#and Ive tried so hard to be good enough but ill never be able to love you the way you want

[beelzebubsbois]

I need someone. ANYONE. other than my boyfriend to understand that I physically and mentally cannot love and care more than I already do.

I can't just force myself to care. I can pretend, but only for so long before it bores me and I don't get anything back from it so it becomes not worth it.

I CANT give more attention than what I give because it's exhausting.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

i havent seen the inside of your ask box for ages so let me just say i finished money magic and WOAH. leave some talent for the rest of us damn. also. im going to add ‘financial domination’ to my mental list of kinks and im doing it with a sly smirk on my face because id never heard of it before this fic and i certainly will be looking for more in the future.

i genuinely think im into it only because you write it so. fucking. well. i love this community youve built where so many people can discover new kinks through your writing and it makes me so happy being able to find out new things about myself from a piece of art like this. i just love fandom sometimes.

plus i think of your blog as a haven bc i can come here anytime i want and its like someone took all the things i love about fandom and put it through your brain then onto here. a true blessing.

ok onto the fic itself, i have a few things to say:

1) i will never get over the way you build up to the climax of the fic. like, from the beginning, its always so obvious that something big is going to happen and i just can never wait until the next update to find out. i dont think ive ever skim read one of your paragraphs because every word pulls me in a makes me want moreee.

2) the way you use imagery in your work is actually something i think should be studied because you do it SO WELL. an example from chapter one that i cant stop thinking about;

His mind whirls. He’s back to spinning out of control. It feels as though his head might come off his shoulders, twisted and twisted and twisted around, thinning his neck, and becoming too unsteady.

like hello???? i can picture every tiny little detail of this moment and its insane how you can just do that.

3) the chemistry between your characters never feels forced or awkward. ive noticed that you dont use dialogue too much when writing smut and i love that because it lets the reader really visualise whats going on. but when you do its absolutely perfect. the way you kept the power dynamics going steadily throughout and even when they were talking on the balcony, it just made me realise how much you really care about what you write and it made reading so much more enjoyable.

theres literally like a million other things i could say but im not gna ramble here. instead, take some snippets that i especially enjoyed that i will think about for a long, long time:

A shiver wracks Steve’s body, accompanied by a rough exhale that fills his bedroom—a confession of how much he’s enjoying this by its very nature.

-

Steve shivers so hard it might as well be a convulsion. Good. The way his words leave no room for argument, for thought, for anything but all this electric embarrassment to fill his veins and circulate throughout his body, polluting him tip to tail. Jesus. He commands all of Steve without being there. It’s heady. He can feel himself being pulled in like a sailor, lonely after months at sea, to a siren.

-

A moan comes tumbling out of his mouth, humiliated to the point that he feels dizzy. He couldn’t stand and walk straight if he tried, he’d stumble and fall onto his knees. He wants to stumble and fall and have Bucky push his heavy hands into his hair, he wants to feel the cold metal of his rings and the blunt sharpness of his fingernails against his scalp as he grabs and pulls and twists, making sure Steve feels his place.

-

Steve imagines this is what being a pinata feels like, struck hard enough that it's twirling around its point of suspension, unable to know what’s up or down, left or right, just focused on each hit and when the next one is going to come, then, ah!, all of the sudden spilling its bounty.

-

i could put the whole fic here but you know. that’d be too long. ill just have to hope what ive said here is enough.

bottom line is that im OBSESSED and i will be taking the pleasure of rereading this fic as soon as i can. thank you so much for sharing!!! lots of love 💗

"Money Magic"

YOU ARE SO SWEET, ARCHIE!

Thank you, lovely <3

I'm so glad to hear that you finished that fic, and, more importantly, that you enjoyed the read so much! You're too kind. Haha, I'm hitting you again with the kink discovery. I think if I can't find a job (a scarily real threat, lmao), I can make a job of that alone 💀💀 I, too, though, am going to be looking for more of it! I haven't found anything else with fin domming in stucky fics, but I would love to!

I'm honored that it's even a possibility that you'd just be into it because of the way I write it <3 Me too!! I love the absolute filth I can write and people not batting an eye, aside from horny reactions that I enjoy very much. Thank you. Plus, even better, so many people have come into my inbox to say depraved, kinky shit. Like. YES. Discover more kinks from me, tell me more about your kinks, and let's explore it all. Not you calling my porn writing art

(Like, absolutely, porn is art. Art inspires emotion, and horny is a valid emotion. I wholeheartedly believe that and would very readily call lots of other writers erotica art, but hearing that about my own? Wtf. Shits wild)

And calling my blog a haven?! Staaawp. You're too cute and nice, I can't take it

1) Ah! I'm so glad to hear that 'cause I plan out my fics EXTENSIVELY, lmao, and I try very hard to up myself consistently within my longer, chaptered fics.

2) You are so fucking sweet I am gonna scream. Oh my god!! I love how you pulled quotes from my text! What the hell??? That's so nice!

3) Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I feel like I use a lot of dialog 💀💀 That's probably because I think so hard about my dialog, though, lol. I do care, definitely. I care too much sometimes 😅 but, yeah, I try to always think, okay, but would the character actually ever say or behave like that? Both this AU character, but also the canon character because the AU is, of course, a canon extension/expansion.

Aww, I don't have words (which is saying something for me, haha)! Again, though, I love, love, love that you included snippets that stuck out to you!

YOU'RE SO SWEET!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND THANK YOU FOR SUCH WONDERFUL COMMENTS ALONG THE WAY!

[exoulisis]

Murderer James W. Rodgers was put in front of a firing squad in Utah and asked if he had a last request. He replied, “Bring me a bullet-proof vest.”

somethings happened to me

ive been feeling disgusted by writing. ive started hating it. this worries me

i dont think ive ever made it this far on a singular project. its like my brain is repelling me away because its a new record for me.

i have to push. and thats hard because it’s writing

its hard because im against my own brain but my brain is responsible for producing the ideas for my writing.

it’s like begging your worst enemy for some money.

if you’re here then you are a witness of the first ever time i tried when it got hard. when i really didnt want to do it. when i started hating it.

i dont even care if im losing passion for writing or if im burnt out or “writers block”. i dont care about any of it. i MUST go on.

ive gotten so far. i cant quit this now. i cant slow down now.

its so easy too. i just write about random things that come to my mind. i just write about my feelings, i just vent to nobody.

if i can’t even do that then what can i do?

this medium account is teaching me what discipline feels like. its teaching me what LIFE feels like.

are you really here?

i haven’t seen you in a while, reading this.

im losing God again. i dont even know how or why at this point. He just fades from me. i need to recommit myself to prayer and scripture i guess.

it saddens me so much.

because i know ill never be good enough for Him

i know ill never be able to stick with Him forever because ill always lose Him

it breaks me

it breaks my heart

it makes me hate myself because im not allowing myself to live

im not allowing myself to have the only thing in the entire universe thats real and not out to get me

im sorry

but how could God make it so hard for me?

He knows how weak i am

wait i cant do this now. i cant ask questions about God here because i have to ask Him directly. i cant pray in here because He said not to. i need to pray in private, in secret, alone.

but i am really just so so so so sorry to Him

because i know Hes there but im drowning down here

im drowning on this earth

in all the things of this earth

the work the stress the sadness the emotions

wont He pull me out of the bridge ive jumped off?

please

but i have to swim to His lifeboat first

and i dont know if i can because im just so weak

sad violin noises

i need Him

i need Him

i need Him

but im just

so

weak.

i think i love Him. i really think i do

do i secretly like drowning?

because i just want someone to love me. i want people to have a reason to care about me. to nurture me, to give me things.

i just want a hug

i want to be destroyed so that people finally start listening to me. instead of just waiting for their turn to get what they want

i want to breath my last breath in this water. just so my feelings are finally validated. by the ones standing at my grave and the ones looking at the news report saying “I wish I could’ve helped him”, the ones with tears saying “Why did I fail to understand him?”

i just want to be given a chance to be understood

nobody understands you until you show them why they should’ve understood you

imagine sad piano playing as someone gains awareness of all your problems and emotions and trauma. without you needing to convince them or show them evidence and text messages and security camera footage and call people

what would they do?

i dont know if they would hug me

or hit me

hit me and say “Everyone has these types of issues you disgusting egomaniac”

so then it wouldnt be sad piano. it would be the hero finally triumphing the villain

am i the villain here?

but all i want to be is broken

shattered into a million pieces and everyone rushes over to piece me back together

but im actually alone and i dont even have the strength to pray to God because i barely even believe in Him anymore

how can i believe in Him if i dont even believe myself

how can i trust Him if i cant trust the vessel

this is my temporary euphoria for the day

“just do your best because thats all anyone can do”

so whats the point

whats the point

id do my best and get successful and then what

im just here but its dimmed

i want it erased i want it gone

i dont want makeup i want accutane

stop telling me to do what worked for you because you didnt even realise what you were doing

and for that im so, so jealous

because you’re free because you cant see the prison bars, you can just mingle in the cell believing you’re free to leave whenever

but its too late for me to live in that paradise because i know too much honey

imprisoned in my own thoughts

i love you though

im lost and you’re trying to pull me back on the right path but your right path ends in a cliff but the cliff is invisible to the naked eye

the flowers bloom in beauty and they die

can i take anything with me to death?

i don’t want to obtain the next step in your instructions

i dont want to buy things for one dollar and sell them for two

its all bland and flavourless

its all fleeting

only one thing is forever and that thing is the possible existence of a God

i don’t care if im living in obscurity so stop saying that

i dont care if you’re even Napoleon

i don’t even wanna be a writer or poet because once i choose it its over before it started. we can’t choose what we want to do we can only do what we want to do. choosing ruins the electricity and choosing ruins the reasons we choose

but i dont want to bold my own text i want someone to do it for me

i dont want to work i want to write

i dont want to write i want to be free

i dont want to be free i just want to know what i want

i dont want you anymore because i dont want to lose you

im fine staying at the shore

but is the shore sadder than the swim back?

you can iron your clothes but you can never iron ceaselessness

that crinkle stays and will always be apparent

you can hide it with accessories but you will still brush against it time to time

and you’ll be despaired once again

or is it just me who has no accessories to use?

and i thank God every day that He wont give me any because its the only thing keeping me afloat

is being stuck under the water

i like this

the “Save and Publish” button is the only thing ive found that validates my despair

or can you help me?

God I thank you

for this despair because its what makes me feel alive

can you feel that?

even without a musician caressing instruments you can still feel joy, you dont need them

but i do

because when i have that in my ear i dont have any space for me to hate myself because i don’t have space to think

i dont have space to binge or make more and more mistakes and hate myself even more

its just silent. its just stoic

i don’t know how to love myself

i don’t know how i could love someone who drowns in their own misery, seeking attention and validation while rejecting real change.

i mooch off others, indulge in instant gratification, and push away those who try to help, all while resenting myself and my situation.

i obsess over my own misery because i have nothing greater to focus on.

im stuck in nihilistic paralysis.

wait a second

wait a second…

i feel like i have deep wisdom, but ive been tricking myself all this time

there’s no point on working hard because it’ll fade and only bring us temporary satisfaction

but stagnation is worse than struggle

okay but we’re gonna die anyway so why even build things if i can stay at the baseline

but the fact that life is temporary makes it valuable, not pointless. we should make the most of it right?

but but but-

NO

we dont need a reason to do things

we just need to do the things that give meaning

it’s discovered through action

but thats not enough to break my cell bars.

but what are you afraid of?

you dont have to have it all figured out

why do you seek validation?

because i just want someone to understand me

so..

why can’t that someone be yourself?

[alienaiver]

Who do you ship me with? (Don't automatically pick my favorites, please 😋) You can choose fandoms I don't know yet too.

ill go for some different fandoms !!!!

in bnha im going with......

sato rikido! i think your lovely nature would compliment his as well; and i bet he would do his absolute best to find alternative ways to bake something without sugar or any other ingredients so that you'd be able to ingest snd enjoy his baking!! he would loooove to try and bake tons of things. some of them would end up disappointing for you both, but he loves how you always find anything, even the tiniest thing to compliment; like the crust, or the consistency of the batter!!! he'd love date nights with cuddles and movies about the big questions of life with happy endings but that makes both of you sniffle a little during the sad parts. he'd be very flustered when you met his parents, and even tho its HIS own parents, you'd end up speaking for both of you during the dinner because hes just such a smiley, nervous wreck who nods and stutters !!!

for haikyuu.... that was a tough one solely because of all the lovely options! 👀 but i have to go with fukunaga shouhei !!! 🥺 he'd end up wooeing you with his dry but perfectly delivered jokes and nicely personal pick-up lines. he'd spend a long time making them personalized to impress you! in the beginning theyre a bit hit or miss, sometimes even accidentally insulting. but he ALWAYS makes up for it with a little silly choreographed dance and your favorite drink from the convenience store !!! its very precious and silly, and he completely fell for you when you delivered a witty pun to one of his jokes during a training camp. he was heart eyes for a while in secret (everyone on the team knew) before he decided to give it his shot!!!

im also assigning you a d. gray man husband !!!

this wasnt too hard actually, bcos i think youd make a really adorable pair! im pulling bak chang along, and he'd be a stumbling, stuttering mess introducing himself to you. he doesnt completely trust me that ive told only good things about him to you, because hes a silly goose with various (lazy) morales even tho he has such a high position. tho fret not, when needed he is a good branch chief!!

his dates are a little bit chaotic as he tries to woo you because of the nature of his job, but he never skips on any of the romantic tidbits! theyre just sometimes cut short. after he's successfully (at least he hopes theyve been grand enough to impress you) he spends a lot of time finding you secret hiding spots where he can just. be himself, comfortable and relaxed around you, talking about anything and nothing in particular. hes never had a normal childhood or youth or big experiences outside of the branch, so he enjoys listening to your story from the outside world and what mischief you mightve done as a kid. its a lovely change of pace for the both of you, and you love seeing this relaxed side of him, that he only shows you!!! hes not big on taking care of himself, but he will always make sure youre well fed, well rested and comfortable 🧡 (he even skips work if youre sick to take care of u!!! but he kidnaps you LMAO from the sick ward because otherwise won would find him there and drag him back to work 🤡)

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi Kait.

It’s been a little while. I hope you’re doing well. <3

I’m always rooting for your success and happiness lol.

I feel bad and sheepish because I never wanna be that person who only ever pops by to like,,, dump a vent when I’m struggling.

I wish I had more fun or creative stuff I could share with you more often.

I think about trying to make you a gift of some sort a lot but I always chicken out. 😔

But tbh I think the reason I feel inclined to come here when I’m feeling bad is because when I am struggling,, that’s when I turn to thoughts of Saeyoung as a source of comfort. And your blog is the best outlet I’ve found to be able to express those feelings haha.

At any rate…

I wonder if you can relate to this experience…?

When I was really sick, my mental health issues actually kinda felt better…?

It’s not like they actually went away or anything.

It’s just that,,, I literally didn’t have the mental capacity to fixate on those things like I normally would. I was deadass too exhausted to indulge my anxious or depressed thoughts and let myself spiral lmao

But now that I’m slowly staring to feel better physically, those old patterns and thoughts and feelings have been creeping back in little by little too :))

(Super unfair if you ask me 🙄 bc I *am* still sick and in pain. Just slightly less so. And now I gotta deal with the mental illness on top of it all? Now my bones hurt AND my tummy hurts AND my silly little pathetic heart hurts. Homophobia at its finest, truly.)

And like… I’m trying really hard to claw my way out of this cute little pit of self-loathing I’ve found myself in.

Especially since I know now, better than ever, that it’s completely pointless…

The world’s gonna keep turning whether I hate myself or not. It’s just a matter of whether or not I’m choosing to make myself miserable in the process.

But,,, you know. It’s never that simple.

And. It’s kinda the “trying hard” that’s been making it hurt tbh.

I can’t stop thinking about the ~injustice~ of how hard Ive tried my whole life to build a future for myself where I could finally feel ~stable and happy and loved~ like I’ve been craving my whole life or whatever. But the universe just keeps saying Sike! Over and over :’)

I had to work so hard just to fuckin survive and keep myself alive my whole childhood.

I never thought I’d be able to go to college,, I didn’t even think it was on the table for me.

But I got lucky and got support and encouragement from my friends,, and somehow I managed to make it. And it meant so much to me. I felt so overjoyed and lucky to be able to be in a place where I didn’t have to worry about my safety all the time, or where I was going to sleep or get my next meal. And better yet,, somewhere where I could pursue my dreams and passions and get a little closer every day to a future I never thought I’d have. :’D

Buuuut then Covid hit, my mental health tanked, and I stopped being able to afford my tuition. And even though I was doing everything I could and DESPERATELY trying to figure things out,, it wasn’t enough. Bc nobody at the school would fuckin help me. And it was so frustrating and upsetting to know that, no matter how good of a student I was (I was a 4.0 student in STEM smh)

And no matter how genuine and passionate I was,,,

It didn’t make a difference. Because all they cared about was my money.

Like. Not to be dramatic. But that shit legit shattered my heart and crushed my soul. :’)

Even so! I told myself,,, hey. It’s okay. You can turn this around. You just have to work harder! Push yourself even further! You’re good at that. You’ve done it before. You just need to get a job and save up so you can go back.

So I got my silly lil minimum wage pet store job.

And goddammit, I was great at that too.

I was the best damn employee at my store, if not the whole company 🙄 bc I’m SMART AND PASSIONATE ABOUT LEARNING AND HELPING ANIMALS AND CREATING BETTER LIVES FOR THEM. UGH. 😤

Worked my tits off for a year and a half. Saved up as much as I could. Got over halfway to my goal that would allow me to finally move away from my home state that I’ve always hated. Go back to school. And really and truly get a shiny new ~fresh start~

But then the universe was like, HA bitch you thought!

You actually worked *too* hard this time and now your body is broken.

So… all that money you just saved up…?

POOF! That’s all going to your medical bills now.

Or at least. A tiny fraction of your medical bills :)

And now you can’t keep working to pay those bills off, or save up more money to go back to school. Because you’re too sick!

So like… good luck I guess??

And now I’m here having to deal with the fact that my friends who started school at the same time as me are graduating this semester.

And I’m just. Spending all my days alone in my room helpless and lonely and rotting :)))

It just really stinks that even though I’ve been trying so hard my whole life and putting SO MUCH of myself into literally everything I do,,, it’s never seemed to pay off.

In fact it feels like if anything, all it’s done is come back to bite me in the ass and make the failure hurt worse in the end.

🙄🙄 big “please please please let me get what I want by the smiths” moment

But anyways *ahem*

Like I said,,,,,

Whenever I get to feeling like this. I definitely always end up thinking about and coming back to Saeyoung.

Because… different life situations, obviously.

I’m glad at least I haven’t had to check “lost twin” or “being a secret agent” off my trauma bingo card yet.

But then again. I never thought I’d check off medical trauma either and look how that turned out, so who knows what the future has in store for me? 💀

At any rate,,, I know he’d be able to empathize, and understand those feelings.

More so than anyone I’ve ever met in real life, probably.

That’s definitely a huge part of why he came to mean so much to me in the first place. And why he’s the character I come back to time and time again when things start feeling really unfair.

And,, knowing just how and why he’d be able to understand and relate to those feelings is a big part of why I love him so much…

I just get so overwhelmed any time I get caught up thinking about that man’s endless capacity for goodness and love. Even through all the shit he’s been through. And how,, no matter how hurt he was, how hopeless he felt, or how much he *wanted* to give up. He never ever could. Because that’s just who he is,, if there’s even the slimmest margin of a chance that he could do something to make the world better for his loved ones, he’d drag himself there to the point of physically falling apart and not even think twice about it.

And like,,, yeah,,, it’s an issue in its own right and breaks my heart to think of how far he’d go for others while having so little regard for himself.

But also,,,,, it’s so admirable 😭 I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Saeyoung Choi is made of love.

And like,,, more than just Ye Olde “self-destruction in the name of helping his loved ones” thing,, I also get so worked up just thinkin about him being his silly dorky self,,

And again just… through everything,, even when he tried to convince himself that it was a front and he wasn’t actually like that,,, he never stopped being bright and curious and passionate,,, because that IS who he is,,, he’s a NERD and he genuinely loves learning and trying new things and having fun,,, and spreading that joy to the people around him. 🥹❤️

It just makes me wanna fuckin SMOTHER him with all of the affection and appreciation I could ever possibly muster up. And tell him over and over and over again how incredible and kind and brave and strong and special he is, and how much I love and adore him, and how lucky and proud I feel to even exist in the same universe as someone so earnestly and relentlessly Good. 🥺🥺

I would simply like to love him to death dhdjdjd

And like. I guess it’s cathartic to me to imagine being able to do that and say those things to him.

And to really just,,, bask in those overwhelming feelings of affection.

Bc I guess that’s how I wish someone would see and feel about me 😅 and that I could have someone in my life who would see how hard I try,, and be proud of me, and make me feel like I have value outside of my achievements in life (or,,, lack thereof). And like,,,, love me for all the times I kept going even when it hurt. That would be cool,,,,

Me out here since 2016 trying to fix myself by fixing Saeyoung 💀💀

Literally even now I feel better than I did when I started typing this message having thought about him and how much I love him fjfjfjf

Kuz,,, there’s the catharsis in thinking about being able to say those things that i wish I could hear myself to someone else.

But then there’s the added layer of self-indulgent catharsis of being able to be like,,,

I mean, hey, Saeyoung probably *would* see you in a similar light,,, if anyone would be able to understand and appreciate those things in me, it would be him. :’D

We are,,, the pointing Spider-Man meme,,, but make it gay dhdhdj

And that shit is,,, overwhelming to think about.

Ahh the euphoria of loving Saeyoung Choi shdhjd

And,, imagining a world where he loves me back just as much,,,

That’s nice,,, :’D

Anyways. I don’t know where I intended on going with this. I feel like I’m just awkwardly talking in circles and not making sense.

And I didn’t mean to get as vent-y as I did there.

I guess I just was all tangled up in my thoughts about all this shit and wanted to try and articulate that side of why Saeyoung means so much to me.

And to have an excuse to gush about my precious little meow meow. 🤡

As usual,,, if you’ve actually taken the time to read through this mess. Thank you haha.

Wishing you the best, always. ❤️❤️❤️

Don't worry, I get where you're coming from.

I had the same experience, similar, anyway. I thought college was the way out and went like I was "supposed" to. I suffered for a long time as a child in an abusive, impoverished environment, and there was no way out but a single door that everyone sold me. Well, as soon as the door closed on high school, my body started to give up. I dealt with a single diagnosis at first, and then, by the next time Spring Break was around, I had two more issues that would nearly cause me to lose my life.

Being on death's door after you've fought so hard to escape is a sick joke, and it's hard to put that grief into words. I'm sure you know what I mean, though. You think you're getting out and then it feels like God is laughing in your face. As if to say, "You thought you were allowed to be happy and free? Ha! Sike!" Hitting rock bottom with those types of emotions is not fun in the slightest. I still feel grief in that way when a bad day comes along. Even if you're working through your feelings, a bad flare will make you struggle.

Being Disabled and Chronically Ill means you're in a perpetual loop of "I'm okay with this" > "I hate this" > "This is okay sometimes" > "Why is it that I'm being punished" > "I can't take it anymore" > "This is... okay. I am okay".

You cycle through acceptance, anger, grief, begging, and everything that comes with loss. We don't have to be okay with our struggles, you know? It's not something people can understand unless it's their experience. Sure, if someone close to you is that sick, you might be able to understand, but not all of it. It's something that can't be put into words. Sometimes, the hardest part is trying to get someone to understand that you won't get better. You will only get worse. It's not like a broken arm.

I want you to know that I've been there. Stuck in a bedroom for years and it hurt. I lost out on experiences because I didn't have support in the way I needed. I had to become my own doctor and advocate the second I realized the healthcare system latched onto my anxiety to blame for all my problems. I haven't had health care in years because America is a piece of shit, but I don't think anyone should be forced to become more intelligent than their doctor to save their life. Then, you have to act like you know nothing because if you know too much, they think you doom scroll health conditions online.

But, that's another thing. You get used to it. You shrug. Your pain is a 7 to an average person but to you, it's a 2. You get used to it. You just learn how to adapt. You forget what not being in pain feels like. I can't remember what it felt like to not have something hurt!

Mental health and physical health are other things. When you've got to deal with both of them, it's weird. You might have a bad day with a flare but your mental health is just fine, vice versa, or the opposite of that. If you're in too much physical pain to think, you're not going to think about your depression. You just sleep. God, one thing that did happen to me was that my compulsive hand-washing started to be something I did less because I physically couldn't get out of bed at one point and I just said, "Fuck it. I can't do it. It's fine."

Still have that issue but it's not what it was. It's hard to explain how these issues clash with each other.

Haha. Anyway, I get it. I know what you mean about Saeyoung 'cause I feel the same way about Saeran. I met the RFA in 2016. I was on the door of death, not knowing what was coming next, and they saved a life that day. I don't know where I'd be without this game. Everyone in the group helped me see a chance to live.

Saeyoung was one of the first, too. I love him like a brother because I saw my sacrifices in him. I'm like him in that sense. I would throw my life on the line to see someone else happy. That's not always a good trait because you need to protect yourself, too.

You can't always give to others. Sometimes, you need to be selfish. But, having him by your side to empathize with is cathartic, you're right. He gets it. He knows what you mean and he doesn't judge.

You love him because you see yourself in him. You know he's capable of love, just like you are, and you know that he's safe. He'd know that you're safe, too. He knows you better than you know yourself, and I'd dare say it's the same way the other way around. That's why it's easy to love him. You know he'll never let go of you. You know he'll always fight for you. You want to be fought for, you want to be loved, and you want a chance to be validated the way you validate Saeyoung.

I'd say there's nothing wrong with that.

I look to Saeran because he'd get me. He's been just as sick as I've been and I wouldn't have to tell him what's wrong in detail. I could just look at him with pain in my soul, and he'd know. He'd get it and I wouldn't have to explain it. He'd just hold me... like I'd just hold him at his lowest moment. I feel like loving him makes me a better person. It reminds me that I have to try to treat myself the way I'd treat him... and the way he'd treat me. He'd want me to see something good even at the worst, and that helps me more than a lot of things.

So, I'd say, if you feel low... think about how Saeyoung would fight for you and help that inspire you to fight for yourself. Because he loves you and he always will, even if the galaxy keeps the two of you apart from one another. If you feel a flutter in your chest, it's him, calling out to your heart with a prayer you'll smile again.

And just remember, talking about your grief helps. Don't ball it up. If you have to write something down to let it out, do it. Never hesitate.

[l1nussf4ngs]

personal sp0

this is personal th1nsp0 for situations in my own life dont bother to read it

-at camp, during the party, ill be able to wear a sexy croptop and ill sit on a table with my arms propping me up and my concave stomach showing. people will talk to me, boys will aproach me

-if i ever need to change infront of my friends i will secretly get a little happy inside and for the first time i wont get nervous, quickly considering all the parts i need to hide, how im gonna hide them, how im gonna change fast enough, while facing the other way so my friends or whoever it is will see as little of my body as possible. ill just change, at a normal pace and then my friends will think im really chill for carelessly changing around them when in reality it was just an excuse to show off what i tried so hard building

-when my shirt rolls up during practice it wont be the end of the world

-ill be able to post mirror pics in nearly nothing and i wont mind posting let alone bikini pics being taken of me

-ill be able to just exist in a swimsuit at the beach like everyone else. ill be able to walk and sit and play sports in it without carefully taking my clothes off when i want to go swim and then quickly putting them back on when im out of the water and having everyone question whether im hot or not. it will be so much fun

-when changing during camp nella and jace will see how skinny my body is and jace will acknowledge it like he always did before i got f4t

-jaces cousin will never tell me anything like 'youre the same size as jace when he was a kid excet youre a bit f4tter' again

-at my summer house i will have my stomach out all the time. when going back, in the car, ill be wearing a white tanktop with black shorts and fishnet tights underneath and even tho im sitting down in the car i will look so good

-i wont be scared or at least a little less scared. if i learn were going to have to change in a changing room at any circumstance ever ill worry about my body hair and scars showing instead of my body hair, scars and f4t showing. if my makeup is smudged, hair a mess, outfit looks bad ill know that at least my body is pretty. there is nothing to be scared of accidentally revealing, nothing to hide. everything will be an excuse to show off my body

-guys will aproach me. girls will think im out of their league

-it wont be 'shes sk1nny but not that sk1nny' it wont be 'shes obviously not f4t but ive never seen her in tight clothes so shes obviously hiding something' it will be 'she is sk1nny'. fullstop.

-ILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN IN CROPTOPS. nah fuck that ill finally b able to actually wear croptops. to the mall maybe. yeah that sounds nice

-ILL WEAR THEM FUCKING CROPTOPS EVERYWHERE!!! UGHHHHHH

-ill look more masc and be more comfortable with my gender and mannerisms. also with the way i dance and the way i chose to sit. when lying down ill let my shirt roll up and it will look good.

-ill post a picture of my stomach and the beach with rocks or a drawing on it or something

-i wont worry about my portion not being big enough, i wont have to go back for seconds or have everyone wait while i finish my food, i wont have the biggest portion out of everyone and i wont be insecure that im going to get 'the look' when im done loading my plate with food and im walking back to the table, the plate heavy in my hands, as i know people are going to look at my plate and wonder or even worse, say out loud 'are you even gonna eat all of that?' (this mostly goes out for camp but also applies to any time im eating with other people)

-croptops.

-sitting down in croptops.

[dandelionbutch]

the water runs cold this time of year

river,

its me dandie, but i think the last time we talked you knew my old name. i stopped looking at your blog when i saw you talking about a girl. i remember spiraling when i saw you were heading to another state. i told myself i wanted to check on you and i did, it never actually helped. when we last talked i tried to explain what was going on with me. i didn't get to elaborate, you had already made up your mind about leaving.

i think you had made up your mind about that months before you had the balls to break up with me. i felt it, even from miles away, the pattern repeating, the grip loosening slightly, a flinch of detachment. maybe you saw when i noticed, and i couldn't get you to say anything. i know you were new to this, i pressed you pretty hard, i thought we talked about everything. i should've said you weren't ready. i should've cut it off before it got so bad. i could've saved myself so much pain and confusion.

but in all versions of this story you run, and im not the person who can run after you. it felt like you started off-roading the moment i got into my pace.

sure hindsight is 20/20 and i remember the spark in my head when i thought we were going too fast. there was so much going on in my head and my life and emotions and identity and things were just so overwhelming. and yet, i didn't howl with you, something in me held back. i thought landing in a mattress would be the right choice. it wasn't a fully aired mattress and i felt my body snap when i landed. i should've looked harder.

im not saying it wasn't fun, i truly do think you are a force to be reckoned with. i miss your ramblings about the environment and fishing and the things you liked. i cant think about fly fishing or sword-fern without your face blinking in my mind. i think about telling you things before remembering you dont talk to me. i miss how my dog loved you, i miss that trip we took to that beautiful house. i think about your family living closer to me than you, dreading a day i see them in the wild, how would i even begin to say anything?

now, there was a big part of me that i didn't understand until i met you. you had so much valor and pride. maybe im romanticizing the societal and interpersonal abuse that comes with being different in the gender spectrum. i came out as nonbinary a month after you left me on that park bench. i came out twice in the time i knew you. you had seen and known some of the worst feelings i could imagine and yet you were still out and trying, and ill never be able to thank you enough for showing me that.

you have this raw, blinding pain in that ballroom of yours. when i saw it, i was worried you'd stay waltzing in those marble floors forever. somehow i think you are. your fingers shake to light the match on your new life. your name, your opinions, your fear and your love, all chandeliers in that hall that you seal shut. i know that the longer its sealed the harder it will be to open. ive never had a ballroom, just a dance floor under the stars.

i know i wont be a flash in your mind, how could i be? we had so many deep and intense moments of healing and growing and learning. brains don't just forget about people like that. i just hope you know that severing the pathways like that can cause more harm than good. and i'm sorry i tried so hard to reach for you when i should've let go. you said 'i think wed be great friends' in the same conversation of 'i think we should maybe breakup' it was confusing so i took the better option: be friends. i had been grieving ahead of time, so by the time you finally broke it off i figured we could move on and be friends seamlessly. i wasn't thinking about how you felt, how could i? you wouldn't share how you felt. we both put on smiles and walked on. we were lying to ourselves. still you were definitely a shut door when mine wasn't using hinges

im so excited for my life and i hope you've found some hope in yours. i feel like i would still have a conversation about this if you were ever ready, but thats improbable. plus so much has happened since June. i've been lucky to be busy with my livelihood.

until i see you again, be well. i always end up okay

[racharii]

Prime numbers>:3

mattthhhh t😭t (i had to look up the prime numbers ;w;)

1. Are you a virgin?

no i dont use linux

2. Does anyone besides you know your bra/penis size?

multiple people do and now you do too internet, 34F and in spirit i have a horse cock

3. Do you know anyone who has any STDs?

none currently that im aware of

5. Do you swear under celibacy?

i will not use linux no

7. Have you ever gotten tricked into aphrodisiacs or alcohol for sex?

i was very close once but ya boi skirted the bar rapist by a nut hair

11. If you had to chose one, would you have outdoor sex or car sex?

outdoor sex 💯 car sex is the absolute worst idc what anyone says it gets stinky and gross and also now i have to steam clean my car so no

13. Have you ever helped someone “finish”?

near everytime i have a sexual encounter i try to make my partner bust so yes lol

17. What is your method of masturbation? (i.e. toys, clitoral, prostate)

clitoral and gspot simultaneously is the bessssstttt

19. Has anyone seen your private parts other than yourself or a family member?

i send my friends videos of me jackin it so yeah lmao

23. When was the last time you had sex?

2 days ago im suffering im dying i might as well download debian

29. breast havers: Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation?

no. its nice and adds to it but its not enough to get me off

31. Have you ever sent someone a picture or video of you in the nude? Did it include sexual actions?

as mentioned before i have sent dear friends videos of me shoving stuff up myself so yes lmao

37. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with?

yes 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

41. Favourite sexual position? If you are a virgin, which position interests you?

ill give my top 3 cause its hard to choose ><, missionary cause its intimate and nicey c: , doggy for penetration cause its depersonalizing in an oddly intimate way and makes me feel like an object (hot), and good ol 69 cause i like being eaten out and breath play and making my partner feel good 😏

43. Are you into any BDSM?

any and all ùwú

47. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about someone? Was it about anyone other than your lover?

how i know when someone has crossed the threshold from acquaintance to friend is when ive had The Sex Dream about them,,,

53. Most embarrassing sex/masturbation story?

i was having sex with my now spouse then boyfriend in my childhood bedroom and my grandpa opened the door while wiping down my .22 sports rifle

59. Have you ever fantasized over someone older than you? How much older? Younger? How much younger?

yes, my age range im comfortable interacting with and sleeping with is 90s babies, being 1995 myself its people who are ± 5 years

61. Have you ever had to break up with/divorce someone because you weren’t satisfied with their sex?

no ive never broken up with anyone 😔

67. Are you able to be secretive when you masturbate? (like able to be quiet so no one can hear?)

yes its a talent out of necessity,,, i was one of those "you have to sleep with your hands above the covers" kids lol

71. Strangest sexual position you’ve tried?

head hanging off the edge of the bed deepthroating and have them fuck me with a dildo, awkward position to get into but hot af

73. vagina havers: During sex, vaginal or anal?

¿¿por que no los dos??

79. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial?

i consider all my friends beneficial uwu , and yes currently i have like 3?

83. Birth control or condoms?

birthcontrol for me i fuckin hate condoms begone (also my birthcontrol is lowkey gender confirming hrt so hehehehe)

89. Have you ever had sex during “7 minutes in heaven”?

no,,,, ive never even done 7 minutes in heaven :c

97. Does your lover know if you have masturbated?

if my lover walks upstairs and im not jackin it they are concerned and ask me if im okay

[justcallmedust]

Came home from work last night in a good mood. Husband was actually cooking something. I was upset at having to clean up so much before I could actually eat and he got angry with me about it. And as usual it ended with him telling me to leave and expressing hatred toward me.

He claims I came in the house and was screaming at everyone and being a bitch to him. But I came in to a disaster, him drunk and blasting music and I wasn’t screaming. I hugged and kissed him and gave the kids crap I brought home for them. I went to make myself a plate of food and every bit of counter space was taken up by dirty things.. I had to set my food aside and clean quite a bit before I could eat. He got angry with me for being upset about cleaning.. because he ‘tried to get the kids to clean up’. I don’t really know what that means. I finally ate my food.. head pounding from the music.. I put my earbuds in with a podcast to try and drown out the noise and continued to clean. My knee was screaming so I sat on the couch and crocheted for a few minutes, just to rest my knee. Then I got up and was continuing to clean and I could hear not only his music blasting over my podcast, but him running his mouth too and I decided to take out my earbuds because it was just too much noise and as I did I hear him say ‘what the fuck is your problem?’ To which I responded, that I worked all day and had to come home and continue working. I said the music was loud and I had a headache and there was still a decent amount of cleaning to do. He said something like ‘you don’t have to be here’ and ‘you know where the door is’. And I said fine you don’t want me here I won’t bother cleaning and Ill try to find somewhere to go. And I stopped what I was doing and just sat on the couch. He just kept yelling at me, the usual stuff.. oh I wasn’t working and didn’t clean well enough and of course I constantly left dishes in the sink for weeks at a time and I said I didn’t feel well which can’t ever be valid because I say it too much and on and on about how much I suck.

And I know he will just run to someone else because that seems like it has always been his default. Ive never been enough. I don’t know how to heal from this and I can’t take another week of him ignoring me because I was upset for a valid reason.

As he left this morning I was told to never speak to him again because I asked if he meant the awful things he said. I guess I shouldn’t have tried to talk to him.. it just seemed so stupid and I just wanted to be hugging him.

I still have no options to leave. No life to live here. I feel like I got taken up in a tornado and put down in the wrong place.

I don’t understand how someone can so easily discard a person that has given up their life for them. I don’t have any more to give. I want to make him happy but he hates me so much that I never will. I keep trying to talk and have a serious conversation with him, but we are never alone and it never feels like the right time.. I just know he will get angry if I bring up anything serious.

I don’t even know how to act anymore. I’m not allowed to be angry or upset or not feel well.. none of it is ever valid.

I don’t know where I belong.

I wanted to belong to him. I just want to feel loved. I don’t want to be tough or strong, the hurt won’t go away. I want to be held and told I will just be loved and that it’s ok if I make mistakes and it’s ok if I’m upset or sick, that my feelings are valid and I don’t have to get yelled at for having them. I want to be able to express myself without fear of being discarded or replaced over anything. I want a home and a place to feel comfort.

I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night on the couch wondering how long it will be before I’m loved again.

It’s so hard to want to keep living. It would be so easy to just stop.

[echologname]

Hope for those who feel hopeless

https://www.youtube.com/live/BpkxShLl5vs?si=872e7GuPG9oCcetw&t=25m04s

This is similar to what I went through and I think Christians don't talk enough about this, when we lose faith when we're Jonah and we run away from God, The Prodigal Son who makes a lot of dumb choices out on His own, Gomer Hosea's unfaithful wife, the lost lamb, the people who crucified Jesus when we're God's people but for some reason, we end up doing everything we swore we would never, like when we're Peter denying having Known Jesus, when we give in to the darkness and let it consume our minds and hearts and go from living Godly lives to really sinful ones. Of course after something like that, after drowning in our self destruction, we feel like we're too evil to ever be a part of God's kingdom again, we feel like we're the villains in Bible stories because that's how we felt and acted. It's a steep hill to come to accept God's Grace. Jesus did that hard part, that one we can't do, which is save ourselves. He ALREADY paid for what we've done and will do. It's crazy, we feel we have NO faith anymore, how then can we believe and be saved by faith again? Somehow, it was so easy as kids who barely knew anything. Now we know too much, too much depression and anxiety. So much time has passed, we've forgotten who we are and who God is, how in the world can we get back to where we were so long ago? It's not "how in the WORLD" it's "how in GOD," which I believe all things are possible through Him no matter how badly you messed up because John 1:5 tells us the light will ALWAYS be stronger than the dark and God is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9).

I think after going through something like this, it's easy to fear we had our chance and we squandered it, and there's no longer any hope for salvation. I don't believe that. No matter how much The Enemy tries to get me to think I'm a bad person who can't be redeemed. Because if it was, no Christian would ever be able to rejoice in The Gospel, it would be pointless. I believe if you were God's once, you'll ALWAYS be no matter how you think and feel because God is greater than your thoughts and feelings, He KNOWS your very soul, the parts if you that not even you can see and I believe no power of Earth or Hell can EVER steal you away from Him and His everlasting love, not even you in your imperfection, confusion, stubbornness, anger and sin that made you want to run from Him in the first place. I BELIEVE in the power of His love, I BELIEVE even if you turned away from God, He's true to His promises and will NEVER fail you. I've been reading through my Bible and God has seen Hell, nothing escapes His notice, there are people who've done a lot worse than you and He STILL wanted them, no matter who or how they were. He wants us in our imperfections, doubt, guilt and hatred. The doors are OPEN to you by the blood of Jesus! If He started to be too exclusive about who's fit for His kingdom, He'd be out of people because we're ALL sinners even Godly people like King David, Moses and Elijah.

If you've come BACK to God after a break from Him, be joyful! Now, I'm struggling with that after devoting myself to my Faith again because I DO have fear weighing on me. I was joyful at first but Satan doesn't want me to be and sometimes it can be hard. I've been having horrible intrusive thoughts and yes, the forces of darkness WILL attack you for wanting or trying to be closer to God but God is my shepherd, my guardian and my strength. If it's a battle, then, He'll provide a way to win and to win EVERY battle that'll come my way. It's easy to forget, Earth isn't home, it's the front lines of a war older than time between good and evil and we were born INTO it. The Enemy could have taken my life countless times since the day I was born but I'm STILL standing because of Jesus. I have scars from IVs, getting hit by a car, and body parts that are damaged from stress and chronic illnesses but I'M STILL STANDING because GOD HAS ALWAYS BEEN WITH ME even when I thought I wasn't and didn't want to be. God has always been stronger than the darkness that keeps me prisoner to pain and sorrow. I promise you, He's bigger than ALL of humanity's mistakes combined, so, He can more than forgive your missteps and shortcomings even when they seem so bad in your head.

I trust my Lord. That's all, repent and trust that even if you still feel down, you're forgiven.

May God be with you in all things! 🙂

“The will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us.”

Billy Graham

[nvrtrust-naims]

i hate effort

i want to sleep

i hate effort but i hate failure more

i always push

i hate everything i can never relax

im scared to fail im scared to prove people right

i do good but never good enough

whats wrong w me i feel like theres something wrong w me i feel like everyone knows but me i feel like i was born wrong what did i do so wrong why am i disgusting sometimes i want to kill myself so badly all i can do is stare and lie down

i think i want to die again

im scared to fail at dying too i feel like i suck at everything why am i not good enough somethings wrong whats wrong i dont know and it scares me im always scared i never feel safe and when i do its fake i dont think i can keep going

i have vices but i think im ok dont i

i have to be ok or ill die

its strange that all this feeling is over something so small maybe i have a problem but im managing it well i havent attempted in months

all i can think about are my failures my inability my timing my unluckiness whats wrong with me

sometimes idk idk idk idk idk

i want to hurt myself in an indirect way so that it doesnt feel or seem like sh but i rlly know it is

thats what im doing rn

all im doing is hurting myself

sometimes i dont know myself

am i rlly exhausted and tired and burntout or am i neglecting what i need to do just to hurt myself as a punishment

im a masochist n ive been thinking abt that lately too : i dont know exactly why i enjoy pain or why i have maso tendencies but i have an idea that idk mayb i rlly am a narcissist n i just like being taken down a peg or mayb i dont love myself and i enjoy pain bc i want punishment for ever being born and for still existing

kind of like punishing my body for still breathing and pumping blood

or mayb i like the feeling of control like when im hurt the wounds are all mine n nobody can take them

when i love something/someone i hide it bc anytime that i was happy or i had something i liked it would get destroyed or thrown out

if i didnt hide what i loved it would get crushed

i had my diary read n i got beat for having my first crush n i think thats why writing in diaries n journals is difficult for me

when i moved for mayb the 4th or 5th time my teacher in elementary gave me an end of yr gift : it was lipgloss . when i put it on in the car my father grabbed it and threw it out the window

when i had hobbies they were taken away from me

i wasnt allowed outside as a kid or to have friends

sometimes ppl wonder why im "secretive" or "sneaky" but i feel like im just doing what i was taught

i was taught to hide myself bc im disgusting

ive never once wanted to live in my entire life ever since i could think ive never wanted to

i couldnt exactly point out that i wanted to die but it wouldnt take long it just felt like the right conclusion

n i still feel like all of this is over something so small

like im dumb for feeling i feel dumb i feel so stupid

im so unreliable whats wrong w me

i feel so alone but theres ppl i love n it feels like i disrespect them everytime i feel alone but what am i supposed to do idk what to do

i have to hide my emotions idk emotions are weakness is what i feel like ik its not true but its already instilled

nobody listened when i cried as a kid nobody cared i didnt even know my own name until i was 9 bc nobody said it enough

i feel like ill never be able to resolve my deeper issues bc i cant talk abt how i feel or what i want

i just go mute or i cry i just cant ive tried

it doesnt work bc im not meant to be happy

ill look back at this later n think im emo for thinking so hard over something so small

[in-decisivo]

theres no you anymore and thats fine

theres no more waiting for you every morning to greet me back good morning only to get a “hi!” in the afternoon

for me to just get upset about it and wash it all away because i thought thats being petty but i know its not

or being able to get an update from where youve been what happened or catch crazy stories from your night outs i think none of that was ever initiated by you i always did the asking

as if i was just so hungry or too obsessed with you but i think its not

because

that just lead me into thinking that im out of line but clearly youre the one whos out of line here and you know what you did

or thinking if you have eaten because its so annoying to even persuade you to eat properly when you know yourself what you must me doing

or me thinking if you will like the things i like/ ill like, these past few days i have been doing everything you dont feel like doing so i stop doing what i like doing just hoping to share those activities with you, but i stopped

i must say your knees wont keep up and i like the thought of it, i remember you saying its hard to keep up with someone like me you felt like its too much im too much

and its true im too much!!!! i mustve seen the signs i mustve listened carefully

youre not the one for me, the right one will never say that will never ever even think about saying that even under their breath

i know im never too much

i like all the things i do, these are all the things i stop doing just because you wont but now theres no you so im free now

in hindsight, if you havent noticed i stopped doing what i like to do in the hopes of getting to know you more so i do what you do and be appreciated that i tried knowing you, embracing you for you, i tried with the best that i can, i learned to nap even beside you, build gundam figures, adored you with your fish tank hobby, watch tv with you at your house, wake up late with you, accompany you with your errands etc. - but you dont realize that- you dont realize what ive done for you but theres no more you so its going to be okay

i can be myself again, come back to myself again and it feels home somehow and youre not home you are not my home you dont feel like it anymore

i mustve seen the signs

theres no you now and all i can think about is me! and not care about you at all when i really cared about you with the best i can with the best i can!!!!!!!!!

theres no you and its fine now

its going to be fine not thinking where you are, or youre with that balding guy, or doing shit with that trash of a group, its going to be fine not to get anxious warnings so high you dont understand you wont understand that im so so uncomfortable of having you hangout with those group especially the one with the receeding hairline,

theres no more me thinking what happened to you, or have you hooked up with the boys from that godforsaken bar at ortigas, or had a threeway bed intimate activity from one of those guys, theres no more me thinking if i should perfect myself only to look so pretty and behave myself for you to keep me

i like that theres no more of that

i know where i should be and its not going to be at your knees - im so much more than that but you liked it you mustve liked the view you kept going and going and youre pathetic for even doing so

so much you kept going back you must really liked it there you sneaky liar you

you know what you are doing you know it

theres no more you now and its feel great not to switch twitter accounts for so many times in a day and it feel so bad for me, nauseatingly bad because you hid things from me and you enjoyed every single thing from it - that account you tried to keep is one of the daggers to my heart, ganyan ka pala? and its disappointing to say the least but above all its just brings pain in my chest, some nights i cry about it and more on the disbelief & betrayal from everything from that account because you thought thats okay when its not when i knew about it old enough i know everything about that account,

but theres no more you so i dont have to simultaneously check it before and after youve gone to bed, check it countless times a day and in night, check it even if we are on a date, check it in the wee hours because you like flaunting it there when you can just be modest about it but youre not - you like flirting and its bad because you think its okay because you think i wont even know WHEN I KNEW ABOUT IT ALL ALONG, check that account when you have gone online and like things that are questionable problematic and offensive to top it all, talk to people with tones of flirtatiousness as if you dont have me, and that irritates me and it sends me to spiral to everything i tweeted “the less i know the better” i hate that i have to get peace with it silently, i like that theres no more of that for that is excruciatingly painful because of the way i found out,

this is why you dont hide things from me, you kept hiding things from me and just lie about it

theres no more you now and life has been better without you, you sad piece of a person you would jump at someones dick in a heartbeat because you swore its what will make you happy,

im okay because youre gone now -

[strangecowplant]

UPDATE

ill have to get to my replies later but i need to update right now

teddy was getting even worse, the meds were horrible to him and he just started to take a dive. he was dead weight, couldn't stand it was devastating to see him trying to pee or do anything really only to just fall. he was confused, scared, couldnt sleep for more than a couple minutes after having literally tried to calm him like a baby. this wasn't your typical sedative, calming med loopiness this was extreme, ive never seen a cat act this way before, let alone while on relaxants. its hard to explain but when you've experienced cats pass before you just know the signs and he was showing them rapidly later in the morning. i had another total breakdown so mom took the reigns and called them and absolutely ripped them apart. they're at fault for this getting worse, for this horrible medication, for not leaving the catheter in for longer like i said i wanted so he wouldnt have to go through that procedure AGAIN, its invasive enough ONCE let alone 2 or 3 times, for not ensuring he could pee on his own before just sending him off carelessly, for not communicating and hyperfocusing on money for issues that arent even an issue night now and could be done later. blockages are difficult to address as is, but the way they went about it made it even worse. the vet told us to get him in right away for the reaction to the new medication, and we were firm that we are NOT paying this is their fault I'm amazed teddy was able to make it through the night, he's so incredibly strong

as much as i dont ever want to go back there im doing everything for him and we raced him there, they're going through all kinds of checks to make sure he's ok and also working on his peeing. he had a wet bowl movement before i got the call, which couldve been from the sudden change to his prescription diet, the new med, the situation or anything, but was so weak he couldnt even stand so it got all over him, i had to wash him off and that seemed to kind of kick him into moving again, not much but a lot more than i had seen all morning after becoming exhausted, almost like it switched him back on to keep fighting.

so far he's doing well his bp is only slightly high due to the stress of being there but hes inflamed which also is making the urine they can push out tinged with blood. they're monitoring him constantly in fact she (this is a different vet from the owner, ive had good experiences with her) said he's being held almost all the time by another staff member, she will be giving him a boost of antibiotics as an injection and a single anti inflammatory since he got his bloodwork done and he doesnt have any kidney or liver issues or anemia/anything else. they offered for me to stay with them there so i can be with him but i needed to get back to my other babies to make sure they dont stress more either, i have to keep them healthy too so im getting updates over the phone. hes eating there hopefully thatll give him a boost of energy because though they can bring him out and walk him around/play hes still very sleepy. he hasnt peed but his bladder isnt full either, i asked why since he was drinking like crazy and she said its likely because he's dribbling tiny amounts almost constantly, his blanket has some small spots (i noticed when he was home his peepee was wet a lot but no full pees) im going to be grabbing him again soon before they close and then taking him back first thing in the morning for her to check his bladder again, if its full and hard again she's putting a catheter in again. she's also giving me a prescription for a bladder relaxer thats non drowsy, but its a gamble what pharmacies have it. we still are firm we are not paying, i'm still so scared because if they DO try to ding us with the bill we will absolutely be out of donations to help, the last bill was $606, on top of that all the gas needed to even get there and back is crushing, and i have no idea what will happen but its not something i can even think about right now

idk how its going to go we're just taking this one step at a time, my anxiety has made me so sick i want this nightmare to be over with and him at home safe and sound.

again thank you all so much for your concerns for my boy, all the help, the donations, the kind words its incredible how many are wishing and working for his recovering ill update again and get to replies as well when i can

please help me pay my kitties emergency vet bill!

ive never done this before but one of my cats just had to get an extremely sudden emergency procedure and i don't know what to do, my vet and i have reached out to a couple incredible programs here to help with the bill but one is less than half and the other hasn't replied back yet, i've already declined the blood work (CA$356) to lower the bill at the risk of possible underlying liver and kidney issues not being found but its still a monumental amount for us right now. i just feel so helpless

we had enough to pay the minimum deposit to get the procedure started in time thankfully, but we were already scraping by as it is and now we're in desperate need of funds to eat/pay rent/pay off any remainder of the bill. i am disabled without aid and have been unable to work/haven't worked since 2015 but am on track to hopefully start working pt this fall. i live with my mom who has 3-4 jobs including one seasonal job which needless to say is stressful and wearing her down. we unfortunately are stuck in the most expensive place to live in canada with the inability to save up to flee so the cycle is never ending.

this is Teddy, my typically very silly vocal happy boy who's not quite 2 yet, my comfort king, my little muffin who acts like a weighted blanket for me at night and eases my anxiety, his favourite toy is his pink unicorn poof, he loves car rides and he can shake paw!

he got a sudden urinary blockage last night with no straight answer as to why and progressively got worse as the night went on, i didnt sleep at all, i was panicking and bawling, naturally, and raced to the vet to get in as soon as the door opened. i assumed it was a uti which wouldn't have been as costly, but it turned out to be much more severe and life threatening. i never expected my usually extremely healthy boy to suddenly be at risk of that and im still trying to just process whats been happening

he needed to be sedated and given a catheter and some medication, the total bill came to CA$985.62, of which we were barely able to pay 500 of, and one program was able to donate 300 leaving a total of CA$185.62 for the bill. this, of course, leaves us scrambling for food and rent as well

i know there are a lot of fundraisers out there needing donations right now, and i really hate letting myself be so open and raw like this but even a dollar would help tremendously and i would be forever grateful for any help whatsoever, even a rb to signal boost is greatly appreciated <3

TLDR; my cat had a sudden life threatening issue and now we can't pay the full vet bill or pay for food/rent

Paypal

[tinyrosemarysparrows]

Pienna now immediately doesn’t run to hide when I put her food out. We made eye contact for a solid five seconds and she watched me fill up her water bowl without screaming or trying to bite me. 

I will take this as a sign that she loves me and is grateful that I took her in as my daughter, providing all that she could ever need and more. 

[noellevanious]

storytime

i love telling this story ive already told it to like all my friends lol so ill condense it (below the cut)

basically: i was in my science requirement class for my degree, a nature class, it had labs every week that were super fun (taking stats down on trailcam sightings, counting populations of certain local species, banding sew-whet owls, etc)

but the actual Class class stuff was the most boring rote shit ever. Things like memorizing different types of rivers. it was super early in the morning, boring as shit, and with me and my unmedicated adhd at its worst during this period, passing the class itself was unrealistic.

I was already kinda screwed cause my friends invited me for a one-time expenses-paid vacation trip to florida with them (their friend dropped out last minute), and of course i went, which was only a problem for this class specifically, where i missed a required quiz (even though i gave substantial warning to the prof and tried to work with him to make sure it didn't hit me hard, of course it did anyways)

so i basically knew if i flunked the final, i'd have to repeat the class, after already failing another science class (cause apparently intro to chem is NOT the class to take for a non-science degree science req) AND taking as much extra credit as i possibly could.

the day the final comes, i cheat on it, and right as i hand it in, the professor pulls me aside and says "Hey, i know you cheated, we're going to have to talk about this later, you can go home" so i go to the local cafe basically shitting my pants, thinking they'll kick me out of college in my last year

and then, not 30 minutes after the class gets out, i get an e-mail from the professor, which basically says (paraphrasing):

"Hey all, so unbelievably, everybody in the class cheated on the final. tell me what part you cheated on, i'll only dock points for that part specifically, and we'll never talk about this again"

the funny thing is, this was the only time i ever genuinely cheated (at least that i can remember). i wasn't an all A's kid, but i was good enough at school to get on the dean's list multiple times and graduate high school with honors, so yeah. the fact that anybody had to cheat, let alone me, says a lot about how well the class was structured.

i don't hold anything against the professor, because aside from that class stuff, the actual labs were super fun, it was probably my favorite part of college, being able to explore local nature and see all different types of animals was super enriching.

[understrikes]

A Crush

Silco x Female Reader

Includes sexual tension, and mentions of sex. Nothing explicit in this one. I plan to make it read like a classic romance novel, so it may get steamy but thats way later in the story.

Its my first time posting my writing, so I dont know what im supposed to put here really. Be nice, please. I dont know if i formatted this right for tumblr or what not, or anything like that. i feel like an old person LOL. I also dont have any idea if/when ill write the rest, though there is a general outline. so if i dont end up continuing to write ill just post my outline of where the story goes and how it ends.

Summary: You developed a crush on Silco, someway somehow, even knowing that he is a face to be feared. You dont know how he caught your heart in his hands, but you knew it wasnt possible for anything to come of it. Until it did. And now Silco is on a mission to get the secret of a dying mans last words from you, and you are determined not to fall under his spell (or fall for his touches) and spill the beans. 

Youre forced to have meeting after meeting with him as he tries to get you to tell your secret, but as time goes on both of you end up falling in love. Will the pressure to uncover your secret destroy any chance you two had at happiness? Or will love find a way?

Part 1

The rain pours down as Sevika and her goons chase a man in a blue uniform down the Lanes. He jumps across the slick, shabby rooftops, the clamor drowned out by the rain. He was desperately trying to make it to the border of Piltover, to find safety from the people chasing him. And he almost reaches it with ample distance between him and Sevika’s group. But the rain was pouring too hard and he couldn’t catch a firm grip on the pipe hanging between the path that led to Piltover, and he crashed to the ground with a loud crack.

He heaved desperate breaths while his body lay prone, and unmoving, his head too shaken to attempt to get up. He knew he had to keep going. It was important. It was the only thing that mattered.

A gasp of a passerby reached him, and he had enough sense then to remember that he was running away, as well as running to something.

The woman responsible for the gasp came to his side, her light hair shining wetly. The man could almost see it as a glow from a halo. A savior.

As she bent down to check on him, his hand shot forward, grabbing the woman’s forearm tightly.

His spoke under the harsh downpour.

Sevika turns the corner just as the man closes his mouth and slumps back forever.

The woman, still leant over the man, turns toward Sevika. She runs before the menacing group can approach.

Sevika is still checking the dead body when her goons return without the mystery woman in tow.

She grunts in disapproval.

“You’re lucky I recognized her.” She says.

----------------------------

Back at The Last Drop, Sevika is already chasing you around tables and barstools. Shatted glass litters most of the floor before her goons are able to pin you down.

“C’mon, Kitty,” Sevika pants, walking up to you. “We’re not gonna hurt you.”

Whoosh.

The air is knocked out of you by her punch.

“We just gotta know.” Sevika shakes you by the collar. “What did Frederik tell you?”

You felt like you’d never be able to breathe again, but you kept your lips shut.

You didn’t have much to lose, but you still had the honor to respect a dying mans last words. Especially when it was protecting something so precious.

Sevika grunts in disgust. You knew she couldn’t off you just yet. They still needed to see if you would spill. That kept you safe until you could figure out a plan.

But you couldn’t think with the pain from that punch, and when you look up to see if theres an escape Sevika’s dark eyes glinting with an intent that you weren’t expecting. It was too knowing, as if she was already confident, she knew how to break you without drawing blood.

Sevika turns a table upright before taking a seat. “Ive seen you around, you know.”

Uh oh. You were always good at being unnoticeable. So much so that your friends had always called you a little specter. You were as unnoticeable in a crowd as you were in an empty alleyway. Listening to conversations, and swiping bowls of grub without drawing attention. Even when your friends caught you trying to swipe a spoonful of their food they could never catch you. You were always grateful that your skill meant you didn’t die as a child.

But it seems you took that for granted this time, and in the worst possible situation.

Dread fills your gut as Sevika continues, “And I know just how to get you to talk.”

-----------------

The door to an office slams behind you as Sevika has a hushed conversation with the man sitting behind the desk, and lit by the green, glowing window.

You knew exactly who he was though, because you knew everything about the man that you could.

Silco.

-----------------

Silco hears Sevika move to his side, expecting to hear of a successful capture and extraction from Frederik. But of course, something else had to get in the way.

He listened to her quiet report, when she asked him to do the ridiculous.

“You want me to what?”

She explains quickly, and clearly. But still.

He knew that it wasn’t unusual for sex to be used to get valuable information out of someone. He just never imagined that he would be the one to wield it.

He wish he never spoke, because now Sevika was muttering some nonsense about leaning in, and soft brushes.

She expected him to do the seducing himself.

“And why,” he responded, “Cant you do it?”

Sevika tried not too look to pleased, but it still showed up on her face.

“that’s the thing, Sir.” She started, “Ive seen her at the bar downstairs a bit. Seems to have started working for Chuck, who knows when.” She waves her hand before getting to the point. “Whenever she’s there, I notice her eyes on you.”

Silco was getting frustrated, “So she knows to fear me, what about it.”

Sevika shook her head. “Not with the look I’ve seen her with, Sir.”

“So what is it?”

Sevika’s gleeful expression grew by a millimeter.

“She has a crush on you, Sir.”