#and also have a gender crisis you're trying to avoid thinking about

[silverior968]

I might have just read the entirety of Fables Compendium One in less than 24 hours. 1180 comic pages. Oopsie daisy.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi Sex witch, I'm almost 26, afab agender, and I have been trying to have sex for some time but the idea of being on the receiving end of things makes my heart go into a frenzy. I'm more than happy to show my date a great time, but only as a giver. I used to have panic attacks when I dated men. The first woman I got in bed with wanted a lavishly feminine night, with both of us in dresses and her dominating me after a little roleplay of the reverse, which resulted in a screaming breakup because she said I needed therapy before sex if I was expecting fixed positions "like men" in a lesbian relationship. This was of course, before I came out as agender. I'm dating someone very sweet and I want to move forward, but I'm scared of freaking her out or freaking myself out.

I've never had any kind of trauma, unless you count the years of gender dysphoria, but my parents are extremely supportive and my sister even moreso. It's all just me, getting the sudden pang of remixed dysphoria and identity crisis when I'm put in the position where I'll have to accept whatever the other person does to me, even after we've discussed things beforehand. I'm really not having a good time, especially on tumblr where everyone expects the recipient experience to be universal. Is it internalized misogyny at play?

hi anon,

I'm really sorry for the difficulty you've had, and especially the catastrophically uncool response you got from the first woman you hooked up with. if I may be so bold, that's a wildly inappropriate response to finding out that a partner doesn't want to get fucked. taking turns is all fine and well, but if you're worried about enforcing violent patriarchy in the bedroom then surely you shouldn't be screaming at someone for expressing a boundary?

look, anon: I think you're just a stone top. you're down to clown with getting your partners off but don't want to anyone touching you, and that's fine. awesome, even! there's long and noble history of stone tops, pillars of the community. it is literally just another type of sexual preference, and while it may not be compatible with the way every potential partner likes to have sex, it's certainly not a sign of anything wrong with you that needs to be unpacked or pathologized.

I don't see why this would freak your partner out; it's just something to talk about before you have sex. a lot of hurt and misunderstanding can be avoided by just talking through your wants and expectations before sex, ESPECIALLY when there's a Hard No at play like this. talk about what's off the table for you, but also what you DO like and want to do with your partner! boundaries don't take the fun out of sex, they teach you how to make it a better time for everyone, and any potential sexual partner who sees setting expectations for sex as a bad thing is someone who needs to be taken off of the "potential partner" list immediately.

lastly no, it's not misogyny to not want to bottom. there is no moral component to sexual proclivities, especially not in this case.

[emojellyace08]

Ahh! I love your writing and I'm curious about how Samuel would take witnessing the person he is in love with confessing to Jake. Just fun lil angst I thought about 💜

Samuel Seo x Reader feat. Jake Kim "I shouldn't have cared in the first place" Angst oneshot

Damn this is actually a good idea @vibinbugg. (I like Jake Kim more in terms of character but I tend to relate with Samuel sometimes...). And sorry if this is late and rushed but I tried my best lol so I hope you like it. Genre: angst 🥀 Slight warnings: insecurities, third wheels, inferiority complex (not recommended in real life go talk to your buddies when you have problems like this), arguing/shouting, always being the second choice (Samuel's POV) Reader is gender neutral

He's like a raging storm that comes in everybody's way. When he gets ticked off, you're facing off a dangerous monster. He's destructive, fearless, and most especially not the best person to cross with. He'll get what he wants, no matter who or what fuckers comes in his way. He just doesn't care.

When it comes to love, Samuel is having a bit of mental crisis on it. Romance, caring, social and emotional connection? He doesn't need any of those. He looks down to love as a big sign of weakness. His mom never cared about him in the first place, his so called "friends" in Big Deal couldn't stand him, and most especially,

he couldn't even care for himself.

Samuel's ego gets in the way sometimes no matter how hard he tries to ease himself down. And no matter how he doesn't want to admit it, he's somehow insecure. He wants to be the best, the strongest of them all even he does cruel and unforgivable things just to be satisfied. But no matter how many money he is payed, how many enemies he took down with his brutal strength, he couldn't find the satisfaction that he's looking for. Something is, what's the word? Missing?

Then you came into his life.

Your fragile, naïve, and most especially weak. You are the thing Samuel hated the most. He sees you as someone who couldn't even protect themselves and is always looking for love. Ready to please everybody even though you're already being abused. It kind of reminded him of himself when he's younger. He can see his own reflection on your eyes as you pleaded for help. He wants nothing to do with you. And he couldn't even empathize anymore. He will always try to stop the tears that threatened to fall from his always gloomy and dark eyes, letting himself to feel numb. He just felt tired and exhausted to even cry, let alone live. But something about you caught his attention. You may not be the best in looks, but you got that thing called "charm". Is it because the way you smiled? The way you're always genuinely complimenting him? Your innocence? Your body? Your positive and optimistic thinking? He couldn't even find the answers for himself.

Samuel wants to avoid you. Samuel wants to be away from you. But you're like the flaming light on the dark and he's the moth who's attracted to you. You're the light that he's been looking for all of his life. You feel so warm in the cold and dark nights. You're like the burning fire that makes him comfortable on his own skin. You thought him to be not so hard on himself. You thought him that opening up to someone isn't a sign of weakness. It's in fact a sign of strength, that building memorable and fun memories isn't something to be ashamed of. It may be a slow and steady process, but Samuel was thankful for it.

You thought him to be more human.

He can't help but to admire you more and more as he stays on your side which gladly you didn't mind. You protected him when everybody is going up against him even though he knows he's on the wrong. He really appreciates you a lot even when it's not so obvious. He does try to be caring and open. It's not only because of you who taught him to love himself even more, but you also thought him to love others. And that person that he only cared about is you.

But no matter how many times he wants to be more honest and open about his feelings, Samuel couldn't seem to do it. He felt like someone is stopping and threatening him.

He could have confessed to you on the first place.

Samuel is standing there, watching you and Jake hug as you sobbed on his arms as he smiles and patting your back. Not going to lie, he does find this suspicious at first. You promised him that when you're having issues with your personal life you will open to him. Why is Jake touching you? Hugging you? He knows he has no right to be jealous about. You and him are probably just friends and you even said to himself that it's okay to talk to others and still be loyal to one another. But he soon did change his mind when you announced that you find yourself a loving boyfriend.

"Guys, I want you to take a seat and listen to Jake right now". You asked as Sinu, Jerry, Lineman, Jason, Brad and other Big Deal members sat down, including no other than Samuel Seo himself just standing and leaning on the door. He notices the change of atmosphere on the place as you and Jake held hands together. This can't be happening.

"I just found myself a perfect girlfriend/boyfriend!" Jake shouted as the crowd cheered and congratulated for the both of you. You're smiling and happy. But of course Samuel isn't pleased with this as it let a bitter taste on his mood. It's like his life just shattered into pieces. He couldn't have you, the only person he cared and he would die for. He felt like his life is back from square one. He's the monster he is again. The hateful and prideful monster.

He's agitated, stressed, and most especially he wants to let out his rage. From all the other people you can pick besides him, you chose Jake? His enemy? His rival?

The celebration continued as you noticed your best friend missing. He wasn't in the party as Sinu poured more Soju on Lineman's shot glass as everybody cheered and half of them drunk, knocked down on the floor.

"Looking for someone?" Jake embraced your body as he leans on your shoulder making you chuckle. "I was just looking for Sammy, did you spot him around?" you questioned in an octave whisper as he answers that he didn't even have a chat with him on the first place. You managed to convince your boyfriend to look for him alone as he does seemed to be a bit curious. But he still let you go on your own.

After looking around the street and other places, you managed to find Samuel on one of the terrace buildings. He stood there watching the view as you can smell the hint of cigarettes.

"Smoking again?" you teased him as he doesn't respond to you. He just stood there minding his own business. You decided to go stay beside him. But the moment you looked on your side he was now walking away from you.

"Hey what's wrong? Are you alri-" he slapped your hand away as you tried reaching out to him. You were completely confused on why he's acting like this again. Did you do something bad?

"Hey, why are you acting like this? I didn't get into trouble again!" you shouted as he sighs. He is now walking towards you, but something felt different. Something odd and disturbing as you felt like a lamb on the wolf's trap.

"Fuck off."

"Wha-what?"

"Didn't you hear me? Fuck off."

You stood there frozen on your place as you felt offended by Samuel's words. He's not like this, well of course with you. 'He-hey what do you mean by that?" you confronted him as you felt desperate for answers. "Did I do something wrong to offend you this badly?" "Shut up." "Why?! You promised me that if you have a proble-" "I said shut the fuck up!" he shouted as he kicks the wooden table filled with ash treys and the pack of cigarettes he has bought for himself. You're now crying as warm tears fall down on your doe-like eyes. You're scared of Samuel, you're scared of something that he hates. This side of himself that he couldn't even control.

"What did I do wrong huh?" "Wha-what do you mea-" "Am I not good enough? Am I still acting like an asshole to you that you made yourself pick that retard!". It then clicked on you. Does he likes you in that way? "I fucking sacrificed myself, my own well being and pride just so I can be a good influence on you, but YOU DON'T FUCKING APPECIATE IT! YOU DON"T FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME!" "I DO CARE ABOUT YOU!" "THEN WHY HIM!" he shouted as you can see for the first time Samuel crying. It's mixed with anger, fear, desperation, and betrayal.

"I-I..." You tried to to find your words but your sobbing makes it everything worst as Samuel chuckles. It's not because of mockery. But he's desperate for words, for answers. But it looks like you couldn't even talk straight.

He walks away with him picking his coat and his fresh pack of cigarettes while you limp down on the floor crying out. He doesn't mean to hurt you, but he doesn't know how to apologize now that he had made you cry, the thing that he promised to himself that he wouldn't do so that you can trust him more.

"I'm leaving".

"What?"

"I'm not coming back to this place. Jake better treats you right because I'm not going to be here to save you". he huffed as he exhales the smoke coming from his mouth. You don't want him to leave. You want him to be on your side, but it looks like you couldn't even convince him to stay for a little longer as he walks away from the scene leaving you emotionally wounded that the scars will probably not fade for a very long time.

Samuel walks down the stairs as he sees no other than Jake himself. Panting as he ran as he noticed the muscular male smoking, but this times his eyes looks so sore and red.

"Where's Y/N?" He raised his eyebrow in question as he hears your cries of agony echoes the staircase. He stood there in shock as he tries to reach to you but Samuel is blocking the way.

"Move!"

"Get out of the way." "I said, MOVE YOU FUCKING BASTA-"

Jake couldn't even complete his sentence as Samuel punched him on the face. This continued for a while as they fought on the building throwing kicks and punches on each other until they are both bleeding and limping.

"Listen to me you little bitch, you better take care of Y/N or I'm taking her away from you myself". Samuel whispered onto Jake's ears as he pulls his ear then smashing his face on the concrete floor then walking away on the scene, bloodied and bruised. Good thing Jake was able to walk up and check on you. You told him the whole thing that happened of course. He was worried that something else might have occurred. But you reassured him that Samuel didn't inappropriately touched you, but he did sure hurt your feelings a lot making you feel guilty and shameful about your choice.

He could have been more honest with you. Now he realizes that it's not Jake who is the threat that is trying to take away you from him. It's himself. The devil inside him who's been feeding on his insecurities and feeling like you're too far from his league. The way he shouted and screamed at you, the way he handled the situation poorly and immaturely makes him hate himself more. He will never ever forgive himself.

Now Samuel is back on the streets, hungry for blood and power. You are indeed a burning flame. You're warm and you are his comfort. But the moment he has tried to get closer to you, your passion and caring side slowly burned him like his moth wings. Leaving him hurt and blinded by the illusion that he'll be ever be good enough to be with you.

[dukeofankh]

Hey, I don't think I've seen people talk about this much but the now almost memeified concept that living as a woman under patriarchy means you understand how men think... y'all do understand that that's bullshit, right?

Like, think literally whatever you want to about men's thoughts and motives, stay safe, I'm not trying to tell you to trust dudes more or something. I've just seen so many poorly written thinkpieces and posts and comments by women about the interior lives of men, usually as part of discussions of toxic masculinity or in response to masculinity crisis type discourse. And I am tired. So many women acting like an authority while being so thoroughly out of their lane.

By all means, do what you need to do to not get eaten by the metaphorical grizzly bear that lives in your neighborhood. Swap stories and tactics among yourselves about the bear's behavior patterns, apparent triggers, ways to stay safe. That's not even sarcastic. Do that. I do not begrudge women that. It is dangerous out there. There is a fucking bear in the neighborhood. Bears can be dangerous.

...but you see how that's not actually like, learning anything about the internal life of the bear, right? Like, you do not gain the knowledge of living as the bear just by avoiding its claws.

And I wanna make this clear, you are not required to give a fuck about that. You don't have to! Your main concern can be not being eaten by the bear. I am not saying you owe the bear empathy while it is in the process of mauling you.

But there are some conversations right now about like, the state of masculinity. How to grow and change and iterate away from patriarchal/protofascist concepts that eat men from the inside out. How to build new community, new identity, how to offer a sense of welcome and guidance but also freedom. Conversations about how it feels to be a man. What men want, and why they want it. Conversations going from the inside out. Hell, even a lot of conversations about why men act in toxic ways and how to prevent men from turning into manosphere misogynists necessarily require understanding the motives and interior life of a person, and why men are attracted to harmful ideologies.

Evading the bear does not, in and of itself, give you an expert voice to bring to...bear...on that conversation.

And as a sidebar I do want to say, there are women who absolutely have developed wisdom about men, but they didn't gain it by engaging with them solely as a threat. Even if their perspectives are a complement to mens perspectives on their own gender and not a replacement for it, it isn't impossible, it just usually involves having literally dozens and dozens of deeply raw conversations with men and learning how they see the world. Susan Faludi, bell hooks, those women are out there. But unless you've done that work yourself you don't get to use the existence of those women to add unearned weight to your unexamined presumptions about what men must be like.

If engaging with conversations with and about men as full people and not just misogyny demons would be triggering for you, then you absolutely do not have to, and frankly shouldn't, just wade on in there. Because, while you do know what you're talking about, the thing you're talking about isn't actually what is being discussed.

[ink-flavored]

🙄 Is there a particular kind of sex scene that bothers you to read? How would you improve it?

🙋 How comfortable are you with people you know reading your sex scenes?

🙌 What is, in your opinion, the best sex scene you’ve ever written? Best is subjective here—sexiest, most emotional, well-written, etc. It means anything you want it to mean!

🎁 If you could give one piece of advice about writing sex and/or kink to your fellow writers, what would it be?

thank you!! <3

🙄 Is there a particular kind of sex scene that bothers you to read? How would you improve it?

The pervasive description of bottom/receiving partners being dainty and feminine and helpless and weak etc. etc., while the top/penetrating partner is always aggressive to the point where it's like they actually mad about having sex. Obviously if this is what you're into, no shaming, but the over-emphasis of it really bothers me. Like describing a bottom, regardless of their actual presentation, as dainty and flowery, and a top, regardless of their presentation, as aggressive and demanding......it gets so exhausting aren't you tired

To improve this, I would simply destroy all sex and gender roles. Problem solved.

Okay but actually, I really do think that just toning down the language used would make this way more palatable? To me? You don't need to describe how frail the bottom is every three sentences, and it's not like it's a sin to have a helpless/aggressor power dynamic in your sex scene. I just wish it wasn't so pervasive and "beat you over the head" persistent.

And just personally, in my own writing, I want to interrogate how I write sex scene to avoid this as much as I can, unless I'm including it for kinky reasons.

Also, petty dislike: "mewl" is probably the least sexy word I've ever heard in my life. I would improve all sex scenes by removing this word.

🙋 How comfortable are you with people you know reading your sex scenes?

Pretty comfortable! Most of my friends know I write sex, and I know at least of few of them have read some of it. If and when I publish something with sex in it, my parents will almost certainly buy a copy of whatever it is to support me. If they read it, I can't imagine myself caring too much. They're adults, they've had two kids, they can handle it. Same with my extended family, though I can't imagine most of them would be into the kind of things I write anyway. I just don't see it as something to be ashamed of, and I'm lucky to not know the kinds of people who would shame me for it.

🙌 What is, in your opinion, the best sex scene you’ve ever written? Best is subjective here—sexiest, most emotional, well-written, etc. It means anything you want it to mean!

YOU'VE ASKED THIS BEFORE AND IT'S GIVING ME JUST AS MUCH OF A CRISIS

I'm going to answer on a criteria I've been tentatively striving for in my sex and kink writing: can I write something I'm not personally into and still make it sexy?

I think I achieved this during Kinktober Day 26's prompt, Knife Play, because I personally am not into knife play at all, nor S&M, nor the specific kind of CNC they were doing in this scene. Despite this, I think I did a pretty good job making it hot for the people who are into that stuff!

🎁 If you could give one piece of advice about writing sex and/or kink to your fellow writers, what would it be?

Don't think too hard about it. Well, think a bit hard, because writing something that makes you horny is always good, but don't overthink it. Have you ever heard the phrase: "Write drunk, edit sober"? You should write horny, jerk off to it, then edit it when you're done.

[try out my sex & kink ask game for writers]

[mythvoiced]

-. CORE SPECIAL EDITION: the trifecta of new muses: june, aaron, lián

they're beautiful. i've been reading some manhwa and manhua here and there lately and i just sort of dig just how many 'gosh he's so beautiful' shots you get lmao makes me chuckle sensibly, yes mx author draw attention to this guy's waist one more time, go ahead--

their 'oh he's so pretty/handsome/beautiful/ethereal' is also meant to directly juxtapose their attitude btw so we're having FUN hehehe~

june looks like androgynous sex on legs (the phan's can't do gender) and he does like pretending he's promiscuous because it makes most people uncomfortable, but he's just a guy who is cat coded that's all

aaron is on the shorter side of things, and he's pretty and soft and he's got these honey-brown hazel eyes and he gets the 'freeze frame of lead being gentle' treatment, but he's also deadpan, soulless, resigned, has Completely given up, NO fight in him, NONE, he's not gentle he's dead inside, he's made out entirely of sighs and not the dreamy kind, more like 'please leave me alone to wallow in the misery of existing' he's nice because not being nice sounds like a hassle lmao

lián is Stunning he gets the wuxia xianxia danmei pretty boi treatment, he even gets a FAN depending on verse HEHEHE~, that perfect smile, the warm sensible chuckle, the casual lingering brush of fingertips along someone's upper arm, but he's also Killed™ so~

if you put june, aaron, and lián in a room and told them whoever avoids revealing something profound about themselves the longest wins, aaron would win

june is a hopeless romantic, aaron thinks romcoms make zero sense, and lián consumes historical romance for the Intrigue and the Drama

june is painfully easy to crack even though he always makes a fuss, lián can be made to crack if you intrigue him enough but why would you do that to yourself don't get his attention, and aaron is Tough good luck my friends getting through THAT shield

like, if you put these three somewhere, june has by far the worst social skills, and he's quick to get defensive and he very pointedly pushes people away and then, turns out! easiest route

then there's lián who just finds things Silly and Interesting so if you can convince him you've got an interesting personality you're good to go

and then there's aaron who has officially dethroned eunjae from being the 'least likely muse to warm up to strangers'

june's got that bad boy look, the tousled hair, the attitude, the leather jackets, the tight black t-shirts lmao, big ol' doof honestly, whenever thanh tells him 'you're a good kid' he has an impostor syndrome crisis about it for five business days

aaron wears soft sweatshirts and turtlenecks, always dresses like the Money the shaw's have (his family, aaron shaw--), you look at him and you're worried flowers will bloom around him if you make eye contact, coldest bitch on earth (very warm actually, just... you gotta revive that part-)

lián designer brands ONLY, prefers light colours with lavender and light aquamarine accents, never pink, red, or orange and related colours, is he even real??! yes, he is, he killed his dad ♥

june isn't his actual name it's a nickname from his childhood he gave himself to have 'an american sounding name', aaron will very openly cringe if you call him 'mr shaw', and lián will flail you if you don't use his courtesy name (wuxia verse only, beyond wuxia he'll flail you if you try to skip out on at least trying to pronounce his name properly)

june has very soft hair that you should tousle, aaron's hair is... like caramel blonde and typically v dry, lián's hair is either wuxia immortal cultivator white or bleached white in modern verse

[strengthsapprentice]

Can i have a matchup for the arcana please

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: heterosexual ally

Zodiac: Capricorn

Appearance: 5’2 African American hourglass body type black curly wavy hair blackish brown eyes chubby cheeks wears glasses 50% of the time (i only wear them when i need to im still getting used to them)

Personality: kind smart funny motherly responsible empathetic anxious emotional moody perfectionist helpful people pleaser caring compassionate nerdy curious protective polite respectful indecisive fearful nervous introvert shy awkward clumsy low self esteem low confidence sassy sarcastic soft spoken (my friends think im cute so ig that counts)

Likes: animals books reading writing fantasy magic sci fi anime cartoons music video games friends alone time learning personality quizzes sweets and bread helping being a part of something bigger than myself

Dislikes: spiders loud sounds people who harm others people who don’t take others into consideration people i care about not taking care of themselves not being listened to weird holes and patterns math and tests

Extra: i pace a lot i sing when im alone i talk to myself im a picky eater i have a cat i have EDS (a hyper mobility disorder) but it’s not extreme i have internal existential crisis

Thank you

Thank you millions for being the first new ask! Now, I did debate between two potential matchups for you because both could honestly work! However, both I decided to set aside for the match I'm giving you. Asra and Julian are pretty easy to match with others given how open they are, but I think you'd actually be much better with the man I have in mind!

I pair you with...

Muriel!

He would never hurt a thing if he can help it. You can see that in every careful step he takes to avoid stepping on something accidentally.

I can imagine him being VERY gentle with your cat. Inanna might scare your kitty at first, but she's also a gentle beast at heart! You're all a big family.

I feel like while the others would push your limits and encourage you to try new things, Muriel is VERY understanding. If you don't like eating something, you will never have to eat it with him as your partner.

Have I explained how cautious and careful this man is? Because he keeps it safe, you don't usually have to worry about him getting severely hurt unless it's an emergency. But, you'll have time to care for him because sometimes he'll need it!

Offer to make sweets/bread with him and he's yours. This man definitely loves eating with you, but baking with you?? That's like TWICE as loveable.

Imagine his surprise when you both wander out in the forest and you're petting a deer. You radiate such positive energy that animals can't help but be so curious of you.

I can't imagine him really being physically affectionate unless you outright tell him you're a cuddly person. He won't be on you all of the time, but he'll cuddle up at night like a big ol tired bear and let you be little spoon.

He really understands your insecurities. He's not a fan of himself either. But it's not just your body he fell in love with, is it? He saw your heart. Saw every good thing about you and fell into a deep and true love. Your body he ended up craving just as much as your love. You'll never meet a man more caring or obsessed.

I really hope you liked this! I thought about it for a little bit but ultimately something in me paired you with Muriel <3

[zaagis-archive]

diaspora is survival : let the dystopian morning light pour in

this is an edited version of an autobiographical essay i submitted for my pan-african geography class where the prompt was

"Using the excerpt from Stokely Carmichael’s Ready for the Revolution as a model, write a short autobiographical essay describing your own experience of “diaspora as survival.” How, in other words, did you end up here in Vancouver and at UBC? While you should describe as much as possible the migrations of your own family, you should also try to include references to those important historical markers of labor, history, race, colonialism, migration, and gender that are referenced by Carmichael." the purpose of me publishing this essay on tumblr is so i can cite it for another class, michael if ur reading this i hope u enjoy it !! i omitted some details i wasn't comfortable posting on the internet (aka not doxxing myself). also if the capitalization seems funky, it's intentional !!

I am what time, circumstance, history, have made of me, certainly, but I am, also, much more than that. So are we all.

[Notes of a Native Son – James Baldwin]

I’ve always been a bit of historian, how could I not when my own history, my own stories, have been hidden from me. To be Indigenous in a country that treats my people as a history, as no longer present, means being a historian of my own culture is a form of resistance. It doesn’t fit with the settler colonial canadian logic for my people to have a history or culture. Everyday I resist this occupation by remembering, by recreating, and continuing anishinaabek ways of living. And if Audre Lorde says, “the personal is political”, then much of what I write (both for academic purposes but also creative projects) will involve the politics of being a disabled Afro-Indigenous queer/two-spirit person living in an occupied state. Simply put, I write as a Nakawe, a citizen of Tootinaowaziibeeng, in Musqueam territory. I write from the belly of the beast and it can hard to avoid the drops of acid on these pages. 

How do you know your history? I’m not saying “ask your mom to cite her sources” but how do you know if what you’ve been told about yourself, your family, community, etc is true? I don’t believe one’s truth and what is fact are the same, at least I haven’t lived a life like that. Thus I’ll start where life starts, with the one who brought me into this world. I was born in oskana kâ-asastêki to my two adoptive parents and my biological mother tracy-lynn. I was adopted at birth, many who aren't familiar with the foster care system (the modern way canada monitors Indigenous children’s whereabouts, since the final residential school closed in 1996) would think that being adopted at birth was a good thing, I don't know if it was. You're likely wondering where my biological dad is… well that makes two of us. During conversations with her social worker she admitted to not knowing the father and regularly having casual sex with men of different ethnic origins, naming white, Indigenous, Black, and Filipino. Thus my adoptive parents (Tracey and Arlon), assumed I was Filipino based on my looks. Although strangers did occasionally throw Black microaggressions towards me, older white women wanted to touch my black curls and I was a girl who wanted to be ‘polite’. 

For the first 18 years of my life, it was my truth that I was Filipino. The guilt of my lack of connection from my Filipino friends eventually brought me to study the language as a teenager. Wanting to know what region of the Philippines my father was from lead me to doing a DNA test around age 18. Discovering the truth, for a short period of time, resulted in a what felt like a cultural crisis. I finally felt comfortable in one of my ethnic backgrounds (comfortable enough to get a tattoo of the Philippines flag within a knife, image above) so realizing the rarity of situations like this and not being able to find help online terrified me. After learning basic Tagalog, growing up with Filipino friends, and even embarking on a double major of History and Asian Studies, I had found myself in a very strange circumstance. You can find thousands of articles giving advice on how to come out as gay or transgender (as I had done so at 11 and 12 myself), but nobody really comes out as African. Honestly, I was scared that people would think of me as a liar or fraud. Like the pretendian equivalent of being Black. If the truth came to light, people would think I was intentionally lying about my race. At the same time, I was scared that if I said I was Black, but provided no proof, I was just some annoying leftist trying to claim a marginalized identity. It felt like being called to fight in a war where I'd lose on either front. 

As strange as it sounds, I can’t imagine my life without my queerness. Growing up with two older siblings that came out as queer before me allowed 11 year old me to develop language to understand myself and others. If I weren’t queer, I don’t know if I would’ve been introduced to philosophies of identity and history. Gaining a sense of self, a sense of pride in who I am and the communities I’m a part of, was integral to me discovering feminism at a young age (roughly age 13), leading me to learn from Black and Indigenous feminists/communists, many of whom I cite today in teacher education. The most important life lesson being queer has given me is that I don’t need to “know” myself, know what exact labels and identities suit me at any given moment, I just need to live. For example, I don’t inject testosterone because I feel at my core I’m a man (I don’t) or because I feel a need to prove my masculinity in a biological way (I don’t), I do it because I like the way it makes my body look. In a very Gen Z way, I decided to fuck around and find out. Thus when I had my cultural identity crisis, I realized I could just identify as mixed Black/Ethiopian/African. In the same way there’s no “true trans” person, there’s was no way for me to “truly” be African. I just am. 

As mentioned, I learnt about social justice issues and movements relatively early which was integral to my own identity development. Through learning from revolutionaries like Kwame Ture who stated “​​We're Africans in America, struggling against American capitalism. We're not Americans” and “a fight for power is a fight for land. [...] Our land is Africa. America's not our land, it belongs to the American Indians and we have a right to stand and take a moral struggle with them.” I felt empowered to describe myself as Afro-Indigenous, to bring my two sides together as one whole. Diaspora is survival can mean a lot of things at different times & places but here, it meant a member of the diaspora empowered another diaspora to take up the family name of African, within my mixed background. The name survived its travels. This is my favourite term for a few important reasons. Firstly, I’m acknowledging the lands I’m from. Both the ties I have to Africa as a diaspora and Indigenous reflecting my Turtle Island upbringing. Secondly, I’m not identifying with a colonial state as terms like Indigenous Canadian or Black Canadian would suggest. Lastly, I’m not playing into the settler idea of blood quantum. A soul cannot be divided into percentages.

It feels wrong, embarrassing even, to say I envy the classmates of mine who have the privilege of being one call or text away from a family member that can answer simple questions. I only know what someone, I assume a social worker, felt was worthy of documenting. I didn’t learn that my maternal grandmother’s brother roger was forced into multiple residential schools from tracy-lynn or her mother rita, I learnt from a fucking hydro company. How colonial dystopian is that? Hydro Manitoba did a study of the land they intended to put pipelines through, consulting the nation which neighbours my own. My nation is Tootinaowaziibeeng First Nation, physically within Treaty 2 territory but a signatory of Treaty 4. I’ve lived most of my life on Treaty 4 land, i.e. the land stolen from the Métis (michif), Cree (néhiyaw), and Ojibway (anishinaabe). My adoptive dad Arlon is a descendant of the first British & French settlers in the region and he didn’t know which Indigenous peoples lived on the land that makes up our family farm-turned-acreage until I told him. To him, the land was always in the family and was empty before, owned by the canadian government that gave it to his family. As a socially anxious young adult he was set up on a dinner date with my adoptive mom, Tracey. She was also from a white farming family, her childhood home being just 2 km down the road from where mine still sits today. Growing up she embraced the cuisine of her German ancestry, that was all her mother taught her. If I remember correctly, she’s mostly German, but had Jewish family survive the Holocaust, becoming refugees to Canada after leaving the Netherlands. I’m unsure if they were Dutch Jewish, I never asked. Despite having 3 known sides of family, I’ve always been distanced from them in some way. When I was young my mom told me the reason we didn’t spend time with distant family was because they were “mean” to her. As a teenager I learnt “mean” actually meant racist, they were upset with her for adopting an “Indian” baby.

Like Toni Morrison, much of my own literary (and musical) background comes from autobiographies. Now that I think about it, I’m surrounded by autobiographical creations. I can prove this on the spot by looking down at my phone next to me, Spotify open, playing Boujee Natives by Snotty Nose Rez Kids, a hiphop duo from Haisla First Nation. That song is on my ndn rap playlist, below it is my hiphop for sexy ppl only playlist which contains only Black/African rappers. I hit shuffle on the playlist and Malcolm Garvey Huey by Dead Prez comes on, ironic as I get to read works by/about these exact historical figures for this geography class. If I look into my backpack next to me I’ll find Dancing On Our Turtle’s Back by Leanne Betasamosake Simpson (Michi Saagiig Nishnaabeg) and Creeland by Dallas Hunt (Swan River First Nation), both autobiographical works to an extent. That’s just my immediate surroundings here at a cafe near my house, I typically exist near a shelf of autobiographies at my two library jobs, as well as at home in East Van.

Where would I go? If I wrote an autobiography what section would they put me in? Would it still be autobiography if so much of my family knowledge comes from government documents like an adoption act or residential school records? Would my Indigeneity render it a historical work? If I have to rely on historical evidence to make a guess, does that make my life a fiction? Assuming an Indigenous category exists, who makes the decision on whether I’m too Black to belong? Perhaps I’ll write a biomythography like Audre Lorde. The sisters have it figured out this time, I know where’d I go. 

If past you were to meet future me, Would you be holding me here and now?

[Historians – Lucy Dacus]

References :

Afromarxist, “What's in a Name? ft. Kwame Ture (1989)” YouTube, video publication date 27 October 2019, https://youtu.be/OGcl359SMxE?si=T_bs5PKLBZuUYwZ0

Baldwin, James. Notes of a Native Son. Boston: Beacon Press, 1955. 

Chakasim, Neegahnii Madeline. “Pretendians and their Impacts on Indigenous Communities.” The Indigenous Foundation, May 10 2022. https://www.theindigenousfoundation.org/articles/pretendians-and-their-impacts-on-indigenous-communities 

HTFC Planning & Design & Manitoba Hydro. “See what the land gave us” Waywayseecappo First Nation Traditional Knowledge Study For the Birtle Transmission Line. December 2017. https://www.hydro.mb.ca/docs/projects/birtle/appendix_c_waywayseecappo_tk_study_final_report.pdf 

Lucy Dacus. Historians. Jacob Blizard and Collin Pastore. March 2, 2018. Matador Records, digital streaming.

Books / music mentioned

dead prez. Malcolm Garvey Huey. June 22 2010. Boss Up Inc., digital streaming. 

Hunt, Dallas. Creeland. Gibsons: Nightwood Editions, 2021.

*Maynard, Robyn. Policing Black Lives: State Violence in Canada from Slavery to the Present. Winnipeg: Fernwood Publishing, 2017. 

Lorde, Audre. Zami: A New Spelling of My Name. New York: Crossing Press, 1982.

Phoebe Bridgers. ICU. Phoebe Bridgers, Marshall Vore, & Nicholas White. June 18, 2020. Dead Oceans, digital streaming.

Snotty Nose Rez Kids. Boujee Natives. May 10 2019. Independent, digital streaming. 

Simpson, Leanne Betasamosake. Dancing on Our Turtle’s Back: Stories of Nishnaabeg Re-Creation, Resurgence, and a New Emergence. Winnipeg: Arbeiter Ring Publishing, 2011. 

*Simpson, Leanne Betasamosake. As We Have Always Done. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press, 2017. 

sources with * were in the original essay but omitted from this version

[strigeist]

~ Requested by @alt-froggy13. Hope you enjoy! I'm doing the other one separate from this because it makes more sense that way. I realize that this ended up being less about coming out and more general but I felt like that way there are more things to say, I hope you don't mind ^^". And do let me know if I messed anything up, I'm not genderfluid so I don't have personal experience. ~

Coming out as genderfluid to Camilo headcanons

⚠️ There are mentions of transphobia (NOT FROM CAMILO OFC) at the end as well as gender dysphoria. I'll mark the points related to the transphobia with *** and the ones related to dysphoria with !!! so you know to avoid it if you don't want to read that. It's at the very end and separated from the rest with [] so you can just stop before that, there's nothing after it. ⚠️

Camilo loves you very much, so he's, naturally, very supportive and understanding. But also completely chill about it.

(This is more of a personal Camilo hc but I see him as either bi or pan so he doesn't care about your gender).

If you end up crying while doing it he'll comfort you in any way you prefer.

If you like hugs, he'll hug you close and nice, give you a little kiss on the forehead.

"Amor, it's okay! I love you, alright? Thanks for telling me." He says that with that sweet Camilo smile, I'm picturing it and I hope you are too.

I think with him being a shape shifter he's had at least one gender identity crisis, so he probably knows what genderfluid is from the research he did back then.

So you don't need to explain anything! But if you still want to just to be sure he'll listen, of course.

From then on the second thing he does when he sees you for the first time in the day is ask what your pronouns are.

(The first thing that he does is give you a hug and kiss on the cheek, of course).

Or you can have an agreement that you'll just tell him what you wish to be referred as whenever you feel like it and he doesn't need to ask.

Or both. Whatever you prefer.

If you ever want to dress more masculine he'll definitely let you borrow his clothes.

Honestly I think he'd love it if you wear his clothes and will compliment you on your fashion sense.

If you want to go shopping for clothes to make you feel more comfortable at all times then he'll gladly accompany you and help you choose.

If anyone misgenders you on accident he'll correct them. In a very casual way, but will.

Unless you prefer to do it yourself (or prefer not to do it at all, because I know some people are uncomfortable doing that, and he'll respect that even if he feels bad whenever it happens).

Basically, Camilo is chill about it and will do whatever makes you feel most comfortable.

[]

[]

[]

*** If anyone is an ass to you on purpose though... He's throwing hands alright.

*** Verbally, of course. Unless the person really, really wants to actually throw hands, but I wouldn't do that to a shape shifter.

*** If you don't want him to do that then please tell him and he won't, he understands this isn't about him and will only do what you're comfortable with.

!!! If you're ever feeling dysphoric he'll do anything in his power to help you through it, be it with words, touch, food, whatever. He's got you (but if you want food cooked by him... Well, he'll try, but he can't promise it'll taste any good).

!!! Did you see how he calms his mamá down? He's clearly the best at this.

!!! He'll even leave you alone if that's what you want, because some people prefer that.

!!! (But will check in on you quite a bit and be very worried, even if he doesn't show it much as to not make you feel worse. He just doesn't like it when you feel bad).

[onewomancitadel]

I am really REALLY sorry for bothering you with this topic again. You do NOT have to reply to this. But I would recommend searching up "why men are avoiding women" as its related to what I was talking about. Apparently nearly 50% of men are going out of their way to avoid interactions with women. I am NOT blaming anyone for this. Just pointing out that it is a thing. Again sorry. Don't acknowledge this if I have offended you or wasted your time.

Me, as politely as possible: I have context. Please don't message me about this topic again.

You: *messages me about this topic again assuming I don't have context*

I am acknowledging this because you are annoying me in a new and exciting way it seems like you can't conceive of. It doesn't matter how much you couch it in apologies, if you outright ignore what an actual real person is saying to you and prioritise whatever ideology you're trying to peddle to me, then I don't think your ideology counts for much. You need to know how to actually convey your ideas properly, which includes respecting your interlocutor, and not simply telling them to search up some random (probably not peer-reviewed) online article. Sociology and psychology studies are notoriously unreplicable, even in the time of replication crisis. But that would be asking for a dubious online article to have some pomp and circumstance of 'science' in the first place.

So, my advice for you would be not just to think about what your beliefs are and to think that you can just transmute those to me in my (clearly inferior) mind: what should that dialogue look like? What does it mean to talk about these issues in a respectful way? What's our common ground? We should both be open to dialogue as well in the first place. That is a critical error you've made.

You are also making a critical leap in the first place from real world issues and how those express themselves in fictional interpretation, which in itself something I would want justified. It is known that in interpretation, real world issues don't necessarily have a 1:1 confluence (sometimes people have blindspots; sometimes fictional ideas oscillate with us differently to the 'real'; the very spectacle of unreality means we're dealing with something a little different, etc.). Certainly, there is some, but the leaps you're making of 'men avoiding women' and 'whiteknighting' as leading into the interpretation of 'obviously Cinder is a bitch and Jaune shouldn't help her' is... rather dubious. To me, the more simplistic answer is that these people maybe just don't like Cinder or don't like Jaune, which is maybe motivated by gender (Cinder is less excusable than Adam or Ironwood etc.), but could equally be motivated by ship competition. Jaune's other ships are more popular. Which is the devout irony, isn't it? I tend to a more holistic analysis.

Tearing down Knightfall with some weaksauce gender argument is what I would expect from people who don't know how to argue through actual narrative reasoning.

At any rate, I think that if you want to make your case effectively, you need to be more thoughtful and considerate of the person you are actually interacting with. I do understand that you don't want to offend me and you have a certain tone of apology in your ask.

Just view my response here as something to help you out. I have few hard feelings on my part now I've written this out. Mostly amusement, honestly.

[jimkirkachu]

you’ve been afk for a while, are you alright? what happened? 🥺🥺 (੭ ･᷄﹏･᷅)੭ु⁾ any Kitty updates?

Hi hon, thank you for your note and your lovely emoji guy!! Those sparkles...... they're so magical......! 👀✨

(Sob story follows)

(Disclaimer: I promise I'm not deliberately trying to gain sympathy or pity!!!)

So........ it's been a rough few months. I've had an aunt and a cousin pass away; my longtime mentor retired but I had to, well... avoid the huge celebration that was thrown in his honor because The Abuser was there (thankfully I knew ahead of time so I wasn't blindsided, but it still sucked not to be there); and I've sort of been having a whole identity crisis, trying to figure out if I'm non-binary, gender non-conforming, gender confused for sure, then trying to communicate that to my family, and everyone I've told has been very supportive (for which I'm extremely grateful!) but it's just stressful trying to get up the nerve to talk about such personal things when you have no idea how it's going to be received. Especially when you're accustomed to never talking out loud about Anything personal because you've been conditioned to understand that your feelings are Too Much to dump on any one person and every time you've slipped up in the past and even obliquely talked about your feelings, you've gotten in trouble for it. (Let's just put it this way: I'm in a text message group chat which is active every day, and I got to a point where it was making my mental health so bad that I muted all the notifications--and I now have 709 unread messages as of this writing.)

On top of all that, there's the unfortunate kitty news. My cat (the big black one, Ensign Kittycat) is doing just fine (and my dearest anon, you have reminded/inspired me to come up with a new kitty/Trekky post sometime soon 🤔🥰). My mom's cat, however, is rather old and has been in declining health for the last couple of years. It's been at least a year since she lost whatever was left of her hearing (she's always had bad ears), but about 3 months ago she also lost most of her sight, and it was actually an overnight change, which was really freaky and scary. One day she was deaf but otherwise pretty much fine, the next morning she walked directly into the light from my bedside lamp and stared up at me with her eyes Fully dilated, and ever since that night/morning she's gotten around by memory, possibly by sensing light/darkness, but mostly just by feeling her way with her whiskers, which means she gently bumps into everything (walls, furniture, people, other cat, etc.) and it's just... really sad. Our vet confirmed that she is definitely in kidney failure, so we've started her on a whole plethora of medications, and I know it sounds like a weak excuse for being emotionally exhausted but it's really taken a toll. She wails about a dozen times a day/night (loud enough to be heard across the house and/or to wake us up) any time she goes to lie down somewhere and feels... pain? loneliness? who knows? I know she's "just" a pet, and she's technically not even my pet. But she's been part of our family for 17 years and being essentially incapable of helping her, having to watch her health/comfort/quality of life slowly decline is devastating. 😔

Otherwise, it's been the same old song and dance with the multiple mental illnesses, the unemployment, the constant comparisons between self and more-successful friends/peers/family members, the fantastically inconvenient sleep phase problems, and the overall feelings of worthlessness/hopelessness. 😕 It's all been something of a hindrance to my writing and creativity in general, which is a frustration in its own right, but... I think I've whined enough for one post (yikes).

I'm so sorry anon, I wish I had better things to report. 😔😣 But I really appreciate you checking in 💜💜💜 Thank you for caring; I hope things are going more smoothly for you than they are for me!

[anhed-nia]

THE EMOJI MOVIE

I've actually tried to watch this several times, and never made it past the first twenty minutes or so. The whole concept--that emojis inside a boy's phone struggle for survival when their glitchy antics provoke him to try to wipe the device--is so uninspired that it was hard for me to imagine it even being kitschy enough to justify watching the whole thing. However, since its release (only a year ago, but isn't it starting to feel like it's been with us forever?), THE EMOJI MOVIE has become so notorious that suffering through it feels like some sort of rite of passage. As of this morning, I can say with absolute certainty that this experience is actually much worse than you probably think it is.

I don't even want to get that much into the "plot", but for the sake of whatever: TJ Miller is a "meh" emoji by birth, who is secretly plagued by a full spectrum of emotions. When he is classified as a "malfunction", in a series of repetitive arguments that sound uncomfortably like they're just barely skirting "the R word", Meh goes on the run to avoid destruction by his fellow emoji, who need to manage this crisis before their user erases all of them.

If that is like...not very heroic-sounding to you, then you're hearing me right. THE EMOJI MOVIE is I guess about being yourself or something, but the details of Meh's adventure are so outlandishly stupid that it's hard to even worry about the moral of the story. To my apoplectic shock, our hero's escape from peril is totally dependent on Dropbox. That's almost all you need to know about this movie, actually: That it requires you to somehow reimagine a collaborative file management product as the Millennium Falcon, or Dorothy's ruby slippers, or something. Even if I were able to accept this proposal, it still remains beyond me why a tween boy would have Dropbox on his phone. I mean, is he going to Project Management Junior High or something?

Of course, this is only one example of THE EMOJI MOVIE's inability to produce exciting, easy-to-understand ideas. It may not be surprising, on paper, that an unwieldy chunk of the story involves a loud advertisement for the money-grubbing mobile game Candy Crush. However, it's still jarring when the movie has the sheer nerve to insert its characters into a 3D version of the very-2D Candy Crush board, have them discuss the rules and mechanics of Candy Crush at length, and then have them actually play Candy Crush, in a scene that really accomplishes nothing other than exactly what is on the screen while it lasts. The audacity of the thing makes the McDonald's breakdancing sequence in MAC & ME look downright subtle.

The aforementioned scene should really be enough to sink basically any cinematic ship, but THE EMOJI MOVIE doesn't settle for less than 100% failure. Almost everything in it is so poorly considered that there isn't enough time in my life to get through it all, but I have to get *some* things off my chest. I mean, how the fuck do you take a concept like this, and decide that a whole bunch of your movie should involve DANCING? How can you possibly ask me to look at a bunch of Pac-Mans with little rudimentary limbs, and expect me to be able to tell that SOME of them are really good dancers and SOME of them are really shitty dancers, and ALL OF THE SUSPENSE hinges on this distinction? And while we're talking about physical activity, what are even the rules of this world? Apps are both giant monolithic cubes, like they are on your home screen, that can slide around and crush you between their unyielding walls, and they are ALSO little subdimensions that you can enter (not that we really see how this works) and dick around in. "Internet trolls" are somehow not separate human users, but technological entities that exists inside the world of the phone, right alongside junk mail and computer viruses. And speaking of junk, like, why is the phone owner deleting individual apps WHILE he's on his way to a Genius Bar to get the whole device reset? What the fuck is going on in any part of this movie?

While I'm talking about how ~completely~ disastrous this movie is, though, I should admit that maybe I blew past the plot too quickly. The most remarkable thing about THE EMOJI MOVIE is that it manages to be so fathomlessly moronic, AND so majestically pretentious at the same time. There is something interestingly perverse about the idea of taking humanity's most vapid, dehumanized linguistic development, and using it as some kind of allegory for the supremacy of emotion, and the prismatic nature of the soul. It's disturbing, actually. On the one hand, the movie cannot resist advertising for office products and parasitic IAP-driven games, and all of its ostensible charm is predicated on the viewer's preexisting familiarity with fun icons for human shit and compressed fish byproducts. On the other hand, the movie makes a big deal out of identifying the fascism inherent in controlling how people express themselves, and confining their potential to the dictates of their heritage. At some point the movie even drags in some shallow commentary on the tyranny of gender roles, with a subplot about a "princess" emoji rejecting the few, oppressively girly options for females of the species--just in case there were any audience members left who didn't feel personally condescended to yet.

At this point, you might be wondering why I even bothered to write all this down, having already suffered the unnecessary indignity of watching the thing. The truth is that I have an insatiable curiosity about the psychology of productions like this. When I see something so abjectly catastrophic, I start to have enthralling nightmare visions about what it must have been like to make this movie. Especially considering the fact that it is animated: At what point did people begin to realize that something really bad was happening? Who noticed it first? Was there a protracted period of convincing oneself that everything was going to be fine, or did the darkness sink in at the very beginning? What happened when the movie came out? Have all of the actors even see the whole thing? How did they manage their social lives when it started to become common, international knowledge that they had participated in the creation of one of the worst movies in the visible history of the medium? Does one lose relationships over a movie like this, either among friends who don't know how to address it, or comrades who can't stand the slightest reminder of what they've been through? I am completely entranced by my own fantasies about what happens with movies like this. I would happily watch a documentary about the making of THE EMOJI MOVIE, or better yet, some sort of distorted psychodrama about the emotional environment of the production. Somebody get Peter Strickland on the blower.

PS Mike White, I am so, so sorry. What happened to you?