#and again: relationships can be toxic/unhealthy without abuse occurring! sometimes people are just BAD for each other!

[firelxdykatara]

It's also just incredibly stupid on its face because we are not pokemon--we do not evolve into a completely different species just because we hit some arbitrary age milestone. I still have many of the same interests and passions now, at thirty-three, as I had when I was nineteen. And when I was twenty, and in a community choir where I was twenty years younger than the next youngest member, I had a great time and found I had a lot in common with many of my fellow choir members--including the fifty-year-old man who looked like Kevin Kline and on whom I had an enormous crush.

Like, no, it's not necessary to have common ground in order to find someone hot and want to and be willing to have sex with them--but also it's quite possible to have more in common with someone twenty years your senior who is in the same community programs as you than you do with someone in your peer group who has wildly different interests that don't intersect with your life at any point.

And it's even sillier when people say stuff like 'what does that 27-year-old even have to say to that 19-year-old' because, like.... that's not even a full decade? That's potentially two people in the same generation, and depending on how they meet that could already be a point of commonality on which attraction or even a relationship could build. As an example, when I was 27 I was still heavily involved in my community college's theater program, and I developed a crush on one of the other actors in the production we did that spring. I liked him because he was cute and funny and we both could talk for ages about video games we both enjoyed and also damn could he sing. It was a couple of months before the topic of ages even came up, and it was because it was my birthday, and he heard me tell someone else how old I was and he was like you're 28????? Cause apparently he'd thought I was 22, tops, and I'd assumed he was in his early twenties at least. It turned out he was 19, but that didn't bother me because I already knew he was off the table since he had a girlfriend and I was content to just crush from afar. But we had tons in common! If he'd been single and interested in me, I wouldn't have felt bad about pursuing a relationship. (He had a leg up on me in the life experience department anyway--I was still living with and dependent on my parents and he had an apartment of his own and a really good job.)

It's just really funny to think about how if I was a celebrity and he'd been an actor peer of mine and we dated, people would be screaming about grooming because of the huge age difference of -checks notes- eight years between peers with a similar social circle.

Like, I promise you, two rich people in the same profession working on the same projects have far more in common with each other, despite any age difference they may have, than either of them would have with some random non-famous person off the street who is the exact same age.

And that's the thing: once you reach adulthood, maturity is at least as much about life experience as it is about numerical age. Someone who is twenty-five and still living at home who's never had to pay bills has less relevant life experience than someone who is nineteen and been living independently for two years because they got emancipated and had to learn to support themselves. The whole 'brain isn't fully developed until 25' thing is complete nonsense, because the fact is that brain development is just as unique to the individual as their overall lives are. (Also, the brain never stops developing!) Part of becoming an adult is learning to make adult choices and having to live with the consequences of those choices.

You can't get that life experience until you are an adult and society treats you like one! Sometimes, that life experience includes sexual or romantic decisions you probably shouldn't have made. These are learning experiences that can help you figure out what you're actually looking for later on when you are ready for more mature, longer-lasting relationships. And abuse can happen to anyone at any age! You can maybe make the claim that a huge age difference has the potential to be a red flag, but the existence of a power imbalance is not actually evidence of that power imbalance being abused. And sometimes, relationships are bad for one or both parties without abuse being involved. Sometimes, it's just part of growing the fuck up.

Anyway, my worst relationship experience was with a former friend of mine who was five years younger than me and turned out to be a manipulative asshole who used me for sex until I grew enough of a spine to put my foot down lol

God one of my least favorite arguments about age gap relationships being ‘bad’ I see over and over again is, “what would they have in COMMON anyway??” Wtf does that even mean are people really asking this seriously is it so fucking shocking that people want to have sex with someone they have nothing in common with? I want to shake these people that isn’t saying literally anything.

--

[trulisthetic]

I had a bad day today. I did something stupid and got in an online argument with someone who told me that Jim and Pam were an unhealthy couple. I told her why I don't think that's the case without insulting her and got shot down anyway. What would you make of it?

This turned into a monster-post. Oops.

First and foremost, I’m really sorry that you had a bad day. My understanding is that that “someone” wasn’t very kind and respectful to you even though you were towards them. You know, the internet is such a wild place. Under the cover of online profiles we create for ourselves we sometimes act in ways we wouldn’t in real life. We forget that there is an actual person on the other end and not a heartless machine. And being on the receiving end of that... well, it sucks. I’m sorry you had to deal with that today.

I get that you feel like you did something stupid - because yes, online arguments don’t often get us anywhere, they only end up frustrating us, even hurting us sometimes. But trust me when I tell you this: If you were respectful and didn’t insult her, then you did absolutely nothing wrong. This wasn’t your fault. They’re the only ones accountable for their behavior. I get that you feel off right now, but really, all you can do from this point forward is; just keep swimming :P 

All that aside, not everyone is going to agree on everything at that is granted. And it is okay. That’s what makes the people that think like us and share our interests so special and beautiful in our eyes, you know? It’s okay if somebody on the internet doesn’t think Jim and Pam are a healthy couple. Maybe they trigger something for them - a reminder of a past relationship that didn’t end well. Or maybe there is no reason for it - this is just the way they view it. All of those are fine, everyone is entitled to an opinion. I would even be interested in hearing them out, because, honestly, I can’t think of how Jim and Pam’s relationship could possibly be considered unhealthy. But from what I understand - and correct me if I’m wrong! It’s just what I got from the way you phrased your question - the person you argued with didn’t really have many points themselves, they were just arguing for the sake of arguing, finding problems when there really weren’t any. And that’s what’s really problematic. When people go out and shout accusations of unhealthy and problematic and abusive relationships, all they do is make a fool out of the REAL problematic and abusive ones. And that’s the true tragedy in all this.

Now onto Jim and Pam themselves. It never even occurred to me that this would be an issue; their relationship being considered ‘unhealthy’.

Since day one, Jim and Pam have always ALWAYS brought out the best in one another. And I believe that anyone who argues on this point in particular has been watching a different show. I mean seriously, they were written this way. Their love was, to its core, written to be of the purest kind. They have a strong base as friends, which is the best foundation you can have in a relationship. And they’ve always been each other’s “person”, since the first season. The one they turn to every time they have a problem, like when Pam is frustrated with Roy, or when Jim dies of boredom. They’re partners in crime, their time together is full of the most awe-worthy combination of mischief and touching moments, and just... joy. Have you seen two people happier to just be with each other’s presence? Have you seen anyone’s eyes light up the way Jim’s does every time Pam “chooses him” when she’s “bored” or when she tells him he has “very nice teeth”? Have you seen on anybody else's face that wide smile (with the tongue peeking between the teeth) that Pam gets every time Jim takes a second too long to choose a jellybean flavor, or buys her a coke for a round of jinx? Those two bring the greatest amount of joy to each other, while doing the smaller, most insignificant things. The only thing that could possibly make them wrong would be if their relationship was toxic.

And Jim and Pam’s relationship is not toxic.

Let's look at some signs of a toxic relationship okay?

It feels bad. All the time. Well. I kinda just went through that. The only times it’s felt bad for them was when they were apart, in season 3 mostly, and then in season 9. And yes, they had marital problems. So, SO many couples do, if not every single one. They handled one situation poorly, and it backfired on them, and they drifted apart. And then they found their way back to each other. At this point, I want to quote one of my favorite pieces of writing, ever. I use it a lot, but it applies here so perfectly, so... @acutelesbian said: “A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.” A while later, she reblogged her own post and added: “I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class. After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort. She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice. Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation. The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with. The divorced ones said they chose to walk away. Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days. I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.” There it is. So. Jim and Pam had some issues during season 9. They didn’t communicate well, they made some poor choices, they didn’t handle the situation they were thrown in very gracefully. And yet they made a choice, the choice to stay and push and fight for their relationship. They went to therapy, together. They opened up, discussed their feelings, communicated, worked out a solution. They chose each other, even though at the time they weren’t each other’s favorite person. They went through a rough patch and came out of it together, stronger than ever. And HAPPY. If that’s not the epitome of a healthy relationship, then I don’t know what the fuck is. Having said all that, I think I also covered these signs of a toxic relationship:

You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point. 

There’s no effort.

Nothing gets resolved.  So let's move on to the next ones.

You’re constantly braced for the ‘gotcha’. This is for when there’s a trap in every statement or question, and even though everyone makes mistakes, yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. And this is seriously as far from Jim and Pam as humanly possible. They’re seriously the exact opposite of that, always lifting each other up and supporting one another through their mistakes. 

When ‘no’ is a dirty word. “I think I want a wedding-wedding.” “Cranford? No.” “I don’t know if I want this.” “I don’t think you should go to Philly tonight.”

The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are. Before they were together, they both had some “weak” moments, during which they didn’t exactly act fairly. Not once in all these years have we EVER seen one call the other out on their past mistakes. They’re not keeping score, they’re discussing them, dealing with them and moving on. There isn’t a more mature way to go about this.

There’s a battle – and you’re on your own. Again. In every chance they get, in any problem they face with third persons, they always stand by the other’s side and lift them up and support them. Just like when Pam was there for Jim when Ryan made his life hard in s4, or when Dwight terrorized him with the snow in s7. And just like when Jim made the list for Pam when Robert California set her aside, or when he demanded answers by her side from the dude who did call “a dork like that” back. Those two are a team, and not just when they’re planning ways to prank Dwight, or they’re sharing looks across the room over how ridiculous Michael is being.

Privacy? What privacy? Oh, I LOVE this one about them. How they get to be individuals and they are not defined by one another. They get their private time, private hobbies, and that’s such a healthy part of a relationship that so many just overlook. The only time that wasn’t the case was when they were using the world’s smallest Bluetooth - but it was so obvious that they were both craving it so much because they were missing each other, and they were both more than comfortable with it. Until that conversation with her classmate happened, which I’m sure signaled the end of that way of communication for them. But remember all those months they were apart? Remember how Jim TURNED BACK halfway to New York because “I’m not that guy. And we’re not that couple”? Remember how respectful they’ve always been of each other’s need for privacy?

The lies. Oh the lies! The only lie between the two (If you don’t count the “I can’t” of Casino Night and the “It was three years ago. I’m totally over it.” of The Secret) was when Jim didn’t tell Pam that he started a business in Philly. Which he told her an episode late, by himself. And it served as the perfect opportunity to show just how steady the foundations of their relationship are, and how much they trust and faith they have in one another and in their love. I’ll never forget how Pam reacted to realizing that Jim is keeping something from her. She didn’t call him out or corner him for answers, she simply waited for him to tell her when he’s ready. Then when the idea of an affair was thrown on the table, Pam shrugged it off, saying “Jim? No. He loves me too much”. And it’s not easy to say that theoretically, much along actually act on it. But when in season 8 Kathy hit on Jim while they were in that hotel, there’s a deleted scene of Jim and Pam on the phone, and Pam is actually joking about the whole thing. It’s impressive and miraculous just how deeply these two trust each other, and believe that they would never hurt the other like that.

Physical or verbal abuse. Or both. We’ve seen Pam being handled roughly by Roy, and then we’ve seen the way Jim treats her, like she’s the most precious butterfly. And HEAVEN HELP ME, the guy was too scared to look at her for too long in the beginning. He’s the most gentle and caring man I’ve seen, in words and actions alike. And the very same goes for Pam. The only time she’s spoken badly to him was when she said “Shut it” as she was storming off Michael’s office when she found out he was dating her mom and Jim knew. And she was clearly very upset and not acting like herself. But we can all agree that this is not a pattern of behavior, and that Jim and Pam have NEVER, EVER been abusive towards one another.

Not including the other in big decisions. This is the only one that’s kinda true. Jim decided to buy his parents’ house, then decided to start a business, then Pam decided to sell the house, all without including the other. Despite those, that was an issue that they were not blind towards, and Pam even brought it up in season 9, and it was one of the problems they worked through at couples therapy. And that’s exactly what a healthy and mature relationship looks like.

So there you have it. Those are the main signs of an unhealthy relationship. Wanna hear the definition of a healthy one?

A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on: Mutual respect. Trust. Honesty. Support. Fairness/equality. Separate identities. Good communication. A sense of playfulness/fondness.

In a healthy relationship you:

Take care of yourself and have good self-esteem independent of your relationship

Maintain and respect each other’s individuality

Maintain relationships with friends and family

Have activities apart from one another

Are able to express yourselves to one another without fear of consequences

Are able to feel secure and comfortable

Allow and encourage other relationships

Take interest in one another’s activities

Do not worry about violence in the relationship

Resolve conflict fairly: Fighting is part of even healthy relationships, the difference is how the conflict is handled. Fighting fairly is an important skill you help you have healthier relationships

Have respect for sexual boundaries

Are honest about sexual activity if it is a sexual relationship

Accept influence. Relationships are give and take; allowing your partner to influence you is important; this can be especially difficult for some men.

Trust each other and be honest with each other

Have the option of privacy

Now, let us all think each and every one of those through. And let’s think about it twice before we accuse perfectly healthy relationships of being toxic.

That’s all I have to say. Sorry, this was so long, and thank you for staying to this point!

All I know is that, for me, Jim and Pam’s relationship - along with that of my parents’ - is the healthiest one my eyes have ever seen. And I feel so lucky to have discovered those two gems. 💜

[i-shakuntali-sibieria-blog]

Indo-Tibetan method of healing

– Shakuntali, tell us: what is unique about Indo-Tibetan method of healing?

– This method of healing is a gift to the people of the Earth, as it cures all possible and impossible diseases, known and unknown to modern medicine. There are only 8 people in the world who have it. There are such healers in Russia, 2 more people in Europe and one in Tibet. All of them were trained in Tibet.

– Shakuntali, how does this method of healing work?

– The method consists in filling the human body with a special energy, which starts the process of activation of the immune system, and then gradually the body begins to process the disease itself. To cope with all the carriers of diseases: viruses and bacteria. The method affects the whole body: even those diseases of the organs and systems of the body, about which a person may not know, are healed. After healing the person becomes completely healthy, and at the same time the body is rejuvenated. Nerve cells are completely restored, in spite of the claim of medicine that nerve cells do not regenerate. Immunity and resistance to various diseases are increased.

– Can exacerbation of diseases occur after healing?

– Yes, after completing the healing sessions exacerbation of the diseases can occur, and even those about which a person does not remember. When the body is gaining enough strength to fight the disease, it turns on a mechanism of displacement of the disease and restoration of normal functions. And it appears as exacerbation. This is not to be feared. After exacerbation you will get better.

– How many sessions are necessary to treat the disease?

– Most of the diseases pass after 9 sessions. There are 3 courses of 3 sessions each, the minimum break between courses — 2 days, and the maximum — a few months. Common diseases can pass after the 1st course. But there are serious, chronic diseases that have been developing in the body for a long time or a huge bunch of diseases, in such cases more than 9 sessions are necessary. No warranty is given on the 4th stage of cancer when irreversible changes in cells already occur, there are metastases, and the cells are no longer able to recover.

– Although, there was a case in my practice when in Barcelona I was approached by a woman with cervical cancer and metastases in the spine. She developed gangrene in her right leg and the doctors wanted to amputate the leg. At that time she had disability of the 1st group. After completing 3 courses of healing the woman recovered. Now she looks great, younger, she goes to work and no one can believe that she had such a terrible disease. Her leg now just hurts. And she is determined to go through the 4th course to fully recover. It is necessary in case of her severe disease.

– There is also no guarantee for congenital diseases. Karmic diseases, with which a person is born, are not healed because the cells, including the brain, are dysfunctional since birth. However, some improvement still will occur.

– Sometimes it is too late to heal. Healing just does not have time to restore the human body. In this case, healing will help the person to leave the world without suffering, without pain, in a blissful state.

– And what is the best way to hold sessions for people addicted to drug and alcohol abuse?

– In cases of drug addiction and alcoholism it is better to carry out all 3 courses together with a minimum 2-day interval between treatment. To avoid fears and craving.

– Are there any contraindications for use of this method?

– There are no contraindications for use of this method, it can be combined with conventional medical treatment. Even operations are more successful after healing sessions. Although I do not recommend surgical intervention without urgent need.

– Does the result of treatment depend on a person’s faith?

– The result of treatment and the effect of the method does not depend on man’s faith in healing. No matter whether a person believes or not, healing helps everyone. The main thing — a man must want to be healed! If a person does not want to — nothing will help him.

– Tell us, please, some other cases of miraculous healing from your practice!

– In Tallin I healed a man who was lying completely paralyzed after 3 strokes, and he was about to be disconnected from cardiopulmonary bypass. After completing 9 days of healing, he was discharged from hospital 2 weeks later as a fully healthy person. Seeing him off, all department of the hospital applauded, thinking that it is the merit of physicians.

– And once a man came from Mexico in order to complete healing. His leg hurt. There were purulent processes in his knee, and after a dozen operations the inflammation began again, nothing helped. He came to Altai, Siberia with blood infection. After 2 courses of healing he returned to Mexico — the infection was gone and all his wounds were healed. Later he came to me again and completed the last 3rd course. Now he is completely healthy. And there are a lot of such miracles.

The Indo-Tibetan Method — Opening the Channel of Healing

The Indo-Tibetan Method channels energy that gradually restores the entire organism and heals diseases.

However, the healing process takes time and if a person is already close to death, the energy may not be able to fully heal him in time, because there is a time for everything.

In severe cases like chronic illnesses, the healing process occurs slowly.

The time it takes to heal also depends on the condition of the organism. If it is a young and healthy body, than the healing takes place quicker. If not, then the process is slowed down.

Another factor that effects the healing process is a person’s lifestyle. If a person smokes, drinks or partakes in unhealthy activities, then the energy will be used to clean the toxins from the smoking and bad diet out of the person’s body. A healthy lifestyle helps the body heal and makes the healing process faster.

The Indo-Tibetan Method can be used alongside medication, as long as they are not overly toxic. This will speed up the process.

It is very important to use the Indo-Tibetan Method alongside herbal remedies and a correct diet for any given illness (reference Malahov). Yoga and detoxes are especially helpful in speeding up the healing process.

After the Indo-Tibetan Method seances it is important to take a bath because this will help the healing process.

It is very important to understand which thoughts, emotions and deeds brought on the illness. It is important to try to change your outlook on life and your relationships with people so that the illness heal sooner.

You can find answers to such questions in the following books: “The Mystic’s Path” and “After Death”.

Tours, seminars, individual work and magical items such as amulets will also help.

The hardest thing to heal is cancer and tumors. The Indo-Tibetan Method can help stop the development of oncological illnesses. It is recommended to continue participating in sessions, at least once a year, to prevent the tumor from growing.

The Indo-Tibetan Method healing process can be enhanced with cleanses. Sometimes it seems that an illness is getting worse and the symptoms increase, but this is an effect of the healing method. It mobilizes all of the organism’s inner resources to fight the disease. The sickness and the evil spirit that caused are resisting treatment. Soon, however, the healing method wins and the disease starts to retreat.

The cleanse can last a couple of days or a couple of weeks, depending on the severity of the illness. It can also be periodically repeated.

[curtisandlewis]

A Guide to The Playhouse

The Playhouse is a fic of my own creation and my baby. It originated from my need to write about the parties that Jerry, Tony, and Janet revolved their lives around that occurred at the building in Jerry's backyard affectionately named The Playhouse. As I sat down to plot this epic story that spanned from 1948 to 1953 relationships developed complexity, conflict was practically handed to me, and I got the gift of writing scene after scene of Jerry with Tony. They're not my OTP but are my biggest obsession. However, I am completely changing the storyline.

I knew from the start the "The Playhouse" would not be a fairytale. The relationships are complex and can be unhealthy and abusive. Mental illness, trauma, sex addiction, abuse of drugs and alcohol all contribute to risky and abusive behaviors. BDSM is also at the core of the story both being practiced in safe and dangerous ways. I thought it would be sufficient just include warnings at the beginning of each chapter as I do for any of my fics that can be "problematic" but I now realize the twenty or so thousand words I have written are not just "problematic" but can be harmful especially to anyone like me. I have written this guide to explain why I wrote those words and hopefully reverse any damage they have done.  

To anyone that read what I wrote and got the impression that certain sexual acts were more taboo or wrong than others, I am truly sorry. That is a fucked up way to live. I wouldn’t wish anyone to have shame for who they are or what they want in a consensual sexual relationship. Think about the sex you enjoy, without shame or restriction. Read the sex scenes that entertain you the most. Write the kind of sex you want to see in the world and is the most fun for you to write. Choose to masturbate and explore your body in the ways you want. Or choose not to touch yourself. Have sex in any way you and your partner/partners desire and consent to. Or choose not to have sex at all. It is your decision to make. That is your right as a person who is in charge of their own body. Please learn from my mistakes. 

I just want to make it clear that the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey came out in February 9, 2015. I had no idea about the book until I saw the trailer for the movie. The first chapter of "The Playhouse" was published May 17, 2014, and I had been writing and planning several months before that. I have never read Fifty Shades of Grey and I only saw the first half hour (I couldn't make it to the sex scenes) of the movie in 2016. After I saw Christian Grey say the infamous line, "I don't make love. I fuck. Hard." I worried that Tony was similar to Christian Grey and that his relationship with Jerry was similar to the one in the movie. However, I NEVER presented their sexual relationship as a love story to be watched on Valentine's day. It may be that the two stories have nothing in common but I obsessively worried that they were and that I wrote something deeply problematic.

In March of 2015, I wrote a spin off of "The Playhouse" about the first time Tony humps Jerry (their fave activity). After I wrote it I felt like I had done something wrong. Not too long after something bad happened to a member of my family. I believed by writing the words in that story I had caused the bad thing because I was being punished. I now know I have OCD and this is how OCD works against you. It makes you believe you caused something when there is no logical way you could have caused it to happen. This is why "The Playhouse" has not been updated in over two years. I can look back now and realize the reason why I felt like I had done something wrong is that the characters were acting in a way that was wrong to who they were. I had projected my anxiety and shame onto them.

From here on out there will be liberal use of sex terms and discussion of sex  

What you need to know: I have anxiety writing anal sexual stimulation or anal sex due to many toxic beliefs and stigmas I internalized over the years. To avoid writing these scenes I made Dean's character believe due to his internalized homophobia that it was wrong for a man to penetrate another man or be penetrated by any gender even if in masturbation. Since the age of sixteen, Jerry has had curiosity about being penetrated. Tony has wanted to top Jerry since Jerry's sixteenth birthday (the fic that sparked my OCD) that is six years starting from chapter one of the story. To again, avoid having to write any penetrative scenes I had to write Dean being emotionally abusive and using shame and threats to control Jerry's sexual behavior. All of this because I as a writer did not realize I could just not fucking write anal sex scenes. I thought if I wrote a bunch of dry humping scenes you would think I was weird so instead, I wrote horribly abusive relationships...

Quick History lesson, since the medieval times it was believed evil for a man to be penetrated because he was in a passive role that was reserved for women. Men that were penetrated were put to death while women who had sex with women without penetration were encouraged to do so for their health. These toxic beliefs are deep within history and still exist in society.

Allow me to get a little bit personal. I’ve always had anxiety writing anal sex scenes. I’ve written it very rarely in the past ten years that I have been writing sex scenes. I wrote mostly oral sex because it was less "homosexual" than anal sex. (I had a lot of internalized crap I was dealing with). Even though it’s absolutely possible for two men to have a sexual relationship and never have anal sex, I thought it would be too weird for Dean and Jerry to be having sex for six years and never try it. Also as a writer, I enjoy writing them being physically intimate but not having sex. That word I see in fanfiction tags: frottage (such a weird word). You know the act of two men rubbing up against each other. It just offers so many more options than manual sex or oral sex ever could. THE FACT YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF. How convenient is that? But I never saw it as the main option for sexual gratification. It was always presented as either foreplay or the only option because the characters couldn’t have sex. What made me feel weirder is that I enjoyed writing “humping” scenes (also a strange word) This is “frottage” but front to back instead of front to front. All of the advantages of anal sex without any of the problems. It required no prep. Whoever is on top can do it as hard and fast as they want and not hurt their partner. Likewise, to show intimacy it can be done in a gentle and romantic way, maybe even being left for special occasions like anniversaries. It’s also very easy for Tony and Jerry to take turns being top and Jerry doesn’t always have to be in the passive submissive role. Speaking of submissive it’s also easy to incorporate BDSM without it becoming too intense. Have you read those stories where the guy bleeds? You know what I mean. I didn’t want Jerry to bleed. And if he did I didn’t want it to be sexy. I wanted it to show that his sex addiction was getting out of hand or their BDSM relationship was becoming reckless. They can do it again, and again, and again. It wouldn’t put nearly the amount of strain on Jerry’s body that intercourse would. And of course, if you read “The Playhouse” you know that I use it an awful lot in group sex situations and to show just how fucking possessive Dean can be. As you can see there were a lot of positives to writing scenes in this way but that didn’t stop me from feeling weird about it. I probably read only one scene like that in my life. Before that, I saw it only a few times in movies and it made me go hmmm. I felt it was something that wasn’t really talked about or done. It wasn’t presented as an alternative to sex or even an option. I thought if I were to write the scenes I wanted to, people who read them would say, “Why don’t they just fuck already? What the fuck am I reading? This is so weird.”

I projected all of my toxicity onto Jerry. It started out simple enough I heard a lot of jokes as a kid that went, you must have known your husband was “gay” because he liked your finger up his ass. Because all women that enjoy receiving oral sex are “lesbian” right? (I hope you saw the sarcasm in that) Then I noticed there weren’t a lot of heterosexual married couples in movies having non vaginal intercourse. Sometimes you could see the couple in the “doggystyle” position but the wife was still being penetrated in her vagina. When I saw the other form of intercourse it was gay men or people not in love. I think that had a lasting effect on me. But what was worse is that I watched a movie with a BDSM theme. The woman worked as a dominatrix (hated her job btw) and her male partner confessed to her that he liked to be penetrated and dominated. Her reaction was so verbally abusive it was disgusting. Instead of thinking you are a horribly abusive person and he needs to leave you I internalized it as oh I guess it’s really not okay for men to want that. I have struggled with internalized homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia. I have dealt with it all. I just didn’t have the tools back then to see things as they are. An abusive woman who had a very illogical view of the world and a media that didn’t have the imagination or the knowledge of what sexual relationships could be.

These are the general reasons why I wrote: "The Playhouse" with such problematic themes and why I have decided to no longer continue those themes.

The lesson I learned from this was to not project my toxic shit onto my characters and make them act in ways that are not authentic to who they are. I give myself the permission to write what makes me happy and fulfilled.

DEAN: What you need to know: Dean has internalized homophobia due to childhood trauma. He was taught if a man is penetrated by a person of any gender they will instantly become homosexual and not a man.

As a young boy Dean was told by his mother don't be a f...well, I'm sure you can guess what she said. All his life he was reprimanded (sometimes with hitting) for behavior that was too "homosexual" Behaviors like, crying, telling someone he loved them and showing emotion. As he got older his so called friends just made his internalized homophobia worse. He was terrified that he wasn't masculine enough and that he had to be a man like they said or else be nothing. Along the way Dean was taught the rules, he lives his life by:

A man never says "I love you" even to his own family

A man never ever says "I love you" to another man

A man never lets anyone see him cry or be emotional

A man must keep people at a distance

A man has sex with women and has sex often

A man has a wife and children and whatever he can get on the side

A man can do "guy stuff" with other guys as a form of bonding or just a quick way to get off.

A man does not suck cock

A man can get his cock sucked by another man and be secure in his manhood because he is in the active "manly" role

A man must never ever under any circumstance be penetrated by anyone even himself. A man must not fantasize or actively desire to be penetrated otherwise he is a homosexual and will no longer be a man. He will be nothing.

That is the reasoning for Dean's problematic and abusive behavior towards Jerry. He tries to control Jerry's sexual behavior and desires because if Jerry were to be homosexual Dean would have to end their sexual relationship (He could never think of ending their friendship). 

The truth is that in real life during the time Dean was growing up this was NOT the belief. It was believed a man could have anal sex with another man as long as he was the one doing the penetrating. This meant he was in the active "male" role. It was actually preferred to penetrate a feminine homosexual man because they were believed to not be men and to be a third gender. Jerry is bisexual, not homosexual but close enough to be a PERFECT candidate. The only worry Dean would have is hurting his pally that first time. They could happily fuck for the whole ten years of their partnership and Dean would think of himself as nothing but the picture of masculine heterosexuality.

and of course

YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX YOU WANT AND MOST CERTAINLY MASTURBATE IN THE WAY MOST PLEASURABLE TO YOU WITHOUT AFFECTING YOUR SEXUALITY JUST AS LONG AS YOU DON’T CAUSE HARM TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS.

What you need to know: Dean is emotionally and at times verbally abusive to Jerry and arguably to his wife Betty as well.