#and a caretaker is draining some days

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Taking care of a parent is hard. Especially when they just lie to themselves and continously justify their bad habits that are hurting them.

To try and be supportive and pick them up all while you are doing your own journey in trying to fix yourself.

When you are peeling back your own layers and now seeing what their trauma has done to you and learning to forgive them for it. Or not. Everyone is different in this case and that's okay.

I do know everyday I will try to be firm in boundaries with them while attempting to be patient and understanding. That I will continue to try be a version of myself who can love gently the parts that need care as well as fiercely to the parts that need fixing.

[retiredteabag]

Caretaking and Guilt

Pairing: Toji x Reader

Synopsis: quintessential sickfic- you just have a hard time accepting help from others.

Tags: Fluff, comfort, mild angst

〰・♡・〰〰・♡・〰〰・♡・〰〰・♡・〰〰・♡・〰

These past few days you hadn't been feeling so well.

Friends and coworkers had been getting sick left and right. You had thought you were lucky enough to pass it by but after a couple restless nights and a depleted appetite, it was fair to say you had caught the bug.

Yesterday you had tried to prevent the worst of it, taking medicine, drinking orange juice, staying active; none of it seemed to hold back the storm that was this illness.

The second you had opened your eyes this morning you could tell it had all been pointless.

Your head was throbbing, you were unbearably congested, your chest felt heavy, and chills racked your body. There was a cold sweat sticking to your neck and it hurt to swallow. Above all else, you were exhausted. You kept drifting in and out of dreamless sleep, waking to a deeper state of drowsiness.

At one point you had checked your phone only to realize it was mid-afternoon and you had been in bed all day. Toji had been out on a job and would likely be back before dinner.

It's not as if you were embarrassed or ashamed to be sick, but being the fervently independent individual you were, you hated the idea of needing to be cared for.

So, despite your shaky legs and turning stomach, you stumbled your way into the bathroom to try and wash off the sweltering perspiration and muck from yourself.

Something had to be made for dinner after all.

You’d probably feel better after washing up, right?

After what can only be described as a brave attempt at standing under the shower head's assault, you found yourself covering up the drain in your shower bath and allowing the downpour slowly fill up the tub surrounding your collapsed form.

You sat for an inordinate amount of time, every so often opening your eyes to see the waters rising closer to your chest. The droplets knocked against your ears and eased you into a cloudy headspace.

The water was hot. Stiflingly so. What you assumed would aid in clearing out your clogged sinus cavity did very little on that front but rather aided in the onslaught of an enervating fever.

Too weak to consider the sweating and dehydration your hot "rain bath" had caused, you fell into a state of delirium as you shook and dressed yourself in some sweatpants and crew neck.

The man who so frequently was at the forefront of your thoughts was no longer haunting your thoughts. You had originally gotten out of bed to prepare a meal but in your current state, that would not be happening.

It was laughable even to yourself as you made your way into the living room, pitching off to this side and then and staring off at the kitchen and front door for what would appear to an onlooker to be an unnervingly duration.

Eventually, you had to blink and come back to yourself, lost at how you had even gotten into the living room. And for being in such a position to seek comfort, you were overcome with the sudden need to lay on the couch.

Just for a couple minutes to "rest your eyes" as Toji often called it. And "rest your eyes" you did as the room started to spin and your hid your head into the cushions.

--

That was how Toji found you when he arrived home.

The two of you didn't text too often so the fact that you hadn't messaged all day hadn't set of any alarm bells for him. When he came through the front door, finding the place untouched since he left, well, that certainly did.

The room was dim, there wasn't any noise coming from the other rooms of the place, your presence was something he felt he needed to seek, not follow.

It was odd, seeing you there, conked on the couch, smooshed into the bolstering. And even more odd was the feeling it filled him with.

There was an overwhelming sense that something is wrong... Toji had never seen you like this. He tried to recall any hints that could have alluded to you clearly feeling unwell but the two of you had both been so busy. In and out of work, how long had you felt this way?

He knew how you were, never sharing when you hadn't gotten enough sleep or when a light was too bring and causing your headache to throb. Of course you wouldn't have said anything.

He should have noticed it. If Toji is good at anything, it's noticing. Especially when it comes to you. So whatever was going on, it must have progressed rapidly.

Toji sat up against you on the couch, when you didn't move or make any show of recondition, he pursed his lips and told himself to relax. His palm made its way around your head between the couch in order to feel your forehead and it was then that he started to panic.

You were hot. Too hot.

He had never been sure of what to do in these types of situations. His immune system was just too good, he rarely had issues like this and he had never seen you in such a pathetic state.

You were going to play it off when he woke you, he knew you would, so, how then, is he supposed to know for sure how serious it was?

He leaned his weight against your back now, looking down as your sunken form. He didn't say anything until you had whined and shifted to squint up at him.

"Hey." It came out grumbly.

"Mmm?" Everything felt airy, your ability to move your body, your recondition of where you lay, the man before you. Was any of this even real? Gosh, you felt awful.

"How you feelin'?"

Toji was a big, tough, guy. He was notorious for his unfeeling and cold nature. Rarely did he take the initiative to coddle or pamper you. And even rarer still were the times you would allow it.

In this moment though, every fiber of his “big, tough, guy" being was blaring for him to treat you gently.

He ran his hand down your back, the gooseflesh on your neck sent a chill across his and he began to seriously worry that you must be sick.

"mmm" Was your only response.

You firmly placed your face back between the couch and its cushions, truly believing you had just given a proper reply to Toji.

Narrowing his brows even further, Toji leans in, gently petting your back, lifting your hair from your neck. He places the back of his hand to your flesh there.

He couldn't recall a time where you had ever been more heated than he.

"Hey, I need you to look at me." He whispers, trying to draw your attention again.

"...ughhh...'oji" You try to shift from him but in no state, certainly not the one you presently found yourself in, were you a match for his strength.

"hey, hey, hey..." He doesn't even realize the tone he has taken on, as if he is approaching a wounded animal. He really just doesn't know what to do.

"...Eghhhh... it'ssso cold."

It is this slurred declaration that finalizes it for him. Never before, even when inebriated, have you taken on this tonality.

Toji's thigh jitters on the couch but he hides his internal alarm well otherwise. He is usually so quick to manhandle you over his shoulder, tossing you this way and that. But not now.

He takes you tenderly, and when you shuffle your face into his arm, he swallows the feeling that coats his throat.

"You been feelin' bad all day?"

He makes his way to the bedroom, when you nod into his chest his posture straightens.

Of course.

Once you're feeling better he's going to need to have a talk with you about sharing how you feel. At this moment, however, you are a limp noodle, falling away from his body as he plops you onto the bed.

He tucks the blanket around your body and sits on the edge of the bed.

"You eat yet?"

If you think that not responding will get him off your back, you are sorely mistaken. He would get an answer out of you. Nudging your side, pressing your body further into the mattress.

"Hey. Have you eaten?" He asks, slower this time.

You open your eyes, feeling a bit more cognizant. From the bed, you heave a breath and blink up at the man. "M' a bit nauseous."

"So, no."

"Yeah…”

He sighs, saving his lecture for when he isn't pounding with anxiety at your expression. The bed starts to tilt as Toji shifts his weight, moving to get up.

He was very likely going to prepare something light for your stomach, but in a moment of weakness, (wholly brought on by the cloudy brain and certainly not your realization of how soft your man was being) you reach out for him.

"Don't go."

A shiver causes his shoulders to tremble. A week ago he would have said no, shoving you off him only to fulfill your request. But in this moment he doesn't even have it in himself to jokingly deny you.

Turning back, he tickles a hand along your face. Pressing slightly at your temples. The massage eases everything for a moment, you wish you could stay like this for the however long your ailment lasts.

You roll over slightly, turning your face away from him and into the pillows. His fingers dance from your temples to the side of your eye, to the bridge of your nose. He presses slightly, running his fingertip up the length of it, to the space between your eyes, then back again.

He repeats the motion a few times, watching your breathing even out. He watches chills roll over you as his hand finds the back of your neck, moving to scratch gently there.

It does not take long for you to fall back into a restless sleep. As he watched you snore under the lump of blankets, he hoped this rest would do you well.

Toji isn't the best cook out there, but he's not as useless in the kitchen as he might seem. He would swap between preparing soup to peeking into the bedroom every so often. Cutting up some potato, shredding some chicken, chopping some carrots. Only to get nervous and stand in the doorway to watch the heep of germs on his bed.

Typically he would feel a sense of accomplishment for his healthy meal and the speed at which he prepared it.

Not now. His thoughts were filled with your weak voice back on the couch, your gaze when you asked him to stay with you.

He had never seen you like that. It had thrown him.

Toji almost didn't want to wake you but it only took remembering that you hadn't eaten all day for him to eventually nudge you awake.

You groaned and complained but once you were conscious, it seemed that you were more aware.

"W-wait, what?…Toji, you made this?"

"Yeah, so you better eat it all."

He scooched you over into the middle of the bed before sitting up beside you. You waved off his attempt to feed you, insisting on holding the bowl in your lap.

So Toji just watched, looking down at you spooning soup into your mouth. Humming every so often.

"It's good, Toji."

"Oh, yeah?" You aren't looking at him but you can hear his grin, "Lucky you, there's plenty of extra."

You smile. But it doesn't reach your eyes.

You know Toji did this because he wanted to, but sitting here, being useless all day, you felt so ashamed.

"...Lucky me....thank you...Toji."

"No worries." His fingertips found the back of your neck once more and started thrumming a pattern while you stared off, still eating.

"I'm sorry."

You couldn't not say it. It just came out.

"What? Why?"

The spoon clinks against the bowl and you cover your eyes with a hand. "Just...all of this, I'm sorry it happened, and that you had to come home and do all this."

"Alright-“ He leans over now, trying to bend and catch your eye but you turn away. He grabs the bowl in one hand and sets it on the bedside table beside him. "I don't want to hear you say that again."

You shake your head to disagree but he leans back then, gripping your shoulders and laying you atop his shoulder.

"I wish you would let me take care of you."

You stay on him, feeling his chest rise and pound with life and love. But you still try to avoid the eye contact he was trying to make happen.

"You already have-"

"Well I wish you would let me without whatever all this guilt is. I don't want you feelin' bad for getting sick. And then apologizing for me watching out for you."

There was a steady pause. The two of you lay, listening to the silence, awaiting your reply.

"Thank you." Is all you said.

Because it's what you felt. And you knew he wouldn’t accept anything else.

"Sure, baby." He leans down and kisses the top of your head.

And as badly as you would like to stay present and ask about his day like you normally would. It is becoming a real challenge to stay awake. Especially with his hand tracing patterns over your arm.

And for the first time in three days. You have some restful sleep.

--

The next day you wake feeling much better, rejuvenated even. But Toji is still fussing over you like he's your grandma. Tapping his foot and waiting for you to finish eating before allowing you to do anything else.

"I slaved over that, you better not leave a drop."

You roll your eyes, grateful the teasing dynamic has come back to you both. Even so, there is an underlying care that the two of you share, you smile before getting up, he tries to take your bowl but you insist on washing it yourself.

Toji’s head is on your shoulder and his breath whispers on your neck, you rinse the suds from your dish. For once, it feels nice and warm to be cared for without pretense.

You set your bowl on a towel, quickly shifting to tiptoes and leaving a smooch on Toji's cheek.

He makes a funny noise in the back of his throat then. Whiling around to squish your cheeks in a firm grip.

"Ya better not go getting me sick."

You stare at one another, and although he had just finished pushing your from him, he looks at your face in his hand. And without a moments hesitation longer, he drags you in for a proper kiss.

To him, felt good to love you, and to you, it felt good to be loved

[lady-ashfade]

All Is Far In Love And Farming

Chapter 1: Getting Started

´*: ･ﾟ⋆˒ Yandere!Mha!Hybrids × Farmer! Fem!Reader. Chapter 1.

╰･ﾟ✧☽ storyline: The calling of being a professional farmer had been your dream since you were young. Growing up on your granddad’s farm was the best thing, many years later you happen to be back. And the property is now yours to restore. With some hard work, you want to restore hybrid caretaking back to what it once was.

╰･ﾟ✧☽ Chapters: Previous // Next

╰･ﾟ✧☽ words: 2.5k

╰･ﾟ✧☽ warnings: short chapters, stardew valley au, yandere behaviors, obsession, stalking, hybrid abuse, slightly sick love, possessive, manipulative, gaslighting. platonic yandere, hybrid and human relationships, and future warnings when more chapters come out, spelling mistakes and grammar who?

╰･ﾟ✧☽ characters for now: Izuku Midoriya, Katsuki Bakugou, Mina Ashido, Ochako Uraraka, Tenya lida, Denki Kaminari, Kyoka Jiro, Tsuyu Asui, Shoto Todoroki, Eijiro Kirishima, Hanta Sero, Mashirao Ojiro, Koji Koda, Momo Yaoyorozu

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-`｡ﾟ˘: ﾟ⋆ ––✷☽ ᱬ ☽✷––⋆ ﾟ: ˘ ﾟ｡.`-

Everything you once saw, the brightest of grass and the crops ripe and perfect, and the animals in the barns chirping of happiness— it was all gone. once a happy place you roamed in the summer as a kid was now a abandoned filthy place, old bards with holes and damaged walls. Nothing was what it used to be, the grass was as tall as small trees and it was going to take a lot of lovin.

But if your granddad taught you one thing is that; working for a better future would make everything you did it worth it.

And that’s exactly why you are here, to make your future. Everything in your life was about becoming a farmer, like your grandfather. and like him, you believed hybrids deserved to be in a safe and open land to roam, not such in some metal factory and enclosed to live their life.

“Come join the number one hybrid farm in Japan, The League.” the tv rung in your ears back at the college room, the place had been taking over everything and running all the local and good places out. at one point the only place you probably could work at was The League, since they seemed to be everywhere. “New locations, New Areas, And New Pay. Call the number on your screen for more information.” you had heard the commercial so many times you rolled your eyes everytime.

Never did you believe they would come out here, and be the competition. 

Honestly, the first day your body was drained easily from all the work. The labor wasn’t exactly what you were expecting to start off with, moving the rooks and weeding. But you had supplies to start off with thankfully, the money he left you was so much, and ready for a new purpose. But the only thing that was helping you in all of this, your holy grail was a local store owner. Arthur, who happened to be your grandfathers best friend.

slapping the metal truck with the gloved hand, the old man smiled and stepped down from the back of the moving truck. you whipped off the sweat from your skin and catch your breath as the unpacked heavy boxes placed besides you and man.

“The old man used to buy twice as much as this and unload it all him, then complain when his back hurt afterwards. Lucky, he had me to talk some since into him.” the white haired man spoke breathlessly. you didn’t want him to have to help, seeing his age but he was in better shape then you by the looks of things. “Old bat was stubborn, you got that in you kid?”

taking a deep breath you arose from the bend down position you were in and look at the man, smiling a bit you commented back. “Used to give granddad a run for his money, I think I have it in me.” you were earned with a deep chuckle and a small one from yourself. starting back up again you closed the doors and gave the man who drove the truck the okay and he drove away.

the next day was worse then the first, your body was sore and tired, you wore sunscreen all over your body to protect you from the heat damage and the illnesses you could catch. unpacking all the equipment, getting them put together, and make sure the starter crops are taken care of. you took many breaks. and Arthur was the greatest help you could ask for.

you heard the story of how he met your granddad many times before, but you didn’t mind hearing it from his side. Arthur had moved from the United States to start his business with his family, and your grandfather was just started out in town. they were younger and bonded right away, and there for marriages, children and grandchildren. knowing he wasn’t as alone when you left was comforting in a away but you knew the full story. just before your tenth birthday you were moved away from the small town with your parents and left the farm behind.

“He talked about you every day.” The words perked up your ears. You looked at Arthur as he continued to work on a huge fan.

“Everything that happened in your life, he would tell me. What happened at middle school sport events, to dances and even show pictures of the dresses you wore. And man, when you went to college for Hybrid Education he was bursting with energy again.” It’s been a long time since he was able to leave the cabin. You knew that, but knowing still punched you in the guts.

“Was he proud?” asking was a waste of time.

“Proud as hell, there should be no doubt about it. His pride and joy was you, more then anything he did here, and now you have a legacy to continue.” smiling you continue to work to hold yourself from the weight building up in your chest. you missed him so much.

Each day there was something new to fix and call in, you knew granddad was rich from the bank account he left you. but boy, it sure was a lot of money. and now, you finally had a starting point. you had scheduled a barn repair on the electrical and building. the crops were set up along with the sprinklers and scare crows, even cleaned out the well…but not without getting algae all over you.

Smalltowns in the country side where the best, everyone in the community was helpful towards one other. And since The League had a location down the road, the people really came together. Businesses were losing in hybrid projects and animals, but the crops were the same. But this met more hybrids lost there homes, and had to be relocated elsewhere else or to The League…You hated it.

A big wooden sign at one of the joint shop centers made you smile and turn into the lot. today was the weekly event, selling of many things of local produces. you remember coming here as a kid and always getting blueberry jam from the market lady. and just like then, it was crowded. and with a lot of stalls and moving trucks. Arthur had told you they still had them and that you should check it out. of course you wouldn’t miss this for anything.

you shut the truck door and fixed your clothes before started the walk around. everyone was selling amazing things at their booths. the first table you saw was one cover in homemade soap bars and honey products. a sweet older couple ran that shop. some stalls were for hybrids for sale but you didn’t have room for them, at least until the barns are rebuilt. but milk, crops and seeds where your thing anyway to look at.

“how much for this?” the only person behind the table was a young girl who looked angry and ready to chew off your head, it was laughable. she was going to be hard to haggle, but a amazing work ethic. “I don’t know you, so twenty bucks.” your eyes widen and look down at the honey in your hand. it was a very small jar…and not worth it, I mean for the bigger bottles sure.

“Hmm, how about ten?” the small girl glared at your words and huffed. she shook her head in annoyance and pointed to the tag, “you trying to get out of paying hard working people lady? This is the best honey you’ll find in the whole country! Haggling is only for people I know,” her finger pointed at you and you back up a little at her shouting voice. “And you ain’t it!”

signing you pull out a twenty and handed it to her, she smiles so kindly you forget about the anger she had. placing it in your cloth bag you continue walking down the path, smiling and looking around. not much you could buy yet, though you did buy from groceries and loaded the up in the bed of the truck.

“well if it ain’t the talk of the town,” a sweet woman’s voice called out loudly. you turn your gaze and see a almost forgotten face, but one that filled you with joy and nostalgia. “Aunty Hoshiko.” You scream and rush over, the older woman comes out form her booth and takes you into her arms. only now did you realize the sweet small of jam and the jar’s decorated like they used to be, but this area was bigger and a extra tent was behind it.

“I couldn’t believe you moved back here after moving to the city, heard you got into a good college.” She smiled from cheek to cheek while pulling away. “Why come back here?” it was flattering how much she thought of you, but you couldn’t have stayed away from this place for much longer.

“Well, grandpa left me the farm and I needed to start my new life. Can’t get much better then a already laid for land, and with great soil.” she hummed but her eyes dropped a little and her smile became different. “I’m so sorry, he was a good man. you tell me if you need any help okay? Your granddad helped us a lot, so many people in town will be willing to do help too.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” you smile and take a peek at the table, “mind if I look?” she is excited to show you all the new flavors and jars she has, letting you smell each one. she even offers you a discount for family.

you had a few jams picked out but you keep looking at everything, knowing you’ll come home with more. then there was a sign and paperwork around on a tables end.“Hybrid Rescues” is what you read and your hands reached for it immediately. seeing your interested, Hoshiko started to talk.

“The League has been running out businesses, hybrids are either purchased or…end up alone and abandoned. My friend runs a rescue company, we help her out here trying to give some of them a home.” you clinch the paper in your hand and want both more then to go punch the owners of the company. No hybrid deserves to be left alone.

“I usually have a few here with me, but today only one is for sale. He’s very special. And a house animal, or helper if you will since I know you don’t have much room for more yet.” the next step was to always get hybrids, but you weren’t sure if today was the best idea today…

“Oh!” that wasn’t your choice since she pulled your arm and lend you into the tent where only one hybrids sat. you struggled to look away from the hybrid laying in the floor.

He was huge. he looked peaceful tho, curled up on a bed and resting peacefully. he had long and pointed ears, a middle tail that curled. “he’s a special breed, no idea why they didn’t keep him since he must have cost a fortune.” there was a small scar on his arm and you hated to see, it looked like cattle whip strokes.

“tenya,” she called out quietly to wake the dog. you really didn’t know if you should get a hybrid, but seeing him already you knew you couldn’t say no. his furry ears twitched and his body rolled over ready to see what was happening. he was fast, and he was built. a pure breed for herding and hard labor. “I have someone here who needs a dog to help around the farm.” she patted you on the back and you got shy for some reason.

His tail was sticking up, his eyes glancing over and panicked. he was on high alert. “Hey buddy, my names y/n.” You smile softly. You don’t want to move until he gives you a sign. his nose sniffs into the air for a moment and his body freezes, you both stop for a minute too.

until the thumping of his tail was heard and he jumped up to greet you properly. you are taken aback and he gets excited and starts to shout, you can’t help but to smile. “My names Tenya, I am apart of the Iida breed. I have experience in herding, working and defending territory. I have many skills,” his hands reaches for hers and stuffs it into his nose to get a proper smell.

“Hello to you too,” you giggle. having some help now would be good, and a herding dog would the best thing.

“Tell me iida, are you okay with maybe coming home with me?” if it was only a dog he would for sure be jumping on you from how happy he seems to be.

Iida didn’t want you to leave to get things needed, saying it was his job to be with you now but you need to find food and things before leaving. he whined forever until he saw you again.

you came back to get him…like you said you would. he loved you, loved you so much. the kindest human he’s met.

Riding back to the farm was a journey. he was talking every second about all the things he could do, from each animal, hybrid or not. boy, was so happy to be by your side. and he was asking about you too. why you picked him? what you wanted him to do.

your heart broke once you got back to the cabin.

you held the door open and called for him to come in, but he just stood on the porch looking at you almost guilty. “Hybrids aren’t aloud inside, I must protect you from out here.” he was already looking for a place to set up for the night. it was a miracle you didn’t start crying again.

“Well, whoever told you that was a idiot. Many dog hybrids are aloud inside, and it’s my house so my roles go.” you tap the door again. he was hesitant, and it took about ten minutes to get him inside. and you told him to stay put while you get the things from the car…then told him it was a order to get him to stay.

you placed the things on the floor and smiled, proud of yourself. “Okay, so I got a large mattress for you. We can place it anywhere you want, also got you special food, hybrids approved.” he looked at the mattress for a long minute. Iida couldn’t believe it was his, he hadn’t slept on one of them since he was little, and then at the market earlier. And this one was his, made for his height and weight for him to sleep…inside.

“Your bought this for me?” He asked while poking at the bed, it’s softness amazed him. once he accepted his reality his tail starts to swing like crazy and crawled over to you, and hugged you lovingly.

“I’ll be the best boy I promise. anything you need I will do, anything.” his grip tightened around your waist and pushed his head into your plush stomach. you patted his head and thanked him, and told him he deserved to be loved and cared for.

That night, he placed his bed in front of your bedroom door and stood watch in his bed. to protect you, his master…his.

next chapter.

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[yet-another-heathen]

On the topic of realistic conditioning/deconditioning,

If the trigger is something whumpee wouldn't hear often when they're with caretaker but whumpee still wants to break it because they might hear it elsewhere (like kneel being taken as a command)

Would whumpee ask caretaker to casually trigger them so they have the opportunity to challenge it in their own head and in a safe place? Would this be a good idea for recovery?

And of course being there with the praise everytime whumpee makes just a little bit of progress, or comfort when they don't.

Heads up, anon: your ask was an EXCEPTIONALLY good one, and I ended up writing another mini TED talk (~3-4 min read) in response. Thank you so much for sending it in!

...on Conditioned Whumpees - Part 3

[ Part 1 - Part 2 ]

That is a very, very good idea! You're spot on with all of it, particularly operating in a safe environment where whumpee is ultimately calling the shots. Having that comfort/support readily available will make a huge difference in how well whumpee can tackle the matter. And while the process isn't fun, approaching desensitization with this much intent is much, much more likely to result in success.

I can offer a few pointers that can add another few layers of realism, as well as some other things to think about while tailoring it to your story:

if whumpee is actively working through their conditioning in this way, memories of their trauma will become closer to the surface. As a result, all of their other PTSD symptoms will be elevated during the course of their practice sessions, as well as for at least a few weeks after.

flashbacks are a very common experience during times like this. engaging with triggers like this is going to cause their flashbacks to become more frequent and intense.

during such flashbacks, it is almost a given that whumpee's mind and body will enter a similar state to the one it was in during the time when the flashback was taking place. By that I mean that the fear they felt in that moment, where it was physically located in their body, will echo into their body in the present moment. Same goes for other all other emotions, and sometimes even phantom aches surrounding any injuries they received at the time...

while the emotions tend to be identical to the ones felt during the trauma, in my experience, the pain comes out distorted in a similar way to the way it does in dreams: less intense, and more "blurry" and imprecise in location. When we say that someone having a flashback is "reliving the moment", we mean that their body literally feels as though they're in the same immediate danger that it was in back then.

this is true even though they'll be aware to at least some degree that they're presently with caretaker and safe.

the flashbacks don't always happen immediately after the conditioning trigger is used. Often they flare up hours or days later, sometimes without warning, sometimes as a result of encountering a different flashback trigger. The whumpee's thresholds for what counts as a trigger will drop, which is part of what causes the flashbacks to happen more often. Something they could normally ignore is going to affect them much more while they're like this.

your whumpee is more likely to experience severe mood swings while in this heightened state. Especially feelings like irritability, frustration, anger, loneliness, and grief. This stuff ain't pretty, folks. Even your sweet cinnamon bun is most likely going to lash out at someone as a result.

PTSD episodes are also exhausting. your whumpee is going to feel mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. And, to add insult to injury, being tired amplifies the emotions listed above.

Now all of this said, your whumpee may or may not know that this is to be expected. If they've worked on processing their trauma before this, they'll have figured out that one often leads to the other. They'll go into the deconditioning practice knowing this is coming, and will approach it carefully, but with a fairly level head. Knowing that it'll suck, but they'll come out the other side okay.

If not, they're in for a rather nasty surprise.

For the latter, they will feel at first that the deconditioning practice is making everything worse. They're suddenly struggling the way they did when the trauma was fresher, and it can be tempting to stop and refuse to touch it again because the mental/emotional pain gets so intense.

If they do give up at this stage, it will make trying again far more daunting in the future.

But the trauma being stirred up is actually a sign that it's helping. It means that the whumpee is starting to process what happened to them, which is a fundamental step in being able to heal.

Note: All throughout the process, crying is a very good thing. It lets them physically get rid of a lot of the brain chemicals associated with these surges of emotion. Letting themselves cry over things they couldn't cry about back then can actually help them let go of those feelings in a similar way to if they'd been able to process them in the moment. [Which is the basis for much of EMDR, a specialized tool used in trauma therapy.]

Okay. So now we know what other effects can cascade from the actual deconditioning practice, now we have some things to consider.

First off, what time parameters are whumpee and caretaker working within while deconditioning? There are three basic options:

they sit down together and practice repeatedly using the trigger for [X amount of time; usually <45m at once] back to back. Once that time is up, caretaker will no longer use the trigger at all, the excercise will end, and they'll get up to do something else.

whumpee sets a specific window of time [X number of hours] within which caretaker will use the trigger word at random points. Once that time has elapsed, the exercise is over.

over the course of days, caretaker uses the trigger word at random points without giving warning. the excercise only stops after being ended by whumpee.

Now why is that important? Because of something called hypervigilance. It is another symptom of PTSD which, to put it into the simplest words, is whumpee waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a heightened state of tension and wariness in which whumpee is expecting that something bad is going to happen, and is constantly searching for any sign to indicate when it's coming.

It is beyond exhausting.

Imagine knowing that someone is about to slap you as hard as they can, and you have to sit there with your eyes closed, waiting for it. The breath-holding, the flinchiness, the rigid tension in your body as you strain to listen for when they're coming.

Only now, stretch that moment out into hours. Days. Weeks. That is hypervigilance.

A hypervigilant whumpee is not going to be able to relax. Or rest. Or decompress. Or readily trust much of anything around them. They're MUCH more likely to flinch at sudden movements/sounds. They might start biting their nails or showing other signs of nervousness and distress.

These methods above have a gradually increasing chance of setting off whumpee's hypervigilance. If they know exactly when the next trigger is coming, as in example 1, then their 'waiting for it' tension will be low. But the more uncertain they become of exactly when it's going to happen, as in examples 2 & 3, the worse the hypervigilance is going to get.

The trade off is that the later examples are more effective in desensitizing them toward the trigger. The more their practice mimics encountering an unexpected trigger in day-to-day life, the easier it will be to fall back on that desensitization when the time comes.

Therefore, it would be a very good idea for a whumpee who's new to this to start with number 1, then gradually progress to 2 & 3 as time goes on. They should be the one to decide when the next step is made, and if/when they need to dial it back.

Other questions to ask yourself while plotting:

how mentally prepared is whumpee for worsening symptoms? what about caretaker? did either of them know it was coming?

how much of this heightened PTSD stress can your whumpee take before it becomes too much? how do they react when they do hit that tipping point?

if caretaker feels that whumpee is getting too distressed during practice even though they're not tapping out, would they call it off themself? Or would they ultimately leave that decision to whumpee?

based on the answer, how would whumpee feel about caretaker's decision? Relieved? Belittled? Betrayed?

does whumpee have any grounding tools they can use while practicing?

how does caretaker handle the mood swings and instability that come with whumpee's heightened PTSD? You should consider both their internal and external reactions on the matter.

how does whumpee prefer to decompress after a practice session? what things would help them calm down and recover?

how long do they need (hours or days) before the next attempt?

Even with all I've just written, there's far more to the resulting hightened state of PTSD than flashbacks and hypervigilance. PTSD symptoms that they're most likely to encounter in the background while doing deconditioning practice include:

Flinchiness, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares, exhaustion, emotional mood swings, outbursts, crying spells, depression, executive dysfunction, dissociation, numbness, racing thoughts, freeze responses, tremors, inappetence, muscle tension, and heart palpitations.

Yes, usually many of them at once, even those that contradict. Your whumpee is going to have a LOT going on at once, and it is not going to be a fun time. I recommend looking up any of the above symptoms you don't recognize, and looking for whump inspiration in what you learn.

(Because everyone experiences PTSD episodes differently, there's a lot of wiggle room in which ones whumpee will encounter. Don't feel pressured to use all of them, find what you want to write and have fun with it!)

Thanks again for the incredible ask, anon. And again, I want to congratulate you on how spot-on your original ask was. You nailed it. I know this was a lot more than you asked for, but I hope this provides helpful context for your whump! My inbox will always be open if you think of anything more <3

[tarotwithavi]

When will you find love? And a little about your person.

How to choose a pile?

Close your eyes and take a deep breath and ask the angels to show you the right pile for you and open your eyes. The first pile that catches your attention is the right pile for you

Masterlist

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Pile 1

Alright pile 1! Welcome to your reading and the first message I'm getting is that you will find love when you start loving yourself The way You want to be loved. And it may be a long journey to be honest. However the love that will come to you between your journey is something you have dreamed of, and for some of you I am seeing that you may also attract your future spouse. Because I keep seeing a long committed relationship with the person that will come into your life when you start loving yourself. But I also want you to know that the universe will test you and will send you duplicate copies of your future spouse who are toxic so you may encounter some situations where you made out if this person is your future spouse or not and I want you to always choose yourself in such situations.

Now let's talk about that person, I see that for most of you this person could be a fire sign or an Earth sign. The person you are meant to be with is really mentally strong and embodies the traditional qualities of their gender. What I mean by that is if you are a woman attracted to men your person will embody all the qualities of a traditional man like being the caretaker, being the provider etc. women attracted to women then your person will embody all the qualities of a traditional woman like being supporting, being nurturing etc. and their qualities will not be toxic like how traditional man are viewed as controlling and lack of consideration etc. and I'm also getting that your person will spend their money on you and their love language maybe gifting. I also see that your person belongs to a really big family or a family that has a rich background like some sort of reality or respect that comes from being born in their family. I also see that your person has a really nice voice and whenever they speak it sounds soothing. For some of you their mother may have been a single mom or they may not have good relations with their father. I also see that your person requires a lot of rest because the work they do requires a lot of their energy and their work could be mentally draining.

Pile 2

How are you? Pile 2, first of all I have a good news for you, you are on the journey of finding love and I am saying that because I see that you have been putting a lot of work on yourself and you have been feeling full of love these days for some of you you can literally feel deep inside of you that you are about to meet someone whom you are going to fall in love with. I also see that some of you may have been invited to go somewhere or you will be invited in the near future and you may meet your person there. Some of you are about to find love within a month and some of you will find love in summer time. I also see that you are about to be asked out on a date and I want you to give this a chance because I feel positive Vibes from this pile (of course only accept if you feel like doing it)

Now let's talk about your person. I see that your person could be a fire or a water sign and Aries, Leo and cancer specifically. I see that this person has been through a lot and you can literally see it on their face or you may feel it when you meet them. I also see that you both share equal feelings for each other and this may be the person you are crushing on currently. They may be an artist or they may like to create beautiful things in their free time. Another message I'm picking upon is that they will give you handmade things like handwritten letters , DIY flowers etc because I see that they are someone who shows their Love by doing things for the person they love. I also see that on a side note they may suffer from anxiety or depression or they may have insomnia. However they will recover soon and they could be born in the month of April or April could be a significant month for you. I also see that they hide their pain and their sufferings from others. This person is really physically attractive and they always have something nice to say. They give great advice and the words that come out of their mouth are literally the words of wisdom. I also see that they may do charitable work or they may work in the medical field. Your person may be a bit different from you or from the way you were brought up. For some of you, they can have a fear of lizards or it can be the complete opposite. They may wear a hat or turban, it could be related to their culture.

Pile 3

Heyyyy pile 3! The first thing I'm getting is that this pile is divided into two groups. People who resonate more with group 1 will find love soon, like within 5 to 6 months and the people who resonate with group 2 will find love in , maybe 11 months to 14 months. Now I will be listing some things which will help you find your group. If you are a fire sign or you talk a lot or you talk really fast, walk fast, have a black round mole on your right hand or right side of your body, long fingers, wear glasses not contracts, have more than 8 friends who you talk to, or like pink then you are group 1. And if you are an Earth sign, wear baggy clothes, have a great balance, are or may have been a cheerleader, live near forest, droopy nose, long fingernails or are wearing a black top/hoodie currently then you are group 2. Of course, you can read if you don't resonate with any of these groups.

Okay so I see that some of you literally manifested this person. Within the past 9 months you may have done a ritual or made a wish about love and your wish is about to be granted. I also see that you may meet this person through a friend or your sibling. Because I see that you will get to know this person through a mutual friend or someone. Another message I'm getting is that your person is literally a dream come true for you however I also see that they may have a lot of passion (you know what I'm talking about 🌝👀) and I also see that they are really knowledgeable they may speak 3 to 4 languages and they may have a lot of friends that are different from them. Another thing I'm getting is that some of you share a past life connection with this person and in this lifetime you two are meant to be together so nothing can pull you apart. I also see that your person has a lot of responsibility on their shoulders and I also see that sometimes they get overwhelmed by taking care of everything. They also have a tendency to stress over things they cannot control. Your person could be an air sign or Earth sign. They already have a bright personality and a lot of people notice them. I also see that they know how to take care of things and situations but sometimes they just stress over nothing. They have good time management and hate people who are not punctual. They know what they are capable of and they know what they deserve. They are really sure about themselves and they will not second guess their choices. They require a lot of time alone to function properly, however that will not be a hurdle in your relationship because I see that you have this quality too.

Muah 💋

[paucubarsisimp]

Ferran surprising mum!reader with a fancy date night because she’s been really drained looking after their newborn son?

break

pairing: ferran torres x reader

summary: in which you and ferran take a much needed break

warnings: none!

a/n: had to write this bc ferran’s looking extra fine today 🤭💗

tagged: @barcapix, @universefcb, @joaosnovia, @nngkay, lmk if you want to be added to the taglist!

it had been a few weeks since you’d given birth to your beautiful baby boy, mateo. the little one was perfect, his tiny hands gripping yours with a fierceness that made your heart swell every time you held him. but as much as you loved being a new mom, you had to admit—being mateo’s full-time caretaker had left you absolutely exhausted. the sleepless nights, the constant feedings, the never-ending cycle of diaper changes and soothing cries—everything had blurred into one long, tiring stretch of time.

your mornings began at dawn, and more often than not, they ended long after sunset. ferran, your loving partner, had been doing everything he could to help, but you saw how much he had to juggle with his football career and travel schedules. it was hard to ask for more when he was already doing his best, but there were moments you felt like you were drowning in the responsibilities.

tonight, however, you didn’t have to worry. ferran had insisted that you take a break, that you get some rest, even if just for a few hours. and it wasn’t just talk—he’d gone so far as to arrange something special. you just didn’t know what yet.

it was the first time in weeks you felt even the slightest bit of relief. as you prepared for the night, you tried to gather the little energy you had left. ferran had mentioned something about “getting you ready for the night,” but you hadn’t had the energy to ask more. the thought of getting out of the house without mateo was a strange feeling—both liberating and somewhat unsettling.

you heard ferran in the living room, his voice low as he spoke to someone. your curiosity piqued, you adjusted your messy ponytail and walked toward the sounds.

“no te preocupes, pedri,” ferran was saying. “everything’s set up. just keep him entertained for a couple of hours, and we’ll be back by midnight. if there’s anything—anything—just give me a call, okay?”

pedri, who had become a good friend of both yours and ferran’s, gave a cheerful reply, though you could only hear the faint rustle of movement. “you know i’ve got it covered. he’ll be fine with me. besides, he’s adorable. how much trouble can he be?”

ferran laughed softly. “exactly. just don’t spoil him too much, ¿vale?”

you peeked around the corner and smiled softly at the sight of ferran. he was standing in the middle of the living room, his phone pressed to his ear, his casual yet stylish outfit a sharp contrast to the worn-out pajamas you’d been living in the last few days. his gaze flicked to you, and he smiled warmly.

“hola, princesa,” ferran said with a smile, his voice warm and full of affection as he walked toward you, hanging up the phone. “you look so beautiful, even with that tired look in your eyes.”

you rolled your eyes but couldn’t help the soft smile that tugged at your lips. “you always say that, even when i look like a zombie.”

he grinned, stepping closer and wrapping his arms around your waist. “because it’s true, my love. you’re still my beautiful princesa.”

you leaned into him, your eyes closing for a moment. “exhausted, but i’m okay,” you muttered.

“you’ve been amazing, though,” ferran said softly, pulling back slightly to look at you. “but tonight? tonight is for you.”

you raised an eyebrow, curiosity stirring. “what do you mean?”

“come on,” ferran said, his voice a mix of mischief and tenderness. “i’ve planned something special, just for you. a surprise. and pedri’s on baby duty for the night, so you don’t have to worry about mateo.”

“pedri?” you asked, blinking in surprise. “he’s babysitting? but… you know he’s never done this before.”

“he promised he could handle it,” ferran grinned. “besides, i trust him. and it’ll give you the chance to relax and recharge a bit. trust me, everything’s under control.”

you hesitated for a moment, glancing toward the nursery door where mateo was sleeping soundly. the thought of leaving him behind, even for a couple of hours, felt foreign. but ferran was right. you needed a break. you couldn’t pour from an empty cup. and honestly, you were craving a chance to just… breathe.

“okay, i’ll do it,” you said with a sigh, a soft smile pulling at your lips. “but if mateo needs anything, you’re not getting out of it. i’ll come home and drag you back to help.”

ferran laughed, pulling you in for another quick kiss on your forehead. “deal. now, let’s get you ready, preciosa.”

“okay, princesa,” ferran said, his voice low and full of affection as he helped you pull on a soft, flowing dress you hadn’t worn in what felt like ages. the simple yet elegant piece made you feel a little more like yourself, something that was a rare feeling these days. “you look amazing.”

you looked at yourself in the mirror and smiled softly. it felt good to wear something other than sweatpants and your old maternity clothes. still, your tired eyes betrayed how exhausted you were.

“are you sure you’re okay with pedri watching mateo?” you asked, feeling a little uneasy. “he’s never babysat before. what if he gets overwhelmed?”

ferran reached over, brushing a stray lock of hair from your face, his touch gentle. “don’t worry, mi amor. pedri’s a natural with kids. i’m sure mateo will be in good hands. he’ll spoil him rotten, but it’ll be fine.”

you couldn’t help but chuckle. “i bet he’ll be the one getting spoiled, not mateo. have you seen how pedri acts with him?”

ferran smiled, a soft laugh escaping him. “yeah, i know. i can’t even look at pedri without him pulling out all the stops for our little guy. but you deserve this break.”

you turned toward him, pulling him into a quick hug. “thank you, ferran. really.”

“anything for you, princesa,” he said, his lips brushing against your forehead. “now, let’s get you out of here before you change your mind.”

as you stepped out of the bedroom, ferran took your hand, leading you toward the door. he was dressed casually but with that same effortless charm—jeans, a fitted shirt, and a jacket that somehow made him look both laid-back and stylish. the kind of look that made heads turn. he was the perfect mix of athleticism and handsome elegance.

“so, where are we going?” you asked, feeling a flutter of excitement in your chest. “and don’t tell me it’s a surprise to the surprise.”

ferran grinned, shaking his head. “you’ll see. but first, we need to make a stop.”

he guided you to the car, where a sleek black vehicle was parked outside, its engine already humming softly. ferran opened the door for you, helping you inside with a playful bow. “your chariot awaits, princesa.”

you couldn’t help but laugh. “you’re so extra, but i love it.”

as ferran got into the driver’s seat and pulled away from the house, you allowed yourself to relax a little. the drive was peaceful, with the city lights of barcelona casting a soft glow against the darkening sky. for the first time in a long time, you felt like you could just breathe.

“it’s nice to have a night out,” you said, gazing out the window. “it’s been so long since we’ve done anything like this.”

ferran glanced over at you, his expression softening. “i know, princesa. but i’ve been wanting to do this for a while. i want to remind you how much you mean to me, how much i appreciate everything you do.”

you smiled, your heart swelling with affection. “you’re already so good to me. i don’t need fancy surprises.”

“but you deserve them,” he replied, giving your hand a quick squeeze. “i just want you to feel special, even if it’s only for tonight.”

you let the silence settle between you as ferran navigated through the city, eventually turning onto a quieter road. your curiosity grew, and your thoughts drifted back to mateo. though he was in good hands with pedri, part of you still felt that protective instinct—the need to be close to him.

ferran must’ve sensed the slight shift in your mood because he gently squeezed your hand again. “mateo’s doing fine, mi amor. don’t worry. we’ll be back soon, and everything will be perfect.”

“you’re right,” you said, taking a deep breath and trying to push away the worry. “it’s just hard. i didn’t think i’d feel this way, but i miss him already.”

he nodded, his eyes briefly meeting yours before returning to the road. “it’s natural, sweetheart. i promise, pedri is more than capable. you deserve this break, and mateo deserves to know he has a strong, loving mama. you’ve been working hard. tonight is for you.”

before you could respond, ferran turned into a small, cozy street lined with dimly lit cafés and restaurants. you hadn’t been here before, but it had that quaint, intimate vibe that made your heart skip a beat. he parked the car in front of a beautifully lit building—a small restaurant with a private terrace.

“this place?” you asked, eyes wide. “it looks amazing.”

ferran smiled, getting out of the car and walking around to open your door. “i’m glad you like it. i thought you’d appreciate a quieter spot. a place that’s just about us.”

you took his hand, letting him lead you up to the entrance. the hostess greeted you both with a warm smile, guiding you to a private table on the terrace that overlooked the city. the table was set for two, with candles flickering gently in the cool evening air. it was simple but perfect, just the kind of ambiance you craved.

“this is beautiful, ferran,” you said, looking around, taking it all in. the soft glow of the candles, the delicate sound of the wind, and the quiet chatter of people in the distance. it felt intimate, like the world outside had stopped for just the two of you.

“anything for you, mi vida,” ferran said, his voice sincere. he helped you settle into your seat before sitting across from you. “it’s been too long since we’ve had a quiet dinner. i wanted tonight to be special, just for us.”

you smiled softly, feeling your exhaustion begin to fade with the peaceful atmosphere. as the waiter came to take your drink order, ferran leaned across the table, his eyes warm with affection.

“te quiero mucho, princesa,” he whispered, his voice just for you.

“te quiero mucho, ferran,” you whispered back, your heart full.

when you and ferran arrived home, the house was quiet, the kind of silence only a peacefully sleeping baby could bring. ferran parked the car and turned off the engine, glancing over at you with a soft smile.

“ready to see how our little one’s doing?” he asked, his voice gentle.

you nodded, already feeling the pull toward the nursery. “i just hope pedri didn’t spoil him too much.”

ferran chuckled. “well, if mateo’s learned how to ask for snacks already, we’ll know who to blame.”

you laughed softly, making your way down the hallway with him. as you reached the nursery door, you peeked inside and saw pedri sitting in the rocking chair, softly humming a tune as he rocked back and forth. mateo was nestled comfortably in his arms, fast asleep, his tiny hand curled up in a gentle fist.

pedri looked up when you entered, his face breaking into a big grin. “they’re back! and i swear, i didn’t spoil him too much,” he said, his voice warm and teasing.

you smiled and stepped inside, walking over to where he sat. “how’s my little guy?”

“he’s been perfect,” pedri said, his eyes soft as he glanced down at mateo, who was still peacefully asleep. “i may have sung him a little lullaby… and gave him a tiny extra bottle… but other than that, we’ve just been bonding.”

ferran raised an eyebrow. “a tiny extra bottle?”

pedri shrugged innocently, though the mischievous glint in his eyes gave him away. “what can i say? i’m just making sure he’s well-fed. can’t have him going to bed hungry, right?”

you couldn’t help but laugh. “pedri, we’re not raising a baby-sized football player here. you’re supposed to teach him good habits, not how to get extra snacks out of people.”

“hey, i’m just preparing him for the real world,” pedri shot back with a grin. “the kid’s gotta know how to get what he wants. i’m just giving him a head start.”

you shook your head, but it was impossible not to smile at how much pedri seemed to enjoy this whole babysitting thing. “he’s going to be the most spoiled baby on the block if you keep this up.”

“that’s the goal,” pedri teased, standing up slowly as ferran carefully took mateo from his arms. “anyway, i think it’s safe to say i’ve earned a medal for this, don’t you think?”

ferran laughed as he cradled mateo against his chest. “we’ll get you a gold star next time, pedri. but maybe no more midnight feedings, alright?”

pedri gave a mock gasp. “what?! no more late-night bottle duty? i was just getting into the swing of things!” he joked, his hands dramatically pressed to his chest.

“i think he’s going to be fine without the extra milk,” you said with a soft laugh. “but thank you, pedri. you’ve been great with him.”

pedri smiled warmly. “it’s honestly been an honor. he’s such a good baby. he barely fusses. i’d babysit him again anytime.”

ferran smiled, his gaze soft as he looked down at mateo. “we really appreciate it. you didn’t have to do this, but it means a lot.”

“yeah, it’s like we’ve got our own personal superhero,” you added with a grin. “minus the cape.”

pedri chuckled, crossing his arms and looking down at mateo with a fond smile. “you know, i might be onto something here… i could start a side business. super babysitter pedri, at your service. i’m just saying, i’m really good at this.”

you couldn’t hold back your smile. “you’re too much, pedri.”

ferran shook his head, laughing softly. “yeah, you might be too good at this.”

pedri turned toward the door with a wink. “well, if you ever need a break, i’m your guy. just call me. i promise i won’t feed him too much.”

you both walked to the door as pedri left, giving you one last wave. “i’ll be on standby. you two enjoy the night, alright? don’t let him get too spoiled.”

“we’ll try,” ferran said, a grin tugging at his lips as he closed the door behind him.

as the two of you turned back toward the nursery, ferran gently rocked mateo in his arms. you stepped closer, resting your head against his shoulder as he looked down at your son, a soft smile on his face.

“he’s lucky to have so many people who love him,” you murmured, watching how tenderly ferran held mateo.

“we’re the lucky ones,” ferran whispered, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. “i can’t imagine my life without you two.”

you smiled, your heart swelling as you thought about your little family. “me neither.”

the three of you sat there together, in the calm and warmth of your home, knowing that no matter what the future brought, you would always have each other.

don’t forget to leave a request!

[writingduhh]

schlatt and/or ted comforting a reader with chronic migraines 🥹

Absolutely! I feel this sm

Migraine Comfort || Chuckle Sandwich (HCS)

❥ Jschlatt:

▷ The SECOND he notices you’re in pain, his demeanor completely changes. He’s immediately turns soft and caring, making sure you’re as comfortable as possible.

▷ He’s the type to make sure you feel taken care of without you having to ask for anything. He’ll help adjust your pillows, make sure you’re comfortable in bed, and even put a cozy blanket over you. If you need a cold compress or something soothing, he’s running to get it with no hesitation.

▷ He would be great at offering gentle head massages to help alleviate some of the tension. His hands are warm, and he’d be careful not to apply too much pressure, but just enough to offer relief. He’d give your temples a tender rub or massage your shoulders softly, being extra mindful of how much pressure you can tolerate.

▷ He’s knows you so well that he knows when you need space and when you need him to be closer. If you’re wanting to be left alone for a while, he gives you that space. But if you’re feeling lonely or restless, he’s right there. Holding your hand, massaging your feet, or just resting his hand on your leg as you nap.

▷ VERY patient. He could have the absolute worst day but the second he sees you’re in pain nothing else matters. His mind is immediately refocused on you. Even if it’s a rough day, he’s not trying to rush you through it. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere. We can do whatever you need—rest, chill, or just talk.” He’s completely patient, letting you take the time you need to heal without making you feel guilty about it.

▷ On bad days when the pain is at its worst. He is always there to reassure you that it’s okay to rest, and it’s okay to take time to heal. He’d softly say things like, “I’m here for the long haul, okay? You don’t have to do anything except rest. I’ve got you.” That sense of security would go a long way in helping you feel less alone in the struggle.

▷ If you’re feeling completely drained and can’t move, he’ll step up and take care of everything. Lights? Immediately turned off. Water? He’s already got you some. He’d make sure you don’t have to worry about a thing or move a muscle. “You don’t need to do anything. Just relax. I’ve got this.”

▷ While he’s naturally funny knows when to tone it down so you don’t feel overwhelmed. His humor when you’re in pain is softer, aimed at cheering you up without being too much. He might joke about how the migraine picked the wrong person to mess with, or say something silly like, “This migraine can’t outlast me. No one can outlast me” (ope who said that?)

▷ After the worst of the migraine has passed and you’re finally feeling bette would make sure you’re taken care of for the next few hours. He’d suggest a quiet walk or just cuddled up on the couch together.

▷ He’d pull you into a hug, holding you just a little longer than usual. He’d rest his cheek against your head and squeeze you gently, a silent promise that he’s there for you, always.

❥ Ted:

▷ The absolute sweetest

▷ The moment he notices the signs (maybe you rubbing your temples or wincing at the light) his entire demeanor softens. “Oh no, is it hitting again?” His voice would be gentle, immediately switching to Caretaker Mode.

▷ He’d usher you to the bedroom, making it as dark and quiet as possible. If you need a cold compress, he’s sprinting to the freezer, coming back with one and tucking it carefully under your head. “There we go. That should help, right?” He’d also make sure you have a glass of water, making sure you actually drink it instead of just holding it.

▷ While being respectful of how you feel, Ted can’t help but crack a little joke to cheer you up if he feels like you need it. His humor is always comforting. Not sarcastic or dismissive, but that goofy, sweet kind of humor that makes you smile even when you don’t feel great.

▷ He’d make sure you know that you’re not alone, that he’s there through every wave of pain. And when it starts easing up, he’d celebrate the tiniest improvement. “Hey, that’s progress! We’ll take it.”

▷ Ted is always willing to snuggle up and be a source of warmth. He’d wrap you in a blanket, gently hold you close, or spoon you-whatever would make you feel safest and most relaxed. He’s the type to just be there for you, even if you’re not in the mood to talk. Sometimes, his presence alone is all you need.

▷ If the pain lasts a while, he’d probably look up new remedies, scrolling through articles like, ‘How to help your partner with a migraine without annoying them.’ If it’s a particularly bad day, he might try cracking a quiet joke, something small, like whispering dramatically, “I would fight this migraine for you if I could.”

▷ He’s the type to never brush off your pain. He acknowledges that it sucks and that it’s hard. “I know it’s tough, but you’re doing amazing, just getting through it.” He doesn’t try to minimize your experience but instead validates your feelings, making you feel heard and understood.

▷ Once your migraine has passed and you’re slowly starting to feel better, Ted would gently suggest you both do something relaxing together. Whether it’s a slow walk, watching a feel-good movie, or just chatting about something light, he’d want to help you feel rejuvenated in a calm, low-energy way. He’d also make sure you’re hydrating well and

[sapphicmutt77]

CW: Ego/Identity Death! Continue with care!

Oh to be reset. Maybe even erased.

Imagine being taken by something beautiful, you're minding yourself, existing as you always have, and the next moment you're somewhere else. A basement, a garden, a quiet segment of forest, it doesn't matter. And she's there, she stands in front of you. Her eyes are as gentle as can be. You try to scream but she puts a finger to your lip.

"Shhh, it's okay pet, you're safe. I know how you've suffered." She plays with your hair, she leans in to kiss you on the cheek. You don't resist, you don't want to. "I'm here to make things much better~"

You feel something sharp penetrate the back of your neck. You feel it drain you, perhaps not physically, but you feel your grip on reality lessen moment by moment. Your memories are fading, at first a day, then a week, fragments disappearing moment by moment. Where did you go to school? I've forgotten. Who is your family? I don't have one.

"Don't worry pet, it'll all be over soon, you'll be able to start from zero, doesn't that sound lovely?"

It does sound lovely. So lovely. You choke back sobs for a moment, unable to tell if they are tears of joy or fear. You call out to the woman through tears.

"Yes Pet?" She says, her voice smooth as honey.

"Please... Hold me..."

Her arms wrap around you, squeezing you into a comfortable warm embrace. She pets your head, humming a gentle tune as your eyes flicker.

"Good night pet, it's time for you to rest."

Your eyes softly close.

When you awake, well, maybe not you, but you, she's there.

You don't know who she is. You don't know where you are. You don't know your name. It's scary. Everything is scary.

You curl up in a ball as you begin to sob, it's the only thing that makes sense. She comes over to you, and gently pets you. You look up to her with innocent eyes. She's so pretty.

She tells you your name, she tells you that she'll be your caretaker from now on. She tells you that she will love you to the fullest. She tells you that you'll never have to worry again. Even through the fog, you know she's telling the truth. Her earnest love sings through ever word. She offers you her hand. You reach for it with your shaky paw and hold it tight. She helps you up, your poor legs give out as you find them hard to use. She doesn't let you stumble for long as she lifts you into a princess carry. You nuzzle into the crook of her neck. She's so soft. After some minutes of walking and being carried, you hear a door creak open. A flurry of warmth floods over you.

"Welcome home pet~"

You feel your heart beat and your cheeks flush. A warm delight blossoms deep within you.

You smile.

You're home!

[penvisions]

gone to the dogs {chapter 7}

Pairing: Boston QZ! Joel Miller x F! Reader

Summary: Tensions run high as you can't seem to recover from your bout of sickness even though Tess is back on her feet and helping the newest member of your pack sort out some things. Neither of you had told Joel yet, bidding your time until some things are taken care of but you have a feeling it's more than just that if Tess's determined silence is anything to go by...

Word Count:

Warnings: canon typical violence, canon typical language, canon typical gore, outbreak fic, mean joel miller, degrading language, violence, heated interactions, adult language, fighting, references to injuries, blood, sexual content, rough sex, p in v, smut, unprotected p in v (it's the end of the world, y'all), sexual propositions, oral (f receiving), talk of pregnancy, angst, reference to off screen assault, medical jargon, mentions of nausea, mentions of past trauma, mentions of canon death, mentions of past childloss, i think that's it for this one!

Fic notes: we are officially 10 years into the apocalypse! joel is 46 at this point and cane is early 30's, but please imagine her to look anyway you want! these are just rough estimates and descriptions that are not set in stone as per the x reader tradition. simply a way for me to get the story fleshed out a bit c:

A/N: this fic really just got so big and it can't possibly be contained to the original ten chapters when i first started it. these two have really taken the reigns and i am all for letting them develop and flourish as they wish ♡♡

ao3 link || series masterlist || navigation || ko-fi

Joel scrubs a hard hand over his face, brushing away as much of the ash and dirt as he can as he lowers the bandana wrapped around his head as a mask. It’s not much, but it eases his mind enough for him to keep using it.

He’s been pulling more shifts, as many as they could give him. You and Tess both being sick was something that worried him, stressed him out. The dangers of the end of the world were rampant, too many to count and keep track of. A weakened immune system brought on by fever and sickness was something from Before that he had completely lost the notion of.

Seeing you beaten up and bruised from fights or shows of power, from hard days working whatever shitty physical labor the zone needed done or from crawling your way through the rubble of the fallen city around them in search of things to trade and sell- it was different. Different than seeing you wrapped up in all the thin blankets in the shared apartment, that he could get his hands on only to still see the shivers that rack your body and chitter your teeth together. It was different than seeing you barely manage to keep water down to take the pills he paid far too much for only for you to gag on the weight of it settling in your empty stomach.

The scraps of chicken and bone he managed to trade for had cost so many ration cards. But the medicine, the stock he was able to pull from the bone- all of it was worth it for you and Tess to start to get better.

Well, Tess was better. You were…you were…are still sick. No longer plagued by fevers, cold spells, and heat flashes. But your stomach was unsettled, and your appetite was borderline gone, the weight you dropped a little concerning and the color drained from your skin.

He’s been playing caretaker to whatever extent you’ll allow him when he’s in the privacy of your shared apartment. Even if it’s as simple as refilling your mug with hot water for a second cup of tea, of collecting the bowl you had used to try and eat something with before he got home. He’s willing to do it, to do more. But you won’t let him. Determined to hold onto your independence in a way that both makes him proud and feel a little useless.

So he works. To provide. To make it easier. To give you space. Doing the long standing trades, showing his face more on that side of things while you’re unable to do so. Tess now, too, is back at it and it seems like you’ve given her clear orders on who to trade with and who not to as the weather grows colder.

But right now all he can focus on is the sprawled out form of you on the bed. Sheets and blankets tossed and kicked to the end of the bed and nearly crumpled on the floor as you pant heavy breaths while trying to find a comfortable position to fall back asleep.

The baser instincts in him rise at the smell of sweat and the sounds your making, the slight groan of the mattress beneath your wiggling form. it’s not that he wants it for himself, well, not just that he wants it for himself. But your body is stressed, it’s fighting, mind and nervous system out of whack. He’s on you the second he steps over the threshold into the room, determined to give you some sort of relief. To give you something else other than seemingly endless days of sickness and being unwilling to leave the building.

“Joel, ‘m still sick.” You mumble halfheartedly, that tug in your navel letting you know that despite everything, your body still sings for him- because of him. And it’s intoxicating, the immediate reaction as you feel plush lips against your skin, feel the weight of his body so close.

“Don’t matter, want you.”

His kisses are like fire, trailing down from your chin where he nips hard to your neck and chest. Tank top pulled up as carefully as he could manage, ridding you of the thin fabric. His lips close around hardened peaks to pull out desperate sounds from you, so sensitive to the soothing swipe of his tongue after biting teeth. His nose skims across your skin, the sharpness of it driving you wild as his hands make quick work of removing the pants you had fallen asleep in.

His teeth nip gently at the swollen lips of your cunt through the fabric of your underwear before he breaths in deep. “Gonna get you outta your head for a bit.”

And like a switch, your mind and body only focus on him.

The drag of his nose over the same place, the tug of his fingers pulling the now damp fabric down. The hot, thick line of his cock against your legs as he pulls them up to bend into your chest. His tongue swipes flat over your folds, delving between them after, shockwaves of pleasure so intense after experiencing nothing but aches and pains for the last couple of weeks. It pulls a moan deep from your chest, the responsive chuckle earning him another as you feel the vibrations of it skitter across your skin.

He's pulling pleasure from you like he was made for it, his knowledge of your body all he committed to memory and you’re crying out within minutes. His fingers grip the backs of your thighs, spreading them to make room for his body to line of with yours and then he’s pushing in slowly. Through a crack of your eyelid, you see his focus on where the two of you connect, brown eyes dark and hair slicked back save for one stray curl folded over his temple. Teeth gritted and breath hissing as he fills you, slowly, taking in the sight for what it is, feeling it for what it is, living up to his promise to get you out of your head as he bottoms out and your mouth goes slack.

“Theeeere we go, huh, darlin’?” One of his hands snake up to grip your chin gently, pulling your thrown back head toward him. Thick fingers caress the too hot skin there and his eyes soften as your own fly open when he leans forward to press a kiss to the tip of your nose, the obscene sound of him pushing in deeper and your walls clenching around him. “Look at those pretty eyes, starin’ up at me with nothing behind them, that’s exactly what we wanted, wasn’t it?”

All you can do it try to nod, his hand so large cradling the side of your face, his lips so tantalizingly close but your body is frozen, the breath caught in your throat as you pulse around him, pleasure rippling through your body as he throbs deep inside you. He must see the way they tremble and he closes his mouth around yours, giving you exactly what you wanted without you needing to ask. When he pulls back, his teeth glint in the faint light seeping in through the window.

“Don’t gotta think about nothin’ else but how full you feel. Deserve to turn your thoughts off and just focus on gettin’ fucked.”

He’s pulling back a bit, his knees caging you in as they squeeze around your hips.

You can barely take a breath before he’s slamming back in and it’s pushed from your lungs.

Over and over again.

The day starts off normally, a plan in motion to tell Joel once he returns from one of his shifts. Tess spends the day helping to move most of Jean’s stuff out of the shitty apartment she had been given alongside two other single girls. Not enough room for her to even have her own space. But Tess was willing to give up her bedroom and move into the living room to provide some semblance of privacy and control for the young girl. You had taken her to the clinic, as well. Dropped her off and were due to pick her up any moment now, but you’re kneeled down in front of the toilet.

Your own sickness seems to linger while Tess is back in good health. Her color coming back while yours remains pallor, hot flashes and cold spells waring underneath your skin and making you nauseous. You were doing your best to hide the worst of the symptoms from Joel, not wanting him to feel like he needed to use the stock of goods and cards for more medicine that only worked at first. You’re just grateful that awful cough that rattled your brain and hurt your throat was gone, the phlegm that seemed to either clog up your sinuses or run far too freely gone as well. It had been a bad chest cold, same as Tess and you didn’t understand why you were better, but you weren’t…better.

You had given blood at the clinic, just to be cautious.

Because you were beginning to get worried. Between the new responsibility of caring for and protecting Jean, the rather startling reach out from Bill concerning new habits from Frankie he’s developed and the increasing scarcity of things to find in the city, you were feeling a slow simmering panic begin to form in the back of your mind and weigh down your mental and physical resolve.

The cold chill settling in the air wasn’t helping, telling you that it was about to get a while lot worse as the temperature dropped and winter weather became a daily struggle on top of it all. Snow and ice in Boston was normal this time of year, to begin falling from the sky and form on the ground.

Picking Jean up from the clinic was supposed to be a simple task. But you honestly don’t remember much of it. The ringing in your ears had started once the doctor had turned to you and read the results of your own testing. Effectively pulling the entire god damn earth’s crust from beneath your feet. You don’t remember the trek back to the apartment, nor the way that Jean was glancing at you out of the corner of her eye. Bottom lip between teeth as she contemplated commenting on same diagnosis that was read to you.

Shock. You were in shock. Mind reeling from the fact that now there wasn’t just one pregnancy to navigate, but two.

All you know is the startling cold of porcelain seeping through the towel you had placed over the top of the lid as you knelt in the bathroom once again. Stomach heaving and throat burning, heart beating far too fast as you struggled to regain your breath. Tears prickled at the corners of your eyes, a sharp contrast in how hot they were compared to the tile that surrounded you.

Just as you managed to stand up from your rather humbling position in front of the toilet again, you hear it.

The boom of Joel’s voice through the thin walls.

He was home early.

And Tess must’ve just told him what you two have been handling the past few days.

Keeping as silent on your feet as possible, not wanting to sound the creaks of your aged flooring, you inch into the living room and move into the kitchen. His voice is clear as a bell and angry.

“It’s just another fucking human being that’s going to be subjected to a shitty life and even shittier people. How do you think that kid is gonna feel when they learn about how they were conceived? You think she’s gonna be able to sit her kid down and explain to them the shit she had to endure? That she was raped and it was either go through with the birth or risk her life ending the pregnancy? You think that’s any kind of thing to put on child in this god forsaken world?”

“Joel, she’s scared. She said you told her to come to you for help. And Cane and I are an extension of that-“ Tess’s voice is raised, an attempt to wrangle in Joel’s own but its fruitless. You’ve only heard him sound like this when he deals with less than savory trade partners. You’ve only heard him when it was that first year of knowing him. When he didn’t trust you or share your bed. Before the shadow of a life you two slowly and carefully curated together.

“Just cause y’all are women doesn’t mean you know better about this than me. Don’t you try to pull that sexist bullshit with me, Tess. You know just as well as I do that bringing a new life into this world is a mistake. The risks of pregnancy before were deadly, with the help of machines and medicine. But now?”

He scoffs loud enough for you to hear it through the walls. You don’t flinch, though you know you would’ve once upon a time. There’s truth in his words, no matter how he’s weaponizing it to prove his point. To deny getting involved in the situation.

“Now she’s as good as dead if she goes through with it. And what if she does manage to give birth to a healthy baby and she’s the one stuck paying the price? Bleeds out or needs to be cut open, then there’s just another orphan the system is gonna abuse and use for their twisted sense of righteousness.”

“Joel-“

“She’s gonna be stuck with a kid, do you realize how much time and effort and work is gonna go into that and it’s all gonna fall on us. On me. And I am too fucking old for this shit.” You can hear silence that greets his harsh words, the raw and unfiltered emotions he feels on the matter. You knew Tess had a kid before all this and it must be hard for her to grapple with the reality of the situation. Especially as it brings up memories and her own past emotions. “There is no way in hell this is going to work out.”

“She came to us for help, Joel. You instilled in her that you would look after her, no matter what. And guess what? This is something big! She can live here with me, I can…I can help her through the rough patches, I know what it’s like to have a less than smooth time of it.”

“Tess…”

“I’m going to help her, Joel. From one mother to a prospective one. As a parent, I would think you feel at least a little connected to the issue at hand.” That gave you as much pause as it seemed to Joel. The silence that permeated the air was heavy, crackling tension palpable even through the walls.

“This is dangerous, this is stupid and reckless. Children aren’t a blessing, they’re a curse.” His even but thudding steps could be heard as he makes his way to the door. You’re still in shock a few moments later when it doesn’t slam shut, it doesn’t even open. He must’ve turned around and you can almost picture him looking over his shoulder. All broad and brooding, angry. “This is a mistake.”

With no other outlet for what you’re feeling, you shove your hands into the sleeves of your jacket and grab your keys from the nails they hang on beside the door. Glancing on the sleeping form of Jean on the couch, you’re relieved that she’s in a deep enough sleep to not hear the harsh words of the man who she had sought out for help.

You don’t even dare glance at the end of the hallway, not knowing what you would do if you glimpsed Joel at this moment.

And that scared you.

That you didn’t know if you would curl up into his chest, wrap your arms around his neck or waist and burrow your face into him. Inhale his scent and be comforted by the way he holds you back. Or if you would scold him for his choice of words, for the way he’s backtracking suddenly as the situation turns now to something he doesn’t have the patience and energy to deal with.

That you didn’t know if the words would immediately fall from your lips or stay lodged in your throat and suffocate you.

He had given Jean his attention, his protection, his word that he would look out for her. And he’s standing there determining the course of her future that would best benefit him. That would work in his favor, to not have to deal with something so monumentally important. The news isn’t the best, it isn’t born of a decision between two consenting adults who are determined to nurture and love. Hell, you aren’t even sure if Jean had ever admitted to wanting to be a mother beyond not feeling right with doing away with her condition. But it was something, it was someone.

Hope. It was hope you were feeling as you sped down the hallway and away from the harsh words that hang in the air.

Hope for a future that isn’t the same damn thing day in and day out. Fighting and hustling for supplies, for food, for water, for space in a crowded zone. That isn’t protecting your territory and your smuggled items, that isn’t holding fast to your going rates as people challenge them and clamor for them because even if you did want to provide things that were hard to find or considered contraband, you still needed to benefit from the effort and skills that go into supplying them.

The news Jean brought to you, born of devastation and immoral means, could be the universe’s push of urging you toward something else. Your own news born of a moment of passion under the influence with someone who you found rare solace and genuine companionship with. The naïve notion of taking it in stride and shifting everything for the better, for the hope of making something of the situation you’ve landed yourself in is a painful one. Cultivating and nurturing goodness back into the world where you could, back into your life that had become so violent and overwhelming in its eat or be eaten nature.

You’ve been violent for so long, have had to be violent for so long. The world demanding it of you if you wanted to survive, to breath, to live to see another tortured day. And all those days that it seemed like too monumental a task, too hard a thing to commit to once again. A flicker of your old, weaker self rising up and arguing that there was no point, that it was useless to survive a hard day and the only reward was another string of them. But now you know why it was imperative that you stuck with it, defending yourself, protected yourself, used teeth and nails and haunting violence to make sure you saw the sun rise each morning and set each night over a world that was decimated beyond help.

And that reason was a phantom weight low in your belly. The new reason you would fight even harder from this point on until the moment you drew your last breath. Your child would know better than you were thrust into, would know better than this broken world and mockery of what was once city life.

You would bite and claw and fight, shoot or slash anything that threatened the life you were determined to give to your child, to give back to her. That younger version of yourself lost piece by piece as things quickly fell, as people gave into temptation and damnation the second civilization crumbled.

You don’t realize the heavy words in your mind are coming out as snarled sounds every time your boots hit the ground with your fast pace. The man Jean had described was walking home, you on his tail and none the wiser about what fate was about to deliver. What you were about to deliver.

Crazy bitch. Depraved dog. Ruthless.

His insults don’t mean anything, as you stalk him through the streets and down the hallway that leads to his apartment. His pained groans and stuttered breaths mean nothing to you as you land hit after hit, they don’t give insight to anything but satisfaction that curls your lips up at the corners.

His words, Joel’s words, ring in your ears as you feel the impact of your knuckles on the man’s face. Each punch, each hit landing as the echo inside your head gets louder and louder. Those are the only ones that mean anything, the only thing that fuels your violence. The man crumpled beneath your knees deserving of every last bit even more so and you’re convinced he would feel the exact same way. He would see his own actions as righteous, taking what was his, what was deserved- the consequences not on his mind nor something he would feel like needs his attention. An afterthought, the result of an assault he forced on someone.

All of it, everything in the entire world was just- mistake, mistake, mistake. After goddamn mistake.

But this? Delivering retribution on the man who is weaker than you ever were, it feels right. It feels like something you’re meant to do. Despite the depravity and brutality of the sentence you’ve given him, it’s a step in the right direction. It’s a step toward a better future.  

Please. Stop. I’ll do anything you want. Take anything you want. Please- no…no!

And then he’s no longer breathing the air he doesn’t deserve.

With bruised hands, swollen knuckles and aching fingers you gather everything in his apartment into his own duffle bags hidden beneath the bed.

You leave the apartment, ignoring the cracked doorways as people peek through them to see what the scuffle was about, who had been target this time- the only thing left inside besides dirty linens and dishes is his body with a note stabbed into his chest with his pocket knife.

Don’t mess with my people.

Signed off with a stamp of ink in the shape of a paw.

And though it’s far too early to feel the weight in your belly, something settles there and you feel it the entire walk back to the apartment building, even as you stand at the sink and wash the blood from your hands. The stain of it lingers even with the aid of soap and cold water.

His figure used to be refreshing, a comforting thing to see at the end of every tumultuous day. But now, your eyes track him, take him in as if he posed a threat. As if he had done anything other than simply walk into the room, his muscles rippling with the action of removing his jacket. His scruff a dark shadow in the low light that glitters when the gray there catches the light. He’s so broad, the entire doorway filled by the width of his shoulders, the breadth of his chest. The same body you found comfort in when it curled around you or pressed down upon you. But now, it’s as if a stranger has strutted into your home for all that had happened recently.

Large, calloused hands reach for his belt, remove with a simple pull through the fabric holding it in place and you feel nausea rise at the spike of desire that pools between your legs. Feelings and urges war with each other in your mind and heart, body reacting to his as he approaches. Your head tilting into the cradle of his palm even as your mind screams at you that he doesn’t care. This is the same man who had declared loudly and determinedly that he wanted no part in the situation at hand. The one that involved a child. He hadn’t known his words were not only for another woman but for you too.

“You okay, darlin’? You look a little waxy there. The meds workin’ alright or do I need to go and get some more from the infirmary?”

“Fine, Joel.”

“Hey,” His eyes search yours as he tips your chin up, locking onto them and trying to find out what you’re not voicing. But he can’t seem to, because his brow furrows and the corners of his lips pull down. “You sure?”

“Had to take someone out, is all. Muscles weren’t used to being used like that.” The admittance doesn’t lift any of the weight in your chest, but the words are out. No longer caged between your ribs with the other secrets you now carry.

“Tell me you didn’t.” He takes a step back, and he’s not upset…but he’s- something. How were you supposed to know it was fear, when you swallowed yours down so long ago?

“I’ll tell you I did, because it needed to be done. He didn’t deserve to breath anymore. He forced her, Joel. He manipulated her long before that and then when she was finally free from him, he goes and-“

“You shoulda let me handle it.”

“Why? Because I’m too weak?” The snarl in your words has him removing his hand from you, giving you space. He lets out a heavy breath as he realizes the way you had taken his worry, his fear.

The room is crackling, the energy flowing from you having built up for days, weeks now. It hadn’t bothered you at first, it hadn’t bothered you at all. Until someone had made a comment that you had been made to heel, fucked into your rightful place. Just as you had been leaving the clinic earlier that day. You had been preoccupied, yes that’s true, but that didn’t mean you had taken a step to the side and allowed for authority to shift. You had simply begun to focus more on finding things that would not only benefit the anticipated needs of the zone’s occupants, but of Bill and Frank as well. Then you had gotten sick, all of that paired with the reality you were facing alongside Jean and no one could blame you for the whirlwind that had replaced your heart.

“You’re just tired, is all. Not weak, I could’ve been there for backup.” He tries to keep calm, but you can see the way the muscle in his jaw twitches. He looks from the collection of items on the dining table, to where you had made up a nest of sorts on the couch as you had tried to get some time out of the bed you really should be swathed in to recover. “Let’s get you another dose of meds and maybe a shower.”

And you know he isn’t trying to belittle your emotions or step around them. He’s seeing them for what they are, as least as best he can. He knows you’re overwhelmed, that small things grow into big things over time, and this is one of those moments where you realize that they have and it’s completely out of your control.

“‘M fine.” You can’t help the snap of your teeth as you clench your teeth, head pounding and stomach turning. You hadn’t left for days but you had heard the rumors going around as you and Tess all but disappeared from the scene when you both fell sick. Determined to get out and reclaim some semblance of control, you reach for your coat. The clack of plastic makes you freeze, worried that the object got shoved from the depths of the inside pocket it’s hidden in.

Joel takes the moment to come up behind you, his arms wrapping around your middle. Grounding himself and attempting to ground you too, knowing there was no stopping you if you wanted to get some space. You know he wouldn’t take that from you, try to control that part of you. He needed space sometimes too, even on the good days. But this wasn’t one of them, this was a bad day. A monumentally bad one. And it’s made even heartbreakingly worse by the confession he breathes into the back of your neck, his forehead pressed to back of your head as he inhales your scent. Don’t go. Love you. Need you safe while you’re sick.

You freeze, processing.

Love you. Love you. Love you.

It echoes in your mind, his voice caressing and soothing despite everything. It calms you enough to take a deep breath, to try and center yourself for the barest of moments.

And it sounds so good, his voice quietly voicing the warmth and affection that had developed, that had been carefully cultivated between you two over the years. But as good as they sound, they don’t bring you the comfort you know he hopes that they will. Because he’s already undermined the sentiment, he’s already crumbled the very foundation of what you two stand on. It breaks your heart a little to not return the words, even as you feel them harden and catch in the middle of your throat.

“You gotta know that, by now.” He fills the silence as your body tenses in his hold.

But the timing of it, the words he had spoken so devoutly just the previous day are like shrapnel stuck in your skin, burning and stinging. No amount of picking at them will take away the damage they’ve done, clear the burns and the irritation, the pain.

“Didn’t know you were the type of man who cast aside a pregnant woman who came to you for help. A woman who you’ve done nothing but try and watch out for until this point.” Your voice is a whisper, anger bubbling up, heartbreak spilling your chest open, body almost numb from the way everything was so poetically fucked.

“You’re right, I’ve done nothing but try and watch out for her. And guess what? She still got hurt, she still got assaulted, she’s still in this goddamn situation that has no good outcomes!” He’s pulling away, you turn to face him. The darkness that had fallen as night settled is not longer comforting against the onslaught of photophobia you had been experiencing all day. Now it feels suppressive, it feels like you’re in a cage that you can’t escape from. The words Joel had said and is now saying are like locks, connecting together in a twisted way to make you feel the weight of how they can’t possibly be coming from the same person.

“Is it really that bad of a situation?”

“Is it- for fuck’s sake, Cane.” He scrubs a wide palm over his face, the scruff of his neck bristling at the action and causing goosebumps to sprout all along your arms. “I think I get a decent read on you and then you go and ask somethin’ like that. Do you not see how this will affect us? Affect everything we try to do to survive?”

His voice has shifted from anger to something that rings warning bells in your head, it’s not desperation and its not beseeching. But there’s something in the deep timbre that alights your nerves and makes you feel as if everything between you will be determined in the next choice of words. Despite how you feel, despite the way things have been going, the groove you’ve found with him and Tess. Despite the smuggling getting harder but still holding a majority of the supplies and power, and how Joel returns to you every night. Despite it all, the phantom weight you feel low in your middle compels the words that leave your lips next.

“I’m not even sure if I know what love truly is but if it’s not what I feel for you then I have no clue. It’s never simple and perhaps it just speaks to how I’m meant to be alone.”

“What’s more simple than telling me how you feel?” His eyes are narrowed, though you see the way his irises are blown out. You wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s panicking, but he’s not…he’s hadn’t expected anything other than reciprocation. And it breaks your heart, the chasm in your chest deepening as you realize you can’t gift them to him as easily as you would’ve been able to just twenty-four hours prior.

“Because I heard you, Joel!” Your words leave you in a shout, an angry frustrated cry that bursts from your chest. Unable to quell the spike of emotions, this wasn’t just about Jean anymore. “I heard you talking about how that girl you’ve taken under your wing suddenly means nothing to you the second you can’t handle the situation. The things you said, the fucking vitriol in your voice when you talked about an innocent, a baby.”

“That’s what changed your mind? Affected everything I’ve done in the past four years, we’ve done in the past four years.”

“Yes! Because you- it- because it was so hateful. Like, I get it, Joel, really. You’re a big scary man, you’ve got the brooding scowl down and the razor sharp glare, but she needs our help with this. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but I’m not about to tell her what to do with her own body. You cannot be so daft to not think that that’s not going to alter the way I think about you at least a little.”

He doesn’t seem to know how to respond, his full lips pull down into a deep frown and his brow furrows, but he doesn’t say anything else. His eyes hard, sharp on you as he watches the way you shrug your jacket on and stand in front of the door. With a hand on the knob, you look back over your shoulder with a set expression, not willing for him to see any glimpse of what’s going on in your head.

“I’m going to take Jean to Lincoln. It’ll be safer for her there, better place to raise her mistake.”

The instinct to run, to protect, to build for not one but two mistakes settles deep in your bones as you realize the notion was a solitary one. Joel’s own instincts clashing with yours. Preservation and protection flare up and make you defensive, make you willing to walk away from the life you created with someone you love, to deny them the last true thing that makes life worth living- of loving and being loved in return, they allow you push through the heartache of leaving it all behind.

“I’ll be staying there to help her through everything.”

You don’t hear the whispered plea to not leave that falls from his lips, eclipsed by the sound of the slamming door. Or you do, and it push it from your memory for all the pain it brings to recall it.  

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[bitchfitch]

After years and years of having a schedule that was more a halfhearted shrug than a neat itinerary, there was a certain peace to finally having a dinner time routine.

Rice in the cooker, wild game cuts in the oven with whatever vegetables hadn't gone off since his last trip into town. The timer set for ten minutes longer than the meal ever actually needed. His stomach couldn't handle meat still pink with a memory of life anymore.

While it cooked he'd place a tarp before the back door. The blue plastic wrinkled along the lines by which he always found it folded.

Then he'd step out into the cool evening to where his freshest trophy would be hanging just beyond the edge of the creaky porch. It a was a deer today, it's back hooves tied to the rafter so it's blood could drain from the dainty gash across it's throat. This wasn't a necessity, it just lessened the mess he would eventually have to deal with.

He untied it, and carried it to rest it in the center of the tarp before pulling the corners up to encase it in crinkly darkness. The bright green climbing rope being used to bind the package closed while he made a note to himself to dig out the hank of rope again so he could cut a new, less gnawed on, piece for tomorrow's meal time.

He could hear the thing coming up the staircase from the basement. Stairs were difficult for it, always had to crawl up them on its hands and knees. Stopping every few steps to gather itself against vertigo.

"What's cooking?" it called in a chipper voice, its bruise darkened fingers scrabling at the lower edge of the door. Its cracked nails adding to the deep gouges in the old wood. "What's cooking?" it repeated like a scratched record. Its clawing growing more frenzied as it got more and more excited at the prospect of meal time.

"Deer." he responded, dragging the bundle to the locked door.

"Einer!" it said, its voice being stolen from a long gone day at the lake, "Home," it whined with defeat borrowed from a day it never saw, then a garbled growl as it's limited repertoire of echos ran up against a concept it didn't have the words to express.

"You know that's not how it works," Einer sighs with some glimmer of fondness. "Who am I?"

"Einer!" a perfect echo of what it had said before.

"Where are we?"

"Home."

"Who are you?"

The growl came on its cue, exactly as it had every miserable day since Einer managed to trap it and establish this little test of whether or not it might be able to be reasoned with today.

"Good, good. To your spot please."

It scrambled back down the stairs, heavy thunks sounding as its excited crawling turned into more of a controlled series of falls.

Then a loud metallic racket bounded forth from the vent slats in the floor as it slapped at the ancient pipe that connected the furnace to the rest of the cabin's mostly defunct air ducts. Their way of signaling when it was well and clear away from the stairs where it might damn them both by attacking its caretaker.

He undid the bolts on the door quickly yanking it open before kicking the plastic wrapped deer down the stairs and slamming the door shut again. The unspoken race between them commencing as he rushed to get the bolts and locks latched once more before it could get up the stairs in an opportunity fueled bout of blood frenzy.

Einer won today. He's won every day so far.

Its fingers appear under the edge of the door again, its breath ragged and sounding wet with too much spit as it uselessly dug into the steel toe of his boot.

"You know where your dinner is," he took a step and waited to see if he'd be granted one moment of clarity as it came down from it's frenzy.

It churred, a soft animal sound he didn't think something so human looking should be able to make. Its fingers stilled, then disappeared back into the darkness beyond the door before returning. Its hand palm side up this time.

He was quick to crouch, carefully curling his fingers against it's. Its skin porcelain, smooth and cold against the callouses he had earned in his time caring for it.

"Einer," it said, this echo being taken from a gentle memory of two lovers in their wedding bed, before its touch disappeared and it began its clumzy trek back down the stairs.

He always stayed knelt there a little too long, wondering if it knew he lingered there. If it cared. Before standing and checking to see if his meal was over done to his liking.

[ganondoodle]

can you tell us more ab shargon’s kids?? :0

(sorry for the ... very rough sketch and probably unreadable text, struggeling alot with art atm ... still ..)

Thank you for asking!

Shargon has two young children, Jyothi and Tyura (forgive the weird names, made them when i was young and they are too ingrained now to change ..)

(Shargon is a single parent; demons do not have a gender/only one, all of them have the ability to bear children with an organ that sits right beneath the demonic heart, they also do not need a partner, they can just decide to have a child and trigger the process- while carrying they cannot shapeshift since an unborn demon cannot go along with that- genetics are usually not a problem since demons generally draw from a huge gene pool dating back eons; if they have a partner they will have to exchange some heartblood for the child to be a mix of both; growing a child is very energy draining and when carrying its not unusual for a demon to resort to consuming food, which they typically dont need to do; maintaining a certain energy level is very important since otherwise the risk of deformities in the child increases alot; a newborn demon (birth occurs through the mouth) has a few baby teeth with which to bite its parent/caretaker and feed on their demonic blood, it is not a requirement but many do since it accelerates their growth and can even out energy imbalances)

Jyothi, comparable to a 13 year old human, is a rather healthy young demon with alot of skill using elemental magic (wind in her case), which is why shes being taught by Lord Eadrya; Eadrya wants Shargon dead and regularly attacks him and although both of his children inherited his unnatural and hated/feared eye color, Jyothi stood up to Eadrya not knowing who they were at the time (and thus not their status and reputation) since Shargon lives extremely isolated- and even challenged them to a fight showing so much character and skill that Eadrya saw past her heritage and offered to teach her

The two get along well and she often sneaks away to find them bc she is so eager to learn and spend time with such a powerful and careless demon that everyone respects ... unlike her parent, who is weak, riddled with anxiety and hated by everyone, she still loves him of course, but the more time she spends away the more she adopts the way the other demons think and speak of Shargon

Shargon hates that she goes to them so much, mostly bc he is afraid they, and especially Eadrya, will hurt her or stop her from returning home, even with her special status bc of her talents, she still is his child after all; he does not and could not force her to not go though (a benefit is that she has been the only one besides Thor (Eadryas best friend) able to stop Eadrya from literally killing Shargon, as much as they are horrible to him, they do care alot for her)

(Jyothi has only started to grow her horns and her markings and colors will shift alot as she grows, as is typical for young demons)

Tyura, comparable to a 6 year old human, is much more like Shargon himself, very fearful and skitters away if theres anything they are unsure of, they are of the same elemental type as Shargon (lightning) but thus far has never used it beyond weak defensive shocks; they are also mute and have a deformed left hand likely bc Shargon was attacked and hunted for a long time while carrying them, thus not able to provide a stable energy level the other demons know of them but any attempt to get close to them has been prevented either by Shargon himself or .. Tyura fleeing and hiding (their body structure is also rather similar, the round shape is largely just fluffy feathers)

when Shargon is in the human world his children tend to stay with the only other demon he can trust (Ceryrion, an earth elemental and the chillest guy you can imagine), they dont like him much but love children and will happily go about their day while a little Tyura clings onto their back (though Tyura will absolutely dive back to Shargon whenever they notice his presence) both kids have been to the human world before but since it is very uncomfortable to be in as a demon he has only done so for them to meet Mori (Shargons human friend that lives .. illegally .. at the gates to the demon world) and avoided bringing them there otherwise

the time he is away has notably increased alot after accepting the deal with Zaphira (being her bodyguard .... 24 hours a day .. granted she did not know he had children, and also didnt know anything about demons but that she could use him to solve her problems)

here i go rambling again, i hope that gave you a bit of an idea of them ;O;

[lilacxquartz]

Don’t Make Me Feel Alive | Chapter 1

kenjaku x f!reader

plot: diagnosed at an early age with an illness that slowly deteriorated your body; you went from being a promising sorcerer to a retired husk of your once former self until he found you, offering you an opportunity to live instead—not that you had a choice to refuse.

chapter summary: you used to be so powerful before your illness claimed you and right on your deathbed, rather than finally meeting your end, you met your salvation instead. or did you?

themes: yandere, chronically ill reader, forced dynamic, non-con, dub-con, violence, caretaking, unrequited feelings, sorcerer reader, dead-dove, mixed pov, potential interpretations of dubious sorcery, spoilers

AO3 Link • Chapter Directory • Next Chapter >

1. Beginning

You were born with a disease; a terrible one too.

At first, you didn’t really notice it in your youth as the progression was initially subtle, the signs not really quite there just yet and for that duration, you were bustling with potential, a promising sorcerer with a powerful technique—a future so bright and aglow with promise.

However, all good things must come to an end and that’s exactly where you were headed.

Even if you were once sculpted with such strength and vibrancy—the illness drained away all the colour from your once saturated existence, replacing your present day life with a film of bleak monochrome, anchoring away at your body, soul and mind.

Not even your cursed technique known for its electrifying power was capable of reigniting the spark lost within you; your body relented against you, forcing you to succumb and deteriorate with not a single thing you could do.

It was a little humiliating in a way—like a bitter pill that you weren’t quite ready to swallow and yet here you were, forced to face reality whether you wanted to or not.

It felt strange being on your deathbed in your mid twenties, but it wasn’t all too bad.

The doctor who oversaw you did her best to offer comfort, assuring you that it likely wasn’t your time just yet, but she didn’t feel what you did, she didn’t understand your body the same way that you did. It was close, almost time for you to go, but strangely you didn’t quite mind. Whether it was your final week or your final day, you felt excited; you wanted to rest.

This was a sickness that made you feel weak after all, so tired and terribly sore.

So when you felt that strangely alluring pull invite you to a place you probably shouldn’t quite tempt going to just yet, you found yourself unable to resist the promise of a good sleep. Maybe even, with some luck, it could last forever and you would never have to live out your days in pain again.

To finally be devoid of suffering.

To drift off into oblivion, lost in an eternal void.

And yet, as you succumbed to the total darkness that otherwise awaited you, there was a strange sensation that manifested in the waking world—an interference of some kind? It felt as though unseen hands reached out to grab you, interrupting you from going under a final time and pulling you back to the surface, forcing you to live another day.

Your eyes reluctantly opened, feeling that something was off.

You were being monitored—watched by something, someone.

Your eyes focused on the person who stood before you, meeting with his chilling gaze from a stare so vacant and devoid of humanity, that he could have been the devil himself.

The stranger greeted you with cold indifference, bordering contempt as he continued to guide his gaze, the palms that he had initially planted firm against your chest now slowly moving away, having successfully done something that you couldn’t quite understand; your body still felt sore and yet, the pull of the void wasn’t so strong anymore.

Did he just give you life?

“It would be such a waste of a good technique if you were to die right now, you know,” the stranger spoke, his voice calm and deliberate, laced with a threat that he kept hidden well.

“What good is it if I can’t use it?” you croaked in response.

His lips curled into an amused smile as he heard your question, those soulless eyes finally ablaze with life, a flicker of something almost human.

“You can. Or, at least, I can make it so that you will be able to again.”

“Impossible,” you denied, knowing fully well that your body didn’t work the way you wanted it to, no matter how many times you have tried before.

“Don’t be so sure,” he persisted, his voice ringing almost melodic as he continued to fill your mind with ideas you couldn’t quite believe, “don’t you want to live your life again?”

You sighed into a nod, however not trusting the stranger just yet. There was something incredibly off-putting about him, seeming just a little too calculated and methodic, as if danger lurked behind his promising words.

“I mean, I want to, but…” you began.

“Sleep on it,” he told you, seeming to tease you as his widening grin revealed his teeth, “you were about to anyway, weren’t you?”

“Y-yeah, but-”

“Then do so,” he said, taking a step forward, “dream.”

The strange man’s words felt strangely hypnotic as you found yourself exhausted once again. A part of you wondered if this was some sort of hallucination already, perhaps one of those dreams that people could have as their bodies closed up shop, even if you did clock it as unfortunately real.

You closed your eyes as you let the pull of the void take you under once more, feeling the strangely familiar touch of unseen hands tugging away at your body once again, pulling your soul back up to the surface, preventing you from fading away. It was again that you felt haunted by a looming danger, your eyes blurring to focus awake.

When you finally properly awoke, you took immediate note that you weren’t in the hospital anymore despite being hooked up to similar machinery.

Where exactly were you?

As you sat up to make sense of your surroundings, your eyes scrolled around the room in a surge of desperation—your gaze begging for a clue, only for your stomach to drop as your body froze. Right by the door, he stood there, that same man from before with his creepy, unsettling smile.

“I will be honest with you though, you might not like what you’ll have to do,” the strange man spoke, his words flowing as smoothly as they did before.

“Which is…?” you asked, sounding a little resigned. Of course there was a catch, there always was.

“You’re going to be helping me with something.”

You blinked, “And that’s bad?”

“Given your prior alignment, I’d say so,” he smiled as he took a step closer, his fingertips brushing against your cheek, “but worry not, you will live should you accept.”

“But what if I refuse?” you dared to ask, your voice barely a whisper as his touch seemed to dampen your ability to speak.

“Don’t be silly,” he replied with a softer tone, his black eyes boring into yours as he intensified his unrelenting gaze—his smile falling flat, “I wouldn’t let you.”

(Not even if you tried to do so again and again.)

[darl-ingfics]

Feveruary Day 17: "I know you want to help but you’re only making things worse.” 

Fandom: ATEEZ, EXO

Sickie: Yunho (migraine), Hongjoong (stress)

Caregiver(s): Suho

Word Count: 1563

Notes: Anon who requested this said 'unexpected caretaker,' so... why don't we mix some fandoms?

Yunho was not Hongjoong’s problem child. The dancer was always so positive. Even when he was tired or in a bad mood, Yunho had an innate talent for swallowing his own problems and putting on a smile for those around him. He was ATEEZ’s mood maker, the one fueling their joy. 

Which made it all the harder when Yunho was the one causing problems backstage at a music show. 

Hongjoong had noticed that Yunho looked pale when they’d left the dorms. He’d noticed an unusual quietness about the dancer. But he hadn’t pursued it, assuming that Yunho had slept poorly, and would be fine once he fully woke up. Hongjoong himself had pressed an energy drink into Yunho’s hand, a new brand they’d had yet to try, and Yunho had accepted it was a half-second grateful smile. 

But the normally cheerful Yunho’s mood hadn’t changed post-caffeine. In fact, it seemed to grow worse. He stumbled three times during their dance practice, growing more frustrated each time. He also seemed more irritated by the members mistakes; usually, he corrected them kindly, but today, he snapped critiques. Something was off, but Hongjoong wasn’t able to address it given the tightness of their schedule. 

Things came to a head once ATEEZ were in their dressing room for the stage that night, post-hair and makeup. Music was blaring from all direction (the stage was relatively close, and other groups were hyping themselves up in dressing rooms on either side of them). The lights in the room were harsh and bright. The room itself was small, the members voices echoing shrilly. Yunho had been usually quiet, keeping to himself when he’d usually be causing mischief. 

That ended a minute after Yunho had shrugged on his stage outfit: tight blank pants and a fitted jacket. Not a minute after the heavy material was on his body, Hongjoong watched the dancer’s face drain of color, then turn a sickly green, all before Yunho lurched towards the trash can and unceremoniously threw up. 

The room went silent, only the sound of Yunho gagging echoing now. 

Seonghwa and Mingi were at his side instantaneously. 

“You’re okay,” Seonghwa soothed as Yunho’s retching turned to sobs. The eldest guided the dancer to the floor while Mingi pulled the trash can from his hands. “You’re okay, baby…” Seonghwa maneuvered them both so Yunho could lay against his shoulder.

“Nooooo,” the dancer whined, pulling back from Seonghwa, who looked up meaningfully at Hongjoong. 

“No what, love?” Mingi asked, carding a hand through Yunho’s hair. That action caused Yunho to cry out in distress, pulling back from both Mingi and Seonghwa, collapsing in on himself. 

“Don’t touch me!” he wailed, eyes squeezing tightly shut against his legs. “It hurts!”

“What hurts?!”

“EVERYTHING!” 

It was all too much. 

Hongjoong violently vaulted out of his chair and burst through the door into the hallway. He had no idea where he was going, who was watching him. He didn’t care. His legs carried him as far as they were able, and when he couldn’t move anymore, he sunk onto the floor, back against the wall, and sat with his knees pulled to his chest, face smushed against his knees. 

Today was the most fucked clusterfuck he’d encountered yet, and Hongjoong felt incredibly out of his depth. 

“Hey.” 

Hongjoong raised his head, slapping a hand over his mouth after squeaking in surprise. Kneeling in front of him were Suho and Chanyeol of EXO. “Oh my god!” He hid his face in his hands. 

“Hey, hey, none of that.” Suho shook his head as he reached for Hongjoong’s hands, gently pulling them away from his face. “Right now, we’re not EXO. You’re not Ateez. I am Junmyeon, and he is Chanyeol, and you are Hongjoong, and we are having a conversation as normal people, yeah?” Hongjoong swallowed, centering himself, before nodding. “Good. What’s wrong?”

Hongjoong took a deep breath. “One of my members is… I don’t know, something’s wrong.”

“Tell me about it.”

Hongjoong blew out another breath, puffing out his cheeks. “Yunho, my usually sunny, kind puppy member, is nauseous and dizzy and confused and in so much pain all of the sudden and… and I don’t know how to help him. And he refuses to sit out. But everything my members keep doing… it’s making it worse.” 

“That’s a lot to handle by yourself,” Chanyeol commented, reaching a hand forward to grasp Hongjoong’s knee affectionately. 

“And I can’t… I don’t know what to do about it. I…” His voice broke. “My member literally threw up and I ran out of the room. I abandoned him when I needed him most.”

“Hongjoong-ah…” Chanyeol’s voice was soft, softer than Hongjoong felt he deserved. 

“Hey.” Cool hands on his cheeks snapped Hongjoong’s attention to the dark eyes searching meaningfully for his own. Junmyeon’s lips were pressed into a tight line, but the look on his face was pure love. “Sometimes, there are situations you, as the leader, cannot control. If management says you have to perform, you have to. If management says, ‘do what you want,’ and your members say ‘I want to perform’ even when they’re sick as a dog, you can’t make them sit out. They’re adults. They get to make those calls, even if they make the choice that stresses you out, because you feel the pressure as leader to do right by them. But you’re just one person, and you aren’t responsible for them all the time. AND, it’s completely normal for situations to arise that you haven’t dealt with before, and it’s okay to say you don’t know what to do and ask for help, yeah?” 

Hongjoong paused, allowing the older man’s words to sink in, before he nodded.

“You’re doing an amazing job, you now.” Junmyeon’s gentle smile made Hongjoong feel proud of himself in a way he hadn’t felt in a while. “It’s not easy to lead a group. Especially when you’re all so close in age. If I could’t pull the age card on some of these dumbasses, I don’t know what I’d do…”

“Hey!” Chanyeol exclaimed, pouting excessively. Junmyeon placed a placating hand on his shoulder with a ‘you know it’s true’ look. Chanyeol shrugged, knowing the leader was right. 

“Point is, there’s nothing wrong with being out of your depth because you’re learning along with them,” Junmyeon finished, hands moving to tap Hongjoong’s knees lightly. “Now, if I had to guess from the few things you’ve said, it sounds like your member is suffering from a migraine. And I take it he hasn’t had one before, yeah?” Hongjoong shook his head. “Has anyone in your group had one before?”

“Not that I know of,” Hongjoong answered.

“Okay then.” Junmyeon sprung to his feet, holding out his hands for Hongjoong to take, leaving Chanyeol to scramble up on his own. “We’ll come give you some assistance, then. We’ve dealt with plenty a migraine in our time.”

Hongjoong silently led Junmyeon and Chanyeol to ATEEZ’s dressing room. He had little memory of it, unable to reconcile the fact that THE EXO had asked to help him. How was this real? 

The dressing room went silent on sight of Junmyeon and Chanyeol. That didn’t seem to phrase the EXO members at all.

“Who’s got the headache?” Junmyeon asked, scanning each member carefully. San and Wooyoung pointed at Yunho, who raised his hand very slightly. The greenish tint to his skin would have given him away as it was, but still, Hongjoong appreciated the self-awareness. “What’ve you tried to make him feel better?” The group began to list off their many attempts at healing their ailing dancer. The more they talked, the more Junmyeon shook his head. He took a deep breath, hands finding his hips. He paused their talking with a simple raise of his hand. “Listen. I know you want to help but you’re only making things worse. It’s not your fault. Your leader told me you haven’t dealt with a major migraine before, and honestly, good for you. But now you get to learn. Here’s what we need you all to do.”

Hongjoong took a step back, blending into the background as Junmyeon counseled his members on how best to care for Yunho in this moment. The captain himself was barely listening, rather marveling at the ease with which Junmyeon assumed control. His directives were gentle and kind, but firmly; he wasn’t condescending at all, simply advising his industry juniors how to better support one another. It was… inspiring. 

Hongjoong started when he felt a hand clap against his shoulder. He startled back into reality, meeting Chanyeol’s gaze. “It’s a sign of a great leader to ask for help, you know.” Hongjoong felt his face heat up. He fought the impulse to look away. “The amount of times Myeon-shi called Jinki-hyung or Leeteuk-hyung in the middle of the night… and the percentage of those calls where our hyungs couldn’t give a clear answer cause they didn’t know what to do either… It’s wild that these companies think any one of us could have the capacity to be in charge all the time is unrealistic.” Chanyeol smiled brightly, encouragingly. “You’re doing an amazing job, Joong-ah. This team’s so lucky to have you.”

Hongjoong couldn’t stop the tears flooding his eyes. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

[pepplemint]

Like okay imagine you are a human child growing up with a vampire mother. You don't know any other humans like you - not because humans don't exist, but because they're all locked up. And although your mother is keeping you hidden, the majority of society is just vampires. Then one day you find out the truth - the vampires are in fact eating (from) the humans, and they would probably eat you too, given the chance. This is a horror movie scenario -

But! The vampires technically don't have a choice in this - human blood is the only thing they can eat. There's not enough humans that would willingly give up blood, so they have to "farm" them just so that they can survive. Some of them even try their best to care for the humans - like your mom, and some humans like their vampire caretakers. They've never even lived without a vampire to care for them, so they might not even know how to! Sure, there's also the bad apples, those who only see humans as food and nothing more, but isn't there always?

Nonetheless - both good and bad are draining humans of their lifeforce and taking away their freedom, that is a fact. The kid decides that because of the circumstances making them the only one capable of it, they need to save the other humans and get far away from the vampires. ...Also they have a magical vampire killing m20 bazooka 👍 So up against individual vampires they are way overpowered, really. They kill vampires like slicing through butter.

The issue here is too complex to say that anyone is wrong. Both sides are doing what they're doing not out of pleasure, but to be able to survive and feel safe. There is no possible middle ground. Vampires live, at the cost of humanity being enslaved and milked for blood. Or humans get to live (safely), but the vampires starve.

And we could apply it to the world in an even larger metaphor or take it at face value, doesn't really matter. Humans and vampires might look alike, might be just as smart and good with words and have similar needs, but ultimately one of them living is dependent on the other suffering. So can you possibly say that one deserves to live more than the other? That one has more of a right to hurt the other to protect their own species?

Anyway yes this is about Trigun. And how Millions Knives maybe wasn't right but he sure also wasn't wrong

[spacesquidlings]

Catnap

With so much on her mind, how was she supposed to sleep? Everyday chores and her day jobs aside, there was still the matter of Xavier's curse, leaving little time for her to rest. But Xavier thinks differently, and he knows exactly what to do to persuade her to rest.

Pairing: Xavier x MC Tags: Fluff, established relationship, yes cat caretaker event

Notes: If I'm honest Xavier's "kitty" design was my favourite, I loooove ragdoll kitties they're so cute and fluffy. Anyways, here's a fluffy Xavier who I think needs some cuddles too! <3

The sizzling of butter and onions frying was a melody, the savoury smell pairing like a harmony as it wafted through the apartment. But even such music could not keep her mind from drifting off.

Her eyes were heavy as lead, and it was a battle to open them each time they slid shut. Her head felt like it had been stuffed with cotton, and she swayed from side-to-side, unable to keep herself balanced, like she was slowly drifting away on ocean waves.

The wooden spoon she held nearly slipped from her grasp, splattering melted butter and half-fried onion slices all over the floor.

“Get a grip,” she muttered, tightening her hold on the handle. There was so much she still needed to do, she couldn’t afford to fall asleep.

But the kitchen was too quiet, and the heat from the stove was draining the last of her energy away. She was melting wax, slowly losing the strength to stay upright and pooling on the floor below.

Maybe she just needed a distraction. Maybe if she just had someone to talk to, or help her with a few chores, she would be able to rouse herself.

Just as quickly as the idea came to her, though, she winced. There was really only one person she wanted to see right now, but that could lead to disaster. Xavier was always so calm, and warmth radiated from him like the light forever spilling from a star. All it would take was one look at him and the last of her resolve would crumple.

She had all the strength of a wet piece of paper when it came to him, and she would want to fall into his arms the moment he walked in. He would probably open his arms to her, and the slow pulse of his heart and the softness of whatever sweater or cardigan he was wearing and the surety of his arms would make her forget about everything she still had to do.

And of course there was the other disaster that could happen. Maybe he wouldn’t try and coax her to rest, maybe instead he would try to help her cook, and set the entire kitchen on fire in the process.

Still, she tentatively called out to him, deciding the risks were worth it, and did she even care if the food burned at this point?

“Xavier?”

She was greeted with silence, only the sizzle and pop of the butter in the frying pan echoing in the air.

She tried again, a little louder this time. “Xavier?”

Usually he would have responded by now, and ever since he’d been cursed his hearing had only gotten keener. He’d been able to hear her from across a busy store when they’d gone out for groceries a few days ago, ears twitching from catching the sound of her voice and a sly smile on his lips as he dumped an armload of family-value packages of meat into the shopping cart.

Confused, she turned off the stove and moved the pan off the heat. Hadn’t he just been up, flipping through his comic books trying to decide if he wanted to read something or play the new video game she’d gotten him?

“Baby?” She padded from the kitchen, searching for her wayward boyfriend.

She did not have to search far, finding him curled up on the couch, fluffy cat tail draped over his stomach like a blanket.

“Ah.” She allowed herself a rueful smile. She should have known he would be asleep, especially after such a long day.

She might have been working two different jobs and trying to figure out how to lift the curse, but Xavier was the one who was actually cursed. His fluffy tail and silken ears weren’t the only testament to his curse, his behaviour seeming more and more feline with every passing day.

The cat naps growing more and more frequent than they had even before he’d been cursed. His sudden cravings for fish. The way he watched birds a little too closely out the window.

She was starting to worry that she would wake up one day to see a fluffy white cat in place of her boyfriend.

Sighing, she brushed his bangs back from his brow, feeling the feathery-softness of the strands against her skin. He always acted so calm and relaxed, but still she worried. It was hard to read the feelings hidden behind the azure of his eyes. Always so still and calm as a quiet lake touched by starlight, but what did he hide in the shadows where the light did not touch?

She didn’t want to wake him, didn’t want to be selfish and rouse him when he was tired. Instead, she unfolded the pink polkadot blanket draped over the back of the couch, carefully tucking it around him to keep him warm.

“I hope you’re dreaming of catnip and fish,” she breathed, smiling as he sighed in his sleep. “Rest well, love.”

Heading back to the kitchen, she tried to resolve herself. She needed to focus, she needed to be strong. She needed to stay awake long enough to finish cooking their dinner. Then there was the laundry, and she needed to book grooming appointments for all of the cats at the café, and-

She had only just taken up the wooden spoon again, flicking on the stove to resume cooking, the butter already congealing in the pan. Her mind strayed from all the tasks she needed to do, wondering instead whether pan-fried beef was too ambitious, if something as simple as grilled cheese would be enough. She could still use the onions, and add them with a little ham into the sandwiches, and didn’t they have some fancy cheese left from the market they’d been to before this whole fiasco had started-

Her entire train of thought was derailed as arms came around her waist, a warm head falling against her shoulder.

“Ah!” It was instinct more than anything, shrieking as she dropped the wooden spoon with a clatter on the floor.

“It’s just me,” Xavier said, his words little more than a sigh.

She did her best to turn in his arms to face him, but his hold was like iron, and all she could manage was a twist of her head so her words were murmured against the top of his head as he nuzzled his face into her neck. “What’s going on, baby? I thought you were sleeping?”

“I was hoping you’d come lie down with me,” he mumbled. He spoke so slowly, his voice thick with sleep. She wouldn’t be surprised if he fell asleep on her while he was still standing.

She drew back, surprise like a static shock. “You were faking?”

“Well…” She could feel his bashful smile against her skin. “I was half-asleep, but I thought you’d come lie down with me.”

“Oh baby, I wish I could,” she sighed. And she really did wish she could. Taking a nap with him sounded heavenly, but there was so much to do. She needed to stay awake.

“Then come with me.” He rubbed his face against the side of her neck, running his nose down over her shoulder. “I sleep better when I’m with you.”

He spoke with such softness, his words like sun-warmed honey. She could feel them dancing in her mind, feel their sunshine in her veins.

“I have so many things I need to do,” she argued. But it was a tepid riposte at best. She didn’t want to cook or do the chores. She only wanted to melt into his arms and forget about everything for a little while.

He hummed, his arms tightening around her. She felt his fingers twisting into the fabric of her shirt at her sides, felt the feathery softness of his ears tickling her cheek as they twitched. “What kind of things?”

The corners of her lips trembled; his words buzzed against her skin, making her bite back bubbling giggles. Distantly, she wondered if he knew, if he was doing it on purpose to tease her.

“I have to make dinner,” she said. She breathed deep, trying to keep her focus. “And I have to do laundry, and I have to make grooming appointments for the cats. And we’re almost out of the chicken wet food so I need to order more of that, and the bathroom needs to be cleaned.”

Just to name a few. She shook her head, wilting. She felt like a wildflower in a drought, withering into a husk beneath unrelenting heat. “There’s just so much.”

And she didn’t want to ask him to help, didn’t want to burden him. He had been cursed, he didn’t need to clean the toilet, too.

But Xavier grumbled in displeasure. He lifted his head, and she caught his frown from the corner of her eye, a pursing of his lips that looked an awful lot like a pout and a wrinkling of his nose as his brows drew together.

“We can do those things tomorrow together,” he murmured. He spoke soft as a lullaby, even as he argued with her. “You don’t need to do everything on your own.”

“Xavier-”

“Please?” He nuzzled his nose against her jaw, his breath warm as it feathered over her skin. “Lie down with me now, and we can handle everything else tomorrow.”

“What about dinner? We can’t handle that tomorrow.” Her voice squeaked as she scrabbled at her self-control.

He chuckled, rubbing his nose along the line of her jaw. “Easy. We can order something for when we wake up.”

“But what about the laundry, and the kitties, and the cleaning, and-”

“-And it can wait.” His lips grazed over her skin now, and she felt the scrape of his teeth as he brought his mouth over her neck again.

She whined wordlessly, staring down at the uncooked butter and onions, what was quickly becoming a fruitless endeavour. Gauzy-winged butterflies fluttered through her chest, her own heart stumbling like a toddler learning to walk.

“Please, my darling?”

She could feel her resolve crumbling away as Xavier plied her with his soft words. She was about as strong as an overbaked cookie, falling apart at the slightest touch.

When she did not truly respond, Xavier only nestled closer. She felt him sigh, the heave of his chest, the tickle of his breath warming her skin. The heart continued to trip and stumble, faster now, beating as wildly as hummingbird wings, and she wondered if he could feel it as he held her.

Something soft brushed against her side, and she looked down to see his fluffy tail wrapped around her waist, holding her all the closer.

“I’ll let you pet my tail,” he breathed, a playful lilt in his voice.

“Xav-”

A pleasant rumbling sounded from behind her, reverberating into the hollows of her bones. It caught her so off-guard she stopped talking, her argument dying on her tongue.

The feeling continued to vibrate through her, a warmth like the first touch of sunshine in the dawn sky staining her heart. It was soothing, and her mind drifted all too easily as his purrs enveloped her.

“Xavier,” she started, doing her best to force ire into her tone. “Are you manipulating me?”

“No I’m not.”

But his smile gave him away, curving up like a crescent moon against her skin.

It was the final straw; she couldn’t find a reason to argue any longer, to hold out against him when he was so warm and comfy and now he was purring just from holding her.

“Fine,” she grumbled, sagging back against his chest. “You win. I’ll lie down with you.”

His smile hiked higher, and in one swift movement he swept her up into his arms like a princess, dropping a chaste kiss to her brow.

“I’m glad you’ve finally seen reason,” he teased, mischief in his eyes. “Now we can both rest.”

She wanted to argue, but the last of her energy was quickly falling away. All she managed was an eyeroll, but she wasn’t sure Xavier even noticed as he carted her back to the living room, too distracted by his delight at his impending nap.

“There,” he said, settling himself on the couch, nestling her on his chest. “That’s much better.”

“Well… Almost…” She smiled up at him as he draped his arms around her sides, his eyes  falling shut. “But didn’t you promise you’d let me pet your tail?”

Now he was the one rolling his eyes, but he indulged her, his tail curling around her. She ran her fingers through the soft fur, finally letting herself relax. “Now that’s better.”

Xavier chuckled, pulling the blanket over them both. “I’m glad I was able to convince you.”

Already she was having a hard time keeping her eyes open, the steady beating of his heart and the gentle way he cradled her against his chest making sleep come for her all the faster. She cuddled his tail like it was a plushie, resting her cheek over where his heart thrummed. Feeling safe, content.

Everything would be alright. They would handle all the worries that had been plaguing her together.

She gave him a sleepy smile, stretching her neck up to brush a kiss to his jaw. “I’m glad you convinced me, too.”

Her eyes were already closed when she settled her head back on his chest, but she could picture the smile that curved across his lips as he began purring again. And it was that gentle reverberation, and the thought of his starlit smile, that followed after her as she slipped into oblivion.

[her-satanic-wiles]

Dawn Chorus - IV

Dracopia x Fallen Angel!Reader

When you question the Almighty for a third time, you find yourself on the run and escaping a horde of wrathful angels ready to punish you for your insolence. Whose garden should you fall into than Cardinal Copia’s? And he has more nefarious plans for you.

Masterlist ⛧ Commissioned by anonymous ⛧ Series Masterlist

Words: 6.1k.

Reading Time: 25min.

Warnings: blood extraction, body control, corruption kink,finger sucking, forced sexual activity,gaslighting,irrelevant character death,mentions of death by sun exposure, non-consensual sexual activity,objectification, religious disillusionment, religious trauma, sexual harassment, taking advantage of innocence, use of needles,use of the word “bitch” unkindly

Taglist: @da-rulah @teenage-birt-dag @akayuki56 @dopey-fandom-girl @ravensbars @copiaspet622 @onlyhereforghost @ultrahalloweengirl @ad-astra-per-aspera-1976 @whitepawfics @dolceterzo

🔞 MDNI 🔞

As this fic is quite dark, I'm choosing to rate it 21+. Please respect my decision. Thank you.

“I feel as though thou hast drained all my blood and brought me to the brink of death.” You tried to stand but your body was too weak. “For how long hath I been in slumber?”

“Five days,” the Cardinal looked back to his book, “your recovery time is getting longer. We’re going to have to start rationing if this keeps up. Or get another angel. Say, do you think we could use you as bait?”

“I pray thee choke and perish upon my blood.”

The Cardinal laughed. “If that happens,” the door to his bedroom knocked, then opened, “you’ll be stuck in that cage forever - ah! Brother López. Come in, please!”

The Brother opened the door wider and stepped inside, looking polite as he watched the Cardinal stand to greet him.

“Angel,” the Cardinal addressed you, “this is my new cleaner, Brother Santiago López.”

You couldn’t help the wave of disappointment and fear take over you. But as you spoke, you tried to keep your voice level and nonchalant, “Oh. What befell thy previous caretaker?”

“I found out he was trying to help a certain prisoner escape, and so he needed to be punished.”

“If thou has slain him, I swear by the Almighty I shall smite thee!” Your anger bubbled up far too quickly for someone who was supposed to remain nonchalant.

“Oh relax, you crazy bitch. We sent him to an abbey in America to shovel pig shit.”

You exhaled a sigh of relief, feeling your muscles relax knowing that he was okay. “For what reason?”

The Cardinal tapped Brother López on the shoulder and gestured for him to leave, which he did promptly, fearing what he was going to see. “You know why.” The Cardinal said, simply. His voice quieter than usual.

Your voice was less sharp, but still loud. “I can assure thee, I do not.”

“You mean to tell me that you weren’t trying to escape? That you and Brother Hayward weren’t attempting to break you out of that little cage to get you to freedom, hm? Come on now, Angel. I’m more than happy for my pets to have pets, but when they start rebelling against me, lines must be drawn.”

“Thou wast aware he visited here?”

He took in a long breath through his nose, so sharp his nostrils retracted with the inhale. “Could smell him Every time I came home and his scent was stronger than usual - knew he was here a while. And then when he was under the bed, his heartbeat was so loud.” The Cardinal walked over to the cage and rested his hands on the bars, leaning his whole body on it. “His fear would have tasted so good.”

You spat in his face, hearing some of your spittle sizzle against the metal bars. The Cardinal sighed, and wiped it away before hitting the side of the cage.

“The next time you pull something like that, Angel,” he began, his voice loud and so enraged, “I will personally make sure your little pet dies in front of you, and I’ll make it slow and painful. Do you understand?”

When you didn’t answer, he hit the cage again. “Understand?”

“I understand.”

He stood up to his full height and straightened his hair, then began fiddling with his clothes. “I don’t like getting angry with you, Angel. But sometimes you leave me no choice.” He turned to walk away, but stopped at the door. “Oh, and angel?” He said, his voice soft and sweet like butter wouldn’t melt. He looked at you, mismatched eyes piercing into your soul. “Brother Hayward may be in a different country, but one word from me and all 6 litres of his blood gets delivered to my fridge, and his corpse will be buried beneath abbey soil. I’ll be back.”

The threat of his return felt even more sinister with the tone of voice he used, and for the first time since this whole ordeal started, you felt the sharp pang of fear that had the small amount of blood inside you run cold. Your safety didn’t matter. You were just you. But now Thomas’ life was in jeopardy and it was entirely your fault. Memories of Brother Thomas’ kind eyes and gentle words flooded your thoughts, each one a painful reminder of the danger he now faced because of you. Guilt gnawed at your insides like a ravenous beast, twisting and clawing at your conscience until it threatened to consume you whole. You had thought yourself strong, resilient in the face of the Cardinal’s torment. But now, faced with the consequences of your actions, you felt nothing but fear and despair creeping in, threatening to engulf you entirely.

As the Cardinal’s footsteps faded down the hallway, leaving behind an oppressive silence, you couldn’t shake the weight of his threats echoing in your mind. The air in the room felt heavy, suffocating, as if the walls themselves were closing in on you. For though you may be trapped in this gilded cage, your spirit remained unbroken. And as long as there was breath in your body, you would fight tooth and nail to protect those you held dear, no matter the cost.

Your own body continued to repair itself, slower than it usually would. The five days it took you to regain consciousness turned into twenty more of total healing time. The Cardinal kept a monitor of your levels based on how you smelled, which meant every day, his long, rodent nose would poke through the bars as he inhaled your scent, making sure his tavern was restocking perfectly well. He didn’t try and pry any information from you in that time, which you hated to admit that you were grateful for. But he had developed a habit of sitting and staring at you, taking joy in watching you squirm uncomfortably. He’d brought in a red, velvet armchair from the living space to do just that. Every evening, he’d waltz into his room with a glass of your blood, now tainted red from your essence, and sit and observe you, like an animal in a cage. You never said anything: always believing he wanted you to start a conversation, but you’d never let him win.

At first, the Cardinal’s constant scrutiny had been unbearable, like a stifling weight pressing down on your chest, making it difficult to breathe. His presence had been a constant reminder of your captivity, of just how at his mercy you truly were. But as the days stretched into weeks and the Cardinal’s routine became an unsettling rhythm in your life, something shifted within you. You found yourself growing accustomed to his gaze, almost welcoming it in a twisted sort of way. Not that you enjoyed it, by any means. Just that a routine was being established and the Cardinal became the only constant in your life. The only entertainment, too. And so, instead of shrinking away from his viewing, you began to meet his eyes head-on, a silent challenge in your gaze. You refused to cower under his oppressive stare, refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing you squirm. You found yourself seeing him in return, studying the lines of his face, the way his eyes glinted with a predatory gleam. There was a darkness lurking behind those mismatched orbs, a darkness that chilled you to the bone. But even as you studied him, a sense of defiance burned within you. You refused to let the Cardinal break you, refused to let him strip away your dignity and humanity. You were more than just a prisoner in a cage; you were a warrior, a survivor, and you would not be defeated so easily. Heaven couldn’t get you, neither could he.

So, you met the Cardinal’s gaze with steely determination, a silent reminder that despite his best efforts, you would not be broken. And as you stared back at him, you couldn’t help but wonder what secrets lay hidden behind those calculating eyes, what darkness lurked within the depths of his soul.

The Cardinal’s entrance into the room that night was accompanied by an air of smugness so thick you could practically taste it. His smirk was evident as he sauntered in, a book tucked under one arm and a glass of your blood held casually in the other, a smile so wide, you could see his fangs underneath the skin. You watched him with a mixture of apprehension and curiosity, wondering what had put that self-satisfied gleam in his eyes. It was rare to see him so openly pleased with himself, and it set your nerves on edge.

As he approached your cage, he made no attempt to hide his triumphant grin, relishing in the power he held over you. He settled into the red velvet armchair with an air of satisfaction, taking a leisurely sip from the glass of blood as if it were the finest vintage wine, because, to him, it was. His eyes flicked over to you, and you met his gaze with a steely resolve, refusing to let him see any hint of fear or weakness. “So, Angel,” he began, his voice dripping with arrogance, but his words slurred slightly from the drink, “I’ve been doing some reading lately. Did you know there’s a whole chapter in this book dedicated to angels like you?”

Your stomach twisted uneasily at the implications of his words, but you kept your expression carefully neutral, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing you flinch.

“It seems there’s quite a lot I didn’t know about your kind,” he continued, his tone laced with malice. “But don’t worry, Angel. I plan on remedying that very soon.” With a chilling smile, he opened the book in his hands, his eyes gleaming with a dark intensity that sent a shiver down your spine. “Do you know this book?”

You shook your head.

“It was written by Lorenzo Giovanni during the Renaissance, the last time an angel knowingly fell to Earth. A vampyre, like me. Spent most of his days studying the angel, finding out what makes you tick - turns out, he got pretty far. Unfortunately, his work was unfinished. A mob found out what he was and got to him in 1492, tied him up and let the Sun do all the work. But, do you know what he did find?” He didn’t wait for you to shake your head this time. He cleared his throat, and began to read aloud. As he began to read, you couldn’t shake the feeling that this was just the beginning of something far more sinister. “‘In celestial governance, once the manner is known, it is a simple matter. The heavenly messengers utilize the dread of the Almighty to manage their subordinates. However, those angels who have questioned the supremacy of the Lord are subject to the influences of their sacred radiance, the origin of which is their halo. Thus, one who attains an angel’s halo possesses the capability to command the entity, as well as the sacred radiance enveloping it.’ This we know, correct?”

You remained silent. So, the Cardinal continued, “‘This process assumes two guises: one to govern the physical form, the other to govern the intellect. To command the physical form, one must initially acquaint themselves with the name of the angel. As is observed with infernal entities, names possess a potency beyond human comprehension. Consequently, an angel bearing a name can readily relinquish control of their physical form merely by disclosing this fragment of information. Subduing the intellect, however, presents a greater challenge.’

“Basically,” he said, closing the book shut for dramatic affect, “I know your name, your body becomes mine.” He sighed, “Giovanni then goes onto say your mind is fully intact during this process, that you’ll feel your body moving but have no control over it.” He set his glass down on the dresser and walked towards your halo in its cage.

He grasped hold of it and you notice his hand was gloved, taking note of the care he was using to touch it. Your halo was just as dangerous to him as it was to you, but for different reasons. Without your halo, you were dead. Without your halo, you were controlled. For him, his skin would burn at the touch of it, like yours did with hellfire. For him, one wrong move and he would evaporate in the holy light. There was a part of you that wanted that to happen - wanted to see him perish in one of the most painful ways you had ever known. Yet there was an overpowering guilt that ate at you when you thought about it - knowing that the Almighty wanted you to love everyone, even at the detriment to yourself.

He took a step back and looked at you, smugness oozing from every pore. “I haven’t told Sister yet,” he mumbled, sitting back down on the chair. “I wanted to find out if it worked first. Tell me your name, Angel.”

“Thou must deem me a fool to willingly disclose such information.” You retorted, your voice barely above a whisper. Your mouth was dry.

He chuckled, a dark sound that shook you to your core. He nestled into the armchair, becoming comfortable in his throne of power. All of his movement was in his hips, lifting himself off the velvet to help him slide down it a little more, legs spread wide to exude his dominance. He was disgusting. “I thought you might say that,” he commented, his grin widening, “but you forget who I have.”

Thomas.

“You’ve experienced firsthand what I can do, Angel,” he continued, “except, I’ll make sure I’m much worse with him.”

“Thou would not.” You protested, trying to quell your panic. “The constabulary would be aware. Thou would be compelled to answer to the authorities.”

“I never said he’d survive.”

A chill ran down your spine. Your mind raced with fear and uncertainty as the Cardinal’s threat hung in the air like a dark cloud. Thomas was now in grave danger, and you were faced with an impossible choice. Would you sacrifice your own identity to save him, or would you stand firm and risk his life? You did know what the Cardinal could do - you’d been subjected to it since the moment you met him however long ago that was. You knew you could survive going through that again, especially if you had nothing to lose; but you couldn’t be sure about Thomas. He definitely didn’t deserve to feel the Cardinal’s wrath any more than he already may have. And could you live with yourself knowing you’d condemned a man to death just to save yourself, even if he did belong to the Satanic Church? By robbing him of his life, he’d never get the chance to return to God, to see the light and repent. You’d never get the chance to meet him again in Heaven. You’d rob him of his salvation, but you’d save yourself from the Cardinal’s damnation. Either way, you lost.

“If I divulge,” you began, puffing your chest to sound more confident and unafraid, “can thou ensure his well-being?”

The smugness faded from the Cardinal, if only for a moment. “Of course.” He responded, genuinely. “How else would I get you to do things I wanted?” He let the second sentence slip out, but paid it no mind once it had been released. He planned on using Thomas’ safety to continue to control you. You never should have let yourself get close to him - it allowed the Cardinal to win.

“And wilt thou demonstrate that he is unharmed? Wilt thou prove that thou speakest truthfully unto me?”

“I’ll get him to video chat you every week.”

You frowned, “I comprehend naught of thy words.”

“Video chat? FaceTime? Angels have no technology up there at all?” The Cardinal sighed at your blank expression and rummaged in his pocket to pull out the device you first saw him use. “This thing lets you have conversations with people that aren’t there with you. It shows you their face and hear their voice and, boom, conversation.”

“And thou wilt employ that contrivance to contact Tho- Brother Hayward?”

“Yes.”

You sighed. “___.”

“What?”

“My name. It is ___.”

“___.” The Cardinal nodded and set down the device next to his glass. He stood and unlocked your cage, before returning to his spot on the couch. He gently maneuvered your halo into the palm of his right hand, and brought it up to his mouth. “___, I command you to exit the cage.”

You laughed. You laughed at him. He lacked conviction which was why it failed, and it was so funny to watch him fumble. He cleared his throat, and now, with more confidence, repeated his order. Your body tingled in response, and despite you fighting it with great strength, your legs moved of their own accord. Your bare foot stepped out of the cage and onto the floor, barely feeling the textures beneath your feet. Your body ducked around the metal, wings tucked tightly to your body to stop any part of you from getting injured. Even under control, your body still did what it could to preserve itself. This was a new sensation to you, as you’d never been under someone else’s control before - you’d never needed to be because you were always a good soldier, even when you had your doubts. You’d never known anyone be subjected to this, either. Within seconds, you were out of the cage, standing in front of it with your wings outstretched. He hadn’t ordered you to stay still, to wait for the next instruction. But you did anyway, fearing that defiance would bring a painful end to Brother Thomas.

“___, I command you to spin on the spot.” The Cardinal ordered, a mischievous smile on his face and a glint in his eye.

When you did as he commanded, he laughed. It was a guttural laugh, hearty and jovial, clearly he was having fun with this. “Like a game of Capitan Giro. Capitan Giro dice stand on one leg.”

You did as commanded, and the Cardinal screamed in delight.

“Wait, I don’t need your name? I don’t need to be so formal? What if… put both feet to the floor.”

You did as commanded.

“Incredible. I wonder what else I could get you to do. How else I could humiliate you…” He stopped and thought for a moment, eyes darkening. “Come here.” This command was lower and deeper than the previous ones, quieter and somehow more intimate.

You fought against this command, but to no avail. Your feet, slowly, dragged you towards the Cardinal and only stopping when you were right in front of him, between his open legs. “On your knees.”

You obeyed. The whole time you made eye contact with him, staring daggers into his face and still hoping that the halo hurt him.

He held out his left hand, the one not holding the halo, and said, “Remove the glove.”

Your hands immediately sprung into action, grasping onto the hem of the leather and peeling it gently off of his hand, exposing the skin beneath.

“You know,” he grumbled as you pulled the final finger of his glove off him, “the Sister told me about you.”

He moved his hand to your face and tried to caress your cheek, but you moved away. “Come back, don’t fight me.” Slowly, you moved back to your original position, feeling your cheek meet his fingertips. His hand was large, taking up most of your face as he stroked it with such gentility, you weren’t entirely sure that this was the same man who had caused you great pain for so long. His thumb sat beside your nose, and gently stroked your skin.

“She told me about your purity,” he continued. “How you’re still the good angel Yhwh intended.” He dropped his voice to a whisper. “Open your mouth.”

You did. You opened it a small amount, but it was enough for him. He slotted his thumb inside and rubbed the pad over your tongue, as if he was studying your mouth. His knuckle, briefly, hit the tip of your small fangs - not enough to hurt him, but enough to have him fascinated by them.

“Suck on my finger.”

Your mouth closed around the digit in your mouth, lips stretching just a little over his skin, and you heard the Cardinal exhale a shaky breath. He watched the obscenity in front of him, how your cheeks hollowed around his thumb that he slowly began to move in and out of your mouth. His cheeks were flushed, partially because of your blood, but also because his own was rushing around his body, still pumping life into it despite his insides being almost dead. His pupils were blown, and his eyes were hooded, making him look a little crazy. His lips parted, and his breaths were laboured, chest rising and falling as though his lungs still worked - a force of habit, you thought.

You didn’t understand this - what he was doing. You’d never seen anyone do this before, but your mind was racing with possibilities. Perhaps he was testing your mouth, making sure your health was good. Or maybe it was some strange form of comfort for him, you pondered. Perhaps he found solace in this bizarre act, a fleeting moment of intimacy amidst the chaos of his life. As his thumb moved in and out of your mouth, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of unease mingled with curiosity.

You should bite down.

You couldn’t. Not that you weren’t trying, but you were under the influence of the halo. You just couldn’t get your teeth to clench around his thumb.

Despite your confusion, you continued to suck on his finger obediently, just as the Cardinal had ordered. You focused on the rhythm of his movements, trying to make sense of the strange sensation in your mouth.

“Cazzo.” He let out a whisper, barely audible but because of the quiet of the room, the humming of technology barely covered the sound.

As time passed, it couldn’t have been more than a minute, you couldn’t shake the feeling of discomfort that gnawed at you. Yet, you dared not speak up, afraid to disrupt the fragile peace that enveloped the room. So you remained silent, your mind still racing with unanswered questions, as you obediently continued to suck on his finger.

Suddenly, the Cardinal’s eyes widened, a look of shock appearing on his face. He yanked his thumb from your mouth and physically pushed you away, grasping onto the halo a little tighter than he should have. “B-back in the cage.” He said quickly, standing up and walking over to your halo’s cage.

He didn’t need to use the halo to order you back behind bars, you were already scrambling to your feet and rushing to fit yourself in through the bars. He refused to make eye contact with you, noticing that he was feeling shame. Shame for what, you couldn’t say, but he spent most of the time staring at the floor as he locked you back inside. Your eyes wandered, too. From his face, over his body, until you saw the tent in his crotch every time he stood side-on. You weren’t completely foolish, you knew what that meant. You’d spent enough time with mortals, and saw a varying degree of sin that they would commit regularly. But you still couldn’t piece together the correlation between his finger in your mouth and the reason for his body’s reaction. He didn’t say a word, instead grabbing the glass and all but running out the door.

Perhaps you were feeling some of his shame now that you knew he’d used you to sin. He’d sinned with you before, every single time he caused you pain was sin enough, but this felt different somehow. Before, it was all the sins that were done to you; because of your implicitness due to the halo’s control, it felt like he was sinning with you. Shame, anger, and a deep sense of discomfort gnawed at your insides, making you feel vulnerable and exposed.

You had been subjected to a degrading and humiliating act, one that left you feeling powerless and violated. The Cardinal’s actions had stripped away your dignity and autonomy, reducing you to nothing more than a mere object for his pleasures.

Anger simmered within you, fueled by the injustice of being treated in such a deplorable manner. You resented the Cardinal for his blatant disregard for your dignity and for his abuse of power. How dare he manipulate and exploit you for his own perverse desires?

The deep sense of discomfort stemmed from the violation of your boundaries and the invasion of your personal space. His unwelcome advances had left you feeling exposed and vulnerable, as if your very essence had been laid bare for his scrutiny.

But then, the feeling dawned on you, was this not a similar way the Almighty had treated you? How He would get His subordinates to send you down to the mortal realm and commit atrocities on His behalf. In Egypt and Canaan, and even the shores of Italia, in His name you enacted awful things, bore witness to tragedies no person should ever see. While the Cardinal used you for some kind of sexual gratification, the Almighty used you for egotistical gratification, and either way, you were a pawn in someone else’s game, an object to be used at will regardless of your own opinions. You could never condone or justify the Cardinal’s behaviour towards you, but you’d also never had autonomy over your own person, so was it any different?

In some weird twist, you had come to realise that despite being trapped in a cage, your mind was freer than it ever had been in Heaven, your thoughts were your own, and your feelings went more-or-less unpunished. And in comparison, who was truly the Devil? Lucifer, or the Almighty?

The Cardinal didn’t come to visit you the next day, or the day after that, or the subsequent week that followed. He wouldn’t even come back to his chambers to rest, opting to spend his time elsewhere and avoiding you - an easy task, you were sure, given that he had kept you in the cage the whole time. You were unsure how to feel about this, whether this was something you should be grateful for, or if you should be afraid.

The longer you were around the vampyres, the more you’d begun to understand them and their ways; their thoughts and feelings, and what made them tick. Given that you’d not seen the Sister in so long, you could assume that the Cardinal hadn’t told her about his discovery. If he had, she’d have charged into his chambers, gripped hold of your halo, and practiced on you herself. Her insatiable thirst for power and control outweighed her thirst for your blood, and thus, if she knew your secret, you’d know too.

But then, why had the Cardinal kept that secret? Both he and the Sister wanted power, specifically power over you. They had been working together from the start to make sure they got what they wanted, your health and safety be damned. So why hadn’t the Cardinal told her everything? You pondered these questions in the silence of your cage, the only company being the dim glow of your halo, a sense of unease washing over you in more ways than one.

By the time you had healed completely, the Cardinal had returned with the empty bottles, but still found it difficult to look you in the eye. His gaze flickered with a mixture of guilt and apprehension, a silent acknowledgment of the unspeakable acts he had committed in his pursuit of power… or pleasure?

You watched him closely, noting the tension in his movements and the weariness etched into his features. Despite the disguise of indifference he attempted to show, you could sense the conflict raging within him, a storm of inconsistent emotions that threatened to consume him whole. He’d not rested well enough - you wondered if he’d even eaten properly. Then you wondered why you cared.

As he went about his task of arranging empty buckets around his bed, you remained silent, studying his every move with a mixture of curiosity and wariness. Why buckets, this time? There was an obvious shift in the air, a tension that hung between you, heavily shrouding you both an an intense suffocation.

With each passing moment, the weight of his silence grew heavier, a burden that bore down upon you with unbearable force. You longed to break the oppressive stillness, to confront him with the questions that burned in the depths of your soul, but you held your tongue, wary of the consequences of speaking out.

In the end, it was the Cardinal who broke the silence, his voice barely above a whisper as he addressed you. “I won’t bind you when I let you out… I’m trusting you to be on your best behaviour.”

You simply nodded in response.

“No funny business, no trying to escape… no attacking, got it?”

“I shall not undertake such actions today,” you told him, “yet I offer no assurances for the morrow.”

He laughed as though you were telling him a joke. His laughter echoed through the chamber, a hollow sound that reverberated off the walls. Despite the tension that lingered between you, there was a sense of relief in his amusement, a fleeting moment of levity amidst the heavy atmosphere that surrounded you. “Well, I suppose that’s better than nothing,” he replied, his tone lightening slightly. “Just remember, Angel, I’m not afraid to put you back in that cage if you step out of line.”

You met his gaze with a steady stare, your eyes alight with a quiet defiance. “I understand,” you said, your voice firm and unwavering. “But mark this, Cardinal - I shall not be imprisoned anew, not without resistance.”

There was a flicker of something in his eyes, a spark of recognition that mirrored the fire that burned within your own soul. In that moment, you saw a glimmer of respect in his gaze, a grudging acknowledgment of your strength and determination.

“Very well,” he said, his voice tinged with resignation. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

He moved towards your cage, unlocked and opened the door, and took a step back, still holding it as though he were a gentleman holding the door for his wife. With apprehension, you climbed out, wings cocooning your body again until you were completely free of the metal. You chanced a glance at your halo, which was still locked up tight in the cage, and somehow you felt relieved. You stretched your entire body out, wings included, grateful for the feeling. All the while, you still watched the Cardinal potter around the room until he invited you onto his bed again.

You hesitated until you saw the plea in his eyes. “What dost thou withhold from me, Cardinal?”

He shook his head, “If you don’t let me drain you now, things will end up worse for us both. Just do as I ask this one time, please.”

You regarded him with a mix of wariness and resignation, knowing that you had little choice but to comply with his request. With a heavy sigh, you moved towards the bed, your movements slow and deliberate as you approached him.

As you settled onto the plush mattress, you couldn’t shake the feeling of unease that settled over you like a heavy cloak. The Cardinal’s intentions were clear, his desire for your blood palpable in the air, and yet you found yourself unable to resist his command. You felt the first needle prick into the crook of your arm, and watched as your blood began to pour into the bucket. Then you saw him prick the second needle in, and the cycle repeat. Usually, the Cardinal would stand back and watch menacingly. But this time, he gently crawled onto the bed, lifted you up, and slotted you on top of him, so you were using his body as a pillow instead.

As the Cardinal cradled you in his arms, using his body as a makeshift pillow, you couldn’t help but feel a surge of discomfort wash over you. The intimacy of the gesture was unsettling, a stark contrast to the usual brutality of your interactions with him.

With each drop of blood that left your body, you felt a sense of vulnerability creep in, the realization dawning on you that you were completely at his mercy. Despite your instinctive urge to resist, you found yourself unable to muster the strength to pull away, trapped in a state of submission that left you feeling powerless and exposed.

You passed out, despite your body fighting it.

You were barely conscious when you woke, the needles still in your arms and the Cardinal still behind you. This time, you could feel his hands running up and down your biceps and stroking your hair, as if he was trying to comfort you. You wanted to recoil from his touch, to push him away and reclaim the boundaries he had violated so mercilessly more than once. And yet, a part of you couldn’t help but crave the warmth of his embrace, the fleeting sense of connection that offered a brief respite from the cold reality of your captivity.

Your body lost consciousness again, the last thing you felt were his fingertips tracing light patterns into your skin.

You roused from your uneasy slumber, disoriented and groggy, the memory of the Cardinal’s touch haunting your exposed flesh. As your senses slowly returned, you realized that the needles were no longer piercing your skin, their absence bringing a faint sense of relief amidst the lingering discomfort.

You looked around the room, heart heavy, seeking any sign of the Cardinal’s whereabouts, but all you saw was the empty space of his bed and the stifling silence that enveloped the room like a blanket. Feelings of fear and panic started to seethe at the borders of your mind as you struggled with the disconcerting realisation that you were alone in the room, and not trapped up in your cage where you’d normally be after such an extraction.

You strained to get yourself upright, your muscles protesting with each movement as you forced yourself to look around more closely. However, no matter how hard you looked, there was no sign of the Cardinal, no clue of where he had gone or what he was plotting next.

The sound of voices coming from the living room sent shivers down your spine, breaking the strange calm that had encased the Cardinal’s quarters. You strained your ears, nervously attempting to figure out who was talking and who was there.

Your heart pounded in your chest as you listened closely, the murmur of voices becoming louder and clearer with each passing instant. Their tones conveyed a sense of urgency, a palpable tension that appeared to linger in the air like a building storm.

For a tiny moment, you cherished the hope that Brother Thomas would return to liberate you from your captivity and deliver you from the Cardinal’s tyranny. But deep down, you understood that such dreams were nothing more than desperate illusions created out of your own sorrow.

One of the voices belonged to the Cardinal… the other… the Sister.

You strained to catch every word of the furious discussion between the Sister and the Cardinal, their voices rising and falling in a chaotic symphony of wrath and frustration. From your position in the bedroom, you could feel the tension crackling in the air like electricity, heavy and stifling.

The words they exchanged formed a bleak picture, indicating a flaw in their carefully crafted relationship. It became clear that the Cardinal had acted with purposeful intent by draining you of your blood before the full moon night, undermining their plans to perform the second ritual.

Confusion blurred your mind as you tried to make sense of the Cardinal’s strange choice to sabotage the ceremony. It didn’t make sense; why would he go to such extent to foil plans that he had personally set up? You felt lost and confused, as if the puzzle pieces would not fit together in your brain.

You couldn’t shake the notion that the Cardinal’s acts were more than just what they appeared to be. His intentions remained a mystery, and you couldn’t help but wonder what underlying agenda drove his betrayal. Was he behaving in his own self-interest, or was he motivated by something else that you couldn’t figure out? Or was there a deeper, more nefarious motive at work?

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