#and bad shit has not stopped happening to me since 2019

[vitiateoriginator]

Yesterday I went for a routine checkup with my obgyn and the first thing she did was say to me 'have I told you you have a large thyroid?"

Anyways now I gotta make an appointment with a primary doctor to see what all that's about

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

it's hard to imagine that if they actually dated she would be posting bts content from 2020 to prove it. like she would have to have something she took herself. she has been stoking these rumors for years and she has yet to show something that proves they have ever even met irl. i hope the rumor that he moved out before enlisting is true because this is getting old.

"she has been stoking these rumors for years and she has yet to show something that proves they have ever even met irl." Exactly, yeah.

There was someone yesterday or the day before who sent an ask arguing in favor of every story she posted the other day and how she couldn't have possibly gotten those from anywhere else when she very much could've. All I'm gonna say is people have literally worn Jimin's fake love outfits because somehow fans got a hold of it, and someone was able to get his mail from BTS own home. Also, when that guy posted the heart jikook photo and some other Jimin photo from Japan in like 2018/2019, everyone immediately and unanimously agreed that he couldn't possibly be their friend anymore because if he was he wouldn't have posted those photos. And I agreed with that because I've also seen how Jimin seems to handle his personal relationships and to keep their exposure to a minimum. We don't even see social media posts with sungwoon or saeon who are also somewhat public figures.

But I really don't care about "debunking" any of it, I think the back and forth between "this is legit proof" and "that isn't legit proof" is stupid and annoying.

I've been told before stuff like why do you get so defensive about it but it's not defensiveness. It's annoyance because I really seriously geniunely don't care if it's real or not, and it's annoying that people want me so bad to care. Like why does it matter??? I don't have that parasocial of a relationship with Jimin, but have those anons stopped to think they might have a parasocial relationship with ME? Because I really can't understand why they want me to care so bad.

Last December, I was on holidays right, and I sleep with my phone next to my bed and the phone vibrated like three or four times in a row and it woke me up (I have really light sleep). I checked it and it was just before 7am and the phone had been vibrating because of tumblr notifications. I opened them and it was I SWEAR like 3 or 4 messages recounting every single instagram story the actress had ever posted or some shit. I blocked that anon immediately. Nothing had even happened!!!! That person just felt like obsessing over this woman's instagram and that was it. So they had to come and give me all their "proof" and accusing me for not believing in it.

I've also realized how much ammo she gets by doing these slight, sneaky """reveals""" because it's actually what gets people talking more than they would if she just posted a photo of Jimin sitting on the toilet. People post her stories, then go check them, then check her comments, a couple of hours later they check to see if she's deleted them, etc etc. All while others on twitter were sharing the stories left and right and comparing it with the bangtan bomb and trying to decipher if it was really Jimin behind that flower emoji.

So, yeah that's really it. Also not directed to you, but to some other people. Don't ask me or expect me to care... I might've cared years ago when I still believed Jimin and Jungkook were a thing but I've been saying more like two years already that they're not fucking each other, so there's literally no reason at all for Jimin dating to ever affect me. And even when I did believe they were fooling around, I never ever said "they're totally in a committed exclusive real relationship and have been married since 2015" because I've never believed that.

I've been a fan of Harry Styles since I was 15 years old and it has never bothered me to see him making out in public with the whole lineup of Victoria Secret's models because I've just never been that person. So even if it wasn't the reaction people expected me to have, you're just gonna have to believe me when I say Jimin dating rumours do not bother me.

Lastly and I really doubt I'll be addressing this topic again unless something really significant happens, there really isn't necessary "proof" for me to take this seriously. I just don't have enough information to believe in this rumour and that's just it. I'm not going to be thinking harder and trying to connect barely-there dots for someone else. If there is something there, or there was at some point in the past, I'm gonna need taennie level of proof.

[causesciencethatswhy]

Was thinking how we get confirmation of some of the things years later. Like in today's ep jm said him, jk (confirmed) and either one of jin and yg (jm was a bit confused who but it could also be that yoonjin both left later like jikook) were the last ones to leave their dorm and remember how we used to think jikook "might" live together cause they used to share car alot during 2019-2021. Now idk exactly when they left their dorms but i do know the news of RM and jm buying house in nine one hit the media around june 1st 2021. Also that one BTS video where the boys were interviewing e/o and jk asked jm what was the most enjoyable thing these days and jm replied "The most enjoyable thing these days is waking up and seeing jungkook" idr but wasn't it around 2019-2020 when he said that? And jikook and yoonjin used to share car, jikook the most of times so i think yup jikook used to live in the shared apartment be it dorm or whatever that is. So we were basically right.

Intersting thing is even after RM and jm buying house we still saw jikook sharing cars now idk why that. Yes when minimoni brought their houses they shared car but it was like only few times but jikook still has shared cars few times here nd there so i wonder why is that maybe they love sharing cars or their houses are near or etc etc.

Maybe as the besties they're when it comes to car sharing they just simply put these two together knowing they have shared it before too. Remember how they shared car 4 days of concerts in LV? There's another thing who's confirmation we got way later but i don't remember that now but yeah.

Also the way tkkrs be like "but jungkook don't cook for jm he doesn't even have jm's number" both got denied in this ep....i know it's only them who believed their shit theories but they're sooo many in number and they spread it everywhere so it's like thousands of them i think like 99% of them belive that shit. "Jungkook doens't have jm's number why is it a problem it happens people don't have e/o's numbers why are you blaming tkkrs for it" i remember mfkr dionysustkk tweeting this. The way i wanna bitch slap that identity crisis human. Like bitch not only he has jm's number (sounds so fking silly to say even) he literally knows jm's House password and walks like he knows the place and even cook for the two of them so you can sit in a corner and cry me some river

Thank you for this mini timeline compilation anon!

I found it interesting that jimin knew for sure that jk was still with him at the dorms but couldn't confirm whether yoonjin were there too. Seems like a detail you'd recall I feel, unless you were spending a majority of your time with one person. And if we are to go by your timeline it does seem that even after moving out jikook seemed to have made a deliberate choice to take the same car on multiple occasions. I do think there was a period in mid 2021 and early 2023 where jkk were maybe not seeing each that frequently based on some of their conversations, but this docu has really made me re evaluate a lot of these assumptions.

Since 2020, we have gotten almost 1/3 the amount of behind the scenes ot7 content and that definitely had an impact on many peoples assumptions on the members relationships. It's why certain "groups" felt more confident in proclaiming that jikook were never close or only fanservice.

Tkkrs and their cult leaders will never stop in their attempts at undermining jikooks relationship with false narratives. It's something I didn't understand the need of when I first entered shipping spaces because if you believe tkk are real and in a healthy relationship, then why would assuming jikook are close friends, in any way would come in the way of that? Why did jimin need to be the villain in their theories so bad? It's only now that I kinda get that as a tkkr, they can't possibility perceive that tkk are in a 'genuine and healthy' relationship if they have to take jikook at face value. Cause the way those two interact and prioritise one another, does really throw tkkrs off gaurd. Which is why so much of their belief and foundation hinges on all of jkks interactions being fake and forced and jk secretly hating jm. Because the alternative cannot be that they're 'close friends" for them, once they start 'really seeing' jikook for the way they are around one another, it disturbs their perfect ideal.

Not saying that there's no possibility that jikook are in fact just close friends after all, but I think once you do see that underlying spark that makes one go "?" ,it's kind of hard to unsee it.

[dreamersbcll]

“Ink Blots”

4/5

for @krikeymate

—————————————————————————

June 21st, 2019

Dear Sam,

The summer solstice. The longest day of sunlight in the whole year.

I remember that you used to force me to stay awake, and savor every drop of sunlight. Some years we spent it at the beach, some in the backyard, some on the roof of the twins house. It didn’t matter where we spent it, as long as we were together.

Amber picked up on our plans. She now makes me spend the day with her, holding her hand at the county fair and riding the tilt-a-whirl until I get ill. I hate spinning. But it makes her happy.

How do you spend your summer solstice? Do you stay outside all day? Or do you hide?

I wish I could hide. The sun doesn’t shine quite as bright without you.

Your sunshine, Tara.

—

August 1st, 2019

Dear Sam,

It’s been a muggy, humid summer. I can’t go outside without my hair sticking to my face and my clothes damp. It’s disgusting.

The bad news is, our air conditioner is broken. Has been since early July. Mom never paid the bill, so the city shut it off. I’ve been working non stop at the local Dairy Queen, but surprise surprise. Minimum wage doesn’t pay shit. It’s not like I can do anything with my checks anyways. Most of it goes to house bills.

Luckily Amber lets me sleep over. I’ve been practically living there. It’s been nice, being in a house where mothers act like mothers, and fathers stay. Plus the dinners and A/C. It’s been nice.

I hope wherever you are, you have air conditioning. And popsicles. I know you like Helado de coco. Papi used to pick those up from the taquería on the way home from work. You used to spill it everywhere and get me all sticky when you hugged me.

I’d kill for a coconut-y, sticky hug right about now.

Love, Tara.

—

October 3rd, 2019

Dear Sam,

Junior year is kicking my ass. I can’t remember the last time school challenged me this much.

You were always so good at school. So bright. So good at math and science. Unlike you though, I am a whizz at English. Seriously! I can write like no other.

I’m now the Chief Editor of the newspaper. Ms. Smith put a lot of faith in me to be able to handle a staff. I'm not very good at it. Leading people isn’t very natural for me. It is for you, though.

Chad is the captain of the football team, Mindy the captain of the debate club. Amber was made captain of the forensics team. We’re all growing up, Sam.

The kids you used to spend so much time doting on, feeding, changing; are all grown. Not really. I won’t be eighteen for a bit. But still.

I hope you know we think of you everyday. I do at least. Chad likes to talk about the sleepovers you held for us, and Mindy wishes you were here to help with calculus. Amber gets an odd look when we talk about you, but I don’t care enough to ask.

Sending you love, Tara.

—-

December 14th, 2019

Dear Sam,

I am seventeen. Does anything special happen at seventeen?

Mindy stuffed so many balloons in my locker, that when I opened it, a bunch exploded. That wasn’t a very fun principal office experience.

It wasn’t my first time there, though. I try to keep my nose clean, but I still sniff after danger. I mean, you left me Sam. I know what you did in high school. The teachers know.

I want some danger, too. I want to know what it was like for you to disappear and leave me. I want to know what forced you to leave me.

So I drink. I smoke. I have an ID. I drove drunk once.

It doesn’t matter. I don’t really care. As long as I graduate and leave, that’s all that matters.

Happy Birthday to me. I’ll pretend you said it to me.

Tara.

—

January 1st, 2020

Dear Ssmmy,

i can’t see straight and i miss you so much do you know that

but it’s new year and i’m seventeen and i have all these beliefs that you broke why does it matter

hope it’s nice where you are

i love you tara

—

March 24th, 2020

Dear Sam,

It’s been a minute. I’m sorry. Time has moved so fast, but also, not at all.

Chad won state of the basketball team. A buzzer-beater shot. Whatever that means. He picked me up and spun me around after he won. There’s a photo in the newspaper of it. I don’t like him like that, but he's my brother. I love him like that.

Mindy took the debate team to nationals. They got second place. I watched her on the shitty livestream. She was incredible Sam. You would’ve been so proud. She’s always been a genius argumentalist. Ever since she was young.

Amber won first in her forensics division. Something about stab victims and their criminal family. It creeped me out how much eye contact she made with me. I didn’t love that.

I just write for the newspaper and sling ice cream.

What do you do? Are you happy? Does life still pass you by? Or do you live?

Love, Tara.

—

April 19th, 2020

Dear Sam,

Well, AP season is upon us. I signed up for five.

I’ll ace maybe three. Environmental science, Spanish, and English literature. The other two are math. I’m not good at math, but perhaps it’ll work.

I stumbled upon a photo of us when we were young. Twas the night you taught me how to bake cookies. I had so much flour in my hair. How did that happen? Did I bathe in it? Doesn’t matter. I just love seeing your big smile, always directed at me.

Sometimes if I close my eyes I can still feel your smile on my face. Like the sunlight from the solstice.

Better go back to studying. One of us has to go to college and become master of the universe. I know you aren’t in college. It was never your speed.

Once I make a shit ton of money, I’ll come find you.

I promise.

Love, Tara.

—

May 17th, 2020

Dear Sam,

I passed ⅘ of my tests. Failed the physics one. No surprise there. I skipped that class at least three times a week.

I’m almost done with Junior year. And then I’ll be a senior. One step closer to leaving.

We didn’t have heating or a/c through the past few seasons. I can’t make enough money to keep us afloat. Mom works, but she’s out of the country more often than not. And gas bills are not forgiving, let me tell you that.

I’m moving into Amber’s house for the summer. I can’t survive another couple of months dying from sweating.

Your birthday/leaving anniversary is soon. You’re gonna be twenty-two. That should be fun, yeah?

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Love, Tara.

[teaveetamer]

Edelstans really lack self awareness huh? "We never said she had no agency, that's why we stalk and harass these haters/gross fujos cause how dare they say she did those bad things, she was forced to do so and it wasn't too bad, and it's the victim's fault for existing, and Dimitri's just as bad, etc etc uwu" And I especially like how you noted that they were going to look at your blog and throw a fit only to do exactly what you said. Very charming on their end.

Of course they did exactly what I said they would. They're in too deep to stop now. They need to keep justifying to themselves why it's "okay" for them to attack us, otherwise people there might start catching on to the fact that what they've been doing is abhorrent.

Anyway, a bit anecdotal but it's definitely not just "one or two" people doing this to Edelgard either. Let's just set aside for the moment the "better than canon" fanfic they always rec which spends the bulk of it's text treating Edelgard like a sad little girl with no agency. Let's talk about the most ridiculous example I've encountered of Edelgard stans completely refusing to acknowledge her agency.

I have had some really intense arguments with Edelgard stans insisting that she never set Bernadetta on fire. When I could prove with actual, literal, video evidence that she does set Bernie on fire, I was told that it was a programming mistake/glitch/bug because Edelgard would never.

Like holy shit. When you're to the point of accusing the programmers of making a mistake because you, the end consumer who did not work on this game in any capacity, can't reconcile your reading of the character with things that canonically happened... I don't know what you want me to say.

I also didn't include this screenshot because it wasn't really relevant to the point I was trying to make, but a few replies down turns into a full blown r/SelfAwareWolves moment. Someone (paraphrased) says "people only want us to acknowledge her agency because they want us to think she's a villain"

You're so close. The reason why so many of us don't like Edelgard has nothing to do with misogyny or queerphobia or whatever. It's because we looked at the decisions she made, acknowledged that she made those decisions with full agency, and we think those decsions were wrong. I think starting a war of conquest is wrong. I think trampling the sovereignty of two independent states is wrong. I think continuing to work with people who perform human experimentation is wrong. I think benefitting from the genocide of a race is wrong. I have seen no convincing argument from your side on why I should change my mind.

Fuck me man, all three of those arguments have their own agency stripping counterarguments that I've been hearing since 2019. Literally everything from "defensive invasion, she knew Claude and Dimitri were going to invade her so she had to attack them first!" to "Fodlan was never REALLY three independent countries so she didn't REALLY decide to trample on their sovereignty!" to "she had to because she had a gun held to her head and the Agarthans forced her!!!" to the classic "um, she was like 9 when that happened" (She was not 9).

Do y'all not see how ALL of that completely strips her of the agency you keep insisting she's so feminist for exhibiting, and why some of us might think that's super lame?

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 148 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: mowing the lawn.

ELIAS: (mumbling) "Here we go" (normal) Good evening, Detective." [BASIRA IMMEDIATELY ASSAULTS HIM.] ELIAS: "Ow!" That whispered "Here we go"...(btw in neither the fan transcript nor the official one) Was it just "ah yes, Basira is back" or was it "ok, Basira is fuming and I know what she wants to do, let's get this over with...". He says it later, Basira is becoming predictable. Also very satisfying sound, 10/10, only MAG 200 is even better.

ELIAS: "– I’ve – I’ve always thought that a man’s eating habits were his own private business –" [BASIRA STEPS CLOSER] BASIRA: "Mm-hm." ELIAS: (strained like he is being choked) "– but… I can see how maybe I should have mentioned it." [ELIAS CATCHES HIS BREATH] Holy shit, I either can't remember Basira choking him or I never caught it before. Fan transcript doesn’t mention any sounds in this (I added them here), official transcript only describes Elias answer as "conciliatory".

ELIAS: "Look, look – I’ve been doing this a long time now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the Web, it’s that it plays its own game. All you can really do is hope it doesn’t get in the way of whatever your plan is. Because the Spider usually wins." We know that Elias finally saw his chance when Jon came to him already marked by the Web. And yeah, the Spider does win.

BASIRA: "You always call me “Detective.” Is that supposed to mean something?" ELIAS: "Honestly, I just like the way it sounds." In 159 episodes this is probably the only time he's clear about something and honest xD

JON: "I can’t believe you’ve been seeing him all this time." BASIRA: "Oh, yeah. That’s the terrible secret sabotaging the trust between us." Yeah, compared to others things, this does seem quite as big of a deal. Still, I think it's something that would have been worth mentioning. Since of a lot of relevant things happened because of this, that seemed like a dead end to them. That's suspicion. I saw an old post from 2019 some time ago, where someone said something like "The way the Dark ritual lead nowhere Jon's gonna kick off the Watcher's Crown by accident". Oops...

BASIRA: "Yeah. John, We’ve been over this. the key is to not force people to feed you their trauma. You know – just don’t do it?" Oh yeah, Nicotine is bad for you health? Just stop smoking. Easy. You're depressed? Just be more positive. Wow! /sarcasm

JON: "It’s not that simple." BASIRA: "No. It is. Or I put you down." Holy... Threatening to kill him... Wow. After she has watched Daisy for years and said nothing. She’s kind of extra aggressive on this day, first Elias, now this... Frustration?

BASIRA: "Daisy’s been managing." JON: "Daisy is… yeah. She’s managing." Daisy is fucking starving. Even if she hasn’t crossed into full Avatarhood (I think that happens after MAG 158...), Jon also was already dependent on statements in S3...

JON: "I have been meaning to ask: the tape, the one of the uh… my victim. You said Martin gave it to you." BASIRA: "Yeah." JON: "How was he? How did he look – was he – uh –" BASIRA: [interrupting; sounding slightly less harsh] "I don’t know. I didn’t see him. He just left it on my desk with a note." JON: "Oh. Right." BASIRA: "Yeah." JON: "Can I ask what it said?" BASIRA: "Um, yeah. It said, uh. “Talk to him”" JON: [harsh breathing/sobbing sounds] T_________T  It’s been a while since we had a heartwrecking scene like this...

I'll be honest, I have no memory of this statement...

There is so much more rambling about their general situation and less things actually happening, I'm already losing track again...

"So he found the manual. More of a pamphlet, really. Can’t have been more than ten pages of A5 in the whole thing, yellowed and water-damaged. Well-used, though. Someone had even put their name in the front, like they were afraid people were gonna steal a manky instruction book." Oh hold on, is that a Leitner?

Sounds like this Sampson really got into I'm On Observation Duty XD

"He kept saying, 'what do we do with his eyes?'" So the cameras?

"'He won’t stop,' he said. 'We can’t get rid of his face.'" On the CRT screen, Sampson wouldn't stop looking at them I guess.

Aw man, that post statement scene. It seems like it did something at least cause he says he's (feeling) better. But it’s not as nutritious as a new statement. And he’s needing more and more of the old statements. That’s also a effect of (some?) addicting substances. Getting accustomed to smaller doses and needing more to get the same effect as before. This is the only thing, which makes it seem like an addiction and not a need to survive. Though there are some indications that Avatars do need to cause fear to survive. “Feed your god, or it will feed on you” (MAG 89),  “Hopefully, he’ll fade away or burn out as they tend to when robbed of their purpose” (MAG 130),  “John Amherst was encased in concrete, and shrivelled away to nothing after just a few years” (MAG 184). Accepting less and less of old statements is probably just an effect of the Eye to bring him to get new experiences. And since there are some indications that also written statements given to the Archivist can cause those dreams (Dekker MAG 113, Salesa MAG 115) it will become more and more difficult to survive without harming others.

@a-mag-a-day

[glitchbirds]

started watching the his dark materials tv adaptation earlier this week- something that i had meant to do back in 2019 when it began and never quite got around to. started s3 yesterday so i should get the remaining 7 episodes under my belt within the next few days genuinely it is fascinating to watch an adaptation of a series that i read only once, when i was ten years old, but which left such a profound impression on me that i have consistently cycled back to it for years and years (esp when its such a complex, sprawling fantasy world-or several worlds, really- that its adapting)

as ive mentioned Several times over the years- maybe not on this particular account though-, i was gifted an omnibus copy of all three books in one by my older brother, either for christmas or my birthday i cant remember, sometime before the 2007 movie came out (meaning i had to have been 10 at the absolute oldest when i started reading them, though maybe 11 by the time i finished?). i also very clearly remember The Controversy surrounding them among christians, mainly because of a few comments by classmates but more importantly because my (fourth grade, iirc?) teacher pulled me out of class one day to tell me the book i was reading was sinful and atheist and against god and etc (which made me cry very hard </3 even though she told me i could still read it. this was back when my dad still took me to (catholic) church on a semi-regular basis to appease my grandmother as well as sunday school (run by my older cousins) and at least a year or so before i started to develop a modicum of critical thought towards deep south church teachings. i was petrified of the idea of going to hell and scared to do anything whatsoever to jeopardize my chances) (this did not stop me from reading the book however, because i enjoyed it too much. but i also have a clear memory of reading the book every chance i got w/o paying much attention to what was happening around me and one day realizing that i was reading it while at church service and mentally freaking out that i was doing something sacrilegious and trying to force myself to stop reading. i think i spent about 10 minutes bored out of my mind before i, internally apologetic, went back to reading) luckily my parents seemed unaware or unphased by the fearmongering- i assume my mother never noticed, or this was before she started to become insane from fox news poisoning; my dad i think brought it up briefly because of a flyer he saw but wasnt overly worried about it- because i saw the movie in theaters (i liked it ok; have never seen it since, i want to now though) and also acquired the ds game (tbh i enjoyed it despite it being tie-in garbage and me being v bad at video games as a kid; i never managed to beat it though) and later the wii game (bad </3 never got far into it)

Anywayyyy. again i have never since reread any of the books or read any of the other novellas and the like philip pullman has written set in the same world, though im itching to do that now; and ofc while ive skimmed through wiki articles and the like to refresh my memory on things, my memory of most of the plot points in the books are heavily based on My Perspective As A Ten Year Old Child. i remember the first book the best, a decent amount of subtle knife, and can only recall a few specifics of amber spyglass, and its only now while revisiting the world by watching the tv show that im getting a proper, more well-rounded view of the symbolism and messaging and Authorial Intent(tm) behind the series, because of course a lot of this shit flew right over my stupid little child brain as a kid. once i got to the third book i started to understand, vaguely, why my teacher didnt want me reading this book and why there was a backlash against the movie, but a lot of things that are obvious to me now (and would have been obvious if i read the series just a few years later, really) just did not compute for a 10 y/o. which ofc does not mean that i think its a Bad thing i read them that young but all of ^ that turns watching this series into a mix of "oh i remember that" "oh i know whats coming up" "oh my god i forgot that this is from HDM, this has influenced so many creative projects over the years w/o me even realizing it" "oh they skipped over it but i know in the books there was a scene here that i loved and that has stuck with me forever" "i dont remember this from the books but it extrapolates perfectly from what i remember about these characters" "oh my god was the symbolism here really that obvious and i still didnt pick up on it" etc etc etc ANYWAYYYY. my actual review of the tv series so far: -season 1 in particular is sorely lacking in how it portrays daemons and it made me increasingly sad. daemons were without a doubt my favorite thing from these books and one of my favorite things in a work of fantasy Ever to the point where over the years i have Repeatedly decided to sit down and spend a ridiculous amount of time painstakingly plotting out what daemon i think (x) character from (x) piece of media i enjoy, would have. many of which are still committed to memory. i fucking love daemons as a concept and i wish this shit was public domain so any piece of fiction i write could utilize them forever. i get budget issues exist or w/e but whyyyy would you adapt a series where every character in a world would have a cgi animal with them at all times if you couldnt actually show those cgi animals in more than a handful of scenes per episode and only for (some) major characters and only if they had a speaking role in that scene and also occasionally just have them teleport instead of showing them walking from one room to the next and also crowd shots are fucking barren. its like watching a live action pkmn tv show where pokemon are onscreen for a combined 5-10 minutes out of 60 minute episodes. s2 is a bit better about it but it also spends significantly more time in other worlds where daemons arent visible so ig its easier to budget in more daemons in scenes that take place in lyras world. no idea about s3 yet though ofc the mulefa are coming so We'll See how they handle the cg there

-i do think the cg animal animation looks good though. like its not "i believe there is an actual snow leopard in the room" photorealism but not only is that something i do not particularly care about, i think daemons looking a little unreal is actually perfect. they are physical manifestation of human souls and are in-universe immediately distinguishable from identical animals of the same species... it works

-s2 in general is a significant improvement on s1 not just in the daemons but in the overall pacing and character exploration imo; which is surprising considering its the season cut short from covid lockdown; and also a bit sad since, again, most of what i remember is from the first book and thus many of my fondest memories of the books were things that were either skimmed over in the first season or cut out entirely </3 ALAS.

-iorek and iofurs fight didnt go as hard as it shouldve </3 they didnt even show iorek ripping iofur's jaw off... he was killed in the blurry bg behind lyra. how are you gonna let the 2007 pg-13 movie kick more ass at talking armored polar bears fighting to the death

-am i crazy or is the alethiometer just not used much in the tv series compared to the book... maybe the movie+games clouded my memory, or maybe its the fact that in the show there's rarely any elaboration as to what the symbols could mean or which symbols lyra is using for her questions/what she's interpreting. almost every scene of it being used blurs together and i wouldnt be shocked if some show-only fans think its a stupid plot device with no rhyme or reason behind the symbols, when imo i think you can at least roughly intuit many of the meanings, though obviously not to the extent that a reader could interpret full accurate sentences

-some really really strong casting for like 99% of the roles in this show, i love most of the changes theyve made from the books wrt to casting decisions, my only significant gripe is of course. why did you have to do lee scorseby like that. i loved lee a lot. i remembered him so fondly. why'd you have to give lin manuel miranda that one. just absolutely devastating to me personally (though the choice to have andrew scott as will's father was v funny to me because lin manuel miranda and moriarty from bbc sherlock hanging out together for a huge chunk of s2 has to have appealed massively to a very particular subset of tumblrina)

-again i read these books when i was 10 so the concept of "characters can be bad people but also really well written and enjoyable to spectate" hadnt really settled in my mind yet so i really have no idea if this fully applies to the book version of her but oh my godddd i love mrs coulter in this series. yes she kidnaps children and rips their souls apart from them yes she drugs her own daughter and holds her captive yes she murders people indiscriminately without remorse etc. and she rules <3

-similarly the changes theyve made to the golden monkey are Fascinating...

-i loved lyra and pan with my whole heart when i was her age and it is really :,) to now be fully an adult and see her again. waughh. i love how almost everyone she meets loves her too (i will not stand for ppl watering it down to found family fanfiction tropes. but She Is So Loved.)

-i think its cool that boreal went from being a fairly minor character in the books to one of the main antagonists for a hot minute. he was fun :)

-i dont remember having strong feelings about mary malone as a kid but i really like her here. i havent gotten to this point in the show yet but im aware they tweaked her backstory to make her a lesbian as well, which is just delightful to me

-will's relationship w/ his mother and particularly the way the book describes her mental illness from will's perspective was so, So important to me as a kid and the thing i remembered best from subtle knife, and i wish the show had dwelled on it a liiiittle more? in particular, the bit where will thinks about when he first realized something was up and his mother wasnt just playing a "game" with him and was actually terrified of a nonexistent threat, when he was seven and they were shopping for groceries, and how he realized then and there that he needed to take care of her and protect her- that stuck w/ me very strongly as a kid and i wish the show had found a way for will to talk about it with lyra, there were a couple points where i thought he was going to bring it up. maybe this season??

fun fact i started writing this post at like 10 last night. i gotta put a stop this rn

[gimmethatagustd]

Just read Sunday Smut Bookclub! I loved it so much!! As someone who is still a virgin at almost 30 and is trying to parse out whether that’s due to being asexual or demisexual or something like that or if it’s the body insecurity and anxiety, I literally cried. Like if I could trust someone to treat me like Namjoon treats Yoongi to help me figure that all out ????? Or if I felt confident enough to just ask for what I want and need straight out like Yoongi did in this???

The line “Yoongi loves fics like those. They feel how Namjoon’s hands feel when he holds the small of Yoongi’s back and cradles the side of his face when he pulls him into a kiss” took me all the way out!!! Really the whole paragraph before about the way reading fic can make you feel comforted in general I related to and then that transfer of that comfort to this sexual situation!!!! Yo, like… 🥹🥹🥹🥹

But this fic definitely made me laugh too! Literally laughed out loud reading “Can I eat you out” “Oh, uh, ya.”

And the meta-ness was really fun! I didn’t read the authors note going in so I was surprised at BTS showing up and vocal line being members. I also write fic (though I haven’t published anything yet, I might sometime, but right now it’s just getting my thoughts and ideas out and most of my stories don’t have endings lol), and also (like Yoongj described) kind if stop at that moment before smut happens or gloss over it. Like I have one really great Namjoon reader insert scene that I love but that’s the only one I’ve been able to do with any sort of satisfaction and idk how I got in the mindspace to do it lol. So I related so hard in so many ways!!!

Bc I didn’t read the author’s note I dove into it thinking it’d be a nice lunch break smut reading sesh but was pleasantly surprised with how else it impacted me! Thanks so much for writing and sharing this!!!!

hi friend, sorry it has taken me a while to respond to your ask. i read it and immediately gushed to my partner about it (i talked to them about that fic cuz it holds a lot of my personal feelings about physical intimacy in it), and i wanted to kind of sit with it until i felt like i could give you a proper response and not just the unhinged shit i normally respond to feedback with

i'm so happy that it left an impact on you! normally i write fics just cuz i love writing silly little stories (i'm sure you understand since you said you write too!) BUT with this fic i genuinely thought as i was writing, "i really hope people appreciate this" - not because i wanted praise or anything, but an appreciation for being able to either 1) relate to the content or 2) open their eyes to a new way of looking at smut in fanfic and also just simply a sexual orientation that we honestly ignore in the fanfic community imo. i rarely see asexual representation, and so much of fanfic is about smut

like no shade !! most of my fics include smut, and pretty graphic smut, but it's exhausting to write as someone on the ace spectrum, and i think a lot of readers don't realize that. it genuinely takes a lot of effort, and not just cuz we want to write it well, but just... the whole thing is not what we're used to (and also as a virgin i'm sure it's an even more complicated thing to work through). add in some good ole gender dysphoria and YIKES what an experience

like, i haven't had sex with a cis man since 2019 kshdfkjs and yet here i am, dick-in-pussy'ing all over tumblr.com

ANYWAY thank you for sharing this. i hope you're able to work through how you feel with your sexuality. it's def a journey. and also it's important to know that 1) sexuality is a spectrum and 2) if you never have sex or have sex but are never truly into it like most people are, that's ok too! i wrote namjoon as this soft, accepting guy cuz i didn't want yoongi to suddenly like sex just cuz he hooked up with a hot guy. he walked away still unwilling to have sex in the future, and namjoon is cool with that. no one should ever make you feel bad for not wanting to have sex

but also, i would do anything kim taehyung asked me to do, so, sometimes there can be exceptions jdhfkjs 🤪

if you ever post your fic, i'd love to read it! and if you ever need help writing smut, i'm happy to talk to you about it 💜

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

for pride month, i figured i'd do a non-exhaustive list of people/looks that have given me gender envy and inspired my sense of style as a transmasculine fellow.

this post is about to be long and also likely 'cringe' (which is dead, so i do not let it dictate my decisions, but just in case a non-mutual reads this and wants to send me hate-mail for my 'bad' taste: I KNOW.) since it includes several people i worshiped as a tweenager. if you don't wanna see me talking about five billion emo men, then you probably don't wanna read this :^)

mulan (1998) was one of my first experiences with gender-nonconformity and experimentation. her dissatisfaction with living as a woman and her shame with feeling that way deeply resonated with me, and her transition into ping lit up light bulbs in my tiny mind, as well as the scene in which she is outed against her will due to an injury.

-

from a very young age, i've always kinda wanted to embody the swagger of freddie mercury. i would say that as a 6 or 7-ish year old i experienced my first bout of true gender envy over him. i wished i could look and sound like a man because of him. i ended up shoving down these feelings for many years due to internalized shit and outside influences. yet he still remains forever in my heart as a major influence both as an artist, an outfit composer, and a person.

-

eddie van halen is cool as shit. idk man. i dig his style. these patch work pants did irreparable damage to my psyche.

-

ryan ross was a big idol of mine as a tween and still continues to inspire me to this day. i wished i could do my makeup like him and have his fop-y floppy 60s mop cut, which was probably the beginning of my obsession with having hair that looks Like That.

*bren.don. ur.ie gets a dishonorable mention here bc i don't wanna talk about him but when i was 13 i also wanted his p.o. era mop sooo bad like soo bad i was planning on getting my hair cut like that for real but instead life happened and i haven't had my hair cut since like 2019 and now i've committed to it being a mile long.

-

pete wentz is at the forefront of writers that i would say have influenced my works. his influence is just about inseparable from anything i've done since 2018 at least. he just, like, gets me, you know? including, of course, his fashion sense, which lingers still through my daily wardrobe.

on the right, i added a pic of him recently that made me lose my mind.

-

i'm grouping william beckett and gabe saporta together because both are scene fellows who had lesser but still notable affects on me. the former's hair and the latter's sense of style have stayed with me all these years for a reason, and that reason is because i wish i could look like them.

-

renfield is just like me for real so of course i wish i could steal dwight frye's gender. the suspenders plus the vacant, hazy look in his eyes did things to me.

-

the man, the myth, the legend, my most special of interests, mr sir peter wilton cushing obe. if i love him, and i feel unloved, then i must act like him and sound like him and look like him to feel truly loved, right? because i want someone to love me to the extent i love him? because i hate myself so much? it's psychosexual to me in a way but also 100% from my heart. i need to look like him ^

he cracked my egg. which i will be getting more into in the next entry. but! basically i realized that maybe it isn't normal to want to look exactly like a man, deeper voice and flatter chest and all. and then i was like what is stopping me from being trans actually besides other people's disapproval, which i had at that point stopped letting get in my way. so trans ellie canon and real from this point forward.

-

sherlock holmes is an entirely separate entry on this list than peter cushing because sherlock is a fictional character that has been portrayed in many different mediums and by many different actors, many of whom i at least kinda want to look like.

but most of all, i want to be like him, the idea of sherlock holmes. a protector who saves the meek and weak and who persecutes the oppressors. he is good, he is just, and he is loved by nearly all. also he is a major fucking nutjob, like me. he inspires me so much. this yearning helped me realize who i wanted to be, who i am. it makes my heart glow with hope and pride knowing that someone who so obviously has so much 'wrong' (wrong like me) with them can not just be a hero, but also one of the most definitive heroes in history.

-

adam ant's gnc swag.... idk man he ignited my historical obsession with highwaymen.

-

final thoughts:

i am so happy to be a trans fag ! my life is so much better since i realized that i am a boy ! 🥰🥰🥰 i am trying to experiment more with my appearance and i am loving it.

[dearlyjun]

Omg I almost hit unfollow instead of talk I WAS LIKE NOOOO!!

Ooooo thats so nice!! Being a Multistan is great until you become broke! My first kpop group was Exo I remember Watching Monster and looking at Baekyun and being like who is this man and why is he so pretty!! Ngl I hid the fact that I was into kpop when I was in High school because it is so much more accepted now than back in like 2016! I remember one time in my AP Econ class I was sitting down and my school played a minute of a song before the bell rang and they played TT by twice and this guy behind me says "just like tt" AND I TURNED SO FAST!! I was like this isnt happening! we were both so shocked to find out the other was into kpop.

I am ENFJ from my last test result I took one last year!

I SAW A TT today and it was people making fun of californians because were all freezing our asses off rn! I really need to buy warmer clothing. I say this but I slept in shorts and a t shirt with the fan on last night....I KNOWW. I dont think I would enjoy driving in the snow that much. I feel like I would be stressed 24/7.

Japan is soooo nicee ive always wanted to visit!!

I saw your post about online schooling and let me tell you Ive always hated it. It feels so weird and you cant meet anyone and its lonely!!

Oh my god IM SORRY I TALK A LOT

ang please I love talking whether that’s to other people or just to myself so please I don’t mind!! 😭 (also hope if it’s okay if I call you a million variations of your name / nicknames because I do that lol)

ah I have actually known about seventeen since their debut in 2015 but I didn’t become a carat until 2022. weird shit. and I liked bts a teensy bit in 2019 when mots: persona came out but again….stopped listening. then the kpop stan came full force in april 2022. maybe it’s a good thing I wasn’t a kpop stan back in the day bc the pain of not seeing concerts sucks real bad. I actually don’t have any kpop stan besties irl, I’ve just converted my sister 🤠 she likes most of the same groups as me, just not the girl groups. (well she’s a casual newjeans listener)

I don’t even know what the weather is like in cali lol but I guess your cold is different from my cold. it’s like 35° here and I just went to the gym in a hoodie and a winter vest. we’re actually about to get some snow I think….grrrr😠 and yeh driving in it sucks. I’ve driven in snow storms so bad that you have to like sit up and drive in silence the whole way because you have to lock in.

since im going into the automotive industry, my mom has big hopes for me to work in Japan someday. even if its just temporary like a year or so. Im hoping after I graduate college i can travel there for fun and “plant the seeds.” BUT!! I have to learn some of the language first. im too sporadic with it and really need to buckle down.

yeah…..im a lonely girly lately. it’s really getting to me. I’m in my second to last semester of school and doing everything all online is just so very sad. I yearn for friendships.

[jessiquinn]

The undying series (Rex x villain reader)

2019-04-18

hello guys! I came with another mess that I fixed... kinda, hehe. hope you like it, if you did please tell me!

Generator rex was such a great series... the memories.

<Rex get's attacked from nowhere, a new team of villains has arrived... or is it?>

another X villain here,

this is part one of this short series,

Warnings:

1-bad language, 2-suicidal behavior, 3-bad story, 4-bad editing.

hope you enjoy it!

-------------

“what do you think Van shit is planning now,” Rex said while putting his stress on the ball in his hand, “sheesh is 5 in the morning dude chill. Stop worrying and sleep you've been up all night! and we have important training today” bobo covered his ears in annoyance.

“White knight speech today was strange... like he knew something is going to happen, plus it's been so long since he signed us for training, since when do we get training we’re pros at this point!” Rex finally threw the ball away, offended by his thought.

“*sigh in annoyance* for now get some energy, tomorrow we’ll ask him” Bobo finally said after falling asleep.

“I will be teaching you a new fighting technique, it'll help you in the future. the new e.v.o are stronger than before” agent six warned with a hint of worry, suspicious, since when does agent six show any kind of emotions especially worry? that is what circled Rex’s head at the moment.

Bobo and Rex shared a glance at each other, confused.

something is going on.

“last time White Knight said we didn't need this type of training,” Rex said with suspicion, “well now you need it so shut the hell up and listen”

after the training

“go to the main room Dr. Holiday wants you two” Agent Six said causally while cleaning his katana like nothing just happened, meanwhile, they were out of breath, they forgot how fast he was.

in Dr. Holiday’s office,

Dr. Holiday puts a new device on their arms, almost like a bracelet of some kind...

“what's happening Dr, first special training then this weird bracelet?” Rex is starting to feel alarmingly worried.

“All we know is this is a new order from White just watch out ok, you CAN’T and I repeat, you can’t leave without those bracelets, understood?”

“let's not make a big deal out of this you know how much paranoid white is, let's go eat some tacos, your treat, of course,” Bobo smirked at Rex, feeling like a winner.

Dr. Holiday didn’t utter a word, busy with her research.

in the city

“here you are, guys, what took you so long,” a familiar voice said, Noah. “training...there's something strange happening but we don't know” feeling exhausted even though the day just began.

-suddenly the bracelet begins to ring-

a feeling of danger fills the air, what’s happening?

-a motorcycle sound-

“bikers? What the hell is going on” Bobo said, taking his guns out, ready to shoo-hits Rex... he fell on the ground hard

“ugh what was that for!” he gets up as fast as his fall, “look!” Bobo warned a -a lot of motorcycles coming in Noah's way

The world around them turns into neon colors, Bobo grabs Noah and gets him out of the bikers way. “wtf is going on”

Rex activates his powers... nothing happens, a strange masked villain hits him again but this time with a gun.

Rex has been shot! once again on the floor, pain filling his body. tracing the wound... searching for the bullet...what...it’s a needle. his body absorbing every bit of the strange fluid.

drops to the ground

Bobo already called help, but Rex wasn't having it, adrenaline pumping through his body. the bracelet begins to ring, there was an option

"block"

pressing it without thought, instantly feeling bumps of power through his body again, got on his motorcycle, not giving one single fuck about traffic. all that mattered was catching up to them.

The villain kept on taking turns, but Rex was still on their back.

Bobo starts communicating through the earpiece “Rex! we need backup! they’re too many! they keep on multiplying!” “Hold on guys! I'm close to catching them” Rex felt a rush he hasn’t felt for a long time, driving at a speed he’s not allowed to is always exciting.

Finally! a dead-end, The villain stops, guess they didn’t know the street as they thought, a smirk spreads through Rex’s face. they got off their drive and start running, without a notice the motorcycle drifted toward them, making a big explosion.

immediately shielding himself “Don't think you won-” driving through the explosion.

-The villain is already in the building- using his mutation to fly at them, unluckily for him a smoke bomb hits his head.

“I.. should be more careful” feeling pain but adrenaline has never been stronger. arriving at the rooftops to see the villain running away, “if a chase is what you want then your wish will come true”

running to the edge of the building, his smirk doesn’t last as the villain took a jump. “shot” using his wings again, catching up to them.

“Stop!” Rex says before he goes to pin them, The villain takes a risk and jumps, there’s a big gap, shocked Rex too.

The villain falls to the other building, hurting their leg.

Taking the chance, “You can't escape now!” finally tackles them, The villain gets a small device, and points it at Rex, once again feeling weaker than before.

blocking his powers but that doesn’t stop him! he’s angry at this point. kicking the device away, finally using his new fighting technique.

as excepted the villain fights back, he tries to trap you but you keep on getting away.

finally had enough of this bullshit, grabbed his shirt, all that was written on his face is anger and shock, instantly throwing him away.

for once his luck started to work, and Bobo came! an Upside Rex smiles seeing them arrive “Finally!”

looking at the three of them, I’m surrounded “You are outnumbered, surrender” Agent Six points his katana at the villain with full confidence.

Your Pov:

standing on the edge, reaching slowly for your backup gun.

Boss’s number one rule! don't let them get yo- w-WHERE THE FUCK IS MY GUN! -it's on the other side of the building- damn this boy, taking a step back. looking at the ground, there were a lot of their forces.

I'm out of breath, weapons, and the ground is full of their forces.

huh, but I believe I’ve done my mission.

“surrender now” Agent Six once again warned.

I have one solution left... it will hurt but I have to, taking the extra needle that I had, a stab to the neck, and within seconds you were down.

They excepted everything but that.

the poison ran through you, “Get them to the base! fast!”

in Dc. holiday office

“Dc! Quick we need help immediately,” she didn't question anything and started right away.

“They stabbed themselves with the same needle I’ve been injected with or at least the same poison” he was still in shock, she took off the mask of the villain and it was... just a regular person.

a new villain?

Dc. Holiday does everything she can to do to save this life, “that's the strongest cure we have if that can’t help them I don't know what, I'm going to check them for e.v.o, help me!”

“holy shit she doesn't have any nanites” Nanite-free, Six, Bobo, and Noah arrive

“that was one hell of a fight! it's been a while since, what a stretch!” Bobo said while stretching.

“what just happened” White Knight finally arrives,

“You tell us, we know you knew something was up, so explain yourself!” Rex exploded, “They had the strange followers we had never seen before, they vanished out of thin air!” Bobo explained in confusion.

“if I knew something was up, you’d think I wouldn’t have stopped it sooner? Get this villain up!” furiously leaving the room.

After a while...

Your pov

opening my eyes, the first thing I feel is a strong hit of adrenaline mixed with fear, compantion

questions pop into my head “Why am I here? fuck!” “I should be dead!” looking around me, I’m tied to a chair... shit

from past experiences, I can tell what’s going to happen very soon... all I wish for is the package to arrive at the wanted destination, or else... someone is going to die.

getting involved in this mess only made my life harder, put my family in danger, and blackmailed through my family’s life. what else can I do but serve the hopeless hope of them still being alive?

all of this is for them...

an earsplitting sound blasts through the speakers, it already began.

“listen carefully, I will ask you ONCE. where is the needle? wrong answers will be faced with a punishment” the White knight said with rage yet calm demeanor almost chilling to the bones of how expressive his voice does.

You remained silent

one of the most important trainings of this ‘company’ or whatever, is the art of silence... Game is on

“1... 2.... 3″ waves of electricity pump through your body, shocking you into oblivion... yet, not bad, I can handle worse.

Silence

“Don’t celebrate too fast, this isn’t the worst mode we have. I can keep playing this game as LONG as you want” White Knight had a hint of play in him like he was enjoying this torture.

Silence

Without warning shock after shock, the pain kept on increasing every time.

Everyone was watching

“Sir, any more and we might have a body to explain,” Dr. Holiday said

“TALK, I WON’T STOP” White knight officially lost it, why was this so important to him? usually, he doesn't care much and makes us do it.

The pain was unbearable, I think my time is due, I win.

Rex rushes to White Knight and stops him in his tracks, “What the hell are you doing! We still need the information!” he was pissed.

fainting from the pain, let’s hope this time I won’t wake up.

Rex pov

“dr holiday, check if they’re alive! And you! You almost killed them, maybe even did! we don’t know! WE ARE HEROES, not villains! above that, we need them for information! if they’re gone! we lost our only hope and clue” Rex was furious.

“HOPE? What hope! even if they die, we’ll find them sooner or later” The White knight defended himself, Rex wasn’t having it “Yes, hope. how can we know where is their team without them in the first place! are you out of your mind?!”

dc. holiday and agent six got you into the medical center, you were in a critical state, proceeding to hock you into lots of machines from an oxygen mask to IV fluids, etc.

after 10 minutes you started waking up

oh no, I’m still alive, usually, anyone would die from this. meanwhile, Rex was keeping watch on you, “they’re awake”

You have been not tied up this time, dc. Holiday came “I need to check on some things, we’ll try again..”

I’ve done my mission successfully, although what’s left for me is to go home or die I guess... the hope of getting home was less than I could even imagine, guards are everywhere and my weapons are gone.

The boy left after he talked about bringing some people, taking the chance and using the doctor's tools against her, and injecting her with her own medicine.

interesting, she has fight in her. “Y..ou. will not win..” proceeding to fall on the floor.

taking some sharp objects from her lab with me just in case, stealth mode is on, scanning the area near me, searching for any exit.

The problem is if I get caught, my boss’s orders were clear... escape or die

This place seems like a maze, hope is getting lesser by the second, continuing to search for an exit, unfortunately, guards caught on to you, I’m not leaving without a fight!

They had guns and I had a couple of empty needles, they were laughing and mocking me, bad choice. making a perfect headshot with just the needles, mostly eye shoots... you get the gist.

They’re not going to die but they’ll leave me for now, now all the building knows you escaped. running, searching for a place to hide.

“STOP OR I’LL SHOOT” Turning around to see a blonde guy standing next to a monkey...

I knew this gun would be handy, shooting him with a speed he didn’t notice, unfortunately, the trick didn’t work on the monkey, he easily dodged it.

he was far more experienced, he’s a fucking monkey alright! deciding on finding the shelter now! thankfully the restroom was next to me.

closing the door shut on me, there was a vent but it was too small! “listen up... I’m not a jerk alright, I can’t go in the women’s bathroom” the monkey said?????.

wtf, I need to find an escape! And for sure the monkey wasn’t the last of them... the boy is.

no choice, there are no more options, if any info gets out, then my family is out.

dropping everything I have, cutting my sleeve fabric, and stuffing my mouth with it. I have to... taking on of the needles and without any more thoughts, cutting the left nerve... if that doesn’t kill me I don’t what...

all that is left is to wait for Sweet Sweet Death, getting into one of the stalls that’s harder to get into.

by the time you couldn't see anything...

You lost a lot of blood

but

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this is it for part 1, hope you liked it.

if you did please show me love <3

please reblog <3

[officialtayley]

(long post allert)

Sorry but some people on twt piss me off. Yes, some people who went through trauma still feel affection to their abuser even after cutting them off, but it doesn't mean it is an universal experience, but some people really wanted that to be true for Hayley even despite her doing/stating multiple things basically denying it. She knew she deserved better while still being with him (she said so on that Bialik podcast). So these people who were thinking ffv was about chad not only couldn't connect obvious dots (ffv taking place before the final part of pfa, lyrical hints about someone who clearly wasn't chad), but also it was just them not accepting she could be in a different relationship than she was her whole life. I'm not saying people needed to know it was Taylor, but to deny so many obvious things that Hayley deeply loved another person and didn’t want their relationship to end… Some people just really wanted her to hurt, and be so deep in her trauma to never stop thinking about other person than chad. I know it's harsh but I really believe there were people who just wanted Hayley to hurt like the same way they were after leaving abusive relationships. I even remember back in like 2018/2019 people on reddit were saying that it's her time to be finally single and heal from shit, that she for sure isn't in a relationship nor she even wants to be. Well you can heal from shit while being in a love with someone else, also not everyone who was through shit actually misses and still loves her abuser. Hayley realised what he did to her, she never again felt like she needed him in her life, but some people just really want her to pin after chad her whole life. I mean that relationship left burden on her view of love, no doubt about that, but stop making everything in her life about this man. It wasn't a sudden divorce, but all her feelings to him were slowly dying/changing. She said in that letter to Aaron in 2016 (from No Friend) that she didn't have any trust in any relationship. I would say they were heading to divorce even before their marriage.

i agree with everything you said. you said it perfectly. no one has even said either that she can't have missed him or still loved him, hell she may have gone through that when divorcing, we don't know, but like you stated, she was VERY aware the relationship was bad for her, she said that since day 1 she knew it was doomed and was waiting for it to happen, and i think it was in the oped with paper magazine she said her love for him changed from romantic to brotherly. it really does feel like people wanted her to basically never work through her trauma and always be in it, because most of these comments also come from stans, people like us, people who kept up with chad after they split, people who still do, so they would've known a song like HYD would NOT have been about him as he wasn't a smoker. people conveniently love to forget that trying to be in a healthy relationship after an unhealthy/abusive one is very difficult and it's very common for self sabotage to happen, especially if she hadn't worked through some things like she thought she was going to. and that is very much what ffv is about, rather than it being about still holding onto that relationship, it's about how what she went through was then affecting the relationship she truly wanted to be in.

[josiebelladonna]

okay, it’s the mother of all long stories and there’s way too much i can’t talk about because of legalities, but because my mom and stepdad were basically given this house that we currently live in, the whole financial situation around this place has been extremely tricky since we moved here in 2015. it belonged to my stepdad’s mom, who passed away in 2014, and he and his sister inherited her estate; she passed in 2019, and he went in 2021, so it went to their children. i never met her kids, they have never even been here to this house; and his son (my stepbrother) who quarantined with us with his girlfriend and their daughter, took off back in january, so it’s been just my mom and me here. my stepbrother promised to take care of this (i won’t say how much is owed just from confidentiality, but it’s a lot, though) during quarantine because he’s technically the owner of the house… and look what happened. 👀

it sounds scary, but i promise you it isn’t: the mortgage was paid for a long time ago and there’s no rent, either. but my mom and i have two choices: find a way to get her name on the deed and do the whole “redemption” process there (because of the pandemic interspersed with the delinquent period, we figure we could qualify for assistance), or… we pack up and bounce this summer. we’re both vouching for the former because while we’ve wanted to care for this house and then move coincidentally since 2018, and it’s seriously getting harder to live here given where it is and the fact we’re probably facing an el niño this year (read: another wet winter), it’s pretty sudden. plus, the economy is getting bad again: it’s not like we can readily find a new place, be it in nevada or oregon, on such short notice. in other words, it’s more daunting than anything.

but. if it does get to that point, like it’s not possible to put her name on the deed… her job is internet based, i.e., she can take it anywhere and it’s assignment-based, in that she works for four weeks and then has time off until the next assignment. i have my tablet with me, i always have my tablet with me, especially after my laptop went belly-up back in march: i haven’t been updating my fics lately because i’ve been doing yard work and housework, stuff that’s physically demanding and i just haven’t had the brain power to sit down and write the last few days (make art, definitely, but not write, though). this being said, when my stepdad died, i had this inexplicable feeling that i was going to have to start writing more on mobile. given the mobile devices, i can promise you that i won’t stop: it’ll just be… you know, a little slow.

i’m saying this here on tumblr, but i’m not expecting anyone here to give a shit. this site has a reputation for handing out likes when someone asks a (usually important) question, and it’s only gotten worse with the tiktok generation, and i have a reputation on here, too. people on here don’t like me, like there’s a reason why i have my ask box turned off and i’ve had it turned off for years. i shelved the idea of starting a patreon or a tip jar a long time ago because i got literally no response, nobody cared—despite the audience i’ve acquired on instagram, i still don’t believe anyone cares or would care, who the hell wants to watch me draw? i’m lucky to get more than 3 notes on a drawing i made, what makes me think anyone would shell out money to see it happen? this site has gotten so fucking toxic the last few months alone that i literally have no faith whatsoever. plus, i’ve gone to great pains to shake off the whole green druidess situation but i still feel the animosity and the repercussions towards me: there’s way too many people on here with a sense of entitlement like her, like they think i should just give away everything that i have, and way too many people on here with a victim mentality as big as hers. who am i talk about my problems like this when the economy is tanking and other people don’t even have a roof over their heads? and, like her, people on here don’t listen. there’s a reason why tumblr has the reputation that it has, like sometimes i wonder what i’m still doing here because there’s no respect, for art, for anything genuine.

i’m telling you all this for my own good. there’s a 50/50 chance that my mom and i could be doing the nomadic thing in a month and i don’t know where else to say this.

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Wow. So people are still accusing ME of harassing people huh? Firstly I wanna say I didn’t “harass” anyone. If I ever “start” anything it’s only cause they start it first. Because they said something horrible to me that made me feel suicidal again.

For the record, I’m not the monster here. What you said and did to me fucked me up real good. I’m not saying you’re a monster or you’re the bad guy but you did stuff to hurt me that’s why I “hurt” you. I stand up for myself. I did not “harass” you but you said things that made me as I said before suicidal and I hated that you got away with it. Also calling people names and swearing angrily and guilt tripping isn’t setting boundaries.

I’ve been clean since the very beginning of 2020. I’m not pulling the victim card or some shit here but you SHOULD know that I used to cut all the time in my teen years and in 2020 I finally stopped because I finally had people be nice to me for once. 2020 was the only year where I didn’t get harassed by anyone and the Onward fandom was so nice to me back then and supported ALL of me and who I was both inside and out. I was ok in 2021 until December after seeing a post saying I should be disgusted in myself and that I don’t really love Barley and that I should get fucked because I have a kink. A belly fetish. I was able to hold off cutting by I was questioning myself for the longest time and felt suicidal again and I vented too much online which lead to this. For the record I only vent online because I am at my worst and am on the verge of actually committing suicide and I have no one else to turn too. Suicide line sucks. I have no therapy because A, they’re all booked out and B, I am terrified to try as I had an Autistic-phobic psychiatrist who literally yelled at me because I wasn’t “a functional adult”. He had a go at me cause I didn’t get my license at 18 or a job and I was crying and sobbing because I was getting death threats back then. So yeah that made me feel worse and I’m scarred for life and am scared to seek help. Also I rarely vent to my family because I have daddy issues you can say. I won’t really get into it but it made me scared to ever tell my family anything because of the things he used to say to me if I ever felt anything.

After June I myself got harassed as well mind you. I got suicidal again and started getting bad nightmares and by the end of the year after bottling it all up I lost it and snapped. I did it again but more violently then ever before, deeper and longer and absolutely all over my arms. It was hard to hide them in summer. My Mom found me out because I wore long sleeves on hot days and I ended up explaining everything to her and how I have a kink. She said there was nothing wrong with it and that my dad even liked that sort of thing as well. It honestly made me feel better. I felt like I wanted to vomit as I explained because everyone online always treated me like I was wrong so I was scared to tell my family if they will agree and think I’m gross. But to my surprise they didn’t. My mental health has gone backwards and I’m my 2019 self again. The had to increase medication cause I was getting violent in public and trying to fight people who cut in line and do rude shit like that cause I’m so fucking done with humanity and humans, for all the shit they done to me. I made a few attempts to take my life but my family has been keeping a close eye on me. My mother took away my pocket knife, I have no idea where it is but it’s for the best that it’s gone. I still get strong urges to do those things. Also that aside my trichtillomania is out of control and my fucking eyelids are bald but that’s not exactly life threatening but its more that I feel embarrassed and ugly afterwards. I have been taking lots and lots of medicine more so than usual just to avoid hurting myself. My mom says she is going to seek out a therapist but I’m fucking terrified of it after what happened last time.

But yeah, you should know I’m not some “cyberbullying”. I am just a girl with several different mental disorders trying to fight my rights to be myself without having to feel guilty or gross about it. I just want to be me without any “friends” suddenly saying “you’re gross and I fucking hate you” and leaving me and saying more shit about me behind my back. This has happened so many times that I lost count and I’m so over it. Now I’m too scared to even make any new friends at all because I know now that I was born to be hated. But yeah, sorry if I ended up having people come to you and saying shit, that wasn’t my intention when I vented about the things you said. But you should know that I had people coming to ME as well and say horrible things to me as well. And I’ve reverted back to my 2019 self. All that recovery from 2020 is gone yet there, like a hazy dream. But I cling to those memories because it’s the only thing that’s keeping me from going completely insane. But yeah. You did bad too. Consider that.

[teaveetamer]

I am curious, I've been watching the discourse going on for a bit without getting involved and at this point I feel like I have to ask.

What is the desired result here? Why are you engaging in the discourse at all? Clearly this is not a discussion, so what do you gain from interacting at all?

(I will send this to several people, just out of curiosity)

Alright anon allow me to explain what's been going on with me on my end.

The year is 2019 (yes, we're doing this). FE3H has just come out. I play it and rather enjoy it actually. I've got a couple of ships that I'm into, some fanfic I want to write, etc.

I go onto Reddit to chat with people about the game. Now I don't really like Edelgard, but I'm chill, I'm open to discussing the game and getting alternate viewpoints. Initially it's more or less fine.

Then some posts start coming up. People start getting really aggressive about this. I'm trying to have a conversation, but it feels like their goal is just to shout me down. I get in arguments, I get in fights, I get misgendered, I get called a bigot, I get frustrated, I get ablest rhetoric spewed at me, and I waste my life.

Stop. Take a look at myself. I'm literally sitting here arguing about Edelgard von fucking Hresvelg for hours of my day. I'm annoyed, I'm irritated, I'm always in a bad mood. Ugh.

Now it's 2020, early times I think. I resolve to stop looking at Reddit so much with regard to this game. It's not worth the hassle and the frustration. I should be, like, out doing things and having fun not wasting my time arguing with a bunch of weirdos on the internet. I want to have fun again, not be angry. I delete the Reddit app from my phone and install a blocker on my web browsers, even.

Start using Tumblr for more than just shippy stuff, and find people who agree with me, who are saying the things I've been saying. I stop feeling crazy for liking the game the way I like it. I make a few posts on my main blog but you know what, I don't really want my main blog embroiled in this shit, though I want to add my voice to the conversation. So I make this side blog.

Make some posts. I get flooded with asks from other people about the game, saying they agree with me and they're thankful that they aren't the only ones who think the way I do. I think within like a month of existing this blog had double the posts of my main blog (which has existed since 2016, so for four years at that point), most of them from asks.

The blog was initially for me to vent and throw in my two cents here and there, but I figure I'll keep it around in regular use because people seem to be benefiting from it.

Early on I tried to establish a rule for myself that 1) I wasn't going to go looking in any main tags (e.g. the Edelgard or Edelgard Positive tags) for stuff to reblog or talk about, and 2) I wasn't going to go into any Edelgard specific spaces looking for stuff to talk about (e.g. r/Edelgard or even Dimitri-critical tags). However, anything maintagged that was looking for a fight (e.g. a Dimitri-critical post in the main Dimitri tag) was fair game.

I'm not perfect, but I did try to stick to that rule. I talked about things that happened on the main FE Sub or FEH sub. I did my best to encourage my anons to not go seeking out stuff to bring back to me from Edelgard spaces. After all, this blog was meant for venting and having my own personal space where I could talk about my views without getting accosted. I thought it would be petty for me to go bring back stuff from other places.

Moving into 2021, I was kind of done with 3H. I was still getting like dozens of asks a day about 3H discourse. I'd answer one and five more would pop up in their place. By now we're like, well beyond 3x or 4x the amount of posts I have on my main blog. I'm getting kind of tired of it. It's a lot of the same points over and over and over. We're in pandemic times, so I can't even walk away from it and do something else IRL for a while before coming back to it. I feel like I'm wasting my life again. I feel like I've said anything and everything I could have possibly said about the subject. I ask people to stop talking to me about Edelgard. Eventually, everyone mostly obliges.

I still chat about it here and there, but I'm chatting about other stuff too. This blog is still about venting just about venting about more than 3H. A lot more petty fandom shit in general.

Now we're in, like, 2022. I don't remember exactly, Pandemic Time makes some of this a bit of a blur. I notice a new kid on the block, doing basically what I'd noticed happening on Reddit. Going into the wrong tags. Picking fights. Posting things in the wrong tags. Picking fights.

I'm over it, I'm done, I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I block the dude. Most people I know block the dude or ignore him. We figure he's new here, he just hasn't learned the etiquette.

He gets increasingly hostile. I'm not really paying that much attention, just getting info about it from the fringes. Again, we figure eventually he'll just go away if we ignore him.

Then Nilsh gets harassed off the platform.

My mutuals are getting increasingly hostile anons and combative reblogs.

At this point I'm relatively unaffected. I guess because I don't tag anything, so he didn't find it.

And you know what? I'm still like "he'll get bored. He'll leave eventually." We were all like "just ignore him, he'll leave eventually."

People try to explain tags to him. Try to help him curate his experience so he quits arguing with people who don't want to talk to him all the time.

Then Moonlitboar gets harassed off of the platform. They take the URL. He's bragging about having done it. He's spreading this vitriol to other platforms and convincing others to join in on the harassment.

And I'm like. Okay. This dude isn't leaving. This is what he wants. His goal isn't to talk about this game—his goal is to hurt us.

I unblock him and respond. We go back and forth. He stops... for a time.

Here's the thing. I didn't re-block him after that, and I didn't do that for a couple of reasons. First, because at this point I'm still hopeful that he's just unaware of what he's doing, and that he'll acknowledge how messed up it was and apologize. I'm all for second chances. The second, because he's dangerous and I'm worried that if I don't keep tabs on him, he's going to try to hurt me.

It's not long until he's doing the same shit again. He tries harassing BWIIDT, he tries harassing FantasyInvader, he tries harassing Ezra, he tries harassing RandomNameless, he tries harassing Emblemxeno, he tries harassing Gascon, he tries harassing people I've literally never even heard of. I keep calling him out, and he tries harassing me. He calls me hysterical, accuses me of acting like a victim. Tries to make me feel stupid and small by saying I don't have anything worth his attention to respond to.

(By the way dude, my point about that was that you were being misogynistic but treating discourse like it was only worth responding to if it came from a man. See, I noticed that you only liked to attack people you thought were cishet white men like yourself, even if we were saying basically the same things at times. The fact that you continue not "debunking" any of my posts doesn't upset me; it proves my point)

He blocks me. I can't say for certain why, but my bet is that he realized people were actually listening to what I had to say, and having a queer woman question the actions he purported to be for the benefit of queer women wasn't a great look for him.

He's still trying to harass me. He's taking screenshots, he's using my name, he's @ ing me. He's casually lying about me. He's using sexist rhetoric implying that I shouldn't be listened to because I'm just too ~in my feelings~ and he's the true victim of my hysterical victimized martyr complex (geez, you sure a a feminist ally for that one, aren't you?)

You know, I did actual research when one of my anons accused him of being a trump supporter and tried to lie about him? I burned an entire evening on that, because I didn't want to be spreading lies about people. Meanwhile he lets his anons casually and repeatedly misgender me without so much as a passing correction, and he hangs out with people who spread lies and slander accusing others of heinous crimes.

And you know what? If I knew it was going to be like this? I'd still waste that evening and correct that anon. It's not about getting a petty win or convincing people he's a bad person for me. It's about being respected.

So to get back to your question. Why am I doing this? Because I have to. Because I know that if I don't he's going to hurt someone else, just like how he hurt Nilsh and Moonlitboar. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, after all. We ignored him and he didn't leave, so now we have to say something.

What's the desired result? I want to be respected, like I've tried to respect them for almost the entirety of this blog's existence. I want my boundaries acknowledged. I want him to stop hurting people for no other reason than to hurt them, because they don't agree with him.

When will I stop? When he stops.

[ardathksheyna]

Fuck Everything

I've given up on the job market. I may as well admit that I'm not going back to work in software development. I'm either "overqualified" (too old) or not qualified enough (non-white/female). It's time I stopped lying to myself about the right one coming along because it's too much mental stress in hoping right now.

My biggest regret? Bowing to the pressure of those "older" and "wiser" than me and going to school. "Go to school," they said. "There'll be more opportunities," they said.

What opportunities? Those opportunities only exist if you're a straight, white, neurotypical (read: extroverted) male. YoU GoTtA nEtWork MOrE! YoU GotTa BUILD yOuR nEtWork!

Lol, I tried that. I really did.

My "network" turned its back on me the last time I got laid off. Same thing this time.

It's like once you've been laid off, no one wants to hear from you because it's obvious that you're either bad luck or you "did something" to deserve getting laid off.

I have no network. What "network" I do have is in the same boat as I am. Social anxiety and agoraphobia basically fuck me out of networking events (hence why I need a remote job.)

Yeah, I'm alone. Other than my boyfriend—who can't be my emotional health crutch forever—I am completely alone in this. Most of the people I thought I could call friend turned their backs on me for being "toxic."

Gee—didn't know that going through family backstabbing, bankruptcy, house-fire, and multiple job losses all in the space of three years made someone toxic but do please go on.

That wasn't this time, btw—that was 2016 through 2019. 2020, I did finally find some peace and enough financial security that I could a chance and buy a house with my boyfriend two years ago.

Until my employer decided that a) he wanted a beach-front mansion, and b) he didn't want to employ WordPress developers anymore and decided to lay all of us off this past spring.

Some cold comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one, except for the fact that the bimbo HR Cunt in the meeting seemed downright pleased that I was getting the axe.

I hope that bitch chokes on a fish-bone. As for the rest of that company's leadership—I hope to whatever gods that be that they experience the same pain, loss, and heartbreak that I went through.

I hope their families turn on them, I hope they go through the humiliation of bankruptcy court. I hope they lose everything that they own in a house-fire and have to wonder about where they're going to live next.

I tried to be the "better person" these last five months by holding back that hatred, but I can't. Whatever bad end the leadership of that company has coming to them, they have more than earned. I don't care if they have families.

Guess who else had families? The people they laid off. Who are now struggling to put food on the table, pay their mortgages and other bills, and still haven't found a job because recruiters and hiring managers have gotten lazy with using AI to create spam job postings.

Some of my coworkers were like me—they felt secure enough to buy houses—only to find out 18 months later that they don't have jobs anymore.

Fuck severance. I think companies that do this shit to their employees should be on the hook for their former employee's bills for however long it takes that employee to find a new job.

Especially since employers wanna play that "We're A Big, Happy Family" bullshit. They want loyalty but give none. I should have known better. I /did/ know better, yet I thought maybe this time. Lol nope, proved wrong once again.

Everyday is a battle—a decision as to whether or not I keep going or do I just end it? My boyfriend is the only thing that keeps me here. I don't want to think about what would happen to me if something were to happen to him.

So yeah, that's been my summer in a nutshell.

Oh, and the absolute kicker? I got laid off the day before my birthday.