#and above all it is self indulgent posting month. like every month

[pasdetrois]

ROS: What is your line? PLAYER: Tragedy, sir.

Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead Herman Melville, Moby Dick; or, The Whale

[ughdontbeboring]

pain relief

Austin Butler x WoC Reader (can be read by anyone)

Reader is trying to hide her chronic pain from her man

warnings: chronic pain (migraines), insecurities, smutty

THIS FOR ALL MY CHRONIC PAIN GIRLIES!!

notes: WOW even with all the Austin wips in my notes this is my first one to be posted, wow idk makes me nervous 😅 yall I hope I did our sweet boy justice.

No description of ethnicity one comment of complexion that’s it but reader when I write is always written with myself in mind. It’s soooo self indulgent.

this is SUPER self indulgent, So I first thought of this from his interview with Jimmy Kimmel when they asked about the migraines as an excuse not to have sex and of course his response was spot on he said “I don’t know what a migraine is” and Jimmy said “of cour you don’t” lmfao bc idk if I’d even turn him down if I had one!

I had a really bad period of back to back migraines for a couple months and this is what my brain rewarded me with in between one. I really don’t know what this is yall lol so don’t ask idk if I’m actually happy with it but yea lol

I put x reader but idk I guess it can tell be read that way, I don’t have the energy to re write it y’all so

now that I’m starting to feel better I will be catching up on my other wips.

if you like it, love it, fuck with it leave some love. I DO NOT give permission for my shit to be used anywhere by anyone.

🤕

Don’t focus on the pain, don’t focus on the pain she repeated over and over again in her head from under the safety of the soft cool cotton comforter as if it would keep away the pounding pain, protect her from it. 

It would not. 

Even with the house dead silent, the fan on for a little noise and all the black out curtains drawn that her boyfriend insisted he buy when he learned about her diagnosis from childhood- she knew relief would not find her. She shifted trying to readjust and find a more comfortable position to lay in, the little pocket above her head letting much needed cool air into her little bubble. 

She knew a few weeks ago she should have reached out to her neurologist but she’d just been so busy it kept slipping her mind and the aspirin had been holding her over but this? no this one was a monster and it was full peak right now. It started almost a day ago after the LA screening for The Bikeriders and had not gone away.

It didn’t help that they also just got back from the UK press tour. All the flying, the red carpets, the flashing lights and noise was starting to take its toll. Recently her boyfriend of just a little over a year revealed to her how much he enjoyed having her accompany him and how he loves sharing those moment with her. Hence all the traveling she’d done recently at his side. 

They still believed in healthy space but they truly enjoyed being together as much as they could. 

Usually she’d fly out every 2 or so weeks to wherever he was since her job was more flexible, their relationship was long distance since she was still living in New York. Which they’d also discussed changing that status but they both agreed to iron out the plans once the tour was over and he had a few weeks of down time. They figured the actual move would happen after he filmed in NY the end of summer. Knowing summer was her favorite time to be home, ever the thoughtful boyfriend. 

Though she was nervous to tell her family. They adored Austin but they’re a very close family and not seeing them everyday would take a lot of time to adjust to but it was important at this point in their relationship to actually be together. He even mentioned he’d love to look for a New York apartment which she had thought was unnecessary they could just stay with any of her family members when they visited until he reminded her she wouldn’t want her family to know she was his pretty girl who got cock drunk and loud when he fuck her stupid. Yes their own place was necessary. 

She felt a sharp pain at her temple and groaned. It was like her brain was telling her to stop thinking about all the stress and think about the pain she was in, which she didn’t want to do either honestly. She wish she could sleep it off but it was impossible. 

She flipped her pillow to the cool side and once again tried to empty her brain. Deep breaths girl deep breaths, the pain isn’t forever. 

She heard the front door slam shut up, which made her curl up even more in a fetal position and the deep smooth voice of her favorite person calling out to her. That voice was her favorite in the whole world but right now she needed silence. She had hoped the migraine would have been over by the time he got back but she wasn’t so lucky. Now she would have to face the music.

She had been telling him the past couple weeks it was just little headaches nothing serious, he knew she got migraines but hadn’t experienced any with her so far. The past 2 years she hadn’t needed to be medicated, the doctor couldn’t tell her why they suddenly stoped and why she was only getting little headaches every once in a while. This is why she was so unprepared and completely out of her medication she hadn’t needed in so long; she truly thought they had finally stopped for good. 

She couldn’t have been more wrong with the pain that was throbbing in her head. The front of her skull a constant ache and the back at the base of her skull and neck a wicked throbbing. The pain in her neck and shoulders unbearable even right between her eyes a sharp pain. She felt like she was dying. The fatigue of the attack her body was under was starting to catch up to her. She was trying to hold back the tears but the sound of boots pounding up the stairs along with the call of baby had her on the verge of a tearful melt down. 

She wanted to avoid the conversation that would surely come after this, when he would witness her in a peak migraine state. She felt horrible because she knew he’d feel like it was his fault for encouraging her to come with him to all the press events but it wasn’t his fault. 

She was an adult and she should have addressed this weeks ago with him and her doctor when the headaches started and not try to hide it to avoid worrying him. 

She should have been honest and though she has no reason to be she was scared to tell him.  She was scared he may think she wasn’t able to handle this kind of life. What if he wanted someone who didn’t need to recharge so often? Or someone who could just do anything with him at anytime not be laying in a bed sometimes for more then a day in pain and grumpy. Someone who couldn’t be touched in this state or be the prefect girlfriend. 

She also knew she sounded ridiculous that wasn’t who Austin was but it didn’t stop the insecurity she had about her migraines and how they held her back from life sometimes. Held her back from being fully emerged into his lifestyle. The guilt wrecked her. 

She knew she was mostly feeling insecure about her migraines because of those comments. She wasn’t normally insecure but recently she had read some comments which usually don’t bother her, about her and Austin’s relationship and how unhappy she looked being on press tour and if she was so unhappy why not just leave so he could be with someone who was happier with him. Those people obviously ignored the photos that were not taking at events that showed how happy they were but not knowing or they probably didn’t care she couldn’t be happier than she was, she was just suffering from more frequent migraines. 

So of course they’d focus on the bad, not all the fans but some. A lot of fans, who she felt were real fans could simply see how happy Austin seemed again. She knew how that felt, she met Austin as a fan and all his relationships and flings after Vanessa seemed lackluster and without any real connection, so she got it. But some of the comments were really getting to her at this moment. Especially the ones about how he looked happier with Kaia (which she knew was a lie from hell, she heard all about that relationship from Austin, his last ex) and then the ones about Vanessa looking happy ALL the time, which was funny because Austin spoke to her about their relationship also and if fans only knew it wasn’t always perfect, yes they loved each other but still there was a lot of hurt in that relationship for Austin. 

Then when those things would pop up she’d think what she’d say to her mans ex’s if she ever met them or if she’d just ignore them. 

Her head throbbed hard from all the unnecessary thinking and stress she was bringing onto herself, things she normal never paid any mind when the bedroom door swung open. 

Baby? He called again, steps coming to a slow stop halfway into the room when she assumed he noticed the state of the room; all the curtains drawn, the TV and lights all off, no noise but the fan she placed near the bed even though the central air was on and the pile of blankets on the bed covering her balled up body. Not a single part of her visible as she quickly stuck her hand out the air pocket at by her head careful to not let any light in and weakly waved at him. She could hardly speak let alone move her head to acknowledge him anymore. 

“Baby you still in bed? It’s 10” He asked as he walked closer, not that he cared it was just unusual for her and caused a bit of concern to form in the pit of stomach. 

He watched the head or he’s assuming area of the blanket shake in a yes motion. Even with the black out curtains there was still just enough light to make out everything in the room. 

“Baby what’s wrong” he asked in a soft voice from the edge of the bed, his hand running gently up and down some part of her body under the blanket. Her body coiled away from his touch. He tried to shake away the slight sting it caused him.

“uh migraine” she whispered weakly, if he wasn’t mistaken he could hear the underlying embarrassment in her tone. What could she be embarrassed about? 

“Oh shit baby, you need anything? Anything I can do?” He genuinely asked in gentler tone, though she couldn’t see how his eyes soften knowing she was probably in an immense amount of pain. 

He felt useless. 

“Uh no, just gotta be left alone for a while” this time there wasn’t any embarrassment in her tone just guilt. 

Austin tried to school his own face and tone of disappointment. He know he couldn’t do anything truly to make it go way but he wanted to help, wanted to be there for her like she’d been there for him on all his overwhelming days and nights from filming and traveling. His sweet girl deserved that. Then he thought back to this one thing he’d came across when he was reading online about migraines when she first told him she got them pretty frequently in the past. He quickly dismissed that idea, a slight blush creeping up his neck, he felt a little embarrassed himself for even thinking to suggest that, who says that to their partner Austin? He thought. She clearly needed to be alone. 

“Ok I’m just head downstairs then, call me if you need anything”  

He took another moment eyeing her blanket fortress before turning and slowly heading Towards their bedroom door.

“Austin?” He heard her call shyly, her voice still muffled from the layers covering her.

“Yea?” His own tone was laced with curiosity.

“Uh…there…there is one thing you could probably do for me…if you don’t mind..if you do it’s ok-“ 

He was quick to be at her side, slipping out his shoes, ready for whatever. His stomach burned a little thinking she may ask what he thought of just briefly a moment ago.

“Anything” 

He watched her baby blue fresh set of nails slip from under the blanket and her hand reaching out for his. His own large hand was in hers before he even registered it moving. She tugged him lightly, his body following gently. He was careful not to touch her as he laid next to her, his chest near where her head was, he remembered her saying how she didn’t like to be touched when she was having an episode, everything felt more intense and for some reason it usually amplified the pain. 

“Can I use your hand for a while?” She asked shyly still under the safety of the blankets, he could hear her clearer through the hole she left at the top. 

He felt guilty at the blood that rushed his cock.

“Of course” He said squeezing the right hand that held his left one. 

He allowed her to maneuver his hand so that his left hand was under her head, she placed his fingers at the base of her skull, thumb on one side and his fore finger and pointer finger on the left side.

“Can you keep your fingers like this and apply as much pressure as you can? This are some of my pain points and the right kind of pressure can ease the pain a little, usually I tie a scarf but it isn’t always helpful” she mumbled weakly. 

He was confused. 

“Oh ok..I..I thought-“ 

This wasn’t something he read, though he seen something about heat compress. He was confused because he thought she was going to ask for his hand to give her an orgasm. That was something interesting that he had came across. It said it didn’t work for everyone hence why he was slightly embarrassed to suggest it, he didn’t want her to think he was only thinking with his dick. 

He applied the pressure anyway, happy to help anyway he could.

“Is that good baby?”

“You can press a bit harder” 

He did as she said, feeling her body adjust just the tiniest bit next to him. A soft sigh leaving her lips.

She soft voice thanked him. He hummed a response, his own body adjusting slightly to get more comfortable.  He would lay here as long as she needed.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, she called his name.

“Yea?” He asked feeling more tired himself than what he thought he was when he got home.

“What were you going to say? When I asked for your hand?” She replied softly voice full of the need for sleep.

His felt that fire and a blush come back. He chuckled to himself. Now was good as anytime to confess his unconventional suggest and figure out if it was something helpful to her or if it was something she even heard of before. 

“Uh..I..I had been reading about migraines when you first told me you got them, trying to understand them better-“ He was cut off by a whimper she made, a pitiful sound of endearment. He knew what she was thinking, she was taken back by his willingness to be there for her however he could and that meant trying to understand what she would be going through. He kept going. “And I was reading how orgasms can sometimes help temporarily, but I didn’t want you to think I was just thinking with my dick” he concluded softly. Feeling better about just getting it out and in the open, it didn’t feel so dirty anymore, like he was taking advantage somehow. He knew her better than to think she would think that but it didn’t stop his insecurities about the topic. 

He felt her body stilled.

shit was she mad at him? He felt the slight unease creep into his stomach and his insecurities intensify at the thought that she would be mad at him for suggesting such a thing when he noticed her right hand slip from under the covers. 

Her soft palm facing up and open in a silent question and permission, are you still willing? And of course you can touch me. 

He let go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding and gave her his right hand, her soft fingers gently pulled his under the covers, her forearm resting ontop of his own as she slipped his hand under hers to be guided where he couldn’t see. Once his rough fingers tips ghosted over her wet pussy he didn’t need anymore guidance, he knew her too well, maybe better than she knew herself. 

She gasped at the first touch and her hand left his to grip his forearm, as he’d started to explore her wet folds.

“How are you this wet already sweet girl? Hmm? Just can’t help yourself around daddy?” Austin questioned softly from above her, awe clear in his voice. He stayed laid on his left side, careful his body other than his hands didn’t touch her. 

“Fuck” she groaned quietly from under the blankets. “Guess my body always needs you daddy” she moaned out. He groaned as his fingers applied more pressure and speed. 

He felt the twitch in cock as she coated his fingers and moaned softly and weakly. His fingers switching between slow and quick. He was so painfully hard. He had to stay focus this was about her but how could he when her tight wet warm pussy was calling him? Begging for him. Her body was hardly moving just her hips grinding slowly into him.

Even fully covered by a ton of blankets he was still completely in-tune with her body. He didn’t need to see her face though he wished he could to kiss her soft lips, to know the pleasure he was giving her, to know she was close. 

He blindly felt the warmth and wetness of her pussy driving into his hand slowly chasing the pleasure he was somehow able to provide in this state.

“Cum for me pretty girl, take it” he groaned lowly.

She moaned out, she sounded so exhausted and pitiful but he could tell she wanted this, needed it and he was more than happy to give it to her. 

She squealed softly as she rocked against his hand, her body exploding and the sweetness of her drenching his fingers, her face seeking the comfort of his embrace under the blanket, he moved over slightly as his left hand still pressed to the pain points guided her, help her her blanket covered forehead lay against his chest. Her hips kept rocking slowly chasing the feeling.

“There you go baby” his husky voice praised even with a migraine she was still his good girl. So wet and warm and tight for him.

Moments passed with his fingers still cupping her warm sticky folds and the other still applying the pressure she required, neither hand moved as he felt her drift of to sleep, her body finally relaxing from the endorphins of her orgasm. 

Austin woke to the press of a soft warm body slightly on top of his and light kisses and licks against his neck. He stirred and tried to adjust his eyesight to the darkness that had over taking the room. It must be late.

“Hey baby” her voice sounded softly, her lips suddenly near his own. She kissed his plump mouth, pecking kisses over and over. She sounded a lot better.

His arms moved to embrace her, pulling her further ontop of him and as close as he could get her. 

“Hey baby” he replied his eyes seeking hers. The dimmed light from the hallway allowed him to finally see her. Though he didn’t physically see her face earlier, he knew she looked more well rested than she had in the past day or two. Her eyes had a fatigue to them but he was sure that would clear up from the migraine once she got some more rest. All and all she almost looked back to her normal self. 

Her hand snaked up his chest to cup his face.

“Thank you, for everything” she told him a little emotionally.

He brought his lips to her for a passionate kiss, before laying his foreheads on hers.

“You don’t ever have to thank me, I’m yours, that’s what I’m here for, to take care of you” he whispered against her lips.

She pecked his again. 

“And I’m still going to say thank you” she mumbled.

He pinched her side playfully as she laughed and pushed at him.

They just gazed at one another and she had to blink to stop the tears. She had woke to Austin on his back, her body against his. She had unconsciously sought his while she slept as the tension faded from her body and to her surprise his hand was still gripping the back of her head. The pressure had loosed when he eventually fell asleep but his hand was still there nonetheless. She didn’t think she could love the man more and here she was slipping further in the ocean that was Austin and some how she was learning she could breathe underwater. He was everything to her.

“I have a surprise for you sweet boy” she said smiling at him like he hung the moon and she’d die on that hill that he did.

Austin’s chest ached in a good way. He never wanted this to end. Couldn’t imagine it being any other way. Everything that had failed for him relationship wise lead him to this moment with her. He was better for it. 

“Hmm, what’s that?” 

She nodded her head to the side of him and that’s when he noticed the en-suite bathroom door open and the soft glow of candles burning. The scent of oils and salts hitting him. He quickly turned back to her.

“Wh-“ 

“You were knocked out and I wanted to return the love” 

“You little sneak” he accused tickling her sides.

She was quick to scramble away from his hold and climb over him getting to her feet and out of his grasp when his hands followed her as she head toward the bathroom.

She stopped short of the door as she pulled her oversize graphic shirt over her head. 

“I would do that you know, sometimes, never with men though, I hated being touched during my migraines but when it was really bad and I had the energy I would do it myself to help ease the pain” she spoke from the doorway to the bathroom, the soft light surrounding her body, giving a even more beautiful glow to her brown skin. “I didn’t think it would ever work from someone else’s hand, not too sure what that means handsome” she smirked.

So she had done that before he thought but just never with man, no man had ever made her comfortable enough to try let alone achieve bringing her relief. Austin felt those butterflies in this stomach again, he felt a sense a pride swell in his chest. His cock was even stirring again. That’s exactly who he wanted to be for her, the man that gave what she needed, what others couldn’t, he wanted to be the one no other man could compare to. He wanted to be her all.

She smirked at him almost as if she could read his every thought and she could because they mirror her own and how she felt about him.

“Lets go loverboy, it’s time for the real show” 

X

X

ALSO yall don’t have to say anything abt it but i find it helps SOMETIMES but alone so I thought who could make this work for me with another person of course our boy Austin could bc he’s so perfect. He’s the only one I’d let touch me with a migraine lol

[junkiespromise]

the eras - masterlist

Twenty two stories inspired by the lyrics from all Taylor Swift albums.

drivers: mv1, dr3, ln4, sv5, pg10, fa14, cl16, aa23, eo31, lh44, ms47, cs55, gr63, op81.

note/warnings: english is not my native language, so there will probably be some spellings mistakes, even though i will try to have as least as possible. Also, you can request from any of drivers above with whatever songs you want that has not been asigned to a driver, if the song is followed by three dots then you can leave a request for that song. Please read the specific warnings for each story as there will probably be some angst and some topics you may not be comfortable reading :)

PS: I will also be posting other stories and social media Au's and if you want to request for any other song for taylor or any type of Au/imagine freely do so. :)

If you want to get tagged on the next stories just leave a comment and I will do it

Teardrops on my Guitar | pg10

They had been friends for years, her always yearning for him to look at her like she did just once but he never did and she wishes that the girl he loves can adore him like she does.

Tim Mcgraw | ...

"And i was right there beside him all summer long. And then the time i woke up to find that summer gone"

Superstar | ms47 (2.4k words)

Where two young kids fall in love but the world one of them is involved in seems to be against their happiness.

The Way I Loved You | ... & ...

"And he says, you look beautiful tonight, and I feel perfectly fine. But i miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain"

Enchanted | cs55

At one of those fancy parties they met, those where she had to be introduced to everybody with a shaking hand or a nod. But she left with a tingling sensation and the need to know more about him.

Back to December | dr3 (soon to be made a series)

She knew that if she could go back in time she would re do everything a do it right this time. But she can't and now she only has those memories left.

Begin Again | pg10 (2.0k words)

All the love she ever knew was one that hurted and burned but at a Parisian coffe shop on a wednesday she realized that maybe that was not all that love had to offer.

Stay, Stay, Stay | mv1 (requested)

"Before you, I'd only dated self-indulgent takers, who took all of their problems out on me, but ypu carry my groceries and now I'm always laughing"

You Are in Love | ln4

Best friends, that's what they called each other, even with the dances and pictures in offices they still called each other that. But a drunk call on a late night might change everything.

Wildest Dreams | sv5 (requested)

"You'll see me in hindsight, tangled up with you all night, burning it down. Someday when you leave me, I bet these memories. Follow you around"

How You Get The Girl | ln4 (requested)

After months of back and forths and unofficial relationships he finds himself infront of her house completely soaked but with the intention to work things out

Style | ...

"And when we go crushing down, we come back every time, 'cause we never go out of time"

New Years Day | lh44 (requested)

"Don't read the last page, but I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong, or we're making mistakes I want your midnights, but I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day"

Gorgeous | ms47

He can't quite understand what he's done to her as she seems to despise him so much, if he only knew the reason why.

I Think He Knows | ln4 (requested)

"Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh We can follow the sparks, I'll drive. So where we gonna go? I whisper in the dark. Where we gonna go? I think he knows"

Cornelia Street | lh44 (requested)

"Windows swung right open, autumn air Jacket 'round my shoulders is yours We bless the rains on Cornelia Street Memorize the creaks in the floor"

The Lakes | sv5

When the world seems to haunt them they find themselves looking for each other on the toughest times

Mirrorball | mv1

Where he tries to do everything to please everybody but when he's with her he can be his true self.

Gold Rush | cl16

Her mind can't understand why everybody is so infatuated by the Charles Leclerc until she finds her heart fluttering when he's around and can not explain it.

Ivy | lh44

Where she finds herself in the claws of a love less relationship and even knowing it's wrong she goes to seek comfort and love in the arms of another

Midnight Rain | ...

"My boy was a montage, a slow-motion, love potion. Jumping off things in the ocean I broke his heart 'cause he was nice"

Maroon | cs55

The rise and fall of a short but, oh, so, ardent relationship, between two strangers who one night met and became more than that.

♡❀˖⁺. ༶ ⋆˙⊹❀♡ ♡❀˖⁺. ༶ ⋆˙⊹❀♡

[padfootdaredmetoo]

Okay okay the rambling got slightly out of hand (because TANGERINE IS🔥) and it’s a bit self-indulgent but here we go🫠🍊😅

Can I please request a Protective!Tangerine x fem!civilian reader where they had run into each other multiple times throughout their time on the train, they run into each other (literally) on the way to their seats (she’s super apologetic and he’s super flirty, making her super flustered), then maybe again because her seat is near Tan and Lemon’s, then again when they’re both at the snack cart, at the bathroom, etc… They just keep running into each other and each time a lot of flirty ensued and they have A LOT of chemistry. They end up having a more ehm ~intimate encounter~ on the train before all the danger started to really unfold. When everything goes down with all the assassins, Tan finds her hiding, scared out of her mind, not knowing what’s going on, and he picks her up and he & Lemon get her (and themselves) off that train to safety, and then kisses her goodbye. A few weeks later, Y/n realizes she’s pregnant, but has no way to contact Tangerine, all she knows about him is that he and Lemon are assassins that go by fruit names (shsh). After a few months of trying to find a way to contact them, she finds a way… She finds a place to send them a message, pretending to have a job for them, but when they show up, there’s no job, they just find a sheepish, and very pregnant, Y/n. And after finding out that she is indeed carrying his baby, Tangerine brings her with him and Lemon to their safe house, and they fall even deeper in love🥺🍊

Hey Babes!

This request kept me sane this past week. I may have written multiple parts.... I couldn't help myself. I hope you enjoy it!!!!!! <3

Part one: Train shenanigans, finding out she'd knocked up, and locating fruit assassins.

Part Two: the after-math, sweet concentrated fluff

Tangerine Master Post

Warnings: Non-descriptive violence and sex is implied. The reader has a rough home life, freaks out when realizes she's pregnant and gets a bit depressed.

So far Japan was a complicated but lovely trip. Everything here was so different, and yet the people and interactions you’d had were fantastic. After three weeks you were tired and excited to finish your trip in Tokyo. 

This trip was originally planned for your friend, who just happened to back out last minute over some guy she’d met. You’d already spent a fortune on the non-refundable trip, no way you were letting it go to waste. It was strange being so alone. Normally you were surrounded or running after friends and family, but here it was just you. 

It was uncomplicated and peaceful. Not something you’d gotten a lot of over the years. Standing on the bright platform with your headphones in you caught a couple of men out of the corner of your eye. Clearly, they were having some type of argument that was blocked out by the music you were listening to. They were helping hold up their seemingly very drunk friend up.

The tall man in the blue suit flicked his cigarette and you watched him look you over. He gave you a wink before the train blew in through the platform. 

Moving to find your seat someone gently bumped into the back of you as you tried to place your bag on the shelf above the seats. “Oh - S-sorry!” 

“Ah, you again. Here, let me, love.” The man with the blue suit and mustache grabbed your backpack and got it up on the ledge. His accent confirmed that he was indeed traveling. He caught you staring causing your face to flush, and an awkward silence fell between the two of you. His stance made you feel like he was enjoying every second of your flustered attention. 

“Thank you!” You said finally gaining the ability to speak back. 

“You need anythin’ else just come find me.” He gave you another wink before returning to his friends sitting close to you. You took your seat and watched him make his friend switch seats so he could stare right back at you. You put your headphones back in and looked out the window. You paused the music you had playing to see if you could hear what they were saying. 

“You fucking serious? We’re bloody working.” His friend hissed. 

“It’s like I got a compulsion or something. Look at her, can't help myself.”  He let out a sigh. 

“Need to talk to someone. Serious.” His friend said and your heart sank. Just another flirty guy, you put your music back on and hoped you could avoid him the rest of the journey. 

Some type of commotion broke out at their booth when their friend woke up. You still avoided them despite feeling his eyes land on you every now and again. Between your phone blowing up with family drama, and being overwhelmed by traveling alone, the last thing you needed was a fuck boy adventure. A fuck boy named after a fruit? You shook your head. 

As the trip progressed you watched as things got heated between Lemon and another guy you’d never seen before. You decided that this was a perfect time to go find a washroom and a snack. Walking through the train you began to get the idea you’d gone in the wrong direction but kept forward enjoying stretching your legs. 

You reached the part of the train where the snack trolleys get refilled. You hoped it wouldn't be rude to pay here rather than wait for her to come to your car. The door opened and the very man you were avoiding appeared. 

“And whatever she wants, thanks.” He handed the lady a wad of cash and she smiled at you.

“You don’t have to-” You flushed again feeling slightly aggravated. 

“I insist” He guided you forward, all your attention brought to the warmth of his hands on your hips. He stepped behind you towards the door. “Do me a favor, Babes? Take your time going back to your seat, eh?” 

“Um sure?” You said looking at him. There was something very offputting about the whole scene and yet all you wanted was to get to the bottom of the mystery. Why pay for your snacks? What type of business were they on the train for? Why was that other man arguing?

He disappeared and you took your snacks along with his change. You did as you were told, tucking your snacks into your purse, and spending some time freshening up in the bathroom. When you were back in your seat, both of them were gone. 

You snacked and started to read a book. Eventually, you watched the train become emptier and emptier. 

Tangerine finally passed your seat. You looked up from your book to see his ragged appearance. He was clearly in some kind of fight. He stared at you and you felt your skin get hot. This man was all the things you should avoid but still, you got up and handed him his change. 

“Thanks,” You said in an unsure tone. 

“Not a problem.” his hands lingered on yours for a moment longer than they should have. “Not a problem at all.” 

You smiled not sure what else to say. With a nod, you went to turn back to your seat when he grabbed your hand pulling you back to him. “Fancy a trip to the loo?” 

“Toilets? What could you possibly need me for?” You played stupid trying to buy yourself time to think of what the fuck was going on. 

“How ‘bout I show you?” He pressed a kiss to the back of your hand, his eyes devouring you. Should be illegal for a man to be that confident. And yet he’d caught you in his web. He guided you down the train keeping you close. You loved every bloody second of the attention he paid you. 

There weren't any real consequences? You’d both part ways once the train stopped in Tokyo. This was just a quick vacation fuck nothing more. While he had you, deep down inside you were starting to feel like you’d been ruined. He pulled a reaction from you that you’d never had before. Rather than thinking about it too much, you decided to enjoy him while he was here. A tender reckless moment in your life story. 

___________________________________________

This was beyond fucking stupid. Things had surely settled though. Lemon said he’d got the briefcase. No point in wasting an opportunity. He talked himself in and out of the situation before working his hardest to impress you. 

Why? Because you looked like you needed a nice time. Or was it because he wanted a nice time? He didn’t care. You were perfect meeting him for what he was with every thrust. Cleaning you up he realized it would almost be difficult to say goodbye. He was tired of this life. 

He walked you back to your seat enjoying how dazed you looked. Wishing more than ever he could take you for dinner, spoil you rotten with the cash burning a hole in his pocket. 

Unlucky for him things took a different direction. Pulling you from him permanently. The case was gone, shithead was still fucking dead, and Ladybug wasn't their diesel. He gave a disgruntled sigh as he realized there was someone unknown and very dangerous on this train. He needed to get Lemon and himself - and you - off this train as soon as possible. Before something crazy happened. 

The train emptied out and the journey got more and more complicated. After Lemon died and killing the diesel. He slid to the floor pinching the bridge of his nose. He said a soft prayer that you’d had the sense to get off before Toyko.

Lemon was gone. He’d killed some teenager. Everything started to hit him. Didn't matter though. Everything in his life was over. 

It was always him and Lemon. Everything they did, they did together. No point in carrying on - 

“There you fucking are - fucking looking all over for ya. - Your birds a right mess -” Lemon nudged his shoulder with his knee when he didn't respond. 

“You were dead.” He whispered, his throat tight. Eyes starting to get misty.

“Nah, just asleep” Lemon gave him a look, and they both silently decided to never speak on it again. “Your birds’ having a bit of a meltdown though. Reckon she could use a friendly face.” 

“She’s still on the train?"

“You fucking concussed? Obviously why else would I bring it up-” He didn’t wait for Lemon to continue and he started in the direction his brother pointed. Seeing you made his heart twist. You’d wedged yourself in a cupboard, quite an impressive spot really. 

“Come here.” He crouched down holding his hands out to you. You shook your head, squeezing your eyes shut. You were terrified and trying desperately to get your body under control. 

“Really, all the bad guys are dead. Just me, Lemon, and our friends left.” He said softly.  You looked at him with red eyes and he noticed the blood splattered across you. He remembered the first time he’d watched someone get shot. Slowly you grabbed his arms and you jumped when he picked you up. He liked the way you fit against his chest. How your body settled against his, eventually you fell asleep in his arms. He liked how Lemon was sitting across from him. Judgment was clear on his face, his very much alive face. 

Lemon went for a walk as the station approached. He woke you up with enough time to ensure you’d be okay on your own. 

“What the fuck was that all about?” You whispered, eyes wide. 

“Got hired for a job that was actually a different job set up by a big crime lord. Look, don't worry about it.” He looked at your face at a loss for words. When he went through this type of stuff, he had Lemon beside him to help reason with everything. You’d be out there on your own. “It’s not going to make any sense. Just try to push it from your mind. Enjoy your vacation and go home. This was just a crazy side quest. Don’t let it hold you back.” 

You nodded thinking about what he’d said. He knew full well you’d be running in circles over this for a while. He kissed the top of your head before realizing he was doing it. He got you off the train, taking a deep breath. He kept his arm around you holding you to his side while he sorted a cab out for you. 

Watching the car pull up he grabbed your face kissing you one last time. Probably not the best thing to do to a traumatized woman, but you kissed him back. Your heart rate beating fast, skin flushed. 

He opened the door for you and put your backpack in the boot. With a nod, he stood on the curb lighting a cigarette as you sped off into the early morning. 

His heart gave a twinge and he looked over to the happy sight of his brother making amends with Lady Bug. with a few last curse words you all parted ways. Lemon already had another job lined up, somewhere in the UK. 

____________________

You considered therapy. You considered trying to hunt him down. You decided on laying in bed for a few days. You missed out on the last of your scheduled tours. Not upset about the wasted money. You kept your phone off, without the energy to deal with the world. Various consequences of that trip on the train were becoming more and more obvious. 

On the last day of your trip, you finally caved. You bought a pregnancy test and collapsed in defeat on the bathroom floor. 

Such a mix of feelings. You extended your trip by another week and went to work trying to locate the other half of this mess. You wanted him - to know - to help - you just wanted him. 

You tried everything, looked everywhere. His tracks were covered, and tickets were bought by a company that had no internet presence or phone number. With a name like Tangerine, the phone book wasn't an option. 

You went back to your apartment. Dealing with your family was a painful experience that ended in you having a lot more alone time. They’d told you to clean your own mess up. You'd had the sense to leave before your father's temper resulted in physical harm.

Further devastation left you in a depression that stopped your hunt altogether. 

Thankfully you worked from home saving you from any office drama. Being shut up wasn't ideal, but it gave you time to research everything. Your friends vanished overnight. No matter how alone you felt there was the glaring truth that you were indeed not alone, nor would you ever be again. 

While drinking a cup of tea you wondered if you called the transit station if they would give you the credit card info the ticket was bought with. Somehow, they did. 

You looked at the phone number scribbled on the piece of paper. Your parent's harsh words and the look on your friend's faces reappeared in your mind. Maybe you should let this go. 

You still dialed the number determined to do what you felt was right. 

“Hello, how can we assist you today?” A female voice answered. You realized this was the company he worked for and you thought about some of the things they said on the train.

“I have a grab-and-snatch job. With the added bonus of erm - unaliving someone?” You said awkwardly. 

“Okay, do you have an account with us?” 

“No, a friend of mine recommended you for your reputation.” 

“Excellent, and did you have any recommendations for who you would like to work with?” 

“Tangerine and Lemon, the two responsible for the Bullet Train job in Japan.” 

“Interesting choice. The Twins have an opening next month.” 

Twins? 

“Erm - anything sooner?” Your hand rested on the obvious and quickly growing bump.

“How long should the job take?” 

“Half hour tops?” Enough time to tell him that it’s his, for him to disappoint you by denying it’s his then fading out into the world. Half an hour tops. 

You sorted out the last of the details and she scheduled you in for the weekend. 

“Before I present the job to them, how much is the job worth?” 

“Um - 50 million?” You panicked. 

“Oh, that’s above their rate so it shouldn't be a problem. It was nice working with you.” The line went dead and you took a deep breath.

Fucking fuck - 50 million? You groaned, why did everything involving him have to be such a mess. 

____________

Tangerine looked at his brother in disbelief. 50mil for a snatch-and-grab with a bonus if we kill a dude in a red hat with purple trousers? Other than his horrid taste in fashion what did he do to deserve death? An obvious and important question Lemon had overlooked in the debrief.

“This is why I handle these things you never fucking listen.” 

“Look it's in and out - up to the hotel room - in the room grab the case - and out. See a man in a red hat and shoot him. Or we leave him be and take the 50mil. You just hate it when I’m in charge. That’s what all this is about - “ 

Tangerine decided to avoid the rest of the conversation. No named buyer, no deposit, no former account. This is a big fucking red flag. Giant fucking trap. 

He rubbed the back of his neck, listening to Lemon prattle on he decided to just go along, without the energy to fight him. 

Since the train he’d been less and less motivated, 50mil would be another stack of money on the pile. If anything it wouldn't be a bad way to go out. 

“Lemon?’ He asked. 

“Wot?” he said fittling with the remote. 

“If we actually get 50mil for this -” Tangerine struggled to finish the sentence this had been their life for such a long time. 

“Retire,” Lemon said immediately as if reading his mind. The two of them hadn’t been the same since the train. Both of them flew a little too close to the sun that night. Not to mention there were rumors, stories, names, and all sorts of business in the works. Shady business behind the scenes. Tangerine was sure this wasn't the end of the Bullet Train fiasco. 

They got dressed picked up their requested goods from the concierge and moved up to the selected room. Going up in the elevator something started to prickle at the back of his neck. Hair raised on his arms. Something significant was going to happen.

He took the key from Lemon and moved into the room first just incase. It was a massive space. Sitting in the common area was a woman on a couch.

_____

Posting part two now!

[insomnikat-mused]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love 💕

Thank you, anon, and sorry it took me a while to do this! I've written enough short-ish fics since the last time to make a new list and, guess what? They're all prompt-based!

1. Paragon/Renege

11.5K of The Emperor x Bard!F!Tav post-canon character study disguised as questing. Rated E for quite possibly the most indulgent smut chapter I've written in ages (something something inter-species sex with non-traditional appendages is so liberating!). Written for every single prompt in The Emperor Week 2024.

2. The light bleeds through

1.1K of Sheith post-canon angst. Rated T for self-harm. My first and-- so far only-- foray into VLD fandom. Written for Whumptober 2022 prompts: emotional damage and new scars.

3. Overture no.2

2.1K of a SasuHina rockstar AU. Rated G for a completely platonic disastrous first meeting. Written for the SasuHina month 2023 prompt: Knowing me, knowing you.

4. Where have all the good men gone?

1.6K of KakaSaku canon divergence where 80s music and karaoke exists. Rated T only because anyone younger might not get the 80s pop-themed joke. Inspired by fanart and that music itch I started scratching above and couldn't quite stop. Where I ask myself, "is there such thing as committing too hard to a bit?" and find my answer is a very proud "No."

5. My love burns hot like blue flames

9.1K of KakaSaku modern AU. Rated T for overuse of Kdrama tropes and coffee to forward the relationship. Written to inaugurate the bond with @fountainpenscribbles, who first gave the prompt umbrella with art, and for the Scarecrows and Cherry Blossom server's 2023 trope of the month: Fire chief/Doctor.

[sednonamoris]

vienna waits for you

Pairing: John Price x gn!reader

Summary: After a one-off meeting with a young Lieutenant Price, you assume you'll never meet again. A mission in Vienna proves you wrong.

Warnings: Canon-typical violence, description of knife wounds, lots of blood, strong language, excessive dog puns, pre-relationship, pre-slowburn

Word count: 3,027

A/N: A little prequel action for hellhound (cross-posted to AO3)!! Thank you thank you thank you to the people who love this series as much as I do - your enthusiasm and joy has written this series just as much as I have 🩷

—

Ever since Belfast they’ve called you Hound.

Ever since Price, really. Hellhound, he had said, but it got shortened quick enough. One less syllable to trip through as they tease you.

Dog’s dinner again, eh, Hound? in the mess hall. 

Well sure, every dog has its day, when you make top marks in training.

Pretty as a speckled pup, you are, cooed mockingly on a rare night spent out of fatigues drinking with the lads just off base.

One of the newer recruits even tried whistling at you during a sparring match. He ended up in the med bay for that one, while you were reprimanded by Command yet again. 

In the dog house, your squadmates titter as you march out of your captain’s office with nothing more than a slap on the wrist and anger itching beneath your skin.

The teasing is fine. You like it, even, making your fair share of awful puns just to get a laugh out of the boys. What you can’t shake is the feeling of discontent with your superior officers. You joined up with the Irish Armed Forces at eighteen to do something. When they sent you up the ranks to the ARW just a few years later it was supposed to matter more. Save the good guys when you could, take down the bad ones when you couldn’t. ACTION had been promised by every recruitment poster in big bold letters. And yet, it seems like every time you take some all they do is give out to you.

You’re not good for much more than taking orders and pulling triggers, you know, but still it feels like something’s missing. Like you could do more if they’d just let you.

— 

Weeks later you get your chance: another team-up with the SAS. When it’s announced to the regiment you’re the first one geared up and ready to go.

For a silly, self-indulgent moment you let yourself wonder if Lieutenant Price will be there, too.

—

Between the SAS and ARW, a burgeoning terror cell has been tracked to Vienna. It’s being run by Wesley Martin, an English expat coming off a dishonourable discharge from MI6. Rather than fading quietly into obscurity, he’s taken the opportunity to sell out his country’s secrets and incite insurrection not just against them, but most of Europe as well. He staged an attack on Irish soil months ago, but the trail had gone cold - until now. England was the one to find him again, and Austria’s task force has offered its support, working out negotiations between the three nations as to who gets to make the arrest and on exactly what counts and which soil he will be tried. If the whispers up the chain of command are true, Ireland gets dibs on cuffing him. 

But that’s all above your pay grade. You’d just like to nab the prick.

When your boots hit the tarmac you have a stretch and breathe deep. It was a cramped plane ride with your squadmates. Jacks had snored on your shoulder the whole way, and Murph wouldn’t shut up about his latest shag, who apparently gave him quite a memorable experience in a pub stall over leave. He’d spared no detail. Lieutenant Doyle, of course, was the one who kept egging him on; even a glare from Captain Guiney hadn’t been enough to stop him from asking what color her knickers were. He produced a rather spectacular lacy red thong from one of his pockets in answer. 

Chatter cuts as you make your way over to where the SAS team stands in formation. 

“Pint short as usual, Guinness,” Captain MacMillan’s thick brogue snarks. “You’re late.” 

“They are early,” a less amused Austrian woman corrects. Anna Ebner, if it’s the same person who coordinated and shared all the intel reports.

“Only by Paddy standards, which is to say none at all.”

Ebner rolls her eyes. 

“Je-sus,” Guiney says in greeting, “how’d I get stuck working with you cunts?” His wide grin and open arms counteract the words. 

A series of warm handshakes are exchanged, but then it’s right to business.

 Ebner informs the group that Austria has opted to sideline its men with the promise of support only if things go very, very wrong. They’ll be on comms for the whole operation. That leaves two mixed-company teams to infiltrate the safehouse apartment; one from the front and one from the back. Once the ground floor is secured, Alpha Team will head upstairs while Bravo covers the cellar and makes sure no one gets in or out of the building. 

Team assignments are handed out with efficiency before everyone piles into the vans. Most of your squadron ends up with Alpha, headed by Guiney. You and Jacks are the only ARW soldiers on Bravo, which will be led by MacMillan and his lieutenant. 

“Looks like we’re top dogs today, Hound,” Murph crows, elbowing you in the ribs before heading over to join the others with Alpha.

You grin and flip him off while Jacks tells the lot of them to go fuck themselves, and turn to find Lieutenant John Price looking right at you. Your eyes go wide and your spine snaps straight.

“Hound, is it?” Barely-there amusement curls at the edge of his mouth.

“It is, yeah.” There should probably be a sir attached to that, but you’re too caught up in the starstruck realization that he remembers you to care.

It’s a stroke of luck that he doesn’t seem to mind. Just hums at the back of his throat with a twinkle in his eye before nodding his head toward the van behind him. “With me.”

—

It’s tight quarters inside the vans, so many soldiers pressed knee to knee. Price is seated across from you. At your side, Jacks is shooting shit with the other Brits in your temporary squad. Already he’s insulted the Queen - your favourite pastime, usually - but you ignore him in favor of quietly observing Price, who in turn is quietly observing you. 

He hasn’t changed much in the months since your last meeting.

His face is clean-shaven with an ever-present threat of stubble. The rest of his hair is tucked beneath a dark beanie that either hides a buzz cut or a seriously impressive cowlick - it’s hard to say which would suit him more. His broad frame fills his tactical suit, and the stars in your eyes make him seem that much broader. But it’s his eyes that strike you the most. Clear-cut, no-nonsense blue that sees straight to the heart of you.

What has he found there, you wonder?

In Price it feels like you’ve found the answer to a question that’s been difficult to put to words. He’s so sure. Sure of himself, of his team, of his mission. Every doubt you house is a certainty in him - it’s no wonder they’ve already named him a lieutenant while you can barely keep your rank as sergeant. 

“They didn’t court marshal you, then,” he breaches the silence between you.  

“Not for lack of trying.” Your smile is crooked and self-deprecating. “I’m fairly certain ‘loose cannon’ is at the top of my file in red ink.” 

He huffs a laugh. “Better than ‘temper management issues’.”

“Oh, please,” you say. “Yours has got to be something like ‘hero’ or ‘patriot’. Maybe ‘golden boy’. I bet the recruitment campaigns can’t get enough of you.” 

“They tried to get me to pose for a commercial,” he admits.

“Yeah?”

“Told them to sod off.”

You cackle. “Too right!” 

The rest of the van ride is spent trading quips back and forth, bantering like you’ve known each other for ages and not just from a one-off meeting months ago. In the time that’s lapsed between then and now you’ve imagined working beside him plenty— more than you should have, being honest. It should be impossible for the man to live up to the myth you’ve manufactured in your mind.

Somehow he exceeds it. 

Somehow you’re not surprised.

—

The muffled sound of Bravo team breaching the cellar door is the only thing that breaks the midnight silence of Vienna’s neighborhoods. Combat boots creak down wooden steps, guns at the ready and night vision gear engaged. Captain Macmillan leads the charge, sweeping the space with practiced authority. 

“Clear,” he announces. His voice is too-loud and rough in the cramped space. 

Though no targets are on this level, a wealth of information seems to be. There’s not an ounce of modern technology to be seen, but every inch of unfinished wall is covered in the paper trail three respective countries have been chasing in vain for months. 

“Seems like your man is starting to lose the plot, eh?” Jacks says with his crooked smile, gesturing to documents pinned on corkboards and clipped across strings that hang from the low ceilings. 

Your mouth snaps shut on your reply at MacMillan’s warning to keep quiet, but disagreement is plain across your features. Martin is paranoid, certainly, but you wouldn’t call him crazy. Though this organization system is beyond you, it makes sense in theory; Who better than a former MI6 operative can appreciate how insecure cyber storage is, even with encryptions in place? 

Paper maps cover one of the walls wholly, marked up in unfamiliar code you’re sure some poor interns will have a field day with. Whatever his next moves are, they must be hidden there. Many of the hanging sheets read like weapons orders, others like mercenary pay stubs, all in a myriad of languages. Everything else is too much text to be anything but a manifesto. You snag one of the sheets for yourself and read a few cursory lines of down with the status quo and death to the Other - nothing that hasn’t been done before.

With a nod from his captain, Price starts barking orders. Everything must be taken down and packed away; this kind of evidence is every operation’s dream. You all set about the work as quietly as you can in case things still aren’t clear inside. MacMillan radios Guiney for a sitrep off to the side before he joins in. 

In all of a second it isn’t necessary.

Shouting sounds from inside, then gunfire.

You hear the tinkling of broken glass and the impact of a body hitting the ground and the thunk, thunk of a flashbang falling down cellar stairs before it goes off. Harsh, blinding white overwhelms your senses and forces your eyes to close in a painful squeeze. There’s a ringing in your ears that feels like it’s coming from everywhere. Someone screams. You tear your night vision gear off in a blind panic and blink sightlessly at the chaos.

Fuck.

Fuck!

There’s a dark shape at the foot of the stairwell going up, and before you register what your body is doing you can feel yourself lurch after them. You’re not even sure if you have your gun.

You stagger outside to see Price giving chase to someone who can only be Wesley Martin - him or one of his close associates. Doesn’t matter now. You join in hot pursuit, the thick soles of your boots pounding across Vienna’s pavement. Your lungs burn and your vision is still blurred but you can’t afford to slow down. Price is still several metres ahead. 

Without breaking stride he takes aim with his gun and nails Martin squarely in the back. The crack of the shot echoes sharp in the night and lays him flat out in the street. Price continues his sprint, only slowing a few steps out from the body.

Except it isn’t just a body; he’s still alive. You see him move - he must be wearing kevlar - but before you can shout a warning he whips his body around and takes Price out at the legs. Moonlight flashes off the wicked threat of his unsheathed knife. He shoves the blade up hard into Price’s ribs and slashes a wide arc through his belly. You swear it’s happening in slow motion, like those nightmares where you run and run and run but your legs won’t move.

“Get off him, you bastard!” you shout. Martin’s head turns to see you come barrelling at him. He smiles. The knife drips blood. Price gasps and stumbles backward where he’s shoved aside, fingers clutching desperately at the wound. 

Your hands feel for the familiar weight of your gun only to find it gone. You must have lost it in the confusion. Martin could easily kill Price now - it’s what you would do, if the situation was reversed - but instead he takes your momentary distraction as a chance to take off again.

It’s his mistake. 

You’re close enough and determined enough now that it takes only a few strides to overtake him, and while you don’t have your gun you sure as shit have a knife. The collision happens all at once and in fragments. Your body against his. Your knife in his neck. The scalding spray of blood as you pull it out. The sluice of flesh as you drive it back in. You’re not sure when you stop stabbing, but it’s long after he stops twitching.

His body is limp and strange beneath you. You roll off and stagger to your feet only to retch in the street beside it. Bile bites the back of your throat and you wipe at your mouth with a grimace. Your hands are shaking. Command is going to fucking kill you.

Sirens sound in the distance, now, but the only thing that breaks your thousand yard stare from the man you just killed is the sound of Price’s labored breathing a few metres away. 

You blink and all of the sudden you’re knelt in front of him. It takes a moment for him to register that you’ve come back; his eyes stare unseeing, clouded with pain.

“You killed ‘im,” he slurs. “K-I-bloody-A.” 

“That’s not important right now,” you snap. “Focus on staying alive. One breath at a time, yeah?” You move his hands from the wound to assess the situation and nearly retch again. Martin stabbed clean through the kevlar, and now his guts are threatening to spill into the street. “Did you radio anyone?” 

He just blinks up at you, dumb with shock and bloodloss. 

You curse.

With one hand you fish around for the meager med supplies you keep on you, and with the other you call in for help. The radio is sticky with blood. You’re not sure whose. Price has gone so pale. Blood leaks at the corner of his mouth. His teeth are stained red. 

You’re only a block over from whatever remains of your squadron but it might as well be miles. They say they’re on the way, but there are so many wounded already. Looking at Price, you know it won’t be fast enough, anyway. You only have a disinfectant wipe, a needle, and surgical thread. Sutures have never been your strong suit, but if it’s not you and it’s not here and now then it’s lights out. You’ll just have to make do.

“No bloody dying,” you warn. “This is gonna hurt.” 

You lay Price back carefully, carefully, and smear the alcohol wipe around the edge of the wound. It stings - it must - but he only sucks a sharp breath in without complain. Pinching the skin together, hands slick with blood that isn’t yours, you poise the needle over him.

“Ready?” You’re not sure if you’re asking him or yourself. 

He stares up at you with the most lucidity he’s managed since being stabbed. Clear-cut. No-nonsense. So very blue. “Ready.”

—

Your stitch job is crooked and atrocious, but the hospital staff inform you later that it saves his life.

“Be a hell of a scar,” Price laughs from the sterile white of his hospital bed. The sound wheezes out of him. You can tell it hurts, but he seems in good spirits.

So good, in fact, that he’s managed once again to talk you out of a court marshal. He didn’t let up until he’d convinced Command that Wesley Martin had to be put down. That there was no salvaging the mission otherwise and that your actions saved not just his life, but the lives of many. Once those interns deciphered the rest of his plans they were quick to agree. Now you’re all done up in your service dress for an award ceremony later this afternoon. You wanted Price there, but the hospital staff wouldn’t release him from their clutches. A visit just before will have to suffice.

“Something to remember me by,” you say. 

There’s something fond and familiar in his eyes that makes your throat hurt. “I would be hard-pressed to forget someone like you, Hound.”  

“Running with the big dogs, now,” you grin. He rolls his eyes at the pun. “Next time I kill a target I’m not supposed to I bet they promote me.” 

“I don’t doubt it. You do good work.”

“So do you, Lieutenant.”

There’s more you want to say, questions you want to ask him, but they all die in your throat the longer you look at him lying there. Even battered and beaten he’s still so sure. Certainty stinging in the creases of his eyes. Sunshine slatted past hospital window blinds. Dated rock music filtering grainy through the radio one of his lads must’ve brought in. Half-wilted flowers at his bedside. Sitting upright in an uncomfortable bed wrapped in starchy white sheets he is every inch the soldier you’ll never be.

“If you’re ever in England again…” he starts. Maybe you shouldn’t be surprised he’s offering, but you are. A delighted smile lights your face. 

“I’m never in England if I can help it,” you say honestly. He laughs. “But give us a call if you hop the channel, yeah?”

“I will do,” he says.

It’s silly to think you’ll actually meet again. Truly, why would you? But it feels like he means it. Like you’re dogs of war, set on intersecting paths to hell.

Somehow, some way, the two of you are always going to find each other.

Somehow, some way, you don’t think you mind.

[mygloviesme]

cool about it. || myg

no. 1: tell myself one day i'll forget about it

predebut/debut!yoongi x female idol

summary: kanako is an established idol with a growing career and a secret relationship with a producer from her label, haneul. when she’s asked to work with yoongi and rm to create a track for her, she gains unexpected feelings for a certain upcoming rapper. with her increasing fame, her controlling boyfriend, a set of six boys who seem to have grown an attachment to her, and a new boy who’d give her the world, how will she figure out a way to balance it all?

(definitely inspired by boygenius)

word count: 2.9k

genre: ANGST, friends(?) to lovers, slow burn

overall warnings: toxic relationship (not w/myg), verbal abuse, mentions of alcohol

notes: this is my first body of work ive ever posted on tumblr. as you can see from the warnings, it’s pretty heavy and that theme will linger for a while. i wrote this while recovering from an abusive relationship i was trying to heal from and never intended to publish it but i feel I’m in a better place to continue it. I hope you guys like it. not a rough draft but definitely feels like it lmao.

Updated note: like I said above, this is my first official body of work. this story is very very flawed with probably so many plot holes and errors. this was my first time writing in YEARS. clearly some parts are self-indulgent and i wasn’t the best storyteller or writer or editor lmfao. i basically skimmed the chapters before publishing so excuse the big mistakes for my piece of mind and so i can sleep at night ♥️ok enjoy

inspo song: cool about it by boygenius

JANUARY 17TH, 2012, 5:12 PM.

The air was thin, dry, and coated with frost. The tip of my nose kissed with a small blush from the biting cold, I attempted to warm it up by pressing my palm to it. Of course it’s no use, as the weather doesn’t spare anyone. I bring both hands to my coat pockets and walk towards the building doors, one street lamp after another. There’s a slight flurry today but I try to romanticize it rather than hate it like I usually do. I’m the stereotypical person who gets hit with S.A.D every year as the daylight gets shorter by month and windows get frostier by day. I bring my hand up to the door handle, opening it swiftly to get inside the heated structure. 

It’s mid evening so I still have work to do. I head towards the studio where I’m expected, and of course, late. Bang PD had told me I would be working with some trainees/idols-to-be. I signed both of them on as producers, but I think by next year I’ll be rounding them up for a group. 

The man had a tendency to be cryptic, so whatever he knew about this supposed new K-pop group he was forming, I had no idea. I take a deep breath before opening the door to the studio. I never liked meeting new people and first impressions were something I had an unusual amount of anxiety for. I plant a smile on my face and twist the knob, seeing three bodies sitting casually on individual chairs, turning around. 

“Ah, Kanako,” Bang PD stands up, and I bow quickly. I haven’t yet met the eyes of the two boys sitting on the other chairs, and I wait for an introduction. 

“This is Kanako, you two. Kanako, this is Suga and RM.” He says, and my head follows where he points his fingers. They smile sheepishly, obviously as anxious as I was which made me feel slightly better. We bow as a group quickly and I let out a small huhaha that’s meant to be a laugh but it sounds more like a sigh. Bang PD’s hand floats over my back, leading me to the chair behind the boys. The distance is sort of awkward. 

We all take a seat and Bang PD clears his throat, shuffling with some papers. 

“So, this is going to be a slight trial run. We’re in the midst of your new album,” PD-nim faces me, “And I thought it might be good to have some new minds create a track for you. We had a song brainstorming, Kanako.” He says and passes me the paper with lyrics on it. The song title is Full Moon. 

I read the lyrics and they’re more sensual than I expected. I assumed that’s what was happening with this album as I expressed I wanted to steer away from the whole ‘girl next door’ facade I had going on. I had already been named South Korea’s little sister, so the implications and expectations people had of me was something I felt rubbing off on myself. I couldn’t let myself fall into that, I knew that much. 

As I get done reading the lyrics I nod, “This is great. You got a beat for me?” I say confidently. 

Suga, which I assume that’s his stage name, turns around and presses a few keys before clicking on a track. The beat is almost mystical, like a foggy night. There’s a guitar that flutters throughout the song and I find myself humming the lyrics, trying to place them where I think they belong. 

RM smiles as he hears me, “That’s how we were thinking it’d go too.” I reply with a grin and we all bob our heads as I sing. There’s a few blanks that I couldn’t figure out, but I love the overall feeling the song is. 

“We thought of putting a rap verse in,” Suga says. “Of course.” I reply, since every K-pop song seems to have a rap verse. 

“We thought the rapper should be female, just to fit the sensuality of it.” Bang PD says and I let out a small laugh. Sensuality. That seems to be all it is, most of the time. I’ll explain later.

My lips part slightly to release a small sigh, and I fiddle with my fingers, moving up to itch the back of my neck. “How about you, Suga?” I ask. The boy turns around in his spinny chair, his posture curved. “Uh,” He looks to Bang PD, “I don’t see why not.” PD-nim nods slowly, almost thinking to himself.

“That…could work.” he mumbles and gestures towards me. “Why don’t you go inside there and we’ll see how it all works out.” And I nod, heading into the recording room. 

JANUARY 17TH, 2012, 8:52 PM. It’s been nearly four hours we’ve been in the studio, and I lay back in my chair as Yoongi finishes his verse. “I think that one was it.” he says through the mic. Everyone looks towards me, “What do you think, Kanako? Was that it?” PD-nim asks, as if I was the one demanding we be here for nearly four hours. Yoongi, whose name I learned by RM and his casual calling of him, was the one assuring us we needed to do one take after the other. But for some reason, he only asked me to do very little takes when it came to my verses.

“Y-Yes, that was great. I think it’s good to call it a night.” I say, and RM gives the go to Yoongi which has him entering back into the studio. There is a subtle curiosity I get when looking at Yoongi, his mysterious and quiet demeanor made me want to know more. Is that too soon to think? I shouldn’t even have those thoughts. 

His rapping was undeniably good and it made me want to hear it over and over again. And over and over and over and over. Fuck. 

Everyone picks up their things and I reach for my coat until Yoongi grabs it for me. 

“Oh, thank you.” I smile and our fingertips graze each others as he passes my coat to me, causing a small hiccup in my stomach. We all bow to each other goodbye and I head out to my dorm, seeing the two boys heading into the other direction where the trainees' dorms were. I feel a sense of excitement, hoping I get to work with them again. With him again. 

I hear a voice behind me that makes me jump, “Hi honey.” the voice says. I turn around to see another producer, except this one was my boyfriend. I look around quickly to make sure the boys and Bang PD were out of sight before swinging my arms around him. I snuggle my face in his neck, trying to keep my balance since I’m on my tip-toes. I can smell his Calvin Klein cologne that’s been stuck on him since I’ve known him. It’s almost his natural scent at this point. 

I’ve been dating Haneul for nine months, all months being an absolute secret. He was the one who urged me to keep us a secret, and I obeyed. I wanted him, needed him, to the point I’d do anything for him. As long as I was his I would do anything. Most days I would only think of him, how can I please him, how can I make him happy? How could I change myself to be the girl of his-

“I heard you were recording with Yoongi and Namjoon today.” He says, his embrace loosening. His body morphs back from leaning down to hug me, to standing straight up. He towers over me, looking me in the eyes. I can already sense what he’s feeling. He’s not controlling, he’s just worried. (I know what it looks like.) 

I look down to my shoes, “Yes but it was just working. Nothing weird.” I whisper. His hand trails to my chin, lifting it softly. “Are you lying?” He asks. (He’s not usually like this, he’s just protective.)

“No, Haneul. I promise. I only want you.” I say as I meet his eyes nervously. I feel his fingers let go of my chin and he smiles. “I love hearing you say that.” He says. I attempt to laugh to break the tension but it doesn’t help. Sometimes he makes my stomach drop in a way I can’t explain, in a way where if I really thought about it, I’m sure it’d make me feel horrible. (What else is he going to think when you’re alone in a room with three men, it’s not his fault. It’s yours. Why did you wear this skirt today? Why did you thank Yoongi for giving you your coat? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.)

Haneul reaches down to peck my cheek, trailing kisses down my jaw and neck. My eyesight gets cloudy and I manage to forget about that pit in my stomach. It’s just us. Just him and me, forever. And he wants me right now. That’s all I need. For someone to want me like I want him. His lips graze my collarbone before sucking for a moment and letting go. “Just wanted to remind you.” He teases, and I smile. (This is good. I deserve this.) 

My hand travels to my collarbone where the slight pinkness of a hickey lies, “Hopefully this doesn’t get any worse.” I joke. His eyes darken, “Maybe it’ll give those boys a reminder that you’re mine.” He says. (He still thinks something happened. He was in a bad relationship before me, he just needs to heal. I promise.)

“I should go. Someone might see.” I say before snaking my hand to caress his. He interlocks our fingers and gives me a soft smile. He slowly moves his fingers up to my face once again, this time planting his lips on mine. It’s aggressive, heated, making me inch a little backwards so I’ve almost met the wall. He’s always like this. Gripping my hair so he can control the way my head moves, moving so quickly I can barely keep up. He loves control. He feeds off of it. I know he likes that he towers over me, that he can lift me up or bring me down whenever he’d like. 

In more ways than one. 

NOVEMBER 12th, 2011, 8:23.

My birthday is slowly coming to an end. I have friends and a few people from the company who came to celebrate my birthday with me and we all sit at the restaurant, picking at the crumbs left while bursting with laughter. Everyone is of age to drink but I’ve settled happily with a fizzy sprite, attempting to enjoy the company of others. 

The whole time we’ve been at this restaurant I’ve been glancing at my phone, checking the time and texting Haneul when he’d come. Although we’re a secret, people only assume we’re just good friends. You and Haneul work great together. Was Haneul the producer behind that amazing song? Oh Kanako, you both are a dream team! They all say. But even with how good of a friend, boyfriend, whatever it is, he has yet to show up to my eighteenth birthday party. He told me he’d come, he told me had a gift for me, he told me he’d be here with me. 

He knows how hard it’s been for me to celebrate my birthday ever since my mothers death, how lonely and debilitating this day could be. How ever since recently I’ve refused to even talk about my birthday. Up until her death, I’d only spend it with her. She’d bake me the same German chocolate cake, give me the same kiss on the cheek, the same hug after I had blown out the candles. It was only ever us in our own little bubble. 

But now it’s been bursted. I’m reminded why I never do it. Even sitting at a table full of my friends they still feel like strangers. Nothing can compare to her. I though Haneul being here would make it easier, but he still hasn-

“Kanako! I’m here!” A voice says from across the room. My cheeks flush and my eyes widen. He wobbles over to our table, clutching a bottle in his hand. The hand that should be carrying my gift. Everyone at the table quiets and the silence is deafening. No one knows why he’s acting this way, why he made it such an announcement that he’s arrived. That he’s my boyfriend. 

But I know one thing for sure, he’s fucking drunk.

I sit up and clasp my hands together, “Okay everyone, I think it’s time to wrap up. I have rehearsal tomorrow.” I say quickly. Everyone's a little dumbfounded before muttering to themselves, awkwardly picking up their things. Some give me a quick hug and a happy birthday, others simply wave and exit the restaurant. This is so embarrassing. 

Haneul watches as all the guests leave. I refuse to make eye contact with him, fiddling with my wallet to place a good size of cash to pay for the dinner. He grabs my wrist, “Baby don’t do that, let me pay. It’s the least I can d-do.” He slurs, and the strong scent of alcohol lingers on his lips. And the perfume I'm choosing to ignore. I jerk my wrist away and look at him with venom in my words. 

“Don’t even touch me.” 

“Kanako…”

“Where were you?” I ask simply. 

He straightens his posture, his eyes glistening with something I’ve never seen before. “Don’t make me feel more like shit than I already do.” He says and hangs his head. 

“I’m not trying to.” I respond, placing my hand on top of his. He pulls it away, “No, you’re trying to make me feel fucking guilty. You always do.” He says and I shake my head in confusion and shock. “Haneul, you missed my birthday party. How is this my fault?” I scoff. He lifts his finger to point at me, his eyes hazy and his mouth ready to hurt, ready to see me crumble. 

“You always make me feel like a shitty boyfriend! If you don’t like it then don’t fucking be with me, alright?” He spits. How can he say this? I part my lips, ready to speak, but he’s quick to shut me up. 

“This is me Kanako,” His face gets closer to me, his breath caressing my face. His voice is almost a whimper, a plea. Like a child. “Who the fuck are you?” He breathes. I inch my face away from him in disbelief. 

I feel tears well in my eyes and scoot beside the table to escape him. “Yeah Kanako, leave! Go fuck some other guy.” He yells from our table and I hang my head in an attempt to hide my face. Anyone could recognize me, any worker could tell the tabloids what happened tonight. My twenty-three year old boyfriend yelled at me. Kanako, in a rocky relationship with her producer, leaves the restaurant in tears. I can see the headlines now. They flash in my head and I breathe heavily and push the doors to meet with the chilly autumn air. 

I speed walk away, not wanting Haneul to catch up with me, to make this any worse. I feel a burning shame in my chest, a heated embarrassment arises in my stomach ready to release itself in the form of chunky liquid. Instead I hide in an alleyway, falling to my knees and covering my mouth to muffle my sobs. This is the worst I’ve felt ever since my mother died. This feeling, this is so much bigger than me. It hurts my heart, it pains my stomach and all I want to do is to evaporate. 

I don’t have a single thought besides to hide my cries. Besides replaying the moment in my head over again, still smelling the soju on his lips and that fucking perfume. It has to be the end of us, right? This has to be my final straw. I can’t handle this any longer. The public shaming, the drunk insults, the control. My sobs sound loud and sharp, like a cat who’s been cornered. I hide my face in my palms, hearing footsteps beside me.

A single finger gently caresses my hand, and I uncover my eyes. “Haneul..please..” I choke out, unable to catch my breath. He crouches in front of me before taking me in his arms, my hands float on his back, knowing if I touch him, it’s me inviting him back. 

“I’m sorry, I-I’ll change. I promise, Kanako.” He says. My hands float there for a little while longer, my head buried in the nape of his neck, my cries much quieter and defeated this time. 

But, I touch him. I hug him back. I hold his cold, yet warm body in my hands. 

And I stay, for the apology. 

JANUARY 12TH, 2012, 9:15PM

We stay like this for a little, him devouring my mouth and his hand with a fistful of my hair. He moans into my lips and uses his other hand to press me into the wall. His tongue demands entrance and I let him, but my mind is still scared we’ll get caught. Haneul seems to mind much less than I do. 

His hand that was previously in my hair travels to my chest, torso, and then my skirt.

“N-No, not here.” I breathe. My eyes plead with him, but he has sin in his eyes. A part of me likes that he’s so eager to touch me, but another part…

“O-Oh, sorry!” A voice from the hall is heard. Haneul moves his hands away from me and we part our bodies, looking over to see who it was.

I see a familiar figure walking briskly, his back facing towards us. 

Yoongi?

click here to read more of this story!

an: the first chapter of cool about it. hope you liked it and thank you for reading!

[mintys-musings]

Rinne Amagi x Anzu x Madara Mikejima - Work Place Bonding Exercise

Happy birthday to Rinne Amagi~ hehe being self indulgent here- Held off from posting this little present on just Madara’s bday bc it involves the two of them. it's not techincally his bday everywhere currently but it is in my area. so... 💚 love my taurus men

(also i wrote this at midnight and didn't proofread so glhf im just copy pasting it from my doc into here)

Summary: Madara comes back after a month working overseas only to find Anzu has become rather close to a certain boisterous bee. (aka: Anzu Ensemble Stars thanks the heavens above for giving her two men to fuck her) Tags: slight jealousy, threesome, size kink, spitroasting, deepthroating, face fucking, degradation, praise, dacryphilia, mild mind break, office sex, squirting, unprotected sex, breeding/impreg mention (because im predictable), top!Madara Mikejima, top!Rinne Amagi, bottom!Anzu Ensemble Stars Word Count: 1399

NSFW under cut~

Madara wondered if this situation would still have happened if he was here the entire month instead of overseas. If he could just have Anzu all to himself instead of “sharing” with this loudmouthed asshole named Rinne Amagi. A small grunt escaped his lips as he roughly thrusted in and out of his precious producer. Her cries of pleasure are muffled by the cock filling her mouth.

It was after hours in the ES building. The only reason any of them were there was because of Anzu. Not because she needed help with anything. But because the two men couldn’t possibly leave her side while she works late. Madara couldn’t leave her alone with Rinne, and Rinne wouldn’t leave just to piss Madara off. Anzu was not about to let them start arguing, but tensions rose and-

“Kyaha~ You look fucking pathetic gaggin’ on my dick like that. Is it too big for you, producer~?” Rinne grabbed Anzu by the hair and moved her head up and down as he pleased. The lewd gags and gurgling noises were her only response.

Madara scowled at the way Rinne was treating Anzu like some toy. But truthfully, if he could see her face, he’d see the glassy, brainless look in her teary eyes- Just pure submission to being used by the two large men. Whether Rinne was happy about sharing was yet to be seen. 

“So hot~ Ya make a better whore than a producer. Can’t wait ‘til I get to fill that cute pussy of yours.” Rinne’s eyes flickered to Madara with a wicked smirk on his face. “‘Course I gotta wait for this guy to finish. Lost prize to go first when you moaned his name before mine.”

“Don’t talk to her like that.” Madara’s words came out in a frustrated groan. Anzu tightened up with each comment. His hands moved to spread her cheeks a little so he could see her pussy swallowing his cock, the base slightly glistening with wetness under the fluorescent light. “Fuck- Anzu- You’re taking me so well. Mama’s so proud of you~” He still took the time to praise her as he pulled her hips back against his.

Anzu let out a muffled squeal, nails digging into Rinne’s thighs as Madara got rougher in order to get more reactions out of her. If he wasn’t so focused on Anzu, he’d see the deep frown that formed on the redhead’s face as her attention was pulled away for even a second. Tears streamed down her face as she tried her best to breathe. Madara’s dick was reaching every sensitive part inside her with every thrust.

“Does it feel good, princess?” The hand that wasn’t holding her up by the waist moved down. His fingers rubbed expertly at her clit and her knees buckled slightly from trembling.

Rinne, not one to be left out, shoved Anzu’s head down onto his dick further. He could see the tears and it just made him throb even more. “C’mon, slut,” he growled. “Mama’s spoiling you too much. Ya gotta work a bit for me.”

“I’m not spoiling her.” Madara huffed, “Even if I was, she’s cute. So she deserves special treatment.”

“Yeah. Real fuckin’ cute, but she’d look cuter with cum all over her.”

Anzu did not mean to moan as delightedly as she did at the comment, but it sent shivers down Rinne’s spine as she slobbered all over him. He pulled her up by the hair in a moment of mercy so she could breathe. As soon as he did, whines and whimpers were added to the sounds coming from the three of them. She mouthed and kissed noisily along his dick, panting as she did so. “God- You’re too good at this. You were made to take cock, weren’t you?” Rinne was practically drooling at the sight himself, gripping the table he was leaning against for support.

“Only for you two~” Anzu purred, words slurred and slightly delirious. As she pumped his cock, she marveled at how small her hand looked wrapped around it. There was already a thick cock in her pussy splitting her in two. So the thought of having to take another was sending her mind into a tizzy. Even more so when she imagined having to take both at once.

Rinne groaned, gripping her hair to steady her.

“Open.”

As soon as she did as asked, Rinne shoved her head down onto him once more. Neither of the men were coordinating their thrust. They just kept going at it to fulfill their own selfish pleasure. Madara less so, but either way it meant that there was barely a moment when the producer wasn’t being filled by someone. And she loved it. Being used so thoroughly by both someone with no qualms in roughing her up and someone who took care to not hurt her in any way- Heavenly. Not to mention the fact both of these men were much larger and muscular. Being manhandled by one was already a dream. So to have both of them do so made her lose any sense of shame or control. She would be good for them alone so long as they continued to pleasure her like this.

With Anzu focused on the task at hand, Rinne didn’t last much longer. Her mouth was just too good. She was too good. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think she practiced. He would later find out that she maybe did. He pulled her up by the hair once more, free hand moving to jack himself off. With a groan, he blew his load all over her face and chest, decorating her skin with his cum. Some of it got on her tongue and she swallowed like the good girl she was. But most of it dripped down her cheeks and the corners of her lips with some splattering down onto her breast. She giggled happily, sucking lightly on his softening cock as Rinne stroked her hair.

Madara gave a deep thrust- enough to make Anzu lurch forward slightly. “Don’t forget about me here, princess.” He grabbed both of her forearms to pull behind her back, making her stand up slightly. “Mama’s almost done.”

He leaned forward to nip at her earlobe. “Mama’s going to fill your pussy with his cum~ You want that, right princess? You want Mama’s hot, sticky cum inside of you?”

Anzu nodded dumbly, moans tumbling out of her mouth. “Please~” She begged, moving her hips in time with him as best she could. Her toes curled as she felt a familiar knot form in her abdomen. “I want it~ I want it so badly~”

A hand moved to her jaw, moving her head so she’d look back slightly. Just enough so Madara could kiss her and shove his tongue into her mouth.

Rinne let out a low whistle as he slowly stroked himself to the sight. Of course, he wouldn’t just remain a passive watcher. His mouth latched onto one of Anzu’s nipples while his free hand pinched and tugged at the other, eliciting another delicious moan out of the producer.

Anzu couldn’t take it anymore. Surprising even her, she felt a spike of pleasure shoot through her as she squirted around Madara’s cock. She could very faintly hear both men curse in awe at the display of her trembling, small frame. It barely registered in her fucked out brain that they both stopped their actions to watch the liquid dribble out of her pussy. Though it definitely did register when they started again.

Madara shoved two fingers into her mouth as he pounded into her with a new vigor. Rinne squeezed and sucked her breasts hungrily, his cock now hard all over again. The two men managed to work her into another orgasm all over again before Madara snapped his hips to hers one final time. 

His tip was practically against her cervix as he came, painting her insides white. He moaned as he thrusted slowly a few more times before pulling out. “Good job, princess,” he mumbled, kissing her shoulder.

Anzu whined into the air as she was spun around and shoved towards Rinne. Impatient and horny, Rinne pressed his tip up to her leaking cunt. “Let’s mix my cum into you too~ I wanna see what kind of kid pops out later after we're done with ya…”

[mercurial-vroom]

Warning for a self-indulgent post-fic longpost 😁

Now that Grill the Grid is complete (for now! though we may be inspired to write some oneshot spin-offs, so feel free to subscribe to the series if you haven't already), I just wanted to say a longer/more personal -- and a bit more serious -- thank you here to everyone who's been reading, enjoying, and sharing!

As I mentioned in the author's notes, this is a project that my husband and I have worked on together, and creating and sharing it with all of you has been such an incredible source of joy over these last two-ish months. In case anyone was curious about the breakdown of who wrote what, he was responsible for the bulk of the more trivia-heavy chapters (both the trivia questions/format, and much of the group banter that everyone has loved so much!), and I've been responsible for the vast majority of the romantic arc (and all of the smut, lol). We came up with the idea for this fic lying in bed one evening trying to think about what sort of AU we'd feel most equipped to write, but I honestly didn't expect at that point that we'd be able to make it happen, or that it would turn into the longest bit of fiction either of us have ever written -- much less that we'd get such an unbelievably kind reception from the beautiful people who have been following the story and commenting along the way. ❤️ We are so, so appreciative for each and every one of you.

I also wanted to share below a bit of a more serious reason why I've been so incredibly grateful for the kind reception this fic has received... but honestly, the most important content of what I've wanted to say (basically just a big, fat thank you!!) is all included above, so feel free to stop reading here if you'd rather avoid some long-winded, potentially overly personal rambling!

[TW below for some TTC/fertility/pregnancy talk]

Not to be one of those authors who gets way over-sharey about life stuff, but for a while now my husband and I have been in (and are still in the midst of) a bit of a long, frustrating journey related to fertility and me trying to get pregnant. The overwhelming emotion we've both had during this time is one of feeling like we're stuck in the "intermission" of our lives -- like we're just waiting for the next act of life to begin, and have trouble finding or appreciating any new milestones or events that happen during this phase of just hoping and waiting.

Creating this fic together is something that has come out of that difficult time, and it is one of the first things that's been able to inspire in both of us a level of excitement, progress, and creative fulfillment that's been harder to achieve during this period when everything else has felt a bit like it's on "pause." Reading the jokes to each other in the evenings that we each came up with during the day has brought about a lot of laughter during times when there were otherwise a lot of stresses and tears, and reading the unbelievably kind comments people have left (or just seeing how excited people were about what we were creating) was something that's given us a sense of real purpose during a period when we've both occasionally felt a bit aimless.

Now, none of that is to say that readers/commenters need to feel responsible for either of our mental health!! This would have felt like an incredibly fun and fulfilling exercise for us even if no one ever read it besides the two of us, and we of course have a team of IRL supporters and resources helping us to get through this time. But really, I just share all this to say that your support has meant more to us than you might realize, and that it makes us unbelievably happy to see others getting even a fraction of the joy out of this story that writing it has brought to us. ❤️

So sincere thanks again to every one of you, and I'm hopeful you'll be seeing more out of the Grill the Grid 'verse soon!

[silencedrage]

my self indulgent list of ideas/dynamics/plots i want to explore - yj edition

pretty much exactly what the title says - these are mostly basic, half-formed ideas that have rapid cycled through my brain so if anything sounds interesting, come yell at me ty. nothing here is exclusive, meaning if, in the unlikely event that more than one person is interested in the same idea, i'm more than fine to explore it with multiple muns/muses because i believe each version will be unique in their own ways. the list below is also non-exclusive and i might add things to it over time, so just because it's not here doesn't mean i'm not interested!! also ocs/canons from other media are equally welcome, we will figure something out

l.ottie:

literally anything with l.aura lee

the 2 month gap between s1 and s2 in the 96 timeline - exploring a little more how they went from doomcoming to lottie leading the wilderness cult; was there ever a conversation about it with anyone?

lottie and travis over the years - it seems like trav was the only one who semi-stayed in touch with lottie, at least enough to be able to call her when he was in crisis (note: i don't view their relationship as romantic but it is Very Important to lottie)

v.an:

someone please give me natvan childhood besties and all the complexities that come with that (i.e., issues when taivan becomes a thing and tai/nat butt heads, the shit they go through in the trailer park with their parents, was van out to nat before the crash? is that why she was so casual about ben?, more strain when van starts following lottie, why don't they keep in touch post-rescue) - idk i just need it

the push-pull between tai and lottie. idk how this would get explored, i am just obsessed with this dynamic

post-breakup situationships where she gets her "needs met"; the rise of dating apps and how that affects her self-esteem, just mess

t.ai:

post-rescue (and breakup) fuckboi tai and some messy af situationships before she settles down with simone

secret meetings with shauna in the years between the timelines bc shauna had a nokia flip phone in her safe to contact tai like they were illicit lovers having an affair

tai and nat and their many discussions (and arguments) about rehab

s.hauna:

callie and/or jeff (that's it - i just need more of them)

pre-crash stuff that shows her relationship with the others outside of jackie, and also with jackie bc i feel like there's a difference between shauna and shauna when she's with jackie and that distinction comes out swinging in the wilderness

honestly like... anyone around wiskayok? could be a canon character, could be an oc, but i imagine she's almost like an urban legend around the town. other than misty, she's the only one who's stayed local (as far as we know) but on the surface she leads such a very normal, boring life. idk i just think locals would be so weird about her lmfao

n.at:

honestly any of the van/nat or tai/nat stuff that i talked about above

the on again-off again stuff with travis, the interplay with her stints in rehab, etc.

how her addiction affects her relationships with others: did she ever end up on shauna's doorstep, or van's before they lost touch? shauna doesn't trust nat in s1 and makes a lot of quips, and feels like maybe shauna's been burned by her addiction that we don't know about?

anyone she met in rehab, anyone she met in her addict circles, people who were around natalie at her lowest - who try and tempt her back, who want to see her succeed, former sponsors, people she's sponsored, etc.

anything with lisa, pls give me the babs

s.imone:

honestly i added her on a whim because i need to explore every possible permutation of simonetaivan in all of its glorious complexity

i'm trying not to delve too much into post-s2 stuff because i want to leave that for s3 so she's pretty open atm

khalida:

any and all versions of akilah pls

something with adult tai tbh? especially in a reality where akilah is not a survivor, i just think there would be something really fucking interesting to dig into there given what we've seen of akilah and tai's relationship

any of the other adult survivors too - the complexity of resentment that they made it back when Akilah didn't, while also wanting to ask them what happened to her baby sister. wanting to blame them but also seeing the horrors reflected in their eyes and knowing she could never fully judge them for anything they had to do to survive

i think the above would be especially funny/complex/tragic with misty, who probably has all of khalida's info when she kept tabs on everyone else too. misty being someone who knows what khalida will always want to know: what really happened to akilah. and misty knowing she'll never tell the truth but enjoying the power that simply having that knowledge gives her. is that fucked up? maybe, but is it anything more fucked up than what the show has already shown? not really

[steamedtangerine]

Okay....so Tumblr got walloped by a spree of empty accounts pestering any active blog with shallow follows here for over two and half months. I mentioned to someone who brought this up, that these accounts are low-effort trolling, and that in my past experience, they usually act as ground cover distraction for something far more convincing (and worse) on the way.

-so, yeah, while we were swatting at gnats, Tumblr was bombarded by a lot (A LOT) of accounts shilling like crazy for the fake-ass QAnon conspiracy fiction film "Sound of Freedom" in that time. These recent accounts were good at appearing anime ("i aM An arTIsT!") or safely "gay" or appearing like Christian mom's who get gooey over Caviezel (the worst are these incredibly fake "Catholic" accounts who have never heard of Dorothy Day and think showing a generic pic of an icon will convince others-along with the word "Catholic" in their URL-that they are the real deal). The accounts were trying really hard to "appear Tumblr", and the fact there were so many of them makes this "the big hill they wanted to die on" for this year (so far). Chances are these accounts (many with goofy pop culture reference names) are ones you wouldn't even go near following, but they very likely lurked near any popular post you had lately to beef up their cred here.

One account aptly pointed out that they sound like cultists parroting the same things "everyone must see this film!", "this film really opened my eyes" (to what? trafficking? something human rights groups have been yelling about since the 70s and 80s?), and "God's children are not for sale!"....many went as far as to get conspiratorial saying that the movie itself was a victim of a plot to undersell it, to show it in poorly air conditioned theaters, or that outlets aptly critiquing the film, like Rolling Stone, are part of the "evil Soros (((elite)))" (actual dog-whistles in use) trying to suppress the film. If the film were suppressed, it simply would've not been released. You have guys like Musk, Trump, and that antisemite, Mel Gibson supporting it.

-by far the worst and most combative spew to come from these accounts is the false dilemma of "anyone who dislikes this film is a Pedo"-oh, like we haven't heard this ugly, slanderous drivel from scores of trolls on every platform over, basically anything, in the last eight years. This ranks with "If you criticize the state of Israel's actions in Palestine, you must be antisemitic." Oddly enough, the persons involved in the film are antisemitic, far-right POSs.

Now....

If anyone had a lingering thought that this movie was typically RW deflection and projection away from all the pedophilia found within circles of RW A-holes (There have been eight guys who worked under Trump called out as pedos....this is not including Trump's heavy ties to Epstein, or associations Trump has had with pedos like Roy Moore or Matt Gaetz....just recently, an anti-abortionist named Cole Wagner was arrested for child sex abuse, and a Patriot Front member in Utah arrested with child porn)....well, guess what, the above producer of the film, Hutchinson, was filmed in 2016 feeling up the breasts of a trafficked underage girl...y'know, to stay "in that deep cover". Recently, Tim Ballard was discovered using women to "pose as wives" (y'know, that "deep cover thang") in his self-indulgent crusade, and it involved him insisting the women must shower and sleep with him. A financier for the film, Fabian Marta, was found to be a child-kidnapper, and though it is not proven, there have been wild rumors that the far-right nut Caviezel was watching child porn "for research on the subject matter".

So, yeah, the call is coming from inside the building, and anything these dead-in-the-water accounts say by praising this film is complete BS (thanks for the extensive blocklist, Tumblr).

It's bad enough you had accounts here pushing the Wayfair conspiracy crap over two years go or some that actually shilled this phony "outrage" over oil-heiress-funded fake clean-cut "climate activists" causing disruptions at events (unmasked) and "vandalizing" art work at museums that chose to no longer allow support from BP, but to come on here and stir up a repackaged QAnon like a re-heated dogturd and use that as Carte Blanche to label critics with the worst things you could possibly label someone just to protect the name of a truly rotten political party that has been going down in flames for years now is unforgivable.

This fictional film does absolutely nothing to stop the real danger of human trafficking and child pedophila. It bolsters this "white Christian man" is gonna fight the "menace across the border", rather than look at what is going on in churches and cults and scout groups and locker rooms and Olympic gymnast training committees and with the family members, friends, and coaches we think we know. It has proven again and gain, such films engender misguided Satanic Panic style hysteria and hamper the efforts of real groups trying to fight this menace for decades.

-and again, I'm sorry for the clumsy comments I left elsewhere about who was involved with what and how, but the four (at least three) I mentioned involved in the film above are now getting exposed as the hypocrites that they are.

[abubblingcandle]

i saw your recent post and i haven't read the snippet yet bc i got distracted by you saying it was hot and i think you're european right? so no AC? as someone who lives in the southeastern US, allow me to bestow some comfort tips for unreasonable summer temperatures without air conditioning. apologies if you know all this already or anything, but i'm currently surviving one of the worst heat waves i can recall in my 40+ yrs of living in the ass end of the devil's swamp so i'm a little zealous about making sure nobody is dying of heat

(my credentials are that the heat index was over 110F - 43C - every damn day for over a *month* even central air can't keep up my house hasn't been below 80 since early june)

at night, open at least two windows. put the fan in front of one of the windows, with the back facing the window, so it'll suck in cooler air. warmer air will get pushed out the other window. even better if you have two fans, have one sucking in from one window and one pushing air out the other window

during the day, keep the windows covered as much as possible and overhead lights off. i have blackout curtains for this. i have also put aluminum foil (shiny side out) on the windows like those windshield covers before. it worked but was a pain in the ass to put up and take down

wet several t-shirts and stick them in the freezer. rotate accordingly while lazing about indolently like a freeloading lion (seriously those mfers are thee worst)

ice packs on pulsepoints. wrist, groin, neck, wherever you can strap a bag of frozen peas i don't judge

keep ice water in a spray bottle and mist yourself in front of your fan for evaporative cooling. un-iced water will help too but obviously iced gets you maximum relief

the bowl of ice in front of a fan has never worked for me because it's way too humid here but depending on your humidity you could try it

i sleep with ice packs and a towel covering my pillow because the pillowcase getting sweaty is a sensory nightmare and the towel is somehow less horrifying

popsicles (i'm assuming that's what an ice lolly is?) are excellent keep it up. also to counteract the effects of sweating your balls off, you can sprinkle a little salt on the popsicles. i do this with the watermelon ones

if you are subject to the horrors of boobs in a heatwave, my remedy for swamp tits is to adhere panty liners to the part of the bra that goes under the boobs. because nobody wants swamp tits (i might also have been known to put a bag of frozen peas in my bra you do what you gotta do)

liberal and self-indulgent amounts of whining. it won't make you any cooler but at least you're sharing the misery

You are an absolute angel. Yeah I'm a northern Brit so no AC (I have taken to hiding in coffee shops where there is AC but unfortunately they ... you know ... close) and my body functions on the belief that anything above like 12C is t-shirt weather and anything above 25C is dear god no weather so I am truly not built for this 🙈 I once spent one day in 40C and it was the worst experience of my life so I could not do what you're going through!

So tips from someone who has to endure worse than this and regularly are super appreciated 🧡🧡

Some of these I did know but some of them sound like real good shouts. Unfortunately the damn health and safety of my flat means my windows open only a teeny tiny and I have slatted blinds but foil over is a super good shout.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of freezing wet t-shirts. Cause the problem I was having was wet tshirt then just turned into warm and still wet tshirt. Hence sitting in front of the fan because it then stayed cooler but frozen ... yes

And omg yes for wet pillow sensory nightmare, just had to say, yes makes my skin prickle.

Popsicles are ice lollies yes! I'm currently on a mix of strawberry frozen yoghurt ones and these absolute nostalgia on a stick

And the whining is required. Me and my dad have a daily chat and today's was talking about how shit England were in the football and both of us going "what did you do today?" "Sit about because it is too fucking hot" "Yeah me too"

[yeniasworld]

Seven months into this transition of evolution and personal change; I have completely shed my old self. As I have mentioned in previous tweets, I cannot even recall who I used to be. Am I even human, am I even real too? I deliberately distance myself from old friends and even family members. At present, no one, and I mean no one, has access to me. No one who knew me before has caught a glimpse of me except for my neighbors observing me taking a stroll or grabbing some food, sometimes appearing eccentric in my attire; insane. I presume that's what they must be thinking of me. My downgraded mini iPhone X camera is out of order to capture any images. Currently, my reflection in the mirror is the only glimpse I catch of myself. Most of the time, my mind is too preoccupied to notice all the physical and mental transformations I have undergone. From what I can gather since the onset of the year 2024, I have shed a significant amount of weight and slimmed down to a size 6. However, the last time I recall that body weight was back in February, extending into March 2024. By April, it seems like I delved deep internally once more and began gaining weight. Observing myself today, Thursday, July 11, 2024, in the mirror, it appears that some of the changes I have undergone, starting internally, include no longer adhering to a vegan diet, essentially being homeless once again, with only a roof over my head due to government benefits covering my rent directly on a monthly basis, leaving me with around £300 each month, barely enough to cover my other expenses, food, or survival. This compels me to rely on the charity app called Olio, where the main supermarket and other individuals share their leftover or soon-to-expire foods for free for collection. Without this app, I am unsure of where I would be presently. To say that I am dependent is an understatement; relying on this app to sustain me daily forces me to forego any dietary restrictions. This has resulted in physical changes, to say the least. I have consumed copious amounts of bread, bakery items, meats, essentially heavy foods. I presume my immune system must be robust now from all these starchy foods, perhaps even grown an inch or two or three; haha, this could aid me in modeling once I decide, or rather, once the universe decides that I am prepared to shed the weight and reintegrate into society. Returning to my initial point above, I have not been in control of my body, mind, spirit, and soul for months now; one could say nearly a year now. This process of surrendering to heal and become whole was in motion long before I was born and commenced as soon as I returned to London in the last week of November 2023. I may not have realized it, but I have indeed lost myself and undergone significant changes. Many of you may have noticed this from all my social media posts. I believe the last time I captured a picture or video of myself in real-time was back in March or even early April 2024. Since then, I have been reposting old content and other material I resonate with on my platforms at the moment. I have wept and struggled with myself. Nevertheless, so much has transpired that each day I was a different entity. At present, I couldn't even recount my daily activities or mental struggles if I tried; all I know is that I evolve daily in every aspect. For instance, I am aware that I have been indulging in numerous movies, TV shows (perfecting acting abilities and independently acquiring knowledge from online sources), dancing, essentially all forms of performances, compelled to practice to hone my talents. Another indication is the physical environment around me as I sit on my bed right now, which is on the floor, July 11, 2024, 21:09, surrounded by all the material possessions I have created and the artistic paintings I have adorned my walls with to illustrate the trials I have endured for months were undeniably real and that it must cease now; right now; that is all I have at present, striving to feel alive and in command...

[m0onjellies]

I’m copying @chaotic-but-cute ‘s 30 days of intentionality challenge because lowkey I do want to try to be better at existing as a human especially approaching finals, and I’ve just finished day two The things I’ve crossed down are stuff I’ve done, and commentary is in bold!!

goals

1. Health/hygiene:

Shower/do skincare/ brush and floss everyday. Did all of the above

Exercise or just touch grass at least once or twice a week

2. Academics/Extracurriculars

For all of these, double the time on weekends

Practice piano for at least half an hour a day. Yippee I did it

Spend at least 30 minutes doing homework at home. Oops lol I forgot

1-1.5 hours a day at least on speech and debate work leading up to the tournament. After the tournament, replace this time with studying for finals. I spent like 20 minutes. Close enough

2-2.5 hours a day copying art history notes. I am 8 pages away from finishing and am losing my mind

Prep for finals for at least an hour a day (and 3-3.5 hours a day once I’m done with art history) I just didn’t ngl which is bad

Start this before 5. I and schedule with calendar(?)

Go to a coffee shop or a library or smth to study at least once a week for enrichment

3. Other personal goals

Read at least 5 pages/day of any book and 30 pages/day on weekends. God I love reading actually

Spend a little bit of time (even if it’s just 10 minutes) researching activities I want to do in the future! I didn’t :/

Clean my room every week

Indulge in a little bit of whimsy and fun! Listen to music I like or draw or do something other than scroll and feel numb. I kinda did this but not to the extend I would like to :/

Wear fun little outfits to school! (10 times this month). (1/10)

I may have to reconsider how I do this project thing, cuz i don’t think 5 hours of work after school per day is a reasonable expectation to have. Idk what I’ll change it to, but I do feel overwhelmed a bit by my zeal, which is bad. 👍. I forgot that doing little self care things is good, but doesn’t take away from the harm of stress and overwork which is bad

All of my posts for this project thingy are under be under ares.txt and 30days.txt!

[sunshine-for-serotonin]

Self indulgent Nsfw Erik Destler Post!!

Based on my headcannons

Tags(warnings????):French, stalking, Yandere Erik, clothes stealing, dacryphillia, male masturbation, desperate Erik, light overstim, light edging, Erik really needs you to fuck him senseless, modern!reader ended up in 1800s France through magic means

It truthfully hadn’t been a slow thing, Erik thought. You had shown up so suddenly through a portal in the middle of an opera practice giving everyone a fright. Many people were quick to accuse the opera ghost of trickery, however thankfully you were able to convince the managers of your innocence, and were offered to stay as long as you helped around on set. Rather unfortunately for you though, Erik had taken a special interest in you. Christine long forgotten, Erik watched how you interacted with everyone and noted just how kind and ethereal you were, and soon enough, him watching you interact with others turned into watching you during his every waking moment.

Eventually after some more stalking, Erik decides he is ready to let you meet him. Upon leaving a rabbit trail of notes detailing you on how to make your way below the opera populair, you find him standing in front of his boat, almost nervous in stature. After brief introductions you decided to talk more in-depth with the famous opera ghost, and you found yourself growing fond of him, even setting up times to visit the masked man of your own accord! As for Erik, he seemed to spiral down the rabbit hole of love faster than he ever had before. Images of you embracing him, or the two of you kissing and experiencing other romantic moments plagued him in his sleep, and when you hugged him for the first time, he officially passed the point of no return.

It started off with small things at first, taking items like hair ties, strands from your hairbrush, and even your soaps, things that you could easily brush off as simply being misplaced. Eventually though, Erik began to take larger things, like your favorite night gown, your bras, and even your favorite pair of lacey underwear. Of course you had your suspicions about Erik, but that all slipped to the back of your mind as the month of the crews biggest opera was upon you, leading Erik to where he was now.

Truly he didn’t mean to catch you while you were dressing, it was simply an accident! But here he was in your closet, the place he was just about to exit to see you before he became fully aware of the sight in front of him. Erik bit down on misshapen lip hard, hands hovering over his pants, desperate to ground himself before he lost his composure and made a mess in your closet at the sight of your bare visage. Quickly turning on his heel Erik moved the false wall that lead to his underground abode, walking as fast as he physically could without breaking into a dead sprint. Heavy pants left Erik’s mouth as he made it to his sleeping quarters, and he was sure his face was a brilliant rouge hue as he removed his mask and wig. Wasting no time Erik got on his knees and opened the top drawer from underneath his vanities mirror, pulling out a pair of your dirty lingerie and what he believed he remembered you calling a ‘hoodie’. Quickly yet gently, he placed the clothing articles onto his sheets as he stripped himself bare and clambered back onto his bed. Rolling over to the side, Erik quickly snatched up one of your pillows he stole as well as your lingerie. Eriks body was practically in up in flames as he let his fantasies take over; your body positioned above his hips as you lowered your top half to kiss him passionately, the way your pussy would rub up the length of his cock to tease him as you smiled into the kiss. Eriks neck was just waiting for you to mark him up, he thought to himself, for your lips to suck on his skin and your teeth to play with him as you saw fit. Deciding he needed to be completely surrounded by the closest thing he could get to the real you, Erik hastily shoved your stolen hoodie over his gangly body as he had seen you do so many times before.

Grasping at your lacy underwear and raising the article to his mouth and nose, Erik took several deep inhales while his free hand roamed over pale flesh, massaging circles into his hips as they jutted into the air uncontrollably and his back arched, desperate for your soft touches. He wanted you so, so badly, wanted your hands all over his body and your lips on his as he made you feel good in anyway you wanted. Low and high pitched moans alike spilled from Eriks mouth as he began to lick and suck on the fabric of your underwear, wishing it was you he was mouthing at. Closing his eyes Erik imagined you there with him in that moment, cooing at him and calling him a good boy for eating you out so good, the way your thighs would wrap around his head and squeeze as he pushed you over the edge, how absolutely delicious you would taste as Erik pushed his tongue as deep as he could inside of you to desperately drink down your orgasm while you lovingly caressed his face. Eventually his free hand began to palm at his erection roughly causing his moans to increase as beads of precum dripped down his cock onto his stomach and the hem of your hoodie. Desperate cries of your name spilled from Eriks deformed mouth as he brought himself to the edge, teasing and tugging at his cocks head just like he imagined you would, only to pull back abruptly, practically mewling at the loss of touch. “ Mon a-ange, I need more! Please, please, p-please, oh- it feels so good, I-I feel so good! Please touch me more, please!” At those words Erik scrambled to grab at your pillow before pulling it as tight as he could to his body, his cock snuggly positioned in between his stomach and the satin case. Letting out needy whimpers and whines, Erik began to grind against your pillow rapidly while your name fell from his lips like a prayer. Images of you on top of him sent Erik’s mind absolutely reeling, he could practically taste your lips on his and feel the way you would clench around him as you reached your own climax. “Please, I-I-I- hmnnh- I’ll b-be, ahh- I’ll be so good for you, mmm-!!” No sooner had those words left Eriks mouth, Erik orgasmed hard as tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. “ Merci! Merci, mon cheri! Please keep going! I feel so good, I feel so good!! Je t’aime, je t’aime, j-je t-t’aime!!!” Erik couldn’t help himself as his speech slurred and stuttered with the overwhelming amount of pleasure assaulting his senses, and yet all he did was hold your pillow tighter and grind even faster as teardrops fell from his glassy eyes. He wanted you here with him right now! Wanted you to use him for your pleasure and tell him he was doing so good for you! Erik needed you to kiss him till he was breathless and fuck him dumb, marking him with your lips all over his body! He needed you to tell him in between moans how much you loved him, how he belonged only to you, and that you would never leave him for anything! “Im yours!! Im all yours, mon ange!!! Please orgasm for me please, please, please!!!! Use me, tell me I’m yours, mon ange please!!!” More tears slipped down Erik’s face as his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and with a final broken high pitched moan Eriks hips stuttered as cum once again splattered onto your pillow and his lower abdomen. After a few seconds of calming down Erik rolled to his side and grabbed a fresh pillow, and gently maneuvered your hoodie from his body onto it with the grace of someone handling a priceless artifact. “Je t’aime, mon amour. I hope that someday this will be real….. je t’aime.” Erik kissed the pillow that was wrapped in both your hoodie and his arms before finally drifting off to sleep with a smile on his face and you in his dreams.

[diaryofabeautyfiend]

Tragic Kingdom

(I know the above gif is from OUAT. Don't come for me. I like Josh Dallas more than Zachary Levi)

I have been writing this for a while and was afraid to post it because it is a bit self indulgent. But, that's why we write this stuff right? Anyway. Here it is. WARNINGS: 18+ please.

I have been writing this story for months and I have no idea where I'm going but here it is.

The day you were born there was a terrible storm. The palace midwives had to deliver you under flickering lamplight through fierce winds. They say when you let out your first cry, there was a clap of thunder so loud the walls shook. Your mother swore it was your seiðr passing through the heavens into your tiny body. The magic was the very same practiced by her and all her mothers before her.

In another room entirely at the breast of his nurse was Loki. When the thunder boomed he smiled and clapped as though he was waiting for you. And perhaps, if midwives and nurses were to be believed, the little Prince was doing just that. Waiting for his partner in crime.

And what a fright the two of you were. As babbling toddlers you terrorized any young nurse who dared to manage you. If Loki wasn’t cloning himself you were vanishing into thin air. By the end of their shift some of the poor dears left shaking. It got to a point that Frigga herself had to bind your powers until you were mature enough to wield them.

Even without powers you managed to create all sorts of chaos. Loki truly earned his moniker as the god of mischief. You happily followed along with every prank he came up with. Torturing Thor was among your favorite games. You meant no harm really. And, your little self couldn’t do much damage to him anyway. Of course the older boy took it in stride and doled out just as much torture as you. You supposed this is what it felt like to have siblings.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You were the only child Kasper and Astrid bore. Kasper was Odin’s top general for millennia and his most trusted adviser. It was only natural for Astrid and Frigga to be just as close. Both women hailed from magical backgrounds and spent hours toiling until their husbands arrived home from battle. Astrid was a formidable healer and managed the entire fleet. There wasn’t a healer in the realm who didn’t learn at her hand.

The time had come for you to begin your apprenticeship with your mother and Frigga and Loki would begin taking on the duties of a Prince. You spent hours learning about herbs and spells while Loki learned military strategy and swordsmanship. At the end of the day, you would meet in the library to debrief.

“I trained with a broadsword today. Too short. I’d like one with at least three fullers and a lighter steel. Better for thrusting and slashing. What did you do today?” He was genuinely interested to learn what you learned. While knives and swords were infinitely more entertaining than lying about all day, he missed his mother. He missed you.

You couldn’t hide your jealousy from Loki. You begged your father mercilessly to allow you to train. He dismissed your requests and sent you back to your mother. No place for a lady is all he said. Loki tried to hide his smile when he saw the anger build in your face, “Oh it was fascinating. I learned all about wolfsbane and it’s proper care and handling.” You rolled your eyes, “Not all of us can have as joyous a day as you, my prince.”

“Don’t be a brat. Be grateful that you have a purpose more important than simply marrying and bearing children. Though, I suppose that is expected of you as well.” He rested his chin on your shoulder pulling you in tight against his body.

Your whole face flushed at the gesture. You’ve always carried feelings for Loki though you’d never admit to them. It never occurred to you that you wanted more until he began dating. And the term “dating” is used rather loosely. Loki would bed anyone and anything warm blooded. To the outward observer, Loki is a cold and cunning miscreant who left a trail of broken hearts. There wasn’t a chambermaid in the palace who hadn’t warmed his bed. Loki developed quite the reputation. With you, he was always gentle and, in private, he cherished you. You knew Loki would likely never marry outside of the realm. Thor was the heir to the throne so his future bride would need to be someone of great political stature to strengthen the realms. Loki could marry whomever he chose. It was always in the back of your mother’s mind that you would marry Loki uniting your two families for a lifetime. However, as Loki’s trysts became public knowledge, your father shut down those thoughts. He never wanted you to be disrespected and Loki was nothing if not a scoundrel. In your heart of hearts you held out hope that maybe an arrangement could be made. Loki wouldn’t hear of it. The whole institution of marriage was abhorrent to him. Loki has a long life ahead of him and he intends to live it to the fullest.

“You could ask for my hand. That way we don’t have to worry about all the trappings of marriage.” He kissed your temple and squeezed you tighter.

“But don’t you want to marry for love, kjære?”

That stung. You and Loki adored each other, sure. But he clearly had no romantic thoughts for you. “Don’t we love each other?” you asked to test the waters. “I love you.”

With a deep sigh he nuzzled your hair, “I do love you. Have since you were born. But not the way your husband would. Not the way you deserve to be loved.”

Before you died of embarrassment you pulled away from him and went back to your book. “What I deserve is to choose the way I live my life. Lady Sif has started to train with the rest of the soldiers. Why can’t I?”

“Lady Sif is a brute. Her talents are with a sword. While you are brilliant with a blade you’re far more effective with your magic.”

“Sif’s more effective with what’s between her legs. Perhaps I should put myself to use in the same way to get what I want.” For a split second you thought you saw Loki blush. Anger bubbled in your chest at his physical admission to their relationship. “Point proven.” You poked at his cheek and he batted your hand away.

“Speaking of poor decisions, I’m off to the feast. Don’t stay up too late, pet.” He kissed your forehead and got up from the table.

“Can I come? Please, Loki. I never get to go to the feasts.”

His eyes widened, “Your father would have my head. Drunken debauchery is absolutely no place for you. Good girls who want husbands don’t attend parties.”

You rolled your eyes as he bounced excitedly from the room. “Lady Sif gets to go!” You yelled after him.

“Exactly my point.” he bellowed from the hall.

You were sick and tired of being treated like a child. If it were up to Loki, you’d be locked in a tower nose buried in a book until it was time for you to court. You wondered if Loki ever gave any real thought that you would marry. Not that your endless studying would do you any good. Most men didn’t appreciate women who were smarter than them. Men didn’t want rousing debates with their wives. Even Loki didn’t seem to find that attractive. If he had, you’d be together.

You stayed up for several more hours. When your eyes couldn’t keep open any longer you went back to your room. On the way you heard giggling and stumbling feet. You hid behind a column only to see Loki and your chambermaid carrying on together. You stilled yourself trying to be invisible as you watched her drop to her knees.

You wished he wanted you that way. Longed to be the one making him throw his head back and moan your name. You forgot yourself for a moment and slowly crept out of your hiding space to get a better look. Loki caught sight of you and froze in his movements. He quickly concealed his erection still panting with lust blown pupils. His cheeks were flushed and his hair wild. “My lady, you shouldn’t be out at this hour. Go to bed.” he commanded. He had the gall to order you back to your room as if he had any such authority to do so. You were mortified. With a clenched throat and tears in your eyes you stumbled over an apology.

“I…I’m sorry, my Prince.” You ran to your room not daring to look back at them. Tears streamed hot down your cheeks as you sobbed into your pillow. He spoke to you in the same manner as a parent would speak to their child.

Moments later you heard him tapping on your door. You hid under your covers pretending to be asleep. What could he have possibly wanted? He absolutely wouldn’t apologize. Likely he was coming to scold you for interrupting. You planned to avoid him the next day.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When your chambermaid entered the next morning you were already dressed and out of bed. You barely acknowledged her when she said good morning. She set your tea and breakfast on the table and picked up the tools she needed to style your hair. “That’ll be all Hanna.” You had never been so short with her before. She thought it best to apologize for last night.

“My lady, I want to say I’m sorry for my behavior. It was not appropriate. It will not happen again.” She looked genuinely sorry but you were still fuming.

“Hanna, how you spend your free time is not of my concern. However, I do expect a certain level of decorum. Anyone else would have relieved you of your duties. If you prefer to….handle Prince Loki, I’ll allow it. If you wish to continue your time with me I will never know of your escapades again. Am I clear?”

Her lip quivered, “Yes, ma’am.” She lowered her head and made haste out of your room. Hanna passed Fandral walking through the hallway. “My lord.” Her voice shook.

He chuckled to himself recalling Loki’s story at the stables this morning of how he was discovered. When you came striding out nose high in the air, Fandral couldn’t help but laugh hysterically. “Did you make poor Hanna cry, my lady?”

“I’m sure I do not know what you mean, my lord. Good day.” Your pace quickened towards the library.

He grabbed your arm, turning you on your heels. “As vicious as she is beautiful. Come now. You mustn’t blame poor Hanna when the one you’re really angry with is Loki.”

“I’m not angry with anyone. Why would I have any reason to be angry? I don’t own Loki. We’re not betrothed. He does as he wishes.”

His eyes softened, “Because you’re in love with him. Everyone sees it. The way you moon over him is adorable.”

You square your shoulders and step out of his grasp, “My feelings, sir, are my business. I am sure you have far more important things to attend to this morning. Now if I may take my leave.”

He held his hands up in surrender as you stomped away. “For what it’s worth I think he is mad to ignore a fine creature such as yourself. Any man would be blessed by the gods to be yours.”

“And I suppose you know such a man?” You were speaking in jest but genuinely wished he would make a move. All of Thor and Loki’s friends were nice enough to you but Fandral relentlessly flirted with you. It always drove Loki crazy that the blonde was so brazen which amused Fandral endlessly. At first the flirting was just to get under Loki’s skin but, as you blossomed a little more, he found himself getting a little flustered in your presence. You enjoyed the attention especially from him.

“Dare I dream that man could be me?”

“There’s no harm in dreaming.” You winked at him and hurried away to the library leaving behind a very hopeful gentleman.

Surely everyone doesn’t know how you feel. To think you were that obvious. The library was mercifully empty at this time of morning. The words blurred on the page through the angry tears that were trying to escape. It was impossible to focus.

If Fandral knew about this incident then they must talk about you often. Norns! Did they laugh about you? You must seem so puerile that it is hard to take you seriously as their peer, much less a woman with whom any man would want a romance.

It occurred to you that you had never dared to ask about attending parties because Loki made you think your father would hang him for taking you. You knew better. You were an adult. It wasn’t as though your parents locked you away in a dark tower. Loki wanted to keep you tucked away for himself. You were his little treasure. It was about damn time you stepped out on your own and out of his shadow. Tonight you would feast and dance and drink like the lot of them. Loki be damned.

You went back toward the armory where Fandral would be. He set your thoughts in motion. He could at least help you prepare for this evening. Everyone would expect you to be awkward never once leaving Loki’s side. You wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. At least you knew you had an ally in Fandral.

He spotted you with an arrogant twinkle in his eye, “Have you come to put me in my place again?”

“No,” your fingers knotted together, “I am coming to the feast tonight and I don’t know how to dance. Will you teach me?” He would have laughed had you not been so embarrassed.

“I would be honored.” He held out his hand and bowed. You took it with great trepidation but you relaxed under his gaze. He was warm and tender and, most importantly, patient. There was no music so he hummed to keep time. Once you were confident enough you halted your practice.

“Am I horrible? Be honest.” Your forehead glistened with sweat that you dabbed away with your sleeve.

“You are a quick study. Very light on your feet. Should you feel nervous this evening, I shall be elated to sweep you around the dance floor.” You bowed to each other once more and did not immediately drop hands. For a fleeting second, you stared into each other’s eyes. His gentleness is what reeled you in to this moment. This moment where you no longer cared about Loki and hidden feelings. They no longer served you. Not when you were staring into the kind eyes of this golden boy.

His hand fell to the small of your back and just when your lips were about to touch, Loki and Thor bounded into the room. You giggled nervously and murmured something unintelligible as you ran from the room.

Fandral pretended as though nothing was amiss though the tension was palpable. The god circled him, sizing him up poised for action. “What exactly was lady Y/n doing here?”

Fandral squared his shoulders, “She asked me to teach her to dance. She didn’t want to embarrass herself at the feast this evening.”

A million things ran through Loki’s head all of which were ways to keep you away. He didn’t want you to see him with another woman. Before last night, you had never seen him with anyone else. He was so careful to keep you separated from the drunken embarrassment everyone painted him to be. With you he did not have to keep up appearances. He closed the space between himself and Fandral speaking in a low toneless voice, “If I ever catch you with your hands on her again, you will beg for death. Am I clear?”

Fandral inched closer so they were nearly touching. He felt compelled to defend your honor. “She doesn’t belong to you.” Loki seethed with anger. The thought of you with a man made him sick. “You are either blind or unbelievably cruel to ignore her feelings. I should think it’s the latter.”

It wasn’t as though he never thought of bedding you. You had blossomed into a beautiful woman right before his very eyes. He would be foolish not to think of you that way. Loki thought himself incapable of loving anyone. To think of treating you as he treated others made him sick. Furthermore, if he gave in to your feelings, he was scared you would want more from him. More than he was able to give. He always thought the Norns made you for him. The other half of his soul. His most treasured gift. You were his. And, because you love him so completely, you would remain a constant in his life. It seemed you grew tired of him keeping you for himself and now you were moving on. He could not bear the thought of you belonging to someone else. If physical intimacy was what you needed to keep you, he would give it to you.

He barged into your room only to find Hanna setting out your night clothes. “Prince Loki. My lady has gone for the evening.” She moved to touch him, looking at him through her lashes poised to pleasure him when he caught her wrist. Her face fell, “My apologies. I thought…”

“Do you know where she went?” His voice was deadly cold.

“The banquet hall.” She stuttered. He flew out of your chambers to the hall to find you. He fully expected you to be huddled in the corner but you were doing the exact opposite. In a blush colored frock split down to your navel, you laughed and drank with the rest of the crew. You did not even bother to look up when he cleared his throat to announce himself. Fandral straightened his spine making eye contact with him and flashed a debonair smile his way.

The musicians began playing a spirited tune perfect for showing off your new moves. “My lord?” You held out your hand to the blonde who accepted with a laugh. Loki glared at the two of you, fire snapping in his gaze. You were not nervous or timid but confident and, dare he think it, graceful.

“Let’s see what you’ve got, my lady.” As Fandral whisked you round the floor, the rest of the group was silent. If looks could kill, the two of you would be corpses. Just as practiced, the two of you bounced and swished through the song smiling and giggling the whole time. Before you could catch your breath the music slowed and, instead of sitting down, he pulled you close. “It’s just a simple box step. Follow my lead. 1..2..3….1..2..3…” You rested your head on his shoulder allowing him to touch you. The tension you felt earlier was mounting again, knotting in your belly. He felt it too. You gazed up at him, wet your lips and let your eyes flutter closed. If he kissed you in front of Loki, he would be dead before he knew what hit him. The song ended and he bowed. The look on your face made his heart lurch.

“Did I do something wrong?” Your voice was small and hurt. He knew nothing at this moment other than he never wanted to cause you pain again.

“No, my darling. You were wonderful. We cannot do this here. Too many judging eyes.” You followed his glances to see Loki seething at one table and Elanora (Fandral’a former lover) pouting at another. “I want nothing more than to kiss you until you are void of breath. We just have to be smart. We’ll stay for a little while longer then slip out when they’re all good and drunk.” You nodded and headed back to the table.

Waiting for the perfect moment was tricky. Loki didn’t seem to be drinking as heartily as usual and he had no women to entertain. He watched you share stolen glances and secret touches with Fandral the whole night. Everyone did. Even Volstagg who was usually blissfully unaware of anyone but himself. He leaned in to speak in his friend’s ear. “I hope you know what you are doing, my friend. You know Loki’s pet is off limits.”

Fandral tamped down his anger with another swallow of his drink, “Lady Y/N is no one’s pet. She does as she chooses and tonight, she has finally chosen me. Loki can find another plaything.”

With a hearty laugh Volstagg slapped his brother on the back, “You finally wore her down I see.” The entire table turned to look at him. Fandral coughed and shot you an apologetic look. If your plan was to make Loki die of jealousy it was working. He would have Fandral banished for this.

After several more rounds you grew tired of waiting and took your leave. You offered a quick and quiet good evening, careful to catch Fandral’s eye. He nodded as Thor helped you out of the crowd. Loki was nowhere to be seen

The plan was to go back to your room where Fandral would meet you. No sooner did you make it out of the door did you feel Loki’s hand wrapped around your wrist. You jumped at his touch but he didn’t relent.

“I’ll walk you back.”

“I am sure I can manage.”

“You’ve been avoiding me. Why?” You tried to look past him praying Fandral stayed put. “Kjære, answer me.”

“I am embarrassed. I have always known of your proclivities but to see you with another woman caused me more pain than I can stand.” Fandral slipped out of the door and to your room undetected. You let out the breath you were holding once he was out of view.

“Why haven’t you said anything? Why haven’t you told me how you feel?” His breath tickled your forehead. He kissed you so tenderly that you nearly forgot what you were doing. On any other night, you would play right into Loki’s hands. He would give you just enough to keep you hanging on. Not tonight. Tonight you would not have to wish for love. It was already waiting for you.

“What would have changed? You have no feelings for me. You said as much in the library. You don’t love me the way I deserve.”

“I do not wish to ruin us. You are far too precious to me. But, if fucking you into oblivion would make you happy, I will endeavor to do just that.” He kissed you on your cheek then hovered in front of your lips where you stopped him.

“Will you be any more in love with me afterwards?” He had no answer because he honestly did not know. With that, you gently removed his hands from your waist and walked away without looking back. For the first time in years, Loki went to bed alone lost in thought.

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Fandral paced the length of your room until he heard your soft footfalls. This was madness. He was explicitly forbidden from touching you. Loki will see him hanged for this. Then again, when has he ever done anything someone told him to do? He genuinely enjoyed your company. And, if you’ll allow him, he will worship every inch of you.

Your cheeks were rosy and your breast heaved from running. “I thought he would never let me go.” Fandral’s hands were finally on you and you could barely catch your breath. He kissed his way up the column of your neck savoring the sweet sting of alcohol still lingering on your breath. You felt more aroused in this moment than you had in your entire life. You whimpered as he sucked at your pulse.

“What do you want? Tell me and I will make it so.” His breath was hot against your skin. You could not begin to answer the question. Your knowledge of sex was limited to say the least.

“I’ll follow your lead, my lord.” He removed his tunic and freed his swollen member. You reached out to touch it, making him hiss. Holding your hand he guided yours up and down his shaft making sure to gather as much of his leaking seed as lubricant.

“Yes, my darling. You are doing so well.” The more he moaned the faster you went relishing the power this held. He stopped you when it became too much. His hands made quick work of unclasping the back of your dress freeing your breasts where he buried his face. His hands roamed and explored your body touching every soft curve. You were panting with need

“Please…oh my…” Through your silken splendor his fingers worked up a rhythm that had you pleading for relief. He slipped off your dress the rest of the way and led you to your bed, never breaking contact. A low wail left your lips as the knot in your belly broke. You could have stopped right there but he was hardly finished.

“Is this your first time?” He asked in between kisses. You nodded. “Do you want me to stop?” You shook your head quickly “no”. He chuckled at your admission. “I am going to go slow. If it’s too much…”

“Fuck me.” You whispered in his ear. That’s all he needed. He eased into your soaked core feeling every velvety inch of you. You both groaned at the sensation. It wasn’t long before your pleasure built. His hand slotted between your bodies working your clit bringing you both to your end. He pulled out quickly keeping his pace on the tiny little button as he released in hot spurts over your tummy and breasts while you whined and mewled through your own release in his hand.

He collapsed onto the bed and kissed you so deeply that it truly felt as though he had stolen your breath. Fandral kept his promises.

Your limbs felt heavy and your eyelids started to droop. “It’s almost dawn. I wish I could lie in your arms forever but I should go before we’re caught.” He dressed enough to slip through the halls.

“Thank you for tonight.” You smiled lazily at him as you burrowed under your blankets.

“I assure you, my lady, the pleasure was all mine.” He kissed you once more, “Until we meet again.”