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sickhumor · 4 years ago

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Jokes for the more mature reader (dated humor)

On the ﬁrst day of school, the college dean addressed the freshman class to explain some of the campus rules. “The women’s dormitory is off-limits to male students and the men’s dormitory is off-limits to female students,” he intoned. “Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the ﬁrst time, $60 the second time and $180 the third time. Does anyone have any questions?”

A male student raised his hand. “How much for a season pass?”

_______________________________

A ﬂea had oiled up his little ﬂea legs and his little flea arms and was soaking up the Miami sun when an old ﬂea friend of his walked by. “Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the first ﬂea when he saw how terrible his friend looked——runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering.

“I got a ride down here in some biker’s mustache and nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the ﬁrst ﬂea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the ﬂea saw Oscar again, looking more chilled and miserable than before. “I did everything you said,” Oscar explained. “I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off.”

“And so?” asked the first ﬂea.

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

________________________________

When does Michael Jackson’s kid know that it’s time to go to bed?

The big hand touches the little hand.

_________________________________

An old lady—a spinster and a virgin, and proud of it—lived in a tiny village. She knew her last days were approaching, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

Not long after she had made her wish known, the old maid died peacefully in her sleep. The undertaker told the stonecutters of the lady’s request. The men, practical to a fault, thought about the inscription and concluded that it was unnecessarily long. They wrote simply: RETURNED UNOPENED.

__________________________

RECORDED MESSAGE OF THE MONTH!

“Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.

“If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

“If you are codependent, please ask someone to press two.

“If you have multiple personalities, please press three, four, five and six.

“If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line until we can trace your call.

“If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

"If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.”

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What’s a female bisexual?

A lesbian with car trouble.

_________________________

While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. He gasped and bent down. “Are you hurt?” he asked.

“Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once.”

____________________________

A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking. “Mommy, what are you doing?”

“Um,” she stammered, “well, Daddy is so fat that I’m bouncing all the air out of him.”

“I don’t know what good it’s going to do," the boy replied. “The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!”

__________________________

The young woman complained to her friend about her boyfriend's extraordinary sex drive, “I barely have the strength to go to work in the morning." she said. “Now that he's off on holiday. things will only get worse."

“How long is he off?" the friend asked.

“It varies," she replied, “but usually, time for one cigarette."

______________________________

One morning, a Texan walked up to his savings-and-loan branch office and found it closed. After several minutes of pounding on the door, the manager appeared. "We’re closed!" he shouted through the glass.

“But your sign says you’re open nine to ﬁve," the customer replied.

“Those aren’t our hours. Those are the odds we'll he open tomorrow."

_____________________________

As soon as the famous movie director passed through the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him they had a ﬁlm they wanted him to direct. The director tried to beg off, pleading exhaustion, but Saint Peter explained that this was a very special ﬁlm—the script was by Shakespeare.

The director was tempted for a moment but declined. Then Saint Peter said the art direction would be by Da Vinci. The ﬁlni maker warmed considerably to the project but again decided against it,

“The music will be by Beethoven," Saint Peter added.

“Screenplay by Shakespeare! Production design by Da Vinci! Original score by Beethoven!" the director exclaimed. “I'll do it!"

“There's just one thing." Saint Peter said. “God has this girlfriend who sings. . . ."’

_____________________________

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy After examining it, he called the curator Ola prestigious natural-history museum. “I’ve just discovered a three-thousand-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

"You can’t know all that from looking at ‘him," the curator replied. “Bring him in. Well see."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, “10,000 SHEKELS ON GOLIATH.”

_______________________________

What's the difference between a terrorist and your wife?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

_________________________

A geneticist believed he had discovered a method for putting the theory oi human cloning into practice. He decided to clone himself ﬁrst. Everything went perfectly except that, through some minor miscalculation. his clone was rude, vulgar and foulmouthed. When he was unable to correct the problem, he threw the offensive clone out his laboratory window. The following day, the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

___________________________

A man walked into a Porsche dealership, opened the door of a Boxster, took a seat behind the wheel and smiled. A salesman approached and asked, “Are you thinking about buying this car?”

“Oh, I’m deﬁnitely going to buy this car,” he said, “but I’m thinking about pussy.”

____________________________

Dave arrived in hell and was told he had a decision to make. He could go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to capitalist hell. He asked the ﬁrst man he met, “What’s it like in there?"

“Well, in capitalist hell,” the man replied, “they ﬂay you, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and slash you with sharp knives.”

“That’s terrible!” gasped Dave. “I’m going to check out communist hell.” There he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. He pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing in people. Dave asked what communist hell was like.

“In communist hell,” Marx said, “they ﬂay you, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and slash you with sharp knives.”

“But that’s exactly the same as capitalist hell!" protested Dave.

“True,” sighed Marx, “but sometimes we don’t have oil, and sometimes we don’t have knives.”

_______________________________

What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?

No one cries when you cut an accordion in half.

_________________________

Billy Bob parked his rig in Florida for a few days before driving back home. He was about to dive into the surf but ﬁgured he’d better check out the alligator situation with the townsfolk. “Nope, no gators here,” a local assured him.

Billy Bob had swum out 50 feet before his brain kicked in again. “Hey, how come there ain’t no gators in here?” he yelled back to the guy onshore.

“Because they’re afraid of the sharks,” came the reply.

_____________________________

The high school student spent most of his afternoons in the basement mixing chemicals. One day his father went down to ﬁnd his son surrounded by racks of test tubes and pounding something into the wall. “Danny, don’t put nails in the wall,” his father admonished.

“It’s not a nail, Dad,” the young man explained. “It’s a worm. I found a formula that turns things as hard as a rock.”

“Tell you what, son,” the man said with sudden interest. “You give me the special formula and I’ll buy you a car.”

The next day when Danny got home from school, he saw two brand-new cars in the driveway. “Dad, what are these?” he asked.

“Oh, they’re for you, son,” his dad said, smiling. “The Toyota’s from me. The Mercedes is from your mother.”

_____________________________

What’s the difference between a dentist and a sadist?

A sadist has newer magazines.

__________________________

The couple had broken up but remained friends as well as neighbors in the same apartment building. Some months after their split, the two met in the elevator. The woman’s ex had his arm in a cast. “Is there anything I can do to help?” she asked sympathetically.

“Well, if it’s not too much trouble, would you help me take a bath?”

She agreed, and back at his apartment, she eased him into the tub and began to wash his back. As she lathered his chest she noticed his growing erection. “Now isn’t that sweet,” she cooed. “It still recognizes me.”

___________________________

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, “Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

“Sure,” the tattoo artist said. “But if you don’t mind me asking, why did you choose those two designs?”

The lady smiled. “My husband,” she explained. “He says there’s never anything to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!”

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lifeaftermeteor · 4 years ago

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Private Island [location redacted] Fiji, South Pacific 18 August 211

Relena stood before the mirror as her mother secured the string of pearls around her neck.

As Mareen stepped away with an appreciative hum, Relena took a moment to study her reflection. Her honey blond hair had been twisted into soft curls and then pinned up to prevent the sea breeze catching them. Her dress was short and only came to her knees, layered with tulle and lace. Her shoes were simple but stylish, fitting for their private event and a day at the beach. She smiled and turned to face her entourage, placing her hands on her hips and striking a pose. “What do you think?”

Amidst the unanimous approval, there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” Relena answered, smoothing her hands down the dress.

At the entreaty, Heero stepped into the room but stopped short, eyes wide at the sight of her. “Wow,” he managed, but didn’t move from where he stood.

“Come in, Heero,” Mareen told him, and Heero—seemingly embarrassed, judging by the pinched look on his face—quickly shut the door as instructed.

He took a few hesitant steps forward and opened his mouth to say something...but nothing came and so he snapped it shut once more. Relena watched the muscles in his jaw twitch a moment longer before she closed the distance that separated them. Only then did she register the glass bottle clutched in one of his hands. She smiled at it and took his free hand in hers.

“You’re beautiful,” he said, voice soft, almost reverent.

Relena bit her lip and smiled as she felt her cheeks start to burn. “Thank you,” she said and gave his hand a squeeze.

They studied each other for a time, both of them wound up with emotions they couldn’t name. But then Heero took a shuddering breath and seemed to gather his composure once more. “For you,” he said, passing her the bottle.

Relena took it with a soft laugh and opened it, unfurling the message.

---

Ich liebe dich

---

She read the words [1] and felt herself tearing up. Sniffling, she crossed to a nearby chair and sat down, taking several deep breaths amidst the concerned queries from her friends and family around her. They were getting married. He loved her. He loved her and they were getting married...today. Relena looked up to find Heero’s blue eyes looking a bit tearful as well. “I love him,” she told him, “so much.”

Heero replied, “I know. So does he.”

Relena nodded and closed her eyes, taking several deep breaths to calm herself while the others waited quietly. She was thankful for it. She didn’t think she would be able to keep herself together if they had swarmed her with their love and assurances. Taking a deep breath, she dabbed carefully at her eyes and twisted open the pen. “Sally, Heero. I’m going to need help with the reply.”

*****

Wufei glanced up as the door to their de facto dressing room opened and Heero entered, shutting it behind him and holding the glass bottle aloft. “You were gone longer than I thought you’d be. Sorry about that.”

“No, that was on me,” Heero said, shaking his head. “Mostly.”

“‘Mostly?’” Wufei asked, an eyebrow quirking at his runner as he approached.

Heero gave him a secretive smile as he passed Wufei the bottle. “You’ll see soon enough.”

Wufei watched him with wary eyes as Heero turned away and walked across the room. He took a seat near Trowa who was going over the final technical checks of his camera while Quatre hovered at his shoulder watching the process unfold.

Left to his own devices for a time, Wufei uncorked the bottle and unspooled the note. Relena had responded to his earlier sentiment in kind. [2]

---

我爱你

---

They were the tentative strokes of a novice and yet Wufei couldn’t tear his eyes away, warmth spreading through his chest and into his cheeks. She loves me, he thought, overcome.

From behind, thin arms wrapped around his waist and a pointed chin rested on his shoulder. Wufei’s grin widened. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Duo echoed, clearly reading the note too.

“She writes like you,” Wufei teased, trying to stave off the tears that pricked at the back of his eyes.

Duo snorted. “No awards for penmanship,” he said, giving Wufei a squeeze before withdrawing.

*****

The group had assembled on the first floor balcony, which overlooked the plantation gardens below. Chairs had been brought outside from the house and adorned with flowers from the landscape that surrounded them, lined up in short rows to form a makeshift aisle that led to the porch railing. The wedding party had all foregone color-coded attire, but Wufei’s entourage had dressed sharply in vests and slacks all the same.

At the end of the short aisle that connected the house to the bannister, Wufei fidgeted and Duo smirked from where he stood beside him. The moment before the moment of truth was always infinitely more painful. And Wufei was never really one for patience.

Duo let his eyes wander to the other guests while seconds ticked by. Trowa flitted about, snapping photos while Quatre had tucked himself in securely at Heero’s side. Hilde meanwhile was chatting amicably with Sally and Une. Mareen and Noin were presumably just inside with the bride. He smiled again and tightened his grip on the materials in his arms as a stray breeze swept across the balcony.

As it died down once more, the double doors that led back into the house opened and Relena stepped outside into the warm afternoon sun. Dress soft and delicate, smile wide, she was a sight to see. To his left, Wufei expelled a shuddering breath and Duo chanced a glance his way. The man was starstruck, cheeks flushed and eyes tearful and Relena approached down the aisle, a small bouquet of flowers clutched in her hands. She had eyes only for her fiance. Duo grinned. “Hold it together,” he hissed at Wufei, whose only visible reaction was to snap his mouth shut.

A small eternity swept up the aisle with Relena as she walked, and yet time seemed to rush up to them like a tidal surge. What had been ‘future’ was suddenly ‘now’ and as Wufei took Relena’s hand in his, bringing her up beside him, Duo swallowed down the familiar taste of panic.

Instead, he grinned through it and snuffed it out before it could take him. He smiled wide and welcoming as the two lovebirds struggled to remember that there was in fact a ceremony to be had. Duo took that as his cue to begin. “I don’t think I have to tell anyone why we’re here today, so we’ll skip that part of this morning’s daily briefing if that’s alright with you.” The comment earned knowing chuckles from the guests and good natured eye rolls from the couple before him.

“I will say, however, that out of everyone here to share today with you, I’m the lucky one who actually gets to marry you. That’s a high honor coming from you both—one I didn’t anticipate—so thank you, for your trust.

“Thank you also for adding a new qualification to my resume, since I did have to get certified for this in order for it to be legal under ESUN law, after all. I took this task very seriously. I even studied! I studied harder for this than I think I ever have before,” he said and finally righted the materials he had till now clutched to his chest, revealing a stack of books. They were dog-eared with colored page markers sticking out in every conceivable direction, and included a menagerie of materials. Half a dozen religious texts intermingled with the likes of Sun Tzu, Karl Marx, and Plato.

Incredulous laughter at the collection burst first between the couple and then outward across the guests to others. As their mirth simmered down once more, Duo said in all seriousness, “But when have any of us ever played by the book?” In the expectant silence that followed his question, he looked first at Relena, then at Wufei….and after a beat, chucked the books over his shoulder and the balcony railing behind him to fall with much commotion into the underbrush below.

Dusting his hands off, he settled his gaze once again at the couple before him. “So here’s the real deal…”

*****

“That was an excellent speech. I thought for sure Wufei would cry before he even got to his vows,” Sally said, sipping champagne as she watched the newlyweds slow dance on the stone patio in the garden, lost in their own world.

“It was an excellent speech,” Mareen agreed. She turned to Heero then and gently probed. “Relena tells me you’re a writer. So...be honest. How much of the ceremony was Duo and how much did you help with?”

Heero shook his head. “That was all Duo.” He took a sip of his own drink and added, “He wrote four different versions. Ended up delivering a fifth.” He squinted into the empty space before him, thinking. “I’m beginning to wonder why his creative process requires such levels of improvisation.”

Trowa chuckled where he loitered nearby. “Don’t know what you need till you get there,” he answered, hefting his camera and aiming it in their direction. “Smile you three. But not in a fake way,” he instructed, snapping the shutter closed a second later.

*****

“I wasn’t sure if you’d make it,” Quatre said as he took a seat on one of the garden benches next to Duo.

Duo huffed a dry laugh. “I could say the same about you,” he said, throwing back the rest of the contents of his glass before leveling Quatre with a face that spoke to his concern. “You looked a little peaked earlier. You alright?”

Quatre nodded with a sigh. “Yes, I’m fine. It’s just…” He waved his hand before him, non-committal and aimless.

Duo watched the gesture for a bit before suggesting, “The miasma?”

When Quatre looked his way again, he found Duo biting his lip between his teeth in a poor attempt not to laugh. Quatre smirked. “Yes, let’s go with that.” This did earn him a laugh from Duo and he felt the man’s tension subside somewhat. Quatre smiled.

*****

Noin stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and sighed, her cheeks puffing out as she did so. She had fled back into the house when she felt the tears coming and was thankful for the reprieve. And angry that she had cried at all. The one saving grace was that the light outside had finally faded with sunset and was now too dim for any of the guests to notice.

She would not let them know. This was their day and she wouldn’t allow herself to be the source of bitterness, especially not when there was nothing any of them could do.

Noin sighed again, her red eyes staring back at her through the mirror. She wouldn’t let them know how much it hurt...to not have a happily ever after of her own.

*****

Merriment made the hours bleed lazily into the evening, the wedding party surrounded by laughter and music. Food and drink and good company. But after a time the furtive glances Relena had shared with her husband were no longer scratching the growing itch. Taking his hand in hers, she passed a look to her mother—who only smirked in acknowledgement—and fled their reception for a more...personal celebration.

She pointedly ignored the cat calls that followed at their heels and whisked her husband off to their bedroom.

[1] Ich liebe dich, “I love you” in German. In LAM!verse, Sanq speaks a German dialect.

[2] 我爱你 (wǒ ài nǐ), “I love you” in Mandarin

#gundam wing #snippet saturday #wufei x relena #relena x wufei #it's their wedding day!!!!

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