#and all the other podcasts on our radio are in polish

[disasterwriter]

I changed my extracurriculars from religions of the world to radio production and that means I need to start a podcast to pass this semester.

Which is mildly terrifying because I have no idea what to name it.

[whiteteadreams]

Y(our) Song

Paring: Lee Seokmin x Gn!Reader

Word Count: like 1.7k idk...

Genre: Slice of Life, college AU, fluff

Warnings: i don't think any...like at all except fluff and seokmin is in love love! also not proofread lol

a/n- hihi! so this idea came to me and i had to write it immediately! but dw i'm still working on some requests and the mafia jeongin fic!! also big big thank you to @ofneos for helping me out with some polishing of the fic and talking with me while i added the finishing touches!!

~~~~

He liked you, a lot, and he didn’t even know you, or at least not really. He knew your voice and the personality you put on for whoever listened to you. You didn’t know who ‘whoever’ was, but Seokmin was easily the person on campus who listened to you the most.

Every night that you hosted the campus radio station, Seokmin was always there to tune in and listen to the songs you played and the commentary you made before and after each one played. Your late podcast like music sessions made him feel a little less lonely when he was alone in his dorm at night, which was every night. Your voice filled his chest with a warmth and placed a smile on his face while he typed away at his computer, completing assignments that he held off so he could do them while you spoke.

Seokmin was listening to your calm, soothing voice like always when you said something that caused his fingers that were rapidly typing to come to a stop instantly.

The song had just come to an end when you said, “Alright, this one’s for all the other students who are night owls like me and tune in all the time. Whoever is the first down to the studio and finds the vinyl that holds my favorite song, which I played for you last week, somewhere in the many shelves that hold various records, will win two free tickets to any upcoming concert of your choice.” The instrumental intro of the next song started playing as you finished speaking. “Head over now for that chance to win before you’re out of time, in the meantime, here is Out of Time by The Weeknd”. As your voice was replaced by Abel’s, Seokmin saved the google doc that he was working on and sprinted out of his dorm.

He passed the studio every time he went to his psychology class, so he knew exactly where he was running to. It was about half a mile away from his dorm but the excuse to see and talk to you overcame the sleepiness that fogged his brain.

However, there was several things going through his brain at this time. The main ones were what he was going to say to you, where the radio station was, and what your favorite song was, which was Right Down the Line by Gerry Rafferty, but what wasn’t on his mind at this time, was his speeding footwork.

Before Seokmin knew it, he had tripped on an elevated sidewalk crack and was falling to the ground. His knees and palms luckily took the majority of the impact of his fall. He knew the little stones embedded into his hands would hurt later, but the overwhelming urge to meet you overpowered the pain. Getting up and wiping his palms off on his grey sweats, he started running again.

The streets were empty, absolutely silent except for his heavy breathing. He picked up his pace at the thought of someone else using his fall as an advantage to get ahead of him. Besides the quiet streets, if the streetlights weren’t there, it would also be completely dark. The shops and cafés mixed in within the dorms, classrooms and lecture halls were of course closed as it was 2:52 in the morning, but he saw the one light ahead in the distance, the one he was looking for, the radio station’s light.

He smiled as he didn’t see a group of people crowded outside the corner building, and his smile grew as he saw not a single soul inside the building once he stepped inside. But the feeling of someone beating him there nagged at his spirit. Seokmin was forced to step away from his radio in order to run there, so if someone did happen to beat him there, he wouldn’t have heard your announcement. He was there within five minutes, so he was praying there wasn’t someone right down to street who got there first.

Seokmin didn’t give up though and headed to the vinyl section, you didn’t say CD, you said vinyl and after listening to Right Down the Line several times after you stated it was your favorite, he knew the artist, genre, tone, how it was arranged, everything. Gerry Rafferty is listed as rock, pop rock, folk rock, soft rock, blues rock, and of course, classic rock. Seokmin wasn’t sure which genre you’d have it listed under, but as some of the other radio hosts weren’t as deep into genres as you were, he headed to the classic rock area and went to the 70s section to find City to City, the album it was on.

The albums were in very specific year order, so he grabbed the 1978 handful and looked through them. Chills ran through him as he saw the album art, surely if someone had found it first, you wouldn’t have had time to put it back just yet.

Putting the rest of the albums back in the exact order he found them in, with the exception of the album he clutched to his chest, he walked back to the main area and stood by the booth surrounded by glass that you sat in. He saw you talking into your mic with the words “ON AIR” flashing above the door.

You must’ve sensed his presence despite his silence as you looked over your shoulder with a bright smile and waved at him before holding up one finger to signify you needed a moment. He shot you a shy smile and nodded. You looked back at him and pointed at the album. He held it up, showing you the front before turning it around and pointing at the name of your favorite song. Your smile grew and you gave him two thumbs up. Seokmin’s heart sped up at the thought of making you happy.

His heart was already beating fast from the adrenaline that was coursing through his veins, but you were also much prettier than he had already thought you were. Your photo on the station’s website was the same photo that was on your school ID but the photos that were held in link to your Instagram also didn’t do you justice.

While Seokmin waited for you, he looked down at his hands, careful not to get any blood on what you called a masterpiece. His feet hurt a bit from running in his slides, causing him to constantly switch which foot he was putting most of his weight on. He knew he looked awkward but lucky for him, your back was to him.

“Alright everyone, the contest is over as we have our winner. I’m going to step away for a bit, but don’t worry everyone, I have plenty of late-night jams queued up for all of you. Enjoy!” Seokmin heard your voice throughout the speakers in the station and braced himself for the conversation he was about to have with you.

The booth’s door opened and out stepped you. Your eyes held evident drowsiness, but he could understand as to why, but your voice and spirit was still bright.

“Hi! Well, you won my little competition, I’m impressed that you remembered the song! I’m Y/n by the way.” You stuck out your hand only to be met with Seokmin holding up his scraped hand. “I would shake your hand, but I tripped. I’m Seokmin though.” Heat covered his face as he giggled at himself.

“Aw, I’m sorry! But at least you won, right? About that, what concert are you wanting to go to?” The red on his face spread everywhere visible as he let the words slip out before he could give it a second though. “I actually only came here since it gave me an excuse to meet you.” He looked down at the vinyl in his hand and traced the colorful outline of Gerry Rafferty with his fingernail.

“Oh! Me?” Your words don’t hold any type of mockery, you don’t make him feel embarrassed whatsoever. “No one has ever wanted to meet me, I’m really flattered.” You laughed but it was humble and genuine, full of surprise, but your voice drug on. “But you met me, and it’s been 30 minutes since the contest started and no one else showed up…so do you want those tickets? Any concert you want!”

Seokmin could hear the awkwardness in your voice, unsure about what to do at this point. The confusion was also evident as no one has stuck around this long during a radio involved thing just to talk to you.

“Um, yeah, yeah sure. Do you have any suggestions? Gerry Rafferty maybe?” He looked at you with doe eyes, the concert tickets were the last thing on his mind while you, you were the first.

Looking at him with softness in your eyes, you shook your head lightly and giggled. “Gerry Rafferty died in 2011, but if he was still alive, I would have definitely suggested him. I like Greta Van Fleet a lot and I’ve played them on the station, how about them?”

You looked on your phone for tour dates of theirs while waiting for Seokmin to answer. He laughed and looked around, seeing that he was truly the only person that tried to show up.

“I guess what I’m trying to say, is I don’t care about who I see, I was just wondering if you’d like to go with me to any concert.” Seokmin was cute, that was obvious, and his demeanor showed nothing but kindness and a gentle aura.

“I mean, yeah sure! You can still pick the concert and I’ll get us those tickets!” Seokmin’s smile grew even more, and he bounced a bit on his toes. “Greta Van Fleet is fine with me.” He couldn’t remember the song of theirs that you played but all he cared about was the fact that you liked them.

He couldn't remember how their songs went, or the names of whoever is in Greta Van Fleet, but it all doesn't matter to him. The only thing on his mind is this chance to make you his.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I'm into the live episode that make up the last five episodes of season 3 of the Ray Peacock Podcast. Then one more season and then I can move on and pretend none of this ever happened and that'll be for the best. They did make me laugh pretty hard on the bus today. But this is definitely not a healthy part of a media diet.

Anyway. It is really weird to listen to this show from 2007-2008, and so much of it is so different. Ed Gamble is, mostly, borderline unrecognizable. The world they're in is borderline unrecognizable, the references and the talk of the media landscape are so wildly different.

Do you want to know a change that I like, and didn't until today manage to put my finger on what exactly that difference is? That they can say horrible things without prefacing them with "I bet this'll get me canceled by the wokes" every time. They could just say horrible things because they genuinely believed it would be funny, rather than these days, when people say horrible things because they can brag about how they say cancel-able stuff and that'll get them attention and let them sell tickets/views to horrible people who will put their money toward supporting anything that's horrible. It's hard to hide behind "but I was just being ironic!" when you do it like that. I realized I've grown so used to the "Oh my God you'd better come listen to me say something cancel-able!" grifters that it now actually sounds weird to me to hear someone be edgy without the grift.

Anyway, this podcast is so rife with big and small clues that it existed in a totally different world to ours, it's actually escapist as I re-arrange my brain to temporarily inhabit this other world while I enjoy the podcast, that I found it amazingly jarring to be suddenly pulled back into reality by something that is amusingly still exactly the same today:

This reminds me of when I was listening to Lee and Herring on the radio in 1994 and they started talking shit about Bruce Dessau, and I asked, how long has that guy been going? Not just that he was doing this in 1994, but that by then, he was already so well established that he was a go-to reference for comedians who talk about reviewers. (Although I guess I can't consider it that weird, since Lee and Herring were established enough to have a radio show by 1994, and they're both still going.)

I obviously knew that Chortle existed in 2008, since for one thing, it hosted The Ray Peacock Podcast at the time (I don't actually know when Chortle started, but I've found a Chortle review of John Oliver's first stand-up hour in 2002 - Steve wasn't impressed - so at least that long). But for some reason it really, really surprised me to hear how little has changed. I find it genuinely baffling how someone can get away with running a largely text-based web publication for a living while constantly making mistakes in the technical side of writing, and I think on some level, I must have assumed that he was good at it in the early days, and then just got well established enough to not have to care as much. Standards for proper spelling on the internet in general were higher in those days too (for professional publications, that is - they were probably lower on forum posts and things). I didn't even consciously realize that's an assumption I was making about Steve Bennett, until I heard he couldn't spell in 2008 either, and I found that shocking. How does he have his career then? Why doesn't someone stop him? Apparently Steve Bennett's inability to spell is the one thing that connects all parallel universes. In this entire podcast so far, it's the only reference they've made that hasn't dated.

(Obligatory note, and I know I say this every time but I still can't leave it out because hypocrisy bothers me, of course my Tumblr blog is full of errors, I'm writing it for free, I would have this shit polished and pristine if someone were paying me for it.)

[welivezombiecarnival]

Valley Lights | The Next Synthwave Sensation

If you’re a fan of 80s nostalgia and electronic music, then you’ve probably heard of synthwave. And if you’re a fan of synthwave, then it’s time to add the album Two Lane Highway and its synthetic retrowave beats by California-based artist Valley Lights to your playlist. 

For those of you who don’t know, Valley Lights gives a strong resemblance to a Jim Morrison who never aged and who traded drugs and alcohol for reps at the the gym. I’m not saying his music is cleaner and more polished than the Doors frontman, but also that is exactly what I’m saying.

Synthwave first emerged in the late 2000s and draws inspiration from the sounds and aesthetics of the 1980s. The genre often features pulsating basslines, catchy melodies, and atmospheric synths that transport listeners back to the neon-lit streets of a retro-futuristic city. I’m going to name three songs that heavily influenced the modern synthwave style. “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell, “Blue Monday” by New Order, and “Take On Me” by A-Ha.

Congratulations. That was your synth crash course. If you want to get the full immersive experience, then you’ll want to add in the electronic sounds of Berlin’s Kraftwerk and Detroit’s CYBOTRON.

In an exclusive interview with Ricky Lee Potts from his website, Valley Lights describes his inspiration for his latest album from a bad breakup and some of the worst pain he had experienced in his entire life.

The process of working through that pain was Two Lane Highway, an album according to the Valley Lights Bandcamp page that transports you “to a world of love, loss and excitement set against the backdrop of sun drenched California coastlines.”

Synthwave is not only limited to music, by the way. The genre has also influenced other forms of media such as movies, video games, and even fashion. In fact, the We Live Zombie Carnival podcast is inspired by the synthwave and retrowave subgenre.

The podcast’s original vlog bases its entire first episode around the classic 80s movie Night of the Comet. The scene from the abandoned radio station where Regina and Samantha first encounter Hector heavily influenced the structure of the entire podcast.

Valley Lights graciously lends his musical expertise to the We Live season finale. His track “Chasing Ghosts” lends to the overall cinematic vibes of the finale and can be heard about halfway through the episode.

Visit the Valley Lights Bandcamp page here to download his digital album or to purchase a physical cassette tape because you have to. That same Bandcamp page describes Two Lane Highway as “a visceral, danceable entry into the synthwave genre that takes hold and doesn’t let go. Earworm melodies flow seamlessly over arpeggiated synth lines, power-chord guitars, and screaming saxophone solos. Like a mashup of Blade Runner and The Weeknd, Valley Lights relishes the neon aesthetics of the synthwave genre, but is never afraid to break out of them with pop sensibilities that will immediately have you singing along.”

For a full list of all the amazing artists from every episode of We Live! follow the Joe Deez Bandcamp page here and check out our Collection and Wishlist pages. Listen to the We Live! Zombie Carnival podcast and hear the Valley Lights killer track "Chasing Ghosts" here:

[pilesofnonsense]

RQBB Writer Guidelines & Sign-up

(This is a post including the requirements for writer participation for ease of access to mobile users. As it is quite long, please reblog our Writer Sign-Ups Announcement Post instead of this one!)

RQBB Writer Guidelines

Welcome to the Rusty Quill Big Bang - a large-scale event bringing writers and artists together to create an explosion of fan content for Rusty Quill podcasts!

Please read the following carefully to understand what will be expected of you as a participant. If you’re on browser, you can see more details on our Challenge Guidelines and FAQ pages.

Schedule for 2021 (all times in BST)

Writer Sign-ups: May 10th - 16th

Check-in 1: June 13th by 11pm

Full First Draft & Summary Due: July 9th by 11pm

Artist Sign-ups: July 12th - 18th

Check-in 2 & Art Draft Deadline: August 15th by 11pm

Final Fic & Art Due: August 27th by 11pm

Posting: August 31st - September 15th

Fandoms: Rusty Quill Gaming, The Magnus Archives, Stellar Firma, Inexplicables

Participation Requirements:

You must choose whether to join the Big Bang as an artist or writer. You may not do both.

Writers will require an AO3 account; if you do not have an AO3 account, please request one via AO3’s login page, or message the mods for an invite.

If you wish to write M or E rated fics you must be aged over 18.

All participants must read and adhere to the Expected Conduct guidelines (see below).

Minimum Final Word Count: 20,000

Maximum Number of Fics per Writer/s: 1

Maximum Number of Writers per Fic (collaboration): 2

Fic Draft Requirements: At the draft deadline (July 9th), we will require a complete draft of at least 18,000 words. “Complete” means that the fic is written from start to finish with no indispensable scenes missing or left as outlines—think, “If I posted this right now, would I be happy with the story it tells?”

Ideally, you will refine and polish your draft in the remaining time, but it can also be your final draft if you prefer.

Drafts will be handed in via a form that will be sent out to you before the deadline. Drafts should be available in Google docs, or if need be in PDF format.

Summary Requirements: A form for the summary will be sent out to you before the deadline. Summaries should briefly outline the general premise, and include rating, ships, triggers and other warnings, and any other relevant details.

Eligible Fics: Fics of any rating and with any warnings are permitted, as long as they meet the minimum word count (20,000), are centred around at least one Rusty Quill show (The Magnus Archives, Rusty Quill Gaming, Stellar Firma, Inexplicables), and are tagged appropriately. We encourage authors to take this opportunity to challenge themselves to take on a project that they might not otherwise—though please consider what is realistic in terms of the deadlines as well!

Fics must be stand-alone, complete, and previously unposted. 

Crossovers are allowed, but the focus should be on the RQ podcast involved. For example: a fusion crossover with the Leverage Team replacing the LOLOMG in the RQG!verse would not be permitted, though the RQG characters in the Leverage!verse would be.

Please be aware that fics with obscure crossovers, common squicks, higher ratings, etc., may be more difficult to match, and thus take a little longer to get snapped up. We will do our best to find you a suitable match, though!

If you have any questions about the suitability of your fic, please contact the mods.

Matching Process:

The artist sign-up will include a list of the anonymised fic summaries. Each artist will select 3 fics which they would be interested in creating for, with additional preferences (favourite show/shows they do not follow, OTPs and NoTPs, Do Not Wants, etc.) indicated in the comment field. Mods will then match writers to artists, taking preferences into account as much as possible.

If one fic is oversubscribed or if it is otherwise necessary for a work to be matched, it may be removed from the list of eligible fics before the end of artist sign-ups.

If you have an issue with your match, please let the mods know as soon as possible.

Do Not Wants: In this event, you will have an opportunity to Do Not Want (DNW) the types of content that you do not wish to work on. Similarly, if you’ve had conflicts with certain people in the past and do not want to risk matching to them, you can include this in your sign-up or draft submission, and we will avoid matching you with them (details of these will not be shared beyond the mod team).

The mods will take DNWs into account within reason - attempts to manipulate matches by DNWing large lists of people or otherwise acting in bad faith will result in the rejection of your sign-up or draft. We are also not private detectives, and will thus not be fielding any requests such as “do not match me with anyone who has ever drawn/written XYZ”, so please keep that in mind when considering whether this event is right for you.

Expected Conduct:

By signing up for this event, you agree to meet our deadlines. If it becomes apparent that you need a little more time, we require that you email the mods to explain your situation before the deadline passes. (Those who miss deadlines without contacting the mods beforehand may be defaulted from the event without further contact.)

In order to participate in this event, you must be willing to contact the mods directly in the event that you have a question, concern, or issue with your participation (as in the deadline example above). We are happy to help participants with anything that arises, but cannot accept “telephone”-style communiques on behalf of others.

Be kind and courteous towards your match and fellow participants.

Please take care to credit your artist/writer in your own final post.

Be in regular contact with your match - if you’re going to be offline for a significant length of time, let them know. Radio silence from your match in events of this kind can be very concerning.

Our Discord server has its own list of rules, which are listed within the server. If you decide to join the server, we require you to read and abide by those rules.

Harassment of other participants (including but not limited to callout posts, namecalling, etc.), either publicly or in the Piles of Nonsense discord server, over their fanworks or headcanons will result in an instant default.

We, like Rusty Quill, have an “all headcanons are valid” policy. Harassment or mockery of those with different interpretations or other attempts to limit participants’ creative expression will not be tolerated. Please note that this does not mean you cannot discuss, for example, how you see the characters with others or that your artist or writer should not take it into account at their discretion, but insistence that any one interpretation must be adhered to, or that others are “invalid”, will be frowned upon.

Writer sign-up is here.

[myhahnestopinion]

THE AARONS 2020 - Best Film

Believe it or not, there were movies released last year - 75 of them at the very least, as that’s how many I watched. That’s 30 less than last year, even though I spent approximately 300% more time inside my home, but I’ll cut myself some slack. 2020 may have been a loss, but there were still some real winners to come out of it. Here are the Aarons for Best Film:

#10. The Assistant

It’s a sin of omission: No name is spoken in the film. No crimes are labeled. The towering chair in the middle of the shot sits empty, and yet the dangerous jaw of the doorframe is unmistakable. Kitty Green’s office procedural is made more nauseating in its minimalism; loosely based on the Weinstein sexaul assault scandal, The Assistant counts on a viewer’s familiarity, not just with the broad strokes of abuse, but the minutiae that enables it. By following a junior employee, played by the always tactful Julia Garner, through a series of daily mundanities, Green’s film shifts the spotlight, questioning our collective culpability in creating toxic environments. Every act must be an act of rebellion, the film says, or else we are assisting.

#9. Happiest Season

Happiest Season hit a snag last year: what was set to be a landmark in wide-release studio rom-coms became another victim of a pandemic that pushed people apart for the holidays. The homey movie might have hit harder in its Hulu-Original release though, as a needed reminder of the power of patience during difficult times. Harper (Mackenzie Davis) waits too long after an invite home for Christmas to tell her girlfriend Abby (Kristen Stewart) that she’s not out to her parents, imploring they keep the relationship a secret for the time being. It’s an unreasonable ask, prompted by unjust circumstances. By honestly exploring that conflict in hilarious, heartfelt fashion, Happiest Season was the most wonderful time of an interminable year.

#8. Wolfwalkers

Wolfwakers doesn’t run in a pack with the output of other animation studios, despite sharing a similar gravitas to the best of the Disney Renaissance. The wild style of its swirling sensory colors shed realism for an immersive, uninhibited fantasy world. Formatted like a proper fairy tale, the film centers on a moral: as wolfhunter’s daughter Robyn gains the ability to transform into the animal at night, the film walks viewers through overcoming fear of “the other'' in order to identify the true monsters among us. The howl of its voice actors, backed by a repurposed single by singer Aurora, completes this captivating creation. Released on the Apple TV+ streaming service, the film can rightfully boast of being one of the best of the year, so there’s no need to buy a wolf ticket.

#7. Onward

Onward put Pixar back on a forward-thinking path after a series of skippable sequels. Like director Dan Scanlon’s previous effort, it’s a smaller-scale saga for the studio, riffing on a classic comedic conceit rather than voicing existential crises: in a modernized fantasy world, two brothers take a road trip to locate a mystical artifact that can bring their father back for one more day. The quest is Pixar at its most magical, tweaking traditional tropes and tugging at one’s heartstrings. Despite the pieces being present, the film circumvents the jealousy of “knowledge vs. natural talent” that fueled Scanlon’s Monsters University; its vulnerable, supportive, affectionate sibling relationship made Onward especially moving. 

#6. The Vast of Night

The Vast of Night plays on the vastness of imagination, tracking a young radio DJ and a switchboard operator through interviews that untangle the extraterrestrial events of their small town. In effect, the film is the Super 8 of the podcast world, plugging into the particular power of its medium by way of a retro-sci-fi adventure. For those on that wavelength, the atmospheric indie is an equally eerie and enticing beacon to the thrill of discovery. This audial focus doesn’t come at the expense of its visual format, mind you: the film’s hypnotic hold is only broken once - by the absolutely stunning construction of its midpoint tracking shot, one for the record books. 

#5. Tenet

A question of cause-and-effect: did Christopher Nolan’s newest blockbuster fall into my top five for the year, or was a new Nolan novelty destined to place there before the year even began? His filmography has been on a roll since its inception, and the director keeps that forward-momentum going with the twisty Tenet, a time-bending thriller about agents unraveling a temporal cold war. Any way you look at them, the innovative, physics-based action scenes astound. Meanwhile, the midpoint movement turns on wondrous, child-like glee. With this grand of a scale, it’s a shame that Nolan’s devotion to the big screen despite the pandemic hampered the release; it seems some of the director’s tenets are better than others.

#4. His House

The works of Jordan Peele will likely be at the forefront of a viewer’s mind during His House, but, make no mistake, the film has horrors all its own. It’s a similar set-up to Get Out: a South-Sudanese refugee couple endure the various racist micro-aggressions of trying to assimilate or accommodate to an unwelcoming environment, even before learning their government-mandated housing is haunted. While that’s the foundation, His House’s ultimate form is unexpected, linked not to the guises of progress, but to the guilt of the past. Its supernatural sequences are made more startling by the raw performance of stars Sope Dirisu and Wunmi Mosaku; they own His House. 

#3. First Cow

Behind every successful man, there stands a cow. Director Kelly Reichardt continued her career-long deconstruction of the Western last year in her best bittersweet concoction, First Cow. Pioneers Cookie and Lu seek the promise of the frontier in 1800s Oregon Country, sneaking milk from a wealthy land-owner’s cow to start an oil-cake business. The camaraderie is lovely, but that contract is a lie: the truth is a world in which only capital begets capital, where the rich are more concerned with having something than using it. Reichardt doesn’t beef up this drama with overblown conflicts, instead milking the minimalism to ‘udderly’ devastating results: they were the first, but we’ll all be waiting on that Western promise of prospect ‘til the cows come home. 

#2. The Invisible Man

Often, movies will ask viewers to look at their monsters as metaphors; sometimes, they’re just monsters through and through. The Invisible Man, an update on the classic Universal film, polishes up the original’s special effects, but makes its titular character much uglier. Bringing the invasive nature of invisibility to the surface, the film reinterprets the character as a domestic abuser, gaslighting his ex, Cecilia, from beyond his supposed grave. Elizabeth Moss makes it a must-watch, never letting the audience look away from the trauma and terror of that situation. It’s highly-disturbing horror, made more so by an ending that leaves viewers in the dark, and the craft is always phenomenal. Director Leigh Whannell clearly had vision since his very first film project, but after The Invisible Man, everyone will be saying, “Saw who?” 

AND THE BEST FILM OF 2020 IS...

#1. Straight Up

Straight Up? One of the best rom-coms of recent memory, and my favorite film of an odd year. It’s a fittingly off-beat premise after all: a young gay man and an equally-witty young woman, each struggling with intimacy in different ways, explore an unusual romantic relationship with each other. In a time when we were all cut off from connections with other people, Straight-Up reexamined internalized phobias and millennial malaise to forge new ones, uncovering the rare occurrence of a platonic ideal. With whip-smart dialogue, reflective filmmaking, and two star-making central performances, you will surely fall as in love with Straight Up as I did, and that is nothing less than My Hahn-est Opinion.

NEXT UP: THE 2020 AARON FOR WORST FILM!

[lalka-laski]

How many pages did the last book you read have? 417

What do you like on your pancakes? Butter & syrup (one the side- NOT on top!)

Do you like small parties or large parties more? It depends on a lot of factors. What type of party is it? Where is it? Who else is there?

What was the last exam you passed in? I had to take a food safety course for my job because we serve coffee to patients. What a pain that was.

Do you think paw prints are cute? Uh no, not particularly. And I find paw print tattoos atrocious.

How much would you pay a neighbour to do your lawn? Uh, not sure.

Ordinary pens, scented pens, gel pens or felt tip pens? Ordinary or gel

Are you a people person? I am in the sense that I get along great with others. But I'm very introverted and would prefer to be alone or with a small, select group of people.

Do you put pepper on your scrambled eggs? Sometimes.

Who, except yourself, has the nicest pet? My sister has two cute bunnies (my niblings!)

What’s your favourite piece of clothing? Anything comfy & cozy and probably not appropriate to wear outside the home.

What place have you gone to that you never would again? Any Rochester nightclub

What do others seem to have plenty of and you have little or none? Common sense, motivation & drive

Is pink a nice colour, an okay colour or icky? If you know me even slightly, you know my answer to this!

What do you have in your pockets? Not a thing

Do you listen to podcasts? Nah, I really can't get into them

Have you ever played Poker? I don't think so

Do you have a pond in your garden? Nope. Well I don't have a garden to begin with so let's start there.

How about a swimming pool? Also nope

Do you like Poptarts? Hell yeah

Do you write notes on post-it notes? At work, yeah Do you ever use the word quaint? Mhm

Do you know what quantum physics is? Not even a little bit.

Are you a quiet or loud person? Certainly more on the quiet side but sometimes I'm unaware of my own volume

Do you usually ask a lot of questions? I guess so

Are you quick witted? In what aspect? No. I think I'm witty, but I'm not *quick* about it. Do you listen to the radio often? I haven't in ages. The last time was Christmas Eve when I made Glenn but Christmas music on while we drove around town looking at lights.

Do you prefer rain or snow? That depends greatly on the time of year

Have you ever ran into someone and injured you or them due to it? Oh yeah all the time

Do you listen to rap music? It's not my fave

Do you find pet rats gross or nice? Why? Absolutely DISGUSTING

Have you ever been to a rave? Nope

Are you somewhat of a rebel? I wouldn't say that, no. How about reckless? Very

Do you prefer red, black or purple dresses? I'd go with black

Do you know how to reload a gun? Nope

Do you remember your first best friends Mum’s name? Of course. She was a second mom to me

Do you have a good or a bad reputation? It depends who you ask

What song do you request most often on the radio? I don't think I ever did that, even as a teen.

Do you prefer rice or tofu? Rice. But I do love some tofu

Have you ever held a rifle? I've held some hunting guns when I used to visit my dad's camp. I think they were rifles? I don't know shit about guns so it beats me.

Do you know a Robert? What’s he like? He's my cousin & he's the most genuine person in our entire family.

Do you like rollercoasters? I used to but my tolerance has waned severely as I've grown older.

Been to Rome, Italy? No but I'd love to.

Are Roses your favourite flower? Nope. Chrysanthemums. Do you feel safe in your neighbourhood? Yeah. Despite the fact that my apartment complex makes our town's police blotter EVERY week haha.

Whose the Patron Saint of your Country? No clue if the US even has one?

Do you put salt on your fries? Mhm

When did you stop believing in Santa? 9ish

Do you think the name Sarah is pretty? It's one of my FAVORITES but it's out of the running for potential daughter names because it's the name of Glenn's first girlfriend/first love.

Is Saturday your favourite day of the week? I guess so

Have you ever watched Saved By The Bell? Opinions? I loved that shit! Zach Morris was my first ever crush (even though he's trash!)

What about the Saw films? Opinion? Those are way too sick for me.

Are you easily scared? VERY very.

What’s your secondary language, if any? I speak decent, conversational Polish but nowhere near enough to consider it a second language. Someday though...

Name all the things you can see from where you’re sitting? All your typical desk/office related things

What’s the last sentence you spoke out loud? "Have a good day" I think

What year did you turn seven in? Making me do math over here? Umm... 1999?

How important is sex in a relationship how important is sex from 1-10? It's a crucial element for me and I couldn't maintain a romantic relationship with someone I didn't connect with physically and intimately. But I understand some folks rank it much lower on a scale of importance and that's cool too! Personal preference.

What is your favourite shade of blue? Robin's egg

Shade of Purple? Lavender

Favourite shape? Heart

Do you know a girl called Sharon? I think so. Haven't seen her in years, though. (And I'm not 100% sure her name is even Sharon, so LOL)

How about Shari? Nope

Do you shave your arms, legs, pubic hair and/or somewhere else? Legs & pubic area (although I prefer to Nair)

When was the last time you were sick? Months ago

What’s the worst side effects you’ve had due to a medication? Anxiety attacks & partial hallucinations. COOL!

What does your signature look like? Not as good as I'd like it to. And I've been practicing with my married name and that looks even worse!

Do you like silk? What do you own that is silk? I have some silk pajamas that are divine.

Do you sip or drink hot drinks fast? Oh I gulp eveeeeeeeerything I drink. It's a problem.

How about with alcohol? See above

Do you have sisters? How many, what ages and what’re they called? Two sisters. Candice, 35 and Kathleen, 25. Is your grandmother older than sixty five? They're both passed but yes, they would be older than 65.

Do you slam doors often? Nah. Not intentionally at least.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face? For what reason? Yeah. If you remember, I grew up with two sisters!

Do you snack a lot or just eat big meals? Lately I've been CRAZY snacky!

Do you smile more often, or frown? Smile

Are you wearing socks? Begrudgingly Do you say sorry too often? Far more often than I should

What’s a sound that always soothes you? The laughter and voices of my babies :)

Do you carry a lot of spare change? How much is on you now? None ever

Do you own a swimsuit of the Speedo brand? Nope

Do you like sunflowers? I do!

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

(via A "Rational Suicide" Note. Ft. Anne Örtegren.)

November 9, 2019

This is a “suicide” note left by a ME/CFS sufferer who sought and found relief from her suffering via legal, medically assisted suicide.  She says this manifesto took her months to write, which I do not doubt a bit: it is long, detailed and polished and was written when she was feeling terrible.  She wrote it with the intent to describe her almost indescribable pain and experience, and to convince others to take action on behalf of ME/CFS sufferers, both of which are lofty communication goals when anyone is seriously ill.

Describing and convincing have been my most impossible endeavors since I’ve been seriously ill myself and I think I have mostly failed, judging by others’ reactions to everything I’ve managed to gather the physical and emotional grit to attempt to communicate: that I am seriously, hopelessly ill with an incurable, progressive disease, that there is no bottom to how bad this can get, and it matters not what anyone thinks about it.  Some things are just true regardless of whether anyone believes it.

In this note, ME/CFS patient Anne Örtegren describes symptoms and dilemmas I have experienced myself and she foresees logical outcomes to her predicament, something sick people and especially sick women are never allowed to do because catastrophization. For example, she knows that her heightened sensitivity to light and sound will make treatment or recovery in a hospital setting impossible where the standard of care in that environment requires constant activity and interruptions, and provides no privacy and no escape from the harsh industrial lighting, interrogations by (allegedly) well meaning staff and the general hustle and bustle of capitalistic money making on the backs and bodies of sick and dying people.

That is but one example of a sick person making informed prognostications regarding likely outcomes of the things other people want to do to us, and as someone who shares these sensitivities to light and sound (and therefore an aversion to hospital settings) as but one example of our shared experience of being seriously ill, I appreciated her spelling it out.  I also feel extremely sad that she had to, and furious that no one who allegedly cared about her wellbeing including medical professionals who should be fucking sensitive to the actual needs of real patients could make the leap themselves.  There are many such examples in this letter.

See for yourselves, and understand that as illuminating and raw as this letter is, it’s also been edited by the publisher and a so-called suicide prevention expert because the bottom line everywhere appears to be that there is no such thing as rational suicide or euthanasia because well people and people who make money off of the long-term sick and dying say so.  And because living in this capitalistic, patriarchal nightmare is so hideous for so many people that “suicide contagion” exists, where just knowing that someone, somewhere had whatever it took to end themselves is likely to cause untold numbers of happy, healthy consumers with bright futures to do the same damn thing.  Yeah that’s it, let’s keep telling ourselves that.

The letter as published is reprinted below.  The unedited letter supposedly exists online somewhere if anyone cares to look and has the energy to figure out how and where the edited version differs from the original.  Comments are open below.

Farewell – A Last Post from Anne Örtegren

Nobody can say that I didn’t put up enough of a fight.

For 16 years I have battled increasingly severe ME/CFS. My condition has steadily deteriorated and new additional medical problems have regularly appeared, making it ever more difficult to endure and make it through the day (and night).

Throughout this time, I have invested almost every bit of my tiny energy in the fight for treatment for us ME/CFS patients. Severely ill, I have advocated from my bedroom for research and establishment of biomedical ME/CFS clinics to get us proper health care. All the while, I have worked hard to find something which would improve my own health. I have researched all possible treatment options, got in contact with international experts and methodically tried out every medication, supplement and regimen suggested.

Sadly, for all the work done, we still don’t have adequately sized specialized biomedical care for ME/CFS patients here in Stockholm, Sweden – or hardly anywhere on the planet. We still don’t have in-patient hospital units adapted to the needs of the severely ill ME/CFS patients. Funding levels for biomedical ME/CFS research remain ridiculously low in all countries and the erroneous psychosocial model which has caused me and others so much harm is still making headway.

And sadly, for me personally things have gone from bad to worse to unbearable. I am now mostly bedbound and constantly tortured by ME/CFS symptoms. I also suffer greatly from a number of additional medical problems, the most severe being a systematic hyper-reactivity in the form of burning skin combined with an immunological/allergic reaction. This is triggered by so many things that it has become impossible to create an adapted environment. Some of you have followed my struggle to find clothes and bed linen I can tolerate. Lately, I am simply running out. I no longer have clothes I can wear without my skin “burning up” and my body going into an allergic state.

This means I no longer see a way out from this solitary ME/CFS prison and its constant torture. I can no longer even do damage control, and my body is at the end of its rope. Therefore, I have gone through a long and thorough process involving several medical assessments to be able to choose a peaceful way out: I have received a preliminary green light for accompanied suicide through a clinic in Switzerland.

When you read this I am at rest, free from suffering at last. I have written this post to explain why I had to take this drastic step. Many ME/CFS patients have found it necessary to make the same decision, and I want to speak up for us, as I think my reasons may be similar to those of many others with the same sad destiny.

These reasons can be summed up in three headers: unbearable suffering; no realistic way out of the suffering; and the lack of a safety net, meaning potential colossal increase in suffering when the next setback or medical incident occurs.

Important note Before I write more about these reasons, I want to stress something important. Depression is not the cause of my choice. Though I have been suffering massively for many years, I am not depressed. I still have all my will and my motivation. I still laugh and see the funny side of things, I still enjoy doing whatever small activities I can manage. I am still hugely interested in the world around me – my loved ones and all that goes on in their lives, the society, the world (what is happening in human rights issues? how can we solve the climate change crisis?) During these 16 years, I have never felt any lack of motivation.

On the contrary, I have consistently fought for solutions with the goal to get myself better and help all ME/CFS patients get better. There are so many things I want to do, I have a lot to live for. If I could only regain some functioning, quieten down the torture a bit and be able to tolerate clothes and a normal environment, I have such a long list of things I would love to do with my life!

Three main reasons So depression is not the reason for my decision to terminate my life. The reasons are the following:

1. Unbearable suffering Many severely ill ME/CFS patients are hovering at the border of unbearable suffering. We are constantly plagued by intense symptoms, we endure high-impact every-minute physical suffering 24 hours a day, year after year. I see it as a prison sentence with torture. I am homebound and mostly bedbound – there is the prison. I constantly suffer from excruciating symptoms: The worst flu you ever had. Sore throat, bronchi hurting with every breath. Complete exhaustion, almost zero energy, a body that weighs a tonne and sometimes won’t even move. Muscle weakness, dizziness, great difficulties standing up. Sensory overload causing severe suffering from the brain and nervous system. Massive pain in muscles, painful inflammations in muscle attachments. Intensely burning skin. A feeling of having been run over by a bus, twice, with every cell screaming. This has got to be called torture.

It would be easier to handle if there were breaks, breathing spaces. But with severe ME/CFS there is no minute during the day when one is comfortable. My body is a war zone with constant firing attacks. There is no rest, no respite. Every move of every day is a mountain-climb. Every night is a challenge, since there is no easy sleep to rescue me from the torture. I always just have to try to get through the night. And then get through the next day.

It would also be easier if there were distractions. Like many patients with severe ME/CFS I am unable to listen to music, radio, podcasts or audio books, or to watch TV. I can only read for short bouts of time, and use the computer for even shorter moments. I am too ill to manage more than rare visits or phone calls from my family and friends, and sadly unable to live with someone. This solitary confinement aspect of ME/CFS is devastating and it is understandable that ME/CFS has been described as the “living death disease”.

For me personally, the situation has turned into an emergency not least due to my horrific symptom of burning skin linked to immunological/allergic reactions. This appeared six years into my ME/CFS, when I was struck by what seemed like a complete collapse of the bodily systems controlling immune system, allergic pathways, temperature control, skin and peripheral nerves. I had long had trouble with urticaria, hyperreactive skin and allergies, but at this point a violent reaction occurred and my skin completely lost tolerance. I started having massively burning skin, severe urticaria and constant cold sweats and shivers (these reactions reminded me of the first stages of the anaphylactic shock I once had, then due to heat allergy).

Since then, for ten long years, my skin has been burning. It is an intense pain. I have been unable to tolerate almost all kinds of clothes and bed linen as well as heat, sun, chemicals and other everyday things. These all trigger the burning skin and the freezing/shivering reaction into a state of extreme pain and suffering. Imagine being badly sunburnt and then being forced to live under a constant scalding sun – no relief in sight.

At first I managed to find a certain textile fabric which I could tolerate, but then this went out of production, and in spite of years of negotiations with the textile industry it has, strangely, proven impossible to recreate that specific weave. This has meant that as my clothes have been wearing out, I have been approaching the point where I will no longer have clothes and bed linen that are tolerable to my skin. It has also become increasingly difficult to adapt the rest of my living environment so as to not trigger the reaction and worsen the symptoms. Now that I am running out of clothes and sheets, ahead of me has lain a situation with constant burning skin and an allergic state of shivering/cold sweats and massive suffering. This would have been absolutely unbearable.

For 16 years I have had to manage an ever-increasing load of suffering and problems. They now add up to a situation which is simply no longer sustainable.

2. No realistic way out of the suffering A very important factor is the lack of realistic hope for relief in the future. It is possible for a person to bear a lot of suffering, as long as it is time-limited. But the combination of massive suffering and a lack of rational hope for remission or recovery is devastating.

Think about the temporary agony of a violent case of gastric flu. Picture how you are feeling those horrible days when you are lying on the bathroom floor between attacks of diarrhoea and vomiting. This is something we all have to live through at times, but we know it will be over in a few days. If someone told you at that point: “you will have to live with this for the rest of your life”, I am sure you would agree that it wouldn’t feel feasible. It is unimaginable to cope with a whole life with the body in that insufferable state every day, year after year. The level of unbearableness in severe ME/CFS is the same.

If I knew there was relief on the horizon, it would be possible to endure severe ME/CFS and all the additional medical problems, even for a long time, I think. The point is that there has to be a limit, the suffering must not feel endless.

One vital aspect here is of course that patients need to feel that the ME/CFS field is being taken forward. Sadly, we haven’t been granted this feeling – see my previous blogs relating to this here and here.

Another imperative issue is the drug intolerance that I and many others with ME/CFS suffer from. I have tried every possible treatment, but most of them have just given me side-effects, many of which have been irreversible. My stomach has become increasingly dysfunctional, so for the past few years any new drugs have caused immediate diarrhoea. One supplement triggered massive inflammation in my entire urinary tract, which has since persisted. The list of such occurrences of major deterioration caused by different drugs/treatments is long, and with time my reactions have become increasingly violent. I now have to conclude that my sensitivity to medication is so severe that realistically it is very hard for me to tolerate drugs or supplements.

This has two crucial meanings for many of us severely ill ME/CFS patients: There is no way of relieving our symptoms. And even if treatments appear in the future, with our sensitivity of medication any drug will carry a great risk of irreversible side-effects producing even more suffering. This means that even in the case of a real effort finally being made to bring biomedical research into ME/CFS up to levels on par with that of other diseases, and possible treatments being made accessible, for some of us it is unlikely that we would be able to benefit. Considering our extreme sensitivity to medication, one could say it’s hard to have realistic hope of recovery or relief for us.

In the past couple of years I, being desperate, have challenged the massive side-effect risk and tried one of the treatments being researched in regards to ME/CFS. But I received it late in the disease process, and it was a gamble. I needed it to have an almost miraculous effect: a quick positive response which eliminated many symptoms – most of all I needed it to stop my skin from burning and reacting, so I could tolerate the clothes and bed linen produced today. I have been quickly running out of clothes and sheets, so I was gambling with high odds for a quick and extensive response. Sadly, I wasn’t a responder. I have also tried medication for Mast Cell Activation Disorder and a low-histamine diet, but my burning skin hasn’t abated. Since I am now running out of clothes and sheets, all that was before me was constant burning hell.

3. The lack of a safety net, meaning potential colossal increase in suffering when the next setback or medical incident occurs The third factor is the insight that the risk for further deterioration and increased suffering is high.

On top of the nearly unbearable symptoms it is very likely that in the future things will get even worse. An example in my case could be my back and neck pain. I would need to strengthen muscles to prevent them from getting worse. But the characteristic symptom of Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM) when I attempt even small activities, is hugely problematic.

Whenever we try to ignore the PEM issue and push through, we immediately crash and become much sicker. We might go from being able to at least get up and eat, to being completely bedbound, until the PEM has subsided. Sometimes, it doesn’t subside, and we find ourselves irreversibly deteriorated, at a new, even lower baseline level, with no way of improving.

PEM is not something that you can work around.

For me, new medical complications also continue to arise, and I have no way of amending them. I already need surgery for one existing problem, and it is likely that it will be needed for other issues in the future, but surgery or hospital care is not feasible for several reasons:

One is that my body seems to lack repairing mechanisms. Previous biopsies have not healed properly, so my doctor is doubtful about my ability to recover after surgery.

Another, more general and hugely critical, is that with severe ME/CFS it is impossible to tolerate normal hospital care. For ME/CFS patients the sensory overload problem and the extremely low energy levels mean that a normal hospital environment causes major deterioration. The sensory input that comes with shared rooms, people coming and going, bright lights, noise, etc, escalates our disease. We are already in such fragile states that a push in the wrong direction is catastrophic. For me, with my burning skin issue, there is also the issue of not tolerating the mattresses, pillows, textile fabrics, etc used in a hospital.

Just imagine the effects of a hospital stay for me: It would trigger my already severe ME/CFS into new depths – likely I would become completely bedbound and unable to tolerate any light or noise. The skin hyperreactivity would, within a few hours, trigger my body into an insufferable state of burning skin and agonizing immune-allergic reactions, which would then be impossible to reverse. My family, my doctor and I agree: I must never be admitted to a hospital, since there is no end to how much worse that would make me.

Many ME/CFS patients have experienced irreversible deterioration due to hospitalization. We also know that the understanding of ME/CFS is extremely low or non-existent in most hospitals, and we hear about ME/CFS patients being forced into environments or activities which make them much worse. I am aware of only two places in the world with specially adjusted hospital units for severe ME/CFS, Oslo, Norway, and Gold Coast, Australia. We would need such units in every city around the globe.

It is extreme to be this severely ill, have so many medical complications arise continually and know this: There is no feasible access to hospital care for me. There are no tolerable medications to use when things get worse or other medical problems set in. As a severely ill ME/CFS patient I have no safety net at all. There is simply no end to how bad things can get with severe ME/CFS.

Coping skills – important but not enough I realize that when people hear about my decision to terminate my life, they will wonder about my coping skills. I have written about this before and I want to mention the issue here too:

While it was extremely hard at the beginning to accept chronic illness, I have over the years developed a large degree of acceptance and pretty good coping skills. I have learnt to accept tight limits and appreciate small qualities of life. I have learnt to cope with massive amounts of pain and suffering and still find bright spots. With the level of acceptance I have come to now, I would have been content even with relatively small improvements and a very limited life. If, hypothetically, the physical suffering could be taken out of the equation, I would have been able to live contentedly even though my life continued to be restricted to my small apartment and include very little activity. Unlike most people I could find such a tiny life bearable and even happy. But I am not able to cope with these high levels of constant physical suffering.

In short, to sum up my level of acceptance as well as my limit: I can take the prison and the extreme limitations – but I can no longer take the torture. And I cannot live with clothes that constantly trigger my burning skin.

Not alone – and not a rash decision In spite of being unable to see friends or family for more than rare and brief visits, and in spite of having limited capacity for phone conversations, I still have a circle of loved ones. My friends and family all understand my current situation and they accept and support my choice. While they do not want me to leave, they also do not want me to suffer anymore.

This is not a rash decision. It has been processed for many years, in my head, in conversations with family and friends, in discussion with one of my doctors, and a few years ago in the long procedure of requesting accompanied suicide. The clinic in Switzerland requires an extensive process to ensure that the patient is chronically ill, lives with unendurable pain or suffering, and has no realistic hope of relief. They require a number of medical records as well as consultations with specialized doctors.

For me this end is obviously not what I wanted, but it was the best solution to an extremely difficult situation and preferable to even more suffering. It was not hasty choice, but one that matured over a long period of time.

A plea to decision makers – Give ME/CFS patients a future! As you understand, this blog post has taken me many months to put together. It is a long text to read too, I know. But I felt it was important to write it and have it published to explain why I personally had to take this step, and hopefully illuminate why so many ME/CFS patients consider or commit suicide.

And most importantly: to elucidate that this circumstance can be changed! But that will take devoted, resolute, real action from all of those responsible for the state of ME/CFS care, ME/CFS research and dissemination of information about the disease. Sadly, this responsibility has been mishandled for decades. To allow ME/CFS patients some hope on the horizon, key people in all countries must step up and act.

If you are a decision maker, here is what you urgently need to do: You need to bring funding for biomedical ME/CFS research up so it’s on par with comparable diseases (as an example, in the US that would mean $188 million per year). You need to make sure there are dedicated hospital care units for ME/CFS inpatients in every city around the world. You need to establish specialist biomedical care available to all ME/CFS patients; it should be as natural as RA patients having access to a rheumatologist or cancer patients to an oncologist. You need to give ME/CFS patients a future.

Please listen to these words of Jen Brea, which sum up the situation in the US, but are applicable to almost every country:

“The NIH says it won’t fund ME research because no one wants to study it. Yet they reject the applications of the world class scientists who are committed to advancing the field. Meanwhile, HHS has an advisory committee whose sole purpose seems to be making recommendations that are rarely adopted. There are no drugs in the pipeline at the FDA yet the FDA won’t approve the one drug, Ampligen, that can have Lazarus-like effects in some patients. Meanwhile, the CDC continues to educate doctors using information that we (patients) all know is inaccurate or incomplete.”

Like Jen Brea, I want a number of people from these agencies, and equivalent agencies in Sweden and all other countries, to stand up and take responsibility. To say: “ME! I am going to change things because that is my job.”

And lastly Lastly, I would like to end this by linking to this public comment from a US agency meeting (CFSAC). It seems to have been taken off the HHS site, but I found it in the Google Read version of the book “Lighting Up a Hidden World: CFS and ME” by Valerie Free. It includes testimony from two very eloquent ME patients and it says it all. I thank these ME patients for expressing so well what we are experiencing.

My previous blog posts:

From International Traveler to 43 Square Meters: An ME/CFS Story From Sweden

Coping With ME/CFS Will Always Be Hard – But There are Ways of Making It A Little Easier

The Underfinanced ME/CFS Research Field Pt I: The Facts – Plus “What Can We Do?

The Underfinanced ME/CFS Research Field Pt II: Why it Takes 20 Years to Get 1 Year’s Research Done

Take care of each other.

Love, Anne

Comments Open.

[mainsana]

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Musk says he’s put his bid to acquire Twitter on hold as he’s worried about fake accounts.īut he’s said he would reinstate the former President’s account on Twitter, and push the platform’s policy to mirror the laws of the land, which allow even more varied and raw speech than you’ll find on TV or the other big social media platforms. Self-described “free speech absolutist” Elon Musk’s quest to turn Twitter into his vision of a marketplace of ideas – that would also be friendly to misinformation and whatever else people want to say – has hit an ironic snag over all the fake accounts on the platform. Just maybe not under Twitter’s content policy.

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Those authoritarian realities seem a long way from the Wild West of American free speech, where people are protected under the law to criticize and besmirch public figures. In Russia, referring to the country’s invasion of Ukraine as a war is a crime.

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[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Okay, so it’s 1 AM here and I’m listening to this podcast while very wired after spending tonight coaching the start of our new season and it was a big deal and really cool and I’m feeling excited about real life again in a way I haven’t for a while, but also it was quite intense, hence the feeling of being wired and easily excitable. That might be the explanation for why, when I heard the dialogue above, I repeatedly said to my phone, “Hey, that’s what I fucking said! I said that exact thing!” and then had to pause the recording to cut out the clip and show everyone.

I’m listening to Russell Howard’s episode of The Comedian’s Comedian podcast. It’s a very good episode, a lot of really interesting stuff in there, and I’m sure once I finish listening to it tomorrow I’ll have more to say about the actual reasons why it’s interesting, but right now, I just really need to show you all this clip and say that’s what I fucking said! Look, here’s what I wrote a couple of weeks ago after listening to a Daniel Kitson show from 2005:

“I was halfway up a very large hill today and just marveling at how many times I’d laughed at his story about running around Russell Howard’s backyard, from the night before that show. And I know when comedians say “last night” they don’t usually mean “last night”, but I’m pretty sure he did that time. The show was in Cardiff, and he explained that he’d done a gig in Bristol the night before and then stayed with a friend there before taking a train to Cardiff to be at the current show – I’m pretty sure it was a real story. Which means the stuff about running around a yard with Russell after the Bristol show really had taken place the night before, which means he’d written that story in less than a day. And it was as funny as most comedy material I’ve heard. Not just that he got lucky and had a really inherently funny thing happen to him the night before that show – the thing that happened itself was only a bit funny, but Daniel Kitson told it so well that it could pass for something that had been carefully written and worked on for months. And he just threw that out to a crowd in Cardiff one day in 2005, before getting on to his actual show. Daniel Kitson when he’s barely trying is as funny as most people’s final, polished stand-up shows. Kitson can add all the other magic and insight and stuff because the humour’s there to start with. The word “genius” gets thrown around and overused a lot, but Jesus Christ he is good.”

See? I was right. He does take shit that’s happened to him during a tour and turn it into material within a day. It happens that “that’s what I fucking said” works especially well here because I illustrated that point with a story he told about Russell Howard, and I’ve just heard Russell Howard say he has been there when stuff’s happened to Daniel Kitson and seen Kitson turn it into material that was better than the event itself. But it’s not just that one; based on the radio shows and stand-up shows I’ve heard from Daniel Kitson, he does that a lot. Just grabs whatever’s around him and it turns to gold in his hands whether it was that great a story to begin with or not.

I think I’ve also said before that Russell Howard is what you get if you kill some of John Oliver’s brain cells, so technically, the above audio clip is Russell Howard acknowledging that two things I’ve previously said were correct (the bit at the end about working with geniuses while not being a genius). But that’s not very nice of me and Russell’s great on this podcast so I’ll try not to be like that. Everyone has different skills and is a beautiful sunflower in their own way. John Oliver could barely get through a few episodes of Mock the Week without the life in his eyes visibly extinguishing, so Russell’s got him beat on the ability to do that, at least (I mean, whether that’s a good thing or not is up for debate).

[forthelanterns]

Update for Aug 20th

Words committed: 800 Overall words: 2428 Working timeline: Aug 17th, 2022 - Feb 17th, 2023 Projects worked on: Birthday story + the Hades/Persephone thing Reason for stopping: Itis no longer the 20th. XD Things done in writing: Made progress in the birthday story, also went back and cleaned up some of what had been drafted before to make it flow better. Have also started collecting prompts and general inspiration for the new thing and stirred up some of the short stories that live in the back of my head after doing the WIP title game. Things done outside of writing: Got a job! Which is kind of still related to writing since it's a ghostwriting gig but whatever, we're putting it in this section. Favorite bits:

Most of the people you know and love have something that weighs on their minds at night. All of you have found each other in various states of repair, and that's part of what keeps you together. You know strife, yet you also all know that strife is not the only thing out there. You are with each other because you’re all aware that there is a joy to be found, even if it’s not constant. There will always be something better waiting, as long as you can survive the present to get to it and, even when you can’t, sometimes second chances still find you.

Currently reading: I need to pick up Ghost Radio again, but tbh, I've been spending too much time reading WIP intros and stuff, that my brain forgot how to put on an audiobook for a while. Currently listening: And That's Why We Drink podcast Currently watching: Girlfriend playing a Jurrasic Park game on our TV. What's next: I need to sleep at some point. I'm also going to spend tomorrow gathering more prompts and maybe even doing one for each of the three named 'verses that I have going on here. Also, more Birthday Story! I need to have it done and polished before the 30th, so I should really figure out where I'm going with it. A starlit story to show you the way out:

Lonely kittens huddled in the open mouths of alleyways, and the ghosts that haunt the streets as the sun sets. These are the things calling, begging to be noticed, to reach out and touch, or be touched in return. They want, they need, to know you see them, So open your eyes and watch a world you've never quite noticed before. The one you have to squint to really observe and it still flicker fades out of sight as the sun raises its head over the horizon. Remember, the ghosts plead. Please, please just try and |remember that we can still find you

[edamicofmp]

17th February: Soft White Underbelly

"I'm fascinated by humans and human behaviour." - Mark Laita

Photographer and documentarian Mark Laita, based in Los Angeles and a recipient of numerous awards, has a highly regarded YouTube series that documents the lives of people who would otherwise be ignored by the general public, such as the homeless, sex workers, drug addicts, fugitives, and the sick. In a radio interview with the Texas Public Radio, Laita goes into further detail of how he became fascinated with the human condition; when he was a young man living in Chicago, he happened to come across a homeless woman who was chronically addicted to crack cocaine; he decided to speak with this unhoused sex worker, and listened to her harrowing story of how it all began, her childhood, her upbringing, and so forth. After first believing this to be a one-in-a-million encounter, Laita came to realise that there are many individuals like the woman he spoke to as a teenager, which demonstrates how our development has an intrinsic influence on who he will become as an adult.

"I appreciate the realism in life." - Mark Laita

Afterwards, Laita discusses the distinctions between his role as a documentation and his role as a commercial photographer, explaining that he had become dissatisfied with how polished and false working in the marketing industry was. He valued the sincerity of the people he interviewed and recognised their stories not just as those of the marginalised, but also as indications of the depths to which human suffering can descend. His photographs are often hauntingly beautiful, capturing the essence of not only the subjects' life, but human existence itself.

“It’s crazy how you get used to the things you don’t have.”

Norma and Chrissy, a fentanyl-addicted couple, are just one example of the countless people he has spoken with. Both are homeless and reside in Skid-Row, a neighbourhood notorious for its high homeless population, gang activity, and high crime rate. As with all of Mark Laita's interviews, the interview starts with a question about their upbringing. What struck me as unfortunate is that Norma begins the interview by stating her parents raised her well, yet her family is subsequently revealed to have been dysfunctional and afflicted by substance abuse. She began using hard drugs as a teenager. Chrissy, in a similar manner, speaks about her trust in the residents of Skid-Row, yet when Norma talks it is of her negative experiences of being homeless, including how she was recently beaten and robbed by other homeless people. In an interview that feels laden with pain and devastation, we see a beautiful and innately human connection between Norma and Chrissy. They provide comfort to one another, and you cannot help but hope that they will continue to do so in the future. When Chrissy said ‘the things you become used to not having’, It demonstrates the inherent instincts of human beings, as further interpreted by an individual in the Youtube comment section:

“As chronically homeless myself, I've found that it really makes sense why ancient cultures all worshipped the sun. It is such a big part of my life. It wasn't before this. It is my lamp. It is my heater. It is my clock (yes I quickly learned to tell time with it being outside to within a 1/2 hour), etc. Thought I'd share that. Thank you sun, for coming up everyday.”

'Soft White Underbelly' Interview Series Shines a Light on Difficult Realities of the Human Condition. (2021). Texas Public Radio. [Online]. Available at: https://www.tpr.org/podcast/the-source/2021-10-25/soft-white-underbelly-interview-series-shines-a-light-on-difficult-realities-of-the-human-condition [Last accessed: 17 Feb 2022]

Laita, M. (2021). Fentanyl Addicted Couple-Norma and Chrissy. Soft White Underbelly. [Online]. Available at: https://youtu.be/jg-9bVn7V4A [Last accessed: 17 Feb 2022]

[helsikiderven]

13 Behind-the-Scenes Secrets of Professional Window

For over a decade, Prime Window Cleaning has been offering window cleaning services in Manhattan. Our professional window cleaners take a one-of-a-kind approach to each client, ensuring complete satisfaction.

No matter how large a project is, our team of experienced window washers is prepared to go above and beyond to provide the best results possible. We have a team of

specialists ready to take on any project, whether it's a high-rise apartment, a private residence, a townhouse, or an industrial facility.

We understand how important it is to maintain your windows clean in order to feel at ease in your own house. Climbing to new heights, on the other hand, isn't for everyone. We have all of the essential tools to clean windows in Manhattan homes safely.

13 Behind-the-Scenes Secrets of Professional Window Washers To keep the windows clean, polished, and gleaming, a window cleaning service is

required. Window washers play a critical role in cleaning the dirty windows of houses, businesses, stores, and high-rise buildings.

However, we are all aware that the job of a high-rise window cleaner is riskier than most people’s work.

Here are 13 trade secrets from their often-dangerous work.

   1. Their work is affected by the wind.

Window cleaning, like any other job, has its hazards, and wind is at the top of the list. Working on a windy day can be dangerous, especially if the wind speed exceeds 25 mph.

   2.  Outdoor work is something that they enjoy.

They frequently value the ability to work outside rather than in a confined space. They are usually surrounded by serenity and tranquility since they are hung high in the air.

     3.  Their work entails combating fear.

Because window cleaning is one of the most dangerous tasks, fear is an intrinsic element of their job. The cleaners must remain attentive and aware at all times.

  4.  They have witnessed the unimaginable.

Window cleaners are allowed to peer through your windows if you give them permission; otherwise, how will they clean? Some clients, however, overlook this, allowing the cleaners to witness the unfathomable.

   5.  This profession necessitates a high level of expertise.

Window cleaning is a difficult undertaking that necessitates highly competent staff. The work is more of a mix of rock climbing and cleaning windows.

    6.  They take pleasure in the scenery.

Imagine having a 360-degree view of the most breathtaking scenery from the top of a building. This is a pleasure that high-rise window cleaners get to enjoy every time they clean. 

   7.  In this work, fatalities are uncommon.

Even after possible threats, fatalities in the window cleaning industry are uncommon. The rationale for this is utmost vigilance and safety. Their typical day begins with an inspection of the safety equipment to ensure that everything is in working order.

   8.  They are afraid of going up.

You'd think they selected this career because they enjoy heights, but you'd be wrong. Because there are so many things that may go wrong in this business, every day is a perpetual embracing of their worries.

   9.  They listen to podcasts as a distraction

Because cell phones and radios are prohibited, window cleaners instead listen to podcasts, as music can be distracting while working in homes.

   10.  Women in the window world

Despite the fact that the window cleaning profession is dominated by men, many strong women have risen to the top.

    11.  Money is not that great

Many window cleaners are paid between $12 and $16 per hour, although high-rise window cleaners with years of experience might earn up to $35 per hour. Window cleaning business entrepreneurs can make a lot more money than you might expect.

    12.  They despise being referred to as "Window Washer"

They despise being referred to as "window washers." It has a similar sound to the word "dishwasher." If you don't want them to cringe at your words, call them "window cleaners."

    13.  IWCA for the best window cleaner

The International Window Washing Association (IWCA) holds a speed window cleaning competition at its annual convention every year.

[contrabassconversations]

499: Marek Romanowski

Marek Romanowski and I were housemates during the Bradetich Competition back in the fall of 2017.  He and I spent some great nights with our hosts chatting about bass, music, Texas, Poland, and all sorts of other topics.

  Ever since the competition, I have become such a fan of his playing.  Marek won the Sperger Competition in 2016 and was one of the finalists for the Bradetich Competition in 2017.  We also put out an interview and performance excerpt video on YouTube as well as a podcast episode titled Four Bassists that will Change the World.

  We talk about nerves, how to set yourself up for success in a competition, how competitions relate to auditions, what Marek does the day of a big event, his position with the Polish National Radio Symphony Orchestra, and much more!

  Listen to Contrabass Conversations with our free app for iOS, Android, and Kindle!

Contrabass Conversations is sponsored by:

Robertson & Sons Violins

For more than four decades, Robertson & Sons has specialized in providing the highest quality stringed instruments and bows to collectors, professional musicians, music educators, and students of all ages. Their modern facility is equipped with three instrument showrooms as well as a beautiful Recital Hall available to our clients to in their search for the perfect instrument and/or bow.

Upton Bass String Instrument Company

Upton's Karr Model Upton Double Bass represents an evolution of our popular first Karr model, refined and enhanced with further input from Gary Karr. Since its introduction, the Karr Model with its combination of comfort and tone has gained a loyal following with jazz and roots players. The slim, long “Karr neck” has even become a favorite of crossover electric players.

D'Addario Strings

This episode is brought to you by D’Addario Strings! Check out their Zyex strings, which are synthetic core strings that produce an extremely warm, rich sound. Get the sound and feel of gut strings with more evenness, projection and stability than real gut.

  Contrabass Conversations production team:

Jason Heath, host

Michael Cooper and Steve Hinchey, audio editing

Mitch Moehring, audio engineer

Trevor Jones, publication and promotion

Krista Kopper, cataloging and archiving

Subscribe to the podcast to get these interviews delivered to you automatically!

Check out this episode!

[thinkingcraft-dianne]

Literature Reflection (Bridle & AI bias)

I found the podcasts by James Bridle in combination with the literature review on gender, race and power in AI give more in-depth information on topics that I have theoretically (as well as in person) touched the surface on before. Both works illustrate why it is important we mindfully use and design technology.Something that stuck with me is how less visible important institutions have become; my local bank has closed and is now almost fully operating digitally and many municipality cases can I handle online. What does this mean for societies' grip and understanding of them? Visibility and transparency are ground principles for and of our liberal and democratic system, so why not here? Visibility = responsibility: this ranges from the power relations visible in the internet cables that run under the oceans to tech companies making diversity reports publicly available. 

I never realized how John Berger's theories on seeing art can be applied to modern day technology.  Especially the radio analogy I find interesting; the same can be said for social media nowadays, where only a small percentage of its users produces content that is viewed by millions. it is often a one-way conversation which leaves its participants feeling isolated instead of conencted. This has become even more apparent during covid-19, where online friday drinks have not felt the same as in real life. Also, the power of tech companies have increased even more now more and more people are dependent on them. I have a feeling that the increase of living in this digital period will have a huge impact on the mental health of people. On the other hand, the digital realm has democratized information and discussions on this information, as there is a variety of free webinars, festivals and conferences available online, from the comfort of people's homes. This will in the end also democratize new tools and how we perceive the world around us. The way James Bridle described our relation to technology was in line with Donna Haraway's idea about living in the terrestrial. If we would see and care for technology as how we do certain animals, we would be able to re-evaluate what we can get from it. Bridle mentions that artificial intelligence can help us escape the Anthropocene and to reconnect ourselves to nature.  Though he does not mention how. However, I thought of how our living world is progressively supplied with sensors and with the resulting data, and how we can gain insights into the complexity of the interdependencies between living organisms. For instance, sensors and the datafication of forests have laid bare the complex web of communications between trees. When  researching I came across this TED Talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvBlSFVmoaw.

This mention of changing the way we connect to our technologies reminded me of the term automation bias; the urge of humans to favour suggestions from automated systems and to ignore contradictory information made without automation, even if it is correct. Especially in covid times, people have this idea of a 'technofix', which is  based on a combination of trust in technology and limited trust in the ability, and the willingness, of humans to adapt their behaviour. We are looking for the fastest solution which will cause us to make the least amount of sacrifices; technology will fix our problem and we do not have to think about it any longer. A “quick fix” for the corona crisis, in the form of a vaccine, would quickly silence the debate on the structural causes of the pandemic and allow us to revert to our pre-corona practices in a heartbeat. Comparable to the way medication often takes away the necessity of aspiring to a healthier lifestyle. Because of this apparent lack of any human sacrifice, the idea of the techno-fix goes hand in hand with a feeling of guilt, as if, like in the myth of Prometheus, we really don’t deserve to use technology. 

The crisis is slowly taking away our illusion of the tech fix. The essence of these (false) solutions is the illusion they create that we can “save” the climate without having to change our lifestyle. The underlying belief is that we’re not willing to make a sacrifice such as travelling less, for example, or reducing our total energy use. In fact, the main notion seems to be that human beings are not or barely able to adjust their behavior at all without the clear prospect of a reward. It would be interesting to make the climate crisis sensed evenly as immediately as current pandemic. This circles back to the notion that visibility calls for understanding, thus responsibility. As it is talked about in the Bridle podcasts: technological agency and climate change are both visual problems, or rather the lack of visibility. An artwork that succeeds in visually raising awareness for this is terra0, a forest that can autonomously sell its trees and eventually, using the accumulated capital, buy itself and become a self-owned economic unit. For now, it remains an artistic experiment designed to raise awareness, but in theory you could build such a program on the blockchain to make a forest represent itself.

For me, as a woman enrolled in a technologically-focused minor in a class in which the majority of the people identify as male, the text on gender, race and power in AI was really interesting and had contained some familiar frustrations. By connecting the unequal representation of women in the tech industry to and bias systems in AI, the author suggests two versions of the same problem. I find data violence, which enacts forms of administrative power which affects some of us more than others, a relevant modern day problem. In a world in which data and facts reign and where systems are trained upon existing data sets, representation is of uttermost importance. The authors stresses that, because AI systems play a important role in our political institutions (like healthcare), we need to re-asses the relationship between workplace diversity crisis and the problems with bias and discrimination in AI. In a future and ideal world, a supervising board would examine the politics of the design of such a system. It would check how a system was constructed and whose interests shaped the metrics for success or failure. 

Understanding 'bias' in data requires accounting of the social context through which the data was produced: how humans make data in context. It is also interesting to note that companies also use data violence to shape reports on diversity to their wishes. Only accounting the 80% of the full-time workforce is data manipulations with major implications and should in my eyes therefore be considered a crime or at least punished. Again, transparency is the only way for people to know what is going on inside a company and enables the to hold them accountable and to make knowledgeable  (consumer) decisions. To say that women are inherently less confident in their computing skills, is to totally ignore the male-dominated and therefore male-designed social institutions in which many obstacles have to be overcome. This week, I found a poc female on youtube talking about her career in coding and who recommended many resourced while talking about it in a transparent and non-elite way. This made me much more interested in it, and most importantly made me feel as if I could also find my place in male-dominated sectors. Also, talking two girls who participated in a summer residency of V2_Lab for Unstable Media and seeing their work made me feel more comfortable in that area already. Seeing yourself being represented certainly boosts your confidence in your own abilities. As stated in the article, "the inclusion of women becomes the solution for all gender problems, not just those of exclusion or absence. .. their mere presence builds the table they sit at in the first place." The ultimate goal is cognitive diversity, and cognitive diversity is correlated with identity diversity. That means it's not just about women in tech. It is about broad voices, broad representation.  

I have been thinking about my internship lately, which was unpaid and in a male-led studio. I worked really hard and participated in many interesting projects. But by giving me the feeling I should already feel rewarded and appreciated by this mere participation felt empty in the end. I have been thinking about students who might not have done the internship because they could not pay their rent that way and how this influences the diversity within a studio. I believe that if you appreciate an intern, care for quality of work and giving everyone an equal chance to grow as a designer, you would pay them. This would in the end contribute greatly of cognitive diversity in the field of design, which is also has been male-dominated in the recent past.Biological determinism, as mention by the authors, is also something that is interesting during these times inn which the political landscape is under pressure. There is more unrest and focus on the pandemic, both reasons for governments to 'silently' change important laws within a country. Example of this is the current situation in Poland, were abortion rights have been almost entirely taken away from women. Former Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk  also criticised the judgement. "Throwing the topic of abortion and a ruling by a pseudo-court into the middle of a raging pandemic is more than cynical". The coronavirus crisis will be global and long-lasting, economic as well as medical. However, it also offers an opportunity. This could be the first outbreak where gender and sex differences are recorded, and taken into account by researchers and policy makers. Also for too long, politicians have assumed that child care and elderly care can be “soaked up” by private citizens—mostly women—effectively providing a huge subsidy to the paid economy. This pandemic should remind us of the true scale of that distortion and how balancing unpaid work out between all genders can lead to more diversity in fields such as tech and design as well.

[twistednuns]

September 2020

Your fears are ebbing, your confidence is rising, and proof that I exist can now be felt in your touch by loved ones, found in your smile by friends, and seen in your countenance by strangers. Everything, for you, will now begin getting easier, happier, and zippier. / The Universe (from Mike Dooley's Notes from the Universe newsletter, September 3)

Time of the Season

Coming home. Solitude. Lots of Sonnentor Gute Laune tea.

Fixing a toaster. I love how easy it is to disassemble old electronic devices.

Full moon magic. Manifesting. Perhaps the time has come - maybe I'm finally going insane. But I keep receiving these messages (or rather have very strong urges and feelings) at the moment. I felt super out of place, out of touch and out of luck these last few weeks, like something was wrong with me for being different, thinking differently. I just couldn't deal with people's energies anymore (hectic, stressful, close-minded, inflexible, conservative, rule-abiding). But something tells me I'm on the right path when I stick to what is good for me. All signs are pointing the way. I'm so curious for the things to come.

Vivid dreams about family issues, my brother dying in an accident, consoling my mum, browsing through an imaginary grandma's treasures in her attic apartment.

Strictly speaking this is not a thing I love because I hate wearing face masks and I miss wearing lipstick so goddamn much but I have found silk to be the perfect material. Super smooth, soft, breathable and light.

Advancement in my self-love journey. Listening to my body. Trying to give it exactly what it needs. I don't know what happened but there has been such a profound change in the way I treat myself and the worthiness I suddenly feel. I'm much more able to let go of situations and people that are harmful to my mental well-being. I am enough.

Christina's Matcha Mornings podcast. It's so interesting to see the direction she has taken. I met her in Vienna ten years ago after reading her LiveJournal for years. My inspiration.

How to be more alive in the moment.

Random bit of trivia: there is not a single subway station in Munich that includes the letter Ä. I'm a collector of weird facts.

The Vintage Books edition of Patti Smith's Year of the Monkey. I love the grey, cream, the black and white photograph. The rough cut. Also: learning about Miss Christine and Girls Together Outrageously. I ordered a few of Patti's books the other day because I'm quite interested in her art - photography, visual art, poetry.

Making a list of my artistic heroines. So far Patti Smith, Marina Abramovich, Siri Hustvedt, Nina Hagen, Louise Bourgeois and Donna Tartt are on it. And Ramapriya, a former yoga teacher.

Magic Eye holo images. I was obsessed as a child and it's just as fascinating to me again now.

Manifesting male company. The conversations are nice so far, let's see where these lead.

Popping bubble wrap.

Going on a long Sunday walk. Sunshine. Smelling wild roses on the way. Eating a whole wheat croissant in front of the churchyard.

Finding practical solutions. Decluttering.

Ayurvedic rituals.

Drinking coffee in the morning, especially on days I can stay at home. What a productivity high!

Waking up crazy early on a Saturday. Reading my current favourite, a Leigh Bardugo fantasy trilogy. Breakfast with fresh raspberries and coffee from my friend's roastery. With barista soy milk foam. Getting a hot water bottle. Going back to bed, reading some more. My new Saturday routine: cleaning, making crisp bread. Doing the laundry.

Listening to old Radiohead songs. In Rainbows is my favourite album. OK Computer a close second.

A sudden desire to move. Yoga, blackroll, stretching, dancing. So nice. It's quite rare that my body actually wants to be moved and used because usually I have issues with low energy or an aching joint. The other day I took a walk and came across an ad for Kundalini yoga in my neighbourhood. Unfortunately the couple who gave the class have since moved away but Sarah gave me some recommendations for other Kundalini classes nearby. I have to try it!

The beautiful Sunday morning sunset.

An obsession with an O.P.I nail polish with the worst name ever. A very soft, pale pink. Currently I won't accept anything else on my fingernails.

Heighted awareness. A better connection to my needs and desires. Figuring it all out. A miraculous change in my eating behaviour. I just can't seem to overeat anymore.

Sister Shanti.

A warm breakfast. Herbal tea, miso soup with furikake, dashi, roasted sesame and a sheet of nori. Ayurvedic porridge with soy yoghurt, blueberries and my usual mix of nuts, cacao nibs, hemp and flax seeds. Bircher muesli. Coffee with barista style soy milk.

Creativity connected to the moon cycle.

Visiting my mum. Driving out to her workplace for the first time in years. Taking home lots of crystals. Singing along to old songs on the radio. Her outrageously delicious cookies with nuts, chocolate and apricot jam. Talking about the important stuff. Connecting. Spending hours in the woods on a mushroom forage. Having dumplings with creamy mushroom sauce for lunch on Sunday. Getting to now Martin's grandchildren. They took a liking to me. I was their witch and had to come up with new magic spells all the time. I would summon mushrooms (or have them appear on someone's bum) and turn the boys into crocodiles or broccoli.

There's a new Fleet Foxes album!

A very nice and pretty comprehensive autumn movie list. It inspired me to make my own.

to have pull with - Have a means of gaining advantage with, have influence on, as in She had pull with several of the board members. [Colloquial; late 1800s]

Making my favourite vegan Lebkuchen with lots of nuts, dark chocolate and marzipan. They're huge so eating one of them is already very satisfying.

Reconnecting with Christina. Sending each other voice messages on Instagram. Talking about personal growth, our internet presence from ten years ago, her MatchaMornings website and so much more. We might even meet next time she's in Munich!

Stealing a piece of stale bread from Frank's oven. Eating with with a dollop of delicious soured butter.

I kinda like how we're forming a new tradition. Visiting Frank after school, waiting for him to finish work, cooking something, watching a movie or an episode of a TV series (we just got started with the new season of Fargo).

Doing a little research on the lyrics to my favourite Epic Rap Battle of History (Dr. Seuss vs. William Shakespeare). We had suspected that part of it was written in sonnet style but unfortunately we couldn't prove our theory.

Becky giving my compliments for how cute my face looks when I'm wearing my foxy hat. I actually found another hat in the same style online. I'm going to check that website every day from now on because I know that there are hats with robins and squirrels out there and someone will put them up for sale sooner or later.

Walking home from the hairdressers. Quickly avoiding bumping into a long-haired dude walking towards me. He imitated my swift move and smiled at me. I giggled and somehow we had a tiny connection, a fraction of a moment together.