#and apparently make a 100 yard play for 2 points instead of one

[the-physicality]

so in other news i just wikipediaed two point conversions... seems kinda stupid, even if you're down like 3 goals. like emptying the net for the extra attacker...

[shierajones]

Agnes Analysis

As previously stated, on Valentine’s Day my husband and I did a rewatch of all the WandaVision episodes thus far so that I could take the time to do a deeper analysis on Agnes and explain why she is suspicious and good. I need to amend my thoughts and say that she is suspicious and not the villain.

I don’t think she’s good necessarily…but she’s not bad. She’s naughty as they keep telling us and naughty is playful. I do think she’s 100% Agatha Harkness, but Agatha isn’t a villain despite what you may hear in some circles.

Look at her name Agnes. Agatha Harkness. Maybe she’s named that as a misdirection, but I doubt it.

 Moving on to the series and my nonsense analysis:

 When we start the series, it seems clear that the “show” is already running and there are episodes that we, the audience, have not seen. However, we don’t get to view the situation until Agnes returns to town. Yes, the episode starts with Vision and Wanda in their home, but they are the main characters so of course it would. Still, our first episode is her first episode.

 When Vision leaves for work, Agnes appears and says, “I’m Agnes, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours. Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn’t.”

Right off the bat, Agnes is suspicious. These lines are suspicious. Specifically, “My right, not yours.” I don’t think she’s referring to the actual location of her house (Herb lives to the left of them and he is not her husband). I think she’s referring to her place in this story. She’s been placed there by her right, not Wanda’s.

 Important note: her anniversary is June 2nd…Salem Witch Trials. Agatha Harkness confirmation.

 To the episode, Wanda turns to Agnes for assistance and she leads her down the wrong direction. Perhaps how Agatha leads Wanda down the wrong direction in seeking help prior to the start of the Hex…

She is also the one to make Wanda start questioning her marriage and her reality because of their lack of song, anniversary and rings.

 We get the first “You’re so naughty!” in this sequence.

 Another thing I noticed in the first episode is that every time Agnes appears to apparently help, things get more complicated and the “ingredients” meant to aid Wanda, bring her more chaos.

 Moving on to episode two, Agnes is in their house in the intro while everyone else is outside. Because she is in the inner circle. Still, she is noticeably alone even though she is apparently married. Suspect husband.

 In the episode, she says “Look, it’s the star of the show,” and pretends it’s about the rabbit but I think it’s a slight test of Wanda’s awareness of the Hex and this odd sitcom. Agnes is testing Wanda’s reaction.

 We also get another nod to Agnes as Agatha with her rabbit’s name Senor Scratchy like Agatha’s son Nicholas Scratch.

 Then we see that strange exchange with the mailman which makes him suspect as hell too! And once again, Agnes tries to help Wanda by warning her about Dottie, but instead makes her nervous about the situation that turns out poorly because of the pressure.

Important lines to note in this scene:

“The devil’s in the details Bev”

Agnes “That’s not the only place he is.” Interesting.

 For the rest of episode two and most of episode three we see less of Agnes and I think that’s because of Geraldine (Monica)’s presence. For reasons Agnes doesn’t understand, Wanda quickly grows fond of “Geraldine” and she steps into the role Agnes is supposed to play in her life.

 Agnes and Herb question her existence because she doesn’t belong, and she’s being invited into the inner circle. It seems that Agnes is worried that “Geraldine” will lead Wanda down the wrong path or at least the path to the truth she’s trying to hide.

 Episode four doesn’t have much development in the WandaVision fake series but we do see that Agnes’ identity is not known. They have no real name for her and she doesn’t appear to be a New Jersey resident like almost every other relevant character.

 In episode five we see that Monica’s exit leads to an increase in Agnes’ role again, “Auntie Agnes.” Also, with Monica gone, Agnes solidly knows that Wanda is aware of the illusion. She continues to play her part, but she addresses Wanda directly when things start to move off script. Despite being in front of Vision, she brings attention to Wanda’s control of the world. I think she’s moved on from Wanda and is now trying to wake up Vision.

 Strange note: the babies stop crying when Agnes breaks character. Wanda’s magic doesn’t work on them but somehow their cries are tied to the sitcom narrative and Agnes’ actions.

 “Kids, you can’t control them. No matter how hard you try.” Weird line. Is she referring to Wanda trying to control them or her?

 Later when she claims to have seen the dog from her kitchen window I again have to question how. She is not next door! How can she see into their fenced in yard from the view of her house?

 We finally see outside of her Bewitched styled home—Agatha Harkness nod—and I say again, she is not next door to them! Earlier in the scene in the kitchen she says, “Let’s just hope this dog stays the same size,” and then he dies eating bushes at her house thereby forever staying that size. Creepy and suspicious.

 Her face, however, in this entire interaction that follows is why I don’t believe she’s bad. She has genuine concern on her face when the kids say that Wanda can bring back the dead and a wave of relief passes over her when Wanda says, “Some things are forever.” Watching Wanda and her children, Agnes looks like she’s relieved that Wanda is growing and willing to accept death and wants her children to do the same. It’s the first time she shows true vulnerability and I think (or maybe just hope) that’s because in her own strange way she doesn’t wish ill on Wanda.

 Fast forward to episode six and once again we see less of Agnes because of the introduction of a new character. The fake Pietro.

 When we finally see Agnes, dressed as a witch fully confirming her identity as a witch (given that all the other main characters are dressed in nods to their true identities Herb is dressed as Frankenstein’s monster and the concern that brings me is big) she is somewhat frozen but not fully. Just as she is somewhat under Wanda’s control but not fully. Her lines here are vital!

In this trance-like state she tells Vision that she “got lost, took a wrong turn.” Pointing to the narrative of this story. She and Wanda are lost, and things (like the apparent resurrection of Wanda’s dead brother) have taken a wrong turn. She’s lost. She doesn’t understand her purpose here anymore. She’s on Ellis Ave trying to escape but she doesn’t really know if that’s what she’s doing. When Vision “wakes” her, she immediately clutches at her neck/chest seemingly in search of her broach. The necklace she usually wears could have been the thing keeping her out of Wanda’s control but Pietro’s appearance (and the strange necklace he now wears) have taken that from her. She asks Vision if she’s dead. In the comics Wanda does kill Agatha, but we’re not there yet. Probably. But she asks because Vision is dead and then she screams dead over and over again as if he’s not the only dead thing around. Look back at my thoughts about Herb. He’s dressed as Frankenstein’s monster and if we can apply the same logic to his costume as the other relevant characters, that could be pointing to the fact that he is a reanimated body. SO CREEPY! SO SUSPICIOUS!

 Agnes name drops Wanda where Norm didn’t when he was taken out of the trance. I don’t think this is just to place the blame on Wanda and take the focus away from her. Agnes is still trying to wake up Vision so she’s giving him answers where Norm had none, but I also think she is speaking to her position. Wanda’s magic is growing and she has finally taken control over Agnes where she was limited before. 

There are holes in her story to Vision that Wanda is behind it all, but she’s still hiding a significant truth. She’s probably protecting her “husband” the real villain of this story.

[dahniwitchoflight]

Homesquared Chapter 16

Alrighty, that was a fun tangent, now back to John it seems?

Oh, no, Narration of John (So Actually Dirk, speak of the devil and he shall appear and all that etc etc)

“ leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had. “

pfft lol so Im not the only one that thought it would be funny if that scene was interpreted in a Pale Romantic light, even though that really wasn’t what was happening

OIh! but we still get Roxy, just the other version of Roxy

Roxy subtly being like “hey!! shit has apparently gone down, were not exactly close atm but I feel bad about you dying to want to know if youre still alive so im gonna message you while trying to make it look like i dont care about it as much as I do”

JOHN: trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so

and the wonderful question is, what IS going be happening with you now John?

Roxy looking nice and casual, but also yeah narration, why are you making this ominous, its not like Roxy’s out here to double spy on behalf of Jane, I don’t think Roxys on her side THAT much

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out

ROXY: but so far so good

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Roxy once again being a master of hiding how shes feeling, even when trying to open up, feeling pretty stressed about whats happening with Jane, understandable, the exclamation points give it away lol

The narration is really trying to make John nervous though

OH lol that was the implication haha no lol John it obviously wasn’t that

“John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced? He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.“

lol once again, Dirk has no idea how to read Roxy at all and just trips over himself and his assumptions XD

Yeah, looks like Roxy not on the Jane train and is doing some takesies backsies, shes glossing over her feelings on the matter still though, I know thats par for the course of how Roxy tends to handle stuff too but I wish shed open up a bit more, but maybe shes playing the smart game, yknow, knowing that Dirk has a hard time reading her, so glossing over stuff is how you protect yourself against the narrative force, confusion and vaguery in the narrative and her actions only helps her to keep control over it, because at any point, you can decide to “clear up” any narrative “miscommunication” or “confusion” and lay down what is it thats actually happening with you any time you want

Void working in the behind the scenes to do what they want

JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE.

JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house?

JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self?

JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know?

JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something?

JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames.

JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it.

JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late?

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good.

JOHN: but that’s just bullshit.

JOHN: it DID feel good.

JOHN: i DO feel free.

JOHN: sorry.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize

ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn

JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Im pretty sure you’re talking about a gender thing John, like, very 100% sure now this is what’s happening

because if you were actually a girl, of course you’re dad leaving all these notes about how one day hes gonna be so proud of the man youll become, yeah, that can feel a little pressuring, even if your dad didnt mean it like that, since he was unfailingly the kind of dad just bumbling around trying to understand their kid as best they could and leave encouragements everywhere, thats what his intent was, but all his notes come off a bit wrong in particular issues

remember the note under the fridge that was all like “SON. IF YOURE READING THIS NOTE, YOUVE FINALLY BECOME STRONG ENOUGH OF A MAN TO PICK UP THE FRIDGE.” not exactly that but that was always the vibe Dad’s little notes always had

Yeah, i can see how John would view it as a bit off, but if he hadnt the self awareness to realize it was a gender thing at the time, hed be understandly confused as to why such a thing would bother him

now though, he’s realizing, maybe, he doesn’t exactly want to be the man his dad always encouraged him to be

John does seem a lot happier here in his convo with Roxy than he did on his own when the house was burning, that conversation with karkat left me wondering if John was about to start dissociating he was so down, but here he says he feels freeing and happy about it?

ROXY: but like now that u mention it

ROXY: *meaningful pause*

JOHN: …

JOHN: i

JOHN:

John’s beginning to question stuff, or acknowledge that he’s questioning stuff, cuz it’s true, and hes feeling happy about it, in a way that he wasnt before, but he hasnt quite connected the dots here between the happy feeling and what exactly he has to be happy about

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

JOHN: yeah ok.

Yeah Roxy’s 100% picked up on it, and maybe Dirk has as well if the narration is commenting on it

Alrighty then, to the secret lair under the bed!

oh I just noticed how kind of cute and interesting Roxy’s nickname for Harry is, “Lil H A” Harry Anderson shortens to Ha like laughter haha

and if Harry had Roxy’s last name, it’d be Harry Anderson Lalonde

Lil HAL

lol what is Callie doing under Roxy’s secret bedchamber XD

This whole secret bedchamber thing is turning into one big metaphor isn’t it?

That thing behind the curtain kind of looks like the Attic Portal shape from Hiveswap though

that’d be neat if that was it, like obviously we knew one of the cherubs had to have something to do with that portal just going by the design of it alone

Honestly it makes sense that Callie is doing it under the curtain of Roxy’s Void, it’s honestly the safest place to do something like that

lol Calliope has grown past writing fanfic about shipping and being in love, now the drama of broken relationships and divorce is all the rage XD character growth? haha

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point.

Calliope just burned him harder than his childhood home’s destruction

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

have you been talking to Jake lol (I mean, probably Original Grandpa Jake tbh if that portal is actually the portal)

Alright so John is getting caught up on the major plot points, Earth C is indeed in the large black hole, his choice didn’t matter since both choices happened anyway yadda yadda

CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip.

CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads".

CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads.

yup yup yup pretty par for the course of timesplits in homestuck so far

CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are".

yup, this is true, the ending’s of both referenced the others, so it’s disingenuous to say one is “canon” while the other isn’t

one is simply in the realm of actual possibility, the other is in the realm of unlikely possibility

More than likely, John would have chosen to leave and go die and be the hero like in Meat, but there was still the possibility that he would stay, even if it was unlikelier than the other, but since both were possible choices for him to realistically make, both actually happened for real

CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity

that’s interesting, so there’s the original meteor that crashed into the surface of Earth C, and it’s in here that the singularity of what I don’t wanna call the Green Hole to match the Green Sun when I wanna talk about this specific Black Hole lolol

but yeah, here in this meteor lies the crux of the paradox it seems, interesting, also interesting again, this is where that Hiveswap Portal is

Hiveswap does have a plot point of “Joey must do thing in 11 days otherwise Earth and Alternia will be destroyed” and the only known destruction event of Earth and Alternia so far in canon is the Green Sun’s Creation from the destruction of both universes (and then later Callie’s destruction of the green sun into the black hole) so is Hiveswap gonna be a factor in the green sun’s destruction/creation as well? (Joey has the symbol of the Green Sun for a reason, I’m super curious as to what factor Joey has in relation to the Green Sun’s Existence, We still don’t know what the fact those black monsters are too, they’re like nega-first guardians, the kind of things that look like would come out of a Black Hole that came from the Green Sun tbh)

It’s all inter-related I tells ya

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

You say that now but

CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish.

CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart!

CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been.

yeah that’s basically how this multiverse’s reality works, the future is a thing that already physically exists, just in a different location in the universe somewhere else

time travel and spacial teleportation could be said to be the same thing all along

that’s why violating the events of the future has actual consequences, because its like asking to go somewhere that doesn’t exist but how has to exist because it’s the future, too much of that and reality starts cracking at the seams to make room

same thing happens with sessions and playing sburb

the planets and dreaming moons and all that simultaneously have always existed here, and started existing only because the player played the game and the planets were generated upon entering a session, but to the player involved, it looks and feels like you are just being teleported to a different location in the universe, because you also kind of are

CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary.

CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence.

CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon.

CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist!

So you’re just in a little seperated bubble, that’s not connect temporally to any other place of existence, you aren’t anywhere in the past or the future of anywhere else

nowhere leads here, and here can not lead outwards either, theoretically, and yes it exists, so it must also

JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...?

CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal.

CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific.

JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that.

CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U

CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley.

CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u=

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So someone else definitely has managed to do such a thing

JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything?

JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal?

CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not.

CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm.

JOHN: oh.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

yeah, so because here in the black hole neither affects the past or the future of anywhere else, being so disconnected, they are technically free of the reigns of the Alpha Timeline that exists elsewhere in the multiverse

the Alpha Timeline now being understood to simply mean, The Narrative

Things are the way they are because they are thus written to be so

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth.

CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher.

ROXY: its total bs is what it is

CALLIOPE: right, yes.

CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite.

CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Hmmm. It’s a dangerous idea to be playing with for sure, to decide all the black pieces in the game of chess suddenly become white, it is a very flip turning of reality upside down to be sure

To be honest, I’d think you’d need a powerful Doom player at your disposal to even try something like this

or actually, a powerful Doom user would be most likely to shut this entire thing down, knowing how bad of an idea it’d be, maybe it’s more you need a powerful Life player to do something like this instead

is that also why Dirk viewed Jane as an ally then? She would technically have the kind of power to upend the black and white doomy laws of reality if driven to her full potential, i mean obviously yes, we know this already because of the candy colored I-can-do-whatever-I-want-with-no-consequences lollipop

Is this what Calliope hopes to achieve with the Hiveswap Portal then? her goals for Joey and friends are to be the ones to prevent their universe’s twin destructions, and thus the Green Sun’s initial existence and then also the destruction into the Black Hole after the fact? that would be one way to prevent the Black Hole from existing, making it so the thing that creates the black hole never exists either

and that's certainly a canon event that would be difficult to tear asunder without major consequences

That would be a “Re-writing Homestuck from the very beginning” level of canon event

And if I’m correct, Joey is theorized by me to be a Mage of Life, if any classpect at their full potential was gonna do something like that, or have the impossible knowledge to something impossibly paradoxical like that, well..

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh

ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then.

ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense

ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan.

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

I mean yeah! makes sense! Johns major factor here is Freedom, Vriska’s is Importance

and yeah, I can think of no other wholly dramatic event that to mess with stuff with the Green Sun, everyone will have eyes on that, they have to, their whole existence the way it is relies on it

But, they could also mean something else, its only condition is that it has to be something so imflappably impossible, something so not-canon and so outrageous that it basically horse-shoes around to the other end of the canon spectrum to being something that truly exists again

and that could be literally anything and it’s nerve wracking and exciting to see what thing theyre gonna come up with to just directly kneecap Homestuck itself

ROXY: thx babe

ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or

JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine.

(yeah that’s because Babe can be construed as feminine June)

so, I’m basically convinced they’re doing June Egbert now

that to me was like, pretty severely on the nose

John: Hey Roxy, what it does mean when you find a sense of freedom when all of the symbolism of the masculinity surrounding your childhood burns down around you

Roxy: idk It’s probably a gender thing man

John: I didn’t say the word gender-

Roxy: It’s ok babe no pressure, we can hash it out later

John: Hmm, later then. :)

Roxy: (Turns and looks towards the camera with a knowing smile)

shit all that imagery makes me think of Roxy as that picture of the small kid smirking at the camera while a house burns in the distance XD

[eldritchsurveys]

952.

5k Survey L

2551. What is your favorite song or artist that is: jazz: Man, whatever. metal: rock: new wave: psychadelic: 2552. What are your feelings about: Picasso? Van Gogh? Michaelangelo? D'Vincci? Einstein? Tesla? >> I think Tesla’s boss but I don’t have any major opinions about the others. Also, never seen da Vinci spelled like that, caught me off guard. (Apparently there’s a rapper named “D’Vincci”. TIL) 2553. Who else can you think of that made a MAJOR contribution to art or science? >> I don’t know what you’d define as “major”. There are probably a lot of people I could name, anyway. 2554. Who can you think of that made a major contribution to modern thought? >> ^ 2555. Why is it called 'coca cola'? >> I’m not Google.

2556. Would you ever buy a Ford car? >> I wouldn’t buy a car, period. 2557. Donald or Daffy duck? >> I don’t care. 2558. What is the most memorable thing about Pee-Wee Herman? >> I don’t know anything about Pee-Wee Herman, so I guess in my case the answer would be “nothing”. 2559. Lease or buy a car? >> I don’t want a car, period. 2560. Have you met Real Talkin' Bubba? Do you love him to death? >> What is that? Sounds like a toy. 2561. Have you ever been in a situation where you weren't sure if you were seducing or being seduced? >> No. 2562. Can you 'pinch an inch' on your belly? >> I don’t know, man, and I’m not about to test it. 2563. Have you ever been to: a temple? a bar? a massage parlor? >> Yes to all three. 2564. Would you ever want to visit Thailand? >> Sure. 2565. What culture are you fascinated by? >> What culture aren’t I fascinated by? 2566. Have you ever worn a cape? >> Yes. I’ve also worn a gay pride flag as a cape. 2567. What is the difference between 'nude' and 'naked'? >> I don’t know. I use them interchangeably. (I do know that “nude” can be used to describe things that “naked” can’t, like makeup shades.) 2568. What can you get for a dollar (.59 brittish pounds)? >> Something off the McDonald’s dollar menu? 2569. What makes you who you are? >> I don’t know. Magic. 2570. How do you search for meaning in life? >> I don’t? 2571. If your partner collected internet porn pics of celebs s/he thought was hot would that bother you? >> Of course not. 2572. You are alone with your lover's diary. What do you do? >> What the fuck? Why would I have someone’s diary? I value people’s privacy, thank you very much. 2573. You read some and find out that a whhhiiillle back your lover had a crush on someone else, but you two were together. You both still hang out with this person. What do you do? >> I stopped at “you read some” because this is not a situation I’d put myself into in the first place. 2574. Are you an old fart? >> No. 2575. What were your favorite things to do in the yard as a kid? >> Play with my dog and play pretend games like pretending to make meals out of the meager plants and sticks I could find. 2576. Why don't people have more fun? >> What kind of faulty assessment is that? 2577. Have you ever wanted to have a pet skinned and turned into an article of clothing? What pet? What article of clothing? >> No. 2578. Do I come off sounding normal, mildly irrational, blatently insane or completely certifiable? >> I don’t have an opinion about you as a person considering I don’t know you. I’m not going to judge you by the questions you’ve written for this survey, that’d make no sense unless a majority of the questions were obviously biased in a really negative way or something (I’ve definitely taken a couple of surveys like that). 2579. Did you ever feel that you were unable to function in society? >> Yes, of course. 2580. Is it nap time yet? >> Not for me, it isn’t. I generally do not nap, anyway. 2581. Do you have to have the space next to the door or can you walk from the other end of the parking lot and still be okay with the world? >> Any opportunity I can take to walk, I will take. It hopefully evens out how sedentary I am the rest of the time. 2582. Do you like trains? >> I do like trains. 2583. What's in Hungary? >> Hung[a]ry people. *rimshot* 2584. have you ever felt like you were holding someone else back? Has someone ever held you back? >> I don’t think I’ve ever felt either of these ways. 2585. What do you think of the term, 'organized religion'? >> I think... hmm. Let’s just say I usually hate the usage of that term, particularly because people use it as a shortcut too much instead of being precise with their speech (and you all know how much willful imprecision in speech bothers me). Frex, people will say “organised religion” when they really mean, specifically, “fundamentalist evangelist Christianity”. 2586. What do you think of the name 'Orson'? >> I don’t care for it. 2587. What frustrates you? >> A lot of things frustrate me, but I don’t feel like trying to think of something right now. 2588. Winkin, Blinkin and Nod, one night, sailed off in a sea of dew.. >> I don’t know anything about this rhyme or poem or whatever it is. 2589. Is ten dollars (5 pounds) a good price to pay for one lipstick? Does anyone else remember when lipstick was, like, 2 or 3 bucks? >> It’s a common price; don’t know if that means it’s reasonable or not. Some lipsticks still are 2 or 3 bucks, but the quality is often far more variable at that price point. 2590. Are you ill? >> No. 2591. Where were you the night of.....oh hell, last night? >> In bed. 2592. Do you pronounce the 'er' sound at the end of words(lookER or lookA)? >> It depends on how quickly I’m talking, I think. And where in the sentence the word is. 2593. Do you drink only 100% juice? >> I rarely drink juice to begin with. But I do prefer juice that is 100% as opposed to 90% sugar or whatever. 2594. Do you remember the bills you have to pay...or even yesterday? >> I know this is a song lyric but for some reason I can’t remember the song it goes to. I can hear the lyric but not the rest of the song, and that’s so damn aggravating. 2595. What duck? >> So I googled the lyric because it was bugging me so badly and it’s fucking Young Americans, of course it is, and I’m so pissed I couldn’t remember that. I love that song! Probably will go listen to it later. 2596. Do you collect coins? How about stamps? >> No. 2597. wHAT'S the best way to learn a new language? >> Immersion. 2598. Is god in you? >> Probably. 2599. Are you in god? >> Probably. 2600. Do you know which fork to use at a formal table setting? >> I’ve never been in a setting that formal, so, no.

[dwyguyhikes]

King’s Peak

26.8 mile roundtrip

5,118 feet elevation gain

Link: https://www.alltrails.com/trail/us/utah/kings-peak-utah-highpoint-trail

Time from trailhead to base camp at Dollar Lake: 3:50 (7.4 miles)

Time from base camp to summit: 3:45 (6 miles)

Time from summit to base camp: 3:20 (6 miles)

Time from base camp to trailhead: 3:14 (7.4 miles)

Time to finally begin this incredibly ambitious goal of summiting the highest point in every state! I decided to start with the closest one to me: King’s Peak in Utah. I’d gotten an invitation from Nick to join me, but wanted to give solo camping a whirl and see about doing this first highpoint on my own.

The trailhead was about a 3 hour drive from Salt Lake City, and it took me through southeast Wyoming. The drive there was pretty easy, except for one road block caused my some unruly sheep that refused to get out of the road. I also spent the last hour or so on a hole-ridden dirt road, and lemme tell you that a Ford Taurus was not designed for that kind of terrain.

As you’re driving, you can see King’s Peak clearly standing out from the surrounding mountains. I had a kind of minor freakout when I saw this, and I started to question if this was really a good idea to do on my own. “You’re seriously going to climb that tall ass mountain? By yourself? Are you nuts?” I quickly pushed these thoughts out with a different one: “Hell yeah I’m fucking climbing that. Because I’m the fucking man.”

I got to the trailhead and chatted with some people who were getting back. They said the weather was too bad and they had to turn back, but with the weather shifting they thought I’d have a good shot at it. I put on my backpack and started my trek to Dollar Lake where I’d set up camp for the night.

This was my first backpacking trip in about a year, and I forgot how much hiking with a full backpack SUCKED. I had also just played hockey for the first time in about 3 months, and I had kind of forgotten how much skating uses your hips. As such, the first 3 miles involved the lower half of my body crying out in pain, but I carried on.

The hike in was super peaceful, and I really enjoyed the lonely walk through the forest. I’m glad I had decided to buy a map before heading out, because Dollar Lake wasn’t clearly marked. I did some minor bushwhacking toward where I thought it would be, and after a bit of wandering around I was able to find it. I set up my tent, cooked up some dinner, and got ready for a long day ahead. I knew there wouldn’t be bears, but I still climbed a tree about 100 yards from camp to secure my backpack with food out of reach just in case.

Trying to sleep that night turned into a lost cause. It was ridiculously windy (40 mph gusts), so every few minutes it felt like my tent was blowing away. I also kept hearing footsteps outside my tent, though that could have just been my ears playing tricks on me. At around midnight a helicopter was flying around, too. To add onto all that, my joints were still killing me and I couldn’t get comfortable. I laid there all night waiting for sleep to take over, but I don’t think I got any real shut-eye until about 4 am. With my alarm going off at 6, I knew I wasn’t going to have a good time.

6 am came and I snoozed a few times before getting going. I had some oatmeal and coffee, put together my day pack (stupidly without sunscreen, bear-spray, or my med-kit… whoops) and started heading toward the summit. There were a few sketchy snow traverses, but I had no issues making a good pace and passing a few other groups. I did have some issues staying on the trail since it wasn’t clearly marked, and I think at one point I was on the shortcut called Gunsight Pass before realizing and bushwhacking back to the trail. I had read that Gunsight Pass could get sketchy, and I didn’t want to take any chances since I was by myself.

This hike was GRUELING! It was steep and wet, and there was no cover from the sun. I had to take breaks every 20 minutes, but thankfully there were plenty of places to re-fill my water. I quickly realized that checking the mileage at every break wasn’t helping me at all, and I just focused on keeping one foot in front of the other. It was oddly meditative just listening to my footsteps and my heavy breath as I carried onward and upward.

Close to the summit, the trail just stops and you have to scramble up some scree. The wind gusts were still coming, so I decided to leave my backpack (aka my water and food) and focus on my balance. Thinking I was much closer to the top than I actually was, this proved to be a mistake. That climb to the summit was probably the most difficult part of the whole hike, but that feeling of finally getting to the top… pure joy. For the time being, I was the tallest person in Utah! I felt incredibly accomplished, but I also felt incredibly vulnerable when the winds started tossing me around a bit. I stayed only for a hot second to take some pictures before making my way down.

On the way down I found a lot of snow and developed a shortcut instead of scrambling across the scree: if I run across the snow like I’m doing hockey crossovers, I could cover distance in half the time. I fell a few times but never slid very far because I had a pole to self-arrest. While I saved a ton of time, I quickly realized that I was coming down the east side of the mountain, and my backpack was on the north side… all that time saved was quickly lost when I had to go BACK up the mountain. Oh well, I got back to it and had the Snickers bar I was saving for my lowest moment and all felt right in the world.

The hike back to basecamp was largely uneventful except where I ended up off the trail a few times. The trail wasn’t well marked, and there were so many offshoots that it was easy to get sidetracked. Luckily I had enough of a mental compass to realize I was walking on trails I’d never been on before. More bushwhacking (what else is new) led me back to trail. After some thought, I figured I’d try to hike back to the car rather than stay another night in the wind here, so I ran a lot of the downhill parts to make up time.

When I finally made it back to camp, I was NOT having a good time. My feet were wet, my shirt was drenched, and I was definitely overheating. I laid down in the tent for about 2 minutes before quickly taking off most of my clothes and running to soak in the lake. That helped a ton. I also knew that another night of no sleep was only going to make things worse, so I sucked it up and packed up camp.

The hike back to the car was absolutely brutal. I had just finished 6 of the steepest uphill miles I’ve ever hiked, then ran 6 miles back, and now I was doing another 7.4 with a full backpack? My body was NOT happy. My head was throbbing and I could hear all my joints screaming out saying “boi what is u doing??!?!” Luckily my medkit had aspirin in it, so I popped that and kept pushing on. I stopped to chat with one couple who told me that the helicopter I heard last night was looking for a kid who got lost at Dollar Lake. He went missing around midnight, and his dad apparently found him at 11 am the next morning playing like nothing had happened. Kids are wild.

That hike back was mentally one of the tougher hikes of my life. I was checking the mileage way too often. Funnily enough I’ve started equating all my mileage to my runs around Baltimore: “Ok 2 miles left. That’s just from the bridge by the old Chipotle back to the house. Just gotta around the aquarium then along the harbor then the promenade. That’s nothing.”

I finally stumbled to the car around 6:30, eager to take off my pack and boots. If you haven’t backpacked before, I can assure you that finally taking off your pack is one of the BEST feelings in the world. With my trek done, I had my sights set on a Wendy’s frosty next, so booked it straight back to civilization.

All in all, this was an incredible experience, but I don’t think I’d do it again. As an introvert, I really enjoyed the alone time, but I have to admit that I got really lonely. I think these kinds of experiences (aka suffering) are best enjoyed when shared, so I don’t think I’ll be doing another solo trip for quite some time.

[ohboywonder]

Suddenly There - A Narnia Fanfiction

Chapter Seven: Lessons 

words: 2503 | AO3 warnings: none

Content: Suddenly Joyce stumbles into Narnia. Meeting the four Pevensies, she gets taken in and care of. A tension builds up between her and Edmund, although Joyce is clueless that he himself is a King, too. Peter though seems interested in her too and just as Lucy and Susan found out that there’s no way back to England, an attack puts Joyce to the test and she has to proof that Asland picked out the right person to bring back peace to Narnia.

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - ...

“I heard a rumour!”, a voice sang right into my ear while I was sitting at the table in the dining hall. I was having a lonely breakfast because I had gotten up quite late. Nightmares and bad dreams of home had kept me up all night and I was not in the best mood. Phileas had a night shift and when I had left my room he had already been gone.

But on the other hand – I had made my way to the hall by myself without asking anyone for directions. It had taken me a while, but I’d made it.

As I now looked up, Lucy stood next to me. She was wearing a cream-coloured dress with dark red laced rims and elaborate embroidery. No matter what she wore, it always looked stunning on her.

“Good morning to you too.”, I said and smiled back. It was hard to stay grumpy when Lucy smiled at one like she did now.

“I’m going to be your teacher!”, she screeched and sat down next to me. “Isn’t this exciting?”

“What will you teach me?”, I asked, eyebrows raised, and took the stiff napkin in my hands to clean them of any remaining breadcrumbs. Breakfast had been toast and porridge today, along with fruits and fresh milk. It was delicious, but it also reminded me of home. I started to wonder whether the fauns working in the kitchens were making an effort to cook British dishes to make the Royals feel at home. And then I asked myself if they felt the way I did and if it maybe hurt them more than it helped them.

“Manners!”, she said and for a second I wondered whether I had done anything wrong. Then I realised it was her subjects and I started to laugh, which made Lucy pout.

“Sorry”, I wheezed, trying d to get my breathing under control again. “I… it’s just so funny to imagine you teaching me manners when I thought you were the funniest of your siblings.”

“All right, I get your point.”, Lucy said and played with a curl of her brown hair. “But it’s not really hard. There are just some general rules on how you’re supposed to sit, stand and walk, who you’re allowed to talk to and who needs to talk to you first, where in a room you can stand and where you’re not supposed to be… All these small things and then we’ll go into behaviour at the banquet, which cutlery is used for which meal and-”

“Lucy”, I interrupted her. “Peter said I had four weeks to learn all of this. Not four years!”

That made her laugh. “You’ll be fine. I doubt anyone will pay much attention to you anyways.”

“Oy, that was rude!”, I said and poked her in her side, which made her giggle.

“Sorry, but, hey, stop it!”, she laughed and tickled me. Ten minutes later we were breathing heavily and my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. “I just meant”, Lucy tried again, “that there are other things that people will pay attention to, rather than someone they’ve never seen maybe using the wrong fork. But we’ll avoid this through practice. Don’t worry.”

“I don’t”, I said honestly. “With you as my teacher, everyone will notice how incredibly good I am with a fork.”

This made her laugh again.

Three hours later I had mastered the perfect curtsy. Also, I had learned how to address Lucy and her siblings in the correct way. My head was buzzing from the information that it had to take in. But it seemed like I was about to be rescued from my lesson.

Edmund knocked on the door and entered my chamber. The faun replacing Phileas, an older faun with dark curls and big horns, glanced into the room to check whether everything was all right and regained his posture in front of my door again, as Edmund closed the door behind him.

“Lu, you’re going to be late.”, he said and Lucy looked up at the grandfather clock in the corner of my room. This was followed by a heavy sigh. She put the books aside and rose to her feet, straightening out her skirt and smiled at me before turning towards Edmund.

“I nearly forgot because this was so much fun. Thanks for reminding me, Ed!” And with that she rushed through the door Edmund had just closed.

“Late for what?”, I asked and slowly turned around. The book, that I had been balancing on my head for the past ten minutes, fell down. Lucy had had a lot of criticism for my posture and wanted to fix it before, and I quote, “anyone would have to see you ruining a really beautiful dress with the way you stand”. This had been followed by the explanation that the dresses we wore every day, which I found insanely stunning already, were apparently only the ‘normal’ dresses. The extraordinary ones were reserved for balls, banquets and coronations. When these were the normal ones, I didn’t know whether I would be able to stand the beauty of the others. Edmund smiled at me, before he got on one knee to help me pick up all the books.

“She always has a court day”, he now answered my previous question while handing me a book, “where she’ll allow her subjects to come forth and ask for help or tell her about problems. If she can, she figures something out to help them. It’s always around this time a week.”

He handed me back my book and our fingers touched. This moment it was hard for me to breathe because my heart just skipped a beat. “Thanks.”, I stammered. For a moment it was quiet between us. “Well…”, I said, trying to say something instead of just staring at Edmund, “I guess that marks the end of my lessons for today?”

A grin spread out over his cheeks. “Oh, absolutely not. I’m here to pick you up for something else.”, he said and then bowed a little. “If I may, of course.”

A little surprised, I nodded. My heart was still fluttering, so my steps, when I followed him, where a little unsure. “More lessons?”, I asked while he held the door open for me. We passed the dark-haired faun and made our way through the corridors.

“Curiosity killed the cat, that was the saying, right?”, he asked me and I nodded surprised. I could imagine that sayings like these would slip your mind if not often used, but he remembered it. Even after ten years.

My thoughts pondered over which sayings he had kept after all this time as well and so I did not notice where we were going. “Where...?”, I started, but then we walked around a corner and I recognised the path from our earlier walk. “The… training grounds?”, I asked and looked through one of the high windows.

“Exactly. I wanted to show you something before we start your lesson. It’s because we still have some time before we can start.”, he said, his hands crossed behind his back, as usual.

“What’s this lesson on, out here?”, I wondered, as we stood on the grass again. Targets were erected, at least 100 yards away from where we stood, the grass was trimmed. Multiple weapons were on display. Nothing had changed. I could feel my spirits rise.

“Do you want to teach me how to handle bow and arrow? Or a crossbow?”, I asked excitedly but Edmund shook his head, a light smile still on his lips.

“Not yet. I think we can do that once you’ve mastered what I am actually supposed to teach you. But for now, just follow me.”

“You speak in riddles…”, I mumbled exhausted and looked around. “Then what are you supposed to teach me out here?”

“Not out here. But later I’m supposed to teach you how to dance.”, he said and stopped. “But since the musicians are still practicing, we can’t dance yet. And since the weather is beautiful, I wanted to show you something. A place that is very special to me.”

And with that he continued to walk over the soft grass towards where the world seemed to end, approaching the cliff. My mouth still hung open. I was supposed to dance?

With Edmund?

Oh, how delightful. This would not make my life any easier…

I sighed and followed him, my thoughts spiralling around the dance lessons that would inevitably follow. The closer I got, the more I could hear the ocean again. And then I saw that the meadow ended and steep ledge lead down right to the water. “Come on”, he said and waved me to follow him. Nearly hidden behind rocks and grass was a path. When we were here the first time I hadn’t even noticed.

“Wow”, I whispered and stepped closer to the edge. I then followed Edmund. The path led to a little cave just below the cliff. He stood close to the edge, pointing at something in the water.

Even without having to focus on anything Edmund wanted to show me, this sight was incredible. The cave was a little hole, completely hidden away from sight. If anyone would stand on the edge, they would not see if people would hide down here. Roots from the grass and bushes upwards were dangling from the top of the cave and on the rocky ground the feet could get a good grip.

“Can you see them?”, Edmund suddenly asked me and I looked up at him. He smiled and his hand pointed towards the water. I stepped a little closer. My gaze wandered over the waves, whose white crestwaves sparkled in the sun, following where Edmund was pointing. At first I couldn’t see anything other than the ocean and although it looked nothing like the stormy, grey waves of home, my heart grew heavy. The wind blew away my blond hair and I felt my eyes itching with tears.

“Mom and I always went to the sea during the summer.”, I suddenly said. Although this looked nothing like what I was used to, memories started to pull me back in. “We would collect the nicest pebbles and stones and tried to… to stack them as high as we could. Then… then the war came.”

I felt a tear running down my cheek and suddenly Edmund’s hand touched my shoulder and he squeezed it. “I can imagine. But look closer.”, he said and suddenly I spotted them.

I squinted a little and then I could see the bodies, the tails and the glistening hair, all pellucid. “Are those mermaids?”, I asked, absolutely taken aback.

“Naiads. Just like the Dryads, but… in the water.”, he said cleverly and smiled. “I like them. They remind me of home. My parents always took us to the sea, too.” His expression grew sadder, but he put on a brave smile.

“Do you ever get used to this? Being away without the possibility to get back?”, I asked, being reminded of my earlier thoughts.

“Not really”, he mumbled. The wind blew through his hair as well and I could see a few freckles on his nose and forehead.

“I’m sorry”, I said quietly. “It must be weird to talk to someone like me, being suddenly here and maybe, hopefully, going back when you got used to living here now.”

He chuckled lightly, facing the sea and crossing his hands behind his back again. “You never get accustomed to it, not really. Not me.”

I really wanted to say something. His face grew sadder again and his thoughts seemed to wander off. Then his expression grew grave and he turned around, waving me with him. He still seemed a little upset. “How good are you at horseback riding?”, he asked suddenly, maybe trying to change the topic, maybe trying to kill some more time, and with that, the peak into the life of the other was ended.

I got the answer to that question an hour later and it was: not good.

Horses are very majestic creatures. That’s at least what I always thought of them. They’re huge and fast and beautiful, but riding a horse is something entirely different. Especially if you’re supposed to ride on a sidesaddle – something I’d never done before. There were a million things one needed to concentrate on. The reins, your back, your feet, your hips, the horse’s step, the surroundings, yours arms and your fingers. Also, one should not constantly look down.

Edmund told me all these things, repeatedly. In a calm and slightly amused manner.

We were on the training grounds again, closer to the castle now. A couple of fauns had brought Edmund’s horse and one for me, saddled and ready. Edmund though had refused to ride himself, but he was holding the lunge line, and helped me with additional information and comments.

“Oh shit”, I cursed as I tried to brush a strand of my hair out of my eyes and hit myself in the face with the reins. That made Edmund laugh.

“Sorry? I should not swear so much.”

“What? No, that’s great. It’s so natural. It does not seem like you’re wearing a mask or put up a show. You’re simply yourself.”

“Yeah, what about it?”, I asked, sitting up straight again and monitoring the horse from above, trying to gain back my posture.

“It’s so unusual around here.”

When I dared to look away from my horse, I saw Edmund smiling at me. I felt my stomach drop a little, but it could as well have been the horse’s fault, because it used this moment of inattention bolted forwards and went into trot and then galloped straight forward. Since Edmund and I hadn’t discussed what to do in a situation similar to this, I shrieked and pulled the reins closer to my body, but not upwards. I froze and pressed my leg against the horse and leaned in the opposite direction, trying to not fall off.

“It’s all right”, I heard Edmund’s voice and suddenly his hand pulled on my reins, took them and then the horse… stopped. He was on his own horse, I can’t remember how he did it – how he got up there so fast, but the horses now stood next to each other and he looked at me, concerned.

“Are you all right?”

“I wish… shit, that was scary!”

And then, he giggled. “You’re right. Let’s get you off there now. We may try dancing now, what do you say?”

“Anything but this, please?”, I said and still could feel my heart beating in my throat.

He slid of his horse and held a hand out to me, a gentle smile on his lips, and when my hand touched his and our eyes met, I couldn’t help but feel a little warmer, a little safer, a little more like being in Narnia was not that bad after all.

[auburnfamilynews]

Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

Breathe, again.

Auburn somehow ended up getting a third win of the year, and we’re halfway through this season at 3-2 after the Tigers beat Ole Miss 35-28. Bo Nix’s game-winning touchdown to Seth Williams in the final 90 seconds provided the difference in a game that saw the Auburn offense run as cleanly as it had all season.

If you watched the Ole Miss-Alabama, this was almost the opposite of that. Instead of huge plays throughout the first half, both Auburn and the Rebels had four full drives, and each team notched two touchdowns and two punts. Both sides’ first possessions ended in three-and-outs, but Ole Miss started to move the ball on their second drive.

The Rebels went 68 yards in 11 plays and reached inside the Auburn five yard line before Roger McCreary stepped in front of a Matt Corral pass in the back of the end zone and returned it to the Tiger five-yard line. That interception was Corral’s seventh in the last five quarters.

Auburn didn’t waste the opportunity, and turned to the ground game, only really going to the air for a key third down to Seth Williams. Tank Bigsby and Shaun Shivers chewed up yardage on the drive, and Tank capped a 95-yard foray with a short touchdown run to start the scoring. The Tigers went 14 plays and 95 yards to paydirt on the drive, but Ole Miss answered.

Seeing Auburn find its footing in the run game, Ole Miss took the same idea and ran with it. Alternating quarterbacks between Corral and John Rhys Plumlee, Lane Kiffin sent his team to the ground and they went 75 yards in 10 plays for the game-tying touchdown pass to Elijah Moore. Auburn answered on another long drive, this time 79 yards, as Bo Nix took a zone read to the left for the go-ahead score to make it 14-7 Tigers.

Ole Miss didn’t shy away, and hit back with a quarterback rushing touchdown of their own as Corral capped a 78 yard drive with a short stroll into the end zone to tie the game at 14-all with 3:35 left in the half. Auburn reached midfield, but was forced to punt after a sack of Bo Nix, and Ole Miss ran out the clock with just a few seconds remaining until the intermission.

While the first half was a bit blase, the second half brought some drizzle and panache. Auburn was set to receive the kickoff out of halftime, and Tank Bigsby took it 100 yards for the apparent spark and go-ahead score before a soft holding call on Smoke Monday brought back the score. Three plays later, Auburn was forced to punt and the snap went over Oscar Chapman’s head, and the Rebels took over with great field position.

Somehow, Lane Kiffin’s squirrelliness got the better of him, and instead of taking points he elected to fake a field goal, but Roger McCreary made his second huge play of the day and tackled kicker Luke Logan for a loss. Auburn’s offense failed once again and Ole Miss caught the Tiger defense flat-footed on a 60-yard wheel route to Kenny Yeboah. A couple plays later, Corral jogged untouched into the end zone to give the Rebels their first lead of the day at 21-14.

With things seemingly falling apart, you would think that things might be dim on the Auburn sideline, but Gus Malzahn picked his team up, and sent them to work. Auburn took over at the 12-yard line after a poor kick return, but this time mixed up the pass and the run nicely on the ensuing drive. Bigsby converted a third down with a 19-yard run, and then Nix tossed a jump ball to Seth Williams who caught it at the Ole Miss 1-yard line, and Shaun Shivers punched it in for the score on the next play.

That touchdown energized the defense, and they in turn forced a punt thanks to a big Smoke Monday sack on third down. Auburn took back possession and stormed 80 yards on 11 plays (one of them being a pass to the tight end!!!!) with Tank Bigsby flouting rules and restrictions as he embarrassed the Ole Miss defense with a spinning, diving 18-yard touchdown run. Even so, Auburn could not fully take control, as the extra point snap was bobbled, and the Tigers led just 27-21 with 10:12 to go.

That proved to be an emphatic missed PAT, since Ole Miss wove down the field in 13 plays and took the lead on a Jerrion Ealy 5-yard score. Luke Logan’s extra point capped the 77-yard drive and put the Rebels up 28-27, leaving Auburn a little more than six minutes to answer.

In a scary turn of events, Shaun Shivers let the kickoff go by him and roll into the end zone, but the officials blew the whistle before an Ole Miss player recovered the ball and Auburn’s offense was allowed to take the field. It appeared that Shivers did touch the ball, which would’ve resulted in a Rebel touchdown. Somehow, it wasn’t reviewed and Auburn escaped without harm. Even so, a holding penalty put Auburn behind the chains and a three-and-out forced a punt with five minutes left to go and the Tigers down a point.

Auburn’s defense forced a three-and-out of their own, and after a punt and touchback, Bo Nix got one more opportunity to put Auburn on top with a 28-27 deficit and 2:25 to play. On first down, he got sacked, but a completion to Eli Stove and a Tank Bigsby run converted the first down. After that, an out route to Anthony Schwartz moved the chains again and stopped the clock with 1:21 to go.

On 1st and 10 from the Auburn 42, Nix went to the sideline again for Seth Williams, who caught the pass and turned upfield away from an Ole Miss defender, scampering all the way to end zone for a 58-yard go-ahead touchdown. The Tigers converted the two-point conversion and took a 35-28 lead with 1:11 left in the ballgame.

Ole Miss meandered inside the Auburn 30 with :08 remaining, and after Kenny Yeboah dropped what could’ve been the game-tying touchdown, the Rebels faced one last play with :03 to go. Matt Corral rolled out, went past the line of scrimmage, and threw a pick. Ballgame, 35-28 Tigers.

FINAL STATS

PLAYER OF THE GAME

It’s Seth Williams. I started writing this recap early in the second half, and it was Tank Bigsby at that point. It changed during Auburn’s final drive. Williams’ 42-yard go-ahead touchdown was the biggest play of the season for Auburn, and his 135 yards receiving on the day were the sparks that the Tigers needed.

Honorable Mention: Tank Bigsby -

Oh my Tank Bigsby. pic.twitter.com/ArRKX81Zvp

— Saturday Down South (@SDS) October 24, 2020

Honorable Mention: Roger McCreary — the sophomore defensive back prevented two scores with an interception in the end zone and a TFL on Ole Miss’ fake field goal.

PLAY OF THE GAME

It’s this, duh.

OH MY, SETH WILLIAMS!@AuburnFootball takes the lead! pic.twitter.com/jr17s51j5i

— SEC Network (@SECNetwork) October 24, 2020

(I wrote the following before Williams’ game-winning touchdown): It’s difficult not to put Roger McCreary’s end zone pick six, or the long pass to Seth Williams that set up Auburn’s third touchdown, or Tank’s go-ahead score in the fourth quarter, but this block was borderline erotic.

Hello pic.twitter.com/YteMaWmtdn

— PFF College (@PFF_College) October 24, 2020

Aw, heck. Here’s Tank, looking like Cadillac Williams out there.

pic.twitter.com/fAwQT7aB1u

— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) October 24, 2020

UP NEXT

Well, this is going to be hilariously spooked. Auburn gets to play LSU. Next Saturday. On Halloween. At home. On the day of a full moon. Kickoff is at 2:30 Central time on CBS. If Auburn can win that one, it’ll turn a sour past couple of weeks into a pretty solid season heading into October. War Eagle!

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2020/10/24/21531964/game-recap-auburn-35-ole-miss-28

[echodrops]

The Promises I Made (2017-2018)

For the past eleven years, I have spent every New Year’s Eve compiling a list of fifty promises I intend to keep or fulfill over the next twelve months. The results have been truly amazing, and I have kept some promises I never thought I could. This year, for New Year’s, there will be a new set of promises for to me keep, but here are the old ones, for review!

The Promises I Made (2017 edition)

1) I will get a(nother) new job. Or probably just curl up and die. Status: Kept! I got a new job and moved to Texas. 2) I will translate at least one more month’s worth of Regenkatze. Status: Broken. T_T I did a few pages, but I didn’t get far. 3) I will repot all my plants that need repotting. Finally. Status: Kept, amazingly. 4) I will buy actual freakin’ curtains that I like for my house, RAWR. Status: Broken. I bought no curtains this year. D; 5) I will continue to utilize Plant Nanny to track my water intake and keep myself from getting dehydrated. Status: Broken. I was okay at the beginning of the year, but then the usage dwindled. 6) I will complete at least one craft project that requires me to utilize a new skill, like working with a new material. Status: Broken. I didn’t do anything really crafty this year… too busy moving. 7) I will repair the mortar on the fence out front and seal the bricks on the window sills. Status: Broken—ditto the above. Moved out and wasn’t able to really keep any of these promises about my Utah house. 8) I will finish at least 26 books over the course of this year. Status: …I read a lot of fanfiction. A lot. But not too many new published books. Made it to maybe ten counting the readings I had to do for World Lit class but other than that, nothing close to 26. 9) I will trim the grape vine and call the city to see about cleaning out behind the house because the water culvert is flooding into my yard and jeopardizing my garage. Status: Actually kept! It needs to be trimmed again, but yes, I was able to trim it down and keep it from flooding. 10) I will successfully pass Horsemanship II. Status: Kept. 11) I will broaden my music tastes this year by getting into at least three new bands that I have never heard of or in genres that I don’t normally listen to. Status: Kept! I got into a few new K-pop bands and also Spellblast. 12) I will do the laundry at least once every two weeks. I swear it!! Status: Uh… Somewhat kept? At the new house in Texas I have to wear nicer clothes to work so I have to do laundry more often, but I don’t know about at least once every two weeks… 13) I will finish my new Anime Expo costume early and not wait until the last moment! Status: Broken—I didn’t cosplay at all this year. D; 14) I will remove all the rocks from in front of my house because they are hella ugly. Status: Broken; see above about moving out of Utah and no longer being able to work on the Utah house much. 15) I will go to a dentist and get Invisalign or some work done to fix my front left tooth. Status: Broken. I swapped jobs and had to wait for my benefits to restart and then by that time it wasn’t a good time to get dental work done. 16) I will have at least a once weekly “game night” with my roommates. Could be fun. Status: Broken… I think that um… we played a few times. 17) I will replace the battery in my watch, finally. Status: Kept! 18) I will pay off at least half my credit card debt. Important adult thing, yo. Status: Broken, sooooo broken. T_T It just got worse, not better. D; 19) I will learn at least 100 new words in German and document them as I go to keep them fresh in my memory. Status: Broken. I totally forgot that I even made this promise… 20) I will keep up with my new book club as long as it is possible for me to attend (I.e., if I don’t move). Status: Kept. The book club kinda fell apart pretty quick, but I kept up with it until it did. 21) I will be better about walking my dog because I have been slacking lately. Status: Broken, I’m so sorry Kinguin… It’s sooo hot in Texas. 22) I will build a new PC to replace the desktop computer that my dog destroyed. SLFSFJNDFG. Still angry. Status: Broken. Moving sapped all my money away, so I could not afford a new PC. T_T 23) I will get the scratched lenses removed from my glasses and change the prescription on the orange pair of glasses too. Status: Broken. See the above deal with the new benefits not kicking in for 90+ days.

24) Also: I will get my black glasses fixed so that they stop FALLING OFF and flying into the every nearby rock and sharp pointy object… Status: Broken. T_T

25) I will obtain at least one six-star hero in Tales of Link. Don’t look at me like that. Status: Broken—I haven’t played Tales of Link in months. @_@

26) I will design at least ten outfits and post them. (I’m still trying with this one, dammit.) Status: Broken. …I guess I should probably just give up on this one…

27) I will organize my closets, especially the hall closet which looks like a bomb went off. Status: Broken. I moved out of my Utah house which did involve cleaning out the closets, but um… the closets at the new house might be just as bad now…

28) I will actually utilize the stupid Paint Tool Sai that I paid for. At least three fully colored artworks this year. Status: Broken. I was able to draw nothingggg this year. T_T

29) I will level all my battle classes to 70 in Stormblood. Status: Surprisingly broken. I wasn’t able to play much at all after July so my time for leveling just plummeted.

30) I will reach 700 followers on tumblr. You should follow me. I’m only marginally a waste of time and space. Status: Kept! I have 861 followers right now! Thanks everyone for the follows! :D

31) I will learn to make a new (delicious) cocktail or two. Status: Broken. I drank a new delicious cocktail but I didn’t make any myself.

32) I will lose ten pounds. Status: Somewhat kept? I don’t think I made it to a full 10 pounds but I did noticeably lose some weight.

33) I will reach at least 300 species on my birding life list. Status: Kept! I’m at 306 currently, thanks to making to Texas and seeing a bunch of new birdies. 34) I will win NaNoWriMo this year. (But pretend that I didn’t, to not disrupt my blue-purple-blue-purple NaNo site pattern. XDD) Status: Broken. I didn’t even get to like 5,000 words. T_T 35) I will obtain the Astrope mount in FFXIV. Status: HA. I think I’m at like 200/1000 for mentor roulettes. Broken. 36) I will see at least one new bird species in the wild that is not native to the United States. Status: Hmmm, not sure what I was thinking about for this one, but I did not succeed.

37) I will put a storm door on the side door of my house because water is leaking in (due to lack of said screen door) and causing damage! Status: Gonna count this as somewhat kept because I did try to get a storm door installed, but they wanted to charge me $300 just to install the door and I didn’t have the money at the time. But I did fix the gap beneath the door so that it no longer leaks. 

38) I will visit Nicaragua. Status: Broken. T_T I had the chance but things were so bad at work I didn’t want to blow my vacation in case I needed it… And I did end up needing it, so things worked out.

39) I will water my plants more consistently and take better care of them—to the point where the one orchid that hasn’t bloomed in years will bloom again! Status: Uh… somewhat kept? Namely, I moved and left my plants in Utah, but they’re being taken care of by others so they’re alive at least still.

40) I will write at least four new chapters of my Voltron fic. Status: Kept!

41) I will get duct work done to bring heat to the downstairs bathroom and side bedroom. Status: Broken… But we did get a bigger heater for the downstairs so at least it was warmer down there this year.

42) I will update my calendar with important dates—holidays, birthdays, etc.—and be productive about sending cards and well-wishes. Status: Uh… broken. I forgot I made this promise too.

43) I will complete my series of posts about Yato/Hiyori. Really. Status: T_______T One day. One day. Broken. 44) I will pamper myself more—spa day at least once a month! Status: Somewhat kept? Maybe like barely kept. I was good at this for the first couple months, but then it tapered off. 45) I will visit my out-of-town friends more often and make better efforts to stay in more frequent contact. Status: I think I’ll mark this as kept. I visited more people this year, anyway, including @rachelwritesstories! 46) I will make sure the lawn stays decently mowed this year instead of being embarrassingly tall and weedy. Status: Hrm… Somewhat broken/somewhat kept? I did move, but apparently the lawn has been at least somewhat consistently mowed since I’ve been gone. 47) I will do some work on my laundry room to make it look less like a dungeon. Status: Broken. The dungeon persists. 48) I will revise TVR, especially the early chapters, and move it to AO3. Status: Broken. I got like maybe 1/3 of the way through revising the first chapter. Um… maybe in time for KH3 or something? :C

49) I will get an electric tree trimmer to make trimming my trees out front much easier. Status: Kept.

50) I will keep these promises. Status: Mostly broken. T_T

Totals Kept promises: 12 Broken promises: 31 Somewhat kept/broken promises: 7

Jesus, I thought I was glad to see the back-side of 2016… 2016 had nothing on the roller coaster of a year that 2017 was. What a literal dumpster fire. While politics and the environment went haywire around me, my job situation grew untenable again (ooh, but hilarious karma—just last month they fired the shitty boss and REHIRED my old awesome boss… Except of course by then I had already, you know, quit and moved across the country to pursue a whole new career field… Well, c’est la vie!) and I ended up packing up everything and completely changing my life once again…

In just the last two years I’ve swapped career fields twice and randomly packed up and moved to Texas of all places. I experienced the drama of prepping for a hurricane and also got to see it snow in Mexico. Life’s weird.

Looking back on these promises, I honestly don’t feel too bad that so many of them were broken this year. I really had no idea what was going to happen in 2017 when I made last year’s promises, and so a lot of the goals ended up not matching up with my reality in the end. At the end of the day though, I feel like I’m in a much better place today than I was at the end of 2016.

I don’t think 2018 is going to be easy, but I do think it is going to be better, and that’s a good feeling to have. Let’s do this! The new set of promises will be up by tomorrow.

[kateofthecanals]

For The (Not)Watch: Episode 7.4

The Reason HBO Can’t Afford Direwolves Anymore

So this week wasn’t quite AS boring as last week, but that’s not saying much. I almost had an emotion or two. ALMOST...

We open on something other than Dragonstone for a change -- in the Reach(?) and on the Westerosi Wells Fargo Wagon, which Jaime is once-overing, while Bronn hangs out in the background demanding Jaime give him Highgarden, but Biggie Lannister is like “nah, mo’ money, mo’ problems!” Bronn’s not buying that line, though, and feels he should be on the list of debts the Lannisters pay off. He also makes some snarky remarks about Cersei which are actually 100% accurate but of course Jaime, like GoT watchers, is blissfully blind to the truth. Jaime then sends Bronn with the Tarlys to go shake-down local farmers for their sweet, sweet grains.

Then we head over to King’s Landing, where Tycho is hella impressed that Pinhead Cersei will be able to pay off her debts in one lump sum but is kinda bummed to be losing out on that tasty monthly APR. Cersei hints that Qyburn is in negotiations with the Golden Company to join her cause and Tycho vouches for them... but reminds Cersei that the Iron Bank ain’t doing shit until Jaime makes that big deposit.

Next we hit up Winterfell, AND WHO THE HELL LEFT THE KIDS ALONE WITH LITTLEFINGER?? Somehow that snake slithered his way into Bran’s chambers and is attempting some kinda cringeworthy heart-to-heart... Seriously I half-expected him to tell Bran “I’M YOUR DADDY NOW.” Instead he decides to give Bran a gift -- the Valyrian steel dagger that was used to try to murder him in Season 1. Bran’s like... “Thanks?” (But really, isn’t this kinda payback for last week when he threw Sandra’s wedding night back in her face?) LF starts monologuing about Catelyn, and Bran asks if LF knows who the dagger belonged to (I’m guessing just to test LF, because obviously Miss Cleo is gonna know exactly who it belonged to... right??), and of course LF is like “No idea!” Then he randomly mentions the word “chaos” and Bran’s creep-dar goes off, and he interrupts him by saying “CHAOS IS A LADDAH.” Yes, folks, Bran threw LF’s dumbest catchphrase back in his face and it was played off like a genuinely weighty moment and not something that required a laugh track in the background. LF has barely time to react before Meera comes in. LF leaves, and Meera makes the sad announcement that she has to leave to be with her family, and Bran’s just like “Cool, bye then.” And Meera’s like... “bitch that all you have to say to me????” And Bran’s just like “uhhhh thank you for your service?” Meera then be thinking hmmm maybe this is just like a teen comedy and he’ll come wheelin’ after me at the airport at the last minute to profess his love for me? But nah, Bran’s straight-up fixing to ghost her ass, smh. She’s like “my brother, your wolf, and Hodor all died for you, Bran!!” But he’s like

And because D&D would rather leave significant character development off-screen, they have Meera assure us that Bran “died in that cave.” Cool, thanks, good to know!

Meera leaves, and then Bran hears the familiar strings of the Stark Theme, and he knows that Arya is near! Yes, Arya has finally found her way back to Winterfell. She strolls up to the front gates and is immediately given a hard time by the guards in a blatant repeat of the same scene from Season 1 (not the first or last time we will be seeing rip-offs from the first couple of seasons just in this episode alone). One of the guards even tries to PUNCH her (???) before agreeing to left her in but telling her wait while they decide what to tell Sansa. And since WF is being guarded by 2 of the 3 Stooges, Arya is able to just wander off without them noticing.

The guards then enter what appears to be the Bat Cave where Sandra is hiding out and has pretty much no visible reaction to hearing that Arya is in the house. Which is funny because Arya implied to the guards that Sandra would have their asses if she found out they’d turned her sister away. Instead, she just kinda looks bored and is like, “whatever, I know where she is...”

We then go down to the crypts for one of the most-anticipated reunions in ASOIAF-dom!!! Buuuut this is GoT, so it’s all very awkward and forced. Like, seriously, Arya, you’re not fooling anyone...

Sandra runs up to hug her, but just like with Small Wonder Bran, Arya-Bot 1000 barely registers an emotion or even bothers to hug her back. WTF, people???

They briefly have a moment in front of Ned’s statue, which was kinda nice. I mean, they didn’t even call him stupid or anything!! The lowest of low-hanging fruit, but I’ll take it at this point... Then Arya says it doesn’t look enough like Ned and that it should have been carved by someone who knew his face, but Sandra says that everyone who knew his face is dead. Ummmm? Sandra, Arya, Bran, Jon, Cersei, Varys, Sandor, Jaime, Littlefinger, Beric, Thoros... that’s almost a dozen people right there who are still alive that knew what Ned looked like (though I can’t vouch for their stone-carving skills...). Then, as usual, the moment is completely trampled on when the two sisters bond over how they both wished they had killed Joffrey themselves HAHAHAHAHA so sweet. Then Arya tells Sandra about her List, and Sandra’s just like

They make vague allusions to all the things they’ve been through since their separation. They then venture the godswood to say howdy to Bran, who is a party-pooper as usual, calling out Arya on her plan to go to KL to kill Cersei. Sandra asks Arya who else is on her list... SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO BRING UP SANDOR BUT NOOOOOPE CAN’T HAVE ANY DISCUSSION ABOUT THE HOUND WITH OR IN FRONT OF SANDRA EVEN IF IT’S ARYA DOING THE DISCUSSIN’ so she’s just like “eh most of them are already dead.” Then out of nowhere Bran’s just like “check out this new toy Littlefinger gave me” and Sandra’s like “WHY IS LITTLEFINGER GIVING YOU WEAPONS” Bran’s like “doesn’t matter, don’t want it anyway” and gives it to Arya.

The three Starks then make their way back into the the yard, where Brienne and Pod see them, and Pod says, “Good job, m’lady!” and she responds pretty much the same way I did -- “I didn’t do shit.”

Then we hit up Dragonstone, where the Jonerys train is being happily conducted by Missandei and Davos. Both give their respective masters a forced series of “nudge-nudge-wink-wink” moments with regards to the other, so as to to remind the viewers that THIS IS TOTALLY A THING, YOU GUYS. Dany and Missy are taking a stroll, and when they see Jon, they exchange a look like two freshmen girls who have just been acknowledged by the varsity QB on the quad. It’s quite pitiful.

Anyway, Jon takes Dany into one of the dragonglass caves to show her something. Sadly, he keeps his pants on and instead ducks into a tunnel which opens up into another cave with a bunch of primitive drawings on the walls. Indiana Snow then schools Dany on how they were drawn by the Children of the Forest and depict their encounters with both the First Men and the white walkers.

P.S. the CoF totally phoned it in on the FM but got all HR Giger when it came to the WWs.

And even though Jon could have drawn those pictures himself and made up literally everything he said for all Dany knew, she considers this definitive proof of his claims and immediately agrees to help him... if he bends the knee. There’s a lot of whisper-talking and long-held gazes, which I think was supposed to be “sexual tension”.

They exit the cave with their chaperones, where they find Tyrion and Varys waiting for them, looking rather glum. Tyrion drops the bad news that although they took Casterly Rock, the Lannister forces took Highgarden and all the spoils. Tyrion tries to rally, but Dany reams him out for fucking up and suggests he did it on purpose cuz he’s really still loyal to the Lannisters (OH DUHHHHH). She then declares “enough with the clever plans” and decides instead to stick to more stupid ones I guess. To that end, she asks Jon what she should do.

Your QUEEN, ladies and gents. Has no idea what she’s doing and constantly has to ask the (much smarter) men around her to tell her what to do. But the mere fact that she is “in charge” is I guess enough for most people to declare this “feminist”. Sure, okay.

Anyway, Jon tells her that if she uses her dragons to annihilate everyone, she’s just “more of the same” and isn’t giving her followers anything better to hope for. Which is a fair enough assessment but we all know it’s being used to highlight Jon’s “dumb” honor and compassion because DRAGONS SO EPICCCCCC!!!

Back at Winterfell, Brienne is again cleaning Pod’s clock (remember when this kid killed a Kingsguard in the middle of the Battle of the Blackwater? D&D don’t either I guess), but then Arya rolls up on her with Needle and says she wants to throw down with the person who beat the Hound. Brienne’s like “haha cute” but then Arya pulls out all the water-dancing nonsense and completely flummoxes Brienne.

So, for those doing the math:

Brienne beat The Hound; Arya beat Brienne; ergo, ARYA CAN BEAT THE HOUND.

I really wanted to enjoy this scene, but I couldn’t forget that the last time we saw Arya actually spar with anyone was in Season 1 with Syrio. Now all of a sudden she’s the most formidable warrior in the Seven Kingdoms. 

Any-freaking-way, Sandra appears on her perch again (with LF not far behind, of course), and at first she seems pretty impressed with Arya’s skillz, but when it’s over, she just, like, storms off in a huff? Why??

She leaves LF to have a weird stare-down with Arya.

Back on Dragonstone, it’s now Davos’s turn to tease Jon about Dany, implying that Jon was staring at her rack apparently?? Jon’s like “ain’t nobody got time for that” but luckily they run into Missandei where Davos can continue on that train of thought. They then have a conversation about how bastard names work on Westeros (in Season 7?????) and Missandei declares that marriage isn’t a thing in Naath, and Dirty Ol’ Man Davos is like HAHAHAHA not where I come from either, wanna go grab a drink later?? Jon and Davos then start questioning why Missandei is so loyal to Dany, and Missandei begins to talk about Dany like Squeaky Fromme talking about Charles Manson.

^^ waiting for this dialogue to pop out of Dany’s mouth at some point this season...

Davos is basically like SORRY I ASKED. Just then, they’re interrupted by a dingy being pulled up on shore (somehow they didn’t notice this until the were RIGHT on the beach) containing Theon and the straggler Ironborn. Theon sees Jon and is like like “hey sup” and Jon’s all YOUSONOFABITCH!!! but stops just short of roughing him up because of what he did for Sandra. He then tells him that Euron has his sister and he needs Dany’s help to get her back, but Jon says she’s not home right now...

Where could she beeeeeee?? Welp, we hop back over the the Lannister wagon train, which, again, Jaime and Bronn are just sitting and watching. Apparently they are much closer the the Crownlands (or in the Crownlands?) than they had been at the beginning of the episode... They then decide to have some not-so-subtle small talk with Dickon Tarly, whom Jaime again calls Rickon, about how he fought pretty decently at Highharden but how he has yet to be really tested. THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENS, GUYS??? The show is interrupted by a screening of Dances with Wolves--no, wait, that’s just the Dothraki streaming over the hill to fuck shit up... along with Dany riding Drogon.

COMMENCE BATTLE #371 TO DISTRACT THE VIEWERS FROM THE SHITTY WRITING!!!

Yes, it’s all very exciting and well-executed, if you ignore:

The Dothraki would have had to circumvent KL somehow to get there.

They couldn’t have gone by ship because Euron destroyed Dany’s fleet.

Horse-Surfing™

The scene was 90% about Bronn?? For some reason??

Dany, who not 10 minutes ago was complaining about not being able to feed her army, proceeds to destroy all the gold and grain the Lannisters were hauling.

Gratuitous horse violence because “edgy” I guess

WHY/HOW IS TYRION THERE?

So the big climax comes when Bronn gets promoted from Bronn of the Blackwater to Bronn of the Big-Ass Crossbow. Yes, in yet another ham-fisted callback to an early season, Bronn figures out how to use the giant ballista and fires an arrow straight into Drogon’s shoulder, forcing Dany to land. While she’s down, Tyrion is standing off to the side and spots Jaime on the battlefield and is mumbling for him to get the fuck out of there. But this is Jaime Fookin’ Lannister, he doesn’t run away from anything, especially his toxic co-dependent relationship with his twin sister!! So he grabs a spear and begins to charge toward Dany like he at the Hand’s Tourney (except we never actually saw him joust at the Hand’s Tourney, so once again, emotional impact of this moment is M.I.A.). Just as he’s about to strike, Drogon turns and is about to make him dragon kibble when he is rescued at the last second by, presumably, Bronn, and is swept away beneath an extremely deep puddle that just happened to be nearby. The End.

I know there are a lot of show-critics today who are super hyped about this battle (which is apparently a “reference” to the Field of Fire, ugh), but guys... sorry, no. I am way past the point where a showy battle scene is going to make up for all the nonsense that came before it. They’ve tried this trick already -- it was called “Hardhome”. It didn’t work on me then, and it won’t work on me now. I would have rather seen a more meaningful reunion between the Stark sisters than another expensive spectacle. If this is why the direwolves have disappeared, then sorry, I don’t consider it a fair trade-off.

[junker-town]

11 veteran NFL QBs who could be available in 2020, ranked

Marcus Mariota, Andy Dalton, and Teddy Bridgewater could all be on new teams in 2020.

Where will Teddy Bridgewater end up? Marcus Mariota? ... and maybe Cam Newton?

This has been a year of quarterback turnover in the NFL. Thanks to injuries, rising young passers, and outright poor play, 46 different players have thrown at least 25 passes through the first nine weeks of the 2019 season, including non-stars like Devlin Hodges, Luke Falk, and Matt Moore.

2020 will bring more turnover. While much of that will come from a hearty crop of rookie quarterbacks like Tua Tagovailoa, Justin Herbert, and Joe Burrow, let’s ignore those guys for now. Instead, let’s focus on the veteran help who could punch up the middle-class teams that won’t have the opportunity to break through the tank-tastic upper crust of next year’s NFL Draft.

Several veteran quarterbacks who made starts in 2019 will be available for interested teams in 2020. Some will revive their NFL value with big performances in new settings. Others will fall into a pattern of short-term contracts and annual relocations — i.e. the Matt Cassel plan.

Let’s break down next year’s crop of likely-to-move quarterbacks by how desirable they’ll be should they hit the open market. We’ll take out the free agents-to-be with little to no chance of moving — Tom Brady, Drew Brees, and Philip Rivers foremost among them — and backups who won’t compete for a starting job, like Chad Henne, Trevor Siemian, and Mike Glennon.

Then we’ll break the veteran talent pool into two parts: free agent acquisitions and trade targets.

2020 free agents (and likely free agents)

1. Teddy Bridgewater, Saints

Bridgewater bet on himself (and his surroundings) when he opted to turn down a two-year deal with the Dolphins in order to sign a one-year, $7.5 million contract and be the league’s highest-paid backup in New Orleans. That wager paid off.

While the Dolphins were slogging their way to the AFC’s basement and trading off talent, Bridgewater returned to the starting lineup for a meaningful, non-Week 17 game for the first time since 2015. Drew Brees’ torn thumb ligament created a massive opportunity for Bridgewater, who needed some time to shake off years’ worth of rust but eventually won all five of his starts.

Bridgewater was hugely efficient as a starter, completing nearly 70 percent of his passes for 7.9 adjusted yards per attempt and a 9:2 TD:INT ratio in that stretch. He’s been better as a Saint in limited action than he was as a Viking before the 2016 knee injury that threatened to take his career. He’ll be 27 years old in 2020 and ready for a starting role somewhere — unless the Saints can talk him into another year in New Orleans as Brees’ successor.

2. Andy Dalton, Bengals

Dalton’s been good enough to push players like Auden Tate and Alex Erickson to 100+ receiving yard performances in 2019, but hasn’t been good enough to will Cincinnati to a win. That sent him to the bench (on his birthday, no less) and gave the reins to rookie Ryan Finley. None of the $17.5 million due to Dalton in the final year of his contract is guaranteed, and he’s an obvious candidate to be released by the only NFL team he’s ever known.

Throughout his 0-8 start, Dalton was handicapped by a lack of A.J. Green, a nonexistent running game, and some terrible blocking. And though he was throwing for a career-high 281 yards per game, that was the result of an awful team trying to claw back from big deficits; his 6.7 yards per pass is his least efficient number since his rookie campaign.

But the three-time Pro Bowler, for all his warts (and 0-4 postseason record) still brings a reliable presence behind center. He deserves a shot to prove his inability to exist beyond Wild Card Weekend was truly a Bengals problem and not a Dalton one. The only issue is that he’ll be 33 years old next season and competing for a job in a crowded marketplace.

3. Marcus Mariota, Titans

The man who came one pick after Jameis Winston in the 2015 NFL Draft lost his starting job to another quarterback on this list, and it appears his time with the Titans is all but over. Mariota struggled with nagging injuries and consistency issues throughout his first five seasons in the league. That kept him from ever reaching his Heisman-winning top gear.

Oddly enough, the Titans seemed to win or lose independent of his overall play behind center. Tennessee’s most successful season under Mariota also happened to be, statistically, the quarterback’s worst as a pro. His 13:15 TD:INT ratio and 79.3 passer rating in 2017 were each career worsts, but he still managed to pilot his team to a 9-7 record and an upset win over the Chiefs in the Wild Card Round. In his best season (2016), his Titans went ... 9-7, though this time without a playoff berth to finish the year.

Mariota’s inability to spark his offense led to his benching in 2019, but he remains a useful mobile quarterback. Still, he’s thrown for 300+ yards in only 12.5 percent of his games (eight of 64). Next season will give him a chance to prove it was the Titans who had a nine-win ceiling — not Mariota.

4. Jameis Winston, Buccaneers

Since Winston entered the NFL, 2015’s top pick has been the league’s most turnover-prone quarterback. He’s only finished one of those seasons with a winning record (9-7 in 2016), which means he’s spent his budding career eating way more Ls than Ws.

He’s an impact player when he’s on, but his solid 7.9 yards per attempt over the past three seasons is every bit as attributable to having a well-stocked receiving corps (led by Mike Evans) than it is to his high-risk, high-reward philosophy. Bruce Arians’ arrival in Tampa hasn’t done much to change Winston’s ways — he’s the fully formed version of himself at this point.

The Buccaneers haven’t ranked higher than 24th in the league in yards gained per rush in any of the last four seasons, putting an extra onus on Winston to force his spots downfield. There’s a chance throwing him behind a more stable offensive line and an above-average running game could give him more space to thrive.

5. Ryan Tannehill, Titans

The former Dolphins quarterback (and genesis of the Miami Miracle) has assumed the throne in Nashville. He’s been good enough to keep Mariota on the sideline through the second half of the season — in fact, he’s been good enough that he’s currently on pace for his best year as a pro.

That pace is almost certainly unsustainable, however. Despite winning his first two starts as a Titan, cracks began to show the first time he faced a contending team in Week 9. The Panthers held him scoreless in the first half and then let him rack up yards in a second half where Tennessee never trailed by fewer than 10 points. Those sort of empty calories are a Tannehill specialty; even though they don’t show up in the box score, they’re made very apparent by the fact Tannehill has never won more than eight games in a season as a starter.

On the plus side, he’s been a boon for Titans targets like A.J. Brown and Jonnu Smith and could be a better-than-expected placeholder for a rebuilding team flush with young talent. Or he could be the injury-prone QB who missed 24 games between 2016 and 2018.

6. Case Keenum, Washington

Keenum thrived with solid blocking and a stacked receiving corps in his breakout 2017 in Minnesota. Then he was tasked with helming much worse teams in Denver and Washington and has predictably struggled. While the salad days of his Viking tenure — one where he cropped up as a top 10-ish quarterback — are likely irreplaceable, he’s been better than his losing record in Washington suggests.

Despite holes across the lineup and an offensive line that has kept him from gaining any semblance of consistency in the pocket, he completed more than 67 percent of his passes in seven games and threw more than twice as many touchdowns than interceptions. Then injuries and Washington’s eagerness to introduce rookie Dwayne Haskins to his bleak future shuffled him out of the lineup.

Granted, that’s because he’s throwing fewer deep balls — only 15 passes of 20+ yards on the season through Week 9, well behind the 56 he threw in his Minnesota breakthrough. Even so, he’s been better in Washington than he was as a Bronco. At the very least, that should make him a high-leverage backup come 2020.

7. Eli Manning, Giants

Manning will be a free agent next spring. Will he retire? Opt for free agency? Sign back on with the Giants for another year of mentoring Daniel Jones?

Either way, he’s not adding much to an NFL offense at age 39. He’s probably worth signing if you think you’re going to run into the Patriots in the playoffs, though.

Trade target wild cards

1. Cam Newton, Panthers

Newton’s 2019 regular season is over after he was placed on injured reserve due to the Lisfranc injury that has kept him from the field for all but two games. If the Panthers are enamored with backup Kyle Allen — who has piloted the team into the NFC Wild Card hunt in Newton’s absence — they can move on from the most prolific passer in franchise history without any guaranteed money remaining on the final year of his contract.

Trading Newton doesn’t make a ton of sense. His 2020 salary is reasonable and he’s still, you know, Cam Newton. But if team owner David Tepper, who purchased the team in 2018, decides to shake things up, the 2015 NFL MVP could wind up on the trading block. It’s unlikely, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Allen’s passer rating since 2018 is better than Newton’s 90.5, and the veteran quarterback’s last eight games as a Panther have all ended in defeat — though he was dealing with a variety of different nagging injuries in each of them.

What are you getting from 2020 Newton? Good question! It’s doubtful he’ll get back to that MVP form, but even 85 percent of that performance would make him an above-average starter opposing defenses would have headaches containing. If a team out there can give him the blocking and wide receivers the Panthers have struggled to procure, it could lead to a renaissance for the dual-threat QB.

Update: All of that said, it potentially just got a lot easier for teams to acquire Newton one way or another. With head coach Ron Rivera being fired, it’s possible David Tepper will want to completely clean house, and that could include the end of Newton’s career as a Panther. If you believe that’s going to happen, Newton will almost certainly land a starting job next season.

2. Nick Foles, Jaguars

Foles threw only eight passes in the first half of the season thanks to a broken collarbone, but regained his starting role in Jacksonville once he came off injured reserve. If he plays up to expectations, he’ll be nigh untouchable for the Jags, who are counting on him to be the missing piece of their “legit contenders” puzzle.

But let’s say he doesn’t. Let’s say he plays roughly as well as rookie sixth-round pick Gardner Minshew II did in his eight-game stretch as the team’s top passer. There’s a chance the younger QB gets handed the reins while the Jaguars’ front office works out a way to unload a player it gave $50 million guaranteed in 2018.

The biggest caveat with Foles is his inconsistency, especially when he’s not wearing an Eagles uniform. And if he’s on the trading block in 2020, it’s safe to say that’s been an issue again over the last half of 2019. But hey, he’s a Super Bowl MVP.

3. Josh Rosen (or Ryan Fitzpatrick), Dolphins

Miami’s massive rebuild has sold off veteran talent for draft assets, and the crown jewel of that haul will be the quarterback it likely takes with what promises to be a top-five pick. That young passer is going to need a stable backup as he acclimates to the league. That’s likely Fitzpatrick — the man whose three-touchdown game against the Jets led his team to its first win of 2019 — but Rosen could get a chance to restore his value in South Beach to start 2020.

The more likely scenario, however, is that Rosen gets traded in the offseason after struggling with one of the league’s worst teams for the second straight year. While he’s shown flashes of capability behind slipshod offensive lines and hollowed-out WR depth charts, the former UCLA QB has been mostly regrettable as a pro. His career stats through 1.5 seasons: a 54.8 percent completion rate, 12 touchdowns and 19 interceptions in 19 games, and a gruesome 4.4 adjusted yards per pass.

But! He’s only 22 years old and still moldable. Some team will believe it has the right environment to foster his talent.

4. Joe Flacco, Broncos

The Broncos will have to carve out more than $50 million in salary cap space to keep Flacco in orange the next two years, which is ... not ideal. They’d eat more than $13 million in dead cap if they released him before next season, which makes him pretty tough to walk away from outright. That’s so, so much money for a player who made four starts in the month of October, threw one touchdown pass, and landed on injured reserve to kick off November.

Flacco is likely untradeable at that number. But that’s what it looked like in 2019, and John Elway threw some Day 3 picks at the Ravens anyway. Denver’s got two young QBs on the roster it can turn to in Brandon Allen and Drew Lock. If anyone comes calling on Flacco — and again, that’s pretty unlikely — the Broncos will listen.

[djgamek1ng]

Final Fantasy XIV Job Review: Paladin (EXPERIMENTAL AS ALL HELL)

Hey there! I’m back with another post and this time it’s for a Final Fantasy XIV job review! This is very experimental, but I’m gonna try it anyway.

Rules: - The job in question must be played up to level 60 at the very least.

- If the job in question isn’t at level 70 yet, I can not give a final verdict and therefore the review is still a work in progress.

- There will be a final score from 1-100. This is to keep track at what jobs I rate the highest and the lowest

- A review maybe updated in 2 ways: 1) the post gets edited if these are smaller changes and a small post will be made, letting you know a review has been updated OR 2) A completely new review, which would only happen when the new expansion launches or when a job gets a major overhaul.

- Jobs get rated on story (small factor), power in their role and overall gameplay feel (big factors)

Okay, now that we got the boring stuff out of the way, it’s time to start. I’ll be talking about the Paladin job (shortened to PLD and that’s what I’ll be referring it to from now on)! Why PLD? Well, it’s my main job since I started this game all the way back in December (December 30th to be exact)... okay, I might have not been completely honest with that statement. I started out as a Marauder, which goes and becomes the Warrior (shortened to WAR), but I quickly changed my mind and picked up Gladiator to become a PLD. Enough rambling about my personal experiences though, on with the review!

Story: All the stories for the jobs are separated into 3 parts: A Realm Reborn (shortened to ARR, levels 30-50), Heavensward (shortened to HW, levels 50-60) and Stormblood (shortened to SB, levels 60-70). The story of the PLDs starts as follows:

For centuries there have been paladins, sworn to protect the royals of Ul’dah. These are therefore called the Sultansworn paladins. You also have the free paladins, those still loyal to the crown and they still keep their oath to protect, but they travel instead of staying near the royal family. Solkzagyl Keltnaglsyn is one of the few free paladins and accused to be friends with the Monetarists (bad guys in Ul’dah). This is where you the player come in. You are one of the best gladiators and you here that for the first time ever, Jenlyns, captain of the Sultansworn, is teaching outsiders to become a paladin! You’ll have to prove yourself of course, but you being the Warrior of Light and all, pass these tests. You get to learn the whole story of Solkzagyl, that he has stolen the blade Oathkeeper and was therefore labelled a traitor, which also brought down the name of the Sultansworn. Eventually, Jenlyns wants to confront Solkzagyl in a desert. You go there with him, only to find out Jenlyns is raising is sword against you. Why? He believes you are also friends with the Monetarists. You fight Jenlyns and win, but Jenlyns is stubborn. It’s at this point on of the other paladins of the Sultansworn readies his blade to kill Jenlyns, but unfortunately for him, Solkzagyl was around. Solkzagyl kills the attacker, saving Jenlyns. He explains that he was in fact not friends with the Monetarists and he was also looking for Oathkeeper. He also reveals that he is indeed a paladin and is still loyal to Nanamo Ul Namo (the current sultana of Ul’dah). Jenlyns is knocked out by his wounds, but recovers and eventually readies a plan to strike back against the Monetarists. Solkzagyl lends a hand and the three of you indeed do strike back. Solkzagyl afterwards heads off, still looking for Oathkeeper. Jenlyns thanks you for everything you’ve done by giving you the last piece of the Gallant armor (the traditional PLD armor you also see in the character creator when making a gladiator), the body piece (also, you’ve gotten the rest of the armor earlier, it was a trial to see if you were ready to face Solkzagyl). This is the highest honor and actually goes against the tradition, but he considers no one more worthy of it. And so ends ARR’s PLD story.

Onward to HW’s story! It picks up at the end of ARR’s story. Jenlyns puts you through one more trial and after you beat it, he concludes he has nothing to teach you anymore. He lets you go roam around Eorzea to protect her people! ...Until a few steps further you come across Papashan, a former Lalafellin Sultansworn, who has something important to discuss with you. Not there though, since he doesn’t want Jenlyns to hear. So you and Papashan meet at the Ul'dah Dispatch Yard. Papashan informs you that he had contact with Solkzagyl and that he has said that he has retrieved Oathkeeper, but that Papashan also has hear nothing since from the Roegadyn. He grows ever more concerned and he sends you of to the place he believes Solkzagyl to be: Coerthas Western Highlands. There you hear that a large man, presumably a Roegadyn, was attacked and killed. Uncertain to the identity of the victim, you look around and find another Roegadyn named Hundred Eyes. He informs you that the victim was indeed Solkzagyl. He then informs you where he was buried and sends you to there. When you arrive at the grave you meet with a boy named Constaint. He’s there to honor his friend, since Solkzagyl had apparently thought him a thing or two about being a paladin. Later on, you and Constaint team up to find the killers (Death’s Embrace, assassins who work for the Monetarists) of Solkzagyl and trace back a set of gallant armor by important spots. It couldn’t have been Solkzagyl, since it fits Constaint perfectly. Constaint starts to question this, but before we get an answer to it, Jenlyns appears. He has heard from the death of Solkzagyl from Papashan (who you informed) and has come over to pay respects to him. He also notes that your and Constaint’s job stone (which he had just gotten) are glowing rather odd when near each other. This is brushed off until a bit later. You and Constaint continue serving justice and kicking Death’s Embrace’s asses. When all is set and done and Death’s Embrace has been served justice, you get the revelation that Solkzagyl still lives! He also has Oathkeeper, but there is one thing: it doesn’t shine. Oathkeeper is supposed to shine brightly for the most worthy paladin, whose soul is so pure and powerful. There is a problem though, you and Constaint are on equal level worthiness. Solkzagyl says that you and Constaint have to duel so that one soul proves dominant over the other. You win in the duel (was there ever any doubt?) and then you fight Solkzagyl to also establish dominance of his soul. You do so and Solkzagyl tells you over when he held Oathkeeper for the first time. It did shine, but only for a moment. He hands you the sword, believing that it will shine for you and indeed it does. It shines as bright as it did for the previous paladin captains. Seeing as you can’t keep the sword though (since it belongs to Ul’dah), you hand the sword to Jenlyns. The shine fades as you do and Jenlyns asks Solkzagyl to come back to Ul’dah. Solkzagyl agrees, but doesn’t join the Sultansworn again, because once you leave, there is no turning back. Constaint is promising to train as hard as he can, so that he can beat you (no chance of that ever happening) and so concludes HW’s paladin story.

Onward to SB’s story! Tournament arc. End of SB’s story. Seriously, I can type it all out, but it’s seriously just a tournament arc of an anime. It makes no sense to me too, seeing as it’s a PALADIN/KNIGHT (PLD’s japanese name) story arc.

Okay onward to more interesting stuff!

PLD’s power as a tank: PLD at the moment is the best tank in the game. It has everything you want from a tank: tankiness in the form of a good supply of defensive cooldowns, utility to buff the the party’s tankiness and damage. Yeah... PLD is still (even after the WAR and Dark Knight (shortened to DRK) buffs in the current (4.05) patch) probably the highest damage dealing tank. WAR and DRK just need a lot of setting up and while when completely set up potentially dealing more damage, PLD can do that stuff a lot quicker and with more room of error. Anyways, PLD is a great job for both beginners and raiders alike! PLD is pretty easy to just pick up and play and do decent with, but maximizing damage while tanking (assuming your the main tank (MT) of course) is a fun little challenge. So in terms of current strength as a tank (without going into too much gameplay detail), it’s amazing. It just has everything a tank wants at the moment. Do I see nerfs in coming? No, not really to be honest. I just see buffs for DRK and WAR incoming, since they are supposed to deal more damage to make up for the fact that they have less utility. Even if PLD gets nerfed a bit or if the other two tanks get buffed to outshine the PLD, it’s still a very good job too play!

PLD’s gameplay: PLD is a very simple to pick up tank. In fact it’s the easiest tank to pick up and just start playing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun! Fun is subjective of course, but I think they are fun. PLD starts out as a GLD (Gladiator) and kinda... sucks until they become a PLD (Paladin). This is true of many jobs though, so don’t worry too much about it.

Okay to start with the basics of the PLD, you have 3 combos: your Rage of Halone combo (shortened to RoH combo) for enmity generation, your Goring Blade combo (shortened to GB combo) for a damage over time effect (shortened to DoT) of 21 seconds and your Royal Authority combo (shortened to RA combo) for damage.

You also have 2 stances/Oaths: Shield Oath for damage mitigation and enmity generation and Sword Oath for a little extra damage.

You have 2 spells in the form of Clemency and Holy Spirit. Clemency restores your or someone you targeted’s health. If the person you target is a party member, you also heal for 50% of that heal, so if you heal a party member for 1000 health with it, you also get healed for 500 health. Holy Spirit is a very potent (400 potency) magic damage nuke. You won’t be using this as a standalone skill. Instead you will be using it in tandem with Requiescat, one of your oGCDs (off global cooldowns).

Speaking off oGCDs, you have 4: Circle of Scorn (CoS in short), Spirits Within (SW), Shield Swipe (ShS/SS in short) and the aforementioned Requiescat (RS in short). Circle of Scorn is an Area of Effect (AoE) oGCD which also adds a DoT to all enemies hit. Spirits Within is a single target oGCD which is strongest when you are at maximum health. Shield Swap is also a single target oGCD which inflicts pacification (which won’t be relevant on any semi end-game content ever), generates a slight bit of enmity and it can only be used for a few seconds after you blocked an attack. Requiescat is your last, but definitely not least, single target oGCD which gives you a buff when you have more than 80% of your MP. That buff gives you 20% more damage on your attack magic (for now only Holy Spirit) and 20% more healing on your healing magic (for now only Clemency).

You still have your defensive cooldowns. Rampart (role action) is a 20% damage reduction skill on a 90 second cooldown. Sentinel is a 40% damage reduction skill on a much longer cooldown (3 minutes). Bulwark is a 60% block chance increase also on a 3 minute cooldown. Cover is used on an ally, you take the damage for that ally and only get 80% of the damage, so if an ally would take 1000 damage, if they are covered by you, you will take that damage completely for them, but only actually suffer 800 damage. Awareness (role action) negates all critical damage and is on a 2 minute cooldown. Divine Veil isn’t a cooldown for you, but a cooldown for the party. When you get healed, all party members near you get a shield, negating all damage for up to 10% of your maximum health. Convalescence (role action) ups all healing magic you receive by 20%. Anticipation (role action) ups your parry rate by 30%. Passage of Arms is the best looking skill in the game, but aside from that, for the next 18 seconds you block every attack thrown at you and you get this cone behind you. Every party member in that cone you get 15% damage reduction. This can be used both as a selfish cooldown and a party cooldown, since it’s only on a 2 minute cooldown. Hallowed Ground is a very powerful cooldown. It makes you immune to most damage for 10 seconds, however it has a 7 minute cooldown. Then you have Shelltron. Shelltron goes into a different topic, the Oath Gauge! This is your job gauge. Truth be told, this thing is pretty much useless. In Sword Oath you get 5 of your gauge for every auto attack you do and in Shield Oath you get 5 for ever attack you block. You only have 2 skills who use this bar, Shelltron and Intervention, both costing 50 of your gauge (max is 100). Shelltron guarantees that the next attack that hits you is a block and gives you MP back. Intervention is a cooldown you can use on party members. It gives them 10% damage reduction, which can be increased while you use it during Rampart or Sentinel with half their percentages (so +10% or +20%).

So yeah, this is pretty much it for the PLD kit. The only things which I forgot to highlight is Total Eclipse, which is a basic AoE damage move, Flash, which is your AoE enmity generator, and Shield Bash, which is your a move that stuns. So what does PLD get in terms of gameplay? It’s really solid! It’s simple, but really effective. The only downside it has is that it’s defensive cooldowns have such long cooldowns and could use some tweaking. Bulwark for the random chance that it gives to block, shouldn’t be on a 3 minute cooldown. Sentinel could be brought down in terms of both damage reduction and cooldown and it would be better. Hallowed Ground for how awesome it can be, it has a second delay before you become immune and it has a 7 minute cooldown. That’s one of the longest cooldowns of everything in the game. The only thing that has longer that I can think of at the top of my head is Return with 15 minutes. Does this ruin the job though? No! You’ll just have to play smarter with your Shelltrons and your Passage of Arms for mitigation. The only thing I would say is that the job could really do without it’s job gauge and nobody would give a crap. It does nothing, since in this patch your job gauge doesn’t get reduced with half when you swap stances and both skills cost 50 gauge.

So what is my rating of PLD? - Story: 63/100. The HW story of PLD, while flawed, was actually pretty good. ARR was bare, but passable. SB’s PLD story can barely be called a story. - Power of the job: 87/100. Even after the slight nerf to Holy Spirit, it’s still probably the strongest overall tank. It’s so good at the moment. - Gameplay: 95/100. It’s fun gameplay wise, but it’s very simple maybe a bit too simple for some people. It could use a little bit more flow for defensive cooldowns, but it’s still perfectly fine.

Overal score: 90/100. Only things I would like to see for the job is a gap closer, since the other two tanks have gotten one, maybe a bit more complexity and some smoothing out for the defensive cooldowns. Aside from that, it’s a great job for anyone looking to start with tanking!

Thank you guys so much for reading this if you are! This is a long post and it took quite a while to make, so I hope I did a decent job at it. If you read all of this, you are amazing! Give yourself a cookie, you deserve it! Once again thank you for reading this! The next review (if I decide to continue this) is going to be of the Machinist (MCH) job! :D

[flauntpage]

Oh No, We Suck Again- Ten Takeaways from Vikings 23, Eagles 21

I was driving home from The Station Taphouse in Doylestown last night listening to 97.5 the Fanatic after the Eagles’ 23-21 loss.

A caller, apparently on hold for 31 minutes, finally got on the air, proclaimed he was “too drunk to talk,” apologized to Joe Tordy and Joe Staszak, then hung up.

Similar to the Philadelphia Eagles, this guy wasted a good 30 minutes, tried to rally, and ultimately fell short.

Same story, different day for the Birds, who again found a way to underwhelm and disappoint, this time on home turf against a beatable team. They made mistakes, committed penalties, failed to finish drives, and couldn’t get a defensive stop when it mattered most.

It’s hard to find a single area where this team has not regressed since last season. The offensive line has been inexplicably poor. The defense continues to give up big plays at bad times. Doug Pederson does not look like the stone cold killer we saw in 2017 and Carson Wentz does not seem to be anywhere near 100% as he continues to find his feet after the ACL injury and months-long layoff.

I don’t know if it’s a Super Bowl hangover or what, but whatever moxie this team had last year is missing. Think of it as a “mojo” or a “mettle,” the sort of intangible trait that you can’t really define, but you know exists, and it pops up when guys are required to make clutch plays or get big stops or rise to the occasion with everything on the line.

That trait is totally missing right now. In addition to committing head-scratching screw ups week-in and week-out, they just don’t have the “it” factor, to use an old cliche.

It’s true that the NFC East is extremely blah right now, so that’s the glass half-full takeaway from this game. Maybe a short turnaround against a divisional foe this Thursday gets the blood pumping again and pulls the team back to .500, but they better figure it out fast, because 9-7 gets you nothing but a postseason trip to Los Angeles and 7-9 gets you nothing at all.

1) Play calling

41 called passes to 12 called running plays isn’t going to get it done.

Jay Ajayi carried the ball eight times, Wendell Smallwood three times, and Josh Adams once on what may have been Doug’s worst call of the game.

More than just the off-balance run/pass ratio, the problem here is that the Eagles aren’t establishing the ground game early. Doug ran it just five times on 19 first-half plays, one of which was a bullshit handoff before the clock ran out during the sixth series. Take that carry away and it was four runs on 18 first half plays for a 78% to 22% pass/run ratio.

Not only does that screw up the rhythm and flow in general, but offensive linemen prefer to run block instead of pass block. When you ask Isaac Seumalo to pass protect on the first four plays of the first game he’s started this season, what do you think is going to happen? Furthermore, you cannot run play-action passes when you haven’t even established the run in the first place. If I see the Eagles line up under center and use play-action one more time my head is going to explode. If you insist on trying to misdirect defenses in that way, go back to your RPO package out of the shotgun.

Sure, Ajayi might not be 100%. Corey Clement was unavailable for this one and same thing with Darren Sproles, but Smallwood is more than capable of running the ball 6-10 times per game. This is the same situation with LeGarrette Blount not getting enough work last season, then the Eagles magically got better when he started getting more involved in the offense.

Here’s a telling quote from Ajayi after the game, via Zack Rosenblatt at NJ.com:

“Obviously we want to be able to run the ball early and start that rhythm early in the beginning of the game,” Ajayi said in the locker room after the game. “If I remember correctly we had maybe three carries at the end of the first quarter.

“With the offensive line we have on this team, running the ball like that, that doesn’t make sense to me.”

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Run the ball Doug:

2) Fringe battles and situational football

I’ve written in the past about how the Eagles generally have a lot of success winning in peripheral phases of the game – things like time of possession, third down conversion, stuff like that.

It was not the case yesterday evening:

lost time of possession, 33 minutes to 27 minutes

-1 turnover margin

2 for 9 on third down (22.2% conversion rate)

allowed Minnesota to go 4-9 on third down (36.4%)

lost 28 yards on three sacks

2 for 5 success rate in red zone

8 penalties for 52 yards

allowed a defensive touchdown

Honestly, it’s hard to believe they only fell by two points when you consider that they lost just about every fringe battle in this game. The Vikings missing a pair of field goals, which made the game seem a lot closer than maybe it actually was.

3) Mistakes

In no particular order:

Wendell Smallwood’s 3rd down drop

missed tackles in first half (corners were especially poor)

Lane Johnson getting beat easily on the Wentz fumble

Ajayi fumble

two illegal formation penalties on the offense

Jordan Matthews running out of bounds when the clock was going to stop anyway at two-minute warning

two false starts on the same drive

intentional grounding and false start on a three play, -15 yard drive after a Minnesota fumble

Similar to the above entry, this is stuff the Eagles just don’t do, or at least they didn’t do last year.

4) Personnel problems and scapegoating

Isaac Seumalo?

Swapping Isaac Seumalo for Stefen Wisniewski is going to solve the offensive line problem?

I don’t know what Doug Pederson or Jeff Stoutland have against Wis, but they jerked him around with the left guard rotation last year, which gave us a few games of Chance Warmack instead. Thing is, everybody KNEW Wisniewski was the better player and the coaching staff finally caved and ended the ridiculous platoon thing, whatever that was.

On film this year, the entire offensive line has been poor, though the tackles have been probably worse than the any of the interior linemen thus far. But you can’t bench Lane Johnson, right? That’s too risky from an optics standpoint. Wis is the safest guy to bench to send a message.

Right, so this is how Seumalo did on the first series:

Terrible series for Isaac Seumalo. Got driven back on each play. Questionable play-calling by Doug as well. Do you really want him pass blocking all 3 plays?

— Tommy Lawlor (@lawlornfl) October 7, 2018

It feels like Wisniewski is just the week five scapegoat because it’s easier to justify his benching rather than that of a bigger name player (cough, Jalen Mills).

Doug gave a non-answer when asked why he made the switch at guard:

“Obviously in fairness of both Isaac and Stefen, I want to make sure that we evaluate the film on this, and it’s going to be hard, though, because it’s a short week, short turnaround and we’re on to the Giants.

I thought initially, he played well. Isaac played well. We’ll evaluate it again and make the decision moving forward.”

Huh? Okay.

Wis had a different take:

Wisniewski: “I’m going to be honest. I’ve been playing pretty well. I really don’t think that was it. I have some theories, but I’m not going to share those publicly. …It’s frustrating. If I wasn’t a Christian, I’d probably be losing my mind."

— Zach Berman (@ZBerm) October 8, 2018

Good for him for saying that.

Also, not sure how many snaps Shelton Gibson got, but he clearly has an ability to get down the field and catch the ball. Jeffery was targeted eight times and only caught two balls, one of which came from a hard hit on a long third down pass. Dallas Goedert was not very involved on Sunday, nor was Jordan Matthews. I don’t know if Wentz isn’t seeing guys down the field or if they’re not getting open, but he’s holding the ball waaaaaaay too long and does not have the running and scrambling ability that he had pre-surgery.

5) Quotables

For what it’s worth, the common theme among the players post-game was that they were beating themselves, shooting themselves in the foot, self-inflicted mistakes, stuff like that.

A few quotes:

Jason Peters, on whether opposing defenses are doing a better job of scheming the Eagles offense:

“I can’t say that. We had mental errors. We killed ourselves a couple of times in the red zone. We got pushed back, we didn’t get points at times, and sometimes we got three points instead of seven. Right now we’re just killing ourselves.”

Zach Ertz, on the offense’s slow start:

“Not making plays, not executing. The players, we’re just not executing, and that’s the bottom line. We’re getting to the red zone, messed up consistently in the first half, then our backs are against the walls, then we start rolling. We just have to find a way to start fast. We preach it and we emphasize it during the week. It’s talked about, but we have to go out there when the game is on the line and the bullets are flying, start the game, we have to go. Our team isn’t made to – no team in the league first of all is made to – play from a deficit of 17-3. Our team, in particular, is definitely not. We want to give our defense the lead, so those guys can take off with the four guys and dominate like they always do. We just have to play better. It starts with me, I have to play better, we just have to execute.”

Malcolm Jenkins, on if he agrees with the term ‘self-inflicted’ when describing the loss:

“It’s kind of been the thing where [we’re] giving up plays when we know we shouldn’t, penalties, takeaways, turnovers, and then the lack of takeaways; most things we feel like we are doing to ourselves. We haven’t played a game yet where we felt like the team just flat out beat us. That’s the most frustrating part, but it’s up to us to correct those. Obviously with a short week it’s something that we are going to have to trust each individual to look at themselves critically, really, without practice and try to be a more disciplined team this week.”

Fair enough I guess.

6) Jalen Mills vs. Fletcher Cox

It was around 7:35 in the third quarter when Jalen Mills broke up a pair of passes to keep the Vikings out of the end zone.

Problem is, he allowed a 68-yard reception to let Minnesota into the red zone in the first place (of course the Eagles blitzed on that play and didn’t get there, but whatever).

While jawing with Adam Thielen, Fletcher Cox came over and told Mills to get back to the sideline:

Fletcher Cox had some words for Jalen Mills. #Eagles pic.twitter.com/zeRIvu8AyU

— Matt Mullin (@matt_mullin) October 7, 2018

The thing here is that Mills doesn’t understand that:

you probably should just take the moral victory and get off the field after giving up a 68 yard pass play

the optics of celebrating a pass break-up or mouthing off at an opponent look terrible WHEN JUXTAPOSED with a bad defensive play

Again, I don’t think Mills was totally horrendous on the day. He only gave up 19 yards outside of the big third quarter play and logged three PBUs in this game, but, like I wrote last week, his transgressions always look worse because he’s getting beat in open space. In this game he had zero penalties and did well in the red zone, he just got cooked badly on the one drive. Ronald Darby got beat on the Thielen touchdown, if you care about those kinds of things.

But good on Cox for telling Mills to get on with it.

7) The Michael Bennett “penalty”

Here it is, in all of its glory:

Esto fue marcado como "Rudeza al Pasador".

DE Michael Bennett (#FlyEaglesFly) llega tropezando al QB, pero no hay intención de taclearlo debajo de las rodillas.

Hasta lo sujeta para no hacer palanca.#NFL#MINvsPHI pic.twitter.com/h5g6ELEDBj

— Ivis Aburto (@IvisAburto) October 7, 2018

I get it; you can’t go low into the quarterback. But when a defensive end is rounding a blocker and getting shoved to the ground, what exactly is he supposed to do there? Nothing? Put his hands in the air and let the quarterback get away? If anything, he sort of slid down his legs and onto the ankles, where he wrapped him up and held on.

Minnesota took the 15 yard penalty and went on to score there. It was a crucial play in this game.

Bennett blew off reporters in the locker room like he always does, but Malcolm Jenkins had some good things to say about the play:

“I don’t know what he’s supposed to do. If the quarterback has the ball, I know they don’t want low hits on the quarterback, but if you’re falling down, I guess you’re supposed to just let the quarterback go. The explanation from the official was that he has to avoid that hit which means that he can’t do his job; you can’t tackle the quarterback while the quarterback has the ball.

….

What do I tell my teammate to do in that situation where he’s already falling onto the ground? The quarterback has the ball in his hands and he has to avoid the play, which literally means he has to fall and allow the quarterback to continue the down which is the antithesis of his job. It was a tough call, but we have to find a way to overcome it.”

“The antithesis of his job.” That’s an excellent way to explain how absurd it is.

Anyway, since this was a huge play in the game, I’ll drop in the entire exchange with the refereeing crew via pool reporter Reuben Frank (transcription provided by the Eagles’ PR staff):

Can you provide an explanation – at the end of the second quarter, Eagles defensive end Michael Bennett’s sack on Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins was called for roughing the passer. What did Bennett do wrong on that play? 

Walt Coleman: “He went low into the quarterback’s knees with his shoulder, with force. And the rule is that you cannot hit the quarterback low at the knee area or below with force. He got him there with his shoulder, so that’s what I had as far as roughing the passer.”

There was a crowd around Cousins. If he is coming down, how does that change the interpretation? 

Coleman: “It wouldn’t really change it at all. Somebody would have to basically push him and change his direction, change everything, in order for that not to be a foul. You just can’t hit the quarterback at the knee area or below and he got him with his shoulder with force. So that’s what I had as far as the roughing the passer.”

Is that a new rule or interpretation? 

Coleman: “No, that’s the one that’s been there for quite some time. That’s the one they put in several years ago. So that’s not a new roughing the passer. That’s a classic. That one has been there for quite some time now.”

(A “pool reporter” is basically one media member who speaks to the official after the game on behalf of everyone else. He or she shares the quotes with other outlets. There are no traditional scrums or press conferences with referees because it would just turn into a slaughter.)

8) Doug’s best call?

I do think he made the right call to kick the field goal in the third quarter to cut the lead to 14.

Why not? There was plenty of time to get a couple of scores to tie the game, more than 18 minutes.

Then, he went for two to cut the lead to six, which meant all you needed was a field goal, stop, and field goal to tie the game, OR a touchdown and PAT to win the game.

Shrug.

I thought that was a key momentum play at the time, and the Eagles had found a rhythm and were executing during that window of the game, so I didn’t have any issue going for two at that point.

9) Doug’s worst call?

Not a fan of the pitch to Josh Adams, the Eagles’ slowest running back, on 3rd and short during the second drive.

I also was not a fan of the 4th and 1 pass in the 4th quarter, the empty backfield shotgun look, but credit to Alshon Jeffery for making a hell of a catch to move the chains. Carson Wentz would have been allowed to sneak that last year, but I have a feeling they just don’t want him doing that this year on a repaired leg.

And sweet Jesus in Heaven that was a bad challenge flag on the Stefon Diggs catch. Not only did the receiver have two feet in bounds, he might have done three toe taps before getting out of bounds. I don’t know what Doug was doing there.

However –

I didn’t have a problem with the decision to punt after the fourth quarter turnover on 4th and 20. Right then it was a six point game with 9:17 remaining, and you knew you were getting the ball back eventually in a situation where a touchdown could win it. The defense needed to make a stop and didn’t get the job done.

10) Silent broadcasting

I was watching the game at a restaurant with friends, so I couldn’t hear the broadcast very well over the speakers, but I assume Eagles fans thought Joe Buck and Troy Aikman were biased and/or sucked.

I’ve personally never had a problem with either one of them, and I would prefer to listen to that pair plus Erin Andrews vs. a large majority of the other FOX crews currently working NFL games. I would certainly take Aikman and Buck over Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth, for sure.

The one thing I couldn’t wrap my head around was that it appeared as though they cut to commercial when the Panthers were about to hit that 63-yard field goal to beat the Giants. I thought the restaurant changed the channel, but nope, FOX failed to show the end of that game and went right to the Eagles jawn because of the ridiculous NFL broadcasting rules that put the networks in terrible positions.

It’s an outrage.

The post Oh No, We Suck Again- Ten Takeaways from Vikings 23, Eagles 21 appeared first on Crossing Broad.

Oh No, We Suck Again- Ten Takeaways from Vikings 23, Eagles 21 published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[junker-town]

How the Dolphins are tanking, in 3 steps

Dolphins quarterback Josh Rosen sacked by Ravens pass rusher Matthew Judon.

The Dolphins gutted their roster and now they are — surprise, surprise — a very bad football team.

The Miami Dolphins are awful.

That’s no surprise. They were expected to be after they mostly spent their offseason getting rid of talent rather than acquiring it. But it was still staggering to see just how bad the Dolphins were when they kicked off the 2019 season by getting destroyed by the Ravens, 59-10.

While head coach Brian Flores continues to insist the team’s not tanking, there’s no way around it at this point. The Dolphins are bottoming out in a way that’s usually only seen in the NBA.

The one-sided loss to Baltimore was, in all likelihood, the first of many butt kickings Miami will endure in 2019. That’s even apparent to Dolphins players, some of whom asked their agents to get them traded out of South Beach, according to Pro Football Talk.

“The players believe that the coaching staff, despite claiming that they intend to try to win, aren’t serious about competing and winning,” the report said.

Those players are correct. The Dolphins organization is not trying to be a contender in 2019. Its goal all year has been to load up on cap space and draft picks in lieu of wins. That’s a textbook tank job.

Dolphins players aren’t trying to lose, though. Roster spots are too hard to come by and careers are too short in the NFL. They’ll all give 100 percent on the field. Miami is just too far behind other teams in terms of skill to truly keep up and compete.

So how did the Dolphins get to this point? They followed a simple three-step process

Step 1: Gut the roster

Dec. 31, 2018: The best place to start is the day Adam Gase was fired as head coach of the Dolphins after a 7-9 season.

Miami finished the year 31st in total offense and 29th in total defense. The Dolphins were bad at everything, but by still managing seven wins, they didn’t even have a top-12 pick in the 2019 NFL Draft. Being stuck in that 6-to-8-win middle ground — somewhere the team was for most of a decade — prompted coaching and executive changes.

Along with Gase’s firing, football operations were removed from executive vice president Mike Tannenbaum’s control and given to general manager Chris Grier. Former Raiders GM Reggie McKenzie was later hired as a senior personnel executive and Patriots linebackers coach Brian Flores, a first-time head coach, replaced Gase.

March 7, 2019: The first signs of tanking didn’t come until March. It started with the Dolphins releasing veteran defensive end Andre Branch and starting offensive guard Ted Larsen. Still, neither move was too surprising considering they saved the Dolphins about $9 million in combined cap space. Branch signed with the Cardinals, but didn’t make the final roster. Larsen is now a backup for the Bears.

March 13, 2019: The Dolphins made another move on the offensive line by releasing Josh Sitton. He played just one game for the team in 2018 before a rotator cuff tear landed him on injured reserve. It saved the team $5 million in cap space and Sitton retired in April.

That was also the same day free agency began in the NFL. The Dolphins allowed offensive tackle Ja’Wuan James, defensive end Cameron Wake, wide receiver Danny Amendola, and running back Frank Gore, among others, to walk and sign elsewhere.

March 15, 2019: Quarterback Ryan Tannehill was traded to the Titans after seven years and 88 starts with the Dolphins. The two teams swapped late-round selections in 2019 and the Dolphins received a 2020 fourth-round pick.

Tannehill was due to count $26.6 million against Miam’s cap in 2019, a pricy number for a player who struggled to stay healthy or ascend into a top-tier passer. Following the trade — and an agreement to pay $5 million of his signing bonus on the Titans’ behalf — the Dolphins saved a little over $8 million and ate about $18.4 million in dead money. Tannehill will be off the books entirely in 2020.

March 18, 2019: Career journeyman Ryan Fitzpatrick was signed to a two-year contract to be the team’s new starting quarterback. The deal provided the Dolphins with a cheap stopgap solution under center. The two-year, $11 million contract given to Fitzpatrick constituted the most expensive acquisition the Dolphins made in free agency. Only the Cowboys and Rams — two Super Bowl contenders — spent less.

March 28, 2019: Pass rusher Robert Quinn, who came over in a trade from the Rams in March 2018, was sent to the Cowboys for a 2020 sixth-round pick. He led Miami in sacks during the 2018 season with 6.5. The trade saved the Dolphins close to $12 million in cap space and stuck them with only around $1.1 million in dead money.

April 25-26, 2019: Miami selected Clemson defensive tackle Christian Wilkins in the first round of the 2019 NFL Draft and traded its second-round pick for quarterback Josh Rosen. Rosen, a top-10 pick in the 2018 NFL Draft, started one season for the Cardinals.

May 13, 2019: The most significant investment made by the Dolphins in the offseason was a five-year, $76.5 million extension given to cornerback Xavien Howard. He was their only Pro Bowler in 2018 and is now tied to the team through the 2024 season. DeVante Parker, Jakeem Grant, and Jesse Davis received more moderately sized extensions at other points in the offseason.

Aug. 31, 2019: A week prior to their regular season opener, the Dolphins traded starting left tackle Laremy Tunsil and wide receiver Kenny Stills to the Texans. The package of picks sent back to Miami was quite the haul:

Official terms of now completed trade: Houston receives: T Laremy Tunsil WR Kenny Stills 2020 4th round pick 2021 6th round pick Miami receives: 2020 1st round pick 2021 1st round pick 2021 2nd round pick T Julien Davenport CB Johnson Bademosi

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) August 31, 2019

Following the trade, Julién Davenport was slotted in as the Dolphins’ new starting right tackle. No offensive lineman in the NFL allowed more quarterback hits (14) in 2018 or drew more penalties (16) than Davenport.

He lasted just one game for the Dolphins before landing on injured reserve.

Sept. 15, 2019: Jay Glazer of Fox Sports reported the Dolphins have been calling around the league in an attempt to trade running back Kenyan Drake. He led the team in rushing in 2017 and yards from scrimmage in 2018.

Sept. 16, 2019: The Dolphins allowed 2018 first-round pick Minkah Fitzpatrick to pursue a trade after their Week 1 loss, and found a partner after Week 2. Fitzpatrick was sent to the Steelers for a 2020 first-round pick, a potentially great investment considering the Steelers’ many problems in 2019.

Oct. 28, 2019: One day ahead of the trade deadline, the Dolphins traded running back Kenyan Drake to the Cardinals for a sixth-round pick that has a chance to become a fifth-round pick if Drake reaches certain milestones.

Oct. 29, 2019: Instead of trading away any more players on the last day before the trade deadline, the Dolphins made a surprise move and acquired one. The deal was still absolutely a tank-oriented move, though. The Rams sent Aqib Talib and a fifth-round pick to Miami in exchange for a 2022 seventh-round pick. The Dolphins will essentially eat Talib’s salary on LA’s behalf for a little extra draft capital.

Howard summed up the state of the roster following the trade of Fitzpatrick in September:

pic.twitter.com/wLbhtqqNv5

— Xavien Howard (@Iamxavienhoward) September 17, 2019

On the bright side for Howard, the first-round pick acquired from the Fitzpatrick trade is just one of the reasons why the roster around him could be upgraded massively.

Step 2: Stockpile cap space and draft picks

Altogether, the offseason moved the Dolphins to the top spot in salary cap space for the 2020 season. The team is due to carry only $6.9 million in dead money in 2020 and none in 2021.

It also owns the following picks in the next two drafts:

2020

1st round (Dolphins)

1st round (Texans)

1st round (Steelers)

2nd round (Dolphins)

2nd round (Saints)

3rd round (Dolphins)

5th round (Steelers)

5th round (Rams)

6th round (Dolphins)

6th round (Cardinals)

6th round (Cowboys)

7th round (Dolphins)

2021

1st round (Dolphins)

1st round (Texans)

2nd round (Dolphins)

2nd round (Texans)

3rd round (Dolphins)

4th round (Dolphins)

5th round (Dolphins)

6th round (Steelers)

That draft capital and the Dolphins’ ample cap space was the point of the offseason teardown. It’ll be even better if they land the No. 1 pick in the 2020 NFL Draft.

It’s expected to be a good year to draft a quarterback with Alabama’s Tua Tagovailoa and Oregon’s Justin Herbert among the top arms in the class. That’d likely be an appealing route for the Dolphins and — by the look of the team so far — a probable outcome.

Step 3: Lose a lot

There have only been two winless teams over the course of a 16-game schedule in NFL history: the 2008 Lions and the 2017 Browns. The Dolphins can look to both as a source of optimism.

Detroit followed its 0-16 season by drafting Matthew Stafford first overall in 2009. By 2011, the Lions were a playoff team. The Browns also tanked to acquire loads of picks, then selected Baker Mayfield at the top of the 2018 NFL Draft after their winless year. That plan seems to be paying off for Cleveland.

Anything can happen in an NFL game — like a team putting their oft-injured, lunky tight end in on defense, for instance — so it’s not a foregone conclusion that the Dolphins will finish 0-16. But whew, they’re a putrid football team. Right here, we’ll keep track of their season as it unfolds:

Week 1 — Ravens 59, Dolphins 10

There are many ways to dice up the carnage of the blowout, but here are a few stats that put in context just how absolutely terrible the Dolphins were in their opener:

Baltimore had 643 yards of total offense (the most ever allowed by Miami). The Dolphins had 200 yards. That 443-yard difference is the worst disparity in an NFL game since the Vikings trounced the Lions in 1988.

Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson joined Johnny Unitas, Joe Namath, and Drew Brees as one of only four players who has finished a game with more than 20 adjusted yards per attempt in a game with at least 20 passes thrown.

The Dolphins had a time of possession of 19:53. It was their first time having the ball for less than 20 minutes in a game in 14 years.

That’s a good ol’ fashioned steamrolling.

Week 2 — Patriots 43, Dolphins 0

Miami hung in the game longer than expected and trailed only 13-0 at halftime. The game busted open in the second half with the Patriots recording two pick-sixes in the fourth quarter.

At the end of the game, the Dolphins had 189 yards of total offense. It made them the first team since the 2010 Bills to start a season with 200 yards or less in their first two games. That team finished 4-12 with Ryan Fitzpatrick starting at quarterback for almost the entire year.

Miami won’t have to worry about a similar fate ...at least when it comes to Fitzpatrick. The veteran was benched in favor of Josh Rosen the week following that shutout home loss to New England.

Week 3 — Cowboys 31, Dolphins 6

Like the week prior, the Dolphins kept the game close early. They trailed 10-6 at halftime before the Cowboys pulled away with three touchdowns in the second half.

Miami even threatened to take its first lead of the season at the end of the second quarter, but that was ruined by a Kenyan Drake fumble.

HELLO #HOTBOYZ @Thejaylonsmith forces the fumble & @tanklawrence recovers #MIAvsDAL | #DallasCowboys pic.twitter.com/HgCpqEh1zg

— Dallas Cowboys (@dallascowboys) September 22, 2019

The Dolphins gave up 476 yards of total offense to the Cowboys and managed just 283 yards of their own.

Week 4 — Chargers 30, Dolphins 10

The Dolphins actually led a game for the first time in 2019 with an early touchdown that put them ahead of the Chargers, 7-3. It stayed close in the first half with Josh Rosen playing well early and leading the team to a 10-10 tie late in the second quarter.

Los Angeles turned on the jets in the second half, though. The Chargers scored 20 unanswered points and Rosen’s solid day of work was undermined by a baffling interception.

first career pick ✊ pic.twitter.com/INAa3IIig4

— Los Angeles Chargers (@Chargers) September 29, 2019

The Dolphins lost their first four games by a combined 137 points, the worst for any team since 1950.

Week 6 — Washington 17, Dolphins 16

The Dolphins came oh so close to getting into the win column after a Week 5 bye. Washington took a 17-3 lead into the fourth quarter, but Miami started a come back after Josh Rosen was benched and replaced by Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Fitzpatrick led the team down the field on a nine-play, 55-yard touchdown drive early in the fourth quarter and then a nine-play, 75-yard drive in the final minutes. The latter was capped with an 11-yard touchdown pass to DeVante Parker. However, a two-point conversion attempt was unsuccessful when Fitzpatrick’s screen pass to Kenyan Drake was dropped.

The Dolphins two point conversion to win, did not succeed pic.twitter.com/gXSIgdd0p0

— Vikings Blogger (@firstandskol) October 13, 2019

Drake may not have made it in even if he caught the pass. Either way, in the long run, the drop was probably a good thing for the Dolphins.

Week 7 — Bills 27, Dolphins 17

In the middle of the third quarter, the Dolphins had a 14-9 lead and were in the red zone threatening to go up two scores over Buffalo. Then Ryan Fitzpatrick threw an interception and the Bills went on a 98-yard drive that ended with a touchdown.

That was the first of three fourth quarter touchdowns for the Bills, who won despite losing in the stat books to the Dolphins.

Miami had 381 yards while Buffalo had 301. The Dolphins also won in first downs (24 to 17) and time of possession (33:31 to 26:29). Still, they fell to 0-6 with the loss.

Week 8 — Steelers 27, Dolphins 14

A 14-0 start for Miami made the possibility of a victory look attainable. Then the Steelers roared back with 27 unanswered points to win 27-14.

Pittsburgh’s comeback got jumpstarted by a 45-yard connection between Mason Rudolph and Diontae Johnson for a touchdown just before halftime. The Dolphins’ baffling decision to blitz with eight players on the play was so bad that viewers couldn’t help but wonder if there was an ulterior motive for the decision.

All I know is that if I was tanking, this is probably the defense I’d call on 3rd-and-20. pic.twitter.com/5S8ZxubyYs

— Chris Burke (@ChrisBurkeNFL) October 29, 2019

The Dolphins had a lead for more than 37 minutes during the Monday Night Football loss. That was more than double the time Miami had a lead in its first six losses.

Week 9 — Dolphins 26, Jets 18

A win!

The Dolphins fell behind 7-0 after the Jets’ opening drive of the day, but scored the next 21 points to take a commanding lead that they never gave up. Ryan Fitzpatrick led the way with 288 passing yards, three touchdowns, and no interceptions to get Miami in the win column for the first time in 2019.

That’s probably not a great thing in the long run, but it’s not exactly a disaster either. The win didn’t drop out of the top five of the draft order, and the No. 1 pick is still very much a possibility.

Week 10 — Dolphins 16, Colts 12

Out of absolutely nowhere, the Dolphins found themselves on a winning streak by beating the Colts.

The upset victory came with Jacoby Brissett sitting out with a knee injury, forcing Brian Hoyer into the lineup. The replacement quarterback completed just 18 of his 39 passes and three interceptions to only one touchdown.

Another win for Miami isn’t great news for the tanking project, but the Dolphins are still in line for a top five pick.

[buddyrabrahams]

15 biggest disappointments of NFL Week 3

Week 3 of the NFL was not kind to some favorites, as the Minnesota Vikings and Jacksonville Jaguars headlined the list of surprising losers on Sunday. They were hardly the only surprises of the week, however, as there were certainly some surprising moments all throughout the league, from underperforming stars to ongoing troublesome trends to, yes, roughing the passer calls.

Here are 15 big disappointments from Week 3 of the NFL season.

New England Patriots

Woof. The Patriots are looking worse and worse by the week. Many chalked up their loss to the Jags in Week 2 to a lack of motivation and figured they’d come out angry in Week 3. That didn’t happen. The Pats looked totally uninspired against Detroit, opening the game with three straight three-and-outs. They only had three points as of halftime, but looked like they would turn things around in the second half after an interception followed by a touchdown drive to open the third. Then Detroit continued to put up points on them, while the Pats failed to answer. The Patriots were missing a number of defensive starters due to injuries, and it showed. Meanwhile, their former defensive coordinator coached like he knew exactly how to stop his former team. The Lions put the clamps on Gronk in coverage by doubling him often, daring someone else to beat them. The Patriots had nobody else who could. They desperately need Josh Gordon and Julian Edelman in action to provide an offensive boost.

Blake Bortles, QB, Jaguars

The Bortles critics had to keep their mouths shut the last few weeks, especially after an exemplary performance against the New England Patriots a week ago. His outing on Sunday against the Tennessee Titans will give them cover to come out of the woodwork. Bortles threw for just 147 yards and failed to find the end zone, with his passing often inaccurate. It’s unclear whether the lack of a running game was more cause or effect for Bortles’ issues, but whatever the case, it didn’t help either. At least this is the first truly bad game of the season for him.

Sam Bradford, QB, Cardinals

For the good of the Arizona Cardinals, may this be the end of Sam Bradford as an NFL starting quarterback. Sad as it is, Week 3 was actually an improvement as he threw his first two touchdown passes of the season. He paired them with two interceptions for only 157 yards — a rather sad season high — and was ultimately pulled late in the fourth quarter for rookie Josh Rosen. Arizona said they wanted to review tape before deciding who will start in Week 4, but it probably says something about the coaching staff’s confidence in Bradford that they opted to yank him with less than five minutes left and a potential game-winning drive at stake.

The second-half Raiders

It happened again. Oakland entered the fourth quarter at Miami with a 17-14 lead, then were outscored 14-3 in the final frame to lose their third in a row. If there was any good news, it was that Derek Carr did string a drive together in the fourth, but he was intercepted in the end zone. Oakland’s other two fourth quarter drives ended in a punt and field goal, while the Dolphins posted touchdown drives of 70 and 80 yards. That’s three straight weeks of blown fourth quarter leads, and they’ve been outscored 37-3 in the fourth this season. Jon Gruden must figure out what the deal is and fix it.

Colts’ red zone offense

Perhaps this has something to do with the Philadelphia Eagles’ defense, which did similar things to the Atlanta Falcons during the season opener. Still, the Colts could have won this game had they been a bit more ruthless. The Colts entered the red zone five times on Sunday. They scored one touchdown, three field goals, and turned the ball over on downs late in the fourth when trying to punch it in for a go-ahead score. They ended up losing by four, essentially meaning their inability to find the end zone cost them the game.

Randall Cobb, WR, Packers

The Packers weren’t good Sunday on the whole, but if there was one player who stood out among the rest for all the wrong reasons, it was Cobb. He caught four passes for 23 yards, but that doesn’t begin to cover the whole story. Cobb dropped a third down pass in the first half, dropped another on fourth down in the second, and ensured Green Bay’s defeat by fumbling the ball away late in the fourth quarter. A sharper Cobb could have at least made for a closer game.

Clay Matthews’ continued fight against the refs and rules

Three weeks, three roughing the passer penalties on Clay Matthews that most neutral observers will say shouldn’t be flagged. This one was because of his body weight being put on Washington quarterback Alex Smith. Tackles like this are going to be very hard to get out of the game, and Matthews probably isn’t going to adapt. The NFL can respond to that accordingly, but this has become a weekly talking point, and it’s not likely to go away.

Houston Texans

This should have been the game to get Houston on track. Houston was at home against a Giants team that had been struggling and looked very vulnerable. Instead, Eli Manning completed 25 of his 29 passes, the Texans committed two turnovers without forcing any, and got outrun by Saquon Barkley. They stalled out in the red zone, going 2-of-5. There have to be some serious red flags around the Texans at this point. The playoffs don’t seem to be a realistic possibility for this team.

David Johnson, RB, Cardinals

If the Cardinals are making changes to get Johnson more involved in the offense, they’re not working. He showed a flash of what he is capable of with a 21-yard touchdown reception in the first quarter, but that accounted for all but nine of his receiving yards. He wasn’t a lot better on the ground, rushing 12 times for 31 yards. They didn’t even give him the ball on a key 3rd-and-2 with the game on the line late. Obviously a better quarterback than Sam Bradford would likely do wonders for him, but it’s just not clicking at the moment.

Case Keenum, QB, Broncos

There’s a case to be made that this was actually Keenum’s shakiest showing yet under center for Denver. He threw for just 192 yards against the Baltimore Ravens, tossed an interception, and failed to find the end zone. He struggled to move the ball consistently in the face of pressure. An indication of Denver’s struggles to move the ball? Punter Marquette King was called into action seven times on the day. Keenum had gotten by with middling performances previously, but that came crashing to earth on Sunday.

Miami’s run game

Oakland’s run defense looked vulnerable coming into this one, but the Dolphins beat them with just 39 plays and barely needed their run game at all. Kenyan Drake got the most touches, but only got three yards on five carries plus a pair of short catches. Frank Gore got the most carries with six, but only 12 yards. Miami was able to lean on Ryan Tannehill to the detriment of their running back tandem and their stat lines.

Dak Prescott, QB, Cowboys

On the road against a winless team, Prescott had the chance to take the Cowboys to 2-1 and perhaps demonstrate that they should be taken seriously this year. He failed to do so. Despite Ezekiel Elliott having a big game, the offense never got going for Dallas, as Prescott frequently settled for checkdowns or made bad throws. He completed just 19 of his 34 passes for 168 yards and threw two interceptions, both to Earl Thomas, who trolled the Cowboys afterwards. Dak has yet to throw for 200 yards in any game this year, and it’s becoming a serious problem for a Dallas team that is becoming far too reliant on their defense to make plays and keep them in games.

Minnesota Vikings

Favored by 17 points at home against the woeful Buffalo Bills, it was the Vikings who looked like the hopeless 0-3 team on Sunday. Their offensive line play was poor, leading to a lot of early trouble and turnovers for Kirk Cousins. Despite throwing from the first quarter, Minnesota ended with the same amount of yardage as Buffalo, but were dominated in turnovers and time of possession. This is likely a fluke, but it’s still a worrying one for the Vikings, who would have hoped to get off to a better start.

Phillip Lindsay, RB, Broncos

Case Keenum’s cause wasn’t helped by the fact that the Broncos’ top running back did not last long. Lindsay was ejected late in the first half for throwing an apparent punch during a scrum after a Terrell Suggs strip-sack. Lindsay’s ejection hurt him as much as it hurt the team; he’d gone for over 100 yards during Week 2 and looked like he was gaining momentum as Denver’s undisputed lead back. This might hurt him in that regard.

Tevin Coleman, RB, Falcons

You would think Coleman would have produced more in a game that produced 80 combined points between the Saints and Falcons, but it was a passing extravaganza, and the Atlanta lead back was more or less left out of the fun. Coleman got 15 carries, but just 33 yards, though he did add a late touchdown catch to his ledger. Coleman was really good against Carolina last week, and there was some hope that he might be able to take advantage of a New Orleans defense that has been shaky. It didn’t really happen, even if the rest of the offense took off.

from Larry Brown Sports https://ift.tt/2I7MuGa