#and another one with elliot and a guy i created specifically for that story

[malkaviian]

i hate the weird spot i have been when it comes about writing for the past months

[thefirsthogokage]

Ok, watched Organized Crime 1.05, and I have some thoughts. Don't know if anyone else has had these thoughts as well since I was trying to be good and not look for spoilers.

Spoilers Below

(I can't do cuts on mobile, sorry)

For the EO shippers who were probably pissed about Elliot "having feelings" for Angela, don't worry too much. I mean yeah, there was that ending, so you might not be worried about their future, but...well, just, "walk" with me here for a second.

Elliot kissed her, yes, but did you notice his face when he left? There wasn't a hint of surprise or shock, meaning he knew what he was doing. He sighed in relief; he had gotten his task done (one Elliot wasn't too fond of, to be sure). If he really felt himself having feelings for her this shortly after his wife's murder, he wouldn't have been that solid, he would have been upset with himself. He definitely wasn't. Meloni is too good of an actor to not have played all that deliberately the way he did with his facial expressions (the sigh was likely scripted, though, those things tend to be).

And as @ksuew who was watching with me pointed out, the music felt indicative of not what it seemed on the surface, too. But I didn't even think about the music until she pointed it and then I asked her what her take on it was (after we already discussed that he's playing Angela):

"I think on the side of him playing her. But could also just indicate “danger”. But I feel like that trill would have been before he saw her instead of as he was leaving if it just meant danger."

I completely agree. And I that kind of music felt like the kind you would hear in other shows and movies that plays when a plan - specifically one of manipulation - is in motion.

And you know what, Elliot really does look better after that scene. Liv says so too. He's more stable, not on edge looking; I think it's because he knows he has Angela hooked. He's got an upper hand. He's got something Wheatley doesn't have. He was able to get stability back because he has his claws hooked into something close to the inside of everything going on: Angela. It's a dangerous game with how he interacts with her the rest of the episode, basically kind of trying to push her away, in a way that might have caused her to say, "you're right, we need to stop." But Elliot has placed himself in precarious positions before. And maybe he does kind of like her, does feel a connection with her because of what she's been through too, but he is still playing her. He really did get lucky though because she kept pushing. His way in could have died right there if she wasn't wanting it so bad. And you would think, he wouldn't be dumb enough to actually fully get involved with someone so close to the guy he thinks had his wife killed. And yet, he asked her out? Why? Because he was planning on playing her.

Another reason I feel strongly he could be playing her, in this video (at somepoint, I watched it yesterday so I don't remember when in the video it comes up and I'm not going to watch it again) Chris talks about how Stabler and Wheatley are mirrors of each other and are very much alike (if I'm remembering what he said correctly). And Wheatley plays people, and this interview feels like it could help foreshadow that we'll find out Elliot is capable of that too.

Aside from all the character, music, and interview analysis, you could also think about it from a writing perspective. Think about how long-form stories and mysteries are told nowadays: with twists. The more twists the better, some people think. Them saying Angela was the one who ordered the hit? That's (supposed to be*) a twist. But to make a "good" mystery nowadays, you need more than one twist. Elliot was going in to play her? Another twist. Elliot being nice, even soft to her in the teaser for next week when accusing her of his wife's murder? He's still trying to get something else from her.

*(I say "supposed to be" because I called this to @ksuew last episode after we talked about this whole romantic vibe between her and Elliot and she got suspicious and I was like, "so, you think she killed Kathy for some reason?" and then I decided that was probably the answer based on like two lines of another theory I saw on here somewhere that felt like spoilers because it made sense, and I'm not going to spoil anyone on that theory because I wouldn't have wanted the spoilers (I read those two sentences because I didn't think it would be good. Sorry to that person, I just didn't expect watchers of this show to come up with something like that.)) - On second thought, there could also be another twist here too, and maybe she wasn't the only one responsible for Kathy's, or maybe she even isn't at all, or maybe she's still more involved in everything. Not sure.

Elliot was playing her. He didn't expect her to be in on Kathy's murder though. He thought she'd help lead him to Wheatley and take him down for her murder.

Now, before anyone gets upset that this is delaying Elliot and Olivia getting together, two things:

One, they did not get Chris Meloni to come back to Law & Order just to play a love interest. Do you really think the guy who went off and explored new things in acting and the industry for the last decade would really come back after a bad parting solely to be a supporting character in someone else's story? Really? You think he'd do that? No way.

This goes hand-in-hand/overlaps with the second thing: this is Chris's show. It isn't an extension of Mariska's show, or something else to solely tell Olivia's story, this is Chris's own show. He needs his own work to do and his own story to tell, one with Stabler's own storyline. And people need to respect that. This isn't just creating drama to keep Elliot and Olivia apart, this is giving Chris his own story that, while it can connect Elliot and Olivia at times, it is his and needs to allow him to stand on his own. They are making sure to start with his separate story. Mariska and Olivia got that for 10 years. It's his turn to do things with Stabler away from Olivia for a while and in the mean time things are being kept interesting for fans via the crossovers. And as Mariska said, 'you don't usually get the chance to stay on your own show while it becomes a completely different show.' (or something very similar) This is Chris's chance to get that with Elliot.

So, yes, I think we will get EO. No, I don't think we have serious feelings to worry about between Elliot and Angela or anyone else. But yes, it could take a while because you have to remember here, this show is Chris's, not Chris and Mariska's. It's not being made solely to get Elliot and Olivia together, it's something for Chris to do as an actor. Again, let him stand on his own with his own story like Mariska got the chance to for a decade.

[dharmadischarge]

Top 5 Novels: or it gets dark around here early.

So now I am trying to say something. That is all. No, that will not do at all... Here is a list of my top 5 novels, with one short review and four long ones.

1, Jim Dodge - Stone Junction. Reading Stone Junction by Jim Dodge is like meeting the father you never had

2, Thomas Pynchon - Gravity's Rainbow Subtlety is overrated... and just because you have a boner doesn't mean you're a terrorist. I mean, it doesn't mean you're not causing those rockets to come from the sky. But, still, that is beside the point.

For me, this book is about obliterating the arbitrary distinction between high and low culture. The ironically arbitrary distinction between good and evil and the dangerously subtle distinction between despondency and hope.

Fractured, layered, elusive, you could accuse Pynchon of all these things.

The way characters bleed into one another to make one voice. A hellish symphony of discordant cries of pain reaching out to a belief that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and paranoia is the glue.

Also, it is funny. Like in a dumb way and there are songs. Also, dumb.

Everyone will talk about how polarising this book is but I don't believe it. you can follow the bouncing ball and sing along or live in fear that at any moment the terror will become real and you will collapse into ellipsis...

It is the third and newer testament. An epilogue to western culture as racist cultural energy written by a crazy white guy. T.S. Elliot and his wasteland were a prelude, in hindsight, nothing but a john the baptist-like figure for the cross that Pynchon presents to all readers as their burden to carry with this book.

Hope is crazy painful, consciousness is such a fragile thing and the burden of consciousness is the pain of knowing that (beyond the act of effort itself) it is a futile one.

Jim Dodge once said, "a stone falls till it hits the earth, transcend what?" and that about sums it up.

3, Cormac McCarthy - Blood Meridian.

Blood Meridian is a kind of repetitious, primeval-hillbilly level of primitive interpretation of the morality expressed in the book of revelation fighting its way onto the page as barely literate poetry.

It is not a book of social niceties, justice, or the warm feeling you get when you do something good. also, this book could also easily be seen as porn for serial killers.

I scanned the reviews and saw all the campy (and not the good kind of campy) parodies this kind of book inspires in the age of irony we live in (though it seems like it is on its last legs). And while I like me a good parody, I find that Eli Cash did it better.

There is something to be said about how Cormac McCarthy (ab)uses the English language. The one good line I read from one of the negative reviews of his books was that a middle schooler could list what he doesn't like about the kids who bully him and that this list would have more emotional nuance and better use of punctuation than a Cormac McCarthy novel. This is fair.

The conceptional power of Blood Meridian though is that it frames cruelty and violence for what it is: reality. While also through its sometimes monotonous exaggeration of William Faulkners styled repetitions it creates a sense of unreality. A sense that like David Lynch's best work that we are walking, daily, through something so evil and violent that it borders on slapstick, and at last we laugh in self-defense.

I think the people who parody the book without much thought got trapt in the intellectual self-defense state that is part of coping and couldn't see the forest for the trees.

Civilization is a fragile thing, it is the human race trying to domesticate itself, and the longer it goes on the more it seems like we're just sweeping what we don't like under the rug.

4, John Crowley - Little, Big.

There is a kind of hokey-Americana style kitsch that most of my favorite writers could be accused of, from, Tom Robbins to Jim Dodge. John Crowley may be the peak of it. It could be because on the surface Americans don't have a unified culture we are a melting pot with capitalism only encouraging the lowest common denominator (the pursuit of greed as its own reward).

But in any creative act that does not presume to be the literal expression of anything but pure gratitude, there is politics. The politics of worth, of greatness, inherent value, and the desire to prove that the wisdom offered was truly earned. That a difficult pleasure does not mean that there is none.

This is an American fairytale. A once upon a time that seems eerily to remind of another Crowley, that codesigned the deck of Thoth tarot cards (A really good one for those curious) more than the writers of magical realism. And probably because I didn't read this in translation I preferred it to a hundred years of solitude. This may seem random to people of the fantasy crowd who know that genre is only a limitation to artistic merit if you want it to be (usually for cultural-political reasons). but people often compare this book to Gabriel Garcia Marquez's writing. And while they are both family chronicles with supernatural elements. this is kind of a shallow comparison.

Crowley's work is more in the tradition of an occult mystic, and Gabo is more a romantic using personal folklore as the vocabulary of that romantic expression (of which I think love in the time of cholera, is his masterpiece).

I am trying to not give away any spoilers, or even talk about specifics at all. but the ending is worth it. Like most things in life, it's your journey to go on so I won't ruin it for you, but they are out there waiting for you, where the lights never go out.

5, Neil Gaiman - The Ocean at the End of the Lane.

"words save our live's sometimes"

I was a frustrated borderline feral child, who could not deal with reality. My parents taught me how to read and not much else. I was homeschooled and weighed three hundred pounds by the time I was thirteen. I remember one night unable to deal with any more abuse that I laid down and decided my dreams would have to be enough, I close my eyes and went away for a long time. Lettie Hempstock's ocean is real to me I almost drowned in it.

When I was a teenager the cult-like fundamentalist atmosphere of my home life became less extreme, but the damage was done. I was still in the ocean. it says something about my state of mind that the closest I came to getting traction on reality was starting a habit of reading insistently, my favorite book was Stardust by Neil Gaiman.

Once on Twitter, I told him "thank you" for writing it. I later after reading this book I wrote a short review of this book and sent it to him. He said "thank you" to me in a @ mention. It was nice. I later @ mentioned him in a playfully sarcastic way and he deleted his original comment.

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was twenty-four or twenty-five. I have been told I had childhood-onset schizophrenia. I have been told I milk it. I have been told that I self isolate.

I have been writing reviews tonight, going through my favorite books, and just live streaming my mind. Thinking about how they made me feel and what they make me think. Neil Gaiman's work always makes my brain retreat on itself. Possibly because of stardust. But more than that it is the wisdom he has. He knows that stories are true in a way that transcends a mere list of facts. communicating for those with an ear to listen that there is more than what we know, there is more than our understanding, there is more than us. More than you, more than me. There is an ocean that is healing for some while necessarily absent for others.

We forget, and we remember. Each other and ourselves. Cruelty and innocence. But there is an ocean and it is Lettie Hempstock's.

[wherethesunsails]

ok now im rlly curious what are all ur spotify playlists?

....... I have So Many Spotify playlists and I just updated them all with covers too so the covers of my spotify playlists all have a similar vibe! ok so alphabetically

........... - just a bunch of kind of shouty angry sort of songs good for angsting

3.17.19 - this is a date playlist, the only one of its kind, I hung out with an old friend a while ago and this playlist is just a bunch of songs we listened to that night it was a good time :)

<3 autumn mixtape - this is that autumn mixtape i made for you forever ago great fall vibes

a six song study playlist - what’s on the tin i have a million study playlists

ajr - it’s just. all ajr songs

bonfire vibes - these are just all songs that give me bonfire vibes yanno

bops - this started out as just harry styles ajr and jon bellion but it’s got more variety in it now it’s got a lot of bangers

chill bops ‘19 - a bunch of just hanging out music from like the end of 2018/beginning of 2019

chill bops ‘20 - same as before just with a more refined music taste

chill driving ‘19 - it is not fun to describe these playlists because i designed the titles to be self explanatory

christmas - there’s a lot of michael buble in here

classic bonfire tunes - bonfire vibes but with a vintage vibe

classics - ummm it’s like sixties and seventies stuff?

coffee shop ‘19 - like if you were sitting in a coffee shop this would be playing

coffee shop ‘18 - same as before but more dedicated to the vibes less dedicated to the music taste

colton - so. this one is self explanatory (if it’s a name playlist it’s songs that remind me of people)

concerning hobbits - lord of the rings vibes

consider this... - i made this playlist to make tinder boys think i was interested in love

cross-country roadtrip - these are all songs by netherfriends that are named after cities and states

crushes - a specific song that reminds me of a specific crush (feat. you, clark, my ex, .... base unit josh?, uhhhh ethan?, emma, hannah, and colton)(lmao why isn’t david in there oh he might be the ymca not josh. unsure)

disney - again... what it says on the tin. I miss that ao3 tag where did it go

driving masterlist - if a playlist has driving or roadtrip in the title its songs go here

driving with dad - my dad has a weird ass taste in music idk what to say here

elliot - uh so this one is songs that remind me of you lmao

falling in love - just like. falling in love vibes yanno

falseheteros+ - this is the highlights of falsettos, legally blonde, beetlejuice, and book of mormon

feeling some sort of way - uh like. yearning vibes?

get back into pop punk - this was previously titled ‘why are you getting back into pop punk you freak’ and i think that was really funny but i made it public so

ghost songs - this is just like. the ghost duet and the ghost choir

girl in red - it’s girl in red songs.

halloween - spoopy vibes

hannah - again. name playlist

highlights of my music taste - this was also created to impress people from tinder i havent utilized either of them yet

hozier - . it’s hozier songs.

hype - this is a new playlist it’s kind of rap and various tiktok songs all of ppcocaine’s songs are on here

jon bellion - love this man’s music

jon bellion, rex orange county+ - rex orange county and jon bellion both have respectable bangers so. yanno

keiynan lonsdale - i love this guy incredible music

kendall - it’s. kendall songs.

kentucky soundtrack - this is my christian music masterlist for when i go on a missions trip

khalid - he has bangers what can i say

leon bridges - this guy’s vibes are immaculate

lily james - yeah so i’m incredible gay for this woman

lofi - there’s not a lot here but these are bangers

love story soundtrack - i think i made this to get me in the mood for writing/reading romance

mamma mia - i love this musical so much i have no explanation you don’t need one

mandy patinkin highlights - this is just the songs i like from evita

meme songs - i’m pretty sure if you listen to this playlist you’ll be rickrolled

mr pence’s summer camp - lmao these are queer songs/artists

mutuals roadtrip - oh yeah i made this collaborative i’ll link it so y’all can like. add to it

new stuff - songs i’ve discovered and i’m trying to learn

panic! at the disco - just bangers from mr brendan urie

paper due soon - uh so this is a playlist based on the theory that if you’re writing a last minute paper and you put on boss music from a video game you’ll write faster so this is undertale boss music lmaO

post-basketball aux - parent approved tunes for long drives home

preshow hype - :’-/ this playlist isn’t gonnna get used anymore probably because it was music to get us hyped before plays and i’m not in those at school anymore rip

queen - i love freddie mercury end of discussion

rat pack vibes - this is like. sinatra and bing crosby and the like

rex orange county bops - i love that guy he makes good music

ritters after close - this is all. terrible music. very naughty. meant to be played when there aren’t customers to offend

roadtrip ‘20 - the goal is to feel like you’re looking moodily out the car window in a coming of age movie

roadtrip soundtrack ‘18 - same hat

S- sexy - uh this just has drunk in love by beyonce on it because i think it’s a sexy song

sam - this one goes out to my friend who i kind of had a crush on and then he started dating one of my best friends from school and then i wasn’t allowed to be friends with him anymore and she hates me :)

savanna - i miss sav she was a blast. it’s a lot of mlp

seventies - decade playlist

she dates boys - uh. it’s a sdb vibes playlist

sixites - decade playlist

soft boy epidemic - if i remember right this is just ben platt

soul - wh- what it says on the tin

studying - self explanatory

summer ‘18 - summer vibes

summer of ‘19 - this one is songs that make me think of last summer i miss last summer so fucking much

summer roadtrip ‘18 - uh this is just all of the summer ‘18 and roadtrip ‘18 playlists combined

theatre - musical songs, a lot of abba on here, the entire soundtrack of hamilton

theatre 2.0 - more songs to belt on here than the last one

theatre kids during quarantine be like - i’m sick of this playlist now but it slapped at the beginning of quarantine

throwback - this is like. ‘00s-’10s bangers

tiktok bops - only the elite songs lmao

to nobody - uh this is another playlist i made for you lmao

upbeat driving ‘19 - bangers

veggietales - i needed a veggietales playlist, very useful for church functions and for being seen as a child

weird mix but okay - uh yeah this is like jon bellion and classic rock lmao

wuhluhwuh - i didn’t wanna put wlw in case some family found this playlist and knew what it meant lmao

yearning - just gay shit dude. that’s it

made you a mixtape (it has heart emojis around it) - yeah this is a playlist i made for you too

and there you have it that’s all of them! if you wanna listen to the playlists or even just check out the sick cover images i used my spotify is here!

[xmxisxforxmaybe]

Decryption_Error: “The Server Room, Part I”

Summary: Elliot is locked in the server room by a few of his colleagues to stop him from ruining their Memorial Day weekend. Y/N, Elliot’s manager, finds him and comes up with a solution to fix the broken servers, but because of Elliot’s injuries and his refusal to go to a hospital, Y/N makes him stay at her place for the long weekend. As Elliot and Y/N bond for the first time outside of work, something a little more than friendship starts to emerge.

Summary/Mood Board

Word Count: 5800

Disclaimer: I know 0 things about technology and want to cry real tears for making my narrator Elliot’s boss. I sincerely apologize to anyone I offend for my whack tech references--please let me know if you need me to fix something because it’s awful and I will credit you for saving me some embarrassment!

Tags: @sherlollydramoine @rami-malek-trash @teamwolf2411 @thingsfandom @limabein @lovie-rami @txmel @hopplessdreamer @ouatlovr

Warnings: Physical injuries/blood, language, **=heavily paraphrased from a monologue on Robot

Author’s Note: I won’t be able to update this story as quickly as Remnants because my life is about to get crazy busy. However, I will do my best so y’all don’t lose interest : ) Special shoutout to @alottanothing for helping me get this story organized and underway! Thanks for being my cheerleader 💕

For fuck’s sake! I thought as I changed out of my swimsuit and into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, shoving my still wet feet into a pair of sandals.  

I had made it to my family’s place for Memorial Day weekend for the first time in years only to be called back to work because something happened to the servers. My boss, Miles, was out of town like everyone else in the goddamn city, and he trusted me as the Senior Manager to handle the situation.

CIStech Cybersecurity had been my life for the past four years. Starting as an Analyst really fostered my affinity for data and subsequently put me on the fast-track to become management. I liked working hard, and when I first started at CIStech, I would be mystified when I realized it was 10 pm, everyone had gone home, and I had skipped dinner (again) because I was 5,000 clicks deep into testing a contingency plan I created for scenario 11/1,000 in the event of a security breach.

My relationship with my job was complex--I knew I worked too much, but I needed those long days to help quell my anxiety; data gave me a focus and helped me make sense of a world that seemed to be drifting further and further into shades of grey, a place where evil and good barely served as separate entities anymore.

This long weekend was an important test for me—I needed to prove to myself that I could step away from the office and the world wouldn’t end, nor would my mental stability. 

Except that I did step away from the office and the world did end—sort of. So much for convincing my brain that taking time off was a good thing.

For the first three quarters of the drive into the city, I had gone over about 30 scenarios in my mind and just as I was about to drive myself crazy, I shook my head and cranked up the music. There was only so much I could mentally prep for until I knew whether the problem was physical or within the network.

Because everyone in the city had fled to escape the rising humidity, I was able to park on a side street about a half of a block from work. I swiped my badge to get into the lobby of CNC Precision Machining, our host company, then said a quick hello to the head of night security, Lance. I swiped my badge again to activate the elevator, and as I rode up to the 18th floor, my anxiety curled into a lead ball and made itself at home in my stomach. Something did not feel right, and I almost, almost went back downstairs to ask Lance to radio a guard.

But, how often do we actually act on our anxiousness? For me, I had to talk myself out of so many horrors a day that I always felt silly when I gave in to whatever idea had made itself at home in my mind.

I talked myself down, thinking, It’s almost 11 pm, and all I have to do is check the servers. Maybe one of the fans broke. Maybe a plug fell out. I can fix it and still get back to Mom and Dad’s by 2.

Once again, I swiped my badge. I entered CIStech’s wing, but as I opened the door to the cybersecurity offices and turned to deactivate the alarm, I saw it had never been set. My mouth fell open, and again the idea of turning back flitted through my mind, except being pissed overtook my apprehension.  

Whoever was the last to leave was getting a letter of reprimand. Sure, the building itself was secure, but to not set the alarm in a company’s tech security office? Inexcusable.

Since I was now fuming, the unset alarm compounding with my ire over my ruined start to the weekend, I grumbled away my nagging thoughts as I quickly walked to the server room, swiped my badge and scanned my fingerprint to open the door.

The harsh lights were on an automatic switch, so they popped to life as I stepped a few inches into the room; however, the crunch of plastic and the popping of glass made me stop, one foot poised in the air as I looked down to see what I stepped on.

The remnants of a server, or more than one server, were littered across the ground, and as I scanned for the source of the damage, the last thing I expected to find was a body. Immediately, my mind wondered if this was a trap, and then I wondered if the body was even alive.

My voice emitted a sort of strangled groan which caused the body on the floor to move—and when I saw that it wasn’t just a random body, my heart sank.

It was Elliot, my employee and my friend. 

***Eight Months Ago***

“Next up is Elliot Alderson. Recent grad. Bachelor’s in Computer Engineering from Stevens Institute of Tech. This is the guy with the impressive skill set, knowledgeable in everything we use. His portfolio backs it up, too.”

“Mmm, I remember reading through it and thinking if even half of it is legit, he’s smarter than everyone in that room put together,” Colin said, gesturing in the direction of the office floor.

“I tested his work on the headless Raspberry PI he sent with his portfolio—worked like a charm.”

“That could save us a lot of headaches,” JaLeah said, clicking through the description in Elliot’s portfolio again.

“Did you notice how streamlined his portfolio is? It’s masterfully organized and aesthetically pleasing,” I said, leaning over to look at JaLeah’s screen.

She hummed in agreement.

“Jayne? Bring in Mr. Alderson, please,” I said as I pressed the button on the wireless intercom.

At CIStech, we strived to maintain a comfortable atmosphere. Instead of a panel of interviewers, it was just myself and my two Supervisors. Instead of interviewing in our board room, we interviewed in my office, the three of us seated at a round table so when the applicant joined us, they felt less on-the-spot.

However, when Elliot Alderson walked in the room, his unease was so palpable I doubted anything would alleviate his nervousness.

“Mr. Alderson,” Colin began, extending his hand. “I’m Colin Greene, Supervisor.

Elliot paused long enough for me to give him a onceover, and peripherally, I saw JaLeah do the same.

“I’m Y/N Y/L/N, Senior Manager,” I said, shaking Elliot’s hand, his grip light as if the last thing he wanted to do in the world was touch me.

As JaLeah introduced herself, I took another quick inventory of Elliot Alderson. He was dressed well, although in clothes that were a bit too big on his small frame. His haircut, however, was immaculate, cut in a close fade on the sides with a mop of styled black hair on top.

His big, greyish eyes were moving around the room as if he were searching for the exit; and then, suddenly they stopped. It was like he reminded himself to pick a spot and focus.

“Go ahead and take a seat,” JaLeah said, sliding over the piece of paper that listed our interview questions.

As Elliot pulled out the chair and settled in, I explained what would happen during the interview, the goal to once again ease the nerves of the applicant. 

“So, Mr. Alderson, I’m going to explain the process for this interview. First, we will give you a few minutes to read over the questions on the paper in front of you. When you are ready, let us know and we will take turns asking those questions. Once the Q&A portion is complete, we will connect our laptops to the one right here via RDP, and we will ask you to complete a specific task. Any questions so far?”

Elliot shook his head no.

“Excellent. Please take a few minutes to read over the questions, feel free to jot down notes in the spaces provided, then let us know when you are ready to begin,” I explained, ending with a smile.

Elliot did not return my smile; instead, his eyes dropped to the interview questions. As I watched him scan the paper, I had to remind myself not to stare. There was something about him that drew me in. His eyes were unlike any I had ever seen, and I couldn’t stop thinking about that damn, overquoted line from one of Walt Whitman’s poems: “I contain multitudes.”

Looking at Elliot, it was clear he contained depths, and I wanted to know everything there was to know about him. I could count on one hand the number of times I felt so immediately intrigued by another person.

After a minute or two, Elliot looked up, his eyes flickering between the three of us, and said, “Okay.”

Colin began, asking Elliot to tell us about his schooling and his professional experience.

Elliot answered carefully, reciting his academic and professional history. His voice was deep, a soothing monotone that was more like a raspy rattle than a melodious note.

“Thank you,” I said once he had finished speaking. “Question two asks about the steps you would take to secure a server. Walk us through that process, please.”  

Once again, Elliot’s answer was correct and succinct.

“To secure a server, you use the SSL protocol for data encryption and decryption. Establish a secure password for your root and administrative users. Create the new users in the system. Remove remote access from the default root accounts. Configure your firewall rules for your remote access.”

I watched Elliot as he answered, his eyes focused on a spot over my shoulder. I made my notes as JaLeah moved on to the next question.

“What are the most common types of cyberattacks? Explain which attack you feel is most common and why it is most common.”

Elliot listed off the usual attacks with ease—phishing, malware, DDoS, password attacks, malvertising, man in the middle, but it was his answer to the second part of the question that allowed us to see a glimpse under his carefully crafted façade.

“People. People are the only reason cyberattacks happen and people are the ones who make it easy for hackers to execute any attack. The most common cyberattack in a large corporation is phishing—people are all too willing to provide information without first checking the origination. People who work in companies operate on autopilot, running their daily programs, usually without interruption, and in order to avoid a runtime error, people will click a link, enter their password, and by then, they have you.”**

We were all quiet for a moment and Elliot looked a bit surprised, as if he couldn’t believe what he just said aloud.

“Excellent answer, Mr. Alderson,” JaLeah said, narrowing her eyes and nodding, still mulling over Elliot’s response. “If only we knew how to prevent human error—but I supposed that would be a billion-dollar answer,” she finished, flashing him a smile.

He shrugged his shoulders and gave her a tiny smile in response.

That was the only real glimpse of Elliot’s personality we got for the rest of the interview, but he absolutely nailed the task, finding each vulnerability we set up in our system and fixing it in record time.

“Do you have any questions for us, Mr. Alderson?” I asked as we closed out the interview.

“I’ve already found out everything I needed to know,” Elliot replied, his eyes meeting and holding my gaze.

I smirked and nodded.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less, Mr. Alderson. You’ll hear from HR within 24 hours, either way,” I said as I hit the intercom.

“Please see Mr. Alderson out, Jayne.”

Elliot left as nervously as he entered, not bothering with any attempt at casual conversation to make his interview a bit more memorable.

As soon as the office door clicked shut, Colin leaned back in his chair and said, “No way. Guy’s weird.”

“Weird?” I questioned. “Since when is being nervous the same as being ‘weird’?”

“He didn’t make eye contact with me once—and not like in an ‘on the spectrum way.’ More like, he has a secret and no one can know it way. I’m not trying to be a dick—I just got a bad vibe.”

“Well, you are being a dick,” I said. “There are a thousand reasons why people struggle with eye contact, Colin. Don’t stereotype. Give me something factual if you really didn’t like him for the position.”

“And I remember a time when you couldn’t look me in the eye, Colin,” JaLeah said, her dark eyes flashing.

Colin rubbed his hands over his face and sighed.

“He didn’t elaborate on any of the questions—he spit back text-book answers on every one, except for JaLeah’s question about cyberattacks. I felt like he wasn’t hungry for this job—he acted like he didn’t really want it.”

I nodded my head.

“I wish he would have elaborated, too. However, I think his tech skills far outweigh any subpar people skills.”

“I agree with Y/N,” JaLeah said. “But I do see Colin’s point—remember when we had those interns? We ended up hiring Steph because she was able to build a rapport with everyone here. Granted, they all had about the same skill set, but her ability to communicate set her apart.”

“Doesn’t it also work in reverse, though--tech skills over people skills?”

Colin nodded in agreement. “It does.”

“So, let me make you both a deal: if any of the remaining candidates perform as well or better than Elliot Alderson on the task, we hire them. If not, we go with Alderson.”

“Works for me,” JaLeah said. “For the record, I did like him. He really spit some fire on that answer about human error.”

I smiled at JaLeah and nodded while Colin rolled his eyes.

“Alright—who’s up next?” he said, already accepting the idea that he was probably not going to win this one.  

* * * * *

I closed my eyes and rolled my neck, listening to the bones pop and crunch. It was time to get up and take a lap around the office before the blood decided to pool in my calves and send me to an early grave.

It was nearly 8 pm, so when I saw the illumination of a computer screen reflected in a set of big grey eyes, I was a bit surprised. Elliot Alderson had accepted our offer and started at CIStech three weeks ago. He was proving to be an excellent engineer, and once he settled in, I wanted to assign him to the white hat team.

However, Colin saw fit to initiate a trial by fire and made Elliot the project manager for the development of a new code that could counter a DDoS flooding attack.  

Colin may have done it to be an asshole, but I permitted it out of curiosity to see if my hire had what it took to climb. It was already clear that Elliot’s skills were unmatched. If he could pitch, he would be on the fast-track to becoming my boss one day.

When he saw me approach, his fingers immediately stilled and a look of apprehension crossed his features.

“Hey, Elliot. Working late?” I asked, surprised at the butterflies in my stomach as I initiated a conversation with him.

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you, Ms. Y/L/N. I didn’t realize how late it was,” Elliot said in his deep voice, his words rolling out in that gentle monotone.

“Y/N. It’s Y/N—we don’t do that Mr. and Ms. stuff once you’re hired. Call me crazy, but I like to think of all 50 or so of us as a family. Distant and dysfunctional, sure. But whose family isn’t?” I finished with an awkward chuckle at my own joke.

Elliot looked at me, his expression unreadable, and said nothing for what felt like an obscene amount of time. I’m certain my cheeks colored at my failed attempt at a joke and his subsequent silence. I began to feel an urgent need to fill the quietness with this almost-stranger I just called “family” when Elliot finally spoke.

“That’s . . . nice.”

I laughed and said, “You’re not much of a talker, are you?”

Elliot gave me a tiny smile, if you could even call the fleeting upturn of his lips before they drew back into a straight line a smile.

“No. I’m not.”

I thought for a few seconds, wanting my first one-on-one interaction with Elliot to be right. A thousand things to say barreled through my mind like Shanghai’s Maglev, and I saw Elliot’s attention turn back to his computer, his fingers twitching, probably wondering if it would be rude to go back to work.

“Do you know what I wish, Elliot?” I said, my words rushed as I reigned in the speeding train of my thoughts.

“No,” Elliot said, looking at me with genuine confusion.

“I wish we had a code we could input to just automatically cut out the bullshit of small talk. Imagine if our minds could input all of that information—we’d know right away whether or not a person was to our liking, whether they would be someone who could become our friend.”

Elliot looked at me, his eyes shining from the monitor in the dark of the office, his mouth a bit agape; he looked at me as if I were either the first human he’d ever seen or the last human he’d ever see—I couldn’t make up my mind on the former or the latter.

“Is that totally crazy?” I asked.

“It’s the least crazy thing I’ve ever heard,” Elliot said, his voice breaking with its normal monotone to convey honesty.  

I smiled, and the butterflies in my stomach finally settled. I moved around Elliot’s desk and leaned on the edge. He scooted his chair back so he could angle it toward me, his hands fidgeting, unsure what to do without a keyboard underneath of them.

“I’m willing to pretend that code is real—we’ve scanned each other, determined we’re cool, and can now proceed along the route of friendship. At least, that’s what my data has output.”

Elliot grinned, and the fucking butterflies came back in full force. There was no part of my 8 pm afterwork self that was equipped to handle how damn good-looking this guy was.  

“My data reads the same,” he said, his smile turning shy, his eyes flickering away from my face and toward the floor.

“Excellent. So, as emerging friends, I want to confess that, believe or not, I’m not much of a talker either.”

“I—I don’t think we are the same kind of not-talkers,” Elliot said, frowning up at me.

“Do me a favor. Tomorrow, pay attention after you pitch the DDoS counter plan. Once the pitch is out, everyone shoots off their own ideas and if they don’t have an original thought, they’ll turn to criticism. I won’t say a word—I never do.”

“Why?” Elliot asked, clearly interested because his response was immediate.

“Because I listen. People are so consumed by a need to have self-validation that they talk just to talk, hoping something that comes out of their mouth is what sparks someone else’s path to self-validation. It’s a . . . circle jerk, if you don’t mind me speaking in my ‘off the clock’ tongue.”

Elliot’s mouth had dropped open a little again as he listened, his brows drawn in as he gave it some thought—well, a lot of thought because once again, the silence bordered on oppressive before he spoke again.

“I thought people only said things like that inside their minds. Especially bosses.”

“Did I reveal an inherent human truth you were unaware of?”

Elliot chuckled, a gravelly rumble, and it was the cutest damn thing I had ever heard.

“No—I’ve thought the same thing for as long as I can remember.”

“See? Our data chose well. Now, do you want to sit there and tell me more about how unalike we are or are you ready to trust me enough to help you with whatever is plaguing you about pitching tomorrow?”

“How did you—” Elliot began before sighing and popping off of his chair to stalk over to the window. It took me by surprise that a little piece of his mask was so readily falling away.

I stayed where I was, even though his form was little more than a shadow that moved against the backdrop of the lighted city.

“I am not good with people,” Elliot said, his voice sounding harsh and too loud in the quiet office. “I don’t know how to talk to them one-on-one, so I sure as hell don’t know how to talk to them in a group. All I can think of when I get in front of anyone is how much of an idiot they think I am. I even typed up a letter of resignation,” Elliot said, his voice returning to its normal murmur with his confession.

This time, it was my turn to nurse the quiet. I thought about saying, Bullshit—you’re talking to me. You can do anything you put your mind to! But Elliot wasn’t someone who needed a pep-talk. He was deeper than that—probably even deeper than I could ever comprehend. “I’m not gonna bullshit you. You could walk out of here and get hired just about anywhere in any one of these buildings with your skill set. But I’d like to believe that you care, maybe just a little, that I am the one who extended you an offer—gave you a shot at your first ‘real’ job. So, yeah, you can run. But you’ll hurt my feelings if you do.” Whatever Elliot was expecting me to say, it wasn’t that. He walked back to stand in front of me and he blinked those big eyes that were once again a reflection of the light blue of the desktop.

“You don’t even know me enough to be affected by anything I do. I’m just another cog in the wheel.” I thought we were on a path to friendship, but if this was Elliot’s response to my admission I cared about whether or not he quit, I knew he was hiding, deep, deep inside of himself. “What makes you think you’re unworthy of general human concern? You are human, aren’t you?” I said, once again making an awkward joke for myself to softly laugh at. “I—I didn’t mean that I—" “Careful, Elliot. You intrigue me. And when people intrigue me, I have to figure them out. Have to.”

Elliot took off toward the window again, pacing as he struggled to convey his fear.

“Like I said, I’m not much of a talker and I’m not very good with people. I can do anything with a computer, but people. I just . . . can’t.”

“Mmm, until I see a T-800 running around and declaring “I’ll be back,” I will disagree with you that you can do ‘anything’ with a computer.”

Elliot stopped pacing and turned to face me, his head comically turned to the side as he decided whether or not to finally laugh at one of my jokes.

This time, he did laugh, a soft little chuckle as he shook his head and shoved his hands in his pants’ pockets.

“Let me make you an offer—”

“An offer I can’t refuse?”

I giggled and shook my head.

“Yes! He jokes! We really are on the path to friendship. . . which means, I want to help you: Fill me in on the details of what you’ve designed, and we can practice. Come on—we’ll go in the meeting room.”

“I can’t ask you to—”

“You did not ask. I gave you a command. All you have to do is type Y,” I said in a sing-song voice, smiling before pushing off the edge of his desk and walking toward the meeting room.

I turned after a moment to see Elliot grab his laptop and follow me.

When we crossed the office to the meeting room, I paused with my hand on the door.

“Actions help us believe what our minds have convinced us not to believe—if I truly thought you were nothing more than a cog, would I give my time to you? Tell me—what’s more valuable than time?”

Elliot didn’t answer me. Instead, he smiled at me, his expression conveying his gratitude.

I turned the knob and walked toward the sofa, plopping onto the cushion.

“So, fill me in.”

* * * * *

Elliot and I passed many nights like this, and I quickly realized Elliot wasn’t going to follow in my footsteps and climb up the management ladder. After his DDoS proposal, Colin followed my recommendation and moved Elliot to the white hat hackers, a small team of ten. The white hats worked a little more in isolation than the other techs, which is what Elliot wanted. 

So, we worked. We talked. We listened. We ate too much take-out and spent too many late hours at the office.

Our data was compatible, which would be Elliot-speak for saying, “We became friends.” 

***Present***

“Elliot! Elliot, what happened?” I asked as I dropped to my knees and rolled him the rest of the way onto his back.

His eyes snapped open and darted around the room, looking everywhere but at me. Elliot scooted away and backed up to the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest and crossing his arms over his legs. He looked like a trapped, feral animal, trying to make itself as small as possible to avoid capture.

I noticed the cuts and the trails of blood that smeared across his hands, and I saw that there was blood on the floor where he had been laying. As I looked him over, I also saw a gash across his forehead that ran into his hairline. Blood was still trickling down the side of his face.

“Elliot,” I said again in a soft, calm voice.

He still didn’t react; instead, he looked around the room and started mumbling, thumping the back of his head off the wall.

I got up and quickly moved to drop down in front of him, placing my hand between his head and the wall. It looked like he already had a concussion and I didn’t want him to hurt himself anymore.

“Elliot. Hey. It’s Y/N. You’ve gotta focus, sweetheart. Focus on my voice.”

I kept repeating myself in the same soothing tone. After a few moments, I slowly reached out and grasped his shoulder, running my thumb over the material of his light grey dress shirt.

Slowly, Elliot stopped moving his head and his eyes stopped darting. I still had no idea what he was mumbling and if it weren’t for the vibrations of his chest and the very subtle movements of his lips, I wouldn’t have known he was speaking.

When Elliot finally fixed his eyes on my face, his brows contracted into confusion.

“Y/N?” he said, his voice raspy, like someone who had been talking too loudly over music or who had smoked too many cigarettes in a night.

“Hey,” I said smiling and removing my hand from his shoulder.

“Shit! The servers!” Elliot said, and tried to dart up, but I held him back.

“No. Don’t move. Your head is bleeding and so are your hands. I need to get you to a hospital.”

Once again Elliot’s eyes began to look everywhere but my face and he tried to scramble up. This time, he broke free from my grasp and I found myself flat on my ass as he bolted up from the floor.

He didn’t get very far because after about three steps he swooned and crashed into one of the broken servers. I scrambled to my feet and helped him sit back down on the floor.

“See? Hospital. Now.”

This time Elliot looked right at me, his eyes filled with tears as he begged me not to take him to a hospital. The display of pure emotion was a shock for me—even though Elliot and I spent a lot of time together, he was always very careful in his interactions and remained emotionally distant. To see him so vulnerable made me rethink my insistence.

“Shh, okay. Okay. Listen—I don’t know if you’re concussed or what, but can you tell me anything about what happened? Or when this happened? If the tapes never went out. . .” I trailed off, unable to even imagine the repercussions.  

“The courier left at 4:48.”

I raised my eyebrow at Elliot’s precise answer.

“Okaaaay.”

“I remember the time because—” Elliot broke off and looked away.

“Because why?”

“That’s when they locked me in here,” he mumbled, his voice barely audible over the buzzing of the air conditioning that kept the server room so cool.

My phone rang, startling both of us. As I talked, Elliot retreated further into himself again, his knees pressed to his chest once more, his eyes fixed firmly on the floor.

“Yes, I’m at work, Miles.”

“Uh-huh. Yeah.”

“We definitely have a problem, but everything’s been backed up—the tapes were couriered out this afternoon.”

“No—you don’t need to come in.”

“Uh, it’s a problem with the a few of the servers themselves, some broken parts. Listen, I promise—I’ll take care of it and everything will be up and running on Tuesday like nothing ever happened.”

“You’re welcome—enjoy your night.”

“I will. Bye.”

I hung up the phone and stood up, leaving Elliot to himself for a moment. I surveyed the damage that was apparently done by Elliot himself. My mind couldn’t even grasp the idea that people I supervised, many of whom I had hired myself, would do something so inhumane.

It was no secret that people avoided Elliot, even his white hat teammates—he was closed off, smarter than most of them, and worked harder than all of them. I wasn’t blind to the way he was he treated, but I also knew him in a different way; I knew he kept to himself because it was so difficult for him to socialize with people he considered strangers.

I also knew Elliot didn’t mean to do this.

After I surveyed the damage, I began thinking outloud, “Towers 2, 3, 6, and 7 are fucking toast, but the rest are untouched. I need to synchronize the traffic to the secondary servers and synch the databases. Since it’s Memorial Day weekend, the traffic is light enough that no real damage should have been done. I have a friend who might be able to get us new towers.”

Elliot was watching me as I talked and figured out how to fix his mess.

“I can—” he began, but I cut him off.

“I have to tell them how this happened, Elliot. I’m not making any promises, but if I can fix it by Tuesday morning, you might be able to keep your job. And I can promise you, the fucking assholes that did this to you won’t.”

Elliot looked to the floor again, his face filled with sadness.

“Sit—do not move while I grab some papertowels and ice.”

Elliot gave me a barely perceptible nod, and I went off to gather what I needed to ice his head and clean up the blood.

When I came back, Elliot was sitting at the desk in the server room, his fingers poking over the keys on the keyboard.

“Damnit, Elliot! I said not to move.”

“This is all my fault. I have to fix it. I have to fix it. I have to—”

I cut him off by lifting his arms away from the keyboard and scooting the rolling chair back. Elliot turned his bloodshot eyes to mine, the rims lined with red and I wondered if he’d been crying.

I sighed and placed my hands on both of his shoulders.

“This is not your fault,” I said firmly, my eyes flickering between his, refusing to release him from my gaze until he listened to me.

Elliot opened his mouth, then closed it, choosing not to fight me.

“Hold this on your head,” I said, tearing my eyes from his face, and reaching for the ice pack I had set on the desk.

Elliot complied, and I turned back to the desk to finish synchronizing the servers. Once I was done, I wiped up the blood on the floor with the wet papertowels, then unplugged the damaged servers.

“Now, let’s get out of here. Your head is still bleeding,” I said as I made a final lap to check for damage.

I helped Elliot up by wedging my hand under his elbow, careful to avoid his fucked up hands. For a moment, the two of us were face-to-face. His eyes lifted up to look into mine and I sighed, reaching up to grasp his chin and turn his head to look at the gash.

“Head wounds are the worst. Never can tell how deep they are,” I whispered, looking closely at his cut.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“I know, El. Come on.”

Elliot followed me out of the server room and I locked the door. After throwing away the bloodied papertowels in the bathroom, I came out to see Elliot at his desk, struggling into his hoodie, hissing as his bleeding and bruised hands slid through the fabric.

“I’ll get your backpack,” I said as I approached and reached under his desk to pull it out. “Is there anything else you need?”

Elliot shook his head no and I shrugged into his backpack. He stayed close as I set the alarm and waited for the elevator, neither one of us wanting to talk.

“Good night, Lance,” I called toward the front desk as I kept walking.

“Eh, Ms. Y/L/N? Do you need me to call—”

“Nope—all is well! Sorry you’re stuck here tonight, though,” I said with a wave.

“Me, too,” Lance answered, chuckling a little.

I led Elliot to the passenger door of my SUV, opening it and then waiting for Elliot to get in. Once I made sure he was settled, I shut the door and opened up the back door to take off his backpack and place it onto the seat.

I got in, buckled up, and put the key in the ignition. The radio started belting out the Britney Spears song I was rocking to on the way in, and I quickly turned it down after Elliot and I both jumped.

“Now you know my darkest secret,” I said shaking my head.

Elliot looked at me, the hint of the smallest smile in the universe turning up one corner of his mouth.

“I’m taking you to my place and I don’t want an argument. I have a friend who is a PA and I’m going to call her. She’s going to look at your head and if she says you need to go to the hospital, you are going to go. Is that clear?”

Elliot frowned and his eyes looked to the door as if he was contemplating whether or not he could escape.

I quickly put the SUV in gear and swerved out into the street to prevent him from making a move.

“Ok,” he said quietly, knowing he had no other choice.

[maren-reads-books]

All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens throughout the Ages Edited by Saundra Mitchell

Written by Anna-Marie McLemore, Natalie C. Parker, Nilah Magruder, Mackenzi Lee, Robin Talley, Malinda Lo, Dahlia Adler, Kate Scelsa, Elliot Wake, Scott Tracey, Tess Sharpe, Alex Sanchez, Kody Keplinger, Sara Farizan, Tessa Gratton, Shaun David Hutchinson and Tehlor Kay Mejia

In this wonderful collection of short stories, you will be pulled into worlds filled with magic and worlds much like ours, where love, in any form, can overcome all. Whether it be two girls becoming pirates and taking charge of their lives, a thief and witch tearing apart a corrupt system or a new years revelation, this book will pull at your heartstrings and is bound to make you want to fall in love.

--SPOILERS--

Like previous reviews of short story books, I will go through each of these stories in quick mini-reviews so that you guys can get unlimited access into the bookish section of my brain. This book is such a great collection of short stories and I would highly recommend it to all. There are so many important lessons within each and every one of these stories and I think there are valuable pieces of information that I think everyone should have in their repertoire.

Roja: This story was so good, I’m not usually one for historical fiction but it is starting to grow on me, especially when magic and fairytales are involved. I loved this retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. I loved that it involved an accurate trans character, there are real historical accounts of girls dressing as men to fight, although they were not always trans, I did love the accurate historical representation. It was so great that the girl wasn't ashamed of him and loved him for who he was, she fought for him even though people looked down on her for existing. These people didn't even care enough to acknowledge her as a human. Her strength, her power, her willingness to fight against those oppressive men is not only representational of the plights of what women have gone through for centuries, but it’s also great to see a powerful female character stand up for what she believes in and for the people she loves. This story was just wonderful and I loved it so much. It is one of the many reasons I would recommend this book.

The Sweet Trade: I feel like this story fits a common theme that appears in some of the books that I've read: girls wanting to be pirates, which is awesome. I love that even though Clara is only sixteen she knows what she wants from life and it's not to be married to some pushover of a man who only wants money. She wants to take control of her life and create her own destiny which is completely badass if you ask me. And then she meets Pearl, who is also running away from her wedding, and they help each other, women supporting women at its finest. It is such a sweet little story of two girls falling in love as they take charge of their lives. I liked it very much, although I wish it were a tad longer.

And They Don’t Kiss At The End: I don't have a whole lot to say about this story but it did like it a lot. My most prominent reason for enjoying this story so much was that it had asexual representation. You never ever see aromantic or asexual representation and I really loved how this book went about it, it was just wonderful to see. Another reason I loved it was because Vince didn't pressure Dee into doing anything she didn't want to, he was completely accepting of her boundaries and that is so important in any kind of relationship. These types of stories are the kind I want to be made into a full out book, it's so important for teens to know that they have options and whatever they might be feeling or not feeling is normal. Diverse representation in media is so important, and this book does it right.

Burnt Umber: This story was sweet and simple. I love the fact that you don't really see the end coming. From the beginning, all Constantijn can think of is the handsome boy who works at the docks, it's very endearing until Joost comes to model for his class. I was so excited that maybe they'd become friends and then something more, but then it turns out Joost is kind of mean and Constantijn loses interest, yes he may be pretty but he isn't nice to Constantijn’s friends. I think that this is an important story about knowing what's good for you and what’s not, no matter how appealing it may look on the outside. It is a very sweet little story and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

The Dresser And The Chambermaid: Again with the wonderful historical fiction! This was such a sweet little story, I don't have a whole lot of analysis for this one but I will tell you I was so happy in the end when they both got to be dressers and Suzanna got recognition for her hairstyle. It was so funny that when they were kissing in the hallway and the king kind of walked in on them and was just like “whatever, I can't judge since I'm going to meet my mistress and cheat on my wife” and just left. Like that was a little piece of comic relief and I loved it, what a wonderful upbeat little story.

New Year: Same as the last, I don't have much to say about this story. I do think however, it was a great way to highlight the adversity that queer people have faced throughout history, especially queer people of color. ‘Minority’ groups have long faced persecution, as well as queer people. When you persecute two groups that sometimes overlap, its an onslaught of discrimination, and although this story doesn't go very deep into that issue it hints at it. But I also think that this story was a little bit about the main characters queer awakening. She has little exposure to the LGBTQ community but she sees something in it that intrigues her and makes her feel something, and I think it's important that people realize that exploration outside of the socially accepted “norms” is good and can show you parts of yourself that you didn't even know existed. At least that's what I gained from this story.

Molly’s Lips: I love this story, first it is a reference to one of my favorite songs, which is great, who doesn't love Nirvana(more specifically the Vaselines)? I think it's great that this story addresses the insane amount of grief the country was feeling over his man's death. He was an icon loved by millions, and he was just gone. I love this because I totally get what Molly is feeling. When you love someone that much you just want to be enough to make all the hurt go away and make sure they will always be okay, but it's not always enough to just be there, you have to listen and try to understand because that's what they need you to do. The way this story played out, however short, was just perfect and adorable, like so many of the stories in this book I wish it were a full-length book.

The Coven: This story also contains something I read about often, witches. I love magic! Magic is so cool, in almost any aspect. I also just love the way this was laid out, I love Dean’s description of Vivi, I’m a sucker for women in cool hats and doing *scandalous* things in eras past. I also love the little easter egg in there, Gertrude Stein was having a conversation with young Ernest Hemingway, cool! But I just love this story, it's very mysterious and its another piece of historical fiction, a story after my own heart. And who doesn't love a little magic in Paris? I also liked that Dean had those foggy days because I totally feel that, when you're a person who tends to take on other peoples problems because of your big heart, you put those problems ahead of dealing with your own pain, it was really great to see her deal with her grief and realize that she can help herself.

Every Shade Of Red: Another take on a fairytale, yay! Everyone knows the classic story of Robin Hood stealing from the rich to give to the poor, most kids my age grew up watching the Disney version with all the animals. But this version has a special place in my heart. I love fairytales and retellings of them, and I love that in this story we have Robin as a leader of a motley crew but he's also trans which is so cool, we have a trans character where the story isn't only about them being trans. That is so important, most YA novels and stories that have trans protagonists its only about their journey of self discovery and figuring out what they want to do with this newfound freedom, which isn't a bad thing, but trans people have lives outside of their transition and dysphoria and I think it’s important that people recognize that. But I also think that this story would ring true for many trans people, their parents disowned them or cut ties completely because of who they truly are and this happened for Robin in this story, although I do like the twist that he used to be Marian, I was kind of suspecting it but it was still surprising. This story gives off Six of Crows vibes, even though there are no trans characters in that book it has similar themes (go read it if you haven't yet). But I was so incredibly upset with the ending!! Totally unfair of them to do that to Robin, it was a cruel twist of fate that I didn't see coming, and Will’s father no less, like wow. Did not see that coming at all, not cool, not cool at all. I did love this story but there needs to be more, I need to know if they find their way back to each other because if they never do I’ll be very upset for like, the rest of my life.

Willows: I had mixed feelings about this story. It was interesting and weird but also really confusing. Benjamin was himself, but also other people. And the Return? Like what is that? And if the town knew that he and Sebastian were a thing, why hadn't they taken care of it yet if they cared so much about maintaining the sanctity village? Also in the end when they run away it was kind of implied that Sebastian knew that the witches were there and teat they could protect them, but it was written in a way that made it kind of hard to understand. Overall this story was intriguing but I think things could've been laid out more clearly so that it makes better sense to the reader.

The Girl With The Blue Lantern: I love this story! Although its a little short for my liking its so cute, although I wonder what Oriana is, is she a sprite? A fairy? A nymph? Who knows but I like her. It sucks that Ella had to live with her father like that it was so awful, I can't imagine, and then she's been taking care of him and helping him this entire time and when she finally has enough money to et themselves up for a decent life he takes her money and accused her of stealing from him and selling her body to make money. Like that an awful man she never deserved that. I was a little nervous though when she stepped into the water, I thought something bad might happened but I was so glad that they are able to be together now and will be able to love each other forever, it's such a nice happy ending. Very cute, 10/10.

The Secret Life Of A Teenage Boy: Again too short! I know this is a book of short stories but I want all for them to be full books, I love all of them too much. I did love this story, its just so sweet and innocent and its kind of a self-realization story, he always knew he was different and was to afraid to say anything but then by fate he meets this guy and it changes his whole life, even though it only took not even an hour, stuff like that just makes my heart melt, because that’s what I want true love to be like, one minute can change your whole perspective on life, and you just gotta roll with the punches but you also have to know what is good for you and what you want from life and I think that this story was a perfect example of that and I really enjoyed it.

Walking After Midnight: I love this era, the ’50s and ’60s are my jam, especially fashion-wise, but the era was so cool in many ways. This story was so sweet, I think it was another little piece of the lgbtq+ spectrum that we don't usually get to see, maybe demisexual or asexual, but either way it was a super cute story about exploring your options, no matter where you are in life, you're not stuck, there is a way out and you have options, it doesn't matter your age or race or gender, you have those opportunities if you look for them they'll be there. I just really like this story because it was just so hopeful and upbeat and it did have some serious parts but it was very just flowing but it also had a great underlying message.

The End Of The World as We Know It: I love this, I was born two years after the Y2K thing so I totally missed it but it sounded interesting. I also missed the Columbine shooting, the fact that this book brought it up was like a punch in the gut, the way that the characters said it was probably never going to happen again, and here I am in June of 2019 and in the twenty years since the Columbine there have been over 230 school shootings in the US, and although I don't usually get into politics on this account I think that this is an important statistic that everyone should know. On a different note, I did like this story, it was sweet and simple, another story of self-discovery and young love like many in this collection, it was just super chill and I love the note at the end when it says “sorry I couldn't stay I had to go break up with my boyfriend” like what a great way to start out the new year.

Three Witches: I love this story although I am a bit confused about the title, I don't really know what it had to do with the story, I can only assume it is Gracia, Violante, and the unknown woman at the end of the book. This story made me sad but also happy, sad because this woman was being accused of being a sinner for loving a woman, she was being punished because the church said it wrong to love freely. It made me happy because she, in turn, found love in her imprisonment and set both herself and Gracia free. Stories like this really pull at my heartstrings because I don't understand, and this is my personal opinion, I’m not judging anyone, how you can believe that one superior being makes everything so and he said that loving someone is wrong, I just don't understand that. But this story made me happy because they both discovered strength in themselves and each other in times of weakness and that's what love really is.

The Inferno and The Butterfly: I love love love this story! It's so good! Both of these boys had gone through so much and thought they had people who loved them and cared for them and both had that idea ripped from their hearts and minds but they found each other and they found a way to create real love that wouldn't be taken away by anyone else, and that is beautiful. As I addressed earlier, historical fiction is growing on me, but magic has always been something I loved reading about. This story kind of reminded me of a darker shade of magic, old London and magic are like the best duo ever and this is such a great little love story and the combination is so good, this is probably my third favorite out of this collection.

Healing Rosa: This story is so cool, I have a little bit of an obsession with different cultures and their healing rituals, myths about where they come from interest me so much and I think that's why I love this story so much. Another reason why I love this story is that it addresses in some aspect, mental illness and how it can affect someone, not only mentally but also physically. Lastly, I love this story because, in the end, Rosa’s dad accepted her for who she was and realised that his own sadness and bitterness was nothing compared to what he would experience if he lost his daughter and that's what truly pulled me into this story. There are so many people in this world who are disowned and pushed away by their families because they don't know how to accept their children's differences and I think it’s important that we address the happier sides of the narrative instead of only the bad ones, it gives hope to those who may not have it, and that goes for everything in life.

Top Three: Every Shade of Red, Roja, The Inferno and The Butterfly

-maren

[thelanguageoflovers]

DIRECTOR’S CUT THAT DAMNED UNIVERSE. -L

Spoilers!That Damned Universe was heavily inspired by a couple of books I once read, and I think it has a lot of meaning that goes under the radar of a lot of people, instead being registered subconsciously (the whole point of my writing, frankly). Here’s a ridiculously in-depth rundown of each chapter, from the writer’s point of view.Chapter 1The first chapter was meant to introduce the storyline, and show some exposition. Lincoln Academy was named after my elementary school, and is structured in a ridiculously unconventional manner, given the strong academic drive of the academy. We find out quickly that Cyrus, TJ, Andi, and Buffy all room in Stanford Dormitory along with the rest of the freshman class, and Amber is in Halsey. Halsey was named after my favorite building of the college in my hometown, while Stanford was after the university, where Cyrus would end up going to major in psychology if TDU extended that far.I put Cyrus on the fourth floor and Andi and Buffy on the second for the sole purpose of creating conversational periods between characters as they go between one another’s rooms or to and from classes. This set up the framework for TJ and Cyrus’ first kiss later on.I intentionally wrote Cyrus to react to his arrival at Lincoln with minimal homesickness for two reasons. The first, of course, is that Cyrus grew up with four incredibly overbearing but well-meaning parents, and he is eager to take a deep breath. The second is that Cyrus, as all characters and people must be, is a psychologically complex character, and his immediate lack of emotional displacement comes from that fact. He’s so overwhelmed upon arriving at Lincoln that he doesn’t have the time to catch his breath, let alone miss his parents.Finally, the last line. TJ almost immediately tells Cyrus he finds him fascinating upon meeting him, which feels almost rushed, but was planned to feel as such. TJ’s first impression of Cyrus is so sudden and rushed because he immediately likes Cyrus, and isn’t quite sure how to express his emotions, so he naturally does his best to make Cyrus happy.Chapter 2The first line of the second chapter (Cyrus woke to his alarm, going off at exactly 5:55 am, as it always had - Cyrus was sure it always would.) is a representation of how Cyrus follows a schedule in his life that doesn’t change, and he assumes it never will. However, in chapter 6, he doesn’t wake to his alarm, because he’d fallen asleep with TJ the night before. This was coded to imply that TJ teaches Cyrus to let himself be human and have a little more fun.Cyrus wakes to TJ gone, because I wanted to show TJ’s elusive nature early on in the story, then introduce his character a little bit later. His leaving confuses and intrigues Cyrus, effectively prompting him to get to know TJ better.He spends an exorbitant amount of type getting ready on the first day of school, which was to further cement the notion that he’s a touch over-specific in all areas of his life, especially when he’s in a new, unfamiliar, or stressful environment (Lincoln Academy just so happens to be all three).Their odd choice of cereal (both Rice Krispies and Cap'n Crunch) is a little reference to Gilmore Girls, in which Paris and Rory both make interesting and unique cereal and milk mixtures on a couple of occasions.Cyrus’s offhanded comment that TJ hates the universe is not only the root of the title, but a slight character development from TJ, giving him a human characteristic. This at the very least proves that Cyrus and TJ had a conversation of substance the night before, and had learned more than trivial things about one another.Andi and Buffy lightheartedly making fun of him for his taste in unobtainable athletes was meant to allude to his crush on Jonah back home, and to show that he’d grown more comfortable with his sexuality since coming out to them.Lincoln’s class periods are 40 minutes, with a 20-minute break between. This seems absurd at first, but later we’ll find that classes constantly run lat, justifying the minor absurdity.Cyrus and TJ’s conversation between 5th and 6th period is meant to show their friendship and the way Cyrus affects TJ in a positive way. They joke back and forth naturally, complimenting one another and letting the conversation carry without trying too hard.Chapter 3This chapter follows my own change and interpretation of actual things from Andi Mack, turning some of my favorite pieces of the show in relation to Tyrus into my own plotlines. The first is, of course, TJ’s acrimony towards Buffy. In the show, this is expressed as jealousy of her basketball skills, whereas I chose to change it into jealousy of her close relationship with Cyrus. TJ immediately leaving when Cyrus and Buffy walk into the dorm room is meant to further stabilize the notion that TJ thinks she and Cyrus are together, though at this point it hasn’t been confirmed.Buffy and Cyrus getting into a fight over his feelings for TJ shows that Cyrus isn’t ready to admit how he feels. This also allows for TJ and Cyrus to become closer when Cyrus can’t turn to Andi and Buffy for constant friendship.Cyrus’s conversation with TJ in the library is interesting, as the second TJ finds out that Cyrus and Buffy aren’t dating, the conversation lightens. They’re then able to have a conversation that moves along without the weight of their mutual awkwardness resting on it. Their academic banter throughout the conversation was meant to show that TJ and Cyrus were both highly academically minded, despite showing that trait in very different ways.Cyrus being unable to stop himself from asking if TJ is okay shows two things about him and his relationship with TJ. The first is that Cyrus is the type of person who cannot refrain from helping others. He shows unconditional empathy for others, and those he loves are never free from his well-meaning comfort. The second thing this shows is that he has grown so comfortable with TJ in under 24 hours that he’s willing to risk stepping possibly outside of his boundaries as an acquaintance/friend to ensure that TJ is going to be alright.

Chapter 4

All of Cyrus’s teachers (Mr. Marlow, Madame Aguillard, Mr. Stile, Mrs. Elliot, Ms. Anderson, Mr. Smith, Mrs. Barnett, Mrs. Bailey) are slight variations of teachers I’ve had this year or last, most of which teach the same subjects I had them for.This chapter has one last interpretation of a classic detail from Andi Mack - the muffin. Their exchange of sandwich for chocolate-chocolate chip muffin proves that they’re friends, and care about one another enough to insist they have their favorite foods.I chose for them to play a game of 20 questions as a way to reveal exposition without stating their backgrounds, interests, and hobbies point-blank. This also allowed me to build their relationship through verbal learning.Marty being the friend who accidentally outed TJ let me introduce him to the story, and having him, Amber, Buffy and Andi rush into TJ and Cyrus’s room let me introduce them to one another. Amber and Andi’s quickness to flirt with one another showed that TJ and Amber inadvertently learned about love in the same way - they both grew up learning from their parents that those you love can leave quickly. Thus, they both picked up a habit of quickly establishing a close relationship with those they’re attracted to before they leave.Chapter 5 Cyrus wakes with a terrible headache the next day (and jokes with TJ about being hungover) because of the yelling and conflict the night before. I put this aspect in for two main reasons. One is, of course, showing that Cyrus can’t stand conflict, and is consistently trying to resolve it. The second reason I put this bit into the story is so that I could allow TJ to minorly comfort Cyrus in a platonic (but romantically intentioned) manner.Cyrus quickly saving TJ from having to out himself to Buffy and Andi was a move that I wrote in to show Cyrus’s growing ability to cut into conversations and protect those he loves, as taught to him by TJ.The small scene of TJ and Cyrus studying together exhibits the lighthearted, carefree side of their relationship that I thought was very important to introduce at some point in the story.The romantic tension between Cyrus and TJ as the former helps TJ with his compass foreshadows their awkward encounter following their first kiss later on. When it ultimately built to them falling asleep holding pinkies, that was meant to show that they were each aware of their feelings for the other, but reluctant to show them.Chapter 6When Cyrus and TJ wake up the next morning, they’re curled around one another, and it causes intense romantic tension between the pair as they go about starting the day. This ends when they go back and forth in a short exchange of ‘I wasn’t’ and 'well neither was I’. TJ tries to kiss Cyrus, but they’re interrupted by a phone call. This signifies the awkward, fumbling nature of the relationship, especially as they go to help Andi. Their acknowledgment of the awkwardness between them is a huge step in their relationship, which ultimately leads to their first kiss.Their argument in the stairwell being the lead up to their kiss was a choice I made because in the heat of an argument, emotions are heightened. This was important for the scene to work, as if they hadn’t been arguing, neither would have the courage to kiss the other.Final ChapterI had Cyrus start the seventh chapter regretting his kiss with TJ to drive the plot. This forced TJ and him to have an actual conversation about what exactly their relationship was at the end of the chapter.Honestly, there were only two reasons I made Buffy aroace. First, I’m ace and I wanted representation, so I took the opportunity when it arose. Second, I wanted to tease you guys with Muffy (anyone paying really close attention to AO3 will have noticed that I tagged TDU as a Marty/Buffy fic, then took away the tag for the last chapter).Cyrus wagering his asking TJ out for Andi doing the same with Amber was a way for me to close the Ambi storyline in a satisfactory way without dedicating an entire chapter exclusively to it.The mini-monologue of Cyrus deciding whether or not to kiss TJ was one I’d been writing in my head since beginning to write TDU, and completed the fic in a way that was so characteristic of my writing that I couldn’t help but throw it in just to make the story feel completely finished.

[onegirllis]

Um the plot of episode 3 and specifics. Sorry for confusing you.

Episode 3 is so extremely convoluted and touches so many sub-plots, previously introduced that it's hard to change a few things only to make sense outof it.

But let’s try. 

Episode 3 is supposed to show us the new Chloe, the more punk, badass one, effective, more self-aware and on the mission, A knight on the quest, who is sent by her princess, imprisoned in a tower, to fight the dragon and find the treasure. More or less though. The oldest tale of them all. 

Although Chloe proves over and over, including the second part of Episode 3, that she is unable to do so, failing every single time. She can’t prevent Rachel from getting stabbed, she is pretty much useless in DA’s office, she gets knocked down in a mill. She gets humiliated for no reason over and over again and at the end of the day the game tells us nicely, that Chloe is a cool kid wearing her father’s clothes, but we need a guy to save the day. We need Frank ex machina to solve her problems. So haha, you played a useless teenager, have fun. 

Yes, most young girls wouldn't stand a chance when it comes to the confrontation with Damon, but Chloe simply became stupid in episode 3. She knows already she can’t stop the guy by herself. She knows he is deadly dangerous and almost killed Rachel so running to the mill alone is the most ridiculous thing she could do. If that was a story about a young boy who needs to grow a pair and kick the big, bad guy in the dick, it still would be a stretch but Chloe has no intention to do so! And she has no power and no strength in the first place, as the game showed us previously. It’s not a story about young, broken and lost girl, who needs to think reasonably what she CAN do to fix this not what she WISHES to do. It changes into a tale about a young man who wants to save the world for his girl fighting with his bare hands. “Think like a man,” says graffiti on Chloe’s wall. Sure, great, but there is a difference between thinking and growing Arnold Schwarzenegger -kinda muscles in an hour or two. In LIS she stole a gun from David knowing how dangerous Nathan Prescott is (and she forgot to take it to the bathroom, but let’s not discuss it here, please). So she needed to be beaten up 3 years prior to obtaining that simple knowledge? BTS showed us she is damn smart, she is not entirely lost and finds her way out either though back-talk or some semi-legal shenanigans. The final moment of episode 3 portrays her as a silly girl who needs a random guy (why Frank, for fuck’s sake?) to save her ass. 

Sure, she can think like a man, but please THINK at least a little bit.

I think the writers fell into “the canon hole” that prevented them to create a reasonable solution for her. Ok, Chloe hates David, but does she hate him more than loves Rachel? Does she hate him to that extent to risk Sera’s life? She could just simply call a trained ex-military, who (as we all know) has a whole arsenal at home and would be more than glad to help. But it would bond step-douche and Chloe for life, so their conflict in LIS would look ridiculous or needed an extra explanation why the hell they still hate each other. 

So I’m gonna give you another, more grim solution.

The game suggests that Rachel manipulates people, not necessarily because she is so calculated, but that’s how she taught by her father, watching him every day. I would let Chloe pick it up from her, unintentionally of course, as something natural that she learns from Rachel and use Elliot in the final confrontation. Call him up, ask for help, let him do the dirty work for her, not because she is a bad person, but simply she cannot do it herself and she is very, very desperate. The guy is in love with her, would like to prove his commitment, so why not ironically use him, to solve the problem with Damon and Sera. Then his angry outburst and accusing Chloe of being under Rachel’s bad influence would make more sense. “You used me just like she is using you” He could yell and you could actually feel for the guy, since now Elliot is just a distraction, a level to pass, a mini-boss to confront, instead of a human being. And it would leave the player with more things to wonder about. If we really need Elliot in this story though. Chloe has a good heart so she would feel like shit afterward, maybe even questioning Rachel’s methods a little, but then again - original LIS doesn't let her question much in that regard. Everybody lies, no exception, here you are.

Too dark? 

And then Chloe could sit by Rachel’s bed, tell her the whole thing and ask “But you wouldn't do that to me, right? You wouldn't play me just like I played Elliot.”

“Right,” says Rachel. Roll credits. 

It would still leave a lot of things up for the interpretation and people who believe that Rachel is Satan himself, could get more ammo, and those who believe in undying love between Amberprice wouldn't change their minds. 

Not that this change would fix a lot of ep3 problems, but would make it more human-like, more emotional. 

Another thing is the lack of any summary, any final confrontation between Rachel and Chloe. Yes, we have the big question (not that big though) in the hospital and then Rachel and Chloe forget how to speak and communicate. And it’s not about a make-out scene, a kiss or whatever the hell but final talk where are we in this, what happened, how much it changed us. LIS didn't need that final convo, but I truly believe BTS did. 

[elliotwarren]

🎊 happy birthday gabriel adams! 🎊 

It was always his eyes that people noticed first. Well. That was a lie. If they got past his skin color, the way his fingers dug into his arms, the soft whispers to invisible things, it was his eyes. Silver, Meg always said, making him sound something special. Gabriel let a smile tweak his features and brushed dark, messy hair off his forehead. That was just as pointless as correcting Meg. 

all art pictured was commissioned by me and are not free to use. feel free to dm me for specific credits. 

I’m about to unpack a lot of shit and get way more intimate with everyone on this blog than I have previously, so I hope you’re mentally prepared for this. It’s going to be a hard read, but I’ve been wanting to talk about this stuff for a long time. 

so almost every year I try to talk about my oldest character, Gabriel. This year, I wanted to dig a little deeper, and address myself as a writer. Within the last couple of years, I’ve had to own up to some shit with this character. I was a bad writer.

“No, Elliot, you weren’t bad! You were just - “

No folks, I’m not discussing my skill as a writer. I’m specifically addressing my treatment of people, representation, and stereotypes.

I was a shitty person.

cw for ableism, discussion of own health, suicide mention, drug use in a fictional character, and general shitty handling of mental illness. 

I’m not super positive Gabriel started as Gabriel. The earliest I remember him was a novel I wrote my Freshman year - in 2006ish. I think I vaguely remember him existing as a something earlier on in middle school, but nothing concrete until later. My first ever novel! It was exactly 100 pages, front and back, written in black pen. It was a blatant rip off of an Anne Rice novel where vampires took over a city and killed and ate them in their court. I don’t even remember if that was actually the plot, but I do remember it being Anne Rice inspired, which is a whole other problem altogether. Towards the end of the novel, I asked my friends in choir class to check off next to character names to decide who died. 

I think 3 out of 45 characters made it out alive. Also there were 45 characters. Many of them had scenes from their POV. Yeah. 

Gabriel wasn’t the protagonist then, and he rarely has been until the last handful of years. He was just an edgy probably vampire guy who appeared at random with cryptic warnings, who periodically would get the protagonist out of trouble while also existing as a side antagonist. He did survive - although barely. 

Later, I had the super unique wild idea to make him ‘crazy’. I took to roleplay forums, where other teenagers I barely knew told me that my writing was good and my character was interesting, and I plagued them with my edgy, cool, sometimes serial killer character that all the girls were into. Sometimes the guys, which I was cool with - after all, I had a lesbian couple as a friend in high school. You know, I was tolerant. 

Made you uncomfortable yet? Me too. 

Gabriel was the troubled white boy who heard voices and saw ghosts, somehow got by as a homeless teenager, and sometimes he killed people but it was definitely not his fault. He went on to win character of the month on a forum based around experimental testing inside an asylum. I was ecstatic. I took him everywhere, and people loved him. Not one person called me out. Not a one. 

My freshman year of college, I joined a group on deviantart, where talented artists I’d admired from a distance were glad to have a rare writer, and after making a nervous start with another character I stepped in with Gabriel. The group was entirely based around the story line, as well as critique and self-improvement. I was ecstatic. 

With the assistance of a roleplay partner - now my roommate - I went on to finish my first novel in years, with Gabriel as one of two protagonists. I still have it, somewhere, printed out in a binder. Pretty sure I left it at a friend’s house. It featured Gabe, and my roommate’s character, after Gabriel ‘accidentally’ almost killed her because of the voices and kidnapped her to his apartment in an attempt to fix his mistake. The novel ended with Gabriel realizing he was an idiot, and heavily implied that he killed himself via morphine, which he was also somewhat addicted to for no apparent reason.

At some point in the mess, I down spiraled. I was upset and miserable and something in my brain finally cracked. I’d been dealing for years what I later learned to be chemical depression, but a specific event in my life caused a complete and total meltdown. I stopped writing. I was constantly making posts to tumblr rather than talking to anyone about how I wanted to kill myself. I stopped going to class, stopped seeing people, and my roommate at the time heard me crying at night more than once. I was completely devastated, and I will never forgive that person. 

Later, I made a bigger mistake and lost someone very close to me. In the last couple of years I’ve come to terms that I was definitely in love with her. I can never repair that damage. I snapped, for awhile, and became obsessive and gross and just a really shitty person. 

I eventually realized college and the situations were killing me, and after 4 and a half years - so close to graduating, everyone said, not realizing I’d failed most of my classes - I made the decision to drop. I moved in with my old college roommate, bummed around their house, and intended to go back to work at a summer camp like I did every year. Except I got fired, for essentially being too old and likely for budget reasons, as I made more than everyone else there. 

Obviously this was really good for my mental health.

Somewhere during the mess I started taking a look at self improvement, and turned back to writing. More specifically, what I was doing wrong. The more I wrote the more I started looking into developing Gabriel as a character, with an actual background I wasn’t making up to seem edgy as I hopped from forum to forum, and I started looking into how to write him accurately.

And I mourned all that time and all the damage I did and how many people who probably silently put up with my shit. 

I spent years writing Gabriel as this deranged, unhinged being who hurt other people. Now I try to make up for it - I spend extensive time reading articles on mental illness, specific case studies, listening to interviews and doing my best to soak up every little detail I can. 

Gabriel is schizophrenic, primarily experiencing mild visual hallucinations and occasional auditory hallucinations, typically in times of stress. He does not kill people - if he does, it has nothing to do with his mental health and more to do with that, once again, Gabriel is a vampire. Like me, he copes with depression and anxiety, born of a situation. I shifted Gabriel from being a shitty, ‘crazy’ white boy to a nervous, wary young man dealing with some shit that no one should have to deal with. I researched therapy, and coping mechanisms, and even found some that help me with my issues. I created Jamie, Gabriel’s psychiatrist and friend. I decided to cut some of the mayo out of my work and made Gabriel’s mother an immigrant from Mexico, and it’s been worth it! I get to research a fascinating, fun culture, and it has improved Gabriel as a character to have a culture. 

I realized, at some point, that I’m asexual - and Gabriel is too. I’ve put a lot of myself into him. It’s been therapeutic, and I feel better about Gabriel as a character. 

There’s been a lot of change over the years. Gabriel is an entirely different person, and it has greatly affected and I think improved my writing. More than anything, it has changed my outlook on everything, and I hope that some day I can some how make up for all the damage I did with presenting him the way I did. People with schizophrenia are no more likely to hurt or kill someone than anyone else, and many if not most serial killers are just shitty entitled white people. Like me. 

It’s been a long time - at least 12 years, if not more. I’ve changed a lot. Gabriel has too. I hope that the next 12 years let me finally finish telling a story about him, and that the world as a whole stop tip toeing around mental illness. I wish someone had told me 12 years ago that making someone ‘crazy’ wasn’t cool or neat or unique, and that I was a super toxic, harmful person. 

I’m never going to be writing a story about what it’s like to live and cope with mental illness. While I deal with it, it’s not really my story to tell. I’m never going to tell a tale about what it’s like to be the son of a Mexican immigrant in shitty white america. That’s not my job either. I might tell the story of being a queer asexual, because that definitely applies to me. But Gabriel is a vivid person to me, and I’m glad I’ve learned proper representation. I’m sure I’ll still make mistakes, and I keep waiting for someone to call me out on something. I wish someone had. I wish someone had said, hey, if your protagonist is also the villain and the only mentally ill person in the story, you’re a bad writer and you should feel bad.

That’s your personal call out, if it applies. I hope not. 

Don’t be afraid of representation of the ‘touchy’ subjects. But do right by them. Talk to people from those situations, read stories by people from those situations whether it’s relevant or not, watch interviews, see movies. If you can’t do right by a culture or an illness or a person, that’s okay. But take a step back, work hard, and just go for it. Don’t be afraid to ask for opinions, critique, help. 

Please. Learn from your mistakes. 

I talked a whole fucking lot and if you read all of it, you’re a star. Good night.

[ohmypreciousgirl]

the keys and queliot

okay, so yesterday i kinda wrote about the keys and how its developing the story this season, so i’m gonna expand a bit about how i’m perceiving the way the plot is being developed.

first of all, the whole quest thing started when the cock creature he told eliot he should go to this quest with quentin to bring back magic. so, fundamentally, the quest was specifically meant to be for quentin and eliot (”brother of the heart” and “parts of one whole”), it was designed for the two of them go and solve together. basically, the writers created a full season to develop quentin and eliot’s relationship and actually spelled it out on canon (”how long does it a quest like this one takes?” “a good season”). 

the first quest, was to find the book and then the first key. quentin solved the first part that allowed eliot to retrieve it. the first key has the power to create an illusion and then sent them to neitherlands - although it’s not canonically established yet, but by observation alone it seems to lead you through portals connected (in a way) to the power the keys hold by the person holding the key. then we have the whole hallucination thing with eliot’s father and, when they’re running away, the key leads eliot straight to quentin - just like the cock creature implied it would.

the second quest was to find the key that shows you the thing hidden and that’s what makes it so interesting. aside uncomfortable feelings to the person its holding it and showing penny, nothing else happens. it doesn’t directly affect anyone but penny. however, that’s the key that leads to eliot and quentin’s next quest that led them to build a life together. i mean, that’s a fucking huge metaphor right there: the hidden truth key sends quentin and eliot through a path that gives them the opportunity to live a life, together. shit, arielle just stayed with them for what? six and seven years at most? it means that quentin and elliot were together, just the two of them raising a child and being a family, for decades. and just after living good lives together, when quentin was finally done because eliot died of old age, that’s when they managed to solve the mosaic to get to the next quest. i mean, fuck me sideways, but all i got of this is that the hidden truth the key unlocked was that quentin and eliot are supposed to be together - just like the fucking cock creature said in the first place. and holy shit, the whole time travel thing could allow them to erase their memories (and make me very very angry and feel betrayed as fuck), but the writers don’t go down that road. they make them remember and have those memories affect them in the very next episode. like??? look they had 39 lifetimes, but they never repaired any of them (makes me question how many times quentin and eliot ended up getting together - which also would explain this whole merthur vibe of ‘parts of the one whole’ thing as if they’re the pair that has to be singled out as an unit, but that’s another discussion), however this is the only time the writers decided to stick with something that happened and was erased to restart again. as a writer, it makes no fucking sense to not work with this kind of material going forward because they crafted this shit since the very beginning of s03 to be about quentin/eliot.

which lead us to quest three that quentin goes by himself. it shows that the memories of the previous life is doing good to quentin’s mental health. like he’s more upbeat and content than an episode before. and it shows when he lets himself enjoy the boat trip. man, he was so fucking excited about going on quest with eliot that i felt sad for him when eliot said he couldn’t go. the thing that gets me about the new key, the one that shows you the dark parts of yourself, is that it doesn’t mention eliot at any point. julia is mentioned and alice is mentioned, but eliot isn’t - and that’s fucking interesting to me because quentin held for a long time bad feelings for sleeping with eliot and margo when he was with alice. shit, he actually told eliot that he ruined his life with alice and in no point of it, that was mentioned. quentin doesn’t feel bad anymore for cheating on alice with eliot, doesn’t even blame him for destroying his relationship with her. eliot is not on quentin’s pile of terrible shit that he keeps torturing himself inside his head anymore. if this key had happened before the hidden truth key, i bet it’d be there, but after a lifetime together? shit, of course he doesn’t see it as bad thing sleeping with eliot, even knowing what really got alice was the fact it was eliot (“our garbage fire of a relationship that ended with eliot’s dick in your mouth?”).

it’s like each of those quests are showing different aspects of quentin and eliot’s relationship, even when it’s not on your face like the mosaic quest. there’s a constant flux of quentin/eliot undertones everywhere you look in those quests, which never happened before. like this feels different, you know? in s02, they hadn’t a lot going on aside the coronation scene, but it’s not like most of s01 when it felt your normal queerbating-y ship that happens in every fantasy show either. i mean,surprisingly, the queerbaiting got blown to bits cause they actually slept together. you cannot accuse someone of queerbaiting if they do deliver something - even if it’s not a relationship. there’s no ‘ahaha they friends no homo here just two heterosexuals guys being bros’ - that one didn’t happen and you’ve to recognize that.

tl;dr there’s something going on there, not sure what, but there’s solid evidence that the writers are building something real between quentin/eliot on screen. and no, i don’t fucking care about what they say in interviews. after 13 years of fandom and dealing with writers i learned that what matters is what they put on the fucking show only, because that’s what is valid in the end. and bitch, we can’t deny they’re gonna do something. that’s the shit they chose to build after all. 

tagging @noe-gg @not-a-princess-but-a-queen @xkyralovex @corbinkaur @thirstforsalt @sadlittlenerdking @theladyandthewolves cause they enjoy me descending into queliot hell :))))))

[neitherlandslibrary]

The Magicians creators reveal season 3 secrets and tease the big finale

Source

As great as the first two seasons of The Magicians were (and they really were fantastic), nothing quite prepared us for the wonder of Season 3. In using the fantasy genre to subvert real-life issues and managing to have a blast along the way, the show is routinely the one that we're most excited to watch week after week.

Ahead of tonight's season finale (the show will thankfully be returning for a fourth season), SYFY WIRE talked with the show's creators (and executive producers) Sera Gamble and John McNamara about all of Season 3's many high points, as well as what we might be able to expect from tonight's Season 3 closer.

This season finds almost all of the magicians not being able to do magic. Even though it's still packed with fantasy, that's a big aspect that's not there this season. Was that a hard decision to make, to go out on that limb?

Sera Gamble: No. It's hard for our characters, but it provides really meaningful elements to the story. It's challenging in a good way. We don't want to repeat ourselves, we don't want the show to get boring, and we need new challenges for our characters to be trying to overcome. Having them walk into a situation that ordinarily they would have taken care of with a spell, and then taking the spell away... it was good for them to have to figure out another way to get through their problems.

John McNamara: We've always tried to say magic is not the solution, it's often the problem. But then you take it away and it becomes "we didn't know how good we had it" until it's gone. But out of that, organically, came our need for the Muntjac, because in a prior time they could have turned into geese and flown somewhere, or we had a portal, or any number of things. Just geographically getting around Fillory was harder. So it was very interesting to create a sentient magical creature boat, that seemed somewhat diva-ish at first, and then turns out to not only to be one of our compatriots and heroes, but can also fly.

Speaking of the Muntjac— one of the things the show does so well is deal with real-life issues in a fantastical way, such as earlier in the season when the Muntjac herself is facing sexual assault, and also in the election episode with the line, "I'm so happy you're dating a bear." How do you think of moments like that? Does the fantasy element come first, or does real-life come first?

SG: In the case of the "I'm so happy you're dating a bear," I'm told that that was a joke that [series writer] Henry Alonso Myers pitched, which was a serious plot point. The fact that talking animals have inner lives and relationships in Fillory turns out to be a very important detail. The question on the table for the writers was "What does Margo do that's so significant that she becomes a write-in candidate that wins and becomes High King of Fillory?" The answer is, she's the only one who's listened to the concerns of the talking animals.

So then it just became what is the most fun and colorful version of that story, which David Reed provided in writing that part of the script, which then we all read and all pitch little jokes and punch up — Henry is often the guy who hits those — so in that case that's what it was.

In the case of the consent of the boat story, again, as soon as we were on a boat, we were like, let's see some f***ing pirates in this story, you don't want to miss an opportunity to do pirates. In this case the boat is sentient, the boat has a personality, the boat is a character, and that started a very human discussion about it. We really just kind of follow our nose with stories like these, and think about what would make sense for the characters. It was a Margo story, again, so this was the kind of story that made sense for her in testing and growing her leadership.

Margo's certainly one of our favorite characters, and now she's High King. She also has, probably, the best lines in every episode. Is there a Margo line that you are particularly proud of, or is there a favorite, if you had to choose?

SG: There are too many.

JM: It's really so hard to pick. I think one line, that line that got cut in episode 2, that I think was just cut for time?

SG: I can't remember.

JM: There's a line about, she's just exasperated with all the weirdness and she says to Elliot, "I'd sell a tit for one day of normal."

SG: I'm very fond of the "F*** Tinderbitch" line. Summer [Bishil] is easy to write for. That's part of it. Many of our actors are very, very easy to write for, and I don't think that she has cornered the market on funny one-liners by any means. I just think there's something about those lines coming out of her mouth that makes it extra-pleasurable, and we have yet to find a line too crazy for Summer to deliver. It's become kind of like a personal challenge, we're gonna give her one that'll stump her, but it hasn't happened yet. She's just a master at those.

In this season every character has been given great chances to shine, even characters like Josh, and Fen as well. We saw her outside of Fillory, something we never thought the show would do.

JM: Me neither!

Were those moments based on knowing what you had with the specific actors, or were they planned no matter what?

SG: We keep noodling on ideas at the beginning of the season — pretty early I wasI just had a mental image of Fen in the middle of Park Square, and so I threw it out there. Obviously in our creative process we all share our weird ideas, and as a group we work to expand them, and some of them grow into full-fledged stories.

But it was just very tempting low-hanging fruit with Fen, that she has married this foreigner and has never been to his land. So we were looking for an excuse to do that. It's changed her character, that she's sort of now a slight hybrid of a Fillorian and a Child of Earth. It turns out she absorbs culture very, very quickly. Not always accurately, but quickly. We've been joking about whether she would spread the idea of emojis around Fillory.

We'd love to ask about a few key scenes from the season and see how they were developed — the silent sequence from "Six Short Stories About Magic" for instance. How did that come to be?

SG: I wrote that episode with David Reed. First of all, blanket statement — the writers' room all worked together to develop all of these ideas. But early on, episode 8 became an episode that inherited a lot of plot and a lot of story. One of the first questions we asked ourselves was how to do this in an unexpected way, and it was David Reed's idea to organize our story into chapters.

From there, the stories started to develop. Penny's story, the framing mechanism, started to develop, but very quickly we realized that because Harriet [Marlee Matlin] was key to the story, it gave us the opportunity to tell a story in her point of view. That just became the most exciting thing about the episode to us, because it was a completely new challenge. It was a chance to make the story emotional, and also when you have Marlee Matlin, you don't want to waste an opportunity like that. You want to give her interesting and juicy material and deepen it as much as you can in the time that you have. Once we did it, we were like, how long can we do this for, and we realized we can see through her point of view for a whole act, and we wanted to do it.

We'd be remiss if we didn't mention the "Under Pressure" sequence from "All That Josh." Was that also a communal choice, and was that always going to be the song? It fit so perfectly.

JM: I co-wrote that episode with Jay Gard and Alex Raiman, who are new writers to the show, who worked in assistant capacities for a couple years. They're very gifted young writers. That was, for my money, one of the most communal group story-breaks ever, because it was just really hard. The story did not have a lot of substance when I half-ashamedly walked into the room and had some very, very vague ideas. I mean, "vague" is being kind, about a story that somehow involves having to entertain an entity or you will die. That was literally, I don't think I had that much, I had "having to entertain and entity, dot dot dot."

SG: And I was like, what if everyone dies?

JM: I'm a fan of musicals, and Sera is not, so that in a way makes her the perfect partner in crime, because she'll just raise her hand and say, "why are they singing?" That is the only question you should be able to answer clearly, unequivocally, and in a way that is understood by everyone. If you don't know why the characters are singing, it's not gonna work, at all. But, stubbornly, and kind of counter-intuitively, I had a couple different songs just stuck in my head, that I wanted to have those who could sing — the whole cast, to varying degrees, can sing — but two of them were qualified professional singers, Hale Appleman (Elliot) and Jade Tailor (Kady). It was kind of a matter of building the story around two numbers, one was "All I Need is the Boy" which is a variation of a song from Gypsy, which was a famous strip number, and the other was "Under Pressure." It did always feel, even in the early, painful, terrible days of not knowing what the story was, it always felt like that was not only a finale number, but that it was a finale number for the entire cast. The problem was they were all in different locations, they were all pursuing different storylines...

SG: ...one of them was in the underworld...

JM: ...one of them was in the underworld. We kind of backed into it given the story we ended up with, it couldn't just be a whole new TV show with new motivations, we had to follow the arc of where these characters were and what they were doing, and not have this huge pause button variety show extravaganza.

For me, the biggest breakthrough, and it was not my idea and I don't remember whose it was, was to make this pocket world kind of dangerous, in that Josh, who had been missing for a while, was kind of in a way emotionally hiding there because he felt so left out. Once you kind of have that, and these party-going zombies who will inflict damage on anyone who wasn't having fun, it kind of began to sort of make sense. A lot of it was trial and error. The opening number wasn't "Wham Bam," it was another song, but we couldn't afford it. I thought "Wham Bam" was great, but it was not our first choice. By the time we got the script, it was pretty clear that we had good, solid, dramatic, and comedic bones. All I can say is as I was co-writing it — and I would check in with Alex and Jay on what they did, and we would merge it together later — it feels like it made sense. I don't know if it's good, I don't know if it's funny, I just think we worked hard to make it make sense.

The last thing I'll say because I know you wanted an "Under Pressure" focus — that was entirely scripted. That was really carefully worked out, who sang what part, where and when. That was partially based on who could sing the most octaves, it was partially based on where they were in the story, and it was partially based on just trying to make it not just a number, but a number that had an emotional resonance. It was really about saving Josh, and kind of repairing a wound in his past that he was brave enough to share.

It was beautifully staged by the director, James L. Conway, who happened to love musicals, thank God... and the cast was game. They were all nervous, except for Jade Tailor, who was not nervous at all. She was like, "finally!" Everybody came to play, everybody gave their best. They trusted, even when it probably felt uncomfortable on the set to be singing to zombies, and nobody fought back. Everybody said, "I guess you know what you're doing, we don't have a better idea, let's try and make this work." I think it came out okay. I was sort of surprised, myself, that it wasn't a complete disaster.

Each of the previous two seasons have ended with a hint of where the next season would go. Is this something that we can expect from the season 3 finale?

SG: Indeed. We hate to be predictable, but we do jump time a bit forward, and show you a whole new set of problems, basically. We set the table for a very high stakes, and ideally very entertaining Season 4.

************

The season finale of The Magicians, titled "Will You Play With Me?" will hit your magic screens tonight at 9PM on SYFY.

[helloandwelcometomariasblog]

Review #96: The School of Rock

Thanks to a friend, I got to watch a movie I probably would have never picked out myself. It's an interesting experience, getting movie recommendations, or exploring the movie tastes of another person. You really open yourself up to many different movies you would have never sought out otherwise. It doesn't work all the time, but there are gems scattered throughout. Now let's get into what I felt with this film.

First of all, all emotions aside, I think it was very tightly written. It had all the acts, it had all the highs and lows, and the climax was pretty much perfectly done - as in, it followed all the right rules and guidelines of screenwriting 101. The entire film kind of followed it, really. I especially loved the 'hero loses it all' part, where (I keep wanting to call him Jack Black) Dewey literally loses it all. The writing was on point for that part. I honestly knew it was coming up, right? But I didn't think it would happen like that. I guess I thought the kids and Dewey would be stopped in some way as a group as they made their way to the concert hall - but they movie really did it in a different way. I loved it. So, story-wise, there was pretty much nothing to point out in a negative sense. It was like a very tightly written Hollywood style film.

Now, the teaching side of it. I gotta be honest, I didn't really like Dewey in the beginning. He wasn't exactly a likeable character. Most films try to make the hero a likeable guy from the get-go, but this film was a little different in that sense. Dewey was presented as a lazy, unattractive, attention-seeking, jobless person who wasn't even loyal or mature enough to pay back rent. He wasn't really a good friend. But he really redeemed himself as the film went on and in the end I did grow to like him. You could see that he genuinely cared about the kids. And yeah, he didn't really have teaching skills in the beginning and wasn't fit for being a teacher (it irked me, to be honest) but he did become an amazing teacher when he started teaching them what he was truly passionate about. That's when I thought, teachers really should teach what they're passionate about. They should really teach what they're great at, passionate about, and have deep knowledge about. That is what makes a great teacher.

Another thing about teaching methods - bear with me, I'm a teacher here - I loved how he was basically doing everything a good teacher should do, and he wasn't even realizing it. He was including every student in the class and making them feel like they were meaningful individuals by giving each of them important roles. I mean, I loved how he was bullshitting people most of the time but in the end he really did care. He was figuring out each student's talent and interest, and giving them roles related to those. That's what a good teacher does. Then he was encouraging them to grow in that area. When you give students an important role and a responsibility in that class, you know they'll be motivated and working. They need to feel important. And Dewey was doing all that without even realizing it. Also, TBLT (sorry, bear with me). Task-based teaching. The students had a project they were working on, there was a specific time frame, it was very hands-on, they were working as a team, but every student had an important role that contributed to the class, and winning or grades weren't even the ultimate goal. It was just to create meaning, have fun, and put on a good show. If that's not good teaching, I don't know what is. And on top of that, a genuine interest and care for the students. Damn, Dewey. You're a natural.

I absolutely loved the kids. I was like Dewey. At the beginning, I was meeting them for the first time, so I was wary and I wasn't sure how to feel about them. Especially Summer. But as the movie went on, I grew to care about each of them, and I absolutely adored Summer by the end. What a stellar manager. I think that also goes to show that everyone has a different talent, and we're all different, and that's good. Even students who may seem out of line or those who seem to have behavioral issues - they have a part to play too, and it's good to try and discover their hidden talents before concluding that they're up to no good (for example, Freddy). I think I really got most attached to Zack though. Maybe because his story was the most heartbreaking for me? The way he was treated by his father. It's hard growing up in a home where the rules are so strict. I didn't grow up in that much of a strict household, but yes there were some strict rules at times because our family can be quite conservative. It was nice seeing Zack break away from that while being in the band.

Now, it leads me to talking a little bit about the ending. It was idealistic and too good to be true. Let's be real here. Parents finding out their children are missing, buying tickets to the rock concert, and then seeing their kids rock it on stage and being like, 'oh wow, my kid's amazing, I should let them do everything they want now!' is unrealistic. A more realistic storyline would be the one in Dead Poets Society. But then again, this movie isn't supposed to be that dark. It's a totally different genre, so I can't call it out so much on this ending. It adheres to its genre and it's a feel-good film. And it fulfills that well. I'm just mentioning it because it was a thought that came to my mind at the end of the film.

I've always loved seeing kids on stage, whether it was students playing music or dancing, so this was very heartwarming to watch. There's just something about kids doing arts. It makes my heart soar. It reminded me of Billy Elliot and how much I loved watching the musical. (Not a secret that I watched it more than three times back in Korea lol) But the true experience was when I watched it for the first time back in London. I guess there's just something heart tugging about kids breaking free from stereotypes and social norms and letting themselves go through music and dance. Truly a tremendous sight.

Oh one more thing before I go - I really loved how Mr. Schneebly changed as the movie went on. He had a great arc, and it was actually quite subtle and so gradual that I just thought about it as I was having a shower. Near the beginning, Dewey makes the kids swear that all creative control will go to him. But near the end, he chooses to play Zack's song on stage. That was an immense change. I didn't even realize it until my shower. Oh and also, I love love loved Dewey's doormat friend. I'm sure many people could relate to him and the hardships of being the person who is always "too nice". At first I felt like his girlfriend was making sense and that she was right, but by the end she was annoying the heck out of me and I couldn't want for Dewey's friend to dump her. And I laughed so hard when he slammed the door in her face just as she was in the middle of telling him to stand up for himself. lmao. I was just so incredibly happy for him when, in the ending, he's teaching music to kids. That's like SUCH a great middle ground to what he'd been struggling with - having to give up his passion for music and wanting to have a stable job. What a perfect thing for him to do. He was a special character to me for sure. Don't think I've ever felt that happy for a fictional character in a while.

[ethanalter]

'Mr. Robot' postmortem: Martin Wallström on Tyrell Wellick's exile

Martin Wallström as Tyrell Wellick in ‘Mr. Robot’ (Photo: Michael Parmelee/USA Network)

Warning: This post contains spoilers for the “eps3.2_legacy.so” episode of Mr. Robot.

Tyrell Wellick might have spent much of Mr. Robot‘s second season off-camera, but Martin Wallström always knew his creepily upper-crust alter ego would be back in a big way. He never thought that his return would include a standalone Tyrell-centric showcase, though. “I didn’t know that I was going to get, as you say, a showcase episode,” the Swedish actor tells Yahoo Entertainment. “I talked to Sam [Esmail] before Season 3 began and he said, ‘Episode 3 is going to reveal where he’s been.’ I was psyched, because there are so many things happening and he’s put in so many awkward situations.”

Bridging the gap between the end of Season 1 (when Tyrell and Elliot launch the Five/Nine hack) and the end of Season 2 (when Tyrell shoots Elliot point blank), “eps3.2_legacy.so” shows Wellick being spirited out of New York by Dark Army fixer Irving (Bobby Cannavale). Kept isolated in a remote cabin, the former E Corp ladder-climber is reduced to being a mere bystander to the cataclysmic events he set in motion, unable to contact his wife, Joanna (Stephanie Corneliussen), or their newborn son. By the end of the hour, he’s out of his enforced exile and back to being a big player in the still-unfolding plot.

We spoke with Wallström about filling in Tyrell’s missing history and why he loves being mistaken for Christian Slater.

Before you got the script for this episode, did you have your own idea of what happened to Tyrell during his absence from the show? I did, but the funny thing is that as soon as I read this full script, I totally forgot what it was! [Laughs] I did have this idea that he’d be hiding, but I thought that he’d be hiding further away from the epicenter [of Five/Nine]. But hey, I think it’s super-smart to hide close.

The first scene in the arcade plays into a theory that fans have had for a long time — that Tyrell is yet another aspect of Elliot’s personality. Many people wondered during Season 2 whether he was just in Elliot’s imagination. I think it’s proven itself over and over that it might not be that way. In that particular scene, there’s so many things happening in terms of what they’re trying to do on the night of the hack. Then he’s almost shot, and saved by what he thinks is some kind of divine intervention. There are so many things happening, it’s almost like a short film. It’s one of the most complex scenes I’ve ever been in.

That arcade encounter was originally part of the Season 1 finale. What was it like to step back into a scene you had already filmed? Rami [Malek] and I talked about it. We said it was like Christmas, because it’s something we do every year! That scene in the arcade has been in all three seasons, including the end of Season 1 and the beginning of Season 2. I’ll be happy to return to that scene again! The story evolves through each season, so we’re further into it each time. Last season, we had to do a scene from Season 1 where Tyrell and Elliot are in a car together, and we had to match the shots. That was trickier.

You also get the opportunity to go head-to-head with Christian Slater in that scene as the angrier, more intense Mr. Robot we’ve seen this season. We definitely have some more scenes together this season, and he has this kind of energy where we can be very rough to each other, but in a very respectful way. Tyrell wants to be the alpha, and Mr. Robot is Elliot’s alpha side. Christian is also, like, the most fit guy I’ve ever seen. He’ll do 50 push-ups before each take! I’m not kidding. Now that Mr. Robot is more [present] and not trying to convince Elliot that he needs to do this or that, he just goes for it. Mr. Robot has his own clear path and he’s going down that highway really fast.

Was the house that serves as Tyrell’s “prison” a set or an actual location? It’s one location; it’s located in a national park. But the set decorators did such a good job [making it ours]. What was nice is that for the last two seasons I’ve always been in expensive suits and ties. So now, going the opposite way, it changes the way Tyrell behaves. It was wonderful to just be in that environment and chop all that wood.

Your encounter with Wallace Shawn, who guests as an interrogator, is a standout sequence in the episode. What are your memories of shooting that scene? Everyone who had read the script would say, “Wow, this scene. This scene!” Because it’s a long scene, and it’s very specific and based on all these small things that Wally and I had to do. He had to do the writing and keep the pace, and I can only answer his questions, basically. I think we did every take of that scene three times; we had a reset point where we’d start again, and then we went to the end where he confesses. Every take was a couple of minutes, and there was a lot of pressure. Wally is such a nice guy; he almost looks like the Monopoly Man with that mustache. I asked Sam if it was a little Twin Peaks-y, and he was like, “Maybe.”

That sequence feels very theatrical, which complements Wallace Shawn’s legacy as a stage performer and playwright. We talked about his playwriting on set, and he told me that he’d been to Sweden to do his plays. It was so interesting to get to know him. Bobby always said that Wally is a legend in the business, so I’m honored having been interrogated by this man. And I almost didn’t confess! [Laughs]

For Tyrell’s escape attempt, do you think he realistically had any hope of getting away? Or was it just a desperate act by a desperate man? We talked a lot about that. He’s obviously safe where he is, but at that point, he realizes that he’s being used for other purposes than what he agreed to. The only way for him to get what he wants is to get in touch with Elliot and finish what they started. What’s interesting about Tyrell is that he can never just settle for the place in the hierarchy where he’s supposed to be. He has to challenge people; when he goes into a room, he’s thinking, “What’s the battle and how can I win here?” That’s just his nature. So being captured in this sense is the worst thing he can think of, so escaping is like his own private revolution.

How do you think he’ll react when he learns of Joanna’s death? There’s going to be an impact from that this season. I can guarantee you that he will learn this actually happened. You know, when people come up and talk to me about Tyrell, they always say, “He’s so strange.” And then there’s this two-second pause and they go, “But his wife!” It’s a testament to the impact Stephanie [Corneliussen] made in the part. The funny thing is, she’s such a nice, warm person [in real life]. I can attest to that!

To that point, what’s the comment you’ve received from fans about Tyrell that you’ve liked the most? There was a funny one back in Season 1. During a lunch break, a woman came up to me with a pen and paper and asked, “Are you Christian Slater?” And I just thought, “There are so many levels to that!” [Laughs] It’s also the greatest compliment ever. If I went around with people thinking I was Christian Slater, I’d be happy every day.

The tragedy of Joanna’s death is compounded by their son being taken away and hidden. As a dad myself, I’ll really feel for Tyrell when he makes that discovery. It’s something to, as you say, feel for a person like Tyrell. To be honest, he’s not a nice person! He’s not someone you would go on a road trip with. But because the writing is so good, hopefully the audience will feel for him. I like when it’s contradictory; when you start feeling for someone that you actually hate, or vice versa.

We learn at the end of the episode that Tyrell wasn’t saved from being shot in the arcade due to any kind of miracle or divine intervention — it was just a squib that misfired. How is that realization going to affect him going forward? I think we all twist and turn our faith and reality so it fits how you want it to be. So for sure this affects him. But he could also still see it as divine intervention in a way, in the fact that Elliot wanted to kill him, but he managed to persuade him not to. Maybe that’s what’s divine. Going forward, I think he’s just going full steam ahead on making sure this plan is going to go through. That’s his main objective. That’s how he can manage to get away, by creating all that chaos. That’s how he can get out of this prison, and he can reunite with his family and start over.

Mr. Robot airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on USA.

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[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2019, Part V

(Sorry for the long wait.)  GOOD MOVIES

43. Luce (Julius Onah)- For every subtle, graceful moment, there's a spelled-out, maladroit moment, but this movie has a lot on its mind regarding race. Naomi Watts is great as a mother whose unwavering support of her son is as admirable as it is foolish, and Octavia Spencer plays a very real type that I hadn't seen in a movie, a teacher who uses her students to validate her own worldview. The film takes a long time to judge its characters, to the point that the title character could have done none of the things he's accused of (unlikely), some of the things he's accused of (likely), or all of the things he's accused of (unlikely). The dialogue is sometimes theatrical, but thankfully, so is the ambiguity. 42. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (Marielle Heller)- I appreciated the deft touch of Marielle Heller--stuff works in this movie that would look silly on the page--but I wasn't fully connecting. That is, until Chris Cooper got a tear lodged in the corner of his eye and said: "It's not fair. I was just starting to figure out how to live my life." That achieved what it was supposed to achieve. 41. Little Women (Greta Gerwig)- Gerwig takes chances with the structure, and it takes a long time for that gambit to pay off. Once it does though, such as when Jo comes downstairs to see a hearty Beth, which is only there to contrast Jo coming downstairs minutes later to an empty kitchen without Beth, the reinvention pays dividends. I liked whenever the film was winking at the audience, showing its own strings, but that first half was a lot of "Amy, you're Amy, right? And the audience can tell us apart, right, Amy?" The Chalamet-Pugh scenes, to use a phrase that a Sacramentonian like Gerwig might approve of, just hit different. Especially in the scene that most directly addresses Alcott's division between obligation and personal responsibility, their chemistry crackles. Can someone please cast those two as reporters stepping over each other while trying to crack the same scoop? Please? 40. Dark Waters (Todd Haynes)- In the Todd Haynes filmography, this is an effective if weird entry: He makes the procedural, research-based parts of a legal thriller exciting while the actual courtroom stuff falls flat. And it's a strange challenge for a director with such a sumptuous eye for design to capture the flat textures of Cincinnati office space or the sacky suits of a guy who is consumed by a case. That being said, the film is a work of conscience and compassion. It's no small feat to call out DuPont by name over a hundred times. The first half moves nimbly. When it works, such as the creative montage that explains Teflon to the audience, it resists the crutches of its genre. But the story suffers from having to compress so many years in the second half. Those broad strokes affect both the supporting performances--only Tim Robbins is able to sell his character's change of heart in limited screen time--and tone. Sometimes the "None of this matters" scenes are right next to the "Maybe I've made a difference" scenes, and it's jarring. 39. One Child Nation (Nanfu Wang)- It's a cool trick for something so handmade and personal to also stand in as a story of a country. And it's as affecting as you would imagine images of discarded fetuses would be. If I sound dismissive though, it's because I don't know quite to do with this. China...sucks? 38. Ford v. Ferrari (James Mangold)- Hard to argue with the craftsmanship of a film that cares so much about its structure on a scene-by-scene level. Ford v. Ferrari is two-and-a-half hours (four hours on TNT every Sunday forever), but, if anything, the forty minutes dedicated to Le Mans could be longer. Josh Lucas nearly tanks the thing with his smugness, but the other performances are fun. My take on why the film is a guide for being a Republican is still charging.

37. Us (Jordan Peele)- Us made $70 million in its opening weekend, which is a lot for a David Lynch movie. It's amazing that a film this artsty and accusatory toward its audience (Us=U.S.) is immensely popular. The imagery of Us is arresting (and so so funny). Within the first two shots, you know you're in good hands, and my Tumblr feed is going to be full of, say, Elisabeth Moss, whose expressions are the best effect in movies, giving herself a smile with scissors. Scissors that always create a division in their "tethered" subject, that are handled by Freddy Krueger gloves that are clearly an influence on Jordan Peele, that make construction paper cut-outs that mirror the bougie family decal on the back of the Wilson Family's station wagon. This device is a thought-out visual component. But Us is all too often a subtext in search of a text. When we really start to unpack the shadow people, they might not even make literal sense. I say this as I plan a second viewing that the movie deserves. On one hand, I admire Peele's search for a metaphor for political division or homelessness or late capitalism. On the other hand, a metaphor for everything is a metaphor for nothing. 36. Richard Jewell (Clint Eastwood)- Like most Eastwood directorial efforts, things are a little too neat and fixed in the setup: This character saying something a bit too on-the-nose and biographical, those characters probably not being in the same place at the same time. And the female characters, especially Olivia Wilde's rapacious, promiscuous Kathy, would have felt out of place thirty years ago, let alone now. There's barely anything on the page for her, and, to be honest, I don't think she does much with what she was given. Once the film settles into what it's actually about though, the drama is graceful and potent. The attorney-client relationship is specific and interesting, and in a less loaded year, Paul Walter Hauser and Sam Rockwell would be clearing their mantles. Hauser, in particular, is great, free of any of the vanity that might go into making Jewell more perceptive or self-aware. 35. The Peanut Butter Falcon (Tyler Nilson and Michael Schwartz)- Derivative of even something like Mud from a few years ago, poisoned by an abrupt ending, but ultimately sweet as hell. Shia and Dakota play off each other with Movie Star fireworks, so the film kicks into a different gear when they're together. The scene in which LaBoeuf stands at the Salt Water Redneck's screen door is a heartbreaker. 34. Pain and Glory (Pedro Almodovar)- A little less formally inventive than I was expecting, Pain and Glory is mostly good and sometimes great, especially in the heartbreaking Federico sequence. In another mother-son story, one that brings up the word "autofiction" without prompting, Banderas is even styled to look like Almodovar. This might be his first "old man" role, and he wears it well. 33. Where’s My Roy Cohn? (Matt Trynauer)- The Donald Trump section, the one that all of Cohn's situational morality and empty power-grubbing had been leading to all along, is illuminating because it goes deep into specific deals. (And because the relationship is recent enough for the interview subjects to have first-hand knowledge.) I wish that Trynauer had slowed down that much elsewhere--especially to get to the bottom of the frog collection. But if the object is to get you to go, "What an asshole," then mission accomplished. 32. The Lighthouse (Robert Eggers)- Eggers lays the doubling on pretty thick in the last half-hour, but he goes to great lengths to make this like nothing you've ever seen or heard before otherwise. He's a filmmaker who cares deeply about the composed image on a shot by shot and possibly a frame by frame level. The Lighthouse was less thematically rich than its predecessor, but I'm pretty sure I felt as confined and unnerved (and as tickled by the salty dialogue) as I was supposed to. 31. Amazing Grace (Sydney Pollack and Alan Elliot)- Amazing Grace is one of the best reviewed movies of the year, in part because no one is going to say that listening to Aretha Franklin sing is a bad experience. It's not. But she's stationary as a performer, and I would be lying if I said that the movie didn't get tedious. In its best moments though, one of which is Aretha's dad wiping sweat off her face while she ignores him and plays the piano, it's high, high art. 30. The Inventor: Out for Blood in Silicon Valley (Alex Gibney)- A typically solid Gibney effort: never boring, articulate in its aims, poised to expose fraud for the public good. The film builds quite a bit of momentum as it gauges Elizabeth Holmes on the scale of American showmanship and Silicon Valley's fake-it-till-you-make-it ethos, and its strangest moments are its best. (See: The C.E.O. and C.O.O. giddily jumping on a bounce house because one of their two hundred tests got approved by the FDA.) I like that no one explicitly comments on Holmes's looks, using words like "captivating" or "presence" instead, letting her undue influence on men hang over the proceedings the same way it did in real life. There's a lot left unsaid about how she might have been held back but then pushed forward, underestimated until she was overestimated, because of the lack of women in her field. At the same time, the film repeats itself and ties itself into knots by insisting that Holmes is a complicated figure. She's a person so driven by a desire for greatness that she can't listen to reason or admit defeat. Are we sure that's revolutionary or unique? 29. Dragged Across Concrete (S. Craig Zahler)- A) All of S. Craig Zahler's movies are above average in execution and downright special in aspiration. B) All of S. Craig Zahler's movies are too long. C) If S. Craig Zahler's movies were not long, they would not be special.The guy keeps introducing characters and threads, but each one is interesting, and I keep rolling with him. (Until the Jennifer Carpenter subplot, which is ten minutes of emotional manipulation.) That same critical tangle extends to the idea of whether or not this movie endorses the racism that it depicts. I thought it did until I didn't, and maybe that wishy-washiness--dingy, dingy wishy-washiness--is what I'm supposed to feel. 28. Honey Boy (Alma Har’el)- Honey Boy isn't much of a movie, but it is an exorcism. Especially in the Lucas Hedges rehab arc that we've seen a million times, the story is thin. The film's reason to exist is emotional catharsis though, and it has that in spades. It's worth seeing for the traumatic three-way phone conversation alone. Hedges banks another good performance in what is basically a Shia impression: falsely gruff voice, t-shirt collar in mouth, crew socks peeking out of combat boots. But what LaBoeuf himself is doing is a force of nature. His performance in American Honey was my previous favorite, and he taps into the inverse of that charisma here: seductive in the former, repellent in Honey Boy. Most people can play insecure motormouths, and most people can evince pain. But to play a person who talks non-stop as a coping mechanism for pain, and getting across to the viewer that even the character knows he's not good at such a thing? Those are some shades of gray.

27. Once Upon a Time...in Hollywood (Quentin Tarantino)- Tarantino's best film, Inglourious Basterds, is gauged for maximum suspense and audience involvement. This one, which is one of his worst on this first viewing for me, is made entirely for himself. I appreciate that artistically, but the film never stops--especially in the clunkily paced middle--indulging itself. Oh, I get it: It's a film about growing older and dealing with possible obsolescence, but the nuts-and-bolts storytelling is too digressive for me. That dilly-dallying is the point, of course, as the film attempts to hang on to a dying moment, luxuriating in its painstakingly recreated setting and hanging out with men's men played by actors who are at their absolute peak of Movie Stardom. It's a Tarantino film, so it's not without its sublime pleasures. Hell, I'll go back just for that montage of the neon signs turning on. 26. Her Smell (Alex Ross Perry)- Grating in a way that Alex Ross Perry's films have not been before and redemptive in a way that his films have not been before. Over the course of five mammoth real-time scenes--Perry cites Steve Jobs as a structural influence--the viewer is dragged through scuzzy, abusive ugliness right to the authentic final line. It's a rewarding experience that I never want to experience again. More than anything else, the film is an additional exhibit in the case that Elisabeth Moss can do anything. She shined in Perry's Listen Up Philip and gets a similar long zoom here to showcase ten emotions at once. She plays the part of Becky Something like a glass on the edge of a table: that delicate and precarious, useful but with the potential for harm. She screams, she cries, she sings, she plays guitar, she plays piano, and she could probably float if the screenplay really required it. 25. Transit (Christian Petzold)- The only thing I knew about Transit going in was that it took place in an indeterminate time period. And that one studied aspect of the film, the ideological rootlessness of the fascists responded to with a papers-focused isolation, is what powers everything. Manohla Dargis aptly called it "temporal dissonance," and it adds real teeth to the film's allegory. The second half becomes more contemplative and less literal though, and I think it's less urgent as a result. I didn't know quite where Petzold wanted me to go in the final moments. But the stateless throng of people waiting for their number to be called at a consulate? I know what that is supposed to make me think about. 24. Mary Magdalene (Garth Davis)- I didn't like Garth Davis's last film, Lion, because the protagonist seemed listless and dumb and weak. Turns out, Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene are upgrades. There's a feminist bent to the proceedings, thanks to its two female screenwriters and a focus on the agency needed for a woman in 33 to spurn marriage and family to follow a whispery firebrand. Phoenix's performance is uneven, but, especially when he passes out bringing Lazarus back to life, he does a great job of showing how exhausting it must have been to transcend this world. The film kind of comes across as a greatest hits of Jesus, but so do the Gospels. 23. Sword of Trust (Lynn Shelton)- Sword of Trust, as thin and bite-sized as it is, carefully parcels out backstory and deepens as it goes. Without really forcing the issue--Lynn Shelton never does--it becomes a timely and witty story about the consequences of a society relativist enough to give consideration to even the most absurd viewpoints. Toby Huss as Hogjaws is a Best Supporting Actor nominee for me, and I am not kidding at all.

[lacepaint08-blog]

‘Top Chef Kentucky’ Recap: A Chinese New Year Showdown in Macau

In the latest episode of Top Chef Kentucky, the action switches from the Bluegrass State to Macau, where the five remaining contestants compete in the finals — with a few surprise guests as their helpers.

At the start of the episode, the five remaining cheftestepants are clearly excited to have made it all the way to the finals. The stakes are perhaps highest for Michelle, who got eliminated earlier in the competition and then reentered the game via Last Chance Kitchen. “I fought my way back for a reason — I’m ready to kick some ass,” she says. Meanwhile, Eric is proud of the fact he’s been able to get to the finals by cooking West African-influenced food every step of the way. Adrienne remarks that this is the part of the competition where she needs to “start showcasing as a top performer.” Kelsey feels like people have underestimated her in the past, but now she says she’s “here to win big.” And Sara tells the camera, “I’m not going to be cocky about it, but yeah, I think I can beat them.”

After arriving at the fancy MGM Macau hotel, the five chefs give each other hugs and crack open a bottle of Champagne. In the morning, judge Graham Elliot, who owns a restaurant in Macau, arrives to take them on a tour of his favorite local markets. With umbrellas in hand, the chefs inspect various fruits, vegetables, and types of seafood at the market. “I’m soaking up every single thing he’s saying, because I’m either going to use it down the road, or I’m going to use it in the next 15 minutes for the Quickfire,” Kelsey says. And true to her prophecy, once the chefs arrive on the roof of the market, they are greeted by Padma Lakshmi — it’s Quickfire time.

For this challenge, the chefs must create a dish inspired by local market ingredients. Each of them will get to use one cut of the fish that they picked up with Graham as their protein, but they will need to find the rest of the ingredients down in the market. They have 45 minutes, total, to gather their ingredients and cook.

Despite the language barrier, the chefs mostly manage to find what they need in the market. Sara reveals that she actually tried to learn Cantonese before the trip, and Kelsey ends up befriending one vendor who enthusiastically helps her out with a bunch of ingredients, including a bag of mystery bag of white powder that turns out to be cornstarch — perfect for her fried gum fish dish. Although a few chefs struggle with their proteins, all of them manage to finish their dishes on time.

Graham loves Adrienne’s clam ceviche with watermelon, but thinks that Sara’s bowl of raw scallops with apples and water chestnuts is too soupy. Padma likes the flavor, but not the texture, of Eric’s snails with black bean sauce. And Kelsey’s fried gum fish and Michelle’s cuttlefish noodles with Chinese beans both get high marks from the judges. Graham tells the final five, “The person that wins the Quickfire obviously is the one that really embraced the challenge, and that person is Michelle.” A winner of several previous Quickfires, the San Francisco chef is thrilled by this victory. “It feels amazing to hit the ground running, and show the judges that I’m inspired by the things around me,” Michelle says.

Left to right: Brandon Rosen, Brian Young, David Viana, Eddie Konrad, Justin Sutherland, Michelle Minori, Eric Adjepong, Kelsey Barnard, Sara Bradley, and Adrienne Wright.

Carmo Correia/Bravo

After the Quickfire, Padma introduces Jowett Yu, the chef/proprietor of Hong Kong’s popular restaurant Ho Lee Fook. He will be one of the judges for a Chinese New Year-themed elimination challenge, where the chefs will have to cook a meal for 200 guests. After telling the chefs that they’re going to get “a little help” with this challenge, Padma then summons five eliminated Top Chef contestants — David, Justin, Brian, Brandon, and Eddie — onto the roof. Each of them are holding trays of ingredients adorned with fortune signs.

Since Michelle won the Quickfire, she not only gets to pick who will be her sous chef, but also the order in which the other chefs will get to pick their helpers. The match-ups are: Michelle and David; Adrienne and Brian; Sara and Eddie; Kelsey and Brandon; Eric and Justin. “There’s one more thing,” Padma tells the crew. “Since this is the Year of the Pig, it’s only right that you use pig as your main protein.” The chefs have 30 minutes to shop down at the market, and they will get four hours to cook for the event the next day.

After menu planning with their sous chefs, the final five contestants are treated to a surprise dinner at Five Foot Road, a ritzy restaurant in their hotel. During the meal, Sara reveals that she is going to be making a version of shrimp and grits using cauliflower instead of cornmeal, a move that sounds highly suspect to Adrienne. (As you may recall, they have an old rivalry, of sorts, dating back to the Rupp Arena challenge.) Meanwhile, Kelsey is frustrated to learn that Adrienne is planning to cook a pork belly dish with Brian the meat maestro, since she wanted to put slices of that protein on top of her pea dish.

During prep for the meal the next day, Eric tells Justin that he wants to “bring a little bit of Caribbean flavor to Macau flavor” with his curry. Kelsey is worried that she’s overcooked her peas. And Adrienne and Eddie run into some issues with their sticky rice bites. “There’s a lot of little projects that I wish we had time to finish in the back kitchen, so we are just cutting rice cakes and broccoli florets kind of to order,” she explains.

Left to right: Adrienne Wright, Padma Lakshmi, Jowett Yu.

Carmo Correia/Bravo

Service at the party goes relatively smoothly, although the judges dole out a bit more criticism than usual during this elimination round tasting. After sampling Eric’s curry, Padma tells the chef, “You’re a bit timid with the chiles — I mean, this is the area of the world that can really handle chiles.” Jowett asks Eric, “Do you think maybe some rice or something would be good to soak up something like this?” The chef explains that he thought about that, but wanted to “stay true to everything this challenge asked for.” Later in the evening, after taking a bite of Adrienne’s sticky rice, Padma tells the chef, “Well If you were trying to burn my palate, you succeeded.” She thought the dish was served too hot. Despite these remarks, it seems that the judges generally like what the chefs have put together.

“All you chefs picked up right where you left off,” Tom tells the gang at the judges’ table. “Food was really clean, really delicious, and also I like that most of you at least weaved your own tradition into the Chinese New Year tradition as well.” Graham adds, “It was great to see you guys get dropped into another part of the world and another culture, and infuse your own stories into the food.” The judges think there were two clear standout dishes from this challenge: Michelle’s pork lettuce wrap with a cold noodle salad, and Kelsey’s pea with mushroom broth and Portuguese sausage.

Because she used local ingredients that she was not familiar with in a dish that was both satisfying and soulful, Kelsey wins this round. “This is a very real surreal moment,” she says. “Being on the top for the Quickfire and then winning this challenge is exactly the pace I want to set. I definitely have a new confidence since coming to Macau — I feel like I could win the whole thing.”

Left to right: Adrienne Wright, Kelsey Barnard, Sara Bradley, Michelle Minori, Eric Adjepong.

Carmo Correia/Bravo

With the winner of this challenge announced, it’s time to move onto the bottom three dishes. While Tom liked Eric’s curry, Padma had some issues with this dish. “There was a lack of clarity to it,” she remarks. “It felt a little muddy. I couldn’t pick out the different spices or ingredients.” After hearing this feedback, Eric defend his dish choice. “Respectfully, I disagree,” he says. “You can have curries from anywhere, and when you can’t specifically pinpoint what you’re eating in a curry but it’s at least good to you, that to me is a good curry, because everybody and their mother makes a curry.” Tom jokes that his mother never made curry, and Padma responds, “It’s not that I have to be able to pick out every ingredient, but I want some complexity to that curry, and I think that’s what that curry needed.”

Tom liked Sara’s prawns but thought her cauliflower grits were lacking... something. Padma, on the other hand, found her broth to be a bit too salty. Meanwhile, Graham had problems with the composition of Adrienne’s sticky rice and pork dish. “Adrienne, to go and have the one bite for an event where you’re cooking for 200, it might make sense, but I think for the spirit of what Chinese New Year is, it was off the mark for that,” the judge says. Tom liked the dish more than Graham, but thought the ingredients didn’t really come together.

“We’re here celebrating Chinese New Year, and it kind of reminds me that all celebrations no matter what culture, it really revolves around food,” Tom tells the crew. “When you invite people into your home and you cook for them, it’s about as generous as it can be, and there was just one dish that just left us wanting for a little bit more.” And that dish was Adrienne’s sticky rice with pork. It’s time for the New England chef to pack her knives and go.

“This isn’t how I wanted finals to go for me, but there’s not much I regret about this cook today,” Adrienne says on her way out the door. “My future is really up in the air. I would love to go home to Goshen, Connecticut and be able to raise a family there, open a restaurant, and thrive in this community that’s meant so much to me. I don’t quite know exactly where I’m going to head yet, but I’m really excited about all the possibilities.”

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Source: https://www.eater.com/2019/3/1/18246088/top-chef-holy-macau-recap-season-16-episode-13

[otomesweetheart]

Review:  Changeling Demo

Changeling is an upcoming commercial game by Steamberry Studio. The demo is available to download for PC and Mac.

Links:  Website  |  Tumblr  |  Twitter  |  itch.io  |  LSF  |  Kickstarter (successfully funded!)

Synopsis:  After five years of living in the city, Nora Spencer (name changeable) is excited to be moving back to her hometown, even if her twin brother Spencer isn't. Ready to start anew, it doesn't take long for her to realize that the past doesn't always stay in the past.  Strange things start happening again, and her relationship with her brother becomes more strained than ever.  Just when it couldn't get much worse, Nora finds out that supernatural beings exist and that she herself isn't a normal human.

Changeling is one of those games where I pledged to the Kickstarter without having played the demo. There was just something about it that made me feel it would be good. After finally playing the demo, I can say my initial feeling was correct.  I absolutely loved it! The story and the writing are so compelling that I found myself sucked in and unable to look away from the screen. When the demo ended, I screamed "I wan't more!" and startled my cat.  

There are so many aspects that make this an outstanding demo. For one, Nora is easy to relate to.  She loves the beauty of the outdoors and the secrets of the forest. She's good at banter, and she often responds or narrates with dry humor. But the constant tension with her brother and the mystery of her past took it's toll, and she struggles to trust people. She's more introverted than extroverted, but the various characters around her bring out the many facets of her personality.

Another aspect that stands out are the love interests. Some, like Corvin, make an impactful first impression, and others, like William, all but run away. They are all supernatural beings too.  I'm interested in everyone, but my favorites so far are William and Ewan, with Elliot coming in a close third. Both the Kickstarter and the LSF thread have images with basic descriptions, but there are more descriptive ones here:

Dossier-style Character Profiles |  Corvin  |  Danny  |  Elliot  |  Marc  |  Ewan  |  William

The character designs are unique as well, with the sprites having a painted feel and soft lines and shading. Nora has curly hair, and so does her best friend and another character (curly hair needs more representation!). Also, the love interests have a particular style all their own, some being more individual than others. I like characters with a little edge, so I'm glad to see love interests like Elliot with his hair and piercings and Ewan with his striking eyes and lots of leather!

The characters and their designs add a lot to this game, but the thing that takes this demo from good to great is the writing and world building, both in terms of the story and in terms of the world itself. By the end of the demo, I felt like I knew Nora and her family. The world of the supernatural is well researched and incorporated throughout, not just in the characters but also in Nora's surroundings. What really enriches the world though is the cast of side characters. They are fleshed out and feel like their own characters rather than plot devices, especially her twin Spencer. All of the side characters will have sprites too in the final game.

All these aspects combine to make a game that really feels like a novel. Everything is so rich, detailed, and engaging.  It was less a demo and more a start to a good book! The fact that it's divided into chapters contributes to this too.  The demo ends somewhere in Chapter 3, and the routes will split in Chapter 4 in the full version.

Even if it reads like a novel, Changeling is still a game. There are a lot of choices, some that slightly influence the present and some that largely influence the future. There are even choices that shape Nora's character and how she reacts to things. Other aspects of gameplay include an ending collection so you can keep up with the 25+ endings, a illustration gallery, and an intuitive GUI. My only criticism is that the text is a bit small.

The full version of the game is still in progress. Sprites are being created and updated, and new backgrounds are being painted. And the royalty-free music will be replaced with new tracks composed specifically for the game. There are very few typos, but there is a lack of commas (the meaning is never obscured though).  However, the script is still being edited and written, so the demo may contain things that have been edited and/or revised for the full game.

Everything from the characters to the art to the world building makes Changeling one of the most well-written, engaging demos I've played. All the time and effort that has gone into the game shows through in every aspect. Also, the creators update weekly on Tumblr, and they often engage with fans through asks and scenario questions (Ex. How would the guys react if...). They are genuinely nice people with a passion for their work!

I'm excited for future updates and the release of the full game! Even a few days after playing, I am still thinking about the characters and the story. I miss them already! If Changeling sounds like something that interests you, or if you like stories with immersive world building, definitely try the demo and check out their Tumblr for more info and updates!