#and also their yearning to be free from them and have a life bhaal would always deny them

[justabiteofspite]

Sad murder princess face last seen after Astarion's obviously fake "I love you" during the goblin party.

The animation here kills me every time. That is the face of someone who desperately wants what he says to be real while knowing he doesn't mean it.

And with Durge, there's also the question of if you're even worthy of love after all the crimes and atrocities and the murderous urges that live in your head. Maybe a fake "I love you" is the best you're ever going to get. Definitely more than you deserve.

[animentality]

bashing my head into the wall until it's bloody thinking about how Gortash learned at a very young age that the people you love most, whom you trust, and depend on, will use you and throw you away if it suits their own interests.

he then spent his childhood in the house of hope, where Raphael teaches him that other people WILL sell their souls and the souls of others to serve their own interests. he also saw that these people don't appreciate what they have.

which is freedom.

he never asked to be in the house of hope, but to him, these other people DID. and it infuriates him.

they gladly exchange their freedom for power.

but the worst part of it is, they're not trying to become the ones with power. they just want to borrow it.

and when he escapes, he swears he won't have borrowed power. he'll have real power.

he'll become a god, and then he'll be free, and no one will ever take freedom away from him ever again.

so he lives his life, avoiding attachments, using people, throwing them away when he no longer needs them, seeking power above all else, and maybe that's a warped sort of freedom to him too.

to love someone is to bind yourself to them, after all.

but then he meets someone interesting. someone he can't use and throw away, or perhaps, someone he actually might find more than one use for.

the dark urge, literally made from the flesh of an actual god.

and they're naturally appealing to him, because they are a storm sorceror of terrifying magical prowess AND a paladin, and they have the charisma and intelligence required to bring back the cult of Bhaal.

but to him, they're something more than a demigod and leader of their faith, even more than a representation of the power that he yearns to one day possess.

they're not like anyone else on the mortal plane. they're as ruthless and ambitious as he is, they're as cold and detached, they have no mercy and no time for games.

they also know how lonely it is, to be what they are.

he can try to reject his own human nature, but it's insidious, that need to be understood. and not just admired, but truly known.

he thinks he can get attached to this one, because they have the same goal as him. they're just as pragmatic, and determined. they would never ever abandon their mission.

or him.

which is why it was so crushing when they did.

and he can like... try to play it off and pretend it doesn't matter, it's fine. Orin will just step in.

it could've been anyone ruling at his side. he was going to betray them in the end anyway.

only, he's lying.

and you know he's lying, because when the dark urge comes back, he actually says...

"after you abandoned us."

not left or disappeared. abandoned.

there's like... anger in that phrasing.

but it's combined with relief too.

like how dare you abandon us... how dare you come back, because if you have to leave me, it'd better be because you died... but it's good to see you.

but I'm glad you're back.

(but you'd better not leave again. don't betray me a second time.)

[crossdressingdeath]

Narrator: *You are not yourself. All control is gone.* Astarion: This thing won't have you. It won't win. Kyvir: Try to bite him. Astarion: Ah ah ah! We ask before we bite. You're cute, you know. In another life we might have been friends. Narrator: *Your hands are raw and bloody as every inkling of your Urge yearns to tear your bindings.* Astarion: Easy now, darling. You've got this. And I've got you. Kyvir: [SAVING THROW] Try to express gratitude. Astarion: You'd do the same to me. Now just relax - dawn isn't far off. Narrator: *The night passes sick and sweating, but bloodlessly.*

I think the most upsetting thing about this is that as soon as Durge blacks out they aren't in control... at all. Like, it takes everything they have to attempt to show understanding and gratitude. They can't stop fighting to get free (even though they seem to be hurting their hands and probably wrists pretty badly struggling against their bonds) and they don't seem able to speak except to hurl threats at their lover; if they weren't tied up their lover would be dead, or would have to kill (or at the very least seriously injure) them in self-defence. They manage to maintain control just long enough to warn their lover of the danger and that's it. Bhaal has them entirely until he chooses to release them. The themes of bodily autonomy (and Durge's distinct lack thereof) in Durge's story are so good, I wish we got to explore them more.

That aside. Astarion calling the Urge (I assume it's the Urge, I don't think he's talking to Durge in this line) cute and saying in another life they might have been friends is so funny. Also the "We ask before we bite" thing. Made even better by the fact that if you tell him he can drink your blood during the day before this event... he will still do so, even with all this shit going on. He takes that "permission granted" thing extremely seriously, apparently. But funny moments aside it's so sweet that your lover stays with you and offers what comfort and support they can through this. I mean, it would be wildly unsafe to leave you alone, but the way they stay and assure you they've got you and Astarion at least (can't speak for the others yet although I assume it's the same) doesn't get mad at you no matter what you try to do because he knows this isn't really you is so good. Especially with how Astarion in particular is familiar with what it's like to have control over your own body literally taken from you; Cazador's ability to compel his spawn and Bhaal's ability to control his offspring aren't all that different at the end of the day. Even with how you probably haven't locked in the romance at this point (at least for Astarion's, since it takes a while to get to the point in the act where that happens) they love you so much, enough that they see this and are scared for you rather than of you and never even consider leaving you to face this alone. God it's so good.