#and anxiety about moms health with us leaving in a week and a half and her being really anemic rn

[goldenlikedayl1ght]

we're in love - m. murdock

a/n: hi guys not dead just played a LOT of baldurs gate over break and now im back ay college with matt murdock brainrot this ones been floating around the old noggin a while. sorry. likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated! <3 warnings: DEAD DOVE with a happy ending, hard of hearing reader, cannon typical marvel violence, probably badly written violence, matt being upset, once again im tired and sleepy and bad at doing warnings, reader gets kidnapped TWICE, reader has superpowers, reader is TECHNICALLY a hybrid but literally just in the way that she has small antlers and deer like abilities (strength, jump height), fucked up experiments, ANGST ANGST ANGST, memory loss trope but like... the one from the hunger games. matt is hopelessly in love with reader, reader wants to kill matt, kissing, implied sexual ideas, cursing. SHAMELESS USE OF REAL OR NOT REAL FROM THG, reader having anxiety, and allusions of sex. word count: 7.1k summary: when your past finally catches up to you, matt truly learns what 'in sickness and in health' means. pairing: matt murdock x hoh!wife!reader now playing: we're in love - boygenius "will you still love me if it turns out I'm insane?/i know what you'll say/but it helps to hear you say it anyway."

Falling in love with Matt Murdock was the easy part.

Falling back in love with him was the tough bit.

You had spent the years leading up to meeting him as a boxer turned vigilante— Your dad had taught you how to fight young, which led to a lot of trouble at school until he eventually started helping you enter teenage fights against your mom’s wishes.

It’s how you paid for college.

And then, after your college experience, you lose control. It was never supposed to happen the way it did. You had lost a fight and stole the guy’s motorcycle in defiance. But the roads were wet from an early snow and people of New York never knew how to drive.

Just like that, the nerves in your hands were shot. The accident got your hearing too since you got sick from the cold after your accident. The infection got so bad that it took the hearing from your left ear—And half from your right.

For months, you thought you’d never gain control of your hands again, snapping from a promising young fighter to a deaf and shaky temp. You were miserable. Fighting was your everything for so long.

And then The Doctor found you.

No, not the alien from the British television show, but a man who promised you your old life back. He found you while you were at your lowest and realized that you would do anything for your old life back.

He said in exchange for your old life, all you would have to do would be a test subject for a harmless new drug he was testing out.

You were so enamored by the idea of your old life that you had decided to take him up on his offer, so you were whisked away upstate with a group of other people desperate enough to try this experiment out.

Every morning you were given a shot of blue liquid into your arm, and then, you were to preform a series of tasks to record your progress. After three weeks you grew frustrated that you had seen no progress. You spent most of your time asking people to talk into your right ear and becoming mad at The Doctor.

About a month in, you started growing antlers.

At first, you freaked out. Like, truly, screamed and yelled, wanting an explanation. The Doctor celebrated, telling you this was great news—And to prove it, he had you pick up a pen and write a sentence out. Your hands didn’t shake and did everything you told them to do.

On top of the antlers and the newfound control of your nerves, you were strong—Fast, too. You could jump twelve-foot walls. The Doctor was obsessed with you. While other patients died off from whatever drugs you were being given, you were thriving.

At the end of your three-month stay, you were excited to leave and head back to your life. You’d just have to wear beanies everywhere to hide your antlers, you told yourself. A small price to pay.

But The Doctor wouldn’t let you leave.

How could he, he asked you, when you were his best test subject?

Being a prisoner was a lot worse than you thought it would be. Day in and day out, you were trained to be a soldier, you think. Fighting various guards, doing different athletic tests. The serum hadn’t fixed your hearing, but it had given you all of these gifts.

Until The Doctor became cruel.

He gave the guards these batons that had shock currents at the end of them, instructing them to use it whenever you talked back or underperformed. For months you struggled through days of electric shocks and experiments.

One night, a guard slipped into your cell, expecting you to be an easy target. You quickly showed him differently, knocking him out and stealing his weapons. And then, you ran. You ran until your feet bled—No shoes.

An old woman who had retired upstate welcomed you into her small cabin and fed you, never asking about the small antlers growing out of your head. She simply gave you a warm knit cap and a pair of boots for the cold.

You remember eating chili with her as she told you about her deceased husband. You changed your last name to theirs, knowing The Doctor would find you if you kept going by your name. You stayed with her for a weekend, coming back from gathering firewood to The Doctor’s men there, having killed the kind old woman and on the hunt for you. You stole her car and never looked back.

The next few weeks after that had been full of killing various soldiers and armies that The Doctor had sent after you, until you eventually pushed The Doctor off a building, believing to have killed him for good.

And that was that.

You went on with your life as usual, finding a permanent job as a secretary. In a law office.

Which, of course, is where you met Matt.

With Matt, you never felt the need to hide who you were. Of course, it was a lot easier to tell him that some mad scientist had infected you with a drug that turned you into a deer hybrid when he told you that he was Daredevil.

And with time, some of the effects of the serum began to fizzle out. Strength, Agility, Antlers—Those stayed. The control over your hands didn’t. But you made peace with that. Physical Therapy twice a week and hearing aids helped.

Especially because early Sunday mornings were filled with Matt running his fingers through your hair, running his pointer finger along the curves of your antlers. He takes your hands and kisses your fingertips as they shake, hushing you softly when you start crying as he does.

He spars with you and spends nights running around New York City with you, jumping from rooftop to rooftop.

He tells you about Elektra, Stick, his dad, and Fisk.

One day, when you feel safe enough, wrapped up in his arms and a layer of blankets as snow falls against the windows, you tell him about The Doctor.  You explain to him your nightmares, and why they will never go away.

He kisses away your tears and promises he’ll never let anything happen to you.

When he asks you to marry him, you don’t hesitate to say yes. There’s not a moment where you regret that decision. You insist to get married in the summer, during the short month where your antlers shed before they grow back. He agrees happily, just wanting you to be happy.

You’ve been married for about five months when you start to think about kids. You’ve been married six when you realize the worst possible scenario is your reality—When vials of blue serum show up at your front door with a note scribbled out—

‘My Best Test Subject,

I cannot wait to catch up with you soon.

-The Doctor’

You call Matt in a panic, begging him to come home and be with you. He obliges and holds you as you calm down. He promised to love you in sickness and in health, and that is what he fully intends to do.

This is the story of the greatest challenge that your marriage would face.

• • •

After the note you had received, you almost exclusively traveled with Matt. Even for just a casual stroll, a walk to the deli or home from work, He was there with you. He knew you could handle yourself, but you felt safer with him close by.

But Matt’s senses were never as focused when it rained, especially on nights like today. The rain pours, it almost stings against his skin. And it’s loud. You don’t have your hearing aids in, so they catch you both by surprise.

It all happens too fast—

In an instant, Matt is being pulled off your arm and slammed against the closest brick alley, and when he hears the click of a gun behind him, he realizes what’s happening. He tries to fight, but before he can make any process, someone is swinging that gun against his head, and when he wakes up, he’s all alone.

He calls out to you and gets no response other than thunder rumbling from miles away. He is filled with nothing but a rage, a determination to find you.

He scrambles for his phone and uses it to call Karen.

“I need you to get Frank.” He tells her, “Please. I.. I don’t know what happened, but.. He took her, I need.. Karen, I need to find her.” He tells her.

Frank is on his way to New York within the hour.

• • •

When you wake up, your arms are strapped behind your back in some sort of metal contraption. You can feel the ache in your hands, indicating that you had fought against whoever brought you here. The room is quiet. A small cot in one corner, but the rest of the room is barren.

You’re wearing white pants and a gray muscle tee, with no shoes. You’re suddenly thankful you left your wedding ring at home, so that it might not end up in his hands.

You wait a while, and then the door opens. The Doctor, flanked by two men in heavy armor, holding those batons you’re all too acquainted with, steps into the room. You simply stare, but The Doctor looks like a child on Christmas morning.

But there’s something else to his appearance. His left eye is this bright yellow, and his pupil is a different shape. Green scales travel up his neck and coat the bottom right half of his face, and down his arms, reaching his fingertips. He looks like a monster, but you quickly realize what has happened.

Whatever serum gave you your abilities, was given to him. Only, his was made from that of snakes, not deer.

“My beautiful creation!” He gasps and takes your face in his hand, planting a kiss to your head, right between your antlers. “It’s been too long, you know.” His ‘s’ sounds are elongated, and his teeth are sharper. He has become destroyed by his own mad endeavors. When you don’t respond to his greeting, he continues to speak. “It’s been an eventful few years for you, huh?” When this doesn’t get a response from you, he stands up straight and backs up just a foot. “New job, new name… New husband.” Your head snaps up at that. “What? You think I haven’t been keeping tabs on you and the boy? What do you call him, then? Matthew or Daredevil?”

Your eyes grow wide, unsure how he knows about your husband’s secret hobby.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” You spit, your gaze hardening into a glare.

“Don’t I? You make quite the couple. The little deaf doe and her crime fighting blind husband.” He laughs, “And they say I like a project.”

“You won’t touch him or I swear to god—”

“Little doe, you misunderstand. I want nothing to do with your husband. I just want you to be the good subject I know you can be.” He tells you. “You and I are the only of our kind. I want to study you, replicate you.”

“You’re going to kidnap more people.”

“You weren’t kidnapped, you volunteered.”

“I won’t do whatever it is you want me to do.” You tell him. “I don’t care, I will escape, I will kill you.”

He shakes his head, taking one of the batons from the guards, before hitting you across the face with it. You groan in pain, turning your head back to glare at him. He sighs.

“I didn’t want to have to do this. But I did anticipate that Husband of yours interrupting things.” He hands the baton back to the guard before telling him. “Take her down the hall and get her ready, alright?”

You struggle your way down the hall, refusing to do whatever is coming to you without a fight. When the guards uncuff you to strap you to this big dentist looking chair, you manage to get out of the grasp of the guard, swinging a punch on him but this newfound advantage is short lived, as the other guard quickly grabs your arms and pushes you against the chair. You’re yelling and thrashing but they manage to get your arms and legs strapped down to the chair.

Your heartbeat is racing, and quietly, only in your mind, you beg. But not for mercy. Not from The Doctor. You beg Matt to come find you. Because you know that you do not stand a chance on your own, but maybe he could find you. He had to find you.

The Doctor sits in a chair next to you and holds up a small purple vial.

“This is hallucinogenic snake venom, mixed with a duller version of the serum we gave you. What this will do is allow me to go into your memories and alter them.” He explains as if you’re getting a simple procedure done. Tears fill your eyes.

“You’re going to make me forget him?” You ask, your voice breaking.

The Doctor hushes you softly, wiping your tears softly.

“Oh, no, little doe. I’m going to change what you do remember about him to make you hate him.”

• • •

Six months is a long time to be without your wife. For anyone, no matter who it is.

For Matt Murdock, it’s absolute torture. He spends all day half paying attention to his work while trying to research who The Doctor is. He spends all night trying to find you.

Frank lives, breathes, eats and sleeps to find you. He’s still technically a wanted man, so he pretty much stays under the radar as he looks for you. You remind him of a lot of guys he knew in the army, of himself.

Karen busies herself with research, looking through cases of old files at The Bulletin to try and see if there are any tips or stories that could maybe be connected to where you are. She gets about as little sleep as Matt.

And Foggy has the most important job of all.

Making sure Matt doesn’t kill himself in the process of trying to find you. Because for the first two months Matt didn’t sleep, hardly ate. And as he deteriorated, Foggy reminded him that to find you, he’d need to stay alive. He needs to shower, he needs to keep going to church, he needs to keep eating. The thought of hearing your heartbeat again keeps him going.

It’s as they’re packing up to go home one night that Frank comes into the office with blood-stained hands. They all know he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t have something, so Karen asks first.

“What? What is it?”

“Buddy of mine found a file. Some private medicinal corporation funding a project for some sort of doctor doing cancer research, upstate.”

The location peaks Matt’s interest, because one of the few things he knows of your first experience is that the lab was in upstate New York.

“Okay, but—” Karen starts, but Frank hands her the file.

“Report shows the guy had scales.” He told her. “And I don’t know what you guys make of that but sounds to me like a side effect similar to the serum that was given to her.”

“Where?” Matt asks.

“Red, just—”

“Give me a god damn address, Frank.” He demands.

“I’ll drive you. Come on, things are probably gonna get wild and I don’t want you going alone.” He told him. Matt agrees, but only because he knows he can’t drive and would wind up walking to you.

“Then let’s go.” Before Frank can argue, Matt is walking out the door and going to get suited up for the journey ahead.

• • •

Daredevil is my enemy.

Matt Murdock hates me.

I hate him.

We were never really in love with each other.

These are the thoughts that echo through your mind as you wait for your next round of testing. The six-month mark is pivotal, The Doctor tells you time and time again.

Overall, you’ve made tremendous progress. He tells you that within weeks, other serums will be ready to test on new subjects. Maybe then, he tells you, he’ll promote you from just being a soldier.

Maybe.

You almost don’t hear the alarm going off somewhere in the distance. Of course, you don’t. The serum has never helped your hearing.

The way you remember it, Daredevil, a man who once claimed to love you, fought you to the point that he destroyed the nerves in your hands, destroyed your hearing. It’s fuzzy now, but you know this: The Doctor helped you. He put you back together.

But you do hear the alarm, eventually. It concerns you; it means someone has broken into the building. Your thoughts linger on the masked vigilante that haunts your nightmare. You’re getting stronger to defeat him, The Doctor says.

It’s a cool summer night when whoever it is broke in, breaks down your door. You immediately stand, quickly identifying Frank Castle, a grin breaking across your face. Closely behind, you identify a man in red.

Your heartbeat races, but you just stare at the pair.

Matt strips off his helmet and approaches you, wanting to make sure this was real. That you were real. His hands find your cheeks, and tears fill his eyes. He says your name gently.

“I found you, I’ve got you…”

You blink, unsure of what sort of cruel teasing that was.

Because in an instant, your glare hardens and you’re pushing him against a wall, starting to throw punches at him. He’s too far in shock to react, but Frank is pulling you off of him, and you’re struggling against him.

“Let me go! I need to kill him! He’s evil, he needs to die!” You cry, and Matt is just saying your name softly, in absolute disarray. What had they done to you, his sweet girl?

Frank pins you down to the ground, unsure of why you, a woman he had perceived to be so in love with the man behind him, are so adamant that he dies.

“Enough, Enough!” He barks, grabbing your chin and forcing you to look at Matt. “That is your husband, girl. Stop acting like he’s torturing you when he is not the one whose been experimenting on you for six months!”

“Let me go, I need him gone! He’s cruel, He’s a monster!” You cry, and Matt has started crying. Putting you both out of your misery, Frank hits you in a way that knocks you right out. Matt goes over to your now unconscious form and pets your hair.

“Why was she—”

“I don’t know.. I just don’t know, red. Let’s get her out of here to figure it out, okay?” Matt just nods and grabs his helmet, slipping it on so Frank can’t see him crying anymore.

• • •

If you had a nickel for every time you woke up tied to a chair, you’d have more nickels than you had fingers.

Today is no different.

You’re surrounded by people you don’t recognize. And one you do. Your angry glare stays on him, and he looks upset by it.

You’re unsure why. You’re so sure he just wanted you dead.

The blonde woman in front of you says your name softly. When your gaze shifts to her, you notice her soft eyes.

“How do you know my name?” You ask.

She frowns.

“It—Because we’re good friends.”

“I don’t know you.”

“You don’t… My name is Karen.” She says softly. She goes over to a nearby shelf, pulling out a picture frame and showing it to you. “Here, that’s you and me. At your wedding.”

“My wedding? The one that he set up just to hurt me?”

Matt remembers you telling him that you had never been happier than when you were getting ready for your wedding.

There’s two other men, one held you down while you were meant to kill Matt, but the other one.. You vaguely remember him standing next to Matt when you got married.

He speaks next.

“Matt and Frank, they found these vials in one of the labs. We think the man that took you used it to... to alter your memories.”

“Why would The Doctor do that? He helped me.” You tell them, unsure what to make of this whole situation. Matt is growing extremely frustrated because he knows just how scared you were of that monster.

“Untie her.” Matt tells Frank, and everyone looks at him like he’s crazy. Including you because you know that you’ll just try and kill him. “Do it,” he tells him again and very hesitantly, Frank does untie you. When you’re free from the rope, you step forward to go towards Matt, but Frank grabs your arm.

“Don’t,” he says. But then, Matt reaches for Frank’s gun on the nearby table and hands it to you. Odd choice for a man you want to kill.

“Go ahead.” He tells you, facing you now. “Shoot me, kill me if that’s what you really want to do.” He says. You stare at the gun in your hand for a second, before holding it properly and aiming it at Matt. Everyone waits with bated breath to see what you’ll do.

Pull the trigger, you tell yourself, The Doctor’s voice echoing around your head. He hurt you, the voice says. He needs to die.

And yet, you just stare at the man on the other end of the gun, trying to build up the courage to kill him. To kill the man that for months you have been taught needs to die. That you have memories of hurting you, of maiming you.

Your hand tremors as tears fill your eyes, until you eventually drop your arm, so the gun isn’t pointing at him anymore.

“Look at the photo of you and Karen,” Matt tells you, “You have hearing aids in the photo. I didn’t do that to you, you got into a bad accident, you got sick and that’s how you lost your hearing. I had nothing to do with that. You even had your powers before me, you didn’t just get them in the past six months. The Doctor is an evil man who just wanted to torture people and turn them into science experiments.” He tells you, and you want to tell him to stop, that it’s not true. But something in you tells you not to. “I love you,” he says gently, and you flinch away from him when he says this.

It breaks his heart into a million pieces. Absolutely shatters it.

“I don’t know you.” You tell him.

Sensing that Matt doesn’t know what to say to that, Frank steps forward.

“Hey. I’m Frank, you remember me?”

“You pinned me down when you found me.” He sighs softly.

“Yeah, well.. You have memories of when the two of you got married, right? So those are real memories… What about the ones of him hurting you? Do they look any different?”

You take a moment to close your eyes and really focus on the memory you have so closely attached to the man in red. They’re.. Filmy. Like they have a filter on them or like glass shimmering in the sun.

Tears fall from your eyes as you open them, your hand quickly coming up to wipe your tears.

“I think we did enough for now.. She needs to rest.” The man whose name you don’t know, but he has this shaggy blonde hair. Then this question comes up in everyone’s mind—Where will you stay?

“I’ll take the couch,” Matt says, “You take the bed.” You don’t know how comfortable you are with being alone with Matt in this apartment, even if the memories are fake. They feel pretty real.

“I don’t know if—” Karen starts.

“I.. It’s fine..” you say softly, and that fills Matt with a fraction of hope. “It’s just over night.”

Frank sighs softly, taking his gun off the table and glancing at Matt.

“We’re only a phone call away, alright?” Karen tells him.

It feels sort of awkward that they only talk to him as if you can’t hear them. Well, you can’t hear them very well, but you can hear.

“There’s clothes for you in the bedroom,” Matt tells you, “Go take a shower and I’ll walk them to the door.” Very reluctant to turn your back on Matt, you make your way to the bedroom to gather your clothes and go to shower.

You really haven’t had a good shower in six months, so it’s nice to wash the dirt off your skin and from beneath your fingernails. You spend a long time under the hot shower, letting it burn your skin. Your whole life has been turned upside down because you’re slowly coming to terms with the fact that Matt Murdock isn’t your sworn enemy, and that maybe.. he just.. does like you..

Meanwhile, Matt walks the others out, or at least to the door, hesitant to go too far from you.

Foggy glances back to him before he leaves, curiously.

“How did you know she wouldn’t shoot you?”

He hesitates.

“I didn’t.” he says softly. “I just trusted that somewhere within her, my wife still loves me.”

• • •

Later that night, you stare out the window of his apartment at that bright billboard. You gaze at it curiously, and hear Matt call your name gently behind you. In his hands, he holds your hearing aids.

You put them on, and just look at him for a few minutes.

“You kept them?”

“I never stopped looking for you..” He told you. “I prayed every night hoping to hear your heartbeat again.” He tells you, and you don’t know what to make of it. He seems so devoted to you, yet you have these memories of him beating you until you’re close to death.

“I’m sorry I can’t be in love with you the way you want me to be.”

He shrugs gently.

“In sickness and in health, right?”

“And in torture and memory alteration.”

“Same thing.”

For the first time in six months, you smile.

Maybe your husband isn’t such a bad guy.

You can only hope he’ll love you long enough for you to get your shit together and not want to kill him anymore.

• • •

Memories are a tricky thing.

You decide to spend your days with Frank, hunting down various people who worked with The Doctor. You talk a lot about your memories with him. And no matter what, at the end of the day, you have dinner with Matt.

One night, he brings home Thai Food.

“We had this for our first date,” he recalls. “You got pad Thai, your favorite.” You try to recall the memory.

“You wore a nice blue button up, right?” You say softly. He smiles gently and nods.

“Yeah. I did.” He says gently.

“Can..” You hesitate. “Can you tell me more about it? Our life together? I can’t.. discern between what’s real and fabricated.” You’re making new memories, sure, but you know he misses the life the two of you had together.

But he’s caught off guard by your request. For the past few weeks, you’ve been hesitant to indulge in any memories you think might be real.

“You used to work for me.” He tells you. “Not in a weird way, but our office is small. We fell in love over Thai food and opening statements.”

“Why did you want to marry me?”

He hesitates for a second, not wanting to scare you off.

“Because I love you.” He tells you. “Because when you were with me, it was the closest thing I’d ever knew to peace.” He confesses.

“Oh..”

“Yeah.” He takes another bite of his food. “You know if you have a memory and you don’t know if it’s real, you can always ask.”

You smile softly.

“Thanks.” There’s a soft silence that fills the room before you ask, “I have this memory of us in bed, with you running your hand through my hair.. Your fingers tracing these antlers I have.. Is that real?”

“Yeah, it is..” He promised. “I have a thing about textures and your hair is soft.”

“I’m glad.” You smile. This is nice. This gentleness that’s between you. It’s a softness you aren’t used to, one that you don’t know if you’d ever quite get used to.

Later that night, when you were meant to be fast asleep, you wake up with a startling gasp in bed. You look around panicked. You don’t quite know who you’re looking for..

Until Matt comes into the room, a concerned look on his face.

“Are you okay?” He asks, and this calmness washes over you.

“Yeah..”

“Okay. Okay, good, I’ll be in the living room if you need me.” He says softly. He’s been so good to you, sleeping on the couch for so many weeks. He goes to leave, but you call out to him. He turns back to you.

“Can you stay with me?” You ask.

“Yeah, of course.” He says softly, climbing into bed with you. You think for a second, before shifting a bit, resting your head against his chest. You listen to the gentle thud of his heartbeat, as his hand finds your back, gently rubbing up and down. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He isn’t dumb—He knows you have nightmares. And that on the nights that you do, you’re quieter and more avoidant of him. It’s a bad habit, one you want to break. Because you recognize that your dreams aren’t real.

Matt has never done anything to you, and you’re sure of this.. For the most part. Sometimes when you wake up, you must reorient yourself and remind yourself that Matt has no malicious intent towards you and no reason to hurt you.

But it takes you a few minutes to accomplish this. On those mornings, you tend to keep your distance from him, and because Matt wants nothing but your happiness, he stays away from you. But tea is always placed in front of you, and he never strays far from you.

“Not really.” You finally answer. There’s another beat of silence. “We went as the couple from The Princess Bride for our first Halloween together.. Real or not real?”

“Real.” He confirms.

“You broke my nose once during an argument. Real or not real?”

“Not real.” He tells you. “I would never hurt you. Even when we used to fight at the gym, it was always for practice, never to do actual damage. And when we would spar, it would always end with us going home and taking a hot bath.”

You close your eyes, trying to recall that particular memory. When you find it, your face flushes with this unfamiliar heat.

“You’re still trying to protect me even though I wanted you dead... Real or not real?”

“Real.” He doesn’t even hesitate. He’s not sure if you’ve realized it yet, but he’d rather die than put you anywhere close to being in danger. His hand continues to trace patterns into your skin, as you think about his response.

You fall asleep like this, close to the man who you’re realizing has never intended to hurt you a day in your life.

• • •

The day you realize you’re in love with your husband is horrifying.

Which seems like a crazy accusation to make, and yet, you feel nothing but horror when you realize that you are desperate for him. Which is insane, because you’ve been living with him for two months when you realize you are desperate to kiss him like you’re drowning and need air.

It happens at the office. You decided to cook, because you remember really liking it, and to say thank you for all he’s done for you, you want to bring lunch to Matt at work. So you make this really delicious chicken pesto pasta, and you pick up sodas to go along with it. Matt gets the following text:

‘Your favorite soda is Dr. Pepper. Real or not real?’

Five minutes later, you get a response.

‘Real. Yours is sprite.’

You pick up a bottle of each and head over to his office. You’ve been there a few times before, but mostly it was because Frank needed to talk to Karen about something, but lately you’ve found yourself wanting to go to the office just to see Matt.

Matt is surprised when he hears the familiar beat of your heart on the other side of the door. He can also hear the slight buzz of your hearing aids.

“Sweetheart, you can come in.” He calls, but you hesitate even further. Not because you’re confused as to why he knows it’s you, but because your brain sort of short circuits when he calls you the pet name. But after a few minutes, you walk into the room and place lunch on his desk, as well with your drinks.

“Do you like pesto?”

“We had pesto pasta at our wedding.” Oh.

“So you do?”

“Yeah, I do. Especially the way you make it.”

“Oh, good.” You smile and sit at the chair on the other side of the desk. “Because I made chicken pesto pasta for lunch and figured you might want some.”

“Well, thank you for thinking of me.”

There’s a quiet calm between the two of you.

“This is a pretty killer first date, huh?” This makes Matt laugh, because in his mind, your first date was eating Thai food and listening to music. But this isn’t bad either.

“Well, Chivalry must be dead then, because I didn’t even buy you flowers.” He hums, and you tilt your head.

“I don’t remember you ever buying me flowers.” He frowns at this.

“Well, I’m going to have to fix that.”

And that’s how the afternoon goes. You sit with Matt in his office, eating a homemade chicken pasta and falling in love with him. As you go to leave, he asks you what you have planned for the day.

“I have some errands to run, but I should be home to make dinner.” And for a moment, Matt forgets all that’s happened, and he lets himself believe that you have all your memories of him perfectly intact and no one’s ever made you think otherwise.

You get back to the apartment a few hours later, and just as you’re unpacking your groceries, there’s a knock at the door. When you open it, a delivery man stands with a bouquet of flowers. Your face is warm as you sign off on them.

As you put them in their vase, you notice a note attached to it. You catch yourself grinning as you read his little note, that reads ‘I’ll buy you flowers until I’m old and wrinkly. Real.’

The urge to run back to the office and kiss him overwhelms you.

So you call Frank.

This leads to the pair of you, sitting at a booth in a diner, nursing coffees and toast.

“I hope you didn’t call me here just to complain about married life.” He tells you, making a joke out of the thing that terrifies you.

“No, I just wanted you to sit here talking to a chick with antlers so you can look like more of a freak than you already are.” You tease.

It gets you both laughing. These moments, in between all the nightmares and all of the filmy memories, fill you with a light you can’t quite describe.

“So, why’d you really call me to meet up?” He asks. “I have to assume you don’t just want to chitchat.”

“I think I’m in love with Matt.” You tell him. He raises an eyebrow.

“What? Why does that sound like you think it’s a problem?” He asks.

“I don’t know.” You confess. “It’s like I don’t want to love him, like a part of me still believes he’s the bad guy. I know he does.. Besides, I was so awful to him for so long. I pointed a gun at him and he still comforts me every night. What if I don’t deserve this?” You ask. “What if I don’t deserve him?”

Frank actually laughs—Okay, not like a giggle or a belly laugh, but it gets a good chuckle out of him.

“You and Red with that shit—Questioning if you’ve done enough for something good to happen to you. With the ‘Do I deserve this?’ and the ‘Am I worthy of this?” He shakes his head. “All that shit is irrelevant. Do you want it? Do you want to be with him?”

Tears fill your eyes as you realize what that means.

“You and him, you love each other like breathing, and I know you don’t quite get that yet, but it’s the same reason you didn’t shoot him that day. Something in you knows that you love him and deserve his love.” Frank is speaking from experience, because he knows that no matter what he’s done, he knows he deserves one more kiss from his wife.

But he’ll never get that chance.

He hopes Matt does.

• • •

It takes you a long time to make your way back to the apartment. When you get there, Matt immediately stands from his place on the couch and has this look of concern etched across his face.

“Is everything okay?” he asks gently, “Your heart is racing, I just want to make sure you’re safe and—"

“I’m fine.” You smile gently. “Really, I… Thank you for the flowers.” You tell him. His face softens.

“You like them?”

“I love them, Matt.” You confess. “I’ve spent.. So long trying to rationalize everything, sort out the real things from the things that aren’t..” You’re not too sure what you’re trying to say. “I just.. I want.. I want to try. I want to try and be with you, I’m ready for that. I’m ready to be happy with you..”

He hesitates. Not because he doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t want you, but he is worried that you’re only saying these things because you feel like you might owe him. You don’t. You don’t owe him anything other than what you want to give him, and he is desperate for you to know that.

“Sweetheart, You don’t.. I don’t need.. I don’t need you to pretend like you want me just because I’ve taken care of you. It’s more than enough to just—”

Matt is cut off by his first kiss from you in eight months. Your hands rest on the sides of his cheeks, and his arms are quickly around your torso. The kiss is passionate but soft at first—Until you push deeper, desperate to be as close as you can to him. Your hand even comes up to pull off his glasses to see his eyes.

Without thinking, you pull away from him only for your hand to come down to the hem of his shirt, going to pull it off.

“Off, off, off, off—” You softly request, and he just laughs, taking your hand in his, pressing a kiss to the back of it.

“Stop. Wait.” He says gently. “I just.. I want to make sure you actually want this.. That you really want me.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You’ve been reserved for the past two months, rightfully so, but now you want to sleep with me.. I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret. Or something you do just because you feel lonely or bad that I—” You cut him off with another kiss, breaking it shortly after.

“I want you. I want to rebuild my life with you. I want to create new, untainted memories.. It won’t be easy, but I want to be with you.” You confess. “I want countless summer nights, I want you to be there for all the nightmares, I.. I want to give you the same peace you’ve been trying to give me.”

You’re both crying and you don’t quite know why. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gold band. He slips it onto your fingers and kisses you again. He holds the hand with your wedding ring on it as he leads you into the bedroom. Into your life together. Into your arms. Where you were meant to be.

The next morning, you lay in the quiet of your apartment, the silk sheets tickling your skin. You focus on Matt’s breathing. He traces patterns into your skin.

“What are you thinking about?” You ask, and he takes a moment to answer.

“You.” He says gently. “You’re all I’ve been thinking about for three years.” He says gently. Then, when you don’t say anything, “Our anniversary was two months ago..” You know he misses the life you could have had together.

The life that he had planned out for the pair of you in his head. The life that oh so quietly, he longs for. The one without nightmares, supplemented by the laughter of any potential children you might have.

“I could get used to thinking about you, too, you know.” And it makes him laugh, as you lean up and bite his shoulder gently, before placing a kiss to that same patch of skin. He swats your arm gently before the pair of you break down into giggles.

“In the future, if you ever.. don’t want to do that, you don’t have to.”

“I know.” You tell him.

A comfortable silence fills the air again.

“I’m so happy you came back to me.” He says gently. “I was.. I spent so long worried that.. that we’d spend years just trying to find our footing again. That you wouldn’t get better..” For the second time tonight, you cut off his overthinking with a kiss.

“I love you.” You tell him when you’re finally ready to pull away. The morning light shines into the apartment, giving Matt this glowing effect. He practically shimmers in the golden light, and you just take a moment to commit the look of him to memory.

You try and take your time, studying him. He’s so beautiful this time of day.

“Real or not real?” He asks you softly, as one hand snakes up to your hair, his fingers gently running through it.

You lean forward and place a soft kiss to his lips.

“Real.”

[lostonmari]

SUCCESS #2 - November

Success #2 -- Everything I manifested in November

November is when I started this blog, and also ACTUALLY started applying all of the things I learned started taking affirming and thinking in my favor seriously instead of just sporadically manifesting random things here and there because I was too lazy to put in the work. I never had issues w wavering, but I was just inconsistent as fuck (Hell, I'm still inconsistent with posting on my own damn blog, yall can't possibly think I'm consistent with affirming!) So here's everything I manifested…

Manifested back my old bestfriend/ex-gf after 4 years no contact She came back, apologized for mistreating me and told me basically everything I affirmed for LMAO. and that's one of the things that gave me faith in the law because ik this girl would rather die than ever apologize to someone. Now that she's back I'm manifesting away her friends and leaving her broke down and in shambles because I'm evil and believe in revenge. yall dont know the type of bullsh*t this woman put me through. Idc if everyone is you pushed out, some people don't deserve forgiveness 🤓

My mom is walking again I successfully revised her shattered ankle without the weeks of recovery time the doctors "thought" she needed. She's literally walking around just fine now and doesn't need to wear her cast or whatever that big bulky thing was.

Manifested my brother out of jail on a time crunch Now I'm not sharing my family's whole drama online but… yea. he's out.

No more social anxiety, cured one of my mental health issues I don't wanna trauma dump or go into too much detail about my life but, yes. for anyone also working on mental health, it can be done and you won't regret trying. Life actually feels like it has meaning now and for once in all my years of life, I can actually say that I'm happy. 💗

Stopped nail biting COMPLETELY! I used to struggle with nail biting for YEARSSS whether it was out of stress, anxiety, whatever the fuck. but now it's completely gone. my nails are no longer STUBS, like theyre actually long and healthy. I didn't even affirm for this so I kinda think it came with improving my mental health since I didn't really have the issues that *triggered* nail biting anymore yk?. I'm actually the happiest about this result like yall don't understand how long I've wanted the natural french tips look 💀

[TW: Discussion of binging, discussion of food]

6. WL + Maintained weight loss! I literally changed my entire way of viewing food, and subsequently fixed my lose->gain->lose-> gain again cycle. Ever since learning LOAss If I binged I would be like: I just have a fast metabolism so that's why I'm so hungry my body is burning everything I eat so fast! and I would also tell myself calories don't matter because food is only energy. Basically, reminding myself of what Abdullah told Neville: "If you ate as I did, you would be poisoned because of your belief." (heavily paraphrased because my memory is terrible.. yes I'm working on it 😭) and it keeps me from feeling guilty abt eating. I ate SOOO MUCH food yesterday and I mean SO MUCH. I ate an entire box of cheese sticks, two large chicken sandwiches, 2 pb & j sandwiches total throughout the day, and half a tub of icecream for dessert… Yeah I was going crazy.. to the point I looked 5 months pregnant at the end of the night. Fast forward to today, my stomach is back to flat and back to normal as if it never happened. Food literally will not effect you if you believe it doesn't! This was my main focus too so I'm very proud of myself :)

Moral of the story is, never give up.

YOU decide what happens in your reality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There were times when I didn't want to affirm, so I didn't. If I felt lazy then I didn't consciously affirm or listen to subliminals, I just relaxed and went on about my day. I never made affirming feel like a chore. There were times when I had doubts too or thought it wouldn't work. I especially thought it wouldn't work for my mental health but I just affirmed anyway. When you're having resistance literally just know there's nothing bad that can possibly happen from believing in yourself and thinking in your favor. Just DO IT. Persist no matter what and you WILL get what you want!

I'll try to do better with posting my successes (but only ones that actually meant something big to me tbh. I don't see a point in sharing every little thing unless it was me overcoming some type of struggle) and answering messages but I refuse to download the tumblr app so yall just gotta see and hear from me whenever I feel like loading up this website. I'm just enjoying & living my life rn girl I used to dream about times like this and now I finally have them 😭

[rothjuje]

Poppa passed early yesterday morning. At first I was so relieved that he was no longer suffering, I had had so much anxiety about him suffering or being in pain that it was comforting to know he was finally free of the cancer that plagued his last year of life. But now I’m just sad. Real sad.

The funeral is tomorrow and I am thankful to be able to attend over zoom. The rabbi came by yesterday evening to do a small Shabbat service with close family which I heard was really nice.

Sigh.

Anyway. George has been really struggling lately between summer dysregulation and Justin being gone. Yesterday was actually the hardest day we’ve had since we moved here. He is refusing to run any errands and Justin left so abruptly (3 hours notice but I was babysitting at the time so I couldn’t prep at all) that we’re just out of everything. I can do a pick up order from Target but they don’t sell chicken food. I guess pop him in a stroller and let him scream? I’m out of options. And sanity. Also I really need to be able to leave the house for my mental health. I so wanted to bring the kids to the park today but it rained AGAIN so everything was soaked and whyyy.

Some drama went down in my moms’ group (it didn’t involve me). I feel like there is constant drama all the time and I cannot understand why women can’t be nice to each other sometimes. Now our group is split in half and I’m disappointed in both sides and I’m over it. Can’t we all just get along? We’re almost 40, why does it feel like high school still?!

Anyway. I think my state of non-functioning last week was because of my crazy high level of anxiety. I think I was panicking about Poppa suffering, but also could have been having some PTSD that he was in the hospital, on hospice, waiting to die and I was there with my sister 15 years ago and it was hard and just thinking of my husband going through something similar made me physically ill (he was also spending the night at the hospital camped out like I was). It’s also July and I think a lot about her accident in July in general. Anyway. My anxiety has returned to its normal level and my house is clean again and the laundry is getting done and I’m sleeping much better.

I started using some otc acne stuff and it cleared up right away, thank goodness. I also put myself on an eating plan, I don’t care that I’ve gained a few extra pounds but I just don’t feel healthy, and I swear I get brain fog when I overdo it with gluten/carbs. And I need my brain to function at its fullest capacity during this season of my life.

[clunelover]

Okay great, I get to do the intensive outpatient program (half days - mornings) for anxiety/OCD. Starting in a few weeks. I now get to figure out what exactly I say to my boss and when. I’ve done it before but it’s been a long time!

For any of you who didn’t follow me back when I did this - I had terrible PPA after C was born. All my usual anxiety shit was ratcheted up, and I had some new things that seemed to have sprung up due to the Las Vegas shooting happening during my maternity leave. It finally got bad enough that social worker BFF said I should consider treatment.

At the time I did PHP (partial hospitalization - ie full weekdays) and then stepped down to IOP. I think it lasted 10-12 weeks between the two.

The program included some amounts of CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and art therapy, with the bulk of the time being spent on ERP (exposure and response prevention). Just doing exposures to trigger anxiety and sitting with it until it reduces at least by half. This is why I say I don’t want to go back - that shit is HARD. But it really works. Those of us with this flavor of anxiety get in a thought trap where we think anxiety is unbearable and that it won’t go away unless we [insert unhealthy behavior or ritual/compulsion]. But in fact it will eventually go away on its own. I just need to retrain my muscles for tolerating discomfort.

For me, some of the specific exposures were:

- for fear of being wrong, tell someone an incorrect fact on purpose (my favorite was “Massachusetts wasn’t one of the original 13 colonies.”)

- for fear of people thinking I’m weird, face the “wrong” way in an elevator

(Most of these things were done with employees at the facility. Not just random people on the street or something. Oh although one of my things was to send a work email without checking it for typos).

Eventually I built up to something they called “interroceptives” which were activities meant to simulate physical feelings of panic, like spinning in a chair or trying to breathe through a cocktail straw.

Anyway, when I did it the first time, I remember it gave me so much freedom. So many things I’d thought impossible or too scary, I could do. But the disinclination to sit with discomfort can creep back in.

I think my current issues are different than last time I went in! Back then I was still working as a statistician, so I had very specific “I’ve forgotten everything I learned in grad school” thoughts. Now that I do a different type of job, I’m more secure (although less so again with new hard to read boss). My current issues are much more social in nature. I can’t bear talking to other Girl Scout moms. All my friends actually hate me. Etc.

And more agitation about things needing to be “just right.” Almost all household chores except laundry are too overwhelming to start. Anyway, I’m pumped to get it all sorted out! And I hope my favorite mental health specialist is still there although that’s unlikely cause I think it’s a high turnover job. But we shall see!

[thewanderingace]

I need advice.

I'm thinking about applying for a job at the museum I used to work at and I don't know if it's a stupid idea or not.

Background info:

It's been over 4 years since I worked there and I left (I was not fired) because of a combination of things. Mostly to finish grad school and being incredibly frustrated over management decisions which made life really hard. I worked at this place for 5 years. I loved the work, the museum atmosphere, and most of my coworkers but management was awful and their decisions made life so hard for us all. I think 5 people left during the same month I did.

I still have a friend who work there that I talk to regularly and they said I'm remembered fondly. When she leaves to hang out with me several people ask about me and want to say hi. I left on good terms with those who still work there. Plus this place rehires all the time so it wouldn't be unusual for me to go back. Heck my friend worked there, left for a few years to work somewhere else, then came back.

The job is essentially the same thing I did when I worked there before. Less cashiering, more walking. I was a sales associate. This is more like a gallery interpreter/security guard. So it's not exactly a great career move but I already know the job and the building so theres no need to train me really and that level of comfort would be super for my anxiety. And it's part time which is what I want (why is it so hard to find part work that isn't retail nowadays!) Even if the pay is garbage (which it will be) it's still better than the nothing I make now.

In the 5 years since I've left I have not gotten another job. 1 year was spent in grad school. Then covid hit and at the same time my brother got really sick (unrelated to covid) and I was his primary caregiver for 2 and a half years. Now all I've been able to get in my field is volunteer positions and my mental health has not been good enough for anything else. Like 2019 and 2020 was very bad and I'm still recovering from everything that happened to me then. Job pickings are also TERRIBLE right now. Especially in my field. I can't even find jobs to apply for let alone apply and get rejected.

So basically do I go back to a job I left that is not considered an upword career move? To a place that was rather difficult at times and I don't know if it'll be any better? I kinda think I've changed and can just go to work, do the job, come home and not give a shit about anything else. I couldn't do that before. I got too invested in the place.

I need to ask my friend who works there what the environment is like. That might help.

I'm basically at the point where I want to make a little money doing something I enjoy that isnt too stressful. That was basically the definition of my job there previously. I'm not as interested I'm a big career as I once was and I can't do full time for reasons. I'm tired. I don't want to work but I want money. I want to not hate my job. I want to work only a few days a week. I don't want to be in charge of anything or anyone. I want to be left alone for most of the day. And I'm really tired of being broke. This job was all of that. I know my mom and my sister (who both worked at this place with me btw. Long story) have told me to stay far away from this place. To not go back. That they'd rather continue to support me while I find something else than let me go back there. But they definitely have bias and negative emotions attached to this place. I do too a bit but not to their extent and they've both been able to find work on their fields (library and medical). My mom especially was treated really badly by management multiple times.

God I don't know what to do! Any advice would be great. Do I apply? Do I keep looking? I don't know what to do!

[butteredteeth]

TW: Vent

Topics: toxic mother, severe anxiety

So lastnight I was sobbing super hard about feeling like I'm being abandoned by my best friend (not specifying which, I hate doing that) and while I was crying I got all raspy as one does when bawling their eyes out to the point their throat bothers them. So she told me "those noises arent necessary" and that I "cry differently every time I cry". Which is, let me know if I'm wrong, A NATURAL OCCURENCE FOR HUMANS?? Anyways then she kept trying to comfort me after I said I was just gonna leave the room because I didnt even feel like crying into her shoulder anymore and would rather cry alone. So when I finally left I kept silently sobbing, hoping she didnt hear me. And I tried watching South Park for a distraction, barely worked. Did my makeup finally, distracted me really very good but trying to go to sleep was difficult because I am still so terrified I'm going to lose them. So I took an indica 10mg gummy and watched South Park until it kicked in enough for me to sleep. Woke up feeling like shit this morning. My calves hurt, my knees hurt, my arms are sore, my neck is super tense, my back feels like it's being snapped in half with every movement, and worst part? Yesterday my therapy was cancelled so now I have to wait a week to get all of this shit off of my chest and get advice and a good talking about my emotions and irritability. And today we went to the furniture store to get my mom a new chair and previous to that we were waiting for the family buddy to get here, he helps with furniture moving and we rarely see him other than that. My mom tells me to "not be all over him and playing with him like that" when I'm acting like a kid my age should. Only time anyone EVER plays with me, my sisters dont, my mom cant, and anyone else who can doesnt want to or feels like im too old because im too mature. I always say I'm too mature to play and stuff but I do it ALONE that's why. The family buddy practically adopted into the family at this point. Hes like my older brother. Feels like my mom hates to see me play and have fun and genuinely laugh. She did apologize because "now that she thinks about it, its just her insecurity an anxiety about people thinking I'm a brat" which really hit a hard one in my chest because SHE.

SHE.

Used to call me a spoiled brat for having panic attacks, meltdowns, and anxiety. She has always pushed her stress onto me. Never tried to hide it to save my mental health even when I was like six. I let her vent to me, I take care of her, I suggest therapy (LIKE ALL OF MY SISTERS DO) and she just refuses or puts it off because her current therapist isnt the right fit. So now everyones just stressed and all that I soak up and now I'm fucking panicked and shit every god damn day.

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[monmuses]

NEW YEARS REVIEW

     Man... where do I even start with this? Buckle up, this is going to be a long ride to review. I’ve gone through some shit and I am going to be tagging people that I’ve met, but please beware of the following topics I mention:

Depression, Mentions of Suicide, Mental Health, Self-Deprication, Anxiety, and Mentions of Mental Illness

     Alright, now let’s get into this:

     I, so far, have experienced a friendship fallout where I almost lost my best friend, a marriage dispute where I was stuck in the center trying to resolve both sides, being the “mommy” to an emotionally desperate 25-year-old who I only friended for a friendship but was used for his emotional baggage, and witnessing my own friends suffer from callout posts that they DID NOT DESERVE. I’ve had to help myself with my own depression and figure out how to keep going without giving up, but here’s my overall review of the year.

     Around last year’s Christmas, I begun college. I moved across state to Idaho to a college town and being five minutes away walking distance. I packed up all of my things, stored the rest, and ended up there with some roommates. It was actually a pretty nice start! I had high hopes because I finally got to experience independence and I was able to get away from my mom! I was excited and I got to be able to manage things on my own. I loved the snow, I loved the cold, and it was right in the middle of winter. I was so excited and was ready to start!

     Two weeks into my new start, I ended up experiencing THE worst friend drop. A friend who I THOUGHT was close to me and loved to talk Jekyll & Hyde about dropped me. They are notorious for disappearing for two weeks to a MONTH without warning and ghosting me until they felt well enough to say hi. We had so many good talks, I stuck with them and even threw out writing ideas for them when they were stuck. I helped with some character designs and blogs, but in the end? I was the selfish person. In their eyes, I was using them and was only their for artistic talent when I was there to be friends. I shared everything with them but they NEVER told me what was wrong.

     I left on my own terms after one of my other friends was ditched by them without warning and I ended up getting the broken bottle of bitterness straight to the face. I was called a number of names, being told that “they knew I wouldn’t ever be capable of change and that I will always be stubborn”. Needless to say, I suffered. That was the start to my depression.

     @vampyrnacht​ is someone who I consider a really good friend of mine. He was one of the other people that suffered from this in January and it was a situation that started speculation around the end of October. We’ve been constantly talking together and sharing ideas, but he’s just great. I love Milan to death and he’s just really fucking cool.

     Over the course of January all the way to June/July, I experienced moments of major insomnia and self-deprication. I hated how I felt about myself and thought of me as a sponge for people’s emotions. That’s all I was to people and I kept sucking it up wherever I went. I left an awful friend group after a month of joining because the owner was an emotionally-draining piece of shit that needed a mother for a girlfriend to take care of him. He confessed his crush to me a FEW DAYS into knowing him and I felt trapped. I was exhausted and it was in the worst month of the year for me, which was February. It took me the entire month to finally figure out that I did not deserve to deal with this shit. I left and ended up hearing about the worst tantrum he ever experienced from two separate people. Needless to say, I was pretty satisfied with being able to put my foot down.

     However, with all of these situations that have happened, I still suffered from moments of anxiety where I could not eat. I didn’t want to leave my apartment and I didn’t go to half of my classes. It got to a point where I suffered from MAJOR insomnia and didn’t want to sleep because of how shitty I felt about myself. I hated me as a person and I still hate how I am. There’s things about me I hate and I psychoanalyze myself in so many ways to where I find little reason to think I am deserving of anything. I like keeping quiet about most things

     May rolls around and I met @shermphibia when I first started adding canon muses (and was after the start to my second semester of college). Through him, I got to meet a number of LOVELY people. I have to thank Fink for letting me meet so many new folks. If it wasn’t for him? I probably wouldn’t have met so many people and I wouldn’t have the attention my blog has today. Xenophanes wouldn’t be my best muse, and I wouldn’t have made so many friends.

     June hits around, and in some way, I somehow fell in between a major fight. The one in question who started all of it is long gone, but I am still friends with the other person who I think is a very sweet person. Special mention to @th0rneprincess​ for being such a trooper and a genuine sweet person to talk to. I love Zi to death and I hope I get to write with you soon!! And another mention during this is @flyatahighergame​.

     Loke is one of the BEST people I have ever met. I see them as an honest-to-god older sister and she is really, really awesome. One of the toughest and most honest friends too. I love them to death and they are some of the wisest people too. I trust her with my life. She helped me through some of the tightest spots I’ve been in this year and gave me some pretty damn good advice. They singlehandedly helped me with this situation and was the only other sweet voice I could rely on for help.

     Around the end of July, I made it home. Shit happened to where I was punished for a number of things I did due to how poor my mental health was and I managed to get into therapy around September. However, since being home, my mom has been responsible for why I am who I am. Through the Besties Against The Throne server, I also met one of my other closest friends: @resiliency-in-starlight​.

     Usa is THE reason why I got further into South Park and ACTUALLY started writing South Park muses. Years ago, I actually got into the show when I was 14-15 years old (daring and awful, but I only watched clips). She is also why I write Damien and Pip now. I previously added some other muses, but I genuinely love talking to her. I got to know her more over time and she is someone I really consider a close friend that I’ve made this year. I love her to death too.

     Here I am now: It’s after Christmas and I’m typing this, trying to include everybody I can remember before finishing it up. I have gotten better at my writing, I now have a job, and I have hobbies that I continue doing to this day. I’m hoping to go back to college again ONCE I am in a better headspace mentally and can manage things on my own. I’m looking forward to a better year and one that I can survive a little better compared to last year’s.

     Some special mentions to @boriiqua​ @pvachypessa​ @purple-paw-muses​ @smileduponyou​ @bambino-muses​ @pompedia​ @dragcns-den​ @serpentine-rogue​ @aseriouscomedian​ for new friends I’ve made this year (and a few other old friends that made a comeback too) and to everyone else I got to know that I can’t tag right now! I have met a lot of special people this year that have singlehandedly got me to be better than I was before. Thank you to all of you that I got to become moots with this year too. Here’s to a better 2023!

[meg96]

Day 1/7 of fast

I tried to start yesterday but I think mentally I put too much introspection on my plate for it to be successful. I did some laundry today and that was about it, played Neopets and only thought about writing.

Yesterday I had planned to write a journal entry. I am fasting for mental and spiritual reasons, nothing to do with my body or even necessarily physical health. I drank aspartame today which was a mistake. I also had a cup of warm chicken broth with soya sauce, garlic and cayenne. I told my mom and she said come Christmas if they don't stop bombing Palestine she was going to fast, too.

I'm really hoping to have some dreams that help heal me and guide me to right action. I won't go into detail here because it's my intention to make this a safe and happy place this time around. I want to reblog things that bring me joy and peace, which is hard because I'm naturally drawn to darkness and morbidity. I want this to be a simple pleasures kind of blog and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the dark, afraid and sad. I need to curate a mental state that stops me from having nightmares and shaking in bed, and a big part of that is confronting the situation that lays before me. I need to trust in my own heart.

Another part of my fast has not just been going without food, but deleting social media apps for the week and trying to stop using divination to help quell my anxiety. My anxiety is a massive beast that I can't battle, so it's better if I walk away from it, slowly. I need to leave some things to God.

Speaking of God, after many discussions of the Him in Christianity, and then not Him in Buddhism, and paganism with my Muslim friend, I've decided to start reading the Quran. I started yesterday. I'm not very far in but I really like it so far and honestly Islam makes a lot of sense to me. They say the Quran has never been edited or revised unlike the Bible. I can relate to it as someone who was raised Catholic because the Bible is part of the Quran anyway and to me it seems like I could have been Muslim my whole life if I believed in the Bible anyway, though I'm not calling myself a Muslim just yet.

I know I'm trying to cultivate a positive space, but my friend and I were talking about the angel of death in Islam and how three times a day he visits you and three times a day Allah sends him away. And she was telling me Muslims believe at the end of your life you see the angel of death and if you have peace in your heart and are going to Jannah, you feel happy and blissful and die easily. If you have unrighteous anger, sorrow and fear in your heart you will be terrified and your death will not be peaceful. So last night I dreamt I killed myself with my mom sitting next to me and told her I was scared. My body slowly began to rise up and then it crashed back down to the floor as I looked on from outside myself. It was terrifying, it woke me straight up. I don't want to feel like this for much longer. I am trying to have faith but I am human and I am so many things: shameful, scared, regretful, and sad among them.

This reads as a journal entry I guess but it's not particularly honest because I am specifically not discussing some very major events. I am trying to be brave. I wonder if I will always feel like this half a person, knowing I can never show my full face.

Anyway, I'm proud that I'm successful today in my fast and hoping I can continue for the full 7 days. I'm not going to overplan like I did for the first day which set me up for failure. I'm going to play Neopets which gives me a nostalgic happiness and then go to bed now that I've had my comforting broth. Good night internet 🌈

[noctimusprime]

Vent post bc I don't have anywhere else to post it.

Warning for medical gaslighting, mention of pregnancy

I've been dealing with chronic pain since I was 15 largely caused by an accident and not receiving proper medical care (or really any medical care close to the time of the accident) bc my family didn't have insurance since my mom's husband at the time refused to ask for government assistance even tho I've been dealing with a blood flow restricting birthmark in my face that requires medical intervention from time to time.

I stopped receiving the medical intervention when I was 16 bc we moved states and no one in my current state knows what it is or how to go about it medically.

Most recently, I've been medically gaslit about my face, my severe chronic pain, and my hormone issues bc of my weight and my diagnosis of anxiety on my record.

In the months before I found out that I'm pregnant (before March of this year), I'd been dealing with severe pain that limits my mobility, my ability to work, and episodes where my heart rate reaches 200 bpm according to a fitness watch which I know isn't always accurate. I bought my own mobility aids without the assistance of my medicaid and when I showed up to my next doctor's appointment with concerns about my pain getting worse, her only concern was getting me to lose the mobility aids. She prescribed physical therapy that I had already been attending for 3 years, tpi's in my back, and told me to come back when the physical therapy worked. It doesn't. It hasn't and being pregnant has only increased my pain tenfold. The government food assistance I was getting was taken away because my partner apparently makes too much. We've been paying $1100 a month for a STUDIO apartment and we're literally starving despite my partner working 50+ hours a week.

We don't qualify for housing assistance, we can't get help from local churches because we don't technically have a lease since the apartment is an extended stay.

I feel so fucking helpless. My grandmother was supposed to help us with food today but ended up bailing bc there's food boxes in the area. I've already explained that the food boxes that run only run on days and times that my partner is working and I can't lift anything up 2 flights of stairs to our room. I don't have friends that can help me bc my chronic pain and quite honestly my isolating behavior when I'm stressed has either pushed them away or prevented me from making friends bc I rarely leave the house.

I don't blame these people, I really don't. I get that I'm not the best friend and I'm flaky and I'm not always in the best mood so it can be a pain to hang out with me. The friends that I do have live hundreds of miles away and are in the same boat as I am financially.

I'm just tired yall. I'm tired of not being taken seriously by doctors bc of my weight. I'm tired of being made to feel like my limitations are a burden on others when they're a burden on me too.

I'm tired of being nearly bedbound because it hurts too much to even get up and walk the 3 feet to the bathroom. I'm tired of not being able to eat half the shit we can afford bc it triggers my trauma or there's a consistency or taste problem. I'm tired of puking so hard I burst blood vessels in my eyes and no one can figure out why bc my labs are all "normal". I'm tired of every doctor blaming my pain on my weight bc there's nothing wrong with the bones in my spine according to the shitty ER doctors in my area. I'm especially tired that doctors didn't give a shit about me or my health problems until I got pregnant

[tendercoretroglodyke]

having a not good time btw. if anyone even cares 😒

[ukrfeminism]

Nightclub boycotts planned after date rape injections leave women afraid to leave the house

‘It has created a different level of fear for girls in Nottingham and across the UK,’ organiser of club boycott says

Women are “scared” to go out clubbing as police investigate reports of spiking through injection, campaigners have warned.

Nightclub boycotts are planned across UK cities next week as students call for tighter security in nightclubs amid reports of women being attacked with needles.

Police in Nottinghamshire and West Yorkshire have both received reports of spiking with injections. Officers in Scotland are also reportedly investigating alleged incidents.

Zara Owen, 19, toldThe Independent she woke up after a night out in Nottingham last week with a “sharp, agonising pain” in her leg, a limp and no memory after a certain point.

“I said to my mom that my leg was sore. She initially thought I had pulled a muscle or something,” she says. “And my friends were confused as well because they know I didn’t drink much.”

The first-year student at the University of Nottingham says: “I thought maybe I’d been spiked, because it seems horrible to jump to the conclusion but it seemed quite likely.”

The day after, she found a “pinprick” on her leg and pressed it, triggering a shooting pain.

“The main thing that is really terrifying me as well as being spiked is that it was by an injection,” she says. “Naturally, I could be a carrier of HIV or hepatitis if this needle in use was a dirty one.”

She says she gave up waiting in A&E after it took eight hours and is still waiting for her nearest available GP appointment. She says her doctor advised to go to a local sexual health clinic.

Ms Owen says she has been in contact with police.

Students are organising boycotts of nightclubs next week across the UK - including in Nottingham, Edinburgh, Bristol and Exeter - in a call for clubs to do more to tackle spiking at venues, including tighter checks on entry.

“We deserve to have FUN on our nights out,” Edinburgh’s “Girls Night In” campaign posted on Instagram. “It’s not fair that our club experiences are being tainted by the fear, worry and anxiety that we are going to be drugged.”

Organisers of the Girls Night In boycott in Nottingham tell The Independent they first thought stories of women being spiked by injection first appeared as “hearsay” and “like a horror story”.

“Then we heard it happened to people we know and people we can actually put a name and a face to,” Laura*, a third-year student behind the campaign, says.

“I didn’t even think it was a thing,” Frankie*, anothe third-year organising the boycott, tells The Independent, saying she always thought spiking involved putting something in drinks.

“It sort of changed the game a bit, the fact you can be conscious about keeping your drink close. But then you can't really stop someone injecting you,” she says.

“So I think it has created a different level of fear for girls in Nottingham and across the UK. “

Laura tells The Independent she thinks “a lot of people are scared” to go out in Nottingham the current climate.

Frankie adds: “We’re all frustrated that after a year and a half inside and now we can go out, we feel like we’ve been forced to stay inside.”

Nottinghamshire Police is currently investigating reports of individuals suspecting that their drinks have been spiked, Superintendent Kathryn Craner from the force said.

“Linked to this a small number of victims have said that they may have felt a scratching sensation as if someone may have spiked them physically. Consequently, we are actively investigating all these reports,” she said on Tuesday.

Supt Craner said a 20-year-old man has been arrested following a report of an incident in Lower Parliament Street in Nottingham on 16 October. He has been released on bail as investigations continue. “This arrest comes as part of our ongoing investigations into alleged spiking reports in the city,” she said.

Supt Craner added: “We do not believe that these are targeted incidents; they are distinctly different from anything we have seen previously as victims have disclosed a physical scratch type sensation before feeling very unwell. This is subtly different from feelings of intoxication through alcohol according to some victims.”

Meanwhile, West Yorkshire Police toldThe Independent on Tuesday they had received one report of “spiking by injection”. This was reported to have occurred in Leeds City Centre on 13 October.

“We have spoken to the victim about this matter and enquiries are currently ongoing into the incident,” the force said.

Detective Superintendent Paula Bickerdike from West Yorkshire Police said: “We understand the genuine concerns that women have around their safety, particularly in the night-time economy, and we remain absolutely committed to doing everything we can alongside our partner agencies to make the county a safer place for women and girls.”

Police in Scotland are also investigating allegations of spiking by injection in clubs in Glasgow, Stirling, Edinburgh and Dundee, according to media reports. The force has been contacted by The Independent.

The Home Office has been approached for comment.

*Not their real names as did not wish to be identified

[sinclairesimblr]

I'm feeling the need to vent. I would put this under a cut but I'm writing from my phone and it wont let me, sorry and scroll down if you are not interest in late night personal ramblings.

I'm back from my vacation, it was great, I needed it so much, it's been two years since the last time I traveled, and I love the beach, the sea... It's so relaxing.

Anyway, I'm back and I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I want to do and where I need to focus my energy from now on. So, here goes a bit of my story 👀👀

I graduated from uni and received my degree in February of 2020, everyone knows what happenned the next month 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ I couldn't get a job because of the pandemic. On late April I found out I was pregnant, after having a misscarriage in 2019 it was a shock, because I didn't have a job so had no health insurance, I had to attend the public hospital which was full of covid patients, and on that instance we knew nothing about the virus and everything was so scary.

Being in this situation, after losing a pregnancy before and this one being a risk pregnancy I had to be in bed until I was 5-6 months pregnant, and having to be locked down without being able to see anyone from my family or friends was a huge and hard process.

By December when my baby was born my anxiety got the best of me and I couldn't sleep (I think because I couldn't relax fearing something was going to happen to my baby if I was deep asleep). Literally I was not able to sleep, my body wouldn't let me and the amount of stress and the lack of sleep made my brain collapse, I suffered with panic attacks and depression.

After a few months I was better, and "ready" to get on my feet and start looking for a job, but turns out I couldn't get out of my house. I would have anxiety attacks and needed to run back to my house everytime. I was always afraid something would happen to my baby if I was not with her and I couldn't leave her with anyone.

When she was 6 months I had a job interview and I was ready to take the offer, but a few days later we found out I had covid, so that reinforced the idea that if I went out something bad would happen. My daughter, who was only half a year, had severe symptoms for several days and I felt a lot of guilt.

After that, I never got my taste and smell back, as I've said before a lot of things taste awful for me and that has led me to feel depressed for not being able to enjoy food anymore. I was super tired from being a mother and a housewife 24/7 and was not finding the strenght or motivation to do something to change my situation.

It's been 2 years since I received my degree and I haven't been able to start working because I couldn't bring myself to the outside world again.

Playing Sims 4 has been my escape , all these months it kept me busy, motivated and gave me something to work with and feel somewhat useful. But I can't keep running away from my issues... Mostly because we are at a terrible place economically, we won't be able to survive anymore with only my husband's job

Being away these two weeks, travelling for 1200 km, being out, walking around the city, spending entire days at the beach (thanks to my dad who invited us and paid for everything), made me found myself, kind of, and I realized I am ready to go out to the world now, and so I have began searching for a job again. I won't lie, it scares me so much because it's been so long since I've interacted with people outside my family and closest friends... But I have to get my life back.

In any case, this means I won't have the time to play Sims anymore or post, not only because I'm still a mom, but also I have to start studying again since it's been so long I'm afraid I won't be prepared enough when I start working.

I'm sad to leave like this but, real life is calling me and I have to answer. Maybe once I start working and if I find a balance with everything I could come back, but only time will tell.

I also wanted to say Thank you all for being here when I needed the most. With every like or reblog, I felt like I had a purpose here and like I was doing something "productive" instead of feeling I was just wasting time on a game. So thank you so much for making me feel appreciated and not alone!! 🥰

[bluediamonder]

it was a lot more than a hug: an (unintentional) short essay on mental health & steven worm

I LOVED THE HUG OKAY.

I’ve seen a lot of people saying things like “uGh thE eNdiNG sUcKEd geTtiNg a hUG doEsN’T sOLvE aLL yOuR pRoBLeMs”. but in my opinion, that’s exactly the point. 

All throughout the second half of SUF, they’re trying to show us that there is no one way to feel immediately better and have all of your problems solved. He goes to pretty much every source he can. The gems aren’t necessarily seeing what he’s going through, Connie isn’t going to solve this for him, his Dad is helping in an unhelpful way, so he goes to Jasper and that went haywire, so he goes to the diamonds and they just make it worse. And then what is he supposed to do?

Every single time Steven goes to a person to “help” him, he’s going to them seeking help in order to fix it. and there’s a big difference between the two. 

I have anxiety, depression, and OCD, and often when I’m panicking or having moments of high anxiety, I do what Steven did: I seek out people not to help me, but to fix it for me. I then react the same way Steven did - with anger - when people try to help instead of just fixing it.

Anxiety, depression, panic, none of those things can be completely and magically cured and rid of in the snap of a finger. But in the moment, for people like me, for a person like Steven, the thought of that feeling not being entirely solveable is petrifying.

 It’s like if someone is drowning and splashing around: you can’t get the life ring around them because of how much movement and commotion they’re creating. But they’re drowning, so you can’t just tell them “Hey, stop moving so I can help you!” From your perspective, you’re trying to help them by encouraging them to do something that will in turn allow you to help them. But to that person, if they stop flailing, they’re going to sink even further, and that is terrifying, so much so that they can’t even consider that you might be wanting to help them. All they can process is that you told them to stop doing the one thing that they don’t want to do: sink. Even if they’re sinking just for a moment, before you save them, that doesn’t matter. That feeling of sinking is terrifying, so they end up splashing around more. 

When Steven seems to be babbling on, almost comedically, in “Everything is Fine”, trying to convince himself he’s fine, he’s gotten to a stage that I was in for a while, a sort of mania, where he is not only attempting to convince everyone around him that he’s fine, he has convinced himself that he is fine. This is a huge red flag for people with bipolar disorder or manic depression (NOT diagnosing Steven, I am not a professional, I’ve just experienced many of these things and been surrounded by people experiencing these things and professionals explaining them to me. Like I said, I was in the hospital for this, so). Everyone around him starts to see that he is, in fact, not fine, as they’ve already surmised. But the physical consequences of them not doing anything, not doing enough, are starting to manifest.

When he morphs into the Steven Worm, he has lost his sense of self. He doesn’t know what to do with himself, he can’t exist within himself with the world he’s created. He didn’t tell the Gems about the hospital, he didn’t tell his dad he was angry, he didn’t actually tell Connie he needed her he just proposed. He doesn’t know what to DO with all of this. So it explodes around him.

He can’t control his feelings, himself anymore. He feels he’s lost control. For me, a human, this morphs into a panic attack. But for him, he’s a gem, he turns into Steven Worm.

Not even the diamonds, the most powerful beings in the entire Gem universe, are incapable of changing him. His emotions bring White Diamond to her knees. But what they’re doing wrong here is they’re trying to fix him!

When Connie bolts in on Lion and is making her (iconic) rallying cry, she never says they need to fix Steven or heal him; she says they need to help him. Because that’s the only way he can get better.

When you go to the psychiatric hospital, you don’t go to get fixed. You’re in an environment where you’re made so you’re not a physical danger to yourself, and then you do a shit ton of work. You have therapy multiple times a day, every day, all week. You do work, they don’t just fix it for you. And this is the solution that we need to see portrayed. This is the solution they did portray in SUF.

Mental health disorders can’t be fixed. And Steven’s problems weren’t solved with a hug. 

But we needed to see the hug. Because Steven needed to see the hug.

The hug wasn’t just about hugging him. It was about literally forcing him to come face-to-face with the love and support he had been inadvertenly, and then intentionally, pushing away. It forced him to say, “Okay, this is who I am right now. And these people love me.”

I had to have the people in my life tell me over and over that they loved me when I went to the hospital. I had to have my doctors tell me that they cared for me, my therapist tell me that I wasn’t talking too much, because I didn’t believe them. I had convinced myself I wasn’t worthy, I was a fraud, just like Steven. Sometimes you need that love in your face, surrounding you so that it is the only thing you can see, for you to be able to let it in. 

The hug didn’t fix everything! That’s the big thing. The hug was a pure, beautiful moment, but I don’t believe it was meant to be a plot device to try to fix everything. Everyone was still emotional, he still destroyed things, he scared people, he scared himself. That wasn’t all magically fixed because of the hug. But his resolve to do the work, get help, and accept what happened to him - that is what made him go from Worm Steven to Boy Steven.

And afterward, we seen Steven has grown. He hasn’t morphed, his hair hasn’t changed, he’s not pink. But he’s grown mentally. He’s communicating more making plans, his disposition has changed.

Previously on this post, I said" I don’t like that they called what he had a meltdown (again, I vouch that it was a gem version of a panic attack)" However, I learned that this is actually a really good term to describe what Steven experienced, and as a person in my ask box (@a2Ieep) noted, could be relevant to the headcanon/idea that Steven is autistic, or at least autistic-coded, as well as his PTSD or cPTSD. None of us can diagnose Steven but that also means I shouldn't just pass off terminology like that! I realized it gave people who self-identify as autistic, the same feelings it gave me as I struggle with panic and anxiety. While we surmise different meanings from the meltdown, it was a meltdown. We all feel so touched by it, and Steven's meltdown felf like a panic attack to me, that doesn't mean it isn't a meltdown, and that it can't be meaningful to someone else with autism or PTSD. Steven's meltdown is just as meaningful to someone who has autism or PTSD, as it is to me with panic attacks. Erasure of someone else's feelings on my part was not okay, regardless of my intent or my own strength of different feelings. Plus, it was his choice to use that term. I just want to make it clear that at first I didn't like the term, but it is actually a really important term to use. I didn't expect the post to blow up like this, so I wanted to make this edit known and seen as it's a really important of this post. Thank you to everyone for understanding! And thank you to @tentacrocacles @transtistic @satoshigekk0uga @mercurialmeditator @possumpiebruh and @a2leep for sharing their feelings ans thoughts with me, which helped me to realize this and investigate and alter my own sentiments!

but YALL STEVEN HAS A THERAPIST NOW! He’s is not only getting the help that he needs, he is showing that he is going to continue needing this help, and that’s okay! He’s making plans to visit people, to go see the world, on his own terms! 

 He’s scared and sad of leaving the gems, and it’s also time to leave the gems. It’s time to move on, and be a new Steven.

We’ve seen a lot of Stevens the past few weeks. But Steven driving off past the Big Donut into the night was my favorite Steven. That was vulnerable Steven. That was Steven doing the work to be himself, to exist with his feelings and the ways he had acted, and the things he had gone through. That was my boy. Steven Universe.

When I saw my mom for the first time while I was in the hospital, the first thing she did was give me a big hug (I was a blubbering mess, of course). But it wasn’t just that my mom was giving me a hug. She was telling me she was there for me, she loved me, she was telling me she would stay up on the phone with me as long as the doctors would let me, she would drive 3 1/2 hours from our home in Michigan to the hospital in Ohio at a moments notice (I went to school in Ohio and went to the hospital there too before coming home). That hug was her forcing me to see that she was there for me, even if I didn’t believe it, or didn’t want to believe it.

So yeah, Steven got a hug. But it was a lot more than a hug, okay? Take my word for it

[honeys-serot0nin]

I hope you know that I hate you

You said you have met someone new and have not even argued with them in two years. I find that laughable. I know it isn't true. But I do have a few questions for your very-believable girlfriend:

Does she know that you're a narcissist?

Does she know you will gaslight her daily?

Does she know she will endure mental, emotional, verbal, physical, financial, and psychological abuse from you throughout your two-year relationship?

Does she know that when you convince her to move in with you, hundreds of miles away from her friends and family, you will show your true colors the very first week of living together?

Does she know when you convince her to have sex, and she says no, you will become enraged and convince her that you two are not capable anymore?

Does she know in order to have sex with you, she will have to drink because it is unenjoyable to her, and she is only doing it so you will stop begging?

Does she know you enjoy pointing guns at your head when you're mad at her?

Does she know that the gun isn't loaded but you will convince her that it is?

Does she know that when she informs you that she's aware the gun isn't loaded, you will become filled with rage and begin to break things and destroy your home?

Does she know you like to threaten suicide regularly when you argue?

Does she know you have the strength to rip a door off the hinges?

Does she know you will have to use the laundry room door as your bedroom door because you did, in fact, rip the bedroom door off the hinges?

Does she know you will rip the hub caps off her car, shatter her wooden side table, and snap her laptop in half?

Does she know you enjoy embarrassing her and verbally attacking her Infront of your friends and family?

Does she know if you apologize and are not forgiven right away, you will become filled with rage yet again, only to verbally attack her some more?

Does she know you will try and convince her that your friends and family don't like her?

Does she know you'll try to warp her reality to have her believe that she is in fact the abusive one?

Does she know you'll trap her in your apartment and tell her the only way she can leave is if she physically pushes through you but if she does then you will call the cops?

Does she know that when she finally gets away from you, you will call the cops and convince her that the cops were on your side?

Does she know that you didn't actually call the cops, you were just saying that to scare her some more?

Does she know that you will snap her car key in half and take her phone away from her?

Does she know you'll convince her that everyone in your inner circle thinks she's a whore and a slut?

Does she know that when she plans to leave you, you will use triangulation against her and show up to her friend's workplaces and pretend you're a broken-hearted man?

Does she know that when she moves in with a friend to finally be free and safe from you, that friend is secretly communicating with you and letting you know her whereabouts and putting her in harm's way?

Does she know her friends and family will be worried about her health and safety?

Does she know she will lose all her friends because your triangulation is too toxic for them?

Does she know all the abuse will make her crumble?

Does she know the abuse from you will develop insecurity issues, anxiety, and depression for her?

Does she know you will disguise your physical abuse as humor in front of your friends?

Does she know you will convince her that you are depressed and have anxiety and that is the reason you're acting, and treating her this way?

Does she know she will call your mom, her mom, and her friends nightly, crying about the abuse she is experiencing with you?

Does she know that she will have to file a domestic violence charge against you?

Does she know that cops will show up to your apartment to remove every weapon and you will blame her for it?

Does she know her friends and family will start to see how you are treating her, but they are too afraid to speak up for fear of you hurting her?

Does she know you will threaten a long and drawn-out divorce and will have her former friends/coworkers/acquaintances testify against her?

Does she know that you're full of it and are not capable of doing that because her friends have finally realized that you're insane?

Does she know your mom will call her often to deliver bad news only for the fear of you taking it out on her if you are given the bad news first?

Does she know your friends are toxic and also treat their girlfriends/wives like shit?

Does she know when she finally gives you the reaction you're looking for, you will call her crazy?

Does she know you will blame her for every negative reaction and convince her that she made you react that way?

Does she know you will convince your next girlfriend that she was the abusive one?

Does she know she will receive a phone call from you, saying you slept with another women during your separation period?

Does she know she is already so numb that the news of your rendezvous won't phase her?

Does she know you will never own up to your behavior because you're ashamed of it but do not want anyone to think you're capable of such things?

Does she know you're a fraud?

Does she know you're a coward?

Does she know you are borderline insane and need to be medicated?

Does she know you're not anything that a real man should be?

Does she know that this is going to be the worst relationship she's ever been in?

Does she know after another fight, she will go to a bar with her new friends and meet someone new who will save her and truly love her?

Does she know this man is going to change her world?

Does she know she'll be okay with this new man?

Does she know after meeting this man, and falling in love at first sight, she will return to your shared apartment and finally tell you that she is leaving you?

Does she know you will cry like a little bitch after receiving this news?

Does she know you will file a no-contact order against him, but it won't stop her from being with him?

Does she know that you will convince her that she was the one who cheated even though you admitted to sleeping with another women?

Does she know you're only saying this to her because you're trying to clear your own consequence by convincing yourself that you had a reason for abusing her because she allegedly cheated in the end?

Does she know you will threaten physical violence against him if you see him out in public?

Does she know you have never been in a fight in your life and are once again, saying that to scare her?

Does she know this will be a healthy and beautiful relationship with her new man?

Does she know this man will have to build her from the ground up because you destroyed her?

Does she know her new man has a loving and welcoming family?

Does she know you will go into hiding for three years to drag out the divorce?

Does she know that she doesn't care because she has the love of her life regardless?

Does she know she will blossom, flourish, and become the women she was meant to be because of him?

Does she know every woman who walks into your life will be another victim?

Does she know you're a motherfucker?

Does she know, Vin?

[weaselle]

I love Badger 😭 he looks like he's at least part husky and I've heard they're very hard to train. It sounds like you have experience training dogs, has training with him been harder or different than with other dogs?

oh my goodness, what a great question - He IS mostly husky, well, actually he's an Alaskan Klee Kai which is a registered breed of their own, but they exist because in the 1980's a Siberian Husky breeder in Alaska had to move homes and subsequently decided she wanted an apartment-sized husky.

So she made some.

Because she was a professional breeder, she crafted the Klee Kais carefully, not by simply inbreeding the smallest huskies. To bring the size down, she used two other spitz dog breeds - the Belgian Schiperke

and an American Eskimo Dog (basically the same breed as a German Spitz but re-named and then americanized during WWII)

The result was three sizes of mostly husky and she called them Alaskan Klee Kais

now the thing is, not only did she choose these breeds based on compatible genetics (no overlapping health problems, etc) but also for complimentary personality traits

all of which is to say, a few of the husky traits were given a patch, which does make Badger a better dog for what I want than a full Husky would be, training wise.

The german spitz, in particular, were popular as circus dogs because they are anxious to please their people, which shows as a noticeable difference in the behavior and trainability between a Klee Kai and a true Siberian Husky.

For instance a Husky will very likely get out and wander miles (and MILES) from home if given half a chance, whereas when we had a week long reason to lock Badger in the back yard when leaving him home, he promptly proved to us that he could have been getting out anytime he wanted by escaping the back yard in a series of different ways so he could walk around and break back into the front yard where he was used to being. A husky that gets out is almost certainly going to go adventuring. I saw a video of one guy's husky jogged 15 miles to the pet store and broke in to steal a chew bone. I know for a fact Badger is capable of that exact adventure, but he'd rather be wherever I am, or at least home where he knows i'll come back.

That said, the original AKK breeder started the breed from a place of Siberian Husky love, and there is plenty of Husky shining through; I always have plenty to talk about with other husky owners.

Of course the Klee Kai breed has their own issues, like all dogs, but if, like me, you do your research and then look up a couple Klee Kai meet up groups in your area like the one in that last pic, and then go meet a bunch of Klee Kais and their owners and ask about issues and get some quality time with a diversity of Klee Kais, you can plan what to correct for during puppyhood.

Such as getting them a LOT of socialization because they can easily become nervous, suspicious dogs. Or knowing from day one that there is probably going to be a good amount of separation anxiety if you leave them home alone which will have to be worked through if you want both of you to be comfortable with you leaving them home alone.

To answer your question, I think the over-all experience of owning and training a Klee Kai versus a Husky is easier in some ways, and harder in other ways, with a lot of overlap in the middle. For example, including regular running multiple miles at a time, several times a week has had an important positive impact for Badger, just as it would for a Husky.

I suspect I've had more separation anxiety issues and less prey drive issues, but both of those things exist in both breeds, and when Huskies get separation anxiety they are more prone to destroy your home about it than AKKs are. And Badger's mom at ten years old did run out into the night and murder a possum one evening. All 18 pounds of her. She was veeeery smug about it too. So.

Meanwhile AKKs are more likely to decide they hate every single ____ for like, no reason. It could be whatever, every pigeon, every bull dog, every shiny garbage can, every umbrella, anything, but Huskies are more likely to bully others by insisting on "playing" with a dog that clearly wants to be left alone.

But just in terms of being trainable? I'd say on average, yes, AKKs rate high for trainability are probably more trainable than Siberian Huskies. Easily as trainable as my Labrador growing up, and in some ways easier than a too-smart dog like an Aussie.

For me, personally, Badger is exactly the right dog. He has a great personality for our lifestyle, and he's even a little bigger than the biggest klee kai is supposed to be, just like I was hoping.

I'm not sure I'd get a Klee Kai again tho, because I truly feel I lucked out with him and got a one-in-a-million example of the breed.