#and after learning about the statistical impossibility of weight loss I felt the same way about being fat

[blujayonthewing]

'well of course fad diets don't work' -- guy on keto

[prettywordsyouleft]

Chosen

Summary: After losing his soulmate, Jackson focused on improving the lives of others as a doctor so no one would have to face loss like he had. He didn’t believe that being one of the minority was a bad thing, though he was lonely until he realised he had you.

Pairing: Jackson Wang x reader. Featuring Park Jinyoung.

Genre: soulmate au / angst / romance

Warning: there is minor darkness with the mentioning of death in the beginning.

Word count: 5456

This is part of the Destined world. You can read this without the knowledge of the series, but to tie it altogether, I recommend reading the others in the series linked below.

Destined series: Destined // To Love You // Forever

Like most people, Jackson wanted to meet his soulmate. Growing up, he was blessed with watching his parents love each other entirely and teaching both him and his older brother to believe in the inexplicable love that came from crossing paths with your soulmate. Although he wasn’t expecting his soulmate to be the catalyst to making his life the best it could be, he had always believed that when he met the one destined for him, things would become that much better.

And they really did.

He met Janie in his freshman year of high school on the first day of the term. There had been the magic he had heard from his peers that you felt right before you saw the person that matched you best, and then when Jackson had actually seen Janie, he knew she would shape him in so many ways. It was crazy how much they had in common, both enjoying sports and music. She was bold in ways he wasn’t and pushed Jackson to be more than what he was already. He knew he could meet all of his goals because of her endless encouragement. Jackson now saw his entire future ahead with Janie at his side, and although they continued to enjoy the carefree nature of being teenagers in love, often they would sit together and talk about everything they wanted right up until they were old and grey. It was exciting to think of having such a prosperous future and knowing any adversity he would face, would be overcome with Janie at his side.

Or so he had thought. Jackson wasn’t ready for the pain of that future crashing down almost as fast as it had been spoken into existence.

“I’m sick,” Janie said through tears, her normally vibrant voice now barely a whisper.

“As in a cold? Baby, you should be in bed at home, not meeting me in the park like this!” he chastised, moving forward to comfort her. But Janie shifted back and shook her head, tears still falling from her eyes.  

It was hard watching her being admitted into hospital, her pallid complexion a far cry from her usual self. Yet, Jackson did his best to remain optimistic. He was always telling her she was in the best place for getting better, and there was high hope her illness would go away with surgery. Even though he was scared to let her go as she was wheeled into the operating room, he had sat with her parents, holding onto hope that she would return to him in better health. They could face this together, even if it meant being delayed in their studies. Jackson knew he would do anything to help her heal and move on from this moment in life.

When he had seen her eyes open for the first time in recovery, with a small smile playing on her lips, Jackson was immediately relieved. Janie grew stronger over the next month and was discharged from the hospital, both excited to return back to school, to learn more about the world they would live together in. But it was only a glimpse of happiness in his tragic love story. He knew something was immediately wrong, stirring awake in the middle of the night with tears in his eyes. Racing towards her home, Jackson arrived just in time to see the paramedics wheel someone out in a body bag.

His world collapsed then.

For some time, Jackson did nothing but sit in his bed. He couldn’t eat, sleep, or even think of anything to make him want to carry on without Janie. And then from sheer exhaustion, he collapsed, dreaming of the girl he loved with every fibre of his being. Janie reappearing in front of him, even as an illusion, was enough to propel him forward, to look into why she had died. She had been on the mend, and her checkups indicated her condition was improving, not deteriorating. Jackson searched for answers, and when he found things didn’t add up, he knew something had to have gone wrong within the surgery.

And they had. The doctor was soon charged with negligence, and for a brief moment, Jackson felt as though he had accomplished something.

It didn’t bring Janie back, however.

Eventually, he had to return to school. Everything he had been working towards had Janie laced into it, making it impossible to think of a career in music or sports. He lost his drive for those passions yet one day in science class, his interest was piqued on the topic of maintaining a strong focus on controlling the environment to allow no errors to occur within an experiment. It was then when he found a new calling. He couldn’t bring back Janie, but he could prevent others from suffering the same extreme grief and loss he faced.

And that’s why Jackson Wang became a doctor.

“How are we doing today?” he mused, looking down at his tablet for the vitals of the patient and then back up at the woman. “Still feeling a little bit of pain?”

“Not as much now that you’re here,” she claimed and Jackson shot her a wink.

“I think that might be the morphine you were administered a wee while ago, don’t you think?” he suggested with a chuckle, before leaning in closer. “But I’ll take it as a compliment to my good looks, shall I?”

“Doctors should be more like you,” she said with a giggle, soon wincing when the pain of her laughter took a hold of her.

“Making their patients laugh and hurt themselves?” He shook his head, pouting for effect. “I don’t want to be a doctor like that. I’d much rather be good at healing you!”

“You make being stuck in here that much better, doc,” another patient called out within the ward room and several hums in agreement followed.

Jackson grinned. “And you all make my job that much easier by getting healthy, so please, focus on that and not on me.”

“Can’t help it if you’re attractive on the inside and out,” another exclaimed and Jackson grinned, shooting a fake arrow in her direction before clasping at his own heart.

“Oh, you know how to make me feel good, ladies! I’ll have a skip in my step for the rest of the day!” he enthused, kicking up his heels for their entertainment before heading back out on his rounds. Once he was done, he stopped at the nurses’ station and sighed dramatically. “Another day where I’m just on top of my game.”

“And another day where we have to hear about your ego,” the fellow doctor filling in a file beside him mused, and you smirked from your seat in front of both of them. His colleague turned to face him. “Did someone insist you have the best ass in the business again?”

“Jealous they haven’t said it about yours, Doctor Park?”

A ghost of a smile played on the doctor’s lips. “They’re too busy getting sound medical help from me. Not cupid’s arrows.”

“You saw?! It worked, didn’t it? You can’t say my patients aren’t comfortable!” he stated proudly and then glanced down at you. “Right, Y/N?”

You rolled your eyes but let your head nod once. “I’m with Doctor Wang on this one, sorry Doctor Park. The patients in Doctor’s Wang’s care are definitely cheerful.”

“You just keep the morale up, and I’ll keep healing everyone, shall I?” Doctor Park suggested, picking up his files and smirked before stepping away.

“As if you’re the best at being a doctor just because you get more surgical opportunities than me, Park Jinyoung!” he cried after the departing doctor and then glanced at you with a huff. “Always thinking he’s better than us all.”

“He is better than us all,” you mentioned with a smile and Jackson gaped at you. “He’s renowned for being the best doctor in his age group and field; you just can’t compete with statistics like that.”

“He’s also known for being an uptight asshole too,” Jackson murmured, and you reached out to pet his hand encouragingly. He smiled brightly down at you. “At least I have you to back me up.”

“Only because your patients are the liveliest in the ward.”

“Happiness and laughter are some of the best forms of medicine,” he said with a nod in your direction, pressing away from the counter and heading off to his office. Jackson’s smile remained on his face right until he was alone again, sitting at his desk and staring at the computer screen in front of him. No matter how much he laughed, he could never find the cure for his own pain.

The heart was a hard organ to heal.

When Jackson first became a doctor, he hadn’t been as jubilant. There was a lot to remember and he realised the first day on the job that what he had learned in theory now affected real, living people. The fear of making a mistake hounded him for weeks, whilst his colleague Park Jinyoung was acing every test placed in front of him. He hated feeling inferior to someone who had a severe lack of social skills. To Jinyoung, being a doctor was clearly calculating and methodical, and he had a vast knowledge to lean upon. For Jackson, his heart was deeply invested in making the right choice. And sometimes his rational thoughts weren’t listened to as quickly as they should have been.

“Are you really making such a rookie mistake six months into your placement here?! What were you thinking, Wang? A mistake like this could cost someone their life!”

You had found him crying on the stairwell, offering him a drink and then sitting down. “You need to find your place here, Jackson. You’re a fine doctor in the making, but sometimes you hesitate too much. It doesn’t give your patients confidence in your ability.”

“Maybe it’s because I don’t have any of my own. What was I thinking of becoming a doctor? I can’t save everyone. And then others will face the grief of losing someone like me and I can’t bear that weight,” he managed to say through his tears and you had reached out slowly, rubbing his back until his emotions stemmed.

“Did you lose someone?”

He nodded. “My soulmate.”

From that interaction, Jackson learned you hadn’t met yours yet. It seemed to ease him somewhat, finding someone within the workplace who understood how life felt without that special someone. Although he was certain Jinyoung hadn’t met his either, he couldn’t see himself opening up to the man. However, your advice did help Jackson find himself in the workplace. His confidence grew and he found his patients responded better to him if he was light in mood and full of smiles. He quickly gained the reputation of being the happy virus of the department, which helped Jackson move from strength to strength, enabling him to become the doctor he always wanted to be – someone who ensured every patient felt heard, treated with precision, and left after a good experience.

He also started a movement in the hospital of speaking up about being a minority. It gave Jackson another sense of his identity in finding fellow workmates that could understand the struggles of being in a world where everyone was searching for their fated partner. There was never any attention on those who didn’t get that happy ending, and the pity anyone sent his way always angered him. He supported those who hadn’t yet found their partner or had lost their soulmate, and a social club was quickly formed, meeting up at least twice a month.

It surprised him when you didn’t join. “I admire what you’re doing, but I’d be lying to myself if I was okay with not meeting my soulmate yet. Maybe in a couple of years, I’ll join in. Then I’ll have to register as a minority anyway.”

“I’ll welcome you with open arms if you need to join us, Y/N.”

“I know, and that worries me. Will you ever let go?” she teased, but there was a hint of something there, and Jackson would be lying if he didn’t find you attractive. You always held that barrier in place though, and some days he would be consumed with wishing you could accept him to love instead. He knew Janie would want him to move on with someone, but it couldn’t be just anyone in Jackson’s eyes. It needed to be someone who he felt he could choose to be happy with.

And that was you for him.

But he respected your stance and for a couple of years, you remained as good colleagues, working with each other well in the department and even out as friends. You never joined the social club outings, but you did go out with him for dinner or a movie now and then, giving each other that small window of relief from the loneliness that followed you both. After spending those nights with you and getting nowhere with how he felt, Jackson had a cycle of hitting up the clubs a lot of minority folk went to for a week after any time he spent with you in attempts to find someone to take his mind off of you. It never worked, no matter how much he tried to do so.

It surprised him when Jinyoung joined in for a change, however. “You’re truly a minority then!”

“What is so good about the hype here?” Jinyoung asked, sitting formally in his chair and eying the scantily clad women in poor taste. “Is this what is to come of my future?”

“Loosen up, doc, it’s just a bit of fun.”

Despite his protests, Jinyoung started joining Jackson and his friends on further outings and for a while, Jackson was able to forget about that last date he had with you. The one where he wanted to take you home but felt too gutless to ask you to come with him. He knew you had been registered as a minority recently, yet you didn’t talk about it with him and he didn’t really broach the topic with you either.

“Same time, tonight?” Jinyoung asked as he approached Jackson standing in his usual late morning spot, leaning against the nurses’ station counter top and discussing patients with you.

Jackson glanced at you before turning to the doctor. “Wow, you’re really getting into the swing of things, huh?”

“I just want to know if we’re on or not. It’s fine by me if we don’t go.”

“Go where?” you asked, your curiosity piqued. “Since when do you both hang out together out of work?”

“Since Jackson brought me dinner one time, I was impressed,” Jinyoung mentioned to you graciously and Jackson scoffed loudly.

“When did I buy you dinner?!”

“I didn’t think you wanted Y/N to know of the places we have been going to,” Jinyoung said with a sigh, shrugging lightly. You blushed at his directness. “You have no tact in saving face, Doctor Wang.”

“I’ve never needed to!” he cried after the departing doctor and grumbled under his breath. “Why has he started annoying me out of work too?”

“You and Doctor Park spend time together?” you asked tentatively, your forehead wrinkled as you attempted to figure what the men were doing in their free time. “You’re not still going to those strip clubs, are you?”

“No!” he exclaimed, darting his focus around the department at how loud your voice seemed. “I took him once, on my birthday.”

“You never told me it was your birthday then.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to know,” he mumbled and you stared up at him, your expression confusing him. “Did you?”

“Well, it’s too late now,” you admitted, your face falling. “Enjoy your night out with Doctor Park, Jackson.”

He wasn’t enjoying the night out. In fact, Jackson had been replaying the morning scene over and over in his head, and nothing that the club had to offer could settle him in any way. Jinyoung was already well on his way to becoming intoxicated and so were his other friends. The alcohol in Jackson’s cup sat untouched, unwanted by him. Even though he needed the image of you to fade from his mind, he knew getting drunk wouldn’t take you away. It would only make him want you more.

Jackson craved you like no other right now.

“I need to go,” he stated, standing up, only to sit right back down again when his motivation wavered.

“Then why did you sit down?” Jinyoung asked, grinning at him lazily. “Are you hesitating over Y/N again? Just admit you like her.”

“I do like her.”

“Why don’t you do anything about it? She’s a minority now. You told me yourself, it’s time to get a minority woman of my own. Why haven’t you bothered to follow your own advice? Too gutless, huh?”

“I am not.”

“Don’t be a coward, Jackson,” Jinyoung urged, sounding more lucid than he had all night long. “Don’t do things you’ll regret.”

Jackson stared at the doctor for some time, Jinyoung’s dark gaze sad and broken. He knew how that felt, but it also seemed different somehow. Like there was more to Park Jinyoung’s situation than Jackson knew about.

He stood up again and Jinyoung cheered loudly. “That’s it, go to her.”

Jackson didn’t stop until he was in front of your apartment’s door, sucking in a deep breath before knocking on it loudly. He didn’t wait long before knocking on it again, desperation for you to appear taking over. He went to knock once more when the door finally opened, your eyes widening as you tightened your robe around your body. Taking in your appearance, he grimaced. “Did I wake you?”

“No, I was just watching television,” you mentioned softly. “Are you okay, Jackson?”

No, he wanted to tell you. But the word wouldn’t fall out of his mouth. He stared at you, trying to understand why you kept pushing away from him when he wanted to hold you. When he wanted to make sure you knew how he felt. Without much more thought, he grabbed at your face, kissing you hard. He knew it was unfair of him to make such a move without asking you first, but he was done waiting for you. Tonight, he’d find out if you truly felt something for him or not.

And with the way your lips started moving against his, he soon knew the game you had both been playing over the past few years meant something. Deepening the kiss, he slowly pushed you backwards, kicking the door closed behind him. Jackson had only been in your apartment one other time, yet he had no problems finding your sofa, both of you sitting down on it without breaking the kiss. He started tugging at the belt on your robe, the buttons on his shirt somehow already undone by your swift fingers, which now dragged over his skin hungrily. It was when his own started on your pyjama top when you pulled away, panting heavily. “We need to slow down.”

“We’ve been moving at a snail’s pace for years, Y/N. I can’t keep letting you go anymore.”

“It’s not like I want to stay away from you either.”

Jackson frowned. “Then why do you?”

“I haven’t met my soulmate yet,” you told him, turning to look away from him. “I don’t want to fall in love with you and then stumble across this predetermined human who will make me forget all about you. You’ve already suffered from one loss before.”

Although Jackson hadn’t gone into great detail about Janie with you, he knew you were talking about her. He blinked rapidly, his gaze falling to the carpet beneath his feet. Logically, he knew you were trying to save his heart. But he was sick of others, and of some fate that kept trying to decide for him. He knew he wanted to be with you. The future was never set in stone; he’d learned that the hard way. Why couldn’t he be happy now, with you?

One look in your direction showed your barrier was back up again. He got to his feet. “Why don’t you just admit you’re too scared to give yourself to me?”

“Jackson, you know it’s not…”

He didn’t wait to hear the rest, shutting the door on his way out with a bang.

The next morning, he didn’t come to rest at the nurses’ station after his rounds. And the following day, he was quieter than usual. His patients picked up on his mood, all asking him where his smiles were. Whenever he tried to smile, it felt faker than usual on his bad days. And so he just went about his work quietly, opting to study for his thesis instead of assisting one of the head doctors of the department in the operating room.

There was a knock on his door and he didn’t look up until you were standing in front of him. He diverted his gaze back to the textbook he had been reading. “Yes, Nurse Y/N?”

“Several of your patients are concerned about you today,” she mentioned quietly. “They’re wondering if there’s something they can do to cheer you up.”

He didn’t answer, though the thought of some of the ladies in one of his wards sitting there worrying about him did make him let out a small breath of air.

“I’m sorry if I’ve-”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to explain yourself any further than you already have,” he intervened, attempting to smile at you. It sure didn’t feel like he had succeeded but he pressed on anyway. “If you have nothing work related to discuss with me, Nurse Y/N, I’d like to be alone.”

“Right, of course,” you replied too quickly, heading for the door to his office with haste.

Jackson hung his head, wondering if Jinyoung had been right at all in pushing him. He couldn’t tell if he regretted his move with you or not.

It was tense between you for the next few weeks. Sure, Jackson had returned to his jovial self in front of his patients, his loud voice and laughter heard from all corners of the department. Work-wise, he was on fine form. But those who knew him could see it was all for show.

“Didn’t it work out?” Jinyoung asked as he came into his office, searching Jackson’s stack of textbooks for the one he required.

“The surgery went exceptionally well. Patient-”

“Between you and Y/N,” Jinyoung corrected and Jackson bit back the rest of his sentence.

“You know how it is, not everyone is meant to have a happy ending.”

“She likes you a lot though,” the fellow doctor mentioned, his brows furrowed as he tried to figure it out. Jackson felt exhausted by the conversation already. “Why is she holding back?”

“Because she hasn’t met her soulmate yet,” Jackson announced, sounding too airy with such a sentence. Jinyoung sighed heavily. “Could you imagine being our age and still thinking you had someone out there?”

“Some people do,” he said in a small voice, causing Jackson to look in his direction. Jinyoung plucked out the book he was looking for. “I wouldn’t give up. Feelings can overcome adversity, you know. If I had the chance you do, to show the person I thought of often, I wouldn’t let her slip through my fingers like this.”

“Big words for a guy who…” Jackson trailed off when he recognised that same pained expression in Jinyoung’s eyes. “You did something stupid, didn’t you?”

“The worst thing you could do to another person is reject them when you have the opportunity to make something work, Jackson. I’m just saying Y/N has feelings for you. Don’t let her back away from you because of someone who hasn’t arrived in her world. Ask her questions; see if she really has a soulmate to wait on.”

“Questions like what?”

Jinyoung smiled, reaching over to pat his colleague on the shoulder. “You told me about Janie one night when you’re drunk. You know what a soulmate feels like and the inexplicable feeling you were consumed with when you lost her. Maybe she’s experienced something like that and didn’t know what it meant. Fight until there’s no room left to express yourself. If there’s anyone I know who is ruled more by their heart than their head, it’s you.”

Jackson mulled over Jinyoung’s encouragement for the rest of the day. By nightfall, when his shift was over, he found himself standing in front of your door again, this time knocking with much less force. He was prepared tonight and would hold his physical desires at bay until he knew they were reciprocated by you.

“Jackson,” you said, staring at him wide-eyed when you opened your door.

“Can I come in?”

You nodded softly, stepping aside and then closed the door behind him. Unlike last time, he waited awkwardly before you offered for him to take a seat, whilst you went into your kitchen. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Only if you are going to,” he decided and you returned with two glasses of juice. Taking his, Jackson smiled after taking a sip. “Did you switch to organic?”

“It is crazy that you can tell so easily,” you mused, nodding your head all the same. “I like this brand.”

“It is good juice,” he agreed, taking another sip and feeling the conversation peter off in doing so. Jinyoung’s words resurfaced, and he took a deep breath. “I was wondering if you would be open to hearing about my life story. If you would like to hear about my soulmate?”

You blinked and then placed your glass down, pondering his suggestion for a moment. You then nodded softly. “I would like that.”

Jackson told you everything. He mentioned how it felt when he first met Janie, some of the great things about being with her, and some of the small nuances that he never quite liked about having a predetermined partner. At the time, Jackson had loved Janie with his entire heart and soul. With time to review his experience, and with age, he had discovered some aspects about having a soulmate that he didn’t quite like. He told you it all. By the time he reached the part about Janie’s death, he was crying, and so were you. It was still hard to speak of the person he had thought would be his everything forever. But Janie had been gone from his side for so long now. He deserved to have the chance to move on.

When he fell silent, you wiped back your tears, biting at your lip before shifting over to the sofa and sitting beside him. “That feeling… of knowing something was wrong before you found she was gone, I think I felt it.”

“What?” Jackson stared at you, blinking several times. “You said you were waiting for your soulmate. If you felt it, then you would know you wouldn’t see them.”

“I knew,” you admitted quietly. “I’ve known for a year now.”

“Then why did you…”

“You were right. I was scared. Of course, I took my time to grieve. Doesn’t everyone? We’re all raised to believe our lives are only right if we meet our soulmate. And I failed to meet mine. I didn’t like the idea of not being able to succeed in life. Then I realised after my initial grief that I was living the life I had always wanted to. I have a great job, and I see miracles performed around me all the time. I’ve helped give new leases on life to many patients, and I have the best support system in my family and friends. And I have you.”

Jackson’s eyes widened when you finished on him, yet he waited for you to continue.

“I liked being around you at work in the beginning. You’re so much fun with the patients, and you make everyone smile. But you’re also very competent. You discover things that other doctors don’t straight away. I’ve always felt a sense of pride in seeing you succeed and find yourself as a doctor.”

“I didn’t realise you paid so much attention to me,” he told you and you nodded weakly.

“Because I paid so much attention, I realised I was starting to like you. But at that point, I hadn’t felt that loss of a soulmate so I just told myself I was lonely. And all the occasions we went out together, I would convince myself it was okay to have fun with a friend. But deep down, I was viewing them as dates.”

“Me too.”

“When I realised there was no soulmate for me, I was insanely happy. Because it meant there was you. I could finally reach out to you and not worry that someone would take you away from me. I wanted to choose you, and not live by some fated life where a stranger would become my everything. I already felt strongly about you. But then I realised how scary it was to make a choice. With a soulmate, you can’t avoid those feelings. What if how I felt now somehow died off over time? What if something happened to you and I lost you too? The difference about losing my soulmate was I never saw him. But I know you. I see you; I can reach out right now and touch you. I can tell right now how much I like you, for being you and not because my soul craves you. I crave you. And losing you would be devastating since I chose to like you.”

Jackson shifted closer, cupping your face in his hands. “You know we can’t control the future. Look at us both; we never got to keep the people we were meant to have. I’ll always cherish Janie, and I’m sure you’ll always wonder who that person was for you. If we allow them to define us forever, isn’t that more of a tragedy? Not allowing ourselves to love someone for who they are, or to seek our own happiness whilst we still can. Don’t you think that’s a bigger waste than worrying about the what ifs?”

It was you who kissed him this time. Jackson was stunned when he felt your soft lips upon his, yet it didn’t take him long to reciprocate your approach, a fever taking over you both. Hands roamed and skin was exposed with ease. When your lips fell away from his after the bountiful kisses that had followed one after the other, you climbed to your feet, reaching for his hand and tugging him along to your bedroom. He hovered above the bed that you got onto; hesitating despite the beautiful view he had of you right now.

“Are you sure about this? We just admitted to our feelings tonight. I don’t want to rush you.”

“What, should we wait five weeks?” you teased, before moving onto your knees and reaching out to pull him closer. “I’ve waited over two years for this moment, are you really going to make me wait longer?”

“It was you who turned me down the last time,” he reminded as he climbed onto your bed, his confidence returning.

“So call me a fool,” you breathed, gripping at him tightly. “At least we got here in the end.”

After unbridling the pent up passion, Jackson held you in his arms, his hand running through your hair over and over. You snuggled into his bare chest and placed a small kiss on the skin by your mouth. He sighed in content. “Who knew it would feel that good?”

“You mean, even with all those years of partying-”

“I waited for the right person,” Jackson confessed, leaning down to kiss the crown of your head. “I wanted to choose someone I knew would love me in all the right ways.”

“And do you think I’m that person?” you asked, sitting up so you could look him directly. Despite the room being only illuminated by the moonlight filtering in through the curtains, he could see the warmth in your eyes. He noticed the hope that resided alongside the passion and excitement that made your gaze glisten. You were so beautiful in that moment; he couldn’t help but take your lips in his and claim them for the umpteenth time that night.

“Mm,” he hummed when he pulled back, brushing your hair away that had fallen into your face. “For as long as we have together, I know it’s only you for me now. I’ve chosen you.”

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[kiruuuuu]

Well, @thedragonsarealive, I can’t deny Bandit has grown on me over time. And thank you for your nice words, I love you too!! ❤❤ I hope to have done your request justice :) (Rating M?, angst all the way, ~1.3k words)

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They said it’d get better. They said to just give it time. They said he’ll learn how to cope.

They were wrong.

It’s a hole in Jäger’s life, a rip in the fabric that holds his everything together, his thoughts, actions, personality, all of him. Threads are sticking out and his grief is a little kid, curious and utterly unaware of the damage it’s doing. It pulls on them one by one, identifies the loose ones and tears them out, discards them, unbothered, then hunts for the next one. The weave is coming undone, too big for simple stitches, and the child never sleeps, only pulls. It’s only a matter of time until it finds the seams.

A hole only becomes meaningful through the absence of something, the lack of a certain thing that’s usually there, that’s to be expected in a place like this. It’s innately troubling and in his case, it wears the shape of someone he needs to forget, someone who won’t return to jab Jäger with his ice cold feet in the morning, won’t ever drink too much again, won’t save his life, keep him company, chase away his nightmares anymore. He has no eyes, so he can’t not take them off Jäger, not even for a second, keep him in his peripheral vision at all times. He has to watch his own back now.

Thinking about him hurts. Thinking about all the things that sparked fierce adoration, an almost religious devotion in Jäger that he identified much too late as the feeling it actually is aches so much that he caves in under the immense knowledge, the truth too grand and impossible to fully understand, the fact too horrific to grasp. Bandit wouldn’t want him to distort his image anyway, wouldn’t want to be given virtues he never displayed. He’d want to be remembered just the way he was, with all his faults and flaws, all the things that drove Jäger up the wall, about which they’ve had loud, ugly arguments. If he’d been only that, maybe it’d be easier. But he wasn’t. He was so much more.

It’s been months. The first casualty in Rainbow, the first to die in the line of duty. It was quick and probably unbelievably painful, a crash during a chase, and if Jäger was a pious man, he’d maybe call it divine retribution that the vehicles he loves so much took the one thing from him that he can’t fix, not even with every tool in the world available to him. The one thing that he loved even more than them. By now, according to everyone around him, he should be done mourning. These things happen. It’s actually astonishing it’s the first time it happened, but it had to hit someone, right? That’s statistics. Someone was bound to die. Sucks for him that it was Bandit.

Half a year should be enough to get over him. Not fully, they always hastily reassure him, he’s going to feel this loss for the rest of his life, as if that would make him feel better, but he needs to move on. The world needs saving. They have to do their jobs. Maybe, if it’d been someone else, Jäger would try to cheer up whoever was closest to them as well, maybe he’d even be spouting the same rotten, stinking, pus-filled bullshit, smiles lined with relief thank fucking God it wasn’t me or anyone I care about, and whenever it happens he feels like throwing up again. He did that a lot. He’s lost even more weight now.

He’s probably not alone in this. Blitz wears a haunted look sometimes that doesn’t suit him, though he seems to turn it off and on at will, glossing over it in the presence of others and allowing it to show when he deems himself unobserved – like an animal he’s not supposed to keep but has to let out now and then or else it starts gnawing and scratching up its cage. The frequency, however, has decreased over time. Blitz still sometimes catches himself starting to say Bandit’s name, sometimes Jäger does, too. Mute presents him with his newest technical menace and the first thing that pops into Jäger’s head is I need to show this to Bandit. Twitch asks him to go out for drinks and his first urge is to invite Bandit along. He’s bored, suddenly finds himself in his staircase, upbeat and full of anticipation when he remembers that there’s no one to drive his boredom away now.

Blitz and IQ dive into work with an unhealthy level of purpose that Jäger observes, puzzled. His entire energy has vanished, there are days on which he barely leaves his bed, finishes the half-empty water bottle next to it, nibbles on crackers or just forgets to eat at all. His blinds stay down so he can pretend it’s always night. He feels a little better about sleeping so much. His teammates are overcome with the need to distract themselves and be productive, work themselves to exhaustion, IQ sometimes not even noticing when her hands are bleeding. Jäger doesn’t need any of that. He’s plenty exhausted already.

At first, it was sympathy piled upon him like gold, as if they thought he could use it as currency to bribe someone, anyone, to lessen his sorrow. It decreased after a bit, made way for advice that felt like rocks hurled at him after he asked for gravel, meant helpfully yet only leaving bruises and unusable to him at this point in time. Now, it’s mostly nothing. Either that or insincere words that are somehow worse than the rocks because they don’t even carry the intention of benefiting him.

One suggestion that keeps popping up is that he needs to get back on his feet, meet new people, enrich his life somehow. Taking up a new hobby is an unscaleable obstacle and so he decides on heeding this other piece of advice, ventures out alone, even dresses up for the occasion and heads to a place in which neither he nor anyone else he knows has ever been. Unsurprisingly, instant regret washes over him, he associates loud music and low light and alcohol on everyone’s breath with Bandit, but even though he’s painfully tangible, it turns out it’s almost soothing to imagine him here, whispering filthy things in Jäger’s ear, keeping his eye on him, holding him impossibly close and wait, no.

That’s not Bandit doing any of those things.

He’s being dragged outside, must’ve responded positively to the touches of this guy he’s never seen before and whose name he didn’t catch. The manhandling doesn’t seem passion-induced but rather cold-blooded, goal-oriented – it’s a burly dude who doesn’t seem willing to take no for an answer. He’s not going to stop, that much is obvious.

If Bandit was here, he wouldn’t have laid a finger on him. If Bandit was here, he’d be smashing that guy’s face in despite being shorter and thinner, he’d turn into a rabid animal, fighting dirty, slamming his opponent down into the mud, breaking a rib or two, his hand as well for good measure, just grind his heel into the delicate bones, kick his face and spit on him while he’s howling in pain.

He’d do all that but he’s not here, so Jäger has to.

The guy isn’t whimpering now. He’s just lying there, half in a puddle of god knows what. Bandit would drag him away now, kiss his cheek and shove one of his hands into Jäger’s back pocket but he’s not here. So Jäger leaves, alone, without checking for a heartbeat.

[sawcolor91-blog]

hello?

Is blogging still a thing? I wouldn't know.....it's been a while, hasn't it? This corner of the Internet has been dark for so long I may have forgotten what I'm doing, and I often wonder, why write? Who is reading--and who cares what I have to say? Why have I been putting myself out there for so long?

My second semester of nursing school brought with it paper after paper--millions of words written late at night on mostly-boring subjects, all of which had to be carefully formatted and cited--two things that will eventually suck the soul right out of a girl. Every corrected paper came back the same--top marks for research, presentation, flow, grammar, a bunch of other boring technical stuff (except my in-text citations--I've decided I really hate APA format), and always a comment scribbled large in red, "but I can still hear your voice". So I tried my hardest to write like a robot, presenting only facts stripped of all creative thought. And finally, after enough papers, I feel like they finally stifled my voice.

The last few months I've had ideas fill my brain--it's always overflowing--usually late at night or when I'm out on the trail. I'll jot down a note on my phone or in a little journal I have, but I can't seem to turn them into anything more than just a thought. They sit there like seeds that haven't been watered. I've slowly started sorting through some of those seeds, seeing if I could make sense of them--taking time to water and find a warm spot in the sun so they can grow.

So I've been writing a little here and there--in the quiet hours of the morning, and slowly piecing together thoughts to share again. This space is so outdated and dusty--links are old and broken, there are many questions unanswered, I know. Sometimes I feel like torching the place and starting fresh.....but for now, here's a very brief update from the last 6 months. If you follow along on my instagram (@_sheenarae) then nothing is probably new to you, but for the rest of you, I present to you: 

January-June 2016 (abridged version)

January. 

Started the year in Montana, atop a frosty butte. A new semester. Hospital clinicals--placed some IVs, pulled some staples, changed bandages on an amputated leg. Watched people come out of anesthesia which is super entertaining! Gave an enema on my birthday. Yeah--I turned 33, it wasn't my favorite birthday this year--the winter was long and dark and I was like, "HOW DID I GET SO OLD?!" We climbed a lot at the gym, went south for a weekend to get on some real rock, and took advantage of all the snow--the kids are skiing like champs! 

February. 

uhhhhh......haha I can't remember much.  I think there was.....snow? My head was buried in those aforementioned papers. I played weekly pond hockey with some awesome mamas in the valley. Traded my running shoes for cross country skis. We headed south again for an icy cold campout (like frost on my sleeping bag in the morning, icy cold). Jonah got glasses. Climbed some more....

March.

Clinicals at the State Mental Hospital--I learned aLOT.....but I'm glad that's over with--phew! Robby and I took a weekend date down to St. George (more on that later). I teamed up with my friend Mike Butler and he got me lifting weights and eating waaaaayyyyyy more protein. I have been a pretty scrawny runt my whole life and I've been working hard these last few months to get stronger so I could improve my climbing--it's working! (Mike is awesome by the way if you want to reach out to him for your own weight loss/weight gain program, check out his website!) So yeah, lots of weights, more paper writing, tests. Easter was in March so I got dressed and did my hair--go me!

April. 

I took an online Statistics class that I kind of forgot to pay attention to (I need deadlines), so April was all about learning what Statistics is (still don't know), so I could ace my final and be done with it forever (did it!) Jonah turned 11 (how?!) We got some more baby chicks. I stressed out over finals. We ran away to the desert again and ate at my very favorite restaurant in the whole wide world.

May. 

I finished my first year of nursing school and didn't die! I've been out of school since early May--and it's been the BEST! I started my pre-requisites for nursing school in January 2014 and have not had a lot of time off since. The first summer I had a few classes, and then last summer I had to take my TEAS test to try and get into my program, and then I had to apply, interview, stress stress stress. Then I got IN, and had exactly one million things to do over the summer to get ready for school to start--it never felt like a true vacation with all the deadlines weighing me down. So these last few summer weeks have been nothing short of the best days ever. I've been running, biking, climbing, camping, trying to keep the weeds from taking over my garden (it's impossible), and just hanging out with my family. Robby and I see each other again--our school/work schedules were so conflicting I felt like we would sometimes just wave in passing, but now we even go on real live dates.

June.

Kids out of school! We've been to the desert, I took the kids to Montana, and we are loving summer evenings outside. Lucy got her cast off from her broken arm in May--she also turned NINE!

Biking is fun, and so are strangers who forgot to say "look here" when they take the photo. I forgot how much I love zipping through the trees on my bike.

Backyard jam sessions....

Early morning climbs with my girls....

   ....and now, we are ready for July! Consider yourself officially updated, and maybe next time I'll dive into those seeds I have growing.

Thanks to the one person (mom) who read through this! Talk soon

*I have so many unanswered comments on here--sorry about that! I really have not been around. I also have over 3000 unread emails.....whoops. While most of them are ads and what not, some of them are from YOU GUYS, and I'm sorry, I've just had to really prioritize my life this past little while and all things internet-involved are pretty far down my list. Thanks for always being here though!

*I get lots of questions about why I'm not posting recipes anymore. We really keep our meals pretty simple and most of what we eat is already on my blog. I just haven't had any extra time to develop anything new, let alone take pictures of it. When in doubt, make eggs!

*I always get such a great response when I post the gear we love and use--I will continue to do that, and I apologize for old links that may not be taking you where you want to go. I will try to get an updated gear list for you soon!

*If I get enough questions on this post, I can do another Q&A post like I've done in the past. 

SaveSave

Source: http://inthelittleredhouse.blogspot.com/2016/06/hello.html

[kraftdinnermac]

- INCOMING LONG AND EMOTIONAL POST -

I am completely devastated, and not entirely sure where to begin…

I guess I’ll start where it all began: when I was 5 years old my brother brought home a CD that was dominating the charts upon its release, that album was Linkin Park’s “Hybrid Theory”. As the youngest child, I always had great fun stealing my older brother’s things, and one of my favorite things to take from his room was easily this CD. It was the anthem of my entire upbringing and completely shaped the foundation of my musical tastes today. That album, still to this day, remains my most listened to album on this earth. Hands down.

I was so captivated by Linkin Park and how unique they were. They had rapping, turn tables, samples, screaming, and heavy guitar riffs. They were arguably the most innovative band that I still have ever encountered. They broke through barriers viciously and with full force. In the beginning no body liked them, and no body wanted to sign them, and they would try to change their band by saying “no screaming” or “no rapping”, but they stood true to themselves and proved everyone wrong, and showed the world that they were legends.

Chester Bennington was the first screamer I ever came to love. Before I even really knew what metal music was, or especially what scream vocals were and how they could sound good, I was obsessed with Chester. His screams sound like he has 3 different pitches being sung at once, and his soft clean vocals sound so gentle they could put you to sleep. Even from a young age I knew this man was talented, and I simply couldn’t get enough of him.

Flash forward to today. I still site Linkin Park to be one of the biggest influences on me in terms of musical taste, I still know Hybrid Theory and Meteora back to front, upside down and backwards, and I still get goosebumps whenever I hear Chester sing. I still find myself going back to watch some live videos, particularly their “Live in Texas” DVD performance, where 15 minutes into the concert Chester is already completely soaked in sweat because he’s giving it 110%. I am forever feeling nostalgic when I hear Chester’s voice, and I still enjoy him just as much today.

I literally can’t express enough how big of an influence Linkin Park has had on my life, and Chester specifically as well. I remember whenever I used to draw people when I was young and I would always deck them out in tattoos and piercings, I would always draw red and blue flames on their wrists, just like Chester had. I also remember how I always wanted to wear my hair spikey, and Chester was probably 75% of the reason why. As much as I loved the entire band, and each member for their own reasons, Chester always stuck out to me and always caught my attention. Even today as I am trying to teach myself to become a screamer, I am often going back to Chester’s tracks for inspiration and guidance.

Today I learned that Chester Bennington committed suicide, and it felt like dunking my head under freezing water. I was completely shocked and frankly couldn’t believe that it was true. I heard the news within minutes that it hit the internet, and for the following hour or two I was scavenging articles to see if there were any more sources to confirm this. Sadly, I then stumbled across a tweet by Linkin Park band mate Mike Shinoda who confirmed that it was true. My stomach sank.

There have been many celebrity deaths to happen in my day, some more painful than others, but I have to admit this easily takes the cake. Chester was so close to me, so important and so significant. To me he was untouchable, he was an icon that was simply too talented and too amazing. To think that probably one of my biggest hero’s since I was 5 years old was still vulnerable to pain and suffering to the extent he was, and to be driven to such a horrific end, it was nearly impossible to imagine. But it was true, regardless of what I thought or how I felt, it was all true. For the first time with any celebrity death, this one left a hole somewhere.

Chester passed away on July 20th, 2017, the day that would’ve been Chris Cornell’s 53rd birthday. For those of you who don’t know or are unaware, Chris Cornell was a singer (Soundgarden and Audioslave) who died by suicide on May 18 of this year, just over 2 months ago. Chris was a very close friend to Chester, and it was clear he was deeply impacted by the loss of his friend. Not long after his passing, Linkin Park performed “One More Light”, a song off their May album by the same name, live on Jimmy Kimmel in memory of Chris. The lyrical content of this song is about “who cares if one more light in the sky goes out” which of course is a metaphor for someone dying, in which Chester responds “I do”. It’s a beautiful song and given the meaning of the performance it was incredibly powerful. Chester was choking up during his performance; you could see his tearing eyes hiding behind his sunglasses, and you could see his mouth shaking as he tried not to break down. The entire performance was incredibly moving.

Statistics have shown that when someone commits suicide, their family, friends, and loved ones become at greater risk of suicide themselves due to the inability to cope with the loss of a loved one. It pains me so much to see how this is most likely what happened to Chester. By listening to his lyrics over the course of his career, it’s obvious Chester was no stranger to pain, but for his passing to happen the day of Chris Cornell’s birthday…I truly believe that this “second hand suicide” was the case, which saddens me so much.

I had such a difficult time trying to choose the best song to accompany this post. Entire songs and lyrics have been racing through my head ever since I heard the news. Truthfully, I could choose a good number of songs that would suit this post; however, instead of choosing my favorite Linkin Park song, or choose the one single that everyone will seem to recognize, or Chester’s favorite Linkin Park song (Breaking the Habit), or even their current single from their new album One More Light,“Heavy”, which talks about carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and how he can’t seem to just let it all go (such a sad song and now it’s even more sad given his passing…), I eventually decided to use this song: Leave Out All The Rest (from their album “Minutes to Midnight”)

Every single lyric in this song speaks to all of us about what has happened right now. As I listen to Chester sing the chorus…

“When my time comes; Forget the wrong that I’ve done; Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me; And when you’re feeling empty; Keep me in your memory; Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest”

…I can’t help but picture him singing this to all of us from above. Almost as if he’s comforting us all in this time of grief and suffering. It’s a message to all of us to remember the good things about one another. Every word of this song resonates with this horrible tragedy; and I don’t know about you but I think it’s incredibly overwhelming.

Chester Bennington was an absolute icon to not only me, but to millions of others. Without Chester and Linkin Park music would not be the same today, and that involves other genres than rock/metal. The influence Linkin Park has had on the music industry is unmeasurable, spanning across decades. The role that Chester played in Linkin Park and their success was absolutely huge, and it’s impossible to properly gauge how much of a loss it is for this world to lose such an incredible, smart, funny, and talented human being. He will be missed profoundly by myself and millions others all around the world.

If you ever have thoughts of suicide, or know somebody that does, or even if you’ve just thought about the option harmlessly a few times, please please please don’t hesitate to reach out! Talk to a friend, a family member, a teacher, a mentor, a coach, a family friend, or call one of the many help lines out there. (Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 - Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868) You are not in this alone, and mental illness can be beaten!!! And if you are someone who has a friend or loved one who you think may be suicidal or going through intense hardships with mental illness, reach out to them! Tell them how much you appreciate and love them, and reassure them of how important they are in your life. Even if it’s just a quick and harmless text, saying “I care about you” just once could decide the difference between life and death.

I know this was a very long post, and if you made it this far then i thank you sincerely for taking the time to get through all of this. I wanted to keep this post as brief as possible, but with the way that I explain myself, and the level of impact this news has had on me, there was no way I could contain this to a simple paragraph. So again, thank you.

I love you all, you are all beautiful. We’re going to get through this life together!

Rest in peace, Chester Bennington. An undeniable legend! March 20th, 1976 - July 20th, 2017

[titansmama]

A couple years later.

Hey y’all 👋🏼

It has been two years since my entry. The outpouring of love I received and the way the post blew up after my initial share still stops me in my tracks. I’ve seen people sharing it again recently so go figure, here I am! It just goes to show there truly are people with unconditional love in their hearts and I am so thankful to know them and be a source of reference in their fight to advocate for things not everyone can understand. That being said, it only makes sense to recognize the other side of the attention I have received following my “coming out”, if you will. I’ve been told I was wrong and that there is a special place in hell for people like me. I’ve been asked about my stance on murder. I’ve heard things like “Oh, I could never do that but I respect your strength”. I’ve been called a baby killer and then blocked on social media, you guys. I’d be lying if I told you hearing those things didn't shake me down because they did and I was ANGRY. I was so angry that I made my blog private for damn near a year because it sent me running with my tail tucked in shame. I’m not angry anymore because I’ve come to terms with the fact that people will always fear what they don’t understand and fear sometimes manifests itself in hostility. Furthermore, no longer am I ashamed. I can say the words I couldn’t before- I had an abortion. Am I proud of it? Fuck no. Would I do it again? Maybe. Probably. Terminating my pregnancy with Coen was one of the single hardest decisions of my existence to date and I will always struggle with wondering if I played the right cards. Even still, I will use my experience to shout at the top of my lungs that I am thankful to live in a place where I was given a choice. And that’s just what it was- a choice. Having an abortion was a decision I made but it is not who I am. I am not a killer. I didn't "change my mind". I am one of many mothers who walk this path who loved and wanted her son.

I wanted to pop in and follow up because it has been hard for me to sit quietly while I watch my peers spew hateful words all over the internet. I have never wanted to overrule another’s thought process with my story because even if I don’t agree with you, I will respect you. I have only wanted to tell it because it deserves to be told- to be heard and listened to and to shed light on what this really feels like. This does not feel good. Sometimes his name feels foreign to me and I can't even say it. Sometimes the ache of missing him reaches so deep that I'm sitting on that ultrasound table again. Most times though, I can put one foot in front of the other because I know my heart and I know I am a good mother. There isn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do for my children.. even if that means making unimaginable judgment calls. I remember being the mother who miscarried, looking at women like me in disbelief. How could someone abort when there were so many like me who wanted nothing more than to hold their baby? I remember denying genetic testing when I was pregnant with Titan because I had no interest in what that testing had to offer. It didn't make a bit of difference to me if he had a disability because I was going to love him through it. I went into that delivery blind as a bat because it didn't matter. Probably a bad call on my part knowing what I know now but its where I was at that point and after all of that, I can't put into words how it felt to transition from this person who did not believe in terminations to this person who was suddenly given an option. Me? Nah. You weren't ever going to catch me in a clinic like that. But you know what? I ended up right where I said I'd never be and I'll tell you why. I checked in at the outpatient center that morning because I love my kids. On that day I loved Coen so much that I couldn't stomach the thought of the life that was destined for him. I couldn't bare knowing that the few moments I would hold him in my arms would be painful. On that day I loved Titan so much that I didn't want to ever explain to him that his brother wouldn't be coming home with us. I loved my family as a whole so much on that day that I couldn't rest knowing the road that was laid before us and follow it knowing where it would end. I know, I know. Faith, right? It is easy to talk about faith when it isn't the only thing you have to rely on. I'm not saying that I don't have it. I do. I struggle with it but it is there. Even being a believer, I am also a human being who is filled to the brim with imperfection and mistakes - just. like. you.

We aren't here to judge, guys. I terminated my pregnancy because my son was sick. He wasn’t going to make it and although there are people who don’t agree with that, most do. That is one of the soft spots that can be forgiven. But why? Why is it okay for me but it isn't okay for the woman who never wanted children with a a failed birth control method? For the woman in an abusive relationship who doesn't want to bring a child into a world where that happens? The woman who is broke, unstable, paycheck to paycheck? I know all of the answers to these questions. Adoption. Don't have sex. More birth control. But this is our reality, guys, and as sad as it is it will not change. Abortions will still happen. Unsafely, at that. Babies will still be born and abandoned. Children who are placed for adoption will not always find a nice family. Of course these scenarios vary case to case, no doubt, but true nevertheless. I am not a politician and I will admit that I do not know everything there is to know about politics. I can always stand to learn more. That being said, we all know what this is about- I realize 38 weeks is a long time and I get it. Titan was born at 37.5 beautiful, full grown weeks and I GET IT. Hattie was born at 38 chunky, full term weeks and I GET IT. Believe me, I fully understand the issue there. How could you, right? But you know, I also understand what it feels like to be the statistic. Being the statistic is painful, heart wrenching and absolutely life changing. It is wrong to look at these women and assume these decisions were made easily and without hesitation. It is wrong to look at these women and point your finger. It is wrong to label them and I believe in my heart that even the woman "who just doesn’t wan't her baby" still struggles. But faith, right? Does your faith not tell you to love thy neighbor? Becky across the street may have had an abortion but that will not affect your judgement day. I guarantee the way you loved her will though.

When I tell you these experiences are life changing, I do not say that lightly. I am now the mother of a child who has been remembered at a balloon release, remembered next to a bush planted in my back yard and exists in a Nike shoebox filled with momentous at my bedside. I am not the same. My life today compared to my life previous to Coen is not the same. I don't know how to explain the change to you other than to tell you how afterward, colors didn't seem as bright as they once had. Things didn't taste the same. Sleep didn't bring rest and laughter didn't always mean joy. My heart was shattered and my soul was stripped bare. These decisions we make as pregnant women affect our entire lives. Do you hear what I said? These hard, impossible decisions we make as women affect our ENTIRE lives. I still delivered the most beautiful baby girl- 9 lbs and 13 oz of pure and absolute perfection. She brought me the reasoning I yearned for and God, how I love her. She is so completely loved by all of us. It took me a while to dig down deep enough to admit that May 2016 was a turning point for me. I started to notice I was different but didn't know why until one day I realized the answer to that why was me. It was ME refusing to acknowledge my hurt. I talked about it and I shared my story but I still refused to feel any of it. I questioned everything I knew to be true and the exhaustion that came with simply carrying on sometimes felt like the weight of the world. My experience woke me up to the cruelty of the world. Reality, for lack of better words, and how the picture and plans we have for our lives can be so easily shifted and rearranged- and it all starts with a choice. My anxiety was relentless and the fog came slowly but when it finally settled it was thick. For the most part I am still trying to maneuver my way out of it while becoming more aware of my journey as it progresses. After Coen I was no longer a stranger to grief, anger or loss. I've felt all of it and I still feel it all. Maybe I always will. I’m glad that I can finally say that I feel it but I am not ashamed because even if no one else does, I know me. I am a mother who LOVES. I love my children up and down, back and forth, to the end of the world. I am also a mother learning to love myself and part of loving myself has meant, to me, sharing my story and speaking out.

There are so many women out there like me and if you are one of them I want you to know that I love you, mama. I know what you did, for whatever reason, was hard and I know how people can make you feel. If you are not like me and you are reading this, I challenge you to speak a little softer and attempt to understand. Really understand. Be kind with your words, guys.​

[yogurtcut5-blog]

hello?

Is blogging still a thing? I wouldn't know.....it's been a while, hasn't it? This corner of the Internet has been dark for so long I may have forgotten what I'm doing, and I often wonder, why write? Who is reading--and who cares what I have to say? Why have I been putting myself out there for so long?

My second semester of nursing school brought with it paper after paper--millions of words written late at night on mostly-boring subjects, all of which had to be carefully formatted and cited--two things that will eventually suck the soul right out of a girl. Every corrected paper came back the same--top marks for research, presentation, flow, grammar, a bunch of other boring technical stuff (except my in-text citations--I've decided I really hate APA format), and always a comment scribbled large in red, "but I can still hear your voice". So I tried my hardest to write like a robot, presenting only facts stripped of all creative thought. And finally, after enough papers, I feel like they finally stifled my voice.

The last few months I've had ideas fill my brain--it's always overflowing--usually late at night or when I'm out on the trail. I'll jot down a note on my phone or in a little journal I have, but I can't seem to turn them into anything more than just a thought. They sit there like seeds that haven't been watered. I've slowly started sorting through some of those seeds, seeing if I could make sense of them--taking time to water and find a warm spot in the sun so they can grow.

So I've been writing a little here and there--in the quiet hours of the morning, and slowly piecing together thoughts to share again. This space is so outdated and dusty--links are old and broken, there are many questions unanswered, I know. Sometimes I feel like torching the place and starting fresh.....but for now, here's a very brief update from the last 6 months. If you follow along on my instagram (@_sheenarae) then nothing is probably new to you, but for the rest of you, I present to you: 

January-June 2016 (abridged version)

January. 

Started the year in Montana, atop a frosty butte. A new semester. Hospital clinicals--placed some IVs, pulled some staples, changed bandages on an amputated leg. Watched people come out of anesthesia which is super entertaining! Gave an enema on my birthday. Yeah--I turned 33, it wasn't my favorite birthday this year--the winter was long and dark and I was like, "HOW DID I GET SO OLD?!" We climbed a lot at the gym, went south for a weekend to get on some real rock, and took advantage of all the snow--the kids are skiing like champs! 

February. 

uhhhhh......haha I can't remember much.  I think there was.....snow? My head was buried in those aforementioned papers. I played weekly pond hockey with some awesome mamas in the valley. Traded my running shoes for cross country skis. We headed south again for an icy cold campout (like frost on my sleeping bag in the morning, icy cold). Jonah got glasses. Climbed some more....

March.

Clinicals at the State Mental Hospital--I learned aLOT.....but I'm glad that's over with--phew! Robby and I took a weekend date down to St. George (more on that later). I teamed up with my friend Mike Butler and he got me lifting weights and eating waaaaayyyyyy more protein. I have been a pretty scrawny runt my whole life and I've been working hard these last few months to get stronger so I could improve my climbing--it's working! (Mike is awesome by the way if you want to reach out to him for your own weight loss/weight gain program, check out his website!) So yeah, lots of weights, more paper writing, tests. Easter was in March so I got dressed and did my hair--go me!

April. 

I took an online Statistics class that I kind of forgot to pay attention to (I need deadlines), so April was all about learning what Statistics is (still don't know), so I could ace my final and be done with it forever (did it!) Jonah turned 11 (how?!) We got some more baby chicks. I stressed out over finals. We ran away to the desert again and ate at my very favorite restaurant in the whole wide world.

May. 

I finished my first year of nursing school and didn't die! I've been out of school since early May--and it's been the BEST! I started my pre-requisites for nursing school in January 2014 and have not had a lot of time off since. The first summer I had a few classes, and then last summer I had to take my TEAS test to try and get into my program, and then I had to apply, interview, stress stress stress. Then I got IN, and had exactly one million things to do over the summer to get ready for school to start--it never felt like a true vacation with all the deadlines weighing me down. So these last few summer weeks have been nothing short of the best days ever. I've been running, biking, climbing, camping, trying to keep the weeds from taking over my garden (it's impossible), and just hanging out with my family. Robby and I see each other again--our school/work schedules were so conflicting I felt like we would sometimes just wave in passing, but now we even go on real live dates.

June.

Kids out of school! We've been to the desert, I took the kids to Montana, and we are loving summer evenings outside. Lucy got her cast off from her broken arm in May--she also turned NINE!

Biking is fun, and so are strangers who forgot to say "look here" when they take the photo. I forgot how much I love zipping through the trees on my bike.

Backyard jam sessions....

Early morning climbs with my girls....

   ....and now, we are ready for July! Consider yourself officially updated, and maybe next time I'll dive into those seeds I have growing.

Thanks to the one person (mom) who read through this! Talk soon

*I have so many unanswered comments on here--sorry about that! I really have not been around. I also have over 3000 unread emails.....whoops. While most of them are ads and what not, some of them are from YOU GUYS, and I'm sorry, I've just had to really prioritize my life this past little while and all things internet-involved are pretty far down my list. Thanks for always being here though!

*I get lots of questions about why I'm not posting recipes anymore. We really keep our meals pretty simple and most of what we eat is already on my blog. I just haven't had any extra time to develop anything new, let alone take pictures of it. When in doubt, make eggs!

*I always get such a great response when I post the gear we love and use--I will continue to do that, and I apologize for old links that may not be taking you where you want to go. I will try to get an updated gear list for you soon!

*If I get enough questions on this post, I can do another Q&A post like I've done in the past. 

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Source: http://inthelittleredhouse.blogspot.com/2016/06/hello.html