#and Ive tried so hard to be good enough but ill never be able to love you the way you want

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

Tw SH, sucide

[beelzebubsbois]

I need someone. ANYONE. other than my boyfriend to understand that I physically and mentally cannot love and care more than I already do.

I can't just force myself to care. I can pretend, but only for so long before it bores me and I don't get anything back from it so it becomes not worth it.

I CANT give more attention than what I give because it's exhausting.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

i havent seen the inside of your ask box for ages so let me just say i finished money magic and WOAH. leave some talent for the rest of us damn. also. im going to add ‘financial domination’ to my mental list of kinks and im doing it with a sly smirk on my face because id never heard of it before this fic and i certainly will be looking for more in the future.

i genuinely think im into it only because you write it so. fucking. well. i love this community youve built where so many people can discover new kinks through your writing and it makes me so happy being able to find out new things about myself from a piece of art like this. i just love fandom sometimes.

plus i think of your blog as a haven bc i can come here anytime i want and its like someone took all the things i love about fandom and put it through your brain then onto here. a true blessing.

ok onto the fic itself, i have a few things to say:

1) i will never get over the way you build up to the climax of the fic. like, from the beginning, its always so obvious that something big is going to happen and i just can never wait until the next update to find out. i dont think ive ever skim read one of your paragraphs because every word pulls me in a makes me want moreee.

2) the way you use imagery in your work is actually something i think should be studied because you do it SO WELL. an example from chapter one that i cant stop thinking about;

His mind whirls. He’s back to spinning out of control. It feels as though his head might come off his shoulders, twisted and twisted and twisted around, thinning his neck, and becoming too unsteady.

like hello???? i can picture every tiny little detail of this moment and its insane how you can just do that.

3) the chemistry between your characters never feels forced or awkward. ive noticed that you dont use dialogue too much when writing smut and i love that because it lets the reader really visualise whats going on. but when you do its absolutely perfect. the way you kept the power dynamics going steadily throughout and even when they were talking on the balcony, it just made me realise how much you really care about what you write and it made reading so much more enjoyable.

theres literally like a million other things i could say but im not gna ramble here. instead, take some snippets that i especially enjoyed that i will think about for a long, long time:

A shiver wracks Steve’s body, accompanied by a rough exhale that fills his bedroom—a confession of how much he’s enjoying this by its very nature.

-

Steve shivers so hard it might as well be a convulsion. Good. The way his words leave no room for argument, for thought, for anything but all this electric embarrassment to fill his veins and circulate throughout his body, polluting him tip to tail. Jesus. He commands all of Steve without being there. It’s heady. He can feel himself being pulled in like a sailor, lonely after months at sea, to a siren.

-

A moan comes tumbling out of his mouth, humiliated to the point that he feels dizzy. He couldn’t stand and walk straight if he tried, he’d stumble and fall onto his knees. He wants to stumble and fall and have Bucky push his heavy hands into his hair, he wants to feel the cold metal of his rings and the blunt sharpness of his fingernails against his scalp as he grabs and pulls and twists, making sure Steve feels his place.

-

Steve imagines this is what being a pinata feels like, struck hard enough that it's twirling around its point of suspension, unable to know what’s up or down, left or right, just focused on each hit and when the next one is going to come, then, ah!, all of the sudden spilling its bounty.

-

i could put the whole fic here but you know. that’d be too long. ill just have to hope what ive said here is enough.

bottom line is that im OBSESSED and i will be taking the pleasure of rereading this fic as soon as i can. thank you so much for sharing!!! lots of love 💗

"Money Magic"

YOU ARE SO SWEET, ARCHIE!

Thank you, lovely <3

I'm so glad to hear that you finished that fic, and, more importantly, that you enjoyed the read so much! You're too kind. Haha, I'm hitting you again with the kink discovery. I think if I can't find a job (a scarily real threat, lmao), I can make a job of that alone 💀💀 I, too, though, am going to be looking for more of it! I haven't found anything else with fin domming in stucky fics, but I would love to!

I'm honored that it's even a possibility that you'd just be into it because of the way I write it <3 Me too!! I love the absolute filth I can write and people not batting an eye, aside from horny reactions that I enjoy very much. Thank you. Plus, even better, so many people have come into my inbox to say depraved, kinky shit. Like. YES. Discover more kinks from me, tell me more about your kinks, and let's explore it all. Not you calling my porn writing art

(Like, absolutely, porn is art. Art inspires emotion, and horny is a valid emotion. I wholeheartedly believe that and would very readily call lots of other writers erotica art, but hearing that about my own? Wtf. Shits wild)

And calling my blog a haven?! Staaawp. You're too cute and nice, I can't take it

1) Ah! I'm so glad to hear that 'cause I plan out my fics EXTENSIVELY, lmao, and I try very hard to up myself consistently within my longer, chaptered fics.

2) You are so fucking sweet I am gonna scream. Oh my god!! I love how you pulled quotes from my text! What the hell??? That's so nice!

3) Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I feel like I use a lot of dialog 💀💀 That's probably because I think so hard about my dialog, though, lol. I do care, definitely. I care too much sometimes 😅 but, yeah, I try to always think, okay, but would the character actually ever say or behave like that? Both this AU character, but also the canon character because the AU is, of course, a canon extension/expansion.

Aww, I don't have words (which is saying something for me, haha)! Again, though, I love, love, love that you included snippets that stuck out to you!

YOU'RE SO SWEET!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND THANK YOU FOR SUCH WONDERFUL COMMENTS ALONG THE WAY!

[alienaiver]

Who do you ship me with? (Don't automatically pick my favorites, please 😋) You can choose fandoms I don't know yet too.

ill go for some different fandoms !!!!

in bnha im going with......

sato rikido! i think your lovely nature would compliment his as well; and i bet he would do his absolute best to find alternative ways to bake something without sugar or any other ingredients so that you'd be able to ingest snd enjoy his baking!! he would loooove to try and bake tons of things. some of them would end up disappointing for you both, but he loves how you always find anything, even the tiniest thing to compliment; like the crust, or the consistency of the batter!!! he'd love date nights with cuddles and movies about the big questions of life with happy endings but that makes both of you sniffle a little during the sad parts. he'd be very flustered when you met his parents, and even tho its HIS own parents, you'd end up speaking for both of you during the dinner because hes just such a smiley, nervous wreck who nods and stutters !!!

for haikyuu.... that was a tough one solely because of all the lovely options! 👀 but i have to go with fukunaga shouhei !!! 🥺 he'd end up wooeing you with his dry but perfectly delivered jokes and nicely personal pick-up lines. he'd spend a long time making them personalized to impress you! in the beginning theyre a bit hit or miss, sometimes even accidentally insulting. but he ALWAYS makes up for it with a little silly choreographed dance and your favorite drink from the convenience store !!! its very precious and silly, and he completely fell for you when you delivered a witty pun to one of his jokes during a training camp. he was heart eyes for a while in secret (everyone on the team knew) before he decided to give it his shot!!!

im also assigning you a d. gray man husband !!!

this wasnt too hard actually, bcos i think youd make a really adorable pair! im pulling bak chang along, and he'd be a stumbling, stuttering mess introducing himself to you. he doesnt completely trust me that ive told only good things about him to you, because hes a silly goose with various (lazy) morales even tho he has such a high position. tho fret not, when needed he is a good branch chief!!

his dates are a little bit chaotic as he tries to woo you because of the nature of his job, but he never skips on any of the romantic tidbits! theyre just sometimes cut short. after he's successfully (at least he hopes theyve been grand enough to impress you) he spends a lot of time finding you secret hiding spots where he can just. be himself, comfortable and relaxed around you, talking about anything and nothing in particular. hes never had a normal childhood or youth or big experiences outside of the branch, so he enjoys listening to your story from the outside world and what mischief you mightve done as a kid. its a lovely change of pace for the both of you, and you love seeing this relaxed side of him, that he only shows you!!! hes not big on taking care of himself, but he will always make sure youre well fed, well rested and comfortable 🧡 (he even skips work if youre sick to take care of u!!! but he kidnaps you LMAO from the sick ward because otherwise won would find him there and drag him back to work 🤡)

[hauntedotherworld]

i cant take it anymore. its too painful and i have nothing but suffering thats all i feel and its always been hopeless

i have NOTHING, no one at all to live for .. the one i lost i dont even .. i dont even know if i want her back, although i know we will never meet or talk ever agaib. its already been years. its hard when the person is your fp or.. ex fp.. the feelings that are overwhelming stay but at the same time i have so much anger and despair for what she did. i wish it never happened i had no control over it and i hate it, i HATE HER . SHES THE WORST and never cared like i did, even though we had such a strong bond.. to her it was normal friendship which by the end disapeared.. not for me. because my fucking fucked up head isnt like everyone elses and so im left all alome all i have is suffering, nothing will ever be good enough anymore. i doubt i could even feel that ever again.. i hate her too. i wish i never met her, because otherwise atleast i couldve not known what that felt like. to have an fp. someone who is the entire world for me and i couldnt do shit about it . all i can think of is memories and mourn it . but i also hate her and in one way do not care or wish to EVER meet her again- which again will never happen anyway.. i just feel so fucking empty and have forever but it gets worse the older i get. i cant feel ANYTHING FOR LIFE let alone others now. im living for no reason at all. every part of the day is just empty, void depression and deep bored and loneliness. nothing and no one can fill that anymire either, i knew that when i had gone to college (for a few months until i dropped out and left those great friends id made) because it didnt make me feel ok and i couldnt handle it , i left as always. so i never have anybody. and when i try and form a conmection with stra gers , just to feel sometthing - i feel absolutely nothing at all . nothing now. all i do id hate myself and stuck in my head.

i never want a family i dont care about love anymore or anything and all i feel is that deep empty, despairing feeling and its unBEARABLE .. every fucking day. all i can do is repeat that in my mind and breakdown because what else am i able to do except die? but aside from my anxiety about that, even dying doesnt sound good anymore.. because what will happen? i feel i wont go to heaven because i quit church because of the horrible _thing there. i dont really care abput anything.. except my dog but that isnt enough to make me able to get through when everythings missing and IT ALWAYS WILL BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. HAVE THIS MENTAL ILLNESS, BPD, AND MAJOR DEPRESSION WITH ANXIETY AND OTHER SHIT THAT RUINED EVERYTHING. ive tried SO hard. so fuckinh hard everyday its torture it always has been but its gotten worse to the point i can hardly think i just feel like an empty shell and the pain is like nothing else. i dont know whatll happen if i die, but whatever happens it should be better than this.. if not, i cant escape it itll come on its own if i dont. so i should just do it. no one cares anyway and i dont either

im just so heartbroken and what i fucking had to be and what my life hd to be. its not fair and nobody except others like me know what this is like.

i cant do it guys its harder and harder and i cant carry on i swear to god

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi Kait.

It’s been a little while. I hope you’re doing well. <3

I’m always rooting for your success and happiness lol.

I feel bad and sheepish because I never wanna be that person who only ever pops by to like,,, dump a vent when I’m struggling.

I wish I had more fun or creative stuff I could share with you more often.

I think about trying to make you a gift of some sort a lot but I always chicken out. 😔

But tbh I think the reason I feel inclined to come here when I’m feeling bad is because when I am struggling,, that’s when I turn to thoughts of Saeyoung as a source of comfort. And your blog is the best outlet I’ve found to be able to express those feelings haha.

At any rate…

I wonder if you can relate to this experience…?

When I was really sick, my mental health issues actually kinda felt better…?

It’s not like they actually went away or anything.

It’s just that,,, I literally didn’t have the mental capacity to fixate on those things like I normally would. I was deadass too exhausted to indulge my anxious or depressed thoughts and let myself spiral lmao

But now that I’m slowly staring to feel better physically, those old patterns and thoughts and feelings have been creeping back in little by little too :))

(Super unfair if you ask me 🙄 bc I *am* still sick and in pain. Just slightly less so. And now I gotta deal with the mental illness on top of it all? Now my bones hurt AND my tummy hurts AND my silly little pathetic heart hurts. Homophobia at its finest, truly.)

And like… I’m trying really hard to claw my way out of this cute little pit of self-loathing I’ve found myself in.

Especially since I know now, better than ever, that it’s completely pointless…

The world’s gonna keep turning whether I hate myself or not. It’s just a matter of whether or not I’m choosing to make myself miserable in the process.

But,,, you know. It’s never that simple.

And. It’s kinda the “trying hard” that’s been making it hurt tbh.

I can’t stop thinking about the ~injustice~ of how hard Ive tried my whole life to build a future for myself where I could finally feel ~stable and happy and loved~ like I’ve been craving my whole life or whatever. But the universe just keeps saying Sike! Over and over :’)

I had to work so hard just to fuckin survive and keep myself alive my whole childhood.

I never thought I’d be able to go to college,, I didn’t even think it was on the table for me.

But I got lucky and got support and encouragement from my friends,, and somehow I managed to make it. And it meant so much to me. I felt so overjoyed and lucky to be able to be in a place where I didn’t have to worry about my safety all the time, or where I was going to sleep or get my next meal. And better yet,, somewhere where I could pursue my dreams and passions and get a little closer every day to a future I never thought I’d have. :’D

Buuuut then Covid hit, my mental health tanked, and I stopped being able to afford my tuition. And even though I was doing everything I could and DESPERATELY trying to figure things out,, it wasn’t enough. Bc nobody at the school would fuckin help me. And it was so frustrating and upsetting to know that, no matter how good of a student I was (I was a 4.0 student in STEM smh)

And no matter how genuine and passionate I was,,,

It didn’t make a difference. Because all they cared about was my money.

Like. Not to be dramatic. But that shit legit shattered my heart and crushed my soul. :’)

Even so! I told myself,,, hey. It’s okay. You can turn this around. You just have to work harder! Push yourself even further! You’re good at that. You’ve done it before. You just need to get a job and save up so you can go back.

So I got my silly lil minimum wage pet store job.

And goddammit, I was great at that too.

I was the best damn employee at my store, if not the whole company 🙄 bc I’m SMART AND PASSIONATE ABOUT LEARNING AND HELPING ANIMALS AND CREATING BETTER LIVES FOR THEM. UGH. 😤

Worked my tits off for a year and a half. Saved up as much as I could. Got over halfway to my goal that would allow me to finally move away from my home state that I’ve always hated. Go back to school. And really and truly get a shiny new ~fresh start~

But then the universe was like, HA bitch you thought!

You actually worked *too* hard this time and now your body is broken.

So… all that money you just saved up…?

POOF! That’s all going to your medical bills now.

Or at least. A tiny fraction of your medical bills :)

And now you can’t keep working to pay those bills off, or save up more money to go back to school. Because you’re too sick!

So like… good luck I guess??

And now I’m here having to deal with the fact that my friends who started school at the same time as me are graduating this semester.

And I’m just. Spending all my days alone in my room helpless and lonely and rotting :)))

It just really stinks that even though I’ve been trying so hard my whole life and putting SO MUCH of myself into literally everything I do,,, it’s never seemed to pay off.

In fact it feels like if anything, all it’s done is come back to bite me in the ass and make the failure hurt worse in the end.

🙄🙄 big “please please please let me get what I want by the smiths” moment

But anyways *ahem*

Like I said,,,,,

Whenever I get to feeling like this. I definitely always end up thinking about and coming back to Saeyoung.

Because… different life situations, obviously.

I’m glad at least I haven’t had to check “lost twin” or “being a secret agent” off my trauma bingo card yet.

But then again. I never thought I’d check off medical trauma either and look how that turned out, so who knows what the future has in store for me? ����

At any rate,,, I know he’d be able to empathize, and understand those feelings.

More so than anyone I’ve ever met in real life, probably.

That’s definitely a huge part of why he came to mean so much to me in the first place. And why he’s the character I come back to time and time again when things start feeling really unfair.

And,, knowing just how and why he’d be able to understand and relate to those feelings is a big part of why I love him so much…

I just get so overwhelmed any time I get caught up thinking about that man’s endless capacity for goodness and love. Even through all the shit he’s been through. And how,, no matter how hurt he was, how hopeless he felt, or how much he *wanted* to give up. He never ever could. Because that’s just who he is,, if there’s even the slimmest margin of a chance that he could do something to make the world better for his loved ones, he’d drag himself there to the point of physically falling apart and not even think twice about it.

And like,,, yeah,,, it’s an issue in its own right and breaks my heart to think of how far he’d go for others while having so little regard for himself.

But also,,,,, it’s so admirable 😭 I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Saeyoung Choi is made of love.

And like,,, more than just Ye Olde “self-destruction in the name of helping his loved ones” thing,, I also get so worked up just thinkin about him being his silly dorky self,,

And again just… through everything,, even when he tried to convince himself that it was a front and he wasn’t actually like that,,, he never stopped being bright and curious and passionate,,, because that IS who he is,,, he’s a NERD and he genuinely loves learning and trying new things and having fun,,, and spreading that joy to the people around him. 🥹❤️

It just makes me wanna fuckin SMOTHER him with all of the affection and appreciation I could ever possibly muster up. And tell him over and over and over again how incredible and kind and brave and strong and special he is, and how much I love and adore him, and how lucky and proud I feel to even exist in the same universe as someone so earnestly and relentlessly Good. 🥺🥺

I would simply like to love him to death dhdjdjd

And like. I guess it’s cathartic to me to imagine being able to do that and say those things to him.

And to really just,,, bask in those overwhelming feelings of affection.

Bc I guess that’s how I wish someone would see and feel about me 😅 and that I could have someone in my life who would see how hard I try,, and be proud of me, and make me feel like I have value outside of my achievements in life (or,,, lack thereof). And like,,,, love me for all the times I kept going even when it hurt. That would be cool,,,,

Me out here since 2016 trying to fix myself by fixing Saeyoung 💀💀

Literally even now I feel better than I did when I started typing this message having thought about him and how much I love him fjfjfjf

Kuz,,, there’s the catharsis in thinking about being able to say those things that i wish I could hear myself to someone else.

But then there’s the added layer of self-indulgent catharsis of being able to be like,,,

I mean, hey, Saeyoung probably *would* see you in a similar light,,, if anyone would be able to understand and appreciate those things in me, it would be him. :’D

We are,,, the pointing Spider-Man meme,,, but make it gay dhdhdj

And that shit is,,, overwhelming to think about.

Ahh the euphoria of loving Saeyoung Choi shdhjd

And,, imagining a world where he loves me back just as much,,,

That’s nice,,, :’D

Anyways. I don’t know where I intended on going with this. I feel like I’m just awkwardly talking in circles and not making sense.

And I didn’t mean to get as vent-y as I did there.

I guess I just was all tangled up in my thoughts about all this shit and wanted to try and articulate that side of why Saeyoung means so much to me.

And to have an excuse to gush about my precious little meow meow. 🤡

As usual,,, if you’ve actually taken the time to read through this mess. Thank you haha.

Wishing you the best, always. ❤️❤️❤️

Don't worry, I get where you're coming from.

I had the same experience, similar, anyway. I thought college was the way out and went like I was "supposed" to. I suffered for a long time as a child in an abusive, impoverished environment, and there was no way out but a single door that everyone sold me. Well, as soon as the door closed on high school, my body started to give up. I dealt with a single diagnosis at first, and then, by the next time Spring Break was around, I had two more issues that would nearly cause me to lose my life.

Being on death's door after you've fought so hard to escape is a sick joke, and it's hard to put that grief into words. I'm sure you know what I mean, though. You think you're getting out and then it feels like God is laughing in your face. As if to say, "You thought you were allowed to be happy and free? Ha! Sike!" Hitting rock bottom with those types of emotions is not fun in the slightest. I still feel grief in that way when a bad day comes along. Even if you're working through your feelings, a bad flare will make you struggle.

Being Disabled and Chronically Ill means you're in a perpetual loop of "I'm okay with this" > "I hate this" > "This is okay sometimes" > "Why is it that I'm being punished" > "I can't take it anymore" > "This is... okay. I am okay".

You cycle through acceptance, anger, grief, begging, and everything that comes with loss. We don't have to be okay with our struggles, you know? It's not something people can understand unless it's their experience. Sure, if someone close to you is that sick, you might be able to understand, but not all of it. It's something that can't be put into words. Sometimes, the hardest part is trying to get someone to understand that you won't get better. You will only get worse. It's not like a broken arm.

I want you to know that I've been there. Stuck in a bedroom for years and it hurt. I lost out on experiences because I didn't have support in the way I needed. I had to become my own doctor and advocate the second I realized the healthcare system latched onto my anxiety to blame for all my problems. I haven't had health care in years because America is a piece of shit, but I don't think anyone should be forced to become more intelligent than their doctor to save their life. Then, you have to act like you know nothing because if you know too much, they think you doom scroll health conditions online.

But, that's another thing. You get used to it. You shrug. Your pain is a 7 to an average person but to you, it's a 2. You get used to it. You just learn how to adapt. You forget what not being in pain feels like. I can't remember what it felt like to not have something hurt!

Mental health and physical health are other things. When you've got to deal with both of them, it's weird. You might have a bad day with a flare but your mental health is just fine, vice versa, or the opposite of that. If you're in too much physical pain to think, you're not going to think about your depression. You just sleep. God, one thing that did happen to me was that my compulsive hand-washing started to be something I did less because I physically couldn't get out of bed at one point and I just said, "Fuck it. I can't do it. It's fine."

Still have that issue but it's not what it was. It's hard to explain how these issues clash with each other.

Haha. Anyway, I get it. I know what you mean about Saeyoung 'cause I feel the same way about Saeran. I met the RFA in 2016. I was on the door of death, not knowing what was coming next, and they saved a life that day. I don't know where I'd be without this game. Everyone in the group helped me see a chance to live.

Saeyoung was one of the first, too. I love him like a brother because I saw my sacrifices in him. I'm like him in that sense. I would throw my life on the line to see someone else happy. That's not always a good trait because you need to protect yourself, too.

You can't always give to others. Sometimes, you need to be selfish. But, having him by your side to empathize with is cathartic, you're right. He gets it. He knows what you mean and he doesn't judge.

You love him because you see yourself in him. You know he's capable of love, just like you are, and you know that he's safe. He'd know that you're safe, too. He knows you better than you know yourself, and I'd dare say it's the same way the other way around. That's why it's easy to love him. You know he'll never let go of you. You know he'll always fight for you. You want to be fought for, you want to be loved, and you want a chance to be validated the way you validate Saeyoung.

I'd say there's nothing wrong with that.

I look to Saeran because he'd get me. He's been just as sick as I've been and I wouldn't have to tell him what's wrong in detail. I could just look at him with pain in my soul, and he'd know. He'd get it and I wouldn't have to explain it. He'd just hold me... like I'd just hold him at his lowest moment. I feel like loving him makes me a better person. It reminds me that I have to try to treat myself the way I'd treat him... and the way he'd treat me. He'd want me to see something good even at the worst, and that helps me more than a lot of things.

So, I'd say, if you feel low... think about how Saeyoung would fight for you and help that inspire you to fight for yourself. Because he loves you and he always will, even if the galaxy keeps the two of you apart from one another. If you feel a flutter in your chest, it's him, calling out to your heart with a prayer you'll smile again.

And just remember, talking about your grief helps. Don't ball it up. If you have to write something down to let it out, do it. Never hesitate.

[catboynalgas]

soy la gata bajo la lluvia

I can't remember the last time I was in love... I remember moments when I was loved, but not the last time... it's been a while.

im amazed at how difficult it has been to find love, romantic love. is it really this hard to find someone that cares about you the same as you do them? or is it me? am I not good enough to be loved? to be wanted?

for more than a year i have been trying to better myself, to be the best version of me that I can be. and its been really rewarding, im able to do things that I never imagined I could actually do, and there's still so much I want to do! however, i think ive reached a wall... there's no one i can really share these things with. I can share my endeavors with my friends, or talk about it at work, or post about things online but nothing beats the feeling of doing something and receiving a hug right after or getting a kiss as a thank you, feeling that burst of pride from someone you love... that has to be one of the most rewarding things you can experience.

Im very conflicted about this, because on the one hand, without my loneliness I wouldn't have tried or picked up half the shit im into right now, but now that im here, its my loneliness that stops me from moving forward. it takes up so much space in my head that it immobilizes me some days. but again, being able to be with myself and truly enjoy my company is one of the coolest things ive learned to do recently. I go out on my own and have days where all i do is sit with my thoughts, listen to music i love and discover new music, try different food, etc etc etc... point is that love and loneliness are both things that are so complicated and can be both rewarding and devastating.

I have learned to wait for things. no app can fill my heart with love, and no app can cure my loneliness, if i must sit and wait forever to love and be loved again that's what I'll do. i'll fall in love with the idea of being in love, and when i inevitably get lonely, ill look toward those who have been there for me, past and present and continue for them. today i may have felt lonely, but maybe i wont feel that tomorrow... i guess i have to wait and see.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i need to get something of my chest. i am pretty certain that you don't have any solution for it but... i have no one in my real life to talk about this.

tw for suicide and emotional abuse

my mom and i have a typical reversed role relationship. to an extreme. i am cooking for her, doing all chores, her laundry etc. since i was 10. but she once kicked me out when i refused and i was homeless for 5 months until she took me back in so, i won't stop parenting her.

when i was 10 my grandma had to go to a nursing home. we sold her house and then were able to pay a nice private one for her. my mom and i were, and are, pretty poor. and one day on the way back my mom told me something, i don't remember every word, like 'when i am old i don't want to bother anyone. I'll just kill myself *insert here very detailed description of her plans*' and, i don't remember if it were her words or her look but i got the strong vibe of 'unless you take care of me' which would fit our relationship. we had this conversation again, one or two times, after that. i was pretty confused and after some years i decided that i didn't care, that id just let her do as she pleases. i mean, ive waited my whole life to, soon, move out from her, i won't waste more years parenting her. that's the theory, you can probably imagine how far from reality this is. id never let that happen. so the plans b were 'once i move out ill go to therapy until i am comfortable letting her do as she pleases, even if it's killing herself' or 'move far far far away, maybe abroad, so that i can't take care of her'. shitty plans but my mom is in her 50s so i thought, enough time to figure this out.

during the last months she was having a lot of issues with her joints and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that causes rheumatism. she is running from doc to doc, eating an unhealthy amount of painkillers to at least be able to lay in bed, fairly painless. it is heartbreaking to see. she had to skip a lot of days from work because she was unable to move. she started walking very slowly, even on good days. my grandma walks faster. and that isn't acted, because she also does it outside and the imagine to be a 'strong woman' was always incredible important to her. and that made me think about her threat years ago.

fact is: my mom has moodswings and memory issues so it is perfectly possible that she wouldn't repeat that threat nowadays and maybe doesn't even remember doing it back then. but i remember and i don't know what to do. besides all my caring, i care for a lazy adult, not a sick elderly person. since i am currently looking for my first own appartment, i sometimes fear, she'll ask me to stay, to take care of her and the household. because of her rheumatism she can't do many things in the household. not that she tried much but i see that she'd have a hard time living alone. she would probably need someone but she wouldn't accept any help but me so... i am afraid ill have to face a choice soon. if i stay or move out. or even if i move out, i plan on staying in the city for my job, so how much will i care for her, even considering her threat etc.

that's it.

Hi anon,

Your mom sounds quite toxic, forcing you to do virtually all of her responsibilites as a mother and seemingly guilt-tripping you with graphic details of her hypothetically killing herself if you didn't do all these things for her.

Even if your mom wouldn't do the same things or may not remember what she did anymore, it doesn't take away from the fact that she still did those things and she still hurt you. Any illness or disability she may have doesn't absolve her of accountability for her actions, and she shouldn't use it as a crutch to avoid accountability either.

It's fairly possible that she may have a hard time living alone, but that's not necessarily your problem. You don't deserve to put up with your mom's behavior. You may also find a new sense of autonomy and freedom in living alone.

That being said, it's not an easy decision to make as it is of course your own mother, but it's definitely worth thinking about what choice you'd like to make. It might help to think about these questions: What would your life look like if you decided to stay with your mom vs what would your life look like if you decided to leave?

I hope I could help. Best of luck with everything. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[dandie-on-the-wind]

the water runs cold this time of year

river,

its me dandie, but i think the last time we talked you knew my old name. i stopped looking at your blog when i saw you talking about a girl. i remember spiraling when i saw you were heading to another state. i told myself i wanted to check on you and i did, it never actually helped. when we last talked i tried to explain what was going on with me. i didn't get to elaborate, you had already made up your mind about leaving.

i think you had made up your mind about that months before you had the balls to break up with me. i felt it, even from miles away, the pattern repeating, the grip loosening slightly, a flinch of detachment. maybe you saw when i noticed, and i couldn't get you to say anything. i know you were new to this, i pressed you pretty hard, i thought we talked about everything. i should've said you weren't ready. i should've cut it off before it got so bad. i could've saved myself so much pain and confusion.

but in all versions of this story you run, and im not the person who can run after you. it felt like you started off-roading the moment i got into my pace.

sure hindsight is 20/20 and i remember the spark in my head when i thought we were going too fast. there was so much going on in my head and my life and emotions and identity and things were just so overwhelming. and yet, i didn't howl with you, something in me held back. i thought landing in a mattress would be the right choice. it wasn't a fully aired mattress and i felt my body snap when i landed. i should've looked harder.

im not saying it wasn't fun, i truly do think you are a force to be reckoned with. i miss your ramblings about the environment and fishing and the things you liked. i cant think about fly fishing or sword-fern without your face blinking in my mind. i think about telling you things before remembering you dont talk to me. i miss how my dog loved you, i miss that trip we took to that beautiful house. i think about your family living closer to me than you, dreading a day i see them in the wild, how would i even begin to say anything?

now, there was a big part of me that i didn't understand until i met you. you had so much valor and pride. maybe im romanticizing the societal and interpersonal abuse that comes with being different in the gender spectrum. i came out as nonbinary a month after you left me on that park bench. i came out twice in the time i knew you. you had seen and known some of the worst feelings i could imagine and yet you were still out and trying, and ill never be able to thank you enough for showing me that.

you have this raw, blinding pain in that ballroom of yours. when i saw it, i was worried you'd stay waltzing in those marble floors forever. somehow i think you are. your fingers shake to light the match on your new life. your name, your opinions, your fear and your love, all chandeliers in that hall that you seal shut. i know that the longer its sealed the harder it will be to open. ive never had a ballroom, just a dance floor under the stars.

i know i wont be a flash in your mind, how could i be? we had so many deep and intense moments of healing and growing and learning. brains don't just forget about people like that. i just hope you know that severing the pathways like that can cause more harm than good. and i'm sorry i tried so hard to reach for you when i should've let go. you said 'i think wed be great friends' in the same conversation of 'i think we should maybe breakup' it was confusing so i took the better option: be friends. i had been grieving ahead of time, so by the time you finally broke it off i figured we could move on and be friends seamlessly. i wasn't thinking about how you felt, how could i? you wouldn't share how you felt. we both put on smiles and walked on. we were lying to ourselves. still you were definitely a shut door when mine wasn't using hinges

im so excited for my life and i hope you've found some hope in yours. i feel like i would still have a conversation about this if you were ever ready, but thats improbable. plus so much has happened since June. i've been lucky to be busy with my livelihood.

until i see you again, be well. i always end up okay

[racharii]

Prime numbers>:3

mattthhhh t😭t (i had to look up the prime numbers ;w;)

1. Are you a virgin?

no i dont use linux

2. Does anyone besides you know your bra/penis size?

multiple people do and now you do too internet, 34F and in spirit i have a horse cock

3. Do you know anyone who has any STDs?

none currently that im aware of

5. Do you swear under celibacy?

i will not use linux no

7. Have you ever gotten tricked into aphrodisiacs or alcohol for sex?

i was very close once but ya boi skirted the bar rapist by a nut hair

11. If you had to chose one, would you have outdoor sex or car sex?

outdoor sex 💯 car sex is the absolute worst idc what anyone says it gets stinky and gross and also now i have to steam clean my car so no

13. Have you ever helped someone “finish”?

near everytime i have a sexual encounter i try to make my partner bust so yes lol

17. What is your method of masturbation? (i.e. toys, clitoral, prostate)

clitoral and gspot simultaneously is the bessssstttt

19. Has anyone seen your private parts other than yourself or a family member?

i send my friends videos of me jackin it so yeah lmao

23. When was the last time you had sex?

2 days ago im suffering im dying i might as well download debian

29. breast havers: Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation?

no. its nice and adds to it but its not enough to get me off

31. Have you ever sent someone a picture or video of you in the nude? Did it include sexual actions?

as mentioned before i have sent dear friends videos of me shoving stuff up myself so yes lmao

37. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with?

yes 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

41. Favourite sexual position? If you are a virgin, which position interests you?

ill give my top 3 cause its hard to choose ><, missionary cause its intimate and nicey c: , doggy for penetration cause its depersonalizing in an oddly intimate way and makes me feel like an object (hot), and good ol 69 cause i like being eaten out and breath play and making my partner feel good 😏

43. Are you into any BDSM?

any and all ùwú

47. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about someone? Was it about anyone other than your lover?

how i know when someone has crossed the threshold from acquaintance to friend is when ive had The Sex Dream about them,,,

53. Most embarrassing sex/masturbation story?

i was having sex with my now spouse then boyfriend in my childhood bedroom and my grandpa opened the door while wiping down my .22 sports rifle

59. Have you ever fantasized over someone older than you? How much older? Younger? How much younger?

yes, my age range im comfortable interacting with and sleeping with is 90s babies, being 1995 myself its people who are ± 5 years

61. Have you ever had to break up with/divorce someone because you weren’t satisfied with their sex?

no ive never broken up with anyone 😔

67. Are you able to be secretive when you masturbate? (like able to be quiet so no one can hear?)

yes its a talent out of necessity,,, i was one of those "you have to sleep with your hands above the covers" kids lol

71. Strangest sexual position you’ve tried?

head hanging off the edge of the bed deepthroating and have them fuck me with a dildo, awkward position to get into but hot af

73. vagina havers: During sex, vaginal or anal?

¿¿por que no los dos??

79. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial?

i consider all my friends beneficial uwu , and yes currently i have like 3?

83. Birth control or condoms?

birthcontrol for me i fuckin hate condoms begone (also my birthcontrol is lowkey gender confirming hrt so hehehehe)

89. Have you ever had sex during “7 minutes in heaven”?

no,,,, ive never even done 7 minutes in heaven :c

97. Does your lover know if you have masturbated?

if my lover walks upstairs and im not jackin it they are concerned and ask me if im okay

[elyasvalravn]

I think at first id call it fun? Engagement? Engaging? For me its always really nice for sure. I feel motivated to keep playing and keep going. More recently this was in far cry primal. Its storyline is more engaging than far cry 5 for me, but the game play of far cry 5 was more fun. With pokemon its the thrill of adventure, of seeing whats next, what strange npcs ill meet and cute interactions with my pokemon, trying to capture the ones i want, and the easter eggs. The gameplay of pokemon is fairly chill and its got a casual sort of vibe i enjoy that motivates me to keep going. And i have friends who play too, making it more fun. In some games i find "watching the world grow and change because of my choices" the most motivating thing. And ive realized cheating takes the fun out unless im cheating to do a very specific goal.

A challenge is motivating

I want to be *angry* at my antagonists. I want to feel protective over my friends. I want the game to have in world consequences for failure that feel fair and just. In pokemon i dont want to fail because it makes my pokemon dislike me more when they faint and i ...feel bad when i think about my pokemon not wanting to be my friend i guess funny enough. I get attached i guess. Turns out dark types hate you from the start and when id gone to see what my absol thought of me at the friendship rating guy i was genuinely stunned to be asked why i never use them in battle. Told my absol disliked me and felt neglected or uncared for. An absol i always kept on the sidelines more like a cute pet than anything.

That struck me you know?

And so i started using that absol more even when it was at a disadvantage. Except when i knew it would just get clobbered i kept at it.

When my actions have consequences, and my efforts have value, i feel engaged i suppose! To summarize all that. It dosent have to be a real in game reward. It can be 'character likes me more' or 'unlock more story'

I like to feel important to the progression of events. I think in oblivion part of what motivated me most was i cared about martin and i wanted to help him.

And when i realized he was (spoilers) going to die at the end

No matter what i did

No matter how hard i tried. Hed be gone forever.

I stopped helping martin. So he'd stay safely in his room. Because i guess id rather let oblivion gates open and quite literal elder scrolls hell to break loose just to keep him safe. DAGNABBIT my boy is not turning into a dragon bye main quest im going to go become sheogorath now (spoilers over) which on that note is why i like sheo. I felt like i was helping him and hes rather interesting. I suppose the problem only comes when i dont want the journey to end and i dont want to lose a character i love

Id rather be able to keep them safe

Frozen in time

Than lose them...

I guess that says more about me than anything. But i digress. I find books harder to pinpoint, what exactly draws me in. But i know good characters will do it. Maybe its the same things

That i care qbout the characters

That their actions have real consequences

That their efforts have merit and result in something that actually changes the world.

I have only read the first wings of fire books so far, and i think it did amazing on all those parts. They also have fears that really affect them. I admit it makes me wish i was a dragon so i could adopt them though. And the sheer gore and brutality in this *freaking kids book* is terrifying and really shows the consequences that the kids are under threat of. Maybe part of why its engaging too is in a dragon and prophecy analogy laden sort of way their struggles remind me of my friends and i at that age, and gives you an empowered, comforting sort of feeling when they manage to succeed, when theyre safe, and you realize theyre going to be okay.

Sometimes a book makes you feel like everythings going to be okay. Even when the world is scary hard and unforgiving.

Maybe thats got a lot to do with what makes me feel engaged.

Maybe thats why i couldnt (spoiler) let martin die (spoiler over)

Because sometimes what you need is to see that everythings going to be okay.

I suppose thats another thing that makes one engaged? Caring? Not just about the characters, but the way they affect you. How the world reacts at the heroes attempts to make things right.

How the world reacts when they fail and suceed

And that feeling when something within it all feels above all else

Real. True. Like theres something in there thats honest about life?

Theres so many great things that make one feel engaged. Those are some to me i guess!

I'd love some input from anyone reading this!!

You're in the middle of playing a game, watching a show, reading something, or maybe just finishing it up. You're hit by the realization that you're currently in the middle of something special. Something that ticks all of the boxes for top-tier content that you have. Something that makes you think. Something that makes you feel. Something that you won't ever be able to experience for the first time again. Something that will become a standard you hold everything else to. Something you won't ever forget.

What is that something for you? What do you call that feeling? Gush about it! Give me that wordsalad. Go feral homie, I wanna know!

[passionextraction]

i remember needing something to love from a very young age; something that was mine and mine alone, something i could carry. it’s always been much easier to care about anything else but myself. some of my friends did art, but my kindergarten teacher tried holding me back for not coloring inside the lines. quite frankly, i just didn’t have the time to give. it was boring. some people could play music but there was no one around to teach me or even hear my interest. in the panhandle, you basically had two choices: play sports or be nobody. at the time, i don’t really think i grasped the idea, but my mother did so i played sports from the second i was old enough to.

i played soccer and hated it because it gave my bullies an excuse to kick me in the shins and push me down. my mother made me do it for four years anyway. i could ride a horse decently well, mostly everyone could, so i rodeoed. i really enjoyed it but could tell that i was not the type to be successful long term in that lifestyle. i don’t know how or why i was able to recognize that so early on. i was good at running because i could go on forever and recover in under a minute, until i started smoking cigarettes. by that time id already decided basketball was what i would commit to.

in the summertime, i didn’t have school to escape to and summer camps don’t really exist in keyes so we had to do it old school and just play outside. barbarian, i know. my grandpa, my step fathers father, was one of the most genuinely sweet men ive ever met. he taught me to drive and how to be kind. he also installed a basketball hoop in my driveway so i would have something to practice on.

i spent nearly 8 hours a day on that basket for several years, even moving it to boise city with us when we left. i shot on that basket until i graduated high school.

i still remember being 8 years old and coming in after a long, hot summer day. i was thrilled because i had made a shot from the furthest i’d ever been from the goal and had perfected some dribble move. my mother was depressed, and uninterested in my enthusiasm. attempting to give her some of my own joy, i told her treat when i made it to the wnba, we’d never have to worry about anything ever again. my mother laughed and said “yeah right.” the concept of failure hadn’t really entered my realm yet, especially with all of the high standards i made sure to meet. puzzled, i asked for clarification, “well do you think ill at least be able to play in college?” her demeanor changed as she realized i was being serious. my mother has always insisted on telling the truth, even though she often chooses which truth to believe. a look of calm washed over her and she looked me deep in the eye when she said “no, i don’t think you will.”

for the next ten years i dedicated myself to the game of basketball and it loved me back. i made friends, learned valuable lessons about hard work and success and working together with other people. my dry mannered basketball coach paid me a compliment in my senior year that i will never forget, and embarrassingly sometimes shout out at parties when im winning a game of beer pong. “bratcher didn’t call me the best three point shooter in this half of the state for nothing!” i know, it doesn’t seem like much, but you have to understand the type of encouraging i was accustomed to receiving— none. it would be several years before i realized how much she had impacted me as a human being.

anyway, i got the scholarship. one day after my 18th birthday, and the most traumatic event of my adolescence, i signed to play basketball at southwestern college. this was my chance to show everyone exactly what they’d been missing, including my mother.

i was suspended twice and overdosed after being on the team for a year and two months. i played maybe 5 junior varsity games, for two minutes at the end of each half. i was more worried about losing someone who could’ve cared less than even thinking about what i had really cost myself. i’m often worried my life will play out in the same way, and wonder what i would be like if things had been different when i was 8 years old.

[justcallmedust]

Came home from work last night in a good mood. Husband was actually cooking something. I was upset at having to clean up so much before I could actually eat and he got angry with me about it. And as usual it ended with him telling me to leave and expressing hatred toward me.

He claims I came in the house and was screaming at everyone and being a bitch to him. But I came in to a disaster, him drunk and blasting music and I wasn’t screaming. I hugged and kissed him and gave the kids crap I brought home for them. I went to make myself a plate of food and every bit of counter space was taken up by dirty things.. I had to set my food aside and clean quite a bit before I could eat. He got angry with me for being upset about cleaning.. because he ‘tried to get the kids to clean up’. I don’t really know what that means. I finally ate my food.. head pounding from the music.. I put my earbuds in with a podcast to try and drown out the noise and continued to clean. My knee was screaming so I sat on the couch and crocheted for a few minutes, just to rest my knee. Then I got up and was continuing to clean and I could hear not only his music blasting over my podcast, but him running his mouth too and I decided to take out my earbuds because it was just too much noise and as I did I hear him say ‘what the fuck is your problem?’ To which I responded, that I worked all day and had to come home and continue working. I said the music was loud and I had a headache and there was still a decent amount of cleaning to do. He said something like ‘you don’t have to be here’ and ‘you know where the door is’. And I said fine you don’t want me here I won’t bother cleaning and Ill try to find somewhere to go. And I stopped what I was doing and just sat on the couch. He just kept yelling at me, the usual stuff.. oh I wasn’t working and didn’t clean well enough and of course I constantly left dishes in the sink for weeks at a time and I said I didn’t feel well which can’t ever be valid because I say it too much and on and on about how much I suck.

And I know he will just run to someone else because that seems like it has always been his default. Ive never been enough. I don’t know how to heal from this and I can’t take another week of him ignoring me because I was upset for a valid reason.

As he left this morning I was told to never speak to him again because I asked if he meant the awful things he said. I guess I shouldn’t have tried to talk to him.. it just seemed so stupid and I just wanted to be hugging him.

I still have no options to leave. No life to live here. I feel like I got taken up in a tornado and put down in the wrong place.

I don’t understand how someone can so easily discard a person that has given up their life for them. I don’t have any more to give. I want to make him happy but he hates me so much that I never will. I keep trying to talk and have a serious conversation with him, but we are never alone and it never feels like the right time.. I just know he will get angry if I bring up anything serious.

I don’t even know how to act anymore. I’m not allowed to be angry or upset or not feel well.. none of it is ever valid.

I don’t know where I belong.

I wanted to belong to him. I just want to feel loved. I don’t want to be tough or strong, the hurt won’t go away. I want to be held and told I will just be loved and that it’s ok if I make mistakes and it’s ok if I’m upset or sick, that my feelings are valid and I don’t have to get yelled at for having them. I want to be able to express myself without fear of being discarded or replaced over anything. I want a home and a place to feel comfort.

I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night on the couch wondering how long it will be before I’m loved again.

It’s so hard to want to keep living. It would be so easy to just stop.

[echologname]

Hope for those who feel hopeless

https://www.youtube.com/live/BpkxShLl5vs?si=872e7GuPG9oCcetw&t=25m04s

This is similar to what I went through and I think Christians don't talk enough about this, when we lose faith when we're Jonah and we run away from God, The Prodigal Son who makes a lot of dumb choices out on His own, Gomer Hosea's unfaithful wife, the lost lamb, the people who crucified Jesus when we're God's people but for some reason, we end up doing everything we swore we would never, like when we're Peter denying having Known Jesus, when we give in to the darkness and let it consume our minds and hearts and go from living Godly lives to really sinful ones. Of course after something like that, after drowning in our self destruction, we feel like we're too evil to ever be a part of God's kingdom again, we feel like we're the villains in Bible stories because that's how we felt and acted. It's a steep hill to come to accept God's Grace. Jesus did that hard part, that one we can't do, which is save ourselves. He ALREADY paid for what we've done and will do. It's crazy, we feel we have NO faith anymore, how then can we believe and be saved by faith again? Somehow, it was so easy as kids who barely knew anything. Now we know too much, too much depression and anxiety. So much time has passed, we've forgotten who we are and who God is, how in the world can we get back to where we were so long ago? It's not "how in the WORLD" it's "how in GOD," which I believe all things are possible through Him no matter how badly you messed up because John 1:5 tells us the light will ALWAYS be stronger than the dark and God is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9).

I think after going through something like this, it's easy to fear we had our chance and we squandered it, and there's no longer any hope for salvation. I don't believe that. No matter how much The Enemy tries to get me to think I'm a bad person who can't be redeemed. Because if it was, no Christian would ever be able to rejoice in The Gospel, it would be pointless. I believe if you were God's once, you'll ALWAYS be no matter how you think and feel because God is greater than your thoughts and feelings, He KNOWS your very soul, the parts if you that not even you can see and I believe no power of Earth or Hell can EVER steal you away from Him and His everlasting love, not even you in your imperfection, confusion, stubbornness, anger and sin that made you want to run from Him in the first place. I BELIEVE in the power of His love, I BELIEVE even if you turned away from God, He's true to His promises and will NEVER fail you. I've been reading through my Bible and God has seen Hell, nothing escapes His notice, there are people who've done a lot worse than you and He STILL wanted them, no matter who or how they were. He wants us in our imperfections, doubt, guilt and hatred. The doors are OPEN to you by the blood of Jesus! If He started to be too exclusive about who's fit for His kingdom, He'd be out of people because we're ALL sinners even Godly people like King David, Moses and Elijah.

If you've come BACK to God after a break from Him, be joyful! Now, I'm struggling with that after devoting myself to my Faith again because I DO have fear weighing on me. I was joyful at first but Satan doesn't want me to be and sometimes it can be hard. I've been having horrible intrusive thoughts and yes, the forces of darkness WILL attack you for wanting or trying to be closer to God but God is my shepherd, my guardian and my strength. If it's a battle, then, He'll provide a way to win and to win EVERY battle that'll come my way. It's easy to forget, Earth isn't home, it's the front lines of a war older than time between good and evil and we were born INTO it. The Enemy could have taken my life countless times since the day I was born but I'm STILL standing because of Jesus. I have scars from IVs, getting hit by a car, and body parts that are damaged from stress and chronic illnesses but I'M STILL STANDING because GOD HAS ALWAYS BEEN WITH ME even when I thought I wasn't and didn't want to be. God has always been stronger than the darkness that keeps me prisoner to pain and sorrow. I promise you, He's bigger than ALL of humanity's mistakes combined, so, He can more than forgive your missteps and shortcomings even when they seem so bad in your head.

I trust my Lord. That's all, repent and trust that even if you still feel down, you're forgiven.

May God be with you in all things! 🙂

“The will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us.”

Billy Graham

[nvrtrust-naims]

i hate effort

i want to sleep

i hate effort but i hate failure more

i always push

i hate everything i can never relax

im scared to fail im scared to prove people right

i do good but never good enough

whats wrong w me i feel like theres something wrong w me i feel like everyone knows but me i feel like i was born wrong what did i do so wrong why am i disgusting sometimes i want to kill myself so badly all i can do is stare and lie down

i think i want to die again

im scared to fail at dying too i feel like i suck at everything why am i not good enough somethings wrong whats wrong i dont know and it scares me im always scared i never feel safe and when i do its fake i dont think i can keep going

i have vices but i think im ok dont i

i have to be ok or ill die

its strange that all this feeling is over something so small maybe i have a problem but im managing it well i havent attempted in months

all i can think about are my failures my inability my timing my unluckiness whats wrong with me

sometimes idk idk idk idk idk

i want to hurt myself in an indirect way so that it doesnt feel or seem like sh but i rlly know it is

thats what im doing rn

all im doing is hurting myself

sometimes i dont know myself

am i rlly exhausted and tired and burntout or am i neglecting what i need to do just to hurt myself as a punishment

im a masochist n ive been thinking abt that lately too : i dont know exactly why i enjoy pain or why i have maso tendencies but i have an idea that idk mayb i rlly am a narcissist n i just like being taken down a peg or mayb i dont love myself and i enjoy pain bc i want punishment for ever being born and for still existing

kind of like punishing my body for still breathing and pumping blood

or mayb i like the feeling of control like when im hurt the wounds are all mine n nobody can take them

when i love something/someone i hide it bc anytime that i was happy or i had something i liked it would get destroyed or thrown out

if i didnt hide what i loved it would get crushed

i had my diary read n i got beat for having my first crush n i think thats why writing in diaries n journals is difficult for me

when i moved for mayb the 4th or 5th time my teacher in elementary gave me an end of yr gift : it was lipgloss . when i put it on in the car my father grabbed it and threw it out the window

when i had hobbies they were taken away from me

i wasnt allowed outside as a kid or to have friends

sometimes ppl wonder why im "secretive" or "sneaky" but i feel like im just doing what i was taught

i was taught to hide myself bc im disgusting

ive never once wanted to live in my entire life ever since i could think ive never wanted to

i couldnt exactly point out that i wanted to die but it wouldnt take long it just felt like the right conclusion

n i still feel like all of this is over something so small

like im dumb for feeling i feel dumb i feel so stupid

im so unreliable whats wrong w me

i feel so alone but theres ppl i love n it feels like i disrespect them everytime i feel alone but what am i supposed to do idk what to do

i have to hide my emotions idk emotions are weakness is what i feel like ik its not true but its already instilled

nobody listened when i cried as a kid nobody cared i didnt even know my own name until i was 9 bc nobody said it enough

i feel like ill never be able to resolve my deeper issues bc i cant talk abt how i feel or what i want

i just go mute or i cry i just cant ive tried

it doesnt work bc im not meant to be happy

ill look back at this later n think im emo for thinking so hard over something so small

[melaroon]

july 4th, 1:41pm (tw)

just woke up a little bit ago, last night was really bad for me. i restricted and did good on everything i ate up until after eating it all, i ate the rest of our snickers ice cream. haha. well, maybe like 2/3 of it because for the first time... i felt full enough not to finish something? especially ICE CREAM? when i binge, i never get a full feeling and even if i do im able to push past it (which ends just as bad but still)

very strange feeling but im glad maybe its my self control peeking through?

i tried to purge at least the ice cream, but for some reason it felt so incredibly hard to- like trying to throw up bread. i even tasted the peanut in it, so it had to have been the ice cream. i felt really gross going to bed with a full stomach like that and disappointed i couldn't get it out of me. my throat hurts anyways and i think i scratched myself really bad because i have a weird cough but whatever

i sat in the bathroom for a really long time, looking at what i have become. my collar bones looked nice, my arms looked thinned out (not quite there yet though, just compared to before), but god my face. i looked miserable and ugly and disgusting. i cried for two hours in the bathroom and ended up relapsing. its been a few months since ive been clean and just the other day my boyfriend even said hes glad i havent done it in so long and that he doesnt like/want to see me hurting myself. i always say sorry when this happens, but im really not. im not really doing it on purpose or spite either, i think at this point self harm is just always going to sneak its way into happening. i cried about me and my moms relationship, or the lack of it. it really hurts, i think the number one mental pain (?) of my life is the fact that i feel nothing towards my parents and they have never been there for me emotionally. it was one thing to not have a dad, but for my mom to be here but not? i just couldnt hold it in anymore.

i really, truly want to be sick. i want to get more and more ill and frail and sick. all my life she has made me feel like my problems aren't mine, aren't real, or impossible to have something wrong with me. maybe when she sees me, weak and thin and even more miserable, then she'll realize what she's done to me.