#and also i was depressed. anyway im mentioning it now bc it's looking good to at least

[ghostofsnails]

so did you guys know theres this character called tristan vik disventure camp and

[junebugsarchive]

Hiii! Its my first time I request here.

Can you write about manager kim, mr kim?

Like headcanons or when he get jealous or anything is good with you. (ᗒ⩊ᗕ)

Im sorry if my english is bad. (*_ _)人

manager kim x reader ; headcanons ver.

summary: headcanons of manager kim x fem! reader

pairing: manager kim x reader

details: slightly suggestive . mention of alchohol . kinda depressing bc we know what this man is like . mentions of ptsd / trauma . established relationship ( he calls you his wife ) . all headcanons are my opinion, i'm not forcing you to agree with them! . all dividers used are from @cafekitsune . all pictures used are from pinterest . not proofread

a/n: my man just looks so silly goofy in the second pic. also, first anon ask!! tysm for requesting bae <3 did both headcanons and jealousy if that's ok with you! also i wrote a part of this in public and maybe i was just too paranoid but a girl behind me laughed im so scared now... enjoy babes!

let's start off with the most obvious obvious one; this man would die for you

you could tell him to go up against the government and he would do so without hesitation (he's basically already doing it anyways LMFAO)

absolutely adores cuddling up to you while sleeping. my theory is that this man secretly enjoys being the little spoon because he's never gotten that kind of comfort when he was younger

he likes it when you wrap your arms around him from behind as well. actually, he just likes any type of contact with you.

inwardly guilty he can't spoil you with lavish goods because he's not exactly rich. you deserve the world, in his eyes, and a secret fear of his is that one day you'll leave him

he's either a great cook or a food poisoner, there is no in between. either way, he loves your home-cooked meals the most

very domesticated around you. he radiates black cat energy, and whenever he comes home from work and practically drapes himself all over you, you're always reminded of a grumpy but comfort-seeking cat you once saw on social media.

not a great kisser, because let's be for real, between raising minji and his missions, he doesn't have a lot of time to practice his smooching skills. however, he's a really quick learner and you've noticed a drastic improvement in his bedroom skills ever since he started dating you. but he's great with his hands ( yk, his cqc... fast fingers... ). i'll leave the rest to your imagination

bro would absolutely be the type to be silent about his relationship with you, so people either find out through seeing him with you, or minji happily going around telling everyone she has a mom now.

my headcanon is that this man has horrible alcohol tolerance. one shot with hansu and jincheong is enough to make him red in the face. the first time he came home drunk, you thought he was kind of cute intoxicated and secretly filmed him the entire night tripping over thin air and arguing with the soap

would insist on carrying all your bags. it's rare for you to go on a shopping spree, but even if you're going out for your routinely grocery run, he would insist on carrying all the bags, including your purse, even if you keep insisting he let you carry something.

this gentleman finally relents and lets you carry the bag of chips home LMFAO

now let's talk about his... less than ideal background.

if you were totally oblivious about his past, he would feel a mix of relief and worry, because he's happy that you don't know about his shady history, but also worried that one day you would find out about it, and possibly leave him. let's be real, with the humongous target on his back, someone is bound to find out he has a wife and harm you.

he would never admit it to you, but in the end you'd find out anyways. there's no way the two of you could go your entire lives without finding out every little detail of each other's past, pretty or not.

let's just say you found out through someone ambushing your house when manager kim wasn't home to try and kidnap you. but of course, your husband, having installed silent alarms in every corner of your shared apartment, immediately came racing back to grab you and swoop you into a safe house in the blink of an eye.

he had explained everything to you, saying that if you didn't want to stay with him he would completely understand and accept it.

poor boy was so confused when you burst into tears and hugged him and called him an idiot. he genuinely didn't believe anybody normal would want to be with him even though he basically told them he used to be a ruthless war machine.

after you had calmed down, you had explained that you were disappointed that he thought so little of himself, and you were also really sad because you realized where all the scars littered across his body had come from, and it broke your heart to think that he had gone through so much pain during his time in the military.

after that whole fiasco, you treated his scars more tenderly than ever.

you would trace the bullet scars and lines on his upper body with care and softness as you lay in bed together, and he can't help but think that some good has come out of coming clean to you after all

but let's say that you knew about his past, maybe because you were a part of his squad back in the days.

shared trauma ig

but seriously, i feel like he would feel more at ease whenever he leaves the house to go on a mission because he knows you can protect yourself and minji if the need arises, even if he would still get anxious and worried for your safety.

tbh i feel like you probably caught his eye because you kicked his ass a couple of times when sparring lol

he would like the fact that he could come home in the dead of the night, covered in blood from head to toe, and not have to fumble for an excuse to tell you

nightmare bonding is real bc the two of you have probably gone through some extremely traumatic things in your early days, and of course it's going to leave a lasting impact on both of you.

some nights, the two of you would wake up sweating and shivering after reliving those moments, or seeing your dead comrades, and can silently comfort each other as you both steady your breathing and calm yourselves down

definitely would bring the two of you closer together than ever

let's talk about what manager kim would be like if he's jealous!

would be the type to subtly swoop in and enter whatever conversation you were having with the poor guy, remaining calm and collected, though he made sure he dropped hints left and right.

"ah yes, my wife owns that dress..." "my wife loves the tteokbokki at that restaurant..." "my wife... my wife..."

and when the dude finally gets the hint and backs off, you're always left feeling amused as you watch your husband stare at the guy as he walks off, a stoic look on his face, though you can always feel the triumph radiating off him.

and let's just say the guy doesn't get the hint, and instead keeps implying that you can do so much better than what you have right now. you smile awkwardly, reassuringly interlacing your fingers with his, but it's not enough for the cold stare to drop from manager kim's face.

spoiler alert: that guy either dies or he leads a very unlucky life afterwards

after you and him part ways with the annoying guy (you have to politely excuse yourselves with a lame excuse), manager kim is always left feeling slightly insecure and ashamed of himself. the guys that hit on you are always younger, always richer, always better looking. why would you want to stay with a broke, single father like him anyways? his secret fear comes back into play as these thoughts eat him alive

it doesn't take much to make him forget his worries - just reassure him and comfort him and pamper him, but if a few days go by without you noticing the shame and insecurities eating him away, it might cause him putting some distance between the two of you because he thinks he's not worthy of your love

besides his self-degradation, this man is one of the best men in manager kim to end up with because you know he's going to do whatever he can to ensure you live comfortably, with little to no fears or worries whatsoever. 10/10.

p.s. bro would defo be the type to get hit on by older women when he goes to parent-teacher meetings. and going back to how he wouldn't outright talk about his marriage, none of the women would ever know he was married, until they saw you come in place of your husband, who was on a 'work trip' (that was not true, he went to another city to murder some gang), and needless to say, the women never bothered manager kim ever again.

[itzynabi]

together

summary: in which someone talks to eve

set: 3 nov 2018

word count: 3.1k

warnings: talks of depression & mental health, mention of food. pls tell me if i missed anything

an: the gif is mine. if im being honest, this was a very self indulgent scenario of things i wish i was told, but it was surprisingly hard to write bcs i had no idea how i wanted to be comforted. anyways, i hope you like it! words im bold are english. feedback and reblogs are much appreciated 💐

eve’s masterlist

A plate of food was placed in front of Eve. “How are you feeling?”

She looked up at her brother as he sat down opposite her at the table. “...I’m not sure.” She could tell he wasn’t satisfied with her answer, but he didn’t push it. Thankfully.

Following her breakdown five days ago, Kibum became very involved in her life. Every morning and night, he would ask her how she was feeling; she had to write in a journal — she didn’t have to show him anything she wrote, though; they went on walks together with his dogs. He wanted to help her.

“I’m going to meet up with Taeyeon today. You’re going to training, right?”

Eve shook her head. “The trainers are still sorting out whatever the problem is. But I’m gonna go to a dance class with Chaeryeong and Ryujin. Then we’ll get lunch and they have to do homework, so we’ll go our separate ways.”

“Okay.” Kibum nodded. “On your way back, can you pick the dogs up from the day care centre? I’ll send you the address.”

“Okie dokie,” she agreed. “Can we eat now?”

“Yes. Yes, we can.”

Ryujin groaned as Eve massaged her shoulders. “Everything hurts.”

The three girls had finished their dance class at a studio. It was their first time going to that studio, so they didn’t know what to expect, and they quickly realised how under prepared they were. The two hour class started and ended with thirty minutes of cardio to ‘help with their stamina.’ Or so they were told.

Chaeryeong returned to their booth with a tray full of their food. “My legs felt like jelly when I was fetching the tray,” she told her friends.

“It’s only my back that’s sore,” Eve said. She stopped massaging Ryujin — causing the girl to groan louder — and turned to face their food.

Chaeryeong slid into the booth, groaning in relief when her legs stopped paining. “You’re lucky, unnie.”

“How isn’t everything sore for you?” Ryujin asked, taking her soda.

Eve answered as she sorted through all of their food, giving each girl their meal, “I did this type of stuff in strength and conditioning for ballet. It wasn’t really cardio focused, but everything would get worked out and exercised.”

Chaeryeong slumped against the booth. “I should’ve gone to your school. Then I would’ve been so strong.”

“Even the teacher said she has good muscle,” Ryujin commented, dipping one of her chips into tomato sauce.

Eve picked up a slice of her potato and bacon pizza. “I’m only strong because I actually work out,” she said before taking a bite.

“We also work out!” Chaeryeong argued, sitting up so she could start eating her cheeseburger.

“But unnie works out every week,” Ryujin pointed out as she took the gherkins out of her hamburger, putting them on the side of her plate, “we work out once a month. Sometimes once every two months.”

Chaeryeong nodded in agreement. “True. She could be a national athlete with how much she works out,” she joked with a giggle.

Ryujin nodded, also giggling. “She should do women’s footb–”

She stopped speaking as the intro to La Vie en Rose started playing from the restaurant speakers. Both her and Chaeryeong glanced at Eve, who was too busy enjoying her pizza to notice. She looked up from her plate when she noticed the silence at the table.

“What’s going on?” She asked, putting her pizza back on her plate. She looked around the restaurant in confusion before hearing Eunbi’s part of the verse playing. “Oh.” She simply said, returning to her pizza with an indifferent shrug.

She hadn’t told anyone about her mental breakdown, but she knew her friends knew that something was up with her. Eve tried to conceal the way her hand trembled slightly by using two hands to eat her pizza.

“You don’t have to, like, act weird around me,” she said when she noticed how Ryujin and Chaeryeong were trying — and failing — to pretend they weren’t watching her.

Chaeryeong chuckled awkwardly, fussing with her hair. “We’re not acting weird.”

Eve rolled her eyes dramatically with a groan as she put down her pizza. “I flopped my way out of debuting in IZ*ONE. It’s not the end of the world. I’m okay. You can talk about the group, or the song, or anything — I won’t freak out. It’s not a big deal.” Even to her own ears, it sounded like she was trying to convince herself of what she was saying.

“Well, yeah, it’s just… I mean, you really wanted to debut, Nabi unnie. And we were all voting for you and everything and… It’s just a bit awkward because you don’t seem sad but you also do?” Ryujin said, scrunching her face more and more as she spoke. “You haven’t said anything, but we can tell that something’s upsetting you.”

Eve sighed. “It’s just the normal disappointment that comes with not getting something you wanted. You guys know what it’s like, you both didn’t get to debut through the survival shows you were on. I’m dealing with it in my own way, but I’m fine. Besides, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t be proud of your sister,” she told Chaeryeong. “I didn’t debut, but she did. That’s great!”

Ryujin nodded slowly. “Acting like this must make it harder to get over it, right?”

“Yep,” Eve said, popping the last P. “It’s almost suffocating.” She stole a chip from her friends’ plates, trying to lighten the mood again. She knew she succeeded when Ryujin took one of the cubes of potato off of her pizza and Chaeryeong took a sip of her soda.

The three girls finished eating their food as they talked some more. Within another ten minutes, they had finished their food and had left the restaurant. They stood outside the building, watching as cars drove by.

“Well, it was nice hanging with you guys,” Eve said, knowing that Ryujin and Chaeryeong were going to do their homework. “Enjoy doing your essays.”

Ryujin and Chaeryeong shared a look before the former girl stepped closer to Eve. “Unnie, we’re not going to do homework. We’re… We’re going to the company.”

Eve blinked repeatedly, shaking her head. “What do you mean? There isn’t any training. There hasn’t been for a while.”

”It’s because we’re not training, we’re debuting,” Chaeryeong said. “That’s why there hasn’t been any training. Just like when TWICE sunbaenim and STRAY KIDS sunbaenim were preparing for their debuts.”

“Oh,” Eve said, not knowing how to react. She felt a bunch of conflicting emotions. “Um… I’m happy for you!” She weakly cheered. “You guys are… gonna do so well. Um, I have to go fetch Commes Des and Garçon now, but… Wow! Congratulations! Really. Bye.”

She turned around and walked away, not waiting to listen if her friends were going to say anything. She quickly went to fetch her brother’s dogs and returned home. She put some dog food and water in their bowls, still thinking about what Chaeryeong and Ryujin told her.

Eve truly didn’t know how to feel about it. She obviously was happy for them — who wouldn’t be? But she was also… jealous. She worked insanely hard to be good at her craft, but it wasn’t enough. Jinyoung wasn’t kidding when he said that her performance in Produce 48 would affect whether or not she would debut in the new girl group.

Kibum entered the passcode to his apartment, walking in. “Thanks for coming, noona,” he said as Taeyeon walked in behind him.

“It’s okay,” Taeyeon waved him off, “don’t mention it. By the way, where are Commes Des and Garçon?” She asked, noticing how the dogs didn’t rush to greet them and how they weren’t in the living room.

Kibum frowned as he looked around the room. “I don’t know. Nabi said she’d fetch them. Maybe they’re on a walk?” He poked his head into his room, not noticing how Taeyeon went to open Eve’s bedroom door.

“I found them,” she whisper-shouted. She heard Kibum walk towards her until he was standing behind her, staring at the sight in front of the both of them: Eve curled up in bed with both of the dogs in her arms as she slept. Garçon wasn’t facing them, and therefore hadn’t seen them, but Commes Des was staring right at them. Both dogs were awake, watching over Eve as she slept.

“Was she crying?” Taeyeon asked, noticing dried tear streaks on Eve’s face. She started walking forward, but was stopped by Commes Des growling.

Kibum groaned, “Why are you growling? What’s the problem?”

Commes Des squirmed his way out of Eve’s hold, standing just in front of her as Garçon turned around to face the two idols. Eve stirred softly as Commes Des kept growling.

“Bro, chill,” she mumbled, raising her right arm to gently stroke his back. “Relax.”

“He was about to attack me,” Taeyeon joked, nodding her head slowly and squinting her eyes in the way she usually did.

Eve sat up slowly, still holding onto Garçon. She yawned as she fully woke up and rubbed her eyes. “What’re you doing here, ahjumma?”

“Kibum-ah asked me to talk to you,” she answered, pointing at the man.

Eve simply blinked. “Are you my therapist?”

Taeyeon chuckled, walking fully into the room and sitting down next to Eve. “I’m not your therapist, no. I’m just… here to talk. About whatever you want.”

“I’ll be next door,” Kibum said, turning around to walk away. Garçon and Commes Des followed him out of the room, probably so they could force him to play with them.

“Do you want me to close the door?” Taeyeon asked, pointing at it. Eve hesitated before nodding and Taeyeon got up to close it before returning to sit next to her. “So…”

“So…” Eve echoed. “What did ahjussi tell you?”

Taeyeon sharply inhaled. “That you broke down–”

“True.”

“–, that your depression is worse–”

“Yep.”

“–, and that he’s worried about you and doesn’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Yeah…”

“Oh! Also that you wrote a song.”

Eve nodded. “Oh, yeah. I did. Would you like to hear it? Or read the lyrics? I didn’t actually record it, so…”

Taeyeon nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okie dokie.” Eve stood up and walked to her desk. She ruffled among the many papers lying all over the desk, letting out a soft ‘Ah-ha!’ when she found the exam pad she wrote the song on. “I wrote it in English, but I wrote a Korean version of it,” she told Taeyeon as she walked back to the older girl and handed her the exam pad.

The room was quiet as Taeyeon read over the lyrics, only the sound of her flipping the page to fill the room. Eve used the time to observe Taeyeon. She knew that Taeyeon also had depression — she sang about it. It was through talking with her and Jonghyun that she realised she might have depression. She went to a psychologist to get diagnosed, but didn’t see the point of going to therapy because she felt it wasn’t serious enough for therapy.

When Taeyeon was done reading, she closed the exam pad and put it down next to her. “Well, that’s… Well, it’s sad. Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s not much to talk about really,” Eve said with a shrug. “I mean, it’s all clear.”

“Okay. Then can you tell me why you were crying?” Taeyeon asked, gesturing at Eve’s face.

Eve visibly hesitated. “Um, my friends are debuting. That’s why there hasn’t been any training. The company stops training when a group is preparing for debut to stop the chances of the song or choreography being leaked. I found out today when we were eating lunch. It was just… PD- nim told me he wanted to debut a new group. He told me that my performance in Produce 48 would affect whether or not I debut in the group and… I didn’t make it into the group so… Yeah.”

Taeyeon’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m sorry, Nabi.”

“You don’t have to apologise for anything. It’s not your fault. I should’ve done a better job on Produce 48, it’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” Taeyeon told her.

“Yes, it is. I was the one competing, I was the one that performed, I was the one that didn’t do her best. I’m the one that’s at fault,” she said, feeling herself get emotional again. “I’m happy for my friends, but I feel like…”

“Like that should be you?” Taeyeon finished for her, Eve nodding.

“I’m not saying they don’t deserve it, I just want it for myself,” she explained. “I’ve been a trainee for so long, I’ll never debut at this point. I should just switch to becoming a full-time ballerina. I can audition for the national ballet and–”

“Woah, woah, woah.” Taeyeon waved her arms around. “Nabi, you’re going to debut. You just need to keep going.”

Eve scoffed. “Unnie, I’m not debuting. It’s been six years, okay. I’ve showcased everything that I possibly could — I have nothing left. The company’s probably going to cut their losses and just tell me to end my contract. I wouldn’t fault them or anything. I pretty much embarrassed them. So, I’ll just reinvent myself and do bal–”

“Why are you so adamant on giving up?”

“Because I’m tired!” She exclaimed. “I’m tired of everything. I just want to stop.”

Taeyeon wrapped her arm around Eve, squeezing the younger girl’s shoulder. “Agi-yah, I know it’s hard right now, but it’ll get better soon. Unnie promises. I’m here, Key’s here, everyone’s here. And we’re going to support you, okay? Just hold on a little longer.”

They were silent for some time as Eve calmed herself down. From outside her room, they could hear Kibum trying to bargain with the dogs to get them to let him rest. “I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s… Something is broken,” Eve said. “I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken,” Taeyeon comforted. “I know it feels that way — I know that’s what your brain is telling you —, but trust me, Nabi-yah. You’re not broken. All you need is to get help — professional help.”

“Oppa said the same thing. We’re in the process of looking for a therapist that won’t tell me it’s all in my head.”

‘I mean, technically, it is all in your head,'' Taeyeon joked, trying to get Eve to smile. “It’s a mental illness. In your mi–”

“I get it, oh my goodness.”

Taeyeon chuckled. “You know I’m here for you if you need anything? We’re in this together, okay? I don’t call you Kim Maknae for nothing, so come to me whenever. I know what you’re going through — I’ve been there. I won’t leave you to go through this alone. We’ll take it step by step by step by step. You’re doing so well and I can see your hard work.”

Eve nodded. “Thank you, ahjumma. It means a lot.”

She squeezed Eve’s shoulder. “It’s no problem. And you do realise that when you go to therapy, you’ll have to talk about your feelings, right?”

Eve groaned, throwing her head back as Taeyeon cackled. “I’m not looking forward to it.”

“Just pretend your therapist is me and you’ll be fine.”

“But,” Eve started, her voice slightly more uncertain, “I’ve, like… Like, I’ve…”

“Yeah,” Taeyeon encouraged.

Eve sighed frustratedly. “I don’t know, it’s… I’ve basically, like, found a way to mould my life around my depression. It isn’t constantly bad or anything like that, but it’s there. And I know how to go through life while being depressed, you know? And… I guess, I’m just… Who am I without depression?” She asked, not actually expecting Taeyeon to answer. “When I went to that psychologist, he told me that I most likely started feeling depressed when I was twelve and subconsciously found a way to, like, ignore it, or whatever, but he could see the effects it had on me. He said the reason it was getting more apparent than before was because I was feeling more and more stressed and he gave me ways to manage them. And I follow the tips, and I do the stretches and meditations, and I’ve, like, reworked my personality around this depression thing, and… I don’t know who I am,” she finished, panting lightly.

“I relate to that,” Taeyeon said after a minute of silence. “You spend so long being depressed that you can’t remember who you were before you were depressed. Or, you do remember who you were, but it’s so similar to who you are now that you start to wonder if you’re actually depressed. So then the question becomes, ‘Is it that I’ve been depressed for longer than I realised?’ Or it’s, ‘Am I even depressed enough to warrant seeking help?’ Or, it’s ‘Am I even depressed at all?’ And honestly, Nabi, I don’t know what it is. I so badly wish I could tell you the answer, but the truth is, I’m also figuring that out. Like I said, we’re doing this together. So, if you find out the answer to that question first, tell me,” she joked.

Eve nodded with a chuckle. “Okay, okay. I have no more questions to ask now,” she said.

“Yeah? I find that hard to believe, but I’ll take it.” She stood up, removing her arm from Eve’s shoulder. “Let’s go out there. We bought you a cake. And, hey. If you’re not added to that debut in JYP by the end of the year, I’ll use my connections to have you debut solo. Or I’ll add you to Red Velvet.”

Eve rolled her eyes as she stood up. “Why would you add me to a group that’s been active for four years? I appreciate the sentiment, but seriously?”

Taeyeon scoffed, opening the door. “It’s the thought that counts,” she whined as they walked into the living room.

Kibum looked up as he threw a toy for Garçon to chase after. “Are you done?”

Taeyeon nodded. “We talked and talked.”

He shifted his gaze to his sister. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, actually,” Eve said with a deep exhale. “Ahjumma said things that I needed to hear. Thanks for arranging this.”

“Of course, you don’t have to mention it,” he said, sighing as Garçon put the toy back in his hands. They all watched as Commes Des stalked over to Taeyeon, the idol picking the dog up.

“I heard there’s cake.”

an: i dont go to jype so idk they actually stop training when a group is preparing for debut, but i thought it would be a cool thing to add/write about

tagging: @seolboba // @ateezivy // @ateezjuliet // @cafemilk-tea // @smh-anon // @alixnsuperstxr // @cosmicwintr // @girlzwfun // @txt-yaomi // @moongrlz

©️ kim nabi

[thebestpumkin]

pumkin speaks: sighh. im so sorry for diappearing (again) for so long. i've been having such a hard time with motivation for...literally everything. i'm trying to get back into the swing of things so i'm hoping to be able to get something out soon. i've honestly been trying so hard and i just...haven't been able to do much of anything for the last few months. i got burned out on everything that i enjoy, including writing. but i've been feeling better as of late (though i'm still working on some personal issues that i honestly wish i didn't need to work on). thank you to everyone who's been so patient, i promise i'll keep trying 🫶🫶

now that the more depressing part is out of the way, i thought i'd give you a little update on what i've been watching! i think last i updated y'all, i was still watching tokyo revengers? i'm all caught up with it now and it's in my list of who i write for. i also watched banana fish (totally cried) but i don't think i'm gonna write for it, lmk if y'all would like to see it and i'll rethink it fs. i'm also all caught up with wind breaker - i watched it as it was coming out. i'm thinking about writing for it, so i might update my list soon. i watched paradox live, and i think i miiight write for a few characters - tbh i wasn't a huge fan of it, esp the ending, but i fw the characters heavy. i finally watched solo leveling which i think was reallyyy good. i think i'm gonna write for sung (shocking). i also watched blue lock but being so honest, i did NOT like it i fear. so sorry to any blue lock fans out there but i was watching it for a friend and it genuinely felt like a chore...i did quite like a few characters but idk if i should write for them. ig i'll think on it some more. *edit bc i completely forgot to mention i'm currently watching one piece 💀💀 i just started alabasta arc like 2 days ago - i'm on ep 97 currently. it's so good omg. i might write for it once i feel like i have a better read on the characters so maybe look forward to that?

anyways, thank you so much for being patient! i will be trying to write soon. i'll also probably update my list over the next few days so be on the lookout fs. if y'all want, i'd be super happy to get some requests and i'm sure that would motivate me a whole lot. anyways, this is getting long so i'll sign off here. thank you for reading! happy scrolling, and have a nice day!

[rue-dixon]

UGH I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUPID ORIGINAL STORY INSPIRED BY CHILCHUCK BUT I HAVE NO ONE TO LISTEN TO IM GOING TO TUMBLR

You can ignore this I just needa get it out somewhere

anyway it started out as a chil family au where Chilchuck and Meijack were knights serving a king and Meijack falling in love with a princess. But then I had an idea for an au about the whole family they were like in Ireland in the dark ages. Eventually I combined them together and took away the whole concept of it taking place in the dunmeshi universe. And instead put it in an original universe I already had and put them in an area that's based off Celtic mythology. So all the mythology was real so it was like Celtic fantasy kinda.

Then I realized I was changing the characters so much in appearance and personality (for Chilchuck and mickbell anyway) and that I was basically writing for scratch for Dandan, Meijack, Bellana (Chilwife), Puckpatti, and Flertom not to mention added a bunch of other original characters I thought "why am I limiting myself to it being an au" so I renamed and redesigned them all. They all still kinda look like their dunmeshi counterparts but that's ok.

I've already drafted out like 23 chapters so I just wanna vent about it cuz I'm never gonna like post it as a proper au fanfic or anything

Dandan is the only one I've made a REAL redesign for. But as you can see it still looks like him if you squint lmao. And his name is Danny (for now cus I still liked the idea of him going Dan but I might change it again)

OK THE ACTUAL PLOT

The Celt inspired people have a "peace treaty" with another ground of people inspired by the French (stay with me). The French will import lots of goods their people on the islands need in return every 20 years they take 50 "young men" (when in reality it's boys ages 15-20) to serve as knights for their military for 20 years.

Well at 15 Chilchuck's character gets picked along with his older brother Keegan (original character) bc they're very big as it runs in the family so they stand out a lot.

Chilchuck does his time, Keegan died during that time. But his lover and woman he proposed to literally the day he was taken, Bellana was pregnant with Maelock. (Meijack yes Ik very different leave me alone.) Maelock gets around 16, when she decided to go over seas because she can't wait another 4 years to meet her father and becomes a knight too in a desperate attempt to know him. Well while she's there she gets appointed to protect the princess and they fall in love secret love affair yada. Also Chilchuck's character becomes the captain of the royal forces, so he used the power he had to take Maelock home with him 4 years later when he retired.

(Which is what this drawing I did is about)

Anyway they come home. And Chilchuck is obviously very different. Not only as he went from 15 to 35 he's like severally traumatized bc yk war obviously. Because Maelock was more of a guard and wasn't there as long she's not as bad. She just seems very depressed bc she left the love of her life but no one knows that.

So most of the story is Chilchuck's character trying to become adjusted to "domestic life again." They have three more daughters. Bonnie (Flertom's counterpart), Paddy (Puckpatti), and Nessa (original). Which having young kids as he didn't get to see Maelock grow up is really hard for him and part of it is learning how to deal with it.

(Not to mention having to reconnect with his family and himself like he is in these sorta)

While Chilchuck's character is tired and wants to never touch a sword (unless it's for defeating monsters cuz the islands and literally CRAWLING with crazy ass creatures. That's another part of it) ever again in his entire life. But Bellana's brother Danny (Dandan) on the other hand is angry. Bc he has to raise Maelock as a father figure. He has to take care of his pregnant sister at only 12 years old. He had to watch the families grief back at him for years and suffer because of their sons being taken to literally DIE. And it's very rare the boys come back. Only like 6 out of the 20 came back including Chilchuck's character I think.

Danny wants an uprising. He was to break that contract. And he believes that since Chilchuck's experience and position with the kingdom over seas will help them. That they possibly had a chance to win with him. But Chilchuck's character doesn't want to fight. He's tired. He doesn't want to see anyone else die under his command. Danny is angry with his in law but more at the people who took him.

Chilchuck's character kinda keeps this mindset especially since he had all girls so none of them would get taken. It's not until him and Danny find a beggar boy in the snow after getting publicly punished for stealing to eat and his husky (changed Kuro to a real dog but might change the type again). It's a cold night and he'll probably die out there. So they take him in. They make a deal that if he works they'll feed him and clothe him and let him stay with them. Only rules are not to steal and don't speak or touch his daughters. Or he'll "put his head on a spike and feed his body to wild boars" lol.

(Them before I fully changed them. Mickbell and Chilchuck still need a proper redesign)

Well mickbells character (I CANNOT think of a new name for him.) is untrusting. Standoffish and his dislike for the family is very clear. But he is taken back by the kindness specially Bellana and Danny show him. Eventually he warms up to them and he sort of becomes part of the family. And he even falls for the second oldest daughter Bonnie (changed their ages so they're like the same age).

Well the date for when the kingdom comes back to take new boys is finally coming. And mickbells gotten pretty well built with the labor and being fed multiple times a day now. Chilchuck's character knows he'd definitely be chosen as he's only about 18, and it's pretty much pointless to hide him because the soldiers make sure no one can hide.

So finally Chilchuck's character decides alright I'll do something but it won't be war. (At least he hopes it won't cause one) so with his leadership the people of the village sunk the ship that came to collect them. Well this doesn't go well obviously, and the kingdom takes this as a broken treaty and they send battle ships.

They try to get as many people to the cliffs for safety as possibly. Because they literally cannot keep up with their technology (and they kingdom has use of magic while the Celtic people do not) so Chilchuck's character just tried to get everyone away with the rest of the family.

Accept for Maelock who knows for a fact that her life the Princess Willow (original) would have been crowned queen by now because she would've inherited the throne at 30 and she knew she was already way in her 30s. And it was costume for the leader or whatever. Maelock knew Willow enough to know she wouldn't do this on her own and it was probably the Queen 2 sessions before her (her grandma basically) pulling the strings as she had been for many years.

Maelock gets to the front of the battle finds Willow and tells her the truth behind everything. Willow and her parents were told by the grandmother that for years the men were coming willingly because they were paid very handsome sums for their work. And they were aloud to visit their families and etc etc just a bunch of lies.

Willow calls it off. As queen she issues a formal apology to the people and sets a new issue where they kingdom and island and trade partners and nothing more. With Willow and Maelock being together again they marry which also furthers a real peace between each country. Maelock does go live with Willow over seas but she tries to visit her family often.

I want Chilchuck's character to die. Either just from old age or he gets cursed. But I figured that wouldnt happen in the canon time line so I've just left

Anyways I know no one actually sat here and read this whole thing but IF YOU DID omg??? Thank you so much hope this wasn't a huge waist of your time Abe I love you sm 😭🙏

(Bonus drawing cuz I didn't really have a talking point to fit it with lol. But the two of them have complete redesigns too I just haven't gotten to drawing then out yet.)

[monosanimegenericzone]

Hunter x Hunter: the most delusions

warning: extreme gay and poetic bullshit

my midterms ended so you know what that means. time to feed the nation.

i have delusions, who's surprised.

i guess this can also count as a character deep dive. im going to get metaphorical as shit in this post. you have been warned.

bonolenov and feitan are narrative opposites.

and this is entirely speculation because togashi gave us JACK SHIT about bonolenov so i choose to believe this purely for the sake of my delusions.

so starting with the obvious is obvious. bono is not the prettiest mf around. meanwhile feitan. he is traditionally good looking. there i said it- but seriously. bonolenov is not the societal standard of beauty, whereas feitan can at least pass without turning heads with his mask off.

narrative opposites >:3

bonolenov came from what we assume was a good and loving family. his devotion to his people and the dead traditions speak volumes. and i genuinely wonder if that sets him apart from the rest of the troupe since we know for damn well most of them aint had parents or blood family.

feitan, as mentioned above, doesn't have a family. he even refuses to call his close friends family even though we know- WE KNOW- they consider each other the closest thing to family. found family is a thing, but he refuses it because he dont need that shit.

they both share that distant connection to each other. the troupe itself is made up of these fragile bonds that were made with the inevitable intention to break.

it's the meteoran mantra of "thinner than water, thicker than blood" which is this paradoxical loyalty to each other, even if that means having to kill themselves. its so. MMMMMH. this is what i mean when i like non traditional relationships its so GOOD.

anyway. bonolenov and feitan walk that thin line while coming from their own backgrounds. bonolenov had to learn what that phrase meant while feitan grew up with it engraved on his soul.

bonolenov harms himself to practice living.

feitan waits for harm to come to him to feel joy.

now hear me out. yall already know about my bonolenov depression headcanon, which i might have to revisit bcs the mobage cards made him ripped as SHIT.

BUT BIOLOGICALLY. with nen enhancing healing and other shit like machi's stitches- bonolenov has to maintain those holes throughout his body. how he does that i dont know. put that on top of the self inflicted starvation. AND the survivor's guilt. and you got yourself one very owie boy.

feitan on the other hand is a crackhead fascinated in torture. need i say more. his hatsu literally requires him to be hurt. NEED I SAY MORE.

bono's tall. feitan's short

...

next slide-

two different forms of Ultimate Celestial.

bonolenov uses the largest planet Jupiter. it is the most imposing and the most recognized of the planets.

feitan uses the sun. the center of the solar system. NEED I SAY MORE.

anyway thats a wrap. enjoy my gay brainworms. i retreat back to my cave.

fanfic trivia:

and a detail i will point out because absolutely no one will notice: i chose Pitch as the title for a reason. pitch is a liquid that appears completely solid and is so dense that it will only obey the laws of gravity if left alone for 8 years or more.

not only is it a metaphor for the slowest slowburn youve ever seen but it's also extremely flammable.

so you put two and two together: a substance black as the soul and ready to ignite, falling over the longest period of time imaginable.

simply. gay.

[wndaswife]

heey, we never interacted but i really like you as person and u pass me such a comfy vibe like😭 and i really need to vent or else im going insane-

uhhhh im a little lesbian of 20y and in uni, fine. and a curiosity abt my uni: since its a private one, my department gets the same teachers since the 1st year of undergrad which is cool bc they really track our development there BUT i have this teacher (really. really beautiful btw.) who gives biology, cognition, neuropsychology and forensics psychology and she’s also a hard one…her classes are only for those who pay attention, she’s super demanding and a black cat energy (she literally gives nooooooo fucks to anyone). so OFC i had to develop a little crush on her🤠 anywayss months passed, im on my 2nd year now and she still has this HORRIBLE (but i love it) habit of looking at a person’s eyes when explaining something and she really STARES so i was always **giggles and laufs**, but this year i fell into a depressive episode so i stopped going to classes (including hers), i stopped going to her orientation classes and so one day my friend said “she’s worried abt you and she asked me to tell u that she wants an email from u to agree on a time and day to talk to her personally”. i thought i was fucked honestly, but we eventually agreed on a time at her office and turns out the convo was actually nice (i cried my eyes out while she said how worried she was abt me).

after that she was more touchy with me? like when she talked to me after class she always grabbed my arm or put her hand on my shoulder or she talked to me SUPER close AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK specially bc she herself said “if u were a student who didn’t care abt my classes it’d be totally different, but you’re not. i care about you” BUT BRO??? i NEVER saw her act that way with other students, also she doesn’t ask anyone to come to her office-

(i actually thought she hated me bc a while ago she spent MONTHS ignoring my existence💀)

omg this is so funny u say this... one of my best friends always says i give comfort vibes like when im over i always make his place feel really comforting... that's so weird i wonder how it's possible i give the same vibes online.. but anyways im actually really glad that's the kind of vibe i give, cuz i also love this vibe!!! comfort and comforting things are really important to me

that's so cute... also first of all for you, that means you are such an attentive student and so hardworking for her to pay so much attention to you, so look at you you little academic star!!!!! you little academic you!!!! you little academia student you!!! so that's good for you

also that's so sweet of her... comforting older women <3 tbh the last thing i need rn is an irl older woman obsession like that shit always has me so down bad with a twinge of mommy complex LMFAO like i need that bus girl i mentioned before many eons ago (im trying again next semester cuz im a HARD WORKER)... but this aint about me... that's so good for you and that's so sweet of her <3

if you want to deepen a connection you should talk more about the subject, get her to recommend some interesting things for you to research and study and books to read, so she can start talking to you about things she likes on a personal level, and also this builds off of a good reputation you already have of being an attentive student who is interested in the class!! and ofc she sees you this way already as she has mentioned it

even if platonic (tho the gay panic is so real either way) a good connection with a professor you look up to within a topic you're interested in is a very good connection to have, you will always get something good from it

[the-official-account]

Episode 18 liveblog YIPEE!

Fewer opening notes on this one. I'm gonna attempt liveblogging AND drawing at the same time, let's see how that goes. I'm currently feeling very smug with my advertisement efforts and while I hope to get to spar and vellum today I realized I made Anya kinda thin and that feels...not right for her vibes. So I'm doing Anya again...that's my excuse JGLDKDHDIS she's so...she's like a purse sized friend

Anyways, beginning of this i was not in front of my art tablet so:

"we come as a pair" haha. Cute.

Cloven heart said OUR little brother figure [bugs bunny com meme]

Scientist with a radio tower.....max.....hm. interestinger an interestinger

Yeah josepha you might be the only person in town who wants cloven heart to be the "center" of anything. Why not sindershore? She already works....idk, there? Or in v.n

Vellum just pulls out the papers lmao. Like why not!

Max came up with the schematics... Did max disappear? Yeah. Hm. HM!

Josepha used to be a woodworker? Was I remembering that right or did my brain just make this up.

"We would talk to Thorne" 😬

MAX WHAT

THEIR NAME WAS MAX WHAT?

Did grey have like....a really shitty alias? How old was max??? Fifteen days ago.... Hmmm.

Vellum would know if his uncle was out of town for like 2 and a half months if there was overlap and it took like a day or half a day of a train ride to get back and forth. It's unlikely vellum wouldn't connect those dots

"I was on drugs when I named it I will be honest".josepha is SO good. She's lovely. She's so funny. Oh my god.

"This may not be to your taste of perhaps it is I do not know how you party vellum" NFOSBDKSHDO

"THINK I COULD ROCK THOSE"

"I ALSO DONT KNOW HOW YOU PARTY AGENT VELLUM"

Trying not to burst out laughing in public this is a struggggllleeee

"The belt has 3 slots for arcane cores" I would rather we not go looking for bombs.... But yk. Queer people have plenty of odd hobbies who am I to judge

Okay but like short distance teleportation for someone with a bad leg is a pretty banger deal

"Sometimes you wake up one day and you're retired" In THIS economy?

Also I'm mentioning this out of order bc this episode is being funny faster than I can type, but (I say this with all of the respect) was vellums "I'm sure I'll find other use for you" sultry or was that just Ila's voice? HFOSHSKSBSOS

Spar sounds so depressed. Give this sheep dog some enrichment!

Vellum being like 'Hey you're good we still need to find some more bombs!' he is in fact giving spar some enrichment

"Waiting for this boat and seemingly intent on returninf to clovenheart"

I just squinted with SO much suspicion that that would be diamond

"Is Brunhilde!!!" Dksgsud ok

"Do you say hi to your mom as you're pretending to arrest the chick you dated who you invited into her home on grounds of a repeat assault?" My god

Spar is ~5'8 tati is 5'3 very good to know

~ many hours later, now doing art stuff~

Vellum could fall on this face and STILL look cool

Anya spar and vellum having a snack has gotta go on my to-draw list (my mind is so fast and my hands are so not fast! Ahh!)

OH NEW MIDTRO isk if this was here last episode. OH SHITFUN FACTS? i love blorbo facts

he has written a SYMPHONY? The essentricism is genetic i think.... a smphony baout YEARNING FOR BELONGING? you are handing me a fic idea. NOTE: symphony driven by loss and isolation over being trans, having lost his parents, wanting to find a place where he's accepted

Smooth velvet is his stripper name this episode is just raining fic ideas, huh? (i am joking but also I am not joking. BUt im joking but im not joking....I am deciding if im joking)

DONT BE MEAN TO ISHBALA (spell chat tdb) SPAR!!!!!!

DONT BE MEAN TO GREGGINS EITHER!!! LJKSAFHGLKAHFGLAKSG

greggins binder generator.

[not episode related but im battling between having sincere thoughts about Anya's fashion sense and going "ooooh belly"]

I FEEL LIKE THIS IS PROBLEMATIC AND YOU'RE GONNA GET CANCELLED AND HERE'S WHY

ALSDHGLKASDHGASKGFASGD MY SWORDS A GHOST NOW OHHHH MY GOD I LOVE THEM

SEKITAN WAS A VICTIM....WOAH.......WOOOOAH.

ALTERATION RESISTANT BLOOD? HOOOOLY SHIT. WOAH. WOAH. WAOH MAN. WOW. FUUUUCK. i dont evne......

anya said hey your uhhhh. Your uhh special friend is little stressed. go makeout of whatever. THEY'RE WALKING ARM IN ARM LMAOOOO

ishbala just chose violence SO unprompted

[anya is drawn now for spar and vellum iterations i am...........Well to be fair i am Never very confident going in and it walways turns out okay!!!]

"*he puts a gun in vellums hands* its goot to know you're with someone who can protect you." s;aldfalsfdjaw awhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! SPAR DOESN'T GET PROTECTED SPAR IS ALWAYS THE ONE JUMPING IN FRONT OF THE BULLET DO YOU KJNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEEEEEEEANS TO ME?????

"when you got a good one you keep em" thats it thats spar

spar is correcting vellums stance and vellum must be SCREAMING inside lmao. Vellum focuses SO HARD on everything BUT spar directly behind him and accidentally becomes an expert

ARE THEY ALSO IMPRESSED BY THE SEXUAL TENSION

vellum, full on titanicking it with spar is trying VERY hard to respect boundaries and that is my FAVORITE kind of tension. "I am not making moves because i respect you as a person" is never not entertaining

STOP JUMPSCARING ME WITH THIS FUCKING KISSES I GASPED TOO HARD AND CHOKED ON MY SPIT HOLY FUCK. HOOOLY FUCK.

ughhhhh drawing kisses is such a pain but FUCK do i wanna.

oooh this new outro is so fancy!!!! i love the format changes that are happening here!

im torn between doing another episode tonight and saving it for tomorrow so I can focus fully on drawing.......ill feel out the vibes after i get spar's jaw right. LOVELY episode. spar is making moooooooves!!!!

@threeheartscast i almost forgot!

[rotisseries]

so. after liam gwts in the hunt, theo joins the  fight with scott. crazy how liam has a gf in all this. if shws ur girl why am i putting my hand on her seat to reverse. if shes your girl then why is she my salavation, why is she the one that helps me understand true good. if shes your girl than why is she the only one who understands me 🧐 . plot details. scott meets douglass down at the diverter. douglass brings the ghost riders behind him as an army and they surround scott and hes like "you of all people scott, should know what happens to a lone wolf" big theme of teen wolf is that wolves dont survive without a pack. theyre hunted,easily bc theres no one to protect them. they have no one. (ahem. theo) scott bouta lunge but then THEO GOES "he's not alone! he's got a pack." ans because we can never give theo a break, malia quickly says "and theo's not in it"  now the poor dude looks embarrassed. anyway they get the fightin🤞🏼 they eventually gets to the diverter and the train moves on  from beacon hills and order is restored and the ghost riders put their guns away and walk off . and douglass is like ????? COME BACK AND KILL THEM and theo, my beloved, sees him struggling and goes "yeah call your army back. or..dont they listen to you?" please. anyway douglass gets taken by the hunt and becomes a ghost rider. and we dont see theo after that. . disappears probably told to get lost after the fight. 6B starts up after summer break. theo isnt in the first episode as expected. liam is feeling really sad and depressed about being captain and about scott and stiles and lydia and malia leaving. and also about hayden moving "im nothing without her" liam please. and mason was like "its not like she dumped u or anything" but i mean they dont mention her again so might as well. and hes like "scotts leaving too😣" and mason is like "going to college is NOT leaving. its called growing up and we're all gonna be going to different colleges eventually" and mind you this conversation is happening while mason and his bf corey get liam dressed for lacrosse practice because the dude doesnt wanna move . anywah corey goes "wait i thought we were both applying to ucla?" AND LIAM GOES 😨YOU GUES ARE GOING TO THE SAME COLLEGE . putting him deeper in the depression. and mason like "thats not the point" and liam goes "what is the point😞" and hes like "summers almost over we're about to be seniors and this is about to be the best year of our entire lives and" mason and corey are dragging him out the locker room "youre captain of the lacrosse team so come onn" (btw theo is like a year older than liam i guess?) hes late for practice btw when this is happening.

liam is so dramatic he's just like me fr

[gabapentinblues]

12.29.2024 nightly journal entry. (for anyone who wants to read about my life) tw; sh and substances

walked to seven eleven with my friend this morning and got coffee and a white monster and drank both right away so i really caffeinated and it felt nice. it was foggy and rainy outside but not that cold. wore the flannel i got with her yesterday at goodwill and the beanie i got for christmas. we dyed our hair yesterday and watched a horror movie, might watch another tonight. im trying to stay up later so im not sleeping so much and also wanting to have some more rituals and take better care of myself.

vi and i talked about me maybe getting a social worker but it seems really difficult for some reason. she tried to help me by looking things up before i left this morning which was sweet. she told me to mention it to my therapist so i probably will and maybe she can help me too.

i drove and hour back home n drank the rest of my monster and it was rainy, i called another friend bc she said her grandpa passed away suddenly yesterday but shes estranged from her family so she was feeling weird about the whole thing. i told her id come visit for the day.

stopped at home first and self harmed bc its just a habit at this point. i got blood on my clothes and didnt even care. i also cut on my forearm which i never do but i was just really craving that spot, i just dont like to bc its pretty visible and i dont have much space between my tattoos, but anyway it wasnt even that satisfying. i cut a lot and called my mom jbc i feel obligated to, we didnt really talk abt anything.

i still wanna tell her i just want to break my lease and move home bc i dont feel like i can do this anymore.

drove over to see my other friend and she made me more coffee, i visited w her and her cats. we're playing thru a video game together. i smoked a little even tho im trying to stop. tomorrow i'll try to go the whole day. we walked to target in the rain and i got some groceries i needed and discount press on nails

we made ramen w chili crisp which was really good. i talked about how i just still feel sad and fucked up about my break up and just depressed and lonely in general no matter what i do.

i texted another friend who im getting closer with happy birthday and she told me she cares about me and that she hopes i start feeling better soon. we've been texting back and forth today. i also heard from someone ive been talking with romantically on and off for a few months, im not expecting much there but maybe it will go somewhere. she wished me happy holidays and thats basically been it.

been avoiding the girl i kissed and had a nice date with at the start of december bc i dont trust myself to be able to maintain it and i just feel like she'll end up disappointed or just totally disinterested bc im uninteresting and unhappy so often. it just feels like another austin situation where she'll just get bored of me and i'll like her too much and be left behind.

got back to my apartment as it was getting dark without self harming again even though i really thought about it. avoiding all the dishes in my sink and avoided eating dinner. what i ate at my friends was fine. i had a breakfast and a lunch and the meds i needed to take. put on my cheap press ons, listening to music.

took a lot of gabapentin and i have a bad headache rn that i thought would go away but im just gonna ignore it. getting used to using this chromebook. i wouldnt have typed a post so long otherwise. maybe i'll do these every night, idk. ive missed typing on a keyboard. and knowing that my journal entries are going somewhere other than my notebooks is kinda nice

i guess its just another way to process things. maybe i'll work on writing styles and making it readable and engaging. for now its just stream of conciousness.

trying to drink enough water. gonna do my skincare. pick a movie to watch, and maybe set up a few more things on here before i go to sleep. maybe i'll read a little bit too. i want to start feeling better, i want to feel like im working towards something. im tired of everyday feeling like endless sameness.

anyway, goodnight

[nathank77]

9/5/24

9:12 p.m- Added to 9:30 p.m/ Added to again at 10 p.m

I mean I think he wants to disappear on me and I'm making it difficult for him. I want to believe he is a good person and something not so bad happened but he couldn't make it. And he is recovering but if nothing happened he had me sit there for 30 minutes during which time he purposely ignored me and let me sit there while I was worried about him.

I actually looked at obituaries bc I'd like to believe he is a good person but I doubt it at this point.

I guess I'll try to find another therapist. I won't talk to them about Kristen bc it may be the reason the new ones disappear.... and I won't mention my hallucination bc I mean that could be a reason too. I won't talk to them about microsleep. I won't talk to them about anything. My dogs. My anxiety.

I won't open up. Then why would they abandon me? I mean I won't have much to talk about. I'll just talk about ocd and barely talk. Cause I mean being open isn't working.

Mike I'm almost positive doesn't want to deal with me. I mean he brought up mania bc of white mulberries... and I fought him bc I'm not fucking manic. I didn't yell at him but I brought up 500 facts about why I'm not. And he at the end of the appt was like okay you aren't manic.

Idk I just need therapy at this point bc I need to stay on disability to stay alive.. I need real therapy but therapists don't want to deal with the real me I mean it is what it is.

I feel like he is either trying to stick a label on me that truly doesn't fit. Or he wants to make me mad. If he has been listening I'm so not manic. You could prove I have ptsd. I mean a voice comes from ptsd but the ptsd is from the voice and microsleep.

If I can accept i have psychosis, why can't I accept that I'm maniac? Wouldn't that be better? I mean label wise??? I am not maniac. That's the thing. I'm not reckless. I'm not anything like a maniac person. I don't suffer from mania. I'm not even depressed. Sure I get really fucking sad cause my life sucks but! I also spent a lot of time gaming and doing things I love. I'm so motivated to find all the collectibles and figure out the whole resident evil 7 game.

I want to 100% the achievements and do all the dlcs. I also want to get resident evil 8 and do all the same.

Beyond that I want to play resident evil one. I own it already and I'm excited it's like silent hill with the controls and puzzles...

I mean I have motivation. I have pleasure doing things I love. I want to go to the gym but I can't afford it and I'm not reckless so I'm not getting a gym membership.

If I was truly maniac I could accept it bc I can accept that I virtually have schizophrenia for christ sake. I'm not indenial.... the shoe doesn't fit.

I have ptsd. I have psychosis or schizophrenia if that's what you want to call it but it's psychosis bc the voice got lower.

I mean if the shoe fit for mania I'd accept it but it DOESN'T. So this is why I argue back. White mulberries don't have a LD50 per several research studies... but either way we butt heads and it annoys him that I don't roll over.

I'm not getting assigned a label that is incorrect. He doesn't even believe psychosis is real. But it is. The voice gave me ptsd. Now I have ptsd from the voice and microsleep.

I am not hypomanic.

If I could get my hdcp bypasser to work I'd be super excited to work on my shattered memories Playlists for alternate ending guides. I'd be super excited to work on my sh2 greatest hits alternate ending guides.

I don't match the symptoms. The label doesn't fit cause I truly am not manic. And I'm sorry but im going to butt heads with you about that label bc it's wrong.

Label me with what I have: psychosis, ptsd, panic attacks and anxiety thats my true diagnoses.

Anyways look at how fucking much fun I had playing re7. I'm already on my second playthrough half way through with half the collectibles and I'm fucking loving it.

I want to buy them all but most of them aren't first person which is the only off putting thing for me. But moral of the story is if you try to label me I'll fight you with facts.

If he said you have psychosis ld say ummm yes I do. If he said you have ptsd I'd say yes i do. If he said I think the voice became apart of your ptsd I'd say maybe. Cause it's not impossible but that's not how it started. It started with psychosis.

If he said i have schizophrenia I'd fight it bc I don't have visuals which is a hallmark and i have no negative symptoms. I just suffer from auditory and tactile. It's 1000% psychosis.

And ptsd induced by psychosis and microsleep. I tried to sleep I wasn't up all day playing vjdeo games cleaning the house and running errands I laid there for hours 20 hours a day trying to the sleep. The remaining 4 hours I used the bathroom and cooked food. I showered and then tried to sleep.

I don't have mania of course I'm going to buttheads with him about it.

[yippieitsarvensart]

OK OK SO !!! HCS FIRST 👇👇

both the tweels > bpd, autistic. also partially blind in both eyes and wear contacts (morays have shit eyesight), their vision gets shittier the lighter the ambient, + they have shit balance but are pretty fast. they have long hair shaved on both sides, are black w/ vitiligo, notable on their face on the same side of their black hair strand (stolen hc), and have freckles with their merform's colors. oh and their gills never go out so they can breathe underwater + their ears are that shape i drew on floyd always, bc the potion cant take those things away. they have some scars from brawls in the ocean. in my head they also purr. AND theyre both transfem. to me. (they use any prns but mostly he/she) + theyre every gender under the sun & bissexual/panssexual, they date everyone regardless of gender

floyd specific > adhd. gets overwhelmed pretty easily and his meltdowns consist of him whining and crying and breaking stuff and wanting attention. can understand tone when hes in a good mood only + has super control of his tone & voice, not masking just very good w it. he can toletare tight clothing but as long as its 1 item, prefers large ones. also he likes enclosed spaces and needs stimulation 24/7, never stops never stills, either has music or is fidgeting. special interest is fashion (mostly shoes) :3c

jade specific > slight ocd. its not that big but its there. hard to get overwhelmed but when he does he breaks and throws everything around him, even people. has more difficulty w tone and his face + voice is almost always stuck in that customer service one, poor guy. absolutely LOVES tight clothing and tight spaces. hes not very hyperative hes just chillin most of the time. vibrating slightly sometimes when hes vv happy. special interest is mushrooms ofc!

bonus riddle > bdp, autistic, ocd. also has depression & anxiety. uses he/she and is transfem bigender sapphilean (mlm wlw) ! the white strand you comented abt on my art (thank you sm for the kind comments btw <33) is a hc that i have about the after effects of chap 6. she ended up having that white strand and cant seem to get it out no matter what... has dyed it before but gave up eventually. anyways she has chronic pain on her wrists bc of writing so much! i also hc that his overblot left burn scars on his arms, legs & face. in the begginings of nrc time he had an ED, but after his 3rd year he was very recovered and is now pudgy. her special interests are books & hedgehogs :D

(+ i can talk abt silver & sebek if you want :3c)

ANYWAYSS, jchshjds riddle is so silly hes so unaware of social clues poor guy..... its so funny that hes the only one out of the loop there. but they work it out eventually....

honestly im convinced sebek would try asking him on a date and riddle would accept but he would know it was a date. and this happened for a long time. until riddle told trey & cater about him, sebek and silver hanging out and they were like "riddle.... thats a date.... you guys are doing things boyfriends do" and hes all "we are What." jdjwndjsn

I DO HAVE TIME give me some ingredients (ideas) and i'll cook (write) . bc unfortunelly i am not so big on ideas rn 😔😔

also THE IMAGE ?!!??!(($!? HGJDHS ive saved it its so silbekrid....

I was literally looking at this in the morning while eating breakfast like "I'll respond to this after I eat" Now, 7:30pm, I start writing out a response. smh.

YOU LITERALLY HAVE THE CREATIVEST MIND EVER?? THE REALEST THOUGHTS IN THE GALAXY???

I have actually mentioned before that I also think the twins have shit eyesight and how I think it goes down is like; ONLY JADE uses contacts, Floyd finds the idea of putting those things ON YOUR EYEBALLS is like actually disgusting he would rather DIE. So he- Like Jade -Has prescription glasses, but he never uses them unless he's in his own room and wants to actually see clearly. Azul insists he wears them while working in the lounge because he doesn't need Floyd tripping over and breaking things, it would be annoying to clean up after him. (translated: I really don't want you to get hurt please wear ur glasses so I can stop worrying about you) I don't actually have hcs for the twins' sexualities n' genders but I feel like they're so nonbinary spectrum 2 me... and also bi/pan is so real 2me now thhank you... Tweels purring real... idc if eels can't actually purr they can now... The separate-specific hcs I agree with it all, very very super real

YES go ahead and talk about the other two as well I love your massive awesome brain it's so full of things and I need to study you under a microscope methinks... I love love love Silver especially, he's one of the characters that when I hadn't played twst yet he caught my eyeee and I was like !!!! :OOO pretty boy alert!! Although with Sebs it took a little longer, I've only just recently started liking him a lot more but with the help of hcs and deep diving into lore I have quickly warmed up to his character... Love the boy Love him <33

and Riddllleeee... ohhh Riddle <3333 I'm #FallingInLove for real (take this part as inspo for a fic if you want boo, I can write prompts all day) Riddle just being so confused when caycay n' Trey tell her he's been going on dates this whole time. Like why didn't I get told about this. Have we been dating this entire time and I didn't know. And then she has a crisis and freaks out about it because "what if Sebek and Silver didn't know either and they are literally just my friends and they see me as a friend-" and all these 'what if's' go through his head and it makes him go. coo-coo. So he's extra irritable, too many heads are rolling once again, and she's trying extra hard to avoid/ignore/turn down any of Sebek's and Silver's offers to hang out BECAUSE SHE JUST FEELS SO AWFUL ABOUT IT like they really. REALLY need to talk it out. SebeSil go to someone else (can't think of any1 rn, maybe lilia?) to ask for advice on what to do... AUUGHHH then idk 1000 words later they k-k-kiss and make up (like the song. aha)

[elftwink]

also the sheer number of unfinished cr2 fics i have on my hard drive is like. kind of embarrassing honestly mf you couldn’t finish more than one of these and you had seven on the go? and the only one i ended up actually sharing was one i wrote in like 2 days everything else has like. weeks and in one case months of work and they are Just There

[fatui-harbingers]

I get so annoyed when I tell people I've been depressed since I was 10 then they act like my mom's death when I was 17 is what it is lmao. Do I gotta tell em I've wanted to die since I was 10 for them to understand??? Probably wouldn't work either bc they like to say I'm unhappy bc I didn't get to socialize with my crappy friends (some of who actually did things that made my depression worse and triggered my first suicidal thoughts) and I'm like???? Our mom didn't actually want to pull us out of school but we begged so she did, bc she listened to us, unlike many parents. Why is it is hard for people to accept people are depressed for no apparent reason?

[wavesmp3]

i miss writing :((

[actualbird]

fic where aaron is on vacation and luke needs to find mission injury first aid elsewhere

content warnings: violence, blood, injury, vomiting. luke pearce has a fun life, thats for sure!

wc: 1.2k

i want aaron to go on vacation with his wife (i think he needs a break, pls, surgeons do so much work and need to rest and also i think aaron needs some time to (lovingly) recharge from supporting the shitass mental health of stellis' most depressed detective) and it's a long one, i want him gone for a month doing stupidly romantic and relaxing activities with mrs. yishmir off in a wonderful beautiful location because aaron deserves time off and mrs. yishmir deserves her hot hot husband to shower her in attention

but also luke now doesnt have a doctor he go to when he gets injured

and like LUKE OFC TRIES TO JUST HANDLE EVERYTHING HIMSELF. oh he got stabbed tailing that one person? he'll do the stitches!! got his shoulder dislocated? easy peasy, he'll pop it back in the socket himself!! rib fracture? ehhhhh, so long as the bone didnt pierce his lungs, it's not too bad, honestly

aaron, from his vacation location: .....he's being stupid, i can feel it

mrs. yishmir: hes not your problem right now!!!

but yea luke tries to keep it under wraps but there are some injuries a person cant take care of on their own. luke is maybe just bleeding out in some alley and the pain of having a profusely bleeding wound is NOTHING to the emotional agony of him having to go thru his contacts and figure out whose day he needs to ruin

luke, in a phonecall: hey uh. are you busy? if you are, thats okay, i'll hang up. actually, im hanging up now! bye! im SO SORRY FOR CALLING I'LL---

artem, grumbling: where are you?

artem finds him and is FRIGGING AGHAST AND HORRIFIED and luke explains NO HOSPITALS bc the cases hes on this month are vaguely NSB-adjacent and need to stay off the record for a bit and artem is very very conflicted because Damn It Luke, He's An Attorney, Not A Doctor! but he helps luke out anyway because luke mentioned on that call to bring a roll of duct tape and so he did and luke makes grabby hands for the tape and just

tapes the wound shut

luke: there we go, all better!

artem: NO IT'S NOT

but it works to keep the bleeding at bay until they get to luke's place and luke can do some actual stitches. artem hovers from corner to corner, handing luke everything he needs worriedly and trying not to think about how luke's blood is on his hands (and the floor, and the bedsheets, and---)

once luke is done, he sighs and flops down onto the bed.

luke: thank you so much for helping, artem. im good now, so you can go.

artem: im not going

luke: WHAT.

artem is NOT GOING!!! luke was on death's doorstep an hour ago and artem legit wouldnt be able to fall asleep if he left luke alone right now (actually, hes probably not gonna be able to fall asleep very well for the next month, what with how hes seen not just his friend injured but how hes seen that friend patch himself up with such practiced motions that it's clear to artem that this happens a lot. and that luke always deals with it on his own).

cue luke trying to shoo artem away, his guilt increasing by the second, and artem just refuting all of his arguments and settling on luke's beanbag. luke cant even get artem to take the bed because artem is like "IT'S COVERED IN YOUR BLOOD" and luke is like "okay, fair point" so artem stays

the next morning, luke groggily wakes up to artem making an iron rich breakfast in the kitchen

and also i want this to happen to the other boys in the nxx too

luke gets non lethally poison darted one night and needs to get somewhere he can scream and vomit in safety and the closest place is not his own apartment but marius' art studio. luke has the audacity to kNOCK POLITELY ON THE DOOR and

marius: hey---jesus CHRIST you look like shit

luke: im fiiiine. one sec tho //turns to throw up on the grass

marius: OH MY GOD, GET IN HERE YOU IDIOT

marius stays with luke all throughout the effects of the poison and it's mostly just sitting by luke as he shivers and hurls stomach acid into the toilet. marius keeps things lighthearted by comparing it all to how marius took care of drunk friends back in undergrad and even though luke is dry heaving every other second, marius' words still make him laugh.

once it's over, marius does Not let luke leave. he just pulls out the sofa bed and plops luke onto it and says "if you even TRY to get up im telling miss lawyer and then youre life will be over" and so luke stays and rests

luke HOPED that he'd never have to bother vyn bc usually all his dumbass injuries happen in the dead of the night and vyn Is Asleep but fuck you luke pearce, everybody gets a turn to bandage your wounds fondly and call you an idiot (or something adjacent).

so vyn gets home in the afternoon from his classes and goes to check on his garden and finds an unmoving body in the rose bushes and when he gets closer, he sees it's luke. worryingly unconscious but vyn checks his pulse and sighs with relief. then vyn sees the little note in luke's hand and it says

"hi, vyn! im so sorry! mission stuff happened and i got hit with something thats putting me to sleep and your place was the closest so just let me chill here for a few hours and"

the note cuts off there, the writing turning into unintelligible noodles

vyn sighs, this time not in relief but in "is he serious?" vyn might not be the nicest person but hes not going to leave his friend out cold in the BUSHES (no matter how lovely those bushes are, thank you very much). so vyn has to lug luke's body ("how...are you so heavy...") into his living room and he sets luke onto the couch. luke doesnt seem to be injured anywhere, but the expression on his face is one of distress.

vyn switches on his record player and plays a vinyl. slow and calm music. something that'll hopefully let luke sleep easier.

as the notes play in the air, luke calms, and so vyn calms and just starts doing his work in the living room to watch over him

luke wakes up HOURS later and apologizes profusely and vyn is like "none of your apologies are accepted also stop talking so loud im going to bed. i made you dinner, by the way, it's on the dining table in a plastic container, do not let it go to waste."

luke takes the dinner home and he finds a note in the container. "stop apologizing for needing help." it's curt and to the point but luke wants to cry a little bit at it because he can tell when vyn is showing kindness

by the way, ALL the boys tell mc what happened and she gets worried ofc but also shes just glad luke went to people he trusted. she hopes that one day, he'll trust her too. he'll trust her enough to let her take care of him

but until then, there are people in luke's corner always willing to help