#and b) regardless of that she's a full adult woman that you have been dating since being a teen theoretically

[helpimstuckinafandom]

"Involved in a romance that I shouldn't be" DEFINE SHOULDN'T BE DELI

[ceescedasticity]

outline: jin guangyao’s hoarding problem, part 1

I am STILL NOT WRITING THIS.

Cast:

Jin Guangyao, schemer extraordinaire. He’s got a lot on his plate right now, scheming for the Jin Sect’s advancement, scheming for his personal advancement within the Jin Sect, trying to get Qin Cangye to let him marry his daughter, trying to juggle his sworn brothers, wrangling weird 13-year-old Mo Xuanyu who his father dropped on him as some sort of power play, wrangling Xue Yang insofar as it is possible to do so, promoting research into demonic cultivation, and on and on and on. Jin Guangyao, as no one will ever let him forget, was not born rich; he understands that you can’t just go throwing things out when you might want them again later; and in this universe he’s let that reluctance to discard outweigh his caution.

Wen Ning, conscious fierce corpse. Keeping Wen Ning was always the plan, even when plans to control him didn’t quite work out. Because he’s a really good conscious fierce corpse. Maybe they’ll work out controlling him someday. Maybe he’ll be good as an example. They went to a fair amount of trouble faking his destruction, so no sense wasting that. (Wen Ning, for his part, is… not happy. Even when they’re not trying to control him, he is not happy. But he is not making trouble if he can avoid it, because…)

Wen Qing, really outstanding doctor. Jin Guangyao cannot understand why his father was planning to execute her – she’s such a good doctor! Groundbreaking! Sure, she has some inconvenient morals, but she’s simple enough to leverage, just grab some family members – Wen Ruohan kept her in line for years. Why would Jin Guangshan not try to obtain such a valuable resource? It’s probably because when he looks at a woman he stops after the boobs. Anyway, now Jin Guangyao has the opportunity, and it’s easier to fake her death than Wen Ning’s (just have to kill a heavily bruised woman in Wen robes, rather than something that passes for a fierce corpse). She can be kept in line just by threatening Wen Ning’s non-life as the stick, and for a carrot, taking the nails out of his head when they’re not actively experimenting. (Wen Qing is sick to her stomach. Although not everything she’s been required to do is bad–)

(Off stage, but alive, is Jiang Yanli. Jin Guangyao likes her more than he likes most of the Jin Sect, he didn’t want her dead – and whisking her away to a mystery doctor who saved her life means Jiang Wanyin owes him. Big. —He doesn't want her angling for any kind of power/regency after Jin Guangshan dies, so he's been making sure there are plenty of rumors that she's physically and mentally fragile, and his leverage over Yunmeng Jiang is better with her in Jinlintai so he's angling to maintain that, too, but unlike that other idea he's not blackmailing her. This is probably a mistake.)

Wei Wuxian, Yiling Laozu. Smuggled back to Jinlintai at least half dead, and really wanted to get all the way there. Didn’t really change his mind on that until after he got conscious enough to process that (a) Wen Qing and Wen Ning were alive(ish), and might be punished if Wen Qing couldn’t save him; (b) Jiang Yanli is alive, but in Jinlintai, which means not safe. Even after he’s trying, though, he’s in for a long convalescence – especially without a core. (Which Jin Guangyao has figured out and, worse, figured out the reason for.) Wei Wuxian is claiming he couldn’t possibly recreate the Stygian Tiger Seal outside the Burial Grounds and/or without all the pieces and/or while he’s still so weak. The last one is true, the others are… not completely false? He certainly couldn't make it like it was before.

Mo Xuanyu, weird 13-year-old. Inexplicably if usefully devoted to Jin Guangyao. Jin Guangyao doesn’t trust him to do more than some very basic reading on demonic cultivation, but when the secret prison acquired the gravely wounded Wei Wuxian it became important to have someone other than Xue Yang checking on things, refreshing supplies, and getting Jin Guangyao immediately if necessary. Mo Xuanyu also likes Wei Wuxian, and Wen Qing, and Wen Ning, and (for some reason) Xue Yang. Not enough to impact his devotion to Jin Guangyao, though.

Xue Yang, spite elemental. (This Xue Yang has never worked for Wen Ruohan – I may keep the Yin Iron in this universe mashup, it just had no particular connection to Xue Yang.) Half feral (at least). Demonic cultivation natural talent. Delighted to have the opportunity to independently recreate the Stygian Tiger Seal, not that it stops him badgering Wei Wuxian for tips. Big fan of “better to ask forgiveness than permission”. No, that’s not it. Big fan of “better to say ‘yeah, I did it, what are you gonna do about it?’ than ask permission.”

WQ, WN, and WWX are full-time imprisoned in some sort of secret dungeon/basement/hidden complex in Carp Tower. MXY and XY are in and out a lot. JGY less so because he has a busy schedule.

So, moving forward:

Wen Qing is trying to keep WWX alive. WWX is cooperating halfheartedly.

Xue Yang is trying to recreate the Stygian Tiger Seal. WWX is cooperating hundredthheartedly.

JGY picks up that WWX is not being entirely sincere in his cooperation. He decides to show that his threats have teeth, in a very mild way. He plays some 'healing music' for JYL.

JYL has a bad week.

WWX becomes somewhat more cooperative.

(JYL is aware enough of her own body and mind and has enough of an ear for music to say — extremely politely, and not implying (or suspecting!) any malice — that she thinks JGY may need a little more practice.)

(JGY decides he needs to be a little more conservative with his use of the Collection of Turmoil, and maybe, say, not teach any bits of it to people who are not definitely on his side, no matter how innocent and gullible he thinks they are.)

(Nie Sect's trip to the Sword Hall can't be said to go well by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not an almost-TPK either. No one unwittingly kills or spiritually poisons anyone they love. It doesn't make much difference in the timetable of NMJ's decline, really. It doesn't make as much of a difference as you might expect in the timetable of NHS Figuring Shit Out, later on. It does make a difference in the experience level and cohesiveness of Nie Sect's inner-ring disciples. It does make a difference in NHS's emotional health and support structure. It may in fact make a difference in whether JGY is going to get out of all this alive. But that's later.)

When the reconstructed Seal is mostly complete, Xue Yang takes off to Yueyang to "test" it. He may or may not have informed JGY first. Let's go with 'not' (not out of any concern that he'd disapprove, Xue Yang just doesn't want to bother).

So here's the thing. The Seal is not a loyal tool. Insofar as it has a consciousness and feelings it's kind of pissed off at WWX anyway. But he is still its original creator, and this time he's alive, and this time he was extorted into helping reconstruct it, and this time — unlike when he was forging it the first time — revenge doesn't even really make the motivation list, so it's not quite the same reconstructed Seal. It's not a benevolent tool. It doesn't like people. It doesn't want to help people. It doesn't have principles. If Xue Yang just stood outside and ordered fierce corpses to slaughter everyone in the Chang compound, the Seal would have cooperated eagerly.

But obviously Xue Yang isn't about to just stand outside, he goes in and gets his hands dirty, and when he tries to use the Seal to directly, personally attack a child, something goes… sideways. There's an explosion which blows a large hole in the side of the house. Some of the corpses attack Xue Yang. The Seal levitates six meters up into the air and won't come down until grabbed. It's very annoying. Xue Yang makes sure there's no one with a golden core left and sets the building on fire and leaves in a very bad mood.

There are only like a dozen survivors total, no adult cultivators, and the one surviving kid who saw him is too young to give any kind of useful witness statement, but still.

He goes back to the basement and blames WWX for the unsatisfactory performance of the Seal. WWX's response of "Good" didn't deescalate things any, but he probably would have gotten the shit kicked out of him regardless.

Someone interrupts before he can actually beat WWX to death (which had better not have been WWX's plan, says WQ). Right. No core, already seriously injured. Xue Yang gets Wen Qing, who has to do surgery for flail chest. Xue Yang makes a surprisingly good surgical assistant.

JGY gets back from wherever he was (Qinghe playing fake!Clarity? Laoling trying to get a date?) and is like. I was gone for two days.

Xue Yang does not deny almost accidentally killing the only available Yiling Laozu, but blames it on WWX being too fragile due to being coreless and injured.

Maybe if we gave him someone else's core he would be sturdier?

Jin Guangyao doesn't immediately shoot it down. Wen Qing tries to — WWX would never survive the procedure in his current condition, and the donor has to be willing, does JGY really want to sacrifice someone loyal for this questionable gamble?

No, he doesn't. At least not right now.

Xue Yang says he's taking time off. JGY tells him not to get caught.

He gets caught.

Trial, commutation, official imprisonment, and now Xue Yang is stuck in the basement with the others basically full-time. He's seriously trying to convince Wen Qing to teach him surgery. She's appalled, but on the other hand would surgical skills make him any more dangerous than he already is? And it keeps him from sticking nails in Wen Ning's head.

While she's distracted Wei Wuxian is trying and failing to convince Wen Ning and/or Mo Xuanyu that he is recovered enough from the flail chest to walk around. He is failing.

Jin Guangyao is spending a lot of time in Qinghe…

[iamtrebleclefstories]

The Little Bit of Hope I Cling To - Part 4

Izzie goes to Grey Sloan in hopes of seeing Bailey, Meredith, or Alex. She meets Dr. Karev instead. 

the end of the road

Part 4

——————

The months following were smooth sailing, until they weren’t. Jo was about seven months in her pregnancy when it seemed like everything had gone to shit. Izzie got sick again and was back in a hospital bed undergoing multiple treatments and would be undergoing a resection for new mets that appeared along her small intestine.

Everything had been going so well. Izzie had been hired by Alex as a full time neurosurgeon at Grey Sloan, Geo was thriving in his school and enjoying have “cousins” to play with, even Piper—the damn dog—was happy.

That’s why Jo was so pissed. For months, she’d been working tirelessly on her fellowship research to find a breakthrough that could maybe save Izzie’s life and stop the spread of her cancer. Finding out that the cancer was back was like a punch in the gut for all the time Jo had spent trying to come up with a solution. It was made increasingly difficult by the fact that Jo had become friends of sorts with her husband’s ex-wife. They had forged a friendship from the most unexpected of circumstances and it was one that Jo was grateful for.

Jo’s impending motherhood didn’t help the situation either. She knew that she’d be going on maternity leave in a few months, but what would that mean for Izzie? Jo couldn’t just stop now. Not when Izzie needed her the most.

She’d been sitting in the attending’s lounge with her head in her hands when she heard someone shuffle through the door.

“Hey.”

Jo looked up to find Link standing in the doorway. She gave him a small smile, “Hey.”

“You okay?”

“Nope,” Jo laughed dryly. “I’m stressed and tired and my feet hurt and I just need to figure out this medical breakthrough so that a woman that I’ve grown to care about doesn’t die.”

“So... just another Thursday, right?” Link quipped sarcastically. He sat down next to Jo and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Look, I know you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, but it’s not all on just you. Whether you figure it out or not, it doesn’t make you any less of a good doctor. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t try your hardest. You are going to run yourself to the ground if you keep going at the rate you’re going, and I know that can’t be good for the baby.”

Jo let a tear slide down her cheek, “I know... I just wish there was something more I could do. I’m running out of options. She’s my patient and it’s my job to help her, but she’s also become the most unlikely friend. I just... I don’t want her to die.”

“No one wants her to die. But if she does, it won’t be your fault. It won’t be because you didn’t try hard enough. It’ll be because she had cancer and try as we might, sometimes the cancer wins. Regardless of who wins, you have given her time. Time she wouldn’t have had if she never would came to this hospital looking for old friends and instead stumbling upon you. She gets time and a chance to fight because of you. Don’t forget that,” Link pulled Jo in for a sideways hug. ��Now, dry up those tears and go to her room and tell her what’s next in your plan to try to save her life.”

Jo chuckled softly, “Thank you.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Link shrugged. “Seriously though, you’re gonna wanna wipe your face. You’ve got some mascara running down your face.”

“Shut up,” Jo rolled her eyes and stood to look in the mirror. Yikes. She did look pretty wrecked. She grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table and began to blot her face.

Satisfied with her appearance, Jo said goodbye to Link and made her way down to Izzie’s hospital room. As she approached, she saw Alex with Geo on his lap and Meredith talking to Izzie as she knitted a scarf. Smiling, Jo knocked on the door as she walked in, “Hey. I see you have some company.”

“Jo! We were just talking about you—oh my goodness... your belly looks absolutely precious today,” Izzie beamed brightly.

“Thank you,” Jo nodded gratefully and looked over at Alex who was staring at her with love in his eyes.

“Oh! You see, that’s the look. The one we were talking about,” Meredith pointed at Alex.

“What look?” Jo scrunched her face.

“The lovey-dovey look Alex gets on his face anytime you walk into the room. It’s like he worships the ground you walk on,” Izzie teased, a wide grin on her face.

“Yup,” Meredith nodded. “The look of complete and utter adoration.”

Geo looked in between Jo and Alex briefly before agreeing, “Uncle Alex looks at you like you’re the most pwetty thing ever to exist!”

“That’s because she is,” Alex ruffled Geo’s hair, causing the young boy to erupt into a fit of giggles. He looked up at Jo again, “How are you feeling?”

“Good... a bit tired and Link may have just witnessed me have a hormonal break down in the lounge, but mostly good,” Jo ran a hand over her swollen stomach. “Baby is kicking a lot today.”

“Can I feel?” Geo asked excitedly, jumping up from his spot on Alex’s lap. “Pwetty please?”

“Sure,” Jo smiled at the boy and guided his little hand up to where the baby’s feet were. “You feel that thump? That’s the baby.”

“Woah,” Geo’s eyes widened in wonder. “This is so cool!”

“It is pretty cool isn’t it?” Jo winked at him. “What’s even cooler is that in a couple months, the baby will be here and we’ll get to hold and cuddle him or her all day long.”

“I can’t wait to have a baby cousin,” Geo looked over at Izzie. “It’s something happy and we need all the happy so mommy can get better.”

“You are so right, Geo. A big part of your mommy’s recovery is going to depend on her being very strong. Happiness gives us something to hope for and it makes us oh so very strong,” Jo replied.

The three other adults watched the scene unfold with smiles on their faces. Izzie turned to Jo, “You are going to be a wonderful mother. I can tell.”

“Thank you,” Jo reached over and squeezed one of Izzie’s hands. “I wanted to come in and tell you that I’m actively making plans for what to do next. Right now, surgery is still our best option, but I’m doing everything in my power to figure out something else. Until then, you’ll continue with the IL-2 treatments to shrinks those mets down as much as possible. I want to do the resection in a week from today.”

“Sounds good,” Izzie nodded. “Enough about me, someone tell me something happy or funny to help me distract myself from the fact that I’m stuck here while everyone else is performing surgery. Ooh! Like have you guys figured out a name yet?”

“Not yet,” Alex shook his head. “We haven’t really had a chance to sit down and talk about names. Hell, we don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl.”

That was true. Originally, Jo and Alex were going to find out the sex of the baby, but at the last minute chose to wait and be surprised. It was exciting and made it even more fun when people tried to place their bets on the sex of the baby.

“You better hope for your sake it’s a boy, because if you have a little girl who looks like Jo, that’s it. You’re a goner,” Meredith smirked

“Oh I can see it now,” Izzie laughed. “Alex freaking out because she’s going out on date when she sixteen.”

Alex scowled, “Shut up. We’re no where close to that so we’re not even going to think about it.”

“You see? He’s going to have a complete meltdown if that baby is a girl,” Meredith pointed at Jo’s bump. “What do you think it is Jo?”

“Honestly, I haves to clue. It’s changes every day. Today I’m feeling boy, but I’m a couple hours from now I might think it’s a girl.”

“Well, if you guys decide to go with the theme of naming your babies after a loved one, just remember that no one has named a baby after me yet,” Meredith grinned slyly.

“Shut up,” Alex threw a paper cup in Meredith’s direction, causing the three women to laugh.

***

“Helen, I swear I’m fine,” Jo insisted as she walked into the hospital, her mother in law trailing behind her.

“No you are not,” Helen frowned. “I know that I’m not entirely mentally stable, but Jo, I gave birth to three children. I know what labor looks like. You are having contractions.”

“They’re Braxton Hicks,” Jo tried to explain. “Besides, I am only thirty five weeks. I have a whole month before the baby is supposed to be born. I haven’t even gone on maternity leave yet.”

“Now I see why Alex called me,” Helen muttered under her breath. “Okay, fine. Maybe you aren’t in labor but you need to slow down.”

“Trust me, Helen, I would love to, but I can’t. I have patients to take care of and my research. I can’t afford to stop now. Not when I’m on the brink of something that could save many lives. Not when Izzie Stevens is finally getting discharged again today,” Jo said as Helen followed her into the attendings lounge.

Truthfully, Jo was in pain. She’d been having contractions ever since four in the morning, but did her best to ignore it. She was tough. She could handle a little pain and discomfort. It wasn’t time yet.

“Wait, is this the ex-wife Izzie Stevens?” Helen made a face at the information, while Jo changed into her scrubs. “Alex mentioned that his ex-wife was here getting treatment. You’re her doctor?”

“Yes,” Jo nodded as she pulled on the scrub top and fluffed her hair out.

“You are a saint,” Helen shook her head.

“She’s really not that bad,” Jo turned to Helen. “I’m going to round on her right now if you want to join me.”

“Might as well,” Helen shrugged. “I promised Alex I’d stay with you today.”

“Alex needs to calm down. Worrying like that is just going to give him more gray hair than what he already has. I am fine. The baby is fine,” Jo walked out the lounge and into the hallway in the direction of Izzie’s room.

Just as they were about to walk into Izzie’s room, Jo was hit by a powerful contraction. She took a deep breath and grabbed onto the doorway, exhaling in pain. She shook her head and proceeded into the room.

“Hey Izzie,” Jo greeted and smiled when she saw Geo. “Hello to you, too Geo. Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

“Yes he is, but mommy decided to let him skip because she’s leaving the hospital today,” Izzie grinned.

“That’s right! I checked all of your levels and your most recent scans, and I feel very good about discharging you today,” Jo shared the good news. She turned and motioned for Helen to walk in, ignoring another contraction. “Iz! This is Alex’s mom, Helen Karev.”

“Hi,” Helen gave Izzie a wary smile.

“Oh! Hi, Mrs. Karev, it’s so nice to meet you,” Izzie shook Helen’s hand. She looked over at Jo. “I didn’t know that he introduced you to his mom.”

“Yeah, we met just a couple weeks before the wedding. Went out to Iowa to visit,” Jo recounted. “Alex called her and flew her out here to be the pregnancy police.”

“He did not ask me to be the pregnancy police,” Helen rolled her eyes. He’d mentioned that your due date was approaching soon and I told him that I wanted to be here to see you before you gave birth, so he came to Iowa and flew out here with me. He said he’d do the same once the baby was born. But it looks to me like he won’t have to make the second trip because you are having contractions every three minutes.”

Jo’s eyes widened as she realized that her mother-in-law had been measuring the time between her contractions, “They’re three minutes apart? They’re coming steady?”

“Yes, honey. Like I said ever since we left the house, you are in labor,” Helen reiterated and placed a hand on Jo’s shoulder. “You need to cancel the rest of your day.”

“No, no, no. I am not having this baby right now,” Jo shook her head stubbornly. “It’s two early. He or she has still got to cook for five more weeks. Their lungs still need a few more weeks to develop, they don’t have enough body fat to regulate temperature yet, and they won’t be strong enough to breastfeed. So, this baby is staying inside.”

“Um... Jo,” Izzie called out. “You’re bleeding.”

“I’m what?” Jo looked down to see a dark streak running down the leg of her scrub pants. She clutched her stomach in pain again. “Oh, crap. Call Alex and Meredith.”

“Geo, run to the nurses station and tell them that we need a wheel chair for Dr. Jo and that they need to page Uncle Alex right away. It’s an emergency,” Izzie instructed her son, who nodded and ran out into the hall. She carefully stood up from her bed and walked over to where Jo was leaning against the wall. “Okay, you’re going to be fine. Jo, how about you let me feel your belly?”

Izzie felt around for a minute before scrunching her eyes in concern, “Alright, keep in mind that I am a neurosurgeon and I’m not exactly sure that this is what’s going on, but I think your placenta ruptured. There shouldn’t be this much blood.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Helen asked worriedly.

“Just hold her up while I find Geo with the wheelchair,” Izzie rushed out of the room and found her son walking next to a nurse strolling a wheelchair. “Did you page Alex Karev?”

“Yes,” the nurse nodded.

“Okay, you also need to page OB and Meredith Grey. I think Jo’s experiencing placental abruption and she may need to undergo a crash C-section.”

“I’m on it.”

***

The following minutes were a frenzy of activity as Alex—who’d been elbow deep in a kid’s body cavity—was notified of his wife going into preterm labor. He got tagged out by Bailey and ran out to find Meredith standing outside the OR board, trying to figure out which OR they’d taken Jo to.

When they got to OR 2, both Meredith and Alex were happy to find that Jo was not alone. Standing there holding her hand was Izzie, who was muttering soothing words to her, “Everything is going great so far. You are doing good, the baby is okay, and Alex is on his way.”

“I’m here!” Alex announced as he came up beside Jo and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Hey, I’m here.”

“Oh thank God,” Jo breathed out a sigh of relief. “This wasn’t the plan. God, Alex this wasn’t the plan.”

“When the hell have our lives ever gone to plan?” Alex chuckled light. “It’s okay, because we caught in time and in a few minutes we’re going to have a beautiful baby.”

“Where’s Meredith?” Jo called out.

“I’m right here Jo,” Meredith walked up to where Izzie had been sitting my Jo’s head. “We got this, thank you.”

“Oh. Yeah... no problem,” suddenly, Izzie felt very out of place. For the first time in the months since she’d returned to Seattle, she felt like an outsider looking in. “Okay. I’m going to go sit with your mom, Alex. Keep her some company.”

“Thank you.”

***

A little over an hour had passed when Meredith finally came out to the waiting room on the Labor & Delivery floor. She wore a bright smile on her face, “Mom and baby are just fine. There was some bleeding but we got that under control and Alex stood over the peds fellow’s shoulder making sure that the baby was fine.”

“Oh thank God,” Izzie let out a sigh of relief. “They’re both okay?”

“Yes,” Meredith nodded. “The baby’s lungs are fully developed. She might have to stay in an incubator a couple nights to regulate her body temperature, but she’s healthy.”

“Did you say she?” Helen asked.

“I did. It’s a girl.”

Izzie laughed, “Oh my God. I knew it! Please tell me she looks exactly like Jo.”

“She’s a carbon copy,” Meredith joined Izzie’s laughter. “I would’ve thought Jo’s cloned herself if it weren’t for obvious mop of hair on her head that definitely came from Alex.”

“Can we go see them?” Geo pulled on Meredith’s scrubs. “Pleaseeeeee!”

“Yes, you can go see them. That’s why I came out to get you,” Meredith extended her hand out to the little boy. “Come on, follow me.”

They walked down the halls of L&D until they finally found themselves outside a room. Somewhere along the way, Amelia, Link, and Bailey had joined them. Meredith knocked on the door before walking in, “I brought some visitors.”

Jo and Alex looked up from the tiny pink bundle in their arms to see their friends—their family walk into the room. Alex grinned widely as he held his daughter in his arms and stood up to greet everyone. He was jittering with excitement, “Dude, I’m a dad!”

The room erupted into laughter. Amelia chuckled, “Yeah we know.”

There was a shuffling by the doorway as someone pushed their way through, “I’m here! I was in surgery. Did I miss it?”

Maggie burst through the door eyes wide, struggling to catch her breath, “Oh my God. It’s a girl!”

“Yes, it’s a girl,” Jo sighed dreamily, very clearly in love with the child in her husband’s arms.

“She’s absolutely beautiful,” Helen fawned over the small child. “I have a granddaughter!”

“Well? Are you going to tell us her name?” Bailey asked expectantly.

Alex and Jo exchanged a look before answering simultaneously, “Taylor Joy Karev.”

“TJ for short,” Jo added.

Izzie watched as everyone—her son included—took their turns meeting and holding the precious little newborn. It was a sweet moment, one that she thought she’d never get to see. It was... odd, seeing her ex-husband and his wife welcome their child into the world. It was odd being a part of the process. It was odd that they let her in after the history between her and Alex.

Jo must’ve noticed Izzie’s detached expression because soon, Izzie was being pulled out of her reverie by Jo’s concerned voice, “Izzie, are you okay?”

“I should be the one asking you that,” Izzie winked. “You scared me a little there. But of course Taylor had to have a dramatic entrance into the world, she’s a Karev after all. Already like her father in that way.”

“She’s been in this world for two hours and she already has him wrapped around her little finger,” Jo mused quietly, looking at her husband helping the Geo and the other kids—who’d been brought over from school—hold their newest cousin. “I don’t blame him, though... I didn’t think I could love anyone this much. I didn’t think I’d ever love anyone more than I love Alex, but this little girl... she’s everything. Absolutely everything.”

“I know exactly how you feel,” Izzie sat down on the edge of Jo’s bed. “When I saw Geo for the first time, my heart cracked wide open. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t given birth to him. I knew he was mine and I was his. Not a day goes by where I’m not grateful for every second I get to spend with him. Especially, since my cancer returned.”

Izzie paused and thought carefully about her next words, “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t alive right now. But I also, wouldn’t be here in this room, surrounded by friends watching my ex-husband hold his newborn daughter if it weren’t for you. You have helped me mend broken relationships and have given me a community again. And that’s all because of you. God knows they wouldn’t be as welcoming to me if it weren’t for your genuine care and compassion. So thank you, for giving me life back.”

About halfway through Izzie’s short speech, Jo felt a couple tears slip her eyes. She tried to wave it off as the hormones, “You��re welcome. Thank you for staying with me until TJ was born.”

“It was my pleasure and honor,” Izzie squeezed Jo’s hand lightly, marveling at the shift in roles. For the first time, Jo was in the hospital bed and Izzie was standing about it. “It’s weird seeing you in a hospital gown instead for scrubs.”

“It’s weird being in a hospital gown,” Jo answered. She observed Izzie for a minute. “Are you okay? You got discharged today and instead ended up getting me to an OR in time so that I didn’t lose too much blood.”

“I’m good. Honestly, I feel really good,” Izzie assured. “I know I’m not better yet and I know that I’ve still got to fight, but things like these... things like these remind me that I have so much to fight for. I want this. I want to be here and watch TJ grow. I want to see Zola, Bailey, and Ellis grow. I want to see my son grow and I want to have another kid. I want to marry someone that looks at me the way Alex looks at you, or Ben Warren looks at Bailey. So as long as I have left, I’m gonna keep fighting for those things.”

Alex—who’d heard the tail end of the conversation between the two women—walked up with baby Taylor resting comfortably in his embrace, “And we’re going to help you do that.”

Jo nodded in confirmation, “Anything you need, we’re here.”

“Thanks,” Izzie smiled and finally turned her attention to the small child. “Okay, it’s Auntie Izzie’s turn to hold this little one. Everyone else got a turn except for me.”

Alex handed the baby over and Izzie grinned widely when she finally got a good look at the little girl, “Oh, Alex. You are in so much trouble.”

“Why?” Alex scrunched his face in question.

“Because she’s gorgeous and looks exactly like her mother. And with the parents she has—ha, I cannot wait to see what kind of trouble she gets herself into,” Izzie laughed. “Let’s just pray she doesn’t take after you and your... wild side.”

“Oh God, no. Nope,” Alex shook his head. “She’s not allowed to even look at a boy until she’s thirty.”

“Okay,” Jo snorted in amusement. “You’re just terrified because now you finally realized that you ten years ago, was every father’s worst nightmare.”

“God, I’m gonna pay for that, aren’t I? This right here, this little girl is karma for all of the terrible things I did throughout the years,” Alex’s eyes were wide in terror.

“Yup,” Izzie hummed and cradled the little one closer. “I’m happy for you guys. Truly.”

“Thank you,” Alex’s face curved up into a crooked smile. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“You’re going to stick around right? You’re not leaving Seattle or anything?” Jo asked.

“I’m sticking around,” Izzie took a deep breath. “Years ago, I told Mer that this was just a place I worked, but I was wrong. This is home. This is family."

***

Five Years Later

“TJ! Get your butt in here right now!” Jo yelled as she tripped on a pile of toys in the living room. She waited until she heard the pitter-patter of feet signaling her daughter’s appearance. “What have I said about leaving these on the floor. Someone can get hurt.”

“Sorry mommy!” TJ’s little eyes widened in apology.

“It’s okay baby, just pick them up when we get home later. Right now we have to go. We’re going to be late,” Jo reached out her hand and led her daughter out the house.

When they reached the car, she saw Alex fiddling around in the backseat. Jo smirked, “Having some trouble there?”

“I can’t get this stupid seat belt over her dress,” Alex grumbled. “Was this really necessary?”

“You know how Izzie is. Everything has to be perfect. Here let me do it,” Jo chuckled as she pushed Alex aside to look at the three year old girl that Alex was struggling to strap in. “Hi, Bella Mae. You look so beautiful. Mommy is going to help you get all strapped in because Daddy is having some issues.”

“Daddy habbin’ issues,” Bella giggled quietly. “I wike my dwess.”

“I like your dress too,” Jo complimented the little girl. Jo smoothed down her daughter’s dress as she buckled her into the car seat. Bella was her goofy, energetic kid. Rather than being a carbon copy of her mother like Taylor was, Bella took after the Karev side. Alex constantly talked about how Bella reminded him of his sister, Amber when she was a little girl. Bella and Alex had the same big brownish-greenish eyes and crooked grins. “Alright, Bells. You are all set.”

“Tank you, mommy!”

“You’re welcome,” Jo kissed the little girl’s forehead.

Finally, Jo turned over to the little man that was sitting in between his two sisters. Wyatt Alexander Karev was a cubby two year old that was the perfect blend of both Jo and Alex. It was hard to determine where features of one parent ended and the other began.

Wyatt gave Jo a cheesy smile, “Mama!”

“Hi munchkin! You look so handsome,” Jo ruffled his little curls.

“Tanks mama!”

“You ready?” Alex asked as he rounded the car.

“Yeah. Let’s go,” Jo nodded and thanked Alex as he opened the door for her and helped her inside the car.

When they arrived to the venue, Alex and Jo hurried to take the kids out of the car and walk in the direction they had been told. Standing outside the room, Jo knocked on the door.

“Come in!”

The family of five walked in to see Izzie standing in an ivory gown with a giant smile on her face, “Oh thank God you’re here. I was worried you’d be late.”

“I can’t be late, I’m the maid of honor,” Jo pulled Izzie into a hug. “You look amazing. Decker isn’t going to know what hit him when he sees you.”

“Jo’s right. You look hot, Iz,” Alex grinned widely. “You’ve still got it.”

Izzie rolled her eyes, “Thank you.” She let out a shaky breath. “I’m kind of nervous.”

“Do you want to make a run for it?” Alex asked. “I’ll tell Mer to gear up the getaway car. We’ll leave the kids with Maggie and Amelia and the the four of us will be out of here before anyone notices.”

“No I don’t want to make a run for it. Can’t a girl be nervous? Weren’t you nervous to get married?” Izzie made a face.

“Nope,” Alex shook his head.

“Seriously? You didn’t get nervous? Not even when you married me?” Izzie’s face was painted with disbelief.

“When I married you, it was so last minute, I didn’t have time to be nervous. And when I married Jo, I’d never been more sure of anything in my life. Also, our wedding day was a mess and we had sex in a shed next to corpse and practically missed the entire thing,” Alex answered simply.

“Fair enough.”

“Just take a deep breath. You’ll be fine,” Jo placed a comforting hand on Izzie’s shoulder. “You two love each other and Decker adores Geo and Gabe.”

“Speak of the little devils,” Izzie chuckled as her sons barged into the bridal suite.

Geo had grown a lot in the past five years. At eleven years old, the boy was almost as tall as Izzie. His brown hair darkened a bit and started to curl slightly. He looked more and more grown up everyday.

Gabe had been adopted about four years ago at the age of three. Like Zola, Gabe had come to Grey Sloan for a surgical procedure as a toddler through the African exchange program that Alex had spearheaded. Gabe had needed surgery for a cardiac defect that Maggie had operated on. When Izzie heard that one of the little boys from the program was an orphan, she went to go meet him for herself and fell in love. The now seven year old was a boundless spring of energy that brought so much light and laughter into their lives.

“Mom!” The two boys gasped when they saw their mom standing in her dress. “You look so pretty!”

“She does, doesn’t she?” Jo smiled. “It’s almost time to start so you guys need to go find Decker and get ready, okay?”

The young boys gave their mom a hug and another compliment before making their way out the room. With a couple minutes left before the ceremony started, Izzie took another deep breath.

Meredith walked into the suite, “Okay. Our flower girls, Ellis, TJ, and Bella are ready. The ring bearers are with Decker and the groomsmen. The guests are all here. The priest is just waiting on you.”

“Let’s get you married,” Jo grinned excitedly and followed Meredith as she led the flower girls to the aisle.

Finally, it was just Izzie and Alex left, waiting outside the double doors for their turn to enter. Izzie bit her lip nervously, “Are you sure this isn’t weird? You walking me down the aisle? I mean you’ve seen me naked.”

“You know how many people I’ve seen naked?” Alex huffed a laugh. He extended his arm for Izzie to take. “No. It’s not weird. The past few years have been some of the best of my life. And not just because I married Jo and had three kids. Having you back has been great. You’ve become family. I’m so excited for you to get married and I feel honored that I get to be the one who walks you down the aisle. So, just shut up and start walking before I have to kick you down the aisle.”

And with that, Izzie realized that it had finally come full circle. Five years ago, she’d returned to Seattle with very little hope to cling to. Today, she had a family, a support system that was celebrating her as she finally got her happy ending. It might seem strange or unconventional to others, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

The end.

——————————————————————————

Hi guys! I hope you enjoyed the final part of this series. I loved writing this story. I'll confess, Izzie Stevens has never been one of my favorite characters, but writing this redemption arc and beautiful ending for her character, while preserving jolex is something that I wish we would've seen in canon. Let me know what you thought of this and don't hesitate to follow me on Tumblr @iamtrebleclefstories for more content!

[ziracona]

The tendency in fandom to take every white girl with short hair, regardless of the status of their canonical interest or lack of interest in women and explicit interest and/or sexual history with everything but, proclaim them a lesbian queen, and then ignore or absolve them of every single horrific act they take in fiction because of this. Is not doing feminism. Women. Lesbians. Or anyone. Any favors. It’s just bad.

Somehow. Some people really do apparently need to hear that...being any specific sexuality...is not a personality trait.

And also. Women aren’t inherantly less vile than men (or anyone non-binary, agender, fluid, etc, else), and whatever bad deeds they do should be judged based on just that—on the deeds, and their context. Not their sexuality, imagined sexuality, or their gender. Becuase none of those things effect whether committing murder is bad. At all. Not even a little. And none of them. Is even a personality trait. Affecting the character’s value as a person.

It’s cool, and good, to see characters with minority identities. And it’s real nice. When it’s whatever you are. But them being whatever. Is not a personality trait. Just a fact. And sometimes. People of any type. Are not good. Pretending any minority status—gender, sexuality, race, disability, neurotype, etc—is a get out of jail free card? Is not. Doing them. Or anyone. Any favors. Personality disorder. Doesn’t make you bad. Also doesn’t make you good. Your actions do. Acting like Amy from Gone Girl did nothing wrong when she date rapes her boyfriend & then frames him for doing that to her & ruins his life, then blackmails her husband who is terrified of being murdered by her into staying with her for the sake of the child she made at a fertility clinic with his sperm without his consent, bc she’s a woman. Isn’t good. Men aren’t more deserving of violence than women. Neither is anyone else. Jane. Left an infant child in an unheated car in subzero weather in a snow storm with zombies around that easily would hear it cry and go eat it. So she could lie and say she already let zombies eat it to bait a man with easily triggerable PTSD who had just lost his family to zombies for the second time into starting a fight. Because he was injured, unarmed, weak, down an eye, and 50, while she was fit, mid 20s, healthy, and armed with a hunting knife. Because she wanted an excuse to kill him without looking bad, because she wanted the 11 year old girl she was co-parenting with him, all to herself. And her immediately responding to the dude throwing a punch by stabbing him in the stomach to escalate the fight from brawl to life or death, then losing her knife, and instead of telling him the baby was alive & she’d made it up to start a fight which could have at any point ended the fight, begging the 11 year old child to gun down her oldest surviving friend with her own hands in cold blood so that she’d get what she wanted? Is evil. As is crying on the 11 year old and using pity as a weapon to get her to stay with her if she gets mad and wants to leave when she realizes Jane staged the whole thing for an excuse to murder, and so is after realizing like a month later that she is pregnant, committing suicide, and leaving the 11 year old that she just manipulated into killing her oldest surviving friend/completely isolated on purpose so she could have her to herself, totally alone in the apocalypse to care for an infant. Jennifer’s Body? Is a fantastic film. And Jennifer didn’t deserve any of what happened to her. But not one single boy she kills during the course of that film deserved it—and explicitly so. Even the guy who could easily have been a meathead jock bully is outside alone crying becuase his best friend just died and he loved him before she decides to lure him off and eat him alive. And acting like it’s totally fine & Needy should have just let her keep eating boys instead of killing her? Is fucked up. None of them deserved to die. And no one deserves death innately more because they are or are not something that is just a factual designator of their makeup as a human. The exchange student was scared and alone and nice, the catholic kid was sweet and Needy’s friend, Chip is a bad boyfriend but he meant well and being stupid doesn’t mean you deserve to die. And this girl ate them alive. That’s not funny. Or cool. Or fine becuase they were dudes. Gertrude Robinson? Chose again and again to betray people who loved her, or trusted her—sold out victims of awful trauma to their worst nightmares. Killed friends in the worst possible ways, like it was nothing. Michael loved her, and trusted her, and tried to care for her, and she without faltering fed him to his worst nightmare and forced him to become it. There is nothing excusable about that action.

Jude Perry? Has 0 redeeming features. Didn’t even stay faithful to her poor gf & was creepy obsessed w Agnes. Literally murdered her co-worker friend just because he was happy, and she wanted to destroy things: that’s it. She didn’t even dislike him. Murdered him because he had a wife and kid and house and it seemed fun, then burned down his house, took his wife’s money, and now checks in on his kid every so often in case he ever recovers from the trauma she inflicted enough to be fun to kill. There is literally nothing good about this woman. Yes. I mean that. Because being a lesbian? Is just a thing. There is no g/b tag, there is no tag at all. Amanda Young? Got kidnapped and tortured and forced to choose between killing a man who couldn’t resist but was conscious to watch her, and letting herself die, and she killed him. Then, instead of responding to that trauma with guilt or responsibility or anger at her captor, joined up with him and started helping him kidnap people just like her. She was not forced, she was not lied to. It does not matter if John was manipulative; she is a grown ass woman and like all grown ass adults, responsible for her own actions and choices. She did not get manipulated pitifully into this—she did not go unwillingly. She volunteered, with a happy vengeance, became obsessed with John and in love with him, despite his complete lack of interest. And she did not even just do what he did. She decided on her own that no one deserved redemption, & she killed them for fun in traps that wouldn’t let them go even if they did whatever awful thing the trap demanded as a price for life, just for the fun and power trip of watching them die helpless & in agony. That was all her, & her alone. She sat in a house full of people slowly dying from organ decomposition over the course of a few hours, for no crime worse than drug addiction—the thing she of all people should have been most sympathetic to—knowing full well at any time she could have saved them and stopped the game, and did nothing. She held a woman in her arms and stroked her head lovingly while she let her die in one of the most inhumane ways possible for the crime of having not been able to break an addition. She got saved by a 16 year old child multiple times, who had done nothing more than shoplift, and stood by while he had to watch a man get his brains blown out, another burn to death in an oven. As his organs slowly dissolved too. Watched the kid kill another human being & massively traumatize himself to save her life. And responded to that by attacking & knocking him out, tying him up, locking him up for days in a tiny safe bound and gagged with an oxygen supply to keep him alive, to be a piece in another game. Left his father, who had shown up to try & save him, to starve to death in chains in a horrible abandoned rotting room, & never even told him his son was alive. Let every other addict die horribly, let that kid sustain permanent damage to his organs that will kill him young, antidote taken or not, took his dad from him, & went back to torturing without a second thought. Kidnapped a woman whose worst crime was being a doctor & dating someone while maybe separated instead of divorced from her husband, put her in a trap that would take her head off with shotgun blasts, threatened her for fun, & then killed her even after she did everything she was asked, because it was more important to her that the old man she was obsessed with think she was special and great, than for the other woman to get to stay alive another day & go home to her daughter. There is nothing sympathetic about Amanda. She’s just not only evil, but too spineless to take responsibility for her own choices & actions, & tries to hide behind a “UwU I am sad & lonely & damaged & having trauma means I can literally torture people to death to feel special & it’s really tragic and sympathetic about me, not evil. Uhm. Some people??? Commit torture-murders?? To cope??” And acting like she’s somehow a victim in this becuase she is a pretty white girl with short hair? Is fucked. Up.

But every. God damn. Time. I see this. Please. It needs. To stop. People go: “UwU pretty girl short hair want” & I go “Ok. I see where u. Come from. Indeed.” But then. They go. “Girl pretty I like. So she was blameless. For this atrocity.” Those words...

Every day. I wake up. Thinking of Janic saying. Iconically. “At least me and Regina George know we’re mean,” and I weep inside. Because I cannot fathom. Or stomach. The lack of responsibility. I will kill. Characters who cannot admit they are bad. Myself. But somehow. They become. Flames. To moths. Of the “UwU pretty white girl short hair. We stan. Victim. Queen. Love her. Never done wrong.” Boy. We all done wrong. Even all my faves. At least once. I think. ...not if we count dogs probably, but people, yes. Ok. Anyway. All this is to say. Characters. Should be judged. Based on what they did. And why. And the aftermath. Not a grouping tag. I don’t mean any of these. Make bad characters. At all. Amy is a great character. So is Jennifer. So are most of them. I have quite affection even. For Jeneffer specifically. But you can like. Character. Without proclaiming. Them perfect humans. Who never did a thing wrong. Or their acts somehow. Justifiable. And ok. And you better stop saying. Ok. Because done. To men. Men do not. Deserve violence. Any more. Than anyone else. No one deserves violence defacto for factors. Outside their control. Wtf. Really people. It’s ok too. For character. To do much bad stuff. And still like character. Villains. And often just complex characters. Sometimes just characters. Do stuff. That is bad. It’s not supposed to be not their fault. Or ok. Also. Women are not a sisterhood. Of flawless beings. Who never hurt anyone or do any bad stuff. They can. And are. Often purpotrators. Of awful acts. And when they are. It is still. Very bad. Still. An awful act. Same level. Even. Of awful. Wild.

In conclusion.

Having short hair. While a girl. Doesn’t make her a butch queen. Who is absolved of all responsibility for that murder she committed. It just makes her a girl with short hair. That did a murder. I’m gonna. Kill someone. Too. And if I chop my hair off. I guess I can get away with it.

[curious-minx]

Left Behind In The Halloween Parade: Late Review of Bob’s Burgers And The Simpsons.

The First Sunday of November, and the Last Sunday of the Trump and Biden election, found Hulu finally uploading the Bob’s Burgers and Simpsons Halloween episodes. So in the spirit of taking your sweet ass time that is exactly what I did with this review. The Bob’s Burgers Halloween episode is probably the weakest of the series, a series that is practically a Hallmark card company in terms of the amount of holiday-inspired content they have churned out. Episode “Heartbreak Hotel-oween” isn’t a particularly offensive in any way it just fails to live up to Halloween episodes such as my personal favorites Season 8 “The Wolf of Wharf Street,” which remains one of the most visually stunning episodes of the series,  and  Season 4, the series’ second Halloween episode,“Fort Night,” which has incredibly gruesome stakes and the most satisfying entry in the Louise versus Millie feud. 

“Heartbreak Hotel-oween” is still ultimately pretty good and though it took a second viewing to fully appreciate it I do like watching the Belcher children deftly sail through the world of adults. The tantalizing plot thread of a Bob’s Burgers Delivery service is dangled and I would like to see more Delivery based plots. Getting these characters into different areas and expanding upon the ambitious Jersey shore town. Having the kids deliver a burger to an older woman using the burger as a lure for her seance is flattened against a brown and forgettable after thought of a hotel. Everything with the Belcher kids is good and interesting and with the help of Andy Daly voicing the Hotel Manager; Lindsey Stoddart doing Quarantine duty and voicing multiple characters including the old woman Dolores conducting the seance, and Loren Bouchard Home Movies collaborator Melissa Robbins stops by as a bystander character as well. 

The episode starts getting in its own way with the adults blood bank centric B-plot. The entire plot is given in a single exchange with Teddie being excited about donating blood and everyman Bob with his everyman  O-negative blood finds giving blood nauseating and gross. That’s it. That’s the whole plot and besides the blood banker workers being dressed up as vampires there are no other comedic games being played and it is total unmemorable fluff, which has been a common issue for the ongoing series. One thing this episode does right is at least get Bob, Linda and Teddie out of the restaurant and into a new environment. A lot of the verbal exchanges between Bob, Linda and Teddie feel a lot more stilted due to Covid recordings and the lack of non-scripted banter is sorely missed. I have noticed this season having more John H. Benjamin monologue Bob by himself moments, which only work when Bob’s imagination is in full flight. Where was the talking bag of Bob’s blood? Hell I wouldn’t even had objected to hearing a dang song sung by the vampires to help soothe Bob into giving blood or something beyond: Bob doesn’t like giving blood because it makes him woozy, he gives blood and get’s woozy. 

Overall this is a perfectly serviceable episode: three Ghost-baiting cheeseburgers out of five. 

////

Intermission. 

Fox is certainly using the Loren Bouchard & Molyneux sisters brand like a blood bag with the recent announcement of the new series The Great North. Wendy Molyneux is a frequent writer, (executive) story editor since Bob’s Burgers inception. She is the writer of  “The Wolf of Wharf Street” and the episode of Bob’s Burgers I have watched the most - “There's No Business Like Mr. Business Business,” because I am a cat fanatic, John Oliver fan, and have been the pet companion of a standard poodle exactly like Snoodle named Faust that I love dearly. Basically, I am excited for this show. Molyneux is also a deeply connected collaborator with Megan Mullally writing on all 74 episodes of Mullally’s forgotten by the ages The Megan Mullally Show. A show according to Wikipedia’s citation of Fox News, “viewers were disappointed to find out that Megan is not anything like Karen in real life,” and if there is any white woman out there that is an anti-Karen it is Mullally. Mullally is not the focus of the show but her more visible and commercially accessible husband Nick Offerman is finally being anointed into the annals of TV Dads. With his three sons voiced by Paul Rust, Will Forte and National Treasure Aparna Nancherla and sole daughter voiced by Bob’s Burgers alum Jenny Slate, who recently honorably stepped down from a lucrative tv series Big Mouth deal like the real champ that she is.  Mullally will show up as Jenny Slate’s character’s boss andThe cast is undeniable the backdrop of Alaska has a lot of promise for elaborate or interesting set pieces. I am ready for this show! Will this be Bob’s Burgers Futurama? That’s probably a vicious hex based on how Futurama was infamously jerked around by Fox. FOX has already given the show a promising two-season deal, which is already a lot better than what Netflix did for Tuca and Bertie. Faint nowhere discussions of the Bob’s Burgers movie were also mentioned in an interview with Bouchard who has a cantankerous “theater release only” policy, which bums out a little, but I would much prefer they take as long as possible. The Bob’s Burgers movie cannot end up carrying out the Simpson movie curse.

/////

I am no Simsons scholar. I could not give you an active ranking of favorite Tree House of Horror episodes. I could tell you that I really like Bart as an Edgar Allen Poe’s Raven. You don’t need to be Simpsons scholar to safely state that “Treehouse of Horror XXXI” should be ashamed to show its “funny face.” For starters the entire appeal of the anthology style of storytelling has been completely deflated by having two of the previous episodes in this season being gimmicky non-standard episodes. The only positive thing I can say about this episode is that it is an important teaching tool for what the most broken and shittiest, laziest satire imaginable would look like and the 2020 Election cold opening is actually pretty solid. All of the good will earned by the strong opening is completely squandered starting with an inexplicably CGI Toys Story sketch. I am assuming the animation department went with CGI because the source material is CGI. The CGI is really bad and makes me really miss the 3D models of Simpsons Hit And Run and perfectly charming The Simpsons Game. Instead this sketch’s particular animation looks like the animators were most inspired not by Pixar’s clean and craftsmen like CGI models but were going for more of a Fanboy & Chum Chum look. A Toy’s Story parody in this day and age is asinine in its laziness, but it’s still an evergreen territory. A good Toy’s Story parody is possible, but simply having Bart play out the role of Toy Story’s Sid except he gets lobotomized by his own toys. I did appreciate the writer’s making the explicit moral of the story to not buy toys, which for a Disney product like the Simpsons is pretty rich. 

Behold! The last recorded instance of a quality Toys Story satire from China, IL

The next two parodies go down slightly better simply because they aren’t sporting that eye bleeding animation but paying homage to Enter The Spider-verse and Russian Doll/Happy Death Day 2U in 2020 feels just as dated as Toy Story. What kind of fool is still writing about Russian Doll in 2020? The Enter the Homer-verse sketch is at least ambitious and showcases how masturbatory  the show has come whenever it is showcasing Dan Castellaneta’s various vocal talents. I get it dude, you like having dump trucks of money given to you for barely making an effort and doing Hannah Barbara impersonations that sound more like a bad Woody Allen. Regardless, this is still the one sketch that makes the most attempt to have comedic games with its multiple iterations of Homer and even throwing out some alternative universe Burns and Smithers for good measure. The final third Russian Doll sketch that let’s you know that this sketch is more Russian Doll than Happy Death Day by using the same exact Harry Nilsson “Gotta Get Up”  piano riff. This sketch had potential but once again the show writers and creatives seem to only indulge the worst possible instincts and cast Lisa as the lead of the sketch. So that means we get to watch this 8 soon-to-be 9 year old girl and fellow child Nelson get murdered in a variety of banal and brutal ways, and it’s just not fun or pleasant to watch. The obvious choice is an unexpected Springfield resident and if it has to be a Simpson having Marge or one of her sisters be the Nadia surrogate makes far more logical sense and Marge’s birthday would carry more emotional weight. 

Reminder to myself to check out this lost late series entry where Natasha Lyonne is the voice of Krusty’s daughter. 

I completely understand why The AV Club canceled their coverage of The Simpsons. The whole series has a very masochistic and sadistic pull and tug between creatives and fans. The sweet and simple souls of Den of Geek are still reviewing the Simpsons and offer a far more favorable review: https://www.denofgeek.com/tv/the-simpsons-season-32-episode-4-review-treehouse-of-horror-xxxi/.  Google results also yield one another publication reviewing this current season published on medium that has been taken by for violating medium rules. Will the Simpsons be coming for me next? 

Skip this episode! Judging by the synopsis of the season’s next ep finding the Simpsons, once again, finding themselves somewhere other than Springfield is looking to be another skippable entry. I want to be proven wrong! The latter day Simpsons seasons usually have a memorable or decent episode here or there. So far the only thing remarkable about this season is how much it wants to try to be different and think outside of the Springfield box but in the process give the season an overwhelming sense of hollowness. I shall forge ahead with my coverage, because I am either a masochist or a sadist depending on the weather. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #262

WoW will probably start to take over my life again tomorrow oof so expect surveys to slow down some.

What do you wish people wouldn't call you? The only one I don't really like is Girt calling me "kid." He doesn't mean it in a derogatory way or anything like that; he's just always called me that since I was a high school freshman and he was a senior. Now as an adult that's been through things I don't believe anyone deserves, it's kinda weird but more so frustrating as, regardless of his intentions, I somewhat feel belittled. I've never said anything directly about my discomfort, though, so it's my own fault. I just don't want to make him feel bad for doing it for years lmao. What do people say about your name upon learning it for the first time? They don't say anything; my name is very ordinary. Why did you choose the hair length you have? I have a few reasons. The biggest is because I was just bored of average, long hair, and the fact I was at the time having a very hard time with self-care. My hair would get incredibly knotted to where it was hard to even brush it sometimes. Makes me shiver thinking back on it. For my own sanity and ease, it needed to be gone. Also, with how STUPID hot I get, cutting it all off helped with the weight of my hair (it's v thick) but more importantly how hot it made me it the warm months. Zero regrets chopping it all off, omg. If your hair could be ANY color, what would you pick? At this very moment, I really want silver hair. Do you wish your hair was longer or shorter than it is now? It needs a trim. Do you think you're attractive? (It's okay to say yes =P) No; I think I wouldn't look ALL to bad if I lost some more weight (I've literally been on a weight loss plateau for two fuckin years). When I was perfectly healthy, I didn't think I was very pretty even back then, but now that I look back, I feel I was decently pretty. Not gorgeous, but. What is your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne. :') What is your favorite movie? The Lion King. The second one is like directly behind it. Finding Nemo is also very precious to me. What is your favorite book or magazine? The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton and Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. What is your favorite song? Ugh, this is impossible. I love way way too many. I suppose maybe... "Death Inc." by Motionless In White? Idk. What is your favorite color to wear? Black, duh. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? South Africa because I want to spend time with and take pictures at the Kalahari Meerkat Project and especially pet a Whiskers meerkat. I WILL cry. Meerkats literally changed my life. So many people I wouldn't know... If you got the chance and wouldn't get caught, would you cheat on a lover? NOOOOO the guilt though. Someone drops a fifty dollar bill and doesn't notice. Will you tell them? Definitely. I'd feel awful otherwise. Would you ever pierce something on your face? I already have my lip and tongue pierced, and I did have my nostril pierced, too. I want more, particularly an undereye microdermal if I can switch to contacts... which I don't like. I think it'd look pretty dumb with glasses. Are you selfish? EVERYONE should be to a degree depending on the occasion. Doing what is best for you is not a bad thing. Are you mean to people who are different from you? Wow no. I find people "different" from me interesting. Do you make fun of obese people? By the BMI definition, I am one of those people. So take a guess? Do you eat when you're upset? I have to fight that extremely hard, because I usually do experience the impulse to comfort eat when I'm very depressed. I've gotten way better at it, though. What if you had to choose between feeding yourself or feeding your pets? I honestly don't know for sure what I'd do... but I think I would prioritize my pets, honestly. It would break me to watch them suffer and lose weight. What if you saw someone being beaten on the street? YOOOO I READ THIS AS "EATEN" FIRST. But anyway I'd call the cops ASAP. There's a possibility I'd intervene if I felt myself capable of taking on the assailant. What if it was you being beaten? According to the night terrors I've had beyond count, curse like a motherfucker and fight back while calling for help. Who's the most important person to you (related)? Mom. Who's the most important person to you (non-related)? Sara. What's more important to you, happiness or success? Happiness. What's more important to you, your happiness or someone else's? Depends on the person. List the ten most important things to you: Oh, yikes. No order: 1.) My peace of mind, health, and happiness; 2.) my family; 3.) my pets; 4.) my career future; 5.) my friends; 6.) a YouTuber I've never met lmao; 7.) my pebble from my partial hospitalization program; 8.) Teddy's ashes; 9.) the Mark mug Sara gave me sobs; 10.) and the RP site I'm on. Like if it disappeared tomorrow with all the profiles and history and stuff I would break the earth in half oof. Have you ever lived in a mobile home? No. Have you ever had your bedroom in a basement? No. How many times in the past week have you eaten fast food? Hm. I don't think once. In the house - shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet? Bare feet.\ Do you consider dogs inside or outside pets? Usually indoor, depending on the breed and the time of year. What’s your favourite piece of furniture in your house? ig my bed? Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s parent? Yikes no. Do you prefer carbonated or uncarbonated drinks? Sucker for carbonated over here. Favorite thing that you can see up in the sky? A full moon. Would you rather eat at the table or in your room? I'm so used to eating in my room. Do you like the sound of birds singing when you wake up, or is it annoying? I love it. If someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it? I'd love to, but it'd really be my mom's choice. What’s your ideal activity for a rainy day? Nap oh lawd. Favorite type of cracker? Cheez-Its. Banana sandwich... yum or yuck? Only yum with peanut butter. Animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out: Spiders. Bagels or English Muffins? Bagels. Do you like to daydream about sex? I do it sometimes. Which of your parents do you laugh more with? My dad is really funny. Have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral? Wake, yes. Who mows the lawn at your house? A family friend. Have you ever written a story from beginning to end? When I was little and was writing that meerkat story, yes. I started on the sequel but didn't get far. What’s a big turn on for you? Being genuinely interested in what makes me me. Actually wanting to know the littlest things about me. Just show sincere interest. Are you doing anything tomorrow? I do know I'm fuckin finally getting my laptop home. Does your car have a name? N/A Do you own clothes from any celebrity clothing lines? No, but a bitch is getting a Cloak shirt or hoodie at some point. Who was the last person you ranted about? My bitch of a cousin for being a disrespectful fuck when all my dying grandmother wants is to talk as a group with the whole family. I ranted to Mom though, not in the group chat because I'm actually mature enough to not talk shit when, again, all our grandma wants is peace and love between us at the end of her life. I was SEETHING. Know any magic tricks? I don't remember any. I LOOOOOVED those magic kits as a kid, though. Is there music in your head right now? Right now "Dirty Pretty" by In This Moment is on, so does that count as "in my head?" Would you like to become a dancer? It'd be very cool, most certainly, and due to taking dance classes so long, I tend to think of potential dances in my head when I hear like... any song, lol. I'd love to be one if I had the grace and endurance + no hyperhydrosis. Name one person of the same sex as you you wouldn't mind doing: Hunny I'm bisexual, there's a lot, lmao. Dream woman? Uhhhh. Maybe my friend Alon. She was like one of my first hints I wasn't straight, lmao. But idk, I find soooo many women to be attractive. What is the most gory film you've seen? One of the Saw movies. What a surprise, ik. Ever fallen down a hole? ZOINKS no. Do you work better in a clean or messy environment? Clean, durr. Do you know any vegans? Only online. Do you like bananas? I am VERY picky with bananas. They have to be perfect. My preferred ripeness lasts only like, two days. .-. What's a film you've seen that confused you? Oh boy, idk. I don't watch many films... especially if I'm confused and the plot isn't great, I'll stop watching. WAIT!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! I went to see Warcraft when it came out and I was so fuckin lost just because the orcs' voices are so goddamn deep that I just sat there like "uhhhh sir come again????" I didn't play Classic, and I'm not great at remembering every aspect of the plot, so. I'm to this day p confused lmao. Do you ever wear black lipstick? I really only ever wear black. What is next to your bed? I have a white shelf to my left where I put my meds, a drink, the fan... that kind of stuff. My cat's food bowl is to the right of it on the floor. Are your fingernails dirty? Nope. Have you ever fell for someone believing you could "fix" them? Not for that reason, no. Describe a picture of yourself that you hate: LASKJDLKFJAOWJE my friend took a picture of me eating a hot dog once and joked she was putting that shit on Facebook and it was funny as shit but thank Christ she was in fact joking. Would you rather play a good or an evil character in a play? While I'd love to be the evil one, I'd probably make it too cheesy because I am a BAD actress. Has anybody ever lied to you just to impress you? Story of one of my "best" friendships. What's your favourite shade of blue? Baby blue, probs. Can you remember a world before iPods? I do indeed. On rides to school when I sat in the back, I would bring one of those portable CD players with me to play discs. Where did you go on your last date? I can't remember the place's name... Lume's? Something like that? Breakfast place in Illinois. Do people find you "cute"? It happens sometimes. Who does the best remixes? Oh idk, I don't pay much attention to this. Where do you get your news? Facebook, lmao. What social stigma does society need to get over? What DOESN'T it need to get over???? What was the last photo you took? Probably something funny on Facebook to send to Sara lmao. I will get memes to her some way. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed? As badly as I want to say dragons, I don't think it'd be a great idea, heh... Maybe dryads. What are you interested in that most people aren't? As of recently, TARANTULAS. I've fallen in LOVE with them. What's the most ridiculous thing you have bought? No clue. What sounds hit you with major nostalgia every time you hear them? The gem collecting sound from Spyro. It was my text ringtone on my last phone! I need to move it over to my current one. What was the biggest realization you have had about yourself? I was possibly the bigger villain than Jason in the breakup. But idk. What topic could you spend forever talking about? Gay rights. Which way should toilet paper hang, over or under? In the original patent, it was designed as going over. GMM knowledge. Therefore I find over as correct, BUT I ultimately don't care like... at all. I don't even really notice when I go in the bathroom. Are you usually early or late? Usually slightly early. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics so I could be a more helpful member of society alksdjfka;lw What is the most annoying question you've been asked? It's not really like, annoying I guess, but the closest would be just how frequently people see my lip ring and ask if it hurt. It's incredibly sensitive skin, and even if it wasn't, a needle went all the way through it. Like... guess. News flash: being stabbed hurts, lmao. Like I always explain that it's not awful, but duh, there is pain. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Yummm chocolate. What was the worst phase in your life? 2020 thinks it's a bad guy, but lemme tell ya, shit's got nothing on 2016. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? I hate sprinkles on anything. Just an annoying texture with negligible flavor. The last time you went out to eat - what did you order? It was just a milkshake. Do you have all 32 teeth? I'm missing two wisdom teeth that just never grew in. Do you know how to do the moon walk? Never tried. What is one of your favorite comedy movies? White Chicks. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yeah. I don't think I do. Onion rings or french fries? Fries. Not an onion ring fan. Who is the best cook that you know? Sara's mom is great, omgggg. She's cooked things I generally don't like yet I wound up enjoying. Can you name 3 different dinosaurs? Let's see: Spinosaurus, stegosaurus, velociraptor. I was a dino kid, man, just gettin' started. *finger guns* What's the largest amount that you can juggle at one time? I can’t juggle. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? I'd daaaash for the swingset. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much? Ummm I think 6-something pounds? 7? Where do you spend most of your time at? At home. In my bed. Exciting stuff, y'know. What noise does your favorite animal make? If my memory serves me right, they have over 40 vocalizations, but I'd say barking and chirping are the most ordinary/basic. Have you ever fallen in the toilet when you were little? lol I don't think so. What is the best kind of mac & cheese? I'm a basic-ass Velveeta bitch lmao. Who is your favorite oldies band? Boy oh BOY, you're asking a classic rock/metal addict. Of course it's Ozzy tho. But I love soooo many!! What is your favorite farm animal? Pigs! Do you like to play Monopoly? I'm not a big fan, no. What is the most fun restaurant you have ever been to? I like the vibe of Buffalo Wild Wings. Or I just have good memories there. What size bra do you wear? I'm actually not sure. I haven't bought new ones in a while and I don't think the ones I currently have are the right size anyway. Do you have a ceiling fan in your room? No. Who was your favorite Sesame Street character? I don't remember too well, but I think Cookie Monster? What about Muppet? Idr. What was going through your mind during the presidential campaign? I am sadly paying no attention. What do you think of the Duggar family ( 17+ kids )? Could you handle taking care of that many children? Ew, hell no. I don't believe the number of children warranted in a family should be legally monitored, it's much more difficult than that, BUT RATHER I'm very firm about knowing when it's more than enough. Population control is a thing. NOBODY needs that many kids imo, not even close to that. So far, what is the number one, best decision you have ever made? How has it affected your life? Letting go of Jason/accepting life without him. It has made my life much, much brighter and healthier. Have you reunited with any old friends recently? Was it awkward, or just like old times? No. When was the last time you talked to your first ex? February of 2017. Wow... been a long time. How different is your online personality from your offline personality? I am MUCH more outgoing and talkative online. What are your favorite holiday-themed movies? Jim Carrey's How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Hocus Pocus, The Nightmare Before Christmas, etc... Do you listen to Christmas/winter-themed music when the season comes around? No. Is there anything that you do that’s potentially controversial? Yes. What is your most recent obsession? Most recent, whew, tarantulas. I'm really gonna try talking Mom into letting me get one when/if we move. Do you say ��merry Christmas” or “happy holidays”? To you, does it really matter which one is said/you say? Do you do your best to remain politically correct? Instinctually, I say "merry Christmas;" that's what has always been said around me. I personally see zero problem in calling it whatever... Like just appreciate someone wishing you well. You get the concept, and that's all you really need imo. As for political correctness, I'm kinda... down the middle? Like I feel it's been taken way, way too far, but I see some caution in wording as wise. If you could relive one week of your life, which would it be, and why? Would you do anything differently, or keep it all the same? Ugh, my first visit at Sara's. I just loved it so, so much. I think I wouldn't change a thing. It felt perfect. Is there a part of your life you wish you could remember, but can’t? Sometimes when I take these surveys and they ask "how old were you when...", ha ha. Frustrates me. What was the last thing/event to trigger a painful memory? It was last night, actually. The Final Fantasy VII remake is out, and I started watching a YouTuber I like play it. Jason got me to play the original, playing it a lot when we spent time together, but I only got a bit beyond half-way through before my PS3 broke. Cherished memories, so it was decently triggering indeed. I loved the game though and ABSOLUTELY want to see it played out in its entirety, so I shoved past the pain and am glad I did. Now I'm anxiously awaiting the next video aljkdsjfawe Y'ALL I wanna play more FF. What do you think of people that choose not to vote? I can't say anything, seeing as I never have voted before... Are you keeping anything from the people you love? Nothing important, no. Have you ever written a suicide note, whether joking or not? Yes, and that stupid novel is one of my biggest regrets. Who the FUCK would joke about that, though. When was the last time you let something ‘go to your head’? Not even like an hour ago. This happens allllll the time. When are you most likely to show off? Maaan Guitar Hero used to be good for that shit, ha ha. I was an expert at that back in its day. I haven't played it in forever, and on the rare occasion I do, I am suuuper rusty. Which would you prefer: spectacular view of the ocean, or of the mountains? MOUNTAINS!!!!!! Do you follow any dating rules/play any dating games? No. When was the last time you felt extremely confident about something? ME????????? CONFIDENT???????????? WHAT A CONCEPT!!!!!!!!!! When was the last time you blew the seeds off of a dandelion? Wow, not a clue. Probably not since we lived at my old house and I would go on walks down the path. What was the last thing that happened that you couldn’t explain? Oh I dunno. What do you do with all of your spare change? I just keep it in my wallet. Where did you hear about your all-time favorite band? He was and still is one of my mom's favorites! How many cans of soda do you drink in a day? AHHHHHH soda is my biggest nutritional weakness. I refuse to let myself drink more than one a day now though. It's funny and disgusting, when I was HEALTHY AND SKINNY I could on a rare occasion start a fourth can in a single day. Nowadays the thought almost makes me shiver. What is the oldest thing that you own? and the newest? The oldest thing, ummm. Not sure. Probably a stuffed animal in the attic. I just got two new books today! Is there anything you wish you had never found out about? Yep. A number of things. What is something that you refuse to believe in? Astrology. What is something you wish more people believed in? Gay rights. What food is your ultimate comfort food? Ice cream. Have you ever put anything inside a time capsule? What? OMGGGG I remember doing this in elementary school as a class! I don't recall what was in it, though. Is there too much violence on tv, or are people to sensitive? Too sensitive, but also negligent. It's got a lot to do with raising, imo. Don't show kids wild shit at too young of an age, and when they are shown this kind of stuff, you make it obvious that the behavior/content is unacceptable irl. Entertainment is not responsible for someone's shitty actions made with their own volition. What is something you used to fear, but no longer do? My first huge fear was thunderstorms. Now I enjoy them lol. Do you think it’s important to know a 2nd language? Not mandatory, no. Especially depends on if you're going anywhere. Do you know anyone that’s just naturally good at almost everything? My old friend Hannia IMMEDIATELY came to mind. She was the best in class GPA-wise, first chair for flute in band, and just in general STUPID talented. Do you know anyone that’s just bad at everything? BITCH ME What is one emoticon you use often? A sarcastic :^) or <3 What is one emoticon you almost never use? A lot, particularly ones with equal signs for eyes.

[x---an--othered--another---x]

this is about the first woman that broke me.

CW // parental abuse, neglect, family trauma, conversion therapy, body dysmorphia, christianity

Dear "Mom".....

This is everything I want to tell you, and too terrified to speak.

I know you will never understand.

You and Dad always used to speak about how my arrival to the world was with purpose. Unlike my older brother, I was the baby that was planned, because he always wanted a little girl. Unfortunately, now, we understand why. But we aren't here to speak about him -- not yet, anyway.

In childhood, I remember my anxious attachment with you. When out of my sight, it was not unusual for me to cry or scream for you. I found life without you to be vile and fearful. I was also terrified that you would never come back to me.

I loved you so deeply. I needed you even more. I always wanted my mom. I felt emotionally empty and confused without her... perhaps, to a point that could be considered "abnormal". I don't know how it started. I just felt it, and too such an overwhelming capacity, even for a small child. Mama's boy in the making.

Sometimes -- many times, actually -- you did leave me quite perplexed, to say the absolute least. When in good spirits, you were perfect; a loving, nurturing, kind, and thoughtful existence, capable of soothing and comforting my deepest woe or worry. It was not unlike you to occasionally spoil me, be it with gifts, snacks, quality time, or simply your positive attention. Your laughter could put a soft smile on my face, and, beside of you, I felt not only loved and cared for, but also, whole. It was a fullness I could never achieve through anything or anyone else. I understood this early in life.

In retrospection, it is phases like this that make me ashamed of my burning resentment for you.

Because, what the rest never knew, is that this was never you, all the time. I firmly believe it is who you wanted to be, and even who you still hope to be -- maybe even believe that you already are. Perhaps, you tried your best.

But, I cannot forget this.

There is a special kind of self-blame that comes with looking into the same eyes that once bore an adoring gaze for you, and, suddenly, watching them fill with what could only be described as unbridled hatred and loathing in your anxious direction. To be sharing a warm embrace for one moment, to finding it impossible to look up at that twisted, angry expression so soon after. Regardless of what you intended, I need you to know that I was legitimately scared of you, in such moments. If looks could kill, I would have been dead by age 10.

Of course, this is much more than just an uncomfortable stare that I am so disturbed by when I reflect upon the past we shared. Whether you will ever accept this or not is irrelevant, because, in the end, this is the truth: You physically assaulted me, and more than once. When you caught me telling my friends about this, you gaslighted me into believing that it was 110% my fault, that I triggered your explosive rage and therefore deserved this. If not this specific approach, you would only convince me that I was grossly exaggerating, or that it never even happened to begin with. If you happened to ever be reading this, I am positive you would do it, again.

Let's get specific, lest you then make the bold claim that I am engaging in an infamous "fake accusation" -- the abuser's favorite go-to line. I first remember an instance when I was 12: I got into the car after school with sharpie markings on my arms, because my friends wanted to playfully draw on me, and I told them they could do so. I had no reason to suspect that this would be some horribly upsetting event in your eyes; you had never even mentioned to me that this kind of thing was a problem, at all.

Your response? You took me to the nearest grocery store parking lot, parked as far away from the doors and other cars as possible, and proceeded to punch me. Granted, it was my thigh, sometimes my arm, but it was with as much force as you could muster in that moment, and you did it repeatedly. I was in legitimate shock, and, for one of the first times in regards to you, I flinched. I cowered. I cried, and I asked you to stop. You did, only to continue to verbally tear into me. By this point, I was too stressed out being in a car with you to even hear what you were saying to me.

You never apologized for this.

While this was not the first time you had taken out your tantrum on me -- physically or emotionally -- I can confidently say that this was the day I knew I could never trust you. From this day forward, my every move and word would be calculated. I would learn to hide everything from you, which, eventually, led to hiding everything from everyone I ever knew.

You laugh when you tell us the story of how I would "vomit on command" when you would spank me as a toddler. I obviously do not remember this, as I was between two and four years old, at the time. I thank whatever deity helped me forget this, because I have since digested how actually fucked up what you always described really is.

"You would get into trouble, and I would spank you, and you started puking to make me stop," you would say with a giggle and a smile. "So I got to where I would just hold you over the porch when I did, so you would puke over the ledge instead of the floor."

Mom, do you understand that what you were punishing with such callous ferocity was my trauma response to your husband grooming and molesting me?

Nevermind the "where were you when it happened" speech -- why were you beating the shit out of me when I showed that behavior (which, by the way, is concerning as shit)? Why were you beating the shit out of me AT ALL?

And why, even now, do you tell the story with such a sadistic giddiness about you?

Moving on. I can harp forever on the chronic, neverending shame, despair, and animalistic fear that came with the fanatic Southern Baptist family dynamic -- or, those jarring, unexpected alternations in your ability to provide me with healthy love and emotional substance. However, the abuse really kicked up a notch once I reached puberty, which, I was unfortunately old enough to internalize, and therefore remember later into my adult life.

I couldn't count how many times you body-shamed me. Called me ugly, made "jokes" about my chest and ass, jumped on me the second my leg hair became visible to you. I remember those acne pills you insisted I start taking, because you were so worried that I would get scars all over my face from the intense breakouts. You loved the idea of me wearing make-up, but if I wore it my way over yours, then I just looked "evil" and "scary". You always hated how much I hated skirts and dresses.

It was as if my own body did not belong to me. Nothing I wanted to do with it was ever good enough for you. I was not allowed the control over my self-expression, my appearance, my whole vessel. You only wanted it to be yours to control and manipulate. Why?

And let's not forget your obsession with my hair. Good fucking god, Mom, your preoccupation with my beauty (of lack thereof) was so not fucking normal. I remember all the times you forced me to have my long hair cut into a dumb bob, because "it's not like you're gonna style it, anyway, what does it matter?" I remember sobbing the first time, and you did not emote in response, whatsoever. Or when I did not take a shower on Christmas Eve night, and you got mad at me because my hair was "too greasy". What was the response to that one? Oh, right. You "accidentally" caught my ear in the flat iron, after sloppily and angrily clamping the hair you were attempting to straighten for me.

On Christmas morning. I was seriously mortified. Inconsolable.

I became desensitized to my looks quite quickly, as I had internalized and accepted the fact that you so kindly graced me with. It became a finalized concept to me that I was irredeemably disgusting to look at and would never be called beautiful by anyone in my life. As true to myself as the grass was green. You made sure I knew this. My friends were always a threat to both of you for a reason. God help you should I tell them. God help you should I experience genuine love from another person.

As if this weren't enough, fast forward to the days I began to realize my queerness. I came out to the first person, and I felt nothing but freedom and euphoria. I became addicted and kept on telling others. I wanted to be known, to be seen, as me.

Living in a small town, it, of course, did not take long for the pastor and his wife to receive notice that their child was openly coming out of the closet to everyone but them.

Cue the fuckin' war drums, here, because I fear that words will simply never do.

When you stole my phone to rummage through my texts, you saw that I had also come out to my aunt -- the only family member I could count on to be supportive, at that time. You responded to her with a short text:

"Never talk to [000] again."

And she never did.

She died, two years later.

She, too, never got to know me. It was out of my control. I will never forgive you for this, and I mean that, genuinely.

In those two years, I covertly dated behind your back. Despite that you had taken my only source of external contact -- just in time for summer break -- and made extreme attempts to isolate me so that only direct family could access me... we stayed together. It was so very strained, but all I wanted was love. In the midst of "voluntary" conversion therapy, I needed it more than anything. I could quite literally have died without it.

My grades naturally dropped through these months of pretending I could be cured of my diseased attraction, which was met with force, as usual. Anything but an A, or a high B on the report card, and I may as well have shot someone in the streets. By now, it did not matter, to me. I was so fucking dead inside, by now. You broke me. At this point, you could have gutted me with a knife, and I would have barely reacted. I felt like nothing, so much so that I became no one, at all.

But hey. At least ya'll felt better.

Only, you didn't. The divorce came mere months following these events. I had never been so happy to see a relationship fail in my life. I should have been sad, but I knew this would be my ticket back into a normal life. You would finally fuck off, and I could just be a human being with no judge or critic looming over me every waking moment of my life. Maybe now, finally, I could live a life that wasn't graded. I didn't have to be godly -- perfect -- anymore.

You never knew this, but I will say, the way I became aware of this news was a lot less exciting. Through another restless night, I snuck to the kitchen for a snack. Your bedroom door was closed. The light remained beneath the doorway. You were fighting. Unfortunately, it was not that uncommon for you two to bicker, so I, for the most part, tuned it all out.

That's when the punching started. Your voices went momentarily silent, as if confused or stolen. Only the muffled, gutteral growls on occasion emitted from behind that closed door, between was sounded like the intentional, rage-induced smacking of skin.

I could only use my imagination.

In my mind, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that our father was beating the shit out of you. Cue dissociation. The only emotion left inside of me was anger, similarly.

I grabbed a knife. I had no idea what I wanted to do about this, but I wanted to be ready, just in case. And I sat outside that door, and listened to this physical exchange intently, clutching my kitchen knife by the handle, ready to do... whatever.

It was after I heard his annoyed pleading of "stop, stop it" and your hissing "who is she" that I finally had an accurate picture in my mind of what was happening just a few feet behind me.

I went to my room. I tried to call my brother, but he was asleep, as this was all going on at around 3AM. I called my best friend, who had to also go shortly into the call. I laid in my bed, alone and afraid to a point of triggered regression. I slept with the knife under my pillow, just in case.

I pretended not to hear it, the next morning. I never told you. I had no idea what to think or feel, and I did not want you to influence those things for me. Long story short, you both were over, and, honestly, I was celebrating that shit. Even as you mourned it for months on end. I was burnt out of sympathy. I only wanted to be free.

Things slowly improved once dad was removed from the household, but, by then, it was far too late. I could sense you attempting to connect with me, to withhold your emotional reactions toward me, to engage with me and approach me with adult kindness. I entertained your efforts for a while under the guise that I may finally experience a loving, motherly relationship. I have since discovered that there are still so many things etched in this old stone that no act of kindness will ever undo, that I cannot move on from, because you still never apologized, or even acknowledged that you were anything below a great mother whatsoever. In all fairness, would it even matter to me if you did, anymore?

This does not even cover all of those miseries passed down from you to me. Between trashing my drawings because they weren't holy enough for you, assuming me stupid when I couldn't pass math with flying colors, always reassuring me that my friends would never fully love me, and ESPECIALLY not like you did, and so much more..... this relationship was doomed from the start.

And I am tired of blaming myself for not wanting to see you, anymore.

Every time I speak with you, I feel gutted and anxious. The persistent sense of powerlessness and insignificance comes back full force, as if no amount of years has separated me from your dysregulated emotions, whatsoever. When I know we have to engage, I am assaulted with cluster migraines, and my mouth is sewn shut. I take on another person around you, even now, because I have no reason not to assume that you are no longer capable of that kind of mistreatment.

Afterall, it still does not exist to you, does it?

Nobody saw it. I was too small to be my own advocate. No family or church members would ever believe me. Even if they did, they would tell you. You even successfully convinced me, for so many years, that I am the one being to hard on YOU for these things.

Mom. You were the god damn adult.

It is not up to a child to control you emotions for you.

The saddest part of all of this, is that... I am still anxiously attached.

Your favorite way to punish me as a kid was the silent treatment. Sometimes, it would go on for days. In those periods of time, I really thought you would never love me or speak to me, again. I blame this for my inability to cope with separation from those I love even still.

As fucked as you may be, that space is still a vacancy. The absence still hurts. The abandonment feels so unbelievably eternal.

I am sure you sense my distance. I am absolutely breadcrumbing you; I admit it. I will respond to your daily texts maybe once or twice a week, because it is all that I can handle, anymore. It is arguable whether or not even that is not setting me back. In all honesty, I want to be rid of you, entirely.

But... that's retaliation, isn't it?

I guess I never learned how to do that.

Or, maybe, I am still so fucking scared of you.

Whatever it may be, I know in my core that I am better off without you. But, how do I communicate this to you? How do I shamelessly become the thing I hated so much? How do I do that to someone? How do I abandon another person knowing just how much it hurts to be on that other side?

And why am I the only one who seems to ask themselves this question, here?

I cannot keep dismissing these pains. They not only haunt me in a way that feels so self-conjured, but they pave the path for me to enable similar behaviors within myself, to fall in love with that same violent smile in another person.

To normalize the abuse.

I simply will not do this.

Dear "Mom".....

While unquestionably the better parent, you are not a good one, yourself. I long for a day where I can comfortably address this with you. I fear that this is only a product of my waking dream.

I need to wake up.

Whether or not I ever say goodbye in the flesh, I have far beyond said it in my heart and mind.

Please. Give a shit.

Beyond surface level.

For once.

Sincerely,

000

P.S. You never wanted a little girl. You only wanted a pet. Accept that.

[dazzledbybooks]

Ever since her mother walked out, Trix McCabe has been determined to make it on her own. And with her near-magical gift for pulling valuables off unsuspecting strangers, Trix is confident she has what it takes to survive. Until she’s caught and given a choice: jail time, or go live with her long-lost family in the tiny town of Rocksaw, Kansas. Trix doesn’t plan to stick around Rocksaw long, but there’s something special about her McCabe relatives that she is drawn to. Her aunt, Mia, bakes pies that seem to cure all ills. Her cousin, Ember, can tell a person’s deepest secret with the touch of a hand. And Trix’s great-aunt takes one look at Trix’s palm and tells her that if she doesn’t put down roots somewhere, she won’t have a future anywhere. Before long, Trix feels like she might finally belong with this special group of women in this tiny town in Kansas. But when her past comes back to haunt her, she’ll have to decide whether to take a chance on this new life . . . or keep running from the one she’s always known. With lovable and flawed characters, an evocative setting, and friendships to treasure, A Constellation of Roses is the perfect companion to Miranda Asebedo’s debut novel The Deepest Roots. A Constellation of Roses by Miranda Asebedo Publisher: HarperTeen Release Date: November 5th 2019 Genre: Young Adult Contemporary Book Links: Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41021973-a-constellation-of-roses Amazon: https://amzn.to/31zyTR2 Bookdepository: https://www.bookdepository.com/Constellation-Roses-Miranda-Asebedo/9780062747105?ref=grid-view&qid=1568883944503&sr=1-1 B&N: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-constellation-of-roses-miranda-asebedo/1129473584#/ Google Books:  https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/A_Constellation_of_Roses.html?id=TBb9wQEACAAJ&redir_esc=y iTunes: https://books.apple.com/us/book/a-constellation-of-roses/id1451488194 Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/hk/en/ebook/a-constellation-of-roses Favorite Quotes: "Fortune telling isn't a science. It's an art. And sometimes art is messy." “When I remove my hands from my face I see that he’s grinning too. That scar pulls at his eye, and that’s when I realize that it only does that sometimes when he smiles, not every time. I don’t know why, but this seems important." “Scars tell a story, even when we don’t want them to.” "How do I stay active when I have frequent bladder leaks?" "I can run away as easily as I have all the times before. I slipped up going back to the starlight. I won't make that mistake again." “It’s both beautiful and frightening to feel like you’re being seen, truly, for the first time.” “All I know is that it’s the good memories that cut the deepest, because those are the ones where you remember what you’ve lost.” “I earn my money now. I don’t steal it. You don’t steal from a town where you mean to put down roots.” “I’ve been invisible for months at a time while I was drifting, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let someone make me feel that way on purpose.” Review: A Constellation of Roses by Miranda Asebedo is such a good book. I really enjoyed this one. Trix McCabe is a 17 year old girl who is gifted with being able to pick pocket without ever raising suspicion. She has been living in a motel ever since her mother left. She pays for this motel with cash every week. Her life is not great. It isn't even good. Drug addicts and johns visit this place all the time. The last thing that Trix feels is safe or loved. Everything is better than being back in the foster system. One day Trix is picked up by the cops and she has a choice to make. She can go to jail or she can move in with her long lost relatives in the middle of nowhere. Trix chooses not to go to jail. On top of everything these women has magical gifts. Trix has no idea what she got herself into. I thought the magical realism in this book was so good. Asebedo did such a great job with this concept of secret special magical gifts. This story has a lot of raw emotions and I really needed that in a book right now. I felt like this was such a beautiful story that focused on family and forgiveness. Trix has such a heartbreaking story and I am glad that Asebedo was able to tell it. Even though this book handles several heavier and difficult issues, Asebedor handled it was grace. I thought she did a great job making sure there was still hope in the book. Plus the humor helped. I can't get enough of this book. You should definitley check it out. Excerpt: Chapter 1 My hand slips into the woman’s gaping purse like it’s my own. Fingers nimble and sure on her wallet, I brush against her as if I am just impatient to get through the crowds of people milling around in the Eastside Mall. It’s not hard to do. Everyone here is in a rush to get to the next big sale. That’s why I always pick this place. And because it’s lightly patrolled by burly security guards who stand idly outside upscale department stores and watch for the wolves among the placid, woolly shoppers. My touch is only the softest graze against the woman; she doesn’t even notice. Before I can inhale a full breath of her expen- sive perfume, I’m gone, her billfold in hand. I stuff it into my beat-up bag and lose myself in the throngs of people. This is the third wallet tonight, and by the glimpse of the designer insignia, I’m guessing that I can retire for the evening. I only need enough to cover the week at the motel and maybe something to eat a couple times a day. I steal just enough to get by. No more, no less. I follow the stream of other shoppers as they trickle out of the mall, but when they go to the parking garage to load up their Mer- cedes and their BMWs, I pull on my hood and walk into the wind. It’s barely September, but lately the evenings are cool enough to make me hope I remembered to turn the radiator on low before I left the motel. One of the security guards making the rounds in the parking lot briefly scrutinizes a girl with a black hoodie and ripped jeans and says something into his walkie-talkie, but I don’t worry about him. You see, I’ve got a gift. Once I watched a movie about this little boy who could heal people with his hands. They said he had “a gift from God.” I’ve never seen God, and from the few times I prayed with the pious foster mom whose husband whipped me with a belt when I spilled juice on their new carpet, it became clear to me that if there was a God, he didn’t see me, either. But my gift is okay, too, regardless of where it came from. My hands are swift, undetectable. I was born a thief. I’m sure there are more people out there like me. Some strange twist of DNA giving us gifts like perfect pitch or immor- tal cells or quick hands or even healing ones. I don’t think I was chosen or found worthy. I think I’m just damn lucky. Sometimes for fun I like to watch the security-camera footage at the bodega next to the Happy Host. I wander in the aisles, loading up, barely a shadow on the screen above the register, just someone in a hoodie with her hands firmly in her pockets. No one sees a thing. Ever. I catch a city bus on the next block, careful not to meet the eyes of the other commuters as we make our way to the west side of town. Sure, most of these people are the unseen—the busboys, the cleaning ladies, the trash collectors. But a few are thieves and pickpockets like me, and they’re on their way home, some licking their lips and others licking their wounds. I want to blend in with the unseen. Nothing in my bag but minimum wage and an empty lunch box, not stolen rent money. Instead I stare at the sturdy shoes of the older couple sitting across from me, their clasped hands resting between them on the vinyl seat. I get my sketchbook from my bag and begin to draw those hands with stolen pencils. Sketching my surroundings is something I’ve done since I was old enough to notice the shadows moving from the small split in the curtains of whatever motel room I was living in, some desperate admiration for the way dark and light give depth and meaning to everything. I use short, scratchy strokes to show the way the couple’s fingers intertwine, nicks on the knuckles where the dry, red skin has split. There’s something beautiful about the way her hands look as rough and cracked as his, so you can’t tell which hand belongs to which person. I like the bus because it makes me feel connected to other people, sharing their stories, even if only for a little while. But eventually, I always remember that I am still alone, and I close my sketchbook and watch the street signs for my destination. I get off at the dark stop two blocks away from the Starlite Motel. Keeping my head down and walking quickly, I ignore the voices and laughter from the doorways and the parking lots I pass. I don’t want to buy anything, and I’m not selling, either. As I get closer, I see that the motel sign says NO VACANCY, which means that the ladies who are my neighbors are probably working. Mom used to work with them sometimes, too, when we lived here. Until she said she was going to get a pack of cigarettes one August afternoon and never came back. That was a little over a year ago, in one of those brief, hopeful lulls when she said she was going to get clean again. I’ve been a lot of places since she left, but I keep drifting back here. I guess because it’s familiar. When I get to the Starlite, there are a lot of cars in the parking lot. It’s Friday, and men do stupid things with their paychecks. I stop at room 7 and, looking over my shoulder, I pull my keys out of my pocket. Once I’m inside, I immediately lock the door behind me and do a quick inspection of the room. I am alone. Mel, the night manager, has kind of a soft spot for the kids who live here, and that’s why he lets me rent a room even though I’m by myself and not eighteen. There aren’t many of us at the Starlite. Me, Charly, and the Quinter twins. Charly shares room 11 with her mom, and Janie Quinter, barely older than me, and her twins are one door down in room 12. The twins are little, though, and usually Charly watches them when their mom is working. Shane used to live here, too. I dump the wallets out on the queen bed. The coverlet is a faded floral print, and it sort of matches the brown carpet and the yellowed curtains. I thumb through my haul, checking every pos- sible pocket for cash that might be hidden. I peel out carefully folded, clean bills. That’s what I like about rich people. Even their money smells better. There’s three hundred seven dollars. Sighing in relief, I clutch the crisp cash to my chest. It’s enough to pay for another week at the Starlite and food for a while. Not a bad night at all. I take half the money and cram it into the jar I keep in the toilet tank, careful to screw the lid back on tightly so my stash doesn’t get wet. No one ever thinks to look in the toilet tank. They always look under the mattress, in the top drawers of the dresser, the cupboard in the corner. I shove the other half of the money into my pocket to pay the rent. The stolen billfolds go in the metal trash can I’ve designated as the burn trash. There’s a small outdoor grill behind the Starlite, and I burn everything but money. I’m not stupid. Credit cards, IDs: those are traceable. I only take the cash. Marie leaves the bot- tle of lighter fluid out there. Who knows what the young, pretty maid burns, but I’m not alone in my activities. My stomach growls. I check the small clock that hangs above the kitchenette area. Calling it a kitchen is a little extravagant when it’s really only a hot plate and a bathroom sink with a dish drainer next to it. I should’ve stopped at the QuikMart to grab a bite on the way home, but it was late, and I knew I should get back before Mel started playing cards with the old man who lives in room 2. Once they start drinking, it’s hard to say if my rent will make it into the till or into the game. I hesitate by the door. I don’t want to go all the way back to the QuikMart, so I do something nice for myself. I order a pizza. Not a cheap one, either. I order one of those deluxe ones from Sal’s, the kind that leaks grease through the cardboard so it leaves stains on the coverlet. I can live off one of those for a couple of days. Then I leave the motel room and lock the door behind me. Hood up, head down, I make my way to the main office. “Trix! Hey, Trix!” The sound of my name seizes my shoulders and urges me to run before I recognize the voice. Charly. “Hey,” she says, jogging up beside me. “Thought that was you. Rent time, huh? Mom just sent me to pay for next week, too.” She holds up the wad of cash so I can see it, the cheap gold rings on her fingers glinting in the lights from the neon NO VACANCY sign. “Don’t flash that around,” I hiss, watching the two guys leaning on an Impala in the parking lot. I don’t know if they’re staying here or waiting for someone, but I don’t want to catch their attention by looking like we’re two easy marks. Charly shrugs and stuffs the money in the pocket of her snug jeans. “What’s the fun of having money if you can’t show it off?” she asks. “Anyway, what are you doing tonight? Can I come over?” “Aren’t you watching the twins?” I ask. “No, Janie’s sick, so she’s not working.” Charly’s a year younger than me, but there’s a tightness in her face, a hardness that makes her seem older. I don’t know; maybe I look that way to other people, too. “You can come over if you want,” I tell her, knowing there’s a fifty-fifty chance she’ll blow me off. Anytime a boyfriend texts, she bails on plans with me. But tonight, I could use the company. I haven’t spoken to another person in nearly a week. Just me in a crowd, me in my room. Just me, alone. Sometimes drifting can be lonely, and it would be nice to feel that somebody cares I’m here. So I add, knowing it will sweeten the deal, “I’ve got a pizza com- ing.” Charly grins, revealing the large gap between her front teeth. “I’m starving.” We both go into the empty motel office, the small bell on the door alerting Mel and Room 2 Old Guy in the back room that we’re there. Mel lumbers in and leans on the front desk, a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth. “I’ve got the week’s rent for room 11,” Charly says, holding out the wad of cash. Mel takes it, making a face at the crumpled bills. “Tell your mama to stop leaving her shit in the only working dryer,” he grumbles. “Yeah?” Charly says, crossing her arms. The motel has a tiny laundry room with two machines that are out of order more than they’re working. I just wash my clothes in the sink. “Why don’t you fix the other damn dryer, Mel? And since we’re bitching, tell Marie to stop stealing my stuff when she comes in to change the sheets.” Mel grins. He likes spunk. “Room seven,” I tell Mel, handing him my money and avoid- ing the argument altogether. “Another week?” he asks, as if he’s surprised. This will be my second week in a row here. I know I should change motels again, but this one feels safe to me. I guess it’s because Mom and I lived here for three years before she left, which makes it the longest time we ever lived anywhere, and the closest thing to a home. The picture I drew with stolen charcoal pencils on the day we moved in is still on the wall, still hidden behind the generic framed picture of a palm tree on a beach that hangs in every room at the Starlite. “Just one more,” I tell him. “Tell Marie I’ll pick up clean sheets tomorrow. I can change them myself.” Marie’s okay, but Charly’s right: that girl’s got sticky fingers. I would know. “Sure, kid. You going to be in your room tonight? Check out the free movie channels. Some kind of promo from the cable company.” I shrug. “Yeah. No big plans.” Or any in recent months. Charly and I wish Mel good luck with his card game, and then she leaves me at my door to go down to her room. “Let me grab something to drink,” she says. “I’ll be back in a few.” I unlock my door and go inside, carefully locking it again behind me. If I know Charly, she’ll be bringing back a red plastic cup nearly full of vodka she swiped from her mom, and a few cans of soda to cut it with. The guy who fills the vending machine by the front office has a thing for Charly, and he’s always leaving cans of Sprite or Coke by her door like they’re bouquets of flowers. Surprising me given her track record, Charly gets back before the pizza. I know it’s her from the way she kicks the door with the toe of her worn-out sneakers because her hands are full. “Open up. It’s the police,” she bellows, knowing it will terrify all our neighbors. Laughter peals outside the door. Charly never could keep straight-faced during a joke. I peer at her through a crack in the curtains, just in case, before I open the door. There’s a few muffled thuds and then some swearing from the room next door when they realize it’s just Charly out there. She whisks inside with her arms full of exactly what I thought she’d have. When Charly’s mixed us drinks with the cheap plastic cups from the kitchenette, she spills her guts as we lounge on the hard bed, the television turned to a comedy on Mel’s free movie chan- nel. She and her mom are on the rocks again, and she has to dump Dante because he’s still cheating on her, this time with some rich girl on the East Side. Nothing is good anymore, she says, not like it used to be. She twirls her hair as she talks, sips carefully from her drink before she drops her next words. “Let me come with you next week.” “What do you mean?” I ask her, taking a slug of the drink and wincing at the burn. Charly was a little heavy-handed with the vodka, which doesn’t surprise me now that I know she wants something. “You never stay here long anymore. Not like when your mom was still around. I know you’ll leave again. So take me with you.” She looks down into her cup. “I want out. I’m tired of living with my mom. I’m tired of the johns hanging around, and babysit- ting every night, and just living in this shitty motel.” “So you’re just going to drop out of school and hit the road?” I ask. “Why not? You haven’t gone to school regular since your mom left.” I read once that when you lose an arm or a leg, sometimes you get phantom pain, this ache where there’s nothing left to hurt. That’s what it felt like, since Mom walked out. I know she felt like she could never forgive herself for all the things that had happened between us, and maybe she could never forgive me, either, but somehow her absence hurts even more than having her here. You can’t forgive someone if they never come back to you. It wasn’t that I didn’t like school, it was just that I had lost interest in books and tests and tardy slips when Mom left and what small foundation I had crumbled apart. Also, you need a guardian to enroll, and I’d sworn off those about six months ago, after I’d run away from my last group home. “You going to get a job? Or am I supposed to be your sugar mama in this scenario?” I take another swig of the drink and let the vodka sing in my bones, willing it to drown out that phantom pain. “I’ll find a way,” she says. “If Shane was here, he’d help me out. He was going to get us out of here, you know. He promised.” I know she means well when she brings him up. I know she has as much right as I do to say his name. He was my boyfriend for only a year before he went to prison, after all, and Shane had been Charly’s brother all her life. But it stings anyway. I set my cup down on the nightstand and slide off the bed. I go into the bathroom, shut the door, and sit down on the edge of the grimy bathtub. I only need a minute. I haven’t talked about Shane or Mom for a long time. It’s easier that way. I hear Charly standing on the other side of the door. “I’m sorry,” she says, her voice muffled. “I shouldn’t have brought him up. We just haven’t talked about him in forever, and I thought you were probably over him by now.” There’s a soft clink of her rings against the knob, but she doesn’t turn it. When you live in a motel with paper-thin walls, you learn to respect boundaries. “It wasn’t your fault, you know. Even if you’d been with him, it wouldn’t have ended any different.” I hear the scrape of her rings as she pulls her hand away. The truth is, I am over Shane. Or I think I am, anyway. Mostly now I feel guilt when I remember him. My gift would have protected him if we had been together when everything happened. But even Shane didn’t really believe me back then. It was luck, he said, when I tried to convince him. I stand up and flush the toilet like I’m not a coward hiding in a motel bathroom. There’s a knock at the door, three times, quick and insistent. Charly calls, “Pizza’s here!” “Wait! Look before you open it!” I shout, flinging open the bathroom door. But it’s too late. Two uniformed police officers are standing outside. “We’re looking for Trixie McCabe,” the younger, female officer says, her hands on her belt. “There’s no Trixie here,” Charly lies easily, starting to close the door. “You have the wrong address.” The other officer, an older man, puts up a hand to stop her from shutting them out. He stares at me where I stand dumbly in the frame of the bathroom door, the toilet still running behind me. He’s seen me already, and slamming the door or running isn’t going to make any difference now. I hear swearing and slamming, other people in the Starlite getting out before the cops come knocking on their doors, too. The older cop holds out the same photo the foster homes always use when I run away. Long dark hair, light-olive skin, and gray-green eyes that glare angrily into the camera. “Miss McCabe, we’re going to need you to come with us,” he says. About the Author: Miranda Asebedo was born and raised in rural Kansas with a love of fast cars, open skies, and books. She carried that love of books to college, where she got her B.A. and M.A. in English, with an emphasis in Creative Writing and Literature. A Seaton Fellowship recipient, her short fiction has appeared in Kansas Voices, Touchstone, and Midway Journal. Miranda still lives on the prairie today with her husband, two kids, and two majestic bulldogs named Princess Jellybean and Captain Jack Wobbles. If Miranda's not writing or reading, she's most likely convinced everyone to load up in the family muscle car and hit the road. Author Links: Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/16987401.Miranda_Asebedo Website: https://www.mirandaasebedo.com/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/MirandaWriteNow Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mirandawritenow/ Giveaway:  Prize: Win a copy of A CONSTELLATION OF ROSES by Miranda Asebedo (INT) Starts: 5th november 2019 Ends: 19th November 2019 Photo Credit: Alexis Bestwick  Fan Art / Photo Credit: Elvishness a Rafflecopter giveaway Tour Schedule: https://fantasticflyingbookclub.blogspot.com/2019/09/tour-schedule-constellation-of-roses-by.html November 18th The Unofficial Addiction Book Fan Club - Welcome Post November 19th Bookish Looks - Guest Post Books and Blends - Review Book-Keeping - Review + Favourite Quotes The Reading Corner for All - Review Book Blog London - Review + Favourite Quotes November 20th Wishful Endings - Guest Post Here's to Happy Endings - Review + Favourite Quotes Belle's Archive - Review + Favourite Quotes We Live and Breathe Books - Review What's She Reading? - Review November 21st NovelKnight - Interview onemused - Review Dazzled by Books - Review + Favourite Quotes Avid Reader - Review Booked J - Review November 22nd A Book Addict's Bookshelves - Guest Post Confessions of a YA Reader - Review + Favourite Quotes For The Love of Fictional Worlds - Review Morgan Vega - Review + Favourite Quotes bewitchingwords - Review + Favourite Quotes November 23rd Book Rambler - Review Sometimes Leelynn Reads - Review + Favourite Quotes The Clever Reader - Review + Favourite Quotes To All The Books I've Read Before - Review + Playlist biblioxytocin - Review + Favourite Quotes November 24th L.M.Durand - Interview The Shelf Life Chronicles - Review The She Revelation Book Blog - Review + Favourite Quotes emily the book nerd - Review + Playlist The Heart of a Book Blogger - Review + Book Aesthetic Instagram Schedule: November 18th FFBC Tours TUABFC November 19th Bookish Looks Book-Keeping The Reading Corner for All Book Blog London November 20th Wishful Endings Here's to Happy Endings Belle's Archive November 21st NovelKnight onemused Avid Reader Booked J Dazzled by Books November 22nd Confessions of a YA Reader For The Love of Fictional Worlds Morgan Vega November 23rd Sometimes Leelynn Reads The Clever Reader biblioxytocin November 24th L.M.Durand  The She Revelation Book Blog emily the book nerd The Heart of a Book Blogger The Shelf Life Chronicles

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Insurance problems?

Insurance problems?

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Please, Don’t Let ‘Set It Up’ Be the Future of Rom-Coms

http://fashion-trendin.com/please-dont-let-set-it-up-be-the-future-of-rom-coms/

Please, Don’t Let ‘Set It Up’ Be the Future of Rom-Coms

Everyone’s talking about Netflix’s newest romantic comedy, Set It Up. Some are heralding it as the return of the romantic comedy. It’s hard to find a negative review, which is why I’ve spent the 24 hours since I saw it wondering if I watched a different movie. I understand the appeal of its unapologetic cheerfulness, even if it didn’t speak to me specifically, but I’m struggling to wrap my head around the idea that it somehow moves the rom-com needle, as so many are claiming it does. If this is progress, I think we need to expect more.

Admittedly, the last romantic comedy I remember being excited to see was Obvious Child, which came out in 2014. Before that, it was Easy A, in 2010. There was a time though — you could say my entire adolescence — when rom-coms were my drug of choice. I owned and watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Two Weeks Notice, Notting Hill, Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, You’ve Got Mail, 50 First Dates, The Wedding Planner and most of their generational counterparts enough times to memorize each of their male protagonist’s romantic speeches, which usually appear about 95 percent of the way through the film, always to win back the girl. Sometimes I started them over immediately after the credits rolled, just to rewatch them with the director’s commentary. (R.I.P. DVD extras.) It wouldn’t be unfair to say that the late-’90s-early-aughts rom-com boom played a large role in shaping how my younger self saw the adult world. It informed how I identified myself, who I wanted to be when I grew up, how I flirted. I’d resent that if I hadn’t been such a willing participant.

While it’s true that even commercially successful rom-coms have rarely received critical acclaim, there was a time when the genre carried a certain cultural cachet and was capable of making A-list stars out of B-list actors, shaping romantic attitudes and generally steering the zeitgeist. That was over a decade ago. In the years since, the original mid-budget rom-com has been pushed out by multi-hundred-million-dollar extended-universe sequels and reboots and remakes. But it’s not just about money — tastes have changed, too. Some blame Hollywood’s disinterest in stories about women (or Katherine Heigl, generally); others blame a lack of depth and nuance. Regardless, the classic rom-com formula that guaranteed success in the early aughts came to look and feel old-fashioned, both in its technical execution and especially in the tropes it traded in.

But in the past couple years, rom-coms have regained some of their lost footing in popular culture, with people like Emily Nussbaum, Mindy Kaling and Chrissy Teigen defending the genre as a valid art form. At the forefront of this neo-rom-com revolution, as you might expect, is Netflix. According to IndieWire, Set It Up, which stars Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs, is the seventh rom-com the media service-cum-production studio has put out in 2018. And for some reason, it hit a feel-good nerve the others didn’t.

“Set It Up is remarkably refreshing,” writes Elena Nicolaou for Refinery29. “The movie marks the first time the classic rom-com format has been shaped around our particular moment in history, and made specific to the millennial experience.”

“This film has it all — at least by the standards of a fun, disposable romantic comedy, the likes of which Hollywood rarely bothers to release anymore,” writes David Sims for The Atlantic. “Set It Up might just feel like a fluffy rom-com, but it could also be the start of a genuine realignment within the industry.”

“It’s not perfect, certainly, but it’s an emotional support blanket of a film, an old-fashioned rom-com led by stars with palpitating chemistry. I see myself putting it on every so often, scanning to hit my favorite scenes,” writes Esther Zuckerman for Thrillest.

My Set It Up movie-watching experience more closely resembled a vigorous exercise class than an emotionally supportive snuggle. As in, my cohorts spent the duration groaning or calling it quits, while my sister, who suggested it, apologized profusely for what she’d done. She swore she saw positive reviews, but maybe they’d been satires? Turns out they were not, but the joke was still on us.

Written by Katie Silberman and directed by Claire Scanlon, Set It Up follows Harper (Zoey Deutch) and Charlie (Glenn Powell), two overworked assistants who work for high-powered, high-maintenance bosses: an ESPN journalist named Kristen (Lucy Liu) and a venture capital executive named Rick (Taye Diggs). When Harper and Charlie meet-cute in the lobby of the New York high-rise building they all work in, they conspire to set up Kristen and Rick in the hopes that love might make their bosses less ambitious and thus free up their schedules.

The story is cheesy, full of plotholes, and generally predictable, but that’s to be expected in a rom-com. In fact, people who know the genre better than I do have broken down exactly why Set It Up lives up to its predecessors so successfully. What confounds me most are the myriad claims that Set It Up retains what’s great about the classic rom-com, nixes the more offensive qualities and updates it for today. With all due respect, I do not agree.

To the movie’s credit, it is distinct from the rom-coms of the aughts in a few ways. For one, it is technically more racially diverse than its forbearers, with Liu and Diggs in two of the four lead roles. It also makes an attempt at subverting gender stereotypes by casting a man and woman as a cowering assistant and intimidating boss, respectively. Unfortunately, the execution of these decisions ultimately reveals more about the creators’ awareness of how to check boxes than actually be progressive. The story and characters are just a groan-inducing as, say, those in The Wedding Planner, albeit more unlikeable, in my opinion.

Take the movie’s handling of race. Set It Up may star Liu and Diggs — for which it’s been applauded — but race is never addressed as a part of the modern experience, and the story is actually about their two assistants, played by white actors Deutch and Powell, whose personalities are given more attention and nuance. Casting people of color is a good first step, but it’s worth remembering that representation in movies is also about giving those characters nuance, telling their stories and placing their stories in a world where race exists — especially if it’s set in modern-day New York City. It’s hard to imagine that ever being done well as long as the vast majority of movies continue to be written, cast and directed by white people, as Set It Up was.

Sexism and gender, however, is addressed, at least in small moments — possibly the result of the film being written and directed by women. Unfortunately, this doesn’t guarantee success either. As Glenn Kenny wrote for The New York Times in her review of the movie, “[T]he expectation that a female-written, female-directed effort would yield something refreshingly different is scotched within the first few minutes.” The female characters mostly fall flat. Harper is rom-com-recognizable in that she’s beautiful but doesn’t know it, lives in a huge apartment but is an assistant, loves pizza more than her friends, and loves sports. She’s a classic Gone Girl-style “cool girl.” Kristen is a frigid, sexless career woman who, despite knowing how to handle herself professionally, is totally clueless about dating. And then there’s Charlie’s girlfriend: a beautiful model who has no personality. None of it makes me angry; it just makes me yawn. But my ears perk when someone calls the movie “specific to the millennial experience.”

Not every piece of media has to be seamless and say something meaningful; some might argue rom-coms are best when they do neither. But shows like Insecure and Dear White People and movies like The Big Sick and Bridesmaids prove that the marriage of romance and comedy can be delightful, digestible and feel distinctly new, even if it isn’t always perfect or realistic. To me, modernizing the genre has less to do with making the white female protagonist like sports and have career aspirations (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days did both in 2003) and more to do with telling stories we haven’t heard before through characters we haven’t met before.

Maybe rom-coms just want to be fun popcorn flicks and I’ve simply lost my taste for them. And that’s fine! I’m happy to skip the next one. But when they’re reviewed as beacons of progress or watched en masse and become cultural touchstones, like Set It Up has, I think it’s worth asking if our expectations are high enough.

Feature photo via Netflix.

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How dating apps have changed relationships

Russian Vierig/Getty Snapshots) From time to time it’s tough to do not forget how single humans met every different earlier than courting apps

like Tinder. Did we go out to bars? Just bang our buddies whilst we by chance lingered too long on the residence celebration? It’s super how speedy we’ve adapted to swiping via heaps of potential partners even as half-watching reruns of buddies. And although I’ve in no way talked to a female who didn’t have complex feelings approximately being on a relationship app (as an unmarried lady myself, whether or not I like or detest Tinder adjustments on every occasion I open it), there’s little or no comprehensive studies on the wider consequences of cellular relationship. So Glamour carried out our very own survey of one,000 girls and talked to experts to find out whether apps have virtually modified how we date. The solution is sure, and in greater profound ways than we found out. Take a look:

We aren’t truly seeking to “date,” in step with me. Requesting a bit assist locating a companion is hardly ever new—wherein might Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker reputation be if people didn’t need the expert recommendation? What Tinder changed (racking up 1.four billion swipes an afternoon, more than any other platform) was that it by no means clearly stated it was a dating app. “It killed the stigma of online relationship by using now not being about on-line courting,” says Steve Dean, founding the father of Dateworking, a consulting corporation for man or woman online daters and dating websites.B

.B.T. (earlier than Tinder), courting sites specialized based totally on a preferred degree of dedication—a casual

tough to now not recognize precisely what you have been in search of. “Tinder says, ‘Do regardless of the hell you need; we’re Just going to reveal you, people who are close by and in all likelihood to begin to speak to you,’ ” says Dean. In that way, it mimics how human beings meet in actual existence.

Tinder’s loss of an endgame fosters a culture wherein a woman can be adventurous in any way she chooses. If you find out thru Tinder that—oh, snap!—you’re truly a “unicorn” and want to simplest have sex with couples (it’s an element o.K.), you could then visit a greater specialized app, like Field, to meet them. Or In case you Just need a friend (instantly up, no disk snapshots), BumbleBFF may be for you. And you could usually join up for Espresso Meets Bagel or eHarmony In case you’re hoping for a dating. And it may work: more than 30 percent of ladies who use apps in our survey said they observed a severe associate on them; 12 percent married their suit.

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We have become tremendous green. Of course, the quantity-one change the apps have brought is the capacity to get entry to tens of millions of single humans at warp velocity, at any time, wherever we’re. That’s how I began going out with a guy I matched with when my uncle’s Christmas toast ran long (admit it, you’ve swiped below the table too). The upside of a majority of these instant alternatives is that we waste much less time on relationships that pass nowhere, and we’re less probably to settle. We can set up 5 dates in a night time if we need (even though, frankly, that sounds arduous), which means we’re growing the percentages that we meet the right individual Just by way of gambling it like a numbers sport.

The drawback to all that efficiency? It sort of is a numbers game. “It turns into like an addiction to novelty without substance,” says Dean. “When you get a match with a person, it actually gives you a lift of dopamine, and you observed, There’s no price to persevering with to play. The relationship apps recognize this, and they’re exploiting the shit out of our praise pathways to ensure that we’re constantly coming back.” For instance, alternatives Display up While you get a Tinder fit, one for talking to the person you matched with—intimidating!—and one to keep swiping—comforting and low-commitment! I know which one I tend to select and I am hella single.

Operating matters out? now not a big precedence. at the same time as this insane performance can get us more dates, a few specialists worry that it’s not making us higher daters. Let’s placed it this manner: If a relationship is like fishing off the side of a ship, then cell dating is like fishing from a pitcher-bottomed boat. Because you’re now keenly aware of how many fish are swimming around at a given time, why wouldn’t you (or the individual you’re relationship) attempt casting for more than one? And what do you do Whilst you trap something? You’re much less in all likelihood to invest the strength Running via troubles whilst there are all the ones other, ahem, fish within the sea.

We’re getting true at getting dumped. Remember that episode of sex and the Town wherein Berger breaks up with Carrie on a Post-it word? at the time he was a raging asshole, but in these days’ relationship global that appears downright chivalrous. Now you may have a superbly true date after which the person Simply disappears, like inside the Leftovers. however, paradoxically, experts advise all that ghosting should really be making us stronger. “When you’re terrified of spiders and you disclose yourself to spiders, after some time they have much less that means for you,” says New york Town licensed therapist Lia Avellino. “[Being ghosted] can be constructing up resilience and assisting us Allow cross greater without problems.” All those breakups and blow-offs? They’re like exposure therapy, however for rejection.

greater: relationship App tradition Is Being Reconsidered, and We’re All approximately It

dating

Input the “sex interview.” Don’t fear. It’s no longer as sketchy as it sounds. This yr suit’s annual Singles in The USA survey of 5,500 males and females requested members whether or not they’d ever engaged in intercourse earlier than a first date. A full-size 48 percentage of them stated sure. now not to be pressured with hooking up, these humans had gotten in mattress together earlier than even going to a bar together. It’s a phenomenon that Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a biological anthropologist and the website online’s leader clinical adviser, calls the “sex interview.” “A number of young humans now don’t want to spend time going out with somebody except they get to realize them physically first,” she says. “you may analyze plenty approximately human beings among the sheets. Are they kind? Can they concentrate? Do they have got a sense of humor? Millennials are the use of intercourse as an interview tool and even a courtship tool to leap-start a dating.” (And as long as you’re safe, it’s absolutely a pretty fun manner to shop time.) Of course, courting will constantly be as complicated as a swipe is simple. but apps have “surely created a greater area for girls to sprawl out and explore,” says Avellino. And understanding what we need could make us happier while we do find a partner—or partners if that’s what you’re into.

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