44.) Who would dance in the kitchen making dinner? Would the other join in or watch from the doorway?

Kira's more likely to dance, and Barbie is more likely to just watch, unless Kira coaxes her over. Whatever's on the stove would end up burning if they start to slow dance, because they'd be so involved in one another they completely forget about the rest of the world. And dinner.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

i'm a secretive person. i keep a lot of secret. i do have people i trust with my biggest sins tho, who thankfully still accept me as i am. but there's still one thing i never told anyone: my serious struggle with hygiene.

for some reason, admitting i struggle a lot with it to the point of not showering for weeks at a time is just not something i can do. i know that this stems from living with people who are super hygienic and take cleaning seriously, and are quick to get grossed out by even slightly dirty stuff. but also? hygiene, or the lack thereof, is smth that is considered a valid insult by a lot of ppl, even progressive ones. i'm not in the mental state to convey my thoughts much, but what i do know is the shaming of unhygienic and dirty people has gone so bad to the point i'm more willing to admit my biggest wrongdoings that drag me down with guilt than admitting i can not shower for weeks at a time. as someone whose value is basically "i don't care whatever you do as long as it doesn't hurt anyone", it's wild that i consider admitting my actions, which did hurt ppl, as easier than admitting to being unhygienic, which doesnt hurt anyone.

it's also annoying, ngl. like, the fact that i'm too constantly exhausted to the point of not even being able to take care of myself just shows how much my mental state has deteriorated. but because my biggest symptom is the lack of hygiene (which i dont have the guts to admit to people), i cant openly admit that im struggling. whenever i try to open up and seek support, people always say to try doing this and that. but i cannot! if even showering is too hard then how am i supposed to get the energy for things that require more spoons! but ofc i cant say it, not when i have zero guarantee that the other person wont shame me for my lack of hygiene. i do want an outcome where after admitting how much i struggle, the other person turns sympathetic. but seeing at how these ppl treat unhygienic people... yeah nah. never gonna admit it

Hi anon,

Please know you're not alone.

It's okay to be secretive, you don't have to share anything you don't want to, and you deserve the right to choose what is known and what is not. However, you don't deserve to feel silenced about things you'd like to talk about.

It makes sense why hygiene may be a struggle for you - not having enough energy makes it really hard to do such a big task like showering, and afterwards can be even more exhausting.

Please know that not only is there no judgment here, but I understand the fear of scrutiny in this society where everyone is expected to stick to a specific hygienic routine and anyone who doesn't meet this is immediately seen as disgusting, without considering the contributing factors.

I understand that desire for all odds to be in your favor, that anyone who knows about your hygiene habits would be understanding and supportive. It can be really hard to accept that some people simply won't understand and will be disrespectful, but that it's more a reflection of them than you. You are valid no matter what critical people have to say. Internalizing that message is definitely easier said than done, but it is possible.

I think there is some pride to take in the fact that despite you saying that you can't openly admit you're struggling, this is a public space, and so hopefully some of that shame can feel lifted.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[vulpine111]

content warning: sex mention, intimate health details

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-

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Recent events have led me to suspect I may be experiencing "vaginal atrophy" from the testosterone. I'm going to have to talk to the gyno or my primary about it. I should probably address this before my hysterectomy.

Basically, I had fun the other day but penetration was off the table. My buddy tried and I was just too tight for him to enter.

I'm usually not all that into casual sex anymore. I wonder if I acted this way out of grief. I've read it can make people hornier sometimes. It's just weird of me because I don't experience much attraction unless a close emotional bond is established- hence the label "demisexual."

I don't know if it was out of spite for Rasheed. He did offer sex a while back but again I just don't want to (with him) because he's not in a healthy enough state of mind to offer me consent and doesn't seem interested in fixing that.

It is frustrating the intimacy/love is not coming from him since I do have romantic feelings for him, not my friend. I still wish he'd do things like cuddle and eat with me and let me take care of him.

I don't think he cares I'm messing around with other people. I don't know if it will help me get over him either.

One other friend said it is worth the trouble and trauma response to have fun with other people. He thinks it's good because I'll think of Rasheed less and any effort to finally move on (no matter how small) is preferable.

At least my friend with benefits was willing to try the naan I made and have a real conversation with me. I can trust him not to steal from me too.

By the way, I don't get why the sex set off a trauma response which triggered me into a fibromyalgia flare either. It wasn't a bad experience. It was expected because this happens even after I masturbate sometimes, but it's still confusing.

I keep disconnecting from the fact that if I want to receive official help with my day to day life that I require thanks to my disability, I *have* to leave Rasheed behind.

There's a shortage of caregivers. I won't get signed with one unless my good friend continues to want to help. Again, she will NOT work for me if I establish more commitment with Rasheed.

She thinks I don't care about her future kid/kids because I haven't stopped talking to him yet, by the way. He shouldn't matter to me because I don't benefit from him in any way. He still does, for whatever reason.

There's other reasons I don't truly want to be tied to him. Especially not legally. I mean he clearly doesn't have my best interest at heart. It should be a no brainer to hit the block button because then I will be less stagnant with my other goals.

It's almost as if I want a distraction from whatever would bring me real happiness.

It's like I don't think I deserve to be happy or I'm scared to let myself even find peace.

[summeroffice]

Наталія Мосейчук interview with Mykhailo Podolyak

27:13 Mykhailo is struggling to say акціювання. He has to look aside and take a short pause. He's cute. 

33:22 All these, let's say, conflict type political processes that are in Ukraine, that is, well, let's say, a feature of Ukraine. A feature of Ukraine. Is it possible to remove it somehow? No, we will not remove it, because people, look, especially today, in the 21st century, let's not forget it, information space, it provides an opportunity to realise your ego. What is that? I call it the Herostratus complex [he smiles]

[Herostratos was an arsonist that destroyed the second Temple of Artemis in Ephesus, one of the Seven Wonders, to seek fame], right, that is, you want to get a moment of fame and you can't sell competence. What can you sell? To destroy the library of Alexandria. And you can sell this because everyone will be "Wow, look! He destroyed! He burnt!" and so on. But you will get these 5 minutes of, let's say, glory.  

And the same today. The social networks give you the right to realise yourself, that is, you can ? your ego, you can expertly tell everything, but when you are then invited somewhere to do something, it turns out that you're incompetent, you don't have functionality. But it does not mean that when you fail, you will go away, you won't keep saying how the work needs to be done. This is a feature of political moment. Well, not a political one, let's say civilisation moment.  

For 30 years we had the changing places-- 

And more and more aggression in the political process, more and more discreditation, more and more emotionality, this kind of offensive curmudgeon. That is, there is no such maturity yet, such state maturity.  

I understand. You can diagnose. Have you come up with some kind of a pill yet? 

No, we will not come up with it. It is a gradual process. And here the state will either form this core, right, strong-willed in herself, that is basic for her, or will always be infantile. This is a matter of choice of each specific person. But people, look, people are weak, people want to realise their self, really want it, they love themselves very much.  

I don't understand. Our people, they're the strongest in Europe, they don't want to realise their self in Europe? 

They wanted the same in Europe, only it was 100, 200, 300, well, depending on the country where there was-- 

After the French Revolution no one wanted to realise their self? 

They wanted, and they passed through their own dark times, a lot of examples, we remember what happened with Robespierre [was beheaded], Jacobins, Girondins.  

[Reciting] Now Мосейчук is asking for the guillotine to enter the stage. 

No, no. It is not a working tool today. I generally believe that the only working tool is the ability to conduct a discussion. Intellectual discussion. Intellectual domination.  

56:09 We have already touched information warriors a little but I want you to stop because you are, after all, the official speaker of the Office of the President of Ukraine, by the way, do you feel the symptoms of burnout? For 2 and a half years of the war you are constantly in the information agenda, you're constantly in the comments, you get both comments and hate [he nods] for yourself, for what you say, who you talk to [smirks] and what you discuss.  

No, there is no burnout because, well, this is a war. You look at other people who for two and more years have been where there are direct hostilities. There are completely different-- 

It's immoral to talk about it.  

59:34 Mykhailo [he tilts head], please help me to approach the next question because in my practice it's the first time when I ask a person who sits across from me about personal circumstances [Mykhailo: "Mhm."] They apply to your brother [he nods], the information campaign related to this [he nods]. [They show a close-up of his face; it is unreadable]

There are such messages that in Russia died [he closes his eyes for a second and nods] the brother of the presidential adviser, freelance adviser [he smirks] of the Head of the Office of the President of Ukraine [he nods] Mykhailo Podolyak and some resources have published a photo of the grave of Volodymyr Podolyak. 

Well, again, the reaction of the Ukrainian society is that either no one comments or they say that it was already [he nods] and Mykhailo already commented it or there is such hate [quick smirk] or such trolling that Podolyak will get ? and so on and so on and so on that at least someone in the Podolyak family fought in the war and so on.  

Are you sure that he fought [he smiles; it's a toothy smile]? He died of natural causes as far as I understand. But let's-- I really like this Stalin style intention. Well, that's what it looks like.  

A photo in the marshes of Belarus has been recorded, of you and him, during negotiations [she means the Istanbul negotiations]. 

Yes [he nods]. He was not in the marshes of Belarus and neither were we communicating for long before the start of the full-scale invasion. At all.  

But the photo with red arrows? 

He-- He--. I don't know what photo this is. He is 60 years old. I tell you; I like the Stalin's intentions when I have to be responsible for an adult person who ideologically always perceived it differently, that is, extremely negatively. Our relationship was destroyed, I emphasise again, long before the beginning of the war, even the first stage of the war, and it is internally there, the family relationship.  

And when mum and dad died, they were buried in Ukraine, we stopped it altogether, in the year 2007, we stopped altogether even, it was possible through parents to clarify something and so on. But I like it that I have to be responsible for an adult person who had a negative attitude all his life. But why? Why? I am 52 years old and he's 60. Why should I be responsible for him? In what sense? 

You can be an agent of the Kremlin.  

And why can't he be an agent of Bankova? Could have been, why could he not have been? Well, it's nonsense. It's inferiority. Well, you think that I am so weak that someone can make an agent out of me. But the question is why. Look, there's one problem.  

Because there are a lot of you in the Office of the President. Yermak is also an agent of the Kremlin. 

I understand. We're all agents. But there's one nuance. There's one nuance for those haters. I'm a public figure, right. That is, I publicly comment everything. The most radically logical explanation why we can't agree with Russia on anything, why it will be a tragedy for Ukraine, why it will be the disappearance, someone explains it. That is, if I weren't public, then I'd understand, it would be possible there to doubt something. And by the way, not having access to state secrets it is also very cool and so on.  

But I have a public radical position for 2 years since the first day of the war. And to say today that he has to be responsible for someone somewhere when, as you say correctly, at the beginning of the war I said, yes, he's a military man, he's retired, well 60, well, frankly, 60, not to have there, if you're making a career, the rank of lieutenant general for Russia, well, it was strange. Retired and so on.  

But it doesn't bother me for a simple reason. It is not interesting for me for a long time. We haven't talked for a long time; we have had no connections and I extremely negatively treat every Russian. Everyone, regardless whether they were relatives or not. And I emphasise once again. And my negative attitude towards him is not because there was war, but for much more, much more [he smiles], for a long time before the war. Long before.  

Why do you think this all appeared again in the information space now? 

Well, we already talked about this. This is a classic for Ukrainian political space. Hatred. Unmotivated hatred of any person who's public who has his own position, who says something. This is obvious because the political process in Ukraine is built on hate. Because it is possible to rebuild one's self only at the expense of someone, and not on the constructive. Well, that's difficult, constructive-- 

1:05:00 If we had a constructive political process, it would be possible to hold discussions. But at us, it's just destructive. That, is [based] on hate. Again, I always like it, you ascribe me, well, look, I'm an adult person, attitude before the war, I am as negative as possible towards every Russian, as negative as possible, and I don't have any relations with them, it is forbidden for me to go there, and so on and the like.  

Latynina. You spoke to her.  

Yes, I did. I will speak to anyone who gives a platform to convey something. Today I'm not talking to her, though. Why? Because she fundamentally changed the perception of this war and this is not right. She takes not that position that a person who, well, at least understands the nature of the war, understands what Russia is doing, the genocidal practices which Russia uses here, regardless of your citizenship, should have. That is, you're a citizen of Russia but you're also in exile and you understand the type of the war that is being waged. But when today she has the position that well, everything is not that clear, well, this is a strange position.  

But at that moment, I emphasise once again, at the moment when it all started, I needed any sites for scaling the position of Ukraine. Even today I will use those sites which will give us the opportunity to increase the presence of our information and not that we have platforms where there are only points of view of not even Russia but neutral countries, for example.  

So, let's go back. I'll ask a simple question. So, will we live according to Stalin's law, the father must be responsible for the son, the son must be responsible for the father, the brother must be responsible for the brother, even if he publicly dozens of times says, I with extreme hatred think of the ideology of this type? What is necessary to do? Shoot them? Well, let's do that, then. Let's take all those who have relatives in Russia, let's shoot them all. Well, that's right, isn't it? That's how I understand it. 

1:06:50 One of your acquaintances [she's speaking about Arestovych] has been very sympathetic to you [he takes a sip from the mug], he lately said that you will have to turn around the information vehicle in the direction of freezing, as well as negotiations at the end of the war and so on. And he puts the responsibility on authorities for the fact that authorities have given Ukrainians hope of borders in 1991.  

How fair is that remark? Well, the question also interests me in that sense that you are a bit of a political technologist after all [he sighs]. And if such a scenario will seem inevitable, then how you, a professional working with audiences [he nods], if you had a task to solve such a situation, how would you approach work with audiences?  

To any-- Technology, this is middle of the 90s, the beginning of the 2000s, such classical technologies when it was possible to fool large social groups. In the background of total crisis, against the background of war, only constructive discussion of consensus type is possible in general in society. I am not a supporter of the concept that this war has to end up with freezing because this is not the end of the war. 

This is clear and I perceive things completely differently from what was said at the beginning, middle of the war, unfortunately. The quantity was underestimated because when you agree with your partners, by the way, that's what the president spoke about, when you agree on such and such volume of weapons after a month but they come to you in 8 months, during this time operational and tactical changes take place on the front line. Essential ones, because on that side not some kind of small Cinderella state, well, I'm sorry, is fighting but a big resourceful military country. It is not only the issue of partners.  

1:17:49 After shelling of Simferopol military objects of the Russian Federation by the Armed Forces of Ukraine, people were hit by Russian air defence on a civilian beach where they were resting. You called them civilian occupiers. Russian propaganda immediately picked it up and continued to say,

Will the Western allies of Ukraine allow the Ukrainians go to Crimea if such rhetoric about civilian occupiers and pig dogs is heard from Kyiv? This argument is presented in particular by your acquaintance Latynina and similar people [you can hear him smile; he starts to play with a pen on the table]. She continues with a few more questions. When she's finished, Mykhailo focuses on Latynina before answering them: 

Let's be brief about Latynina so that it were understood. This is not my acquaintance [he shakes head], I don't see her as an acquaintance, I see this as functionality of sites. At the time when I cooperated, that is, gave interviews, it was a platform that allowed me to expand the circle of people, a million views for example, this or that interview, where my theses dominated, which I needed, well, from the point of view of reporting what Ukraine is doing. As only Ms Latynina began to take this destructive position, it does not make sense to cooperate because she will collaborate with another audience. Once again, I view people as functionality from the point of view of those tasks to be performed.  

[sesmantelar]

the scale is finally moving past my current set point weight. I am hoping to find myself in the 130s by next week. once again I find myself at the point of no return or mediocrity. I can either hunker down, solidify the final yet most crucial stages of my blowup, or I could continue to choose to just float through life at 50% mode. I'm at work and essentially working every single night this week, but I've found myself in this new state in which I can work back to back. as long as I can see my finances changing, and this surgery solidifying in the next seven weeks. I am okay. as long as I have more than enough sleep I will be able to survive. throw back in schoolwork, studying for the GRE, and continuing to journal/read/to do list tasks at work, and I will have a beautiful balance. passing a class every 1.5 weeks. excellent GRE score. hair growing and maintaining. skin glowing. able to do my monthly maintenance without it killing me financially - mani pedi, waxes, any other professional treatment I end up opting for. after my surgery, I won't be working anywhere near as much, and therefore will have more time. more time for tennis. more time for off ice training, and actual in person clinics. time to prep for my first competitive figure skating season. dates twice a week with new people. smashing harp solos every week and drastically expanding my concert solo repertoire. and it will be nice knowing that when I do return, my finances won't be behind, and my overtime is truly for savings or doing things I want for myself - not just to survive. I will be able to afford a good therapist who specializes in immigrant children or has experience with CPTSD. I am so ready to start living my life and being in the real world again. and I' m willing to dedicate more time to making and keeping friends (but only after this surgery is out of the way. in the same way my name stuff had to happen before I could move across the country) I'm also thinking of going back to goddess lots. these braids are lovely but they have been unraveling like crazy. it could also be because of the trip and not fully undoing to redo my hair. however, I say goddess locs because I liked how my hair and ends were truly covered/kept tucked away and how my hair grows like wildflowers with them. I think it may be the style ive been seeking that has everything. beauty, lightweight, long-lasting, full proper protection for my hair, keeps my hair moisturized, very easy to take down, no pain. I don't yet know when I will be doing this because I have a very booked work schedule the next few weeks. however, it may even end up being right before or even after surgery. it depends. I may do this style one more time before my surgery. we shall see. either way, I feel happier the more I face myself - financially, by reading these self help books, by stepping on the scale daily, by not hiding behind my mask. I must continue to do so until I cannot only face myself, but be able to face the outside world with self respect and confidence. im about to get up and start my morning med pass. praying to leave early, get home asap, be able to skate for two hours and get some solid sleep in before work tonight. I really need to do some pilates and off ice because im looking and feeling sloppy and unfit this week. im going to have to start requiring even just ten minutes per day along with the lower body workout I do - just to ensure a basic maintenance throughout my crazy work schedule and until things just make sense again,

[mellow-worlds]

I want to be a person.

I asked him not to abuse me anymore and he asked me why and I told him I want to get better, and he got really happy and said he was glad :) he respects my wish. I felt like a person.

There was an incident where he was being dominant again and pulled my hair and afterwards he said that that was his attempt at being dominant without being demeaning and if that had been ok. I said yes. It made me feel like garbage and I felt inhuman again. Later that day, after he noticed that I seemed very low again, he said that it might've been a bad idea to try that and that he won't do it again.

I was really low. I remember laying on his chest and getting butterflies in my stomach from thinking about how worthless and empty and nothing I was and one or two tears slipped into his sweater, his beautiful brown knitted sweater. He didn't notice that, I don't think, but I think he did notice that I behaved differently. Like I said, I had felt like a person for a couple of days, not as empty as usually, and then I felt like nothing again for an evening until we talked about it and then we had amazing sex.

He really felt bad afterwards, I could tell. I told him I was thankful for him, he said I don't want to hear that. I asked what he wanted to hear, and he said that he's helping me. I said that's why I'm thankful. That seemed to make him really glad. He explained I could've meant it in a "thank you for trying ig" way.

He also said it's probably a good idea for me to write down my feelings and keep track of my mental state. I told him I do do that sometimes, referring to this blog without actually telling him about it. He said it really might help, especially since I'm better with writing than with speaking. He's right. It's good to keep track so I can see progress. Because there will be progress! There has to be!

I'm currently so happy. I want to feel full and I want to be someone, regardless of my outer circumstances, I want to be a person, I want to be someone. I will be!

Today he forced me to play the piano and I failed miserably. It really was pretty bad, I made a lot of mistakes and it sounded terrible. He said it wasn't the best, maybe, but that it was a good thing that I played and that I tried and me being me I said no and why should I practice playing in front of other people and that kinda crap. I had to be so diminishing of myself, I think. Anyway, he got really mad. He later said he felt like I didn't even want to try, that's why he was annoyed. I'm glad we talked about this incident again because it made me feel bad about myself again, but not as much as the time before. I told him "please don't be mad at me", he said he wasn't. Idk what then, but I said that I was trying to change. He said he didn't feel like I was trying at all to get over my fear back at the piano, and that's why he got mad. It was a good conversation. I asked him to be patient with me.

He just called me. We'll meet tomorrow. He told me that the girl he could've been in a relationship with actually didn't want to cut ties with him complertely and stay friends with him after all. He said that he might meet with her the day after tomorrow, but he wanted to ask me first how that'd make me feel and consider my feelings. I'm really glad he told me! And I told him that. And I also told him that I trust him. And he said I love you. Or rather, he said "ich habe dich lieb" which isn't quiet I love you but basically. I said "ich dich auch" :) my voice changed. I still feel a little weird but just so happy. Really. Idk how to describe it. It made me so happy. Anyway. It makes me so happy. Anyway. He said he'd been tihnking about whether it was ok to meet that girl and he also said that she was a good friend to him, which is fair. I'm happy to hear that he's willing to consider my feelings. I think it would be wrong for me to decline, though. I do trust him! My feelings do matter! And I feel that I trust him! He's with me, not with her! God knows why but I know that he does have his reasons! I know that! I trust him! I need to also trust myself! It would be wrong if I let myself be compromised by him being friends with a girl. The timing could've been better, thinking that I once again felt like garbage and not a person anymore, but it's fine. I'll see it as a challenge. I'll be fine and he'll be fine and she'll be fine, they'll be friends and everyone will be happy, him and I will remain together and I'll become a person.

[terrifickid]

Matsuri

Dunno, it was a very vivid dream to have on a window sill.

I feel real and the nation-state paradigm seems unreal - adversarial, killing everyone including me, corrupt, insane.

I have friends and we talk about it and lots of people respect and support my decision. Just seems like a natural process I'm participating in. Aligned with my values, perceptions and history as part of a legitimate sequence of pursuing my life.

I don't really see any major obstacles or challenges.

That's not ever going to change. If somehow I'm able to keep living it won't be for very long - and I'll not be exiting the spirit world - and I won't be talking to many people again and we're going to work for positive outcomes and well-being - not tourism infrastructure.

I think the first thing that must be realize is our life isn't about health or wealth or happiness. It's about, the glory of God, so to speak. And what we are is part and parcel of our life. Our life is well basically a karmic drama for some reason as part of our work or development or something - it's an extension of 'the plan'. So, you're welcome to start printing ironic tshirts but if nature willed you to live forever you would. It's not that everyone should kill themselves or not or print or not - everyone has their own karma I guess and this is what it looks like.

I don't generally die, but when I do it's wholeheartedly.

Well I believe that I will die because I want to die and I've never wanted that before now. I want to die because I want to leave my body and go to the sun to continue. Corroborating this feeling is a sense of disgust with the planet I have traveled for 40 years and a sense of completion with my career and studies as well as the culmination of adulthood I guess of turning 40.

Moreover, I see no potential way I could continue to live, no ideas as to any alternative life or self or belief, no obligations to shirk, no kids and no personal dreams or aspirations unrealized. Nothing I can imagine would even be bearable to do.

Additionally, 3 years ago I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder - so I am constantly experiencing paranoid delusions, ear ringing, and auditory and visual hallucinations. This has been slowly degenerating since birth.

Additionally, I was diagnosed with attachment disorder at 17. A condition arising likely when I was an infant.

So this all aligns with my primary life's work which was to understand who I was, where I was and what was going on. This multidisciplinary study could be said to have converged both miraculously, mystically, actually and historically at mount kurama in the concept of fudo-myo. This is related and aligned with the cosmogony of the soul. That cosmogony and the space I find myself actually in and perceiving is of one universal family of beings within relationship - their interactions promulgating an unknowable becoming within a vast, grand and good design. This perception also includes perceptions of higher dimensionality, a presence or soul beyond my physical body and contact and communication with various 'dragon filled dragons' - relatable intelligences I guess who identify themselves as God, and the angels who are the same dieties as canonized in world religions. Who are very nice, considerate and helpful may I add! These intelligences made their presence known to me as early as when I was 7 or so by performing a miracle regarding bringing me money. These beings have guided me here into the world's religion and those same beings have been experienced to have guided others to help me as well according to my direct questioning of other people.

Irrespective of the truth of any matter - I may or may not act. It's generally considered that people with schizoaffective disorder require assistance with their lives. I believe I have an obligation to take care of my own health. With no cure available I can only manage the symptoms and will require living assistance.

The future has yet to be won and I have no desire or taste for suicide. If I can not attain living assistance, or dying assistance nor take care of myself then continuing to live, to my thinking, will be an impossibility and I will become a schizophrenic homeless person with a short life span.

What will I do then?

I will have to make a choice to act - how would I choose to not immediately seek to end my life in a pleasant way to continue on with my studies?

How could I make the choice to go to a homeless shelter. Would I sit and meditate? Why would I personally choose to do that with no reason? I would neither do that than become the world's foremost baseball pitcher. For what reason would I build houses for the homeless when I would be unable to cooperate with the group, a security liability - moreover - it would not fit the paradigm of universal destiny and divine design - since everyone is fine and these scenarios work to promulgate the fates.

Will I then follow a series of commands?

There will only be my own choice to end this unserving, toxic and abusive relationship or continue within it.

I have already made the decision as far as treatment and a solution to this conundrum.

I will remain present. This form of meditation is the same as mentioned in Psalm 91:1-4 - I for one welcome whatever alien overlords may well be on their way - as well as this spiraling energy tunnel gateway I find myself within at each moment.

I believe this is the exploit I will use to overcome this so-called "Kobayashi Maru" no-win simulation scenario.

And that by remaining present, synonymous with this gateway process will I be ushered into a higher dimensional reality.

And live!

[truc0nfessionz]

i feel really depressed today

i feel emotional. drained. empty. craving.

it's weird. i have the most perfect life, the life i always dreamed about, but somedays like today i'm really sad.

today, i feel lonely. my girlfriend is in san antonio today (where she lives) and the absence without her seems massive.

yesterday, we got in a disagreement unexpectedly.

and for those 2 reasons, i can't help but wonder if i'm putting too much into this.

i can't help but wonder if maybe i should keep more to myself.

i used to be a person with hobbies. a girl with goals, a vision, things to do.

and suddenly, i'm feeling like a lady in waiting.

when she's here, i'm great. i'm 1000%. i'm on my shit. but when she's gone, it's really hard to bear.

i feel empty. i feel lonely. i feel sad.

all i want is to be with her, and i feel like that might not be a good thing.

am i losing who i am?

what about me? the things i want, crave, and dream of?

i need to get back to being who i am - being a creative, being a nurturer, being a pioneer. i want to feel deeply connected to my being, instead of what's outside of it.

also, i can't help but feel pain about the fact that avia is continuously trying to reach out to me to speak. honestly, there's nothing that she could say that would posses me to hear her out. I completely understand that she was in a bad state of mind when she attacked me, and also, i'm not willing to put myself back into that situation when i don't think she's in a better state of mind now. honestly, i don't care whether she is or not.

she's basically lauren. she won't take my silence as an answer and wants to continuously push on other avenues to get me to engage in some way.

but for avia specifically, i will adamantly decline to participate, whether she's healed or not. the truth is, i did NOTHING but help this person. so i don't have space for them to tell me how 'terrible' it was to have been given a fucking shot in your career that you didn't deserve. i'm good. she can tell that to her therapist.

i am grateful to the universe for always removing the toxic people from around me that don't need to be there. as much as i want to scream obscenities about avia and wish her unwell, i'll let the universe take care of that for me. the truth is, i hope she gets exactly what she deserves. i hope that the energy she's spent pursuing and harassing me is returned to her in the way that the universe determines appropriate. and most of all, like everyone else who's ever harmed me, i hope she learns. i hope she figures out that when you spread hate in this world you will always lose. and i hope she relearns that lesson as many times as necessary for her journey.

i'm pained that even though i do my damndest to only give pure energy - to only give love and light - that i still find myself being taken advantage of and attacked by others. that hurts my soul because i know i don't deserve this. i wasted precious energy on these people, and they tried to drag me down to hell.

but i am thankful for the lessons i've learned on them. i don't owe anyone a second chance, a third chance, or a 33rd chance (in lauren's case). i determine when you've had enough of my energy, and for these two narcissistic, sociopathic drama queens - truly, i've given enough.

the energy these people contribute is evil. it's out of flow with the universe and it's energy i don't have time to absorb or entertain. i wish them the best, and i wish to never see or interact with them in any way again.

i also manifest purpose. i seek the signs of guidance from the universe. i wonder deeply if i'm on the right path, and maintain faith that if i weren't, i would feel it and i would know.

yesterday, ivy and i disagreed about threesomes. honestly, i was instantly defensive because it felt like B all over again. this is an experience i've never in my life had, and as i said out loud yesterday, agreeing to be with ivy means that i know i will never have it.

i told her i'm okay with that. and i'm fairly certain that it's true.

but do i wonder if someday i'll wonder? i really do. i wonder that a lot.

i understand ivy's perspective fully - she only wants me to want her, and i do. but i wonder if someday i may want to explore something new, and she is adamantly against that occurring.

and on the other hand, i'm also irritated by ivy's sudden interest in hanging out with her classmates - half of which (LITERALLY HALF) have a fucking crush on her. now they're doing lunches and the movies and shit. like, oh sorry, i didn't realize that suddenly these random 19 year old girls were so important that you're considering reducing your time with me to hang out with them....

yeah, not sure if i'm cool with that.

and finally, my sister really irked the shit out of me this weekend. she agreed to watch my dog, then proceeded to NOT pick up my dog's food and instead feed her some random shit all weekend. which is fine, except for the fact that I AM THE ONE who would have to deal with the dog having an upset stomach after the fact.

literally, she would never do that to anyone else's dog, and i feel majorly disrespected that she would pull that with mine.

i feel fucking taken advantage of on all of these fronts. i know i don't deserve any of this energy, and i want to fight against the slightest notion that i'll accept any of it.

and so, while i'll always carry a torch of light, love and growth - i won't be fucked with this year. i will adamantly decline to participate in spaces that don't have my best interest at heart. and i can't take anything less than that, because i don't deserve it.

weirdly, i had flashbacks about aziza today. i guess this is around the time where our situationship was pretty intense last year. i haven't envisioned her mind so clearly in my face in such a long time. it almost, for a moment, made me miss her.

and while our ending was bullshit, i truly and sincerely hope she's doing well. i hope she learned something from our encounter. somedays, i still wonder about the lesson i learned from her. but i don't dwell on whether or not i should have done so. that would be counterproductive.

but damn, all these little pains in the past few years sometimes feel like they compound down on me at once. how could so many people look at my face, feel my energy and proceed to give me their worst? what did i do in each encounter to deserve this treatment?

if i'm honest, that shit with aziza and with shawn hurt a lot. and obviously, i still have massive pain over B. massive, massive, massive.

i know that the best revenge you can possibly give is to have a fantastic life without someone, but damn, sometimes i want something more satisfying than that.

sometimes, i want to hurt these people the way they hurt me. but i know in my heart it wouldn't make me feel better. i'm not like them, and that's my gift. their curse is that they'll always be themselves, with this energy to give.

please lord and universe, give peace to my heart. show me the signs of where i should be. and support my success in each endeavor i undertake.

[the-firebird69]

He was getting beat the first two rounds just promise and he started fighting back late and kind of tired him out and you guys keep saying that about the max and you're saying the movie is like what's going on which is not true. It's like hearing a broken record and it's upsetting and it's annoying because it's not helping you it's not helping us and you're willing to die and it won't work the sacrifice is not helping it's so upsetting we're willing to cut you loose. But her son's idea is your saving Grace it's a message and it's a weapon at the same time and it's a ride and a lot of you have done it for a long time and are willing to do it Trump says he's not so he can try if he doesn't work he's going to check out. In the end he lifted up the Mac his entire body and slammed him down and it was a feat of strength but his symbolism is he left their whole body which means most the time people can't do that and he does it with sokovia. Cyclops City but he makes it look like, comet empire. It has the basic weapons and everybody is extremely impressed of his and the morlock and they go for it because they can't stop going for it and right now they're going for nothing except the United States which is not where it's at.

It's a movie about his testament to his will to live and to survive and with his handicap. And with his friends as support and to see through the mire which is very thick and difficult and to fight the evil that has made them infirm in the way they are and Howie he's the producer and director this is father had this great idea to honor his son

Thor Freya although it's still abusive of ours it's because he's very oppressed and misdirected and maligned and yeah it's in Boston

I hope you do well tomorrow and I'm your hero until you forget it. He's asking if I'm from rosecrans. That was for a little bit see better watch out so I know what he means ridiculous. Now we're getting into this and it's going on and these people have lives they have history and the max make it seem like they don't and really Max history isn't that great ours is greatness they're just struggle is famous and they're very dangerous people and dangerous to our kind but their struggle is similar in the storyline of similar but really he cares about his people and his family they're just doing something very gross right now in my husband says it's not really all they're doing they're only partly responsible and a lot of parties are contributing to it happening unwittingly and we know it's the matrix

Hera

It's still the max but Tommy f is disabling them and crippling them and soon they might be out and he is using the matrix and the max are not aware of how bad it is and they should look at it

Thor Freya

I think you have for mentioning me, the good part. But we need people to head up this tournament and to get it together. And Thor and Freya are willing to help the Harry Potter game and they're going to help with d&d and I'm sure we're doing those but he's going to head up Harry Potter and Luana Ariana will head up DMV and he's going to fix the verbiage it's d&d not DMV and starcraft is going to be headed up by Poseidon and got his wife cuz it's really about underwater stuff and they say no it's our genre and he knows what he's doing there's an underwater game and it's Atlantis and uriel's wife are going to do that one Uriel and goddess wife and Poseidon and God's wife are doing Ghost in the Shell and several other videos it's going like that Raphael and goddess wife are going to do one of our favorites it's the Hitman who are in the medieval period and it's an order Salazar and goddess wife are going to handle pirates of the Caribbean and it is a game and also they're going to help us with Peter Pan. And many more will announce tomorrow

Zues

And I'm announcing them you ding dong

Hera

Haha

Zues

Okay okay I'm a lot stress and we got to get some work done the stuff happening here

Hera

We approve all this and it's going forwards it's going to be intense

Olympus