#and baby I'm in the ninth circle

[sir-gio22]

BIRTHDAY BOY ~Ben Shelton

Pairing: ben shelton x gn reader

Warnings: kiss(is that even a warning?)

Nine of October. Ben's birthday.

You were in your country for one of his tournaments this week.

He was so excited, he wanted to win even more, to give a present to himself. And the fact that you're here to support him lights up in his heart pure joy and pride.

It's almost midnight, almost his birthday. You made him stay up even if he was exhausted after a long and tiring match to wish him a happy birthday the second the clock will say it's the ninth.

You were waiting impatiently with him in your hotel room, with a little protein cake you bought in the afternoon (he'd eat a traditional cake but he needs to stay healthy😭) and a countdown up on your computer.

*11:57 pm*

Ben groans and lays down

“Babe I'm so tired can't we go to sleep and you'll wish me a happy birthday in the morning?” He whines

“No, love. I want to do it at midnight!” You reply, he smiles and chuckles tiredly to your excitement

“You're impossible” he jokes, he loves that you're so determined sometimes you don't listen to everyone. He likes your stubbornness, sometimes.

“You love it” you tease him, you know that if he really wanted to go to sleep he would have. But he wanted you to give him a birthday kiss at midnight too, so he pretended to be too exhausted just to see you annoyed and determined.

*11:58 pm*

He puts a hand on your shoulder and pushes you in a played position on the comfy bed, he lays on his elbow and tries to kiss you

“No, not yet” you scold him and pinch his cheek

“What? Whyyyyy? Then when? Cmon give me a kiss, beautiful” he pleas

“At midnight, handsome” you pop his nose with the tip of your index finger, smiling as he pouts

*11:59 pm*

“Just one more minute and you can kiss me how much you want” you tell him

“Oh yeah? How much I want?” He smirks and teases you, it'll be a long night.

“Yes but since you're so exhausted I expected just a few” you play along

“Oh baby, seems like I'm not that exhausted after all..” He smiles like a child. That stupid smile you fell in love with.

You get up and start to record him with the cake on his lap

*00:00*

He smiles and blow the candles, looking at you, even if he should look in the camera.

“Happy birthday, baby” you say and stop the video. He immediately puts the cake on the nightstand and pulls you by your waist on his lap.

“Thank you, babe, now…where's my kiss?” He smiles and pulls you into a sweet kiss

He cups your chin and deepens the kiss, his tongue licking your lower lip to get access and dance with yours. His other arm is hugging your waist and tracing your side in soft circles.

When he pulls away to breath you can speak “my birthday boy…” you whisper, your foreheads are touching and you're making eye contact, you pull him into another kiss.

I don't need to specify that it will be indeed a long night.

A/N: this Is so short i apologize😭😭 tell me if y'all want a longer version

ALSO I'm so sorry it's taking me so London to write p2 of train with me but I don't have motivation and I forget

[dr-spectre]

Guys, you ever see a video game that's become popular and has a big fanbase, yet you have little to no interest in playing it. And you become annoyed by seeing it and groan and get a little ticked off? I've had some games in the past that I felt this way with, such as Baldur's Gate 3. A game I have no interest in playing yet people suck that game off like it's the second coming of christ.

But there's one game that came out recently that gave me that feeling again. And you guys are probably gonna hate me for this.

SPOLIERS AND SA MENTIONS AHEAD!!!

Listen, i get why people like the game. I truly get it. The exploration of its themes and all that stuff. But to be honest with you, I genuinely don't wanna play as a person who committed sexual assault on someone and for that person to constantly make disgusting comments towards the person they raped. And then for everyone to just die in the end. Like, I am not mentally well enough to consume something so brutally dark like that.

I am kinda sick of seeing this game everywhere and now seeing CoryxKenshin upload a video about it.... ugh...

I am very sensitive to SA topics in video games and in media in general. If you tell me that a game or show or movie of comic has that, I'm probably not gonna watch it honestly. I thankfully haven't suffered from any sort of sexual abuse but it genuinely makes me TOO uncomfortable and mad. I dont wanna spend 2 hours of my life playing something like Mouthwashing. I get WHY it's dark, i get its themes of how you need to take responsibility for your actions, but i just can't play the fucking game or watch someone play it man.

And if you start saying that im some baby who only plays Nintendo games or some shit, you are SOOOOOOOOOOO wrong. I've played mature games since I was a kid dude. Some of my favourite games are R/MA-15+ rated. Don't fucking say that i just need to "expand my palette" or some shit, I will send you to the ninth circle of hell.

Anyways, what games make you feel a little ticked off seeing everywhere?

[melit0n]

In no particular order, (or in order, if you can rank them) what are your top 5 Ethel Cain songs? 🎤

Oh Tonee, this is like opening up one of five music based Pandora boxes for me 😭 please forgive the rambling.

Family Tree from Preacher's Daughter

This song drives me MAD. I could talk about her vocals in every song, but her voice in this makes me buzz. The bass throughout is ominous and incredible: same can be said for the SFX. I'm a sucker for when artists add in extra things like that. The flies put me on edge (which links it to Ptolemaea and eventually Sun Bleached Flies) and the bell ringing out during the first chorus makes me feel like I'm attending a funeral. Literally 'for whom the bell tolls', which kind of foreshadows her death later on in the album.

I genuinely think the lyrics are the closets I've come to a religious experience. "They say 'Heaven hath no fury like a woman's scorn', and baby Hell don't scare me, I've been times before." Insane. Ate and left not a single crumb. Her dead tone on "I've killed before and I'll kill again", being a callback to Two-Headed Mother's "I've loved before, I'll kill again" is just. Ugh. I can't even describe it.

+ Special mention to Family Tree (intro). I haven't, and will probably never, get over "Jesus can always reject his father, but he cannot escape his mother's blood."

Televangelism from Preacher's Daughter

There's very few songs, to me, that encapsulate a painful yet quiet death well, and this is certainly one of them. It's a solemnly comforting tune. Considering lore wise, it's meant to represent Ethel's soul coming out of the basement after she's been killed, it makes sense.

The first half genuinely sounds like something the pianist in my Catholic School used to play before prayer started. The fact that it was entirely improvised is absolutely insane, too.

Plus, the incredibly smooth switch from August Underground to this is brilliant.

Ptolemaea from Preacher's Daughter

Literally every part of this song is amazing (pretty much all of Preacher's Daughter is a work of art to be honest). It's definitely one of the few songs that genuinely unnerves me; still has the same creeping, fearful effect after the hundreds of time that I've listened to it.

First, off: The title is a reference to the ninth and final layer of Dante's Inferno: betrayal. Ptolemy commits treachery (a betrayal of trust), which lands him in the ninth circle, hence its name. This is what Isaiah does to Ethel. It's a somewhat niche reference that I love.

Secondly, Death's monologue (some people also interpret this voice as Isaiah, the man who kills and cannablises Ethel by the end of PD, but I'm just generalising it as The Grim Reaper) is so, so eerie. The repetition switching between "Heard you, saw you, felt you, gave you" to "Need you, love you, love you, love you" with Ethel screaming and asking for him to stop in the background always gives me chills.

Thirdly, all the lyrics go hard in this one. "Calling me the one, I'm the white light: beautiful, finite", "Even the iron still fears the rot" and "I am the face of love's rage" are some of my favourites.

Honestly? The entire song puts me on edge. Listening to it, I feel like I'm millimetres away from the sharp point of a knife. The build up to her screaming "stop" is full of panic, but cathartic.

Two-Headed Mother from Inbred

The distorted guitar at the start mixed with her vocals itches my brain so well. Her tone and dictation in this is really 'soft' too, and more spoken than sang, which I adore. It sounds less like a song and more like being hummed an eerie tune as you drift in and out of sleep.

Overall, despite the topic (of both the song and album in general: it's called Inbred for a reason) the beat is an absolute groove. Never in my life would I have expected a song about trauma passed on from a mother so a daughter to have such a blend to it.

On the note of the topic, just, hello?? It mixes a mother's hatred and love and passes it down to a child who sees it in every man she sees. Let alone paints her lover in a horrible image in order to remove guilt from how badly she's treating him. Just how her dead mother still has dictation over her, she exerts the same amount of control on her lover. She knows very well that her two headed mother brought her here and can send her right back.

Head in the Wall from Golden Age

This one just encapsulates so, so much religious based anger and debilitating depression. Every single lyric oozes with pain and I always have to like, sit down when this comes on.

Growing up a Catholic kid, in a not so nice religious environment, yeah. Just yeah. Misogyny was rife and "It's always my fault: girls will be bitches, and boys will be boys" resonates with me a lot. I could say a prayer wrong and be told to sit outside in Winter to do my work for the rest of the day, and a boy could chase me around the playground, pull my hair and try to punch me and it's still be my fault because boys will be boys.

The whole song just illustrates a very depressive mindset, being more angry towards yourself, and then moving on to environmental factors to try and shift blame in an attempt to stop feeling shitty. For those reasons, I don't listen to Golden Age or Carpet Bed all too much because they sucker punch me right in the chest a little bit too painfully, but HITW is still a favourite.

[amatalefay]

Flowers, I remember fields / It ain't the being alone Of flowers, soft beneath my heels / It ain't the empty home, baby Walking in the sun / You know I'm good on my ownI remember someone / Sha la la, baby, you know Someone by my side / It's more the being unknown Turned his face to mine / And there are some people, loveAnd then I turned away into the shade / Who are better unknown

For the penultimate day of @eurydice-week: And Then I Turned Away (focus on Act II). Flowers is such a brilliant, gorgeous, heartbreaking song. And hey, what better song to pair it with than a lament about lost love in the Ninth Circle of Hell?

I'm seriously considering doing a Hoziertown fan album now when Unreal Unearth comes out (on my birthday, incidentally!).

(more audio edits | Chips/Eat Your Young | Road to Hell Reprise/All Things End)

[future-dregs]

Ep. 1 & 2 Bullet Points

I was gonna post my thoughts about the episodes in real time, but then I got caught up in it and didn't do that. So now, I'm summarizing.

------

Sam had houseplants in his windowsill.

Can't decide if Dean was pacing around and making noise to test Sam/give him a heads up and see how he'd react, or if that was just him being a kinda inexperienced kid.

I like that Sam was fighting with his whole body. Like, he brought his feet and legs into it. Comes across more genuine that just punching. (Also his little end of spar pat on Dean's arm? Mwah. Falling back into the rhythms already.)

Sam kept his hand scythe. In the house. Didnt leave it as far behind you claimed baby. Because as Dean said, you know what's out there.

That's two "Sammy"s, an arm across the back of the diner booth and an in unison talking moment in close succession. Dean's playing for keeps.

John fucking Winchester. Freaked out by a vengeful womans spirit for real, or ninth level cat and mousing your kids?

Dean getting thrown and pressed over the hood of the car and his "squeal like a pig" comment are stacking up in my brain. Debating about if I wanna make a sexual abuse post or not.

Also, people have been saying from the day the show aired, but that is the second time Dean carried him out.

I dont want to talk much about Mary right now, theres some episodes in later seasons with her that I havent seen, so I dont feel I have enough contact to say something accurate. But I will say this- she knew better, and she should've done better, cause it ALL comes back to her and what she did and didnt do. She doomed her family, and everyone who touched them.

I think Dean was circling around to try again. In hindsight we know he was hanging out for hours before coming in (and oh how bitter bitter it is to see him young and "careless" like that, and have to amend it knowing how very very frightened he actually was) so I think it stands to reason that Dean would skulk around a little longer afterward as well.

Episode 2!

First off, really like that Sam's dream, though still with that beautiful early season low saturation, has more color, and brighter colors (pink in the bouquet, red candles, ect) than the real world does.

Also very funny to see Dean being the one who wants to open up and talk about feelings, and dealing with loss in a healthy way.

Also Dean offering the car to Sam for comfort because that's how Dean feels in control and comforted is killing me.

"Lookit this friggin bear!" My love my love I'm kissing you on the face.

Y'know you never see those shell necklaces anymore? But they kinda rocked.

Also I'm not gonna get pedantic about them getting the mythos wrong (don't get used to it, I LOVE being pedantic, esp with things I actually know about), so I'm not gonna mention it again, but oh! they got the mythos wrong.

Now. I've mentioned this briefly before, but its intriguing to me that in an episode about a corrupting hunger, we see Sam start down the path of vengeance AND get horny over his brother. He's growing enamored with Dean again, and he's watching him when he interacts with other people, looking for threats. Both physical, and not.

(I have a whole separate post in the works about Sam standing bodily between the victims and the threat, but suffice to say, babydoll I love you and you chosen efforts towards goodness from the bottom of my heart.)

Back to above point. Girl of the week kisses Dean's cheek, Sam comes over, sits on that side of him, and stares at that spot on Dean's cheek until he gives him the keys.

Fly by night away from here/change my life again/fly by night goodbye my dear - they knew how to use their music for effect. Also my introduction to Rush, years ago. Thanks guys.

So I think that about covers the thoughts I thunk while watching. Next time I'll try to at least make active notes if I'm not live blogging through it.

[dianxiacantastemolecules]

Look at Me

Darling, to be perceived

Ain't that the biggest price you pay

For being able to see?

To taste the light that leaves from your skin

Oh! what a sin. Oh, what a sin!

I know how my face, what an awful visage

To behold, withhold,

In my eyes, a tragedy foretold

Worth putting on a blindfold

But the first time that you saw me

unknown, alone and underground

Some part of me began to break, escape

In search of the same melody

A melancholy of solace

…..

And when your soul melds into mine

Your giggles at the funeral, my knack for refusal

Too sweet, at times too much brine

In my laughter, see your humour shine

Won't you look at me baby?

Won't you look at me baby?

Won't you look at me baby?

Would you look at you, baby?

…..

Oh, to be loved, is to be seen

Yet, lover, I'd be

blind and beloved, to your Medusa

I'd become the screen, embracin’

The shadows you love to dwell in

I'd write this song

into the inside of your eyelids

Never to be seen again, Never to be heard

Never to exist outside, for anyone third

And I'd whisper into your ears, horny Hozier lines

Run away with you, from the Dinner and Diatribes

To roam around the woods we could end up dead inside

Watching Eros arise, all inhibition untied

……

If you find out one day, that I was the Mastermind

Thread of the fates that I intertwined

This perfect love story that I designed

Would you go back to change it all

Would you look at me babe?

Would you look at me baby

Would you look at me baby?

Would you look at me again?

…….

Oh but to love someone who bleeds in blue

I'm so sorry to have made one out of you

It's a curse, my love, an abomination

A calamity in the name of creation

Born of rage, forged by tears

Of solitude desire and despair

It's a wicked thing, Honey,

Don't heed its call

Don't feed it, it will devour

honey, it will devour

Best untamed, Better unnamed

Crawling up my spine, this art I call mine

It knows the worst of all my days

Only the worst of all my ways

Only the worst

Of all my ways

…..

And when the debt that is love has reached its filling

Every dead version of me, tired of its killing

When the kindness in me has reached its billing

Would you still look at me, babe?

Won't you look at me, baby?

Won't you look at me, baby?

Won't you look at me, baby?

Why'd you look at me, baby?

……

When all is said and done,

Our undead youth, alive and returned

No plan left for us, but to ravish this skin

As close to ashes as it can come

When my ink has dried from years of treachery

No words left in me, no worship, no faith, no fury

Your secrets in my heart, are all that I now contain

Love in my skin, from your kisses that remain

When I am but an echo of what I used to be

all around us now, only ghosts of me

Remind me again, of our love story

Lover, could you be good to me?

Lover, be good to me.

At the edge of the storm, the ninth circle of hell

What little left of me, for which you really fell

What are we anymore, you could never tell

Would you still look at me, babe?

Won't you look at me, baby?

Won't you look at me, baby?

Won't you look at me, baby?

I hope you would.

[ghost-kitty-cat]

Bug Headcanons! (I'm showing love to a few more listeners before we circle back around to actual characters)

First Headcanon, Don't know why but I like to imagine Bug was at one point a cheerleader (and they still have some trophies from back in the day though they originally didn't have them out, When Bug moved in with Gage, he encouraged them to put their trophies on display…)

Second Headcanon, (this one is more about my mental image of Bug but...) I totally imagine Bug really likes wearing sweaters and sweater dresses... (I like to imagine that Bug likes the feeling of the sleeves covering their hands... speaking of which…)

Third Headcanon, (so I typically give listener characters a way of fidgeting/stimming because of I usually fidget/stim a lot.. soo...) I totally imagine Bug does that sort of fidget where they trace the lines on someone's hand (usually Gage's hand...) it tends to distract them for a while.. it also helps to calm them down... (if they don't do that to calm themselves down, they will nervously bounce their leg... which people tend to take as a sign that Bug is impatient but in reality, they're just nervous... and sometimes they don't even realize that they're bouncing their leg...)

Fourth Headcanon, (sorta also a Gage Headcanon.. but...) I totally imagine when Bug is either nervous or sad and Gage notices, he will just quietly placed his hand on top of theirs... (I imagine Bug does the same thing when Gage is either nervous or sad... it's a small gesture that means a lot to them both)

Fifth Headcanon, (sorta a Headcanon for the other listeners as well... but...) I totally imagine Bug and Darling do nights out sorta frequently and occasionally they invite Sweets and Newbie/Love to join... (Since Darling used to drop off Gage's lunch, I imagine they know Newbie/Love a bit and Newbie/Love knows Sweets a bit because of Law and Desmond...)

Sixth Headcanon, Bug's family definitely was the type of family who had a lot of dogs when Bug was growing up (big, small and even medium sized dogs...) but despite that I think Bug is more of a person who likes Birds and Ferrets... (specifically white birds like doves or Snowy owls...)

Seventh Headcanon, Bug definitely had older brothers (i like to imagine they had two older brothers, one went off and became a designer while the other has a little family of his own... so far he has one daughter and he has one baby boy on the way... I like to imagine Bug's niece is around Nat's age... though because of this, Bug doesn't see their brothers as much as they wish they could... speaking of which...)

Eighth Headcanon, (slightly also a Darling Headcanon... but...) I like to imagine that Bug sees Darling somewhat as a older sibling and Darling sees Bug somewhat as a younger sibling...

Ninth Headcanon, (this is slightly inspired by the art usually featured in Gage's videos.. but...) I totally imagine Bug likes string/fairy lights (especially the string/fairy lights that look like different things (for example, skulls, snowflakes and etc..)

Tenth Headcanon, (I just thought this one was really cute.. but..) I totally imagine Bug has a old rag doll still from back when they were little (its the type of rag doll that's completely made from fabric, somehow it has survived this long.. sure its slightly dirty but it ain't ripped anywhere..)

Small bonus Bug Headcanon, (because this one was also quite cute) because of Gage, I totally imagine when Bug gives someone a gift nowadays, its usually made by Bug themselves..

[tugoslovenka]

Please help me understand the difference between devils and demons in DnD. Is Raphael THE devil? He seems to be potraying himself as much but then I heard about the archdemon that's his dad? I'm so confused.

buckle up buttercup, i’m gonna try to explain this as concisely as i can!

firstly, raphael is not “the” devil. he’s a loser that likes to present himself to be more important than he is, but in essence he’s just another nepo baby in the hoard of archdevil spawn that like to spend their time stealing souls and one-upping each other. i find raphael to be a rather weak representation of dnd devils simply bc he’s just so obvious (also stooping as low as tricking a child is just… embarrassing). according to the game, raphael is just cambion which are offspring of devils and a humanoid creature that’s part-fiend. his dad is mephistopheles, the ruler of cania, which is the eighth circle of hell (there are nine, and the primary BBEG in the nine hells is asmodeus, who sits in the ninth. he is kind of who "the devil" is even tho there's no real such comparison in the lore)

now let’s go terminology wise.

fiend = any evil creature from the fiendish planes. they are literally born out of evil. dnd works in binaries when it comes to the alignment systems (think evil, neutral, good) so this is prime villainy. both demons and devils are types of fiends.

demons = chaotic. literal chaos incarnate. they are the cats that like to drag around a random object on your desk until it falls off. will untie your shoes before you walk down the stairs. think the joker. just out there, making as much mess in the world as possible. it’s all about destroying everything until it can get recycled and begin anew. they maximize horror and will piss in your cereal for fun.

devils = structured. they will promise to give you class notes in return for your lunch money for the next 3 years. will convince you to get back with your shitty ex just so they can profit off of the ice cream brand they own that you love eating when crying over said ex. everything is planned out, but everything must be set down in such a way that it’s clear, but not obvious. that’s why devilish deals are so lucrative, they usually know how to get you. they don’t work towards killing, rather exploiting until you sell yourself to them in the end.

i hope that answers your question!

[diatr1bes]

𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻.        some    upcoming    musician's    after    party. 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵.        anyone,    it's    an    open    starter    baby    !

◜   ♱   :    realisation    hits    between    furrowed    eyebrows,    the    ninth    circle    has    been    found.    caught    underneath    dim    lights    and    faint    ascetic    bite    of    shared    cigarettes    and    sweeter    vapes.    reputation    had    got    them    in    with    misanthropic    expectations    of    an    afterparty    that    would    be    somewhat    entertaining,    (    judgement    met    by    the    backdoor.    a    supercilious    grin    with    a    threatening    glean:    remind    the    singer,    i'm    the    one    who    owns    them.    )    eyes    trail    over    the    sea    of    faceless    attendees,    "    that    sounds    fuckin'    awful    . . .    "    voice    hums    with    taciturn,    familial    disapproval    shadowing    over    navy    hues.    disappointment    is    met    by    the    bottom    of    the    glass,    upturn    of    a    half    shaped    knavish    smile,    "    the    music,    fuck    me,    i    swear    my    ears    are    on    the    verge    of    bleedin'    listening    to    this.    sorry,    what    were    you    sayin'    ?    "

[wtfuckevenknows]

Rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the types of music they listen to. Put your playlist on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, and then tag 10 people. No skipping!

Thanks for tagging me @thebumblecee, I love this 😘😘😘

By the ninth one I was praying for a country song because otherwise this would not track, and I got it!!!

No pressure tagging: @paperstorm @rmd-writes @welcometololaland @goodways @beautifulhigh @bubblesandroses8 @teeveeyou @loveconquersall @noxsoulmate @three-drink-amy 😘

[biggiesmallsblackchevytahoe]

"Alright, boy; count the marks."

Madam turned her back for a moment that i knew wouldn't last long enough. She was either going for the wand, or the paddle, or more lube, and She'd have whatever-She-wanted in Her soft, chubby hands long before i could manage to count the welts Her last round of punishment had made. The awareness of my weakness made my breath come short, and not in a good way. but i didn't want to safeword my way out.

shit shit shit shit shit- okay. okay. hold on. i can- i can. okay. one, upper left thigh. two, mid left thigh. three-

"Boy?"

Madam had turned around Goddess-knows-how-long-ago, and was leveling a mildly displeased gaze at me, with Her glorious bare arms crossed over Her ample chest.

"How many marks, boy?"

In that moment, all my math classes came flooding back. Third grade, when i was reprimanded in front of the class because i couldn't tell time. Fifth grade, when I had to admit that i still hadn't memorized the multiplication tables. Ninth grade, when i'd sobbed in front of my algebra teacher because despite over an hour of personal tutoring, i could not understand a single concept she'd covered during the session. College- ah college- where i unabashedly sobbed again in front of my English professor, admitting that if anyone discovered that i couldn't add, i'd be sent back home, stripped of my linguistics scholarship.

and here i was, ten years later, about to cry about numbers. again. my eyes stung. my throat closed as surely as if a bee had just unleashed its final revenge. my lungs screamed as though i were underwater- there was not enough air in them, in the room, in the state, in the goddamned universe.

"Baby, hey! Hey, sweetie! I'm gonna call this one. Ice, okay? Ice. Ice. It's ice time."

i heard Her without hearing Her at first, and tried to answer appropriately. consonants sparked at my lips, but no vowels could find enough breath to push their way out of me.

"Oh, love; c'mere, dumpling. Here I am. Here I am. Let's notice things together, shall we? Let me get these- there we go. Bindings off, because it's ice time. We're gonna notice... let's see... how about something you can feel? What do you feel with your skin, sweetie?"

A third of my brain tried to comply. This isn't Madam now; it's ice time. Now she's Yesenia, and we're sitting, and I need to feel things with my skin. What... skin... what...? Her skin. I can feel her thighs under my shoulder. Her left hand on my midback. She's left handed, and so am I. Yes. That's right.

"You," I just barely croaked.

"Oh, good job. Excellent job, dumpling," Yesenia encouraged. Her hand traced the slowest, most delicate circle in the center of my lower back. Pottery. She works with clay all day. "How about something you can hear? Other than me, of course. I'll hush, so you can hear better."

My hearing is excellent, which sometimes sucks. I can hear the clock on the wall in the kitchen, two rooms away. I can hear the clicks of the pest deterrents. I can hear the hum of the electricity through the flourescent lights. I can hear the creak of the bed springs underneath Yesenia's plush brown ass. I can hear the puggle- who called that breed such a horrible name?- snoring in the tv room.

"Bed springs," I decide. I don't want to leave the room right now. I want my whole life to be in this bedroom right now.

"I love that; you're doing so well," Yesenia coos, bending herself near to me so that she can whisper. "Something you can see, that you like. But that isn't me."

This question is almost a joke, and I can appreciate it. This room is filled with her; that's why I don't want to leave. Her tools, her harness, her bras, her whip, her figurines, her jeans, her candles; little pieces of her shining out from everywhere, like shards of glass catching the radiance of the sun.

"Quilt," I finally respond. The quilt in question was made by her grandmother. It's usually on the bed, but right now, it's folded neatly and slung over a chair that's been pushed all the way across the room, to protect it from... well... us. It's a treasured gift, and we can get pretty messy.

"How about something you can smell?" Yesenia uses her right hand to pull some of her locs out of her face.

I smile immediately. I'm on my way back- almost entirely back, thanks to her. I had no idea she was listening this closely to my descriptions of my therapy sessions.

"Your lotion. Strawberry vanilla. Sweet."

She ventures a feather light kiss on my left temple. She's probably left a lipstick stain anyway, and I don't mind.

"Last thing. Something you can taste, if you can and want to."

I shove my tongue around my mouth for a few moments, thinking about the last thing I tasted- that wasn't her.

"Apple," I answer confidently, remembering the desert we had before the move we'd been watching gave us both a serious case of the hots.

"So good, so good, so very good," Yesenia smiled gently and leans back so that part of her weight is on her outstretched right arm. "Espectacular. Now, there's water over here by me, and some lozenges on the nightstand by you whenever you're ready for those; they're orange lemon. If you want to talk about it, okay. If not, that's okay too. The water, however, is non-negotiable. As soon as you sit up, we're sipping some water, okay?"

"Okay," I agree easily. "Just not yet. Want to rest a little."

[darkobssessions]

June 15th, 2024

I have so much to say and yet absolutely nothing comes out

A psychosomatic journey

A therapy, a diagnosis

Where the truths be told

The lies be held

A state of hyperawareness. Afraid of my own shadow, ashamed of my own adage

I am reliving moments long gone

And living like I'm being recorded

This is endless, timeless. And fleeting.

At the same time.

I am all and nothing

I am all, and yet I can't even be me

The paradox consumes me

The perfectionism eats at me

These words cannot convey and so I go silent

What more is there to say?

Grief on grief on grief

On regret

I'm getting sick of this shit pie

Meal after meal, like a punishment

I'm getting sick of this sluggish sense ma

I'd like a redo

Only there isn't one unless you want to do it as a helpless baby molded by forces out of your control

There's only this life

This now

And the moments tick away, I watch, still, behind the glass

The hairs turning. The people passing

The tides turning

I watch. And wait

For what, I am still asking 15 years on

It is is a joke

A cosmic joke

It has got to be

There's got to be more to life than this!

I know there is because I TASTED IT

I have felt it

I know it intimately

It's just not here now.

It's a husband that died leaving me with a closet full of clothes

It's a moth ridden suit.

It's the shape in a bed, but nothing to prove I lived

I'm going stir crazy

But it's all inside my head

Stirring up a storm

Silent and deadly

Silent, and invisible

You don't get me

I don't get me.

Stuck on repeat, like the ninth circle of hell

Some agreement to face the same version of mediocrity

Want to break free but unable to get past one's own folly

Is there a disease of being too aware?

You watch yourself so carefully, you see every flaw in the rehearsal

For a play that never comes

I am bone weary

It was once a madness

It's burned me out now.

I drag my feet

I ache throughout wishing I achieved

I take more than I give

I content myself with the tastless shapeless norm

I am dying on the inside

As we all are

In this fleeting mystical space

Stuck in a fabricated forever

A twilight zone

Of cards home and holidays and eternal memories captured with the press of a finger

All of it for naught

All of it nothing

In the face of our vulnerability,

Impermance,

Inability to act with reverence

Stretched out on the loom of time, trying to weave faster than the speed of light

Futile efforts but not harmless

A towering staircase made of corpses

A tower of babel so high it reaches the heavens in uniform patterns satellites robing

Gridding our nature in distorting clothing

I came to this life to disarm it.

[torialefay]

If you have time and energy could you give a compatibility reading but you choose who you think I match better with? But if you’re no longer doing the asks I’m sorry I took up your time and ignore it. My pronouns are her/she.

Gemini Rising

Pisces sun and moon in eleventh house

Aquarius Venus in tenth house, Aquarius Mars in ninth house, Midheaven

Aries Mercury in eleventh house

Virgo Jupiter in 4th house

hi baby! never apologize for that, you are completely fine! so sorry i'm so far behind on these, but i hope you'll still be happy with it <3

i'm gonna go with your best match being hyunjin (i feel like this is obvious but maybe not lol)... i think most people would say this anyways. your likely next best matches would be seungmin and felix though! i honestly had a hard time choosing, but i'm gonna go with hyunjin :)

your ascendant in gemini:

this placement always tells me that you can get along well with others. you probably highlyyyy value intelligence and being able to hold a conversation. you like indoviduals who have unique thoughts and can stimulate you mentally. you may even be elusive on first meeting you. we don't know hyunjin's rising, but i think hyunjin is drawn to people who are "thinkers", which you'd likely come across as.

pisces sun and moon in the 11th:

hiiii fellow pisces sun <3 i love when suns and moons match up because it shows that you likely express yourself in a way that is very much true to who you are. you probably highly value individuality, emotional expression, and peace. this definitely comes across in your personality. pisces is also on the axis of service, more to the SELF than explicitly to others... so you likely think that channeling your energy into becoming your best self and showing that side to others is ultimately what can help you influence others for good. i'm thinking good areas for you would be in things such as psychology, counseling, art, music, literature, religion/spirituality, etc. anything that gives an outlet for beauty or emotion. especially since this is in your 11th house, which allows you to connect to the people around you.

your 11th house placement is extremelyyyyy important for being compatible with hyunjin. that 11th house energy is all about who you associate with and connections you make with other people. it's likely you and hyunjin would automatically be drawn together as kindred spirits, expressing yourselves in similar ways. furthermore, your pisces moon will be able to fully connect with hyunjin's pisces sun... meaning he will really believe that you UNDERSTAND him and see him for who he is.

one more point i'd like to make is hyunjin's moon in virgo. virgo is on the opposite axis as pisces. remember what i said about pisces needing to help others by servicing the SELF first so that they can go on to service others??? virgo is the opposite. virgo must service OTHERS in order to service themselves. virgos tend to really understand how to initiate helping others, which is a great vantage point for you to work off of in this relationship.

aries mercury in the 11th:

you are actually probably a very good communicator. this plays to your advantage in your social circles and in the fulfillment of your dreams. (i'm also a pisces sun and aries mercury, so i can relate). it gives you the advantage of being able to communicate the truth in a way that is non-offensive, and can even come off as sweet tbh. now, hyunjin's mercury is in pisces, meaning that he can have the tendency to be wayyyy less direct and less confrontational, which is not a good thing, especially in relationships. just as pisces continues into aries, it's likely that he would naturally like to progress to obtaining more aries-like qualities in this field (aka you hehe)

aquarius venus in the 10th:

you likely think about things in an eccentric way when it comes to matters of love, romance, and intimacy. you may even have trouble expressing romantic feelings or even feel awkward in initiating things like flirting or sex. this isn't as much of a problem with hyunjin. as i related to before, hyunjin's venus in pisces is a natural progression of your aquarius venus. so for you to become more well-rounded in this part of your life, you will need to adopt more sensitive, less guarded, and overall more open and fluid ideals when it comes to love. i think hyunjin would bring this part out of you. i see it playing out as you coming into the relationship maybe feeling a bit awkward or unexperienced, but hyunjin teaching you how to embrace and express your sensual side.

aquarius mars in the 9th:

this is a cool placement! you likely really like to travel and learn about different cultures/religions/types of people in general. you're likely really curious about why people do the things they do. you're pretty free spirited in this way. hyunjin and you would love to travel together and have a lot of fun, new experiences. in fights though, hyunjin would definitely have the upper hand. i see fights happening between you two happening fairly often in the beginning, just because you do not know how to handle the other at the start. i dont think it's anything to worry about though bc as you calm down and go back to normal, things will be just peachy

[feisty-yordle]

Hacker

(Hey, no ins and outs You come out, your shit is gone, bitch)

Goin' back to Tangier with some Jordans and a spear Post-Christian shit, post-chicken-or-the-egg-addiction shit Pass the sherm stick, Neo-reality Be the freak you wanna see, just don't follow me I'm on a journey to the center of three Grab your fucking chain and drag you through the bike lane While everybody's like (Nooooo!) I got this pregnant snake; stay surrounded by long hairs A plethora of maniacs and spiral stairs Make your water break in the Apple Store Sink or swim, who fucking cares, cut the birth cords Press send, yeah, thick Gaga can't handle this shit, headed for the Sammy Davis wing Throw up a black hole at the entrance of Linens-n-Things On the way, never call it a day Visit Tesla's grave for the ninth time today Still on the way, bigger wigs

When you come out, your shit is gone

I'm in your area I know the first three numbers

You'll catch a jpeg to the head, über reach You're an intern, I'm Wikileaks Most loved, therefore most hated Come and knock on the door, we've been waiting for you Game changer, reclusive-aggressive Ying-ing and yang-ing, 'noided Info warrior, Jack the Hacker The rolling stoner, profit on disaster My existence is a momentary lapse of reason Got the DNA of gothic lemons Shred it thirteen times out of eleven Your bad ideas are the ATM, shed my skin Leave it for the homeless to sleep in Prodigal, fuck that, nautical Teachin' bitches how to swim

Now backstroke, through your k-hole Don't run, you might slip The table's flipped, now we got all the coconuts, bitch

Burmese babies under each arm Screaming beautiful songs The cray-cray ultra-contrarian Havin' conversations with your car alarm When you come out, your shit is gone Soon your crew will be serving sandwiches named after me Vietnamese style, fool, please Front row at the mass games, untraceable by name You speak of us in certain circles, you will be dethroned or detained

Gone Your shit is gone When you come out, your shit is gone

—"Hacker", Death Grips

[giannaxmadden]

If being a mother was hard, then being a mother to a grown fucking adult who indulged in clearly questionable substances, was the ninth circle of parenting hell. Gia had no idea what to do about this whole situation. Billie was high, or drunk, or both, and this was neither the time nor the place to be seen in such a manner. Frankly, the whole situation was rather embarrassing. And had the person in question been anyone else, she would have had her guards on it. Nuisances were a part of her life, but usually they were a part easily handled. Now it was on her, and this was her daughter, and she had to actively remind herself she promised to be better, and do better.

"Nothing to be sorry for, baby. I was hoping for someone to rescue me from his foul breath anyway. You did good." well, that much was actually true. It seemed there was no company tonight, she'd be happy to keep. Just another fucking day. "The mayor I --" she giggles gently now, feeling like maybe being a girlfriend in their current situation would bode better for the both of them. "I slapped him. I also told him not to fuck with me but like, in a much cooler badass sort of way. Can you believe he did that? How stupid can someone --God..." boy did she feel better just now, having said all that. And she'll find Billies eyes, and she'll fully fucking agree with her drunk...high...messed up daughter. "And no, I don't feel fucking sorry either. Not one fucking bit."

She laughs at Billie's suggestion. The mere idea of letting loose, letting her hair down, enjoying her night -- that was one of the few luxuries she could not afford. At least not here, not anywhere. Except maybe a yacht, somewhere across the world. That was a pretty thought. "I'm having plenty of fun." she smiles again, pulling her closer still as if to make sure she doesn't trip and fall. Worried, she had been worried sick for her. "O-okay, okay we're not leaving. Let's find Briggs, yeah? How's that?"

The world felt brighter, almost as if she could reach out her hand and tear the colors right out of it and Gianna -- well she was glowing. A shiny beacon calling to Billlie, every instinct urging her closer as if she was freezing to death and Gianna was the only real warmth left in the world. But she should have known by now that if you get too close to the flames, you’ll get burnt. 

“I mean I didn’t get it, he did” she mused nonchalantly, gesturing to the disgruntled carnival goer that was now without a drink. “Cool company, by the way. Sorry if I was interrupting” before a giggle left her lips and she shook her head, “actually, no – i’m not” and then her brow furrowed as if her brain was rewiring, “I’m not sorry. God, i’m so tired of being sorry all the time. Do you ever get that?” Taking another sip from her drink she shrugged her shoulders “the mayor" and a little whistle left her lips as she continued melodically "wooow he's gonna be sorry, though.”

 A grin spread from ear to ear as Gianna received the compliment, before an arm was enclosed around her shoulders and Billie glanced up expressively towards her, “isn’t that all the more reason to stay.” Throwing a pout into the mix she protested, “have a drink, let your hair down senator. Have some fun. You don’t look like you have fun.” As the invitation was offered for Billie to join her, her grin began to falter and she glanced around the carnival before offering a defiant shake of her head. “So, i’ve thought about it and I don’t wanna do that.” The straw was slipping and sliding around in Billie’s drink and she was mouthing at it as she tried to catch it with her lips, not noticing the discrete text that had been sent. “So, thanks, but no thanks. I haven’t even seen the unicorn yet.”

[marxsposting]

I think maybe if you see enough different kinds of wojack then God won't let you into heaven anymore, no matter what