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deadcactuswalking · 7 years ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 25th March 2018

Sorry it’s a little late but it’s here anyways so here we go – a slap-dash episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Top 10

Guess. Just guess. What do you think is in in this spot? Of course, still at the top, we have Drake’s “God’s Plan” that is slowly creeping down and giving the other spots maybe some speck of a chance, but not yet. It’s still a monster for now.

That is why I have to formally apologise to the runner-up spot, “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen, still struggling to rack up streams in order to beat that piece of Drake holding the top spot.

”Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man surprisingly stays at number-three...

...while “Friends” by Marshmello and Anne-Mari e is staying at number-four.

The first real change-up here, however, is the seven-spot uptake that George Ezra’s “Paradise” took thanks to the album’s release, sending it straight to the top five, albeit barely scraping it at number-five. Joy.

“IDGAF” by Dua Lipa starts to slow down one space to number-six.

“This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble takes another one-space drop to number-seven.

“Psycho” by Post Malone featuring Ty Dolla $ign also takes a one-spot loss to number-eight.

However, “The Middle” by Zedd and Grey featuring Maren Morris does the opposite, creeping up a position to number-nine.

Finally, we have “All the Stars” by Kendrick Lamar and SZA, down two spots to number-ten, rounding off the most popular ten tracks this week.

Climbers

While there aren’t many big climbs this week, there’s quite a few album boosts so keep up here. We have “Meant to Be” by Bebe Rexha featuring Florida Georgia Line taking an undeserving eight-spot jump to #12. I really hope this does not hit the top 10. “Lullaby” by Sigala featuring Paloma Faith also takes a seemingly random leap up six places in the charts, now to #13. However, the boosts here that make a lot of sense are just because of the albums they originate from, as XXXTENTACION’s “SAD!” climbs the eight-spot hill to breaking the top 20 (at #20), and Khalid and Normani take their soundtrack hit “Love Lies” on a six-space stream up to #24.

Fallers

I could talk about “Never be the Same” dropping down six spaces to #19, the slow but sad five-spot loss for “Sanctify” by Years & Years to #30, or even how “Blinded by Your Grace, Pt. 2” by Stormzy featuring MNEK bids adieu once again, taking a nine-space fall to #40, but what I really want to talk about is how Ramz’ “Barking” (ten spaces to #39) and Liam Payne and Rita Ora’s “For You (Fifty Shades Freed)” (13 spaces to #29) oddly are starting to drop out from the top 40 pretty early for how big these songs were in their heyday, earlier this year.

Dropouts

Rest in peace, “Finesse” by Bruno Mars and Cardi B gone too soon, narrowly dropping out from #40 to #41. It might come back soon, but we shall mourn for now. “Rapper” by Hardi Caprio also drops out from #38 because nobody cared about that song – I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.

NEW ARRIVALS

#31 – “Moonlight” – XXXABOMINATION

I’ve listened to this prior thanks to my decision to listen to X’s whole album, ? (yes, that is what his album is called), before any of it debuted on the charts... and listen, I hate this scumbag as much as you do – and chart milestones definitely aren’t the only things he’s going to have a legacy for beating – but I really like this song. You’ve got the twinkling constantly changing and pulsating synth playing as back-up to the rattling hi-hats and hand-claps (that really could be mixed better but like the rest of the album, there are some lo-fi decisions here) as well as X’s vocals that show some smoothness to his yet-to-mature voice, with a nice acoustic guitar melody to boot and one of the catchiest hooks to come out of that album. Yeah, while the album is pretty mediocre at best, I still have a soft spot for this track.

#16 – “Freaky Friday” – Lil Dicky featuring Chris Brown

Yo, Lil Dicky: is this supposed to be a joke? Is this supposed to have a joke? No, seriously, where is the joke? Is it the part where Lil Dicky – in Chris Brown’s body and voice no less – rhymes the N-word with itself a dozen or so times? Is it the part where Ed Sheeran tops “Shape of You” in terms of pure laziness, having his worst charting appearance on a song to date? Is it the part where Lil Dicky mentions Chris Brown’s assault charges as a joke? Because that’s not funny either—well, actually, I mean, I just kind of did that in the last section but I doubt X is going to want to croon on my tracks anytime soon. Like, really, Chris? You think it’s okay to pass it off as a joke? I know it happened nine years ago, but none of us have seen a truly sincere apology from you, and in your many collaborations with Rihanna where you beat that kitty up, there’s no remorse, there’s no sense of knowing what on earth you’re saying. Chris is joking about this in a way you’d joke about accidentally tripping over a chair and pushing the wedding cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake onto the floor – that’s a big mistake but in the end, you can get another wedding cake, right? You can’t really take back all the trauma and all the life-changing pain you inflicted on Rih, who was barely even 20 at the time, as if you were a replacing a cake, and it’s absolutely devastating that you think joking about it with your newfound friend, Lil Dicky, is okay. Oh, yeah, there’s also a cameo from DJ Khaled as well as Kendall Jenner, who sings about wanting to know the inner workings of a woman with the cheapest autotune, which I’d appreciate as some kind of presentation of lesbian pride or at least something interesting in this song if it weren’t tied to the loose and moronic plot of Chris and Lil Dicky switching bodies, until Dicky eventually switches with Ed Sheeran, DJ Khaled and Kendall Jenner in one of the unfunniest outros OR intros to ever come out of a hip-hop song – and that includes Joey Bada$$ and XXXTENTACION saying they want to catch all diseases in order to get rid of all diseases on “infinity (888)”. Seriously, what the hell, Joey? No matter how much you say that, catching Chlamydia is not “G-s***”. We’re getting sidetracked, thankfully, so I will continue to talk about Joey Bada$$, one of the best rappers to come out of our generation, who can make political and conscious music but also some damn good boom-bap jams and bangers, creating one of the best balances I’ve seen lyrically in this “new school”. Sadly, however, the baby kangaroo with the dollar signs in his name is not on this track, instead we have Kendall Jenner, a crooning muggle, a constantly-yelling bearded penguin who, no matter how many times he tries to say he does, does not make “THE BEST MUSIC!”, as well as an unfunny hack and a woman-beater. Thanks for that! Also, by the way, this debuted in the top 20, and will probably debut even higher in the top ten in the US! Joy. There’s no conclusion for two reasons: there’s only two tracks and isn’t it blatantly obvious which one I like more? Screw you, Lil Dicky, and a definite SCREW you, Chris Brown! I’m out.

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deadcactuswalking · 7 years ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 28th January 2018

This week was very, very busy so I’m going to get straight to the point here and look at our top ten, which has changed quite a bit to say the least.

Top 10

I suppose we won’t be having Eminem topping the chart for much longer, not even with Ed Sheeran’s help, as Drake’s most recent snoozefest has, in the first time in Reviewing the Charts history, debuted at number-one. All I have to say about this is... really? I’d rather have Lil Pump top the charts, at least he’s relatively interesting.

“Barking” by Ramz stays at number-two in the runner-up position as I just keep on losing interest in this dude.

At number-three, we have last week’s chart-topping “River” by Eminem featuring Ed Sheeran, and I’m not bothered, really, it’s okay, not amazing.

“IDGAF” by Dua Lipa is up by 10 spots all the way to number-four, and that’s just all for the best, this song is amazing.

“Tip Toe” by Jason Derulo featuring French Montana has made the top five, because the UK charts love me today, and decided this should go up three spaces.

The new arrivals are really messing up whatever traction Cardi B’s remix of “Finesse” by Bruno Mars ever had, now it’s down to number-six, but I do hope it makes a rebound soon.

“Perfect” by Ed Sheeran – now just Ed, without Beyoncé for some reason – is down four spots to number-seven, which means the UK is taking baby steps towards no longer caring about Ed Sheeran. Thank God.

We have another new entry into the top ten, with “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble up five spots to number-eight.

Our final new entry into the top ten is “Breathe” by Jax Jones featuring Ina Wroldsen three spaces up to nine.

To finish off our top ten, once again, is the non-mover “I Know You” by Craig David and Bastille.

Climbers

Other than the top ten having some major change-ups, we also have quite a few climbers and fallers, with the biggest climber being “Strangers” by Sigrid going up a massive 12 spaces to #14. “Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man also hits the top 20 incredibly late, going up five spaces to #20 – seriously, why now? Is this all because of that advert? Not that I’m upset, this is a great track. “Him & I” by G-Eazy and Halsey also went up five spaces to #27, but if you care about that song at all, I don’t know what to say to you.

Other minor climbers include “Bad” by Steel Banglez featuring Yungen, MoStack, Mr. Eazi and Not3s up to #30 and “Bouff Daddy” by J Hus up to #26.

Fallers

Jesus. The amount of fallers this week is unbelievable, but not many of them are very large. The top twenty contains most of the major drops, with “I Miss You” by Clean Bandit and Julia Michaels dropping seven spaces, “Anywhere” by Rita Ora dropping six spaces, “Let You Down” by NF dropping four spaces, “Never be the Same” by Camila Cabello dropping eight spaces, “17” by MK dropping five spaces and "Decline" by RAYE and Mr. Eazi down three spaces to #11, #12, #13, #15, #16 and #18 respectively. "Havana" by Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug is also down six spaces to #22, unfortunately, as is "Naked" by James Arthur, fortunately. "For You (Fifty Shades Freed)" is proving itself as a flop, with the Liam Payne and Rita Ora debut dropping eight spaces to #29. Justin Timberlake jumped down a 10-spot bridge down to #38 with "Filthy" with me as the cackling overseer.

Other minor falls include "No Words" by Dave featuring MoStack down to #24, "Wolves" by Selena Gomez and Marshmello down to #25, "rockstar" by Post Malone featuring 21 Savage down to #31, "New Rules" by Dua Lipa down to #34, "Dimelo" by Rak-Su featuring Naughty Boy and Wyclef Jean down to #35, "Let Me Down" by Jorja Smith featuring Stormzy down to #36, "All the Stars" by Kendrick Lamar and SZA down to #37 and "Silence" by Marshmello featuring Khalid down to #39.

Dropouts

Maybe my theory is correct. The UK is getting tired of Ed Sheeran, and it's a damn good sight to see "Shape of You" finally drop out the top 40 from #39. Sure, it's still in the top 100, but who cares about the other 60 songs? Let's be fair here. "Man's Not Hot" by Big Shaq finally realises its status as a meme deep into the grave, and drops out from #18 to my glee. Stormzy and MNEK also drop out with "Blinded by Your Grace, Pt. 2" from #37, as does "My My My!" by Troye Sivan from #38 after its first week (flop alert). We haven't talked about the new arrivals yet, but I'm sure this is gonna be a good week looking at these dropouts, fallers and climbers.

NEW ARRIVALS

Let's see if this really is a good week by looking at our new arrivals.

#40 - "Sick Boy" - The Chainsmokers

Andrew Taggart can’t sing but he does his best here, I suppose, with his slightly nasal multi-tracked vocals over the oddly dark pop ballad, with simple piano melodies played over drums that are not trap snares or rattling hi-hats or steel pans, a first for Reviewing the Charts – yes, seriously. The synths in the bridge are pretty intense as well, making this a pretty powerful alternative rock song, which I can call an ironic anthem for sick boys, I suppose. They say that he’s the sick boy, and his singing voice proves their point massively. It’s not a bad song though, with a better vocalist and maybe, you know, not being completely all over the place in terms of structure, this could have easily been best of the week. We need more upbeat rock in the top 40, even if, yes, it is from the Chainsmokers.

#33 - "These Days" - Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen

Four artists, all of which are hit-and-miss (excluding the complete nobody Dan Caplen), collaborate for something that’s completely out of all their leagues: a largely acoustic yet also largely electronic pop nostalgia ballad, with gospel choir vocals assisting Jess Glynne on the chorus and Dan Caplen channelling his inner Ed Sheeran. It’s actually pretty excellent for a generic pop song, in fact, I’d call it perfect. The vocaloid drop sounds so much like an electric guitar that I can pass it off as a guitar solo, and there’s some creative manipulation of the vocals here to create trumpet-like blares in the post-chorus. Macklemore’s slightly autotuned rap verse isn’t bad, but he doesn’t make much of an impression, especially at the end of his section where he’s overwhelmed by both Caplen and Glynne��s vocals as well as the elegant synths and (real) trumpets. This is essentially a representation of British popular music in 2017, but made so much more natural. Check this out, even if the Bon Jovi song of the same title is much better, just saying.

#32 - "Fine Line" - Mabel featuring Not3s

We’ve had pop and rock so it’s about time for some boring reggae-rap, right? Nope! Mabel switches things up with a dancehall-influenced tropical R&B jam with a twinkly synth lead and cluttered percussion that could have been cleaned up to match the smoothness of the production and Mabel’s vocals, which make her sound better than she ever has, seriously, she sounds amazing on this track, for the most part. When she doesn’t sound amazing, she’s forcing Jamaican inflections that are so obnoxiously forced it’s borderline racist. Not3s can’t sing, so he decides to mumble back in the mix with Mabel bringing some liveliness to his verse, while he switches up his flow that combines rapping and singing into a weird mush of Future-like nonsense except much more audible. The one thing bringing these two songs down is the guest rapper, but again, their involvement is not noticeable enough to really make them bad songs, or even mediocre. This is pretty nice, and I hope when Mabel’s album comes around, this track is replaced with one without Not3s. Not3s’ name is fitting because his verses are comparable to leet-speak: they’re wastes of time and I’m sick of them.

#21 - "Diplomatic Immunity" - Drake

I despise Drake to my very core because of his complete lack of interesting qualities, but when he really starts spitting, you have a really good song on your hands. This is no exception, with the orchestral intro leading into a chilled trap beat where Drake can just freestyle bars about, yes, bragging of course, but he pulls it off, with more enthusiasm than he usually has, and some really funny punchlines. While I wish the bass wasn’t as high in the mix as it is, it doesn’t affect the song that much. The several vocal samples of a female voice throughout the track had some soulful smoothness to an otherwise trap beat, making a beautiful contrast between the grittiness of the hi-hats as well as Drake himself (who now listens to heavy metal for meditation; thanks for that update, Aubrey) and the orchestral instruments, which break down into an intense outro which is probably one of the best and most interesting moments in Drake’s career. It’s not that hard, to be fair, but this is taking the cake. If the bass wasn’t as prominent as it was and Drake’s rhymes were tighter, this could have taken best of the week.

#1 - “God’s Plan” - Drake

So, this is the big debut from Drake, and is it any interesting? No. Oh, you want me to talk about it? Too bad. Drake doesn’t deserve any more of my interest, and he doesn’t deserve any more of yours. The keys in the background make this a really hard listen, with the autotuned Drake crooning not helping, and when he’s not singing, he’s rapping, but the length of these verses are so short I can just ignore their existence. This is background music, and Drake is a background person who is unfairly pushed into the forefront. Drake has talent, but the sheer oversaturation of him on the charts and in the public conscience is too much for me to handle, and I’m sure it’s too much for Drake to handle. In this case, I understand why his music is so full of dread and reeks of laziness; he can’t truly make what he wants to make and what he has a passion for simply because he is afraid of his relevancy slowly fading away, and I can’t blame him in the world of one-hit wonders and stream-hungry Soundcloud rappers making undeserved waves in the mainstream because at this point, anyone can have a hit, and Drake is one of the very few true pop stars in the game right now. Does this sound familiar? Well, that’s because a similar situation happened between Lil Wayne and Birdman. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the Young Money tree, huh. This is still a bore of a song, though, and totally did not deserve to break all-time streaming numbers.

Conclusion

So, we ended this week on a slightly depressing note, but overall, this week is awesome, and I don’t think I can even give a worst of the week or a dishonourable mention because the only reason “God’s Plan” fails is because of its drab production and unenthusiastic vocals. Surprise, surprise! That’s Drake for you. Honourable mentions go to “Diplomatic Immunity” and “Sick Boy” by the Chainsmokers for being awesome anthems for the OVO label and... ironic sick boys...? The best of the week goes to pop perfection, as it probably will until I grow sick of the “so-perfect-it’s-boring” trend of songs that seem to be more popular in the UK than the US by a landslide, “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen. I’d make predictions but I don’t know what to expect, maybe a Fall Out Boy song or something? God knows. See ya next time on Reviewing the Charts!

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