#and Zoe's like 'yeah at least half of my closest friends are people I have hated at some point. this is part of going on a Pokemon journey

[rodimissliveblogs]

Oh can I please read it. You don’t even have to lend it to me, we can just sit here while I read it. You can take pictures of the pages for me. I gotta know what kind of shit your mom is looking into.

“Also this might be the book that gets reported on in a magazine called fucking Occulture, so you really can see how this is a last resort for me.”

Buddy I’ll do anything for you and your dog. If we die in the attempt then it will still have been well worth the attempt.

[devil-in-those-eyes]

One Day Pt1- Rudy Pankow

ALRIGHTY, so I tried my best but I don't know very much about Rudy’s personal life so bear with me. 

Taglist: @jeyramarie

Summary: Y/N and Rudy dated in high school and he promised her they’d find their way back to each other but they haven't spoken in years, until he comes home for a visit after the release of Outer Banks. 

~

           Alaska wasn’t the warmest place in the states for summer, but arguably the prettiest. Full of greenery and always things to do outdoors, from kayaking to hiking to taking random drives, Ketchikan was beautiful but even you couldn’t help but start to feel like you were drowning in the city.

           Most of your friends stuck around your hometown or at least stayed in the same state, so it made summer time more enjoyable, especially when everyone got together. Summer never got exceptionally warm, but tonight constituted for jeans and a cute top, no need for a jacket. The get together was at your friends cabin that was in a secluded area of your hometown, it sat right on the water and every time you breathed in, you could smell the salt of the water.

           This get together had been a tradition between you and your childhood friends, it happened every summer almost to the day. It was the birthday of your closest friend and every year it got rowdier and rowdier, you wouldn’t miss it. Everyone was here, everyone except one person. Not a lot of people made it out of Alaska, you and your friends had a joke about never leaving the state. Only a few of your friends went away to college but only one of them actually got out of Alaska and went two-thousand and some miles away, your ex-boyfriend, Rudy.

           You always tried to push his face out of your head and the older you got, as the years continued to fly by, it got easier. You were so proud of Rudy for following his dreams to California but the distance between you two seemed to grown a mile a second until you just stopped talking all together.

           You two weren’t complicated, there wasn’t a long drawn out story between you and him. You had supported his dream from the beginning with a promise of one day, you knew staying friends would be hard but you loved him until staying friends seemed impossible because you never talked. You tried, but the more your texts and calls went unanswered and not returned the less effort you put in because clearly one day wasn’t going to happen.

           It broke your heart, but what could you do? Rudy had landed a role in a Netflix Original and it was taking the world by storm, he was never going to come back home and you didn’t know if you could leave home. So what did you do? You did what he did, you started dating. You picked up the small pieces of your heart, painted on a pretty smile and started seeing other people.

           You had been seeing Tucker James for a while. He was handsome, made you smile. You grew up with Tucker and when he came back home after college, he was completely different then when you saw him in high school. He wasn’t Rudy, but he was something.

           The little get together wasn’t crowded with people, but it wasn’t quiet. The people here were the kids you graduated with, mainly your group of friends that consisted of ex-football players, ex-soccer players and ex-cross country runners. You and your girlfriends were mainly ex-soccer players and one cheerleader, all three of you totally different but the closest of friends.

           “You’ll never guess who’s here,” your friend, Zoe, said after she bounced into the space beside you and handed you a beer.

           “Will we care?” Kennedy asked, raising her eyebrows as she sat on the kitchen counter, already finishing her drink. You had just gotten here with Tucker somewhere with friends, and was catching up even though you just had breakfast with them two days ago.

           “You?” Zoe shook her head at Kennedy before swinging her eyes onto you, “you on the other hand will definitely care.”

           You sighed, “What, did Jamie get back together with that girl? Henning already hitting the beers hard? Because I am not being mother hen tonight.”

           “No,” Zoe answered, her voice going high with a gentle grimace. “I think his brother will be mother hen.”

           Your eyebrows pulled together as Kennedy sounded just as confused as you. “Uh, Alec won’t be home for another few days.”

           Zoe’s eyebrows rose to her hairline, lifting her drink to her mouth and avoiding your eyes and Kennedy’s. It seemed to hit you both at the same time, but Kennedy was the one to speak as shock rooted your body. “Whoa, you mean Rudy’s home?”

           With Zoe’s silence you knew that Kennedy was right and suddenly your heart slammed inside your chest and stole your breath, your cheeks paling as Kennedy turned her eyes onto you. Zoe finally looked back at you and you could see the wariness inside her face, but the world just drowned out around you.

           Rudy was home? Like actually home and you knew it?

           “Zoe, don’t be an idiot. Rudy never told Y/N when he came home, they haven’t seen each other in almost four years.” Kennedy said, her voice finally filling your head.

           You shook your racing heart and realized him being home meant nothing. You wouldn’t run off to see him, throw yourself into his embrace and give him the satisfaction of knowing that you never fully got over him. You sucked in a deep breath and painted a smile, “Well, at least he’s home for Jamie’s birthday.”

           Your two friends knew better, they knew you too well, you’ve been friends since you guys were toddlers so they knew it was a forced smile. They knew Tucker was just another fake attempt at erasing Rudy from your head and mainly your heart. They were a few guys between Rudy and Tucker, but none of them helped, you always ended up alone and wishing Rudy was with you but it would never be him. One day was never going to happen and you had come to terms with it, now getting your heart on the same boat as your head was a entirely different story.

           “Jamie’s got beer pong in the living room, wanna head over?” Kennedy said, trying to change the subject.

           You ended up swallowing half of your beer before nodding and following after them but the second you stepped out of the kitchen and into the hallway the air around you changed, your stomach fluttered and your heart slammed again. Zoe was talking about the bonfire that Jamie would get going soon, her and Kennedy reminiscing about how last years get together ended in a lot of trouble and a night filled with alcohol, when you turned your head and saw him.

           His blue eyes were already on you, watching every step you took and the brightness inside his eyes stopped you. God, those eyes could get you to do whatever he wanted, all he had to do was give you that lopsided smile and bright eyes and you’d go to the ends of the earth with him. His blond hair was unruly and in need of a cut, but he looked the same as he did at eighteen, just more. Wider shoulders sat underneath his short sleeve black shirt, thicker thighs underneath his black jeans, skin was more tan from being in California and filming the other side of the coast.

           His eyes bled relief as he drank you in. Like he was happy to see you here, like he had been praying, and now here you two were, mere feet between you instead of thousands of miles.

           “Gorgeous,” Tucker came up behind you, touching the back of your head and tilting it back to meet his lips in a soft kiss. You pulled back and looked at him as he smiled, “Wanna play beer pong with Jamie?”

           You attempted an answer but the word got stuck inside your throat as you quickly glanced back at Rudy, watching his eyes fill with something unreadable but you were quick to look back at Tucker, giving him another signature forced smile. “Yeah.”

           Tucker grabbed your hand and you were walking into the living room, leaving Rudy behind you. He really was here.

           “Oh, my god,” you murmured to yourself, lifting the plastic cup and taking another swig.

           You were almost able to forget that Rudy was somewhere in this home. You folded yourself into Tucker’s chest as your two friends went against two guys that Jamie played soccer with, but when your friends started bringing up memories of the old times was when you started to feel like you couldn’t breathe.

           “Do you remember the night we won the state championships?” Collin asked, wearing a grin, nodding his head towards the door and you followed his eyes to see Rudy had walked in the dining room with his castmate and close friend, Chase Stokes.

           Your stomach swallowed your heart as Rudy’s eyes landed on you and Tucker. You didn’t miss the way his blue eyes narrowed in at the way Tucker was holding you. His beer lifted to his mouth and he took a sip, his eyes finally reaching yours.

           “The same night Jamie went streaking and got caught for indecent exposure with the Sheriff?��� Zoe asked, smirking and making everyone but you and Rudy laugh because all you could do was keep your eyes on him.

           Jamie shrugged, “I have no shame.”

           The corners of Rudy’s mouth lifted slightly, a small and teasing smirk toyed with your heart and suddenly, he wasn’t the only one that remembered that night because he was mentally dragging you down memory lane with him. That was the same night you spent with Rudy, holed up in your room and celebrating his win with just the two of you. You and Rudy had been dating for a year, but it was the first time he told you that he loved you.

           You could still see the look in his eyes, feel his fingers touching your collarbone and drifting up to where your pulse raced. Feel his confession whisper across your lips.

           Your escape came when Jamie touched Rudy’s shoulder, breaking your little trip down memory lane. “We should take Chase kayaking.”

           If you escaped while he wasn’t looking, you could maybe settle down whatever was happening inside your chest, stomach and head.

           “I need some air,” You said quietly, pushing away from Tucker.

           Tucker’s grin fell as he looked at you, his arms falling from your waist, “You ok, gorgeous?”

           You nodded and smiled, “It’s stuffy.”

           “Want me to come?” He asked, taking a step towards you but you touched his chest and brought your lips to his cheek.

           “I’m fine, I wont be long.”

           Tucker let you go and you promised Zoe and Kennedy you were fine as you went. You just needed to breathe, like actually breathe. Not suck in a breath and feel like it didn’t reach your lungs, you knew as soon as you walked outside and smelled the salt in the air that you’d be fine. You squeezed past people and found a quiet spot on the wrap around porch, you could hear the distant sounds of people talking and smell the sharp burn of firewood, it almost made your nose burn but it just felt so good to breathe in silence.

           You touched the back of your neck and sighed, God, why can’t I get over him?

           “I didn’t know you were seeing someone.”

           Your fingers stopped pressing against the tense muscles on your neck as Rudy’s voice filled your ears. A shiver raced down your spine and you looked over your shoulder briefly, seeing him standing there with his hands in his jean pockets. “Why not.”

           You looked away and crossed your arms over your chest. You didn’t know if you were actually cold, or if it was your body trying to fight off the nerves of suddenly being alone with Rudy.

           “Tucker James, Y/N?” He asked, sounding like he just couldn’t believe someone like you could be with Tucker.

           And that upset you, it angered you. You turned around to face him, “What does it matter to you?”

           “Tucker?” He asked again, looking distraught. “Y/N, you couldn’t stand the douche in high school. You hated him.”

           “Well, we’re not kids anymore, Rudy, now are we?” You shot back.

           Rudy’s jaw clenched as he turned his head, looking off to the side. He slowly brought his eyes back to yours, in the dim lights coming from the party you could barely make out the lightness inside your eyes but you knew they were an intense shade of blue, the same way they always got when he was upset.

           “No, I guess we aren’t,” he said softly, bringing his hands to his hips. “You deserve more than Tucker, Y/N, we both know that.”

           “How dare you,” you whispered, feeling tears prick your eyes. “You don’t get to say that because you don’t know me anymore, you made sure of that when you broke my heart.”

           “Y/N, don’t say that,” he whispered, shaking his head.

           You were so proud of him and who he was becoming, but you both knew that what was left between the two of you was because of him. “You never meant for One day, Rudy, and that’s fine but it took me too long to realize you never wanted it.”

           Rudy stared at you, his own sadness and heart break filling his whole being. He remembered the exact moment he promised you one day, he had taken you for a drive as graduation loomed above your heads. You both knew that your break up was fast approaching, but you were trying to soak up every moment with each other. His promise had been his way of saying that it wasn’t the end for you two.

           One day your paths would cross and bring you two together again. One day he’d come home for you. One day you’d leave Alaska and find your way to him. One day you’d be able to love each other without the distance between you.

           Rudy always meant for One day, there had never been a doubt in his mind that you were his forever, he just was waiting for that moment. “You know that’s a lie, Y/N,” he spoke softly, keeping his eyes on you.

           Seeing your eyes fill with tears only broke his heart further because he didn’t realize how much he hurt you.

           “If you meant it then you would have called. I wouldn’t be the last to know you had come home for a few days, I wouldn’t find out days after you went back to LA.” You touched your chest, “I tried to be your friend, Rudy, but all you did was ignore me, so no, you didn’t mean it.”

           You took a step to the side and he stepped with you, blocking your path. “Don’t walk away,” he pleaded. “Let’s just, I just wanna talk, Y/N.”

           God, his voice. It was so soft, a low grumble falling from his lips. His fingers lightly touched your hip as your eyes stared at his chest, the same one that was rising and falling with quick breaths.

           “Please, Y/N,” He begged, stepping into you and breathing in your light perfume. It was intoxicating to him, it changed but it was still familiar, it was still you. Rudy would take you anywhere you wanted to go. To that little café you loved, the twenty-four hour iHop, to the waterfall he dragged you to five years ago, where he asked you to be his girlfriend.

           He’d go anywhere if it meant you were beside him.

           You finally lifted your eyes to look at him, the color making his heart melt. “No,” your voice cracked and as you pushed past his arm, his fingers fell from your hip.

           He turned, his eyes watching you as you headed back into the party, brushing past Chase and keeping your head down. You missed the gentle smile on his face as he stood, facing Rudy.

Chase lifted his eyes to Rudy, “Is that her?”

           Rudy nodded, breathing deeply.

           Chase shoved his hands into his front pockets, nodding slowly. “She’s a lot prettier than any picture.”

           Rudy knew this. Chase breathed deeply and nodded his head, “Come on, man. Jamie broke out the tequila.”

           Rudy preferred beer, but if he was going to go back to a party and watch you be with Tucker instead of him, then he’d need the tequila. As Rudy made his way to Chase, he touched his back, giving his friend’s shoulder a squeeze.

[masc-reader-insertss]

Comfort- kyle spencer

i'm rewatching coven rn and i've been thinking about writing this for so loooong. reader is a warlock staying at the academy, and he and kyle have been dating for over a year when kyle dies. after his boyfriends death he completely shuts down, until he finds out that he has been resurrected by zoe and madison. reader runs to kyle's house to see him, only to find him covered in blood, terrified and confused.

TW!! mentions of death, sexual abuse, dysphoria, suicidal thoughts and self harm

——

y/n had seen a lot of death in his life. at only five, he's been the sole survivor of the brutal murders in his home. the event had traumatised him, and left affected him how whole life. after his parents murder, he had been taken in by his grandmother, and she became the one he was closest too. she taught him everything he knew about witchcraft, he'd been raised on tradition, just like his grandmother had, and when his powers began to show when he'd turned sixteen she had been there to guide him. he was a psychic, only able to see the past at first. as soon as he made contact with someone, he could see into their past. not long after his powers first manifested, he was overwhelmed with death again. his grandmother had fallen gravely ill, a brain tumour was the diagnosis. she's only lasted another week, and y/n was destroyed. on the day of his grandmother's funeral, already so emotionally drained from loosing his only other parental figure, he'd been told that his powers were becoming too strong to go without proper guidance anymore, and since his grandmother had passed, he'd be forced to attend an academy. he was supposed to be sent off to one of the most prestigious warlock academies in the country, but it was clear he would never be able to afford such a place, his grandmother hadn't had much money at all, and it was not anywhere near enough to pay for such a school like that. luckily for him, his grandmother was a very well known, and prized ex student of the robichaux academy, and though there had never been an exception like this before, due to his grandmother status, and the most unfortunate circumstances, cordelia had been willing to help him.

y/n had always been quiet after all he'd been through. he kept to himself most of the time. he'd only been at the party where he'd met kyle because he'd forced himself to try to and finally make friends. he'd already wanted leave only ten minuets into the party, it was all too loud for him, and the smell of alcohol was overwhelming. y/n was sat down on the stairs outside, holding an untouched drink in his hands and staring down at it. "you're new around here, right?" y/n was startled at the sudden voice next to him, and he looked over to the source. a boy his age, with curly blonde hair and the prettiest brown eyes that y/n had ever seen. "yeah.. never been to a party before" he gave a small smile before he spoke up again. "too many drunk people.. not my crowd" kyle laughed, shaking his head a little and holding his hand out for y/n's cup. "i can get you some water, if you want" he offered, and y/n felt his smile widen as he handed the alcohol to the other teen. "thank you.." he gave a small hum, and looked back at his lap, playing with his hands. it seemed like this party wasn't so bad after all.

that night was the first of many that they spent together. kyle was the only person y/n ever fully opened up to after loosing his grandmother. not even a month after they first started talking they developed feelings for each other. any free time they had they spent together, y/n always felt happy with him, and every time they touched, even if y/n always had to keep his hands covered due to his powers, his face would flush red, and he didn't miss the way kyle would look away, as if he were trying to hide his own blush. surprisingly, y/n had been the one to make the first move. they were both curled up on kyle's bed watching a movie when y/n spoke up. "i got something i need to tell you" y/n looked over at kyle, his nerves growing as he waited for a response. kyle hummed quietly and reached for the remote to pause the movie. y/n was different to anyone else kyle had met before, he felt more comfortable with him than he'd felt with anyone else. he was the first person that he hadn't grown up around that he'd come out to, and of course y/n accepted him, in fact he was the only person to know who didn't see him any differently afterwards. "what's up" he smiled, tilting his head a little while he listened to y/n

y/n hesitated before he continued to speak, biting his lip a little. "i- i like you kyle, like.. really like you" he spoke so quietly kyle almost couldn't hear him. "and i know you probably don't feel the same way but i just- i needed to tell you and.." before y/n could even think he leant in to kiss kyle, and as soon as their lips touched y/n knew that kyle felt the same way, he could see it. when they both pulled back they both grinned at each other, and kyle took y/n's gloved hands, holding them gently. "i like you too" he leant in to kiss y/n again, at least he attempted to, but all he could do was smile against his lips, and y/n did the same, letting out a giggle. after everything he'd had to deal with in his life, y/n was finally finding happiness.

y/n was always there for kyle no matter what, there were countless nights spent with y/n holding kyle close and comforting him while he cried in his arms, overcome with dysphoria. y/n would always kiss away his tears and gently run his hands through his hair to soothe him while he reassured him that he was the most handsome man he’d ever seen, and it would always end with kyle falling asleep curled up against him. y/n had never know. what true love felt like till he met kyle, and kyle always told him that he felt the same. the two were so madly in love with each other, there was no denying it.

the night of the party y/n had a feeling something was going to go wrong. it was a gut feeling that he had, and he just couldn't shake it. kyle could tell that something was wrong the moment he'd walked through the door, and when he came up behind y/n to wrap his arms around him he'd flinched. kyle had never seen him flinch before. "hey, what's wrong?" he frowned gently as he leant in to press a kiss to y/n's cheek, and y/n signed quietly, placing his hands over top of kyle's hands. "i just.. feel weird.. like something's off" he mumbled, turning his head to kiss kyle for a moment. "if you don't wanna be here, we can go hang out in the frat's bus till the party's over" he offered, but y/n just shook his head. "i'm sure it's nothing.. i'll be fine" he forced a smile and looked up at kyle. he didn't want to ruin the party for his boyfriend, whatever it was, it couldn't have been anything severe. he would have been able to see whatever it was if he needed to, he was sure of it, but when he'd seen kyle run off frantically after the rest of his frat brothers not even half way into the party though, he began to wonder if he'd been wrong.

y/n began follow after his boyfriend till he was joined by zoe. "those sick fucks- they hurt madison!" she yelled, and y/n frowned in confusion, following zoe out of the house as they chased after the group. "kyle was chasing after them, like he was pissed at them or something.." he mumbled. before they even had a chance of catching up with any of the guys from the frat though, the bus was already speeding off down the road. "they can't get away with this.." zoe whispered as they both watched the bus. "whatever they did.. kyle won't let them get away with it" y/n looked over at madison as she joined them silently, and he pulled off one of his gloves to gently place his hand on her arm, and what he saw made him want to be sick. he knew now why kyle had been so frantic as he left.

y/n wrapped his arms around himself as he looked back at the bus. "how could anyone-" y/n was cut off when he watched the bus his boyfriend was in go flying through the air, and in that moment he could feel his heart stop. the bus tumbled down the road, and y/n brought his hands up to his mouth in a silent scream, dropping to his knees. the world around him seemed to fall silent as he hit the pavement below him, he could only hear a distant screaming, and he soon realised it was his own as he curled over on the ground, sobs of pain radiating through him. the bus had come to a stop now, and y/n scrambled to get up, his shaking legs giving out each time he tried to stand. "kyle- oh god" he whimpered, looking over at the bus that lay still only a few yards down the road. the love of his life was in that bus right now, and y/n already knew he was dead. he understood now what that feeling deep down inside was now, and kyle was dead because he hadn't listen to that feeling.

y/n shut himself off after that night. he had barley slept, every time he closed his eyes he saw kyle's lifeless eyes staring back at him, and he would break out into hysterical sobs, clawing at himself till he bled. nothing anyone could say would bring him any comfort, and he spent almost all of him days curled up in his bed staring at the wall till he would inevitably pass out from sleep deprivation, and even then, the nightmares would wake him up not long after. it was always the same one, the morgue, kyle's mutilated body laying on the examination table, and he'd always wake up screaming again. all he wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms again, without kyle it felt like a part of him was missing, and he'd never feel whole again.

"y/n.. you have to talk to us" zoe sat outside the door to y/n's room, leaning her head against the door. y/n hadn't spoken a word to anyone since the night kyle died, and they were all worried about him. they could all see just how much y/n and kyle loved each other, any time they were around each other it was obvious, it was the only time y/n ever truly smiled, and so they all knew just how much it killed him when he died. that was why when madison had suggested the absolutely insane idea of bringing kyle back to life, she had agreed. it was risky, they barley knew what they were doing, and it was even more risky when they decided to give him a new body, it didn't feel right to bring him back in the body that had caused him so much pain before he died. they weren't even sure if it would actually work, but when it did, it was obvious that it hadn't worked the way they intended it to. kyle was alive, but he didn't seem at all human.

zoe wanted to tell y/n that kyle was alive, but she felt like seeing him this way would only hurt him even more. they'd tried everything they could to fix him, but nothing worked. it was a last ditch attempt, the only thing she could think of that might help fix him would be to take him back home. there was a small click, the sound of y/n turning the lock, and then the door slid open, y/n slowly peaking out from the open door. "i miss him" was all he said, and he sounded so broken that zoe just had to tell him. "he's alive.. we brought him back but- but he's not.. him" zoe looked over at y/n, and his eyes widened at her words. "where is he?" y/n whispered, his mind raced as he tried to process what he'd just heard. "he's at his house, i wasn't gonna tell you yet because something went wrong.." y/n leapt forward and threw his arms around zoe, hugging her as tight as he could. "thank you" his eyes brimmed with tears, but for the first time since that night, they were tears of happiness. kyle was alive, and he was going to see him again.

no matter how many times zoe tried to warn him, y/n didn't listen. the only thought on his mind was seeing his love again. as y/n arrived at kyle's house, he could immediately sense something was wrong. the door was already open when he went to knock, and when he called out, there was silence. slowly he made his way through the eerily silent house, and when he reached kyle's room, he let out a gasp at the gruesome sight in front of him. kyle's mother lay dead on the floor, her head wide open. y/n stumbled back in shock, spinning around when he backed into something. it was kyle, he was standing right in front of him, covered in blood. y/n was silent for a moment as he looked up at him, tears rolling down his face when he finally spoke "what did you do kyle.." he whispered as he slipped off his gloves and reached up to cup kyle's face, flinching when his wrists were grabbed. "i'm not gonna hurt you" he spoke gently, looking up into kyle's terrified and confused eyes, and when kyle slowly released his grip y/n reached up to hold his face, his eyes widening while he let out a sob at everything that flashed through his mind. "oh god.. i'm so sorry" he cried as he pulled his hand back, throwing his arms around kyle. kyle let out a grunt, leaning against y/n as his arms hung limply at his sides. y/n could see now what zoe meant. kyle was here, but he was different, in a bad way.

y/n pulled back and looked up at kyle, reaching a hand up to brush his hair out of his face. "you're covered in blood.. let's get you cleaned up" he spoke softly, taking kyle's hands to gently lead him to the bathroom. he could see the scar around his neck under his shirt collar, and it made his heart hurt to think about just what he looked like before he'd been sewn back together. kyle could only let out groans and grunts as y/n set him down on the edge of the bath. y/n hesitantly reached his hands forward to begin to unbutton his shirt, his eyes widening as he slipped it off of him. "they didn't tell me they did this.." he whispered as he ran a hand over kyle's chest, looking up at him. kyle stared back at him blankly, and y/n knew he probably couldn't understand a word he said. it was like he wasn't even human anymore.

y/n helped kyle into the bath kneeling down to run his hand through his hair. "i'm so sorry.. i should have known something was gonna go wrong that night.. i could have stopped this" y/n watched kyle with tears in his eyes as he stared back blankly at him. "i wish you would just talk to me" kyle reached a hand out shakily and slowly placed it on y/n's cheek, and y/n leant into his touch, closing his eyes for a moment. it didn't feel right, this wasn't kyle. not really. he was only a shell, barely even living. y/n pulled back from kyle's touch to start washing the blood from him. kyle would flinch every few moments, and y/n pulled away after a few minuets with a quiet sigh. "you're making this much more difficult than it needs to be" he mumbled and shook his head, reaching for a towel. he turned around, holding his arms out for kyle to come towards him.

before y/n had even realised his mistake it was too late. kyle shot up from the bath in panic, and y/n stepped back, looking up at him. "i'm sorry kyle, i didn't mean to-" kyle let out a yell, swinging his arms out at y/n, who fell back with a yelp as he was hit in the chest. nothing he could say would calm kyle down, all he could do was cower against the wall as kyle yelled and screamed and stomped around. "i'm sorry.." he whimpered, pulling his knees to his chest as he watched kyle. kyle tugged at his hair as he stomped around. he could hear y/n trying to talk to him, and he wanted to talk back so bad, but he just /couldn't/. he didn't know how. no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't get the words out, and it made him so frustrated that all he could do was scream. he didn't want to hurt anyone, but he couldn't control himself. he was scared, so scared, he didn't understand what was wrong with him. he could see y/n, and he was scared, terrified, of /him/. kyle dropped down to his knees in front of y/n, tugging at his hair with a quiet sob. all he wanted was to be normal again, he was sick of being this monster.

y/n hesitantly moved forward to wrap his arms around kyle, and this time kyle hugged him back, burying his face in y/n's neck as he let out another broken sob, mumbling incoherently. y/n held kyle close, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, just like he’d done so many other nights, before all of this had torn their lives apart. "it's gonna be okay, i've got you.. i promise i'll take care of you this time" y/n whispered, stroking kyle's hair gently as he clung to him. y/n didn't know what he was going to do, but he knew that he had to fix kyle, he had to be there for him, he /wouldn't/ fail him this time.

[maree-ff]

And She Roars

[CAMILA]

“Andre, I don’t know about this.” I said suddenly. He paused his walk to give me this evil stare. 

“You’re worrying too much love, can you stop? Please?” Andre resumed his prance around the room hoping that Jorden will stay asleep as he moves. Every couple of days as of the last few weeks, Jorden has woken up from a nap, screaming bloody murder. His episodes wake up the entire house. The girls are both extremely agitated at this point time so the energy in the house has shifted all the way left. So Andre and I are finding new methods to make sure Jo gets the proper amount of rest just like the rest of us. 

Some of our friends have invited us out for the day being that we haven’t spent much time out of the house lately. I am the one whose more so been stuck here at home with the baby but that’s by choice. Since Jorden’s homecoming I haven’t cared enough to be social with anybody except for our family. To simply put my current feelings on staying home, I’m focused on taking it easy and being a good mother. 

I have not seen much of the outside world for a month and a half as of yesterday. Andre and Jessica both think I need to step away and regroup for at least a few hours but I strongly disagree. No amount of alone time compares to the minutes I spend with my babies. 

“Get dressed Cam, we’re supposed to meet everybody in an hour and you’re still sitting there in the same clothes you slept in. We’re going. Get up please.” Andre walked out of the room and looked over his shoulder once he touched the first step. “You better be  standing in front of that bed, dressed and ready to go when I hit this last step.” He warned. 

“Or what?” I challenged playfully. “What are you gonna do?” I laughed at how serious he looks holding our knee deep in sleep baby who is drooling on his daddy’s favorite shirt. 

“That ass is mine.” He pointed at me and disappeared from view altogether. Just as I heard Andre begin to speak at an inaudible volume to our baby I felt myself grow hungry. 

I can’t fight the urge to eat so I don’t have a choice but to wash up and put some clothes on. Taking into consideration that Jorden will be fed a number of times while we’re out, I searched for tops that I can easily alter. If I don’t have time to take off anything I need a blouse that can be unzipped or unbuttoned. 

“What to wear, what to wear..” I muttered to myself. Fumbling through my selection of blouses, sweatshirts, and button downs I pulled down a possible contender. This might work. Hurriedly I put one of my softer bras on and the sweater directly on top. Walking over to the mirror I buttoned up this top to where I like it, modeling for my own pleasure. I don’t remember the last time I even touched this sweater and I’m quite surprised at how complimenting it is to my skin tone. There is still room for me here is interesting too. It’s predominantly cognac colored body and cream buttons seems to be lifting my mood. This is a really pretty sweater and to think I’m just now putting it on. 

Finishing up in our closet I gathered all of my things and stood in front of the bed. When I saw Andre take that final step onto this level of the house with the baby and his bag I smiled. “The ass still belongs to me.” I said smartly. 

He walked into the room laughing quietly to himself. 

“What’s so funny, huh?” I questioned. Going around the bedroom I partially shut the blinds and re-made the bed. 

“You. You’re funny. Are you ready to go?” Together we left the house and we’re off to meet our friends. Jorden is still very much asleep leaving me the opportunity to talk to Dre. 

Turning the radio down I shifted in my seat watching him drive. To this very day I still question a few moments of our past. Like why did he really approach me at the bar? Did I look appealing to his eye from wherever he stood or sat? Was he bored and needed something to do? I still wonder what was his drive to get to know me. And even after the night we met he stuck around. Andre was there during times he didn’t have to be. 

“What are you thinking so hard about over there?” Andre freed one of his hands to push my some hair from my face. 

My head swiveled to the left to glance at Jorden’s car seat. I don’t see his feet moving meaning that he’s still asleep. “Just reminiscing about a few things. ‘S it weird that we have a baby now? Together? Personally I still feel surprised that I bore another human being and that he came from you. For so many years until you came along I was solid on not having more children. I was very much against it. Then you worked your magic on me little ol’ me and look where we are.” 

“Yeah I agree. I think it’s a blessing that I get to be apart of at least one of my kids lives at the start. I’ll never be able to take back my absence in Zoe’s youth. I’ll never be able to take Damon’s place as the reason you had Kenja. But I can make up for all of that with him. I feel like I’m getting a do over and I feel good about what this chapter is gonna bring us.” He explained. 

I grinned proudly at his response. “So I have something to confess and before you assume or freak out it’s not bad.” Pausing to catch his concerned eye I continued after I took a breath. “What am I supposed to do when Jo gets hungry?” 

Confused and chuckling airily Andre made a sudden turn. “That’s a trick question isn’t it?” 

“No Andre it’s not. I’m serious. What am I supposed to do?” I reiterated hearing slight movement from the backseat. 

“Uh...you feed him. Why would you even ask me that?” He quizzed again still not seeing where I’m coming from with my concern. 

“This is the first time he’ll be taken out of the house except for his checkup a few weeks ago. I’m scared to feed him in public.” Shifting back around to face the windshield I clasped my hands in my lap. 

“Oh, oh I get it. I get it now. Look baby, you don’t have to worry. It doesn’t matter where we are or who we’re with, if Jo gets hungry you do what you need to.” Andre says simply as if publicly shaming mothers for breastfeeding isn’t a real issue. This is a global issue for all mothers. Everyone knows the science of how babies are made and what they need to survive for at least the first year of life, etc. The problem boils down to some random idiot feeling offended by seeing a mom feed her baby. 

“Dre, you’re seriously missing the point. I’m scared to feed him in public because I don’t want to be shamed or judged for doing my diligence as a new mom. I don’t want to be forced to leave any establishment or go hide somewhere just to feed my baby. Not to forget that we’ll be with our friends and the last thing I want is to make any of them uncomfortable if some shit starts because of me.”  I rest my case for the time being. I expressed my feelings and my fears but I’m praying for a smooth and fun outing. 

[AUTHOR]

Stepping out of the car Camila looped her purse over her shoulder and closed the car door. Taking a step back she pulled on the handle to grab the baby from the backseat. She got the belts unbuckled and was onto picking up the car seat until Andre took over. She sighed and allowed him to finish what he started. 

She studied the parking lot spotting a couple of familiar vehicles that belong to her friends. 

“Are you still worried? Was it I who upset you?” Andre asked. He stood tall and switched their positions keeping Camila and the baby closest to the car. 

“I never said you upset me and yes, I’m still worried. We are the only couple in our circle of friends who are parents. They won’t understand. Although they’re all great people I don’t want them to feel obligated to stick up for me.” Biting her lip Camila looks around to check out the scenery again. 

“Look at me,” Andre held her by the shoulders, softening up his grip every few seconds. The pair exchanged pleading looks of concern over the subject at hand. “I understand where you’re coming from and I’m sorry that you feel this way. Regardless of how this goes, I want you to remember that you deserve this. After the year you’ve had, I want you..I encourage you to enjoy being around friends. You put yourself on the back burner most of the time so just for once take it easy. Can you do that for me? If not for me then for him.” His sweet bargain lifted some heavy weight from her heart and mind. 

Camila vowed to her man and herself that she would indeed attempt to see the bright side of their outing. When they touched down in the restaurant Andre spotted his one of his closest friends, Tariq. Pushing the stroller, Andre escorted Camila over to the long table that their friends had reserved. 

“Well look at this, a sight I have been dying to see.” Tariq chuckled warmly. He stood up and walked over to Andre, gripping his hand. hugged, separated and briefly chopped it up. 

Tariq’s girlfriend appeared from the restroom along with some of the other women who were apart of the group. “Camila, you look damn good. And to think you had a baby in there almost two months ago. How are you?” She smiled, wrapping her arms around her friend. 

“I’m good. Tired most of the time but I swear I’m not complaining. How have you all been?” Camila and the ladies began chatting up a storm and making up for lost time while the men did the same. Everyone was still talking as the couples sat next to their significant others. The warm atmosphere settled the remaining bit of Camila’s nerves and replaced her anxiety with happiness. Even without saying it aloud, she can’t deny how great it is to be amongst people in her age bracket. She’s going to have to thank her man later on for convincing her to get out of the house. 

“Two young children and a newborn? How does it feel to be parents to three?” Tatia asked, eyes shifting between Andre and Camila. 

Exhaling through her nose, Camila sat back against her chair and crossed one leg over the other. She nudged Dre inspiring him to answer. 

“Having three kids in the house only feels different when trying to entertain them all at once. It’s not too hard though. The girls love being involved as much as they can. Whether they’re helping bathe him, read to him, play with him and so on. You name it and his sisters are right there learning as much as they can absorb at one time.” Andre explained as two servers approached the table. 

Both servers took the groups drink orders and left. 

“So, Cam I have to ask you something but you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Scooting closer to the table Jhessi leaned into her fist waiting to see if Camila would take the bait. 

“What is it?” Camila smirked. “What do you want to know?” 

“Is the sex better when you’re pregnant? I’ve heard tons of stories from previously pregnant women and they all say the same thing.” The ladies snickered in unison while their mates looked slightly uncomfortable yet curious to know. 

Peering into Jorden’s car seat to check on him Camila was happy to see that he’s awake. Instantly she thought of the perfect response. “We have three kids for a reason.” She stated with pride. Although she and Andre know the true breakdown of her words, the fact remains true. Their sex was amazing while she was pregnant. It always has been but the feeling of euphoria was amplified during this past year.  

“Enough said.” Jhessi smiles with satisfaction at the answer she received. 

“Anywho..how’s your brother doing, man? I tried reaching out but I haven’t heard back from him.” Sean, Andre and the guys began discussing all topics sports, work, and the do’s and don'ts they’ve picked up in relationships. The women spoke on health, kids, lifestyle and beauty. The conversations were flowing all throughout the group. 

The servers returned with the drinks and began taking meal orders. Just then the baby started fussing not realizing how loud he was being. The others continued on with getting their orders straight while Andre helped Camila prepare for baby Jorden’s first feeding. 

“You brought his blanket didn’t you?” Camila frantically questioned. She hugged her baby close seeming to calm him a tad as Dre searches through his diaper bag. He found the blanket printed with cute zoo animals and gracefully draped it over Camila’s shoulder. She caught the eye of the young male server and froze. 

“Cam, what are you doing?” Andre rubbed her arm noticing she seemed frightened to carry on with feeding their distraught son. “Babe..feed him before he gets really upset.” He advised strongly yet respectfully. 

Camila’s eyesight bounced between the waiter and her man for several minutes. The nerves took over her entire body and instead of expressing what’s going on in her head, she wants to flee. Getting everything prepped, Camila connected the bag to her shoulder and rose up from her chair. 

“What are you doing?” Dre whispered, standing up just as fast. 

“I can’t do this out here. I need to leave.” She panicked quietly. To avoid anymore attention Camila took one step around her fiancée only to be stopped. 

Andre spoke discreetly in her ear, encouraging her to sit back down. He pushed aside his need for food to help Camila feel a little more comfortable about staying put to feed their son. As the server battled in his own mind what to do next, the couples’ friends spoke on their behalf. 

“We need a little more time. Give us ten more minutes please.” Tati said to the waiter. He nodded surely and tended to the rest of his section. 

“He’s gone, Camila. You don’t have to feel afraid anymore.” Sean jumped in. 

Camila and Andre both turned their heads to rejoin the group in a new discussion. 

“Yeah, don’t worry about anyone of these people in there. We understand. Feed your baby.” Jhessi and her man both showcased smiles in solidarity. 

“I just don’t want that guy to come back and say something.” Andre removed the bag from Cam’s shoulder and held onto the blanket momentarily. 

“He can eat a dick. You don’t owe any of us or the people who work here an explanation. Do what you have to. We got you. All three of you.” Tariq and Tiffany spoke simultaneously. 

Camila took one final look at her baby and couldn’t deny his demand for milk any longer. She got set up with Andre holding the blanket up to aid in her privacy. For a minute she struggled to get Jorden to latch on. When she sat back and relaxed, so did the baby. His eyes closed the second he got his first taste of milk since this morning. Taking a noticeably loud breath in and out Camila gathered her hair in one hand and tossed it behind her back. 

“Is he okay?” Andre tucked the blanket into the back of Camila’s sweater and fixed her earring. 

“He’s okay. Scratching me to death but he’s okay. Thank you.” She smiled feebly. 

Nodding and matching her smile Andre kissed the only hand she had free to move around. 

“Any advice for someone who might be trying to start a family?” Deon cleared his throat, picking up his glass. 

Andre tilted his head sideways, shocked at what he heard. “Y’all trying? He asked. 

Exchanging looks Deon and Ryan sipped their beverages. 

“What?” Andre gasped in surprise. “You’re serious? You want to be a dad? I thought kids were a deal breaker for you.”

Shrugging, Deon avoided making eye contact with anyone in the group. Ryan chose to plead her case despite the blush in her cheeks. “We’ve been talking about it but we haven’t come to a consensus on whether or not we really want to start a family or not. That’s why we were hopeful you two would be here to eat with us. We want some advice.” 

Relaxing a bit more, Camila cuddled the baby closely. 

“Go ahead. Be honest.” She nudged Andre’s arm to speak. 

“It’s an adventure. Nothing short of it. As far as advice and tips go...make sure you both want to be parents before there’s a baby. I can’t speak for Cam on what it’s like but what I can say is, being a dad is the most rewarding feeling I’ve ever experienced. There’s nothing better than having a small version of you and your lady molded into one human. They look up to for every single thing and that has its challenges alone but still, being a parent is pretty damn amazing.” Andre cheesed with pride just speaking of his children. 

“Being pregnant is unique for every woman. What I experienced and felt carrying Jorden is different than the next mother’s pregnancy. There are plenty of pros and cons but the final phase of the journey is life changing.” Cam added. 

The waitress returned alone this time ready to take on the missing food orders. Once she had verified what everyone wanted and promised to return as soon as possible. 

“How old y’all think she is?” Sean said. 

Everybody read each other’s facial expressions trying to come up with a unified answer. 

“My guess is late twenties.” Camila assumes first, rocking gently from side to side. 

“Nah I say she’s still in school. Maybe her second year in college.” This go round Tariq noticed the male server from across the room. “I swear if he has anything negative to say I’m gonna have some words for his ass.” 

Tiffany and the other women searched the restaurant not seeing the waiter. “Calm down Riq it’s not that serious. We don’t need to draw any attention to us just because that kid has a staring problem.”

“Exactly. Everyone just leave this and him alone.” Camila huffed. 

“Well...I think I can help clear down some of this frustration from the air. I want to make a toast.” Rising to his feet Sean held his empty beer bottle in the air earning a hearty laugh from his friends and the women. 

“Don’t you need at least a half full bottle or partially full to make this toast count?” Jhessi chuckled.

“Hush ya mouth girl and let me speak.” Pointing to Jhessi with a butter knife Sean dusted off his shoulder earning more laughs. 

“These friends of yours are something else.” Camila giggles, checking on Jorden once more. 

“I love these idiots. Is he still eating?” Andre scooted closer to his girl wanting to see their son in action. Nodding, Camila spread the blanket out exposing Jorden a tad more. “Aw if only we could trade places.” Andre’s cheeky smile earned him a teasing slap to the head. 

“Stop it. I don’t need any ideas put out there for anyone’s imagination to run wild.” Ending their sidebar, Camila and Andre partook in the ongoing toast. “So what are we roasting to, Sean?” She presumed. 

“Well I’m glad you asked. This toast goes to every single one of us for making it as far as we have. This goes to our friendships lasting this long and as far as God sees fit.” He paused to make direct eye contact with the guys. “Also, I want to make a celebratory toast to my man and his lady on their new addition to their family. I, as I’m sure the rest of us, will honor your family as our own. We will take care of and protect your kids as if they were ours when you are and aren’t present. He’s beautiful and I’m happy that his birthday was a success.” 

Everyone held their drinks up and unanimously agreed to the words Sean spoke. 

———— ———-

Waving her napkin in the air Camila turned away from the group not able to finish the last of her food. She’s too busy laughing her heart away at the awfully sexual joke the Tariq told. The reason she’s finding it so humiliating and humorous is because she and Andre have a personal connection to the filthy jest. 

Patting the back of his sleeping baby Andre swayed in a rhythmic manner, laughing just as hard but quietly. The entire group is weak at the knees and the elephant in the room just grew three sizes. 

Jorden suddenly erupted in tears causing a slight shift in mood at the table. Camila gathered herself and while still laughing she coddled her baby trying to decode why he’s upset. She grabbed his backpack and headed to the women’s restroom to change him. 

Back out on the main floor the adults ordered another round of drinks and food. The women placed a wage that each man could not order a meal they’ve never had and finish it entirely. Disagreeing with the statement the guys placed a double bet that their counterparts could not order a strong drink and finish it without complaining. 

Camila took care of her own bathroom needs, washed her hands and returned to her seat. She tried leaving Jorden in his car seat to get some more sleep but each time she back would away he cried. Rather than further agitating her baby she opted to rock him to sleep. Her efforts to sway him into another nap turned into another feeding session. The waitress arrived with the food and drinks and passed each person their correct order. 

“Cam, Dre mentioned that you only eat plants now. That true?” Deon quizzed, rounding up his fork with pasta. Ryan made him order this pesto pasta filled with a mix of vegetables. She purposely chose this dish due to the amount of veggies incorporated. Deon hates eating healthy so this bet will be a challenge for him. 

Everyone anxiously awaited for Deon’s reaction surprised that he likes the pasta. 

“This is actually pretty damn good.” Deon have his girlfriend a thumbs up and earned a pat on the back for stepping out of his comfort zone. 

“That’s true. I stopped eating meat shortly after I found out I was pregnant and I still can’t stand it. The smell of it used to give me the worst nausea but now I stay away from it and most of what I used to eat. For his benefit and mine.” Camila clarifies. 

“Does that help with the quality and quantity of your breast milk? That’s not too personal is it?” Ryan frantically looked around afraid that she had overstepped her boundaries a little. 

“No it’s fine. My change in diet definitely helps with both the taste and how much milk I pro-” in mid sentence Camila locked eyes with the server and the general manager. She has no idea that her waiter is getting the wrath of a lifetime from his boss about her current activity. Her once relaxed smile transformed into a hard expression that bothered Andre. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, stroking her arm. 

Camila looked down under the blanket determined to pause her son’s meal. He didn’t initially seem bothered by the cut in milk supply but once his mother fixed her clothes and left the table, he was pissed. 

“Where is she going?” 

“Did she see something that we didn’t?” The group had all sorts of questions watching from afar as Camila started a conversation with the waiter. 

[CAMILA]

“I really don’t mean to come off like a bitch but for the love of God..stop staring at me. You’re bothering me and it’s extremely rude. What’s your problem?” I’ve tried so hard to keep my mouth closed but I’m at my breaking point. It’s not just the waiter who’s my problem anymore but it’s his boss too. 

His eyes shifted from my face and assuming the table. Or more so, Andre. 

“Excuse me but I need you to look at me when I’m talking.” I demanded gaining his focus again. “You,” I pointed to the younger guy. “You have been staring at me feed my child on and off and I’m not okay with that. And you,” now looking at the manager. “I can see you talking what I assume is about me from across the room. But instead you being professional and man enough to address me directly you talk to your employees instead. Where do you get off?” 

“Ma’am, you really need to calm down ok? No one was talking about you. I ju-”

“You just what? You what?” I breathed. 

“I think it’s inappropriate for you to be doing that in front of my customers. That’s all. We have a very nice bathroom that you and all of the other mothers can go to take care of any personal needs.” The sheer disgust on this mans face as he’s talking took me to level I’ve never been on before.

Not only am I infuriated for myself but for my newborn son who is completely defenseless. 

“Fuck you. Fuck you.” I made sure to pronounce every syllable so he could catch the attitude dripping off of me. “You’re a disgusting excuse for a manager, a man and a human being for trying to shame and humiliate me for doing my due diligence as a mother. My baby can’t help when he gets hungry and as his mother it’s my job to make sure he gets whatever he needs right away. So fuck you again and fuck your “very nice bathroom”. I’ll be damned if I force my baby to wait so I can go and hide from the world before he gets to eat. If I catch you talking about me one more time without coming to me up front I will ruin your day and you can count on that.” 

Not having anymore to say I turned around to go back to my family and friends. 

“Maybe if you had more self respect for you and your little baby not to whip your tit-”

I believe the devil himself took over my body as I felt myself spin around on my heels, walk over to this guy and backhand the hell out of him. It’s funny because it’s like God was guiding my brain to strike him with my right hand instead of my left. I wouldn’t dare cause damage to my ring on someone like this. He laid out clutching his cheek and spitting blood onto the floor in silence. 

“That’s for my son. Don’t ever disrespect me or any mother you come into contact with ever again. You people who sexualize what is completely innocent and natural is part of the problem in today’s society. A mother breastfeeding her baby is vital and you of all people should know that. After all you did come from a woman. But then again the devil might have created you instead.” Popping my wrist back into place I straightened out my sweater taking a glance at the waiter. 

He was staring into space with wide eyes and trembling hands. 

“Stay away from me or next time you won’t see the light of day again. That’s a threat and a promise. Your mom should’ve swallowed you, stupid bitch.” Walking away for good and back to my table I only heard the sound of me walking. Everyone was dead silent as I took Jo away from his father and placed him back in his stroller. No one, not even Dre, knew what to say while I rounded up the keys to his car and my bag. Not another word came from me as I peacefully left the building to go finish what I started. 

——-- ——--

“You sure you don’t want to talk about it?” He asked closing my door. 

Moving around him to get Jorden from the backseat I disagreed with the shake of my head. I’m not in a pleasant mood. Nobody I love is the problem. I'm just a tad embarrassed that stupid guy was pointing at me and saying god knows what to that server. Leaving the door open since I can’t slam it I went up to the front door and let myself in. My shoes came off and then I headed down to our bedroom. 

I really need a minute to calm down but I feel gross and the shower is calling out to me. After I rounded up some clothes to cover my entire body with I locked us in the bathroom. Jo and I were inside for over an hour. He had fallen asleep after I resumed his feeding from earlier granting me some kind of alone time. Feeling only a smidge better I wiped my hand across the glass to clear away the fog. As I stared at myself I reflected on earlier thinking of what my mom would say if she was here. 

My gut says that she would be proud that I stood up me and my baby. My gut also says that she would be disappointed in the way that I carried myself. I wasn’t raised to be violent but that man brought another side of me I never knew I had. Looking over my right shoulder I slouched forward and smiled weakly at how cute my baby is. Every minute of discomfort during my pregnancy and the pain of giving birth was more than worth it. Having my mom fly all the way in from Texas just to help me out while Andre was gone means the world to me. She was blessed with the opportunity to bond with her grandson from inside of me and I’m grateful for that. 

Just then he started wiggling around and scrunching up his face. His tiny lips were forming odd shapes as he made little spit bubbles. Selfishly I’m enjoying the show Jorden is putting on for me rubbing his face and poking himself in the eyes, nose, and lastly sucking on his fingers. 

“You will always be worth the fight my sweet boy. You and your sisters will forever be the reason I live and breathe.” 

Seeing the bathroom door open up and Andre walk through appearing upset, upset me. 

“You okay?” He asked me. 

Shrugging I tied my hair up out of my face. It’s time to get Jorden out of this car seat for the night. He’s been back and forth inside of it all day and I know he’s tired of feeling confined. “I’m a mix between embarrassed and pissed off.” Hugging Jo close to my chest I began taking off his top layer of clothes. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you and everyone else. I can’t say that I didn’t intend to cause a scene because I knew very well what I was doing. That doesn’t change the facts by any means.” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself and our baby. Although I wish our day went a lot smoother you don’t need to apologize to anyone, including me. You do not owe anyone an explanation. I’m sorry for how that guy spoke to you and for whatever he said. Don’t tell me because it’ll only make me mad that I can’t ruin his day more than you already have.” 

The rest of the evening I plan on spending time with my babies and their dad. Surrounding myself with my family will guarantee a change of heart and my spirit. The world will know my name and what I fight for if I ever get shamed for my responsibilities as a mother again. 

[g0dblessthefandom]

Favorite Female Characters

Tagged by @mini-oddity​. I’m too excited about this, y’all.  Rules: List ten of your favorite female characters in different fandoms and then tag ten people.

(I’m just going to be a blanket **SPOILER ALERT** for every show here, I’ll tag it just in case, but be forewarned.)

1. Xena (Xena: Warrior Princess) I got to meet Lucy in 2018, and it was basically the highlight of my life. Xena was such a HUGE influence on me as a kid, and I don’t think I ever got over the impact she made on me. Her bravery, her love for Gabrielle, her intelligence, she’s the whole package and spent almost every episode kicking dudes in the face, which is like, the dream. I think that she was very clearly a queer character also made a huge difference for me, because even though baby Frankie didn’t know it, she was gay as hell. Seeing the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle play out and that ‘love that dare not speak it’s name’ was kind of a revelation for me, even though I wouldn’t realize it for a while. 

2. Martha Jones (Doctor Who)

I think there was something so special about Martha Jones that most people didn’t see (youknowwhy.gif). She was more than just that girl who was pining away for the Doctor. She saved the world at one point just because she was willing to put everything on the line, and in some small ways it was for him, but in larger ways it was for herself. In the end she walked away because she knew that she deserved better, and she was right. She was just in general such an awesome character, and I hope that I can  be more like her one day. 

3. Dana Scully (The X-Files) 

Scully was the skeptic, but also, weirdly the believer because she was pretty serious about her faith. I remember having so many feelings about Scully and not really being able to explain them (it was the queerness, Lil’ Frankie), but in general beyond just being gorgeous she was so smart, and so good at dealing with Mulder’s BS. She would take things in stride as well, and made the most of the circumstances that left her in a worse situation than before. She was a scientist first, and so when she was elbow deep in a carcass, giving everyone answers that they didn’t know they wanted, she was in her element. I know that people are aware of the Scully effect, and I think that it’s just a testament to how much of an impact this character had on popular culture. I just loved her resolve, and every time she had a terrific storyline, I cheered. 

4. Captain Kathryn Janeway (Star Trek: Voyager)

I clearly have a thing for no nonsense red heads, so maybe there’s a type here, but also, Kathryn Janeway was an amazing character. I think if she’d been a man she would have gone down as one of the greatest Starfleet Captains of all time, but alas, sexism is a thing, and we’re in the 21st century, not the 25th. Janeway had the absolute worst situation that a captain could ask for, and she made it work somehow. In the end, she gave everything to make sure that her crew (both Maquis and Starfleet) could get home safely, and that’s what a good captain does. I first talked about this in 2007, so, yeah, you know that I mean it. Captain Janeway had to navigate a world without Starfleet, and in her own way manage to build a crew and keep a ship going through the most desperate of conditions, and I think she did an amazing job. (It’s also just a coincidence that my favorite episode is ‘Year of Hell’ where she gets to run around in a standard issue Starfleet tanktop and shoot people)

5. Santana Lopez (Glee)

If you follow my blog, it will come to no surprise to you that I flipping love Santana Lopez. Played by Naya Rivera, she’s one half of my Forever OTP: Brittana. And Santana on her own is a fantastic character. She comes out to her grandmother, and faces shame, and struggles with some life choices that she was once sure about. She goes from being this grade A butthole who’s dealing with her own problems, to caring about those people who are the closest to her, and in a way, finding her own family. It’s a really beautiful journey, and when it was given the time that it deserved on Glee, I think that the show was better for it. Of course, her being so talented didn’t hurt either. 

6. Dr. Joan Watson (Elementary)

I’m the kind of her that will pretty much appreciate a genderbent anything. When I heard that a new show was coming out about Sherlock Holmes and they were changing Watson to a woman, I was pretty excited. When I learned that it would be the love of my life Lucy Liu, I was ecstatic! Watson is very much the chocolate to Sherlock’s peanut butter, but their relationship is so good and so real that it’s just the icing on the cake (mixing a lot of food metaphors, so bear with me). She’s a scientist (doctor/surgeon) like Scully, but she’s changed careers and now she works as a sober companion (at least at the beginning of the season). Of course, the reason that she and Sherlock get along so well is because Watson is smart. Super smart. Sometimes smarter than Sherlock, and he readily admits as such. She was her own woman and she made Watson into someone who was on par with Sherlock, and a force to be reckoned with in her own right. And, of course, they were best friends. 

7. Carol Susan Jane Danvers (Captain Marvel)

I was a big fan of CM before the movie came out, so I’ll mostly talk about the comics, but Captain Marvel in every incarnation is a terrific character. I first read Civil War II with her and Tony Stark going at it, and I couldn’t help but appreciate the passion that she brought to the table. Carol Danvers is the kind of character who, right or wrong, just does what she’s going to do, and you know that her heart in the right place. In the comics, she has a relationship with Rhodey, and that makes for some interesting drama. She’s the kind of person who punches first, asks questions later, and it’s that kind of himbo energy that makes me love her. She goes all in, and god help you if you get in her way. 

8. Eleanor Shellstrop and Tahani Al-Jamil (The Good Place) Is a twofer cheating? Probably. Do I care that much? Nah, son. For the record, I do ship Cheleanor, but I love these two together in every single imaginable way. They both have their own baggage, and come from less than ideal backgrounds (Eleanor generally, and Tahani because of her family life), but they have learned and grown so much over the last four seasons and I can’t wait to see how things turn out for them. They’re also such good friends, so I really appreciate their relationship with each other. Neither really had friends in their “real” lives. (Even though Tahani pretended to) The fact that they have each other, and really care for each other, just makes both of them so much better in my opinion. I was rewatching the first season and during the episode where they both confess their feelings to Chidi, Eleanor says that she’s going to make sure that they don’t become like to women feuding over a guy, and they proceed to spend a terrific day together. That’s female friendship right there! I love this show in general, it’s definitely my favorite on TV right now, and I’m so glad that it’s on! 

9. Zoe Washburne (Firefly) I have shipped exactly three het ships in my entire life: Rick and Evie O’Connell, Eleanor and Chidi and Zoe and Wash. I dunno, it was something about their relationship that just moved me. She loved him, and she didn’t care who knew it, and they just had this terribly healthy relationship, and it was stupendous. Sans Wash, though, Zoe is an amazing character. She’s smart, she’s strong, she’s loyal, and she’s played by Gina Torres, who only seems to get more and more attractive as the years go on? Like, I’m not trying to be that person because Gina brings so much to to the table, she’s so talented and clearly intelligent and passionate, but she’s also super duper hot? Like, in the year of our lord 2020? It’s wild. She was also on the Black Lady Sketch Show and she was hilarious, so there’s that. She can do it all! Okay, but back to Zoe, I just love her character, and her relationship with the other folks on the ship. It was something awesome to see. 

10. Sister Night/Angela Abar (Watchmen TV Series) This is kind of a new addition, but I hope that doesn’t make you think any less of this amazing character. Regina King knocked my socks off in the best way imaginable, and I’m just so enthralled and obsessed with this character, I don’t even know what to do with myself. She has such AGENCY and she’s a woman who makes her own decisions and is in charge of her whole life. Dr. Manhattan fell in love with her because despite everything she put everything on the line for him, and you’ve got to appreciate that amount of determination. Of course, I love that she spent most of the show kicking racists in the head, so you know, I’ve got a type, clearly. 

Throwing out a special shout out to: Kelly and Yorkie (Black Mirror), Alex Danvers (Supergirl), Eve and Villanelle (Killing Eve), The Doctor/13 (Doctor Who), Lt. Uhura, and the thousands of other amazing, bad ass female characters that I didn’t mention. 

-------------------------------

So, that’s it. To continue this I’d like to tag @leigh-kelly​ @chuckleshan​ @daborgh​ @battybookworm​ @lesbeauregarded​ @ambirrdy-brittana​ @yourstreetserenade​ @itcameuponamidnightqueer​ @vikingstad1​ @stephanie-beatriz​ @skywalkerchick1138​ @mayqueen517​+ anyone who wants to do this! 

[chocolatemillkk]

Christmas Shopping (JS)

Request: could you write an imagine where joe and reader are best friends and reader helps him with buying zoe, alfie and his friends’ christmas presents. joe mentioned in one of his vlogmas vlogs that he hates christmas shopping so i thought of this, can you make it not romantic in any way pls, that they are just best friends? thanks xx

This is my first platonic imagine I think, hope it was done well! I imagine goofing off involved in a scenario like this with Joe ;) 💙

----------------------------------------

I drop by Joe's flat after work, a bag of takeout in my hand as I ring him with my phone in the other.

"Pick up," I mutter. I was standing outside waiting for him to buzz me in but he wasn't answering. I call him again and finally a sleepy voice picks up.

"Let me in please! It's cold and I have food?" I say.

I'm buzzed in and am greeted with a warm hug from Joe. Joe and I have been best friends ever since he moved to London and we lived on the same floor of our apartments. His crazy pranks with his friends had me helping out on a couple occasions but over time it became more than that, and now I couldn't imagine life without him.

"Were you asleep?" I set the food down in the kitchen and look at Joe's Christmas decorations. "You've finally gotten this place decorated!"

"Yeah, decided not to put it off any longer. Unlike my Christmas presents, I hate shopping for those." Joe scratches the back of his head as he peeks at all the food I lay out. "You didn't have to get all this."

"It's nothing! Back to the important thing: have you not done your Christmas shopping?!"

"It's so hard! And annoying," he groans.

"Joe Sugg there is a week until Christmas! What are you waiting for?!"

"I'm waiting for a few packages from online. And then I'm waiting for a miracle."

"Joe," I grab him by the shoulders. "You and me. Christmas shopping. Now."

"No! Y/N come on I'm hungry, and it's late! You're probably busy too..."

I was not putting up with this. Every year Joe complained about shopping for presents but somehow he managed to get very good gifts even though it cost him his sanity going so last minute. I would try to help this year....after dinner.

"Have you done your shop?" Joe asks me as I shove his coat into his arms as soon as we've finished eating.

"Basically all done, just buying wrapping paper and whatnot."

"Y/N you probably bought all your presents two weeks ago." Joe jokes.

"Actually, I started in November," I say and his expression makes me laugh. "Let's go! Off your bottom into the car!"

Joe grumbles but he follows me out. We drive to Stratford but Joe doesn't get out of his car.

"There are so many people," he stares at all the families walking to and from their cars.

"Joe, are you serious? You've talked in front of thousands of people and you make videos for millions daily!"

"Not daily," he corrects me. I roll my eyes. He was stalling so I do what I have to do. I unlock his door and drag him out. Anyone looking at the scene would probably have called us crazy but Joe and I often behaved ridiculously whether we were public or not. This was just one of those times. Once we make it in, we hit up so many shops I lose count and Joe has to borrow my arms to carry some of his load. He gets most of his friends off the list, we try on a few ugly Christmas jumpers and even buy one for Caspar. He finds a dainty chain for Jack and some lens accessories for Oli. We shop until it's time to find the big gifts for his family.

"What about this for Alfie," Joe holds out a cologne for me to smell and I nearly gag.

"That's rank!" I sputter out as I try to get a good breath in.

"I know!" Joe bends over laughing.

"You knew! I hate you!" I joke. "You watch yourself Sugg I'm getting you back!"

"I'm gonna see it coming," the prank king says smugly. I would though.

"We have to put these bags back in the car if we're continuing," I say once we get most of the gifts and he agrees so we make the trek to the parking garage and I feel so much lighter but I can tell Joe wanted to go by now.

"Tackiest Christmas item," I turn to tell him.

"What?" He asks.

"Find the tackiest Christmas item for each other. 10 pound limit though! Meet me back at that fountain in a half hour."

"I'm gonna win!" Joe shouts as he rushes off to the end of the floor. I head into the closest one, let's see...

•••

"You first!" I squeal. Joe stands with his hand in a bag and a glint in his eye.

"We forgot to say what the forfeit is," he reminds me.

"Okay, loser has to actually use the gift!"

"Deal," Joe whips something out and at first I'm lost in all the colour but then it focuses. A shiny red and green elf hat. As in it had an actual elf head on it. It came with matching elf ears.

"No way, that is horrible!" I laugh.

Joe puts it on his head, "I don't need these ears though do I?" He jokes and crouches down to put on a grumpy elf skit that has me in stitches. He still has another bag so I ask about it.

"Shh," he puts it behind him. "That's your gift."

"Ooh, what is it?" I try to peek but the top is covered in tissue paper.

"Oi," Joe covers it up. "You'll find out soon enough!"

"Fine, you ready for mine?" I ask but pull it out anyway. It was a beard made of tinsel but it also came attached with the world's tiniest hat. Joe's mouth drops open as he looks at it in all it's ugliness.

"I'd say we both did equally well..." he begins backpeddling.

"You are not getting out of this Joe!" I go to reach for him but he scurries out of the way. "Joe!" I shout and earn some irritated looks from passerbys. I go after him, dodging baby strollers and almost knocking down a few kids until I see him waiting for me. I run up, out of breath.

"We both have to wear ours," he pleads.

"Fine!" I grab the stupid hat and put it on knowing Joe was going to look even more ridiculous. Also knowing I popped into the store with the horrible perfume and lightly sprayed the beard. I make sure to take his vlogging camera from him to film his reaction. He puts it on and gags while I cry myself laughing and Joe cries too but it looks painful.

"At least none of your fans will recognise you," I pat his back.

"Y/N!" He complains. "This smells so bad!"

"I told you I'd get you back!" I say, not bothering to hide my victory.

"So you've managed a two-in-one then," Joe shakes his head. I nod, grinning ear to ear. "I have to respect that," he shrugs. Suddenly he pulls me into a hug and rubs the fake beard into my scarf until it smells too.

"Joe!" I cry. I yank the scarf from my neck trying to hold my breath.

"Nobody get the master prankster like that," he grabs my bag from the floor and begins walking ahead of me. I drop my hands in defeat, at least we were getting his Christmas shop done.

[survivorgalaxysedge]

Episode 6 | Your Social Game Is On 0! - MJ

WHOOPS I KINDA DID THAT, SORRY KEEGAN, YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG I JUST NEED EVERYONE ON THIS TEAM TO BE BFFS WITH ME

also just realized that at final 13 i know well over half of the people in the game..... love that for me!! -close with ali, jonathan, and zoe over here both separately & together -mj obvs -cindi and jay are known quantities -jules is great too -so only ones i don’t know.... silver, zach, asya, nathan & jessie i know i can work with at least half of the ones i know, probably more - only real question mark is cindi cuz she was a little sus originally, and jay i hope is still good but i think he and keegan were close so might have to work on explaining that one. but overall, i feel pretty well set for merge whenever it gets here, and hopefully the next couple votes can get rid of some of those ones i don’t know. onward and upward! we’ll see!!!

I don't really do much text confessionals but I just ranted in my host chat so I'm sending it here. ~~This Round~~ this round is gonna be fun, so much fun, and I won't have to do like any gameplay because I think regardless the trian tribe is going to tribal and I wanna see how that plays out, and then if my tribe goes to tribal I'm gonna dip out using my safety without power and let silver kill an og circi since he's gonna pull out that extra vote however, if asya or jules have an advantage / if mj flips that's fine with me too. I'm still debating playing the solar eclipse. I want to cause chaos, and for what? For no reason. *Moments Later* I spun a wheel to determine what I will do this round, and it landed on not playing the solar eclipse and noping out. that's what I'm doing. now you may ask for the strategic value of letting a circi die? Well, if a Circi goes (or two circis go if it's an andro/circi tribal), I'm suddenly 1/2 of my OG tribe left. People may want to pick me up and use me as a number since I will have no allegiance to anyone. This puts me in a lowkey kind of decent position if I lie and say I was gonna be voted out if I didn't safety w/o power. Also playing a safety without power and claiming the magnet would statistically mean I am less likely to have other advantages since other people had searches stockpiled for the swap I'll probably test the waters for a bit after immunity results and then play the magnet to make it look like it wasn't planned and I just got a bad feeling. In other words: I'm turning the crackhead dial-up, it's time for fun! I swear to god if we don't merge after this round I will scream. ~~Planning for the Future~~ oh my god it could be a 10 person merge. because the merge episode is usually episode 8. we're on 6 but that wouldn't make sense to prevent a 5 > 1 person tribe from occurring and 5 votes in a swap seems like a bit much. I feel like at this point I know I probably won't win this game but I'm gonna give them hell while I'm here playing well is boring People on this cast that will probably try to kill me: Cindi, Jay, Nathan, Maybe Jesse? I haven't really spoken much to MJ or Silver, chances are my closest ally is going home this round, Zoe Jonathan and Ari may pick me up if I'm from a minority tribe but dump me very quickly. From my POV the cards are not in my favor, all I have are my advantages so the path of chaos is more beneficial plus I'm sure it's spread I'm pretty good at immunities in merge so they're gonna try to take me out early on like round 1 or 2, So if I want any chance I need to play the following way Since I cannot depend on social connections as much as I normally would 1. Make sure my existing social connections are voted out so that I am not in the group where I don't have the best social connections but I have enough that it is worrisome 2. Play my advantages early in merge if I don't win immunity, cementing myself as a big target 3. Convince people that nobody will take me deep into the game because I have placed myself in the position of a big target 4. Try to get the people that would be 100% against me voted out, while also watching Andro tribe majority. Basically making Andro and Trian fight each other 5. Win immunities near the end and somehow make it deep??? That's my best case scenario at this point in my opinion.

So like we won immunity . Wow see what happens when we actually try? Isn’t that nice . Idc who goes really I can make new bonds or whatever with people if silver goes but in the ideal scenario he will stay. But tbh I have no power over what happens tonight so I don’t care. Hoping merge happens next 

ok so i have a little cute vote chat for me jules and mj. mj is spilling EVERYTHING abt his OG tribe including how they blindsided my wife pippa... rude. also abt his idol searches. he's a smart cookie and one to watch for but i also like him and need friends so<3

THIS SUCKS SO MUCHHHHHH ALI I AM SO SORRY

Having to remind myself that is entirely okay to be vengeful and even be blinded by revenge in these games. I've become way too soft for these things in the past couple of years. As of right now, tonight's tribal council should be 2-1-1, since Zach is skipping -- 2 votes for Silver (Asya, Jules), 1 vote Jules (Silver), and 1 vote Asya (me). If Silver's 50/50 coin lands on SAFE, the it’ll tie between Aysa and Jules and I think I’ll get auto-eliminated if it’s rocks instead of a 1v1 tiebreaker, and I’m OK with that I think! If it lands on NOT SAFE then Silver is leaving, period! And Silver deserves to leave, and I shouldn't feel nervous about taking this shot, no matter if it backfires or not. It makes me feel icky to think that Nathan, Jessie, and Silver were in cahoots from the very start and I didn't care enough to control my own game because I've become too accustomed to jellyfishing my way through ORGs to avoid being pinpointed as a leader or strategist. I'm putting my foot down tonight. I'm taking this shot and if it works, then it's merely the beginning of the end for half of the remaining cast as far as I'm concerned. If it backfires, then oh well, at least I tried something here. NO REGRETS! Anyway, just had the first alliance call with Aysa and Jules and it was great! Good vibes! We just chit-chatted and discussed strategy and previous dynamics. It will be a shame if we don’t get to push forward together after tonight. I’m also telling Silver right now not to play the 50/50 befcause if it doesn’t land on safe then the vote will be 3-2 if Aysa is lying; and if Aysa is telling the truth then he’s wasting a power that he could have later on. It kinda makes no sense for him to use the 50/50 considering the information he’s being told. I’m fine with pitching this to him because he said he was 100% gonna use it anyway, so me telling him not to will either leave things the same or result in him not using it at all. There’s no losing there. The only way to lose is if it lands on safe. The savage in me is saying, no MJ don’t let yourself get auto-eliminated if things go south, CUT JULES! And I realize that that’s exactly how I should be thinking given the first two lines of this confessional!!! But I wanna be a risk taker. I’m fine with this blowing up because the potential reward is greater than me being auto-eliminated. + Jack was rocked out last season so it would be cute to match that if it comes down to it! I hope it doesn’t, but it’s fine either way. I feel like this game owes me. Silver's 50/50 will not land on safe.

ALSO on this alliance call, I was informed that the adventure reset?!?!?!?! AND I HAVEN'T DONE THEM IN A WEEK???? LMFAOOOOO anyway.

AHHHH why did I volunteer to go first in the challenge ugh I remembered the wrong shit lol. But this tribal I dont think I have to use my 50/50 since asya doesn't wanna go to rock so she'll vote Jules with us. So yeah I think I'll be ok. Asya told me Jules is voting MJ. I'm just hoping this isnt gonna be a big blindside towards me but yeah wish me luck 

okay, here's the plan. silver has the glowing orb 50/50 coin thing. i expect him to play it. silver's voting me. im voting silver and so is asya. mj is king of the key here. if mj votes silver and the orb makes him safe, then im gone. if mj votes asya (hang on, ive just had a realization and just had to sit in silence for a while whilst i process it.) okay. if mj votes asya and the coin makes silver safe, it'll be 2-1-1, with a tie between me and asya. which im just now realizing could send it to rocks where mj would be the one leaving............. boy howdy, sure wish i knew how to count. okay, yeah. we'll just hope that the coin lands on NOT SAFE -or- he doesnt play it at all. mj and asya are telling him that they're voting me out, so maybe he'll feel comfy enough not to use it. i dont WANT asya to be voted out, but it's better than me or mj being the vote. if mj gets rocked out by default because i didnt realize how to count....... oops!!! but silver has a bunch of advantages, so him getting voted out would flush those out. asya has an immunity shard and id like to think that she'd will it to me if she gets voted out, but eye dee kay!

AHHH sorry this is coming so late but I've had a busy busy few days, and luckily I've avoided tribal during this time lol So before I was feeling a bit shaky on this tribe, I felt like everyone was more connected to each other than to me. But as it turns out, that's completely untrue and I feel very at the center of this tribe. Nathan and I have had multiple long talks recently where we've decided that we want to stick together deep into this game, and he's given me some info about how he and Silver gave up their immunity shards to Jessie, so she has an idol now. Cindi and I have a connection from our original tribe too and I've been keeping up on that relationship too. I gave her a clue I found during an expedition but nothing really came of it since it's, as far as I can tell, impossible to decipher. If we did end up going to tribal, I would have made a push to take out Jessie TBH, even though she has the idol. I feel like even if Nathan wasn't for it, they'd go for Cindi and not me. But luckily that doesn't matter because we're immune and likely heading for a merge in the next 30 minutes. And if not a merge, than another swap bc I think y'all hosts anticipated that one tribe could have lost all of the last 3 immunities and I don't think you want a 2 person tribe at the f11. But yeah I feel really good about my place in the game, I want Nathan to be my shield for the time being bc he's so vocal and strategic that he will always be a target ahead of me.

I have put so much work in to stay

I BETTER STAY

All this fighting for nothing smh <3 it is not looking good

[machihunnicutt]

Small Hot Chocolate, No Whip (Chapter 4)

(Or read on ao3.)

Chapter 4: Evan

Despite Jared's probing, Evan did know that this wasn't a date. Connor just needed someone to come with him. He probably didn't want to third wheel it with his sister and her girlfriend. They were only getting dinner because it was around dinner time and they'd get hungry otherwise. It absolutely wasn't a date.  

Connor looked nice. He looked distractingly nice and Evan had the strange buzzing feeling he often did in which it felt entirely possible that his stomach would fall out onto the floor: a mess of mucus and half digested food. He thought about a lot of weird shit like that when he got anxious.

"Is Italian alright?"

His jacket cut him nicely and his grin was ridiculously cute. It was nice to have someone excited to see him.  Dinner was nice too. Of course it wasn't a date but it was probably the closest Evan had ever been to one. He felt a little light headed and stupid thinking about it like that. Connor Murphy had probably been on hundreds of dates. He had probably kissed tons of boys and bought them Italian food and grinned his pretty grin at them. Evan wasn't special. He wasn't even on a real date.

It was hard not to feel happy when they got to the showcase. Zoe was nice. She was always nice but it was easier to talk to her now that he didn't have feelings for her. Her girlfriend seemed nice too. Alana seemed like the kind of person who would walk to the end of the earth for a cause or a person she believed in.

Connor went to get lunch and Zoe Murphy turned to look at him. Her sharp eyes were bright and interested. She had her hair pulled back with bobby pins and the more of her face Evan could see the more he connected her expressions with her brother's. They were both open and sly at times. They both smiled at him as if he were the sun. Maybe they did that with everyone but at times it felt like it was just for him.

"So you're friends with my brother now?" She asked. He nodded.

"Y-yeah, we're friends."

"Just friends?" She leaned over the back of her chair to whisper.

"I-I uh...I mean if he w-wanted to I-I'd..." It was rapidly becoming harder to form sentences. He felt his face heat up. Zoe wasn't supposed to know right? She might tell him. But then again she didn't seem the type to go blabbing other people's secrets and he was halfway there anyway.

"If he wanted to be more I would uh...I would really like that."

Her face lit up and she clapped her hands together excitedly. "You have a crush on my brother? Great! Awesome, dude you guys would be great together."

"D-don't tell him please," he squeaked, glancing around to make sure Connor wasn't heading their way.

"I've got you dude, pinky swear." She held out her pinky with a somber expression and he accepted. "Connor's changed a lot since high school," she said, eyes going out of focus slightly. "He has done a lot of work on himself. I'm really proud of him," she added quietly.

"What was he like in high school? If you don't m-mind my asking," he mumbled. He knew Connor had had problems from the scars on his wrists and his accompanying habit of itching at them when he was uncomfortable. Connor thought he didn't see them. He did a decent job of hiding them but sometimes in happy and unguarded moments his sleeves slipped down his arms and he didn't notice. Sometimes Connor wore those scars like fresh and bloody wounds. At least now Evan didn't have to look down at his cast and feel shame bubble up in his throat. Connor would always have a reminder. He would have to make peace with his scars.

"He was really angry a lot of the time and he'd have episodes where I thought he was a different person he was so paranoid and all over the place. Then, you know, he'd snap back and shut himself in his room and sleep for hours and smoke god knows what. He drank...and smoked a lot more than he ever does now. Mom and Dad thought the mood swings were just normal teenage things. They were worried, sure, but when it got to the point where he really needed therapy and medication they didn't want to believe it. I uh..."

She hesitated and Evan stopped to process all he'd heard.

"We didn't have a great relationship. He was really mean and did some uh...some really stupid, hurtful shit when he was manic. But once he got the treatment he needed and we talked about all the shit that went down between us things started getting better. I even joined a support group for family members of people like Connor." She shook her head. "What I'm trying to say is that my brother has come a long way and sometimes I don't think he gets that. He thinks he doesn't deserve to be happy after all the pain he caused but..."

Here she looked him in the eye fiercely. "Evan, the past is the past. You can't change it. All you can do is be the best you you can now. And I think Connor is doing the absolute best that he can."

She was right. Of course she was right. But sometimes the past felt like it was never gone.

"I didn't turn you off him did I?"

"Absolutely not."

Connor came back and they quieted. Zoe winked at him but he didn't think her brother noticed.

Everything after felt like a dream: Zoe's effortless playing, the sweetness of ice cream and chewing on the plastic of his straw, Connor asking him to dance and the feeling of his hand on his waist, his sudden surge of bravery and falling asleep beside him. The next day after Connor left he couldn't get the ridiculous grin off his face. Jared made fun of him good-humoredly but mercilessly as he recounted the night.  

The tears fell uncontrollably and inexplicably the day in the snow when Connor told him how he tried to end it. He didn't know he had those tears. In truth he didn't really realize how much he liked Connor Murphy until he saw him there, snow in his hair, thumbs nervously tracing the marks on his wrists, eyes concerned and full of shame. He thought about what Zoe said. He thought about the reckless and cruel Connor Murphy of high school. He thought about Connor as a scared and angry little kid with no one who believed he needed help. He thought about how different it would've been if they'd met then. Connor Murphy was nice. He was really so nice even if he didn't think so.

It was weird telling someone other than his mom that he'd tried to kill himself. When he broke down and told her it was a release. And everyone who needed to know found out from her. It was hard to find the words at first, like before, but like before it was a release when the words came.

Hugging Connor Murphy was even nicer than when he smiled. He was probably getting Connor's hair damp with his tears but he didn't really care.

"Do you wanna come over and talk a little?"

"Yeah."

***

"Get the fuck out Evan I can't do this right now."

He was so tired. He'd been tired all week. The anxious, awful voice in his head told him all night that he needed to stay up studying or fail all of his finals. The voice was loud: an abrasive shout that made everything around him seem louder. He didn't mean any of it. He didn't mean any of it but it spilled out anyway. He thought maybe his organs were dissolving in his chest, another morbid thought intensified by exhaustion.

"I'm sorry," he said aloud to no one. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Connor."

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

His head pounded and he tried to keep his breathing steady. He should go home. He should go home and get Jared. He always made him tomato soup and grilled cheese when he had a panic attack. He got him water and talked him through it even if it took hours for his hands to stop shaking.

"Evan? Evan are you alright you look...holy shit Evan come in and sit down." Jared's hair was mussed and he had a pencil tucked behind one ear. He had finals of his own. Evan shouldn't have been bothering him like this.

"Evan can you do the breathing like they show you in therapy for me? I'm going to get you some water. You just sit. You're safe okay? Everything's going to be okay."

It didn't feel like it. It took a long time for Evan to calm down and when he did he was out like a light.

Evan Hansen didn't want to be anyone's charity case. Evan could handle things by himself. He had to be making progress. He owed it to everyone around him. If he wasn't making progress why was he even here? Zoe's pride in her brother, her musings about how far he'd come only served to remind Evan of how much he hadn't.

Failure failure failure failure failure failure failure failure fucking failure

He woke up to Jared yelling into his phone. "He came home a mess Murphy, wherever your piece of shit brother is is none of his concern anymore! I haven't seen him this bad in a long time Zoe I don't know what the fuck happened! No you calm down! My best friend just had a panic attack because of your brother I..."

"Jared," Evan interrupted "Jared give me the phone."

"Evan, you need to go back to bed what are you...?" Evan grabbed the phone and supported himself on the counter. He was still a little dizzy with fatigue.

"Zoe what's wrong?"

"Evan? Jared just said you were...are you okay?"

"More or less. Where's Connor?"

"I don't know. I got home and he wasn't here. I've been calling his cell and he's not picking up. He always picks up; we talked about it." He could hear the worry in her voice. "I thought he might be with you. I'm so sorry I called I didn't..."

"No, it's fine. I'm sorry. We had a fight but it's my fault. I'll find him okay? Don't worry."

"Damn you didn't stutter once just then."

"Don't p-push it. I'll call you."

Jared was glaring daggers. "I don't trust him. You need to take care of yourself. You shouldn't be out looking for that asshole."

"He matters to me."

"You matter to me." His voice strained like it was about to crack. On the phone he'd called him his best friend.

"I'll be right back okay? I'll be back and then I'll rest."

"You can't put him over your own health and wellbeing."

"I'm not. I'm fixing something I screwed up."

"Fine." Jared threw his hands up "Find, just drink some orange juice and take a vitamin first."

He called Connor twelve times. On the twelfth call he got a text: Harriisonb Paek. Connor usually made typos but this was a little much. After a second he made out Harrison Park. It was a 5 minute drive.

Connor was on the swing set. He had a bottle of something in his hand and when Evan got close he could smell the pot.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey," he replied, word drawn out and slurred in a way that made Evan's jaw clench.

"What do you have there?" He asked and Connor held up the bottle of whiskey and giggled.

"Don't tell Zoe," he said with a grin. "I just needed something to take the edge off you know?" He scratched at his wrists furiously. Evan thought he saw blood.

"I won't." He kept scratching so Evan kelt in front of him and took his wrists.

"I'm sorry," Connor said miserably. "I shouldn't have thrown you out. I shouldn't have come here. My therapist is going to..."

"I'm sorry okay? I shouldn't have said what I did. You're right. I'm not doing so well and I'm taking it out on you."

"Evan," Connor drawled, reaching out and cupping Evan's face. His wrists were scratched bloody. "I'm a fucking mess Evan why are you here?" Connor did something entirely unexpected: he started to cry, deep, gut wrenching sobs that shook his whole frame. He hiccuped pitifully.

"Con, hey Con it's alright. You're allowed to slip up honey. I'm not going to leave you for that. Tomorrow will be better sweetie." God, apparently he turned into his mother when he needed to comfort someone.

He leaned up to hug Connor, who smelled awful and was getting mucus all over him. "You can't do this again. You can't disappear. You can't worry your sister like that. Or me."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. Let me take you home okay?"

"Okay." He helped him up. Connor was unsteady on his feet. He helped him to the car and he fell asleep in the passenger seat before they got back. Evan carried him to the front door. Connor was surprisingly light. He wasn't sure he could until Connor was in his arms.

Zoe was frantic. She showed him Connor's room in relieved sighs. "I'm so sorry Evan. I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to do this he's not your responsibility."

"It's okay. I don't mind, really."

"Evan," she choked. "Jared said you had a panic attack, a panic attack about my dumbass brother. That can't happen."

"Panic is part of my life Zoe. So is Connor. I'm not giving up because of one rough night."

She laughed. She had been running her hands through her hair nervously but now she was laughing. "He's a lucky piece of shit you know? He's lucky he has you."

"Zoe..."

"I love him."

"I know. He knows," Evan sputtered. Before he could process she was crushing him with a hug. For the second time in an our a Murphy was sobbing on him. He was exhausted but he felt strong.

"You should go. You should sleep."

"Okay," he said. "Tell him to call me."

"Thank you Evan."

"You're welcome Zoe."

***

*incoming call: Mom*

"Hi Mom."

"Hi honey. Is everything alright? You sound tired. Are you eating enough sweetie?"

"I-I'm doing okay. I'm trying."

"That's all you have to do honey. I'm so proud of you."

"I...Mom?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

"Do you think I've made progress since high school? Be honest with me."

"Evan of course you have. You just have to take things one day at a time."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still."

"That's okay. Everyone moves at a different rate. You're doing really well honey. Trust me."

"Thanks Mom."

"So what's new?"

"Um...I kind of met someone."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #98

“white trash, get down on your knees.”

have you ever lied to a person of authority? what did you say? i mean, i've lied to my parents. and i don't know, multiple things that don't immediately come to my head. are your eyebrows darker than your hair? yeah. what do you prefer, lasagna or spaghetti and meatballs? spaghetti w/ meatballs. i don't like lasagna because of the cheese. are all your pets micro chipped? no, but they have tags. would you ever cope in a jail? NO. i would be depressed out of my SENSES. have you ever seen an alligator in person? in zoos as well as the wild. when hurricane floyd like ruined everything, the zoo flooded and was essentially destroyed. apparently, an alligator got out, because i saw one in the ditch once shortly after the hurricane. that zoo was never rebuilt. do you live across from a corn field? no, but i once lived across from a tobacco field. welcome to nc. how long have you been tattooed? if you’re not, do you want to get tattooed?  i got my first for my 18th birthday, so a few years. are you a liberal?  not mostly, but i have some liberal traits, ex. i support gay marriage. were you fearless or a coward in the face of the child hunter in "chitty chitty bang bang?" i'm pretty sure he scared me. i don't remember much about the movie. did you ever hit anything while learning to drive?  i literally almost immediately hit a curb lol. jeff foxworthy, bill engvall, ron white, or larry the cable guy? i enjoy them all, but jeff's gotta top the list. have you or a pet ever gotten a tapeworm? no. i would rather die than get one. i am deathly afraid of internal parasites. do you know any furries? yes. i once lived with two of 'em. do you ever worry about your future? (i.e.: college, marriage, kids, etc)  yes. more than anything, i worry about what my job situation is going to be like. do you snore? steal the covers? roll around in your sleep? I STEAL THE FUCK OUT OF COVERS is the lion the best character in "the wizard of oz?"  i actually like the scarecrow. would you immediately look for someone right after you broke up with your bf/gf? no. it just doesn't seem... right. if you became a doctor, would you help your patients kill themselves? no. just. no. do you tell your best friend EVERYTHING? no. do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? only sara and connie. have you ever tried to learn another language? how did it go? i took four years of german, and i got to the point where i was pretty fluent. it's atrophied all to hell though. have you ever shared a house with a significant other? an apartment, yes. do you have a crush on anyone? tell me about them. i'm dating whom i have a crush on. have you ever had something signed by someone famous? what and who? no. i think. does your father have any facial hair? he has a van dyke beard/mustache. have you ever felt like you were making a mistake when dating someone? oh boy, have i. did you continue the relationship or end it when you realized? ended it. do you think you look similar to your siblings? we have some similarities. ex., we all have the same shade of brown hair naturally. have you ever played cards against humanity? did you like it? oh my actual god, one time when i was at colleen's, we did as a family. we all had a couple drinks, so it was funnier than it should've been. closest i have EVER been to peeing myself. however, it's not as funny with subsequent plays, because you know what cards to expect. do you know anyone who’s lived through a natural disaster? yeah, me and many family members and friends. hurricanes are a common occurrence in nc. how many brothers/sisters do you have? two immediate sisters, one half-brother, three half-sisters. are you lactose intolerant? no. would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?  dude i am the weirdest mix of both lol. how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. they are wonderful ways of expression. i just find some piercings aesthetically pleasing on certain people, while tattoos are how you can easily paint the picture of your life on yourself. list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. i've only been to one, and that was alice cooper. it was very fun, despite thunderstorming the whole time. have you ever been on drugs for anxiety, depression, mental illness? i have been since the 6th grade and i still am. do you like green apples?  only if they're crisp. have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? yes. squeak, harry potter, snickers, and one other whose name i've forgotten... do you shop at hot topic? yes. have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as wicca?  no, but they intrigue me, especially wicca. would you rather be a boy or girl?  a girl. do you prefer to be around introverted or extroverted people?  introverted. not trying to generalize here, but i find they tend to be more insightful. what do you think makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend? i'm devoted and loyal as fuck, very loving, and will emotionally support a partner through thick and thin. what do you think makes you a bad girlfriend or boyfriend? one, my anxiety and insecurity. i've also never encountered this situation before, but i honestly feel that i'd get pretty jealous if he ever hung out with another girl platonically, because i'm immensely paranoid. like do not get me wrong, i wouldn't prevent him from doing it, i'd just be very worried. an issue i'm sure a lot of people would have with me is the fact i'm a pretty big prude. has anyone written a song or a piece of poetry about you? yeah. but i can virtually guarantee he used it on other girls. how many drinks does it take for you to become drunk?  i wouldn't know, considering i've never been drunk. i was relatively tipsy after four bottles of very mild alcohol, though. do you admire brutal honesty?  sometimes. other times it is completely unnecessary. what is your party trick? hiding out in the background somewhere, playing with your pet. <-- THIS haha <<< SAME if you had a mental disorder, what would it be? i'm diagnosed with chronic depression, general anxiety & social anxiety, ptsd (which i think i'm recovered from), and i've heard both bipolar ii and borderline personality disorder. do you think the "paranormal activity" movies were scary? no. i actually liked them. do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? i'm honestly very passive, so aggressive. the last time you drank with someone else or more than one person who was in the worst shape? chelsea always is. she takes two bottles of light alcohol and she's vomiting lol. what would you say is the worst part of high school, period? you're going through it in arguably the biggest time of your life. you are constantly changing and developing and going through so much mentally. you're still figuring out who you want to be. not to mention, you're expected to make huge decisions, all the while still having to ask to go to the bathroom. you have so much responsibility just all of the sudden while your brain is morphing a lot. are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? no. too much responsibility. not to mention they try to get into everything; you can't turn away for two seconds. what is the worst name a friend has ever called you? do you remember? probably just "bitch" or something along the line. no friend has ever called me one to my face, but i can literally guarantee some have. ACTUALLY. to my face, i was called a martyr by my ex's friend after the break-up. and i'm certain he didn't mean it as in "you'd die for your beliefs," he meant it as in "hey you pretend it's the apocalypse to get sympathy."  which is entirely fucking untrue about me. that honestly hurt a lot and it still sticks with me. it honestly made me more uncomfortable to express my feelings. do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? i can't stand colleen's mom because she's a grade-a bitch, and her dad makes me uncomfortable, but he's not creepy. what is your least favorite word? i literally abhor the word "cunt." hurts to even type. what turns you on? various, pretty normal stuff. what turns you off? the usual stuff - bad hygiene, bad manners, etc <–Yep. <<<< I agree. <<<<< same. have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? i've had one since the 6th grade. have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? not a legitimate crush, no. who is your celebrity crush? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) who is your most loyal friend? i honestly feel like connie. we've literally never fought, and she's always been there.

why are you happy, if you even are?

 because i've come so far in my recovery that i have no excuse to complain.

is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?

 yes.

what do you think of when you hear the name mark?

lol you know exactly who i think of.

kristin?

 no one.

zoe?

only the best character from "ssx tricky"

jamie?

 no one.

adam?

alex shepherd's dad from "silent hill: homecoming"

carmen?

the best dancer that was ever at the dance studio i used to go to

do you like fluffy yogurts?

NO. i CANNOT do the texture.

don’t you hate that you have to watch the baby being born in health class?

 i actually never did. but i physically wouldn't have been able to. i would've 100% shielded my eyes.

what’s the earliest memory you have?

walking out into the living room with my stuffed baby bunny and seeing ashley play "medievil" (i'm pretty sure that's how they spelled it). we all used to love that game. we only had the demo disc, though.

do you ever say “fail” when people mess up?

no, but i usually say "gg" lol

how important is it for a significant other to be good with kids?

not all that important considering i don't want any, but simultaneously, i certainly wouldn't tolerate them being mean to kids.

what was the last thing that hurt your feelings? was it warranted or do you think you just took it too personally?

i'd rather just not talk about it, but yeah, it was warranted.

what is your dad’s name?

kenneth, but everyone calls him ken.

does your mother have a sister? if so, what's her name?

 ... wait,

does

she? i don't think so, actually... maybe...

is your favorite color the same as when you were a kid?

 not exactly; my first favorite color was just normal red, now it's maroon.

who last grabbed your ass?

 chelsea lol

have you ever been called a slut/whore?

no, because i am literally the direct opposite. well correction, chelsea, colleen, and alex have playfully, but none of them have ever meant it. we all call each other shit names lol. all in love<3

who is your favorite foreign singer/musician?

 rammstein. they have amazing music and their lyrics are usually pretty cool.

do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (ie abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)?

no. i enjoy people having different opinions.  grow the fuck up and let people think differently.

do you edit any of your pictures? in what ways?

yes. i tend to do general things, like color correction and basic enhancement. sometimes i do more, particularly if it's legitimate photography of mine, in which case i tend to either bump up or desaturate the colors.

who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice?

 colleen

what months were you and your siblings born in?

as far as immediate siblings, april and june, and i was born in february.

do you prefer prince or michael jackson?

jackson. i was never into prince.

do you like spring rolls?

yeah. ruby tuesday's has the best.

when was the last time you painted something?

it's been about a year.

name one favorite thing to do with kids while babysitting.

if they're old enough, i love to teach them how to play games from my childhood. if not, idk. i just in general don't like watching kids.

what kind of things do you post on tumblr?

rhett&link + markiplier stuff, mostly. but i also reblog some funny stuff, plus meerkat pictures.

what band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see?

 none.

name the three biggest things that make up you.

passion, anxiety, dank memage. *finger guns*

what song is your ‘anthem’?

 the song "that's what you get" by paramore reminds me most of myself, particularly the line "i drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating."

which movie villain do you find the most terrifying?

hmmm. a number. i find christabella laroache from the "silent hill" moving frightening (no, i'm not being biased) because she's like the queen example that religion can drive people insane. the joker is also horrifying for the simple fact he's legitimately insane.

do you think frogs/toads look disgusting?

no, they're cute.

what happens when you strongly disagree with someone?

if i voice my opinion, i get very scared that they'll get angry with me. if i don't, nothing. i just accept their opinion.

have you ever been tested for drugs?

yes, while i was at the er for suicide attempts/being suicidal.

do you own any fish? if so, are the docile or aggressive?

no.

if your lover cheated on you and profusely apologized, would you accept them back into your life?

nope.

are you allergic to any insect bites?

no.

who is your favorite golden girl?

rose!!! (:

what is your favorite commercial of the moment?

it is legitimately always going to be the sexy mr. clean commercial lmao

do you have any famous relatives?

 not relatives, but ancestors. we're related to queen victoria and william clark.

favorite album?

"black rain" by ozzy osbourne. i literally love every song on the album and it was my first voyage into heavy metal.

if your son said he was gay, how would you react?

i would be really really proud of him for trusting me with such a thing!!

would you date someone who played video games all weekend long?

 so long he does his responsibilities, sure. let him do what he enjoys.

what are your top three video games of all time?

"silent hill 2," "amnesia: a machine for pigs," and then probably "silent hill 3."

what's your favorite care bear?

i remember i liked the one with a rainbow on its stomach.

state 8 facts about your body.

i'm 5'5''. just gonna say i'm bigger than i'm supposed to be. i have five piercings. my hair is naturally brown, but dyed red. my eyes are blue. the nail on both of my rings fingers is slightly deformed (my sisters' are, too). i have incredibly tiny toes. i wear glasses.

what was your kinkiest wet dream?

 not a kinky person over here.

what song, no matter where you are or what you are doing, immediately takes you back to high school?

 "all signs point to lauderdale" by a day to remember, DEFINITELY.

do you think you could join the army?

no way. i couldn't anyway because i'm mentally ill/have a suicidal history.

would you date someone who has cheated in their previous relationships?

nope.

do you have soft hands? do you like holding hands?

just about everyone who's ever touched my hands tells me they're soft. and yeah, so long they're not sweaty.

do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable?

 to me, it really depends on where you're sleeping.

have you ever failed a class?

 only in college.

have you ever cried over a breakup?

 only for over a year.

are you planning on dying your hair any time soon?

hopefully.

do you feel as though you're good at understanding/communicating with animals?

people have called me dr. doolittle since i was a very young kid for a reason lol

where would you like to spend your honeymoon?  

i actually don't have big plans. i'd just love to spend a little while in the mountains of nc.

what's one thing you collected as a child:

stickers. my dresser at the time was legitimately covered.

what fictional animal do you wish was real?

oh my GOD, the fey dragons from wow. they are fucking adorable and so pure.

have you ever been told you’ve punched someone in your sleep?

lol yeah. sorry, jason.

have you ever written a song or poem for someone special?

 a few poems, yeah.

what is your favorite vampire book/movie/show?

 i remember i loved the book "bite me"

do you actually know anyone who is homophobic?

 yes.

did you ever read "the giver"? see the movie?

i read the book and loved it.

what was your first impression of your best friend?

i don't have a *best* friend, but i'll answer for the two closest to me. one, i don't really remember because we were super super young. the other, oh my god it was obvious we hated each other.

what is your profile pic a picture of?

i'mma just answer for like... all of them lol. main tumblr & youtube: link neal (but i'mma change yt to mark when i'm not being lazy); facebook&this blog: me; deviantart: an oc; km rp: mark fischbach; aaand i'm sure i'm forgetting some

have you ever been dumped really harshly?

very. he dumped me over facebook messenger like a coward, considering we'd been dating for 3 1/2 years.

has a tree ever fallen down on your house?

yes, during a hurricane. i was totally knocked out asleep so i didn't even hear it land directly above my head lol. then at our second house, a tree fell on our fuel tank, literally landing directly beside the cap, sooo we're lucky as fuck it didn't blow up.

would you ever get your hips pierced?

no. dermals sound really painful.

what if someone asked you to be in a relationship with them?

 i'm in a relationship right now and am happy that way.

what will your next piercing be?

my nose.

what do you regret doing at FAR too young?

i'd rather just not talk about it.

marvel or dc?

dc, maybe.

what are you most proud of?

how far i've come

what is your favorite otp?

that actually exists, mark&amy. hypothetically, rhett&link

who is your favorite disney villain?

scar, maybe? OH. maleficent, actually.

did you ever watch "phil of the future"?

 not really. i was never a big fan.

are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy?

sexual activities, sure. sex itself, i wouldn't know.

how old were you when you first became sexually active?

 again, mind you, i'm a virgin, but if you're talking about doing anything sexual, probably 16. maaaybe 17, but i'm pretty sure 16.

would you rather have a pet crocodile or a pet octopus?

 i legitimately wanted a caiman for a while because apparently that's legal lol

where is the last place you’d want to be on halloween night?

 not sure

describe your favorite comedy movie?

my favorite's "white chicks" omg

what, in your opinion, is the most disgusting part of the human body?

i've stated before i have some asexual traits, and part of that is found in the fact i find both genitalia legitimately disgusting.

what feelings come over you when you know you’re falling in love?

i smile a lot and get very shy around the person. looots of butterflies.

do you believe in ghosts, spirits, demons?

yes to all.

would you consider yourself creative and how wide would you say your imagination can stretch?

 i honestly believe i'm creative as fuck. it goes pretty damn far.

if you could go into any video game world, what would it be and why?

"world of warcraft." because. like. just take me to azeroth, pls.  god i am such a nerd.

hamburger or hot dog?

 cheeseburgers, usually.

what's something nerdy about you?

 i am legitimately made of nerdy shit

would you cheat on your significant other if it meant sleeping with your celebrity crush?

no, actually. probably surprising considered how obsessed i am with him lol

how old do you want to live to?

maybe like 75? 80? i don't want to get to the point of being old where i'm like pissing myself and need help with literally everything. that would be legitimate torture to me.

are you comfortable with your height?

 sure.

have you ever slept on a couch with someone else, with whom?

yeah, jason.

do you think the legal drinking age should be changed?

 not entirely. i do, however, believe 18-year-olds should be allowed to drink only if accompanied by an adult.

have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

i have hit rock bottom before.

have you ever been bitten by a snake?

no.

do you like train’s music?

i was a big fan way before they become mainstream thanks to mom.

how’s your relationship between you and your grandparents?

dad's mom is dead, mom's dad is dead, i don't even remember the last time i talked to my dad's dad (but he's suuuuper nice and supportive), and i'm pretty damn sure mom's mom doesn't like me. she's bitched me out before and has said some very rude things to me. i'm not particularly fond of her either, but i try.

has the last person you had sex with ever had sex with someone besides you?

never had sex, but as for the only person i've ever been sex

ual

with, yes.

are both of your blood parents still in your life?

my parents are divorced so i don't really see my dad, but he's still a part of my life.

do you like your best friend’s boy/girlfriend?

colleen's husband is awesome and is quite a bit like myself, but sara's not in a relationship.

have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in?

 yeah.

when you’re interested in someone, do you let them know?

 no.

have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity?

 ha ha omg yeah

what are your parents’ middle names?

 marie & john

in your opinion, which is more attractive: nice biceps or washboard abs?

biceps.  really obnoxious abs aren't that appealing to me.

have you ever been hypnotized?

 no. i don't believe in that jazz.

do you have any lockets with pictures inside?

no.

what would you consider to be the worst television channel out there?

 mtv

do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? why?

no.

do you think age matters in friendship?

 no. i have a friend who's 30.

how old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

i don't want kids. i'm fine with my nieces and nephews.

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

heather (silent hill), tyler is legitimately me (markiplier crew), chase (rhett&link crew)

what’s a popular movie you’ve never seen?

the entirety of "harry potter." and "lord of the rings."

has anyone ever gotten in your face completely bitching you out?

my grandma, yes.

does it annoy you when people use too many emoticons when they’re typing?

it can.

would you ever consider yourself over dramatic?

i can be, honestly.

would you consider yourself more indie or mainstream?

 indie. essentially nothing about me is mainstream.

do you ever use cheats when you play video games?

 no.

has anyone, besides yourself, considered you as a failure?  

most likely.

did you go to pre-k?

 yeah.

have you ever stolen a friend's boyfriend?

not intentionally. then there's the fact we never actually dated.

do you regret it?

 i regret ever being flirty with him, yes.

are you sorry?

 it's only like my biggest regret, so.

who was your first celebrity crush?

probably jesse mccartney lol

would you smoke if it meant getting $30, or do you smoke anyways?

 no.

what school teams or clubs are/were you a part of?

 art honors society, honors society.

do you enjoy going through old pictures?

sometimes. other times, the nostalgia is too much.

is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist?

i honestly find dave mustaine of megadeth to be an awful singer, but somehow, i feel it adds to his charm??

do you tend to get clingy in relationships?

really, it depends on my mood and how comfortable i am with you. i legitimately demand space early in a relationship, and i romantically bond with people very slowly. once i actually feel attached to you, i can be sometimes. other times, i still need space.

have you ever dated outside of your race?

for less than a day, so you couldn't really call it "dating." he was hispanic.

when was the last time you received a massage?

never had one professionally, but jason and i would give each other a massage if we legitimately felt like we needed one.

would you rather have curvy legs or skinny legs?

not like really big, but curvy.

what do you usually put in your omelets?

cheese and ham. man... now i really want an omelet lol

do you like kiwis?

YAAAAAS

do you want any piercings?

my nose will be next, then more in my ears. i also would like a belly button ring one day, but i'd only get it once i'm much smaller. absolutely no offense intended, but i don't think they look good on bigger people like me.

have you ever flipped off your mother or father?

no, but i said "fuck you" to my mother only a few months ago. that went over well.

have you ever bowled a strike?

probably.

which is worse: stale chips or flat soda?

stale chips. flat soda doesn't bother me too much.

have you ever questioned your sexuality?

not seriously. when i had ocd, added onto my anxiety, i got into this totally random repetitive thought cycle that i secretly bisexual. i am in no way bisexual, but it was a random question and then my mind obsessed over the possibility i was lying to myself.

what did you usually pack for lunch at school?

sandwiches.

favorite nonliving musician?

probably freddie mercury. wonderfully talented man.

biggest learning experience of your life?  

holly hill

what’s your opinion on religion in schools?

i believe all of the more common religions should be electives. i know that's a bit unfair, but if we're being realistic, there's too many religions to fit and get instructors for all of them.

how do you decide whether to accept or not accept a friend request?

i have to know the person and like them to accept them.

do you have an unspeakable past regret?

unspeakable, no.

do you litter?

absolutely not.

do you feed your pets gourmet pet food?

no.

were you miserable in middle school?

 i wouldn't say "miserable," but it was definitely the worst school years. it's when my anxiety and depression started, so.

how many people do you know who identify as transgender?

one that i'm certain of. i have another friend that went through a transgender phase.

what is your preferred painkiller?

 advil

what color was your senior prom dress?

black

do you support transgenders being able to use the opposite restroom?

i promise, you don't want my opinion.

do you support the raising of the minimum wage?

yes. you can't live off of $7.25.

are you courageous?

not really, if i'm being honest.

could you ever forgive your best friend for sleeping with your boyfriend?

nope.

do you live with your biological parents?  

with my mom, yes.

do you have a snapchat?

no.

who is your hero?

mark <3

are you allergic to bees?

i wouldn't know. never been stung.

have you ever had stitches?

yes, in my chin.

did you graduate high school a virgin?

 yeah.

would you ever date out of your own race?

 yes.

can you describe your father in one word?

forgiving<3

what’s your favorite movie trilogy?

"shiloh," maybe

do you play any games on facebook?

 no.

do you have a dog?

 we have three.

do you have a step-parent?

 yes, but i don't call her "mom" or anything.

do you like grasshoppers?

they actually kinda scare me, especially big ones lol

do you like laffy taffy?

yeah!

at concerts, do you buy merch?

only been to one, but i did. i'd like to think i always would.

what color is your underwear?  

i don't wear underwear unless entirely necessary. increases your chances of a yeast infection and they're just uncomfortable.

what’s an interesting fact about the state in which you were born?

 it has an abandoned wizard of oz-themed park.

outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus?

yes. i use it occasionally for writing.

do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings?

my mom has her ears pierced.

would you ever stalk a celebrity?  

no. i have respect.

do your parents use social media? if so, which ones?

mom has facebook.

do you believe that there’s good in everybody?

 nope.

person you used to have feelings for shows up at your house, you say:

"get the fuck away from my house" or something like that.

were your parents married when you were born?

yes.

have you ever thought about having sex?

 yeah?

are you available?

 no.

do you live in a big house?

 no.

have you ever flown in a plane?

twice, but the first i don't remember.

do you like mangoes?

 i've actually never had a real mango, but i think i'd like them. i love mango juice.

do you think you’re always right?

 absolutely not. it's a ridiculous thing to think.

what’s your favorite season?

autumn.

best disney song?  

dude let's be real, "be prepared" from tlk was fire

what’s the worst veggie?

 BEANS.

do you like the color yellow?

nooo. it's one of my least favorites.

do you have any old calendars in your room?

i have two meerkat calendars from years ago that are part of my collection.

is it important to you to make a good impression on a bf/gf’s parents?

of course.

are you one of the people who think obama will be assassinated?

well, he obviously wasn't. if anyone's going to get assassinated, it'll be trump.

are you more sympathetic towards animals or humans?

animals, because they have no voice and are never truly do things out of ill intent.

when did your parents stop enforcing curfew?

 i never really had a curfew.

how long does it take you in the shower?

not even 15 minutes. i've never understood how people can take such long showers. do your shit and get out.

ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? what about a lip piercing? nose piercing?

 lip piercings, yes.

ever made out in a pool?

maybe, but i don't think so.

are you a virgin?

depends on how you define "virgin." but by my definition, yes.

be honest. have you had any dirty thoughts today?

 well now that you mention it.

have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise?

no.

do you have trouble reading small fonts?

 not usually. depends on what the font is.

are there any old [as in, no longer on television, not necessarily old in terms of years] television shows that you could happily sit through and re-watch the entire series?

"that '70s show"

of all the decisions you have thus far made in your life, which was the best and which was the worst?

best: going to holly hill. worst: letting jason be my everything.

if you were presented with a bowl of fruit with apples, oranges, bananas, and grapes in it - which fruit would you pick to eat?

grapes.

do you have any gay friends?

yes, and i love them.

are you gay yourself?

 no, but i don't discriminate against those who are.

how many brothers do you have?

 one half-brother.

do you like mexican food?

 noooo.

what’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)?  

colleen: miracle, maxwell, maze. i couldn't even try to name all of sara's lol

do you need to shave?

 no.

do you see yourself married in the next five years?

nope.

are you responsible?

if i'm being honest, no.

ever had a pregnancy scare?

 no. well, because i have anxiety, i was once scared while i was with jason because i missed my period, despite the fact we never had actual sex. safe to say, i wasn't pregnant. it was my anxiety getting to me.

do you partake in gaming?

 if i can, i do. however, my consoles are broken and the psu or graphics card on my gaming laptop is fried, so i haven't in like... six, seven months. it's been torture lol

who has your heart?

 two internet celebrities that don't know i exist lmao

do you have an ex who still talks to you? do they want to be with you again?

 no. tyler tried to, but he finally got that i wanted nothing to do with him.

ever get mad at something that happened years ago?

yep.

don’t you hate when people assume you’re jealous of somebody just because you dislike them?

y e s

do your legs get really itchy after shaving them?

 YES. it's why i have a scar on my shin because i scratched the fuck out of it.

who was the last person you went out to eat with?

 dad, his wife, sisters, and my sister's in-laws.

honestly, if you wanted to get laid right now, could you?  

probably not. i wouldn't want to anyway, since i'm like 95% sure i want to save 'til marriage.

have you ever kissed someone with a tattoo?

 regrettably.

ever had a guy best friend?

yes.

how is your last ex doing?

 i don't know and i don't care.

ever given your ALL to someone?

yes, and it was the wrong fucking choice.

how do you know the majority of the people you know?

 school, the internet

have you ever had pink eye?

no, but my sister has.

do you really care how many friends you or anyone else has on myspace/facebook?

nope.

how many band shirts do you own? which?

including those that don't fit anymore but i have saved, two for ozzy osbourne, two for metallica, otep, disturbed, asking alexandria, hollywood undead, iwrestledabearonce (which i no longer like), marilyn manson, two for alice cooper, and i am 100% positive i've had more. i've had a loooot.

is nutella amazing?

 yaaaas queen

have you ever had anything pierced that you don’t have now?

yes. right side of my nose, left anti-tragus, right tragus, left cartilage. they all closed while i was in the hospital.

would you consider yourself “tough”?

emotionally.

do you have any twins/multiples in your family? are they identical or fraternal?

 i don't think so?

who is the youngest person in your family that you know of?

my nephew, i think.

is your mom a good mom?

she tries her best and does so much for me.

who was your first friend?

brianna. we drifted apart in middle school.

would you consider yourself a shy person?

 waaaay too shy.

are you on good terms with your last ex?

no.

would you rather be a toaster, or a calculator?

... lol wut

do you like beards, and if so, what is the ideal beard length?

no opinion.

did/do you play with barbies?

i did only when nicole wanted to.

what holidays do you decorate for?

halloween, christmas.

have you ever been high?

no. it just doesn't interest me. i don't like my mind being foggy. it's partially why i've never even been drunk.

do you believe in homosexuality?

yes?? it obviously exists, and there's nothing wrong with it??

do you believe in jesus?

yes. it's a historical fact that he existed, it's just a matter of if you believe in the stories of what he did or not.

who was the last person you kissed?

my boyfriend.

do you play minecraft?

i never have and i'm not interested in it.

do you like mozzarella sticks?

noooo. the only cheese i like is american.

do you listen to nickelback?

i have no shame in admitting that i like some of their songs.

do you watch pewdiepie?

i've been a fan since 2013, or maybe 2012. he's a funny guy. he's got a lot of drama around him, but i sincerely think he's entertaining. i've enjoyed watching him develop as a person and comedian.

do you like the water?

no. i literally never drink it unless i'm dehydrated.

do you like eating zebra cakes?

 sure. been a long, long time since i've had one, though.

are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others?

 write, draw.

have you ever felt as though you were unrecognizable to yourself?

yep.

when was the last time you took a taxi somewhere?

 never.

what was the most embarrassing thing you’ve had to buy?

 nothing really embarrassing.

have you ever mistaken a person’s gender?

 yeah.

did you stay calm during the whole swine flu scare?

 yes.  i have the immune system of a god.

without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes?

  yes.  my old english teacher literally stopped class once just to point out to the whole class that i had super long eyelashes lol.  i loved her.

is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger?

 yeah.  tends to be rammstein or metallica.

do any of your close friends have children?

 no.

were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?

 no.

when was the last time you were at the hospital, and why?

 in february for a suicide attempt.

"the breakfast club," yay or nay?

 i couldn't get into it.

have you ever had a piercing get infected?

 yes.  second piercing in my right ear lobe.

do you get embarrassed easily?

 just about everything embarrasses me, so.

is anybody in your family a carpenter?

  no, but my dad was.

would you date someone 8 years older than you?

  yeah, but that's like my limit.  i'd have to

really

like someone who was nine years older, but i'm cool with eight.

would you rather date someone older than you or younger?  

older.  at my current age, i wouldn't date someone younger than me.

have you ever dated someone you met online?  

no.

what’s something you have a very strong opinion about?

  abortion, more than anything.  i'm getting more heavily adamant about gay rights.

what gets you emotional?

 recalling past struggles and people, seeing others suffer, people doing good in the world, etc.

do you often try to find common ground when in a political debate?

  ugh.  i just don't like political debates.

do you come across as cold and aloof at times?

 i'm sure.

do you think the last person you kissed is a player?

 no.

if an ex said they hated you, you say?

  good for you.

could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?

 no.

are you happy with yourself?

  in certain aspects.

would you change yourself for the person you love?

  to some degree.  it depends.

has a guy ever seriously punched you more than once?

 no one's ever punched me, thankfully.

do you think you were ever in love?

 i can say without the slightest doubt in my mind that i was.

have you ever dated your friend’s ex?

 no.

have you done bad things with your parents nearby?  

define "bad things."

have you started a horrible rumor about somebody?

  no, i'm not that low.

why do you believe/not believe in god?

  because it just seems most logical to me.  it just seems... highly, highly unlikely that the fucking stars aligned so perfectly as to make this all possible.  but i perfectly respect people that think the opposite, so long they don't stomp on religion.

do you have any recurring dreams? what are they?

  no.

what is your favorite baked good?

  muffins, maybe.

do you have an addiction to anything?

  i have an addictive personality, so, a number of things.  nothing unhealthy, though.

during thunderstorms, how does your pet react?

 teddy and bentley don't care, cali gets so terrified that she quakes and hides behind the couch.

are you addicted to any energy drinks?

  no.  energy drinks taste like poison to me.

do you like croutons in your salad?  

noooo

when did you meet the last male you texted?

  when i was born.  he's my dad.

have you ever talked to a boyfriend about a previous ex-boyfriend?

 yes.  i was having a ptsd breakdown and needed to know if i could confide in him about some things.

can two living souls become one?  

no.

has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language?

 no, but someone probably should lol.  i recently realized that i say "fuck" waaay too much.  jason's family defiled me.  they swear like sailors and like everyone i know noticed my profanity got worse after dating jason for a while because i was with his family a lot and it rubbed off.

why aren’t you in love with your ex anymore?  

because you don't love the person that almost caused you to kill yourself.

if your best friend “came out”, how would you feel?

 colleen: i would go into legitimate shock since she's for traditional marriage and whatnot.  sara: she's demisexual, so.

ever kissed someone you weren’t in a relationship with?

  no.

have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper?

 ew, no.

what was the last song you listened to?

 "cake and sodomy" by marilyn manson

have you ever been on a ferris wheel that had swinging cages/gondolas? were you in the swinging cage/gondola or too chicken to go on it?

 yeah.  it was at a little festival so it was sketchy as fuck too lol.  i went with jason, who's afraid of heights, so that was interesting.

do you want a small or big wedding?

  small.

are your parents going to buy you a car?

  probably not.  i don't drive, anyway.

who’s your favorite rapper? and your favorite song by this rapper?

 the only rapper i genuinely like is eminem, and i really like "space bound"

how about your favorite band? and your favorite song by this band?

  oh brother...  ozzy osbourne: "trap door," metallica: "whiskey in the jar," otep: uhhh "special pets" or "apex predator," a day to remember: "i'm made of wax, larry, what are you made of?," marilyn manson: "heart-shaped glasses," rammstein: "nebel" or "donaukinder," cradle of filth: probably their cover of "mr. crowley," korn: "here to stay"

do you hate your last name? do you want to get married so you can change it?

 i don't like my last name, but i don't want to get married just so it'll change.

who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? why did you break up?

 if you're talking about the first guy who ever had the title of "boyfriend," aaron.  we were in the 7th grade and i just didn't like him like that.

do you drink coffee?

  no, it's bitter as fuck and just overall gross.

what outfit makes you feel the most attractive?

  you assume any outfit makes me attractive.

what do you think of people who always wear make-up?

  whatever.

has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you?

  i think so.

are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not?

  no, i'm straight.

have you ever wanted to vlog?

 no.  too awkward for that shit.

who was the last person you held hands with?

  ugh.

have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly?

 what the fuck, no.

have you ever seen a live bat?

  yeah.  they're so cute.

would you ever let your child drop out of high school?

 depends on the reason.

do you pronounce “aunt” like “want” or “ant”?

 "ant"

would you ever let a girl/boy put you through hell and back?

  never again.

have you watched porn alone before?

 i don't watch porn to begin with.

what do you think about weed?

 i think it smells fucking awful more than anything.

recommend a book:

 i recommend "johnny got his gun" by dalton trumbo more than any book on the face of the planet.  the writing style is very unique and a bit hard to understand sometimes, but the meaning behind it.  it increased my pacifism by a mile.

do you like to cook? or do you always prefer take out?

  i can't cook.  i literally burned a hot dog to where it split in half in the microwave.

are pets allowed to be on the furniture in your house?

  yes.  they live here.

declawing cats: for or against?

 against

what theory (serious or not) has always intrigued you?

  if the moon landing was fake or not.  i believe it was real, but there is some seriously compelling evidence that it was a studio trick.  i'd highly recommend reading about it.

do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

  about some things.

[stillgeekingout]

me when I started writing this chapter: so this chapter is basically gonna be very focused on aaron

also me: loves my trio and can’t resist giving them scenes

anyway welcome back to the ultimate aaron milverton crossover fic!! pls enjoy this eventful chapter

previous: 1 here, 2 here, 3 here, 4 here, 5 here, 6 here, 7 here

------

Zoe had never brought Alex to the historic part of St. Augustine before, so of course they insisted on spending half an hour in each little shop, examining trinkets one by one. Zoe was fine with it for the first few stores, but after a while she and Blair ducked out for some old-fashioned ice cream. They sat on a bench, people watching. With everything going on, it had been a while since the two of them had just sat and had a conversation.

“As far as human cities go, I don’t mind this one,” Blair said. “We should come here again.”

“I’m sure my mom would love that,” Zoe said. “Maybe we can justify it now that she knows we don’t have to fly here or whatever.” She sighed. It was Tuesday afternoon. The night before, she had finally told her mom the truth about Alex and Blair. It had gone... oddly well. Her mom had clearly suspected something for years. Zoe had expected her to be overwhelmed, and she was, but she seemed more relieved by the end of all the secrecy than anything else. “I just wish I told her sooner.”

“Me too!” said Blair. “That’s two more Thanksgiving dinners I could’ve eaten!”

“You haven’t even had it yet,” Zoe said.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t already know how much I’m going to like it. This ‘apple pie’ sounds absolutely ambrosial.”

“Oh, it is,” said Zoe. “You just have to remember to leave some for the rest of us.”

“We’ll see,” said Blair. They sat quietly for a bit, then Blair looked over at her. “You know, there are a lot of things I wish I had done sooner, too,” she said. “Doesn’t mean I’m not glad I did them eventually.”

Zoe looked at her for a long moment. “Stop being supportive, it’s freaking me out,” she said eventually, shoving Blair’s arm. But she smiled, and the two of them finished their ice cream in comfortable silence.

“So, how many souvenirs do you think Alex is going to be adding to the living room after this?” Blair asked after a few minutes.

“Oh, I’m giving them a limit of 3 items,” Zoe said. “There are only so many seashell-themed decorations I can handle. I left Florida for a reason.”

“And here I thought it was about influencing human government,” Blair said.

“Nope. Avoidance of beachy tourist aesthetic all the way.”

“You love the beach!”

“I love the beach, that doesn’t mean I love wall art of fish and--” Zoe stopped mid-sentence.

“What?” Blair asked.

“Did you see that girl over there? With the yellow sweater? Didn’t she look like Hera?” Zoe couldn’t be sure, but she could’ve sworn she saw her froyo cashier girl from their last Florida trip duck into a shop down the street.

Blair looked around half-heartedly. “My mother does not resemble a human.”

“Not-- ugh. The girl from Orlando who spilled froyo on me. The one who was staring at you?”

“Oh yes, her. I was not a fan.” Blair lost interest.

“Could you tell if it was her?”

“I don’t know, all humans look the same.” Zoe shot her a look. “Not you,” Blair added. Zoe hopped up.

“I’m following her,” she said, leaving Blair alone on the bench.

As soon as Zoe entered the shop, she knew she had been right. The girl was definitely Hera. She was busy examining racks of tacky tourist t-shirts, which gave Zoe time to think of an opening line. She walked right up next to Hera and said, “You know, I have a pink jacket that would look great with that shirt.”

Hera turned, startled first at the unexpected voice and then at seeing Zoe. “Is that right?” she asked, and Zoe was impressed at how quickly she played along. “Funny, so do I!”

“What a weird coincidence,” Zoe said, smiling. Be cool, she told herself.

“Yeah, my friend and I have matching ones,” Hera said, turning her attention back to the shirts. Her friend? She considered Zoe a friend, after two meetings? “She wasn’t sold on the idea at first, but I talked her into it.”

“I’m sure she’s glad you did,” Zoe said. “It probably reminds her of a fun experience.”

“I hope it does,” Hera said, stepping away from the t-shirt rack to look at Zoe again. “I know it does for me.”

Zoe blinked. “Sounds like you two get along well,” she said, not ready to drop the act.

“Yeah, I don’t get to see her often,” Hera said. “She lives in DC, and I live in Orlando, so that’s not really conducive to hanging out. Now that I say that, though, I remember her saying she was Floridian, so it wouldn’t be out of the question for her to visit again. I could even potentially run into her on a day trip to St. Augustine.”

“I’m guessing she grew up right near here and she’s visiting her mom for Thanksgiving,” Zoe said. “I bet she doesn’t know you’re in town. You should ask her out to lunch or something, while you’re here.” She hadn’t broken eye contact. She knew it was silly to do this to herself, to get attached. Hera still lived in Orlando, and she still lived in DC. Like Hera said, not exactly the best situation for hanging out. But after talking to her mom, Zoe felt daring. She didn’t want to replace one regret with another.

“Do you think she’d want to do something right now?” Hera asked.

“I think she would love to,” Zoe said, smiling.

------

Aaron didn’t want to go back home after his weird lunch with Chad. He left the airport and started driving towards St. Augustine. It wasn’t exactly the closest place, but he liked the little streets and hoped walking around would distract him. As soon as he got on 95, he called Kate and explained everything that had happened.

“I’m convinced he likes you,” Kate said for at least the fourth time. “He’s just conflicted because he swore off dating.”

“Does it matter?” said Aaron, staring at the road. “I don’t know, I feel like I just keep getting my hopes up for no reason. You saw how happy he was talking to Blair, he’s not going to give that up for some dude he kinda knows.”

“I think he more than kinda knows you at this point, Aaron,” Kate said. “You guys talk all the time. He cares a lot about you.”

“You’re making it wooooorse,” Aaron said.

“Sorry. I just. I don’t think you should give up,” Kate said. “He can still serve Blair and date at the same time.”

“You try telling him that,” Aaron said. “Except don’t you dare, because I know you would.”

“I so would.” Kate laughed. “But I won’t, not unless you want me to.”

“Ugh, boys,” Aaron said. “I never had these issues before I liked boys.”

“Your ex-girlfriend used you for evidence and probably helped your cousin get murdered.”

“Uncalled for!”

“Just saying.”

Aaron drove silently for a few seconds. He hadn’t thought of Sherlock in a while. “Is it worse to have someone date you and not like you or like you and not date you?”

“Aha!” Kate said, so loudly Aaron had to jerk the phone away from his ear. “So you admit he likes you!”

“I don’t know if he likes me or not,” Aaron said. “But I do know he won’t date me.” He paused. “This time is worse,” he said, sighing. “At least Sherlock didn’t have an accent.”

“You’re hopeless,” said Kate.

------

When Alex finished souvenir shopping, they found Blair on a bench by herself. “Where’s Zoe?” they asked, sitting down next to her.

“She went off after some human,” Blair said. “I don’t know.”

“Well, is she ok?” Alex asked. Sometimes Blair was so unhelpful.

“She’s fine. She thought it was the one she met up with when we were in Orlando.”

“The cashier girl? She was here?” Alex looked around.

“Apparently,” Blair said, clearly not invested. “Well, show me what you bought.”

Alex bounced up. “Oh, you’ll love these, they’re so cute,” they said, pulling out some salt and pepper shakers shaped like lighthouses. Blair looked at them and pretended to care-- something she had gotten much better at. “And look at this,” Alex went on, handing Blair a small bottle of water labeled Fountain of Youth. “The humans believe it will make them live forever.”

“That’s ludicrous,” said Blair, examining the bottle.

“You mean you don’t remember?” said Alex.

“Remember…?”

“That time we ran into those humans looking for the Fountain of Youth--”

“--and we convinced them it was here!” Blair finished. “I forgot about that. I guess it worked.” She laughed. “I can’t believe that rumor lasted this long.”

“I think there must be some local nymphs who kept it going,” Alex said. “Good for publicity, I guess.”

Blair looked around. “It looks a lot different here. It was such a swamp back then.”

“It got a lot nicer once they put up the castle,” said Alex. “I remember them building it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, it was a couple years after I got exiled. I used to watch them work on it sometimes.”

“Oh.” Blair got quiet, like she always did when Alex’s banishment came up.

“Blair, it’s fine,” they said. “It’s in the past. Hakuna Matata.” Zoe had been insisting they watch all the Mickey Mouse films. She was a pretty devoted follower of his.

Blair smiled. “Well, let me keep trying to make it up to you anyway. Do you want to go on the castle tour?”

“Oooh, yes!”

The two of them toured the Castillo, Alex talking about what they remembered from when it was being built. At the end of the tour, Blair wanted to go back for a second round of ice cream.

“I’ll meet you there,” Alex said. “I want to see the view first.” They started walking towards the ledge dividing the grass around the castle from the river.

A single human was leaning against the wall, looking out at the water. Alex walked a little closer and then realized they recognized the human-- it was one of Chad’s friends from the B4B conference. Why did he look so sad? Alex wanted to comfort him, but they didn’t want to reveal that they knew who he was. Zoe always said it was weird to go up to random people and talk to them without a reason. Humans and their societal conventions.

“Excuse me,” Alex said, approaching the boy. “Would you mind taking my picture? It’s just that it’s such a nice view and I can’t fit it all in a selfie.” The boy looked up, and Alex noticed that his eyes were red. He cleared his throat and then smiled.

“Sure, of course,” he said, reaching for Alex’s phone. Alex posed for a few pictures, then took the phone back. That had to be enough pretense to start a conversation, right?

“Are you ok?” Alex asked. “You seemed upset when you turned around.”

The boy seemed thrown off. Maybe Alex hadn’t waited the appropriate window of time after all. “I’m fine,” he said.

Alex couldn’t just leave. “Are you sure? Because if there’s something wrong--”

“I’m fine,” the boy said again, clearly not fine. Alex chose a new (slightly riskier) tactic.

“Hey… you’re in B4B, right?” they said, and the boy’s face lit up immediately.

“Yeah!” he said. “How did you know?”

“Oh, I think I remember seeing you at the convention,” Alex said. “I was trying to figure out why you looked familiar.”

“Dude, that’s awesome!” the boy said. “I’m Aaron. I love meeting fellow Bros.”

“Alex,” said Alex, relieved that their idea seemed to be working. “So are you from here?”

“Technically Jacksonville,” Aaron said. He seemed much more relaxed than he had a minute before. “I mean, Orlando now, but I’m here for Thanksgiving. You?”

“Oh, I live in Washington DC. I’m… also here for Thanksgiving. But not with my family. With my friend’s family. Who lives here. Not that I don’t want to see my family. They just don’t really celebrate Thanksgiving, that’s all.”

“Oh… that’s cool,” said Aaron. “Wait, so you came from DC for the con?”

“Yes!”

“Whoa, that’s great. I mean I knew people were traveling from everywhere but it’s so cool to hear about where everyone is from. I wish I had spent more time meeting people at the con instead of--” He stopped, and his pained expression from earlier returned. “Nevermind. So, uh, did you like the con?”

“Oh, yes, it was lovely,” Alex said, wondering what they could do to make him feel better.

“Did you get to talk to Blair?”

Alex forced themself not to laugh. “Yes, I did.”

“That was such a shock. I never expected her to show up.” Aaron was smiling, but for some reason, he didn’t seem completely happy about the surprise.

“Did you… not want her to?” Alex hoped they hadn’t ruined the convention by causing a commotion. They had just wanted to make the humans feel valued.

“Oh, no, of course I did!” said Aaron. “I was beyond thrilled to meet her, of course.”

“Aaron, are you sure you’re ok?” Alex asked again. Aaron looked at them, as if trying to decide if he could trust them. They felt a little bad knowing they had already deceived him once by pretending to be Blair, and now they were sort of doing it again. At last, Aaron sighed.

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to make fun of me?”

------

“Zoe! We did a bad thing!”

Zoe jolted out of the nice conversation she’d been having with Hera outside of the Castillo to see Alex running towards her. Trailing far behind them looking very confused was a boy who looked familiar, but she couldn’t remember where she’d seen him before.

“What are you talking about?” she asked, hoping Alex wouldn’t say anything that would severely confuse Hera.

Alex dropped to a whisper. “This boy who’s about to walk up is in love with Chad,” they said, “but he can’t do anything about it because Blair told Chad not to date.” This took Zoe a second to process, but then she realized that this had been the boy who was in the room when Alex talked to Chad at the con. She remembered his reaction to Chad’s no-romance declaration and realized she had misinterpreted it. He wasn’t dating the girl, he was wishing he could date Chad. And Alex had inadvertently come in the middle.

“Alex? What’s going on?” the boy said, finally catching up to them.

“Aaron, this is my friend Zoe,” Alex said.

“Wait, you were at the con too! Aren’t you Blair’s assistant?”

Zoe snorted. “I guess you could say that,” she said, shooting a look to Hera that she hoped conveyed ‘I’m sorry about all this and I’ll explain later’. Hera shrugged in reply.

“Oh,” Alex said, probably just realizing Hera was there, “and this is… uh--”

“Hera.” said Zoe. “Not that Hera,” she added quickly, before Alex could say anything.

Aaron rounded on Alex. “Wait, so does this mean you know Blair?”

“What about me?”

Zoe turned. Blair had appeared behind them holding ice cream. She glanced at Hera, who was now eyeing Blair with the same strange intensity from the first time they had met at the froyo shop. Zoe told herself it didn’t mean anything, after all, they had just been getting along so well--

“Blair!” Aaron cried. “You’re here!”

“Do I know you?” Blair asked.

“Aaron Milverton. We met at the B4B convention,” Aaron said. “It’s fine if you don’t remember, I know you must’ve met so many of us.”

Blair glared first at Zoe, then Alex. “Ah. Yes.”

“She remembers,” Alex said, giving her a pointed look. “She’s very happy to see you again, right Blair?”

Blair narrowed her eyes. “Yes, I am,” she said finally. Aaron beamed.

“I should maybe… go…” said Hera, piping up at last.

“No!” said Zoe, too loudly. “I mean,” she amended, “I can explain. Please don’t go.” She was not about to let Hera leave again without at least getting her number this time. “Um, you’ve met Aaron, and these are my friends Blair and Alex.”

“I remember you,” Hera said to Blair. “Nice to meet you, Alex.” Oh, of course she only recognized Blair. Alex had been in a different human form at the froyo shop.

Zoe cleared her throat (because Hera was looking at Blair again). “Anyway, so…” She paused, formulating a true-but-not-overwhelming explanation in her head. “Blair started a charity organization a few years ago and Aaron is one of the members.”

“Religion,” Blair corrected. “And I didn’t start it, Chad did.” Zoe sighed. There was no uncomplicated explanation.

“Right, yeah,” she said. “And then Blair found out that Chad had sworn off dating for her, and she told him to keep it up but she only did that to validate his decisions, not because she actually cares whether he dates or not.”

“Is that true??” Aaron asked.

Zoe looked at Blair. Please just go with it, she thought. “I don’t care if anyone dates or not,” Blair said. Good enough.

“Where’s Chad?” Zoe asked. “We have to tell him.”

“Probably the Miami airport by now,” Aaron said. “He was on his way to his family’s house.”

“Then I guess we’re driving to Miami,” Zoe said, resolved. She had helped screw this up, she was going to fix it.

“What??” said Aaron.

“I think this is something we have to resolve in person,” Zoe said. And then, before anyone could protest, she started walking. “My van has plenty of room, let’s go.”

Hera walked next to her as Alex, Blair, and Aaron trailed behind. “Sorry about this,” Zoe said. “I wish we could keep hanging out.”

“I mean, I’m down for a road trip,” Hera said, and Zoe looked at her. “If you don’t mind, of course.”

“Not at all,” Zoe said, trying not to think about how she would keep Hera from getting scared off after 5 or 6 hours in a car with Blair and Alex.

When they reached Zoe’s minivan several minutes later, Hera seemed surprised. “This is your car?” she asked.

“I know it’s kind of a mom car,” Zoe said. “It used to be my mom’s, actually. Which is kind of weird because it’s only ever been the two of us, but it’s good for road trips.”

“No, no, I like it,” Hera assured her. Zoe unlocked the car and was just getting excited about the prospect of a road trip with a cute girl when Blair walked up and got into the front seat. Zoe glared at her. “Blair, let Hera sit in front.”

“I will not,” said Blair, and buckled the seat belt. Alex climbed into the middle row, and Hera and Aaron crawled to the back seat. (Zoe always kept one seat down in the middle, because she thought it made the car feel bigger.)

“Everyone ready?” Zoe asked. “Everyone texted their parents so they don’t think I’ve kidnapped you?” No one said anything, so she started the car. “Okay, Miami here we come!”

With all the holiday traffic, it was almost midnight by the time they got to Chad’s house. Aaron had initially been worried about finding it, but Blair assured him that it wouldn’t be difficult for a goddess to figure out where someone lived. Zoe still wasn’t sure how all of that worked, but she hoped Hera wasn’t paying too much attention.

“Do you think his family will be annoyed that we’re here so late?” Hera asked. They had sent Blair and Aaron up to the door by themselves.

“I don’t know, but I know Chad won’t,” Zoe said. “He really loves Blair.”

“She had better be nice to him,” Alex said. Zoe had considered sending them in as Blair again, but she wanted Blair to do it herself.

Zoe, Alex, and Hera watched from the car as Chad answered the door and his face shifted from confusion to delight. He invited Aaron and Blair inside and closed the door, leaving the three of them to wait and see what would happen.

------

Aaron knew this would be a lot for Chad to process, and he was right. Chad was shocked. “Blair! Aaron! What are you both doing here?”

“Kind of a long story,” Aaron said, impatient to get to the real reason they had come. “I sort of… ran into Blair and… found some things out.” Chad gave him a questioning look.

“Well, come in here, you can explain,” he said. “The rest of my family is already asleep.” He led them through the house into a room and turned on the light. Aaron realized it was his bedroom and became overwhelmed at the thought.

“Blair has something to tell you,” he said.

Blair sighed. “Chad,” she started. “When A-- when I saw you at the convention, you said you had sworn off romance.”

“Right...” said Chad slowly, glancing at Aaron, who looked away so as not to make eye contact.

“That’s ridiculous, and I never meant to encourage it,” Blair said. “Engage in romance or don’t, I don’t care. Just don’t involve me.”

“Wait, what?” Aaron could feel Chad looking at him still, but refused to meet his eyes.

“You heard me,” said Blair. “Oh, and Chad… I suppose I appreciate what you’ve done, even if you are misguided.” Aaron was confused why she had to say this again when she had already told him at the convention that he was doing good work, but he couldn’t concentrate much on that (or anything else) given the circumstances.

“Thanks again, Blair. It means a lot,” said Chad. “Um, hey, would it be chill if I talk to Aaron alone for a few minutes?”

“By all means,” Blair said, and walked out.

It was all Aaron could do to continue breathing as Blair left the room. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Chad closed the door, then turned back towards Aaron. “Bro,” Chad said, “do you… did you… is there a reason you came to tell me this?”

“What do you mean?” Aaron said, even though he was pretty sure he knew. In, out. In, out.

“I mean…” Chad looked down. “Did you… why did you want me to be open to dating?” IN, OUT. IN, OUT.

Aaron didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t read Chad’s facial expression enough to know if Chad wanted him to want him to date. Kate’s voice came into his head. “I’m convinced he likes you … I don’t think you should give up.” He took a deep breath.

“Because I was hoping you might be open to dating… me,” Aaron said, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Chad’s reaction.

“Bro,” Chad said softly, and Aaron opened his eyes to see that he was smiling. Aaron loved his smile so much he wanted to scream. He froze solid as Chad stepped toward him and put a hand on his cheek. “I hoped that was why,” Chad said, and kissed him.

Aaron had thought about kissing Chad so much that now that it was actually happening, he wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep or died and ascended to another plane of existence. He decided if he was dead, this was a pretty good way to go. He moved one hand to the back of Chad’s neck, pulling him closer.

He hadn’t kissed anyone since Sherlock. He had almost forgotten how nice it was. And Chad wasn’t using him, or lying to him, or pretending to like him. He felt a tension in his brain release that had been there since he first realized his feelings for Chad. Months of frustration melted away. Chad liked him back. Chad was kissing him, Chad’s hands were on his face, Chad’s soft hair was under his fingers.

Much too soon, Chad broke away. Aaron stared at him, unsure what to say. Chad hadn’t lowered his hands, and he was still smiling. Aaron smiled back.

“I almost un-swore off dating for you,” Chad said quietly, stroking Aaron’s cheek with his thumb.

“Mmm?” He was too dazed to formulate a full word.

“During the convention. I think I’ve liked you since then. But then Blair showed up, and I promised her...” Aaron stared at Chad’s lips. He didn’t want Chad to stop talking, but he also really just wanted to start kissing again. “And then I wasn’t going to contact you again, but I couldn’t help it,” Chad went on. “I missed emailing you. And I convinced myself we could stay friends and it wouldn’t be weird.”

“Mmm,” Aaron said again.

“But then we got lunch today,” said Chad. Was it still the same day? Aaron couldn’t believe so little time had passed. Their afternoon at Denny’s felt like it existed in a different lifetime-- one where Chad wasn’t holding his face, talking about how he had liked Aaron just as long as Aaron had liked him. “And it hit me all over again. I think if I had stayed in your car another second I would have kissed you.” He paused for a second, looking thoughtful, then smiled again. “I should have.”

“No time like the present,” said Aaron, leaning back in.

[reivenesque]

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap Final Chapter

Epilogue: For Those About to Rock (We Salute You) (3556 words) Flag can’t tear his eyes away from the too young face and the gaunt cheeks and memories from the night of the shooting come flooding back; seeing the young boy crying before him, asking for him to help find his mom. Staying with the boy for however long before the crying woman comes running up to them, thanking him for helping her son or some shit like that. Flag berates himself for not seeing through the act.

[ch1] [ch2] [ch3] [ch4] [ch5] [ch6] [ch7]

(ao3)

Rick Flag would no longer begrudgingly admit to having developed a bit of a soft spot for his newly acquired and rather unruly in a violent murderous manner subordinates. If fact, he’s become quite proud of the fact. They were still a bunch of disorderly, disrespectful assholes with absolutely no disregard for superiors, but ultimately they were still his charges and his responsibility.

He would begrudgingly admit that at this point he’d even consider all of them friends, if not actual family.

He has no family of his own, at least none that he’d consider as such. But between GQ and Boomerang feeling like the incorrigible little brothers he never wanted; Harley, Pamela and Katana the sisters he simultaneously wanted to protect and was scared shitless of. KC is the jock cousin that comes by during his off days at college who always considers himself cooler than he actually is and June as his cute nerdy girl high school sweetheart who somehow never considered herself good enough when in truth it was Flag who asks himself every day how he managed to land such an amazing girl.

He pats the small unseen velvet box in the side pocket of his jacket subconsciously.

And Floyd; Flag doesn’t even know how to describe how he considers Floyd; a bit like a friend, a bit like family but an equal in every way nonetheless. And then there’s dear sweet Zoe. Flag’s never considered himself a fatherly type person; or rather he never thought his profession and life really made him the best candidate to be a parent to anyone. But after knowing Zoe, after accepting her into his life and into June’s life; watching her grow through all those months, watching her accept everything happening with a grace, cleverness and maturity despite her age and turning into such a fine young lady that Flag would be more than honoured to be able to call her his daughter. Everything that’s happened up to this point only ended up opening his eyes to the reality of his life and to all the possibilities; to things that he suddenly realized that he really did want and for the first time in his life, he realized isn’t so far out of reach.

An actual family. His own family.

He considers the squad closest to anything he’d ever describe as such but he wouldn’t deny the appeal of having his own legacy live on and have a gaggle of little Rick Flag’s and little June Moone’s running around the world. If nothing else, he wanted a chance to start over, to prove to himself that he isn’t the defective fuck-up his own family had convinced him he was; that being a terrible father isn’t in his genes like he’d thought all this time.

‘Company halt.’

GQ’s familiar voice floats in through the communication system interrupting his thoughts. It’s only two words but Flag can already feel the pulsing of an incoming headache behind his eyeballs

‘Uh, Diablo’s feeding cats again.’

The staff tries not to make it obvious but Flag can hear the sound of muffled snickering resounding from a few people in the command center. He’s not sure how it was before when Waller was in charge, but the atmosphere in the command center nowadays feels more relaxed. The people who come in to work under him, monitoring the movements of the squad and assisting them remotely all seem pleased to have him in charge. Besides his strict rules about being punctual and people not half-assing their job, Flag’s not all that concerned about the little things like what they chose to wear or whether or not they’re hanging around chatting with each other when office traffic is a little slow. As long as they’re doing their duty and nothing gets in the way or affects the efficiency of the squad or the mission, then Flag really doesn’t care. Flag believes that happy people do their job better than people who are scared, which seems to be the root of most of his disagreements with Waller these days.

He doesn’t hear from Waller often, but when she does manage to peel herself away from whatever secret and most likely illegal things she’s doing for the upper echelon of US government, they never fail to get into something short of an outright shouting match that always ends with him feeling both mentally and physically drained.

His back still hurts. His body hurts. His head hurts. His patience hurts. His soul hurts and he can do nothing to really help any of his ailments. It doesn’t help when the squad is out on a mission (without him, a fact that he still hasn’t gotten used to even after all this time) and he has to hear the happenings second hand.

‘They’re creatures of this earth too, man. They deserve to be alive just as much as we do, maybe even more.’

Flag likes Diablo, he really does and he more than respects the other man’s beliefs and his sense of morality. But it doesn’t mean it helps his pounding headache in any way whatsoever.

‘You know what,’ Floyd’s annoyed voice come booming in immediately after. ‘As squad leader, I would like to make my very first commandment.’

Flag thinks he hears KC in the background saying offhanded how squad leaders don’t make commandments, but he decides to not comment.

‘Official name change declaration; El Diablo will from now on be known as El Gato.’

Flag can almost imagine Diablo’s chilled demeanour and expression when he speaks again, his voice floating through the very epitome of cool.

‘You say that like it’s an insult, man, but I take it as the opposite.’

A third voice chimes in. ‘We’re going to have to start an animal subdivision of the squad after this.’

‘You would know all about animal subs, wouldn’t you, Boom?’

Flag thinks he made a mistake when he handed out those fancy ear bud communicators to each member of the squad. He was going to have to give that decision a serious rethink. Mostly he did it out of a sense of misplaced nostalgia. No matter how much he denied, it he missed being a part of the squad banter. It often frayed at his nerves and annoyed the living shit out of him, but he admits that the day to day is anything but boring. He misses the camaraderie and the familiarity the squad provided and the sense of safety and confidence that every single person out there had his back.

‘You’re one to talk KC you are literally an animal.’

‘There’s a difference between being physically an animal and not being a human being, obviously you wouldn’t know the difference.’

‘Boys, boys, boys.’

The seductive voice chiming into the fray gives Flag both a sense of relief and apprehension.  The newest member of the squad has proven to be a valuable asset, during and outside of missions. Despite her almost provocative demeanour and near default seductive personality at first glance, Pamela’s near genius level of intellect and expertise in botany and toxicology (not to mention the power to fucking control plants) proved to be an invaluable addition. Though Flag will absolutely deny this fact if accused, but seeing the way Pamela treats Harley—like she’s the most cherished flower in the world and watching the way Harley’s whole demeanour lights up because of it, it gives Flag a sense of happiness and satisfaction himself. He’s never been a fan of Harley’s toxic ex, despite what Harley has to say about him.

For being a bunch of dangerous killers, the squad ended up bringing out best of the humanity in each other.

Flag doesn’t hear Harley’s voice, but he hears a purring sound in the background and he has no doubt that it’s coming from Pamela’s communicator because Harley no doubt just draped herself over the other woman.

‘Let El Gato feed his cats, gentlemen. It’s not like we’re in a rush or anything.’

Flag was about to remind them that they were indeed in a rush. They had approximately an hour left to traverse the three blocks of the abandoned back alley they were navigating headed towards the heavily guarded compound that was their mission destination; get in, get the package before said package could board a private plane set for some distant country with a distinct lack of extradition laws, get out and get back to the operations base to board their own flight back to the US.

‘Yeah guys, let miguelito feet his kitties. We’ve got an hour.’

Flag was about to interject again, but decides against it. At the very least, he settled with finding comfort in the fact that they knew they had a time limit and what it was. It was hard leaving the mission in GQ’s hands, he’d always been meticulous when it came to missions and handling his teams and assigned squads, and having to relinquish control like this was a trying experience, but it needed to be done and he needed to have faith in his own squad. He did have faith in them; it just seemed to get tested by his own sense of self-doubt.

“However the fuck you do it, guys, just get it done. I don’t need Waller even more on my ass than she already is.”

‘Roger that, colonel.’

GQ was turning out to be a much better field commander than Flag would ever have given him credit for. But that was GQ, he forced other people to underestimate him and when least expected, he’d do a complete 360 and take them down. It was one of the things Flag saw immediately when the younger man came onto his team. He reminded Flag a lot of himself in that respect.

‘You want us to pack you something from the street vendors on our way back?’

Just the memory sends shivers of terror down his spine.

“Just get the fucking thing done,” he says, completely ignoring the question. “Flag out.”

The beep signals an affirmative to his last command. Flag releases a long, exasperated breath and sinks into his seat. The oncoming headache had finally arrived, pounding on his frontal lobe and behind his eyeballs like a jilted former lover beating down his front door.

June was coming over in a few hours with Zoe and they were going to head out to lunch together. It was just enough time to see through the mission to completion—bar any unwanted complication, and considering the squad in question, Flag would have to pray to all the gods he doesn’t believe in in hopes of keeping them on schedule. Then to file up the official paperwork and wait the 5 hours for the squad’s flight to arrive back on US soil. That way Floyd will at least get to see Zoe for a few hours and Flag won’t have to deal with their shit on an empty stomach.

“Colonel?”

The new voice attracts his attention away from the mountain of files in front of him. Who knew working in an office away from the danger and the fire fight could be so fucking stressful.

“Commander Jeffries,” he acknowledges the older mans’ presence with a respectful nod.

“We got him,” he says seriously, as if the good old commander had another default attitude. “He’s waiting for you in your office. I’ve got men guarding the room and the doors so that he doesn’t try to make a run for it.”

“Thank you, commander,” he says earnestly, reaching for his cane and getting to his feet.

Bringing the good commander into the squad was one of his personal requests to Waller before he took on the position; both Waller and Commander Jeffries had been sceptical at first, but Flag could see in the man’s tough and weather-worn eyes that the prospect of getting out into the field again excited him. He’d been cooped up too long indoors being Waller’s personal lap dog and because of that, he knew the man could put aside his utter disdain for Floyd to come and work under him. He wasn’t keen on the squad on a whole, but he’d taken bit of a shine to KC oddly enough, and he was respectful enough to Harley and Pamela for it to not be an issue. Diablo mostly ignored him and he in turn mostly ignored Boomerang, but Floyd on the other hand he absolutely despised. Truthfully Flag found the whole thing entirely too amusing. Floyd for his part seemed to genuinely like the disgruntled commander.

The next moment finds Flag in the corridor, walking—or rather, limping—the few steps to his personal office at the end of the hall, watching as the two suited men standing guard outside his door snap to attention when he approaches. He returns the salute before entering, and repeats the motions again with the two other men standing inside the room. He dismisses them curtly as he walks around the length of the table, all whole time keeping a sharp eye on the person sitting warily in the chair in front of his desk.

“What’s your name?” he asks after a few stilted seconds pass by in silence.

The boy keeps silent.

Flag can’t tear his eyes away from the too young face and the gaunt cheeks and memories from the night of the shooting come flooding back; seeing the young boy crying before him, asking for him to help find his mom. Staying with the boy for however long before the crying woman comes running up to them, thanking him for helping her son or some shit like that. Flag berates himself for not seeing through the act.

“My name’s Rick,” he says when the boy doesn’t seem at all inclined to answer his question. “Rick Flag.”

The only sign that he’s actually listening is the way he shuffled slightly in his seat when Flag tells him his name.

“I don’t hold you responsible for what happened that night,” he adds, watching as the boy continues to avoid making eye contact, focusing instead of picking at the leathery material of the arm rest of the chair he’s seated on.

He couldn’t be more than 14 years old, Flag observes; clothes tattered and dirty. Too little meat on the bones and lack of care makes it obvious that the boy has no one to care for him. It immediately tugs at Flag’s heartstrings.

“Did they pay you?” he asks, “To pretend to be her son?”

Still the boy doesn’t answer, he just slouches deeper into himself and Flag takes pity on him.

He leans forward across his desk, resting on his elbows and continues eyeing the boy, willing him to look up and meet his eyes.

“You’re not in trouble, kid. I’m not going to do anything to you. I just brought you here to get some answers. I don’t blame you for what happened, whether or not you knew what was going to happen. I want to help you but that’s only going to happen if you look me in the eyes.”

Reluctantly, after a few tense seconds pass by in mute silence, the boy actually moves. His head lifts and finally his downtrodden gaze meets Flag’s own.

Flag can’t help the smile that breaks out on his face.

“You wanna tell me what happened?”

The boy breaths in heavily through his nose, biting the inside of his cheek tensely before he opens his mouth to speak.

“They just paid me to keep you there. I didn’t know what was going to happen.”

Flag nods. Though it was the answer he expected he has a feeling that the kid isn’t telling him the whole story, but he decides not to pursue the line of questioning. The ‘whys’ didn’t detract from the fact that they preyed on a desperate child and used him to carry out their dirty work and it’s never been in Flag’s nature to use any children in that way, especially given his traumatic history, but especially recently since Zoe became a permanent fixture in his life.

The boy looks away again but Flag’s gotten his answers, he’s going to have to accept that it’s the most he’s going to get at this point.

“When’s the last time you ate?”

He asks again, watching the way his whole body almost stills at the question, making it clear that it’s been a while. The boys’ shrug only confirms his suspicions and he can only sigh.

“Commander,” he calls out to older man he knows is standing outside his door. Not a moment passes before the door opens to reveal the weathered face of a man with too much life experience and has obviously seen too many terrible things in his life. But looking at his eyes looking at the pathetic form of the boy sitting in front of them, Flag knows their gazes mirror each other in both anger and sadness. “Commander, why don’t you take the kid down to the cafeteria and get him something to eat, and maybe a change of clothes.”

The boy looks up at him at this point, obviously startled by the request. He looks him straight in the eye when he directs his comment at the boy.

“Go with Commander Jeffries. But I suggest not trying anything stupid like running, kid, don’t underestimate him just because he looks like someone’s kindly grandfather”—he hears a derisive snort at that—“the good commander here clocked 12.2 seconds flat in a 100 meter dash.”

Hesitantly the boy gets to his feet and with one last glance in Flag’s direction, walks towards Commander Jeffries’ outstretched arm.

“Hey, kid, you never told me you name.”

The question statement stops the boy just a foot away from the awaiting commander. It looks like he’s having an intense internal debate with himself before he half turns towards Flag and almost like the words are being dragged out of his mouth one syllable at a time, mutters, “Jason,” he says almost under his breath. Both Flag and the commander have to lean in slightly to hear what he said before he repeats his words again. “Jason Todd.”

Flag nods satisfied at the boy before motioning for him to go with the far too patient commander waiting by the door.

As the door swings to a close, Flag can’t help the exhale of half exhaustion, half relief that seems to emanate from his very soul as he leans back into his sinfully comfortable chair.

He thinks of his squad out there on the mission without him; GQ having turned out to be a far better and more effective leader than anyone (including Flag) ever gave him credit for. Diablo undoubtedly just found more stray animals to feed much to everyone’s (including Flag’s) chagrin.  Harley and Pamela probably being way too touchy feely and sexual with each other than is really necessary, especially during missions. Boomerang most likely ogling the two, making inappropriate comments and getting his ass kicked twice as hard and KC finding everything far too amusing.

Flag feels himself attempting to live vicariously through Floyd and undoubtedly Floyd at the same time is channelling all of Flag’s pent up annoyance and frustration by being benched and away from the squad he loves so much by being twice the disgruntled pain in the ass. That thought gives Flag a measure of comfort, knowing that he’s a constant thorny presence in the squad’s side even from all the way on the other side of the world.

The only question left on his mind at this point was what in the hell was he going to do with this kid?

He doesn’t get to mull over that question for long when one of the men comes running into his office, without knocking too, and Flag immediately knows that some shit just went down.

“Colonel—”

Flag feels his headache returning sevenfold. “How many are dead and do any of them belong to us?”

“No reports of casualties so far, sir. But—uh…apparently half the compound is in flames and the entire third floor of the mansion just blew sky high,” he reports quickly and Flag can only massage the bridge of his nose tiredly as the shit just keeps getting heaped on his day. “There’s an on-going firefight and—uh—”

“Just spit it out.”

“Quinn and Isley are reportedly making out on the patio.”

The sad thing is nothing Flag just heard surprised him in the slightest.

He grabs his cane and gathers the remnants of whatever is left of his patience and sanity as he tiredly trudges out of his office. The tech guy, he’s pretty sure the guy’s name is Harold or something; all these nerds look and sound the same, skitters after him nervously.

The first sound that reaches him as he walks into the frenzy that is the command center; nerds scurrying nervously left and right and the rattling sound of gunfire sounding from the coms in the background is a booming explosion and a psychopathic laugh sounding somewhere in the distance that sounds suspiciously like GQ.

Flag sighs exasperatedly through the fond smile he can’t keep of his face as he subconsciously thinks out loud, “All in a day’s work.”

There it is guys! Finally I have reached the end. At one point I didn’t think I was even going to make it to this point; the last couple of months have been rough inspiration wise, but I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to start a story I didn’t intend to finish. And to finish this story feels like an accomplishment unlike anything I’ve felt before.

Also just like with the rest of this story, I have taken liberties with certain characters, their backstories and circumstances, like the thing with Jason Todd. That was just a bit of name dropping and to tie up the loose end that no one but me actually noticed. I’m following one of the incarnation of the comic character where his parents were killed by KC (which they later ret-conned and made Two-Face their killer) so in my headcanon, one of the reasons he took on the job to trap Rick was not only for the money but also because of Rick is leader of the squad with the person he believes killed his parent. It’s just a bit of character background I had in mind that I won’t go anywhere with. It’s just all in good fun

I would like to thank all my readers on ao3, tumblr and fanfiction dot net who have stuck with me and this story through thick and think; who have taken time to read this quaint little thing I started on a whim, left kudos and some really, really amazing, mind-blowing reviews that I sometimes still think ‘I can’t believe people are saying this about something I wrote’. I am eternally humbled and appreciative of every single one of you and I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I have writing it and hopefully it ended on a note that lived up to all your expectations.

Thank you all and I love you guys so much!

[johnnyboyblues-blog]

Chapter One

 My name is Zero Vivian Freeman, though most people call me Zoe because not everyone likes my real name. Vivian doesn’t suite me, I feel. I don’t know, really. I’m 16 but I swear I act like I’m 23, which isn’t a good thing whatsoever. I’m gonna be 17 soon and since I didn’t do anything huge for my 16th, I’m gonna try and do something huge for my 17th.

 I live with my father; and although we stay separated in our own rooms most of the time, we do spend time together. I love my dad, he’s always given me what he thinks I need and even though I feel horrible half of the time for doing so, he tries to get me everything I want, too. Might I mention my two sisters, Alexis, and Camille? Alexis is as what my parents call “my twin”, which is complete bullshit if you ask me. We don’t even look alike, yet we’re supposedly twins and we must be best friends which is the last thing I’d call her. Camille is my oldest sister, she’s 21 and is about to pop out a kid and I’ve never been so excited. But, that just means she has to go without drinking Pinnacle Vodka for another 4 months. I never got why she liked drinking so much. She’s no alcoholic, but living with a man that was four years older than her, she got curious I guess. Alexis and Camille live with my mom, someone who I love dearly but can’t stand to live with. Our family isn’t one that needs to stay together. We’re all so different, we tear each other to shreds instead of pull one another together into one big happy family love circle. I’m close with none of them, I don’t really trust them.

Plus, do you seriously think my parents or my sisters would want to hear me talk about the latest porn I’ve been watching? No? Didn’t think so. Speaking of, porn isn’t something I’m addicted to. I’m not too proud that I watch it but I’m not ashamed and it’s just hilarious to watch, sadly my parents don’t really believe me on that one. I mean I get it, I’m not of the legal age to watch it and I could get in trouble, but I take it as though I’m not watching two four-year old’s touch each other near each other’s “no-no squares”. I’m watching mature men and women do what makes them happy, have sex. I’m sure no one will get that, though. I mean, I can go a long time without watching porn, like I said I’m not addicted to it, it’s just hilarious to watch. Funny part is, all of my friends know that I watch it, and they don’t seem to have a problem with it because I’ve watched it in the same room as them before.

 Speaking of my friends, let me mention my best.

 Bella Arthur, my neighbor and greatest friend, Aries. Medium-long brown hair that she likes to dye sometimes. We have the same music taste, clothing taste, the same taste in mostly everything. She’s gorgeous but won’t believe me when I tell her. She’s rather insecure and I wish I could help her, try to make her feel more confident about the way she looks but I’m afraid it just won’t work and she’ll end up ever the more hurt in the end. Her makeup collection is the largest I’ve seen in person, I ask to use some every now and then. Bella is a year younger than me. She’s got this nice Jeep, the one she’d always wanted and when we feel like it, I’ll sneak out, we’ll get tacos and hang out on the roof of the apartment building.  

 Then there’s Nicole Harper, Pisces. she’s got everything she could ever ask for, and I envy that with such a great passion. I wish that right after I cracked the hell out of my screen, I got it replaced after a few weeks. She too, is one of my friends who is insecure and I crave to help. She’s got braces and longe blonde hair. Skinny. I envy that too. She used to live in the condo a floor below myself, but she moved into a penthouse across town. She’s always hanging out with this one girl, her name’s Nikki. I used to hate Nikki but I let that go a little while ago because the beef wasn’t worth tripping over.

 And lastly, Madison, Pisces. I feel like we haven’t hung out in 5 years, but it’s only because she plays softball and lives across town. I’m just some loser who people only like because I make fun of myself on social media for my own amusement. Madison, I’ve known since kindergarten. We stay close with our obsession for the latest memes, being cheerleaders in 2nd grade, and our moms being in the PTA throughout our whole elementary school lives. But we’re still close throughout everything else. Madison is 6 foot I swear. She’s literally almost as tall as my dad. She’s always one for just jeans and a sweater or a regular t-shirt, but when she does dress up, it’s like an angel stepped onto this unearthly soil.

 Bella is with me at this very moment, sitting in my bedroom, talking about this new makeup palette she just got. I told her the blue was my favorite color and now she wants to try it out on me so I guess that’s what I’ll be doing tonight.

 “Hey man, do you have to go to your dad’s tonight?” My voice isn’t loud enough due to her tapping through Snapchat stories and her volume being so high you’d think she’s deaf.

 “Dude,” I laugh, out of both humor and annoyance. “Brother.” This time I tap on her shoulder, and she starts singing that damn song about brothers and sisters and endless roads to discover or some shit like that.

 “What?”

 “I said, do you have to go to your dad’s tonight?”

 “No, I’m leaving early tomorrow morning. He got a new kitten and wants to show me.” She sets her phone down and begins to open the pack of makeup wipes to hand me one. She’s got her mind set on doing my makeup now.

 “Well I mean, do you wanna crash here tonight? I think I could ask my dad if we could go rent some movies.” Retrieving the towelette, I begin cleaning my face with vigor. My acne is something I’ll always hate about myself and honestly if I weren’t so lazy and felt discouraged from the bad reviews, I’d get Proactive or whatever that stuff is. Bella nods, grabbing her phone again to do what I assume she’s doing and text her mother to ask if she can stay here. Honestly though, I don’t really know why she asks. She knows her mom is going to say yes, plus she literally lives across the hall. If she was that afraid to poop in my bathroom all she’d have to do is walk across to her bathroom and let one rip. Everything would be fine.

 “Mom doesn’t care.”

 “I know.” She laughed at that.

 “So, do you want me to still do your makeup or do you want to go get the movies and stuff while I go get my clothes together?” She stuffed her phone back in her pocket and her eyes locked on me and what I was currently doing which was still attacking my face with the makeup wipe as if it were saving my life.

 Felt like it was, let me be real here.

 “I mean, it’s whatever you want to do.”

 “Okay, I’ll meet you back here in an hour?” Bella retrieves her keys from my bed and starts to walk out of my room and is gone before I could even respond. I got myself up, grabbed my own keys and cellphone to put them in my bag, and began walking out of my room. When I reached for the door I heard footsteps behind me and instantly remembered it was my dad, he got off work early. I turn to face him, his regular “don’t fuck with me” expression on his face and I was the only one who was brave enough to talk to him without fear when he was in his bad moods. He wasn’t in a bad mood often but when he was, his words were very out there considering every sentence he spoke had at least three curse words in them. I love my dad with everything in me. He’s not only my father, but he’s my mentor. I look up to him and how he reacts to those who verbally attack him, he always has that “I don’t care, fuck off” attitude.

 “Hey, dad.” I step away from the door and to where he stands, wrapping my arms around his tall frame. He smells like he usually does, old spice and weed. He smokes it not only to calm his nerves, but because he can. He knows it doesn’t bother me anymore; it used to hurt my stomach but now I’m more used to it than the cigarette smoke, and he’s been smoking those for almost 25 or more years. “How was work?” I already know what he’s gonna say, though.

 “It was work.” Exactly.

 “Nothing new? Did Michael get on your nerves at all today?” Michael, also Mike, is one of dad’s friends and is his partner at Lane Valente Industries. He desperately needed a job and came running to my dad for help and my dad, who could fire him before he even gets in the van, of course offered him a job because Mike is one of his closest friends.

 “Who, Biker Chick? — “Mike’s nickname, you should see what he looks like— “He’s a dumbass, he knows this. He slept the whole ride there and the whole ride back. I just listened to my music.” I pulled away from my dad’s hug with a smile spread across my lips from his remarks on his friend.

 “Yeah. Well, I was wondering if Bella could come over, she was wanting to do my makeup and we were just gonna watch some movies.” I had a hopeful face put on for him, because I know he’s gonna say yes, but one of these days I hope he’ll say no just so that I could know I’m not some spoiled child.

“I don’t mind, just don’t sneak out tonight, alright? I know what you two do at three in the morning.” He sounds almost as serious as the world’s most famous comedian, but I know he means it. I can see it in his eyes when I walk in when the sun is coming up and he’s leaving for work. He has that worried, ‘holy hell are you alright?’ expression plastered on his face.

 My father and I are insomniacs, Bella isn’t innocent, either. Although she has hers more under control, we’re all three almost always up. I had to stop taking melatonin after what I read on it, supposedly it can mess with sexual reproduction, but I’m not too worried about it since I didn’t want kids to begin with. But, it says it does affect growth and I strive to stay taller than Alexis. Dad knows I don’t sleep, he’s walked in on me simply staring at the wall practically aching to be asleep and yet he can’t do anything. He seems to be the only one who gets it, my mom always thought that it was because of my phone but when she took everything from me, I still sat up night after night in my room, craving sleep but unable to fulfill the need.

 “We won’t sneak out, I’ll come in and ask you first before we even consider going anywhere, okay?” I reach for another hug before make my way back to the front door.

 “Yeah okay,” He doesn’t believe me. “Where are you going now?”

 “To get some movies from the MovieBox, to the store to get some ice cream. Do you want anything?” I know he won’t tell me what he wants. He’s been talking about that Sully movie for almost three weeks now, he really wants to see that. He also really likes red velvet cake; pretty sure he hasn’t had one in a while since he’s been trying to keep his sugar under control. He doesn’t want to eat too many things with sugar in them but then again, I don’t want him passing out on his way out of my bedroom again for me to have to run and find something sweet in the pantry to shove down his throat just to make him come to again. “I’m getting you something sweet, that’s a no brainer.”

 “Zero,” His voice got deeper. “I don’t want anything.”

 “Dad, I’m getting you something, when’s the last time you even had something sweet?” I thought this was probably gonna turn into the argument we both hate pitching.

 “Fine, but hurry back. I’m ordering from China One.” He’s scrolling on his phone for what I assume is either a website or Google to find out what their number is. I simply nod and make my way out of the condominium, making my way into the elevator before and I failed to notice that someone was moving into the space at the end of the hall. The landlord used to let Bella and I go in there from time to time to look, maybe hang out a little bit. It looks like a mix of both mine and Bella’s condo’s put together, but it isn’t as nice. All I saw were boxes though, that could just be the UPS man being too lazy to even knock on the door. I knew Anthony was shy, but I didn’t know he was so shy as to do something like that, he could lose his job.

 Once I reached the lobby, I was pretty much convinced that someone is moving into the condo; I even saw one of the guys. Chocolate skin, black square glasses accent his face, Adidas dressing his frame with black Nike’s on his large feet. From what I see, he has three brothers and his father. The condo is for a family of five, the one my dad and I live in is for three.

 The guy looked at me, and I could feel it in my veins. I’ve always been one for being able to feel someone staring at me. I know several other people can do that but when it happens to me, my veins start tingling and I get all warm.  An uncomfortable warm.

 I think I know where this is headed.