#and apparently 10 out of 10 Michael Sheens agree

[ingravinoveritas]

So completely here for Michael loving Mrs. Robinson as much as the rest of us…

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

you mean i’m supposed to EAT? and CLEAN MYSELF? and SLEEP?? after sitting in the same spot for the past 8 hours naked eating cheese popcorn and cookies and watching good omens 2 and then crying about good omens 2 and then shitposting about good omens 2 and now it’s 3 am??? FOR WHAT??????????

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: The Volturi

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

The Twilight Saga is one of the most intriguing works of literature of the 21st century, particularly how it has a rich, expansive cast of characters with interesting backstories and motives that get sidelined for the story of the two most generic characters in the entire tale. This is apparent mainly in the Cullens – Carlisle, Jasper, and Alice especially – but it also does hit the villains particularly hard as well.

The Volturi are the most powerful coven in the world of Twilight, essentially the lawmakers and royals who govern all other vampires. For 3000 years, they’ve governed over the vampire rule with iron fists, stamping out anything that might expose the existence of vampires to humans. Their word is unquestioned by the vampires of Earth, their justice is swift to those who break their laws, and their three leaders – Aro, Caius, and Marcus – are forces to be reckoned with.

Naturally, they never receive any sort of comeuppance and are relegated to minor, supporting roles in the story. But what a role they have, and how oh so very interesting they end up being even with their limited interactions with the central cast.

Actor: Aro, the conniving leader, is portrayed by Michael Sheen in the films; naturally, he is the best character of the lot, because Michael Sheen is just a treasure and much of what he touches turns to gold. He really puts forth that charming, affable front Aro needs while giving that beautiful undercurrent of manipulative sleaziness that makes Aro a fan-favorite villain.  As Todd in the Shadows said on Twitter, “The first TWILIGHT gives Michael Sheen the least to do (he's only given a meager zero seconds of screen time, what a waste). He's also not in ECLIPSE (the best movie in the series) but I feel much happier knowing that he at least exists in this universe,”

Jamie Campbell Bower, best known for playing the twink from Sweeney Todd, is Caius, and while this might seem rather silly, the juxtaposition of how absolutely gorgeous Caius is and how absolutely, horrifyingly evil he is just really makes him a more enjoyable villain. Sadly he does not quite steal the show to the extent that Aro does, but expecting other actors to be Michael Sheen is not a good thing to do in the first place.

Christopher Heyerdahl rounds out the trio as Marcus, and while he has the absolute least to do as Marcus is such a depressed slug he does nothing of note in the books or movies, he does at least accurately portray the uncomfortable melancholy and abject boredom Marcus feels in a way that I feel is rather overlooked. As little as he contributes on a surface level, I do feel that the Volturi would be missing something with Marcus and his glum demeanor hanging around, so props to Heyerdahl to adding that extra little spice to the trio, even if it is ultimately easy to miss.

Motivation/Goals: Their goal is simple: to rule over vampires and ensure the species is not wiped out by ensuring they stay in the shadows and don’t overfeed as well as ensuring to keep the numbers in check and recruiting powerful allies to their cause. Their rule is such that even the mere mention of their name can strike fear into the hearts of vampires, and their law is so ingrained in vampire culture that the rules are passed down from vampire to vampire with ease. And yes, if all this sounds totally reasonable, I do agree in principle; the problem is, at least in Aro and Caius’ cases, they are power-hungry psychopaths who seem to be going a bit mad from ruling for about three thousand years.

Aro in particular has gone way beyond the pale in his desire to rule, down to murdering his own sister so that he can manipulate Marcus into ruling with him, while Caius is just an out-and-out psychopath who enjoys violence and torture. Marcus is really the only one who gets away relatively clean, as he is just too depressed and bored to do much of anything, but it’s not like he really argues against what his co-rulers do.

Personality: Aro stands out the most, thanks to be cheery, outgoing, and friendly in his dealings with Bella and the Cullens, but of course this is all but a front; he is a tyrannical vampire dictator after all. He’s also a little bit loopy after thousands of years of exerting his rule, which certainly is evident in how Michael Sheen portrays him. I think what really seals the deal on his true nature is the fact he murdered his own sister, who his friend Marcus loved, just to keep him in the Volturi, and to this day Marcus has never discovered his lover’s killer, never known that he is always right nearby posing as his friend. With actions like that, Aro certainly seals himself in as the most wicked of the Volturi, a tall feat considering Caius.

Caius is absolutely cruel and merciless. He always advocates for the cruelest methods in any given situation, he never wants to take the peaceful route, and if the opportunity arises in which he can end something in violence, he will take it; look how he resolved things in Breaking Dawn where, unsatisfied with a peaceful resolution, he gained a compromise by slaughtering the vampire Irina. He is certainly the most outwardly evil of the three.

Marcus is the least developed, but there’s actually a good story reason for this: he’s bored and depressed due to the death of his beloved, and really feels like he only goes along with Aro because he is his brother-in-law.

Final Fate: Shockingly, the Volturi not only don’t really suffer any sort of setback in Breaking Dawn, they leave peacefully; Aro does witness all of them dying in the most epically gruesome ways possible in a vision, but that doesn’t exactly count, so despite all they do they receive absolutely no comeuppance for their centuries of cruel actions. Aro and Caius really have it coming, to be honest, so it’s a shame that the vision was, well, a vision.

And though they do end up leaving peacefully, there is a catch; they are not exactly pleased with the Cullens for their actions. Kind of makes you wonder if the idyllic little happy ending of Edward and Bella’s will one day be rudely interrupted by the armies of the Volturi holding them down and forcing them to submit or die. We can only dream…

Best Scene: The trouble with the Volturi is that they are almost always all together, but by god, does their death scenes in the vision from Breaking Dawn: Part 2 really take the cake. Bella and Edward tag team Aro and end up decapitating him and then immolating his head, poor Marcus just accepts his fate and commits suicide by allowing himself to be torn apart, and Caius gets the single most brutal death in the franchise where they tear the entire top half of his head off. And it is just as brutal and horrifying as it sounds. Considering how they get away scot free with all of their heinous actions, this is pure and utter catharsis, though let’s be real, poor Marcus did not deserve that. Shame it was all just a vision.

Best Quote: Aro has easily one of the best quotes in the whole series, and it’s really not a quote: it is the utterly hilarious laugh he gives in the second Breaking Dawn film. Witness it for yourself and you will understand. I for one can’t even comprehend how a human being could possibly make a sound like that with their mouth, but by God did Michael Sheen find a way to do it. Frankly, it makes up for the fact the other two really have nothing particularly noteworthy to say.

Final Thoughts & Score: I think the Volturi are some of the best characters Stephanie Meyers created, and I find it a shame that she never really does anything with them other than have them steal every scene they’re in. It’s so weird, because we are so obviously supposed to be rooting against them due to them constantly getting in the way of the Culllens, but as evil and manipulative as they are… it’s hard to argue with some of the points they make. Like their most major and important rule is that vampires not be noticed by humans, and they make sure to regulate numbers of vampires so they don’t cause their stock to dwindle. Considering the behavior of a lot of other villainous vampires in the series, it’s hard to really paint them in a negative light. These guys are pretty much the only thing holding their entire race back from a self-destructive war with humans they know would not end well for them, so are they really that unreasonable?

I’d argue no, at least in theory. It’s pretty inarguable Caius and especially Aro are ruthless and power-hungry, desiring nothing more than to have total control over the vampire world, which they have gone out of their way to ensure they keep control of over the past 3000 years, with the open defiance of the Cullens being the big snarl. But the fact that Bella, Edward, and Renesmee all come across as ridiculously bland, obnoxious, unsympathetic, and creepy makes it really easy to root for them and wish they’d succeed. And of course, the fact that they have Michael Sheen portraying their leader in the films only exacerbates this; it’s the same sort of issue Ferngully had, really.

Aro is easily a 9/10, a testament to how good Meyers could be if she knew where to focus her writing as well as a testament to the fact that Michael Sheen is just an absolute blast. His performance steals the show from everyone else, and he easily overshadows his compatriots; combine that with just how evil and manipulative he is and you have a delightfully devilish vampiric villian. Frankly, Sheen really does deserve most of the credit, because he is able to not only carry the Volturi scenes due to Aro talking the most in them, he manages to make the others look cooler just by being in close proximity to him. They don’t have to do anything, just the fact they’re working alongside this manipulative loon is enough to make them cool.

Caius is a solid 8/10. While he’s nowhere near as hammy and enjoyable as Aro, he is just so disgustingly, unrepetantly evil and cruel it’s not hard to be a fan of him. Combine that with the fact he’s such a gorgeous man, a stark contrast to his hideous black heart, and you have quite a villain, even if he doesn’t quite reach the levels Aro does. The fact that he gets the coolest death in the entire series (even if it doesn’t actually happen for real) really is just icing on the cake.

Marcus is a bit tricky. He really lacks any sort of presence, he’s sort of a non-entity, and he frankly feels like a waste of a character. Here is a character who, with what his backstory reveals, would be a perfect candidate for a turn against his fellow Volturi and perhaps lead to a grand full-scale vampire war in which the Cullens overthrow the “oppressive” government. And Meyers does absolutely nothing with this, and the movies don’t really do anything with it either. Still, I do like the backstory given in supplementary material, and he just seems so sad and miserable all the time; you really get the feel of the tragedy of this character, even if you don’t necessarily have it spelled outright to you. I think he deserves a 5/10 at the least, because I love his concept, backstory, and just general sadness, but so little is done with him I can’t justify giving him anything higher.

It says a lot about how accidentally great the Volturi are that even the guy who barely does anything at all except look sad still gets to be average at worst, though. I don’t think Meyers really comprehended what she had on her hands with these guys, but their actors sure did, and the fans realized more than her, and altogether the Volturi have become one of the most popular parts of the series. And really, they deserve it, as they are portrayed perfectly (especially Aro, though I’m sure I’ve stressed that enough) and steal every single scene they are in. The whole Twilight Saga is so overdone, overdramatic, and campy that this trio of utterly extra vampire dictators are not only the logical step for the villains of this tacky romantic tale, they make the story infinitely better by existing in it.

[romcomathon2016]

Admission (USA, 2013)

Predictions: Alex predicted, based off vague memories of the trailer, that Tina Fey worked in admissions for...somewhere, and Paul Rudd was a parent trying to get his kid into a school? Kat, feeling a desire to mix it up, predicted that Paul Rudd wanted to go to the school himself. Ooooo, a twist!

Plot: Tina Fey is a Princeton admissions officer -- a position that makes her both wildly popular and wildly unpopular. She lives with long-term boyfriend Professor Michael Sheen, but their relationship is...shall we say...lacking. When her boss, Wallace Shawn, declares that this will be his last year as Dean of Admissions, Tina Fey knows she has to be more competitive to get his job. She journeys to Paul Rudd’s hippie school in New Hampshire to meet his first-ever graduating class. You know, one of those farm schools with cows and snowshoeing and stuff. (Okay, you may not know. BUT WE SURE DO. #a very specific New England experience) There, she meets Paul Rudd’s favorite student, Nat Wolff, who is apparently a genius.

BUT OH LOOK, A TWIST (not the one we predicted): Paul Rudd secretly actually brought Tina Fey there to meet Nat Wolff not just because he is a genius, but because Paul Rudd suspects that Nat Wolff, who was adopted, is actually Tina Fey's biological son, whom she gave up for adoption while she and Paul Rudd were both at Dartmouth. (The non-stop East Coast academic name-dropping in this movie, btw. Colleges. Private schools. We lol-ed.) Yeah, he just springs this on her after dinner, nbd, and she’s like WHAT???? and he’s like, “I have a Xeroxed birth certificate that matches with my vague recollection from the Dartmouth grapevine!” (Spoiler alert: this is not the thorough amount of research one should do before dropping this kind of bombshell on a stranger, PAUL RUDD.) Tina Fey, scarred from her disorganized upbringing at the hands of Lily Tomlin, who is...a very specific kind of New Englander, is basically terrified of parenthood, though. So she flees from Paul Rudd. Understandably.

However, also understandably, back at home/work, Tina Fey cannot quite put this news out of her head. Furthermore, Professor Michael Sheen tells her he’s impregnated a co-worker and is leaving her. Yikes. Rough go of it for Tina Fey. Then Paul Rudd, good old persistent Paul Rudd, accompanies Nat Wolff on a Princeton tour** and takes this opportunity to continue to accost Tina Fey. After like...three of these confrontations, she agrees to look at Nat Wolff’s transcripts and whatnot. Shocker — he is not an amazing student. Like, had a D+ average before transferring to Paul Rudd's hippie school. But he does have great test scores and is, like we said, apparently a genius. So Tina Fey, questionably in terms of both admissions-officer ethics and wisdom, goes to bat for this kid she thinks is probably her son.

After some shenanigans -- including Tina Fey hooking up with Paul Rudd and sucking up to all her colleagues -- the admissions committee nonetheless fails, alas, to accept Nat Wolff. (Understandable. Look, it’s Princeton. Nat Wolff, perhaps you should have visited some other schools. Hampshire, perhaps?) BUT THEN. An extremely disappointed, disillusioned Tina Fey receives a phone call from a high school counselor who informs her that one of Princeton’s accepted students will actually be attending Yale. An extra spot!!!! Tina Fey seizes this opportunity, super unethically, and switches up the admissions records so Nat Wolff gets in. OF COURSE SHE IS FOUND OUT IMMEDIATELY, having committed the World’s Most Obvious Admissions-Officer Crime, but, as she knew would be the case, Wallace Shawn can only demand her resignation, not rescind the acceptance, as he does not want Princeton’s whole ~system to be called into question. Clever-ish, Crazed Tina Fey...we suppose...

Anyway, so, she’s lost her job, but it’s fine! She has new meaning in her life! She’s going to bond with her son, Nat Wolff! Right?? NOT SO FAST. Turns out Nat Wolff is not her biological son — Paul Rudd, like, misread the birth certificate, basically. (OH MY GOD. GET IT TOGETHER, PAUL RUDD.) Tina Fey is understandably super pissed at Paul Rudd, etc. Has a confrontation with Lily Tomlin, blah blah blah, grows as a person, blah blah blah... Eventually, she and Paul Rudd get together for real, and she goes to the adoption agency to try to initiate contact with her actual biological son. He writes back that he isn’t ready yet to meet her, but maybe someday.

**A Quick Geography PSA: In this movie, people are constantly driving between Keene, NH, and Princeton, NJ. As people who are familiar with both of those places/have Google Maps, we would like to inform anybody who is thinking of making this drive themselves (MISLED BY THIS FILM, PERHAPS) -- it is a five-hour drive. Not a twenty-minute jaunt, as this movie makes it appear. UNLESS YOUR CAR IS SECRETLY ALSO AN AIRPLANE.

Best Scene: Tina Fey at the English department party she hosts with Professor Michael Sheen, during which he leaves her. Her breakdown is quite humorous. Poor Tina Fey. Also, we enjoyed every time Professor Michael Sheen turned up subsequently, his appearance generally serving to highlight Tina Fey’s sad life. (Oh, Michael Sheen. He’s always so Michael Sheen.)

Worst Scene: Hmmm. Honestly, watching the admissions officers reject the various accomplished high-schoolers was sad. (WE'RE SOFT, OKAY???? WE WOULD NEVER MAKE IT AS ADMISSIONS OFFICERS.) (Although...we did also judge those poor kids a bit ourselves. ONLY TWO EXTRACURRICULARS, HUH. AT PRINCETON???? ...Alas, we are all products of our #millennial time.)

Best Line: “We’re going to play a fun game. It’s called ‘Spot the Nobel Prize Winner.’” — Princeton tour guide, making us nerd-giggle at the beginning of the film. Also, we enjoyed when Tina Fey went to Paul Rudd's hippie school and got dressed down by his Extremely Argumentative & Socially Conscious students, and managed to retort that, GOSH, IN ORDER TO CHANGE THE WORLD, REGRETTABLY, SOME OF THEM MIGHT NEED A COLLEGE DEGREE.

Worst Line: This movie was relatively self-aware and basically fine, for what it was. We didn’t groan at anything specifically.

Highlights of the Watching Experience: "Wait, have I seen this movie? ...Or have I just been to this house??" -- Kat, when Tina Fey first walked into Lily Tomlin's bicycle-filled, plant-filled, New-England-hippie home. Alex: "Girl, we have both been to this house."

How Many POC in the Film: Paul Rudd has a tween son (adopted from Uganda) that, whoops, we did not mention once in the plot summary, but who is actually a fairly major character that we enjoyed. Also, Tina Fey's main admissions-office rival is a woman of color. Those were the big ones. To be fair, it was semi-rural New England/Princeton. #white AF #we would know

Alternate Scenes: Well... It's not like we loved this film, but it did not actively offend us. We probably could not be bothered to change anything about it. We did find it slightly implausible how “rootless and impulsive” Paul Rudd apparently was. He does usually seem like he'd be the other person in that argument, if you know what we mean.

Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: Worse? The poster, while slightly funny, makes Paul Rudd appear even more uncouth in his choices than he actually is. Also, it needs punctuation.

Score: 6 out of 10 highly selective smooches. Look, we should clarify. This was not a great romcom. It was, like, fine. It was inoffensive. The premise is a bit weird. The movie is mostly about Tina Fey. It's kind of funny...sometimes…? We perhaps got particular enjoyment out of this film for personal reasons. #new england #privilege #nothing could be more familiar to us than this collection of well-meaning, miscellaneously wealthy white people who love sailing and/or trees and/or slightly tone-deafly helping the poor

Ranking: 47, out of the 148 movies we’ve seen so far. Welcome to the top 50, Admission! Boy, was that unexpected. (If you are not from this very specific world that we are from, we do not recommend this film. Just to be clear.)