#and added the message “welcome back karl marx”

[dont-tell-my-mom-im-here]

I swear every episode with Ten and Rose is just her going: "Hi, I'm Rose Tyler. Did you know that you have rights? Constitution says you do!" And the aliens are just like: "Lady this is Fijebsisbdhakkakdbfhu, we don't have a constitution."

[sickhumor]

Jokes for the more mature reader (dated humor)

On the first day of school, the college dean addressed the freshman class to explain some of the campus rules. “The women’s dormitory is off-limits to male students and the men’s dormitory is off-limits to female students,” he intoned. “Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time, $60 the second time and $180 the third time. Does anyone have any questions?”

A male student raised his hand. “How much for a season pass?”

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A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms and was soaking up the Miami sun when an old flea friend of his walked by. “Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the first flea when he saw how terrible his friend looked——runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering.

“I got a ride down here in some biker’s mustache and nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again, looking more chilled and miserable than before. “I did everything you said,” Oscar explained. “I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off.”

“And so?” asked the first flea.

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

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When does Michael Jackson’s kid know that it’s time to go to bed?

The big hand touches the little hand.

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An old lady—a spinster and a virgin, and proud of it—lived in a tiny village. She knew her last days were approaching, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

Not long after she had made her wish known, the old maid died peacefully in her sleep. The undertaker told the stonecutters of the lady’s request. The men, practical to a fault, thought about the inscription and concluded that it was unnecessarily long. They wrote simply: RETURNED UNOPENED.

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RECORDED MESSAGE OF THE MONTH!

“Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.

“If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

“If you are codependent, please ask someone to press two.

“If you have multiple personalities, please press three, four, five and six.

“If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line until we can trace your call.

“If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

"If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.”

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What’s a female bisexual?

A lesbian with car trouble.

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While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. He gasped and bent down. “Are you hurt?” he asked.

“Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once.”

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A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking. “Mommy, what are you doing?”

“Um,” she stammered, “well, Daddy is so fat that I’m bouncing all the air out of him.”

“I don’t know what good it’s going to do," the boy replied. “The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!”

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The young woman complained to her friend about her boyfriend's extraordinary sex drive, “I barely have the strength to go to work in the morning." she said. “Now that he's off on holiday. things will only get worse."

“How long is he off?" the friend asked.

“It varies," she replied, “but usually, time for one cigarette."

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One morning, a Texan walked up to his savings-and-loan branch office and found it closed. After several minutes of pounding on the door, the manager appeared. "We’re closed!" he shouted through the glass.

“But your sign says you’re open nine to five," the customer replied.

“Those aren’t our hours. Those are the odds we'll he open tomorrow."

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As soon as the famous movie director passed through the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him they had a film they wanted him to direct. The director tried to beg off, pleading exhaustion, but Saint Peter explained that this was a very special film—the script was by Shakespeare.

The director was tempted for a moment but declined. Then Saint Peter said the art direction would be by Da Vinci. The filni maker warmed considerably to the project but again decided against it,

“The music will be by Beethoven," Saint Peter added.

“Screenplay by Shakespeare! Production design by Da Vinci! Original score by Beethoven!" the director exclaimed. “I'll do it!"

“There's just one thing." Saint Peter said. “God has this girlfriend who sings. . . ."’

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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy After examining it, he called the curator Ola prestigious natural-history museum. “I’ve just discovered a three-thousand-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

"You can’t know all that from looking at ‘him," the curator replied. “Bring him in. Well see."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, “10,000 SHEKELS ON GOLIATH.”

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What's the difference between a terrorist and your wife?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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A geneticist believed he had discovered a method for putting the theory oi human cloning into practice. He decided to clone himself first. Everything went perfectly except that, through some minor miscalculation. his clone was rude, vulgar and foulmouthed. When he was unable to correct the problem, he threw the offensive clone out his laboratory window. The following day, the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

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A man walked into a Porsche dealership, opened the door of a Boxster, took a seat behind the wheel and smiled. A salesman approached and asked, “Are you thinking about buying this car?”

“Oh, I’m definitely going to buy this car,” he said, “but I’m thinking about pussy.”

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Dave arrived in hell and was told he had a decision to make. He could go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to capitalist hell. He asked the first man he met, “What’s it like in there?"

“Well, in capitalist hell,” the man replied, “they flay you, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and slash you with sharp knives.”

“That’s terrible!” gasped Dave. “I’m going to check out communist hell.” There he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. He pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing in people. Dave asked what communist hell was like.

“In communist hell,” Marx said, “they flay you, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and slash you with sharp knives.”

“But that’s exactly the same as capitalist hell!" protested Dave.

“True,” sighed Marx, “but sometimes we don’t have oil, and sometimes we don’t have knives.”

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What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?

No one cries when you cut an accordion in half.

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Billy Bob parked his rig in Florida for a few days before driving back home. He was about to dive into the surf but figured he’d better check out the alligator situation with the townsfolk. “Nope, no gators here,” a local assured him.

Billy Bob had swum out 50 feet before his brain kicked in again. “Hey, how come there ain’t no gators in here?” he yelled back to the guy onshore.

“Because they’re afraid of the sharks,” came the reply.

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The high school student spent most of his afternoons in the basement mixing chemicals. One day his father went down to find his son surrounded by racks of test tubes and pounding something into the wall. “Danny, don’t put nails in the wall,” his father admonished.

“It’s not a nail, Dad,” the young man explained. “It’s a worm. I found a formula that turns things as hard as a rock.”

“Tell you what, son,” the man said with sudden interest. “You give me the special formula and I’ll buy you a car.”

The next day when Danny got home from school, he saw two brand-new cars in the driveway. “Dad, what are these?” he asked.

“Oh, they’re for you, son,” his dad said, smiling. “The Toyota’s from me. The Mercedes is from your mother.”

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What’s the difference between a dentist and a sadist?

A sadist has newer magazines.

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The couple had broken up but remained friends as well as neighbors in the same apartment building. Some months after their split, the two met in the elevator. The woman’s ex had his arm in a cast. “Is there anything I can do to help?” she asked sympathetically.

“Well, if it’s not too much trouble, would you help me take a bath?”

She agreed, and back at his apartment, she eased him into the tub and began to wash his back. As she lathered his chest she noticed his growing erection. “Now isn’t that sweet,” she cooed. “It still recognizes me.”

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A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, “Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

“Sure,” the tattoo artist said. “But if you don’t mind me asking, why did you choose those two designs?”

The lady smiled. “My husband,” she explained. “He says there’s never anything to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!”