#and also being probably autistic and extremely anxious all the time so i can't make friends online

[perfectblve]

this is like the most pain i've been in in a while and i can barely walk properly or stand up straight bc i just get pain shooting everywhere i'm so tired

[helvetets-gytter]

Heavy Trip headcanon’s!!

Felt like sharing these cuz why not lol

Most are just stuff I feel like fits in how i see things and how I see them, some are more personal taste and others are just random too, so if u disagree with any that’s totally fine!

I love these guysss

Turo❤️

First of all.. Bi Icon

Therapist friend.. he always wants to leant a listening ear and comfort people around him, yet won’t let others do this with him..

Passiv Suicidal, would never admit to it

Actually had a sorta disliking to his job in the psychiatric institution, but he liked taking care of the people there so he stuck with it

Looking past the music his band makes he also sings as a way to express himself

He’s an ambivert, leaning more to introverted

Often can be really anxious. His anxiety can lead to him vomiting from being overwhelmed, this can also happen randomly..

Turo loves hugs but refuses to ask for them.. generally loves physical touch

Strong habit of playing with his hair or chewing on his nails

He’s close to all of his friends, though he’s really close with Pasi the most

Turo once got corpse paint done by Xytrax

Jynkky💙

HE’S SUCH A SWEETHEART

Always tries to be supportive and optimistic, putting others before himself..

Had a bad nu metal phase before switching to heavy metal-

Probably was the extrovert who adopted all of them and made the friend group they are now

Jynkky is a horrible liar.. poor guy lol

Extremely clumsy.. I can imagine he once accidentally knocked over his whole drum set-

Tries looking at the bright side in every situation

Is very fond of physical touch, loooves hugs!

LOVES the reindeer soup Lotvonen’s mum makes

Him and Lotvonen are closest to each other and share familiarity, as a kid Jynkky often was treated like a second child to his parents

Lotvonen🩵

He might be annoying but he’s just being himself

most likely to have ADHD out of the group

Secretly loves 80s glam metal

Lotvonen IS the gay cousin..

Pretty sure my guy has some anger issues-

Loves taking care of the reindeers at the slaughter house despite knowing their end-

Dislikes the reindeer soup his mum makes but still eats it for her.. griefs the reindeer ngl

General love for animals, was probably the type to beg his parents for a pet as a child or brought random outside animals in the house

He’s very willing to eat inedible things, just give him 20 cents lol

Dude definitely has brainrot and annoys Jynkky with it on daily basis

He’s also definitely obsessed with FNAF and knows the lore by heart

Pasi/Xytrax🖤

Hyperfixation on black metal and other different subcultures / genres in general..

Can sing really good but has stage fright and generally doesn’t like singing in front of others.. that’s why he’s the bass player, no one gives a damn about them lol /j

Deep interest in Satanism and Paganism.. most likely reads about Odism too

Definitely likes to bone hunt in the forest

Likes painting his nails black

Close to Turo, appreciates how he can express himself without being judged

Listening to music on his discman/walkman while working, usually no one cares

He doesn’t talk a lot.. but if he does he speaks his mind to the fullest

Professional daydreamer (real af)

He rather suppresses his feelings and acts nonchalant all the time because he just can't express his emotions „correctly“..

Way too much sense of awkwardness

has a constant monotonous voice, even if he doesn’t mean it

Probably autistic

He’s the last one to enter a relationship, either because he simply doesn’t understand the concept, is oblivious to hints or because he knows he can’t express his affection

If he’ll get a partner the gender wouldn’t matter at all, if he loves someone it’s unimportant to him. Although he doesn’t label himself people assume he’s pansexual.

[drdemonprince]

Probably a trivial question during a shitty time globally, but I'm going a bit crazy trying to figure this out and need help.

For some reason, people cancel last-minute alarmingly frequently when I host gatherings on days that are extremely important to me. I am talking mainly about my birthday and that of my partner but also a huge milestone graduation do last year was a nightmare as well. Neither I nor my partner have any meaningful relationships with our families anymore due to political differences and rely on our friends for the sense of home and belonging most people get from families.

Except this is a bit of a wasteland, as I struggle to form and maintain close friendships because of how unreliable and disappointing people have been for a while. This is not an individual (although there are a couple of people who I know will cancel every time) but a pattern. Someone will forget to book the right train ticket, another will only lurk on the event group chat and then comment for the first time before the event to say no. One person memorably just said they wanted to keep the option of a weekend gateway open so they could only come to my graduation party if they decided not to do that. Am I missing something here? Is this normal? I need consistency and dependability to feel safe and I feel like people I'd normally choose as friends (witty, nerdy interests, progressive) turn out to be incredibly bad at showing up for me when I need them. A friend I thought was close went completely mum after I graduated and didn't congratulate me at all - after having discussed the degree and its struggles with me for 2 years. Part of me feels like I need to rebuild my circle from scratch and maybe find people I can talk to honestly about my needs from the beginning of the friendship. But it feels so late and desolate to start this process in my mid-thirties. Everyone else has friends they grew up with and who know everything about their lives. Meanwhile, I am at the stage where I have no close friends at all anymore because my needs seem too absurd to even discuss with anyone except my partner, and if I do, I just lose friendships. I remember reading your piece on how to do social things as an autistic person last year and feeling very inspired so I thought I'd reach out to you.

This is all exceedingly, exceedingly normal, especially in the days post COVID for a variety of reasons. When I make plans with people, I assume that roughly 30-75% of the people invited are not going to show up, and I've completely made my peace with that. A friend of mine hosted a movie night a few weeks back, invited I believe around 15 people, and ultimately four showed up, many people being last-minute cancellations or total no shows.

This happens for a variety of reasons. Many people are very socially anxious and decide at the last minute they don't have it in them to show up because they're freaking out. Other people say yes when the event is days or weeks down the line, wanting in the abstract to be there, but then on the actual day of the event, practical daily life constraints are far more visible than they were when the event was just an idea, and so then they have to bail. Other people feel really bad saying no, and so they wait for the last minute to share that they can't make it. And lots of people are so bombarded with notifications on a variety of social media sites and chatting platforms that they just forget all that they've committed to. And then you add into that random illness, flat tires, crying kids, and the like, and you have a lot of reasons why people don't show up to things.

Personally, I have come to accept this. If I go into event planning assuming most people can't make it, my feelings aren't hurt. Every person who does show up is a gift. My invites are an opportunity, a true invitation, not an obligation or an expectation. I don't hurt my feelings in advance by telling myself that I need a high turnout for my birthday or that because I've worked hard making a certain dish for a party (I never actually do that admittedly lol) that a lot of people need to come and eat it.

And I invite people that I like and want to see, over and over again, because I care about them, and I want to show them that I care about them and that I understand they have other things going on and I am not offended that life got in the way for them. I want them to feel loved and included, even if they can't make it. Even the gesture of inviting a person to an event and them showing some interest is a meaningful act of maintaining social connections, for me. And so if they can't make it on the day of, that's fine by me.

I'm 35. My friends are anywhere from 21 to 60-something. People cancel events because of sick kids, broken down cars, long work weeks, depression, double-bookings, writing deadlines, social anxiety, busted ankles, not wanting to see one person they're currently having a difficult situation with, and any number of other factors. If you love people long enough, they get really complicated and their lives get really hard. I find that the most beautiful and friendship-sustaining thing one can do is to not take it personally, because you're going to need that same grace yourself plenty of times. People will drop of the map for months or years sometimes because they're going through hell, and you dont to deprive yourself of being open to reconnection when they're available again.

There's really no need to read anything into the randomness of life. This stuff will happen, so it's rational to expect it, and loving to not mind it too much.

Do you need to make some new friends? Maybe so! I have multiple different friend groups and I think that's healthy. You may find the no-shows less painful if you have more people to lean on. It's always good to form new connections, learn new things about yourself, expand your skills and understanding of the world through new information and experiences. But should you start over, and ditch your friends who are flakey? I don't think so. To be loved is to be sometimes flaked upon (and to flake). In this capitalistic, individualistic hellscape it's vitally important that we extend one another grace.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw talk of nail biting? and stimming ig? i dunno wtf to tag this with, sorry.

okay, this is gonna sound really stupid. like. ik this is me overreacting but i feel like i just need to talk about it. advice would be great but if you just want this to be a vent, that's fine. im Xra.

i bite my nails ok? i bite my nails, i like, gnaw on my hands, pick at my skin, shit like that, I always have. the gnawing thing is a stim, like, i'm autistic and sometimes i just have half my hand in my mouth trying to comfort myself or contain my feelings. which sounds gross, i know it does, trust me, i've been told, you don't have to tell me. i've tried to stop. i briefly stopped biting my nails. long nails are sensory HELL and something bad happened and i just fell right back into it and i never stopped any of the other stuff.

but i have a sister, who i avoid, bc she's mean to me most of the time. i don't mean like, 'ooh my sister is just annoying :/ i hate not being an only child', i mean she's always telling me shit like she used to hate me, and stuff i need to work on so that i'm not so "abrasive" or "weird" or telling me stories about every time i messed up when i was little and how stupid i looked, which is realy fun because some of those incidents i didn't even realize i was looking stupid! she makes me feel bad. ANYWAY. she also likes to point out and kind of pick on me for my nail biting shit.

but she pointed it out when my mom was in the room. and most people don't say anything about it bc they know im very self conscious about it. but my sister was going on and on about how i needed to get a handle on it and how it looked nasty and then she turned to my mom and she was like right? and my mom, who usually says nothing at all about it! and has never been mean about it like this! went off on a tangent about how my dad bites his nails, his mom bites her nails, and how its a "generalational curse" from his side and how i'll probably do it all my life and chip my teeth and wear down my nails and have all sorts of complications that i'll have to deal with because she can't handle trying to convince me to stop. it was just. i was straight up crying. it was awful.

i guess it was meant to be a wake up call for me. and i guess i get it. its disgusting. and i'm fucked up or whatever. but i can't stop. especially bc of the whole autism and stimming shit. i know it's stupid to get upset because. she's right, i SHOULD stop, it is bad, ect ect, but i can't stop feeling really hurt about it because like-she never even apologized and she just pretends it didn't happened but now i feel even worse about it all and even more anxious, which makes me do it more. :/

Hi Xra,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that you're not alone.

While biting nails may be a destructive behavior depending on how serious it is, the way your family has approached it seems to be exacerbating it. It sounds like your family shames you for doing this, which may be making you do it more, or feel more secretive or shameful about it. But feeling shameful about it or wanting to hide it is not really going to address the situation or make you feel comfortable enough to work towards a healthier substitute.

It sounds like your sister is constantly criticizing you, and not in a constructive way. It doesn't sound like she necessarily wants you to improve or do what she can to foster a supportive environment in which you feel encouraged to work on improving, rather it sounds like she makes snide comments like that she used to hate you and just overall making you feel insecure. Though your sister may be frustrated with your nail biting, there are far more considerate and helpful ways to address it.

While I don't know the exact extent of your nail biting habits, it's worth considering that biting one's nails is actually extremely common, and though some people may see it as gross, it's mainly just seen as a sign of stress. It's essential to have healthier coping mechanisms in place that provide comfort and help you manage stress and anxiety. Exploring alternative stims or finding calming activities can be helpful in redirecting the need for stimming through nail biting.

It's important to remember that changing a long-standing habit takes time and patience. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects, try to approach this with self-compassion and understanding. Know that you deserve support and encouragement in finding healthier ways to manage your stress and emotions.

If you feel comfortable, you may want to discuss your concerns with a therapist who specializes in autism or anxiety. They can provide guidance and strategies specific to your needs. Additionally, seeking out online communities or support groups for individuals with similar experiences might be beneficial. Connecting with others who understand what you're going through can provide a sense of validation and support.

Please know that you are not defined by your nail-biting habit, and it doesn't diminish your worth as a person. Focus on self-care, finding healthy coping mechanisms, and surrounding yourself with understanding and supportive individuals.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mariska]

hi i would like to share a recent personal experience (with a surprisingly positive resolution) about challenging hate speech in online video games that have chat features as an extremely socially anxious autistic person + also some thoughts i've held for a very long time regarding the need for folks who are privileged enough to not be targets of constant harassment in video game social environments to use that privilege by speaking up when witnessing hate speech for those of us who can't safely do so

(this ended up being a super long post i'm sorry, i tried to split it into separated paragraphs to make it a bit more accessible to read but i needed to get this whole train of thought written outside of my brain before i unintentionally move on to some other point of focus and forget all of this)

i dont usually like posting about bad online video game interactions since thats a Bummer, but. i wanted to make a post to share a brief interaction i was a part of in the text chat of an online team game last night that actually had a positive resolution even just for the sake of being able to say that i've witnessed a bad video game interaction involving me as a target end up with a positive resolution. i'm gonna put the rest of this whole thing under a 'read more' so that it hopefully doesn't clog anyone's dash up with long-scrolling text wall:

i was playing 'versus' mode in Left 4 Dead 2 on my computer last night, which for anyone not familiar with that gamemode, is where one team of 4 people play as the human survivors and the other team of 4 people play as the game's 'Special Infected' zombies (Boomer, Hunter, Tank, etc. on a randomized respawn rotation). its very fun and chaotic but because of the chaotic rapid respawn nature of the zombie side and the fact that you don't usually play as the special infected zombies in the regular 'campaign', its not uncommon to be put in matches with ppl who have no patience for anyone who isnt super experienced or skilled or whatever as every special infected on the zombie team and people start arguments in the chat pretty often. im not a fan of ppl acting out like that but usually its just Annoying and i ignore it and carry on,

last night though, someone on the opposite team of mine (mine was currently the zombies; the game goes back and forth to let each team do their best at surviving the same levels on both sides; one team gets as far as they can as humans and then the other tries to match that score or do better if they can and so on) was getting increasingly frustrated that whenever their team was playing as the survivors they weren't quite making it as far towards the map end goals as my team was, because my team was doing slightly better at teaming up as the special infected zombies to get bigger scores and hold them away from their goal.

eventually he got so visibly upset in the text chat that he went "ok. r*tarded but ok', and then followed up quickly with something along the lines of "yall know you're a bunch of fkin r*tards right" (i censored it here, he did not originally) and that immediately crossed a boundary line for me because i'm autistic, and once was already too much, but twice in a row made me very uncomfortable. i didn't know or care if he was saying it to us (his enemy team), or his own team for having a slightly lower score as the survivors, but nobody else in the game had shown any text or voice chat signs of being unsafe people or angry people, so i felt safe enough to go in the text chat (i usually do not do this because i usually do not feel safe enough to do so in groups of strangers online)

i said something like "learn a new word to use, maybe?", just to kind of be like, 'hey, nobody else in this game is talking the way you are, don't be That Guy' you know? he said "why? its not like its a big deal", which was kinda sad to read 'cause it gave me the impression that this person probably spends a good amount of time (willingly or unwillingly) around people who commonly use slurs because its 'not a big deal'; again, nobody else in the match was getting involved verbally or textually, and we all continued to play the game while this happened, so i decided that i was going to stick up for myself since i don't often feel like i have the opportunity to do that in the text chat of games without feeling humiliated or thrown under the bus by my teammates or whatever.

while i was typing the guy added "i wasnt even saying it to you anyways" (does not matter to me, obviously). i finished the response i had been typing to his message about 'its not a big deal' and said "it is a big deal, actually!". by this point, his character had been eliminated entirely and his team had one or two human survivors running to their end goal map exit for the round, so he had more free time to type and he replied to me and said "whatever, you do you i guess". i said "well. i'm autistic, so." and meant to say 'i guess i will' in response to 'you do you', but the round ended after i sent that reply and the loading screen popped up for the survivor/zombie team switch

when it did, he wrote "fair 'nuff." in the chat like a minute or so into the very start of the round when both teams were getting set up and everything, and i was honestly fine with that as a general resolution to the whole thing, because the minute or so of time in between my last message and the non-aggressive bluntness of it made me feel like he probably felt at least a little guilty realizing that he was casually tossing around a slur that is very commonly used against autistic people to An Actual Autistic Person in the same game as him, and that worked for me.

the game went on as it regularly had been for like five or so more minutes, and then he suddenly sent another final and honestly unexpected message in the group chat that said, in no response to any other messages that had been typed by anyone since his last one, "alright i'm sorry i used that word in chat mariska" (my name/username). which was actually wild for me to see because i am very much not used to getting actual apologies from strangers who say bad stuff in game chats, and i genuinely appreciated that he either hadn't stopped thinking about it and felt bad about acting out, or maybe some of his own teammates had prompted him to apologize in their respective team chat or something; either way, i gave a genuine "thank you." in the chat to let him know the gesture was appreciated, and for the rest of the maybe 30 or so mins that the whole match lasted, there was no more aggressiveness or slurs or toxicity at all in the chat from either team's side. when the game ended all together, he was one of the first people to type "gg" (good game) in the chat, as did myself and almost all of the other folks in the match, and after that i stopped playing for the night.

sorry for the big long text post, but i wanted to share this somewhere other than just that isolated game match chat between 8 people, because i very often see a lot of people (on pretty much any social media but mostly on here tbh) make posts regarding this exact kind of video game or general online text chat community experience where the person writing the post encourages others who also commonly witness it, or are the target of slurs, harassment, threats etc, to speak up (if it is safe to do so, imo 'speaking up' or 'calling out' people you dont know especially in aggressive game communities should be the responsibility of allies/friends/non-targeted folks more often than those of us who are being harassed or threatened or talked down to ourselves since it is inherently more dangerous for us to defend ourselves unfortunately and it can take a very serious turn against us very fast, think 'swatting' or doxxing, as a few examples off the top of my head) against the language/slurs/bigotry/harassment that aggressive, angry, frustrated strangers commonly spew in text and/or voice game chats, and as someone who plays a lot of team based online games regularly and has played online games in general since the mid-2000's, i couldn't agree more with the people i've seen writing posts or game journalism articles encouraging people to refuse to allow that kind of behavior to be validated by others in an online match, or to only ignore it when there is a safe opportunity to make it known that at least one person refuses to tolerate whatever behavior the aggressor is displaying.

anyways, to make an accidentally way too long story short; more often than not, in online video game chat circles, it's unfortunately just not going to be super productive to call out casual hate speech & harassment because there are typically (in my personal experiences at least) more people in a group of strangers that either enjoy seeing targets of harassment get upset and will join in with the original aggressor to humiliate whoever speaks against it, or who behave the same way as the aggressor and validate their own patterns of hate speech as being acceptable and common by defending their behavior/siding with them in larger numbers.

but! in situations where you're watching that happen, to yourself or others, and everyone else is either silent or doesn't seem to agree/enjoy watching someone have a bigoted hissy fit in a video game chat, it absolutely can be worth it to be the person who makes it clear to that person that they are the problem. unless you personally know every individual person who is playing in the same match group as you, there is no 100% way to know exactly who all the other players are outside of their characters or personas they're represented by in-game. people who tend to be commonly perceived as pretty emotionally mature in general, in any part of online or offline life, can and do absolutely come across as temporary social role models/behavioral leaders to the other real human beings around them in the moment, regardless of whether that's intentional on their end or not.

i'm not quite sure if the term 'peer pressure' is exactly what i'm looking for as terminology right now since that term is typically applied in negative behavior patterns, but that concept is very real in any gathering of multiple people - it can (and again, in SAFE settings, should) be utilized in a positive, constructive way to prompt someone to think before they speak/type, and to make a point to everyone present in the moment that we are all allowed to openly bring attention to harassment and hate speech. that point is an especially important realization for people who may hold generally higher positions of privilege than those of us who speak against it, since they are the ones that really need to be doing this kind of thing more often and in larger majorities than those of us who are put in danger when we bring attention to hateful behavior simply by existing as oppressed people of any kind.

i guess the whole main train of thought i'm attempting to explain with all of this is, like. before that one person started typing out a slur two times in a row that has been used against me so many times in my life that my brain went into auto-pilot and refused to let him feel comfortable saying it again, nobody was typing anything like 'gg' or 'gr' (good round, when a game isn't totally finished yet) at all, which was fine that's not like a requirement, but when that next round ended after the guy apologized and i said thank you, everyone else started saying 'gr' until the match ended and there were a bunch of 'gg's instead, like i mentioned above.

in all honesty, if i hadn't been so exhausted last night from having a really difficult day earlier that involved a lot of unintentional trauma triggers, panic attacks and anti-anxiety medication, i probably would have just left the game or not said anything when that happened, because i am terrified of confrontation and i am very used to it resulting in bad outcomes for me so i try very hard to have self-control and not potentially feed into trolls online, but i had a really really bad day, and that was my late night comfort special interest activity, and it pissed me off that i couldn't avoid traumatic triggers even in that short distraction before attempting to get some sleep. i was acting totally on emotionally charged impulse which is something that i try so hard not to do with strangers in video games of all places.

but i mention that specifically because it still made a difference in that one match, and because of that we were all able to have fun playing a video game the way it was meant to be played for friendly competitive enjoyment. i will probably never interact or maybe even just run into any of those people in a game lobby again, so obviously there's no way for me to know if the person who typed the slur messages will just continue to do that in other games anyways or if getting called-out on hateful behavior had any kind of impact on how he might think a few seconds longer before saying something like that to strangers online again in the future, but like. i don't know. that's kind of the point, i think? he seemed at the very least pretty embarrassed that nobody wanted to defend him or feed into the whole 'its not a big deal' thing, to the point that he actually apologized appropriately to me directly in a social setting where 6 other people saw it, so maybe that was a feeling of temporary guilt or shame or just being humbled a bit that he needed to experience to learn something from.

some people really are just not worth the mental or emotional effort to respond to because they are so set and fixed in their ways, and they're a stranger, and it's not our responsibility to fix that, especially in video games, that's why i usually. Dont Bother. but also sometimes people are so self-centered or uncaring or maybe even projecting self-hatred of how they think of themselves onto strangers because they don't view those strangers as fully realized human beings that continue living their lives after exiting out of a video game, who knows, i don't and i really don't care to, but i truly think there are a large amount of people in this kind of situation that just repeat whatever they've learned and heard around them for however long, and think of it as 'no big deal', and they suddenly feel very embarrassed and ashamed and small when one of the usernames they view as just a username on a screen talks back and they are faced with the realization that they said something awful to a real person, not an npc, not a left 4 dead 2 zombie character, and the other 6 real people there say nothing to defend them, because what they said sucked, and we're all trying to have fun playing a silly game, and they deserved to be embarrassed about it.

i think that's maybe my Big Concluding Thought on this whole thing. not necessarily 'everyone join me in Bringing Peace And Harmony To Left 4 Dead 2 Online Text Chat', but like...your words mean things to people you don't know when you say things to them in a place like a video game chat, and the largest majority of people playing most games just wanna play the game, so like. maybe think for a second or two before you just say stuff that sucks. especially if it sucks because it is literal hate speech? but also in general when it just sucks because its just a mean unwanted and unhelpful comment. and maybe ask yourself, if you're someone who jokes about wishing you werent 'so toxic when i play but i cant help it' or if you say things just to say things because 'its no big deal', why? why are you like that? you literally do not have to be. you don't know the lives and experiences of the people you're spending a very small amount of time with together in a game online and when you do this kind of stuff, when you're mean and 'toxic' and you call people slurs when they don't get as many high little numbers next to your digital team's fake video game scoreboard as you want them to get, the only impression or memory they will ever have of you is that they don't like you and you made a lighthearted experience suck for 7 people. that is all you get to be to that person forever.

idk, maybe other people don't think that's sad and maybe it doesn't bother them, but if that was the most common impression i left on a bunch of different groups of strangers that i wont get to interact with again afterwards i would feel pretty sad and ashamed about it.

anyways. i need to partake in tasks that do not involve rambling on my phone now but if you read this that is cool thank you, if you didnt that is fine i understand this became a ridiculously long post out of nowhere i do not blame u, and. i hope you have a good day. ok goodbye

[seth-shitposts]

💚&💙

THIS honestly

Lmaooooo

We have a funny fucking story. (This is one of the few memories we have access to)

So one of the pilots in middle school. The pilot never understood the concept of wanting to be in a relationship. Did not understand the hype. Was annoyed that peers were acting so "stupid" over things. Like it's not that big a deal. Calm down. There were so many other things that were more interesting.

At around the same time there was also this stupid prank game that a group of boys were playing. We were undiagnosed autistic and didn't realize we were queer. And we adopted all the "weird" peers. People don't like you and make fun of you and you're anxious to make friends? Well you're our friend now. No you can't say no. We hang out now. Tell me about the things you like pls. You're different from our peers? People make fun of you for being "edgy"? Well we think you're cool af. Share your music taste with us. People think you're "annoying"? Be our friend because we are practically mute. You have free range over the talking of the convo and we actively listen to what you have to say, this is amazing.

We made friends with some people that our peers would avoid and mock. So by association, we fell from invisible into that category. It was more annoying than anything. Because stupid game the guys in the grade were playing? It was something along the lines of whoever lost a bet or a dare or some shit had to ask out one of "The weird ones". I honestly can't remember how many times some guy who we didn't know and were barely acquainted would come over and ask us out. We turned them down every time because even though we couldn't put our finger on it, we felt like we were being mocked. (Because we were)

And then there was also the annoying thing where adults in our life kept saying stupid shit like "it's only a matter of time before the child gets into that boy crazy stage" or the even more annoying "is that child alright? That isn't normal..." (concerning our extreme disinterest in boys).

So how does one kill two birds with one stone?

The pilot at the time decided that, obviously, the best way to get the boys to keep us out of their stupid game and for adults to stfu about us "not being normal" was to say yes to the next boy who asked us out.

And ngl, the pilot absolutely loved how awkward the guy who asked us out got. He was so uncomfortable because the last 7 people we said no to. He was probably expecting the same. Nope. These are the consequences. You get to be our fake relationship for a few months.

And he was our fake relationship for a few months. He even played into it. (Keep in mind, he had no clue he was just being used as a facade.) The adults backed off, as did the game shit. And then he finally came clean and told us what was happening and that he wasn't actually interested in us. We didn't make him feel bad for it, because we didn't even take the "relationship" as seriously as he had. We just pretended enough to get people to stop being annoying.

i didn't have "i'm broken" teenage asexual angst i had "i'm literally being the only reasonable one about this concept and the rest of you are behaving like fucking freaks" perception issues

[taka-again]

Hey one person at most that might read this, I have what I think is an unsolvable puzzle for you:

I'm german but the german part of me is dead. Has been for a long time. For reasons of PTSD or anxiety or I don't know what, I feel so horrendously uncomfortable in any german social interaction that I would not even enjoy having friends. But that's okay, I've long since accepted that and I've rebuilt myself in english. Bilingual people often have some personality differences between their languages and I've just taken that concept and run with it to the point of being like sort of able to enjoy life.

So instead I have online friends. And for short amounts of time and large amounts of money I've even been able to meet many of them on trips I've splurged my savings on recently. I love them just as much in real life and it has shown me how devastatingly lonely and pointless my life back here in germany is.

So clearly I have to get out, right? Move to an english speaking country, in with or at least in proximity of one of my friends, and finally start living for the first time. It works out doubly well because with transitioning to a new name and gender AND fleeing the country, it's the perfect way to disappear and cut out my abusive family forever (they don't know about any of this). And if that's not possible until I have an updated passport and such, I should fill the time in between with a few more of the visits I've been doing, to prepare for my life there and spend as little time suffering as possible.

Well, I asked. They don't want to. None of them. Either because they're not in a stage of their lives where they're looking for room mates or because we're simply not as close as I imagine us to be. I'm aware of course that I need them more than they need me. How couldn't I? They have families and irl friends and function well enough for school or jobs. They have lives. I can't offer them anything but love, and even that they could get easier elsewhere.

I'm not mad at them at all, they're not responsible for me, you can't force someone to love you, and between me sometimes losing speech, having mental breakdowns or simply being anxious in a foreign country, they probably realise that beneath just splitting the rent, there is also some kind of implied request that I'm asking to be mommy'd through recovery. That is too much to ask of a random gaming friend.

But I am left feeling lonely and devastated. The notion of simply moving to an english speaking country all on my own and having to find a way to survive alone just the same as here is so daunting (and doesn't fix the loneliness) that looking forward to it doesn't get me through the months of suffering still left in germany.

So the puzzle is what am I supposed to do NOW? I'm not talking about my eventual living situation I mean how am I supposed to make it through the extreme depressive episode that was brought on by all this? When every single thing outside is german and that won't change for more than half a year. When my usual escape to the internet feels ruined and my friends feel awkward around me for having had to turn me down. When I just had so much hope and a specific idea of how life could be bearable some day but it's so far away and time doesn't pass when depression makes me incapable of enjoying anything anymore.

I've tried everything. I've picked up a job that accommodates my autistic/adhd needs better than any before, but when you're so depressed you can hardly stand up, any job is crushingly difficult. I've tried picking up new games and shows but I just don't enjoy anything anymore. I've tried antidepressants, I've been in therapy all my life. Nothing helps. I think a big reason I'm on HRT is just because it has been such a miracle cure for the mental health of my trans friends and I just wish it was that simple for me. Why do everyone's problems seem solvable except mine? I'm 27 now and things have still never gotten better, some only got worse. What else do people do to cope? I don't see the appeal in self harm but I'm considering it. I don't know how to get drugs but I kinda don't want them anyway cause I constantly have to drive back and forth between home and an airbnb cause I cant sleep at home due to repairs. I'm also expecting to get yelled at by the janitor any day now because he'll see how dirty my place is and give me a massive list of things to do that I can't do. I attempted suicide twice last week and I have no better plan than to keep trying that.

For tl;dr read the first 1-2 sentences of each paragraph

[idledreams-burninghearts]

So autistic burnout and how it impacts me

Basically it happens when you mask too much and fuck it if I don't mask like all the time

I've basically been masking since I was born lol. There are varying levels of masking, for me at least, I can't speak for other people

I guess the person I mask around the least is my ma but considering I live with her and I only get 14 hours a week actually alone, you can see how that isn't good right? Lol

Anyways, here's some ways it can look in adults

emotional dysregulation (lmao, def feeling this, could have probably stuffed my feelings down and snuffed them out if I hadn't been going through burnout for a couple months now)

decreased self-care (I am trying so hard but I've got no energy to do anything for myself. All my energy is going to work and my dog)

increased frequency of autistic traits (I can feel like they want to pop out but I'm not sure if people can actually tell? I really don't know how to unmask but I can feel the struggle of it trying to slip off)

irritability (yeap, being very resistant to change at work and yeap)

low motivation (oh yea, I really do not care about sales at work, I really don't care about doing anything except for sleeping)

Here's what it feels like to be going through it

anxiety (yeap! But I'm always anxious lol)

depression (yeap! Also always depressed)

extreme lethargy (yeap! I have chronic fatigue but it is definitely worse right now)

inability to ask for help (yeap! I have never been able to ask for help though)

memory issues (yeap! Also have always had a shit memory, thanks childhood trauma!)

loss of words or selective mutism (def going through that)

reduced executive functioning -e.g., staying organized, making decisions (yeap! And I think this is why I'm dissociating so much right now too. Kinda miss the full on black out dissociation. Not liking this fuzzy foggy sense of self and sense of the world, makes it real hard to know what's real)

trouble bouncing back from daily tasks (oh yea, but how can someone not have trouble with this when going through everything else?)

suicidal thoughts (yeap! Normally I'm just passively suicidal, like it would be nice to die but I'm not gonna do it, but it has definitely been pushing into actively suicidal lately, womp womp)

Besides masking, an article I'm reading says "Another reason you may feel exhausted is that you’re required to participate in long-term interactions that don’t offer much relief, like socializing at work. Though they may be 'lower-level' interactions, says Lombardo, they can deplete your energy." And I'm just like, yea, if you're masking then that is a huge chunk of energy. I love my coworkers (some more than others lmao whoops) but it is draining. And I work in retail so I have to interact with customers which I 100% do not want to do lol

Frequent changes are also listed as a reason for burnout and there have been a lot of changes going on at work since they were bought out. Manager was like "stop complaining about corporate they haven't even done anything lately" (which not true, they recently added a pop-up when you clock in saying to make sure you have your name tag and smile on and that felt like a huge slap in the face to me as I'm struggling with masking and is basically telling me that I can never unmask at work) but like I'm still struggling with the dress code change and being promoted to a supervisor position I never asked for and how the store no longer feels like we're finding the best option for the customer according to their needs but to just get them to spend as much money as possible and just like every change that has happened

The article lists some barriers in getting adequate support

"In a 2020 studyTrusted Source, participants reported that the inability to receive support for their needs contributed to a sense of burnout. This included:

being told burnout is your own fault (luckily I have not experienced this one)

hearing that it happens to everyone (my manager has said this to me lol, I have talked to her about it but it fucking sucked)

getting dismissed when you ask for help (it is very hard for me to ask for help so I don't really do it directly. "I'm too autistic for this" "we are understaffed" of course management doesn't listen to that. Plus I mentioned being understaffed one too many times and my manager snapped at me lol, I don't blame her she is under a lot of stress and she did put up now hiring signs after that)

Some ways to recover from burnout include

Removing obligations : It’s time to get a little ruthless with your schedule and commitments. If something isn’t 100% necessary, take it off your calendar for the near future. Your new goal is to try to find as much downtime as you can, with fewer extracurriculars, work projects, and social events."

Which I am doing. I've quit my dnd group. My schedule at work is going to be reduced to 3 days. I really want to work on cosplay but I'm waiting until I've recovered (which hopefully I'll still have enough time to work on at least one lol). A coworker friend invited me to sushi with everyone and I'm like that's nice but I can't lol.

And participating in soothing activities which they list a few

spend time in nature (trying to do that more, tossing peanuts for crows at work and such)

practice a calming visualization

exercise (lmao fuck no)

draw (I don't have the creativity right now)

listen to music (yes yes yes)

journal (yes sorry to everyone that I use Tumblr as my journal, ironically hiding myself and keeping secrets is a trigger for me. Like I make it so hard for people to know me and I mask but hiding myself and keeping secrets is a trigger? Like I know exactly why, this is childhood trauma shit but like what the fuck)

stretch (yes and popping everything as I do so)

sit in silence with someone you love (I love my ma but there's issues I can't get past while living with her so I don't think this would be a good option for me) (sitting in silence with other people I love are also not good options because they are too far away and it takes up too much energy to get to them and our schedules conflict and it takes up too much energy to plan something out or because I'm crazy lol)

Sensory interventions like compression, noise canceling headphones, texture seeking, enjoying favorite smells, having a sensory closet

I don't have a weighted blanket and I'm not sure how I would feel about compression anyways. I don't need noise canceling headphones at home and I can't wear them at work lol. I do enjoy textures at home but it's harder to do that at work. Also can't enjoy favorite smells at work. And I wish I had the space for a sensory closet lol, maybe when I have the energy I can go through my closet and start tossing the stuff I need to toss.

Sleep is great for burnout but also if you can't sleep, just rest

I am doing a lot of both when I'm not at work lol. Wow, I really hate that I have to work in order to survive. This is a huge issue for me regarding my depression but that is a whole other post

Practice self compassion

Haha, yes yes

Something this specific article doesn't mention is that a lot of people on the spectrum also develop gastrointestinal issues and I think one of the reasons that happens is because of masking and I do think my gut problems get worse when I'm in burnout.

[createserenity]

I'm not autistic but I do have ADHD and everything in this post is so true for both these things. Yes everyone sometimes displays traits that are associated with autism or ADHD but doing those things sometimes but as the OP says it's when they start affecting things in a bigger way.

Sometimes those ways can seem really small, but it's when you put them all together that it makes the bigger picture.

For example you were going out and collected the car key from the place you always put it (because you've managed to develop that coping mechanism over the years) but then you remembered at least two other things you forgot, which meant you took the key with you and now you have lost it because whilst collecting those things you left it in a random place that bears no relation to a) anywhere vaguely sensible to put a key and b) the location of any of the other things you forgot. This is not a minor inconvenience that you can laugh about. It happens nearly everytime you try to leave the house. It's demoralising and shit and makes you feel useless. Then you cry because you're already late (see ADHD and time management) and now you're even later because you can't find the damn key yet again and just know it will be somewhere ridiculous. Now you're extremely stressed. If there are other people around you are probably yelling at them by now. Eventually you find the key on the sofa, or besides the bathroom sink, or on the floor next to the wardrobe or somewhere else daft. You leave the house, but you're stressed, anxious and possibly berating yourself for being so stupid. You swear you won't ever do this again, but you know you will and you don't understand why you can't just stop doing it.

This is only one of the ways your ADHD will make your life difficult and stressful today.

(For the record in case anyone is relating, I solved this problem by buying a Tile, which means I can find my keys by using my phone to make them emit a loud beeping noise. This is expensive and not something everyone can afford but if you can it has actually been life changing for me.)

All this is an example of the type of low support the OP was talking about. Generally I am very high functioning and you wouldn't know I was struggling, but that doesn't mean I don't need support.

Support isn't always another person, sometimes it's gadgets or apps that help to make life easier, sometimes it's buying all your meals from one of those companies where you pick recipes and they deliver all the ingredients already measured out and ready to go because that's the only way you can plan and cook healthy meals, sometimes it's medication or therapy, sometimes it's something else entirely. The point is that support isn't needed because of laziness or a temporary period of stress or overwhelm, it's needed because for people with ADHD and/or autism the brain works differently. That support also sadly often comes at a price that people can't afford and saying "everyone is a bit like that sometimes" is one of the things that stops people being able to access the finanical support they might need in order to access other forms of support they need.

There's so much wrong with "everyone is a little bit autistic"

Yes, allistic people might know a lot of facts about the things they like. Yes, allistic people might get a bit overwhelmed or underwhelmed sometimes. Yes, allistic people might not get an expression sometimes, mostly if it's the first time they hear it.

That doesn't make them autistic.

Those traits only make someone autistic when they become disabling. Because, big shock, autism is a disability. Yeah, even if someone is low support needs, because that doesn't mean they don't need any support at all.

Saying "everyone is a little bit autistic" is like saying "everyone struggles with this, so suck it up, you have no right to need help". Which is just pure ableist bullshit. It denies the fact that autistic people have higher support needs than NTs, no matter where in the autistic spectrum they are. We're not "neurospicy", we're disabled, and denying this fact is denying us the right to get the help we need, we deserve, to have a good life.

(yes, this rant is just because I made the awful decision of listening to "neurospicy (interlude)" by Jax. honestly I'd rather be called a slur than listen to that shit again.)

[chaotic-queer-disaster]

do you have any idea on how to know the difference between meltdowns, anxiety attacks and panic attacks? i get them all and sometimes i really struggle to know which I've experienced.

obligatory "im just an autistic teen with some form of anxiety, not a doctor" warning here. anyway

according to verywellmind, panic attacks are sudden and revolve around depersonalization, derealization, and the fear of dying/losing control, and physical symptoms like sweating, racing heart, trouble breathing, and lightheadedness. They don't usually last very long. A lot of people who say they have anxiety attacks actually have panic attacks.

Anxiety attacks.... technically don't exist, in the sense of being an official medical term. But usually, they describe a phenomenon similar to panic attacks, except they last longer and the feelings are less severe. Like, you'll feel restless, anxious, have trouble concentrating, feel irritable, etc, but you probably won't be crying on the bench in PE like you would in a panic attack.

But imo, the difference between the two doesn't really matter. They both are signals of bigger problems with anxiety if they keep happening, and need to be handled with anxiety management techniques like keeping a journal of your emotions, physical activity, socializing with people who comfort you, stimming if you're the type of ND that helps, therapy, a well-balanced diet, and getting the right amount of sleep. (more obligatory im not a doctor, just trying to help out, here). Some more resources for that: this, this, this.

So, what you should really be looking for is telling the difference between anxiety/panic attacks and meltdowns; anxiety/panic attacks can generally be handled in similar ways.

Meltdowns are autism-specific reactions to being overwhelmed in some way. They are commonly caused by stress, anger, frustration, and sensory overload. That's key there; once you're in the right headspace to examine it, if you can figure out whether your reaction was from being anxious, overwhelmed, or both, you can figure out how to help yourself.

IME, meltdowns may have aspects like agitation/irritability/anger, sensory overload, and screaming, which make them more obviously anxiety-induced meltdowns as opposed to panic attacks. They can also last longer and be extremely exhausting (not to say panic attacks can't be, tho).

I think the key thing among it is that panic attacks are thoroughly about panic. It's in the name for a reason; you're panicking and anxious the whole time. If there are other elements or that's not the main element, you may be experiencing a meltdown instead (esp. if it's sensory-induced).

But honestly, again, knowing the difference may not matter. If you get panic attacks and meltdowns, they probably merge at least somewhat or sometimes, and what matters is finding things that calm you down. Searching the related terms into tumblr's search bar is honestly a pretty good way to start.

sorry i couldn't be more helpful (/gen), but I'm not an expert at figuring out where distress comes from, so I wanted to mostly focus on alleviating the distress.