#and bad shit has not stopped happening to me since 2019

[vitiateoriginator]

Yesterday I went for a routine checkup with my obgyn and the first thing she did was say to me 'have I told you you have a large thyroid?"

Anyways now I gotta make an appointment with a primary doctor to see what all that's about

[pebsterino]

Im a fan of Da since 2019, I've cherished all 3 games, my favorite one is DA2. I will not be persuaded by anyone that DA4 is a good DA game.

They have damned everything I loved about Dragon Age for... this???

This is no longer the dark fantasy I fell in love with; it's a game that feels more like a Disney movie, complete with writing intended for children. The way they treat YOU as a player suggests that you aren't capable of solving the easiest riddle in this world. The direction of the writing is baffling. The constant explanations for everything make my blood boil because I'm not a child, and I can think for myself. They claim this is an RPG, yet it lacks any meaningful RPG elements. You have no choice whatsoever; your character is scripted the way the developers wanted them to be. (By the way, I had no idea that no matter which option you choose, your character will always try to be funny in an unfunny way.)

As for the gameplay, I've never cared for the gameplay in any Dragon Age games, so I won’t dwell on it, but I’ll share my opinion nonetheless. I think it’s still an improvement from Inquisition, but that’s not hard to achieve. The game was designed to be played online, which is another insane thing to consider. Is a Dragon Age game supposed to be online??? It’s so ridiculous, and I have no idea how BioWare thought it would work when nobody showed any interest in the multiplayer mode in Inquisition.

The lack of choice and the absence of consequences for your actions are glaring issues. Not a single companion cares if you try to be "rude" to them because you simply can’t be. The fact that you cannot make any of your companions leave your party is ridiculous. You are forced to harden one of your companions (which happens in almost every title), and the only consequences of them being hardened are that they will refuse to heal you and their approval rating is slightly lowered. You can literally romance both of them as if nothing happened.

I'm tired of my companions constantly reminding me that they have issues and need to work through their trauma with my character. As someone who goes to therapy every week, I find this portrayal insulting and ridiculous. Therapy is neither fun nor pleasant. It isn’t something you resolve by completing two quests and reassuring a character that “it’s fine, we have each other, and I care about you; your feelings are valid.” It’s the most absurd echo chamber I’ve ever been in. The fact that none of my companions can stop making everything about themselves and get their shit together while a blight is swallowing the world is beyond me. Therapy takes months, even years, and it’s a deeply personal journey that friends cannot, and shouldn't, interfere with. The whole idea that my protagonist can choose what’s best for the companions is equally absurd. My companions should be making choices based on how I treated them throughout the game; it shouldn't be up to me to decide that. And the best part is that, in the end, it doesn't matter, because no choice in this game has any real weight. Honestly, it’s narcissistic of anyone to expect others to fix their mental health issues. This was a reality check for me when I was younger; it hurts, but it is what it is.

The writing of the characters is something I never thought possible, but here we are. Most characters are written as if they're afraid to offend anyone. My wise friend once said, "If you live your life trying to avoid offending everyone, you might as well not live at all," and that’s true. It’s probably another reason why I can’t take anything seriously in this game—because nothing is serious. Nobody talks like this ever. So much of this is self-indulgent writing, which is fine and valid if you do it for yourself, not for the masses who will play this game.

This is easily illustrated by the Commander of the Grey Wardens, who tries so hard to be the bad guy. He won’t listen to logic or reason; he’s just a children’s movie villain who is evil for the sake of being evil. Honestly, the dialogue speaks for itself.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

it's hard to imagine that if they actually dated she would be posting bts content from 2020 to prove it. like she would have to have something she took herself. she has been stoking these rumors for years and she has yet to show something that proves they have ever even met irl. i hope the rumor that he moved out before enlisting is true because this is getting old.

"she has been stoking these rumors for years and she has yet to show something that proves they have ever even met irl." Exactly, yeah.

There was someone yesterday or the day before who sent an ask arguing in favor of every story she posted the other day and how she couldn't have possibly gotten those from anywhere else when she very much could've. All I'm gonna say is people have literally worn Jimin's fake love outfits because somehow fans got a hold of it, and someone was able to get his mail from BTS own home. Also, when that guy posted the heart jikook photo and some other Jimin photo from Japan in like 2018/2019, everyone immediately and unanimously agreed that he couldn't possibly be their friend anymore because if he was he wouldn't have posted those photos. And I agreed with that because I've also seen how Jimin seems to handle his personal relationships and to keep their exposure to a minimum. We don't even see social media posts with sungwoon or saeon who are also somewhat public figures.

But I really don't care about "debunking" any of it, I think the back and forth between "this is legit proof" and "that isn't legit proof" is stupid and annoying.

I've been told before stuff like why do you get so defensive about it but it's not defensiveness. It's annoyance because I really seriously geniunely don't care if it's real or not, and it's annoying that people want me so bad to care. Like why does it matter??? I don't have that parasocial of a relationship with Jimin, but have those anons stopped to think they might have a parasocial relationship with ME? Because I really can't understand why they want me to care so bad.

Last December, I was on holidays right, and I sleep with my phone next to my bed and the phone vibrated like three or four times in a row and it woke me up (I have really light sleep). I checked it and it was just before 7am and the phone had been vibrating because of tumblr notifications. I opened them and it was I SWEAR like 3 or 4 messages recounting every single instagram story the actress had ever posted or some shit. I blocked that anon immediately. Nothing had even happened!!!! That person just felt like obsessing over this woman's instagram and that was it. So they had to come and give me all their "proof" and accusing me for not believing in it.

I've also realized how much ammo she gets by doing these slight, sneaky """reveals""" because it's actually what gets people talking more than they would if she just posted a photo of Jimin sitting on the toilet. People post her stories, then go check them, then check her comments, a couple of hours later they check to see if she's deleted them, etc etc. All while others on twitter were sharing the stories left and right and comparing it with the bangtan bomb and trying to decipher if it was really Jimin behind that flower emoji.

So, yeah that's really it. Also not directed to you, but to some other people. Don't ask me or expect me to care... I might've cared years ago when I still believed Jimin and Jungkook were a thing but I've been saying more like two years already that they're not fucking each other, so there's literally no reason at all for Jimin dating to ever affect me. And even when I did believe they were fooling around, I never ever said "they're totally in a committed exclusive real relationship and have been married since 2015" because I've never believed that.

I've been a fan of Harry Styles since I was 15 years old and it has never bothered me to see him making out in public with the whole lineup of Victoria Secret's models because I've just never been that person. So even if it wasn't the reaction people expected me to have, you're just gonna have to believe me when I say Jimin dating rumours do not bother me.

Lastly and I really doubt I'll be addressing this topic again unless something really significant happens, there really isn't necessary "proof" for me to take this seriously. I just don't have enough information to believe in this rumour and that's just it. I'm not going to be thinking harder and trying to connect barely-there dots for someone else. If there is something there, or there was at some point in the past, I'm gonna need taennie level of proof.

[causesciencethatswhy]

Was thinking how we get confirmation of some of the things years later. Like in today's ep jm said him, jk (confirmed) and either one of jin and yg (jm was a bit confused who but it could also be that yoonjin both left later like jikook) were the last ones to leave their dorm and remember how we used to think jikook "might" live together cause they used to share car alot during 2019-2021. Now idk exactly when they left their dorms but i do know the news of RM and jm buying house in nine one hit the media around june 1st 2021. Also that one BTS video where the boys were interviewing e/o and jk asked jm what was the most enjoyable thing these days and jm replied "The most enjoyable thing these days is waking up and seeing jungkook" idr but wasn't it around 2019-2020 when he said that? And jikook and yoonjin used to share car, jikook the most of times so i think yup jikook used to live in the shared apartment be it dorm or whatever that is. So we were basically right.

Intersting thing is even after RM and jm buying house we still saw jikook sharing cars now idk why that. Yes when minimoni brought their houses they shared car but it was like only few times but jikook still has shared cars few times here nd there so i wonder why is that maybe they love sharing cars or their houses are near or etc etc.

Maybe as the besties they're when it comes to car sharing they just simply put these two together knowing they have shared it before too. Remember how they shared car 4 days of concerts in LV? There's another thing who's confirmation we got way later but i don't remember that now but yeah.

Also the way tkkrs be like "but jungkook don't cook for jm he doesn't even have jm's number" both got denied in this ep....i know it's only them who believed their shit theories but they're sooo many in number and they spread it everywhere so it's like thousands of them i think like 99% of them belive that shit. "Jungkook doens't have jm's number why is it a problem it happens people don't have e/o's numbers why are you blaming tkkrs for it" i remember mfkr dionysustkk tweeting this. The way i wanna bitch slap that identity crisis human. Like bitch not only he has jm's number (sounds so fking silly to say even) he literally knows jm's House password and walks like he knows the place and even cook for the two of them so you can sit in a corner and cry me some river

Thank you for this mini timeline compilation anon!

I found it interesting that jimin knew for sure that jk was still with him at the dorms but couldn't confirm whether yoonjin were there too. Seems like a detail you'd recall I feel, unless you were spending a majority of your time with one person. And if we are to go by your timeline it does seem that even after moving out jikook seemed to have made a deliberate choice to take the same car on multiple occasions. I do think there was a period in mid 2021 and early 2023 where jkk were maybe not seeing each that frequently based on some of their conversations, but this docu has really made me re evaluate a lot of these assumptions.

Since 2020, we have gotten almost 1/3 the amount of behind the scenes ot7 content and that definitely had an impact on many peoples assumptions on the members relationships. It's why certain "groups" felt more confident in proclaiming that jikook were never close or only fanservice.

Tkkrs and their cult leaders will never stop in their attempts at undermining jikooks relationship with false narratives. It's something I didn't understand the need of when I first entered shipping spaces because if you believe tkk are real and in a healthy relationship, then why would assuming jikook are close friends, in any way would come in the way of that? Why did jimin need to be the villain in their theories so bad? It's only now that I kinda get that as a tkkr, they can't possibility perceive that tkk are in a 'genuine and healthy' relationship if they have to take jikook at face value. Cause the way those two interact and prioritise one another, does really throw tkkrs off gaurd. Which is why so much of their belief and foundation hinges on all of jkks interactions being fake and forced and jk secretly hating jm. Because the alternative cannot be that they're 'close friends" for them, once they start 'really seeing' jikook for the way they are around one another, it disturbs their perfect ideal.

Not saying that there's no possibility that jikook are in fact just close friends after all, but I think once you do see that underlying spark that makes one go "?" ,it's kind of hard to unsee it.

[dreamersbcll]

“Ink Blots”

4/5

for @krikeymate

—————————————————————————

June 21st, 2019

Dear Sam,

The summer solstice. The longest day of sunlight in the whole year.

I remember that you used to force me to stay awake, and savor every drop of sunlight. Some years we spent it at the beach, some in the backyard, some on the roof of the twins house. It didn’t matter where we spent it, as long as we were together.

Amber picked up on our plans. She now makes me spend the day with her, holding her hand at the county fair and riding the tilt-a-whirl until I get ill. I hate spinning. But it makes her happy.

How do you spend your summer solstice? Do you stay outside all day? Or do you hide?

I wish I could hide. The sun doesn’t shine quite as bright without you.

Your sunshine, Tara.

—

August 1st, 2019

Dear Sam,

It’s been a muggy, humid summer. I can’t go outside without my hair sticking to my face and my clothes damp. It’s disgusting.

The bad news is, our air conditioner is broken. Has been since early July. Mom never paid the bill, so the city shut it off. I’ve been working non stop at the local Dairy Queen, but surprise surprise. Minimum wage doesn’t pay shit. It’s not like I can do anything with my checks anyways. Most of it goes to house bills.

Luckily Amber lets me sleep over. I’ve been practically living there. It’s been nice, being in a house where mothers act like mothers, and fathers stay. Plus the dinners and A/C. It’s been nice.

I hope wherever you are, you have air conditioning. And popsicles. I know you like Helado de coco. Papi used to pick those up from the taquería on the way home from work. You used to spill it everywhere and get me all sticky when you hugged me.

I’d kill for a coconut-y, sticky hug right about now.

Love, Tara.

—

October 3rd, 2019

Dear Sam,

Junior year is kicking my ass. I can’t remember the last time school challenged me this much.

You were always so good at school. So bright. So good at math and science. Unlike you though, I am a whizz at English. Seriously! I can write like no other.

I’m now the Chief Editor of the newspaper. Ms. Smith put a lot of faith in me to be able to handle a staff. I'm not very good at it. Leading people isn’t very natural for me. It is for you, though.

Chad is the captain of the football team, Mindy the captain of the debate club. Amber was made captain of the forensics team. We’re all growing up, Sam.

The kids you used to spend so much time doting on, feeding, changing; are all grown. Not really. I won’t be eighteen for a bit. But still.

I hope you know we think of you everyday. I do at least. Chad likes to talk about the sleepovers you held for us, and Mindy wishes you were here to help with calculus. Amber gets an odd look when we talk about you, but I don’t care enough to ask.

Sending you love, Tara.

—-

December 14th, 2019

Dear Sam,

I am seventeen. Does anything special happen at seventeen?

Mindy stuffed so many balloons in my locker, that when I opened it, a bunch exploded. That wasn’t a very fun principal office experience.

It wasn’t my first time there, though. I try to keep my nose clean, but I still sniff after danger. I mean, you left me Sam. I know what you did in high school. The teachers know.

I want some danger, too. I want to know what it was like for you to disappear and leave me. I want to know what forced you to leave me.

So I drink. I smoke. I have an ID. I drove drunk once.

It doesn’t matter. I don’t really care. As long as I graduate and leave, that’s all that matters.

Happy Birthday to me. I’ll pretend you said it to me.

Tara.

—

January 1st, 2020

Dear Ssmmy,

i can’t see straight and i miss you so much do you know that

but it’s new year and i’m seventeen and i have all these beliefs that you broke why does it matter

hope it’s nice where you are

i love you tara

—

March 24th, 2020

Dear Sam,

It’s been a minute. I’m sorry. Time has moved so fast, but also, not at all.

Chad won state of the basketball team. A buzzer-beater shot. Whatever that means. He picked me up and spun me around after he won. There’s a photo in the newspaper of it. I don’t like him like that, but he's my brother. I love him like that.

Mindy took the debate team to nationals. They got second place. I watched her on the shitty livestream. She was incredible Sam. You would’ve been so proud. She’s always been a genius argumentalist. Ever since she was young.

Amber won first in her forensics division. Something about stab victims and their criminal family. It creeped me out how much eye contact she made with me. I didn’t love that.

I just write for the newspaper and sling ice cream.

What do you do? Are you happy? Does life still pass you by? Or do you live?

Love, Tara.

—

April 19th, 2020

Dear Sam,

Well, AP season is upon us. I signed up for five.

I’ll ace maybe three. Environmental science, Spanish, and English literature. The other two are math. I’m not good at math, but perhaps it’ll work.

I stumbled upon a photo of us when we were young. Twas the night you taught me how to bake cookies. I had so much flour in my hair. How did that happen? Did I bathe in it? Doesn’t matter. I just love seeing your big smile, always directed at me.

Sometimes if I close my eyes I can still feel your smile on my face. Like the sunlight from the solstice.

Better go back to studying. One of us has to go to college and become master of the universe. I know you aren’t in college. It was never your speed.

Once I make a shit ton of money, I’ll come find you.

I promise.

Love, Tara.

—

May 17th, 2020

Dear Sam,

I passed ⅘ of my tests. Failed the physics one. No surprise there. I skipped that class at least three times a week.

I’m almost done with Junior year. And then I’ll be a senior. One step closer to leaving.

We didn’t have heating or a/c through the past few seasons. I can’t make enough money to keep us afloat. Mom works, but she’s out of the country more often than not. And gas bills are not forgiving, let me tell you that.

I’m moving into Amber’s house for the summer. I can’t survive another couple of months dying from sweating.

Your birthday/leaving anniversary is soon. You’re gonna be twenty-two. That should be fun, yeah?

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Love, Tara.

[teaveetamer]

Edelstans really lack self awareness huh? "We never said she had no agency, that's why we stalk and harass these haters/gross fujos cause how dare they say she did those bad things, she was forced to do so and it wasn't too bad, and it's the victim's fault for existing, and Dimitri's just as bad, etc etc uwu" And I especially like how you noted that they were going to look at your blog and throw a fit only to do exactly what you said. Very charming on their end.

Of course they did exactly what I said they would. They're in too deep to stop now. They need to keep justifying to themselves why it's "okay" for them to attack us, otherwise people there might start catching on to the fact that what they've been doing is abhorrent.

Anyway, a bit anecdotal but it's definitely not just "one or two" people doing this to Edelgard either. Let's just set aside for the moment the "better than canon" fanfic they always rec which spends the bulk of it's text treating Edelgard like a sad little girl with no agency. Let's talk about the most ridiculous example I've encountered of Edelgard stans completely refusing to acknowledge her agency.

I have had some really intense arguments with Edelgard stans insisting that she never set Bernadetta on fire. When I could prove with actual, literal, video evidence that she does set Bernie on fire, I was told that it was a programming mistake/glitch/bug because Edelgard would never.

Like holy shit. When you're to the point of accusing the programmers of making a mistake because you, the end consumer who did not work on this game in any capacity, can't reconcile your reading of the character with things that canonically happened... I don't know what you want me to say.

I also didn't include this screenshot because it wasn't really relevant to the point I was trying to make, but a few replies down turns into a full blown r/SelfAwareWolves moment. Someone (paraphrased) says "people only want us to acknowledge her agency because they want us to think she's a villain"

You're so close. The reason why so many of us don't like Edelgard has nothing to do with misogyny or queerphobia or whatever. It's because we looked at the decisions she made, acknowledged that she made those decisions with full agency, and we think those decsions were wrong. I think starting a war of conquest is wrong. I think trampling the sovereignty of two independent states is wrong. I think continuing to work with people who perform human experimentation is wrong. I think benefitting from the genocide of a race is wrong. I have seen no convincing argument from your side on why I should change my mind.

Fuck me man, all three of those arguments have their own agency stripping counterarguments that I've been hearing since 2019. Literally everything from "defensive invasion, she knew Claude and Dimitri were going to invade her so she had to attack them first!" to "Fodlan was never REALLY three independent countries so she didn't REALLY decide to trample on their sovereignty!" to "she had to because she had a gun held to her head and the Agarthans forced her!!!" to the classic "um, she was like 9 when that happened" (She was not 9).

Do y'all not see how ALL of that completely strips her of the agency you keep insisting she's so feminist for exhibiting, and why some of us might think that's super lame?

[jessiquinn]

The undying series (Rex x villain reader)

2019-04-18

hello guys! I came with another mess that I fixed... kinda, hehe. hope you like it, if you did please tell me!

Generator rex was such a great series... the memories.

<Rex get's attacked from nowhere, a new team of villains has arrived... or is it?>

another X villain here,

this is part one of this short series,

Warnings:

1-bad language, 2-suicidal behavior, 3-bad story, 4-bad editing.

hope you enjoy it!

-------------

“what do you think Van shit is planning now,” Rex said while putting his stress on the ball in his hand, “sheesh is 5 in the morning dude chill. Stop worrying and sleep you've been up all night! and we have important training today” bobo covered his ears in annoyance.

“White knight speech today was strange... like he knew something is going to happen, plus it's been so long since he signed us for training, since when do we get training we’re pros at this point!” Rex finally threw the ball away, offended by his thought.

“*sigh in annoyance* for now get some energy, tomorrow we’ll ask him” Bobo finally said after falling asleep.

“I will be teaching you a new fighting technique, it'll help you in the future. the new e.v.o are stronger than before” agent six warned with a hint of worry, suspicious, since when does agent six show any kind of emotions especially worry? that is what circled Rex’s head at the moment.

Bobo and Rex shared a glance at each other, confused.

something is going on.

“last time White Knight said we didn't need this type of training,” Rex said with suspicion, “well now you need it so shut the hell up and listen”

after the training

“go to the main room Dr. Holiday wants you two” Agent Six said causally while cleaning his katana like nothing just happened, meanwhile, they were out of breath, they forgot how fast he was.

in Dr. Holiday’s office,

Dr. Holiday puts a new device on their arms, almost like a bracelet of some kind...

“what's happening Dr, first special training then this weird bracelet?” Rex is starting to feel alarmingly worried.

“All we know is this is a new order from White just watch out ok, you CAN’T and I repeat, you can’t leave without those bracelets, understood?”

“let's not make a big deal out of this you know how much paranoid white is, let's go eat some tacos, your treat, of course,” Bobo smirked at Rex, feeling like a winner.

Dr. Holiday didn’t utter a word, busy with her research.

in the city

“here you are, guys, what took you so long,” a familiar voice said, Noah. “training...there's something strange happening but we don't know” feeling exhausted even though the day just began.

-suddenly the bracelet begins to ring-

a feeling of danger fills the air, what’s happening?

-a motorcycle sound-

“bikers? What the hell is going on” Bobo said, taking his guns out, ready to shoo-hits Rex... he fell on the ground hard

“ugh what was that for!” he gets up as fast as his fall, “look!” Bobo warned a -a lot of motorcycles coming in Noah's way

The world around them turns into neon colors, Bobo grabs Noah and gets him out of the bikers way. “wtf is going on”

Rex activates his powers... nothing happens, a strange masked villain hits him again but this time with a gun.

Rex has been shot! once again on the floor, pain filling his body. tracing the wound... searching for the bullet...what...it’s a needle. his body absorbing every bit of the strange fluid.

drops to the ground

Bobo already called help, but Rex wasn't having it, adrenaline pumping through his body. the bracelet begins to ring, there was an option

"block"

pressing it without thought, instantly feeling bumps of power through his body again, got on his motorcycle, not giving one single fuck about traffic. all that mattered was catching up to them.

The villain kept on taking turns, but Rex was still on their back.

Bobo starts communicating through the earpiece “Rex! we need backup! they’re too many! they keep on multiplying!” “Hold on guys! I'm close to catching them” Rex felt a rush he hasn’t felt for a long time, driving at a speed he’s not allowed to is always exciting.

Finally! a dead-end, The villain stops, guess they didn’t know the street as they thought, a smirk spreads through Rex’s face. they got off their drive and start running, without a notice the motorcycle drifted toward them, making a big explosion.

immediately shielding himself “Don't think you won-” driving through the explosion.

-The villain is already in the building- using his mutation to fly at them, unluckily for him a smoke bomb hits his head.

“I.. should be more careful” feeling pain but adrenaline has never been stronger. arriving at the rooftops to see the villain running away, “if a chase is what you want then your wish will come true”

running to the edge of the building, his smirk doesn’t last as the villain took a jump. “shot” using his wings again, catching up to them.

“Stop!” Rex says before he goes to pin them, The villain takes a risk and jumps, there’s a big gap, shocked Rex too.

The villain falls to the other building, hurting their leg.

Taking the chance, “You can't escape now!” finally tackles them, The villain gets a small device, and points it at Rex, once again feeling weaker than before.

blocking his powers but that doesn’t stop him! he’s angry at this point. kicking the device away, finally using his new fighting technique.

as excepted the villain fights back, he tries to trap you but you keep on getting away.

finally had enough of this bullshit, grabbed his shirt, all that was written on his face is anger and shock, instantly throwing him away.

for once his luck started to work, and Bobo came! an Upside Rex smiles seeing them arrive “Finally!”

looking at the three of them, I’m surrounded “You are outnumbered, surrender” Agent Six points his katana at the villain with full confidence.

Your Pov:

standing on the edge, reaching slowly for your backup gun.

Boss’s number one rule! don't let them get yo- w-WHERE THE FUCK IS MY GUN! -it's on the other side of the building- damn this boy, taking a step back. looking at the ground, there were a lot of their forces.

I'm out of breath, weapons, and the ground is full of their forces.

huh, but I believe I’ve done my mission.

“surrender now” Agent Six once again warned.

I have one solution left... it will hurt but I have to, taking the extra needle that I had, a stab to the neck, and within seconds you were down.

They excepted everything but that.

the poison ran through you, “Get them to the base! fast!”

in Dc. holiday office

“Dc! Quick we need help immediately,” she didn't question anything and started right away.

“They stabbed themselves with the same needle I’ve been injected with or at least the same poison” he was still in shock, she took off the mask of the villain and it was... just a regular person.

a new villain?

Dc. Holiday does everything she can to do to save this life, “that's the strongest cure we have if that can’t help them I don't know what, I'm going to check them for e.v.o, help me!”

“holy shit she doesn't have any nanites” Nanite-free, Six, Bobo, and Noah arrive

“that was one hell of a fight! it's been a while since, what a stretch!” Bobo said while stretching.

“what just happened” White Knight finally arrives,

“You tell us, we know you knew something was up, so explain yourself!” Rex exploded, “They had the strange followers we had never seen before, they vanished out of thin air!” Bobo explained in confusion.

“if I knew something was up, you’d think I wouldn’t have stopped it sooner? Get this villain up!” furiously leaving the room.

After a while...

Your pov

opening my eyes, the first thing I feel is a strong hit of adrenaline mixed with fear, compantion

questions pop into my head “Why am I here? fuck!” “I should be dead!” looking around me, I’m tied to a chair... shit

from past experiences, I can tell what’s going to happen very soon... all I wish for is the package to arrive at the wanted destination, or else... someone is going to die.

getting involved in this mess only made my life harder, put my family in danger, and blackmailed through my family’s life. what else can I do but serve the hopeless hope of them still being alive?

all of this is for them...

an earsplitting sound blasts through the speakers, it already began.

“listen carefully, I will ask you ONCE. where is the needle? wrong answers will be faced with a punishment” the White knight said with rage yet calm demeanor almost chilling to the bones of how expressive his voice does.

You remained silent

one of the most important trainings of this ‘company’ or whatever, is the art of silence... Game is on

“1... 2.... 3″ waves of electricity pump through your body, shocking you into oblivion... yet, not bad, I can handle worse.

Silence

“Don’t celebrate too fast, this isn’t the worst mode we have. I can keep playing this game as LONG as you want” White Knight had a hint of play in him like he was enjoying this torture.

Silence

Without warning shock after shock, the pain kept on increasing every time.

Everyone was watching

“Sir, any more and we might have a body to explain,” Dr. Holiday said

“TALK, I WON’T STOP” White knight officially lost it, why was this so important to him? usually, he doesn't care much and makes us do it.

The pain was unbearable, I think my time is due, I win.

Rex rushes to White Knight and stops him in his tracks, “What the hell are you doing! We still need the information!” he was pissed.

fainting from the pain, let’s hope this time I won’t wake up.

Rex pov

“dr holiday, check if they’re alive! And you! You almost killed them, maybe even did! we don’t know! WE ARE HEROES, not villains! above that, we need them for information! if they’re gone! we lost our only hope and clue” Rex was furious.

“HOPE? What hope! even if they die, we’ll find them sooner or later” The White knight defended himself, Rex wasn’t having it “Yes, hope. how can we know where is their team without them in the first place! are you out of your mind?!”

dc. holiday and agent six got you into the medical center, you were in a critical state, proceeding to hock you into lots of machines from an oxygen mask to IV fluids, etc.

after 10 minutes you started waking up

oh no, I’m still alive, usually, anyone would die from this. meanwhile, Rex was keeping watch on you, “they’re awake”

You have been not tied up this time, dc. Holiday came “I need to check on some things, we’ll try again..”

I’ve done my mission successfully, although what’s left for me is to go home or die I guess... the hope of getting home was less than I could even imagine, guards are everywhere and my weapons are gone.

The boy left after he talked about bringing some people, taking the chance and using the doctor's tools against her, and injecting her with her own medicine.

interesting, she has fight in her. “Y..ou. will not win..” proceeding to fall on the floor.

taking some sharp objects from her lab with me just in case, stealth mode is on, scanning the area near me, searching for any exit.

The problem is if I get caught, my boss’s orders were clear... escape or die

This place seems like a maze, hope is getting lesser by the second, continuing to search for an exit, unfortunately, guards caught on to you, I’m not leaving without a fight!

They had guns and I had a couple of empty needles, they were laughing and mocking me, bad choice. making a perfect headshot with just the needles, mostly eye shoots... you get the gist.

They’re not going to die but they’ll leave me for now, now all the building knows you escaped. running, searching for a place to hide.

“STOP OR I’LL SHOOT” Turning around to see a blonde guy standing next to a monkey...

I knew this gun would be handy, shooting him with a speed he didn’t notice, unfortunately, the trick didn’t work on the monkey, he easily dodged it.

he was far more experienced, he’s a fucking monkey alright! deciding on finding the shelter now! thankfully the restroom was next to me.

closing the door shut on me, there was a vent but it was too small! “listen up... I’m not a jerk alright, I can’t go in the women’s bathroom” the monkey said?????.

wtf, I need to find an escape! And for sure the monkey wasn’t the last of them... the boy is.

no choice, there are no more options, if any info gets out, then my family is out.

dropping everything I have, cutting my sleeve fabric, and stuffing my mouth with it. I have to... taking on of the needles and without any more thoughts, cutting the left nerve... if that doesn’t kill me I don’t what...

all that is left is to wait for Sweet Sweet Death, getting into one of the stalls that’s harder to get into.

by the time you couldn't see anything...

You lost a lot of blood

but

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this is it for part 1, hope you liked it.

if you did please show me love <3

please reblog <3

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 148 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: mowing the lawn.

ELIAS: (mumbling) "Here we go" (normal) Good evening, Detective." [BASIRA IMMEDIATELY ASSAULTS HIM.] ELIAS: "Ow!" That whispered "Here we go"...(btw in neither the fan transcript nor the official one) Was it just "ah yes, Basira is back" or was it "ok, Basira is fuming and I know what she wants to do, let's get this over with...". He says it later, Basira is becoming predictable. Also very satisfying sound, 10/10, only MAG 200 is even better.

ELIAS: "– I’ve – I’ve always thought that a man’s eating habits were his own private business –" [BASIRA STEPS CLOSER] BASIRA: "Mm-hm." ELIAS: (strained like he is being choked) "– but… I can see how maybe I should have mentioned it." [ELIAS CATCHES HIS BREATH] Holy shit, I either can't remember Basira choking him or I never caught it before. Fan transcript doesn’t mention any sounds in this (I added them here), official transcript only describes Elias answer as "conciliatory".

ELIAS: "Look, look – I’ve been doing this a long time now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the Web, it’s that it plays its own game. All you can really do is hope it doesn’t get in the way of whatever your plan is. Because the Spider usually wins." We know that Elias finally saw his chance when Jon came to him already marked by the Web. And yeah, the Spider does win.

BASIRA: "You always call me “Detective.” Is that supposed to mean something?" ELIAS: "Honestly, I just like the way it sounds." In 159 episodes this is probably the only time he's clear about something and honest xD

JON: "I can’t believe you’ve been seeing him all this time." BASIRA: "Oh, yeah. That’s the terrible secret sabotaging the trust between us." Yeah, compared to others things, this does seem quite as big of a deal. Still, I think it's something that would have been worth mentioning. Since of a lot of relevant things happened because of this, that seemed like a dead end to them. That's suspicion. I saw an old post from 2019 some time ago, where someone said something like "The way the Dark ritual lead nowhere Jon's gonna kick off the Watcher's Crown by accident". Oops...

BASIRA: "Yeah. John, We’ve been over this. the key is to not force people to feed you their trauma. You know – just don’t do it?" Oh yeah, Nicotine is bad for you health? Just stop smoking. Easy. You're depressed? Just be more positive. Wow! /sarcasm

JON: "It’s not that simple." BASIRA: "No. It is. Or I put you down." Holy... Threatening to kill him... Wow. After she has watched Daisy for years and said nothing. She’s kind of extra aggressive on this day, first Elias, now this... Frustration?

BASIRA: "Daisy’s been managing." JON: "Daisy is… yeah. She’s managing." Daisy is fucking starving. Even if she hasn’t crossed into full Avatarhood (I think that happens after MAG 158...), Jon also was already dependent on statements in S3...

JON: "I have been meaning to ask: the tape, the one of the uh… my victim. You said Martin gave it to you." BASIRA: "Yeah." JON: "How was he? How did he look – was he – uh –" BASIRA: [interrupting; sounding slightly less harsh] "I don’t know. I didn’t see him. He just left it on my desk with a note." JON: "Oh. Right." BASIRA: "Yeah." JON: "Can I ask what it said?" BASIRA: "Um, yeah. It said, uh. “Talk to him”" JON: [harsh breathing/sobbing sounds] T_________T  It’s been a while since we had a heartwrecking scene like this...

I'll be honest, I have no memory of this statement...

There is so much more rambling about their general situation and less things actually happening, I'm already losing track again...

"So he found the manual. More of a pamphlet, really. Can’t have been more than ten pages of A5 in the whole thing, yellowed and water-damaged. Well-used, though. Someone had even put their name in the front, like they were afraid people were gonna steal a manky instruction book." Oh hold on, is that a Leitner?

Sounds like this Sampson really got into I'm On Observation Duty XD

"He kept saying, 'what do we do with his eyes?'" So the cameras?

"'He won’t stop,' he said. 'We can’t get rid of his face.'" On the CRT screen, Sampson wouldn't stop looking at them I guess.

Aw man, that post statement scene. It seems like it did something at least cause he says he's (feeling) better. But it’s not as nutritious as a new statement. And he’s needing more and more of the old statements. That’s also a effect of (some?) addicting substances. Getting accustomed to smaller doses and needing more to get the same effect as before. This is the only thing, which makes it seem like an addiction and not a need to survive. Though there are some indications that Avatars do need to cause fear to survive. “Feed your god, or it will feed on you” (MAG 89),  “Hopefully, he’ll fade away or burn out as they tend to when robbed of their purpose” (MAG 130),  “John Amherst was encased in concrete, and shrivelled away to nothing after just a few years” (MAG 184). Accepting less and less of old statements is probably just an effect of the Eye to bring him to get new experiences. And since there are some indications that also written statements given to the Archivist can cause those dreams (Dekker MAG 113, Salesa MAG 115) it will become more and more difficult to survive without harming others.

@a-mag-a-day

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

for pride month, i figured i'd do a non-exhaustive list of people/looks that have given me gender envy and inspired my sense of style as a transmasculine fellow.

this post is about to be long and also likely 'cringe' (which is dead, so i do not let it dictate my decisions, but just in case a non-mutual reads this and wants to send me hate-mail for my 'bad' taste: I KNOW.) since it includes several people i worshiped as a tweenager. if you don't wanna see me talking about five billion emo men, then you probably don't wanna read this :^)

mulan (1998) was one of my first experiences with gender-nonconformity and experimentation. her dissatisfaction with living as a woman and her shame with feeling that way deeply resonated with me, and her transition into ping lit up light bulbs in my tiny mind, as well as the scene in which she is outed against her will due to an injury.

-

from a very young age, i've always kinda wanted to embody the swagger of freddie mercury. i would say that as a 6 or 7-ish year old i experienced my first bout of true gender envy over him. i wished i could look and sound like a man because of him. i ended up shoving down these feelings for many years due to internalized shit and outside influences. yet he still remains forever in my heart as a major influence both as an artist, an outfit composer, and a person.

-

eddie van halen is cool as shit. idk man. i dig his style. these patch work pants did irreparable damage to my psyche.

-

ryan ross was a big idol of mine as a tween and still continues to inspire me to this day. i wished i could do my makeup like him and have his fop-y floppy 60s mop cut, which was probably the beginning of my obsession with having hair that looks Like That.

*bren.don. ur.ie gets a dishonorable mention here bc i don't wanna talk about him but when i was 13 i also wanted his p.o. era mop sooo bad like soo bad i was planning on getting my hair cut like that for real but instead life happened and i haven't had my hair cut since like 2019 and now i've committed to it being a mile long.

-

pete wentz is at the forefront of writers that i would say have influenced my works. his influence is just about inseparable from anything i've done since 2018 at least. he just, like, gets me, you know? including, of course, his fashion sense, which lingers still through my daily wardrobe.

on the right, i added a pic of him recently that made me lose my mind.

-

i'm grouping william beckett and gabe saporta together because both are scene fellows who had lesser but still notable affects on me. the former's hair and the latter's sense of style have stayed with me all these years for a reason, and that reason is because i wish i could look like them.

-

renfield is just like me for real so of course i wish i could steal dwight frye's gender. the suspenders plus the vacant, hazy look in his eyes did things to me.

-

the man, the myth, the legend, my most special of interests, mr sir peter wilton cushing obe. if i love him, and i feel unloved, then i must act like him and sound like him and look like him to feel truly loved, right? because i want someone to love me to the extent i love him? because i hate myself so much? it's psychosexual to me in a way but also 100% from my heart. i need to look like him ^

he cracked my egg. which i will be getting more into in the next entry. but! basically i realized that maybe it isn't normal to want to look exactly like a man, deeper voice and flatter chest and all. and then i was like what is stopping me from being trans actually besides other people's disapproval, which i had at that point stopped letting get in my way. so trans ellie canon and real from this point forward.

-

sherlock holmes is an entirely separate entry on this list than peter cushing because sherlock is a fictional character that has been portrayed in many different mediums and by many different actors, many of whom i at least kinda want to look like.

but most of all, i want to be like him, the idea of sherlock holmes. a protector who saves the meek and weak and who persecutes the oppressors. he is good, he is just, and he is loved by nearly all. also he is a major fucking nutjob, like me. he inspires me so much. this yearning helped me realize who i wanted to be, who i am. it makes my heart glow with hope and pride knowing that someone who so obviously has so much 'wrong' (wrong like me) with them can not just be a hero, but also one of the most definitive heroes in history.

-

adam ant's gnc swag.... idk man he ignited my historical obsession with highwaymen.

-

final thoughts:

i am so happy to be a trans fag ! my life is so much better since i realized that i am a boy ! 🥰🥰🥰 i am trying to experiment more with my appearance and i am loving it.

[notyourjaem]

Omg I almost hit unfollow instead of talk I WAS LIKE NOOOO!!

Ooooo thats so nice!! Being a Multistan is great until you become broke! My first kpop group was Exo I remember Watching Monster and looking at Baekyun and being like who is this man and why is he so pretty!! Ngl I hid the fact that I was into kpop when I was in High school because it is so much more accepted now than back in like 2016! I remember one time in my AP Econ class I was sitting down and my school played a minute of a song before the bell rang and they played TT by twice and this guy behind me says "just like tt" AND I TURNED SO FAST!! I was like this isnt happening! we were both so shocked to find out the other was into kpop.

I am ENFJ from my last test result I took one last year!

I SAW A TT today and it was people making fun of californians because were all freezing our asses off rn! I really need to buy warmer clothing. I say this but I slept in shorts and a t shirt with the fan on last night....I KNOWW. I dont think I would enjoy driving in the snow that much. I feel like I would be stressed 24/7.

Japan is soooo nicee ive always wanted to visit!!

I saw your post about online schooling and let me tell you Ive always hated it. It feels so weird and you cant meet anyone and its lonely!!

Oh my god IM SORRY I TALK A LOT

ang please I love talking whether that’s to other people or just to myself so please I don’t mind!! 😭 (also hope if it’s okay if I call you a million variations of your name / nicknames because I do that lol)

ah I have actually known about seventeen since their debut in 2015 but I didn’t become a carat until 2022. weird shit. and I liked bts a teensy bit in 2019 when mots: persona came out but again….stopped listening. then the kpop stan came full force in april 2022. maybe it’s a good thing I wasn’t a kpop stan back in the day bc the pain of not seeing concerts sucks real bad. I actually don’t have any kpop stan besties irl, I’ve just converted my sister 🤠 she likes most of the same groups as me, just not the girl groups. (well she’s a casual newjeans listener)

I don’t even know what the weather is like in cali lol but I guess your cold is different from my cold. it’s like 35° here and I just went to the gym in a hoodie and a winter vest. we’re actually about to get some snow I think….grrrr😠 and yeh driving in it sucks. I’ve driven in snow storms so bad that you have to like sit up and drive in silence the whole way because you have to lock in.

since im going into the automotive industry, my mom has big hopes for me to work in Japan someday. even if its just temporary like a year or so. Im hoping after I graduate college i can travel there for fun and “plant the seeds.” BUT!! I have to learn some of the language first. im too sporadic with it and really need to buckle down.

yeah…..im a lonely girly lately. it’s really getting to me. I’m in my second to last semester of school and doing everything all online is just so very sad. I yearn for friendships.

[officialtayley]

(long post allert)

Sorry but some people on twt piss me off. Yes, some people who went through trauma still feel affection to their abuser even after cutting them off, but it doesn't mean it is an universal experience, but some people really wanted that to be true for Hayley even despite her doing/stating multiple things basically denying it. She knew she deserved better while still being with him (she said so on that Bialik podcast). So these people who were thinking ffv was about chad not only couldn't connect obvious dots (ffv taking place before the final part of pfa, lyrical hints about someone who clearly wasn't chad), but also it was just them not accepting she could be in a different relationship than she was her whole life. I'm not saying people needed to know it was Taylor, but to deny so many obvious things that Hayley deeply loved another person and didn’t want their relationship to end… Some people just really wanted her to hurt, and be so deep in her trauma to never stop thinking about other person than chad. I know it's harsh but I really believe there were people who just wanted Hayley to hurt like the same way they were after leaving abusive relationships. I even remember back in like 2018/2019 people on reddit were saying that it's her time to be finally single and heal from shit, that she for sure isn't in a relationship nor she even wants to be. Well you can heal from shit while being in a love with someone else, also not everyone who was through shit actually misses and still loves her abuser. Hayley realised what he did to her, she never again felt like she needed him in her life, but some people just really want her to pin after chad her whole life. I mean that relationship left burden on her view of love, no doubt about that, but stop making everything in her life about this man. It wasn't a sudden divorce, but all her feelings to him were slowly dying/changing. She said in that letter to Aaron in 2016 (from No Friend) that she didn't have any trust in any relationship. I would say they were heading to divorce even before their marriage.

i agree with everything you said. you said it perfectly. no one has even said either that she can't have missed him or still loved him, hell she may have gone through that when divorcing, we don't know, but like you stated, she was VERY aware the relationship was bad for her, she said that since day 1 she knew it was doomed and was waiting for it to happen, and i think it was in the oped with paper magazine she said her love for him changed from romantic to brotherly. it really does feel like people wanted her to basically never work through her trauma and always be in it, because most of these comments also come from stans, people like us, people who kept up with chad after they split, people who still do, so they would've known a song like HYD would NOT have been about him as he wasn't a smoker. people conveniently love to forget that trying to be in a healthy relationship after an unhealthy/abusive one is very difficult and it's very common for self sabotage to happen, especially if she hadn't worked through some things like she thought she was going to. and that is very much what ffv is about, rather than it being about still holding onto that relationship, it's about how what she went through was then affecting the relationship she truly wanted to be in.

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Wow. So people are still accusing ME of harassing people huh? Firstly I wanna say I didn’t “harass” anyone. If I ever “start” anything it’s only cause they start it first. Because they said something horrible to me that made me feel suicidal again.

For the record, I’m not the monster here. What you said and did to me fucked me up real good. I’m not saying you’re a monster or you’re the bad guy but you did stuff to hurt me that’s why I “hurt” you. I stand up for myself. I did not “harass” you but you said things that made me as I said before suicidal and I hated that you got away with it. Also calling people names and swearing angrily and guilt tripping isn’t setting boundaries.

I’ve been clean since the very beginning of 2020. I’m not pulling the victim card or some shit here but you SHOULD know that I used to cut all the time in my teen years and in 2020 I finally stopped because I finally had people be nice to me for once. 2020 was the only year where I didn’t get harassed by anyone and the Onward fandom was so nice to me back then and supported ALL of me and who I was both inside and out. I was ok in 2021 until December after seeing a post saying I should be disgusted in myself and that I don’t really love Barley and that I should get fucked because I have a kink. A belly fetish. I was able to hold off cutting by I was questioning myself for the longest time and felt suicidal again and I vented too much online which lead to this. For the record I only vent online because I am at my worst and am on the verge of actually committing suicide and I have no one else to turn too. Suicide line sucks. I have no therapy because A, they’re all booked out and B, I am terrified to try as I had an Autistic-phobic psychiatrist who literally yelled at me because I wasn’t “a functional adult”. He had a go at me cause I didn’t get my license at 18 or a job and I was crying and sobbing because I was getting death threats back then. So yeah that made me feel worse and I’m scarred for life and am scared to seek help. Also I rarely vent to my family because I have daddy issues you can say. I won’t really get into it but it made me scared to ever tell my family anything because of the things he used to say to me if I ever felt anything.

After June I myself got harassed as well mind you. I got suicidal again and started getting bad nightmares and by the end of the year after bottling it all up I lost it and snapped. I did it again but more violently then ever before, deeper and longer and absolutely all over my arms. It was hard to hide them in summer. My Mom found me out because I wore long sleeves on hot days and I ended up explaining everything to her and how I have a kink. She said there was nothing wrong with it and that my dad even liked that sort of thing as well. It honestly made me feel better. I felt like I wanted to vomit as I explained because everyone online always treated me like I was wrong so I was scared to tell my family if they will agree and think I’m gross. But to my surprise they didn’t. My mental health has gone backwards and I’m my 2019 self again. The had to increase medication cause I was getting violent in public and trying to fight people who cut in line and do rude shit like that cause I’m so fucking done with humanity and humans, for all the shit they done to me. I made a few attempts to take my life but my family has been keeping a close eye on me. My mother took away my pocket knife, I have no idea where it is but it’s for the best that it’s gone. I still get strong urges to do those things. Also that aside my trichtillomania is out of control and my fucking eyelids are bald but that’s not exactly life threatening but its more that I feel embarrassed and ugly afterwards. I have been taking lots and lots of medicine more so than usual just to avoid hurting myself. My mom says she is going to seek out a therapist but I’m fucking terrified of it after what happened last time.

But yeah, you should know I’m not some “cyberbullying”. I am just a girl with several different mental disorders trying to fight my rights to be myself without having to feel guilty or gross about it. I just want to be me without any “friends” suddenly saying “you’re gross and I fucking hate you” and leaving me and saying more shit about me behind my back. This has happened so many times that I lost count and I’m so over it. Now I’m too scared to even make any new friends at all because I know now that I was born to be hated. But yeah, sorry if I ended up having people come to you and saying shit, that wasn’t my intention when I vented about the things you said. But you should know that I had people coming to ME as well and say horrible things to me as well. And I’ve reverted back to my 2019 self. All that recovery from 2020 is gone yet there, like a hazy dream. But I cling to those memories because it’s the only thing that’s keeping me from going completely insane. But yeah. You did bad too. Consider that.

[russeliarat]

Hello, it's the recovering fuck up, Rhea, again.

I'm going to talk about what I remember of my life so my pseudomemories are plainly recorded for the next poor sod that needs to remember it for whatever reason. Archiving system stuff is very much needed with our system since everyone has amnesia to a very intense degree.

I was born to a Scandinavian-British father and British mother, though growing up I was exposed to only the British side due to my father's internalised shame from my paternal grandfather being a migrant. I grew up in the 1980s in the south of England in a small village in the middle of assfuck nowhere, where my parents hammered into me about being a 'proper lady' despite living in a place and being in a social/wealth bracket where it didn't matter because no-one was that proper. I grew up lower-middle class with three older brothers, Michael, Damien, and Jerard Rilley, who quickly fueled my want to learn how to wrestle and fight so I could stop getting smashed in our rough housing.

Michael was 14 when I was born, Damien was 9, and Jerard 8. We got baptised young since you had to be if you wanted to go to school and I learned way too much about Jesus and God for me to really care about religion nowadays. Wholly turned off from it when my brothers beat the shit out of the noncy highschool priest for me. At 14, I seriously started wrestling and boxing as an extracurricular in highschool, and started lifting weights soon after even if my parents disapproved. I lost a bunch of friends when this happened because of rumours going around that I was a lesbian (I was, that part was true) and had AIDS (that part was not true) that started because of my weightlifting and boxing, and the 90s weren't a wonderful time to be gay in the UK. I just launched myself further into it and without much else knowledge of what I wanted to do with my life, I went to college for sports science and threw myself into a scholarship due to have very poor grades. I know now I struggled with dyslexia as a teenager.

In my 20s, I got heavily into partying and drinking due to not holding down a stable job, housing, or many friends or loved ones and became very depressed. I went down a steep rabbit hole of addictions during that time and by 28, almost ended up homeless. On Christmas Eve on 2008, my friend who I was staying over at had an intervention and made me go sober or she'd kick me out. It was rough but it worked since I needed somewhere to stay and eventually I managed to get back on my feet. Got a stable-ish job as a till worker in a supermarket and worked my way up until I could start paying rent for myself. I got a cat, named her Midnight, and she helped with the depression a bit.

Around 2014, I got very badly sick and had to stay at the hospital for four weeks for meningitis and, let me tell you, being stuck in a sterile environment for four weeks when you've got a brain infection is ROUGH. I almost lost most of my mobility in my left arm since I barely got to the hospital in time to fix it. Luckily, it didn't get to that. I did have to get my strength back manually after being stuck in a bed for so long and had my own PT for a while, who got me my own therapist after noticing my mental state since Michael died in 2013 from pneumonia the winter before, he went swimming in a lake like an idiot. My PT was a good one, an absolute gem of a woman.

Anyway, the last memorable thing that happened before I got taken away to be in the system was in 2017 when Midnight died from old age at 8 years old. She was a very lovely cat.

Then I got put in the system and for a while, I'd front with littles and very vulnerable middles who struggled to self-regulate. Eventually my role kind of just started to encompass regulating the body and people in front when they couldn't and would often be triggered out when people in front were triggered. 2018/2019 was a very very bad time for our system due to extreme bullying and a continuation of problems with friends that became very quickly traumatic, so I quietly fronted a lot. It's possible that I may have accidentally introduced myself as 'Rhea' to some people and not our legal birth name. It's also possible that one of our current friend who knew us since the first year of highschool (about 6/7 years ago now) knew about me. This friend apparently picked up on the fact that we were a system about 5 years before our current host, Russelia, did.

I was so open in fact, that it was decided by the admin of the system at the time, Maia, that I'd be pushed back into the subconscious of the system and eventually go dormant to keep us safe. That happened around 2020/2021. I came out of dormancy in 2023 and have slowly been creeping closer to front until I made myself known to our main host, Russelia, tonight. Now, I can post on this tumblr despite Whole (our other host and admin) knowing about me since I went un-dormant because this is technically Russelia's blog.

[coridallasmultipass]

Personal / vent / medical dental / long post

Shitstorm timeline:

2017-2018 - have a cavity and unable to contact any dentists while living in NYC (even though I was paying for dental insurance, no place would call me back). Every time I took a sip of hot tea, it was like instant pain regret on one part of my mouth.

2019 - I got back to Cali in Dec 2018 where I'm covered by insurance with my tribe (dentist works at my tribe), and it took months to be able to get into an endodontist (not in my tribe), and longer to get a second endodontist because the first guy was getting fed up with me not being able to tell HIM which tooth hurt more (I have chronic pain). He randomly picked a tooth and was like, 'We'll jusg do this one, then.' YEAH, NO. Got a root canal in summer with the second guy who was a lot more professional. The experience sucked for my jaw, but it was fine, and I like this second guy. The sensitivity stopped.

2022 - Pain in the same tooth returns with sensitivity to both hot and cold again. I go back to the good endodontist and he says everything still looks okay on the high tech scans. He notes that I used to be taking meds for fibromyalgia (they don't work, but that's another story) and suggests that the pain is because of the nerves around the outside the root-canal-ed tooth being sensitive. It makes sense to me, because honestly, all my teeth hurt. It was just weird to be sensitive to hot again (which is a notable sign of a bad root).

November 2024 - I wake up one morning feeling simultaneously like I got punched on the face and stung by a bee on my very back tooth (on the opposite side of the root canal tooth). It was swollen and hot and I was freaking out. Saw the dentist who scraped down an old uneven filling on the back, and gave me antibiotics (a whole Situation arose with needing to take those every 6 hours). He said it could also be due to the filling on that tooth being placed so deeply.

December 2024 - Had a follow up with the dentist, the infection situation got better, but I was still having sensitivity to cold, moreso than usual. He sends me back to the endodontist. I made the appointment, and assumed it was gonna be another consult visit, like what happened the first time - a consult to figure out which tooth and a separate appointment for the root canal.

Today (still Dec 2024) - I go in for my appointment and get the scans and talk to the doctor. And he's like, yeah, looks like the filling is probably causing the tooth root to go bad due to irritation or the infection. Then all of the sudden I'm getting numbed and they're doing the root canal right there. GUYS IF I KNEW THAT HAPPENING SAME DAY I WOULD'VE FUCKING TAKEN MEDS BEFOREHAND AND NOTIFIED THE TMJ DOCTOR I'M SEEING WHO'S DOING ORTHODONTICS FOR ME LIKE. FUCK, MAN. I DID NOT PLAN FOR A SURPRISE ROOT CANAL.

Before that shit, my mom who was with me when I called to schedule was like, "You know it's a 2 hour appointment, right?" And I was like, no the 2 hour one was the physical therapy appointment. She said no, both are 2 hours. My fucking dumb ass did not understand the situation. Lately, I'm tired and stressed and on edge the whole time due to my back injury. It's also very hard for me to understand people on the phone. I misunderstand people all the time, generally speaking.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. Remember how I had to go back to the endodontist in 2022 due to that old root canal tooth still causing me pain? WELL NOW THAT ONE IS GONNA NEED TO BE DONE AGAIN. He saw on the scan it has a bad spot next to it! And explained how, on that tooth, I had a double root in one spot, and how sometimes when that happens, the roots connect together twice, farther into the tip of the tooth, which is something that can't be seen during the root canal proceedure. And how now, he's gonna need to go back in there from the side to open all that up to clean it, since it can't be reached vertically through the crown.

My fucking God, could my day get any worse. That's gonna be a nightmare situation.

The whole proceedure today was so fucking painful on my jaw. I already have trouble eating food due to jaw pain. In the room they were like, "Open your mouth for the bite block. Open. Open. Open your jaw." I'M FUCKING TRYING, MY JAW IS SLOWER THAN MOLASSES ON A COLD DAY. "Open your jaw to take the bite block. Open. Open. Open." I'M TRYING. Then after, "Bite down to test the fit. Close your mouth. Bite. Bite down on this." I FUCKING CAN'T MY JAW'S STIFF BRO I CAN'T CLOSE IT AHAHDBJSJSOSPSKWNSNS.

Fucking miserable, dude. I hate having bad teeth. I hate it so much. Especially because I've been taking such good care of my teeth since starting the orthodontics (clear plastic trays), since I have to floss and brush after everything I eat. I have completely lost my appetite since starting that, too, so it's like, I'm not even eating sweets anymore since eating anything feels like a chore since my jaw hurts and then I have to do dental care 2-4x a day. (More like just 2 now, since I'm only eating like 2 small meals a day now.) I'm constantly stressed from having a back injury go untreated since May (I still haven't seen a spine specialist - that's later this month). I had an extremely traumatic summer due to something happening with my living situation. And now I have to get more medical shit done. I know it's originally partially my fault for getting a cavity back there on the new spot, to need the filling in the first place, partially genetics for bad teeth, too. But I've been taking care of my teeth!! Why does this have to happen!! When I'm taking care of myself!! Same deal with my back! I was exercising all summer, EVERY DAY, with the injury to try and gain strength, but I reinjured it a third time in September and had to stop, ughhhh.

Stress is bad for your teeth and health, but there's nothing more I can fucking do about it. The bad health is stressing me out. The circle of stupidity is complete.

God, why did this have to happen today, I was so NOT mentally ready for a root canal proceedure to happen.

And!! Because I didn't know this was going to happen today, I just called my dentist to get a crown, and the soonest they can see me is a month from now. So now I'm gonna have a whole month with the temporary tooth filling, stressing about how in the fuck are they gonna make me a crown that FITS INTO MY ORTHODONTICS TRAYS!! THE TRAYS I'VE BEEN SUFFERING WITH SINCE MAY. I do NOT want to start over. My teeth have not stopped being in pain since before I started, my jaw has not improved at all either. Like. At least let me have straight teeth if jaw isn't gonna get better. I still can't close my teeth together because they stopped fitting a long time before I started orthodontics, and they still don't fit together. Like, I can still slide paper into my mouth with my teeth closed. If I can at least close my teeth, then I will happily live with my jaw pain, just let me stop doing orthodontics, it fucking hurts.

My jaw though, fuck, this proceedure hurt so badly. 2 hours of pain. And the doctor had me take Tylenol in the office, so I can't take the painkillers I have at home for my back since they're cut with Tylenol. (So now my back is hurting, too, since I haven't taken anything today!) It'll be too late by the time the Tylenol wears off, to where I can't mix painkillers and my sleeping meds, so I gotta wait for tomorrow! Fuck my stupid baka life, man. I'll try hitting the pen, but I'm trying not to use that since idk if I'm gonna need back surgery. Why does life have to happen all at once like this!! It's too many fuckin' medical problems to deal with all at the same time.

[teaveetamer]

I am curious, I've been watching the discourse going on for a bit without getting involved and at this point I feel like I have to ask.

What is the desired result here? Why are you engaging in the discourse at all? Clearly this is not a discussion, so what do you gain from interacting at all?

(I will send this to several people, just out of curiosity)

Alright anon allow me to explain what's been going on with me on my end.

The year is 2019 (yes, we're doing this). FE3H has just come out. I play it and rather enjoy it actually. I've got a couple of ships that I'm into, some fanfic I want to write, etc.

I go onto Reddit to chat with people about the game. Now I don't really like Edelgard, but I'm chill, I'm open to discussing the game and getting alternate viewpoints. Initially it's more or less fine.

Then some posts start coming up. People start getting really aggressive about this. I'm trying to have a conversation, but it feels like their goal is just to shout me down. I get in arguments, I get in fights, I get misgendered, I get called a bigot, I get frustrated, I get ablest rhetoric spewed at me, and I waste my life.

Stop. Take a look at myself. I'm literally sitting here arguing about Edelgard von fucking Hresvelg for hours of my day. I'm annoyed, I'm irritated, I'm always in a bad mood. Ugh.

Now it's 2020, early times I think. I resolve to stop looking at Reddit so much with regard to this game. It's not worth the hassle and the frustration. I should be, like, out doing things and having fun not wasting my time arguing with a bunch of weirdos on the internet. I want to have fun again, not be angry. I delete the Reddit app from my phone and install a blocker on my web browsers, even.

Start using Tumblr for more than just shippy stuff, and find people who agree with me, who are saying the things I've been saying. I stop feeling crazy for liking the game the way I like it. I make a few posts on my main blog but you know what, I don't really want my main blog embroiled in this shit, though I want to add my voice to the conversation. So I make this side blog.

Make some posts. I get flooded with asks from other people about the game, saying they agree with me and they're thankful that they aren't the only ones who think the way I do. I think within like a month of existing this blog had double the posts of my main blog (which has existed since 2016, so for four years at that point), most of them from asks.

The blog was initially for me to vent and throw in my two cents here and there, but I figure I'll keep it around in regular use because people seem to be benefiting from it.

Early on I tried to establish a rule for myself that 1) I wasn't going to go looking in any main tags (e.g. the Edelgard or Edelgard Positive tags) for stuff to reblog or talk about, and 2) I wasn't going to go into any Edelgard specific spaces looking for stuff to talk about (e.g. r/Edelgard or even Dimitri-critical tags). However, anything maintagged that was looking for a fight (e.g. a Dimitri-critical post in the main Dimitri tag) was fair game.

I'm not perfect, but I did try to stick to that rule. I talked about things that happened on the main FE Sub or FEH sub. I did my best to encourage my anons to not go seeking out stuff to bring back to me from Edelgard spaces. After all, this blog was meant for venting and having my own personal space where I could talk about my views without getting accosted. I thought it would be petty for me to go bring back stuff from other places.

Moving into 2021, I was kind of done with 3H. I was still getting like dozens of asks a day about 3H discourse. I'd answer one and five more would pop up in their place. By now we're like, well beyond 3x or 4x the amount of posts I have on my main blog. I'm getting kind of tired of it. It's a lot of the same points over and over and over. We're in pandemic times, so I can't even walk away from it and do something else IRL for a while before coming back to it. I feel like I'm wasting my life again. I feel like I've said anything and everything I could have possibly said about the subject. I ask people to stop talking to me about Edelgard. Eventually, everyone mostly obliges.

I still chat about it here and there, but I'm chatting about other stuff too. This blog is still about venting just about venting about more than 3H. A lot more petty fandom shit in general.

Now we're in, like, 2022. I don't remember exactly, Pandemic Time makes some of this a bit of a blur. I notice a new kid on the block, doing basically what I'd noticed happening on Reddit. Going into the wrong tags. Picking fights. Posting things in the wrong tags. Picking fights.

I'm over it, I'm done, I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I block the dude. Most people I know block the dude or ignore him. We figure he's new here, he just hasn't learned the etiquette.

He gets increasingly hostile. I'm not really paying that much attention, just getting info about it from the fringes. Again, we figure eventually he'll just go away if we ignore him.

Then Nilsh gets harassed off the platform.

My mutuals are getting increasingly hostile anons and combative reblogs.

At this point I'm relatively unaffected. I guess because I don't tag anything, so he didn't find it.

And you know what? I'm still like "he'll get bored. He'll leave eventually." We were all like "just ignore him, he'll leave eventually."

People try to explain tags to him. Try to help him curate his experience so he quits arguing with people who don't want to talk to him all the time.

Then Moonlitboar gets harassed off of the platform. They take the URL. He's bragging about having done it. He's spreading this vitriol to other platforms and convincing others to join in on the harassment.

And I'm like. Okay. This dude isn't leaving. This is what he wants. His goal isn't to talk about this game—his goal is to hurt us.

I unblock him and respond. We go back and forth. He stops... for a time.

Here's the thing. I didn't re-block him after that, and I didn't do that for a couple of reasons. First, because at this point I'm still hopeful that he's just unaware of what he's doing, and that he'll acknowledge how messed up it was and apologize. I'm all for second chances. The second, because he's dangerous and I'm worried that if I don't keep tabs on him, he's going to try to hurt me.

It's not long until he's doing the same shit again. He tries harassing BWIIDT, he tries harassing FantasyInvader, he tries harassing Ezra, he tries harassing RandomNameless, he tries harassing Emblemxeno, he tries harassing Gascon, he tries harassing people I've literally never even heard of. I keep calling him out, and he tries harassing me. He calls me hysterical, accuses me of acting like a victim. Tries to make me feel stupid and small by saying I don't have anything worth his attention to respond to.

(By the way dude, my point about that was that you were being misogynistic but treating discourse like it was only worth responding to if it came from a man. See, I noticed that you only liked to attack people you thought were cishet white men like yourself, even if we were saying basically the same things at times. The fact that you continue not "debunking" any of my posts doesn't upset me; it proves my point)

He blocks me. I can't say for certain why, but my bet is that he realized people were actually listening to what I had to say, and having a queer woman question the actions he purported to be for the benefit of queer women wasn't a great look for him.

He's still trying to harass me. He's taking screenshots, he's using my name, he's @ ing me. He's casually lying about me. He's using sexist rhetoric implying that I shouldn't be listened to because I'm just too ~in my feelings~ and he's the true victim of my hysterical victimized martyr complex (geez, you sure a a feminist ally for that one, aren't you?)

You know, I did actual research when one of my anons accused him of being a trump supporter and tried to lie about him? I burned an entire evening on that, because I didn't want to be spreading lies about people. Meanwhile he lets his anons casually and repeatedly misgender me without so much as a passing correction, and he hangs out with people who spread lies and slander accusing others of heinous crimes.

And you know what? If I knew it was going to be like this? I'd still waste that evening and correct that anon. It's not about getting a petty win or convincing people he's a bad person for me. It's about being respected.

So to get back to your question. Why am I doing this? Because I have to. Because I know that if I don't he's going to hurt someone else, just like how he hurt Nilsh and Moonlitboar. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, after all. We ignored him and he didn't leave, so now we have to say something.

What's the desired result? I want to be respected, like I've tried to respect them for almost the entirety of this blog's existence. I want my boundaries acknowledged. I want him to stop hurting people for no other reason than to hurt them, because they don't agree with him.

When will I stop? When he stops.

[boatswainscall]

expanding on the tags on that post i reblogged, i think it would genuinely be better for my health if i stopped writing fic entirely

i'm not even obsessed with having high view and kudos for the clout. ive never given a single shit about clout. i just want to know that my writing is being seen and read and that its finding the people who would appreciate it. which has never been the case on ao3, or at least ive never fucking known that beyond a single person telling me so because i never get comments otherwise.

on my goddamn ff.net account my shitty old unfinished aph fics were still getting enthusiastic comments as of 2019, literally almost a full decade since they were posted. i just dont know what i'm doing wrong. it happens across the niche oc-centric shit i write for warframe, for shit like dragon age where the player character is more established and universal, and for ffxiv which is somewhere in between.

am i a bad writer? am i just complete dogshit? or is what i have to say and want to write about within fanfic not worth sharing to begin with. because those are the only answers i can glean from this situation. the low kudos and hit count may sting but its nothing compared to how gutted i feel from the resounding silence in my comments.

either way its genuinely killing my fucking soul. i want to mudsling into the eyes of late capitalist selfish fandom thats focused too muhc on brainlessly consuming over engaging with the creators of the shit theyre reading but i am too tired to. i will concede defeat. the performance paralysis has sunk so deep into me that i cant even write fanfic purely for myself anymore. so i will stop for good. its the only way i can know peace.