#and also my brain is tired in a way where the creativity is so fuckin low </3

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

The way I get into horror is drawing something I'm really scared of. (Like the fear of spiders or clowns) I feel like if you turn your fear into art it doesn't seem so scary anymore....and since have the fear of the one ocean half of my drawings are based around water it helps somewhat to get into the horror mindset. (To me anyway!)

i would Love to do that, however my fear of spiders is like. they scare me to the point of tears <3 i Cannot look at them much less draw them <3

[tupelooosstuff]

Ramblings no one will give a damn about

To the people in their late 20s and up;

I dont think its cool when you make fun of someone , for things they do or say. Or how they are. If you dont like someone, why are you soending your precious time on them? Why would you make plans with someone you dont like? Everyday i push bedtime off longer thsn i should going “fuck! There arent enough hours in the damn dat!” And the last thing i think i would do, is go for a walk in tbe park with someone who i find makes me lose brain cells. It just shows that you dont do anything of worth, because you can throw your time and attention away in the trash and waste it. You have notbing better to do than go somewhere just to collect gossip material

You could probably say im doing just that, but this is a little sifferent than gossiping about sally sue and why does she use a roller backpack!?? (Cause theyre fuckin cool and save my back from aching)

I like writing and i like doing jt often, it keeps my wit sharp and keeps me creative. It is where my level of creativity is greatest. The more practice i get the better i get at writing. Also, i find when im bitching i write so beautifully. It all just flows and comes so naturally. While i wish that wasnt the case, it is. And, im gonna rock it. We all have our niche right?

This is my first actual blog post, but i olan to post more from here on out, been goin through a rough patch, probably the worst one ive faced in my life. This time it wasnt w my head held high i stomped through the flames. I succumbed to it. Pretty good. And for some time. Kinda pulling myself through just now, it’s been some months. But writing my thoughts and feelings is a good outlet fir me so i told myself where can i write because i xant jusr write in a journal, the narcissistic traits in me make me want to screme my pain for the world to heae. I dont want anyone ti suffer alongside me i just feel like im always silenced and no one cares about what i have to say ir what j do. Just plaster their lavel on me without knowing a thing about me and walk on. Im tired if it. I dont even know exactly yet if im the good or if im the bad. Im so confused in life now i got shook uo so bad. I cant even tell just yet if im the same or if what i went through shook me up so bad im a while different being. In a way it gave me confidence to speak up and just stop giving a fuck and stop letting the side eyes and gossipers shut me up and put me down. I donno. Now idk where im going so thats it. I dont proof read i just post. Maybe ill stop that, just not tonight

[arvandus]

Hello! Happy 750!!! So I have this OC with a singing quirk. She’s basically like Giselle from enchanted where she can control the people and animals and occasionally plants and wind with just her voice. However she processes everything around her as music so it’s constantly playing in her head and gives her severe insomnia. She’s also a member of the LOV so I was wondering what her interactions with each of the members would be like but mostly Dabi. Would they find her annoying or fun? Up to you

Thank you! It took me a little bit to dwell on this one, because the idea is so interesting! But I finally got hit by the Inspiration Imagination, and here we are! I hope you like it; I've adjusted it to x Reader per your request, and I hope you don't mind I took just a little bit of creative license for the Reader's perspective and how to describe her quirk.  I also kept it very Dabi-focused in the interest of time.

Dabi x F!Reader w/ a singing quirk (SFW)

💙 It would be a rocky start at first. Dabi would have difficulty trusting you, simply because your quirk is so powerful. Anything that could potentially take away his free will would make him mistrustful and want to avoid said threat like the plague - or remove it entirely.

💙 But Shigaraki says you’re off limits, so he settles to keep you at arms length while at the same time keeping a close watch on you. One wrong slip, and he’ll handle you himself (or so he tells himself).

💙 He also mistrusts you because… well… as a fellow insomniac, he knows that you’re up at all hours of the night. He’s not sure why, of course… he never knocks on your door to ask. But he hears you shuffling around in your space, pacing in your room. What could possibly keep you up so late every single night? What’s got you looking so exhausted every day as if you never sleep? He’s convinced that you’re a spy, somehow sending messages to their enemies when everyone is asleep. Except he never hears you leave your room. Never hears you talking to anyone. So there must be something he’s missing.

💙 You’re an enigma to him, and it drives him crazy. Dabi doesn’t like unknowns.

💙 On your end, Dabi drives you nuts. He’s an asshole, every word that falls from his mouth laced in backhanded compliments and passive-aggressive accusations. You’d come close to using your quirk on him on many occasions, just to make him shut up or leave the room. Fortunately for Dabi, you have a personal code of honor that you abide by, and controlling people through your singing is only reserved for your enemies.

💙 He’s not your enemy… not yet at least.

💙 You know why he doesn’t trust you, and you don’t blame him… and he's certainly not the first person to be suspicious of you. But does he really gotta be such a dick about it? You try to be upfront with him, to explain that you live by a code and he’s safe from your quirk, but it makes little difference. Dabi doesn’t trust easily, and promises mean very little to him.

💙 His trust is finally gained when you use your quirk to save him and the other league members from certain death. There’s nothing quite like the sensation of hearing the beautiful notes of your voice while in freefall and then feeling himself being caught on a strong wind current, only to be set safely on the ground seventy meters below.

💙 After that happens, he begins to take an even greater interest in you, but this time with more curiosity and less mistrust.

💙 He starts poking and prodding, some questions being asked directly, while others are only implied. After all, he loves his little mind games, and even more so, he loves getting under your skin, especially since you refuse to use your quirk on him. It’s basically given him a ‘get out of jail free’ card for being a brat.

💙 He really, really wants you to prank the others using your quirk. And your little miss “I’m a good girl with a special code of ethics” makes the game that much sweeter. After all, you’re just as much a villain as the rest of them. If Toga can go around swinging her knives from her fingertips, then why couldn’t you sing a little song now and then?

💙 But Dabi quickly learns that you’re just as stubborn as he is, if not more so.

💙 Even so, it’s frustrating for you because if it were anyone else you wouldn’t have put up with this level of bullshit. The persuasion, the flirting, the school-yard level dares… the man has no shame and tries every tactic in the book to try to get what he wants from you. What makes it even worse is that a secret part of you enjoys his mischief. His ideas are tempting sometimes. Especially when the other league members annoy you.

💙 On top of all that, he is strangely alluring, even with his scars. And more importantly, the ‘song’ his body gives off is, well, a pleasant one to say the least.

💙 Every person has a ‘musical aura’ more or less, a small symphony of heartbeats, breaths, and something more… ephemeral. It comes through in the way they move through the environment, in the way the air particles are displaced around them and vibrate with their energy.

💙 And for some reason Dabi’s song is practically intoxicating, just like his sharp blue eyes that always seem to pin you down, heavy lids held up by a cocky smirk.

💙 The two of you reach an impasse in your battle of wills, an unspoken stand-off that never wanes. And it’s upon this competitive dance that the two of you begin to build some strange sense of camaraderie.

💙 He’ll eventually give up on his desire for pranking his comrades when he sees you use your quirk on heroes. But not just any hero, of course…

💙 Imagine Dabi’s glee when you use your song quirk to make Endeavor literally dance as the large man’s face flushes red with rage. It was intended to keep him busy while the League made their escape. But it makes it all over the news of course, and becomes viral online for months. The laughter that the two of you share when you get back to the hideout lasts for hours as you watch the news replay the scene over and over it. It really never gets old.

💙 Oh man, does he like you even more now. You’re his new favorite person. And he finally stops harassing you about using your quirk on the League members, instead finding much greater enjoyment in targeting different heroes together.

💙 There will come a time that he’ll catch you on one of your many insomnia-induced nights. It’s a hard one, sleep being kept at bay by the musical cacophony surrounding you, despite your obvious exhaustion. Your strength finally shatters, and you break down into tears in your room in frustration.

💙 Guess who ends up knocking on your door?

💙 Of course Dabi heard you. For months he’s been listening to the pacing of your feet or your frustrated sighs through the thin, old walls. It’s almost become a lullaby to him by this point, a way for him to know that you’re safe and sound… more or less.

💙 “What’s wrong, doll?” he’ll ask, as he stares down at your tear-streaked face. “I can hear ya through the walls, so don’t gimme any of your bullshit excuses.” Anyone else would hear the mockery in his voice, but for you with your quirk, you can hear the song of caring weaved through them, a hidden secret that you’re sure even he doesn’t realize is there.

💙 He won’t wait for an answer as he enters your personal space and makes himself comfortable.

💙 His sudden presence and that comforting familiar song it brings with it soothes more than you’d like to admit.

💙 But you do admit it. You admit to everything. The fatigue you feel, the way your quirk makes you suffer, and how for some reason, the song of him puts you at ease, drowning out the other noise. It’s like your inner radio is tuned just for him. Normally you wouldn’t admit to any of this of course, but you’re well past the point of exhaustion now, and your brain isn’t running as smoothly as it normally would. So what did it matter if you told him everything? You really didn’t have the strength to care anymore.

💙 “Your quirk is fuckin’ weird.” he admits. Then a grin will spread across his face. “You like my ‘song,’ huh? C’mere.”

💙 He’ll have you lay down with him on your bed and hold you close to him, your head on his chest as he rests his chin in your hair. “Does it help?” he’ll ask.

💙 Shockingly, it does. His music surrounds you, and you close your eyes as you let it cover you like a warm blanket. Everything else seems to fall to the wayside, your tired brain only able to focus on one melody - his. Before you can even nod in response, you’re fast asleep.

💙 It’ll become a habit for you two now… On particularly hard nights, he’ll keep you company and hold you. And maybe… maybe he’ll start letting you keep him company when he has hard nights too.

[adultswim2021]

Sealab 2021 #46: “Butchslap” | March 14, 2005 – 12:15AM | S05E02

Sealab has reached a saturation point where all of it now feels like it’s just rehashing/retreading old gags. Debbie goes through a Chickmate-esque transformation but this time she wants to stop being a slut and start being religious. There’s a subplot where Sparks finds out that Marco used to be in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids, the band from the eponymous TV show from the 70s. It’s a show Sealab has already mined once before for the decent “Swimming in Oblivion” and the pathetically awful “Return to Oblivion”. So, the characters previously identified as Adam Reed and Matt Thompson, the creative duo behind Sealab 2021 are just playing their original 70s’s Hanna Barbera Show selves. To muddle things even more, they bring in the tentacled producer from those episodes to do some light meta humor involving the Cartoon Network. And, in yet another callback, this episode is credited to mcheshpants420 among other writers.

Neither story resolves in a satisfying way and just serve as a vessel for mostly pathetic jokes. They aren’t THE WORST jokes Sealab ever did, but literally nothing is good here. The only thing that I sorta liked was Tornado Shanks unceremoniously dropping his Southern accent, and it being referenced in the episode. It’s not that funny of a joke but I guess I prefer it to them just quietly changing the character. I don’t know WHY, though. I think my brain might be dying, and sometimes I suspect that we are all living in hell.

The Brak Show – Volume 1 DVD (February 1, 2005)

It is extremely weird to me how hard it is sometimes to find high-quality cover images for DVDs. Like Amazon just gets rid of the high-quality JPG when a DVD goes out of print now I guess and just waits for a customer image to get uploaded instead? You know what I’m talking about? We need to get the lost media wiki on this. We need a hi-res product imagery archive. Sell them as NFTs. I don’t fucking care.

Anyway, this is a really good release as far as adult swim DVDs go. Decent extras. A handful of Cartoon Planet and Brak Presents the Brak Show Starring Brak, and Brak Does the News bits, and fun commentaries and stuff. I appreciate they put a little effort to make a fun thing Brak fans would like. Also, the DVD has an alternate version of one of the episodes presenting the American Mom in an episode that originally aired with the British Mom instead. That’s because they put the episodes in--what else? production. order. I would elaborate on this more but I did it somewhere else and... I’m so tired.

MAIL BAG

Good fuckin' news. On the 27th, Adult Swim will finally be able to air Futurama again!! With them losing Family Guy, it's awesome to see them regain another Fox toon they helped save to fill the gaps! King of the Hill came back last month, too.

I actually just learned this today and that IS great news. You see that weird clip where the McDonalds logo is in the corner instead of [adult swim]? What is going on with that? Has [adult swim] started just turning into every other network now with voice-overs on the credits and obnoxious bugs and whatnot? I should probably keep up with stuff like that.

KON writes:

Some Robot Chicken tidbits for you: The Armageddon sketch was indeed written for Harrison Ford but they couldn't get him, I know because of a bump from the time that SKEWERED Harrison Ford for his supposedly high standards. Why they didn't just change it to a celebrity they could get, or to Bruce Willis or someone that would actually make sense in an Armageddon parody, that I don't know. Chicken tidbit #2: The live-action nerd was played by Greg the Bunny himself, Dan Milano.

WOW! I remember at first thinking this was MC Chris, but the delivery drifts too far out of his orbit so I knew it wasn’t him. Who doesn’t Seth Green know? Also, the fact that it isn’t Harrison Ford doing the voice baffles me. It’s such a bad performance, I figured it must be him. According to the Robot Chicken wiki it’s Mark Hamill, so if he’s on purpose doing a bad performance AS Harrison Ford that’s actually pretty brilliant of him.

[thanksjro]

Dark Cybertron Chapter 6: This Sure is a Comic I’m Reading.

The Dinobots are chilling out by the standing Titan, because Slag went and got his ass kicked by the super death wave a few issues back.

Excuse me, Slug.

There’s real-world context for this change- you see, in England, the word “slag” is often used as a derogatory term. Specifically, it’s either used as a stand in for “prostitute” or “whore”, or in more of a generalized “I greatly dislike this person” sort of way. It’s typically aimed at women, which is likely why Arcee said something to him as opposed to anyone else.

This little exchange is interesting, since Dark Cybertron Chapter 6 was published in 2014. Our boy Slug here first showed up in the original cartoon, back in the 80s, and was in the Marvel UK comics, where they didn’t change his name. A good portion of the IDW creative team, including 50% of the writers for this event storyline, are also from the UK. Seems like someone finally got sick of calling a whole-ass robot dinosaur a slut.

Not that there’s anything wrong with enjoying casual sex, or being a sex worker, but slapping labels on other people without their input is sort of a shitty thing to do, especially when you’re doing it in a franchise typically aimed at younger audiences, and with a surprisingly large following in the UK, where that term is used.

Anyway, while this conversation was happening, the Titan moved, and when it did, it kicked up a shit-ton of dust. Astrotrain, who is laying off to the side with his legs and an arm off, offers Swoop his binoculars. When asked why the hell he has binoculars- which doesn’t seem so strange to me, given that they’re standard military equipment in a lot of places- he tries to explain that he’s got shit eyes, and didn’t want Megatron to know about them. This would be an interesting glimpse into the inner workings of the Decepticons and how they view disability, if Swoop actually gave a damn.

But he doesn’t.

So it’s not.

Swoop sees with his special eyes that the guys who went down into the Crystal City have escaped, and are currently trying to outrun the Titan, and also the title of this issue.

Watch out, that typography’s gonna fuckin’ get you!

The Dinobots start firing on the Titan, which does fuck-all, and Prowl yells at them to head for Iacon, since that’s where the Titan’s going. Bumblebee, Skywarp, and Megatron are revealed to be MIA. Bummer.

Over on that weird water planet the Lost Light landed on a few issues back, the Rod Pod gang have puttered into Metroplex’s eye socket, and are currently making a Fantastic Voyage. Getaway asks where the hell Metroplex’s eyeball got to, but nobody has an answer for him, least of all Metroplex. Strange happenings on this weird water planet.

Ratchet gives everyone the skinny on Titan physiology theory- thank god he came along on the trip so I could at least get a little lore to feed my brain through this slog.

So, Metroplex’s spark could actually be out right now. Even though the lights are still on, that doesn’t mean anyone’s actually home, because the power of his spark needs time to actually travel through the body, and it needs a lot more time than the average robot, because he’s just so goddamned big. Humans also need time for their animating force… or, uh, blood to travel through the body. This is why we have a pulse. If it was instantaneous, we wouldn’t, but we’d probably also explode, because our squishy little bodies wouldn’t be able to handle that shit.

The gang starts scanning for life signs, even though they’re not even sure if they’ll be able to pick anything up. Brainstorm theorizes that the water could be causing degradation to Metroplex’s body. Getaway is still stuck on the Rod Pod existing. He’s having a moment. He’s been having a moment, really, ever since he saw the damn thing.

The results from the life-scan come in, and it looks like Metroplex might actually be okay, because there’s a blip for everyone in the Rod Pod, plus one! Hooray!

Nobody tell them about the hanger-on who’s basically glued himself to the ass of the Pod. We’ll let them have this little win, if only for a moment.

Ratchet suggests they head for the brain to check things out. Brainstorm reads back the report on the water sample he took, holding his data pad as precariously as he possibly can as he does. There’s admium flakes in the water. Nobody knows what this means, so they try to call Swerve, who is a metallurgist, for his professional opinion. The call goes to voicemail. Pity, that.

The fellas show up at the cranium, and there’s a small issue; Metroplex’s brain isn’t there. It wasn’t yanked out, either- it’s clean as a whistle in there, all things considered. Next stop- the spark. Hopefully they can get there before all the lights go out, because it’s beginning to look rather grim for ol’ Plexy.

Back on Cybertron, Starscream is asking about the fatality rate of the death wave, which is a bit funny to read now that I’ve typed it out. Tankor- who is our tie-in issue character today- decides he’s going to start some shit with Starscream, even as people are evaporating around him in the medical center he’s volunteered to assist at. Starscream takes the verbal stripping down with a straight face, because at this point, it’s just par for the course for him. Being head honcho of a whole planet kinda sucks, as he’s quickly finding out.

Flatline, who is also here, makes a crack at Starscream’s expense, and Starscream decides that that’s going to be the straw that breaks his camel’s back, as he starts getting dangerously sarcastic with the guy. Too bad this isn’t the time for that, however, because the Titan just showed up at the city limits.

Wow, Titan really said “fuck those two guys on the left in particular.”

Over in the Dead Universe, it turns out that the massive fiery laser blast from last issue DIDN’T kill everyone, and doesn’t actually seem like it was ever intended to. I suppose it was some sort of transport beam that Nova Prime used for his entrance, like the dramatic bitch he is. That’s neat, I guess.

Hardhead’s pretty upset by Nightbeat’s betrayal, not that Nightbeat really cares- being brainwashed tends to have that effect. Hardhead starts slamming his skull against the containment cube, living up to his name and also making himself look like a fool. Cyclonus is beginning to regret agreeing to this trip. Orion Pax punches the wall and starts yelling at Nightbeat for being a traitor, pretty much breaking his hand in the process. Rodimus tries to get him to chill out, and gets a knuckle sandwich for his troubles.

Also, this whole thing is a ruse. Orion managed to crack the cube, and he’s gonna try to get them out, but he can only do it if Nightbeat doesn’t realize what’s going on. Once Rodimus is let in on the plan, he tries to butter up ol’ Ikea Johnson, who notices the very mysterious something that’s on Rodimus’ palm. The thing that’s NOT his forcefield generator, that we don’t get to know about just yet.

Seeing the mysterious something makes Nightbeat fall to his knees, clutching his head in pain. At least, that’s what Orion says happened. I don’t know what happened or why, or why Orion would fucking know what happened or why. Or even, really, if it was Orion making the claim in the first place.

Not even any feet to try to connect to characters. I’m just guessing on previous panels.

“Dark Cybertron” makes me so, so tired.

Anyway, Nova Prime tells everyone to get on their knees, lest he shoot them with his big honkin’ back turrets.

Back inside Metroplex, the fellas have exited the Rod Pod and are on the hunt for Metroplex’s spark. Someone’s gone and drawn arrows pointing in the direction of the spark chamber, though who exactly is a mystery. Lots of mystery going on this issue. The boys decide to see where the graffiti takes them, leaving the Rod Pod to whatever fate might befall it while they’re gone.

Nobody likes the Rod Pod very much.

Also, that hanger-on from earlier is still there. This’ll turn out great, surely!

We get treated to a double-page spread of Escher proportions, as the gang tries to traverse the inner workings of Metroplex, until they hit an arrow that seemingly hits a dead end. When they brute force their way through the ceiling, it’s bad news bears; they’re right back where they started. Whirl, our most volatile friend, takes out his frustration on the Rod Pod, only for more bad news to reveal itself: the Pod’s been rigged to explode by the hanger-on!

And that’s a series wrap on the Rod Pod Squad! Let’s give ‘em a hand, folks!

Back in the Dead Universe, Nova Prime is busy deadnaming Orion, and generally just being an asshole. He notices Cyclonus off in the corner, and starts being an asshole at him too, because that’s how Nova interacts with the world. It’s all he knows.

It’s at this point that Cyclonus gives Hardhead the signal, and Hardhead bashes through the crack in the cube. Too bad it reseals itself directly behind him. Hardhead goes to punch Nova Prime, and gets his hand crushed into pulp for his troubles. Then he dies, because that was his forcefield hand.

And that’s a series wrap on Hardhead!

Nova Prime informs everyone that he’ll be taking them to visit a pal of his.

You know, this reveal would be a hell of a lot more poignant if I could FUCKING TELL WHO THE SHIT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE.

[albatris]

Sorry in advance for the potentially dumb question, but: do you suffer from psychosis/schizophrenia? I’ve seen you reblog a lot of posts about it, of course, but i was curious. Also, if its not too personal, if you do, how much does it impact your writing/the weirdness glitchiness factor?

Not a dumb question at all, you’re all good!

So this is kinda…….. not something I’ve spoken about in a great amount of detail or specifics on this blog? And talking about it directly is actually kinda weird! I wasn’t expecting this to feel weird, but it totally does! So please excuse how long this answer took me hahahahaha

So I mean YEAH psychosis is a thing that I possess, this is a thing that resides inside my brain and occasionally outside of it………. I’m not schizophrenic, I’m more in the schizotypal realm of things, which is like….. I mean, that’s a label that best encompasses my experiences and so far it’s the only label that’s been vaguely and tentatively applied to me that’s ever really made me go “oh hey yeah that would actually explain a whole fucking lot” but like. Bits of it are still kinda wonky. Mental health is wonky, I think, generally speaking…………….

I was gonna talk a bit here about my specific experiences but, like, I really had no idea where to start with those and I don’t actually know how relevant it’d be to this question aside from being vaguely tangential in terms of psychosis………… so uhhhh I’m gonna jump ahead and talk WRITING which is WAY more in my comfort zone apparently

and oh my god this was so many words, I’m so sorry in advance, I have no idea if any of this is actually like………… super interesting? But I enjoyed the opportunity to talk about it so cheers for that! I think!

(and I’m sorry if you were expecting like………… a really short sharp sweet answer, I don’t really deal in shorts or sharps or sweets, I mostly deal in, uh………. rambling)

Rest of this post, under the cut, which I hope actually works on mobile, for the sake of your dashboards - 

So this message was an adventure for me into how the questions “How does it affect your writing?” and “How does it affect the glitchiness/horror factor?” are actually two entirely separate things. I mean, they’re two separate things because I’m assuming by “glitchiness factor” you’re thinking specifically of the stuff in my recent ATDAO posts about body horror and the unreality? In which case………… let me get to that in a moment

And since this post got super long, I’m going to start with my extremely short summed-up answer, and then elaborate on it………

In terms of how it affects my writing? In lots of direct ways!

In terms of how it affects the glitchiness and horror aspects? In some weird roundabout ways! It’s not where the horror stems from, but it’s where the response to the horror stems from and where a lot of my descriptive choices stem from! It’s not the horror, but it’s kind of the lens through which I explore the horror!

AND NOW HERE WE GO………… WORDS AHOY

So in terms of how it affects my writing, generally speaking

boring straightforward answer first:

It’s something that crops up in a super literal sense, just in that I’ve got a fair few characters who are psychotic to some degree or another, and it’s something that plays into how they relate to the world and their specific character voice and how they respond to the situations they find themselves in. 

somewhat irrelevant, it’s, uhhh….. something that I feel interacts with themes in a different sort of way, too. ‘Cause a lot of times there’s, like….. stories about people going on cool magical sci-fi quests, and there’s Stories About Psychotic People, and there’s not an awful lot of overlap between the two unless it’s in the context of “and the whole magical quest was a delusion all along!” which, ew

and for fucking REAL there is so much interesting ground to cover and opportunities for different perspectives and new avenues through which themes can be explored, like, in that overlap of stories. It’s something I wish I saw a lot more of in fiction! Which is another huge driving force in, like, why I write stuff the way I do

and now slightly more interesting:

Worldbuilding! It’s definitely something that plays into worldbuilding and like…. my love of creating stories that are kinda just……. “reality but a little bit to the left” if that makes sense? 

Whether this is something like Undertow, where there’s a degree of magic woven into the fabric of the universe, where things are connected by invisible threads, where I can give opinions to objects and feelings to the weather and the streetlights, where the earth itself has a voice? Or whether it’s something like ATDAO, where reality is coming undone at the seams and the fact that everything is just a little lopsided and haywire is a Mundane Part Of Everyday Life? That’s something I find super cathartic and quite lovely to play around in! I’ve always experienced the world as Just A Little Bit To The Left, and writing was one of the first avenues I found to kinda…. channel and explore and expand on that and put my feelings of strangeness into words?

It’s kinda, like, I like being able to share that kind of vision with others in some sort of way, and not necessarily in a frightening or horrible way, y’know? 

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TO SAY that anything I write is, like, 100% a direct mirror or my own life and how I see the world lmao. A lot of my writing takes experiences and feelings and little facets of how I experience the world and works them into something that’s often more literal and concrete, or it’ll start out as My Thing and as I’m writing, it sorta blooms into something totally different. But bits of it are in there, sure, although they change shape a lot! And it’s definitely in there with a lot of the general overarching feelings and concepts! Yeah!

One other thing that kinda leads onto my next topic is, uh…… that a lot of how I interpret events and meanings in the world around me can be kind of frightening and threatening, and that’s not reeeaaaally something I want to delve into too much in my writing from a worldbuilding perspective? So generally the parts of ATDAO’s “reality but a little to the left” that start to twist into horror and unreality are things I’ve constructed specifically to serve that purpose, more so than things I’ve pulled directly from my experiences.

AND NOW IN TERMS OF GLITCHY HORROR STUFF HELL YEAH

so again I’m assuming by “glitchiness factor” that’d be all the unreality and all the body horror stuff and weird horror? Which, fuck yeah! Despite my squeamishness when it comes to horror, this is one odd little corner of ATDAO that I’m extremely fond of hahahaha

And, like, initially when I considered this question I was like…. oh, this is not something that really has any of its roots in psychosis or my experiences of mental illness. And that’s…… kiiiiiind of true? My construction of the unreality and its contents is a lot of me just me sitting at my laptop going “Hahahaha that makes me physically nauseous! That’s the worst thing I’ve ever come up with!! I’m adding it in immediately!!”

But yeah, it definitely does factor in, though! Maybe not in as interesting a way as you’d hoped? 

So first off, my experiences are something that sorta plays into my word choice and the specific way I use language in those scenes. And I’m also gonna go ahead and say that dissociation and specifically derealisation are also things I draw from pretty heavily for those kinda……. more glitchy horror-ish parts? So for me, my experiences factor more into HOW I describe the content more so than any of the horrid glitchy gory content itself. 

‘cause it’s kinda, like, a specific kind of fear, I think, it’s a little bit off-beat and weirdly-worded and disjointed and it hits your senses all wrong, it doesn’t make an awful lot of sense but it’s still extremely real. There’s a lot of weird or unsettling bullshit that goes on in the unreality that there’s no convenient Real World Descriptive Equivalent for. Like, cityscapes made entirely of soundwaves, the aforementioned body horror stuff in earlier posts, places that are a complete and total lack of Anything where there’s not even space or colour or texture or light, senses getting all tangled up into each other, something being simultaneously bigger than the sun and smaller than an ant, voices unravelling like twine? LOTS OF WEIRD, BASICALLY

There’s no nice neat right way to describe that, and if there was, it probably wouldn’t pack the punch it needs to, yeah? But I love that kinda shit, I get to pull from a bunch of really weird sensory experiences and feelings I have no real way to articulate and I get to use language in creative ways to evoke the same feelings, the same experiences, the same sense of fear and wrongness? I get to draw from weird shit to describe a bunch of weird shit that makes NO fucking sense whatsoever and that can’t realistically be tied up with words

Point is, they’re experiences I draw from in order to Get Real Fuckin Weird With Words

and getting weird with words in this specific way is CATHARTIC as FUCK dude it’s so good, it’s one of my favourite things. This is, like, the dark edgy version of what I talked about earlier in regards to worldbuilding and me painting a nice odd vision for people to share in hahahaha

“let me take you on a nice gentle stroll through my imagination” vs me supplexing you to the ground and beating the shit out of you with a bat 

And one other thing is just……. I’m sorry, I’m super tired, this bit is probably gonna be jumbled and wordy and maybe not super relevant but uhhhhhhh

So the unreality is not something I initially drew from any particular place in my psyche, but it IS something I’ve come to construct in a specific way, and a lot of it is something I build with the questions of like…… “How does a psychotic character respond to this input?” and “What does this scenery draw out in my character and how does it challenge them?” in mind, so I guess………… in that sense, there’s definitely still a fairly big impact? But kind of in a sideways way. The unreality is not so much based on psychosis, but it’s something I use to highlight specific elements of it, I guess, but mostly in terms of the skills it draws out

‘cause like. in ATDAO the only characters who kinda get to butt heads with the unreality aside from that one random dead car driver who may or may not be vaguely half alive in a state of horrific limbo are Jacob and Tris, and like

I don’t ever really frame Tris’s psychosis as some horrible terrible thing he’s burdened with that makes life a terrible living hell 24/7 but it is, like………. something he struggles a lot with over the course of the story, both in general terms and in terms of people not taking him seriously about the Extremely Real Fantastical Nonsense that’s going on and in general being hesitant to trust his perceptions of reality. And ALSO I guess in terms of just…….. the way he relates to the fact that he’s been dragged into some Extremely Real Fantastical Nonsense? And him wrestling with how he’s supposed to believe in something like that when no one else can see the evidence and everyone is telling him he’s just crazy, and how “ridiculous interdimensional dumbass sci-fi quest” is something that’s reserved for other people, because he’s already been there like four times already and it has extremely different implications for him

In terms of mental illness, all my protags have patches of the story where they make it through kinda “in spite” of their struggles with mental illness (though that’s a sentence I fuckin hate) and other patches where mental illness is just a thing they deal with alongside whatever plots they have going on…… but their experiences with mental illness are also something that gives them specific skills and perspectives and ways of understanding the world that are invaluable, and some of the most important parts of the story are the parts where they make it through specifically BECAUSE of those skills and perspectives

Which is kind of the Whole Thing With The Unreality, that’s its whole deal

The unreality is a fucking huge turning point for Tris as a character, because it’s specifically because of his experiences with psychosis that he’s able to navigate it so effectively, it’s because of the specific skills he’s developed and the practice he’s had in similar circumstances

not, like, the SAME circumstances, but things from other contexts that kind of, transfer, circumstances where the same skills are applicable

‘cause like, turns out, he’s really good at navigating confusing frightening hellscapes where nothing makes sense and mis-stepping can get you killed, because he’s had a whole lot of practice just like. existing as a person with psychosis in a weird apocalypse world where reality is collapsing in unpredictable ways. He spends a lot of his life trying to make sense of reality and figure out the rules and developing countless systems for navigating the world safely, which he often needs to adjust at a moment’s notice, or completely scrap and reconstruct. He’s had a lot of experience of just sorta waking up and whatever bullshit is going on he’s just gotta be like “ok cool so this is what we’re doing today, I have to deal with this, so how can I deal with this”. He’s used to grounding himself and problem-solving even under intense pressure and when he’s terrified and regardless of whatever objectively horrifying nonsense is happening around him. He’s used to sorting the horrifying things that are not dangerous from the horrifying things that are extremely dangerous.  

He’s basically the one character who can get tossed into the unreality and actually work with it and figure out the rules even though everything is screaming and glitched out and trying to kill him, he’s spent most of his life developing the perfect skill set for it

(and like, this is the first point in the story where he sorta realises that his specific way of viewing the world is going to be a strength rather than a weakness, but like. despite the fact that Tris is basically a walking panic attack he’s actually always been the one of the team who’s been the most adept at navigating daily life with the apocalypse, it’s just not something he’s ever really picked up on)

and uh

that’s kind of a vaguely irrelevant note to end on, actually

HEY THAT WAS SO MANY WORDS I’M SO FUCKING SORRY

I DON’T EVEN HAVE A NEAT WRAP UP TO THIS POST

MY WRAP UP WAS THAT SUMMARY AT THE START

IF YOU READ THIS FAR I HOPE IT WAS AT LEAST SOMEWHAT INTERESTING

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #259

"i went straight to heaven, but i kept on knockin’.”

What's something that makes you feel more creative? Music. What are the last three nail polish colors you wore? Wow, idk the last time I wore nail polish, but probably black or maroon. What's the last thing you binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. Do you watch youtube videos or tv shows more? YouTube is essentially my TV. Quite literally - I don't have a television in my room because I never watch it. What's a DIY project that you don't think actually works? Oh dude, plenty. I have DIY-obsessed friends online as well as a Pinterest, I know this shit, lmao. I can name one though with total certainty because I was with a friend when she tried that disgusting "YOU CAN MAKE cuPCAkES IN A C uP!!!!!" crap. It's the most eggy shit you'll ever try. Do you collect Mason jars to use for crafts? No, but I think those crafts are generally super cute. Have you ever gotten rid of something and then regretted it? If so, what? (or what's one thing?) Oh yeah, one of my biggest being my senior prom pictures, but not for the reason you'd expect (save for two pictures of us that're just REALLY fuckin cute): I want them back because goddamn I was pretty ok and I miss that now that I hate my body every waking moment of every day. :^) What color is the zip-up hoodie you wear the most? Don't have one w/ a zipper, they're ugly. Do you live in an apartment that has inspections? No. Do you hate taking naps during the day? Nooo I love naps and usually take one a day. I tend to feel really tired all over again a few hours or so after I wake up. Who in your immediate family has the best natural hair? MEEEEEEEEEEEE. Would you ever audition for American Idol? Hell no. Do you know anyone who thinks they're more talented than they are? Lol wow, this is mean. I don't think so. Do you buy gum? Rarely, even though I like it. What's your favorite dollar store?  I don’t have a favorite, I'd say? But I think we normally go to Dollar General. How many cell phones have you had in your lifetime? Maybe like, six? Have you ever been inside a Victorian mansion? BITCH I WISH!!!!!!!!!!!! I would kill to get married in one, omfGGGGGGGGGGG. What was the most boring field trip you ever want on? I don't remember a bad one. I loved going on field trips. The last time you went, what were your favorite rides at Cedar Point? I’ve never been. Which country would you most like to visit? Eeeeek idk, but probably South Africa. What are your favorite types of videos to watch on YouTube? What I watch on YouTube has become pretty diverse, but I know my favorites are easily Mark's actual big projects w/ egos 'n shit alksjdflk;w gOOD SHIT MY FRIENDS. I still love let's plays, of course! Are you a hoarder? No. Is there a guy (or girl) that you wish things had worked out with? Yes. If you were to start a collection, what would it be? I'd loooove Shadow of the Colossus stuff, particularly the amazing figures they used to have only in Japan. And World of Warcraft stuff; all I have rn is an Illidan poster and a fae dragon plushy hanging from my ceiling that Jason got me. If you were rich, what things would you get done cosmetically? Mother of god, a lot. #1, make me skinny again for the love of fuck. Which would result in loose skin being taken off and probably a breast lift because being overweight ruined my comfort with them laskdjfw. Whiten my teeth and give me laser hair removal surgery on my legs, please. Are your parents too controlling? Not at all. Who is your favorite fictitious redhead? VOL'JIN Blizzard what the FUCK give him BACK What shows have you seen on Broadway? None. Who is the prettiest Asian YouTuber that you can think of? Bitch Mark is Korean and he's gorgeous as fuck goddamn it ain't fair. But this is a weird question. What is the best news you've heard lately? When my mom got a follow-up blood test, things looked good!! She especially needed to level out her sugar, which she did well on. She also didn't lose or gain any weight, so that's wonderful. Have you ever flown first class? Hunny I am v poor. Have you ever had food SO bad in a restaurant that you sent it back? I don't believe so, anyway. Do you talk in your sleep? Very regularly now. Have you ever locked yourself out of your house? OOF, yes. Are you the type of person who can shake insults off easily, or do they tend to stick around in your brain & bother you? They stick with me for a long, long time. At least two I remember from years upon years ago. Who was the last person you cut out of your life intentionally? My old therapist that I trusted and loved when I fucking shouldn't have. Where were you raised? By who? Eastern NC, by my parents. What were your first words? "Dada." What were some of your favorite things when you were young? DINOSAURS, Webkinz, Pokemon, and Spyro, to name a few. What did you grow up listening to? Mostly country and pop music. What games did you play in the past? Spyro was my obsession, and I also loved hunting games (ironic, as irl I would never even consider it???) as well as fishing ones, plus Crash Bandicoot. What was the best birthday party you ever had? I'm not sure. How about the best vacation? I'm unsure; I haven't really been on a lot. Do you have any secrets you never intend to tell? Yup. What memory would you like to disappear from your mind forever? A nightmare I had about my dad. If you were someone else, would you be friends with the person you are now? Yeah. Do you consider yourself a smart person? No. What friend in your life has been the greatest influence to you? I don't know. Where is the scariest place you’ve ever been? What made it so terrifying? I shared a bedroom with an EXTREMELY volatile, violent woman once in the mental hospital. As in she had to go in solitary when she had a violent episode, during which she became very destructive to her surroundings, so as you could guess, I was worried about my own wellbeing. She was eventually moved because I was that uncomfortable. Did you celebrate Easter? Are there any holidays you are more inclined to celebrate than others? If so, which? Well, Easter hasn't come yet, but we'll probably go to my sister's house for the kids. We'll celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving without fail. We don't pay much attention to others. I'd LOVE to do something for Halloween, we just never have anywhere to go/anything to do. What was the last thing you deleted? Pictures. What colors make up the majority of your wardrobe? Is there any color you like, but don’t wear often? There's black there. Oh, there's s'more black. What's that???? More bLACK????? MAN, I wish I could pull off pink. When was the last time you were in any amount of pain? I had a pretty intense headache yesterday. Who was the last person to hug you? Do you hug this person often? My niece, and yeah, every time I visit. What are you most likely to argue or debate about? The fact I almost never leave my pajamas lmao. What was the last show you watched? Have you seen it before, or is it something you’re watching for the first time? A few days back, I was reeeaaally bored and actually watched TV deliberately, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?????? It was The Witcher; wasn't bad. I'd be willing to watch more. How would you describe your taste in clothing? What would a dream outfit look like to you? uuuuuggggGHHHHHHHH let me be GOTH. Give me a corsette if they weren't notoriously uncomf with plenty of chains 'n stuff. BIG, SPIKY BOOTS. SKINNY LEATHER PANTS. UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH. Have you ever tried snowboarding? No. What’s your favorite planet besides Earth? Saturn is dope. Would you ever be a coach for any sport? Nope. What color of eyes do you have? Blue. Do you like tacos? NOOOOOOOOO. White or red wine? Wine is gross. Do you prefer foxes or wolves? Foxes. What’s the youngest you would consider dating? No younger than 21. Do you think suits are sexy? mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Did you go to high school with your current best friend? No. What is your boss’ (or school prinicpal’s) name? N/A Were you a fan of Michael Jackson before he died? I was never really a fan. Respected him immensely as a musician, I just didn't care much about his music. Turkey or ham for Thanksgiving? Ham. Turkey is always too dry and stringy. Do you look good in hats? I wouldn't know, I haven't worn one in forever. Never with short hair. Colons or equal signs for your smiley face's eyes? Colons. Do you like architecture? If so, do you have a favourite style or structure that you’d like to make note? Yes, and I should really have an answer for this, as architecture was a big part in Art History... Ummm Etruscan stands out, and of course Roman/Greek (even after the class I don't remember their differences well...). I love Middle Eastern architecture, too. What is one of your favorite words, in any language, and why? I just love the sound of "serendipity," as well as uhhhh "sakura" in Japanese and "kanji" in Chinese. I'm trying to think of a German one, as there certainly are some, but they're evading me right now. Where is the farthest you’ve travelled on foot? JESUS FUCK probably going to get Sara's brother from school, mother of all that is holy. But it might just feel like it because it was during the peak of my muscle atrophy in my legs. Are there any songs that you perhaps like but avoid because it makes you sad when heard? A good number. Do you like the area that you live in? What do you like or dislike about the area? NO. There's not shit to do and it's not aesthetically pleasing at all. Do you have a memory of when you really thought that you have lucked out on something? If so, what was it? Uhhhhh. A handful, I guess? Oh, uh, the suicide attempt to name one and probably the biggest. I took way too many of those pills to experience almost zero symptoms of an overdose; I did look up what "too many" was, because I wanted that. I'd say I was pretty fuckin lucky. If you have apps on your mobile phone, which one do you use the most? Facebook. Which do you like better: fantasy or science fiction novels? Why? FANTASY!!! I think it allows more creativity and possibilities of something magically "making sense" because yeah, it's fantasy. Science fiction has more "realness" to it, more, obviously, scientific elements versus make-believe. Do you like opossums? Do you think it is ethically right for others to keep opossums as pets? OPOSSUMS!!!!!!!!! ARE!!!!!!!!!! FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're my second-favorite animals kdsja;lkdjaw. BUT ANYWAY, no, unless it's for rescue reasons. When was the last time someone asked you a huge favor or advice? Do you get asked often by this person? Oh I have no idea. Probably my mom? And no, definitely not. She hates asking for help. What are your thoughts on nihilism? I definitely get it, but it's not my personal outlook. Do you like the snow? More like love. What are your thoughts and feelings towards work/jobs in general? I don't know? I've never even had a real, steady job, so it's hard to really answer... I've only had bad experiences. It's kinda weird to me how you have to work your ass off (usually) to get a job you enjoy, as well as slave for some stupid green paper until the day you die just to stay alive and healthy. But at the same time, it offers a sense of fulfilment and is as well something productive and beneficial to the masses to do. Civilization would be very, very different and unadvanced if we were without them, so I guess it is a necessary thing. Humans gotta work together to keep where we're at. Do you believe in astrology? I've never actually elaborated why I don't believe in it so there ya go: not in the slightest. All it does is offer extremely broad characteristics that, in some light, almost anyone can relate to so they feel included in something. We naturally want to "belong" within something as social creatures, and astrology is an easy one with it being so vast. It gives equally indirect advice that can be applied to a multitude of situations, so people just mold what they read to fit their world. Don't base your goddamn life choices on the random positioning of shit in space. What is something that you’ve made/created? Do you take pride in your creations? Well, way way way too many OCs that I do indeed love a hell of a lot. If you have a Tumblr account, do you have any followers that you wish would not follow you? Well I'm sure there are bots. What kind of books do you generally enjoy to read? Fantasy stuff, mostly. But I also love novels with deep meaning, particularly about life in general. A good plot is mandatory. Does the quality of a video, on YouTube or a television, matter to you? I mean of course in some situations, like if I'm watching something educational/something to gain visual knowledge from. What is one situation that may cause you to become shy (if there is any)? Don't don't don't don't don't point out that my serious interests/things I massively love are "weird" like it's been years and I can still barely explain why my biggest tattoo is a tribute to some fuckface on the Internet lmao. When one is depressed, what can a friend do about it? Do you find that there is a good method to approach people in helping them combat depression? It is SO important to, first, ask them what they want. Do they want advice, an ear to just listen, just your presence, to be alone? As for combating depression, that greatly depends on the origin (if any) of theirs. There are so many factors in answering this question, but what I mentioned should, imo, always be the start. Do you tend to listen to music that embraces your mood or does music dictate your mood? Is it a little bit of both? Definitely both. When I'm sad though, I'm almost definitely listening to somber music too. Do you find yourself to be generally a forgiving person? I'm too goddamn forgiving. Do you have an embarrassing memory that you now look back at and can laugh? If so and if you’re comfortable, could you share one here? Omg I have a Bible-length collection of those suckers. I'd prefer not to. What is one skill that you have worked hard to develop? Is there still room for improvement on that skill? Damn, anxiety-coping mechanisms and actually trusting them to help me through attacks. I used to be convinced that they were useless because it just wouldn't work and weren't immediately effective, but you've gooooooot to trust the process, friends. What do you consider to be your main passion(s) and how did they come about? Spreading awareness of the seriousness of mental health and the comfort of knowing there's hope. You can never stop pushing. My own experience with mental health struggles is definitely the deeeep roots of that. Who do you think influenced you the most in your life so far? Why? Jason changed my life in many ways. Trauma does that. He taught me a lot about the necessity of having faith in yourself to survive on your own, a shitload about love and how it's not some fairy tale, and that people change, even those you least expect to. What is something that you have overheard people talk about that really bothered you? I could name more than a few things about race stuff, living where I do. What do you normally say or how do you normally act in response to a compliment? I usually do this shy laugh and say "thank you" with too much enthusiasm. How many books do you own? Do you have more physical books than electronic books? I've no clue where a lot of my old ones are. I have no electronic ones; I strongly prefer to read a physical book. What are your thoughts on higher education? Is it really necessary? In your opinion, what changes can be made? Depending on your aspiring career, it can be necessary, but just as easily, it can be unnecessary. I know for a fucking fact it should not be NEARLY as expensive as it is. Maybe even free, but I have no idea what monetary concerns that could cause with whoever runs the place. Have you ever received a heartfelt compliment from a stranger? Probably at some point. How many people would you consider to be extremely close to you? "Extremely"... like three lmao. Maybe one more or so. When was the last time you had to speak to a crowd? How well did that go? When I was taking pictures at a wedding last. It went okay. How would you describe your general outlook towards humanity? We by no means deserve to be the apex predator and Earth would be a shitload better without us. How long do you think you could last without any contact with your significant other, best friend, or a person whom you consider would be the closest to you? I'll use my mom here, in which case idk. I don't particularly want to find out. I talk to her at LEAST by text daily. Every day now that she can't work/is always home with me. Have you ever realised that someone was lying, but it was too late to confront them? Nope. Eventually speaking up is how I lost her, but.

[dpargyle]

Winter of My Discontents

Alright, moving on –

So this is the first day of shit weather this year where I live.  It’s weird – growing up in New York I remember the seasons – but here we only have two – winter and construction.  It goes from 80 to 40 (F) in about a week – so yesterday was 75 and sunny and I could read outside and actually talk to people and today it’s 59 and rainy and cloudy and I just wanna set everything on fire.

I fucking hate it.

Kids – I fucking hate winter.  It glooms over you – and everything goes from bright and outside to monochrome and “fuck you.”  My wheelchair can’t go over the snow and it snows here from like the beginning of November to the middle of April and all of those months here I loathe.  Summer’s ok here but you’re still surrounded by religious lunatics.  

Nobody plows their fucking sidewalk in winter so I have to literally risk my life by driving my wheelchair in the middle of roads with cars in order to cross my own godsdamn street just to get food and now this year

my Dad wants me to come into the office three times a week.  

(So – to explain my work situation – OK – so technically I’m unemployed – and that’s cuz of the stupid fucking government who says like “oh you’re making above this much money as a person in a wheelchair?  Well in that case Medicaid isn’t gonna pay for your attendants to help you get up in the morning and go to bed at night (I’d need to make, like, 25k or so a year to afford that basically)” and also if you save literally one dollar more than $2,000 at one time on all your bank accounts combined we’ll also cut your Medicaid funding for the attendants and very expensive medical equipment (my chair costs 36k every 5 years) as well!” so I’m very much hamstrung by bureaucratic bullshit) –

so in order to get around all this nonsense – I (with the help of my family) am officially unemployed but I live in an apartment that’s technically rented by my Dad’s company – and in return I write and edit (and have been for like 6 years now) an e-magazine about the 3D Printing Industry (I don’t put my name on it though because again, government…) – which is kinda interesting and has allowed me to do both that and focus on my creative work as well – and I also do some freelance writing and one time an artistic thing for the company as well – (that money gets funneled to a bank account the government doesn’t know about) but mostly I’m glad I’ve had these jobs but they’re not…I don’t get excited about them.  I know other people might, but – I’m not one of them hahaha.  I really want to work creatively, but you know…)

In any case, while my Dad does run the main company as CEO he didn’t hire me – it wasn’t his idea – the owner of the company (who has lots of $$$) – after a year of me searching for jobs after college (very unsuccessfully) called me up one day and was like “you’re doing this for us now” and I needed to move out of my folks’ house ASAP so I was like “OK” –

But now my Dad wants me to come in to the office on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays – and I totally understand his reasoning (he’s trying to help me out) – he thinks that if I’m in the office other people there will involve me more in freelance-type work and I’ll be able to earn more $ - and this is probably true – and he also wants me to “get out of your warren” – cuz he knows my brother was basically the only person I interacted with socially in this entire city on any regular basis and now that he’s gone, well….

So my Dad seems to think being social with the other workers or something will be good for me? I mean maybe he’s right but I know everyone in there and they’re all super old and while they’re very nice I don’t have much in common with them and even if I did it’s still super awkward cuz I’m the boss’s son and it’s just awkward – I mean this is part of the reason why my brother left anyway – he worked there for three years but after those three years he was ready to not work at his Dad’s company anymore – and plus he and his wife fuckin hated Utah anyway and I don’t blame them at all I mostly hate it too haahahaha (cries)…

Though if I’m being honest anywhere I’d live I’d probably find all the flaws in real quick…

But maybe somewhere like California where actual things happen and I don’t have to fucking war against winter every year…

Cuz like I’ve tried the work many days a week with a commute in this city – and in summer it’s ok – there’s a very good tram-line system and I’m close to a station (for this purpose) – but in winter…

So for the first year I lived in Salt Lake I was working the magazine job and I was also working at the local Apple Store as well and that winter I literally nearly died commuting cuz I was super tired all the time (my fatigue tolerance level is super low) and dealing with customers and then doing the magazine job and then I was trying to write a book in my free time (it was the first one I wrote and it was complete shit but I’m proud of it cuz it was the first thing I’d ever finished) but I was basically operating at only 15% power and then one night I was on the train platform and there was ice and I slipped off it and half my wheelchair and I fell into the gap between the platform and the train and if that train operator hadn’t seen me he would’ve pulled out of the station and I woulda been warm meat paste…

(I nearly die at least six times a year…)

And that was the night I decided I’d quit that Apple job cuz no job is worth that hellish commute.

Even in subtler ways, though the winter is a killer for me here – there are days when the weather or the pressure changes and my right shoulder (the arm I drive my power wheelchair with) is in so much agony I can hardly move at all – and this lasts 2 or 3 days sometimes 4 –

and then they have these frikken godsforsaken mines here and we’re in this bowl-shaped valley so they mine all this dust into the air and so there’s this inversion here in winter and you can literally visibly see the dust in the air and your throat burns for like four months straight and it’s like the fuckin dust bowl or something god I hate unregulated red states…

And to top it all off, when I travel a lot in the cold my feet rub against my shoes which happened when I commuted to the apple store and by the end of that year I had sores on my heels that took 6 months to heal and in that time one of my best friends from high school died and I couldn’t travel to his funeral because I couldn’t even get out of my door and….I hated myself for that – I’d let him down (again.)

To be honest with you – when I first got offered that job at Apple I was so proud and happy and excited – I’d been looking for a job for a year after college and I looked everywhere – all over the world – in every industry I could think of – and there was just nothing.  Nobody even offered me an interview before they did – and I have self-esteem issues anyway so I started thinking – like – is it cuz I’m in a wheelchair?  Is that why nobody wants me?  (I really have issues dealing with any kind of rejection because of this…)

But then Apple came along and said “Yes!”  And I was like OMG this is amazing – I’m doing retail but it’s gonna be in an interesting (kind of) industry and I’m gonna work with young peeps like me and I’m gonna do creative stuff in my free time and slowly work my way up the ladder and I’m still young I got tons of time to do everything and be everywhere I wanna be going…and then the month before I had the job orientation with Apple my old high school friend had the sudden accident which would lead to his passing a few months later – and….nothing mattered like it had anymore…

He was hovering between life and death all the way in New York and I was in Utah doing…what? Selling expensive crap to rich Mormons? Nothing made sense anymore.  For six years before that point I’d been an insufferable evangelical Christian zealot – and although for two years my faith had been wavering due to me beginning to question its draconian teachings – at that point I still had it – but then this happened and very quickly what little faith I’d been holding onto died with my friend.  

I’m glad I’ve grown in my empathy and inclusiveness since then – but on the other hand, I feel I’ve lost something…

And then a month after my friend’s accident I had to present myself to Apple and be an enthusiastic team player filled with evangelism for the products and I just…I couldn’t do it…I remember that week so vividly too cuz that was the week George Lucas sold Lucasfilm to Disney and they announced they were doing MORE STAR WARS and I was like holy fuck that’s what I wanna do – maybe not necessarily Star Wars (though !!!) – but telling stories and weaving myths – and making a thing that MATTERED to people – that moved them and shook them and changed them and nourished them and gave them some godsdamned fucking hope in this unjust world…

But I was stuck here in Utah…

So I started writing that book and I pushed myself so incredibly hard cuz literally by that point it was the only thing that mattered to me and made sense – feeling like I’d been put on this Earth to make art and I wasn’t gonna waste anymore time because maybe I didn’t have anymore time, you know?

And like I couldn’t connect with my coworkers – they were my age but many of them were Mormons with whole families they were supporting and most of the rest (save for my good friend @soundscomplicated) – I just…it was hard to connect to.  In college I’d been surrounded by interesting people who challenged my brain and soul parts (at least sometimes – though academia drove me nuts) …but now….now I was stuck in the wasteland with no way out…

I finished the book and it was crap but at least I’d done something.  Then I made that personal safety decision to quit Apple and for the last four years I’ve been working from home…

And this past year or so I finally began to put it all together again maybe – my drawing skills were improving – I was writing another book that scared the crap outta me (but that was a good thing) – about a group of nerds who lost someone close to them and whose worlds were turned upside down as a result – where the protagonist was a kid in a wheelchair like me and for the first time I felt like I was writing something IMPORTANT that MATTERED that might move people – letting out all my pain and hope and regret and love -

But then I sent it out to potential agents and waited and waited and waited for months and months and literally none of them even sent me a solid rejection.  It was all just nothingness into the void.  I understand they get so many submissions though so I tried not to take it personally –

And I decided this story and these words that I’d finished were important enough for me to publish on Amazon – so I did – and it was one of the proudest moments of my life (this was back in April or so) but then – nobody bought it.  And it’s not like I expected to make out like gangbusters – I don’t know anything about marketing or being social media savvy (I mean just witness the godsdamned length of this friggen post hahaha) – but I thought at least everyone in my extended family would buy it – but nope. It sold like 11 copies.  Let’s just say I will love those 11 people forever but I just…

Like I’d killed myself over this fucking book.  I went down into the deepest parts of my soul and ripped them out for all the world to see – I didn’t do anything but this book.  I did my paying work for the company but hanging out with people other than my brother sometimes?  I didn’t have time.  I didn’t have the energy.

In the flesh connections are so hard and when you’re working on something you truly believe in – well – you feel compelled to WORK WORK WORK and where was I gonna meet people here anyway?  

This story mattered more than my own happiness.

And now that it hasn’t done well?  What was it all for?  Really? It’s not that I’m not totally effing proud of what came out – I am – probably more than any other art I’ve ever made – but…I dunno I guess I just have delusions of grandeur for myself…sometimes I feel like if I’m not Shakespeare – if I can’t support myself with my art – I’m a failure.  

I’ve failed.  My life has been a waste!

And then I sit back and I try to remind myself that’s an incredibly toxic and terrible way of thinking but at this point I literally can’t help it…

I don’t know what to work on next creatively.  And now I’m having to spend more time away from my creative stuff and I don’t want to – I really don’t give a shit about the meager extra money I’m gonna get by going into the office – I want those hours I’m gonna waste there back!  I don’t want to spend more hours not doing what I was born on this earth to do.

That probably sounds super privileged of me and I’m lucky to be where I am and blah blah blah but I just……and when the winter really comes and there’s snow on the ground I literally will not be able to go to the office (or even leave my apartment easily for that matter) and my Dad understands that – but I just…

Maybe I just don’t want to do that stuff anymore?  I’m probably coming across as a super lazy and ungrateful person – and I am, but…

I just don’t have many friends here anyway and spending energy on commuting is just not gonna help that at all and I see no way out and I’m literally crying as I type this and I want OUT OUT OUT so bad but I don’t know what that means or what that looks like and I am cold and scared and lonely and tired and

For the past month it’s been warm and sunny and I’ve had Blondie to distract me from all this pain and mounting mediocrity and it’s been nice cuz I haven’t really had a crush in the flesh since college – like literally the last girl I allowed myself to fall for is now married with two kids hahaha and that night I got my head stuck in the fridge and I didn’t say this in the original post but

I was literally kind of sobbing because my brother was leaving (he’s gone now) and I don’t have many good friends (especially here) and my book I cared so much about fucking crashed and burned and I put my fucking soul into that thing and it wasn’t good enough I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH and then my chair crapped out and I was about to die and I cried for like an hour (I haven’t cried like that in like seven years – since before my friend died) but then I stopped crying cuz Leia’s Theme came on my shuffle and it gave me some hope so instead of crying I was yelling and then somebody busted open my front door

And she was literally an angel and just sweet and all my everything just washed away and everything was OK but now – it’s just – that distraction is fading away and I am facing my reality and…

As with every winter here, I am growing restless…

[afewstitchesofanarchy]

Michtape headcanons

Michtape(Rich Goranski/Michael Mell)

Rich is constantly flirting with michael all the time. Usually in subtle ways but there comes a time where he might just up and say “Hey are those space pants, because that ass is out of this world.”

The first time michael met rich’s parents, rich was fighting with him throughout the day constantly just “Michael you have to brush your hair” “Michael you have to wear a tie” “No, Michael, pants are not optional” and michael, being the rebellious loser he is, showed up to a classy dinner with Mister and Misses Goranski in a suit jacket, bow tie, button up shirt, styled hair, and to piss of Rich, bright red cargo shorts.

The first time Rich met Michael’s parents he worked for about a week practicing talking without a lisp without his squip because he was worried michael family would make fun of it, as michael had. Immediately Michael’s mother found it charming yet couldn’t resist turning to michael and asking him, “Does he speak like that because you kissed him too hard?” Immediately mortifying rich.

It was rich’s idea to call themselves Michtape, a sharp and more pleasant contrast to what michael called his last relationship (Meremy Hell). Rich decided on this name because while it was also a mixture of their names, it played towards michael’s love for older forms of entertainment and rich’s odd love of rap music.

If Rich can’t sleep, he calls michael in the middle of the night to let him know. And michael, being the decent person he is, will stay up listening to his problems ranging from his dad’s drinking habit to old feelings he’s having about Jake while still in this new relationship. Michael has fallen asleep several times during these calls.

Michael is the one who organizes dates and get together a for him and Rich. And rich is one hundred percent okay with this. Rich was so used to planning everything in his previous relationships and being on charge, that he finds this help on planning kind of nice.

Though if michael goes overboard rich will go off the handle and get immediately upset and fuming because the lack of control just brings him back to the SQUIP days, and he can’t handle any of that.

Michael has a stockade of mountain dew red in his basement in case Rich does feel paranoid that the squip is coming back. He tends to try to cater to Rich’s needs, unlike his relationship with Jeremy where michael was the one who tended to be fawned over.

“Listen I know it’s late but you looked hella sad today, my man, and I know you might not want to talk about it but like you’re never sad, Mike, so if you got a problem and you need to talk, I’m here so uh, yeah, call me back, babe. Unless you don’t want to talk I know you might not because usually if I see you and you’re remotely sad you bounce back within twenty four hours so, yeah, you’re probably good but I’m still checking in ‘cause you take care of me so I gotta take care of you too. So yeah. This is rich. Call me back soon and gimme an update.”

Rich’s worry making michael feel better about himself on a daily basis though him still letting rich know that “Babe, dude, bro, don’t worry I’m fine just some anxiety I’m not sad my brain’s just fucked, aight? I’m cool, you’re cool, I love me and I love you.”

/Michael carrying rich on his back when he’s too tired to walk/

The first time michael and rich say I love you is kind of michael’s fault because, while michael is a fan of horror and scares, he’s absolutely terrified of heights and amusement park rides. So when Rich decided to strap into the Top Thrill Dragster, Michael grabbed his hand as tight as he could, going immediately pale while Rich was next to him having a fuckin’ ball. He closes his eyes as the ride starts to go up, slowly, slowly, until he squeezes his hand tighter and says “Dude I’m sorry if I was kinda put off by you at first you were kind of an ass before but now I love you I love you so much before I die on here I want to tell you I love you” and Rich just stares and fucking /laughs/ and as he’s begins to say “I love you too” the ride throws the car forward and they spend the next minute screaming and Michael most likely crying until the ride is done.

Michael playing connect the dots with rich’s freckles when he falls asleep in class until he wakes up. Once he woke up and found a picture of Christine on his left leg. Another time, part of the preamble to the constitution. Michael gets more and more creative each time, once even making one unbreaking line up rich’s left arm, down his right, and back again until he had a full maze drawn on rich’s arms and shoulders.

Message me more headcanons or questions you have about these two

[kikistiel]

Holy shit I love your analysis' of Jimin and Namjoon!! Would you mind doing one for Jungkook as well? I know a lot of people were confused as to why Namjoon put him in Ravenclaw over Gryffindor/Slytherin.

Hello~

It’s really weird for me that you guys actually care about and value my opinions  on this whole business so thank you so much for giving my ramblings the time of day omg

for those who are wondering about my thoughts on gryffindor!namjoon and slytherin!jimin here’s the links to those:

Namjoon as a Gryffindor || Jimin as a Slytherin

So like, I really. really. really. love the idea of Ravenclaw Jeon. (But listen… I used to be a hardcore Slytherin!Jeon person okay, so I understand your feels on this. I do.) 

 here goes nothing

Ravenclaw Jungkook confused a lot of people. And I really get it because Ravenclaw was so fucking shafted in the books. 

We had so many Gryffindors and Slytherins to relate to, and we had a fair share of badass Hufflepuffs (TONKS) to base our opinions off of. But there were only a few Ravenclaws that were given the time of day in the books, and only one of those was a major character. We had Luna, Trelawney, Lockehart, and Cho. Cho’s amazing character was wasted by JK – she was written with the personality of a dish rag and didn’t really get the spotlight she deserved. Trelawney was presented as a crazy old lady who sometimes ?? served a purpose. Lockehart was an idiot. All we really had was Luna.

But it wasn’t just the characters. Ravenclaw has a really weird reputation. Before I wrote this, I asked a bunch of my casual and hardcore HP fan friends to tell me the characteristics they associated with each house. And I got pretty much what I expected:

Gryffindor: Leaders, brave, courageous, brash, strong

Slytherin: Cunning, resourceful, calculating, perfectionists

Hufflepuff: Loyal, kind, hard-working, determination, cheerful

Ravenclaw: Smart…?? they are… smart people?? They do things…….smartly……

Like for real. Whenever I asked people what traits they associated with Ravenclaw, all anyone was ever able to tell me was that Ravenclaws were supposedly smart. And that’s got a lot to do with the fact that when the sorting hat sings off about all the houses, it lists all these great traits for the other houses, but when it comes to Ravenclaw it says this:

“Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,If you’ve a ready mind,Where those of wit and learning,Will always find their kind.”

And then the books go on to say that Ravenclaws are,

characterised by their wit, intelligence, and wisdom.

So maybe you’re like me, and I am REALLY guilty of this, but when I first read this in the books I kinda just thought these all meant the same thing. So maybe that’s where we got this idea that all Ravenclaws are good for are being smart.

But it wasn’t until I looked up the actual definition of each word that I realized these were all saying really different things:

Intelligence - the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills.Wit - a natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humor.Wisdom - the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being wise.

^^^^this is just webster dictionary definitions here. The bolded words are the ones I want to focus on.

Skill. See – Ravenclaws are supposedly smart. But this doesn’t always have to mean BOOKSMART, and I think that’s where we had a lot of trouble with Jeon. No one is saying he is dumb or anything, but he’s no Namjoon.

Notable examples of this trait include Lockehart, who was pretty shitty at a lot of things, but had the street smarts enough to pass off his big whole scam for years and years, and was especially gifted in certain charms.

Then there’s Luna, who while shown to be really good at solving riddles, was also portrayed as really physically skilled. In Dumbledore’s Army, while being taught how to conjure a Patronus by Harry, Luna was the first to get it right. She was fourteen at the time, and was such a skilled witch that she was able to perform an incredibly difficult charm - that even adults had trouble with - after like…….mere minutes of teaching.

Does this sound like someone you know?? I’ll give you an example: Observe this VERY determined Hufflepuff not give up on his dreams and finally have all his hard work pay off… only for someone to come in and get it right almost instantly.

Or maybe… “Hey guys, this dance move you made up looks pretty cool – mind if I watch you do it like once and a half and then nail it instantly?”

And if you’re ever in doubt about just how skilled Jungkook is… remember that he turned down seven other agencies to join BigHit. That’s how many people were after him and recognized his talent. (This also ties in to my thoughts on the part about good judgement – Jungkook obviously saw a lot of potential in Namjoon and BigHit in general, so much so that he turned down tons of other companies to be there. He saw something a lot of other people did not… and it ended up being the best decision he ever made.)

But I think another really telling aspect of Jungkook’s Ravenclaw personality is that he isn’t always perfect at everything. He’s not always good at something right away – but that won’t stop him working really hard to get good. 

In Rookie King he was shown to be at the most pretty average at bowling. He wasn’t terrible, but he was about as good as you and I would be after playing a few rounds with a little luck. Well, Golden Maknae Jungkook could not stand to not be the best at something, so he mentions sometime later (13:10) that he’s hired a coach to teach him how to bowl…. and then just a few months later uploads a video of himself getting a strike like it’s no god damn big deal at all. And he looks pretty proud of himself too.

But all the major Ravenclaws were also shown time and time and time again as being a little…. scatterbrained. Luna, Lockehart, and Trelawney especially, and to an extent even Cho. And Jungkook is no exception. He’s… pretty gullible. And DEFINITELY scatterbrained.

But wit, intelligence, and wisdom are not the only three traits associated with Ravenclaw. There are a lot of other traits you may not really know about, because again – Ravenclaws were woefully under-represented in the series. There’s quite a few others listed for this house:

Creative

Individuality

Eccentric

Quirky

Jealousy/Envy

Competitive

So imma just go down the list because I’m really tired and I can’t made good word things rn

Creative

it’s no secret that Jungkook is a pretty talented artist. He’s a pretty damn good photographer too. (This will always be one of my favorite photos ever of Jimin – and Jungkook took it.) And he’s a talented lyricist as well. He’s an extremely good dancer and has a beautiful voice too – but you guys know this already.

Individuality

Take a look at how he expresses his individuality through his song covers.

Eccentric & Quirky

You guys thought the fact that Lockehart, Trelawney, and even heckin Luna were all in the same house was a coincidence? Ravenclaws are NOTORIOUS for being Extra™. I’m not kidding! This is literally a personality trait of Ravenclaws that we overlook so often from these weirdos. And Jeon fuckin Jungkook invented the word eccentric:

too busy doing THE MOST to care about personal space

O______O

the name is bond…. jeon bond.

meme child

sometimes he does it on purpose…

sometimes he doesn’t…

sometimes he doesn’t realize he’s being a ditz

sometimes he pulls a loony lovegood and says the most socially inept shit

meme child pt 2

all around me are familiar faces…

yall remember how luna was like literally afraid of nothing, including creepy/weird creatures? yeah so is this hell child

worryingly eccentric

alien language

can’t you interact with even insects like a normal human being?

you’d be here forever if i kept going so… you get the point. eccentric is jungkook’s middle name.

Jealousy/Envy

Jeonlous exists in this god forsaken fandom, and I ain’t gonna link it and open THAT can of worms, but if you’re feeling so inclined and care to enter the seventh circle of hell, feel free to look it up… but tread carefully.

Competitive

When I got the first ask about Ravenclaw Kook I had woken up at 3am and sleepily looked at my emails. I saw the ask and immediately had to jot down my ideas to keep for the next day, and all I managed to write in my sleep stupor was this

and then i promptly fell back asleep.

I was referring to this, and if you don’t feel bad for poor Jin in this situation I don’t know what to tell you. Jungkook is intensely competitive, even over small things like board games. He was so intent on winning that game that he literally assaulted someone five years his senior to sabotage them.

And then this is him trying to win a dance-off… doing the most, as usual.

And also?? He was literally banned from the gym because he was getting too buff. And look at him take out that guy in wrestling… and then demolish poor Jimin, the smallest member of BTS in arm wrestling when he could have… you know… let him win or something……

It’s a pretty well known meme within the fandom that Jungkook is competitive and always trying to outdo the others.

But when it comes down to it, Ravenclaws are still known for being smart, right? We can take all these other traits and apply them to Jeon but what about his brain?

He’s actually kinda smart. He is able to cover a song in perfect English even though he doesn’t speak the language all that well (but well enough to constantly correct others’ English and he’s good enough to tell you he’s really not all that interested in participating in English Time anyways)

And I mean…. he can outsmart the other members pretty well…………..

But I think one of the most important things to note about Jungkook being in Ravenclaw is to look at who sorted him, Namjoon: Namjoon himself gave Jungkook the nickname “Golden Maknae”. He is constantly saying that Jungkook can do anything, or watch this Jungkook can do this, or wow look at him go, or he’s so talented this and that. Is it really any surprise that Namjoon would put Jungkook in to a house known for being highly skilled when he believes no less of the kid?

Jungkook has some pretty Slytherin-like qualities – but tons of canon HP characters and the BTS members themselves have traits that are shared by all four houses. It’s just a matter of where he fits best.

I mean TL;DR, Jeon says it best himself:

gif credit: bwiskook

[obliviousoso]

1- 150 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

@silent-of-spirit I bet you thought I wouldn’t do it but I didCX Under the cut for sheer length 

1.Who was the last person you held hands with?

My date-mate Michael 

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Shy generally but I have myoutgoing moments

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My friends from DVC when I swoopthrough during my spring break

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I’d like to think so, I hope so, I’mgonna go with yes. 

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I would hope at least one of themwould yeah. 

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

In general? Nice ones, nerdy ones,ones with passion and smiles and stories, people who make me feel good, peoplewho share my interest and also share their interests with me, creative people,really anyone who might bring positivity into my life and also people who Ifeel like could use some positivity. Speaking physically? I dig guys who aretaller than me, I’m weak for bara’s but also like trim figures. Gals of anyheight are great and curves and squishy tummies are so so nice. I also have hada thing for blonds since early childhood. But honestly everyone’s lovely andregardless of how you look if our personalities vibe I will probably fall inlove with you. 

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Well I’m presently in one now so Ihope that’s still a thing two months from now. And I mean who knows, maybe Iwill be in another relationship too but I think I can pretty confidently answerthis question as yes to at least one relationship. 

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

My friend Calvin cause I miss himand we need to hang, my friend Mark because I’m doodling his oc right now andthinkin about hairstyles for that, Michael cause I’m watching Rooster teeth asI write this and I associate that with him.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Not at all.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My mum I think? Or Julia? My brainis bad at specific times and I had two convos pretty close to one another. It’sone of those. 

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“That sounds like an exasperatedconductor XD” 

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

In no particular order:

Paris by the Chain Smokers

Satisfied from Hamilton

Waiting For Love by Avicii

Get Better by the Bleachers (my all-timefave 100% of the time)

Waving Through a Window by CalebHyles

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

God yes

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Miracles more than luck but yes

15. What good thing happened this summer?

This last summer? I got a jobselling cheese at farmers markets with my friend and got to go to cool placesand meet cool people. 

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Last person I smooched was my mumand I will probably smooch her again before bed so yea, all the kisses forever~I love my mommy =3

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Yep, not planets close to us butsomewhere out there there’s gotta be. 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Nope, he disappeared to themysterious land of Florida.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yep~

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I’ve spoken to them once that Ican recall so I don’t really have an opinion. 

21. What are you bad habits?

Procrastination, I rip my hair outsometimes, I’ve got shit study habits, I write fanfiction in class instead ofnotes, I’ve got a lot of bad habits but these are the ones that popped intomind first. 

22. Where would you like to travel?

Everywhere? Is that an option?Japan and England are at the top of that list since I have friends there,looking at one of those for study abroad. Egypt also for friend reasons. TheNetherlands, Switzerland, France (just so I can remember going this time xp),Australia, the bottom of the ocean, space, other dimensions. I just wanna goman, just wanna go wherever.  

23. Do you have trust issues?

Kind of?? I don’t worry aboutstuff like cheating and things but I have trouble trusting that people actuallylike me without ulterior motives or that they’re not just hanging around me tobe nice. I tend to feel like I’ve trapped people into friendships andrelationships with me so I’m always waiting for them to get tired of acting andend things :

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

It’s a tie between my morningshower and the part of my day where I whip my bra off and know it’s staying offfor the rest of the day. 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Generally I’m pretty happy with mybody actually but I guess if I’ve gotta pick something I’d say my hair becauseit takes so much effort to keep it up how I actually want to and I generallyjust don’t have the spoons for it so it’s very rare that I’m actually all theway happy with how it looks and/or feels. 

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Lay in bed for five more minuteschecking various apps and psyching myself up for the day. Also say “I know” to my screaming kitty cat as he demands breakfast and pets.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Neither? Honestly I really don’tcare, feel like I’d look weird with lighter skin though so I guess I wouldn’tmind a tan. Mostly I wish I didn’t scar so easily xp 

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mum, Amber, Julia, Caitlyn, Calvin,Nafisa, Sheridan (this is the list of friends I’m 100% sure don’t hate me.) 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Nope, but I’ve had one straight uptell me he dated me because he felt sorry for me. 

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Definitely! 

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Might be when it’s straight, haven’ttried in a while. 

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Misha Collins and his wifeVictoria Vantoch, Hugh Jackman and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness

33. Spell your name with your chin.

Lauujrfededn (first name was goingso well and then it just went blah xp)

Oobliviojusolsdo (tumblr handle wenta little better???) 

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Not by choice but I was made tojoin the basketball team in middle school. 

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Most of my life is unrequitedcrushes.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Generally nothing because I’mafraid to break them.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Someone who’s as excited about meas I am about them, because I’ve found in past relationships that I tend to be waymore invested in the other person than they are in me. Someone who’s fine with meshowing love often and wants to show it in equal measure. Someone who is my bestfriend as much as they’re my lover, who has inside jokes with me and storiesand just loves to be with me and I love to be with them and we go on adventuresor sit around and either way its great because we’re great and we make each otherhappy. And also someone I can be unhappy with, someone I can cry in front ofand not worry about running them away, someone I don’t have to hold back with,someone I’m not scared to say “I need attention” to, because that’s honestlyone of the hardest, scariest things for me to say so I never say it and end upfeeling neglected. I just want people I can be happy with and honest withbecause a lot of what I’ve learned to do in relationships is lie about how I amand what I want so that I bend around what I think the other person wants fromme. I guess mostly my dream partner is someone I’m 100% comfortable and honest with.Extra points if they love dragon age. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Daiso is my snackfood and school supplydestination, Forever 21 is where most of my summertime clothes are from, I alsolove the bioware and Bethesda online stores, and Boxlunch is pretty cool too~ 

40. What do you want to do after high school college?

I honestly have no fuckin clueanymore. I’m thinking maybe join the Peace Corps if I stay on the politicalscience track. Honestly it’s more likely I’ll just keep working my jobs andmaybe look for another one to add to the stack. I’ve got no idea where my lifeis going xp

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Depends on what they did. Somethings you just gotta walk away from. The world can give them a second chancewith someone else, you gotta take care of yourself. 

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

If we’re alone and I’m quiet I’mvery comfortable and enjoying our time together. If I’m with oodles of peopleand being extremely quiet I am veryuncomfortable and/or self conscious and probably trying not to panic or cry.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Usually. I like to see othersmile. 

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Why not both? If I’ve gotta choseI guess I chose the ocean because I’ve wanted to explore it longer than I’ve wantedto visit space. 

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Needing to pee usually. Or my catscreaming at me for breakfast. 

46. What are you paranoid about?

That everyone I love actuallyhates me and that they’re all disappointed in me. That I’m actually a horrible,toxic person dragging everyone down, that if I let slip for even a few momentsthat my mental illness is acting up everyone will abandon me. That something horriblemight happen to my mum when she’s out of my sight. Mostly I’m a great bigbundle of abandonment issues. 

47. Have you ever been high?

Yep, got a funny story about myfirst experience with edibles if anyone wants to hear. 

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Also yep, though only twice so farin my life. I dislike it immensely and generally avoid drinking very much. 

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Not that I can think of.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Pullover hoodie? Purple. Zip uphoodie? Blue and yellow. 

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

God yes

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My brain and the fact that it’s adepressed, traumatized mess. 

53. Favourite makeup brand?

… The cheap one??? I don’t makeupvery much, generally just buy cheap stuff or get gifted things. 

54. Favourite store?

I’m gonna go with Daiso for thisone. 

55. Favourite blog?

More than one cause I do what I want!Also alphabetically~ Also I can untag ya’ll if you want XD

@crispsauce datemate/beautifulfriend

@despondent-dulcet beautifulfriend

@galaga-senpai beautiful friend

Reapers-carino (too shy to tagthem properly) Awesome Overwatch writer

@silent-of-spirit beautiful friend/fantasticwriter

@trollfishprince beautiful friend

Xreader (also too shy to tag themproperly) Awsome Overwatch writer

56. Favourite colour?

Purple, specifically lavender 

57. Favourite food? 

Sushi, especiallythings with salmon or yellowtail 

58. Last thing you ate?

Chicken Katsu

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Sweetbread thing I got at Daiso

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Not on my own that I can recall.My group did win the skit competition at Jack and Jill’s teen conference in2011 I think it was. 

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nope

62. Been arrested? For what?

Also nope

63. Ever been in love? 

Several times. Tends notto work out. 

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

I was at my first girlfriend’shouse and we were hanging out in her room talking on the phone with my other friend that Ihad a crush on and who would later become the boyfriend who told me he dated mebecause he felt sorry for me. We were teasing him about something and it endedup on the subject of kissing and in the middle of me talking about somethingshe just kind of leaned over and kissed me. It was nice. She tasted like thehomemade peach ice cream we’d had after dinner. 

65. Are you hungry right now?

God no. I ate way too much today.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

The friends I have on tumblr arereal friends and I love them the same as anyone else~ 

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

I have youtube on my tv in thebackground. I am not invested. 

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Amber, Caitlyn, Julia,Calvin, Sheridan, Nafisa (it’s that same list of friends I’m sure don’t hateme.) 

71. Craving something? What?

Emotional validation, a sense of purpose,milk tea. 

72. What colour are your towels?

Many

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One head pillow one body pillow

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Yes, Molly the bear and Ducky thepencil case duck.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

I’m gonna say 100. There’s atleast 30 in my room right now and then all the ones I ever had growing up invarious storage slots in this house and our house in the south. 

75. Favourite animal?

Cows on land Jellyfish in the sea

76. What colour is your underwear?

Black with red trim and HelloKitty on my butt

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Rose

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Grey with grey text

80. What colour pants?

Invisible (aka none)

81. Favourite tv show?

It’s between Gallivant and StevenUniverse 

82. Favourite movie?

I’ve got a lot but Big Fish or Spyare probs at the top right now

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls 

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Hmmmm 21 Jump Street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Gretchen 

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Bruce 

87. First person you talked to today?

Michael 

88. Last person you talked to today?

Mum

89. Name a person you hate?

Our present POTUS 

90. Name a person you love?

My mum

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Our present POTUS

92. In a fight with someone?

Not that I’m aware of 

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Like six????

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

At least 20

95. Last movie you watched?

Saw Kong Skull Island with mumlast Sunday. It was fun.

96. Favourite actress?

I really like Melissa McCarthy andalso Danai Gurira

97. Favourite actor?

Hugh Jackman and also Alan Rickman 

98. Do you tan a lot?

Not on purpose but it happensevery summer without fail. 

99. Have any pets?

My precious baby Simba! 

100. How are you feeling?

Physically exhausted, mentallyfine

101. Do you type fast?

I’d like to think so

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Most things.

103. Can you spell well?

Nope but spellcheck saves the day.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Lots of people.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

At least three

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

If I have they didn’t tell me

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Only once but yes~

108. What should you be doing?

Drawing Mark’s character.

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Not really 

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Several times. 

111. Do you have trust issues?

Wasn’t this a question earlier? Ithink so. Check above and if not hit me up cx

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Michael I think.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Daddy called me Coolio because ofmy braids XD 

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yeppers 

115. Do you play the Wii?

Can’t find the damn wiimote butyes

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Nope, Markiplier 

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Who doesn’t???

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yes~ 

119. Favourite book?

Triple tie between 1984, Brave NewWorld, and the Giver

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Yes

121. Are you mean?

I try not to be. I hope not. 

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Only in noncompetitive videogames, like using the motherload cheat in the Sims. Otherwise don’t do it. 

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Jesus no, I’m the family disgrace. 

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Lust maybe but love takes time 

125. Do you believe in true love?

Indeed I do. Though I also believeit’s not limited to one person. 

126. Are you currently bored?

Nah, pretty entertained by doingthis whole thing. 

127. What makes you happy?

My friends, dragon age, my cat,music, anime, rooster teeth, video games, writing, tasty food

128. Would you change your name?

Nah, I like the name my parentspicked for me~

129. What your zodiac sign?

Virgo but I was supposed to be a Capricorn 

130. Do you like subway?

Like the sub shop? I don’t gothere on my own but if someone brings me food from there I’ll eat it. If youmean subway trains I like Bart (bay area rapid transit for anyone who doesn’tknow) just fine. Though I often consider how dirty everything probably is. 

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

That would probably be Calvin?? We’vealready determined that we’re too much like siblings to ever date and I don’tthink that feeling will change on my end at least so I’d probably let him knowthat and hopefully continue things as usual. No use in making things weird. 

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Once again I’m pretty sure Ianswered this already??? Deja’vu??? How do you spell that? 

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

We are one of a kind irreplaceable

How did I get so blind and socynical

If there’s love in this life we’reunstoppable

No we can’t be defeated

Waiting for Love - Avicii

134. Can you count to one million?

I do not have the patience but Iprobably have the ability.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I told my mom the cat broke thehorn on her tiny unicorn statue when there was literally no way the cat couldhave reached it or broken it in the way I did. 

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Open a crack for the cat or elsehe cries and pulls at the carpet

137. How tall are you?

5’4

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Mine is curly I like either onothers. 

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Mine’s brown black I also likeeither on others. 

140. Summer or Winter?

Summer forever please. 

141. Night or Day?

Give me day, eternal light!

142. Favourite month

February has my favorite holidaybut I think I’ll go with July because weather. 

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope, tried once and that’s how Ifound out I’m anemic. 

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

White, dark, milk in that order. 

145. Tea or Coffee?

Tea, coffee gives me tummy achesand anxiety

146. Was today a good day?

I think so, yes~

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers, even though I’m mildly allergicto peanuts. 

148. What’s your favourite quote?

That’s a good ass question. Ithink I’ll go with:

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goeson.” Robert Frost 

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yep

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the firstline

“And he said unto them, Let theLord be so with you as I will let you go, and your little ones: look to it; forevil is before you.” Exodus 11:10

Ho shit, done! Congrats if you made it through this behemoth, you now know a bunch of useless things about me XD  

[the-misadvntures-of-me]

Why do I always have to learn things the hard way?

Hello, my name is faith and I have an interesting life. Someone told me that I should write down the events of my life and that got me thinking.  I've always considered writing a journal-style book, based on all the stupid things I choose to do every day; but is that selfish?  Or is it something I can simply use for self-reflection?  Is this something I'll let my kids see someday?  Hopefully not, I make terrible decisions.  I have decided to put absolutely no filter on myself.  That in itself is a scary thing, but you know what?  Fuck the world. Bluntness is something they need to get used to.  Bluntness is what can radically affect my life, and the decisions I make are solely based off of my need to be radically myself.

No filter.  What a fun idea.  No filter is an idea that scares people, myself included.  But like I said earlier, fuck the world. My mom doesn't like it when I swear.  I guess I know it's not the most morally wonderful thing to do, but guess what; I'm surrounded by a fucked up culture so no matter what, my internal dialogue is gonna be a little bit spicy.

I'm a confident person.  Well, most people see me as a confident person.  An EXTRAvert to the max.  I'm really just an ambivert - exactly 50/50 according to the test.  I know, I don't know where the fuck to categorize myself either.   I loudly proclaim "fuck the world" because If I don't, I sink into that fun teenage world of DEPRESSION WOOO.  I love depression.  I'm an enneagram 4.  The "special one".  People who passionately cling to their enneagram identity drive me insane, but then again, I don't like most people anyways.  I'm creative.  At least I hope I am because it's low key my Major.  Just kidding, I know I'm creative.  I'm also one of the most... I don't even know.  I'd like to say unique, but then I become the "quirky" girl, and the very idea of that pisses me off.  I'm me.  Back to being that ambivert person, I recharge by being alone.  I need to be alone to be able to actually think life through and rest.  However, I also love spending time with people.  To clarify; my people.  My Lil gang.  My homies.  Sometimes I'll get sucked into one or the other extreme of how I recharge; Being completely alone or choosing to numb out all emotion by filling my life with so much noise that I don't even get to feel.

I have a unique personality.  Confusing.  Not only to those around me, but also my own head.  I don't have this thing called empathy, yet I'm extremely good at reading people.  Do I care?  No.  This is what most people would call "mean".  I guess I am mean.  For instance, I'm talking with a group of people, I see that I'm cutting someone off and overriding them and their ideas.  I see that they're pissed at me.  But do I change the direction of the conversation to help them feel more included?  No. I'm a bitch.  Yet the people I love, I love so fully.  I would do anything for them.  My love language is physical touch, but I show love through how I give to people.  I love giving gifts.  So so much.  Christmas time and birthdays... ahhh so much fun.  There's nothing cooler than being able to pick out something that you know someone will adore.

Something you've also probably noticed; I have ADD.  Bro, my brain is all over the place.  So is my life right now.  I could do with a little consistency. Yes, my writing will be all over the place, but I'm being 100% genuine.  Though I could probably still edit my writing and be considered "genuine", I'm not gonna do it.  Editing is something my perfectionist self has a frickin hard time with.  Either it's perfect or it's not worth it.  But guess what.  Sometimes my brain needs to just shut up and roll with it.  Yes, these are my strange thought patterns, but they're the real me.  The all over the place me.  Hello, I'm faith.

I would probably make friends faster if I chose to chill out a little bit, but I tried that route in middle school and it sucked.  Putting on a mask sucked.  Using that metaphor sucks because corona sucks and life FUCKING SUCKS but that's OK.  *INHALE* it's fine. *exhale,fuckcorona*.  Yes.  So middle school me chose to be chill.  I tried to be cool, but if you see even ONE photo of me in middle school, you would know how impossible that would have been for me.  I was homeschooled for most of my life.  First, as a Lil babe; I could read by three.  What a genius.  Then, from fifth grade through half of eighth.  Half haha.  Yep, I got kicked out of homeschool.  God bless my mother.  That's when I was thrown into the world of Private Christian Middle School and BOY was that a culture shock for me.  

I was the only one who hadn't had braces yet.  goshfuckingdarnitMOM why didn't you let me get braces SOONER.  I didn't know jack shit about the world.  Not even a smidge of secular music knowledge.  I didn't know what was 'cool' to wear and what was stupid.  I. Chose. Stupid.  OHMYGOLLY I don't' even wanna start on what I chose to put on my body.  Yet this is a no filter me.  Does no filter mean no dignity?  Admitting this deletes all dignity I may have thought I possessed. I wore a flower on my head.  Every single day.  For a year and a half.  WHY?  Who fuckin knows, I looked like a homeschooler.  No fourteen-year-old human should be wearing a giant white flower on their head.  But I did.  I think the best part about looking back at that though, was that I felt like a boss.  I was happy.  Even though I was self-conscious and pretended to be 'normal' around the popular kids, I was still confident in that stupid flower.  There's such a strange balance between small me feeling confident, and small me feeling insecure.  I was so sure of who I was, yet I needed to be good enough for everyone else, too.

To be sentimental and sappy, I guess that's where I am too.  A manic middle schooler in the grown-up world of college.  I know I'll look back and laugh at my stupidity.  There's that whole 'identity' thing.  It hits ya hard when you're 13, but I guess I never expected it to come back again.  Yes, I know the 'good' answer.  I'm a Christian.  I've always been raised in a loving Christian home and encouraged to do and say the right things always.  My identity is in Christ.  Of course...  Yet.  College.  Life gets big pretty fast.  The amount of thinking my mind has done this month compared to the past year... It's a lot.  Everything is different.

Change has never been something I've done fantastic with.  Change sucks.  People who are totally cool with change low-key scare me.  Yes, I'm stupid and make spur of the moment spontaneous decisions that might affect me the next day, but that's different than a major life change.  I guess I just never knew what to expect. I hadn't taken the time to really sit down and think through what my life would look like.  But here I am.  Back in middle school again.  I’m tired. I know I’ll write more later.  Probably after I do something stupid.  But that’s ok.  That’s life.