#and all the juicy conflict basically just gets pushed aside

[helpami-flaffy]

Man, i was so hyped for Get in the water and now that it's here and i don't like it because of the story I'm really bummed out.

I always thought:

" Ooooh an impossible challenge, an impossible choice! If Ody doesn't accept death his wife, child and Kingdom will die! How will he get out of this one I wonder? What will it cost him?"

And the answer is just...beating the shit out of Poseidon?

That's so anticlimactic!

It also doesn't solve the fucking problem!!

So now you've beaten the shit out of Poseidon (okay?I guess??)

What's stopping him from going through with his threats and pulling an Atlantis on Ithaca?

Where you even thinking about that Odysseus?

Hello?

And if Poseidon doesn't... like, why not?

He hasn't learned shit from this experience! And him and Ody have not made peace of any kind!

If he wanted he would totally drown all of them! He's an immortal threat!

And if it's revealed that he actually can't drown a fucking island and that's how the conflict resolves, what kind of wet paperbag sort of god is this??

[chaotic-tired-bastard]

Hi !!

I'm such a big fan of your artworks, especially Rozin. (They just mean so much to me, I can't get them out of my mind..) and I would love to ask you this,, What are your thoughts that Rokus' companions in the novel are both Gyatso and Sozin? I would love to see how their characters to be fleshed out and what they were like before especially Sozin. I'm simply so filled with ectasy and excitement for his upcoming book since he's one of my favorites aside from Aang and Kuruk.

Hiiii thank you so much! I’m so glad that you enjoy my art, it always makes me so happy when people tell me that :)

But also I am SO GLAD that you brought this up because there’s so much POTENTIAL THERE. Roku’s gonna be dealing with Sozin, his best friend from childhood, and Gyatso, who is described as a bit of a nuisance but we all know they’re gonna be besties. There’s the potential for an interesting dynamic- Roku's past life as Sozin's BFF competing/conflicting with his new life as the Avatar. There's also Sozin fighting to stay Roku’s friend, his past fighting to stay in the present, and Gyatso being as lovable as he is, the future slowly becoming the present and pushing the past farther back. I foresee some jealousy on Sozin’s side mayhaps, and maybe some frustration on Gyatso’s side because “Why is this Fire Prince being so MEAN TO ME I’m LITERALLY the AVATAR’S BFF!!” I can't get my thoughts in order rn because I have been doing Work and my brain is Dead but I understand and share in your excitement 100% :)

but the idea of jelly Sozin was actually was so juicy that I wrote a lil thing about it I hope you don't mind :)

“And here is your room,” Sozin said with a smile, pushing open the door and revealing the inside with a grand sweep of his arm. “I made sure nobody came in and moved around all of your stuff; the dust on the floor is 100% natural!”

“Wow, thanks,” Roku scoffed, unable to keep a smile off of his own face. “I’m so glad. Thank you, Sozin, I do appreciate the gesture.”

“Right…” Sozin’s smile softened and he peered up at Roku through his eyelashes, his cheeks darkening. He’s always been the shorter one, and he seemed even shorter now that Roku had hit yet another growth spurt. “You know, I really missed you. I’m glad you’re home,” he said quietly, as if he was afraid that someone would overhear.

Roku bowed his head so he could look down at his best friend, a similarly soft smile on his lips. “I missed you too,” he whispered back. “It’s weird not seeing your dumb face every day.”

Sozin turned away, worrying his lower lip between his teeth, his grip tightening on Roku’s door. “Roku, I-”

“Wow, this place is awesome!” Gyatso crowed, narrowly missing bowling Roku over as he basically crashed into his back. “Hey, do I get a room too? Is it near Roku’s? Oooh can it be near that little pond I saw earlier? It’s got these turtle-ducks and-”

Sozin’s eyebrow ticked and he shot Gyatso a look that Roku had dubbed the ‘annoying teacher’ look when they were younger, reserved for prissy professors obsessed with dates. “Yes, I will see to it that you are given appropriate housing,” he forced through gritted teeth, removing his hand from Roku’s door and holding it behind his back. Roku tilted his head minutely, surprised—what had caused his mood to change so drastically?

“Cool!” Gyatso stopped using Roku as a wall and poked his head inside of his room, his eyes wide. “Woah, is this your room, Roku? It’s so fancy!”

Roku sighed, bringing a hand up to rub at his temples. Great Agni, Gyatso, calm down for once in your life. “I’m sorry, Gyatso can be very energetic. You come to love it, though. Now, what were you going to say?” He prompted, returning a smile to his face.

Sozin’s face froze and his shoulders tightened. “I… nevermind. It was stupid. I’m glad you’re back, Roku, and I’ll see you later,” he replied curtly. Then he turned around and walked off, one of his hands curled into a tight fist behind his back as the other gripped his wrist.

[uncleasriel]

via @atamascolily

#thunderbolt fantasy#wuxia fantasy puppet epic#tbf meta#conversations like this are why I love fandom so much#we're all playing in the same sandbox and having a blast trying to figure out what it all means#deep thoughts about puppets

I m SO flattered by your words! I do like to over-analyze media, and seeing someone take my prolix natter and making something robusts from it really makes me smile.

Doomed By The Narrative is the perfect phrase here, since absolutely the case for anyone who is not Lin, Sheng or Lang. Xie, who doesn't choose pride over expediency is ultimately at odds with the narrative itself. We, the audience, are here to see the characters live their ethos to the fullest, and test it - failing to live up to it means "you just won't be that interesting if we keep you around anymore". Characters, for all their likeability, are ingredients and tools the Urobuchi uses to tell the story. If all the juicy bits are used up when a season ends - no point in keeping the empty rinds around, yeah?

The timing of the poems is such a crucial thing here. That distinction - revealing them at the most interesting moment to reveal them - is a nice shift from tradition in away that suits the serial nature of TV quite well. Juan Can Yun's reveal is a key moment for him, and it cements his relationship as the Young Lover over the Young Apprentice, and paved the way for his relationship with Dan Fei to bring them together - the loving but bickering married couple, with Dan Fei as the serious and stern wife, with Juan Can Yun as the amorous, idiot husband. The moment of pursuing the ethos is transformative, turning a punchy shounen lead into a comic relief wife guy - still an archetypal role, but one not limited by strict boundaries.

Lang Wu Yao's growth is especially guaranteed since character design is basically Urbobuchi buttering up his voice actor and the performer of the show's themesong with a super sepcial OC. ;) Snark aside, though, I like that angle of ideological & ethical flexibility- of Lang not being so rigidly defined by his own definitions. By being able to re-interpet his ethos in ways that harmonize with his world rather than conflict against it, Lang is able to achieve character development. I still think he works best as a romantic hero (beautiful, talented, traumatic childhood, being torn between an evil woman and a good one), but one who can leverage his role into being proactive in his life, instead of reactive. $5 says it culiminates in him usurping the throne of Abelizpher through demon law and a refusal to let himself being walked over once he figures his shit out.

As an aside: your discussion in Lang Wu Yao's growth and his views on good & evil, especially through the lens of demons vs humans, tickles me. II find it especially delightful in East Asian media how creatures that are fundamentally devils/demons are shown to be much more human-like than I'm used to in Western fantastic traditions. The cultural Christianity I was steeped in held demons to be a fundamentally different order, incapable of anything like personal relationships and teleologically oriented towards inflicting misery. Seeing a character like Xing Hai be politically loyal to the invading faction that wants to do war, but she personally has no quibbles with individual humans (beyond Lin Xue Ya, but then again, so does everyone) . I rather like how the femme fatale demoness is actually pushed around by both her sister, her sister's awful boyfriend, the Divine Swarm,Lin Xue Ya - and I get the strong impression that she'd much rather be left alone to play with her corpses in peace. In a similar, fanficcy way to my Xie Ying Loa musings, I sometimes wonder if she might defect to humanity if she ever had a good enough motivation to do so. It's a bit of an ask to necessarily have her be morally decent and upstanding and penitent, but having Lang see that humans and demons are similar - and not turn that into an edgy take - could stand much to see someone from the Hell Realms who just can't catch a break and flip off the institutions the come from.

Having gotten my Fanfic impulse out,I think I want to return to Lin Xue Ya and his dangerous level of genre savviness. I think he's something of Urobuchi's author avatar, in a way - he's someone who's frightfully aware of the narratives people tell themselves to get through the world, and using that to play them how he desires. It's very much how an artists work their craft ("All storytellers are liars," as Tanith Lee teaches us). Seeing Lin break the fourth wall IS him screwing with us, as it's Urobuchi doing the same.

I do like that this doesn't make him necessarily infalliable - we've seen him misjudge several people and the kinds of stories they told themselves - and there is a bit of hypocrisy undergirding his conceit that he understands everyone in this show better than they themselves do. I think Lin just might truly be flummoxed and vulnerable to any true soul. Someone who understands their role in the story, and how they fit into it, and openly embraces their desires and misgivings and still does the right thing anyway is just the kind of fool who can overcome someone as cynically conceited as Lin.

You're absolutely correct in your final paragraph, especially: Urbobuchi loves this bonkers little budaixi, and you can tell that he's frolicking as he plays with a centuries-old theatrical convention and gets to play without the same franchise demands that something like Kamen Rider or Fate compels him to uphold. it's Urobuchi's world, and everyone - audience, characters, and production staff - are along for the ride. And I for one couldn't be happier

Some Thoughts on Power Levels in Thunderbolt Fantasy

@jafndaegur got me thinking about this, so strap in because this is a long one!

tl;dr: Narrative casuality is linear for characters and the audience, and non-linear for writers and analysts; power levels in Thunderbolt Fantasy are a perfect illustration of this, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Fight scenes are a major component of Thunderbolt Fantasy, but who wins and who loses is determined less by the absolute power levels of the respective parties, but by the needs of the narrative. There's a tendency to think of it as the other way around because that's how it initially appears to us as viewers--we see the outcome and think one caused the other. However, this is an illusion caused by the way we experience media. From a structural and compositional standpoint, the reverse is true--the story dictates the outcome, not the other way around.

For an example, let's look at Lian Qi's ill-fated fight against Sha Wu Sheng in Season 1. On the surface, it looks like Wu Sheng is considerably stronger, since he was able to kill Lian Qi in one blow. However, consider that Lian Qi's death is required for the story to work--if he survived and Wu Sheng didn't, it would be a different story entirely! This isn't what is usually meant by the phrase "doomed by the narrative," but in this case, it's an accurate description of the situation--there is no power level Lian Qi could possibly possess that would save him from Wu Sheng, since Wu Sheng's presence is required for the story as it stands to work.

Lian Qi's narrative role is to serve as a sacrificial lamb for Wu Sheng--that's his one (1) job and he's very good at it. We know that Wu Sheng is powerful, because he was able to effortlessly destroy a man of considerable skill and power whom Lin Xue Ya had just spoken highly of in the preceding scene. Saying that this means that Wu Sheng is thus a stronger fighter may be true, but it's not particularly interesting as an isolated factoid; what matters is what the fight reveals about the characters (that Wu Sheng is ruthless and determined) and how it advances and serves the story (gets him the Soul Echo Flute and a chance to reunite with Lin Xue Ya).

In other words, strength/power is correlated with victory, but correlation is not causation, even though we tend to interpret it as such because we experience narratives linearly, where cause comes before effect.

The other important thing to consider is that characters in Thunderbolt Fantasy are not simply discrete individuals--they also represent specific moral or philosophical positions. When they clash, the "strength" of the character has as much to do with the strength of this position as it does their physical prowess. This is true for most if not all of Gen Urobuchi's works, but it's more explicitly textual in Thunderbolt Fantasy, because in-universe, the character's "sword" is viewed as an extension of the self; it is primarily through conflict that this self becomes fully revealed.

Perhaps the best example of this is Lin Xue Ya's fight with Mie Tian Hai, in which the latter is fighting to preserve his philosophy that strength through the sword can only be attained a certain way. His physical defeat and the shattering of that worldview occur simultaneously; furthermore, his identity is so wrapped up in this particular point that he immediately kills himself in response.

[As an aside: Mie Tian Hai's suicide out of spite is foreshadowed by Can Xiong doing the same thing in the first episode when Shang Bu Huan defeats him. Can Xiong is not merely a loyal subordinate; he is enacting the teachings embodied by his master. Say whatever else you will about Mie Tian Hai, at least he isn't a hypocrite--he practices exactly what he preaches. There's a reason I refer to the Xuan Gui Zong as a "death cult"!!]

Taken together, these two factors--narrative purpose and philosophical position--provide a useful framework to make sense of conflict, and thus power levels, in Thunderbolt Fantasy. Here are a few examples:

-Shang Bu Huan vs. Lang Wu Yao in Bewitching Melody of the West -- Shang is older and more experienced than Lang in many respects, so it makes sense that he would win out here. However, what settles his victory isn't his physical skill, it's his moral clarity and sense of purpose; he knows who he is and that his cause is righteous.

Meanwhile, Lang is powerful, with martial arts from his unique upbringing combined with the magic of his innate heritage, but he is also confused and morally compromised through his allegiance to the corrupt Xi You imperial court, which ultimately gives Shang the upper hand. Note that this fight ends when Shang directly calls out Lang's ideas of good and evil, and Lang loses the will to continue; his doubts and uncertainty make it impossible for him to win. The climax of the movie is Lang coming to an emotional realization and gaining a corresponding power-up/magical boy transformation to go with it. Changing his philosophy increased his strength, not the other way around!

As Season 2 demonstrates, Lang's narrow-minded focus on good and evil have not changed by the end of Bewitching Melody, he's just altered the definitions so that Shang is now one of the good guys, and taken agency over his decisions instead of being a mindless tool for anyone else. This rigidness will continue to hold him back until he adopts a broader and more mature philosophy. This is especially important, because the Huo Shi Ming Huang fight in S3 demonstrates vividly that Lang's powers are fueled by his emotions; when unchanneled, he is capable of incredible destruction. (There's so much about that scene that is wonderful from an analytical standpoint, but my favorite part is Ling Ya muttering, "Oh, buddy, no" [paraphrase] right before all hell breaks loose; Ling Ya, as Lang's self-appointed mouthpiece, knows what's up.)

-Speaking of Huo Shi Ming Huang, the flashback in S3x06 is one of the few times we've ever seen Shang on the back foot. Not coincidentally, this fight is also characterized by Shang's hesitation and doubts as to the best course of action, which create a cascade of consequences leading to a Bad Ending of Mu Tian Ming's blindness and Shang's subsequent departure from Xi You. I've written elsewhere about how this outcome is also narratively determined in advance by the events of Season 1, which were written first even though they occur later in-universe, to the point where there's an entire mini-arc devoted to showing just how necessary this particular loss was; for better or worse, the entire story of Thunderbolt Fantasy rests on it.

-Xie Ying Luo vs. Shang Bu Huan in S2x09, "The Path of the Strong" - Up to this point, Xie Ying Luo's fighting style has been the opposite of the standard wuxia code of honor--she uses illusions and poisons and takes hostages rather than fight one-on-one. As Lin Xue Ya wryly points out in 2x04, this is the best way of dealing with a powerhouse like Shang Bu Huan (he even says it would be how he'd take Shang down!!!) but it's strongly implied that Xie Ying Luo relies on these methods because she doubts her own strength. [How much of this is due to misogyny is unclear, but there's no question it's a factor; Ba Wang Yu's character in S4 suggests she has taken the opposite approach to the same systemic forces with her emphasis on physical strength.] Xie's arc is characterized by her uncertainty and doubts, which send her on an increasing downward spiral (exposure to Di Kong's nihilism does not help!); even wielding Seven Blasphemous Deaths isn't enough to overcome it. However, after freeing herself from the demonic sword's thrall, Xie Ying Luo makes the unexpected decision to fight Shang one on one with her sword, something she has spent the entire show up to this point avoiding.

This makes no goddamn sense from a tactical perspective, but it's not about tactics or even victory. On a practical level, Xie Ying Luo is saving face--she knows she can't win, but if Shang defeats her and takes Seven Blasphemous Deaths, she can at least say that she didn't completely abandon her duties. She may have lost the fight, but she retains her honor, even if it means she can never return to Huo Shi Ming Huang's service.

Shang recognizes this, which is why he is so gracious to her after her defeat--he respects the courage it took to show up in the first place, and encourages her to redefine what it means to be strong in the first place. Again, we return to the idea that true strength isn't physical prowess, but moral clarity and certainty, which Shang possesses in abundance--and is also willing to pass along to others. Season 2 goes to a lot of effort to demonstrate Shang's mercy and compassion are strengths, not weaknesses, and this scene is further evidence of this.

Shang also believes that fate is not fixed and that people are capable of growing and changing if they choose to do so, which again gives him power over those like Sha Wu Sheng and Lou Zhen Jie, who believe themselves to be instruments of inevitability. (This is also what makes Shang Bu Huan endlessly surprising and therefore interesting and entertaining to Lin Xue Ya, but that's a whole 'nother story.) Unfortunately, Xie Ying Luo is tragically murdered by the very weapon she gave up (and by a man she trusted!!) and never gets to fully realize this, but she tries, damn it, even if it wasn't enough to save her in the end. This is one reason why Lang Wu Yao buries her even though they were enemies, because on some level he recognizes and honors that attempt, despite the fact he wasn't there to witness exactly what transpired.

I should also point out that while moral strength is a source of power, it's not the be-all, end-all--one reason why Lou Zhen Jie is so terrifying is because he no longer doubts. His logic and reasoning might be unsound, but he is so single-mindedly focused on his goal that he can plow through any obstacle single-handedly (pun intended). This is also what makes him such a great foil to Shang Bu Huan on multiple levels; Lou Zhen Jie is what would happen if Shang were evil/misguided/less ethical than he actually was. This is why Shang fighting alone can match Lou Zhen Jie but cannot win without something else to tip the scales.

Here's a fight that's interesting precisely because it didn't happen: Lin Xue Ya vs. Sha Wu Sheng. One reason why Lin Xue Ya refuses to fight Sha Wu Sheng at any point in Season 1 is that it would require Lin to reveal himself openly and intimately in a way he has no desire to do. Furthermore, it would also clash with the needs of the story, i.e., the big reveal of Lin's abilities in the final episode. Lin is so confident in his own abilities that he has no need to "prove" himself by fighting; just as his narrative foil Shang has no need to "prove" his own strength by picking stupid fights and does everything he can to avoid them. The primary difference between the two is that Lin spares his enemies so he can savor their suffering, while Shang spares his enemies so they can do better in the future.

This is why Shang repeatedly and emphatically insists that he and Lin have nothing in common--he sees the commonalities but the differences repel him even more because of it. Note that Shang indirectly critiques Lin's approach when he tells Xie Ying Luo that a truly strong person can spare someone's life and not have them come after him in revenge.... in essence, arguing that Lin's whole approach is fundamentally misguided. (This is also the second time he's done this in conversation with Xie Ying Luo; the first time was in 2x01 when he unfavorably compared her technique to Lin's. For someone who claims to want nothing to do with this guy, he sure thinks about him a lot!) Shang also has no intention of killing Lou Zhen Jie in the climax of S2; all he wants is to take Seven Blasphemous Deaths away from him.

[This leads to fascinating questions like "How will Shang deal with Huo Shi Ming Huang?" and "Can the guy who believes in the supremacy of fate and seeks to become Fate itself ever break free of it?" which I think we'll see in the final movie, so TBD.]

I'll also note that there is a tendency in modern storytelling to have power as the limiting factor for characters, whereas myths and epics give their characters free reign to do whatever they want, and as a story about archetypal characters with superhuman abilities, I think Thunderbolt Fantasy leans more towards the latter in many respects. Characters have exactly enough power to do what narratively needs to get done, no more and no less, so in that sense, it's a very efficient system.

I'll stop here because this is very long and rambling and I think I've demonstrated my point: for something so seemingly obvious and matter of fact, "strength" and "power" in Thunderbolt Fantasy, let alone comparing that of one character to another, is far more challenging than it appears on the surface, and contingent upon both the character's moral stance and the larger narrative of which they are a part. It's both deeper and far more interesting than "Character X is stronger than Character Y" (even if character X is stronger than character Y!).

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

Just thinking again about how Duggan’s Marauders was almost completely devoid of inner team conflict.  Sebastian’s plotting doesn’t count, he was obviously set up to be an antagonist in the beginning,  But you’ve got a team here of Kate, Emma, Storm, Iceman, Bishop, and odd man out Pyro (and Calisto, I guess, she’s practically a main cast member) and somehow everyone gets along just swimmingly. 

The only real conflict I can think of is Storm angrily confronting Emma after Kate is killed, blaming Emma for what happened.  That’s a great scene for sure, but it basically ends in them hugging it out.

Storm, Iceman and Kate are arguably friends.  I think Bishop is on friendly terms with everyone, despite his little villain turn a few years ago.  Emma has been an X-Man forever and seems to have buried the hatchet with most people.

But hey, there’s bad boy semi-reformed villain Pyro, right?  He’ll stir things up!

Except, he doesn’t.  Pyro doesn’t rebel against Kate’s orders, doesn’t cross the line in battle, doesn’t even really clash with anyone on the team.  At most, he seems to occasionally irritate Storm (although he also seems to be in awe of her), and at one point has a minor confrontation with Bishop that amounts to nothing.  Otherwise, he fits in just great and is a surprisingly good team player.

Bishop has divided loyalties throughout the book, although that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  As a Captain of Krakoa, he has his own agenda to pursue, and can’t always necessarily go along with the Marauders’ plans.  This seems like it would be a great opportunity for conflict, especially the type of juicy conflict where no one is completely wrong or right. 

But it doesn’t.  There are a couple of scenes where Bishop does his own thing (like confronting the Verendi brats), but nothing comes of it.  In King in Black, we see Bishop deeply conflicted, because he has been given orders from Beast to kill the symbiote-infected Cyclops and Storm, while the rest of the team plans to rescue them.  That seemed like a set-up for some great moments later on, Bishop struggling to find the right thing to do, knowing his team will probably not understand if he follows through on the orders.  But it again, it comes to nothing.  Pyro calls Bishop out on his constant communication with Beast and clearly suspects that Bishop has a different agenda than the rest of the team (this is the minor confrontation I mentioned above), but there is no follow-up.  The next time Pyro and Bishop interact, they seem to be getting along just fine.  Bishop is never put into a situation in King in Black where he has to make that difficult moral choice.  The very next King in Black issue that Bishop appears in, Savage Avengers, also written by Duggan, throws aside this conflict to focus on Bishop getting punked by Deadpool, and Iceman getting angry, to set up for his big moment against the symbiote later.  And Pyro has been replaced by Callisto, to conveniently drop any conflict between him and Bishop.  That next issue is all just set-up for Bobby to have his big badass moment, which is fine, but.....Bobby’s main “storyline” in Marauders, aside from a barely developed relationship with Christian, is “I’m a badass now!” and he gets several moments like that.  I would have rather continued the focus on Bishop instead of dropping it like a hot rock.

There are events in Marauders that I would expect to lead to conflict.  In particular, Emma and Kate seem to be playing their own game, clashing with Sebastian Shaw, and the rest of the team (except Storm, later on) know nothing about it.  Even Bishop, Captain of Krakoa, doesn’t get to know about Sebastian killing Kate or Kate and Emma’s revenge, Storm just tells him that it’s being taken care of, and he accepts that.  Bobby, Kate’s supposed good friend, doesn’t get to know.  Basically, there are secrets kept by Emma, especially, and no one ever pushes to know more or calls her out.  Later on, the whole team gets ejected into space because Emma stole a UFO from an alien that is now pissed at her.  They all work together to survive and everything is solved, but again, no anger from the team over “I almost got killed over a conflict that I didn’t know anything about.”  Nothing.

It’s not that I want the whole team to be at each other’s throats all the time, but it seems like a lot of potential avenues for conflict are either quickly shut down or ignored.  Seeing more tension would have actually made the team feel a little more real, like an actual team of individual characters, and give the non-Kate and Emma team members a bit more sense of agency in the book.

[myonmukyuu]

hot milk tea, thoughts and feelings

I’ve only mentioned it briefly, but I’ve said that I’ll be taking a break from my SetsuAyu series - mainly because of my uni workload though.

But for now, I have a lot of thoughts about the entire thing as a project as well as myself as an artist. So I figured that I’d write a reflection of sorts (warning: it gets kind of personal).

Can you believe it’s been 3-4 months since the series started? I can’t, and I’ve been the one drawing all of these!! If you’ve been reading my work, I’ll say it over and over but I really appreciate it!!! Like I’m dead serious!!! Completely!! Utterly!! Without a doubt!!! I love all of you!!!

When I posted that first comic, I didn’t think it’d get the positive reception that it did get. Like, I’ve been producing basically entirely Muse content for years and suddenly decided to tap into Nijigaku? You could argue that it didn’t get that much attention, but either way, the attention it did get surprised me. I was so happy that people were engaged (and it still makes me stupidly happy, like on a level where I’m almost embarrassed to admit HAHA)

Recently I’ve just uploaded the bonus for the 3rd update which wraps up that part, and it really just clicked - that I really have invested soooo much time into this series. 36 pages now! And we’re only 3/10 main updates in!! I have so much passion for this - like a fire that can’t be put out. Every single update has something that I want to communicate/show so I always feel fired up. Heck, if you’ve spoken to me during the process you’d catch me always saying “I’m excited for the next one!!!” while working on it LMAO. It’s been my longest string of non-stop work. Usually I feel burned out more quickly but I was always so excited that I couldn’t stop! You’d find that I’m usually in a  state of conflict bc I alwaaaays want to talk about it but at the same time I don’t want to spoil anything. (THE NEXT UPDATE JUICY)

I think it’s a clear reminder of why I draw actually. The answer between each artist always differs, but I think it’s something important to be aware of. And well, for me? I’ve realised I’m a passion-monster. Passion keeps my blood pumping 100%. As a result... you could say I might be a more selfish kind of artist. Maybe it’s burn-out from running all those ask-blogs/RP when I was like 13-16, but I’ve realised that I’m having the most fun drawing what I genuinely love. It’s kind of why you’d rarely see me do requests and why I no longer do commissions. That isn’t to say that I hate drawing for other people. It can be fulfilling! But it’s more like - I barely have the time to draw for myself, so drawing for others is kind of a lower priority in general. It’s also why I’ve decided against studying graphic design when I graduated highschool. It’s just not happening as a career.

When I ask myself, “what kind of artist do I want to be?” I always think “Somebody who marches to her own beat and works hard to make content that she loves.” It’s also why I never delete anything - even my oldest art that makes me cringe. Because the me from 5 years ago put her love into that too. It’s really cheesy sounding but that’s how I see it LMFAO. I couldn’t do that to her. And also, just because I don’t like something anymore, it doesn’t mean that no one else does. So I’ll continue to never delete my old work. As a bonus, we get to see how far I’ve come too~.

I feel a little vulnerable admitting something like this and I’m pretty sure I’ve only told like 4 humans, but I think my #1 goal as an artist is that I want people to be able to look at my work (that I actually put my heart into) and think “this person loves this” or “this person works hard”. If you can do that, and sincerely feel the feelings I put into my comic, then I’ve already reached my goal. Can people tell how much I love these characters? The series? The concept? Can people tell how much work I’ve been putting into these updates? Can people tell when I’m having fun? It’s something I think about a lot. The idea of that people might think so makes me tear up HAHA - I get really sappy thinking about these kinds of things. And well, if people can’t tell then I’m not working hard enough!

That isn’t to say that I’m always putting my life-blood into everything I make. I’m mainly referring to the stuff where I do. I think it’s pretty clear when I’m pumping a lot of love into something. In general though, there’s always an intention for me to like communicate some idea or feeling and doing something like that requires maybe a bit of love~.

I feel like that as a character, Setsuna really resonates with me a lot. In personality? Not at all LMFAOOOO (she’s such a nice girl!!). More because of her ideals and principles. After typing like everything that I did up until this point, I bet you can guess why. I’ll keep it short and simple though, since this post is getting stupidly long.

Basically, I really resonate with her drive and passion as both an artist, and just in general actually? I’m a believer in that if you’re passionate about something, you can spread that passion. That’s the mentality I have with my art. If my love shows, then maybe other people will understand why I’ve come to love something. And maybe they’ll come to love it too. If I’m having fun, maybe they will have fun too! Very cheesy, I know, but that’s just how I roll!!!

Like rare pair? New fandom? Still applies. It might take awhile, but eventually either the people who love that thing will find me, or I’ll help people come to love something new (or at least see where it’s coming from lolol)! 

And as Setsu says:

You tell ‘em girl !!! That devotion is my driving force!!

Of course I know this is idealistic, but I think that’s fine. It’s no bother to me if someone feels indifferent/ negative towards my work because that’s just natural.

I think it’s a form of communication and that’s what drives my art. I’ve been intending on writing a guide/ or talking about my art process for comics for some time now and I think that’d be the first thing I’d mention? I’m always trying to communicate some sort of feeling/tone/idea and that comes from a place of love y’know.

I feel like I’m saying “love” and “passion” a lot - you can really tell I’m vibing with Setsuna huh LMAO. There are other reasons I vibe with her too, but I won’t touch on that.

Coming back to my SetsuAyu series. You can tell why I’m so happy about it right? The story, the pairing dynamic, I feel like that people are understanding what I’m trying to communicate - that people are receiving my feelings of love for it and that makes me smile so widely. I really put a lot into it!!

This series is the first large project I’ve ever taken you see and I’m so so happy that I’ve been able to get this far! It really means a lot to me. But it wasn’t actually the first comic series I’ve tried to do. I actually had a Muse long-running comic planned years ago - a Dancing Stars on Me! AU but it never came to life. I think it was my lack of confidence that held me back. It might be weird of me to pat myself on the back, but I’m proud that I managed to get going this time!! I’ve actually written the SetsuAyu series in a way that for the first half, I could drop the series if I really wanted to at any point (each part is pretty independent, and that description I always copy-and-paste is all the explanation you really need), but now I know for sure that I don’t want to drop it! I wanna keep going!! Even if it gets tough. Although it might be a little early for me to make such bold declarations, I’m only 3/10 through LOOOL. But that’s just the way I feel right now!

I know it’s irrational and it’s something I’d rather not admit, but an anxiety that’s always looming over me is the idea that I’m not working hard enough - or that people think I’m not? Each comic update...takes like a month right? And a month is a long time. There’s this part of me that is convinced that people think I’m lazy for working so slowly. And I know it’s not true!! It doesn’t make sense for it to be!!! But like I said it’s irrational.

I’m really proud of this comic y’know. It’s a really big commitment and I’m proud of myself for being able to commit. I work full time 9-5, and I also am in my final year at university. I’m... kind of busy lol. So the huge factor in that month-long update turnaround is just that I don’t have the time to always be drawing. But I try to draw as much as I can! If you have me on discord you might notice me work on it for like 2-5 hours, almost daily before I go to bed (1am). Of course I’m not only drawing, but after I get everything plotted out sometimes that’s all I do. This comic is super time-consuming LMAO - and I try my best to work on it a little at a time.

So yeah, the entire month of comic-production is me drawing every almost every night.

Yeah it, - it’s kind of exhausting. Even though I’m itching to work on my next update, I’ve decided to take a break for uni crunch which is why I say the next one might be two months. It’s really odd though. The other night I was in bed feeling restless. It was so weird not drawing till 1am that I felt like I needed to be doing something. This comic series might have weird effects on my habits...

It makes me anxious thinking that it’d be so long till next update. But I’ll do my best to push that aside ! Hopefully I can get uni done and dusted ASAP! I want them to date dammit...

I've decided that I want to see this series through to the end. It’ll probably be May next year when that happens though LMAO! Please bear with my slow turnaround time. It’s only been 3 updates, but I can already see that I’m improving with each one. With each update I feel like I really learn from the previous and I always feel this sense of excitement with trying out new techniques and trying to create different feelings. I really want to see how the last updates will look compared to the first!  Technically we’re 3/10 (10 is an epilogue), but after 6 I actually stop doing bonuses? So teeechnically I’m like 40% of the way through~.

It might be a little over-ambitious, but I kind of want to print it out and make a hard-copy when I’m done. I’m not sure about what the demand would be if I were to sell it, but I definitely want to print it for myself first and foremost (after touching up the earlier updates of course LOL). It’d be like a physical representation of my achievement. I hope I can make it there.

Anyways, I’ve rambled for far too long. I’m not sure why I suddenly felt like talking about uh, everything but yeaaaah. If you’ve read this far, kudos to you! You now have a window into my soul that I’m still not sure if I’m comfortable with revealing (but I’m comfortable enough because I’m posting this so...)! 

After reading all of this, can you tell why I always get so so happy after each update? It’s the fruition of what’s usually 2-3 weeks of non-stop hard work! Seeing people connect with it always sends me to another realm of bliss and I always feel soft like putty LOL.

[danwhobrowses]

One Piece Chapter 990 - Initial Thoughts

Well, okay then!

The new chapter FINALLY gets translated so I get check it out, both sides are teasing, pleasing and treasoning Something big is bound to happen in 10 chapters time though, OP1K is closing in on us quick and fast. Spoilers for Chapter 990, Support the Official Release

YES POUND, the receipts are enough to bring him on the ship, the family is complete!

Sasaki’s loose though, mainly thanks to BM’s Delphinium, it’s interesting though, their friendship seemed legit so this cuts deep for Sasaki - he’s not bothered about the Wano stuff as a whole, he just wants payback for himself

Thankfully, the Su Long Minks are able to kick most of the Ass, only Jack is really holding them off thanks to his durability as the Scabbards and Kaido still stare each other down (bit of an odd tactic, especially since Su Long has a time limit until death)

The Teases though! Inu and Neko stop Kin’emon from attacking, in shadowed out Su Long forms, so they could have the honors of taking on Jack

King just echoes my concern about Queen screwing up so much, but interestingly Queen doesn’t think that Babanuki was swayed, Tama’s DF still allows a wildcard to come into play

King though is rallying the Flying Six, meaning this will be some of the bigger fights

I TOLD YOU HAWKINS WAS ALIVE! Though shame he’s not the guy with Law, his buddy though Drake is there with him and there is a note that Hawkins could easily bounce since he doesn’t want to be here.

Here’s the interesting part though, 1% - that’s the probability of ‘that man’ being alive by the morning. But who is that man? Drake could easily think it’s Luffy (or ‘Stealth Black’) but what if it’s not, what if it’s Kaido? or Jack, or Queen or King? Maybe the 1% is Luffy but that’s his chance of Dying? The odds are nondescript, but Hawkins should know how Luffy’s avoided death, even in Marineford his cards would not be certain of Luffy’s death after all

Also gotta talk about that BIG ASS HELMET behind Hawkins, first the sword now this helmet, was there some Ancient Giant Shogun or something?

Back with the enjoyable Ulti/Pay-Pay stuff though, I really hope we see them again. But seems that the Yamato bounty has been called off for them and all focus is on the raiders. 

Pay-Pay just give her the damn Piggyback ride!

Who’s Who is making his moves though, asking Drake to take down his primary target: Queen. Hawkins looks at his cards though, did his predictions change?

The Oniwabanshu do provide a proper challenge for the samurai prisoners and yakuza but old Mega Forehead leaves the battlefield, and it is noticed

Good on the raiders to at least try and pave the way for Luffy against a Number, but Zoro and Jimbei are quick clean up crews

Thriller Bark mentions again, I feel like Moria is still set to show because of this

Zoro being a bit bloodied seems a bit worrisome, given how the rest are unharmed, including Sanji who was drilled into a building by King

LUFFYWHYAREYOUINGEARFOURTHYOUSAIDTOCONSERVEENERGYNOTWEAROUTYOURHAKIFORANOTHERTENMINUTES!

I had to look at Myo-o (Fudo Myoo) for a reference and...I kinda see it? I guess Hyou isn’t used to this much Haki coating and steam emanating from the body

Alas the twist belongs with Drake, Who’s Who led him straight to Queen because they knew he was a traitor

I’m conflicted by Hawkins as well on this, it seems he’s testified information that points to Drake being the one that freed Law - and he would be sore about that given how he got cut up - but surely this’d also be an out for him? Maybe he’s playing a longer game, making sure he knows what Drake’s plans are before joining in on them?

I still don’t think it was Drake though, the guy was wearing a kimono and the wooden sandals wasn’t he? Sure it could be a disguise but why hide that from us after we knew he was in SWORD?

X Calibur, yes. Just, yes. I was hoping he’d have an attack like that. Though it is a shame that Luffy couldn’t take out 2 Numbers alone

Drake sees his opening though, another unlikely ally declaring themselves! This one though thanks in part to Coby, who’s pro-Luffy dialogue convinced Drake to make a gamble on it.

‘Pirate Alliances and Betrayal go and in hand’ was the theme that carried over into Wano as we (still) fear the stability of Law and Kid’s working with Luffy, as well as whether the Straw Hats will be forced to sacrifice the samurai to defeat Kaido. But right not the treachery is unravelling for Kaido’s forces with Drake. It’s interesting that Drake thought he could escape Wano but decided to stick to the mission, Hawkins as glad as I am that he’s alive does make me concerned, is it just bitterness or observation. I hope the latter partly because of my 5 Captains theory. The pace of the story is jam packed because this whole chapter is just moments after the last, the battle is still in its infancy as Inu and Neko have just turned Su Long - and they refuse to show us STILL! No Carrot this chapter but the focus has mainly been away from the crew as a group aside from Zoro and Luffy, looking more at the enemy side as we prepare truly for the tower climb, the Flying Six will have to fight the rest of the crew if they are to push their way up to Kaido, who’s basically just chilling, but Jack’s about to be wiped out so if Oda does show it that may be a little cathartic Painfully, another week break, it was only 2 weeks since our last one D: Oda I know you’re giving space for the Volume Release as we feast on the juicy SBS content and whatever Sanada says, but the 1000th Chapter is so in sight it hurts to delay!

[ladyreapermc]

Fic: Catching Feelings 9/10 (Keanu x OFC)

Summary: AU in which Keanu is down on his luck after he comes to Hollywood trying to be an actor. To earn some money, he joins this app for escorts and meets Steph, a rising star who hires him to try to forget her ex. Neither of them is expecting to fall in love and all the problems it brings. Previous chapters:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Author’s Notes: This might be my favorite chapter so far. I’m very proud of how it turned out. Just to be safe, keep your tissues close.

Wordcount: 3377

Warnings: angst and mentions of alcohol 

“So, I heard back from the producers,” Jean started tone just a little hesitant and Steph got up from her seat, rolling her eyes.

She already knew what the next words would be. He had been her agent and publicist for a few months and she learned to recognize when he was about to break the news of another no.

“They said you great but…”

“Not what they’re looking for?” she completed with a bitter snort and Jean nodded, grimacing. “In other words, you’re radioactive and we want nothing to do with you. I don’t know why I even bother anymore.”

“Steph…” he started with that unsufferable sympathetic tone and she could feel his gaze on her as she paced in his office. “We gonna get through this. You just need…”

“To be patient and persevere,” she cut him off, repeating the words she had been hearing for the past six months. Even since her career imploded with the whole Keanu fiasco.

For weeks her face had been plastered in every trashy magazine that existed, her name associated with a sex scandal. Because she dared to fall in love with a man that happened to be an escort.

The first blow she suffered was the call from Judy, the woman had been with Steph since the beginning of her career. She ranted at Steph for being stupid enough to put herself in that position and offered a solution that was basically throwing Keanu under the bus. Tell the press that she had no idea he was an escort. Steph wouldn’t do it. This was her mess, not his.

Judy quitted after that, leaving Steph without an agent or publicist to help her navigate through this mess. Fortunately, Jean had been a lifesaver and took Steph under his wing, working out all the necessary statements and helping her dodge most of the press.

The second blow came on Monday when Fincher was waiting for Steph at the set with an added scene on his script. They were killing off her character. To keep the integrity of the work, he said. It made more sense…

Even he didn’t believe his own words and Steph just wanted to scream and hit someone. This had been a dream project for her, and they were casting her aside like she was nothing. And even though it cost her a hefty penalty for contract breach, Steph never regretted walking out of the set and refusing to shoot the metaphorical death of her career.

Instead, she flew back home and discovered it was true what they said: you only knew your real friends when shit hit the fan. Ad companies ended contracts with her; production companies that had offered her parts in upcoming movies pulled back their offers; people she had worked before, that knew her, and that Steph always considered close friends, and cut off communication with her. Only a handful remained in the end, among them Vincent, Jean, and Gwen. Everyone else bailed and Steph couldn’t believe how naïve she was to believe that they were her friends.

“Maybe it’s time I face the truth, Jean,” she sighed, looking out the window in his office. In the distance, she could see the Hollywood sign in the Hills she called home. “If I can’t even get a secondary character in a cheesy rom-com, my career is over.”

“No!” he protested, getting up to stand beside her. “You made only one mistake in this whole thing,” Jean said, laying his hands on her arms, making Steph look at him. “You pushed away the man you love. Everything else? That’s judgmental bullshit from a hypocritical business and I’m not gonna let them punish you for falling in love.”

There was determination in his handsome face. His eyes shone with it as he let go of Steph and moved back to his desk, shifting things around until he came up with a stack of papers and handed it Steph. It was a script and she recognized the writer and director’s name: Katheryn Gerwig.

“They sent it in for another actress I’m representing,” he explained. “It’s an independent movie, very low budget, unlike anything you’ve ever done, but it is the main character and Gerwig is a genius.”

“What about your other client?” Steph asked, looking back to Jean.

“I’ll just make sure she had a schedule conflict,” he assured with a wink, making Steph smile thankfully, before pulling him into a hug. “You might want to give up on yourself, darling, but I’m not there yet. So, read it and if you like it, I’ll set up a meeting with Gerwig.”

---

Steph changed positions on her chair for the sixth time in the last five minutes, her fingers restlessly rearranging every single item there was in the table, trying to work out the energy thrumming through her.

She hadn’t felt this nervous since her first audition ten years ago, coming back to acting after dropping out at age 13. At least back then the only reputation she had was of child starlet that gave up the spotlight for a normal teenager life. Now, even months later, she knew they still referred to her as the former raising star that had to pay for love.

Steph was tired of it; the whispers and snide comments, but she was determinate to keep her head high. That was why this meeting was so important. If this didn’t work, if Gerwig wouldn’t take her, she would be done. Steph would rather get out in her own terms than everyone else’s.

Checking the time again, Steph considered asking the waiter for something stronger than orange juice. Even if it was 10 in the morning. Maybe decided against it. Her worst decisions had been made thanks to alcohol. Instead, she looked out at the view, trying to see it the rhythmic movements of the waves would soothe her racing heart.

Gerwig had scheduled this meeting at a seaside restaurant Steph had never heard of before. It was small and intimate and more importantly, out of the way enough that most people around had better things to do than worry about potential celebrities hanging around. Aside from that, the view was fantastic and if the smell waffling from the kitchen was any indication, the food was too. This could easily become Steph’s new favorite spot. If this meeting went well.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, dear,” Gerwig spoke, startling Steph. “No need to get up,” she said before dropping on the chair in front of her, taking off her hat.

The woman that sat before Steph was impressive. Not only because she was stunning; Her sand blonde hair waving in the soft breeze, a few grey strands shining against the sun. Her blue eyes were startling bright and showed a sort of keen intelligence that seemed to pierce through her. The wrinkles around her eyes and mouth spoke of a life well-lived, full of laughter and challenges.

Steph didn’t know why, but she immediately liked Gerwig. It was almost as if she had found a kindred spirit and something inside her connected at a deeper level with the older woman before her.

“It’s an honor to meet you,” Steph said, suddenly feeling like a beginner meeting their idol. “Thank you so much for meeting me, Mrs. Gerwig.”

“Of course,” she replied with a kind smile. “Call me Katheryn. I’ve always hated Gerwig. It’s my ex-husband's name.”

“Sure.” Steph nodded quickly, her own smile nervous and hesitant as Katheryn asked for a mimosa. Apparently, unlike Steph, the older woman had no qualms on drinking before noon.

“I have to say, dear, a lot of people advised me against taking this meeting,” Katheryn declared, sipping her drink. “So, before we talk about my movie, I want to understand why.” She set her glass aside, entwining her fingers together and resting her chin on top of them, watching Steph with her full attention. “Tell me everything.”

And Steph did. Much like she had done to Vincent, she shared every detail of what happened between her and Keanu and the aftermath of it until they reached that particular moment of her life, struggling to get a role in anything worth wanting to be part of.

“That’s it?” Katheryn asked once Steph fell silent, and the young actress nodded. “For fuck sake! The way my producer was speaking, I thought you murdered someone or something. Definitely something more serious than falling in love with a hooker.”

She clicked her tongue in something like disappointment. If with the fact that Steph’s story wasn’t as juicy as she expected or that her producer made a bigger deal of it than necessary, Steph couldn’t tell.

“Honestly, if the roles were reversed, it would be a fairytale. He would be Richard Gere and you Julia Roberts,” Katheryn continued with an eye-roll. “This is why I hate Hollywood.”

“You don’t care, then?” Steph asked hopefully and Katheryn shook her head, gesturing to for the waiter to bring her another mimosa. “So, you let me audition for the role of Sarah?”

“That’s another matter entirely, dear,” Katheryn replied, looking back at Steph. “I took a look at your work and you weren’t exactly what I was envisioning for the role. Don’t get me wrong, you’re great, but I was thinking of something more subtle.”

“Oh.” It was all Steph could say. She really didn’t expect that it would be her career itself that would take this role from her and not what happened.

“I hope you understand,” Katheryn said with a sympathetic smile. “I need raw emotion, but not something too overt or explicit. I need…” she paused, deep I thought. “You know what the title of my movie means?” She asked and Steph shook her head. “That word, Saudade, it’s Portuguese. There’s no translation to English, but it conveys a sort of nostalgic longing for a place, a memory, a person. Like…”

“Like it’s a part of you that you’re missing?” Steph said, her gaze looking away from the woman in front of her.

To an onlooker, it would seem like she was just admiring the ocean extending in front of her. The blue waters that seemed to mix with the bright skies. The fluffy white bubbles whenever the waves crashed on the shore. The boats in the distance and the couples walking hand in hands through the wet sand… It made the scene look like a painting.  However, Steph’s gaze was actually lost, unseeing as she searched for the words to describe the feeling Katheryn was talking about.

“It feels almost as if they left a hole in your soul, shaped like them and that never full heals,” she sighed, feeling the tears brimming in her eyes. “Most days, it just a dull ache and you can actually trick yourself into forgetting and not noticing. If you’re busy enough if you work hard enough, it makes you believe that maybe… maybe one day… you’ll be fine and it will be over. But then…” her voice broke as the lump in her throat grew, making it harder for Steph to bring the words forth, but she had to do this. Digging her fingers on her knees under the table, she wetted her lips and continued.

“Then you see something that belonged to them or heard their name or smell their scent and… Sometimes I believe that’s what time travel must be like because you’re there. Back at that place with them and it’s so sweet because you can feel how happy you used to be, but at the same time, God! It hurts. That kind of throbbing, pulsing pain. All compassing and consuming. Suddenly, it’s all you know again, and you can’t believe how you thought, even for a second, that it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Because it’s a piece of you that’s missing and it’s the most human thing to want to feel complete, but you can’t. Not anymore. Not without him.”

Steph let out a shuddering exhale, ducking her head to wipe away the tears that managed to escape while she swallowed around the knot on her throat before she turned to look at Katheryn and the other woman had tear tracks marking her cheeks as she watched Steph.

“Is that what you mean?”

“Yes,” Katheryn nodded, a smile gracing her lips as she reached across the table, catching Steph’s hand and squeezing lightly. “You understand. I think you understand Sarah better than I could ever hope to write her. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you’re exactly what I need.”

“Thank you.” Steph’s lips tilted into a smile too. Katheryn had a point. She never felt this connected to a character before.

“We’ll start shooting in Toronto in two weeks. Think you can be ready by then?”

“Yes.” Steph nodded, satisfaction and happiness filling her heart. “I’ll be there.”

----

Steph never had an experience quite like this shooting a movie, but she loved it. Jean wasn’t kidding when he said it was a low budget independent movie. Katheryn crew was tiny and the entire thing was shot in a single location, this two-store house in Toronto, using one single camera.

All of it meant long hours of shooting, especially since Katheryn liked wide angles and long takes so Steph felt this incredible pressure not to screw up. She was the protagonist. The entire concept of the movie depended on her doing her job right.

In the end, it was an incredible thing. After a month of working intensely and living in close quarters with the rest of the cast and crew, Steph grew close with all of them. She knew the names and birthdays of the DP’s children and all the cameraman allergies… They had become a second family to her and when they finally wrapped up filming, even though Steph was exhausted and in desperate need for long hours of sleep, she accompanied them to this local club so they could celebrate.

It wasn’t an official wrap party, then didn’t have the funds for that. Just a bunch of friends trying to find a way to fit at a too-small table in an overcrowded club with overpriced beer and some nice rock tunes.

Basically, it was all Steph needed after the dreadful year she was having. No one could blame her for letting lose, drinking a tiny bit too much – not quite like the night with Jean, Vincent, and Keanu – but just enough to make her tipsy and overfriendly, hugging people left and right, much to Katheryn’s amusement.  

She danced to the music played by the band on the stage and even agreed to a couple of selfies from one or two people that recognized her, before retreating to the table, tired, sweaty and dizzy, but very happy.

“When we back to LA, we need to do this in a proper bar,” she commented to Katheryn, who had kept up with her the entire night and the older woman laughed and nodded, clinking her beer bottle against Steph’s.

She drained her beer, before getting to her feet again and stumbling towards the restroom, getting stuck in line for ten minutes, until she could finally step out of the warm, smoky bar, into the slightly cooler air of the restroom, which was a reprieve despite the faint smell of urine and disinfectant.

Steph took her time relieving herself, washing her hands and retouching her makeup, faintly hearing the muffled sounds of the new band presenting themselves before they started to play. She bobbed her head a bit at the very little she could hear while she applied another layer of lipstick and stepped out just as they finished the first song.

She didn’t know why she didn’t glance at the stage on her way to the bar to pick up a new beer, even if the first accords of the new song was so pleasing. She was happy she didn’t because when a familiar voice reached her ears, one that Steph never thought she would hear in a million years, she froze, beer bottle halfway to her lips, eyes wide, staring at nothing.

She didn’t know the song itself, but she had heard enough Dogstar before the entire mess with Keanu that Steph could recognize Brett’s voice. Shaking, she turned around to face the stage, her gaze instinctively finding Keanu and her breath caught in her throat as she watched him.

His hair was longer again, curling by his nape, sticking to his sweaty forehead. His jaw was covered with a spotty beard that shouldn’t look that charming. His broad shoulders ripped and moved as he played, making the black t-shirt he was wearing stretch over his strong chest and biceps. His jeans, as usual, were tighter than needed, displaying muscular legs and, if his red bass wasn’t positioned right in front of his crotch, Steph knew she would be able to see the generous volume of his cock too.

Somehow she much had forgotten how gorgeous he was because Steph couldn’t bear to look away from him as her heart rabbited in her chest as if trying to burst from her ribcage and butterflies fluttered in her stomach, especially when he joined on the back vocal, his voice barely audible, but enough to make her knees weak.

She leaned against the bar, gaze fixed on the band in front of her, completely oblivious to Katheryn approaching her, calling her name. Not until the woman shook her shoulder and Steph finally tore her eyes away, blinking away the wetness in them. Katheryn looked confused for a moment before realization dawned on her and she glanced back at the stage.

“It’s him?” she asked, and Steph nodded, holding her bottom lip between her teeth to keep it from quivering. “Which one?”

“The bassist,” she whispered, eyes returning to him, watching the wide smile in his face, the one she had only seen when he was on his bike or with her.

“Do you want to leave?”

“No,” Steph gasped, once again unable to take her eyes away from him. “I’ve always wanted to watch him play.”

Katheryn nodded, squeezing her arm gently before retreating to the table, leaving Steph alone to watch the band, but mostly Keanu. The way he bounced over the stage, grinning like a manic, playing around with his mates and some of the audience. He was a natural, completely in his element, like he was born to be there and Steph was so happy he had found a way to make this work.

At the end of their set, Dogstar thanked everyone and announced that they had CDs for sale in the back before disappearing into the bowels of the club. Part of Steph was sad that it was over. She could spend the entire day listening to them, so she located the table with the merchandising, grabbing a CD and a t-shirt, before stepping outside for some fresh air and to recompose herself.

It was one thing Katheryn to see her like this, shaking and troubled. She knew the entire story, but the rest of the cast and crew only knew bits and pieces. Not because she was ashamed, but because it was still too hard to talk about it.

Steph exhaled slowly, the cold air grounding her to the present, keeping her from getting lost into memories of Keanu. And as long as she was grounded and kept a level head, she could stop herself from seeking him out. He didn’t want to see her. He made that very clear in that hotel in Paris.

“Steph?” She shivered at the sound of his voice saying her name. She missed that. She missed him. So, so much.

Slowly, Steph turned to look at him, her hands shaking so much the plastic case of the CD rattled a little. There he was, tall and strong and perfect and she couldn’t help but think about the title of the movie she just finished shoot: Saudade. That was what she felt, her insides yearning for that lost piece of her and she wished there was a way to tell him.

“Hi Keanu,” she said instead. What else could she say when there were so much, but not enough words?

xxx (tbc) xxx

Go to chapter 10

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[yumi-michiyo]

For You I’d Burn the Length and Breadth of Sky [1+2/4] - with extended author’s notes

Rating: M for strong language, adult themes, implied infidelity, and other naughty things

Genre: Supernatural/Drama/Romance/Angst/Family/I don't even know man, how do you neatly categorise this

Pairings: intended Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray, Rachel Berry/Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray/Noah Puckerman

Summary: She already knows Quinn Fabray is more than just a pretty face; she just didn't know it would take a few lifetimes to find out how much more. Post-canon, AU divergence. A oneshot of epic proportions.

Links: FF.net|AO3

When I first came up with the concept, I thought it was dead in the water. Wishes? Alternate lives? A deal with the devil? I don't really write fics that aren't grounded in realism, after all.

Until I realised that this was basically an excuse to write 3 very different AU stories where the girls don't have their happy ending, and still connect them into a fic where they could. Things... kind of took off from there.

Writing started in late October 2016 after I'd written and posted my earlier Glee fics, but stalled because I had much less time for fandom thanks to RL. I do most of my writing in front of my laptop, but work forced me to turn to mobile to get the important plot points down - because, god, the juicy bits and snippets always come to you at the most inconvenient times. And the progress went from there.

The Man Who Shall Not Be Named is the devil, certainly. His appearance is modelled after Hans from Frozen because I'm from that fandom before I started having big Glee ideas, and I do love my manipulative!Hans. Though it's not immediately apparent what real!Rachel is going through, it will be revealed in pieces as the story goes on.

As mentioned in the notes, Mustique is a real place, and Rachel's hotel is supposed to be The Cotton House, though it's never explicitly stated. When the plot outline called for Rachel to run away from her problems which is normally such a Quinn thing to do, this setting immediately came to mind.

On Rachel Berry:

Canon!Rachel has always struck me as 'the most successful failure'. She's gotten almosteverything she's wanted, because it's very basic; the leading role on Broadway, Tony in hand, leading man at her side. Ryan Murphy's complete ineptness at character development aside, her ending doesn't seem as anything more than something hastily shoved at her to wrap up an already-dying show (I attempted to make sense of this elsewhere). This is another of my attempts, in a nutshell, to resolve this.

I find it hard to believe Lea Michele when she insists she's more than Rachel Berry, because she is Rachel; the role was written for her, Ryan wrote parts of Lea's life into Rachel's. I felt it fitting, then, to make jabs at Lea's life through Rachel's; though if Lea does have a more fulfilling private life that's quite different from the vacuous social media updates, I'm happy for her.

Most of my fics are written from Rachel's POV partly because she was the protagonist of Glee, and thus the one that the audience spent the most time with, and mostly because she fits the story ideas I have.

Arguably, my forte is at writing people who want each other while being married to others. I think I haven't wielded this awesome force in this fandom yet.

On Finn Hudson:

I don't hate Finn, like many Faberry shippers tend to do. Finn is just a sweet, small-town guy (strictly talking Finn, not Cory) but he's not going to push Rachel to greater heights. He'll always be the one who's quietly there for her, as Rachel says in the show, but he doesn't challenge Rachel. He has a tough time in this fic trying to deal with this (they both do) but he comes through, in typical Finn Hudson hardiness.

On Quinn Fabray:

I operate on the headcanon that Quinn is a closeted unicorn who is a confused and conflicted baby gay over Rachel - the first person to challenge her beliefs, everything she's been told to take for granted. Since we never get to see how Quinn develops from there, I am more than happy to write endless fic about how Quinn deals with her gayness. But if Rachel is the one to make Quinn question herself, what if Rachel isn't the one Quinn could fall in love with?

On Noah Puckerman:

I have always had a soft spot for Puck (I don't agree with Mark Salling, but he's not Puck). He could have had more character development, but again canon is all over the place; so I imagine him to be a genuinely caring guy even if he thinks with his lower head more often than not.