#and a gender expression thing but thats for another post

[woundedoves]

Yan!Playboy(OC) x GN!Reader

this is like a… plot but im gonna be busy for a bit so i wanted to at least post something! you can send requests or questions about every yandere type i’ve done btw! id be hapy to hear your thoughts<3

warnings: possessiveness, toxic asshole alert, beating the shit out of someone (not the reader obvs dont worry), not proofread!

thinking about a hypocrite yandere!playboy. says you cant touch anyone cant have sex with anyone but him, but he is free to fool around however the hell he wants.

you would protest if he wasnt capable of absolutely demolishing your financial and social life, i mean you’re a virgin anyways but god, you really wanted to lose it in college.

yan!playboy who puts these restrictions for you! yes darling<3 we cant have those filthy fucks who’ve fucked the whole campus ever lay a hand on you, no no no that would ruin you. thats why he has never gone over flirting with you, he’s too afraid to taint that perfect image of you that he made up in his mind. that you’re this meek little thing that would never ever disobey what he wants as long as he got you whatever you wanted!

he invites you to a party, you tell him you’ve never been to one before. of course! you’re all so new to this so you’ll be his + 1 for the night, isnt that great?<3 until he gets a few shots down and starts acting like a horn dog like he always is to anyone that slightly looks like you or is the same gender as you, he’s all over them all while looking at you and telling you to keep watching because fuck, your expressions and your attention are so euphorically orgasmic that he can’t even imagine how that perfect fuckin body of yours would feel against his used up one.

once he gets drunk as absolute all hell and you finally get sick of his shit you just try to get out but the person you’ve been eyeing since the start of the semester comes up to you . one thing leads to another and you’re there , on one of the bedrooms of fuck knows whos villa, you’re making out and god you almost forgot how fucking good it felt to have another persons lips on yours; shivering as their hands reach your skin and carress you just right.

yan!playboy just a stumbling mess, murmuring your name and looking around for you until he opens his bedroom door to see you making out with that fuckin asshole on his bed. instantly sobering up, he yanks the person from their collar just as you gasp in horror as he proceeds to beat the shit of them. telling them to get the fuck out before he really shows them what money can hide and do, and they obviously do leave with a concerned look at you through their bruised eyes.

yan!playboy turns to look at you, he’s fucking furious, “what? i leave you for 5 fucking minutes and you go to suck off a loser’s face? are you that desperate?!” you get up, tears are bubbling up and threatening to spill as your voice wavers, “YOU are the one grinding on people while telling ME to watch! what the fuck do you expec-“ your words are cut short as he takes you by your nape and meets your lips with a really harsh kiss. making you groan in pain as he nips on your lower lip, he takes your face in his hands with force, making you look straight into his eyes

“you’re mine. you got that? you’re mine and only mine and if i see another fucker ever touch you i swear to god ill fucking kill them and lock you up and collar your pretty neck so you’ll finally be a good fucking pet. got it, darling?”

[kaphzzz]

so i saw a couple posts about how arthur is sexist and racist and i'm not defending him because ive got a filter on but i do think some things are debatable. a few things got blown out of proportion and overanalysed i think.

first off i agree by today's standards hes definitely got some views to correct such as gender roles and not resorting to telling a woman to go to the kitchen as an insult, but at that time hes about as feminist as you get from a man. he says he doesnt think women and men are all that different, and he doesnt show any doubt at all regarding the capabilities of the women in the gang. many times hes expressed his belief that the women such as tilly or mary beth are skilled and capable of fending for themselves. he frequently shows his vulnerable side to the women in camp. when sadie made it firm that she wanted to be a fighter he allowed her to do it, barely even hesitated. i think he only mocked her because hes irritated at the commotion she and pearson caused in the middle of the camp, and also when isnt he sarcastic?

about the womens suffrage march: yeah he goes only because he's getting paid but he doesnt mock them for their cause and isnt afraid to be seen among them or to be perceived as an ally to their cause. considering the amount of angry men gathered at the protest who would have died of shame if anyone thought they were allies to feminism i think the contrast is clear enough.

'arthur as a lover would force gender roles' i genuinely dont think he would. the girls in the gang do chores because ms grimshaw is in charge of them and arthur has nothing to do with it, hes in fact more assured of their mission success when the girls are involved. he trusts sadie in a fight with his life. he meets charlotte and offers to teach her, without her asking him, to handle a gun to hunt and be independent, not once does he tell her to go back to her cozy life in the city or find another man to rely on beyond offering to get her somewhere she can get food. he goes out of his way to help mary, even when he realises he has nothing to gain from it. these are his views on what a woman should or shouldnt do and it wont change just because said woman is his partner. and i dont even ship him and sadie but i totally get it, i think he'd love a woman who can handle herself both in life and in a fight. this is also why so many people thought he had insane chemistry with black belle and there are even fanworks out there of the two. he doesnt get to meet too many but he's nothing but impressed and respectful when he meets a strong woman. and sure, if his partner is and just wants to be a wife in a traditional wife role, arthur'd be totally fine with it, he'd probably love to have someone stay in their home caring for it and waiting for him. but i also think he wouldnt be opposed to someone who can accompany him when hes out and about and who he can entrust his life to either.

'he lost his temper at mary' okay why wouldnt anyone? thats an understandable reaction for anyone in the circumstances. he's gone to meet who is probably the only person he has ever loved romantically and still loves, and all she does is criticise him for his outlaw lifestyle while at the same time expecting him to help her using the skills he gained from that life. im not going to say shes using him or being manipulative but it comes close, which is a whole other debate and i dont want to get into it but mary isn't in the right either. they talk to each other as equals too, their argument and the way they talk to each othet just supports that. when he got angry he realises his mistake and tries to calm himself down immediately when mary tells him to be kind to her. any truly sexist man who believes in a man's role in a relationship wouldnt even have listened. there were and are enough men in relationships who dont listen to their female partners or accept criticism from them or would even escalate the situation but arthur is not one of them.

about him being racist - this is a no brainer honestly he wasnt racist in 1899 and not racist now. sure you can say hes ignorant and uneducated on racism issues but thats not the same as being racist or accusing him of racism. the only thing i see people have to support the racism argument is that he referred to javier as a 'greaser' during the boat heist, but thats i think the only time he says a slur and thats only because he's got a role to play and hes simply saying whatever the manager expected from his act. he thinks of javier as family and all of the non white people in the gang too, quite obviously.

and lastly yes i agree hes a flawed person, charles calls him out on not wanting to help the germans or the tribe of his own will, lenny calls him out on not realising that the south is dangerous for him and tilly and charles to be in, in fact many people put him in his place by telling him exactly where hes wrong. he is often offending people whether he means to or not, and in certain situations quick to lose his temper or resort to violence, but he is also a kind and caring and sensitive person. i dont think we need to be squinting so hard between the lines to know that hes a good person when he doesnt have to be the violent brute dutch shaped him into for the gang.

so anyway i totally agree hes not some pure pookie wookie cinammon roll capable of no wrong and definitely has a lot of flaws besides the crimes, but i dont think racism or sexism are among them.

everyone has their own understanding of a character, i dont normally want to get involved in debate but if anyone does want to discuss then do but keep it civil

[alienaiver]

Proposals Plus One

Iwaizumi Hajime x gn!reader

warnings: spoilers and references to Godzilla Minus One, it is gender neutral but you are being proposed to ! <3 also iwa gives oikawa the finger if thats not ur thing wordcount: 2.4k content: FLUFF, proposals, genderneutral reader, poc!friendly and body positive reader, Childhood friends to lovers trope, SFW, No use of y/n, canon compliant, post-timeskip, one-shot, established relationship, use of honorifics (iwa-chan is the only one, by oikawa of course), this was supposed to be a drabble hi, also oikawa appears at 5ish am in argentina, i salute him for his dedicated friendship

notes: when i describe iwaizumi watching the movie i basically just described myself LMFAO!!! anyways.. i wanted this to be a let-iwaizumi-experience-my-favorite-movie but it turned into... this! i hope u enjoy heheh <:) <33 PLEASE enjoy my title pun as a reference to Godzilla Minus One!!!!!

Iwaizumi’s hands are not still for more than a few seconds at a time during the little more than two hours you spend in the cinema. They shift between grasping onto his soda or taking the popcorn from you – only to put them back onto your lap, or grasp onto your hand like his life depends on it. Especially during the big, cinematic scenes. When Godzilla starts to charge the atomic beam attack, you hear him take a sharp intake and lean into you, like he really can’t contain his own mortal vessel.

It’s really cute.

You’re glad he brought you along with him, even if you’d been hesitant to begin with.

“Oikawa always goes with you,” you tried to argue, “I don’t want to take his spot.”

Iwaizumi had lowered his gaze and tried to hide his expression when he admitted that Oikawa wouldn’t be in Japan for the release. You genuinely thought he would, so you couldn’t hide the surprise at the admission. “So… you’re not imposing yourself.” he’d grunted afterwards and got up from the dining table, “but you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

Whenever there’s a big action scene, like when Noriko falls from the open and destroyed train free-fall into a pool of water or when Godzilla destroys the cinema, he leans forward in his seat before he looks at you and even through a dim cinema with lights only emitting from the screen, you can see the stars reflecting in his eyes, his mouth open in a smile you don’t see often on him. Like he can’t really believe what he’s seeing, and he’s checking with you to confirm it.

When the credits starts rolling and people start to leave, your boyfriend puts his palms on his temples as he uses a moment to process what he’s just seen. Then, very slowly like he’s edited into slow-motion he turns towards you. His eyes are wide and his mouth slack, but the more you get into view, the more the corners of his lips tugs upwards.

You laugh and grip his upper arm, squeeze it lightly, “was it everything you needed the 70th anniversary to be?”

The look he gives you is perplexed; almost like he can’t believe that you’re asking him that. He drags his hands down his face, dragging the skin with him and making a grimace, “what’s the time?” he then suddenly ask, real time seemingly catching up to his body as he hurries to check his watch.

“It’ll roll again at 6! That’s in 45 minutes! We can grab a quick bite and then”- he interrupts himself with a cough before he reminds himself and tenses his shoulders -”sorry, we have a reservation.”

You take him in for a minute, your underlip worried between your teeth as you weigh your options. The reservation isn’t important in and of itself; it’s just a small Yakiniku place that ended up being close to the cinema and you’re full from the popcorn and candy anyways.

You hum, dramatically as you pretend to be an actor for the effect. Iwaizumi’s already on his phone, checking the Google Maps route to the restaurant. You fish out your own phone and go to the cinema’s website to buy two new tickets. During the booking you see it’ll be shown in another of their screens, which only makes you smile mischievously.

When the booking’s confirmed, you start to get up with a sigh, “let’s talk about the movie at the restaurant, yeah?” you try to keep yourself neutral as to not give away your plan. Iwaizumi smiles and puts his arms through the sleeves of his light jean jacket. The summer heat is peaking, so he’d only worn it to have pockets.

You grab onto his hand and squeeze it as he gets up next to you, “thank you for coming with me, it means a lot.”

You kiss his him chaste on the lips before you start to drag him out. After you’ve both been by the bathroom, you pass by the snacks and tug at him, “can we go back in real quick? I really regretted not buying that chocolate bar when we browsed before the movie… please?”

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes at you but smiles widely and follows you, his other hand already searching his pocket for his wallet.

You grab two different chocolate bars, one you know that he likes and your own favorite. Then you go to the soda aisle and pretend to think it through deeply. Iwaizumi’s eyebrow perks up at your behavior, “what do you need soda for? The restaurant will have drinks. If you want something specific we can pick it up on the way home.”

You shake your head and tighten your lips into a frown, “yeah but look! They have this fun variant of melon soda. Don’t you want to taste?” you point to the small sign next to it, “it’s cinema exclusive.”

Iwaizumi is never really able to say no to you, but he is perplexed about the behavior you’re exhibiting. You bite your lip as you give him a pleading look, fearing your luck’s running out. The puppy eyes makes him shake his head and grab two cups to fill. You kiss his cheek with a laugh.

With renewed drinks and snacks (minus the popcorn, you can still feel the kernels stuck to your teeth) you go to sit down by one of their benches, pretending to tie your laces. Iwaizumi sees that your laces aren’t untied, but he stays quiet.

When you sit back up with a satisfied grunt, you grab your phone from your purse and find the tickets, “look babe! We’re in the middle row seats!”

He squints to look properly at what you’re showing him, his nose crinkling in a way you think is adorable. You wish you’d had a second phone to secretly record this reaction. There’s nothing like it. Warmth and blood rises to his face and makes his ears bright red as his eyes widen, mouth hanging slack.

“What did you- how… when did you?” he asks, clutching at his hair with his free hand. You laugh, proud to see him with revived excitement, “I booked them right after. We’re going to have so many snacks that dinner can be a little later… I’d rather experience that with you than that restaurant!”

Iwaizumi pulls back from you a little with a laugh as he drags his hand over his mouth, suddenly looking unsure of himself. You tilt your head to the side. He says, “but that restaurant’s really… uh… special.” You sigh and reach out for his hand, “yeah but you’re more special to me. We can always go some other time, right?”

You’re suddenly afraid he doesn’t want to watch it again, that it was just the adrenaline of excitement making him say it back when the credits where rolling. He mutters unintelligible words under his breath before he mumbles an announcement, “well now’s a good as time as any.”

He then looks at you, the blush returning as he puts the drinks and snacks down next to yours on the bench, “I uh- I need to call Shittykawa real quick.”

Your eyebrow quirks up at that, but you nod. Maybe he wants to tell him about the movie before you watch it again; this used to be their thing growing up after all.

You sit back down on the bench and take out your phone, scrolling through social media as you wait for him to make his call. You’re surprised when the sound of a FaceTime call starts ringing through the air and Iwaizumi looks annoyed. It’s not an uncommon expression on him, so you’re not sure you’re able to decipher the meaning behind it right now.

“Iwa-chan? That’s early! Doesn’t it take 10 minutes to the restaurant?” Oikawa gasps on the other end, “no way, did you get cold feet!? Iwa-chan!!” he suddenly scolds and Iwaizumi grunts out a shut up and you assume point the camera towards you because Oikawa’s voice greets you, strained and perfectly polite. It’s eerily unnatural when acted towards you and not a fan. Confused, you just wave at him and Oikawa gasps again. “In the cinema? That wasn’t the plan at all! Did you already do it?” he continues on, and you make a grimace to Iwaizumi. What the hell is he talking about?

Iwaizumi snaps at Oikawa and hurriedly moves out of earshot from you, mumbling into the phone. Then he comes back with his back straightened´up and stiff, legs seemingly wobbly under his weight. He puts his phone with Oikawa on the call up against the plant next to you, pointing it towards you. You can see Oikawa lying on his stomach on a bed, eye masks on and no light except for the screen – Argentina’s far behind Japan after all. Before you can ask what he’s doing, he’s jogged back in front of you and practically falls to his knee in front of you, wincing from the pain of landing unexpectedly hard.

You think you’re catching on.

Your breath catches in your throat as you keep your eyes locked onto the man in front of you, suddenly fearing he’ll disappear into thin air and that this is just a dream.

Iwaizumi clears his throat and opens his mouth to start talking before he catches himself and hastily goes through his pockets. He pats the chest pocket an extra time before his nimble fingers slide inside and come out with a blue velvet box. Your hands go to cover your mouth, because it’s the same color as Aoba Johsai’s turquoise.

“Why’d you choose Seijoh?” an angry-looking 15-year-old from your new class asked you during the rounds where you’re supposed to get to know each other. With a strained smile you admit sheepishly, “I loved the colors of the school’s volley uniform.”

When he sees your expression he laughs, “I planned to do this at the restaurant – but you willingly choosing to go to the cinema to watch my … uh, my thing, not once but twice. And in a day no less, well…” he clears his throat and looks away, “it kinda knocked me off my feet. I’ve known for a long time this was going to happen but… when you showed me your phone with that excited expression that I love? It’s like… well, it was like the entire universe conspired to confirm that it has to be you… you know?”

He shakes his head and apologizes for sounding so cheesy before he drags a hand through his spikes. When he looks directly into your eyes after gathering himself, you straighten your back and start nodding. He hasn’t even asked you yet but your legs are shaking with the intense feeling of your response.

He laughs when he sees you nod. The raspy and relaxed one, reserved for you. You stare at each other for a time, admiring each other’s eyes and being in this moment, this time in life carved for the two of you. Then he shakes his head and starts to open his mouth. It must take too long though, because your shared childhood menace of a best friend starts booing. You both look to him and Iwaizumi has a scolding ready on his tongue until he sees the fat tears shining on his screen, Oikawa’s nose red and wrinkled.

Iwaizumi decides to simply give him the middle finger before he turns back to you. He says your name with an embarrassed lilt to his tone and finally, at last, formally asks you;

“Will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

You laugh, unabashed and excited. In your bewilderment you shake your head in disbelief and the raw fear in Iwaizumi’s eyes makes you flinch and yell out a too loud “yes!” to make sure that you were merely reacting to the overwhelming situation in front of you.

People in the cinema are looking, silently clapping and smiling at you both but generally keeping a polite distance. You sniffle and lean towards Iwaizumi, foregoing the ring to fall into his arms. It takes him a moment to process before his arms wraps around you too, pulling you into him so tightly, shaky breaths leaving him as he keeps pawing at your back, your hair, your neck. Like he can’t really believe this is happening, either. You repeat the word “yes” like a prayer, your heart thrumming at intervals you’ve never tried before.

You pull back and wipe a tear from Iwaizumi’s cheek, “you better calm down before we watch it again, huh?”

Oikawa clears his throat from the phone, “the ring, Iwa-chan! The ring!”

Iwaizumi gathers himself and rather forcefully grabs onto your hand before apologizing, letting his finger caress your knuckles in apology. You let him, and he fumbles to get the ring out. It’s a simple one, so very like him. Oikawa chimes in with your exact thought, “he was so panicky at the jeweler! You should’ve seen him!”

You wish you had. Flustered Iwaizumi is your favorite flavor, but seeing him with shaky fingers fitting the ring onto your finger, warms you more than anything else.

You perk up, “is your war finished?” you ask and Iwaizumi’s eyebrow rise for a second before he hears the reference to the movie you just watched and beams, eyes glowing with an excitement you didn’t think could be topped moments before. He leans forward and says yes before he kisses you.

Oikawa cheers and you hurry to pick up his phone and show Oikawa the ring in detail, “you could’ve warned me!” you scold him and he shrugs, “eh, I honestly thought you already knew. And don’t worry, I took plenty of screenshots for your families and friends. There’s even a pretty romantic shot of you hurling yourself into his arms.”

You gasp in feigned insult, “I did not hurl myself!”

Iwaizumi stands before you with his hands in his pockets, a bright smile, “you did kinda hurl yourself.”

“Shut up! Both of you! I’m not taking you into the movie with me! I’m canceling your ticket!”

Iwaizumi pretends to panic but leans down to rest his forehead against you, “you can hurl yourself at me for the rest of my life, I don’t mind. Don’t listen to Shittykawa.”

You shake your head at your two friends.

No, your friend and your fiance. It feels surreal. You wonder how long it’ll take you to get used to. You can’t wait to spend the time finding out.

[bluntloyalist]

didn't want to come across as passive aggressive putting this in the reblogs so here's a separate post about my thinky thoughts on she/her tsubaki. mainly because i do what i want forever but if canon happens to make a convincing argument for it thats nice too since i am incapable of shutting the hell up

1. KIRYU EXISTS

people love tsubaki's whole thing of accepting herself for who she is regardless of what others think. this is something i've seen repeated a lot in comments re: the official translation's he/him pronouns, and when fighting through the generally hypermasculine trenches of shounen anime/manga it's understandable want more male characters who stay true to themselves by rejecting social norms and openly embracing their femininity...however i fear we are forgetting our history 😔 the femboy diversity hire has been here all along yall our quota is full !! really tho kiryu was MADE for the girls and the gays even without getting into his personality just look at him. the pink hair. the piercings. the accessories. the off the shoulder drip. like come on COME ONNNN give him his genderqueer props

2. THE RAWS

i don't know japanese so i can't actually get too deep into how she speaks and is referred to BUT what little i can say is this. she used to use the personal pronoun ボク (boku) [katakana] as a child, and this is a common way for young boys to address themselves, but at some point she switches to ワタシ / あたし / 私 (atashi) [katakana/hiragana/kanji] in order to present and be percieved as female/feminine. this is a form of gender expression unavailable in english due to our limited number of first person pronouns and it's extremely important to her character due to how deliberate and intentional of a decision it is (though for the sake of interpretive fairness i feel like i have to say i'm not culturally knowledgeable enough to discern if it's used in a 女性語 vs オネえ言葉 context or how/if her speech patterns fit into those categories). shizuka also specifically thinks of her as an older sister 姉 (ane) [kanji]

3. DEPTH OF INTERNAL CONFLICT

tsubaki's childhood feelings of alienation, displacement, and deception are way too extreme to come from someone who only wears women's clothes because he likes the fashion (imo). this doesn't read as a young boy who's into girly hobbies and is scared people will make fun of him for it; this reads as a young trans girl who is tormented by the act of constantly lying about who she is, but who knows that living truthfully will get her utterly rejected by the majority of the people she knows. she just doesn't have the language to explain herself beyond liking pretty things and not being like "other" boys. tumblr won't let me add another photo but the shot of her looking at her reflection in the window and calling herself a liar at the beginning of the chapter...there is something so incredibly and incommunicably transgender about those few panels

IN CONCLUSION: i don't necessarily hate the official he/him decision because it will be very very cool if nii satoru actually is playing 4d gender chess with tsubaki like that but i simply do not know or trust the editorial team enough to take their word on her english pronouns (<- is hypervigilant about microaggressions against trans women)

[clown-prince-of-gay]

Happy Pride everyone~~

I drew me and my lovely boyfriend @king-of-vertigo, (I love you honeybee~), We are being gay and transing all your children. Watch out or you're next.

Anyways. Happy Pride to those who celebrate. (And especially happy pride slay queen girlypop month to those who don't) Under the cut I'll have each flag and an explanation of what it means to me~

Likes and reblogs appreciated!! Do not repost!

I would like to preface this with: I am not an expert in all of these identities (despite being a part of them) and my connection to them is hugely shaped by my own experience and interpretation of each label. My only hope with all this is to hopefully make someone feel less alone, (because my god i spent a long time finding some of these labels-)

Aceflux

Aceflux us defined as a person with a fluctuating feeing of sexual attraction to others, I sort of think of it like a dial being turned up and down based on the moment. (there are also romantic and aroace versions of the label I beleive, along with another variation of the flag with a purple/red gradient striping.)

In my own experience that results in differing kinds of days, some where I feel really strong attraction, others where I feel little to none. Sometimes it changes day to day, sometimes its the same for weeks, or it changes throughout the day based on context.

This label was one that took me. An entirely too long time to find. and this is one that feels. right. because I had very flexible and changing feelings and attraction, I knew I could place myself somewhere on the ace spectrum, but not exactly where because it wasn't consistent at all (wowee i wonder why that is because its not like thats the whole thing lmao) and I ended up cycling through so many aspec labels. This is one that I can feel comfortable in, and I'm hoping others resonate with it as well.

Queer

Queer is an umbrella term and very ambiguous identity that can essentially encompass anyone that identifies with it.

So- my sexuality is. incredibly nuanced and complicated when it comes to describing who I find myself romantically, aesthetically, or platonically attracted to (I know there are so many other ways to be attracted to someone, those are just the simplest for me to explain). For example: I can (when allowed by my silly demiromantic ass) be romantically attracted to men and masc (or even non aligned) presenting and identifying people, and I in fact, have a lovely boyfriend whom I love a lot! And as for femme aligned people its more interesting because I don't feel particularly romantically about them, but I can experience aesthetic, or platonic forms of attraction, and Queer is simply a label that I connect with that has the space to encompass all of that.

Demiromantic

Demiromantic is a label that essentially encompasses the idea that an individual doesn't feel romantic attraction to another unless they have an emotional or platonic bond with that person. (there is also an ace and an aroace version, which I think is super neat)

Demiromantic is a label that I personally connect with, be that because I'm naturally incredibly slow to make connections, or maybe connected to the fact that I'm very neurodivergent, (although thats a post for another day-) and feeling comfortable being and feeling romantic about someone is already incredibly rare, and I feel like I need a connection to someone personally until I can feel romantically (I say that like I control when I feel romantic. Its kinda. I dunno I can't control it. this label is just one I felt encompassed it. which is the point.)

Transgender

Transgender is an umbrella term in which someone doesnt connect or identify with the assigned gender given at birth. (I'm very sure I have made it no secret that I am transmasc. We love the transes here)

However. no matter how many labels I find to express and explain my gender being 'masculine' (with several different question marks. I'm a boy in the same way orange soda is the same as a regular orange. same sorta spirit. completely different executions.) above all. I am still trans. and I will always be trans. that's who I am <33

My gender is. an interesting topic. In the way that I have not yet found a label to describe it other than being transmasc. which I know as different to being a trans 'man' in the fact that I didnt transition to be a 'man', not binarily being a man. I bounce between being androgynous and being masculine, but in a way where labels like demigendered/demiboy or boyflux (other labels I've considered) don't seem to fit. because it is in a way where some days I feel more or less masculine to completely genderless. (If anyone can think of a label that fits that- I would love to hear it. I haven't even gotten into My pronoun search. maybe a seperate post on that later.)

[red-elric]

i hear yall on 'girls can wear pants just bc jane does doesnt mean shes a trans guy' but homestuck is a deeply symbolic webcomic. its different! the skirt in homestuck is used as a signifier that a character is a girl more than it is as a genuine fashion choice in the early days of the comic; with the sprite as the only representation we have to go on, rose in particular with her shorter hair becomes more obviously feminine with the skirt, eyelashes, and lipstick at a glance. the need for the skirt as a visual distinction decreases as the readers become more familiar with the comic and the art style advances, but the original motive still remains! and is turned on its head when we are introduced to the trolls; while aradia, kanaya, and feferi wear skirts, nepeta, kanaya, and vriska decidedly DONT. this choice is intentional; we are told explicitly that in troll society the differences between men and women are arbitrary, with fewer rigid rules and distinctions than in human society. the extent to which that is actually TRUE is a little bit up for debate, but it definitely has some truth to it, and nepeta, terezi, and vriska all have a level of gender fuckery about them that aradia, kanaya, and feferi dont quite have in the same way. (kanaya of course has a DIFFERENT kind of gender fuckery about her, but its a different vibe and not really relevant here.)

then we meet the alpha kids. the skirt as a signifier is irrelevant at this point; we already know which characters are boys vs girls because we have the background of their adult counterparts. you can argue that jane is introduced wearing a skirt to make it clear that it is her and not jake in her first teaser panel, since she also has short hair! and thats about it. janes narrative is all about her own agency and her lack of control in her own life. she is brainwashed, she is locked in her own home for her own protection, she is kept in the dark from her friends' true feelings and secrets because they dont know how shell react. every choice she makes for herself prior to entering the medium is framed as a mistake that ruins things for everyone; her dad, roxy, dirk. and yet, when she does enter the medium, she is alone and free from other influences for the first time. her dad is missing, condy cant (or, more accurately, currently isnt interested in) access her, and she is outside the realm of societal pressure from earth, with her three friends who have never met another person in real life before. and with her newfound freedom, she chooses to wear pants; the first human female character in homestuck to do so. she has a hands free computer headset that gives her a faux moustache. and i think thats relevant!

of course, when she becomes god tier and immediately crockertiered, all her agency and control is lost in a way that doesnt ever return to her, even in post canon content. from that moment on, she is the maid or the heiress only, and cannot express her own desires in the narrative; she has been reduced to a caricature of what condy and aranea believed of her, and in this narrative she is grossly feminized in the worst possible way. just. food for thought.

[dtmsrpfcringe]

I stumbled upon this reddit post (https://www.reddit.com/r/popheads/comments/a0vc5n/gay_male_fetishization_in_popular_culture/) and i think it explains really well what the people shipping dt and ms are doing so i thought i'd share: "a lot of it is because some fangirls see other girls as competition and don't like the idea of their fav with a girl that isn't them. if they imagine their fav in a gay relationship, I guess its not as big of a problem for them because their fav isn't choosing another girl over them.

it might also be because inter male friendships aren't commonly portrayed in popular culture, and when they are there is a notion that the friends are secretly gay all along. because some people have a hard time seeing guys be close together, they might assume that any close, emotional relationship with guys HAS to be romantic and sexual. The times were a male friendship is present, I think girls find it more interesting and dynamic than the romantic relationship that it pushes so fangirls start to imagine the male characters in a romanic relationship.

also, I think this is pretty bad, especially when its fans speculating about the private life of real people like Shawn Mendes, because a lot of times the fans have a misconstrued notion of how gay people are, like every stereotype of flamboyance and gender roles is correct and that any male that expresses any level of traditional femininity has to be gay. It's like to them if the guy has any emotions its always because he's secretly gay." The post also mentions the same thing happening with 1D and kpop idols. sad to see this happening in a lot of fandoms. girls, we need to do better

THIS!!! THIS SO MUCH THIS HOLY HELL!!! It’s not even shipping thats the issue it’s the way they treat female partners.

Aziraphale x crowley? Fantastic. Being extremely misogynistic and weird when someone mentions either az or crow with fem pronouns or as fem presenting? Fetishization.

Thinking david and michael would be cute and making polycule jokes? 10/10 no notes good on ya. Being so deranged you dream up a electionstealingmaga-esque conspiracy theory, falsely claim their partners are abusive and constantly bash anything they do bc they’re girls? Not cool bro

[natsmagi]

sorry for making yet another textpost but i came across that post saying they dislike transfem natsume because he "canonically hates being perceived as a girl and tries to erase all sorts of memories related to that" and also went on to shame genderbends of him aswell. So, as someone who not only draws genderbends of natsume but is myself someone who is nonbinary and hates being perceived as a woman, i thought id offer my two cents

first of all; i think its important to note that natsume does NOT hate his childhood. in fact, hes quite happy that he had such an unusual upbringing!

what natsume hates is being perceived as weak. thats why he was raised as a girl after all, it was his mother trying to protect him from evil spirits. he doesnt hate the whole "-chan" or "wearing dresses" thing because he has a hatred for womanhood, its because due to his upbringing hes now come to associate those things as being weak. he begs tsumugi to forget about it because that means tsumugi remembers natsume being weak, and natsume thinks tsumugi still referring to him as "natsume-chan" means he still sees natsume as weak. (iirc natsume did however once say that he is a little sad that he doesnt really know how to relate to young boys due to this in poltergeist, but i couldnt find the exact quote. either way that just adds to the complexity of natsumes relationship with his childhood, because while he is happy to be "abnormal" in that sense, it has left him lacking in some areas)

i have to ask though, should this conflict of his not be something we hope he overcomes? should we not want him to develop a healthy relationship with various gender expressions? should we not want natsume to overcome his belief that feminine things = weakness? i want natsume to reach a point where he can wear feminine clothing and not feel like some damsel in distress because of it. i want natsumes character to grow. i want him to develop a positive relationship with his gender because natsume DOES enjoy some more typically feminine things, like baking! he used to bake with his mom when he was little! and i want him to feel like he can indulge in that side of him without feeling insecure.....

i LOVE transmasc natsume, my primary hc for him is transmasc nonbinary after all, but with all these things considered, shouldnt people be allowed to headcanon him however they want? if they hear his story and negative relationship with femininity and how that resonates with them and they themselves are transfem, should they not be allowed to hc him as such too?

which brings me to my next point; my own personal relationship with gender and femininity. i was raised as a girl and i fucking DESPISED womanhood. i hated everything about it. i hated how i felt forced into a box i didnt want to be stuck in, and i hated how it felt like my whole life had already been planned out for me due to societal expectations, aswell as me needing to present a certain way. i was peak "tomboy" growing up, constantly wearing super baggy clothes and wouldnt even brush my hair alot of the time. but despite that i remained miserable. i frankly hated how i looked and would constantly dye my hair vibrant colors in an attempt to make me like myself a little more. it wasnt until i realized "wow, im actually not a girl at all" that i finally let go of believing i needed to look a certain way (and thus, defying it) and started to dress for myself. i started to dress in clothes that made me happy and feel pretty! alot of which leans feminine, but clothes doesnt have a gender, and how you dress doesnt define your gender either, but it can still be a bit scary yknow? especially since i dont want people to think of me as a girl, and drawing a bunch of femstars has really made me learn to love myself more in a funny way. i can put these characters in clothes i think are beautiful, i can explore the more feminine parts of me that i adore but dont want to express in public due to how i want others to perceive me, but it has also warmed me up to femininity even more. because femstars to me feels detached from the expectations of society because its not a real thing!! there are no canon femstars designs!!! i can do literally whatever the hell i want with it and its been so liberating to me!!

all this to say; i think it really sucks seeing the way this fandom treats transfem hcs and explicit genderbends, because like ive said before; they can truly be something so personal. you dont know why that person is drawing what theyre drawing, so its a little unwise to make assumptions based on ........ Well, whatever it may be. i know very well that women dressing the way society expects them to SUCKS, esp if you have personal ties to it, but you have to realize the issue isnt femininity, but misogyny.

[wishing-stones]

Hihihi i saw your reblog about calcium cat recently and... thank you for that! It was eye opening and confirmed some suspicions i had... and im sorry you dont have to post this ask if you dont want to, i just didnt know where else to go. I don't use tumblr often, very sorry if i am bothering you!

So, i used to be a big fan of calcium cat's, and when i learned from your reblog that she's not someone i want to associate myself with, i remembered that she and topazshadowwolf (someone who wrote some Dadmare and Soriel fics that I liked, i think they're well known in the community but im not sure?) were affiliated with one another, and topazshadowwolf has these two posts on their blog that arent outright queerphobic like calcium cat's posts. i wanted to see what your thoughts were on it as a second opinion because i dont want to judge them too hard, but i also got an icky feeling from these posts that i can't really explain. I dont want to cause trouble for them if they don't deserve it which is why i wanted to ask your opinion on it. And im on anon in case if it really is that bad...

https://www.tumblr.com/topazshadowwolf/738317097192603648/anon-i-am-not-going-to-reply-to-that-ask-i-dont?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/topazshadowwolf/738292724279672832/i-didnt-want-to-say-this-but-its-been-bugging?source=share

Uhmm yeah thats about it. Sorry, you probably dont get asks like this that much, i really just didnt know what to do and didnt see anyone talking about it and thought i was going crazy, i wanted to ask someone. I am a queer person myself and i just felt like these posts were really off but idk why :(((

Sorry this took a bit to get to Anon, I legitimately had no idea who this person was. Also had to grapple with the fact that I'm apparently a big enough figurehead here to ask about discourse? Willlddd to me. I'm not used to this LOL.

Discourse under the cut

The first thing that strikes me as off is the fact that Cal commented on the ask linked in the first post you provided. Don't like that. Openly associating with someone who has been outed as an immensely bigoted trans/homophobe is.... not a good look.

However, in regards to that ask, I agree with some of what they were saying. School is a time to play at discovery, because you rarely remain who you were as a child. It's not a definitive thing. You can be adamant that you're one way in school, and once you leave it an broaden your horizons, you discover that you're another way. This ranges anything from sexualities, gender expression, to religion and belief systems. People grow and change.

As an aside, I don't agree that NM wouldn't support them if they claimed to be different from how they are as adults and wouldn't support them. No context given, but I assume the boys don't remember being adults. This means their growing experiences will be fundamentally different than they were as former adults because they are going through their childhood/adolescence in a wildly different way than they did underground. So constricting them to such a narrow scope seems... disingenuous at best.

Seems a might bit narrow-minded, but I wouldn't go screaming "transphobia" yet. Don't like the "if you feel like I disrespected you, leave" though. The correct response is to ask what you did that made someone feel that way.

Worthy of a side-eye, but unless someone presents solid proof (as with Cal's very damning twitter likes, yuck), bad vibes shouldn't be enough to try to cancel someone. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I sincerely hope my general faith here is not misplaced.

[socialcarcrash]

i wanna talk about mcr's performance of sleep at mexico city in 2022 cause it means so much to me and ive GOTTA get this out of my brain before autism makes me explode !!

During this performance, i wanna start by talking about HOW important gerards use of vocal pedals are!! cause holy shit it changed my life and its opened up this whole realm of inspiration and ideas for me musically.

I write music a lot and im really trying to pursue it, but as a trans guy and a soprano its hard to use my voice in a way that feels right. cause like...i CAN sing but uts hard to use my voice in interesting ways when sometimes dysphoria makes it feel like my voice isnt MINE. I cant go on T for the foreseeable future cause of family reasons and financial ones...and i live in the UK so accessing gender affirming care is like splitting the atom sometimes, but i have stuff to say and ideas i want to use in my music, and im tired of waiting. trans people end up spending so much of their life waiting anyway, and i want to start doing something now.

I have ideas and i need to get them out cause sometimes i feel like they are eating me cause im so excited about doing something with my brain and my life ya know?

Thats where the vocal pedals come in, a way to manipulate my voice so uts still mine but ut sounds REALLY freaking cool!! you can express so much and di so many cool things with them, and dont get me wrong, people have been using them for YEARS, but live? you see it SO MUCH LESS and its SO POWERFUL.

so the pedals plus gerards performance style, which is emotional and raw but visibly you know its fun and interesting artistically to explore those emotions at this point in their career and i feel so inspired by it.

i want also mention the joan of arc of it all, cause of gerards connection to joan of arc it adds another layer to the performance as a whole on every level. and its SO special to me.

honestly might do a whole post about joan of arc cause i could talk about her and what she means in society and represents and her whole story and stuff for literally hours.

but in summary, holy fuck is this performance REALLY FREAKING COOL!!

[scentofpines]

"have you ever considered...that identifying out of woman/girlhood because you don't relate to the societal implications, expectations, etc... contributes to making womanhood (feel) even more restrictive?"

i thought your post on this was very interesting. ive identified as lesbian most of my life, but have been recently wondering if the identity of trans man fits me better. your post is making me wonder if i only feel this way because my true self is labelled "[gender] non conforming." im a pretty rebellious person most of the time so i am hesitant to think id be submitting to the gender binary if i transitioned like you suggest.

the thing is, i know there are gnc trans men (even though i wouldnt be one), so it does seem to me that even within transgender identities, gender expression still exists separate from sex. id just be trans because i wish i was born with a penis, not because im gnc as a woman.

but idk im really conflicted over it, and would like to hear more of your opinion since your aforementioned post caught me so off guard and further added to my self-questioning

Hi, thank you for your message and your honesty! Sorry my reply is so long but this is just such a big and complex issue and also english isn’t my first language, so I often struggle with finding the right words.

I think due to the way societies across the globe treat women, it is already very hard to be born female and not struggle with your body at some point or another and it is even harder when you are a lesbian as that is kind of seen as „doing womanhood wrong“ because a lot of the stuff that is conventionally labeled as „feminine“ or „womanly“ is centered around gaining male approval and as a lesbian this tends to either not be important at all or less so than it is for heterosexual women (i think the male gaze or whatever you wanna call it is so deeply ingrained in women from their childhood on that it can even affect lesbians in the sense that we’re trying to indirectly appeal to men even though were not even attracted to them but thats a different topic).

The wish to transition very often affects gay people in my experience (before the rise in media attention to transgenderism it was in my experience mostly gay men that transitioned and even now with females i think the percentage of gay girls/women that want to transition is waaayy higher than that of heteros) and I think the reason behind that has a lot to do with societal aversion to lesbians (and gay men too). I have heard from both trans women and detrans women that they believe their transgender journey is linked to trauma that they experienced (partially due to their homosexuality).

You wrote that you don’t think that you would submit to the gender binary by transitioning but in my opinion you would still strenghten the concept of gender itself. What is it that makes you want to transition in the first place? You said you identified as a lesbian most of your life, what changed? What made you start questioning this identity and what made you think that there was something about your body that needed to be changed?

If i understood correctly, you said that you want to transition because you wish to have a penis. There are many reasons why someone who is female would wish for that from shits-and-giggles-reasons, to practicality (like peeing standing up lol), health struggles with their female genitalia, internalized disgust about them, generalized resentment of their female body parts etc. As I dont know your personal situation I cant really have an opinion about this, however I do not believe into the narrative anymore that trans people have been „born in the wrong body“. For a long time I believed this because I too struggled a lot with my female physique, breasts, etc and could empathize with this notion. But then I realized that this would imply that our souls/brains have a sex and this is soooo sexist. This sentiment was used for thousands of years to oppress women and I hate it lol. „L’esprit n’a pas de sexe“ has already been said by Poulain de la Barre in 1673 and it holds true. No one is born in the wrong body, especially if your body is completely healthy and functional. Just like no one is born with the wrong nose or skin colour, no one is born with the wrong sex. It is the circumstances (beauty standards, racism, sexism, etc.) which people grow up and live in that make it feel as if that were the case. THESE CIRCUMSTANCES NEED TO CHANGE, NOT YOU.

I know having a female body can be so fucking hard and it can cause so much suffering and resentment but there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You say you are rebellious and I bet that‘s true but the most rebellious thing to do as a female is to radically accept your body and fuck all expectations that society places upon you because of your sex, all stereotypes, ideals, etc.

Now you say you wish you had a penis but as said above, I think there is a reason for that wish forming in your head. I dont think anyone is born hating their sex characteristics and wishing for the opposite ones. Maybe you can work on finding out that reason (maybe you already do) and resolve it. I know that body dysmorphia and dysphoria can become so horribly bad that there are cases where a transition feels like and maybe truly is the only way out (I still dont think someone is born that way, but in some cases the damage to the way you perceive your natural body is already done and so bad that no amount of therapy and inner work can repair it, at least not in a "timely" manner), but from reading your message it doesn’t seem like this is necessarily the case for you.

It is great that you keep questioning yourself on this matter and seem to really think this through btw! I’m sure you are aware of this, but a transition (obviously) has tremendous effects on your body and mind and even some changes from HRT are hardly reversible (the permanent voice changes in ftmtf detransitioners for example and way more serious complications that can and do often happen) and especially the penis that you desire is hardly achievable. Even the absolute best results of srs for ftms are neither functional in the way a natural penis is, nor do they look like one. Depending on how bad and persistent the dysphoria was before, the result may or may not be satisfying. If complications arise, and they often do, they can be catastrophical.

One advice I would like to give might sound a bit harsh but I mean it lovingly and it is that you shouldnt even care so much about yourself or rather your identity. I genuinely never think about what my identity is or what label fits it and it is very freeing. I dont shave anything, I have very short hair, I dont ever wear makeup despite my features absolutely not fitting the current beauty standards, I wear exclusively comfortably clothes that mostly arent considered very feminine, etc. etc. but this has ZERO effect on my womanhood because me being a woman just puts a word to the fact that I’m an adult human female. I havent always felt that way and it still is hard sometimes to exist so contrary to the female societal standards but what really helps me is to see other women who do the same, sharing thoughts like your wishing to have male genitalia with women who felt the same and overcame it and are happy now with their bodies. So generally speaking: Stop revolving so much around yourself. You are capable of sooo much, you are literally a witness of life, you are consciousness, you are on this earth to observe and feel and create and do and experience and not to constantly wonder about your identity. Just BE. (I’m not quite there myself yet lol it takes time).

Ok I really rambled here and I hope this is at least somewhat coherent. No matter how you decide I really wish you the best and hope whatever you choose is the right path for you! Have a nice day <3

[sybaritick]

today's kinktober fic: Gale/Tav + hypno/mind control :3

Suggestion is an M-rated fic (though without explicit sex) that is set post-canon and features a submissive (but low key in denial about it) Gale and a drow wizard Tav who goes to visit him before he wields the Crown of Karsus to attain godhood... her visit is just for academic reasons, surely.

“There’s no need to decide now,” Vierlin said. “Consider it, while I entice you with my recent results on eliminating immunity to psychic harm. Particularly for non-corporeal beings– those for whom psychic damage may be the only type we mortals are capable of inflicting.” She loved the way Gale's expression brightened so easily at the study of magic, especially when it came to the paths few wizards had yet taken. Still, she could see that after a fraction of a moment he corrected himself to a more appropriate expression. One wouldn’t want to look too eager.

also today the fic comes with rambling author's commentary (with "spoilers" for the fic) and just a bit of insight on how i write:

for this fic i tried v hard to make it so these two are both genderfucked in all these little ways (and some obvious ways).

it is not a fic that is, on the SURFACE, about gender, but it is actually about gender (at least when i was writing it thats what was in my head), like for example when i say he pours her tea first, thats like how a man pours a woman's wine before his own, he's doing it out of a sense of remembered propriety/probably what he was taught. but when she asks to kiss him, he says “If you returned only to bed me, I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you.”-- as perhaps he learned a woman "should", so he does! baby it's cold outside-style... :)

and then obviously that she leads-- she starts their little game, and ends it, even though he is attracted to her as well (and just doesn't want to have that kind of FWB situation poor gale-- another thing that is stereotypically associated with women, not wanting casual sex because he wanted something real with her.)

and then the way she puts his boobs away at the end is meant to be like, as a man would do if he were "chivalrous" :3

so yeah thats my explanation of how the fic about mind control is actually also about gender. you're welcome!

[dykeyote]

obviously i know of the wonderful real and true lesbian hermie but i would still like to hear ur thoughts on her :3

HIII :3 thank u for the excuse to explain because truly i feel so strongly abt this . here is my extensive reasons as to why hermie unworthy could never be anything but a lesbian and ur hcs are all wrong and this IS a personal attack on you btw <- thats a joke this post is very silly and not meant to be an Actual Theory but i DO feel strongly

lezzermie realness: a manifesto

REASON 1!!!!!!!!! again . WHAT WAS THE BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM THING ABOUT . and this isnt "actor character randomly dresses up as kiera knightley from bend it like beckham for no reason" which to be clear . would still make me raise my eyebrows . HOWEVER hermie isnt just any kind of actor shes a SPECIFICALLY DC ACTOR . she ONLY does dc characters . the ONE other time is when she's dressing up as scary for like a Real Reason . this is not a real reason its not even a musical or a play or smt its not even theatre kiddy . what are you trying to say hermie others will silence you but i will let you speak

REASON 2!!!!!!!!!!!!! further reasons will be predicated on the assumption that scary marlowe is a: a lesbian and b: that her crush on hermie is lesbianistic in nature . this can be proven simply w the line "im not like other girls i dont like ned or earl but when im with you my heart shatters or smt along those lines i cant be bothered to check verbatim" . abt hermie . oh so youre not into GENERIC MASCULINE NAMES like OTHER (STRAIGHT) GIRLS but hermie is different ...... this is successfully✅ proven . also she compared her and scary to the joker and harley ..... and scary STILL had a crush . i dont think anybody could tolerate that unless it was from a lesbian 🙏

REASON 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with this assumption presumed ....... now i know what you were thinking in reason one when i asserted hermie only broke dc those tow times . "val thats not true he was jack on the titanic" . to that i say YES ...... she did an overdramatic romantic scene riffing on an iconic straight couple from a historical movie with (as we have 100% proven) a lesbian w a dykey ass crush on her . whats more lesbian than that . thats the butchfemmiest shit

REASON 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hear you cry from the crowds . but valentine ur MISSING something . ur WRONG . because NORMAL!!!!!!!! to which i say normal is so obviously a girl to everyone but herself lets be real . the eldritch beast she has this deep connection with and empathizes with immediately is fixated on being a bad girl? she has a whole arc where she tries to be a normal son and boy to appeal to her parent who doesnt approve of how she chooses to express herself and picks a masculine name to go w it in contrast to . um . i mean i guess an adjective is gender neutral??????? hermies a lesbian FOR normal not DESPITE normal ......... also lesbians can be mlm and have complex genders too . me for example . bigender swag which hermie absolutely has

REASON 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if we assume normal's arc is transgender THEN we must observe the parallels with hermie and come to the same conclusion of girlmie (or boygirlmie but bigendermie is a convo for another day) realness . both created to be a specific type of son (normal well Normal, hermie a joke machine) both Not Quite Right in a way they cant shake both reaching out for a new more fitting identity which in hermie's case EXPLICITLY includes gender nonconformity (we will discuss next bulletpoint) . and if we prove girlmie by way of her crush on scary (and as previously stated normal) we prove lezzermie

REASON 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dressing up as poison ivy isnt necessarily lesbianistic because she dresses up as other dc villains HOWEVER!!!!!! i will argue that the way she goes about it is uniquely suggesting of dykery . a: she flirts with normal .... THROUGH poison ivy . distinctly RELATED to poison ivy . this is lesbian behavior and reinforces my prior point and b: she REPEATS poison ivy ...... which she rarely does with others she goes through Eras with the rest of them but abandons them after HOWEVER!!!!! she does poison ivy sexy and gets sort of interrupted . THEN does batman in the spiderboyz intro . THEN goes back to poison ivy in hell........ why does she only repeat the known lesbian 🤨

REASON 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HERMIE unworthy ... HER MIE .... like her and me ...... instead of her man (heterosexual in nature) she chooses herMIE . normal holds her face and goes YOURE HERMIE (her x me) . think about it guys . think about it ........

ok anyway thats enough of my ramblings . this post is very silly if u cant tell but i am a #believer

[enneamage]

hi i dont know how to start this so im just going to get right into it

i never understood why twitter got so mad at this clip ever since i saw it live i actually thought i was more good than bad? that might sound crazy but the fact as a 16 year old cis guy got called a lesbian and didnt go "ew im not a LESBIAN!??!" and actually thought about it for a second.

i think thats perfectly normal at that age to wonder that to wonder about your sexual and gender identity. hell i did and i think if i never did that as a teen i would have never accepted the idea of me being a trans guy.

now this brings me to the point of this essay. i think if twitter didnt have a shit party over that clip he would be more comfortable expressing himself femininity and accepting his bisexuality.

sure he doesnt have a problem flirting with guys as we've seen but they've always been less "masc" than his whole "big man" persona i think he finds it easier to flirt with guys (with the exception of ranboo of course) if he views them as more fem or even as a women perhaps

im not one to truthing him being trans or clem being real but im not against it. this also isnt me truthing him as being trans. i think cis people expressing femininity and masculinity is so important male or female (femininity and masculinity are ALWAYS put as things that go inherently together, but for some reason theyre never put as things that compliment eachother but thats a whole different topic)

but what do i really know? i dont have an audience of 12 million on youtube and 7 miliion on twitch i cant imagine that many eyes on you just waiting to judge you on your every move

Anon I admire the drive but I’m afraid you’ve sent this to the person who authored the “Tommy being Bi won’t fix him” post, so I must stick to my convictions on this one.

(As an aside, for those who don’t know, meet Clementine!)

I was not directly around for The Lesbian Moment, but I think I heard the gunshots down the street. I think it’s hugely under-emphasised how everyone was on the back of a world-changing mass death event spread out over the course of at least two years around that time, and the way that it (reasonably, all things considered) affected the way people handled stress. People were very sensitised to a lot of things, and it doesn’t surprise me that this would be a case where zooming out from what the problem was ‘supposed to be about’ would reveal a massive soup of situational stressors looking for a fracturing point to express themselves.

As thousands of people were all suddenly shoved online to share the same spaces, the social processes involved with creating norms and group standards had tons of gas thrown on them. It was going to be messy no matter what, people were electing scapegoats left and right to set social standards about what was and wasn’t acceptable. This is grim but important context (Tw), lockdown was horrific for rates of at-home physical and sexual abuse. Being a woman online in general is a state of psychological warfare against an objectifying culture. I remember talk about how his audience was divided even then, a group of lesbians were like “hell yeah we can let Tommy join /nsrs” and then another group were not even remotely okay with that even as a joke.

People were sensitised to feeling invaded in a time where lockdown had personal agency down to record lows, especially for teenagers and children. In a world where you have next to no agency or personal control over your circumstances, having a say in dominant moral narratives and the accepted behavior of people skyrockets in value, because you’re constantly in other people’s power. People were profoundly invested in the few square inches of control that they could/did have, so they were deeply reactive with it. A lot of pandemic reactivity was the behavior of people who felt over-activated and cornered, so while it’s possible to critique the outrage and take it apart on the terms that it presented itself on, it’s important to understand it as part of a whole as well.

👏 ON TO THE GAY SHIT

I feel like what goes into Tommy flirting with each of the men he’s flirted with in the past has been a little bit different. Tubbo seemed like possessive best friend claiming mushed into a straight lens with a side of teasing (I like girls, I like Tubbo, Tubbo is girl.) Ranboo was a fascinating intersection of girlfriend sublimation and flirtation to raise his self-esteem, also a bit of an apology for the not-so-passive-aggression from when it looked like Ranboo had “stolen” Tubbo. I wasn’t around for TimeDeo, but fuck it, that counts too. I don’t think that the majority of his homosocial flirting was to make himself seem more masc, especially with Ranboo. (I’ll spare you examples but that particular stretch has some moments.)

Tommy had a ‘playing toughguy’ problem when he was younger, and it contributed to some of his worst habits in terms of what came out of his mouth. I would have attributed a lot of this to his environment, the influences that he related to both positively (edgy youtubers) and negatively (macho schoolmates.) He was very teenage boy, but even then he had an off-beat streak that I impressionistically related to as more femme, even when he was being abrasive. Ever since being forcibly civilised through Wilbur and the forces of the internet he’s had much less of that, but his femme streak has stayed in some form or another, just evolving to fit what’s needed of him at a given time.

The rate at which Tommy being a cishet man comes up as a genuine issue that people feel compelled to try and see resolved is interesting, even as someone who occasionally feels it myself. Like there’s got to be something to unpack in that dynamic, that whatever behavioral issue he’s experiencing at a given time feels tied to his identity as a cishet male and something that can be revised if he had the right personal revelations. The issue is, I just don’t think it’s true, or at least wouldn’t make the difference that some people would want it to make. Some of his problems could even be tied up in his Englishness, and that’s straight up incurable. It’s hard for me to imagine that having a sexuality related revelation would make that big of a difference in the grand scheme of… him as a person. He’s got a lot of moving parts.

I do feel some frustration on behalf Tommy in terms of being a target of essentialist thought. He’s not allowed to be as camp as he probably wants to be because it comes off as offensive to gay culture, and he’s not allowed to be overtly femme because people are strict about policing gender expression right now if a given person doesn’t take on a certain label that corresponds with it. He’s assumed to have the worst intentions if he isn’t directly part of a certain group, and he really is clumsy with things that he doesn’t understand so he can be better off sometimes keeping his hands inside his box, but it’s still kind of sad to see the roundabout way that these binaries re-enforce themselves with someone like him. At the same time, try not to mourn over ‘what could have been’, because it’s still a form of essentialism to think that having traits more commonly associated with non-cishet identity would solve his problem-of-the-week, and there’s no guarantee that’s the case.

[neeko-system]

long post inc.

ok so im working on this world called “nevermore”. its a world mostly made for a TTRPG system im working on. its a fairy tale storybook world thats very thematically dense. like, the whole idea of it is everything that exists in the reality serves a narrative purpose to some unseen theme “beyond” the page of the world.

it deals with a lot of themes of mental illness and identity struggles and the changes that people go through in life. theres a big focus on journeys and road trips and the things and lengths people go to to achieve some sort of change, physically, mentally, socially, etc.

family is another big theme. a big element of the gameplay/story is about the people you surround yourself with. the people that you take with you/meet on journeys whether physical or mental. the people you live with on these journeys and how you change as a result of being around them. what its like to share space with other people and what not. lots about friends and found family and loss of family (death, trauma, complications, falling outs) the world exists physically and yet it doesnt exist anywhere. nevermore is a place but its also more of an idea. its a kind of fantasy world that is about facing hardships rather than running away from them. its the dark forests that are comforting. its knowingly being lost yet always finding your way. falling into rhythm with the world and following the paths it gives you, not necessarily out of love but out of a caring interest.

the forests of nevermore are nature itself. mountains, plains, the woods, the creek. any hike you’ve ever done in your area. any camping, backpacking. being under the stars. it’s small rural villages where everyone knows each other and everyone just hangs out and vibes and fends off the beasts of the horrors:tm:(its a nightly thing)

its staying up late at night with your friend thats having a panic attack. its being stuck far up a hill and your ankle is injured. its trying to figure out what you’re going to eat tonight. its existing on the outskirts of civilization, socially and physically. its the balancing act of caring for your own mental burden and helping those around you, the latter taking importance over the former.

nevermore is a mystical world painted with every color of the rainbow, drawn on black paper. its a childish rejection of adult society struggling with the same human problems. its young and naive and curious and hurt and comforted.

its about me. its about everyone. its about being human. its about gender. its about love and loss. in that order.

everyone is obsessed about something

ive also made a lot of art of it pls take a look >.>

this was one of the first pieces of art i made for it. (might have been the first) i was basically just putting to image some ideas i had about creatures id make in a fairy tale setting. one thats more about the creatures and less ab out the humans in the creature world. (humans as creatures or something idk)

starting left then going right

the faerrin (far left) was one of the first and strongest ideas i had. obviously fairys being in a faery tale world is not new (its like, in the name) but it was more about their role/space in the world. as it relates to self expression and identity, the faerrin are child-like and naiive but deeply curious. they have a child like cuiousity about the world surrounding them and are always exploring everything and anything they can. i like the approach of bug-like fairy so the faerrin have membranous bug wings and insect like body/limbs. they have horns that curve down like hair (that didnt come until later) and antennae that stick out the top of their head. faerrin are generally named for pretty, natural things that grow on the ground. plants, flowers, vegetables.

the next strongest were the glüm. the name came later but since the beginning of nevermore i had the idea of the faeries, then dark ink feathered bird creatures that were gangly and grotesque and foul. the image on the bottom left got it pretty succinctly for me. they’re short, with long pointed horns and dark ink black feathers and beak. they wear their wings around them like a big springy coat that sways up and down as they move. they also project a colorful miasma around them that kinda obscures them and makes them blend into the colors around them. their bodies are grossly disfigured and gangy and their claws are sharp and wicked. they repeat sounds and things people say in distorted and crackly voices. they’re obsessively clean and insanely normal.

next was the gargin who i was still figuring out at the time. the original idea about them was they were big stone gargoyle like beings that were protective and mournful. i then had the idea of them being trees instead, but the name stuck. eventually i landed on them being golems made of logs and sticks with large butterfly wings protruding from the back. they’re obsessed with knowledge as a tool and constantly forget whatever they’re thinking about. they’re autism robots but like wood elementals that like helping people with all the things they figure out. but also mourning everything they forget as if the memory had died with them.

the next one was another exploration of the glum but with them having a large projected shadow around them. i like the idea but not sure what to do with it.

then the last in frame drawing was of a zull. now the zull are actually a different creature i pulled in from another world i made. its too long of a story for this but basically they’re “soulless beings.” stylistically the zull are -completely white all over to a out of place degree -varying in size and limb count/face count/head count. some have multiple faces, 3 arms 4 legs, 3 fingers on each hand, two heads, etc. -and they’re mannequin like. staring, creepy, almost human yet somethings off. uncanny valley but less for humans and more just what constitutes as “alive.” they’re a combination of a few ideas and themes important to me but importantly they’re representative of angry melancholy. they’re angry about being alive, but dont want to die. they exist in a constant state of “would rather not exist” than anything else. (do not diagnose me i am mentally CHILL not mentally ILL)

it takes a lot of “mechanical” inspiration from the heart: the city beneath, electric bastionland, and lots of pretty exploration games i played growing up. ori and the blind forest notably. pyre by supergiant games (this one is the biggest inspiration offender(the whole idea of a road trip rpg system came to me because i love this game so much.))(also visually and thematically) if you’ve ever seen the movie 9 holy shit that movie fucked me up but also this game is like that

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’

i’ll probbaly post more about it and post mroe art cause i have a lot to share pleading emoji pointing left pointing right

tanks for listening to me ramble <3s and kisses on the mouth with tongue (i always ask for consent) love you all goodbye

[incarnateirony]

Genuinely did not expect to go on a like 2 day transmasc platforming spree, but between the post, and people in server actually genuinely asking questions and stuff lately, I've been on a whole bender.

And like, it ain't like I'm an expert. The rant itself is literally about social imbalances that have completely jacked over trans conversation and pushed out the most vulnerable the conversation are supposedly here to protect and so on.

Well that and like.

I really. really wish gender never got attached to trans stuff. and i support gender and like, want everyone to have all the gender. But the lines blurred man. There's a 0.5% pop getting trampled under All The Genders. Everyone's Genders. Genders for everyone. Like yeah we we have genders too but that's not the point.

What I said that made it click for someone: You have your gender. It's cool, and great, and I want you to express it and it's special and it's yours. I have a boner. These are not the same thing.

And I just. Wish I could illustrate how difficult the conversation has come to be. Since starting this I'm not walking two people through trans journeys that FINALLY UNDERSTAND THEIR OWN DYSPHORIA NOBODY EVER TALKED ABOUT ON MAIN CUZ THATS ILLEGAL NOW I GUESS. And weirdly they're identical to mine. XYZ. Got uncomfy. Packed it down. Figured I was ace. Tried not to open schroedinger's boner box.

Yeah, I know, there ain't many of us but we're all living it and it's a pain in the ass to navigate to find the discussion cuz the gender stuff got all tangled up in it and like. Something about feelings and maybe you don't need dysphoria?

One thing I beg of in this fandom is to recognize it is still an inherently woman led space, and that you are not immune to rafical feminism. Not even if you put on a gender tag. And conveniently, there's about a bajillion of you with gender tags that have made it real hard for some of us to talk about certain problems. And then we die.

It may be my comms history making me cynical, but replacing transs*xual (after declaring it a slur like some try to delete Queer with) with transgender seems exactly like the kind of bullshit to delete a very tiny community by getting them overwashed by another that thinks it's there for Good* or Support* or whatever.

Like. If I was a psycho that hated trans people, that's basically how to do it in a media comms game. Make the old form of it Bad in name first, then in Concept (eg talking about bio stuff at all = truscum or other scary accusation), and then everything brought into the gender arts category rather than anywhere approximating the original conversation.

Like yall i love gender but you kinda really came in, trampled on the flowerbed and set up your own HOA telling the locals what to do, and there's a billion of you and like ten of us, you get how that's fucking up the social leverage even before undressing things like misandry vs rightful rage at the patriarchy. right. Like. I sure hear a lot of Gender voices in my friends that I love very dearly but curiously trans men are just. Like shiny pokemon.