#and anybody who's had a relationship with or is related to a person who views them that way will understand it fucking sucks

[morallygreychaoticneutral]

The Evolution of Passion: Culmination

Decided on a more meaningful steep for this one. Phoenix Rising . calendula, wild cherry bark, green tea, rooibos, rosehips and orange peel.

I got an ask (truncated) from danmeiljie " thoughts about what happens in the woods in act 1, and how he initiates with his partner in the graveyard in act 3, But i was curious if you made any connections to his emotional journey and how that's reflected in these different sex scenes and his role in them."

This is my opinion analysis of the graveyard scene. This one might trigger some people. Please read with caution.

WARNING: Game Spoilers, Topics of Sex, Abuse, and Adult themes/Language. Not underage appropriate.

This is not fact, just opinion based off my own and game experience. As always, how anybody cannons their relationships or behaviors is perfectly right! No blame, no shame, it's your game.!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Raise your hand if you died here. And I don't mean just a "little death".

Gods, the level of impact this confession had was intense given his avoidant nature throughout the game. I equate it to that moment when someone says their pet doesn't like anybody and they decide to sit in YOUR lap. Those moments are pure wild magic. And so was this one.

Taking Tav to the graveyard is another planned move. But not to manipulate them. And, in my opinion, not to seduce them either.

Thanks to Tav's help, he is finally free of Cazador, but he wants them to bear witness as he frees himself from one more captor.

"Maybe, but he did take it. There's almost nothing left of the person I was. Just a name on a rock. For nearly two centuries I stalked the streets like a ghost. While the person I was lay here, dead and buried."

Astarion's first victim was someone he never really forgave himself for unwittingly handing over to Cazador to be consumed. Himself.

To me, his grave is a symbolic reference of who he thought he should have / could have been still buried deep within his subconscious. A person he barely remembered, but still grieved for. Lost and decayed under centuries of abuse. Decades of being whatever Cazador said he was. Sad, pathetic, little, owned, nothing. Hollowing him out into the ghost he felt he became.

Some of the worst prisons and punishment's you can imagine, exist within our own minds. The wardens are the echo's of others belief system. The whips are others' opinions of you. The bars are your own acceptance of it.

"I can't be what you want to see in me."

And what a relatable and lamentable ponderance for a lot of us. Who would we be without various trauma painting our minds and bodies in ways that distort our own view of ourselves?

Would we be more social? More trusting? More loving? More loved? More worthy of our own consideration? More successful? More satisfied? More... alive?

" This place reeks of death and I want to feel alive again."

It is a very rare thing to find someone who is willing to walk alongside you during your "Frankenstein" phase of healing. The chaotic mess of putting yourself back together and figuring out how to function in the new arrangement. The emotional scars slowing our motion. The rage fevers , the imposter syndrome infections, the weeping wounds that bleed on those who didn't cause them, the pain that drives us into a self induced isolations.

"Iv always been alone. I don't see why that would change now."

*frowns into cup with deep understanding.*

But for Astarion, Tav came along.

Understanding that when he growled and snapped it was because he was scared. So they were patient.

Understanding that he craved companionship, but was untrusting of it. But they cared anyway.

Understanding that his vampiric nature didn't make him inherently bad. So they trusted him. Objectively stupid as that was.

Understanding that his need to feel powerful and in control of everything was a grasp at never wanting to feel helpless again. So they helped him feel safe.

Understanding that he couldn't see the good in himself through his blinded eyes. So they offered what they saw of him.

"You saw something in me. Someone else I could be."

What is that? If not love.

It is said that we don't actually fall in love with people. We fall in love with who we become within the love they give us. What he wants is not just Tav on the physical level, but to continue feeling alive within the safety of their love for him.

Accepting that he has always been more than what others made him to be, he now has the strength to not only say goodbye to the idea of who he should have been, but also lay to rest the person he created to survive. Giving honor and forgiveness' to that persona, and making way for the birth of the person he wants to become.

The Star of Bethlehem flower (Ornithogalum umbellatum) symbolizes purity, innocence, honesty, hope, and forgiveness. 

HE gets to choose who he becomes going forward. What was done can not be undone, but he can choose what to do with it. What meaning the sacrifice will have. What the knowledge of it does to him. It has always been in his power to transmute that poisonous experience into something different, something powerful. To rise from the proverbial ashes to be born again. He just needed someone to remind him of that fact.

Consider yourself reminded as well dear reader..

This included reclaiming and repurposing his view and use of desire. Thus his proposition.

"with everything that life has to offer."

If you boil it all down to its base essence, sex is an act of life. Not only intended to create life, but also used to heal and offer connection. When used properly, of course. This has been quite lost in modern times. And this reason, to me, is why most SA survivors never fully walk away from sex. The desire for that intended connection is still there. So his seemingly misplaced flirt of "If a night of passion is on offer, I could be persuaded," actually does make sense here.

He is being cheeky, as he is known to be, but he also wants Tav to know that he trusts them and feels good about them desiring him as well. "I could be persuaded" mirrors Tav's "You don't have me yet." line the first night you are together. Its meant to be a bratty but fun flirt. Very "Oh, I would love a night of passion, but do give me all the reasons why you desire me. No seriously, tell me what you love about me. Wait, maybe you should write it all down."

Also, with Cazador stabbed, eviscerated, beheaded, shit on, burnt, and yeeted off the ledge into the abyss, he is safe to desire Tav now. Sex with him no longer equates to a death sentence.

Unlike the first night in the woods, or the second night at the grove party, Astarion and Tav have developed real intimacy (into me see) between each other. There is no need for power plays and theatrics here. No need to be half naked, using his body as a tool of seduction. No need to be grandiose using pick up lines to entice.

Instead he is fully clothed and mirroring Tav in a kneeling position. Symbolizing their equality in this moment. A very humble " I want all that you are." on his lips.

If I had to categorize MY Astarion into a sexual subtype. I see him as Pan: demisexual. The bond he feels with Tav is strong and for a demi, that is very seductive. You love him too and that makes him feel safe, seen and...well...

Aww..that's so sweet. But, why does he push Tav down?

There are various possibilities for this. If Tav rode him to the ground in the woods, it could be a turn about is fair play move. I mean, very fair if you ask me.

Or, it could be a loud and clear demonstration of him proving he is the master of his own desires now. Its straight forward dominant behavior. No games, no posturing. He pushes Tav back as if impatient to have them submit to him. Crawling up their body, caging them in with his arms and giving them full on, raw, naked, unadulterated eye contact. Claiming their mouth eagerly with is own. Spreading them open to him with his knee. Declaring that they are his and he is in want.

His first blood, first love, and first time in his new life.

Mercy...

It was Tav who wanted to wake up next to a handsome virgin every morning. Right? *wink*

Happy chosen birthday my beloved elf.

Now, for you dear reader.

One thing I want you to remember when you start feeling sad or hopeless that Astarion is not real. That there is no Tav out there for you, remember that you are Tav. You loved this damaged mess in all his undead glory. Which means you have the capacity and ability to give that effort, kindness, love and patience to yourself as well. Not having someone does not mean you are unlovable or unworthy. It just means its not time yet. You may still still have quests to complete and dragons to slay. Or maybe you are the dragon? Hoarding riches and eating idiots who venture too far into your domain. Either way, its all part of being alive. Neither good nor bad, until you deem it such. Chose joy when you can.

[viti-ocs]

Im completely reworking the boys Mahko had with Mimi, because recently I've wanted the kids in my OC universe to have a more active roll in the story instead of being forgettable, useless background characters or props.

The boys have new names and personalities and everything. Mimi is unable to keep them from reuniting with Mahko when they become preteens/teens, unlike originally where he never sees them again after he and Mimi get divorced. Also they're going to end up with complicated/more negative feelings about their mother because I wanna add a dash of my own mommy issues into their narrative lol. But they've also got weird feelings about their dad since he was kicked out of their home when they were both young (another bit of my own issues/trauma lmaoo)

They both eventually go on to completely move in with Mahko and go no-contact with Mimi, much to her anger. I think it'll help motivate her to enact revenge and try to harm/kill Mahko and his friends even moreso than before. After all, someone with nothing left to lose is very dangerous to deal with.

[jeannereames]

I found your blog recently and I can't stop reading it! it's amazing really :) also sorry if i have any mistake, english is not my first language.

I wanted to ask something: Were Alexander's generals jealous of Hephaestion because of his relationship with Alexander? I imagine that in some way they did feel something like that, but is there any conclusive evidence that says how they feel about it?

Macedonian officers were a bunch of sharks, with Alexander as the Great White

My header is the tl;dr version.

We know at least Krateros was jealous of Hephaistion; the sources tell us as much. Alexander even invented a cute little way of dealing with it, calling Hephaistion Philalexandros (Alexander loving or friend-of-Alexander) while Krateros was Philobasileus (king loving or friend-of-the-king). Hephaistion also appears to have tangled with Eumenes, although Eumenes tangled with a lot of people, from what I can tell. And, at least earlier in the campaign, Hephaistion and Krateros might have been, if not friends, at least friendly. But once Hephaistion rose in importance, he was in Krateros’s way.

Basically, all the fellows in Alexander’s orbit were in competition for Alexander’s affection, just as they’d later be in competition for Alexander’s empire after he died (the Era of the Successors or Diadochi).

Remember, in the ancient (pre-Christian) world, humility was not a virtue, and a GOOD person helped his friends and hurt his enemies. None of this “turn the other cheek” business, or “When they go low, we go high.” When they went low, you were expected to cut their throat as they bent.

That said, Curtius (Rufus) at least paints a picture of Hephaistion as someone careful in how he exercised his influence. In Curtius’s introduction of him in his history, he says Hephaistion had more freedom to upbraid the king than anybody else, but exercised it as if given by Alexander, not taken by himself. Elsewhere, Curtius calls him charming. In contrast, Plutarch (or at least Plutarch’s sources) paint a less flattering picture. I think which view modern historians accept depends on which primary source we trust more (or read first). 😉

Only in Plutarch do we find the episode of him pulling swords with Krateros. Curtius doesn’t mention it, nor does Diodoros or Arrian (Justin is too brief). But Diodoros does give the Philalexandros/Philobasileus line (when he recounts H.’s death). Diodoros also records a probably spurious letter Hephaistion supposedly wrote to Olympias, telling her to stop quarreling with him in her correspondence with Alexander. This is not a real letter and may owe to another incident where Alexander was reading a letter from her while sitting next to Hephaistion—who apparently leaned in to read with him. Alexander didn’t stop him but put his seal ring on his lips. I suspect Hephaistion regularly read his mail, but this time people happened to be watching.

Most of the quarrels related about Hephaistion appear to occur later—once his importance at the court had risen. And whatever you read in other historians (Green, Heckel, Anson, Cartledge, Worthington), he doesn’t appear to have been any more quarrelsome than anybody else—and maybe less, if Curtius can be trusted.

But basically, yes, sure, the person loved best by Alexander would be the natural target of others’ envy.

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Since I see you've asking lots of people this, I'm throwing the love right back at ya!

It’s “appreciate yourself” hours! Pick five pieces of writing/art that you’ve done that you love and talk about them! ❤️❤️❤️

aowhebfofhsnwowuwbe AHHH YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY THIS MADE ME ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for asking ❤️❤️❤️😭

Well, let’s see…

I know this isn’t a popular AU of mine, but I really love the Imprisoning War AU (and, consequently, Golden Mercy as well) with my whole heart. Also it has invaded my brain so freaking much I might actually explode LOL. Idk, my mental health and life in general have been not as optimal as I would like, and this AU has been my outlet for that, which is why it’s far more hurt and less comfort than most people like. But I relate to the characters in different ways (people pleaser Link my beloved haha dude I get trying to make everything work for everyone and trying to say yes to everyone and burning yourself out; forever alone and somehow the most rational one Hemisi I feel you girl; everyone relying on you and you have to do it because when you don’t the world falls apart Zelda keep up the good fight girl), I like exploring what happens when you really push the “Zelink has to happen every time, even at the expense of other relationships” agenda that sometimes is tossed around (no hate to Zelink or its shippers, I enjoy some Zelink ships and I know many Zelink shippers who are wonderful. I just hate the idea of forcing them together all the time when there are other relationships that are clearly there lol, I’m salty about how Hyrule Warriors handled it but it was fan service so whatevs. ANYWAY. It creates great drama), and I like showing a realistic depiction of the absolute, if you’ll pardon the expression, shit show that would be left behind in the wake of such a disastrous war that Ganondorf created. It also sets up Ganondorf’s expectations, worries, and views really well for Golden Mercy, and I’m pretty excited to write a Hyrule Warriors long fic and try to redeem that giant jerk while still making it realistic and recognizing he’s a complicated guy. :) They’re all complicated, and I love characters so it’s just so much fun for me. Also, making anybody turn into a good Dad is obviously a passion of mine LOL. I’ll shut up now, but I really love this AU. ❤️ (technically I lumped two stories together for this but they’re all part of the same AU so… there lol)

Blood of the Hero is probably my current favorite long fic that I’m actively updating. The LoZ fandom is sorely lacking good parental figures (and I understand part of that is because Link just doesn’t have parents in his games and partly because people are projecting and that’s understandable), so I wanted to fix it dang it. LET LINK HAVE PARENTS WHO LOVE HIM. BOTW TALKED ABOUT HIS FAMILY. Anyway, I also love letting adults actually have a role in saving the world instead of always leaving it to the poor overwhelmed kids LOL, making them middle aged parents is an absolute bonus. And Abel being constantly tired and burnt out and done with the world speaks to my soul, and Tilieth being the one to hold on to hope despite everything and still have sensitivity and femininity to her while still being a strong character also speaks to my soul. I love them both, and I love showing how determined they are to protect their kids, as any good parent should be. They’re heavily inspired by my own parents, as well as myself, and what I would interpret Link’s parents to be like based on his upbringing and personality, so it was really fun creating their personalities. :)

I have so many Sky-centric stories that I love, but I think my favorite is probably Paradox, I had such a fun experience writing it and loved the idea of giving Fierce Deity an origin story while creating a sense of urgency and confusion and mystery and wrapping it all in a sickfic. :) I cranked that sucker out in thirty minutes and I still think it’s one of my best one shots.

I can only take partial credit for this since @nancyheart11 came up with the original premise, and because @smilesrobotlover has contributed so much as well, but I do love Dad Squad with all my heart. They’re such idiots, I adore them and their quest to save their sons who already technically saved themselves because they’re heroes. Also, the latest development in my brain of including TotK Ganondorf as the main villain from Hero of Shadow seems appropriate in making the big baddie a Bad Dad in a Dad Squad story LOL. Having Majora’s Mask in the hands of Kohga gives me life, though, and I will forever be grateful to Nancy for coming up with that premise HA. I haven’t written much for it lately, but I do love it so much. Also props to her for publishing it on AO3, I could never LOL, I’ll just throw random things on tumblr hahaha. Also, just all the fun we’re all having - the fact that multiple people have written/drawn for this AU makes it all the more precious to me, they’re our collective characters and we all get to play in the sandbox. ❤️

I don’t do much art, I’m not very good at it, but I do want to share one since I’ve shared a bit of it. I have a few pieces I’m actually really proud of, and it’s equal liking for all of them, but I’ll share just one so I don’t talk too much.

I really like this one because for once I kind of drew a face well?? And it’s at an angle I don’t usually draw and it turned out ok?? Also I’ve never drawn rain or wet hair, and I think it turned out well. And I just like Power’s design, especially at this stage in his life where his war attire/design is mixing with his royal attire/design, even if I can’t give it justice. :) Also, I think his tired expression turned out pretty well? Like he has an actual expression?? Anyway. I think it’s decent, I like it. :)

Thank you for this ask, it made me really happy and I couldn’t wait to answer it! :D But I have like 60 works on AO3 and even more here on tumblr, so there was no way I could narrow it all down, but I think I’ve listed most of my absolute favorites. :)

[shoechoe]

do you have any thoughts on diavolo and donatella's relationship, headcanons or otherwise? hard to say with so little in canon, but it must've been something pretty special if diavolo allowed himself to get close to her (as shortlived as it was...)

I absolutely do. I've talked about Donatella a bit in the past, so I'll link some relevant posts to this one here.

(x) (x)

But I do feel like I have more I can say, which I will put under a cut.

In some sense, I don't consider Donatella fully a character as much as I consider her a vector for the plot to get started. She doesn't have a single speaking line in the manga, she's dead before the story starts, and she's only brought up to elaborate on other characters- namely, Diavolo and Trish. Canonically, she has functionally no agency other than being a former partner to Diavolo and mother to Trish (both relationships we see as close to nothing of as Vento Aureo could possibly manage).

Donatella is, in my opinion, a combination of two common writing tendencies in Jojo: one, its tendency to throw in background female characters to have an unexplored relationship with a male character just so they can have a child, and two, the characterization of Diavolo in particular being full of "throwing in a bunch of things that imply something really interesting about him, but with a complete lack of elaboration that leaves the potential unexplored and intent vague" (as I've said before, that's a thing the series likes to do in general, but I think Diavolo has got it bad).

The most obvious implication with Donatella is the nature of Diavolo's past. As we see him in the series, Diavolo is aggressively paranoid of any and all connection with anybody else, including any knowledge about or contact with him. Him having a girlfriend briefly/one-night-stand(?) in the past suggests that he was once not this way, or maybe not as bad as he is in the present story. The knowledge of Donatella also comes with the knowledge that he used to have an alias he would use for interacting with people before he became the Boss and hid away from society entirely, which adds to this.

However, we already have things to suggest that he displayed odd and paranoid behavior even then; namely, him burying his mother under the floorboards at around the same time. To me, I always thought this suggested blood relations were something that always bothered him, though for what reason back then, I'm not sure. Still, this suggests he was never quite a normal person, making his brief relationship even more of an interesting behavior for him (with the implication that Doppio was the one fronting to the public most of the time, yet Diavolo being the one who had the relationship, making it even more peculiar).

We don't really know how long they dated for and we don't know exactly how Donatella felt about Diavolo after he abandoned her and left her with a child. Similarly, we also don't know how Diavolo felt about her; at most, we know his relationship with her is something that he regrets, and when he goes into tangents about how his past haunts him, he's usually alluding to said relationship with her. We do not know about what Diavolo thinks of Donatella as a person present-day.

Personally, I can't see Diavolo carrying particular sentimental attachment to Donatella in present-day Vento Aureo. By that point, he's too far gone to care about anybody, I think. If anything, he probably ceases to view her as an individual and more as a fragment of his past come back to haunt him. If he does have feelings about her as a person, it is likely contempt and frustration.

I have often seen it portrayed as a plot hole that Diavolo didn't just go ahead and kill her early on to save him the trouble; I actually disagree that this is a plot hole. Killing Donatella, I imagine, would only have caused him more trouble than it's worth. Wouldn't people get weirded out at him ordering for the killing of a seemingly random woman, tempting people to look into it? I imagine the only chance he really could've had to kill her was at the same time he faked his death in his hometown, but we don't know if he could've done that, given she was likely somewhere else in Sardinia at the time and he'd have to rush to flee without people noticing.

It is perhaps a little more character-contradictory that Diavolo was not paranoid about Donatella going to look for him until it was revealed she had his child. To me, I think that Diavolo could've not been concerned about her because he couldn't believe she would particularly remember him for so long after he just dated her for a few weeks; he didn't kill everyone in his hometown, after all, just burnt it down. One of Diavolo's shown traits is that he is utterly unable to understand other people caring for each other, so it makes sense he lacks understanding why Donatella would care about her memory of his younger self.

I have also seen it asked why Donatella did not go looking for Diavolo before she was dying. This is something that's not explained, so I find it a fair plot criticism. Personally, I think the most logical explanation is that she was looking for someone who could take care of Trish after she passed. It sounds like she was left without anybody that could take her daughter if she was gone, and so in desperation, she sent someone to search for Trish's father. This explanation would mean that it's less of a sentimental "I want to see the person I dated so long ago just one more time" thing and more of her last-ditch effort for anybody so Trish wouldn't be left orphaned. (It seems most likely to me that Donatella would have a complicated mix of resentment but also a sense of remaining feeling for Diavolo after he accidentally left her with a child. She doesn't seem to ever speak badly about him, but he did do something terrible to her by abandoning her like that.)

As for how Diavolo and Donatella met and got attached to each other... Honestly, I don't think very much that doesn't go into complete fanfiction-territory. That's something we are given literally nothing about. I like to think that Donatella was something a little special to him, even if she only managed to charm Diavolo for a very short time. It does feed into the tragic nature of Diavolo's character; the idea that he once had the inklings of someone who cared about him and he was/could've been happy with, but his paranoia and greed ultimately overpowered anything else, so any kindling of love was never meant to be.

This is pretty long now so I'll leave it at that haha... but that's how I feel about Donatella, generally. She's probably the background Jojo character I care and think about the most. (And I didn't even get into her relationship with Trish as a mother to her lol...)

[cuntyglam]

hi! sorry in advance if this is bothersome, like fr feel free to just delete if you’d like, but for some reason your ask box seems like a good place to go to talk about this? anyway, that “lovingly help her transition” post has me thinking about transfem butch zoro again & just, like, yes sexy muscle woman blah blah but also honestly it just adds several really interesting layers to zoro’s relationship with women, as well as her relationship with strength itself that don’t really get discussed in conjunction with that headcanon & it’s a travesty fr. like, the way she hears kuina- a girl who will come to be the baseline for zoro’s view of strength for the rest of her life in someways- struggle with internalized misogyny as a result of their environment goes from something that frustrates zoro as it relates to his own strength to something that frustrates her on a much more nuanced level because, though zoro may or may not be aware she’s trans yet, if she can’t beat kuina, & kuina can’t be the strongest because she’s a woman, then what hope does zoro have? & that’s not going into the ways that the rhetoric placing any win specifically on zoro’s body rather than skill could be a huge source of dysphoria, & honestly i think that both of those would follow zoro for quite a long time in the context of her being transfem? but it also adds another layer to her taking on kuina’s dream as part of her own- like it was meant to be a pair of women fighting for the title & now that it can’t be zoro would feel like a more gendered? ig? responsibility to take the title on top of just the more directly interpersonal stuff. & it’s also a reading that i think has a very interesting impact on her whole thing with tashigi because i think both in canon & in this context part of what frustrates zoro so much about her is, for all she looks like kuina, she in many ways lacks kuina’s resolve or desire to prove her own strength. for all tashigi is very clearly (rightfully) outraged by the misogynistic expectations placed upon her, we very rarely see any desire from her to better herself for her own sake or in spite of those expectations (though the scene at the end of alabasta is a noteworthy exception) & like where in canon i think zoro tends to fuck with her because of it in a way that’s a tad more spiteful & demeaning, i think in a transfem reading of zoro it’s a bit more like… genuine indignation over how much of her ability to move through the world tashigi is willing to give up as a result of those expectations in comparison to her actual capacity. like it goes from “you wear the face of my dead friend who has come to be definitional to my person while in some ways being antithetical to her existence, & so i am fine talking down to you” -> “you are allowing the expectations placed upon us as women to hold you back & wasting the chances to do better never knowing when you’re gonna die & you can’t even see it. my best friend was willing to fight for it as a very young girl before death caught her, i’ve had to fight for it my whole life, what the hell are you doing to yourself?” & then there’s tashigi’s insistence on zoro’s disconnect being a result of being biologically male… like tashigi goes from irritating to triggering for zoro in a way. & with strength it’s like… kuina defined both strength & girlhood for zoro in a way that is incomparable to any impact anybody else has ever had on her, but the blueprint was cut off before completion, & now zoro is having to figure it out all on her own. & her commitment to being herself takes on a role that’s just as large as her commitment to strength, if not outright merging the ideas in a far more direct way than canon itself. to be the strongest swords(wo)man she has to be a woman who is herself who is able to carry the people she loves for the girl that taught her all this in the first place, yk? plus it just adds a cute layer of solidarity to everything going on with zoro & okiku. anyway sorry if this is too long or irritating or incoherent, just wanted to say butch transfem zoro rights!

oh my gods this is fantastic you need to write an essay NEOW. i’ve always headcanoned zoro as trans masc just because they feel very trans masc to me, and i’ve also headcanoned kuina as someone who may have been trans masc if they were able to grow up, but i really love this interpretation !! it’s just so fantastic, and i really love it. you could do debates or something fr. while i’ve always interpreted their relationship with women and misogyny in a transmasc light it’s so cool to see that reflected on a transfem zoro. i don’t know why i’ve never thought about it but i adore it !!

[gingerylangylang1979]

Sick people are still sick, even if it's addiction or mental illness. We know that but we still don't think and act that way.

I've been wanting to post this for awhile but held back because it's a difficult topic but today I discovered some saddening news that made me feel it was time to talk about it. I'm not going to speak directly to that news or to any of the other situations I'm referencing. You can figure it out if you want but really it doesn't matter who the people are because the people can be anybody.

I'll start by saying I'm the child of a drug addict, my ex-boyfriend was an alcoholic, I've had many friends who have battled addiction and mental health issues. I was deeply hurt by growing up with an addict mother. It is the single most defining thing about me next to being a black woman. I am in my 40's and still grappling with the effects of growing up with her beside me and growing up with her absent from me. The abandonment, isolation, shame, uncertainty, fear, feelings of being cursed, never having normality, all of that will never leave me. All I can do is cope. And I experienced it all over again within a long term relationship in adulthood.

It's probably best that I was estranged from my mother. I know it's best that I left my ex for the last time. I didn't want those people in my live as they were and there was never any way to know if they would ever get better. My mother died. Not a drug related death, ironically she was killed by a drunk driver. Someone else's addiction took her. My ex is still living and the last I knew he was still drinking. A miracle could happen or he could drink the rest of his life.

But what I want to talk about is how we view these ill people. I hated my mother and my ex for a long, long time... until I didn't. That doesn't mean I'm not still angry or no longer hold them accountable. It just means I don't view them simply as my abusers and myself as their victim. It just means I had a shift, not only in how I see them but how I view all people. I had a religious/spiritual conversion at one of the darkest times of my life. Looking back I see that it happened shortly after I left my ex the last time and I was at a sort of rock bottom on every level. I won't go into the long story but will say I came out of the other side loving people. Not in a toxic positivity way, in a genuinely I value people and humanity was put here out of love, made with love, and we all deserve dignity and forgiveness, and can be redeemed no matter what. My whole worldview was rocked. It's a truly radical belief of my faith. Not the supernatural things. I think this because what the average person struggles with the most is just pure love for other people and love for themselves.

And when you view people with love, value life itself, all life, that you can look at a person who doesn't value their own well being and puts the well being of others, even those closest to them, in danger, and still say that person is a child of God who can be redeemed, who is not trash, who is not a loser.

And the funny thing is supposedly we are in a mental health awakening and supposedly see addiction and mental health ailments as sickness. But we still have a hard time accepting that when people are in the worst of their illness that they are indeed sick people. So we label, dismiss, and ridicule them. And if they are a celebrity, forget about it. We want to champion wellness, self care, and therapy but when someone actually desperately needs it and is struggling we shit on them.

I'm in no way saying all behavior is forgiven and there shouldn't be accountability. But after seeing some of what I've seen said recently and especially today it seems like people are just ready to tear someone's complete being down, not just condemn the behavior. I don't think my mom nor my ex were trash. They were deeply broken as we all are, in ways different from myself, or perhaps not and it just manifests in ways different than myself. It still hurts, it always hurts, but they were always hurting, too. It doesn't mean I needed to stay in a place they could hurt me but I didn't degrade their being in thought, speech, or action.

So these people don't deserve to have victims but they also don't deserve to be dehumanized.

We are all worthy of grace. So I'm going to continue to pray for healing of myself and those I know who are struggling.

[scotianostra]

Happy 98th birthday Scottish comedy great Stanley Baxter born in Glasgow May 24th 1926.

Stanley was a child actor who started his career in radio on the Scottish edition of BBC Children’s Hour.

After gaining a degree at the University of Glasgow, he joined the entertainment services during national service where he met comedy actor Kenneth Williams and film director John Schlesinger. Their influence persuaded him to become a performer rather than a teacher.

He returned to Glasgow and spent the next three years at the Citizens Theatre, where he was highly successful, and later appeared in panto with Jimmy Logan. He left Scotland in 1959 to work in television.

He won a Bafta for light entertainment in 1959, for co-hosting the satirical sketch show On the Bright Side. He won two years running, in 1973 and 1974, for The Stanley Baxter Picture Show, and again in 1981 for The Stanley Baxter Series.

Some of his best-loved comedy sketches include Parliamo Glasgow, in which the Glaswegian dialect was presented as a foreign language. It included phrases such as “Izat a marra on yer barra, Clara?” and the uniquely Glaswegian word “Sanoffy”, as in “Sanoffy cold day”.

He remained a favourite of the Scottish panto circuit, often playing the gloriously costumed dame alongside Angus Lennie, Jimmy Logan or Ronnie Corbett, until he retired in 1992.

In 1994 he returned to radio, appearing in plays and sitcoms. In 1997, he was honoured with a lifetime achievement award at the British Comedy Awards. The Stanley Baxter Playhouse ran on Radio 4 from 2006 until 2014.

Even though he retired from TV comedy some 30 years ago, Stanley Baxter continues to hold a special place in the viewing nation’s heart.

He eats well, likes a glass of wine and enjoys a quiet domesticated life. Well into his 80s he was still cycling and swimming. Even when he was in the public eye, he shunned personal publicity, rarely doing interviews or appearing on chat shows.

In his retirement he has written an autobiography but refuses to allow it to be published until after his death, not apparently because it contains any hugely scandalous stories of his celebrity friends, but because he didn’t fancy schlepping round the country doing promotional appearances, press interviews and book signings, let’s hope it is a good few years before it is released then!

A widower since 1997, he says he doesn’t find it difficult to fill his days. “You wonder how you ever had time to work,” he says.

“I miss talking to actors. I can relate to actors better than real people. I have so few friends left. "I suppose I’m a bit of a loner. I’m not the kind of person to drop in on the neighbours.”

In 2020 Stanley in an authorised biography, The Real Stanley Baxter told for the first time of his struggles to come to terms with his sexuality, his efforts to keep the fact that he is gay secret and the effect his troubled marriage had on his life.

The book charts the career of Baxter, who was born in Glasgow in 1926, from his early days as an entertainer in the Army, where he met Kenneth Williams. The Real Stanley Baxter explores the complex relationship with his wife Moira, his early sexual encounters as a teenager, and the strenuous efforts he made to maintain his privacy in later life, including taking legal action over the publication of the diaries of actor Kenneth Williams, a long-time friend, after he had passed away.

Baxter described his discomfort with his homosexuality in the book, writing: "Anybody would be insane to choose to live such a very difficult life. There are many gay people these days who are fairly comfortable with their sexuality, fairly happy with who they are. I’m not. I never wanted to be gay. I still don’t."

If you want to know more about Stanley I recommend watching the feature length documentary, Stanley Baxter's Best Bits - and More, it’s on 5 and you don’t have to sign in to watch the show, it’s just over an hour long so settle down with a cuppa before viewing. https://www.channel5.com/show/stanley-baxter-s-best-bits-and-more

[akutasoda]

chapter ten - coffin dancer

　↳ vampire!luocha x reader

warnings - gn!reader, fluff?, reference to canon-typical blodd drinking, pining, wc - 1.4k

the universe was quite vast and you should know, you had visited most of it. you had always decided that becoming a traveller in this vast universe was something that you wanted to do. and from your very first opportunity to leave and travel, you took it with no regrets. moving from one place to anither always had it's ups and downs but no matter what you were content with your choice.

you found it rather enjoyable, visiting random places and experiencing what they have to offer before doing the same on yet another planet. and by now you had managed to far and wide and sure you hadn't travelled all of it - that surely would take most of your life - you always found new things to do in places you had visited before. the only downside to being a wandering traveler was relations.

ever so often you would bond with a particular person in wherever you currently stayed, spending quite a bit of time with them and letting them show you around their home planet before begrudgingly having to depart. sure you would still keep in contact but sometimes travelling certain distances interrupted signals and made relationships strained and hard to maintain. so as painful as it was for you, you made the decision to never get too attached to anyone you met.

and that involved travelling as a single person. most people didn't want to adapt to your choice of living and you understood but sometimes you still wished a companion would show up. someone who was like you and was very willing to travel the galaxy. it was just a small hope that became more and more apparent after leaving behind so many new friends. but it seemed the aeons had taken pity.

luocha also was quite the fan of a wandering travellers lifestyle more specifically the route taken by travelling merchants. he, himself having travelled quite a fair distance in the galaxy. he had adapted this lifestyle for quite a few reasons but two very prominent ones were the fact that it appealed to him and the other due to his kin. the universe was filled with various species and some had more of a negative reputation to them and unfortunately he was apart of that group.

he is still unsure on what his kin could've done to build such stigma but there was nothing to do about it. vampires were often viewed with caution and distrust meaning quite alot of people, if they knew, would choose to stay away from him. so travelling in solidarity was quite the welcome option.

anybody that looked at him wouldn't immediately scream about him being a vampire. the most obvious would clearly be his insistence on carrying that coffin with him anywhere, but that could very quickly be covered up by his role as a travelling merchant. he knew it was quite cliché but he did like it. even his fangs weren't that visible, you would have to be practically in his face to tell. but this had mainly come from him constantly hiding his true origins despite travelling alone.

sometimes, he too would long for someone to travel with but overcame it pretty quickly and brutally. and thus content with his lifestyle. but it seemed that even as a sole traveller his path was meant to cross with another sole traveler. luocha was undoubtedly on the luofu for less than desirable purposes. and you were there revisiting to keep up with a particular good friend. someone you had met with everytime you had visited luofu, and in fact the luofu was somewhere you had visited quite often. afterall you had managed to be classed as a honoured guest by the general himself.

and yet every time you had visited you never recalled seeing a blonde haired man dressed quite like that before. and neither did your friend. obviously you weren't just going to ditch your friend to talk to the rather suspect man but maybe tommorow you may cross paths again. you had plans to visit a few other places on the luofu and yet there he was again. this time you approached him. luocha was initially quite internally startled that you had approached him so blatantly but quickly amused the conversation.

very quickly you found out he was also a traveller, this excited you very much as you rarely crossed paths with such. the conversation carried on longer than either of you guessed it would but that didn't matter as you both enjoyed conversing with the other. so much so that upon departing, the feeling of missing the other was greatly reciprocated, unspoken but still there. you had sparked luocha's intrest in many ways, so much so that he decided to use up most his time in search of you. hoping that you two could have yet another conversation.

you realised how much time you had spent with the man you now knew as luocha, and realised how risky and bold this move could be. call you crazy but you felt a connection with him and recconned he could finally becomea travelling partner that wouldn't up and leave. so with much hesitnce, you proposed the idea of travelling with one another. and to both of your surprise it was met with a quick yes. luocha still had some unfinished business to attend to and you respected that and patiently waited until he was ready.

he wanted to leave in quite the haste but you didn't mind. you both had agreed that worst case scenario you both would depart upon the planet currently staying in. but it seems that wasn't necessary. travelling with the merchant seemed to only strengthen your bond and eventually you weren't just travelling as fellow wanderers but as friends. but even through this whole time, luocha was still harbouring his secret.

he never intended in the first place to tell you, but now was more insistent on it. you were the first person he enjoyed the company off let alone properly travelling with. so he was hesitant it may ruin that. he still couldn't even fully understand why he enjoyed being around you so much. so he let it stay a hidden side to him and he planned to keep that from you as long as possible. but it seemed the aeon's didn't like this.

very soon you noticed a shift in behaviour with your companion. it was light yes, but it was so unlike him. he normally was so calm and composed and now the smallest thing set him off on one. and thenhe would disappear and comeback perfectly fine for a few hours. and it was by pure accident how you found the truth.

it was after a particular outbreak on a new planet that you're concern peaked, so you apologized for your friends actions to the locals and went to go confront him and what truly was going on. and that's how you found him, desperately looking for something within his coffin justt to pull out a bag that you could only guess contained blood before he realised your presence and turned around looking incredibly guilty.

after that instance, luocha felt as if only denying it would make it weirder and so came clean, waiting for the hate and classic stigma his kin faced. just to be met with a simple 'ok'. you had travelled far and wide, met various species and formed your own opinions not blindly believed in rumours and stigma spread around. so why would you truly care that luocha was a vampire? you thought it was pretty neat.

it had felt as if a weight was lifted of his chest, and it seemed to change nothing in your relationship - if anything making it stronger. and so you both continued as normal, however now you had the tendency to tease him about his origin. but throughout all this, luocha started slowly realising just why he felt so attached to you. why he agreed to travel with you as a pair.

he realised that these weren't just feelings of kinship and kindness, but something more. something that admittedly made him think about you constantly. the only downside being he wasn't sure were you stood on him. but if anything he just had to figure out were you stood to take the appropriate steps for the future. wether that be travelling together as friends or as something more. he preferred that option in his opinion.

[tirfpikachu]

as someone with bpd it sounds like that girl has bpd. I behaved in the exact shitty way with new fps lol

DAMN IT U MIGHT BE RIGHT....... at least bpd-adjacent reactions. i have bpd as well and it took ages for me to grow out of that.

rn she's stuck living with her toxic family and is really isolated, not working or studying, waiting for a big chronic illness-related surgery. and she has a lot of trauma & anxiety & insecurities. she also says she doesn't want therapy cuz she's still living with toxic family, so she doesn't think it'll do much lol even though i told her i do nooot date girls seriously if they have issues unless they're heavily therapized. i feel like she's the type of sapphic who will uhaul VERYYYYY easily, especially to escape her current situation. and i get it bc i've been there. but it's also a suuuuper bad idea. if things continue i know i 100% will have to be firm about her moving into her own place first and doing some growth. i CANNOT have a repeat of what i've been thru in the past... and i've been on both ends. it rarely ends well.

if you've been traumatized and have low self-esteem imo it's always best to have some time to heal on ur own and develop your own strong sense of independence before you add someone else into your living space, or even date. i also wouldn't wanna live w anybody while i still have my senior bunny anyways since she's very messy, and i'm still learning how to juggle chores on my own. my ex did a loooot for me out of love, but honestly it was rly bad for both of us. including me bc i lost important life skills over time and it made things only harder and harder. it was enabling my anxiety & low self-esteem, and they felt bad for me so they weren't setting up boundaries no matter how many times i checked in w them. i refuse to put me or any other girl through that, bc now post-relationship my amt of guilt was/is insane. and it could've all been avoided!!! it's almost never worth it. she's already been kind of oversharing about very personal struggles. i know i share a lot, but i'm just generally like this as a therapized ambivert adhd chick with pretty decent emotional intelligence. and to her it seems like i'm an oasis bc no one else is giving her the very bare minimum. but it's still the BARE MINIMUM. so her gulping down my attention with such desperation makes me go HMMMMM... bc she's clearly not fully in her right mind or stable in her sense of self.

and it actually doesn't make me feel special, it really doesn't make me feel seen. i feel totally replaceable since i'm only giving her what any decent person would, she's just had bad luck. it's kind of... boring? because she's not actually getting to know me, she already has a perfect idea of me in her head and has me on a big piedestal bc i treat her decently. and we haven't even met irl yet, so i'm feeling the pressure building already lmao. she likes the idea of me, not the real me. it's limerence, basically. and this girl has been dating strictly long-distance beforehand afaik, and those are barely relationships the grand majority of the time, if you don't meet irl regularly or haven't spent a very extended amt of time together face-to-face beforehand. she doesn't notice there's endless fish in the sea. i don't want someone to choose me bc she thinks i'm the only option that's gonna come around... i wanna be chosen carefully and weighed against other choices. she's in a dark place in her life and i'm super aware of that, and viewing things critically & keeping my feet on the ground. i don't even know her enough to like her yet lmao... it feels so weird. it's hard, having been on both ends of the stick. but if she expects me to be exclusive before we even meet irl she'll be very disappointed lol... i don't put all my eggs in the limerence basket anymore. those kinds of girls are a bit scary honestly. it's like they see you as a character from a tv show. you're a blorbina not a real person.

i have charming girl swag so i have been a fp endless times... i'm really living up to my heartbreaker jacket hahaaaa 🫠 i don't think i'm gonna even do anything remotely spicy with her until i know she actually knows me and is realistic about this whole thing. i'm into casual too, but this chick would fall a billion times harder and be even more heartbroken if i decide she's not my serious type. i feel like i have a casual type in girls & a more serious type, and she does kinda have potential, but i don't see it as true potential unless the person is stable and secure in herself. otherwise... who tf am i even dating?

[duckielover151]

Some OPLA Thoughts: Episode 7

This one was really interesting. There were some definite changes made to Nami's backstory that I honestly haven't decided yet whether I like or not. (Or maybe 'accept' is a better word than 'like'...)

I think it's a shame that live action-only viewers won't get as complete a view of Bellemere. Of how she used to be a troublemaker just like Nami... only to straighten herself out in the Navy... and then surprise everyone by giving that life up to raise two orphans she'd found when she was still so young... There was this palpable sense of pride in the town regarding Bellemere in the anime that I just didn't get here. But there may still be time for more flashbacks in the denouement, once Arlong's taken care of.

What we're not going to get back is that Nojiko definitely has... maybe not less of a personality, but I feel like there's less purpose to her presence here.

This is where I'm a little torn, because I think Nami's backstory as the live action depicts it does still work. The one where she offers herself to Arlong willingly and genuinely doesn't let on to anybody that she's doing it to try and save the town and not out of greed or a more selfish sort of survival.

But the anime's version was just so powerful. That Nojiko knew her sister's true intentions... that she was the only person Nami could rely on (or so she thought) whenever she returned home... It just gave a whole different kind of depth to their relationship. And a different kind of strength to Nojiko for being in on it, her sister's confidant.

I think the emotion behind the scene where Nami tells her everything is still really great. I don't think the live action's version is a bad portrayal. And I understand that it was likely tweaked because the nuances of the original would have taken more time to get across than they had. ...Like I said, I'm just a little torn. Mourning the things we lost a bit. (But it's nowhere near how I felt about them leaving out some fundamental things about Kuina so...)

I've gotta say, shoutout to Lily Fisher, who played young Nami. It's not like I've had any complaints about the acting/casting so far, but she really killed it. There are big name adult actors who don't achieve the kind of emotion she poured into her lines here.

They did not skimp at all on Arlong's crew and Arlong Park, and it's been really great. (Though I have to say, I haven't noticed Hachi anywhere in the crowd yet... I'm hoping to see him show up in the battle.)

There's been so much included in every single episode... This one was almost entirely spent in Nami's village, exploring her background and motivations... but it still feels so dense. I'm really glad they were prepared to dedicate so much time to it. (Though I really loved the scene at the Baratie this episode. Helmeppo and Koby getting shit done while Zeff and Garp are on their date... Koby actually brought up an angle I've never considered before-- that Helmeppo might be able to relate to Luffy... just a bit? for growing up on the reign of Axe-Hand Morgan, maybe wanting some freedom? I'd like to see that explored.)

And you know what? I'd actually already seen the scene where Nami finally breaks down and asks for Luffy's help, and I wasn't all that impressed by it. It felt kind of awkward in the live action. But seeing it again, as part of the whole episode, right after Arlong's speech, preparing his crew to destroy the village... Seeing it as part of the whole episode, it evoked all the emotions it was meant to.

I am just a little bit worried about the last episode maybe feeling rushed? I've seen the screenshot of that iconic scene where they all formally announce their dreams as they're heading into the Grand Line and... There's just no way they can get there with only one episode to go, right? Loguetown can't happen in season one, if we haven't dealt with Arlong yet. They must move that scene up, because there just isn't time.

But this adaptation has made me so eager to see this crew reach the site of Roger's execution... I haven't even finished it yet, and I'm already impatient for season two!

[royalpain16]

Sophie Wessex Felt 'Intimidated' by Princess Diana Who Made Her Cry during Their 1st Meeting, Book Claim

By Oyin Balogun

Sophie Wessex and Diana had a rough start at the former's introduction into the family. Sophie tried to rise above the discrimination of being a "commoner" in the royal house and make a meaningful impact.

Sophie Rhys-Jones and Princess Diana, July 14, 1994 (Lady Sarah Chatto's wedding)

Sophie Rhys-Jones, Countess of Wessex, is the wife of Prince Edward, Queen Elizabeth's youngest son and Earl of Wessex. The royal, a daughter of Christopher and Mary Rhys-Jones, grew up in Kent and trained as a secretary. She chose a career path in public relations, and while working in that capacity, she met her husband.

Sophie met her husband when he was scheduled to meet Sue Parker, a former tennis player, for a photoshoot for the "Prince Edward Challenge." The athlete could not make it, and Sophie stepped in and saved the day by taking the photoshoot with him. A relationship burgeoned.

In 1999 1993, the couple met again at a charity event, and they kickstarted their relationship, which would end in marriage. Sophie did not become wife and countess of Wessex until five years later, when their burgeoning relationship took a step further and resulted in marriage in 1999.

When interviewed and asked why it took so long to propose, the prince explained that if he had proposed earlier, chances were high that Sophie would have declined. He said:

"It's impossible for anybody else to understand why it has taken me so long. But I don't think it had been right before and I don't think Sophie would have said yes. Hopefully the fact that she has said yes means I've hit the timing right."

DIANA AND SOPHIE'S FIRST MEETING

Sophie who started her career in public relations and worked in firms such as Capital Radio, grew up in a middle-class family with her father, a businessman.

The Countess of Wessex, who blended into the royal family after her marriage and ran her duties with all diligence, did not have it easy with some people who referred to her humble background. One such person was Princess Diana.

While still the girlfriend of Prince Edward, Sophie and Diana had a chance meeting when members of the royal house had afternoon tea with the Queen.

It was reported that Diana cupped her face in her hands and stared hard at Sophie amidst the polite conversation and chit-chat. The countess felt threatened and had to take leave from her highness to exit the room and broke down in tears while Edward consoled her.

It seemed like there was a cold war between the two young wives in the royal household, and it's believed that Diana could not comprehend how Sophie, from a low background, would "rub shoulders" with bonafide members of the royal household.

After the "tea episode," Sophie became careful of the Princess of Wales and tried not to get too involved with her. On the wedding day of Lady Margaret's daughter, at the church's steps, Diana tried to strike up a conversation with Sophie.

Wary and alert, Sophie guessed Diana had an ulterior motive for this gesture; to create a moment where pictures of them together could be taken by photographers.

It seemed it was not only Sophie who was wary of the Princess of Wales and her unseemly attitude. A friend of the royal house made this statement concerning princess Diana and Sophie:

"Sophie's view was shaped by the royal one, that the princess was manipulative, cunning and conniving"

Sophie, Countess of Wessex, now Duchess of Edinburgh, February 24, 2009, London

The royal family allegedly brainwashed Diana, and Sophie felt sorry for how Diana had treated them. Princess Diana's private secretary for eight years, Patrick Jephson, also commented on how the royal house perceived her. She said:

"In their view she had put herself outside their charmed circle and was now relegated to the role of outsider."

It seemed that the members of the British royal house had a unanimous perception of Diana and thought her trifling and troublesome, and everyone steered clear of her.

Diana, Princess of Wales, February 15, 1984

Starting in the royal family had its dips and lows for Sophie. The constant comparisons between herself and Diana by the press and people were terrifying to her. The press made it a point of call to compare the courtship period of Sophie and Diana with their spouses.

Sophie was engaged to her husband for five years before they tied the knot in 1993 1999, unlike Diana, who married Prince Charles five months after courtship.

One of the presumed reasons Diana "looked down" on Sophie was that she was from an aristocratic home, unlike Sophie. The latter was a commoner with her father running an import-export tire business.

Diana, Princess of Wales, January 13 1997

Princess Diana was a fashion-forward icon with striking features, and Sophie was constantly set side by side with Diana. During her engagement, the tabloid would use similar pictures of both women and place them side by side. This did not go down well with Sophie.

Another thing these two women did not have in common was the way they handled the media. Sophie and her husband were very private, unlike Diana, who was not so tight-lipped and revealed details of her husband's affair and her infidelity. Paul Thompson, a London reporter on the royals commented that:

"She and Edward have always been very private. Unlike Diana, she doesn't have a shine to the limelight"

To her credit, Sophie, with her PR background, knew how to handle the press and create a good image. Diana was new to the media when she got married and did not know how to deal with them until much later. Thompson said, "Diana was naive when she dealt with the press; we won't be seeing that with Sophie."

On the occasion of her birthday, photographers stormed her office to get shots of the countess; Sophie's reaction was unlike what Diana would have done. Commenting on her reaction, Thompson recalled:

"She got out of the car, took the bouquets of flowers from well-wishers – Di would have never done that – looked the photographers straight in the eyes, gave them their pictures and then said, 'Thank you very much' and walked into work"

After the demise of Diana, society was ready to fill the void she left, and Sophie felt like the most suitable candidate as she was in favor of the public and royals. Jane Proctor, editor-in-chief of Tasker, a British society magazine, said concerning Sophie:

"People just want to fill a hole right now, but she is no Diana."

The Princess of Wales once compared the society's reception of herself and Sophie. It was recalled that "Diana reportedly once called her "little Miss Goody Two Shoes" and asked Fergie (Duchess of York), "Why is she getting such an easy ride? We were thrown to the wolves." {If I recall, somebody else said these words}

Queen Elizabeth II and Sophie Wessex on December 25th, 2002

Things didn't go all that smoothly for Sophie as a royal as she once experienced some unpleasantness. A tape was reportedly released about Sophie and her partner in her PR firm (R-JH), Murray Harkin, about indiscretions spewed by both.

The countess made statements about public figures in the royal house and the political scene. She revealed her political standing and confidential information in her possession under her position as a royal household member.

The content of this tape was spread across ten pages of national newspapers and was a big deal for the royal family. Once accused of using her royal connections to benefit her business, Sophie quit it after her marriage and devoted her time to her kids, the royal house, and charities.

Sophie and her family have since bonded with the Queen after the death of the Duke of Edinburgh. They became more affectionate after the monarch's demise and shared beautiful moments.

Talking about how she copes with the comparison between her and the late Diana, she said: "And I don't think I could have coped with that level of pressure or expectation. Everyone said: "Gosh, doesn't she look like Diana?" Then they thought: "This isn't going to be much good because she's not turning up every day in different outfits, opening children's hospitals," you know. I do some of that but not as much as they'd like.

This year's platinum jubilee celebrations of the Royal Windsor Horse Show will be memorable for Sophie and Edward as their daughter, Lady Louise Windsor, will be the one driving the carriage of the Duke of Edinburgh.

With many charities and organizations she runs and the daily running of the royal home and her household, Sophie has her hands full and still manages to keep her head up.

[gunsli-01]

I’m not sure if you’ve talked about this before, but in preparation for her second trial I wanted to ask you what you think of Mahiru’s behavior in her first voice drama. The entire thing is extremely uncomfortable to me, but I might be viewing it from a biased lens. I’m just not really sure what point is trying to be made with her character, if you add her flirting with a fifteen year old into the mix…?

Sorry, this response is so late I've been out of town until yesterday morning and spent most of yesterday unconscious. While, I can understand some people’s discomfort when it comes to Mahiru’s behavior during her first voice drama… I can’t help but feel like it’s the same as harping on the use of fang in Triage. Where yes, her behavior can have negative connotations, but every other connotation is being conveniently ignored. “To extract that fang now.” Like oh Kotoko is in so much trouble the person with the brass knuckles and police baton is going to be taken out by the doctor who ultimately admitted that if he’s put under even an inkling of the mental stress or restraint the other guilty voted prisoners are under he won’t be able to help anybody not even himself.

That is wild to me. This man came into the interrogation room and admitted on tape that he is a bitch, and he would not live through what the Guilty voted prisoners had to. The only thing stopping him from getting the death he wants being other people don’t want to die. Then folks really came out like what if he hurts Kotoko she’s in so much danger if he’s innocent. Kotoko might jump his ass even if he is innocent let’s be real this is not about her and it never should be. Like wild…

Especially when like the literal second step to taking care of wounds caused by animals is removing any hair or teeth from the impacted area. You don’t dress the cut while the knife is still in you don’t put gauze over someone’s scrapped up hands with the thorns still in it. So, this line is far less threatening when you know that.

Just like Mahiru’s behavior in her first interrogation begins to make a lot more sense the more about attachment you know.

So, first… Let’s talk about secure and unhealthy attachment. Now I expect everyone in the Milgram fanbase to know a little about attachment theory. Predominantly about anxious attachment given how popular it has become to discuss that form of attachment in recent years and with how anxiety has been more widely accepted as an issue many people face. So, nervous habits like Haruka’s are easier for individuals to sympathize with while on the other hand the unhealthy form of attachment Mahiru displays can go easily overlooked or not be viewed as an attachment issue at all.

Even if she recognizes it is and warns people about it accordingly. “I’m going to start relying on you if you’re kind to me, so please forgive me, thanks!”

Attachment styles are usually looked at through a lens of consideration for children.

However, it’s been extended to adults as well and there are four attachment styles that adults can exhibit. Those being Secure, Avoidant, Anxious, and Disorganized.

“Individuals with anxious attachments are easily triggered and struggle to cope with their triggers (Johnson & Whiffen, 1999). Anxious attachment increases an individual’s need for closeness and also increases fears about the relationship and being rejected. Those who are more anxiously attached are more aware of their emotions but difficulties identifying and managing their emotions (Stevens, 2014). Avoidant attachment typically is associated with an avoidance of interpersonal closeness, a discomfort with emotional disclosure, and a desire for relational independence (Bartholomew, 1990; Mikulincer, Shaver & Pereg, 2003). Individuals with avoidant attachment typically mask their emotions and are less aware of their emotional state and are less reactive to their emotions, both positive and negative (johnson & Whiffen, 1999; Stevens, 2014).

Disorganized attachment is characterized by experiences of intense emotions and difficulty tracking one’s self and others (Beeney et al., 2017). Individuals with disorganized attachment struggle to engage in a predictable way because internal conflict experienced because of simultaneous fear of attachment figures and need for attachment figures (Rholes, Paetzolf, & Kohn, 2016).”

Mahiru’s attachment style and to an extent Mikoto’s mirror that of disorganized attachment. Where an individual is simultaneously afraid of having close relationships and stressed about not having any relationships. To really boil the problem down. It’s that feeling of don’t help me out because then I’ll believe you’ll be there for me but eventually you won’t be either because I’m too much or you’re too little but it’d be good to have someone to rely on to so…I hope you’re nice to me just a little bit. That stress of actually yes but no but maybe but no.

Unlike the signs of anxious attachment Haruka shows which is pretty much the opposite as he goes,

“I shouldn’t get too involved with people in the first place. Even with all the prisoners they may misunderstand. It’s no good.”,

“You shouldn’t be too close to me bringing misfortune to people is the only thing I’m naturally good at. The more you know about me, I’m sure I’ll bring misfortune onto you as well prison guard.”/ “You, everyone, if you all knew me… If you knew everything I did…I’m gonna be abandoned, that’s bound to happen.”

There’s a stark difference between I’m warning you not to get close because I’m afraid of being abandoned and that encompassing fear of I’m afraid of both the positive and negative aspects that come along with being close to anyone. Because if you’re afraid of both and it’s impossible to avoid having either at that point you’ll just do whatever and hope things don’t get serious. This sort of person can’t push people away to avoid being abandoned because then they’ll feel isolated and seeking to stop that isolation may led to them being to close to someone causing their fear of being abandoned to spike. So, they try to stay in the middle either by building up social barriers between them and others or just flat out warning people like if you’re nice I may rely on you.

It's a form of unhealthy attachment that’s difficult to deal with/recognize because people with this issue don’t inherently seem like they have issues socializing with others when it comes to everyday situations. Most attachment styles form in childhood but people with secure attachment can undergo trauma later in life and develop disorganized or anxious attachment styles. Now Mahiru’s home life seems to have been fine from what we’ve been given so far.

However, her romantic relationship seems to have been problematic for both parties, with the focus on cheating and the implied length of the relationship along with how it ended with Mahiru considering herself a murderer to the point that unlike some who try to deny it or justify their choice she just goes, “Kill someone… I guess I did… I can’t really deny it, can I?”

Yet, the notion that Mahiru was flirting with Es kind of overlooks that as soon as Es gives their name and age Mahiru says,

“Fifteen years old and a prison guard! Really, at that age? Despite being so young, you’re so admirable! If anything’s troubling you can talk it over with big sis, okay?”

Mahiru becomes informed of Es’ age at the start of the interrogation and immediately takes on a big sister role all on her own. Mahriu recognizes Es’ annoyance at her turning the questions on him but keeps asking questions as soon as she thinks of them.

I wouldn’t really call that flirting I’d call it being a talkative airhead if anything. Something Mahiru is shown to be through her interactions in the timeline.

20/05/30

Mahiru: Hey, Kotoko-chan. There’s something that’s really been bugging me, so do you mind if I ask? ……how do you style yourself so well? Have you always dressed like that? Though, it also looks like something you’d wear for training. Do you play sports? Ah, or maybe some kind of martial arts?

Kotoko: ……you really are carefree. Everyone in here is a “murderer” right? Is this really the time to be asking questions like that?

Mahiru: Hmm, I guess so. That’s what they said. But nobody here seems particularly scary or anything, right? If I had to pick someone, then maybe you’re the scariest! Ah, wait, do you like yoga or something?

Kotoko: ……I can’t tell if you’re making fun of me or if you’re just an airhead.

20/06/08

Mahiru: Shidou-san…… you’re really good-looking. Personally, I think you’d be better if you ate a bit more, but you’re slim and tall, and well put together to boot…… You must’ve been super popular up until now, right?

Shidou: ……yeah, that’s true…… I did my share of fooling around in the past.

Mahiru: Oh~? That’s not the sort of answer I’d expect from you. I’ve got it! Somebody told you that if you replied like that people wouldn’t resent you so much, right?

Shidou: Haha, I’m surprised you guessed. ……it seems that no matter what guise I put on, it’s meaningless against a woman’s insight.

20/06/10

Futa: Hey, why are you acting so carefree all the time? You’re the oldest of the girls here, you should act it and deal with the others properly.

Mahiru: Eh~? I’m acting carefree~? But maybe you’re right. I mean, I…… ah, let’s make this a quiz. Hey, Futa-kun. What do you think I like doing? Tick, tick, tick, tick……

Futa: Ahh, what even is this mood you’ve started. It’s annoying. Just tell me the answer already.

Mahiru: Bzzt! Time’s up! The correct answer is “travelling” and “exciting things”~ You don’t get many chances at a lifestyle as exciting as this, right? So, of course I’m going to be a bit carefree, ufufu~

20/06/19

Kazui: By the way…… thanks, Shina-chan. You keep going around and talking to people to make sure the mood never gets too sour, right? It’s a big help. We’re all in here together, after all. If a fight broke out the whole group could fall apart.

Mahiru: ……eh? Huh~? Ah, no, I’m just talking to people because I personally want to talk. All the kids are so cute, so I can’t help but want to fuss over them! A fight, huh… But if that ever happened, then you’ll definitely be a big help, right~? Since you’re so big! And buff!

Kazui: Ahh, no. I mean, I’ll do what I can. Based on appearance, as long as nobody has a weapon, I think I can probably get everyone under control…… No, we should just hope that nothing like that ever happens.

Mahiru: You know, I quite like watching martial arts, actually. I don’t really get it, but it looks super cool. Hi-yah! Hi-yah!

The timeline is full of examples of Mahiru just being like this. Even if she tells Kazui she’s just going around and talking to the people she wants to. It can’t be overlooked that these small interactions heavily contributed to the light and comfortable atmosphere many appreciated during the first trial. She’s also shown to continually fawn over and spend time with the younger people in Milgram. Even though Futa says she should be taking things more seriously given she’s the oldest woman here by behaving this way that’s exactly what Mahiru is doing.

She's recognizing the situation is weird and trying to put a positive spin on it, so the others don’t get more stressed out. Like it��s a once in a lifetime adventure nothing to be scared over, it’s all good think of it this way if we weren’t here now we wouldn’t even have met and I’m happy I met you aren’t you happy you met me, let’s try to make the best of it. A scary thing is sometimes just something fun upside down. In fact, it’s something adults commonly do with people younger than them during stressful situations. It’s this thing called lying to them because the truth is fundamentally worse.

In this case the truth would be no one regardless of age has any idea about what’s going on here, where they are, and what the people in this facility may do to them.

This is hardly even conjecture on my part since we see Mahiru handle Mu in the way one would a child.

20/07/13

Mahiru: Right…… so you too, Mu-chan…… ……hmm, I guess it’s because of the environment here. Sometimes your mental state has an impact.

Mu: ……you’re the same, then? ……that it’s gone……

Mahiru: ……it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine. This sort of thing happens all the time~ Right, Mu-chan, do you want to eat something sweet? Jackalope-chan left a bunch of stuff out for us.

Mu: Yeah, I’ll eat them…… But…… I’d rather have mille crepe……

She sees Mu is upset, shows she understands why she is upset, and immediately diverts Mu’s attention to something else. It's literally how people are taught to handle upset children. If you can't give them the thing they want either because it's out or doesn't work for some reason divert their attention to something else. Like well that’s gone, everything's fine, things run out sometimes, but you can have this thing instead.

That's literally just being capable of dealing with children at that point. Which isn’t surprising for Mahiru given what we know about her hobbies and interests. That and the fact that it’s been heavily alluded to that she wanted a family and kids. Not only that but she feels like she’s behind when it comes to accomplishing that despite being 22 when she was incarcerated.

20/07/06

Amane: You want to know about my family……? My father is a truly wonderful person. He’s honest, values fairness and justice above all else, and will work himself to the bone for other people’s sake……. Why do you want to know?

Mahiru: Oh, I was just wondering what sort of parents you must have for them to have raised such a good child like you. Fufu, I’ll keep it in mind for the future when I raise my own family.

Amane: I see. If it will be of use to you, I’ll tell you more. It’s still a long way off for me, but for someone your age the prospect of finding a partner and having a family must feel a lot more real. Now that I think about it, I recall my mother was around your age when she gave birth to me……

Mahiru: Oof…! Even though you meant no ill with that statement, Mahiru onee-chan is suddenly really feeling the pressure~~!

The way she refers to herself even changes depending on the age of the person she’s talking to. Referring to herself as big sister with Es and Amane then with Mu and Haruka referring to them both as chan.

20/06/22  (Haruka’s Birthday)

Haruka: ……*sigh*……

Mahiru: Haruka-chaaan, come over here a bit! I’m looking up everyone’s horoscopes right now to check our compatibility~ What’s your star sign~?

Haruka: Ah, erm…… s-star sign……? I-I don’t know. Can’t remember…… B-but, my birthday’s June…… 22nd…… I think, that was it……

Mahiru: Ok then. June 22nd is Cancer, so…… A kind person who prioritizes their feelings, and…… hm? That’s today!? June 22nd! You should have told us~ Happy birthday~!

Haruka: Huh? Ah, yeah…… Th-thank you…… very…… much…… hehe……

Mahiru just has a genuine interest in getting to know people. The most important thing to her is mutual understanding. Something she highlights in her voice drama,

“B-but you know prison guard… I think having a mutual understanding of each other is pretty important.”

She doesn’t start asking Es questions until after she's given them information on herself. Even if she jumps the gun on introducing herself, she’s just expecting back what she gave. Like I introduced myself now you okay. This is a pretty common thing people do when they work with children. For example, my god daughter is in elementary school when she goes to school the teacher greets her and doesn't let her in until she greets them back. They do this in order to practice reciprocity when it comes to conversing with others.

I wouldn't consider teachers doing that flirting even if it went past good morning into an actual conversation. Such as the teacher asking a student if they had a nice weekend or about their spring break. Even outside of that framing, like it or not, Milgram is a place where the prisoners and the guard are all forced to interact with each other because they're basically living together.

So, of course they'll have to talk to each other especially during the interrogations. There are benefits in understanding how to have a conversation especially if we're looking to figure out what they did. Being closed off like Yuno or Kazui tends to mean we find out less about what they did. Now, to be frank there are some characters I don't give a damn about knowing better so folks can make up whatever they want but it's incredibly frustrating to have characters I would like to get to know better reduced to just one thing and then shelfed like Yuno.

I just don't believe Mahiru wishing to have a reciprocal conversation is grounds to say she's flirting with anyone. Because honestly if someone were to ask me a bunch of questions about myself then when I’m like okay so what about you suddenly they clam up I’d feel a way about that. Considering that I’d just given them knowledge about me but as soon as I make it about them, they’re walking away… I’d feel a bit used. Because they understand me better, but I know nothing more about them, I haven't gained anything from this interaction.

How is that fair especially if I go through the trouble of answering That’s not how this works, I gave them personal information now they should reciprocate that’s a social transaction, “I don’t just want to give. Both giving and receiving are good things.”

Now it can be interrogated if this was the proper place for Mahiru to apply that sort of understanding. However, she’s only treating Es the same way Kazui, Shidou, and Mikoto did as a child. Because Es is a child. I think the reason people are more suspicious of her than others is because she comes off as more sincere or genuine along with her fixation on discussing romance. Something Mahiru has repeatedly used as a conversational crutch to get comfortable communicating with others. It's not as though this is a subject she only brings up with Es.

So, to me it seems like she’s really been shot in the foot by how sincerely interested she seems to be. The fact that people can’t really tell if she’s serious or not led to her being misinterpreted greatly by fans and within the series itself. Something that’s not surprising given it’s much easier for women to pretend to be engaged in conversation with children than men because well “Oh, wow what’s a nice drawing you have there. Oh, my that’s so interesting I would have never guessed. Oh, whoa amazing- A prison guard at this age how admirable.”

Women are taught how to fake interest earlier than man are most of the time and usually with childrearing in mind. Mahiru is so good at seeming genuine that even Kotoko has to question if she’s taking a dig at her or if she’s just that stupid. Yuno even admits she’s finally figured out that Mahiru is just a natural airhead and not condescending in her first written interrogation.

Q.26 Has anything interesting happened in MILGRAM lately?

Haruka: Recently Mu-san has started talking to me more often.

Yuno: – Confirmed that Mahiru-san really is a natural airhead – Futa getting looked down on by Amane.

The reason that it’s been so difficult for people within Milgram to confirm this about Mahiru is because it’s incredibly difficult to tell if someone is lying when they’re sort of telling the truth. It comes off as genuine because she is impressed by the individual and excited to learn more about them but objectively it’s probably not the most impressive thing she’s ever seen. To be completely honest it is possible she may not even care about what the other person is saying at all or just responding reflexively.

At the end of the day Mahiru has lived twenty-two years whatever anyone beneath her age does in Milgram won’t be a surprise to her. She doesn’t even question why Amane a rather young child is in here for murder while fully understanding something she did resulted in someone else’s death.

“Do you fully understand the situation you’re in, Mahiru? You’re a prisoner who’s killed someone. You weren’t brought here to have fun.”

“Killed someone… I guess I did. I can’t really deny it, can I?”/ “Sin, my sin…I guess so.”

Unlike Mikoto who when genuinely confronted with the idea that everyone is a murderer is like huh no way. Mahiru knows she killed someone, to the point that she can’t even deny it, or attempt to justify why she did. Instead, as soon as the opportunity presents itself, she immediately diverts the conversation back to the topic she’s comfortable with. Es literally only says,

“Milgram exists to reveal the sins of you prisoners then hand down the appropriate judgement on said sins. So, for that reason, talk to me for a bit.”

Mahiru throws everything else Es has said out the window instead latching onto the word talk completely,

“Talk! Yay, let’s talk! Let’s talk! Prison guard, are you interested in me? That makes me so happy.”

Notice how she got rid of the word sin entirely, making the topic of conversation not her sin/murder like Es expressly brought up but herself.

Even Es catches Mahiru’s attempt to derail the interrogation muttering to themselves about it. Yet unlike Yuno and Mu before her Mahiru is persistent. She doesn’t need to make a deal with Es or the series to conveniently give Es an existential crisis because she just happened to ask the right question even though it tries. Nope she’s just chatty and if you’re chatty enough you can get away with not giving anyone the information they asked for.

She notes Es’ muttering stating, “What are you muttering to yourself about?”

Then when Es clears his throat and begins to attempt to take charge of the situation again before they can bring up the topic of sins once more or even ask Mahiru to introduce herself she chimes in with-

“I’ll start! I’m Mahiru Shina, twenty-two years old. I might not be much good at anything, but please be kind to me.”

Then turns the introduction directly back on Es as we’ve discussed before. Reciprocity is a great way to make people feel like they’ve gained something in a conversation even if they haven’t gained the thing they wanted. Because chances are if someone asks you a question and you start a different conversation, they’ll just forget about that question which Es did for a good while.

During the rest of Mahiru’s interrogation. Mahiru continues to lead the conversation regardless of how many times Es tries to put it back on track. Mahiru even throws in trivial information about herself to keep the conversation going in the direction she likes or just keep it flowing. Mentioning the magazines she read, offering herbal solutions to Es’ memory problems. Until she slips up but ultimately goes back into the topic, she’s comfortable discussing love.

When the mention of her crime does come up again, she clams up only responding with,

“I guess it did… I think it was love.”/ “I suppose…you’re right.”

Giving very short answers up until the point Es assumed she killed out of jealousy or due to a grudge. After that she’s suddenly very willing to elaborate on the situation,

“You’re wrong. It wasn’t that. I…never wanted to kill anyone in the first place! I just… I was… just being myself."

“What do you mean by that?”

“Not telling. After all I still don’t know you that well, prison guard.”

Mahiru is very aware of what she wishes to disclose and what she doesn't wish to. Instead of lying to Es which was something she could have done she bluntly goes I'm not telling you that covering it up with the fact she doesn't know the guard well enough. Just to give Es the impression that with enough time they'll get to know each other enough then she'll feel comfortable telling him that. It's the social equivalent of I'll tell you when you're older which is basically maybe this will come up again but it more than likely won't.

Now, if you’re discussing the ending of the interrogation specifically,

“Hey, prison guard, please tell me. If I love someone is that something unforgiveable?”

“I don’t know from the beginning, I never really understood what you were saying.”

“Oh, I see… I guess so. There’s something wrong with me, right?  You can’t understand me, right?”

“Yeah, as of now.”

“Huh?”

“As of now I don’t understand you. That’s what I’m saying. But I will soon. Just wait and see. To be honest, the topics brought up in this interrogation were entirely outside of my area of expertise. Because of that I may have to deepen my understanding just as you said.”

“Prison guard.”

“I’m your prison guard even if I have an aversion to something or there’s something I can’t understand doesn’t meant I’m just going to give up on you and deem it hopeless. Not until I’ve judged your sins and decided if I forgive them or not.”

“Eh? Does that mean you’ll always keep an eye on me?”

“What? Well, it’s my duty after all.”

At this point Mahiru has difficulty containing her excitement and vocalizes it for the second time. Unlike Haruka who attempts to contain his excitement within his first voice trial but cracks a grin at being being slapped.

“What is it?!”

“My heart skipped a beat.”

“Just what on earth are you saying?”

“I… guess I love people who are enthusiastic about their work.”

“You- you’re messing with me, aren’t you?”

“Ah, this isn’t good! Be careful, okay. Um…um... If you’re that kind to me, you could die as well. Just- kidding..?”

“I wasn’t trying to be kind to you or anything like that. From the start I’ve just downright haven’t understood a thing you’ve said. However, rest assured, I promise no matter what you do, what you think, I won’t die.”

This gets another audible display of excitement or joy out of Mahiru.

“Because I’m Milgram’s prison guard-that’s why.”

Mahiru can no longer contain her excitement and gets up from her chair as we can hear her shoes clack against the floor a few steps before the song extraction machine whirs to life it’s bell ringing startling her from her movement and causing her to ask,

“Wha-what is this? Is it because my love exploded?”

“No, it’s the end of the interrogation- Goodness sake… things never go as planned, do they? With you prisoners I mean.”

Then Es explains, “The personal experiences I see how true to life the videos are, and the degree of abstraction that all depends on the person. It may even depend on how each of you perceives your own sin.”

This has nothing to do with Mahiru just wanted to point it out again given the new trials and me seeing some statements about how prisoners can’t lie in their videos because this expressly told us that they can it just depends on the person. They can lie in their videos if they want to. It’s their fucking minds making them. It makes sense that the videos would be impacted by their beliefs, interests, or how they view their actions.

It all comes down to how they personally view it and what they think is important at that moment. This is why Mikoto’s was so jarring from the start because unlike the other prisoners who know exactly why they’re here he’s not conscious of what he did wrong. So, he can’t dress it up well because he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be dressing up. We see everyone else do this to an extent throughout trial one.

Like it’s so fucked up that anyone is even going the prisoners can’t lie in their songs or dress thing up at all. Like yeah Shidou’s victim was the flower person, Kazui didn’t destroy a relationship he really only broke a vase, Yuno didn’t get an abortion she popped a balloon, Mu was really trapped in that hourglass, and Futa wasn’t on twitter he was actually the protagonist of an isekai stuck in a video game world where he was really fighting level bosses, and Haruka is from the crayon version of chalkzone.

Then like one of my friends keeps saying Mikoto didn’t kill more than one person he just teleported behind the guy at the beginning of MeMe who ran under the underpass got hit with a bat from behind then is somehow still the victim we see crawling on the ground because the video can’t lie so Mikoto must just have VIP access to the fucking backrooms. Fuck it Kotoko didn’t jump two different people she kicked that guy in the alley in the face so hard he had to get reconstructive facial surgery then he became a child abductor then she had to hunt him down again and put a stop to him for good. Amane wasn’t in a cult unless you consider the cult of popularity one she was actually a child actress on a well know public access show in Japan who was complicit with the death of one of her fellow child actors who got an onset injury as a result of her parents religious belief not to give people medical help and the punishment she received after the first time she did it. The next person that got hurt she just watched them die and that’s why she’s here.

Nobody did anything wrong there’s no victims here except victims of circumstance as far as the eye can see. Except for Mikoto who under this idea is just a god who can bend reality and not only didn’t need to work at that job but just really didn’t need to resort to murder at any point either. If this were the case at that point he could’ve robbed a bank. So, I guess he’s guilty everybody else though can go home.

The extent people will go just to try to prove one thing even when it’s notably false and has been stated to be so from the beginning is wild. Like no they can also lie in the videos no one ever said they couldn’t in fact the exact opposite was said. This can also lead to them making themselves look worse like in the case of Mikoto, Haruka, and Mu’s. Usually as a reaction to if they feel their interrogation went poorly. Because they go directly into the machine after the interrogation and that will be the freshest experience on their mind which will of course impact the video extracted.

Back to Mahiru. Yeah, I gotta admit that is weird but she’s not the first prisoner to behave in this matter when it comes to enjoying being watched or controlled. That would be Haruka yet I don’t see people saying he was flirting with Es when that happened. In fact another character even calls Haruka’s response to being slapped kinky but most overlook that. Even though at this point that’s clearly what it is since he is deriving pleasure from pain and being controlled.

So, if we want to put some sexual or flirtatious spin on Mahiru’s behavior that rightfully stands for Haruka as well. Just because she’s older than him doesn’t mean all of her actions are subject to sexual scrutiny but his aren’t. He’s seventeen according to him when he was brought to Milgram and as of 2023 with the continued celebrating of birthdays implying aging is still very much a thing within Milgram he’d be twenty going on twenty-one in June because he had a birthday after being brought to Milgram.  

Like this may be an assumption on my part but I thought since we were celebrating birthdays they were aging. I did assume they weren’t celebrating birthdays for nothing.  Like I don’t think they’re in stasis because Shidou and Mikoto are notably still aging both of their hair has grown out and everything. It even appears as though Amane has gotten taller because even slouched down, knees bent in her season two art she seems to be above the height she was at incarceration.

Something that subtly calls attention to this idea is the interaction Haruka has on Mikoto's birthday last year.

22/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Haruka: Mikoto-san. Um, are you ok……?

Mikoto: Ah, Haru-kun. It’s been a while since we last talked, huh. Yeah, I’m fine. Are you doing ok……?

Haruka: Ah, I’m fine. I’ve been enjoying myself, a lot. Um, I’m sorry, for avoiding you. I was a bit scared. Of you, honestly……

Mikoto: Ahhh, yeah. I’ve been lashing out whenever I go to sleep, right? ……it’s fine. Even I think you’re right to be scared. You know, I kinda just hate that I don’t even know what’s going on myself…… haha. Ah, but despite all that you still came and talked to me because it’s my birthday, right? Thank you, you’ve grown into a good man.

Outside of taking into consideration they are aging while in Milgram. A lot of people who are seventeen do have sexual relationships, some even have them younger than that. Most of the male friends I've had have told me they’re first sexual relationship/experience was before the end of middle school. So, in fairness if this is going to be something interrogated for Mahiru it’s only right that Haruka’s behavior is interrogated as well.

Like, I’m not saying this is a bad point to consider. I am however saying consider it for each prisoner who was acting in this way instead of just dogpiling on one because Haruka’s behavior was also suspicious and continues to be so. Yet, I understand how pointing out Haruka’s flaws when it comes to this can seem like shifting the topic and like whataboutism.

So, when it comes to Mahiru behaving in this way at the end of her interrogation I think it’s weird but not out of character for her. Mahiru never tells Es that what she values the most is love. Because it’s not what she values the most, at least it’s not what I think she values the most. What she values the most throughout her first trial interrogation isn’t love but being understood and understanding the person she loves.

Not just wanting to put in the effort to understand them but them doing the same when it comes to understanding her.

The thing she’s interested in is having people pay attention to her. Like really pay attention to her and not just go on about themselves. This is why I think she gets overly excited when Es says they aren’t just going to stop trying to get to know her just because they can’t understand her immediately. That’s why she immediately goes something’s wrong with me right you can’t understand me right? Just to then go wait don’t say things like that when Es earnestly states I don’t get it right now but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to because it’s his job after all.

Getting to know them, seeing their sins, judging them, that’s what the guard of Milgram is meant to do. It’s the exact opposite of Mikoto who’s like I would hate for someone to be watching me. Milgram is separated on another level outside of maturity. Those who want to be watched, those that don’t, and ones who seem indifferent.

Those who want to be watched: Kazui (Wants to be viewed as guilty), Shidou (Wants to be viewed as guilty), Futa (Wants to be viewed as Innocent), Mu (Wants to be viewed as Innocent), Haruka (Wants to be viewed as Innocent or Guilty or just fawned over by someone???), Mahiru (Wants to be viewed as Innocent to the point she cold opened with if you can’t forgive me I’d rather die.)

Those Who Don’t: Yuno (Has stated she doesn’t want our opinion in three different ways), Amane (Don���t judge me and I won’t judge you but if you do agree we could work together), Kotoko (Would rather be a team because it’s easier if we agree but doesn’t seem against the idea of taking action on her own), Mikoto (Literally hostile/defensive towards being perceived and has been since Milgram started.)

Though this goes back into the discussion on attachment above at this point and how Mahiru wants closeness but is afraid of what will happen if she gets to close.

Mahiru even pulls the same thing we see her do in her first interrogation with Es on Futa. Pulling him into her pace with ease and the only ones to call her out for this and meet her where she’s at is someone she says has cheater energy, Shidou, and Kazui who thanks her for her hard work when it comes to keeping the atmosphere light which she plays off like no, no I do this because I want to.

Which should sound rather familiar.

20/06/29

Yuno: ……mmm, the food here is pretty nice. I wonder if the guard made it…… Oh yeah, Mahiru-san, do you cook?

Mahiru: Hm? I do~ Cooking, washing, cleaning, I love doing all those sorts of things~ Fufufu, I passed all my self-imposed training to become the perfect wife with flying colours!

Yuno: Wow, incredible… I don’t know whether to call that old-fashioned or what. ……isn’t it a pain?

Mahiru: Eh~? I don’t think it’s a pain at all~ It’s fun~

This sort of behavior is something her and Mikoto have in common since they’re rather quick talkers moving from one point to another like that. This may be why she dislikes him a little bit even though she’s accepted the nickname. It can be incredibly difficult for two people with the same communication habits to get along because most of the time one will end up speaking over the other.  Basically Mikoto and Mahiru seem like the type to be a bit more interested in learning about others and move away from discussing themselves. Usually holding themselves back because they believe they’re talking too much or turning the topic to the other person when they don’t want to discuss themselves.

They’ll give a little information about themselves but they both have it in their heads well I’ve told you this now can you answer x for me. It’s a social transaction. Best example of this with Mikoto is his interaction with Shidou.

20/06/20

Mikoto: ……oh, so you are here after all. Shidou-san, are you free? Let’s chat~

Shidou: ! Ah, just give me a moment…… Um…… I don’t mind talking, but you didn’t need to come over while I was smoking. Are you sure it isn’t too smoky for you? You’re not a smoker, right, Kayano-kun?

Mikoto: Ah, you don’t need to put it out! That’d be such a waste! I smoke too occasionally. Though just vape. Like, the smoking room is a really good spot for communication, right? So, I thought now might be a good opportunity to talk with you. Not like I have anything else to do.

By the way, I’ve been wondering for a while, but do you always wear those gloves?

Shidou: I don’t…… How to put it…… I suppose…… since I have my hands covered all the time, then when I take them off, it feels as though the feeling in my fingertips is even greater…… I know it’s probably all in my head…… but that’s how it feels.

It’s not exactly an insidious thing to do and I’d like to say it’s a very common thing amongst people in my age group. Though it’s more honest to say I do it a lot myself. Where you’ll tell someone trivial information that’s common for most folks and then ask something you were interested in knowing about them. Something not as common but specific to who they are. It’s kind of difficult to deal with people who communicate like that or be someone who communicates in that way.

Because eventually people they talk to will come up and go hm I don’t really know much about you what do you like exactly without realizing maybe that was intentional. There’s a difference between subjective truths and objective facts is my point here.

Mahiru even attempts to do something similar to what Mikoto did there with Shidou to him. This situation highlights how Mahriu uses the topic of romance as a sort of conversational crutch and how Es isn’t the only person she does so with. After their somewhat rocky introduction, Mahiru goes out of her way to create a sleepover environment, orders specific futons, invites Mikoto and Kazui all just to roll over as they’re meant to be sleeping to Mikoto specifically and say,

“Hey… Did you fall asleep already? Is there a person you like?”

To Mikoto’s visual discomfort as he goes, “No…but… What is going on here?”

Like the entire minigram makes it seem like Mahiru sprung this on Mikoto and Kazui was an accomplice. Mahiru admits to planning it even down to ordering specific futons. Kazui being the third person here, one of the people Mikoto is comfortable with because well he has a nickname, they smoke together with Shidou, and no kids being present. Or even any other girls despite Mahiru claiming this is the perfect environment for girl talk she's the only one there to our knowledge I guess I don't know how Kazui and Mikoto identify I suppose they could be fluid which diversity win??? We're not gonna go into that here. The point is they're male presenting.

Mahiru didn’t invite any female presenting prisoners or the one canonically cis one Mu. I still can't believe I can say that now. Instead she invited Mikoto who probably showed up because well it’s Kazu and Mappi. So, it should be fine then she does this. It's giving the same energy as Mikoto going oh Shidou is smoking good chance to talk to him and break the ice except instead of waiting for the chance Mahiru just creates it.

Something we’re shown she has a habit of doing in This Is How To Be In Love With You,

She has misgivings about Mikoto. Has claimed he has cheater energy but is still trying to break the ice and relate to him by discussing a topic she enjoys romance. This is also one of the rare moments we see Mikoto get annoyed or put off. Responding to Mahiru with,

“So, you made it into that sort of situation? That’s why- you wrote futons on the supply list. I was surprised you were able to change the bedding.”/ “Poor Guard-kun.”

To the point Kazui has to break in and be like,

“Don’t criticize Mahiru too much the place and atmosphere is very important when it comes to discussing certain things. Hmm, not sure if I have any girl talk material. How about a story of a messy love triangle from the place I used to work at?”

Which elicits this response, “You old man…”

Really displaying the closeness and mutual understanding between most of the older inmates. It gives that vibe of the kids are asleep let’s talk shit as Mikoto is there like how did I get dragged into this if I knew it was this sort of thing I would’ve went back to my cell. As if they knew each other outside of Milgram they'd probably all go drinking together.

Mahiru actively invites people she considers her peers maturity wise to this. Yuno isn’t here, Mu isn’t, Kotoko isn’t none of the girls close to her age just Mikoto a guy a year older than her and Kazui the thirty-nine-year-old.  Despite that, I’ve rarely if ever seen anyone say she was flirting with Mikoto here. Because we know she isn’t because she’s complained about him saying he has cheater energy.

I really don't understand how presuming she’s flirting with the fifteen-year-old in her interrogation is somehow easier to conclude but hey we are laying next to each other, about to sleep right besides each other, and I'm asking if you have someone you like this is clearly platonic though. No one said shit about that. Again, I understand how she could come off that way. However, given all the people she’s spoken to about romance in a somewhat flirtatious way to only highlight the interrogation with Es seems like cherry-picking to me.

Milgram does a good job of highlighting the various maturity levels of the characters as they communicate with each other. Showing to me that there’s a high chance the most mature people within the prison would be as follows Kazui, Mahiru, Mikoto, Yuno, then Shidou. Yes, Yuno is before Shidou. Because she’s called Mikoto and Mahiru both out on their people pleasing antics and is the one to step up and focus on the mood when Mahiru and Mikoto were put out of commission by their verdicts even if she says she doesn’t like to be bothered.

Shidou is also just more likely to let kids walk all over him given his experiences and can come off as though he’s talking down to those younger than him instead of with them which is kind of immature in my book. I think one of the points of being a “proper adult” should be being able to talk to people younger or older than oneself like their people not idiots, or someone who are beneath you usually meeting them where they’re at and reading the atmosphere. Everyone on the list I made up there has shown themselves to be good at that to varying degrees.

This is also why Kotoko and Futa aren’t on this list because they can’t do that at all. Sure, they think they’re being mature…. Anyone that’s actually mature or has had to take responsibility for others will get annoyed with their shit and try to sort out their behavior through communicating with them or avoiding them. Like Mikoto on Kotoko’s birthday. He doesn’t just talk to her because he’s nice.

His behavior could also be interpreted as him going this is a problem child, who has lashed out once already but directly confronting the issue like he did with Futa is something he recognizes won’t lead to her reflecting on her behavior- Because Kotoko is under the belief that she’s doing what the guard wants her to. The guard has already voted him guilty and made him into a bad guy in her eyes him stating her behavior is wrong could be taken as validating it’s right because why should she care about what a guilty person says.

That’ll just get her to fight him so he tries the nice way, the prisoners can’t physically fight each other now that the guard is awake so let’s try to call a truce for now and discuss exactly what her issue is during this time. She’s still younger than me so it’s up to me to be the mature and bigger person as an adult. Because twenty would be a child to a twenty-three-year-old with a job just as eighteen or twenty would be a child to a twenty-two-year-old. Hence why Mahiru invites Kazui and Mikoto to this girl talk sleepover but not any of the other girls.

I don’t really think anyone would be surprised by how many people above the age of twenty-one consider twenty and twenty-one too young or still a kid where I live. It’s basically everyone I know. Though most twenty- and twenty-one-year-olds are like I’m just like you I’m in my twenties I’m an adult I can drink and honestly like uh huh yeah they are but for the most part only legally… We’ve seen Milgram mess around with this concept with how Futa reacts to Yuno playing children games her little brother liked.

For a good deal of people, a lot of a person’s early twenties is just pretending to be mature and trying to distance oneself from childish things which can lead to people being more immature and sort of closeminded. Kind of the I could never be wrong age for people who never really went through that much before finishing high school. Admittedly I was more in Yuno or Mikoto’s boat mindset wise before graduating high school. So, I already had a heavy focus on reading the atmosphere due to certain experiences I had up until that point.

Though with characters like Futa and Kotoko they both seem to have not really experienced much of the things they dislike about society. Which makes it easier for people who have experienced stuff like that to hate them because their activism/help comes off as self-indulgent performative nonsense to anyone who’s dealt with societal struggles.

Mikoto and Mahiru usually give objective facts about themselves and tend to keep away from subjective truths unless put under a considerable amount of stress.

22/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Mahiru: My birthday…… the day I was born…… But was there really any reason for me being born? Lately I’ve started to wonder that. Do you ever think about stuff like that, Yuno-chan?

Yuno: Eh? Not really. I mean, Mahiru-san, you’re really the romantic type, right? Not that I have anything against that. But isn’t it a bit much to think that everything in life has a meaning? If it makes you happy to think like that then go ahead, but if it doesn’t, then isn’t that in itself meaningless?

Mahiru: : ……you might be right. I’ve always just lived my life like this, so I don’t really know.

Yuno: We’ve all just gone through a bunch of things in life that happened to lead us here. It’s nothing more than a coincidence. Definitely not fate or anything. Probably. Even if there isn’t a meaning, you can still be happy that it’s your birthday. That sort of thing’s all you need in life really. So happy birthday, Mahiru-san.

21/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Mikoto: ……ah, Futa? What’s up? Did you come to celebrate my birthday?

Futa: Hah!? Like I care about your birthday. ……what’s up with you, though, you’re usually a lot more excited. I thought you were the sort of idiot who’d make a big deal over your birthday.

Mikoto: Yeah, usually that’d be the case. ……I think I must be getting tired. It’s like I’m anxious over something but I can’t really explain what it is…… Like, the feeling that I’ve been totally wrong about something. Haha, but it’s not like talking to you about it is gonna do anything.

Futa: Yeah, yeah, just like you say. Talking to me about it isn’t gonna help. ……but, it’s not like I don’t get what you’re saying. Or rather, I understand exactly what you mean. And if it’s the same thing as I’ve been feeling, then it will just get stronger as time goes on…… probably. But anyway, rather than talking to someone like me you should go and bother the others. Go and get showered with their stupid birthday wishes.

When they do, they’re usually the ones to quickly shut themselves down. Either asking someone else what they think or going well what use is talking about it gonna do. Because they both seem to be people who tend to want to handle their issues themselves or not worry others. Not to call out everyone but that’s a very common thing amongst people in their age range when Milgram started.

Yet, it is kind of adorable how Mahiru attempts to catch Mikoto off guard by discussing romance stuff with him something he may not have much of a grasp of but she could discuss all day when Kazui, Mikoto and her are having that little sleep over. During her first interrogation even when Mahiru brings up Es being in the height of their adolescence or the springtime of youth. That's mostly due to her interest in shoujo manga where the protagonists of that tend to be around Es' age. So, even that's not that weird when considered fully.

What I'm getting at here is there are other explanations for all the characters actions that can put them in a more negative or positive light. However, I feel if one thing is going to be interrogated with one prisoner it's only fair to interrogate the same thing with others. Since a lot of the prisoners have acted in ways that can be perceived as inappropriate towards Es and it's odd to only single out Mahiru in this regard.

[voidingintotheshout]

The view from my window.

If anybody needs to hear it, one of the more powerful things that I’ve allowed myself is “I know it’s a problem, but I’m not dealing with it right now.”

Hassan Minaj has a bit in one of his specials about being approached in the mosque by a white Muslim that, even as a child, he was sure was a federal agent in clumsy disguise. He later confirmed this when the “Brother” was declassified years later. I can tend to be very anxious so I got it into my head that this random dude who occasionally goes to Muslim meet ups might be a fed. The Geopolitical issues around Muslims being both victims and villains has brought out the dark side of my anxiety.

I know that it’s not good for me to try to “solve” these mysteries, and so I’m allowing myself the freedom to just acknowledge that I might have someone in my life that might be manipulating me towards their own ends, and I’m choosing to not care. I can’t prove anything and this is how people go crazy and I don’t want to go crazy. I just need to focus on my faith and I need to stop worrying about trying to “be on the right side of history.” I need to stop worrying about the fact that an Imam I respect might be both homophobic and a closet bisexual.  I need to stop worrying about  whether being a gay Muslim makes me stupid, naïve, or supporting some kind of “evil empire”.

I don’t like to mask off on here because it’s very depressing when I expose myself completely vulnerably and all of my deepest, darkest fears, and it gets like three notes. I’m not doing it for attention. It’s just annoying when I don’t get any at all if that makes any sense.

My point is that one of the more powerful things that I can do with mental health issues is what I called Blindspot Technique. It’s basically that you give yourself a percentage of objectivity that you have in a situation and your blind spot is the percentage that you need to adjust to compensate for what issue or trauma you have, and its power to distort your objectivity. Like if you’re very very sensitive to anyone saying anything negative about your body/weight, maybe you need to adjust down how sure you are that something was intended as insulting/offensive by maybe 30% or 40%. Maybe you’re having dinner with a friend who has never been a jerk to you in the past and you were at their place and they ask if you want some vegetables for dinner. If when you are in the heat of your issue, you are 60 to 70% sure that was a passive aggressive comment but you adjust it down by 30% and now you’re less than 50% sure. Probably best to let it go. Maybe in hindsight you put together the pieces that they just came back from a farmer’s market and so vegetables were on their mind and it was nothing about you. That’s the Blindspot Technique.

Anyway, related to my issue is that I need to accept that my blind spot in terms of objectivity on this is so high I can’t reasonably be able to tell what is my issue taking control and what is the objective truth. Like, a few days ago the synagogue near my house had a gay pride celebration get together. This happened a few days after my Imam told me that identifying as gay is “cursed” and tried to talk me out of identifying as gay at all because I’m asexual. I then saw that gay pride mixer at a synagogue, and I just felt this overwhelming ache. That I wish I believed in Judaism, so that I could be part of a religion that may be more persecuted, but at least is supportive of LGBT people. It just made me so frustrated and tired. 

Mostly, it made me frustrated and tired because the honest truth is that I believe in Islam with all of my heart and soul. And I have a personal relationship with Allah that means so much to me and my religious practices makes me happier and healthier and more confident to do so many things that I would’ve never been able to do and it’s frustrating that the people at the mosque will never truly know who I am. And also that many of my non-religious gay friends will never truly understand the Muslim side of me. I might never find a lot of my people and that sucks. I may be drawn towards institutions that make it impossible for me to be fully out because I have internalized homophobia. I don’t know. I just know that I don’t have the clarity to figure that out so I am going to take my Imam’s advice and not worry about it because in his words: I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure out something that I can’t figure out. I need to just put my head down and focus on the five pillars and not really worry about the rest of it. 

Thanks for reading.

Oh, and as for the brother, who might be a fed, I’m not concerned because he’s probably just a kindly pharmacist, who happens to be impossibly good-looking, blonde haired and blue-eyed, and dressed like he just came off the runway of the fashion show. He’s also incredibly successful and charming, and seems to be the exact type of person that would appeal to Muslims. I may have gender dysphoria and daddy issues but I’m not gonna let anyone make me say things that I don’t believe. If he actually started a conversation about any of that jihadist bullshit, I would tell him to go fuck himself. Hurting innocent people for your beliefs is for brutal monsters who have lost their humanity. 

[scotianostra]

Happy 97th Birthday a true comedy great Stanley Baxter.

Born in Frergus Drive in Glasgow in 1926, Stanley began his long career on BBC Scotland's edition of the Children's Hour. He developed his performing skills further during his national service with the Army's Combined Services Entertainment unit, working alongside comedy actor Kenneth Williams, actor Peter Vaughan, film director John Schlesinger and dramatist Peter Nichols, who used the experience as the basis for his play Privates on Parade.

After a return to Glasgow and civvy street he spent three years at The Citizens Theatre before seeking more work and wider fame by moving to London in 1959, it was a move that paid off straight away, that same year he won a Bafta for co-hosting the satirical sketch show On the Bright Side. He also won two years running, in 1973 and 1974, for The Stanley Baxter Picture Show, and again in 1981 for The Stanley Baxter Series.

Some of his best-loved comedy sketches include Parliamo Glasgow, in which the Glaswegian dialect was presented as a foreign language. It included phrases such as “Izat a marra on yer barra, Clara?” "Zarraburdorahairywullie" and the uniquely Glaswegian word “Sanoffy”, as in “Sanoffy cold day”

Stanley didn't abandon Scotland though, throughout his career he remained a favourite of the Scottish panto circuit, often playing the gloriously costumed dame alongside Angus Lennie, Jimmy Logan or Ronnie Corbett, until he retired in 1992.

In 1994 he returned to radio, appearing in plays and sitcoms. In 1997, he was honoured with a lifetime achievement award at the British Comedy Awards. The Stanley Baxter Playhouse ran on Radio 4 from 2006 until 2014.

Even though he retired from TV comedy some 30 years ago, Stanley Baxter continues to hold a special place in the viewing nation’s heart.

He eats well, likes a glass of wine and enjoys a quiet domesticated life. Well into his 80s he was still cycling and swimming. Even when he was in the public eye, he shunned personal publicity, rarely doing interviews or appearing on chat shows.

In his retirement he has written an autobiography but refuses to allow it to be published until after his death, not apparently because it contains any hugely scandalous stories of his celebrity friends, but because he didn’t fancy "schlepping "round the country doing promotional appearances, press interviews and book signings, let’s hope it is a good few years before it is released then!

A widower since 1997, he says he doesn’t find it difficult to fill his days. “You wonder how you ever had time to work,” he says. “I miss talking to actors. I can relate to actors better than real people. I have so few friends left. “I suppose I’m a bit of a loner. I’m not the kind of person to drop in on the neighbours.”

In 2020 Stanley in an authorised biography, The Real Stanley Baxter told for the first time of his struggles to come to terms with his sexuality, his efforts to keep the fact that he is gay secret and the effect his troubled marriage had on his life.

The book charts the career of Baxter, from his early days to the complex relationship with his wife Moira, his early sexual encounters as a teenager, and the strenuous efforts he made to maintain his privacy in later life, including taking legal action over the publication of the diaries of actor Kenneth Williams, a long-time friend, after he had passed away.

Baxter described his discomfort with his homosexuality in the book, writing: "Anybody would be insane to choose to live such a very difficult life. There are many gay people these days who are fairly comfortable with their sexuality, fairly happy with who they are. I’m not. I never wanted to be gay. I still don’t.”

If you want to know more about Stanley I recommend watching the feature length documentary, Stanley Baxter’s Best Bits - and More, it’s on 5 and you don’t have to sign in to watch the show, it’s just over an hour long so settle down with a cuppa before viewing.

https://www.channel5.com/show/stanley-baxter-s-best-bits-and-more

[cainightfics]

just wanted to say i really appreciate the way you portray tyrell in particular, it feels so close to canon. hes a very special character in that its clear hes not right in the head, and hes super destructive and pretty much brings on his own downfall, but theres something still relatable and sympathetic about him?? he always struck me as someone with a personality disorder tbh (i headcanon him as BPD). how do you approach his headspace? you seem to really get him

thank you! i rly appreciate hearing this. its funny because i actually do not relate to tyrell at all, id say we're complete opposites personality wise lol, yet somehow hes really endearing to me. ive always had kind of a soft spot for horrible yet pathetic people lol.

i definitely agree with you about him having bpd, or some other personality disorder. i’ve talked about it on here before, but i was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder last year. i’m honestly kind of anti psychiatry so i don’t really care for diagnoses and i don’t identify with the label at all, but i’ll admit, all of the symptoms and internal contradictions do fit me. i see szpd often described as the “opposite” of bpd: aloof, non-expressive, solitary, doesn’t care for external validation, very strong sense of self and extremely rich inner world coupled with complete disdain for reality, etc... whereas people with bpd compulsively seek out praise and a feeling of belonging, schizoids seek out isolation. schizoids are also often very paranoid and view relationships as a trap— even if they’re lonely and desire romantic love, they don’t want to be responsible for another persons happiness, and they don’t want to feel burdened by another persons emotional needs. while a borderlines response to stress is to split, a schizoids is to just withdraw completely. personally, i like interacting with people online because its easier for me to "escape" if need be. i find it really hard to connect with people offline. its kind of funny, because when it comes to shipping and fiction, im obsessed with love, but i feel almost incapable of romantic emotion in real life.

all of that being said, just because i have nothing in common with tyrell doesnt mean i find it hard to understand him! i basically see tyrell as a big five year old lol. intellectually, hes very clever, but emotionally, he tends to view things in black and white. he's very desperate for love and attention but cant find anybody who will give it to him. he wants to feel special and be surrounded by special people, but to do so, he has to change who he is. i think tyrell really idolizes elliot—he sees him as somebody unaffected by the more embarrassing emotions tyrell himself feels, like desperation, loneliness, low self esteem, etc. of course we know elliot feels these things too, he can just hide it better.

i think tyrell is the kind of person who will put up with basically anything so long as he thinks it will get him love and attention. it explains his relationship with joanna, his relationship with price, and his relationship with elliot/mr robot. hes very willing to be used and abused as long as it means somebody cares about him. thats why he asks elliot "did you ever care about me?" in s4e4. if elliot loves him, then everything hes done is okay—losing his son, losing joanna, blowing up the 71 buildings, ruining his own life, etc. i think tyrell doesnt really have a concept of personhood outside of how other people see him. he finds himself a role to fill and changes everything about himself to fit it. hes obsessed with what other people think of him because hes deeply insecure. i really wouldn't be surprised if he was emotionally abused/neglected as a child. i actually have a long one-shot im working on that will explore this possibility further.

anyway, to answer your question, i dont relate to tyrell, but i do find him somewhat easy to write, because his goal is always so non-complex: to be loved and feel special. couple that with the fact he has low empathy for 99% of humanity, and you have a disaster on your hands lol.