#and also to an extent the wanting a romantic relationship et all but I haven’t decided if I’m aromantic or Demi romantic soooo

[desperatecheesecubes]

Growing up asexual is actually so funny because all of a sudden people all around are like ‘oh my god what if I don’t know how to kiss??? I have to practice!’ And start doing unhinged things and the whole time you’re like

[unforth]

A Non-Definitive and Certainly Incomplete List of the Differences Between the Qianqiu/Thousand Autumns Danmei Novel and the Donghua

@blacktigersprings commented on one of my Thousand Autumn Liveblog posts, asking about the differences between the donghua thus far, compared to the book - they'd seen the 16 episodes, but hadn't read it yet. After I wrote down what I could remember I was like...ya know what, I should just make all this into a post.

This is non-exhaustive. I am a tired person with a bad memory and a lot going on, so I am sure I forgot things. I'm gonna ping @baoshan-sanren since they're the main person I know who is in Thousand Autumns fandom also, and I'm willing to guarantee they will think of things I didn't, and also probably be able to correct me if I mixed anything up. I'll try to edit this based on new info, if I have the time, and I might post it as meta on AO3? I did that with my list of differences between CQL and MDZS and people found it helpful so...yeah. I'll add a link if a do.

Note that all posts like this rely to some extent on interpretation; what I write reflects my interpretation and understanding of events (...to the extent I remember them...) and others may have read/watched the same sequences and reached different conclusions. I've made specific notes where I think I'm raising a point that's more subjective than others.

This contains spoilers for all 16 episodes of the donghua, and for the equivalent parts of the novel. I did my best not to put in novel spoilers for past when the donghua ends, but there are allusions to subsequent events.

Anyway - vaguely in chronological order of when they happen?

(read more)

Overall, the basic premises of the donghua and the novel are pretty different. In the donghua, there are several primary conflicts - the intrusion of the Beimi/Tujue, the competition over access to the Solarity, the competition between different sects' top masters, and the search for that ring that Yan Wushi has. In the novel, these are all things that exist, but they're not the primary plot, and they're all at least somewhat difference. While the novel has multiple plotlines that focus on different things, looking at it as a whole, the main plot is a political one about control of the Empire, and how different sects are pulled into that conflict as a result of how the Emperor relates to Confucian, Daoist, and Buddhist sects. Which tradition each sect follows is much more important and relevant in the novel. The Beimi/Tujue plot is still relevant and involved, but it's just one thread in the political milieu. The Solarity, which has different and long name in the novel that I never remember - it's like, "the complete works of (some master who's name isn't in my brain" - is in six volumes, and it's definitely still important, but it's importance kinda fades as the novel progresses (though it's still a main piece at the point where the donghua leaves off). The ring is basically non-existent in the novel - instead of it being in Yan Wushi's possession, it's in the possession of the woman who's birthday party Shen Qiao goes to (...Madam Su? Might be her name? I'm sorry, I'm not great with names, and I usually rely on fandom wikis but this one is sparse) - in the novel, she was a disciple of Hulugu, and then she stole the ring and returned to the Empire. That other Beimi/Tujue disciple (...Dong something??) takes it back and returns with it to his clan, if I recall correctly, so it can be used to unify those clans to make war against the Empire.

In the donghua, Yan Wushi is just...generally portrayed as pretty nice, and the YanShen vibes start pretty early - there's an early sign of playful flirting from Yan Wushi that actually seems sincere? At least it did to me. As a result, the YanShen vibes feel a lot stronger than they do in the novel at a similar point in the narrative. In the novel...I'd personally say Yan Wushi has zero interest, romantically or sexually, until well after where the donghua left off, and their relationship isn't canon until nearly the very end, and is always left more implied than...outright. I would personally say that in the novel, Shen Qiao has some feels for Yan Wushi pre-Sang Jingxing, but Yan Wushi doesn't reciprocate (except maybe at a deep level he refuses to acknowledge). It's not until he's healing post-almost-dying (as in, during the time immediately after when the donghua leaves off - I'm trying to be vague to avoid giving spoilers to people who haven't read it) that there start to be some real clear signs that Yan Wushi may have caught some feels, and even then it's complicated. They're complicated. They're also complicated. It's part of what I love about them, lol.

In the donghua, the fight between Shen Qiao and Kunye is shown "on screen" instead of only being described afterwards, and it's revealed almost right away that Shen Qiao was poisoned. Also, a lot of people help Kunye and they all fight Shen Qiao together. In the novel, this fight is off-screen. It's strictly a one-on-one battle between Shen Qiao and Kunye, and the reader doesn't learn that Shen Qiao lost due to poisoning until Shen Qiao goes to Mount Xuandu to confront Yu Ai.

In both the donghua and the novel, when Yan Wushi is trying to turn Shen Qiao evil, he sets up a mission for Shen Qiao and Yu Shengyan, The object of this mission is to kill a family that serves the Hehuan Sect. Shen Qiao refuses to participate, and helps them escape. In the donghua, they don't actually escape, and the "they serve Hehuan" thing turns out to be a ruse; they actually serve Yan Wushi. In the novel, they're actually Hehuan spies, and Shen Qiao still helps them, and they actually escape.

(RAPE MENTION TRIGGER WARNING) In the donghua, Chen Gong betrays Shen Qiao when that jerk noble whose name I can't remember right now (and it's not in the wiki, god the wiki is so slim, I wish I had time to help with that) hunts him for sport, and he doesn't want to die. In the novel, Chen Gong betrays Shen Qiao when that same jerk noble, who as a reputation for using pretty boys as sex slaves, tries to kidnap Chen Gong as a sex slave, and Chen Gong is like, "no no you don't want to fuck me, I know someone WAY prettier for you to rape." (The fall out remains the same in both - Shen Qiao beats up the guy, nothing bad happens to him, and he and Chen Gong part ways).

In the donghua, Shen Qiao goes to confront Yu Ai at Mount Xuandu by like. Literally walking up to the front gate. And then all the disciples for some reason get mad that Yan Wushi comes, even though he...also walked up to their front gate. Why do they even have a gate??? In the novel, Shen Qiao uses a super sneaky back way, only known to disciples, and so it actually makes some kind of sense when Yu Ai et al are like SHEN QIAO WHY ARE YOU SHOWING THE EVIL GUY OUR BACK DOOR?

(NOTE this one relies more on subtext and thus is very open to interpretation. What's written here reflects my personal interpretation, and others may disagree). In the donghua, when Yan Wushi hands Shen Qiao over to Sang Jingxing, they have a chat that heavily implies that Yan Wushi is kinda-sorta-not-so-secretly thinking that Shen Qiao could win a fight (and is probably expecting Shen Qiao to do so by using the demonic core that has been implanted in him). Sang Jingxing also says things that indicate that he thinks that Yan Wushi is setting a trap for him. In the novel, while it's never all that clear what Yan Wushi's motivations are, it becomes pretty clear by the point of the Sang Jingxing fight that Yan Wushi was serious when he said he didn't care about Shen Qiao, didn't consider him worthy, and doesn't care what happens to him. He definitely handed over Shen Qiao with every intention of Shen Qiao getting tortured and raped, and had no interest in saving him. Shen Qiao only becomes interesting to Yan Wushi afterwards. Yan Wushi is never only playing one game, so he may have thought that being pushed into a corner would force Shen Qiao to use the demonic core, but it also seemed to me like he genuinely didn't care - he'd gotten bored, and was done playing with the "new toy" that was Shen Qiao.

In the donghua, there is a shot of someone - the clothing is pretty unmistakably Yan Wushi's purple robe of ultimate purpleness - pulling Shen Qiao out of a river after he plunges to his almost-demise in the fight with Sang Jingxing. In the novel, Yan Wushi doesn't pull Shen Qiao out of the water, after Shen Qiao destroys his meridians in the fight against Sang Jingxing. Instead, Shen Qiao collapses in the mountains, where he is found by Shiwu and brought back to the monastery for treatment.

In the donghua, Yan Wushi is fighting the four masters who have it in for him, and before the end of the fight, Shen Qiao arrives and tries to help him; he fights the four masters solo to try to keep Yan Wushi from using his powers and harming himself, and when he's about to lose, Yan Wushi...uses his powers and harms himself. In the novel, Shen Qiao doesn't arrive until after Yan Wushi has been defeated; he finds Yan Wushi almost dead and brings him to a small village nearby, where he stays with a nice girl and her...grandfather, iirc...and tries to keep them safe while nursing Yan Wushi back to health.

In the donghua, it's kinda implied that Shen Qiao goes to rescue Yan Wushi because, like...he likes him? There's not really a reason given, just that he wants to, or maybe to keep the ring from going to the Beimi/Tujue? In the novel it's pretty explicit that Shen Qiao goes to save Yan Wushi because he believes Yan Wushi's position in the Empire is critical to the stability of the world - and he wants the world stable, so that there won't be more refugees, starvation, etc. That he also may like Yan Wushi is the case but is almost incidental; Shen Qiao is focused on doing the most good for the most people, and that means saving Yan Wushi, because Yan Wushi is critical to the Empire, and the Empire is critical to the common people. (this is a major part of the political themes that are more prominent in the book than in the donghua).

I can't actually remember when Bian Yanmei was introduced in the novel? But I was pretty sure it was around when Yan Wushi sends Shen Qiao to that birthday banquet? Anyway, Bian Yanmei isn't in the donghua at all thus far; in the donghua, Yan Wushi's only apparent disciple is Yu Shengyan.

[calamity-bean]

harlots 2.05

An episode in which things REALLY start to get serious! Not that that should come as a surprise, really — after all, we’re in the back half of the season now, y’all! In season 1, this was about the point when the merry revels and domestic drama started to really make room for murder and conspiracy and other awfulness (not there wasn’t awfulness in the earlier episodes as well). In this season, we’ve still got the revels, we’ve still got the domestic drama in spades, and we’ve known all along there was disaster simmering in the background ... But by the end of 2.05, I think we can safely say that it’s begun to boil.

Scattered thoughts, reactions, rambling, and screaming under the cut.

Well we started off with another TALLY HO scene so give me a moment to wrestle my soul back into my body real quick!

Actually, technically we started with Margaret, Nancy, and Emily Lacey sprawled drunk on a couch together, passing around a pipe. Which really is utterly, charmingly timeless in how much it resembles many of my own girls’ nights? And this is something I love to see, and we were fortunate enough to see a good deal of it in this episode: FRIENDSHIP. Companionship. Support and solidarity — the “five-headed beast” defending one another, Amelia confiding in Rasselas for guidance and support, even some tender reconciliation between Mags and Will! I’m in love!!

That said ... There are serious fractures in many of these relationships already, and I’m sure we’re going to see even more stress applied. Emily Lacey is a weak link in the five-headed beast, but I can’t fault her for that. She’s in a tough position. Also, while it’s possible, the timing of her announcement makes me REALLY doubt she’s pregnant.

Also did I mention AMELIA AND RASSELAS cause oh my god!!! I’m so happy we haven’t forgotten about their friendship!!! The little forehead kiss! The hug!!

Rasselas’s boyfriend has apparently passed away, though, which made me WEEP and write a whole lot of frowny-crying faces in my notes. :’( The way Lydia has him lay his head on her shoulder would be SO cute if it weren’t, y’know, Lydia.

On another Amelia note ... I have a lot of thoughts about the Violet / Amelia / Hunt situation, and a lot of fears. As I’ve said many times, I really love all three of these characters. None of them have done anything WRONG in regards to this little quasi-romance, really, but it’s a BAD situation, it’s just a perilous and uncomfortable quagmire that is NOT fair to any of them. Hunt’s whole demeanor toward Amelia this episode was incredibly adorable and sweet, but it’s really hard to watch knowing that this surely is gonna end in one or all of them getting hurt.

GOD seriously though I was cringing SO HARD for him throughout his proposal and et cetera ... Like it was honestly really fucking cute and respectful, I may have squeed a bit at certain points (in between watching through my fingers because the secondhand embarrassment was too much), but knowing what he doesn’t know is AGONY.

IMMENSELY pleased by Hunt’s character development and trajectory in general this episode, though. We’re getting so much of what I’ve wanted to see from him all along (see this post and this one): his faith in the law as the ultimate arbiter of right/wrong has been shaken, and he’s acknowledging his moral uncertainties and taking a more proactive role in going after the true criminals. Would have been perfectly happy to see him reach this point without a romantic element to spur his conscience, but I’ll take what I’m given. Still worried about the love triangle situation; still wish he would release Violet from her indenture and pardon the rest of her sentence for such a petty crime; but I’m overall really pleased with his direction this episode nonetheless.

Another big part of this episode was our very own Hades and Persephone. As a ship, Fallon and Lucy are not my jam. As a dynamic, it’s REALLY difficult for me to parse how much of this is Lucy manipulating him, or simply saying what she thinks he wants to hear, and how much is Lucy getting suckered in by his dark charms and letting herself get carried away or even fall for him. His grooming of her continues, and for the moment, at least, she seems more than happy to be groomed. (Though there ARE hints she might be playing him ... That mention of Kitty was a little out of place.) I’d be lying if I said I'd never gone home with a weird guy who immediately showed me his knife collection, though, so ... Don’t know that I have any room to judge her taste in men.

I’ve saved the most significant and least pleasant plot arc for last ... the Spartans and the Vestal Virgin. There is a LOT to unpack here. There is a lot to be said about Harcourt, and how we see him gaslighting Isabella, and how the plan was doomed from the moment he walked into Golden Square — not solely because of the necklace, but simply because he is far, FAR too clever a beast to have been fooled by the way Charlotte was acting. There is a lot to be said the immense consequences this is going to have for Charlotte in terms of both external and internal conflict, and SUCH chilling resonance in Lydia’s line about how, “Your mother was never strong enough to help with new girls. You surpass her in every way.”

But for now, I’ll simply mention the thing that struck me most: The shit Lydia does? Kidnapping virgins? Is literally no secret from anyone in her house. Oh, the Spartans might be, but the Vestal Virgin party is an ANNUAL ENDEAVOR. Every goddamn year, for decades, Lydia has been kidnapping, drugging, and selling a virgin. All her girls know it’s happening at least to some extent, even if they don’t quite know the details or that the “new girls” are utterly unwilling ... But I daresay Charlotte and Mags are probably not the only right-hand girls Lydia’s tried to have help her with it outright.

“Can I play Vesta again?” Anne Pettifer does not show a MOMENT’S hesitance about this party. Her entire mood is excitement. And since, before Charlotte, she was something of Lydia’s top girl in the house ... I would not be surprised if loyal, dutiful Anne has “helped” with the new girls in the past.

[adeadgodcandream]

regulations

Welcome to the RP blog for Kathryn J. Shepard! THIS IS A SIDEBLOG OF @ghilannainguideme​. The ask box is always open, and I love meeting new people. <3

General guidelines:

I am open to RPing with most characters from the Mass Effect universe, including other original characters, or other characters with Mass Effect AUs.

I am in my thirties, and Shepard is of legal age in all her established ‘verses. I ask that my RP partners are also 18 or older.

We do not need to be mutuals if you want to interact! Memes and banter make great ice-breakers and are typically open to anyone. Likewise, my inbox and IMs are always open if you want to chat OOC, and I will give out additional contact info (email, Discord) on request.

Be fucking kind. I don’t tolerate queerphobia of any sort, nor do I have patience for racism, ableism, classism, et cetera. I will not participate in censorship/callouts unless there is a material threat to a real person.

Tagging, trigger warnings, and NSFW content:

If we are mutuals, please tag the following for me: drunken behavior or heavy alcohol use, addiction (any kind), pregnancy/childbirth. Please also refrain from using this content in our RP interactions.

Some possible triggers you may encounter on this blog are blood and gore, food and eating, mentions of alcohol consumption (but not drunkenness, addiction, or drinking to excess), PTSD, mental illness and sexual content.

A list of this blog’s commonly-used tags is in progress...

Sexual content will always be tagged as #not safe for spectres. Any text that is particularly explicit will also be under a Read More.

I am willing to write sexually explicit content with a partner who is of legal age, but I may not necessarily be comfortable writing smut for every pairing I ship, or interested in doing so all the time. If you’re interested in this, ask me so we can discuss it!

I will not write sexual assault, non-consensual sex, or sexual content involving minors. However, other characters I write with may have these or related themes in their backstories, and I can’t promise they will never be mentioned here. Any such references will be tagged as clearly as possible.

On writing/RPing:

The usual: don’t godmod, and don’t force actions or thoughts on Shepard. If you’re unsure whether you might be crossing a line, please ask!

This post is a great summary of the extent of minor godmodding that I’m OK with.

I do not expect my writing partners to strictly match length as long as there is enough content for me to respond to. Sometimes I get carried away, particularly with starters; sometimes I can’t find very much to say.

I don’t use any special formatting, and I rarely use icons. I just care about writing! I would prefer that my partners not use small text, a lot of fancy characters/font changes, or extra spaces.

I’m open to RPing via Discord or email, pending discussion.

I’m a very slow writer and my mental health isn’t great, so I may take a long time to reply. Feel free to check in if you think I’ve missed a thread or message, but don’t pester me repeatedly. If I need to drop a thread, I’ll let you know.

Liking & reblogging:

Please do not reblog:

in-character threads from me if you are not a participant in them.

my personal OOC posts, including repost memes, even if they seem ~relatable~. I will block blogs for this.

Please do feel free to reblog:

ask memes, prompt lists, and so on! Please just send me something from them if you do.

drabbles/prompt fills/meme responses to you. (If you would like to reblog fic that was written for someone else, check with them first, but it is generally OK with me.)

Hit that ‘like’ button or leave comments on whatever you want. It’s really nice to know if you enjoyed reading something I wrote, even if it wasn’t written specifically for you or about your muse.

On shipping:

If you know my other blog, you know I am a Certified Ship Goblin, and I  consider threads with different ships to be set in separate ‘verses. Shepard is generally monogamous, but open to threesomes or consensual polyamory.

Shepard is pansexual, so don’t hesitate to approach me with same-sex or otherwise non-het ships (trans/nonbinary inclusive).

Please do not force-ship or begin an interaction assuming a romantic relationship if we haven’t established one, regardless of who your character is. Ask me first if you are interested in shipping.

That said, I typically don’t mind if you send shippy memes or prompts once our characters have interacted a little.

If I ever discuss or write a ship between our muses in a way that makes you uncomfortable, let me know! Respecting your level of comfort is important to me.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 26 September 2017

With a glass of Vago Elote in hand and a choice selection of Ortpru Q&A to go through, it’s off to the unwanted advice.  Speaking of unwanted advice, if you have a question you need mansplained by a middle age conservative white guy whose in denial about his drinking problems you can hit me up at AskDearDudence@gmail.com.

Sudden transition: My off-and-on boyfriend told me he’s going to transition. He said he let his hair grow a bit long, and then just looked in the mirror and saw a woman. I don’t want to be insensitive to whatever he’s going through, but I don’t think this is a real trans case. The trans people I know say they felt trapped in the wrong body since at least adolescence. Should I express my concerns to him?

Dear Sudden Transition, support your boyfriend as he begins to go through his transition.  Eventually you’re going to, probably, need to have a discussion with him about the nature of your romantic relationship, but that is a conversation you can have at a time when you’re comfortable.  No matter what you may, personally, think of his life, how he’s previously expressed his gender, etc, you really don’t know his internal workings.  Unless you found a little door that lets you into his brain a la Being John Malkovich.  And if you’ve done that it’s pretty manipulative and a little creepy if you’re using that power on your own boyfriend.

While BadPru says you shouldn’t express your concerns I’m going to go ahead and disagree with her.  “I’m going to change my gender because I feel like a woman inside,” is not a statement with a heckler’s veto that precludes people in intimate relationships from sharing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns with their partner or friend.  You can support your boyfriend, be an ally to LGBT people, and still have concerns about the well-being of a person close to you.  Be sensitive, caring, and polite as you do it, but don’t allow your feelings and thoughts to be trampled upon because you don’t get to tell someone what they feel.

For the record I’m using the pronouns used by the letterwriter, which is what I intend to do for any subject related to this particular topic.

Husband in denial about baby allergy: I’ve recently come to the realization that our baby is allergic to dogs. This shouldn’t be a problem, except my husband loves dogs. We have cats right now, and when we got married it was with the understanding that when our cats die, and our kids are a little older, we would get a dog. Instead of accepting it, my husband is in denial and thinks that allowing her to play with and be licked by dogs will help her get over this issue. This causes her to sneeze, get red eyes, and break out into hives where she’s been licked.

Dear Husband in Denial, I started your question thinking “her husband says he’s allergic to babies?  Why didn’t I think of that?”  Thankfully I read the rest of the question, otherwise my response would have been nonsensical.  Next time your kid goes to the pediatrician mention your concerns about your child possibly being allergic to dogs (a concern which I empathize with given my own Little Man).  What you’re going to need to do to get this through to him is your pediatrician to discuss the extent of the allergy and possible courses of action to mitigate your baby’s allergic reaction in the future.  As for your question about requesting that your relatives take some steps to mitigate the allergens, yes, it is annoying but family and friends who like one another are willing to deal with minor annoyances.  You’re going to need to meet them halfway on this by either hosting them more, or doing some planning before making your visits.  If you’re a sitcom family where you barge into your parents’ house unannounced on the spur of the moment you’re going to need to stop.  Don’t expect them to drop what they’re doing to quickly get Fido put into the bedroom and get out the vacuum.

Blind spot: I have a close friend who, though creative and marvelously witty, has an awful blind spot about her “sensitive and kind” personality. She prides herself specifically on being forgiving, but she withholds that particular kindness for all kinds of reasons, and can hold a grudge better than almost anyone I know. While it’s her right to forgive or not forgive, is there any way to gently tell her, next time she starts harping on, “Well, I never got an apology,” that perhaps some things are also her fault? And perhaps, if she’s going to tell people that she’s very kind and forgiving, then she should perhaps bury a few grudges?

Dear Blind Spot, please, next time your grudge-holding friend says “I never got an apology,” mention to her that perhaps some things are her fault.  Then follow up the reaction to that by suggesting she should see a therapist for her destructive pattern.  I can’t wait to read her letter to Newdie.  People are hypocrites, particularly about their own behavior.  We think the best of our own intentions while attributing the worst motivations to other people.  You could just accept that this is a thing your friend is going to do, and is probably going to continue doing that.

How do you tell someone they’re bad at what they love to do? I’m an avid reader and freelance writer, and I’m pretty public on social media about my passions. Because of this, I’m often asked by friends and acquaintances to read their book/manuscript/screenplay, /et cetera, and to let them know what I think. I’ve read some excellent stories this way—but not all of them are fantastic. Grammar issues and punctuation errors can be fixed, but I sometimes see plots with obvious holes, characters that are nothing but stereotypes, cliché dialogue—you name it.

Dear How do You Tell, did I ask you to read this?  I’m going to defer to NuPru on this one.

The R-word: I was recently having drinks with three other friends when one of them told us about how his parked car had been bumped into by another driver earlier in the week. He concluded, “I know we’re not supposed to say this, for some reason, but the driver must have been fucking retarded.” I politely commented that he was right, a lot of people are offended by that term, insinuating that I was among them. The three of them clearly recognized my indignation with the casual use of the word and started using the word excessively for the next 10 minutes of the conversation, apparently to get a reaction out of me. I reacted by telling them that they were being ignorant assholes with respect to people with intellectual disabilities and just plain assholes with respect to me, their friend. The storyteller argued he didn’t understand why he couldn’t use the word because it’s a medical term. I forcefully told him that the word is no longer a term used to accurately describe a medical condition, but used almost exclusively as a derogatory, hurtful word.

Dear R-Word, I’m going to let Chris Rock handle this for a bit.  There, now with that out of the way your friends are assholes.  It’s okay, everyone is sometimes.  If you’d had that same conversation with your friend alone it probably ends more positively, but because you and your friends were in a group, they decided to have some fun getting you ratcheted up.  You said your bit, stick to it.  

Friend is furious I contacted her family when concerned for her well-being: My friend has had many bad things happen recently. She cried hysterically via phone to one friend, and texted me that there “didn’t seem to be a point,” then stopped responding to us. My friend and I got concerned and contacted her family to see if one of them who lives close could check on her. She then contacted us, saying, “Stop contacting my family,” so we did.

Dear Friend is Furious, what I’m about to say is something I don’t say lightly, but Ms. Ortberg can go fuck herself on her response to you on this.  When you read a lot of reports examining the chain of events leading to a person killing themselves you often notice that there were people who suspected there was a problem, but didn’t ask, didn’t trust their own suspicions, were worried about embarrassing themselves or the person they were asking, etc.  Your friend has been going through a lot of challenges, had at least one seriously emotional response with one friend, and was leaving cryptic messages about the point of going on.  That was certainly worth being concerned about and contacting people you knew could follow-up on your friend.  It is far better to have your friend mad because you were concerned for their well-being than hurt or dead because you were worried you’d make the “wrong call”.  Give your friend their space now, if they want to let you back into their life later it’s their call, but don’t think you did the wrong thing for taking the initiative to ask that they were okay.

Are you my auntie? When I was 5, my dad got remarried to my stepmom, whose daughter (I’ll call her Millie) was 8 at the time. We were always friendly with each other, and haven’t had much of an issue since. 

Dear Are You My Auntie, I’m confused by your dad remarrying your stepmom?  Do you mean he remarried and married your stepmom, or did you mean he and your stepmom were previously married, divorced, then remarried?  Sorry, I get distracted sometimes.

You know when you wrote that email to prudence@slate.com you really should have written it to “step@sis.com”.  Maybe she despises second-degree relative titles?  Maybe she thinks you don’t want to be called “auntie” because you don’t think the two of you are close?  Maybe there are all sorts of interesting bits of drama which can be generated by choosing to write to an advice columnist over writing to your own family member.

[fishswimfaraway]

40 Deep Questions

1. What’s your philosophy in life?

I don’t have a philosophy but I do have 2 Latin personal mantras: Luceo non uro (I shine, not burn) and Surge et Luce (rise and shine).  

2. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself?

I’d like to change my level of self-confidence and increase it so that when I first read this question, I didn’t immediately think about what I’d fix in my physical appearance.  

3. Are you religious or spiritual?

No, I’m agnostic.  

4. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

An extrovert.  

5. Which parent are you closer to and why?

My mom, without question.  My dad has a lot of demons and they make it difficult to be around him.  

6. What was the best phase in your life?

I’d like to think right now

7. What was the worst phase in your life?

Definitely freshman year of university

8. Is what you’re doing now what you always wanted to do growing up?

Nope.  I wanted to work with dolphins as a kid.  

9. What makes you feel accomplished?

Surprising people by accomplishing something unique.  

10. What’s your favorite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much?

My favorite book is Art of War by Sun Tzu.  It doesn’t speak to me so much as every time I read it, it teaches me something new.  

11. What is a relationship deal breaker for you?

Somebody who can’t communicate, or doesn’t do so in a healthy manner.  It’s okay if you take time or communicate in your own way, as long as it’s honest and healthy.  

12. Are you more into looks or brains?

Definitely brains!!!  Looks are important but everyone has different tastes and preferences, but nothing beats a good personality.  And intelligence is an important quality to me.  

13. Would you ever take back someone who cheated?

No I don’t think so.  I suppose it would depend on the extent of the cheating and whether he told me.  One drunken kiss that you tell me about can be forgiveable, a hidden affair isn’t.  

14. How do you feel about sharing your password with your partner?

Completely okay with it, but I wouldn’t demand it.  

15. When do you think a person is ready for marriage?

There’s no set age, but I think you have to mature enough to accept that marriage is beyond just loving the person enough to spend the rest of your life with them.  If you have a plan for how you’ll both make a living, where you’ll live, etc, then you’re ready for marriage.  

16. What kind of parent do you think you will be?

I don’t want to be a parent.  I like kids and once I wanted to be a mother, and a part of me still does.  But I have a lot of problems and right now those prevent me from believing that I could raise a healthy and happy human.  I won’t have a child if I don’t think he/she could be happy.  

17. What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner?

Ask for their reasons, take them into consideration if they’re logical, but ultimately the decision is mine.  

18. Who is that one person you can talk to about just anything?

I luckily have lots of people.  My best friend Allie, of course, because she’s known me for 17 years.  She knows me very well and therefore her advice is tailor-made to me.  My other best friend, Ann, hasn’t known me as long, but she and I process information in a very similar manner.  So I know I can go to her and she can help me work through something by sorting out my thoughts.  

19. Do you usually stay friends with your exes?

I only have one technical ‘ex’.  We stayed friends after and the friendship has faded.  We still have each others numbers, but don’t text, although are still friendly towards each other.  Occasionally snapchat lol.  So yeah, you can stay friends.  But it depends on the breakup.  

20. Have you ever lost someone close to you?

Yes, a close friend.  It sucked and it will probably always suck but I’ve made peace with it.  

21. If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?

It depends on why I’m upset, I can really go either way.  Although I usually don’t like being ‘cheered up’, I like having a friend talk through the problem with me, or just letting me vent.  

22. What’s an ideal weekend for you?

Going out and exploring a new area, stopping in a cafe for a hot chocolate and a snack.  Relaxing in the evenings.  Hanging out with a friend.  

23. What do you think of best friends of the opposite sex?

Completely possible and highly recommended.  I have one best guy friend, Darrell, and I adore him to pieces.  He gives me a different perspective on things that none of my female friends give me.  Also he’s hilarious.  Be friends with people for their personalities and how they treat you as a friend, not for their gender.  

24. Do you judge a book by its cover?

Sometimes, but I always make sure to read the back or flip through a few pages just to double check.  

25. Are you confrontational?

No, not unless my temper is set off.  I only really get confrontational if I feel I’m defending something or someone important.  

26. When was the last time you broke someone’s heart?

I don’t think I’ve ever broken anyone’s heart.  At least not to my knowledge.  

27. Would you relocate for love?

Only if he was already in a city that I know I liked.  I won’t move someplace miserable to be with one person that makes me happy, because that would make me dependent on him and could end up hurting the relationship.  

28. Did you ever write a journal?

I did actually.  Never got into it as a kid, but last year as a part of my cognitive behavioral therapy, I was told to write in a journal every day 3 things that made me happy.  It was effective in the short-term but I haven’t continued.  Still have the journal though, if I ever feel I need it.  

29. What are you most thankful for?

I would probably say the opportunities I’ve had thanks to university.  Met some amazing people, got to travel to some amazing places.  

30. Do you believe in second chances?

Absolutely.  

31. What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?

I think people probably see me as more joking and light-hearted, which is only one side of me.  The analyzing and questioning side tends to get ignored.  

32. What is your idea of a perfect vacation?

Spending a month someplace, so I can really immerse myself in the culture.  

33. What did your past relationship teach you?

My last relationship was in high school, so long ago lol.  The last date I went on / guy I was interested in taught me that you can be friends with a guy, try dating him, and both of you reaching the decision that you prefer being friends, and things being chill.  He taught me that people can be adult about not having romantic feelings for each other but still enjoying each other’s company.  

34. What are your thoughts on online dating or tinder?

I think it’s an opportunity to meet people in a different way.  I’ve never tried it myself, but several friends have.  

35. What’s on your bucket list this year?

LOL getting a job would be cool.  

36. When have you felt your biggest adrenaline rush?

Hmmmm that’s a tough one.  I would have to say either my first time scuba diving, or getting my first tattoo.  

37. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done and would you do it again?

Meh I don’t really do many crazy things.  I guess moving abroad by myself to Asia for 3 months is ‘crazy’ to some, but I don’t think it’s too crazy, and I’d totally do it again.  

38. If a genie granted you 3 wishes right now, what would you wish for?

1) No college debt

2) An entry level job that stimulates, challenges, and pleases me

3) An apartment I can afford in a city I enjoy

39. What’s your biggest regret in life?

I don’t know...I don’t think I have any.  

40. What do you think about when you’re by yourself?

So many things lol.  Being alone is a double-edged sword for me.  It’s when I unwind and my brain can wander, but when left alone with my thoughts for too long my brain tends to overthink things and that can agitate my anxiety.